Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #74 - IN STUDIO - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: July 17, 2020

(PLEASE DO US A SOLID) Subscribe to our YouTube channel: YouTube.com/haveawordpod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks so much for downloading the podcast. If you would like to support the pod financially, we're on Patreon. It's patreon.com slash haveawordpod. If you sign up, you can get potential discounts on merch, future live shows, post-rona. But the big one is you'll get the Wednesday full episode, which is exclusive on Patreon. So Monday, that's for everybody. Friday, that's for every motherfucker as well. But Wednesday is just for patrons.

Sign up at patreon.com slash haveawordpod. Appreciate you. What is happening kids Today's sponsor As always Is Beer 52 Now if you don't know Who these are yet

Where have you been They are the UK's Most popular Craft beer Discovery club And they've teamed up With us To give our listeners

A free case of beer That's 8 free beers An award winning Beer magazine And a tasty snack Did I mention It's for free You pay fuck all Apart from the £5.95 postage, which is nothing.

You'll then become a member of the Craft Beer Discovery Club, and they will send you a different theme every month. Previous themes have included the beers of Germany, the beers of California, Belgium, Korea, New Zealand, South Africa, and many, many more. You'll find beers and ales you would never have found on your own. Also, you can pause or cancel your membership to Beer52 at any time. But for now, just go and get your free case of beers, okay? Go to beer52.com slash word.

That's B-E-E-R-5-2 dot com slash W-O-R-D. And you'll get a free case of beer. And every time one of you signs up, they send us a bit of money. You're supporting us. You're getting yourself some free ale. Everyone's a winner. Now, let's get back to the pod. Now, I'm getting the word, nuts.

Oh, jeez. Show me muscle again. Oh, Hercules, Hercules. Oh, you think darkness is your ally? Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? Don't chat to me. I can see fumes coming off your pum pum look like petrol station.

Disgusting. Follow us on social media at Havawadpod. And don't forget to watch our very funny podcast videos on YouTube. You can subscribe at youtube.com forward slash Havawadpod. Ja! They go by Alan and Dave, Aaron and Dean, Grandad and the Yeti, or even Chanel and Denise. Have a word. Oh, happy day. Oh, happy day. Oh, happy day. Oh, happy day. Oh, happy day.

Oh, happy day. When Jesus was. When Jesus was. This is you every morning at primary school. Oh, happy day. Oh, we are. I've never been this comfortable whilst doing a professional activity ever. Professional.

Like, this is our job dan and i have took my shoes off and i'm chilling on our sofa that cost 40 quid yeah i think we need to stop saying that because it does it looks like more so if we get you know jason manford on russell kane and all the people but they don't fucking listen to it like we know what that expensive couch we had it handmade in roncon an italian chair maker used his last breath to finish our sofa he dropped dead moments after completing what he described as his finest work fin Finizio. His final words were, It is done. Take it to Runcorn. My life is complete.

After Runcorn. Absolutely. Every Italian in your head is the man on the Dolmio advertisement. No. No. You've got a Mario poster behind you.

It's to me. Mario, what's your Dolmio day? I can't wait till that gets fucking a hashtag. Italian lives matter

and everyone's like, you know, Mario, that was really offensive as well, so down the cup. Do you think that's the next big social movement,

do you? ILM. Italian Lives Matter. Maybe not. I couldn't be in a better place. I mean, looking at you lying on our very expensive Italian-made British Italian Heart Foundation couch expensive italian made tech quid british italian heart foundation couch and also in our studio that i'll be honest building it was a pain in both our dick and balls but it was all worth it

to fucking get a mosquito bites on me balls what i've got three mosquito bites i was just about to say gigs are starting again i'm feeling good and now I have to think about a bite on your balls. I've got one on the front of my left thigh, one on the back of my right thigh. Working your way up. And there's one just on, like, the... You know, like the Gaza Strip between your gooch and your balls, just that little, like, no-man's land. There's just a mosquito

bite there. Hang on. I thought the gooch was the no man's land. No but. You're saying there's a no man's land between the no man's land and the balls. The border between no man's land and the land of the hairy. Right. They're like diplomatic zone. Yeah basically the bite

is so big it's both on my balls and me gooch. North and South Korea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love the fact that the mosquito... My mosquito bite is like Chester FC's

football stadium. It's in Wales and England at the same time. All right. Pub quiz. Call me Paul Thinner, mate. I've lost loads of weight.

I love that the mosquito Worked his way up Like a sensual lover I'm going to bite you on your knee That's nice It's really painful I'm going to bite you on the back of your knee You like that?

I thought I had ball of cancer before Because I got like a You know one of those Stabbing pains in your balls What? In the shower before I got like a stabbing pain From a mosquito bite

Yeah It might be an ingrown hair where do you think the worst stop shaving your balls mate do you not shave your balls i do i just don't get ingrown hairs at my hair growth everywhere is so fucking pathetic it just like a pd old a p. Like a noncy old man in my head. I'm trying to go out to bars. I imagine yours is like a fucking fresh, like a young otter's mane. Like a jaguar pelt just covering two testes.

It does need some maintaining. Like strimmer, black and decker. Yeah. It's like a lawn in an old man's garden. Do you know what I mean? You know that old man who lives in your streets and he's got no family and he's just a bitter old man. Yeah.

And his garden's a bit... He's vulnerable. Weedy. He's the kind of guy that Traveller Gardeners knock on. Your balls are so heavy, you could have someone see them in a shower and be like, oh, do you need to get the lads around

and do some work now? We'll be in there, we'll do a lovely work just for cash. We'll come in there, we'll chop it all down, and we'll take it all away and they'll be in there a day and a half and not do the job properly you'll be and you'll just have one hairy ball now i didn't agree to do that bar and the lead they're going to need the money now are you looking at me like that that's too dangerous? No.

Oh, right. I thought you were like, damn. Do you really think I would ever tell you to not say something on the podcast? I don't know, but can you lie less flirtatiously? Where do you think the worst place on the human body to get stung or bitten is? Under your helmet. You know, like the lip between your helmet and your shaft. On the little piece of skin that keeps it on.

Yeah. The banjo. A lady's flap cannot be. Oh, right on the flap. Oh! I mean, where are you sunbathing? I mean, how are you sunbat how are you your eyelid not your eye lid your eyelid yeah oh right in the like the top of your dick the hole can't bite a hole like a bee

trying to fuck your dick yeah when was the last time you got stung by a bee they don't sting as many people anymore do they they've chilled out well i got stung by a bee they don't sting as many people anymore do they they've chilled out what I got stung loads when I was a kid yeah but you were

very stingable I remember I got stung once going down a slide honestly I remember in my head I'm like where's Adam going

yeah because we had these beehives right we used to grow fucking honey in a Ford Escort that was burnt out right we had a fucking

beehive, right? Round old fucking smacher derricks. There was a dead body, right? And we jammed it and it was a fucking lovely beehive. There was wax everywhere.

Sold it for 40 fucking quid down the farmer's market. You make out that I'm much more of a vagabond than I am. You have sold that narrative You make out there much more of a vagabond than I am. You fucking... You have sold that narrative for fucking ages. I got stung once in 1997 and twice last year.

I was like, Tiger Woods not winning anything for ages and then fucking in come the trophies. What happened in 1997? I was giving out flyers for one of the mobile phone shops. A cheeky little cunt just went round the shops and said, can I have a job? And one place went, yeah, you can have 10 quid if you give all these flyers out, and we'll come and check.

Did you throw some away? No, they were like, outside the shop, I want to be able to see you. I think I got like 10-20 quid which when I was a kid was like you could buy a house just on the flyer in front

have you ever been to the Edinburgh Festival and had to deal with your own flyer and team you and me talked about it the other few episodes ago did we

so you've always had someone produce your show well no I could in 9th oh yeah last year yeah yeah yeah year before last I literally took took the row mentality out.

Have you ever caught a flyer being a prick as well? Because we didn't cover that last time, and that's what I was leaning towards. You... I got lucky. The one flyer I got off you, and the guys that I got worked out well. There was one guy that was too good-looking for his own god,

and he just sort of... I don't think he was great great but i think he just wandered off to do his hair somewhere and i never really had to deal with him uh i never had any eggy situation where i had to sack fucking flyer but i imagine adam that you have i've sacked two one of them was just sat in Subway having a butty oh so I was paying her £10 an hour and an extra tenner if it sold out which is fucking

good wage do you know what I mean cash in hand as well mate cash in your back bin right I'd fucking give you

a floor is out for that cash and she was just having a fucking meatball marinara just sat in Subway on the phone and I went

what are you doing and she went oh I just took a break and i was like you're 15 minutes into your shift the queue's fucking out the door you and i went to give us the flyers you don't work for me anymore and she went what about the work i've done and i went how do i know what you've done i just didn't pay i told her to fuck off i was like sue me if you want not ask and then i found another girl be a fucking painful court case that one who was doing a fucking shit job she was stood on the royal mile just with a flyer at arm's length saying nothing and i had a mate of a man who'd just come to the festival for a few days now and do his favor just go over to her and like act like

you're looking to see a show and And if she doesn't instigate anything with you, you instigate it and ask her about the show. And he went over. This was so funny. He went over and he was literally on the phone going, pretending to be on the phone, going,

yeah, I'm just looking for some stand-up comedy. Like a good northern comedian. I'm just after a northern comedian but yeah i don't know what i'm gonna say any recommendations all right so he put it down then was just like meandering she did nothing so he went to her i went to what are you flying him for here and she went uh it's a scout comedian called Adam Rowe. It's a stand-up show. And he went, oh, I'm from Liverpool. Is it any good?

And she went, I haven't seen it, to be honest. And I don't know. But, like, it's worth giving a shout. And he starts in 20 minutes. And he goes, all right, no worries. I'll give it a miss. She went, yeah, fair enough. See you later.

Didn't give him a flyer. And I just went over and was like, can I have those flyers, please? I said, yeah, there's a tenner. Just go home. and was like can i have those flyers please i said yeah there's a tenner just go home she was like i started an hour and 20 minutes ago i was like you haven't done any work take the tenner and fuck off yeah that is amazing isn't it it's one short of being like yeah he's a bit of a dick and i don't like him is there any good well you know he's not an actual nonce but I think Mike Wilkinson who's a comedian

mate of mine got flyered tried to get flyered by his own flyerer and like was like I don't feel like anyone's flyering for me

so sort of milled around his own flyerers and they didn't recognise him and didn't flyer him so he sacked them all he had like two flyers like that level

that level of like I wouldn't mind if someone flyered me for flowers like that i wouldn't mind level of like if someone flired me for my own show i wouldn't mind that because i'm like at least they're fucking doing their job but to stand next to them like hello i'm the guy that's paying your fuck but that's the problem of going if you do it via you if you're in control of that flyer in it's easier in it he's just going through some faceless company and they're like i don't care well my agent sources some of my flyers and then i need a bigger team than they can provide so i source the rest but i make my agent send those flyers while i meet my own team that i've curated and i explain to all of them exactly what i want

and then i show them as well I just go I go up to people in the street and go like and I try and sell the show and I show all my flyers go just watch me do this and do the exact same thing for the whole month and I will look after you my flyers end up being really good mates I'm still I was talking to one of my flyers earlier today yeah she messaged me because when it starts raining in Edinburgh, I'm always near my venue. Always. Even if I don't live right near it,

I just hang around there because your flyers can need you for stuff. They can run out of flyers, whatever. If it starts raining or it's a bit cold, I just go and find them all and offer them a cup of tea or a coffee. Yeah. On some days,

we sold out like an hour in advance one day. But the next day, the sales were shit so i went to the mall look was sold out today but just keep pushing it for the next hour for tomorrow's show but what you want to drink you can have anything one girl one girl when i went out one day and offered them all a cup of tea went can i have a gin and tonic and i was like yeah i just want to go to a gin and tonic and a plaster cup and give it in the streets. I was like, if that's what you need. In theory,

that's going to make you better. Like, what's this comedian like? Fucking really good. I think he's great. He gives us cocaine as well. I would. If you had cocaine.

If I had a bag of beer in my pocket and she was like, can I just have a line? A flyer there on cocaine. Excuse me. Literally, in my pocket and she was like can i just have a line a flyer on cocaine excuse me literally just busting into the show before you's like everybody stop what you're doing there's a show on here in 45 minutes it's really hard coolest flyer i had that year i got him halfway through and now i'm mates with him was adam elmy who is a um a a brummie comedian up and coming young lad now lives in manchester uh he's from um he's muslim muslim family he is a young black man now what it's sound that sounds not why i hired him

by the way i was like we have quotas but watching him flyer he's also got this amazing big hair he's so cool he's like he just rolls around and he's fucking giving flyers out almost like in a like if you want a pigeonhole how a cool young black man would give flyers out it's that right but i loved watching what is it could you act it out for me so that I know he's like just like hey baby oh shit

um go on keep going I'm a flyer you're Adam Elmy you're a punter I'm a punter he just he did

honestly 30% of what every other flyer needed to do all he had to do was be a young black man who looked nice he offered out other flyer needed to do. All he had to do was be a young black man who looked nice. He offered out a flyer,

and the sort of inbuilt white guilt of nearly 98% of the people walking past him couldn't refuse the flyer. Young white kids, they're like, oh, for fuck's sake, I don't want your flyer. Christ, can I not just walk past a fucking person in this fucking town without getting a flyer? can i not just walk past a fucking person in this fucking town without getting a flyer adam almy rocks i like hey you're all right guys you want a flyer and they were like

oh yeah that's odd really good yeah i'll have a read of that it was brilliant use people's fear of being racist against them amazing he was so good at flyering just rolling around i love that he was great it's always disheartening because sometimes people take a fire and put it straight in the bin and you're always like i paid 0.7 pence for that flyer the worst thing i ever seen i went for a wee in a cubicle of the toilets of my venue and there was half of one of my flyers. It had been ripped in half, and half of it was on the floor, covered in piss.

And the worst part about that is there was no toilet roll in the holster, which means the other half of that probably went up someone's arse. Did they rip off the leg bit? If I was... I would not want your face against my arsehole. I think they did use the face bit.

And it had fire on the fucking poster as well. Undeniable poster. When I was flyering out there on Cowgate, because I did my own flyering that year where I took the advice and got a few members of your team, I used to just have a nice relaxed day, sometimes have an afternoon nap, and I'd be out there flying from about six,

and I used to get a kind of Rockstar or Energy drink there was these like like nooks and crannies and like in a new building but there was like a place to pop your flyers and a beer or thighs and a like a whatever but the homeless people in the area obviously left beer there as they went round because i don't know if you're allowed to carry lager around i think it's one of the rules alleyway that goes up to so it's just in a like, fire hydrant thing that was blown out. So I had a kind of, like, monster or something in there, and I was flyering, and then I was aware of someone behind me. I had a little stack of flyers and a can of monster,

and this fucking heroin addict was like... You know, you can just sort of hear him like... Yeah. And he reached in to grab the can because he just almost thought like fucking communal fucking special fucking brew in the fucking wall I went oh sorry mate that's mine

he had it in his hand he went oh what is that I was like it's an energy drink he went oh it's fucking clean I don't drink that shit and put it and put it back I was like

brilliant a Scottish down on his luck crackhead looking at you like how can you put this shit in your body man do you know what this is doing

to your insides ah fuck it you need to look after yourself Peter this fucking dick you got the heroin this fucking dickhead's you got the heroin? This fucking dickhead's drinking Monster.

Gonna fucking put him in an early grave. Peter, Peter, it's fucking full sugar, isn't it? I found a vein. It's fucking, I'd never drink that full sugar. You'll fucking ruin your one good tooth. But yeah, I got stung by a bee.

Makes sense. It all follows on. Got stung by a wasp flying for them. And then last year I was fucking twatting the recycling down

and there was some wasp like eating some of the recycling. I got stung like fucking awful. I'm scared shitless of wasps me. If there's a wasp in like, eating some of the recycling. I got stung, like, fucking awful. I'm scared shitless of wasps, me. If there's a wasp in, like, the kitchen, I just won't go in, so let's go on.

Yeah, because they're evil bees. Yeah? That's exactly what they are. Jade looks at me like I'm the biggest shit house on the planet, but if there's a moth or a spider, you'd think... What are they going to do? Exactly. Spiders have got such a bad rep

they're like they're like fucking it's because they're too quick aren't they no it's because in their family they've got fucking murderers British spiders are like

just creeping around eating the bugs in Australia they're also too quick right I think that's it my dog fucking swatted a spider

last week used her hand so a spider was running across the living room at full speed and my dog just went you know like you would you know like you would with like a cockroach like fuck off my dog did that it was like she had a dexterous hand i honestly have never felt the same about cockroaches since Men in Black. Here come the men in black. What's this thing called? The winders. Yeah.

What are we talking about? Bees. Bees. Wasps. Wasps. Bumblebees are cute, aren't they? They're just like, big fat fucks. You hear them twatting into glass.

Yeah, but I don't trust a bumblebee to not be a fat wasp so if there's a bumblebee in the house I'm always like what if that's just a wasp that's gonna let itself go and I still won't go near it

wasps are all like thin and like yeah I'm gonna fuck yeah they can't all be thin though there must be a fat wasp that fucking little thin thing aren't they there must be a chunky

cunt wasp somewhere bumblebees like yeah it's the thing of like if they? Must be a chunky cunt wasp somewhere. Bumblebees are like, brrrr. Yeah. It's the thing of like, if they try and murk you, they kill themselves. I almost feel like

that's such a human thing. That's bees though, innit? That's bumblebees and bees. If they sting you, they're done. So you're almost like, if you get stung by a bee,

you're like, ah, I'm sore, but you're dead, knob. Wasps are like, I'll fucking sting you tomorrow,

bitch. Yeah, wasps can like I'll fucking sting you tomorrow bitch yeah wasps can come back can't they oh yeah and they're talking always talking about yeah I am going to the mates

like he's well stingable someone told me once as well that when you kill a wasp it lets off a mad scent and the other wasps know where it is so if you kill a wasp in your house

there's fucking boys might turn up with all their fucking bum knives is it just me or do wasps speak like Mexican gangbangers

in Southside LA you fucking stood on Vico that's some fucking local shit now we're going to

I think you've just wrote a hit cartoon. Disney Pixar 2022. Gangster Wasps. Gigs, eh? You're going to a gig tonight, Adam. I'm going to Alexander's in Chester. Socially distanced. Outdoors. Sensible outdoors. Oh, you can do anything. going to a gig tonight adam i'm going to alexander's in chester socially distant outdoors sensible outdoor oh you can do anything that you can fucking wank off a man outdoors

i'm not gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna do that gig next week though next friday the 24th the 24th of July, I will be headlining Alexander's in Chester, their outdoor gig on Friday night. I think it starts at 7.30. Tickets will be on sale this week. They'll go quite quickly because people are looking for stuff to do.

But if you are a listener of the podcast and you want to see me do some stand-up, then yeah, on the 24th of July, you can see me in Chester. And if you can't organize yourself that quick, you can come and see me do the same gig in Chester on August the 21st, because the North West Comedy Circuit is pretty fucking insular. But gigs are back.

They're going to be back from the 1st of August, by the looks of it. We won't know for sure in what capacity till later today, because the governments have said indoor performances can resume from the 1st of August but there's always like extended government guidelines later in the day

and I'm just I'm not I'm not getting too excited because I wouldn't put it past these fucking bellends

because most comedians in this country are not only left wing but Corbinite extreme left wing aren't they a lot of them

and I wouldn't put it past yeah I wouldn't put it past this Tory government to go, indoor performances can resume, but not stand-up comedy just yet, because fuck you, why would we help you? Ha ha ha ha ha.

So we'll see you later today. But it looks like, from the 1st of August, gigs are back. If that's the case, we are going to try and do the Patreon thank you show September-ish. Aim for that. Well, yeah.

A lot of that depends on... We're going to have to talk about the Patreon thank you shows because there's hundreds of people that we've got tickets for. It's going to have to be a cluster of shows, isn't there? Or we get like the Epstein in Liverpool, which holds like 380. I reckon that'd do it. I reckon they'll need the custom. Yeah,

but we're not going to be able to get everyone in there, are we? Because of the distancing. Maybe, yeah, but we'll just do two shows one night. 760, we don't need more than that.

Fucking hell. Just can you imagine that? The Epstein Theatre, like, that'd be wonderful. Two shows. And what is it you're doing? We are bringing our kit.

We're going to put a desk on your stage and then we're going to shout nonce to a load of lids. And I'm like, okay, well, that's good. Is this the future of theatre? Glad we got the bailout. Yeah, at the end of June, it was like, oh, pubs are going to open from the 4th of July and the whole industry were like,

oh, look at Liz, look at Liz, oh, pubs are going to open from the 4th of July. And the whole industry were like, oh, hook it, Liz. Hook it, Liz. Hook it, Liz. And then overnight, that was one of the worst waking up to a messages of my life. Two o'clock in the morning, Adam just fucking drawing. Circled the government guidelines. Circled the government guidelines. It was like, not you, you fucking rat.

Yeah. But I think we will be okay for August. I think there's going to have to be a meter between groups and stuff and I think that will reduce capacities to about 70% maybe 80% because like you can have two households in a group

so you could technically have a group of 8 and then one empty seat and then a group of 8 so you would only lose 2 seats for every 16 people yeah the frog and bucket hold 270 280 seat 230 and they reckon with the strict rules of one meter plus they can put in between 110 and 120 and i mean that is a gig in it with the excitement of being back and any again you always feel like you've got to put this caveat at, we're not trying to be irresponsible,

but these are the rules and you've got to sort of, you've got to live by it, haven't you? No more caveats. I want to do a fucking gig. You want to do a gig. We're not going to get

any more self-employed income support from the government. We need to go back to work. If you're, if you're very, very vulnerable, make sure you're shielding yourself. If you want to come

and see some live shows, they're going to be happening soon but you know the pubs are like my mate like the neighbours went to Liverpool the pubs are fucking mental over the door security

I see a group of I won't name the pub I won't name anything like that I don't want to get anyone in trouble the pub that I drove past the other day I had to go into a shop a group of 10 lads went in

and the doorman just went if anyone asked there's only 6 of us because they're not asked we've said it on the podcast before businesses have to be able to act under the guise of socially distancing

and this isn't pubs that are a problem or comedy clubs Asda and Tesco have been doing this all along if you go into Asda or Tesco there's signs on the floor saying keep your two metres apart but no one's fucking enforcing it there's fucking old people trying to lick you and everything it's personal

responsibility if you don't want to be there you don't have to be the people who do want to be there it's within the rules fuck me am i and i i you were so right when you said back in the day when i gig again i want it to be proper when we did that gig on friday the driving comedy gig i was on stage going this is a bastardized version of what we do it's not the same thing felt all the same but you can just see people in cars going oh squinting in the fucking sunset it's just like what are we doing some of these outdoor gigs might be quite fun though Yeah they won't be as fun As a comedy club But I would do them

Because they're at least They're 9 out of 10 things in place It's just the roof that's missing And it normally is after I'm fucking done anyway lads Because I take the roof off Because I'm fucking good at my job I really think you add on those No it's because I'm funny good at my job you know what I mean I really think you add on those no it's because I'm

funny and the laughter makes the roof explode now is that literally Adam have you ever ripped the

no that's figuratively alright okay just to clear up I ripped the roof off your mother's pussy oh my god I can't believe

I went there was that literally or figuratively? No, literally, lad. It fucking, me dick, burst through the roof and went straight in

to my fucking kidneys. And on that note, let's have an advert from letsbenaughty.co.uk. Today's episode is brought to you by letsbenaughty.co.uk. Even though lockdown is easing, passing the time can still be hard. So why don't you shake things up and put a bit of kink into your quarantine? If you're looking to stock up on Millennium Lube or buy your mates some chocolate dildos,

letsbenaughty.co.uk is here to help you take your sex life to the next level. Based in the Northwest, we've got a massive selection of vibrators and dildos for the ladies or the boys, sexy lingerie, pock rings, masturbators, and for the adventurous couples out there. There's loads of things to discover, like our kinky bondage gear. We've got everything you could possibly need to put a buzz back into your bedroom. We deliver all over the UK, so when you shop online with Let's Be Naughty, you'll enjoy free delivery on orders over 50 quid, and it's sent in super discreet packaging,

so you don't have to worry about those nosy bastards next door. As a bonus for listeners of this podcast, if you use the code HAVAWORD, all as one word, that, that's H-A-V-E-A-W-O-R-D, you'll get 10% off your entire order. So go to letsbenaughty.co.uk and see how much fun you can have when you get a bit naughty. That's letsbenaughty.co.uk. What have you prepped? Nothing.

Just fucking roll in with your big dick energy. Yeah. Right. So that's fucking... What have you prepped? Nothing. Just fucking roll in with your big dick energy. Yeah. Right. So that's fucking... I will never prep anything unless you tell me to prep the episode. It's a bit different when we were doing Zoom meetings and we were like, oh God, who's doing tomorrow? What are you doing?

Yeah. Now it's like, we'll just talk, see what happens. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? What do you think about bees and wasps who needs to prep when you're like when did you last get stung you've spent all this money and got this paper spill podcast studio so it must have a really strong central theme to be this popular and to be doing this well you know like the big podcasts that they tend to you know have a real core idea so what's yours

well one week we talk about whether we would rather fuck our nan or our sister and then week two is your least favorite insect where do you think would it we're getting stung on a flap hurt episode 74. So, a little bit of correspondence. What do you think to this as an idea, Adam? Just see what you think. Alright lids, this is from Thomas Davis. Congrats on the unveiling of the new studio. Why thank you, Thomas. It looks incredible and I genuinely couldn't be happier for the pair of you guys.

I've been listening back to older episodes recently in between new episodes and I started to notice mentions of the Hall of Fame, be it episodes or listeners being called Hall of Famers. And I started to think, how cool would it be if you had a Have a Word Awards pod towards the end of the year? I don't know if this is an idea you've already had. I just want to float it out there. I'm talking best story, best would you rather, best listener, best question, best have a word, and maybe best episode for listeners to vote on. I think Thomas Davies has had a fucking belter of an idea there.

He absolutely has. Thomas, we are going to put that, yeah, because we've just done where do you think is the worst place to get stung, the flaps or not. And I think it's a valid thing to start thinking about content, isn't it? Oh, some of the guests we've got flying up, Adam. It's making my little dick. It's going to be fucking great, isn't it?

Like, we've got some really, really funny people coming on. We've got some really good mates coming on who are going to grace this orange sofa. But selfishly as well, we've got some really big names who are just going to get more eyes and ears on this thing and grow this fucking lid army to what we've always known it's capable of being. And that is one of us running for Prime Minister in six years' time.

Kanye. You've got Kanye vibes. Kanye do it. Yes, we Kanye. Look, I'm not being funny, but off the top of your head, can you do a best slogan? To be fair,

we have been prepping a press release, and yesterday we got really stressed about logos. So I really think, you know, it's just nice to be not doing that in it yeah i think that might have taken a bit out of you can you do it maybe that's the whole reason that you decide easy we're like well i know you don't want to run for president but i feel like this word play is so strong can you do it yes we can yeah. What if Kanye was the new Bob the Builder? Can yay fix

it? Bob the Builder. Yeah see can yay. I reckon Kanye West might be able to come up with a better tune than that though. It's a fucking classic. It's a number UK number one hit. Oh well then it's fine isn't it? Bob the Builder

Who sang that Was it Was it the fella from Men Behaving Badly No it was the Libertines The fella from Men Behaving Badly Wasn't it him

Neil Morrissey Was it him Was it Morrissey Bob the Builder Who sang Bob the Builder I'm sure it was The fella from Men Behaving Badly

Can he fix her Yes he can Oh can he fix her That's my he can. Oh, can he fix it? That's my Morrissey. That was my Morrissey. Oh, why am I, why am I the only builder? Thought it was quite good. I don't think he knows Morrissey, everyone.

Have you, why are you checking who sang can we fix it the fucking bob the builder single i've googled can we fix it singer and there's there's no answer but the related search is lou bega who sang mambo number five 5? Mambo No. 5? A little bit of wrenches in my side A little bit of hammers, oh yeah A little bit of screws all night long A little bit of sucking on my dog Always go rude. When you run out, like, when you run out of shit,

you just go, yeah, you mam's fanny. And I fucking won that one I fucking loved my number five if you'd have known the characters from Bob the Builder then

and ad-libbed it into that song I'd have ended the pub right the pod night right now little bit of Wendy on the side

is it Wendy a little bit of Bob doing shine a little bit of his mate on the till is it is that the real characters? Wendy's deaf-o in it, isn't she?

Fuck off. How old are you? When was Bob the Builder out? When's this from? Scoop? No, that's a different list of Bob the Builder characters. Ready? One, two, three, four, five.

Fucking hell. Bob the Builder. Wendy is Bob's business partner who runs the office and keeps the business in order. Business partner. Was he shagging her? I think there was a fucking undercurrent of fucking sexual discrimination

in that fucking workplace. Bob the Builder, Wendy, Mr. Bernard Bentley, the Bobsville town building inspector, and later mayor of Sunflower Valley. Oh, they had a really good narrative. They had like a storyline for him, didn't they? He was the town inspector and then stood for mayor. That was in the latest series

when they were running out of shit to talk about. A little bit of Wendy on the side. Bob's mother. A little bit of Dorothy. Dorothy was his mum his mom so no he's not shagging bob the builder's not a little bit of wendy on the side a little bit of dorothy bob's dad's wife mrs barbara bentley bernard bentley's wife farmer percy pickles is a nearby farmer and a good friend of bob who often helps out with his construction projects. How many characters?

Mr. Dixon, Mr. Jeremy Ellis, JJ, Molly, Mrs. Percival, Mrs. Potts. What the fuck? How many series of Bob the Builder was there? It's like fucking Friends. Annie Pickles, Saffron. Saffron. Saffron. Let's give them all a theme song. Right.

One, two, three, four, five. Everybody's building with Bob and having a good laugh. Did you just rhyme five with laugh? Five. Life. I think I've had a stroke. You're not as good at this as I am. And you're pretty shit, so that's not good, is it?

A. I cannot believe... There's a thing called Scoop, so this one can be like a parody of Snoop Dogg. Scoop Doggy Dogg. Right, we need to stop this, because this hasn't been the fucking gold that we thought it might be.

Dan Johnson said, get off the Bob the Builder Wikipedia page. And I should never have to say that to a fucking grown man. You've not put that phone far enough away from you. That looks like, you look like a single person dying to go back on Tinder, but it's not. It's just a lid trying to research Bob the Builder. Mr. and Mrs. Scoop. Dan Johnson says,

Eyelids? I've just thought of a would you rather, and I've come up with a few shit ones before now, but this one I actually am desperate to know the answer to. Would you rather be recognized as being on Naked Attraction and you have to get laughed off for having a tiny pecker, or be recognized for one of the A&E programs because you got your dick stuck in something,

but it looked like it was massive when seen on screen. So you're basically going to become internet friend family famous for having your dick out on TV. Would you rather it was naked attraction and it was a small dick, or A&E, you've been trying to stick your dick in somebody but it's a massive dick it's like dan johnson's never had a dick why would you even need to answer the question it's so stupid you picked a big one yeah but what at what point at what point is what women going to think you're creepy, but anything you can put your dick in,

every man will understand the thought process behind it. Wow. Do you know what I mean? Like, women will be like, he's put his fucking dick in a... Whatever. Pringles. Like, Pringles.

Mate, if you get caught, how big is it? Did you nearly say pringles packet i did yeah that's if you can fuck a pringles packet everyone's like mate with a dick that big you've just got to find something to stick it in because no human's gonna let it come anywhere near them you're fucking what could you put it in that would be embarrassing? Your fucking cat. I mean, that. I think animal is probably too far. You don't want to be called. Like, I'd rather have a little dick than shag a cat.

That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm. Maybe it's just not been specified. But like an inanimate object. I'd fuck any inanimate object before they had a little fucking shrew. Right. What? What about like? Yeah. What about like...

Yeah. What about like a family photo album? That looks bad, doesn't it? Yeah, well, none of it looks good, but I'd still... Benidorm 2007. But if you've got a little tiny, tiny, tiny willy... It didn't say micro penis. It just said small.

So like... An inch. Two inches. Oh, yeah, that's that's well two inches is not too small two inches is just below average for some people okay i'm just saying if you're in that two and a half three three point two five that's that's average you know but why because when people say oh i've got six inches i mean they're they're fucking rounding up, aren't they, from the nearest four. So it's two's probably around average, isn't it? How big is yours?

Right now, looking at you on that couch, not too big. But post-bath time. Post-bath time? Just loosened it up. Mama like that. You've got a big dick when you get off the bath. No.

Fully erect. It's fine. It's fine. Put it this way, I've never had a girl go whoa! You're not putting that anywhere near me. Girls are like, yeah, we can do the job. Like a confident tradesman. Yeah, yeah, we'll give you a quote on that.

It's too difficult. I've never, ever had someone try and give me a quote and be like, ooh. I'm going to need to bring on someone else here. There's no way. It's going to take a few days. I don't know if I'm going to be able to get the materials, pal. Oh, no. I don't know if we, no.

Usually they're like yeah yeah yeah yeah knock that out it's fine I won't even notice you it's fine it's you know you won't even know

I've been here love just come in you know don't worry about me now I'll come in I'll have a wiggle around I'll be out of your hair before you know it oh come on now

get that in there no trouble. Yeah, I think as long as it's an inanimate object, I'd rather have a big one and be fucking, I don't know, you know. Yeah. What? Yeah, it's inanimate, isn't it? Also, at the moment...

And I don't mean taxidermy. I'm not fucking a stuffed cat either. Anything that was once alive is a no-go. I think if you've got a stuffed anything in your house you're a fucking nonce. Yeah. Do you know what? Let's talk about this. Who wants their dead

dog just like teddy beard up on the fucking fireplace? It's so fucking horrible. I get the dead animal and that and i get a little bit of fur and i stick it up the bum bum i get a little bit of cotton wool i just keep fucking fingering that cotton wool into the air and then all of a sudden after two days of fingering you got a beautiful otter look at it it's just like it's alive nonce I wasn't ready

for that all taxidermists are little fucking squirrel fingers taxidermists yeah like it look taxidermists

fair play they've got a job to do let them crack on okay bore take them down Adam it's about time

someone took down taxidermists no they've got a job they're just trying to make a living and I respect that okay but it's the people who want taxidermy. No, they've got a job. They're just trying to make a living and I respect that, okay? But it's the people

who want taxidermy done. Yeah. Like, yeah, just burn it and then be like, oh, it wrecks his ashes. It's just weird that it's even an option. Yeah. And if it is an option, why aren't we doing it with, like, whole people as well? Like, if your nan dies, you know what I mean?

Stuff your nan. Mount her on the wall. Stuff your nan dies. You know what I mean? Stuff your nan. Mount her on the wall. Stuff your nan. Put her in her favourite chair and keep claiming her benefits. Literally. Don't let that fucking pension get taxed, kid. She's fucking worked all her life for that.

It's the most working class Bates Motel situation ever, isn't it? Like, Adam! Yes, mother! What time is it? Has everyone gone home? That was so loud. The big dick thing, right? We all want a big dick.

How big is too big, Adam? Five and a half is going to be hard work, isn't it? Five and a half, what? Inches in it five and a half what inches you don't want all that that's excessive my dick's bigger than that oh here we go when it's erect i'm a grower not a shower yeah yeah i've got a fucking tadpole in the fucking do you ever get when you do you ever play footy do you ever ever play five-a-side? Your dick is like the Incredible Hulk. Yeah. Do you ever play footy?

Four-play, it's like Eric Banner. Do you ever play five-a-side of a night? Yeah, no, but yeah. So until this hit, and it was about a year ago, to be honest, that we stopped playing overly regularly, but cold nights, you get a bit of footy dick. Oh, my God. My dick becomes a belly button after a game of footy. Oh, yeah cold nights, you get a bit of footy dick. Oh, my God.

My dick becomes a belly button after the game of footy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and not an outie. Oh, and a nasty breeze and a bad tackle, and that dick's gone, isn't it? The lads who play footy

who listen to this will know what footy dick is. It just, it fucks off. Oh, totally. Nice. How big is too big, though? We can't say that. It depends on the size of the foof, don't we?

No. No. Say you're a young man. You've not chosen the foof. The foof hasn't chosen you. You're out there. You're on the foof market. You need to be...

I don't think it's all... I think there's some guys listening to this with the fucking BDE, with the big dick energy, and everyone think it's all i think there's some guys listening to this with the fucking bde with the big dick energy and everyone thinks it's amazing but no i'm genuine about that tradesman thing i have never got naked with a girl back in the d's pre laura god bless her may it never happen again and had a girl go mate we can't do this with my ample to below ample package everyone's like let's go can i put it all in of course you can love no do you know what i mean there is dicks that my my ex-girlfriend told me once that basically she was with a guy she'd fancied for ages it was

her boss they finally got down to it on some fucking seedy work stew like in a premier in in daventry and they'd had a few beers, and she knew what was coming. She really wanted it to happen, and he got his dick out, and she was only like five foot one and quite petite. Physically couldn't get his willy in time.

It was like not happening. It just had to be an apology and a fucking handshake. I don't know. Right then, if you're a woman and you've ever been faced with a penis that's too big

let us know I've never heard that happen I think apart from with me I think no joking aside there are some lads listening to this going

mate it's not all that it's fucking cracked up to be when you just flop it out and you're like do you want to do this love and they're like you big fucking

12 inch 12's a lot innit but i don't think it's anything to do with length it's about the girth in it yeah you can always just put half of it in yeah no one wants bollard cocked yeah but what i mean is like if you've got like a really thin but 18 inch dick that's not a problem that's a fucking tapeworm but you could use that because that'll that'll go in nicely come back out again but like stroke your hair yeah like i reckon nine inch and then it's getting hard work, innit?

No, it's nothing to do with the length. I wouldn't be able to fit in my underpants. It's nothing to do with the length. You just tape it to your leg. Put a bit of fucking gaffer tape around there. Tape it to your leg. You have to get chachy bottoms with one leg slightly wider than the other. Get them basketball ones

That you can whip off Thanks Dan That was a stupid question And we really enjoyed it Fucking lid How long have we done? 45 Alright Bob and Jackie

Alright Bob and Jackie A topical one Time doesn't half fly when we're in the same room some of those zoom ones you got to like 40 minutes and you're like I feel like we've been talking

for an hour and a half I feel like we've been talking for 10 minutes yeah I mean we've been talking for dicks for about 20 alright Bob and Jackie a topical news one for you

Johnny Depp inspired one would you rather wake up in the morning finding out someone has shit in your bin and still years later not have a fucking clue who did it call back or wake up in the morning finding out your partner is shit in the bed keep up the awesome work lids now we haven't mentioned this but johnny depp is in a divorce proceedings is he with amber fucking rap features amber rudd

amber rama ruds thed's the former health secretary. Amber Rudd. Yeah, Johnny Depp's divorcing Michael Gove and things are complicated. And there's been a shit in the bed and the amount of people that have been like, Lids, you've seen this?

Lids, it's still weird to be involved in this podcast and have people seeing a story about someone shitting in her bed and thinking gotta send this to adam and dan instantly but again the would you rather is too simple you always want to shit in your bed don't you no sorry you're shitting your bin you never want to shit in your bed no i think i'd rather jade shit the bed than if that shit mystery we spent fucking six weeks trying to unpack and happened to me i'm still pissed off we don't know who did that if that happened in my house i'd never have peace again whereas if jade shit the bed it'd stink for a bit we'd get over it

and i would have a stick to beat it around the head with. You've left the fucking dishwasher open. You shit the bed, you daft cunt. Shut up. Why do you have a nut in your fucking holster? You shit the bed. That's not a one-time retort, that. You can use you shit the bed like on Unlimited for about three years.

Have you ever pooped a bed? No. No, that's a bad one, isn't it? Yeah. No, I've never had that. Good. Come very close to pissing the bed. You've never pissed the bed? Why? Are you looking at me?

Like that makes me the freak? I'm absolutely gobsmacked I've pissed the bed about half a dozen times in my adult life Why? Various reasons Hold on, what did you need to know? How many times in your adult life Do you wee in the bed?

Here's what I found on the web. Adults in bed wetting. In Continence, New Zealand. Mate, I don't know why my phone just did that. Have we, have we the bed, I'm a bit of a bed weir. What?

I have, I've had accidents. I drink a lot of fluids. Yes, so do I. Once. What are you talking about, Dan? When we were in America, I'm a big fan of root beer. I've always been a big fan of root beer.

It tastes like fucking mouthwash to me. I don't like it. Honestly, I know it's not everyone into it. It's a bit of a, it's like a fucking liquid Marmite, which sounds terrible, but I, for whatever reason, even though it's fussy,

I loved root beer as a kid it's like deep heat in it fizzy deep heat went to america when i was a kid and got absolutely addicted to them and it's so cheap in the mcdonald's you can get it on like you can get a vat of it you know like lemonade diet coke coke root beer i was root beer Out of my fucking mind And I was buying A six pack of little cans And drinking them And I pissed the bed

At a motel How old were you? 23 Pissed the bed Not just like Woke up And it was happened It had really weed

You know when you're like Almost like that scene From Godfather Where there's the This isn't normal and then my sister was like i was like okay i've weed the bed because she was in the bed we're in a twin room and my dad was upstairs i was like i've weed the bed and she was like you've not oh my god that's so cringy that's so cringy she was like why have you weed the bed? And literally on the bedside table, there was about 16 cans, empty cans of root beer.

I was like, it might be something to do with this. Hang on. I've been like down in root beer. When was the last time you weed the bed? Do you ever do that thing where you're in a dream and in the dream you need a wee and you can't quite wee yeah in the dream you're like oh i need to find the urinal and then you're urinal and like in your dream you're like fighting your trows and you're like god i'm gonna need to and then usually you wake up like oh my god i really need a wee and that was your head telling

you like damn wake the fuck up you're gonna piss the bed probably about five years ago i didn't quite make the dream like the dream in the it's always worrying in the dream if within the dream you like get your trousers open and you're at the urinal wean usually that means you look at me yeah yeah you see my face right you see my eyes i'm looking at you not blinking yeah right is that not good no you have a problem and you need to tell the doctor about this have you never had that dream no are you fucking kidding me you've never had a dream where towards the end you need to stop the incredulity as if i'm the dickhead here i'm not i've got 3000 fucking listeners Right now And I wanna hear If I'm the only person

That I have very vivid dreams Every time I have a dream That involves a toilet or a urinal Or me trying to piss I wake up busted Why are you dreaming about those things? Cause I need a wee But do you know when I need a wee in my sleep?

I wake up and I go for a wee Me body goes What are you dreaming about before I need a wee. But do you know when I need a wee in my sleep? I wake up and I go for a wee. My body goes, what are you dreaming about before you need the wee? I don't know, Pokemon, fucking Nandos, whatever. You dream about Nandos? I did have a dream the other night about Nandos, yeah. Have you had those dreams about sweets and stuff? Because when I was dieting,

I started having quite vivid dreams about Woolworth's Pick and Mix from back in the day no see you're saying have you had that dream about sweets and stuff as if this is a common dream that most people you're talking shit you've got a serious problem and you need to get it addressed this morning went into uh because me and laura sleep separately and etta always ends up in laura's bed so in the morning i go in and we all get in bed and we all like have a morning morning morning laura was like oh i had a weird dream last night this is totally true i had a really weird dream last night adam was trying it on with me like trying to crack onto me and he was sending me like inappropriate texts and i in her dream

she was like no adam fuck off and i genuinely felt a bit annoyed at you what you need to consider though is if she's dreaming that does she want it to happen like if her subconscious is creating that yeah as a thing so like i need a wee and she needs your fucking big 12 inch road exactly and there's part of her that knows it's wrong so she's like no i don't want that but she is as a thing. So I need a wee and she needs your fucking big 12 inch roadie. Exactly. And there's part of her that knows it's wrong so she's like, no, I don't want that

but she is dreaming about it. She's dreaming about saying no. Yeah, but that's her conscience because she's got a child with you. Right. Look, I've lost a bit of weight. You're looking good.

I'm looking good. I've had a shave recently. I put a nice selfie up the other day. Yeah. Maybe she's seen that and it's just done something now. That's not my fault. It's not Laura's fault. You can't even blame her.

You're just going to have to let it happen. Really? Yeah. I think that might make the podcast difficult. I'm going to be honest. I'm pretty laid back. But if you fuck my wife... Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. It's not the end of the world, but I'm going to have to have a couple of episodes off. Okay, that's fine. Not the Patreon. We'll do a Patreon episode. Jesus Christ. Fuck it now.

So, just on the weeing thing, these are not when you've been hammered drunk, because I could forgive that. Oh, yeah, I've peed the bed when I'm drunk. But you're not counting that, are you? These are sober, bed-wet things. That's not fair. That's like saying, have you crashed the car?

Well, obviously, when I was drink-driving. No, I'm joking. Yeah, a couple of times when you're drinking. But most of the ones you're talking about are sober, and you've just pissed the bed. Two or three times in my adult life. Several times as a teenager. To the point where you think it's really weird

that I haven't done it. Oh, yeah. I mean, to the point where my nana had to get a new mattress once when I was staying over. Why were you sleeping in your nan's bed? Oh, I was staying in the fucking spare room when I went to visit my grandparents. They had to get a new mattress.

I needed a sneeze and it's gone. I thought you were absolutely disgusted with me. You were, spare room. Is that not normal? Please, will you have a word pod? Or have a word pod at gmail.com. Tell me someone has had the dream where you need a piss

and you wake up and you're like, fuck, that was close. I needed a wee. Maybe they have had that dream. What kind of fucking camel are you? Camel. How many times do you wee a day? I don't know, 20.

You piss 20 times a day and you don't need to wake up for... Oh, it's weird. I do need to wake up for a wee. I do. But you just wake up. I just wake up. Nando's, Nando's, Nando's. Up for a piss.

Me, I'm flying, I'm flying, I'm flying. Adam's trying to bag my missus. Feel stressed. Need a wee. Trying to get my dick out. Can't, can't. Fuck. Just woke up.

Thank God. You're a daddy man. A daddy, daddy man. Don't fuck Laura. Don't do that. No, seriously. I'm more worried about the pod than my marriage. This is fuck Laura. Don't do that. No, seriously. I'm more worried about the pod than my marriage. This is too good what we've got here to throw away.

Please, Adam. Don't. Adam. Adam. Adam. Adam. Please don't bang my wife if you can help it. Adam.

I'll tell you what what your eyebrows are so hairy I'll do a two year contract with you I won't fuck Laura for at least two years right she's got two years to get it out of her head yeah

after that I'm a man she's a woman animal instincts take over if it has to happen it has to happen you just have to get on with it yeah

how would Jade be with that you can take over if it has to happen it has to happen you just have to get on with it yeah how would Jade be with that you can fuck Jade if I fuck Laura no no no no no because she already

hates this podcast and if she knows that either of us entertain this conversation Laura stop listening to the pod good she's tapped out

good now what do you really think of her there's a rat in the kitchen what am i gonna do there's a yeah she's tapped out she's like i can't do it it's too it's too much information that i'm directly involved in and it makes me she said she was listening to an episode and she started getting sweaty she's like probably because you're so sexy though isn't it yeah she's just listening to my scouse, badder tone.

God, I need him. Yeah, I think for me and you, any comic or actor, or anyone, sharing personal stuff, is just,

it's what we do. Our whole job is, reporting our life, and this is just, an extra version of that where we can talk freely for hours on end every week so every bit of our life gets sort of commentated on

but to someone sort of uninitiated with our way of life including our partners it's just not Jade doesn't hate doesn't hate the fact that I talk about it but she is a bit the same you say so much about it

I'm fine with you doing it but I just can't be arsed listening to it and you've got to have a good sense of humour to be with a comedian but I I think this is so open how we talk and also no holds barred in our sense of humour and I think she's just like she's

like i know it's none of it's harmful even the what we talk about whatever she knows what it is it's part of like it's not real but she stills like i can't handle it and then i was then she was like if i ever come and see the podcast live which i want to do you're not you and adam i'm never gonna be announced she's like i it gives you'll be in the room but she won't be like and here's laura basically a live show if laura's there me and adam will never make reference to it because she couldn't handle handle the thought she says that but watch when this fucking studio explodes and we start franchising it out and they can make it worse no we'll need fucking laura and jade to do their own podcast we'll call it have a bed

and they'll just sit there going nobody is fuckable and laura but oh my god you're so lucky that's in it in your head how it goes in my head yeah yeah and jade will be like oh my god but it's so massive sometimes i don't know what to do with it unless he's just played 40 and then it's literally like trying to find an extra few sometimes i'm like adam please go and play five aside it's just too big do you know i mean sometimes when i want i know i want it i just leave shin pads out just like please let him go and have a kick around In the garden I think we've drained That one

Yeah Go and have another Avete lad I think we need to I think we fucking Need to Go out then Alright

I'm going for a wee Oh you're going for a wee Are you Yeah Alright Go on Just You know good luck

It's a long walk I would love it if you pissed your pants On the way to that wee It would be so good Alright, see you later Don't text my wife You know them, you love them It's Vauxhall Comedy Club

In that there London. If you're visiting London, if you're going down for the weekend, take your missus, take your fella, take them to go and see comedy. There's some cracking comedy shows in London. Some of them, and I've played them, are a little lacking in fucking soul. Vauxhall Comedy Club. This is a comedy club done with love and care and done properly. In a great room with great atmosphere with brilliant comics,

some from the TV, some up-and-coming circuit talent and the absolute best of it if you're there for the weekend is friday and saturday night and down at voxel comedy club they call it bottomless booze comedy so basically you pay them an entry fee with the money for your booze included it's 25 quid it's a 90 minute show and you also get bottomless booze wine beer cider 25 quid there's also a spirit and mix of bottomless ticket. That starts at £35. If you're a purist, you're staying sober, you're fucking ziving, the ticket's just a tenner. Once we're done with the Rona and back to normal trading,

Vauxhall Comedy Club is usually open Monday to Saturday. It's right next to a street food garden. And between now and then, do us a favour and have a word and follow the Vauxhall Comedy Club online. You can join their mailing list. It's at Vauxhall Comedy Club on Insta, at Vauxhall Comedy on Twitter and Vauxhall Comedy Club on Facebook You can join the mailing list. It's at Vauxhall Comedy Club on Insta, at Vauxhall Comedy on Twitter,

and Vauxhall Comedy Club on Facebook. It's an over 18 night out, and you never know, come the autumn, you might see me and Adam there. From Texas to Skem, every lead is listening to the funniest podcast in the game.

This is Have A Word. You still recording, kids? Turn the music up in the headphone. Just as another big name guest get back to us on the break day. Tell you who it is after the show. Oh you sneaky

little fucker. It's easy to add that. Is it a good one? Some non-comedians would be good as well wouldn't it? This is a non-comedian? Shut up. This is a non-comedian Shut up This is a sports person Shut up Former Retired

A retired sports person No Not that one Tani Greets A young Active sports person Fuck it It's gonna be good

Have you got a have a word Have we got one Can I just say Maxine Who got in touch Yeah to Pearson. Fuck it, Al. It's going to be good. Have you got a have a word? Have we got one? Can I just say, Maxine Eyre, who got in touch, Yeah. offered to do some artwork.

It was very exciting. She just put at the end, I know you had a bit of an interaction with her over on the email, have a word upon it, gmail.com. At the end she went, P.S.

Have a word with your Geordie accents As they both need some work Ha ha You're fucking silly I I Howie man

Howie Honestly Sometimes I can't work out Howie man Yeah can he be having a go At me Geordie It's one of me fucking It's me peste resistance Right Yeah, can he be having a go at me Geordie?

It's one of me fucking... It's me peste resistance. Right, can I just say, as someone who enjoys doing accents, you always make it harder for yourself if you try and do an accent while speaking another language. If you have to say French words in fucking Geordie, that's way more complicated than... Just fucking talk about Greggs.

Talk about fucking... fog on a table aye aye no you're right unless you're doing like the name of players for Newcastle United like Tamuri Kitsbeyer

Alan Shearer is that the one that came to your head that's a fucking I don't know where that popped up from Alan Shearer fucking Is that the one that came to your head? That's a fucking... I don't know where that popped up from. Alan Shearer. Fucking...

Do you know the icon? Yeah, of course he is. David Ginoula. Do you know the way I did the reverse of something there? And I did the Geordie accent and then put a French thing. Do you ever watch... You're not as into footy as I am. But sometimes when Liverpool play,

during the normal season when not every game is televised, like, for a 3pm kick-off, there's no Sky or BT coverage, so you have to find Norwegian TV. Not Norwegian, but, like, Al Jazeera and some Saudi Arabian, and it's so fucking funny

because they have to still pronounce the players' names and sometimes they do it with an accent or whatever. So they go... Mohamed Salah. Roberto Firmino. And Trent Alexander-Arnold. Goal, goal, goal, goal, goal, goal, goal. La, la, la, la.

Adam, we've only had the tendency for two weeks. I honestly think we're getting thrown out of here. But shouting Trent Alexander-Arnold and then la, la, la, la, la is so random. On that holiday where I pissed my pants with root beer, ESPN in Spanish was showing Man United play, and it was proper South American.

You know when they... We love it over here when they're like, have you seen how they commentated on this in Colombia? GOLA! GOLA! And then he said Nicky Butt. And it was one of the... GOLA! Nicky Butt.

Nicky Butt. And it was one of the... Goal! Nicky Bud. Nicky Bud. I think me fucking Jordy's quality. And I've decided I'm going to do the whole of the episode, the rest of fucking have a word leg in my Jordy accent. Oh, yeah, man.

I'll do it with you. Actually, I've just fucking gone off the idea. How? I've got to fucking... I've just fucking gone off the idea. How? I've got to fucking... I've got to have a word, like, from some fucking absolute bell sniff from... Go on, man, tell us what it is. I didn't even know where it's from, like.

Tell us what it is. I think that even might be racist. What you're doing could possibly be racist. Your fucking Geordie sounds more African than your fucking African when you're presenting this Geordie. No, man, come on. Adam Walbach. Give us a break, will you?

Jesus Christ, let me fucking finish the email. We've had a little bit of correspondence, like. Tell you what about Hitler. Wouldn't have made it his money. Adam Walbachark this is from two days ago all right a lid and dave i'm making it sound a bit special all right eyelid and dave oh uh hey hey is he having a go at my foot and eyelid i think he is man foot and plate man i'll fucking find out where he is I'll shag his sister

just don't shag my wife um long time listener here I need you to have a word with my bird for not in capitals not

fucking recycling oh it might sound boring but the bins of one of my household jobs not complaining about that

but this fucker throws everything in the same bin, meaning two things. One, I have to rummage through the fucking bin when the bin men decide not to take it. Two, not enough space in one bin, and an empty one. The recycling's empty. I've told her countless times,

and it's starting to piss me right off. Have a word so I can play it to her. That's Adam from fucking Blackburn in Lancashire. Adam, I don't care what this Adam's saying. This is from me to you. Yes, fam. Here comes old Susie Contrarian. Fucking just stick everything in and get fucking,

you know, dodgy Egypt hook ever to come and fucking burn it. Get all your fucking you know dodgy jip oak ever to come and fucking burn it get all your fucking like mullet light pots and just throw it on a fucking fire that's how we did it

I over cycle when Jade can see what bin I'm putting the stuff in who does the bins in your house both of us meaning

you're not in charge of the bins no she's in charge of the bins no she's in charge of the bins no if you just throw everything in one oh shut up you rat if you throw everything in one bin

then your main like everything bin is overflowing how is that not annoying I'm with Adam I just sort of put it in whatever's easiest sometimes I'm like, sometimes I do recycle because it makes me feel like I've done me bit,

but a lot of the time I'm just like, that can just go in there, I'm busy. I think when you're hungover, it doesn't matter. When I'm hungover, I literally put the takeaway wrapper in the bin. I put the fucking bedding in the bin. It's all just like, tie it up.

You meant to recycle bedding. Just take it away. I just want everything away from me. I'd put my face in the bin. I want to get in the bin and throw myself away. When you're hungover, it's different. But on a normal weekday, when you're doing your fucking living, normal living, if you can't be arsed putting plastic in the plastic and cardboard

in the cardboard, what are you doing? It's annoying. Do you have two separate recycles? We have glass and plastic and cardboard. See, Liverpool City Council don't. We have the bin and the blue bin and the blue bin's all recycling. Plastic, cardboard, glass.

So that's even easier. Yeah, but the recycling bin is slightly plastered cardboard even easier yeah but the recycling bin is slightly harder to reach when I'm at the stove you say you just fuck the planet because you don't want to take one step the thing is though

I've looked into it right and most recycling doesn't actually get recycled anyway because there's only so much recycling that can be done. So loads of it. Like, if they're already at the capacity, then it's not worth it, is it? You don't know what fucking capacity is what capacity.

You're like the person who throws rubbish in a town centre because, like, yeah, keep someone in work, that. I'd never do it in the countryside. That would be wrong. But I'll always throw it out on the ring road because that keep someone in work, that. I'd never do it in the countryside. That would be wrong. But I'll always throw it out on the ring road because that keeps someone in work. Litter pickers. Do you want more unemployment?

Oh, mate. Come on. What's wrong with a little fucking bag of crisp on the floor? It's culture as well. I don't really litter. I don't litter. Do you know what? You've said you want to bang my wife

and you even talked about my nana before and I find none of that offensive, but this has really irked me. No, I don't really listen. When you're out and about... You do want to bang my wife. When you're out and about, let's say you're out and about, right?

You're doing your dance off you're just cracking on being you oh yeah and you've had I don't know a bottle of Fanta or a Diet Coke

oh yeah yeah yeah and it's empty yeah and you walk past a bin yeah yeah a city council bin yeah do you put it in

now I know what you're doing your honour and I feel like I'm being trying to i'm the thing this is i'm not a judge i'm a lawyer it's entrapment it's entrapment no i'm asking you a question no i see what you're doing i see what you do answer the question i use the council provided receptacle the bin that's available the bin right listen to me if the council have one of those

modern fucking two bins because chester and cheshire west it's possible isn't it a bit of money if there's like recycling on one side a normal bin in the other i would always put it in the recycling or if it's just one fucking old school wasazzit in. Yeah. Yeah, it's going in. Right. So why don't you keep that with you until you get home where you can recycle it? Because, yeah, good point. If I have a bag or pockets, chances are I'm lying. You are lying, aren't you?

Because you don't really care about the planet. It's all virtue signaling bollocks. You know what That's literally the argument for any cunt Who doesn't want to do Oh here we are fucking virtue signaling I only touched her tits a bit Fuck yeah

No I'm not If you've got a recycling bin and a fucking normal bin And you can't be arsed moving your fat arm To the other side of the fucking bin Oh so it doesn't damage the planet if there's only one bin? I'm just saying it, then it's the option is

on the fucking park or in the bin. So I choose the bin. No, you keep hold of it and put it in your recycling bin. I have actually this is how bad I am in my little village. If I see rubbish on my street, I'll pick it up and if I were walking to the park, i'll pick it up if i were like we're walking to the bar i'll pick other people's list that's i think that's when you know you're an adult and

a boring one of that when you pick it like oh bloody hell these kids and i've picked up like a crisp packet and put it in the bin that's how when you know you're a boring old fucker when you put other people's lists once a month me and my mate do just go around livepill city centre and pick some listen up. I can't hit it hard enough. I need something harder to hit it with. I might even bring... You lying fucking rat. We do.

We haven't been able to do it because of coronavirus. We do. Once a month. Why are you fucking lying? Week before payday. What kind of horseshit fantasy is that? You fucking liar. I'm not a liar.

You have never got a fucking little green tabard. Liverpool City. City centre saviours. Lies. Me and Six Me and Me To enter school With me Scott

The two stees Josh Ryan And Mark Yeah lads on litter tour Is anyone else In their head thinking Community service

This happened once When you got caught Like fucking You just do it to feel good Sticking your dick In taxidermy squirrels Why don't you believe me? You have never been litter picking.

We do it. Look at the smile. What? He literally got... He's so relaxed in his new fucking showy off studio. He's like trying to do the bullshit, but he's like, oh. No, we do it.

Because your face makes me laugh. But we do it. You fucking bullshitter. We do it you fucking bullshit we do it once a month we haven't done it since covid kicked off properly

and I've never mentioned it on the podcast because I don't like publicising it oh no you keep everything to yourself don't you

mate you can't do a big shit without tweeting about it Dan look that's for comedy purposes this is like this is virtue signal isn't it Dan look that's for comedy purposes this is like this is virtue signal isn't it oh look how good a person I am you'd never do that

once a month yeah yeah yeah I should do a bit of charity work what do you do blind kids you do blind kids yeah yeah I'm into blind kids not adults they can fucking...

You're going to look so fucking stupid when I get my mate to confirm this in a minute. What, mate? Which one of the two Stis? Sti Dixon or Sti Fitz.

Whichever takes me back first. That was good. That was good. Josh Hughes, Sti Fitz, Sti Dixon, Mark Darlan, Ryan Shortswig.

You're the little lads. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you have sticks with a little points on it? Do you take around? You just let the grabbers. Oh, you have grabbers.

Six grown men with plastic grabbers going around. We've done it since we were like 17. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm so annoyed.

Why? I honestly prefer when you talk about banging Laura why it's more enjoyable than you going ah fucking hell

I don't give a shit like before you were like ah fucking I was just joking that's for comedy purposes it's a comedy podcast I'm telling you the truth once a month

we go litter picking we go round town and if town's not that messy because the council of beats is too here we go round like the other bits yeah like not that messy, because the Council of Peace is to it, we go round, like, the other bits. Yeah. Like, the Baltic Triangle, or, like, round Anfield and stuff.

What are we doing? Why are you giving me details to the lie? You just take your big dick out, and just fucking get crisp packets with your big dick. No, we've got to grab it. Yeah. You're going to feel fucking embarrassed. Have you got one picture of you doing the litter picking?

We don't do that, because we don't, like, showcase it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's so angry. And he's wrong as well. It is true. You're so wrong. It's 100% real. Where's the...

Which mate? Which what? Steve Fitz. where's the which which mates which what Steve Fitz Steve Fitz what time is it five to six yeah

it's completely conceivable that he would answer the phone okay give me the phone I want to ring him you can't why why can't I ring

because he won't like being on the record oh will he not we won't like being on the record. Oh, will he not? We won't tell him. I'll ring him off the thing. No, no. Who will... Which one of the litter-picking six? You?

Yeah? You fucking dickhead! Are you going to let me ring one of your mates? Yeah! Are you going to do it? I'm trying to think which one. Which one of the six? Where's the fucking...

Come on. We'll do it. Which one? Which one? I want to ask him. I want to ask him. Not you. They might say no, though, because they don't like...

Oh, Adam. Your veil of lies. Did you try and go, they might pretend like they've no idea what the fuck you're talking about you know because it's so important the anonymity to them they might even say what the fuck are you talking about I haven't seen that

rat since 2012 but I swear to god how can I prove it who else knows one of the six they're not going to say no they're not How can I prove it? Who else knows? One of the six. They're not going to say it? No, they're not.

No. Adam, let it go. Just let it go. I can't let the truth go. Are you going to let me ring one of the six? Come on. The podcast deserves it. Give it up.

Give it up. Give it up. No, up. Give it up. Mate, you're so competitive. I was so close, though. What? You were that close? I was just trying to buy time. I was just that awful close.

Why do you think we're like, oh, fucking hell, you've got to get out of the studio? I knew then that you were thinking about ringing someone, and I would have absolutely loved if you'd have held your fucking nerve. And so we had someone on the phone going, Hi Adam, how do I meet? Hi, it's Dan, I do a podcast with Adam. Right. When was the last, do you ever do something? You and Adam and five other mates.

He better not have told you about fucking Prague. Right. I didn't know she was underage. It's time to have a word. There's no song this week. It just turns out that Adam's having a break from the podcast. We haven't got a song because no one's been sending in new tunes. Would you do us a favour?

We've got a song, haven't we? Who sent stuff in? I don't know. I'm sure I've seen one today. Right, can we just use that on Monday because we're running out of songs? Adam? Sure.

It's fine. Let's leave it. It's fine. You can use this to go, please, could you send us some songs? We need more songs! Listen, we don't have to end on tunes, but we would love to help our up-and-coming artists.

The hip-hop's been going down great. If you know anyone, like Jill Bushell literally went out of her way for us to, like, her niece, and we played it. If you know anyone with a band, get them to just send the MP3. If it's half decent and we like it, we will play them. We need the MP3 or the WAV file. You can't just send us a link to spotify or youtube we can't do anything with that whoever wants to submit a song because we've got like 20 emails from people

who've gone here's a link to our thing and then we have to listen to us on spotify like just send us the mp3 send us the mp3 and we will play your song we are on loan and there is one that i seen the other day Which I might have Moved to the spam or something Which is why you haven't seen it And if you've got a big dick And you'd like to talk about it Have a word pod at gmail.com

And if you've ever seen a big dick And said that's not going in my Fucking fluffy cave Yeah And if you've ever seen Adam With five of his mates Litter picking in the city centre Six of our mates

You've done drugs And if you've ever weed the with five of his mates litter picking in the city centre, you've done drugs. And if you've ever weed the bed, let's just sum up properly. Someone's had that dream. No, they haven't. Tell you right now, please, build a bridge, piss on it. Tell me.

Adam, that has been 85 minutes of utter fucking nonsense and I've loved every minute of it. Well done with that press release, my friend. That's beautiful. I'm very proud of what we've done here and thanks to everyone who's supported it and shared it it's uh it's nice to get the the word out about the studio thank you very much to everyone who has liked shared commented tagged keep doing it please if you have if you're listening to this and you haven't seen the social media posts already please go to instagram twitter facebook it's all over the place give it a like give it a share tag some mates the and you haven't seen the social media posts already, please go to Instagram, Twitter, Facebook.

It's all over the place. Give it a like, give it a share, tag some mates. The more people that see it, the better. And we are about to start taking the videos up to another level. You're going to love what we've got coming. You're going to love the guests we've got coming. Stage two of Have A Weird Is Here.

Bye for now.