Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #80 with Steph Johnson - IN STUDIO - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: August 10, 2020

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Oh, Jesus. Show me muscle again. Oh, Hercules, Hercules. How are you so dark? This is your ally. Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? Don't chat to me.

I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Disgusting. Follow us on social media at Havawadpod. And don't forget to watch our very funny podcast videos on YouTube. Ja! They go by Alan and Dave, Aaron and Dean, Grandad and the Yeti, or even Chanel and Denise. But what's for sure is they are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Down your tub or shandy and tell a friend. This is Have a Wad. oh it's time for part one with Adam and Dan.

We've already done the part with a guest, but we're doing this in post, and that's okay because she needed childcare. It does feel weird to be like, yeah, this is the first bit, but we've already done the second bit. It's great, wasn't it? So we know what's coming up for everyone, bit it's great wasn't it so we know

what's coming up for everyone it's going to be dead good yeah second half of the episode is going to be great let's just try

and make this bit acceptable okay just want to be solid Steph Johnson did a lot of the work now let's just put in a steady show

our guest today is Steph Johnson aka Scousebird Probs aka Scousebird Blogs if you don't know who she is she is a Liverpool blogger influencer

a good mate of mine and she was very excited to come in and do an episode with us so we got her along and it was dead dead good fun she's great she's absolutely brilliant are you not hot?

I'm worried about your general heat I am very hot but you can the the gym shirt I've got on underneath this. Not right. It just, me tits are peruding.

Peruding? Like, peruding, like they're. Wow. My ample bosom. It's less ample these days since you've lost that weight. It is, but in this shirt, I'll show you. Are you going to get your tits out? Oh, hang on.

Oh, hello. Ooh, it's, hang on. Oh, hello. Ooh, it's a nice design. Nike, chip. You see what I mean? It's just... It's a little bit too titty. Yeah. I've done it now, so...

You feel better for it? Do I feel better? Yeah. Oh, do you know, this is how... Oh, my God. Are this is how... Oh my God. Are we going to bang? Okay. You know, I am that mental that seeing someone

and I think they look hot makes me feel hot. That's what was, you know, not sexy hot. Why? Temperature hot. Because I'm warm. It's a warm day today. Warm day. It's a warm day.

Also, I've lost two and a half stone, and I'm feeling sexy. George, really annoying. Like, I've now got to the point with my weight loss that I've lost two and a half stone, like, a week ago, and I haven't weighed myself for a week, and I sort of forget that I've been dieting,

even though I'm still sort of dieting. Yeah. So, I'm not like, oh my God, I'm not comparing myself to when i was two and a half stone heavier anymore yeah so i'm now looking in the mirror again and just seeing a big fat twat do you know what i mean i'm looking again now and i'm like no do you know what you have lost two and a half stone but there is still work to be done well that's know, that's the start of bulimia, isn't it? That could be.

I'm never throwing up my dinner. No, but when do you want us to do a little warning? Just tell me at what weight, at what level of gaunt you want me and producer Sensei Carl to step in and be like, Adam, Twiggy, that's enough. Have a fucking bag of chips. What are you clocking in at now? What are you fighting at now? that's enough. Have a fucking bag of chips. Um, what are you clocking in at now? What are you fighting at now?

If I look like, if I look like my teeth are in danger. Oh yeah. You know when someone gets like so thin, it looks like the teeth can't fit in the fucking head. Yeah. When the teeth are the fattest thing about them.

Then yeah, that's probably before that though, isn't it? You never want to get to that stage. No. That's heroin, isn't it? Is that heroin? Oh no, heroin. If you ever go on these days where we do the long day, if you ever order a KFC and I whip a salad out.

That's it. Yeah, that's going too far. Like I brought a sandwich today. That's okay. Bring in a bit of pasta, maybe a curry I've made at home so I know the exact calories in. I can do that and go, I'm not having a KFC, it's bad for you. But if I ever whip out, you know, a bag of fucking baby leaf

with a fucking chicken fillet. Some things have gone wrong. Yeah, that's not me. That's like a skinny cry for help. Yeah. I might start spiking that salad with, like, you know, I don't know what happened my face then i got a twitch i think it was because i was about to talk about crisps i might like you know

like ready salted squares i love squares it's my favorite crisp just and you'll be like oh god that was a crunchy bit of salad i'm not salty stupid oh yeah sauce i don't think i'm gonna have a fucking bag of crisps and be like oh this lettuce is lovely I lost weight when I was clubbing back in the day and I went back for Christmas

I hadn't been back Seals one of the leading comedians in the UK Adam Rowe and my sister you know your family

just don't filter it your head looks too big for your body and I I think that was the bit I started eating a bit more I do have that problem if I ever got really thin I would look like a Bratz doll

like a World War 9 because this is all bone do you know what I mean this is all structure like a fucking staffy like a staff pup you know before it's filled out

you know in Harry Potter when there's that three headed one fluffy I don't think that was a staff that was a staff wasn't it was it stuff-esque

fluffy yeah yeah fluffy yeah fluffy was a three headed staff google what breed was fluffy it's definite that though innit yeah it was definite that's what your head would look like

too much head for your body. Wouldn't it have been scarier, though, in Harry Potter? Like, better, more intimidating, if that was just three massive chihuahua heads. You know, like the little bitey ones. Those ones. Staffs are quite gentle.

Like, they're seen as, like, this bullish dog. Staff a chibolte, yeah. Really? Wouldn't it be scarier, though, if it was a chihuahua? I accept your apology. No. No, I don't think so would you rather fight a giant staff or a giant chihuahua a giant chihuahua no chihuahuas are fucking bitey cunts mate yeah to be fair if they're massive like a jack dog ate him at the minute jack russell's a nippy but if they're fucking 16 foot it's gonna be a big

nip in it my my dog's really weird with him you know because he's just moved home he's never met my dog until like this last week we've only had mini for like a year we got him about we got it about a week or two before you went away did you get your dog to deal with the grief of losing your best mate to japan oh by the way if you've not listened before our producer call sensei carl is just back from japan it's adam's bezo it's this lived on a mountain the mic's too close to me so i couldn't do it i basically did a pizza a pizza hot a pizza hot yo sushi yo sushi and a pizza hot a salad a salad four kfc's and a salad

right um what did you get a dog because you missed your bezo i refuse to answer on the A salad, a salad. Four KFCs and a salad. Did you get a dog because you missed your bezo? I refuse to answer on the grounds I may incriminate myself. You little sweetie. And now you're picking up his poo now. But he's come round to ours a few times since he got back. And the first time he came, the dog was like, you are not coming in my fucking house. Get out this house.

Get away from my fucking dad. And then the second time he came round she was a bit like not happy about this especially because Jade was there the second time and she's really protective of Jade it's only a little fucking rat thing right like yeah go nowhere near my mum or me dad

and then the last time I took him barked a little bit when he come in and then started licking him like kissing his hand like no I'll let you be here you're alright you're with me dad you're being dead sound.

And then he stood up, and he went to go and get his car keys from the dining area table. It's not a room. We haven't got a dining room. We've got a fucking table at the back of the living room. Here is the dining area. Slash kitchen. You can lean over to it from the fucking couch.

Have I told you my dog's got her own bedroom? Yeah. Under the stairs. Yeah. So she thought he was going towards the bedroom and fuck me, you'd have thought he was trying to fucking bum me. Wow. Wow. Just because you were heading towards the

store right in front of her dinner. To be fair, you are a weirdly big cunt. That's honestly... I know we're meant to be like, oh, dogs. But if you stood up too quickly on me, I'd be freaked out. You look like you're not as tall as you definitely are. You're one of them people when you stand up, you're like... No, it's the other way around, you know.

He looks taller than he is. He thought he was fucking six foot. When you went to the toilet before, when Steph was here, you know, before the episode, he is. He thought he was fucking six foot. When you went to the toilet before, when Steph was here, you know, before the episode, he was saying, oh, I'm 5'11",

so you might want to judge the height of the camera for Steph based on that. Steph was like, I'm 5'9", she's taller than him. Steph's 6'4". He's 5'8",

and he's just been lying on his fucking... He's one of them that in my head, I've not seen Carl for a while, he's been in Japan, you know, Adam's been upset started a podcast with me

just to get over the grief but the other day when you were studying I was like I nearly said have you grown? like and in my head

I'm like no the growth spares at 28 because he's 28 in my I know you're like I'm older than you guys but you're not that way hey tell you what lad

you've grown you've thickened out haven't you? I'm a bit wider than last time you're not that way. Hey, tell you what, lad. You've grown. You've thickened out, haven't you? I'm a bit wider than last time we saw. Probably. You saw me. Oh, hey, babe. Honestly, we're all a bit software, aren't we?

Noodles, put weight on you. We're all a bit software. Is there fat Japanese people? Genuinely, one of the biggest things I've noticed since being home is how many fat people live in this country. Sorry if you're fat and listening, but genuinely in Japan... I'm fat and listening, go on. It's

very rare. They kill them. Yeah. Well, I've noticed, like, in films and that, you never see a fat Japanese fella unless he's wrestling. It's true. Yeah, there is one exception in there. You know that national sport that they're quite big on? But do they put that weight on for the Olympics?

Are they walking around for four years, fucking ripped, and then it's Olympic time, and they're like, guys. By the way, it's never been an Olympic event. Sumo wrestling? Until this year. Yes, it has. You've had that conversation on the pod.

We've had it on the pod. It's never been a... Like, Japan competing for the sumo gold medal is fucking ridiculous. It's like the UK or basically the West Country trying to get Morris dancing in the Olympics. All right, lads, I think the British team's pretty good. Quite diverse.

Two lads from Yeovil, one from Exeter. A ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding. It cost... It was like a... You know when the Olympics is in somewhere like Japan, they're like, all right, you can have that. One from Exeter. A ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding. It cost... The only... It was like a... You know when the Olympics is in somewhere like Japan? They're like, alright, you can have that. You know.

Give yourself one nonce sport. I've seen sumo wrestling in the Olympics before. Basketball's in the Olympics. That's just for the Americans, isn't it? No, played all around the world. Yeah, but... Come on. Basketball is Japan's second most popular sport.

And did they ever win the Olympics? No. The Americans, trouncy. That's the same as sumo wrestling. I bet you there's someone in fucking Nepal who's sick of sumo wrestling. But he's not winning gold, is he? No.

No, it's just... But it's not an Olympics. It's more a professional sport. I think you're getting a bit whipped up by the Olympics. Sumo is like their Champions League, isn't it? They are so big on it. It's huge. They don't have footy in the Olympics, do they?

Oh, snap. They do. You need to get over the Olympics. Sumo is like a professional sport in Japan. It's big time. It's like, I'm not mental. It's like boxing, isn't it? Yeah.

Sumo to them is... But you keep naming things that are in the Olympics as examples of why it's not in the olympics adam we've taken listen we google this for us fucking hell it's like it's literally about being on rogan in it jamie pull this shit we just soon when was sumo inducted into the olympics last year for this year it wasn't in olympics last year yeah but it would have been inducted as such a nonce go on Carl

what have you got Carl's pulling up the info now but it is away from the olympics there's a big money thing isn't it see it says

no olympics no pad olympics which yeah you can't have you can't have pad olympics in sumo wrestling

why Dan You can't have... You can't have Paralympian sumo wrestling. Why, Dan? Wow. Wow. What? That'd be a lot. Wouldn't it? Like a robot was. I nearly didn't say it I thought there was a little pause

I thought there was a little pause Oh my god I tell you what I don't know This lad This lad that's in Paralympic Fucking Sumo He's fucking cheating He's got a really heavy wheelchair God. I tell you what, I don't know. This lad that's in Paralympic fucking sumo,

he's fucking cheating. He's got a really heavy wheelchair. Fucking loved Robot Wars. Like a Hummer. Like a Hummer with just a disabled lad on the top of it. Yeah, yeah, this is my wheelchair. Was Robot Wars a thing in your era? Fuck off.

What? We were dealing... Why are you talking at me like that? I'm 39. You're looking at me like that? I'm 39. You're looking at me like, could you deal with robot wars? You know, when the Spanish Armada was happening. You've got to watch out for that.

Was it a thing? Yes, mate! My generation invented robot wars! Okay. Wooden. Well, that's what I was about to say. I built a robot. I was begging me dad to try and let me go on it.

Do you know what I've done? This is God's house. I got a remote control car, put a cardboard box on it, and shoved a steak knife through the front. Oh, my God. Robot Wars Liverpool. She's driving around the living room

like, fucking pack that in. You're going to cut someone's ankle open. Yeah. Good at what? What was your name? Night Hawk.

Night Hawk. You made it sound like a fucking gladiator. Yeah. Nighthawk You made it sound like a fucking gladiator Yeah Nighthawk What was the special move? Stabiram I couldn't really I had

You know me My engineering skills were not at a level to be Like spinning anything Was the knife sellotaped on? No it was stuck through the cardboard So it was stuck in the cardboard You know what I mean? Yeah Like the handle was within the cardboard, so it was stuck in the cardboard, you know what I mean? Yeah.

Like, the handle was within the cardboard still. I did have three knives on it eventually. First draft was just one out the front, and then my dad was like, you fuck from the sides there, so... Wow. And they didn't accept... Did you send it in?

Did you... How did you apply for Robot Wars? You used to have to ring them up. Old school. Ring them up and go, Hello! Robot Wars! I actually did really want to go on it,

and then my grandad, who was an electrician, was like, I'll build one with you, and I think we got like 5% into doing it, and then I got bored and never did it again. And you chopped his foot off. No, we didn't use the knife one with my grandad. He was actually going to really build one. He was into it

Like his grandson wanted to do something with him He was made up And then I got bored But yeah And it's sad that that didn't happen Nighthawk Nighthawk I can't remember what we're talking about

Sumo Paralympics We're talking about sumo Sumo wrestler Genuine question And I know I know I know what we're on about

And I know what we're talking about Nope What? Nope What? I'm putting that thought back in my head No you can't do that No but genuinely

Say Is the Paralympic Boxing Because boxing is an Olympic sport Always has been is the Paralympic boxing, because boxing is an Olympic sport, always has been, is there Paralympic boxing? I always got confused by the Paralympics, because... Why are you looking at me like I'm about to end my own career?

I know, because you gave me that exact look, exactly, and that literally part of the reason I went, nope, nothing, because a thought popped in my head. Is there Par that's literally part of the reason I went, nope, not the thing. Because a thought popped in my head. Is there Paralympic boxing? There is Paralympic boxing. So, you know, are the disabilities scaled in the Paralympics?

I've never watched it. Like, I just, I've never understood, like, if you're like a sprinter, if you're 100 metres, is everyone in the final, like, got the same disability? There are, now, I am talking out of fucking turn so someone will be

watching or listening going guys what are you on about but I think it's like you know you know when you know that's probably not the right analogy to use you know when you're buying a second hand car and there's like and there's like

cat C and cat D I think that's how it works I think it's a bit like that like so there's like so there's like we're playing like

fear for each other's career tennis like so there's like disabled proper disabled and proper proper disabled fucking hell lad well done for being here

disabled get the gloves off him give him a fucking bronze for turning up proper disabled and proper, proper disabled. Fucking hell, lad. Well done for being a disabled. Get the gloves off him. Give him a fucking bronze for turning up. But like, so like they have like boxing for the disabled boxing

for the proper disabled boxing for the, oh shit. Listen, a cat B can't fight a cat D. That is not, even,

I don't know boxing but I know that you can't be like, yeah, I was born with two two toes missing and then someone's rolling in like i am looking forward to this boxing match and this guy's there and he's a six foot four heavyweight he's like i don't bounce so good on my right foot you know because the toes missing i'm just a cat, eh? And he's like, I'm a cat. The thing is, though, you know the cat, eh?

What's the lowest rank of impairment that means you can go in the Paralympics? Because if you've got a little finger missing, do you go in the Paralympics, or is it just fucking tough luck, lad? You're a boxer, you go in the proper one. No, you're just a stupid kid that stuck your finger somewhere, innit?

Exactly, but I'm wondering where the proper one. No, you're just a stupid kid that stuck your finger somewhere, innit? Exactly. But I'm wondering where he would go. Where? Him? Yeah, so if he's just got a minor thing, if someone's like... No, no, there isn't an Olympics. There isn't an Olympics for kids who are dickheads. No, what I'm saying is,

you know, like, who's here to make Tyson bite? Evander Holyfield. Right, did he go in the Paralympics next time? Or was he still... Could you imagine if a bandit... Because your ears are for balancing, and I imagine that's important.

Not the outer bit. It says here there's 10 eligible impairments. Yeah, but having a bit of your ear missing isn't one, is it? Missing ears, not one. You know, because you don't get a blue disabled badge for having a bit of your ear missing. I had a piercing go wrong. Can I have a blue badge? I need to park right next to Tesco's. Do you have to have a blue disabled badge for having a bit of your ear missing i had a piercing go wrong can i have a blue badge i need to park right next to tesco's you have to have a blue badge is that like is it

the same sort of you have to be disabled you have to be blue badge go on tell us what they are well there's physical vision or intellectual intellectual impairments so there's limb deficiency i'm a paralympian i made it granddad i can't see properly and i'm a Paralympian! I made it, Grandad! I was telling you properly and I'm a fucking dickhead! Yeah, you can't like... If you're colourblind, you're not fine. Am I colourblind?

Oh, right. We'll get you in the Olympics and you can fight a paraplegic. Hero. God, let's paint you a fucking postbox. What? Go on, what's the categories?

Length difference. Short stature he's my height just looks like he should be smaller go on muscle tension problems do you know when you read it all out it's just a list of really sad things in it you know i was having such a good time and then as carl read out a list of all the struggles loads of people have around the world i was like oh bless him well you're right there is classifications though yeah yeah it's not cat c and cat d is it what it's not like prisons no because every time i say cat d do you think of it is the same thing

as prisons though innit like you're not going to put a murderer in with someone who fucking he's fucking right who like used

your contact list when you weren't looking yeah but you're comparing sale people to murderers there aren't you so yeah but like

comparing them to criminals of all kinds but you know like yeah yeah a guy who kills and bums ten people

I mean that's not a crime. In my head, I was thinking of a really bad criminal. On the charge of killing and bumming one person, it's two separate counts. Hey, killing's one thing, lad. Don't fucking bum him afterwards. Give him some dignity. Depends whether you've done it to the same person, though, don't you?

Oh, yeah. It'd be a fucking massive coincidence if you got bummed and killed in the same day by two different people. That's a shit Tuesday, isn't it? It's a bad Saturday. Never mind Tuesday.

But yeah, he's not in with someone who's done like male fraud or something. Yeah. Each sport's got its own classification there's hundreds like there's yeah of course of course it's not one broad stroke of like well you're okay because like you know like if you can't use your legs but you're shit hot at canoeing are you even a paralympian if? You'd be boss of darts. Do you know what I mean?

Because canoeing, you sat down. That made sense in my head. Does it not make sense? So because you sat down and your legs aren't really part of it, you're saying you should be in there. Well, canoeing, you're just literally like, you're not even allowed to. That's what the teachers say.

That's the last one. Do you remember? We used to go kayaking every like Thursday have I told you about this the McDonald's thing go on every Thursday you've told me so many things

in seven months so if you've heard this before soz but we used to go as part of our Duke of Edinburgh every week on like a Wednesday or a Thursday whenever it was

we'd go to the Albert Dock and they have like a kayaking centre and we'd go kayaking and whatever and at the time I worked in the mersey in the docks yeah not in the in the actual river just in like the dock like yeah you're going past revolution and baby blue just having a little fucking hen do falling in don't worry i'll canoe over to you um and i i worked in the mcdonald's on the Dock Road at the time. Yeah.

And it was like the period where the Monopoly was on. So what would happen is on a Saturday, right, I'd be in work, and people would come in and be like, I've won a free double cheeseburger, I've won a Big Mac, I've won a Coke, I've won a fries. And when you worked there, you were meant to put them in the bin, little winning tickets. I'd just fucking stash them all.

I'd wear pants that had pockets in. Maccies uniform, they purposely don't let you have pockets so you can't be robbing chicken nuggets in that for your break are they worried about the actual nuggets or about the monopoly they're worried about everything it's a completely pocketless uniform but they are just black pants

so I'd just wear black pants that had a little sneaky pocket in when monopoly was on and I would take about fucking a hundred things, kayaking on the Wednesday, and then we'd leave, and we'd be in the school bus, and the teacher knew what we were doing. He'd pull up in the Mackey's car park, I'd stay in the van, and just send all of these in, and he'd go in every week

and be like, can I have seven Big Macs, four fries and two Cokes? And then me mate Rhys would be behind him, and he'd have more, and Josh would have more. And then we'd send one person and he'd get all the McFlurries, like 18 McFlurries for all the kids. And we'd just get a fucking massive big scran from Maccy's for fuck all every week. Fucking amazing.

Proper criminal conspiracy. Duke of Edinburgh, wasn't it? Yeah, Duke of Edinburgh. Did you get any sort of special commendation on Duke of Edinburgh for being a fucking conniving little bastard he's special we got our award

we literally went to Freshies Beach yeah and went kayaking and then fucked it off if you're not from the UK when people go I was doing the

Duke of Edinburgh we're not talking about Prince Philip there's a weird outdoor noncy qualification badge that people got sort of like outdoor activity extracurricular activity it's for all the cool kids they really love it the cool kids love d of e it's basically when you go to sixth form

or if you're in america like is that college sixth form um it's like no it's non-academic stuff that you can get an extra thing but you don't have to do it but you get to go on expenses at college, sixth form. It's like, it's non-academic stuff that you can get an extra thing, but you don't have to do it. But you get to go on expenses paid trips to, you know, climbing up mountains, climbing up hills, whatever. And one of the things we used to do

was go kayaking. But we never actually finished the course. We just went kayaking every week for like six months. We were only meant to do that for like two weeks, weren't we? Was it good? Boss.

Every time we see those lads since we go we should go kayaking again all of us just once and it's one of the things you talk about

but you never do I went to a wedding in the Lake District once and I was really hungover the next day and everyone went out and did some kayaking on a hangover

and I watched them and I'd watched them for ages and they were like frolicking and I just felt ill and they were like one of them came up and was like oh the water's so refreshing and I was like oh shit I should do

it I was like arguing myself and then I just I want to do it and then they all got out and stopped and it's one of my big regrets that I should have done that should have got in the you've never been should have been in Lake Coniston hung over the water hitting you I would not want to get in the Albert Dock in Liverpool and do it. Next to the fucking yellow submarine and like... You can get stuck upside down for a sec as well. In fact, one of the lessons was purposefully doing it. So you had to barrel roll your heads under the water and you had to tap three times on the bottom of your boat.

Oh, no. And then swing yourself and get back up. Did you just say, what about sharks? Well, what about... You don't know that there can't be sharks there There's not sharks in the Albert Dach There are Tuna fish

Big fucking Charlie Tuna Roots manoeuvre Can I just say When people say There are no sharks here There are no sharks there You don't know No we don't know

But do you know why? They can get there All the roads are open What are the roads Rivers Seas There's no fucking Border patrol

Is there I'm not being a dick One shot One shot Could get lost And be like Fucking hell It's a bit chilly up here

Yeah Well there was A couple of weeks ago You know like when Lockdown happened And all like the emissions And everything And it was changing

There was dolphins In the Mersey A couple of months ago i don't know if you're being serious i am a hundred you're definitely being serious there was dolphins in the river mersey so the start of lockdown you know when nature was healing and there was like fucking sheep walking through wales and all that there was dolphins in the mersey like sheep walking sheep haven't been seen in Wales for tens of thousands of years. How do you know

that a shark, if a dolphin's having a fuck around on the Mersey, how is a shark not just coming out at a look? It's not that it can't happen.

It's that you're hedging your bets, aren't you? Do you know what? I'd go to Go Eap and get me a forest because I'm pretty sure there's not going to be a fucking brown bear there, but it might happen. So this is my thing with Delamere Forest and the brown bear.

I get the reasoning, but that brown bear has had to hide away in a container of some sort of trawler or massive container ship, come over from North America, get out at a port like Liverpool or Portsmouth, then get to Delamere Forest using what? I don't know, hitchhiking?

I don't know how bears would do it, public transport. A shark can just fucking swim from where it was swimming to the Mersey, and I'd be the dickhead. We're going to do the upside-down kayak now, okay? Dan Nightingale, are you ready? Yes, sir! I'm ready to flip. They'd flip me over, and my fucking we're going to do the upside down kayak now. Okay, Dan Nightingale, you ready? Yes, sir. I'm ready.

How do you know? They'd flip me over and my fucking head's gone because the sharks bit it off. How do you know that there's not a brown bear in Delamere Forest that's just been hibernating for fucking ages? Right, yeah. Okay, good. Good point. And dinosaurs. Dinosaurs?

Could be a T-Rex. Yeah. But isn't. Yeah. But do you understand what I mean? If you're scared of sharks or underwater things that's some serious shit

underwater things fish yeah fucking sea monsters jellyfish I I know we're sort of doing a comedy podcast

and you're sort of all like oh it's jokesy jokesy there could be a shark in the Albert Dock there could be I mean you're far more likely to get fucking

squatted by a woman from Wrexham on a hen do, but... I'm willing to take the risk that there isn't in order to have the fun of kayaking. Yeah. Like, there could also be. When you get on a plane. Snakes? Yeah, that's where my head went.

There could be venomous snakes on the plane. Snakes on the motherfucking plane? There could be snakes on the plane. There could be. There could be. Dead easily as well.. Snakes on the motherfucking plane? There could be snakes on the plane. There could be. There could be. Dead easily as well. Spiders could be in the fucking fruit thing at Asda. That's happened before, hasn't it?

Yeah. Where they fucking roll on a banana, and they're like... Here's my point. There's people who check planes, and they're looking for what? Terrorism, sweetie rappers, and snakes. Oh, okay. So they're looking around. If they see a snake

They're going to be like There's a fucking snake there Better get that snake off Cancel the flight I don't know Yeah Spiders in the Tesco Yeah

I can see I'm reaching in I can see There have been spiders I cannot see Under the water Anywhere It's freaky

There have been venomous spiders On the fruit in England More times Than there have been sharks In the Albert Dach What were you asked about sharks? I'm terrified of the water on the fruit in England more times than there have been sharks in the Albert Dock. What have you asked about sharks? I'm terrified of the water.

Yes, Carl. Doesn't get a wash. Why is he growing so much? I'm terrified of water. Open water you don't like? Yeah, like the doctor. You don't mind the bats? No.

You'll go on a water slide? Yeah, I don't. I'm fine with water But I mean like Deep water Like the sea Or like a big lake Or Albert Dock It scares me

The Albert Dock Yeah I couldn't jump in I did jump in Because I was with the boys But I couldn't do it now You're not meant to jump in You are meant to jump in There's signs saying

Don't jump in Yeah in Not in this bit This bit there's signs saying Go ahead lad Go Get in there It's just

It's a sign like that And it get in there it's a sign like that and it says go ahead lad knock yourself out but don't knock yourself out knock yourself

out in brackets figure of speech we should do a fears challenge you know we were talking about the 100 episodes coming up to 100

episodes we should do a fear challenge I'm not going to Alton Towers oh my god I'd love you to it'll be horrible I'd love you to It'll be horrible

I'd love to see you do a little bit of wee on the teacups I can do the teacups It's the fucking wazzy ones I don't like Do you think You know we talked about swimming with dolphins and everything Do you think for a podcast They'd let a 39 year old bellend swim with sharks Where would we do that

Mozambique Sea Life Centre? I don't think you can just get in the pool at Sea Whale, the Cheshire Oaks. Do it in the dark. What are you scared of, like, locally? What do you mean? Out of the water?

Yeah. You just mean general fears? Yeah. Oh. I'm not going on Nemesis in the Albuquerque. Well, you mean what are your realistic fears? Yeah, what could we do for your fear? Heights do make me a bit jittery.

We went to Blackpool Tower a couple of years ago. They've got a glass floor. I can feel it in my bum hole. Right, but we were with My at the time One and a half year old child Can you see what I'm doing? I've like

I've tied myself to the chair I can't Right So you're at the top of the Blackpool Tower Fucking not And there is a glass floor And you can see all the way down

And I was like Oh And Laura's like Are you feeling that weirded out? I'm like yeah Because there was only about Half a dozen of us It's quite a big space put etta on the floor and she just walked out onto the onto the glass floor and she was looking at us like yay we're in a room and i was looking at the most important thing in my existence ever through a floor that

she was on top of onto the whole of blackpool in the ground i was like laura pick her the fuck up it was freaking me out and it was just her going etta was like she was looking but she was so young she was like i don't know where the fuck i am does that freak you out i i can't i feel sick oh god sometimes he loves rinsing me and i and i like being rinsed i like rinsing each other but i also love it when we make this connection of like yes mate i am it's horrible isn't it about sort of you know you're not gonna fall through it's 10 15 years ago now me my cousins went to like i can't remember where it was i don't know whether it was like new brighton or blackpool

so it was somewhere with like a fair thing might Might have been like we were camping in Wales or somewhere. And there was like a haunted house, right? But it was like not a children's one. It was for sort of teens and adults. So it was scarier than your average, I've got a mask on. It wasn't like that. There was a few things that scared the shit out of me.

And one of the rooms you walked in, and it was almost pitch black, but the floor was like a TV screen, and it looked just like wood or like plastic on your floor. And then literally it played a video of it opening up. And I jumped and held the floor i dropped and went and i i let out a noise that is acceptable out of a banshee or a five-year-old girl who's being abducted like i was like

what how old were you at the time? Like early teens, mid teens. That's a good way to lose some kudos at school. And it, I was with my cousins luckily, and they all just laughed and they bring it up every now and then. Still,

still 15, 20 years later. Yeah. Oh my God. Do you know that instinct though? It's to make sense, doesn't it? It makes sense because you, you're not meant to be that high up.

That's why people stick on those VR goggles and then something happens and the person who's leading the VR session has to grab them because they're like, you're in the fucking zone. So your brain tells you, like, this isn't good. Fucking terrifying. But you knew you were in a room but it was high up

so it could have been a big ah right okay so like it was a haunted house that was like four stories high it was tall as fuck it wasn't just two or three it was at least four might have been five and it did this when you knew you'd been up like four flights of stairs so we were on the top floor so if we're doing yeah that's freaking you out just talking about it now tell me about asian people what about them i know you fear about them talk me through them i just think you were meant to go hey you're not meant to start explaining i just think they're up to something i don't know what what it is. I've got no proof yet. No, all joking aside, that's not how he feels.

But about Russians, that's exactly how I feel. You feel like Russia's up to something? Fucking horrible. And I can say it because they're white. What you said, risky. How would you react if, you know, like we've got a Patreon page. Why not plug it now? If you love this podcast and you want an extra episode every single week, you can go to patreon.com slash have a word pod.

You know, we get an email saying you have a new patron and it shows that email. What would you do if it come up? You have a new five pound patron

v.putin at gmail.com. That'd be so Vlad, wouldn't it? Yeah. For not going to the 10 pounds? Yeah. But he's got a bit of money

He's not going to the £10 He's a de facto fucking He's probably lost more money From the coronavirus Than me and you So fair enough He's tightening his belt Well he's tightening his belt

Yeah Over the whole of the fucking Crime here He Yeah Not good Not good It'd be weird wouldn't it

Yeah Trump You're right It would be weird Although he's ahead, I'm fucking up for that. I'd love him to be a patron. He better be a tenor, though. He's a billionaire, isn't he? No, I'd rather Putin was a patron. Would you?

Yeah, Trump's just going to be a daft old cunt doing nothing in November. But he can't do anything. He can barely speak. Vladimir Putin could be gathering information for war. Mate, who do we want onside long term? Vladimir Putin has just changed the constitution of russia so he can now be in power for another 10 years he's so in power this is a democracy you've got an elector president and a prime minister and there was a rule within the constitution that

said you can only do it for two terms so he fake stepped down put medvedev as the president and went mate you're the president are you fuck you do what i'm told became the prime minister for four years and now got re-elected as president and now he's changed the rule he's going to be the president of russia forever they're they're they're fucking drugs cheats sochi they are spies they're poisoning people they're scary as fuck i want him as a patron, I want him on side I don't think any of that's true And I really like Putin I like Russia

And if you message me I'll give you Dan's address He knows my address Vladimir Putin is 100 times Wealthier than Donald Trump Is he really? 200 billion Putin's got What?

Russia always act like they've got more than they have Trump. Is he really? 200 billion Putin's got. Yeah, but... What? Russia always act like they've got more than they have. Oh no. Am I reading that wrong? 20 billion, sorry. Yeah, thanks. Fucking hell, I thought Jeff Bezos just took a kick in from Putin. No, we don't have Amazon in Russia. We have fucking Russian shop. This is name. You buy from

here or I break your hand. Don't go on internet you don't know internet you have putin.com only website you need chat about me and that is all would you rather

porn putin.com me topless on horse you've got in trouble you've done something bad you've I don't know you've hit a cyclist

ok yeah but a cyclist works for MI5 or MI6. Do you know the difference to them? One is Homeland and one is Outward. I honestly don't know the difference, but everyone... It's the difference between the CIA and the FBI, isn't it?

Right, right. FBI can only operate in America. CIA can only operate outside of America. Serious question. Is there an MI4? Yeah. Is there? MI4? Yeah. Is there? Do we know what?

They're just like stationary for the government. They don't have like a... MI3? Yeah. There's MI1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. Is there? Yes. MI1 is like Boris Johnson's AIDS.

Boris Johnson's AIDS? Yeah. Alright, cool. Boris Johnson's got? Yeah. All right, cool. Boris Johnson's got AIDS. I don't know if it'd be silly, but I just genuinely don't know. Go on. So you've hit a cyclist. Yeah.

He's a spy. For MI46. Six. For what? For five. One of the two proper ones. And you're in trouble. Yeah.

And you go to a guy that I hook you up with, because you come to me and you're like, I'm in trouble, I need some help. What am I going to do? The government's after me. Pause the tape. If I've run over a spy from one, two, three, five, or fucking seven, and I'm in legal trouble,

I'm probably not coming to you, Adam. Okay, but in this analogy, you are. Do you think I'd wait for a podcast like, got legal issues, might be going to prison, but I wait until it's on the episode. So who would you go to to because you can't go to a lawyer they're in the pocket you've got to

come to a confidant you've got to come to a friend yeah you are my friend so you ring me and you go can you come meet me we meet us in Delamere Forest right

what with the bears yeah right right I'm wearing a shark suit you're wearing a dolphin suit away from water yeah right and you go look I've killed a spy

didn't mean it hit him in me Volvo, I need to get out of the country, do you know anyone? And I'm like, yeah, I know a guy. I put you in touch

with a guy, and he's like, right, I can get you one of two passports, you'll have to be out of the country within 24 hours, otherwise then you'll

be tracked. Do you want to go to Russia or China? Fucking hell. They're your only two options where you're going. Easy.

Who's your fucking... Easy for you, tell us easy. Hang on, Carl. This is my would you rather. He can... Who's your connection that only knows people in Russia or China? It's not that he only knows people in Russia or China. Communist Kev from round the world.

What he's saying to you does a bit of communism work for the council he can normally get any passport but he's looked at your situation and gone Russia and China they're the only two

places that won't extradite you alright so you've got to go to one of those two places go on Karl what do you think

where would you go Russia you'd go Russia there's a reason Snowden went there oh yeah is there well it's obviously

the safest place because it's snowy there as well I went in and he wanted his name to match didn't he go where we going

Snowden is that where your head went we've done a lot of podcasts well I'm called Snowden so I'm not going

anywhere sunny I'm going to the Arctic I mean I'll say this. They're both dodgy as fuck. There's civil rights are through the floor. To be gay, to be trans, horrific. Yeah, but none of that affects you, does it?

What if I decide to be gay? You don't know. I don't know. Looking at you with that top off, I'm curious. It's basically cold in Russia, but I think I'd go... The food's probably better in China, isn't it? Yeah, no one's going out for Russian scram, I think. That's my thinking.

If I got back tonight and went, Laura... You're shaking your head. Laura, can we get... You defo prefer Chinese food to Russian. You don't know what Chinese food Russian. You don't know what Chinese food is. You don't know what Russian food is?

What did you just say? Chinese food, what you have down the road is not what you eat in China. Of course it is. I'm sorry, what's it called? It's not Chinese. You walk through Beijing,

you can get salt and pepper chicken on every corner. Yeah. And you can get chips with curry sauce, just like he likes it at the Chinese Chippy. Name one Russian food.

Falafel. Falafel? Falafel's not Russian. No, it isn't. What he did was, he couldn't think of anything, and said the first word that his brain thought of that definitely wasn't Chinese. What is Russian food? Kal sensei.

Vodka. Not food. That is water. This is what we drink. It is your vodka. I'm going China, man. Yeah. Because I can cook Chinese food as well, so there's a job.

What? There's a job, so I can do noodles. I can do rice. Also, they've collected all your data already. They'll be like, Adam, hello. It was a bit far with the R there, wasn't it? Like, it's okay, but you hit the R in Harrow. Try again, but say Adam, hello.

All right, lad. No, come on, you can do it. He's a big living... Adam, hello. Adam, hello. That's acceptable. What you did was said Chinese people can't say their Ls. I know, I know.

Adam, hello. Welcome to China. I have all your data. It all stored on this machine. It's great. Welcome to China. I have all your data. It's all stored on this machine. It's great. This is why I've been collecting your data for you. We've already been doing it. This is fine.

We've been doing it. This is good. You're here now with all your Google preferences, all your weird porn you're into. Have some chips and curry sauce. I imagine that's how it goes. Everyone's down on China. I'd go China.

You know why? Because I fucking hate Russians. Sneaky cunts. I don't trust. I'm not like, although the women are quite fit. I probably need to internalise a lot of these thoughts.

Yeah. Yeah. That was a good would you rather. I don't think there's ever been quite as much preamble on good would you rather I don't think there's ever been quite as much preamble on a would you rather

because that went round the houses set the scene I even started asking questions while you were setting up a would you rather

and it was basically would you rather live in China or Russia but it was good really good China you've just come back

from Japan Carl why are you shaking your head at me because they're different countries I can't even explain how different China and Japan are

they both do soups they both do noodles yeah but they're kind of the same you know they're kind of like Chinese Japanese

Malaysia Chinese Japanese Malaysia Philippines China and Japan must be more similar than England and Japan By the way, do you know what it is? Chinese, Japanese, Malaysia, Philippines. China and Japan must be more similar than England and Japan. Obviously. Well, then that's what it means.

Stop being a fucking specific nonce. Stop being an actual truth nonce. Go on, Carl, what are you saying? When you say the pronunciation, Japanese people Can't say R And Korean people Can't say L So they say Harley Potter

In Japan I found that offensive There's an R at the end of Potter So isn't it Harley Pottle? No Because it's not It's

Do you want to go there? They can't roll their R's Oh god Carl's been travelling Yeah Oh no Carl's lived abroad We've just been in Runcorn

have you ever been to Japan because actually they don't say it that way they say it this way no it's actually English I've got an English language

degree and the R at the end of Potter is unvoiced Potter unvoiced Potter unvoiced you're not saying R are you

Potter Potter Harry Potter yeah you are if you're from Yeovil Or near Exeter Potter Not many Yeovil people in Japan I love Harry Potter

You're not saying R Potter Are you right I know I am Saying it A And they can do that Oh mate he's got a bit truth in him Yeah he's dead annoying isn't he

He's right though He's clever Oh have you It's in as well Such a grammar prick You know if you put the wrong Your on a Facebook status Oh yeah I'm a linguist He's right, though. He's clever. Oh, have you... It's in as well. Such a grammar prick. You know, if you put the wrong your on a Facebook status...

Oh, yeah. I'm a linguist. You're a Nazi. Oh, I'm a linguist. Carl, can I just say, I don't enjoy hanging out with intelligent people. It's annoying. Anyway, Adam, the podcast.

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the code word word that's w-o-r-d when you check out and your balls are gonna be thanking you get 20 off and free shipping with the code word at manscaped.com two mics two leads and a lot of time on their hands this is have a word back in. Back in the room. It's got to be quick. My daughter's not feeling very well and I can sense... Oh, she'll survive. My wife is... She'll survive. She's touchy. Also, I've got to drive towards Wales on a sunny Friday.

Balls! As all the fucking caravan pedos... I'll have some lovely time in North Wales in my caravan. That's why I voted for Brexit. Because I didn't want to go anywhere, anywhere apart from Wales. Right. Adam Dan, oh by the way, you

have got way too many compliments on your sultry voice. Have you seen it? Yeah. Have you seen it? That's annoying, isn't it? Do you know what? It's just worse than mine. No, it's not. He's like, oh yeah, I've just been Sensei Carl. You're right, I'm a linguist.

Sound like John Lynn. Linguist. Linguist, yeah. Linguistics. Someone who loves pasta. Fucking hell. Mate, get one of the It's linguini linguistics. Get one of the air cons on him. He's getting hot. Trying to make my nation dull. My donation of battle rap cons on him. He's getting hot. Trying to make my nation dough.

My donation of battle rap is pastas, papers. Time to pay your pasta papers. You don't want to talk him up, but he does. Adam, Dan, come on. What have we got to do to get one of these orange hoodies? I've seen Dan wearing them on the videos, and I'm a bit envious. Here's one, La. Nice one. It's from

Dan Pugh. Oh oh are you saying you mean the orange hoodie i had on earlier which will be on me in the second part of this episode will you go and get that and we'll do can we just can we we come up with a competition now we can't do that we can't come up with a competition on the fly can we not no we need to actually we need a good one do we need a good one we need it to be carl will you put your linguistic mind you're an intelligent person we need a good competition. We need it to be... Carl, will you put your linguistic mind? You're an intelligent person. We need a good competition for the hoodie. We're going to do a proper competition to win. We only got three of those hoodies.

We got one for me, one for Dan, and we got a spare one, which is an XL, but if you put it in the wash, it'll go down to a large if you put it on 60 degrees. So... And if you've got a 90 degrees, you can wear it and be a little personable. So we're going to do a competition to win that very soon.

We understand that everyone wants the orange one because they're the ones me and Dan wear. We're going to do a competition to give away the only one we've got. And then if there's still a demand there, we're going to look at doing a very, very limited run of the orange hoodies in the next few months or whatever. If you want a different coloured hoodie, there's still

some available at have a word pod.com there's loads of merch there t-shirts as well all different colors i had a message on instagram yesterday saying let me know when the hoodies go back on sale there's still some left go to have a weird pod.com um we have got some questions left over from the patreon episode we did just the other day make the patreon episodes the patreon episodes have become a q a and for the last two we've had a bevy of questions it's almost like if you become a patron you've got like a direct line like on a normal episode we've got thousands of people listening on the patreon we've got 500 people listening and if you ask a question but we got so carried away on the last two episodes

fuck me this week's was I laughed a lot the Patreon episodes are becoming because we're also a bit naughty on them aren't we we say the things we won't say on these we talk about things that we can't really talk about publicly they're becoming a proper little insiders club

but it does mean that it felt like we're all just like off our fucking tits the lemo man all I'm saying is I want to do some of these questions because they're good and we're not going to get through them all

we did one or two questions and then we got carried away and we were having such fun so Chris Townsend oh face Jedi and we were having such fun. So, Chris Townsend. Oh, Face Jedi. Who is a Hall of Famer,

isn't he? Yeah. Does it feel like the circuit has changed as you were returning? Have you noticed many comedians fall by the wayside

because of this? Where is the industry at at the moment? This is another thing I love about the people that are on Patreon. They're really tuned into like what's going on with comedy as well they're comedy fans but i read that i was like that's a really tuned in question i think there's some comedians who shouldn't come back and the list is it's a pen um i just think there's quite a few who've had their day and we're struggling anyway and just

need to get a fucking job now yeah but they probably are the state of it is comedy is in a massive flux which is frustrating because pubs are allowed to open my mate was at a pub with a fucking quiz in the corner there was a bloke with a microphone talking over the pa to a people all facing him in a pub give Give me a fucking break. Open comedy clubs. Maybe you don't have to open the Grand Theatre. I'm doing a gig in Manchester on Sunday. I don't know whether it's indoors or outdoors.

I just know it's at Bar... Is it Bar 51 in the Northern Quarter? Right. Let me just double check this. It'll be outdoors. I don't think it is. I think it's indoors. Okay.

Is that something... Bar 21, downstairs. I think it's indoors. Okay. Is that something you want to say? Bar 21, downstairs. That can't be outdoors. Downstairs at Bar 21, the northern quarter. It's called the Comedy Vault. It's this Sunday. It's free entry at 8 o'clock. Very, very limited seating available.

But if anyone's in Manchester and wants to see me do stand-up, and a good friend of the pod, Rob Mulholland, is doing 10 as well. This is going out on Monday, though, so... Oh, yes, yes. I did a gig yesterday. How was that gig yesterday? Downstairs. Oh, I imagine it was okay.

You smashed it, I heard. At least now we can't get the gig shut down. Fucking hilarious. That was so funny. Yeah, I feel like there's going to be comedians who've got a job and realised that their life is more comfortable in lockdown. There's going to be comedians who can't have had savings,

because even really successful comedians have struggled. Because we struggle to... Like, anyone who's a top-secret comic doesn't have an abundance of money. You're sort of living month to month on your wages as a top comic still. It's not like we've got thousands in the bank at all. If I didn't have this podcast, I'd i'd have had to go to to get a proper job yeah this podcast has stopped us delivering for fucking hermes exactly and there's defo defo comedians who've now gone and worked in sainsbury's or a phone a call center phone center

a call center or something and they've realized that they've got a comfortable wage coming in they're not worrying where the next gig's coming from. And they might just go, do you know what, I'll do a couple of gigs every now and then, but I don't need it anymore. And I tell you what, the comedy circuit will be better for it. I'm not telling anyone specifically

what to do with their lives or careers. I would never do that. If you feel the need to carry on just being a comedian and just want to do comedy, absolutely fine. I'm having a go at no one personally. There's a bit of dead wood. there's a bit of deadwood there's a bit of deadwood and also there are a lot more comedians than there are gigs we could do an experiment i could post on social media now and go i need a comedian for 150 quid next week i for one gig i'll get 100 emails yeah which is

is insane that ratio is just bananas, isn't it? And how many of them would you want to pay £150 to accommodate? Probably none of them. I'll have to go and find that guy myself. The ones you want don't even reply to the social media posts. One of the problems with the circuit is it's going to be fine. Long-term, post-rona, vaccine, all of this. It will be fine, the circuit.

But the amount of time until it's fine is in question. We thought we were opening up. We're not. We think maybe we're opening up in a couple of weeks. We might not. So the people who have gone and got other jobs, it's not like there is a set date of November 1st, all your gigs come back, all your income's back,

all that audience just piles back into comedy venues. The circuit is going to be up and running. it's going to be a slow process of a restrictions easing the virus lessening the vaccine being found and then also customer confidence licensed premises still having the license and still wanting to trade everything is going to happen gradually and in that time if you've gone and got yourself a job yeah do you go just gonna keep doing the job yeah i think a lot will i think a lot will certainly go part-time comedy they'll keep their job and they'll be like oh comedy's just something i do on the side yeah and i don't think that's a bad thing because you get like less comedians applying for

gigs i think there's a lot of stand-ups who could do to have a part-time job even before all this happened. Because comedy is an amazing career to have. It's an amazing job. It's unbelievable to perform and get paid for it. It's an absolute privilege. But it's also, there's really hard parts of comedy,

especially when the work dries up or if you haven't quite made it to be a full-time professional where you're earning, you need 500 quid a week as an adult. Like, especially, and that's like before you take your petrol and all that, I'm saying, most people can't live on, like, less than a few hundred quid a week. And there's got to be comedians who are really struggling to get by,

who are earning below the minimum wage just to get by because it's their dream to be a comedian and that's got to be so hard and i think there's quite a few could do which is getting a part-time job and taking a bit of fucking pressure off themselves it like being restricted and being under pressure constantly is an enemy of creativity you'll become a better comedian if you've got time to create and become the comic you want to be rather than the comic you need to be to pay the wages i see the reason in there but but i mean i've had a mate who started stand up a little bit older turned professional

one of their big things was like even though it's going to be a huge cut in my income because he was basically earning a full-time wage from stand-up and his and the work the job he had previously but he was so hammered on time and he was he was gigging with guys like you and me who've like been podcasting two or three times a week tuning in getting a following thinking about comedy messing around even though we ad lib all of this there's still some gems that come out where you go that's a thought there for stand up we're basically training that muscle for comedy and and then we're going home and mulling a bit around and then fuck it i'll go out on a tuesday and wednesday night and try something out and he's turning up to a gig tired he's got family yeah it's it's are we talking about Nottingham? Yeah. Yeah, so he had a full-time high-pressure job.

I'm talking about someone taking eight hours a week working in a gym or a bar or a cafe and just having enough to pay your rent coming. Do you know, I think what might change after this, just in terms of comedians working on the circuit, there might be less of a stigma about having other like another job i've always fucking hated that you know comedians who sneer i had i had fucking murder on social media a few years ago because there was a forum set up to advertise gigs in and people were like oh you could only come in if

you're a full-time comedian and this is your only source of income because we want to make sure that the quality of the comedians available in this group is just people who are dead good. And it's like, well, just having comedy as your income is not the barometer of that. The barometer should be what clubs are you playing? Because there was a comic, a mate of ours, who at the time was still a postman,

and they were like, he can't come in. I was like, he's better than half the people in the fucking group. He plays the big clubs more than half the people in the fucking group and just because he wants to save to buy himself a fucking house and he's happy to get up at six o'clock every morning and do a fucking full postie round before he then writes and then does gigs and writes more jokes than half the people in this group

have written in the past five years. You're telling him he can't apply for gigs that you're telling yourself you can apply for. Fucking bullshit. I've always hated that sneering. Oh, you've got a part-time job, you're not a proper comedian it's absolute nonsense because we don't say that once once you get to the point where you've written a sitcom are we telling everyone lee mackie's not a professional comedian because he's a writer as well yeah john bishop john bishop 85 grand a year from ici he wasn't a full-time comedian that's the

thing that people hear, especially within comedy, they hear the word professional, and they go, well, you're not a professional comic. Professional comic doesn't mean you earn your living from comedy. It means you get paid comedy gigs.

That's a professional gig. Can you hang on a bill with other professional comics? Yeah, you can do 18 jobs. You can be a gigolo, a porn star, a DPD driver, a fucking Radio 2 DJ. If you get paid 200 quid on a Friday in Birmingham at the Glee, you're a professional comedian.

People... Fucking busy week that, though, innit? Yeah, bit of a nightmare. Bit of a... Gigolo's a real motherfucker. Replacing Ken Bruce and sucking... Never mind. But I just think

that's something comedians have always got a bit wrong like they're like oh you're not professional because you've got another job that guy who had

a post round went on a year later to get an Edinburgh Festival newcomer nomination so best newcomer nomination

got his own special on the BBC and has since done mocked a week yeah but he's a bit of a nonce, isn't he? Hi Chris, you alright? Chris Washington, ladies and gents. Proper prick, owes me 80 quid.

I'm a posty nonce. I'm gonna start every time I mention it. Why does he owe you 80 quid? From Gigolo. Fucking refund, never turned up. Never turned up. I just headbutted the mic stand. Right, it's really what we got, really angry for the last five minutes. I love headbutted the mic stand. Right, it's really... God, we got really...

Angry for the last five minutes. I love it. So comedy's fine. Why do I keep saying it? Comedy's fine. And you're all fucking wrong about it. It's fine. He's doing gigs in the future and the past.

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with Adam and Dave. Hello. What's happening? Welcome back. I'm going to say back because we will have recorded the first bit later, won't we?

You fucking could have left the magic around that. Well, I didn't want to. We're honest with our listeners and we're doing the podcast arse over tit because of childcare. fucking could have left the magic around that. Well, I didn't want to. We're honest with our listeners. We're doing the fucking podcast arse over tit because of childcare and I totally appreciate that.

This whole podcast has been done around fucking childcare. Adam, can we start recording it too? He's like, I'm ready to go a little earlier. I'm like, I've got a fucking toddler with me. So, thanks for coming in. Steph? Steph Johnson aka Scousebird

third word it was Probs ours was formerly known as Probs now Blogs now Blogs I'm just Steph though just Steph

I'm just Steph you know what I mean people think of me as this meme but I'm just Steph my mate was going so who have you got on on the next episode i was like

um she's called steph and she's got like a twitter and he was like you don't know who you're on about do you like not really seems dead sound adam says she's brilliant it's great to be fair adam said i'm starting a podcast with dan, and I was like... Who? Who? We were going to do a podcast together, weren't we? We were going to do like a Scouse podcast. Yeah, and then lockdown happens, and you left me for Dan. It was just, well, it got a bit awkward. Yeah, but that'd be a great podcast.

Maybe we'll do it. Maybe we'll do it when we get the second room in here. We'll have the Scouse bed, Prob Studios. Do you think I'm coming to Runkle? Is this too far? I mean I had a panic attack Coming over the bridge

Because my sat-nav on my car Hasn't updated So it wanted to take me To the old bridge And then it just Has an absolute fit When you try and take it To the new bridge

But hang on That new bridge has been open For nearly three years When's your road From your Like I've got a TomTom But it's literally 1895 roads I mean Take the highway But I've got a tom-tom but it's it's literally 1895 roads

take the highway but i've got like a lexus and you know clearly there's no automatic updates or anything so it's a built-in thing yeah yeah it's not a dash it's part of the oh no i mean i'm not a peasant steph i've got a 10 year old volvo and it was like one of the earliest sat navs. Yeah. And every time I turn the car on this weird little fucking noncy sat nav comes out of the dashboard and it's like, Oh, where do you want to go? And I'm like, I don't trust, you know where you're fucking going. Like put in the road. I'll find it. I'm like, you definitely won't.

I need a new one with track. I need ways. Who's like, dude, there's a person walking on the side of the road in about 12 yards. And you're like, how can you even know? Oh, fuck, there they are. Yeah. Like the modern, like, sat-nav stuff on your phone.

Mine's happened on it. It's amazing, isn't it? There's a new road by mine. We just call it the new road. But it's been open for years. And the sat-nav just doesn't acknowledge it. It thinks I'm going through fields. And then as soon as it gets to the other side.

Why don't you just use it? Like, even if I had a sat nav in my car which i don't like i'd still just use my phone on my little rac clip on the dash because your phone's like get up to date info like i know when on google maps you know where the traffic is and shit you know like to avoid that road on the way to a this is a conversation he had with me just before shut down i went and got a new phone with unlimited download unlimited data got ways got a new setup then the shutdown happened and i didn't drive the car for two fucking months so if you're like well i've got a sat nav don't let him do the um petrol panic buying when when the we thought there was rumors that the army were going to come and shut us shut us down so i went to Costco

and filled up because I thought if I need to get in a zombie apocalypse and I need to have mileage on this car did you panic by any food

no I didn't you did I didn't I didn't I swear to god and bulk buying is one of my favourite things to do in the world

but I was like no I mean I couldn't I bulk bought two weeks worth of food like dry food i was like if anything gets if they go we're shutting down for two weeks then i've got it and then a couple of weeks ago we just took it and give it to a food bank like we don't need it now you can have it i was fuming i couldn't find pasta anywhere i was like i'd live off pasta why are you doing

this we had to find it from like some like local news agents got a pasta dealer that you know what that was sly really really good techers for panic buying yeah instead of going to like colossal costco or morrison's where everyone was trying to panic buy you know when it was going batshit about toilet paper like there is no toilet paper i'm on my last roll yeah mate the estate around the back of ours has got one of them mccall's is it mccall's like news agents which is like end of the line it's for like really strong booze sweetie it's the weirdest combo in it it's like pretty much nothing else convenience store chain but like a corner shop chain but it's like it's they're always small

they're always a little bit more expensive but basically they trade in depressing booze and fag sales and sweetie sales for children. And Frey Bentos pies. Yeah, just all the stuff that you're like, I shouldn't, but I'm gonna. Don't ever eat a pie. Don't. Mate, there is no more information. I just don't like pies.

Where are you from? Oh, you see, you're fucking, that's off the train of thought. It's gone now. I feel like you're a bit wiggly, I mean. Oh. That was anti-wool oh you wools yeah

white on white racism are you are you like a unofficial wool are you Sefton I mean yeah at the moment

are you born and raised there I mean purple bin I went to school in McGull yeah so you are yeah yeah

okay so it should be wall bed probs it's got an L postcode I had an L postcode and that's all that matters so is Ormsgirth though are they Scousers mate if you're not from

if you're not from Merseyside I always had the Scouse spirit if you're not from Liverpool now you're like what is going on

we are really getting into some fucking like postcode shit. 97% of our listeners are from... Were you telling me before not to tell us to get the sat-nav on her phone? She's literally drove here and thought she was in the mazy. Where's his head now? Well, you see, I can't get the sat-nav on my phone because I have a wireless charging pad next to my gear stick,

so the phone has to sit there so I can't have it up there otherwise I won't be on charge but why don't talk to Adam about this he gets dead angry oh no that's not because you need a charger in your car

have you seen how how fast the iPhones lose battery and how much I'm on my phone do you have no idea while you're driving no no how much if you if you make your if your thing is like social media because

he's always on it and i'm now because this podcast is like the twitter's kicking off i'm really finding it it's addictive how much are you on your phone a day how much because you've got a massive twitter massive instagram is that right yeah i mean how much is a lot have you got like screen time report yeah and i don't it gives me anxiety because it's always bang out of order like it's less now because i'm doing better with it yeah but like sometimes it's like sometimes it's like six hours yeah mine's like that between six and nine hours between like yeah yeah mine's just like that it's between six and fourteen and a half but that's only you know how many hours do you spend a day in work but you're asking the wrong person though

this is my fucking big day nine to five we'll be in work for like eight hours won't be so you know so you're only on your phone for an hour longer than a full day amazing so what like is there a point you're on your phone so much it's it's it's work isn't it yeah essentially it's work is there a point where you're like right this app is for me like what you know because my wife goes to work works quite hard comes back and really she's like what she wants to do is be left alone so she can just go on instagram for she's like just i need 20 minutes to scroll through it i'm like you love two hours what when do you actually go on your phone and just enjoy just fucking about or is it all do you feel like i am working here yeah i don't i don't really use it like i suppose like a normal person like i will just spend time just flicking through the three um apps the three main ones the

holy trinity yeah the Holy Trinity of social media. Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. Oh, I thought TikTok might make it onto you. I'm not young enough for TikTok. TikTok's going, innit? Yeah, the news. Trump's banning it. Yeah.

You're not American, though, so you'd be like... Yeah, but I feel like Boris Johnson just does what he does six months later. If Boris Johnson comes out and starts talking about TikTok... We get government policy from America the same way we get films they see how it does in the box office over there it's 2020 was it surprising if boris johnson came out and banned tiktok no i don't think anything would surprise like all the conspiracy theorists think like bill gates is like controlling the virus and that and like he wants to microchip everyone i think it's dead funny that like the government are about to in america are about to ban tiktok unless microsoft buy it out and i know bill gates

doesn't work at microsoft anymore but that's a conspiracy theorist's wet dream isn't it bill gates is in charge of running the world and now he's going to out buy this tiktok thing which is feeding info to the chinese government i've still got people now messaging me saying that coronavirus was caused by 5g oh for the love of tits because i mentioned on instagram yesterday about everything smelling like the doc rose because i had covid back in march and someone actually messaged me and said yeah but you know it's all caused by 5g because it was all installed at the same time and i was like the most annoying thing about those conspiracy theorists they're like yeah but i'm dead clever because i'm not fucking like following the mainstream it's 5g you're like you didn't come up with that theory you just

listened to another fuckwit stop like treating like oh yeah i'm dead do your research by which i mean google exactly so you had the rona i did yeah no pasta then you got the rona what a fucking nightmare what are you yeah no it was there i had a cough like the week before lockdown then hang on did you have it or are you doing what everyone did we were like oh here we go me now i paid i sneezed in november do you remember when i sneezed in november do you remember there's loads of people doing that i did it i was like I was knackered in January I was dead tired I had the antibodies

so I genuinely have had it no but Steph I'm not joking there was a honestly there was one morning I'd been drinking heavily

the night before and I just felt terrible I just couldn't get out of bed and I was coughing a lot because I'd had weed the night before but it's Rona yeah absolutely

I didn't have the fever or nothing like that I just had the cough night before but it's rona yeah absolutely I didn't have the fever or nothing like that I just had the cough and then my sense of smell just went like I could not smell I don't know the fever reminds me of like

something like I didn't have the fever I don't know I had loads of different fevers I had like you know dick fever but I didn't have rona sorry

did you have the fever it's quite playful isn't it so go on this is serious because you've been ill and I know it's can't be boggled it's dead serious

and we're behind you I wouldn't say I was ill I just couldn't smell anything for two and a half weeks nothing from like a candle to shit I couldn't smell a thing

did you really test that second one I did yeah I had to try because at one point I was like oh my god I literally can't smell anything so I tried smelling shit and I couldn't smell a thing and I think did you really test that second one I did yeah I did try because at one point I was like oh my god I literally can't smell anything

so I tried smelling shit and I couldn't smell it hang on let's just park here for a second let's just park here this is like one extra what's that Rob

mandem say that again what kind of shit no it's not I mean my shit my daughter's shit you know

I just tried did you sniff hang on were you getting like into the toilet bowl no just i wasn't like i had my head in the pre-flush you turned around and went yeah can i smell it no hey that is i know you would like to thank i know cora has it as well because every morning she comes into me into bed with me and goes oh mummy your breath stinks

and for two weeks she didn't say a thing oh my god I'd love if that was like the official government way they test children has your mum's breath been like the past two weeks oh sound, yeah she's fucked can't be sending her to school in september yeah but kids breath stink as well like they're like do you know you don't think about it because my

daughter's three and she's fucking beautiful in the morning she's like nah she's like daddy morning i'm like don't fucking breathe on me yeah but when you've got morning breath you can taste it you can taste how bad it smells yeah the older you get like she wasn't bothered for two weeks and then she got went back to saying mommy your breath stinks i've just had a memory oh god when i went away with my dad we went to watch the italian grand prix about 10 years ago we stayed in a we stayed in like a little motel went to the oh is it yeah got on the coach because it was like a coach tour thing and all the f1 geeks all the formula one bell ends my dad it was first thing in the morning because he was driving us to the track.

My dad would have been, what, at the time, about 60-odd years old, and it was one of them really closed-in little fucking minivans, and he turned to say something to me. Oh, my God. Oh, he could have taken a layer of skin off my face. The worst morning breath. You know when you're like,'s not just doesn't smell bad it's like medically i think you need to see a fucking doctor

because there is an there is an evil inside your mouth mate and i was giving him chewing gum he's like oh i'm not really a chewing gum man i was like dad you should be though just for the next hour hour and a half when you're with with someone and they wake up in the morning and after a bit of morning, hanky-panky, and you're just like that. Doggy! Doggy! You could just role-play. You could just role-play.

You're like, I'm a sex worker and you're a John. I want to kiss you. No kissing. Did you ever play the Comedy Cafe in London, in Shoreditch? No. So Comedy Cafe is like a legendary London comedy club.

It's great. The guy who ran it was a fellow called Noel Faulkner, who, dead sound, fucking mental. I'd like a little click as well, a little dolphin. And the first time you meet them, you're like... And he's got such a distinctive bad breath. And I'm not trying to slag someone off. But the other day, I seen him comment on a Facebook post

and I smelt his breath. Mate, Facebook's really up in the game, aren't they? They're losing ground to Twitter and Insta. It's that a thing, though, isn't it? Sometimes there's just distinctive smells that just take you back to a time and a place. Yeah. Me trying to describe what his breath is like

is like when Paul Smith was in trying to tell us what DMT was like. It's like, it's a smell I've never smelled before. I saw colours. I've got no frame of reference for what it is. There was a serpent that swam in and shat in my face. It's really funny. Something about old dudes, though, innit?

One of my big fears about getting old, I'm already bored, I've already put a bit of weight on, so I'm dealing with some of the initial things that happen. You don't want to be the breath guy. I do not want to be the breath dad, who's like, I love you so much, children. Like, it's nasty. Don't smoke though, do you?

Smoking's bad for that. And I go to the dentist. Crack is fucking awful. I'm cutting down on the crack. But when in run cold. Do me a favour, Dan, just don't start whistling. Because that's like one of my fears. Old men whistling, it goes through me.

Like, it gets in me back. Like, I can feel it all down me back and everything. It's a phobia. A phobia? Yeah. Is it just old men? Can I whistle now and it'll be fine? Yeah, probably.

No, she didn't enjoy it. It's slightly annoying, but I used to work in the bank and you'd get all the R1s queuing up to go to the cashiers and every old man that would come in would just stand there whistling and you'd be like,

shut up, shut up, shut up! And that's how you get fired from the bank. I mean, yeah. Shut up! I I mean old people are well annoying in banks anyway aren't they like there's a

machine there and you can put the money in I don't trust it I want to stand and talk to a human and whistle till she cries

B&Q I bet that's if you hate old dudes whistling my customer service was so bad in the bank honest to god

because at one point I just got sick of it I used to have fantasies about winning the lottery and coming in the next day and finding how long one point I just got sick of it I used to have fantasies about winning the lottery and coming in the next day and finding how long it'd take for me

to be escorted off the premises but we talk about the lottery chat all the time hang on is this the last job you had before

you went fucking yeah social media premier league I wasn't born to be employed right so are you allowed to say which bank

would you have to keep it generic? No, it was Barclays. Right, Barclays. So one of the big dogs. How long did you work there before you left? About six years. And what age were you when you fucked it off?

26, 27. Oh, you'd done a fucking shift then. Yeah. Right. Like people will come in, and like you were saying there, like people want, you'd say to them,

right, do you want to get out the queue queue and we'll pay your money into the machine i wasn't friendly all right i mean so so they'd be like i'd say just fill in that pain and slip and post in the machine they go oh i don't know how to do it and i was like okay see what it says date yeah i'll go put the date see what it says your name yeah yeah just write your name. How do I know it's going to read me handwriting right? My name's Adam, it could say Alan. Put them out.

And I'll be like that going, I don't know how to fucking explain it to you without losing me rag, but yeah. No, I just like to do exactly the same thing, but at the counter and slow everyone down. But yeah, you get the same people. Like, I don't mind showing you once, but when you're in every single week and every time,

you go, ooh, can you do it for me? It's called self-service you daft swat Do you know what was great though? I used to live, before I moved to Chester we lived in St Anne's near Blackpool which is wool by the sea and I can sense

wigging and she's not far off It's going to eat away at you It was bang on I can sense Wigan and she's not far off I was just really surprised it's going to eat away at you it was bang on and basically Preston

which is the same sort of I was surprised about the pies and you know Wigan's like the pie capital I know but I'm from Preston and they do like pies I'm definitely an outsider

do they do butter pies or something it's partly why I don't fucking live there anymore I've been fucking told to leave but yeah we lived in St. Anne's.

It's about, yeah, get out your non-pay eating twat. It's got a famous bus station or something, hasn't it? It's got, when it was built, the biggest bus station in Europe. Right. And it's got the first KFC in the UK. And that is the end of the point of fame.

I mean, how depressing is that? And Butterpie. St. Anne's is basically like a little seaside town with loads of old people, about 80% old people. That NatWest was one of my favourite NatWest to use. You'd go in, there was a queue of geriatrics out the fucking door, and you just got to wander to the computerised fucking...

You know the machine that does the paying? And they'd look at you like, what is it? I loved it i don't want to queue at both i want all the old fuckers just in one queue and me go and i used to look at them like look at you this this could be you but you can't fucking do it yes mate and do you know what i get it like it's it's kind of like a day out for them and it's like a bit sad isn't it but you know that's their only human interaction but at the time, when I was in my early 20s, I just had no patience for it whatsoever.

Did you have any of them who you knew the life story and you actually gave a shit? Like you were invested in them? No. Okay, next question. Hello again, Steph. My daughter's doing better since the surgery. Couldn't give a fuck.

There was one guy who used to come in and you know what you're talking about like smells there was one guy and i won't name him like but he had 100 grand in his current account and oh my god did he stink and it was like mold like he had when he left just washing in for like two hours after it had finished that's what it is isn't it yeah it was like mould and like soil and stuff and he would just

or dirt under his fingernails and stuff hundred grand and he was horrible like he was really like a vile person and I'd just sit there thinking

yeah please it's 20p for some soap do you know what I mean just get a wash he's not buying soap he's not buying deodorant he's not paying for the fucking water

and that's how he's got a hundred grand in the bank he's got no friends he was on the deodorant he's not paying for the fucking water and that's how he's got 100 grand in the bank he's got no friends he was on the dole and he was just saving it all I love that being able to see

everyone's money so you're basically every time someone came up you're seeing the rat the fucking smelly horror in front of you and then looking

at their bank balance going what the fuck is going on here money just loses all meaning in the bank because you can be loading up the atms with like hundreds of thousands of pounds and you're just like my date my day most money you've ever held in your hand cash it was probably a couple of hundreds when we're loading in a couple of hundred grand yeah when we're loading the atm you're never tempted but to just rub it on your boobs a little bit like

yeah i want a great way to get sacked in the first sort of like six months you're like that going oh my god when you see like millions of pounds in people's accounts you're a bit like hmm but after a while it's just like say it's just numbers i don't think you work you work there for what six years so me and carl if either of us worked in a bank for six years there's absolutely no way we wouldn't have spent at least an afternoon with a pen and paper trying to figure out how to rob it. It'd never cross your mind

once, like, how do I do? How can I get something? No. That's fucking, I don't believe you. I'm a good person.

Every time I'm in the bank and the tray's open, I fucking imagine it. I don't want to go to jail. Yeah, but you're robbing us. You're robbing us. You're robbing us.

You're robbing us though, aren't you? You're rob I don't want to go to jail but you're Robin Hood you're Robin Hood though aren't you you're Robin from the bank to give to the poor no that doesn't work if it's yourself it does no that's not it does if you're poor

this is Robin Hood no no no it's like Robin Hood someone's got money and I haven't and I want it so I'm like Robin that's basically saying

all theft is Robin Hood like just eat the rich yeah there was this nana who had like a fucking purse of money, and I had just run out of money because I'd spent it on smack, so I robbed her like Robin Hood. No, no, no, no.

Did you give the money to anyone poor? No, I'm fucking poor. I kept it for smack. Amazing logic. You're poor. Like, I wouldn't keep it. Let's say me and him got a hundred grand each I'd give my dad a bit

my ma my little brother fucking hell and they'd all be an accessory to your crime then yeah but you wouldn't I wouldn't have told them

I'd be like I want it on a scratch card yeah how would they when they're like Adam can I pull you in Adam and Carl

obviously here at fucking Barclays Sefton or wherever we are we've got a pretty strict policy on nicking fucking money there is a 200 grand missing from when you were in work what would your excuse be like oh shit that door was open for a bit over there no right everything's dual control so every like you can't have like the same set of keys and stuff like that. Do you need two people? Yeah, yeah.

Laughing. There you go, Carl. There we go. Yeah. Go on, ask me. Go on, ask me. Ask me where it's gone. Where?

Where? Adam? Adam, can you just stop what you're doing for a second? Could you stop what you're doing? I'm gone. I've got to put this fucking money in. Adam, can you stop typing?

Because you're not actually typing. You're just tapping the side of your Apple Mac. Thanks. Thank in. Can you stop typing? Because you're not actually typing, you're just tapping the side of your Apple Mac. Thanks, thank you. Could you stop doing... And I don't want to start this off in a negative way, but I would hate to accuse you, professionally, personally,

but there's 200 grand missing, and you and Sensei Carl were the only ones in the Barclays at the time. Nah, Carnaby must have been someone else here Oh, okay, well we'll close our investigation and thanks so much for your time There was a guy came in and he had a hood and he was like

a Nottingham Forest fan Didn't rob it, prove it Well we've got security cameras We wore gloves, you've got no fingerprints Wore gloves to tap send You won't, you, oh I wouldn't have robbed it digitally That's a fucking nightmare You want the cash

Right Or security deposit boxes Because no one knows what's in them You've watched so many films haven't you How are you getting anywhere near security deposit boxes Keys I've got all the keys He's got all the keys

From where Your job innit Mr Keys At Barclays I love how into this fucking fantasy Carl just got I've got the keys He's all the keys. He's got all the keys. From where? Your job, innit? Mr. Keys. At Barclays. I love how into this fucking fantasy, Carl. Just go, I've got the keys. He's got the keys. You've got to make sure you're on opposite sets of keys.

We wouldn't even have them. Steph knows. What we'd do is, I'd get him the job, but I'd tell him how to smash the interview and that. It'd be the shittest film. You'd be in prison in the 28th minute of the film. The heist of the century. It's an hour and a half long. Get him the go fuck that up get him the job but like not like overtly so i tell him how to pass the interview and that and then on the first second day we just

have a massive rat like fucking ate you and he's like i hate you as well and then for months and months two years we're just constantly like every time his name gets brought on like i'm fucking ate him i ate him we do the same and then when it all gets robbed and we're the only two on shift they'll be like what what kind of in them they ate each other yeah by that reasoning there's a comedian i can think of i think we're robbing a bank together quite soon because i'm done with that cunt um step Steph how would you have got sacked imagining winning the lottery and going in

and like your daydream was if I won 20 million I'd tell them all that they stink would you just walk in and be like fuck it yeah I'd just tell them exactly what was on my mind I'd be going can I just cancel a direct debit please

yeah if you go in we get a wash first I mean I love that can you imagine if you were trying, we get a wash first. I mean... I love that. Can you imagine if you were trying to get sacked and they were like, okay, I will. And they just took the advice. That's something we've never discussed.

So on this podcast, like a handful of times, we've done the lottery fantasy. Like you win 100 million, what are you doing, whatever. That's something we've never discussed. You've got a shit job that you don't want. Would you just quietly leave or go out all guns blazing? And I've had that fantasy about a million times, just fucking bouncing in and being like,

just being a dickhead on that last day. Yeah, it wouldn't have taken long for me to be escorted off the premises, definitely, because, I mean, I was angry at that job. I hated that job. I'd have waited for the manager I didn't like and I've got Ryan from Envy in my head remember him let's say I still work at Envy

and he comes in and speaks to me the way he normally does I'd just love to just see his face when he goes Adam go and mop that floor and I go why don't you suck my fucking dick and just watch him go and then he starts trying to suck your dick and then it goes like the blinking and man gift

but you're not working there anymore you're fantasising about winning the lottery and then going back in time flying one last shit flying to envy

hi envy I'd like to Adam you're doing great your career's going really good you've got a hit podcast you don't need the work yeah I do is Ryan still there

I just want to do one shift with him fuck you yeah but daddy's gonna come in and tell you what he thinks of you oh mate that'd be harsh wouldn't it especially on on mike like hi guys uh we've had some emails dan can i just stop you there you fucking nonce do you know the worst thing is that would be a normal podcast it'd be weird oh funny funny what would you do 100 million

you just check your phone now yeah what would you do 100 mil what would you do oh I'd buy a big house down in the damn

you've already got a fucking massive house haven't you you can always go bigger can you bigger is better that's what they say I'd keep it secret

that's my yep I don't want any fucker knowing I'd come in be like right mate you'd be you'd be bill gates rich wouldn't you you'd be where you'd be still shopping the sales at windsors and shit just keeping it all one of those big mansions you know down on beach lawn the ones that the owners of the titanic used to live in down in crosby they're like 19 on that walk to freshfields beach yeah yeah yeah but then all then everyone knows then everyone

knows i'd buy a three-bed shitty looking fucking bungalow you downgrade and then dan never has anyone around never has anyone right you go through the bungalow shithole then out the back garden then down into a fucking tunnel then the mansion secret fucking layer i just don't want to fucking love to see you trying to get planning permission off council for this i want to buy a free bed and build an underground labyrinth yeah i want a layer yeah well we've got all the pipes there we've got all the sewers we need all that no no we've got 100 mil just landed in my bank yeah i just don't want everyone knowing i just think sometimes your fantasies just get a bit unrealistic thanks to the heist

oh should we have a have you got a question or are we going to have a little should we have a break do you want to have a break are we doing a break or not well we're going to have to have a break because we've got sponsors yeah because we're trying to make that fucking layer money mate

layer underground layer just a layer isn't it than that, haven't we, Sam? Yeah, because we're trying to make that fucking layer money, mate. Layer? Underground layer. My underground layer money. It's just a layer, isn't it? What? Underground layer. Layer?

I'm surprised you've just backed him up on that, because I thought it was just a wool thing for him. Oh, here we go. More white on white. It is layer, but everyone just says layer, don't they? No. No? That's the first time I've ever heard that. It's a layer?

An underground layer? There's a layer. An underground layer. There's a layer of soil on top of the layer. That's like if Don King... That's like Don King. That's how we'd say it. Layer. Don King. A secret layer.

The famous boxing promoter. Can you please do an impression of this? I can't do it. Don King, only in America. I'm in the layer. Are you any good at impressions? No. I'm doing Alan lip are you any good at impressions no

I'm doing Alan Rickman no it's bad oh please come on doing Alan Rickman we're quite famous on this podcast for doing impressions

that we're in no way qualified to do okay right okay so Alan Rickman in a sane spree I laugh Alan Rickman no no I can't do

anything like that I can just say one he goes you go way too complicated with these role plays can you do an impression laugh Alan Rickman no no I can't do anything like that I can just say one mate he goes you go way too complicated with these role plays can you do an impression

right Alan Rickman he's just lost his mum right but he's in space he's trying to rob a Barclays and he's sense of regret and you can also smell shit

and you're in a lair go like Justin Morales was like what he's like a Spanish sailor who's lost an arm

I was just going to say he's insane he's recently run out of apples right cool let's have you rickman good afternoon mr potter it's actually quite good i've done it our resident harry potter expert was that any good i give it a five yeah i can do it better but i'm under pressure and i'm laughing so can you do accents because i have everyone in the world can do scouse badly but i think it's funny when scouses go yeah but i can do accents and then it's like if you've got such a strong

accent it's hard to do one i cannot do two i cannot do is josey and northern irish yes let me bang something i love it i cannot do that go on. Can you... We've just got to have some Geordie. Come on. Metro Centre. That's not bad. Not bad. Too bad. Belfast, like, I went on a tour,

like a Game of Thrones tour in Ireland, and we had this tour, guys, and he was an extra in Game of Thrones. Yeah, that place over there. Over there. Ireland. Just round the corner. Scotland.

Wales. Peter Kayser. Mozambique. Mozambique. Peter Kayser. yeah that place over there over there Ireland Scotland Wales Peter Cazor Mozambique Mozambique Peter Cazor I died seven times and that is it that's all I can say that's not too bad though

Steph when you're saying you can't do accents and then you do them I can do that one phrase I died seven times I died seven times can you do

I died seven times in a Geordie accent no I died seven times. Can you do I died seven times in a Geordie accent? No. I fucking died seven times? Mate, all of Adam's Geordies. I died seven times. I died seven times? You're going a bit a little bit.

Yeah. I fucking died seven fucking times. That was sick. That was amazing. Oh, I don't know. Welsh, what's a good accent? You need an anchor phrase for Welsh. Oh, I don't know. Welsh, what's a good accent? You need an anchor phrase for Welsh. Oh, come on, Steph. No.

No, I say, yeah. I'm Welsh, I am. I died seven times. You can do accents? You really can, though? I can't. The key is, with a good accent, there's like, people go,

oh, I can do an accent, but then they've got Like a phrase That includes The name of the place They're saying And you can tell Hello

I'm from Wales I am Oh I'm doing an impression And if someone says You want to say The name of the person You're doing So everyone gets it

Fuck's sake Me doubling one So then I just My anchor phrase for that Is over here Come on Oh I like it Yeah that's quite good

yeah because we went yeah went to passport control with my Glaswegian I don't know is that Billy Connolly is that Billy Connolly

no I don't know Glasgow oh Jesus neither does Adam neither does Adam he'll take the high road and you take the low road Oh right okay That was not bad, that was very Lorraine Kelly

Everyone in Glasgow just lost their fucking mind I'll take the high road And you take the low road Glasgow's like That's no fucking noise by the way You've got a good ear for accents I think that's quite good Chinese

I'm not being racist. I mean... Oh, come on! What are you even here for? And on that note, let's have a word from our sponsors. One last little bit of housekeeping. Have a Word is now fully a video podcast. Everything is up on our YouTube channel,

youtube.com slash haveawordpod. Go and subscribe. You'll see our beautiful lid-like faces Looking at each other like we're the morons You definitely think we are Even if it's just a marvel At not just the studio that you help pay for Also Adam's phenomenal eyebrows

What's happening lids? Today's sponsor is Beer 52 Beer 52 is the UK's most popular Craft beer discovery club If you're into your beers, your ales, your stouts, Beer52 is the place for you. They've teamed up with Have A Word, this podcast baby, to give our listeners a free case of eight beers. You will get eight beers, an award-winning beer magazine and a tasty snack. You just pay the £5.95 postage.

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telling you right now, I signed up for this a few months ago myself, and I ain't been cancelling anything. I'm still tippling away. Just go to beer52.com slash word and claim your free case now. That's B-E-E-R-5-2 dot com slash W-O-R-D. Do it now, baby. Please, go get yourself some free stuff on us. Don't forget to watch our very funny podcast videos on YouTube.

You can subscribe at youtube.com forward slash have a word pod. Oh, that was good, wasn't it? It was dead good. I'm having fun. This is the bit of the... Oh, shit, I'm getting tit sweat. I'm getting under tit sweat on my man skin. No one would have ever known that because you're wearing black.

But now everyone knows and I'm not cutting this out of the video no matter how many times you ask me it's a warm day and I've put one of the fans on our guest because I didn't want to be

dick and be like you get sweaty and I'll have it on me but now I want a fan on me right I'm wearing black and all car will you blow on me thanks mate so this is the section

of the show where we do some features with our guests our favourite features and I've also invented a feature specifically for you which I am rather apprehensive about because you've told me i'm gonna hate it well you're not gonna hate it i just think it's gonna be funny to see with it should we do that one first let's do that one first okay he's so excited about it so

uh for anyone who doesn't know uh steph or hasn't followed there for the past few years it's uh what's your instagram handle scousebird blogs yeah and is it the same on twitter yeah i like to be uniform because it used to be scouse bird probs yeah did you hide your identity for a while yeah were you a cartoon for a bit and then you're like yeah i had i was anonymous for like seven years six seven years something like that and then you're like fucking stepping out what changed it my facebook page got hacked i'd lost my instagram page for the year before and um and then my facebook page got hacked so i kind of just had to knew i had to do something drastic so i just thought those cunts selling selling raybon yeah i never actually wanted to come out per se but it allowed me to like, open the shop, and stuff like that, so, it's changed it.

There's a lot of gay listeners going, I don't think you've had it as hard, as you think you have. I'm coming out. I didn't want to come out, but, come on, Facebook,

Facebook. So, we should plug that. So, you've got a shop, tell us about your shop in, is it Crosby? Yeah.

Okay. Well, according to a troll, it's just full of overpriced tat okay nice one thanks for people love overpriced tat though i wouldn't even take that as a slam that's a fucking very very that's a compliment i posted the sort of the message that she sent me and i've i had the best three days of sales all year so i still drink you sent me a little gift at christmas which was lovely by the way yeah um you sent me a cup a at Christmas which was lovely by the way you sent me a cup

a friends cup because I know you love friends I do and we are friends and I really liked it and you sent me Mrs. One of Your Diaries which is a very popular

idea with all the Scouse women so please if you're ever in Crosby and you can get stuff online as well what's the website? Scousebirdshop.com

there we go go and check some stuff out there's so many really good stuff it's not overpriced it's really really good especially if you're the scouser And if you're a left leaning On the political side

If you hate Tories And you love cleaning Because we've got a lot of Spanish cleaning products That's a fucking great slogan You hate Tories And you love cleaning Come to Scouse Bitch

My wife is checking your website My new slogan Because at the moment It's just Sally says We're full of overpriced tats. So, with knowing you were coming on, we've been thinking recently, we want to change stuff up a little bit

when we've got our guests on, and try and tailor maybe a feature to them and who they are, especially when it's not just a comedian coming in. You're our first non-comedian, non-stand-up comedian guest. You're not me, but until you get on stage. It's fun not having, like we've not talked about stand-up. You're also're not me but until you get on stage it's fun

not having like we've not talked about stand-up and also your first female I believe yeah begrudgingly that's what I said

first non-comedian talking about it's a joke don't cancel me it's honestly talking about banks for that long was actually

more fun than talking about stand-up. This is like our 90th record. We've talked a lot about comedy, and we will do. I love talking about banks. It's quality. Okay, well, next week we'll get a banker on or somebody who works at Alton Towers or something.

So tell us about Nemesis. Oh, that sounds great! I know you were trying to do banter. I was like, I've got loads of questions. Has someone shit themselves on Rita? Defo. Do you think someone's pooed on her? I reckon I'd shit myself looking at it,

like watching it run. Oh, it's so good. The smile. What's the smile? Is that a new one? That's the one where the woman lost a leg or something. Yeah. Well, you know, it's a really good roller coaster.

What's Oblivion? The one that just waits and then drops we had an Irish kid in the queue in front of us for the whole queue two hours a queue little Irish kid

in the accent you were doing over here come on he just waited and then did the advert and went don't look down

and the first three times he did it we were like it's gonna be fun two hours a queue later I could have murdered an Irish child don't look

down i am terrified of all of the vibes i've been on a few when i first got with jade one of our first dates was to um blackpool and i went on like the grand national one and i went i wouldn't go on the pepsi max i won't go to alton towers all the scouts comedians a few years ago were like going to alton towers you're? I was like, no. They were like, well, why not? I was like, I'm terrified of rides. And they were like, Paul Smith went to me, you do know statistically you're more likely to die in the car on the way there than on any of the rides.

And I was like, well, I'm not going, so I'm not going to be in the car either. But I hate that shit. Like, well, you actually, shark attacks happen. You're like, babe, I'm still scared of sharks. Fuck off. So I noticed from your social media and being friends and following you for a while you're a fan of the inspirational quote

aren't you yeah you are okay a chunk of your posts on instagram and twitter are like inspirational quotes fair to say and that's how you're gonna get done now i've done material in the past about like inspirational quotes being a bit stupid yeah i don't know you've taken piss out of mine i do text you sometimes don't i and go this one's a bit daft so like i i had a thing a joke about like people will believe anything as long as it's written on a sunset you don't even try and trick people that yours are just white background you let the words you let the words stand for what they stand for times new New Roman. Microsoft Word. Keep it simple. I mean, Twitter font is hell better than you if we're talking fonts. I'm sorry.

Do you believe in the quotes you post? Yeah. Yeah, okay, good. Pretty much. Do you write them? Or do you just sort of retweet them? I'm pleading the 50th because I don't want to walk into a trap

because I feel like that's where this is going. So what I've done is... I don't even know. I have the right not to incriminate myself. You do. I've got a list of inspirational quotes. Now, some of them are yours and at least one of them I've made up.

Okay. At least one. Yeah. Right? So I'm going to read them out. I want you to tell us whether you think you posted them or not and then what it means okay is that okay okay okay I just want to see whether you can tell the bullshit from the really meaningful stuff and

I'm gonna read them how I read them when when you post them okay okay so I've gone back like three years on your Instagram for fuck's sake so I just thought this would be that funny right you ready so we'll start with this one we all eat lies when our hearts are hungry i did not post that you did it wasn't what i wrote though i might have i might have screenshotted from somewhere else that's not one that i actually think that was one of your tweet ones was it i think so these are from ages ago though i just think that's them that's not one i told you on the way here he was like he was like she'll get them all and i was like she won't i guarantee she won't this is so much fun so i can't wait to try and work it out now now that i know what the sort of standard is of what you're reposting, I'm really intrigued to see the ones that Adam's tried to make up,

like, Jews are all right. Did you say it? There's no bad relationships. They're all preparing you to appreciate the real thing when it arrives. And sis, it will arrive. Enjoy the dick on route. I feel like I really like that and I want to post that

did you make that one up I want you to take a guess what do you think I think you made that one up I did make that one up you can have it though yeah send me it I'm going to post that enjoy the dick on route that's the one that got me

because I was like yeah that's me dick on route that's Adam the one that got me because I was like, yeah, that's me, that's me, that's me. Dick on Ruth, that's Adam. Oh my God. You're actually good at these. You're 0-2 here. No, she's 1-0. She got that one.

She said I made that one up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Okay. 1-0, sorry. If we fuck, then you like my mate's selfie and you don't like mine.

Be prepared for me to shag your dad. Okay, I definitely did not write that one okay no i didn't i didn't post that you don't think you posted it are you sure yeah you didn't i mean that doesn't seem like a very me thing if yours get more aggressive i don't know where this is ended up on a slow day when i was looking for content to post i might have been oh this is so much fun i'm sorry lately i've been replacing why is this happening to me to what is this trying to teach me yeah and everything around me changed yeah that's one of our posts are definitely that's one of yours it is one of yours yeah i'm gonna next this next one

i'm gonna ask carl and dan to see whether have you seen any of these nope no no okay so i'm gonna ask them first and then you can say whether you think okay okay okay so we all have issues because we all have a story. The voice. And no matter how much work you've done on yourself, we all snap back sometimes. So be easy on you. Growth is a dance, not a light switch.

No, that's not you. You don't think that's her? No, no, no, I think that's her. I don't think that's you. Okay. Because your last one was like, I'll fuck dad are they not all sexual right i think that's steph yeah we think it's steph i think i i didn't write that one but i think i have posted that one you have i agree it really made me laugh isn't linear gross is a dance i didn't write it i didn't write that i just

posted that can i just say the reason i went with steph is because i don't know all of steph's stuff but i couldn't see you going right hang on growth is a dance i just couldn't imagine you typing like switch up especially when you've just gone i'll fuck your dad okay men are like trees They can be pretty They're fun to climb on And without them The human race would die out But they're a nightmare

To look after They can block your view If you get too close And fall on for one Might kill you That's you You reckon? Yeah

No I think that's you I've told you what this one is I don't know the answer to this one So you think it's me Read it again No I think it's you the answer to this one So you think it's me Read it again No I think it's you You think it's me and you think it's Steph Men are like trees

They can be pretty They're fun to climb on And without them the human race would die out But they're a nightmare to look after They can block your view if you get too close And falling for one might kill you I don't think that's you I think that's Steph

It is me I really wanted to get you with that one you know I thought that would have been dead funny I just in my head I'm like can I imagine you being that creative and like what think of trees think of trees but apparently I've underestimated you I've never done a tree meme. Okay, so there's a couple more. And then we'll move on. Life isn't a hill.

It's bigger than that. It's a mountain. It's yours. I'd wait to buy one of you. Life isn't a hill. It's bigger than that. It's a mountain it's mostly uphill but there's ups and downs

on the way if you get to the top embrace it because it's always harder on the way down especially because you can still see people on their way up

no that's not me you don't think so? no honestly you've lost me now I don't I'm not sure if I know that's all that matters is things that you can't tell I'm starting to be like I thought I had you've lost me now I don't I'm not sure if I know I'm not sure I'm starting to be like I thought I had you figured out but because you got me on the last one I'm like he has got a

creative little gentle side don't uh that was you no no it wasn't I'm joking it wasn't you can't change the people around you but you can change the people around you yeah that was mine 100% you can't what you can't change the people around you but you can change the people around you yeah that was mine 100 you can't what you can't change the people around you but you can change the people around you that's mine i thought you'd misread it you can't change the people around you if you'd like me to explain yeah do you want to explain do you melt dicks what i felt like yeah but you don't right so if i was hanging around with you and you were like horrible people I can't change this

but I can change the people that I hang around with yeah yeah yeah yeah do you know what I mean now I get it do you get it

yeah I felt thick initially yeah so you can't change the people around you but you can change

the people around you you can change the people who you are around what about family though oh fuck them oh Steph

give me a little round of applause I'll tell you what though you did so much better than that than I hoped you would yeah yeah

that was really good I can see you like your little your evil laugh the whole way through you're just like nah I've got a I've got a round for you

I love it when Adam's buzzing on something he's like it's really fun you alright where you going I've got a round for you. I love it when Adam's buzzing on something. He's like... It's really fun. You all right? Where are you going? I've got a little light bulb blown.

It's annoying, isn't it? Yeah. Very, very annoying. Light bulb blown. So we're going to start the episode again. So have you ever worked in a bank? Great banter. So one of our most popular features is just... Do that again. One of our most popular features is just do that again one of our most popular feet

this podcast is going great now lights are blowing you've got wind uh like a podcast is like a burp you've just got to just do it and get over it what do you say you've got a really weird bear yeah what's wrong with it sounds like brian verdonte can you make yourself bad that sounds like a sign what sounds like a funny fart does sound like a funny fart i think that's one of the funniest sounds I love it when the podcast go weird weird broadcast bright burn off i don't know what's happening i don't know but you've had a stroke and this is what it looks like right with the would you rathers the key is and i live by

live and die by this you can never be like what's the point you've got to live the truth live the reality okay so these these are one of the most popular things that our listeners send in. Okay. Send them in via Instagram, haveawaypod.gmail.com. If you're listening, get them in and we will do some. Have a word, stupid questions and would you rathers. Yeah. Yeah.

So two options, got to pick one. No backing out. How disgusting are we going here? They're not that bad no there's not there's not even a really bad one I've told you

I won't talk about scath yeah you won't talk about eating shit just getting on your knees to the toilet bowl and sniffing it to test your sense

I'll sniff it I won't lick it I'm not an animal so would you rather be able to remember absolutely everything every time you get hammered

or never to be able to remember a single thing even if you only have the smallest bit of ale? So like half a shandy and your memory's gone till the next day or you can get blitzed and you remember every second in vivid detail? I'd rather remember every second in vivid detail because I am that friend. I am that friend who does remember everything in vivid detail. And the next day I'm like that going, do you remember last night when you did shut up stuff?

And I'm like, yeah, but it was really funny because shut up. I don't want to know. Let me play the video. Do you agree? Are you good at? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're both absolutely fucking mental

what the best anecdotes like night house remember when you were a prick that's the funniest bit of the night house the best anecdotes from a night house

like some of the things I've done that he's had to tell me the next day and I'm glad I haven't got the video to play in my own head

and I've just got the story because then I can detach myself from it and be like oh that happened to me when I was drunk I don't want to oh no

do you ever do anything when you're absolutely hammered that you just hate forever I mean yeah but it's like it's part of life isn't it

it's part of your experience but you can choose it not to be nah it doesn't make it not happen you still happened also it'd be fairly dangerous

for a woman for anyone wouldn't it, to be like, I've had half a shandy, I've got no memory. Oh, I'll probably stop drinking half a shandy then. You're not, like, drunk. No, but you can't remember anything. You just get one sniff of a fucking lager top, and you're like...

And absolutely blackout now. I, there's, also, I just, like, there's so many chats where, at the time, I'm'm like this is a fucking great conversation yes i'm loving this bullshit and then the next day like what was that chat about i'd like to actually remember that sort of this is that's why i like drugs because you have the energy of like oh i'm talking shit but you remember it it's sort of like chat wise i don't like clubbing and dancing is one thing but I love that slightly fucked and having the most intense chat,

but then you actually remember it. I've never experienced that. Okay, well. Yeah, I just, I mean, I'm a blackout guy. You just like getting blackout drunk. No, I don't. I don't really like getting hammered anymore because I just don't like the next day.

I don't like the feeling of being drunk and being out. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe i do want to remember it anyway um it's a good one though it's a good challenge but you thought that would be more contentious and we both went yeah yeah i did i thought i was going to get yours and i fucking never and i pissed off um would you rather this is funny okay this came via Instagram. Would you rather have to sing Grease Lightning in its entirety at the top of your voice every time you have a wee? Mm-hmm. Or you have to hum it under your breath all day, every day, whenever you're not talking. You can never explain either of them to anyone, even your closest friends and family.

So your best mate could be like, Steph, you were in the cubicle next to me or the same one like girls do and you were just screaming grease lightning why was that and you just have to like walk away you can't explain why would you pick grease lightning i didn't write the questions i can't tell you the degree to which my friends are mentally ill I would rather sing it while I was having a wee shouting it though yeah and people

da da da da da da da the grease lightning even if you just need a little wee yeah aren't you but you get annoyed about like whistling

so the humming thing. Imagine having someone just humming it and no one would even want to be amazed. Have you ever hummed during sex? What time was that? No, listen, right? The reason why I asked for grease lightening is because once I was, you know,

doing the nasty. Boning, Scott. Yeah, riding. Riding? Riding the D wave. I was, you know, doing the nasty. Boning, Scott. Yeah, riding. Riding? Riding the D-Wave. And I had my Alexa on. You shuffle.

I was just getting into it, and Grease Lightning came on. And I remember thinking, this is really fucking weird. But neither of us said anything until after. But you still bonked? Yeah, I mean, we carried on you know you didn't the tempo went off that is so funny the shaggy bent over the desk

like I never ever thought I'd write a dick to Grease Lightning I'm not gonna lie and he was laughing and I was laughing it was just

one of those things like both of us kind of knew it was really fucking weird but neither of us mentioned it until afterwards

what's the worst song you can think of to come on on the Alexa when you're like mid-bang and building up to the fucking good stuff just all of a sudden alexa pops up harpy theme tune dmx where's the hood at where's the hood at if you're banging me that would would be, you know, the old snippage. Imagine timing it perfectly, though. You just get a certain size dick out.

Candle in the wind. Oh, yeah. Common thing in a Princess Diana. I mean, you know, we've all had a kink on a hangover. Oh, my God. Diana funeral wanks a bit much, innit? It seems to me that you live there. oh my god Diana funeral wanks a bit much innit and you've got flowers against the

wall like you've put in your own little mural at Kensington Palace yeah if there's a song that's coming on a dead princess and Elton John

are not the people you wanted to invoke in your head yeah but Adam thinks everyone's got every kink if you this is Adam's

theory with like pervs and kink no but everything you can conceive of Adam's like there's porn for that there's definitely that's a kink there is

there is I'm not saying everyone likes it no tell me something you think people don't have a kink and I will find it right now

Lucy Liu put on Twitter the other day that she got shagged by a ghost or something like that some nice story and I thought

oh my god I wonder if there's like a ghost section on Pornhub. There is. Right. There's a whole section for ghost porn. There isn't a Diana's funeral section on Pornhub. There isn't a Princess Diana.

Adam's gone into private browser mode. There isn't a Princess. The specific fantasy is Princess Diana's death in 1997. No one's cracking one out to that. Some royalists, there's some like Princess Diana's death in 1997 no one's cracking one out to that there's some royalists there's some like Princess Diana

super fans on like Facebook like they've got Facebook groups and that of course but do they masturbate to it

there isn't a Princess Diana section on Pornhub there will be next week unless it's on premium and you've got to pay for it

which would make sense Adam was like people there will be sweet I don't know how we mentioned it but coughing on dicks and Adam unless it's on premium and you've got to pay for it which would make sense adam was like people there will be sweet i don't know how we mentioned it but coughing on dicks and adam was like yeah there'll be some guy that's gone into a brothel that there's no man has ever asked a prostitute will you cough on my dick oh they definitely have come on dan yeah i get that you're like i don't get like in a brothel Going Could you cough on my dick

And she's like what There's people out there Like fart And stuff like that Farm scammers there Oh no that's not why We do our tricks Here scammer

We don't cough on a dick And that's it Sexy that isn't it I'm telling you The spittle hitting your helmet. Oh, God. Yeah, the force of the air as it's expelled. I understand the theory of people are into everything,

it gets weird in places. I'm just not sure just a cough on a dick is everyone's like, that's my thing. I mean, I'm sure it wouldn't just be the cough on the dick, but I'm sure that would add to, like, excitement. What's your weird thing? Have you got a weird thing? I'm into big kn't just be the cough on the dick but I'm sure that would add to like excitement and what's your weird thing have you got a weird thing I'm into big knickers at the moment I mean

I'm not talking about my sexual kinks did you see that have a word we have did you see the did you see the have a word I feel like we've tripped up on it naturally we had a word from a listener who's basically, thinks she's got a weird thing for bad teeth.

Right. Go for it if you want. Right. Ori, Ahmed and Dita, they say our names wrong on purpose. I'm a happily married mother from the northeast of England and I live near the Metro Centre. Metro Centre. Very well done.

I need you to have a word with me. I recently realised I have an odd he's looking for porn he's literally I saw it in my periphery he's scrolling through porn he's looking for

he's dying to see someone cough on a dick no context I've word I recently realised I have an odd fetish for men with slightly crooked or uneven teeth

not minging teeth just ones with a slight imperfection This realization came to me and I saw the pic for one of the recent pods and caught myself looking at Dan's teeth Beautiful and white but slightly uneven at the bottom. That's just this is harsh. I thought that's fit See, I'm Tony because it's a compliment and a dig that's for the same. They like your teeth No, they're saying I've got fucking uneven teeth that are crooked, but she likes it.

I realise Dan isn't... Such a neg, that, innit? I realise Dan isn't disgusting looking. A solid 6.5 out of 10. Thanks for that fucking.5. But I also can see that he resembles a noncey, Ade Edmondson. So it got me thinking about why I suddenly fancied him.

I journeyed back through my back catalogue of weird crushes. Right, this video is called Cough and Fetish 7. Now I can't find the first six, but I'm guaranteeing it. Let me finish this. Weird crushes, and they all had one thing in common. Uneven, crooked, snaggled teeth. Harsh. No matter how vile the person, I just love a snaggled tooth.

What an absolute weirdo I am. So, my husband has beautifully perfect teeth, and this is why i need you to have a word with me before i start some snaggle fetish club and get divorced that's a she just wants to shag someone else that's from claire and she's looking for the opposite of what she's got she so her husband's got a bit of strange well first of all thanks for the teeth dig and compliment at the same time i I don't think your teeth are bad. Thank you.

I've got a thing for big noses. There you go. That's what I was talking about before. You were like, I'm not talking about me. I thought you were talking about being tied up and calling someone daddy. I mean, like. Okay. Mama like that.

Mama like that. I'm not getting into that, but you know. Okay. But you like big noses? Love big noses. Why? That gave me a sweat. I don't know.

But like Adrian Brody. Oh, that's that gave me sweat i don't know but like adrian brody oh that's a big i know me adrian brody is he the one from king kong like a tree yeah he's in peaky blinders he's in like the pianist right the pianist pianist um layer yeah pianist have you had a fantasy about him shagging you on that piano it wasn't yeah what is it about the nose Alan Rickman Alan Rickman ask the sheriff

of Nottingham though oh right yeah or ask Snape right you like bad people don't you I like bad Alan Rickman like baddies

do you fancy the Joker he hasn't got a big nose though has he he hasn't is that a deal breaker is it yeah I need them to have a big nose and do you want them to do something

with the nose or is it just the fact they've got it i mean i don't know whether it affects technique when you're that it's just an extra it depends what you appendage to sorry like i really like a big nose what about the penis size not bothered but i need a fucking nine inch nose a nine inch nose yeah i'm having a fucking pinocchio wang tonight lads it's like them ones from the freaking raccoons isn't it wide nose nah it has to be like long and thin nose yeah i can't believe we did a raccoons reference Cyril Sneer is like my ideal man

he's bad he's got yellow fucking teeth Cyril Sneer he's got a tap nose yeah he's got bad teeth mate your internet will shut you off

if you look for porn and then the raccoons in three seconds google a bit this guy's oh I see you're gonna get people

banging the door down oh really like a big nose like that like an anteater yeah yeah that'll do but Adrian Brody's like

he's the number one such a weird one because he's not classically good looking you can keep is it Cillian Murphy or Cillian Murphy Cillian Murphy isn't it

yeah it's Cillian Cillian is it it needs to be I love that clip of him when he's talking about his kids you can keep him but I'd have Adrian Brody the mafia boss right have you seen that video Cillian Murphy is it? It needs to be I love that clip of him when he's talking about his kids you can keep him but as I've aged

in Rosie the mafia boss have you seen that video Killian Murphy talking about his kids on like an Irish chat show it's like

it was just they just passed like homosexuality is not a crime or whatever in Ireland and he gets asked like what do you think about your kids

growing up in a world where that's now legal or whatever and he goes I don't care if they're gay or straight or whatever as long as they're not

goths that's a good lie i was a goth no you weren't i was you were a goth did you not know that about me oh i've just remembered the photo yeah you were jade was a goth as well scouse goth and then your facebook got hacked and you had to fucking change it all up i'm talking like when i was 16 but like i went to k when i was like obviously i used to because then i like wear fake tan and that now i used to put talc on my face for school to make me skin whiter how much how much fucking talc were you using to cover your face just like face powder. When did you go to school, the Elizabethan era? Wow.

Talk. Yeah, he'd like to just make me face paler. That's what Michael Jackson did. Give it more of like a death pallor. Every morning, just a big bag of talk. Like Scarface. Is this your Michael Jackson impression? Yeah, I'm putting talking powder on my face. It's one of these impressions that you've got no business doing.

That's it. She's just a girl like us. Target powder. Put it on my tuppence. Put it on my goochie after the swimming baths. He never went to the leisure centre, did he? He's a hair bit from Family Guy. Michael Jackson never went down the never went to the leisure centre, did he? Sounds like Herbert from Family Guy. Michael Jackson never went down the YMCA for a swim, did he?

For a swim. I'm doing that thing where I'm really hungry and I'm going weird. In fact, if we get hungry on the pod, you're like all over the show. You're like, ugh. Okay, before we lock it off, I've got to have a weird submission that I would just love To get a female perspective on

Okay Can I play the music You can't hear it It's time for Have a word With Adam and Dan Tell us all the problems Have a different

Sorry Sorry Right So This was sent via Instagram And it got sent the other day I think it's important That we get this one out quickly

And it's just great that we have someone who can offer a thing that maybe me and Dan can't. So, Dear Ali Baba and Dean. Fucking creative on that, isn't it? I need you to have a word

with my friend whose name I'll omit because he's an avid fan of the podcast. Ooh, Jesus. Hi, you. Getting subtweeters on a podcast? Hello? I heard on a podcast Hello

I heard on a recent episode that Adam mentioned one of his schoolmates Was bullied for only having one testy It's true One of my mates at school only had one ball Because he got volleyed in the ball and it had to get cut off So He said he will omit his mates name And then use it in this sentence

Bullied for only having one testy Well my mate was the same. He got an infection down there, and when he was dead young, the doctors decided the best thing to do was turn a bike into a unicycle, if you know what I mean. Jesus Christ. Yeah, we know what you mean. What a euphemism.

We know what you mean. He's been going out with this girl for a month now, and she's made him wait eight dates before they do anything sexual. She's a nader. The other night was date number seven and he's proper excited for number eight next week. The problem is he hasn't told her about his 50% off situation.

The only other girls he's slept with either went to our school and knew about this already because his nickname was literally only one Kenobi. I love that. That's amazing. That's very well done though, isn't it? So he's only slept with them

and one night stands where everyone's pissed and the person he's took home probably can't tell a difference. I mean, well, let's just say side note. If a girl can't tell a difference

between one ball and two, maybe you should leave her in the club. What's she doing? Checking though. Right, condom. Right, let's have your pants off. Maybe you should leave her in the club. What's she doing? Checking, though. Right. Condom. Right.

Let's have your pants off. Reaching under. Cough for me. I don't think anyone gives a shit. I thought you said you didn't think of coughing fetishes. Schooled. I keep trying to tell him that he needs to tell her for so many reasons. It's not like he hasn't had ample opportunity.

I'm right, aren't I? Have a word. Love love the pod even if you disagree with me from steven so steph essentially what i want to know from a female perspective is if you were seeing a lad for a month and you've made him wait and you're finally getting ready to do the deed and he whips out a one bollock hitler situation yeah yeah uh a dick with a tash Are you going to be arsed And would you have some warning No That's just

To be honest the balls aren't that important To the females They're in the way if anything aren't they Yeah exactly you know you give them a little tickle You maybe I mean it'll be easier to get it in your mouth if anything. Are you a ball in the mouth?

I'm not a big fan of the balls in the mouth. I'm really not. I don't think that should happen. It's dangerous. You can't leave the balls out.

No, I don't mind a little bit of a, you know. Do you mean you can't leave them out? Are you saying you put the balls in with the dick? No, I mean like, you can't leave them out of the whole experience. No, we don't mind a little bit of a, you know. Do you mean you can't leave them out? Are you saying you put the balls in with the dick?

No, I mean, like, you can't leave them out of the whole experience, you know. No, we don't have to buy it once. They don't have to go in. That's what I'm saying. But they can do. But if you've only got one, you don't want a girl putting balls in your mouth. Because if she breathes in. What, it's going down your throat? Honestly, the other ones are safe.

How much of a screw-all sack is this? I know. Can you imagine choking a girl and your balls trapped in the windpipe? How long are your bags? I'm old now. They're getting old. Is there anything

you would like worn them for? Like, you know, if you had like a tiny dick or a weird shape, odd colour. Yeah, I'd need worn them

because that's the sort of thing that you need to kind of prepare your... Not bothered face. Yeah, you need to kind of prepare your not bothered face yeah you need to prepare like yeah exactly

so you don't go what the fuck you don't go you need to be it's like you know like the Oscars where like they're all nominated

and then the person wins and then they pan to the losers and they're all like oh yeah I'm so pleased about this you need to sort of practice that face that's so fucking true yeah how small just i'm asking for a friend how small is small stuff

just between you and me we'll do how small small we would always prefer girth speaking for womankind totally but what if you haven't got either? I mean, I'm not going to lie. Give me a length. I almost lost my virginity to someone and couldn't because What? It was too small?

Yeah, he couldn't keep the condom on because it was that small. It was like the length and girth of like half a tinned hot dog. So I've never been able to look at a can of ye olde oak again.

Like a finger? Yeah. You couldn't keep a condom on your finger, could you? A little Cadbury's finger. Do you remember that our mate told us he fingered someone

with a condom on? We won't name him. Why not? Has that just come back to you? In meat? Yeah, remember meat in town? Oh God, you'd want to wear a condom on your finger there, wouldn't you?

He'd come back from the dance, and this is like we'd never really seen him in my cares. I mean, I used to go there all the time, but it was full of wrong-uns. Read into that what you will. He'd come back to us, we'd lost him for like an hour, and we were like, where have you been?

And he was like, I've just fingered some babe. And he had like a condom in his hand and we were like what's that for and he was like I put a condom on and we were like you don't put a condom on

just to do a bit of fingering weren't you fucking lying you do yeah it wasn't can I just say that guy if he

unless he's got a beard that sniffs his fingers oh fucking oh god oh god he's not cheating I'm so glad that was you that said that.

I mean, he didn't have a beard, but that is stealth, that, innit? It's mad that your brain even went there. Yeah, but by the way... Have you ever done that? You fellas coming in, you're going, come here, let me smell your dick, your fingers, and your neck.

Let me sniff your dick, mate. Yeah, but if she smells... Let me sniff your dick. I think I've got COVID. If she smells... No, but, like, it's sort of an interest for you, because that is apparently, like, an evolutional thing. I think I've got COVID. If she smells. It's sort of an interest for you because that is apparently like an evolutional thing.

That's like what oral sex is all about. That's why there's smells and things like that down there, like natural smells because it's like an evolutionary thing to detect if there's infidelity. If you can smell another man's skin.

Either you've been faithful or I am very sick. Stop the pod honestly I'm reading a book at the moment but it's called the history of sex and there's all like different like chaps on it and that was one of the things like oral sex part of the whole why you should keep your natural smells and that

it's an evolution thing A to turn each other on but B it's also to detect infidelity there's like 8 points of like with DNA and what you're attracted to it's like a is it not a hexagon what's a an octagon so ideally in terms of attraction you want to meet someone that's at the opposite side of the octagon if you like your sister your brother or whatever has exactly the same dna as you that's why their smell their natural smell

is unattractive yeah you're like if I sleep on a at my sister's house if I like stay in her spare room she's like oh god I had to change that because I went for a nap

while I could smell your smell on the and it's because it's a natural thing you want to meet someone that's on the opposite side

yeah so you need your natural smells to sort of give off that like not pheromones and everything but it's the natural oh that's interesting there you need your natural smells to sort of give off that like not pheromones and everything but it's not natural oh it's interesting there you go and it extends to fingers does it funny and interesting from me i'm like the perfect guess yeah well that's what ideally finger on the condom what if your finger smelt of like condom though that's still gonna

be a bit of a red flag and it's a psycho girlfriend hand sanitizer he's blaming on that i think he used a strawberry one so he probably was like keeping eating strawberries the fuck are you doing using a finger in strawberries or eating them oh yeah yeah there's something wrong

with you you know there's really something missing yeah but there's a porn in it strawberry fingering try and find it oh no that's right

it doesn't exist there's definitely going to be fruit porn not strawberry fingering I've put strawberry porn and There's definitely going to be fruit porn. Not strawberry fingering. I've put strawberry porn and it's corrected to strawberry porn star martini. Is there anything weird that's ever happened like the first time you've got with a guy

and you've been like, I can't handle that, like where you haven't been warned? I'm just wondering, because I do want to answer this. Just that one. I think that's at that time. the little tiny willie yeah because it's you've never had a man like cry after it or scream yippee as he comes or anything like that what no just i'm just trying to imagine the worst thing you could say the worst thing you could say at the point of orgasm to ruin a first date like you are someone said liquor no

that's what you've just said no i said wicked oh right it's like from bo selector from years ago like wicked just at the point of orgasm just like what do you think the worst thing champion the worst one word a man or a woman could say as they finish squelch oh no because that that's just a sound and i mean like a word i don't think any girl would be happy if you said that if you just went in her ear squelch especially if she was an everton fan she'd be fucking fuming Disappointing As the Disappointing Yeah if you If you make it like Frumpy Disappointing

Frumpy Fromage frais I did once say that after sex The first thing I said after sex It was like Oh I fancy a bowl of cornflakes And that young lady was not impressed I mean You need to get your stamina back up fancy a bowl of cornflakes. And that young lady was not impressed.

I mean, you need to get your stamina back up. Get the sugar back in for round two, and you can actually finish her off. But how small is small, though, penis-wise? You know what we were talking about before? I mean, that one's the smallest I've ever seen. What are we talking length for? Like a finger. Like a finger?

Like Carl's finger? He's got the longest fingers. Yeah. That's a good sized finger I'll see you later Carl You know what they say About long fingers Yeah Really helpful

For robbing banks Boss of granola money Great at directions You want to go that way? What was that? That noise That you just made? Got a weird laugh? Fucking.

You're fucking. What did you do when you got the little sausage finger dick out? Did you just go? I just played dead. You played dead? Now there's definitely porn about that. 100%. Playing dead porn. I'm going to sleep. Played dead. Dead That's great No there's definitely There's definitely porn About that 100% Plain dead porn

I've seen it I'm going to sleep Played dead Were you already Lying down Just stood in the kitchen Just stood in the kitchen I was quite

I was quite drunk Pretend you had a nanny Is it Just to get out of sex Yeah You've never had like a One night stand Have you Serial monogamist not even in japan i was

with my girlfriend in japan so i've been even harder yeah she's sniffing everything won't you yeah i keep it in my cupboard so i can't do much your dick on my bed i thought you meant your dick i thought that as well like oh can you get different ones for different occasions? That's what I thought he meant. Like, where's my dick? I left it in the kitchen cupboard. You've moved my dick again. Honestly, I just want one place for the car keys and the dicks.

Where would you keep it though? The fridge or the cupboard? So you've got to go high because you don't want your daughter walking around with your dick, do you? If your kids find your dick, that's a fucking awkward moment. You show your kids your dick all the time? When you detach a collar, is it hard or soft? Stop the fucking part.

I've got attachments, I've got modes. I don't show my child my dick. I am naked in front of my child sometimes. If you word it like that, it sounds fucking awful. It sounds like I'm going, come here, love, come here, I i'm showing you something i'm just naked in front of my kids sometimes you know because we're a family and that's what happens steph back me up sometimes there's nudity in the house he's like he's fucking never seen my dad's dick right that's a new law isn't it for the pod good i've never ever ever seen my dad but now you're 28 i don't think that should happen i'm talking historically i

think probably especially with like girls and that i think we're taught from a very early age to be sort of ashamed of our bodies and things like that so i don't know i suppose i'm just trying to teach kora that like nudity is like you know normal and bodies are normal and trying to be both yeah it's like trying to be positive about it laura read somebody she wants to become a nudist one of those people who ride bikes with their fucking arse out on there. I don't judge anyone if that's what she wants to do with her life. Really? Yeah. You'd just be okay with that?

I mean, when she's over... I hope she sees this podcast at 16 and she's trying to rebel. When she's an adult, she can do what she wants. Yeah. What if your daughter wants to be a nudist? Literally, as long as she's not a dick to me, she can be whatever she wants. We all have body autonomy.

I honestly, I watch her flirt with her next door neighbour who's 15 and I'm like, you're going to be a fucking nightmare. I'm almost preparing myself. She's three. I'm not joking. He comes out and she goes, I can see it in her.

She goes, hi Aaron. She does her face. I'm like, oh my God, you're going to be a fucking nightmare. You're three and a half and you're flirting. I'm almost psychologically getting myself all right with her being a stripper. I'm like, just get ready. Can't be like, I can't believe this.

Just get Aaron in a headlock. I'm just going to, I'm just, I think you've got to be with your kids. I'm not an expert. You've got to let them be what the fuck they're going to be and just be there to support them and hope they're not a murderer. On the subject of strippers me and jade were talking the other day right just i don't want to waste the opportunity for a female's perspective in this you know so

i i was saying like she she mentioned about like if i ever have a stag do where i would go what i would do and whatever and we were watching a program and that's where the conversation would come from because they were on a stag do and there was a stripper there and she was like if you go to a stripper's on your stag do that's fine but it's better be

a no touching one you're not touching a fucking vagina or a boob or anything like that and I was like okay Sam can you cough on it

and she was like I don't she said I'm going to have to have two hen do's like one just for me friends in case they want to get me something like that

because I can't have that in front of me nan and my mom and that and i was like and she was like and also like i was like it'd be fine no she was like i suppose it wouldn't be bad because the male ones don't take the pants off do they and i was like the absolute they're called strippers for a reason yeah i was like yeah i went to if you touch a stripper's dick if you slap it about a bit i'm not going to be upset by that that'd be the funniest thing in the world to me if you just like don't suck him off

but if you could just if you bang it about flick his balls that's never going to upset me is that are you allowed to do that on a male stripper

oh yeah have you ever seen a male stripper I don't think you're allowed to I think you're allowed to like touch the bum on that slap it about and flick his balls no not the anal

not the anal cavity or anything just the cheek not the what the anal cavity or anything Not the what? The anal cavity Alright, thanks Dr. Steph Dr. Steph is listening today She's going to tell us what a male stripper is No, I haven't

But I would like to know if you can request a helicopter Because I do think when a man helicopters his dick It's the funniest thing ever See, mine is like a hand fan Have you ever seen On a remote control uh motorboat there's a little fucking thing at the back a little yeah that's mine what shows i call b52 shut up you fucking sensei nonce have you ever been to a male stripper no no no no i mean i've watched magic mike but that's the same is it you didn't get his dick out of watching magic mike no and also like i think

all male strippers would just pale in comparison to that once you've seen like matthew mcconaughey also what you're spending what you're spending because you need to go you like in comedy have you seen comedy yeah i've seen mickey flanagan Adam Rowe if you don't spend any money you're an open spot is there open spot male strippers what like unpaid

for the experience he needs stage time that's the problem it's like women don't need to pay money to see a man's dick yeah we just don't need it

you can just ask we don't even have to ask they just come in the DMs every now and again go here's the dick does that happen a lot to you do you know what it doesn't happen a lot to me and I think you're upset by it no no i just do you know what it

sounds like and i'm not trying to big myself up here or anything like that but what i mostly get is marriage proposals and invitations to dinner but then occasionally i do get a dick pic they're quite respectful all three at once classy lady do you ever get all three From the same guy at once Here's me dick Here's the reservation We're getting married Next Tuesday No there's different types

Not all in one fucking email I've had a few marriage proposals Three attachments on this one I just get people saying I've got a snaggle tooth And I look alright Oh that's going to bother you For ages that isn't it

Adult braces Dan 6.5 I used to be beautiful Steph Looked like Mowgli What and I look alright oh that's gonna bother you for ages that innit adult braces tan 6.5 I used to be beautiful Steph I look like Mowgli what you're obsessed with Mowgli Mowgli do you think there's

there's a jungle book yeah do you think there's jungle book there definitely is 100% there's Disney porn there's definitely now I'm the king

of the swingers yeah the jungle VIP I've sucked a dick I've bombed a cavity, and that's what's bothering me. I've lost my mind. Oh, me too. Yeah, there's Defo. Defo, some of that.

Shall we wrap it up? Because we've done an hour and a half, and we haven't done Arbit yet, which is an hour and a half. We are dead hungry as well. We've got a song. It's by the Dead Kings. We play a song out at the end of the pod,

just on the audio version. But on the YouTube, we could still play the song. We'd just have to have a little word screen, couldn't we? No, that'll look dreadful. We shouldn't do that. On the audio, we play a song out. These might be some of the last songs then, because it doesn't really work if it's not on the tube.

No, it'll still work. Still want to do it's not on the tube I think this no it'll still work still want to do it on the yeah I think so if you're watching on YouTube go and hawk out the dead kings

that awesome hip-hop act and we're playing we've played a few of their songs before the song on the audio podcast is dead kings featuring

tech the super latin profit and 420 and the song's called The Beat and it's produced by Wurzel I've got to say all that I've been told by one of my hip hop aficionados

you've got to say who it's produced by but he's called himself W-R-Z-L Wurzel yeah he's called Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel

Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel

Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel

Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel

Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel

Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel

Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel

Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel

Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel Wurzel uh checked out the dead kings the beat thanks for coming on steph it's been awesome thanks very much for coming on thanks for having me i've had a good afternoon it's been fun on it um where can we get your stuff again tell them the shop scousebirdshop.com and where is it in crosby yeah in crosby village opposite the home bargain crosby village opposite the home and bargain so google where the home and bargain is head to there look over the road you'll see my head on on the shop and who's it for? People who hate Tories and like cleaning?

Yeah, if you like cleaning and you hate Tories, you will love my shop. Sweet. It's definitely been awesome. I've loved that. You've been a boss,

hasn't it? It's been a really good episode. I'll edit the bit out where you were doing all the racist stuff about the Jews and the slaves and stuff. And other than that,

I think it's going to be a really good episode. Fucking prick. Thanks for coming in the slaves and stuff. And other than that, I think it's going to be a really good episode. Fucking prick. Thanks for coming in. See you later. And now, you are going to dance like you've never danced before. Get the fuck out of my face. This is a journey into sound.

So pretty please, with sugar on top. I'm expecting some new style soon. If you don't know what ghetto style means by now I guess I'm just gonna have to break it down for you Hello sir, madam Welcome to the world of design fueled madmen Dead kings firing indecision A decadence takes it all

Obesity, flus, just abuse of them I crawl smarts and nicotine, black hearts drop so bittersweet It's a bigger scene than ego, with one moment's craving We either provide for one another or compete to be the best queer Time for me to make a fucking statement in eight bars Spit what I'm thinking, create and I'ma blaze hard And me and dead kings, yeah we be killing it Militant, and yeah that flow's a legitimate

We practice every day and at a show we exhibit em So get to know, yeah we roll with an infinite style And the flows that we hold are just brilliant So get to know, we be winning, yeah I come heavy on the track, you shoulda known that My 8 bar go haywire, no superstar but I own that Rap muscles stay flexed, I tone that This ain't no magic market nursery, shit I ask to tone rap

Flow like hot summers but on point like a cold stack I eat these little wrappers like a six-count snack pack Throw your remains in a knapsack These new kids is all ass, I'm something like a Tic Tac Rap, rap, rap, rap This ain't a life preserver, we're throwing ya It's a ring of death in a circle of murderers These dead kings stroll with the Dead Sea Scrolls

This troll walks with dragons, spitting flames I put the surface to ya Reserved for the purpose of dousing your whole turf What was me? Where's the herbs? Some kind of pen? And my rosary beads? The Hex and the Dead Kings Is all the dystopia needs Me name ring like a tingling of knock ears Back to back with dead kings raised by some warriors

I turn a cipher to a massacre You're looking at a real, raw life Living wordsmith and bass in death I slap a challenge yet assassinate your character any day On the calendar, tongue spits, like a calibre profit to rip I am the amateur, follow the script, but I will damage it Mic check, one, two, profit track, savage it Bye.