Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #79 - IN STUDIO - w/Adam & Dan (...and Sensei Carl)

Episode Date: August 3, 2020

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is recording what? is recording I made it press record Mr. Rowe is very good now very good sound for podcast and what part of the world is our guest from?

underprivileged foreign underprivileged foreign? yes I pay for family by make sound good on podcast. Yes. Yes. I've never done that voice before in my life, but I'm keeping it.

Oh, yes. I do sound board. Very funny. Mama like it. Mama like it. You freaking me out. All right, stop it. Shall we do this announcement?

Shall we do the announcement? Strictly fucking business, baby. We are... Engaged. Oh, no, it's illegal. We can't hold hands. I thought you said it was illegal to be gay then. That was going to be a ropey moment.

It's morally reprehensible. Nice, nice, against family violence. Adam and Steve is good. So, ladies and gentlemen, fans of the podcast, have a word as weird as originals, the lids, the lidettes. We've got some news for you. We are slightly changing our schedule. Now, I'm sure you're aware,

we've known that this is coming for a while. We always said that once we got back to our gig and lives that we would change the schedule a little bit. We're not fully back. We know that the government are being bellwifts, but there are loads of gigs coming in now, garden, driving. We are working again, aren't we?

We're working again. We're writing stand-up again and also the amount of editing we're doing at the minute for this podcast and putting stuff together it's it's a lot to do and look the the new schedule is going to be great for everyone including you guys so at the minute as i'm sure you're very much aware we release our episodes on the day we record them we release release them on Mondays and Fridays publicly. And our episode that we do exclusively on Patreon, that is released every Wednesday.

As of this week, we're slightly changing that. So from now on, on a Thursday, you will get the extra Patreon episode. If you are on patreon.com slash have a word pod, you will get an extra episode every single week there's also some other benefits if you're one of our patrons go to sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod you get that extra

episode every week and that is just moving ever so slightly from Wednesday to Thursday. There's also going to be the video version of it isn't there? Yeah so at the minute if you're a patron you just get the audio we don't video record the Patreon episodes, but we're going to start putting the full HD video up exclusively for patrons as well.

So if you do prefer to watch your podcast instead of just listen to them, you want to see our cute little faces while we're making each other laugh, you're going to now have that option, a little bonus for the patrons. Now, what's the other news, Dan? What are we doing with the public stuff? The public episode is going to now have that option, a little bonus for the Patreons. Now, what's the other news, Dan? What are we doing with the public stuff? The public episode is going to be out on Monday. You'll have seen it in its current iteration. It's been out Fridays.

It's with a guest. So it's basically, as it's been on a Friday, there's going to be a whole hour of me and King Lid talking bullshit, and then we're going to have a guest. Some weeks we might not have a guest and it might just be an adam but mainly it's gonna be that format that is gonna be out on a monday so monday is gonna be the public episode release day however if you're a patreon you're gonna get that a little bit earlier that right that right then absolutely so as i'm saying from now on there's

only gonna be one public episode a week but it it's going to be a fucking bumper episode. The first hour of the public episode will just be classic Havowood bullshit. Just me and Dan, here in the fucking lid den. It's just going to be us two. Then, we bring our guest in for the second half of the show. These episodes are going to be over two hours long, most of the time.

It's going to be a lot of fun. Those episodes, we're going to be recording them on Fridays, and we're going to be releasing them publicly on Monday. But if you are a Patreon, if you're supporting us financially through this awful pandemic, awful time, not being able to do as many gigs as we need to fucking feed our families. If you do that for us, you will get that Patreon episode at least 24 hours before everyone else. We're going to try and get that out on Saturday afternoon for everyone, but sometimes it might take us to the Sunday. We will guarantee you get it 24 hours early,

and sometimes it'll be as many as 48 if you are on patreon.com slash have a weird pod. That's it, isn't it? So it's not a massive change. It's the main episode out on a Monday. The patron will be out on a Thursday. There's now extra benefits for being a Patreon that starts at £3 a month

it can be £5, it can be £10 you're going to get early release of content now added on to all the discounts all the discounts with live tickets, the merch the extra episode, I don't know of another Patreon that has a full hour episode as part of their privilege

I've not heard of it. Maybe there is one. Some Patreons do an extra episode every month, don't we? But we're committing right now, permanently, there will always be an extra episode every single week for Patreon members. And by the way, we're cutting this back to one episode publicly every week, as a minimum. Sometimes if we feel a need, if we've got a quiet week,

if there's a comedian in town who we really want to get in for a guest episode we might occasionally just drop a surprise but from now on every single Monday there will be a public episode

that will go out everywhere at the same time Apple Podcasts Spotify Podbean and the full HD episode on YouTube the fucking tube

yeah oh and I've got another announcement as well that lump I found on me gooch was a Rice Krispie. Oh, look at Liz, look at Liz. It's not gooch cancer. Oh, you wouldn't want gooch cancer.

You'd have to have a goochectomy. I wasn't ready for gooch cancer to be two words pushed together. If you try and hijack the big announcement with banter, that's how it goes. Shall we do an episode of the bullshit we love? Yes. What's happening, lids? Today's sponsor is Beer 52.

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Just go to beer52.com slash word and claim your free case now. That's B-E-E-R 52.com2 dot com slash W-O-R-D. Do it now, baby. Please, go get yourself some free stuff on us. Don't forget to watch our very funny podcast videos on YouTube. You can subscribe at YouTube.com forward slash Have A Word Pod. Now, I'm getting the word not. Oh, jeez. Let me, nuts. Oh, jeez.

Let me muscle again. Oh, Hercules, Hercules. How are you so dark? This is your ally. Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? Don't chat to me. I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Disgusting.

They go by Alan and Dave, Aaron and Dean, Grandad and the Yeti, or even Chanel and Denise. But what's for sure is they are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Don't be a Tory. Down your turbo shandy and tell a friend. This is Have a Wad. so another sort of announcement is we've got... How many announcements have you got? We're just going to do a full episode of announcements. I need a shit. I always need a shit. That's every episode.

We've got our friend and now colleague, Mr. Carl Riegler, sat on our couch now. Can we call him Producer Carl? Like a fucking breakfast show. Should we just call him Carl? Producer Carl. Like Joe Roganl jamie proddy carl you're fucking proddy cunt yeah proddy carl fucking red oh hang on sorry we're always on mic go on oh yeah hello oh he's under pressure now he doesn't usually sound this noncy no mr carl's better mr carl no we're not calling you mr carl that sounds like a shit

fucking dance house you're trying to make us sound more asian so that it feels like you're still in japan mr carl carl sensei is what it was did you make them call you when you were teaching in japan you made the kids call you sensei carl no that's that's that's the way it is i'm carl sensei in japan fuck the fuck off. I swear to God. You can... Yeah, I'm Carl Sensei. Does Sensei just mean teacher? No, he was teaching karate. I thought he was teaching English the whole time.

He's been teaching... On the side. No, Carl Sensei just means Carl teacher. Right. And I am your teacher, so... Oh, no. Come on. Don't do your old school friend banter.

I'm not having that. We're not calling you Sensei. That's so... I'm just glad you're here. Now, because there's a couple of things that we've mentioned over the past week that i'd like to clear up and there's one thing we mentioned yesterday that i'd like you to help me and him clear up okay bumhole gate this has been a year this was a year conversation this yeah one year right so bumhole gate first of all i've been trying to convince carl for a decade now that there was a

girl in my school who didn't have a bum hole and got one plumbed in. And he's told me for a decade that it's not possible. Can you just clarify? We did get an email, didn't we, saying someone else has been plumbed in. Yeah, we had an email from a guy called Lewis who was like we literally had a guy in our class called

Pooh Bag. Yeah, they call him Pooh Bag. And they couldn't mark him when they were playing football because he'd just released a valve in his poo bag and it would smell utterly rank and people like mate i'm not marking him so he just had free range he just wandered around like fucking david ginola okay so right glad to clear that up right so now officially that girl in our school kira never had a bummer order order bit of business go on like it now right genuinely I don't want to tell him

which one of us believes warrior I want to see what he thinks so he's not biased well the fucking nonsensical answer is yours isn't it right go on

don't get go on if you shoved if you oh when does this go back from have you been debating this he's just got back

from Japan he's just started working it have a word and you're like right we've got to deal with some serious issues never mind the fucking schedule reminded me of it

yesterday so look right it imagine you were completely flexible right or every part of your body including your bones are flexible right if you figure out a way to shove your head up your own ass where would they come out what are you doing hang on hang on you're saying I'm so like I'm like

a weird 1950s superhero like bendy man yeah I can turn myself into sort of like a fluid like and I can put

myself back in myself yeah so your head goes up your arse where would it eventually come out where would the top of your head come out

and I'm making myself into a tube to go into my bum to go through my digestive tract yeah into my esophagus yeah

and out of my mouth imagine yeah no imagine fuck off imagine you've so your body's being

cleared out so there's no organs in the way you're just like a shell right yeah so you're saying your head would go up your arse and come out your mouth because it's out. So there's no organs in the way. You're just like a shell, right? Yeah. So you're saying your head would go up your arse

and it'd come out your mouth? Because it's just one tube. It's one tube. But that is the... That your body is... Like a sock, innit? No. Like a sock with a hole in it.

Your body is just a fucking... It's like an A-road going right through. It becomes your belly. It becomes your... And then it goes into your bowel. So you think you'd ever come out of your mouth

well it would eventually yeah some scissors or something can I cut all in these socks like imagine see what I mean I'm sorry we're sorry Carl's

not on camera by the way but he's never gonna be why are you saying a sock when a sock doesn't represent what you mean you mean like a tube

yeah but like I'm trying you're trying to make a sock into a tube like if you put this sock like eventually it would come out of itself wouldn't it a goose it's this genuinely what is the basis of your best friendship yeah i love it i love it he's gonna do fucking great on this isn't he he? Oh, we've got fucking... You're basically both...

You're both forged in the fires of Bellend. Do you melt dicks? Do I melt dicks? Yeah. Just answer it. Is it worth it, Adam? I feel like it is, you know. I feel like...

Let me put my sock back on. Good. Really good example, that. It's like this sock, except I can't cut the sock. Were you actually going to cut a hole in your sock? To prove a point. I'd fucking do anything to prove a point, mate. Oh, Adam, so you melt this sock, except I can't cut the sock. Were you actually going to cut a hole in your sock? To prove a point. To just... I'd fucking do anything to prove a point, mate.

Oh, Adam, so you melt dicks, though? Yeah. No, I don't melt dicks. You do, don't you? Come on, you do melt dicks. God, look at Carl and those, the punchline. Do you melt dicks, though? I'm just playing the straight man.

Do you melt dicks? No, I don't melt dicks. You do, though. You do. There's no punchline. You do. Oh, it just keeps going. Do you, though? Come on. Do you just want me to say yes? Do you melt dicks? Yeah, I melt dicks. You do. Adam has no punchline. You do. Oh, he just keeps going. Do you, though?

Come on. Do you just want me to say yes? Do you melt dicks? Yeah, I melt dicks. You don't. Why are you saying you melt dicks when you don't? You don't melt dicks, do you? No.

You do. Have you been lamped in the face a few times? Do you know when we talk about fighting, and I've been fighting since I was four, and in my head I'm like god Liverpool's fucking nails and then I think I might just be

Adam is really punchable and he's had to fight since like fucking reception this wasn't me this was him so this started

he knew I was in a bad mood so he started doing that to me so he'd go look right play a game right do you melt dicks and I was going yeah and he'd go no but you don't and then every i go right i don't know but you you do

though don't you and it'd just go on and on forever and ever and ever and i'd get more and more wound up and then a few weeks later he was in a mood and i started doing it to him and then it just became this thing where the first one of us to say to the other one just had total control over the other one's mind for like a week. It's like a really weird nonsensical support system. This is why men just like get depressed and kill themselves, innit? Because we can't actually like talk properly. Women are like, tell me everything.

We're like, no, listen, Carl's having a bad day. Do you melt dicks? No, but you don't. But you do. No, but you don't. Yeah, got you through that. You see the way I let you suffer through that for what 40 seconds then try and do that for an hour and a half no i don't think so oh it's i'm not i'm not convinced they'd make amazing podcasting i have just realized

i haven't eaten i've just got that wave of like you know when you've not eaten pre-pod yeah so i'm gonna be like you are normally just like all add and like just thinking of food i've been fighting the devil off uh for like the past 48 hours i had the devil's in your mind boy i had a proper bevy on friday night first time since Liverpool won since since Liverpool won the league that I had a proper proper drink

and even more than that night like I had a whiskey at the start of the show then I had a few beers at the show and then me and Alfie Brown

after the did you get on it yeah we went to town and I was quite civilised it got to like two o'clock

and I went I'm just gonna go home home, just going to get some food and go home. I got myself a Donner wrap, which was amazing. Oh, orgasmic shit when you've been on a diet. But the past two days have been horrendous. I had a nightmare where I watched a little girl get

murdered in a car and I can still see it. It's burnt into my brain. I don't understand what you mean. I had like a hangover dream where a little girl got murdered. Fuck me. Smothered as well. It wasn't understand what you mean I had like a hangover dream where a little girl got murdered fuck me smothered as well it wasn't like a shot

she got like what's that got to do with alcohol but it's just fucked with my brain and I genuinely think and I know this is so typical

I think I might be done with alcohol you know certainly for a while yeah even today I just feel a bit on edge. Yesterday, my anxiety was through the fucking roof.

I've downloaded the Calm app. I've played 29 quid for a year subscription to an app to fucking sing me to sleep. What? What's that? There's an app called Calm. Calm? It's like a meditation app.

So Jade went to make me a cup of tea last night and she'd left the telly on, Always Sunny in Philadelphia. It's not calm that at all, is it? So I muted it. And when she come back up, I was laying on the bed, like meditating. And there was this woman going,

now match your breathing to the present moment. And yeah, I had a little meditate last night. Do you want, I can't, sometimes the way you portray yourself on this podcast it gives a really like clear identity of who you are and I think people

are like that's Adam Dan's a bit of a fan he's a bit of a grandad but he's a bit soft on some issues Adam goes a bit simple when he's talking about the afterlife

and the paranormal but when you talk about like modern government policy he goes fucking hardcore and you paint this like character that I think people totally attach themselves to.

And then I think that jars heavily with like, yeah, I just sat in a bed and a woman did like breathing exercises. And that's how I got to sleep. And you're like, who the fuck are you? I think you get possessed by a fanny. I got a text earlier from Rob Thomas. So Rob Thomas, for those uninitiated,

is a comedian friend of ours and he said someone i play tennis with which we could just park there for a second because rob does not look sound or behave like anyone who's ever seen a tennis racket is he trying to virtue signal and make up that he's playing fucking snooker with someone yeah yeah no it's not you call it tennis but it is actually snooker. Someone I play tennis with during lockdown is a patron of your podcast. God bless them.

Thank you. And he asked me on Friday. So is that Adam Rowe? Like one of them dickheads in the pub who thinks he knows everything, but he's actually just proper thick. He is funny though.

Damn. I just want to say to him. Get your calm on. I just want to say to whoever you are how dare you how dare you even suggest for a second that i'm thinking i got an a star seven a's a b and five c's at my gcse okay all right first day of college what did you get what did you and i got an a a c and an E at A level but my personal statement got me into university because I

wrote a really convincing argument hang on hang on hang on what level of patron is he? if he's a 3 or a 5 no no you can have this chat if he's a 10 you've got to take this on the fucking chain if he's a 10 pound patron you fucking take it on the chair.

Is Dan a bald pedo? Are you a £10 patron? Yes, I am, sir. I'll be whatever you want to be. Oh, Carl, it's good to have you here, mate, and God bless, and it's nice to have you back and got safe through all that Japanese rona. And we were worried about you.

It sounded like it's been worse here than it was there. Ten times worse, yeah. Everyone thought it was coming from over there, so everyone was worried about me, but when it boiled down to me... That's definitely racist, though, isn't it? Yeah.

Over there. Yeah, you're winning one of them foreign... Which one? The Chinesey, Japanesey, Malaysy foreigns? The Philippiney, Japanesey, Chinesey foreigns? All right. East Asian. Yeah, but I... Yeah, of of course that's tech all right thanks for look at you just because a patron's called you think you're like oh actually i think you'll find from my encyclopedic brain i just you know i worry that we're going to

get in trouble one day on this podcast you see you're like ignorant racism yeah yeah okay well let's look forward to you doing a geordie accent then because we're gonna get cancelled you're getting cancelled with me i love it how people are like oh carl you're in one of them foreign is you gotta be careful didn't japan just like close down the fucking border uh pretty much yeah as as um as you went i say use as england went into lockdown we went into like use you fucking really associate sensei carl you've been here three weeks yeah them cunts in fucking liverpool and the uk right it's one of them wasn't it so yeah we went into semi-lockdown and

yeah but not not unlike this country no so you could still do stuff yeah i could still i could do everything i wanted to it's just whether it was my choice to be careful or not. Right. I chose to not be careful. God, that sounds very fucking grown up, doesn't it? Just let people decide what they want to do. That's the Japanese government. I was in Japan. Yeah. How long, when you got to Japan a year ago,

how long till you got a Mackey's? Just to taste what Japanese Mackey's was like. Day one. Yes, mate! You can travel the other side of the world. You're still a fucking lid the day he got back the other day

I went round to his and his brother got off so I was just sat in his with his mum and him and he you should have seen him

we went and got a chippy so we got what did you get you got you just wanted to chip butties didn't you chip butties

so he went because he hasn't had a chip butty in a year so he got a portion of chips a load of bread a bit of curry sauce. And he was sat on the couch. The Simpsons was on.

And I was sat on the other couch. And I had a bit of fried rice with a bit of curry on. Still watching me wait. I only had a bit of it. All right. All right. And he just, he took like this really weird pause. He's just like, what?

And I went, are you all right? And he was like, just a real sensory overload. He said, I've been in a cupboard in Japan, hating everything I eat for a year, and not being able to watch any television because it's all Japanese. And it feels like 20 minutes ago I was in Tokyo, and now I'm on the couch with a chip in me,

best mates over there, and the Simpsons is on. And he just had a little moment. I thought he was about to cry. That must have felt like time travel, though. that's you're going from futuristic living in a cupboard sensei carl none of that's from your past is it none of that is like being called sensei carl living in a fucking cardboard box in one of the more futuristic cities in the world nothing's screaming dovecot late 90s early noughties is it no and then all of a sudden you're in a nostalgia fest fucking chippy tea with the simpsons which has basically been playing the same episodes for 35 years well to me chip buddies are the pinnacle so i i always

ask everybody there's three bits to a chip buddy there's the bread just bring that mic closer to your car there's the bread the chips and the sauce yeah so like if you could make a perfect chip but what would you have oh what a fucking great question that is oh you're not gonna like where i go with this oh i'm gonna fucking eat you are you fucking tory no no no hang on and shut the fuck up where's wife runs oh hang on let's attack me into we'll come back to wife runs hey he's sensei Carl he's not gonna

turn around and go it's fucking weird that he's been teaching Japanese children okay how to keep a secret so

hey kids don't cry do you know what fucking grass is there's a chip that I think about about once a week I had it in Dubai

the first time I went to Dubai to do gigs you went to the fucking middle east There's a chip butty that I think about about once a week. I had it in Dubai. The first time I went to Dubai to do gigs. You went to the fucking Middle East. A totally different culture. I got a fucking chip butty. No wonder they fucking make jihad on Western culture. What the fuck is this? I can't tell you how amazing this thing was. You know Jojo Sutherland yeah scottish

comedian friend of ours i was out there with hair and an american guy uh who will do a patreon episode about because he's a helmet um three five or. We'll call people cunts secretly. And we're in these five-star hotels doing gigs to largely British expats and whatever. And, you know, the buffet is nice, but you get a bit sick of it when you're there for 10 days. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I said to Jojo, I just want to go for a beer. She said, okay, we'll go to, there's a place over the road from our hotel, another hotel with a bar in, and the bar's called Lock, Stock and Barrel.

It's like a British pub-type place. Yeah. And we were in there, and I was a bit hungry, and I looked at the menu, and it was just Chip, Chip Bar, or whatever it was. And I just... Okay, before you have a nostalgic orgasm you literally drifted off didn't you tell me why it was so good

what was the depth of the was it white bread brown bread it was definitely white it was a white barm right barm with proper butter on

not marge like like Lurpak no like like like Tesco's own butter Right The good stuff

Yeah But like the extra special one Yeah No like they've left the salt in I've got it I've got it I've got your butter And they've put salt on the chips as well

Alright And pepper What fat chips or fries? No like chip chips Big chips But not like steak like proper

like homemade chips like it's like he had some spuds and a deep fat flyer in the back right or a chip hand

chip hand chips yeah right and they were like really golden brown and I didn't have any

sauce with it at all no sauce at all not even a drink I had a beer there didn't have any sauce with it at all no sauce at all not even a drink I had a beer there didn't I in the pub and

literally like Jojo's seen how much I was enjoying it and got herself one and then we have a conversation every now and then she'll just like

I'll just text her and be like remember that chip butty like a fucking little I love a chip butty like a little reunion I had a chip butty last night

but it was oven chips with a like just on a a sandwich yeah shit but I chip butty last night, but it was oven chips with it, like just on a sandwich. Yeah, shit, but I'm on a diet at the minute, so you know what I mean. I really love a chip naan, which I know is like an intercontinental chip butty, but chips, really nice,

not fat chips, French fries, but slightly thicker French fries, and then wrapped in a lovely fresh naan, salt. Fuck a duck. That is honestly better than any chip butty I can think of. No sauce? Probably a bit of mint yoghurt. You know I like a bit of mint yoghurt and a bit of chilli sauce.

See, it sounds like he's taking the piss, doesn't he? No, is it? There's pizza? Yeah, but it does sound stupid, doesn't it? I'm telling you, right right now is there anyone else in the world forget that you know he has mint yoghurt forget that for a minute can you think of anyone we know you could go have a chip butty we make us a chip butty and if they come back into the living room for you with a naan bread with fries and mint yoghurt on and you wouldn't eat them with a bit of chili sauce in that the mint yoghurt and the chilli sauce, honestly, they bounce off each other.

I'm so hungry. That's awful. Right, watch yours. So my perfect is at Warburtons Toasty. Yeah. Super Toasty or Toasty?

The green part. Oh, the super Toasty, the one that they brought out and they literally, it's a loaf of bread and they slice it four times and they're like,

that's your loaf. Yeah. Beautiful. Like that table. Yeah. Chippy chips. Yeah. Which might be different than the Perot, I don your loaf. Yeah. Beautiful. Like that table. Yeah. Chippy chips. Yeah. Which might be different

than a pillow, I don't know. No, no. No, no. Especially similar everywhere. And a chip curry sauce, like chippy curry sauce. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. See. But I had dip, so I like to dip. You basically, you don't put it on. I have a puddle of curry sauce, I don't.

Okay, so I'm going to discuss both of yours because I have done this in the past. So what I would do I would go the orange war buttons Not quite the green, not the blue Thick but not super thick Or a balm depending on what mood I'm in

But most of the time I'd go war buttons Right Like lashings of marjoram butter Like So like it's melting into the bread You're giving me a little fucking hunger hard on salt and pepper on the chips but i have my curry sauce to dip in but i also want corned beef on the sandwich corned beef chips dipped into curry sauce i swear to god oh mate why not just throw some jam

peanut butter and fucking sawdust in there? Because I don't want it like yours. Corned beef? You can't put corned beef on a fucking chip butty. Well, look, if I can't have the corned beef, then I'll still have everything else I've said. I'm dipping in curry sauce. But if I've got the option of corned beef, I'll add it to it. You've just made your dream sandwich and just thrown chips into it. Don't think you get the concept of them. I like, this is what my dream chip buddy is,

bread, bacon, lettuce, tomato, and chips. A lot of people call it a fat boy BLT, but... That's just a BLT, though, with chips on. Yeah, I know, but that sounded like what you were doing. You've just worked it backwards. I like, what I really like is bread and chips, and then I also like corned beef and a lovely bit of mayo, and then I take the chips bread and chips And then I also like Corned beef

And a lovely bit of mayo And then I take the chips out And I have a sandwich Corned beef and mayo I don't know I was trying to ad lib But I literally Blocked your favourite sandwich out

Because corned beef Sounds minging Orange war buttons Loads of butter Chips Curry sauce And I would like to add

Corned beef to that To make it better But I can't If I'm just having a chip butty then yeah there we go first Maccy D's back what was it like what's the difference

I know this is so working I love it what's the major difference between McDonald's Japan and McDonald's UK the chicken is different in Japan they use every cut of chicken

so the chicken's audible instead of fatty and audible Oh right I haven't had a maki yet Which is mad What on the menu in Japan can you not get over here? I love international maki day strips I remember being in Prague and finding a muck toast

Which was just like cheese and ham Can you get sushi for the makis? Do you have sushi? No No You'd think You would think wouldn't you? The muck much you can get

wings in the tennedy farm what mcwings mcwings was it definitely a mcdonald's and not one of them like holiday mackies on you mcdenny's i love a fake kfc as well on the on the seafront conti fried chicken in fucking benedict they're literally like They've had about Four fucking Cease and desist letters In the last month

From KFC You can't call it Conti fried chicken No no no It's totally different We know Well it's good to have you here mate I'm made up to be here

I've been excited for months So it's mad to finally be here But I'm a happy lad And just get ready For some friendly abuse on Twitter that's how that's gonna happen

innit yeah everyone gives you stick it's fucking part of the initiation guarantee you that chip butty chat is gonna get some fucking interaction

there's gonna be loads of tweets about that people love shit like that don't they with Texas jelly bean going what the fuck are these guys on about what's it

where do you you put Doritos with curry sauce you know what chips like a packet of crisps and what's a bootay? A bootay? Do they have booties?

Bootay is that arsehole, innit? Just crisps and your fucking knick-knacks. That's what they... Like, bootay. Yeah. In America, it's bumhole, innit? Beauty. We've got to get to America, man.

I'm 40 next year. I really want to go to Houston and see Texas Chilli Bean can we stay at yours? in the fucking garage I reckon she'd let us stay I'd love to go and see

Houston like a Houston I don't know I want to watch a I want to watch a high school football game and I don't think I'm going to be allowed to just rock up like high school

this is my dream 40th trip is to do high school football. Is that a nonsense? Listen to me. High school football on a Friday night, college football on a Saturday night. And netball on the Sunday morning. And under five swimming on Tuesdays. And then an NFL game. But I think I'm going to need a connection for the high school football.

I don't think you're just allowed to rock up looking like I do. Like, hello, is this where your children play? College and NFL, though, I'm into that. My NFL team's the Rams, but I don't really care. I just like the sport. I just want to be away for the fucking... And I want to do a Houston McDonald's. You'd think that's going to be some good Maccy days,

don't you? I feel like, like, Texas is such a renegade state, I reckon they've still got the McRib, even though it's, like, banned. Why is the McRib banned? Because it's, like, too good. Is it? Is that how restaurants are?

These are too good. The American Maccy's banned the McRib because, like, people were, like, addicted to it. Yeah. Yeah. Right. What, like meth? It was killing people. Yeah. I don't think that's been the... Americans have bothered about that for a while, really.

This is really unhealthy. I remember asking for a bottle of pop and it was like, what the fuck? And that's like the individual. Yeah, but it's not as much sugar, is it? It's like shit, the American stuff. The sweets in New York were shite. We couldn't wait to get home and have like a Galaxy. Not as much sugar, is it? Like shit, the American stuff. The sweets in New York were shite. We couldn't wait to get home and have like a Galaxy. Right. I think there is quite a lot of sugar in pop in America, though.

Mate, put a pin in this. We are going. Leave Carl here and we'll fucking go do our little travels. Yeah. And that's for a chip butty in fucking Houston. But it'd have to be a fries sandwich, wouldn't it? Yeah, and it's not going to be as good. Which doesn't sound...

You know when I went, I'm really hungry, and then we've talked about food for 15 minutes? It's really cruel. Let's have a break. Let's have a little break. Come back and not talk about food. Pinky promise? No.

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I don't know about you, but I'm feeling triggered. It must be Have A Word with Adam and Dave. We have had Liam Curry. We were talking about wasps and fucking bees.

Carl, how wasps are cunts and bees are alright it's true isn't it? I don't like any of them no but bees are a bit like wasps are like nasty little shits bees are sound aren't they? you should say that I thought they were wasps

fucking hell lads, hornets, the hornets you don't want to mess with a fucking hornet hornets are like Like jacked up wasps They've been going down The gym Doing a bit of growth Yeah there's those

Murder Hornets Isn't there Have you seen They found one in Washington I seen it was on like Forbes magazine Or something I seen something else

On Forbes today I'll tell you in a minute But erm What What did you get A subscription to Forbes Oh it just came up On social media

What kind of weekend Have you had? I'm now a subscriber to Calm, and I'm also, I've got Forbes and the Washington Post being delivered. It just came up on Twitter! Twat bag! And it said they've captured a maida hornet in Washington, D.C., and they've now got to capture all the rest of them

before mating season, or everyone's going to die because the maida hornet's going to stab everyone brilliant that's what we need more viral death we need to isolate the one murder wasp he's got to stay home just wear boxing gloves wouldn't you like you just wear boxing gloves and like like a neck thing you know like those pillows you wear on like a plane and then sometimes it's so weird you know what? Sometimes... You're fucking... There's everyone bearded on it. You're just coming at you.

Can't get your neck. That's a weak point. You've got an ass on it. There's your temples sorted. Soup! Soup! You know, sometimes I want to rip you to bits for sounding like an absolute tard, but that does make sense.

Because with a murder hornet, you're thinking it's at least a fucking... It's a big one, isn't it? There's not a tiny murder hornet. No, it's like a highlighter. So go ahead. If Rona, you could see it, it would be easier, wouldn't it? With a murder hornet, you're like, just having a day.

You're aware that there's the murder hornet pandemic. It started in Washington, D.C. It's spread. Murder hornets are everywhere now. There's only been like 8,000 deaths But it's getting worse They've closed the schools

Murder hornets But if you heard The buzzing coming You'd At least you'd give A bit of warning Fucking roaners Are sneaky

Put a couple of cones On your ears So that you're hearing Improves You always wear your cones You've got your Boxing gloves on And you've got

You've got a neck thing And a head guard And you're like what the fuck has that mirror on it and then you just start fucking punching it's so funny

trying to convince people who won't wear masks you've got your head guard you've got your gloves you've got your neck brace have you got your styrofoam cups you've cut holes out of for your ears

have you got your bulletproof vest have you got your boxing gloves on to Tesco all the old people are like I am not wearing boxing gloves. I have been shopping at this Sainsbury's for 40 years. It's only been open 20. For 40 years.

And I refuse to wear boxing gloves. Murder Hornets. I've never seen anything of the like. They come for old people though, wouldn't they, the Murder Hornets? No, I reckon they come for kids on slides, don't they? Do you reckon?

They're pedos, is that what you're saying? No, I just think... Pedo murder hornets? Kids are, like, less aware, aren't they? They're just... They're flying around. No, mate. Kids are scared of fucking wasp and shit.

Yeah, but they don't see them as much because they're too busy, like, playing footy. Because they're daft as fuck. Because they're busy. They've got stuff to do. They've got to run. They've got to jump. They've got to cycle.

They've got to swim. They're dumb. Kids are dumb. I love my kids. She's dumb as fuck. She could literally hear the buzzing. It'd be right next to her head if she was having a conversation about buttons.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right. So they get to her where the daughter, she's like, she's been alone for years. She's widowed. Do you know what I mean? She's like, every noise in the night, she's like, whatis is like, she's been alone for years. She's widowed. Do you know what I mean? She's like, every noise in the night,

she's like, what the fuck's that? She's on edge. She's already got her fucking hearing aids in. Exactly. She's like, is the battery going? No, murder hornet.

Close all the windows. And it's foreign. The Daily Mail would love that. Murderous pedo hornets. Yeah. Good. We'll be well ahead of that. The other thing on Forbes

is that there's a new advertising campaign from Emirates Airlines. Yeah? If you catch coronavirus on an Emirates flight, they give you the free funeral. Fuck off. I swear to our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ Have you ever flown Emirates?

Yeah It's quite nice innit Honestly if you're a free funeral in there You get buried in a business class chair Yeah I love Forbes.com In a twist on loyalty programmes Emirates is promising travellers

A free funeral if infected with COVID Right If they die Of COVID Because that doesn't say that does it If you're infected with COVID you get a free funeral Well it doesn't Hey I went to fucking Dubai and back

I got COVID beat it off But say you what Nana Margaret's not looking fucking good. Hey, can I transfer my fucking funeral? I want an Emirates funeral. I want, she's my fucking duchess. I fucking love her. Nan, this is for you, and you've got all the Emirates fucking flight attendants.

It's going to have to be a traditional Islamic funeral. Mate, Emirates is not traditionally Islamic. You get bare boze on Emirates They give you free booze on Emirates flights They do that on any long haul flight don't they So why would they, if they're giving you free booze on the plane

they're not going to come and do a traditional Muslim fucking burial I'm not having that for Nana Margaret What's the difference between a Muslim burial to a Christian one Oh let me just check my Muslim funeral fucking backlog Yeah they just don't usually join up at meet-up at the pub afterwards. But where is the wig?

Fucking shisha bar. Every time I see one of them shishas, all I think is the bar from Star Wars. Never seen Star Wars. What the fuck are we doing with our lives? Who am I here with? Talking about me wearing underpants and having chipped hands.

What have you not seen Star Wars for? Because I don't wear fucking white pants. Oh yeah, that's it. Have you seen Star Wars? I haven't seen Star Wars. You've just done two long gold flights and you can't even be arse-pointing Star Wars on in a plane. He was listening to us.

It was a plane. Do you not even get the reference? No. I've seen the first one, by which I mean episode one. Phantom Menace? Yeah. I hate you. I can't...

What is that? That's made me so angry. It's unbelievable. You've seen the Phantom Menace because... With Jar Jar Pee-Doh Binks. Because by the time

I was alive, like, that was out and I watched it and thought, well, this is shit, so why would I watch the other three?

Oh, that is... How can they be any better when they were made ages ago? Oh, yeah. I don't know. I'm not even a big Star Wars guy but i'm finding it really like that's so bad why because they were bad the prequels were dog shit but how star wars though an empire strikes back and return of the jedi absolutely classic wondrous films but what are the, like, what's the point? Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. If I'm going to commit to... What's the point of films? No, like, that's a heavy commitment, isn't it? They're like two and a half hours each. They're dead old. And Aslan was shit back then. And it's set in space.

No, you're doing it. You're doing it to add me up now. Did you just say, all right? How can it be set in space? you're doing it you're doing it to add me up now did you just say all that how can it be set in space when did acting get good when did acting get liar liar Jim Carrey

1995 is that what it is that where is yeah yeah well acting was dead shit until fucking until Forrest Gump

when I want to know when what was the day when you thought acting got good eh Big Daddy

yeah I understand the film that moment where he's got to give the kiddo that got me that one flew over the cuckoo's nest shit dead old I'm not saying there isn't

like the odd like do you know what I mean there's some there's a couple of performances. I'd rather talk about food. It's like the way, like, Maradona could play footy now. Because he's, like,

one of the special ones from back then. But most footballers from, like, the 70s and 80s wouldn't get fucking near the Burnley side now. Because the game's moved on. Same with acting and films. So you think... Now, there's two points being made,

and I think that's actually quite a good point you know everyone talks about Tom Finney and Sir Stanley Matthews from the 50s like oh

unbelievable players literally never heard those two names you've don't be Sir Stanley Matthews Sir Stanley Matthews played on the right wing

for Blackpool and Stoke or whatever was one of the best players of his generation and then every generation after him

because he played until he was 53 so he was a wonderful player but you're like I don't think standards were that good if a 53 year old was still the best player

in the fucking league there's absolutely no way he's getting in United's treble and inside the Invincibles the City team from two years ago

oh I get it because at 53 if you're old enough that your son could be playing fucking right back while you're on the right your son could be playing fucking right back while you're on the right wing, you've got an incredible connection, these two. If you're old enough that your son could have already moved to the MLS

to finish his career. Yeah, I get that. But with the acting thing, you're trying to argue that acting's just got better and better, but CGI is now taking over and we live in the age of fast and furious you're talking about films that rely heavily on cgi it's set in space it wasn't filmed in space was it so you think the acting's better for cgi look at you you're in a fucking hole and i can see you and this is what's coming class this is what's coming this is what's coming he's gonna say something about my ma's vagina it's good no he's coming what's coming. This is what's coming. He's going to say something about my Mars vagina. I'm not.

No, he's coming. He's coming. I'm not. I'm just saying. You fucking... How can a film about space be better when they couldn't film in space and they couldn't make it look like real space?

No, that's true. That bit didn't look better. But you're basically shitting on all films pre-fucking 1998. No, just space films. Right. Right. Good. It's alright. You haven't given me a single reasoned argument apart from, so you're saying

this guy did this. It's just that you know, it's a good film. They're a good trilogy. You know people have banged on about them. It's not because they were dog shit. No, but it's nostalgia, isn't it? No one my age is watching it and enjoying it. It's people who related to their childhood.

If me and Carl watched it tonight, we'd hate it because we'd be like, you can fucking see the joints. I think even if you thought it was great, you'd fucking hate it. Why? Because you'd be like that. I wouldn't. I'm quite happy to be proven wrong.

When I get something wrong, I hold my hands up and I go, do you know what? You wouldn't. I'm quite happy to be proven wrong when I get something wrong I hold my hands up and I go do you know what? You got me. Yeah. Good. What um I really want

I think I sort of want you to watch it but if you turn around and fucking shit even worse than episode one with

Phantom fucking Jar Jar Binks I'd be so disappointed. So I don't know what to do. I think I've just got to let it go, but it doesn't feel good for you to just slander Star Wars. And I think, annoyingly, part of it is right.

It is nostalgia, but it definitely was good. Yeah. What film sort of... It's a big part of my childhood, I'll give you that. Yeah. What film would you say encapsulates your yours and Carl's childhood er Matilda

The Lion King Toy Story three classics I want to rip them but they are classics I've never seen Matilda you haven't seen Matilda no

no it's good it's great da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da my fucking the kid he's so he's so cocky I bet as a kid

He had a fucking Glass of water That's how it did me eye I was just Trying to force it Overconfident Adam as a child Watches Matilda Once too many

I used to watch Dragon Ball Z and then try and power up like Gohan and Goku and go fucking I love the idea my mum would come

in the fucking garden and be like you're a dickhead you're gonna burst a fucking blood vessel fucking pack it in and then I'd wait for it to go back in

and then I'd power up and fucking beat the shit out of my little brother and be like that's because I'm powered up there not because I'm four years older

and you're fucking old oh god anyway should we get back to this email about wasps he was like I've just listened

to episode 74 where you talk about your fear of wasps and let me revolutionise your life the best way to deal with the fuckers is a hoover how did your fear of wasps let me revolutionise your life the best way to deal with the fuckers is a hoover

from wasps to Dragon Ball Z honestly you powering up as Dragon Ball Z good wasp chat lad fucking pedo murder hornet that'd be a great team name though wouldn't it

do you know if we go down to the champion Watford FC are known as the horn come you know when they're like right we're selling a few players we want to come back stronger we're not just the hornets now we're the murder pedo hornets like fucking watch them um let me revolutionize your life the best way to deal with them is with a hoover i once went on an all-day session and unbeknownst to me lovely use of unbeknownst to me when i got back to my flat an entire swarm of the fuckers had relocated to my bedroom lampshade it was summer and i'd left the window open all day i didn't realize until i got into the bed and felt something on my leg only to turn the light on and shit myself why does that

freaks me out that wow that you've got all these wasps in your lampshade and then you get in bed and you didn't know because you're a bit pissed and then you feel something like oh don't touch me creeping up on your fucking leg and then you're like what the fuck you're still a bit pissed you've got corned beef and fucking shit buddy on your tits and then you open up corned beef from a chippy especially not late at night it's not the fucking point i was making then there's wasps all on your lampshade and all in your bedside table however in my too pissed to care state i just grabbed the hoover and sucked all the fuckers up worked a treat as he was a kip minutes later hey is the guy's a fucking genius

he just got his henry hoover out and fucking don't they live in the uva yeah and then they can get back out the uva through the pipe it's a fucking nightmare what if you what if you got one of your socks off to prove a point and just jammed it in the fucking hoover that's the job done isn't it yeah but then what if you want to so he just he just got rid of his hoover

if you suck up 40 50 normal non-perdo perdo murder pedo fucking was just normal was

you put them in there so you just move the hoover there you don't just pop the hoover back because then they're going to crawl out they're going to be annoyed

what do you mean move the hoover where do you put on the hoover pop it outside and then you just leave your hoover back because then they're going to crawl out and be annoyed. What do you mean move the hoover? Where do you put the hoover? Pop it outside. And then you just leave your hoover in the garden forever? No, I'd jam up the hoover thing. They're going to die in the bag, aren't they? Why? Because it's dusty. How long can wasps survive in a hoover bag? They're going to die, aren't they, eventually?

Yeah, but what if you... That could be months. What if you need your hoover the next day? No to die, aren't they, eventually? Yeah, but what if you... That could be months. What if you need your hoover the next day? No, but as soon as you're using it, it's just more stuff in, isn't it? They're not getting out of that, are they? You've took the sock out

and what if they're like banging down the door? Oh, right, yeah. And they're ready to... You've got to think about it. And they're going to be fucking fuming, man. You just not have to...

They just wanted to chill in your lamp. Now you've got fucking 40 wasps who are all pissed off. What a great excuse to never hoover again. I thought the first made a hornet was born. Someone just pissed off

a normal wasp. And he was like, that's it. Came out of a hoover like, yeah. Right. Anyway,

all done. Thanks, Liam. So we've got a would you rather here from Dan Johnson. I'm sure Carl is well aware of how these work being that he's

give us like eight of them that we've done over the past six months. Sending them over from afar. Adam and Dan. Quite disappointed that he's used our real names there. It's losing momentum, the fake names.

Yeah. Because it's a bit of a word as original thing, isn't it? Yeah. It's from like back in episode five and six. People are finding them now and just carrying on from where... He got to Adnan and fucking Deirdre. And now new people are like, yeah, they just called Adam and Dan. This is Dan Johnson.

Dan's been in from day. But you know what I like? I like about that. You get bored of a joke. I don't. No. No. Not.

Adam and Dan. I want to know Would you rather go That was a really weird way to start I want Because he says I want do know And I had to edit it in my own brain There's loads of fucking dyslexics

I want do know I want do know Would you rather go on a holiday your favourite destination Abroad every year But you have to go completely alone Or Would you rather be allowed to go on holiday with partner Slash family but you're limited to Only the UK

Dan Johnson's not got a family He's not got a family He's like god it'd be really weird being on your own out there wouldn't it it would be fucking joyful joyful yeah when i read that i was like oh my god it's so simple i can see why he thinks it's an interesting debate and i'm not slagging off my family but it's amazing being a dad and everything but it's amazing when you don't have to be a husband or a dad so literally you it's amazing when you don't have to be a husband or a dad

so literally you know the trip to America I'm talking about about going to Houston and going to New Orleans you want them nowhere near there mate they're not coming

and if you're not coming I'll go on my fucking own no problem I'll be alright I'm well up for coming me and Carl try and do something most years don't we but it's just me and you even if it's like a trip to london or whatever and we went to berlin

and i was gonna do japan this year but obviously um someone has a bat and put a stop to that um so we're gonna try and do japan next year for the olympics if everything's back to normal by then you know what it is as well being a comedian comedian? I think there's two things here. There's age and family and all that malarkey, and also being a comedian. I talked to my sister about what it's like gigging away, and she's like, what, you went and sat in a Pizza Express on your own? To her, that's like the fucking weirdest thing to do.

Yeah, Jade finds that weird that I can just, like, she'll text me and I'm like, I'm in Nando's. She's like, who are you weird that I can just like, she'll text me and I'm like, I'm in Nando's. She's like, who are you with? And I'm like, I'm just in fucking Nando's,

aren't I? Because otherwise, I'm in a hotel room, like it's a weekend away. Say you're doing the Cardiff Glee or something. At least if I'm in Nando's, I can't wank again.

Do you know what I mean? Like, I can't put a stop to it for an hour and a half. They're really weird about that. You just get used to your own company and just dealing with stuff on your own. So a holiday on your own,

like I'm the perfect combo. Not only have I already done this since I was like 22, gone away on my own, looked after myself. I've now got a family who I love hanging out with and spending time with. But one of the best bits since the Roaners kicked off is that first weekend when the Laws got relaxed and Laura fucked off for 24 hours.

And I was just at home going... It's amazing. You just want a bit of peace and quiet. It's lovely. It's full on. It's a bit knacker in. Loving to bits. But so a week away,

if I got to choose wherever that was in the world, that sounds phenomenal. But you can never, ever go away with your family again. Oh, Laura's going to be fuming. But what's the... sounds phenomenal but you you can never ever go away with your family again oh laura's gonna be fuming but what's the what's the so what the would you rather is you can only ever go on your own but it's your favorite destination or you can only ever go with your family but your limousine is the uk but in that would you rather laura can go away with her mum to say for fjord venture for adventure away she went last year so she's not gonna be asked she's gonna be like all right

cool never mind. Sweet. But if I said to her, the other problem with this would-you-rather is, is me having to sit Laura down and going, Laura, you know the family holidays? They can only ever be impressed at it. Literally, you might as well sign the divorce papers.

Bournemouth's not bad, innit? What? You've been to Bournemouth? Not on a halls. No, I went to do a gig down there, and it was a really nice day, and I just looked at it and thought, you know what? I could do a week here. Brighton, Torquay, a lot of those southern

Paul Smiths, who is now engaged, by the way, to his new lady. Congratulations, Paul Smith. I saw it. Go and check the Paul Smith episode out if you haven't already. He was with us a couple of weeks ago. He's put a ring on it. He's put a ring.

And I'll be honest, I fucking shocked around. I had a look at the pictures. I think he should because I love Paul. Great comedian. Good lad. But he has peaked, hasn't he? Yeah. Oh, mate. yeah she's like i was like his success and his humor are doing a lot of the heavy lifting in

the attraction department i mean new teeth is one thing but fucking hell look you can have all the fucking arm days you want yeah that is as good as it gets and she's dead fucking sound apparently she's dead lovely she's hot sound she's fuck it oh well done mate but also don't fuck it up so yeah

but she lives in Torquay and like Paul Smith like we said it when he was in like some of the pictures he puts up and the videos where they're like kayaking and you're like

you look like you're in fucking the Maldives you're on the south coast of England yeah but you know when people go, we're having a holiday in the UK. I'm not against it. I've had some nice ones.

The whole thing is the travel, isn't it? The travel. It's a ball like getting to the airport and then standing around with loads of lids and then waiting for Ryanair to fuck it up and feeling ripped off at security. And then it's a bit eggy. It takes ages.

There's queues. Then it's like, oh, are you speedy boarding? No, I'm speedy boarding, you're normal cunt boarding. You're like, oh, I just fucking hate it. The whole point with British holidays is you get in the car and you just drive there. I don't want to drive for seven hours. What's Torquay? It's five or six hours, isn't it?

I want to do a British holiday where I can be home in an hour and a half. That's where North Wales comes in for me. Yeah, but North Wales is so shit. Like, sorry to any North Wales listeners. Oh, it's so not. It's beautiful. What are you talking about? Oh, some lovely bits of North Wales.

I used to watch Star Wars in Cricketh. No, mate, you can't fuck with North Wales. I went there. Petheli, Cricketh, Port Maddick. As a child. I went to Port Maddick and got told it was called that because they changed it from Port Mad Dog

and there was a ghost of a rabid dog that ate children my uncle told me that and when we were walking around the port I swear to god don't press it because I'm not lying I really thought you were I didn't know where you were going.

My uncle told me there was a ghost of a rabid dog that ate children and I believed him because I was open minded when I was a kid. Yeah.

And we were walking around the port and there was a fucking dog on its own and I cried like a fucking baby. Because you thought it was a ghost dog? I thought the ghost dog was coming to eat me.

And your uncle's just there going, hehehe. He also told us another ghost story on that camping trip about a scarecrow that if you see it in its natural habitat, like in the field, and it was in the local area, they've

banned scarecrows. So if you see a scarecrow, it comes to your tent that night, and it'll fucking kill you. And we went walking up a hill or a mountain or whatever the next day, fucking scarecrow halfway up it on this little farm, and later that night I'm just watching the tent, and I had, like, a vision of a scarecrow coming in and attacking me, but it didn't happen. I was just having an anxious thought.

I thought I was getting killed by dogs and scarecrows. It's your best mate, Carl. My business partner. Your best mate. And now he's holding that shit against the whole of North Wales. Yeah, North Wales is fucking shit. They've got like pedo scarecrows and fucking murder. They shut the sun centre, didn't they?

So that was annoying as well right Land of Knows got a really nice gig though venue Cambry can we put it on the list

of you know when we do our first tour of Have A Word Have A Word Live I mean 2025 with the way this pandemic's going

when we've done the three shows where's on our list Donny Dome Skem Houston Port Maddock Torquay

we're growing Coventry Coventry the Rico Arena in Coventry we're doing the Rico Arena finish on that one let's have a break

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at manscaped.com two mics two leads and a lot of time on their hands. This is Have A Word. Oh! Yes! Woo-hoo! Now! Not the first time you've played the bell, is it? Great humour, Adam. I can see where you are in British comedy.

One of my favourite comedians. Have a fucking word, lads. What a great all capitals title of an email. Have a fucking word, lads. Wagwa, brethren. Oh my God, I can't believe we started wagwan. Why can't you believe it? Because you don't think he's black.

No, he's white. He's white in my head. Exactly. Well, now imagine he's black. He sounds... Read it that way. I would never presume. Wagwan, brethren. Wagwan, brethren. imagine he's black he sounds all right that way i would never presume wagwan brethren wagwan did you see that guy do that on the cbb's it went viral there was a little clip he was like doing an

art class and he went up to one of the kids the kids are like seven and he's just like starting the chat and it was meant to be like so what are you up to jamie what have you painted and he went wagwan and the kid went what beautiful moment the loads of parents you know you know parents like recording like what is the bbc doing like the guy's just trying to be cool and misjudging in trouble this week haven't they because they've said the n-word twice two different people on the bbc in the past few days have said... The N-word. Yeah. And like, not in a... And how did they pronounce it?

What voice did they...? And not in a white middle-class woman voice, because they're the bitches who are saying it! So you're not having a go at N's, but you have a fucking massive dig at W's? Yeah, absolutely. That's not the same perspective of the class, is it? No, no, it's not.

Are you telling me that you think bitch is as offensive as the M word? I think it should be. Do you? I'm taking a new stance on this podcast.

I'm going to cut that clip out and I'm going to put it I'm going to put it on Twitter. I think we should use the B word. It's time for a new host with Adam Marner's podcast Dan's being cancelled.

Dan's looking lost in his own vagina. Oh, that was a loud vagina, wasn't it, for our colleagues that work in the science centre? I don't worry about that sort of stuff. I've stopped worrying about it. Do you know when we first did our episode recording? Bum holes! I was a little worried. We shouted nonce so loud one episode episode but now i'm over it like

this is look they they knew what they were getting sort of when we moved in i see what you mean but the people who rent the offices around us did not know what they were getting they were like oh there's new tenants they had no idea but you when we rang up the tech people they're there like oh the podcast people okay good our reputation's getting round fisting i'll stop it wagwan brethren how do i say this i've just got a car laughing at fisting yeah but do you melt dicks wagwan how many times i'm gonna say wagwan do you want to show I really lean into it wagwan

bedroom anal gaping anonymous our mate has got a new bird and she's an actual bint she slags off all our mates

and makes comments and being a fucking dick to everyone we know she told our mate to have a go at one of us and even made my bird cry at a party because she spoke to her to start a conversation she spoke to her to start a conversation and called her a cunt and walked off mid-convo please have a word jesus christ fucking anonymous is you must like i know normally when we do this obviously i in a jovial non-realistic way i tend to take the misogynistic route for comedy purposes i really wish you'd prefaced every fucking jokey misogyny with that it would have taken the sting

out of it there was a point i don't know if you're up to catch caught up to the episodes carl where he was in the middle of his like pandemic grump there was about three other words in a row where at the end we were like who are you anyway um but now you think it's got to be me that turns. You've got, like, I lean into a character for comedy purposes, but you know women like this. Women who infest friendship groups, fucking Yoko Ono cunts, who just try and, like, just hook you away from your friends. No, no, no.

Come with me. Come with me. No, let's have two babies, and you'll never be volleying women up the ass in town ever again i'm talking about a very specific person and he now knows who it is where where did you go to in your head then um first of all i don't just take a stance for comedy purposes but have you ever thought in your white, cisgendered, privileged role that this woman is in love with this guy and feels threatened?

Feels threatened because she's being talked about behind her back like this. She's new. She's met someone she likes. She's been introduced to all her mates, all his mates, and now she is being attacked. She's a contract... Oh, Adam! She's trapping him.

Oh, no, it's not him. She's trapping him with a pussy. She's trapping him with a pussy. Whose routine is that? She's trapping him with a pussy. Sounds like Patrice or something. I think it's Eddie Murphy. Well-known women's rights activist.

I mean, trap you with the pussy. No, she doesn't sound great, does she? No, she sounds like a fucking nightmare, and we all know people like this. Yeah, we... Ah, there you go. There you go, Adam. People.

We all know people like this. Right, here we go. Ready? This is the new laptop. He's fucking... Be careful. Don't get caught in the trap. Any woman can get any man she wants.

And she puts her mind and pussy to it, they can have you. Because they have figured us out. We're very easy creatures to figure out. And women know all they have to do is cater to our egos enough, and they can have you. Guys, how many times have you fucked some ugly bitch that just kept hanging around, and you had to fuck her, and't ask her what she was doing?

I can't believe I fucked this bitch. But she just went, they just cater to your ego. Sometimes you see a real ugly bitch with her handsome dude walking down the street. You say, how'd that happen? The dude's going, yeah, how'd that happen? Because she catered to his ego. They can figure us out. Guys, don't get trapped.

We call them pussy traps. Let's call them pussy traps. It's a trap. They trap you with a pussy they catch you with a pussy alright alright it's a trap

the most common trap is to not give you any though this is 30 years old this this stands the test of time to this day just this post

the test of time he says the word he says the faggot about 43 times in the first two and a half minutes. And that is, should have said the F word, but there's two F words. You can't do that now that you've already said it.

You've committed. Stick with it. I've broke the fag barrier. Yeah. But that routine. Yeah, I get it. It's an old generalisation. It's not. It's kind of funny. That's what she's doing now. Yeah, I get it. It's an old generalisation. It's not.

It's kind of funny. That's what she's doing now. Yeah. It's new vagina. He's all, like, really excited. He's like, oh, yeah, finally in with this one. This is great. She's fit, whatever.

And she's just, like, slowly, slowly eroding. It's not like an immediate thing. Your friends see it before you do. But what she'll be is, like, she'll be like, are you going are you going out on saturday gonna yeah okay is is alan gonna be there oh okay don't worry about it and then she'll just let that settle and then three weeks later was that alan was was alan dead drunk again oh he was yeah and then three weeks after that alan's a knob you know i don't i don't like you i know he's your mate i know you've known him for ages but and that is how it works and piece by piece she pulls friend after friend away from you

until you're stripped down to your bare bones. She gaslights you. She almost gaslights you. Your friends, honestly. Well, no, but it's not gaslighting. Honestly, I know you're mates with them. I know you're mates with them, but they are dicks. Am I wrong?

Just objectively. They are dickheads, though, aren't they? Every lad's mates are dicks. It doesn't matter. It's all a fucking manipulative thing so that's yes you

this girl is a bellend yes now will you concede that there are men that do this shit as well if we're gonna generalise I assume

that somewhere in the world there is fuck he doesn't he honestly considering this is faux misogyny he doesn't like taking a fucking stepaux misogyny He doesn't like Taking a fucking

Step back on it No There are loads Of horrible Gaslighting Manipulative Fucking Boyfriends

Of course there are Of course I'm fucking around Are you going out In that dress With your thighs It was just your voice On it

Yeah Well that's what Men could say So that's what i you're right she's a bellend but we need to also put the little fucking caveat in it's not just not women that do this i'm not saying it is why do i have to add that caveat when that's not what i've said i'm not saying even women i know are manipulative cunts i'm saying this one is okay yeah this twat this fucker The one we've got to have a word with

The whole point of the fucking show Yeah yeah yeah Rat Twat Fucking Knob Right good And also

Will you admit that Eddie Murphy Raw Has not fucking Stood the test of time Erm I think You have to Judge it from the time it's in It's like nostalgia from when you watched it when

you were young yeah except star wars wasn't hateful towards gay people i'm not saying everything he's saying there is acceptable but you know it's funny at the time there's a there's a theater of thousands of people dying laughing at it so it was acceptable enough that no one in that theatre stood up and said what the fuck are you doing

it's not he wasn't the problem society was the problem yeah that's almost like saying listen Hitler got loads of people at his rallies

they fucking loved it they all wore the uniforms it's not really Hitler's fault, is it? They just loved the big old jamboree. No, that's not what I'm saying. Because Hitler was the leader. He wasn't campaigning against gay rights. Eddie Murphy was the leader that night, though, wasn't he?

He was a comedian. Yeah. He's not... Just being a comedian doesn't mean you can't be accused of anything. I'm saying that as a comedian. It means you should get the benefit of the doubt when it comes to jokes. Yeah, but if Hitler had just done a few callbacks and they're like, Oh, Siegfried, who's drinking?

I think Hitler and Eddie Murphy differ. Is one of them made jokes about gay people and one of them murdered six million people. Yeah. At least. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And counting.

But they both had a really stylish stage wear, didn't they? Exactly. The purple leather suit. Grey mustaches. Yeah, little mustaches. Can you not watch Eddie Murphy Raw now? You're telling me you don't enjoy it? It's not dated well. It's on the wall! It's not. It's not. It's not. Eddie Murphy Raw now? You're telling me you don't enjoy it? It's not dated well.

It's on the wall! It's not. It's not. It's not. That is Raw. Oh, is it Raw? It's not aged particularly well. No, of course it hasn't, but what does?

Friends is dead offensive if you watch it. No, it's not. It is! It is! If you judge it by today's standards, it is. No, hang on. I'm not talking about today's standards. I struggle to watch Eddie Murphy Raw in places you're like,

it's not aged. Then you watch Richard Pryor and you're literally going, none of this is a problem. Right. But I'm telling you, dropping the F-bomb as many times, that bomb, as many times as Eddie Murphy does in the first four minutes, you can be like- By the way, I'm not saying that's acceptable at all.

Of course. You can be like, it the way i'm not saying that's acceptable of course of course it's you can be like it's a different time and everything but i'm saying i like a lot of eddie murphy's bits if you pull them out and everything but anyone anyone who goes any time well i mean traditionally and i might be talking a little bit out of turn, but the black American popular, like black American culture does have a problem with its, this is so loaded. Homophobia. Yeah.

Yeah. You don't like hip hop culture. Hip hop's still very homophobic. Absolutely. Still today. Still today. Yeah. Just me watching it,

it's not particularly comfortable when you're watching it at home. I'm like, I never feel that about Richard Pryor. So if we're talking about what's aged well and what's not aged well. I'm not saying it's aged well. I never watch Friends being like, oh, this is dreadful. But some people do. Yeah, but I'm not talking about some people.

I'm talking about me. I'm a comedian. I'm not touchy about stuff like this. And some of that special I wouldn't hold that as the greatest stand up ever do you think you would have watched it at the time

and felt like that I think I'd have been 8 years old thinking what the fuck am I doing here but if you were this age then how did I get brought to this there's a reason it's very

that's mate that's very that's almost that's almost like saying well what if you were in the 1950s would you have talked about like the irish in a derogatory way like how do you know and if you've lived in that like exactly you've lived in those times i don't think that's a great i know what you mean but i can't project how because you've got your moral compass from today haven't

you exactly and he's got his moral compass from then. Right. And I'm saying it's not aged well. And I'm saying, Richard Pryor, you have none of those issues. So Richard Pryor was funnier than that without using any derogatory terms. Yeah. I sound like a daily male wife going, why can't you just do comedy without swear words?

What's funny about talking about religion like i know i sound like i'm just from personal experience that really just i don't know i even got yeah there's even bernie mack stuff and i fucking love bernie mack i love bernie mack stand up more than i love eddie murphy's and there's a whole thing from the kings of Comedy when he's talking about his six-year-old nephew that he's raising being a man. And it's funny stand-up. But that is, that's one of those words that now you're like, oh, it's a bad word.

Ten years ago, you're like, it's a bad word. And then ten years before that, you're like... In 20 years, you'd be like, I cannot believe people were talking like that I'm pretty sure my dad's called me that word When I was a kid Like you know if I was crying From like

You twist your ankle And he's like oh don't be a fucking My dad just wasn't around So it's easy That was it so it's easy where was he in a house with a woman called Linda he wasn't dead

he wasn't dead he just fucked off but let's not let's not get into that it's not good probably won't want to get into that on It's not good. Probably won't want to get into that on a podcast. Anyone feel sorry for me?

Stop being a faggot. Ooh. Order. Order. Two buttons. Great. I'm really glad with how this has gone. That's an interesting conversation.

A very interesting conversation. Do you know what? I felt like we agreed with each other there, but we were both communicating poorly. no adam oh dear if we can't sit here and say i don't i'm not sure i agree it's kind of fucking boring we agree on a lot i like that we've got different opinions about that stuff i'm not even saying i'm not i don't even think i'm articulating my point particularly well i'm not not anti-Eddie Murphy. I've watched his stand-up.

I'm not trying to cancel Eddie Murphy from 30 years ago. Incredible performer. I just think it's noteworthy that that does not sit well. Just the notion of you being anti-Eddie Murphy. Also, the person... He releases a new special and you change your profile pictures of him with a big red cross to it. No more Eddie Murphy. No!

Black Lives Matter, but except for Eddie Murphy. Well, he was excellent in that. He was excellent in The Nutty Professor. Isn't it quite weird that Eddie Murphy went from such controversial comedy to the point where two comedians

are talking about the level to which it is controversial 30 years later. He went from that to the best where two comedians are talking about the level to which it is controversial 30 years later. He went from that to the best children's entertainer who's ever lived. But to your point, no controversy then. There's no controversy then. That role was on fucking HBO, wasn't it? Yeah. He was about, how old was he then?

About 22. Something like that. 21 years old. Yeah. Man, I'm just talking about how it's like 21 years old yeah man he's i'm just talking about how it's aged it wasn't even controversial at the time he's a fucking mega star of comedy and the american comics talk about him in very reverential terms of because i don't think we can quite appreciate to the guys like sagor and burr who we all like look up to murphy was like

like dave chapeappelle was from a generation comedy wise even though they're the same age ish dave chappelle had been going before bill burr dave chappelle was like a made man at like 20 21 years old and was it killing me softly he did in 98 like bill burr was only getting going like he was only a few years in at that point like a little bit younger you know but Bill Burr was like Dave Chappelle was the fucking man and then Dave Chappelle

a whole Dave Chappelle is six years younger than Bill Burr yeah and was already long gone because Burr started comedy later than Chappelle

but yeah Murphy Eddie Murphy's from a whole fucking chunk before that he's his influence is massive I just think yeah

he's got a good accountant, Dave Chappelle, because it says here his net worth is $50 million. And I know for a fact he got $60 million for his Netflix specials. So you're telling me he was $10 million in debt before they came in? Yeah, I love the net worths. I do that for everything now. Someone's died. Let's see how much they died.

I check people's net worth. I love it. And you know people love it because when you put someone's name in... Oh, can I guess? Yeah, go on. 380 million. I reckon it's more. Okay. Eddie Murphy net worth?

160 million. Yeah, but he's been sticking his dick in places, hasn't he? Yeah. He's had to pay Mel B some of that fucking money. For a fucking half... If you want to be my lover, you better give me 100 mil. Eddie, you bastard! I need four bedding, Bartlett!

Jerry Seinfeld net worth? 500. 950 million. Oh, come on, Jerry. Sponsor the pod. You've got 950. We oh come on Jerry sponsor the pod you've got 950 we just want one he's the first

billionaire comedian wasn't he he's obviously bought some cars or something because he's I thought you had a fucking

he's the first billionaire comedian 950 million no but he was like it was he was named that a couple of years ago I remember

he did this really funny bit I went to see him at like a secret show in London I think I've mentioned it to you before yeah and he was on stage and he was like ago i remember he did this really funny bit i went to see him at like a secret show in london i think i've mentioned it to you before yeah and uh he was on stage and he was like you know i don't have to be here how much must i love stand-up comedy they've printed how much money i've got and i'm in this fucking room with you people i have seen now so many variations of mega wealthy comics do the,

I'm rich. We all know it. Him and Ricky Gervais are the two that do it a lot. Mickey Flanagan fucking nails it. When Mickey's like, I'm from a council house, you know that? It's well documented. But I'm doing all right. I put it bluntlyly I'm fucking minted

and you literally don't resent it at all I saw Ellen DeGeneres I've said this on the pod fucking way back Ellen DeGeneres doing it for the start of her special got fucking old so quick and so I wake up just like you

and then I go downstairs and my butler makes me a thing and you're like ah you're not like you're dead rich and then she did the joke at least five times in the first two minutes you're like oh god are you a musical comedian she's been cancelled now isn't she and for what for just being a cunt to her staff yeah Yeah. Hey. Like, making her staff, like, go and get me a fucking coffee. And they're like, oh,

fucking hell. I'm sorry. What? Is that every under 22-year-old fucking worker in history has been treated like that?

That's the whole of my fucking work experience. Isn't it? Where did you get to do your work experience? Where was it? Evans House,

your Ford garage. I made a brutal mistake. Mum went, what do you want to do? Whoever the it? Evans Halshaw, Ford Garage. I made a brutal mistake. Mum went, what do you want to do? Whoever the guy is who runs that fucking branch, you could get him fucked off. You know what we were talking about,

the F word before? I don't think the people of Evans Halshaw, Preston, give two shits about council culture. I think they give a shit about cam belts

because they were racist. Where do you want to go with this ellen racism four garages in bruglia network in who that's not in bruglia in bruglia read it how you see it in bruglia natalie in bruglia how much why did you think of natalie inbruglia. How much, why did you think of Natalie Imbruglia? Adam, having Google on a laptop in front of you is really dangerous. Do you know, how... $14 million. How the fuck has she got, at least $13 and a half. Mel B's only got $3 million, you know, isn't that mad?

Because the spy scales were fucking massive. Yeah, but she's dicked it. She's dicked it on Batley Property. Batley Property. Batley Property. He's got ADD, mate. He's genuinely got ADD, hasn't he? Yeah. Was he like this as a kid?

This is a fucking blessing and a curse because we get to know net worth. Where is he now? Who fucking knows? He's got Natalie and Bruglia that P.S. he can't say. Now he's on Mel B. Where are you now, Mel C?

Lee Carsley. Lee, where are you? Mate, nasty bit. Can we call this a pause? Between one and five million. Lee Carsley. He's got more than fucking Mel B. For Everton midfielder. For me.

Awful Everton midfielder. Has got two million dollars more than Mel B who's been banging out fucking wannabe and sucking Eddie Murphy's dick

for 20 years and he he's got more money for very mediocre performances in centre midfield are we closing that pot where are you going

share Lloyd disgusting two million a million less than Mel B Are we calling that a pot? Where are you going? Share Lloyd. Disgusting. Two mil? A million less than Mel B. Fuck off. Mel B is fucking Cayman Islands here. There's no way she's only got a million quid more than Share Lloyd.

Nah. Nah. Not happening. How's Mel B only got three million? What's she done there? She's fucked that up. Just buy property. Scratch cards.

Manchester, innit? You know, it's so hard. Manchester, what? She's from Manchester, isn't she? She's from West Yorkshire, isn't she, Milby?

She sounds Manc, though. She's from Yorkshire. She's from near Leeds. I'm thinking of Bo Selector, aren't I? Yeah, but Bo Selectorctor This has gone off the fucking rails It was easier talking about Homophobia in Eddie Murphy's special

Than Mel B from the Spice Girls being definitely From West Yorkshire Robert Carlyle Right we're done we're calling a pod We're calling a pod We're just saying fucking names How much is Freddie Quinndie quinn put freddie quinn

in net worth um 10 million robber carlisle for my team i thought you could say freddie quinn he's doing well on them garden gigs thanks for watching and listening everyone paul smith shut the fuck up he's got a nice comedian nice teeth and a fit beard. Oh, I typed in Paul Smith comedian N, and the first thing that pops up is new girlfriend. That means people are searching that look. Paul Smith comedian Netflix. Net worth. Right.

Oh, it's not in there. Right, can we end the pod? Adam. He's gone. The merch is available. Have a word. Right. Oh, it's not in there. Right, can we end the pod? Adam. He's gone. The merch is available at Have A Word... Have A Word... You okay? HaveAWordPod.com

He's lost his fucking mind. Buddy from EastEnders is worth half a mil Gordon Burns no Sean Williams stop just saying names I just want to see Gordon Burns Keith it's been an absolute pleasure

thanks for you know if you've not seen the episodes on YouTube with Paul Smith and Justin Morehouse go back and listen to them Patreon is patreon.com slash have a word pod the Patreon exclusive episode out every Thursday are we closing the pod off and listen to them. The Patreon is patreon.com slash have a word pod.

The Patreon exclusive episode out every Thursday. Are we closing the pod off, Adam? Who are you net-worth in? Barry Chuckles got five mil. Fuck off, Barry Chuckles has got five million. He's got two mil beers. What a great way of measuring your wealth oh yeah oh Jeff Bezos

he's doing fucking brilliant he's got 3,900 in school by the length of can't say the name oh yeah yeah

can I close the pot off we done if you want yeah I'm alright for the rest of the day now mate I'm just gonna stay here I don't think everyone else is. I think we're down a rabbit hole.

Steven Seagal. Oh, that's a good one. We've got to close on Seagal. Can I guess? Can I guess? Yeah. 78 million. 16.

Oh, he's fucked that up. That's only six mil, please. 16 mil. Right. Thanks for listening We will see All the patrons He looks like he's off

Off like a pitcher From a Chinese restaurant Wall don't he My actual life What's going on I've got a family to get back to Like tell me That if this pitcher

Was on a Chinese restaurant wall You wouldn't even bat an eye on it, would you? No, he just looks like a big fat China man. Do you want to close off the pod? I might. You can finish it up yourself. What do you want? Alan K. Bishley.

It's just Talk amongst yourselves I feel weird that I can't close the pot off Until you've Squeezed You say goodbye Great have we got a song? And

Yeah you don't No one's still listening I'm fucking Playing a song to no one We're playing The band from Star Wars featuring Mel B. Stop being stupid now. I've got things to do.

The song is by Lord Green. Lord Green, Pete Summer. Check it out online. Nice way to end what has been a fucking ridiculous podcast. Carl, it's an absolute pleasure to have you. Please go to

haveawordpod.com if you want to get in. Don't miss you quick. While you were in fucking Barry Chuckle I was doing

that. No, no, not another one. We're done. He's going, he's reaching for the laptop. See you guys.

Bye for now. Fuck you. If anyone sees, how bout it? You, me and the blue sea I just want you alone I don't quite have a rocket but I can take you to space I don't quite have a drop top but I still win the race Pop it, cop it, scratch it Wh whip it, lick it, take it, hit it, sip it Mix it with the syrup, put the swag on, beast Pop it, cover, put the swag on, beast Put the swag on, beast But this work I'm based

Pink sky and sunset looks like cotton candy You have to swear and give yourself I'm riding shotgun next to you With the roof down and the hot sun We can run one, we can sex some As long as I'm with you I never knew my limit, yeah Wait till the sun drop, pop the night shade Lift the sky with our spirit, yeah I saw six girls at one time Now I got a baby girl and she all mine

Now I got a baby girl and she all mine Take my talent to the grave I gotta make money Got a chain on my neck but I'm not a slave Rap is a bridge but it's all part of the game I got an IQ ten times your age I wrote three books each a hundred page Hundred points hit the club and I rage, oh Hundred points hit the club and I rage

Pastels, I'll pin you on my pastels All three on a canvas Put your right next to the Russian Dantos Drop top on the beach road Nowhere to go Nowhere to go I'm riding shotgun Next to you with the roof down And the hot song We can run one, we can stack some

As long as I'm with you I never knew my limit, yeah Wait till the sun drop, pop the nightshade Lift the sky with our spirit, yeah Saw six girls at one time Now I got a baby girl and she all mine Now I got a baby girl and she all mine Now I got a baby girl and she all mine