Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #85 with Brennan Reece - IN STUDIO - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: September 14, 2020

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Really appreciate it. Now now i'm getting the word nuts oh you think darkness is your ally you merely adopted the dark i was born in it molded by it who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? When she pick it up every time she starts to talk, give her the dick. Disgusting! She'll be like, hello. What I'm doing? This is when you get it.

What I'm doing? Oh, none. Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios, hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England, these are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube. Ja! Upset me!

Don't be a rat. Download, subscribe and tell a friend. It's the one and only. Have a word. podcast podcast we're back welcome to the hoverwood podcast with me adam rowe and him dan nightingale to the guy who commented and said who's the guy on the right instead of reading the description where it tells you everything we're here hi great thanks for having me adam pleasure to be here love it love it is this right is this right uh just feels i had a nando's yesterday oh yeah first nando sat in for a long time and that did not let down that yeah i even i think it's a classic case of i had a kfc and a kebab yesterday and i have pooed my bum all out one of the sharpest minds in british comedy

there uh not a wordsmith yeah it's uh it's amazing when you haven't had something like the mcdonald's queues was a bit much for me the kfc bedlam in the queues but when you're in nando's going oh this is great it's the food i love i've not had it for a while and now i don't have to do any walking i've just got fucking minions uh boy boy could i have a little more pair of salt please i couldn't possibly get off my fat fucking ass. COVID's everywhere. Boy! Yeah, it's turned Nando's into a restaurant. Do you know what I mean?

It's literally why it took them two months longer than every other restaurant to reopen. Because they were going to have to train the staff to be staff. I'll tell you what I love about Nando's, though. I love this about any restaurant that you do this in. Paying before you get your meal. The worst bit of a restaurant is that can we have the bill please and everyone's dead busy and it takes ages

paying in advance and when you're done you just fuck off oh you can literally put the fork in your mouth last chip just drop as you're standing up drop the kobe drop the fucking fork clatter i don't give a shit i'm out fuck off volley your last chip across this across the room they had they had different members of staff for different things at one point i went can we get another diet coke he went okay i'll just tell him and i'll ask him to get you one i was like could you get me fucking one i'm sorry i'm not i'm not the uh drink guy i was like what the fuck are we doing come on i know i know i get it and i'm all for it sachets of lemon and herb you can't have bottles covid's on the bottles i get all that

shit but get me a fucking diet coke don't tell your line manager to speak to the supervisor to go darren what will we do there's a diet coke for table eight calm down down, Susan. We're going to get through this. This is like the tango of 2018. Fucking ridiculous. It's good, though. What did you go for? Oh, I feel like I'm going to get it called a Tori. Butterfly chicken. Okay.

Okay, good. That's mine. Is it good? All right. I just thought I was going to get called a Tori. You can't be a Tori in Nando's, can you? What would be the most Tory thing? Portobello mushroom and halloumi wrap.

Could I please have the portobello mushroom? And I don't want the bread. Could I get it wrapped in a poor person? Thank you. Thank you. I'd like a little bit of... Do you do chilli jam and working class misery? Is that right?

Just drizzled on there. The tears of a child. Thank you. Yeah, that's as far as it goes, isn't it? And then you've got to get like a white wine, a dry savannah or whatever it is they sell. That makes it a bit tawny. But Nan knows inherently is not even just working class

and left wing. It's fucking... What? What? You know, wife swap. Yeah. Why don't they just do life swap and have, like, really wealthy landowning Tories

have already worked out why they're not going to do it. Just live on a council estate. Like, instead of wife swap, which is fun, I've watched that a few times, I would fucking love watching, like, the fourth Viscount of Gloucestershire try and deal with Burger King in Manchester Piccadilly. Viscount, aren't they biscuits? Yeah, all right.

What's a Viscount? Aren't they those little minty biscuits? Is he taking the piss? Is he taking the piss? I don't know what a Viscount is. It's like a... Aren't they the little minty circle ones that come in a green foil? Mate. It's like a... I think the little mincey circle ones are coming again. Mate, I think you've just applied for the show.

I think it would be amazing. Just like, oh, what is this? It's a fucking whopper. Oh, is this what they eat? What are these chips? They put the Tories on, like, in Dovey. Council Estate, Dovecote, Liverpool. And just, like, they get, like, baseline benefits.

Yeah. Because, like, they all think that, like, Arlo, like, oh, they get, we have to, our tax money, it funds their, they have unlimited money, and we give them it for nothing. And I'm like, yeah, let's see you live on fucking chips and fucking chicken dinosaurs for six months.

Let's see you have open a tin of beans and put tinfoil on the top of it and put half of it in the fridge for tomorrow so you're rationing your beans and then you your beans taste like fridge because tinfoil does fuck all once the tins open oh this is oh i'm sure this will make a lovely anecdote one day but i just don't know if i can have how to pronounce it greg's once again let's see how your children deal with the lollipop man telling them to fuck off when they're in year three fuck off back on the side get on there you little fucking rat father father

it also by the same rationale it'd be great to have like fucking Daz from the estate just on a fucking super yacht somewhere like she'd have to swap jobs as well so like

a lot are on benefits because they've swapped with someone who hasn't got a job. But like, like other Tories have to go and like work in fucking like sports direct on a zero hour contract and they don't know

what the fuck they're getting this week. Yes, mate. But then fucking Jono is now running like a Fortune 500 company. You've got to make decisions

and just see what happens. Day one of a life swap. Daz is not doing well as the fucking CEO and president of Shell BP. Fucking hell, there's fucking, there's oil everywhere, mate. I'm telling you right now, I reject the situation there.

I think you put a Scali in charge of one of those companies. Scalis can make money selling fucking Jag Armani t-shirts. Those big companies. You put me in charge of running fucking Coca-Cola, mate. I'm going to send it through the fucking roof. The best, I guarantee you, the best Coca-Cola marketing campaign I've ever seen. Remember when they put names on the bottles? That was genius, that.

Just put everyone's name on the bottle. People will get photos of the bottles. I think it's one of the best marketing things i've ever seen i guarantee you that was a working class person who was like i'd fucking like that wasn't some degree cunts it wasn't i honestly thought he was gonna go put the names on the barrel of oil that's what i thought you were like right there you go fucking you've got a big... I used to sell DVDs to me newspaper round. You're telling me I couldn't sell oil to the Saudis? Do you reckon Daz would do that, Shell BP? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

International fucking oil. Whatever, whatever. Why don't you get people going around the fucking boozer? Hey, lads, I've got some fucking quality oil-like fucking Shell BB. It's not jack. It's genuinely rocked. Yeah, and it's got my name. Look, it's got, what's your wife called?

Get the Sharpie. Get the Sharpie. No, listen, lad. My mate was in Afghanistan, right? And he got onto the fact that it was all a fucking faux thing, lad, because they just wanted the oil. And he was like, I'm not going back to West Derby

without my own fucking tin. And he's brought it back over in MT McCain's ship. It's good shit. And you can do your fucking potato wedges in it. I'd fucking love a chance at running a company like that.

Oh, God. I want to make LifeSwap. When Have A Word Productions becomes... When we're making millions from this podcast yeah and we start commissioning shit life swap i'm getting jason jacob reese mogg and he's working in fucking greg's mate that's where he's going i hate that fucking cunt you know the casting of that would be yeah he's horrible he's like it looks like walter from the b you know don? Yeah, and he's a cartoon Tory cunt Yeah It's like He's like, I'm so Tory He looks at himself and goes

But it's a fucking great thing, I'll lean into it He's got no self-awareness that that is a dreadful look I'm not condoning political violence in any way, shape or form But I'd love to smash his head in Like, if I hit him once I would have to hit him again. Like, it would feel too good. Do you know what I mean?

You're really ruining this audition for Life Swap. Have you seen his kids? They all look like they're, like, in a new horror film about kids who fucking, like, can mind control you. Do they all look like

a young version of the demon headmaster that he kind of looks like? Exactly. Yeah. And they've all got like the same clothes on. I mean, they're in school and it's all uniform

but, you know, it just looks creepy. Tory kids. Ah, is there anything more fucking suspicious than a young conservative? Oh. What do you know?

What have you seen? Fucking Malfoy. oh i was like what do you know what have you seen fucking malfoy that's exactly who they are oh damn that was a fun start how are you yeah good my uh my neighbor has just got in my head she's a tory because i've said tories a few times and she's obviously it's riled her a little bit and i said this morning she was like oh god i think another shutdown's coming and i went no no you should lockdown i went you know i was like maybe she said lockdown um i really can't let go of shutdown just because we branded the podcast shutdown for about 50 episodes and she was like no i think it is coming.

And I know because I've talked to her daughter, who's sound, I love her. And I said, I think it's going to be regional. I think there's going to be restrictions, whatever. She's like, no, I think there will be another lockdown. And I was like, I'm hoping the Tories are going to Tory and look after the economy. And I've said that to her before. And this time she went, I'm a Tory.

And I went, oh, yeah, that's fine. It was a slightly awkward moment from across a fence and I was like, and I bid you good day. And I'd have probably just gone, oh, so you care more about like your car's wealth not depreciating than killing starving kids. Yeah, okay, love. I'll see you on Tuesday when I drop you off

wherever we're going. Yeah, and then I take a recycling and go, Janet! And just fucking boot it in a garden. No. I'm dropping off wherever we're going yeah and then I take a recycling and go Janet and just fucking boot it in a garden no I'm a Tory yeah well whatever but it's

I just I do it's not been doing me good waking up going oh god like I saw that curfew thing I don't know if you saw it it's going to be like

ten o'clock they're like yep they're going to because the virus waits until ten o'clock the virus oh ho ho I'm not going to kill anyone at quarter to 10.

No, sir. For I am a gentleman virus. Come to bed, COVID. All right, Corona. I'm out here killing nannies. I'm telling you right now, I'm not doing another lockdown. I'm not doing it.

I don't want you to. I was going round the bend. I wasn't allowed to gig. We weren't allowed to be in the same room together. I'm not doing it. If there's another lockdown, I'm carrying on gigging. I wasn't allowed to gig. We weren't allowed to be in the same room together. I'm not doing it. If there's another lockdown, I'm carrying on gigging and I'm not messing. If it's illegal, it's illegal.

The police can come and shut them down. What is it? A hundred quid fine. So as long as I sell 10 tickets and a tenner to go for every gig, the fine's covered. Go fuck themselves. I'm running gigs.

This podcast is still happening. Fight us. You know it's in Runcorn, but Runcorn's a big place. I bet you can't fucking find us you fucking busy rats by the way this podcast is not being shut down i will build the fucking glass perfect i'll be like tap tap fucking wind your neck in there's no way the podcast is stopping and then i saw someone because the lockdown it's starting to like people are

saying it's not just my next one day but who by the way is sound i love it she's fine but it's starting to get starting to gain momentum and then someone tweeted us going oh that would be more uh daily podcasts i was like find a gift find a gift i think i went with will ferrell going drinking wine. I'm not doing another lockdown. I'm not doing it. I'd rather get arrested for doing comedy illegally. I would rather, genuinely,

than be in my house on my own, not being allowed out, other than to go to Asden and Bach. I'm not doing it. Holy shit. I'd rather be in prison, where at least someone might fuck me. I'd rather be in prison where at least someone might fuck me.

He's really lonely since the breakup. How lonely? He's got himself convicted. Two year sentence just to get a cuddle. Who's cuddling him? You are the lads. Passing him around like a fucking teddy bear. Yeah.

There's not going to be another lockdown. Adam, I sort of lean to you for these fucking moments of like... i don't see how the country economically could cope with a second lockdown so i don't and the tories are going to tour and they're going to save the economy and i'm i'm now at the point where i'm like i hope they fucking tour and i hope they save the economy but i don't know what the best thing to do is my opinion as always is based on very limited one-sided research i look at the shit that i like and that i agree with and that you want to happen and i want to happen and i do what everyone else does and i've stopped commenting on shit online now because i've realized what the world is it's people who don't know what they're talking about arguing with other people who don't

know what they're talking about as if they both know what they're talking about, arguing with other people who don't know what they're talking about, as if they both know what they're talking about, go on any tweet about Brexit, or should we be locked down, should everything open back up, is the economy more important than coronavirus, is coronavirus more important, and there's one person, it was like, no, it's this thing, and I'm right, and then there's the exact opposite below it, no, I'm right, this thing, and no one's got a fucking clue. So I'm just looking at the shit that I want to happen and that's what I'm going to do from now on. You save your nan if you want.

My nan's already dead. I'm going to work. What a great reason. Excuse me, sir. You're going to have to close down this gig. Fuck it. She's already dead you're headliner

I've got no grandparents left during that I was like is he getting me emotional I was looking at Adam as he was saying that and then I realised I hadn't got my glasses on

I was doing that thing I was like fucking hell how anxious about a lockdown am I I'm literally looking at Adam going oh my god

I'm having keep doing this it's the second time I've done it yeah that's what that's my honest opinion you know like i'm sorry i'm i'm very sure all of your nannies are lovely and i'm sure granddad you know has got a good few years left in him without corona but i'm i'm not going around a bend to save someone's nan who i've never met hey and ps they've got their um pensions and their houses are paid off so let's do the stats you know they're talking about young people and like well young people are you know they're infecting under 25s after they're so going after freshers week aren't they yeah and they're like affluent under 25s

they're a problem because then they're giving it to their grandparents you like fucking tell the grandparents to stop like we want to see our grandkids i'm like i know but you can't shut down a country when it's clear like that i think that's the thing it's so hard to be ageist about it but just make better choices let the world trade and just like let's be sensible hancock said didn't he that there's people have been getting too many tests but then there was a tweet he put out saying if you've got symptoms or even if you've got any doubts just get a test that what they're trying to do and this is not quite

tinfoil hat but getting close to it I think what they're trying to do is make it purposefully confusing so they can blame the public so when there's a spike or when there's a problem and they haven't locked down because they're not going to they can go look we told you after we gave you all 50% off for a month,

we told you not to go in more than sevens and you did, didn't you? Seven of you went to your nans. You did that. That was you. That was you. It doesn't matter that all 40 of you could be in the pub.

That was fine. She didn't get it in the pub. They pay VAT at the pub. They're shifting the blame onto the public so that when the next election comes around, they can go, we did everything we could and the public didn't get it in the pub. They pay VAT at the pub. They're shifting the blame onto the public so that when the next election comes around, they can go, we did everything we could and the public didn't listen to us.

They're making it purposely confusing and their core voters are not moving. They're not going to. So they can sort of do whatever they want. I've given up. I'm not asked about politics anymore. I find it, it's so far beyond parody

and genuine reasoning that I'm just like, I'm going to do what I want and I don't care anymore it's be like last week when last week i'm just when it's particularly lockdown based yeah but adam was like it was like we like the table was a tory like no jacob we fucking want like literally last week i've just turned the laptop on last week when matt hancock got asked uh tony abbott the australian guy you know he's a homophobe and

he's a misogynist and what do you think about that and he went well he's also an expert on trade and that was the end of his sentence i was like if that if that was on like the mash report or some fucking BBC programme, which was political satire, you would go, I mean, they're not that bad, are they? That's a bit unrealistic. No one's that stupid.

It's fucking bananas how far it's gone. What about Hitler? He was a mass murderer, massive anti-Semite, like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Really lovely uniform designer. To be fair, was really good on branding. Someone said Genghis Khan

was very good at table tennis. It's a valid point. Jimmy Savile was a great DJ. He was? It doesn't matter, does it? We're so far... It's not the same. It's so far...

We're so far beyond help that I've just decided that it's not the same we're so far we're so far beyond help that I've just decided that it's funny and it will be in perpetuity yeah okay in perpetuity Carl's literally rubbing off on mumma like that mumma like that

rubbing off on Adam who's turning into a fucking human Isaurus. Oh, I'm quite manic today. I've got some gigs I need to plug. Yes. Can we do that now before I forget? So, Saturday the 19th of September, I'm coming to Leeds.

Hang on. Sorry, I didn't mean to do that. I'm so sorry. I was really trying to give you like a bed to make it cool. And then you realise we've either got our theme tune or Jeff. Let's do it again. Ready? Go.

So listen. I have some gigs coming up in the Yorkshire Moors. It's the wrong one. Go. I have some gigs coming up in the Yorkshire Moors surrounded by the bodies of murdered prostitutes. Oh, no, chap! Upset me, nasty bitch!

Where did you think I was going to go with that? Good. God! I mean, start the tour to Yorkshire and build up from there. I wasn't ready for Moors murders. You literally... I didn't say Moors murders! I wasn't talking about the kids. I would never go there. I wasn't ready for Moore's Murders. You literally... I didn't say Moore's Murders.

I wasn't talking about the kids. I would never go there. I said the prostitutes. It's time to have a word with Adam Rowe. He's had a coffee and he's off the road. Can you tell I had a coffee? Mate. I, I'm not joking.

I love it When you've had a coffee I am close To buying you A fucking Unlimited gift card At Costa Because I love it

I'm hyped today I'm feeling good But I love it when you When you Yeah gigs Leeds So

I've got some gigs Coming up in Leeds They're both There's two There's an early and a late show on Saturday the 19th of September. Saturday the 19th of September.

Early and a late show. About half the tickets have been sold. It's in a barn on a farm because nothing improves my comedy like the smell of cow shit. I can feel you looking at me. Yeah, Saturday the 19th. I've got Thomas Green, who's a really good mate of mine and we're looking at me. Yeah, Saturday the 19th, I've got Thomas Green, who's a really good mate of mine,

and we're looking at starting a new podcast soon together. You guys are really going to like Thomas Green. But if you're in the Yorkshire area and you fancy doing something on Saturday the 19th, it's early in the late show, go to adamrowe.co.uk forward slash shows, and please get some tickets to come and see us. We're going to film it as well. It's a really cool venue. It's like an unusual way to do stand-up in a barn.

It's going to be dead, dead fun. It's undercover. It's not going to be outside of it. Rains, we're all going to be sound. You're going to love it. I'm going to love it. About half the tickets left. Please go and get them ASAP Rocky.

You say ASAP Rocky as well. Sometimes. I really find it hard to say ASAP without saying Rocky after it. Do you want to tell everyone what you've been up to yeah shagging your mom i'm sorry that's one less costa oh he's got honestly he went double espresso um she actually died in a dick in accident she died in a dick in accident yeah i was there motherfucker little scouser fucked her to death i mean she was

already on the way out when she looked at his eyebrows shagged to death yes I mean like the orgasm was so good it just was like no

fucking kidney popped out google that please no that is a bad google just google shagged to death orgasm it'll come up oh

it's gonna include a horse um no that's a dirty that's a dirty google but you think someone has been shagged to death no i think people have people have died it's usually guys having heart attacks in it what happened go and talk us to it hi car by the way hello um yeah the number one result is the famous horse sex death oh yeah the one that went round I knew it I knew it

how are you when you know that that video exists and someone sends it to you do you watch it I've seen it no

I didn't I didn't know she died when I watched it oh like oh right you just heard there was an interest

by a horse which you know was right up my street oh god oh it's a lovely one what street is that a country lane Oh, right. You just heard there was an interest. It was just a woman getting bumped by a horse, which, you know, was right up my street. Oh, God. Oh, it's a lovely one. What street is that? A country lane. The Japanese army used to rape their enemies to death.

Nice. Oh, and that's where he's just been. Is that why you went? I wasn't in the Japanese military, no. You say that, but I haven't seen any in the Japanese military, no You say that But I haven't seen any photos of you in Japan You have, you've seen fucking loads There's green screens and that

Now I don't know whether they were real I wasn't in the Japanese military either I don't believe you They actually haven't got a military anymore Because of what they did They haven't got a military What, so all the army did it? Yeah

They've only got defence They've got Japanese defence And then the American military are over there They've basically got, you know, Dad's Army for Japan. Yeah. Oh, do you think you are getting much to eat? Oh, if you think all England done.

Whole song. Whole song. This is your 10th new musical impressions. i actually had a mate message me this week are you not worried that what if the guardian do a piece about you you know about some of the jokes i was like what do you mean she was she was like you know i know it's a joke but some of the jokes i just think about race sometimes i think maybe they're not your jokes to make and in my head this is how mental he's made me I went the Guardian fuck that'd be great

publicity I am living for the day that I get a hate piece written about me in the Guardian the Guardian can suck my dick and so can all the right wing ones every politicised newspaper is a bag of shite

the Mail, the Independent, the Guardian the Met, the the other one that I'm not going to mention they're all just, they're all shit and if any of them like or hate you then you're not a good comedian I like the Guardian I like the Guardian but I'd love them to come after us

because it would be great publicity I shouldn't have said that. My publicist is going to be like, we need to talk about your podcast. Okay. You have the Swindon Chronicle. They're your only availability. What was I saying?

Yes, they're filmed from telly, filmed the stand-up sketch show, which was great. Since we've come back from lockdown, it's the most I've felt back. which was great. And it was, since we've come back from lockdown, it's the most I've felt back. Like, you know, just back. That was so scarce.

What about 80? Carl, come down with me. They had like 80 people in, maybe 100. Right. In up the creek, which is a nice room, but it looked full because they'd done it like cabaret style.

It's a good club as well, isn't i was first after the break oh there's four acts in the first section doing like 15 to 20 you mean your fluffers i thank you break and then me and i walked on and carl said for like the first 30 seconds i looked a bit nervous and i do get a little bit when i because i know it's permanent do you know i mean it's a chance totally walked on stage it's an england cap in it yeah and i had me three i had me three routines that i knew i was doing walked on and i was like i'll start with my new bit about clap for the nhs because none of the other acts had really done covid stuff not much of it and i was like i'll come on i'll do that they'll all go oh he's i didn't even get through it because there was a guy who'd heckled a couple of the acts early on and he heckled me, so I was like

did you clap for the NHS and he went, no, fuck it and I was like, why and he was like, I work for the NHS and I just fucking buried him and it made me mentality go from you didn't tell it, you didn't tell it to no, you're actually in a comedy club and you fucking know what you're doing

and then I was worried, because the three routines I've done on it, I did me argumenting Greg's routine, I did me girlfriend playing with me penis routine, and I did me dad's no brain to mouth filter routine. They were the three that the TV company asked for. But I haven't done any of those jokes for about, I haven't done Greg's for like four years now and the other

two like maybe like two and a half years and a year each so I didn't really know the bits there was times that me and Carl were together I just had my earphones in and just listening to my own jokes they're not match fit almost totally and I was like I was walking on going I don't know the rhythm of these routines

as well as I used to but then after that the confidence it put in me, it was like I was just playing the video of me at hot water. I was just on, I just knew every beat of it. I knew every breath to take. And like, we can be as sort of agarious. What's the word? What do you mean?

Like braggadocious. Yeah, nailed it. Braggadocious. It wasn't what you were going for, but it worked. Because it's our podcast and whatever, and I fucking volleyed it. I just had a really good gig, and I come off and my agent was like,

well, and I was like, yeah, that was good, that, wasn't it? I just knew I'd done a really good job, and I'm so looking forward to doing the sketches for it. The stand-up sketch show, this is series three. I've now done all three series of them and they essentially, they turn your stand-up into a sketch.

There's a few of mine on Facebook and stuff from the ones I've done in the previous series but that argument in Greg's routine, which is on YouTube already under Liverpool Arguments

on the Hot Water channel, it's going to work really well as a sketch. Because they'll act it out and film it in a Greggs or something that'll look like a Greggs. I have to call it

a pasty shop in case they can't get access to a Greggs. How great is it after listening last week to you talk about the Jonathan Ross sketch? Well, I spoke about that

on Patreon. Oh, right, okay. So on the Patreon episode, we talked about Adam going to do the Jonathan Ross stand-up show. But it wasn't in a club, was it? This was inup show. It wasn't in a club, was it?

This was in a club. It wasn't in a comedy club. It was in a TV studio, and I had such a short set, I got on my own head a bit, and it still went really well, and I'm sure it'll come out in a week or two. I'm sure it'll come out dead well, but, yeah, this one yesterday just felt like a gig that was getting filmed rather than a taping i wonder if people know what we're on about when when you get offered tv work or warm up or all of

the stuff that isn't circuit comedy uh corporate like charity gigs alarm bells start ringing when they're like and we'd like you to do it in a and then there's like a gap and you you think please don't say office please don't say fucking college please don't say fucking church there's so many and and we're gonna do it the charity gig the corporate gig at a comedy club and you're like beautiful you just made it five times fucking easier and that's what they've done there with the sketch show yeah they've taken it to up the creek which isn't just like any comedy club it's one of the good ones

it's one of the most it's one of the oldest ones in London as well brick wall backdrop nicely lit it's a really good room it's got funny in the fucking walls

tell you what as well my agent took some photos while I was on stage I've put them on Instagram go and give it a like at Adam Rowe comedian

on Instagram at Adam Rowe comedy on Twitter at Dan has a podcast because this is all I've got them on Instagram go and give it a like at Adam Rowe Comedian on Instagram at Adam Rowe Comedy on Twitter at Dan Hazard Podcast because this is all I've got go on both I am not getting tired of people telling me

I've lost weight every comment is looking slim lad and I'm like yes I am and the next one is hey you look alright oh lad you lost loads of weight

and it's fucking it's giving you that incentive oh yeah I feel wonderful but what it's also doing is i'm now getting pissed off when people don't say it you know when i see someone i haven't seen for a bit and they're just like you're right yeah yeah yeah like you're not gonna three stone are you not gonna hello uh major it's me but better yeah i'm like do you not think that i deserve a compliment for the work i've clearly put in you fat can i just say it would do me a lot of good friends colleagues

audience members if you would just call me out for getting fucking fat you are getting a bit yeah titty yeah it's time i want audience moments like alright fatty be great tell you what let's get Carl's perspective how bad has Dan let himself go quite bad yeah yeah

awful I don't like your hat either and it's mainly it's mainly from all the fucking breakfast your mum's cooking when I fuck her oh it didn't work

didn't work on the anniversary of her death yeah the last time I fucked her it's the anniversary of the last time i fucked her to death shit i shouldn't have lost confidence in it ah um but yeah if you could start like fat shaming me that'd be great because it's annoying but please do go and buy tickets to leeds that was me point should we have a break?

Just going to get on the Slimming World website What's happening Leeds? Today's sponsor is Beer 52 Beer 52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club If you're into your beers, your ales, your stouts Beer 52 is the place for you They've teamed up with Have A Word This podcast baby To give our listeners a free case of 8 beers Beer 52 is the place for you. They've teamed up with Have A Word, this podcast, baby,

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You can subscribe at youtube.com forward slash have a word pod. What was that? That was me on a website. Show us again. That's my Elton John impression now. I watched that.

He's had a stroke, hasn't he? He's having it while he's doing it. Fucking Elton. Now I'm slapping the table but it was like he was going oh my god

can you smell toast Elton can you smell toast to whoever runs the no context have a weird

account that last bit there could you no context video that of Dan just acting like he's got

something missing can we have the video version because i just want dan yeah i want to see if people can guess what he was doing um have we had have we had a break oh yeah we've popped it in don't need a interval at first half i've just read i'm such a moron this is you've prepped the first half and i just read the first half first half fucking moron um that's like getting a script for something and reading the character's name from h can i have carl's number this is from a bloke listener i've not put their name in because i don't know if it's if he genuinely thought it was going to get read out or if he was trying to do banter can i have carl's number not gay myself but he's got a sexy voice and i would love to see him bang my missus what the actual fuck like i tell you what if this happens i want this podcast getting some commission if we start jiggling about 20 of that yeah mama like that plus vat daddy like that

daddy like that it's actually 24 until you're v80 registered and then you are annoyingly good looking though but But this is... I don't see it, you know, like for a long time, like growing up, like girls do find them very attractive and I just think he's one of the least attractive men I've ever seen in my entire life.

Oh, but that's personality. I'm talking about looks. But that is a level of... I find that really annoying. That's annoying. We've done fucking 103 episodes of this shit. You roll in from Japan and to be fair,

you've been a massive add-on to the podcast. Shut up. But people want you to bang their missus. Would you do it? Have you seen them? Would you do it?

Haven't even seen them. If I, yeah, I was gonna say, if I was single, I am. I would, I would franchise myself out

for that, yeah. I don't mind banging. Franchise yourself out like you're a fucking pizza. Yeah. Rowe's Dicks. Rowe's Dicks. Rowe's Dicks. Dial up an order

at Rowe's Dicks. Yeah, I can see that franchise being worth a lot. I want to start with Rowe's Dicks. You can do it, lad. Just grow your eyebrows out. Is he offering me money? I think he's just offering you his wife's puss. Well, I've got one.

I've got a beautiful... Oh, no, but it's a hypothetical, mate. You don't get too lost in the weeds on this. Sarah is dead. She got shagged to death by... Me. Noel Edmonds. By the Japanese army.

Noel Edmonds taking random fire. Noel Edmonds. Is he a bit shaggy, Noel Edmonds taking random fire Noel Edmonds is he a bit shaggy Noel Edmonds I just remember a lot of people are watching this now he's gone Noel Edmonds

we've got like a bullshit catalogue of stupid random celebrities and Noel Edmonds hasn't been I'm not doing anything

with this I was just itching my head I swear to god I'm not like drinking dicks or anything I'm not doing anything with this. I was just itching my head, I swear to God. I'm not, like, drinking dicks or anything. You've really made me nervous. After Sian, Sian,

who we know, fucking videoed you drinking dicks while I wasn't looking. I hope there's people who've never watched this and don't know what the fuck we're on about

because out of context, this is amazing. I was just drinking a dick behind Dan's back and he's not happy about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. Yeah. Would you, if you're a young book, you're still young.

An older couple, not me. An older couple, attractive woman, you know. He's got, you know, angina. He's like, oh, Cole. Oh, my tick is not what it used to be, boy. But you're a fucking stallion. Look at you. You look a bit Japanese-y, Chinese-y, one of them.

Oh, she likes you. You've got thick calves. You could do some fucking damage. Look at you with your shoes off. You're a continental gentleman. I've got to bear in mind before you answer, it sounds like this guy can do you a cracking deal on a car. I give you a lovely 1998 Vauxhall Tigre.

Four lady owners, only two of them died in the vehicle. Will you come back to the Shag Palace? Yeah, go on. And give my Pam a good seeing to. She's up for it. She's up for it. She's cleaned the bedding. Yes, let's go.

Would you? Honestly, would you? What, when I was young? No, now. Like, Laura's dead. No. Why is everyone dead? I just...

Exactly. Your fantasies... I know, he's a mentor isn't he he he the the potential

I'm just trying to make it so that like you definitely can't get back with her and she's gonna get pissed off alright she's just you can she can just leave me

and go it's done and there's always a lingering hope and I'm trying to remove that right if I was young yeah but I

I don't think I'm the ringer anymore who wants do you know what I mean like Carl's 28 is indecent Nick he can do 5k

mate I honestly keep getting yeah but you're like in the fetish zone now aren't you like dad bods are like

big now for who dad bods are the thing for younger women? Yeah. No younger couple. There's no like 23 and 24 year old couple

that were like, I know we've only been seeing each other six months, but I really like to try new things. What are you into, Jess? Well, I've always just fancied like early middle-aged men. You're wrong. Honestly, that is happening. Dad bods are huge.

Dad bods are the thing. Dan has a podcast on Instagram and Twitter. Genuinely? Like, because like people are a lot more open

sexually now and the whole like, you know, daddy issues, which used to be like taboo to talk about, but now girls are like, yeah,

I just want to like fuck me dad. Oh, great. So I don't even have to like, like take the hat off and a fucking, I don't even have to like like take the hat off and I fucking I don't even have to pretend like I can really like

I can actually like lean into it like where the bloody hell have you been right are we doing this threesome under my roof my rules

right we're having a bath time first no we are having a bath time right fine we won't have a bath time we won't have a threesome exactly I've run your bath

get in it. Arms up. I don't know if that's a thing, mate. Fucking, what? Like, just before we have a threesome, I'm talking about lawnmowers. I don't know if I want cordless. I don't know if I want petrol. Mama like that. Mama like that. I'm not surprised, lad. I'm just saying, if Laura ever, you know, comes to her senses. Yeah.

And snakes off on you. Yeah. You've got options, boy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You could put yourself on like. I might try men. Men?

Yeah. Being straight. Even more for men. Being straight's good. Oh, mate. You're the bear, aren't you? Oh, mate, no, I'm a cub. Oh, are you?

Like a small... I'm not big enough and hairy enough to be a bear. Literally, if I keep going... You're a seal. What? You're a seal? Is he a bear? No, he used to be.

He's now like an AIDS-y bear, you know? Less hairy. Used to have a hairy back and be fucking fat. Now he's like small and like, he's like one of them that's wandering around and he hasn't like eaten for a while. Yoga don't look so good. I could be, I'm like older cub.

But man, I could, lick my lips in a really weird way there. I could bang any man. Men are easy. Yeah. Aren't they? Yeah. You know,

gay men, no offense guys, but you're DTF. I used to feel a bit about how like, you, sex, when like homophobes, like sexuality is a choice,

they're choosing to be gay. It's like, they're not. Cause if it was a choice, we'd all choose to be gay. Like no one's choosing to be with the opposite sex. Cause there's so many problems there do you know what I mean

whinging the toilet seats up of course it is I've had a piss like suck a bit of dick and play FIFA with your mates that's the dream now

yeah you've just basically described the gay experience innit yeah like if I could stomach all gay men are like oh my god

thank god we're not into vaginas And women Boys Let's play FIFA No but that's what I'm saying XXY That's my point

That's my special move But I If I could be me With my exact personality And all that But just Be into dick Would you go for a guy like yourself?

Be like Ah you big Love you You my husband You fucking bender Hey Or would you I'd like a twink Would you go for a guy like yourself? Be like, ah, you big wee. Love you. You're my husband, you fucking bender. Hey! Or would you, I'd like a twink. What's a twink?

Oh, a little thin, like, sparkly one. I think I'd go Asian. Honestly, if you... If I was giving the choice... Honestly, I know you're single now, but if you turned up at the hot water dressing room with a young Asian boyfriend, I would retire from comedy because it would have peaked.

All right, lads? All right, Paul? All right, Danny? All right, Mick? I can't wait to hear his name. Young Lyd here, Young Lyd's alright. Young Lyd? Have you introduced, have you met everyone?

Is that his name, Young Lyd? Mr Adam, he's very good to me Mr Adam is very good Mr Adam Take me Mene Nando I like podcast He sometimes play when we cuddle When we make magic cuddle He play podcast in background

Time for have a word I wish he let me write to my family When we make magic cuddle. He play podcast in background. Time for have a word. I wish he let me write to my family. This is already, by such a significant distance, the best episode we've ever done. There's not another episode that we've done in the past 103 that comes close to this. I'm sorry. And this is the week that my mate messaged me going

are you alright doing those jokes apparently I'm leaning the fuck in I'm so I said that on stage the other night I did a joke

about I said like telling a room full of British people that someone doesn't drink it's the same reaction as being at an orgy

and someone saying Dave's got AIDS right it's a stupid little joke and someone went oh oh I was like will you shut up i just lost it will you shut up it's i'm at a comedy club and i'm oh i obviously don't mean

it do i so people are dying loads of nines are dead so shut up this is not important i'm having a laugh shut up yeah if you're listening to this podcast and you're upset by anything shut up fuck off you can't you've come to us yeah you've come to us we this is why this is mental and you'll not agree with this but i'm getting close to the point the problem is when comedy live comedy is at its best there There's nothing like it. No. I'm saying that. But there's inconsistencies there that make it a difficult mistress. This, as long as he's had a coffee and a good night's sleep, is honestly, consistently, it's so, because it's mad. You don't have that in the room. You can't hear some couple talking. No talking no well what do you want from the

bar like oh it's that it's the freedom how can how can that be a bad thing like we know what we we think is funny and we get to do it like there isn't anyone going me and then at the same time if you're like oh these jokes aren't for me if you can watch all that we've done and go these guys are really offensive you know we're fucking about listen to listen to when we really have a conversation we're fucking really quite liberal fannies really yeah we've got a sense of humor and we like making jokes about this shit but you have come to us yeah we haven't we're not on your tv we're not on your fucking bb BBC we've not come to your PTA meeting imagine this imagine this podcast got booked to do the PTA meeting

oh I missed that it's time to have a word with Adam and the nonce Mr Adam what are we doing here what the train inspector oh yeah yeah we should tell that story. So, on the way down to London, we're on the Avanti West Coast.

I've hurt my ribs laughing. I've had like a, go on. From Runcorn to London, right? Avanti's now the new Virgin. Yeah, okay, cool. And the train inspector was just the rudest fucking bellend in the world

like I didn't have my mask on because it's a two hour journey and I am asthmatic and I said on the podcast last week I can't do it

I just can't like I can't breathe it's just a thing and I'm not I'm not like I totally understand if I'm going in a shop for five minutes

I'll put my mask on I will because I'm not like trying to be a knobhead but he come to our thing, he checked our tickets and said nothing. And then went on the fucking

the tannoy. By the way, Avanti, we'll give you a mic because the one they've got is it's like he's got a megaphone from the 1920s and it's just attached to like the fucking thing that Woody has in Toy Story so he's like

and he's done a full announcement and then he comes back in he's this camp bald guy dead tall like you and he comes in and he went and I just wasn't in the mood for him he went excuse me is the tannoy not working in this carriage

and I went no I didn't listen to him excuse me, is the tannoy not working in this carriage? And I went, no. I went, I didn't listen to her. I'm not listening. It's inaudible. And he went, well, you've got to have masks on. And I went, I don't actually, because I've got an exemption, a mask mask, and I can't wear it for two hours.

And he went, well, you shouldn't be on public transport then. I was like, oh, so how am I meant to get away? Do you want me to fucking run to London, you stupid bald cunt? I've learned my lesson with going to the internet about these things, right? From things that I've had. So I was like, let it go. But he couldn't. What did you tweet?

He tweeted Avanti Westcote. It's time to have a tweet with Sensei Carl. So I tweeted. Giving shit to Avanti. I tweeted to Avanti West Coast. It's time to have a tweet with Sensei Carl. So I tweeted. Giving shit to Avanti. I tweeted to Avanti. One of your train staff has just spoken to me like he found me sat in his fridge with my dick in his butter. Genuinely, one of the rudest, most condescending, bold men

I've ever had the displeasure to converse with at Avanti West Coast. They replied. They did reply. They replied. ever had the displeasure to converse with at Avanti West Coast they replied they replied they replied he said sorry to hear about that Carl

what did they say should we announce yeah just dead rude did they reply saying at Sensei Carl you can tell you're a linguist

I totally get everything but we're miles away from everyone and there's genuinely some people who just can't wear them. It was just such a horrible ball. I don't, if he was a customer that had a go,

then you'd be like, well, they're just uppity because they don't want to be wearing masks. And in their head, it's like, look, I'm doing it. Why can't you do it? But that's also not like in the co-op round our way, they're like, look, not everyone's medical problems are obvious. So please be respectful for the people that aren't wearing masks i think some people are like don't want to do it which is yeah annoying it's making it annoying for the people like i've got a

asthma issue i've got like what does a girl at laura's work who's got one fucking lung i think it might have been on the patreon actually when i fully explained the mask thing because i don't think we've done it publicly but a combination of, I've got asthma and because I was battered by a dormant when I was 17, I've got like a cut near the top of my nose and it scabs over so I don't really breathe through my nose, I'm a mouth

breather, right? I'm such a fucking mouth, you're the same aren't you? I've got a fucked up nose. So I struggle for different anyway like it's really quite shit i'm gonna have to go to doctors or something we can get this done because it's really fucking bad carl donnelly's just had it done yeah just had yeah it's horrendous looks more jewish i'm not trying to be a dickhead sorry i've just been a dick that was too far sorry i'll play the game chat if i'm going in a shop like we've been around town and i go to

go in some place some shops are like yeah just come in and i don't put my mask on because if i don't need to i'm not going to wear it but like some of them go could you put a mask on please yeah no problem and i'll put it on if i'm only going to be in for a few minutes but two hours on a bastard train i literally wouldn't be able to breathe it's not like you can go outside and get some fresh air so yeah what a fuck he a fuck... He was dead... He should know better. He should... Sorry. He should know, though.

He works for Avanti. Yeah. He knows the people with exemption. You shouldn't be on public transport. Oh. So, you just can't go to work. You just can't...

Yeah, he's being a roninazzi, isn't he? And his mate's in the shop. What did I say? That was funny. So, I went to the shop and he'd already pissed me off by this point. Right? Me and him. Like, that was dead rude I went to the shop and he'd already pissed me off by this point right

me and him like that was dead rude that wasn't it he was a lot ruder than we're making out by the way like it was bigger than this I don't want to go on

about it too much it was just such a condescending horrible like sassy you know that type of customer service where it's overly nice which makes it the rudest thing

well here's the thing sir right just listen, sir. I'm doing my job, sir. Like, that sort of thing. It was that. And I hate that. I'd rather him go, put your fucking mask on, dickhead.

And then I can go, I can't, mate. Soz. Like, I could deal with that so much easier than what he did. Well, he turned to me and went, have you got asthma as well? And I went, yeah. And he went, course you have. But I've got a messed up nose, so I've got a genuine. But I went into the shop,

and the guy in the shop was almost as rude as that guy. So I walked in and he went, is there a reason you haven't got a mask? And I went, yep. That was it. Put myself on the finger and paid for them. I feel like, I know where it's coming from. They're just going about it the wrong way

that's exactly what we said they could literally just go sir I'm really sorry but just for everyone else's safety and my safety we're asking people to wear masks

and you could go apologies I've got an issue and I can't wear it and then they yeah then it's a more polite it's the same conversation

without the fucking arsiness I'm going to write a routine about train conductors because train conductors for a long, as far as I'm concerned, have been the biggest cunts in the world. Like, I hate them. They're always condescending, power-mad people who could...

Oh, there's some belters, though, in there. The occasional character who's like, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the chamber, we'll be hurtling along. It's so rare, though. But it's fun when it happens. And you know why they stand out? Because there's a load of arseholes. Train managers want to be dormant, but they can't fight. That's what rare though. But it's fun when it happens. And you know why they stand out? Because there's a load of arseholes.

Train managers want to be dormant, but they can't fight. That's what it is. They want the power of, this is my thing, and I can kick you out whenever I want. Yeah. They're audible.

You ever seen a fit one? It weirdly is quite arousing. You've got to think. When they're wearing like a, like a trans-Pennine Express fucking badge, and like her hair her hair's pulled back because she's fit but she's in like business mode so it's like in a in a bobble and like the the blue work pants are a little bit too tight like it's a uniform that you have to be fit to make it look like if you've been to ikea they've made everyone look like they work in the fucking Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Everyone looks like fucking Umpelumpers It's the least forgiving uniform I've ever seen If you remember a staff at Ike Inn You look fit in that You are a literal ten when you get to jazz yourself up I remember going over to Leeds Fit train conductor

Transpennine Express Did something to me like She's like an air of authority I think you've got your rail card Conductor, Transpennine Express, did something to me like, she's like an air of authority, like, have you got your rail card? Get your feet off that seat. I told you about the time I got a fine for having my feet on a seat. Going from Chester to Liverpool.

This is ruining my fantasy. Have I told this on the pod? Have I told you before? It's fucking ages ago If I have anyway I was going from Chester To Liverpool And those shit

Mersey travel trains Right Rickety as fuck But like there's a seat And then a metal bit And then the other seat And I just had my foot On the metal bit

Right And this fucking Train busy come over You know the ones Who like They don't do real crimes But they can be the train ones Yeah Come over And he had his little camera on They've never made That TV show have they? fucking train busy come over. You know, the ones who like, they don't do real crimes, but they can be the train ones.

Yeah. Come over, he had his little camera on. They've never made that TV show, have they? Train busies. They were so tuned and everything, innit?

Train busies. Train busies. Arresting people on platforms. Go on. He come over, and he read me like me Miranda rights. Right? So he goes, so you've got your feet on the seats there, that carries a maximum fine up to

blah blah blah, I do have the information to tell you, you're not under arrest, and if, you can choose not to say anything, but it may harm your defence if this goes to court or whatever, he done all that and I gave him all my information and I ended up with like, it was

meant to be like a 60 quid fine but I just didn't pay it because it went to my dad's and at the time I lived in Chester I wasn't talking to my dad and it mounted up I ended up with a fucking bailiff at my house and I had to just give him cash at the time

it was horrendous but I keep going back to that moment because he told me I'm not under arrest and I have the right to remain silent and you gave him the deets yeah I was like I could have just sat there until I got to my arrest and I have the right to remain silent. And you gave him the deets? Yeah. I was like, I could have just sat there until I got to my destination and fucked off.

You fucking self-grass. Yeah. Grassed on myself. Imagine if I'd used that. If I'm doing... Not under arrest. Okay. Just kept doing that.

Oh, you could just do an Elton John. Do you remember when we hid from... We didn't hide. It's a shit train fantasy, by the way, sex-wise. Remember when you pretended on the train with the train inspector? Pretended that you were asleep? It was you...

Oh, no, it was you. I pretended to be asleep. Oh, this was so fucking stupid. This was years... This was about eight, nine years ago when we were, you know, still adults and it's still quite bad. This was so long ago.

It was 21. So we just come up with this idea for no real reason. Me and Carl, coming back from London, weren't we? Yeah. And we had a weekend of drinking and you hung over

and you got that stupid fun energy. So I was like, right, when the train inspector comes down i'll pretend to be asleep and you pretend you don't know me you're by the window aren't you right oh yeah so i'm leaning against the window and the train inspector comes to him and goes uh got your ticket and gives it and she went, could you just wake him up for me? And he goes, oh, I don't know him. And she goes, well, I need to check his ticket.

Could you just give him a nudge? And he grabbed me and went, hey! On this fucking packed train. I was like, what the fuck's going on? And I went like what the fuck's going on and I went what the fuck are you doing and the woman went sorry we were just

trying to wake you up because I need to check your ticket and I was like oh yeah no problem at all gave her it and then put it to go back to sleep

you had the ticket all along oh yeah I had my ticket it was just I thought you were trying to dodge the ticket you just wanted to fuck with the woman

yeah we just wanted to fuck with the woman yeah we just wanted to fuck with the woman funny as fuck amazing boys we just need to send out a bit of love to a friend of the podcast and then we'll have a little interval we've got a guest coming on in the second half

and I'm really looking forward to it one of our weirdest originals one of our day one is we're not going to name her because it's not really anyone's business but we know she's having uh we'll say she's having some surgery today and that's as far as we'll go with it and we love you mate and we're wishing you all the best and you're just listen all the when you hear this you'll be recovering. And, yeah, I think everyone's thinking of you. So, mate, let's have an interval. That has been a lot of fun, and I've got slightly hurty tits. Let's have a break, and then we're going to be back with Brennan Rees in a minute.

Order, order, order. Like John Bercow says, if you'd like to order some merchandise, get to haveawordpod.com. For the old motherfuckers that's www.haveawordpod.com get yourself some t-shirts hoodies support the podcast there's loads of other stuff up there go and have a look at the website haveawordpod.com oh please leave that in from the audio from the camera welcome back naughty could you do the face though uh i just did i did elton

john singing i'm still standing the irony of a disabled person singing i'm still standing yeah who sat down we're back brennan reese is here i'll tell you what was nice today because we all did a gig together recently didn't we, in Liverpool? Yeah. And did you see the tweets? No. I said, I've got one of my mates coming in the studio today

to be one of my best mates in comedy, coming in to be the guest on the podcast. And a girl who was there that night was like, when are you getting this guy on? I need to know his name again so I can find his stuff and put a picture of me and you. I really had a lasting impact. I was on for a third of the show and they

went what's that thing that was on in the middle what's that what was that he looks like he do not remember your name did he they just don't we had someone on the we sort of briefly mentioned this at the start of the podcast on youtube on our youtube channel on an episode said, I really like the guy on the right, but I don't know who he is. How have you found it? It's fine. It's fine. I'll take the view. I'm a whore for the views.

It's the right guy. Did you ever decide who was going to sit where? Or was it like a natural thing? Are you like Ant and Dec or? I wanted to be this side because I had the, I, this is loosely, this is like bloody June.

We started doing sketches, Adam sketch of this place about a month before we built it is weirdly spot on to how we, we, we got like, um, but I thought we were going to have him in an armchair and the guest in an armchair but i needed a table because of this because i've done since the start of the podcast i've had the drive of it now carl's doing a lot but i'm so used to having stuff i've prepped and whatever but then it felt better to have adam on a desk as well and then we but we found this in like where did you

find this find this in an office clearance store. What even shape is that? So it's podcast hosting shape. It was more like a V than it is now. And it's like an executive corner there. So you're meant to sit there. And then you've got like a V in front of you, into this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're meant to sit that side.

But we found it. And I was like, let's just cut the front off and paint it black because this is like start you know like that audible like creamy yellow office stuff oh it looks like a prosthetic leg color yeah yeah do you know why don't you go like why have you picked that like it's not even tanned it's here here at beige company we like everything beige Furniture Walls Staff Average accountants Here at

So this is all This has been spray painted And then glossed And then we found the sheet To go around it But And then couch And then couch

For the guests 40 quid That couch was from Bulky Bob's Clearing Store I've been here for 10 minutes And I've seen some of the clips And I go On my way

I was excited but nervous Because you've had like Like you know Someone off YouTube Who's got loads I've been here for 10 minutes and I've seen some of the clips and I go, on my way, I was excited but nervous because you've had like, you know, someone off YouTube who's got loads. I've been here for 10 minutes and we're talking about a table that you found in a skip and I've gone, fuck, they're going to struggle getting views on this one. No, no, no. We get a lot of shares off furniture nonces.

They're like, oh, God. Talk about the British Heart Foundation, Brennan. If you're going to fuck a furniture, your nonces they're like oh god talk about the British Heart Foundation Brennan if you were gonna fuck a furniture you mentioned furniture what would you have a go on and we're off

oh so would you be honest please fucking is that what oh erm I

you've gotta go for the centre point to the couch I think everyone had a go at that when they were a teenager didn't they or down the back of it

no so see that bit between the two cushions where your knee is oh yeah oh this bit is full of cum yeah how'd you get your dick there though you get erect you get on your knees on your knees yeah what in the very dead middle of the couch so you you kneel in front of the couch? Oh, that bit. I thought you meant the really, like, down the crevice. Imagine, right, imagine that is Laura's butthole and she's facing the window. Good. I mean, it's...

I'd be in a different bedroom. It does feel like bum than fanny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As a 13-year-old, you don't explore the... Bum's not even an option. Stop. Stop. Did you fuck furniture as a child i did yeah did you fuck a bit of furniture yeah yeah to the point of jizzing your little 13

year old knickknacks i reckon the first my mom's gonna see this as well the first time i the first time i ever she will watch this what you're doing i'll show it later she i remember the first time i ever like came yeah and it was on my mom and dad's 504 5.04 have you hyped yourself up in the car what have you been doing you look like you've come in like this is what we play for

and then we were like yeah so we got the table from here and you've almost been like this is disappointing would you fuck a chair have you had a bit of beak in the fucking car park? I've never had a drug in my life But I have fun fixed That was my drug

First time you came First time I came I think it's when channel 5 became a thing Can I just double check before we carry on When you say the first time you came Do you mean the first time you came As in like something came out Because the first time nothing happens does it

And you just feel like you've broke it what what no you don't have like a ghost first time I had a wank nothing I was like six or something

six you weren't six no you weren't six you just had a failed piss no I no I did I did it

and I had like a feeling I was like oh that was nice but nothing came out you had a wank at six I don't know how old I was I didn't write the date I was young like nothing came out nothing came out. You had a wank at six? I don't know how old I was. I didn't write the date down, but I was young. Like, nothing came out.

Nothing came out, but I felt all fuzzy. He was selling weed at eight. It's fucking classic Duffcoat memories. I remember being on the streets when I was two. It was a fucking... There was an armed robbery of a fucking Tonka truck. He loves it. Yeah, yeah.

I was shagging birds at seven, wanking at six. I was married with two kids at 11. I was 17 before I lost my virginity. I think I've told you this before. I had like a little mild depression when I was young because I remember like-

So you had a wank at six? I don't know if I was- You were selling drugs at eight, you were depressed by 10. Yeah. Fuck off. It's the worst Craig David coming of all time

i was working when i was six um i had like a thing where like i was like 11 or something and i'd been wanking i'd been wanking for time you're done like at school like you know wanker was an insult and i remember walking home from school one day being like, I am a wanker. Like, I'm a wanker. And it got to me in my soul. I was like, but I am a wanker. Everyone uses wanker as a put-down, and I am one of them.

When you're that age, you're a wanker, and you're young enough to think you should say, no, I'm not. You only have to be 16, 17 to go, yeah, of course. Because I've got a dick. Yeah, I struggled with that mentally for years. He didn't. He just fucked stools, poofs.

Office chairs. You're not allowed to call them that anymore. But you can fuck them. It's encouraged. It's encouraged It's encouraged It's the first time you came The first Yeah I think the first time

I remember coming anyway And you're gonna Remember coming And what have you blocked out Tell us about church Tell us about church My mind went to the exact same place Where I was full of water

I was on my parents bed And they were downstairs And there was an old You know when you have a special telly In your mum and dad Like another telly And Channel 5 was on it And I remember coming

But coming on a cushion Like a velvet cushion You fucking animal But I didn't know what Of all the things to jizz on A velvet cushion mate that's the end of that cushion yeah of course it is but i didn't know what to wank on a megabus stand yeah i've had one but i didn't rub it into the megabus what did you do with your jizz i can't remember

but i think it involved my underwear you just into your undies and just accepted that you were gonna sit in your own jizz for hours i had a w wank on a megabus. I've had a wank on a bus. And a train. I have had a wank on a train. He is the guest I've always wanted. I told him this for the first time yesterday.

I have had a wank on a train. I never mentioned this when you brought it up because I felt like bad, but I have had a wank on a train. Yeah. As an adult, I've had a wank on a train.

Good. What? Yeah. Right, there's too many stories going on. Are they all involved first time you came velvet cushion and then virgin i had to turn it just turn it up because you can't throw a cushion you can't go downstairs with a cushion up your top yeah so i just turned it over and left it so that's that what happened i don't know. Never been brought up. Your dad got in fucking shit for that, you know.

What's your dad's name? Les. Les! You've been wanking on the pillars again, love! Oh, Barbara, the snails. We've had a really bad... It must be snails. Close the windows!

I told you! Late summer! You can have a go at me. Well, you could have a go at me, but it's embarrassing, isn't it, if you go into an 11-year-old's room with a rock-hard cushion and go, what's that? What's that? Look look at this brennan you dirty bastard

this is velour you filthy cunt mom you're not even irish i'm doing a pizza yeah yeah i've had one kind train. As an adult? Yeah. Or when you were six? No, like in the past sort of 18 months or two years. In the past 18 months? To two years. Oh, well, those six months, yeah, we can forgive it. As long as it's 20 months.

If it's 15, I'd be fucking disgusted. And also six months of those have been locked down, so... Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I'm hungover, I need to wank. Right. I need to do it. I know what you mean. It feels like you've got a demon in you. Yeah.

And you're like, I have to get the bath stuff out. So I don't just do it on a seat like you did. Because you were just on the back seat, which is disgusting. No one saw it. No one saw it. I just go to the bathroom and sort of like, you know, like in porn when at the end the girl's like, ah, I just, I imagine the toilet is the woman.

Do you? Why is it such a hard grip as well? When you, like, mine's like a nice- It's a very thin penis. Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen style. Ooh. But yours is, like, you're trying to rip the end off it. Yeah.

Yeah. I come into the toilet's mouth. Oh. Oh. I'll tell you what. Let me just- Shut up! Upset me. Upset me, nasty bitch! I'll tell you what Let me just Shut up Upset me

Nasty bitch I'll tell you It's Kane Brown I Yeah I came out the toilet And there was just like A middle aged woman

Waiting to go for a wee And I couldn't look at her No I was like But yeah I assumed she was going for me Maybe she was just going to have a fap You never know do you

When you feel When you've done it On public transport though You feel like Do you know when you walk back to your seat fap you never know do you when you feel when you've done it on public transport though you feel like do you know when you walk back to your seat and it's hot you feel like everyone

knows what you've just done yeah everyone's just like oof and you're like yeah in a virgin toilet is that what you did it yeah and the worst bit is

there's that speech that goes on do you know where it goes don't throw like broken dreams down there but it doesn't say anything about jizz doesn't say anything about jizz

I listened I was like I'm okay. Fucking animals. I love it. And it's quite fun as well because you're tilting. At least I had the good grace

to go to the bathroom. Did you do it in the bathroom as well? Yeah, well, I've done it. I've done it several times, to be honest. How horny are you? Have you masturbated since we've had this conversation?

Are you doing it now? Yeah. Just rubbing myself up against the sofa. The first time i did it was on a not normal train but out in the carriage bit and it was the bit you know where the two seats face each other where you put your feet on the seats just in that bit and i come in a uh just a coffee cup i put the lid on it it's not going to spill but I just Brennan his cream's off

I was about 14 it's congealed oh my god trying to empty your coffee like that putting a knife in what do you think about Brexit

do you know what right it's like jizz in a cup I don't know no I was just joking good because I don't follow it I don't vote I don't understand it I literally What do you think about Brexit? Do you know what? It's like jizz in a cup. I don't know. No, I was just joking. Good, because I don't follow it. I didn't vote. I don't understand it.

I didn't literally want to go from jizz in a coffee cup to Brexit. Talking about jizz in a coffee cup. Tell me about the Tories' policy on Brexit. I got more panic then because I'm quite happy talking about wagging on public transport illegally. But when you talked to me about politics, was like oh god I know fuck all about this it's too confusing I'm well known as one of the best travel wank comedians but political satire

is just beyond me and frankly distasteful I knew this was going to be a good episode but fuck me this is funny I think I did it on the way do you remember when we went to Dubai I think I did it on that plane oh hang on now that's a seven hour flight and i think the good people even though

the devout muslims of gulf air or fucking emirates you know i think there's like maybe you know i think they understand but i think you know on a virgin train from fucking stoke to london you should probably just hold it in when it's and then do it when it's when it's yeah toilets are free now i'm here the capital i'm not paying 30p for a wank if i can get it for free but i just think i think on a on a mammoth fly i almost think there'd be like a gentleman's agreement like oh there should be a wanker there should be like a room to go to the toilet and then another one's going to have one what like are they have the prayer bit in in airports you go you go in the other one it's just loads of men like on the knees hey welcome to dubai international airport here we have

a praying section is there a japanese man working there no No, this is my Middle Eastern generic. And here we have smoking area and here is Brennan Reese's VIP wanky room. You alright? How about a fucking bastard at a flight? Yeah, but for those long stopovers, do you know what you do in four hours

and you go to Australia or whatever? Yeah, everyone's like, oh yeah, we know those Australian flights. Where have you done internationally where's your what's your sort of international comedy cv so you don't know brendan by the way he's a fucking brilliant comedian started around the same time as as adam yeah we started a very similar time and then you sort of took off a bit quicker than me you were doing the clubs when i was still doing sort of newer act spots and stuff um and then we didn't really see each other

for about a year or two at one point because we were all doing that middle bit where they have a new person on yeah where you never see your mates

for a couple of years I didn't see Steve Shaniasky for five years it's mad isn't it because we were the same age and the bookings would come from

the same people and they'd be like right headliners Dan and Steve so we'd be like oh Steve was here last month or whatever. It's weird how you get in a little lane.

Well, we were the mid-lacks of that. Like, we were getting those 15-minute ones in the middle for like 50 and 100 quid and whatever. And we didn't see each other for a while. But then you get to a point where one of you is headlining or comparing or whatever. And yet we did Dubai together, didn't we? Joe, it's weird.

We don't see each other that often. When we do, we get on dead well. Really good mates. But he brings out the naughty, like we've been in trouble together. Like, consistent trouble more times

with him than with anyone, including Carl. Yeah, because he's like trouble pair meeting ratio with me and you.

Brennan's dangerous because he looks like he's just like fallen out of the CBB studio and actually there's dangerous because he looks like he's just like falling out of the cbb studio and actually there's a fucking gremlin there's evil in there inside you've talked about this with me where you say if you said the things you say in life on stage it just would be wrong yeah it doesn't fit your hi i'm brennan and everything like can we can i tell the stories yeah right so what what about him has given off a vibe of like let's keep this like hi, I'm Brennan and everything. Can I tell the stories? Yeah. Right.

So what about him has given off a vibe of like, let's keep this family friendly? I mean, I can talk about wagon and public transport, but if you say I hate bacon in front of you, I'm going to be lynched. So at one point, me and Brennan were both single men. And later that night, we ended up sleeping in his car in Liverpool.

So this is a true story he parked his car by lime street station in a um like after six free public park and if you don't know liverpool really well known very very safe area of liverpool not in any way rapey yeah you can get car park and spaces prostitutes and cocaine all within a stone's throat of each other and it was you'd done a gig for hot water I don't think I had done or maybe I don't know

was I on I think you had because if I'm right and I might be wrong you'd done their gig and I came back from Alexander's or the Laugh-In

or something in Chester and I just popped in because it used to be in the Holiday Inn over the road from and I was like you're right

and I was like do you want to come for a drink? And a few of us went out. And we were in Igloo, which has since become Ink. And we saw, like, a few of our friends work there. We get a few free drinks and stuff. And we got talking to these three girls. Now, look at his beautiful little face. Oh, yeah.

Two of them wanted to fuck him. Like, we were like like we will both fuck you and then there was the other one who honest to god to fuck me so they you say willing she went but that's how she that's how she chatted him up she went well we all can't have a go on him but that was my reaction too like there was total ambivalence from both me and him. Like, should we just, because they're going to, right? Oh my God. The two trolls at the back.

So depressing. They would have got like locked horns, literally. They were like. Like they just were a bit. Yeah. It wouldn't have been nice to look at. Yeah. It wouldn't have been one that I'd have put in me hall of fame.

Do you know what I mean? It was a pre-season friendly that you don't really give a shit about and no one's trying the best you just don't want to get injured the singapore suzuki cup yeah it's an international friendly one if you come back without any injuries you just go it doesn't matter what the result was yeah yeah he did a good 60 minutes we brought him off we um they went oh we're staying in an apartment around the corner do you want to come back and we were like yeah and so we walked back we didn't say we weren't like yes and we were like like we were i think we giggled around the corner and we walked back and we went to go in and there's this security guard on like a fucking power trip and he goes not allowed guests everyone who's

registered is allowed no one no one no guests we were like, come on, mate. Just be a man and let... Like, you can see what... It's their room. They've asked us. Yeah. Come on. They'll even let you have a go at that one over there. I'll do it.

What do I need to do to get these money then? We're like, come on, don't be that guy. Just don't be. And he was like, no, you can't come in. You can't come in. So one of the girls come over to me. He's still't be that guy. Just don't be. And he was like, no, you can't come in. You can't come in. So one of the girls come over to me. He's still arguing with the guy. He goes, run round the back of the building

and I'll let you in the fire exit. Right? Which wasn't a use. Big girl, run round the back. Imagine it's called the fire exit. So I'm going to Brennan, come on, we've got to go. And he's like, no, I'm going to talk to him. And I going to Brennan come on we've got to go and he's like no I'm going to talk

to him and I was like come on we've got to go so we get outside and I was like we've got to run round the back and it's like

in the middle of like a long block of buildings so you have to go right round the street to the back and I was like we're going to get in

we're going to get in and we run round to the back and we got right to the back door and the security guard was just stood there just do you think I'm fucking stupid?

It literally walked about four steps. Yeah. Did you not get in? No. Oh God. So me and him went and slept in his car in Liverpool. I live in Liverpool. Do you know, also,

you've missed out the bit where you genuinely thought, can we climb this? Because every lad who's like, listen, we're about to get laid. you've missed out the bit where you genuinely thought can we climb this because because every every lad who's like listen we're about to get laid what floor did they say like like they were in the window like on the balcony where they throw pringles at us yeah oh no come on you'll be like fathers for justice you can do it literally just fucking sticking your erection into every, like, Fathers for Justice or Pervades for Puss Puss.

You are absolutely on fire today. Jesus. I've not heard the term Puss Puss. No. Since I was at Pets at Home in 2003. Honestly, if this was, like, a fucking Olympic event, like, Sada would piss test him.

He is so full of Costa, it's unbelievable. And I can tell- He went to me before, you know when you've had a coffee and I was like, I haven't even said I've had a coffee and he's like, you've had a coffee.

Switching. I was born with that. When he's had a fucking big, big, big coffee, he keeps looking at me like, it's like fucking scary. That's what we were like,

running around the fucking building. so you went to dubai together yeah we went dubai together oh those foreign trips are mental aren't they especially when you're a young comic you're like sorry you're gonna pay the flights and pay his food and pay his money to go so far away okay yeah i'll be all right yeah i've done dubai the year before and I did Dubai with two other comics an American guy called Lewis Ramey and Jojo Sutherland and I love Jojo, I don't really know Lewis but I love Jojo but

they're both 52 years of age, they were at the time and I was like, I got there and I was like what day are we going to the water park and they were like, I'm going to a fucking water park I just want to sit in the hotel for two weeks and I was like, I love the Laughter Factory Gayle who runs it is great Duncan and Ken who ken who look after you it's you really well looked after the gigs of fun you get looked after food and drink wires and all that but towards the end of

the run she was like we normally leave it like two years before we bring a comic back but would you come back next year because you write a lot of new stuff i've seen it on you and i was like yeah look can i be cheeky i'll come back can, like, pick one of the other acts. Mate, totally. I've turned down a foreign trip just on the, like, who else is going, like, nope. No way. Well, yeah, Bahrain sounds nice, but that doesn't look good.

Two weeks is a long time to be with people who don't want to do what you want to do. So I text Brennan because I was like, she was like, yeah, but, you know, we've got standards here standards they used to have the comedy store book those gigs and she books to myself now because there's been like a massive economic change in dubai and they have to cut back on costs so she was like i'll book it myself she's like you know the standard of actually and i was like well he plays the store and he's done live at the apollo so i feel like you reckon i feel like that is a good enough thing let me just just try Michael McIntyre. Oh, that's right.

He's not up for it. You fucking idiot. Let's get us out. So yeah, I asked Brennan. He was like, yeah. And I just put them in touch. And then we went in November last year. Was it last year?

Yeah. 2019. It seems so long ago. It seems like about five years ago. But yeah, there's a picture of me and him in there. You know, those dinghies. Oh, I got stuck in a dinghy at the water park. Stuck in a rubber ring. Oh, stuck in a dinghy. Oh, there's so many things you want to see in your lifetime and i didn't realize like a shooting star and you and a fucking rubber dinghy i had to help him out

of it like you know we nearly got our hands cut off because he thought we were gay in like the dip but it has got a hole all the way well because as i tried to get out i slipped and my legs went through it and i was too fat so i got stuck in the hole is there a picture yeah it was a picture we paid to have the picture so that you know the people that come around um fun fairs and that and they go oh do you want a picture and then you pay 70 quid to have a picture at the end we paid just to get him in the filling of a donut he was can we tweet it later oh absolutely oh there's one picture from the same day when i'm going fucking ham down oh i remember that oh yeah you really did make yourself look like it was like it's not on my instagram we take we take them out to dubai every 12 months they love it they really love it

oh bless him oh you can't quite see it but Adam's fucking you can slide this in oh there's some there's some good fucking tits there

yeah that's the nice thing about because I've got into my 30s and I when you probably both met me I was a slender man so I was a bit nervous

about going to the water park but then it was going to be with you and Rich Wilson and I when you probably both met me I was a slender man so I was a bit nervous about going to the water park but then it was going to be with you and Rich Wilson and I thought I will I'll be alright because you've lost loads of weight but you're

like now people are like whoa you look great yeah but what they mean is you look better you look better you don't look as bad

you look less shit yeah yeah that's what they mean and I think I can say this 10 years into knowing you. If I look like that, people would be ringing me mum. It's the same joke.

It's so good. Is Brendan like, is Brendan having like a steroid-based treatment? Oh, fucking brilliant. But I've become self-conscious now because I used to be so skinny because you went through like- Oh, I've been up and down and i'm on the up again but was that the cambridge food

oh i remember when you were selling no no i've done jogging i've done full-on fucking cambridge weight loss i've done like the which is basically like posh posh slim fast and now i'm creeping back up but you you were like indie indie kid thin yeah i was like sort of like third world kooks ill yeah yeah like i remember like being on a bill with you like a bisexual on the front row of glastonbury yeah that's what you did being being on a bill with you the northern heavyweights and i mean like figuratively heavyweight and also like literally big lads and then you with like skin tight jeans that they couldn't get over the fucking wrist it's just and that's sort of comedy's changed like that but there is a lot of like thanks very much thank you like the big lads

and then like brennan's like hi you're right just sort of like mincing and flouncing about there was a moment about two years ago i had to get rid of my like spray on skinny jeans and i thought this is it and it was horrible like you know the bag wasn't very big but it was it was it just felt like oh i'm becoming i'm becoming one of them fat comics you're not becoming a fat comic but i could do i can't tell you right now how much right there is not many things i want to see more in the world than you get like Freddie Quinn level of fat. I mean, I wouldn't let it happen. That is, that must hurt. I'm friends with Freddie,

but that must be an effort to fucking get out and about. Because he is. Oh, Freddie. I'm not Freddie, but he's fat, isn't he? He tells me all the time. He's gutted that I'm not as fat anymore because he feels, he said misery loves company. This is no one-way street.

But if you got, like, massive, like, that'd just be the best thing. Like, imagine him dead fat. Wouldn't you feel good about yourself? Oh, I'd be grateful. Yeah. I'd be awful. Yeah. But I remember one time, I think we were out of summer,

and Freddie said to you, you're fatter than me. To me? To you. Yeah. And you weren't having any of it because you're not. Close, but you're not. But he believed it. He was going, no, you are.

Yeah. I'm just taller. And you're like, you're not even that much taller. It's literally like watching fucking seven-year-olds go, I'm taller than you. No, you're not as tall as me. It doesn't matter. You're both seven

You little shit Let's lie on our backs And go stomach to stomach No no But weirdly With girls I can't Skinny little

Skinny things Skinny little girls You nearly said that didn't you Skinny Skinny little girls Oh no That's my type Fucking

Skinny little girls Yeah Little girls Alright Yeah little girls oh no that's my type like a fucking skinny little girls yeah little girls alright yeah not little like petite women yeah

over the age of I don't know what my limit is anymore no as in like how old are you I'm 33 right so 23 and 43

you can't go 43 You can't go What you can't go but I thought you could go I thought you could punch up as much as you want No I mean do you want to Do I want to go higher than 43 I don't have a need to But if the right 45 year old came along No but you have got a top end limit

Brennan Brennan Come and put my teeth in and then give us a good old banging. Honest to God, if I was a single man and say an 85-year-old incontinent woman said, go on, it's Christmas. You'd take off the Santa beard

and be like, this one's for like i'd film it yeah what for content yeah for content two minute video i'd i'd fuck an old old old woman i think i would i actually think i would not like regularly no i would like regularly i wouldn't i was not saying text her back i wouldn't i would i would fuck her i'd fucking how old would you give her three rings when you got it i give her three rings when you got in just to let her know like hello love i'm inside you right i got there all right lovely would you like a cup of tea? I think it'd be weird. I think it'd feel different. Really?

Yeah. Do you think? Do you think an 85-year-old might feel a touch different? I think it'd feel like, do you know when you're under your sink how you've got a carrier bag full of carrier bags?

Yeah. I think it'd feel like fucking that. Oh, God, he's fucked his carrier bag pile. I would do it just to be able to, like, you know life is a buffet and I'm here for all the entrees that's not a good bit

of the buffet though is it that's like at the very end you know when it's like 11.30pm is that a samosa or is it something else

is that calamari or onion rings I want to know what it tastes like I wouldn't do I wouldn't be doing that you wouldn't dive no I would not

why are you messing like it's alright putting your widge in it, but to taste, you know... Battery acid? Yes. Yeah. I don't even think it'd be battery.

It'd be like sulfuric acid. It'd be... It wouldn't be right. How the fuck did you get out of Muslim Dubai alive, you two? One overheard conversation in Dubai Pizza Hut. You could have been imprisoned for life. We did. He nearly got me killed by a do YouTube. One overheard conversation in like Dubai Pizza Hut. You could have been imprisoned for life. We did.

He nearly got me killed by a doorman last year. Should we tell that one? In the film. Oh God. What, a doorman fired you? Why were you trying to like crack onto his name?

Do you want to tell us your version of the story? Because it'll be slightly different. Is this when we went into the beer? It's called Beer Engine. We had Beer Engine or whatever. So me, Binti, Binti was there too. And the entirety of Hot Water Comedy Club staff be slightly different it was this when we went into the beer the beer engine beer engine so me binti binti was there too and the entirety of hot water comedy club staff are all barred for life

from beer engine and it's his fault i think i were in the wrong no i don't think we were absolutely not but whenever i walk past i feel like i'm about to get my head kicked in so we go in and i'm with some mates and you'd come in after the the hot water show and we wanted some food so i said can i order a pizza and they said yeah i said oh can i get it to order to the bar and the guy was a bit of a knob and he goes yeah if you want so the thing comes over it's on a paddle and i'm eating the pizza and the guy goes you can't eat it at the bar and i went well i've ordered it to the bar why can't i have it to the bar and he goes no you're not allowed um so move it so i picked it it to the bar why can't i have it to the bar and he goes no you're not allowed um so move it so i picked it up from the bar and ate it stood at the bus stood at the

bar you hovered it slightly over the bar well there was no tables for you see so it wasn't like i think that's why you did it you went look i haven't there's no tables but can i just order food to the bar and they were like yeah and then took his money, gave him a pizza and said, you can't eat that at the bar. So he drunkenly went, well, I'm no longer at the bar. And he literally, the guy just went, kick him out.

And the doorman just grabbed him. Didn't care that the pizza went everywhere and just marched him out the fucking door. Face into the door. I think you might've missed a comment. Yeah. Now, now, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That seemed mental. So let's just go through the story so far. Brennan is quietly eating a snack. And he's like, I'm so sorry, sir. There seems to be no spaces around. Next minute, someone broke his jaw with a knuckle duster and fingered him as they threw him through a window. And now let's track back and have more

truth so what happened was i get this thing when i'm drunk where i go i feel like i'm invincible so i'm eating the finger the guy goes you're not allowed to do it and i'm not at the bar so we had a bit of a to and fro he just sort of goes fucks off and i finish the pizza and i put the paddle on the bar and then i call him over and i go that pizza was delicious and he went you're being a cun and i went well we've got something in common then oh that is can i just give you a round of applause for that that That is beautiful control. And then... I did forget that, but... Suddenly, my face is in the front door of the engine,

beer engine or whatever it's called. I still think it's an overreaction on their part, there being bellends. You can see why they're slightly annoyed, because they've probably dealt with bellends that day, that week, but what composure to be like... But we're still outside because like we left obviously with him we were just gonna leave him and uh like binti's talking to him and so am i and he's like

what have we been kicked out for though because like the dorm because the guy sat the guy in the bar as a knob and then you you sort of backed off because we me and binti can just go over there because the guys knew me as a comic and knew binti was from hot water so i'm talking to the doorman and then the you know the little doorman who's always the angriest one ratty one got right in the face yeah but i knew he was filming i knew he was like just filming in case it kicked off we were gonna have like the evidence of it. So I had all the confidence of whatever happens to this on camera. So he's in my face.

He's like, I'll fucking kill you. I'll fucking snap your neck. And I was like, please snap my neck. Please punch me in the face right now. I had my hands behind my back. I'm like, look, I'm just talking to you. I haven't done anything wrong. I've left because you've kicked my mate out. But I don't think he should have been kicked out. I'm like, look, I'm just talking to you. I haven't done anything wrong. I've left because you've kicked my mate out.

But I don't think he should have been kicked out. I was like, okay, we'll kill me. Even said, come round the corner. Like, who's doing that? Going, oh, okay. Come round the corner, down that alleyway. I'll get you back in the back door. And you went round and there was girls throwing Pringles.

Fucking hell, lads, we've been waiting years. Climb the wall. Fucking Gruffalo's dying for a shot. Oh, yeah. He brings out the worst in me, but the best at the same time. Did the bouncer do anything? No. Did you literally stand out?

The thing is, guys, when I'm angry and when I'm upset, like, this eye is quite terrifying. So when you're that close, you know, I think he shits himself. I think he was like. Do you know what I've noticed? When you get angry, they go, like,

that one comes back. Yeah, straighter. It's very focused. And then at the end, it snaps back. Yeah. So you know he's finished.

Very focused. It's like when I'm pissed. Like Mad Eye on Harry Potter. Yeah. Yeah. Is that what happens? That's why I'm better at Tanooka when I'm drunk as well. Because the alcohol puts my eyes straight and I'm pissed? Like Mad-Eye on Harry Potter. Yeah, yeah. Is that what happens? That's why I'm better than Tanooka when I'm drunk as well. Because the alcohol puts my eyes straight and I'm like...

Do you think that's like a genetic thing? Like almost like a survival of the fittest? Like... Well, it's a lazy eye. It's lazy. It's not that it doesn't work. It can't be arsed. It can't be arsed, but when it's fucking game time...

So out on the Serengeti, the rows of like... You know what I mean? Like prehistoric adam rose like fucking out like the big eyebrows and then fucking saber tooth like his ancestors like a fucking twat a saber tooth fucking snap your big tooth cunt can i ask you a question i've always wanted to ask you this This will be great There's a few lazy eyed comedians Do you see like

That? Do you see less? No, how? Well it's not really a tiny eye this one I imagine some of the crossy ones do Yeah but if I go cross eyed I'm not cross eyed I've got like a gammy eyelid

Which sort of pushes it a bit But is it not that? If I go cross-eyed... Yeah, but I'm not cross-eyed. You are cross-eyed. I've got like a gammy eyelid, which sort of pushes it a bit. But is it not that? No. I can see everything. I know Dan's there. I know you're there. No, I know, but you can't. But can you see pasty, pasty, salt, pepper, chicken?

Yeah. Yeah. I don't believe you. I've got to go peripheral. Yeah. He's made it work for himself. I'm not like a fucking horse at the grand national we put blinkers on so i just go right down the fucking middle

he's not got his blinkers i'm looking in his eye just doing circles in the field i've always wanted to know now have you got have you got any like because you look like a fine specimen of a uh transgender man what um have you got any like like, because you look like a fine specimen of a transgender man, have you got any, like, secret ailments and little things? I've not got a foreskin. Okay, we're going to have an interval now. Were you born without it or has it been chopped? No, it's been cut. He hasn't got a foreskin either.

Have you not? When did you get a cut off? As a kid or recently? As a baby. As a baby. Who does that? Jews. It's factual. Hello. Shalom. As a baby. Who does that? Jews. It's factual.

Hello. Shalom. I was eight. Seven years old, yeah. Eight. Do you know why? My dad had to have it done when he was 19. And my dad was...

As in, like, he had to have it done. Or he goes, I've just got to have it done. Everyone's doing it. It's 1970 and this floppy thing's got to go um he's he that was a really good impression of my dad if anyone's met my dad they'd be like you really nailed it you know that retired civil engineer from preston guys let's build a bridge. I did. He was a civil engineer. Yeah.

And he was, you know, active. And he, this isn't a patron episode, is it? No. And he's a great dad.

The patron episodes, we get a little bit, we let a few more details out. Is it like no old bad? Oh, it's quite ridiculous. Yeah. Yeah.

This, this one's the refrained one and he got like an infection in his foreskin and they were like listen this has got to go and at 19 i mean that is pretty much peak horniness he got not with adam six yeah obviously it's different for our lid but uh yeah yeah and it's like a three-month recovery. Is it? Where they basically pull it off, chop it, pull it back, and then sew it on, innit?

You did that like me barber, then. Pulling it up with a comb. A little mirror at the end. Oh, yeah, yeah. Mate, in the synagogues, it's like a fucking... They've got a technique. Like a Turkish barber. What, like when you watch, like, Chef's Table on Netflix,

and they go... Pull, chop, sew, don't go in the bath. I know I'm hungry now because all I can think of is pork chops because you just said pull and chop in my brain

but that sounds like pork. But 19... You mentioned synagogues. Can they not have pork? No. No. No! That's the main Jewish thing.

I don't know anything about them really. No pork. Love God is second. I don't really anything about them, really. No pork. Love God is second. Saturday's off. Saturday's off. They fucking hate lead pictures. The thing with the Jewish community is there's not really any in Liverpool,

and I've never really had to learn much about them. Have you never stumbled across, like, you've been press-witch, haven't you? Stumbled across a Jew. Not a Jew. Isaac, get off the pavement tripping over ringlets yeah go on innit

this is the episode that ruins everything that we've done and I'll be I'll be glad of it if it is yeah badge of honour

because there's been some shit said in the past but you know when you stumble across a press witch And you go What fucking year am I in? I've got I've got Genuinely

This sounds like I'm being a dick I've got friends from press witch who are Jewish Like full on Do you know any Jewish people? No not fucking How are my mates With Is it Hasidic Jews?

Like, clearly, like, Belle and her family are Jewish, but they're not... I'll let them be mates with, like, yeah, that Dan Nightingale, that Northwest comedian. We're really good mates with him. She's one of my mates. We used to go clubbing. She's fucking brilliant.

Oh, so you're saying you've never been friends with a Hasidic Jew? I've been to... I'm saying I don't think they want to be friends with me. It's quite a close-knit sort of... Oh, you have to escape if you want to leave. You can't just go.

You can't move to Whivington. Why? You've got to run off. Why? Because they'll get you back. Because they go, you're part of the gang.

It's like the Bloods and Crips. Yeah, it's just like the Bloods and Crips. Everyone's got a hat. Everyone's got the colours on. Yeah. You can't leave. Really's got the colours on. Yeah. You can't leave. You can't leave.

Yeah, they're a pretty hard line. But there's also a lot of people who are just... How did you get out? Jewish. I mean, they let one every few years go. This guy doesn't sold hats. But I've been to a bat mitzvah. I've been to...

Have you? Yeah, Bell's daughter's bat mitzvah. Did they lift the chairs up? In Presswich. Say bat mitzvah again. Bat mitzvah. bat mitzvah I've been to have you? yeah Bell's daughter's bat mitzvah did they lift the chairs up? in Presswich say bat mitzvah again bat mitzvah bat mitzvah yeah

a bat mitzvah's for the girl oh is it? a bat mitzvah's for the boy oh I thought you'd just said it wrong yeah you were fucking the piranhas were saying see bat mitzvah again

I don't know why you went all Pulp Fiction bat mitzvah erm yeah it's good fun do they get leathered? No, it's not my memory of it.

But you know I wear hats all the time. She was like, yeah, everyone has to wear yarmulkes, but you always wear hats. So that's the thing. You don't have to wear the school cap. I just turned up in a trilby and looked like a fucking moron. But it was absolutely amazing. I just wore my

trilby could you wear a beanie though you can wear any hat you just have to wear any hat or define hat

like alright okay so you don't want to turn up in a St. Patrick's Day Guinness sponsored green fucking hat

birthday hat with candles on hello there I fucking love a bad mitzvah now come on

let's get this show done I got a fucking point weight in it O'Neill's. Yeah. Like. Can you have the one with the cans and the straw?

Yeah. A duff. A Simpsons duff hat. How to not get invited to the synagogue ever again. It's covered. I was going to ask. Hi, Belle. How are you mate

You alright She listens to the pod As a bald man Yamakas They usually grip them To their hair as well Don't they Yeah

Like what would you They glue it Glue it Yeah Bit of Pritt stick Tick tock tape Glue it Yeah

Wig glue They don't fucking glue it I bet you anything Anything I bet it's Wig glue What if you Need to take it off Don't you take it off Don bet you anything. Anything. I bet it's wig glue. What if you need to take it off? Don't you take it off

when you go for the shit or something? Or do they not throw them up at the end, like graduation? It's so many mixed things in here, isn't it? Like, yeah, yeah. Ha! Congratulations!

Muscle tough! And then it freezes like a 1980s university. and then the credits come up can you take your jacket off when you go for the shit have we spoke about this before honestly can i just say tremendous link there and as a colleague and a friend to see you develop with me together as a broadcaster is quite something he was like where are we taking this how can we take this it's gone very jewish and we've really skirted the lines do you uh do you take your jacket off for a shit touche sir it made sense and i'm glad we're away from the synagogue

um yes so if you went for the shit if you were out in the pub now if you want a day out and you dress like this right oh yes definitely jacket off for the shit you'd have a shit in a pub i think yeah of course i have got ibs and if i need to shit in your back garden i'm shitting in your back garden and there's nothing i can do about it why is adam here yeah i need to shit in your back nowhere near it we're gonna lose the deposit on the fucking bouncy castle so do you not shit in public places? No. Can you hold the shit in?

Sometimes you have to. I've left places sooner than I need to. I keep touching you. Sorry, mate. I've touched you like three more times than I ever have. Not everyone has your four seconds till go time. Yeah, no, I can hold it in a bit, but when it's time, it's time.

But you take your jacket off though, don't you? You're going to work. Where do you put it if you're going to the pub? Put it over your head because I can't face what I'm doing. There's a little hook. There's a little hook because a gentleman de-robes for a tweet.

Well, a lot of the time the hook's quite low because I use a lot of disabled toilets because they're just better, aren't they? Yeah. Well, put it on the thing, the arm thing, Fold it over. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what it's for.

Would you take a t-shirt off as well? Like a bare knuckle boxer going through. Depends on the t-shirt. I love having a nude shirt. Do you know when you're ill? When you're properly ill and the backs of your knees are sweating and you go...

And you peel yourself out of your fucking yeah it just looks like someone's put a crash test dummy on a fucking toilet you're going oh and you sit for ages and think oh worst the worst poo is when you get in the shower you've been in there a minute and then you go i really need a poo and you've got to get out wet oh it's the worst and then you sort of slide over to the toilet and your wet thighs hit the toilet you go you do a plop and you're like oh there's no point i would towel dry and then shit and then get back in the shower that literally contradicts everything i've heard about your ibs no but like i get like a minute's notice it's not like it's coming out your bum hole now.

Unless, yeah. So it's like the IRA ring you up and go, you're going to have a shit. Exactly what it is. I've got a terrorist bow. You've got one minute. Old school terrorist. Not these new ones who just do it.

Inconsiderate. You're talking about the considerate terrorists who give you a minute to fuck off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, I do get a bit of warning. There's certain foods I have that, if I have a KFC, I put a timer on my phone for 46 minutes.

Because in 46 minutes... 46 minutes! That's not true. Ask him. That's not true. It's so good, though. I didn't want to do it. 46 minutes!

It's the way he makes up bullshit. Do you know what this is? This is the bullshit bell. When Dan thinks I'm chatting shit. But it's the way it's the way he makes up bullshit do you know what this is this is the bullshit bell when i when dan thinks i'm chatting shit but it's the way he he literally the ding still works couldn't he sell cars he could sell secondhand cars so fucking well it's the way he went i swear to god i swear on your mum i swear on my mum i swear on fucking pillows with your jays on right 46 minutes i put it on my phone i swear on Carl's mum's life and then you go and then he goes no I swear to god

and then two weeks later he goes oh yeah that was total bullshit that ask him I won't even look at him I won't even try and convince him ask him

you alright Carl hello 46 like why 46 have you done a litmus test where you've done a 35 minute one and gone

false alarm and then 11 minutes later you've shit your own pants this is years of experience of having KFC the gravy and the herbs and spices does something to my stomach

and 46 minutes later I am going to paint a bowl of KFC can we get KFC when we go to yes let's have

should we have a break because that was free range utter bullshit and I loved it but we need some fucking structure a break because that was free range utter bullshit and I loved it but we need some fucking structure so we've got a brand new

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word at manscape.com two mics two leads and a lot of time on their hands this is have a word so brennan j reese as i live and breathe i love making up initials it's really annoying um so we have got a few questions it's weird because we get some stand-up questions and we sort of we can ask them with brendan in in house can't we david david everson says we get questions and stuff from our look we've got loads of listeners like swine i've i know you've got loads oh yeah no I've got over 25 David Everson Says Ugliest place In the country

Like when you arrive to gig And said town city You look around and think That each and every person You see Is as ugly as a pig's arsehole Apart from obviously Runcorn

Because we work here And we've been a bit And I've already said that Yeah yeah yeah This is the ugliest place in the world I wouldn't even know What Runcorn Like has it got a centre

yeah we found it yeah you're right okay cool yeah just leave don't check it out where's the ugliest place we gig is it ugliest people or when you turn up to a place

no I mean like I think there's two answers here isn't it like there's every person you see is as ugly as a pig's arse always talking about the people right well can I just do the geography one there is something about driving into middlesbrough where you're like wow no middlesbrough shit but if you've done coventry

right coventry looks like they just like emptied concrete into like a big bowl full of like like big things and they've gone well that's that well like they finished a car park in warwick and went you know what i need to get rid of this shit somewhere, like they finished a car park in Warwick and went, do you know what? I need to get rid of this shit somewhere. Coventry is a car park. Right. Sunderland's the same. Sunderland's horrific. Yeah.

But I think the North East, I love Newcastle. We're losing listeners. But you sort of satellite towns, Middlesbrough's, Darlington's. Oh, Darlo's not so bad, but Middlesbrough is like, I remember staying

Pete Vincent who's the promoter up in Teesside put us up when we were gigging in Middlesbrough and he was like oh we're going to put you at something like the Radisson and I was up at the 8th floor and it was a beautiful middle of winter, December gigs

but the sun was up, cold as fuck and I opened the thing and everything about the day in the middle of winter, December gigs, but the sun was up, cold as fuck, and I opened the thing and everything about the day was beautiful and then I saw 16 fucking massive cranes. Like, it's the most industrial place I've ever seen.

But the gig in there is fucking great fun because the people are like, oh yeah, it's fucking rough around here. Comedy's well better than shit holes though. Like nice places when their lives are already nice.

They don't need us. Do you know what I mean? They'd rather be at home going, oh, look at our art. Isn't this all lovely? That's a nice fireplace.

Like, they need to be, like, in a, there's no fucking crisps left. Let's go and see two dickheads talk about dicks for a bit. Yeah,

there's no, no one has ever said, do you know my favourite place to gig is Seven Oaks, Kent. It's just not... The North East is their best. Like, there's certain pockets of the country where you go, I love gigging up there. Stockton-on-Tees, Newcastle, Glasgow, Liverpool.

Middlesbrough, I love Middlesbrough. Middlesbrough Town Hall's great. I spent a Christmas at Peter Vincent's living when I did pantomime in 2014

oh I forgot about this you'd not bullshit just excited oh right you just wanted to impress something uh

Brennan did a full run of a pantomime who did you play Aladdin oh of course he fucking did look at him can you sing

yeah right I can show you the world come on let's do it so was it was it the Disney's music

no it was all it was like do you know when they do like you sing a Michael Buble track because it's been put into a

racist script you did fucking Poundland fucking Panto of course i did it was in billingham you couldn't even remember the name like ptsd forum in the forum billingham forum it's massive it looks like this huge fit has just been dropped in the middle of no like the other they made us open a weatherspoons while we were there made you open it yeah and start working we were there. Made you open it? Yeah. And start working it? In costume. Can you open up? Is the case. Yeah.

And then he's wanking, like, fucking pumping a chair, like, this is what Aladdin done. Honest to God, they made us turn up in costume, and this is Chinese Aladdin. Pantomime Aladdin's Chinese Aladdin. What? So I've got the eyes drawn on. Oh, my God. And the hat on.

Yeah. No, no, no. No, I can't handle it. Wait, wait, wait. Old school Aladdin's got Chinese policemen on him. Yeah, called Ping and Pong. Ping and Pong. Oh no, the one I saw in Preston, this is about four years ago. What went

Wong and who done Pong? I'm not even joking. Something Wong. Something Wong. Gen Wong, something Wong. Genuinely. Old school Panto is so racist. It's hilarious. There was,

it was, it was off. The scripts was so racist. The man who directed the thing, we had five days of, of rehearsals. He's about 108 and he had a keyboard tie on and he'd pay us in cash.

So he'd pay us like rolls of cash. Oh God. All above board. I'm here with people you've seen on the telly. Like, not recently.

It's like someone from Benidorm. Someone from the bill. There's a midget in it. There's a girl from Emmerdale. Yeah. The guy was on the poster. It said midget from Phoenixoenix nights that's that was

how it was done didn't you hear what a guy who told you he invented give me a cheer this is the thing this is it he was like uh famous in the 80s he's a comedian in inverted commas let me can you hear them yeah um called barney and he had a weird pedo tash and he was about 60 years old and he was playing me bruffer so I come out on stage as Aladdin Chinese Aladdin

and try and get the kids to like shall I was he buttons Aladdin and my girlfriend's gonna watch this

and I'm gonna get in drastic trouble why is she not like she's so against it. It's one of the arguments that we have. Yeah, but just hang on. But it's, we're mocking,

like we're mocking these pantos. They still exist. I think they must be being phased out now. Not this year, baby. They've been put in the fucking Corona bin. Jesus Christ. But it's until recently, bin Jesus Christ but it's until recently

they're like it's what we've always done you're like that doesn't that's not a good argument anymore guys but it's always been who done pong

and what went wong yeah and as British people we're like oh this is like the gollywogs at the car boot like they people still love that thing

you go I remember that as a kid at Preston Playhouse I didn't know any better but went to watch one five years ago

had a mate from when we used to do drama group and they were in it and me and my friend emma were like oh my god because when we were a kid that is the same panto it'll be the same script yeah but they've gone it's fine we've always done it you're like guys and they just changed the references so they'll change like jeremy kyle to judge rinder yeah they've not changed the racist bits because they're like that is timeless that's fucking tradition my granddad hated them my dad hated them and i kind of like them but i have to pretend just kids going it's behind you and he might rob you but it's not come from a place of like genuine edl style hatred it's just like it's like end of the old naff jokes that we've always done it's almost like but it's part of it you're like no

it's time to fucking someone needs to have a word yeah with them uh and get us sorted but it's not that old like it's still on the telly five ten years ago where we all went like little britain's this and yeah mrs brown's boys can make those jokes but it's just put into like pantomime where we go bloody hell that's racist yeah this has got 10 million viewers so we'll keep it on it's mad yeah how much did you get paid so i got paid the the reason i did it because this was 2014 so it's only a couple years into doing stand-up it's like a two and a half month commitment as well isn't it it's not just this was the good thing it was six weeks where you do three shows a day oh boy and they're long shows and when you're in billingham all you're doing is getting shit faced afterwards so we uh

i got paid ten thousand pounds i was like oh my god six Oh my God. This is the best thing. And in cash as well. So I go to Peter's and put it under the mattress. But it was like, cause we were getting levered every day. I went back for one day at Christmas to my family. And I just got pissed so quick because I'm like, oh, it's Christmas. I get one day of Christmas. And I ended up getting in trouble off my mum and dad

cause I chinned one of my nephews because I was so excited. We were play fighting and I just was leathered and I just fucking left. Can I just say, right, 10 grand for six weeks worth,

I'm up for that and I feel like I could play at least a minor role in a local production. Oh mate, the Liverpool, like obviously, just you've got to ignore

this Christmas coming but say, say it gets back to it And they can do full things whatever The Liverpool Pantos It's a bit like The Premier League If you know the name of this town and city

It will follow up Like Manchester London, Birmingham The money they get paid They're like the Premier Champions League Pantos This is like a championship level Panto I wouldn't even say that This was like Birmingham. The money they get paid. They're like the premier Champions League pantos. This is like a championship level panto. I wouldn't even say that.

This was like League Two. We had, who do we have? Jake Canuso from Benidorm. One of the Chuckle Brothers did a week because he was going to a few different ones and then midget off Phoenix Knights. But it's 10 grand. Oh, so for me, it was like like so what do you think they got it like the lithgow empire two two two hundreds of thousands but like louis spence gets paid about

150 grand per year it's their tax bill mate got kwan was at the birmingham hippodrome yeah the panto before last and we only know that because the glee in birmingham is near it and he was the draw it was like he was he'll be like spirit of the ringer summer oh yeah oh yeah something like that yeah and he he's the name that's selling tickets it's gonna be a couple hundred got a million quid to do the london palladium one and i bet she came on and said about four things maybe ran on in a fucking red uh swimsuit. I don't want to do comedy anymore. I want to be in pantos.

Yeah. What would you be though? You can't be, you can't be Aladdin. Fucking buttons. Because your first wish would be, change this. What?

Yeah, so what are some other pantosos and if one of you says Shrek I swear to god so you've got like your Cinderella's so you've got like your buttons who's like bumbling friend zoned person in the modern world though I could play Cinderella I'm not sure that's a

10 grander mate Adam Rowe is fucking Cinderella They can get a man to play Cinderella. Yeah. I'm not sure that's a 10 grander, mate. Yeah. Adam Rowe is fucking Cinderella. And we could scouse it up, you know? Yeah. Fucking left me fucking webs. I got offered it. Where's me trainees? Last year, yeah.

Preston? Very loosely in Shrewsbury. Got the opening conversation, which was nice. And I was like, respectfully, it is not what I'm trying to do. And they were like, well's you know and it in the head you're like why it's maybe it'd be an interesting experience but i've had you're like the third or fourth person i know that's done it and jonathan mayer uh is a person we've talked about on this on this pod before he is a gay asian comedian and he is incredibly asian there then that's yeah he's incredibly

camp he's like oh darling his comparing is basically threatening to bum someone in it like oh i feel a bisexual coming on it's like a mild hate crime and they booked him to play the the thing of the ring spirit of the spirit of the ring at the preston panto spirit of the ring i don't really know panto it's john like disney it's not a spirit of the ring at the preston panto spirit of the ring i don't really know panto it's not as spirit of the ring as jonathan is naturally so apparently they were like well you can do a few of your own lines and he just started like having fun with it and and they and apparently he got more he got bollocked like professionally bollocked like you cannot do that anymore there was one bit where they had like a a bit of pyrotechnics like a firework like that that did glitter from from one side of the stage to the other and jonathan

apparently on one matinee went oh darling oh where did that come from you'll sleep tonight started doing just like gay innuendo joke about shit it. I want to be the lead in a panto. So, I need you to think of the panto that I could do. Maybe like Jack and the Beanstalk.

You want me to be Jack? Yeah. You could be that cow that we said. You've not lost that much weight, babe. Hey, give me a year, though. Not going to be on this year.

2021. It's good fun, but it's just hard work. Like, there was one day when I came back Boxing day and I was so hungover And we were doing a 10 o'clock show 10am And I had to pull over because I was just still a bit pissed

And I ended act 1 with a Fucking whatever big show tune And I threw up in my own mouth And I went Swallow Curtain went down And I was just swallow, curtain went down, and I was just sick all over the floor. There's like girls from a dance school, like 16, going,

oh my God, it says he was on a hoax on thing, but I'll never watch it again. They all fancied you on the first day of rehearsal. And by the time they'd seen you in reality, they were like, I think I might be gay. Is that the future? Do you know what I've just realised? I don't know whether you were planning to do this today,

but Brennan is an actor. I'd say not anymore, but yeah, what do you want to do? We've got... So this is my acting studio, right? We did this with some guests and we've now started preparing it a bit more. So basically, you've got to treat this like it's an audition. Okay.

Your agents have sent you in. You've been given this role. I'm going in the audition. We've got you this. So we'll let them pick them. You can pass them to me and I'll fan them out. No, it's... No, randoms.

No, let's just get it quick. Ready? Okay. So you're going to get given A nationality There's three possibilities A job And what's the other one? Oh, like an adjective sort of thing

Yeah, so adjective And we might throw a scenario in as well Okay We might add a bit of character backstory for you I feel you two are setting up an improv group You need matching colours This is what we do He's, honestly, he's talented

He wants to play I can do Al Pacino He's seriously Right So, first of all genuinely ready first of all we've got

Bewildered so you are a Bewildered Bewildered South African oh god he can act 10 grand in

Billingham mate that'll buy you three houses it's not gonna pay for the fucking court case when I start doing South African

a Bewildered south african substitute teacher carl what's the situation why is why is the south african substitute teacher bewildered um i know in his head he's thinking dead kid i can say he he so easily goes to death because one of the pupils looks like Adam, like that age, but it's like year six. Yeah, looks 28. So I'm a kid in the class. Okay. And I'm like meant to be nine and you're like, what the fuck is going on?

Okay, let's see what you've got. Okay. Can I just ask before? Sorry, quick direct to note. To me, South African is not South. It's that woman who keeps popping up. No, that's Zimbabwean. Yeah.

South African is South Africa. Let's see what you've got, mate. Okay. And scene. Come on, this is a big play of this. This is going to be a Hollywood movie. This is how you move up. You can go from Billingham to Chesterfield.

This is potentially like the winning canto. I might get 12 grand next year. And scene. Hello. Hello. potentially like the 12 grand next year i'm seeing hello okay children um we are going to learn about the tutor times teacher i want to go for the shit. Excuse me, younger boy. I'm so bad at acts at the all side of it, Rog. Who are you picking up from this class? Fuck you on about, lads.

I'm a year six. I'm doing me sats. Well, can you sat down? Oh! Can I ask a question teacher? Are you from South Africa? Yes Or are you from all of Africa? I am Africa

Yes I am from South Africa Have you travelled? Have you travelled? So So how would you say so see see you are um you're telling me you're nine i'm nine years old lads why are you so aggressive because you're looking at me like do you not think I get bullied for this every day By all of these Everyone in the class looks at me like I'm different

And now you're doing the same thing I'm going to get my dad to fucking shoot you But you are 15 stone Hey He's 14 You are 14 stone I've actually lost a lot of weight in lockdown We've got I've just done another

Okay Brennan could you please play Overwhelmed It's in lockdown, you rascal. Scene. I've just done another. Oh, God. Okay. Brendan, could you please play an overwhelmed Welsh dildo tester? And scene. Hello. Good. Dildo tester, can I ask you a question are you from all of wales oh god oh come on scene for a sec right oh i can help you here i do a really good belgian accent so

um are you trying to get the tongue yeah so you've seen governance that you see yeah so you know nessa yeah just Stacey yeah so you know Nessa yeah so let's try this oh oh there you go oh come on Brennan

you want you want to dildo I'm North Wales you want to dildo listen love hello I'm from Wales hear it yes

how you doing it hello hear it Taffy dildos I can't just build these dildos and send them out willy-nilly. We build stonking great fucking dildos. If I don't test this on you,

a professional dildo tester, I'm going to send this out to a housewife in Caerphilly and she's going to be walking to us. They're all wrong for a fortnight. So go on, love. Give it a good old test. It feels like one of the adverts for the podcast. You can get 25% off

this rubber fist. We were sponsored by a sex shop for a month. Were you? Yeah. What happened? They said they couldn't afford the adverts anymore, so they left. Yeah. Should we do one more? Because he's overwhelmed whilst dildo test does not happen

you weren't overwhelmed no I wasn't I was but physically right you've got to go one two three here we go right last one last one

it's hard these innit da drunk oh now we're talking German drunk German German Drunk German What are we doing with our lives Painter and decorator

What the fuck is painter and decorator A drunk German Painter and decorator Sorry am I speaking to And the situation is You're painting Dan's house and you're doing a bit of a shit job because you're drunk. And Dan is not happy because he's paid you in advance because you were like, listen, mate, I've got fucking kids at home

and I need to feed them. So you were like, you asked for money up front and now you're fucking the job up. And Dan's found out that on your website, you were using someone else's pictures to advertise your workmanship. And now he's found out, and he's like, this isn't your work.

You've got no training, and you're just doing it to get by, because, you know, she's left you, and left you with the kids. All right. Can I... Gunter. Gunter.

Yeah? Gunter, can I just Can I just Stop you there I know you're mid-roll Yes I'm really sorry mate I've I think you're doing

A relatively good job And me and Laura really You know you quoted a good price But There's fucking Bottles of Heineken All over the landing And I've just I don't want to question Your professional but there's fucking bottles of Heineken all over the landing.

And I don't want to question your professionalism as a painter and decorator, but we think you might be drinking on the job. Of course. It's bank holiday weekend. Bank holiday weekend. Would you like one? You like a little Heinekenken is he trying to fuck me in this does it feel like yeah i feel like i'm about to get fucked on my own landing like oh you're naughty i know i'm

gonna get the money taken off me so he's actually quite a butch person but it's a little villiard i've got black paint oh come on have a roll and also gunter you know you're painting the the hallway and landing yeah we found We found what I think is Some Wallpaper paste in the middle of our couch Oh You're looking like a boy Looking like a boy

The dog hasn't got to it has it Oh I can't do it anymore He's freaking me out I want to really sat into it I want to do one So pick He's freaking me out. I want to really sat into it. I was like, yeah, I could. I want to do one. So pick one, two and three. Here he comes. What panto is this knobhead getting?

Try and make it random. Don't like cheat it. You're not starting Liverpool, by the way. You've got to work your way up. What do you mean? Yeah, you can't be going in an empire level. I'll be fucking furious. Try and you're fucking dancing there.

I'll tell Louis Spence to get out my fucking town. Scared. Scared, okay. I'll do that. He can get away with homophobia because he's sexually ambiguous. Scared. Cockney. What does it say?

Let's see. Unicyclist. Scared. Scared. Cockney. Unicyclist. Okay. Right.

What's the scenario? I've got a flat tyre. No, start at the Tour de France. I'm on a unicycle. Can I play can I can I play the Tour de France guy sure

so you're a cyclist no I'm the guy who runs the Tour de France I'm Jimmy Tors okay any hello hello hello

fine hell mate I'm asked to win this fucking thing Hello, hello, hello. Fat in hell, mate. I'm as fast as doing this fucking thing. They've only given me one fucking wheel. I'm falling. I wasn't ready for the level of commitment. It was even the wobble on the chair. That's me, that's me like pedalling. But why is he on it already?

Trying to get used to it. I've never been on a fatty in a side before. I thought it was bikes. I've seen it on the telly. Everyone else has got fucking bikes. Why have I been given this? You're bagging me off. You're trying to make me look fucking stupid in front of my mum.

She's going to watch this, you cunt. You're meant to be scared. Yeah, you're meant to be scared yeah you're scared you're not doing see you'd be brilliant upon so the way you were scared i was like yeah but you can tell he's watched snatch and lock stock scared cockney you i can't do that oh you fucking mugging me off you can't i'm on one wheel you fucking nuns imagine what you don't understand is he was scared but because of his toxic masculinity it was coming out in anger it's one of the silliest ones we've ever done brennan and that is i want one more i want to

do it again are you sure this is how fucking are you sure this is how people become actors they just get the bug for it yeah right go on right blind yeah it's gonna be great on a podcast it's all about youtube now brennan get with it it's the 90s russian blind russian oh hypnotist hypnotized Brennan Brennan now you can

open your eyes now do that do the Undertaker thing where you do the Paul Barrow that one Blunkett it

David Blunkett it god you look like David Blunkett don't he and he's got a young David Blunkett about him I'll play the

Labrador right blind where is my scene subject where is he Blunkett, don't he? And he's got a young David Blunkett about him. I'll play the Labrador. Right. Where is my scene? Subject. Where is he? He's over there. He's over there?

Hiya. He's wearing CK1. Oh, over there. Okay. What is your name? Um, Gian. Okay.

Need to look into eyes? You look into my eyes? I don't know where your eyes are. You need to look to mine. So you come here if you need. Can you just open them, please? I don't know if they open, but they don't fucking work. Haven't since I was a poor boy.

Fireworks go off when we're celebrating New Year's Eve in Moscow. Can't not see anymore. You okay? No. Very, very bad Moscow. Can't see anymore. You okay? No. Very, very bad day. I lost my rabbit. So, can I be... Look into my eyes!

What the fuck is going on? I will help you quit smoking. Come here. I don't smoke. What, is that the thing you... I don't smoke. I don't smoke. Brennan, after all the shit we've said, just went,

I don't smoke. Brennan, we've called you a fucking racist five times. I don't smoke. I lost my fucking rabbit. I thought you'd had a fucking Elton John. Look into my house. I'm still hypnotising. Yeah.

I just feel like I've got some skills that could transfer into acting. You know what I mean? Who else could do that on the fly? I've just... You're loud. Loud's good at acting. No, no, no.

Can I say something? I do this, and I'm so self-aware. When Adam goes in, he goes in fucking deep. Double-footed tackle. That's what it is. He's creating dead pets. No, I didn't. The rabbit wasn't dead.

Went missing. All right. Do you know, can I teach you this? Well, not teach you. Let's see your acting credentials. I used to do this when I was about eight, when I wanted to be an actor. And I used to sit in front of the mirror

and try and squeeze out a tear. I thought he's been shagging mirrors as well. So, the best way of doing it is thinking of all them people that have died and that. Or like sad things that have happened. But you've got to do it quick.

So we want, we want a squeezing out of a tear. I want to see a tear drop and then I want you to deliver the line what can we what can he don't

wait wait wait wait wait you can't make me laugh I'm trying to no no no no this is honestly this will be the weirdest

end to a fucking episode ever but if he pulls this off I'm going to be so fucking impressed what's the line no don't you don't stop what are you

did you just tweet your sore. What's the line? No, no, you don't stop what you did. You just tweet your sore ball alright, the line is Have a word Stop it could be beautiful. Yeah, cuz could be beautiful. I might I'm a scouse. I've got my voice Unfortunately, yeah, does that make it easier? Just wanna know what I've gone and in said this is into into the camera Just want to know what... Go on. And into... This is into the camera.

I'd get to do this backstage, wouldn't I, before... No, we're in the... It's just... It's action. They can cut it. No, they can't. This is the last take.

You've been shit all day. I'm a word it's good I'm welling up blow on my eyes blow on my eyes did you just miss my eyes blow off your eyes how did you miss my eyes

I swear to god he just fucking he just blew his right Blow off your eyes. How did you miss my eyes? I swear to God, he just fucking... He just blew his... Oh, right. Oh. Can we call that a pod? Is that a pod? We haven't done a have a word. Oh, shit.

Do we need to? I don't think we need to. That's what I was trying to get at. I just don't think there's any... Oh, I'm just... I'm spent. Are you okay? I'm upset.

You've just poured water on your face. Yeah. And your top. Before we get to Blackpool. Yeah. Go gig in Blackpool tonight. You can't come because you don't know what's happening until Monday. It looks like you've got tit tears.

I've got tit tears. Brendan Rees, that was all sorts of wonderful and ridiculous. This has been good fun. And when... Which panto can people come and see you in? Is that anything you do want to plug? No, just sort of like. Follow you.

Yeah, just follow me in that. Brennan Reese, B-R-E-N-N-A-N-R-E-E-C-E. There we go. B-R-E-N-N-N-A-N. Give Brennan a follow. And that's it. I need to go and dry. Yeah, he needs to go and dry. Absolute pleasure. Thank you, Brennan a follow And That's it I need to go and dry Absolute pleasure, thank you Brennan

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and a dick pic I'm single oh he's single now aren't you I'm sending dick pics why did it take you so long to squeeze out a dick bye Felicia bye Felicia