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#83 with The Redmen TV - IN STUDIO - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

August 31, 20200 comments♥ 0

00:00 Order, order, order! Like John Bercow says, if you'd like to order some merchandise, get to haveawordpod.com. For the old motherfuckers, that's www.haveawordpod.com. Get yourself some t-shirts, hoodies, support the podcast. There's loads of other stuff up there. Go and have a look at the website, haveawordpod.com. Uh, thank you. Now, I'm getting the word...

00:20 Notch. Oh, jeez. Show me muscle again Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

00:25 Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

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00:30 Oh Oh Oh Follow us on social media at Have A Wad Pod. And don't forget to watch our very funny podcast videos on YouTube. They go by Alan and Dave, Aaron and Dean, Grandad and the Yeti, or even Chanel and Denise. But what's for sure is they are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Down your tub or shandy and tell a friend. This is Haveava Wad. Bumholes! Look at that.

01:30 A nice, clean, crisp bumholes. How are you? Good. You look nice in your Borussia Dortmund hoodie. I bought this. It's not a hoodie. It's a tracky top. Tracky top.

01:41 I bought it about 18 months ago. And 18 months ago, the size of this was ambitious it took 18 months for me to whip it out the wardrobe and be like does this fit and even now it's like

01:51 sort of which member of staff at Borussia Dortmund would still get the kit but definitely not be one of the players you're like I'm the

02:03 I'm the bus driver BVB on my left hip puma on my right hip talking to car like puma and if they ever want to sponsor us i'll take this back a bit of a shit brand aren't they um i wouldn't wear this if it wasn't for the barisha dortmund badge yeah because it would look a little bit like witness but But they're knocking out some money, aren't they? In the last 10 years, they've gone up from like some okay kits. They've done Arsenal, now they're doing Man City.

02:34 Who else have they got? Massive. Have they got like... They've started getting big European clubs. So they're throwing money at it. They've got clubs that want to be big European clubs, like Manchester City. Right.

02:46 All right. Let's not make it political. Although you're playing to the fucking crowd, aren't you, on today's episode. But, yeah, I'm not a big fan of Puma. I can never get over that Cameroon kit from about 10 years ago that they basically made into, like, a fucking starter bra because they were like the

03:05 camp it was skin tight do you remember it was it 2010 um was it not earlier it was 2006 world cup it was like a vest top wasn't it yeah it was like a spray on cameroon kit which to be fair this feels dodgy a lot a lot of the cameroonian lads come come pull off do you know what i mean i'm not sure the republic of ireland you know like when who are like the lower league teams like the pharaoh islands where you've got like a milkman like who's third generation viking you've got to be fit as fuck hungers is hund Hunders is the, he's the deputy head of the school and the left back. He can't have a spray on Faroe Islands puma top,

03:52 can he? The Cameroonian lads, in good nick. Cameroonian. Cameroonian. The camos. Can't call them the camos. Why can't you call them camos?

04:03 Because I feel like it's just... The runas? The runas. You're trying to make it racist when it's not. The cameroonies. The runos. The camroos. The camcams.

04:17 The old roondogs. I think everything's good, but camos. Why? You are making up. How do you know because camo to me means camouflage right so what you're saying is it's like no no one can see them because they're like yeah oh okay i didn't get that that's what you thought immediately wasn't it yeah right the camos yeah you can't yeah yeah you look all camo over there like you can't right okay yeah i can see i can kind of see the problem but i mean where are they playing where they're playing football

04:53 the runos the runos yeah yeah the camros let's let's stop yeah anyway let's stop before we are kicked off of youtube i i think puma make some good stuff amidst a load of shit that like you know you know like i always feel like every puma shoe is so close to being like oh we used to sponsor ferrari and now polish people wear the shoes like it's oh it's all a bit it's all a bit one up from lonsdaledale, isn't it? Yeah. Well, it's like the Lonsdale of the good brands. Like Lonsdale and Gola and Fila, they're like conference brands, aren't they? But like Puma is sort of competing with Adidas and Nike

05:41 and like the underarmors of the world, isn't it? Right, so hang on. Puma wants to be with them and it just isn't. Are we going to do sports brand league table? Oh, yeah, if you ask. So basically, Adidas and Nike are Real Barca. That's the Classico, innit? They're Liverpool.

05:56 Yeah. Alright. And who's the other one? Let's not do it. I think Nike are top. And Adidas and Nike are right up there aren't they it's close

06:07 but Nike are top right because of the trainees hmm I prefer if I had to be sponsored as an athlete this doesn't

06:14 the contract doesn't get offered a lot but I'd go at it I think we've spoken about it you look like a shot putter what if you were going to be anything you'd be a shot putter

06:22 fuck how much weight have I put on that I'm a shot putter you look like a male Miss Trunchbull oh at least I'm male you look like a female shot putter oh she's a big girl you know Miss Trunchbull from Matilda

06:36 yeah that's who I look like like the male version of that fuck off you look like Danny DeVito Matilda's dad. I was quite pleased with that one. It's not often in normal conversation you can slam someone with a Danny DeVito.

06:54 And then what are we talking below that? It's Puma, New Balance, Under Armour. You were saying if you could be sponsored, you'd go with Edis. Oh, I'm an under Edis man, yeah. I was until recently andidas I'm an Adidas man yeah I think I was until recently and then I'm Nike now

07:07 I thought you genuinely meant you'd been sponsored by them I was like Adam's had a stroke I was you know but I've retired from playing now

07:14 Nike Adidas Under Armour I mean way Under Armour New Balance Under Armour No What?

07:25 No Under armour are a long way off Adidas and Nike But they're probably above New Balance I say that New Balance's shoes are Would you wear a New Balance You're wearing an under armour top now Would you wear a New Balance top?

07:39 Yeah Would you? Yeah I think The shoes Judging on boots and shoes That's how you go with it you wouldn't wear

07:45 New Balance boots or Under Armour boots so there's a big gap you mean like fuzzy boots hang on we're getting a bit in the weeds here who have you ever seen

07:53 walking around in Under Armour trainers yeah loads of people no though not good ones yeah Under Armour are a good brand not as good as

08:02 New Balance for shoes Under Armour and New Balance are very level but Under Armour are a good brand Not as good as New Balance for shoes Under Armour and New Balance are very level But Under Armour just Right Then I put Puma in there with them I see Puma's below both of them for me Well they're in and around aren't they

08:16 You'd wear a pair of New Balance But you would not buy a pair of Puma's I had a pair of Puma's not so long ago About a decade probably Who's up there What about Asics Quite like Asics I've got a pair in the nice

08:29 Is that the O-A A-S-I-C-S That's how you spell it It looks like an O on the brand It's an A Right okay Yeah no they're like

08:38 Lower again Yeah they're with Fila and Maffamee Oh yeah Fila Fila's on the way back Yeah Alessi Fila's on the way back. Yeah? Alessi?

08:48 Fila's on the way back. Alessi. Yeah? No. Deodora? Alessi, that lad. Hummel? Deodora?

08:55 Yeah, sub the Hummel. Hummel's one. You know what? You know with Alessi and Fila and Hummel, there's that bit of international about them, like, ooh, they're foreign. Umbro, you're like, oh, fuck off. I'm not... Oh, shit, we've forgotten Reebok.

09:07 Reebok are just above Puma. Reebok's fluid, though, innit? Reebok's over Under Armour. I'm having that. No. Absolutely not. Are you... I don't know.

09:20 Right, who's below Umbro in the fucking... We do sport.er goaler and oh no feeler are way above goaler feelers on the way back honestly they are kappa i put with feeler hey kappa have got a premier league team or two beautiful football kits though all right rock bottom of everything like below georgia as the zone is lonsdale no it's this is how bad lonsdale are you'd be better going on ebay and getting one of the fake brands like we're the four stripes like yeah i hate lons everyone hates lonsdale don't they

09:58 yeah if you if you see someone slasinger like lonsdale's come with an alarm that like you know like on a trolley when you get to the edge of as the car park and it locks lonsdale's come with an alarm that like you know like on a trolley when you get to the edge of as the car park and it locks lonsdale's have them when you go within 100 yards of a school you can't go near the school and your trainers are beeping again my nan did me with a pair of four stripes once Yeah I didn't realise Until I was in the street I mean Out of context Did me

10:28 I mean she lied to me She bought me a pair of shoes White She'll do a white Adidas Put them on I was in the street And someone went Lad they've got four stripes on

10:35 And they were Ador Oh So they got literally thrown at me nan And I was like So you know what she did She bought me K-Swiss tongue twisters To say sorry K-Swiss was sick back in the day K-Swiss tongue twisters to say sorry K-Swiss was sick

10:46 back in the day K-Swiss tongue twisters were fire yeah everyone had K-Swiss all black for school for a while in our school

10:54 it was like a thing you weren't allowed to wear trainees but there was no it was Stan Smith it wasn't K-Swiss they were for a bit and then Stan Smith

11:02 came in and they took over the game but you weren't allowed to wear trainers but like everyone would try and get away with wearing all black trainers

11:08 so there were certain ones that you could get away with there was Prada for a while weren't there and then they banned Prada

11:14 because Prada came out with like black trainer like shoes which were defo shoes because they were Prada

11:20 they're not a sports brand really they're designer so everyone everyone was wearing like no you can't chuck me out of the class miss they're were Prada. They're not a sports brand, really. They're designer. So everyone was wearing like, no, you can't took me out of the classmates. They're fucking Prada. They're Gucci, you bellend.

11:32 But then everyone was getting black. I had a black pair of Prada webs. And then everyone in school was like, if you didn't have them on, you were getting bullied. He was like, what the fuck are you doing here with your fucking kickers, lad? I'm not a big fan. I'm not a big fan. I've, lad? I'm not a big fan. A fan. I'm not a big fan.

11:46 I've said it. I'm not a big fan of the all-black trainers. I think you might as well be like, I'm a Scully Ninja. I just don't. Yeah, but for school. My shoes are the Batmobile. I think you look like a fucking nonce.

12:03 You can't keep me Coming in your night But it's better for school Than wearing like Shit flickers If you wore Reebok classics No one would go near you Because you were hard

12:11 They would like your heart Black Reebok classics But The best shoes To play fussy in When you were a kid Were flat Fussed kickers

12:19 The fucking Absolute power You could get With a flat Do you know what I'm, do you know the shoes I'm talking about? Like the, if you hit that,

12:28 if you hit a ball with your non-existent laces with those shoes on, it was like Adriano on Pro Evolution 2003. It was just an absolutely unstoppable shot. Like a towie with rock portals. Yes! Our school. With a bowler.

12:41 Mate, our school. I can't believe you even got anywhere near anything that looked like a trainer. They were like fucking mental about that our school. Stan Smith's were good for that. Leather shoes, like Clarks. If you were hard, you had Rockport. Yeah. Pods.

13:01 Do you remember pods? Yeah. You got pushed in a bin if you wore pods. No one looked good in pub hello i'm wearing pods you're like oh someone didn't spend the extra dollar see they were all black stan smiths you'd have got they're basically that just the pumps that little girls wear for gymnastics but with laces on them but no the fucking product you will not have been allowed to wear them they're not proud of their adidas that that you can't go anywhere near that at

13:23 school that our school we got away with them, didn't we? Yeah, I absolutely miss. Oh, when you feel for the kids when they're just... You know when people are like, parents are like, and we don't do brands, and we're just having nothing to do with it. You're like, I don't want to be one of them guys like, he's got to have everything,

13:37 just to fucking, you know, rock poor, he's having a fucking lovely watch, you know, like, I'm not, like, you don't do that. But the parents were like, I just don't buy into it. And, you know, they'll get through it. You're like, not like you don't do that but the parents were like i just don't buy into it and you know they'll get through it you're like oh you don't know it's hard going to school with shit clobber in it and you're like oh god i got fucking awful i got really lucky with that as a kid because we were always fucking skints like we had no money whatsoever but my auntie knew a guy who got loads of blackag stuff so I always had

14:05 Armani stuff Hugo Boss Adidas they weren't real but they fucking looked real how much did they cost Adam

14:11 it'd be like 8 quid for the t-shirt no but what was your famous saying what do you mean remember I love it how he knows this period of history

14:20 220 or something no that was real oh was it that was real I bought my mum bought me a full outfit one year she had like You were 20 or something. No, that was real. Oh, was it? That was real. I bought... My mum bought me a full outfit one year. She had, like...

14:28 I just literally saw you in my head walking into school with an all-white Prada suit, like, yeah. Turns out year seven's going to be a motherfucker. My mum, like, I was about to say come into some money. I don't think she come... I think she won, like, a grand on a scratch card or something. I don't think she, in. I think she won like a grand on a scratch card or something. I don't think she like came into money.

14:50 Fucking life changing. This for us kids. But like my mum, her life was her kids, just me and our Jack. So she won that and she was like, right, I'm going to treat you. She's got 500 quid each and we're going to go and get you some nice clothes. And I was like, I'm spending all of it on one fucking thing. I didn't quite do that. and I was like, I'm spending all of it on one fucking thing.

15:04 I didn't quite do that. But she took me to Hugo Boss in the Met Quarter and I got a pair of Hugo Boss combat pants, a Hugo Boss t-shirt, and a lovely Hugo Boss zip-up jacket. And it was 260 quid, right? And then on our own close day in school, I wore that whole outfit to school. And my mates were like,

15:25 who the fuck do you think you are wearing? All Hugo Boss? And I went, fuck off. Like, it was 260 quid, this. And my nickname for three, and I know I had a lot of these, and they're all real. My nickname for like three years was 260.

15:37 Like, I would just be walking down the corridor, and you'd just hear me make Josh go, 260! 260! 260! 260! I don't want no more! 260! Mate, you had so me make Josh go, 260! 260! 260! I don't want no more! 260!

15:47 Mate, you had so many nicknames. People had to keep a little file of facts of like, we're going to rip rope. You were not low visibility at your school. Hang on, what should we call him today? We did 260 last week. I want no more. Yeah, we did that yesterday.

15:59 That was real gear. That was genuinely 260 grand. The visual of that is you're an Albanian cocaine dealer. Just in sliders, like, what do you want? Fucking. There was loads of black stuff. Do you know the way we used to, like, Lacoste trackies were big when I was a little kid.

16:16 Like, between, like, the ages of, like, four and maybe, like, 12. Am I right, you reckon? Yeah. Like, you had to have a Lacoste trackie, and you would get it from St. John's Market, and there was a way that people tested whether a Lacoste trackie and you would get it from St John's Market and there was a way that people tested whether your Lacoste trackie was real

16:28 I just want you to see whether you can guess what the test for a real Lacoste trackie was you know the you know what Lacoste is you know the brand yeah the little crocodile

16:36 so how do you think like people would come up to you and inspect your trackie and there was a way they would be able to tell whether your trackie was real now look at him

16:45 is it something to do with trying to scratch the crocodile off no go on count how many teeth the crocodile had oh

16:52 I knew I knew it was the crocodile pin him down pin him down get the fucking magnifying glass how many teeth was real

17:03 I think like four six or something ah you fucking five teeth nonsense yeah exactly but that was like the equivalent of

17:08 having three stripes on you do you know the strainers do you know what I mean you have to have the right amount of crackle out teeth

17:13 it's so true it's so true how much would you love if you I'd love a picture of him in the full Hugo Boss fucking cocaine dealer

17:23 I've probably got it somewhere oh god that would be beautiful just if that was your profile picture for one day i've definitely got a picture of me and me lacoste definitely remember getting my first adidas shell suit and thinking i was a fucking ball telly's a wool sometimes can't you no shell suit was scouse as fuck just before that's a tracky tell no it was called a shell suit was scouse as fuck just before our time. It's a trackie. No, it was called a shell suit, wasn't it? Yeah, but I've never used that term in my life. You've never bought one? Yeah, the only thing is with trackies,

17:52 everyone had trackies and trackie bottoms, but they did get called shell suits because they were a different feel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you say trackie, you mean like this, don't you? No, no, no. When I mean trackie, I mean like that. So what do you mean by a shell suit?

18:05 Shell suits came out and they were this weird, like, papery fucking material. That's why they got called shell suits. Right, okay. That's a tracky. Like, mate, I've got some pictures for you. But this is tracky as well, isn't it? If you had a pair of pants in this, that's a tracky. Tracky bottoms.

18:19 Tracky bottoms, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like, tracky in my head is track suit. Yeah. So that literally is a tracksuit yeah when shell suits came out the fucking

18:29 it was around like World Cup 1990 where England oh that fucking kit is still one of my favourites ever how old were you then you weren't born

18:38 yeah I get it the fucking tell us about it granddad Daniel oh it's a different time Peter Shilton was in code

18:48 Mark send it back you were super young then no you were like year 9 or something I was 28 28

18:57 love gonna move I love that fucking that was my first memory of that world cup and this sounds like I'm trying to link it back, but it absolutely is not bullshit.

19:08 My first memory of that World Cup is Cameroon. I think they played Argentina in the opening game in the San Siro. I cannot remember football before this. I think maybe I've got some weird memories of like the 1989 Cup final, which I think was Everton-Liverpool. Was that 87? I've got some blurry memories but my actual first memory is maradona's argentina in the san siro which is inter and ac san siro playing uh cameroon and they had a lad called roger miller and he did the fucking little dance like if i won money and you know you're talking about like what you do

19:44 with money and people like like I'm buying property I would go on eBay and start buying fucking bare 1990 World Cup Adidas kits and I think that's why I'm an Adidas man that fucking Adidas Argentina kit

19:55 was so cool I love all that the Adidas Holland kit from two years before do you know the last World Cup when was the last World Cup two years ago

20:04 two years ago. Me and him went to London, right? Russia, all fair and above board. So he bought, you know, the last Nigeria kit. Do you remember the hype about it? Yes, cool. So he got it from some black website, didn't you? What's it called?

20:20 DHgate. Yeah, there's some website from China. You can get any footy kit for like seven quid. Yeah, and you see the adverts and for some reason it's slightly pixelated over the Nike logo. You're like, what's that on my laptop? It looks legit in person though, doesn't it? I mean, footy tops are dead cheap off there.

20:38 That kit was like, that top was so in demand. It was like 200 pound for the top, if you were lucky. And I got it, basically replica for seven quid. It was like a hipster. top if you were lucky and i got it basically replica for seven quid it was like a hipster yeah he's a bit hipster but he was wearing it as we were walking around london and i reckon we were there for two days weren't me yeah i reckon well into double figures in central london where as you all know no one fucking talks to anyone you look at the floor you get on the tube you open the paper you get off and you go home how many Nigerian

21:06 or black people just stopped you and were like can I get a selfie with you in that kit 10 to 15 we get 100 yards

21:15 down Oxford Road and some of them go oh my god I knew you were doing it I was getting excited because I knew he has got this shit on can I have a photo

21:23 with you oh my god I do not give a fuck this shirt on. Can I have a photo with you? Oh my God, I do not give a fuck about you in any way. I want a picture of a white man wearing this top. I am going to send it.

21:33 They were asking him where he got it from. I did an interview. Remember? Yeah. So how do you think Nigeria are going to do in the World Cup?

21:39 I'm sorry. Some black fella stopped him and was like, can we do an interview for my YouTube channel? Nigeria TV, we're just walking around the painless kid ever

21:47 that is so funny I fucking hated that World Cup I tried to boycott it why? because I fucking hate Russia I bet they were

21:57 fucking gutted I fucking hang on this fella this fella's telling Nottingham's not on he hasn't got it on my mate Ben

22:03 thought it was the funniest thing they are this isn't individual Russians this is that government This fella's telling you, Nottingham's not on. He hasn't got it on. My mate Ben thought it was the funniest thing. They are... This isn't individual Russians. This is that government and that horrible cunt that I've talked about. I'll just let you know, I'm still fully on board. Love you, don't hate me.

22:14 Nasty, cheating, homophobic, murderous, fucking rapt Vladimir Putin. Right? I hate him. Wow. Putin. Right? I hate him. Wow.

22:30 They've literally just tried to poison the fucking, what's he called? The opposition leader. Allegedly. Right? They cheated all the way through the Sochi Olympics. Allegedly. Yes, good. We do very well at ice skating. We've got fucking eight-year-olds like,

22:42 I'm going to do well for Mother Russia. Allegedly. Very fast Russian athlete. skate thing they've got fucking eight-year-olds like allegedly very very fast russian athlete and then and then we're like yeah so basically if you're gay in the street you get beaten the fuck you get the shit kicked out of you you can't marry you've got no rights the democracy's all over the shop let's give them a world cup fucking brilliant idea i hated it i'm dead i was dead against it what's your face for the next one's in qatar i'm not i'm not watching that shit either but i tell you what this is the first time i've tried to take an even remotely political stance with football and that's the world cup where england are fucking tremendous so i was like i'm not watching it not watching it semi-finals i started

23:20 watching the semis and they lost so sorry sorry about that, everyone. That was partly my fault. Should have just kept to the boycott. So you're not going to watch any of the Qatar? What? No. Why? Because it's fucking horrible. I know it's horrible, but if you don't watch it,

23:35 doesn't that mean all the people who've died building the stadiums have died for nothing? Oh, yes, you're so right. You're so right. Well, listen, I joined the Nazi party because I didn't want the Holocaust to be in vain fucking

23:48 good thinking good thinking there's no context have a word FIFA FIFA are the dirtiest horribleest cunts

23:57 they're for sale and and when everyone gets there and it's gotta be in winter cause we've sold the World Cup to somewhere that's

24:04 batshit warm in June and July, and you're like, oh, no, it's fucking weird. I've got my Christmas due on Tuesday. It's the semi-finals. I've got to finish my... How mentally is it going to be going? I've got to finish the Christmas shopping. The World Cup finals on fucking the 24th.

24:19 Disgusting. Who's in the semis? Well, it's China versus... It's China versus Russia It's China versus Russia versus the China B team versus Shell BP. What the fuck? I hate it.

24:33 I can't wait, mate. Hi, Vlad. How you doing, mate? I really went in hard there. See, I hate international footy because it breaks up the Premier League season. And I hate the friendlies and I hate the qualifiers.

24:45 The World Cup's sick. I don't boycott anything, though. Like, I know I should, but it's just effort, innit? I boycott the sun and that's it. Yeah, to be fair, though, that did time well with me getting a bit pissed off with watching England after 25 years of being like, meh.

25:00 It wasn't just Russia. I was getting a bit sick. Like, if the NFL got sponsored by fucking Voldemort, I'd be like, well, do you know what I mean? It's very entertaining. I was like, it is partly because I was getting pissed off with it, but I'm not into Qatar. So when you were a kid, did you wear labels and shit?

25:19 Yeah, I had my shell suits. What was it? Adidas, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I used to get all sorts of them because my auntie would sell these T-shirts for like 10, 12 quid and I'd get them for like a bit of discount.

25:30 Where was she getting them from? A man. A man. His name was John. Your mum or your nan? My auntie. Your auntie. My dad's sister.

25:41 My auntie Maisie. Now. My auntie Carol did it as well and there was a bit of beef between both of them because they were like rivals in the illegal shirt game. I'm just going to be very careful. I'm just going to be very careful.

25:51 Okay. Because I know where a lot of our listenership is and I've got a lot of love for anyone with a purple bin. But not everyone's auntie had a connection with stolen counterfeit property.

26:03 Oh, of course, because then my auntie wouldn't be able to sell all these T-shirts. If everyone's auntie did that. What, so she was the only one in Liverpool doing it? There was two in Dovecote and they were both my aunties. Carl and Maisie. Right.

26:14 Yeah. That's like really homely. Like, come on, gather round. Yeah. They sold fake ciggies. It's a family birthday. Move the boxes. Fake ciggies, fake DVDs.

26:24 But then I took over the DVD games they were like let's leave that they passed it on to me family business and all but then they kept selling the

26:30 like you get trackies you'd get t-shirts but you get them like super cheap like I did this for like six quid t-shirt yeah is that what

26:38 you got for every present like he's asked for a Skeletrix can't do fucking Skeletrix but I can do a lovely fucking look at I can do a lovely fucking

26:45 look at that fake watches that's a lovely watch that like shoe blot they do Siggy runs to France and Spain come back with a load of them

26:53 I did I know you want a fucking mountain bike but I have 200 embassy I do fucking hell you are an embassy lad no look

27:04 hey Maisie! Get the regal king size out! Yeah? It'd be three quid for a pack of 20. Or 250 if you're a family. What? Three quid for a pack of 20? Yeah.

27:17 Or £2.50 if you're a family. If you're in your family? Yeah. I thought you meant, like, you're doing family cigs. How rough was Dovecart? Right, honestly, we're going to Chipay and then we're doing family cigs how rough was Dovecot right honestly we're going to Chipie

27:28 and then we're doing the family fag run what's the baby on super king lights not an animal Jesus Christ yeah

27:36 you get the do you know what's really funny this is 100% true as well and I hate like leaning into any scouse stereotypes but a few years ago

27:45 that's so common in Liverpool that someone sells like jarg fake gear right around Christmas

27:51 jarg wow what does that mean fake jarg yeah jarg it's jarg jarg

27:58 do you know the history linguist do you know jargon maybe like jargon alright cool like bullshit

28:05 let's bullshit that I like it jargon either yeah but it's so common and like around Christmas time if you walk around with people sitting

28:13 in your hands doing a bit of shopping you'll get stopped by people on the street sometimes going do you want to buy any stuff I've got t-shirts I'm not lying am I

28:19 no no it's robbed as well though well that's what one lad said to me he stopped me he went do you want to buy any of these t-shirts I don't think so lad and he went though. Well, that's what one lad said to me. He stopped me. He went, do you want to buy any of these T-shirts, lad? And I went, I don't think so, lad.

28:26 And he went, don't worry, lad. It's not jag. Genuinely robbed. Oh, that's fucking great. Don't fucking you dare look at me. This isn't fucking jag shit. Fucking nick these meself. I'm a fucking thief and I'm proud

28:45 I'm not a fucking rat I wouldn't rip anyone off I'd steal from I'd fucking rip you off lad Walk around the corner there's a fucking lad crying I'd fucking nick them off him What am I?

29:01 I've got fucking morals So funny It's so true What am I? I've got fucking models. So funny. It's so true. Fucking camo, eh? Ruiners. Anyway, that was fun. I honestly... I've done a fart there, by the way,

29:16 and I apologise because it's absolutely destructive. Oh, come on. I'm sorry. Come on. How have you not done that till this point what do you mean you've not been very Trumpy

29:27 is that out of respect well sometimes I do it but I like lean like you'll see if you watch the videos I let it go that way so it just disappears

29:35 off into the well it just stage left you give it a bit of a push don't you so it's it's trying to go that way you know what I mean

29:43 it's forced but then it just popped out and I've just smelled. I've had a lot of cheese this week. We've just been to Nando's. We had a bit of perronnays. A lot of cheese, lad. I had a bit of perronnays and it doesn't really agree with me. And I'm really sorry, but it's absolutely potent.

29:59 Right, let's have a break. And I'm just going to have a little walk outside and a word with Jesus. Oh, that's more offensive than camo. We're having a break. What's happening, lids? Today's sponsor is Beer 52. Beer 52 is the UK's most

30:17 popular craft beer discovery club. If you're into your beers, your ales, your stouts, Beer 52 is the place for you. They've teamed up with Have A Word, this podcast, baby, to give our listeners a free case of eight beers. You will get eight beers, an award-winning beer magazine, and a tasty snack. You just pay the £5.95 postage. You can pause or cancel your membership to this Discovery Club at any time.

30:40 But until you do that, they're going to keep sending you beers. They're going to send you a different theme every month. Previous themes have included Germany, California, Belgium, Korea, New Zealand, South Africa, and many, many more. Every month, you'll get a new theme of beers sent to your house. And I'm telling you right now, I signed up for this a few months ago myself, and I ain't been cancelling anything. I'm still tippling away. Just go to beer52.com slash word and claim your free case now. That's B-E-E-R 52.com slash W-O-R-D. Do it now, baby.

31:12 Please, go get yourself some free stuff on us. Don't forget to watch our very funny podcast videos on YouTube. You can subscribe at youtube.com forward slash have a word pod. I love how he said not football based then we made that bit

31:30 that didn't need to be football based dead football based well to be fair it was sports brands wasn't it it was good I'm always thinking

31:37 about stuff like Jilly Bean in Texas becomes my would she get it enough and that was all sports brands people know sports brands she probably knows more about

31:50 Liverpool culture I would love it if Texas Julie Bean has ever just walked around Houston and someone acts like a Bella and she's like oh my god what a lid do you know what's happening now that he's back with me because we're spending a lot of time together I'm getting more scouts

32:05 but also I'm becoming more of a knobhead again yeah yeah true like I'm a knobhead around him yeah

32:12 yeah but you're our knobhead we've been for something to eat today took him to the dentist he smashed him he was a very brave boy he got a sticker

32:21 and everything we were singing in the car doing some oh I can't believe I've never told you this on the podcast because right okay very brave boy you got a sticker and everything um we were singing in the car doing some uh oh i can't believe i've never told you this on the podcast because right okay so if you're a long time listener or viewer of this you'll know that i'm partial to doing an impression right now obviously i do it because it's funny because some of them i'm good at some of them i'm really shit at and it makes for funny content some of them you'm really shit at, and it makes for funny content. Some of them you're really good at.

32:47 But one of them you're good at. Genuinely, I'm really... I knew he was going to laugh, and I can't get through it. You can ask him. I am brilliant. Like, singing impressions. brilliant at like singing impressions do you know what i mean like right yeah yeah to do a copy of a band or yeah yeah how they sing like i haven't got a good voice unless i'm trying to do someone else's and

33:19 then i get it okay Okay. Anyway, anyway, we'll, we'll get on with the pod. His confidence is so fun to watch and work with. Do you know what? His dad might not have been able to do the wallpaper in. He was like,

33:38 ah, lad, we'll do it ourselves. Look around this fucking studio. How would we have done it? Him trumping like sorry lad older ladder i've had cheese the chat's a lot of shit but as much as it pains me he is actually quite good right now who've you got anyone oh no no no no, listen. This is your tryout. I'm giving you an open spot.

34:07 Anyone, do your best 10. Wow me. Who are we doing on the way here? Mark Morrison. Return of the Mark. I can't do it with his face. Let me just lower that. He's trying to read what's coming up and concentrate.

34:27 It's so funny. I'm not trying to read anything. Go on, go on, go on. I just want you to totally focus for this. It's all... He's gone now. I'm not coming back, you know. You liar. No, he's good. Let him do it. I'm not coming back, you know. Yalla.

34:48 No, he's good. Let him do it. I'm trying to let him do it. He got to the second syllable. Yalla. But please, when you get, listen, just a little bit direction, really lean into.

35:04 I love that bit. It's my favourite bit of the song. Ready? Ladies and gents. Stop it! I'm not going to get it out. You lied to me. And I know you said you never would. It's Nelson Mandela!

35:18 You're doing a singing Nelson. I want to live in a... I'm actually really good at this and you're ruining it. You lied to me It's Free Mac Marissa I want to live in a free South Africa

35:36 You lied to me But I do do do Give me another one Because I've lost that one now Who's got a distinctive voice? Who's got a Who's got a Sean Paul

35:50 Sean Paul Sean Paul Come on Sean Paul Can I do it in time? I want to be keeping you all. Can I do it right? Sean Paul has never sounded more like... Can I do one pound fish? Mate, you nearly were.

36:12 A chanapala. A chanapala. In a Bombay. In a Mumbai. Come on, ladies. Come on, ladies. Do the fish. One pound fish.

36:21 One pound fish. Have a look. One pound fish. Six foot five, man. One pound fish one pound fish have I ever looked one pound fish six forty five one pound fish I am really glad we didn't start the pod with this

36:38 because this should have been too much mayhem we needed to talk about fucking feeler tracksuits before we built it

36:44 who else is it all people from a different ethnicity mayhem. We needed to talk about fucking Fila tracksuits before we built up to... Who else? Is it all people from a different ethnicity? Who was the first one? Mark Morrison, is it? What's he? Are you kidding? No! Is he black?

36:59 Yeah! I've only ever heard him. Did you not know Mark Morrison? Have you never seen me? You lied to me If I know you're such a nefer Would you lie to me? Wow Yeah

37:14 That's good But I do do do Return to me Who else was I doing before? Ja Rule Ja Rule Every Just everyone Jarul Jarul Everyone Even Jarul

37:35 Baby I love it when I kiss you Your kiss Your smile That was a hate crime that one Actually that's not legal What? Do I do

37:53 He doesn't He doesn't Does he sing the chorus? Ja Rule Or does he rap? He's going In the back isn't he? Do I do It's a That chorus, Ja Rule, or does he rap? No, he's going... In the back, isn't he? Do I do...

38:07 That's not Ja Rule. That's not Ja Rule. He's literally singing the chorus that Ja Rule doesn't sing. Yeah, but that's just to give me the time. In Ja Rule's voice. Yeah, because I imagine he mouths along. Baby, it's just another day, what are we, 119? Will Smith Are we just going to do

38:29 All of the shit R&B hip hop stars From That's what we've been Listening to on the way Over the lad isn't it What have you had on R&B bangers

38:36 Destiny's Child Ja Rule It's harder for me To do female Is it Yeah Well you wouldn't want To drop your standards

38:44 Would you It's Mark Madison Fucking black Usher harder for me to do female is it yeah oh well you wouldn't want to drop your standards would you usher we have a lot of usher on oh jesus christ then it's gone bad for me to say this i was nailing this in the car wasn't i tell him Tell him. It was fantastic on the way. It's got a birth for me to say this. It's come from my heart. It's been a long time coming in the Vietnam War. What about Nelly? I really want to work this out. I don't think you're going to change. I do what you've done.

39:15 It's because I'm a way. One of the leading comedians in UK comedy right now. But if he's in a certain mood doing this podcast, it's like doing care. All right, I do. Do you like singing?

39:31 I do like singing. You be Kelly Rowlands. I'll be Nelly. Okay. Kelly, I love you. I need you. Nelly, I love you. I do.

39:44 Carl, you're an love you I do Carl you're an enabler Carl's just there going lovely voice no but because he knows I'm good at it and you're just putting me off

39:52 right right right you know what I mean sending you suggestions of artists you'd like Adam to emulate well

40:00 your sex is on fire wow beautiful Tom Jones Oh, your sex is on fire. Wow. Beautiful. Tom Jones. Can you... Sex bomb, sex bomb. You're my sex bomb. Sex bomb, sex bomb.

40:23 You're my sex bomb. Oh, fucking Vic and Bob. Oh fucking Vic and Bob Vic Reeves Doing those songs Was so good Right send them in Have a word pod At gmail.com

40:38 Adam Is like a human Jukebox Phenomenal What have you got Last night Human jukebox. Phenomenal. What have you got? Last night. Shall I tell them?

40:54 So me and Carl had the same driving instructor. His name's John. I won't tell you the certain name because it's not fair. But he was fucking mental. Like he was... How old? Oh, like your age. Early 50s. No, he was.

41:11 You said your age. You're fucking pissing me off. I know that just happened accidentally, but I'm not happy about that. Don't team up on me. You're meant to be... You're meant to be like a... You're meant to be an independent adjudicator on this

41:25 yeah how old are you at age 50 that wasn't planned at all I remember sitting my first child down on my knee and saying it's the world cup 1990 so he was mental so genuinely

41:40 he had like all these little weird quirks so before he told you to do anything, he would say, Okay. Right? So he'd go, Okay. Now just interface there. Just put that interface. And his breath.

41:54 Where was he from? Liverpool? No. His breath stunk. Oh, dad breath. No, it was like he'd been chewing shit all afternoon. Yes, dad breath. Oh, so. Okay was like he'd been chewing shit all afternoon. Yeah, it's dad breath. Ugh.

42:05 So... Ooh! Key. And he had... By the way, so Carl was learning with him first, and Carl put me onto him, because he was like, should I get John, lad?

42:14 John's great. And then, like, three lessons in, I went to him. He did not breath, and he went, yeah, I don't know, but I want someone to talk about it with. That's beautifully done. And he also did it with his other mate, Alex. The exact same thing.

42:28 And all three of us learned with John. Right? Mental. So you passed it on to Alex. You're like, well, let's have a third person in the group chat. No, I didn't know. He'd done it with me and Alex at like the same time. Oh, I was sowing the cunty seed.

42:42 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's clever, isn't it? So, you know when you do your emergency stop? Yeah. Right? This is 100% true as well. So, he'd go, right, just there. Blast us.

42:54 That was his other favourite thing. Blast us down the road. You know, like a traffic light. It's a weird turn of phrase, innit? Yeah, he'd be like, right, you've got a queue behind you, dear. Oh, okay. So, you want to make sure you get off nice and quickly because these

43:06 you know these experienced drivers they might be getting somewhere so you don't want to be holding people up that's what people don't like ladies

43:11 for so you just want to like just blast us down the road as fast as you can like john i'm doing 30 it's a 30 no blast us keep blasting us down the

43:18 road come on me t's on it was fucking mental the emergency stop was the worst one wasn't it so

43:26 he'd go right so you want to just get up he takes like this country lane and he'd go you want to get yourself up to like 50, 60 miles an hour in here

43:33 and then as I tap me hand on the thing I want you to just stop the car hang on hang on he didn't mean you're doing an emergency stop

43:40 from 50, 60 miles an hour he fucking did oh he did you're meant to do I'm not even this sounds like I'm trying to do Oh, he did. You're meant to do an emergency... I'm not even... This sounds like I'm trying to do shtick. Emergency stops are just meant to be at, like,

43:50 a leisurely 30 miles an hour. This was a country road in Knowsley, wasn't it? He would put all the possessions and, like, a safe in the car, otherwise they would projectile. I'm not making... I swear to God, you can press that if you need to,

44:03 but this is not bullshit. Fuck me. So we'd go, right, you want to go to, like, 50, 60 miles an hour, I swear to God, you can press that if you need to, but this is not bullshit. Fuck. So we'd go, you want to go to like 50, 60 miles an hour, I will tap my hand on it, that's what I want you to bring the car to a sudden stop

44:11 as fast as you possibly can. Right? And the first time he did it, and he did this with all three of us, and we all independently told each other about it, because the first time you do an emergency stop, you don't do an emergency,

44:23 because you're scared, aren't you? You don't want to like send yourself through the fucking windscreen. So we stopped it quite quick and he'd go, okay, how do you think that went?

44:30 And we're like, John, I don't know mate because I've never done one before. With every single one of us because obviously the scenario with an emergency stop is,

44:38 I want you to just stop the car as if a child has passed out in front of the car and stepped off the curb and is in your way. He goes, so how do you think that went?

44:45 I said, I don't know, John. Never done this before. He goes, kid's dead. I love it how that, how do you think that went? They said, child dead. That's him. Put it in first. We're going to blast off from here.

45:00 That would be better though, wouldn't it? Because that's like, look, if you do that, you've killed a child and you don't want to do that. I'm trying to teach you stuff. Kid's dead. He'd do that with his hands. Kid's dead. You're happy.

45:11 Fucking dead kids everywhere. You've run over 10 kids and they're all dead. But he didn't shout. He just, yeah. Could you imagine if you were doing 55 miles an hour? He'd be like, What was the other thing I'll get out of here

45:28 oh you made a mistake so if you made a mistake while you were driving like a bad one like if you went from like like third into second instead of going into fourth

45:37 or something he'd go right you know what's going to happen on your driving test you do that the examiner is going to go pull over here i'm getting out

45:46 and he made out like it cost you like thousands of pounds to test like 70 quid or something isn't it and you have to wait like a week to do it again or like two weeks you have to do a few lessons before you can take it as again so it's like if you did on your test he's going to say to you just pull over here please mate because i'm getting out it's going to if you did on your test, he's going to say to you, just pull over here, please, mate, because I'm getting out. It's going to cost you, you know, sign me a check there for four or five grand. I'm going to get off. I'll see you in six months. Who's the test guy getting a fucking Uber with? It's four or five grand.

46:17 How did he work that one out? It's just to scare you. Yeah. Right. I'm getting out of here. You can wait for your driving instructor. I'm going to take this four and five I'm going to go on Holiday with her

46:26 It was fucking crazy And last night Carl found John's Driving skills Page On a website Where you can

46:37 Leave reviews Oh Jesus So like I'll say this Disclaimer They're now down They were up for 10 seconds in the screenshot.

46:46 It was just for us two. And also, we gave him five stars for everything. So, if anything, they were positive. We weren't, like, trying to ruin his business. We were just having a laugh. But, so, Carl was like, look, you can leave a review. So, I left a review, but in his name. Right.

46:58 So, what did I say? I'll read it out. So, from Carl Regler on his thing I was recommended John by his no no no not that one

47:10 the first one I did wait on that one so the first one I did which is the video I said blast us down the road slam on kids dead

47:20 I'm getting out of here that'll be 300 grand please see you in 25 years full name Carl Regler Carl's postcode and Carl's email right and he was like do you think that was fucking smart I'm getting out of here. That'll be 300 grand, please. See you in 25 years. Full name, Carl Regler. Carl's postcode and Carl's email. And he was like, do you think that was fucking smart?

47:30 What do you think I'm going to do back? So then he did one back, which was... The second one. It was amended, wasn't it? You said something like, he put it under Adam Rowe. So it said, John would always insist that I wear a helmet during lessons. He would also blast

47:47 Ja Rule for the entirety of the hour and rap along while shouting at women out the window. It's funny because of Ja Rule.

47:56 But, we would always go through the drive-thru at the end and he actually still owes me seven pound for that fillet-o-fish. So,

48:03 whenever you can get Ja Rule and a fillet-o of fish in a review, you know you're having a great day. We made sure we gave it five stars, but I was like, no, you need to leave it, because you can't delete them on this website. Once you've left the review, the review's there, but you can't edit them. Right.

48:16 So, he'd done that, but he'd put my email in. So, I had to go to my email to confirm, like, log in to confirm your review. So, I did. But then I edited it. So I left it at the photo which he put up, which is just a picture of Chris Akabusi smiling. That's the picture he used to accompany the review. And I just changed it to,

48:38 it's so subtle. I think this might be the funniest thing I've ever done. I was recommended John by his former student, Carl regler who has sadly since passed away and then i did the jar rule philato fish yeah on it and now so you think he's turning in he's like you're releasing you in a knobhead yeah yeah yeah like last night my bird tried to tell me about a book she's reading and I was just like This isn't fucking stupid enough for me I can't listen to it So basically You've gone from

49:07 Us being nonas On the podcast Now with Carl And then you're doing A sort of Like Have a word extra Constantly with Carl

49:16 In your life I literally said that To him in the car I went We're spending so much time together I feel like I'm always Doing the podcast I

49:24 One of my questions Just before you, I feel like I'm always doing the podcast. One of my questions just before you said, I was like, how's Jade? Is she alright? Because I'm getting it all out with him. I'm quite dull at home at the minute. I'm just a bore, I'm just like on my phone,

49:40 I just need to not use my brain for a bit, because I'm using it all day trying to ruin his life. That's how Jade likes you. Just sit there. Sit there and don't get angry about stuff. I lean into it though. I try to chat shit. Yeah. A lot.

49:49 Yeah. Yeah. With him? Yeah, I enjoy saying the stupidest thing possible in the most sincere voice to see how he reacts.

49:59 I wonder where you get that from, Adam. Like, what did I say tonight, Adam? We were listening to the Hamilton soundtrack. Oh, God. I was just fucking I say to you tonight, Adam? We were listening to the Hamilton soundtrack. Oh, God. I was just fucking obsessed with it. No, is he?

50:10 He makes me not want to watch it. Even though it's so popular and people go, it's incredible. I feel like going, oh, it's like when someone's like, oh, it's amazing. You're like,

50:19 even though I'm losing out by not watching Hamilton. Just watch it and stop being gimps. He's a fucking idiot, by the way. Do you know what he said? We were listening to Hamilton, one of the best musicals of all time, objectively.

50:32 This is about all musicals, though. And he went, the thing that annoys me about musicals is they could just say it. Can you make me a cup of tea? It's like, can I just say, I'm not just trying to be an antagonist. That is the critique of musicals that is the same as you going,

50:52 fucking modern arts bullshit. Just do a good painting. It's like, if you're into art, what you said about art that day, if you're into musicals, that's like, it's not the point. It's musical theatre. So this is the public episode,

51:05 so we should qualify that. On one of the Patreon episodes, which if you haven't signed up to Patreon yet, you are missing out because it's the best shit. Patreon.com slash have a word pod. Come and join the team. We were talking about Dan's into modern art, and I think it's wank.

51:21 So at some point, we're going to go to a modern art gallery and they're going to video me sort of reviewing it. And we might at some point in the next week or two, Carl might bring some pictures in of modern art or you might as well. And you want me to review it and we'll slide them in to the episode. If you want to listen to that episode

51:39 and get all the extras of being a patron, patreon.com slash have a word pod from as little as three pounds a month. Genuinely. So we've recorded a little ad there for this, but while it's come up, we might as well sort of plug it as well. The Patreon that we do,

51:55 you might have heard, if you listen to a lot of podcasts, or maybe you don't, maybe this is the only one you're into. Patreon is like a, you can become a paid member and you get like little extras. Now, a lot of the other podcasts in the UK

52:04 and even in America, they'll do like, oh, if can become a paid member and you get like little extras. Now, a lot of the other podcasts in the UK and even in America, they'll do like, oh, if you become a Patreon for five or ten pound a month, then you'll get a day's early access to the episodes and you'll get like a live Q&A on Instagram with us every month that no one else gets access to, some shit like that. Our Patreon starts at three quid. And from three quid a month month you get an extra episode every week that no one else ever gets

52:28 it's only on Patreon and you also get at least 24 hours early access to all these public ones so also it's like an hour an hour and a half of podcast we're not just knocking initially we were like

52:39 we'll just maybe do 45 minutes it's like an hour and 20 minutes an hour and a half it's a wonderful episode regularly yeah you get like direct access to us. The extra Patreon episode becomes, I mean,

52:49 it's intended to be a Q&A, but we're going off on so many tangents. We normally get through four or five questions an episode if we're lucky. You get a direct line to us to answer questions. If you're not on Patreon with us yet,

53:01 you really are missing out. Go and look at our Twitter. Every tweet we get about Patreon is always the best one of the week. Patreon.com slash have a weird pod. You get an extra episode every week. You get 24 to 48 hours early access to the public episodes.

53:13 You get discounts on merch. You get access to live gigs we're doing before anyone else does. So even if it's not a have a weird event, if me and Dan are doing a stand-up gig somewhere, we let our Patreons know before we let the public know. It's like a priority thing. It's a fucking proper inside members club,

53:29 and you'll love it if you sign up. Shall we do the competition for the hoodie while we're here, while we're doing a little bit of all business? I think so. So a lot of people have been commenting because me and Dan have got these orange hoodies. Now, if you've been onto haveawaredpod.com, you will have noticed that

53:46 you can buy some merch you can buy a hoodie, you can buy a t-shirt we have a mug, we've got some other stuff coming soon we're dead excited about it, it's going to be really cool but we only made three of these orange hoodies there's only the one I've got the one Dan's got and one spare and for a while

54:01 we've been trying to figure out a way to give away the uh you're modelling it yeah it made me want to stop doing that I did the tit jiggle and I thought you were going to be like oh that's awful and you were like yeah yeah you're never going to creep me out

54:17 we're trying to figure out a way to give away like a competition or something so now that we're trying to get into the youtube market and we want to grow the youtube channel because it gives us so many possibilities when we get a lot of subscribers on youtube what we want to do is we're going to run a little competition where you can win the third and final orange hoodie so at the minute it's it's one of three i've got the other one dan's got the other one. Carl hasn't even got one.

54:46 Maybe we'll get him one in a few weeks. But the... Oh, no. Maybe not. We're going to do a little competition. Do you remember what it is? Yeah. We are going to ask everyone if you could go on YouTube, subscribe, ring the bell,

55:02 take a screenshot of that, but then also ask a friend to do it prove it you need two screenshots and if you send that in to have a word pod at gmail.com no tweet either email it or tweet us it um yeah so that's what you need to do you need to go to youtube.com slash have a weird pod you need to subscribe to our YouTube channel you need to ring the bell on the YouTube channel. All that ringing the bell does, it means when we put a video up, you'll get a little notification on your phone or to your email going, there's a new video from Have A Word.

55:33 Subscribe, ring the bell. Oh, me pen's gone. And text one of your mates going, hey, you should really get into this podcast. Basically, we're looking for a way to grow the channel. We're doing this competition because we want more subscribers and more people ringing the bell. And if you all do this, then not only will you win, we're going to put everyone in a hat.

55:49 We'll pick one winner who wins the Orange Hoodie. And also on top of that, you'll be given two free tickets to any show you ever want to come to. So let's say I'm doing a tour show in Liverpool. You can come to that show. If we're doing a big Have A Weird show, you can do that. If Dan's doing a big tour show somewhere, you can come to that show. If we're doing a big Have A Word show, you can do that. If Dan's doing a big tour show somewhere, you can go to that.

56:06 You can pick two tickets to any show involving me, Dan, or both of us, whenever you want, as well as the orange hoodie. How about that? Subscribe, ring the bell, and tell a mate to do the same. Send us those screenshots on Twitter

56:19 or to haveawordpod at gmail.com. You'll go in the hat, and in two weeks' time, we'll draw the name out the hat. And there'll be a second prize of a lovely pair of Lonsdale trainers. That's if you come last. Second is last, isn't it? Yeah.

56:35 I'd love to buy a pair of Lonsdale trainers. Oh, they've got to be the nonce shoes. You've got to buy a pair of Lonsdales that I get to customize. Oh yes. The live shows. I'm so looking forward to that first live show when i'm wearing my nonce shoes oh if you don't know what we're on about well it's all on there on podbean go and check your fucking app listen back we got fucking 80 episodes

56:57 of this bullshit should we um talk to a sponsor let's talk to a sponsor? Let's talk to a sponsor, and then we're going to come back with our guests, who today are Paul Machen and Chris Pajak from the Redmen TV, good mates of mine, they're dead funny, they're dead sound lads, and we're going to have a good laugh. If you are into the footy,

57:16 you'll already know them. It's not going to be a footy-heavy episode, so if you're not into your footy, don't be like, oh, I won't listen to the guest bit. It's going to be dead good. They'll be here in half an hour, and then we're going to come back. We're we're gonna film it and you'll see it in about

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59:00 Trans Alloy Wheels Limited. Get them on Facebook, Insta, online, the lot. Nice one, lads. Trans Alloy Wheels Limited. Get them on Facebook, Insta, online, the lot.

59:04 Nice one, Lids. I don't know about you, but I'm feeling triggered. It must be Havawad with Adam and Dave. I'm just going to do a fucking mic test like a pro. Oh, in case they broke

59:17 in the last 20 minutes. Test and test in one, two, three. Give us some volume, boys. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Havawad podcast. Oh, there we go.

59:25 Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Redmen TV. I'm Chris Paget. This is the Star 11 Prediction Show. It's Liverpool versus Arsenal in the Community Shield this Saturday. I'm not editing that out. Jesus Christ, that was good, wasn't it? How long have you been doing it? Because we are not... We're like...

59:37 I thought we had nine years. Fucking... I'm trying to think of things the same way. You sounded like a Liverpool Liverpoolian Like garage MC That got such a rhythm to it Like I was like Fucking hell he's spitting bars Thanks for coming in

59:52 We've got Paul and Chris here From the Redmen TV Now if you've been following me For a while You've probably Like a lot of my followers Have come from

59:59 Especially me footy followers Have come from doing your channel Sorry about that How long have you been doing your channel. Sorry about that. How long have you been doing the Redmen? 10 years. So the Redmen TV is a Liverpool Football Club fan channel. Yeah.

01:00:14 10 years. Yeah, 10 years on YouTube. It's like 13, I think, since I was like, Chris, I've got this hand-painted banner that we've done. Do you want to come and stand in the street? We're going to be doing this show soon. Do you want to take a photograph with it not really Paul but like we're here

01:00:26 and we've got it and you've made your wife make the banner yeah yeah yeah so yeah it's been it's been an idea for about 13 or 14 years but it's been on YouTube

01:00:33 we've been actively making content for a decade which is imagine if we get a decade in that's what we said the other day we want to do 10 years it won't be like

01:00:40 failure with numbers one someone will have been like assaulted or murdered that's how it'll be won't it it'll be like a fucking what. Someone will have been assaulted or murdered. That's how it'll be, won't it? It'll be like a fucking... What are you planning? It'll be one nonce too many.

01:00:50 It'll be death by passive aggression. No, but he doesn't function like that. He goes, no, you're fucking wrong, you lid. And you're like, ah-ha. We've had that conversation a lot because we've both tried to start podcasts with other comedians in the past and we won't mention any names but it gets a little bit because comedy is such a singular

01:01:10 solo thing like when you're involved with someone else it gets a little bit i'm not sure we should do it that i think i was just thinking like let's not say no but like let's just have a look at other it gets a little bit passive like that i can't i don't function like that so if he does something or goes we're gonna do this and i think it's shit i go i don't think that's gonna work you know i think that's shite what about this instead and i get annoyed because i think the subtext so i'm like you know what he said that and i'm just fucking i just really feel like and then you read it again you're like oh he's just told me what he wants like it's almost i'm just used to a my wife and then also bitchy mates in comedy and adam's just like no i said that i don't like that and i like that it's really simple there's something admirable and horrible about people like you

01:01:54 is this rude is this efficient and rude i i know to be more delicate with people like in general certainly in real life. But, like, with people who know me well, like him and me, I'm like, no, we're not doing that. I hate it. So why would we? That's like love on the spectrum

01:02:13 or one of those dating shows where someone's, like, on the spectrum. Like, I know now to read emotions from people's faces. I do think that there's a bit of autism going on somewhere. You're struggling with the masks what do you mean

01:02:25 just hiding everyone's emotions I can't wear them I can't wear them so have I offended someone did they need to file there's no way of you knowing anymore

01:02:34 is there oh is that what you were saying like I'm struggling with people's no I don't care I don't know no one has trouble with that he's got very expressive eyebrows you've got to though

01:02:44 haven't you i i'm a natural i like i like smiling i like you know i like i like to have interaction with people you hate it you know i hate the general public but i love it like and i and i it annoys me that i'm like it hurts to try and convey that you're pleased with what someone's done for you now gonna make sure it's all in the eyes these days. But the scowl, the scowl of like, what the fuck are you doing? It's the same eyes as, oh, that's really funny.

01:03:09 So when you, you know, they were vastly different. You know, I don't think you've ever seen your face do both. I think that's a cum face. Just, just what it looked like I'm being racist in chat like.

01:03:20 Do you have like a cum face? You mentioned that was your cum face. Do you know like what your face does? I wasn't ready for that left turn. I know like we were doing that and then all of a sudden, do I have a cum face? He said that was a cum face

01:03:31 and then I don't think I've ever asked you that question. Do you like, are you conscious of what you're doing? I'm just so grateful. That's still fucking amazing. Thanks, darling. You should follow with a thumbs up.

01:03:40 Ah, the 2019 bunk. Yeah, no, I don't know. I've never, who's taking a selfie at that point let's make some porn why is the camera on you dad everyone's had sex in front of a mirror yeah have your eyes open at the moment of i know me toes kill i'll fucking tell you that for free like beetles like beetles like a crab wicked witch of the west. Have you got a mirror next to your bed? I know I've only just met you. Yes.

01:04:10 For drinking? Not for shagging. It's for, I think it's for air to get a face ready. But you clock yourself. Well, there have been times you can't help it. Have you not got a mirror in the bedroom?

01:04:20 Yeah, we've got one on the ceiling. So my wife can see my fat, hairy back. You've said that like I'm the dickhead though. We've got one on the ceiling so my wife can see my fat hairy back you've said that like i'm the dickhead though we've got you got a minute in the bedroom everyone's got a mirror in the bedroom what are you saying no i mean you're not a fucking vampire like you can't see yourself anyway all right hang on when you say mirror for shagging in my head it's one of them fucking eyes wide shut things it's the side of the room someone said mirror for shagging in my head it's one of them fucking eyes wide shut things it's the side of the room someone said mirror for shagging no one said mirror for shagging no one said

01:04:49 the mirror's there for shagging that was literally in your head you can position it such that you can you know dry your hair and put your face on and also for yourself during intercourse then just one of those face ones tilt like a little just trying to get an angle we're making it sound like jay i'm a little weak like yeah i don't want to see anyone shagging see we've got a mirror and i tell you what right here's what it does for your ego it really does just chop you down a bit because like when you are shagging and you catch a little glimpse because when you know it's there like when you're getting into it you're not thinking there's a mirror there but then like out your peripheral

01:05:26 or something you'll catch oh there's a mirror you can't know there's a mirror there and not have a look you just can't right

01:05:32 so like if you've ever filmed yourself having sex which I've done on very very very few occasions it's from one angle innit

01:05:38 what have you never what how is she never talked about this how have you never talked about that have you never made a little home is she never going to talk about this? Have you never talked about that? Have you never made a little home?

01:05:49 I thought that was what the Patreon was. Us banging on that couch. We wiped it down. In your head, you are a porn star, aren't you? Do you know what I mean? Like when you're going on it. You know like last week when you were talking about your threesome and you said like you were giving it death from behind. Like in your head, you were like an absolute god.

01:06:07 And if you looked in that mirror, I'm telling you right now, you'd feel a lot different about what happened that afternoon. Can I give you a good example of that? It's like playing footy. And we had a couple of games on YouTube. So we played some of the big YouTube football sides and I was in goal.

01:06:21 And I made a couple of good saves in there. I remember people saying, that was amazing. What is it? And in the pub, it's couple of good saves in there and I remember people saying that was amazing what is it and in the pub it's amazing people go oh you remember it differently

01:06:28 and I was like don't get too hyped up about it because when you watch it back it's not going to look that impressive because when you're

01:06:33 in it and you do a good moment in footy you feel like you are a professional footballer and I remember a mate of mine

01:06:40 he played at school level and was okay but I remember reaching a point with playing and Amazing Man went you're never going to be

01:06:47 a footballer mate you're not going to be a footballer I was like what really but I can when you watch it back you're like

01:06:53 oh yeah that's not football I never want to see a video in your head you're fucking messy I never want to see a video of me attempting a step over like occasionally I'll do a step over and it works

01:07:01 you get past someone but you don't want to watch it because it will just like in real time it'll look slow motion won't it works, doesn't it? You get past someone, but you don't want to watch it because it will just, like, in real time, it'll look slow motion, won't it? So you've seen Neymar do so many step overs. When you do it, you're like, I'm pretty sure that was exactly the same.

01:07:13 Yeah, and the exact same as the video. Because I've seen, what's the guy with the big dick called? I've seen Carl in all the porn. Like, you know, you see him and you're like, it looks like what you think you do and you're there like you've got

01:07:26 the rhythm and that when in reality you just look like a sausage with a with a yeah yeah when I do a step over I look like somebody

01:07:33 who's a a 16 stone woman who's come out of town and her fucking tits are hanging about and she's fucking giving it all that that's me doing a step over

01:07:41 in footy yeah what do you look like when you're having sex the same really just without the bra it's a weird role play for your wife to ask for

01:07:50 like now this is what I'm into I want you to be a 16 stone woman with a Wilco's bag I want you to look like a failed trialist I want you to look

01:08:02 like you're basically a 40 year old alehouse centre-half who turned up at the pub the night before and said, I can play a bit, and then get dropped in, have a two-hours kip. Is that possible for you to do that? Yeah, yeah.

01:08:14 It's your natural game. No, no, the mirrors in the bedroom thing, if you've never thrown in a Patrick Bateman flexing whilst looking at yourself in the mirror, then you've just got to be human. I mean even me who is

01:08:28 egotistical cunt number one I think you're insane number two mate right also what he referenced

01:08:33 before was in 1999 I was 18 at that age I'd have done I'd have bonked in the mirror section of Ikea

01:08:41 I thought I was beautiful Phil Collins banging out like you know smash every fucking mirror not to see my jiggly fat fucking form oh god i'd be just never mind that if you're drunk though i've clocked it when you're drunk in the mirror and then you do look like an absolute superstar i can't recommend it enough like if you're gonna have a drink get

01:09:00 more mirrors in have you ever had a wank in front of the mirror? Inadvertently, like in a Holiday Inn, because one of their whole walls is mirrored, isn't it? And the first thing I do in a hotel is crack one out. It's the first thing you do. You have to mark your territory. I'm like a dog. So I just get in the bed completely naked.

01:09:21 I have me porn on full fucking volume. You can't do that at home. Even when she goes out for a walk or whatever, you've still got neighbours. It's a dangerous game, isn't it? You've still got neighbours. You might have left a window open in a hotel. Who the fuck gives,

01:09:30 who gives a shit who's in room 27 when you're in 28? I can't do it. I can't do it. I will shout. I shout and everything. I scream.

01:09:38 When you wank him. It's my time. I've fucking left. And I'm talking. I'm not even lying I've said it to him before this is like

01:09:47 four minutes after I've been given my keycard I've gone up in the lift I'm in the fucking room and I'm off to the races six minutes later I need to change

01:09:54 your room I've been late for gigs because I'm squeezing in me hotel christening got a ritual yeah and then you do

01:10:02 there's a big mirror and you have a look and you know what? Does it help? I can't wait if I have a word on tour. Just give me a room fucking miles away from him.

01:10:10 I do not want to be in room 27 of season 28. Would you like a joining room, sirs? Yeah, I'm going to give that one a miss, thanks.

01:10:16 And they have to come out of the room and there's like a really upset looking Scandinavian family that have come to see a Premier League game and little Hans is like,

01:10:23 why? Me and Carl went on a ludge to Berlin and we had like a wank rotor. You're sharing a room? Yeah. This is for you, mate. He'd made a wank rotor up in his head.

01:10:38 Whenever he goes to the toilet, I'm having a wank. He'd go, go ahead, go for a walk and I'd go for a little ten minute walk, come back, tag him out and then he'd go for a walk and I'd go for a little ten minute walk come back tag him out and then he'd go for a walk and I'd do my thing you don't want to tag me

01:10:48 hey your turn what lad come on I know you've got like a high five on the way I know you've got like

01:10:57 a public image to keep up but we're all mates yeah tell the truth did you think this would be the first ten minutes yeah actually I

01:11:03 I've heard the podcast before i'm surprised it took that long bit fucking pedestrian there oh god oh my god mirror fucking ceiling mirrors though that's a full that's another level of pedo in it that's like i can't ever look like no one looks good lay down like all your fat spilling out of the sides yeah do you know i mean like gravity's not doing you any favor the only one who looks good on the mirror is the one who's on top and you can't see that unless you've got an oled who's putting it up as well getting your dad around to get fucking put the i reckon that you can probably pay for installation i'm not trusting i don't think you need to get your dad up one of those ikea mirrors that's in three bits and it's got

01:11:41 like the adjoining bits and that was a fucking nightmare but i also know that if it falls down it's not gonna cut me in half right you know if you put that on the ceiling like there's no way i'd have to get someone to be fair it's even worse i'd have to get my mother-in-law because she does all my diy in the house you know honestly she does she does she's unreal um my mother-in-law my mother-in-law she's very helpful she's handy she's a plumber but you'd have to but you wouldn't I wouldn't trust myself to put a ceiling

01:12:09 mirror up Jesus Christ because you would you'd wake up and your wife's decapitated because you've not put the wall plugs in probably that sounds like

01:12:16 a schoolyard skipper for like adults your mother-in-law's a plumber your mum does your mother-in-law does your DIY is she really the

01:12:25 how does that how does that sit with you you're a modern man yeah yeah but in many ways therefore I'm not

01:12:31 because I'm making women do all my work for me yeah yeah but it's work traditionally kept back from them if anything you're liberating

01:12:38 yeah I think normally he's just playing on his playstation while all this is going on I've given him too much credit he's got the best people for the job you know what I mean

01:12:46 I've got my skills like talking about fussy talking about fussy absolutely yeah no therefore she's good at it she likes doing it I can't do flat pack my wife Laura

01:12:56 does the flat pack how can you fuck flat pack up though because of temper just temper you know like the Ikea furniture it all works

01:13:03 but if you fuck it up and punch it it's done so she's got the patience she's like all works but if you fuck it up and punch it it's done so she's got the patience she's like leave me be i'm doing it i'm taking a piss but jade my missus does everything in our house i give her the money and then i go away because i know if i try and help i'm a control freak so i'm either i'm either the foreman or i'm not helping right i mean either you're listening to me or i'm just not getting involved. And then every now and then she'll be like, can you come and give me a hand with this?

01:13:26 And I go up and the one little thing she needs help with, help me lift this, move that over there. I do that and then I go away again. And that's my little system

01:13:34 because I'm either doing everything or fuck all. Yeah. Having done a podcast with you before, I imagine you're not a load of fun doing flat pack. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

01:13:44 We're not building it together. Either you're building it or I'm building it. fun doing flat pack jesus christ yeah we're not building it together either you're building it or i'm never never build flat pack with a partner no ever stupid i mean my wife is brilliant like my again similar to bringing the mother-in-law into diy other members of our family bring her in to perform their flat pack oh really because she's boss at it but we've said we've come to a point we realise this it took us too long to realise this it's just like you're buying

01:14:07 a shelving unit and a fight that's what you're paying your money for you know that's what we're paying for here we go

01:14:14 wow it's just really cheap well that's what you're paying the extra money you're saving that by having a big massive phone

01:14:21 and then you've got a mental association like that's a nice sideboard yeah it is and you're a bitch. Like, it's all of the memories. Yeah, it's a permanent reminder.

01:14:28 Like, most arguments disappear, don't they? Because you don't have, like, an object dedicated to that fight. Yeah, we can't cook together either. In fact, I'm trying to think of things we can do. There's a win here, though. You get a flat-packed bed, you just have angry sex all the time.

01:14:42 Yeah. Yeah? Is that how it is? That's what happens to you, that how is that and i'm thinking about throwing our bed out to get one to be honest now it wasn't flat pack but now we should get one we buy loads of furniture shagging all the time four grand a month do you and laura eat similar things you said you can't cook together do you see like do you eat as a family do you have like we'd have an rt and this is what we're having or she goes where it'll be ready in 20 minutes and

01:15:04 that's my window to sort me out. And if we can make that work, then we eat together. But very rarely does she cook something that I'm into. Say like with Jade, because Jade like tries to be vegan slash veggie slash whatever she's deciding she can be arsed with this week. And I will occasionally go, I'm going to be nice. I'll make a vegan curry. Let's have a vegan curry instead.

01:15:25 But then most, even before she was vegg nice, I'll make a vegan curry. Let's have a vegan curry instead. But then most, even before she was veggie, we always struggled with this. Because like, she'll go, we should eat together tonight. I'm like, sound art,

01:15:32 well, do you want to make it? No, you make it. And then she'll like try and, it's the same thing. I'm cooking, and she's like trying to dictate to me.

01:15:40 Yeah. What? No, you need a bit less garlic in that bit. No, I don't like that much garlic. Well, then you fucking make the fucking dinner. Either I'm making it for you or you're making it for me

01:15:50 or we're making it together. And I could deal with that with cooking. I could be like, let's make it together and we'll both have an input. But you're not fucking backseat driving my carbonara. No, that's a classic comedian response. This is my fucking set. I'm putting it together.

01:16:04 Apart from when shut down re like a week into the lock down he keeps getting we keep getting comments on like the videos and like that because he keeps calling it the shutdown yeah yeah because we called our podcast the shutdown daily right yeah i did for six months you're gang and not bad the lock the lockdown daily but during that that's like you you went with the

01:16:28 Betamax option day like this is gonna take off this we're going with shutdown and everyone else went lockdown you're like

01:16:33 oh what are we doing we're dying on this hill we called it early we just got the wrong branding but that meal was alright sitting down

01:16:42 like it became more important because what the fuck else are you doing? You're going for a walk maybe at an eggy shop at Asda and then the family meal I quite enjoyed that

01:16:51 but when normal life is ticking over Yeah, no, we've been like that the whole time I gave up on the cooking in our house because it just wasn't worth it like my wife likes what she likes in food she's gotten loads better at it we both did Slimming Whale for a while and like because she got into the cooking and all that so we had loads more

01:17:07 agreements on it and it worked but she used to be very particular so it'd be like i you know when you get that you you you you cooked on your crisp properly when you want the you do for yourself but you also there's a little part of you that wants the satisfaction someone's sitting down and going oh that's lovely oh thanks very much if i did something that wasn't quite right i'd put it down and she'd be like i don't like that she's like you and i'd be like well fuck you let me just say if i came to your house or if if my missus made me dinner and i didn't like it i wouldn't be i'm not that much of a cunt i wouldn't be like put it in the bin I'm not like that like I will absolutely be like no babe this is lovely

01:17:47 I will play that totally I just mean if it's something I'm involved in I'm like I don't like doing it that way so I'll be up front I'm not like

01:17:54 no this fuck you peasant no no no no this is not good enough for Master Ro at all no but to back up

01:18:02 your girlfriend if I see you doing something wrong in the kitchen I'm fucking telling you like well then fuck off that's fucking wrong you know what I mean

01:18:10 you're just doing that wrong there's a right way and a fucking wrong way there isn't there is when you're classically French trained there is a fucking right way

01:18:16 and a wrong way are you classically French trained yes no I worked in Cafe Rouge for three months I'm not saying

01:18:24 I'm classically French trained. I'm saying I know how to put a baking tray in the oven. And I know I should have another glove on, Chris. But I'm happy to bare my hand if it means winning this argument. My ex-girlfriend used to put the garlic in last. And I'm like, well, that's just fucking stupid, love. You're putting the right amount of garlic in at the complete wrong time. And it's not going to taste right.

01:18:42 So I'm not going to let you get away with that. This is, to be fair, didn't you start like a cooking channel during shutdown shutdown yeah yeah did you start cooking though online yeah yeah yeah so so are you a good cook yeah i reasonably like reasonably weird weird channel so why is your mrs cooking at all if you're the good cook or is she a good cook as well? Well, apparently not because she's doing it wrong. She's all right. No, she's good at what she does well. Yeah.

01:19:13 She's got a few dishes there that are absolutely top. If you were on Come Dine With Me, what's your main course? Oh, that's a great question. We've never done that. What's your Come Dine With Me menu? Starter, main and dessert? Probably some like broad bean, prancetta, quail eggs,

01:19:27 salad starter. Oh my God. With like fucking braised lettuce or something. Didn't think they were going there, did you? I swear to God, he could be a,

01:19:36 he could be a garage MC. Just say that starter again. Give that a bit of a fucking beat. The fucking quail eggs is amazing. It's a beet. It's a beet Oud, oud, oud, oud. It's a B. It's a B.

01:19:48 Is this back to the porno? It's a B. Oud, oud, oud, oud. UK garage? That's the German garage. Unter, unter, unter, unter. Yeah, I love the garage. Say that again.

01:19:59 Broad bean, salad with pancetta, queer legs and braised lettuce. That's the starter? Yeah. Right, and then the main Somebody's off answer They can't go wrong With a fucking steak Can you

01:20:10 Like a proper Well done fucking T-bone Or something like that Rear by Something with a bit of fat None of this fillet shit What's your sides

01:20:17 Onion ring And chips Peppercorn sauce Dauphinoise Green beans Somewhat Dauphinoise Like the dolphin potatoes Creamy potatoes Onion rings and chips. Dolphin Noir. Peppercorn sauce. Dolphin Noir. Green beans. Somewhat Noir. Dolphineese.

01:20:26 Like the dolphin potatoes. Creamy potatoes, lad. You're literally making up words. Dolphineese? No, it's Dolphine Noir, but it looks like it's dolphin flavoured potatoes. Creamy potatoes. Yeah. Have you never had them before?

01:20:40 No. We had them at Paul Blair's wedding. And you know, at a wedding they like write on a little card what you're having and i said because i had a few drinks i was like it's dolphin potato like dolphinese potatoes and jade was like poor thing it's dolphin water potatoes it's wet potatoes the shite chips when you sit down at a wedding and you read the set menu you're like fucking loving them i actually really like them, but chips are better.

01:21:06 Right. I just don't get why people fuck with potatoes. They're so perfect already. I've only told you this before, like topped fries. When people get like topped fries in like a fucking hipster burger restaurant, I'm just like,

01:21:19 what are you fucking doing? Get all that shit on your main thing. Just have your chips, salt and pepper and vinegar, just normal. Not a fan of bacon-ees or nothing like that i i don't mind it but i want to dip it in or i'll have a little bit on the on the end i just i want my chips to be dry i i get dead irritated because fucking every restaurant undercooks chips like they just make them crispy like i don't want soggy fucking chips you know what i mean just put them in the fryer long enough that they're fucking cooked twice and then and then then i didn't even do that before put the

01:21:49 fucking mayo and ketchup on sand throw that fucking stuff on top i've just got a soggy fucking load of potatoes you know what though we nearly mentioned this before but then we did like a restart thing didn't we so what i've got beef with which they are crispy you know when you go to like a restart thing didn't we so what I've got beef with which they are crispy you know when you go to like a pub now have you seen like twice or three times cooked chips

01:22:09 have you seen there like a thing who the fuck's getting away with that that's a piss taker we used to do that when we'd fucking add chips that had

01:22:15 just been sat there for ages and you need to exactly and you just throw them back in the fryer my mum would avoid the chippy

01:22:21 for the first hour and a half of tea time because she's like if you go the first hour, you get the chips from lunchtime recooked because it was seen as shite and now it's like a delicacy. Stop slapping the table.

01:22:31 I'm pissed off. Adam's like playing the tug. All I can hear in their thing is like, fucking chips. All right, Adam. Have you got a bag of crisps, please? A medical bag of crisps. Hey.

01:22:42 What's your dessert? I need closure bread and butter pudding oh fucking hell that got more work in class as it went on by the way your starter was

01:22:51 proper Tory by the end you were like meh meh meh meh meh meh I'll start with the essence of quail eggs and dolphin jizz

01:23:00 what would yours be but it's got to be something you can cook oh no no I wouldn't. You should get a takeaway. Yeah, fucking just eat, mate. You know what I mean?

01:23:08 I'm like game changer that way. Here's a game changer. Just discover this. Have you got an active fry? The air fry things? That's just a fucking oven, mate. Right, okay. The active fry.

01:23:16 It's just a fucking... Yeah. You just bought a fucking small oven. Oh, yeah, but it does... Why are they cooking it with hot air? It does chips particularly well. But you know how oven chips are like aye

01:23:25 they're not great the active fry makes them better so we got an Indian takeaway you know when the chips are like it feels like they've

01:23:32 been in the bag for a fortnight they're like I'm so tired put them in the active fry for five minutes and you've got hot fucking

01:23:37 crisp chips with your Indian takeaway everyone's staring at me like I'm a knobhead I honestly this is how I

01:23:44 thought this was going to go I thought I was going to get a standing ovation I'm absolutely going all dolphin jizz he's like what the fuck I thought everyone's going to go

01:23:51 Dan you've changed the game and you're like who gives a shit no because you've got to take away which means you weren't prepared to cook and then done after cooking yourself it's a joke

01:23:57 I am massively food indifferent about all this it's like if I want something really nice you go somewhere to have something really nice other than that I like nice food I'd something really nice you go somewhere to have something really nice other than that

01:24:06 I like nice food I'd rather eat nice food I've had the choice but I don't care enough to cook it I haven't got the time to cook it it doesn't give me

01:24:13 nothing to cook it I've got no satisfaction of it so for me it's like I need to eat give me something that will

01:24:19 do that Carl who isn't mic'd up at the minute because for the first time we've got two guests in the studio I just want to

01:24:27 double check you lived in Japan for a year as our listeners know he's just come back like two weeks ago you didn't cook once did you

01:24:34 you didn't cook once in the whole year not once living on his own he said not once can't really hear alright okay he's basically saying no he was doing a fucking long winded version of no I'm about to die in the week, and then when I've got time... Can't really hear....I'll get those things out of the house. All right, okay.

01:24:45 He's basically saying no. He was doing a fucking long-winded version of no. Right. I love... I like cooking. I get, like, really stressed with it, but by the end of it, I feel really, like, satisfied. Like, making a roast dinner, I'm having the worst day of my life. Stop slapping the desk!

01:25:03 I'm having the worst day of my life. Stop slapping the desk! I'm having the worst day of my life. But by the end of it, like when you get the finished product of a roast dinner with a lamb as well, oh, it's amazing. It's worth the anxiety. And you put yours on, you actually did a YouTube channel

01:25:16 with your cooking. Yeah, yeah. It was a bit of a pain in the arse, to be honest with you, because it takes fucking ages. Just if you're cooking something and then you've got two kids coming in and poking you in the fucking side of the head while you're trying to cook something

01:25:27 and then you've got to edit it put it up you did do the the lockdown shutdown thing where people go this is the perfect opportunity for me to launch my new career i'm gonna be my youtube channel that i've been waiting so long to release my podcast the podcast that the world needed to see and then you after a while you're like oh my god it's a lot of work this is never like you've been fucking editing editing shit editing well yeah you have people to do that

01:25:49 normally we've been laughing a lot about those people because every comedian in the country has done exactly that so we started this in January

01:25:57 a few months before lockdown got a little bit of an audience going as lockdown's gone on we've grown it and then we've opened this and it's all gone well.

01:26:05 And at the start of lockdown, every comedian went, well, I'm going to be a YouTube podcaster, content creator person. So I'm going to spend a grand and a half on equipment right now. And now that gigs are coming back, you can just see like eBay listings of podcast mics and cameras. It's like when gyms reopen, it'll be back to that again, where people go out there and they buy the boss trainees and the boss training gear

01:26:27 and they're all this and they go and pay for the full year full year at the gym for the dickhead go for a run in your fucking school shoes first and see if you can do it

01:26:37 and if you can do that for a week go and get yourself some nice traps but that's the thing people forget that with YouTube and podcasts it's like

01:26:43 no I need to make it high quality. Nah, go and do it for a month. And if you still can be asked to do it after a month, then treat yourself with some good mics or treat yourself with some bits and pieces. Don't get a bank loan before you've done a pilot. Is that what you did? No, no, it's genuinely not.

01:27:01 We built, we actually, for the first time in my life, it's actually quite a sensible way of doing it. Did it gradually and then we've invested money back from the pod but i know people that just got that business to you know when everyone was getting help there was also the small businesses got a five ten grand loan and went yeah i'm gonna get all the equipment and you're like that's you're starting backwards it's too much pressure that's kind of to be fair that's kind of what we did with red men isn't it i mean you had the the experience and stuff and some of the equipment and then we were like right we've got 5 000 subscribers on youtube let's launch a page a paid service so i took a five grand loan out we built a website and 200 people signed up at two two pounds a month and

01:27:38 we went fuck what are we fucking doing here like this is fucking so we're getting about 350 quid a month great we've just sunk five grand into it and our fucking time and stuff we're like shit six years later you broke even so yeah there you go what year was this 2011 so before netflix did it the uk so no one knew what subscription services were no one was used to them so we were like oh we're ahead of the game blah blah blah I nicked all terms and conditions off fucking love film and I think these still might be love films terms and conditions

01:28:12 just copy and pasted find love film replace with Red Men TV people are still posting us DVDs back I don't know why yeah that's a good considering you're not

01:28:27 a comic that was a beautiful you just waited for the fucking gap and went pa pa that's a lovely that was Zidane

01:28:34 in the Champions League finally could see it coming all over yeah what's the arc of that one no it was it was mad yeah it was

01:28:41 we were lucky at the time with all that because no one did it but also no one was doing it so it wasn't oversaturated but no one was doing it so it was mad yeah it was we were lucky at the time with all that because no one did it but also no one was doing it so it wasn't oversaturated but no one was doing it so everyone was like

01:28:49 what the fuck are you doing I remember being in a wedding like the week it was like we poured all the money in Chris had been slaving on it we'd had this like web design company working on it

01:28:56 and the week before we were launching I went to a wedding with all my mates who I'd when I went to uni all the group of friends I had in Sheffield at the time I'd seen them

01:29:05 and they were like how's it going what are you up to I've got this I've got this website we were doing this YouTube channel for a year it's gone really well

01:29:09 we're launching the paywall and it was people going what seriously you're doing that and then literally people going hey hey have you heard what Scouse

01:29:19 come over here come and listen to what he's doing he's launching he's going to charge people to listen to him talk about football there's mates and they were going he's doing he's launching he's going to charge people to listen to him talk about football and they were going he's doing what and I heard like a gang

01:29:29 a crowd of people come around to be like what are you doing you fucking idiot and it's a British thing isn't it you're a dickhead it's a British thing

01:29:37 where you feel bad don't you you feel like oh god can I have people didn't understand people still don't it's less stigmatised.

01:29:45 No, it's not stigmatised so much. It's probably more stigmatised now, to be fair, because of influencers and all. Less derived and it's less, like, dismissed as a stupid thing. Yeah, you don't have to explain it in really simplistic terms. People know, like, your father-in-law knows what YouTube is now. You know what I mean? Like, your nan's more likely to have watched a video on YouTube

01:30:04 than 10 years ago when was the turning point when you were like even the club even Liverpool think we're proper when did you like clock it

01:30:13 where you were like oh we're getting credentials and we're getting a bit of acknowledgement from like when was the because you're like your subscribers

01:30:20 your followers it's a fucking massive thing like when was the point when you were like, oh, we're proper? I don't know. I don't know whether I've ever had it, to be honest with you. I think I'm still just having a laugh. Right.

01:30:32 But you have both interviewed Jürgen Klopp, like, recently. So that seems like, I mean, that seems more than having a laugh. He hasn't been in here yet, funnily enough. No, there is there's no I think people go into and it goes back to the conversation but it was kind of

01:30:49 turned on was I think people expect something to go and it'll blow up because they see it they see it all the time you'll see it with the comedy game and we'll see it more from outside

01:31:00 you only become aware of stand-up comics when they've got the first DVD out or they're on BBC where did this guy come from he's come from out of nowhere

01:31:07 John Bishop he's come from overnight 15 years on the circuit exactly and with that old saying it takes 10 years to become an overnight

01:31:13 sensation or whatever doesn't it and it's been a bit like that there's never been a moment where we've like oh we've cracked this because every time

01:31:20 you think you've cracked it you then turn over the video and there's someone calling you a fucking nonce for no reason. I wanted to ask you about this, right? So, I want to jump on you bringing it up

01:31:30 because it's been on my head since you got here. So, we purposefully, at the start of this podcast, made a very conscious decision to leave football out of it as much as possible. So, when Liverpool won the league, we essentially did a winning the league special where it was like, listen guys, Adam's going to talk about the footy today because he's still hungover slash pissed from last night.

01:31:50 It was only 20 minutes and then we got on with other stuff. Yeah, because I'm very aware, like I am a wind up on Twitter. I like doing it. It's funny to me. But because there's no way of expressing tone on Twitter and there's no way of doing it with comments or written stuff, people get really upset about Fussy. Like, really, really. And I find it funny, but it's also really nasty in it.

01:32:13 There's really nasty, abusive, horrible comments. And even though you don't go out your way to wind people up, you are a Liverpool fan channel, you'll make the odd comment because it's funny and it's part of your life how do you deal with the shit because I hate it and I can't

01:32:30 stop myself getting it because it's wired into me so be a wind up but how do you deal with like people just going are you fucking scouts horrible

01:32:37 country fucking dirty that's how fucking shoot you whatever well like do you know what I mean that's that stuff I don't mind that what you're

01:32:43 saying there like if someone's going you scouse this you scouse that when you're just like you're an idiot aren't you when you get generic abuse

01:32:51 people who think when you're like you're clearly 13 and you're not you're not you're not experienced enough to have learned how to

01:33:00 properly insult someone so it's like there's just generic things that get thrown your way and you see them and you just, you actually stop seeing them

01:33:08 after a while. I agree with you on that. The generic stuff, it just makes me laugh. It's a personal. The stuff that cuts you down for no reason and I'll be fair,

01:33:16 Chris gets it more than I do. Why? No, but just, we're sure we'll, you know, but there's probably reasons for it. I don't know. But yeah, it's just fucking, it is weird, reasons for it, I don't know, but, yeah,

01:33:25 it's just fucking, it is weird, it's horrible, and people don't get that, and it's to do with the culture of it, and I, I try to be forgiving of it as much as I can, because,

01:33:33 okay, the culture didn't exist when we were that age, but it did, because me and my cousin used to go onto internet chat rooms, into like, under specific topics, and I won't say them, because it's not weird bringing it up now,

01:33:43 but, you'd go in there, and you would try to get thrown out, so you'd just be offensive to people, and you'd be in their bed, and you won't say them, because it's not worth bringing up now, but you go in there, and you would try to get thrown out, so you'd just be offensive to people, and you'd be in our bed, and you'd get chucked out, or you'd get people riled up, and you'd get people going,

01:33:52 oh, and you'd be sat behind, they'd keep on laughing to each other, isn't this dead funny, because you're getting people to react to you, and you get chucked out, it's badge of honour, and you'd then go,

01:34:01 anyway, what are we doing, let's go carry on with our champ manager, save for another hour instead, or let's go to the shop and get a can of coke because it's not a

01:34:06 person is it it's an entity it's a non-existent people don't realise you're a natural person that exists now but now you've got

01:34:13 access to it that was random faceless people who were people but it was far more random and far more faceless now you can

01:34:20 because of twitter and facebook and youtube we've actively encouraged people to give their opinions. And so it's opened up this forum where every opinion's super valid because everyone's opinions are so precious and so amazing.

01:34:32 So if you fucking hate someone, you can now just tell them and you can spread hate messages and all that. And they're the ones that hurt when someone just seemingly fucking hates you for no reason whatsoever. back in the 90s if your ma or your dad hated like some celebrity like my dad with a visceral hate that i imagine is based in some sort of homophobia hated dale winton like he just hated dale winton but dale

01:35:00 winton never knew because my dad had no way of getting in touch with dale winton whereas these days dale winton would have found out several times that michael roe hates him but you could couldn't because you could he could have gone and found dale winton shouted at his house being a prick to him but no one does it in the real world they want to do it from the fucking couch don't they like oh i tell you hey if you take that away it never happened but people can just be like they can literally i've just finished this shit and i'm going to be a bell end to someone on twitter no most people aren't like adam most people wouldn't say it even in public you probably would be more inclined to say it in public i it's funny there's a saying i got taught

01:35:42 taught and it was random in working in pubs you pick up some amazing life advice but it was like if someone's got a problem a real problem with something they wouldn't tell you so if someone takes

01:35:51 the piss out of you for your haircut or for this and whatever it's just when banter used to be a light hearted not a really cringe worthy expression

01:35:59 if it was a real problem people wouldn't say it to you which sounds really counterintuitive in our world now because it's now that seems to be weirdly dishonest but someone had a real problem people wouldn't say it to you which sounds really counterintuitive in our world now yeah because it's now that seems to be weirdly dishonest but someone had a real problem you wouldn't you would never talk about it you wouldn't skit someone for something they couldn't control yeah whereas you would take the piss out of other things whereas that's what's happened the internet's allowed everyone to just be like i can just say loads of dead horrible things about

01:36:22 people at all at any given moment. It's the out of blueness of it. You can be having the best day in your life when we have it and it's hard when you've got kids I think it's even worse because

01:36:32 you're on your phone a lot. We're all on your phone and everyone's got it but you don't realize if you've not got like an active probably doesn't have

01:36:38 most people's social media experience is not this. It's just a thing for you to view. It's actually just a passive experience. It's just a window into something. It not back and forth you can be playing with your

01:36:48 kids and you'll pick your phone up and you might then get lost on twitter we all do it yeah but then you've just got some random person tagging you in and for me it's when someone says something inaccurate so they might call you out for something and say you're this you said this and you're horrible and i hate you and then tag it and then they're tagging other people in like they're trying to get you in oh yeah I can't let that lie I can't have people

01:37:09 be wrong particularly about me if they've got the wrong end of the stick I can't have missing people at any point in the day as well you could just be having

01:37:14 a lovely moment and you just check your phone and then not to go dark on it but my son said to me we were on holiday he's eight years old and he just

01:37:21 he got a bit upset and he was like you ignore you're always on you're always on your phone you've you want you pay attention to your phone more than you pay attention to me no honestly heartbreaking and i had to say to him right mate i promise you tomorrow no no swear to christ like i said to him like tomorrow it's me and you we're having a me and you day you won't see me phone tomorrow i promise promise. And that's even on a good day.

01:37:48 But there's a bad day when someone cuts you to the core with a nothing thing, because you're just not prepared for it. We can all take it. Being in a fight, we can all take a dig. But even a heavyweight, world-class heavyweight boxer, if you catch him with a fucking dig when he's not looking, you'll knock him spark out cold. And that's what you've got to deal with.

01:38:03 And that has the knock-on impact. Your life is the hardest part of that thing about like when someone says something inaccurate that is for me and we've spoke about this a couple of times I try not to talk about it because it's not funny

01:38:14 but that Mach-E's thing from the start of this year when I like didn't get into Mach-E's and it caused this made it because I've done like a stupid tweet the story that that has become, so what actually happened there was a 50-odd-year-old woman

01:38:28 who was pissed off at the end of her shift didn't give a shit that I was having a panic attack in the rain. That's what happened. The story has become Adam Rowe volleyed a 12-year-old who worked in Mackey's because he wouldn't give him a muck,

01:38:39 bloody five minutes. And I can do fuck all about it because if you go to people who are going, you're trying to get a fucking 16 year old sack because she wouldn't give you the McMuffin 10 minutes earlier you fat cunt

01:38:49 if you go well no actually I didn't do that because that's not you weren't even there I was there on my own and I was you can't do it

01:38:56 and that that's what drives me mad more than anything about that I had this last week in fact it was the build up to Liverpool's last game of the season and ITV went

01:39:03 come and do an interview for whatever Good Morning GMTV whatever the hell it game of the season and ITV went come and do an interview for whatever Good Morning GMTV whatever the hell it is in the morning show and I went yeah fine go up at 5 o'clock

01:39:10 in the morning go down to the docks go interview and the narrative was everyone's telling everyone to stay away from Anfield so you know just so it's not bad PR

01:39:17 for Liverpool the managers come out the captains come out the whole club it's a big push and they said to me you know what do you think about it

01:39:24 but it was led down the line of this is all basically a piece to just say you know be sensible and you know and and what have you and it got taken that i'd basically said like and i wanted i did it three times did it live i then did a post a post pre-recorded one for that and then i did another one on the guy's phone for social media and at the end of one of them I said something it was a slip of the tongue

01:39:49 like all real fans will be sat at home watching it on the telly anyway and then I was like and someone tweeted me and I sort of kicked off a little bit

01:39:58 because I was tagged in some of the posts and it died off as everything does everything moves on but some random lad this lad I got tagged in a tweet. And it's like, this lad said he hates Scousers or something.

01:40:10 And I was like, what? Right, can I just back up here a second? What? I thought, he must be talking about someone else who's tagged in. I went, sorry, what are you talking about? He said, you went on this video and said that you hate Scousers. I was like, and I thought,

01:40:22 no, you fucking didn't. I didn't. I didn't. In any way shape or form i'm also a fucking scouse you're the worst type of self-hating scouse but like but and i was like i do a bite of this because i need to put that straight because i can't have that being spread and then it come down like this lad was like and clearly this is some lad who pretends to be

01:40:45 Scouse because he it turns out he's from Witness as soon as he had it from Witness I let it go because he was arsed but you know

01:40:52 but they're the kind of things that you because you've got you come to a point where you've got you have to protect you know yourself and you don't want

01:40:58 fault in front of you we don't want to dive into it too much but you gave a Liverpool player a reading no I gave Naby Keita a fucking five much, but you gave a Liverpool player a rating. No, I gave Naby Keita a fucking five out of 10. We do a play rating show every week

01:41:10 where we give them ratings. Based on the game that's just been played. Based on the game that I've seen. So I go in there and I fucking, we've done a show for two and a half hours. We go straight into it, not thought about it, just fucking cameras rolling, blah, blah, blah. Give them a five out of 10.

01:41:23 I'm a racist. I'm like, what? But now it's a thing on twitter where people will literally say i'm nabikata two out of ten and i'm a racist to fucking loads and loads of people it's fucking crazy but i think everyone wants to be liked yeah that's the thing that's why it hurts yeah because everyone wants everyone to like them or to think they're funny or to think they're knowledgeable or whatever the fuck it is you can't so all you've got to do in answer to your question is go would i take advice off that person on twitter no then don't take the fucking abuse yeah that's exactly what i try and do and i also try and what what you say is like be forgiven with

01:41:58 it i or what i always do and i've had a few times i get it in me DMs. When it comes in me DMs, I reply, but I go dead nice. And I go, I don't think you know what really happened on the day you're talking about lads. So here's what happened. If you still want to date me after that, that sound. Every time I've had a conversation with someone like that, they've always gone, you seem like a really nice lad. And they always calm down. calm down and I always say to them sort of initially in like a I'm going overly nice and it's sort of like a little dig because I know it's going to get to them what I try and think is anyone who's sending someone abuse on the internet someone they don't know for something innocuous or

01:42:38 something that they don't really know the full story of they're not having a good time they're having a shit time at the minute they're unhappy they might be depressed and I always say something along the lines of I can understand you're probably a

01:42:49 really angry person at the minute I don't know what's going on in your life but I hope you get the help that you need and I feel like it just

01:42:54 like gives them a little shockwave and it just stops them no one really well rounded with a really happy home life a good career eating healthy

01:43:04 not drinking. No one who is, you know, Patrick Bateman flexing in front of a mirror with a super hot wife and a super hot body is taking the time

01:43:12 to DM Adam Rowe about his McDonald's. Babe, come back to bed. I'm not a second love. Fucking Rowe. The worst one I had was nothing to do with

01:43:22 what we've already spoke about was a fussy thing. I put a tweet about Lovren. He'd made an absolute catastrophic edit in a game. And I was like, it wasn't even like a slagging. On your show, when I can be in more context, and I'm clearly being jovial and joking, I'll go in a bit more on the players.

01:43:37 But it was like, Lovren's just not good enough for this team. You know, the sooner we get Gomez and Matipak, the better. Blah, blah, blah. It was really like one of the most innocuous he's had a bad game, that keeps happening, I don't know whether I've even told you or you about this, I got a proper death threat

01:43:54 like to my Facebook page so I'd done that on Twitter, right he'd found my Facebook fan page and he messaged me going, how dare you give any of these lads stick, they're all part of the squad if one of them fails, they all fail. You don't know who I am. I've just got out of a mental hospital

01:44:11 and I'm just looking for some cunt like you. And then he took a screenshot of my website with all my tour dates on it and he was like, I know where you're going to be on these dates. And I sent it to my agent. And I was like, what do we do? And she was like, look look it's an empty threat it absolutely is and you know it is

01:44:28 obviously looking back you go it obviously was it's just someone blowing off steam but she was like but we will let every tour venue know

01:44:34 like I'd sent her photos of the guy could you imagine Cardiff ladies and gents welcome out on stage comedian Adam Rowe first minute in

01:44:43 and all you hear from the back is, the fucking DJ! And then comes down the middle of the aisle. Oh, Jesus. I'd say that, yeah, honestly, there's just gangs of weirdos out there. The problem is, what social media has done, it goes back to the thing about the comments,

01:45:03 it's empowered knobheads, moronsons and just people that you should be look you you're you're some of your stand-up bit where you talk about this and so i don't want i would never do it justice in certain ways but there's just certain people who you're meant to buzz off the people i don't like i don't like bullying i don't like bullies i don't like that but there are some people who deserve to be bullied and there's people out there who have got stupid opinions of it because again i worked in pubs for a decade and everyone every group of mates got that one lad who takes the lion's share of the abuse because he deserves it because he's an idiot and he's the only way you can put him right is to go shut up you dick

01:45:45 and I had you know and you used to in years gone by you would punch that person in the arm maybe face depending on what

01:45:52 you'd had to drink and now those people don't have friends anymore it's dickhole innit we've all got we've all got the name and it's all

01:46:00 it's always a name like that it's always an O name or an I name or an I name or an E name one of our mates the other day went to wet the baby's head he's just had a baby

01:46:09 and he invited all the lads and he invited Dicko and he told Dicko only that it was fancy dressed and he turned up dressed as Saw these guys used to get

01:46:21 pilloried and they were laughing they were laughing and you'd hold them up and you loved them really so you were a bit gentle with them and you'd maybe

01:46:26 make it up to them these people now more and more don't have real friends because you know these people we all know they're very lucky

01:46:33 to have us aren't they to be honest these weirdos these weirdos that we've kept around and invited to the parties for all these years but no

01:46:40 these now don't have actual real friends but they find other little niche weirdos who have those niche weirdo opinions online and it emboldens them

01:46:49 to have stupid opinions yes and you know and so they've now got these weird subculture groups where they think and this is how Flat Earth has come about

01:46:57 in it is that instead of someone going shut up you knob no it's not a real thing they've got a they've found thousands of other people

01:47:04 going no it is right it used to be the one dickhead in the pub and now that dickhead in the pub can talk to the dickhead from every other pub in the country at the same time

01:47:11 dickinthepub.com it's alright yeah it's like it's like literally like you found an app where instead of like

01:47:19 meeting people to date or to find love you found other morons who share your stupid opinions and that's how you match. Ooh, he thinks the earth is flat

01:47:31 and Boris Johnson's doing a great job. Oh yeah, he's a match. We can have a little chat online now. Yeah, oh my God. And he's got a Subaru as a profile picture as well. Shall we call a little interval? We need to have a word from our sponsors. What a wonderful first section that was.

01:47:49 I feel like we've solved all the problems with social media. If this gets enough views, I reckon social media is going to become a much nicer, happier place for everyone involved. That's how that'll work. And if you like social media, you might also like manscaped.com. That was a clunky fucking segment and if you like things you might like this thing you like things to go more smoothly oh there you go

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01:50:17 It's time for some features. We've got some features. We've got a couple of would-you-riders, which we do a lot of. I know you do a couple of them on your podcast as well. We should give that a plug actually. So tell us where you can find it what it's called

01:50:29 and whatever. The Matej X Pajak podcast. It's generally speaking. It's similar to what you guys do. It's generally me and Chris just chatting shit about life, the universe and everything

01:50:37 periodically with great guests and Adam's been on it as well. That was a really good one actually. No, it is. The one we did with Jamie Carragher was one of the really good ones. We had yourself, Liverpool musician,

01:50:49 Jamie Webster and Jamie Carragher on a little spell pre-lockdown when we had to get back to, we couldn't get guests anymore. So it was like doing it ourselves. It was amazing. It was dead fun, that. It's a really, really good podcast to do.

01:51:00 And I imagine a few people who watch this will be from your fans and also there'll be a crossover with me having done your channel a bit and there'll be a lot of football fans on but if you're a fan of ours if you're one of the regular have a word listeners and you like chris and paul and you're not really interested in 40 or live pool football club the mate x payjack podcast is 99 non-football in it like you might hint at it because it's ridiculous for you not to at times but it's well for you not to at times, but it's well worth checking out.

01:51:26 Even the ones with the footballers and the other Liverpool-based people, not necessarily football-based, and go and check that out. Unless you're a Tory, please don't. Tory, don't bother. How many days are you recording? Now, you've got the Redmen TV and your podcast.

01:51:41 I mean, is it literally a nine to five, Monday to Friday? Not nine to five. No, no. No, that's not. You don't it literally a nine to five monday to friday not nine to five no no no that's not like you don't give up a nine to five to start another nine to eight to late really isn't it yeah pretty much like we do mxp you've got your own channel as well i've got we've both got twitch channels so red men as well on top of that like it's it's a full-time fucking job red men's a proper it's a full-on media company, so there's everything to, you know what I mean? There's those,

01:52:05 and we've got three other members of staff who work on all that, so it's, there's always something going on. You could have, you could fill 24 hours a day, if you know, if you had the manpower to do it.

01:52:15 So yeah, it's, it would be weird. Do you know, do you know at some point when I go and do an episode, I mean, we'll clear this with you guys,

01:52:22 you should come and sit in on it because you'd love their setup. You know, just the studios. Mate, you're doing what we want to get to. Obviously, different stuff.

01:52:29 Yeah. We've got our old wallpaper and everything. It's great. Is this the same one? Yeah. We talked about your channel when we were talking about

01:52:38 what we wanted this to become. Yeah. We want it to be your podcast and your show but for fucking nonsense instead of footy. Nailed it. And we want to get really rich,

01:52:50 and that's why we're doing our feature, Celebrity Net Worth. Yes. So we've sort of done this once before by accident. Basically, you'll notice Dan has a laptop in front of him. I'm not allowed a laptop, because I've got undiagnosed ADHD. And you'd have broken

01:53:05 the keyboard the amount of fucking smash in the table before but I started just one episode Dan was just talking for a bit too long

01:53:12 for me to concentrate on so I just started 40 episodes I just started googling celebrity net worths so I don't really know

01:53:21 what's about to happen here because he's prepped a bit and mainly Carl has prepped a chunk of this as well What are we doing? Can you tell us? You haven't got a mic

01:53:30 I've got loads So you've got loads I want to see what you've got I went on celebritynetworth.com The official website as well They check your bank I would suggest that going down some of this It's bullshit Because some of these people definitely do not check your bank. And I would suggest that going down some of this, it's bullshit.

01:53:45 Because some of these people definitely do not check their bank account, and it's in million dollars. But we're going to go off them. Well, net worth isn't just your capital, is it? It's like your assets as well. Oh, look at me with words there. Yeah.

01:53:57 That was sick. And I'm not sure all of these people's accountants would agree with the fucking findings. Like, if you went to celebrityaccountantsworth.com, they'd be like, shut the fuck up. It's a letter. I wonder if anyone in this room is on it. Almost certainly not.

01:54:15 Do you not reckon? Not a fucking chance. No. Or nation. No. Net worth. I can imagine if an... It's a suggested Google search.

01:54:23 I'll tell you that much Yeah Fucking hell You know you've cracked it When you type your name in it And wife comes up Straight afterwards No it's not there

01:54:33 For the crazy girls Thinking maybe I can be His wife It's his bed It's his bed fit We don't need to do The celebrity net worth For these guys

01:54:41 We could just get The banking apps out And we'll have a little Fucking comp Get it out and it just goes wah wah it says mine

01:54:48 is up to a million dollars and that is accuracy yeah oh that's definitely anywhere probably always will be

01:54:57 he was driving Jade's Fiesta for the first six months of the year the game is just who's worth more. Classic fucking... Like, for your car, right?

01:55:08 Is it winner stays on sort of thing? You can just discuss it between yourselves. I just want to know who you think's worth more. Okay. Elon Musk. Him? Or Bill Gates. Oh.

01:55:20 Tesla's own Elon Musk. Electrical wizard nonce, Elon Musk. Bill Gates gave half his fucking fortune the way, didn't he? No, I think he's going to. tesla's own elon musk electrical wizard nonce elon musk and bill gates and the foundation and stuff didn't he give loads to the foundation i think he's gonna when he dies that's what i always heard that was the room of gold around our school no there is like a charity movement isn't it to give away a massive chunk of your wealth because he's trying to microchip everyone in control he's now a philanthropist isn't he that's like that's what he's now he's not bill gates microsoft anymore he's fucking that so butip everyone and control the world. He's now a philanthropist, isn't he? That's what he's now. He's not Bill Gates, Microsoft anymore. He's fucking that.

01:55:47 You know when they say philanthropist, they're still worth at least 30 billion. But I gave away 100. You're still bigger than Peru, though. Your wealth. Your fucking GDP is massive. Yeah, but Elon Musk is like the man city of this game, isn't he? Bill Gates

01:56:03 has been fucking winning titles for time in the billionaires. I mean, he was number one, baby. He's Man United. This is fucking Elon Musk being... Elon Musk terrifies me, you know. I've seen him on like Rogan's podcast, and there's something fucking wrong with him. Yeah.

01:56:19 Like, he's obviously that, you know, that thin line between madness and genius. I think like, depending on what they... I think Tuesday he's a genius, and the next day he's killing something. You know what I mean? He's definitely nailing it, but he's like,

01:56:30 I want to solve the traffic problem in LA. Yeah, he's building underground tunnels. And it probably worked, but it does sound mental until we've seen it work. It sounds like The Dark Knight Rises to me. It sounds like he's getting everyone under there to press a fucking thing and then everyone's just going to be bedded underground german pedo bane is amazing

01:56:56 earth run to tunnel underground carry on can either of you do any impressions not under pressure. No. When you're nice and relaxed, just had a bath. Keep it down. Oh, you think Papa better shut up. Light a few candles, get a bit of Kenny G on and just start working out some impressions. I was saying before, I can do musical impressions. No, he can't.

01:57:20 Didn't know Mark Morrison, Return of the Mac. Didn't know Mark Morrison was black. I don't even hear them them Do you know what I mean Do you Return of the Mac This is why Adam's never gonna be In the competition

01:57:34 With Elon and Bill For like How many billions What the fuck That was your Come face before Why did you do Why did you do him

01:57:41 Like as the undertaker That's me eye lot I know But it's not though, is it? Do you know what I mean? I know. Am I wrong? Nelson Mandela to song.

01:57:56 I know all the words to informer. I lick your bum bum down. Fucking ledge, mate. But the actual words I know you do and it's a starter in his come down with me meal go on

01:58:11 informer I lick your bum bum down they weren't words Chris they were lad I was just saying so fast they went over your ass I'll tell you what then could you

01:58:21 fucking queer leg could you say them just slowly you don't have to sing them just tell us what they are he's doing jokes now that you say it do you remember that song yeah

01:58:33 first CD single they have both fuck off correct that's actually quite cool mine was well worse than that all for one I swear that's a

01:58:44 belt nice I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear I swear actually quite cool mine was well worse than that all for one i swear that's a belt do it as nelson mandela and the stars in the sun i will i will be there return after what tape snap it was as well it was a fucking tape oh yeah yeah but he's not that's not fun to him. He's fucking... Mine was on a gramophone. There was a little dog going, what's that, lad? Hey, listen.

01:59:11 We'll meet again. There's a reason I said first CD single when I said it, because it's not my first single. My first single was on vinyl. You know what I mean? It was Brian Adams. Brian Adams!

01:59:23 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, mate! Everything I do by Brian Adams. Adams yes everything I do by Brian Adams from the fucking Robin Hood yes everyone had that

01:59:29 number one in the charts for two years everyone had how old are you 37 37 from Woolies

01:59:36 got that so there's only two years between you two wow he's good at maths I know he's lightning he was top of his class I'm not like

01:59:44 it's not the maths that I'm like trying to impress you with oh yeah he looks young and I look old yeah yeah yeah alright I get the joke

01:59:51 what was your first tape then what was your tape snap rhythm is a dancer rhythm I'm serious as cancer when I say my first tape was rhythm is a dancer mine was

02:00:00 I can't remember whichever one of these came out first because for a while these were the only two CDs I had Bob Dylan by Usher

02:00:07 or Ghetto Gospel by Tupac and Elton John I had that on MP3 I mean I'll Carl will you check for us which one of them came out first

02:00:16 Ghetto Gospel Hit em with a little ghetto gospel Those are weird Follow me Did Elton John duet with Tupac after Tupac had been shot several times?

02:00:27 Because that doesn't sound something like West Coast rapper Tupac would agree to. That was from 2005. Yeah, he's long dead. I was 13. Yeah, but that's mad because I think after a certain age, once you're at adulthood, everything feels like it was like two weeks ago so like that song feels like it only came out quite recently oh yeah it's still the noughties for me when like what like the libertines was about a fortnight ago usher bairn was first

02:00:55 yeah uh you say like elton john hadn't ordered bill gates i knew this was gonna happen elon musk and bill gates is where he's like. He's like, no, shut up, Usher. Elton John also did it with Eminem. Remember? With Stan. I believe that. No, he didn't, no, did he? He did.

02:01:14 Elton John and Tupac and Elton John and Eminem were never in the room together. Elton John and Eminem performed live on stage together and did Stan. Wow. Elton John did Dido's bit on stage together and did Stan. Wow. Elton John did Dido's bit because Dido was on holiday in Rio. Do you reckon Elton John...

02:01:30 Fucking Elton John. I'm not... Dido's on here. Who should we get? Elton fucking John, yeah? Sound. Someone must really hate Eminem. But it's...

02:01:41 I prefer that version. Tears gone cold, I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all I prefer that version Close your eyes Don't I think he was just molesting me Play that No don't For the love of fuck don't

02:02:06 11 years ago but can we just do one Bill Gates Bill Gates 120 billion Elon Musk 99 billion

02:02:14 he's got 99 billion but his mental health is one Tom Cruise yeah Tom Hanks who's worth more oh Cruisy

02:02:29 think Cruisy I reckon Cruisy oh no I don't know whether he had to pay like a fucking severance fee to get out of

02:02:36 the old Scientology stuff what like membership fees because he bounced didn't he has he fucked off Scientology I believe so no

02:02:42 did you get it in the yearly newsletter yeah yeah I think like because he was he was like the face of it for a while wasn't he of Scientology? I believe so. No. Did you get it in the yearly newsletter? Yeah, yeah. I think like, because he was like the face of it for a while, wasn't he? To pay a severance package

02:02:50 like leaving Virgin... I think it was like... I think he like... He bought himself out of his mobile phone contract. I think maybe like the Jews paid a transfer fee to get him from Scientology.

02:03:01 Okay. Let's let that go. Big transfer news That'd be amazing The theological Fucking Sky Sports news Breaking news

02:03:09 That's lunch hour He can do Fucking What he's still there Is he yeah He's still there He's still there Yeah but he's seen

02:03:17 His contract Yeah he's Trying to go on a Bosman Trying to go on a Bosman He's gonna go and play In Japan like Fucking Iniesta have you heard about

02:03:27 Cruz he makes playing midfield for the Buddhists but like I think if he's still there then and he hasn't had to pay them off I reckon defo him

02:03:34 because like I reckon he was getting like commission on the celebrities you know like when Jay-Z and Will Smith and that came to Scientology

02:03:40 I reckon it was all down to him and he was getting a little 20% you're so fake news that's unbelievable Jay-Z's not a Scientologist is he he is was all down to him and he was getting a little 20%. Mate, you're so fake news. That's unbelievable. Jay-Z's not a Scientologist, is he? He is.

02:03:47 Is he? Is he fork? Is he? He fucking is. Wow. When did they sign him? January transfer window. And he got a free transfer with Bay.

02:03:58 Yeah. Him and Beyonce are both in it. No. He's talking shit. They were meant to be getting Kanye, but the fax wasn't working they're associated with that

02:04:08 oh yeah that's just a tax fiddle you got this off team talk didn't you Tom Cruise 570 million Tom Hanks 400 million wow this is really up your fucking street musically pink

02:04:26 yes christina aguilera oh you're saying look he's not there's no jokes about this because this is his genre pink has like had more longevity hasn't she but christina aguilera's like beautiful and dirty was such like she's probably still raking it in from that hey she got paid by how many wanks you are to the dirty video it's probably probably her to still like put on her. That is so devastatingly true. I've had a wank. Do you know what's really funny? She was sweaty.

02:04:51 This is really embarrassing. I've had a wank to that this year. Isn't he on an HD? 720p. I don't get out of bed for less than 1080p I was hungover it come on the radio

02:05:08 when I was in the car wait what you were in the car on the radio no I didn't wank in the car I wasted until I got home and then I was like you've seen it that many times

02:05:15 just imagine the video when you just pull over to some fucking traffic light for a fucking tommy tank he's in a fucking food channel

02:05:24 on YouTube and you're cracking one out to fucking Christina Aguilera I was hungover I've told you before when I'm hungover

02:05:31 me sexual desires are a bit fucking ski whiff right so I was in the car it came on and I was like I remembered the video

02:05:38 and then when I got home and I was having a little alone time it popped into my head so instead of going to Pornhub I went to Christina Aguilera

02:05:44 Vivo can I just say do you remember and the video was really hot stripper like women doing road works and using like

02:05:57 like there was parties when we'd been clubbing when people had put like the MTV dance on and it'd be four in the morning and I'd be like coming down a little bit

02:06:04 and then that had come on and I had to leave parties because it got me too horny you're going down yeah yeah yeah yeah dirty little bastard so i feel for you you never had a pink wank no i did sort of fancy pink when I was younger but it was more like a grief fantasy because my parents had split up and she released

02:06:29 Family Portrait and it just did something for me he has sympathy works to Christina you are beautiful I am Christina she's great

02:06:42 since she's thickened out I fucking love her she looks like she's like fucking Christina Aguilera squared She's the same shape She's just fucking massive She looks like she's been doing growth hormone I'm into it Fat Tina

02:06:55 I'm a Pink fan I am? Yeah I'd go and see Pink live Can we get him tickets for Pink? Never seen live music Never seen live music Never seen live music I've seen live music

02:07:06 I've never been to a concert What Yeah Wow We've done this I know That's fine Right

02:07:13 You know Swimming with Dolphins We were going watching Pink That was good Pink Pink apparently Puts a show on by the way Oh she's the amazing showman 200 million

02:07:25 Christina Aguilera 160 you're quite good at this yeah she's got more longevity you're annoyingly good at this

02:07:31 Messi Cristiano Cristiano Ronaldo Messi Cristiano Ronaldo I know it's Messi it is

02:07:40 let's have the discussion let's have the discussion we can't hear you Carl Messi's the highest paying footballer in the world doesn't mean let's have the discussion. Let's have the discussion. We can't hear you, Carl. Messi's the highest paying footballer in the world. Doesn't mean he's got the biggest net worth, though, does he?

02:07:51 What do you reckon, lads? That's an interesting one. Messi's got his own clothing brand and stuff, hasn't he? So he's got his own Messi footballs. Ronaldo has his own rights, though. He negotiates his own rights with Juve, doesn't he? So I reckon Ronaldo. And he's had a couple of big transfers as well,

02:08:06 which Messi hasn't. Yeah, I go Ronaldo. Oh, that's a good point. I'm going to stick with Messi because of Madigan's, even though I know I'm wrong. Messi, 400. Cristina, I can't say it.

02:08:16 Cristina, I go Ronaldo. Cristina, Ronaldo, 500 mil. Apparently. He's not the first billionaire footballer then. Here's one. Fat Ronaldo or Zlatan? Who's worth more? I reckon right now it's Zlatan.

02:08:31 But I reckon if you had drawn a line at the end of both of their careers, it just looks like he's spent a bit of money since he finished. If you take away Brazilian Gregs. Like he's on the limo, isn't he? The limo? Not if you've seen the size of him, he's not. Oh, yeah? No, but, like, there's some fat limo ends.

02:08:51 Is there? Not proper ones, there's not. He's on the limo. I'm telling you right now, he's on the limo. I'm not saying he's not, mate. I'm just saying that he's, you know, he's probably on something. Yeah. But he's allowed to be, isn't he?

02:09:04 Yeah. He's worth a ton of money. He's no alter party. I can't imagine he's very rich. I mean, I reckon he's comfortable, but I can't see him being stupid anymore. I reckon he hasn't paid his mortgage off because he was spending it on other shit. Why is it with Brazilian footballers?

02:09:20 They're amazing, but Ronaldinho looks like a guy who you'd find like around the back of a pub like with a fucking ponytail fucking still got it ronnie trying to do step overs with a fucking beer barrel well yeah i reckon i reckon it's latin i don't know about you guys surely this does sound like a red herring i can't imagine why it wouldn't be yeah it's latin 190 fat ronaldo 160 million dollars so i don't know i it wouldn't be Zlatan Yeah it's Zlatan 190 Fat Rinaldo 160 million dollars So

02:09:45 I don't know I just don't see that that can be true Frank Lampard And Steven Gerrard Who do you reckon is worth more According to American website Celebritynetworth.com It'll be Lampard I reckon

02:10:03 Lampard's got his books Hasn't he? He writes kids books Does he? Yeah He writes kids books Frankie's magic football But also

02:10:12 He was probably on Double what Gerrard was on At Chelsea Yeah Because Chelsea are moneybags I reckon I'd go Lampard Yeah Lampard

02:10:20 According to this Frank Lampard's worth 90 million dollars And Stevie G Is worth 90 million dollars Oh wow It's a tie You've done that to us I know You know According to this, Frank Lampard's worth $90 million and Stevie G is worth $90 million. Oh, wow. It's a tie. You've done that to us.

02:10:27 I know. You know how annoying it was? I saw it and I was like, God, there's just nothing between them. Same standard of player. No. You know, look, let's not go into that. That's not even close.

02:10:40 Don't even say it. Even he will tell you that that's bullshit. I really enjoy being a prick. And let's just say this right now, since you brought it up. Paul Scholes doesn't belong in our conversation. If he played for West Ham, he wouldn't start ahead of Mark Noble. It's all right, babe. It's all right.

02:10:53 You are beautiful, no matter what they say. Eddie Murphy. Hercules, Hercules, Hercules. Yeah, he's good at that. That's a good one, isn't it? Come on. Versus Chris Rock. Eddie Murphy Herculees Herculees Herculees yeah he's good at that that's a good one isn't it come on versus Chris Rock oh

02:11:08 it's absolutely and without it's not even close to Eddie Murphy it's not close it should be Eddie Murphy

02:11:19 it should be Eddie Murphy all that clumps money Chris Rock didn't didn't Chris Rock had the TV series didn't Chris Rock had the TV series

02:11:26 didn't he he had yeah the kid yeah this one whatever it was called

02:11:30 what is it every age Chris or something how I met you Chris yeah absolutely did Eddie Murphy

02:11:37 have a period in his life where he spunked it all up the wall well I think he had to

02:11:41 give Mel B he had to give Mel B yeah I caught myself did you say you nearly spunked it all

02:11:50 on Mel B you fucking bastard ooh that's post selector that's not her voice

02:11:59 I can't if I honestly you tell me Mel B I see her she's beautiful talented are you fucking out Eddie you bastard give me some I can't. In fact, honestly, you tell me Mel B. I see her. She's beautiful, talented.

02:12:05 Are you fucking out? Eddie, you bastard. Give me some of that Nutty Professor money. Feet baby. I need money. Eddie, I need money for baby. Who's your favourite out of them? If you had to delete one of their lives where Chris Rock or Eddie Murphy,

02:12:22 who are you deleting? Eddie Murphy. You delete Eddie Murphy? I couldn't delete Eddie Murphy because Chris Rock or Eddie Murphy, who are you deleting? Oh, Eddie Murphy. You delete Eddie Murphy? I couldn't delete Eddie Murphy because of his, Eddie Murphy the actor. I've never, I prefer Chris Rock as a comedian,

02:12:32 but I prefer Eddie Murphy as a... Do it properly for them. Thank you, Lee. Thank you, Lee. Thank you, Lee. Eddie Murphy's worth 200 mil. Chris Rock is worth 100 mil. Not even close

02:12:45 and that's wrong as well Eddie Murphy's definitely got it stuffed away in a few fucking he's got a bowling alley in his house you know right does that mean you're worth

02:12:52 more than 200 million yeah right if you've got 200 if you only had 190 million would you put a bowling alley in your house

02:13:00 no I'd love to Hollywood Bowl's not worth fucking 200 million and they've got fucking bowling alleys but it's a shit hole have you been to Edge Lane recently it looks so sad the Hollywood Bowl's not worth fucking 200 million and they've got fucking bowling alleys but it's a shit hole have you been to

02:13:07 Edge Lane recently it looks so sad the Hollywood Bowl on its own I know this is such a local reference there's a shop and park in Edge Lane

02:13:14 in Liverpool which is like sort of it's the gateway to the city isn't it you come off the M62 onto Edge Lane it's that road you drive onto the city centre

02:13:22 and there's a retail park and they've knocked everything down to build a full new retail park but the owner of Hollywood Bowl has gone no thank you we like our bowl on alley just as it is and they've left that on its own they've knocked the buildings down around it

02:13:37 so it's just scaffolding it's really modern isn't it it's really modern all the restaurants are really up to date and then Hollywood Bowl it's a bit like the house in Up you know like where it's just

02:13:47 you know you're stuck on it for ages and Kevin and like you know the world has moved on around this around this building

02:13:52 yeah like with the promise of one day it being upgraded I was in there about a year ago actually with the kids and stuff

02:13:59 I remember speaking to a member of staff I was like what's going on with this and he's like it's getting a full refurb and all this and it's gonna

02:14:04 basically it's just a shell it's gonna be brand new we went in there about six months later i was like any news they're like they're not really refurb and anymore i was like no shit mate so that's why i haven't even recovered the fucking pool tables about 10 years that was the best birthday party when you were a kid though hollywood ball birthday it's where me and jay went on our third date i was about to say one of the worst dates you can have when you're like, should we go bowling? Like,

02:14:27 we needed something to do. Yeah. We played pool and she was really like, what? Old way, yeah. It's like four years ago. Oh, it wasn't like a situation

02:14:34 where, because that's, when you were kids, you were young kids, you'd go, like when you're 14, you'd go on dates to, cinema,

02:14:40 all the bowling, yeah. Try and get a, you know, fingering in around the back of the machis at the end just to wrap the night up

02:14:46 and you were set weren't you yeah thanks for listening to the podcast I here's a I really love those places that are sort of lost in time and although Hollywood Bowl

02:14:55 at Edgeland isn't there yet if that makes it through another 10 years it will be noteworthy you'll be like mate it's like time travel it's alright

02:15:04 it's not 10 years right it's like time travel. It's all right. It's not 10 years away. It's like six months, maybe. It looks dishevelled. This is how we lived in olden times. It looks really dishevelled. They got Wi-Fi. Wi-Fi. I'm willing to bet that they haven't got Wi-Fi.

02:15:18 Yeah. It looks like it hasn't got Wi-Fi. No way if they got Wi-Fi. No. No fucking chance. I kind of love it for that, though. I like those places. I don't think they've got fucking bowling shoes fucking chance I kind of love it for that though I like those places I don't think you've even got fucking bowling shoes anymore

02:15:25 That shit It's pathetic That's one of the things that's gone with Covid innit Bowling shoes It's just where you're saying it now lad Yeah Bowling shoes and blowing on birthday cake Maybe that spray though was the solution

02:15:36 And we've lost that That spray I did a little spray sound On the cause of it all Yeah yeah Thanks for downloading Have A Word. I'd like to tell you about our Patreon. We've got one of the best patrons in the game. Please sign up, support the podcast and me and Adam.

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02:16:36 It's like a speakeasy for two lids and Adam starts saying all sorts of shit. It's kind of becoming my favorite bit of the pod. And you can get all of this for as little as £3, which is the equivalent of buying me or Adam a pint, or half a pint in fucking London. Sign up at patreon.com slash haveawordpod. Uh, should we do the have a word?

02:17:02 Yes! Alright lids, got a word, got to have a word for you. Just call me Joe. Can you have a word with my ratty cunt of a mate? I think he's from Liverpool. This girl started messaging me on Snapchat and I worked out that she knew my mate. I messaged him and he asked me if I liked her.

02:17:20 I said, not really, but I'd like a blowjob or a shag. I also mentioned that she wasn't really that fit which is uh the opposite of what i had said to her the horrible twat then screenshotted the message and sent it to her i then received so many angry messages from her that i had to block her the worst thing is that she lives around the corner from me all the best lids love the pod oh there's a rat in the kitchen and he that is different levels fucking drop kicking him like proper i don't mean i mean like proper like the rock get the rock in to drop kick him into next week that is because it's not even like because i bet that's one of those things where you go ah and i'm gonna do him over and we've all got that

02:18:04 again that makes when you're out in town and do anything to cock block you you know what I mean just because he's just a bit sad and desperate himself but that's just sly that is genuinely sly

02:18:14 that is king snake I just feel really sorry for the girls being messed around like this tell me more new Adam that I've never fucking met i just feel like you know you need to be honest with women and say what your intentions are from the start and if you know if she's up for it then great and if she isn't you're all right what's happened

02:18:42 i just think you should respect women thanks for listening to the podcast but like you know What's happened? What the fuck? I just think you should respect women. Thanks for listening to the podcast. No, but like, you know, he's saying to her that he wants something serious just so she'll suck his dick and then he's going to leave her. And then, and she lives around the corner. So his plan all along was to shag her and then see it after shagging her. I reckon, if anything, he's got a way like me. I'm literally gobsmacked.

02:19:06 Look at your fucking face. You're such a contrarian. Just because I thought I knew where this was going to go. I, can I just say, like, when anyone who's calling him out, like, what, so you, there was an attractive young lady and you said you thought she was attractive, but you said privately to your mate, you weren't that arse and you were just going to bang her.

02:19:24 Well, that, sir, is disgusting. And you embarrass me and all men. Any guy who calls out a bloke for that is a fucking hypocrite because we've all chatted some private shit. No? I'm on this island, am I, guys? With my fucking act of fry, you're letting me hang out here on my own?

02:19:42 No, the conversations that lads have i don't think i don't think lads being lads and chatting is representative of a man's true feelings about things in general because you can't be like i am i've fallen for this girl she's she might be the one let's not talk like that it's like oh well you know she's just this thing and you know i'll have a bit of a laugh and blah blah blah but it's just shady on here like that's like no one imagined oh it makes me feel really uncomfortable yeah the grass is a knobbed like like never speak to him again and you know jump him with all your mates just fucking batter and put him in hospital on that yeah is that better yeah yeah just feels like we're back on track i know a lad who got in quite a bit of trouble because he texted his mate saying,

02:20:26 just sort of like flippant, like, oh, I've seen this girl's day, I'd love to shag her, whatever. And he'd left his Apple Watch at his bed. She's seen the messages. And he had to be, like, she texted him like, you've seen the birds day, you wanted to shag her, did you? And he was like, oh, oh.

02:20:43 Because obviously she'd seen everything. She'd seen all the messages. The only thing I've ever had to come close, there's two actually, there's one where I was, I was texting, I'd text this bird, I'd rang this bird to ask her out

02:20:53 and she was like, I'm going away for, on holiday and maybe when we get back we'll sort something out and I text my mate, I don't know where, she's just,

02:21:00 I don't know where she's at, she's going away, I don't know whether she's interested, blah, blah, blah and sent it straight to her and was just folded up with, yeah, probably ignore that. That's fine.

02:21:08 And then never spoke to her ever again. Out of utter shame. But I'd messaged my cousin and said, you all right? And he said, no, my head's done it at the moment. And I said, but why? And he said, and he texted back. Now, apparently, he texts back, my mum, my dad, my best mate, and my missus, take your pick as to who's doing me adding the most i don't know that he texts that because he did not text it to me um so and he does not know

02:21:34 to this day after because this is early days of text messages like he's got he's like did you he rang me he was like did you get that text and i was like no what text and he was like oh shit because there's no one else he's texting he's picked all the important people in his life in one hit to slag off he's absolutely detected to at least to at least one of them today just fucking place that though isn't like the text messages of the worst emails emails the absolute fucking worst because you can't take them back at least on whatsapp you can delete for everyone I love that when you say delete for everyone and it basically means

02:22:07 someone's going to go what was that and you're like I'll fucking take that and send them shit on email that shouldn't have been fucking sent on email yeah

02:22:15 I did it once when we worked in a bar together I don't know whether I was working with you actually but I think you were texting me going are we going out for a bevy or whatever

02:22:26 and I text my boss saying I'll just ring in sick it doesn't matter we just can't go near my work and she was like you're not having a night off for a month yeah email's so hard

02:22:37 because you do it now that you do it on your phone I've put so many kisses on the end of emails just like yeah serious like words so like yeah really look forward to speaking to you and then it's gone sometimes I get in the habit of doing just like yeah serious like words so like yeah we really look forward to

02:22:45 speaking to you and then it's gone sometimes i get in the habit of doing a couple you're like oh it looks such a fucking bellend i do kisses to everyone now yeah yeah i never got the kisses thing i remember going out with the girl once and she was saying i go i said what why why do you put those kisses on the end of everything you know this was the text message pre whatsapp pre emojis universe and she was like so everyone knows that i'm sound with them so if i leave it off he'll dislike me mate i'm actually i've left the kiss off so he knows i'm raging with him and i was like what the fucking hell have i walked into here that's how a lot of people think, though. My first serious girlfriend, who was, by any definition,

02:23:26 an absolute psychopath, used to put five text kisses, and then she would scale it depending on the mood she was in. She gave a five-star review. Oh, my God. Like, if it was just a normal day, five. And then if, like, she was like, let's say I was like, oh, I know somebody was going to do something on Thursday but could we do

02:23:45 Friday instead because me and Carl want to go out for a drink and there's 40 on Thursday she'd go yeah yeah no worries three

02:23:50 I like that you know I think that sounds she's created emojis for herself it's like you you now know how she's thinking about it where you'd be sat

02:23:59 there going she sounds pissed off but she's given me five fucking stars here what the fuck is she actually no she never left it ambiguous like that

02:24:07 that's what I'm saying that's what you want that's boss you want her you want her to be able to go alright she thinks I'm a cunt do you want my fucking number and see how far you get with this

02:24:15 no not at all no but she might be on to sort of Elon Musk fine line between insanity and genius isn't there maybe she's cracked it

02:24:21 because even emojis were created so you can try and convey tone in what you're doing in your messages but all they are really like i know there's a lad who's worked for us who's 20 2021 now and for him the thumbs up is a really dismissive thing to give someone it's like yeah jam whatevs whereas it's like for us it's like yeah good on you because i lived coming from the david haselhoff generation where a thumb up was like, what? You know what? Something to me.

02:24:47 Good! Yeah, someone's giving you a thumbs up. I love you, marry me! Yeah! See, a thumbs up to me is the end of a conversation. It's just, I can't be arsed. That was funny. Message received. Yeah, I've seen that.

02:25:04 But I'm not replying because i can't be asked you did it once where i don't think i knew the meaning of the smiley face and i used it and you went what this is when we were getting the podcast going the one with eyes but no face oh i sent it to you and you were what do you mean and i just thought it meant i just can't be asked i've seen your message my eyes yeah yeah looked at your message. The eyes when it's got no mouth. Yeah. Yet that means like, I don't know what I want to say.

02:25:28 Like, it's like awkward, isn't it? Oh, I just know it meant like, I'm just, I'm just, I'm done with talking about it.

02:25:34 It's also like, it's like, have we not just proved the point in this? Yeah. Five star anger rating on a text message. There's no ambiguity whatsoever. If you've got a three, you've done something,

02:25:44 you've done something wrong if you're getting one or none fuck me it's not it's a get round there and solve the problem immediately kind of situation yeah

02:25:52 yeah yeah I do love you listen I know the person who's delivered it hasn't really you know set you up for life on this you know yeah

02:25:59 but oh she was right all along it was all good was she good. Was she good in bed? No. Oh, well, then, yeah. What, crazy and not good in bed?

02:26:10 Yeah. Oh, that's the worst type of crazy. At the end of the relationship, right, this is... How long were you with her, Adam? About a year. That's the whole point of the crazy ones. Right. At the end of the relationship, this is... Mirrors everywhere.

02:26:23 This is almost verbatim. This is as verbatim as I can remember it. I'm not going to leave anything out on purpose. He said to me, so go on, lad, tell us what happened. Why did you break up? I went, well, do you know what it was, lad? Towards the end, she just became a cunt. And he said, no, she was a cunt at the start.

02:26:42 And I went, yeah, she was actually, wasn't she? And I've never thought about it since. Apart from when she turned up at a gig with her now husband. And I did a story about the night that we broke up. And the story was... I don't want to say it. You've done it on the pod as well.

02:27:00 You've done it on the pod. Let's leave it there. Can I ask a question on that? She sent a message going, really nice to see you at the live show one kiss so every

02:27:08 it was no because this is I always think about this about comedy and I was thinking about with the Eminem stuff before when you

02:27:17 slag someone off and you've got no choice you're going to bump into them and you're doing stuff now where you go up

02:27:24 on stage and you've got stories where you're going this this dickhead said this to me and blah blah you now live in a world where that person could legitimately turn up to a show or you could meet that how's it how is that because i there's things that i'd be like this is a great story to tell on the podcast but i'm like I could bump into a member of their family walking in the Asda. You've basically got to not think about it, because otherwise it will ruin the prospect. You've got to just be like, if it happens, it happens,

02:27:56 because otherwise you'd stop doing stand-up. First of all, if I still know the person, I won't do the story without going to them and doing the story. Or if I do, and this counts also if I don't know the person, I won't do the story without going to the arm and doing the story. Or if I do, and this counts also, if I don't know them anymore, for example,

02:28:10 who we're talking about now, who I've done jokes about, I will never name them. Like, because then you can get into libel stuff. I will always make it, my ex-girlfriend did this. And then if they get pissed off,

02:28:22 then all they're doing is letting everyone know that it's about them. I'm not, I've got several ex-girlfriends, so you know what I mean? Like show off. It could be about, well, by several,

02:28:33 I mean two. It could be about any two of them. Yeah. So I don't try and be personal. And even more so now that i've seen the really how much like to come a bit full circle what was almost earlier the negativity of social media and people do see what you're saying it does get get to you than that so i try not to be overly personal uh a lot of the time and i like if a story's about someone i'll make sure that unless you know you will never know who it's about yeah so i was finding it because

02:29:10 if you ever watched the marvelous mrs mazel and the way she builds their comedy and that and it's about her mom and dad and then the mom and dad see it and they're horrified i was like i'll be yeah having that situation we've done it in the podcast like tell the story for my child and then i go my mom and dad tell me they've watched the podcast that way you're like yeah probably won't be probably won't be doing that even more with with the podcast because we do so much and it's never planned it's never scripted we end up saying things and you're like even then like there's elements of that we you have to just do an edit whereas material is often way more thought through maybe you ad-lib something but then it's lost in the moment.

02:29:46 The first time you do material. This will be on YouTube for a long time. It does make you clock it like, Christ. The first time you do material, if you do make a mistake and make it obvious if it is, it was probably seen by 80 people. This will be seen by more than that, six seconds after it goes out.

02:30:03 Yeah. What did give me a panic attack a couple of weeks ago was we speak about our personal lives quite openly on this podcast like i've had a wank to christina aguilera's dirty video this year and um the the other week jade was like me missus was like do you know my nanny's been listening to your podcast? And I talk about Jade on this, talk about everything. Jade's nan watches the podcast on YouTube. Hi, Jade's nan! Dirty!

02:30:34 It's going to be awkward at Christmas dinner this year, isn't it? Dirty! Shall we, on that note, call it an absolute length of a pod? Lad's been an absolute pleasure it's been fucking great thanks for

02:30:46 coming in thanks so much have we got a song we have got a song so we play out like a local artist on the audio version of the podcast

02:30:54 and just give them a plug and we can't put it on YouTube because then we get like advertised and fucked over for that yeah

02:30:59 thanks for explaining I'll trust you you were looking at me it looked like you were explaining that to me but you're doing it I presume you're doing it for the audience for other at me it looked like you were explaining that to me but you were doing it I presume you were doing it

02:31:06 for the audience for other people yes it sounded like you were explaining to me how YouTube works which is funny this track is a bit of hip hop it's by Marvin Adama

02:31:16 featuring China Lily he's on YouTube he's got a YouTube channel the YouTube channel is called Crown Freedom it's Black Diamonds by Marvin Adama featuring China Lily

02:31:27 thanks very much for coming on lads thanks for coming on if you are listening for the first time or you're watching for the first time you can get an extra episode

02:31:34 every week on patreon.com slash have a weird pod if you want merch you can go to haveawirdpod.com now if you've only joined for the second half

02:31:42 of the episode we are giving away we made three of these hoodies there's only one more so me and Dan have got one each half of the episode, we are giving away, we made three of these hoodies. There's only one more. So me and Dan have got one each. There's one spare hoodie. We're giving away that hoodie and two free tickets to any show you ever want to come to.

02:31:52 Subscribe on YouTube to this channel. Ring the bell and tell a mate to do the same. Send us screenshots of the show you've done it, either to email or on Twitter. And we're going to pick a winner in two weeks' time. Thanks very much for coming in. Pleasure, mate. Loved it, loved it.

02:32:05 Cheers! Bye, Felicia! It's a stand against the system and conditions we have And they've bullied us for years, tried to poison us with fear But get mad when we react and start hitting them back You don't understand the pain, they treat us like animals Then wonder why they see the beast coming out of the cage Funny how they hate the skin colour of our face But they secretly embrace the black culture that we made That's the slang, that's the food, that's the music, the fashion

02:32:40 They ain't gonna give us back nothing, that's usually what happens Stitched up but see we're used to the pattern, really you are too Cause you ain't even moved with compassion Black lives don't matter, when you see the police kill them on the road Everybody on their phones but they can't get close If they're black, cause the blast from the police Strap a lot of their body in the back In a coffin with a fam, and nobody understands how

02:33:00 Guilty officers are drinking coffee with their fam Getting off scot-free, so no we've not got peace i can't breathe you're diseased if the shot got squeezed if you're black put me in the sewer with the rats cause your view of me is that they abuse us with a badge got my eulogy and draft for my funeral it's sad when they care more about the looting than a human with his last they don't get it life is so precious but if you're white it's alright in it on both levels

02:33:23 cause you ain't gotta worry about your safety Like when you leave your house you don't fit if you'll ever make it Home to your loved ones Yo, how can I be composed when a brother lost his soul and the look's gone? Tryna climb the rope but get pushed up Holding up to hope but you wanna blow like a truck bump White Christians saying that I should keep quiet But my house is smoking, they're saving, this ain't a street fire

02:33:43 Hypocrites saying all lives matter Can't see it, they got equality But our lives, huh? Look in front of the sky, I don't care I see you in the crowd, there you stare Don't care, don't care Should I change the style of my hair? Should I throw my hands in the air? Oh yeah, oh yeah Why do they hate us so much? Try to balance it with goodness But God they ain't exchanging no love And they say we're all thugs, cannibals, vicious They rival with us, see us on the army, start in prison

02:34:19 A man that could be bitter with a system that oppresses us Yeah I'm British life, I'm tryna live it like the rest of you But that's impossible when you're never considered equal Highly probable that we're wrestling with an evil That only God can expel from the spirit and the hearts of men We've been locked in a cell in our cities trying to harvest strength To get up every time we're knocked down It's so sad when little kids wish they were white and not brown

02:34:39 Or black, but the fact is your skin colour's beautiful What they say doesn't define you, so don't assume it does Feel the pain and the rage of Nat Turner A burden tryna lose the weight like a fat burner with black diamonds Listen, we ain't going on that slave ship Man'll rock the boat till it capsizes Bro, don't act righteous You can't kill my soul even if I'm ghost And if black lime ain't white, watch the history With Britons in the States selling blacks They robbed our life and our liberty A bigger issue so many are quiet and complicit

02:35:06 with It's been a battle all our lives will fight until it's victory there needs to be love But I don't trust the people that just say it I wait to see what the deeds have become Love to those that rose from concrete the trees that were sprung And every flower that blossomed from all the seeds that they crushed deal with police brutality I know some that are scarred for life and seen some other people lose sanity I was on the tramp England fans doing monkey chants

02:35:27 Cops confronted and was trying not to punch a man Get the picture yet, that day I wish I missed a Met Cause I'm tired of the racist, the statements and the disrespect You say you don't see colour, well with me, it's the first thing they see Such a contrast to this effect I trust God, I know we lose when the love stops We bleed the same, but what do you do when the blood clots? No, this ain't black versus white

02:35:46 But it's black and white with Asian nations Against racism, back to fight Looking from the sky, I don't care I see you in the crowd and you stare Don't care, don't care Should I change the style of my hair? Should I throw my hands in the air? Oh yeah

02:36:05 Oh yeah

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