Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #75 - IN STUDIO - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: July 20, 2020

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Oh, jeez. Show me muscle again. Oh, Hercules, Hercules. Oh, you think darkness is your ally? Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? Don't chat to me. I can see fumes coming off your pum pum look like petrol station.

Disgusting. Follow us on social media at Havawadpod. And don't forget to watch our very funny podcast videos on YouTube. You can subscribe at youtube.com forward slash Havawadpod. Ja! They go by Alan and Dave, Aaron and Dean, Grandad and the Yeti, or even Chanel and Denise. Have a word. Oh my god, it started! Just, you know, welcome, welcome to the show. Welcome!

Thanks so much for coming on. My name is Dan Nightingale and I am a they. And I'm here with Adam Roe. Hi, Adam. How do you identify? I don't know. You've had a weird hour, haven't you? I've gone a bit. Just sat down. Just seeing you oh i've gone a bit just sat down just seeing you in shorts sent me a bit like some fresh air didn't you but i've been wearing shorts almost every time we've

done the pod for four months but you just can't see me bottom half yeah i i saw that uh there was an article about some fucking solicitor and they were doing like a zoom court case and he stood up and they were like dude you're not got pants on and i don't know are they trying to report do they think anyone's going to be like that is disgusting and he needs to change his anyone with any sort of shred of decency is going to read that and be like yeah who gives a fuck i i've got a feeling you know that when when like they go right it's all done here's the vaccine or like everyone's at it now and you know some of your nans are dead and we're very sorry about that but you know everything's going back to normal don't worry i reckon there's going to be some

professions that used to be suit and tie that are just like tracky bottoms. I reckon some. Yeah. It's definitely going to be trousers though, isn't it? Most places that wear trousers are going to go back to being trouser-based professions. You reckon? Yeah, I think so. Do you not reckon like offices that, because at the minute, if you work in an office

and you don't really deal with the clients, but you're in the office, you still have to wear trousers, shirt, tie. I reckon some of them might just go, nah, do you know what? We've obviously, the business is still run for four months. You can wear, you know, a mankini to work if you want. I think all versions of making,

I am not a big fan of making people dress a certain way in almost any professional circumstance. I'm like, if you've got the right person for the job, let them be a fucking grown-up and wear what they want to wear. Like, well, here... What about, like, a child's birthday clown? Right, OK, yeah, yeah. He can't turn up in, like, a Liverpool away kit. Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah. He can't turn up in like a Liverpool away kit.

Yeah, I'm Kev the Clown. The 988, 89, 90 fucking grey one. I just think it's so bad. I hate it when corporates are like, could you wear a suit? I'm like, could you suck my fucking balls? They're like, we're paying you a grand. You're like, no, I'm right, I'll wear a suit. I've got like levels to suck my fucking balls? They're like, we're paying you a grand. You're like, I'm wearing a suit. I've told you before, haven't I?

I've got, like, levels to what I'll wear for what price. I hate it, though. Yeah. UPS delivery, guys. You know what? I get it. They turn up in the big American-looking brown van with the weird shitty brown thing and the yellow UPS.

I think that looks good because the Amazon guy looks like he's snuffling for fucking heroin he's got a cardboard amazon box and he like gets out of his clearly stolen transit van and looks at you like another fucking delivery fuck off i like the ups guy so i'm gonna say that's one uniform i feel like the adverts amazon delivery delivery drivers on job websites are like, do you own a pickup truck? Have you had your electricity cancelled? We'd love to hire you at Amazon. Do you hate people?

Have you got the ability in your right foot to volley a package 200 yards? Do you like fucking up people's front gardens with your massive van i the other day because um comedy's on its way back i'm sure you and our listeners have heard the news stand-up comedy is coming back dan in some form there's going to be some social distance indoor stuff um there's been so many false dawns. We've said this so many times. But there's definitely coming back. We've been hurt before, Adam. But I've got just another shout-out here.

Thank you to everyone who's bought tickets for this Friday in Chester, the show I'm doing there. It's sold out, which is phenomenal. Very, very happy about that. I've got a couple of others I'll announce soon. But very, very grateful. They are coming back. Comedy is coming back.

But some comedy clubs, there's a bit of chat, isn't there? Don't know whether you've heard this, that we're going to need to bring our own microphones. Have you heard this? Yes. So there's going to be a couple of comedy clubs to protect their comedians. Going to say, bring your own mic as you walk on stage.

The compere will take his mic out of the wire. They'll hand you the wire, and you plug your own mic in and then start your set. Yeah, that's the budget ones. Yeah. The good comedy clubs will take your mic off you when you get there, plug it into a second mic stand,

and the compere will switch them around. You know what I mean? It won't be like, click, click. I know the gigs you're thinking of. There's loads of them where they're like, we've got a mic stand. We've only got one wire.

It's made out of a piece of bamboo that we found on floor and we put black tape on and we stand it up and it's a mic stand. But I think the good ones, the good ones do have two mic stands and more than one mic lead.

So they're going to be like, look, we'll take that and then you know, that's yours. Just grab it from the right or whatever. like you'll have like a red tape on you're the red tape my red tape hi guys um yeah how's that sitting with you bring your own mic i'm fine with it like i like if it was up to me i'm at the point now where i welcome covid i want the immunity give me it i'll get over it I'll be fine which for someone with

health anxiety I hope that doesn't ever get a comeback because that is at 5 minutes 40 into this 7 minutes 40 into this podcast like that is a whoo with everything we know that is a clip you do not want replayed

yeah but I if I got it right now, I'd be panicking for a bit, but as long as I survived, I'd be so fucking happy that I've now got the immunity. Anyway, but because they're the rules, you know, I'm happy to oblige.

I want to talk about people refusing to wear masks in a minute as well. Got a fucking B in me, Bonnie. I like it. So I've bought an SM58. I bought the microphone for comedy club usage. Industry standard. Costs about 100 quid.

89 quid it was. Amazon primed it. Seven quid for a six meter wire, male to female. Ordered them both. The wire come on Friday and the microphone come on Saturday. One came, the wire come on Friday and the microphone come on Saturday. He put, and it had marks on the box, contains microphone. Fragile.

Yeah. He put it in the rain under me window ledge and posted a note. I was in. I was in the fucking house. He didn't fucking knock. He kind of knocked. He might have knocked. I was in the shower.

But he left me box under the window ledge in the rain. And it's very, very lucky that the microphone had, like, a plastic bag protecting it within the box. Because the box was fucked, mate. So Amazon can fuck off. What's that about? You don't get to just be like, I'm at the house. I have the package.

COVID goes on doorbells. Not pressing that. I know there's people walking around outside here on the street. I'll just pop it there. Is that my safe place? No, not at all. But I can't be fucked doing my job. I don't mind it when they leave it in a safe place.

I've had Amazon Delivers, like, drivers put it... Delivers? Hey there, Deliver. Deliver. They've put it behind a recycling bin. One, once my sister got a package, the guy went round the back, tried to find a safe place, couldn't find one.

There's a little broken window pane in my sister's garage, posted it through the broken window pane, because he could see it was like the tumble dryer. It dropped onto the tumble dryer, and he left a note going, I've posted it through the window of the garage. My sister had to semi-clear out the garage to get it,

but at least it was safe. I mean, it was a bit weird, but at least it's not like, ugh, windowsill. What are you going to do? It's going to get stolen. You fuckwit. Just either put it in, it's got to be somewhere, isn't it? It's going to get stolen. You fuckwit.

Just either put it in... It's got to be somewhere, hasn't it? It's got to be tucked. That's fucking annoying. Ugh, annoying. The only reason I knew it was there is me Amazon Alexa that I've got in the house. I'm saying, fuck Amazon. I own every Amazon product.

And if I want anything, it's the first place I go. It's got Jeff Bezos' t-shirt. Amazon is such a useful company, it doesn't matter that they're cunts. Do you know what I mean? I would honestly if they could do prime delivery on cornflakes i'd be i'd be buying fucking everything from amazon

have you heard of amazon prime now oh oh it's like that within an hour yeah you've got to live near a hub i do oh you've moved haven't you you actually adam's moving again yeah he just needs to be near a hub adam's house and then a massive amazon so they don't even have to use a drone or a delivery guy like adam we've got another package for you fucking wasn't it out of the house the only reason i knew it was there is my amazon Alexa was flashing yellow, which means I've got a delivery coming that day, and you can say, Alexa, where's me stuff? And it tells you how far away it is. What the fuck?

You've got a flashing light that talks to you in your house, and yellow means delivery on the way. Yeah. What do the other colours mean? Green and blue means your timer's going off. So if I put some chicken in the oven right what's time what's red red uh means you've had the machines of one red you've had a stroke what what if my stroke means i can't see red nightmare

i didn't know that was the case welcome to the fucking future yeah and I went to Alexa where's me stuff and she went your package containing one item the Shure SM58

microphone was delivered today by Rodri and I was like fuck I went Jade have you

have you signed for me microphone there's been no deliveries Adam and I went the fuck is it and I went outside it was pissing down

and it was just there under me fucking window ledge why have they not knocked don't know maybe he was too busy Roderick

he defo didn't knock because the dog would have went mental Roderick gives zero fucks no they've got a dog I'm not knocking on there have you seen Minnie

she's not going to fucking take your throat out is she oh you are underestimating that dog. Oh, really? Yeah. I can't wait until you first come to mind.

How high can she jump? It's high like... Is it? Is it Rodri Throat High? Oh my God. What's... The Amazon Echo's flashing purple.

Yeah, the dog's murdered someone again. That's the dog the Amazon echoes flashing purple. Yeah. The dogs murdered someone again. That's the dog murder light flashing. Just, I always, I always do it slightly dodgy East European because the guy that did, we've got two guys that deliver to us.

TPD is the most scouse guy ever. He is so fucking quality, dead friendly. He looks like he only does weights in his calves every time every time i see him walk away i'm like i've just got to keep on that guy it's just fucking muscle he looks like he puts growth hormone in the fucking calves and he wears shorts he's like yeah he's like so like i know you're scouse but he's like he's like scouse to the point of if he wasn't from the pool and that was the Scouse accent he did,

people would be like, are you definitely putting that on? That doesn't sound like a good Scouse accent. See, my accent softens, especially around people like you. This isn't my, you'll notice it more

because like, we haven't really told anyone this, but we're about to bring Carl in to help us out and we as producer, and he's going to be, my best mate Carl who's moving back from Japan,

he's going to be in this room a lot and you'll notice i'm scouter when i talk to him right um yeah i i can see that yeah when i'm back in yeah i suppose so yeah it does doesn't it when you hear it yeah um laura's more nottingham when she's either pissed or at home she speaks quite pleasantly what's nottingham you're all right you're're right like a weird sort of it's kind of northern but it's also got like a twang of like it's really hard to do if you're not from around east midlands it's very hard to do the accent you know to mean that's more like long eastern they sound rough as fuck like and they say duck no one else really says duck do you know what I mean duck that's the sort of East Midlands Nottingham

and I make them sound simple as well sounds Asian doesn't it what do you do with your teeth I don't know when you do a Nottingham accent

you get a really protruding overbite I know but what the fuck I wish this was on video you look fucking insane i'm trying to get it right do you know what i mean but when she's had a drink fucking hell she gets like fuck off i love it when she gets so aggressive

oh yeah sorry amazon suck me dick i am not against all of those big companies if they make my life easier but i'm the type of shit bag that will pretend they're bad like i'm that dickhead whenever it's like i really think you should support independent farmers markets small shops independent mom and pop type stores and i'm like oh yeah yeah covered in asda bags and like sainsbury's bags and like nine Amazon delivery. I'm so bad for that. Like I'll pretend it's like, oh, it is awful, isn't it? I was raised on fucking Argos, mate.

I didn't give a shit. Amazon is just Argos for the future. We used to, when we were kids, we used to go around to my gran's. This is so like Western and commercial. And she'd like make us our tea and we'd be watching cartoons she'd be like do you want to look at the argoth catalogue it would be like april and we'd have a pen each and we'd circle in our up she got two one for katie one

for me and just circle the things we wanted oh my god page six seven nine item 23 and like a circle around it amazon's just fucking that in it if you were raised like that why amazon is so good like you can anything you think of like should we just check do you know what a wish list is oh god when you just basically like stick it all in there yeah this is what i want and like really attractive girls post the link to their wish list. Love them. On their social media. Yeah. And men. Oh, yeah.

Buy them it and send them it. Yeah. I'm into that. If I was fit, if I was a girl, single or not, and I had an OnlyFans, I'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And here's my fucking Eon account. Do you want to pay my fucking gas bill as well? Would you let Laura have her OnlyFans? She can't even be arsed with Facebook!

No, but right, listen, no, hear me out. Let me set the promises of the question, okay? So... It's so funny because it's laura laura has such bad social anxiety she basically said to me last week i told you on the pod that she'll come to a live show she wants to she wants to see it she wants to support it she loves you i think she's falling out of love with the content of this podcast because it's giving her social anxiety. She can't even be in a room with the live shows.

She wants to be at the thank you show. She's going to, I don't even know if she's going to be able to because she thinks people will know it's her and they'll have remembered all the stories that I've said about her. And that makes her feel like awful. Could you imagine that person being like, and here's me flaps. Doing a fucking selfie. Trying to get the bum all like, Mama's thirsty tonight. Who wants to jizz on these fucking flaps?

Or whatever OnlyFans women say. Probably not that. Second national lockdown. Oh yeah, times are tight. Second wave. Big fucking peak. This country is fucked. Yeah, we're not even allowed in the studio that we've

just spent a shit ton of money on. Yeah. So, the podcast's fucked. Fuck. Right? Your laptop's broke. We can't even do it by Zoom. Right. It's gone. And gigs are not coming back. And Laura is fucked off from her job because the company shuts. It's

bad. Yeah. Right? Yeah. But there's still, there's always going to be pervy men with a bit of money. They're always going to exist. It's a constant. And they love the internet and the internet's going nowhere.

If anything, it's a growth business, no pun intended. So, Laura's talking to one of her friends via a telephone. Thanks for that, Deet. Via Mind Powers and Telepathy.

Okay, keep going, Adam. And it makes like, look, I've been on OnlyFans and I'm making two grand a week. Oh, yeah. Right? Did you say two grand a week? Are you on fucking glue?

I'd have her on Street Corners for two grand a week. I you on fucking glue? I'd have her on street corners for two grand a week. I'd have her dancing live. Get the big piece of chicken out. Go on. Two, yeah, go on.

Onlyfans, two grand a week. Is it taxable? A mate's making that, right? Oh, right, yeah,

yeah. She's like, look, first few months on it i wasn't making two grand a week i was making 50 quid a hundred quid there but i've built up and now i'm making two grand a week yeah five six months in yeah right and laura comes to you and goes look things are really bad yeah you know the government's Tory bastards not giving us any benefits totally Totally. And we're going to lose the house.

Oh, Christ. Etta can't eat. Oh, yeah, and she eats. There's no money for turbo shanties. What? What did you just say? There's no money for turbo shanties. I didn't realise it was actually serious.

Etta can't eat. All right, yeah, yeah. There's no money for turbo shanties. Shut the fuck... This has stopped being fun. Sorry. There's no money for Turbo Shandys.

I've just been speaking to... What's her best mate's name? Let's say Kerry. Just been speaking to Kerry on the phone. She could. She's dirty.

She's fucking dirty. She's like OnlyFans dirty. She could. She's dirty. She's fucking dirty. She's like OnlyFans dirty. She'd be up for it. Does she listen? Yeah, she'd listen if she knew it was about her.

She'd be like, that's fucking ridiculous what you said then, actually. I'm finding it very offensive and I will be complaining about that.

Stop doing the teeth! On my OnlyFans page. I can't look at those teeth. OnlyFans slash Kezzy B. So, I've been speaking to Kerry, and she has been getting her ass out. It's like you know how she speaks.

It's like you know how she speaks. That is the exact wording that Laura would use because she's been getting a rat heart have you spent time in the

east midlands because it's almost like you've got the vernacular listen I've been on the fucking blue

not telepathy not this time I've been speaking to she's been getting a rat heart all around

Derby all around Borough she's got a rat heart all around Derby all around Borough she's got a rat heart I can't wait to hear feedback on that accent you know because it's not good

it's not good one of our regular listeners Adele is from Nottingham you know the one I said I thought was from Manchester yeah when she wrote in

because she started with alright love or something like that alright me dog it's not great it's not the worst she messaged me after that i'm like i'm not from manchester actually i'm from nottingham so adele give us some feedback on dan's actually wait we'll come back to what you're doing but in my experience people for nottingham are so chuffed to even hear anyone recognize that they have an accent because so few people can do a Nottingham accent or even attempt it.

So, just saying, it's probably less a bit darby. So, Kerry's been getting her ass out and, at first, people, like,

weren't really biting. They didn't bite the rat? I'm having so much fun. I felt really ropey about an hour ago. I'm back in the game people were nearly biting but she was getting

the odd following and that right the odd nibble she's here she's she's getting like two grand a week now and I'm just wondering

is it time that I got myself an OnlyFans page to help pay the bills and babe right look if

if I do set one of these up how far am i allowed to go am i allowed to show nipples am i allowed to show inside the vagina hole just the outside me bum hole do you want me to shave do you want me to not shave what are the rules for me okay all of that that you just described all that detail yeah does that equate to two grand a month

does it does everything you just went through all that list of pretty graphic detail is that two grand a month it was two grand a week Kenny

two grand a week mama like that mama like that get it out come on fucking I'll get I'll literally pay for faster broadband to make that happen the week, Kenny? Two grand a week! Mama like that. Mama like that. Get it out. Come on, fucking. I'll literally pay for faster broadband to make that happen.

Would you let her know? Would you be okay with it? I would. Because I am very body positive. I really am. It's a good job she doesn't listen to this anymore. No, I am.

If you want to get the beefcake out, you let it ride. That's not what body positive to this anymore. No, I am. If you want to get the beefcake out, you let it ride. That's not what body positive means, Dan. I'm pro flaps. Body positive doesn't mean being positive about... Body positive is a term for fat women to say, I'm fat and that's okay. Okay, good.

Are you calling your wife fat? What are you trying to do, Adam? What are you trying to do, Adam? What are you trying to do? All of a sudden, this banter went from silly, silly stuff to shit, shit, Adam. You said body positive. I was just... But why do you have to literally go,

what are you saying? This is fucking massive. I'm like, what are you doing? Mate, I'll be honest. As much as I know it's not going to happen, it would be, I don't know, maybe I would let it happen. How can I sit on this podcast talking the unfiltered nonsense that we talk and say you can't get your tits out on Twitter? I can't Twitter.

Oh, I need fucking whatever it is. They use Twitter, don't they? Yeah, and the paywall. That's important as well. Yeah, but they have to show a little bit of tit on Twitter. Sometimes, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's your public episode.

That's your bait, isn't it? Your bait turns your only fans. Yeah. I don't know. I think I'm not jealous of that kind of stuff. If she wants to do it. What if I signed up, though? What if you?

Oh, of course. I didn't think about people actually signing up that we knew. How are you guys doing? I'm listening to the podcast. And imagine if Freddie got into it. You're doing really well. Can you imagine, Ray? Laura's doing great.

If Laura just went to you. Oh, my God. I've started. And he finds everything's on great. If Laura just went to you, oh my God, I've started an OnlyFans, everything's on them, me bumhole, me vagina, and I've got 100 followers already in like an hour, and then you checked our Patreon

and it had gone down by 100. And one of the followers is the frog and bucket team. Oh God, I don't think I'd be as badly positive then well that was dangerous but she stopped listening so that's great it's fine but i mean in theory at the moment with the current climate two grand a week we'd have serious conversations about fucking anyone doing it can i can i tell you what i've been up to at the weekend? What were you up to at the weekend? Have you had a nice time?

I haven't seen you since Friday. That's a long time. Oh my God, that's so nice for you to ask. Let me tell you, it's been trials and tribulations non-stop. Yeah, just hanging out with our new neighbours. We've got some new neighbours. The guy's my age. Like, bang on. Are these the ones you said looked dead rough?

No, no, no. We've got some new toasty neighbours round the corner. They're a bit toasty. They're alright. They've been dead quiet. We've got some new toasty neighbours around the corner. They're a bit toasty. They're all right. They've been dead quiet. They're not as bad as we thought. It also stands out because our fucking street is so dull and boring. Even if you wear a tracksuit, everyone's like,

whoa, a bit ropey here. Who's this character? But the new neighbours are dead sound. It's so sad that I've got to that age where i've got mates around the country but someone just moving in two doors down that's my age and wears like fucking adidas trainers and looks normal i'm like friend friend they've got a three-year-old laura likes the wife i'm fucking i'm like oh my god and this is the saddest thing we hung out for like two hours on the park. You better not start a podcast with this prick.

He sounds like a knobhead. Don't get jealous. Sounds like a knobhead to me. Only neighbours. We talked for two hours. And at one point, we talked about property, houses, and like, I was like, I just literally went, oh, what the fuck has happened? Do you remember when you used to meet someone, you'd be like, what band's you into? Who do support that's gone now it's literally not even

talked about it's just like oh what primary school are you thinking for do you know if you can afford an extension within the first it's with that i'm that cunt now we're just talking about property and fucking but like did you tell him about this place you did didn't you oh yeah oh he went and looked at it he was like oh yeah because i mentioned it he's like yeah i had a look um yeah i might have a listen so i did that thing i'm like okay so before you the fear in my the fear in my eyes i do say some things on the podcast that i wouldn't shout in the cul-de-sac a couple of things to just as a little bit like i'm not worried about him the other neighbors the ones you were like fucking dog nonsense fucking shesh it's already cunt i'm like please never look at it but with with the new neighbors i'm like your sound but i did have to go it's a

little bit rude because i don't want them to be like you know how good law would never forgive me if i waved to them, they'd listen to an episode and they were like, disgusted. I just think it's so funny that that version of you exists. The one who's worried about,

it's a bit rude with the things we say on this. The fact that that person- This is the real me as well. That's the, like- Yeah, that's the fee. I really don't think you want gravel on the front drive.

And inside I'm like, I love doing cocaine and doing podcasts. What? Did I say that? Sorry about that. I had, yesterday was probably the best day of my lockdown. Adam, just go for your 3P. Based on that, what do you think happened? You've been looking at my wife's OnlyFans.

Liverpool won the league. No, that ago uh second best day in lockdown yesterday liverpool did win the league well i mean friday was pretty good because we launched this place online thanks for all the love to everyone who sent messages and and re-shared and everything and then we found out there could be like gigs in rooms that was pretty good i don't know what could have trumped it the chip is open the chip has been open the whole time oh shit you're on the right track though i had a fucking dominoes lad i had on a sunday you fucking sorry they had to buy one, get one free collection. All right, sorry, sorry. A medium Domino's, six of the eight slices all together is 1,300 calories. A budgeted in for me day.

Add a little cheat day. Add a cookie as well. Oh, lad, it was phenomenal. I've never enjoyed a pizza that much in my life, ever. When you've been dieting, the first bit of dirt is special, isn't it? It's like coming out of prison and having sex. At one point, Jade was looking away. She was on her phone or doing something,

and I made a noise that I didn't realise I'd made. And she went, are you alright? And I was like, yeah. Try and replicate. Was it on first slice? No, it was the third one. Oh, you've been built up. So, like,? No, it was like the third one. Oh, you've been built up. So like the third, I was just like...

So like that, like... That's how to ruin someone's... I hope no one's listening during breakfast. It's the same noise you make on like the first stroke of your shaft when it's erect. You know when she's been tickling your balls but she hasn't touched the shaft yet and then she finally touches your shaft?

No. My wife doesn't touch my dick. She literally, she just... Is it hard? Put it in. Quick as you can. She is literally like an air traffic controller. She's up at the other end

and she basically gives like permission to land. She just, she's up at the other end and she basically gives like permission to land she just she's not ground staff she's like i'm like okay trying to land she's like okay she's like okay you have clearance she's not fucking guiding me in jesus christ it's been four years since i've got my knob touched when she gently plays with your balls and then touches you. If she did that, I'd be like, what are you doing? What are you doing? What's happened? Have you started OnlyFans?

What's happening? Good for you, fella. Just a dominoes, is it? That's all it took. Liverpool won the league. I mean, that was good, but it was too full. What base did you get? Classic crust, normal base.

Yeah. Have you tried the extra thin one? Thin and crispy. No, I don't like it. For some reason, I really like it. No, the classic from Domino's is the perfect size, I think. What toppings? Everyone, I mean, it's not going to be funny, but we need the detail.

It was called the meat fielder. So it's just, it's like, you know on the Meteor? No. The Meteor's the barbecue base one with all the meat. Right. It's's just it's like you know on the meteor no the meteor's the barbecue based one with all the meat right it's that but with

the tomato base okay good so it's bacon ham salami pepperoni and meatballs it's literally

a massacre on a piece of bread innit yeah bacon salami wildebeest fuck

cow pig oh god what uh mate salami wildebeest fuck cow pig oh god what mate it's good it's really good what size do you go for genuinely I know

it's not funny I got a medium and I threw two slices away what do you oh you know what size do you usually go for before you're a little skinny bean

I normally go for the large and polish the whole thing off but you don't have a side you don't have like one of the chickens I'd have wedges alright okay cool oh that's made me hungry I do want another one now I normally go for the large and polish the whole thing off. But you don't have a side? You don't have one of the chickens? All right, okay, cool. Oh, that's made me hungry.

I do want another one now. Have any other sandwiches today? I had one yesterday. A sandwich? No, Domino's. Did you? I just literally had the urge. So we both had a Domino's yesterday?

Yeah, about two o'clock in the afternoon. That means we're Domino's because we match. Oh my God. If you fall, I fall. That was so crap. Right, let's have some adverts. That's been a fucking rollercoaster, that section, hasn't it? Today's episode is brought to you by Let's Be Naughty, Darkhoda UK.

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That's letsbenaughty.co.uk I am no longer driving jade's car as of tomorrow evening you've done well to i mean a save that money and then keep that money and just not be like well i'm i rush all big decisions like that i've got very very very lucky to be honest with you because when my car got wrote off i got a settlement for that um and i had a cut i had like 1200 quid in the bank that i was like that's towards my next car in a and i just put all of that in a savings account which has got next no interest on it because i don't really put anything in it and i was like all of that in a savings account, which has got next to no interest on it because I don't really put anything in it. And I was like, that money doesn't exist.

The only way I'll ever touch that is if I get really financially bad. And just before lockdown started, I was about to buy a car, but I just held back in case things got as bad as they could have got. But it was there. But I got very, very lucky.

I went to Arnold Clark on Sefton Street in Liverpool just to see what they had because I wanted something like a Ford Cougar or a Kia Sportage, which is what I've ended up getting. And I got really lucky that a couple of the staff in there recognised me from stand-up. And the general manager that one of the a couple of the staff in there recognised me from stand up and the general manager was one of them and he

his name was Naz and he's just done me a really really really really good deal shout out to Naz so I had sort of just over three grand

there to put down as a deposit, but I haven't needed anywhere near that much because of what he's done for me. He found a 27-team plate Kia Sportage, so he's only got 30,000 miles on the clock. Nice big safe thing, and I was really panicking. I was like, I don't think I can afford it, even though you've done me an amazing deal.

And the thing I was really nervous about was I'd got an insurance quote for a Kia Sportage that I just found on the internet about a week ago. And then with a black box in it, it was just over two grand for the year. Wow. That's what I was paying on me Ford Fiesta. What? Because I'm a young lad No no claims bonus

Only been driving a couple of years I forget Like It's not your It's not your age really It's more That you've only just been driving a couple of years By 28, 29

It's usually getting a bit easier But yeah If you've only had your licence a couple of years Fucking hell that's a But he told me a couple of tricks He took me through my insurance thing on the computer go on and i was like like i've got my insurance for like 900 quid yeah so that two grand saved that's 200 a month saved it's massive what's the tricks so you can't say it without telling us the tricks oh i'm gonna yeah absolutely that's why i

brought it up so yeah You know when it says, where is your car kept during the day and where is your car kept during the night? Yeah. And you have the options and it says, on your driveway. Yeah. On the streets outside your house.

On the streets away from your house. In a garage. In a whatever. What do you put? driveway that's what I told him to put because we have a driveway outside ours and he went no you don't keep it there

and you shouldn't keep it there even if you do that at the minute and he ticked on a street away from your house and I was like why would anyone ever click that because it looks like you can't keep an eye on it and he said if I'm going to rob you then i would monitor your house what you're up to i know when you're in when you're doing what i just monitor you for two weeks i'm gonna rob a 20 grand car off your fucking driveway like i'd know where you're gonna be and where when and what and

how to do it if your car's not kept right at your home it's a lot harder for people to know when you're in when you're not in blah blah blah blah blah he said so even though everyone in the world parks their car as close to the house as they can what a fucking interesting loop i thought that the the total opposite they'd be like well someone could break in you know because you can't, someone could break in, you know, because you can't, mate, someone can break in anyway. Yeah.

Wow. I used to do a bit about that on stage and I'd be like, I used to do a bit about crime. On the crime street island of Orkney. Where do you live? On the crime street island of Orkney. Where does a car park overnight?

On the road. I've never seen a car parked on a fucking road. Doesn't everyone have an underground nuclear bunker? How many miles do you do a year? Twelve. Twelve a year. Is that it? Is that the one that might make a massive difference?

I mean, everything else that you put in, I put in. What profession are you? Radio presenter. Are you a radio presenter now? That's what this is. Congratulations. That's what this is. There's no podcast there.

No, there's no podcast there for anyone. I tried to get the... This is an online radio show. Yeah, totally. You're absolutely right. I am an online radio presenter. You're listening to Have A Word FM. You can't call me a comedian at the minute.

I haven't fucking done it for four months. I mean, Friday comes around, you're going to be in an outdoor space in Chester, clawing it back, clawing that comedic status back. Cash that, though. No paper sales. Shut the fuck up. Keep that off.

Have a word FM. Yeah, what you do as a job is funny, isn't it? I'm a writer. I'm always writing. I write down loads of stuff. Shopping lists. Nonts. Dates. I write in birthday cards.

I write in the flowers to apologise for what I've said on the podcast to my wife. I'm body positive. I didn't know it meant that. We've got loads of people messaging in about what happened have you got that have you got your phone with you

the girl who messaged in about the pissing dream man I feel it's validated by the people who've got in touch everyone's having that pissing dream everyone's having that pissing dream Adam I didn't read it I just I seen what it was about and just sent it straight to you

thank you James Grant he said I've had the pissing dream that Dan's had but always managed to clear it off the line so he's never pissed the bed with it but the dream of weeing needing a wee and then you wake up needing a wee is real ting so Jessica Bobbins sent to our Instagram and this is the first time i'm reading this

okay so dave i have those dreams where i'll be dreaming a normal dream then all of a sudden it becomes about toilets and we and i'll wake up desperate for the piss oh and also i have shot the bed once i wasn't ready for that you know i've shot the bed once and despite it being seven years ago my husband mentioned it now at least once every few months the cunty bastard i mean let's give your husband the fucking break here if this is what i was saying about fucking johnny depp if you shit the bed then that is it forever that is always that is always admissible evidence in any argument yeah yeah fair enough i was fucking blotted one night and woke up in the morning our holiday cottage we were in The bedroom had mirrored wardrobes

and I looked at them and thought I was in the bathroom. So I shat on the end of the bed. Do you know, it's so weird. Every time we get a message from a girl like this where she's gross, it makes me fancy them in my head. I'm like, Jessica Bobbins. You're a scat lover, aren't you?

No, I'm not. I just love, I love women who are like yeah shat on the end of the bed hang on wait a minute so because there was a mirror in the room

she was like I'm in the bathroom yeah mate so did she think she'd woke up in the bathroom so she's drunk

she's woken up can I say I've done a very similar thing at a mate's house I've got discombobulated. It's when you're drunk and you're out of your zone, you almost go back to like a...

It's almost like you've lost about three quarters of your brain. And I remember thinking that I was... In my house, it must have been slightly different, and I ended up pissing in my mate's... Was it his partner or his housemate in their potted plant? Just fucking, quite well, weed out of it a little bit. But I remembered sort of in the morning, what the fuck? I was like, oh, I genuinely had seen me going to the toilet. Do you know what I mean? Like where I actually was, was wrong. But in my drunken mind, I was like,

no, this is right. I think in her bathroom bathroom at home there's a mirror in front of the you know what i mean like in her bathroom and in a drunken state she's got confused seeing it and going i'm in the bathroom how you still keep shitting on the end of the bed is something else though isn't it like that's got to feel wrong you know when you're pooing and it's like, it doesn't usually feel like it's on the bedsheets. I just don't know why you would ever look in the mirror and go, right, bed, potted plant, bedside table, I must be on the toilet. Are you telling me you've never done any rogue toilet? You've never, in a drunken state, gone, oh, fuck, I misjudged.

Have you never got there? No, I've never in a drunken state gone oh for a misjudge have you never got there no i've never misjudged it i've i've been caught short and shit all over the bathroom yeah that's a different medical issue that yeah yeah but that happens to you sober on a like tuesday afternoon doesn't it i i did a routine about this for a while this is a hundred percent true okay so i just snorted out my nose a bit. Go on. I think it was either my 18th or my 19th birthday. And I come home from town at like 7 o'clock in the morning. Knocked on the door.

No, I let myself in. And my arse sent me brain a text message that said you need a shit and it's coming like now yeah get to the toilet as fast as you can

so this is when I lived with my dad I ran upstairs and as you get to the top of the stairs in my dad's house the toilet is right in front of you i went in i shut the door and then i got a second text slash email from my ass that said this is coming right now school time the amazon echo was flashing brown deal with that how you will and if i was sober i probably would have been like let's just calm down take a second clench yeah it'll all be okay yeah

my dad's bathroom as well the toilet is on like a dog leg right round the bath oh extra distance to where the door is like an l shape yeah like you would walk like a knight in chess to get to the toilet lovely analogy very well done expecting that was yeah that was very well put so what the fuck just happened what the fuck just happened literally last episode I'll fucking rip your mass fucking fanny out next episode

you know you take a left like an L shape you know like a what did you say like a knight in chess

a knight in chess continue your story Adam that dominoes is pulsing that dominoes has done you the world A knight in chess? A knight in chess. Continue your story, Adam. That dominoes has done you the world of cuts. Oh, I'm definitely gluten intolerant, by the way. About 45 minutes after that dominoes yesterday, I had the most explosive shit I've had since I've been dieting.

Anyway, back to this story. I'm not sure that's gluten. After you've eaten and lived really well, if you put a full dominoes in your system, your system's like, the fuck? I thought we changed. So I'm stood at the door.

The door's shut. I've dropped me pants and me ass just goes, this is coming now. You're just going to have to deal with it. And as I say, I probably would have, in a clearer mind, clenched and took me time.

I wish this was not true. Oh, God. I tried to spin me arse and throw the shit into the toilet with the force. You knew you were a yard short, so you tried to aim your bum. I did like a... If we were on camera This would be better Like a handbrake turn

So Right You'd be able to hear me At the shower So I'll point this this way Right So Adam stood up So right

The toilet is where you are About two metres Socially distance But there's a bath here Right Okay yeah So you can't go like a queen on a chessboard. I'd have to go.

Oh, yeah. Like a knight. So what I did was... He's mental. My pants are around my ankles. Oh, God. Right? You've gone that early?

That's a Jackson Pollock move if I've ever seen one. Oh, wow. It's almost like the spinning bird kick from Street Fighter 2, Chun-Li, except it's more... And it wasn't a solid. Oh, no. I know. I just left this, like, crescent moon of shit on the floor.

There he is. It was like an arrow pointing up where I was meant... Oh, God. Like a Ryanair flightair flight just this is where we should have landed this is what we did all i can see is like you know when a rally car goes over gravel and as they go around the corner it all just yeah yeah that's exactly what we're talking about now my first thought i remember it quite clear because it sobers you up a bit when something like this happens my first thought was I'll just clean it up tomorrow.

But I didn't want my dad waking up and just seeing it. So I tried to clean it up, but I still wasn't sober enough to do it in the right way. So I was using like, I had, I seen a towel, and I was like, you don't use a towel. I went and got several tea towels out the kitchen. Oh, God. Kitchen roll roll toilet roll it was a fucking mess

and it stunk and I just made so much noise that I woke my dad up oh no and just watching him come into that bathroom oh god and see me

and just I'm his eldest son and I'm on my hands and knees at seven o'clock in the morning after doing a violent wall poo yeah cleaning my own

excrement off the floor. Yeah, that's why you've got to love your kids. Otherwise, you just... Yeah, if that's a housemate, that's a fucking red card, that, isn't it? Oh, yeah.

God. I wonder when people listen to this. Like, before I said, if you're having your breakfast, no one's doing it. This is not a breakfast pod, is it? Get the kids right. Couple of English muffins.

Butter. Jam. Have a word. Violently sick. Off I go to work. Jilly B. We're still cleaning up some of the issues from Friday's pod. Jill Bushel. Yeah. The anglicised Jilly B.

Big dick energy. Oi oi big boys. Loving the new studio. Looks proper fit. You asked the opinion of us. Jill Bushel Yeah The anglicised Jilly B Big Dick Energy Oi oi big boys Loving the new studio Looks proper fit You asked the opinion Of us Ladies So

This is about big dicks Okay So So what we asked on Friday Was Gales have you ever been Confronted with a Dick that was too big

You're tapping out Before it's even happened What do you mean You're literally like I'm out can't do it i'm not yeah i'm not fighting it so had a guy who boasted the usual i've got a big one thought yeah right started getting a bit passionate and my hands wander holy shit was my first thought my second was i am never gonna be that hungry. But I cracked on.

Good on you, dear Lee B. Spent three weeks in pain from being bruised internally from him pounding parts no one else had with his, estimating, nine-inch penis. And going for a pee

wasn't pleasant for a while. Decided I never needed to see him again. Give me an average-sized one any day. Love that woman. Why? Good.

It's nice. Reaffirming story, that. Reaffirming story. For you. She wants an average size penis, which is 2.8 to 3.4 inches. Based on your household? No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no.

Because everyone rounds up from the nearest four up to six. Oh, yeah, I've got a six-inch dick. 2.5. I think... 2.4 if it's cold. I think she's in the

minority, though. I reckon most women do want a big damaging whopper. Right. Well, luckily you've got it, Adam. I haven't. James Grant. I reckon most women do want a big damaging whopper Right Well luckily you've got it I haven't James Grant Have you ever sat in your own bollocks?

Genuine question Have you ever sat in your own bollocks? I did once when I was in school In those thin as fuck school pants And Jesus fucking Christ I stood up quickly Somehow mentioned it in convo to my missus, and she thinks I'm strange and that I have saggy balls.

She's now convinced that I'm going to have really saggy old man balls later in life. I'm not on my own here, am I, lads? Yes, mate. Have you got saggy balls yet? Mate, I've not got a three-inch dick and massive hanging balls, have I? How awful would that be if god did that to you you can like they do droop when you get older no but that would be so bad if you had just a small dick and then these floppy dumbo ears flapping around your out like your knees my balls are in proportion

small i like my balls when it's cold you know when they just like when they're all tough oh yeah yeah but i do have a bit of a dangle When You know Like at the mini It's like something warm in here so You're relaxed There's a bit of a

Out the bath Like I said Yeah Yeah No I don't Who wants big balls It's not something you want is it I like big balls

And again I don't know Have you What's that thing where you tea bag When you put your balls on a girl's eyes no that's called arabian goggles tea bagging what arabian goggles what's arabian goggles arabian goggles is when you rest your balls on like one ball over each eye oh that would definitely change the start of disney's aladdin wouldn't it arabian goggles tea bagging is when she just opens her mouth and you just dip your tea bag in and

out no no no that's not that's re that's rich tea biscuit in no it isn't no that's biscuit dunking ding ding ding ding ding i was talking Teabagging is like open wide. Whoop. Little drop in. Little drop in. Little drop in. Maybe she gets a bit of tongue action going or whatever. Blah.

Blah, blah. Like on the eyes is called Arabian goggles. What's the pleasure in that? You're lying down. You've got you squatting over. Balls hanging. Blah, blah. What into the mouth?

Blah, blah. Blah, blah. Like, what's that? Into the mouth. Blah, blah. Who's enjoying that? It's just always... It's not. What do you mean, who's enjoying it? What if she just, through instinct... Have a seat back to woman. What if she just instinctly grabs onto a ball and then you pull up?

Blah, blah. Like, oh. What do you mean, grab? Like, bite? Oh, no, like toothless. Oh. Just locks onto a ball. Like a nana bite.

Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the point? Well, just locks onto a ball. Like a nanobite. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What's the point? Oh, they don't do that. I have a teabagged woman.

What? Have you never done it? You've never done it. Of course I have. Who have you teabagged? You've not fucking teabagged anyone Of course I have Jade

Jade doesn't let me do it Good Not Jade I just Do you know what I've done a bit of teabagging in my day Fuck off Mate when

Listen I'm not judging any sexual proclivities If you're into it Into it Stick a finger in there Stick a fucking finger in there. Just grab that, yank that. When you're in the moment.

But it's the logistics of having to stop and be like, baby, you want a teabag? Oh, yeah, daddy. Daddy, I'm a mug of... No, you just get her to lie down. I'm a mug of hot water. With her head hanging over the bed. Yeah.

Like, off the end. So her shoulders are, like, on level with the end of the bed. So that's a right flap, isn't it? Let me just get in position. Get me pillow. It only takes a sec. You just put her there, and then you just... It's like you're picking up a heavy crate.

How big are your balls? What do you mean, picking up a... Oh, you mean you lift with your back. You lift with your legs, not with your back. Why are you getting up so much to visualise this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Good. Imagine if you lost your footing and decapitated your missus with... You just literally lost your balance. How did she break her neck? Nasty teabagging accident. I don't think my balls have got the sort of... I don't think there's enough of them.

I think I could do an Arabian eye patch. I could do one eye. That's called the... That's Arabian goggle. That's the dirty pirate. I'm glad you're Googling it and not me. I'm sick of my fucking Google searches being messed up. You ready?

Are you... Arabian Goggles, noun, plural only. A sexual act of setting testicles in a person's eye sockets. Eye sockets seems like they're dead, doesn't it? That sounds like it's a dead body. Yeah. What's one? What's one eye?

A winky goggle? Oh, nice visual. Nice one. Hope you get some fucking spyware. Right, Adam. Oh, my God. nice one hope you get some fucking spyware right Adam oh my god that is awful why

whose balls are they horse horse the man's can I have a look at that what's happening

can you just screenshot that what's happening that doesn't look but my balls can't do that they couldn't go they couldn't go both balls can't do that They couldn't go They couldn't go both eyes

I could do like a With my penis I could do an Arabian ear plug I could just pop Pop my dick in an ear Dick in the ear Dick in the ear That's not an Arabian ear plug

What's that? Your dick in the ear Why? You're looking at me I'm waiting to see because you've put yourself in a real spot ad lib wise. You've gone,

that's not an Arabian ear plug and then you pause and I'm like, go on Adam, what have you got? No, because it is, I think it's a Taiwanese, Taiwanese earphone or something like that.

You fucking bellend. You fucking bellend. A Taiwanese earphone. What are we doing with our lives? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If anyone is thick enough to get on their Google and type in Taiwanese earphone, you deserve the shit earphones you're getting from Taiwan.

It's not going to involve my dick some fucking apple knockoff oh god you know them you love them it's Vauxhall Comedy Club

in that there London if you're visiting London if you're going down for the weekend take your missus take your fella take them to go and see comedy there's some cracking comedy shows in London some of you're going down for the weekend, take your missus, take your fella, take them to go and see comedy.

There's some cracking comedy shows in London. Some of them, and I've played them, are a little lacking in fucking soul. Vauxhall Comedy Club. This is a comedy club done with love and care and done properly. In a great room with great atmosphere with brilliant comics,

some from the TV, some up-and-coming circuit talent. And the absolute best of it, if you're there for the weekend, is Friday and Saturday night. And down at Vauxhall Comedy Club, they call it Bottomless Booze Comedy. So basically, you pay them an entry fee, with the money for your booze included.

It's 25 quid, it's a 90-minute show, and you also get bottomless booze, wine, beer, cider, 25 quid. There's also a spirit and mix of bottomless ticket, that starts at £35, and if you're a purist, you're staying sober, you're fucking ziving, the ticket's just a tenner. Once we're done with the rona and back to normal trading, Vauxhall Comedy Club is usually open Monday to Saturday. It's right next to a street food garden. And between now and then, do us a favour and have a word

and follow the Vauxhall Comedy Club online. You can join their mailing list. It's at Vauxhall Comedy Club on Insta, at Vauxhall Comedy on Twitter and Vauxhall Comedy Club on Facebook. It's an over-18 night out. And you never know, come the autumn, you might see me and Adam there. From Texas to Skem, every lead is listening to the funniest podcast in the game.

This is Have A Word. Going to do a Would You Rather in the Have A Word section. And then maybe we'll do a Have A Word as well. You're fucking mental. Why? I don't know. You're just cray-cray. It I don't know. It's cray cray. It is a good one.

It's from Daniel Pugh. I'll tell you what the fucking Pugh's turn up. Daniel. Danny, Danny Pugh. Danny Pugh. Who's the mouse? Danny, Danny Pugh.

Who's mouse? Mouse a million. Mouse a million. His commitment to trying to forward this pod and grow this pod is unbelievable. I've got like so many notifications

of him every every time someone anywhere on twitter goes looking for a podcast he's like mate have a word mate he is it's like he's my fucking brother or something like we have got some we we've got about 3 000 regular listeners there's 4 000 in total there's about three thousand who listen to most episodes eventually there's two thousand who listen to every episode within a week but there's a thousand of them that within 24 hours it's fucking downloaded and they've listened to it and they we love them all don't get me. But those thousand are such avid fucking fans. Hardcore. We love them.

We can't be overstated. We just got bored of telling yous because... Yeah. I think at times people get to the point where they're like, we get it. You appreciate what we're doing. Fucking just be funny. Yeah, just keep doing it.

But there's the hardcore and they know who they are. They're emailing in. They're doing notifications. They're tweeting on it. But there's the hardcore, and they know who they are. They're emailing in. They're doing notifications. They're tweeting on it. They're telling people. They're giving us the content. And Daniel Pugh is one of them. Dear Jeffrey and Ghislaine.

I can't say. I know she's getting... Ghislaine. Is it Ghislaine? Ghislaine Maxwell, yeah. Ghislaine. Ghislaine. Yeah.

Ghislaine. Dear Jeffrey and Ghislaine. She's quite Maxwell, yeah. Ghislaine. Ghislaine. Yeah. Ghislaine. Dear Geoffrey and Ghislaine. She's quite fit, though, isn't she? I know she's basically, you know, a lady nonce. Basically a lady nonce. She's a full-blown child pedophile. A child pedophile. No, but she's like...

No, she's more like the pedophile's agent, isn't she? No. No, she booked him. No. She didn't touch him him what are you on about i've not read the story do you think you can be that involved in a fucking thing no you can be a FBI are gonna fucking delete this episode by the way well they're gonna have to sit through some shite to get to this bit aren't they like okay um we're listening to the episode and uh uh what's arabian anyway um do you know like how everyone involved in stand-up

yeah wanted to be a stand-up like people who review comedy yes are nonsense oh so our comed well yeah but they're comedians who realize they weren't good enough to be comedians and there's people who uh photographers in who were only photograph comedians who really want would rather be a comedian than a photographer promoters promoters who would really want to be a comedian a lot of them are comedians who did it for a year started running a gig and was like, I am better at selling tickets for other people than myself. I'll tell you what, though, I compare this really well.

And the guy who books it agrees. Oh, I am the guy who books it. Exactly. She's the same thing. Right, okay. She wanted to be the top paedophile, but she wasn't as good at fucking kids as whatever. I don't think you've read the story either.

I haven't read all of it. I've got the gist. I get the gist. Jeffrey Epstein was a full-blown nonce, and she was his number two, and there's no way you get to be number two without getting involved. Yeah.

If you're Jimmy Savile's agent, even if you didn't do it, you still fucking gave him the travel arrangements to get to the hospital, didn't you? It's kind of on you. Do you know when you said, even if you didn't do it you still fucking gave him the travel arrangements to get to the hospital didn't you it's kind of on you do you know when you said even if you didn't do it I nearly made a pun that doesn't make sense ok good

I nearly went Jim will do it for you but it's Jim will fix it isn't it I mean to get the gold that we do get you've got to fucking mine. You've got to get in there. Not all of it is precious metal. Right.

Daniel Pugh says... Sorry, just because it's on topic and I can't wait for Carl to come back and verify this. A few years ago, me and Carl went on a night out and it got to about midnight. Donnie went out for a couple of hours, right? And we were like, should we just get a chinese and go home and there's a chinese live pool called the mayflower it's open till like four o'clock in the morning it's really really nice and we went in but we were a bit drunk and you know when you just mispronounce something or you say the wrong

word and because we were drunk i swear to god i'm struggling to not burst out laughing right now because of how funny it was so um carl said something um i wanted to make a reference to engelbert humperdinck. And I can't remember why. Right. But I just went, Rigabert. And he went, What?

Because, like, it was so obvious whatever he said, it was about to be, I was going to say Englebert Humperdinck. And I know this sounds so convoluted, but what I should have gone is Englebert. And he went,

and he just gone, Yeah. But I went, Rigabert. And he went but I went Rigabert and he went Rigabert song you used to play for Arsenal and I went no Rigabert Humperdinck right but I said it with such confidence

the look that Carl gave me back it took about 2.6 seconds for me to realize what I'd done, from it leaving my mouth, to seeing it reflect, my words reflecting his eyes back at me, and then, literally, and I can't, like, this sounds like hyperbole, from the second I realized what I'd done, we sat we were only on our soups we had a starter each

we had a full Chinese main meal and we got a taxi home which took like 20 minutes to get us home we had to wait 10-15 minutes for it talking a full hour I did not stop crying laughing for more than 10 seconds at any point tears streaming down my face.

I'd have like a bit of a chicken wink and then have to put it down and carry on laughing. It was fucking insane. Rigabert Humperdinck. Rigabert Humperdinck. But it was the confidence with which I had because I looked at him like he was a dickhead for not getting the reference.

You know who I mean. Rigabert Humperdinck. Rigabert Humperdinck sounds like a Dickens character. Like a really unknown... Or a euphemism for a penis. Fucking hell. Get your fucking Rigor Bears out, lads. Humperdinck.

And then slap it in me fucking face. Why? A Malaysian wind charm. You can basically say any nationality and then a random object and it sounds like a euphemism for some made-up sex what you've never had a malaysian fucking wind what you've never had a danish fire extinguisher fucking hell you want to try one of them lad lad? Have you ever, like, used your balls to tickle someone's arsehole? Go on, what's that?

A Russian feather duster. This is our job. Oh, God. Dear, whatever. Jeff, would you, is that, who's that? You. Oh, that's me. Jeff, would you rather, always done, would you rather each,

this is why I liked it. Would you rather attend one Super Bowl match in the future of your choosing? Okay, I'd like this future. Or see Watford qualify for the Champions League and you can attend all the games they play. Well, you're going to Super Bowl, aren't you? 100%. Yeah.

100% I'm going to. I know we don't talk sport a lot and that's on purpose and you want to do a podcast about football and NFL. I'm thinking about it. I'm definitely going to do like an NFL podcast in the future, which is just going to be i want to do more podcasting we cannot do another podcast where it's just mates talking nonsense because there'll be so much like and i said that and have a word so we if we do another one it's got it

you've got to specialize and then we've got to do something slightly different and to be fair if you do one about nfl and football and i just do an nfl whatever it's going to help that you're doing that and we can do each other's and whatever so we don't talk about sport just so people are like oh i'm not bothered about it but i think we've held back enough haven't we in fucking 70 80 episodes i am so much more nfl than i am football and although i do care about Watford, I've been supporting them unlikely as it is since I was about 10, 11 years old.

I find it really hard to enjoy the game as much because I've watched so much NFL. But just yesterday, or this morning, yesterday, Watford sacked their manager for the third time this season. And it makes me go, why am I it makes me go why am i meant to care why am i meant to care if you run a company like that you'd be like test your loyalty as a football fan stuff like that on it there's no player in that squad that's from anywhere fucking near watford it's got anything to do with the youth team i'm trying to think of one player the owners

are italian they've had three managers this season it's run like a company and quite aggressive like a fucking aggressive company at that and you just get the end you're like yeah maybe they'll stay up maybe they won't i'd like them to but if they don't i feel completely disenfranchised and then you watch the nfl and they've got their own issues as well because it's new to me so much more fair like how the the wages are distributed i'm so much more nfl yeah it's quite interesting in the nfl in it that like if you're the worst team in the nfl the chances are in two years you might be one of the best ones that doesn't happen in european football that turnaround it'll be fucking a miracle if sparta prague were in the

Champions League final in three years but I mean Sparta Prague is still one of the best teams in Russia aren't they so

well no they're in they're not in Russia are they sorry sorry who do I think who am I thinking oh Sparta Moscow Sparta Prague

are French moron I I love it how it does that. Like when I first got into it, the Kansas City Chiefs had lost nearly every game.

They got the first overall pick and now like eight years later, they are the best team in the whole thing. Like that kind of turnaround is exciting, but it's just a bit more, you draft your players

and most of them stick around. I know there's a bit more movement. So yeah, I just, maybe that's me getting older that I'm like, I'm seeing it as a business. And I've also been watching it for 30 years and that's where there's a bit of wear and tear with that. So I would go Superbowl and if the gnarling saints were there, fuck me.

I'd love to go to a Superbowl. Did I tell you I nearly got to go to a game? Yeah, you did. And I got so fucking jealous. Of all the things you've done in your career, I've been like, oh, amazing. Bill Burr, fucking brilliant, good for you. When you went, I'm going to get paid for to go to a Saints,

was it a Saints match? It was at the Saints ground when they played the Philadelphia Eagles. That didn't sit well with me. I was like, good for you, pal. In the NFL playoffs, I nearly got to go for Sport Bible, the Lab Bible's sports arm.

I think it was them anyway. Fucking beat them. You did beat them, yeah. And there was a disagreement between the NFL and Sport Bible on when the video we were going to make went out. So the NFL were like, put that out three days after the match.

So they wanted me to do a piece about tailgate parties, which for anyone uninitiated. Whereas like, if you're going to a big football match, pre-game, you go to a pub around the corner from the ground, don't you? If you're going to Anfield, you go to the Arcles or you go to a pub around the corner from the ground don't you if you're going to

Anfield you go to the Arcles or you go to Sandon or somewhere in town you go for a few pre-match pints in America at these big

NFL games they literally pull up in car parks and they've got beers in the boot of the car they've got like

their own like disposable or like movable barbecues and they'll make like their own burgers and stuff and it's like a little car park party it's like a house party that you do in a car park out of the fucking boot of your car and they wanted a piece doing on that and the nfl were paying for it because they're trying to get more and more british people interested in the nfl Yep. And what had happened was,

a few months before, there was a guy, I think his name's Neil, and at the time he worked for Bleacher Report, and they'd done a piece on Liverpool's relationship with the European club. It was just before we played Paris Saint-Germain at Anfield, and he got in touch with me because he'd been told I was a local comedian

who was a big Liverpool fan, and he asked me to get a couple of other comedians together, we met at Hot Water, and we did a video, for Bleacher Report, just talking about footy, and then I also took him around a few places around the city, took him to like one of the best Liverpool,

football pubs, took him to the ground, spoke about the Shankly statue, all sorts, and, the Shankly statue, all sorts. And it was great fun. And then a few months later, I'd mentioned that day that I was into the NFL. And because the guy who was hosting it for Bleacher Report, which is an American company, was an American guy who was,

I think he's a former NFL player. I'll get his name in a minute. You'll know who he is. Right. And he now does a bit of sports presenting. And, and yeah he got in touch with me and he was like we want a sort of within our budget UK name who

people of Lab Babble already know and you've had a few clips shared there do you want to come out we would be going in three days time to New Orleans all your flights will be paid for all your expenses paid for and uh that that's all they offered initially and i was like look i'm gonna have to cancel like 1200 kids worth of gigs to be away for eight days yeah and he was like well what we'll do is we can't pay you any more than that but we will match what you will lose

like show us the gigs you've got in but we will match what you will lose. Like, show us the gigs you've got in and we'll match that. And I went, okay, cool. Phoning around promoters. Mate, could you just book me in for a £1,000 corporate real quick? I was very lucky that I had Hot Water booked in. So I spoke to them and I was like, look, this is a big opportunity. I was going to be on the pitch.

Like, literally on the pitch with the press and stuff. Nice. And I was like, yeah. And then they were back and forth, back and forth. And the NFL said, we want this to go out a couple of days after the match. And Sportbible were like, look, the only day of the year the majority of the UK give a shit about the NFL is is the superbowl there's so much stuff about the superbowl we can get this a few million views if we put it out on superbowl day like two or three weeks later yeah and the nfl were like no one is going to care it was the

first round of the playoffs i think or it was like after the wild card round maybe yeah yeah it was um and the nfl were like it's not gonna make any sense you're gonna be talking about a game that was three weeks ago and sport bible were essentially like well we're not putting videos on our page that we know is not going to get views the sport bible were right though because you're trying to get the new fan and they if they're like oh yeah superbowl they don't give a shit if it's a divisional round game they just if the video's about tailgating and about a british guy like oh this is fucking different doesn't matter i can see that i can see the argument of like just can we put it out when everyone's thinking nfl i totally get that but i don't understand why if the nfl were paying for it why do you give a shit

give three of your members of staff a trip to new orleans just and what they said to me was we know over the next couple of years we're gonna have to negotiate with the nfl more because they're wanting to do more over here and we're the biggest sports page in the country and if we buckled on the first negotiation with them then we'll be seen as pushovers forever that's why they said no because you yeah because in theory you'd be like is it we'll just make something do you know what i mean even if you think it's not going to get views but if they if they're treating it as like a tactic well adam that is good as much as like i was jealous when you told me i was like it's a shame you didn't get to do that because that would have been amazing the superdome in new orleans has got a very special relationship from what i've read i've never experienced it

but being a saints fan because of what happened with katrina because new orleans was decimated and because of what that team achieved within three or four years of Katrina they won the Super Bowl after being like dog shit for most of the like the 20th century

and then Sean Payton and Drew Brees they've just got such a special and we have been good now for like four years got close

I think the atmosphere would have been unreal yeah maybe one day my friend maybe one day we'll be there i'm 40 next year and i'm seriously thinking about getting the credit card out and going to nola and watching some games and my birthday's in march and the season starts in september i would delay my birthday that's how that's going new orleans is also meant to be one of the best like drinking cities in the world.

You get to drink on the street and stuff. Have you seen Hannibal Buress' routine about you can have your own parade on a day's notice? Have you not seen it? I'll send you the link after this. It's on one of his specials. And I'm sure this clip will be on YouTube as well. And if not, I'll find the special it's on.

Put it on the Twitter. Yeah, people love being able to find it. Hannibal Buress, I think, is a fucking brilliant comic. He's really quite underrated, I think. I think he's better than his profile is. But his routine about... Basically, you can drink on the streets in New Orleans. And if you want, you can ask the police to chaperone

you you pay for it but they'll chaperone you and your your mates as you walk through the streets of new orleans having a drink he's like so basically for a hundred dollars in new orleans you can have your own parade on a day's notice they have a guy who helps you plan the route where you're gonna walk where you're gonna go it's it's really fucking good yeah i've had friends that have been to new orleans and they're like is it bourbon street or yeah and they're like it's amazing great fun don't wander two streets off it's one of them yeah it's a lot of fun here and if you go down there but then don't go down there and then there that's not good uh hello i'm from cheshire you're dear motherfucker now you're gonna love that hannibal barresa scene it's really i need to get into hannibal barresa

can i have a jack and coke to go yeah this place sucks he was He was in Edinburgh in 2014 when I was there and I was wearing glasses and a cap and we were in one of the outdoor bars and Hannibal Buress was behind me just bored, killing time and he had a cap and glasses on and we're basically, at the time we were almost the same build

and virtually had the same shit on and I can't remember who we were. It's like someone like Pete Otway or Brennan Rees just went, look Dan, it's black you behind you. And I basically, with Hannibal Buress about 10 years, before he got famous, no one would have known who he was. It's about five yards behind him. And I started looking in the same direction.

I've got a photo, I probably don't have it anymore, of me doing an impression of Hannibal Buress behind me looking at a poster. I really like it. He's the one that broke the Cosby story as well, isn't he? By doing a joke about Bill Cosby being a fucking rapist. Pretty much.

He got in trouble for it, yeah. Amongst Cosbyites, yeah. But he started the ball rolling on everything. He basically, he was the first one to publicize what what privately a lot of people knew that basically cosby was a wrong gun and he sort of did a joke about like you know because everyone knows he's a wrong and everyone's like what josh did with jimmy savel yeah josh would have come broke the the jimmy savel story yeah did he yeah all right cool

what's the one you rather The Jimmy Savile story, yeah. Did he? Yeah. All right, cool. What's the would you rather? Do you know what I was trying to do in my head? I was trying to do a bit like a Zimbabwean hovercraft. I was desperately trying to make some fucking terrible euphemism and it didn't work. Big G. Not sure you, man. Would you rather,

as a comic, smash America, get a few Netflix specials, however, Liverpool FC get relegated to the championship and stay there for a few years, or

would you rather stay at the level of comic you are now, the pod stays as it is now, but Liverpool carry on competing for Premier Leagues and Champions Leagues Daniel Pugh nasty bitch

what's that mean but I do enjoy it because he's really put he's really put you on a I'll tell you before Adam answers you put him on a spot there because he gives a fuck

about a lot of those things and also a lot of people are like fully supportive of the pod and his career but there's also a lot of die hard reds going yeah adam what the fuck would you rather do i think i need till friday to think about this really because right i think if liverpool went to the championship for a few years but then they came back because it doesn't say they stay there forever few years let's let's give an estimate it's three years in the championship for a few years but then they came back because it doesn't say they stayed there forever

few years let's give an estimate it's three years in the championship I mean whoever fucks those seasons up like

if you Liverpool get relegated and you get put in charge and you can't get them up that first season and then the next knobhead can't get you up those names will go down

in Liverpool infamy do you remember when we got Allardyce and he couldn't get it up. Those names will go down in Liverpool infamy. Do you remember when we got Allardyce and he couldn't get it out of the fucking championship? I think I'd stay where I am and let Liverpool win everything. Oh, fuck off, you couch nonce.

What? Come on. Liverpool will be alright. You'll go down. Lose. You know, it'd be good. It'd be good for you. Look will be alright. You'll go down. Lose. You know, it'd be good. It'd be good for you. Look at Man City.

They were in the third tier for a while. With the shitty counter kick. I don't want to ever model Liverpool's future on Manchester City. No, right. But it'd be good though, wouldn't it? If you just went down for some random fucking reason. Hey, big fuck. The fixtures are out

hey when's Wickham away fuck Wickham away we'll do that as long as Liverpool come back up and can then challenge again at the top

of the Premier League and the Champions League in a few years I'd probably sell us down the river for a few Netflix specials and massive tours like

Netflix mate come on Adam my career is what it is you my friend I want you on Netflix I'll be there fucking

tapping you on the arse as you walk out yeah night 71 okay hi Adam it's Netflix we've just got we've just got a few suggestions from

we've just got the email through from yourself and your agent he's saying the bit the special you want to do and obviously this is going out in America and all around the special you want to do and obviously this is going out in america and all around the world you want to where do you want to film it in run run corn run corn could you tell me a little about

run corn it is a shithole with the ugliest people in the world so it's a bit like la it's the opposite of LA, isn't it? Runcorn is as far away from LA as any other place in the developed world. Yeah. Yeah. Runcorn's probably a lot more like a lot of places in America.

You know what I mean? Like, bumfuck Alabama. Because that's what I hear in the Asda in Runcorn. Runcorn. Alabama. Because that's what I hear in the Asda in Runcorn. Adam, this episode's

already epic. Are we ending on a fart? I hope the mic didn't pick it up. You literally just did Pilates then. It was like you were fucking at the Royal Ballet and you cocked your leg like a theatrical dog. Char.

Char. Nasty bitch. This is the great thing about social distancing. Can't smell your farts. Ah! Shall we just call that a pod? Because we've done bear time, mate.

Or do you want to just fucking slide in and have a word? What do you want to do? Mate, I think that's a pod. End on a fart. That's what your ma did. Oh.

I want an honourable thing to say. You might have as well because when you die You release all your gases Don't you Shut up man Like a bishop On a chessboard

Quendo Have you got a song Today's song is By The Defects of the Dock No Defects of the Dock It's called

Something New Featuring Doc Teej Got a bit more hip hop. This is Welsh hip hop. I am skeptical. Your face then. Your face like, I think we're going to work our way around the country. And I'm really looking.

Have you heard about that? I Love Man's got some really bad grime. Have you heard Shetland hip-hop? Lonely. I am so lonely. Waka waka wa. That was a strong way to follow a fart. Defects of the Dock, something new.

Absolute tune, this one. And a great way to close out the show. Please go and subscribe to our YouTube channel. We need to hit 1,000 subscribers to get some professional benefits from YouTube, including being able to upload the amount of videos we're going to need to. We need 1,000 subscribers.

We're on 500 and odd, which is great because we don't really put anything on there at the minute. Even if you're not a regular YouTuber just do us a solid just go and do it I know we've been using the African lady and we've been mentioning it but we're about to start putting up some really long 4k interviews

with famous comedians if we're at 1000 subscribers there's so many benefits from youtube if you are a supporter of this pod like so many people are do us a favor just log into your youtube and subscribe to uh youtube.com slash have a word pod it's going to help us get the ball rolling with the youtube stuff and if you are on patreon we'll see you on wednesday on wednesday we are going to ask our Patreons on the episode for some questions for our future guests

and some would-you-rathers and whatever. We're going to ask you for our... We want to know if there's any would-you-rathers that you remember from the past few months of these episodes, from the very start, that you want us to now ask our guests. Let us know if... It'd be nice to have a few in the bag, wouldn't it? Yeah.

I think for some guests, it would be nice to have a few things to throw at them. I really think a few of those acting classes are really... Really funny. Yeah. And if you are a Patreon on Wednesday, I will reveal two, three, or four of our confirmed guests who are patrons on Wednesday.

Fucking dick teaser. It's a dick teaser, isn't it? So, yeah, you'll get to know a few weeks in advance who we've got coming up. Some of these guests are quite fucking amazing. We've pulled in a few favours. It's going to be very, very cool once we start having some guests in. But now I get to say that I was the first

person to fart on this couch. Well, it's actually you've christened it in a way, haven't you? Well, it's second hand actually, so probably don't.

Oh God, yeah. Do you think someone's been fingered on this? Oh, well, it's a bad Felicia. Bad Felicia.

Defects of the Dock, something new. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace.

Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace.

Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace.

Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace.

Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace.

Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace.

Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace.

Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace.

Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace.

Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace.. Peace. P.E. P.E. P.E. P.E. P.E. P.E. P. E. P. E. P. E. P. E. P. E. P. E Bring a little something new to the table Make a fable reality, stable happiness Changing fate through analogies Take your name, no rush to let the hammer free Busting down on any rhythm with a melody Part of keeping up our sanity, I'm telling you You're telling me to stop that same mentality I'll never see People seem to only see a profit See a chance to launch a life up Forge out a path being taught the right stuff

Unstuck from the bog, it's time we caught the flight up Touch the skyline, living life Fuck the dark matter, a man tarnished, parked in the back, we hardened From max to can be pardoned, smash Any barrier guarding, preventing us from entering our Canada's gardens A dream, that's all we want to achieve Rock for the top as we bop through the scene Hip-hop got me locked to a team now

So no time like the present, hot shot got to spin Come and run with this chunk of elite See how we flee, shutting clubs with the beats T-double-E-J, doc, for the replay, what doc T's got the heat? Dudes paid in drips and drabs, been here tit-for-tat, chatting shit to shit my crap But now I'm back and I'm better than ever with it, packing all the words when I'm bringing a set of lyrics Every time I'm spilling the ink, something new starts twisting, I'm thinking Every idea take the shine bright and the sparks fly high with ya

Every corner, new opportunities, don't miss them all yeah Every idea take the shine bright and the sparks fly high with ya Every corner new opportunities don't miss them all yeah New page new leaf new way for weed to speak time to shape the place with Something new something different something with a big red dragon I'm thinking Somebody from Pemex should attack it to kick this Not the toughest of them all but still have a grab when I get a chance Leather past or at least the grip it had on me But now I shoot for the stars to the sea We're a land ship far from apathy

Part from the masses Take advantage of this moon boot Gravity toot-toots on the zoo Then catch me cruising so happily Crew boot through the hatch Zoom, zoom through the galaxy A marvel capped in a heart No fallacy

Two moves and humanity Tactical bars go bang when you plant them Under the cover duck Run for your mother It's hip-hop's answer to opera's phantom Yes, we're banging it Brought the lead, now we're dropping the hammering All fretted, the happening's bang with it, something new from Wales, can you hang with it? Every time I'm spilling the ink, something new starts twisting, I'm thinking

Every idea take the shine bright, till the sparks fly high with you Every corner, new opportunities, don't miss them all yeah New page, new leaf, new way for we to speak time to shake the place with Every time I'm spilling the ink something new starts twisting I'm thinking Every idea take the shine bright till the sparks fly high with ya Every corner, new opportunities, don't miss them all yeah New page, new leaf, new way for we to speak time to shake the place with