Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #84 with Stephen Tries - IN STUDIO - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: September 7, 2020

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Really appreciate it. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally? You merely adopted the dark. I was born in it, molded by it. Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? When she pick it up every time she's on the top, molded by it. Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? When she pick it up every time she starts to talk, give her the dick.

The stuff's dying. She'll be like, hello. What I'm doing? This is when you get it. What I'm doing? Oh, none. Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios, hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England,

these are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube. Ja! Upset me! Don't be a rat. Download, subscribe and tell a friend. It's the one and only. Have a word. Number four. number four right i was so ready for some childish swear word and he starts like a fucking like you like your dad

sitting you down for a chat you know before when you were having feelings in your special place i honestly thought you were going to start with like big tits or something you know before oh before i was in carl's washing my hands right hi everyone and um welcome like it was too hot so i turned the tap to cold and i was like how how does the tap get the water to be that cold so quickly? Oh, my God. Like, how does it? If you'd have asked me to guess how this pod was going to start. How did the tap make the water hot and cold?

Where does the rain come from? Is it God doing a wee-wee? So, go on. What's no wee wee? So go on, what's your official question? So it's dead hot in here. So then you turn it to cold. But like, it's like the tap water

they knew you were about to do that because it gets so cold so quickly. How does it know just stop making it hot? Yeah. So you're talking about one of them hot and cold through the same pipe

rather than the two separate yeah yeah erm it's water's just cold innit

yeah but how does it know to stop making it hot like so quickly the tap the tap just doesn't make the water hot there's just a valve in it

I know guys I'm just fucking around alright for fuck's sake Jesus Christ I'm quite intelligent you know god you don't give me any credit you too yeah because you start podcasts like that i was like are we really dealing with this i was like i don't know i Jesus Christ

do you remember last week it was just bumble uh how did i touch it it's the thunder when god is angry was just bummo! How did I touch that? It's the thunder when God is angry. Are you mate? You alright? I'm okay mate yeah. I am. Yeah.

I do believe like the weather and that is related to some sort of spiritual realm. Oh Jesus. You know what I mean? What? Do you ever like

just notice like when you're in a bad mood it's always raining? Have you had a spl mean? What? Do you ever, like, just notice, like, when you're in a bad mood, it's always raining? Have you had a spliff? What did you do when you went to the range? What have you done? Some run-corn drug dealer has sold you some fucking... a flathead screwdriver and some ganja. When you're a kid, though,

you can understand how mythology has got, like, to where it is. So if you're a kid though it you can understand how mythology has got like to where it is so if you're in greece i mean that's like a mediterranean climate isn't it it's fucking when they get thunderstorms i remember being in cyprus for one of those army gigs and there was not a night there was a lightning storm and it was coming in off the coast and i you were like you know when you hear it you can either go oh fuck it i'll just go back to sleep it was so in off the coast and you were like, you know when you hear it, you can either go, oh, fuck it, I'll just go back to sleep. It was so ridiculous. I just got up at three in the morning and sat in front of the pool and watched it happen,

coming in, we were on a hill. You can understand how 3,000 years ago, in ancient Greece, they were like, the gods are angry. Zeus, he is the main god. He rains down his lightning bolts. It like totally makes sense. And now like, well, Hades is death.

Light and like, don't understand what that is. That's where you go when you're dead if you're good. And then under there, that burns. That's hot hell. Stingy. Oh, awful. That's where you go if you're bad. You can almost make, make like see how it works

but in 2020 just get like come on come on you shouldn't still be thinking like like there's those there's those guys isn't that like a couple of years ago like it we're getting global warming is because god is upset that gay people are getting married that's what it is and it's like like there's no evidence of that because obviously it's not true but like how wrapped up in your opinions have you got to be to see it raining and go i know god i hate gays is it because of the famine is it because there's world wars and like we're bombing yemeni children to death no it's because tom and dave are bombing during wedlock they're trying to get married in a church and look what's happening flooding in bangladesh what do you think about the holocaust do you think that affected weather i'm not really

bothered about that not bothered about that but gay weddings not in my building that i've made a special building i love it when they that's a that's a church you can't do a comedy gig and you can't swear in a church you can't wear denim in a church like mate it's a fucking building denim near my house you know people get pissy about like when you're going to church you gotta dress properly and you can't say that it's a nightclub in the 90s it's just a building that you made a special place yeah well it's like well i was a cunt in a comedy club well that's my church that's my special place don't come to where i am and be a bellend.

What a load of shit. I didn't know there was like dress, like a dress code for church ever. I know like back in the days, you used to have to wear a hat and that. I can really see you studying British Christianity. That was just everywhere. Men just wore hats.

Yeah. It was sort of better for it, wasn't it? I've seen like pictures of like lift people and all the men are wearing hats and you're like, it just wore hats. Yeah. It was sort of better for it, wasn't it? I've seen pictures of Liverpool and all the men are wearing hats, and you're like, it looks quite nice. Yeah. That's why you never had any skinheads. You didn't need it. You just wore a hat, and that's why I'm trying to bring back.

We were talking about this a bit last night, weren't we? Like the dress code thing from nightclubs, which me and Carl totally missed. We'd never had to dress a certain way. There's one rule in Liverpool. I don't know whether I've told you this on the pod yet. A lot of Liverpool nightclubs won't let you in if you've got a visible Hugo Boss logo.

You are getting the bullshit bell up. Okay, go on. Get ready. Oh, no, you've reacted differently. Oh, now you're smiling. So you'll queue up and they'll go, are you Hugo Boss, lad, yeah? Nah, lad. No, Hugo Boss lad Yeah Nah lad

No Hugo Boss There's like a Why because they're all Big Joe Lysette fans What's Because Because it's seen as like The Scali brand

Like Oh that's so snobby Yeah But even like the Shittest nightclubs Are like Not letting you in with Hugo Boss

Because if you got Hugo Boss You've probably also Got a fucking Stanley knife What about the perfume What about the Aftershave as well Are they like So like, not letting you in with Hugo Boss, because if you've got Hugo Boss, you've probably also got a fucking Stanley knife. What about the perfume? What about the aftershave as well?

And they're like... Me as that boss orange! Get the fuck out! Davidoff Cool Water Minimum around here. What the fuck? Are you kidding? You're not even allowed Hugo Boss boxies on. Like, if you've got... Like, if they...

Dorman doesn't like a look at you when you're into a club. Like, I've seen them go, like, pull your boxies up. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. That's... You're not doing... No one's doing a knicker check. Ask him.

The nightclubs I used to go to, they used to have a feel around for pills, not for fucking designer labels. No, they make you like... Like, you'll be queuing... Come off it. I'm not having it. You have to go...

No, no no no this is bullshit that's not true fucking insane could you imagine if I got mine on they were like are them fucking

white fronts lad I don't give a fuck they're from next you only have to get the top out you have to show them the brand you know the brand

that goes around this is a Calvin Klein fucking tidy whiteys right it's not bullshit. Swear to God. I've said it before on an earlier podcast. I think making people wear things that they don't want to wear

in nearly every walk of life is absolutely ridiculous. Yeah. Unless, like, you're a nurse. I get if you're a paramedic, should be turning up in like sweat he's like oh you're all right you're having a heart attack yeah yeah i'm just wearing my joggers they're dead comfy because you know when i get the defibrillator out i really need to feel relaxed but i think there should be uniforms for some stuff like i wouldn't want to go mackie d's and have everyone wearing like you know dirty their own clothes and stuff but i just feel like if you're getting that

job you know a uniform is part of it but when people are like you can't wear that in this place because we have a rule about what we make grown-ups fucking wear you're not me fucking dad like when a comedy club requests you wear like trousers i've had that before what you're paying me your cunts what are you paying me you've got to wear trousers and shoes at our club well I'm not doing

the gig am I unless you want to you can pay me more and go and put restrictions on but if you're playing standard comedy club money

I will wear a hoodie on a Saturday with jeans I'll wear a trackie we like to we like our compas to wear a a blazer at least

A shirt and trousers And that includes the women Who we make look like Fucking lesbians I can't stand it Are you saying That women Don't do that

Don't be doing that Don't be doing that I've already put my foot in it You don't need to You don't need to Press my foot down Are you saying I don't look at it

Are you saying That women can't wear suits And that they don't belong in press my foot down. Are you saying that women can't wear suits and that they don't belong in them? Because that's for men and people who are more masculine. Oh, no, I'm not saying that. I'm just highlighting the problem on your side, sisters. I can't stand it. Apart from when it gets to the price threshold.

£1,000, we'd like you to wear a suit. All right, I'll wear a fucking chicken suit. £1, thousand pounds we'd like you to just wear a sock on your dick and come completely no no no that's two that's two grand that that is two grand that awful feeling when you're a corporate gig and they're like well it's two and a half grand will you do this and you're like i will for the money we've worked in bars before together where they've made us wear like white button up shirts and those bars like are just never as fun are they to work in because first of all

you've got a white shirt on when you're making cocktails and it's like if I get a bit of creme de cassis on this the night is fucking over. Tell you what he knows the industry doesn't he? All the cocktail barmen went fucking Adam know the creme de cassis. Creme de cassis.

We just say cassis. What's that Portuguese jizz? All right. Yeah, cool people just say cassis. Yeah, I get how, if you're a business, I get how you're like, we like our staff to wear black or whatever. Yeah, but just like black t-shirts are sound,

and they've got a logo of the bar that you're in on the back, or a small one, or even a big one. I'm not really arsed, but just... The Stand Comedy Club, you can wear your clothes, and they've got these cheesy waistcoats that you look like you're a member of staff at a wacky warehouse or something. But I get it. It's basically like, look like you're a like a member of staff at like a wacky warehouse or something but i get it it's basically like wear what you want be sensible but just will you

just stick that on so members of the public know that if they drop a glass they can be like oh you're wearing a stand vest mate because you could we've just dropped this i think that's like a nice half and half but name badges as well name badges it's so cringy like here at uh will coast we really like our fucking horrible customers to be able to name you while they're being a cunt to you it's not enough that you already work for like eight pound fifty an hour at best ever used that information after though, have they? No one ever goes, Barbara, where's the... Because that would be weird.

If you're in Asda and it says, John, happy to help, you don't go up and go, hiya, John, mate, where's the biscuit aisle? You go over and go, excuse me, mate, where's the biscuit aisle? It's basically, you are just giving a weapon to cunts because normal, nice people, it almost feels... I don't know if this is just me that makes this up it almost feels weirdly eggy if you read their name while you're talking to them excuse me ian could you show me i would never ever would you use their name not in that context but

when you're being nice and funny and personable yeah yeah yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it just seems a bit odd. I feel like they'd be like, even though they've got a badge on, they'd be like, the fuck are you calling me Ian for? It happened yesterday. I was in the bank and there was a lady helping me and she was really fumbly, like, oh, I'm so sorry. And I went, it's okay, Faye. And she laughed.

Oh, because you read a tit. Is it just me as a man? It feels like someone's name badge on the tit, it feels like an intrusion. Sorry about that, Amanda. And they're like, don't you dare read my tit name. So are you saying women should wear it somewhere else to appease your feelings?

Right on the flaps. So like to read the name, you have to be like. Do you know what I've just remembered? Actually, I'm talking a bit of shit because what you saw, I'm not being like personal on that. This really bothered me at the time. So I was, I can't remember where it was. Tesco?

Let's say it was Tesco. And I was like, and I went, thanks, Andrew, or whatever. And he went, oh, my name's not Andrew. I've just borrowed someone's badge. And I went, well, then what is the fucking point of having someone else's name on you? Yeah.

So you just have to wear the badge. Because he's Nick in Gillette Mac three blades, that's why. Andrew, we're going to have to speak to you in the office. We found Gillette Mac three blades in your backpack before you go home. All right, cool. Can we do that meeting tomorrow? Little side note, by the way,

you mentioned the wacky warehouse there. Why is there no adult wacky warehouse? What? You mentioned the wacky warehouse before, and I haven't stopped thinking about the Wacky Warehouse since you said it, because I want to go to the Wacky Warehouse, but I don't think...

Well, I mean, they're meant to be for kids, aren't they? Those sort of, like... Meant to be. Inflatable parks. Yeah. The Wacky Warehouse is, like, indoors, isn't it? And, like, slides... A ball pool and a slide.

But now they've raised the game of children's entertainment centres to the state that it's almost worth the ball ache of having a kid just to be able to take them to an inflatable fuck around park Runcorn's got one and I'm not joking, if we ever get the chance, we should go around the corner

it's a tenner, you get two hours in it and it is absolutely tremendous, massive inflatables slides, two huge ball poles, and you allowed on it as an adult? Yeah, it it's not for kids it's an inflatable park there will be after 6 p.m like an adult only zone because sometimes you're in there like my big fear as a dad of a small kid is this is why we don't go on the school holidays because there's like this is like the kiddies bit the little kiddies bit but but you can't tell my three-year-old like stay in this smaller shit bit when she's like look at that fucking slide

and then there's some like there's like some 13 year olds who are basically going from rugby practice to the fucking inflatable park they're like tackling each other this is what we play for and then my daughter who's got no sense of danger, is like, la, la, la, ooh, big boys. I hate that. But I honestly, it's so fun. You're meant to sort of have a kid, I think, in the day, but I don't think there's any rules. It means like a christening.

Like, you know, like a Sunday afternoon christening. And it's like they've booked like a function room and they've got the kids a bouncy castle. It's always good that like half an hour where they go, kids, all get off off because let's have the adults have a go and you just have to you just get like drop kick your mates

and all that it's phenomenal isn't it there's not a mosh pit yeah it's fucking great is that a thing by the way

I remember asking someone else this a while back you are full of questions today Adam I've got a weird buzzy energy and I've had a coffee

for the first time in two weeks so right love it do you I love it when he's like I've got a weird buzzy energy and I've had a coffee for the first time in two weeks so right love it do you I love it when he's like is a christened party

a thing for you like when Etta got christened did you have a party when Etta got what is she not christened is she fuck christened why

because I'm not having her indoctrinated into that shit before she chooses to better schools when the christened oh god it makes me so angry yeah but she's not christened can't get in. Oh God, it makes me so angry.

Yeah, but she's not christened and I'm going to fight my damnedest to stop her being christened. We're not really this religion. Amen.

Wearing pants. Now you're this religion as well. Water on the head. What the fuck are we doing? Just because she wants to go to a C of E school round the corner.

Just so we don't have to Are you christened? Yes, to get in my I like my high school. go to a C of E school around the corner. Are you christened? Yes, to get in my... I like my high school. Hutton C of E. And if you deaf or want to get in, they take in some non-christened... What is it?

Like Anglican or whatever. Not Anglican. What do I mean? Church of England. But yeah, it was... If you want to be clever, you get christened. So I got christened at eight

in a real... Me getting christened at eight in a real like a me getting christened at eight my dad is so atheist my mum's my mum was religious but my dad was like fuck that never fuck that it was like you know when deco became like you know when these portuguese players become brazil or brazil brazilian players it was like that like you know you know like the African lads who play for like Russia and you're like what the fuck

like when France won the World Cup but like Patrick Vieira and even on his football sticker it said place of base Senegal like there was loads of African players in the French team it really

like I've already at that point I'd already played for the under 23s in atheism but then I'm getting a full cap at being C of e it felt like that yeah um that's yeah so i didn't and i don't want to put my kids through it i will because because of that's how our stupid school system works and honestly if there was a load of shit

primary schools in measures and there was a muslim muslim faith school have Laura in a fucking burqa and we'd be turning up like, you know, Salaam Alaikum. Because that is how ridiculous the British education system is. You've got linked to fake religion that you're not. I get it if you are genuinely religious, but I'm into Zuth because you know when he's angry. Lightning bolts.

Where's my primary school? I would get me kid christened to get them into a good school i would but i i would be like saying to them the whole the whole time like not joining christian and like no this is all bullshit no it's all but like throughout their life imagine if like and we do this in the name of the father i would like tell them you're going to be doing a lesson called RA religious education and you just need to know like you don't need to believe

that stuff like I don't your ma doesn't I might do you know what I mean like just shut up

yeah it sounds and you don't have to do your RA homework I'd tell them that as well you don't have to do your RA homework if you get homework for RA

you don't have to do it it's good it's good studying RA because it's not just your religion is it it's other religions as well wait You don't have to do your R.E. homework. If you get homework for R.E., you don't have to do it. It's good studying R.E. because it's not just your religion, is it? It's other religions as well. Someone said that to us, right? Do you remember getting taught about any other religion in school? Because we went to the same school.

I feel like it was pretty Catholic heavy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because Catholics are like the ultras of Christianity, aren't they? They're not fucking about like, ah, what about Islam you dirty little bastard don't fucking talk

about that shite have I told you the story about St. Eddie's when I tried to get in no so there's a there's a private

it's not private semi-private nice school in our area called St. Edwards you have to do an interview to get in don't you yeah

so I got through the interview do you love God basically Jesus I love God. You had to get a letter from the priest of your parish. St. Eddie's. St. Edward's.

Sounded like a right fucking... Yeah, he's a patron saint of fucking tracky buttons. St. Eddie's. We've got some different fucking saints in Liverpool. St. Eddie's. St. Darren saints in Liverpool. St. Eddies. St. Darren. St. Daz is fucking sound. He's the painstaking saint of like fucking 10 bags of weed.

St. Jono. St. Lat. But you have to get a letter from the priest. And I don't go to church. I'm an atheist too. So why didn't you just make a fake letter so i was a fucking 11 year old child what kind of fucking future deviant it writes like my name is father lemo and i think fucking carl is a dead god lad he loves loves Jesus. He doesn't think Jesus is a nonce.

Lots of love. Father Lemo. P.S. Defo let him in the school. Everton forever. Everton forever. What kind of fucking future bank robber would be capable of that level of lie okay i'm getting saint eddie's now mate signed duncan ferguson

have you got a letter from the priest? No, no. We're fucking club legend. Let me just write the time down. Anyway, so I had to pretend I went to the church. So for two weeks, me and my mum, we were like, we'll go to church for two weeks. So the priest... Did you just go to the churches and just take selfies and that?

Yeah. Anyway... That's what we did. We had to go for an interview, sit down, cup of tea in a vicar's house. In the house? Yeah, yeah. We had to go for an interview, sit down, cup of tea in a vicar's house, in the house. Yeah, yeah. So we went,

we'll go for two weeks, we'll make our face known and then we'll say, hiya, I need a letter, blah, blah, blah. So the first time we went, it's like,

we'll go on this day, I can't remember what day it was. St. Paul's, my local parish. Me and mum go in. I don't know the fucking schedule of the church. Yeah.

We just went at some time and we sit at the front and we're like, right, if the priest comes out, we'll just like, say what's happening and that's how he sees us. I don't know the fucking schedule of the church. Yeah. We just went at some time, and we sat at the front, and we were like, right, if the priest comes out, we'll just say what's happening on that till he sees us. Yeah, so you went to the church because you needed the priest to sign his letter, so you were like,

I need to make sure the priest notices me. Yeah, I needed to make my face known about town in the fucking church world. Hey, Father! You know what you should have done? I love God. Should have wore some denim. Go town in the fucking church world.

Hey, Father. You know what you should have done? I love God. Should have wore some denim. And the priest comes out doing the fucking rock eyebrow. In my church. Like, oh, sorry, like, we're here every week. I always wear denim.

Didn't know it was a problem. Then you're in. We're sitting there. We're the only people in there. And it slowly starts, like, filling up. But, like, sporadically. Yeah. I'm like, oh, there must be, like, a service. I don't know what the script is.

I've never been. Oh, my God, start like sitting i'm like oh the police will be here any minute so we're sitting on the second row this is the god's honest truth i know what's coming the front row on the other side films and then a couple in front of us film oh there must be like a fucking showing did you sit on the second row you said? A show in? Yeah, but you know, like he sat on the,

he's done the comedy club thing. He sat on the second row because he didn't want to get picked on. And the priest starts coming out doing his crowning. Gives a cheer to being before. He's like, yeah, I mean every week.

I was cheering. Who's drinking the body of Christ? The blood of Christ? Oh, mate. Amazing. Anyway, we're sitting there and it's filling up. I love the priest doing the fucking comparison. What's your name?

What's your job? Are you a couple? Are you married? Well, then get out of my church. You're living in sin. Sorry, sorry, sorry. The music starts, like the intro music,

whatever it is, and it sounds a bit dark. Oh no. You know what I mean? It's quite like, and I know church isn't a happy place per se, but like it's a bit like dim. Yeah.

This is weird, isn't it? So we turn around. Everyone's crying like, Jesus, they really take Catholicism fucking seriously in this one. As we turn around, a coffin comes. Oh, yeah. Did you wonder why all the guys were doing a Reservoir Dogs tribute in fucking black shirt, black ties and white shirt?

No, but it wasn't like an obvious fume. It's probably like someone old who hasn't got many people. It wasn't like a a you know what I mean an obvious funeral an obvious funeral I know exactly what it means mate

if you die young you have a banging funeral yeah the younger you die the bigger your funeral by the time you're like 90 it's like a Tuesday night at a shit comedy club

no one's in there if you die at 15 fuck me it's Saturday night and it's banging but you know what happened so usually when this is a bit morbid 15, fuck me, it's Saturday night and it's banging. But you know what happened? So usually when, this is a bit morbid,

when you carry a coffin, it's high, isn't it? It's on your shoulder and it's slow. Right. He must have been a big lad because he came in low. Yeah. Like they were holding it low and they opened the door with it. You sure it wasn't a raid and they were just fucking... Like a SWAT team.

How did he die? How the fuck do you think he died? Big fat bastard. So we just slithered across the pew and got off. So sorry for your loss. Father, we need a letter. All right. What did he say? No denim. Father, we need a letter. All right. What did he say?

No denim. Right, next. We came back the next week and we told him the story and he laughed and he gave us the letter. Oh, good lad. How have we been best friends

for 12 fucking years and I don't know that story. He gave us the letter based on that. He was like, fair play. Like, I get that must have been different. Oh, man. Gave me the letter. You actually had to go and sit in the vicar's house

and you weren't allowed to just do it once. You had to go a couple of times. Ugh, what a stupid fucking system. Do you reckon that's not really the tradition, but they just, like, they get a bit lonely? And they're like, I don't think you wanted to do it. It's just a really, like, really fusty, like, early 90s, stupid old-fashioned system just horrible i look at my

life then and i'm looking at my life now like sitting in a comedy club last night absolutely ripping the shit and you're like oh it's so it's being a grown-up so much better in it no one gets to go um can we go and sit in a vicar's house for an hour and cringe so you want to eat your own face now just get to sit around at hot water having the fucking time of my life. I suppose like vicars don't get that lonely because they can get married and I can't, eh? Like, priests can't even wank. I feel like there is a natural progression

for this conversation and I don't think I'm emotionally ready for it. Are you talking, yeah. But like, priests aren't meant to do that, are they? What, touch kids? Yeah, it's pretty, it's it's not yeah that's not allowed like they turn a blind eye to it but it's not it's not i mean they have done yeah it's not like it's not part of the contract is it do you know me they're meant to not like no yeah it is morally

and legally but even like wanking they're not allowed to do that either I don't know where's that in the bible which chapter of the new testament well you're not meant to wank at all if you're super religious and you're not allowed to get married because you're married to God aren't you

you're married to the church yeah that's right nuns are married to God, aren't you married to the church? Yeah. No, that's right. Priests. Nuns. No, priests aren't married. That's nuns. Nuns are married to God.

Right, but... They're married to God. Priests aren't allowed. Yeah, but they're not married. That'd be a gay marriage, wouldn't it? What? That'd be a gay marriage. Yeah, I don't think they're...

Yeah, I know what you mean. Are you saying God's a man? Yeah. Well... Oh, God. There's a black man called Morgan Freeman. Very nicely done.

I really feel like we skirted around child sex abuse scandal and went into an Evan Almighty reference very smoothly there, Karl. I'm glad you're on board. Fucking hot water was good last night, wasn't it? Genuinely, I've just wasn't it? genuinely so fun it was you pissed me off so we did hot water together last night

two shows the early show was good and then the late show so it was me, Dan, Danny McLaughlin who we've mentioned a few times and Paul Smith who's already been on as a guest I'm sure you all know who he is a fucking good builder

that crowd is getting a good night that's four absolute killers who can also do crowd work we've mentioned on the podcast before for those who are initiated for comedy the middle spot on a bill is the easiest spot on the bill if there's three acts

it's the easiest one on the bill if there's three acts yeah it's it's the easiest one to do and there's just there's a handful of comedians who shouldn't be allowed to do that spot because the gig is over before the headliner goes on now last night i was asked to headline the gig i was asked to close and they put this cunt in the middle and he just decided to have the best gig i've seen anyone have at hot water in about four years i was stood at the back with becca at my mate and i didn't even say anything and at one point she just rubbed me back and said it'll be okay that's such a funny stuff it was it was cracking and it um it was great because i i brought back a bit we've been talking about it on the pod a lot which bits are you bringing back which bits are you dumping what

are your new bits that you're taking forward it's so exciting at the moment being a stand-up we were saying last night like you're going on stage going it's better to be a bit looser your old stuff feels unpracticed your new stuff is weirdly fresh because that's the stuff you thought of during the lockdown and then that fight in a child bit i sort of dumped it a year ago i had it for about six months and i was like oh it's not working and it's the weirdest thing time and the lockdown has made me go i really want to bring that back and i just thought i'd try it last night and as i was i was halfway through it going holy shit how do i drop this bit

it was so much fun it was so good but not just that because we were talking about being in the dressing room area and sitting around we knew we'd miss it and i even i've even like sat got in the car ready to do a drive and put my ipod on and thought oh i'm gonna ring barry dodds or something and gone oh god this is fun like the ritual but sitting there last night all cracking on and sitting in the green room just like talking shit like we say a lot of stuff on this podcast and especially on the patreon if you haven't signed up to patreon yet again little plug patreon.com slash have a word pod. You get an extra episode every week.

And we go a bit further on the Patreon because we know that they're the biggest fans of the podcast, the biggest fans of us. And we say some shit that we probably shouldn't say and make it available for public download. But when you put four comedians in a green room

and no one can ever hear that again, some of the shit that gets said because you're just all trying to top each other you're trying to be the most ridiculous and the most out there i've missed it like i thought i missed gigging just being on stage and i absolutely have missed being on stage but i think i've missed that more yeah that backstage especially at clubs like hot water or the comedy store or the glee where they have like two shows in a day when there's a few and you're not just tearing up you all do you set and dart off when you've got to get there for seven o'clock to do an early show then a break and then a late

show and you're all just there for a few hours and you can really get into being mates and having a laugh again it's cathartic isn't it it's just fucking sick and i love it and yeah if it was put out as a record people like well why don't you do that as a podcast because what was what was it john bishop said that he's never met a comedian that's like couldn't believe that so john bishop did an interview and chortle picked it up right so chortle's like a comedy industry website um John Bishop said, I respect every comedian I've ever met. I've never heard a comedian be judgmental about another comma. I don't think you've played hot water

when me, Adam and Danny Mac are in the same fucking room. You and your... Comedians are cunts. Funny, lovely cunts. Adam and Danny Mac are in the same fucking room. You and your just, like... Is that me? Comedians are cunts. Funny, lovely cunts, but cunts. It's a bit like, you know, footballers. You're telling me, you're telling me, Messi plays fucking, like, Real Varagoffa

and doesn't go, just like leans over to Suarez going I fucking right bag dog shit in it you know what I mean like he's proper

fucking yeah you don't just like people off to their face as a comedian because we're nice you do it behind the back because you sound that

or you do it on a patron episode of a podcast how's your head doing because ting's been going on, ain't it? Yeah, we won't make

a massive deal of this, but our regular listeners, the people who've been in with this from day one will know, you know, Dan has got a wife and child and his wife is called Laura and we've mentioned

our partners a lot in it. I've mentioned Jade, who we've broke up and it was time to do it. Like, I care for her so much. I'm glad we've broke up, and it was time to do it. Like, I care for her so much. I'm glad we've done it in a way that we can go away and not hate each other

and try and move on properly and all that. But it was just time to call it a day. And it's horrible. Breakups are horrible. They're never nice. It was an awful conversation and whatever. But it's the right thing for both of us. And they're just shit, aren't they?

But it's done now. And I feel like our partners have been so intertwined with the way we talk on this podcast. I wasn't necessarily going to tell everyone the week of, but it only takes us to go to do a reference or to get a question this week, like what does Jade think of this? It's disingenuous to be like...

And we've always been so honest with our listeners. Like, it's over um yeah i've got news as well i've pied laura off as well she's been doing my fucking head in so yeah i just think it's a clean break for both of us in it yeah you know what i mean it's me and you she's always like responsibilities we've got a kid like bore off yeah and we're adding a 15 pound tier to the patreon where you can suck our d dick no i just like you know what i've actually made a mess and now even though i'm like a comedian i'm like uh babe i'm only joking i love you so much love you so much thanks for i love you thanks for being amazing um yeah all right well

it's a it's a reality and it's so funny that this podcast is so like we talk about our lives so much and we'd like other podcasts like no we're going to talk about murderers or we're going to talk about sports ours is our life yeah and what's been going on i felt like you need to like and i haven't told my little brother yet it felt more important to tell our listenership than our Jack. So, it's for the best. We're both going to be a lot happier. And that's genuinely the truth. There you go, guys.

I love you all. Oh, one thing. Do us a favor. I know how lovely our listeners are and there might be a temptation here to send me a tweet going, sorry to hear about you and Jade, blah, blah, blah.

Do us a favor. Don't do that. I don't need it. I i'm okay i've got a great support network around me and i also the less i can think about it the better and also i don't want here to see it and be like are we getting a lot of support from fans and whatever and get upset at anything so i really appreciate any of those thoughts but you can keep them to yourself if that's okay all right cool let's have a little short break and we'll be back with some nonsense now then lids i want to tell you about trans alloy wheels limited alloy wheel refurbishments car body work and customization services in leeds and throughout west yorkshire basically these guys can sort your wheels out

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Get them on Facebook, Insta, online, the lot. Nice one, lads. I don't know about you, but I'm feeling triggered. It must be Have A Word with Adam and Dave. Okay. Got a couple of questions. Welcome back. I think this is going to be an interesting one.

We've just been talking about gigging at Hot Water. Dan Johnson. Hiya, Dan. You email in quite regularly, and they're really good questions and suggestions. He says, I was just watching videos on YouTube from Hot Water, and it made me think of the success that they've had from their online presence and genuinely launching the careers of Paul and even Freddie Quinn.

All right, Dan, let's not get carried away. I have noticed, though, that some bits are on there in full, a solid 14-minute routine for Freddie, and then only the occasional bit of Dan and Adam's. You mentioned about burning of material and when it's been put on a special, and I was interested to know how Hot Water go about distribution of people's materials. Do you have to agree to allow them to burn a bit

by posting it? And more importantly, how do you work with them to decide which bits you bang on YouTube? So it's a good question. I like it. I like how, because we talk about stand-up and people are watching this on youtube they're also going out and finding the hot hot waters online presence has made hot water what it is the facebook videos the youtube videos i love it how they're then

going well hang on why is there only short bits here but huge long bits there um so the answer is hot water film everything every single moment of every show is filmed and they they at the minute obviously things are a bit in flux because of covid and that but they had a system in place where backstage there was a sheet and if you were one of the comedians on the night you just put whatever you'd put your name on it and go uh the bit about sausage rolls uh I'd like that to go on YouTube and if you didn't fill one of those forms in, you just not and went online they had

their Monday night shows where they used to have like nine acts on doing five minutes each, they were specifically for filming, so the idea was if you go down on a Monday, you're going to film a five minute set to go on YouTube and you sort of had to let them use that because they were like, that's the night. We'll always have nine videos

a week going online then. Yeah. The reason Freddie will have had a long go on there is what's probably happened is Freddie's done either a bit of crowd work or a 14 minute bit of material. And it's gone really well one night. And he he's probably gone that bit's never gone that well so i might as well use that recording and then he'll ask them to put it online and the way they do it is they put everything i believe on youtube every clip goes on youtube and then the ones that do well on youtube they put on social media and i've got an agreement i don't know where adam is like they've asked me several times what can I put up and I say everything

if you think there's a good clip, stick it on now I'm getting ready to film like a 45 minute hour special not a special, a mini special because I want to get some content filmed properly and there's a couple of clips that they've got up there that I might ask them

to bring down because it's going to clash they're fine with that i'm happy i'm like i've been doing it a while but i'm i love this online content thing i think it's great brilliant and i'm all for it sometimes there are little issues with like oh hang on i'm trying to produce that and it's the same as this but that's fine because you've got a good relationship with the people i would never let some comedy clubs whack my material online. No. It's a special relationship you've got with Hot Water. It's the same with the Frog and Bucket in Manchester,

but it also relies on me being able to go, hang on, can I take that down? I don't like that bit. And they're so sound with it. But those bits that happen in the moment with the crowd, oh my God, stick them all up line. Oh yeah, yeah. Because they're gone.

They can't be repeated totally so what i say to them is any comparing or crowd where can go online but just don't put any material on unless i ask for it and they're like sound so i'm making a conscious effort now as gigs are coming back obviously we've brought carl in to produce this but you know there's not a million hours of work in a week and we need to give carl a full-time job because we need him here we can't like we can't tell carl we'll give you a bit a few hours but you need to find a full-time thing because as this grows we're going to need him more and more and i said to him like from now on i think i'm just going to take carl to every

gig with me and film absolutely everything i do because the amount of times i do the glee in birmingham or the frog and bucket in manchester or a comedy club that just don't have their own cameras up and you do a bit of crowd work and you destroy it you're like and that'll never happen again because it relies on that heckle or that thing from the audience yeah and such a shame is it to just it just gets lost into the fucking exactly and you know, it's sort of a bit shit that the industry has gone this way that you feel like everything has to be sort of become a commodity and monetized or not monetized, but be turned into content. You can't just live in the live moment.

And you will always get more from these moments if you're in the room. There's nothing better than live comedy. We can put all the videos in the world but the best way to enjoy comedy is in a comedy club as far as I'm concerned it's better than big theatres

as far as I'm concerned but the best advert for it is those videos isn't it totally it's how I sell my tickets like I've done bits of TV as we've talked about and you know

a couple of nice things coming up but people come and see me on tour because of my stand up videos on the internet that's why they come no one's coming and see me on tour because of my stand-up videos on the internet. That's why they come.

No one's coming to see me on tour because I did one of the shows on Channel 4 last year. There's no one going, oh, I'm now totally into this guy. They find one of your clips, and then they find the second one, and if they like both of them, they'll then go to YouTube and go, I want as much of this guy as possible, and then they come on tour. It's the way the industry's going you've got to have a lot of stuff available for free for people to consume that's how it is hey and if you own a comedy club you're like ah we don't really do that get on board because it is the future and if you want to get left behind like this is honestly now we're there's still like it we're at the tipping point, but it's only going one way.

And in 10 years, comedy clubs will see a 4K camera and the recording equipment and the editing software the same way they see lights, chairs, and a microphone. There are now, I'd say, three comedy clubs, maybe four, or is it three in the UK there's Hot Water and a couple of others that are trying to do it

and by the way they're not doing the full works and they're going yeah we could do that and loads of other clubs going no we don't we've never done it

you're like I don't care what you've never done get on board the other club that I know really try and do it is Top Secret Comedy Club in London yeah

oh yeah yeah forgot about them they have one camera at the back, and they film everything. They ask people, can they put stuff up? They haven't got the online. It's sort of weird, because Hot Water were first to the market with this.

Nailed it. Their growth means that, for me, personally, if I'm going to put a routine out, not on my own channel. As a comic, selfishly, you want sort of everything to be on your thing. You want it to be on my YouTube channel and my Facebook. Because then you get, it's easier for people to find you that way. But if I'm going to put it on someone else's thing,

you're going to put it on the one that's got 200,000 followers. Rather than another comedy club that's got 500. I actually think it's quite difficult now because Hot Water started this and then a lot of comedians tried to jump on it and go, well, I'm going to put loads of content out. There's a lot of content out there, but everyone's playing catch up

and there's so much out there. But Hot Water's become such a brand, such a recognisable logo and backdrop, like orangey brick wall with the big smile in the middle. People almost see that as a stamp of quality now. Yeah, yeah. So they'll watch your clip because it's there, whereas there'll be people scrolling past videos

at Top Secret or somewhere else, because they're like, unless they know who you are, they're like, I'm not watching that. But if they go to Hot Water, they'll watch someone they've never heard of, because they go, oh, it's there. That place is great. I've seen those other videos from other clubs, and they've got a camera, and they've got heard of because they go, oh, it's there. That place is great. I've seen those other videos

from other clubs and they've got a camera and they've got the editing and it's not the same standard. So even if the actual, the bit of material or the comedian's good, they have not got like,

Hot War have improved it. I even remember a couple of years ago, I was like, that camera's in the wrong place slightly. Guess what? They're fucking geniuses. They worked it out that i now look at that camera shot and i'm like oh it's so good it's so perfect and you watch the top secret one the comedian in bright and they're doing it the comedian bath the frog and you're like you've done it kind of but it's not right and you're in it you're I think in 10 years, 4K camera setups with editing will be a part of the deal, and there'll be clubs that have just disappeared by the wayside

because they were just like, oh, we didn't do it. I'm definitely going to start doing more crowd work videos. I naturally now, especially at the minute because we're just coming back I go into crowd work even in my sets because I find it fun and exciting. Feel alive. Like last night at the early show

I got like 15, 12, 15 minutes in and I just noticed there was a bit of crackle in the room and I was like what's it? I'll talk about that. And I just started and the last 10 of crackle in the room, and I was like, what's this? I'll talk about that. And I just started, and the last 10 minutes of my set was not my set.

I was just fucking around, and it feels so much more fun. I enjoy doing it, and as you say, you're not actually burning any material because it'll never happen again. And if it does happen again, then you're doing hack shite, aren't you? If you're doing crowd work, that could happen tomorrow night.

It's probably a bit shit. So the bits that are in the moment like that, like when I've gone on tour before, in the past I've like, sometimes I just send my opening act on. I get them to do 20 minutes, then I go on and do me hour. But I think from now on,

I'm going to do sort of what Paul Smith does. And I've done this a few times as well. You did it when we did Chester. Yeah, go on and do my hour. But I think from now on, I'm going to do sort of what Paul Smith does. And I've done this a few times as well. You did it when we did Chester. Yeah, go on, compare it. No, not when we did Chester. You compared for me that night, sort of thing, you went on. Oh, sorry, it was Manchester, wasn't it?

Manchester, yeah. So I go on and I go, I'm going to do 15 to 20 minutes of pure crowd work, none of me tour show, and then go, it makes the opener's job a lot easier, by the way. If you go on and do 15 to 20 minutes and warm crowd work, none of me tour show, and then go, it makes the opener's job a lot easier, by the way. If you go on and do 15 to 20 minutes and warm them up,

and then go, look, I've got a mate with me, he's fucking sick, here he is, it legitimises the opener. You feel like a made man, you're like, I'm here,

he likes me, he's told you that he likes me. And then you go on and you do your tour show, but it does, I tell you what that does, noticeably, it makes, when you're on tour, people have paid to see you. And I'm not a big deal by any means. I'm not Paul Smith.

I don't play those size venues. But there's still a, we're going to see Adam Rowe tonight. The first time they see you is when they're the most excited. So the reason, selfishly, that in the past, the majority're the most excited yeah so the reason selfishly that in the past the majority of the time i just send the opener on and say can you just do 20 minutes and warm them up and then we'll have a break and then i'll go on it's because save that magic like it's because when i walk on i got they're like yes this is the guy we've paid to see and that first 20 minutes flies because they've still got that this guy energy oh my god the guy we've paid to see. And that first 20 minutes flies because they've still got that,

this guy energy. Oh my God, the guy we've paid to see. Oh my God, when you did the arena. When you did the arena, the big room. Oh my God, when you walked out, because I intro'd you. Yeah. Fucking hell, that noise when you walked on.

Even though I was walking off the stage, I got a dick tingle. Yeah, that was a special special night that 1300 people who've paid like I get like emotional when there's

80 people in a fucking art center in fucking Colchester 1300 people going fucking bananas

is something you just never forget it's very very very few human beings will ever know what that feels like do you know what i mean it'd be bad if you actually cried though it's a victoria's secret

but yeah um you do lose the the oh this guy thing when you do it when i go on first and compare you get that for the crowd where right but then you lose if you show but if your show's good it doesn't matter you're still gonna smash it they're still there to see you but you do lose that it's about two percent but it's a noticeable two percent no mate it's so good that stand-up's back in it yeah it's just love the stand-up back oh singing now i. Now, I am annoyed about this, that so many people have given a positive response to last week's Adam's Human Jukebox.

Because, I'll be honest, I mean, when you thought Mark Morrison wasn't black was one of the highlights of my week. People have sent in some suggestions. So they want more. They just need more of your talent cool look there's no joke in his face he's like yes yeah this is i'm good at this hi lids this is from tom furlong sounds like a euphemism yeah i'd like a bit i think you're drinking dicks

I'm not I think you're drinking dicks because of the periphery because of my glasses I'm like what's he doing just thinking like I haven't done anything I'll sit here

he says I'd like a bit of Jamiroquai Space Cowboy from Adam the next time you do Adam's jukebox do you know Jamiroquai

is the one I can't do what are you on about I can't do Jamiroquai I just can't I don't know how to do his voice this is the return of the space cowboy

it's a planetary good vibes oh now I'm doing Fick and Bub as well of the space cowboy it's a planetary good vibes oh now I'm doing Fick and Bob as well I just I've never been able to do Jamiroquai

he's the one that like I struggle with he I tell you what Jamiroquai was like in the middle of Britpop and everyone

this was when I was like 15, 16 96, 97 and everyone was like... Hang on, no, it's James Blunt I can't do. Sorry. I don't really know. Is this the other one that starts with a J?

Yeah, James Blunt's just got too much of a normal voice. Whoa, what's the James Blunt one like? I saw a girl on a train. You're beautiful. Like I say, it's just, it's not good. That's it. This is the return of the space cowboy. There's a brand new day rare.

They came out and they were doing like a funk soul, like, and everyone was like, right, I'm Oasis. You're Blur, Oasis, Blur, maybe Pulp. And like Ocean Color Scene, The Verve. Everyone was into it. And then Jamiroquai came out. What about this? And everyone was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That as well. Everyone loved Space Cowboy. Even though everyone was Britpop, indie, indie, indie. And we were all about it. But literally all of us were like, oh, yeah, fucking Jamiroquai as well. Well cool. That guy with the... Have you seen the Hatsi War on the live shows? and we were all about it but literally all of us were like no yeah fucking Jamiroquai as well well cool that guy with the have you seen the hats he wore on the live shows

like an African and he'd do the dancing he's got a collection of Ferraris cool motherfucker oh did you see Adele by the way Adele's cancelled skinny Adele yeah

I seen a tweet that really made me laugh it said Adele went from hello to wagwan because she wore the little walnut whips in her hair I seen a tweet that really made me laugh. It said, Adele went from hello to wagwan. Because she wore the little walnut whips in her hair and put Jamaican flags on her smaller tits. Yeah, yeah. Everyone was like that. Well, I see- Not everyone.

No. About three bellends were like, oh, yes, I'm sorry. I've seen a combination of people who are from Jamaican heritage going, can everyone shut the fuck up? She literally got a Jamaican to do her hair for her. This is not cultural appropriation because she's actually using Jamaican people and paying them to do this stuff.

And then there was other people who were like, well, I still find it offensive. And I'm sure, like, I don't know enough about that to really weigh in on it. But I just think it's so, like... P.S., anyone complaining on Twitter hasn't been to the Notting Hill Carnival. Because that is what it is.

And I think anyone who knows the Notting Hill Carnival... My mate used to live in fucking... Not Notting Hill. What do I mean? Yeah, Notting Hill, near Portobello Road. And that is the whole deal, and it's always been that deal. It's like, it is West African, and it's all of that Caribbean influence,

but it's not black people doing their thing and white people going, respectfully, I enjoyed it. La, la, la, la, la. Please don't piss in the garden. Even though there is that going on, it is that, it's a melting pot. It's meant to be that like

so for everyone to be on twitter because that's what she was doing she was doing an ode to the the notting hill carnival like this is it was the weekend of the carnival yeah this is what i'd have been wearing they were absolutely disgusting oh did you see this was a few years ago a kid in america had got braids in and a black a black girl was like trying to pull them out and like going you don't get to do this you're like i get that there's a lot of like been like there's a lot of ill feeling and hurt and because of all of the history of black culture suppression civil rights everything but just when you're trying to pull a kid's fucking braids out you think we might go in a bit too far the other way when you're trying to pull a kid's fucking braids out, do you think we might be going a bit too far the other way?

When we're whinging about Adele, I loved it when everyone just came to her like, what are you on about? She looks great. It's part of it. Yeah, I think they're very complicated issues, aren't they? And I just like, I'm not getting involved. I'll talk about it, but I'm not really getting involved.

Crack on. If you want to be upset by it if you want to think it's sound I'm just going to be over here I'm going to do me you do you

we here at Havowood are very respectful of cultural appropriation could you do Sean Paul for us Sean Paul come and get it

come and get it all the way that's it when I'm having my go and I stuck a moment like you Sean Paul

Sean Paul Paul Paul did you hear that's giving a lie oh that's the one that's giving a lie but I think

but oh but I don't know but I love say I can't do that with Chimera Kwai James Blunt it's not the same what

they're not the same I know they begin with J they do look similar though no they don't what are you doing Sean Paul and James Blunt do James Blunt it's not the same what isn't they're not the same they i know they're beginning with jay no they don't what are you doing sean paul and james blum do james blum did you imagine you're beautiful you're beautiful you're beautiful being an answer um lads this is from anthony walker do you mean like adam is like a jukebox as he's a bit of a unit often found in the corner of a pub unnecessary don't be like that i love to see him attempt something it's all right baby you're right you're a comedian i've lost three

stone you cheeky fucking cunt anthony walker did not appreciate that. I should have glanced over that before I read it because he's had a difficult time. I'd love to see him attempt something by Prince. Prince. You don't have to be beautiful. Oh, I don't need to. The eyes are a bit weird.

Oh, Adam, the eyes are a bit weird. Why does he do the Undertaker eyes? To be my girl, I don't have to be cool. I rule my own. I just want your extra time and your... Glad you got into that. Raspberry Beret. It's a fucking good song. Raspberry Beret.

She walked in through the outdoor... That's a fucking great line, by the way. Why? I don't get it. It sums up a girl that's like young and a bit sexy and just doesn't play by the rules

and when you're a lad and you're 15 you're like oh my god she's walked in through the outdoor like I don't give a fuck I walk through any door

and you're like oh what a banger it's just a great moment innit I feel like you're being like an English teacher there I reckon he just like he needed that extra syllable

and you're being like the curtains were red which means she was angry and lustful and didn't know what to do with her life and what the writer meant was the curtains are fucking red me no prince knew what he was doing with that line it's such a subtle lovely line oh it's the fucking art thing no it's not like no one if you listen to raspberry beret he's literally telling the story of a girl what did she she was raspberry beret the type you get in a second-hand store and if it was warm she didn't wear much more so she's just fucking fit man yeah she's 16 she doesn't give a shit and she

i'm just fucking her down lads i like it he's not literally gone no no no there's no meaning in it but she did walk in through the outdoor and i'll tell you something about me, Prince, you know, I am a stickler for a one-way system. She was ahead of her time. COVID. That was good, Prince. Now, what else have we got? One more jukebox. Christian Baines,

after watching Monday's show and Adam's amazing vocal talents, Christian, don't fucking big him up, man. He has to sing for me something either by Enya or Bjork I don't know Enya but Bjork

what is Enya what's Bjork's big song um so so quiet do do do do do do do

do do do it's also still this is great because this called... Stop doing the Undertaker eyes. I can't open. No, you can't.

It's my eye. They're going back, and you're like... You already look like Paul Bearer. It's also still Oh, it's just jitters. Shh. Why are you doing the older? Go on, do it. And so peaceful...

Peaceful until... You blow a fuse It's Elmo It's a cross between Gollum and Elmo And Joe Pasquale Say Pasquale again Joe Pasquale Joe Pasquale

He's a linguist Gob show He's so soist. Gob, shut up. He's also quiet. Precious. So, so still. My precious. And then all of a sudden, someone takes it from us.

Dirty little hobbitses. If you got AIDS, you could be Gollum. Oh. Oh, that is offensive. And I'm banging the table now, and I always get on you for doing it. I'm like, oh!

Char! Upset me, nasty bitch! You'd have to be seriously ill. Okay. I tell you what, I really think if I'm dying of cancer or AIDS, which would be really... I think Laura would be pissed off about that

but what if I got AIDS she'd be like what have you been up to what if you got it from her and she's the one being fucking around don't fucking

put the blame on yourself I love you babe I love you so much and I don't agree with all the jokes that are on this it's a bad podcast in many ways

but if I I'm telling you right now I know you know people I know we've had we've lost celebrities recently and it's I, I'm telling you right now, I know when, you know when people, I know we've had, we've lost celebrities recently and it's heartbreaking, but I'm still going to do,

I'm going to do some online content. I've seen Dan Nightingale's fucking cancer patron. It's really good. If you like Gollum impressions that are weirdly too close to home,

like, Oh my precious. It's just a little habit. I think even for our listeners we might have gone one step too far that was too far Matt what was Dan's last words he was doing shtick right till the end

I can't tell you how much I fucking love this show and this studio and the fucking things we just say and then we just let them go out into the world for public consumption. To stay on the internet forever.

Yeah. Right. An interval. To lunch. To interval. To lunch. To lunch. To lunch. Let's have a little advert break here. We'll be back in 30-odd seconds for you lot

with this week's guest. This is the return. The brilliant YouTuber, Magnifossant. He's a dead sound lad. His name is Stephen Lawson. He's more commonly known as Stephen Tries on YouTube. And it's going to be a pleasure to have him in. We'll see you very soon.

Who's? Order. Order. Order. Like John Bercow says, if you'd like to order some merchandise, get to haveawordpod.com

for the old motherfuckers. That's www.haveawordpod.com. Get yourself some t-shirts, hoodies, support the podcast. There's loads of other stuff up there. Go and have a look

at the website, haveawordpod.com. Send in your questions and suggestions to haveawordpod at gmail.com. Let's crack on with this nonsense. We're back. That's my button to press. You little fucking rat. We did a lot of these during lockdown when I had my own desk and that, and now I feel a bit left out because you've got your sound desk

with all your I really honestly I'm not OCD but when you touch my buttons like that it really presses my buttons no don't

don't upset me nasty bitch silly person we've got a guest we have got a guest Stephen do we call you Stephen Lawson

because that's your name or do you hide that I don't hide it because my mate thought it'd be funny to just post that so tries tries is good

tries just tries sweet there's no real difference between the two just one has a reputation for being a nonce the other doesn't

he's gonna fit in so well he's already using our catchphrase oh thanks for coming in lad how are lad thank you for having me i'm good thank you so we met a few years ago when you were were you at salford uni doing the comedy course yeah and then i think i hosted a gig at the frog and bucket and maybe a couple more that you were on yeah it was a charity night that one was it was it I have maybe yes it was

it was I think so yeah that wasn't the best gig in the world was it it was weird but eh Salford Uni's comedy

course yeah I remember hearing about that and sort of taking the piss and my god that has knocked out some talent over the years

hasn't it that's sort of come good that I mean it's probably knocked out some yeah but there's some decent acts come

through there Jamali he's probably the out some yeah there's some decent acts come through there jamali he's probably the best jamali maddox yeah salford yeah jamali started stand-up at salford uni yeah kirry kirry pritchard mclean did she do that yeah yeah she did the course but she was she taught on it a bit at least oh was she she did the media performance course that was that sort of yeah and then became it. Right, yeah. Alex Boardman taught a lot of it. Did Alex teach you?

Yeah, he was class. Yeah, his boss Alex. There's some teachers that I just couldn't really bond with, and then Alex was like, oh. Which teachers were they? By name. Just one who liked clowning a lot and was very persistent with trying to get us to do clowning

and not stand up it is the future of british comedy though clowning i think it's mime actually yeah yeah mime is that where you're going now i think like you know like when like baby names make a comeback like there's loads of kids called albus again now i reckon mimes doing oh yeah doing that oh really yeah I fucking love it if we set each other a challenge and I've got to do a bit of clowning and you've got to do

a bit of mime just to see the audience hot water and go what the fuck are you doing actually I'm trying to really develop

as an artist what is clowning oh this teacher he was he was so serious about it. He was like... It wasn't Philip Garlier, was it?

No, he said he had a doctorate in clowning. Guys, that's enough laughter. We're going to learn clowning fucking seriously. Now you put that fucking fresh cream on that pie and you hit them in the face. You did it properly. What a ridiculous statement so serious about clowning yeah it was ridiculous like i think somebody in our class uh tried to

get a laugh once he's like don't try to get a laugh it's a comedy course though he was like it's not what this is about so it's so bizarre and a lot of shows at the Edinburgh Festival that this guy would fucking love me oh mate it's basically it's a sort of hipster slapstick isn't it

yeah really it's physicalised comedy clowning that's what it's really meant to be it's actually not meant to be spoken at all

is it yeah there's a lot of pretentiousness with how he did it though and none of us can really get into it I remember the first

lesson we had with him is the first week of that course and I think he asked Jamali to take his shoes off, not just Jamali he wasn't racist he's probably Muslim, I'll just cover the he looks a bit Muslim I'll make him feel like

he's at the mosque, his shoes are flat come on in what about my shoe sir not you stephen he's uh he's getting us to go on all fours and be a cat um oh no so i called my dad in tears halfway through that lesson going i can't do this anymore. What did your dad say? No, Stephen, you'll do the stand-up comedy course like I did, like your granddad did. You've come from generations and generations of people that have studied BA stand-up comedy. I've been successful, man.

Stop being a pussy, be a real man. Dad, I just like a cat. Shit in the cat litter I just want to be a civil engineer You'll not come back to this house With a degree in engineering You either turn up in a clown car And a red fucking nose

Or you don't come back for Christmas Oh mate Your normal sized shoes Will never darken our doorway again fucking brilliant oh why did you pie stand up off why did you fuck it off because you were dead good like dead young good straight away and then was it just because youtube just became a thing or uh just because i was lazy with it so i I had a nice five minutes and slowly got to ten minutes. And then I just basically kept doing the same material, got bored of it,

didn't think to write new material, and then I was just done. And the nerves, I built it up so much in my head each gig. Yeah. Because from the age of six, I was like, oh, I'm going to be a stand-up comedian. Six is alien. Parents divorce, I was like, oh, I'm going to be a stand-up comedian. Six is early, innit? Parents divorce, I think.

You decided at six? Yeah, I wanted to be a comedian. Fuck me. Is that the way of things now? How old are you? Eight. You've missed the fucking boat. You're done.

You're done. You haven't even got Avalon representation. You're nine. Nine. You might as Avalon representation. You're nine. Nine. You might as well be 52 in this game. Almighty. You better be a bisexual nine-year-old. It's going to be a naughty one, this, isn't it? I was about to say, we're six minutes into this part of the show

and I feel like it's already off the rails. God knows where this is going to be in an hour. How do you have that clarity of thought? I know it's just a thought that you have as a kid, but you were that into it at six. I was just an attention seeker. That's all it was. Just wanted my dad's attention, but he's gone.

Is he dead? No, no. All right, good. He's gone he lives in Norwich oh he lives in the whittle he lives in the whittle

yeah oh that's a shame isn't it is that what it takes for a scouter that's as good as being dead he's in another place over the water I won't pay the fucking tunnel

what was your second laugh I just water. I won't pay the fucking tunnel. What was your second laugh on this? I just imagined someone putting flowers at the fucking Kingsway tunnel entrance. Will you stop putting flowers there? This is a working fucking tunnel. No, this is for me dad. Papa, if you can hear me, I can, I'm over here

I'm in Birkenhead Sorry Oh Would you You're not Never force of going back to it Oh you did You did do a video about it

Didn't you Didn't you do a Stephen Tries About yeah Stephen Tries stand up And I did a I did a thing for Joe Joe.co.uk

And I did a I did a one off Because they were like Oh you should do Something about comedy I did something for Different Sort of things like, oh, you should do something about comedy. I did something for different sort of things like gaming and all that. It was gaming, not gaming. And then I did stand up. And that gig was one of my favourite gigs. You've made him laugh to the point of not being able to carry on listening to you with

a gaming game end joke. Welcome to the level of this podcast. YouTube content, really. There's a variation in it. Yeah. Stephen tries. Bumming. But like... It's going to get demonetized, that, isn't it? Do you realize, like, we...

So the way we structure this podcast, the first hour is just me and Dan, and the second hour we bring the guests in. And in the first part of the show, we talked about how last night we did a gig together, and I watched him and had to follow him it was very difficult because you know

I was eulogising about the fact he's one of the sharpest minds in British comedy and when he's on form nigh on impossible to follow and people must who don't watch our stand up must listen to us and go

oh Dan's really got an eye for comedy and then he goes I meant gay men not gaming and you're gone for three minutes but it is funny can I just I'm not you and you're gone for three minutes but it is funny can I just I'm not

you know how to do your content but I'd be up for watching that that would get me I think it would and if they do demonetize it you're gonna go

oh YouTube oh homophobic we haven't yet monetized like we've got the option to monetize our YouTube channel it's very new yeah like what we're doingized like we've got the option to monetize our YouTube channel

it's very new yeah like what we're doing but like they've said oh you can monetize now do you think we should do it because we're quite

yeah you've got nothing to lose worst case scenario is they don't monetize it and then yeah and then it goes out but they don't show it to anyone then really

do people have to sort of find it themselves is that right I don't know help us Steve I've got no idea I feel like if it does get demonetized it doesn't go out as well like you say it sort of find it themselves is that right i don't know help us stiff i've got no idea i feel like if it does get demonetized it doesn't go out as well like you say it sort of just goes in the nether and and what basically that's just youtube being fucking fannies is it yeah since like they've

had various controversies where people have said the m word they are controversies to be fair but uh they're not like a the new york whatever paper that is i should know this the new york gazette the new york chronicle the new york herald the new that's right oh it's the new york times i think there is a new york herald the boston herald and the new york post the Post? What's the Gotham? Who's got that joke? Like, the New York Post is known as, like, a shit newspaper. Alexander Hamilton invented the New York Post, just so you know. Have you seen the musical Hamilton?

Because Adam has. And I really like it. I've heard a lot about it. Yeah, it's fantastic. It's really good, but he invented the New York Post. But I think it's John Mulaney's got a joke where he says, the New York Post is like, reading the new york post is like someone else has heard the news and they're trying to give you the gist i like it's like the metro in it it's basically

like the metro is news for people with adhd like oh you're in the hundredth word of this story. Finish it off. 9-11. Dead bad planes. Bang, bang, bang. Dump, dump, dump. That's the no context, haven't we? What are you doing? Just one sec. Will you just dip your mic a little bit?

Yeah. Just because the line's blocked by the mic a little bit. Is that okay? Thanks, mate. Yeah, that's better. Good. Sweet, sweet, sweet. okay thanks mate good

but yeah a lot of people got told off because YouTube were just putting adverts on everything beheadings so Ray Dox on one of those this end's just chopped off now I've heard from Manscaped.com fucking Ray Dox have you nicked your head recently This end's just chopped off. Now I learn from Manscaped.com.

Fucking Radox. Have you nicked your head recently? Oh, L'Oreal after a bit. Oh, Jesus. So, because YouTube is so much money, they are like, yeah. Yeah. There's so much more,

like, there's so much more switched on to like this is they're getting more like TV sadly enough the wild west is that feeling of like we'll just stick videos up yeah I love the thought that like monetising those videos is the problem and not that they're still up like we're not taking the

video down but I'm not sponsoring no problem with people who want to watch someone fuck a body with no head on it we're not taking the video down but I'm not sponsoring I know probably people who want to watch someone fuck a body with no head on it but it's a beheading yeah but they said it wasn't for kids at YouTube how much more could we do oh Jesus

have you had something taken down erm no I don't think so what I've had is it's always music. If I've used music in a video, then it'll get claimed and you lose all your money from that. Well, future earnings. But also if you use like a certain ones,

like I used the Kanye West song and it got blocked in all these different countries. So that was only like last year that they started doing that. Someone told us that even if you sing on a youtube video they can pull money which is a bit of a worry because adam's become a human jukebox recently the one good thing is it's so badly sung that i don't think youtube algorithms are going to pick up on that but we've so i only did this last week right and i can prove it to you now no problem at all on podcast, I'm partial to doing an impression.

Yeah. And one thing I held back for a while is that I can do musical impressions, like singing impressions. So last week we did some. And like, he... He was like, oh yeah, shit. Just said we might get demonetized

and Adam's like, yeah, no, no. Carl tells me all the time that they're good. And we've had loads of emails going, no, actually, I really enjoyed Adam's singing impressions. Three. You know what I mean? Demonetized. Carl tells me all the time that they're good and we've had loads of emails going no actually I really enjoyed Adam's singing impressions three you know what I mean like demonetised

future earnings and you're like yeah yeah yeah yeah but I've got a gift can do Elton John which we did last week didn't I the Dido

like when he covered Dido for Eminem really good at that yeah that's Stan that one there dude's got a call that one that is good yeah. Is that Stan? Yeah. That one, yeah. Dude's got a cold up one.

That is good, yeah. Yeah. Did you see his one recently, where he was doing it for, like, Comet Relief or something, he did I'm Still Standing, but he missed, like, every other syllable out.

Yeah, see, that was a worse impression of Elton John than the one I did. And that was actually Elton John. He missed every other syllable. The way he was singing, he was like, I can't do it,

not after that. He was in his garden on a piano and he was just going... That is good. You can't deny it. That's worth three grand, innit? That's it. Honestly, I would rather this video became a bit heady than listen to any more of...

As he sat down You know the fat cunts sat down as well Metaphorically You can't stand up at a piano What are you on about? No one stands up to play the piano What are we talking about? Have you never seen anyone

Have you never seen me before? Have you never seen anyone stand up at a piano? Only Paul Rudd in Friends when he pretends to play. Yeah. When he's like, I can play the piano, and Phoebe's like, well, do it. And he's like, well, there's not a piano. And she's like, well, it wouldn't stop a stupid penis.

And he's just like... Should we do podcasting stood up? Do you think it adds to the energy hello and welcome to the hardware podcast with me I feel like I'm on T4 oh Jesus have you ever had a YouTube controversy

this week we knew about that one do you want to talk about that but before that my other one was uh it was weirdly enough i've got through a lot of things where i've made risky jokes and it's been fine i did a sketch about trying to sell uh the madeline mccandle so it was a candle with Madeline McCandle so mate I love it how like even though

you're not doing stand-up anymore that's exactly how all comics think they're like oh I've had a thought that works as wordplay except most of us are such pussies

we're like yeah I can't say that at the Frog and Bucket in Manchester and you're like yeah get the camera rolling oh yeah tell the story so we

the worst part of that was so the reaction was fine to it you know built my audience but then the worst part was my printer wasn't working so my mates were at work

and they they were having to use the printer to print off Madeline McCann's face with no context and then stick it on a Yankee candle. So that was fine. So weirdly enough, yeah, I got through that. No issue. But I always had this running joke for a little,

like two years or so, where my mate made a video where he'd get people on Fiverr to do certain things. And one of them was, he paid this dog to carry around the sign, Stephen tries as a ginger nonce. It was a really cute dog. It was quite funny.

I was watching it. I was like, oh, don't let this be my legacy. And then he had such a big following that they just kept commenting on all my videos. It became a running joke. I sort of thought, right, if they're going to make the joke, I'll do it before them. So I kept doing it and then realised that they're just going to keep repeating what I say now because they're not really thinking, oh, it's dead.

They just enjoyed it and ran with it. So I just sort of had this, you know, ginger nonce thing. People would shout it in the street. I'd just wave, thumbs up. Just own it. Can you imagine being like an old woman at the bus stop and seeing, go, you're ginger nonce. And then the nonce goes, nice one, cheers.

That's me, ginger noncey stay. Can we get a picture? Things have changed. I mean, before they just used to work on the BBC, but now they're everywhere i'm proud of it gingers those and uh so i uh so i had this brand deal which is a rare treat for me and it was with tiktok and they uh they put it on like the main page of youtube and uh and all the comments like the ginger nonsense on it and then you can't really have

a rep as a nonsense and end up on tiktok can you like no no so uh so because it's based in china uh the people that own tiktok pedophilia yeah they were just translating i would love to be i've seen a be a fly in the wall at tiktok hq oh god they were like what is a nonsense so that they translated it word for word and just went i got away with it yeah he's uh oh then they they called the company that got me involved in the ad to go why have you got a pedophile on board here so uh so they went uh right can you just explain to them that you're not a pedophile i'm not in jail am i i'm not a paedophile how can you do that in more than one sentence yeah i'm not a paedophile you know no but what you mean by that do you imagine me having to fly to china for a face-to-face

hello mr tries are you a pedo? No So what did you do? Did you have to ping them or something? So I was just fuming And then They dropped me from it And I was gutted Because I was like I'm not a pedophile

And the company that Obviously got me on board Then had to just pay me And They lost Whatever fee they got for that You got paid off board and had to just pay me and they lost whatever fee they got for that. You got paid off for not being a pedo. Yeah.

What the fuck has the internet done to the world? I don't know. It's a strange place. I've been called a nonce so many times on this thing, on this podcast, that honestly, I've been called,

and Adam, we were talking about, I've got a kid kid and we were talking about just being at home and like adam was like i can't believe you're naked in front of your daughter sometimes she's like three and a half yeah because if you're in charge and you're having a shower and she's that in the house you can't shut a door because they're mental they're dangerous what did jason manford call all kids under the age of four like suicidal midgets and for the awkwardness of

like being semi-naked or naked in front of your kid you can't just be like all right you go there i'm going there and i was telling adam that he was like feel weird about this it's like what do you mean i was like i think he was like i think it's because i've called you a nonce so many times on this podcast that now talking about you being naked in front of your daughter feels fucking weird the joke weirdly does get in your head, doesn't it, Bitnoncy? Yeah, because I just don't think it's a bad rule of thumb to never have your dick out when a kid's

in the room. But to the point where we mentioned this about three weeks ago, and Adam was like, yeah, but you show your daughter your dick. I'm like, no! It's different! Sometimes I'm naked, sometimes she's in the vicinity. I'm not like, enter! Morning! Stop crying!

Fucking hell. That out of context page is going to be done, isn't it? Yeah. Hey, do you know, going back to the Maddie thing, Joe and I was a manager in Hot Water. Yeah. Joe and me do deep cleans. Yeah. To finish it. Found it! Well, yeah. So I'd print eight pictures of Madeleine McAnoff and hide around the bar. deep cleans yeah to finish found it well yeah

so I'd print eight pictures of Madeleine McAnaff and hide around the bar and if you didn't do your job you wouldn't find them all like if you cleaned

everywhere you would find all the Maddie's so you couldn't go unless you found them I mean that is why have you never told me that before I've got so much

more respect for you now than I had five seconds ago I found seven Maddie's well you can't fucking go home. God. She's under the fridge. Dragon Ball McCann.

You've got to get them all. Good God. What sort of places would you put them in? Behind the fridge, isn't it? Places where you should be deep cleaning. Places where you wouldn't think to clean on a regular. I found eight Maddies I can get off portuguese apartment that's what the parents did about the staff there we've made complaints but now we're gonna hide our daughter see if you find her

but she is dead though so okay so hashtag going too soon so you were kicked off your tiktok campaign yeah the maddie mccann thing wasn't that was fine and then this week you've had because it's been all over my twitter feeds and we're not really involved in the youtube game but it's been news yeah it's uh so what happened it was two years ago now pretty much yeah two years ago and we're we're doing this thing called the wembley cup which is where four youtube teams played each other in this tournament at Wembley. And usually with those YouTube games, it's just like these YouTubers who, you know,

would be last picked at PE, sort of having a kickabout. It's fun. This year or that year, they'd had semi-pros involved and one of the teams is now like a professional team. So they were moving that way so it was like our team and then a bunch of people that can actually play football

yeah and uh and so there was one team in particular that were called the f2 freestylers there's like two guys that do step overs and hit the crossbar really successful um one of them hasn't let it get to the head and so when when i filmed with them prior to this wembley cup uh we were just doing like we were doing mr and mrs and uh one of them one of them was going you can't call us mr and mrs because we're both guys uh we're not going to be called mrs and so straight from that he was he was just not having any of it wasn't playing dry as fuck exactly so i was i was trying to make jokes and uh one of the questions we got was uh what was my mate's

favorite sex position so i thought i'd make one up so i went with the uh the hungry professor i meant the nutty professor but just messed that up i was trying to explain that and what that was and also you don't want ed Murphy to demonetise you no no definitely not what the fuck what what physicalisation is the hungry professor we're still not sure put a lab coat on

get the pipette so uh so I was trying to explain that and then it was just so awkward like my mate was laughing the people behind the camera

were laughing those people just sat there stone faced and it was like I was dying at a gig it was the worst feeling and uh obviously could just be edited out but they they just weren't having any of it and they were like oh we've got these massive deals with adidas we can't be seen laughing at this and you know they're just assholes to me so then before we played at the wembley cup i i thought it'd be funny to make a like a diss track uh just like a jokey one about them and add a bit of spice to the game because we were playing each other what genre of music did you go with for your diss track because like

traditionally a hip-hop yeah a hip-hop thing but belarusian folk yeah i just went with some hot jazz you know jazz dish track on a like a blues club

your man is a slag you got no sense of humour and I'm a ginger nonce I'll see you at Wembley

see I did that and then I put it out the night before of the game I'm a ginger nonce. I'll see you at Wembley. See, I did that. And then I put it out the night before of the game. And then basically on the pitch, they'd then seen it. The guy that just hated me, I got on the ball for the first time and he just floored me straight away. It was a foul, but wasn't given.

I'm not over it. And then game finished day one fantastic and one of the guys on their team comes over to me starts mouthing off

and I thought he was going to come over and laugh at me because I've made this joke about how we're going to beat you at Wembley and the sick bars

like that and he came over and was just really aggressive just trying to start on me just a stand full of kids, just waving their...

Ginger Nones! Mother, mum and child. Fam! Fam! Kids wearing Ginger Nones t-shirts. Leave that Nones alone. I've got shares in TikTok. Jesus. So I So I was

I didn't have a clue What to do Because I'm not going to fight him Because You know I get better done also There's a

There's a stand of kids So I was just walking away from him As he's still going off with himself And then I I basically had My mate Lawrence there He's a nice guy He started talking to him

He was kicking off at him And there's a guy that We were He was on our team called Brian, or the true Geordie. Yeah, yeah. He's six foot three, just massive. An absolute fucking unit of a man. Yeah.

You know when people from Newcastle are that big, you're like, your heritage, someone got banged by a Viking. It's Nordic in it. It's a Nordic thing, yeah. Yeah. So I just ran to him pretty much and was like, this guy's just threatening to batter me and Lawrence

and Lawrence is pretty much like the man he loves. Not literally, but you know. Yeah, Lawrence does a lot of the True Geordie podcast stuff with him, doesn't he? Yeah. Isn't he a Liverpool fan, isn't he? He is, yeah. I've seen some of the stuff, yeah. So that was that. It all calmed down

until the after party, say after party, just in the bar in Wembley and, and then this guy comes over from the F2 and he's brought his mate with him

and they're just trying to settle all these scores even though they've won the match and won the tournament, walking around with the trophy, getting pictures with, in front of all the other teams, just proper dickhead

and he comes up to me and I was just minding my own business. And he's then going, yeah, my mate here. And I don't know if his mate is actually a comedian. He's called Man Like Hacks. Oh, I see. What did I see him do?

I seen him do like a rap battle for Foot Asylum with an actual rapper. Like one of the Don't Flop Lads. I'm sure he did like actual rapper like one of the don't flop lads i'm sure he did like an advert with one of them he may yeah he's he's an instagram comedian uh yeah so comedians lose there and then he calls himself a stand-up comedian i was like i've never heard just because you're stood up trying to be funny doesn't mean you're doing stand-up comedy yeah and then so uh so he comes over and he's like

oh he's wittier than you so and then this guy is supposed to be witty then and instead he's just he's just mouthing off my dad gets up

because he's he's you know just sees what's going on and it's just the most painful petty thing your dad's there

my family are with me because it's it's a fucking charity football game for the love of god it's so it's just so embarrassing mate YouTubers should be like

the mafia like there's a rule with no kids and family yeah mate I'm here with my mum and dad and they're like Stephen's playing at Wembley

mate so they brought the camera crew around basically to either get me to you know get me mugged off and then just laugh at it or if I react badly they've got that as well

so I just didn't really give them anything he was going oh he's irrelevant all this I'd batter you in a charity boxing match so take note of that will you guys and then his best comeback to me was uh

my mate's getting a lamborghini my mate i'm not i'm in a 2002 for fiesta but i know someone who is getting a lamborghini i might be the passenger seat of a lamborghini. You fucking think on that. I mean, it's a lease, but, you know. Can you imagine if the, like, you know the beefs on the comedy circuit? And you'd know this, if you'd stuck around, it's a bit bitchy, right? Oh, yeah. But everything's done behind each other's back, so no one would turn up.

Imagine turning up. Because we sound like that, yeah. Imagine turning up with a fucking camera crew to the green room or hot water to get in fucking someone's face and be like, what were you saying on WhatsAppapp what we do is we turn up and there's someone there who you hate i'm like oh my god you love yeah you haven't seen you for ages oh you don't know you don't know she's fucking shitey start a podcast get a patron and bitch about them there yeah yeah that's the way to do it yeah yeah that's and so it got

it got a bit nasty yeah he got it so pretty much then people started filming it everyone else did because they've never posted their footage because it's embarrassing for them um so they they come over filming and uh and pretty much i know that like the true geordie knows of what's going on and he's he's gonna come at some point so i was just buying him a time keep just hearing these shit comebacks and then and then moses the red sea the crowd just parts as he comes through uh fortunately i have my head down when he comes in so he moves me out the way because i don't see him coming i'm like his hand envelops most of your torso yeah that's the one little clip i've seen. Yeah. What's his name, the two-jawed-y?

What's his name? Brian. Brian. So when he comes in, I just see him come in. It's like a battering ram. He just turns up and he's just out the way. And he's like, you need to fuck off or you need to calm down or something. It's really fucking great.

Because he's all mouthy, this Hacks guy. And then Brian comes in and he just goes. He's less mouthy. Yeah, he just starts moving away. Because Thor, the merciless just fucking waded in like but it's the way

he pushes your lot aside as well it's not like hey guys I'm on your side now you lot it's like get the fuck

out of the road what the fuck you doing here lads this is fucking beef great it's like it's almost like

he's almost gonna scoop you up in his arm. Like, yeah, right. You get under my fucking tit. You leave these under my wing. It's so,

it's so like dad's coming to sort out the playground. And it's so, he's so big. So he took me out and then, uh, yeah, it all kicked off after that, but nobody's recorded that.

Oh man. Just handbags. And, uh, and they got off after that, but nobody's recorded that. Oh, man. Just handbags. And they got kicked out of Wembley for that. And it's just taken two years because after that, I didn't really want to think of it because I thought, oh, it's just a horrible day. I was supposed to enjoy it with my family and my friends, and then it's just been a shit afternoon.

And then some guy went to me, oh, I've got the footage. Should I post it or not? Go on. Oh, good on you. So he posted it and then it's been seen now and everyone's sort of gone after them for being knobheads. And what's their reaction been?

Gotta be quite a badass there, haven't they? Because they went home early that day. Yeah. The birds at home, like, you're back early, love. What happened? I got kicked out of Wemmbley because i couldn't handle a diss track it's pretty much that and they've the thing is like they're you know they do stuff where they've done anti-bullying messages and all that and i think if you're gonna go on with yourself

like that you know practice what you preach yeah but like i see so many people on like twitter and that you know being horrible cunt trolls you know like when people are being dead nasty believe like i'm not talking like a beef i'm talking like beneath people they don't know is common this is shit you're not funny you're a fat ugly cunt and then they'll they're always the ones like with mental health posts like we need to be kinder to each other it's like are you having a fucking laugh four days before yeah guys but you think it can't kick off can it you're not gonna unless you see like a Lamborghini roll up and you're like

shit's about to go down nothing's gonna happen as long as Brian's around as soon as he goes I'm fucked just had to have a massive Geordie just look like

that's all I need don't you mention before like I can't remember exactly what you said but like you mentioned charity boxing match you know I've just been thinking

there's never a charity something else matches there do you know what I mean been thinking right there's never a charity something else matches there do you know what I mean to settle a beef yeah at what point what do you mean

well you know like some like when there's bad blood right what do you mean people are like charity lacrosse get the checkers board

come on yeah but like either one way or the other you can have like charity monopoly or you go full

and do charity MMA that'd be fucking brilliant I thought you were going the other way like right you cunt I'd be fucking brilliant you were going the other way like right you cunts i'm sick of what you said at the wembley club we're having a charity hungry hungry hippos game and then true geordie just comes in fucking all the balls everywhere yeah calm down i'm a cluedo man anyway charity MMA yeah like because MMA

is sort of fast catching up and gonna surpass boxing at some point like for quite a new sport it's done very

fucking well hasn't it and I feel like just on like a UFC undercard if they just had like you know what you and

Sophie Hagen doing ground and pound that's gonna go down well isn't it I'd be fucking sick I'd watch it

yeah yeah you can't deny it as you Stephen turns up in a full ginger nonce outfit like

it's time the ginger nonce and then someone doing keepy uppies in the corner like Sha-Fx Sha-T sumo wrestling

you've lost so much weight though babes yeah but I can wear a fat suit like a weighted one I can just take my top off I want a beef

though can we just write that down I want a beef though Can we just Write that down I want a beef Let's pick someone To have a beef with It was really good fun Watching that

Joe Rogan Go for him No He's got his M&A stuff Yeah he's basically That's like starting on True Geordie Yeah

We need like A shit comedian podcast Yeah Do you want to say it Who that is That would be bold wouldn't it I'm dancing with the line

oh oh shit oh yeah come on there must be like a comedy cunt who's got a podcast I don't know

Ed Gamble and James Acaster let's go after them they've got off menu let's have a beef with them yeah yeah yeah 650,000 downloads a week let's take them cunts down yeah that yeah 650 000 downloads a week let's take

them cunts down yeah yeah that'll do well because like people will like find ours and be like fucking well better because you know both of them i swear to god something fucking wrong with the mate they're fucking round the fucking pipe you're going for it i know nothing about either of them really i've met them both Good because it doesn't look like His career is going anywhere Fuck you you Kettering nonce Really nice guy Please edit that

Tell us You fucking Weetabix munching La Weetabix, the Weetabix factory is in Kettering That's why I did that so it's actually pretty It's good knowledge Well if anyone from Kettering That's why I did that So it's actually pretty It's good knowledge Thank you Factual banter

Because obviously We will tag James Acaster In the description Of this Oh yeah He'll love that So if anyone from Kettering Finds this by accident

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Two mics, two leads, and a lot of time on their hands. This is Havawad. So, we are meant to be solving people's problems. They send in Havawords. So, we do a few features in this day. Yeah. So, have we got would you rathers? Oh, should we just, we've got some, let's do some would-you-rathers.

Let's see what Stephen thinks of it. Very basic format. I'm sure you've done them before. Two options. I want to ask Stephen a classic, because I found the video this week and it really entertained me. Okay. Would you rather get punched in the dick by Mike Tyson in his prime or get ball tapped out of nowhere by a random member of the public? Didn't we work out that, before you answer, Stephen,

didn't we work out that it was, I got the question wrong, it was actually you can be ball tapped by any member of the public for the rest of your life sort of thing. it was actually you can be ball tapped by any member of the public like for the rest of your life sort of thing it's one punch from Mike Tyson or just

at any point you don't know when it's coming no but like it can happen several times like members of the public are just like how'd you like me now yeah

or what I went for Mike Tyson yeah I'd go with that yeah you get a little bit of you know fame from it exactly what I said don't you look like

a fucking idiot now you fucking content nonsense you're so on it aren't you what do you mean well to be fair i've just watched a video where in the wembley tunnel there was a bit of a beef and no fighting true geordie comes in and i was like it's one of the best like twitter videos i've watched for ages yeah imagine if it was stephenys and Mike Tyson and he actually got the punch. Yeah. And True Geordie's like, yeah, I'm not getting involved. Fucking Tyson.

I'm a Viking but I know my limits. What have you got? What are we going? We're going playful or dirty? Stupid. You've got dirty. We haven't done that really for a while as well.

Would you rather never be able to come again or never be able to laugh again? Thank you for that, Dan Johnson. Oh. You know what? I'd go with never be able to come again. Really? I know I'm adding to the

would you rather if you pick that you still need to come you just can't no that's what that's how that's how you end up

clowning in it you go to the priesthood and then end up in a circus yeah but you can't just like if you don't need to come then you wouldn't miss it

tear of jizz do you know what I mean if you don't feel a need to ejaculate you wouldn't just like if you don't need to come and you wouldn't miss this tear of jizz do you know what i mean if you don't feel a need to ejaculate you wouldn't miss ejaculating yeah you only ejaculate because you feel like you want to if you don't if you remove that then i don't think you'd be over if you were generating the jizz and you were like backing it up, I think your laugh would be weird. Yeah. It would be intense. What if you could only laugh and you couldn't come again? What if every time you were... Instead of coming, you laughed?

Do you not do that anyway? Have you ever laughed when you're in... No. As I finish, every now and then. That's sinister, though, isn't it? Like when i'm drunk this is bullshit bell when dan thinks i'm lying i'm actually not oh i'm actually not swear to god when i'm drunk sometimes

right at the moment it's not like a giggle I just go ha it is innit I'm calling that one ha ha no not ha ha just one yeah like

da da moan da da da da da Billie Jean And the kid's like, I just wanted a ride on a... The kid! So you say you can be demonetised? Yeah, you'll be fine. I love it how you said,

I just have to choose not being able to come again because I love comedy. That's it, yeah. You could still have kids, couldn't you? If you can't come? You could just take it. You have to adopt or buy one. What do you mean?

What do you mean? If you can't have sex, but they can still take your sperm, is there no semen? I suppose they could, but what are they going to do? Inject your balls and just drain it out? No, mate.

You didn't cover this at the stand-up comedy degree. You have to do a home blood test. You have to cut your finger. You have to prick it, yeah. That's not how your balls work. If you prick your balls,

jizz doesn't come. Of course it does. Have you never nicked your balls when shaving? And then like jizz is everywhere. You nick the bag.

You don't nip the ball. If you go into the ball, you can drain out jizz. Like Bear Grylls are this. Yeah. You don't nip the ball. If you go into the ball, you can drain out jizz. Like Bear Grylls are this. Yeah. You absolutely can. Where do you think it makes it on demand?

It's there waiting. You've got cum in you. Of course you can drain it out. You've got cum in your butt. Where have you got that information from? It is just made up. No, no. You've got cum in your balls.

It's just waiting to come out. No context to have a word that's the one because it was so clear no one even laughed over it it's like it's like a half time

talk that your team's down 3-0 can we just park here for a second see what he gets so fired up it's like

you know like devout Muslims really go hard on the Quran Adam goes like that for like theories he just came up with 15 seconds how dare you how dare you of course go hard on the Quran. Adam goes like that for like theories he just came up with.

15 seconds of all of it. How dare you? How dare you? Of course you can have balls. You can drain it out. What? I'm Googling. Drain.

Just type in how do you drain a bollock? No. That's going to end up at Pornhub. As we all wait for fucking Carl to ruin his Google search. No, we can't. What are we going to do?

Come back to gumballs? Sorry, Stephen. Don't worry. I'm intrigued now. He's trying. Is there spam in your balls? Frequently asked question. Spam is produced in the testicles.

It's in there, yeah? of course it is all right it's it's there isn't it it's not like you your dick goes oh by the way he's having a wank we're gonna need some cum in a minute get it made it's there waiting i know it's not coming from a magic realm via your balls it's like when you're in the chippy they've they've got a few things in in the counter you know what i mean not everything's made to order imagine if you remember those children books when you're a kid was like and the poo factory is where a man gets the bad things out and puts them like imagine if you're inside your balls as a woman and a chippy guy oh we want some cum but like we ever had like four wanks in a day in the fourth one it's just sort of like

crying? Just sort of like there's nothing left? Cloudy lemonade. It's like, that's like when you turn up at Greg's and they're like,

oh sorry, like the sausage rolls aren't ready, they're going to be another hour. And you're like, oh, well I'll just have

what you've got then. That's that. Yeah. Did you ever teach biology at school? Sex education via Greg's fucking analogies would you rather

be an extra in a really successful film you can see your face but you don't even get a line or a leading role in a straight to DVD crap fest

that's from Daniel Newman I feel like the narcissist in me is going with the second one Or a leading role in a straight-to-DVD crap fest. That's from Daniel Newman. Ooh. Ooh. I feel like the narcissist in me is going with the second one. Yeah, me too. You know. Look at me go.

Yeah. No one wants to watch it. Like, when you watch my film, you're like, no, Stephen, I love you, but no. The thing is, like, no one's going to give a shit about the fact you're an extra in a film. Do you know what I mean? Like, someone being an extra in, like, what's a give a shit about you the fact you're an extra in a film do you know i mean like someone being an extra in like what's a great like the godfather no one knows them but water world was shit but i know kevin costner played the guy so do you know the comedian tommy campbell no he was around when i worked with him maybe when you were starting out, so about 10 years ago, and he is an extra with a couple of lines

in The Dark Knight Rises. Ooh. Or Batman Begins. I think it's Dark Knight Rises. Is it where the Joker gives them... You think darkness is your ally? Yeah, he's the Bane. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you not know Tom Hardy's not in it? It's actually Canadian comedian Tommy Campbell. Oh, darkness is your ally. Darkness is your ally.

Eh? What's that about? See? You can be racist to Canadians because they're white in your head. Yeah!

That's the rules. Fuck you, Canadia. There's a joke there. Do you like it? No. Said it wrong. They're on like a ferry, and it's when they're deciding which there's a ferry of,

there's like a ship of inmates, and they've got a detonator, and a ship of just, and it's like, that's just the Dark Knight, that one. Yeah, he's the Dark Knight, and he's the... He's the him, and he's like, we should do it!

They're going to do it to us! The older guy? No, there's a younger guy with a skinhead, and he's that guy. There's an old guy and a younger guy with a skinhead, and that's Tommy Campbell. Is he one of the general public on that boat? He's one of the general public.

You know how I know that? Because he told me in a dressing room of Nottingham Glee or Nottingham Jonglers and I think he might have even shown me the fucking film you know because

I was in the I was like oh I didn't see he was like oh did you not yeah it's there like he didn't even

have to load it up so I'd have that scene on DVD I'd be passing it out after gigs yeah just my 30 seconds in The Dark Knight would you get one just my 30 seconds in The Dark Knight

would you get one of the best films ever The Dark Knight I think I reckon top 5 and yeah I'd want to I'd be proud of that

fair play to him stop having a go alright yeah Dan would you would you get Compares to introduce you you may recognise him

from that three minute scene on the ferry what the old guy not the old guy oh you think dogma's wrong film bane was good though wasn't he yeah i love bane don't we yeah the dark knight's a better film but bane i was about to say bane's best in the joke i know he's in some line so let's just shut up yeah i think I'm going a bit schizophrenic today, you know? Oh, yeah. You've had a coffee, haven't you? I've had a coffee,

and you have pointed at a bottle of water there, and I was like, is that coffee? Have I gone that far? It's all right. You're doing all right. We're in a safe space here. Megan Pennington, bit of a playful one here, Stephen.

Would you rather live in a cave for the rest of your life? She's so playful. She just gets me. Or... Are you alright? Or live in a tree... Why have we got a fucking...

It's a treehouse. I've got special needs kids writing in questions. Would you rather live in a cave for the rest of your life or live in a treehouse for the rest of your life? I'd go treehouse. Because I feel like they're usually in someone's back garden. So at least you can watch Civilization, whereas a cave's all the way out there.

And you've got a reef over your head in both, so it's... Yeah, I'd go treehouse. I love it! this is my favorite thing about wood you're out there's if you just go what's the point of this steven's like right let me let me tell you why i'm taking this very seriously i'd go to the house as well i love it are you going to treehouse in someone else's garden why it can't be your treehouse mom there's a man in the fucking treehouse oh god yeah don, yeah, don't play in the garden, love. I'm a ginger nonce of huge.

Come on. There's a ginger nonce in the treehouse. I'd go treehouse because I can deal with pigeons, but I don't like bats. Yeah. Again, how long have you believed that? Have you just come up with it? Because it sounded like your school fucking motto.

The Adam Rowe University. No, like, pigeons are annoying, aren't they? But there's, like, you're going to be all right. If you're in a treehouse, there might be a pigeon that pops in. But if you're in a cave, I'm fucking done with bats after this year, mate. Yeah. Bats? Yeah.

Why? Because someone shagged a bat in China, and that's why everyone's ashamed. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a bat. Shagged a bat. That and that's why everyone's a shit. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a bat. Shagged a bat. That's it, Scouse rumours. Fucking China.

The fucking rat noncers. What about you, Dan? You going in the cave? Thanks for asking, Steve. I'm just going to go in. Should we swap? Because I'm gone now, you know.

Just have a lie down. Cave's a bit Taliban, isn't it? Yeah. I feel like you have to do your little, like, Osama videos in your cave and then send them out to Al Jazeera. You haven't got the beard for the Taliban, have you? I could grow one. Yeah, but it's blonde.

You would look weird. Why can't I be a Taliban? Because you need a dark beard. No, you don't need a dark beard. Have you ever seen? You can have a jeans. You had this terrorist with a blonde beard no you don't need a dark beard have you ever seen you've can have a you had this terrorist with a blonde beard

oh that is so offensive to Nordics you're gonna stick out like a sore thumb yeah maybe you'll be that like maybe it'll be a good thing you want to be the

Eminem of the Taliban I just did a bit of snot you know what He does look different But he's one of the best Mate Honestly

In those fucking videos That he does in the cave He spits bars man Death to the west You can't bring people Back to a cave can you Like if you met a girl On a night out

You can't You know Send me a red flag Yeah But treehouse is fine Treehouse is fine Yo look there's a house cave can you like if you met a girl on a night out you can't you know send me a red flag yeah but treehouse is fine treehouse is fine yeah look there's a house could be romantic though cave feels like like you could be like look i'm living in a treehouse at the minute so do you and she'd be like oh my god the treehouse she's still in treehouses tend to be in like a suburban setting she'll feel safer you can't be like come in

no come on no there's lights in here I've got a Madeline McCandle like all the Madeline McCandles and you wouldn't say what candles they were until the light of the flame illuminated all those Madeline McCandles

women would rather be in trees than caves again it's the theories that he's never thought think women would rather be in trees than caves again it's the theories that he's never thought of women wardrobe i think there's a point when they're on that fourth step ladder up to the treehouse where they're thinking i'm not banging this guy do you not think do you not think they'd be still more up for it than a cave though because that's you i'm not saying no one no one's saying a treehouse is ideal for banging all right so would you rather in it yeah it's like you've got to remember caves look dodgy

not many normal people live in caves sorry any cave listeners get upset then if you live in a cave and you've got access to spotify or youtube then fair for 4g 5g is working out uh i read a conspiracy today that uh the clap for the nhs was to cover up the sound what 5g what sound does it make though so apparently like the reason the government got us to go out and be like it's because that's eight o'clock on Thursdays. That's when they were turning the 5G on and it made a noise and the clap was to cover the sound. Makes sense though. It's really put me

off the Tories now. Shut up, man. What a conspiracy theory is to us, Mike. I've not heard one that doesn't make the person who's saying it sound fucking art-hearted. Aliens built the pyramids. What about Diana? Yeah, that was aliens as well.

Do you think Diana was an accident? Thank you for bringing that up. It's fucking gutsy, haven't it? Yeah, probably. Do you think it was an accident? He's fucking smiling, lad. The fucking guy who's driving the bus, or whatever she was in.

You've really researched this one, haven't you? Do you think Diana was an accident? Because she was in that tunnel. Where was it? Fucking... Was it...

Was it Mersey Tunnel? Have you seen the picture? It was for you, Dad. Dodie, Diana, Dad. No, but you've seen, haven't you? That picture, I think it was taken

by the speed camera or something and it's got his face and he's like, yeah, I'm going to crash. Yeah. You're not seeing it? All the other cameras on the way from the hotel to the tunnel

weren't working that night. And they said that camera wasn't working, but then somebody got a speeding ticket a couple of days later. And then the camera was working. Amazing. Exactly. Isn't it amazing? Hello?

It's the Queen. Could I speak to the traffic wardens in Paris, please? The God? Do you not think she's got the power to kill one woman? Not on a fist, but... Yeah. Oh, that'd be a good fucking charity MMA, wouldn't it? The Queen and Man Like Hacks. Queen Elizabeth II. And fucking Princess Diana. but yeah oh that'd be a good fucking charity mma wouldn't it the queen and man like elizabeth ii

and fucking princess diana and then true georgia i think you need to calm down diana and you can shut the fuck up do the alpha yet yeah like that was def our a job defo and there there's oh wait no there was somebody involved who who

crashed into them or the car that knocked into them and ran off the guy that owned it he killed himself in his own car by setting fire to it

in a field you wouldn't do that if you're gonna kill yourself that's guilt there's a better way to kill yourself I mean I'd go off a cliff oh you you want to do the superman i think so i just think if i was going to kill myself one of those few seconds of feeling yeah like i'm flying i've

said this for fuck i'm so glad you've come in today we're gonna have steven become we're gonna offer you the contract you're gonna be the third head on the podcast because i've always said, when I kill myself, right? When? When I kill myself? I'm going off the Empire State Building. Wow. Yeah. And he's like, oh, that'd be the worst way to go.

Wouldn't that be amazing? New York's like the most gorgeous city in the world. Watch Stephen work out the problem with it in three seconds. His is a cliff. Middle of nowhere, just fucking dirt. You just ruined the entrance to someone's cave. What's the problem with his?

New York's quite busy, I think. A couple of people. He couldn't give a fuck. Three families dead because Super Ro just fucking flattened them. The thing is, though, if you're at a point in your life... Shut up!

If you're at a point in your life where you're killing yourself you're not arsed about ruining someone's trip to fucking the Disney shop are you? Yeah.

He's got murder in him. Honey. He's got murder in him. We asked about what would you do if you could go

back in time and he'd be like yeah you could just go on a killing spree and he'd be like you know no one would care you're like no

that's not good. No. I was like I'd killing spree and he'd be like you know no one would care you're like no that's not good no but I was like I'd like to spend time with Picasso do you know how do you know how depressed you have to be

to kill yourself it's literally you do not care about anyone else if you're at that point you're not gonna be like oh I'm gonna ruin a cup from the M&M shop

you're just gonna do it you know you can be suicidal and not be a cunt you're the worst coun yeah but I don't think I would be I don't think like a terrible counsellor yeah maybe

maybe me to soften up my my you know grief counselling you fucking get over yourself and sit up as well. Jesus Christ. Fucking, like, just get on the place.

Put your shoes on. Top yourself off. Stop whinging about it. Anyway, thanks for ringing. Shall we just do a have a word? Because this has been a lot of fun and my ribs hurt a little bit. Can we play the theme song? I know we can't all hear it,

but everyone's been asking for it and they've pissed off there. It's time to have a word with Adam and Dan. Tell us all your problems you have with your friends. This was going to be the whole podcast.

Now it's just the final 10%. So that was our theme song. I used to wear the headphones. Yeah. And the initial plan was to have our guests wear the headphones as well. And we'd all hear it, but I don't like wearing headphones. Fair play. So we stopped playing the theme song,

and we've had a lot of emails saying, can you play the fucking theme song, please? It's the only reason we listen. What would we like to do? We've got one that's calling back about the DMT Paul Smith episode. Okay. Do you want to do it? Sure.

Yeah? Or, what's the other one? Tory fucking rats. Where do you land on the political spectrum? Lib Dem. Labour. Labour.

Okay. Well, yeah, that sounds... All right. Do you want me to read it? Because you've got to read it Scouse another context for the Paul Smith one as well do that one then do Paul Smith and then we'll do that

let's see how it goes by the way everyone if you want us to have a word with anyone your friends, family, major political parties the queen aliens can we just go back to that for a sec by the way parties, the queen, aliens. Can we just go back to that for a sec, by the way? Because you brushed over that aliens definitely built the pyramids.

Okay, cool. Haveawordpod at gmail.com. Write in to me and my fucking lunatic business partner, and we'll talk absolute nonsense about it. They couldn't build the pyramids now with the technology we have. So you explain it. They couldn't build the pyramids now with the technology we have. So you explain it. They couldn't build the pyramids

with the technology we have now? No. Not possible. Right. They fucking could. What are you talking about? Look at the fucking shard.

The fucking shard, lad! They're not the same thing. No, but they... Yeah, one's a bit bigger though, isn't it? Yeah. The Pyramid? Oh, God.

I'm talking, like, in mass, not height. I don't think you could build the Pyramids now without killing 20,000 Jews, which is what they did. Just gives you an age, doesn't it? Ah, that's done. No, literally, the Hebrews got... They were basically just human slaves, weren't they? Why are we talking about this?

Let's call it aliens, shall we, Stephen? Yeah. I don't want to say the comedy course didn't teach me anything, but... Are the pyramids made out of sand? No. Right. Aren't they made out of stone? Sandstone.

They're made out of, like, sand that's been glued together sort of thing. It's sandstone, isn't it? I've got no idea. So you're both right, it's sand. Sandstone. Wet sand. There you go. Are we all on glue right now? sort of thing it's sandstone isn't it I've got no idea so you're both right it's sand sandstone wet sand there you go are we all on glue

right now who's got the pritt sticks out that wasn't a stupid question though see see how he looked at you like oh what a

fucking stupid question but he's never got the answers it's stone it's stone sandstone you know sandstone's not sand though is it

but it's also not stone if you I tell you what if you want to go frolicking on a beach of sandstone's not sand though is it But it's also not stone I tell you what If you want to go frolicking on a beach of sandstone Tell me how that goes Right It's not going to be fun is it And if you want to throw a sandstone And try and skim it across the water

You'll look like a dickhead as well No that'll work because it's still stone It's not just going to break up instantly into sand. Have you seen how big they are in the penemins? Oh my God, what are we talking about? I feel like you should each try what you've just said there. Right, okay. Come back next week with it.

You have fun on the sandstone beach. Are we trying to start a beef with the Egyptians? Who are you starting a beef with, fam? Listen, ancient Egypt, Pharaoh. Were you going to say something then? Limestone? Limestone. Yeah, so you throw it and it just goes into a fucking Bacardi and Coke.

Think about it. No. This is from Ethan Rodway. Have a word with me, missus lads. All right, boys. Again, this is so Scouse. I love it. I'm not going to lash out names because if either of our families heard about this,

Oh, I've got to read it. Scouse. All right, boys. I'm not going to lash out names because if either of our families heard about this, they're deaf. I'll be an intervention because they're proper anti drugs.

Okay. So this is not from Ethan Rodwell. Beep and beep. This is from from Ethan Rodwell. Beep and beep. This is from Friendly Listener. But me missus loves your podcast and watched the one with Paul Smith the other week. She messaged me like, oh my God, you need to listen to this podcast.

They're talking about DMT and it sounds sick. She went on about it, no joke, for about three hours about how mental it sounds. I said, go ahead, go ahead. Go ahead, let's give it a go then. she went on about it no joke for about three hours about how mental it sounds i said go ed go ed go ed let's give it a go then and she pure flapped it it was like oh my god you know me you know i'd never be able to take something like that the bit that wound me up she continued to burn me out going going on about it all night saying how much she wants to try it because it sounds so mental but then whenever i said go ahead let's do it then she acted as if she that i'd asked her to eat shite what lovely

tone of phrase have a word and tell her you can't have it both ways lads either go on saying how boss dmt would be and get on with it with us or stop burning me out if you're just gonna flap whenever i say go on then so basically is mus sounds like she wants to do DMT. She's hyping it up and then bottling it. I want to do DMT, but I'm terrified of doing any source of drugs. Do you know what I mean? I have never been a drug guy, so I won't do it. Because I'm probably like her, I'd be like, yeah, we should do DMT.

Like, you know, new year, new me and all that. Can I just say DMT, you've watched the pod with Paul Smith. Have you ever done DMT? No. Well, I've got some. Right. Can you imagine after 10 minutes, like, Adam, the fucking pyramid's like. minutes like adam the fucking pyramids like it's if you've never done drugs and a full dose of dmt with a fucking shaman is how you start that's like like a vegetarian who's never eaten meat

got going for like a fucking like the brazilian like what is it in brazil yeah and then just having meat sliced onto the plate and it all piled up like a meat feast. It's a lot to take on in your first go. I feel like if I was going to do anything, no,

now I'd do that. I'd do that before I did heroin. Yeah. Yeah, I'm with you there. You don't need, you don't need a shaman

for heroin. It's a less spiritual, all sit round, all sit round all sit round would you if you had to do a drug would it be DMT if I had to yeah if someone was

gun to your head you're doing something lad I'd do that because then probably ruin the trip a bit wouldn't it apparently it makes you

feel DMT like damn it apparently it makes you feel safe though doesn't it and calm so you'd just be like oh there is a man

with a gun there but everything's going to be okay if she's unsure do you reckon she'll would that mindset go when she does it

or would she be like panicking when she's done it going oh god I don't have any control yeah yeah would you

you're not just not into any you're not I've smoked the weed yeah big trip to Amsterdam if you know what I mean smoked the weed yeah big trip to Amsterdam if you know what I mean guys drug humour

in all honesty it is illegal so that's where the humour ends there would you ever do DMC? what they say about it does sound good like does don't it?

yeah I mean I don't know if it's my part but I'd have I don't know maybe do you ever come down from it

apparently you can drive like 10 minutes later you can drive just not well and probably leave it 20 though just to be safe like literally oh i'm out of the spiritual realm massive blue serpent okay we can have a piss and then get in the volvo like maybe leave it off an hour have a piss and then get in the Volvo. Maybe leave it half an hour, have a walk around, check your fucking Twitter. Yeah, I think if we're going to have a word, she needs, like I'm being a hypocrite, but you need to sort of either get on board or don't fucking be a dick tease about it, do you know what I mean?

I think with this guy, you can't just, if she comes around to the idea and she's convinced, then fine, you can go and do it. Don't blag her. If she's, she's obviously kind of interested, but then also a little bit worried,

don't be the boyfriend that's like, no, come on, come on, come on, you can do it. Because if it goes wrong, she's, you're going to feel guilty. Or just go and do it on your own, lad.

Like, just fuck her, innit? It's a bit like anal, innit? Or, if she's not into it, go and find someone else who just go and do it on your own, lad. Like, just fuck it, innit? It's a bit like anal, innit? Or... If she's not into it, go and find someone else who will. Just do it on your own. Just do it on your own. Pokey bum wank. That's not...

What? How's that not anal? It's not anal, is it? It's your anal. How are you doing a pokey bum wank? No, it is anal, but it's not like... That's not an alternative a pokey bum wank no it is anal but it's not like oh that's not an alternative hey love can i fuck you in the ass absolutely not well i'll go and finger myself then one nil to admit Do you know what I mean? What? They're not like...

Can I ask a question about Pokebomb wanks? Sorry. Let me just get ready. Are you ready for this? He's a fan of the Pokebomb wank. No, I've done it. I'm not a fan of it. Oh, that's gone, hasn't it?

Yeah. Come on, compose yourself, Sweet Pea. Go on. What do you do? Do you just go in Do you just go in dry? Suck your finger Oh god Before and after Cha! Cha!

Upset me, nasty bitch Just go up and it's like You're trying to find Your wedding ring No Do you know when like You know there's a quid in your pocket But you can't get it

Because it's in the line And you're looking for the quid And you'll know when you find it Have you ever found a quid Oh fucking hell Yeah it's like trying to find money. You know when you can see the circle, but you're in your pocket and you're like,

where the fuck's that gone? That's a Pokey Bun Wank. Is there a G spot up there? Apparently so, yeah. Yeah. And you're just like... No, just... Fucking James Brown in it.

What the... I would say, though, like... This has been a really fun one. If you're going to have a Pokebun wank, you do need to be on your own. No shit. You do look a bit pretzeled, do you know what I mean? Yeah.

Leave Costco. It looks like a dirty gamer twister because like you sort of like left hand brown yeah yeah

left hand brown left hand brown beautiful he's good at this what's the Tory Rats one I want to do are you sure yeah

you want to try and follow fucking Pokey Bum Wank well if it doesn't work we'll edit his house we won't he will

let's make this job harder come on just need three hours and get him to pick the best hour this one is from Stephen Groundwater

it says skinny eyelid and chubby specs skinny eyelid yeah now eh have you never called and having a go at his teeth once you start getting personal with me that's where i draw the line yeah with his dirty finger been an avid listener since the start and need you to have a word with all the tory cunts I think this one might be political.

First off, Boris tells us we can't go Spain unless essential so can't get holiday insurance. The Tory rat! Need to cancel Spain holiday but Ryanair decide to fly anyway and want another 750 quid to change flights. Tory rat! I fucking love

this guy. Have a bit of a mini break in the UK, finishing off with a day at Thorpe Park, who tick all the COVID boxes without pulling anyone up for non-compliance, but best off, limit riders on rides for social distancing, but still every man and their dog in.

Oh, so the queues are still massive, but they're only letting half as many people in. Yeah, meaning a total of three rides in six hours at 160 quid spent. All of these Tory rats cashing in on COVID need a serious word. I'm so on board with this. The Tories are cunts,

but I tell you what I'm getting fucking well and truly done with is companies blaming COVID for stuff they just can't be arsed doing. I went to London last week, didn't I? I was on the train on the

Avanti West Coast train from Liverpool to London. It's the expensive one. It's like 80 quid a ticket for a fucking train. Sorry, rat.

And the plug socket wasn't on. Yeah, I've had that. And I went, could you turn this on? And I've had it before. I normally go, could you turn this on and i've had it before i normally go could you turn these on and he goes on it was like it must have tripped and he goes to

his little thing he presses a little switch and it comes on and he went sorry mate that i was a use because of covid and i went all right okay and i was like that doesn't even make sense and then on the train back it was all on and it just meant that this fucking train manager rat lazy cunt and couldn't be arsed and he was like like, I've got the excuse there. There's loads of companies doing it. Yeah. Limited menus are pissing me off. Oh yeah.

I know people are suffering, Stephen, but I want the snack wraps back at KFC. I really wish that was a joke. I really love the flaming snack wrap. How often do you eat KFC? You've had it today. Yeah.

Is that your go-to? It's become my go-to, yeah. Trying to get my daughter into spicy chicken, but she's like, ah, daddy, it hurts. Yeah. Is that your go-to? It's become my go-to, yeah. Trying to get my daughter into spicy chicken, but she's like, ah, daddy, it hurts my mouth. Shut up. You know how you speak to a child?

Yeah, yeah. Daddy, I'm having pain. No, you're not. Fuck off. Fuck off. No daughter of mine is a fucking spice shit house. Finish your Zynga Tower, baby. Why are you getting into zinger

I'm not really it's been for comedy oh it's for the bants what do you go to uh I don't know I'm a bit

okay I'm so basic how do you mean basic like Nando's that's yeah yeah yeah very simple

are you uh one of the fruity nuances or did you go for a bit of spice i like a bit of spice oh okay real man yeah what are we talking steve no like lemon and herb mango lime i thought passion fruit and regret you know i uh i go i go medium if I want to enjoy it. And then hot. I used to have the extra hot. What's the alternative? Just sort of been a bad boy. Medium if I want to enjoy it. Extra hot if I'm showing off and I want a hurty poo. Saz and Nando's on your own.

Can I have triple X hot, please? Because I'm here to impress myself. I used to be really into spice. And I was... Not in the Manchester Piccadilly way. I used to be really into spice. And I was... Not in the Manchester Piccadilly way. I was doing it... I once had the Carolina Reaper. It's up there with the world's hottest chilies.

It might be. And I tried that. It's just the worst experience of my life. And I think ever since then, I've been a little bit scarred by it. Oh, so you did the pepper challenge? Yeah, just... And it's one of those where... For content, not just at home.

The content was awful. Oh, was it? It's just... Like, me and my mate were just like, oh, I don't feel very well. God, it's a anaphylactic shock. Yeah. Then we turn it off,

and then he's throwing up in the bathroom. Obviously, no one's filming that. And I just stood on the... Not stood on the sink. Stood laying on the sink, about to pass out. And then true's throwing up in the bathroom. Obviously, no one's filming that. And I just stood on the, not stood on the sink, stood laying on the sink about to pass out. And then true Geordie gets it. Scattered you in the chillies. I think you need to fucking calm down.

I did a thing with Brennan Rees. Brennan Rees is going to be, is he our next guest? Next week's guest? I think so, yeah. Yeah. Comic from Manchester as well. I did Dubai with them I did 10 days in Dubai

and we did a a hot one challenge yeah like this like chicken place I can't remember what it was called invited us down

like all the comics that were on the bill it was me, Brennan and Rich Wilson and they were like yeah so do you want a food for free and for the rest of your time

in Dubai you can just turn up here we'll feed you you can have whatever you want but we need to video you doing this challenge for you to do that. We were like, okay. And they gave us five chicken strips.

Each one got hotter. And I tried the first. I like spice as well. Like, I get hot in Nando's when I'm trying to enjoy it. I'm a, like, I'm a dras guy in the curry house. I do like a spicy thing. The first piece of chicken was too spicy to me and the last one was so red it was black like there was that much it was scary like it looked

like if you if you touched it and then like you know like scratched your face it looked like you bleed it was just horrendous i had two strips the second one was too much and i was like no and then brennan and richard at the rest and they were like crying and sweating and shit by the end wow you know when they've got a camera there it's not going to be good as well yeah and they're all their faces like go on do it do it yeah it's great when everyone's giving you a meal going we want to feed you but we do want to record it yeah it's not because you're like that was delightful it's because someone's about to have an aneurysm. Awful. Is that a podcast?

Is it a pod? It's weird that I fancy some chicken. It's probably weird. You had chicken half an hour ago. Big fat fuck. Thanks for coming in. Thank you for having me. Where can everyone find all your shit?

Stephen tries on whatever it'll be. We've got we've got a podcast it's not as funny it's not filmed very well background shit as well stay here to be honest I can see

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Bye, Felicia! Thanks, Stephen. Bye, Felicia!