Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #76 with Paul Smith - IN STUDIO - Have A Word w/ Adam & Dan

Episode Date: July 24, 2020

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Oh, jeez. Show me muscle again. Oh, Hercules, Hercules. Oh, you think darkness is your ally? Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? Don't chat to me! I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station.

Disgusting! Follow us on social media at Have A Word Pod. And don't forget to watch our very funny podcast videos on YouTube. You can subscribe at youtube.com forward slash haveawordpod. They go by Alan and Dave, Aaron and Dean, Grandad and the Yeti, or even Chanel and Denise. Have a word. It's time to talk some shit with Adam and Dan. It's time to talk some shit with Adam and Dan. Welcome to the first ever Have A Weird Podcast where we're letting some other cunt come on and try and be as funny as us.

Yeah. I mean, someone's going to have to play the straight man at some point, aren't they? There can't be three fucking bellends doing shtick. That looked like you were doing an advert for Iron Brew. Tell you what, since Adam's been full episodes on YouTube, he's gone very commercial. Have you got a secret sponsorship that you're not

telling me about? Actually, I don't know whether we'll be allowed to have that on camera. Really? Yeah. I mean, Elmhurst Spring as the zone water, I think we'll be okay with. If anything sums up where we are in our respective careers

you getting sponsored by Iron Brew Extra which is a fairly cool I know it's a British company but it's pretty cool it's also the colours of the podcast it's the colours of the podcast

and then I'm sponsored by as the zone still natural water bottled at Elmhurst Spring wicked that's how my career feels it feels like as their own bottled at Elmhurst Spring. Work it. That's how my career feels. It feels like Asda Rhone.

Like, I'll do a job, but you'd be pissed off if you got it for Christmas. It's like a hamper. Asda hamper. No frills. You're not Rice Krispies, you're Crispy Rice. Oh, God. I love those knock-off... Choco Flakes.

Love those knock-off fucking brands. They're quality, aren't they? Like when you go on holiday in Tenerife and they've got all the fucking Bacardi, Smirnoff, Malibu, and you're like, can I have, like, whatever, double vodka? And they're like, yeah, you can. Shmelnikov comes out from under the thing. You're like, eh, I feel like I've been lied to by your shelves.

Bermuda. I mean, coconut drink. Me and Jay went to Crete in September last year, post-Edinburgh Festival. It's very nice Crete, isn't it? No. It's hot, and our hotel was nice, but in general, Crete looks like someone

set a part of Greece on fire and didn't stay around to see what fucking damage they'd done. I think historically that has literally happened to Crete. They've been shot on quite a few times. Most recently by the fucking Germans who treated them like shit. We went on holiday in Crete and we went to a bakery up in the hills, got a car, drove into the hills.

Not a touristy spot, little village, beautiful, young German family in front of us getting served in the there's an accent coming here isn't it yeah no well no they didn't they were trying to speak english they just wanted some rolls and i like i this must have been eggy because i was like eight or nine years old at the time and i fucking noticed it i must have only been like 10 the woman serving them was like if you could like if you could shit in a role discreetly like under the couch she definitely would have and the they were only a young couple they had a small child and it was so awkward and just as they were leaving you were like oh that she was like yeah brother brother

yeah yeah thank you like could nothing more could have said fuck off from my shop. And then as soon as we went, can we have some bread in our English accent? They were like, English! It was like fucking free rolls, a croissant being thrown in. Why do you think they hated Germans? Because the Nazis occupied Crete in like the Second World War and were fucking tyrants. Like, just dreadful. That's really in like the Second World War and were fucking tyrants. Like, just dreadful.

That's really not like the Nazis. They normally really tidy and neat and look after everyone. Hey guys, welcome. I know we have taken to Ireland. There's a lot of bad things being said about us, but we're fairly friendly. And we will organise the leisure centres

and there will be soft play for everybody. Unless you're a Jew. Okay. But yeah, we got this amazing level of service. And the German family was still in the shop. And I remember as a kid being like, dude, don't make it so awkward. Let them at least leave before you lick our arses.

You know your country's fucked up in the past if British people behind you are welcomed do you know what i mean like british people have such a shit reputation all over the fucking world and there's like two or three countries where they're like you're more of a cunt than the british yeah and i i think as well i love germans i think germans are quite sound i think they're sort of like they are over correcting do you know what i mean i don't even they are so like us genetically as well like the ang we're basically anglo-saxons aren't we we've we're a germanic people you know when you look at like nationalities at the world cup and you and you sort of look at the french

and they look a little bit gallic and the spaniards are very sort of you can tell that sort of the genealogy is different and then you look at at Germans and you're like, that German team could definitely be the English team. Like it's because we are very similar and you meet Germans and they're well sound, but then in certain places in the world, you're like, Oh God, Germans are doing what like I do when I've got too pissed and Jade's pissed

off with me. You know, like the next day when I've been a fucking nightmare, I've come in, I've had like a block of cheese straight from the fridge. I've opened 12 packs of crisps and finished half of them,

left them all over the place. I've shit all over the bathroom. I've scared the dog. And the next day she's like, you're a dickhead. So like for that week, you're like on probation and you have to like get her flowers,

you do all the dishes all the domestic stuff I have to take care of fucking everything I tidy everything I do all the cleaning up that's what Germany

have had to still do since like the world was for 70 years let's start a union we will give a lot of money to it and the union will be between me and you

and we'll do a lot of cleaning of the shit in the bathroom and we'll make friends with everybody and we promise never to shit in the bathroom and we'll make friends with everybody and we promise never to shit in the bathroom again. Germany shagged all our sisters

and is forever a sound of boring. Holy shit. I love going on holiday in places where they're not used to British people. Like, I've been, we've been to Italy once and you just sort of expect people

to be like, oh, God, fucking English tourists. But that only happens in basically Spain, Portugal, Turkey, Greece, where they're fucking useless. If you're in the Italian hills, they're like, oh, you're English. And it's the weirdest feeling to be like, we are English. Are they taking a piss? Isn't it weird?

It's just because they've never had loads of tourists from there. How, like, English, if you call someone, he's English. It sounds quite sort of posh and almost royal but british is just the opposite in it does it we hate the british the english they do tea they have nannies and tea cozies i uh i think it's really when you're gigging in scotland or w Wales and you say, this country, or you know what we're like, the British. You can feel the crabbing like...

I made that mistake at one of my gigs. The English sounds nice, but we've pissed so many people off. The Glasgow tour date, when I was like in this country and I went, and I'm talking about Britain, not Scotland, and I got a boo and I was like, look, we gave you the chance to fucking leave

and you said, no, shut up, you're ours forever. And you could feel like, it got a laugh, but I was like, look, we gave you the chance to fucking leave. And you said, no, shut up, you're ours forever. And you could feel, like, it got a laugh. But there was people in the room like, I'm going to fucking stab this cunt in the fucking neck. Mate, Glasgow are basically, gigging in Glasgow is like being a German in a bread shop in Crete sometimes. They're like, oh, is that? Especially when they've had fucking old

Tommy Glasgow on before you're like what the fuck what's it like in G12 LFU LFU

what the fuck was that was that a Glasgow region postcard yeah that's what I was doing

G12 G12 LFU oh that streets really especially numbers 12 to 26 rough cunts

around there oh a bit of local oh the old local anyway went on holiday to Crete with James good point

that was my fault that was my fault and that happens a lot doesn't it that really happens a lot but the massive spiral

because if you've got two knobheads with ADD you're trying to do Glaswegian postcodes and i'm trying to do like the nazi occupation of crete and you're just like i just had a story about a holiday dan look at you trying to get your fucking iron brew sponsor in yeah if you're if you're ever in g12 lfu fucking iron brew extra. Can you really feel the flavour in that, Adam? And if you're ever on a fucking council estate in Roncorn,

try Asda's... Elmhurst Spring. Oh, I can taste the tap. Elmhurst Spring, mate. We've managed to get the flavor of a mug into the water oh we wait when how was your holiday have you ever been on holiday in crete yeah just once we nearly got killed by six dogs and it was when you mentioned before like the shit ale like i was drinking from breakfast i was drinking just beer from breakfast until I went to sleep

every day and not one day did I even get tipsy not even like a little bit just not at all and it was a nice hotel as well like when you know when you do that like the airport drop-off route you transfer right me and Jade thought for a minute we'd booked a really bad holiday because we're driving from the airport through Crete and we're stopping at these hotels going, oh, my God, look at the fucking state of this place. This is terrifying. Like, there was, like, smack heads and everything outside the hotels

and, like, stray dogs and shit. Hang on. Cretan smack heads? Yeah. Or British smack heads? No, Cretan. How well is the UK doing? They're like, right.

We're doing package orders for smack. we'll pick you up near the bins it was terrifying we were like this is not a holiday resort and then we pulled up at this hotel and we were like oh my god this is a good one isn't it like you'd be lucky if you'd book this and they went uh roe and laycock i mean they were like because we hadn't like overly researched that we booked it like the the week before yeah and very nice hotel four star cheap as fuck because crete on its ass um what a great way what a really aggressive competitive way to book holiday where have you booked your holiday this year well we've got a full fucking all inclusive 210 quid

and fucking Mozambique mate and that's not a euphemism we're literally going to Mozambique we're in the royal palace

it's fucking quality it was like 350 quid each for a week all inclusive at a four star hotel

what yeah 350 hang on 350 quid for a week all inclusive at a four star hotel what? yeah 350 hang on 350 quid all inclusive four stars right

you're still celebrating it what's wrong why are you surprised by that that just sounds a good deal it's suspiciously cheap exactly it's one of them

online where you'd be like no I don't trust that sonata sonata screen sonata, screen, sonata. What you want to do, you book your holidays where there's fucking economic depression because they are fucking throwing the ale at you. Oh, my God.

It's the most depressing way to spend your holiday. Yeah, we stayed in the hotel, you know, on the property because if you went on the streets, there's children crying, there's beggars. There was a bit of gunfire, but, you know, on the property, because if you went on the streets, there's children crying, there's beggars, there was a bit of gunfire, but, you know, 350 quid all in. Not one day did I get pissed, and I said to the bartender,

what's the percentage volume on these beers? And he goes, oh, like Carling. What? He goes, same as Carling, or very similar. And I was like, you haven't got a fucking clue, have you? This is 1% alcohol. This is Ben Shaw's shandy that you fucking put in your taps.

Shandy, boss. What did you actually find out what percentage it was? No. Isn't that kind of good, though? If you're going to drink from breakfast to, like, supper, if you're literally brushing your teeth with the fucking house lager, isn't it good that it just ticks you over? Otherwise, you're going to be fucking mullered

by, like, quarter past one in the afternoon. No. First of all, that's what you're going on holiday for. No, but, I mean, I like getting drunk, but it's not a fucking... Like, if you're in an all package holiday like all inclusive you're there for a week with your missus

but I didn't you don't want to be like trying to fight I didn't even get tipsy it gave me no high oh right so it was like just drinking pint after pint

of Diet Coke all day in fact you'd have been more buzzy off a full like that much caffeine exactly every night at tea time Adam's like

yes mate get the fucking bread roll it was like they just got like beer flavoured fizzy water and put some food colouring in it shite

and then we went for a walk one night and there was like four dogs on the beach and there was some people so we assumed the dogs were with the people and then

we took like this little off the beach off the beaten track like there's a bit of trees in there, and the dogs followed us. And we thought we were going to get fucking mauled. Like, one of them was, like, wolf-like, you know, like a big husky-looking fucker, and then two little ones and one, like, muscly one.

And then they were bullying another dog, and Jade was like, we've got to save it. I was like, we've got to get out of here. Daft cunt, this is natural selection they then they went to school with each other them dogs they've known each other years you don't know what's happening it was like i i was like keeping a brave face and so was jade but i was like trying to protect i was like babe come on we need to go this way and she's like yeah but what i was like come on no come on look they obviously know each other and it's a park, and maybe that's the drum, but you don't want to get involved in animal politics like that.

And we got onto the street, and I was like, are you fucking messing me? They could have fucking killed us. Oh, did you? So you kept it friendly in front of the dogs with an earshot? Yeah. Right. Because the foreign dogs understand, like,

domestic disputes between couples. They understand aggression, don't they? And noise. Right, right, right. I'll. They understand aggression, don't they? And noise. Right, right, right. I'll say this right now. This feels controversial. I fucking hate foreign dogs. Right.

I hate all foreign animals. As soon as I'm abroad, I'm like, I don't trust you. I've been chased by a golden, literally a golden retriever in fucking Portugal. I went for a really ill-timed jog. Do you know when you've been on holiday, you're like, oh, fat and sweaty sweaty and then you get in your head like no I need we're there for 10 days on about day four of day five I was like I'm just gonna go for a bit of exercise golden retrievers is I'm am I thinking of the right dog like Labrador looking like they're like the cutest most friendly family dog in Portugal it was almost like it looked like a golden retriever and it had like the black eyes of a shark

and I got chased down a fucking grubby lane in Portugal I ate I er 37 it was a year before last

I thought you were gonna say 9 I don't know which 9 year olds going jogging? What kind of fucking knob? I know I'm a knobber, but I wasn't that much of a knobber at nine. Like, guys, mum, dad, I'm just a bit worried about my, you know, cholesterol. My BMI's a nightmare.

I'm off jogging. With a little Fitbit. Get back in your fucking room, you weirdo. Yeah, I just don't like foreign dogs or squirrels. Foreign squirrels can fuck off as well. What about British squirrels? British squirrels are sound. I know I sound like a squirrel Brexit supporter,

but I think, honestly, I'm not even, like, anti-grey squirrel. You know, everyone's like, oh, red squirrels are majestic, beautiful. These fucking grey squirrels come over here eating our nuts. I don't give a shit. Are grey squirrels not just old red ones? What? Please tell me that was banter.

No, I thought they were just dead on. Have they gone grey? No way, I love it. You don't think? No, I'm calling the bullshit bell. Honestly, there was just a second where I genuinely thought you actually believed that. I thought, haven't they just

got really old like a foreign cat when they are foreign cats when you're at a restaurant on your holidays and then you hear like which is not like it's not like they speak a foreign cat language it's like i'm dying they're awful have you um ever been for a massage it is it is what's in your fucking iron brooms sponsor it's not it's you went to trying to bang me really quick it's not like completely go on it's a. It's not a right angle. No, I like it. On holiday? Yeah. Yeah.

I like a massage. I like a massage as well. Do you? Where's this lead into? Come on, let's be quick. Me and Jade got a massage in Crete. Because we stayed at the Atlantica at Kizus

oh yeah I've heard of it yeah yeah I've heard of it and they have a spa like on site and it's like a popular spa people come from other hotels for it

because it's fucking a doozy so we booked a couples erm head and scalp massage and then a full body one afterwards

what? head and scalp? yeah you a full body one afterwards. What? Head and scalp? Yeah, you just play with your hair for a bit. No, I'm not into that. Yeah, well, back, shoulders, and then... That's it. I haven't ever had anything else.

You've never had a happy ending? You have! No, honestly, I've really not. I'll never believe you. No, in my head, I feel like you go, you have! I was like, in my've only no i'll never believe you no in my head i feel like you go you have i was like in my head i think i was gonna go i would yeah but i've only ever had a massage from a chinese guy in edinley and leeds that would have been really awkward how do you feel about it being a man you got any problem with that at all he fucked me up man it was great do you know when you meet a girl and

like i like it a bit rough and like sometimes as a man i'm like oh that must feel really weird he was like very like diminutive chinese guy and he got he's like okay five five man a really strong leeds accent right okay what's he saying i'm from batley. What's he saying? I'm from Batley in Leeds. I don't know why, but for some reason I thought you were singing Frere Jacques. I know you know. I don't know if you're not aware of that.

The Chinese community. Darn me. Darn me. I'm from Leeds. Chinese heritage. Frere Jacques. Frere Jacques. He got in there. I'm from Leeds Chinese heritage Farazak Farazak he got in there afterwards I fucking hobbled away

I mean if he'd have tried to wank me off that would have been fucking brutal and I was whinging to Laura going he's hurt me more than anything two days later

my back felt fucking amazing so I'm into it so I'm into it I'm totally behind you I'm into it me and Jade first went for a massage

together in Edinburgh when she came to visit me at the Edinburgh Festival and for the first 20 minutes I thought like I'd accidentally booked an MMA bout because she was just

had this fucking three foot Chinese woman on me back with a knee in the middle of my spine going is this too much pressure

I was like yeah but that's what you weigh what you can't fucking change that on when we went to the one the atlantica thing and these two girls and they were dead fucking rude it was like they were pissed off that they had to do it and we noticed during the massage they were just texting so one of them you know like when you ask your missus for a massage and she's like oh i can't be asking you like well i'll do something for you and then she's like okay go on and she just does it with one hand can't be arsed and you're like well I'll do something for you and then she's like okay go on

and she just does it and can't be arsed just nah oh no that's what it was like and we paid under quid for it you can't do it

properly while texting also I'm insecure that in my head they'd be like oh he's got a fat back they were definitely doing that

this fat back because they went like they were dead quiet but then one of them would like do a little stifled laugh because I've got a hairy back as well

like but only in patches and I reckon they were talking about that oh come on babe that's not on is it so we complained and we got a second

massage for free but then a man did it and I was like did you I feel a bit weird and she was like you're being homophobic and I was like

no I'm not I just feel weird having a man have his hands all over me. I just don't want no gay, but all fucking, no, yeah, you're right. It is a bit, it's better though, isn't it? It's fucking great. Yeah. I nearly love them. I tell you this right now, and I stand by this.

If you're going to get touched by a human, you want it to be a man, don't you? I think that's what we're, you know. And there's no context. I've heard. If you were going to have a stranger rub you, no, I've had a, like, on the beach in Spain, like a lady come up and go, massage. And I've been like, oh, fuck it, hungover enough.

I love being hungover at the beach. There's something about holiday hungover where it doesn't count. You know when you're hungover and you're at home and you're, like, in your bed and you're like, God, and then you're downstairs and you're trying to watch something on TV and it's always something so much better about being hot and next to the sea

and then there's a breeze. It's because... And then you can go in the sea and just wash it all off. One of the worst bits of a hangover is that you've got to face real life while you feel like that on holiday. It's just like, yeah, I feel like shit, but I can just go and walk in the beach

and you've got no real problems on holiday, have you? Something about the sea, just like submerging, the coldness of it, oh, love it. Get a kicker going. Can you drink day after day? I really struggle with that, but on holiday, you're just like, yeah, fuck, of course. I used to be able to just drink day after day constantly. I really struggle but on holiday you're just like yeah fuck of course i used to be able to just drink day after day constantly i really struggle now because i have

a two-day hangover and if i if i have a big one that first day of hangover is horrendous illness yeah i don't know anyone in the world who feels worse than me that day like there's people with like who are in the last six months of palliative care who would be like he's fucked him people ringing in your next of kin yeah we're gonna bring a priest in that's when you know you suffer with a hangover when and jade father can smell it when i'm in that and she i see it in her eyes. She's got a fucking evil streak, this cunt, you know. She looks... It's still so aggressive when you say... I've been doing a podcast with you for nearly eight months, seven months.

And when you call Jade, I'm like, oh, God. She doesn't like it either. No. It's a surprise, isn't it? A lot of women are like that. Fucking weirdos. Even the ones that are giving you a? A lot of women are like that. Fucking weirdos. Even the ones giving you a massage. Come on, you cunt.

Get in there. Hurt me. Yeah. When she sees that I'm properly hungover, I can see it. The cogs go to her and she's like, how can I? It's like she has to make the hangover day

the same level of miserable as she thinks the night out was enjoyable wow she tries to balance your chi so like she'll look at me she'll see how many photos how many like instagram stories I put up dancing and singing how many photos I'm tagging with me mates

and she'll weigh that up and she'll look at how fucked I am and she'll be like so he's had about 17 drinks and he's in this photo he's in there he's smiling there he's hugging his mate there that's a nice one that's really good i think today i'm gonna make him come to ikea the range and a big b&m and she can just right and then she'll be like i think we should start a diet and i'm like are you she'll make me have a salad or something literally in your 19th bag of cheddars yeah yeah has she ever taken you to her parents hungover because i've i honestly feel i don't think that's the type of torture i don't think she's that stupid because i think

she wants me to suffer but if her parents seen me if her family seen me on a genuine hangover i think they'd have to have an intervention with her and be like when you can you be with that really jane you can't get a cup of tea that's not what you want to say in it in a parent's house oh god i can't do a cup of tea when i'm hungover either i love tea and i love coffee if i'm hungover i want fizzy sugary shit yeah cold fizzy sugary and ribena fuck me we're gonna be going away to mallorca at the end of september and i'm starting to i started to question whether that's happening i got those refund things i'm for some reason it's i know everything's opening up but i just thought things would be more sound than they are now like today they've just started making us wear masks in shops and it's and i don't know have you seen loads of

shops i've said they're not doing it what like sainsbury's put a statement out going we're not going to enforce it if you're in our shop without a mask we're going to assume you've got a genuine like physical complaint and you you can't do it what's the come i know we don't really get political very often but i think this is more about lives and we're living our lives aren't we what's the medical complaint is it asthma is it basically asthma yeah i went shopping a couple of weeks ago when we were building this place and i wanted to get like a couple of these trinkets for the um the shelves and stuff trinkets Trinkets. No man can sound masculine saying trinkets.

I will fucking fracture your skull with this trinket. And I took a mask with me. Jade asked me to and I was like, okay. Like, you know, I'm not going to die on that hill.

I'll wear a mask in the shops even though the government hasn't enforced it yet. Whatever. But I've got asthma and it's quite bad like you'll notice sometimes on the podcast i push the mic away and just take a deep breath like yeah yeah i always think that's just me giving you a panic attack sometimes it is yeah yeah it's a combination

of the two um but i've had quite bad asthma since i was a kid on and off like sometimes i go through a phase where i'm i need me inhaler off like six months and then for a few like two years I can go and I don't touch it but when I had that mask on I it does really affect my breathing, so

there's a big argument online at the minute there's a load of people who are like, I'm not wearing a mask because I've got asthma and everyone can go fuck off, there's a load of people who are like, I'm not wearing a mask because I've got asthma and everyone can go, fuck off, this is a free country, I'll do what the fuck I like. And then there's people on the other side who are like, well,

actually, you've got to wear a mask because it's not about you, it's about everyone else and we're trying to protect the vulnerable. So you will wear a fucking mask at all times, you selfish piece of shit. Don't go pretending that it fucking affects your breathing, because it fucking doesn't. Because I know, because my nan once played bingo with a woman

whose son has asthma, and my nan would tell me if it affects anything, and it fucking doesn't. And both of those groups are fucking idiots, and it's driving me mad. This legislational guidance or whatever has been brought in to protect people. So you've got to wear a mask to protect other people while you're in shops. Put the mask on. If you start struggling to breathe, leave the shop, and there'll be people going,

oh, well, that means that if I've got asthma, I've got less rights than everyone else. Yeah, it does. You that if I've got asthma, I've got less rights than everyone else. Yeah, it does. You've got a physical ailment, and it means that your life is slightly harder than everyone else. You don't see people in wheelchairs going, don't put any fucking escalators up there. Useless to me.

I don't want to have to fucking get in the lift. Well, you do, because you're in a fucking wheelchair. It's just a temporary measure. It's fucking stupid. Anyone who uses the argument like i understand that people feel like it's an infringement of their rights like they don't like the idea that a government who frankly they don't really trust because of everything that's gone on some things they've got right something that's the discrepancies it's been a bit up and

down hasn't it to now turn around and go this is bullshit this is really infringing on my you know liberties you're like mate they've just shut shops for two months you can't go to nando's they they they've been in they've that's where you're like i get you don't want to be told to wear a mask but you get told to not smoke indoors you get told to do all sorts of things it's just a temporary measure that governments are allowed to take the bigger picture is if you if we all refuse and maybe you're like well scientifically there's proof that it's bullshit like okay well there's obviously some evidence that it's that it's not bullshit put it on let's see if it works and maybe we'll be able to keep shopping maybe nando's will be able to open so we can go and have our tea or don't put it on and order your stuff online and shut the fuck up but

the the argument that it's like it's really infringing on my liberties you're like mate we've just all lived through a massive shutdown where we were told to not leave our house there are worse versions of our civil liberties being taken away put a fucking mask on i just don't get it i i i get the asthma angle but from a lot of the stuff i've heard it's just people being i think it'd be very uncomfortable one woman rang in lbc radio and was like i don't think i'd like to go to john lewis for two hours she kept saying john lewis and it was so fucking annoying obviously you just know she's a bit if If you spend two hours in John Lewis, then you're a bellend, aren't you?

Mate, she's a cunt. John Lewis is for when you need one specific thing and it's out of stock everywhere else. You've checked Argos, you've checked the other gaff, you've checked this place. Amazon can't get it to you for three weeks and you're like, do you know what? John Lewis will have that one thing.

Or you want to spend a bit of money on, like, lamps. We were looking at lamps, and Laura found one in John Lewis. Exactly. You're willing to spend a bit more. No one's doing the fucking big shop. Like, two hours is just basically you perusing to fill your time. She was like, I don't think I could go to John Lewis for two hours. I think I'd feel uncomfortable.

What the fuck? Who fucking needs to go to John Lewis for two hours? The staff must be feel uncomfortable. What the fuck? Who fucking needs to go to John Lewis for two hours? The staff must be looking at, who's this notch? Darling, darling, do we still have toasters? We do. We don't need new toasters. What about kettles? Expensive kettles.

What about this £90 kettle? Wouldn't this look good in the argo? Darling, I know we spent £85 on a kettle. What's an argo? In the argo? Yeah. That was quality. good in the argo darling i know we spent 85 pounds on the kettle in the argo yeah that was quality what's an argo i'm really like i've never owned an argo like a larder what what i thought an argo was like a fancy version of the cupboard under the stairs you've just made the sounds but yeah it's a larder and an agar. It must be the same thing. No, it's like an old-style posh stove and cooker. And it's got a permanent...

My mate Sean's dad was minted when we were growing up. Everyone's got like... Well, we had one mate who was minted. Came up from nothing. Basically sold potpourri in massive amounts. Bought it from China and then sold it to all these, like, touchy-feely shops, made a fucking mint, sold his company. His house was wicked.

When we slept over at Sean's house, the first hour was like, fucking hell, and they had an auger, and it had a permanent hot grill. So you put your bread in between these two, like, metal flaps, and then put it in, and it just took about 20 seconds. And you had the best hotel-quality toast. They're just basically posh cookers. Hotel-quality toast? In my experience, hotel toast is the worst toast in the world.

I strongly disagree. And that little baggage claim thing? If you spent more than £360 on your all-inclusive holidays you get a better standard of toast now that's where the fucking savings happened on the toaster i love it where it's like really high power toaster and it goes through it's something about it like conveyor belt thing yeah i love the conveyor belt toast they don't toast it enough well you have to put it through twice. You could turn it up though, couldn't you? If it was your personal

conveyor belt toaster. Maybe, yeah. You looked at me like we were really going to fall out of all the shit that we say. Like, we've done 80 odd fucking episodes of this podcast

and you looked at me like, the fuck are you saying about toast? Yeah, John Lewis, just stick your face mask on. Go and look at your fucking aga or your larder and just stick your face mask on. Go and look at your fucking aga or your larder and just stick a face mask on.

Right. Should we... I think... We've got a new sponsor, haven't we? We've got a brand new sponsor. Let's have a word for our new sponsor. It is manscaped.com. You'll hear the advert that we have pre-recorded in just a sec.

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Who we got? It's Mr. Paul fucking Smith mate. One of the biggest acts in the country and one of the fucking biggest idiots I've ever met in my life. He's one of the king lids. He's lid royal family isn't he? He's the king of Liverpool comedy.

The ginger king of comedy in Liverpool. Yeah. And I'm coming for this fucking crown mate. I'm the king of Liverpool comedy. The ginger king of comedy in Liverpool. Yeah. And I'm coming for this fucking crown, mate. I'm the king of Preston comedy. Yay! That was a fucking tight competition, that, wasn't it? Asda! Preston comedy is to fucking...

National comedy, what? Asda still water is to drink sponsors. Right, let's have a break. Check out this new pube trimmer, which, P.S., is fucking exceptional. He sent us one, didn't he? Oh, mate, I've been having a go. I've had a go.

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apply the code WORD that's W-O-R-D when you check out and your balls are going to be thanking you. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code WORD at manscaped.com Two mics, two leads and a lot of time on their hands. This is

Have A WOD. It's weird having our guest in for the first time and I don't think I've ever been this stressed about starting a podcast. Honestly. It's going to be some angry energy. I've got my ears of volley in that camera there, yo. We still don't know what the fuck is the problem with it, though.

Anyway, it's working. Ah, yeah. I've got Paul Smith here, ladies and gentlemen. For those of you who don't know who Paul Smith is, you know he's served his time what

sounds like you were struggling to do it he's alright he's local

I was doing a prison joke I was going to introduce him as a full blown paedophile

remember when you did that to me yeah I was going to say you've never got over that have you

no thanks for coming in Paul and thanks for putting up with a few technical fucking glitches that he actually fixed yeah thanks

next one Paul lads do you want to look at that oh yeah here fucking cameras we're gonna have to get them into a shop lads and have a look

at it have I told you about that what what he did to me like at the start of our relationship so I'd known him.

The way he tells this story is not technical. I already can sense that it's not going to be factually accurate. You reckon? Yeah. Okay. I'll tell you what, you tell your version of it. I'll tell the real version. Okay.

So here's what happened, right? Hot Water Comedy Club, the early years, we're in Envy. It's just a Sunday open mic night at the minute. I feel like I live through Envy you know I've heard about fucking Envy so much because it's where

I started the game fucking doesn't stop banging on about the hyena or David Jones was there he was teaching us

how to fuck kids we had a microphone made of wood people come from all the fucking hamlets around he went on stage, and I was about six months in,

if that, less probably, and he goes on, and he goes, this next guy, a bit pissed off I've got to introduce him, to be honest with you. You'll all recognise him.

He's been on the front stage, Liverpool Echo, you know, really bad lad. What he did to those kids was really wrong, and clap if you want, but I wouldn't. Here's Adam Rowe

and I went on and fucking stunk the place out at the worst gig I thought he'd be out of the deal with it yeah

I was literally six months old you know what he's like he's a cocky twat and he sort of thought he'll just bounce off this yeah it's one of them where you're like

I did a week later do you remember that a week later he did it again but I knew he was going to fucking do it here's where the facts fall apart I did a week later I know do you remember that a week later he did it again but I knew he was going to fucking do it here's where the facts here's where the facts

fall apart I did do it again so he's kind of admitted the truth no no no no he's our guest he's our guest fuck the guest mate

it's my podcast I went hey can you do that what you done again last week he got away and written a fucking response it didn't happen

it fucking did what happened he went, well, that's what happens when you shag the compa's sister and they were like, hey. Right.

He's lying. Give him a week. Right. No, what happened was, he did it a second time trying to fuck me up again. I did that. Smashed it.

Standing ovation at the end. People carried me out the gig. And then a couple of weeks later, I went back to do it again and I went, hey, lad, introduce me like a cunt again because I can open with that line and he fucking wouldn't do it for me now it's when you meet someone and you as a comedian you can tell if you if you rate them

if they're going to be able to get those sort of jokes it's a nice thing weirdly people listening will be like what an awful thing to say about someone but as a comic that's like your sound you're gonna be sound because if you didn't trust someone or you didn't like them you'd never go this guy's a nonce i remember it happening and i like i was laughing my head off don't get me wrong but like in my head i was like oh fuck that was bad that like i honestly thought he'd go on and just because he believed like i'd never seen him do bad like and i thought all right well i'll just i'll see i'll see what he's got i'll test him a little bit and it did not work out

it's only funny afterwards if everyone's done well if you go this guy's a nonce and the whole crowd are like it's disgusting

why would you hurt children with your penis but they did believe him yeah like I walked on yeah and because I did you do look a bit noncy

as well you do look like a nonce especially back then I reckon I look the least noncy in this room he's got his big muscles to entice them in you've got your glasses

and your fucking I reckon you do you look like a trucker yeah I look like I fuck women against their will I don't how old are the women

that's not it's not children I'm not a monster because you've got makeup on doesn't make them you look like a trucker a long distance nonce I'm not a monster. Because he's got makeup on, doesn't make them weird. You look like a trucker.

A long distance nonce. Yeah. But because I didn't know how to handle it, I just walked on to that introduction and was like, so I'm Adam, I'm from Dovecot and there's like 70 people there. The way he was,

his first joke was about his uncle being a noncerite. I don't think I was still doing nothing. I'm faking it. Uncle Charlie. Uncle Charlie. So hang on. What year did you...

You started in 2010. Yeah. When did I meet you? I was trying to work it out on the way over here. I was like, is that about 2005, 2004? No, no. I started 2006. Right.

Well, December 2005, yeah. Yeah. I don't think I met you till like 2007 i think i met you doing beat and i don't know if it was beat the frog or baby blue i think yeah i think i came over doing one of them yeah you you are a different looking fucking paul smith from the from the lad i met in 2007 from the goth who had straight hair. To fucking Mr Universe. Fucking hell.

Doesn't it feel, when you start out, you're a young kid and now we're like, when did we meet, Paul? Back in 07, I remember it. Now I remember it now. Oh, Jesus Christ. Fucking hell. And now here we are, the three l lids thanks for coming over to do it it's really we really appreciate it because we've had that we've had that tech stuff to start off

the like just as the most important time we've ever used a camera and we were both like uh how do you turn it on and i said to adam it's like so good that we've got a mate in for them to not be like yeah i mean you were looking at us like we're balanced but at least we know you're our mate yeah and I already knew you were balanced yeah like I think Paul takes one look at us

and goes they don't know how to work a fucking camera I am actually very impressed by this setup to be honest the fact that you put this together

it's good isn't it I mean my dad did it and we watched his dad was meant to come in and do a little bit of wallpapering and by the end of like the second week we're like come on mick this isn't getting fucking done without you man how is it

how's is this the first thing you've done out of the rona shutdown is this is this the first little glimpse of a couple of little podcasts and like mainly i can zoom and stuff like that i've done a couple of podcasts for people and stuff. Fuck. Zoom. This is the first time I've been in another place, I think. In a little studio. Well, I've been... I actually haven't given a fuck about it for about a month, so I've been visiting my missus in Torquay and shit. You what?

I've been visiting my missus in Torquay, just going and chilling by the sea. Have I told you that, like, when... Because your missus is from Birmingham originally and she's got such a thick Brummie accent

I got confused and I thought she was from Tamworth right which is like not far from Birmingham

right in the middle of the country and then you started putting videos up on your Instagram where you're

kayaking she goes kayaking in Tamworth in Tamworth Tamworth by the sea what the fuck where is this

it's called the canal yeah it's gone surfing in Coventry how clean is the water in that canal there's fucking jellyfish in it

what's down there though mate it's unreal you know I did not know that there was places like that in this country if the sun comes out it's like fucking

would you ever move there I've got kids here and that's what i can't but yeah but like if oh all else if social services ever get involved and they get taken off yeah would you go oh definitely oh don't move to fucking torquay because then there'll be a hot water torquay and then it'll be like dan i know you've put liverpool in for the weekend but can you put torquay in i I'm like, no, because I don't give a fuck about kayaking. It's a nice drive, though. Straight run, 24 hours.

It's a nice straight run past Birmingham, which is always easy, isn't it? Past Tamworth-by-the-Sea. Oh, fucking hell. Torquay. I remember going there when I was 15 with my mate and his parents. Crazy. And got off with a mate and his parents crazy and got off with a girl

and fingered her in a park and it was like I think it was middle of summer oh just one of the first fingerings oh beautiful

hallow days that you ruined with a finger I think we should move there as well what? should we all move to Torquay

and just start a massive comedy scene down there I mean I would never do comedy there again to to be honest, I don't think. Because I did a tour show there last year and it was one of the fucking worst things ever. Why was it shit? It was fucking awful.

Because, right, Torquay's a mad place. Like, you go to Torquay, there's more Scousers in Torquay than fucking Liverpool. It's crazy. What? Just because it's the fucking last place on the train and it's where every cunt who's on the run goes to Torquay so there's loads of gangsters there and like

having a pint with them and that every time I've been out there you'd end up surrounded by dodgy scousers with dead sound do you know what I mean so that's boss

but like when they're in a gig situation and there's fucking beak everywhere and that those seaside towns man like just

something about them like the worst gigs I've done has been like blackpool blackpool whitley bay yeah whitley bay and shit like that just always fucking mad we've spoke about this on the podcast before i would take a gig like that though where there's literal fights in the audience any day of the week over doing rob riley's gig in lancaster ever again and if you know you don't know what we're talking about, Rob Riley's gig in Lancaster is infamous for just being a bit like, they literally stare at you

like you're trying to do your stand-up in a fucking doctor's waiting room. They're like, we've just come for a prescription. It's the, what you're saying is you'd rather go mad as fuck rather than lifeless.

I don't mind going mad. Like, when I did Whitehaven, the maddest one I've done was Whitehaven, but everyone in the audience, there was 400 people, and they were all on cocaine. They were doing cocaine in the audience.

No one gives a fuck there, because they're all rough as fuck, but got loads of money because they all work at Sellafield. So no one's like, there's no hierarchy there, and I want to be a grafter or whatever. Just like, there's one hard woman

who was in the crowd who sells all the cocaine to everyone, and she just always has, and no one bothers with her so she's walking around like it's choc ice everyone was like this is her and she's like oh yeah people are telling me they've got guns and stuff and i was like but like because everyone because everybody loved the chaos i was like well i'll just bounce off this for an hour if you don't want material i'll just fucking call your own this for an hour. If you don't want material, I'll just fucking call you all nabbits for an hour if that's what you want. So, do you think you have that with your fan base?

Because, like, your fan base has almost exclusively come from crowd work, hasn't it? Well, it has, but, like, most, 95% of the places, people do want to sit and watch the show. And you get these lovely theatres and, like, people will sit and, like, some places you go to and expect it to be rough as fuck, like Glasgow, and they're just fucking beautiful you know like the bits where you've got to pause and you gag

and they're just sat there and it's just you feel them just with you and it's just amazing but then some places you go and you just want it to be fucking chaos I remember the only tour show of Paul's

I've seen was Newcastle so I was at the stand doing gigs at the comedy club and he was around the corner in Newcastle City Hall and after I'd finished at the stand I just went over to watch and it was the night that fella threw a joint at you it was incredible that wasn't it yeah he literally said on stage he was doing a

story about like smoking weed and he goes uh yeah so i was smoking weed and as he finished the syllable with the d in a fucking joint hit him in the chest because some jury had gone yeah mate you're talking about weed it's not easy to throw a joint but hang on

he must have had that like if you're stoned he must have been like that if you're stoned surely you're not like fucking weed's been mentioned fucking skin up

and then flick it you're meant to be slower it's unreal he's had it ready yeah yeah this guy looks like he wants a fucking bifter right on his tits and also you're not throwing you're only ready what are you so he had like four or five in his pocket newcastle's got a bit of the mental but it's a big city it's quite cultured glasgow's a bit mental but it's a big city it's cultured those seaside towns are a different kind of crazy aren't they

like people talk about Aberdeen when it goes fucking weird I think there's a lot of drugs in those places because there's fuck all else to do right

everyone just takes loads of drugs everyone takes loads of drugs and then goes on the 2p machine in the fucking arcade yeah just staying out of free

just trying to win a fucking Dumbo teddy on coke I'd be honest just getting it out spending 65 quid on a one pound cocaine and the fucking amusements have you ever done a gig on coke yeah yeah what was that like uh you fine because i'm not low energy am i so i'm my height like i i've had people after a gig where i wasn't on coke be like because they know i've done it i've gone on something i was like no i'm just in a really good mood and bouncing around if you're a dead pan comic and you're like i don't know fucking whoever you think Anthony J Brown's a deadpan comic from the circuit and he's

like stroking the microphone yeah he's like I have got a joke and it's been going you know for 20 years he can't do cocaine because he's gonna be like but I'm already bouncy the only the times I've done not I'm not proud of it but it's's back in the day, all you're thinking is, don't sniff, don't sniff, don't sniff. Because you know, if everyone hears you sniff, they're going to think you're on coke. And none of this is happening. The crowd can't give a shit. They just want comedy and jokes. But in your head, you're like, don't sniff, don't sniff. And then you just go, which makes it worse. So that's, it felt the same. It still worked, but I just had this internal narrative of like, don't look like a smack head, don't look like a smack head. No one cares.

I had once, I told you this, a gig where I'd been out on pills the night before. This is when I was like 23, just started out. Got there, and it was one of those gigs where they're like, there's no microphone. I was like, oh God, I need it to be normal. I haven't slept. I'm coming down, but I'm, and I was like, right, I'll just have a, I'll just take a, I'll have a bottle of Coke. I had a bottle but I'm and I was like right I'll just have a I'll just take a I'll

have a bottle of coke I had a bottle of coke and I was drinking it and just because I was still a bit high and I hadn't slept and there was no microphone I started doing the gig into the bottle of coke and every now and again I hear as I sort of spoke over and then in your head you're like move the coke away and you're like I've done that i've done every gig i've done without a mic i think i've found something to just hold you don't need it or i've just like you know when the mic goes off for a gig yeah like that's happened a few times and i'll still hold it there and i'm like i don't know why i'm doing it i find it so weird when comics do that like i've had the mic die a couple of times in hot water like where it's just fucked off,

and Binti's, like, in the sound booth, Binti the tech who owns the club, and he's like, I'll sort it in the break, so you just have to deal with it. I just put the mic down

and just gesticulate with my hands, but I remember, this is years, I don't even know whether you'll remember this, you did a gig for Hot Water

at the Crown, and the mic went off, and you literally, about four or five times in your 20 minutes said said or like out loud and i think it was meant to stay in i need a mic because you're like walking with your hands and then you do a joke and it'll get a laugh but before you started your next bit you go i want a mic you've got one hand flapping yeah you said it's weird

and you can't just stand there with that hand there no or like that I just think you like with both when I'm talking so

I don't I always have that hand fixed and then I'm like I'll use that you're doing a Wolf of Wall Street every acoustic have you done the

radio mic where it's all like I think that looks proper noncey when it's a skin coloured cheek mic yeah and you think you're

in steps. Yeah, McIntyre, Jack Whitehall style. Yeah, yeah. I just don't think I'd be comfortable with that. I don't even like having a normal radio mic without a wire. I feel untethered. Yeah, also, it's good security. Yeah.

It's just nice to know that it's... That's such an old-school thing of like, if it's plugged in, it definitely works. There's no batteries. It's just a nice thing to know that where's your favourite place of all the big tours I know you love Liverpool

and gigging in Liverpool where's been the place that on a tour you look forward to Dublin oh Dublin 100% the best one Dublin

just every time the place is incredible the theatre's incredible they properly look after you and it's just it's just it's just an amazing place I love being there as well

when you get somewhere like there's a couple of cities in the world where you just feel like you're at home like some cities have good vibes some cities that don't

have good vibes it's a very scouse thing to think that of Dublin though innit yeah that's a thing where do you feel at home on to the breast

Stockholm Dublin, Glasgow and Newcastle I feel real comfortable I'm just wondering whether that translates onto Preston we have Coventry Preston's so non-descript, there's no culture Nightingale, where are your

ancestors from? Didn't you do a bit about this? I did a bit about it we did jeans reunited and we got back to 1650 and uh they were eight miles from preston in salmsbury i did on stage i was like that's fucking 370 years you've literally like like spread your genes further than any oh generation I'm a fucking I'm literally like a fucking astronaut compared to my bloodline

who've literally managed 307 years ago and over there fucking pathetic have you ever done anything like that do you know where

Smith's from yeah yeah well I go to my grandad on both sides and it just goes to Ireland I did Ancestry and got back to

late 1600s and then it's Liverpool Liverpool Liverpool. I did Ancestry and got back to like late 1600s. And then it's Liverpool, Liverpool, Liverpool, Ireland. I haven't done anything like that. You've got to be... Is he got to be Albanian? I had a fucking nightmare with that though. I got a fucking phone call off TSB, right? And I was like, what?

And they were like, you know it's £700? And I was like, no I don't. And they were like, yeah, yeah, your bank account's become overdrawn. And you know it's £700? I was like no i don't and they were like yeah yeah you know your bank account's become overdrawn and you know it's 700 pounds i was like i haven't got a tsp bank account you're incorrect and they were like you have and i was like i haven't and you were like and i was like you know when you're fucking short or something i make you use use use of my name's popular you's a fucked up here like but and then they were like no you took a bank out and i was thinking oh did you because years ago when was with helen we just took this we just opened the bank account to just put money in together to get shopping and that no so we could both have a car for it

was just easier and then it just never got used so i've just left it right and what i've done like a fucking asshole one day is i've signed up to ancestry.com not being able to find my bank card this is my fucking five years ago and just you know when you get the free trial i've gone i'll cancel that after 30 days i never cancelled it could you imagine losing your house to ancestry over for five years it's so funny you bring that up i had about seven of them that i found yesterday or the day before because i've just sorted the new car out and like the insurance was a lot better than i expected the payments on the car is slightly above what i expected the expense going into hiring this new studio for every month we're about to hire carl as our producer and i said to jade i just need to go

through me bank and you know there's those little yeah a couple of things you have that are like two or three quid a month and you think oh that doesn't fucking matter it's only a coffee or whatever and you add them up experience yeah yeah i had three different credit score ones that are all 18 quid a month each experience credit clear credit or clear score and another one of them, I was still paying for Candy Crush. I was on also lives. Fuck me, mate. You don't deserve to buy a house. It's like nine quid a month for Candy Crush.

What did you get for Candy Crush? I don't understand. More lives and all the weapons and that. Mate, I felt bad for getting a top up or a boost on a game but to have a direct debit I didn't set the direct debit up I've clicked

do you want three lives for a month yeah after this it will go on to 12 or whatever and it's automatically done it my dad's sky bill

he hadn't fucking told me I said because my dad's credit is like fucking Greece and mine's not much better Sky were willing to give me the internet and a telly in his house on an introductory offer for a year

for like 20 quid a month my dad's obviously been getting letters to his house going Europe bill's about to go up so I'm fucking 90 quid a month for his Sky coming out of my I just don't check my bank our Virgin had gone up I spent all day on the phone to Virgin and Sky and they are the worst customer service

people in the world because they both know that the other one is your only option and they know their cunts as well so they're like doesn't matter if we're cunts if he has to deal with them

he'll end up coming back to us anyway I found so fucking many of them I deleted about 90 quid a month off my monthly outgoings oh mate

I would never let that shit ride I've deleted stuff. I'm exactly like him, mate. I've still got Experian. I know it's there, and I still haven't cancelled it. I owe O2 two and a half grand. Fucking Candy Crush got bad that month, didn't it?

Mate. And I went on, before I cancelled Experian, I had a look at my credit score, because I was like, I might as well fucking check it. I've never used it. And I've got two things a look at my credit score because I was like, I might as well fucking check it. I've never used it. And I've got two things

that have ruined my credit score. They're both, you know, that like, low solicitors who like, do like debt collection. But it says,

like, from when they default, they're on your credit for six years. Yeah. I've got to just dodge these cunts till January. I've done that though.

I've done that. I fucked my credit when i was about 23 and i was just fucking because i got made redundant and shit and i was just like oh i'll just just just after i started doing stand-up right literally i'd been doing stand-up for three months and it was going all right i'd done a few good open spots and i was like i've been made redundant this must be a sign i'll just be a professional and then lived on credit cards for like a year paying for all this shit it was fucking stupid right got in loads of debt

and then I was like I'm just gonna ignore that and I ignored it for like six years and it all went away so that is a good are you not in there's a life lesson

for the listeners there if you've got any problems ignore it it'll go away is your missus pregnant just ignore her she'll go away yeah after six years

after six years if After six years. If you don't speak to her for six years, I guarantee she's not there anymore. Paul Smith's life lessons. Hold your nerve for six years. It's going to be hard. Five years in, you're going to want to look. Yeah.

But don't look. Don't open your eyes. Just move to Torquay. Just move to some seaside town. Do cocaine. Keep getting shit here seaside town. Do cocaine. Keep getting shitty rent of accommodation. Keep moving. And then when it's clear again,

you can buy a house and then it's out. Do you know when Jade found out how much of these debts I had a couple of years ago when we first went to rent a house, she went to me, why haven't you dealt with this? And I went, well, I got told if you move three times,

they can't catch it. And that was 100% true. 100% in my head. The information I had was if you move out three times, that debt is essentially... And I can imagine you fighting that argument. So Jay's like, that's bullshit. No, it's not, Jake!

It's fucking not! That's exactly what happened. And do you know where I got it from? Two pints of lager and a pack of crisps I am so in my internet banking that I cancel things even if I'm like

what the fuck's this I cancelled my grandad's emergency fucking pendant I was like I don't recognise this it had only been going

six months that meant for two weeks if he'd had a fall and been pressing that button no one would have come because in my head I was like, I don't recognise this. It had only been going six months. That meant for two weeks, if he'd had a fall and been pressing that button, no one would have come. Because in my head, I was like, what the fuck is 247 lifeline? But I'm not having that coming out.

Bullshit. And then they rang. They were like, we've tested your granddad's line. You've cancelled your direct debit. I was like, right. Could you do me a favour? Could you set that up without telling my sister? I'm on the floor of the bog,

fucking pulling a red from it. Literally. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Nobody loves me. How much did you save? 24 quid. Killed his grandad for a fucking price of FIFA. Oh, that's why you shouldn't fucking sign me into the fucking will.

Dangerous game. Just move that mic closer to your mouth. Is that possible? Oh, yeah's why you shouldn't fucking sign me into the fucking will. Dangerous game. Just move that mic closer to your mouth. Is that possible? Even if it just means pulling the desk towards you a little bit because you're very thoughtfully spoken and we are so fucking loud. We did an advert for Manscaped before and we were like, it's really good for your balls. It's like full volume.

Oh, my God. Have you got any left? Do you reckon? What? Like those things that you've just ignored. Definitely, yeah. No, you've not. Child maintenance is there.

I haven't ignored that one, yeah. I'm all right with it now. Once I got it clear. You know what? Once I had a kid, I couldn't change, and I was like, right, I'm'm gonna have to

fucking sort my head out here so i can buy a house and shit that's what that's what changed it does kick your ass into gear also it gets competitive give a fuck before that can we tell people what you did with your money before lockdown can we mention that no i really it's just because of what the way the conversation i'm in, very sticky legal proceedings at the minute. Don't cut that out. Turns out shit got nasty. It's just about to be sorted, so let's not fucking rock the boat. A detection says that you don't want to talk about.

I just, I know what, I know what. Does anyone else have the feeling, like, this is horrific, and Laura listens to the podcast, but in my head i'm like imagine if we fall out and i've earned this money and it's sat there i just want something that she can't get out like even though we've never had an argument me and her are as sound a couple as i know of any of the people that are in couples but i have this feeling like i want to buy gold and bury it in the garden mate well I'll tell you some shit after this podcast because I met a billionaire

and he gave me some very good advice did he? very good advice I mean I haven't implemented any it was too late at that point

the first thing you said was delete candy crutch yeah my dickhead fucking like my dickhead solution to it had already happened

so I was like did he tell you to move three times and then you can't catch you? Four, he was. You'd be a fucking billionaire now. That's all he's done and then he gave me,

that's like a hack, he gave me a billion quid. Everyone thinks it's free, it's four. Jeff Bezos has moved 12 times. Clever. Claire's accessing these after Jeff Bezos.

Fucking earnings. Bringing him down. I just... He's into stocks and shares. What's your... What was your... Weren't you buying water or something? I was going to buy oil, wasn't I?

Mate, I bought... Is that because of Blair? In our group chat, we were talking about it. I mean, like, oil was hit down at like six, seven points. What? What, is this your whatsapp group yeah mate you make out that that whatsapp group is the like just daggers out the worst shit ever and you're talking about oil prices yeah it's because but mate when lockdown happened paul blair because he's a fucking like just one of them people in he he just goes i'm just gonna have a little at this. I made about a fucking 30 grand a week. He bought shares in Mackey's.

He bought shares in Mackey's when it was closed. While it was closed? He made it look so fucking easy. And so I was like, I'm going to have a go with that. I'm going to do that. Fucking free money,

that shit, isn't it? Because the stock market was on its ass. So I went and fucking threw like loads of money on Bitcoin. And then I was watching it, mate, and it just went fuck off. And I was like, oh like oh no because you said like when you go on these apps you set like a stop loss do you know what i mean so you like you don't fucking completely like tank yourself

but then i got close to it and i was like don't sell don't sell like that because it'll just automatically sell and it was like half my money and i was like oh my god and then it went back up and then i come back down and it was just so volatile and I just couldn't do anything but sit on my phone looking at this fucking graph and Blair loves all that but that's not for me, that shit. Hang on.

You went Bitcoin. He went McDonald's. Well, he started on Bitcoin and that was like fucking, and then he diversified into like fucking loads of, he was like, he'd become a day trader

for about half an hour, didn't he? It's like fucking, he's looking at airlines going, I reckon they're going to get bailed out here so I'm going to fucking get in here. And I'm like. I don't, but I don't mind that.

If I was going to trade, I'd want to know what, we were talking about Jeff Bezos the other day. It makes sense that he's going to be a trillionaire because you know his shop is massive. I don't like it when I don't get, like Bitcoin,

I'm like, what, I don't understand. Every time someone says Bitcoin, I think of the coins in Mario or Sonic that's basically what it is yeah

and I it would for me like McDonald's is shut now their stock price will be low but they're going to open up and people are going to want Maccadies

I could see buying stocks and I'd be like I can work that out stuff that I don't understand I'd be like what am I Paul Blair's good

with stuff like that he is good but like it's weird because it's not real. It's like oil. Oil's oil, do you know what I mean? Oil is still as valuable as oil is, but then oil prices go up and down

because it's going off who thinks oil's valuable. So if we all go, hey, oil's fucking valuable, isn't it? And we all buy oil, oil becomes less valuable. And then you're like, ah, fuck, oil's shit, isn't it? So you sell it, and then it's fucking more valuable. Are you laughing because he explains things like I do? Yeah, I know. Anyone who knows stocks and shares

must be like, Jesus, guys. How do you even afford your stocks? No, right, because oil. He's oil. And if it's expensive, that's a lot. And then if it's not,

so I've invested in chocolate. Yeah, and concise. I knew what you meant. I was fucking well in your way. Do you know how long I talk like that on a podcast? And I know what I mean. And he looks at me like he's just looked at you. Like you're a fucking idiot.

You know what you mean? If everyone says, right, let's all buy some oil. Then everyone goes, oh fuck, oil's expensive, isn't it?

But then if everyone goes, I'm not fucking buying oil anymore. I'm selling my oil. Then people are like, oh, well, it totally makes sense. But if was being taught gcse economics by one of yous i'd be questioning your fucking qualifications like everyone sit down shut the fuck up this is how economics works

right i sell stuff right and some people buy it and some people don't now fuck off thanks sir thank you sir what um what comedy gets cancelled today they're just like listen rona's always going to be here whatever turns out the only industry that can't run is live comedy podcast it looked like that for a couple of weeks yeah it felt like the tory government had been like this is great what would you do what would you do? What would you do? What's the thing? Talk, get a kayak. What are you thinking? I don't know,

you know, I just don't know what to do. It'll be all right for a bit. I think I just fucking, I, I, I'm, I'm quite good at like,

accepting the, the, the current situation. So like when, when stuff goes mad, like over the last couple of years, I made a lot more money. I've never had money in my life.

Yeah. And then I've made quite a bit of money and I kind of it's weird how quickly you get used to having money in the bank and not looking at your bank and just thinking well i know i've got money in the bank yeah so don't have to worry about it yeah don't not totally relate i'm going from that to having your calculator out in the fucking tesco's but then i think if it goes back to that and i'm skint again i think i'd be all right with that as well. I just don't know. Because you've done it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, I'm not massively, like, panicking about it. That's why people who win the lottery

end up skint, innit? Yeah. Because you get it and you're just like, oh, I want a boat. I want another boat. I want a plane. I want this or whatever. And then, like, people are like,

why did you do all that? And it's like, oh, not really asked. But he's happy to just go back to painting. They bought some stupid shit, mate. Go on. I don't even want to say because I'll get burgled oh please like I saw a jacket

that you bought and you were like I bought those clothes because the show I was writing was called I called it change because it was just

because I was getting little comments of people like because I bought a nice card and I had people going oh fucking you've changed you so I thought what I'll do is

as a joke I'll just fucking go right over the top with it and buy fucking gold Louboutins and a fucking load of Versace coats and shit like that and that'll be all

my stage gear lean into your criticism lean into it basically that's why I'm calling my next tour show let me in the machines you 87 year old prick mine's gonna be called

grandad murderer I'm really I think that's just the best way to attack it innit but then as fucking obviously

Rowan has changed everything and I think I've changed a lot as a fucking person since then and like now I'm just like looking at all this shit

and I was like I've got it all it doesn't even fit me anymore after shit I've given half of it away and I'm like I'm never gonna fucking wear that

I'm not gonna wear it on stage so I thought I'll just fucking get it out and wear it around to tesco's and shit fucking bright dng fucking hoodies and shit like that i think i bought like i bought some mad watches and stuff yeah but they they keep the value though don't they they do but the bad thing like i i thought i was fucking billy big bollocks didn't i buying a fucking rolex thinking it was fucking like thinking i was part of the fucking big man club and that with the fucking making a rolex and shit like that and

i think the thing about having that shit like i like having a pair of nice nice night trainees and shit like that but like these are about the limit of what i'm comfortable in like i put those louboutins on and they're a thousand pound a pair and i'm like because i've got a fucking grand on my feature i mean I'm not comfortable in them and I don't feel like it doesn't matter how much money I've got

I'm not comfortable having £1,000 on my feet totally 100% relate to this at the start of lockdown I had a bit of money squirreled away just before the start

of lockdown I got a pair of Yeezys right and they are the most comfy things in the world but because they're Yeezys,

they're very limited run trainers, aren't they? Yeah, yeah. So when they first go for sale, they're about 200 quid. Yeah, yeah. But then they're actually worth about 400 or 500 for a pair of Yeezys, and I got myself a pair.

I won't wear them outside the living room. Yeah, yeah. Because I'm like, if I go on gravel with this, they're scratched forever. Yeah, they're your house Yeezys. But I bought a fucking 30 gram

watch and I had it on my arm and I'm like every time I put it on and someone went it's a nice day tone or that and I was like

someone's gonna chop my fucking arm off someone's gonna chop my fucking it's like when you get paid cash for a weekend of gigs

and you've got to walk back to your car and you think everyone in Manchester City Centre knows you've got a grand in your pocket but like I was

putting pictures on on Instagram and people look everyone's commenting that's a fucking hell you get paid too much to have that watch a grand in your pocket? I was putting pictures on on Instagram and everyone's commenting, that's a fucking hell, you get paid too much to have that watch on and shit like that. And I was like, I'm getting rid of this, got rid of it, got rid of it.

Because I was like, I don't need people to... Got back to a little black Casio. But the thing is, I wasn't even fucking telling... I was looking at my phone for the time. Yeah. But your fan base is... You're a lad done good, aren't you? From a working class city

you sell well in all the seaside cocaine towns so is it they want you to do well they love you it only takes one fucking I'm just not comfortable having that on my arm because someone's gonna fucking

because it's untraceable and it only takes one cunt to just slap it off your arm or knock you out for it and it's gone, you're never getting it back. It's insured. I'll be honest with you, it was insured. If I knew your watch

would cost £30,000, I might have swatted you. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. You would. Is this why you've been working out to just protect your fucking shoes

and jewellery? Yeah. What moves have you met, Paul? I've met the wrist slapper, get them off, got my fucking shoes. I think my head fell off a little bit when fucking rona happened at the beginning as everyone's probably did it's not getting up

at 5 a.m i was in there and i was like fucking but like i've said this before i i can met a new bird and i was in a good place everything had been going right and like it was i i fucking i had the car i'd ever like it was the dream life and I was looking like it was like and every time I looked at it I was like this is the start of every fucking zombie apocalypse film

that has ever ever fucking happened and then when that happened I was like oh and it's all gone tits up I'm buying a sword and I was literally

I had fucking I went on and I fucking had like six swords in a fucking basket and I was like I don't know what researching swords and what's the best sword to buy

to fucking for fucking fucking sword and then swords in a fucking basket i was like i don't know what researching swords and what's the best sword to buy to fucking for i was about to buy it and i just i was in bed at about two o'clock in the morning just fucking watching youtube videos about fucking viking fucking swords and shit like that whether to buy a katana or whatever and then i fell asleep and i had a dream where someone broke in my house right and i grabbed the sword and ran downstairs and they were coming through my door and i went ah and i just caught the sword on the ceiling right and stuck the sword in the ceiling and he just tackled me and killed me with my own sword and i was like i'm not i bought a baseball bat and then left it on the couch

this is what happened to me i get done in with my own fucking weapon and Jade was Jade come down in the morning and was like why is the bat on the couch and I went I just forgot to take it upstairs why are you giving me grief

she went because you've bought a baseball bat to protect us and you've fucking left it as a weapon for the bat yeah but it's true and it's statistically though

if you have a sword in the house it like massively increases your chances of getting looking like a fucking quendo you shall not it was at the point when i had i had the fuck it i was i was gonna dual wield i had a sword and a fucking little an axe i was thinking i can block with the axe i was watching videos on it my head fell off is that what you were doing for the first two weeks of shutdown? The thing is, right, can we talk about it? About three weeks before that, I'd done DMT, right?

And I didn't know whether I'd come out. Did you say, can we talk about that? If you've maided someone, you can say, on this podcast, and our listeners will be like, funny that lad. We'll get to that in a minute. This is where the sword chat's building up to. Then TSb knocked on i had a weird fucking dmt trip about three weeks before that with my with fucking milo and

yeah and dame o'clark and i wasn't fully sure that i'd come out of it it's a very transformative experience doing dmt so i was like i think it was like it affected my psychology a little you know when we put the pictures in the studio, about 20% of the comments, which was quite a lot, was, oh, going to become the Scouse Joe Rogan, are you lad? And now we're doing DMT on the first guest possible. Jesus Christ. And if you don't know Milo, did you see Milo and Damien Clark?

Yeah. Like the nicest guys. Seeing Damien Clark on DMC Was one of the most Beautiful things I have ever seen In my entire life Mate seeing Damien Clark Have a cup of tea

Is quite Is quite I fucking love tea I think that was more Spiritual than me Doing the DMC I was just watching him And he was like

So you had a bad Experience on it Nah I had a beautiful Experience on it But Where did you do it I've got a shaman A what You've fucking changed i've got a shaman a what you fucking

changed lads what's a shaman i i know what the fuck is going on what's a shaman you've had a fucking weird shutdown it turns out you've gone back to like this is you know when you're writing a show you know when you're writing a show and you have to pick a name before you write the show, don't you? Because you've got to start marketing the show first. And then you're like, I'm going to have to pick a name here and I don't know what the fuck the show is about

because I haven't written the show. And I picked the name Change thinking it was going to be about that, but I think it's going to be about, because I have changed massively, but it fucking, like, because I'd done it the first time with Milo last October.

And he'd done it in my house. And it, oh, man, right? So, you know what it is, right? DMT. Yeah. It's the stuff your brain releases just before you die, right? It's why people think they've seen the whole life flash before them.

Yeah, like spirit molecule and stuff like that. I'm a sceptical guy. Spirit molecule? There's a documentary where it's called a spirit molecule and stuff like that. That's what it's called, mate. I can't wait till you tell me what a shame it is. What's a documentary where it's called the spirit molecule and stuff like that it's just that's what it's called I can't wait till you tell me what a shaman is

what's a shaman well it's like a fucking a shaman where I'm from is when your ma's a bit of a slag fucking hell and you're on your way

to school and you're like where's your dirty ma that's getting a shaman where I'm from. I'll get to that in a minute. He's a proper scouser as well. His name's Shaman Kev.

It's boss. He's class. He's fucking absolute. Honestly, one of the best people I've ever met in my life. Is he council affiliated? I've got a clue.

Liverpool City Council Shaman? I just know he's got pistols and shit and he's a good guy. So, anyway, first time at Dosey, right? So, I don't got a clue. Liverpool City Council shaman? I just know he's got pistols and shit, and he's a good guy. So, anyway, first time it does it, right? So,

I don't, you won't have experienced it, because you haven't done it, but right, Milo's telling me about this shit, because he's- I had a fucking boss cake last week, you know,

I swear to God, I'm not saying it was the same, but transformative. Yeah, well, it might have been, but like, Milo's telling me about this shit,

and he's like a clinical psychologist, isn't he? So he's into all that stuff, and he fucking knows what he's talking about. So he's very convincing. Not that he persuaded me. I just had a feeling to do it. So he comes to my house, and, like, you've got to, like, smoke it in a bong, right?

So, like, he made the bong out of a bottle, and he's, like, explaining how to do it. Because you go one at a time, right? So it's got to be quiet. We've got, got like nice meditative music on and stuff like that you've done a little bit like a guided meditation before make sure you're in the right space and that because you could you know could fall off um so i had to go and i fucked up a little bit because it's harsh and i was like i wasn't expecting it to be as harsh as it is so when you say harsh the flavor it's like dead chemically right you smoke it yeah you gotta like take it in and hold it back and then he'll fill the bottle up again like a like a bong yeah

yeah yeah okay but like it's not i've only smoked weed before so it wasn't like i was expecting a more herbal thing and it wasn't that and i was like so the second one i coughed and i don't think i got the full hit right so i'm starting to have this like psychedelic experience which i'd never had but i didn't fully go under right so i'm sat there and i'm like fucking looking around and there's a picture on my wall and it's like a cloud and it starts moving and making faces and it's like crying at me and i freaked out for a little minute and then i was like because it only lasts five minutes and then you're sober again your body absorbs it really quick because it makes it and how long do you feel like that five minutes

is you feel like it's five minutes so like i was sat there and everything's just beautiful everything's heightened and it looked like a cartoon right milo looks like a cartoon right and i'm looking at him and he's just smiling at me and i'm like this is fucking amazing right it's like the first time you go into vr if you don't know you become hypersensitive to him dead warm colors yeah yeah yeah so it was beautiful so come out of it with me that was that was amazing went you didn't fully go under there he was like just like

probably a good experience but you didn't get the full hit so then he has a go right and he's on me I've got a lazy boy and he's just on me

lazy boy he reclined and he's like and he's like I had this lovely time right and he comes out of it and he went

something's just told me you need to go again and I was like go on then we'll do it again right so it does it again right and i've done it properly the second time i'm mate i just fucking he's he's like so he gives me he's like take it back hold it and then the second time you start feeling the kick in right and you're like okay and everything's like oh it starts like wobbling right and you're like

oh shit and then he's like you take the second one and you really start feeling it and then he's like take the third one he starts counting down he's like 10 take the second one, and you really start feeling it. And then he's like, take the third one, and he starts counting down. He's like, 10, 9, and then his voice just goes... Milo. It just melts away, right? Everything melted away. The whole world just turned into, like, these colours I've never seen before.

And then this fucking... What do you mean, colours you've never seen before? Colours I've never seen, and I can't explain it to you because we've got no shared frame of reference. I've never seen these colours before. Dead mad colours. i can't with the best way i can try to explain is i don't think because you're not looking at it through your eyes it's inside your brain i feel like i went to somewhere else and again i understand there's a part of me that's rational i think so well your brain could have just done that but you get a real sense in and loads of people have like a really shared experience about this

stuff right so ghost gets carried off by this fucking so just it's like a kaleidoscope right kaleidoscope of colors and everything's melting around and stuff like that and then this fucking giant serpentine thing just it picks me up right and starts and it's looking at me right and that sounds fucking terrifying because it was huge right and it's looking at me right and that sounds fucking terrifying because it was huge right and it's just got this like it's just the blackest thing i've ever seen this still makes more sense than every dream my beard ever tells me it makes me want to do drugs so much unreal right so i'm there and i'm looking at it and it's just communicating me but not with words it's just i know what it means and it's just telling me everything's gonna be all right right and i was like and then i come out of it it was literally

it made me believe in a fucking afterlife i was like that is where you go when you're dead i fucking i'm sure of it now that is like an unreal experience and milo had been kind of telling me and he went what did you see and i was like told him he went that's the cosmic serpent showed me loads of people have seen the same thing and i was like fuck that's weird right it's dead weird so milo goes again right this fucked my head this fucked me up bad because milo sat right he does it again and he sat you know milo he's chilled as fucking yeah yeah chilled as fuck so he's just he's on the chair and he's like and he just went and just screamed like the most visceral horrible I fucking shit myself then

imagine that in the middle of the night and everything's like fucking yoga music on and shit and everything's just really placid I'm in a really good space and he screamed and then he just fucking comes up into like a crab like his whole body seized up and I was like oh fuck what do I do here this has gone bad this has gone wrong and he starts speaking in tongues like he's going i mewn fel un o'r crab, fel bod ei holl fodd wedi'i gyflawni ac roedd yn dweud, o, ffyc, beth ydyn ni'n ei wneud yma, mae'r hyn wedi mynd yn ddewr, mae'r hyn wedi mynd yn wahanol ac mae'n dechrau siarad yn

ystod y llyfrau fel bod yn mynd, a dwi'n dweud, mae'n siarad yn y ffyc hwn ac rwy'n dweud, o, dwi ddim yn gwybod a yw i'w tachlu neu a yw i'w ddewr neu i'w ystyrru, dwi ddim yn gwybod beth i'w wneud a a yw rhaid i mi ddod i fyny i fyny yn ei llyfrau o ran stopio i mi ddewr ei llyfrau neu rhywbeth, rwy'n dweud, ffyc, beth ydyn ni'n ei wneud, fe wnaethon nhw edrych ar mi, iawn, ac roedd yn ddwy ar ôl ei glas, iawn, fe ddod a ddod a ffocwch i mi, iawn, gyda'r ffoc, ac dechrau siarad â fi yn y iaith hon, iawn, am ddwy munud o amser ac nid oeddwn i'n gallu symud, nid oeddwn i'n gallu symud, roeddwn i'n ffroes, roeddwn i'n ffoc, ac wedyn, fe ddododd yn ddiogel ac roedd yn dweud, a ddodd allan i mi, ond roedd, ac wedyn roedd, o, ddyn, dyna'r peth mwyaf ffoc, roedd yn teimlo fel just like and he come out of it but he went and he was like oh man that was the maddest thing i felt like i got possessed by something that was just fucking like i had the power of the universe something possessed me and it let me feel what it can do for a bit and then it but it told me i need

to give you a message that you just need to be nicer to yourself you need to stop hating yourself a little bit and i was like lad you've just been talking to me for a fucking two minutes in like some mad language and he was like fuck off and i was like well there's something in this shit like where's shayman kev during all this imagine if it turns out after all this that milo was just one you know mate i know well there's still there's a little part of me that kind of thought that so we shayman kev come about because i'd spoke to david about it david got onto this guy called shame and kev and i was like so he does like proper dmc ceremonies and he does all like the teachers meditation and stuff like that so we were like next time we do it because i didn't want that to happen again i was like next time we do it we go to a proper gaff and do it with someone who

knows what the fuck to do and proper dosage and stuff so he goes to this little he's on he's only in like bootle right we'll go proper place he's a proper go and see an expert that's the thing it's mad and you do you get in you're like i don't know about this you know because like he's a he's obviously like an ex-fighter like scally like but like he's just turned his life around and just took up yoga and like that and he's just turned his life around and just took up yoga and shit like that and he's just fucking got a dead good vibe

about something right put your energy straight away so he's like he goes sit down you're doing all these meditations with him and that and it's me Damo

my bird and Milo right goes one at a time and he's sat there and he's doing this like fucking reiki stuff right

again I'm like that's bollocks that's fucking someone like putting their hand like that that's fucking someone like putting their hand like that that's no effect on you at all is it really but like so he does the dmt and he sat like there on the floor cross-legged just like this right just making sure he says to make sure that you don't veer off the rails whatever like that so he has this mad strip right all the while

i keep like because if you come out of it, if you've got your eyes closed, you go to this other place, but if you come out of it, it just overlays onto the world. So, like, if you were here now, like, you'd just look like something else, do you know what I mean? But you'd be there, but you wouldn't be there kind of thing. I've told you I dream like that, haven't I? Like, sometimes, like...

Well, it's a similar... Like, I'll see, like, a fucking alien or something here, and, like, maybe's it's a similar dream like i'll see like a fucking alien or something here and like maybe like a fire here and an octopus over here and then i wake up and my bed's there and there's a tree there and the dog's over there yeah there's a there's a dead similar like shared stuff about it because like he kev has been like he's been teaching me meditation and stuff and he's really into you know Carl Young like all these archetypes like the mother and stuff like that and like I had a mad experience after it because I'd done the DMC the second time and he was there anyway I finished that because he was there right and I'm looking at him and he's just fucking whole heads on fire with this purple

like flames and he just looks dead and he's just like a dead calm and and I'm like okay every time I was like okay he's there and I said that to him when I come out of it and he's just like a dead calm, and I'm like, okay. Every time I was like, okay, he's there. And I said that to him when I come out of it, because he's got this little woman on his wall, like he's cross-legged with the chakras on her, and as I come out of it, I'm looking at her, and she just come off the picture and was looking at me, and it was just beautiful.

I saw mad blossoms of light. I said that to him, and Damo went, fuck, I saw the same thing. Damo saw the same thing, and he's like, yeah, that's my and Damo went, fuck, I saw the same thing. Like Damo saw the same thing. And he's like, yeah, that's my aura. That's my aura. Like that's like the, that's like the ground chakra. And I was like, wow, this is doing my head in this.

Cause I thought like, I don't know whether this, I don't know whether I believe in this shit now. And like, my head's just twisted up with it. And then I've always, I think I've spoke to you about this before. I've always had like sleep paralysis. I always get sleep paralysis. That happens to me if I get stressed or whatever. I don know if you ever had it or like what is it i've heard of it and i don't know when you go to sleep and you never had it oh i get it like fucking basically your brain tells your body to switch off so you don't act your

dreams out basically so it's just a safety thing right and sometimes if you're halfway up and your body doesn't kick in properly so you're just like you're paralysed basically and then you'll just be like you're fucking panicking because you're like oh fuck I don't know if I'm going to move here it's like you're stuck to the bed it's like you've become disabled

from the fucking eyelids down yeah yeah and then you just kind of go like that and your body kicks back in but and I've always flapped every single it's happened to me since I was a kid

and I've always panicked and panicked and panicked every time it's happened but I've been doing these meditations with him and it happened right and i just kind of thought okay just breathe through it just breathe through it and just kind of like stay calm and i did and i had a proper mad dmt like experience from that like i saw like this fucking oh because it's still in your system a bit it was it was yeah it wasn't as colorful but it was in like a dark place and it was it was yeah it wasn't as colorful but it was in like a dark place and it was absolutely me and i'm looking into a mirror right and there's

just like a cartoon joker right on the other side of the mirror looking back at me and smiling and i was like and then that changed and it was just a fella with a hoodie up with no face and i was like fucking and then i come out of it so i ran Kev the next day and I was like mate I've just I had this happen to me last night and he's like oh yeah they're the

Jungian archetypes of the Joker and the shadow self you're just like you're having a rebirth kind of thing and like my head's just

twisted up with it you know it's dead weird I really think you've named that show really fucking well I do I know but

because you've cheesed that fucking well. I do, I know, but that's what I said. Because you've cheesed that. If you'd have asked me to guess where this podcast was going to go, it wouldn't have been where you've just been for 10 minutes. I'm like, that's all my hippie knowledge. You're going to be there. But how can you not? Less than a year ago, I seen him be sick on his own shoes.

But I don't see how that is. It's going to change you though, isn't it? All see how that it's gonna change you though innit all of that stuff is gonna change you I've done it one more time since and like it's one of those things

though you don't feel like you need to do all the time it's not like a it's weird it's not like a real like a proper drug I wanna do it

I'm such I'll take you to see I would fucking love it yeah we'll go and see you just arrange childcare and then you know

yeah you're literally in and out five minutes and then it's like well you're there for a bit but like just in case jade's listening i'm not gonna go babe i'm not gonna do that do you know what like it's good for like tuesday tuesday you get like anxiety problems with you you get like anxiety don't you and shit like that right the last time i done it was only a week and a half ago it was the day after we ran out in Chester. So I'd woke up with a fucking hangover

and I get anxious when I've got a hangover, right? Oh, I do. And I was like, I don't know. But I told my mate, I'd take him to do it. I got there and he'd done it. He loved it. And then he was like, having a go. And I was like, I don't know.

I don't know, you know, I feel a bit anxious. He does this thing called a resource. It's hard to go through. I'll butcher it if I try and explain it. But it's like, it's a really good way of alleviating your anxiety. And it kind of worked, right? But you're like me, do you know what I mean?

You've got one of them in the voices that tries to sabotage you all the time. So I'm like, I does the DMT, and as I'm sinking under, just fucking thought popped into my head, that anxiety's going to come back and I'm going to have a fucking terrible one here, right? And as soon as I thought that,

this anxiety just went poof, and just popped into my chest, and was like oh shit and i could just feel it and it just rattled i've never felt anything like it as i was going under this anxiety just took me whole body i was just shaking it was like i was in an earthquake of anxiety right it was just mad and i got swept up by this woman right this big giant blue woman swept me up and put me in a womb jesus christ i was just cradling a like pregnant belly and i could see it right and there's just pyramids everywhere and it was just i went my sky blue and i've never felt like anything like it like i was in heaven anxiety gone completely like as soon as she swept me up it just went and it was like I didn't want to come back

and I'd gone I was like what shall I do and she's just like don't worry and she's just laughing at me as if I'm a fucking idiot for even worrying about anything

and she's like I want to do it and then she was just like go on and she just she waved at me and I just shot out of it Adam I want to do it

I am terrified of the notion of doing it it's honestly the most beautiful thing i've ever seen if you've been going up the one thing i will say is if you've been going a lot to see shame and kev don't set up a fucking direct debit for the love of god i've been there before mate i'd should we we need to do a couple of bits to we need to have an adverts i need to have a

piss and we probably need to change the memory card in the camera because that was fucking lengthy sorry I just went off no I loved it no in a good way I want Shane and Kev's

fucking number I should really give him an alias I don't know whether he does it's fully legal but no it doesn't sound

totally right come to Bootle and you're gonna get fucking check out my he's the best guy though the first time we were going to him we wereotle and you're gonna get fucking check out my he's the best guy though the first time

we were going to him we were like hey we're gonna be about half an hour late and he went time is an

illusion I was like yeah I bet you've had nightmares with train travel then that's funny

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feeling triggered. It must be Have A Word with Adam and Dave. Oh, it's time for Have A Word. Can I play it? You can't hear it because you're not wearing headphones, but it's fun. We have a theme song. Let's do some Would You Rathers, though, before.

We can't have a first guest on. I've got a couple. Without doing some WYRs. So thanks to everyone, as always, who sends all this stuff in. We asked a few years whether you wanted to whether you wanted us to ask Paul Smith some of the would you rathers that we've done in the past to get his perspective on it.

We've picked two that a lot of you has asked for for that and we've also got a brand new would you rather submission from Dan Johnson. Thanks Dan. And a couple of other words to come as well. You ready Paul? Ready when you are mate. So basic rules would you rather. Two options. You only get to pick when you are mate. Basic rules. Would you rather. Two options.

You only get to pick one. Can't pick the other. You have to pick one. Would you rather and this is a classic be able to run at 100mph or fly at 10mph? Or

fly. Thank you, this fucking moron. Because if you can run at 100 mile an hour, you're definitely going to hit something, aren't you? No. You're going to die. Because you can fly, you can just take in the fucking atmosphere. You can just take in the sights and that.

Listen, this is classic DMT chat. I can fucking fly. I just need to go and see Kev. I'm fucking going now. I'll be flying back from fucking Runcorn. Listen, just because you can run at 100 miles an hour doesn't mean you're like, oh shit, I need to get the bus. You're not like instantly into 100 miles an hour.

You've got control over it. Yeah, but that's fucking shit, isn't it? No, you just choose when to run 100 miles an hour. You win every Olympic race I got bored with it in about two weeks because just because you can

go dead fast but you're stuck in a 30 mile if you can't actually go dead fast because you're stuck in a 30 mile if you can't run

100 miles an hour all the time there's no point being able to run 100 miles an hour just on the track mate just on the track

that's why I'll be doing my 100 miles so you're picking 100 miles an hour just for sporting purposes well but then you just win once you've won a couple of times you're like this is boring hour Just for sporting purposes Well But then you just win

Once you've won a couple of times You're like this is boring No because I just always win Oh yeah Winning the Olympics Would be dead fucking boring If you had 65 gold medals And you're just like yeah

And everyone's No one wants to run anymore Because fucking Nightingale's here 100 miles an hour Getting sponsored by Virgin Nah me and Ro Will be fucking cruising Over the lakes going Yeah but 10 miles an hour Tuesday 10 miles an hour 10 miles an hour getting sponsored by Virgin nah me and Ro will be fucking cruising over the lakes

yeah but 10 miles an hour 10 miles an hour like a balloon in a breeze yeah people love air ballooning mate people love

air ballooning 10 miles an hour is not a balloon in a breeze you can't run 10 miles an hour what I reckon he can

run 10 miles an hour just about maybe like right for about 10 yards you cunts in a car park. There's no way that you average out at 10 miles an hour. Nah. What?

You're having a laugh. What do I? You're having a laugh. Yeah, I'm trying. Nah, you probably, if you, what can you do? I'm about four, five. I'm slow. Yeah, so am I.

I'm a fat man. I'm a half marathon, which is 12, and it took me two hours. Two hours, five, I'm slow. Yeah, so am I. I'm a fat man and I'm not getting fat. I did a half marathon, which is 12, and it took me two hours. Two hours, five, I think. Right. That's healthy. Yeah, so that's like six miles an hour, isn't it? And he was trying his best as well.

And look at him and look at you. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut me! Laura texted me before and said, I need to start making some weight digs because she wants you to get on a diet

I swear to god she's fattening me up for the fucking life insurance not once has she been like darling you're fat as fuck now come on you lost weight you put it back on

she just keeps going you do you love I'm literally watching her go I'm young enough for a second husband I can see it just pour them pour them fucking weight gain

down your neck while you're asleep have another vanilla slice yesterday I saved myself enough calories. So I'm trying to diet at around 1,800 calories a day at the minute. Okay. Which is enough for a calorie deficit, but I'm not breaking me back sort of thing.

I saved myself enough calories for, you know, have you seen that Halo Top ice cream? That's boss that, innit? Yeah. I got a peanut butter yesterday. Isn't that the fucking best one mate I have one of them with me 320 calories

in the whole fucking tub it's unreal though and it's Ben and Jerry's size tub 320 calories 100% as good as

ice cream innit yeah that peanut butter one it's got little peanuts in it what the fuck has happened to us fucking he's on DMT and YouTube

fucking Liverpool comments going oh my god it's low calorie have you tried peanut butter oh my god it's amazing next question

I could fly I guarantee he's gonna buy a fucking sub of this this week I've had his own in the Tesco going

like it's phenomenal and Jade fucking 320 calories in the whole tub she snatched, it's phenomenal. And Jade, fucking 320 calories in the whole tub. She snatched it off me halfway through and said,

that's enough. Put it back in the freezer. Nah, nah. To be fair, in her defense, I said to her a while back, because I'd had a few of them lately, right?

Where I've got to the end of the day and I've got like 500 calories left, I've gone, I'll just have a fucking tub of ice cream. Sound, right? I said to her, don't let me buy that anymore because if it's in the house, I'm going to eat it.

And then yesterday, I had a fucking bad day. I just had a shit fucking day. I was in a shit mood. I lost loads of motivation and I thought, do you know what? Don't ruin your diet with something horrible, but go and get yourself a tub of that Halo Top, right? I went to driving range,

so I could just twat some balls for a bit, get a bit of anger out. And as I got back towards the house, I made that decision. And I pulled up onto the side of the road and I rang Jade and said, will you come to shop with me? And she said, oh no, I can't be arsed.

I went, come on, come to shop with me. I don't want to buy naughty stuff. And she said, no, I don't want to go. And I went, all right, sounds. And I thought, fuck yeah. I thought, if you're not going to be there, I'm buying it. Because all I asked you to do is stop me buying it.

Once I've bought it, it's fucking mine to do whatever I couldn't want with. And she fucking robbed it off me halfway through. And then she did that. You can have it back if you want. You can have it back if you want. If him and Jade last long, long term. It sounds fucking. And I hid it.

I got it. And I put it in the back of the freezer. And I wrote a letter. I'll fucking kill you if you touch me halo kiss kiss kiss they are one of them couples who like i can imagine going in one day and there's blood everywhere and jade just going i didn't mean it i didn't mean it just happened i killed him with a spoon from the halo ice cream just sat there for three weeks and he's just a fucking like blue and she's just holding him going, come on Adam. Have you been running? I agree.

Trying to feed you the halo so you can have it now. Have you been running still? No. Never mind about 100 miles an hour. Are you running? You're just weights. I do car... I'll do car, like a little bag or I'll do like a circuit or something. I stopped running when I stood hit a bag or I'll do like a circuit

I stopped running when I stood on that bag of needles which is a fucking ridiculous sentence stood on that bag of needles and I got basically Google said don't fucking get a bath and don't run for ages so I didn't

he actually said he are lads he's on scouts google don't watch it don't move stay the fuck way up have yourself a tub of ice cream lad have a chill

little fucking pass by I think you should be seeing google it's way more supportive yeah so it said not to do that so I just stopped and then then we got busy building this place so I didn't have any time to exercise I was just trying to do that so I just stopped and then then we got busy

building this place so I didn't have any time to exercise I was just trying to do well on my food and I just haven't gone back to it yet watching you have a KFC

for the first time here when we were middle of the build you should have seen me with that fucking dominoes you know like let myself have a treat dominoes I

thought something was going to actually come you know like there was a moment when I was like I was like oh this could be a wet dream this like garlic and herb let's do another would you rather oh oh oh yeah and i know you're a fucking massive pizza guy mate you know what i after i when i got home the other night I bought myself two 16 inch pizzas and anamite for me and I don't know why I did it

I don't eat them have you ever been on a night out with him have you ever been on a night out with him do you know what he does the double chips I'm horrible yeah two portions of chips one for when he's walking to his taxi because then when some

fucking stupid cunt's like here's one for when he's walking to his taxi because then when some fucking stupid cunt's like here's a chip lad he's all angel face I've made him come to another chippy to get more chips because I can't eat

the pizza without chips this is the only reason I don't like dominoes that much because there's no chips and the wedges are shit the wedges aren't chips wedges are shite

okay why did you buy two pizzas with doner meat on because what I like to do is this is my new thing and I'm fucking are you making a butty I make a but two pizzas with doner meat on because what I like to do is this is my new thing and I'm

fucking are you making a butty I make a butty with the doner meat so you get one slice of one pizza yeah

one slice of another and then put loads of doner meat in the middle I love it do you see how I knew I've never heard of that in my life

it's fucking unreal and I knew on instinct what he was doing it's the most disgusting thing it's disgusting but it's so right as well.

Like, it's fucking delightful. If you eat that sober, you need a doctor. If someone, even if, you know, like the Iranian guys who work in those shops, if you order one, you know when they open up early, they're clearly not selling anything. It's like 4pm and they're doing the prep. If you walked in, can I have, don't want to meet, like a, you know, like a pie sandwich

I don't think we should sell this it's not so different to a kebab is it it's just you've made the kebab it is a bit a little bit

different why is it different very different it's bread isn't it it's bread cheese meat and more meat

oh god how do you look like that when you're buying that shite there's loads of juice in it oh yeah yeah get on the fucking

roids mate shame and care fucking roids, mate. Shame and Kev and fucking roidy gas. Because you asked me a couple of months ago, didn't you? And I've tried every fucking diet on the planet, like every single one. And they all work to an extent. But I think the best thing I've figured out is that I'm going to eat shit

because I'm from a fucking council estate. And it's just the way i comfort eat is fucking like chicken dippers and shit preach brother like crap preach i mean so like i'm gonna do it at points i'm gonna have a bevy and i'm gonna eat shit so just try and factor the factor that in because what i what i've done for years has gone like i've tried to be fucking all kale shakes and fucking salads and that and then i'll fall off the wagon and have a bevy and have a fucking kebab in there. And then I'm like, oh, I fucked it now.

I might as well just go fast. Bondi swears by intermittent fasting for that. If you go long enough, you can smash some shit and your body's just like so short of... I've done intermittent fasting for like six hour window for about, well, started last January and it only stopped about two, three months ago because I started actually bulking for the first time ever.

Oh, yeah. We've been bulking. What I was going to ask you, though, because Sarah Millican posted about this on Twitter, right, and Jade does it as well. You know when you eat a pizza? Yeah. Let's say it's just a normal day.

You're not drunk. You're just having a pizza. Yeah. Right? Another very outer crust. You've just got classic crust. It's not got fucking a cheeseburger or whatever fucking shite you do now.

It's just a normal pizza do you eat the crust erm not all of them what I will do is I'll eat the pizza and then if I'm still hungry I'll go around and just nibble the crust

and you can use that for the dips that's why the dips are nice sometimes you save them for the dip yeah yeah yeah okay cool I'm just glad

that I can stay friends with both of you is that what you do what I do is I do eat the whole slice, but then Jade doesn't eat any of the crusts, and I use air crusts to dip in the garlic sauce. If I'm not going to smash the whole thing, I know I've not got the appetite for a whole pizza.

I would rather eat the shit with toppings on. Yeah. But if I'm still hungry, I'm not leaving the bread for the fucking sake of it. I will smash the lot. God if I'm yeah if I'm still hungry I'm not leaving the bread for the fucking sake of it I will smash the lot God I'm hungry I want to do drugs

and get pizza does Shaman Kev like have some fucking Shaman Kev is above a Papa John's Shaman is the empty

condom fucking hell what did your pizza get delivered by a fucking serpent right driving a fucking Citroen Saxo Fucking hell. What did your pizza get delivered by? A fucking serpent, right? Driving a fucking Citroen Saxo.

Always a Saxo. I could lose, I could lose. Another, I want it. Another, another. Would you rather. It was good, that. I like doing these to other people. It gives them a whole new lease of life. Would you rather.

We're not sure these are the exact details we did the first time around but it's similar. Would you rather have 200 grand put in your bank now and your life

will carry on as it is. No restrictions at all. No questions asked. No tax. That's yours. Hey, that's yours. Or

10 million put in your bank but you can never leave wales you can never leave rill no no no no no no no no no no because i want to see the reasoning i'd get a good gaffing like somewhere nice on the coast of wales for seven mil but if you've got i'm not staying in rill for 10 mil me right hang on I this is so weird because when we did it

I was like mate you'd just be the king of Wales you'd be you'd be wealthy I'd take it anytime but Adam was like no can't see it

no I can't fucking see it you were like couldn't but you're instantly you can never leave Wales you can't go on holiday again so like you can never go abroad again you can never go and see again. So, like, you can never go abroad again.

You can never go and see Shane and Kev. You can bring Kev to me. Yes. You could bring Kev to you, but, like, where you're going to live, you're thinking, like, in the middle of Wales on the coast. Do you know what? I could buy a castle in Wales for 10 million. Exactly what we've been saying.

You can buy a castle in Wales. I've looked at this shit. You can buy a castle in Wales for, like, 1.2. Easy. Would you want to live in a castle, though? There's a castle in Wales. I've looked at this shit. You can buy a castle in Wales for like 1.2. Easy. Would you want to live in a castle though? There's a castle in Wales that was for sale last year. Imagine the fucking bills there though. It was on its own island.

It had a moat. I'd have sharks and shit in the moat in there. Hey, you know what we were talking about before about DMT? I don't think you want to be doing DMT in a castle. I think that, you know, when you're offsetting it with what you're looking at, that could fuck you up. What are they saying about? Like Shaman Kev wouldn't go to aborist with you were like hey

shaman kev's not gonna fucking travel not a chance to aborist with it of course he fucking went one of my new favorite things to do right because like people if you if you go around house viewing right you've got to like fucking like if i'd never come across this before because like the house i bought it's been like like the house i'm in now is worth like 250 or something like that so when you go and look at that it's sound but if you start looking at houses over like six seven hundred grand you start being a bit fucking funny with it they're like have you qualified for this yet you mean because you don't want people to waste the time right but just turn it like that's what it is because people just go I want to go

and fucking have a look around this dead nice house one of the best things I've found about having a little bit of fame is that people just

think you can afford shit right so I've been taking the baby and going viewing like mansions and just getting tours of mansions

and I went to this gaff by Crosby it's the fucking set of like the Tolkien film this guy's got this fucking big awesome mansions and I went to this gaff by Crosby. What? It's the fucking set of like, you know, the Tolkien film. This guy's got this fucking big,

like this row of houses were built by the fella who owned the White Star Line. So the captain of the Titanic had the house on the end, right? Right. And then he had the house

fucking on this end, right? And then the guy who designed, no, the guy who designed them, the architect, had the big fuck off house in the middle,

right? So this guy who's bought it, he's kept it, like, Victorian, because he uses it as a movie set, right? And I was like, I seen it listed for, like, 1.3 million, and I was like, I'm going to have a look at this, man. I'm going to have a look at this. So I rang him up, and he was like, have you qualified? And I was like, I always give it, like, nah, because, you know what?

This keeps happening to me, and I keep getting, like, like mortgages in principle and it's affecting my credit rating and when i get a mortgage for 1.3 like it's gonna be fucking it's it's really it's like even that extra couple at like 0.2 percent on that much of a mortgage it's gonna make a difference in payments you know what i mean so like i'd rather see it first and know that i want it before i get the mortgage in principle and they're like oh yeah yeah i didn't think about it that way yeah yeah and then i tell him told him where it was and he was like he come back to me he's like yeah the fella's really excited to meet you and stuff like that so the guy was there himself he gave me the full tour he's gave me like telling me the history of the house and had servants quarters and shit

it was fucking unreal it was absolutely amazing see i've got a bit of profile as well when i bought my new car last week, fucking full tank of gas. He showed you all around the car. What car did you get? Kia Sportage. Nice. Big fella. Sportage.

Showed me the boot. Got a spare tyre. Have you? In the boot. You don't really get them anymore, do you? Got a new set of mats. Space server. He gave me one of those fucking key rings for the trolley at Asda.

Mate, he was just talking about Tolkien's Victorian mansion, and you're like, and it's got windscreen wipers, soup on the front. Lights. The air con works. The air con does work. Would you run a gig if you bought your castle just off the coast of North Wales?

Would you not still run a gig? Because if I had 10 million... You'd have to ring Rob Riley first to see if he's got one within 100 miles. Some promoter like, hello? I would, but I wouldn't be able to just leave comedy. I'd be in Wales, but I'd still want to see... Even if it was just a monthly fucking Wednesday.

Yeah, I'd just get... Pay 800 quid. Hot water comedy in Wales somewhere. I'd do that. So you're taking the 10 million staying in Wales I'd do that yeah we basically live in Wales now but you can leave it's not about living there I could live in Wales

I wouldn't want to be confined to you didn't go abroad to Europe after like 2 years ago or something your life wouldn't have been any different you'd have just had 10 million quid but you can only

you can't be a comedian anymore you can only do a tour of Wales he's doing 29 nights in Cardiff fuck you know Cardiff's a good

gaff to do gigs though yeah but yeah of course it is you can't sell 29 nights could have had 10 million quid how? why?

what would you do? That's a lot of Facebook adverts, that. Yeah. And then you're just stuck in Wales. The problem is, you give Paul Blair 10 million quid, he can sell anything. Yeah.

Do you know what I thought before? I nearly said this before, but we went way deep into the conversation. When we were talking about Paul Blair, who, for those who forgot or don't know, is the owner of Hot Water Comedy Club and the way we're talking about him and we're not lying

he can sell anything brilliant businessman and he was the one who advised me and you on which stocks and shares to buy he bought shares in McDonald's sounds like a sensible guy doesn't he does doesn't he I'd just love to take like 10 of our listeners

put them in a room with him after 6 Jack Daniels and Co and just watched their perception of this man unfold this is a man I've never been on a night out

with Paul Blair where he hasn't at some point tried to rap Battle of Stranger leave it Paul leave it it's weird

he goes from being so sensible and you'll just see it's his eyes innit It's his fringe now Right His fringe is gone Like his fringe just starts

Flopping down his head And you're like Ah he's had it yet He's had it Give me a beat Give me a beat With his little Hitler hat He just starts rap battling

And he goes dead funny And then he just gets his shoes off And puts them on his hands And starts going... I showed you that photo of him in Berlin. What? He does not. He starts being a boxer in China. And he just disappeared, right?

Willis in this room. And all we could hear was... And we're like, what the fuck is that? And he's just in the fucking corridor with his flip-flops on his hand, just boxing him up. He doesn't do drugs. He doesn't. It's no drugs.

It's all just alcohol. Because he's got a weird metabolism, right? He's one of them people who's like a natural athlete. So he's just got a dead fucking weird metabolism, right? So if you went out with him today, he'd drink all of us under the table. And he's the first one off and he wants to go out again. So easy.

And then he wakes up the next day fresh as fuck. But it's because I don't think he processes the alcohol at all so then tomorrow so if you go on a three-day bender with him it's a nightmare because tomorrow we look like we'd all go out today if we were on like a stag do whatever we'd all get smashed we'll fall asleep we wake up rough tomorrow we're like fucking hell i feel like dying you'd have a couple of bevvies you'd be all right you'd be back on it. And he'd start again. Whereas he has two bevies and he's back at the level he was

at three o'clock in the morning. We were talking about this before, about holiday boozing. Go on. So, on his stag do in Berlin, I'll just show you it. I'll speak to Blair before I put it online anyway. But Blair and Davey Ash got sent home

and we got a phone call hours later because they'd set the fire alarm off in the hotel and the whole hotel had been evacuated. I've seen that picture. It should be framed. He's on this fucking wall. He's one of the most successful comedy promoters in the history of British comedy.

And he looks like a fucking numpty. He's one of my favourite people in the world. He's absolutely amazing. And he's a genius as well. Yeah. Yeah, just fucking... He just likes to go mad from time to time time to time do you know about

six months after they had the baby I went on a night out with him and I've known him for ten years the exact same amount of time I've known you and that was the first time ever this was like two years ago Max

that he said the words to me lad I'm getting off yeah I've never outlasted you're both like that though see I'm the opposite I'm always I'm getting off

but you and him are like no no I'm not getting off like Adam you've been sick seven times yeah I've been left in town you need to go

he's like I'm not going I'm not going I'm not getting off you're a fucking nightmare yeah funny I'm not getting off You're a fucking nightmare Yeah Funny I can't do it You're a fucking nightmare

Does this not make you want to Like the shutdown I haven't been boozing With mates for a while But the shutdown And not being able to Has made me want to go out With the lads so much

Last week We had such Because that's the first time I'd seen Blair or Danny Or anyone for like three months We just had the pint in Chester Ah it was the best I had such a good time I'm ready Did you stay or anyone for like three months. We just had the pint in chest there. Ah, it was the best. I had a fucking such a good time. Did you stay out?

No, I got off after the gig. I didn't see you after you went to the pub. I went for the gig, because I'm doing the gig this week. I wanted to watch it and see how it did and how the comics approached it, because it's really the pride in stand-up. I don't want to be the guy

who just makes the rookie mistake that someone didn't the week before so I only I didn't know yous were going out for a drink drink

I came over for the show but I promised myself when I went out the night Liverpool won the league I went to ground to celebrate

at Anfield I said after that I'm not drinking until Carl gets home and I haven't and there's like seven days left now and then I'm going to have a drink and I'm not drinking until Carl gets home and I haven't and there's like seven days left now and then I'm going to

have a drink I'm having a pint later I don't want to do it I don't want to do it I want to just get back I said I said I would make an exception if I do a gig before

see I'll come to Chester if we're getting on it oh fuck off I'll go for a pint if you want what I'll have to take my car home won't I

what are you getting back from Chester I'm not going if you're going'll have to take my car home won't I what are you getting back from Chester I'm not going if you're going to have two and then drive home well well this is the most

exciting thing I've ever heard yeah Laura's going to be fuming when I'm like darling you know I've been out all day doing a podcast well I'm going out

oh let's go out mate I live in Chester let's go out I'm up for it I'm going 100% up for it I'm actually in the mood yeah

let me press the buttons mama like that mama like that I've got one in the house we'll go by mine I'll follow you to yours I'll take you from yours to mine and then we'll get a taxi over from mine

we need to do have a word because all of a sudden this became the best day of my life right there's there's one more would you rather and then we'll get a taxi over from mine. We need to do have a word because all of a sudden this became the best day of my life. Right, there's one more would you rather and then we'll do a have a word. One more, okay? So, would you rather get an erection every time you tell a lie,

this is a proper full mast, as big as it gets erection, or you sneeze every time someone says your name and you hear it. And this would include if someone on the telly says Paul Smith, if you're passing them in the streets, if someone goes, that's Paul Smith over there, and you hear it. You sneeze. And when you're being announced on stage, you would sneeze.

And it's not a cute sneeze. It's a full-body sneeze where your legs and arms go. I'd take the erections, me. Would you? Yeah, I think it's the safer cute sneeze it's a it's a full like a full body sneeze where your legs and arms go the erections me would you yeah i think it's the safer option isn't it because i think you'd learn to live with that you'd learn to live with just being and you'd have an excuse for being horribly honest as well because you'd be like well i'm gonna get a fucking massive hard on if i'm not so i'm just gonna i'm just gonna have to tell you that i think you look shit in that dress but like if you're to sneeze all the time, I think some cunt could use that against you.

The thing is though, if you're driving or something, and you just crash your car or something. See, you're fucked up there though, because you could still get away with that with your missus. If she's like,

what do I look like in this dress? And you lie and go, you look fucking amazing. And then you get an erection. You can go. Fuck! Look, it's that good. This is such a convoluted. It's that good. You look high. I've never been this hard. Fuck Look mate

It's that good This is such a This is that good You look high I've never been This hard in my life Do you really think so Yes I do

I mean look at me love Fucking speaks for itself Don't he Fucking look at me And do you think I've lost weight Yeah Do you think I've lost weight? Yeah. Do you like me, Ma?

Hey, you're not going to stop that, eh? You're not going to fucking stop that. I don't know about that. No, no, you're not going to stop that. It's time I have a word. Go on, play it. No one can hear it. No one's got their headphones on.

Everyone else can hear it. Listeners can. It's time I have a word. Do you know that we do this? We're trying to solve people's problems. Go on, play it. No one can hear it. No one's got their headphones on. Everyone else can hear it. Listeners can. Do you know that we do this? We're trying to solve people's problems. We've never helped. Once. We helped once.

I reckon we've helped a couple of times. We've done 76 episodes, Adam. Right, so we've already covered drugs and lasses. Should we do the racism one? Oh, Jesus. Okay, here we go. All right, lads. I'd like you to have a word with my daft cunt of a brother.

Our listeners are all this aggressive, by the way. Long story short, I was accused of being racist due to a massive misunderstanding. I mean, we've all been there. Yeah. We'll see. I was doing this streamed quiz on youtube with some mates when an account called karan japit so it's k-a-r-a-n-j-a-p-i-t all one word started complaining about the questions on the chat and i couldn't pass up this seemingly open goal and responded it's funny how the the person called Karen is the one complaining.

They said, it's not Karen. And I said, well, your name's misspelled then. Your ma needed grammar for the birth certificate. I was just being proper childish and making a joke. And they said, it's Karanja Pitt. It's a Punjabi name. How does it feel being

racist? For one, that's bullshit. Easy mistake to make. Feel free to disagree. That's not the problem, though. The problem was my shitebag of a brother who heard this go on and joined the chat. A chat that had people from all ethnicities on my uni course in it.

And he publicly said, you are right, Karen, I'm Harry's brother and he hates Jews and blacks needless to say you know that's Cain Brown needless to say I had a lot of cleaning up

to do in my DMs that night with people asking if this is true he claims it was a joke and everyone should have realised it's a joke he listens to the podcast religiously so tell him he shite at writing jokes and that he's a massive

fucking bell sniff and while you're there have a word with Karen for being a virtue signalling pussy. Cheers lads from Harry Robinson. Go on boys.

Do you want to? Well I mean I feel like it is funny. It is funny innit? I think it is it's an easy mistake to me because i've been like i've been doing a lot of twitch streaming and i've hosted one of them quizzes and the names are popping up and they're all fucking mad names aren't they so like it's easy to just you're just glancing at them aren't you oh the karanja pits so it's easy to think that was karen because that would pop out like a word and also like it's a play on words and he's not saying everyone with carangipit is like a

bad person i don't think that's racist i think that's a bit oh no she's definitely i'm talking about the brother yeah the brother going yeah he hates blacks and jews that is funny it's just not the right time for the funny i don't know about about that. I think it's funny as well. I think that type of banter, it relies on so much trust. You basically have to know someone isn't a racist to be able to do ironic racism. There has to be that trust that you're like, yeah, as soon as you think it's with someone who's racist

or you don't know that it's too high risk. What's your least favorite race of people you've fucking done that to me on instagram live and i'm like it's white people because all the disgusting things we've done next question white people are next i'm sorry we are the default i can't hear of your privilege i i love this podcast but i also love dave longley's podcast that's the other yeah my other favorite comedy podcast right good save there paul i've tried i've tried i've i've tried to introduce it to like i've said this to him as well because i've been on it a couple of times and he's like we don't fucking share it i'm like because i can't

because if people don't know you and know how fucking unracist you are if you listen to that people are gonna assume you're a horrible racist because you say some horrible shit on there and he looks like there's got to be an element of trust as soon as the trust goes yeah and the brothers come in doing banter and it's too hard the band that is brother that's the kind of if you have that joke with your brother or with your mates That's fine But over a Zoom A uni course Zoom meeting That is a nightmare

And also Of all the institutions That are hyper sensitive For that Does it not matter Why he hates them Universities Are the

Are the actual The Mate I just I just watched you I just I literally It's making me nervous because

Harry's message, he's one of our biggest contributors and I almost feel like I know him and I like the joke. It's a funny joke, but the brother's

just smashed in and done it the wrong time. Nah, I reckon his brother, you played a blind there, kid. So, over to Paul deciding about...

I think it was a funny joke done in the wrong moment yeah it probably was yeah but that's the thing in it you've been out with mates who you love to bits and they don't know when to judge that's a moment trusted whatsapp group joke that yeah yeah yeah along with stock prices for oil yeah yeah yeah yeah I uh I'm all for it but just time and a place

my dad used to do that when we were kids time and a place fucking grumpy shit when we were kids time and there's a time and a place oh I've never told you

about this it's not it's not exactly the same thing but my uncle on so it's my mum's sister's husband his name's Carl

and uh one year on Christmas day this is 100% true. And I can't believe I've never mentioned this on the podcast. One year on Christmas Day. So he's got a son from before he was married to me auntie, right? And me and him are of a similar age. He's a couple of years older, maybe 18 months or something. And he was like, hey, do you want to come in here?

I'll show you something on a computer and he put a video on that was a gangbang right a full-blown gangbang i was about 13 and the other lad is like 14 15 and he put a full-blown gangbang on and then went and told my mum and dad for a joke that i was watching a gangbang in the computer room and waited until after i was told off to go oh i did that was just a joke yeah i think that's funny that's pretty funny my mate bondy was looking at porn was looking at porn on his dad's computer his dad worked out that he'd been looking at porn and he blamed me for it bondy bondy just went oh yeah it was danny and i and i had such a bad reputation in that family that bondy's dad went right we'll tell him to keep off my computer that was 1998 and he's still not fucking admitted that it was him. And the other day, you know when you're catching up with mates on...

I don't know if they're listening to this now going... Honestly, I messaged him the other day, tried to ring him and it went to voicemail. He sent me a message and was like, sorry mate, just out fishing with my dad. So I'll call you later. It's not really the right time. I was like, absolutely no worries.

I was like, do you think it's time to admit about that fucking porn on the computer? I know it's 22 years later, but i'd like that off my fucking personal record with your family nothing back shit bag won't do it just let it go 22 years send them the episode and the time stamp sorted i think you should do that i don't want i don't want keith bond to listen to the rest of the episode i think i'd literally win the point for like oh he didn't watch porn what the fuck is he saying i'm into it i see you watch porn on a computer in 1998 yeah that's what i think yeah easily no i don't think i watch porn on a computer so fucking post

2000s what were you doing let me let me have a look let me have a little look at it let me check the time stamp on that I'm not trying to call you to fuck no no no no it all happened I'm not 100% when it happened

it might have it might have been when we were back from uni sort of like 2000 2001 it's it's fucking

ages ago it was when Bondi lived with his parents so he was either back from uni but in and around it's not like if it changes to 2001 everyone's gonna be like oh fucking hell dan give him time to come clean i was thinking back and i was thinking i'm sure i still had vhs's then

did you have porn on video uh mate i weirdly i thought about this today because i parked by moorfield the first porn i ever bought was from i had to go into the porn shop by it's called private by moorfield fiction 45 quid a video it was right and i brought him i still remember it was amateur british slut uh god and it was like 45 for the amateur stuff i'm into the amateur stuff though i like i like it so yeah same here yeah yeah i don't like it all i don't i even like it i even like the late i've said this before i like it when you can see the reality of like car keys on the side and i almost like that look of regret as well like bloody hell what am i doing the first time i ever saw you know like we're talking about fact like we've made me make me

best mates from school when we were about fucking must have been oh 12 found his mum and dad's porn it was a red video right and you feel like we fucking put it in right we had fucking we'd wedge the chair up against the door so no one could come in because they were having like a party downstairs oh my god that's high-risk yeah yeah we put it on mate i wish i'd never ever watched it it was the most fucking extreme porn it's still to this day some of the most extreme porn

I've ever seen that's with the internet I don't reckon it would come close to the stuff I watch when I'm on Gover mate it was no no no

but this is a fucking unbelievably like there was this woman getting absolutely like because he was a black fella

and she was a white woman right so it was all black like interracial porn right and it was like six of the fucking biggest black dudes these fucking big massive dicks she was a white woman he was a black man and then i still remember it to this day i still remember they got a glass slapped that on the belly and all the cum just come out and we were both sat there like going just traumatised

what's that called what's that what's that called slapping them on the belly that's gotta have a name you know like Arabian thingy goggles when you

tea bag what's the slap on the belly and the empty the hoover what what what what

what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what to the hoover there's the meme what are we doing with our life oh god right that's a longest podcast we've ever done

these ones we're guessing are going to be absolutely epic. Why would we get Paul here to be like, listen, just keep it tight. Hey, you know your DMT story? Red light on 20. He'd fucking run it anyway. We'll get to that next time he's on.

Empty in the Hoover. Go and check Paul's stand-up post. I'm sure you already have. He's got fucking hours and hours of it on YouTube and he will be going on tour as soon as lockdown's over thanks for coming on nice one Luke

bye Felicia bye everyone bye