Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #78 with Justin Moorhouse - IN STUDIO - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: July 31, 2020

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Sign up at patreon.com slash haveawordpod. Appreciate ya. Now, I'm getting the word nuts oh jesus let me muscle again oh hercules hercules how are you so tough this is your ally who the fuck is that guy have you never seen me before don't chat to me i can see fumes coming off your pump pum look like petrol station. Disgusting. They go by Alan and Dave, Aaron and Dean, Grandad and the Yeti or even Chanel and Denise. But what's for sure is they are the funniest leads in the podcast game.

Don't be a Tory. Down your turbo shandy and tell a friend. This is Have A Wad. Fucking government are cunts. Did you know I just... You just... Unless you just come off your phone. I thought you were just saying it. Well, they're just trying to look after us, Adam. Are they? It's because people like your people can't, you know...

They know what your people are like do you know what i think i'm trying to protect you from yourself all right what i think happened was last night they announced that manchester west yorkshire and lancashire had to stop going indoors um of other people's houses because that's what's causing the spikes, which don't exist, of the COVID-19 outbreak. But you could still go to the pub with the same people. And I think they thought they would get away with saying that, and no one would notice that it was quite clearly targeted at Muslims celebrating Eid.

Yeah, but why can't Muslims just go to the pub and celebrate Eid? I've said this for years. Just go down and booze her. Fucking. Two birds, one stone. Salaam alaikum, my friends. Welcome to Wetherspoons. Wa alaikum salam.

I think they thought they were going to get away with it, and then everyone's gone, it's fucking dead obvious what you're doing there. You know, Matt cocking your hands. Well, it's the economy, isn't it? You stop people going around to everyone's houses. The economy's fine. Closed pubs and restaurants down.

Everyone's like, I'm going to lose my job. Even if, obviously, the timing of it is pretty brutal, and all these spikes are, like, weirdly, you look at the areas that are in, like, special measures almost. Basically, Northampton and Peterborough, I'm like, nothing rings a bell there. But Leicester, Bradford, Oldham, Pendle, Darwin and Blackburn, you're like, okay.

Bradford, you're like, oh God, that is a disproportionately high percentage of Asian population. Yeah. It's so obvious what they were doing and they've been called out on it and now they've gone, well now, no. And my Hancock this morning on the news literally got asked the question,

can comedy clubs open on the 1st of August? They said comedy clubs specifically and he said yes, and then two hours later, it's too dangerous. What's happened in that two hours? He's a fucking baby-faced cunt, and I hate him, and I'll be glad when he's dead.

Him and Jamie Oliver, both of them. Wow, Jamie Oliver taking some fucking heat. Yeah, I just don't like him, and it was just the forefront of my head. I don't wish death on many people, but... You you know we don't really do politics loads on this but no this doesn't feel like politics i feel like literally my mental health this week has been all right i've felt quite good and jade's noticed it in me jade's been like you seem so much back to yourself and i was like it's because i know i've got nine days of gigs at hot water comedy Club starting on the 1st of August, ending on the 9th.

And I knew I was going back starting tomorrow. I was back at Hot Water Comedy Club doing what I love. And now, a day before it's meant to happen, Hot Water, by the way, please support them when they open back up. They spent so much money getting the club COVID safe, making sure the whole venue was adhering to the social distancing measures and, you know, one way in, one way out,

making sure all the seating, like they've got the bookings for the whole weekend. They've gone, right, that group sits there. Full seating plans for every show, doing three shows a day, making sure they've got enough time to clean the whole venue, hiring extra staff who they've now got to sack. And then they've given them two weeks to get ready for venue, hiring extra staff who they've now got to sack, and then they've given them two weeks to get ready for it, which wasn't long enough, they fucking managed to

do it, and it's not just them, it's every other comedy club in the country that was about to open has gone, right, this is the two weeks we've got to sort this place out, and make sure we're making it safe for our customers, and our comedians to come back, and they spend all that money, put all that effort in, and a day before the government go, oh, no, you can't do it now. It's just fucking infuriating. Make a fucking decision and fucking stick to it. If we're in lockdown, then let's wait till Levitas is gone. Stop doing this half-assed bullshit.

You're trying to save lives at the expense of the economy, and then you go, oh, hang on. No, the economy's more important, so we'll save the economy at the expense of lives, and now it's back to we need to save lives and fuck the economy's more important, so we'll save the economy, it expends our lives, and now it's back to, we need to save lives and fuck the economy. Pick a fucking approach. Do what New Zealand did and go, right,

fuck the economy for a bit. Let's make sure this virus goes away. And now New Zealand's back open and they haven't had a fucking virus case apart from two British people who arrived from Britain, surprisingly. It's a joke. Do one thing or the other,

but this fucking halfway house between trying to manage the virus and manage the economy, it's never going to work. The virus is going to be here until there's a vaccine and you're going to be opening and closing businesses. And when businesses don't know what they're doing and who they need to hire and whether they're going to be open tomorrow, there's not going to be anything left. There's not going to be any small shops left, independent shops. There's not going to be any comedy clubs. Pubs not going to be anything left. There's not going to be any small shops left, independent shops. There's not going to be any comedy clubs.

Pubs are going to shut for good and they're going to be turned into a fucking subway or a pizza hut. But they're going to close, hang on, not just to play devil's advocate, but they are trying to get these things open, but I know that it sounds like it's all over the shop and they're deciding on the fly,

but they are trying to get them open. But there has always been ifs, buts, and maybes about these openings. If they err on the side of caution, they'd still be closed till November, January, like we initially thought they would be. And then they're definitely going bust, aren't they? No, absolutely not. No?

No. So I've spoke to people who- Because they're getting insurance. The cost of opening a venue is massively higher than just having an empty venue that's why like when people have still got the lease on a place you you'll see like a pub or like an old restaurant will just be empty for a few months because the people who own it might want to reopen it again rather than sell it on yeah because it's not that expensive to like it is expensive to mothball it to just like

just let's just leave that for a bit so if they went to all these places now look we need to make a decision and you can't open till november and in november you can open and then if it gets to september it looks like that needs to be pushed back do it but you can't give people 24 hours notice. No it's ridiculous it's a fucking joke and I appreciate them trying to get everything open like we were all surprised

and like it was a nice surprise that gigs were being I mean initially we thought it was going to be in July didn't we but like August was still three months more than you expected. It's still like a surprise.

It's the hope that kills you though, isn't it? To change tact a day before. 3-0 down and you get a goal and you're like,

oh, it might happen now. And then you get beat 6-1. I just, I feel like so, it's so easy to go, oh, the fucking government is such dickheads. But when you're making up policy on the fly and announcing things at night, in the middle of the night,

and two, like you said, two hours after something's been decided, it's a shit show, isn't it? It's just infuriating, it it's messing with people's heads i'm gonna be pissed off now for a week because i know i should be at work i know i should be doing the gig and if a week ago they hadn't gone yeah you can all open on the first of august way everything's going fine then it would be nowhere near as bad. You can't keep telling people they can go back to work and then they can't. It's just, it's infuriating.

They need to make a decision. Put a fucking date on it. And they can't. That's not how viruses work. But you can put a date on it and then a few weeks in advance go, that might need to be pushed back. 24 hours is just not...

You can't. I know the New Zealand, it's different. There's like 4 million of them and they're in the corner of the world. We're a different nation, size of economy, size of country. London is a huge international hub. The government have had a more difficult job. I sound like I'm back in the Tories,

but it's not a case of like right we have set this date and we'll just set that date for later on and we'll stick to it because they're they have to be they have to be able to change things and all of these stages were clearly mapped out like this will happen if the infection rate is down if it's if it's acceptable. So we all knew there could be some fluctuation. How is it a day, a day before they're opening? And I've got a venue owner messaging me going, I want to ring you and tell you what's happened,

but I'm literally that upset. I'm close to tears. It's not even that it's a day before. It's the fact that on this day, on the news this morning, they said, no, they can't open. Jess at the Frog and Bucket, like, last night, overnight, she put on Facebook and was like, look, really sorry, we can't open. Then she contacted her MP.

I think it was the mayor of Manchester, actually, Andy Burnham. She spoke to Andy Burnham and was like, can comedy clubs open? He was like, yeah, you can. She was given reassurances by Manchester's mayor this morning. The fucking health secretary was on Good Morning Britain or BBC whatever. He was on fucking Sutton. And this morning literally said comedy clubs can open. What's changed in two hours?

How fucking... They've changed their mind. They've gone, oh, we've got that data. And Dominic Cummings has sat there and gone, yeah, can't do it. Because I think he's genuinely running the show that fucking lying cheating

snivelling looks like me motherfucker back of fucking Quirrell's head in the fucking face that he potter he's like that in the in number 10 down

his street tell them they can't open I have strength enough for this I have seen too many viral videos calling me a lying

Barnard Castle visiting lying cunt. Do you think that first bit of the podcast will age well on YouTube? Can I just tell you, Adam found out about that about a minute and a half before we started recording

and he walked into the studio half an hour ago sunshine lollipop do do do we've got to justin moore house on it's lovely and it's lovely and then we all checked twitter and it was like oh fuck you're all right boo it's it's just like i're annoyed, aren't you? I'm pissed off. I don't know the right thing to do. I don't know where the comedy club should be opening. I just know that you shouldn't be telling them they can open at 8 o'clock in the morning

and then at fucking 1 o'clock in the afternoon tell them they can't. It's basically... It's arranging a date with someone and then cancelling while they're on the bus, innit? It's a cunt's move. Get in touch with me if you're interested in coming to an illegal

comedy show i am gonna find a fucking basement that will just let me in i'll put a mic up i'll put some lights up and we'll run an illegal comedy show we'll take your temperature on the door if you're too hot you'll get told to fuck off everyone will be as safe as possible if you if you are a listener to this podcast if you are a fan of this podcast, if you are a fan of mine, a fan of dance, and a fan of stand-up in general, I am going to find somewhere in Liverpool in the next week, and I am going to run a completely illegal stand-up comedy show. I'm going to get comedians on. There'll be about seven or eight of us. We'll all do 10 minutes each. I'm not being told what to fucking do anymore by people who haven't got a fucking

clue what they're doing. if you're worried about getting sick don't fucking come the gig's happening go to adamrow.co.uk sign up to my mailing list and I'll send a mailer out this week are you actually

going to do the temperature thing I'll get my barber's got one of them guns I'll see if he'll lend me I've got one for Etta we stick it in her ear

you know when she's got a temperature we could just twat that on someone's head couldn't you there could be like coronavirus in the air you can't do that you need a gun where you need a gun yeah you've seen that clip of what should we do stock cow poll as well just in case the temperatures no cow poll paracetamol we'll do instead of sambuca shots we'll just do shots of cow poll i'd fucking love that oh my god it's the best yeah i love it it's like cherry drops in. Oh my God, it's the best. Yeah. I love it. It's like cherry drops

in liquid form in other sweets. Oh, it's a special type of sweet tea and nostalgia and everything. When we were kids, we were driving over

to my Nana's. I love Dioralite as well. Dioralite. I'm only joking. It's horrible, isn't it? Good hangover cure, that though. I know.

Preemptive thing. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, don't you also take like antifungal medicine and fucking pregnancy vitamins before you go to sleep? Your hangover techers are fucking amazing. What I do, right, what I do,

I take some anti-balding medicine, but I put it up my fucking arse, right, and then I apply to become a member of the Liberal Democrat Party. And then I lie on the bed of Amber, and I fucking, I wake up fine. Your hangover techniques are fucking amazing. I remember driving to my nana's once when I was a kid, and she left me in the car.

She went to the shop, and my sister went as well, and there was cowpaw on the back shelf for some unknown fucking reason, and I was like, oh, this is naughty, and I was old enough to know to do that. You know, the childproof lock, unlocked it, pressed down,

unlocked it, and downed some fucking Calpol. Thank God there wasn't a full bottle. I don't know what it could do to you, but I was like, it's so sweet and tasty. It was just lovely. There's a blackcurrant.

Nearly OD'd on Calpol. Like for adults, like there's a blackcurrant cavonia. What's cavonia?onia cough medicine with clout the official strap line on the outfit yeah night nurse is good if you want a good night's sleep horlicks my mum used to have horlicks just as a drink like in the afternoon just before a nap no just like cleaning the room like taste like the taste of a Horlicks. Right. Yeah. Fancy a drink as well.

I'm going to have a drink tonight. I'm going to have a drink tonight at that conference we're attending. Yeah. Illegal gig-wise. Looking forward to that conference. Illegal gig-wise. Can I DJ? Yeah.

Because I just heard illegal and then you said gig and I was like, rave. I wanted to do a rave i wanted to there's been some illegal raves in liverpool really yeah yeah i used to go to those free parties we used to call them free parties yeah i think as once you label something illegal as an organizer you're sort of asking for trouble free parties like it's like the nazis you know adolf hitler's nazi they were like the national socialist party that's what they called themselves they were like we're the national socialist party and and honestly on the face of it if you're being naive you're like well i like

the country and socialism's for everybody but when you're like you're the nazi like man that doesn't sound good so we they were like free party so So you'd go clubbing, and it was always, I was seeing a girl called Faye, who's from near Leeds, and it'd be like, yeah, you're right. Where are you going afterwards? We'd be like clubbing in Leeds. There's a free party near Geyserley? And you'd be like, right, well, that sounds medieval.

We'd get a fucking taxi to some, like, back of a leisure centre and then into the woods, and there'd just be 25 bellends sat on the jackets, high as fuck, no drugs. One bellend would have like a five litre cider bottle and you'd regret all your life choices. So it sounds really edgy, like, we're going to a free party, we're

in the woods, the fucking busies don't know. Yeah, man, we're just living our lives. Two hours later, you're coming down, you're freezing your tits off in West Yorkshire. It's just not as crazy as it feels like it's going to be. A legal rave? There's no toilets. The woods is a toilet though, isn't it?

But that's a dangerous game to play in it. You've got drugs in your system. You need the toilet. How far from the base camp do you go? 100 yards. I'm the dickhead who'd be on pills in a field in west yorkshire in the woods in west yorkshire go for a shit and get lost like 100 yards away i just you stay with an earshot of the what you don't want to do is go so far you end up closer to a different rave

then you end up back there and you're like I know none of these people it's basically like you've accidentally reenacted prehistoric life you're not from our tribe no I am from other tribe but we're hard house

is that your impression of prehistoric man was there a prehistoric man minimal techno is of prehistoric man? Wait, wait, wait Was there a prehistoric man? Minimal techno What? Is man prehistoric? No That's the answer

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah No What? There's no prehistoric man No, of course there is Nearly all man is prehistoric Do you know what prehistoric means? It means recorded history

What the fuck has just popped up on your laptop? You've never really had a laptop up before, but I can see it's going to be interesting. Why did gay porn just pop up on your laptop? Because before we started recording the episode, I put gay porn on it so that... When you popped up? Yeah, just to show you.

Just make you laugh. But just what freaked me out is, A, when you pulled up that picture that quick, I was like, holy shit shit you have fast internet and also mate prehistoric man was doing a lot of gay blow jobs so stop oh mate come on is that what you googled and gay porn came oh my god oh my god oh i'm jordan and scotty Pippen I am that's like the uncut version of like

whoa do you know when you see gay porn you almost want it to be this is do you know

what I googled what do you think I googled honestly I that cannot be social distance that

that is can I just explain it? Okay. Massive. Gay porn. That's a man kissing another man's bum bum. And they're really big men. I don't know. He's still got his sunglasses on.

Oh, mate. Black guys love wearing sunglasses in porn. they're really big men I don't know he's still got his sunglasses on oh mate black guys love wearing sunglasses in porn cool as fuck that is a that is an aggressive position isn't it oh yeah prehistoric man yeah it's just whatever you know like

before recorded history yeah oh is that what prehistoric means so what did we said it yeah prehistory yeah yeah that doesn't exist does it really no no I know what you mean you mean Yeah. Oh, is that what prehistoric means? So what did we... He said it... Yeah. Prehistory, yeah. Yeah. That doesn't exist, does it, really?

No. No. I know what you mean. You mean existence of all time. Yeah. No, before time didn't exist. So this is before records began? Yeah, before there's any recorded history.

So how do we know what he looks like? What do you mean? If it wasn't recorded, how do we know what he looks like? What, you mean that's... That... That's... They found a skull. That's like a Neolithic man, and they've regenerated it using technology. But if they found the skull, then it's part of history, isn't it?

No, a skull's not history. Is it now? No, it's fucking bones of a dead person. We're talking like, you know, on this date in AD 6500 or something, old Jeff the Great of fucking Eritrea. So it's Jesus Peter Falk now? No, Jesus is part of history.

You know, because it's quite famously been written down, all that stuff. I don't know if you know. A lot of people still into that. It goes 50 shades, bible harry potter so so hang on the uncle jeff is he prehistory no no no because you met him right how are we jumping i want to come back to gay porn what are we talking about prehistoric man for? Do you know what? When you get two big dudes rimming each other up on a screen, that's going to break my concentration. It really is.

That was so much. That was so much. Just a century overload for you. But I honestly thought it was prehistoric man for a bit. I was like, how did we ever get to this point if that's what everyone was doing to them? I think, honestly, with prehistoric man, I don't think homophobia would have existed.

You know when they were just like, you know, there's no rules, was there? I think it probably got a bit physical in places. And I think if Uggabug was a big dude and, you know, doing a lot of upper body, I think he could basically do what he wanted to most people in his little... Do you reckon there was praise for trans people? I do not know and choose not to pontificate.

I've decided... I've decided... I've decided I've decided I've decided not to ask those I don't know I went to look at prehistoric gay guys Yeah so the next logical step from there is trans people isn't it LGBT Right

Look at you Then after that you've got the Q which is quarry workers how can you be so angry welcome to the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and quarry workers

march how can you be so angry with the government for the first 12 minutes of a podcast and then be doing prehistoric LGBT jokes.

Yeah, I think, I honestly think, I know it sounds ridiculous and I think prehistoric man was way more like listen, I'm massive, you're small, I'm going to do what I want. I think it was probably there was a lot of bullying. I think it was probably, it was a bit rapey. Yeah, they used to fucking

bash them over the head with a big stick and then bum them, didn't they? Yeah, I think what was probably a bit rapey. Yeah, they used to fucking bash them over the head with a big stick and then bum them, didn't they? Yeah, I think what's happened there is you've thought of cartoons that you've seen as a child of like, oomph, boom. But I don't think it was a million miles away from that. Captain Caveman. But was there a caveman that just came out

and he was like... Captain Caveman. Captain that caveman. Because the women wore like the... You know, like the Sab know like the saber-tooth tiger skins they wore them as like a bra and knicker set i've seen it on loads of stuff and then maybe one day oogbug was like just got an extra like found his own squirrel skinned it and then just put it over his boobs and was like and they was just

that was he was the first trans or gay no no trans yeah so you do think but I honestly I know

I'm not painting a great history of prehistoric man out there I honestly don't think sexuality was a big thing I think I think basically

the biggest dude just bang what he want and I don't know if you were big thing. I think basically the biggest dude just banged what he wanted. And I don't know if you were going to be able to stop him. Yeah. And I think... Like prison, innit? Prehistoric man was just prison. I think...

For everyone. Everyone was in prison. I wonder if it was a bit like, you know, like the gorilla pack. There's one dude... So the prehistoric man was like pet dinosaurs? I honestly think we're traversing potentially quite

an interesting point but the fact is we're both morons and we can't keep concentrating on something. Are you genuinely asking me? No, you're not.

Don't be silly. What do you mean? Are you genuinely asking me about dinosaurs? Do they have like a T-dex? What, they rode into town?

No, I'm joking. I am joking. But I think it would have been very like i'm the biggest dude unless you can kill me i'm banging all the women and you steve because pterodactyl was alive closer to this time now than it was to the t-rex oh my god dinosaurs were around he's doing fucking time he mate. He's doing dinosaur facts. What did they get done? Fuck all. Is that true?

What you just said? They didn't build anything. Did you? Is that a true fact? That the pterodactyl is that late, late period dinosaur? I think it was pterodactyl. I just spell it. P-T-E-R-O.

There it is. Pterodactyl. Is it a silent P? Closer to human. Can you learn stuff on this podcast, don't you? What have you got? It's nice that the gay porn didn't come up. So, pterodactyls,

as I say, they began in 1846. That can't be right. Jesus Christ. What? They were discovered in 1846. Is that what it means? That can't be right. That means they were around after slavery. Jesus Christ.

Queen Victoria's on the throne. It's the age of pterodactyls. I don't think you suit having an internet connection with this laptop in front of you. It hasn't come up with what I said. So far, we've had prehistoric man, gay women, and now fake pterodactyls. Pterodactyls can fly 67 miles an hour.

Jesus Christ. They can cruise at 56 yeah they see me cruising how do you think you do as a just concentrate how do you think

you do as a prehistoric man how do you think you do I reckon I reckon I'm more suited to that time I don't know

if you are why I don't know I see I love more suited to that time. I don't know if you are. Why? I don't know. I love your confidence. Honestly, the Adam Rowe brand of confidence is phenomenal. Because I honestly think if I went, listen, here's a sewing kit. How do you reckon you do?

Fucking dag good. I've got nimble fingers. I've always thought it. I haven't, you know. Fucking. I'm not good with fiddly things. I fucking love a plique. No, I'm not good with fiddly things. I fucking love a plique. No, I'm not good with fiddly things.

I... If the pound, the money collapses, society goes down and it goes a bit more feral and it goes back to prehistoric man and it goes back to, like, who's the biggest dude? I am... I am in a lot of trouble. I reckon I'd be alright. I need to... I've got a baseball bat.

No, I'd... Do you honestly think you'd be okay? Yeah, I reckon I'm more suited to, like, older trouble. I reckon I'd be alright. I need to... I've got a baseball bat. No, I'd... Do you honestly think you'd be okay? Yeah, I reckon I'm more suited to, like, older times. I reckon the further you go back, the more suited I am. Do you know what I mean?

I fart in front of Jade all the time. You're not telling me prehistoric woman was like, uh, what are you doing? Oh, yeah, I see what you mean. She just took it, do you know what I mean?

You, however, if you went back in your modern form and you just got thrown back into, like, a tribal prehistoric man setting, you would be what i mean you however if you went back in your modern form and you just got thrown back into like a tribal prehistoric man setting you would be a thousand times more feminine than the most feminine female homo sapien maybe for like a week but then i may hug bug if you just got transported back to like a hundred thousand bc and plonked in a hug bug bugger be like, oh he pretty, oh

yeah because prehistoric woman would be fucking hairy her teeth would be gone, mate if you lived to the age of 20 did they not brush their teeth? it's literally what killed off most humans was some fucking problem with the tooth, like if you go

back 100,000 years, I bet life expectancy was like 20 20 years, if you were 25 you were like grandad like if you go back a hundred thousand years I bet life expectancy was like twenty twenty years if you were twenty five you were like grandad if you turned up all shaved and wearing fucking

aftershave and you'd clean your balls in the last six months the ugg bugger would be like oh he pretty lady say that over and over

the next time like today's podcast is brought to you by Manscaped they fucking own you oh it's such a new oh i've always wondered about teeth like you know we have to brush our teeth or they'll fall out and they become weak and you get gum disease and all that yeah why don't dogs have

to brush their teeth oh because they've got their different teeth. They've got stronger teeth. Why haven't we got them? How do we get them? Right. I think we've dealt with too much in this first section. Borderline freak me out. If you take Adam's gigs away and you give him an internet-connected laptop,

it doesn't help his ADD. How do I get dog teeth? It's a simple fucking question. You've got two. Yeah. Canines. Are you telling me I don't have to brush those too? I don't know, mate.

I don't know how dogs teeth work. You're so mis... Okay. Should we just take it? Well, let's have a little word from our sponsors while you fucking work that out. Is that alright? How's to brush your dog's teeth?

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when you check out and your balls are going to be thanking you. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code WORD at manscaped.com. Two mics, two leads, and a lot of time on their hands. This is Have A Wad. Before we crack on with this bit, lads, I just want to say, any Liverpool fans listening,

we don't do much fussy stuff on the pod, as you know, but got this amazing Alison Beckertop sent to me free from an account on Instagram called at LFC Jürgen go and check him out and buy some stuff off him he's a nice lad and he sent me a free t-shirt

so there you go fucking champions in England lads and if you are listening to the podcast and not watching it still go to

instagram.com slash LFC Jürgen he's got loads of stuff he's a dead sound lad. Just want to give him a little plug. What are we doing now, Dan? Got some follow-up. We've got some questions

and some follow-up. Have we? Well, that's good. Lewis Rolfe says, Alright lads, been listening since day one but this is first time I felt compelled to write in.

Just been listening to episode 77 where Adam was talking about amy from his primary school having no arse found out it wasn't amy it was kira that's honestly not pertinent okay sorry it's not is it though i mean the bumhole is more important than the name do you not think there's no context have a word yeah i mean that's just she could be called anything she ain't got a bum hole she could be called princess fucking whatever

princess consuela banana hammock consuela banana hammock did you get that reference no friends did you not watch friends oh shit I've not watched it as much as you

oh you fucking pube just got into Bob's Burgers I've heard it's good oh my god it's really good it's Burgers I've heard it's good Oh my god It's really good It's funny And my daughter loves it I mean she's sat watching something good

With my daughter She's like I want to watch Bob's Burgers I'm like fucking I do And it's Comedy Central seem to have Friends still all the time Bob's Burgers And I'm not sure they play anything else

That seems to be their like staple Like we're going to throw this out Oh fresh off the boat as well there seems to be a lot of my argument like in comedy there's like a sneer towards friends isn't it like it's like uncool to say you like friends have you ever noticed that or do you not notice it because we've talked about on the pod before haven't we yeah yeah i just that's always my argument is until you've written a sitcom Yeah. I just, that's always my argument is until you've written a sitcom,

which 20 years after it's canceled or ends, it wasn't canceled. Was it? They decided not to do anymore. 20 years later, it's still on the number one comedy channel in the world for 12 hours a day. Then shut the fuck up. Yeah. It's like anything that's popular though.

It's, it's like Michael McIntyre in it. Everyone's like, I don't know. Michael McIntyre. He's like, yeah, but he still lives in a house bigger than your fucking high school let's see you follow him and then but i will say this i think the friends dislike if you come to

someone my age i'm 39 sort of grew up on friends all through my teenage years that was the the thing and i've gone back and done seinfeld but, but I was a baby when Seinfeld was out. And it wasn't on any British TV channels. Like it wasn't on channel four, like the same as it was with friends. Seinfeld got going back. Seinfeld is excellent. It's such a good watch.

And I think maybe without Seinfeld, there wouldn't be friends as it was. I think there's definitely a sort of similarity. You can see it. And without friends, there wouldn't be How I Met Your Mother. How I Met Your Mother was literally, like, apparently in the executive lounge

of whatever the TV channel was, they were like, right, Friends is ending, and I want our channel to make the new one. So we want five or six friends it's all about them an ensemble cast and it's mainly set in their apartment

or two apartments and a public place so they went for a bar instead of a coffee house and they literally went and there's so many similarities like I watch both of them I'm such a shit sitcom whore like for

a comedian who's obsessed with comedy the way i am and dead sneery about stand-up and i know what i like and this is good and that shit you're a two pints of lager and a packet of crisps i love her just an open goal tapping of a sitcom um when you said that initially i was like oh that's not good like i sneer at that yeah i find that that greater which ralph ralph on the podcast and tell him it was very talented royal family i'd talk about the royal family that i really liked and you talk about two pints of log and a packet of chris and i'd be like but there's so many similarities between how i met your mother and friends like ted from How I Met Your Mother is Ross.

Right. They're both professors. They both date students. The girl they're after for the whole series is Robin and Rachel, who are essentially the same people who wants to focus on the career but ends up falling for the main character, really. And then you've got Monica, who is Lily andly and chandler's marshall and once they're together they're together there's a couple of wobbles but they're a forever couple and then

you've got barney who is literally just joey just a lothario who shags multiple women and never really wants to commit until he really falls in love with rachel slash robin and then they didn't put phoebe in it because she was always boring. I mean, there's a reason why How I Met Your Mother isn't ever going to be held up as one of the all-time greats, is it? If it's basically a re-badge. Yeah, it is.

But it's like The Office and Parks and Rec. The Office was groundbreaking when it was brought out over here. The documentary-style sitcom turned into little interviews with camera like it was a documentary over here the documentary style sitcom like turning to camera little interviews with camera like it was a documentary and apparently they were like right what we're going to do we need to do something like a spin-off and that's when parks and rec was made by a different studio by a different tv station but if you watch parks and rec you're like

this is the fucking office except it's set in porny indiana and it's under the guise of being parks and rec but it's all the same and with those sitcoms that they need you to suspend disbelief because they're just like it's just a fucking laugh mate yeah yeah it's like in parks and rec there's a character who's in the first season there was a hole built and someone's a nurse and her boyfriend's falling in it so they keep visiting them because he's they're like threatening legal action and by series three that nurse and that boyfriend both work at the parks and rec department and they're just like yeah um the city council need a nursery advisor role and i'm like oh you're perfect for it and chris pratt is the guy he ends up working up it's just they're not trying to make

it realistic it's just like oh shut up you're meh it's just a fucking tv show yeah it's uh it's all good fun what about the one with the why i'm blanking on the name have we gone from the history of sitcoms from someone hasn't got a bummo we'll get we'll get back to it how i met your bummo we're so bad for this you know you're you're particularly bad today no you're you're on one today i think it's because you it's because our cage has been rattled and you'll deal with your i can see it in you you're like enjoying yourself and angry and then and then and then funny and anger and then fucking gay porn on the laptop it's there's a lot going on if you drink tonight no don't go where you going where you going on the laptop. There's a lot going on. If you drink tonight, no, don't go. Where are you going?

Where are you going on the internet? What are you doing? I googled bumming, but nothing's come up. Why has a child come up as bumming? There's a picture of a child. There is, on Google. It's the first image. They're all like pretend bumming.

I wanted some real stuff to... What's the one with the four four geeks and the hot girl why have i blanked on that well what's the sitcom that's like big bang 30 i mean massively massively popular you're like have you seen me i've watched it i've watched laura laura liked it when we met she was like have you ever met and i was a bit snobby about it i was like yeah but the youtube where there's no laughter there's no laughter after off i've watched it. I've watched, Laura liked it when we met. She was like, have you ever, and I was a bit snobby about it. I was like, yeah, but the YouTube where there's no laughter, there's no can laughter.

Yeah, there's no laughter off. I've watched that and you're like, yeah, it's just lighthearted. It's meant to be for people who are just like, I can't be arsed thinking about stuff. My complaint with these things is they're loved by people who only love them and can't be arsed with any more difficult reading

in terms of what they watch. They're like, no, I really like Parks and Rec, and Big Bang Theory's amazing. What about something like Kirby and Thewes? I don't like it, it's just depressing, it's just weird. That's why fans of those shows get criticised, because it is very, very easy watching. It isn't totally realistic.

The characters are caricatures. They're not real. But people are like, I like it. I like that. When me and Bondi lived together for a bit, he was like, we should write a sitcom. And I was like, right, okay. Well, I've never written a sitcom or done any writing.

I've done UK club comedy for 15 years so it's a mistake for me to think i'm an expert on comedy i he's just as much an expert on sitcoms as me and he was like no but it'd be good while while we're living together we should do something and then he was like he was like right this is my idea yeah it's like a sitcom set in a games workshop, right? Like, because it's not been done. And then, right, one of the characters is like, like a fucking, a really geeky guy, and he's dead into the games workshop.

And then one of the guys is like a cool Asian guy, and he's like not even bothered, but he just works there. And then the manager's like- I can already, in my head, I can see you pitching this to the BBC and them going, that's really good for our diversity, actually. And then he was like, and then there's a girl that works there

and she's hot, but she doesn't really care about it and everyone fancies her. And the manager is slightly older and he used to be into Games Workshop, but like now he's not bothered about it. And I was like, Bondi, without like ripping off

a sitcom you've swapped physics for you've literally come up it's how have you managed to do that

you've basically gone this is it's exactly what we were talking about on the Patreon episode we were talking about formulate comedy and we were talking

about Lee Evans even though it's a different joke you've sort of seen the joke before that sitcom is he's managed to come up with this and

he was like no but it's original because no one's ever done it and you're like it's not fucking original it's like a big bang theory it's the it it's the it's the it crowd it's all of those sitcom ideas and essentially what you're doing is got a, but it's like an idea of a person. It's not a real person. And that type of, of like, like TV comedy just makes me feel a bit meh. I'm like, well,

it's, and then you watch Fleabag just as something in the last few years, it's been interesting. And you're watching, you go, I've never seen this story before. And I'm laughing. I'm,

it's exciting. And it's original. It's just basically about a woman's like dealing with her sexuality and her mental health and it's incredibly honest and it's challenging and and you're watching it going i'm laughing at this but i'm also a little bit amazed that someone has had the bravery to write this script and be going these are real people and i'm putting them in situations that are believable, but no one's watching it going, sin it.

And that is, to me, way more exciting. And I get the lighthearted TV stuff, but you also want something to be exciting and original. I think there's absolutely a place for both. And I tell people when, because certainly with this podcast as well now, and there was only a couple of months where I was doing gigs after this podcast started, but people were starting to come

to my shows as a result of this show, and because we've spoken about stand-up and comedy in depth like this, I think some people think I'm a proper comedy snob, and I'm not, so some people will be like, oh, you know Jack White jack white all these fucking shit any and jack white all is not someone i would watch but i think he absolutely needs to be there for the people that do we've had so many emails that sort of hint like literally got emails here from listeners and they're just i mean our listeners uh take the piss and everything but you can feel the tone of it it's not being cunty but like even harry robinson here would you lids ever go on something like i'm a celebrity to give you a career boost i.e joel domic and he's and what harry robinson do is doing there is going

would you ever do what he fucking did you take the piss out of joel domic because i'm not that keen and it's the same with jack whitehall there's an undercurrent with any email we get about jack whitehall the people are like is he a cunt? I'm not sure. Is he shit? Is he shit? And you think, mate, we know how hard it is to do what he does. Yeah.

He fucking smashes. Yeah. And he can do things I can't do, but he's also doing a lot of things I don't want to do. But I still think he should be a comedian. I think he's still, you can of things I don't want to do. But I still think he should be a comedian. I think he's still... You can't say someone isn't funny when they can make 10,000 people in a room laugh at once.

You just can't. You can say you don't like them. Yeah. That's allowed. It's not your thing. I had a comment on, you know, that Victoria's Secret routine I've put out. It's doing quite well on Instagram, on IGTV.

It's just slowly creeping up, getting more likes and getting comments from people who don't follow me, which means it's being shown to other people. And someone last night just commented, this isn't funny. And I was like, it is though, isn't it? Because it's wall-to-wall laughter and applause.

It's got 600 likes on Instagram and there's about 100 comments going this is amazing. So objectively, it is funny. Like it is is what you mean is you don't like it and that's fine but not subjectively objectively it's funny because enough people are enjoying it where you can't yeah it's like when people watch football and as a player on the other team and you know you're talking to someone who doesn't

involve their intellect or reason when talking about their fandom of their team yeah so if you're a massive liverpool fan like yeah what do you think of uh skulls fucking cunt you're like i think paul skulls midfielder though no he's fucking shit i ate him i think he was all right right listen it's not the fucking point What I'm trying to say is Some people are like No I fucking ate him I don't know if he'd have done As good a job as Mark Noble

As if he'd have been At West Ham his entire career Fucking stupidly mentioned Fucking Liverpool When I was trying to make a point And now Lid is literally Backing up my point By going

No you're wrong Jordan Henderson Will get in And captain Any Man United side Of all time Boring Nevermind Stupidly Boringly made it up Your fault wrong Jordan Henderson will get in and captain any Man United side of the ball boring boring

nevermind stupidly boringly made about football I forgot you can't talk about football I can't

so why it's your fault for bringing it up it's totally my fault but people can't watch comedians that they don't like without having that

visceral reaction of like fuck this is shit and you're like no it's definitely not like it's not is it because you're not playing the xl arena or wherever you're playing if you're shit but you might not like it that's all it's the same as how i met your mother yeah how you met your mother

shit it's it's not too bad people do watch it but you're allowed to not like something but people don't people don't do that and weirdly with comedy they get annoyed if people like I've seen it in comedy clubs where someone's you're ripping and someone doesn't like you

and when people around them are laughing it actually enrages them even more like if if they're like I don't like them

and if they're hearing laughter you can hear people go why I've seen knobheads at comedy clubs go why are you laughing shit

no mate you just don't like me imagine going to a comedy club and being that much just don't like me that's allowed to a comedy club and being that much of a prick anyway right this person never had a bum hole shout out to paul scoles fucking hell who did have a bum hole did he have a bum hole he did oh you literally use it though because he was always full of shit very well done great bit of humour and that's what you can expect here at Have A Worth Part so you were talking about

it's Kira with the no bum hole yeah very important we had the same thing with a kid called Eric aka Pooh Bag they called him Pooh Bag did he have a bag to put him in is that what it was it lacks imagination

that done it if the kid's been born without a bum hole and he's got a colostomy bag I know it's the I love a nickname that you can just see where it's come from

straight away he's got a bag it's full of poo he's poo bag that really is the two packets two pints of lager and a packet of crisps

that's the lowest hanging fruit if you've got a game with a colostomy, there must be a nickname worn up from there that would be a bit more inventive. Steel nicknames are always like that. It's always very basic. He's got a thigh in his eyelids.

Thigh eye. Yeah, well, that was quite creative on your account, wasn't it? No. I had a massive forehead. I just got called Slaphead. But then one of the kids in the older years called me moomin and that's funny everyone was like great shout you should never have told our listeners that right the worst was when i got called danger mouse that took off that that really took off and you know the worst thing is when you're getting stick right

when you get in because i had big ears right i got called danger mouse and i could see it danger mouse oh i would like one of our listeners to create some danger mouse artwork using dan's face as soon as possible. Thank you very much. It's not going to be hard. Just stick my eyes on Danger Mouse and you've got it.

One of you's made a joke about Amy being plumbed in. This was literally the case with Eric. He had a weird hole in his stomach and it was connected to a little bag he strapped to him. His colostomy bag. But kids called him his poo bag,

hence the nickname. Mate, Lewis, I can't believe you just explained the nickname poo bag about a kid with a colostomy bag but kids called him his poo bag hence the nickname mate lewis i can't believe you just explained the nickname poo bag about a kid with a colostomy bag i'm just so glad he got in touch because you didn't fucking believe me the other day did you no i didn't i thought you'd like weirdly remembered some poo bag related fucking childhood memory exactly so he was pretty sound about it and used to crack on with the jokes and that he used to do this thing where in class he'd let his bag off he'd just unscrew the valve a bit and let out a rancid he'd let out a smell and just sit there

laughing because he was used to it because you never bothered about your own smell that's like a fucking superpower that that's not just a fart that's like a fucking shit goblin fart yeah and it's it's poo that's probably been sat there for a while, isn't it? Or, this is genius, when he was playing footy, if you were marking him, he'd just let his valve go a little bit, so he fucking stunk. How can you play footy with a bag of shit on you? Mate, poo bags was a mean fucking winger, apparently.

Not wing, you've got to be central, haven't you, if you've got a poo bag. He's got to be like a defensive midfielder he can't be moving much he's just the pivot yeah he's doing Lee Catamull instead of breaking people's legs

he can't slide tackle because imagine ripping the bag you don't need to you just let the poo bag off someone's coming to the ball and they're like and they just give up playing football

and you hoof it the logistics of playing footy with a bag of poo on your back I just don't anyway thank you Lewis that was really Anyway, thank you, Lewis. That was really good. No, thank you, Lewis, from me. Because now he knows

that I wasn't talking shit with him the other day. The girl without a bumhole. And Carl. I've been trying to convince Carl that I was telling the truth about this. My best mate for about ten fucking years and he always bursts out laughing

and calls me a knobhead and I've now got corroborating evidence. Corroborating? I've been watching The Good Wife again. Can we have a quick question? Because I want to know your answer on this. Talking about you putting stuff out. Let's do a question,

then we'll have an advert and then we're going to be back with our second guest. Oh, we need to get some lunch in, have a little sit down. We've got our guest. Just so you know guys, coming up in the second half today, we have got, who've we get some lunch in, have a little sit down. We've got our guest. Just so you know, guys, coming up in the second half today, we have got,

who have we got? What's his name? Paul Scholes. Paul Scholes. We'll talk about his bum hole. We've got Justin Morehouse. I bet you'd be dead nice to Paul Scholes if he was here.

I wouldn't. I would. I bet you would. I would. Of course you would. Of course I would, but I'd also wind him up, I'd also say,

I'd ask that question, I'd go, look, right, you spent your time at Manchester United, obviously very fortunate to do so. Do you think you would have been any better than, right, you spent your time at Manchester United. Obviously, very fortunate to do so. Do you think you would have been any better than Mark Noble if you spent your whole career at West Ham? I would absolutely do that.

Of course I would. Yeah. I'd love to fucking do that. He's going to go, no, I think you're right, Adam. Good point. Isn't it? Because he's going to say yes.

I'd just like to wind him up a bit. I'd fucking love to get to the point where we've got footballers on this Zinedine Zidane was asked what's it like to be the best footballer in the world and he said, ask Paul Scholes yeah felt like that was a really good point

until it all came out of my mouth and you went in my head I was like why are we listening to Zinedine Zidane as I was saying it I was like you've got him on the ropes here don and you just literally completely fucking collapsed then you just went no bet i was like oh yeah sorry um we've got justin morris coming up haven't we in the second half yeah we

have we don't know justin morris is star of phoenix night star of live the apollo gonna be in the studio but first a question uh wayne taylor vickery, are you going to do a comedy special again? And Dan, have you got any plans to do a special? So your special, Club Comic, was released right in the middle of the pandemic. Closing in on 50,000 views, which is amazing. So if you haven't checked that out, youtube.com slash adamrowcomedy.

I think you're done now though, aren't you? That'll be you. You've peaked, haven't you? Yeah. So we'll probably leave it now. It's not how it works. I think I'm going to do Club Comic. Wayne, it's not how it works. think you're done now though aren't you that'll be you you've peaked aren't you yeah so we probably leave it now it's not how it works i think i'm gonna do wayne it's not how it works he's gonna keep doing them i think i'm gonna do club comic too i think i'm gonna film because i've still got about 40 minutes of stand-up that isn't on that special yeah um and i'm gonna film all of that

at hot water comedy club as soon as i'm allowed to. I need to get gig fit again first, but I'll probably film it early next year. And then I'll start working on a full hour that we'll do in a theatre. And I'm planning to release something similar. It's called Pub Comic. It's kind of similar, but it's just a little bit different. Chew in the corner of a Wetherspoons. It's basically the first 18 years of my career.

I'm just going to get a camera crew to follow me for a week of depressing midweek gigs in Swinton, Greater Manchester. I would like to do something. I have got plans afoot. It's amazing how the game has changed since even 10 years ago when you were starting out. There were so many less comedians. And in your head, you were like,

you get really good on the circuit, you become a headliner, you go to Edinburgh, someone goes, you're good for TV. And if it doesn't happen, you're fucked. And now there's so much more options in terms of self-promotion, developing your own stuff, like what you've done with Club Comic. And I'm still like,

I think I'm better than most comics in the country especially the ones my age and above but compared to adam i'm just like so behind on the times i've got i've got some stuff on the internet i do need to look at either clay in some of my old stuff or new stuff and doing it but it's amazing how it's changed yeah so i'd love to do it in like with have a word and do it properly. Well, I think we're going to do, I think the next special I put together will be,

we'll be using our equipment, our cameras, our, our forthcoming staff and stuff. And it will be a have a way production. Like we we've spoke about this between ourselves. And I think we've sort of hints that on the podcast before, but we don't intend for have a way now to stop at this podcast we wanted to grow and grow into

a podcast network with other podcasts that are produced by us and we want to be made by us yeah you know you've got other projects you want to do yeah I've got other projects you want to do totally and we want to be producing stand-up specials both for ourselves and given our colleagues and opportunities to shoot stand-up specials where they haven't had either the opportunity or the ingenuity to do it themselves um this is not the end for however we're getting the studio this is very very much the start and all i want to do for the rest of my life is do stand-up film stand-up specials and do this podcast and maybe a couple of other little projects I'm very content with my life

as soon as I'm allowed to gig again what about gay porn yeah that's a past time isn't it we've got the equipment I'm not touching your bum hole

unless there's a would you rather involved you've got I don't think we could do it with each other couldn't we no no

Barry Dodds get Barry in for you oh mate which comedian if you had to do gay porn, would you do gay porn? Milo McCabe. Milo McCabe.

He is beautiful, isn't he? We were gigging away. Either Milo McCabe or Quincy. Oh, big black guy? Is that because of the porn you've just been watching? He's got long hair. Right. We were gigging away. Milo, me, Kai Humphries,

brilliant comedians. We did an Alps trip and we got there and the Australian wife of the guy whose fucking chalet we were staying in was literally sat there over dinner. She'd gone quiet. This is how good looking Milo is. We're all talking, we're all having a laugh.

And then I noticed that she'd gone very quiet and she was just staring full of half a bottle of wine and in the middle of someone talking just went you're very attractive you know you could be a male model mate of in the middle of dinner literally talking across her husband who was having a conversation who was fucking fucking paying us, feeding us, putting us up, went, basically went, Jesus Christ, I'll fuck you right here. And everyone just went, okay. And Milo's so good looking.

He's obviously, he wasn't shocked. He'd be like, yeah, this happens every three days. I was like, I nearly went, madam,

put your flaps away. He can fucking dance as well, Milo, you know. I've been on a night out with Milo and he's all like, oh no. Dude, what's his thing? You know, I hate it. I've been on a night out with Milo and he's all like oh no what's his thing you know

I hate it I've been out good looking comedians always make me suspicious Jimmy McGee's good looking very good comedian very fucking good looking we went out drinking once

after a gig in Cardiff out in the club everyone's having a great time he was sweating like a fucking summertime nonce and it really it really made me happy

I was like yes God yes you've made him funny interesting good looking but he sweats like a fucking pedo I was so happy

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I'm going, I'm getting my saving. These guys are amazing. Trans Alloy Wheels Limited. Get them on Facebook, Insta, online, the lot. Nice one, lads. I don't know about you, but I'm feeling triggered. It must be Hoverword with Adam and Dave.

So, welcome back to the Hoverword podcast with me, Adam Rowe, and my co-host Dan Nightingale. How are you, Dan? Hi. Thanks for having me on, Adam. I'm really glad to be here on a platform to talk about the issues transgender rights and sweaty... Why? Why? What? It's 20 seconds in and you've already been a knobhead.

We're about 80 episodes in and I've been a knobhead on everyone. Oh Justin Morehouse is here. Justin Morehouse is here. Talking about sweating. It is warm though, isn't it? It is. It is warm. It's been warm today, but I've been in the car

most of the day. Have you got air con? Of course I have. You think this is 1985? You think he's got a Ford Escort? Yeah, yeah. Never talk about anything around Justin's money. You get to be like, shut the fuck up. I'm a working class lad done good. I think he's got a Ford Escort. Never talk about anything around Justin's money.

You get to be like, shut the fuck up. I'm a working class lad done good. I am. Yeah. But that doesn't mean he can't have air con in his car. Who hasn't got air con in the car? Like,

who hasn't? I don't know. My dad has been on the dole for like 10 years and he's got air con in his car. Saz. Have you got air con in your car? Yeah. I really want to's got air con in his car. Saz. Have you got air con in your car? Yeah, I really want to not have air con just to sort of win this argument.

I don't even know if I'd be winning. I'd be sweating constantly. Mate, I would fucking weep if I didn't have cruise control anymore. That's how Tory I've become recently. You know, now, whenever I think about getting a new car, all I care about, all I care about is what it's like inside. If it's got CarPlay, it's got CarPlay now.

I'm not messing about without having Spotify just there and Waze just there and everything just there. What's CarPlay? When you say CarPlay, is that like a fancy Bluetooth? Oh, hang on. Here we are. Do you not know what CarPlay is? This is like a fucking Champions League footballer

having a conversation with a fucking league winner. You know, when Nike sends you the really nice football boots, you don't have to get them from J.J. Sports. No, the Apple CarPlay. So you plug it, so you get your car, you plug it on the newer models now, it just does it on Wi-Fi, Bluetooth, and it mirrors your phone onto the card's display.

Right. So it's got a series of apps on there. Oh, that's nice. Right, now, yeah, yeah, yeah. I do know what you're talking about now. Yeah. But you haven't got it. No.

Right. I've just bought the second-hand Kia Sportage. It's got 2010 Volvo. How old is it? It's 2017. I'm sure it's got it on it. You just never found it. No, no, no. The dash is not that fancy. Like, it'm sure it's got it on it. You just never found it. No, no, no.

The dash is not that fancy. Like, it's still got a CD player on it. Right. 2017? Yeah, it's mad, isn't it? That's like your... 2017 is like your answer phone message. Oh, did you get that before?

Yeah, that joke. Have you heard his answer phone message? No. I haven't changed it. It goes... He always picks the phone up to you, Dan. He always picks the phone up. Can I guess what it is that makes it really 2017?

Because he says it's 2017. Oh, right. I thought he was going to do a Brexit bit in his answer phone. Leave me a message and I'll try and... 52% of me might get back to you. And you know, he says, he says, it goes, the person who, and he cuts in says he goes the person who and he cuts in then

and goes sorry it's 2017 who's leaving a message anyway oh you've dated your answer phone message I say text me it's 2017

as if I'm listening to your answer phone message oh it's like talking to the past isn't it yeah amazing I recorded it in 2017 and I haven't felt the need

to go back and do a new one no I only got a smartphone in 2015. My daughter's answer phone message. She just goes, hi,

it's my name. Cause I'm not going to tell you her name. Cause hi, it's my name. Uh, leave me a message. I'm not going to ring you back. And every time I hear it,

I'm like, you're not getting any pocket money. I'll just shout up the stairs. Do you leave voice messages generally? Um, not really just for work stuff. I would do, out up the stairs. Do you leave voice messages generally? Not really. Just for work stuff I would do. But I'm a massive advocate.

This is one of my things. I'm a big believer in mirror the method of communication. I started doing that with you and it drives Jay mad because you're a voice note cunt, aren't you? You love a voice note. I like his voice notes. I like communicating like that. I like that i like

that i like it yeah my missus yeah hates it because you're the only person i do it with everyone else i'm a text everyone else in your life but then every now and then she'll just be in the house she knows i'm not on the phone and i'll just be like all right mate you're like yeah so this blah blah blah blah and she's like will you just text them will you just fucking text them i don't need to hear everything you're fucking saying. I think it's fair to say that at the start of this podcast, I was one of Jade's favourite North West comedians. I don't think I am anymore.

I think there's been an... But I think it's efficient. You press your little microphone button. You're basically leaving... You're having a phone call. You're basically having a phone call. In your own time. In your own time.

You've got a little bit of... It's not like... It's like tennis where you can have a little think about it. Yeah having a phone call. In your own time. In your own time. Yeah. You've got a little bit. It's not like, it's like tennis where you can have a little think about it. Yeah, it's nice. It's fucking beautiful. You do voice notes though, like a kid writes a book report.

You like summarize it all. He does, he does. So in conclusion, he'll say often, yeah. He does. But anyway, this is how much podcasting I've been doing. I finish a WhatsApp, we've got a patron,

patron.com slash everwordpod. Follow us online. What I was saying is, so I'm a big believer and I'm an advocate for the mirror the method of communication. Somebody texts you, text them back. Have you ever texted somebody and they ring you straight back? It's not that urgent, mate. You only ring me back if I say ring me because i'm bleeding

yeah yeah that's that essentially you're if you do that what you're doing is going i don't care i just want to speak to you i'm in the doctor's waiting room that's why i'm texting you prick the only exception is if you're driving it's important yeah but with apple carplay you can reply with a text message justin driving around and his fucking hummer just all beige leather like yeah phone whoever tried to whatsapp me i don't drive somebody's you i don't have a hummer i've got a mini you just see me i know it's beautiful very nice really nice i think that is very considerate communication.

I'm going to throw this out there now. If you use Facebook Messenger too much, you're pissing me off. It's a bit nonce. I don't have my notifications on on Facebook Messenger. I check it like once every three days and there'll be messages. The only people I Facebook message

are people I haven't got the number yet for. It should really be like relatives that you don't give a shit about. Like if you're anti-messages, you're like, oh, I forgive you because you don't know what you're doing. I've got a mate who sometimes sends a WhatsApp, sometimes rings, sometimes texts, sometimes Facebook messages.

You're like, this is fucking weird. Somebody needs to get an app which gathers all your messages and puts them in one place. Justin, it's just like your car in it you've been spoiled by this car i just get in and it knows everything i just want one out there just yeah sometimes i'm going right i know that that asked me to do this thing and you know how did he is it no it's not on whatsapp it's not on facebook messenger it's not on text did he email me then you're trying to find the actual letter yeah my god he sent an actual

instagram note you know like who's messaging on instagram instagram messages are to tell someone you like the story they just that is it yeah i'm bad with phone calls i think i've mentioned this before i on the pod i get like anxious on the phone i hate being on the phone i need like unless it's really important and quick and i can deal with that but like if i've got like a phone call with my agents and we've got the same agents they they know they have to give me a day i'm ringing you tomorrow about this because if i pick an important phone call up i just oh your red's not in it no like last week when i had to cancel that virgin contract and sort my dad's sky out that day on the phone at the end of it like i nearly just

downed a bottle of whiskey just to get myself literally just remembered a phone call from a few weeks ago when we were planning the studio and we'd been doing whatsapp messages and then i rang you and you were like what do you want and i was like oh it must be something must be going on with jade and now i realize it was like you can't you ringing? I was like, this is more efficient. He's a lot younger than us. We grew up ringing people. They grew up messaging people. My mate Chloe from The Frog is 24. We did a podcast together, tried to get that off the ground

and we've become quite good mates. And she has had to tune in to me ringing her because I'll do a few messages and go oh fuck i want to find out how you're doing and ring and the first couple of times i did it she answered the phone laughing yeah she's like hello i'm like you're right she's like what are you doing yeah yeah i'm ringing you you can ring me if you text me to let me know you're gonna ring me oh yeah but you're that's you being a bit weird about it. As much as I love you, that is a bit weird. We'll put this out as a poll on the Twitter.

I reckon most people under the age of 35 will agree with me. You better let me know when you're ringing me. Yeah, you sound like it's an out-of-hours phone call. Then I get it. If it's before 9 a.m. and before before after what's the cut off 9pm there better be a fucking family emergency I think weekends we're allowed to ring until midnight comedians only a comic

though yeah yeah imagine ringing your best mate who's not a comic at 10 past 11 you alright mate I'm driving back from fucking Leeds I don't give a shit you know the worst calls I get my brother right who's a bit younger than me he's not like me. He likes rugby, right?

My brother... Says it all. Says it all. Sums it all. He'll get pissed on a Saturday afternoon at the rugby with the lads, and then he'll ring me at, like, 6.30, 7 o'clock to, like, have a, like, why don't you ever fucking ring me? Why don't you love me?

Why are we not tight? I go, because you're the kind of bellend that rings me when I'm on my way to my start of my working week. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I'm in the dressing room of a comedy club. Yeah. And you're like, I just don't think you've been there for me enough.

Yeah. I love you, though. You know. I keep getting tickets to the rugby. You never come with me. But he rings me at half six, and I just go, I've not got time for this now. Why?

Because I'm on my way to work. Like, if I rang you on a Tuesday morning at half six when you're in at seven, I'd start telling you I loved you when I was pissed. That's a cry for help, innit? Yeah. I'll tell you what, the other rules is, the other people that are freakiest comics,

you can ring your mates on a Saturday night, and you know if you hear the road, it's great. As soon as you don't hear the road, you're like, oh, shit, you're home already? Have you got a night off? And've got a night off sorry mate but uh my mates who are dads now yeah any weekday morning if i'm in the mood for a chat at 20 past seven i don't even have to pre-amble i'll ring and if you rang and if i rang you at 20 past seven and woke here that could be the end of this podcast if i ring my mates better matt they're like you're all right mate how you doing they're they're an hour in, full of coffee.

It's a great time to chat. Yes. I don't mind a chat in the car when I don't have to hold the phone. Hang on. I'm in the car. This isn't anxiety. It's just laziness. Yeah.

Yeah, but that's something else my generation do. We just say we're mentally ill when really we're just in a mood. Fucking, I did not appreciate my generation there justin yeah yeah well he lumped you in with each other as if like you're younger than us i'd say that i'm taking it yeah i'd say that you are young yeah how old are you 50 50 oh hang on we're three different generations here i'm 39 oh yeah we are yeah same one I'll tell you what's funny

though in comedy no I'm not sorry I was just in comedy we've talked about this before how age just goes

out of the window it's who you start with no but yeah that's almost like a soft spot but really who you can be proper mates with

and who you sound with and who you respect it's all about what you can do in a gig yeah yeah like you're 50 i'm 40 he's near he's not even 30 but if you can smash and you can close and you wash it off you're like yeah you're all right you could be 60 and shit and i'd be like this is a fucking shit i was talking to somebody the other day about uh comedians and um i've talked to somebody who's not a comedian about somebody um somebody yeah okay good i like we're pulling punches yeah and no no it's that phrase where they go uh you know uh have you seen barry chuckle's work

you go yeah you go is he funny and they go he's a nice lad it's the biggest insult in comedy if you get asked if someone is good at stand-up what's he like he's a nice lad yeah he's a really nice guy

and all the best comedians are cunts as well he's dead sound he's dead sound and then it's the pause and then I'm not sure I wouldn't book him

but he's alright for middles yeah I'd book him because he's good for the green room like he's good for the green room like he's good chatting but i'd have to put him somewhere on the bill you know yeah i'd have to you know it's it first after the break that's the thing isn't it we've said you know comedy has always

been like this it doesn't matter who you know when you're starting out doesn't matter what connections you've got as soon as you're on that stage doesn't matter if you're starting out, it doesn't matter what connections you've got. As soon as you're on that stage, it doesn't matter if you're, I mean, you could be talking about the industry and about breaks and like TV opportunities and all. We're not talking about that in terms of the respect of other comics and an audience. Once you walk on,

if you are good and everyone's laughing, it's it. Yeah. It doesn't matter. Actually, my father knows Don from the comedy store. So I'm actually getting paid weekend work. You're fucking not. No. Even Don from the comedy store so i'm actually getting paid weekend work you're fucking not no even don from the comedy store won't put his son on if he was shit no no that's

a beautiful thing there is a meritocracy to it there is a kind of you know and and some you know talking to break some people get lucky some people don't get lucky some people get chances and take them some people don't but you're right the acid test you can't fool an audience no so you can't feel comedians and you can't feel owners you can you can get four runs off the bat without meaning to sometimes can't you yeah you can get a generous you can't consistently fool audiences is the right thing that's it you can you can have a good gig with a bad set and as a bad comma and that audience might just be in a great mood maybe the comp has

set it up perfectly yeah that guy can't do six weekends in a row of that no and that's awful when you're at

New Comedy Night and you see the light in their eyes and you're like I know that light I've had that light and they're like fucking yes

two years of dying on my hole but I've fucking done it! And it was just something. It was just something in the air, where they were on the bill, and they think they've got it. And then you see them three weeks later,

and they're like... The best thing is when... What happened? Someone who's been smashing like King Gong or Beat the Frog. You know, like a new act night where the audience are there, knowing it's a new act,

or hot water on a Sunday, new act night, be dead supportive, guys. Could be the first gig and someone smashes it six weeks in a row and then they get like, they get to do like a Thursday middle

or like an open spot on a Friday. I remember my first open spot at Jonglers in Leeds and I'd been doing well at open mic nights for six months to like a year or whatever and just absolutely

stunk the place out and it's like when... I heard about that. I'm sure you did. It's like when Theo Walcott went to the World Cup when he was 16, because he'd been smashing it in the underage, and he's like, I'm a fucking World Cup player. And they were like, you're not getting on the fucking pitch, you kid.

You're going to be company on the coach. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a nice lad, Theo Walcott. Yeah, he's a really, really nice lad. But his generation, all the other players, like, what the fuck are you on about? It is, though. That is the good thing about it.

It's not like music. Because we are, you know, and me and you talked about this on the phone the other day. It's been very interesting in lockdown for a bunch of people that are supposed to live on their wits, be self-starters, be adaptable. How many have crumbled? Yeah.

How many have just... Get a job, mate. You know, you've got a family. You've got to do this. You've got to do something. And I hear the whiny sort of love notes to comedy going, I just need a gig. I just need it.

It's my life. It's my lifeblood my life blood and you're like if comedy was free though would you do it five nights a week yeah exactly it's not you want to earn money from standing up and talking no i don't want to deliver for dpd i get it it's not that's not an easy gig that's a hard shift what what did you think about people like doing stand up in their house uh i did a couple myself i i mean depends I mean, depends really on how well it's set up. I did Jason Manford's one, and that was great. That was really good because he had six or seven people,

and I just did bangers. I just knew what I was doing, and I could see them laughing. I didn't have to hear them laughing, and I knew where the rhythm was of that. The first week of lockdown i did a sort of like corporate kind of gig on zoom uh corporate on zoom yeah you're the captain corporate fucking whale goes into lockdown and he still gets a fucking private adam bloom yeah it's corporate and adam imagine watching Adam Bloom do his set to silence

oh my god yeah that's not Adam Bloom if you've never heard of him he's a bit of a legend in British comedy I saw him on something like Edinburgh

Stars of Edinburgh like about when I was at uni Edinburgh Nights I think it was Edinburgh and Beyond or was it something like that

and he was a young lad with peroxide blonde hair and his energy was incredible and he's still got energy but he's 20 years older, and he's got that energy. And he's also, he's an incredible joke writer.

He's like all, it's like a panic attack with punchlines, isn't it? Yeah, so imagine that. And he's also quite, he's not like very domineering, or he's still quite vulnerable, isn't he? But he does not do well. He dissects every joke if it's not what it wants him to be. He's very mental and controlling like that. I can only imagine without the audio what the fuck that sounds like. So we had to do this thing where they made it a little bit task mastery.

So the first thing they did, we had to go into our kitchen and create a picture of the boss using kitchen stuff and film that the day before. So they showed that. That was quite nice. Fuck. What? Well, then there was a bit where they interviewed me, but in the kind of like that chat show way going,

I believe you went skiing once. And, you know, you do your bit. Be a cunt about it. Be like, no. Adam didn't want to do that. Adam had said right adam had said i could do a joke about anything throw subjects at me i'll do a joke about it these were all it nerds oh god so they were all going all right then what about the motherboard on the es3946 anyway give me another one it was like live oh no yeah so that was tough

so I did that and then Jason's was good I've been doing a few quizzes and bingo games online and stuff but actual stand up is weird yeah it's stand up requires

an audience for me we said it on the pod like I I take my hat off to any comedian trying to diversify and trying to make it work

somehow I get it like it's a fight or flight situation but it was just never for me I tried one at hot water on stage trying to make it work somehow. I get it. Like, it's a fight or flight situation, but it was just never for me. I tried one at Hot Water on stage. I did one at Hot Water, and it was all right,

because it set up nice, and there was four or five on the front row, and that was okay. We didn't have a front row, because it was... Basically, there was a gig meant to happen in the Isle of Man, and they were like, we still want the gig.

Will you do it remotely? So we were just live-streamed into the pub where they were all sandwiching the show. Do you do it remotely so we were just live streamed into the pub where they were all so i love this show do you know about this no and at one point there was so they was on a big screen like oh yeah the island man bit yeah oh you're yours i thought you was doing it and they got in touch with binti to say tell the comp here to tell people to stop talking Jesus Christ what's next like Binti had to tell him to go

would somebody move a Vauxhall Cavalier when you're talking about Bloom saying he can do a joke about anything you're reminding me of this lad

I tell this story about once a year when it comes up there was a lad at Rawhide Raw which was essentially their version of Beat the Frog

the newest of the new yeah new act gong show in Liverpool and it's one of the new yeah new act gong show in Liverpool and it's one of the places I started out and there was a lad doing impressions

and he's like I've got hundreds of impressions shout an impression out and I'll do it so someone was like Robert De Niro which is the most common comedian impression

top 25 you just do that and like it's good that oh god yeah good innit do the voice as well yeah there you go

there you go you look like he's having a stroke oh come in Justin towards the end of this episode if you want to set Adam some impression challenges

yeah yeah yeah just have a little just muse on that he is very good I'll do them now no no no at two

yeah I have to fight them he's got two maybe three two and a half but he literally was like I'll do any impression and people were shouting them out to him and he just got two maybe three two and a half but he literally was like I'll do any impression and people were shouting

them out to him and he just couldn't do it and he kept going no one wants to hear that one and he got about 12 heckles before he went right Gary Barlow

just did one no one had asked for no weird impressions aren't they weird I'm quite good at them when I put some effort in but they're weird aren't they

they're comedy fucking hell what we're closing this with some impressions who can you do Weird I'm quite good at them When I put some effort in But they're weird aren't they Fucking hell What We're closing this With some impressions Who can you do Oh no we're not Who can I do

Oh god Give him some No don't Desmond Tutu Who's that Oh god Well actually His Mandela's pretty good

And I know that's not The same person But it's you know Near enough What do I say When I do the Last of Mandela I want to live in a world

oh yeah Mike I can do an impression of you doing it that was my impression of you doing the impression of Nelza Mandela oh no it's pressure now

or he just did his eyes like yeah yeah yeah that's when he gets really into the character his eyes roll oh oh

when you come back here I want to live in a world where I'm not what's happening what woman What's happening Fucking what's happening to Nelson I was laughing at you Right come on Be serious

Not just comedy this podcast Take a breath Do that voice You do it You do the impression of me doing it I want to live in a world Where a man and a woman Can live together

That is so Chinese It's gone Chinese that I want to live in a world Where a man It's a bit like You know it's a bit like Phil Nicol when he does The only gay eskimo

And he goes And the adults from Charlie Brown Look I think that one's quite good What else have I done Bane That sounds a little bit like Nelson Mandela Look, I think that one's quite good. What else have I done? Bane? Oh, it was like darkness is our ally. That sounds a little bit like Nelson Mandela. I don't know if it's the heat.

Yeah. But you fucking... Christopher Walken? Oh, no. Yeah, go on. Oh, he's off pace now. This is a big one. Now?

Is that it? Can we do Nessa from Gavin and Stacey? Oh, no, he can't. Go on. Go on. Go on. Ow! One word impression.

He's a one syllable, to be fair. Yeah, yeah. No. Oh, Justin, give us a break, will you? I'm trying my best over here. Have you seen... You'll edit this bit, won't you? I'm trying my best over here. Have you seen... You'll edit this bit, won't you? No, this is the best bit.

The Nutty Professor. Yeah, yeah. Right. When Eddie Murphy plays the mum of the family. Yeah, yeah. This is good. This is his fucking closer. It's not even...

Come on. Huck your leaves, huck your leaves, huck your leaves. No, that's good that is very good can you do any when I was little I used to do two impressions

and my mum would come back from the pub and bring people round and get me to come downstairs and do them first gig stand on the table and do them

oh my god in my pyjamas borderline child abuse but it's also the start of a successful career both of them were from the north of Ireland, but they were from very different ends of the, not the political spectrum, but the entertainment spectrum.

Okay. So the first one I did was the father of a colleague of ours. Roy Walker? No. Oh, Jimmy Cricket. Morgz's dad. I got a letter from my mother Come here and there's more

Okay I remember you I've had a gas I've had my teeth taken out And a gas fire put in You'll not recognise the house When you come home Because we've moved

That's nice When I was little it was alright How did you make the first bit About a letter Sound like something to do With the troubles then I got a letter from your mum Yeah yeah

It sounded like a really Effeminate IRA It was right It was Reverend Ian Paisley sound like something to do with the Troubles, then I got a letter from you, bro. Yeah, yeah. It sounded like a really effeminate IRA. It was right. It was Reverend Ian Paisley. Northern Ireland will never succumb to the violence of the IRA. Why can you only do Northern Irish impression? I don't know. It's not very good.

What kind of kid could do an Ian Paisley impression? The kind of kid, the kind of kid, the kind of kid, the kind of kid that was obsessed with the news, obsessed with the news when I was a kid. Of a period between 1978 and 1985, I can tell you about the Yorkshire Ripper.

I can tell you about Geoffrey Bamber. I was a paper boy and I used to read all the papers. I loved the news when I was a kid I want to see your fucking parents mate to the pub come back

I just him right it was a great Ian Paisley if you want to know anything about the rapes in Yorkshire he's fucking well up on it mate

I would honestly I know there's no footage and I love lighting statement as well no no I did it for a reason

I would love to see a kid on a coffee table at fucking 10pm on a night. Yeah, yeah. Hey, will tell you about the rates on their name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Unbelievable. Never! Never!

Never! And all the parents go, ah, you know, give me some money. It's a French gig. Yeah. Bucket speech. It's free to get down and it's not free to get out. Get down. That's what he's shouting downstairs.

Fucking hell. So that's the two impressions he used to do. Fucking political satire from a six-year-old. Come here, come here. And there's more. How old were you? Like six? No, a bit old.

About 15, 16. Oh, okay. I was probably about 10, 11, 12. Oh, right. Okay. That's less weird than a five-year-old doing it., 11, 12. Oh, right. Okay. Oh, that's less weird than a five year old. Just before.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 10. Jimmy Cricket is our friend. Kate Mulgrew is a brilliant comedian. It's her dad. Yeah.

Yeah. And it's, it's, he's like exactly how he was on TV. I don't remember him from TV, TV. Right. Just about,

but obviously I've seen the clips and everything. Yeah. And I think everything and I think I think he might have been in a panto I was at when I was really young

and we've met him I've met him as an adult he's one of the nicest he's the nicest guy but he's always doing his stuff

he's a gag guy and he did a speech at Katie and Lee's wedding as a father of the bride. He just did 20 minutes. I am not joking. Everyone's there at the fucking reception and everyone's doing...

There's been a speech from someone else and now... Damien Larkin was there even though he wasn't invented. Yeah, really. We had a mate just turn up and go... Oh, yeah. We had a friend from comedy

just turn up and go, well, you said 6pm and now I'm here because he's on the spectrum because the idea was that we all went to watch the wedding and then they said

you know selected guests were all dayers but the majority of people go off and get something to eat and then we'll see you at the evening reception he just didn't play that game he just turned up

she had to ask him to leave her own wedding oh it's so funny that's so funny her dad did he's got no social skills, Damien. I remember, you know, every year. Poor old Larkin's getting a slamming.

No, like, he's funny. He's a nice lad. He came on the Liverpool comedy Christmas Nights Out. We do that every year. And a couple of years ago. When did you do it? Where do we do it? No, when?

Christmas. Just before Christmas or january depending on that and he came rob thomas has organized that we went to this place called patterson's in liverpool which is like a fat a hipster kfc fried chicken and shit and this hipster fried chicken yeah so like nice all right it's just kfc but it's six quid more expensive yeah yeah and this girl he'd arrive

like we'd all ordered and she'd come over and was like right which one and he was like I'll have the chicken strips

with chips and she was like right for your chips she just went normal chips curly fries curly fries

with sour cream on and he just handed her the menu didn't look at it and went I don't want any nonsense nailed it

nailed it do you know sometimes when you watch someone talk about weddings and that and went, I don't want any nonsense. Nailed it. Nailed it. Do you know sometimes when you watch someone... Talk about weddings and that. At Alfie Joey's wedding, he's doing a speech at his own wedding, and he went, the wife has said that I'm not allowed to sing because she doesn't want me to sing at the wedding, and he loves to perform.

And he went, but I'm only going to get married once, so... And he started singing, and he started singing something like, fly me to the moon moon or something like that. Halfway through, he goes, Ladies and gentlemen, on saxophone, Mr. Jimmy Cricket. And Jimmy Cricket came out from behind a curtain playing the saxophone.

It was amazing. I love stuff like that. I love, like, with, I mean, Damien Larkin being on the spectrum is entertaining. But just comedians just not being able to switch it off yeah like if if you give us something that sort of looks like a gig you find yourself like rising to the challenge like i've been at like a kid's birthday party my niece's birthday party and i've been like sat on a, and everyone's been sat round, and then they're like, oh, Dan's a comedian,

and I can feel the sort of, like, you've got to justify that you're a comedian, and I'm like, oh, I'm doing, I feel like I'm going for laughs here. Your hand moves. And then in your head, you're like, shut up, Dan, don't be a fucking gig whore, but you're like, what's this guy doing?

My mother-in-law and father-in-law are ballroom dancers, and they were very good, and they won national seniors, and they were decent at it, yeah? And every year or so, they put on a show, and them and all their mates who dance, they put on a big show, and loads of people come, and they raise thousands for Christie's, for the cancer hospital, and they're good people.

They work really hard. They make all the costumes. It's a labour of love, okay, and they ask me, like, would you compare, and every year I go, I don't want, because, like, I'm a, you know, and all that, and eventually you do, because that's the right thing to do, and when I do it, I love it, right, and it's really, really nice, and it's a good skill to get, because there's little kids there, and there's old people, it's a nice comparing thing, but there was one, you know, when you do that thing, where you get something get some off the cuff and you think that's a great bit you know it's a great

bit i did a bit there that i'll never be able to use and it's one of my favorite jokes i've ever come up with impromptu they did the moulin rouge ensemble all these 65 year old women showing the knickers and everything and i went back and i went there you go just to prove the old saying, just because you can can doesn't mean you should should. So hard not to. It's so hard not to, isn't it?

You've got that instinct of like, just make it funny, just make it funny. It's awkward in a green room sometimes, though, isn't it? When you just, as comics, just having, like, comic banter,

green room chat, talking, just getting it out. Yeah. And then a comic decides, Freddy's bad for that. I know we slag him sometimes, but he does it all the time. You'll be having a good little chat, and he's silent for, like, two and a half minutes just listening, and then you just hear him go, it's like. Oh, no.

It's that tone, and they go, ah, shut up. When he gets an analogy wrong, he fucking crashes it into the ground. You're like, mate, that was not necessary. That's like a swan going into a river, but with its wings behind its head. He did a bit of that, Freddie. I love Freddie.

We've been playing a lot of poker online and he's been doing a little bit of that because we're on the Zoom chat. Why? Jamie Hutchinson will just go, Freddie, you try to do a bit. And he goes, yeah. Yeah, but Freddie's socially aware enough to know that it's not allowed,

so he will pipe down. Damien Larkin is so on the spectrum. Not only does he turn up at weddings and try and get free meals when he's definitely been told not to, he does that, he tries to compare. We've been on one of those Christmas comedy nights out with comedians in Manchester. There's 15 professional comedians sat around a table,

and you have to tell him to sit down, because he's up, fucking comparing. Like, with his drink in one hand, pointing at the others, like, he's headlining, and you're like, mate, you're not even a comedian, I love you. But you're a promoter that compares his own gigs. You're in front of 14 fucking murderers, and you're going, this is my time?

Is this on? No! We're in a fucking bar. You know, the worst thing in the green room is somebody's mate coming, sitting in, and thinking that they have to try and be funny. Oh, it's the worst thing. Muggles.

Adam calls them muggles. Yeah, muggles. When they bring a muggle into the green room. At Christmas, someone we've mentioned on our podcast before, I won't name them because I don't want the person, if they ever listen to be embarrassed or anything, but someone at Christmas brought their old friend

who they used to be in a band with and he was drunk when they arrived and he was in the green room he stayed to play poker with us and it was just a constant attempt at being funny to five comedians and a comedy club owner and he kept going out for a drink or a ciggy like every two minutes

so it was disrupting the game of poker oh I'm going for another drink just deal me out of this one or put me blind in or whatever. And we're like, ugh. And in the end, he was just like, I'm really, really sorry. I was like, what?

And then for the rest of the Christmas run, we're like, your dad coming tonight. You're bringing your dad again. Is he his dad? No. He actually liked it then. It was your dad. Your dad.

It was his dad. Do you know what I love about that, though, is it's pressure because they feel like, and most green rooms are not wisecracking hey you know it's

sometimes it can be fun you know a lot of the time it's dull as fuck yeah most of the time I'll just sit and listen to me I like to listen

and then pipe up no you're a right piss taker in a dressing room you are you are you are Justin you're not

I'm not saying you're loud or anything but if any you are you're fun in a dressing room you're not passive aggressive you're not a cunt about it but you're always having a little needle mate we ripped we basically roasted freddie quinn the last time we saw him he turned i know it wasn't a dressing room but it was a it was virtually a dressing room i was wearing shorts an orange hoodie cycling shorts i looked at bellend and you went what the fuck are you wearing

and then Freddie turned up looking like a fucking gypsy with shit on his shoes and I'm not joking you roasted him for fucking five minutes straight and I was having

such a good time and Freddie was there going this is like when a swan comes out of a muddy pool you absolutely so don't be like

I just sit there and listen I'm just a big taker. Oh, you're pretty good. I'll tell you this right now. Do you remember the first time we gigged together? No.

Manchester Comedy Store, right? This is like 2011 or 12. It was only the second club, outside of Hot Water, obviously, they built from whatever, but I'd done one open spot at Jonglers, which went horribly wrong, and this was the second club I'd got into

as like a Thursday 10-minute tryout. John Warburton was on wrong and this was the second club I'd got into as like a Thursday 10 minute tryout John Warburton was on and he was still in the green room with us and you

were comparing and I can't remember who else but it was a Thursday night I had like five minutes and the

only other gig I'd done as I say was Jonglers and Kane Brown who is on our soundboard and he'll come on someday and it's not his fault,

but he was comparing Jonglers, and he'd gone on and gone, right, your next act's a new act, and I'm doing your voice for Kane Brown, your next act's a new act, come all the way from Liverpool, and a group of Mancs booed me because they were there on a stipe doing leads. I went on and had one of the worst gigs I've ever had. So I come up to you in Manchester I was just like yeah yeah how you doing I was like just wondering if you'll do me a favour You went yeah what is it

And I went well when you introduced me Will you just not mention A that I'm from Liverpool Or B that I'm a new act Because I've had a bad experience with it And you to make John Warburton laugh Went right listen son I'm the compere of the comedy store you don't

fucking tell me how to host this gig and didn't break eye contact with me at all and second of all no I won't tell him you knew because that's not the fucking done thing is it and he walked away and

then John Warburton after you'd left burst out laughing like he's only taking the piss you know and I'm this shaking like a shitting dog new act scouting him what did I do I can't remember I didn shitting dog, new act, scousing him. And how did I bring you on? What did I do?

I can't remember. I didn't, I never say new act me, but I bring a new act on. No, you, no, you're not.

I back announce it, I back announce it. You can't say you're not a fucking piss taker in a dressing room. Yeah, you are a bit of a piss taker, just do.

You didn't know that about me. You, come on, come on. And this is like, we, I think all good comics like a bit of piss day,

but there are some dressing, I see some bills on the confirmation. Yeah. If I see certain names, I'm like, I think all good comics like a bit of piss day. But there are some dressing rooms. I see some bills on the confirmation. Yeah. If I see certain names, I'm like, this is going to be fucking brutal. You do not want to turn up last. Because if Justin Morehouse, Mick Ferry, Matt Reid, I see some names. I'm like, oh, my God, don't be the last dickhead who turns up.

Danny Mac he sits there like he's like a fucking praying mantis in like Nike Air Max oh my god and you walk in and you literally

just before they open the door you're like breathe in you'll be fine and it's fun but you only do that with people you like

yeah oh totally you only do that with people you like it's still fun but there is a moment and people who can take it and you only do that with people you like it's still fun but there is a moment take it and you want it back as well i love it when people take the piss out of me i just like to go like that all right you've got me yeah i like it it's yeah laugh it off i tell you what i hate is the people like hey mate how you doing you're right brilliant i think you're

gonna be great and you know they're just one of them cunts that slags everyone off yeah it's always the people who take the piss and have a joke and like rip you in front of your face who are sound it's those snidey fuckers who are like i thought you were absolutely brilliant let me just finish this tweet real quick yeah top that was top that was just really great like you've done really well you should be really happy with that my favorite thing to do, when somebody comes off after storming it, right? And they walk in, I go... Next time. And they're stuffed out, they just go, what?

I go, was it out of that? Unlucky. You'll get them next time. Oh, the worst part is when somebody comes off after rinsing it, and you go, that was brilliant, and they go, no, it was all right. No, mate, take the compliment.

Your face morphed into Danny McLaughlin there. Done, it was alright. No, mate. Take the compliment. Your face morphed into Danny McLachlan there. Done with it, me. Done with it. Done with it. Don't stunt. Don't want to foot it. Don't like to foot it anymore.

Guys, what are we doing? I'm going to have to edit this out. Why? Because you know what he's like. I'm going to make it the fucking clip. Oh, don't. He'll have his first period.

He's not going to listen to this. He doesn't even fucking retweet it when he promises he will. Right, well, if you haven't heard of any of them white cisgendered males, please check all of their online games. Don't let us get onto the fucking women in this game, mate. Mate, mate, mate. You heard of that one. I hope that's the clip.

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What have you got? Oh, you're right. Richard Peele. Richard Peele, the center. So, Would You Rather. Oh, Richo. Oh, Peele-o. Peelers. Peel, the centre's a would-you-rather. Oh, Richo. Oh, Peelo. Peelers.

Peely. Dick Peel. Oh. Oh, yeah, Dick Peel. Oh, Richard. He's heard it before, but we've just discovered it. Would you rather watch all your partner's previous sexual experiences or have them watch all of yours with the would-you-rathers?

You can't go, fucking neither. That's not the point. You've got to engage. This is one of my strengths is really getting into these. I'd rather they watch mine. Really? Yeah. Oh, God.

I have no interest in them, in watching anybody else touch anybody else that I want to touch. Yeah. That cook-holding thing, oh, I just, I could not imagine that. It's very popular, the old cook old cookhole porn isn't it just it's for me it's just the weirdest thing that what you're saying is i am pathetic see i watch it sometimes but i imagine i'm the guy fucking it you know what i mean that does not fucking surprising i don't know you're never going to be the guy that gets asked to come around

i don't know you know Adam's in his I'm definitely the black guy that's just knocked on the front door yeah yeah yeah

I think Cook Old Porn is one of those really weird new strains it makes me feel sad you know why I

the actual your men are watching oh my god that husband how must he be feeling I can completely disconnect to that because porn is so naff and I and I do this when I'm watching films men are watching go oh my god that husband how must he be feeling i can completely disconnect to that because porn is so naff and i and i do this when i'm watching films or period dramas

you know when they're like clearly doing something that's stressful the scene yeah and you're meant to be watching it going oh my god i can't believe it there's like a fight in the fucking the plaza but all i think is fuck me i bet that was a really hot day's filming in that spanish like square and i'm watching all the extras sweat you know they're on the fifth take But all I think is, fuck me, I bet that was a really hot day's filming in that Spanish square. And I'm watching all the extras sweat. You know they're on the fifth take. And I do it with porn. Some bellend has to come in.

They've got the male porn star, the female porn star, and the least important knobhead is the fat white dude. Jeff, can you come in? Yeah, these are ready. They're prepped to go. Leon is ready to go, so it just is a matter of time. So just look fat, fucking pathetic inside.

Actually, you've nailed it. All right, on you go. Just pop yourself on the end of the bed and look tearful. Where they've cast them, I'm talking about Snapchat cuckold porn. There's Snapchat porn where it says across the screen, doesn't your girlfriend look good, sucker my dick? And I'm like, yeah yeah that's my video oh we're talking about the fully filmed like there's a guy in this there's

in the scene and sometimes the guy with little glasses i'm going all right and they make them they make them they can tell the director's like jeff right now really lean in and look at like wow that's a big dick and they get him like oh, oh. Makes me feel sad. I know, but I feel sad for the dude who's playing the fat loser. So you're saying you'd be quite happy, well, not quite happy, but your partner seeing everything you've ever done sexually. Would I rather? That's what I would rather. Right. This is my problem.

This sounds really arrogant. Mine would be a longer watch, and I don't think I could put Laura through that because I've been a bit of a little fucking dirtbag in my time see I think I would be absolutely horrified as Justin says to watch Jade's

showreel it's good right Damien Larkin's in it hello is this on he's got a big dick he's headlining Damien Larkin's in it hello is this on he's got a big dick he's headlining

but some of the the nights I've had yeah and some of the San Marinos right we were talking about this

your sexual history is a bit like England caps yeah and you know you start off with like an Albania away and like a san marino where you knew you shouldn't have scored eight but you did and they're like that's it's called so many i've liked you and everything you can score more if you like you know like that it's it's a bit grim i i think if you could get your head around watching your partner get banged if you could get your head around that it wouldn't end

the relationship i think laura would be half an hour into that fucking epic and be like you did that you're fucking disgusting yeah are there things that you have never done with laura that you've done with other people fucking hell i mean the answer is yes Yeah because you'd just say no Wouldn't you Do you not Does this all the time No no I need to think

You don't need to think My generation Needs to think Yeah No I think I'm I have done But it might be interesting That she'd say

I saw you do that You want us to do it And it might Might be good for you I'd just like to have sex again Justin Do you know what I mean We're just at that point now So there's nothing I saw you do that. You want us to do it? It might be good for you. I'd just like to have sex again, Justin. Do you know what I mean? We're just at that point now. So there's nothing.

You don't think there's anything you've done when you were single? No. Look, when Laura and I, we had a... She listens to the podcast and she recently told me... You've told me you've pissed on someone in the shower. Oh, for God's sake! You've never pissed on Laura? I've never.

Have I? Fuck. I'm not even allowed to poo with the fucking door open. in the shower oh for god's sake you've never pissed on Laura I forgot about that have I fuck I'm not even allowed to poo with the fucking door open oh no I did yeah sorry so there you go

I forgot about that what because they asked you to no you didn't fucking shock them with it they're like what should we watch

we've got a couple of choices of DVDs and they're like oh why why are you weeing on me it's on my mum's rug it's like a it's just a on me? It's on my mum's rug. It's like a,

it's just a grim memory. A comedian weed on my leg once. Right. What? Another man. Yeah. Why? For a laugh.

Archie Kelly. Why? We were on the set of Phoenix Nights and we walked down a corridor and they just went, hold it there because we were going the set of Phoenix Nights and we walked down a corridor and they just went hold it there because we were going for a take

and we all stood suddenly stood behind me and I just felt my leg getting warm and he peed on my leg just for the fuck of it yeah I mean that's so funny

but hang on how did you react I couldn't because I couldn't make a noise you're on the set of a major TV comedy show.

One of the most successful British sitcoms of all time. With one of the best known fucking lunatics in Peter Kay. Like, in charge of it. But we were actually on the set, we were just next to it. Oh, right.

I thought you were on set. I thought it was like, how annoyed would the director be if they were like... Oh, no, because I didn't say anything. I was like... I just wet my leg. But not on set.

You weren't about to film a scene. We were walking towards the scene and then he stopped. I don't know what you're doing. just wet my leg but not on set you weren't about to film a scene we were walking towards the scene and he stopped I don't know what you're doing he's like he's a weirdo yeah he's sounding

he is I don't know if you know the stories about him like this thing like he picked his mate up for five a side right every week

for about six months and put the it was winter but put the aircon on full cold and just said, there's nothing I can do, mate, it's broke.

I'm shaking every day. Why? He just, he was going out with a girl. He used to live next to Bernard Manning, right? He used to live next to Bernard Manning and he was going out with this girl and he used to leave the condom on Bernard Manning's car windscreen.

What's going on? Weird, isn't it? Have you done, have you done, I can't comprehendscreen what's going on we're here didn't it have you done have you done I can't comprehend Archie Kelly the only thing I do

have you ever weed on anyone no my brother weed on me once what's going on 1976 Man United lost the FA Cup final you doing the Ian Paisley impression yeah

I'm laying on the back bedroom floor crying and my brother peed on me from the top bunk just for the laugh yeah I can feel it to cheer me up you know now that there's two stories though I'm lying on the bedroom floor crying, and my brother peed on me from the top bunk. Just for the laugh? Yeah, I could feel it. To cheer me up.

You know now that there's two stories, though, it's starting to feel like it might be you, do you know what I mean? Might be my king. Yeah, yeah. Like, you're not really hiding enough anymore. No. I'll tell you this now,

that I've never desired it. Well, yeah, it's easy to say that, though, isn't it? I'm saying it. There's two stories. You've got to believe me. I do prank Carl. Whenever Carl's flying, I send him text messages saying,

bomb, terrorism, nuclear thing. Because then I'm always like, if an airport security guy sees his phone over his shoulder, and there's loads of that, then he'll get fingered, and they'll have a look up of his bum or something. Fucking bellend that's how terrorists do it

just a reminder there bum yeah I just but like you can't even say it in the airport if you've got six text messages

going can't wait to blow this plane up bomb nuclear weapons no I do you know what you need to do

use voice notes do one of your great impressions make it middle eastern why because it sounds like the current crop of terrorists oh right okay do you get that do you get the uh do you get the urge to shout bomb at an airport yeah genuinely because as soon as i know i can't yeah there is an urge to be like in your head you're like the worst possible thing you could do now is shout bomb yeah i said out loud to jade when we were flying back from jfk new york i said to jade isn't it weird that you can't say bomb at the airport while we were at the airport. And Jade was like, are you fucking,

are you stupid? I was like, why? She went, you've just said it in the sentence and I didn't realise what I'd done.

You can say the word, can't you? No. No, I mean, if like a member of airport security sees you say the word bomb,

you'll be taken for a chat. Yeah. And knowing that. But if you got a bomb, you said highly likely that you're going to be like double bluffing. Yeah,

but they don't like, oh yeah, that's our airport security work and it'll just give you the benefits of the doubt that i love that thought thought process yeah this guy looks like a really evil looking terrorist he's wearing all the terrorist garb and he's like really he's muttering under his breath but that's too obvious for a terrorist. I mean, no terrorist would be that obvious. So he's obviously just a bit of a prankster. Come from central casting terrorists. There's a guy running through Terminal 1 saying death to the West,

and he's got a machine gun, but I feel like he'd be hiding it. Let that one go. Let that one go. Not fucking stupid. Oh, God. I can't believe we've talked about weeing so much. I'm so hot.

I'm getting boob sweat. Should we have a word and then call this a podcast? Yes. Sam McGuire. Sam McGuire. Journalist, football guy, massive Liverpool fan. You'll love him just... He's a good lad.

Afternoon, fellas. I need you to have a word with my wife. She'll sit in the conservatory wrapped up in a throw with the aircon on. She then gets ultra defensive whenever I mention it. I realise I'm channelling my inner da, but it's literally the biggest waste of money. She says she's trying to find the perfect temperature, but I can't wrap my head around the logic.

This isn't a one-off either. Sometimes she'll walk around in a vest and shorts claiming to be cold, making me shut all the windows while I slowly melt into a puddle of sweat. Am I in the wrong? Tar lads. No, he's not.

This is typical of a partner, isn't it? Just, no, I need it like this and like that and like that. If it's cold, turn the fan on and open the window or one or the other. But you can't be rapping, it's just a waste of fucking money. No, it's one thing to be cold and been like in a t-shirt and shorts and be like, I need to turn the heating up.

You're like, well, that's not the appropriate clothes. Are you saying put a jumper on? Yeah, but to have the air con on on a hot day and then wrap up, that's fucking weird. I don't even mind. If Jade's in a T-shirt and shorts and she's like, I'm cold, I won't go like, oh, we'll put a jumper on then. She can put the heating on then.

I understand not wanting... She can put the heating on. She can put it on. She's allowed. I'll'll give her the code i don't mind and not want an extra layer on i don't mind that but you can't wrap yourself up and then be like i'm too warm and then turn the aircon on that's just it's the wrong way around yeah you shouldn't be wearing a heavy role putting aircon on environmentally i feel like you've got you've got like teenage kids haven't you yeah it's a whole new world of like because laura and i it's so unsexy because you're like i do want to get laid but i

do need you to do this with the recycling and she's like could you start doing that with a toothbrush and it's like unsexy in it so you don't want to be the bellend who's like listen we need to talk about the heating don't just fucking whack it up to 22. Leave it at 20. Let it do the work. It's so unsexual but you still need to say it. I feel like once Etta is older it's a whole nother world of pain

where you're like oh god someone's got control over the fucking heating that you're paying for. I spend a lot of time just going like that. Oh really?

Every time I walk past it. Just changing it a bit. Just pop it down. Pop it down one. Just take it down two. See I've said this before I'd quite happily in winter snowing outside Window open, t-shirt and shorts

But then You can always warm yourself up It's very hard to cool yourself down I hate being too hot in winter I just hate being too hot Do you even Do you even have to touch it Or do you not have it on a phone?

No, not at the minute. Do you want to have one console that you just have on your really expensive fucking Sony 14? When I just go, iPhone 14. House, make me comfortable. Jeeves! No, I've not got all that set up. I will do, but you know John Thompson? He does impressions as well.

He's got... As well? Yeah, as well as you. You know the Alexa thing? He's got a brilliant thing. So he's got his lights yeah as well as you you know the alexa thing he's got a brilliant thing so he's got his lights all set up with lamps in his bedroom and he goes he goes alexa play a storm right and this music comes on and it starts rumbling when you get in the water when the lightning comes all the lights flash on and off it's like really good and it's the same

as when you're lying in bed in the storm at night you can you can have it on and off. It's like really good. Fuck off. And it's the same as when you're lying in bed in a storm at night. You can have it on and you create a storm in your house. That is literally what happens when you give immature bellends millions of pounds. John Thompson has done fucking brilliantly. He's had a blinding career. Cold feet.

All of the things he's performed in. And it's basically got him to the point as a 50-year-old man going, tell you what, Justin, you know what I've got? I've got a computer storm that comes on so I can scare women I love it, it's great, it's comforting How much of a fucking narcissist do you have to be like

I'm having a storm wank bum bum bum ba da ba da ba da fucking just as the lightning follow the yellow brick road That's a piss, whatever Pod done I'm so sweaty Have we got a song

today or not I've got boobs sweat you're gonna do your impressions he's done him is that all you can do right

yeah we could fire one little thing we do at you if you want yep so you've got an audition you're an actor

successful actor and you've been brought in yep and basically they want you very specific's a very specific role. Yeah.

So, it's just something about the way you look, the writer, he had it in mind. Yeah. So, we want you to improvise a scene. Yeah. As a Mexican car parking attendant. Yeah. Whose dog has just died. Okay.

So if you could just do that for us now. Mate, that's ridiculously hard. Yeah. He's a successful actor. Scene, scene. It's a character. Yeah. Justin, thanks so much for coming in to Have A Word Acting Studios.

Anytime you want. And try not to be racist. My dog has died. Wow. Straight to the point. Love it. But I have to come into work because I am a poor Mexican man. Oh, okay.

I have no money. I have to make sure I park the cars. And every car I park, it's in Italy. Okay. You're not quite right for this role. No. Give me another one. But there is another one that we think you could, you could be good for.

So Daniel, would you like to show me what this one is? 72 year old German window cleaner. Yeah. That's as good. Yeah. I cleaned the windows. This is this is a see there's a bit too much oomph there remember he's an old man 72 and he's only cleaning windows because he's

recently widowed he's gone back to work okay this is good i cleaned the window now i used to work for the bmws and now that my wife died i was in and I would look out of the windows and just think, I should be on the other side, like Bella, my wife. It's like I'm waving to her. Why does he make them all so sad? His wife just died, his dog's just died. Hey, you've got a Mexican with a dead dog. I'll jam him with a South Korean woman.

Oh, no. No, no, that's not fair. Chinese. And that's it. How about a Canadian... I'm not very good at accents. It's been a dick. Give me some...

I'll do an English guy, but give me a scenario and I'll do that. Okay. I can't believe you... A Brummie. Oh, God. Right. Who's just won the lottery

brilliant but he's also there's a warrant out for the arrest as arrest because someone got murdered

and we think it was him brilliant hey I honestly that's made me more sweaty the pressure that we just put Justin under

you're really going deep on the character and it's the only one that's not a death and all his family oh yeah shit there's been another day obsessed welsh bricklayer yeah who's ran out of bricks yeah oh where's my bricks we're going to go to thomas perkins that sounds more like nelson mandela than your nelson mandela uh should i tell you my nelson mandela ronic though this is my favorite oh yeah close it out this is the like we talk about comedians and dressing rooms and things like that that goes on we talk about that work we're joking in dressing rooms you say that and i said that i'm not a

piss taker about eight nine years ago i'm comparing the charity night at a comedy store in london there's loads of comics in the room but i'm comparing so like i'm you know door opens and in walks eddie is hard right everybody goes oh my god he said he's out as he is and he goes he goes i left a book here the other day i was in here i look left the book and everybody's going, is it under me, Eddie? Is it behind? Everyone's trying to help him out, right? And he goes, I says, what book was it?

And he goes, oh, it's a biography of Nelson Mandela. And I said, well, maybe he's taken a long walk to freedom. And he just went, oh, a joke. That's what you thought was needed here. Oh, God. Oh, you pissed Eddie's head off? Yeah, I went, yeah, yeah, oh, a joke. That's what you thought was needed here. Oh, God. Oh, you pissed Eddie's head off? Yeah, I went, yeah, yeah, yeah, I did. And then about a week later, I saw him again at the comedy store,

and he came in, because it made me feel really weird, do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he came in, and there was nobody else there, and I said to him, I said, you know, we had this thing the other day, and I said, and I felt a bit weird about it, because, you know, I grew up buying, you know, videos, you videos you know and all that and i just felt like i could upset you and i didn't want to do that and he could have gone you know i was yeah yeah all right he could have gone

you know what he was being a bit of a bellend but you know what he said i can't remember painful hard innit the pressure when there's a really famous comic and you're like just please be alright

I feel like that's more of an Eddie Izzard story than Nelson Mandela story yeah yeah it is Nelson Mandela never came into

comedy store looking for an Eddie Izzard book I left my DVD you're not going to pull him up on that one was that good wasn't it it was quite good I left my DVD you're not going to pull him up on that one was that good wasn't it it was quite good

I left my DVD I want to live in a world where Eddie is hard I'm like Eddie is hard I wonder there will be

a Liverpoolian woman on stage in Liverpool there you go that's nice I'm so hot it's been a pleasure. I've loved talking to Justin. Thank you to everyone for listening.

That's it, innit? Thanks very much for coming on. Thank you. If you've watched the episode, please give it a like, give it a subscribe, go to haveawirdpod.com, get some merch,

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really like all our patrons thanks man and the rest of you are fucking tight thanks for watching why is your

liver puddling impression aggressive Justin cheers mate cheers see ya bye Felicia bye Felicia