Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #82 with Daniel Sloss - IN STUDIO - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: August 24, 2020

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It's like a speakeasy for two lids and Adam starts saying all sorts of shit. It's kind of becoming my favorite bit of the pod. And you can get all of this for as little as three pounds, which is the equivalent of buying me or Adam a pint, or half a pint in fucking London. Sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, jeez.

Let me muscle again. Oh, Hercules, Hercules. Oh, you think darkness is your ally again. Oh, Hercules, Hercules. How are you so dark? This is your ally. Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? Don't chat to me. I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station.

Disgusting. Follow us on social media at Have A Wad Pod. And don't forget to watch our very funny podcast videos on YouTube. Ja! They go by Alan and Dave, Aaron and Dean, Grandad and the Yeti, or even Chanel and Denise. But what's for sure is they are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Down your tub or shandy and tell a friend.

This is Have a Wad. he licked his lips like i'm gonna to get you I'm going to get you Back in the game Back in the game I tell you what You know because we got used to doing this Like six times a week And then three times a week And sometimes four and whatever

Oh yeah These two days a week are so Nice now aren't they I have picked Carl up before I was like wait I was driving with one hand I was all happy I've walked in

Studio's amazing You really appreciate it When you don't see it as much I was like, whee! I was driving with one hand, I was all happy. I've walked in. Studio's amazing. You really appreciate it when you don't see it as much. You look and feel about fucking ten years younger. There was a point at the end of May where you were hairy as fuck, just, like, grimacing at me down a Zoom angle, like, well, before we're doing this again. And now it's like, my god fresh i've got

gigs i've got live i've got things coming up i've got a haircut it's amazing oh we have got gigs we have got gigs now obviously this goes out monday for uh most people patrons get a couple of days early but yes they do um we've got we record this on fridays now so we've got i've got two gigs tonight i've got three tomorrow i've got one on sunday. So I've got two gigs tonight. I've got three tomorrow. I've got one on Sunday. Stop fucking hoarding all the gigs, you whore. Yeah, I'm so excited. Just remember, it is the door closed, Carl, because I just called Adam a whore really loudly,

and we're in a place of work. It's not. The doors are wide open. Shall we point out the new addition to our backdrop? So as our regular watchers will know, and anyone listening hasn't got a fucking clue what we're talking about, but in our studio, we normally have a Rick and Morty poster here. We've replaced it with a print that's been made for us by a listener

and a lovely girl I used to work with called Ellie. Now, on Instagram, she is at Ellie Fairway. A lovely girl I used to work with called Ellie. Now, on Instagram, she is at Ellie Fairway. That's E-L-L-I-E-F-A-I-R-W-A-Y. And she's made us a quote from episode 20, and we know that because she's put episode 20. I love that she's done that. That's a lovely touch.

It's so nice, isn't it? What's it say, Dan? It says... Do you know what? I can't remember the context of it, but you know in exact you know you look at something you're like let's have a word that i could that's one of yours though no you said it about me no you did so it says pasty pasty salt and pepper chicken come ask come

suck me dick suck me dick tits past these chips if you've never listened to the have a word podcast podcast or watch on youtube this is what it is. You're like, oh, those words. Probably not for you then, Ducky. So we got a would you rather that said, would you rather something or every thought you have appears in a speech bubble above your head? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would be my speech bubble. And now, weirdly, it's just above my head as a speech bubble uh we've got some people are sending in some amazing stuff and people are being like the the feedback from everyone's amazing i yeah and stuff like that i really love it and i also got recognized in a restaurant on uh wednesday on Wednesday and I want to thank Rianne for making my wife pretty jealous I think she was fuming wasn't she she was so fake fuming

but you know when because like Laura's got a fucking good sense of humour but you know when you're like there's about 90% ban and 10% truth on this shit so I was in a doing the 50% restaurant thing thing 50 of food discount you

know like getting our taxpayers money to fund your dinner yes mate i fucking you know why because i'm a fucking tech there um i was just on the way to the toilet and this woman stopped me and i was like i don't know i honestly thought I'd just come out of the toilet and it was one of those they didn't call it a unisex they called it a gender neutral a gent that's it

I was going to say non-gender specific gender neutral toilet which is just go down there it doesn't matter if you've got a dick

or a fanny toilet whenever you want over there get your dick out get your flaps out whatever you need to piss out of. Amazing. Brilliant. As we talked about on the Patreon the other week, I'm all for it.

How old were you when you knew women don't just piss out of their fanny? Okay, good. I'm really glad you asked that question there because that felt really pertinent. 28. Not 28. i reckon i was like 23 i used to think it'd just come out of the fanny hole what were you doing watching soft porn

no i i asked a woman about it for some like i asked someone a question they were like we don't piss out of our actual fanny hole we have a little little pipe. And I was like, oh. A little pipe? They do this. They just have a little willy, don't they? Yeah, well, whatever it's coming out of, they don't want to be sharing a bathroom with men, do they? Why are you so disgusted? You're such a wordsmith, aren't you?

Yeah, he is. Got a pipe. It is a little pipe. It's just a hole, isn't it? It's just a small hole. It's a hole connected to a pipe. Yeah, but you can't see the pipe. You can.

If you really try. I was today... Jesus Christ. The imagery of Adam there, I'm not even going to reenact it, because it's so gynecological, and poor old Jade popped into that. Where the fuck did that come from?

Gynecological. Well, in and around it, but I just sent you going, I can see the pipe! With your eye? With my eye, I can see it! I think I can see the future! Jay's like, get off, just come on, let's get this done. Come on, Jay!

It's my birthday, you said I could do anything! I'm finding the pipe! I really, whatever, gender neutral bathrooms, I'm all for it if it's very modern, but there is going to be a lot of women going, oh, oh God, who was just in here? And I thought that was what was about to happen. And I'd only gone for a little, a little piddly pee.

And I came out and she went, excuse me. And I honestly just, you know, that internal shame of being a bloke where you're like, I have made so many bathrooms a hate crime. I was like, oh, and she went, I have been watching many bathrooms a hate crime I was like oh and she went I have been watching all your podcasts and I was like fuck there was a family near us you know because it was like near their table so they were like who's this guy and I was like no one you fucking know and she's like oh I loved it I think it's been brilliant the entertainment you and Adam have

I'm absolutely I'm a massive fan I'm sure you get recognized all the time and i nearly social distancing means you can't do this i nearly grabbed her by the arm to drag her closer to laura could you just say that again and then i nearly went oh my wife is and then i went of course i don't need to say my wife because she's listened to the podcast she knows it's laura i was like laura is gonna be so annoyed that this has happened until rihanna's an attractive lady i was like thank you very much thank you enjoy your piss or gender have a nice week and then way around and i was so fucking happy laura's like piss off you didn't i was like yes mate if i was the one leaving that bathroom she wouldn't have spoke to me yeah she should have been like, oh, I'm never listening

to that podcast again. Can I just say, is it Adam Rowe from the Have a... Have a... Oh, my eyes! Oh, my eyes! Who are you? It doesn't sting your eyes, but it just ruins your nostrils. Alright, okay. Which is,

you know, can make your eyes water, can't it? I suppose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't use that bathroom for my one hole now you want i was just saying you know because the one hole thing anyway did you know that quite early on i remember having a conversation with my bezzy mate fraser when we were about 12 13 stay over at his house and we'd watch um the free 10 minutes of porn on the porn you know like the adult the adult channel is that right do 10 minutes at midnight so and then you'd be like oh god i want more and like there'll be i think i remember one night where it didn't code out to the to the white noise gray screen and we just got to watch two and a half hours of porn it was like free porn oh my god um i think it was then we were first discussing like hang on doesn't what's going on here i wasn't

23 though like it was a good it was like teenage yeah i used to want to setter. Remember that? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Did you ever get after that? No, I know what it is. Like, Euro trash and all that. Yeah, it was that sort of thing. But Carl's like that, isn't he? He's like, no, I didn't. I masturbated while reading the classics. I crack one out to Dostoevsky.

What were you doing, Adam? I was watching to an in-depth interview with an Eastern European woman who didn't know what day it was yes we're dancing this club we have all of the outfits this is outfit central little Adam

go on show us your pipe that's why your dad thought you were gay for ages get your pipe out for the lot i think euro trash and you can't talk about euro trash that was on in the 90s and early noughties without being a hat comedian like bloody hell you're masturbating and then mr penguin came on like it any any comedian who i've ever seen try and do euro trash does the same bit because it's so fucking true. There would be like a sexy two and a half minutes

where like, oh, this is a Hungarian porn star. You'd be like, oh my God. And then it'd just be some fucking nonce in a penguin suit in France. And you'd be like, oh God. And you're so close. And then the worst bit would be like, if he just popped up just as you were finishing

and then you were like enjoying yourself still, but he's on the screen but mate that happened all the time you know what I mean you're 14 you can't stop

like when you're in your bedroom having a wank and then your nan rings you and it comes up on your phone as you're finishing you're like oh god like the Bernie Mac

bit what am I doing oh hello oh oh no you alright what are you doing what am I doing? Oh, hello. Oh, no. You all right, Adam?

What are you doing? Oh, what am I doing? Oh, wanking the penguins. Have you ever rang Babe Station? Or something like that? Have you ever called in? No. Have you not?

But I want to do it more than I've ever done. I've just decided we need to put something on the expense account I rang him once and just giggled and put the phone down oh yeah I was like 14 or something I was young

and rang up and finally got through and she went hi big boy what do you want? Big boy. Or whatever. Mate, that is call centre hack, isn't it? You all right, big boy? Hello, big boy.

What are you up to today? And I just went... And just put the phone down. It cost me six quid. Do you know what? I bet that happened. I bet that happened about 43 times a day. There'll be an industry name for them.

Yeah, fucking... We've got a giggler. We've got a giggler! You're all right, love. I'd love to try and freak one of them out. Hey, what you up to? Yeah, nothing. What what you up to Yeah nothing What are you up to

I bet they've heard it all though haven't they Do you reckon I always just think like If I was ever lonely Like single living on my own Bored Could you just ring them for like a normal chat I bet

I'd love to put a? Well, I bet. I'd love to put a percentage of it. I bet about 30, 40% of the regular phone money they make is from people who think they've got like sad, lonely men who think they've got a connection. And like, it's probably the same. No, but I don't want to be that guy. I just want to ring up and go, listen, love. Right, obviously you,

because they have it on silent on the telly, don't they? Just have a bit of music so you can't hear what she's saying. And she's just on the phone. So, right. What does it do, yeah? I understand that you've got to pretend that we're talking sexy air, but I just really want to, like, slag me dad off. Is that all right?

What if you rang up, like, depressed? Like, I know you, I know no one can hear me on the TV station and you've got to keep thrusting. I've just been so lonely since Carol died.

She's got to be like, I've been thinking about suicide, I'm thinking about ending it and she's like, tell me more. Oh no. Tell me more. Like,

have you got a car? You've got so much to live for. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Oh, don don't do it Think about these big tits There must be I'm now thinking about it Babestation must have a code word To get like the Samaritans online too

Listen Adam I can't talk anymore You're too sexy But Nigel From the switchboard Listen, Adam, I can't talk anymore. You're too sexy. But Nigel from the switchboard is going to put you in touch with someone who can help. Good luck. Never in my life have I felt this uncomfortable. I've never felt this weirded out.

I bet they are. I bet they do. I bet they are I bet they do I bet they have to be like love love don't do it but on the TV screen don't do it don't do it

you think that's how you convince people to not kill themselves listen just don't do it there you go problem solved that's how you stay alive I'm having themselves. Listen, just don't do it. There you go, problem solved. That's how you stay alive. I'm having a really hard time with my phone bill.

It's just £423 a week. Well, just pay it then. Well, never mind that, but don't kill yourself. Keep on the line. Keep on the line. Do you reckon they're on, like, commission? Or, like, a flat hourly rate? Do you reckon if they keep you on the phone longer,

they get more money? Yeah, good question. I think you might get paid, yeah. But then again, if you're getting asked for, it's a bit like being a headliner in a comedy club, isn't it? You're going to earn more money. Yeah, they put the fucking open spots on first, don't they? Those first few hours.

Do you think, when's the key time for Babestation? I think first few hours is when more people are awake. Or maybe they put the open spots on at the end then, like in America. Headline first. Yeah. And by like, I've never seen it at 5am, but some ropey one with like one eye and a fucking stump. Hello. I don't hear so good, you're going to have to shout up.

Welcome to birth station right now. It's too far, wasn't it? It was the way you were holding it. Do you know that gave me a bit of anxiety? Because it's so rare that I go too far and Adam's going, no, no, no. I'm like, oh, shit. I wasn't, no, no, no. I'm like, oh, shit.

I wasn't going no, no, no. I was really enjoying it. I thought you were going, Dan, we're going to have to restart the episode. I was like, oh, shit. Oh, absolutely not. Babes station. What about, when does Babes station, is it not just on all day now? Oh, you can't have Babes station on in the afternoon.

Just, you've got to at least let the kids get home from school. Oh, yeah. Who's ringing Babes station at 8.45? Hiya, you're on rush hour With Mandy Why do they all sound like bricklayers? Yeah, because they're the fucking C-team, aren't they? They're like the third choice goalkeeper They're the Rob Green of Babestation TV

Pick up a weed hiya it's Monday I'm on drive time right and as ever we've got a rule no wanking in traffic so looking forward to gigs then that's funny

I did a gig in a garden yesterday did you with Freddie yeah with Freddie Quinn and Rob Moore Holland

mashaAllah oh I've just pressed the thing my chest just lowered I'm on glue today I'm in a really good mood

I did a gig in a garden and not done one before how was it it was weird wasn't it really good i had a very good time i am i've had those two couple of gigs finding my feet and i've said it on the podcast but now i'm actually starting to enjoy it one thing i'm not good at yet is remembering the order of my set that skill has sort of eluded me in the five

months the bits are coming out right my timing's good the new bits are working the old bits that were i want to keep are good but i just sort of can't cook like i'm having that moment in the middle of a set going you know when he's like slightly too long where i'm clearly going the fuck am i talking about but um there is something very unusual about being in someone's garden with a microphone that rob mull holland has put on slightly too loud you know we just shut the door because we don't want our colleagues in this like office building to hear us shout whatever someone's paid for a garden gig but their neighbors don't want to hear pasty pasty salt and pepper chicken come ask it was yeah it's very loud and

this isn't any in any way a criticism but you know everyone keeps talking about this new circuit that we've got indoor gigs online gigs and uh garden gigs and there's there's some pub garden gigs i can see who's gonna thrive in. And it's the people who've got fucking gears and experience who don't go, this is my set. This is the stuff I'm working on. I'm doing it. Now I know we've talked about this before. I know there's something quite like purist about that, but you're in a fucking garden. And it was like, I did a live stream gig and I'm not going to talk about the app that did it, but started talking about like pussy smelling. And you're like, it's a live stream gig

and you're on first and everyone's watching on their laptop. They've just got the kids to bed. They're like, well, we watched the, we watched this live stream gig together on a Saturday. And all of us, you're like, that's not the right bit for the situation. And I felt that last night.

I was like, not that anyone had a bad gig, but I think you've got to be adaptable. That's how it felt. Like the one we're doing together on Sunday in Liverpool, that's going to be a gig gig, isn't it? Yeah, someone's garden. There's just a tone to it. Like there were kids who weren't allowed to be at the gig the owners of the house

were really good like that they had them in the front garden playing but you could hear children playing like there is like there is oh that puts a slight limit on what you feel like okay let me uh dive into this i can't do me michael jackson routine when you can actually hear children i mean i can't be i can't be on a fucking empty crater beer going well you know those kids should be gratefully fucked them or someone's next door going slides it's amazing it's amazing the difference isn't it when people come to us and when we go to them if as a comic you can't distinguish between the two you're gonna have bad gigs because when people come to your comedy club,

you say, you're on my territory. Yeah. My house, if you don't like it, then leave. Literally. If you're in their house. Literally their house. And nearly was like, can I use your toilet? I was like, oh my God, it's going to be a family toilet.

So yeah. Have you done a garden gig at all yet? No. No. If you needed a poo, would you have gone? I didn't even go for a wee. I just went in the bushes across from the house, and there was like a...

I went over the road. I just thought, I can't... It's too cringey. I see it. That's something that I... Because I knew you were going to be like that. Right. I'd do a poo in someone's house.

If I'm doing a gig for them, for a bucket split. Is that a bucket split? Yeah. Yeah, I'm shitting in your house. Toilet or no toilets but yeah everyone was that's the rules innit

they've got 35 people in the garden someone needs a plop if you don't like it you shouldn't have put it on I I'm just enjoying gigging at the moment

but this whole thing I keep hearing it from Freddie mainly who's like let me tell you how everything's going to work and i'm like i love freddie but my god sometimes i'm like do do we have conversations or do you just tell me how life is because that's how let me tell you what i've been uh pontificating about you know he speaks confidently with no research it's one

of my favorite things about them sometimes i'm like Freddie Do you want to discuss it Or do you want to just tell me how it is No no How it's going to be But I Yeah I just I don't know I found myself thinking about us

And whether we do a garden gig Because he was like I think these are going to be Around next summer And I think beer garden gigs I've done a couple Are great fun Because you're in a pub

They're going to be around next summer People's garden gigs aren't. People want gigs in their garden at the minute. And when I say people, 20 people so far in the whole country have done garden gigs, maybe. It's because they're dead bored. People are bored and they can't go out to the theatre or to the comedy club or whatever. They can't go. So the people who love comedy have gone, yeah, we'll just do it in the garden.

They've seen that it's available and they've took it when when you when all the stuff is available people aren't doing that it's of its time isn't it's of this time and it's great i think it's brilliant i've seen there's a scottish comedy promoter alan anderson who divides opinion at best hi alan and the other day he commented on freddy's get freddy's thing about the garden gigs like is this the future we're working for and it's like no alan it isn't but it's the present we've got to put up with alan it's the rent we're working for jesus fucking christ pull your head out your backside it was like alan sorry hi mate you're right i'm available for bookings from september onwards see you in Leeds. Alan's been running those drive-thru gigs, which some comics have really enjoyed.

I can't think of anything worse. I'd much rather do 20 people in a garden than 200 people honking the horn every time they find something funny. It's just not for me. I'm glad I've done a couple of them though. I might never do another garden gig. Last night, I'll remember it. Yeah, yeah.

We did a gig. Are we allowed to talk about what we did or we're not i think we can now we did an underground indoor illegal gig so i ran an illegal gig we're not going to say where but we ran a very socially different distance possibly illegal gig yeah and it was fucking brilliant it's me dan justin morehouse healthy brown and danny mclaughlin i will never as long as i live i'll never forget that gig it was fucking brilliant it was me, Dan Justin Moore I was Alfie Brown and Danny McLachlan I will never as long as I live

forget that gig I will never forget that gig it was great as well the energy was amazing everyone who wants to be there was there and it was just and I'm kind

I'm kind of gutted that they're legal again now because I wanted to keep doing them like I booked the one we're doing Sunday that's indoors and I booked that in before're doing Sunday that's indoors and I booked that in before the government said

oh go ahead do indoor gigs again I thought that was an outdoor gig no oh I love it it's designed so that it looks like

it's outdoors right yeah okay great the inside of that building it looks like a street oh okay it's gorgeous it's a birdies

in Liverpool but we were going to do that anyway and I was like fuck it the government are onto it though aren't they because they've just Oh, okay. It's gorgeous. It's a birdies in Liverpool. But we were going to do that anyway. I was like, fuck it. The government are onto it though, aren't they? Because they've just hiked up the fine for running an illegal gig. I just won't pay. They're not going to put me in prison.

What are you in for? I don't give a fuck. Who did you kill? When nonces are getting suspended sentences, I feel pretty confident that running a legal gig is not going to land me in juvie you're doing 5-2-8 years

what for putting on comedy a fucking illegal poetry night I love that atmosphere and I love this is this is something

without wanting to sound too wanky this might the way we're heading now it might be on the road to mending. And, you know, people like Second Wave shut down. I'm not sure, I think it's going to be localised. I think the government are going to try

and keep everything open, apart from if your town goes to shit, which is what they've been doing. Next year, there might never be another garden gig or a driving gig. You might never, there might never be a need for an illegal gig i'm sort of glad that i've done one of each i feel like but that i mean it that i will

always remember that yeah it was speakeasy shit mental there's bars themed now on speakeasies which were the the illegal thing of their time we're not allowed to sell alcohol but we've got a little place that you you know you knock on whatever and it was weird enough that that illegal gig we it's funny to call it illegal constantly we didn't advertise it we did it by word of mouth we got 80 people in a room that holds 150 we distanced it properly we got a bill together that was just great and everyone smashed it like everyone smashed it watching alfie Brown that night was so fucking brilliant he was on absolute fire you walked on him

within 20 seconds of compared and people are dying laughing and clapping Danny opened murdered I did 5 of 10 in the middle

with Alfie it was so good it was dead dead good I'm just looking for I've got 3 gigs tomorrow at Hot Water 5 o'clock 7 o'clock half 9 you're back baby I've seen what looking for... I've got three gigs tomorrow at Hot Water. Five o'clock, seven o'clock, half nine.

You're back, baby. Oh. I've seen what they're doing. They've got a disinfectant gun spraying the whole venue. I'll show you the video in a minute when we take a break. I just... It's like a few weeks ago when we thought we were going back. My mental health was incredible for a week.

I was like, I'm going back to work. And then the day before, we got told to fuck off. They're not going to do that this time. And even if they do, I think a lot of comedy clubs are just going to go, we're just open and make, like, we can't fucking do that again. We've spent too much money. I think the localized thing is real. I think it really is.

And I don't know if I'm not criticizing it. I'm not saying it's a good thing. You can't shut down everywhere again. You can't shut down businesses with a blanket rule. God fucking Liverpool and Manchester, pull your socks up, everyone, because you are the mainstay of my circuit, and I...

Oh, no, holes in a local lockdown. All right. Good luck to them. Oh no. Norwich. Oh, what a shame. The infection rate's through the roof. Well, God bless. Let's just hope you do everything sensible to get back up.

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Don't forget to watch our very funny podcast videos on YouTube. You can subscribe at youtube.com forward slash have a word pod. I took Jade on a date last night. Absolute disaster from start to finish. I was like, oh, it it's gonna be nice romantic it was romantic for three and a half seconds so you know when you and laura go out yeah is there like one of you who has like consistent bad luck with food so i'm not gonna go on too long but this is where being fussy plays into my hands. Pisses Laura off. She has now vetoed Pizza Express forever.

She's like, I never want to go again. She has to give permission for Nando's like a finger in the bum. Like, hey, fuck it. Like, almost like most couples go, should we do anal? Well, maybe you can do anal this time. That's how she is about high street chicken.

She's like, all right, You can have a Nando's I'm like oh thanks babe So I'm fussy but because of that I play the most fucking pedestrian shots On the menu You're just happy to get A two Margarita and garlic dough balls

The guy was like you absolutely must try them We have them with truffles I'm like stick your truffles up your fucking arse and put the garlic butter on the dough balls because I'm a fucking normal person. Eight-year-old. So I do well because I play it safe. What do you get from McDonald's?

Oh, yeah, just like a chicken sandwich or sometimes a quarter pounder with cheese or sometimes the chicken selects. When you get a quarter pounder with cheese, do you get all the stuff on it or do you get a plane yeah let's get all the stuff on it not that bad anymore super fussy i was i'm i'm better than i was but if i get i know exactly what you mean if i order the wrong pizza when the margarita and then i see someone else's margarita and i've got like some fucking mess of like the diavola and it's way too greasy and spicy. I get so pissed off.

But usually I play it with a fucking straight back. I don't know how you fuck a pizza up. I just get all the meat that they sell and some jalapenos. Yeah. Yeah. Like put the sausage meat on, put the salami on, put the chorizo on, put the pepperoni on, put the spicy beef on, put the chicken on, put the ham on.

Jesus Christ. And then put some... How oily is your pizza? You know when you get a pizza and we take away, is there any cardboard underneath left, or is it just like a floppy fucking grease paper? It does get quite greasy, but that's the shit. See, that's how you're not fussy.

You're like, all the meat, I'm not bothered. I'm so fussy that they could get that wrong. I'd be like, it's too greasy, I don't like don't like that meat no go on how do you do with luck so i am not fussy and i'll try stuff a lot of the time like i'll always be able to find something i just want to eat once we're at the restaurants i just want to to fucking eat. Do you know what I mean? I will figure this out most of the time. It'll be alright. We're in a restaurant. There's

someone being paid to cook here. He's definitely doing a better job than I do where I eat. I eat my own cooking. And this guy is a professional so it's probably going to be Sam, isn't it? Have you ever gone this is shit

I vetoed it last night the second place we went to of three so there's a a burger joint can I do this

there's a burger joint in Liverpool and it's in Leeds and Manchester as well called Almost Famous you heard of it yes mate

it's going to be amazing oh it's fantastic it's one of those like messy burger places so the one I normally get from Almost Famous. You heard of it? Yes, mate. It's going to be amazing. Oh, it's fantastic. It's one of those like messy burger places. So the one I normally get from Almost Famous, it's two beef patties, cheese on both,

and it comes with shoestring onions, spicy sauce, frazzles, the crisp, bacon. Oh, for fuck's sake. It's incredible.

It's called Phoenix Burger. They put bacon-flavoured fucking frazzle. Oh, they're all bacon-flavoured. On the burger, not as a side. On the burger. When you say messy, do you mean what I'm thinking you mean? Where it's like, you know, people are trying to eat it as like a McDonald's advert, but you physically can't.

You've got to sort of cut into it. They provide you with a blue roll. I'm not even messing. but you physically can't. You've got to sort of cut into it. Yeah, they provide you with a blue roll. I'm not even messing. Like they put like a kitchen roll thing.

Right. Welcome to Almost Famous. Here you are, sir. Here's your hipster burger. There's a pack of space invaders. We'll just whack them in as well. And here's some Milky Bar buttons. We'll whack them in as well.

Here is a wet wipes, blue roll, and there's a bib. And there is a bucket for you to shit yourself into. Welcome to Almost Famous. Goodbye. Here is a wet wipes blue roll and there's a bib and there is a bucket for you to shit yourself into welcome to almost famous goodbye like what here is a trough you fucking pig it's phenomenal though

isn't it amazing it's a great like it's a really great place what I do right it's what I do because it comes with

two beef patties I slide one off and keep that as a side dish I can't have these myself! It's such a fat Boston burger! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no no it's a side no it's not it's just the beef it's cheesy beef no it's just cheesy beef with a few toppings couple of frazzles

milky bar buttons and bread do you know what I mean no Carl yeah it's hard to ease because you like what you were saying

it's hard to like get it all in so you slide one of them off it makes it easier to ease and then at the end you just you get your knife and fork out and you tuck into the side dish

when I finish my burger you know you ever finish your burger and just think god I'd love some you last week when we ordered from KFC you asked for two Zinger Towers

instead of the chips and the drink just get me two burgers you literally ordered two burgers with two lots of bread fucking fatty arbo my sister yesterday

was like is there a reason you think you've put on weight I was like I don't know okay well it's been difficult and it shut down've put on weight I was like I don't know okay It's been difficult and it shut down And in my head I was thinking

Probably stop getting two fucking Zingertower burgers You fat whopper I'm just going to slide that little bit of chicken out No that's for daddy later This burger that's for daddy now But daddy now is leaving a present A little surprise I think it's totally reasonable

For daddy future The burger's too big So why is it more fat for Daddy Now, but Daddy Now is leaving a present, a little surprise I think it's totally reasonable for Daddy Future. The burger's too big. So, why is it more fat to make it a side dish than just try and force to eat it? Why is it worse?

It isn't, Adam. It isn't. It isn't. You're right. It's making it more manageable. It isn't. It's fair enough. It just sounds wrong.

Almost Famous have some... They have a load of topped fries as well. So you can get all sorts of shit. So I was going to get the bacon bacon fries. That is bacon flavoured mayonnaise with loads of crispy bacon on top of it. Like bacon rain, they call it. Right?

Why are you looking at me like i just resent some of the wording what bacon rain some cunt some fat fucking fringe floppy fringe fucking hipster twat when what should we call this bacon tristan what should we call it bacon something? Oh, let me think. Let me just... Bacon rain. Fuck off. Bacon rain. You fucking dickhead. And we actually call this an oily river. It's just a fucking juice. Winning fries.

Why? It's half chips and half sweet potato chips mixed together. Winning fries. I don't mind that. That's not as bad. it's half chips and half sweet potato chips mixed together okay with fries I don't mind that that's not as bad so but they also do like salt and pepper

like you get salt and pepper chips from a chippy are you hungry what are we doing here I feel like we're about to do a just eat order we're definitely gonna do a just eat order

that is getting about three fucking seconds down I'm gonna slide some of that extra burger sorry go on so they normally do like salt and pepper chips as well so you get like salt and pepper seasoning with onions That is getting about three fucking seconds down, bro. I'm going to slide some of that extra burger. Sorry, go on. So they normally do like salt and pepper chips as well. So you've got like salt and pepper seasoning with onions and chilies and stuff, right?

With chip shop curry sauce. Pastry, pastry. Salt and pepper chicken come as come. Salt my dick, salt my dick. Tits past these chips. That should be a rule. You're never allowed to read halfway through this. You have to finish the whole thing.

So, and they also normally do some really good veggie options. And as you know, Jade tries her best to be a vegan and at least veggie. So she wants to get the mushroom and halloumi burger, which is what she normally gets from there. Okay. She went on the website. She checked the menu.

She was like, oh, it's a full menu. We got there. They went, oh, it's only a reduced menu. So every restaurant in Liverpool at the minute, and everywhere, because everywhere's doing reduced menus because of COVID, slash they can't be asked to do a full one. It's like it was 10 years ago.

You know where it's like, you walk in, and you're like, I'm vegan, and they're like, well, you're having that. There's one option. Two breads! All right, love, sit down. So they had like well you're having that there's one option two bread alright love sit down so

they had like a vegan patty available at almost famous but Jay was like I don't want that I wanted the mushroom and loamy thing

so I was like babe and we you had to book in advance obviously I was like babe she was getting like you know because she's

having a bad time she's getting a bit welled up she was like it's just really frustrating I was like I just grabbed her hand. I was like, we can go wherever you want to go. Good lad.

Find somewhere on your phone, somewhere else. We'll go wherever you want. I promise. I mean, I was on a date for like six months. We haven't gone out since. He's a new man. I was like, we can go wherever you want. And then there was a mirror in there,

you know, like a fun fair mirror where it makes you look weird? Oh, Jesus. And it was making me look dead ugly. So I went, hey, look how ugly I look in that mirror. And that made her laugh. And then that sort of reset her. Adam, this is wonderful. Boyfriend work.

And then, so she went, right, I found this place on Castle Street called Heritage. So we went to Heritage. And we sat down. And then they gave us the menu and Jay was like, oh, I'm going to get this and I'm going to get that. And then I made a leave.

It was the worst menu I've ever seen. I took a picture of it to read it out there. You've just come away from almost famous. Yeah, because all day, because I'm dieting again. Because as we said on the Patreon, I'm going to be filming a couple of TV things next week. And I want to be as slim as possible for them. You don't want COVID tits.

Right. So, but I was like, I'll have that on our date. I'm going to have a cheat day. And I'd been fucking dreaming about this almost famous Phoenix burger for a week. And then I had to be the good guy and say, no, we can leave. And then I'm looking at this menu. This fucking menu. Yeah, when you've left such a good place,

it's got to be good, though, isn't it? So, every time I do this, that's the end of a listen. This is a small plates restaurant. Bullshit, mate. Okay? What's a small plates? Hamhock croquette with heritage brown sauce.

Home-baked bread, caramelised onion, pale ale butter. Hummus, warm chickpeas, toasted seeds, tahini and pomegranate. That just felt like words all jumbled up. Some of these are, I swear to God, they've invented words. Bocca Ronas, which is just pickled anchovies. Pickled fish. Padron peppers, sea salt and sumac. Do you know what sumac is?

S-U-M-A-C? No? Copper, pickles, vegetable salsa and bread, ox cheek ragout, macaroni and parmesan. Can we just say, don't ever be in the cheek of an animal, okay? You can have the tit, you can have the fucking bum cheek

because there's a bit of meat on that. We don't need the cheek. That's going too far. You don't have chicken dicks. You can have the fucking bum cheek because there's a bit of meat on that we don't need the cheek that's going too far you don't have chicken dicks you can't have ox's cheek either local green beans and kale why does it matter where the beans are from fucking racist local green beans and kale tomato sauce roasted peppers and caramelized garlic crispy cauliflower with satay sauce falafafel, chopped salad, tahini, and zug, rare roast beef with straw fries and a fried egg. I don't think that menu is written for it to be read out in a Scouse accent. Aubergine, Indian spiced beans and peas with roasted coconut on rater. Cheese. Please ask for today's selection.

The one thing that was just, you've got cheese, but hang on, hang on. I can't even list what's different about the cheese. Local tomato, salad ricotta, broad beans and pea shoot salad, whole Cornish sardines with garlic butter, and crispy coley fillet, parsnip puree, and crispy capers and lemon. So I was looking at that menu, trying to do like a...

Two of each. Let's just smile at this, because... And Jade was dead happy. Oh, I did. No, she looked up, and she's seeing me face. Oh, right.

And she's seeing through the facade. Is it facade? Facade. Facade. Facade that I was portraying with me face she was like you hate it all don't yeah and i was like look holly and i'll i'll get a few things and i'll try it and she was like no i don't want to do that and i was like no well she was like no i don't want to see you now because then she decided that it wasn't fair for me to suffer

when i'd made a leave almost famous good work work. Nice. And then we went to a, it's quite a bit of a happy ending. We went to Neighborhood. Have you been to Neighborhood? Only for drinks. So Neighborhood is like a, Three restaurants and you got sat. Yeah.

Fucking good luck that, isn't it really? Well, we booked that Heritage one in advance and then we went into Neighborhood because I was like, I'm sure me mates

used to work here. Nick, we worked, my very first bar job was in an italian bar called zelligs of little italy carl worked there as well and our bar manager nick uh as far as we're aware was working at neighborhood so we walked in he was just there oh love it when that happens and he's like we'll sit you down now neighborhood is sort of known as like a scouse princess bar isn't it it's where all like girls will be like on Friday, me and all the girls are going to Neighbourhood and they'll have like maybe a few small plates and then it's Prosecco o'clock

sort of thing. But it also does really nice food. So we went in talking to Nick. We got a few starters. She hated them as well. We got a main. She hated that as well, but then she didn't mind the dessert. But we sat there for the whole time, and then we made Nick come over at the end,

and he was just talking to us. We were just reminiscing about Zelligs and how big a dickheads we were at the age of 18. And Nick seems like 20 years older than us, but he's only three years older. He's 31. And then right at the end, he was like, I went, get the bill.

And he was like, oh, no, no, no, it's all on me. And he gave us the whole thing. He was like, oh, for old times he was like oh no no that's all on me and he gave us the whole thing he's like oh for old time's sake and i just want to say jade is so fussy and she didn't like she she ordered something she's never had before she ordered mushroom gnocchi like the pasta thing she's like it's a bit vinegary for me it's not my sort of thing i loved everything i had and the service in there I still left a big tip for the bartenders because they were dead silent, kept coming over to us, giving us things to try

and making sure we were having a good time. And I just want to say, I had a bit of a preconception about Neighbourhood because I'd never been in before. And because I knew it was like, we're going to Neighbourhood on Friday for Prosecco O'Clock with the girls. I'd probably never gone in because of that.

I can't recommend it enough. The food was lovely. As long as you know what you're having and you're not like Jade, who's like, I'll just try something because it's got mushrooms in. That is, he genuinely put it on his, you didn't pay. He just boxed it off, yeah. Fuck me. What a good egg.

Yeah. And do you know what Jade was made up with? A lot of the time, I've told him about this when and you've suffered at the hands of it as well especially like in edinburgh you know when i bump into like an old mate or a fan or another comic in edinburgh and you've got your mate with you know your missus it's like your mate or your missus isn't there they just look at you and talk to you like jade was like do you know what i really liked about that? It was like he was paying more attention to me than you. Like, he was just a dead, like, I love Nick.

Just a sound guy. Oh, yeah. And I can't recommend it highly enough. I would be saying this even if he hadn't sorted this out, but he did as well. Laura will be listening to this, thinking of all the times that she's had to be, like, my fucking carer.

Who's taking out, on a Wednesday, we take Daniel out for food. I like food. Come on, Daniel, where do you like going? Three different places. If they are not open, I do not want to go anywhere.

No, he doesn't. He's like that. Are you finished? Like, it really gets like that. We got to Dodo on Wednesday and I read the menu. I just get that hipster vibe of you like, are you going to fuck up

pizza? Because there's some trendy pizza places. What's that place in Liverpool, not far from hot water? Crust. Crust. And they do the slice. They do the big slice. Is that, they do it? No, that's American pizza slice. That's American pizza slice. American pizza slice. Just, I want to say this on record before I know what your opinion

on it is other than john's on bleaker in new york which is the best pizza i've ever had i think american pizza slice is the best pizza i've ever had anywhere in the world it's tremendous and i also because at the start of louis where louis ck went in the pizza place before he goes down to the comedy cellar and he eats a slice all of a sudden eating a slice has got new meaning to me i particularly like it when i was in new zealand to do the comedy festival on the other side of auckland found one of these places and i'm the kind of bellend who gets addicted i was there every fucking day to the point where they're like all right mate here again like he worked at a pizza place where you could tell he was like

to kill you this shit pal size of a fucking fucking laptop. I used a lot of American pizza slice in December. You know when I'm doing those marathon runs at hot water? You're just like, oh, I'm going to get a slice, man. Because you just get hungry throughout the day. I might get one tomorrow. Comedy club wise, I think that would be an amazing option

for a comedy club. You've got your comedy club and then you have one of those part open kitchens have a big double pizza oven and get them in the big they make them in trays don't they they can make pizzas in like rectangle trays for efficiency and just have it and be like it's three quid a big slice yeah just i think it'd work really well it's already cooked half cooked cooked. It's not crunchy. You can eat it. They just put it in for another minute to warm it up.

I think it'd work great. I'm really hungry. You know now when I'm in this conversation. Yeah, I love it. This is making me want to... Neighborhood Liverpool. He hasn't asked me to do this at all. And he didn't sort me out.

He sorted me out because we're old mates and I haven't seen him for about five years properly. I've bumped into him every now and then. But I had a proper catch up with him yesterday. He hasn't asked me out. He sorted me out because we're old mates, and I haven't seen him for about five years properly. I've bumped into him every now and then. But I had a proper catch up with him yesterday. He hasn't asked me to do this, but if you're looking for somewhere to go to eat, I had the popcorn prawns as a starter. I had a little bit of halloumi because Jay got it as well.

And then I got the southern fried chicken dinner. It was done like Texan, what I imagine Texan style to be, with a biscuit and with, I think it was called like Texan what I imagine Texan style to be with a biscuit and with I think it was called spicy sausage gravy and southern fried chicken and fries it was fucking gorgeous and then Jade really enjoyed the dessert which was

she got caramel banana cake it's just really good isn't it and if you're looking for somewhere to go to eat at the minute I'd definitely check it out I need to arrange a date night and I think I might I might literally act on this I need to arrange two things a date night with laura and really take her out and that will justify me organizing a piss up with you guys

because i want to get on the beers please i'm ready now we're having a beer tomorrow oh where hot water when you come over oh god come and hang out oh god do a set no oh god is our guest on yeah oh god oh jesus i so our guest today which we can say because he's definitely coming and there's been no tech issues um is the brilliant star of netflix he's got two Netflix specials. He's had a HBO special. He's on loads of British TV as well. His career, our guest today, if I could pick another comics career path, it would be his.

He's a stand-up comedian. He's done a couple of little bits of other things, but he's never got into it to host a fucking game show or to be in fucking Hollyoaks or any of that fucking shit. He wanted to be a stand-up comedian, and he's never got into it to host a fucking game show or to be in fucking holly oaks or any of that fucking shit he wanted to be a stand-up comedian and he's done it he's toured since he was very very young and then netflix gave him two specials they both did unbelievably well then he got offered to be the first ever scottish person to get a hbo special and he took it it's daniel sloss i think he's fucking brilliant. I was mates with Sloss before

I'd seen him live. Because of the Edinburgh Festival I'd hung out with him. I'd been to his house and had a few drinks because a lot of my mates are his mates. Happens though, doesn't it? It's almost like you get the nod because you're someone else's mate. You're like, oh he must be alright

because he's mates with so and so. I'd seen'd seen clips of him i'd seen like his melbourne comedy festival garlic he won't mind me saying this and i thought oh he's good he's a good comic yeah decent i went and seen his show in edinburgh uh and i think he's as good as anything we've got in the uk fucking amazing he was it was a flawless hour of stand-up. When he started out, he was very early getting the buzz. Good-looking, young Scottish guy. And I was like, here we go. I've seen these guys before.

They'll be gone. They'll be doing fucking Saturday morning television or some shit like that. And he has proved me very wrong. I think I knew I was wrong about that like the second time I saw him, about a year later. And I'm like, oh no, holy shit,

he's a much better... In stand-up, you watch sometimes people get on stage at a gig where you're like, this isn't a particularly easy gig or a great gig. It's not hot water on a Saturday. I think it was a Manfred's gig in Lancashire. Like one of those pop-up gigs. They were fine.

And Sloss was probably 20 years younger than the average age of the room and he was so much the best act on that night i was like this is you're just watching something good this is like a premier a champions league footballer just having a run out with the fucking under 20s I think he's done nine Edinburgh shows that's nine hours of stand up and he's only a year or two

older than me he's like 29 do you think at nine Edinburgh shows if you just slipped in 10 minutes from like 8 shows ago anyone would

fucking notice I don't think they would but I also don't think he'd ever do that because he's a he's a quality he's a fucking grafter I am looking forward to having him on should we have a little interval get him in and then get him on absolutely let's go and get some dinner and then we'll be back with daniel sloss

you can enjoy a word from either a sponsor maybe we're going to tell you about the merch but what it's going to do it's going to zoom in a bit it's going to zoom out you're going to see an advert we recorded two weeks ago and then it's going to zoom in and out again and daniel slott will be sat on our couch jesus it's amazing isn't it like the future now then lids i want to tell you about trans alloy wheels limited alloy wheel refurbishments car body work and customization services in leeds and throughout west yorkshire basically these guys can sort your wheels out and if you listen to this thinking, I'm not like a boy racer. I'm not that bothered about my car. Mate, I drive a Volvo. And after the fucking Rona, I'm going to these guys at Trans Ilo Wheels Limited when I'm gigging in Yorkshire. And I'm

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I don't know about you, but I'm feeling triggered. It must be Have A Word with Adam and Dave. Let's go. We're back. Don't you dare touch my buttons like that. I felt that was like invasive.

Yeah. Do what you want. Welcome back. We have got Scotland's own. A comedian you may recognise him from. Thanks for coming in. It was very local BBC radio, that. Well, this is like a level below that, isn't it?

No, no, no. Having done all of the BBC radios, I can tell you this is a step above 95% of them. Oh, fucking awesome. Do you know, it was actually two years ago yesterday, you know when I won that award, the Dave's Best Joke on the Fringe thing, right? They put you in a box. in bbc radio scotland right there's a room about the size

of that coffee table right and it's just a little machine with headphones and they put me in there at seven o'clock in the morning i'm like right so uh you're gonna speak to every radio station from the bbc in the uk and i was like what? So then it'll just start playing Mr. Brightside or something. And then it'll go, right, that was The Killers with Mr. Brightside. We're back here on Radio Sheffield. My name's blah, blah, blah. And we've got Adam Rowe. Adam, can you tell us what's this joke you've won an award with, mate?

And you tell the joke. Then they don't laugh. And then they go, right, cool. So thanks, Adam. And then there's about a five second gap and then it goes and now we're on Radio Nottingham

it's me Toby and that was the killers Mr Brightside you have to do that same joke to every different radio station they've all got the exact same

fucking banter oh it's so shit and by the end of all of it you just want to go won't you cunts just pick one of the national BBC radios just do one interview and then send someone twounts just pick one of the national BBC radios? Just do one interview and then send some out.

Two, one, just pick one. Hello, this is the BBC from where you fucking live. With place names you recognise. Here's the weather from Shitville. It's the bane of my fucking existence. Finally, I'm now at a stage in my career where I've told my agent, I'm like, no local BBC anywhere. Don't care what local BBC is, unless it's Radio 5 or 1, I'm like, no local BBC anywhere, no local don't care what local BBC is

unless it's Radio 5 or 1, I'm not fucking Big dog I'm not doing any, oh no because it is it's no fucking viewership, the early years of your career where you've got to go and fucking BBC Radio Leicester and talk to 45 minutes to some

cunt who googled your name 6 minutes ago, right right remember stuff from seven years ago in your fucking career and he sits there and then you go to the gig the next day and you're like

how many people listened to me on the radio yesterday and they go oh none of us and you go oh that's right I pay my publicist

for nothing no because it's ten past three and they're at home washing the fucking dog will you come and do this interview no

because you're not going to buy a ticket and also I don't want cunts who listen to BBC Swindon dog, will you come and do this interview? No, because you're not going to buy a ticket. And also, I don't want cunts who listen to Be Beaseless Swindon in my fucking audience. This is not my target fucking death. Why do I want to listen?

Why would I want to perform live stand-up comedy to any fucking cunt that chooses to listen to radio in the house during the day? Radioios for a car fucking home that is it if you listen to radio outside that hours you're a fucking loser and i don't want you in my audience that's why i'm glad to be on this is publicist gonna ring him tonight like i've got your an interview at two o'clock in the morning apparently you're okay with that

you know you could end these forever by just doing exactly what you did on there i'm really hoping that clip goes viral just so like you guys clip that down that goes out next to my agents like can you do watch the clip and then just do literally at it every bbc fucking a to z shit down after that it's just that there's you get you've got like three or four types of uh radio interviews that are employed by bbc you've got a old man who nobody has the balls to fire like he's just been there for 70 years for ages and they're just like he's gonna die next year so this if we fired him now it'd kill all of his opinions are wrong. He's touched a few women, but they was never charges. Then you've got, then you've got incredibly sexist man

who thinks he's the funniest man in the world and his long suffering ghost. So Jim actually thinks he's a little bit of a comedian. Well, that's the thing. I was in a taxi. You're like, oh, get me off the fucking air. Resents you for being the comedian oh comedian is it i used to make my friends laugh a lot back in the fucking day

before my wife left me with all my joy oh man is there any interview you like is there any like what yeah i mean this sort of shit stuff when it's agile conversation because what happens and this happens a fucking lot is it and i get so annoyed in those studio things when it's actual conversation because what happens and this happens a fucking lot and I get so annoyed in those studio things where it's just you sat down in one room just going through

the same questions over and over and over again and it's got to the point where I get bored and I just start saying things that I know shouldn't make it to air

but they don't have the balls to cut it off Jared Christmas is one of my favourite great comic did one of my favourite favourite everything I've ever seen on the radio and I hope he still does it it's my first time doing radio one right when i was like

18 19 it was i was doing like literally a two minute interview during the french right and i thought it was the biggest thing in the world i thought it was my big break jared christmas is there and he's been in the business so he knows it's fuck all that doesn't matter and he goes i'm i'm gonna say cunt on the radio and i was like jared please don't say cunt on the radio this is like my first ever big radio please don't say cunt on the radio i've got my grants listening to this because i'm about to be on the radio can you not say cunt on the radio he's like i'm gonna say cunt on the radio i'm gonna i'm gonna say cunt on the radio seven times and i was like jared please don't say cunt on the radio please do

right because he's kiwi so could they go, they interview me. Were you on together? Yes, I was, yeah, alright, okay. So me, him sat beside each other,

and they go, and I'm so nervous, because he's going to say cunt on the radio, and I'm not going to be on the radio. So they give them out to me, I fly through whatever I'm about to say, and they go, Jared,

how are you enjoying the festival? Because he's Kiwi, he's like, I can't believe we're only two weeks in, I can't believe how amazing the audience have been, I can't believe how well it's been selling, I can't believe how tired i swear can't can't can't can't can't can't and i'm fucking dying there laughing just watching him get away with this oh hi well that's what they talk about in the american podcast on the the the futility and the absolute nightmare that is

the local tv stations the breakfast shows that the comedy clubs put you on oh my god and there was a guy that shut one down forever sam yeah when did you think you were funny i think when my uncle was touching me have you seen that video absolutely he gets asked something like uh oh what what do you get get being funny in your family and he's like yeah well me uncle fucked me and like he was really funny so I thought it was like a Spiderman situation

and then it's just her just going and then next we got Steve with the weather and good morning Hartford don't have comedians anymore but again they don't buy tickets why are they on there

well so much of what you actually i mean this is good this is the only real type of fucking interview where it's going into people that would go i'm actually gonna buy tickets to the show you suddenly realize everything that you write for the fucking card and every interview you do most i it's just it's not for it's not for the audience it's for everyone else in your industry that's yeah right so that's exactly what i've never heard it put so succinctly. It's for everyone in the industry. This is where I am within the industry.

Literally nobody outside of this gives a wet hot shit. Yeah. None of my audience have ever given a fucking shit about any interview I've done in The Guardian, in The Telegraph, any review I've ever got. I guarantee no audience member has ever given a fucking shit. I've never liked Daniel Suss, but I read something really witty in The Guardian, and I've ever got I guarantee no audience member has ever given a fucking shit I've never liked Daniel Stoss but I read something

really witty in the Guardian and I've been a big fan ever since and ever since then I don't mind the fact that he says can't all the fucking do

where do you think can I ask you a question where do you think your audience comes from because you've built it mainly from live which like

to a lot of people seems like the long route done it all right but you've done it quite fucking quickly yeah well i mean because that's yeah i know you've had a lot of tv and very recently if like the two specials on netflix and hbo but like it's not like you were putting hours and hours of stuff on social media because you popped and were torn before that was even a fucking thing anyway yeah i mean I mean, I've had a fair few good breaks in my career

and then also just took advantage of them and actually, you know, nailed them. Worked. Smashed it. Yeah, like, look, it would be a wonderful world

if all of comedy was a meritocracy and I think sometimes it is, but there's a lot of times we know comedians who are funnier than us who just will not ever be. Who?

Who? Come on. Martin Nelson. Martin Nelson's always my go-to. Okay, well, name another one. Yeah, fuck him. Yeah, no, I know. I also agree with that.

I also firmly agree with that. But also working enough when you get the next opportunity, because to be like, all right, you've got an opportunity to smash this. Right, I'll do my best six minutes. And then they're like,

great, do you want to do it again in two months without having more stuff are you you keep hitting it and keep working yeah well i mean my thing was always the it's the standard it's the george carlin rules that became the louis ck rules that became the bill burr rules which is you write a new hour every year and that's the rule you take off a layer yourself you reveal it to the audience and then you'd been it and then and that's it and it's just turnover of material it's the only like and it's a good way of keeping an audience because if you do a new hour every year they go fuck i want to see what he thinks of this year or what's his opinion on this and so on so and you build a relationship with your

audiences because i don't think like anything overnight success hasn't really existed in the uk since like fucking, well, I mean, Kevin Bridges on McIntyre's Roadshow was the last thing I remember. Yeah, he popped, didn't he? Yeah, there was a few on McIntyre's Roadshow. Milliken, Manford, Bishop, Bridges.

It was the class of the first season that went. 2008, 2006, around there. Yeah, Kevin Bridges was doing, I think he was doing like a 50 seater In a The fringe And that sold out With it Like after McIntyre's Roadshow Had gone

It sold out in like 30 fucking minutes And then he added in Like three Pleasance Graham ones And like all the In fucking June as well Aye Yeah I've sold out

My Edinburgh run When did you sell it out Four months before Edinburgh Do you think maybe We should have got A bigger fucking venue Any chance Second week of August I'm like hey Saturday's Looking good There's 12 Three fours as well months before Edinburgh do you think maybe we should have got a bigger fucking venue any chance second week of August

I'm like hey Saturday's looking good there's 12 three fours as well so there's going to be energy I've still got flyers booked they're actually

flying for next year it's really well organised oh yeah it's it's amazing to see those guys who haven't haven't earned it, haven't earned their spurs, and they get the opportunities.

Because you were talking about a meritocracy. There's a lot of Theo Walcocks. But you can go so far. You get that thing first, and then they go away, and you're the exact opposite of that. But you can go so far. You will get found out. You can get given opportunities that you aren't deserving of,

and you can fucking ride that fluky wave for a bit but if you haven't turned up like you've done what nine hours yeah yeah 10 hours yeah oh sorry 10 sorry i'm so sorry i didn't want to make you look like a lazy bastard by saying and and the fact it was in double digits made me look that way but i mean if you haven't done the fucking work those opportunities eventually you're going to be in a big and a big stage looking like a bellend i and it's yeah i mean you do see it happen a lot which is you know comedians go on and they do the their best 10 material that they've got on whatever tv spot it is and then they do their second best five minutes

after that and then they're like can you do another 10 and they're like nope yeah because they're from the circuit see i started out 20 18 years ago you guys started out when the circuit mentality had changed and there was still some dinosaurs going but i wrote a good set in 1994 it's paid off half my house why would i change it like you guys are like yeah of course you course you'd write new stuff, why wouldn't you? But I've got, like, and that's what I've done and tried to do,

but I've still got mates who started when I started, who sort of, like, their coding was the old school way of, like, it's a good 25. Why would I drop it? It's not even for the audience.

Like, to me, though, it's for me. I get fucking bored of saying the same shit after six months like the last six months is not like that i did i yeah i mean i did i absolutely get where you're coming from i did the same show fucking 300 times and it fucking drives you insane yeah it's you getting bored imagine still doing that in seven years time and And we've just had the Olympics in London. That's our go-to rhythm.

There's been another Olympics and a cancelled Olympics since then. And I know exactly who you're talking about. I think we've done very well not to name them. The second you said it, I'm like, oh! This is our new favourite bit of sport. Waiting, because gigs are starting up again. Waiting to see the comics be like, tell you what, the coronavirus, the pandemic, absolutely brutal.

I mean, it would have cancelled the Olympics in London. I'll tell you what, you look back now, because of the coronavirus and the pandemic and COVID-19, and think, Brexit, really? Brexit doesn't look any, you know, like, as important. Anyway, here's my Brexit bit. We've decided we're going to be back at the gigs going, cut!

For any of that shithousery. We're going to take, see that megaphone up there? Take that to gigs with us. Every time someone tries to crowbar in an old bit. Just wedge it in via crowbar. We're going to do an old bit, be honest about it and just go, written on you guys, so Brexit's still funny here's a joke I wrote

that was relevant in 2020 and it's not yet and I haven't written any new material since then because I've been sad so just go

still that stuff I've not updated the new shit yet mate I worked I worked recently with a com bird who went literally just

you know when you see someone talking and he went so what, you know, when you see someone talking and anyway, so what do you think of the coronavirus? They were like, yeah, not good. You're like,

no shit. And because, because it wasn't a funny question, apart from if you're a comic, I'm the only bell and laughing, which makes everyone go, why is he laughing? You're like,

cause it's the worst question. Have you, what's your shutdown creativity? Like, have you just locked it down turned your head off or creativity why absolutely turned off uh i took it as like i finished my tour last year in december it's been like an 18 month tour properly around the world so i was just i was knackered sad and fucking exhausted right uh and i was like i can't wait for some fucking time off next year i was gonna have booked time off between june oh no it's may june july right i was gonna that would have been this year yeah yeah plan was go to america do new york build up a show there go to australia work up there come back three months off go into the fringe, bish bash bosh

that, and then it's the international dream there for every comedian, like yeah I'll just go over these amazing places and do comedy in amazing places then come home and do it at the fringe I'm conscious now right, that like quite a lot of comics listen to this podcast or watch it, and the amount of comics

who are going to listen to you describe what would be an absolute dream year to them as bish bash bosh in new york and stroll over to australia fuck around there three months having a wank then might just turn up and do a 400 season in edinburgh every day you know and then then i might go on tour and can i just say i couldn't have done it without bbc swindon the years of support that they gave let's hand over to carol but you didn't get to do any of it and you've done driving gigs in falkirk yeah yeah no because i was it turns out i'm i'm real shit at time off it was really i thought i was good at it because what i'm really good at doing is getting incredibly stoned and lying down on a beanbag in front of a computer

or an Xbox and just playing games through it. And I'm like, oh, this is relaxing. But the entire time my brain's going, you're not doing anything. And that is so against the fucking grain. And there was about two months where I just, high anxiety, didn't know why I felt fucking useless.

So my girlfriend's been working from home and she's been the breadwinner and fucking the deep root of toxic masculinity in me could not handle that for the longest time just because even though you know it's relationships with you fucking together and and and you know i've always been like i know i don't mind you know i'm against those traditional fucking roles yeah as long as i'm earning more like yes and i thought i was like me i'm progressive and all it took was a month and a half of smoking weed just being like god you're fucking pointless look at her through there doing everything that needs to keep this together while you sit on a couch just doing fucking nothing so is this is this what is this where twitch started for everyone like i'm on a beanbag. To stop the inner monologue.

Can I just double check? Are we getting enough of his? We are now, yeah, yeah. Sorry, sorry. He's a very theatrical. I've never seen a sitter that's got more bookies. That's Mattel, you're telling me. I was just thinking maybe we should move the table a bit closer. Is that something we should do or not?

I can just, I can just. The mic can break closer. I can just be, I can just be more just be I can just be more professional I can just It's well within my possibility You look like a man Who's just driven down From Scotland

And then has had to Sit down again You're like Oh god I love Do you want jogging Anyone Did you start a twitch

Have you got a twitch I can't I don't have I have the worst Internet connection In the entire Of the UK Oh no no no No I do What I have the worst Internet connection in the entire of the UK. No, no, no, no, no, no, I do.

What? I have the worst internet connection in the whole of the UK. My download speed is two megabits and my upload is 0.1. What? Yeah. And it's been the ultimate feeling of capitalism. And it's just my street. It's just my one street in Edinburgh.

It's just outside the fucking fiber optic cables, whatever it is. It's been the ultimate failing of capitalism. I've approached Virgin Media and I've went, I will give you this amount of money to dig up the road outside of my house and put the internet into it and then everyone

on the street will pay for the internet and you'll have all this money and all these and they were like, Champion Slush, you did it. And they were like champion slush you did it aye and they were like no and I'm like what do you

what do you mean no because Edinburgh's pretty that's why my dad can't get third immediately you know no VT no internet company

in the UK will deliver to this you're like a sky no oh yeah no no sky internet but just the cabling

of where I am is the maximum speed you can get is 5 meg sky internet is still through the phone line though, isn't it? Yeah. Is it? Yeah.

It's actually the sky. No, no, no. But I can see why you think it was. I get why. I love it. I was like, yeah, but it's, it's fucking annoying, isn't it? We, that's like time travel via broadband speed, isn't it? It's, it's, there's, it's one of the most frustrating things in the world.

Do you want to download a film? Yeah. For tomorrow. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, we do. We have to download on Sky. If we want to download a movie to watch,

we have to download it in standard definition because if we want to watch an 80 movie, we have to download it today for tomorrow. It's just the worst. Well, it's not the worst. I mean, I've got a nice house and a garden, but it just doesn't suit the internet connection. Yeah.

Are you still in the same house that I've been to? Have you moved on? No, no. Things have gone well since then. That was still a nice house, though. Thank you. That was a nice house already. No, it was a nice house for a...

It was a nice house in the sense that I was a... I was a fucking mid-twenties moron. It was just a party house. That's all it was. Yeah. It was a place where I invited all of my friends around and we drank and did drugs. And now I'm slightly, I mean, they're slightly more of an adult

or I'm just putting on the clothes that adults wear doing the voice in the hopes that one day I trick myself into. And Kai doesn't live with you anymore as well. Oh God, I hope not. If he has, I've lost him. No, we decided like like He literally got married Like he got married on September the 10th

My birthday is on September the 11th And then September the 14th We went on an 18 month tour So his wife was like He's mine And I was like You are very much mistaken And let me just tell you

All the ways in which that is not the case For those who don't know what we're talking about the the jordy legend yes jordy any yeah but he's not a legend no he's not he's not proper jordy though he saved a child's life they punched a kid with cancer back to life you remember that yeah oh right yeah i i honestly thought i'd missed a story and I was like wow I didn't know you could do that with cancer

there's a kid down a well and Kai yeah fucking take the tumour and just fucking whack him really hard

right I just fucking popped everywhere I just fucking twatted cancer that's blithe that's medicine in blithe for you

yeah that's that's what the Geordie version of fighting cancer is It's just going round And knocking out anyone with cancer Why didn't you fight At that event The boxing night that we're talking about

Our listeners, we've spoken about it before I was in New York I was away I was on tour I absolutely would have Would you have fought Kai or would you have? No. No.

Kai punches cancer. I've seen Kai in, I would never, anyone that fights Kai is an idiot. I have toured, I've been friends with Kai for close to 10 years now. I've seen him in multiple fights. I've never seen him come close to fucking losing. He's one of the most terrifying humans. I would never under any circumstance fight him proper smiling assassin as well like the nicest happiest guy in the world but that's that's why i'd always describe kai kai's like a scummy batman

right he's never knocked out anyone who didn't deserve to be knocked out but he does nominate himself to be the one to knock these cunts out it's a very like it's judge judy but judge dread he's just like you're a cunt you need to know you're a cunt i'll teach i'll teach you i'll be the police aren't going to do it because what you've done is not a crime but to me it is there was one time we were doing a leicester my time to fucking drive on tour so start to the traffic lights he's there and the light turns fucking amber and i didn't move off the millisecond that the car the light turned amber so the guy behind me honks his fucking yeah you know it's like so i'm just fucking i rolled down the window there's your dinner there's one for your wife enjoy the rest like just not thinking any about it and i'm

still talking to kai i look at the wind view mirror and the guy is getting out of his car and this to me a man who's never in a fight is a nightmare I'm about to suffer the consequences

of my own actions I'm not safe inside of a vehicle I thought I was I turn around to Kai to tell him what's about to happen and the door is open

and his watch is just fucking spinning in the air like in the Kai takes his watch off before a fight because he's broken so many watches

punching people. I didn't want to lose another Casio. £14.12 every time. Fucking, what will I have for a swimming bath?

It vibrates when I've only got two minutes left of me set. What time did you knock him out? At 13.37? Exactly.

So, like, literally, we're just in the fucking car. The guy gets out of his car. Kai gets out and just goes, get back in your car before I fucking steal it. I watched. I watched for five seconds this man just outside his car just look at Kai, reassess the situation, just get back in his car and sit back up

and I don't know what he said to his wife but it was something just him just being like you're not going to do anything Roger shut up Maureen also if you're thinking god this guy must be massive he's fucking not he looks like an otter with a heroin problem

but he's one of them you know when you watch the UFC and they're a bit bandy like you don't look like oh no you're good fucking spinning kicks and everything

he was just because he was because he grew up in Blythe he's just had the shit kick because he grew up in Blythe

with like coke lens glasses ginger hair and shite teeth he's had the shit kicked out of him in his entire life so he's not scared of it

and it's kind of like a superpower in itself because I'm terrified of having the shit kicked out of me whereas he knows what it's like and he knows he can survive it he's not scared of it and it's kind of like a superpower in itself because I'm terrified of having this shit kicked out of me whereas he knows what it's like and he knows he can survive it

he's good at it the first time I ever saw him in a gig I was comparing Beat the Frog and he'd been watching too much black American comedy and he was from

Blythe and looked like a otter who'd had heroin and he walked up and he did a bit of material that is one of my all-time

favorite failed bits of stand-up material that beat the frog that i loved didn't really work but he was talking about he was like you know it's such a weird visual with kai who's so white and doing the the the rhythm and the almost the the the timing of black american comedy with his accent he's like i'm so good at eating pussy me. I'm fucking amazing at eating pussy. And the crowd are like, what? And then he went, I'm like fucking the goat at eating pussy. I'm like the Tiger Woods of eating pussy.

Right. And I was howling at the side and they weren't really laughing. And he did okay. I think he got gonged off, but he held all right. I saw him quickly come back and work it out. and they weren't really laughing. And he did okay. I think he got gonged off, but he held all right. He just, I saw him quickly come back and work it out. But for the whole night, I went back on

and just kept referencing random golfers and went, that's interesting. I am the Miguel Anguel Jimenez of eating pussy. So that's interesting. I am the Sergio Garcia

of fisting. Absolutely. I'm the Fulgen Tegel of fisting. I absolutely don't. I'm the fucking Tiger Woods of eating pussy. I bet you are. I bet you are. There's no one in the country who is less likely to get away with that routine. I know.

I'm pretty sure Tiger Woods is the Tiger Woods of eating pussy. Like a man who just ate all of the pussy all of the time. Yeah, say what you want sure Tiger Woods is the Tiger Woods of eating pussy like a man who just ate all of the pussy all of the time yeah say what you want about Tiger Woods he can do both

he can golf who who would you have fought em oh fucking Jack Carroll I'd want water in my mouth

Oh you can't do jokes about disabled kids When I've got water in my mouth I've told Jack how I like myself as well And I'll call him out in camera Jack if you want to fucking go Oh god Don't get that on BBCbc radio swindon for those that don't know jack is a very funny comedian very funny comedian with cerebral palsy

regularly comes up to uh watch the ufc with uh me and other yeah wasn't there a famous sorry i've interrupted you but there wasn't a big night that everyone... You went up, didn't you? There was a few, yeah. No, it was Jordan and the Fringe, so there was... The two that I remember at yours... Conor McGregor Diaz. McGregor Diaz. And McGregor...

Mayweather. Mayweather, which you came up for, didn't you? And Ian Stirling thought he was going to lose a lot of money. He bet heavily on Mayweather because he was like, it's obviously going to be him. So I'll just bet like thousands and I'll just get the extra like, I think it was like one to seven or something.

So he's like, I'll put seven grand on and I'll just win a grand. And then the first three rounds, McGregor landed a few punches and he's like, what the fuck is seven grand on this? Yeah, that's not good odds, is it?

No. They were an amazing night to them though. Oh, they were fucking brilliant back when Conor McGregor was still a hero. Do you not like him anymore? There's too many... Too many things happened. Aye, there's too many things that have shown me his...

What? It's just, I'm agreeing massively. Oh. Oh, yeah. There's just... Look, he was the greatest fighter of all time when I got to fucking meet... I set up the McGregor-Mayweather fight.

So, I'm obviously and I can prove that by the way. Tell us about that then. So Conor McGregor fighting Floyd Mayweather, right? The first time, there's an interview with Floyd Mayweather when he was asked when he became aware and when he wanted to fight Conor McGregor. And he

says, without a doubt, it was when Conor McGregor called him out on Conan. Conor went on Conan just I could beat up anyone could beat up Floyd Mayweather Floyd Mayweather heard that went money fight

we're doing it that was the day that was decided that day he was on Conan was because of me was because when I did my first Conan spot

like 8 years ago the booker of the show a guy called J.P. Buck he's a good friend we've been friends ever since when Conor McGregor started as a big UFC fan I was like you've got to watch this guy he's the funniest he of the show, a guy called J.P. Buck, he's a good friend, we've been friends ever since. When Conor McGregor started as a big UFC fan,

I was like, you've got to watch this guy. He's the funniest, he's the best, he just kicks the shit out of cunts, left, right and centre. He predicts it, I love him. And so me and J.P. would watch all the fucking fights together, all the interviews together, whenever I was over there we'd watch them. And then one day he's like, oh, Conor wants to, this was before the

Aldo fight got cancelled and it was going to the Mendes fight. Just before that. Good knowledge. Yeah, yeah. Aldo just cancelled and Conor was meant to be going on Conan. Oh, UFC asked to go on Conan to promote the fight.

And JP was like, do you think Conor would be good on Conan? And I was like, yeah, he absolutely would. I think he'd be brilliant. I've seen all his interviews he's funny he was booked from that I have a voicemail

on my phone from Conor McGregor thanking me for getting him on the Conan O'Brien show which is the one where he called out Floyd Mayweather

which is when Floyd Mayweather agreed to the fight I set up Can I give him a round of applause? You can I thought that was

going to be bullshit I set up Tyson Lewis I did Can I give him a round of applause? You can. I thought that was going to be bullshit. I settle. Tyson Lewis. I did. Talk us through it. Let me just get the bullshit bell ready. On you go.

Let's see. He's laughing to give himself thinking time. This is part fake laughing. He's now thinking he's making up the lie this is the bullshit about Daniel we use it I was on the school playground that is phenomenal and I was talking to my mates

and I was like Tyson would smash Lewis's head in defo and at that time Lennox Lewis's best mate walked past the school playground on the phone to lennox lewis and lennox lewis was like hang on what the fuck did that kid just say there and then yeah and then they had a fight yeah okay good thank you very satisfying to let him go wow what's the conan like what is it Eight years ago

So what are you in You're like three Four years in at that point Even that No no First time I did I've been going for six How old are you now

I turn 30 in a couple of weeks Okay cool You've been going for I've been going for I've been going for 13 Close to 14 years Yeah

Oh gee You were 16 Yeah 16 probably Heavy that I mean don't get me wrong I wasn't fucking I wasn't good

But you know Get out of the way Yeah but you don't need to be good Do you You just need to be getting better Aye you just need to I mean Everyone goes

What's the one advice You give to comedians Just go Get the fuck on stage And just do that For the longest possible Until you're no longer One terrified of being up there Or two you don you're no longer one terrified of being up there

or two you don't care that you're scared of being up there or three you know you resent them enough to make them laugh I thought you were on Conan

like faster in your career path than that so six years isn't like a loser fuck yeah I mean I did Conan after three

I don't yeah six years to get on Conan. Fucking six years. Yeah. Where did you get booked for it? Did you do a gig in Hull?

And they were like, the Conan people are in. We keep having to comp them. Yeah, he actually, he has a second home in Hull. He was just in the crowd. It's really unusual. Usually you spend a lot of time at gigs in Lincoln, but they've really expanded the net. The French. One of the, yeah, the guy. The book set. they spend a lot of time at gigs in Lincoln but they've really expanded the net the fringe

one of the yeah the guy that books it came over to the fringe and god I miss the fringe he's a good guy JP

he is he is and he knows he's a good pint he's a good like late drinker as well he's always there

at those late bars till like 5 o'clock in the morning he's also something that you don't really get much of in the UK which is somebody who books comedy for a show

who regularly attends comedy clubs. JP Bucket Bookscorer will go into comedy clubs every single week. He watches comedy all the fucking time. It's his favourite thing in the world. That's why he does it. Knows comics. Knows comics, right?

And to do Conan is great because JP will sit there and go, this joke will not work on that fucking show because i know that show and this won't work in it so don't do that he knows shit when it's over here you just get people bbc people being like look we know you've got an audience but we feel that your audience would like if you wore a tiara and we know you've never done it before but we're the bbc and we've got loads of black books we've done things anyway so and then they just you know just so there was no fiddling they sort of bit of

advice jp was just he was like would you like to do the show send me through what you'd like as a fucking set i sent through what i sent through i sent through specifically in the set a joke that i always put in all my sets because i know they're going to cut the joke out of the show just make every person who has to edit your set make them feel like they did their job by putting in a joke that there's no way it's going to make the television and then they go i'll take this one out i've got a question yeah i've got a question man yeah what's the joke they let me do it it went out on conan it was my mum's sister has a very healthy outlook to contraception. Well, no, my mum has a very healthy outlook

to contraception, which is good because her sister is anti-abortion, which is a cruel nickname, but she's had five. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just a joke

that I always put in every single set because I knew the second abortion's mentioned, it'll get cut out and then they'll leave the rest of the set alone. And Conan are like, this is good! Yeah! Man, on the set, you could see me laugh.

The worst thing comedians do when they laugh at their own jokes. I did it on Conan, because I could not believe that they let me tell an abortion joke at 7pm on American television. Amazing. Because they fucking hate abortions over there. Yeah, but it's filmed in LA and not like, you know,

Birmingham, Alabama. Conan on the road. Don't have as many abortion jokes. Oh, wow. Oh, God. Are you okay? Do you need a, should we have a little breather?

Probably. It feels like it. I've laughed a lot. We all took a breath, didn't we? Yeah, whack a sponsor in here, and then we'll be back in a sec. Should I, uh... I'll have a bottle of water as well,

please, mate. They're just in the corner over there. I'm good, thank you. What do you want to do here, Adamski? Do you want to... So we've got a brand new sponsor today, guys It is Manscaped These are the best in men's below-the-belt grooming And Manscaped offers precision-engineered tools For your family jewels Manscaped offers precision-engineered tools for your family jewels.

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and we mentioned Mark Nelson. Nonsense! And Peter Ronnie Williams who gives us a load of questions says Hi Lids, would love to know which comedians you two would like to see have a big comedy special or DVD and go on to be massive like Bishop, McIntyre, Bridges

for me it would be Mick Ferry, I think he's amazing and would be fantastic on a special also, just to add on, you can't pick each other, you big nonces. Well, then I'm not playing. I can't pick myself, I don't want to know. I thought that was going to be

really nice. You'd be like, well, I'm not playing because I obviously want to pick Dan, but you're like, no, if I can't pick myself, then fuck it. It's like trying to give yourself a blowjob and you're like, oh God, you're great. Mick Ferry was on that, sorry? Mick Ferry was on that, sorry,

Mick Ferry was on that McIntyre we mentioned, wasn't he? Yeah, yeah. Mick's fucking brilliant. He's so good that people will want to see him again because that's what we were talking about before,

about people getting breaks before their time. Then there's that other lane where people are just so good that the audience go, ah, it was a great night but that guy,

what's his name? Oh, her name. Glenn Wool's a big one. Glenn Wool. He's coming it was a great night, but that guy, what's his name? Oh, her name. Glenn Wool's a big one. Glenn Wool. He's coming on in a few weeks, Glenn. Glenn's amazing.

He's two guests away, I think, yeah. Yeah. He's dead, dead, dead good. He's really good.

I know she's done a bit of TV, but I think Zoe Lyons is fucking excellent, you know? Yeah. Like, in a live fucking environment. They're three big dogs aren't they

they're three of the big circuit dogs fairy wall lions if you saw a bill like that you'd be like if that was a big glee then you're like

oh shit probably not do that new bit and that fucking shit that I thought of on the M6 yeah that's a top end

store bill that's one of the best store bills you'll see and one where yeah one where you we would be doing the pussy spot and still terribly nervous sure mclaughlin is a guy that gets a lot of love on here i'd love it if he got like

i think his route would probably be someone giving him like a sitcom where he gets to write it properly you know like it's not gonna happen though is it they just don't do that anymore so you're brilliant at writing comedy do Do you want to write some comedy? Yeah. Well, you're brilliant at writing comedy, but Dave fancies to go as well, so you listen to him. Do you mind if we just fucking interfere with the entire process that has made you incredible?

We know you're very successful at the moment, but we'd like to use it and then also disrupt it at the same time. As the BBC, we think that your audience, that we know, would like you to do. Can you bring them to us, but doing our thing? We want your audience to become our audience, but not by doing things you do, because we don't like those things.

We want you to do things our way so that your audience like the way we do things. Thank you very much. None of the effort. And can you get to Swindon? You mentioned Martin Nelson. Martin Nelson's a big one. I think Nelson's just with

nelson i started when i started the scottish circuit he was like i put nelson in my top five i think in the uk that's right yeah we did a dream bill didn't we did i put him on yeah yeah i i've got nelson in my top five i think uk circuit comics like you do not want to be closing the bill if he's had to go on in the middle for whatever reason you know what i mean yeah one of the ones we just got i do not want to fucking follow that yeah it's thumbing the shit down the bathroom and it's just fucking in it that you the the best comics have all the punters laughing all the other comics laughing all the staff laughing and the promoter like that is the this there's comics that can do one of those things everyone could there's those comics

and they stay for a pint they stay for a pint the best comics are like i'll have a quick pint before i get off rather than no it's fucking 907 and i've got to beat the the road closures at 9 14 so i don't like them he's great he's martin elson is great for a pint yeah because he's just so sound but he doesn't dominate you know he's just one of them isn't he

like he's so fun you'll say something very very cutting that you don't even realise he's cutting until the walk home yeah

you just hear that what a lovely time we can have I can't believe you said that I went to a hip hop night with him in Birmingham and he

we got steaming and I was single and he wasn't and I was chasing this girl around who was fucking rough

and you know you're like I don't care I'm single I'm on my holes I'm in Birmingham when in Rome and he

just sort of witnessed the whole night happening yeah fucking call it a night fucking nightingale doing fucking hip hop that's a decent He just sort of witnessed the whole night happening. Yeah, fucking quality. Fucking Nightingale doing fucking hip hop, isn't it? That's a decent, that's a not bad Nelson impression. That's a little bit fucking peed away. Is there anyone sort of newer, sort of up and coming

you think it'd be great if they got there? sort of newer sort of up and coming you think it'd be great if they got there don't say Gareth Waugh because it'll make him too happy

well I mean that challenge it was it was gonna be it was gonna be Waugh Gareth Waugh Laura Lex is really good I really like

watching her show Laura's great yeah Elliot I saw Elliot I mean he's a friend but I saw Elliot Steele actual do an hour last year and it was very very good which is so different

to his other stuff yeah not for me on that one yeah what's he doing with his hair we're talking about too many comics and no one knows him yet

alright let's flip it around which famous comics do you want to see allegations come out of oh here we fucking go well I mean, the ones that we all know have done stuff.

How about those ones? It's really the right verb, Rick. Jesus, Dan. Yeah. You know that big one that we all know but we're not allowed to talk about that one,

I reckon. Why aren't we allowed to talk about it? Because whenever people try to, we hear that they get silenced and then we get scared and then it's also because the libel laws are awful and if you can't prove something you can't say something and people who

have done evil things don't want even rumors to go around so they'll sue and they'll harass and you know because the world is fucked adam yes yeah fair enough he's got a really good career your career's going places and i've got a house when we started the podcast and we were on like 800 000 for those first few episodes it was the wild west we were like and now all of a sudden you're like yeah better be careful we're on the youtube without mentioning any names i will tell this story and the comic we're talking about who is allegedly a bad person in a sexual way. There was a comic doing a show about him in Edinburgh,

and the bad comics management team and PR got in touch with the comic doing the show and was like, stop doing that. So he spoke to a lawyer, and the lawyer went, you actually can take it a couple of steps further than what you're already taking it, and it made the show more libelous, but not libelous enough to be actually libelbelous have you ever written a joke where you're

like i love this bit you know when you sometimes run it by a mate comedian if you have to run it by a fucking lawyer like i'm just gonna check with counsel yeah can i say it i mean yeah but surely the fact that you're talking to us suggests that maybe just stick to knock this just feels how fun is the joke could you print it out and fax it over doesn't read funny have you had anyone like producer wise when you've done tv or something tell you you can't do a joke did like any specials have you had to take anything out? Not specials, no. But yeah, fucking stand-up routines. Absolutely. I've been told that I can't do

jokes on the BBC but no, I can't do jokes on Channel 4. I did Live at the Palladium a couple of years ago and I think I was like there was real... because I want to talk about smoking I've got a joke about smoking weed

because I smoke weed and have done for most of my life and I don't think it's a bad thing and I want to talk about it because I've got a good joke and they Because I've Smoked weed And have done for most of my life And I don't think it's a bad thing And I want to talk about it Because I've got a good joke And they were like You can't talk about it I don't want to see it on the BBC

And I was like But you But you can And nobody cares This is like You know The only reason it has power Is because you're making it

To boom And yeah They get really weird stuff They'll cut out Jokes I remember I did the Paul O'Grady show It was my first ever

TV break when I was 17 I remember that you know Do you I remember saying that Because my mum used to watch that Oh god So I'd come home from like Sixth form or something

And you were on it Just doing stand up For no reason And it was It was for no reason But I used to have a joke When I was talking about Me and my dad

Having a misunderstanding Like I think he's talking to have a joke when I was talking about like me and my dad having a misunderstanding like I think he's talking about sex but he thinks he's talking about shaving and one of the lines is oh the first time you do it

there's going to be a little bit of blood right and they were like blood's just too visual for all right so you can you can you just say

mess and I'm like the first time you do it there's going to be lots of mess that's worse blood's way tamer mess could be jizz yeah yeah mess is way way more could be a combination of blood blood jizz and shit just start everywhere pasted all over the walls what would that

blizzle blism blood blood shits sounds like an mc blishism mc blish a jewish mc um what were next netflix like i mean the rumor is that they're just like do what the fuck you want yeah i mean they never they didn't i mean we they didn't ask for anything but this jigsaw we just we filmed that to their specifications and just sent it through. And they were like, yeah, we'll absolutely take that. They didn't really care much about the material. They trusted me as a comedian to it.

They wanted a lot of input on how it was filmed and that side of things, which my agent was annoyed with, but as a comedian, I didn't give a shit. But comedically, they interfered with absolutely fuck all. And it it was great is that essentially just them wanting the specs to be right yeah yeah specs just like it needs to be this quality it needs to be this many angles and you know there's certain things about what you can and can't show i think but not one single problem about material yeah not a single problem same with hbo injury uh only problem with the only problem we ever uh wasn't even a problem but the only sort of hurdle we ever encountered with hbo

was because the because the show x is about uh i talk about sexual assault and because of i mean you know the story yeah uh the whole show is about sexual assault and male complicity and all it all um i had never put a trigger warning on the show x when we were touring it just because i didn't i was like if i put a trigger warning on the show i i think it will like dissuade the type of person that's usually if you see a trigger warning you're like oh what kind of show is this it's got trigger warning on it yeah i know that reaction so i didn't want to do it because i thought it would you know isolate or or exclude people who i thought should see and enjoy the show from a neutral fucking perspective.

And then eventually a bunch of women walked out of the show in San Francisco, not because they hated it, but basically because I was talking about rape, and they'd been raped. And it came out of the blue and they were upset. So after a long discussion about them, I was like, every day before the show I'll get Kai to mention, not do a public trigger warning, but Kai will do one, just before I go on stage, explaining that these are are the topics that come up just so that people who have gone through something like that have time to emotionally prepare themselves for listening to the most dramatic thing in the world and it

worked and I it was one time where I was wrong because I'd really fought against trigger warning for a bit with people and then that was enough for me to make me go okay right fine and then we approached HBO with the same thing and they were were like, yeah, they made a trigger warning. And we were like, but it's going down on national television, and it's about sexual assault, and the thing is that quite a lot of people have been sexually assaulted, so it's nice to warn them. And they were like, no, we think it'll be fine.

But once I had one phone call with them and explained it to the guy, they were like, oh, right, sorry. It was one of those things where it almost got wrapped up in the, we don't normally do it. They did what you were doing a year before when you were going no you don't need it but then you understood it yeah yeah it was explained to you and the same thing we've talked about people walking out because they hear trigger words and subject matter but i'm absolutely fine with it as long as you just like you just go away and yeah every every single every single person ever and i spoke to every single person that left my show

Every single one of them It wasn't because they were angry Or upset for years It's because you don't get to choose How some people react to things Even though something Like diabetes You might not give a fucking shit about diabetes

But somebody in the audience says Their dad could have fucking died of diabetes It doesn't mean none of us should do diabetes jokes that doesn't mean they should be fucking banned uh it doesn't give this person a right to stand up and be like you can't fucking joke about it but i do think there should be some more empathy and understanding where you just go ah right i can understand and i'm i'm genuinely sorry that me bringing up this topic did upset you because obviously as a comedian that was never my intention but and so i'm going to apologize for bringing up this thing and not warning you about it as long as you're also willing to admit that you know that's not what i fucking meant you know that i intended it as a joke right even though

it didn't come across as that and i've taken my responsibility for that you've got to admit that you know I wasn't being like murder's the best all people with fuck the dyslexics you know what I meant yeah yeah I'm on the exact same page if you're upset by something and you go I'm not really into this and you just quietly fuck off perfect everyone's a winner you're not listening to the thing that upsets you anymore I can still keep doing what I want to do at my show. You're in my house. So if you don't like it, you leave. I don't leave. Then that's absolutely sound. It's when it's, I'm sure I mentioned this exact quote here the last time we spoke about it, but it's so many episodes ago. I'm pretty sure Joe Rogan said something like trying to get people who are laughing at a joke to get upset at a joke

is like being in a restaurant and trying to get everyone else to hate the food just because you don't like it it's like this linguine is awful everyone's like no we're actually quite enjoying it no no one should like this linguine it's it undercooked, therefore yours all must be undercooked. I'm going to save us all from this. The thing is, I get a lot of walkouts because I've got this edgy bit about the Olympics in 2012. And a lot of people can't handle that. It's just the comics in it.

You can see the rest of the bill just go he's doing that again fuck that fucking brutal that is a hard thing to see as a comedian that's that is the worst type of walkout when a comedian leaves the back of the room well i think phones are fucking brutal for that because you think you're being sound yeah but all of a sudden you're like what's the blue light i recognize that bored looking face oh there's four of them it's just the comedians like oh god it's like a cunt's board of your material on instagram and they're occasionally just when they when they when they hear a joke of yours that they've not heard before they just go ah just so that you go they were there and that's enough yeah it's funny

isn't it where with comics laughing you can you you've got you're aware that audience members are looking at you you you can potentially be seen by other comics it's quite a high you can understand why comics just like i want to be in the dressing room and not have to do it because especially if someone if you're like if you're a comedy club and people like oh it's daniel floss then and you clock them even if you're trying to just watch the show then you're aware that they're watching you watch the show it's like oh god so now if you're just not laughing like god he's a moody cunt isn't he he does not enjoy jokes the post-herbal palsy what a hypocrite yeah and then there's people who laugh too much you're like all right fella all right we just you get it yeah you've

sold me off for that before haven't you like when i just lose it laughing and he's like it's like you're trying to let the comic know that you get it yeah i because mine laughs so distinct i'm like i but i i i laugh like that sometimes especially when the comic's doing bad because and i know this isn't true but it is true the audience is fucking wrong there's so many times when like there's a great comedian on stage doing a bit

that is fucking killer and the audience aren't laughing and there's a professional comedian and it's my job to be funny so I am the expert

in this room you want to go around to these people and go it fucking is funny this is hysterical this is and that's what

the laughter is I feel that if I laugh loud enough other people will know that it's okay to laugh especially because I'm laughing so profoundly at like I feel that if I laugh loud enough other people will know that it's okay to laugh especially because I'm laughing so profoundly Adam

I think that might be worse than like Daniel Snoss isn't laughing rather than you going ha ha ha come on come on dickhead

we all find pedophilia funny come on shall we do some would you rathers Adam do you want to yeah yeah yeah have you got one am I doing these no you rathers Adam Do you want to Have you got one Would you rather

We do would you rathers You know like Me and Kai do would you rathers on our podcast They're great I fucking love a would you rather It's a fun easy way to ignite a debate Oh well thank you for that little peek behind the curtain we'll put that on the dvd extras that's for the patreon listeners

one for the fucking insiders but we've run out of them can't think of any so now we just let the listeners do and it sometimes works interestingly would you rather uh your cock size is halved but everyone that sees it thinks it's twice as big as it originally was or your cock size is doubled but anyone that sees it sees it half the size

that it was originally. I can tell you right now that I know that he's got a massive dick. Well, thanks for listening, everyone. I mean... I've heard Kai describe it as a baguette

without even blinking so this is the worst question to ask I would I would like a smaller penis yeah anything if I was if you were to double the length of my dick I'd kill someone

so I'll go for that and I and I yeah same here mate I've also had 10 years of people knowing I have a big dick. So it's for the next 10 years, people think I've got a small dick. Fair play.

Same answer for me. Couldn't double this bad boy. What would you wear? Fucking pricks. But he had a medical penis reduction apparently you i if i go half i honestly i basically don't have a dick for the winter when i was a kid i i'd have a hibernation hibernation penis baby baby we're we can, we can't have a summer baby. We just can't.

During those months. We are not going to conceive October to March. You shove yours in me because we might as well see what happens because I assure you, this stopped being a dick round about November. Spring, the flowers are budding. And here comes Dan's two-inch dick. All sleepy from the winter. Morning has broke.

Your first erection is like Groundhog Day. It symbolises the end of the long winter. Bill Murray comes out to check if Dan's got his erection every morning. Punks a tiny dick. Oh my God. How big is it? Use this. Show us on the doll. Oh my god How big is it? Like use this Show us on the doll You got a pencil shot there

It's not big Let's get a pink one In and around Within a margin of error So you'd have to half it No Would you be happy if it halfed is it that big

no no I like the size that it is any bigger would be terrible that's what everyone says that's what my wife

tells me it fits perfectly it fits perfectly I mean I have a tiny vagina my vagina is oversized that's like wearing

an oversized hoodie honestly do you know when you put on a hoodie That's just so big And you get lost in it I've got a TARDIS fanny I'm small on the outside but I swear to god You better give your sperms a map

Because jeez I would like to conceive But unless there's an Uber from dick To fucking eggs. It's just, it could end up anywhere. I want to sneeze, and I swear. It's all connected to all of it. A TARDIS fan here.

Doctor, who's in there? Who's in there? Oh, God. I laughed a lot there You know the podcast is called Have a word Yeah Should we do some have a words as well

Or do you want to do that Didn't you have another word you'd rather Oh sorry yeah I did No No Have you got one No you've got to have a word I've got to have a word yeah

We've really prepped this bit Dan I don't a word i've got to have a word yeah we really prepped this bit dan i don't know what pvc radio swimming like but we really worked oh no we've got that bit of advice this is this fucking rarely people actually ask for advice like have a word is meant to be us sort of passing judgment on people's friends and family when they're being a bit of a fucking bellend but this one is from a listener who's asked to be us sort of passing judgment on people's friends and family when they're being a bit of a fucking bellend but this one is from a listener who's asked to be anonymous and uh genuinely want some advice all right uh wonder if you lids could give me some advice i've changed their names as i'm not sure what to do and could also keep my name off the pod we will um i just want to mention the names my sister is married with three young kids. She's a care worker. So she's been working throughout lockdown, usually 12 hour shifts with very little time off.

Her husband has been furloughed, no judgment. Uh, so he's home all the time. So my wife's sister is single and she's on dating websites and recently discovered that this guy, my sister's husband is on Tinder looking for other women. So we all know now. So my wife says we should just leave it as it's not our place to interfere. But I want to tell my sister as I would want to know if my other half was on dating sites behind my back. I don't want to confront him as I'd be scared of beating the living shit out of him. I also thought of catfishing him, but don't know how to make the big reveal the thought of him messaging other women while she's caring for the elderly um and dying is making me livid any thoughts and ideas are welcome

i'm telling you right now his wife is on tinder as well that if there's a woman who doesn't want to get involved with this drama is like no we should leave it she's she's fucking eyed and something right so that's where you head to to instantly. So you reckon she's projected that into her own life. She's like, I've got to be against this so that he's very aware that I'm not doing this, even though she is. Is that what you're saying? No, so the guy who's wrote in,

it's his sister's fella, isn't it, who's on the thing. Potentially cheating on him. But the guy who's written in, his wife has said, isn't it, who's on the thing. Potentially cheating on him. But the guy who's written in, his wife has said, Leave it. Leave it. So his wife, his wife.

You think she's cheating on Tinder? She's on Tinder because she's going, No, just leave it. There's no way. I've never met a girl in my life who would be dealt with this situation and go, I'm not getting involved. That has got secret spies written all over it.

There's no way. Yeah, leave it, love. It's boring. Anyway, what are we watching on TV tonight? I'm not having it. Bullshit. Also, just... Hey, camera, just one sec.

She's shagging someone, mate. I'm telling you right now. Poor bloke just writes in to get some advice. Dear agony, I am just sad as crap. I can't believe Adam and Dan are going to answer my questions. It's been plaguing my mind for the last advice. Do you agree? And just sat in this car and be like, I can't believe Adam and Dan are going to answer my questions. It's been plaguing my mind for the last week.

What to do? My poor sister. I love her so much. Linda! Just a drabbing tear streaming down his face. She's shagging someone. I'm telling you.

Would you get involved? Regardless of what your wife's up to would you be like if my sister was yeah yeah I've got a cousin

who's like a sister to me her name's Dolly if I found out her fella was on Tinder yeah absolutely would you go to her or would you go to him I'd go and batter him

and then I'd go to her where there's blood in a bag fucking I'd punch the cancer out of him what would you do yeah just go to her fuck him just go to her and go,

there you go. I assume you've broken up now. Let's all move on together and then just not fucking acknowledge the cunt. But they've got three kids together, haven't they? It's three young kids. It's high wire. Put them on Tinder.

Is that how it works? You can just put them on Tinder and then hand them away. Prostitute the kids or your wife. Everyone's fucking everyone. Some pretty bleak advice here. No here no i didn't mean i didn't mean put the kids on tinder to be like to have sex with the kids but just like hey me and my girlfriend broke up does anyone want these like you know use it as an adoption like facebook marketplace yeah

isn't there an adoption tinder yeah because it's for shagging not adoption right yeah the kids on tinder with adoption you just get fucking lumped with whatever they give you if there was a tinder you'd be like don't want that one don't like the look of that i think any adoption company where if you were to walk in you'd be like by the way i fundamentally care what the child looks like they're going well in that case in that case you're not getting a child in that case there's no way we're giving you one of these neglected fatherless motherless if your first question is can i get a fucking fitty because fuck raising an uggo you just don't get to adopt it's not for get a dog rescue a dog little little little if you were going to adopt a kid would you not want to look at it first

would you not want to know but yes but that's why I shouldn't be allowed to adopt because that's not how adoption should work it should be that because they don't give you a baby you're looking at getting like a

17, 18 place kid like by that age you know what they're going to look like well but then it's not just you're not just going off looks Once they've developed a personality I wanna know what the kids like

As a personality Do you want a video? Have a chat Aye Well then again The kids can just catfish you Maybe they're just You know

If they don't I love the idea Are they sloths? I love the They were trying to develop An app for a fucking For Barnardo's For a problem that does not exist

If you want a kid It's an absolute nightmare Going to see them. They're sad and they smell a little bit. Go on lonelychild.co.uk. Swipe left to be interested in adoption. Swipe right to give them a future of darkness. Every time you swipe left,

we let the kid know how many families have rejected... You got seven no's today, John. Seven no's I can't believe it I just want a mummy and daddy Did anyone's fingers like hesitate Or hover? None, none at all

We have all that information And there's little Jamie in the corner going oh god How does it work seven families Do you get given any pictures when you adopt? Yeah yeah yeah you do You get to meet the kid, it's not like... Where are you getting your kid from?

What do you need pictures from? They just deliver it like Amazon, you reckon Bezos? Are you getting an international fucking kid? I thought it was a big book and you wrote down what you want and you get them out the box. If I'm adopting, I definitely want someone from a horror place in the world that makes me look good.

Because one from Loughborough is fucking boring, isn't it? Oh, where did you adopt from? Loughborough, Malawi. That's where I got my kid from because I'm a better person than you with your Loughborough child. Also, just like, imagine you were to get one.

Imagine you adopt a kid from Edinburgh and for them to come and judge your house. They'd be like, oh, is this where I have to live? Go back to the fucking home, mate. I'd fucking hate to adopt a child from Edinburgh and for them to come and judge your house and they'd be like oh is this where I have to live go back to the fucking home then I'd fucking hate to adopt a child

from Edinburgh as he walks around going oh Christ well you say you get to meet the kid three stars for this fucking shit all although the internet

is very quick I'll give you that you say you get to meet them but like after you've met them can you say no yeah

yeah yeah yeah to their base though yeah you've got you've got to tell you say no yeah yeah yeah yeah to the base though they do they do it like the voice little timmy comes in like hello i'm timmy my my parents were nice let me fit turns around he's in a wheelchair nice

hey I fancy the parking I fancy the parking it does it does looks easier oh god my ribs are hurting it's such a funny

you've got a tear under your eye we're talking about adoption and you're crying for the wrong reason oh god so yeah on a serious note I hope everyone's alright and you're crying for the wrong reason. Oh, God. So, yeah, on a serious note,

I hope everyone's all right. I'm genuinely asking here, right? So, you've met the kid. You don't fancy that one. As in, you don't want to take him, you don't want to fuck him. You don't want that kid. Can you say to that adoption agency,

I don't want this one, but let's look at what else you've got in the back, or do you have to go to another adoption agency? In the back? In the back? in the stock room the kid room yeah yeah hold on

yeah yeah I'll just check we've got a wide range of colours have you got this in black Jesus Christ I think there's

you get to you meet you meet you don't know Daniel I don meet. You don't know, Daniel. I don't know. You don't represent the Adoption Board of Scotland.

I love it. I was going, Adam, let me talk you through it. None of us know. Adam's going, Dan, can you tell us?

Yeah, we've talked about Conan. That was fine. What about adoption? Look, if I was to run it, here's how it would work. I'd love to.

If me and Jay did adopt and we did get a black one, I would pretend forever that I was completely oblivious and that I thought it was mine. That would be a fun bit. Oh, that would be a good bit. It'd be funny, that, wouldn't it?

Just forever. So, did you guys adopt? No. No? No. So, like a surrogacy? No, no, it's just... That's our kid.

My sperm. Jay's vagina. Woo! Baby. Sex education with, I don't know Oh god I'd like to I genuinely would like to

Adopt Just because I just think it's the only way Scotland will ever have a good football team Where did you get it from? Oh England Just anyway Oh no for me i'm a genuinely true believer in like nurture over nature yeah and recycling so and also you don't want to give the world a child with a dick as big as yours so nature over nature so you think you could teach a kid to be good at football rather than he's born with it oh no no

no sorry sorry i mean in the sense that, like, regardless of where I adopted the kid, it would be my kid. Like, once you've adopted a child, it's... Oh, sorry, I thought we were making a serious point. I thought we were doing jokes and I'm, like, doing a dick child joke. I'm in my nurture nature. Really, in my head, I was like,

no, that's a lovely point actually done. Back to the dick joke. If my son didn't have my dick size, that's when I'd be going up to my girlfriend being like, who is he? Who is he? Why does my son, who is he? Who is he? Why does my son have a tiny cock? Who is he?

Oh my God. Who is he? Was he better than me? Clearly not. Clearly not. So what else was it? Nature nurture though, yeah? Nature nurture, yeah.

It's all about... I've got to have a word. So can we just, what's the advice? Have we just gone and say... No, so? Nature nurture, yeah. It's all about... I've got to have a word. So can we just... What's the advice? Have we just go and say... No, so our advice is to adopt, wasn't it? That was the advice. Totally.

Our advice is to get rid of these three kids, find three more on the app, and then tell a sister to fuck them off. I can't... You've got to go and tell a sister. You have to tell a sister. You've got to go and tell a sister. Christmas is coming.

And do it before Christmas. Because it's going to be cracker, cracker, and then it's going to blow in it. The goose is getting fat. Her husband's on the Tinder because he's a dirty fucking rat. Wow. Those rat battles have done you well, haven't they? Aye. Baz.

I'd gently break it to your sister. Or download Tinder onto her phone and then just... or do a gender reveal where you pop the bloom and it's just a photo of him on Tinder I'd do it privately though I wouldn't go around and have a scene I'd just go mate I've got some fucking shitty news you can do with what you want but this is happening don't be like through the fucking

Tuesday night you'll never guess who's cheating on you swatting dominoes everywhere everyone living room family meeting not family for long though Tuesday night you'll never guess who's cheating on you swatting dominoes everywhere everyone living room family meeting not family for long though

have we got an actual have a word can I play the theme tune yeah can't hear it Dan

I'm probably not going to do that because Dan can't fucking I've loved today this has been a fucking belter I've loved it funny funny funny

so just before I read this you should know our listeners we never really set this up at all but they started just emailing in but they would choose not our names.

So I'd be like Alan and Denzel. Oh, someone called me Dave accidentally. And now we're getting Adnan and Danai. Well, today we've got, hello, Abercrombie and Ditch. Oh, nice. That's good. Yeah, nice. You're Ditch.

All right. I think that's the thing that was going to break me. The fuck? Where have you been for 90 episodes? You're Ditch. Your ditch. All right. I think that's the thing that was going to break me. Oh, fuck. Where have you been for 90 episodes? Your ditch. Have a fucking minute. I can't believe it. Too far.

I mean, the adoption thing was funny. Dear accident and de-jurgency. De-jurgency. Stay down. Abercrombie and Ditch, have a word with my brother for me He's an absolute liability Whenever we're on a night out

He can't just have four pints and go home He has to have 30 bevvies Such a scouse email He can never just have four and drive home Four's not that many To drive home No but it's not that many To drive home No but it's not that many To just

Oh no I agree Right He has to have 30 bevies He's out till 6, 7, 10am Basically it's impossible Basically until it's impossible To get alcohol He's out of the bevies

He's fucking 6, 7, 10am He loves pale ale Sometimes he goes two days Man You should see how chatty This guy is on a Guinness, lads. Honestly, after the couple of bites. Do you know when you just had four gin and tonics

and you want to go dancing for hours? Lads, I can't just have four. You know what? I now believe he's only having four bites. I love Bacardi Breezers. He then spends his next week borrowing money to survive on shite food and cigs.

I wonder what he spent it on. Yeah, he's an absolute fiend, mate. Very apparent. He then gets paid. He pays whoever he owes and it starts all over again. Can you tell him to grow up? He's 24, nearly 25.

He needs to get himself a bed, calm down down rather than shagging any coked up troll who'll let him every single weekend he's had so many stds i'm pretty sure he's immune to covid because he's basically part man part antibiotic he loves the podcast and he's more likely to listen to you than any of the lads thanks from connor whitehall i love them girls. I'm not tired. No, you're not.

Neither am I. Where should we go? Well, it's nowhere with this dick. Because it just turned out it's the winter season. In July? Yes, in July. Yes, in July. What do you reckon?

Well, I mean, can you stop a 24-year-old? It's the question to try and convince a 24-year-old to stop doing cocaine and drink. Yeah, sure, I'll give that a go. No, there's no way. He'll definitely listen to you guys. As if he's going to listen to the whole of this episode. All of the shite we've just chatted and gone,

yeah, I'm going to change my ways. That's it. The church. Just wear a condom you fucking idiot. This is like talking about my life innit.

I can't have four like I can have three and go home but that fourth one that's the tipping point that and then I'm out till Tuesday.

I can't man. It's gonna in my experience in my experience I in my experience, I remember when I was drinking back in the old, 02, 1902,

different time. It's gonna fizzle out when it fizzles out. You can't, he's either gonna have to do something so bad that it fucks up his life and it makes him realise

or it will gradually fizzle out. You can't come in as a brother and be like, May, change your ways doesn't work like that in very little in the history of all boozy coked up 24 year olds has a older brother gone you're really on a third year liability as if he's gonna go yeah you're right it's just as long as he's not gonna kill himself like it's also it's also yeah it's when people

have retired giving you like hey you should stop and you go but you didn't so why why don't I just do it for five more years like you didn't retire then and you're like

yeah yeah okay you just need to meet any bird because that can never end badly I know you do coke and drink but just meet

any girl that also I mean I don't know any bad relationships they started with low self-esteem and hardcore conviction we should commit it can help though sometimes to meet a girl and calm

yourself down a bit jade's defo calmed me down a lot yeah but you met jade you didn't meet a girl you yeah meet in the right person whether it's girl boy or whatever or someone on the binary spectrum i'm changing um if you meet a they yeah yeah yeah cool um it's it's not the meeting of that person that's going to sort you out if you meet the right if you meet someone you really like and that happens but you can't just be like i'm a big coke head and i'm drinking all the time i just need any fucking girlfriend because women are all sane and on the right track all of them you're just gonna end up there's no there's no way that the type of woman who would love me a coked up mess is also a quote about she's clearly a lawyer or a doctor just waiting

to fix me yeah just bored just bored of her job of being a woman that she just wants me to stumble into her life and be like hey give him five years i can maybe be a dad yeah i'm a highly educated career woman but i need a project you could invest like like that's a good way to go to get someone out your league maybe he's really attractive maybe like a real ugly lawyer could be like if i invest in him for five years i'll have a really good looking well put together boyfriend at the end hey no what you're gonna do then is be a drinker who does coke who has an angry girlfriend just be a fucking boozer who does coke don't don't involve a woman who is now going to be constantly disappointed with you all right stop don't

make don't make don't drag her down with you go down in flames alone like a king have some fucking respect for the fairer sex do it alone and go out swinging that's my advice fucking you know what get another bag fuck it you know what it's 2020 we're probably america is going to cease to exist as a country next year get another bag and just do it well Dragon it well, yeah. Yeah. It's just not, that's my advice to them. Fuck it. America's 100%. China's looking moody.

The US is on their hopes. COVID's a fucking nightmare. Get another bag, lean into it. Nice one. Oh God. Got to tune to, is that us?

Is that end of business? I mean, we probably need a break, don't we? Oh, Daniel Sloss, what a fucking pleasure it's been. Thanks genuinely so much for having me.

I think we made some interesting points around some rather hilarious bullshit. I can't remember what any of them were. We close out with a song on the audio. Good, would you like me to sing it? Yeah, it's... It's my way. That's Mark Nelson.

I fucking did it, maybe. This is our first ever drum and bass track sent in by Chris Townsend who is bass Jedi who's a absolute hall of famer and listener

it's by North Bass it's called Light It Up featuring the Melody Men it's out today you can purchase it on Beatport North Bass N-O-R-T-H-B-A-S-E

North Base check it out absolute chew Daniel Sloss thanks for coming in what a fucking pleasure that's been that's a good one

they're going to enjoy that if you are watching on the video version please go and get some merch or something from haveawaypod.com and extra episode every single week

on patreon.com slash haveawaypod bye Felicia bye Felicia. Bye, Felicia. We're gonna get lost in our rhythm We're taking it high Flowing just like a river Far and wide We're gonna get lost in a rhythm Take to the sky It's do or die Said the color never fades away Whenever we step out

The color never fades away Whenever we sing out Throw your hands high in the air Never let go cause we're there To rise, to rise, to rise We're bringing the fire, we're bringing the fire So just light it up, light it up We're telling us light it up, light it up

We're bringing the fire, we're bringing the fire So We bringin' the fire Fire So just light it up, light it up We tell em' just light it up, light it up Hula So just light it up, light it up We bringin' the fire Fire Fire Fire We bringing the fire We telling us light it up, light it up So just light it up, light it up

Hold up We're gonna get lost in the rhythm We're gonna get dust in the rhythm So we're gonna take to the city, be the last man down Bringing in a new generation, it's the rising sound Bringing in a new generation, it's the rising sound So we're gonna take to the city, be the last man down Bringing in a new generation, it's the rising sound, the rising sound Said the color never fades away, whenever we step out The color never fades away, whenever we step out, the color never fades away

Whenever we sing out, throw your hands high in the air Never let go cause we dare to rise, to rise, to rise We're bringing the fire, we're bringing the fire So just light it up, light it up We're bringing the fire We're bringing the fire So just light it up, light it up We're telling them just light it up, light it up We're bringing the fire We're bringing the fire So just light it up, light it up We're telling them just light it up, light it up Hold up!

Light it up, light it up, light it up Hold up So just light it up, light it up We bringing the fire Boom We telling us light it up, light it up So just light it up, light it up Light it up, light it up Hold up So just light it up, light it up, hold up

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