Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #87 with Glenn Wool - IN STUDIO - Have A Word w/Adam & Paul Smith (Guest Host)

Episode Date: September 28, 2020

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Really appreciate it. Now now i'm getting the word nuts oh you think darkness is your ally you merely adopted the dark i was born in it molded by it who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? When she pick it up every time she starts to talk, give her the dick. Disgusting! She'll be like, hello. What I'm doing? This is when you get it.

What I'm doing? Oh, none. Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios, hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England, these are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube. Ja! Upset me!

Don't be a rat. Download, subscribe and tell a friend. It's the one and only. Have a word. But yeah, the doctor said if I just keep using the cream, it should all go away. Yeah? Yeah. That's sad. Sweet.

Welcome to the very first Have A Word podcast. Without either me or Dan here, we've got our guest co-host Paul Smith, ladies and gentlemen! Is that even on the audio? Yeah, well, without both of us being here. You know meant stop being a fucking cunt fucking 20 seconds in uh you need to be closer to that mic fucking there mate how are you i'm good you know yeah it's good to have you back it's been a fucking weird week i'm not gonna lie to you why i you. Why? Because fucking Boris Johnson's a cunt, isn't he? He is a cunt. They're all cunts,

and he's a mega cunt, isn't he? Look, this is actually a politically neutral podcast, and I'd really, like, if you could also say Keita Starmer's a cunt as well. Yeah, Keita, well. You don't like him either, do you? I don't like none of them.

As you had fell off a bit. Do you know what? I think you've got to be a cunt to do that job, so I kind of understand that they're all cunts, but the stock doesn't change the fact that they're all cunts. Yeah. I think to get to any sort of political power, you have to be an absolute helmet.

We spoke about this. I think to even want to do it. It's not that even well paid, do you know what I mean? And it's well paid, but to want to be that much of a fucking cunt. The people who end up being prime minister are people who don't need the money you get for being prime minister. They've all already got their millions and their fucking houses.

You're going to do Tony Blair after it and fucking make millions? Yeah, or Barack Obama. Fucking rat. Yeah, so my head fell off the other day when he was like, ooh, fucking hell, it's going to be 10 o'clock for fucking six months. And I was like, well, that's me fucked in and I'm going on the run. Yeah, but like, what's... So you're worried about your tour, aren't you?

Yeah, I want to be fucking touring again. Yeah, but why don't you just move your tour to like six o'clock start times it's not even that it's the social distancing so a lot of we'd sold when we were supposed to start a tour in may so we put it on sale in like january or something it sold it was the biggest tour so we fucking gambled on it a little bit and it was doing dead well so we sold more than half the tickets but that means people but when you know yourself you buy a ticket in a theater you pick which seat you want and everyone wants the fucking front row and now it's so much admin which we can't do because the theaters by the wall at themselves yeah so now move everyone around you'd have to say this is why you fucked up lad you've you've gone you've got too successful i know

whereas i can do me talks I'm just playing fucking cupboards me you know what I mean I get a couple of hundred people in a cupboard and we can still do that listen we're gonna have

to social distance so you can't come you come in at 8 o'clock and you come in at 6 and I'll do two shows here's your group I'm money back don't worry about it I'll see you in a minute I'll definitely do two shows in a night though back don't worry about it

I'd definitely do two shows in a night we can't fucking do it it's murder can you not just do two shows we're going to have to fucking try and do something at some point but I don't know the logistics of that are fucking way beyond my fucking capabilities yeah but Paul Blair

I feel like he could make a few phone calls just do a show at 6 and another one at eight or something. Some of them are already like that as well, though. Some of them are already, like Billingham and London, Leicester Square and stuff like that, they're already like that. So I don't know what we're going to do there. Just hoping it's all signed by then. January?

Yeah. It might be. I mean, I felt like everything was going to... Initially, I said November, didn't I? I was saying November from the start when we first locked down and that. And then I was like, oh, we're coming back soon. And then I thought it would be back to normal by November. Because when I first said November, I meant gigging at all.

But obviously, we've been back for a little bit. January, I don't know. The problem you've got is even if it's okay by January, they probably won't announce it till January. And then you've got to try and tell everyone who's got tickets that, oh, next week's on. You know those 4,000 people coming to Newcastle

tell them to get a baby today what I'm doing until then I've got I've started Blair's giving me like every Wednesday and Thursday night now

in hot water just for my show so I can work on the show at least Carl's what are you telling us Carl just be a little closer

because you're quite you're quite softly spoken aren't you Paul he's quite he's boomy isn't he his voice yeah he's got a fucking he's a what are you telling us, Carl? Just be a little closer, because you're quite softly spoken, aren't you, Paul? He's boomy, isn't he, his voice? Yeah, he's got a fucking... You're quite smooth. Smooth. Jazz. Smooth operator.

Sorry, guys. We were at Hot Water last week, and we were sitting in the green room, and Danny Deegan was on stage, and I went to him, fucking hell, he shouts, doesn't he? Because he was screaming through the speaker in the green room and then he was like you want to see what it's fucking like when you're on

you're well worse than that I have to get off we've got a speaker in the back and as soon as he goes on I'm like oh fucking hell listen to him shouts about fat people again

I've stopped doing that routine apart from when I want to do really well actually apart from when you're in the middle apart from when I'm like oh I'm in the middle am I oh I'm going to ruin the headliner's day actually fucking put're in the middle. Apart from when I'm like, oh, I'm in the middle, am I? Oh, I'm going to ruin the headliner's day, actually.

Fucking put me in the middle, cunts. Are you at Hot Water this weekend? Always at Hot Water, mate. So, from now on, every Wednesday and every Thursday is going to be you. Yeah, I'm going to do work in progress. So, there's not anyone else on?

It's just your thing? Through October, I think they're going to... Because in progress so there's not anyone else on it's just your thing through October I think they're going to because he'd given me the Wednesdays already and now what he's done is because we've got to finish at 10

but technically the show doesn't have to finish at 10 you just can't serve any ale so if the show's already started doesn't have to finish

can they still drink the ale that they've already got so people can just fucking buy like a bucket at the start a solo show at me at like half nine and then I can run as long as I want then

and as long as they've got buckets available or whatever they can stay hang on we've spoke on this podcast a few times now and I'm sure by now most people who are regular listeners will have listened to the mental health special we did we actually did it yesterday but

by the time this goes out because it was a mental health special we did we actually did it yesterday but by the time this goes up why did you do that when you said mental health because because it was a mental health special as in the first half

was bullshit towards the end I was talking about a girl who's dying who wants me to fuck her and it was like five minutes in the middle about mental health

the mental health special I wasn't saying mental health as in oh we all having a fucking whinge about mental health I wasn't doing that I was in oh we all having a fucking whingy moment I wasn't doing that

I was doing it about oh sad only oh it's everything all that you've lost your job fucking grow up yeah

I wasn't quite doing that erm yeah we've spoke about this but like the ambiguities and the fucking contradictions

in the government so just explain this to me because I genuinely don't know I've stopped looking into shit because it just does me adding

so you're telling me that at a comedy club at a theatre at a theatre I've seen the theatre and cinemas go beyond 10 but I

thought they had to stop drinking at 10 as well so someone could come to your show at half 9 and buy they could walk in in a group of four and go we'll have 28 bevvies seven each no because i don't know i don't know but i know

they can get drinks before the show and once they're in the show the only problem is i don't think if they leave they can't come back in that's fucking mental innit yeah so in the breaks they can't go for a biff there isn't going to be a break that's why they're putting me on so I'm just going to run through right okay I'm just going to do an hour long show

yeah and then it's fine innit you do an hour long show it's going to be fucking three and a half hours three and a half Ken Dodd special fucking kid

do you know how many times like I mentioned Ken Dodd is he dead is Ken Dodd dead is Ken Dodd Is he dead? Is Ken Dodd dead? Is Ken Dodd's dad not dead? Is he dead?

Yeah When did he die? Two years ago Did he yeah? I forgot about that So many people die now I never know who's alive Ken Dodd's my fucking hero mate Is he really?

Not because of comedy Because he got two million quid in cash under the stairs so he didn't have to pay tax. Revealing a bit too much there. Still going through that divorce. If I had two million quid in cash under the stairs, mate, I'd be fucking so happy with myself. He was much cleverer than me.

Do you keep cash? I don't get paid in cash anymore, do we? No, but you couldn't. Yeah, but like, I still get paid in cash sometimes. I don't get no cash anymore yeah cause yeah you're all legit now

fucking hard cause you only work at one place don't you and then your tours are from big venues whereas I'm still playing these see again

victim of your own success I've got fucking bags in me I mean I'm getting cash for this who's paying you you saw them out car

yeah no and I still get the odd little fucking, whoo, no one needs to know about this. 40 people in a pub. Here's your 60 quid, lad.

I miss it, man. For your 70 quid pencil. He's still sort of fucking dead cool about cash, I think. I hope they don't get rid of it. He's scared of cash now. Carl said he's scared of pound coins. What? Coins terrify me.

People who pay with coins are fucking horrible. It's because when he was a kid, his uncle tied him to a radiator and threw 50p's on him. 20p's, but... 50p's wouldn't be that bad back in them days. They were big 50p's though, them were big frisbees. Do you use coins? Coins?

Coins, yeah. I don't feel like the way you say coins is weird. Coins. How do you say it? Coins. Are you't feel like the way you say coins is weird Coins How do you say it? Coins Coins How do you say it? What are you saying? Pound coin

Coin Yeah I say it like him So you say like C-O-Y-U-N Coin Coin I say coin Pound coin Coin

Coin Coin I mean it is right But it sounds fucking noncey doesn't it? Yeah but do you use Money I'm gone The other day You said valet instead of valet And Cause I said valet I mean, it is right, but it sounds fucking noncy, doesn't it? Yeah, but you use money. I'm gone.

The other day, you said valet instead of valet. Oh, it is valet? I know it's valet, but I'm a scouser, so I say fucking valet. No. Oh, here he is. So valet is not noncy. Fucking professional scouser with his fucking scouser. So valet is not noncy, but fucking cousin. Getting me car.

Valet off your pants. I'm fucking Paul. I'm dead scouse, man. Come and see me in the echo I say valid fuck off it's fucking valid it isn't

where do you get your money changed if you go on Aldi what do you want to go on Aldi don't say post office where do you get your money changed don't know I don't

I just take it out of the machine what do you mean when I get there you don't take cash on Aldi it's one of the best bits of going on Aldi I really get cash out on them take cash on holiday with you? It's one of the best bits of going on holiday. Yeah, I'll get cash out when I'm there. Yeah, but no, you need a fucking bag full of fucking...

Like one of them little fucking... Yeah, I have a little fucking Jordan over there. What do you call it then? The place that gives you holiday money? Like the exchange thing? Yeah, but what's it called? What do you mean? I don't know what you're on about here.

The Bureau d'Echange. Is that what you call it no it's it's French isn't it but you don't say bureau de change how do you say Barcelona you don't say Barcelona do you you prick or fucking paella

no because it's paella it's paella because you're English you say paella but it's fucking paella do you say moe or moette I don't because it's fucking paella. Do you say Moet or Moet? I don't because it's shite. I'm on the Verve clique, actually.

I'm actually on the fucking LMP. It's Moet, you know. What? It's Moet. How do you say, you know the brand LMP? You know the full word of it? Laurent Perrier.

So Laurent. You don't say Laurent Perrier, do you? I'll give you that one. Anyway. I do say Croissant. One nil! You don't say Laurent Perrier Do you I'll give you that one Anyway One nil Do you use coins Paul Because

Coins are fucking horrible I do I have coins in the car Just for like Fucking parking meters And shit Yeah that's what I do Whenever I pay

My You need a quid For the trolley Yeah I had a fucking Nightmare the other day You know I have one of those You know the things You keep on your key rings For the quid for the trolley, innit? Yeah. Oh, I had a fucking nightmare the other day. You know, I had one of those, you know, the things you keep on your key rings

for the quid and the trolley. Yeah. And I was just being a lazy bastard. I'd put it in the trolley, and I was like, I put my stuff in the car, the car park was empty, and it was like fucking midnight,

and I was just like, I'm not putting this back, can't be arsed, mate, and just pushed my trolley, and then I got in my car, got halfway home, and was like, because in the end,

I was like, it's only a fucking quid, I don't need a quid. Fucking balling, mate. There we go just pushed my trolley and then I got in my car got half way home and was like because in my head I was like it's only a fucking quid I don't need a quid fucking balling mate there we go throw that trolley away the one off my fucking keyring so convenient to just have a little thing

the Arnold Clark one the Arnold Clark one I liked that as well yeah it was good wasn't it shite I'll go back now I genuinely was tempted but I had stuff for the freezer

didn't want me chicken dippers to go fucking to deep froth can't even recook them then can you no you take cash out

of Aldi you know that's fucking mad I just normally use my card now do you not get like loads of charges though

I don't even look at my bank though so it's hard oh fucking oh there he is mega money over here fucking Floyd Neyweather

stop just doing symbols just tell him what to do sorry I'm fucking I'm a leaner backer

for those who are watching by the way I'm wondering why we keep looking over the head it's because

Carl's looking like the fucking fella at 3 o'clock in the morning on the telly trying to fucking tell you what's going on

what's this called the sign language you know what the thing is you're talking for the rest of the time and then stopping talking to tell us the only thing you should really be talking about oh bye then see you next time guys hey have you ever seen the sign language fellow on the music channel no it's honestly dance as well like no sort of I don't think he's meant to be but I think he just gets a bit too into it like I swear to god

I'm not this is not even bullshit right why are the fucker deaf people listening to the music child well they're not they're watching it yeah but they can't no matter what

he can't tell them what the music is he can only tell them the words that's true but maybe like maybe he like does his signs in rhythm do you know what I mean like the beat

I swear to god this is 100% true right so I had the music channel on a couple of weeks ago and er it was like dead late I was just up

and I'd just finished playing FIFA and I just put the telly on and the music channel was on from earlier in the day and I was watching it and er you can sort of see that he doesn't know

what song's coming do you know what i mean like it takes him a second to be like oh yeah i know this one i want to see it where he doesn't know it when he's just like i don't know the words i think he's got a script because he doesn't know the fucking words to tell either nobody waits for what they either no but he waits for what they say no but you've just said you act like

the man no he waits for what he listens to and then he says no he fucking doesn't yes he does have I done on

stage with me it's a fucking unreal so you think you're not scripted they don't know what they're about to do

the fella on the telly the fucking he listens to it and then do he does he'll probably be a little bit ahead of

you so they'll play the sign to him a little bit like a couple of seconds ahead Daniel Sloss has been in every year at Edinburgh he does two shows with a sign language live on stage

to help people it's mad how quick it's mad like the concentration they have to be able to listen to you and do what they're doing in like kind of

separate time I could never do that job because I'm never really listening to anyone I'm just always in my own head about what you're gonna say. I'm just always in my own head. About what you're going to say. Yeah, I'm just waiting for you to pause so that I can say.

That is the thing. You're my best mate. That is the thing I hate most about people. What? That's my least favourite trait. People who are just waiting to speak and not listening. Yeah. It's the worst trait.

Orange is my favourite colour though. See what I did did a joke yeah but they do listen to it and I swear to god I was watching it and like it was like

it was like a proper eclectic music playlist it was like take that was on and then fucking someone else and then Eminem come on and he genuinely looked like

he was just fucking shitting himself he looked up and he was like oh I thought it was lose yourself he's like I'm fucking

going for it I'm just showing sweaty palms sweaty heavy arms you know when I walk you've dislocated your shoulder

haven't you before yeah it always happens so I've mentioned this briefly on the podcast before boxing day 2018 I popped mine out didn't I when I was gigging for the week in the fucking sling and I've mentioned this briefly on the podcast before, Boxing Day 2018,

I popped mine out, didn't I? Remember when I was gigging for the week in the fucking sling? And I've never really had a problem with it since. Like, a couple of weeks after

it come out, like, at first, I couldn't, like, lift my arm past like that. Yeah. So I was getting, like, showers like this,

and then I was just in the shower one day, and I just, I just lifted my arm and it just kept going. And I was like, oh, I've got my arm back. And it's been fine ever since. You get the shower one day, and I just lifted my arm, and it just kept going. And I was like, oh, I've got my arm back. And it's been fine ever since. You get the odd bit of pain or whatever.

Woke up this morning, and it was just out. I've never shit myself so much. It just out the socket? I was just in bed, and I was lying on that side as well. And I was like, I couldn't move it at all. My phone was over here. I didn't have the body stem, and I was just having a panic attack. And I was like, what the't move it at all. My phone was over here. And I didn't have the body stem, and I was just having a panic attack. And I was like, what the fuck am I going to do?

So I was trying to reach for my phone with my left arm, but this side of my body just felt so heavy. And I didn't have like, you would normally prop yourself up with that arm, wouldn't you? Yeah. I was trying to ring him, because he only lives two roads away from me. And I was like, I just need to fucking ring Carly to get it. And then I threw my body. And as I threw my body,

it just went back in, but it just feels dead fucking, yeah, it'd make you feel sick for a little bit, it felt a bit queasy, but like, it just, it just feels a bit like,

sort of, it's not dislocation, it's called sub-fluxation, because it's like, the two sockets like that, it just pops out, it happened to me, it happened to me,

the baby done it to me, Alex, I had my hand on the table looking at something on me on my laptop and he was like trying to get my attention and he just pulled me from trying to get my attention i mean i'm just like and i'm trying not to scare him so i'm like it's all right mate i'm like hell and i have to grab my arm and just do you think he might have done that on purpose because you're worried that alex might be a psychopath yeah yeah do you reckon he's a serial killer i don't know now because he hasn't killed his cat yet

yet been a week or two has he yeah it's literally been a week and that's enough for you to be like oh cat's still alive

he's like the cat's like the canary in the tunnel do you know what I mean if the cat dies then I'm gonna fucking have to have what's the canary in the tunnel like the miners used to like

send the canary in didn't they and if the when the canary died you knew the fumes were too bad didn't you know that do you know anything i do i just don't know about canaries and tunnels i haven't looked into it yeah they used to send the canary down and it's like a sign in it so that that's like you fucking that's your tester red flag kind of yeah so if the connect so you're you've you've literally bought a cat. I didn't buy it, Helen bought it for his birthday. Right, so... He's called it Pineapple Paulina

because he's... Pineapple Paulina? A flamboyant child. He is a flamboyant cat, isn't he? He's going to be a gay serial killer. Definitely sticking his willy between his legs and dancing. Over a dead body,

covered in blood. you're so pretty have you ever seen any man be this comfortable with the fact his son's gonna be a gay serial killer I mean

look you can be whatever you wanna be honestly I've got no problem with him being a gay serial killer though not even the serial killer bit if he ever makes him happy you just want your kids

to be happy don't you you do I want him to be like Dexter though if he is a serial killer I want to like try and fuck him is that why you've bought the car so if he kills you you can have that chat with him

yeah I can be like listen only kill nonces right just nonces well I mean we can branch out just start with nonces right just nonces well I mean we can branch out start with nonces

start with nonces and then just like a nonce starter a nonce starter oh Carl's a fucking fucking dropping

bars over there fucking don't fuck would you do that though like if if he kills the cat genuinely into his ear so let's say in a couple of weeks like Helen's being Would you do that though? Like if he kills the cat genuinely interested there.

So let's say in a couple of weeks like Helen's being in the fucking shower or whatever and she's left Alex downstairs. Nice. She comes down and the cat's just fucking gone. And he's just there and he's going Mum I don't know I just you know I was just

I was watching some gay porn and then I came back mum and the cat was just dead. You wouldn't be watching gay porn. Why? Because we've got blocks on it. If he's as fucking clever and psycho as you think he is then he knows your password. So he's like mum I was just

watching the video of the naked men and then I've come in and the cat's all sad and he doesn't want to move because obviously he knows he's killed it but he's trying to fucking blend it in. Yeah. So he's like I thought the cat's fucked. Like what would so Helen rings you and she's like She's killed it, but he's trying to fucking blend it, isn't he? Yeah. So he's like, oh, the cat's fucked. Like, what would... So Helen rings you, and she's like...

She's killed the cat. Come round to ours, the cat's dead. Alex says, like, the cat was just feeling sick, and it jumped off the couch nine times, and now it's dead. And I want you to come and have a word with Alex. So you're going to sit... I'll be Alex.

It's role play. Okay. Daddy. Daddy, daddy. Daddy. The cat is all sick. Pineapple princess. What's his name?

He speaks a lot better than you. Doesn't he? Yeah. Daddy. I mean. The cat has died. Just his vocabulary. Father.

The pussy cat has passed into the other realm. I didn't do it. I was watching Thomas the Wank Engine. You've had that line, though. I haven't. You haven't. I don't know. This whole thing was just to get Thomas the Wank Engine.

You watched Thomas the Wank Engine last night. I was watching Thomas the Wank Engine last night. I was watching Thomas the Wank Engine. And I come back. And what's the cat's name? Pineapple Paulina. Pineapple Paulina has felt taken ill and has passed into another realm. I'm very sorry, Dad. I would have saved...

Why is he a fucking robot? Because you said he talks like a gobshite. I'm a robot, though. So, I'll tell you what, Dad. I would have saved... Why is he a fucking robot? Because you said he talks like a gobshite. I'm a robot, though. So, I'll tell you what, then. You tell me what he talks like, and then I'll mimic him. I'm good at impressions. I can't do him. He kind of...

He goes like, I'm going to tell you something. And you go, what? And then he'll just tell you something about Nintendo Switch. But I can't do his voice. Okay, I'm going to shove it up and he'll just tell you something about Nintendo Switch. But I can't do his voice. Okay. I'm going to shove it up your arse. So, right. The cat's dead

and I'm Alex and you've got to talk to me. So I'll just... Alright. So, Al. Al. Like he's a fucking 40 and all. Did you kill the cat?

No. I was watching Thomas the Wank Engine, Daddy. Didn't you hear me? And I go, is that a fib? No. I was watching Thomas the Wank Engine, Daddy. Didn't you hear me? And I go, is that a fib? No. And then he'd go... Yeah. And I'd go, okay.

No, I was watching... And then I'd look at Helen and she'd be like, and I'd be like, okay, well... So, Daddy... Why did you kill the cat? Don't tell Mummy. He whispered that. He'd be like, shh, don't tell Mummy.

I felt its neck break and it gave me good feelings daddy like when we watch Peppa Pig together he's getting into this too I reckon he's a psycho 100% we'll get back to that

I felt it break it gave me feelings daddy can I do it again I feel like I'm talking to you and not a character now can I do it again? I feel like I'm talking to you in that character now. Can I do it again? Have you killed a cat? No.

Are you sure? All of his fantasies, all of them, end with murder-suicide. Like, yeah, it'd be like, you know, like the question,

if you won the lottery what would you do you win an under mill I'd kill everyone and kill myself and that's not it one of them one of them was

why'd you need an under mill to do that he's he's being hyperbolous one of them was if you could go back to any era for a day

what would you do and he went but there's no consequences so you go back and whatever you do it's so if you kill yourself you're just gonna be back here yeah yeah not for a year but also the people like if you kill people there they're not dead you come back and they're still here so it's just gta yeah it's gca but like if you die you're just gonna come out the hospital and

everyone's gonna be back again so his year and i'd fucking take a few people yes lad his year was killing people all year and then killing himself on new year's eve I reckon I'd fucking take a few people yes lad serial killer psycho club over here his year was like his year was killing people all year and then killing himself on New Year's Eve how would you kill yourself

Empire State Building Superman that's genuine nah that's a bad way to go that you know oh we've had this chat a fucking thousand times

it isn't it's the best way to go how is it because you're like a fucking superhero New York City nah is it because you're like a fucking superhero New York City nah a superhero flies you're dropping

a superhero who's hungover would you try and land in like that fucking in like a nail no because then imagine if you survived don't reckon you're surviving

anyway you're a fucking puddle stranger things have happened after if you were going to kill yourself how would you do it like genuinely kill me I reckon you're surviving anyway you're a fucking puddle Stranger things have happened Have they? If you were going to kill yourself how would you do it? Like genuinely kill myself and not come back?

Yeah Yeah I reckon like What's the alternative? Kill yourself for a week? No but like in your finger you could kill yourself and then you'd just be back again

Is this the moment? Oh yeah okay well we'll do both so like in my one so you've gone on a fucking murder spree for a year GTA style but you've got away with it and now you're like right it's new year's eve gotta kill myself you've got

to how are you doing it is this the mental health section yeah yeah okay i'd um i'd either go i'd either do the fucking classic fucking bathtub of 37 degrees fuck what a grim way to go doesn't hurt though you just go to sleep it's not going to hurt If you jump off the Empire State Building You're going to be dead On impact It is going to hurt You'll probably be dead Before you hit the floor

What a heart attack Yeah I don't want to die Of a heart attack You suffocate don't you You suffocate You can't breathe Why can't you Got a mask on

Still got to be COVID compliant For your suicide lad COVID innit Or I'd have a Like a fucking hang wank see what it felt like and a spixy wank

that would be a good way to go have you ever done one of them imagine that was the best cum you'd ever had though like fucking

I've never I've been choked a little bit and it's not bad well you'd have a wank no while I've been having sex oh yeah

no that's normal but I mean you're quite a submissive sex man aren't you yeah you're like getting fucking battered battered though not battered no I'm not really into pain that much normal but I mean why not you're quite a submissive sex man aren't you yeah you like getting fucking battered

battered though not battered no I'm not really into pain that much no but you like being abused like coming emotionally yeah I like being

spoken to in a very derogatory way do you yeah see that's like most girls are like that I find like most girls

even when they're like all confident and like demanding in real life like fucking pick that up put the toilet seat down they want to be fucking donkey punching that

do you know what I mean they do they love it though like a lot of them really do and it's like it's such a gear change at times

when you're like you've been on like a really cute date with a girl and you've been you know you've been for a couple of cocktails she's like yeah

no I'm really close to my mum and you know my dad's a little bit distant my sister's like my best mate and you know I've got a couple of cousins I'm really close with yeah i just know i like reading a lot and

like it's jade no it's not it's not and nan watches this podcast i just you know i'm just really wholesome and then you get in the fucking bedroom and they're putting fucking shin pads on and that and fucking head guards and they're like let's go

it's time sticking a gummy in and that but it's it's so like such a gear change and it takes a while to get used to that

I'm used to it now though yeah but you like sort of yeah I'm the other way like getting told off I like to I can switch me so I can be dominant as well

yeah I do enjoy that yeah but I've discovered the holes I've always been like that and I've discovered the new submissive side yeah

in the last couple of years and I'm like oof yeah I've seen you talk about it on stage the other day yeah that you're like getting fucking told off

like you're a naughty little child yeah yeah yeah I'm saving a laugh yeah I've seen you talk about it on stage the other day yeah that you're like getting fucking told off like you're a naughty little child yeah yeah yeah I'm saving all that for my show that comes with

success 2021 what that comes with like success like lawyers and shit love that don't they

all lawyers no but like high powered people like fucking yeah district attorneys and all that that's why all the

fucking politicians get led round like the fucking dogs and that yeah see I like sort of like I really like being in control

but I also like being having absolutely no control yeah so like being like not in like a fuck I don't want to get fucking mothered

and beat up like you and fucking naughty boy put a dummy in I don't want that shit right you defo let your bear feed you the bottle

nah breastfed defo what about breastfed that's been put into a bottle in the fridge as long as it's come from a tit is that okay

that's right like come here Paul breast milk's lovely you ever had breast milk no bad breast I've

at least I've had breast milk on multiple occasions no I know you've I know like you did a fucking put it on your arm and lick it off and that I've never sucked it out of a tit no but have you had like a glass I know, like, you did a fucking put it on your arm and lick it off and that. I've never sucked it out of its head, no. But have you had, like, a glass of breast milk?

Like, I would have a fucking glass of milk. Nah, because it's fucking hard to get that much out, innit? Should you have, like, a shot of it? I'd have a shot of it. I've actually had breast milk out of a shot glass. What are you nodding for? Why is that that bad? It's dead nice.

It's dead nice. Who's tit? I don't want to say because a fella got very angry about it but you know her a fella

yeah and I didn't instigate it she just went do you want to try my best and I went meh and she put it

into her shot glass I know it is but you can't say because a fella got very angry rightly so now that once I looked at it from his point of view I was like yeah that's probably not right that is it no but you can't say because the fella got very angry rightly so now that once I looked at it

from his point of view I was like yeah that's probably not right that is it no it probably isn't like if you come here and I was like by the way lad

good to see you we'll do the podcast in a minute your bird's breast milk is fucking lovely do you ever ask the same as giving a bird but I didn't ask for it

do you know what I mean is it the same as giving a bird like a shot of cum no nah because they have cum as well don't they

no but I mean like taste this taste this like would your bird get angry you mean yeah if your

if your if your if your bird come and went Paul Smith's cum's lovely you know I reckon

I reckon that's on par with breast milk no I reckon it's worse I reckon no because breast milk isn't not sexual breast milk, is it?

It can be. It is for you, let's be honest. But, like, it can be. But cum definitely is. When I tried that breast milk, I wasn't licking it and getting hard on it, and that wasn't a sexual thing. That wasn't, like...

It's not like, if I come near breast milk, I'm going to get fucking turned on. Within the role play. Yeah. Yeah. With a person I am comfortable with. So breast milk isn'm gonna get fucking turned on within the role play yeah yeah so with a person I am comfortable so breast milk

isn't necessarily sexual whereas do you want a shot or cum I mean you're like two for the fiver

two for the fiver like it's Sambuca on a saffie yeah I'd want more of a fiver to give someone

me cum like two shots of me cum yeah because shot glasses yeah you're doing well to get a shot glass

yeah two shot glasses anyway look at his face he thinks he comes like a fucking bucket you know look at him dude though don't he

like you know when you're watching a porno and they're like fucking the cums and you're like like I don't wanna I don't wanna turn this podcast into

like filth but erm I come at least two shot glasses like at least two shot glasses. Like at least 50 mil. 50 mil?

You don't. Thank you, Paul. You fucking don't. That's bollocks. I do. The average is five mil. No. No, it is.

You just think it's more. It is. I'm telling you right now. You might come more than that, but you don't come 10 times more than the average person. 60 mil. Fucking Jay from the in-between is here, I come a pint.

At least two pints. It's not a fucking good thing, is it? I'm not saying it's a fucking good thing. Think about a double shot glass full of water and then pour it out. You think you come that much.

I mean, it's thicker than water, but yeah. It's viscous, actually. What's viscous? Viscosity is the thickness of liquid. Viscosity? That sounds like a biscuit. That's five counts of viscosity. it's more it's viscous actually what's viscous viscosity is the thickness of liquid viscosity

that sounds like a biscuit that's why he calls it viscosity I think I'm biscotti biscotti biscotti it feels like IG is at least

a double shot you don't you you fucking don't and I reckon we need to test this bring a sample in next one

yeah next episode both of you just go to bargain alpha no because he's a cheating cunt and he'll do anything to win and he'll sit there for a week having fucking 10 wanks

yeah just get to 50 mil and be like I fucking told you I just whacked that out before well go go to the toilet now give me an hour and a half

and come back an hour and a half I like to treat myself well turn myself on do you ever do that do you oh mate have you got a fucking

have you got ever had one of those mate have you got a fucking have you got ever had one of those like a not like a like a flashlight yeah have you got one mate

have you got one yeah mate I've got four why they're different shapes they're different shapes I've got I've got a travel one so you've got like

four birds and you're like a travel one a travel one between like a like a smaller hair dryer it's more than that yes

it's got less settings on yeah because they're big aren't they they're like fucking the baddest big so like you don't want to stick that in your bag do you know what I mean so this one's just like

a little and you can turn it inside out and it's got like different like each like if you turn it inside out it's like different like tightnesses in there different like sensations

they're fucking great so good how would you empty it though because with that one you just turn it out and wash it but the fleshlights man the fleshlights go to another level

because you get like a warming rod with that so you make it warm and shit like that it proper feels like a fanny it's fucking mad it proper feels like a fanny yeah

does it have like a set in where it like I don't know what the fuck it's made out of but the material they use feels like skin it's called like fucking imagine if you found out it was it was actual skin they're all signed by porn fuck it's made out of but the material they use feels like skin Imagine if you found out it was

It was actual skin They're all signed by porn stars It's like they're shaped on the porn stars Can you get your own, your favourite porn star? You can make your own dick You can get like a fucking Here we go Just stick a fucking pint of milk on the bottom of it

Doesn't it look weird though? Yeah, I got one the other day Just stick a fucking pint of milk on the bottom of it. Doesn't it look weird though? Yeah I've got one the other day because we did a little love honey shop right and it's called this one's it's called the thrust and it's not like it's like a suction one so like the edges like squeeze in a shw and it makes a weird noise. What kind of fucking monster of a bird can squeeze your dick while it's in a funny? Oh, mate, it's like... It sucks your balls out. You'd have to be doing fucking Kegel exercises

for that, wouldn't you? Yeah. Killer. It's great. Like a fucking vice? Yeah, you can't use that one very often because it's like... What, it's too good?

Yeah. I always wondered... A little prostate massager as well. Fucking hell. A prostate massager? I fucking hell a prostate massager I'm going to do you mean a fucking strap on

that you put up your arse nah it's like that big right and it's got a little bit that comes up here and it goes in

and it's like ridged like that and it just sits in your bum and do you do you do this when you're on your own

when you're wanking you're tense and you go ooh I'll just sit down see I've got IBS I'd be worried about shitting

all over the bed he is anyway you are I'd be worried about shitting all over the bed he is anyway you are I'd have to do that right like like 15 minutes after a poo

so that I know I'm empty do you know what I mean in the bath yeah in the bath I'd have a bath wank but you can't have a wank

in the bath it'd have to be an empty bath you can with one of them with the waterproof in there better yeah but like have you ever come in the bath it'd have to be an empty bath you can with one of them with the waterproof in there better yeah but like have you ever come in the bath

and you just see a fucking what you come inside the thing oh yeah that's that's a good point actually yeah you can get them with the flashlight you can get a sucker

that goes on the wall for the shower so you can shag it in the shower god oh shit oh I thought I

I was always like I feel really weird that you're shagging a wall you know what when I was gonna get the first one I was always like do you not feel really weird that you're shagging a wall you know what when I was gonna get the first one I was like I'll have a go

and I thought it is a bit weird and I don't know why I think there's a stigma attached because fucking every bear has got a vibrator and fucking multiple dicks do you know what I mean

yeah pretty much all of them now and I feel like yeah do you know what I think it's time actually because we talk about a lot of serious stuff on this podcast

and it's nice that you've brought it to here it's time to talk about female privilege and the fact that they get away with fucking murder do you know what? I think it's time, actually, because we talk about a lot of serious stuff on this podcast and it's nice that you've brought it to here. It's time to talk about female privilege and the fact that they get away with fucking murder. Do you know how hard it is to suck dick the way to the top when you're a man? It's very difficult to get yourself off. Very difficult.

You need extreme porn. Like, the porn I watch is fucking grim and I need it because if I watch normal porn now, I'm like, what the fuck is this? I've got better imagination. Yeah? Bad? Yeah.

Women have got it fucking too easy and they've had it too easy for fucking too long what's your journey like you said about weird porn what is it it depends it's

I've said this to Dan before it's worse when I'm hungover when I'm hungover everyone's this it's bad I watch like midgets get pissed on and everything when I'm hungover

you like that no as soon as I come I have to put my phone in another room I go to dead ugly beds Yeah Because they feel gettable

Don't they Dead ugly ugly Like council estate Yeah I've I've shagged In a fucking bush I've shagged

Ugly slut before Ugly slut porn up Yeah You mark him up Yeah Mama like that Mama like that mama like that yeah

why do you what do you watch because you you present this sort of no I'm all wholesome I'm Carl I'm dead cool and sound

I reckon you watch some grim stuff free range free range yeah watch chickens in the field go out in the field organic

yeah organic porn they're gonna have space to move and run away if they want run away what do you have to catch them then

yeah no pokemon just I don't midgets getting pissed on isn't sexy and porn it is though

it's not no it is though because it's if you saw the midget getting pissed on I don't think because what like every time I tell someone

about I have this thing like I think sometimes especially when you're hungover you're just turned on by the thing that you shouldn't be turned on like midges getting pissed on

and then once you because if he come out and was like you know what I'm really into midges getting pissed on and a midger came to him and went he'd probably be like

I'm not really into this now because it's accepted I don't want to piss on a midger no but if you went outside and Paul was pissing on Tanya Lee Davis, would you get a boner? Would you get a boner?

Depends how much I drank the night before. And then he throws six pints of cum on her. Nah, it wouldn't do it for me now because that's double ginger and that just doesn't work

I went out with a bird once oh mate one of the worst dates I've ever had hang on can we just I want to hear

this story but he's fucking did you see him fucking dodge that fucking spin ball and I sent him what do you watch I'm proper

I'm quite vanilla when it comes to it I don't believe you no I reckon he's a fucking sociopath you know see the way he calls me a psychopath i admit it out loud so i can't be a psychopath he keeps it all in there's a reason that carl has no real carl's probably the funniest person here and yet he has no desire

or want or need to be on stage doing stand-up making a fucking show of himself being a prick because i think if he knew you've got mental health problems that he hasn't got no no i think if he knew for sure for sure that he could have a good gig he'd absolutely get on stage he's all he's worried about all he's worried about is going on stage it not going well and him being you know carlo used to work at that was he He fucking sucked a bag of dicks. That's all he's at. He'd absolutely get on stage. Are you having a laugh? Oh, maybe I'm wrong. It's a bit of both.

You're not wrong, but you're not wrong either. I remember when we were in the, the Mayflower ones. I think you were there or Alfie Brown was there. No, you weren't there.

Alfie Brown was there and Milo McCabe. We'd had this heavy night out and I've never it's very very hard to rattle him or put him on his toes or say

do you know what I'm about to say so it's very hard for him to be like you know just put out he'd normally just shut up you fucking knob and he was like he said something to me

like because obviously we have such a good relationship and a dynamic that when we're in the green room I'm fucking chatting shit with you and Billy Big Bull because it only takes him to come in when he was

show managing at Hot Water he'd come in and just be like you dickhead and he'd say something and it just puts me in your place and i've never gotten back until this night and he said to in front of alfie and troy yeah but you need all the attention don't you you need to be on stage getting all that love and affection i don't need that and i was like yeah because you get all your ego boost from comedians thinking you sound and i've never seen him he went white and he was like that's all he needs from life is people who are professionally funny going he's all right yeah he's funny like when you said he's the funniest person in the room then i'm guaranteeing you he twinged a bit of his pants 100% maybe that's why he has a Vancouver I reckon he does

I mean I've got this is recorded so that's why the edit always takes fucking days even though it's only actually an hour and a half he's just fucking spaffing to the podcast

whenever we're talking about how sad it is I do reckon he watches some fucked up shit he just doesn't want to admit it though I think everyone does honestly I don't what's the worst thing

you've ever watched and not by accident I don't know there must have been one day where you just had a grim honestly I don't what's the worst thing you've ever watched and not by accident I don't know there must have been one day where you just had a grim honestly I don't

it's not I've had so much more what do you search for romantic no I don't search for romantic what do you search for valentine's day

in a hotel no because you know I hate that do you know valentine's day you don't even look like a bit of fucking teen I hate valentine's day

you never even put like babysitter braces oh braces oh that's a bit of a fucking teen. You never even put like babysitter. Braces. Oh, braces. Oh, that's a bit grim now. That's dead noncy. Babysitter's normal because it's like taboo, isn't it?

It's what I've been saying. It says at the start of the video. Yeah, but they say that's a bit... It says at the start of the video. It wasn't me that's right. Yeah, but like, you must have said something come on we're all mates here it's only us three here

no one else listening honestly I'm dead vanilla I'm normal I'm born I've got favourite actresses who's your favourite you can't say that

and then not offer one up go on I don't know I've got a favourite I've got many go on 15 go on

start listing my favourite actress is Tracy from Coronation Street I don't know. I haven't got a favourite. I've got many. Go on. Like 15. Go on. Start listing. My favourite actress is Tracy from Coronation Street. We don't know her. I think mine's Anna Kendrick from Pitch Perfect. Yeah, she's fit. She's no porn star. What?

Why are you still talking about porn? Say fucking... It's always on his mind, you know. Oh, no, I can't be arsed watching professionals do porn. Hang on, did you think... Oh, do you watch all the amateur stuff did you think I thought I was searching like

fucking Margot Robbie on Pornhub that's weird isn't it no I just thought like you were like fucking old school looking at a fucking poster

no he's got like he's got like favourite porn stars he's got like fucking Lisa Ann and fucking Tyra Jenna Jameson or whatever the fuck

Jenna Jameson's like dead is she dead well you still have to get a video he fucking loves Saran and fucking Tara. Like Jenna Jameson or whatever the fuck. Lisa Ann's horrible. Jenna Jameson's like death as well. Is she dead? You still have to get a video. He fucking loves the buttons on it. Who's your favourite? Come on.

Just give us one that you really like. See how nervous he is. I fucking love it when I get them, you know. I'm trying to think of one. Just think of one name. I reckon he's told his bed. He doesn't watch porn Nicole Aniston Nicole what?

Aniston Nicole Aniston Is that Jennifer's sister? Yeah Jennifer Aniston So you're into amateur? I love amateur porn I don't watch

I like it Well I like it when it's Professional I like it when it's professional I like it when it's professional but it looks like they're trying to make it amateur I know what you mean

too amateur when there's someone's fucking got his fucking little party I don't mind a bit of fake taxi or something where they're like

oh I've got a camera and she's like have you not on there's so many people in your taxi who haven't got the fare it's fucking weird

oh I think Not on on. There's so many people in your taxi who haven't got the fare. It's fucking weird. Oh, I think we should give our listeners a break and have a little adverb, and then we'll come back. In a moment, guys. What's happening, lids? Today's sponsor is Beer 52. Beer 52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. If you're into your beers, your ales, your stouts, Beer52 is the place for you.

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Please, go get yourself some free stuff on us. Don't forget to watch our very funny podcast videos on YouTube. You can subscribe at youtube.com forward slash have a word pod. So, we didn't really cover too much. Because obviously,

for those who've been listening for a while, you'll know Paul was the very first guest that we ever brought in. Yeah. Have a word studio. Spot on the couch.

Spot over there. It was fun. It was dead good. Talked about DMT dead good talked about DMT talked about DMT you fucking mind getting melted but we never really

talked about like we've had quite a fucking we've been really good mates like best mates for like sorry Carl for like 10 years

but we can all be best mates we can no we're best mates we're best mates look how upset he is I'm sorry yeah I'm a second best mate

yeah dog we're done I said you're a yeah I'm a second best mate Yeah Dog We're done I said you're a dog I'm a dog I'm cheating on you at all All the time You were in Japan

He was in mine Cuddling me That's fine As long as it wasn't us We were both in yours I told him in detail We would know we were in Paul's But your mum was there as well

We've had quite the decade I was trying to think of the stories that I didn't really cover on the last one we met because you'd done the gig at Hot Water my first ever gig was at Hot Water I've still got an image in my head of me, I was dead nervous and I went to the bar because I'd been there

a few times before but I'd never sort of spoke to you yeah like I went to like three gigs before I did the gig and I was just in the audience

or whatever and then I've just got this image burned to my head you like you keep yourself together now but you're a fucking scruffy to act back then do you know what I mean

you're at the bar with your fucking hair all over the gaff like this your fucking dead grandad's jacketaff like this. Your fucking dead grandad's jacket on someone else's shirt. Some fucking flared jeans and a pair of Convicts.

At that point, I was on £50 a week and I used to spend £50 a week on a Sunday night. I was fucking skipped, mate. Oh,

and I've just got this image burnt in my head. I went to the bar to get myself a beer or something and I just turned to me, right, and you just went to me.

I've just got it burnt into my head. You're like, alright, mate, you aren't you and i was like yeah and then the rest is history and now i've lived in your house two of them for a bit yeah yeah that was that i think that's how we got close though because we had didn't we knew each other but like you just put a thing on facebook didn't you saying i'm struggling a little bit needs where to stay and i just canaged you I can't really remember and I messaged you I suppress a lot of shit you can stay in mind for a little bit little did they know

you'd be there for fucking like four months it wasn't four months three months three four months it was it wasn't

it was and me missus was fucking pregnant no it was it wasn't it was like a week or something nah it was fucking ages

was it really yeah it was ages yeah it can't have been four months it was fucking ages when it really yeah it was ages yeah it can't have been four months it was fucking ages when was this and you're a

scruffy twat I am a scruffy twat well I used to be I was just spotless now thanks to who what thanks to

thanks to Carl Carl come and clean with you today you're fucking weird sound you mean he's dead sound I just walked down the house pretending to do stuff and let him finish it all I mean fucking weird sound you mean he's dead sound I just walked down the house

pretending to do stuff and let him finish it all you know what I mean fucking sound me you know I'm smelling a bit me I didn't put any Voxpray on it wasn't four months it can't have been

are you talking about when my dad went fucking round the twist and I had to come to yours no no the first time because that wasn't very long was it because me and you got pissed and come back and your beard was like

he needs to fucking go the first time it was it was when she was pregnant with George. We were in Bertry. Yeah, in Canny Farm. In Dovey, yeah. Dovey, Canny Farm, yeah. Yeah, you stayed there for a few months then. Did I?

Why don't I fucking remember any of that? Yeah. I mean, I'm very grateful. I remember you had a fucking thing on the wall in the kitchen where it was like how many sugars

people have in the tea and I remember it felt like a big moment when I was added to the list because it was you Helen your maria maria

dad and then Adam I was in that street all her family lived in the street didn't they and everyone used to just

pop around yeah and then best man at your wedding that was funny as fuck if anyone hasn't seen it by the way a couple of weeks ago

me and Paul ended up on stage together at Hot Water wedding number one by the way wedding number one of three second one's coming up

sure you're looking forward to that yeah that was a funny day that a very very funny day I can't really remember it I'm not surprised

I can remember getting being there. I'm not surprised. I can remember being there and you getting the Lagaville announced. Yeah, so I... I can't remember the speeches. Well, I... So, me and Paul Blair, who owns Hot Water Comedy Club, we were co-best men. Yeah. We've mentioned Paul Blair so many times in this podcast,

and his full title is always Paul Blair, who owns Hot Water Comedy Club. We were co-best men. And I brought a bottle of Lagaville in 16, which his full title is always Paul Blair, who owns Hogwarts Comedy Club. We were co-best men, and I brought a bottle of Lagavulin 16, which is like my favourite whiskey, and we're all whiskey and beer drinkers, and I remember I put like, I filled a hip flask full of it,

and we were stood at the fucking altar, waiting for your beard to come, and we were just sip, sip, passing it, and then after that was done, I went and got the rest of the bottle, because we were staying in the hotel that the wedding was in, and we drank that full bottle of whiskey

before the food came out. I think that's where the day started to go off the fucking rails to be honest with you that was i mean in retrospect that was really bad best man wasn't it well you're meant to keep me on the rails at that point like if carl was your best man carl imagine how good of a best i might make him my next best man hang on a minute are you fucking retarded he would though oh when it comes to like the wedding

and making shit happen yeah but I'd ruin your fucking life but it wouldn't be on the wedding day Alan the stag he'd kill you yeah

but when it comes to the wedding I'd be fucking boss he's right oh okay I never thought that I thought you'd be trying to ruin the day no

see that's not convincing is it no me what that reflects on me doesn't it are you saying that your marriage going downhill was my fault yeah well you're welcome how time you got into that one lad but yeah we we were a bit fucked but you can't play you can't ask me and Paul Blair to be your best men.

No, but fucking Paul Blair's a sneaky cunt. Because Paul Blair, for 99% of the time, is the most sensible cunt on the planet. He is, though. You ring him now and have a conversation with him, he's fucking dead level-headed. And he lulls you into a false sense of security because you forget how much of a

fucking idiot he is and how much alcohol does it take for that to all go down the toilet it's only two pints it's not even two pints is it he needs to be

within a three mile radius of a beer pump and then he's a fucking absolute lunatic I've never met anyone who can drink like Paul Blair

is he older than you no no he's younger than you just turned 34 but like I've never known if than you nah now he's younger than you just turned 34 but like I've never known like I'm if I drink heavily now

two days are gone it's a write off for two days he to this day if you drink with him till 6 o'clock in the morning you will wake up at 10am

to a text of him going we're getting back on it we're getting back on it where does Boone's open but then he's fucked he doesn't process it yeah so he's fucked

after like he sends a fucking rap battle to strangers in the street. Starts trying to fight with people again. See, you're laughing. Because you know it sounds like bullshit, doesn't it? That sounds like I'm just being like, oh, he's a rap. He literally stops people in the street and just starts rhyming at them.

He just goes, yo. And he expects them to start fucking dropping beats in there. You're looking at him going, Paul, stop it. And he's like, some fucking old woman doing a shopping and he's like yo someone's just old caught the last fucking court last orders of tesco and he's like listen stupid old bitch i follow you kick you in the ditch and then buzzes off himself he's his own hype man and we're all just

stood there going lads we're trying to get into fucking pop world here will you fucking chill out that was fucking it

well yeah so your wedding day the stag was the worst the fucking stag was grim this next stag better be fucking

better this next stag will be good I think well your next stag is Ibiza yeah so it's going to be fucking heavy

how no fucking about on this one we went he did not plan a fucking thing on that last stag he did but he thought he thought Oktoberfest

was a fucking gazebo outside Primark them pants do you remember the pants yeah and he thought he bought me right his fucking

I think that was his only fucking pre-planned fucking thing like to to make me look stupid he thought there was like a fucking big waterplanned fucking thing like to to make me look stupid he thought there was like a fucking big water park right and he bought me like dissolving fucking thing and i knew he'd done it i mentioned them did you just say there was a big water park no that's what he

thought it was a fucking paddling pool three miles out of the city center what he thought was there it was 73 kilometers away and he was like we'll just get taxis and i was like we won't and he was like oh and he was a few minutes and i knew it was away and he was like we'll just get taxis and I was like we won't and he was like oh and he was like a few minutes and I knew it was that because he was like

nah we'll we'll just go this and he found like a fucking like scotch barn bat or something he's going let's go Ian I was like

why you can't there's not even a bar he's like that'd be funny we need to contextualise this a little bit for the listeners

so we went to Berlin for Paul Smith's first act we're going to Ibiza next year which is going to be amazing

and you are expecting Ibiza to be less insane than Berlin Monday to Wednesday there's activities planned so it'll be fun

it'll be good it'll be fantastic we went to Berlin on a Monday yeah but it was during Oktoberfest

week that was the plan wasn't it I'd asked to go to Munich by the way which is where Oktoberfest is no but there it was during Oktoberfest week that was the plan wasn't it I'd asked to go to Munich by the way which is where Oktoberfest is no but there's also

an Oktoberfest about 50 miles outside of the city or 50 kilometres outside the city centre of Berlin but Paul Blair he was like

oh that one's dead expensive but there is an Oktoberfest in the city centre there was a fucking gazebo outside the

Christmas market that's what it was it was the Christmas market but they'd put a few extra tents up That's what it was. It was the Christmas market, but they'd put a few extra tents up. Yeah. That's all it was. And they didn't want us there at all, did they?

They absolutely... Everyone in Berlin hated every single one of us. Yeah. It was fucking mental. And then I'm going to have to put the picture in the middle of this podcast, the most iconic photo of all time. So on day three, was it?

Or day two of the stag, we wake up at like nine o'clock in the morning and there's text from paul blair and davey ash who's another comedian who was another pain in the ass you put them two together it's like it's like fucking it's like mentos and diet coke and it's just fucking like looking at both of them you're like oh that looks dead nice and that looks dead nice away it's's fucking ridiculous so they were already out drinking at like fucking nine o'clock ten o'clock in the morning

fuck a stag do let's get on it and we were all like me and Carl everyone was drinking steins which I fucking ate because the second half of a stein is grim

so we were drinking pints you're a bit of a fucking pussy with lager though what you I've never seen you have a pint without a topping am I wrong Carl

you are wrong yeah I don't I'm not wrong there am I that's a shandy top that's a shandy top you ever pint without a top in? Am I wrong, Carl? You are wrong, yeah. I don't know. I'm not wrong there, am I? That's a shandy top. That's a shandy top. I can't remember the last time I had a top. Mate, I got you a top

about two weeks ago. You fucking didn't. I fucking did. You didn't. I fucking did. You fucking didn't. I did. You didn't.

I did. That was my Anna. He's the pussy over there. I'm a fucking absolute machine with me. You don't like to drink on bottles no I'm you don't drink pints though

I do I'm shit on pints I can drink two bottles of rum and walk home but if I drink two pints I'm not walking home it's weird

beer fucks me but like I don't like steins because the second half is just warm so I'd rather have two pints and drink it

as fast as you drink your Stein. Do you know what I mean? It's just better. Stein's are a novelty. You don't have one Stein where there's Paul Blair who's like, no, Stein's at nine in the morning until five and then we're on the vodka.

And he was fucked by like midday, weren't he? And we're walking around Berlin on a fucking Tuesday afternoon. It was pissing down and everything and trying to find bars to let us in and then Davey Ash who is the other liability and we love both of these

by the way we're not slagging them off well we are but in a friendly way I remember Davey going round to the whole stack he was going

fiver fiver he was a fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver

fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver

fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver

fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver

fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver

fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver

fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver

fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver fiver-filer, fiver, fiver, fiver, fiver, fiver, fiver, fiver there are fucking like 22 of us however many there was there and he come back to the bar he went he's got a downy and he'd gone to the bar and said i want one of every shot until it's called the top shelf and what it was a pint with every fucking spirit in the bar in but it went down that and i just went no and i'd like expensive whiskey and then aftershock and then apple sours and then a fucking good rum and oh and it looked grim and he's like you've got a down it at one

point i don't know whether you know this he said let's throw him in the dock he said and I heard him and I was like lad why if you throw

it was a fucking it was ships innit you said there's ships innit and I was like you throw me in there I'm dead and he's like

yeah it's fucking laughter innit and I was like that's what Davey's problem is he's just so he goes from being like when he's sober

he's fucking all namaste and that and he's like fucking yeah he's dead gentle and like lovely do anything for you he's just like

oh let's fucking kill someone's nan I'll be dead for you only let's kill someone's nan he's fucking off his head so we're in this like shit bar like by the dock

because it was the only place that was like serving that would let us all in and then as we're leaving we went to another place and then Paul and Davey were drunk

and Paul was getting like pissed off with everyone because we couldn't get you to a fucking swimming bath so that your pants would dissolve and then they were both just too drunk

and I remember Binti the other owner of Hot Water Paul's brother he goes to me right we need to coordinate this so you

chaperone everyone forward find somewhere we're not going to get in anywhere with these two the rap battle and people in Berlin and people don't know what they're up to

so I'm going to fucking divert them back to the hotel you text me where you've took them and once I've got them in bed I'll come and meet you by the way

this is about fucking half three in the afternoon it was early as fuck and we found that Irish bar didn't we and we took over that gaff that night. That was the best night, wasn't it? That was a fun night.

Oh, yeah, it was fucking phenomenal. Mate, when that fucking... Has anyone got the video of that fucking... Yeah, it's on my Facebook. The woman came in, and she was signed off. She was smashed, and she was asked for a life, and someone held the black candle up. Absolutely.

I've got that video, and I will put it in... Fucking brilliant. Before we bring the guest in today, you know we put an advert break after this bit. I'll put that video and I will put it in. Fucking brilliant. Before we bring the guest in today, you know, we put an advert break after this bit. I'll put that video. So stay tuned.

You will see that video of that fucking smackhead woman who stunk a piss. Are you doing it yet? What? Are you doing it? You'll do it. Carla do.

Yeah. So we went to that Irish bar and we got a big table to ourselves. We text Binti, he come back. There was two singers on when he was singing like you may you may meet the fucking bowl of scouse without a spoon yeah

well at this point we felt like it's a stag do we've got to give you some challenges my favorite me two favorite things that we did yeah because if you're not already aware of paul smith by the way i don't know where you've been fucking hiding but go to the hot water comedy club youtube page paul is famous, not only for stand-up, but a lot of crowd work and comparing. You're a host,

aren't you? That's where you've sort of got your following from, is crowd work and A, and we made you go over to a table and host the table

with no context. So Paul just had to walk over to a table in Berlin to German people in this nice little Irish bar and go, hi guys, give us a cheer if you've been before. Give us a cheer if you haven't been before. over to a table in Berlin to German people in this nice little Irish bar and go hiya guys

give us a cheer if you've been before give us a cheer if you haven't been before are you drinking tonight oh how long have you been together oh

it was a fucking nutter when you made me go they made me go to the bar and I had to sit at the bar and he go when he asks you when he tries to get you to pay you have to have an argument

with yourself like you don't want to pay yeah we may just get to finish and I'd be like no and I'd done it for about a fucking and this barman's just left and i've still got i've still got a video you're at the bar going hey yeah and the barman's just stood there going hey that's four pound please mate and you're going listen lad i got the last round and you're like well i got the two

before that so you owe two it's fucking like they're the stag do challenges that are fucking brilliant because you're not going to get arrested you might get sectioned but you're not going to get arrested you're not going to die it just makes you look like a fucking knobhead but we're there

and the singers aren't we like I don't know whether you remember it because you were hammered we were all drunk but we took over

that place and like we were singing along with every song they were singing every song we requested the whole it felt like

we were in like we were in a little elevated bit and although it was just a little bit of the pub, it felt like we were in VIP. Yeah, all the Germans are fucking looking at us like, I want to be mates with them. It was so fucking good.

And then, because we were all there, apart from Paul Blair and Davey, literally every other person on the Stag do was there. The Stag do WhatsApp chat, the group chat, we hadn't checked it for hours and hours and hours because we didn't need to because we were all there and the two liabilities were in bed.

And then one of us, I think it was me, I went on the... I went to toilet and came back. And you'd checked your phone and like, have you checked the group? And Paul Blair and Davey

had been, had sent a video and a photograph to the WhatsApp group. That's brilliant though. I honestly think it's the best photograph to the WhatsApp group. Brilliant though. I honestly think it's the best photograph that's ever been taken. Binti's face when you showed them

might be a better picture, but no. So there's a photo of Paul Blair. He's stood in the hallway of the hotel we're staying in, in Berlin. We'll slide it in here. He's got no shoes on. He's holding shoes that aren't his he's got a hat on that no one knows where it came from and he's literally blowing a fire extinguisher all over the fucking hallway it's fucking it was a big hotel wasn't it you got fucking 2000 2000 people evacuated from the hotel. Yeah, and there's a video, which we might be able to slide in,

of Paul and Davey outside the hotel. There's like four fire engines, and we're watching this, because they're just buzzing. They're still absolutely swathed. They're like, look at this, we've caused all this. Isn't this great? We've caused fucking murder.

And then we're, like, Binti was shitting himself. Also, the entire booking, because Paul Blair was the lead booker, he was the stag he was the best man who organised the whole thing, so it was all under his name and we were like, he's gonna get

kicked out the hotel, they're gonna kick the whole booking out with it, we're gonna get back to this place at 4 o'clock in the morning, we're not gonna have anywhere to stay and we might, like at one point we were talking about what if we get deported, what the fuck are we going to do because Germans don't fuck about do they

they really don't especially with all the fucking Nazi shit they were fucking they were fucking they're fucking strict no Jews no black people

no setting fires at the hotels we're very strict on all three things in this country that's going to be the no context I have a word

yeah and we got very very very lucky that apparently I think it's in all German hotels but definitely in that one there's no cameras

in the hallways so they couldn't tell who'd done it and he'd gone round and fucking gone round and fucking put fake footsteps everywhere didn't he

that's what the shoes are for that's what the shoes are for he walked footsteps into every single doorway he walked footsteps into each single doorway he walked footsteps into each door

so they didn't know where people had gone because there was loads of like fire extinguisher residue everywhere it looked like it had been fucking snowing he'd sprayed

like all over the I didn't know that until just a second the floor is powder and he put footsteps in the floor so it was like oh is it that room

no is it that all of the rooms have footsteps going into them that is fucking unbelievable to have that all of the rooms have footsteps going into them that is fucking unbelievable to have the presence

of mind to do that when you're as fucking gazeboed as they were oh iBeef is gonna be worse you know no but iBeef

it'll be good it'll be see I don't when I got there and he fucking put on a fake tan on me and shit like that

how old are you I'm 38 the naivety and put like the fucking the Lonsdale shit on me and all that I. How old are you now? I'm 38. Yeah. The naivety. But I got there and they put me a fake tan and put like the fucking Lonsdale shit on me and all that. You won't do that. I thought that was funny. Do you know what I mean?

I was like, that's all right. I'm not arsed. I don't mind looking fucking stupid. But like, it was just the fucking, there was the lack of anything to do. Yeah. Like, we didn't go, I was like,

oh, we could have gone fucking shooting guns or fucking driving tanks or some shit. Like proper stag do stuff. But we've got Ocean Beach, we've got a yacht party and or fucking driving tanks or some shit. Like proper stag do stuff. But we've got Ocean Beach. We've got a yacht party and shit like that. Did you realise that your bevvies are going to be like laced with poison and fucking arsenic and MDMA? I don't fucking do that.

I don't think Ibiza will be like that, you know. Do you not now? No, I think he'll have... You're both stupid. No, but Ibiza's not like that. If you make him look at cunts, it ruins our day because we can't go places. Yeah, you won't be able to get in nowhere.

So it's just fucking cutting our nose off? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're talking to me. I'm not going to do it. But I know who's coming. No, Blair knows Ibiza well enough to know you won't get in nowhere. Yeah, we've been to Ibiza with Blair before. He went on a stag do last year with fucking Alan Macher.

Nothing happened. He took the piss a little bit. I was in Ibiza. I went to Ibiza with Paul Blair about six or seven years ago. And we were in KFC at the end of the night. And we were just talking like yous are sat there. And he stood up without saying nothing. I went, where are you going?

He went, I'm going home. I went, yeah, we're going. I went, why are you going home? He went, I'm going home. I went, yeah, we're going. He went, why are you going home? He went, I can't see. And then just wandered off into the fucking mist and got home. I'd love to get Paul Blair on this podcast at some point because the stories I've got with him. My favourite one, which isn't like the worst thing he's ever done,

but it was so hysterically funny and I couldn't stop laughing to control it. We were on a night out and for some reason I was going to stay at his. We live in the same city. There's no fucking reason for me to stay in his house but I was, right? And we were drunk but he was more drunk than me.

It's about fucking six o'clock in the morning. We got in a black taxi in the Pearl City Centre and a fella goes, where are we going? And to the tune of Take Me to Church

by Hosea, he just kept saying, take me to Blair's! And I was so drunk i found it so funny and i i was screaming i was like lad stop it stop it stop it and then taxes have to go lad i'm gonna have to kick you out and maybe you don't tell me where to go he's like i told you lad take me to blaze and then i'd go again it was just fucking uncontrollable is i love him so much and he's the biggest pain in the arse in the world

when he's had two and a half pints but before he's had a pint or before he's sniffed a pint I'd trust him with my entire

fucking life savings he's getting a bit better now he's fucking grown up a little bit he's calmed down a little bit couple of kids yeah yeah he's on the craft ales now

isn't he can you imagine if he did drugs because like none of us none of us are drug people really apart from fucking Joe Rogan he's here fucking dmt man do you know i mean you've only just got none of us are like coke heads or fucking mdma or pill we're not none of it's weird isn't it because our entire friendship group is all like that like most friendship groups have at least someone who gets on the fucking bag do you know i mean but none of us do that

imagine if he was a fucking coke head he wouldn't last long doing that he's on the bed yeah he would you can't rap about people on coke nah

you can't he's a bit aggressive anyway yeah weren't he fucking I I because on the first tour

with Blair obviously we were it was a novelty so we were fucking going on those tours and doing these big shows and we were staying over everywhere and we'd fucking we'd just always end up out we'd always go for a curry before it which was fucking stupid but he insisted on it

so i was fucking dead sleepy before his show just had a fucking three course curry fucking two pints and then we'd get on it and we'd go out and fucking have loads of bevvies in there and there was only a couple of times that he was a nightmare but like me and callum realized the thing you've got to do callum oakley in a genius move because what what we've always tried to do with blair is you know when he gets us all riled up and we try and calm him down and that's not that you can't do it he won't yeah what you've got to do is point him at someone just let him go and whoever he's angry at and just start and back him up and just be like

and then he'll just calm down it's like a fucking wind up toy he's wound up he's gonna move so just point him that way and we were I won't name the place

but we were at a we were at a show fucking and we come out after it we went to the local comedy club oh I know the manager of the comedy club was fucking

was more was being more of a cunt I know he is as well and I've done that comedy club and that manager's show managed and I wanted to bang him mate he's a cunt he's a gobshite

so like he come in and he was dead nice to his face we were like oh yeah and he was dead nice to me he had got us all bevvies and we were like

he was like oh it's lovely to have you down here I was like oh nice one mate sat down drinking and then he was like oh I'd love to get you down I was like

mate I'd love to do this place and he went the thing is the owner said he doesn't really want the people you attract and I was like and Blair heard him so Blair went what have you just said and he went not thing is the owner said he doesn't really want the people you attract and I was like and Blair heard him

so Blair went what have you just said and he went not talking to you and put his hand in Blair's face and I went oh fucking hell

and George Zack sat in the middle you know lovely George just like going oh my god great comedian George Zack

I've got a fucking great story about George I'll tell that in a minute there's me and Callum sat there right and we're looking at it and I was like oh fucking hell

and he's like what did you do did you just put your fucking hand on my face he went don't put your hand on my face I'll knock you out he went I'm not

talking to you and then he said something about Blair being bald or going bald and I was like oh it's game over this right

he is going bald though he's fighting it though recido he's definitely going to Turkey the same place I got my teeth he's starting to do

a comb over from the back isn't he he's going to Turkey the same place I got my teeth he's starting to do a comb over from the back isn't he he's going to swap me so I went and got someone to calm it down and the guy come over and it all got calmed down I was like sound

and then the fella come over and apologised he was like I'm really sorry about that and I was like you pissed me he did sound everyone gets pissed and does stupid shit

I was willing to let it go and then he just went but he's a cunt, right? And Blair, he's a big lad, Blair. He's strong, do you know what I mean? He flew at him. Some poor waiter got in the middle and fucking Blair just grabbed him one hand

and just picked him up against the wall, right? And I was like, so we're dragging him away. And this lad ran out like a shithouse, right? Oakley, like a fucking genius, went outside, followed the kid, was giving him loads of shit, right? And he's like fuck off get your mate out here he went

well I'll go and get him Oakley come back in and went hey Blair come this way walked around the corner there he is there Blair went over and I've never seen

like I wasn't sure what was going to happen because I've never really seen like although he gets into the situations it always kind of gets calmed down someone's always there

to stop it and we just went go ahead and he just walked over and I thought he's going to bang him. And we just went, go ahead. And he just walked over. And I thought, he's going to bang him here. And he just went, and the lad said, anyway, he's saying something, yeah, anyway, yeah. And he just went, and clotheslined him like he was in the W.

Out of nowhere! And the lad went down. And I was so ready. I was like, oh, it's going off. It's going off like that. And Blair got over him and went to fuck it. It was like, he went to hit him. And the lad, the fella started crying, right? And he was like,. And Blair got over him and went to fuck it. It was like, he went to hit him.

And the lad, the fella started crying, right? And he was like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And I was like, even Blair went, oh. And he just went, don't ever fucking talk to me like that again. Slapped him. Started slapping him in the street. Is there anything more emasculating than getting slapped?

Because a slap is just, if I punch you, I'll feel i'm bullying you so i'm gonna slap you instead the worst thing was right as i was because obviously he's a scouser and in the middle of where we were we weren't in liverpool yeah shouting that obviously a need to go fucking slapping him and shit i thought someone's gonna get involved here so i was stood by blare in case anyone fucking like tried to get involved and people were walking past just looking right and then fucking i I was like, he slapped them everywhere, right? And I went, all right, that's enough, that's enough. I kind of got Blair off.

And Blair's laughing his head off at this point, right? He's laughing and slapping him, right? Laughing his head off, right? I'm laughing. I went, all right, that's enough, that's enough. And the fella stood up and went, I'll fucking kill him. And I went, mate.

I went, I'm stood'm studying you're a rat I went if I let him go again he's not going to slap you this time and the lad went but the best thing was I didn't we end up

I was and Blair was in a great mood after that he was in a lovely mood we were having a dead nice night and this fella kept sending me and Oakley videos going

I'm in this car park tell your mate to come down I'll fucking kill him and I was like oh for fuck's sake that's fantastic I'm going to save my George Tell your mate to come down and I'll fucking kill him. And I was like, oh, for fuck's sake. That's fantastic. I'm going to save me George Zack's story for when George Zack's on.

I think after that story, we should probably have a break. We should show the video of that woman with the candle at this bit. We should have a little advert. We'll be back in a minute with our guest today.

Me and Paul will be welcoming the comedy icon, Canadian legend, all the way from Canada, Glenn Wool. Until then, which for you will be in about 20 seconds or a minute or whatever. I don't know what advert's going here. I'll feed the same pet. Order, order, order.

Like John Bercow says, if you'd like to order some merchandise, get to haveawordpod.com. For the old motherfuckers order some merchandise Get to haveawordpod.com For the old motherfuckers That's www.haveawordpod.com Get yourself some t-shirts, hoodies Support the podcast There's loads of other stuff up there

Go and have a look at the website Haveawordpod.com Thank you Oh Aya What? I'm just saying Aya You're saying Aya

What's that good in there? Say Aya Cool Welcome back Hope you enjoyed the adverts. Oh, someone's ringing me. Answer. Would it be funny to answer?

Who is it? I don't know. Hello? Can I speak to her? Just leave it on the doorstep, please, mate. Could you just leave it with the neighbour, please, mate? If you give the neighbour a knock, then, yeah, leave it with... doorstep please could you just leave it with the neighbour please mate if you give the neighbour a knock then yeah leave it with

the one right next door the one who's like part of your yeah thanks mate cheers bye that's me cock cream I have to get it from Amazon because you can't get it in a pharmacy over here what is it? it's penis cream

yeah absolutely yeah welcome back to the half a word podcast because you can't get it in a pharmacy over here. What is it? It's penis cream. Is it bigger? Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Welcome back to the Half a Word podcast. They don't sell them in tubes that small. People just steal them. It's so tiny. I'm having a panic attack.

We are joined by comedy icon, Glenn Wool. Hello. A fantastic comic. Just before we start the bullshit that is this podcast, you've got an album that came out today, so by the time this episode goes out, it'll be out for a few days. Yeah. What is it and where can they get it?

It's called Viva Forever. It's available on all platforms. All of them? Well, I mean, probably not. VHS. It's called Viva Forever. It's available on all platforms. All of them? Well, I mean, probably not. VHS? VHS. Yes. Only on ATRA.

Yeah. It's only Australian cover comedians are the only way you can see it. All platforms. It's on everything. It's on Babestation. It's on everything it's on babe station it's on vhs i took a trip down memory lane last night i was in a hotel that had babe station wonderful did you know couldn't no it's all changed it's like i could see she was probably pretty before the doctor got there. It's not the same money it was, wasn't it? It's not attached to the same level.

She was doing a thing where she was lying, and then it was sort of like a full-body twerk. Like she was just lying flat and then just sort of jiggling herself, but it just looked like she was being poked with a stick. Anaphylactic shock. More like a cop going, yeah, that's her.

Get the ambulance. Well, no, just get the morgue car down here. What was her name? Do you remember? Oh, no, I didn't. I didn't go that deep into it. I put Babestation on recently, and there was a girl just called Louise,

and I feel like they used to have a much bigger imagination than that. They used to at least hide their... There's only so many stripper names, though, isn't there? And then you're going to have to just... No, there isn't. Because you could just get more and more. There's the hack ones, there's Destiny. I think the problem is that people are using those as actual names now.

Since the Christian names have kind of gone... That's why they have to have these exotic... Oh, Margaret! names of kind of God. That's why they have these exotic Margaret. In about 20 years, all the shippers will be called Mary. And how do you pronounce that? Seven X's somewhere. My real name, I don't tell anyone else

this, is Fuckbucket bucket i call myself louise to protect myself from creepy guys like everyone else in here oh why so where have you been staying because you came up last night uh it was a weird hotel called uh well it it's a nice hotel, but it's called the Nui, Nulum or the N-U-I, which is, that's where me and the cab driver just started having a laugh. I don't think English was his first language, so whenever you have to start spelling things, he didn't have the best grip on it as

the new loom uh you all right a little uh good thing you got a cap the new loom are you saying that backwards no and then they did this weird thing they didn't give me an address it came on a little map so I even looked more pathetic like I'm not allowed to know the address it is here

did you have the neck scarf on at the time because that does look like you've lost your horse and wandered into a taxi I think he thought it was a dribble bib more than anything else. Oh, that's nice. She's been out and had a meal and everything. That's great. And now

Noodle-oo-loo-loo-loo. Noodle-oo-loo-loo-loo. Do you have an address? I have pictures of it. From 1840. They're not real happy with me having coordinates. For some reason, I haven't even really figured it out. Oh, where do you live? I live in Essex.

I live in Finchingfield, a tiny little village. That sounds beautiful. It is until the weekends, and then motorbike assholes come in and fuck it. Is that a band? Yeah. They should be bands. That's the stripper's real name. Oh, I remember.

I saw motorbike assholes dance. This was before the accident, so she could really get up the pole. Do you know that's a thing, isn't it? There's a lot of talk, especially within our industry, about a need for diversity, and in the media world in general, but no one's talking about diversity in stripper, and I think we need more disabled strippers.

I've never been to a strip club and there's been a stripper in a wheelchair. Last time I went to strippers, you had a tail. A what? A tail. Well, we all have a story. I found it went to strip she had a tail. A what? A tail. Well we all have a story. I found it interesting at first. Like a butt plug? No a tail. You know like a coccyx.

Yeah. She had like a little bone sticking out. Like a Oh shit. Yeah. Wagged. It wagged. Yeah.

Well you should You should have tipped her more You know you haven't given her enough I stuck a fiver under the tail She rattled Scuttled away into the wall That's like That's not a proper disability is it

Do you know what I mean She wants to park No she wants to park as close toalympics with that no she wants to park as close to Asda as possible without actually having an impaired life like that's not

that's not a day to day problem maybe it's a super ability rather than a disability maybe it actually makes you better balanced exactly that's why she's

a good stripper yeah but I'm talking like there should be like she can use a tail on the pole and a and a leg swing that would be how big was this thing?

Because in my head, I'm just seeing a fucking nugget. It was bigger than your dick. It was bigger than my dick. Three inches. Now we know who stole the cream. Might have been a dick, actually, now that I'm thinking of it. Maybe it was a guy Did she tell you

This is my tail No She didn't mention it Yeah How do you know She hasn't just Because I seen it And it came out

And a friend of mine Who'd just been in And had a dance with me Who didn't think It was fucking relevant To tell me she had a tail Before I went And had a dance with her

As I came back I was like And he went Did you see her tail I went Are you sure She hadn't just like Slipped a disc earlier that night

and needed the money? No, it was right at the bottom of it. It was a little, where you get the bum crack there, and there's that little boop. Yeah. That was like. Is this, Kyle, can you Google that? Do people have tails sometimes?

Have you ever heard of this? Yeah, I think we do have the ability to have a tail, but I think it's the same way I think we can grow feathers if you monkey it enough hang on feathered monkeys? you've not seen the Wizard of Oz? I actually don't think

I have haven't you? I think so is it good? what a world so when you're an embryo you've got a tail. And then in rare cases, the coccyx can become a tail, but it's usually removed at birth.

This one wasn't. No. She didn't get removed at birth. Fantastic. Yeah, well, I mean, let's be honest, she probably didn't have great parents. What are you suggesting, Glenmore? Well, I'm just, look where she's come into our lives at. A tailed stripper.

Yeah. I know a stripper, and she's like so, she owns what she does so much. She's like, no, like if I, because she's like a straight-A student, and she's got a degree, and she was was like i earned so much at uni doing this that i've just never bothered going into the career i wanted because i'm earning like two grand a week it's fucking unbelievable i'd have only fans all day i would i'm so close to setting up an only fans anyway i got only fans

of the week to be on it i had a ginger only fans no I'm jokingly I kept getting tagged in this like all ginger full-throated nude fucking calendar called red hot cocks right and I got tagged in like 150 times

in the space of a couple of days so as a joke I put like a naked picture you come in and I put a comically large

fucking blackout to my penis like I had a massive dick and I said it was an ambitious mark yeah yeah

and then I tagged them in a go and I think you should put me in the thing and they messaged me saying you haven't made the calendar this time unfortunately but we do have an OnlyFans and we'd love you to be involved in the OnlyFans and any tips you get will be yours and I was like nah I don't think so

I'm alright was your missus fuming with that? no since you asked what she done I did and I'll tell you how I seen it. So me and Paul go to the same barber. We, we, we used to live quite close to each other in Liverpool.

He's moved far away now, but he still comes to my barbers. Yeah. Our barbers, because the lads in there are just dead sound. Once you get a good one. Yeah. Yeah.

That also just reprobates the barbers that we go to. They're just dead. Like, I feel like the least funny person in the room as a professional comic when I'm sat there and just watching them. Like, the day Joe, who runs it, his dog had died,

and they were just taking the... Like, every joke, every sentence out of their mouth was a dead dog joke. And I was like, this is so like being in a fucking green room. It's unbelievable. It's a live WhatsApp group, isn't it?

But I'm sat there there and he was like do you see that fucking picture paul smith put up yesterday so paul had put a completely naked selfie a mirror selfie on instagram but he'd put a rather ambitious black mark to cover his penis right um and he i went yeah yeah i seen it he's like what the fuck is he doing now see what his beard done and i hadn't seen what your missus had done his missus put a reply to this picture which was her bent over

in front of a mirror with a gingerbread man covering her arsehole yeah she's got a good arse as well and I went to the barber oh that's because he showed me

and he went do you want me to send you that I was like absolutely not I can't have that on my phone and be scrolling through and Paul be like have you got a picture

of me beard's arsehole on your phone Rob Thomas sent it to me straight away well Anthony the barber sent me a five times on Instagram he's like lad

every time you delete it it'll tell me you've deleted it and I'll keep sending you it again and again and again yeah I think he was just trying to get the gingerbread thing off the worst thing is

we both got shouted at by a 15 year old daughter proper like kicked off on the pair of us why? because we them naked pictures because all her mates follow her mum

yeah not good that is your ma gets her arse out on instagram it's quite the slammer she's got a 15 and a 14 year old son imagine going in and your 14 year old son

is going into school and they're all all your mates are just looking at your ma's arse I'm trying to imagine a scenario where my mother would have died close to that. That would have to have been

the strangest accident at the bake sale that had ever taken place. Just to have it so somebody was able to take a Polaroid at the exact moment that my mother's pants had fallen down.

I'm going to copy it. You're kind of handed it out by the barber. Every time you screw it up he gives you another one. That's got to be a problem that no one's really thinking about isn't it?

Because like these days a lot of girls uh are quite aggressive sexually and like they like like the girls i've certainly come across recently uh are quite open to like being filmed and stuff and at some point like a little iphone like a little iphone like little blowjob film or you know set the camera up and do like i've had girls ask me to do that in the past to blow them huh to blow them yes they have really big clits if they say the gales the gales they have their tails on their front. This is my tail. But there's a leak coming. Like, I live in fear.

I only really make the jokes I want to make on WhatsApp because it's end-to-end encrypted, and WhatsApp's very difficult to hack. But, like, Facebook and the cloud, like the Apple iPhone cloud, at some point that's gonna get hacked and leaked and there's gonna be

a lot of fucking mums who are on the internet sucking dick and their kids are gonna have to go to school do you know what I mean

that's coming and I just can't imagine if there's 2 billion mums online sucking dick you're never gonna get through them all no but you'll find the

ones in your school no but it's not about finding yours it's about your mates finding yours no I mean like the ones you wanna find how are you gonna find them because in your school. No, but it's not about finding yours. It's about your mates finding yours. No, I mean like the ones you want to find.

How are you going to find them? Because it'll be leaked in a way that the people in your life find it. Do you not think about stuff like this? I'm like obsessed with it. I think most guys do a pretty good job of trying to get through them all. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. There's a guy comes by with an arm like Popeye. Founder. Took a while.

One strung down, the rest of them's just hollow. Dragging himself with his masterful, powerful arm. This guy's the best in the business. If you want something found, he'll find it. Hey, come here. Looks like one of those glasses like this thick.

Remember those piggy banks where the hand would just come out and take the coin? That's how you pay him oh I've gone dizzy from laughing I live in fear don't worry about that though

there's so like if someone found my conversations with Carl so erm Carl's,

like, he's our producer here. He's worked at Baby Blue and Hot Water. You've probably met a couple of times before, but we've been best mates since we were

16, 17. We've got a decade plus of horrendous messages that I'm very, very worried at some point. Like, we'd be in prison. It wouldn't be like

career over it would be a federal crime i bet you it's kept a lot of people's girlfriends unfucked by their buddies just knowing like oh i can't him over he's got a lot of as much as i would let we're drunk's on, she's coming on to me. Nope, I'm a good man. My terrible behavior has actually could be used against me. So I'm a gentleman in that sense. You're not worried about anything?

You're not saying anything? You're quite timid. I've said some horrible shit. Yeah, but you're not the worst, are you? No, no. Yeah. And like, we're in a whatsapp group with Freddie Quinn Danny McLaughlin

and Paul Blair and I reckon Danny says the least because I think he protects himself more and then it's you and then

then it's probably me actually and then Freddie and Paul Blair is like the offensive Olympics and they're just trying to say the most fucked up shit the amount of comics who would be upset if they see Paul Blair is like the offensive Olympics and they're just trying to say the most fucked up shit.

The amount of comics who would be upset if they see what gets said in that group. Wow, the amount of comics he does. He knows who I am. Did he mention anything about dates when he called me a hack? He knows it's derivative

it's good right people like it is that what he said effective shite there's so many comics that are effective shite everyone knows

whatsapp groups I think everyone understands it I think that's the worst one of the worst things you can do to someone is screenshot the whatsapp group if someone screenshot you should be outcast everyone understands it. Yeah, I think that's the worst, one of the worst things you can do to someone is like screenshot

the WhatsApp group. If someone screenshot, you should be like fucking, you should be outcast from society. If anyone from that group screenshots something and sends it outside the group,

I think, I think the rest of us could like beat them to within an inch of their life. And then if everyone else in the world find out what happened,

we'd still be seen as the good guys. Yeah. They'd be like, oh, what, they did what they screenshotted the whatsapp conversation yeah that's it's did you see what happened to the guy he played in the nhl right up until lockdown but he was like a it was good offensively but he was

bouncing from team to team so there's obviously some issue locker room and somebody screenshotted his whatsapp groups and it was all it was all about like it wasn't it wasn't illegal well the coke was illegal he was talking about where i had the best coke but then he was he was talking about players wives and one of them had just had a baby and he's like oh fucking shamu over and he was just uh he was cut from his team that he was playing for and now he's coming to europe to see i don't think that's fair because i know very little about hockey but what i do know is that it seems like a coked up sport yes it is let's get on the ice with razor blades on our feet and if we don't like something the other team does, we'll fight about it.

You don't even get set. You get just put in and out. Come and sit over there for a bit. You just knock someone out. And then you can come back. Just go in that little cubicle. Do whatever you need to do. Okay, I'm ready to play.

Who else wants to play? I'm probably the best fighter that's ever played this game. It's arguable, but I'll argue with you. You want to argue? Is it true that hockey teams have like a fighter guy

and they send them to fight the other fighter guy? Not so much anymore, but in the 70s and 80s it's like three or four of them it was really getting out of hand were they called like the enforcer or something yeah enforcers policemen they they preferred policemen but for us everybody else in the crowd called them goons and you get some of them now doing like documentaries and like that is the toughest way to make a living in sports and uh they're they're they're not they're not all there and they're just like the goon we don't like that word. I like them being oppressed. Well, I, for one, I'm shocked that the men who hit each other

with hockey sticks are not the brightest people in the world. That is such a shock to me. The little ones who are good at it, they tend to keep their brains because they have these big guys that it's almost like they're like

diplomats with a military wing so yeah but it that's that's all changing too yeah and a lot of it has to do with the young guys just don't want to fight anymore you know because they they're they're making so much money and you can really break your hand easy. It's arguable whether or not it actually does shift the game anymore, especially now that there's no crowds in the stands. They sound like barbecue fights almost. They're scuffling.

It's a Sunday afternoon christening that's got slightly Out of hand I love watching the UFC And I prefer it now There's no crowds And you can properly Meat slap and meat Just like Those kicks Going in and stuff like that

No it's not better Without the crowd I love it No because with the crowds You just get the All the numbers going Woo Yeah but it's well better

Fussy without the crowds It's shite Yeah Well it's not shite But it's just not as good I think they've really lost an opportunity to have it on like rooftops or alleys like just now that there's no crowds like just anyway like supermarket fight

one of them gets a trolley like a flash mob like Just a different... You can just select the room you want. Just have it in a green screen. Yeah. And you can go on the red button and say, I want him in Asda. I want him in B&Q. I'm talking to someone and in Russia,

they fucking just take MMA mad, don't they? They have fights in full suits of armor with swords and shit. Five on five MMA. Amazing. No. Mate, I'll show you. Full suits of armor with swords and shit five on five mma amazing no mate i'll show you the full suits of armor full suits of five on five five aside mma no they have five on five normal mma and it's amazing because once one goes down it's fucking dominoes mate it's just that team's dead because then you end up with one guy fighting four people just swinging it's fucking class i mean it's audible though at the same time.

But in the same way as you get sent a fucking video of a street fight and you're like, oh, I don't want to watch this. But then you sit there watching it. Watching one fella just punch the fuck out of about six people. I don't watch any video that's put in our WhatsApp group unless it's like a comedian on stage or a comedian self. Because then I know it's just someone having a mental breakdown. I don't know what it is

because whenever it's something like that, Paul Blair's put it in and he's being sent it by Davey Ash because he sends it to me at the same time and I'm like,

I'm not watching it because it's definitely someone getting shot, run over, or fucking beaten half to death. Yeah. I've never recovered

from that video of the woman getting bummed to death by a horse. That was the offside line for me. A woman got bummed by a horse and then i found out like two weeks later she died because the horse's dick was too big

and the one of the fella shagging the goat i haven't seen that one the goat was in like missionary position the goat's in the missionary position it's like a little it's like in a forest in peru it's fucking horrendous has he got a gopro on how's it filmed someone's behind them filming him but they're waiting for a go but does the goat enjoy it i can't decide whether i'm against it until i know how the goat feels about it it's it's a donkey in it it's it's some kind of mule yeah so you don't have to pull out because they can't get pregnant in it? It's some kind of mule. So you don't have to pull out because they can't get pregnant.

Imagine it did. Could a human get a mule pregnant? No, I've tried this in many different ways. So many disappointments. Straight into the end of the... She's come on again.

Do you know what a mule is? Got her IVF and everything. Is it a male donkey? Donkey and a horse. Oh, is it? It's infertile. It's just a thing. It just exists as itself.

Right, okay. So can... There's no mule babies? No. No, mules can't... They can't... That's what I was saying. Yeah, that's why you said it. It, okay. So there's no meal babies? No. No, mules can't. They can't. That's what I was saying.

Yeah, that's why you said it's factual. Yeah. Right. This is all about science now. So, but can

humans get any other animal pregnant? Is it possible? Well, you've done the research. I've only fucked.

Because I'm genuinely interested. apparently the best fuck is like a stingray though why because it's it's anatomically the closest to a woman it's a feeling of a woman when you say apparently apparent according to who according to steve irwin he actually died of ch when? He actually died of C-AIDS. He raped that sting by his wife.

Yeah, you should hear that story from the stingray community. That was a justifying comment it was a crime of passion oh god I genuinely I didn't know whether humans

I thought we could cross only with like so that we'd be that close apparently we'd cross with Neanderthals didn't we you could fuck a Neanderthals didn't we? You could fuck a Neanderthal if there was any left. That's why I did. That's the thing. Oh you mean like

an actual Neanderthal and not just like a fucking idiot from Coventry? I mean if you fuck one of them you'd probably get them pregnant. Could we fuck a monkey? Could I get a monkey pregnant? Just say it.

Just tell him. Stop making I'm trying to make it subtle and you're making it it's not subtle because we just don't know what you do it looks like you're trying

to land a fucking plane if I do that pull the mic up alright from now on sorry but I'm not looking at you sorry

sorry sensei Carl can I open oh coax it where did you get that from coffee oh shit yeah

let's have a little word from a sponsor and I'm gonna google whether we can fuck animals on her you're gonna get a

you're gonna get quite an image if you do that can I get an animal pregnant can you imagine did you tell the sponsor that I was gonna be

the lead in the sponsor I wanna be to be the lead in? I want to be right after the animal, but we'll put you right in the middle of the animal fucking bed, okay? When the sponsor's manscaped as well. No, it's one of those adopt a donkey. This little guy's been forced to. This guy's been ridden up and down. So when you adopt these donkeys, do you, like, own them?

Do whatever you want. Like, when does the donkey get here? Okay. And it's really tired, so it's not kicky or anything. Okay. 30 bucks? Sure. And now a word from the RSPCA.

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So go to manscaped.com and apply the code WORD, that's W-O-R-D, when you check out and your balls are going to be thanking you. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code WORD at manscaped.com. Two mics, two leads and a lot of time on their hands this is have a word oh so boys it's quite weird because normally dan nightingale does all the prep for these episodes and i just turn up and he reads it out but i've had to do it today it's been quite nice so i've got a couple of little uh would you rathers for you. So very basic. Just one thing or another. Got a few that we've done on the podcast before that, you know, I want to, like, now that Dan's not here,

I want to get some new perspectives on. Got a brand new one from a listener. And then we've got a have a word for in a little bit of time. Now, do you want to start with the new one or the classics? Do the new one. Do the new one first. Glenn Fresh. For both ears. Okay. Come to you first, Glenn. start with the new one or the classics do the new one do the new one first going fresh for both years

okay come to you first glenn would you rather for the rest of your career exclusively perform and absolutely kill in good size packed out rooms full of bnp slash edl types but you'd have to adjust your material accordingly for that or for for the rest of your career, exclusively perform Zoom gigs where you can't see or hear the audience. You will earn the same money and level of fame in both scenarios. Peace out, cunts from Craig in Glasgow. So racist comedy or Zoom comedy? What are you doing?

I'm going to be a racist. You're going to be a racist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. a racist you're gonna be a racist yeah yeah yeah i think it's just you're asking will i perform to fuller rooms will those guys bring their mates what what size rooms we we talking about here is there any

sort of like clientele that you would completely not work for do you know what I mean like you're you consider yourself quite left wing right would you perform for the right amount of money at the Tory party conference no no

well what do you mean the right amount of money? Quarter of a million pounds. Yeah. I suppose if you... Because if anyone said what the fuck are you doing you're sorry I'd go a quarter of a million pounds.

That's what I'm doing. And I'll donate 50 grand of it to the Labour Party. But also it depends on the parameters of the show. If they said, oh, you can't talk about this or that, but if they're like, yeah, we want to be roasted. We've seen the roasts on TV.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just wait. So, let's play a game. I want you to roast Glenn as if he is a Tory front bench. Oh, no, I'm not good at this. Okay, well, we'll just edit that out. Thank God. I was going to be like...

I had no idea. I'm glad you're not good at this. It's your whole career. What are you talking about? It's your whole career what you're talking about. It's not, though. Maybe he means specifically pretending I'm a Tory. I've tried.

I just can't see that man as a Tory. Okay? He's got a red neck and she's fucking... It's the most communist thing I've ever seen in my life. A red neck scarf are you any good at impressions?

no sometimes if I do them in conversation sometimes I get it like boom but then other times it's like is that a Welshman?

no it's Bill Cosby. So it keeps him out of... Don't even speak to him. Yeah. Is that a Welsh rapist? Just drink your drink. Just drink your drink drink your drink was that a Welshman?

so it keeps in mind I don't ever really try to do them in my show which you know with the way that they've gone back forensically through everybody's act since 1982 and said, see, you're doing an accent there.

That's cultural appropriation. One of my favourite, I'm not going to ask you to do it because you might get in trouble now, obviously, as you just said. I remember watching you when I first started watching you. You used to do a bit about working in a Chinese restaurant. Ah, yes. And it was absolutely fucking fantastic.

I'm not gonna lie i have a little weird like i have mad affectations me mrs thinks it's hilarious that like i'll sing little snippets of songs or i'll say little i think it's like it's not Tourette's but it's like kind of i'll just constantly do these if i'm on my own or if i'm walking around the house i just whistle and say little things to myself and you saying your name in chinese is one of the things i say all of the time can we just can we just put the car in park for a minute because both me carl and the the 15 000 people who download this need some fucking context it's not it's not great I'll be honest it won't be the first time someone's done a Chinese accent on this podcast

it was three episodes before we found out that he wasn't in fact from Beijing okay here's what I'll say about the China bit it is quite a lengthy bit and I will Okay, here's what I'll say about the China bit. It is quite a lengthy bit, and I will still stand behind it, although I wouldn't perform it the same way I do now. But it was a bit about how al-Qaeda fights the West because they're like, oh, you're trying to stop our religion.

Totally glossing over the fact that Islam is illegal in China and that they should be fighting China. Like, we're actually quite nice to them, as opposed... And it went on to this long bit about how if they even tried any of this shit against China, they'd end up in concentration camps. Well, what happened? Like, people can get mad at that bit. Like, yeah, that bit where you predicted the future?

That was totally... That was totally... Now, accents were done. Accents were done. But it was over. It starts with me saying, the reason China hates Google so much, it's not freedom of information, it's making something we can say.

And then I offered to name it Cinnamon. Not that one either. It came in, and then you sort of, I would take it back and go, I realize that some people will think that that's inappropriate to say things, but I come by that honestly. I'm from Vancouver. I grew up surrounded by Chinese people. I worked in a Chinese restaurant where every day

the owner of that building would try to say the name Glenn Wolf. of that building would try to say the name Glenn Wolf. And every day would fail quite miserably. I heard a lot of gay woo. And I had to turn to my boss and say, no, Larry.

That's not how you say it. I wonder quietly to myself why a man who got to choose his western name knowing full well he could not pronounce L's or R's would pick the name Larry. It's more than half. I thought you people were good at math Very very good

And when I did it on Comedy store That's when it's on TV and I'm sure they've probably That's right I had that recorded I used to watch it religiously On the Comedy Central at the Comedy store, yeah, they're live at the store you see what they do though there was two Chinese people in the crowd

and any time it got even close to the edge they put it on, laughing away, in the exact same way every time, in a way they laugh just the same way every time she always slaps her leg three times in a way oh they laugh just the same way every time it's funny how that works in it when you start talking about a certain subject and if there's

someone in the crowd or who seems like they are part of the joke the rest of the crowd do sort of have a check to make like and also so i had a bit in my last show that i've i've now sort of been because i've i've put it online in a in a little special i put out which is about how we don't trust muslims in this country because they don't drink and the reason i can back that up is you know irish people did a lot of terrorism and we got over that quite quickly because they like a drink and i was doing it i'd done it like for three shows at the store and then the late show on the saturday night in london the front two rows on the side were just like guys in full dish dash like muslim brotherhood guys and i think it was who was comparing i think it was sally and haywood maybe or she was on and she was like you're not gonna be able to do that bit because

and i was like well if i can't do it when they're there, then I shouldn't be doing it at all. And I did it, and you'd literally see 400 people at the comedy store go, okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, it's a weird thing when people just make assumptions for a group, like, oh, you couldn't really speak about them in public.

Just like everybody hates to be talked about and joined in. Yeah, I mean, they're not the kind of Muslims that would be angry about stuff. They're at the comedy store. At like 1 o'clock in the morning. Not the early show, not Thursday. It's tomorrow on Saturday night. If it was Speaker's Corner, I would say maybe don't go heavy. Yeah, I was at Speaker's Corner, I would say maybe don't go heavy.

Yeah, I was at Speaker's Corner once, and I'd never, like, I'd unbelievable. And I ended up seeing them on a documentary. These were bad dudes. What's Speaker's Corner? I don't know what it is. It's at Hyde Park. It's a British tradition. I believe it's back to the 1800s,

where there's a place in Hyde Park where every Sunday you can go and say whatever the fuck you want. And people take little soapboxes and, like, it's... Have I never been here? That sounds cool. I didn't even know it existed. It was the first internet. You know, it was Twitter live.

I want to go there now and just see a lot of horrible seedy porn. Is that girl going to tail? I want to go and see a football badge call me a cunt. An unfunny, fat, cock-eyed cunt from an Everton badge. I think it's great that two guys from Liverpool

hadn't even heard of Speaker's Corner. It's just in your head like, oh, you can just say whatever the fuck you want anyway. Why do you have to go

all the way to London to do that? Yeah. Sounds like Liverpool in London. Did a scouser build this whose idea was it there should be one of them in liverpool though it's hot water comedy club i do love out that's one of my favorite things about hot water there's been obviously you were

there last weekend and i popped down to see both and whatever and um what i love about paul the owner is uh when a comic has because they've had so many videos go viral and the a lot of the comics that are regularly booked they're like you know i've said some shit on stage that if you take it out of context at least could be taken one way there freddie quinn is like there's one routine that we won't talk about on here but he got in trouble for a bit and i do love how a lot of comedy clubs in this day and age are like well you know like we're gonna remove the video and like we're really sorry and whatever but paul hot water is just like it's a fucking joke shut the fuck up we stand behind our comic like he's he's sort of like yeah well literally every time you write a nasty comment or say that this should be taken down you're actually pushing our video up

the algorithm it's actually a really good thing for us it's more traffic i do love how he stands behind the comics if you'll excuse me we're just about to sell out the third show of the day so um i have to tell you to fuck off because you're making my fingers tired and i need those for the accounting of all the money that i'm making right now. I need to type into the till. So, so you'd go BNP? I'm just not doing a Zoom gig. Yeah, I'll go BNP. Yeah, I can't, yeah.

Just for my own, like, I think it'd be a selfish move, but yeah, just for my own, like, I need to, if I could never be in selfish move, but yeah, just for my own... If I could never be in front of an audience again, I'd be fucking devastated. Yeah, well, Zoom gigs are just methadone, aren't they? Shit, aren't they?

They're joy and death. Also... Paracetamol. Yeah. You could also make the argument that you haven't agreed to where those people are going to end their lives being. So if you were able to present them with good comedy and a nice environment, maybe they wouldn't feel so much hate.

You'd be able to lead them into a nicer existence. Cut that bit out. Jesus Christ, I didn't know he was gay when he came in. God damn room. So. I was listening to a podcast on the way here. And it was, it's about sports stars and how they died. What's it called?

Death of a yeah Death of a Sports Star and they did Justin Fasciano and

it's heavy that I know yeah and it was yeah it was really sad and you saw like I mean

I just made like a little gay joke there, but, you know, it made me think back to all the times, like in the 90s, that I was flippant and just thinking, you know, these all add up. And introspectively, I felt bad based on, you know, just small behaviors and wanting to, you know, change that in myself.

And then it got right down to the end. And it was a British podcast too. Then they're given the credits for everybody who had done this part. And one of the, the guy who wrote it, his name was Ben Ders. They just at the end went, this was written by Benders. Could you have not said Benjamin? Help us out, come on! It's a heartwarming story! It's made me change who I am! Just add two syllables! Exactly! Now I've got to giggle and tell it on a podcast! So who was this and how did he die? Who is it? Justin Fashner. so who was this and how did he die who is it John Fashtew

yeah came out as gay didn't he and he got disowned and stuff John Fashtew tried to pay him to not come out

oh wow and then he came out and then he faced a lot of fucking did he give him his money back no yeah

then he deserved it you can't take the quiet money Then he deserved it. You can't take the quiet money. They said it was suicide. But yeah, he likes to write his notes. We're back, baby! He likes to write his notes in John's handwriting. Signed it, John crossed out,

Justin. J-O, no, just an O crossed out. Yeah, he wrote a check to his brother and killed himself. Yeah, that's his will. Yeah, he wrote a suicide note on the back of his check.

It's quite fantastic that the last episode of this that we put out was a mental health special. And this is how we follow it up. Right, got three more would-you-rathers. One of them is another new one actually devised by our own Carl over there. Let's start with that one. Stupid as fuck. Would you rather your fingers be the size of your legs

or your legs be the size of your fingers? Ooh. Are you up? What's this? Trying to figure out the logistics of if I had... Because you couldn't... You could only have... You couldn't get five legs on your hand, could you?

Well, then your hand would grow with it. Yeah, I'd have five leg fingers then. Would it... Then could you lift it? Would your arm be strong enough to lift it? It would adapt, wouldn't it? I've got to be honest. Yeah, you are looking more into this question than I am.

Yeah, because you could just go, fuck off. Also... I know how good a footier you'd be. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Could you... They say that you did that with your hand. I think you'll find I did that with one of my legs.

No, because they're still fingers. They're just the size of your legs. Yeah, they're not legs. Have they got the same joints? They're fingers.

Okay, so there's not little legs. Yeah, because if you could go around like a spider on them. Imagine you're fucking like the Hulk. Oh, yeah.

You'd fucking murder having a wank to, wouldn't you? Not for me Finally Oh it's been a long time Coming Fucking hell

For years I've been like this You see Glenn He's so relaxed now Since he got that weird hand Yeah You can actually have a conversation with him. Shouty, on edge all the time before. So you want the big hands?

I'd have the big hands, yeah. It does seem like the easy answer, that, doesn't it? Because walking around with, like, fucking... You've got your finger legs. Like, two-inch legs. Yeah, yeah, it'd be like a little... Your party trick that'd get you out dancing on the table. Yeah, you'd be on TikTok a lot, wouldn't you?

Well, until Monday. Boy, you'd be disappointed. What? You're going to be in it? TikTok has been banned in the US. Has it? As of Monday. They can't make you delete it off your phone,

but you can't download any more updates or anything. And no one can download it. If you delete it off your phone but you can't download any more updates or anything and like no one can read no one can download if you delete it off your phone you'll never be able to get it back

in America it's gone and like I know it is a sort of tinfoil hatchet but TikTok is leaking information to the Chinese government like the Chinese government

stopped TikTok being sold to an American company because they were like no no no no no no no no you can't you can't have our thing because then you'll see exactly what the inside of it looks like

and that won't be good for international relations. But also the thing here that nobody really questions, because I've been to China and you cannot use Facebook or Twitter in China for the exact same reason. So people are like,

oh, we've got the Chinese, we are up to their tricks. It's like, what do you think Facebook and Twitter are? Oh, oh just things just funny things and i don't think the government's using for any evil what are you talking about i'm so naive i was just like china don't let you use facebook or twitter aren't they cut aren't they controlling twats i'm a fucking idiot oh so would you rather this goes back fucking idiot. So, would you rather... This goes back to the accent thing, actually.

Would you rather have to constantly speak in a stereotypical Nigerian accent without ever being able to explain why? Or you have to sing at the top of your voice every time you attend a wedding or a funeral throughout the service without explaining it and you can't just decline to attend them either. So every time you get invited to a wedding or a funeral throughout the service without explaining it and you can't just decline to attend them either so every time you get invited to a wedding or a funeral for the entire service you're not hymns you're singing like fucking i'd do the nigerian voice mate

all the time yeah because people would get used to it wouldn't they after a while and then you'd be like have you seen that weird white but what if you bump into they just assume you're from nigeria wouldn't they yeah you are not from Nigeria I could be like I could have just been born there I could have been like raised born and raised in Nigeria only if you worked in the banking sector

and had to do with with wills and stuff and getting money then you couldn't what if you were trying to give a large sum of money away yeah with wills and stuff and getting money, then you couldn't. What if you're trying to give a large sum of money away? Yeah. Really frustrated with it. Hello?

Please don't hang up. Should somebody take this money? But, what if you met a Nigerian and they were like, what are you doing? And you're not allowed to explain it. You can't say, you can't even lie and go, I was raised in Nigeria.

What are you doing? What? What are you doing? What are you doing? But if it's... I'm not saying that's a Nigerian accent. I'm saying it's a stereotypical Nigerian accent, which is the loophole.

Oh my God. If it's a good Nigerian accent though, I think the Nigerian person would be like... It is. No, no, no. No, but if... Oh, so you're saying it's not... Yeah, because if it was a good accent,

people would just be like, oh, he is from... Like that is... It's like when I see... When British people do Canadian accents to me, it's just like, oh, just don't. Why does it just come out American? No, it's... like oh just don't don't why does it just come out american no it's uh it's just like eight yeah it's it's it's embarrassing for everyone

yeah you have to oh yeah i mean you guys you know you from Liverpool, how many times have you heard? Can you do a Scouse accent? No. Like, sometimes. Like I say, sometimes. But there's a lot of in there, unless you grew up with it. It's like speaking Chinese. I don't think you can just do it. Well, now's the time to try.

Genwu? What did you say? Genwu? Genwu? do it. Well, now's the time to try. Gen-woo? What did you say? Gen-woo? Gen-woo? I like doing accents. We won't do it today, but we sometimes do a game on this, so just pass that box down there. So occasionally, when we have a guest in, we make it.

Can I do one? We can. Can I play it? You want to play it? Okay. Well when we have a guest in, we make it. Can I do one? We can. Can I play it? You want to play it? Yeah. Okay. Well, give me it and you can do it. Oh, okay.

I went to the pick the cards because they're gold and shiny. So one of these is an adjective. One of them is an accent and one of them is a job. So it might be like angry Zimbabwean dentist. All right. And I'm going to make Paul because he wants to do it I want to do it I did actually want to just be the man who picked the cards I know you did but you fucked up

I'm not cutting this out and you better give this a good fucking go what that said my name then that's a pogo stick designer that said Paul Smith I was like, smashing this. I'm a fucking Nigerian. Let's not do that one. Egyptian.

What the fuck does an Egyptian sound like? That's for you. Every time you see an Egyptian in films, they're just... A seriously ill Egyptian pogo stick designer. Every time you see an Egyptian in a film, it's like, oh, and they just... A seriously ill Egyptian pogo stick designer. What do Egyptian subtitles look like? Another movie?

Can I have another? I don't know what Egyptian sounds like. Just North Africa, isn't it? What's that sound like? Can we have an example? No, no, no, no. It's okay. I'll give him another one. Japanese. A seriously ill... just North Africa isn't it what's that sound like can we have an example no no no it's ok I'll give him another one

Japanese I seriously oh nah are you doing it now and I can test whether it's good come from diaphragm I feel very sick

my butt keep going I feel very I cannot feel podo sick now look Keep going. I cannot build puddles. I can't. Now, look, there's a rule with doing accents that makes them not offensive. You've got to say the words.

I fucking hate to. I need to tell you, I had a good career before this year. You did. It's going all right for me. Yeah, but it's gone down the shit now because of COVID, so you might as well just lean into this shit, okay? I know I had at least one Japanese fan as well. Well him. Well it's

me. No one of my students was a fan One of his students was a fan. So Carl's been in Japan for a year teaching English. Oh cool And one of them at one point found out he's from Liverpool and was like do you know Paul Smith It didn't go down that way that would be weird I said I worked in

Hot Water Comedy Club and then I showed them a picture of the YouTube and he went oh Paul Smith I like his videos and he was he was like 17

it's quite incredible isn't it you've got a Japanese fan not anymore staring at his pogo stick now sorry himamoto

is that his name or do you just not know his name his name is a rio hey rio hey what did you call him mini moto himamoto is that a japanese name you mean it sounds like it might be i'm sure it is you don't know that for sure though do you do you? Unless you can go to everyone in Japan and find out they're not called Himamoto, then I stand by it. Amoto is a common suffix. Yeah. So him or her, the moto. Hello, moto.

Are you thinking of the Motorola of 2002? Okay, cool. That well-known Japanese adverb. So what are you going with? Are you going Nigerian accents or are you going singing at funerals? Oh, yeah, I'd sing at funerals. I'd do that anyway. That one wouldn't even come.

The final one has also got a singing option. This was when Carl was in Japan, and we were doing these podcasts every day me and Dan I asked Carl to invent a would you rather and he sent us this one and me and Dan have already done it so I want to pass it on to you too

it's quite a difficult one I think so would you rather have to call a family member every time you come and explain the event in great detail what's just happened you can never tell them why you're doing it. You just have to be like, hello, mom, I've just fucked this girl.

She was tickling me balls. I went right down the back of my throat and then I ejaculated. See you later, bye. Or every time you come, you have to sing the entire chorus of the song Photograph by Nickelback. You can never explain why to the woman that you're with.

I do that. So literally you you finish it look at this photograph i i'd basically go with the first one because i'm married and i basically do do that and she's pregnant no it's got to be like a blood relative. My mom, yeah. Yeah, because every time I call my mom and tell her she's pregnant. In my head, you were just explaining to your wife what had just happened. I often do.

I respect you in the end. There's nothing to worry about. She was drinking with Cosby. Sometimes she doesn't know. Wakes up, looks at me and says, What the fuck? It's not illegal. It was my wife.

I hope that rule hasn't changed. That was the rule until like 1993, wasn't it? Yeah. Dark day when that changed. Until 1993, it was impossible in the eyes of the law to rape your wife. Like, she's your wife, and if you fucked her, then it was just she signed the papers. Yeah.

Isn't that horrible? Fucking grim. Just the fact that there was like a caveat in the law, like they had to like... It must have happened to them. Yeah, like it was so like, oh, we don't have

the court system if we're going to start charging this. You knew what you were getting into. It's fucking horrible. Is that a ring on your finger, ma'am?

Yep. Not guilty. Out. Would you go, would you go Nicholbach? Would I go Nicholbach? Or would you go, like,

you gotta ring your Jack? No, I'd, I'd go. Ringing Jack wouldn't be that bad, would it? Yeah, if I can ring Jack.

You could ring Dolly. I'd still go ring them. Yeah. My mum's dead, so that's the only one I'd be worried about. All my cousins are fucking reprobates, including Dolly.

So I could go, look, I've just, and she'd be very worried and she'd stop answering the phone after a while, I imagine. But being single and fucking a girl and then screaming nickel back into her face. What would happen then in that instance

if everyone stopped answering the phones? Yeah. And then you couldn't come anymore. You just have to keep ringing until someone picks up. Changing your number. Finally, Caputia! Guess what's just happened?

Adam, don't do it again! Listen, don't, don't hang up! Don't hang up! Would you be allowed to go to your mum's headstone? Tell her. Flowers. Me again! you be allowed to go to your mom's headstone tell her flowers me again it's only been an hour god mom you'd never believe tinder it's so easy Oh, this has been very, very fun.

We have got to do a have a word because that is the name of the podcast. And if we don't do them, I feel like we're shortchanging the listeners. We've got a theme tune. It's time to have a word with Adam and Dan. Tell us all the problems you had with your friends. This was going to be the whole podcast. Now it's just a final 10%. I improvised that song on an episode ages ago.

And then one of our listeners who's a musician put it to music and censors it. That happened to me with mince piping. It's fucking great, isn't it? People are great at it. to me with mince piping. It's fucking great, isn't it? People are great at it. I once challenged,

in a radio interview in Australia, I jokingly said, we were all in town to fight the toughest man, so come to the theater tonight if you are the toughest man. And some fucking crazy dude came to the theater and he did,

like nobody realized what had happened because it was just flipping. And they said, Glenn, somebody's here to see you. And I said, I don't know. And I went out, and the fucking door closed behind me. And the guy's like, so, you want to know who the toughest guy is? Let's do it. Wanted to fight me. And then I was like, no, it was a joke.

He was like no it was a joke he was like aww I feel like you should have fought him out of just like oh I mean I did ask for this didn't he sweep the fuck did he just fight him

aww yeah didn't just fucking explode like oh god the guy's here he's come out like cause if if you'd showed up

and thought there was a fight on the fact that I'd showed up and thought there was a fight on the fact that i just showed up and closed the door like okay what's this all about he just slinked off and he he came out of the bushes in a weird way that like he didn't have to there was a parking lot everywhere and then he went back into the bushes backwards came out fully naked apart from shots he's just still there waiting for his time yeah yeah somebody somebody who find the toughest man in australia you fight a lot of people, don't you? Because you do MMA and stuff. No, I do very controlled pretend fighting. What do you mean? So I'll spar in a gym where I know people,

and I spar people who are much better than me because they know how to not hurt me. Right, okay. Do you punch each other? Yeah. Yeah? Punch in the face? Yeah.

See, that's still ridiculous though, isn't it? Getting punched in the face? Well, with gloves on. Yeah. How do you not get loads of bruises though? Because I don't really get punched. see that's that's still ridiculous though innit getting punched in the face well with gloves on yeah how do you not get loads of bruises though because they don't really get punched that hard yeah

do you know how not to do it yeah do you wear headgear no yeah I think it's better without the headgear apparently it's safer where the provision goes doesn't it and people more

like if you've got headgear on people you're still getting CTA from head because the impact is still there your brain's still wiggling inside your head

it's just now I remember when I are you fighting Freddie Quincy in yeah we've been really

training all year he shit out like two days later he shit out like two days later he's been at the boxing gym. He hasn't. Yes, I was there.

He hasn't. I was there. He hasn't. He's been to the same boxing gym as me. He hasn't. I'm not lying. Okay, cool. I mean, I'll fight him without training.

That's always the best way. I'm just going to announce right now on the Have A Way podcast that Adam Rowe is fighting who the fuck is that guy, Freddie Quinn, on what was the date, November the 9th? the fuck is that guy Freddie Quinn on what was the date November the 9th I haven't got a fucking clue where was the date set well I'll absolutely

fight Freddie if he wants to fight me and I don't feel like he's got sleep apnea he can't even breathe when he's asleep never mind after three minutes

in a box of drink he needs a machine to breathe when he's lying down how am I meant to be worried about fighting that man? If you knock him out, do you have to put his little machine on him?

There you go, mate. I don't want you to have any problems. He's got a mouth guard, too. He's got a thing that goes on. Hold on. We've got to plug this in. Genuinely, though. mouth guard too or something it's got a thing it goes on hold on we gotta plug this in genuinely though you can't be scared

of a man who needs a fucking ventilator no do you know what I mean so yeah I mean if Freddie still wants

we got very this is how you lost your fight to Darth Vader we got very drunk during the early stages of lockdown over Zoom with a few of us

and me and Freddie were talking and he was like yeah absolutely fight Adam and I was like okay well let's have a fight then

but two days later he was like oh yeah it was funny that wasn't it Freddie gets a lot of shit off us in the group and he was the thing about Freddie is

he'll sit he'll sit there and take the shit but when he's drinking he's just like and then he'll just have one sip and just go but when he's drinking, he's just like... And then he'll just have one sip and just go over the edge and go, well, I'll just fucking fight everyone then.

And you're like, whoa! That's exactly what happened. Yeah. That looks like something I better unmute him for. What was that again? He was trying to fight you, He was trying to fight you. He was trying to fight me. I think he was trying to fight Blair at one point.

Like, I understand. Oh, Zoom tough guy. Yeah. If I get in my car. I'd have to wait until it's over, because it would be very illegal for me. We're at a social distance right now. Oh.

I can totally understand, from Freddie's perspective, that if he looks at me, and I'm, you know, maybe six inches shorter than him and I weigh less than him. You can't be six inches shorter than him. Must be at least three, four. Like, he's got a couple of inches on me at least. I can understand Freddie looking at me and going,

I fancy me chances. I mean, I feel differently. Yeah, just butter being punched. But the idea of Freddie Quinn fighting Paul Blair, do you know what I mean? That's like chunk from the Goonies

trying to take on Amir Khan. Which I just feel is a mistake. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. You can't truffle shuffle your way against

the fucking Olympic athletes. Anyway, it's time for Have a Word from 20 minutes ago. It's only 3% of the podcast now. Literally. So, we got some people writing in

who've got people they want us to have a word with on their behalf. This has came from Thelma. Thelma. Yes. Thelma. We don't meet many Thelmas here.

Not since the film with Louise because it didn't end well. Louise didn't die off, did it? As we've heard from the story. Yeah, but there's just some names that have gone and not come back. Like Gary. Yeah, apparently there's not going to be any Garys by the year 2030. So that means every Gary's going to die in the next 10 years. I see that on Facebook.

You know when you see like a Facebook auntie share a post there's gonna be no Gary's like there should be like a fucking there is some that have gone though like some of them go full circle like Albie's back isn't it

like Albert and stuff Algernon's gone isn't it what Algernon Algernon was that ever that's cause of the that's cause of the play

there was a play where a guy he cause Alginon. Alginon? Was that ever? That's because of the play. There was a play where a guy, because he took a medicine, he was retarded and then he wasn't with the medicine, but then he came back. I think it ruined the name for anybody. Like Adolf. Adolf's illegal in Germany, isn't he?

Is it? You can't call your kid Adolf in Germany. Because they're trying to sort of la la la there's nothing yeah Adolf's gone I said the day Sharon's gone isn't it

Sharon it's weird that they think it was the name that was the problem Jews you can come back without calling anybody Adolf

are you comfortable yet no Mike Hitler would have done that it does make sense like Adolf is such a weird name that maybe that was just why he was angry

the whole time he just grew up called Adolf he's like I fucking hate the name he changed his name to Adolf though did he

yeah his real name was like Schnoferuser or something google Hitler's real name please like still fruser or something google hitler's real name please um yeah yeah get yourself on the same watch list glen's actually just read it off His real name was Al Alan

Alan Alan Jones It's like Alois Alois Alois Schichlgruber Yeah You're very close

Alois Schichlgruber You can see why Yeah I wonder if Alois is banned In Germany No it's A-L-O-I-S It's like you can say why yeah I wonder if Alois is banned in Germany no it's A-L-O-I-S it's like

A-L-O-I-S it's like Alois isn't it Alo Alois no because that would be if he's French but if you're fucking

Austrian Alois Alois Alois yeah that sounds like a stroke you can't you can't lose him

you can't lose him in the mountains in Coventry. Well, he's coming down. What's the fucking episode this is? This is from Thelma! Oh, I'm sorry, Thelma. Hey, can you have a word with my husband Paul he thinks it's funny for me to hear him shitting I'm always telling him to close the door or put toilet roll in the loo before he uses it but he won't listen when I shout at him he just laughs hysterically like I'm being unreasonable what toilet roll in first so you never do that

if no I mean I understand if I was in like if I was in a guest house at like a dinner party and I was worried I was gonna have a big shit I'd be like

okay and it had to come out I'd be like alright I'll put a bit of toilet roll in would you shit at a dinner party if it was coming do you know what I mean if you got caught off guard

you're like this is coming out where I don't really get a choice like I've got two problems I've got undiagnosed IBS

or I'm lactose something's wrong but I'm not going to the doctors because you've just got a shit diet no if

it's not like it's when I have certain things I think it's dairy but I'm not being told I can't have cheese and milk so I'm just going

to keep eating it and keep shitting my bowels out it's just not happening but I did stay in a ladies and she's got a studio apartment and i needed to explode so i did just fill the toilet

with toilet roll and then i flushed it and blocked the toilet and i left and i've never seen it again oh you're horrible you you know what i do bad because we've got downstairs neighbors. It's like upstairs, downstairs, but they've separated it. And I can often smell their cooking. That's how. Is that a euphemism or are you talking literally about cooking? Yeah, no, no. But I can smell it when I'm in the bathroom.

So I know that whatever avenues it's come up, it's going down, and my little trick, I'll go in the morning and take a rancid dump, and then at the end, I'll open the door and go, Alex, what have you done? Did you spray? Please, we've got neighbors honey but i don't think that's fair of her to expect him to do that because if they're married she

should accept them for all of his flaws including his poop i love you because i think the exact same thing i had this with my ex-girlfriend because I poo really loud I paint the bowl explosively like it sounds disgusting

he's heard it before excuse me dude yeah do you clean up though with the brush what you clean up with the brush afterwards though

you don't leave it in there do you no he leaves it in there no you've met him no I do I do I do wipe it up yeah

okay it's the noise and the smell that is the problem because it does sound like a nuclear bomb is going off in the distance when I

and she was all like it's disgusting how am I supposed to find you sexy when you shit like that I can hear it because our bathroom is right next to our

bedroom it's not an en suite but it might as well be and she was like that is disgusting and I hate it, and you need to stop doing it. I'm like, what do you want me to do? How about whenever I need a shit, you go out for a bit?

Just leave the house. If you really don't like it that much, then fuck off. I can't leave to shit. I can't go to the park every time I want to poo. Take the dog for a walk and shut the fuck up. My missus thinks it's funny when I poo. Why? It's just because of her farting. She just laughs. The first time I a walk and shut the fuck up. My missus thinks it's funny when I poo. Why? It's just because of her fart

and she just laughs. When I first time I farted and she laughed, I was like, I'm keeping you. Yeah. That's good. A girl who can take a fart

is a keeper. We're very open with each other now. Like she, she'd come up and say this. She thought it was hilarious after it. But she, we went out,

week before last, we went out after the gigs in town she got fucking smashed right and she come back and she was like i'm gonna be sick and she went and threw up on me downstairs and she threw up she pissed off people and she was like i couldn't move because i was being sick so i just had to keep on pissing on your floor make sure this is the clip that was the fucking night I remember he did a perfect

slot to bring me on perfect amount of time just the right amount of crowd work he'd been fucking drinking and he got he got the mic in he's he's handed the one you know there's like a two mic system for covid but he's too drunk to figure that out but he's done he's done the perfect slot he hasn't done too much And then start using it. Yeah, I think you knew it. She's an author, I'm licking it. Yeah. But he's done the perfect slot.

He hasn't done too much time. He's got it to the point. I gave him a little elbow bump. Off he goes. I'm getting ready. You know, the crowd's ready. He fell over in the back of the room. A walk that he's done a thousand times in his life. He's so drunk

he clips his foot. And because he's been lifting weights and chewing on squids or whatever you do now, you know, in the past you would have been able to hit a floor and not have the whole fucking place notice. But he's seriously, you must have

gone flat out like plank because he hit that ground. It was like the fucking T-Rex was jumping rope. The mic jumped up and everything. And I was like, what?

Hi, I'm Glenn. I'm Glenn. I'm Glenn. I'm Glenn. Sorry. That is Hi I'm Glenn I'm Glenn I'm Glenn Sorry That is such a hard follow For anyone to have to close after that Because not only are you the compere But you're you in that club

There's not a person in the room Who didn't know who you were Before they went that night I'm not saying you did But I also don't believe you. Oh, yeah. So, Thelma, I've got to be honest with you, love.

Fucking wind your neck in. Yeah. We're not on your side here, Phil. Yeah, just accept him or leave him. Imagine if she leaves him. You're talking about... The boy said so. You're going to leave him for another guy

who's got an arse also yeah three bro dogs we haven't eaten properly for a very long time yeah me and you had a Chinese at like

one o'clock in the morning last week and it wasn't a small one we were like can we just have everything do you remember when we went with you a couple of weeks ago

and you literally ordered I want all the appetizers that was literally ordered I want all the appetizers that was his order I want all the appetizers he went I'll have this pain I want one of those I want one of those

I want one of those boys this has been a fucking epic one it's an absolute marathon of an episode thanks for coming in tell us again

about your album where they can get it. Viva Forever on all platforms from September 25th. So it's already out, unless this has gone back in time and released it before that. And if you

have that power, what are you using it for your podcast for? You got anything you want to plug? I you have yes i have i'm doing uh doing some work in progress shows for my new tour which hopefully will start up in january so every wednesday and thursday night a hot water comedy you can get tickets at hotwatercomedy.co.uk and i am also starting i know i just wanted to get that in before i forgot i'm also starting a new podcast under the have a word studios banner called hire mate air yet which will be released on october the 9th i believe um i think it will just one sec adam's working out when he's going to release it he's right down at the point yeah that's exactly what I'm doing

so at that point just cut a glimpse so you've also got some news which like people who've watched this if they did start from the start will have put an announcement video in but you are starting a new podcast it's our

it's very exciting for us because it's our first sort of podcast commission other than ours where you're going to start a new podcast called Hiya Mate which is sort of it's almost like

without it's your catchphrase isn't it like it's what you start a lot of your comparing videos with I always pick that one I don't know what to call it yeah

that's what your tour was called and now it's your podcast thing so it's going to be this is me interviewing people it's going to be brilliant we've already got a couple of them in the can it's going to be... This is me interviewing people. It's going to be brilliant. We've already got a couple of them in the can. It's going to come out in a couple of weeks. You'll see the announcements.

You can follow us on social media and there'll be another announcement on one of the podcasts soon. It's going to be on the Havoward network. It's going to be on the Havoward YouTube page and it's very exciting times. It's slightly different to what we do here. It's going to be you and one other guest.

It's more like life stories than the fucking bullshit we put together here people like just anyone i find interesting or anyone's got an interesting story it's sort of like long form comparing isn't it yeah it's like you've got one audience member and you've got an hour or two to really find out about who they are it's like a lap dance yeah yeah yeah get your tail out the tail it's most of my castles full circle full circle so check that out

soon if you are a fan of Paul Smith make sure you go and check him out on Hot Water Comedy and if you do want to see his new

podcast subscribe to this channel if you're watching it it's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening to it and if you want

an extra episode of have a word every single week me and my regular co-host Dan Nightingale we do an extra episode every single week on every single week me and my regular co-host Dan Nightingale we do an extra episode every single week on patreon.com

slash have a word pod you also get early access to these public episodes discounts on merch and it starts from just three quid a month go and sign up there

gents it's been a pleasure this is Paul Smith that's Glenn Wool Sensei Carl's off camera and we will see you very very soon bye Felicia bye