Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #77 - IN STUDIO - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: July 27, 2020

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Show me muscle again. Oh, Hercules, Hercules. Oh, you think that? This is your ally. Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? Don't chat to me. Follow us on social media at Have A Word Pod. And don't forget to watch our very funny podcast videos on YouTube. You can subscribe at youtube.com forward slash have a word pod.

They go by Alan and Dave, Aaron and Dean, Grandad and the Yeti, or even Chanel and Denise. Have a word. Good afternoon. Good evening. Hello. Welcome to the new news show with Adam Rowe and Dan Nightingale. Today in Basra, a woman got bombed to death. Oh, it was a pride bombing. A what? I don't know. How did you go from, I know you were doing like made up news and then you went Basra and you were like yeah yeah yeah Iraq

this is news and then you then you bottled it and went bumming so quickly it's like the story fell apart and became a bumming

that's what we do on this podcast we're just pretty zany Adam are we we don't know where it's gonna go because we've not prepared

we need a button for that wait oh oh how have you been aye We don't know where it's going to go. We've not prepared it. We need a button for that. Why? Oh. Oh. How have you been? I can... You're blurry to me. That's how tired I am.

I'm scared of driving home. Daylight. I'm not... That's when you know you're old when you're shitting it about a little bit of rain. Oh, God. I feel run down and unhealthy and i i'm not gonna blame this podcast studio because i fucking love this podcast studio but that was the start of me going i'm just working

so hard i'm bloody i'm here i'm watching adam's dad do wallpapering i'm doing four to five hour shifts so it's become a convenient scapegoat and i just said shit didn't like i yeah and then that has finished the podcast studio is done it's been done two weeks and i have just kept on that like bad food diet and and today i just felt this just crappy so i've got that feeling of like i'm'm going to start eating healthier. I mean, not tonight. That'd be ridiculous. In the morning. That's how I feel. I just feel like, you fucking pig.

Sort it out. Have a salad. When you go healthy, what do you eat? How do you do it? Because you've done it before. I know you did. Was it called the Cambridge White Plant? It was, Adam. And I will tell you all about it if you want.

Are you being serious? No. Because it was my weight loss journey. And I found my way back it was an amazing journey to cambridge to skinny you treat your weight like a fucking inspirational quote about love if you love something let it go and if it was yours it will come back and if it doesn't it was never yours anyway and it turns out you love your tits. Oh, they've come back. Oh, it's so familiar. Oh, breathlessness while I'm tying my shoelaces.

That old friend. I can't tie both of my shoes one after the other without coming up for air. I tie shoes like most people go swimming. He's been down there 45 seconds. Get the bends from tying your fucking shoelaces i think velcro is a is that a fat man's option on shoes yeah i think velcro could be your option i'm telling you right now and then down get a snorkel get down there and then you're up

if anyone isn't already where dan wears y Y-fronts underwear. You can't... Sports underpants. Sports briefs. You can't ever, ever be an adult man who at the same time, even if they're not both visible, you can never be in my presence

wearing tiny whiteys and Velcro shoes. Velcro shoes... I'm being attacked. ...are for children who haven't got good parents because they haven't taught them how to tie their shoes properly.

Okay? Order! Order! Order! Let me tell you about velcro shoes. Don't... No. They don't come undone.

Right. I've watched my daughter trip over, like, her own feet. She can fall over from a standing position. Although she has got trainers with... I've seen her just, like, her own feet she can fall over from a standing position although she has got trainers with

I've seen her just like stood up and then she like looks sideways and forgets her feet aren't connected to her fucking head Etta's a little how old is Etta

three she's three but I'm just saying laces come undone that's why Velcro's an option that's sound once they're seven give me the child

until they're seven and I will show you the man and a man should be able to tie his fucking shoes mate at seven years old you can't have Velcro ever again when can you have light up shoes Till? because they flash when you walk no you can have them

I'm not going to make you take them off where's my phone if we're going to do nonce shows for the live shows I want them to be Velcro flashing and with the word nonce on the side. I mean, you will get arrested on the way to the gig. I feel like people will just know through your car you've got them on.

That's my show, bitch. What? Did you ever have wheelies? Did you ever have shoes? Did you ever have shoes with a heel wheel? Mate, I'm too old for wheelies. Wheelies. You'd have got done for witchcraft if you fucking hovered down my old for wheelies. Wheelies. You'd have got done for witchcraft

if you fucking hovered down my street on wheelies. I went to an old school fucking CV, non-fee paying grammar school. If you'd have gone a wheelie down on your feet, like, I step for a bit now, I'm sliding past the fucking design technology room. Did you just say you went to a grammar school? Yeah.

I didn't know this. I went to a non-fee-paying, old-school C of E, established in 1552. My school, old as fuck, and some of the buildings were original. The swimming pool was, I think, 1570. And if you'd have done on wheelie chairs, you would have been...

Wheelie chairs? Whatever they're called. Wheelie shoes. Wheelie chairs on wheelie chairs, you would have been... Wheelie chairs? Whatever they call wheelie shoes. Wheelie chairs. Wheelie chairs. If you were disabled in our school, you'd have got sent home. We didn't have any disabled. Did you not? How is that possible?

Why didn't we have any disabled at our school? No, we didn't. Maybe they did, but they just kept them in their own class. No, I think they got sent home no things were different back then though people were treated a lot yeah yeah yeah

second class citizens weren't they yeah what year do you think I went to school put a year on it when did I start high school just roughly

18 was it 1975 it was 1975. Was it really? Yeah, I went to school. Fuck off. I went to high school six years before I was born. I was really good at school.

Five years before... If I went to high school in 1975... I was a maths prodigy at one point i'd be 57 years old now do you know what in year nine i'm nearly 50 i was one of the top three math students in the country and i've just asked you a 39 year old man did you start high school in 1975 yeah and you went oh god, God. I got excited. I thought I got it right. You couldn't roll on wheels. It hadn't been.

We didn't have the technology wheels, but we didn't even have any kids with wheelchairs. We didn't have any disabled. One Asian kid, old school. I can't remember. We didn't have any wheelchair disabled, but we had a couple of dancing dromads in our year. Yusuf and James

Steen O'Neill. Okay. Steen O. Okay, and They're both dead sound. Good. Good, good, good. Good podcasting. Why are you making it awkward? I feel nervous. Why?

I feel very nervous. Have I ever shown to you that I've got any ableist tendencies no I just this conversation particularly I don't know

why I'm finding it so nervous oh there was one other lad as well okay he had a toe for a finger I'm not even messing no you are

no I'm not oh come on no you can mess it if you want I've got to I will get me a maze on the phone How can you have a toe for a finger? It was called toe finger

Toe finger That's Carl He's a boy There was a lad in our school Who had a toe for a finger And he was Like he had Four normal

Well a thumb And three normal fingers And I heard what you nearly said there. He had four fingers, but then this, like, fatter, fatter finger on the side of his hand that looked like a toe. It was, like, bigger than the finger. Oh, it was a thumb, wasn't it? Oh, he just had a thumb.

I kind of think we bullied him unnecessarily. He had three normal fingers and he had a toe, but then his middle finger, or maybe it was his ring finger on one hand, just, like what was like toe like it was just you know more like a toe like just wider at the top but it was just one mate he just had a fat finger it was a toe you no no you can't i know what you're saying but you're saying it was such authority that dan, I promise you, it was a toe. But if it's next to all his other fingers,

it's just a fucked up fat finger, isn't it? No, it was a toe. And I went to a little school. This is going to make me laugh because it sounds like bullshit. And Carl has never believed me on this. This is the God's honest truth, okay? There's a girl called Amy in my little school.

I don't know where this is going. It didn't have a bum hole. I didn't know where it was going. She was born without a bum hole. It was just like sealed up, right? Order. Imagine like Imagine you bricked up a doorway And plastered over it

That was it Right I don't understand There was a girl called Amy Yeah I know But how was not Amy Just a big bag of shit Because she

They She had a catheter She'd been plumbed in. Why not ice her? She was born when I was a bummo. So they gave her one. At what age?

What age do you go for your bummo? This was like year four, five, six. She didn't have? This was like year four, five, six. She didn't have a bum hole for year four, five, six? I don't know. She's got to be in early process, that, hasn't she? Look, a long time ago.

I can't remember exactly when we found out. Yeah. Do you think their memories are hazy? She definitely never had a bum hole, though. But not while you knew her She had some plumbing done when you knew her I think so It wasn't like Where's Amy this week?

She certainly had the plumbing done Early Once I found out Like I never knew She never had a bum hole Until she'd been You know Piped up

If you're bullshitting You're doing one of the best jobs you've ever done Of bullshitting Lad Cause I doing one of the best jobs you've ever done of bullshitting. Because I'm fucking, I believe you. Lad, look. Just keep talking, I just want to check that camera. I'm texting me mate. Right.

How the fuck do you know? Recording. Go on. Just got it in my head that that camera wasn't going. I feel like we've all become fucking, since we've been in the studio, Go on. Just got it in my head that that camera wasn't going. I feel like we've all become fucking, since we've been in the studio, so techie. So techie based. While Adam's doing that, visit the merch store at haveawordpod.com.

Look. Check out the t-shirts, hoodies, and you can buy a bumhole. A what? I've texted my mate Josh. Lad, help me out here. Didn't we go to school with a girl who didn't have a bum hole what was her name I guarantee ya he says

Amy and her surname I don't want to say yeah yeah yeah she'll know who she is though if she hears it she's that

that's her surname right right so I swear to god I swear to god does anyone else in your school

who had problems there was one kid who had a divorce parents that was bad as it got yeah pretty edgy

different times though when I went you know when I went to school in the 1870s there was a kid in our school whose parents had stayed together He got bullied to fuck Just one set of Christmas presents

You funny Fucking Johnny 2 Dad's over here What was his mum I just remembered I don't know We must have been a fucking milquetoast school because he came back in third year with a different surname

and everyone went, all right. He used to be Adam, Adam period or something, came back. And we were like, weirdly, he came back as Adam Lord. Adam, if you're watching or listening to this, shout out, mate. I remember when you changed your name. And he came back in like third year. He was like, oh, he's not Adam period anymore. He's Adam Lord.

But I think P and L are exactly the same place. And they're basically right next to each other in the, you know, because we used to sit in registration in alphabetical order. MNO first though. LMNOP. LM. You'd have been in the middle of that. Oh, you might have moved in front of me. Yeah. He's moved from your left, NLP. Adam. LM. Oh, yeah.

You'd have been in the middle of that. Oh, you might have moved in front of me. Yeah. He's moved from your left to your right. He was, yeah. Never, he was just like, he's over there, because I am now a lord. I'm now Adam Lord, isn't it? Our school was just like, all right, cool, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think he was the only kid in our class, in our form, that had divorced parents. Do you know what I resented at school? Different times. our class in our form that had divorced parents do you know what i resented at school different times you know the kids who were little fucking bastards like the naughtiest twats in our school because they were like deemed unteachable or whatever it was or like if they did the very basic shit they got rewarded for it so like you got like i was in top set at school and i like i did my homework sporadically. I didn't really take school that seriously.

Just talented is what you're saying. Just naturally gifted. Not good with years, but everything else. I went to school in a long time ago, four years ago. But if I didn't do my own way, I'd get detention, right? And if I was naughty in class, I'd get detention or I'd get

sent out or a letter to get sent home or whatever. I had a fight one time with my mate outside of school. Ours, right? It was at home. He lived in my street. He was the year above me in school. We used to fight all the time over footy. And for like two weeks, the school

made one of us leave 15 minutes before the other so we couldn't have round two after school right right there was a a path right by the school called the cindy the cindy the cindy path yeah you told me about ages ago totally forgot about it so we weren't allowed to meet on the cindy so one of us would go home early but like there was this group of like little rat kids who were just always cunts fucking throwing chairs at teachers spitting in teachers faces and if they ended in like one homework assignment they got to go like fucking quad biking for like four hours a week yeah you know what you but you know why that was adam because you had a brain the teachers knew

you had a brain and they knew they needed to kick your ass so you could achieve what you could achieve so it's basically like if you act act up you're fucking up your potential like row row come here that's not good enough this is what we expect of you and you're in detention you need to be better and then fucking knobhead like gareth like i've not stabbed anyone this week good for you gareth you haven't stabbed one of the pupil have a a Mars bar, get in the corner, back to rocking. It's not like you had a harder time. We had a kid at our school called Adriano, who was... He went on to do some bits for Brazil.

Mate, he had a great finish. Adriano Marquez. Fucking Pro Evolution 2003's best player swear to god how badass do you have to be to have hispanic heritage in preston lancashire like we had one asian kid in the whole fucking school and then there's a little badass in our year called adriano marquez and he was a fucking psycho and i'm saying that like as a 12 13 year old I swear he was scary as fuck and yeah the school you'd ball it the if a good kid wasn't pulling their weight to their high standard but as long as he didn't set a fire that week everyone's like

Adriano's done really well he has done really well no arson this week Adriano. Good for you. And he's like scary as fuck. Got expelled at the end of second year. How badass do you have to be to be like 12 mate, that's how far I got and then I got fucked off from the school. Got expelled at 12. He's killed someone

now though, hasn't he? Yeah, probably. Adriano, if you're watching or listening, nice to see you. There's a lad who was in if you're watching or listening nice to see you there's a lad who is in my year of school I'm still scared of him who I won't name who's in prison for murder

right he's in my year of school right yeah yeah you're still in contact yeah only through glass now

obviously have you been to visit him the whole year goes we all get together what like a class of him once a month yeah have you gone recreate assembly come by been to visit him? The whole year goes. We all get together once a month.

You go and recreate assembly. Come by, I'm alone. Pick the phone up. Come by. Bye. Fucking hard kids at school.

They're little scary fuckers, weren't they? Such a little pussy. Lee Turner, Adriano, and some, I can't,

I'm not, I can't, I honestly haven't thought of Adriano for years I can't I'm not I can't I honestly haven't thought of Adriano for years how was he called Adriano Marquez in like we went

the whitest boring early 90s bit of Preston sounds like a like a minor character in Breaking Bad

you know we're gonna fuck with Adriano Marquez they call him the wasp where was he from hi Adri the wasp Where was he from? Hi Adriano, you alright? Where was he from?

Preston No, but from, from Oh Like racist from Do you know? Well, it's not Wigan, is it? I know what you're getting at Did he have an accent

Or was he like Alright, mate Yeah, he wasn't like L-A-S-A What's up fucking geography? or was he like, alright mate? Yeah, he wasn't like, L-A-S-A. What's up fucking geography? We're learning about Guatemala bitches. I'm going to tell you

something about Guatemala. Yeah, I live in fucking Bamba Bridge, Preston, but I roll with the fucking essays. Yeah,

he was from Preston. So he had a Preston accent? Yeah, he was like, you alright? My name's Adriano Marquez. That's fucking mental. Do you know what, I one upon. So he had a Preston accent? Yeah, he was like, you all right? My name's Adriano Marquez. That's fucking mental. Do you know what?

I one-up you. My mum was a teacher. I mentioned Bamber Bridge. My mum was a teacher, primary school teacher. One kid, dad was into football. So my mum,

when we're talking here, 91, 92, massive Preston North End fan, this guy. Had a kid. My mum taught him for a year. Called his child Pele. Called his fucking child Pele

and just sent him off to school in Bamber Bridge in Lancashire. You can't do that. That should be against the Human Rights Act or something. He's going to get bullied to death, isn't he? I don't think he would have got bullied at primary school because it's just primary school, isn't it? But in high school, how good do would have got bullied at primary school because it's just primary school, innit? But in high school, how good do you have to be at football

to not get the shit ripped out of you every time? You know what I mean? As soon as you get to 11, you just fuck up one shot. You scuff one shot, and everyone's like, it's fucking Pele! Imagine just being good, though though and getting to shout pele every

time you kick the ball and you're dead do you know what i mean like not shout like when you play footage you're not no i know i know what you do i know what you do olympia cost you've sent me that video yeah i was like Laura can I Imagine being Actually called Pele though In my head I have to imagine I'm Gerrard He is Pele Yeah Pele

Go look go look go look Every time Just what You know when you're like Chewing gum Do you do that with chewing gum On my chest On my knee

Oh fuck off on your chest On your knee I just want to make A contact I spit it up And then volley it Yeah sometimes And in your head you're like Swear to god You're less careless I did that once chest on your knee i just want to make a contact i spit it up and then volley it yeah sometimes and in your head you're like swear to god you're less careless i did that once it landed in an old

woman's ear because right you proper adriano marquez motherfucker that's that's some badass phrase i i can't really concentrate on more than one thing at once right i don't know whether you've understood that from our oh yeah you're doing well today you're really you're looking in my eyes i feel it something's keeping you in i'm just exhausted so you're dead tired you've not even like looked at a wall and gone brick adam you're doing really well today you're concentrating dead well good talking today adam but sometimes i sort of forget where i am and what i'm doing right this leads to some problems because like at times i've had this problem with my agent where he's like right you've got this meeting with this tv producer and i'm like you're gonna have to come with me because i'll i've got no filter whereas people in the comedy industry in the telly industry They want you to They want the bullshit

They want the Oh I'd really love To be on your new series Of fuckity fuck fuck Because I feel like I'd be a really I love the show I TV all of it

I record every single episode They want all that And I'd love to work with And then list some names Of people that were like Executive producers Obviously I know all the work Of like fucking Mackenzie.

And I can't do that. Yeah. Because I haven't got it in me. And I'm not good enough at lying like that. Yeah. So my agent knows. I'll just be like, I haven't actually seen it. But, you know, any TV exposure is good for me, isn't it?

So if you want me. Yeah. Is it in colour? Can you imagine the worst things? Yeah, I like TV. I've got one. What do you make? Funny shows. so if you want me yeah is it in color can you imagine the worst things you go yeah i like tv i've got one what do you make funny shows yeah good i like friends where do i sign i feel like you've got a tape of an audition but like if i if i have a thought often i just follow through with it. So with regards to kicking a chewy.

Yeah. If I'm in a city centre and I think you've got a chewy in your mouth and you want to get rid of it, why don't you just volley it? Like my brain doesn't go, have a look around, no, because you're in the middle of town here. Okay. I just, I can't filter it out. And I was just walking through Liverpool one. Where were you at?

I just spat a chewy up and just. Yeah, but do you not aim for like Like I do check if there's people around Because I just don't I do when When I'm functioning properly Do you not aim for a bin Like There's the bin

Just pop it out You're not spitting If anyone's like Disgusting There's no saliva You're not Pop it up Like I'll shout

Red Green You try and kick it Fucking traffic light but like the right light this is why I'm careful with that sort of shit because I'm the bellend who will spit it in the air and I'll kick it and it'll land perfectly in the fucking daughter's hair my clothes stink a bit what you just done it you just done it on you you're gone you're just gone i was just about to say in the in the daughter's hair of that guy that you went to school with who's killed two people and he kills me and that was going to be the joke and you couldn't get to the end of it

you went do my clothes smell do i smell a bit no mate do you want me to sniff you well what bit smells? What are you worried about the hoodie? Is it musty? It feels like, you know when you've washed your clothes. It's not right. But you don't put the dry on for like... Musty.

Why does it smell like shit? No, I'm joking. You're fine. You're alright. A little bit musty though. Yeah, you, I'm joking. You're fine. You're alright. A little bit musty though. Yeah, you're alright. Okay. You're alright.

Cool. Glad we got to the end of that one. Oh, this is your moment. Was that the end of the first... Was I 20 seconds short of getting to the end of the first session? You nearly did it. It was nearly...

I'm really worried about Adriano Marquez here in this... Adriano, 30 years has gone by. Hope you're doing all right. What do you reckon he is doing? You know what? And I'm not even just butting up because I don't want to get murdered

when I go back to Preston. I don't think he's in Preston. I think those guys usually have a bit about them. Mate, he was like the cock of fucking year whatever, eight. I'm sure he's got a bit about him I don't I think he's you know

a leader of men alright the rough ones one of the hardest lads in our school is homeless now what I walked past him in town a few months ago

and he didn't recognise me and he changed me and I seen him and I gave him a couple of quid then you banged him out and you went that's not the first time

I've given him a couple of quid against my will ah nostalgia And then you banged him out And you went That's not the first time I've given him a couple of quid Against my will Ah nostalgia And as you leaned over He went Fuck mate You fucking stink mate

Have you left that In the fucking Washing machine too long Fucking hell I've seen your fucking YouTube Where Fucking Dixons Right Fuck them. YouTube? Where?

Fucking Dixons. Right. That was weird. Yeah. Dixons. It's the old TV show. Yeah. Yeah.

From bare time ago. I went to school in 1975. You fucking smelly bell sniff. I thought you were 12. In sniff. I thought you were 12. In 1975. I thought you were born three years after me, Dad. That would have meant I was 11 when I went to school. That would have meant I was 1964.

That's when my mum was born. I'd be 56. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think I'm 56? I feel 50. That's how much shit I've eaten since we've done the studio i feel 56 i need some water and a day off and just to get 25 minutes into a pod without you going i'm doing really well focus all pelle adriano really good cindy fucking path do i

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of getting everything ready for YouTube this weekend. So I've taken this like a sword. Please, by the way, if you're listening to this, go and subscribe to YouTube, okay? Adam's been a long time editor it's youtube.com slash have a word pod i spent six hours on saturday and literally this sounds an exaggeration but you know it's not 15 hours yesterday getting the youtube episode and all the clips ready. We really, really, really, really, really want the YouTube to pick up and take off. We're so grateful with all the downloads we're getting. We're doing better than ever on downloads at the minute.

And we're very grateful for that. Keep supporting the pod. But even if you're not someone who's going to consume the episodes via YouTube, it costs you literally zero pence to go to YouTube, hit subscribe button and hit the little bell icon. It just means you'll get a notification whenever we put a video up. Please go and do that for us. Where are you going now? I'm out. I'm done. I'm thinking of it, begging on YouTube. I just remembered something. Right. I'm getting a bit obsessed with the big dicks because our listeners have actually

responded to it and also it's the ladies who are getting in touch hey lads please keep me anonymous as this is not something i've told my current boyfriend oh just in case it gets back to him so this is from anonymous i was seeing this lad off tinder a few years ago casually and he was a few years younger than me mama like that i like that right sorry this lad was moving away in like six months when i met him so i knew it wasn't going anywhere and i was okay with that just wanted some fun oh god bless those times god bless those times uh he was really shy but cute and we got him really well when i say this this paragraph this next paragraph really takes a left turn when i say he had the biggest dick i've ever seen i'm not playing easily nine inches possibly more

at times you know when he poor fella when he was really trying to be erect like yeah i'm a wreck now but there's a difference between erect and fucking what's like fully erect what you know what i mean like when you haven't had a little hand shandy for a few days and you've got even more energy. So like you go from like a, you'll go from like a, what? A four and a half to a 4.7. That's not far.

I know what you mean. When you're like, but sometimes you're like, yeah, I'm here to party. And then there's also like a, I'm fucking ready to party. Yeah, really like two more. Yeah, okay, good.

When it sort of hurts, it's pretty. Like a Viagra day. Oof. Have you ever done Viagra? No. Have you? Mm. What happened there?

It just hurt. Just hair. It's like an achy boner. I was doing it with my ex-girlfriend and we both did it. And then you were like, you're expecting it to be like this flood of like, oh my God, I'm impassioned.

But it's not. It's just like an achy boner. And then you're like, you're expecting it to be like this flood of like, oh my God, I'm impassioned. But it's not. It's just like an achy boner. And then you bonk and you feel a bit fidgety because you can tell you've got weird drugs, but they're not good drugs in your system. And then afterwards you're like, ah, we're done. And your penis is like, no, I'm not. But everything about the rest of your body is like, we're done.

But your dick's like- See, that doesn't appeal to me. I still want to pot it. One of my exes gave me well tried to give me and i'm by no means quick on the draw like especially if i've had a drink it takes me fucking ages but it was one night she went let's put some of this on and she had this gel and i was like you're fucking putting on me there she's like it's like a norman gel it'll mean we can go all night doesn't that sound amazing and i was like yeah for you just lying there getting impaled

i've got to do all what you're asking me to do is do fucking press-ups from now till three o'clock in the bastard morning no thank you so you get it you get erect are you talking yeah and then the numbing gel goes on you're still erect yeah but you don't you don't cha cha cha cha cha you don't cheers cheers yeah you can just go and go and go what if you can't feel anything

and you lose your erection I don't know I didn't put the gel on it's all just fuck off right put it on her eyelids she didn't sleep for a week yeah

you didn't process that, did you? I was thinking about dicks. I'm like, I've got dicks on the mind. Don't look at me like that when you say that. It was that. It was like... Like a baby's arm. No, I ate that.

I ate that baby's arm. Listen to this. Why do you eat baby's arm? Because you're thinking about hard dicks and baby's arms. Beautiful kids arms little soft and cute and then all of a sudden i'm like it's horrible horrible turn of phrase i prefer okay so we need an alternative to baby's arm then yeah what like a fucking like a midget's leg. That's girthy. Say what you like about midgets. They're normally girthy.

Little people. Oh, little people. We want to be offensive. It's like a little person's leg. Oh, we're fine. That's fine. Dodged a bullet there. Took my breath away the first time I saw it it was like i would love i would in all

of my life that's one of the things i'll never have is to just like get my dick out have it go and have a woman go good god and then just like salute it like jeff goldblum looking at that big pile of shit in Jurassic Park. Just start clapping. I'd love a fucking stand innovation for my dick the first time it came out. Like Bill Burr at the Albert Hall. Woo! for my dick the first time it came out like bill burr at the albohawk i can live i can live anyway so we had took my breath away it was literally like a forearm see just just forearm don't have to bring babies into it so we had sex a few times and i stopped in

i stopped him and i was hey, are you holding back? You've had problems with this before, haven't you? And he said, yeah, I've really hurt people before. Oh, my God. Listen. Can women not just let men do what they want to do with their own dick? Don't make it about a bigger picture about women. What are you talking about? She's being supportive about his big dick energy.

She's very pro-BDE. She's being given an absolute meal of a dick and she's like you're not using it right she she's writing this email remember she's gonna paint herself in a good light i guarantee you she was like don't you don't have to hold back you know my pussy can take it all right can it all fucking arrogant she's a fucking champ this one okay he's like i've got a big dick i don't want to hurt nobody she's like three are you ain't no one here fucking drill away duckhead i mean she's like and he he said yeah i've really hurt people before and he didn't want to hurt me i told him i love a challenge and stop holding back to be fair you were right

we used to have the best sex for like 45 minutes sweating the lot sweating the lot i honestly thought is that the end of the list i just i really don't know what she was trying to go for that like sweating the lot i am big not only was he well hung he could also hold his load madam have you written literature before because it's honestly have you pride and prejudice This feels like the script. The script, the book. Yeah, whoever marries this lad will be a very happy lady in the bedroom. And that's from Anonymous with the fucking sturdy vag. I just feel like she's just take what you, like, what? She's complaining, isn't she?

That is not a complaint. How have you read that as a complaint? That's her going, babe, I know you've got a big dick and you're trying to be nice. Give mum a... Mum a like that. Mum a like that.

Might all get pounding. And I think any man listening to that should give her the fucking round of applause. That's probably what it sounded like. The thing is, though, it might... Adam, why are you annoyed with her? Because he might have been building up to give her... He doesn't know

she's just being impatient no he's not it's got I've hurt what if how crap is that big dick energy

from him are you holding back he's like yes I've only hurt people with my massive dick it's bullshit

I bet he didn't even say that I don't believe it oh my god how have you made it about women again I'm so sorry it's a woman who's threatening vag we i love your work mate

absolutely love your work anna spark messaged me i can't ignore this as well she was like uh in regards to the big dick conversation in episode 74 i have turned down a big dick due to it being too big it was long but the issue was the fact that it was it was it was long but the issue was the fact that it was the width of a can of coke which i mean you can take up your bum can't you adam that's a medical fact she could have took it in the bum when i come well your bum has got a lot of give just stop talking about your arsehole when i couldn't fit it in my mouth i told him there's no way i was gonna put my vagina through that i got a cab home now why would you not be more annoyed with anna for

being like can't even do it mate she's got she's she's doing that thing about oh i'm out not a fucking chance because she's just decided it's not for her the other one's like you're not doing it right is that how you read that i'm fucking just sick of jade whinging at every little thing slightly wrong she's not She's not Jade. She's not Jade. It was from Jade, by the way. That's why she wanted to keep it anonymous.

My current boyfriend, Adam, who you do a podcast with, also with the long, thin dicks thing, they aren't that great. They hit your cervix before you've even realised you've started banging. Yeah, normal.

Fucked by a Kaley Whirl. Like a sausage down a hallway, even when the hallway is narrow. My friends and I called them noodle dicks. They usually belong to long, lanky guys. And then she put, Rob Mulholland probably has one. Poor old Rob.

Rob Mulholland, if you're listening, lad, and even if you're not listening to the full episode, I will send you this timestamp. Peter Crouch, innit? It's the Peter Crouch. Yeah. I reckon Peter Crouch has got... He could bang you from round the corner.

Yeah. But you're not gonna, it's not gonna be like, it's gonna be like nudging like, hey, my dick's coming round the corner now. What's Jade been doing? You alright? Just does me fucking nothing.

I know, but this isn't Jade. Oh, you've done this wrong. Well, I'm fucking busy! Has she ever told you to stop doing something during sex that you're doing wrong? No. It's not a sex thing. It's just, oh, you've left the light on,

you've done this, you've... All right. You're here now, Adam, you're safe. She's not even washing your clothes, right? She left the fucking dog's bowl full of dog food in the kitchen yesterday. And I was like, I said it in a really nice,

friendly, passive aggressive way. I went, Hey, look, you're just leaving this dog food to go crusty. She was like, well,

you leave stuff on the sides all the fucking time. So don't be having to go. I was like, I'm not having to go. She's like, yeah. And then, and then reeled off every,

and I've ever done wrong. All right. Has she ever complained about your dick, though? No. All right, okay, good. Well, no, no. Has she not? No.

Is she quite dick supportive? She's, yeah. Because Laura listened to the episode about big dicks, and she was like, honestly, she did the thing that you meant to do, like, even if I could snap my fingers and have a big dick, I wouldn't't yours fits me perfectly do you believe her i don't care it feels right i want to but i choose to believe her yeah

do you know you know like literally there's two dead bodies and she's just like stuck the gun behind her i haven't killed anyone of course you haven't i love you that's that kind of thing i don't give a shit what does she say about your eyebrows? Fuck off my eyebrows. Cha. Cha! How dare you, mate? You get your Iranian caterpillars under control before you come at these beautiful Nordic fucking accessories. Never come after my eyebrows again. You really upset me.

I'm not even joking. Well, I am joking. I like them. Just listen from Anonymous. We've got another Anonymous. Fuck off my eyebrows. Why are you talking about my eyebrows? I said I like them.

No. Awful person. Just listen to your latest pod about having your girlfriend and wife on OnlyFans. I actually met my current partner on there after subscribing to her, chatting for a bit. We swapped numbers, and we met

up as soon as lockdown was eased we're now a couple and she's still on only fans because i don't mind because she was doing it before we met so fucking this guy he's he's he's all right with it having an only fans getting a little bit of the tit-tay and the patata brave that don't you to go for it yeah like, to be talking to a girl who you pay money to see pictures of her foof. To be like, hey,

any chance of a free lifetime subscription? Yeah. I feel like OnlyFans is... It's just getting your foof out, innit? It's pretty nameless. Could you date a porn star? Say you and Jade, it's not like in real life, but say Jade had never existed, you were

out there, podcast going well, followed by a few porn stars. They love the Big Dick Chat. They send in a lot of fucking emails. And then you got together with one. Could you actually date a porn star? Could you marry a porn star? I don marry a porn star? I don't know.

I think that only fans is like selfies, videos. Here's my ass. Here's my boobs. Send us three quid. Buy us a cup of coffee. Yeah, I don't think I could handle. Like, what? No. When your missus comes back and she's like, clearly. what I don't know when your

missus comes back and she's like clearly you know when your missus comes back from a hard day at work and she's clearly

tired wiped out she's like oh babe it's been an absolute nightmare today for my wife that means just someone's

been doing her editing at work it's been a bit hot in the office and she had another hour because someone emailed some

things she had to finish she couldn't leave on time if your're a porn star that could be like eight dicks yeah and that's going to be hard to i'm anyone can be a porn star go for it i've no i've got no hang-ups about it i just i'm not secure enough in myself to be like right you've had eight massive ones mostly fucking yeah should we get dominoes and then you can have my 4.5 4.7 it's yeah too much dick chat

also you'd never like you'd never be able to get out of your head like is she acting what you know when you're fucking going for it

trying to give it as good as fucking yeah Steve does yeah like you'd be like is is she acting yeah i think you'd know though wouldn't you would you have you ever faked it yes i can i've yeah i can tell what i think i can tell when a girl's

faking i don't think girls ever faked it with me. Oh, right. Okay, good. What? No, you're just confident in that. Yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I don't reckon any girl ever does.

You nearly poured that water down you then. That's going to be a great moment. I don't think any girl's faked it with me. Water on himself. And lucky. Hey, Adam and Dan. Love the the podcast found it a little way into the lockdown so not fully caught up but listen to it regularly with the missus and it cracks us both up we're sitting in queen square today i've loved this email this is from rory right

we're sitting in queen square today near all the tramps and saw all of them and saw a meeting and saw a seagull fully murder a pigeon. It ripped it to shreds. Et the fucker. It puts to rest any doubt over which is the bigger arsehole, pigeons or seagulls. I don't think that's ever... Has that ever been in doubt, that pigeons are arseholes?

I mean, they're horrible, but they're a bit like... They're not offensive, are they? I don't know. Seagulls are fucking horrible. Do we know what the pigeon did? What do you think it was like? It might have been a hit. What?

The seagull's been paid to kill the pigeon? Yeah. Take him out? I'm going to give you some bread you can't refuse. You took out a loan with the fucking aviary. You know. Do you not reckon like that seagull might have got fucking

like maybe that pigeon robbed like some worms or something yeah and the seagull was like listen get here Gary Gary Gary the pigeon

Gary the pigeon Gary the mafia pigeon no he's just robbed some worms hasn't he nah they're not they're not robbing they're just oh they might

they're delivery guys aren't they, pigeons? Yeah. I think it's mad, you know, pigeons. You know,

I don't know. Do you know what I'm like? Racing pigeons and that. Yeah. Like, you can drive

a pigeon. What do you mean drive? Like, if you've got pigeons in yours, right? Yeah. You can drive it to Aberdeen and it'll beat you home

if if you have ever from merseyside driven you and your fastest pigeon to Aberdeen just before you set off on the journey, just kill yourself. Just kill yourself. I tell you what, I'm going to take Bandit, I'm going to drive her all the way to Aberdeen and then I'm going to see if I can race her back.

My dad's mate used to have pigeons. Yeah. And he'd drive them like, they raced them don't they but that's not racing that's just trying to do a pb i thought race i thought you raised you know you know i thought pigeons raced each other i didn't realize you raised them in your ford cortina they do but like what what you do is like let's say me and you have got we live quite close and we've got pigeons we we both drive them to the same gaff and then it's first back winds to their own house because they'll only go back to their own house.

You can't just put racing pigeons, it's not like wacky races where you can just put them on a fucking 400 metre track and they just... Yeah. They race home. Yeah. They're home and pigeons. Thanks for following me on. Yeah.

Now Netflix exists, I don't think you should be racing pigeons. Really. You don't think that's mad, though? That a pigeon, like, can be driven. Could you fly back from Aberdeen if you could fly? Do you reckon you'd make your way back? Yeah.

Really? Well, if you're high up and you can see everything. Yeah, but you've got no concept of the British Isles. Like hang on and i'm this sounds like i'm just being a dick i think that's one of the easiest what what hang on you give me you tell me i've got no concept of the british isles no because a pigeon hasn't has it a pigeon doesn't know right aberdeen's there chester's here oh yeah so how do they do it then? Exactly. Oh, God, here we go. What? You, theology, the paranormal, and now pigeons. You go, who's got conspiracy theories about pigeons? Exactly.

I am. Fucking pigeon Illuminati. Yeah? You think they've just shat on your hat? Maybe you've been fucking marked. Can you explain it? No, because I've never studied pigeons. I've been studying big dicks.

But think about it. Do you honestly think no girls faked it with you, Adam, when you're this mesmerised by homing pigeons? I think the two... Are you not? Do you not think this is mad?

I want... I can't believe we're going from all this dick energy. I want someone to tell us how pigeon, how homing pigeons work. How does it work then? Cause I honestly, I could,

because I'd be like, right, Aberdeen, one way's fucking Norway. The rep, go that way. That's Scotland. I'd have a sense of going south.

Follow the fucking Highlands. Then what you're looking for, you're basically looking for eventually, what's the, the Lake District, all the hills off to the side, then you're seeing the fucking Newcastle to the left, fuck that, keep going, then you'll clock Lancaster, then you'll

be near, oh, you see Blackpool Tower, then I'm like right, then I'm looking for fucking Spinnaker Tower, is it? In Liverpool? Radio City. Radio City, and then I'm like overshooting that, I'll see North Wales, land it right in Chester, bang. Yeah, but that's because you know of all those things, Jack and Pigeons do it by smell.

What, you reckon you can smell Liverpool from Aberdeen? Fucking Bandit gets out of his little basket. Alright, Bandit, get it right. Because I tell you what, if there's like a fishing trawler just off the coast of Norway and he goes the wrong way, he's fucked.

Maybe they don't go as far as Aberdeen. Good. In places, one of the strongest podcasts we've done in terms of comedy, but in other places genuinely worried about your mental health a bit. When you sniff yourself and talk about pigeons.

I need a gig. You've got fucking loads coming up. It's exciting, isn't it? Very exciting. Content suggestions. This is still Rory. Oh, sorry. Speaking of my girlfriend,

I'd like to give her a little shout out as my ledge of lockdown, as I suffer with catastrophization and a bit of health anxiety. And without her, I'm not sure I've made it through lockdown with my sanity intact. We're both looking forward to getting back to hot water,

although not as much as Adam, I would assume. Wow, Rory, you bang on the money. As the place has special memories for us, our first and third dates were actually us seeing Adam perform. He suffers from catastrophization. What's that? It's something that I am dealing with at home at the moment laura's had not ridiculous i just from but it's part of anxiety i think jade gets

it like everything's gonna go wrong you something's wrong and then you make it basically nuclear armageddon within about four steps yeah jade does that so my sister suffers from this and she's she's talked about it to me before she's just not not to the point where she needs therapy or anything but she has to stop herself doing it so we'll be like with the kids walk into the shops and we'll come to the the like pelican crossing and she'll stop and in her head she's like oh if i don't hold on to my daughter's hand and she runs across a l'oreal smash right into her now that can always happen at every road at any point someone is next to a road they could possibly have a child run out or

they could trip over but if you suffer from catastrophization or catastrophizing things you literally can't help planning that out in your head, like watching it happen in your head. So every time Katie goes to the Pelican Crossing, she has to live through imagining her daughter getting fucking killed. And it builds her anxiety. I always think I'm going to twist my ankle.

Right. When? When I'm walking. So then what do you like? I imagine like twisting my ankle and my head goes on the road and I get run over. So it's like when you're on a plane, catastrophizing is, like,

you're on a plane and then you have a bit of a bump. Some people go, oh, that's turbulence. Other people go, oh, my God, we're going to die. And then they literally visualize the whole death out in their head,

wings coming off, screaming, children crying, and then... I've had it. You do it. It's like an awful mind experiment and then their anxiety is up the heart's pounding and nothing happens see i've got an ego as well though so i do that but then i save everyone at the end

that's how confident you are tie a rope around myself and just fucking swim the whole plane to shore. Fucking quiet. That's like really fun catastrophizing it. Oh no. Oh God. A child might run in front of a lorry. But in my head, Adam will stand in front of it and just kick the lorry and go,

Gerard! Yeah. And just fucking boot the lorry back. Just get me tits out to distract the driver. Content suggestion-wise, I'm suggesting a new feature, Rory says. Who would win? Will you pit two people or things against one another?

My first suggestion would be, who would win in a fight between the two of you? Love, Rory. No one's ever asked that. It's me doing it. Do you think? Come on. Do you reckon?

Younger. Yeah. Stronger. Ooh, stronger. I think you probably are. More experience. Yeah, you're quite barrelly. More vicious. I'm quite barrelly, though.

More vicious. I think you've got a thicker head. Your head looks meatier than mine. You look like your head weighs more. If your head, no, I'm not even joking. You look like you've got a heavier skull than me. Yeah. How were you with heading balls when you were,

I'm such a child, when you were at school? I remember scoring an absolute blind at a header just in a game of heads and volleys in year three I can still picture it he whipped it

in you know what heads and volleys is call it Wembley like a bear ass red ass

whatever just whipped it in I can see it coming over beautiful beautiful he really acted that out then and made the same noise as a really hard erection as well and over and out. Beautiful. Beautiful.

He really acted that out then and made the same noise as a really hard erection as well. And it was such a good header. I got a bone. But do you ever get headaches from the, from the, from heading a ball?

No. I couldn't head balls. I think I've got a thin skull. When I was a kid, I couldn't do headers when we were playing football. So I think even, I don't know if we're,

we're not much different shape. We're not much different height height you've got a little bit of weight on me but i think it's a lot of that's your school yeah and i think that's how you'd win speed as well also i'm from penwitham in preston and i'm an absolute pussyhole and you were having fights like fucking kindergarten when when did you say you had your first fight when you were like eight? Four. Right. You had a fist fight when you were four years old. You punch someone with your fist at four. I reckon.

Mate, I was 16 and it was a slight disagreement with a friend. I'd sparked me brother before I was eight. Oh my god. Oh my god you'd definitely Adam then

because he's hard and when he knocked me out he'd be like shut up no he's not a boxer Adam

yeah but still shout Tyson Tyson Tyson Tyson Tyson thanks Lewis Adam Warbank says who would win in a fight and why between Laura and Jade

oh mate oh there'd be some social anxiety after that dust up between them two I've got no concept of this I think Jade Jade would win if she was protecting someone else

rather than herself yeah well that's what Laura says she can beat anyone up because she's a mum I used to do a bit about it on stage like I'm a mother see Jade if you tried to hurt my dog Jade would rip your throat out do you know what I mean yeah

so if Etta and your dog started having a fight it would be like it's an unstoppable force it would be like McGregor and Diaz it would be like McGregor McGregor

that sounds like a really fucking rough law firm on a count of three I want everyone to say fuck the nightingales. One, two, three. Fuck the nightingales.

McGregor, McGregor. Law. All rise for the honourable judge, Roe. Who the fuck is that guy? Ten years in with Adriano. Right. A lot of bollocks. Really enjoyed it.

Let's have a little interval, and then I've got to have a word for you, Adam. We're going to solve someone's problems. Are we? No. Shout out to Trans Alloy Wheels. Alloy wheel refurbishments, car body work, and customization services in Leeds and throughout West Yorkshire.

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during the Rona. They've sponsored this podcast and we want to support them. We can't go and get our cars sorted just yet. As soon as the Rona's done, I'm going. In the meantime,

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All right, back to the pod. Your ma and da listen to Have A Word. All right, lids. Could you please have a word with Frey Bentos? Is that what I'm... Am I right? Frey Bentos? Is that... Yeah.

Pre-lockdown, I was in the Tin Isle gathering for the Rona lockdown and picked up a legendary Fray Bento. I literally chose this one because it was about pies. I've never had a Fray Bento pie because they make me uncomfortable. What? Why?

Because a pie in a tin just doesn't add up in my head. I honestly thought you were going to go really woke then and be like, just because I don't think they support Black Lives Matter enough and that forward something. It's because that's pastry within a tin right talk talk because i always think about jilly bean in texas talk us through what a fray bentos is it's a pie steak and ale steak and kidney yeah so not apple yeah so a pie in america a dessert, isn't it? They don't really have steak pies in America. What do they have, apple?

Strawberry. What? Key lime. Strawberry pie? Yeah. Who's ever had strawberry pie? Your ma. Every time.

Every time when he's in a fucking corner, he goes, oh shit, your ma. You just started saying fruits, mate. Cherry pie. Apple pie. Your granddad pie. He's a fruit, isn't he? Smelly Adam's head's gone. I'm telling you right now.

We need to get through this. All right, so a pie is like the American ones. Everyone else knows what a pie is apart from maybe Texas chili and other American listeners. A pie is like an apple pie, but instead of apple in it, there's gravy and steak. Yeah. You know how your pies are really delicious and tasty?

Over here, they're working class and a bit grim. They're savory rather than sweet. Yeah. It's got gravy, steak. Some have chicken, some have chicken and ham, some have a bit of mushroom in some have onions as well what's your pie of choice steak steak steak with gravy steak and gravy it's not what it's called it's just called steak pie in it yeah but i don't want steak and ale i've never

never eaten a pie ever i've never eaten a savory pie what you're describing to me you know i'm fussy that is a special type of nightmare when you're fussy it's one thing to hate the food but to hate the food that's hidden within another food like there's also an air of mystery that's the for a fussy eater that's the biggest nightmare ever like if you showed me steak and gravy on a plate i'd be like why why because you've taken steak and then just fucking like earthly jizzed on it horrible but when you're hidden in a pie

like what the fuck's in that it don't smell right but I'm telling you what to do steak and gravy but what if someone give out a sausage roll no I'm not eating a sausage roll

you're a fucking weird cunt you aren't you yeah how are you 80 episodes in and you're just clocking that no but like really weird I'm a fussy eater You're a fucking weird cunt, you, aren't you? Yeah. How are you 80 episodes in and you're just clocking that? No, but, like, really weird. I'm a fussy eater. That's beyond fussy eater.

You haven't tried a sausage roll. I'm not... Yeah, I'm not... Yeah, I don't trust it. Don't trust it? I'm not a big fan of sausages. Why does it have to hide in pastry? It's still a sausage. Do you know what I mean? No, do you know what i mean no do you know what i mean i think gandhi

said that my heart my gandhi said why does it have to have in pastry a sausage roll is just a suspicious looking sausage in it it's a sausage without the skin in a pastry yeah i just i think it's too busy that two things I just think I just think I'd rather have a sausage just be honest about what it is

and if I want pastry I'll get some pastry on the side so have you ever had pastry yeah and you've had sausages I'm not a massive sausage guy

but yeah we know that was my attempt at a curtsy I've never I love a pie fucking love a pie We know. That was my attempt at a curtsy. I love a pie. Fucking love a pie. But I've never had a fritter. It just doesn't belong in a tin to me.

So if I get a pie, it's normally fresh from the Greggs. Oh, yeah. Or like from the fridge or the freezer. It's like families cook pies sometimes, don't they? Well, I cook family-sized pies. I don't really share them with people. Have you made a pie at home? Yeah.

Not like from scratch, but like I've got one from the Asda and popped it in the oven. Oh, good, yeah. So you're a chef. Have you made pies? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've also made crisps. Get the packet, open them up, eat them. I'm a crisp maker.

It's still cooking. Oh, for fuck's sake. now who's the bell end when i was like it's still cooking if i put a pie in no it's not of course it is no it's uncooked until i cook it it's cooking if you take a microwave meal put it in the microwave have you cooked that microwave meal depends why what's the difference if you have to pop some holes in the plastic if you have to peel it back and give it a stay oh that's michelin well it is though isn't it if you have to peel the plastic back and was it up a bit back in then without you it's not it's not right yeah yeah i the weird thing is with that you do make good meals though don't you you're very like you are good at food prep yeah not bad but like on this one you're just not asked what you mean you just can't make a pie at home though can you like

yes i've made an apple pie at home. No, not an apple pie, like a fucking weirdo. What? I mean a pie pie. Why can't you make one and you can not make the other? People make, you can make harder. Yeah, but, like, you've got to then get the steak, cook the steak, get the gravy, cook the gravy. It's a ball, isn't it?

Get all that, like. Yeah. It's like a three-day job. Or you can just go to the Asda. They've got them in boxes and you take it home and you cook it. If I never had to make another meal again. I'd put a bit of salt on the top of it. And a bit of, like, I'll glaze it maybe with a bit of flora.

Do you do the thing? Yeah. What's he called? The one that does the spazzy hand when he... Paul Daniels. Yeah. Food bay. Salt bay. Salt bay. Do you do that with the saltazzy hand when he... Paul Daniels. Yeah. Food bae. Salt bae.

Salt bae. Do you do that with the salt on the pie? Yeah. A little bit of pepper. Like a darts player. Yeah. It's a small grinder. Pre-lockdown, I was in the tin aisle gathering for the Rona lockdown

and picked up a legendary Fray Bentos. I do love a good pie and with Chibi's closing, it seemed like a smart idea until I tried to open it. They're fucking ridiculous to open unless you have an industrial catering size tin opener. I had a cheap tin opener which barely

scratched the surface so I had to go at it with a pen knife. This is so working cloth. I bought a pie in the tin and I couldn't get in it to go at it with a pen knife this is so working cloth i bought a pie in the tin and they couldn't get in it so i tapped it with a knife scissors and then a proper kitchen knife half an hour and a half an hour later and nearly a finger down i got there but it was fucking ridiculous and there's no better lids to have a word about it than these um we live in 2020 the finger ring pull uh works and they should get with the times so they're having a word with frey bentos here and if either of you have a go send me your studio address and i'll happy send

you one uh i'll send you one up and you can accept whatever the consequence so he's going to send us a free frey bentos and we'll try and open it. I am. What's your feeling with pies in tins? I can see his reasoning. Well, I've never had one, but I do like some of the tin stuff. Like, you know I like a corned beef butty. Corned beef is tinned. Corned beef sandwich.

Sometimes. I prefer the pie. Is there not a ring pull on that one? No. It's a little side thing, and you put the key on and twist it round. Oh, it's the old sardine one. Yeah, yeah.

That's so old school, that, isn't it? Yeah. Is that cooking? When you have to twist the key all the way round. Depends whether you're making corned beef hash or a butty. You can't cook a butty. Yeah. So there's been a couple of times where normally I do get the packet corned beef

for the fridge. So, like, that one is, like, it's already sliced and you just open the packet corned beef for the fridge. So that one, it's already sliced, and you just open the packet, put a couple of slices. But the tinned one, you have to open yourself and slice yourself. And there's been a couple of times where either the little key thing has snapped, or it's just I've picked one up and not checked, and it hasn't got one on by the time I get it out.

So I threw it at the wall just to baste it so just it might help him in the future just wise you hide the wall it'll just put a little crack in it and then you can scissor it open you know when you're whinging about jade do you think she has any complaints from you because you throw fucking corned beef against walls i did that in the garden she didn't i'm not damaging the property. Oh, okay, cool. Through the garage. So, you can get a tin. They don't give you the equipment.

That's essentially like getting flat pack home and Ikea not giving you an Allen key in it. Or not checking if there was an Allen key like you did. Fuck yourself, punk.

I think, I'll say this, Paddy. I appreciate it and don't send us a fray bentos. It's absolutely alright. I don't want a pie in a tin. Idy i appreciate it and we don't send as afraid bentos it's absolutely all right i don't want a pie in a tin i don't eat pies i don't trust them sneaky little fuckers but i think this kind of preparation is good because listen 2020 has been a shit show it could get worse power goes down you know the coin drop the coin drops the pound drops society breaks down you're gonna need to know how to get in fucking tins me and jay bought i made us at the start of lockdown you know when everyone was proper

like panic buying and hoarding yeah i bought enough for two weeks of like dry food so a few different pot noodles few different like whatever i literally remember talk we had a little technique going didn't we like a plan i said to jay look i don't want to be a dickhead who's buying everything off the shelves but you know there could come a time here where they go look we can't get food out it could get really bad and thank god it never like it we never know with a second wave i'm not saying it's all over it was three or four weeks wasn't it but i was like it could happen where we get really fucked here and my responsibility is you and our dog and me dad and me little brother and i need enough food for two weeks.

Even if it's shit and it's just we have two packs of cocoa noodles a day. At least we're eating something we need. So we got enough and it's just been sat in a plastic box. But because it's now all over, we took it to food bank the other day. Jade was made up. She was crying in the car in the way. She was like, we've done such a nice thing. People are going to get a pot noodle

at a meal. Yeah, we took a load of like dry stuff to the... In date? Yeah, it's fucking pot noodles. Yeah,

it lasts forever. Survive a nuclear winter. Yeah. Pot noodles, you're going to get about five years out of a pot noodle. Yeah,

I had a pot noodle when I was a date once and I felt really embarrassed. Why? Because that's been with us a while, hasn't it? Yeah. Probably 1975 when I was, what, 30. I just,

we haven't even started getting to the bottom of that fucking chest freezer that we bought specifically for the Rona. But there's some shit down there. There's some bird's eye, like, you know, like, the shit down at the bottom of that freezer makes chicken dippers look like the top class five-star Michelin restaurant because I think there's some crap at the bottom of there,

like the cheapest, nastiest garlic breads, some Chicago town shitty pizzas, like Asda own pizzerettes. I don't know what's down there, but I'm going to eat them just because I'm cheap enough I will just just to not waste the money I'll get down in there

I'm not you can't you can't give them to a food bank can you frozen stuff I think you can yeah

just on a cold day what are we even talking about should we fuck off I think they've got freezers Dan food banks have got freezers I don't mind who sounds like a fucking

sorry now erm you you do our food banks we've got a fucking fridge section and freezer really food banks were just like a fucking thing at Tesco you just throw a tin of beans in

you're a fucking moron aren't you Paddy send the Frey Bentos to a food bank right Adam bloody Ro you've had a fucking long weekend

yes let's call this Monday call it to order order order thanks very much for watching listening

we'll be back on Wednesday with the Patreon exclusive episode, sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod got some music to close out the show, if you didn't know we play bands and hip hop artists and anyone who sends us music submissions if you have a tune, if you know

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