Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #8 of Have A Word (in Dan's Home Studio) w/Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale

Episode Date: February 27, 2020

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You're doing the Lord's work, boy. This is Have a Word with Adam Rowe and Dan Nightingale. I hope people don't mind the new voice I've got this week with this cold. Sexy, innit? Like in Friends. Coronavirus sexy. Like when Phoebe gets a cold in Friends

and she can sing all of a sudden. All of a sudden he's like, he's way better at podcasting. Fucking hell, just like, he really tuned into it. Your headphone lead's all twisted up, you really tuned into it. Your, um,

uh, headphone lead's all twisted up, I can't do it. It's just, it was literally just annoying me looking at it. Can't do that.

It's still a bit tangled. I'm not even OCD. Oh no! Don't, don't, oh my God, you animal! Should I audio describe this?

I'm just twisting the wire up now. And it's the first time you've worn white! So'm just twisting the wire around. And it's the first time you've worn white. So it just highlights it even more. No, I can't do the pause. Honestly, the prospect of you having a cold stroke coronavirus is less offensive than that wire being all mangled. I can't look at it.

It's staying there. I want to clean it. It's staying there. I want to tidy it. I'm in a bad place. Have you got a bit OCD with stuff like this? I don't think it's staying there I want to tidy it I'm in a bad place have you got a bit OCD with stuff like this I don't think it's OCD

I think it's just the natural order of things you call it OCD I call it not having a scraggy fucking headphone lead please move it

just leave it there if it's not OCD just give me a bad back if there's no obsession or compulsion then it's not a disorder i hope you know as soon as you just as soon as you drop dead i'll just straighten out the headphone lead oh mate you got sniffles babes yeah it's been um i've had a bit of a ropey week just like you know when things just go slightly wrong all right over and over again psychologically or mentally physically um come on you're in a safe you're in a safe space just a pain in the ass of a week so like i've had a tour date two tour dates and one normal gig that

i had to cancel because me and jade had a massive argument we're fine now we had a massive argument and at the minute i'm a named driver on a car driving both a new car and she just fucked off with the car oh i saw the post you put on the comedian's facebook so i was taking a car it was in brackets it said what I'll call car troubles. And I nearly texted you and then thought, don't be a fudge. Because I was about to be like, you okay, babes? And then I was like, no, Adam's fine. I'm sure he's just broken down or something. But then I was like, how's he?

What? He hasn't got a car. Yeah, no. So we had an argument. She was like, I'm going. And I was like, well, fucking go then. Go on. Got to work in a bit anyway.

Stop the fucking car. Luckily, you were gigging in Lincolnshire, which is, oh yeah, a fucking nightmare to get to. It's like a four and a half hour drive. And it's way worse. It's as close to Holland as you can get. It would have been easier to get to Holland if you just go and get a plane from John Lennon Airport.

John Lennon, don't fly to fucking Lincolnshire. So I had that. Thursday in Liverpool was great. We did a tour show, very long show, recorded it. But, oh, so Saturday, I went down to Bridgewater. I'll tell you about that.

Am I being thick? Where's Bridgewater? Is it Wales? It's below Cardiff in England. So it's like West Country, Somerset, Devon, Cornwall. You've literally just really fucked me up. Below Cardiff in England. So it's like West Country, Somerset, Devon, Cornwall. You've literally just really fucked me up. Below Cardiff, I'm like, what, in the sea?

Just past the sea into England again. But sort of south, southwest of Bristol. It's on the toe. It's on the big toe of the UK. Was geography one of your subjects? It's on the, just the out bit of the pig, under the pig. That's Wales. Where is it?

It's in green. I don't really know what the area is called. Do you know the county? No, because I did a Q&A on Instagram on Saturday night and someone was like, when are you gigging in Cornwall? And I was like, I think I'm in Cornwall now. Is it fair to say

and your career's in great shape and I think sometimes when you look at the list of names in your diary of places where you're gigging, you can generally tell how well things are going. Like if you've got madison square gardens an arena in chicago la and you've got all these big like glasgow manchester london

when you like i could get my diary out right now you're like lincolnshire bumbles fuck east yorkshire blackburn bridgewaters in that category but however great gigs aren't they because when you get there people are like mate thanks for coming here no one knows where this fucking place is

appreciate you we had a bit of that and so we sold out which is great little 120 seater room lovely and

there was a combination of I reckon about 60% had probably come to see me. And 40% had come because it's the only thing happening in Bridgewater this year. That's weird, isn't it? Where the fuck are you? There's a show on! I had to kick the entire front row out. It was a group of hairdressers on a Christmas night out slash birthday party

at the end of February. Now look I don't want to get sexist but I'm going to groups of women are the worst comedy audience, like female teachers is the worst possible group and female hairdressers, a collective of

them is as close to female teachers as you're going to get as a fucking thundercunt of a front row to have at a tour show at an art centre in fucking Bridgewater. In a place that doesn't necessarily exist, a front row that you definitely don't want in a county, unnamed, I'm having a fucking nightmare. Oh, mate, so I didn't take any support back down there,

just because of the margins on the tour. Like, I'm only taking support on certain ones. And so I support myself, essentially, because the venue's still on an interval. They still want to be able to sell drinks and shit. Yeah, you can't do, like, an Edinburgh hour, can you? You'd be like, what the fuck? It's just not a night out.

I'd just do an hour and then call it. Do you do, like, half an hour, 40, and then do another 45 or something No so I normally do 20 to 30 of just Crowd work Break And then do the show

So I still do the show In one chunk So I go on And I'm doing crowd work And it was great And they were really up for it But then It was one of those

Rooms where You know like You haven't come on From backstage You've come on Down the middle Of an aisle In the audience Yeah up some steps right

in the front of the stage so when you college awards in it or something it's like assembly yeah i was i was head teacher that's what i was doing next doing a show is one of our students adam and he does comedy give it up ladies and gentlemen it's not a round of applause that's your own footsteps yeah so as I'm coming off to go for the interval I had to go down like into the crowd

and this front row they're grabbing me to get like a photo which is weird I'll just say this if you're coming to the tour and there's loads of people who are listening to this

by the way who are coming to the tour shows which is dead good wait until after the show to take photos it's just weird to take I'm trying to get he's trying to get on the stage to do the show no trying to get off the stage to go photos it's just weird to take i'm trying to get he's

trying to get on the stage to do the show no trying to get off the stage to go for the interval to go to the dressing room they want to do pictures and do it in the interval and i get it look you you can't see someone do a show whatever you want to do that one of them licked me like right up the face another one was like playing with me i wasn't touching me i was get off. But I didn't say, you can't go to the front row before you've even done the show. Get off. So I just had to like laugh off, getting licked from one end of me face to the other.

Oh, by a woman? By a woman. Oh. By a dirty little Bridgewater troll woman. With big hair. Phenomenal hair. Horrific breath. In the second part of the show

they're sort of they were heckling a couple of times and I don't mind that like it gets annoying at times doesn't it but I can deal with a heckle

that sound what I can't live with is incessant talking that's actually got nothing to do with me it's the worst thing to be happening in a comedy show

they're having a little couple of conversations and I went you really need to stop that or we're just going to boot you out. And they were like, no, no, no, we're sorry. We're really sorry. We're sorry.

No, we're just talking about how much we're enjoying it. And I was like, isn't that always the difference of people talking at comedy? We were just talking about the jokes. You're like, I was like, I've just heard you say the word Tesco. So I haven't done any supermarket based humour yet so you're talking shit

so I got the doorman and they went no no no please don't kick us out so I went look just give them one last chance it's sound I'm sure they're going to behave now

how long did they last another minute so you know just as you're getting back into the strides of your next routine and they start talking again and you really need to shut up

and this woman went why and I went, what, I go, you're talking, she was like, I wasn't talking, I was like, yes, you were, she was like, I'm watching the show, and she was sat at like a 45 degree angle to me, she was facing her friends, I was like, why would you be watching the show, like, you're halfway through, turning around your chair on the fucking voice, and the chairs got stuck, you're facing the wall, you're halfway through turning around your chair on the fucking voice and the chairs got stuck, you're facing the wall,

you're not facing me. She was like, okay, we were talking, but I don't understand what the problem is. And I went, I went, would you,

I went, would you talk in the cinema? If this was the cinema, would you just be having a conversation? She went, of course you would. You talk about the film. Oh my God.

Lad. This should be shot. Nevermind fucking ejected. I lost it. You know know like I proper lost it for everyone this is for everyone that spent 11 quid on a film

I called her a cunt like to my and she's like half a yard away from me she stood up at this point and I went well then you're a stupid fucking cunt then

get out me fucking gig and I thought as I can we just pause the tape if a guy had said that you'd call him a stupid fucking cunt as well that's not sexism as long as I feel like I can fight him

anyone who talks at a comedy gig, a solo show a tour show and the cinema is human the cinema you put an R on the end I'm trying to better myself the cinema you put an r on the end i'm trying to better myself over the cinema oh that's brutal so with the with the bouncers at the side ready to go well it's a small room

it's 120 seats like studio it's a dance studio that they put gigs in there's a main room theater that holds like 600 or whatever um so yeah they just they left but then three of their friends stayed behind so there was three of their friends stayed behind so there was three of them who weren't drinking right so they was like can we stay

because we haven't done anything and we're really enjoying the show so of course you can use them they were the row behind right so there's a row of six one of whom had gone to the toilet though right

so five of them get booted out and the three on the row behind stay there and then the one who'd gone the toilet who was definitely either having a poo or doing

bags of beef and I don't mean having a line she was going to finish it. Tell you what, it doesn't half get you in the mood for a tweet. I tell you what,

I want to do talk just after I've had this shit. She come back in and I'd missed all of it. So she wanders back in and goes, where's everyone gone and i went and they've been kicked out for talking and she went just for talking so anyone listening to this

could you imagine if you had to go through listen would you i know we're repeating ourselves would you talk at the cinema yeah right can i just um anyone who listens to this podcast um i i would really appreciate all of you coming to see my my tour show and any live shows that you see me on come and see me and say hello and say you enjoyed the podcast but shut the fuck up it's it's just not okay to talk i can't believe this is something that people need to be told to talk at live entertainment in such a small room especially it's just the height of bullshit shut the fuck up watch the show and then fuck off yeah and also just generally in comedy i get it you're on a night out or whatever it's frustrating on the circuit but i think we're all you know we're all big boys we've

been doing this a while on a friday and saturday night when it's late on you get that there's a little bit of chat over there and in my head i can't stand it when comedians shush a crowd. Like, you know, when they're like, you're like, just be funnier. Do you know, like,

don't try and scold them. Like, like you're a teacher or something trying to get control of a naughty class. But yeah, a tour show, you're like, guys, this is,

this is different. This is more important. This is where people, you know, people have seen you at gigs and gone, Oh, I really want to see what they can do. Yeah. It's the same at Edinburgh

when you've worked so hard on your Edinburgh show and there'll always be a night when someone's just chatting and you're like not here motherfucker come and watch me on a Saturday night

in East Bumbles fuck Yorkshire that's fine I'll deal with that on a Saturday but not at a fringe show not at a tour show and definitely not

at the fucking cinema change it back cinema cinema fucking you tell you what you're right big groups of women

and don't get me wrong I've seen big groups of women make a show oh yeah like everyone so you're generalising because everyone

everyone can be good when people are like oh I hate stags and hens at comedy staggers and hens can get the energy up in a room that would have been flat otherwise yeah but there's something about a large group of female teachers yeah that one they run their own little world yeah so they're like i'm in charge of the classes it's not my class i think i've had five prosecco's i think no i'm not gonna stop talking like the hypocrisy of that well do you know what i think it is i think they spend all week trying to get a room full of people to shut up and do what they're told and fail right when they're not in the room they're like this is vengeance day it's my turn to say do you know what no go fuck yourself we're gonna have a conversation it's the

worst they are the worst they get so uppity as well it's funny you mentioned this because i it's just fucking arrogant though to be like yeah because it i said to them these nights i was like look it's one thing that you're pissing me off that's and that's annoying enough. But do you not understand that there's 90 to 120 other people in this room who've all paid 15 quid to get in, and they're not getting the show they've paid to see because you're being a knobhead? Because you're ignorant. Yeah.

It's the height of ignorance. It's the same as the cinema. Talking in the cinema is just fucking... You're not stupid. You're just being ignorant. But teachers are special like there was uh this is a couple of weeks ago because it was half term i was doing beat the frog which is an amazing comedy night new comedy night in manchester it's a bit of a bit of an institution

isn't it in manchester comedy and because it's half term yeah half term all the teachers turned up it's it must have been 40 teacher and when anyone mentioned teachers they gave us they gave themselves a round of applause like yes teacher one of the acts walked on him you could see it in his head he was like i can't i don't usually do this i was like i'm actually a teacher they were like there's one girl at the front who was so shit-faced said she was from leeds she was a math teacher she was so hammered, I genuinely worry about the level of education she is giving

to the children of Yorkshire. She was like, a maths teacher! And she was that level of hammered. Someone mentioned maths, later on, and she's like, just from a fucking coma,

she went, maths! I was like, what fucking maths is she teaching? Two plus two is so difficult. Fucking hell. Have you got any mates who are teachers now? Yeah, they're all stressed out of their mind and dead sound.

I like teachers in general. My mum was a teacher. My sister's been a teaching assistant. Do you not think, though, that like, do you remember when you were a kid and you had teachers and you thought they were like almost godlike omnipotent oh yeah demigod perfect beings and now like i've been out with a friend of mine i can't name him because he'll get fired but it was like a sunday night we used to go out on a sunday for a drink and we'd been out all day and literally into early hours in the morning he was still doing cocaine at like

half three in the morning on a Monday morning. God almighty. And I was like... Was it after him? No! And I was like, haven't you got work? And he was like, yeah, yeah, it'll be signed. I'll just take them out to play fussy or something.

And I was like, the amount of times that I turned up to school and the teacher was like, right, we're going to play fussy today. And we all thought they were doing us a favour. That was the teacher going, I'm fucking hungover. I can't deal with you lot. Here's a ball. Fuck off. I'll see you in an hour. Mate, the... If you're still doing coke at 3.30 in the morning,

if by 10 in the morning you're playing football, you get a bit of fresh air, and you do one of those, like, big sniff up. You know when you get a bit of fresh air in your lung and you sort of sniff? There is a chance that about a fifth of a gram of cocaine is going to still be up there hit your system

Jesus Christ Mr Turner's fast isn't he usually he's a bit slow but he's really going for it like like a fucking Russian athlete at the Olympics

like I'm ready to run now Jesus Christ he's lapped the other lad if you are listening well lad I mean we are not accusing you

or your country or any of your athletes of doping. You're cheating fuckers. Nasty, cheating bastards. I reckon this week we're going to notice a couple of downloads in Russia. I reckon they monitor everything.

Wicked. I'm down for it. We don't like podcasts. This is a letter from Kremlin. One, don't ever podcasts this is little from Kremlin one don't ever call Russian cheaters disgusting

also Bridgewater lovely place like it Vladimir Putin does tour shows all the time everyone sits no talking

and women teachers if we were allowed them in Russia it would be a good thing but of course they are at home with children doing steroids. Getting them ready for

Olympics 2020. Stop crying, Yevgeny. But Papa, I don't want to do gymnastics. Daddy, daddy, I need a pool. You are three years old. It's time to grow the fuck up. What's happening, guys? Adamowe here, just another quick message to let you know my tour

is now in full flow, thank you to everyone who's came to the shows so far, we've had quite a lot of people who've come specifically because of this podcast, that's great news, if you do want to come and see me, you can go to adamroe.co.uk forward slash shows. That's A-D-A-M-R-O-W-E.co.uk forward slash shows. This week, I'm in Birmingham. I'm in Chester. Dan's going to be with me at Chester. If you want to come and see Dan do a bit of stand-up, local boy is coming down to do some stuff.

And yeah, go and get your tickets now for us. Most of the dates are very, very close to selling out. So if you do want to come, I'd get on it ASAP. Rocking. Where have you been gigging this week where you been baby uh i was at the leicester comedy festival all weekend and i'd like to say a big shout to lee astle who came and sat at the front row and i sort of recognized him i was like do it he was like it's like i don't know just look really pleased to be there he's a newer comic and Yeah, and he's been listening to the podcast. I think I met him a couple of weeks ago.

So I just really appreciate it. It was really nice to have someone in from the podcast. I did the Leicester Mercury Comedian of the Year, compared it, and it's the second time I've compared it. The first time I compared it was in 2008 when Jack Whitehall came third. He's still gutted he didn't win that his career would be it's so much better if he just who won it henry packer oh he is great oh he's great he's just not quite kicked on like yeah andy osho came second i don't even know if she's

gigging anymore i think she had a i think she's in america i think she went out to la okay cool anyway yeah good for those guys you're doing a tour show there rather la yeah not yet missouri i'm waiting to hear back from a few venues in la just uh the forum are fucked i think they're chocker for the rest of the year. It was really good. Eric Rushton won. The wonderful Matt Bragg came second. So well done to everyone. It was a fucking joy to compare that. So Lesser Mercury is like a nominated new act composition, isn't it?

Everyone who's in the final, basically a well-respected promoter in the country, has gone, have a look at this guy. And then they do one show and... It doesn't say new comedian, but it's for new comedians. Yeah, yeah. A gig with Nina Gilligan, who's a circuit comic. If you ever get a chance to see Nina, she's fucking brilliant. She was like, hey, I'm doing Les DeMercu with you on Saturday.

I was like, really, Nina? She was like, yeah. Is it? I don't know what it is, really. I was like, it's like a new comedian award she's like oh oh i've been going 10 years so some fucking lazy bellend of a promoter could you nominate someone uh yeah and just looked at the weekend lineups and put them through anyway she couldn't make it she got like a corporate or

something so i can't make it that's how you know you shouldn't be doing a fucking new comedian show like award competition if you're like oh god i have to send it down because i've got a corporate and then afterwards they were like there's a party and i haven't drunk this year so far i haven't had a beer this year is that a little bit on purpose or i just every time i booze i'm ill the next day. Okay. I like the booze, but then it also, you know, just trying to be diplomatic. Being a pussy. I'm being a bit of a pussy, but it also. Do you mean you have a hangover or you're like, you get sick? Like I'm violently ill.

Like not just like, oh, I feel a bit rough. Like I'm sick several times and it's just, it's just. Is that normal though? I just, no, that's, though? No, that's... Mate, it might be for some people. I used to take a hangover like an absolute champ. Oh, no, I've... Oh, I used to be jaded and, like, still kind of enjoying it,

and, like, a little bit fuzzy getting on it. The day after the hangover, the day after the drink, like, day one of the hangover, I'm fucked. It's a write-off. I can't do anything. And often day two is a massive struggle well i'm in day two right now i am on day two and i still don't feel completely right oh so you had a drink yesterday was brutal went dancing oh and i tell you what we went dancing

it was great we had the we had the party then we're boozing and you know when like they've got they were like we've got a dj and everyone stood around i just started dancing in the conversation someone came up went mate you know it's not a dance floor i was like it fucking will be also my dancing is getting maverick it's getting maverick because i'm married i've been married a while i want to stay married i'm not trying trying to get laid at a party when everyone's boozing. And I remember, you're younger, and you're like, maybe there's some young ladies here, and I'll dance accordingly. Yeah, you're not trying to impress people with your dancing. Now you're expressing yourself.

And I dance like a cunt. It's phenomenal. I'm throwing shapes. I'm putting my back out. Oh, it's awful. I can tell it's bad to look at. I actually think it went full spectrum and went you know from like awkward to shit to oh my god actually that's so

ridiculous it's quite good ironically i think girls liked it i think who's this maverick look at him oh yeah i think like dancing like a twat is such a confident move you've just got to really commit yeah as long as you're committed to it i think people are like look at this look at this guy people like confidence it's a very attractive trait in it yeah but i think my dancing might have been tipping from confidence to is he special should he where's his carer i was like girls are coming up to me i'm like do you need assistance hello you're right do you like music yeah i like dancing right where's your helmet I met Jack White

all last time I did this I know Jack White of course you do love of course you do he came third what's he on about fucking moron

bless him you sound older with every episode of this you know because you said we went dancing I've only ever heard like pensioners saying we went dancing.

We did, we went dancing. But you went clubbing or you went... No, we didn't. We went to a party and there was dancing. So you went to a party, we went dancing, just sounds old. We attended a discotheque. You love hammering me

for being ancient. Because you're You're nowhere near as old as Your language I'm leaning into it We went dancing I remember the 20s the first time round You sound like this is your second 20s

The Wall Street Crash Prohibition the wall street crash prohibition oh yeah so uh i i apologize to lee and everyone that came to the lancaster one-man show that i had at 5 30 i started the show but do you remember a few episodes ago you were like sometimes i'm so hung over at the fringe that the first time i've spoken out loud is at my show and i laughed at, sort of scoffed at you. Like, you crazy young thing. You did that. I did. I really did that.

I had to go. I got to the venue and had to go back outside for some fresh air before the show. I just had to have a little word with myself and have a little wander around. Have a word? Beautifully done. And then came back in and they were the nicest people

and because I was a little bit hungover I think I tuned into the hour better than if I'd have gone in like oh fuck right I need to do this bit

that bit this bit and I started chatting to them because I was just a little bit fuzzy it worked brilliantly the first guy I talked to

I was like I'm going to tell the story about when I got stuck in the riots in Manchester that's what I've been doing with long shows because me and my mate got locked in the riots in Manchester. That's what I've been doing with long shows. Yeah. Because me and my mate got locked in the Odeon while the riots were on.

And I thought I'd start... What riots were these? The riots in Manchester. What period of time? During the Boer War. The great riots of 1808. The corn riots. We marched on Kensington Palace to lead queen victoria no oh funny um and i and i just it was one of them when i was hungover i was like i should

i'll get there and i was doing a little bit of chatting this guy was like here with his girlfriend and i was like you live in leicester he's like no we're at university in manchester you know and you're like hungover and you're like oh I couldn't have asked for an easier in like he'd been really funny got a few laughs out of him but in my head I was like I'm going to meander this

to Manchester and just for me he went yeah I was studying in Manchester I could have kissed him I would have it's the complete

the complete opposite of your Bridgewater front row I went fucking what's wrong with this I'm just talking mine were like Dan we're going to accidentally ease you into your bits of material and make it look of your Bridgewater front row. I mean, fucking, what's wrong with this? I'm just talking. Mine were like, Dan, we're going to accidentally ease you into your bits of material

and make it look like you've just ad-libbed a 15, 20-minute story about the riots just because someone was in from Manchester. The crowd were like, this guy, I tell you what. I mean, he doesn't smell good, but my God, he knows how to whack an anecdote out. So, yeah, I really appreciate you, Lee. And everyone that came to my Leicester show,

it was sweet. But that's me not drinking for quite a while now. My hangover's a bad one. Not good. I'm still in one. A night out for you is like a six-month prison sentence. You're now in sober jail. You're making it

sound like it's bad I don't want to I just don't want to booze I just it's not in me nah I will eventually

there'll be a night out or whatever do you know what when you win the league when Liverpool win the league I might come for a beer with you because I'm so excited to see you

live through that like yeah Liverpool's going to explode I think we could do a new feature here I reckon we should ask people to write in about this I reckon hangover stories the worst hangovers you've ever had.

Because I reckon there's some stories on this. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm just tracking back through my memory and then I go, oh, gosh. I did that thing, you know, in Bill Burr's bit where he's like, do you ever, like, have memories from the past while you're in the shower and you just have to shout them away, like, what's happening?

And he's like, press the hot water again every day. My favourite routine of his about hangovers is when he's like, when you brush your teeth the next morning and you catch your own eyeline in the middle and you're like, you fucking piece of shit. Yeah, I get such... Good hangover stories, if you've got them. My hangover regret, like, just, like,

I regret, like, the shoes I wore the night before. I'm just constantly having, like, a panic attack for the day and off after the drink. And when I'm hungover, I absolutely mean it. I am never drinking again, and I believe myself. I'm like, it's never happening again. I will never drink again and i believe myself i'm like it's never happening again i will never drink again until the next time i drink the as soon as the hangover's over yeah literally within 72 hours i'm like when can i get another pint is that it so is that the 72 hours in the first 24 you're like i'm disgusted i'm off and the next day you're like i might i might join a church

i just think i need to be part of a choir or something day three day three i'm like when can i next invent an event to have a drink at like thursday night i was like to jade i was like i'm gonna have a drink tonight she was like oh why on a thursday and i was like oh it's mean pig liverpool show she was like isn Jade, I was like, I'm going to have a drink tonight. She was like, oh, why? On a Thursday? And I was like, oh, it's a mean pig Liverpool show. She was like, isn't this the smallest Liverpool tour that you've done in three years? And I was like, yeah, but still. Oh, that's what I meant to tell you before. I recorded Thursday night.

Done an hour and a half. A hot water. Did a combination of this year's show and a few old bits that I haven't got recorded anyway. 90 minutes. Fucking fire. Great show. Start to finish the crowds. haven't got recorded anyway. 90 minutes. Fucking fire. Great show. Start to finish the crowds. I've nailed it.

Three camera angles. One at the back. Oh, I know where this story's going. I've lost the wide angle. I saw your tweet. I've dropped a memory card somewhere in town. Fucking devastating. Is that why you went drinking? Did you lose it when you were drinking no i lost it so the regret oh i'm a disgusting person and i've lost the wide angle

i lost it on saturday on the way to bridgewater bridgewater was just a fucking write-off from start to finish so what happened was i packed me back and i decided i was going to pack light if i can travel with just my backpack I'll do it So I was only going for the one day I was getting the train down And I had my memory cards In the front pocket of my backpack And I was like

Right Zip up No Yeah a zip up But I needed Like to take me Toothpaste and mouthwash and stuff

And it Made it quite bulky at the front So I was like I don't want to Like I don't want that to leak and ruin these memory cards so to be safe i'm just going to put them in my pocket and i put them in my pocket and then literally as i went to get on the train i checked to see if all four

were still there there's only three god knows where it's fucking gone absolutely devastating oh god can't can you piece it together without without the wide angle yeah i think we'll still be able to get a good hour-long product out, but it's just not going to look quite as slick as I want it to. No. Devote. And the audio's good and everything. It looks and sounds better than I thought.

Like, when I came off on the night, I was like, good show tonight, been annoying with a couple of echolos and whatever. Edit round that, not a problem. But I watched it back and I was like, I fucking murdered this. This is going gonna look great fucking wide ankles gone and i hadn't backed it up twat i'm twice of the week this week did you put did you put like a uh you i saw a tweet where you're like i'll give you 150 quid if someone

gets me this back yeah because i i assume i've dropped it in town somewhere and still right now it's 128 gigabytes sandiskDisk Extreme memory card. It's got a gold label on it. If you find that in Liverpool City Centre, I'll double it. 300 quid. 300 quid if anyone finds that memory card. And look, that memory card actually cost 60 quid to buy. So I'll even do you a deal.

If you need memory cards, give me it back. I'll give you 300 quid for it. And then I'll back the fucking footage up and I'll give you the memory memory card so you'll get 300 quid and a 60 quid memory card if you get me it back but it's not gonna happen is it oh balls mate it's so devastating so annoying someone uh uh pinched my tom tom a couple of weeks ago you know i was away for the week you've still got a Tom Tom. Oh, fuck off. Fuck off. It's a good Tom Tom.

It was. Someone's nicked it. Who's nicked the Tom Tom? I don't know. Who needs four quid that much? The smackhead's like, okay, now, they've left the car open.

Why don't you just use your phone? Well, I am doing now, aren't I? It's got, like, active on it. I'm using Waze. Exactly. I'm worried about my gig being used up. How much does it use? How much data do you get?

15 gig a month. And how much do you use? I don't know. You've been using a TomTom. Why haven't you got unlimited data? It's like an extra two pound a month. Is it? Yeah.

I have to speak to them. Fucking hell. And with British Telecom as well. Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Hello? Liverpool 5. I wouldn't be surprised if you were still on fucking orange. One to one. Hello? Liverpool 437

Could I speak to Adam please I want to tell him about the 1920s You know when you So I nicked my fucking Tom Tom It's not funny that It is funny Could you just imagine a smacker going Fuck I didn't know I could get home this quick

I just want to know one thing Just before we move on And we talk about your Tom Tom You know like if you need a phone number For like somewhere Do you Google it or do you call 118 what's 118 it's like a digital yellow pages i just called the operator hello hello operator you're right it's good taking the piss out of me,

but I hope it's killing you. Are you having a fun time? Fucking coronavirus. Quick as you can. It might be. You might have been licked by some Bridgewater coronavirus. Oh, that nasty fucker.

She's given you a... She licked you and now you're ill. I already had me cold, but now that I'm thinking about it if I have got coronavirus she's going to be dead and that'll be good buried

buried at a three quarter angle I don't see why I can't talk at my own funeral because you're dead Sharon so someone stole your tom tom grandad Daniel you're not taking it seriously

I'm really really not happy about it. I can tell the way your eyes look there. Like, we've been doing this podcast long enough that you were like, I'm going to pretend that I'm being serious. Someone stole your Tom Tom. I know you don't give a shit. No one gives a shit.

I do give a shit. I didn't like the feel of the fact that someone was in my car. I don't know why. I mean, if I'd not left it open in front of my sister-in-law's fucking house you have to open yeah i left it open why because i live in a fucking suburb of chester that is just it's so quiet and i've got out of the habit of locking it daft really why would you ever what's the advantage to not locking it? I forgot. I forgot to lock it.

Right. I'm not like, I'll keep that open. I wouldn't want to waste all that time. Is your car open outside now? No, it's locked now. But sometimes I forget because there's no, because I just live somewhere where it doesn't matter. You could leave it open for a fucking year.

No one's nicking anything from here. But in this bit of Nottingham, apparently if you leave it open for about four minutes, someone's like, fuck you know me, dog. I'll have that. I wonder who he's selling that to. I went on eBay. Is that funny?

Do people still use eBay? They do, yeah. Yeah, all right, nice one. I went to the market. Went to the digital carpet sale. Do you know they do carpet sales on the internet? I went online, but I won't use 4G. Don't trust it.

I use H. And I was looking for Tom Toms, and then a lot of them come up without a base or a charger. I was like, I'm not buying these on principle. I'll probably end up buying my own fucking Tom Tom back from some skagged eBay user. Shithead 3. Get unlimited data on your phone.

Oh, no, I will. And use... Does your TomTom ever fuck you when you've got a long drive? Do you ever get to a bit and it's closed? No, it was pretty good for that. It was one of them traffic update ones that's like, you're all right, go this way. But it's all on your phone, isn't it?

Your phone's literally connected to Google Maps. Google own everything. We're all being watched by Google yeah and there's nothing we can do about it that feels safe it's nice Google Maps will be like

occasionally you'll be driving on a motorway and Google Maps will go hey you know if you go left yeah I know it doesn't seem right but you'll save 27 seconds

on getting home it's like even the smallest margins it'll help you out and they all add up yeah I've been using Waze which is pretty good.

Yeah. Waze is good because it tells you where the fucking pigs are, doesn't it? Does it? Yeah. It's like an agricultural thing. Fucking hell. Fuck. Thank you.

Thank you. That's why we play Leicester Comedy Festival With jokes like that The fucking pigs How aggressive was that If you're driving On a motorway And you drive past You know like a busy

Who's got like his Speed gun out You can just There's a little thing On the dashboard of Waze And you can hit it And then Everyone who's behind you

Will get a notification When they're getting towards it Like Oh my god Slow down there kids Everyone loves the fucking Waze in Liverpool Bacon on the hard shoulder there Fucking 5-0 lads 5-0 It's so good when they're getting towards it. Oh my God. Slow down there, kid. Everyone loves the fucking Waze in Liverpool.

Bacon on the hard shoulder there. Fucking 5-0, lads, 5-0. It's so good, Waze. This is the thing, and I'm not getting another TomTom because I've used it to and from Leicester and it was great. I'll just sort my thing. It was so good that it popped up.

It was like, oh, there's a car pulled over. I was like, how the fuck can you know there's a car? Oh, there it's there. I drove past it. Waze is so shit hot. But I'm mad. I'm like, the fuck can you know there's a car oh there's there drove past it Waze is so shit hot but I'm mad I'm like I don't understand how it knows

that that car's pulled over maybe they've got Waze as well it's mental and it was like pothole coming up I was like oh it's a pothole yeah

fucking sick nice I tell you what it's just nice that you can let other people know of the dangers in the world do you know it's now illegal

to maybe Waze hasn't got that police thing. Do you know it's now illegal to... Maybe Waze hasn't got that police thing anymore. Because I think it's illegal to be like, hey, there's a busy... There's a scouse Twitter account, right? How does this not surprise me? Called Places to Go on Holiday.

Right. And if you read his bio, it's like, this is a list of places I suggest you go on holiday. And if there's any policeman with speed cameras in these locations, it's purely a coincidence. And he'll be like, Walton Vale. Fucking great in the summer. Right now.

On Moore Street. Genius. Oh, my good grief. It's Havawad with Adam and with adam and dan hey motherfucker it's the would you ride a section of the have a word podcast here we go we've got some would you riders dan's brought his own we had some sent in to have a word pod at gmail.com keep them coming we love reading them dan what's the first one this week baby let's do uh i love i don't know where that came from but it was really exciting at first i was like oh adam's not gonna keep going with this you're

like fuck no i'm gonna commit to this shit because i'm from fucking carpentry that's the carpentry accent please don't complain uh some of the animals that have sent suggestions listen There's been some awful ones, hasn't there? Listen, we really appreciate the contact, but the ones we're not reading, if you're listening going, why have they not read mine? You know why.

You dirtbags. Absolute dirtbags. We've had the same one like three times. That's just disgusting. Yeah, I don't know if it's like a generic one but I'm not doing it Hayley

Hayley Brelsford now this is what I'm into did she send it to you? so Hayley contacted me on Instagram and was like I've got a would you rather for you

and it was this and I said do us a favour that's great send it to the email so that we definitely read it out tomorrow I forgot what it is though so remind me.

Adam and Dan, would you rather have sex with the ugliest person you've ever seen or a reasonably good... Jesus Christ. Who's listening to our podcast? Or a reasonably good looking fresh corpse

and then she's qualified it with fresh as in dead, within the hour. So, the ugliest person you've ever seen or someone dead, but they're not that dead. They've been dead for a bit, so they're not, like, stinking. They haven't, like...

No, but hang on. They're not that dead. They're dead. Yeah, but they haven't been dead for that long. Right, okay, yeah. They haven't nailed being dead yet. They don't stink. They're not rotten dead. They're dead. Yeah, but they haven't been dead for that long. Right, okay, yeah. They haven't nailed being dead yet. They don't stink. They're not rotten.

Right. Yeah. This is fucking grim. How ugly? The ugliest person you've ever seen. Right. That's what she said, isn't it? Oh.

Do you know what's fucking incredible? This is really ugly, people. One of these options is necrophilia, and you don't know. Oh, no. I think we need to address the issue here that the corpse, did they consent before they died? Oh, my God.

You're so 2020, Adam. We can't just be fucking corpses against their will. It's disgusting. So we are working under the assumption here that the corpse said, or they, I'm going to be dead very quickly. And please.

They left a note. Within an hour. After an hour. Fucking leave me alone. Just tied left a note. They left a note. Within an hour. After an hour. Fucking leave me alone. Just tied to a toe. Have at it. I don't want to do either, but it's would you rather.

That's not the game. I don't want to play. And obviously your instinct is to go, oh no, I'd never have sex with a dead body. But then you look at some of the fucking states out there. Just... Oh, God. Do you know what I wrote as well about a dead body?

If it's dead within the hour, if they're quite a clean person, yes, they're dead, and it's necrophilia. Yeah, so... Some living people absolutely stink. We are working under the assumption that it is a dead person, but not only are they attractive, but they're super hygienic.

They're a ten, an absolute ten. And they had a good personality. Nothing that matters anymore. Fuck it. They had a good personality. They were really nice. Excuse me! Was this person, was this corpse racist before they died?

No, they weren't. Brilliant. I'm fine to bang it. That's fine. Fucking grim. I'd like to have a drink with Hayley. That's what I'd rather do. Because she seems like my kind of mental. Like her would you rather has made me feel borderline nauseous.

But I love how your man works. Fucking. I love the fact that it's it's like there's some guys sending us some and you're like lads you can literally would you rather and you're like you just i love it hayley's like yeah i don't give a shit this is what i'm into so what what's your answer you don't know do you you can't commit to me i've seen some fucking ugly people Have you Like You know your lowest Bang Like the ugliest person

You've slept with Oh yeah Would you rather sleep with them again No Or the corpse No the corpse Also they were fucking annoying as well Yeah

Corpses don't say anything Oh no It's gonna have to be the ugly Why as well. Yeah. Corpses don't say anything to me. Oh, no! It's going to have to be the ugly. Why? Because, like, I assume we've got to finish as well, yeah? It's not just like a quick dip. Oh, I can't believe we're still talking about this.

It's not just a quick dip, is it? So disgusting. You've got to... Completion. And if there's a corpse there, no movement, no moaning, just like, it's like marriage fucking dad gags tonight

two days after a hangover I'm like this grandad gags Hayley you're gross and I love it what's your answer? oh I just would you rather? let's have a discussion and then just leave you can't just show you're working

and then not give the answer. If I can take a pack of wet wipes. Yeah. The cups. Do you know what's really funny? I'm so happy you said that because when Hayley messaged me this, she said,

oh, I've got to pull this up on set. She said, would you rather have sex with the ugliest person you've ever seen or reasonably good looking fresh cups? And I said, fucking hell, get this over with got to pull this up once. She said, would you rather have sex with the ugliest person you've ever seen or reasonably good-looking fresh corpse? And I said, fucking hell. Get this over. We'll do it tomorrow.

And she said, yeah, mate, no worries. Sorted. Dan's going to fuck a corpse. You just know it. We're seven episodes into this, and people already know you that well. I give a shit. And you know why? Because the ugliest person ever, in my head, they smell as well. That's part of what makes them ugly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I can't give a shit and you know why because the ugliest person ever

in my head they smell as well that's part of what makes them ugly yeah yeah yeah and I can't do it I can't do it and I think it's rude although it is rude

to have sex with a corpse it's pretty rude to take the pack of wet wipes out with the ugly person like listen Bev let me just arms up

arms up like my daughter at bath time for freezing them yeah like my daughter at bath just arms up arms up like my daughter at bath time for breezing them like my daughter at bath time arms up pits and bits

for breezing them for breezing them what do you do for so flora it's all over their body what do you use aphrodisiac Sanex

you dirty fucker so you're fucking a corpse so flora I'm gonna fuck the ugly person just because we're all beautiful on the inside shithouse

if I'm being honest I reckon I'd probably fuck the corpse as well you could have just left it I'd actually leave it as we'd fuck the same one no that's gross

that's gross. That's disgusting, Adam. Find your own corpse. Andrew Jones, thanks for this. Would you rather orgasm loudly whenever you saw your crush? Oh my God. This guy is so modern. He's from this 20th.

Would you rather orgasm loudly whenever you saw the person you fancy So modern. He's from this 20s. Orgasm loudly whenever you saw the person you fancy or being capable of orgasming ever again. So basically, you just literally orgasm loudly in your knickknacks whenever you saw the person you fancied or never be able of orgasming. I mean, to never be able to again yeah i think you're gonna have to but although to be fair that is brutal isn't it anyone you fancy just like oh no but it says your crush not your crushes so it's just one person so it's the one person you fancy the

most yeah but you've got you've got to say that to your wife. Yeah, and that makes home life really difficult, innit? Etta, come out of the lift for you. Danny's got a problem again. Etta's birthday. Happy birthday. I'm coming in with a cake. Don't! Don't come in with a cake!

Why's Laura... Why's Dan's wife wearing a burka? It's honestly for the best. Happy birthday to you! Making your wife convert to Islam just so you never see her again. But, you know, that's actually still there, so you'd still, you'd just be, yeah. Oh, dear. I think you've got to go, as long as it's only one person, you've got to go As long as it's only one person

You've got to go that and then just avoid that person forever Ghost for good reason Yeah Yeah you can't ever give up I mean You can't give up orgasms No How do you get to sleep?

I assume that you still need to orgasm as well That's what I'm assuming So you're constantly got like a I need to have what I'm assuming so you're you constantly got like a I need to have a wank me but you can't that'd be a nightmare wouldn't it

oh my god just by like the second week just constantly fucking menace second week fucking six hours how many times

what are you doing what's your what's your batting average at least once a day at least once a day at least once a day. At least once a day. At least once a day. Don't have a full mouthful when we're talking about Augustus. I'm not just talking about wanking,

I'm just talking about ejaculates in general. Yeah. Once a day. It's got to come out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I totally agree. What's yours? Once or twice. A month? told this to laura about a month

literally had this conversation don't know how i think it in marriage there's certain things you don't want to know like how many people you slept with you know when people like you know when you date and you're like how many people have you slept with it's something you do when you're young we met when i was 33 and we've never had that conversation because why? Why do you want to know? Don't want to know? Don't want you to I don't it's not like Wikipedia

and you get my stats out no even if it's just one before you then it's like who is she? yeah yeah it's even worse maybe but honestly

am I as good as her then? no because you've only got us to compare to haven't you so it's either me or her so who was better? two or three days of not you know

not letting off that pressure valve is dangerous yeah I once jizzed on my own face I have to leave I've done that have you done that

I just oh yeah I was like oh and I just must have I don't know it just must have been the build up of pressure

over two days and it just hit my it hit my chin and I'm not even joking a little bit on my bottom lip because i was lying down i was hunched over like looking at my phone and i just and i was like oh oh yeah yeah i i didn't get any on me face face but it was like me under face me like the bottom of me chin it's on your chin oh it was like me under face. Like the bottom of me chin. Chissed on your chin. It scarred me. Like I'm getting like a Vietnam flashback here. I've seen some things, man.

You worked there. Also, this, by the way, this wasn't when I was young. This is like about six months ago. How long had you not relieved yourself from? It's been a couple of days. A couple of days. A couple of days.

Fucking hell. Fucking hell. Fucking hell. You must be like a fire hydrant in your 20s. Ah, she blows! I'm actually looking forward to it all calming down, you know. I can't be far off. Listening to CDs in the car. Haven't had an erection for ten years.

That's how I like it. What's the weirdest place you've ever had a wank a back of a stagecoach bus on the way down to Nottingham from Newcastle I cracked one out

of the back of a megabus no a stagecoach I'm not an animal I didn't wank on a on a megabus hang on was there other people on the bus

yeah but that it was it was a really quiet one I just I was about 21 22

it was going down to my first ever paid gig so I can tell you what it was it was about 21 22 it was going down to my first ever paid gig so I can tell you what it was it was about November 2002 yeah I'd got

I just I was so wound up and I was the next person was about 6 rows in front of me and I cracked one out of the back of a

fucking stagecoach bus was it like one of those bus boners that we all get just I don't know if it was the rumble

or whatever like when you're on a bus when you're young you get an erection and that's it wasn't I'm so I'm enjoying the service

of stagecoach so much I'm I'm not sure women know this or I don't know whether lads

because men don't talk to each other do we at all about like sexual stuff like that sometimes unreflection is best when i don't know whether lads because men don't talk to each other do we at all about like sexual stuff like that sometimes unreflection is best when we don't like that bit where i was like i've just done my face i do have you yes i have thanks for listening anything we think is a bit weird though we're not like telling our friends so i reckon that there's a lot of teenage lads to early 20s

who've had a boner every time they've been on a bus. They've told none of their friends, but all of their friends are in the exact same fucking boat. The little rumble on your balls gives lads a boner on a bus. If you're with teenage lads on a bus, they've all got a boner. Sorry, girls, that's just how it is. And you dealt with it.

Yeah, I mean, I dealt with it, but if there was CCTV on that stage, coach, I dealt with it, but I would, if someone had, you know, if there was CCTV on that stage, coach, I would have ended up on a sex offenders register. So, you know, you're like, you just dealt with it, Dan. You did the right thing. I'm like, not convinced.

Could you imagine being caught? Where did you put the thing? Where did you put your? What? The product. The product. I don't know. Reflection, I don't know. Where did you put your What? The product The The The

The The The The The The The The

The The The The The The The The

The The The The The The The The

The The The The The The The The

The The The The The The The The

The The The The The The The The

The The The The The The The The

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The The The The The The The The

The The The The The The The The

The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The They went and fucking splashed them Right to the driver Fucking hell the indicator's on Mate I was 21

I could just so powerfully I could turn the whole stagecoach to the left Bloody hell We're coming off at Chesterfield Fucking We're coming off of Chesterfield Disgusting You haven't jerked off in nearly 36 hours That's unprecedented How did I not remember that we had that Andrew Jones

Don't blame Andrew Jones. Don't blame Andrew Jones for that. You've just been put into a felony. Would you rather... This is another one he sent in. Would you rather have your bird laugh uncontrollably whenever he... That's very modern. Whenever she saw you... Right, sorry.

What do you mean? Because he's called Bird. Right, I don't know what's going on here. Would you rather have your bird laugh uncontrollably whenever he saw you naked? That's a typo. It's a typo. Yeah, all right.

Sorry, Andrew. We thought you were just being like... We thought you were illiterate. You're either illiterate or so woke. Yeah? I call my bird a bloke. I don't gender specify. Would you rather have your bird laugh uncontrollably

whenever she saw you naked or cry uncontrollably? It's got to be laugh. It's got to be laugh. It's pretty hard being laughed at when you're naked. Yeah, but, like, I'm a comedian. I can just, like, sort of be like, oh, she thinks I'm funny. I can just put myself in that mindset.

Like, you can't cry. I'm a comedian. I can just be like, oh, she thinks I'm funny. I can just put myself in that mindset. No. You can't cry. Crying uncontrollably is a bit much, isn't it? It's not like a tear. It's like... Like a Palestinian widow. I love her! Fucking hell.

I should put my knob away. That was such a good visual I love it I love it I mean obviously you know the trouble is in the middle east

next time oh god I hate being laughed at during sex how often does it happen it does me and

Laura make each other laugh quite a lot. This has happened several times. When we're starting out, if we make each other giggle, I've had to say, Laura, take it seriously. I'm trying to be sexy. Because, you know, you'll do something. I think it's really, once you go in, it's all like, passion. But I think sometimes, you know, in the life, it's all like, passion. But I think sometimes,

you know, in the, in the like, I'm like, let's do it. And if I, just one little voice or, and then we've got a running joke of like,

trying to make each other laugh just after sex by saying something. Like, there was a comedian called Mike Wilkinson, who lives in the, who lives in the Lake District, who I absolutely love, who told me once that, and he's the most northern lancaster you're like you're an egg yeah yeah he's so funny he told me once that he was seeing this but this woman he was dating

he's like a divorcee he's got a jack russell in a cottage he loves his life he's got a polytunnel he's an absolute massive bellend i love him and he was dating this posh woman and and she was like he was like oh yeah she's really posh cracking knocks really posh woman, and she was like, he was like, oh, yeah, she's really posh. Cracking nooks. Really posh, though. And apparently once they had sex, and at the end of it, he went, fucking hell, felt that coming up from me wellies. And she was like, from you? Coming up from what?

What do you mean, your wellies? What I mean is, love, I felt that come, come through me feet, up me legs legs into me balls out me dick and onto your fucking head so I told Laura that she was like oh my god

that's the worst thing you could say and now obviously we've done it several times like bloody hell I felt that coming up

from the wellies she's like don't say it just after you've finished don't say it like oh I'm melting doing an impression

of Mike Wilkinson he also told me once he was sleeping with this he was going out with a girl from Ireland and at once she had sex with her

and he pushed too hard and she went oh Jesus Mike you've pushed one of me flaps inside me fuck that can't be true

that sounds like such an Irish sitcom thing to say. Mrs. Brown's voice. Oh, Jesus, no. You're pushing a flare pen, can't you see me? Oh, I want to believe it, though. What was the question?

Don't know. Do you laugh uncontrollably when she saw you naked or cry? Yeah, I can... Look, like... I can deal with a laugh, Jordan, sex. I'm not trying... I'm not like you and your missus in this fucking deranged game of, like,

laugh chicken when we're boning, trying to make each other laugh. But I can deal with that a little bit. Crying uncontrollably. No, yeah, yeah. You're right. You're right. I mean, and if that's what you're into,

you need to see a fucking... I'm're into, you need to see a fucking... I'm telling you, you need to see a psychiatrist. That's not good, is it? Fucking hell. Is that the BBC News? I'm just trying to prove, yeah, that it's impossible because I'm going to... You're going to try and podcast

while I'm crying uncontrollably. Is it weird that I've got an erection right now while you're doing that? Oh, dear. If that's what turns if you like the idea of that you definitely need like psychological

assistance and that's coming from a guy who's had a wank on a fucking stage coach I can't believe you're a business

of that that better not get fucking edited out from this episode that is going on the internet it's not going to

be the twitter ad that's not the twitter ad That is going on the internet. It's not going to be the Twitter ad. That's not the Twitter ad. Would you rather... Now, these are mine, these. Okay. This one was one of mine.

Would you rather know how you die or know when you die? I think, no. They're both awful. Let's just, no, they're both awful. Let's just say that. They're both awful. Neither of these are liberating at all. There's people who think that second one,

knowing when you die, would be like, well, I've got to get everything done by Tuesday. I couldn't live with it. I think it would be so sinister to be like, April the 18th, 2043, you'd be like, huh? Fuck, you'd be working it out.

Like, that would be so sinister. And then you'd think, yeah. Imagine waking up that day and being like, and not knowing how it's coming, and just being like, right, well, it's happening today. And then trying it, you would naturally be trying to like, outrun it, wouldn't you?

Like, you'd be like, well, I'll just stay in bed all day on my own. No, I'm not answering the door. I'm not answering the phone. Jizzing on somebody else's face. But what, like, would you be trying to avoid anything that could even have any effect of killing you? Yeah, but then it's Final Destination, isn't it? It's an airplane.

An airplane? An airplane engine falls off and comes through you. You can't, if it's going to through you you can't if it's gonna happen you can't cheat it you can't cheat it yeah this is what right they've given the date

for dying but they're gonna expect me to be in so I've booked a room at the travel lodge around the corner because death will not know

where I am oh I didn't tell you this I stayed in the travel lodge on erm on Saturday night in Bridgewater in Bridgewater right it's a fucking awful day you know receptionist licked you for no reason Oh, I didn't tell you this. I stayed in a travel lodge on Saturday night in Bridgewater.

It's a fucking awful day, you know. Receptionist licked you for no reason. Hi, Adam. This is how we say hello. There's not really any hotels in the town centre. The town centre is essentially a council estate that they've put a theatre in. I'm not even messing. I walked through it and it was satisfying.

The way you're reporting on this tour show in Bridgewater, it's like you don't want to do another tour from Bridgewater. Oh, no, I do. As long as it sells out again and I make the money that I made off it, then I will go forever. But I will drive next time. I will not be staying over.

It's the first time I've stayed in one of them travel lodges on a service station. You know, it's not in the town centre. It's on a fucking motorway slip road. A travel lodge. It was like 40 quid. And I was like, bargain. Great, there's a fucking reason

for it first of all this is all true there's a prostitute in the room opposite me you know across the hall how do you know because several men turned up daniel and at the same time no one after the other all right okay and like you could the walls were thin like they weren't playing fucking monopoly i mean i'm fucking winner stays on kaplunk get out frank send david winner stays on where do we meet up for kaplunk club fucking m5 travel lodge near bridgewater um yeah the walls were really thin as well i could hear everything I was crying laughing to myself I've mentioned on this podcast before that I've almost certainly got IBS

and I have a bit of flatulence every now and then I farted so loud that I heard the woman in the room next door go what the fuck was that they must have heard me laughing because I uncontrollable And you feel like you're having a stroke

But yeah I stayed in the travel lodge Terrifying Because I was convinced like Her pimp was going to turn up and be like 50 quid Now Going back Like I just had these weird

There's something about I don't want to say fantasies Those hotels At the side of like a road i was terrified the worst one ever stayed when was a couple years ago is the cheapest room on booking.com 20 pounds a night on a saturday near doncaster it was just it was it i do it when we did the donny dome yeah it was the a1 southbound or something like that and it was next to a shell garage.

And then there was like a car park. It looked like people had been murdered there. I think it was an old, it might have been an old travel lodge, but it was, you know when someone... This was an old travel lodge. You know the room keys? Right. The keys?

Yeah, yeah. That's when you know. It's a bad sign. But it had obviously been debadged and like painted so it's not branded for anything. This is how rough this was. They had to wash some bed sheets out on a line outside the front of the reception. I've never, ever seen anything like it.

They were like, well, how else do you think we dry the sheets? In a fucking tumble dryer. It's really disconcerting. It was like, oh, this is so nasty. And it was fucking minging. You know, when you lock the door, you're like, I could die here tonight. This one wasn't even like its own building either. It was in the service station.

Like, you walked in to like, you know, like a welcome break. I think it was a moto. You walked in and in front of you was Burger King. And to the left was the travel lodge reception. Would you like the breakfast as well? Yeah, what is it? It's Burger King, and to the left was the travel lodge reception. Would you like the breakfast as well? Yeah, what is it? It's Burger King. Fuck off.

Would you? Yeah. So what's the question? No, when you die or how you die. I think not. If I knew that I was going to die in a shitty travel lodge next to a dual carriageway, I think I'd rather know. When? I think, let's be honest, look at us.

We're comedians. We're probably going to be heart disease. Chats is up. All the hotels we stay in have Burger Kings in the fucking reception. Whopper for breakfast. I think you need to know how, but they're both awful. Knowing when, waking up on fucking D-Day.

Fuck that, that's so bad but knowing how like it was like uh do you get the specifics of exactly how are you just constantly looking because if you know how you don't know when so if it's like oh no how could be worse at least with when you can set you can just get yourself in loads of debt, can't you? I've always thought that. I would rack up some credit cards. If I got a terminal diagnosis, if I got cancer or something, and they're like, look, lad, you've got a year, and it's over. The Scouse oncologist.

All right, look, lad, listen. Hey, come on, see yourself down, fuck's sake, right? The cancer is a fucker right it's stage fucking four you're done is that you're out of here lad it's fucking over

if any cancer doctor ever went you're out of here lad I'd be like I am I'm gonna get a second opinion and why are you wearing tracksuit bottoms

fucking comfy aren't they why would you want me to wear it around because I'm walking all around the fucking you want me to wear it around? Because I'm walking around a fucking hospital. I need to wear them in Ikea, Max. They're comfy, dickhead. I'm totally with. Antony.

His name's Antony. I called him Antony. Hiya. My name's Tony. I'm your oncologist. You're a fucking dumbass. What a fucking new kid you are a fucking

toast you should have gone fucking booper and this is booper is it this is booper Liverpool

yeah the NHS they're the accountables of the government they're like the booper more straight listen lad

it's fucking over yeah except it's spelled B-O-O-P-A and it's in Toxteth

and it looks like an old terrace house where someone's just fucking painted Booper yeah is this properly Booper

yeah yeah it's Booper don't mind the dog get out of the way 60 for Foxy listen lad

it's over yeah get your affairs in order got about 6 months 7 if you're lucky but yeah

just account for 6 if you get the seventh call it a bonus lad but that's it it's over I would rack up so

I'd kill myself like that's how does that work though also and I know it's wrong to find loopholes in these things

because it's just absolute bullshit but if I knew like when I was meant to die the day before that I'm going up the Empire State and jumping off and either these things because it's just absolute bullshit but if i knew like when i was meant to die the day before that i'm going up the empire state and jumping off and either i've cheated fucking death who wants to save me the next day or i've just become the only fucking guy to have survived

one of the two yeah i what the thing that you bounced off isn't gonna like it's not like oh god it's amazing wasn't it? That was massive. That trampoline that was put at the bottom of the... You're still going to be in a fucking state, aren't you? Yeah, you survive one day. I mean, he died of his injuries about 14 hours later, but... In horrific pain. If I got a terminal illness,

I'm going out like a fucking superhero, mate. Like that fucking Bill bear routine the guy who jumps out of the helicopter one of the best bits of all time i think that might be the best bit of stand-up ever oh my god personally the fact he tells it from the two perspectives yeah it's not only is it an amazing story where he manages to tell it in a way that the audience are gutted when someone isn't dead yeah and then around when he goes and he died yeah like go and check that out if you haven't checked that out we don't need anyone it's on you you you people are all the same isn't it the black and white one yeah um but it's all i think

the routine on its own is on youtube as well just google bill bear helicopter it's honestly it's top top top tier so if you've got a massive terminal illness you're racking up debt players gonna play yeah getting fucking wheelchaired around vegas vegas yeah where Top, top, top tier. So if you've got a massive terminal illness, you're racking up debt, players go and play, getting fucking wheelchaired round Vegas, how are you going to go out? You're going to go superhero. How are you going to do it? I think I'd jump off as big a building as I could get on.

Full Liverpool kit? I mean, I hadn't thought that bit through, but absolutely, yeah. Gerrard on the back. I'd shout Gerrard as well, like I'm fucking volleying up. Gerrard on the back. I'd shout Gerrard as well, like I'm fucking volleying up. Gerrard! Mate, knowing you,

you'd tweet on the way down. I would. You'd be doing a Twitter. I'd live stream it. I'd be on the top of the fucking, what's it called, the one in Dubai? The Burj Khalifa.

The Wiz Khalifa. The Wiz Khalifa. I'd be on top of the Wiz Khalifa. I'd be taking selfies going, just about to fucking do it, lads. Killing myself today. This cancer's not going to beat me. I decide when I go out.

I'm going out like... Just like to say thank you for everyone that's bought tickets to the funeral. In Bridgewater. Sold 120 tickets. A procession of hairdressers. Wouldn't that be well better with the GHDs what a legacy to leave that is

you can just be another statistic or you can be the guy who told cancer to fuck off because you jumped off the Wiz Khalifa in Dubai and live streamed himself jumping off the fucking killed four tourists

on the way down fuck them I love Malakha fuck them yeah fuck Dubai tourists yeah that was one of the weirder Fuck them. I love Malacha! Fuck them. Yeah, I fucked it by Taurus. Yeah. That was one of the weirder would-you-rathers we've attempted, innit?

So what would you pick? When or how? I'm saying I'd rather know how. I honestly think most comedians will die from heart disease. So I kind of know that already. As he finishes his fucking second can of Carabao energy drink, full sugar. And when?

It's probably about three weeks on Tuesday if I drink like I did on Saturday. I think when. I think I go when. I'd like to know and I could get my affairs in order, as in. Also, if you know when you die

and it's a definite oh christ you can start really enjoying yourself can't you i'm not doing any calorie controlled diet i'm getting right back on the beak yeah you'd be you can't die you're invincible tell that thing could you imagine no if like this was like a you went to meet someone and they were like we need to tell you when or how it's under quiz come in and we'll tell you. But we can only tell you when, it's the law. And you went, like to know when, please, mate, because then I can get all my affairs in order. And they went, erm, it's ladies' day.

You're trying to get a fucking big deal out. Lads, I'm on Blackpool Prom. I'm on Blackpool Prom. Couldn't get to Vegas. They left at two. Hello, everyone. It's Dan Nightingale, you know, from the podcast you're already listening to.

And I've got a cold now because I'm recording this little advert two days after recording with Adam and he's giving me his cold. Nice one, Led. I know we keep saying it, but just to reiterate, please do get in touch

if you've got any questions or stories you want to send us, haveawordpod at gmail.com If you've got a would you rather you'd like us to deal with, I mean ideally if it could not be about having sex with dead people, that'd be amazing. If you've got a story of one of your mates or loved ones

being a bellend and you'd like us to have a word with them, send us the story and also if you've got a belting soul jangling hangover story some grim tale walk of shame regret based narrative

send it in haveawordpod at gmail.com we appreciate you keep spreading the word you're doing a loads of work boy it's time to have a word with Adam and Dan. Is that you, by the way?

Tell us all the problems that you have with your friends. You've just come back to me on the song. Yeah, I like it. I think it's good. I'm just trying to make it so you can't edit it out. You've got the have a words. I have. Adam, you have the have a words.

Okay. How are you doing with your cold mate you fighting through I just keep having to cough off my you're really good aren't you you're a fucking pro mate

I'm a professional okay so this first one's called doggy bags and this was sent in by Mandy thanks very much

by the way to everyone who's, first of all, sending these in, because it literally does make the podcast happen, and continue to send them in to haveawirdpod at gmail.com. And one other thank you before we crack on is to say thanks to everyone who's downloaded and shared the podcast,

because we got up to number 60 this week. We're creeping closer towards that top 40. Is that the whole of itunes the comedy section yeah okay number 60 and we're so we're now the number one stand-up podcast in the uk um so stand-ups like a subsection of the comedy section on there with the num we were the number with the number one stand-up on today. And also, we have landed at number 57 on the American stand-up chart. Yeah.

Fucking mental. And we're number 60 in comedy. And comedy is by far the biggest section on iTunes. Number 60 is fucking mental. We're doing it, guys. We're doing it. Thank you so much for your support. But if we get into the top 40,

you can end up on the new and noteworthy thing. People actually scroll through the top 40 to find a new podcast to listen to so that's where we want to be so if you are listening to this one just get your mates to download even if you don't fucking listen to it just tell all your mates go to itunes now subscribe to that podcast never listen to it it'll take up hardly any memory on your phone leave a five star review also fuck you to the three people who've left four star reviews and a massive fuck you to the three people who've left four star reviews and a massive fuck you to the one person who's left a three. What the fuck

is a three star review? Why are you doing it? Go after them, Adam. The one star guys, I get that. If you're like, this is shit, I don't like these guys. Sound. If you really feel the need to get that negativity out and you need to let us know, okay, you're a fucking bellend, but go for it. We understand your life's probably shitter than ours. like your commitment yeah if you think it's shit then but

don't go to don't go out of your way to go it's okay some such a good point some some good bits some bad bits i didn't mind it i need you know what you can do to get to the internet to go find... Keep it to yourself, you fucking three-star cunt. Adam, I love how you engage with the fans. They're not fans! I don't want three-star dickheads to keep listening. Don't listen to something else. If you find out that that three-star review was posted in Bridgewater... Fuck me. Oh.

Oh, dear. They're going to... If they listen to this this I hope they do oh that'd be so funny wouldn't it I've been like I've been searching my own name

on like Instagram and Twitter to see if they like tweeted like went to see fucking Adam Rowe last night and he fucking kicked us out for talking

can you believe that we were kicked out for talking we were laughing too much shut up we were kicked out for laughing oh

what a ridiculous policy for a comedy club three stars go on let's do it Mandy Mandy you say yeah Diggs. You were kicked out for laughing. Oh, what a ridiculous policy for a comedy club. Three stars. Go on. Let's do it. Mandy. Mandy, you say. Yeah.

Hello, Adam and Dan. Really enjoying the podcast. This is a general have a word. I live next to Walton Rec, and I think that's a park. I regularly use the park. It astounds me that people will go to the trouble of buying and carrying doggy bags and picking up their dog's poo only to suspend it from a tree oh what the best is when the owner chooses to throw it on the floor or leave it on top of the bin have a weird lads so she doesn't

want us to have a way with a specific person this is the the dog shit tree dwellers of walton rec so they're back they are actually bagging it up yeah but then they're not pointing in the bag let me you know dog shitty i like the way your dog shits um they're so they are doing that they're bagging it up so they're not total animals and just letting him poo everywhere yeah like it's the olden days which were good and but then someone looked like a shitty dog poo christmas tree yeah near walton wreck is hanging it in a tree like do you know what the famous dog should say of what i'm right well everyone gathers around it So Ladies and gentlemen I hope you all brought some deodorant with you

Oh that's grim It's a new Harry Potter Harry Potter and the famous dog It comes out next year JK Rowling's really haven't scraped the barrel Harry Potter and The Look at her own name on Twitter.

So what they're doing is they're bagging the poo up and then they're tying the bag up and then they're leaving it like a Christmas tree bauble. I just... You know what's more unnerving about that is they're actually bagging it up and then being disgusting with it. So they're doing the half-decent thing, but then ruining that.

Like, if you just let your dog shit in here, you're selfish and you're gross. But then to be like, oh, wrap that up, and now I'll just leave it there, hanging in the wind. Disgusting. Fucking. Disgusting! Yeah, it's absolutely foul.

That soundboard feature was invented specifically for this. I'll be honest with you, I had to be talked into picking the dog shit up When we got our dog You haven't got a dog have you? No But if you had a dog Would you be a picker up of the shit there?

Would you do it? Part of the reason I've not got a dog I don't like picking up poo Yeah I don't like picking up poo But you've got a small dog Nice little small controllable poos You know when people have got those huge fucking Half the size of a Ford Fiesta

That'd be better Because they shit solids my dog will shit like a a really soft shit oh my god the second you touch it you yeah as the second you you touch it it becomes like it's like it's like turkish delight oh with it like moose oh yeah moose is the right word it looks solid it's got a size of a moose Moose is the right word It looks solid It's got a shape Don't fucking walk your moose around

Fucking Walton there glad Where the fuck has he got a moose from And I can tell I can tell He's got a bag for life He's got a fucking cricket bag hanging off a tree. Fucking.

What have you got a rubble bag for? Yeah. The green one. You fucking see in a minute. I just used to leave it. Oh, you nasty. I know. And I was like,

I just can't, because it knocks me, I want to throw up. Have you got a garden? You don't let poo in the garden do you yeah Adam you dirty no she poos in the garden

and I wank on stage coaches but you need to sort your life out we need to have a word with you next week about wanking on buses that was honestly that was 2002 I've changed

this is your life now is that the only time you ever did it I swear down swear down swear down swear down on my nan's life you know we're talking about hangover anxiety that's the kind of thing that if i remember when i'm hungover i'm like um yeah i used to just leave it and then jabe was like leave it where in the park wherever she is oh adam um and jabe was like you can't do it i was like it it where in the park wherever she shits oh Adam and Jade was like

you can't do it I was like it doesn't matter it's biodegradable it'll just become part of the mud because she always shits on grass

she's a good dog I know I mean not that good but she just shits on grass bowling greens Goodison Park I don't know how she got on there

she'd get a fucking game sorry all you blues i know you didn't want any fuzzy shots on this but uh don't do it don't be that guy i still want that even in you open to the gate That's like in court Where you know Like a witness is not allowed But then Some of your testimony

Means that Objection That allowed him As a rebuttal witness Overruled I want it struck off Poor fucking Everton fans The witness is an expert

And the court will hear His opinion I watched a few good men Last night Fire film What? Have you seen a few good men last night Fire film What? Have you seen a few good men? Yeah

And you're giving me shit for being old You're watching law Naval based Law court drama From 1992 But you know what I did? I streamed it I didn't go to me local blockbuster

And that's the difference You can watch old shit There's just a new way to do it like I've got no problem with you listening to Black Sheep No Diggity it was the fucking tape deck that was the problem you tit

did you when he went you can't handle the truth did you shout it out loud because I watched the Fugue of Men and it was like the whole film was just building up you can handle the truth and I was like I do love that scene.

I love the scene as well where like early on Tom Cruise is like I need the transfer order and Jack Nicholson's like you gotta ask me nicely. You can have the damn

transfer order but you gotta ask me nicely. Fucking sick. Nicholson's amazing isn't he? Is he blocking it? No. From commentary? You gotta fucking ask me nicely. What the fuck? sick. Nicholson's amazing, isn't he? Is he black in it? No. From Coventry? That fucking

hurts me nicely. You can't handle the truth. You can't handle your dog's poo, mate. You do it clean up now, you change person. Yeah, and it's only because my relationship is like a lot of relationships where

we've come into it, and I'm a fuck up and as a woman Jade feels it's her responsibility to fix me yeah that's what

women fix men yeah that's how the world works and we're on episode 8 and if you listen to all of these you're like I think there's still work to do

on these two fucking idiots so for everyone Jade and Laura. Yeah. So she goes, like I went to walk the dog out, she went, take a poo bag. And I was like, I'm not taking a fucking poo bag. I'm not picking it up. She's like, you've got to.

And I was like, this is why you can't argue with my missus. She looks into everything. She's right. You can't win an argument when someone knows what they're talking about. And they've got facts. Most of my friends just believe what they believe with no evidence, blindly. You can argue with those people because you believe what you believe and you can convince them that you're right.

That's how I've lived my entire life, arguing with people who know just as little as I do. Yes. And whoever's the loudest wins. My missus, she's got got evidence she's got case studies so she's like you've got to pick it up because they actually carry diseases and how would you feel no but how would you feel right and i think about it like i know i know exactly where the argument is always the same go if if someone else has left their poo and mini sniffed it and got

really sick all right like you'd feel horrible wouldn't you because our dog would be having a really bad time you're doing that to someone else's dog and even though you don't see it that might actually happen to someone else's dog like someone's life could be torn up what if it's a little old lady and all she's got now frank's dead his son doesn't talk to her all she's got is the poodle and now the poodle's sick and the poodle's dying. Everyone was certain that the poodle was going to outlive her. Just because Adam Rowe didn't use a poo bag? It's all she's got.

And it's just because you can't be bothered with a bit of smelly poo just being picked up. You don't even need to touch it. You just use it like a glove and turn it inside out. It's like a moose, Jade. It's like a moose. It doesn't matter. Like, what about this poor old woman whose dog is now going to die?

Because you don't want to do this. And, yeah, she's won. So, I have to pick it up. I thought you were going to do what everyone does like. What if a child gets that poo in their eye and then they go blind? Good. You're like, what child is rubbing dog poo in their eye? It just means that there's less competition for my future children

when it comes to the job market. Jesus Christ. Hey, if you don't start cleaning up the poo from your back garden, you're going to have blind kids anyway, aren't you? We do clean up the poo in the back garden. She's just allowed to pee out there. Right.

Oh, right, right, right. And then once a week, we bag it all up and we take it to Walton Breck and hang it in a tree. We wish you a merry ship-meth. We wish you a merry ship-meth. We wish you a merry shipmas we wish you a merry shipmas

we wish you a merry shipmas and a shitty new tree what's that fucking moose doing over there nice one Mandy we're on your side yeah if you

if you if you are a dog owner then yeah thanks to my missus I can tell you you should be picking up your dog poo

I actually think it's quite funny that you're hanging it on the tree it's fucking disgusting not arsed I think it's funny I think you're hanging it on the tree. It's fucking disgusting. Not asked. I think it's funny.

I think if there was one... With a magic tree air freshener next to it. That would become a tourist attraction. If there was a tree just full of dog shit bags. Like, imagine when it's, like, in awesome, when all the leaves fall off and there's just a lot of... It'd be fucking amazing. Keep doing it.

Fuck you, Mandy. I feel sorry for the bird that fucking doesn't quite understand which tree it's landing in. It's like a pigeon. Nice one, Mandy. Thank you. Who's our tune? What tune are we dropping?

If you'd like us to, if you want to be the song that we play out the podcast on, send it in to at haveawordpod. Get in touch with us. Or just send us an MP3 file and anything you want to plug to haveawordpod at gmail.com. If you could give it a share on your socials, we will play you out at the end of the podcast.

Okay. So this week's tune is from a band called How Many. They're a Scouse band. If you want to go to Twitter, they are How Many Official. And Instagram is also How Many Official. Facebook is just simply How Many with a question mark after it. And this is their song, Grey Day. Thanks for sending it in, lads.

We really appreciate it. This is Grey Day by How Many. Nice one. See you next week. But she still thinks twice I'm no better I'm just a clutch of the latter And you're the pretender I spoke to your mum She said you ain't got a life Cause you're falling out of bed again

And you're turning off the lights I'm no better I'm just a change in the weather And you're the pretender Please don't forget me Please don't forget me So let's fall, fall, fall Into something new

But don't you dare make out That I ever loved you Cause I prefer my girlfriend I prefer a wall, and I told you not to take a fall, but I still broke your fall. She said don't think twice, my love it's alright Did you just quote Bob Dylan? Stop trying to impress me And he's just turned 30, and he makes you feel dirty And it's just gone midnight again

Just take my hand, and set him on fire Use the petrol bombs, left over from the riots And he's just turned 30 thirty and he makes you feel dirty And it's just gone midnight again Please don't forget me Oh, please don't forget me So let's fall, fall, fall into something new But don't you dare make out that I ever loved you

Cause I prefer my girlfriend, I prefer a wolf And I told you not to take a fall, but I still broke your fall so We'll see you next time. I'm free.