Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #81 with Eshaan Akbar - IN STUDIO - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: August 17, 2020

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Oh, Jesus. Let me muscle again. Oh, Hercules, Hercules. Oh, you think darkness is your ally? Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? Don't chat to me. I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station.

Disgusting. Follow us on social media at Havawadpod. And don't forget to watch our very funny podcast videos on YouTube. Ja! They go by Alan and Dave, Aaron and Dean, Grandad and the Yeti, or even Chanel and Denise. But what's for sure is they are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Down your tub or shandy and tell a friend. This is Have a WAD. oh it's the podcast

you hadn't thought about what you were saying Oh, it's the podcast! You hadn't thought about what you were saying. Oh, it's the podcast! I try now. I don't know if you've noticed. I try and have something to say the second you press record. So I felt the need to say something, and then my brain went... Just on your own here bro just went really

ron seal with it welcome to two men talking on a video audio show so are we gonna be are we gonna be honest about the sort of chronology chronological order of how this was recorded yeah so today's guest which i if you're a regular listener of Have A Word, you'll now know is in the second half of the show. The first bit is just us two dickheads. It's Eshan Akbar. We recorded it about three, four days ago now. Three days ago.

And it's, I'll tell you now, right, it's probably the funniest episode. And I know that's a big thing to say 20 seconds into a podcast but it's probably the funniest episode we've ever done but if you are of a nervous disposition if you are easily upset by humor you want to skip this one this is genuinely when we went to this format and got the studio and started bringing guests in one of the conversations that we had was like oh we can't lose the the essence of what this podcast is it's why we do us in the first section and the guests in the second half i think one of the worries was it we might lose some of the funny with guests by the end of the eshan record on wednesday

i wanted eshan to be a part of this podcast forever i was like ah i think it needs to be we need another lid anyway it's coming uh in the second part of today's show oh my god it's so funny but you know what happened this morning i thought we were going to do a little bit of theater and pretend that it was all in sequence so i have dressed exactly as i was dressed on wednesday and you haven't well i thought about that but i was like i can't remember what i wore and i can't be arsed opening my laptop to find out that that is the only episode ever that i've not worn a hat for like don't i don't know what's happening. I don't know why I'm getting more, like, you know, comfortable with the nonce look after a few years of consistent hat wearing.

You look good bald, though. Thanks, babes. You do. But now it looks like... Would you ever get a toupee? No. No. But there's...

I wouldn't... I think they're advancing, aren't they? Yeah. Here's my problem with if you're bald. I think they're advancing, aren't they? Here's my problem with, if you're bald, I went bald at 23, whipped it off. And if, what are you looking for? What are you looking for? Something to put on your head. Your eyes. Your dangerous eyes.

I love it when he starts going like, oh. And there's only a blue cushion. In my head, I was like, there's got to be a wig somewhere. Oh, sorry. Let me just go into the wig room. I went bald at 23, and I was living with a comedian, Geordie comedian, Seymour Mace.

He was like my first comedian flatmate, and we had a bathroom light that was just right in front of the mirror, but it's dead standard. that was just right in front of the mirror but like it's dead standard we just moved in i was doing my hair that i had spiky and like now i look back and go holy shit i was going bald but i wasn't accepting it it was like really going and i i saw the outline of my scalp through my hair because of the light and i was like i just it was great because i made that decision that so many lads don't make i was like i'm done i know it i'm done so i'm fucking it's gone and i've never had hair since if at that point really good hair replacements were an option

i could have taken it but once you've done 17 years of bald imagine the fucking rinsing i would get if i turned up to the hot water dressing room you freddie paul smith binti fucking phil chapman and i walk in with a hello hello gentlemen have you noticed anything different about me I don't I never oh my god it's given me anxiety thinking about things that's an imaginary situation that's not

going to happen and I'm getting heart palpitations I reckon you'd get less shit for doing that than the time you turned up with a ukulele I fucking love that ukulele

do you know what it's funny and I never took it to hot water you fucker do you know what it's funny and i never took it to hot water you're fucking do you think the one time i just that was like that's my future is me playing ukulele at kids comedy like what colors do we like green that is the future when all this goes to shit oh do you know what's funny?

The other night, I actually made a note on my phone to talk to you about an advert on the telly. Because, like, we put adverts in our podcast. It's how we sort of pay to make this shit possible in part. And we try our best to make the adverts. You know, we're not advertisers. We're not actors. We're comedians. So maybe the adverts. You know, we're not advertisers. We're not actors. We're comedians.

So maybe the adverts seem a little bit clunky. Have you seen the advert with former cricketer, Australian cricketer, Shane Warne and his fucking mate for the hair transplant surgery? Oh, Jesus. It's like they just, both of them are like, we can only do one take today. They're trying to, they've tried to do it like it's a conversation

so me and you did the adverts to camera don't we we change it up we just this is what the advert is this is the product we only ever put adverts in

of products we like anyway hey and if you're watching them going ah this doesn't seem as relaxed as Dan and Adam usually are that's because we are absolutely not relaxed. I think next time we do a record for an advert,

we'll set up a second camera and we'll play you the 17 minutes of bullshit that it takes. Me desperately trying not to make him laugh. And then also just how annoying it is when you're trying to just say three sentences without fucking it up. But we have only just started doing that. We will get get better at it we'll get snappier at it shane warren's been doing bald adverts for a while though honey it's his mate there's a bit where so they're talking

about like the two different types of hair transplant you can get so one is like they just get they just get a bit of carpet and superglue to your head And the other one is called Strand by strand Where they literally like They put each individual hair on your head Until you've got a full head of hair But His mate goes

Yeah so I went to the surgery and I got The blah blah blah blah blah What about you? And he goes well for me it was strand by strand And then his maze, and I swear to God, this is the cadence, goes, well, whatever it takes for you, personally, right, Warnie?

I love the idea that Shane Warne only does one take. I look right, we just do one fucking take, because I'm fucking Shane Warne. Are you sure? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tomo's got it. Haven't you, Tomo?

Yes, Shane. I'm ready. Has he been in a car crash? Tomo's got major brain fucking injuries. It's so shit. And go, Tomo, Shane, go. All right, mate. Tomo's Shane, go. All right, mate. Tomo's like, yeah.

It's on like every half time during the footy. So I've been watching loads of like the Champions League games and stuff because they're doing one every night, aren't they? Right. And every half time, it's like the third advert in. And every time it comes on. Spend some money there then. It's not, that's high.

Like to buy adverts in that can't be cheap. You think they could have been like, Shane, Tom, we've got to just fucking spend a little bit of time. It's so fucking shit. I am a big believer in just own your big shiny bald head because fuck me, it's grim when everyone's pointing at the back of your head at a party. Once you've shaved it off, have you seen a video in hot water

where some guy lets me get about three minutes in and then goes, you're fucking bald! I'm like, woohoo! And it's the easiest thing to be like, mate, I've shaved it off, and now I'm bald, plus I'm wearing a hat. I'm trying to save you from the fucking visual of my big dick shaped head give me a break like as soon as you own it like it's fine like if anyone goes take your hat off i'll go yeah there it is like i'm not like i'm not like

oh my god they know i'm bald everyone knows i'm bald but it's the the guys who are like like gluing when you've got print sticking you're like big night tonight gotta get the hair ready when you fucking put pva glue on your fucking fringe little bit of sand i just make it look so natural you look fucking bad i i thought of you last night adam i thought of you um i i now it's not laura's fault but i do blame her we have got a new boiler the the old boiler where are you going with this yeah listen got a new boiler it's new can i just can i just rewind for a second tell you exactly what i've just heard because you you haven't heard yourself you've just gone adam i thought of you last night right i'm not gonna blame laura kind of her fault now

we've got a new boiler yeah let me let me let me tell the story i will explain everything i always think about you and you're sleeping don't always that's i'm okay now i'm qualifying everything you are famously like a fucking igloo sleeper aren't you you like it nice and cool room temperature yeah you sleep nude you've got frosty little balls yes yes now last we got this new boiler it's a combi boiler we don't know how to work it classic we've got it laura's like i've learned you've explained everything which is great it's going to be a really good boiler apparently there's a little controller with the temperature now if the batteries fall out or that turns off the boiler decides that um it's because the batteries are frozen and everyone's about to die so it puts the fucking central heating on to 43 degrees celsius i have never known anything like it last night was warm it was tit sweat warm we've got these fans for the studio i've bought one and

taken it home and propped it like you know when people have it in the corner of the room just wafting them gently mine is like next to me on my head. It was- Is that where mine is? On me bedside table? It was a warm night last night. I've got this just wafting to the side. I woke up just having some fucking weird dream, but it was like, I was like,

oh God, it is a warm night. Fuck me, it's gone warmer. The fan was doing that, you know, it like moves around the room. Oscillating. It oscillated towards me and i was like oh that's a relief and as it moved away even though i wasn't moving i was like come back it's so warm i was like fuck me oh god it's like must be tropical it's been warm recently anyway then my foot started feeling warm and then i touched the radiator fuck me it was roasting roasting i've never known anything like it on one of the warmest nights of the year

we've got our fucking central heating up to 30 so i was like oh god i don't know how to work it's laura's fault she fucking booked the boiler guy i'm the plumber so i'm i went and woke her i love wonder why you needed one she's in charge don't you do any of the housework yourself no we got a boiler boiler man a wrench guy a toolie guy toolie guy boxing man pipe a pipe king oh that sounds really camp laura calls me could you yeah yeah nice one that's why she died um yeah so i woke laura up with and just shouted about the heat and fuck me she she woke up like i was a murderer and even though i was i was like laura i was like laura murderers aren't gonna you up. That's not what murderers do.

Like, creep in your fucking house. I don't think that's true. Creep in your warm house and then go, darling, I'm going to stab you. I don't think that's true. What? Some, like, burglars or murderers will wake you up. Because, like, especially murderers,

it's part of their fantasy, isn't it, to watch, like, the life dream from your eyes. They don't just want to stab you in the head and fuck off. Do they not? They want to see you die. If you're already asleep and they just put a little silencer to your temple, they don't get the... They don't get the, I'm dead.

They just get more asleep. Yeah, but it sounds stupid. You might as well just leave them. Unless they're snoring they're like right fucking put you out of your misery but you know what i mean i think a murderer would have broken into our house last night done the lock or fucking jimmied the window and then stepped in reached leg over the window and then their fucking leg would have touched the radiator and then they'd have gone, fucking weird cunt sauna freaks, and then out.

But she literally, no, hang on. No, no, no. If you're coming in for murder, she reacted like I was there to kill her. I'm sure a murderer wouldn't go, darling. There's nothing. They might though.

Maybe they want like a family fantasy before they do the killing That's so dumb Some people are mental Yeah murderers aren't mental Exactly So they might be like Most murderers aren't mental

Most murderers are Hey come on Say what you want I've got a hobby I reckon most murderers aren't mental I reckon most murderers Happen out of necessity Like it's

Not like Because someone's lost it. It's like, he's in my way. I want that shit over there. Okay, like someone's taking half your podcast profits. The way you said that, like, it's because there's a reason for it. Okay.

No, but I reckon most, there is a reason for it. And then there's the mental ones who come in, wake you up, get in between you and Laura in the bed, and they're like, Daddy, Mummy, can we go to the park today and then you're like fuck are you doing here and then he's like please please can i have some cereal and then you're like get out me house and then he kills you right okay good that's fucking dark in it i love it how in that fantasy i like roll with it for a bit and don't jump out of bed like, hey, what are you doing here?

I don't know you. What are you doing here? Yes, you can stay for now until you explain yourself. What's that? How many times I told you? Knives out of the bed. No knives in bed. Have you ever had a burglar?

Have you ever had someone break in? We had a guy on drugs a couple years ago try and bash the back door in when i was at why does everything sound like innuendo in my head i need to get like try to bash the back doors in um he tried he was on drugs had he been at a party and then for some reason picked our not on drugs house to try and get into i was away that has made law i think that's what set laura off being a bit tetchy about break-ins but he wasn't trying to murder people i think he just needed a fucking a line yeah so no we've never i've never had a burglar or anything we never had a bit when i

lived at my dad's we never had a burglar but we did have an invasion so the french So, the... The French. Fucking hell. My dad's back garden backs onto a road, and there was this lad who was getting chased by a load of other lads, and he was trying to get away from them. Yeah. As tends to be the case in a chase. I think he'd done something wrong,

and they were trying to fucking attack him or whatever. So, he jumped into my dad's back garden. Yeah. My dad, no matter what the temperature is, has his back door open all the time. It's infuriating. It's one of the reasons I'm delighted I don't live there anymore. Okay. It's just constantly open all the time. I like getting cool in bed because you can warm yourself up.

When you're sat in the living room, nightmare. But this was in the summer anyway. And the guy who was just trying to get away, so he jumped in the back garden thinking, I'll get into that back garden, then I'll jump into another one and I'll get away. But our back door was open. So he wasn't planning for the fact that me and my dad

would both just be there waiting for him. And he shit himself, especially because I just got out the bath and all my clean t-shirts and shorts were near the washing machine downstairs so i came down just before he jumped into the back garden i'd come downstairs from the bathroom i had no top on just a pair of undies and one sock right and my dad was there and he was just about to change his t-shirt and my dad had no top on so this guy and because someone

jumped in the back garden and I thought it was going to be a burglar the first thing I did because I was in the kitchen near the washing machine looking for my clothes

the first thing I did was grab the biggest knife close to me so I got like a big bread knife right because bread it was just the biggest one I wanted to look intimidating

get out of here I just grabbed it and then ran to the patio door so this guy was confronted with I was heavier at the time as well a 16 stone fat scouser

with no no pants on no no top on. A bread knife. One sock. And his dad behind. It looked like snatch. Do you like dogs? Do you like fucking dogs?

Do you like bread? What did he say? Do you like croissants? What did he say? He's like, I'm just trying to get away from someone. Please don't hurt me. So we just let him walk through the house and let him out the front door. Oh, you fucking, you good shit.

Good on you. Yeah. I mean, he might have like shagged one of their birds or something. Maybe we were aiding and abetting a felon. You never, no, but what are you going to do? Is it a felon? Hang on, lads.

Hang on. Hang on. Hey, buddy. Put the bread knife down, right? Listen, we'll give you safe passage, but we're going to need to do some kind of fucking judgment here because you might be a non-speedo. I don't know.

You could have scratched someone's fucking Vauxhall Nova. Right, lads. Lads, we're over here. Come over the edge. Not all of you. Just two or three representatives. You sit on that side. You sit on that.

Now, put your case forward. Have a fucking kangaroo court with you topless and one sock on. I'm like, right, we need to know what's going on here. Yeah, yeah, he's a cunt and we're just going to kill him. All right, maybe we should have just let you run through the house there, lad. All right, I'm going to give you a head start. Lad, stay in your seats. Go.

You've got a 10-second head start. Off he goes. I think that's good of you that you didn't go, get the fuck over with those cunts. That happened to us in Preston one time when we were lads, me and my mate Fraser went to town. About 14 years old, 13, 14, there just seems to be a spate of lads in town just fucking punching other lads.

It happened to me and it happened to Fraser. Just randomly, lads just stopped me on me, and it happened to Fraser, just randomly, lads just stop you on the street, like, where are you going? And you're like, what? Boom,

and they just sucker punch you. Like, you're 30, just starting, starting on people. You know what he's like? Just in Preston? Yeah.

Fucking A Preston, you know? Radgy, radgy little shits. So it happened to me. You have a go at Liverpool for being aggressive. I've never known like that in liverpool yeah this will have never happened in liverpool city center no lad will have

ever for no reason punched a lad in liverpool this is just a british town center thing in it maybe a northern thing fuck knows we just got lamp for no reason and there was a jd sports and we went in the jd sports and just like fraser was crying we were like clearly out of our depth and they were at the front looking in and we went to the manager we went to someone who worked there we've been punched could you let us could you help us and the guy was like what do you mean could you we just basically went in and like little pussies like we've been punched by some ruffians and he looked at us i can't remember exactly how the conversation went but he basically went oh you pathetic little shits

and let us through the storeroom and out the back lane and we fucking pegged it like so i how old were you about 13 i thought you were gonna say 30 jesus christ about 30 i was with etta and laura these lads came up and punched me. I was like, quickly, everyone. Yeah, so I think you've been good guys. You, for me, have been like the manager of JD Sports that day. You've given him safe passage to run away. Yeah.

And who knows what happened. The time I got punched, this lad came up, nicked my baseball cap, Charlotte Hornets, new starter baseball cap, cool as fuck, turquoise, probably not that cool. I ran after them, took the hat back, he fucking lamped me, and I lay down. I'd never been punched before,

and my reaction was to sort of just turn around, because that's where the punch had come from. He sort of punched the back of my head, and I sort of just got on the ground, and a woman who saw it happen stood over me and sort of swung a bag at them. I went, go on, love. You just run for the next bus home.

And I ran away that time as well. That is my, they're my two fighting stories. Fraser getting lamped and we went through JD Sports. And a woman standing, a middle-aged mother of God knows how many. Go on, love. you just run away. And I fucking did. We didn't go back to town until we were about 15, 16. We had a full year or two off.

Fucking pussies. I am such a fucking pussy. Someone's auntie fucking swung a fake Prada bag at someone to get you away. And honestly, thank God she did, because I was not up for fighting. Do you know what? Looking back, Preston was a little bit raggy. The town centre was raggy.

I don't think, I don't think it's probably like the worst of it, but that was, it was fucking bad that. Did no lads just start on you for no reason when you were that age?

It's almost like they're like 14. It don't count. It's not illegal. Bang. Um, maybe around that age and a bit younger. I thought you were talking

adults before. No. So, yeah, like, there'd be, like, sometimes you'd just go to swimming bats, and then there'd be a couple of kids there who were like, I'm quite hard, me, are you hard? Do you want to have a fight when we get outside?

And it wasn't like, it was, like, friendly, do you know what I mean? It was like, the fucking animals. That's the, you can't fight after you've been swimming. When you're a kid and you've been swimming, that's the hungriest and weakest you've ever felt. Do you remember coming out of the swimming pool and being like, oh God, oh God.

And you needed a bag of crisps from the vending machine. I can still remember when I was about 13, one specific day I went swimming and how good the Snickers tasted after I got out. I got a Snickers from the vending... Oh, I'm salivating. I want a Snickers now. But do you remember what I mean?

That vending machine post-swimming baths. It wasn't even a snack. It was like medicine. You just got out and you used all your energy and you're like, I've got mum and I need a bag of crisps. Do you remember the fish and chip crisps

salt and vinegar they actually were in the shape like yeah yeah yeah oh my god we smashed some of them scampi fries

if someone had started a fight I mean I lay down anyway but I'd be like I didn't accept oh that's very gentlemanly isn't it I was like I reckon you probably

beat me up lad so alright and he was like alright so I think he just me up, lad, so more right time. He was like, oh, right, so? So? I think he just wants to be the hardest guy in the pool, and I just conceded to him. He's just doing market research. Are you the cock of the leisure centre?

No. All right, great. Well, I'm just going to put you down as fifth. I'm number one. You're number five. How's your mate doing? Put him at four. What a fucking prick.

There were some great fights in our school though. Like, because there was like a rank and order in our school. Did you call it cock? Yeah. The cock of the school. Cock of the school.

It's weird. I was cock of the choir. I wasn't even cock of the choir. I probably was. But like, there was a couple, like,

it was like the Champions League like the Champions League, like the knockout rounds in our school sometimes, like a lot of those hard lads, there's like a mutual respect, isn't there? It's like we're not going to argue with each other. We're not going to fight because, you know, everyone's got a puncher's chance. I'm hard, you're hard.

Could go either way. But in our school towards like sort of year nine when you're getting a bit fucking angsty. Oh, puberty's hit as well. You just can't wank enough can you there's always testosterone no girls are letting you letting you touch anything and rightly so um nobody is being 13 it's fucking hard work isn isn't it? You're just like, someone touch my penis. There was people talking about, oh, who's the hardest kid in our school?

And then the two hardest kids would get wind of, oh, they're talking about who's the hardest out of us. It's defo me. No, it's defo me. Should we just have a straightening and sort it out? And they'd have a fight. There'd always be another cunt going, listen, I'll speak to that.

He was literally like the Eddie Hearn of the situation, going, listen, I'm sweet with everyone. I'm going to talk to them. He will see you at, like, three. You're going to be there at three. In Hamilton in the musical, they call that your second. You know, like some duels back in the day. Send in your second, see if they can set the record straight.

Do you accept the challenge, sir? Finish your Snickers and fight him outside the leisure center. Sir, do we agree that duels are dumb and immature? Sure. But your man has to answer for his words, but with his life, we both know that's absurd, sir.

Hang on. How many men die because Lee was an experienced and ruinous? Okay. So we're doing this. That's actually from, uh, Adams high school. Very,

very theatrical. Secondary modern. That's just, that's from the new musical theatre called The Cindy Path

but they fought the big ones I think they did I can't really remember yeah they're the legendary ones yeah yeah

and there was a couple like there was one where like they were really tall they had a school called Josh who just had that he was like 6'3

in year 8 do you know what I mean just like gangly yeah, who just had that. He was like six foot three in year eight. Do you know what I mean? Just like gangly. Yeah, he was getting served alcohol when he was like fucking eight years old. Yeah, he had a beard like before we did our SATs. A driving licence at seven. Yeah. Married with kids.

And there was a lad who was known to be quite hard, but like about my height, called Peter. And then they had a big argument and everyone was like, Peter's quite hard, but Josh is just too big. Peter beat the fucking shit out of him he beat the shit out of the big one that's exactly what

happened at our school James Crabtree and John Lloyd Fletcher I'm not even joking when you said it I was like do you know what it reminded me of

that fight do you know when everyone was like mate triceratops and t-rex it's definitely going to be t-rex but triceratops

is all small and fucking hard yeah it really felt like that big guy little guy my my dog mini beats the shit out of my dad's chow chow it's the same thing he's a big fat dog she's a little tiny dog but she's got the attitude do you know what i mean and you were never and you were never at a school fight oh no i had a few so what happened at the leisure center you were like i'm not asked mate i've just finished yeah well i didn't want to fight, but if I needed to fight, I could or would.

Do you know what I mean? I didn't want to just be like, are you hard? Me too. Let's go and settle this. There was no reason for that. What are you into? Can I tell you my interests?

Punching other boys in the face? I'm sure I've told you this first one. The first week of school, there was a lad who's now a boxer and he's dead sound now, but, you know,

the first week of year seven or whatever, he was like, sort of picking on a lad who's now a boxer and he's dead sound now but you know the first week of year seven or whatever he was like sort of picking on a lad i was not mates with yet but i'm mates with now and i went to the lad who was getting picked on because i had attitude that i didn't know any of these people were your first couple of weeks of year seven and i grew up council estate i was fighting with mates every five minutes and i i was brought up to not let people pick on me do you know what i mean i was like you're fucking scared of minutes and I was brought up to not let people pick on me, do you know what I mean? And I was like, are you fucking scared of him? And then the lad went, are you not scared of me?

And I went, absolutely fucking not. And he went, let's have a fight after school then. He's a boxer, this lad, and he was then. I can still remember him running at me. And he hit me five times and I said, and this became a nickname for a while, I don't want no more. And it just stopped. Right?

Literally, for about six months. Dish, dish, dish, dish, dish. I don't want no more. Literally, for about six months in school, my mates would be like, I don't want no more.

Just every now and then. Just in the middle of a class, you know, like, the teachers set the work, everyone's silent, I'm just writing away.

So, E equals MC. I don't want no more. Fucking shut up. I've had for fucking years. Mate, that is brutal. And then there was another one. But he stopped.

One, two, three, four, five. He just wants to win the fight. I think maybe that's because he's a boxer. But at least he stopped and didn't go, yeah, well, I want to give you more because I'm a fucking psycho. Yeah. There was a...

My best mate, one of my best mates in school, Joshua, who I'm still mates with now. We had a massive fight in maths. So... With a teacher in the room? Yeah. She was trying to break us up.

Holy shit. She was a to break us up. Oh, she was a dainty little math teacher. Like she was early twenties, thin blonde hair, really thin glasses. I can't remember her name. Penny crayon. Yeah.

And me and Josh sat next to each other. We were the best at math in the whole school. Me and Josh, like from, from literally like reception. Right. And we'd sit together cause no one was on our level, right? And I was sat there with a water bottle.

But you know those, like, sports cap ones? And I was just squeezing it a bit. Just, like, anxious, just bored at the start of the lesson. And a bit went on his side of the thing. And he got his water and just squirted it in my face, right? So our mutual mate, Mark, just trying to cause fucking murder just went yeah and he gave me a full bottle of water because josh had gone to the bin to sharpen his pencil so because josh had swilled me with water and i didn't want to lose face i walked to the front

of class and just emptied it on his head the whole bottle of water. Holy shit, Adam. And he turned around, and he hit me with, like, these monkey shots. Like, he didn't punch me. He went, like, he hit me with this a few times in my head. So I, because he's a bit, quite a bit taller than me. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What, did he think he was Spider-Man? I tell you what, like, like, there's a culture in which that's the bit to it. I can't remember what one it is, but it's fucking, maybe it's Japan or Taiwan or something. Yeah, it's one of them. Taiwanese, Japanese, Chinese, Malaysian.

But he hit me, like, three or four times. And then the teacher goes, hey, pack it in. And I was like, I'm not packing it in. I've just been punched in the face three times. And I grabbed him, right, because he's. I've just been punched in the face three times. And I grabbed him, right? Because he's, again, he's quite tall. Josh, this is a different Josh from the one before. And I pushed him, like, because he's, like, bigger than me.

And he had the height. I had him over a desk. So not, like, bent over, but, like, on his back over a desk. And he's, like, kicking his legs, trying to get off. And I was just, like, leaning over over punching him in the face like that and the teacher's going she's in the middle i'm sure she calls a few as well fucking prick and then we're like we both got suspended for a week and then when we come back we both had to leave school at different times so like we were in a lot of the same classes. We'd be sat at opposite ends of the classroom.

And in the last class of the day, it would be like, right, it's... So, I think we used to finish at, like, quarter past three. At quarter to three, they'd go, right, today, Josh, you go home now. And then half an hour later, I'd go so that we couldn't fight straight after school again. Mate, there's so many questions.

One, why was i such a pussy i got punched and lay down and let a middle-aged woman defend me and also never felt any shame about it like and then didn't go into town for two years two how is that only a weak suspension if if if hit our school, if you'd pinned someone else down and were punching them in and around the head while the teacher was near you going, stop it, stop it. I think that might be more than a week.

Like, hey, go and calm down. I think it helped that we were two of the best students in the year. Right. We were two of the brightest lads in our school and they were like, it's going to fuck up our GCSE coaches. If we get rid of fucking student A and student B latest lads in our school, and they were like, it's going to fuck up our GCSE coaches. If we get rid of fucking student A and student B,

and we have stuck with all these fucking Zs. I think that's what it was. Wow. Because me and Josh twatted our exam results. We were dead clever lads. Like, I was good academically at school. I don't think they could afford to lose us over that little scuffle. How long did it till you and josh were all right about i don't know two or three months that's a lot that in in school years that's a lot we just stayed clear of each other for a while because you've

had a fight and you like you sort of ace each other for a bit don't you after you've had a physical altercation with someone and you remember what sorted it out well all of we had so many mutual mates so they were constantly making jokes and i think in the end one of us just made the joke back and the other one laughed and then yeah but like josh is like josh is my oldest mate i've i've been mates with josh since reception and then we've sort of always been sort of mates through school and then there's about four lads i've kept in touch with after school from school and he's like, other than Carl and Stee. I talk to Carl the most

and then Stee and Josh, me other two mates, I talk to them more than anyone else. That's good. Should we have a word from our sponsors? I love that story, mate. How have I never had that story before? I don't know. I've done like fucking 90 records

and I haven't heard that gem. Gotta keep some in the can. I lay down, cried and ran away. Fucking pathetic. That's it. Thanks for downloading Have A Word. I'd like to tell you about our Patreon. We've got one of the best patrons in the game.

Please sign up, support the podcast and me and Adam. When you become an exclusive Patreon member, you get the public episode at least 24 hours early. In video form, you get to watch it at least a day before anyone else. You can get discounts on merch. You can get discounts on future Have A Word pod live shows. We're also going to start throwing up some unseen footage and extra content on there as well but this is the big one every patreon member gets an extra episode every week a full hour plus of have a word in video and

audio form every thursday morning you will get the patreon special which is weirdly unfiltered because it's not going on the proper internet it's like a speakeasy for two lids and adam starts saying all sorts of shit it's kind of becoming my favorite bit of the pod and you can get all of this for as little as three pounds which is the equivalent of buying me or adam a pint or half a pint in falkland london sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod Okay. Okay. Oh, we have got a would you rather and a question that we've been asked

in one form or another three or four times now over the past couple of days. Should we do the question? Let's do the question. So, feels weird to not know the question. Have you seen the news story about Russell Howard? Yes, I do. Yeah, I have seen the story.

So for the uninitiated with the story, Russell Howard was doing an outdoor gig the other day, trying out some new material. And by the way, massive news, comedy's back again. Unless the government decide to be cunts And cancel it Me and Dan are doing a gig this Sunday In Liverpool, by the time this has gone out

The show has already sold out, very very sorry about that There's going to be more And as long as there's no other setbacks In the next few weeks we will announce The Patreon thank you show And maybe a couple of other live shows Whatever we can figure out There's live stuff coming from me and dan we know that's what you're after and we're going to get it done as soon as we possibly can we promise um so russell

howie was doing one of these outdoor gigs they've been happening for a while the outdoor ones we've done a couple i'm four or five weeks into the outdoor gigs and they are definitely if you're not going to be indoors they're the ones-in cinema-type comedy gigs don't work. Totally. The live stream is a shutdown thing that I don't think will continue, but the outdoor gigs, it works. I still haven't done a Zoom gig.

I'm five months in, and I've still stuck to my guns and not done one of those fucking Zoom things. Gigs are back. Outdoor gigs are back. I'm doing a couple of outdoor gigs this week even though normal gigs are now back

I think they're going to stay I think next summer you know when there's those bacon hot days and it becomes harder to sell comedy

I think there's going to be a few beer garden gigs from now on on the UK circuit I think they're going to be a thing people are going to

be happy with the outdoor thing because I don't think the virus thing if it's still around next summer if it's still partly affected by it people might want that fresh air that outdoor gig they absolutely might yeah um so russell howard was doing one of them and he was trying out some new material which we all have to do and especially at russell howard's level he's got to go to these gigs to get a tour ready he's not like just doing material he can't do the same

material all the time because he tours every couple of years he's doing arena shows people are paying 50 60 70 80 90 i don't know how much his tickets are he's big news and he um but every year has to be a brand new 90 minutes of material and when you're doing that you have to go to comedy clubs or now outdoor gigs and get it ready or put work in progress gigs on but you can't really do them at the minute the only thing's running outdoor stuff that's what he's done he's gone to an outdoor gig to do new material now a woman on the front row was recording them on her phone she pointing the phone and recording his set a couple of times apparently he tried to sort of banter

around it and said i'll live in a moment turn phone off, don't be doing that, blah, blah, blah. And she basically refused to stop. She's like, I'm filming it. And eventually he just had enough and he canned the set. He was like, I can't do this, I'm getting off. And he walked off stage. He was like, I'm not, while this is happening, I can't do the gig. And we've had a lot of people just message us. I think I said about three before, it might be like close to double figures. A lot of people just message us. I think I said about three before. It might be like close to double figures. A lot of people have sent us that as a tweet or a direct message or an email and said, just want to know your opinion on this, lads,

because obviously we talk about stand-up a lot on the podcast because it's what we know and what we love. There's become a national news story as well. The Independent's headline online was, stand-up comedy doesn't need this sort of press coverage right now russell howard storming off damages the brand of stand-up while it's already struggling you're like it's got uh water spunk in my eye okay good well don't start a fight he's got the fucking muscle memory all right leave it yeah that it was disparaging like you know very negative it's not just a gone viral video

people are doing commentary pieces about judging it i think because it's been filmed and because him booting off was filmed by someone else it's a viral video yeah and i stand 100 000 with russell with her no because she likes comedy and she wants a memory of it yeah what's wrong with that because she's a cunt here's the thing that the non-comedy people don't understand at these gigs you know when comedians get in trouble for gigs, you know when comedians get in trouble for being offensive, you know when we say something wrong, when we say something horrendous

and you get in trouble for it that, if you start filming new material gigs and start putting them on the internet, there's not going to be a comedian left, everyone's going to get in trouble everyone makes a mistake at a new material night maybe not Russell Howard, he's more family friendly I suppose but the stuff I

the stuff you see me say on tour and on my special, and if you come and see me at the minute where it's refined stuff, if you see the early versions of that, it's not as well thought out, it's not as well written, it's more offensive, and also if that goes online and it goes viral, I can then never do that joke, every joke I put online that starts doing hundreds of thousands of views, I can't do that at a gig anymore because maybe people have come to the gig because of that bit of material and gone, I like that guy, I want to go and see him. You can't then do the same stuff to those people

because people, with comedy, people expect to see newer stuff. You can't ruin the process of stand-up comedians by filming it. I totally understand that you're like, oh my God, Russell Howard's here and he's famous and I just want a little memento of this day. Most comics, if you ask nicely after the gig, will get a selfie with you. They'll come up to you, won't they? And they'll get a picture or whatever.

Filming stand-up, when it's intellectual property, it's the same as going to the cinema and filming the film to go, oh, remember that day we seen George Clooney in the new George Clooney film? There he is. Who are you even going to show the video to? No one wants to watch that. No one wants to watch your fucking early onset Parkinson's video of a fucking stand-up gig

in a beer garden in fucking Chiswick in London. You're heavy breathing. I like Russell Howard. Anyone who wants to see that video is going to watch Russell Howard's special or DVD when it comes out. No one's asked. Just fucking stop doing it.

We can't do it. We can't let you film an early version of a joke. A, it'll ruin the main version of the joke. And B, it might be more offensive than it's going to turn out. You just can't do it. And also, you can go, well, they didn't know. It wasn't clearly signposted that you couldn't record.

No one from the venue said that she couldn't record. Yeah, but Russell Howard did. He said, please don't record. Be in the moment. I don't want you to record. Be a better human than like, I've got a phone and you're in front of me, so I'm going to keep recording. That's why he's fucked off,

because someone ignored his request to stop recording. You shouldn't have to explain all the minutiae of the circuit to someone. If a performer goes, I don't want you recording, don't be a bell-in and go, no, but I want to. Fuck off.

Did you just murder that child in the Wacky Bear house? There's no no-murder-and-child signs up, so am I meant to know I'm not allowed to murder a child? Because you clearly haven't signposted this is a non-murdering child idea of the venue are you wanking in the post office show me a sign

show me one good sign and my stamps never come off their letters oh why it was subtle sort of over the head slam. People want to know my opinion.

My opinion's very, like, if you're going to see a performer, especially in these beer garden gigs or a new material, especially if they're an unlisted special guest, just be happy that they're there. He's super, super famous. Even if he's not your favourite comedian, just be like, oh my God, he's big. You have to tell him he's at this little gig

in this beer garden in the middle of nowhere. Let comedians work their stuff out. If you want great comedy, if you want great stand-up to happen and be a thing, which you all do, you might not realise it, you might not care as much as we do. You want the best comedians

to put an amazing hour of stand-up out that you'll really enjoy. That's only going to happen if comedians have got the freedom to work that hour in before they go on tour and then before they film it. And whether you like it or not, comedians are going to feel like they can't do that if this keeps going on. If people keep filming at gigs and people keep releasing little clips.

Like, I know his name is Mud and whatever it happened to Louis CK didn't it when he was coming back and let's not do another opinion on whether he should be allowed to come back or anything but at the end of the day he was coming back in America after his massive sexual abuse controversy or sexual misdemeanors or I don't know what you call it

your phone is ringing I don't even know where it is how unprofessional really bad um yeah so we had it with louis ck is what i was saying like he came back and someone released an audio tape of him working out his new hour in New York and the whole audience is dying laughing at it but people got really upset by a couple of the jokes and tried to get him in trouble and it's like well first of all that joke wasn't finished and second of all even if it was it's a joke and you shouldn't be getting upset by jokes you can get absolutely upset what are you doing just making a video of this it's really good dan no filming don't turn those cameras off i just think i've got a camera

you know i'm here fuck you got it it's annoying i can't remember what i was up to yeah i feel your frustration has this happened to you yeah it happens quite a lot and normally people are just nice about it yeah and turn it off it's that that's the bit isn't it yeah and you can be like well the venue should have thrown her out for doing it it's all a bit lo-fi it's all a bit these outdoor gigs it's all happening on the spot it's been put together quickly they haven't got the security in place not everyone knows the rules but if someone says

please stop recording me be a better human yeah just be sound like comedians are generally sound about this sort of stuff we know that not everyone knows like the do's and don'ts of comedy because maybe that's the first time you've been to a gig and you're like oh i'm allowed to do this but if someone who is at work doing their job goes, can you just do this for us because you're not allowed to do that and I'm doing whatever, just be sound and go, oh, I'm really sorry and put it away. Don't be a dickhead because otherwise they'll walk off.

And the person most pissed off, I imagine, that Russell Lauer walked off was the one who loves him so much that they felt the need to film them. It's going to happen again and again, especially with big comics. Just don't do it. If we want to film our set we'll bring a camera don't worry about it so why is it why has it got the coverage that it because it's getting the coverage of like uh russell howard's being a right old fan is that is that basically what is why are they trying to cover it like that is it just because it's it's something that's

gone viral because journalism's in the fucking toilet, is what it is. Journalists are cunts, aren't they? It doesn't matter what the story is. It doesn't matter whether it's important. It's everything sensationalised. It's happened with COVID as well now, where people are like,

another hundred people have been this with COVID, and then you look into into it and it's like they got tested for it in March and now they've been ran over by a bus and now they're a COVID death. They've wiped 10,000 it doesn't matter about the story it's what's going to get the story read like Russell Howard

storms off stage after foul mouthed rant at an innocent bystander that gets more than who lost her dad just seven years ago that gets so many more clicks than woman was filming russell howard and he was right like rightfully not happy about it and also just obviously this is a bit of insider trading like to be like to paint russell howard as a dickhead is is really difficult because he's dead sound and and we're not just saying that because he's like a famous comedian yeah but he

is genuinely a dead sound famous comic he's never even met him but i assume he is he's one of the good eggs yeah like i've known him since i started out he was you know in edinburgh when everyone's like bothering everyone else i was at a cafe with a mate of mine, and he literally went out of his way to come and say hello. And he's one of the bigger guys who could just be walking around the fringe going, I don't give a shit, I'm one of the famous guys. He's genuinely a nice chap. So to pay him is like, oh, here he is having a go. He's just frustrated.

I guarantee. Because this is his work. He dealt with that situation better than I would in his situation I guarantee yeah it'd be a fucking bigger news story if it was me

if I asked a woman three times to stop filming and she didn't I'd be like why are you being a stupid cunt what are you doing turn your fucking phone off

and fuck off get out can someone fuck her off because either she gets fucked off or I'm fucking off fuck her off get her out put her in the pub throw her in Can someone fuck her off? Because either she gets fucked off or I'm fucking off. Fuck her off.

Get it out. Put it in the pub. Throw her in. Me and Adam have talked about it a lot on the podcast. Those moments that are so memorable in comedy for the wrong reason are the ones where you're like, oh, I'd prefer it if it hadn't happened. But there's another comic you're like, hmm, but this is the one I'm going to be talking about for a year. One of the absolute favourites is

when everything shuts down and a comedian tries to stop the show to get someone thrown out. It's sort of why we love live comedy, although you don't want it to happen to you. It's one of those moments that gets all the other comics out of the dressing room like, what the fuck is going on here?

I had to do it at my last Liverpool tour show, didn't I? It was an Irish girl in the front row who kept answering every rhetorical question as if it was... And I get it. I get the first couple of times. If you're a bit pissed and you're not a regular comedy, if I go, you know what it's like when you're in Tesco? And she'd go,

oh, hey, fucking Tesco. And I'd be like... Yeah, but you don't need to answer. It's just, I'm just, it's a pattern of speech. It's not actually, all right, you know, but I went Tesco earlier and I was in the fucking queue. And I was like, yeah, I've got a story about it though. And I reckon mine's probably going to have a bigger punchline than yours is.

So can you just shut up? And then 20 minutes later, nothing worse than a hangover. Oh, the hangover I had last week. And I was like, you're going to have to. And then she started talking to her boyfriend, doing what she was trying to do to me, because she realized she wasn't meant to answer my questions. So I go, oh, you know when you were at school?

And she's going, oh, I had a brilliant school story, right? When I was at school, I fucking shagged the teacher. You know those Pornhub videos where the teacher fucks the student? I could have been in one of those. And I was like, you can't even talk to him about it. She's like, really? Front row as well at a tour show? This isn't a fucking club night.

It was a Thursday, a seven o'clock start, and she was blathered before the gig kicked off. And in the end, I could feel the audience hated her. And as soon as you've got that locked in, you know you can get someone kicked out and you don't lose the goodwill of the crowd. Because sometimes a comic goes too early with it. You know, like a Friday or a Saturday,

and they get pissed off a bit too soon, and they go to the security. But you fuck it off, and you can feel the audience go, she wasn't being that bad. And he said a couple of things. That night in Liverpool, I felt the audience were just like, she needs to fucking go. And I went, I forget the security guy's name, things that night in liverpool i felt the audience were just like she needs to fucking go and i went

uh i forget the the security guy's name the the guy from hot water in liverpool not stewie the other one i was like i think it's is it mike i went mike just fuck her off please and the you it was like someone had cut the tension in the room with a knife i went and i went she needs to go and then someone went yeah she needs to go and the room's like and she just got and she went for real

are you really kicking me out yeah I haven't done and I went you have done it just fuck off honestly just get out and these are the villains

who go online and go I got thrown out for laughing like you definitely did it if you're a fan of this podcast I've probably said this before if you're a fan of this podcast and you want to realise how fucking stupid

the whole public of the UK is, go to every comedy club's trip advisor right now. Pause the pod, go do it, right? Go to Hot Water Comedy Club's trip advisor, go to the Glee Club, which is in Birmingham, Nottingham, Cardiff, Glasgow and Oxford. Go to The Stand,

which is in Glasgow, Edinburgh and Newcastle, go to The Frog and Bucket in Manchester, The Comedy Store in London and Manchester, go to Just The Tonic in Birmingham, Nottingham and Leicester, just go and find all the comedy clubs of the UK, Comedia in Brighton and Bath go and find these comedy clubs go to TripAdvisor, go straight to the one star

review, if you can find ten that don't say they got kicked out for laughing well i'll give you a present ask for a present and i'll sort it out they're all exactly the same i'm telling you right now nobody in the history of comedy clubs has ever been kicked out for laughing because what a fucking stupid business policy that would be yeah i was the gig oh everyone smashed it and there was no audience left by the end. It was fucking ridiculous. I love that moment where you try

and the problem is not everyone can hear the person at the front. You can. It's almost like they're in your mind. Like, I fucking need you. Yeah, I went to school as well. But the person, like, even 10 rows back, sometimes they can't hear them.

So if you've come off a run of gigs that are annoying this is why christmas runs can be hard work because you've dealt with like three shows in a row that are annoying so the fourth one you're like straight in and you're bringing all that annoyance from previous shows and you go oh for fuck's sake shut up and the crowd are like well well we're just here trying to celebrate our work's due for the birth of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. And that comedian, who we've not yet met, has just been very mean to a poor punter. They go from doing a line off the back row to Alistair Katz in the fucking next move. Alistair Katz is the Disney film, isn't it?

You want to be like, come on, guys. I'm not just picking on people. They're a bellend. It's so Aristocrats Aristocrats is the Disney film isn't it you want to be like come on guys I'm not just picking on people they're a bellend it's so frustrating but you can't do that as a comma great when the crowd

are on your side no I'm in the right she's the knob no boo her it doesn't work does it as soon as an audience it's one of the

biggest problems with being a comedian you know the second you become unlikable Romeo Dunn a musician doesn't have that problem you can go and be like i fucking ain't that cunt he bullied me at school but if he's got a fucking set of pipes on him you will dance to his tune yeah yeah because and that's when whenever musicians talk too much i'm like just play the fucking song mate uh just in between the two songs, I want to tell you. Don't tell me anything. Just sing your fucking songs.

It's a live performance. Just you're not hosting a show on Radio Bell. 97.6 Radio Bell Sniff. Just do the fucking songs. We're like, it's better when we do the jokes. Do the jokes, do the jokes, do the jokes. As soon as we have to do, some comics cannot do crowd work. They cannot do the logistics of making a room work. It's almost like, just let them do the bits because soon as we have to do some comics cannot do crowd work they cannot do the logistics

of making a room work it's almost like just let them do the bits because they're definitely funny when they're like could you be quiet it's no fun out of it hot water comedy club in liverpool um they uh i'm there on saturday by the way this saturday the 22nd there's three shows if you want to come and see me go and get some tickets hotwatercomedy.co.uk. I'm also there from the 2nd to the 5th of September if you want to come and see me there. Just doing 20-minute sets. It'll be good, so come and see. Some of it will be new, some of it will be shit,

but it'll be fun. At Christmas, because they know it can be eggy, they don't book anyone who they wouldn't book to compare. Yeah, because they have to be able to do crowd control. Apart from Troy Hawke. So, Milo McCabe, the character Troy Hawke, who we will get on eventually. wouldn't book to compare yeah because they have to be able to do crowd control apart from troy hawk so mylon mccabe the character troy hawk who we will get on eventually he's a requested guest um they book him because he's great at crowd work anyway it doesn't really work as a compare he has compared though before and it was good but he's he's his set is interactions isn't it totally so like me danny mclaughlin mandy knight beth black freddie quinn paul smith you

danny deegan they're like if you can compare for us you can do sets of christmas because we know at times you're gonna get four minutes in with 16 to go and just gonna have to go into crowd work so they don't book anyone who they don't think can do that they don't book songy mcsong either because they're like we have to be able to rotate the bill and at a christmas gig when everyone's thick as fuck off the head on beacon full of ale you can't put songy mcsong in the middle and then put my girlfriend's annoying at the end you just can't do that because that ends the gig doesn't it you can't have phil nickel go on and do the only gay esckimo is the middle set. You can't give really drunk people a rhythm and a beat

and then go back to, I'll tell you what I've noticed. Who's drinking? Because they're kind of like... Yeah. Oh God, that gave me the little, like, future PTSD. Christmas gigs are coming. Christmas gigs are coming.

Christmas gigs are coming. Watch out! Look around! Drunken cunts are coming Christmas gigs are coming Always full of love Watch out Look around Drunken cunts are coming to town Na na na na na na na Have a line Na na na na na na I'll have a line Na na na na na na

Have a line Tis the season It's always the real shit Woo Woo Oh, fucking hell People hate January I love it as a comedian i'm sorry guys we've only sold 70 tickets brilliant are the animals no great uh shall we have a little break and then come back

with eshan akbar oh just again if you feel like there's any joke that might upset you about anything, particularly racial insensitivity, do not watch the second half of this fucking podcast or listen to it. Just pause it here. We'll see you next week. It's absolutely fine. Join the Patreon. You'll get an extra episode.

But do not watch the second half of this show. It's the funniest, most offensive thing we've ever done, and I fucking adore it. We'll see you in a minute. Now then, lads, I want to tell you about Trans Alloy Wheels Limited. Alloy wheel refurbishments, car body work, and customization services in Leeds and throughout West Yorkshire. Basically, these guys can sort your wheels out.

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triggered. It must be Have A Word with Adam and Dave. Oh, and welcome back. Welcome back to Have a Word. That was strong. That was like extra scousey. Oh, we've got a guest here. We are.

He's Asian. He's disabled. The BBC lover. Yes. And the Asian thing is not the disability. I'm deaf. Is this like a security blanket thing you It's because I'm fat to be honest Are you covering your stomach

Yeah without even realising I'm doing it Do you want the other one for your chin Have you got a third one for his dick It's really funny when a fat guy takes a piss out of a fat guy. Funny. Welcome, man. Thanks for coming in. I'm so happy to be here.

It's Avoword! It is? Avoword? I can't do it. I've tried to do the intro bit. Look, you can't come on this podcast if you're not going to get our accents accurate. No, he's not trying to do that. I'm trying to do the intro. He's trying to do the intro. Welcome to

Avowords. Wow. Pull the mic towards you a little bit. I think it's angled at a weird spot. There you go. Beautiful. He's a fucking radio host. He knows what he's doing. It's normally up here though for me, to be fair. Yeah. Avowords. I can't do it.

What are you trying to do? The intro to the podcast. He's trying to do East African. You're trying to't do it what are you trying to do the intro to the podcast he's trying to do East African you're trying to do East African he's trying to do the lady she's not

she's not East African she is where's she from Mozambique Africa Zimbabwe Zimbabwe oh yeah

one of the that is not East Africa oh it's South it's South yeah it's South it's Southeast it's over that way. Okay.

But yeah, she is. We got her off Fiverr. Did you? Do you think that was us? I think it was you. Do you think it was you? You actually thought it was me. Yeah, it's you.

It's definitely you. Check out our very funny YouTube videos. You can download and subscribe at HoverwoodPod. Why are you doing Madagascar? Oh, my God. Is this Zimbabwe? Two lids. Two lids.

Why does it feel less nervy? Because Eshan's Asian. I'm like, I've had it. They can't cancel you, mate. Hey, Adam, stand down. You've got a long run. Long run. But she is genuinely from Africa.

Okay. And she charged us like 10 quid at first to do a load of the stuff. And then the second time she was like, oh, no, no, no. You have to pay me more now. I am regular part of the team. She basically went from the first one which was like yeah she was like the first record was like this is a podcast it's called have a word the second one was like you can download subscribe on youtube check out

our funny videos and the third one we were like like adding things on and she clearly went right these fuckers are making money here yeah so she yeah. So she asked for $100. Now, I don't know the Zimbabwe economy. Okay. But I think that's fucking ridiculous. She wanted $100 US. Oh, okay. For two minutes of talking that she does in her house, I imagine she's got one of these setups.

How much did you get paid for your last Zoom gig? That's true. I actually did one on Fridayiday night very warm evening etta wasn't feeling very well so i was like i'm gonna set it up in the garage still got wi-fi there that'll be great then i was like oh i can't shout my fucking offensive material out onto the fucking road so i closed the garage and you know on these Zoom gigs they're like, could you be in the online green room for 7.30 and my stage time was 8.30

so I sweated like a fucking nonce for an hour waiting for Jason Manford to introduce me, getting hotter and hotter and then just shouted. You know what, you can see yourself on the webcam.

I was bright pink and sweaty and then doing jokes about looking like a paedophile. It was fucking horrible and I finished by opening jokes about looking like a be defile. It was horrible. And I finished by opening the garage from the inside and just came out like a swamp monster. Just went, just like the fresh air on my neighbor was like,

what are you doing? I was like, probably we're saying just before we move on, if you are watching this on YouTube and you've only ever consumed this podcast via YouTube, you won't know what we were talking about at the start there. So on the podcast version, the audio version of this podcast,

we have like a two minute intro, which is voiced by an African lady. On YouTube, it just starts. The episode just starts. Okay, right, fine. But the podcast version, if you go and check that out, it's a lady going,

welcome to Have a Word with Adam Rutt and Denating Gear. And you thought that was Dan, but it is not. We paid hair, so we had authenticity. Right. I love it. Adam always goes back to that.

We paid her. It can't be a problem. If you pay a woman, it can't be illegal. Here's what I'm curious to understand. Did you want the accent? Yeah. Why? Why not?

Yeah, but why, why? Because we are two white men, straight white men, from the north of England, and we needed to add some diversity to this podcast. So we thought, what's the most diverse thing we could get? So we got a black dwarf female from Zimbabwe. Did you see the profile picture? No.

She's a dwarf? It's just, yeah. Sorry, I don't know why I'm laughing. Why are you looking at me like, Hisham, why are you laughing? The fact that I said dwarf. You fucking prick. She's very small on the thumbnail.

I didn't say midget. I said dwarf. Little person. Oh, yeah. Dwarf's not all right. Is that actually a little person? I don't know whether they're bothered in Zimbabwe. I think they've got other shit going on.

It was a whole person. I don't think Zimbabwe have got round two. I think they've got other shit going on. It was a whole person. The Bidabi got hold of them. Stephen Iwan. Woo! I don't think Zimbabwe have got round to sorting out the offensiveness of the word midget. Yeah, I just don't know whether they're... They're there.

Yeah. Culturally. Yeah. They're probably not. So that is a really good remembering that we are now audio and video. Some people, like, just finding the podcast, like, Eshan's fans going yeah i'll just

watch it on youtube what the fuck was the start about there was a reason for it sorry there was a reason for it this is also youtube wise the first time i've not worn a cap on that it's so warm in here today we've got fans on there's fucking four of us in here and i've gone full full moby nonce because i've been out all day and this is that sweaty and horrible. Yeah. That looked quite good actually. Kind of like a Bollywood turn to the camera. Bollywood? Yeah. Have you washed it today? It looks light and

fluffy, yeah. Yeah, it looks very light and fluffy. It's fucking greasy. No, I'm joking. It looks good. Oh dear. It is warm though, isn't it? So, no hat. Air shans here. Does this feel like coming to Oh, dear. It is warm, though, isn't it? So, no hat. Hat. Eshan's here. Yeah. Does this feel like coming to Runcorn,

like you are leaving civilization and travelling up to bandit country? As you got here, were you like, I don't know where the fuck I am? Because I imagine Runcorn, if you live in London, feels a bit like, the fuck? Or is it all good? I live in a really shit part of London, so it feels pretty much the same right i've got an industrial estate near me where they they run corn is

we've got a rundown post office i didn't know but my favorite bombay mix is made down the road from me in london all right yeah your favorite bombay mix you know the packaging favorite bombay mix you know the packaging on bombay mix it's made my ears sweat. It's an Asian pathogen. An Asian pathogen. You're gone. Do you know... Do you know the...

The plastic receptacle that they keep, you know... I'm so tempted to take this to another level you know your Asian biscuits every time I see one of those packages I'm like it makes me think I bet you know they're like

no we can't really be bothered like getting branding or a logo we'll just get some really weird looks like an Indian restaurant around the edge of the thing and then just in really block letters, like, yeah.

Bombay mix. It always makes me think that's a fucking depressing place that's made. And it's around the corner from your house. It's amazing.

I couldn't believe it. Got a Chinese supermarket there too. Why is that relevant? I don't know. It's just like part of the industrial state. We have a Chinese supermarket

in Liverpool, don't we? Cedar. Where the industrial state we have a Chinese supermarket in Liverpool don't we Cedar where is it on the docks oh I don't know where it is there'll be loads

there'll be loads there's a big Chinese Polish one as well isn't there yeah Polish supermarket oh I love a Polish energy drink

what what is what's the difference I just like because you don't know what it is it's all in Poleskin you're like I might die i might you know get big muscles i fucking love it like it was called energy wait no grenade i think it was we went to play footy on um

sunday night in manchester and like half the team had dropped out so jason manford organizes it and i was like i'll bring a few mates to fill in. We went over. Carl came with me. And at the end of it, you know like we get sponsors for the podcast and they send us products. There's an energy drink company called Grenade. And Jason had just brought a crate with him. He was like, they've given me hundreds.

I just thought I'd bring them. The lads can have one. And me, Carl and me, all opened them at the exact same time. Took one sip and immediately threw it in the bin. It was the worst tasting drink I immediately threw it in the bin.

It was the worst tasting drink I've ever had in my life. What flavour was it supposed to be? It tasted like regret. Like there was no flavour to it that I've never... It's natural ingredients. Is it? Yeah, yeah. It's one of those, it's like grenade, but it's... They're trying to do it without you know any of the shit

that makes energy drinks fucking really fun and dangerous I've never really had energy drinks I've had a Red Bull and a Jager Mice you crazy fucker

like a Jager Bomb or something so you've had a little bit of energy drink yeah I got addicted to them at one point I don't know if I've told you this

when I worked in McDonald's when I was young I so I worked at McDonald's from the ages 16 to 18. And I would take, I've always been, if I get offered work, I take it. It's the same with gigs.

And it drives Jade mad. If I've got like a Thursday night off and I get offered 100 quid to go and do this gig, the working class lad in me can't go. I'm not going there for 100 quid tonight. I've got a night off. I'm like, 100 quid for 20 minutes work. I'll go and do that. And I was the same with bar jobs and stuff. If I got offered an extra go, I'm not going there for 100 quid tonight, I've got a night off. I'm like, 100 quid for 20 minutes work? I'll go and do that.

And I was the same with bar jobs and stuff. If I got offered the next shift, I was doing it. And McDonald's, they have three shifts. You know the ones that are open 24 hours? So you can work like 8 a.m. till 4 in the afternoon, 4 until midnight, or midnight till 8 a.m. Right. And there were some times where I'd get in to do the 8-4 and then someone

wouldn't turn up for the next shift and they'd be like oh we're going to be staffed short and I'd go I'll stay on do another 8 hours, I'm already there, I'll do it and it was happening so often that I used to know I was going to do it every week and on my way to work I would go to Home and Bargain Home and Bargain, not Home Bargains

Home and Bargains to non-scouts and I would get a litre of like own brand energy drink but I'd get Omen bargain. Yeah. Not home bargains. Home bargains to non-scouts. Okay. Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah. And I would get a litre of, like, own brand energy drink, but I'd get two of them. I'd get two one litre bottles. Fuck it now. Jesus, what colour was it? Like piss.

Like green piss. Like chlamydia piss. Ugh. So, when I started the second shift, in the break I would get between shift one ending and shift two beginning I would drink a full litre of energy drink and then as the night went on

I would just top myself up every time I started crashing a bit so I'd have a litre before the shift and then another litre spread out over eight hours and then I'd start to get heart palpitations so I don't drink energy drinks anymore that is insane we used to drink pints of vodka Red Bull that's not the fault of the energy drink although I'm not really defending it That'll do it That is insane We used to drink pints of vodka Red Bull Didn't we when we went to town?

That's not the fault of the energy drink Although I'm not really defending it Because I don't think it would pass many You know like full medical checks It's 29 pence for the litre Yeah but when you're on that second litre And you're like I've had two

I'll just top up the third My heart feels weird Anyone else got a big heart? Yeah that's not how to drink it. I like one in the morning because I don't drink coffee. Oh, do you not? Yeah, I don't. So you haven't had to drink in the morning?

Sometimes. I mean, when I say sometimes, you know, most days. Because I'm like, woo! I literally look forward to it. I'm like, right. My child's like, daddy, daddy. I'm like, I'm going to get on your level. And then we're running around the garden.

Laura's like, he's just so good with her. He's like, off his tits on taurine and all sorts of shit just to keep up and then when i crash fuck it gets weird with me like on a like whatever is in that crap like taurine and caffeine when that crashes and i'm having like a little glucose low yeah and she's in a bad mood it really is passive-aggressive moody toddlers What do you do to get out of the... No, you just have to deal with it, don't you? But I use it in the morning, like people do with coffee. Except mine's in a fizzy can.

Like, no adults drink it. With about 300 tablespoons of sugar in it. Yeah, when I have the sugar-free ones. I told Adam, this is from a couple of months ago, but I was buying a week's supplies. I had like four or five i don't drink them every day and i was at the counter of a news agent and the guy behind me classic language just went whoa mate you're drinking you need to change your ways drinking energy drinks

fucking kill you mate and the guy just working there was like what is going on he went my brother right we're drinking that shit dropped dead 26 and then he really intently went change your ways and I went right I will and then just bought them all

and I've kept drinking them yes he did coke yes he did smack yes he got hit by a train but it was because he was full of energy and he ran at it

when the coroner moved you know got him down from his asphyxia-wank accident, he's like, move these monster cans. What's your vice then? What's your vice?

You're not a boozer. Yeah, he is. Yeah, I am. Oh, okay. That was me racially profiling your drinking there. Because you thought I was representing the Muslim Council of Britain. You're a lapsed Muslim, aren't you? I am a very lapsed Muslim.

Yeah. I like alcohol. I like Muslim. I like alcohol. I like bacon. You were raised muzzy. That was so funny. I'm sorry for stepping on that. That might be the funniest thing anyone's said on this podcast.

Alcohol, bacon and juice. You are a bad, bad Muslim. That should be the name of your next Edinburgh show. Alcohol, bacon and juice. You are a bad, bad person. That should be the name of your next Edinburgh show. Alcohol, bacon and juice. Yeah. You were raised Muzzy. Yes. Yeah.

How old were you? I was going to say you're dead anyway. Is Muzzy allowed? Muzzy sounds like a Scouse. That's like an area of fucking Liverpool. Yeah, yeah, Muswell Lane. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're a foot in the dog's...

Mosley Hill. Mosley Hill. I was raised Muslim and I was really devout. I used to lead the call to prayer in my local mosque. You've got a good voice. Yeah. Have you? It's all right.

Do the song. The song is a call to prayer. Do the song. Do the fucking song. Come on, you know muzzy songs. Yeah, yeah, one time. One time I was doing gigs in the Middle East and there was loads of muzzy songs every fucking morning.

But there is no... Keep it down. Like, I've done Dubai, and then every now and then, like, clock into the hour, and it's like every building's got a radio on. Every muzzy church. David Guetta comes.

Do a countdown countdown but what is that happens isn't it no but it's it's more rhythmical it's got a beat it hasn't got a beat it's what is it

Beethoven's Fifth Symphony which techno mosque are you singing time time time to bridge could you still do it though probably not as well as i used to it's better to have a prepubescent voice i think with any kind of religious singing it's better to have a prepubescent what it is it is yeah i was a i was a chorus i was a choir boy

yeah yeah it's better to have a hi it's the muslim choir yeah so you were all no no no no i was a choir boy in my school which was a church of england school whilst at the same time so you were singing like jesus bangers yeah yeah even though you were a muzzy lord of the dance in the afternoon kill the jews and that's a different call that's a call to murder that's that's yeah yeah oh man what the when we were in the choir it feels like the sopranos are like the young lads and then the bass are like all the six formers were like altos were like all the 14 year olds whose voices were just sort of breaking yeah so sopranos like altos like then tenor and then bass that's very that was very good actually we went on a choir a choir tour to germany when i was 13 and it was all

all lads we were driving driving around oberhausen and dusseldorf we sang in cologne cathedral and i tell people in there oh it sounds so geeky. And we were, we were from a C of E grammar school, non-fee paying, easy, easy guys, not a fucking Tory. And we saw Fit Girls and then sang Get Your Tits Out for the lads, but in all the parts. Get your tits out for...

No, perfectly. And no one was allowed to sing someone else's part, so Sopranos had to... Get your tits out for the lads. For the lads. It was amazing. That is awesome

yeah and we got we didn't see any tits what's your favourite hymn? I am ignoring Adam's face because I can see what's happening what's your favourite hymn? Gloria

Gloria in excelsis deo we've had this conversation before we did it on a Patreon episode have you seen Sister Act? it's getting God in here so take off all your robes I am getting so God I want So take off all your robes.

I am getting so God. I want to take my robes off. I love what? The Middle Eastern remix. Adam's school was a bit like Sister Act. Don't know if you've heard his. Mine was like boring CV. I think, what was my favourite?

I told you, didn't I? Is it Handel's Messiah? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah yeah yeah it's got banger in it i also like jerusalem i like jerusalem and i like lord of the dance there's my two lord of the dance i'm the lord of the dance said he and i'll lead you all wherever you may be and i'll lead you all of the dance said he i am the lord of the dance said he so Hosanna's good sing Hosanna sing Hosanna

sing Hosanna to the king of kings can you imagine if you're like you know we're in a block here full of scientists and they can definitely normally air us through the walls. Yeah, they heard that one, didn't they?

Can you imagine if they heard, like, last week's episode and now they've heard this? Or they've just made a discovery and they're singing, Santa's coming out, or Hallelujah's coming out. They're like, fucking hell, God's here! If they overhear that and then you walk out, that's going to be... What's going on?

So how old were you when you stopped banging on a boater? I was about 24. Oh, so quite late then. Yeah, quite late. I started drinking around that time. Which came first? Which came first? I should have lined up better.

Oh, that was amazing. Yeah, I was considering. In the pub, I remember a time in hand.'s hard to believe in Allah on a hangover. The thing is, Friday is Mos Day, but it's also great down the boozer after work. Yeah, basically, it was just years and years of just... Okay, basically, the truth is, after 9-11, a lot of people were really serious about Islamlam and stuff and i just couldn't be bothered with the stress and i was just like no it's not for me you've already chopped a bit of my dick

off without my consent oh did they do that with you as well yeah yeah um and then alcohol's just better in it and bacon better than not having alcohol yeah yeah on a slightly serious note so just to qualify that 9-11 thing what do you like what do you mean what do you mean like everyone was serious anti-muslim or in the muslim community yeah yeah there was a lot of like god these white people are fucking shit and they i'm like well yeah they are but we don't have to kill them right they're all right aren't they so there's a lot of that going on just sort of of just stepped back and be like, this is between y'all. Yeah, it's not for me.

You hung with Simpson, they're just straight into the bush. Yeah, yeah, basically. Came out with a patent. And how are your parents with it? Well, my mum's dead. So she's alright? Yeah, she's fine. Was that anything to do with 9-11?

No, she was flying out of the place. She was flying out of the place Yes Sing Hosanna Sing Yes Well

we know what episode is getting us in trouble So yep and then Do you know every time I'm with him, we get on like a fucking house on fire. I don't see you that often,

but we're always... We try and make each other laugh. Like a tower on fire. Never mind, sorry. Oh, come on, Dan. Dan! Sorry, I was having fun. For fuck's sake.

Yeah, they might be like... Oh, dear. Sorry, guys. Oh, Dan Jamal, shut up. So, this is a true story I've told this story on another podcast I did with

another comic I don't think I've told I'm sorry it's funny you didn't say the name I don't think I've told it

on this podcast so was it last year or the year before Edinburgh last year so 2019 Edinburgh Fringe Festival it's the night of the Dave party

now for those uninitiated with the Edinburgh Festival the Dave party is ranked by the TV show Dave and they pay for a free bar it's invite only but if you're invited there's many drinks you want and I was doing late and live

same night right it's always dangerous that innit a free bar followed by late really late gig I dig it 3am

so me Eshan Akbar Thomas Green and Ed Hedges all together at the Dave party and I was like

I've got to do late and live and they were like that'd be funny as fuck let's go over there so they come with me now we used to play a game at hot water

and I tried to get them involved with it and I told them look let's have a bet you all give me a word. If I get it into me set, then you've got to buy me a pint. And if I don't, I've got to buy you one.

And you've got to get the word in context in a sentence. You can't just like say it. Say it, yeah. Yeah, so. It's got to make sense in the end. I think Ed gave me like, I can't remember what the words were. Ed gave me, you know, platypus

and Thomas Green said hot dog whatever what did you give me i said packies right oh i don't know i don't know which button to do but i'm just gonna go now explain to dan the second level to that bet that you gave it so i said get that word into everyone's howling and i had 200 quid in my pocket had a very good uber shift that night i said to adam listen i said to him I said to him... This is one of my favourite ones ever. We're only 23 minutes in.

Okay. I said to Adam, if you get that word in that's fine I'll buy you a drink but if you want this 200 quid I want you to go on stage and say any English in?

any Scots in? any Pocky in? do you know what? do you know what? I know he didn't? Do you know why I know you didn't have to give him 200 quid? Because if he did that I'd have already heard this story and not from him probably from one of the

national newspapers If I had two more drinks in me I think I would have done it, but it's a good job I didn't because that night Probably from one of the national newspapers. If I'd had two more drinks in me, I think I would have done it, but it's a good job I didn't because that night I was very, very drunk and the promoter, Fred, I had to apologise to her the next night because I was like, I'm sorry that I was so drunk.

Fred is one of the sounder people in comedy and she's had that apology before. You know when I got to the game? Yeah, you're not the first person to be drunk at 2.45am. But I walked on stage that night and went to do my Victoria's Secret but a very clunky

version of it so I walked on stage and fat people are starting to get fucking annoying aren't they and a girl with like dyed pink hair

on the front row went define fat and I went me and a bum do you know what? In that situation, that's a great answer. That is amazing.

Oh, it shut it down completely. But the best part about it was because they knew, because all the comics in the loft bar knew what he'd challenged me to do. There was a, you know, the side of late in life, there's about 15 comics, including Marlon Davis, who has got the most distinctive laugh in comedy. It's more distinctive than Jimmy Carr, once you know it.

And when that girl went, I went, me and above, you just hit a man and go... You know something interesting's happening at a gig, like late in life, when there's 15, 20 comedians all down the side. Yeah. Like with that look of expectancy in their eyes funny uh late and live times sneaky not as rock and roll as it used to be and it's late and

it's drunk but you're also you know there's comedy fans but they don't know as much as you think they might know and then you've got people going, I actually, I'm in the arts, so I know what's woke and what's not. And that's disgusting. It's actually a weirdly tricky gig. It's dead late. People are hammered. But also like, I think I saw Marcus Birdman,

who's one of the nicest guys in comedy, get called a racist. And you're like, oh, for the love of fuck. I've said this before, probably on our show. The later and more drunk people get the more easier it is to offend them because certainly with good provocative comedy

you're dancing on the line aren't you and if you've written it the right way I'm not talking about a new material night where anyone can cross the line and you know you're trying to work out where the joke is anyway but once you know your routine the idea is you're dancing along the line and you look like you're going to step over,

but you're not going to. And if you're listening, if you're watching that comic and listening properly, if they've written the routine right, you can't get offended. Because if you listen to every word, there's nothing to be really upset by. Totally.

But if you're not listening to every word, even the most perfectly written routine that dances right along that line, if you miss a few words, you go, hang on, did he just say something about this? No, all the context is gone. Exactly.

They had a word, like the late show at the store in London starts at 11 o'clock at night. And sometimes if you close it, you're on stage at half one and there's people falling asleep and tired and very drunk and they've been out all day

and they're not concentrating as much. and that's the show that people get people think like late's gonna be really it's late it's live it's day anything can happen apart from most things you know comedy can happen and it has to be within these restrictions if you're having a debate with someone if you're discussing something, it's so much easier when they're sober and they can listen. Even if they completely disagree with you,

you can reason with them. If they're drunk, it's harder and they're latching onto a word or something. That is true. Just pass me some blue roll, please.

That is true, but I've also had to debate sober Muslims before and some of them are fucking thick. We're not talking about wussies. Oh, there we go. What's happening? You have a spill?

You all right? Just getting a... Do you know what? I'm really comfortable. That fan is great. Got your own little fan. Thank you. Eh? You really look after the guests, so I appreciate that.

You're welcome. You look like the heaths as well, don't you? Finessex? Yeah, I do. I was white this morning i'm gonna cross the line on this episode i can't wait have a few words you bring it out to me you know there's not another person in the world who i want it there are so many people who say this to me, that you make me be racist. I'm like, what the fuck does that mean? Because you asked me to go on stage

and ask if there was any parkies in the shop. Just take that bit. Out of context, have a word. You're fucked. Jesus Christ it is true isn't it when like

if you don't know a comic and they're you're like you don't feel comfortable you're like maybe I'll do a joke with them but when you're comfortable you set a bar

with the jokes and then he's like oh fuck it that's where the bar is this is the worst possible friendship I can have because

like our friendship, we say the most horrific things to each other, both in person, on text. Like, I'm worried. If there's ever a leak, me and him are in prison. I'm not talking, like, a few tweets will be upset. We could go to jail for some of the shippies.

Luckily, the prisons will be crowded, though, won't they? If that leak is more than just you two, and it is, like, every dickhead in the country. I know. I've got to say the most offensive thing to make him laugh or the most ridiculous thing. And you do the same. But you bring race into it.

And because you bring it into our relationship, it makes me go, well, that's a hall pass. Have you all witnessed how the white guy is blaming me? Oh my God, God. Well, I don't do this with anyone else. I'm just going to put my mic down. I know three other Asian people raised. Congratulations.

I'm not one of them. Has ever been okay when I've called them that way. Sing, Hussain. Sing, Hussain. To the king of kings. The thing is, a bit of racist banter is funny though isn't it that has to be an understanding it has to be an understanding if you for one second thought i actually had any hatred you you wouldn't be sat here never mind okay in the banter intent is everything yeah and also yeah who's listening who's listening like that's what yeah but we've got one of the cooler bits of the internet haven't we like that's why i'm saying i can't wait to do

stand up for the have a word and like do have a word and friends like just stand up because i think all of that late night like i've heard a word i think we we're you know we were talking the other week about starting from minus 10 if you talk about certain issues or starting from zero. We're starting from plus 20. They've listened to 90 episodes of us going blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

They're like, yeah, that's my favorite bit. This is weirdly one of my worries that they're going to see some of my standup that's been developed in front of normal crowds and they'll be like,

oh, it's a bit vanilla. Alfie Brown said it the other week when we saw Alfie Brown. He was like, you're a bit more controversial on the podcast. I'm like, oh God, yeah, I am. I play it.

I put it on the fairway with my stand-up. We're getting the fucking rough around here, motherfucker. You are very amenable on stage. Right. And I'm a cunt on it. Yeah.

Yeah, it's just, it's probably'm a cunt on it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's just, it's probably not a good thing sometimes, I think. Do you reckon you'll find yourself doing more controversial stuff on stage? I would like to think I will have a different gear for that kind of gig,

for a Have A Word live show. Well, I think, and forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn at all, I think you will sort of, off this podcast, it's doing well, and we've been talking, and we're just parking here for a second saying to all our new listeners, and especially our old listeners who've been with us from day one, thank you so much for the support, but we've noticed over the past couple of weeks,

since we opened the studio the numbers are starting to snowball a bit and they're getting bigger and bigger yeah and it's no secret that we want to be doing stand-up tours both as have a word and also i do my own solo tours every year and you're going to be doing that as well i think you're going to be a lot more yourself like you are on the pod on that tour and doing exactly the setup you want to do but you're also sensible enough to go on a weekend people people who don't know me, I've got me 20 minutes set that I just put on the fairway. And there's nothing wrong with having

two completely different gears as a comer. I don't think punters ever consider it, but comics have to. It's being employable. Absolutely. When there's a gig offered, I can apply for every slot. And I have no ego.

If it's the same money, I happily open. I can comp her, I can middle, I can close. But I've been doing it 18 years, 18 and a half years. And the sharp corners get sanded down by just wanting to earn. And I don't do stuff that I hate, but I have edited out stuff when I've lost a crowd. If you do five gigs in a week or six gigs in

a week and four of them are in front of like we like comedy we like jimmy carr and we watch live the apollo sometimes and it's you know jemma's birthday then if you challenge them challenge them like adam's different he's from he's cut from a different cloth but i think the time that i've been playing to that sort of crowd has just sort of diluted what i do a little bit and it and last year sums it up perfectly i dumped a whole set after we got back from edinburgh to edinburgh in 2018 and within four five six months i'd written the uh swear on your swear on your daughter's life bit about the stag do the smoking bit about how cancer's a bastard and i'd also got a bit about fighting a child right three of my all-time favorite bits of stand-up and in the end i shelved them because i was i was losing

one in every three or four gigs because i would go to a gig everything was rolling and i would mention cancer the joke was it built to something else and and crowds would go and then I'd say when people are like you wouldn't swear on your daughter's life and I'd get crowds going that's not funny you should never do that doesn't matter how much I reason with it and that was a really sad little period I came back from one weekend in Glasgow

and I remember talking to Scott Bennett going I'm taking them out and I'm putting them on the shelf for another time because I am losing gigs here where it's saturday night and everyone's like and also then you look at the bill i'm not working with adam or you all the time i'm working with guys who are walking on going who's drinking i tell you what my girlfriend and me we like fritzel if there's one person in your group and he's a nomad he's probably you and then you get on and go cancer swearing your daughter's life the crowd's like this is mean

i tell you what i'd love there's loads of stuff that i enjoy about the podcasting but after this moving forward i would love it if i don't need it to be every gig could start going that's the whole set that i really want to do yeah yeah that is what i'm i'm looking forward to that's what happens with us as comics you kind of build your following so you can do exactly the stuff that you want to do but you're right there's a period where you've got to do the jokes that you know are just going to pay the bills and also get you booked saturday night friday night it's 250 quid or whatever i'm not so arrogant but even if you look at like

this is a bit random but Radiohead if you go and see Radiohead on a tour show they'll play a Radiohead fans show then if they're playing the Leeds Festival

or one of those they will play a this is the people who aren't as big a fans that's the gear isn't it to just go I had to learn this the hard way because I got chased out

of the annex of a mosque because okay let's have a word from our sponsors no that's enough that doesn't sound interesting god uh no go on go on so i was about seven months in this is the only mirth last and only mirth control gig i ever did first and last in a mosque that's so mirth control it was in the annex of a mosque right so what happened if you've never heard of mirth control i was gonna say i've never heard of them if you've never heard of a mosque it's where muzzy's going you know young boys sing something like that i've faded out um it's mirth controls they're promoters in in london and they are synonymous with know, car sharing and random postcodes that no one has ever put in fucking Google before to get to a gig.

And rooms you don't even know exist in buildings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Annex of a mosque. Annex of a mosque for what? It was an all-day fundraiser for Palestine, basically. And they wanted some comedy at the end of the gig. And true to form, it was a segregated gig. So the men were on one side, women on the other side they had the microphone on the men's side and speaker on the women's side and they said to me

brother obviously you know don't speak to the women right that's like red rag to a ball like i'm i want to impress i'm a comedian whatever so i go on stage and i go hello the worst thing you can tell a comedian yeah is don't do this yeah yeah so i went hello i walked over to the side and i went ladies and you could just feel the collective air in the room fucking disappear i went back and this i believe was fucking good because i went back and i said i think think they enjoyed that, but they're all. That did not go down well at all. Their eyes. I ripped it with their eyes.

Any English in? And he's still in. Do you imagine if you went, any package in? And they were like, yes. Seven of them there. do you imagine if you went any package in and they were like yes yes yep seven over there oh what is that oh that's his

anyway that place I have to put him you know what was wrong with that oh the other day on the podcast

I was it the patron episode I don't know it was one of the more interesting moments so for any of the Patreons you'll know, for any public listeners you won't yet.

I tried to do the difference between an Indian and a... You're from... Bangladesh? No, but Bangladeshi heritage. Your mum's Bangladeshi, dad's Pakistani. Right, okay. So I... So would you be able to differentiate between an Indian and a Bangladeshi accent?

Yes. So can you tell me whether this is accurate? Yes. Yeah? Let me set it up. Yeah, go on. So my Indian is sort of, like, slow, paced. Oh, Jesus.

I don't know. I want you to do the same sentence In an Indian accent and a Bangladeshi Maybe like a have a word thing Okay so Hello and welcome to the have a word podcast My name is Adam this is Dan We have Eshan here today That's Indian

Bangladeshi Hello and welcome to the have a word podcast We have Dan and Adam And Eshan is here today I know that italy has quite a sizable population that famous italian jamaican bengali community oh man i totally love pizza and curry oh and it's you my love so can you can you do both and show us what the before i do though hold on did you just get. So can you do both and show us what the actual difference is?

Hold on, hold on. Before I do, though, hold on. Did you just get the brown guy to do accents? Well, because you're telling me you know the difference. I do know the difference. But there'll be regions, won't there, as well? There will be. But how many Bangladeshis do you know that you base that accent on?

Half of one. And that's my accent. Oh, yeah. You've done it to yourself. I've done it to myself. Okay, so... Because we are known to be partial to an accent on this podcast. I don't know whether you're aware of that. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We do give them a crack every now and then. You know, it's a hobby for us, really. And it's just, it's good to have an extra profession. Okay, so... The big thing with Bangladeshi over Indian is Bangladeshis, instead of saying the letter V, they say the letter B. So beri instead of very. And any CH words are pronounced as an S.

I love how intently Dan is like... I just, honestly, I know no one can hear anything but in my head i'm hearing danger okay so an indian accent very very indian accent would be oh this is very good i'm very much liking what you are doing yeah b. Bengali. This is very good. I'm very much liking what you are doing. So they're more pissed off? Yeah. Oh. Because they're small

and they're also fluttering. Sorry. Okay. So, let me give it another crack. Hello and welcome to the Havarwad podcast with Dan Nightingale,

Adam Rowe and Eshan Akbar. Yeah. That's Indian. Yeah. Hello and welcome to the Hoverword podcast with Dan Nettingale, Adam Rowan, Eshan Akbar. Yeah, that's Indian. Hello and welcome to the Hoverword podcast with very good Dan Nettingale, very good Adam Rowan, very good Eshan Akbar. That's not bad. Yeah. It was more German Jamaican as well.

It was a bit German. It was a bit German Jamaican. Fucking. We've got to wear a fucking mask on this, don't we? Oh, God. We should have a word from our sponsors before we... Oh, yeah. Before they... Let's not give them a chance to cancel.

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Two mics, two leads, and a lot of time on their hands. This is Have A Word. It's time to have a word with Adam and Dan. Tell us all the problems. Fuck it. It's time to have a word with Adam and Dan. Tell us all the problems. Your head would defend.

This was supposed to be your whole podcast. Now it's just defined to 10%. What was that? I don whole podcast. Now it's just a fun attempt at it. What was that? I don't know. Singing. Doing a little bit of singing. Can I attempt a Scouse accent? Oh, yes.

This is going to be so offensive. Oh, is it? I want you to say, yes, get over here, you dirty rat. Can I, can I, I need to have like an entry phrase. They don't need to get into an accent.

So I need an entry phrase to get into the accent. I didn't. Yeah, but you're an expert. Racist. What do you want me to say? Get over here, you dirty bastard.

Dirty rat. Dirty rat. Dirty rat. Dirty rat. Okay, and scene. Have you done any acting proper? Only web series. Right, I've done two web series. Shot them both on the same day.

In the afternoon, I played a cafe owner. In the evening, I played a news agent. Who doubles up on acting gigs? This guy. Oh, for 20 quid each. 40 quid for a day's rent. We could have a whip around now and literally double your career earnings as a fucking...

Jesus. Come on, lads. My favourite fucking city is Liverpool. Get over here, you dirty lads. Are we doing a Scouse little person? That's not... It's very high-pitched, isn't it? My favourite...

Why are you doing a Scouse eight-year-old? My favourite player is Steven Gerrard. What's the matter with you? What's wrong with you? That's fucking awful. Fucking awful? That was fucking awful. Why are you doing a Scouse child?

You need to... They missed it. My favourite fucking cities, sorry. That's better. Me favourite, me favourite cities, Liverpool.

No, Liverpool. Me favourite cities, Liverpool. Liverpool. Liverpool. It's not got a what, it's not got a W.

Liverpool. Can we just say, the irony of Adam looking at Eshan like it's bang out of order. Fucking hell, you're doing it wrong. It's not pool, Liverpool can we just say the irony of Adam looking at Eshan like it's Bangalore fucking hell you're doing it wrong it's like

Puel you fucking racist fucking bigotty it was weird how you started that high pitch though my favourite city Liverpool

it's because of Jamie Carragher mister mister let me out of the box he's quite enthusiastic about his words he tries to get them on too quick doesn't he

I never understand we're watching a football and the way he passes it over the ear you can't really expect him to get any more what other accents have you got

we're putting together a database um Nigerian oh yes please okay so can we

can we do one of our auditions we did this with some of our guests. Oh, yeah, sure. So you're an actor. Yes. You've been brought in to our studio, and we're going to give you a nationality,

a job, and a scenario of someone. So it might be Mexican lifeguard who is, you know, he's having a bad day because he's lost a fiver. It might be something like that. Adam is becoming really fun for this. He gets lost in the weeds of his own role play. Right, he's maybe a Mexican. And then I could hear it happening.

He tried to tell her he's lost a fiver. He's upset. But also there's been a family, you know, there's been a car crash. He's, you know, and the electricity's gone off. And the favela is on fire. And his nan's dead. And go.

Scene. Scene. Let's... What about... So pick one of these. Pick one of these. We got... Okay, pick a number between one and...

Twelve. Eight. Eight. It's my lucky number. between one and twelve. Eight. That's my lucky number. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. So you are a Glaswegian. Oh, fuck. Right, I've got to pick a number between one and three.

Two. PE teacher. Glaswegian PE teacher. This is going to be so shit who has there he goes who's recently

been arrested on suspicion of drink driving it's good that inner car seat car's on board Eshan's face this is worth more than 20 quid Glas region

PE teacher has been arrested on suspicion of drink driving so I'll play the police officer Oh god Hey pal Get out the fucking car You're right pal

Has everyone been drinking That's the fucking Displace Jesus Christ The weirdest thing is That's the fucking piss place. Jesus Christ. I wrote that the weirdest thing is the people of Glasgow have already suffered

more than any other race or culture during the... Yeah, your pal had gone a bit fast back there, went, yeah, he wanted to just

step out and blow our nest. Hey, Kenny. Kenny's debut right now. Where have you been, pal? I've been teaching at school. Is everyone doing their shit? Oh, hey, what do you teach? Do a bit of running and a bit of gymnastics. don't be a running dad don't be a gymnastics mate

mate I don't that's the best episode we've ever done I don't think you I don't think you go down very well as a PE teacher

in Glasgow you fucking rolled in I think there would PE teacher in Glasgow. You fucking rolled in. I think there would be a myriad of problems. Fucking hell. Didn't do bad there. So, not bad. Pick a number between 1 and 13. Do it again.

Oh, yeah, yeah. 1 and 13, but not 8. 3. Venezuelan Oh my god 1 and 2 1 or 2 1 or 2 1

Nantes Nantes Venezuelan nantes Venezuelan pedophile Yes Who Is Trying

To get his hard drive back That he left on the bus Who am I talking to? So that he left on the bus. Who am I talking to? So you've come to the bus station. You've left your hard drive on the bus, and you're coming to me. Do you want to do this one?

I'll play the... You play the lady. I'll play the lady that works at Customer Relations at the Venezuela bus station. And you found this hard drive, and you're suspicious about why he wants it back because he's so sweaty. Go. All right. All right, welcome to the bus station. And you found this hard drive and you're suspicious about why he wants it back because he's so sweaty. Go. All right.

All right, welcome to the bus station. Welcome. What can I do for you? I'm Welsh. I moved to Venezuela. And now I work at the bus station. I'm not doing a fucking Venezuelan. I'm Welsh.

I've moved to Venezuela. It happens. Oh, that's not right. I'm sorry, love. You're Venezuela, it happens. Ola senorita. I'm sorry love, you're going to have to say that again. I actually speak Spanish but I missed a lot of that. OK. Ola senorita. The hard drive.

I needed the bit. I'm doing the noises because it's a paedophile, so it's just creepy. Do I, do paedophiles make noises? Just go with it. We get it. We're on board. We're a very experienced acting agency.

You're lost and found. Where is it? She's actually quite good. I've had to do this before. I'm surprised at how good that is. I don't know, love. We uploaded a few of the images on the computer here in the Venezuelan bus station. It's not good as well.

There's a breach of my privacy. The Venezuelan bus station. It's not good as well. That's a breach. That's a breach of my privacy. The Venezuelan bus station. Yeah. But the thing is, that's a breach. I don't think GDPR

covers Venezuela. You know. GDPR. How hot is it GDPR? I don't think accepting cookies has got anything to do with the, you know,

I seen a fucking eight-year-old's bald bag on your hard drive and i said you are i'd expected of a glaswegian pe teacher but i don't i don't expect it of a venezuelan i need your help i need can i just write down your name write like 10 jobs down just come up with a list of 10 jobs i'm gonna can i write your details down what's your your name, please, sir? I'm going to pass this on to my supervisor. Me llamo... Me llamo Cardinale.

Cardinal? All right, fair enough. We're going religious again, are we? Cardinale Josef. Josef? All right. I dare you to not think of a footballer's name right now. This is going to come out fucking

Raúl Moreles Morientes Cardinal Raúl Morientes Lovely Are you writing this down? I actually did it. I got so into the role. What is it you do?

What camera do you use? Lovely picture quality. Gain on MP50. I'm so hot. Because it's it's canon because it's religious he's doing he's doing religious

fake phone phone anyway very good very good fucking hell Adam was out of that

when he's prepping he's signed out do you have some jobs I have are we doing it again we'll do at least one more maybe two I'm having fun

because it turns out Ejan you this is the most fun We've had for ages So we're not gonna like Yeah that's enough for that Oh Jesus

Cardinal Raul Miranda Jesus Mate I tell you And I'll give you your dues Under pressure You don't have role play well So

Give you your dues 1 to 15 Immigrants Immigrants Immigration Looking out Anyway Doesn't matter

1 to 15 But you can't have 3 or 8 Okay 14 Okay And How many jobs have you got? I've got 10

A number between 1 and 10 Can I choose 8 again? Yeah Water slide attendant A Cockney water slide attendant Okay I've got a story about this Genuinely Genuinely Not water slide attendant. Okay, I've got a story about this. Genuinely. Genuinely.

Not water slide attendant. All right, Ross Noble. I auditioned to be on EastEnders. Right. Okay. And I got to the fourth round. What? They normally have three, but they call me...

Like the FA Cup. You have to get to the final and win, and then you get to be the new Mitchell brother. Yes. Is it the round? Fucking love you get to be the new Mitchell brother yes is it the round fucking love it if you were the new Mitchell brother

can you imagine look at your eyes and the thing is the episode would end very quickly because I'd come on screen in the first scene and be like

why is he brown you know haven't they not got an Asian family they have I was auditioning to be in the Asian family oh I think I'm going to say something then I i got stuff as an asian person do you find it

slightly annoying when there's like an asian family no i'm backing out of this conversation no no no carry on no no you waited in i i always think yeah they don't look like a family they all look like it's some asians couple together yeah yeah yeah yeah it looks like what an east ender casting person went yeah yeah they're all asian aren't they a bit like the street in walthamstow like oh these are all asian shops like and they're like yeah okay i don't know what i did there it was good though yeah okay got to the fourth round they said he shandit look we really like you you're good for the, but you're quite middle class. All right.

Can you do Cockney or East End? And I said, listen, I was born in Whitechapel. I am a Cockney through and through. I can do it. And they said, okay. So I said, go ahead, do these lines. And I said, can I go out of the room and come back in and I can have the character?

If you didn't walk in and go, oi, oi. I walked out of the room, come back in and I can have the character. If you didn't walk in and go, oi, oi. I walked out of the room, opened the door and said, all right, mate, how's it going? Before I finished the going, the card game went, okay. No. And the other one went, I don't know if that's racist, but it's something. That is going to be the little clip

at the end of the video I don't know if that's racist but it's something right Cockney Waterslide Cockney Waterslide but what's happened

in his life you need to give us the scenario Cockney Waterslide attendant who is just he's just lost am I going all bleak now i'm doing what you

do like he's just lost lost one of the kids he's really nervy because one of his own kids and one of the kids no one of the kids died recently on the water slides just got fucked off right through the water into the car park and he's just a bit parent of of the dead oh no no no he's had a fat kid get stuck in the tube okay and i'm the parents of the fact of the dead kid. Oh, no, no, no. He's had a fat kid get stuck in the tube. Okay. And I'm the parent of the fat kid. Of the fat kid. Okay.

Okay. Oh, Adam's getting into parent mode. Where's the parent going to be? London as well? All right, mate. Manchester. Oh. All right, mate.

Where's our fucking Tony? Who's Tony? He's a fucking... Oh, is he the fucking reason I had to close the fucking water slide? What are you on about? Me fucking water slide's fucking blocked up because you're fucking Tony.

What have you done? I haven't got nothing. I've gone through shit loads of fairy liquid trying to get out of this fucker. What have you done with that, Tony? Where is it? You're fucking, you see the fucking dam over there? There's a reservoir of fucking water. There's Tony on the other side.

And there's all these fucking foams because the fucking fairy liquid ain't getting the fat fucker out. What you feeding? Fucking pie and mash every fucking morning? I'll re-plug back a few energy drinks, you fucking cunt. This guy. You've only had two 20 quid jobs acting. Mate. That's worth at least fucking 50 right there.

Oh, God. I need one more before we move on. that's worth at least fucking 50 right there oh oh god I need one more before we move on you actually need one I need one more oh my god I'm having so much fun

I really wanna I really wanna see if we can do what number do you want me to say I want you to say nine okay nine and what's what's

between one and ten but you can't have eight three masseur gay Okay, nine. And what's, what's, uh, what, between one and ten, but you can't have eight? Three. Messua. Gay. A Northern Irish messua. But I want him to be flirty and a little bit, like, you know,

like, nearly all gay comedians on the circuit, like, Are what? Inappropriate with all other men okay like to the extent that you're like wow that maybe one day we'll look back and think that probably

wasn't alright hello hashtag men too yeah yeah yeah straights too I refuse to answer on the grounds I may incriminate

myself so you're a little bit too flirty okay can I am I playing the, am I? Client. Hello.

Hi, hi. Should I just lie down? There's a lot. The power of my shower is very strong. I just want a massage, not a shower. I'll give you a massage. Do you want me to lie down on my front or my back? Wherever you like.

Northern Irish masseur. Northern Irish masseur. I've got really bad... My back's bad. I've got knots in my back. Can I... Okay. Well I've got really bad my back's bad I've got I've got knots in my back can I okay

well that's really bad I think I think I moved I moved from South to Belfast alright lie on your back

Bengali Bengali that's just your voice no I don't know I'm just trying to do an Irish accent. You lie on your back and I'll make sure you're oiled up

really nice. Who the fuck is that guy? Who the fuck is that guy? Khabib, get here, you bastard. Get here, you bastard. Off the fuck track. That might be the worst accent I've ever heard.

I swear to God you went Bengali in the middle of that. He did. I am going to... Very, very bad. You have got a very nice beck. Put it on your prant. What's your favourite job on the list? He's picked it, really.

Second favourite. I'll fuck him. Bus driver. I'll give you a back rub. I'm ready for this. second favourite bus driver I'll give you a back rub I'm ready for this Sadiq Khan's dad was a fucking bus driver

Nigerian bus driver I can do this who has just ran over four children what colour are the children

three are white and one you don't know yet. Okay. I'm assuming they're all white. There's rumours that he isn't. Okay.

Hey, welcome to the bus. Upset me, nasty bitch. Where do you want to go? We started this episode make it quick because I need to get out of here very quickly at the start of the episode you couldn't do the fucking

have a word lady to save your life I tell you what a lot's changed in an hour you can use contactless just touch it do you know what I think made this not okay contactless just touch it do you know what i think made this not okay you need an entry phrase could you imagine if this if everything we've said the whole content of this episode had been with justin morehouse a couple of weeks ago how cancelled we would about to be oh my, my God. You need an entry phrase, and mine is A.

The fucking speed booms around here are getting ridiculous. I thought it was another boat, but it wasn't. A lot of the times I just go over them in the bus, but this one start crying. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Hercules. Can we have a word? Can we have a word?

Can we have a word with ourselves? How do you follow that? How do you follow that? Have you got any questions? I've just written why Why Oh Fucking hell

Oh dear Shall we try and do some Shall we try and do a A podcast That's That's releasable Lads Lids

You're two of my favourite lids on the planet I'm really sorry. Brilliant. I think this might have to be a Patreon exclusion. No, fuck that. It's going out. It's too good. What?

It's going out. It's got to go out. Let's deal with a little bit of correspondence. Mark Hammond says, lids, help me out. Wait, as in the secretary, the former chancellor.

What? Mark Hammond. Yeah, Mark. That's Philip Hammond. Philip. Yeah, his brother, Mark. Lids, help me out. In our group chat

the other day, me and my wife got called posh cunts. Yes, definitely his brother. Yeah. Purely on the basis we have our own separate towels.

I was fucking wounded. Explain if if they had a teenage son who sweated like a nonce in a playground they'd have their own towels are we posh Tory cunts or are my mates indeed scrubbers like we call them keep up the good works he's literally he's had mates call him

mate I've been called a Tory on this podcast for fucking all sorts. The one that still stings a little bit was because I had watermelon Lucasade and he had a fucking massive go at me for being a Tory. Look at Carl. Is it a bit Tory, that? It's borderline, innit?

It's orange or original and then... Everything else is a bit Tory. It's a bit close to the bone. I just... It's orange. I don't like ordinary original but people do, don't they?

Original is only for if you're in hospital with some sort of transplant or operation. Do you remember the Sweeties, LucasAid energy tablets? They came out

fucking years ago. Oh yeah, I didn't have them. Me and my mate are packing it at half each one sports day. Tried to do

performance enhancing drugs for sports day. Just kept eating them and then didn't win the sports day tried to do performance enhancing drugs for sports day just kept eating them and then didn't win their sports day because it wasn't you know nandrilo

nandroline whatever you're you're not this is ridiculous I finished second from last in my school

four mile steeplechase but the Cree thing about this is I finished the wrong way because I got lost four mile steeplechase what's a steeplechase a steeplechase but the Cree thing about this is I finished the wrong way because I got lost. Four mile steeplechase?

What's a steeplechase? A steeplechase is when the seniors, the juniors get a head start of 25 minutes and then the seniors go, we do the same four mile route. Steeplechase?

Is that where you have to jump over things and there's like water troughs? It's cross country. I went to a private school. Yes you did. Yes you did, yeah. Because you have runs called steeplechase Is that where you have to jump over things It's cross country, I went to a private school Yes you did Because you have runs called steeplechases

What we did was released one of the Local poor children And we chased them down Here's the thing, so fast So ill, the lack of nutrition You'd really think a diet of Wotsits would really slow them down I was the local poor kid because i got into this

school on a scholarship and when you when i come out the school gates it'd be like range rover range rover my dad's honda record and then range rover range rover everyone called me honda but they call me e-honda because see that shows the difference between where you grew up and where i grew up because you were seen as a poor kid because your dad picked you up in a Honda Accord. My dad got me on the handlebars of his bike. Can you imagine me and my dad trying to get on the bike too? It'd be fucking awful. A Honda Accord by us. It's a good car, isn't it?

It was a great car. A fucking Honda Accord. You're fucking sorry. But yeah, I was the poorest kid in school. it's a good car isn't it it was a great car a fucking hundred a car you're fucking sorry but yeah I was the poorest poorest kid in school yeah you have separate towels though don't you this is just ridiculous

don't feel bad literally Mark everyone's got separate towels but your mates are fucking scrubbers yeah of course everyone's got separate

I don't understand who why would you who would you share towels with you've got to have a hand towel. What? Oh, God. You really, honestly.

So you have your own hand towel in the house? We just have one. Me and my missus use a towel. I use a towel. We don't share. I don't use any towel. But she wants. But I've got a stack of hand towels.

So we have a towel on the back of the bathroom door. And that's the one you use until it smells weird. then oh you share towels no we have one each yeah okay but like i use that like after i've brushed my teeth back in the bathroom door wipe it on that yeah it's not a bit musty why do you not like air it out or dry it yeah now just put it on the hook yeah but then it hangs and doesn't it feel a bit musty yeah and when it hangs like that

it doesn't air no well it's sad it's normally dry the next day it's a bit crusty sometimes but well it might be a bit musty

no just use it for me face balls I only do me balls in the bath or the shower

yeah I don't I don't give me balls so you have a main towel and a hand towel and I've got a

stack of ten towels ten smaller hand towels for when I wash my hands and balls. So you have a main towel and a hand towel. And I've got a stack of 10 towels, 10 smaller hand towels, for when I wash my hands and my face. Have you got OCD? That is the most like, I have 10 hand towels. One for each finger and thumb. Yeah, it was just the packet came in. The what?

Full circle. The packet, there are fives packet There are five There are five hand towels So yeah We use the hand towels For our hands and face And we have a basket For the hand towels

Which we then wash And I've got My normal towels So Does everyone in your house Have a hand Who do you live with? My dad

Just you and your dad? Not your brother? No So just you and your dad So does your house have a hand? Who do you live with? My dad. Just you and your dad? Not your brother? No. So just you and your dad. So does your dad have a separate towel or do you share a towel? Separate towel. And we've also got a stack of guest towels. Right.

When people stay. Do you live in a mansion? No. I mean, that was a considered no, wasn't it? No, it's not a mansion. It's not. I've done some renovations recently which make it look bigger, but it's not a mansion. No, renovations don't make anything look bigger. Yeah, but in London, if you have a third bedroom, it's not a mansion. I have done some renovations recently which make it look bigger, but it's not a mansion. No, renovations don't make anything look bigger.

Yeah, but in London, if you have a third bedroom, it's essentially a stable home. How many bedrooms is there? Four. In London? Fucking hell, boy. You're doing all right, aren't you? Aye.

It's all that sick, inferred property. Multi-occupancy landlord business. Hang on, what was this? What extent? What have you done? What renovations have you made to a four- this what extent what have you done what renovations have you made to a four bedroom what have you done

we've got a new conservatory roof a new toilet downstairs new kitchen new flooring new rewiring new bathroom upstairs and a new cupboard for all the hand towels

towels yeah and a cupboard for the staff no you got any staff not in this country the best one we've ever done what such a good time I can't

I'm so hot and tired the podcast is called have a way I know it doesn't need to be every time though we've not we sometimes don't do have a word

and I've just read through it, and it's dog shit. It literally... Up your game, worders. It literally... You know how we've just sort of saved that title banter? Just about.

I'm just looking at this going, this episode has been way too good to bog it down with... We get some great ones. The internet's not working. This I printed out. I regret it. Come on, worders.

Fix up. Oh, okay. Well, if you do have problems with your friends, family, and you want us to just have a go at anyone in society, have a word pod at gmail.com and we'll sort it out.

Get in touch with us if your neighbour's being a dickhead, mowing the lawn too early in the morning, is your dad a smackhead, you want to have an intervention, we'll do it out get in touch with us if your neighbours being a dickhead moan the lawn too early in the morning is your dad a smackhead you want to have an intervention we'll do it for you

are we going to get out of this I really feel like all of us are sat here going I probably should say something about race in some way

if you Bombay mix anyone no if you accents Bengal I have loved this episode if you have enjoyed it

there's loads more available there's loads on the likes of Apple Spotify Podbean places like that and we've

very recently this will be you know we've very recently started putting them on YouTube youtube.com slash have a weird pod

go and watch them in glorious HD you might be watching this right now if you are subscribe to the channel for us ring the bell means you get a little notification every time we upload a video leave a comment do all that good shit the more comments likes and subscribers we get the better it is for us the better it is for you help us build something special it's going well eshan

that was fucking phenomenal will you come back again soon please I would absolutely love to yeah I really had a great time guys bye can we do it in Bengali

bye Felicia bye Felicia bye Felicia what bye Felicia bye bye Felicia bye Felicia

see you later have a very good time Felicia don't don't touch it don't touch it disgusting follow me michael packentier oh yeah have you got anything you want to plug uh i do a podcast on tuesdays called doing bits live which adam was woefully unprepared for and just could not be bothered it was he's good though isn't he? He can wing it, he can wing it. I just turned up and he was like,

so do you have any new material that you want to run through? I was like, no. Oh, is that what this is? No. So doing bits live on Tuesdays. Just turns up with his big dick energy. Doing bits live on Tuesdays.

Check out 929 on Spotify. And on Saturdays, I am the regular host of an 11 till 4pm show on, guess what? The BBC Asian Network. Yeah, tune in. Thanks for coming in, mate. We'll see you very soon. See you soon.

Bye, guys.