Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #88 with Lou Conran - IN STUDIO - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: October 5, 2020

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Thanks so much for downloading the Have A Word podcast. We really appreciate it. This is the public episode. It goes out every Monday. Did you know we do an extra episode? It comes out every Wednesday. It's the Patreon exclusive. So to become a patron, to essentially subscribe to the podcast,

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Really appreciate it. Now now i'm getting the word nuts oh you think darkness is your ally you merely adopted the dark i was born in it molded by it who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? When she pick it up every time she starts to talk, give her the dick. Disgusting! She'll be like, hello. What I'm doing? This is when you get it.

What I'm doing? Oh, none. Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios, hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England, these are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube. Ja! Upset me!

Don't be a rat. Download, subscribe and tell a friend. It's the one and only. Have a word. Pod Here we go I can't see the screen Oh You need to leave the screen Leave the screen I want to see myself

I want to see Podbe I want to see me there He injured We need to check on him I've had such a weird week man You know It's happened before It looks like it

what it's a visual I'm talking about my Instagram being hacked fucking nightmare mate this is what happens when his Instagram gets hacked

he starts self harming by the way to all of our because obviously quite a lot of our podcast listeners already know that I dislocated

my shoulder the other day to the amount of people who made the same oh you wanking joke! Suck your mum. And to all the professional comedians who see someone in an audience with a bandage on their arm and go,

ah, should I do a wanking joke? Yeah, I'm going to do a wanking joke. Be better. Be better at your job. Oh, no. Do you know what? You deserve it. Take the tap in.

You're playing junglers, even though it's gone now I don't mind the tap in It's wanking No, but in all seriousness Was it wanking? It wasn't, I literally, I woke up With my arm This arm, behind me head

Can I just say I did really want to hear the story i'm so glad i play sad story but it makes it really hard not to find it for it going start again okay carl could you pass me a pillow i want to show you how i sleep because i sleep quite weird what i sleep weird sort of but like lying down i mean you've said before on the pod that it's naked innit sometimes I wasn't naked this time so like imagine this arm

he loves the podcast so much he sleeps with a branded pillow imagine this arm is this arm right just expand your mind I can do it so

I sleep on the other side but I sleep like that right so is that what you saw when you were banging your bird and you just looked oh my god

you're that out girl you're single you say so I sleep like that and the other day I woke up and I was in that position with this arm but my arm was like

above my head and as I moved it like away from above my head like down that way so hang on away from above your head so it was like that so it was like above my head and as i moved it like away from above my head like down that way so away from above your head so it was like that so it was like that and i just went like that yeah but as i did that it just rolled out of the socket how does that happen medically i don't because i've got a gummy shoulder oh okay um and i couldn't move move from wanking. Sorry, go on. Am I just being wanked in my sleep? No, you don't wank in your sleep.

So, I... Imagine if you did, though. Imagine if you know, like, sleepwalking. I have had a sleepwank before. Surely not. I have. Well, what if you've had, like, a sleep murder? You know what I mean?

Like, oh, sorry, there's's bodies everywhere but I'm like this, got a little bit stabby in my sleep, you know. I reckon a good lawyer could get you off of that. Not if I could. I sleep eat. You sleep eat? Mm-hmm. No.

What'd you do? Sleep cook as well? No, so like say like... Carl, get out of the kitchen! Never, honestly honestly never wake him when he's cooking because he'll go crazy plus you'll not get your meal

some people do though my cousin Casey knocked on her next door neighbours once with a banana sandwich that she's made in her sleep go for it go for it

how can it not be I'm not mate how can that not be bullshit but I've got to I had to I had a responsibility to the listeners

to the watchers it is true though if there's food if there's food in the like say like do you get like snacks yeah

watch like Netflix with your partner say like right or on your own it's alright Ben say like there's a I don't know

a box of cookies or whatever on the side if I fall asleep I will wake up and they are gone mate sleep is like

a box of chocolate. Every night before I go to bed, I just say, bedside table, earplugs, bottle of water, the recent John Grisham crime thriller, and a box of cookies

because I'm a big fat fuck. I love courtroom drama. He's the fattest non-fat person I know. You're fat, but you look like you should be, but you're not. Yeah, all right. So I was sleeping like that,

and I rolled in it. Bed cookies. But I have bed wanked before. I have slept wanked. But anyway, that's another day. That's another, come on. Serious now. Rolled out, and I literally,

it was in more pain than it was the first time I did it. When was the first time? Boxing Day when was the first time boxing day 2018 now granted that night i was absolutely hammered so maybe that was numbing the pain a bit right but literally so me arms like we'll put slide that photo in that you put in the um if you want to see some real behind the scenes stuff there's a video exclusively on patreon about this but we'll put a little bit in here so me arms laid out my daughter has watched several times and did a copy video of. Yeah, very funny.

She fucking loved it. Do you know what's really funny, right? So I woke up. I couldn't. So everything's mirrored, so it's on that side, obviously. Couldn't move even. If I move my fingers like this, like that, it felt like someone was, like, stuck.

I couldn't move at all I'm so lucky that I sleep on like the my left side

of the bed so this side of the bed is empty so my arm was on there and I have my phone here

if I was on the other side mate so annoying sorry speaking of phones we are now sponsored by the Nokia 33 blah blah blah it's just my... Speaking of phones, we are now sponsored by the Nokia 33,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I know, it's my pregnant wife. Like, I'm a needy. Could be something really important. By the way, have you just told everyone... Oh. Dear me, Daniel. He's having a puppy!

Anyway, more important things my shoulder Laura we've decided to tell everyone early cunty way

to steal my podcast thunder oh you got a shoulder have you having baby number two haha top trumps

motherfucker well your shoulder is fucked but my dick and balls working just fine congratulations mate hang on let's get Well, your shoulder is fucked, but my dick and balls are working just fine.

Congratulations, mate. Hang on, let's get... No more sleep for such a long time. He says, what did you do since you didn't have a baby? I started a fucking hit podcast. What are you going to do now? Pray to God. Oh, what a way to uh now that's why you should put your phone on uh flight mode okay laura everybody knows a little bit early you were gonna tell people about you people were working it out people were working because you're not fucking

so so me and laura the other day we had to go to the hospital not on saturday she's fine and then later that night she was having a non-alcoholic beer. Not on serious. It's fine. And everyone's like, you're having a baby, aren't you? Loads of people are guessing. All the women, all the wise women are like, oh. There's women who knew before you knew.

There's 20-year-old lives. Women have like a little fucking, they're all like antennas, and they're all connected. They're like radio's women. It was on the Patreon episode, and all like, you know, like Janet, and like all the jillies are like, well, I sense something is going on. Loads of 22-year-olds are like, yeah, fucking hell, lad. Tell her to bang you.

What the fuck's that about? It's fucking bullshit. Let her fucking... Yeah, all the women were like, I know. Right, we'll come back to that. Let's deal with this, because this is, you know... It's a troll house. I'm lucky that I sleep with my phone on my

left hand side because if it was on my right i had no chance of reaching it so i rang him you it was that bad that you were like this if your phone had been over if your phone had been on that side you you literally would not have been able to get it i couldn't move an inch you literally couldn't move an inch without that's not that not hyperbole. I couldn't move without screaming. And I mean like harrowing screams. And I was what's happening like, right, so if you could go and get these new microphones. The way you left the answer and you were like,

Dan, I... Okay, we're just going to have to put on the podcast stuff. We'll just pause it for two hours. Sorry. We're going to have to pause it for two hours. It was that bad. I knew it was bad, but I've never felt pain like it. Like, literally, unbearable.

So I rang him, and he didn't answer. Were you half-footy, or were you just getting a shower or something? No, I was off mum in the garden. So no answer from him, no answer from me dad, and they're the two people who live closest. So then I rang Paul Smithith who lives about half an hour away from me lives in prescott and in traffic it's a 25 minute drive so i was like lads what are you up to so i've got george now george is his autistic son um yeah i'm looking after george

there and i was like i've woke up i can't fucking move an inch and i don't know what to do i really don't know what to do also uh i don't know what to do. Also, I said that last night, so it was like two o'clock in the morning, and I heard a noise at my front door, so I grabbed my baseball bat and stood there for a minute in case anyone come in, and then I got my key,

and I put it in the back of the door, because I was like, you know, even if fucking Jade's got a key cut, and fucking sent it to someone, like go and rob Adam and murder him, it'll be dead funny. Like, rational thinking there. Break up revenge. Even if they've got a key cut and fucking sent it to someone like go and rob Adam and murder him. It'll be dead funny. Like,

rational thinking there. Break up revenge. Even if they've got a key, can't get in now. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Because when a murderer's coming round

to murder someone on commission from an ex, they're like, yeah, there's quite a knife and a gun and oh, clever. The other key's in the door.

Two shays, sir. So I'd left the key in so I was like, Paul, the other keys in the door. Touché, sir. So I'd left the key in, so I was like, Paul, even if I could move enough to throw you the key out the window, or you had a spare key, you can't get in. Right, you just can't get in.

So he was like, don't worry about him on your way. I was like, you're going to have to try and break in. By the time he got there, he'd rang me back and said, what's up? And I was like, I told him. And he came running around, and I was like, you gonna have to Like try and break in By the time he got there He'd rang me back And said what's up And I was like

I told him And he came running around And I was like You're gonna have to Jump into the backyard Oh I'd love to see you Run around Some people live

In the dead air Afraid to step Into the light Here comes a fat guy Who's not fat Some people live Fucking chomping His breakfast cookies

Straight off the Bedside table Like Adam I'm coming for you lad we'll fix your shoulder and i'll shave your back so i said to carl i was like look the front door you can't get in i've got no way of getting your key i said put me back i've got sliding patio doors right what I honestly feel like... I thought you were going to ask him to smash me back doors. He was building up to you going like,

honestly, I told him you're going to have to smash me back door in. So I've got sliding patio doors. What are you looking at? I've got a notification that I've got ADHD. If you've got a pregnant someone, that's going to be a fucking weird phone call, isn't it? Oh, no, she's not pregnant. She's just pissing weird.

So, Sniponkino, massive fucking dick. Would have been bigger if I didn't have that operation when I was nine. Anyway. What are we doing? What are we doing with our lives? I'm going to be a dad again.

How are you going to feed your child? This bullshit. By talking about Adam's dick. You literally pay for food for your child by me talking about my penis. Remember when I told you about that? Yeah. It's quite...

So your dick feeds my child. Is that the rhetoric you're trying to... Okay. Well, I'll see everyone in court. If it weren't for my dick, your child is that the rhetoric you're trying to okay well I see everyone in court if it weren't for my dick your child would be going hungry child upset me

nasty bitch there literally disgusting isn't enough buttons on this how right mama like that

mama like that god I hope Laura doesn't I hope my wife does not watch this episode she'd go on with her heart it was really weird I wouldn't listen to, I hope Laura doesn't... I hope my wife does not watch this episode. She'd go on with it. Oh, today was really weird. I wouldn't listen to that. I made the joke.

How did you make this... You made it again worse. Like, I just heard the joke. And then you were like, yeah, I tell you, have you seen it from this angle? That was like the worst material workshop I've ever been involved in.

Right, so I'm at your back door. So, I've got sliding patio doors now. They've been a bit dodgy. Is your mic working? Oh, yeah. Hello. Oh, hello. It's been a bit dodgy for a while.

So, like, you know on a sliding patio door, you'd have the little clicky thing on the handle? Yeah. That doesn't work. And you know the two nubs that you put in at the side? Nubs? The little boop, boop. You know those buttons that you press on a patio door?

Like, you slid the door and then on the right inside there's little things that you press in so little noncy little meh so the only way

my back door's locked and this is changing very soon so don't try and rob me is a I just had one of them pushed in right

so I went to him look if you're fucking raggy you'll be able to rag me back door off it's injures so you're just gonna have to come and do that so he comes around my neighbor helps him climb into me back garden why does he also like get you from you have to rag it you have to rag my back door off lads and my name you know so my neighbor is Is watching him

Literally And I can hear it I'm in bed Can't move an inch Like struggling to not wail At one point I did scream Didn't I And he rang me

Was that you I was like yes It's me There's not another man Screaming in my house So I was like I'm listening to him Then Paul turns up

I was trying to pull it off The inches For 15-20 minutes And then Paul turns up And Paul was trying to pull it off the hinges for 15, 20 minutes, and then Paul turns up. And Paul's a big lad. Like, fucking hell. What's going on? Paul's hench as fuck, so he tries to have a go, and it's just not fucking

moving. So Paul asks my neighbour for a hammer. The time between Paul getting the hammer in his hand and the window being smashed was about three seconds. He couldn't fucking wait. So Paul... Yeah, like,

because he's been working out, hasn't he? And he can't actually kill someone. But he can smash a... I had such a funny thought, though. So the majority of what went on was happening in the back garden. My neighbour in the back garden,

Carl in the back garden. Paul grabbed the hammer, ran round the front and smashed the window in. And I'm just thinking, imagine if you're one of my neighbours, right? And you're just looking at the window going, fuck, someone breaking into our neighbour's house there.

Isn't... Is that Paul Smith? What's Paul Smith doing? Smashing windows in with hammers? I've heard of joke theft, but I didn't think it was that physical. I ran after him and went, Ian lad, and he went yeah

and just fucking ran in the house so you ran upstairs don't you worry it's gonna be okay Paul got off because his little one was in the car

yeah he had to leave the baby in the car oh he just came round for the muscle hammer smash childcare so him and Paul were in my room

and Paul was like yeah you fucked it and he had a look at my shoulder, he was like, yeah, it's out. Right? And then he went, Paul went, do you want me to put it back in? Nope.

And I went, I don't know. And he went, just let me do it. Just let me put it back in. Has he ever done it before? Have you ever seen me before? Have you ever seen me before? Char! Char!

You hurt me! Nasty bitch! Pulled my arm off! There's a chance With old muscle hamster That he gets a little bit like You know He's got a similar problem Oh right

He's just come out And he knows how to put it back in That's what you do Waits for innit Just be like Ah my shoulder Fucking put it back in If you were Russian

You'd put your own shoulder Back in Fucking pussy So He went Look I went It's going to weigh too much And he went It's just ripping the, lad, it's going to air too much.

And he went, it's just ripping the plaster off. You're just going to have to do it. He went, get a pillow. So Carl handed me a pillow. This is, this is the gayest conversation

without it meaning to be. It hasn't got anywhere near the gayest. Going to get gayer. Wow. I think this is a really convoluted way of you coming out. So, Carl, give me a pillow for me to bite on. Please don't no-contact that one.

He gave me a pillow to scream into, so that, like, the pain from the thrusting... Oh, no. Don't lean into it. That's what he said. Put your arm out. Don't hurt me, please. So, literally, Paul went,

right, I'm going to do it. You ready? And I went and i went no he literally went and i went no no no no not happening and he went this is all the ambulance is gonna do anyway and i was like yeah but they're gonna fill me with fucking drugs first so i'll wait for them so he went right at carl but right paul you can get off lad i'll just wait for him for the ambulance great we got told like up to four hours for an ambulance right so hey what yeah up to four hours unless he's sick no so i rang the ambulance and he went up to four hours unless his uh unless he changes like his condition changes so he said just ring back and say i'm like nearly dead or something no you you said they said if i was sick to ring them back so he said just ring back and say I'm like nearly dead or something no you said they said if I was sick

to ring them back so I went ring them back and tell them I've been sick right alright through the pain yeah and he went well what if they get here

and there's no sick here I was like do you think they're just going to pack up all the stuff and go no back to the queue just paramedics walk in no one has vomited here

I was like I'll tell them I swallowed it or something but then they said they said it'll still be it's so said it could still be a couple of hours. So the night before, Liverpool played Arsenal. He come round to ours, me cousin come round, and I had four bottles of Heineken, right?

And then I was going straight to bed, but I was trying to be good. I was like, I'll have two pints of water before bed. Yeah. Because then even if I feel a little bit groggy after beers, that'll have two pints of water before bed. Yeah. Because then even if I feel a little bit groggy after beers, that'll be gone with the hydration. Great. I didn't have a wee before bed.

So when I woke up, and this is now like an hour and a half later, I was absolutely dying for a piss, like dying for a piss, right? And I went, Carl, I don't know what to do, lad, but I need a wee. And he went,

fucking, I'll get you a bottle and I'm not being in the room when you do it. So he went and got me a bottle. I took my undies off And I went, Carl, I don't know what to do, lad, but I need a wee. And he went, fucking, I'll get you a bottle and I'm not being in the room when you do it. So he went and got me a bottle. I took my undies off and I tried to get, like, it's very hard to piss into a bottle of cherry Pepsi Max

when you've only got one arm because you've got to try and hold your dick and direct your foreskin like a, like a shiwi into the top of the bottle. But I just couldn't manoeuvre both

without, I was going to piss All over the bed So I was like Look I can't do it I'm just going to have to wait And then he went Right the ambulance Will be here soon

And I was like Carl You're going to have to Put me undies on He took his undies off For the piss I took my undies off So I could have a wee

So Carl I had to just hold My dick and balls And hide it I had to dress him And Carl and balls And hide it I had to dress him And Carl put me Undies and my socks on There goes my hero

And He's out of never You fucking There's a hero Can I just say Everyone wants a best mate Like you I'm not sure what he's doing

Yeah The one who dresses you And then films it Yeah Puts it on patreon and accounts for about 40 signups so fucking legend he said he'll hold his dick and balls so i've got to put his pants on from his legs so i'm gonna lift his legs up put them on but yeah yeah yeah i've done it to my three-year-old yeah yeah a man's area oh emanates heat. Oh, heat, yeah, of course he does.

So, I didn't tell you this, but when I went there, me hands got dead warm. Oh! Like a pervy fire. Like a... Mama like that?

No, she does not. I can feel... His mouth does. I can feel the heat of your fucking testicles on the back of me hands. You can still feel it

on your hands now, you can't wash it off. Like fucking Macbeth. Macdick. Yeah, everyone's thinking Macbeth. Everyone was thinking, yeah, it's a Macbeth reference. So, there's a video of this. Like, we can't put the video on this if you want to see the video.

No, hang on. There's not a video of your underpants being put back on. No, no, no. The next bit. Good. God, because that's going on OnlyFans. That's not on Patreons. No, the next bit.

Good God, because that's going on OnlyFans. That's not on Patreon. Do you like seeing hairy Albanian men be dressed by their fucking Transylvanian fucking friend? The video of this is on Patreon. I'm not putting it out publicly because I just don't want it to be available for the public to put on Twitter and shit. It's for behind the paywall.

It's for the good eggs. We waited two hours for the ambulance, by the way. Two hours of pain. That's when I was like, oh, can we get these microphones? You were like, lads. I could hear it in your voice. You were like,

okay, Dan. I've had a medical emergency. Could you shut the fuck up? So I had a bag of frozen peas on my shoulder. Put friends on the telly. Put friends on. Oh, yeah.

What about laughing? I suppose when you've seen every episode 73 times. No, I was giggling away. Like, and it was, it was in and out of pain. Do you know what I mean? You put a,

should have just put a... As long as I wasn't moving. Yeah. The pain was like a six. If I moved, it went straight to a 10. Really, really bad. And then the paramedics turned up.

She was dead sound. She was called Joan. And she knew me from, she watches me stand up videos. Hi, Joe. She was dead sound, wasn't she? Yeah, she was great.

And she goes, right, listen. She's dead scouse as well. She's like, listen, right. Hi, Joe. She was dead sound, wasn't she? Yeah, she was great. And she goes, right, listen. She's dead scouse as well. She's like, listen, right, this is gas in here, and this is what we give to women giving birth. So you think that's bad. I'm telling you right now, it's fucking 10% of giving birth. So this is going to be fucking great.

Good luck, Laura. So I was like, okay, sound. I was like, I'm just worried about getting dizzy. And I just went, you will. But as soon as you take it out, you come back down quite quickly. So you just need to keep blowing on it. So I was blowing quite hard. And then she went to move me and it had done.

I was high as fuck. Like I say, there's a video. Go and check it out if you haven't already. Can I do the impression of you on the gas and air? Sure. You had it and you were... I thought you fucked with the video to make it were, I thought you'd fucked with the video to make it funny.

I thought you'd slowed it down. It sounded like, you know, do you ever, when someone's been fiddled, and they do like a, like a, like they're a witness,

but they're on a TV programme. Oh, crime watch, crime watch. Yeah, like a crime watch, and like, yeah, the guy came up to me, and he got his knob out,

and it was just near Dixon's, and I don't want to be named for legal reasons, but yeah, I didn't want to see a dick and no, I can't sleep at night. And I haven't bought a telly in five years, you know, because Google got his dick out near Dixon's. It sounded like that. He sounded all like... Have you got this when you've eaten too much? It's really, really deep like that. It was Bain, wasn't it? Everything's wavy. That's why I made him do the Bane impression. Yeah.

You think darkness is your life? You think... He really got the dark. That's Bane when he's had the Rona. I was born in it. I was born in it. I was born in the respirator. It was like Frank Bruno and Brian Blessed.

Brian Bruno it was. Have you ever eaten too much banana? No. Bruno and Brian Blessed. Brian Bruno it was. Have you ever eaten too much banana? No. Have you ever eaten too much banana? And it's a bit like, oh, I've got banana in my voice. Have you ever done that?

Don't you die if you eat too much banana? No, I meant, I'm not saying like 82 bananas. I was like, well, fuck you now, I'm full of potassium. I mean, if you just chomp like a couple of mouthfuls too much banana, it just weirdly affects your throat. It's like when you're like, fucking hell, I'm full of potassium. I mean, if you just chomp like a couple of mouthfuls too much of banana,

it just weirdly affects your throat. It's like when you have a hot chip. No, it's like when you have bread that's got no butter on when it hasn't got the lube on.

That is a fatter person thing to say than him having fucking bedside table biscuits. No, but have you never had like a bacon sandwich from like a Starbucks or something and there's no lube on it? You biscuits. No, but have you never had, like, a bacon sandwich from, like, a Starbucks or something?

There's no lube on it. You're absolutely right, but no one in their right fucking mind calls butter bread lube. Bread lube. Bread... I love bread, but I need a bit of butter. Baby bird it.

And you can't even, like... You're like, fucking hell, John! Like, you can't even like you're like fucking hell Joan get the bread stuff like you can't even have a glass of water to swash it down because there's no room for the water to go

no it just like fills your neck up just get that lube on need that millennium bread lube yeah got a KY jelly

on your body don't mix that up with a lady friend like oh I'm feeling frisky but I'm dry as a bone Adam do you know what I mean don't worry babe I've got the lube pack Don't mix that up with a lady friend. Like, oh, I'm feeling frisky, but I'm dry as a bone, Adam. Do you know what I mean? Don't worry, babe.

I've got the wear pack. Vegan. Steve Coogan used to have a character, and it was way, way, way back. It was two gay guys, and it was sort of like that. Oh, my boyfriend was around the other night, and we ran out of lube. So, yeah, I just used the Utterly Butterly, but it had a load of toast crumbs in it he got toast

crumbs in his ass so um imagine now you're a single man putting your life back together brave young soul imagine if there'd been a uh some babe some hot babe future mrs roadie had been lying there and she'd like woken up and she, like, the crook of your arm. That was amazing last night, Adam. I didn't even know I could come out of my nostrils. You know what I mean? You gave me all the Rhodey. Mama liked that.

Mama liked that. You just sneezed, girl. No, no. Felt fucking amazing. No, you're a sex god. No, I think you've got allergies, dog. That's me potted plants. I need more of your roadie.

You need antihistamine. Imagine if she'd been there and you'd woken up and gone to kiss her and gone, Yeah! Fucking hell, Andy! Shut the fuck off! Don't even look at me! I need my best mates to smash me back, darling!

Oh, God. She called Joan a rat. I did call Joan a rat because Joan was a rat. She's funny. She was laughing at you. Because I was high on fucking gas and air. And then I said something and made myself laugh. And it made me scream in pain.

And she ran out the room laughing. While he was screaming? A paramedic ran out of the bedroom laughing and left me with a load of drugs because you were there on gas now go oh my god it's a fucking god there's any joke and then you went to do this like a like a fucking shisha pipe do they do it in flavors vanilla and fucking smash it it was so funny that's why she laughed because you were doing

schtick while you were high as fuck you'd be great on drugs I've said it before I'll say it again I watched that video and my daughter was like oh my god

what's wrong with Adam and I was like oh he's just he's all silly he's taking cilia and I was thinking I'd love to get fucked up with Adam

he'd be great on mushrooms he was lying there like like, in agony. And both the paramedics started flirting with me. Do you remember that? Yeah. I said, I'd love to hear it. You're going, oh, my God, aren't you fucking... And he's going, hello?

He's like, oh, leave him. Never mind him. Oh, so funny, Adam. After the gas and air, she tried to move me. And I was like, it's done. Fuck all, Joan. Like, the pain's exactly the same. I went, you're going to have to give me morphine.

She was like, I've got some morphine, but it's heavy just to move you into the ambulance. Morphine, you know? And I was like, well, it took 20 milligrams to move it last time. They gave me two at a time, and it took like nine or 11 it was. And she went, right, well, we'll start you off with five. And she gave me five milligrams. And then like a minute later, they tried to move me. And I went, no. And she went, let's well, we'll start you off with five, and she gave me five milligrams, and then, like, a minute later, they tried to move me,

and I went, no, and she went, let's just try and lift you up, and she lifted me up. I screamed, didn't I? And the second I sat up, it went back in. It just went back into its socket. Oh, really? Went straight back in, and she went, but now you've had morphine. I've got to take you to the hospital.

Oh, so you'd... Accidentally, you'd been cured. Yeah, well, she said that when she was first treating me she was like often by the time we set you up it can slip back in um but you might want to get it checked anyway and i got there didn't even check me for like morphine and saying i was they were just like they x-rayed me they went yeah it's gone back in they made me do a few exercises like um they made me prove i could do that how's that feel it's uncomfortable but it's not like unbearable so you're wearing that to stop's uncomfortable, but it's not unbearable.

So you're wearing that to stop it clicking out? No, I'm wearing this because they've told me to, essentially. They just went, just wear this. So I can't drive. He's driven us over today. Right. For a week. So I'm basically out day drinking on Saturday.

Yeah, she'll be fine. Yeah. I'm not going to wear a tattie. You don't even have to like lift your arm you can just grab the strap so basically by the time you're in hospital

you're fine Laura's like is he alright I was like he sounds completely fine yeah it was sounds KK comic who's going to come on

this very soon FaceTime me he was like what have you done I was talking to him and then yeah they x-rayed me they made me do a few of that and then they said the fracture clinic will bring you by next Monday FaceTime me I was like What have you done I was talking to him And then Yeah They x-rayed me

They made me do a few of that And then they said The fracture clinic Will ring you by next Monday And they rang me the next day They rang me yesterday And they were like So we're going to send you

To Broad Green It should be between Four and six weeks You'll see an orthopaedic specialist We're going to book you in For some physio But the likelihood is That you probably need

A bit of surgery But it could be up to a year Before you get it Yeah it's not an easy time To get surgery Just now is that you probably need a bit of surgery, but it could be up to a year before you get it. Yeah, it's not an easy time to get surgery just now, is it? Like, everything's a bit backlogged. I do feel like my shoulder is more important than a lot of people's nans, though.

Yeah. We're going to have a sponsor now from Age of Concern. They said, like, how do you sleep? That's... Right. I do that too. So you sleep you sleep like that like on your back on your side on my side with like i'm a commando sleeper i sleep on my front i can't sleep on my back i have to be you sleep face down i have to i'm like that literally i'm ready to just fucking

you know like you know when you see those adverts for the Marines and there's the fucking net? It's funny that you see yourself as a Marine like that because I see you as an alcoholic man whose face plants in the street. It's weird, isn't it? How one image can mean two completely different things. I'm a fucking Marine. I sleep like you.

I've got my arm under the pillow. Does anyone sleep just on the back like, goodnight? No one sleeps just on the back, do they? Vampires. Yeah. Vampires. My dad.

I am. My dad. And then snores so bad. It's unbelievable. I do want to say though, and we don't really do sincere stuff a lot on this, but Joan, Joanne was the other one, wasn't she?

The other paramedic. And everyone at the hospital, all the NHS staff, were so fucking sound. Clap for them. You can't. They were genuinely lovely, funny, making jokes, and considering the year the NHS has had, it takes quite a lot to be in the fucking joyful mood that they all wear, and they deserve a lot of credit. You know the clapping for the NHS thing?

You know what, Art, you ain't even there, I've got to tell you this. The people who don't want to do it, mate, that job is not fantastically played, and they have to deal with a lot of, like, harrowing, depressing stuff, but also a lot of fucking the worst people in existence. And then they get in a situation

like that and they can still laugh at your joke it's amazing they are amazing people they are worth that do you know what i think a little side effect of this pandemic is people are starting to take it certainly in real life social media is not real and everyone's fucking angry but people are starting to take things a little less seriously and i like that i've noticed the comedy clubs i can get away with saying more stuff and even when they sort of go oh i go what are you doing people are dying anything i say doesn't matter yeah get out your own fucking bubble i've noticed people in shops like people who work in asda are like just being more it's over there lads like just go and find it i don't need to walk like just being a bit more chill and i walked up to the the screen in the um in the hospital to

give them my details and that's a book me in for me x-ray one of the nurses went you look the color of boiled shite an nhs nurse when you look the color of boiled shite i think that might be a merseyside nhs experience i think if you if you go to some parts of oxfordshire like the fucking royal bambury Hospital, I don't think you're going to get that level of banter. The one who said that to me as well, she was the one who triaged me, right? What's triage?

It's like you go and speak to a nurse so that she knows exactly what you need to get done in there that day. Oh, it's like a little... It's like a little chat. It's like a little consultation before someone... Yeah, she saw you into your right. Yeah. So she goes... Oh, it's, yeah. So it's not actually doing anything. It's like a little chat it's like a little consultation before someone yeah she saw you into your right yeah so she

she goes oh it's yeah so it's not actually doing anything it's like going no she's like what's happened tell me what it is

I'll make sure I know what we need to do so I had a what's it is a cannula cannula yeah so I had a cannula in for where they put

the morphine in my arm and I wasn't going to get any more morphine they offered me more in the ambulance but I was like I don't think I need it I don't want to take

morphine if I don't need it I went to the one who said I look like the colour don't think I need it. I don't want to take morphine if I don't need it. I went to the one who said I looked like the colour of a boil. I said, can you take this out of my arm because I don't need any more and I'm scared every time I bend it that I'm going to fucking bend the needle in it.

And she went to the other nurse, she went, yeah, yeah, I'll just sort this out. She went, yeah, so you'll have your x-rays shortly. Go and wait by room nine

and I'll sort it out for you. And then she went, Julie, will you take this cannula out of the crying arse's arm? Fucking wonderful. That's what you want, donula? And I was crying asses arm. Fucking wonderful. That's what you want, don't you? It's exactly what you want.

Colloquial, honest. I've said this on this before, when we talked about that fucking cunt on the train. Do you know, like, fake... I've tried to stand up a bit about this. You know, like, fake customer service smiley. Nothing angers me more. Yes, sir.

No, I'd love to help, but I can't. So I'd love... No, I understand and I love and I'd love to help you, but I just can't. I'd rather them just be like, there's nothing I can do, lad. Go over there and shut up. I'd much rather that,

because that's so honest, isn't it? Just, there's nothing I can do, so fuck off. I'm doing what I can. I'd love to, but you wouldn't love to. You're lying. That's why I don't think we should live where we live, based on geography alone. I think we should be lumped in with people like,

do you know what I mean? It shouldn't be like where you're from, it should be like how sound you are. And then all the fucking nonsense. I'll put this back on for the second half of the show, but... All right. It needs to come off for a bit. wouldn't that be amazing if where you lived there was just all sound people

who didn't give a fuck and could act like an adult and didn't get all touchy and all the stuck up poncy I joined a group so I could complain about this lived in a different area of the country so you could have television delivered by someone who was sound going alright guys the news

i'll be honest headlines not fucking good you know the prime minister bit of a dickhead shit's going down it'd be amazing if you could then go to the doctor and they're like lad that's fucking awful and you just got to get why does everyone have to be like oh this is an official matter so i have to talk to you in an official way i don't need anyone to talk to me like that i loved it when i went when i snapped my banjo and the loved it when I snapped my banjo and the doctor told me I snapped my banjo. He didn't say, you've torn your frenulum. He went, no, lad, you've snapped your banjo.

Don't have sex for two weeks. Yeah. Bye. Do you know what I learned as a manager? I think I've said this before. The customer is never right. No. So, like, if you could say, listen, lad,

you're being a knobhead, shut up. They go, oh, that's weird. But you can't. But now, on a Patreon episode, we're going to tell the story of the complaint you go oh

on the next Patreon episode but companies are shitting it because because everyone's becoming an absolute whinge fest online like oh

someone was ever so slightly rude to me and because I'm spending £28.50 at Chiquitos I think I'm the fucking Sultan of Brunei. Give him the voucher, boy. I cannot wait until this podcast gets its first complaint

because we say stuff on this podcast to make each other laugh, right? I say the most horrific things at times because I know it makes you two laugh and you do the same and so does he. And that's why this podcast is successful, is because we're catering, to an appetite for a type of humour,

that TV just cannot provide, and we're here for that, and there's not many, like the comedy industry, like I think, if anyone's going to say this, it should be me, that the TV comedy industry,

a lot of the producers, are absolute wet white melts, who should be nowhere near a comedy club and they don't wouldn't know human if it fucking hit them in the face with a big massive dick they just wouldn't know and they're not really watching this at the minute they're not they're not really into this because i'm on i'm on the the perennials of the periphery the periphery of the the source of tv comedy bubble i get bits of tv but i'm not like on every fucking show every five minutes and i like that i like any outer hebrides

absolutely but because we're both like that not a lot of them are necessarily watching it but it's fucking growing and it's growing at a fucking rapid speed oh yeah we had an agent the other day yeah an agent emailed my agent said we would love to get some of our clients into adam's podcast and i'm like do you know what's going to happen one of them are going to get one of their clients on and when the client's in the clients will be fine and they'll just be like no well i do a humor this way but that first half this first half where it's just me and you something and they're going to be like this is reprehensible you can't do that accent with those words what are you going to do about this i'm'm going to go, do you know what we're going to do?

We're going to keep doing it, and you can just not watch it. How about that? How about when you don't like something, you just don't watch it? Yeah. Just shut up and fuck off. Basically. No, but the internet is exactly what I was talking about, wasn't it? You get congregated now with the people you want to be congregated with,

because you go and find it. People come and find this. So you can't be like, oh, my God, I can't believe you ruined my evening of watching Channel 5. When I was on Channel 5, you came to see us. Is your shoulder all right? Yeah, it's uncomfortable, but it's okay. Well, all right.

Well, don't leave it off too long. I'm worried about you. Oh! Let's have another one. Oh, no! Dan, before we go anywhere, right, I've got to have a word with Channel 4 because they've commissioned a stand-up show

and it's not from stand-up comedians. Talking about TV. Fuck off! Now we can have a have a. What's happening, lids? Today's sponsor is Beer 52. Beer 52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. If you're into your beers, your ales, your stouts,

Beer 52 is the place for you.'ve teamed up with have a word this podcast baby to give our listeners a free case of eight beers you will get eight beers an award-winning beer magazine and a tasty snack you just pay the 5.95 postage you can pause or cancel your membership to this discovery club at any time but until you do that they're're going to keep sending you beers. They're going to send you a different theme every month. Previous themes have included Germany, California, Belgium, Korea, New Zealand, South Africa, and many

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I think Carl's had too many cookies. I know, it's because he was... It's because of the baby. Well, yeah, I've got some bits and bobs to talk about, but it'd be fine, wouldn't it? We've told a lot of people about the baby. It's all right. It's all's alright innit

it's exciting you like you made it quite accidentally obvious on I think it was a Patreon episode I didn't mean to yeah

it's just hard innit something's cooking you said something's cooking and then you said Laura Laura would be in the hospital did I say something's cooking

yeah oh god you said Laura would be in the hospital but it was fine and you said that Laura was drinking non-alcoholic beer all in one episode

you know yeah you know it's hard because on this podcast we just we're so open we talk about our lives and stuff

like the last 35 minutes has just proved it's really hard to hold stuff in it's like when you split with Jade you were like it's probably too early

to be talking about it but I want to say something otherwise it's going to seem disingenuous And I'm going to feel like I'm lying Have I told you I've not enjoyed Not talking about the pregnancy Have I told you about the girls

At Hot Water No Like obviously Because of this podcast People are now coming to see Both of me and you Do stand up Even when it's not

A halfway show Oh shout out to Saxmode Who came to fucking Runcorn From Southport Yeah Absolute legend She came to fucking Runcorn from Southport. Yeah. Absolute legend. She came to Blackpool as well when we did Blackpool. What a star.

But people are starting to come. This is the only part of my breakup that threw me off about anything. Because genuinely, I'm a lot happier, like abundantly happier. And I know she will be as well. I haven't really spoke to her much, but she will be. I'm the happiest I've been in years at the minute. And I feel guilty saying that but i really really am um and it's absolutely the right thing and all that sort of stuff but

there was one moment and it's because of this podcast and we're so open about our lives i was at hot water and we'd already recorded the episode to go out saying yeah me and jade have broke up but it hadn't actually gone out yet but in my head i've already told people and i went on stage at hot water and there was two girls to the right of me on the very front row who were podcast fans and i went so i broke up with my girlfriend recently and one i just had one of them go through that jade and he fucking twisted my head off at hinges i was like yes and then and then just tried to do the routine and it just like it takes a lot to unnerve me on stage you you can call me a fat ugly unfunny cunt and i'll be like let's go dickhead right that just made me go yeah it's it's it sounds so ridiculous because you know what you're

doing but you sort of forget how many people are listening and uh anyway literally tens of thousands of people listen to every single song having a having a fucking baby so a little Danny baby

yeah do you want a boy or a girl are you going to find out um I would like I don't know you just without sounding like a hack

you just want everything to go well what race would you choose uh black would you yeah of course I want a Chinese baby man no would you yeah of course i want a chinese baby no you don't of course i want a little deshawn deshawn nightingale i'd like chinese babies are the cutest um yeah i'd like i'd like a uh healthy little i'd like a girl i'd

like another girl i'd like an army of women and i'll and I'll honestly I'll go completely fucking mental and then eventually I want a Chinese little girl who transitions in teenage years to a black little boy Bruce Nightingale yeah

Caitlin Nightingale I want a Chinese little girl who becomes a black teenage boy okay you're on your own on that one

Pokemon Pokemon and then who becomes uh something else for that also you know just like you can change what you are now can't you so come on. Oh, come on. And then who becomes, uh, something else for that. Also, you know, just like you can change what you are now,

can't you? So I don't care as long as they're not a little dickhead. I just want, it also, kids aren't really dickheads. Kids are great. Just, I was hanging out with my daughter this morning.

I was like, what if you end up growing up to be a right fucking bellend? Like she's amazing now. And I love being a dad and it's all cute. And we get to play and everything. But imagine at if she's like but dad i just don't like immigrants i'm like oh for fuck's sake do you know what i mean like i don't know it's this weird thing i had a moment this morning projecting forward going god i wonder if we're gonna get on as adults because i love i love seeing it when parents are like mates with their kids.

Me and my dad, you know, we get on and we speak and everything. We're not, you won't call us mates. We don't do anything as mates. I'd love that. So basically, I want a girl or a boy, as long as everything's long term. I just wanted to be like, oh yeah, I love my dad. He's a bellend, but he's really fun. So you want another little girl?

You've got two little girls? Yeah, because in theory, you've got two little girls yeah i'd like because in theory you've got two girls and then this is how selfish i am i just want women looking after me in my old age i just want a team of attentive women because i think lads can get very like i just remember what i was like at 24 like what i called you last year fuck off well here's the thing right if laura leaves you and the girls go away and you get to old age, you'll get to old age ten years before me and Carl. We'll come and look after you.

Oh, that's so depressing. I'll dress you. Yeah? Carl can put your undies on. No, I'll put your teeth in for you. I'll smash your back doors in. You shaved me. I wasn't even using them.

You were so much shagging. I'll shave you. Carl, will you shave my back if I'm single again? shagging I'll shave you Carl will you shave my back if I'm single again I'll do it now he's making sexy backs

yeah nailed it I honestly I love the daydream of what I'd do if Laura's like okay that's enough

of this bullshit goodbye I'd be like I'm either gonna go rogue and mental and just like lone wolf or just marry some ballet. I can see you living in a cabin in the woods, Unabomber style.

What? You know the Unabomber. Yeah. I think I'd go static in Puff Kelly. I think you'd end up killing loads of animals and setting them all out like an audience and then comparing to them. It's dark, wasn't it funny just a load of dead squirrels and fennels and

possums thanks very much thank you you've already got a mic are you doing you stupid honestly cunt. Honestly, babies. Honestly, babies. It really struggles to concentrate. Oh, that is so funny. The idea of just like a fucking dead badger. What do you do? What's your name?

What's your job? Oh, God. I'm fucking losing it. Oh, God. Yeah, I can see you doing that. Do you ever see the old... The chair has been my vote. Welcome back.

Dead bad. Just road killing the front row. The fucking tough crowd tonight. As a handover to the support acts, a bush. Can you just be introducing yourself? Here's Dan. One man show. Residency here in

Murder Point Oh god I see those guys in like pubs You know like not very cool pubs Who are like the fucking You know disco grandads You know like he's always here Bit of a dancer

Disco They've always wearing like a snooker players Like a waistcoat but open You know that song Macho Macho Man? Is that him? No. No. Okay, there's the ADD cracking in.

Because you said disco and I was like, disco, disco. And then I remember that's Macho Man and then that's Macho Man, isn't it? And that's how ADD works. No, no, no, there's a reason for it. You said disco, disco, and I thought macho, macho, and I thought macho man. And then I thought Like pigeons Are they like A real bird

Oh I've got Oh Oh Dan Oh Dan I got a

Would you rather I asked him Someone asked me And I asked him And I You've got to go No I've got to tell you

Then you've got to go I've got to tell you. I got to know. Would you rather? Would you rather? And then go. Go on. You do. You do. Well, can I do Pacino?

That's what. Hang on. What's that? What does that say? You've got to have a game. Now. Does he have to show? I got to know.

Shouting Pacino is better than quiet Pacino. This watch is your birthright. Your granddaddy had this watch up his ass for five years in that Hanoi pit of hell. You say it's up his ass, but how good an ass are we talking? He wasn't going to let no... A good ass or a great ass. He wasn't going to let know. Bastard.

Take your birthright. Watch your birthright. And so he did. He put it back in his ass. We got to get back to the matter at hand. Oh, really? Now you're focused. What do you want to know? Do you want to know the question I got for you?

I need to know the answer. Do you? Would you rather? Would you rather? Okay. Now. Go. You're very drunk. You're freaking you rather Now You're very drunk You're very drunk You need to piss and be sick

Would you rather Piss on the floor And be sick in a toilet bowl Or piss in a toilet bowl And be sick on the floor This is So easy for me. Yes.

I hate puking into toilets because that's where people's bottoms go to go poop. Even when I'm ill. Yeah, but it's clean, isn't it? You clean your toilet. Yeah. But it's got muscle memory of shits that have happened. It's got muscle memory? He's been to my house. You have muscle in your toilet? Yeah. But it's got muscle memory of shits that have happened. It's got muscle memory?

He's been to my house. You've got muscle in your toilet? He's been to my house several times. So where do you throw up then? In the sink? I'll be honest. If it's big,

if it's big throw up, sometimes there's like, In the bath? There's a bit of a, no. Fucking in the bath? How big's my stomach? I don't know. How many fucking night time biscuits

have I been eating? You'd fill it up. I puke in the biggest receptacle. I go round to the local YMCA and puke in the swimming pool. I feel ill. Laura, where's the jacuzzi? I'm going to get a jacuzzi for next summer.

Alright, ADD's back in town. Can you get the Jones to pop your brain back in? Boys are back in town. Ba-da-da-da-do-do. Ba-da-da-da-do-do. Ba-da-da-da-do-do. Where'd you from? Ba-da-da-da-do-do.

Guess who just got back today? Guess who just got back today? Those whining on boys. But if the boys want to play. Dan, where'd you go? The boys want to play. I want to know. The boys want to float.

I do not like puking in toilets. But you stand on the floor. What? You stand on the floor. That can be mopped up. No, but I mean, like, you stand outside where dogs have a poo, and then you stand on that, and that's just the same, isn't it? I'm just telling you,

I don't like, I don't like sticking my head near where people do poos and wheeze. Okay, let's change it then. How is that not, it's not complicated. Okay, let's change it then. It's not complicated.

Let's change it then. Fuck you. Let's change it. So, this has been a fun one, hasn't it? Yeah. You don't need to piss, but you need to shit.

Our Lou Conran's coming on. You need a shit. Shit dirty. So would you rather shit on the floor than sick in the toilet? Or shit on the toilet and sick in the floor? Right. I don't know. Oh, I made a don't know.

That's the key with a would you rather. If you get a don't know out of someone, you're nailed. I just always want to poo. Wow. I just want to use the toilet for purpose. You don't want to poo on the floor, though, do you? No. Would you rather poo on the floor though do you no would you rather poo

on the floor or the bog you've got to do a sick at the same time we are we are clocking some time here and we have had some phenomenal responses to the pranks do you remember a couple of weeks ago i wasn't here last week the facebook what we call them the facebook attacks the frapes yeah we've had some corkers could we indulge me gentlemen i want to know the answers to the fucking question you've got it so are you shitting on the floor yeah what are you shitting on the floor on the toilet shit and sick shit and sick where do you go which one's not being gross i can't believe i've said that after a hundred episodes of this bullshit

I like toilets I'll plop in the toilet you'll poo in the toilet and sick on the floor yeah yeah yeah yeah Laura yeah

why would that have made it harder yeah why would it makes it macho macho man

um okay guys we're gonna do some uh Facebook uh Macho, macho man. Okay, guys, we're going to do some Facebook attacks. Michael, in uni... Thank you for this, Michael. In uni 2010, a friend who was a girl left their phone on the table at the pub. I text two people in her contacts... Stupid boy. First male names, like George and David the line

I want you inside me they come back see a message on their phone she looks at me in horror and rushes outside starting an hour long phone call I had just started a three year family argument

as one of the names was her grandad I'm still friends with them but that guilt still hangs in the air there is a warm place in hell waiting for me he didn't hear the word of that still friends with him, but that guilt still hangs in the air. There is a warm place in hell waiting for me. Oh. He didn't hear the weather.

You okay? What's happened? I don't know whether I'm hungry or horny. Okay. Sorry, go on, do another one. I love it when he leans into the sheet. I'll just do one more this is from my best mate's

brother Dom I didn't know my best mate Sean I didn't know his brother was listening this guy is a barrister

our listeners are important people they're not and bellends we've got a lawyer who listens alright lids yeah but barristers trump lawyers

all right what's a barrister it's the one up it's the one who goes you can't handle the truth lawyers are just like nonces like that was that was the defendant well you can't handle the truth no it was a barrister in the uk legal system the people who argue a court case the the quote you can't handle the truth is from a few good men and jack nicholson is the one who says it and he's the defendant and not a barrister oh yeah the barristers wear the horse hair wigs to be fair we're a bit stupid there don't they we're we're yes if you think about how ridiculous this country looks to the rest of the world i'm not talking coronavirus response i'm not talking brexit like we have lords we've got a queen

she lives on a throne we give her money for nothing her sons are nonce the other one's fucking killed his wife and got a new one do you know we all give a 50p a year each yeah i find that less offensive than the tv license yeah tv licenses why is that less offensive than the tv license the tv you're getting something for your money what are you getting for the queen what i mean good looking stamps the queen's yeah yeah queen's speech at christmas yeah it's bang i've never watched it neither have i but you get it who watches the queen's speech it's not worth 50p are we doing the royal family i mean they're not my favorite i'm just like as a country with like those fucking hats that the barristers were. Yeah, we're the reason America exists.

Because people went, oh my God, what a stupid system. Being fucking born to your status and never being able to move from it because of a really deep-rooted class system. And so the new world started because people were like, fuck this bag of tricks, I'm out. This is what Hamilton's about, you'd love it. Yeah, I probably would quite enjoy Hamilton. Of course you're not a royalist. bag of tricks I'm out this is what Hamilton's about you'd love it yeah I probably would quite enjoy Hamilton then how does a best

of course you're not a royalist we're both working class lads from the north like the royal family

and the ruling class it's hard to if you really get into it the fact that there is we live in a

system where you are like a class system is a sordid thing let's say you're born worse than that person what aordid thing let's say you're born worse than that person

what a load of shit let's say for the second right that you are on a night out Chester you're single you're in Rosie's

you're having a fucking you've had some poppers yeah I'm always doing that I'm always doing that blue wickers and poppers so it's a Tuesday and what's one of the

Queen's daughters called Anne Anne Princess Anne Princess Anne Princess Anne yeah yeah yeah Princess Anne 74 year old

fit as fuck has she not got any young ones oh mate the Queen's an old lady isn't she how the fuck would she have young ones

the Queen is 95 years old do you think she's got bangable daughters that you've not heard about oh yeah yeah what about Princess Rochelle you've got Kate and Megan

there yeah but they're not like this they're her grandchildren's yes that's how you know you're old when you're like

fuck me Megan so Anzois 74 so let's say this is 20 years ago she's 54 you're 43 right

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry You're 43 Char Upset me Nasty bitch But she comes over To see him Rosie's Hello Should we act it out

Yeah Right Right go So I'm I'm Prince I'm Prince Anne Right Prince Anne

Princess Anne Princess You fucking idiot Hello You look like Quite a charming young man. I got love. Big blaster poppers.

Can I have some? No. Can I have some? My mother is the queen. So technically I own... Pause the fucking thing. My mother. Oh.

What a fucking type of royal family are you? Is it the... My mother is the queen. Are you talking the godfather? I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse. You want to smash this princess pussy? Queen Elizabeth the sixth. It's the bravest man.

Have you never whipped dollars? That's quite good, though. You're brando. Quite good. I don't think... This is the weirdest roleplay we've ever done. Hang on, let's get it back on track. So what I'm essentially asking you, right,

is if a princess... Fredo! Ashtews Agusa. Right. Princess Anne. Princess Anne. Poor! Seventy-

I'll give you that. Will you pull it up? She's 73 72 years old no you need to detach yourself from the fact that she's old I'm not honestly

you know if Laura bins me off she's 70 she's 70 not that old not yeah oh yeah still smashable yeah

and she's got a bus pass and also she was 50 when you were what 19 great so 49 49's not that bad is it you could have goosed her when you first started going out your math is all over the fucking shop how old is she 70 right and i'm

and i'm 39 so 20 years ago come on mate what come on what no she's 70 and I'm 39. So 21 years ago, you started going out? Take away 20 from both. What do you mean? 21 off 39 is 18. Oh, I thought you were saying she's 20 years older than me. No. Right. No, what I'm saying is take 21 years off now.

No, no, never mind that. I'm not ageist. Honestly, a lot of people... That's a fucking line, isn't it? A lot of people go younger in their second marriage. I might go older. Because I go to bed early now. see a lot of people fucking lying isn't a lot of people go younger in the second marriage i might go older i mean because i go to bed early now i'll be like look imagine that princess and she comes like hello one is in roses oh what is this music i'm like it's fucking banging in it love

it's dizzy rascal bonkers you've heard it oh it's so banging some people think I'm bonkers but I just think I'm free my name is nothing crazy about me nothing crazy about me

what I'm asking you is would you would you date a princess because you're anti-royalist northerner and you fucking

hate the class system but princess Anne let's say you were the same age and you're like 30 you both just come

out of a relationship six months ago you're ready to move on and she wants the fucking danny deegan the danny d go on never call my dick danny deegan as if you didn't go for gun the danny deegan right yeah i so would you go out with the queen's daughter? Oh, one loves your hat. I'm like, oh yeah, love. She's just like. You ever listen to podcasts, love? No, not really.

Probably for the best. Because the thing is, have you ever noticed some posh people really like a bit of rough, not like rough sex, as in like scum. Oh dear. Do you think of the two of us, Princess Anna would be looking my way then? Do you think of the two of us, Princess Anne would be looking my way then? If she wanted scum, do you not think she'd keep going past Chester? No, but there's a line, so she can't get as far as me.

Oh, yeah. Too low. I like it rough, but I don't want to get that dirty. Yeah, she just wants like... I like a man who has two working arms. Yeah, two working eyes. So go on. I'm asking you, would you bang your way into the royal family? who has two working arms. Yeah. Two working eyes. Middle school class. I'm asking you, would you bang your way

into the royal family? I'd ask her to renounce her titles if she wanted little Danny's dick. Would you? Wouldn't you want to have that story, though? I think it would affect the podcast and my live work. No, if you're just banging it once,

you're not marrying her. The Daily Mail would literally take a picture of my face and then do a massive middle england shit on it could you imagine if princess anne at 70 years old hooked up with recently divorced podcasting bell and dan nightingale they'd be like and i and they were like they'd literally be they'd be they'd be they'd be typing out the shit that we say and like it'd be like And they'd literally be They'd be typing out The shit that we say And it'd be the front page of the mail

So what's my second be like Hi guys I used to live in Manchester They've got a funny accent They're like you're fucking a princess See this is why you're cynical and I'm optimistic Because I'd be looking at that going Does the Queen's speech need an opening act

Liz Christmas afternoon and I'm optimistic because I'd be looking at that going does the Queen's speech need an opening act Liz Christmas afternoon yeah you're on BBC1 mum I get to call her mum as well because you know I'm married to her daughter now

mum mum mum nah like she's a busy your mum Mrs W you always do that

do you remember when you were a kid with him I used to call them whatever my name was as mum so I'd call his mum his mum's coffee but i'd be like if i wanted a drink i'd go down and say like carl's mom oh how old are you six at the time yeah because when you because when kids are too confident like etta's learned everyone named

catherine yeah like with the neighbors or! And you're like, mate, you're three. I, no, no, I don't. I just don't think it, I just don't think it sits well with me. Really? I really despise the royal family and what it stands for. I actually individually don't mind them. I think a lot of them are good people. They're philanthropists. They do a lot of good.

But what it represents to me, being a bit sort of poncy, is that people are better than other people at the point of birth and i cannot fucking stand that that is an awful concept because brilliance and genius and and good can come at any level of society and rotters and pedos and nonces can be born into fucking palaces so i hate what it represents and i the french got rid of theirs. America's never had it. I love the idea of people going, I tell you what, if we need a leader, just what? Shall we all choose them?

And I know that can go wrong, quite obviously. But it's not like, well, my mother was this and my father was that. And before them, about 200 years before, they ran out of royal family. So just ask a German royal family to come over for a laugh. It doesn't even stand for anything. It's just a weird, a weird form of rule that I can't be doing with. I bet the food's good, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do they have KFC, though, in Buckingham Palace? I reckon you can get delivery even when the shops are shut. Oh, God. The first day you were shacked up at Buckingham Palace after the wedding, and you were like, Anne, Anne, dogs. Should we get Just Eat? should we get Just Eat? Should we get Just Eat? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you reckon they can? They can get anything. There's the fucking queen. No, but they can't send someone on a fucking pedal bike up to the fucking gates of Buckingham Palace.

I bet you they can. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Round the back. Imagine the guy like I'm going to get the big fucking tip for this when he's delivering a Zingertower burger meal

to the back of Buckingham Palace. I don't reckon they tip. I reckon that's how the rich stay rich. Yeah, you've worked it out there, Adam. Fucking genius, innit? That's how the royal family stay rich. They don't tip KFC,

just eat drivers. 50p each. I would happily drive for delivery for a bit if I knew I was going to get to meet the queen okay I don't think she collects it to be honest

she's probably got like a butler to do that she loves Amish celebrities to get me out of here doesn't she do you reckon Carl thanks for fucking clearing that one up I'm glad you're here VAR common sense over there actually I think there's a butler

do you reckon sorry ones in ones joggies what if a butler. Do you reckon? Oh, sorry. One's in, one's jogging. What if the butler's having a shit? Yeah. She's going to leave the food gone cold. No, she'd just go down.

I reckon she must get bored of not doing anything for herself. Do you know what I mean? Have you ever had, like, you're sick or something, and your missus is like, I'll do everything for you. And at the end of that day I'm just like oh I want to wash a dish I want to do something let me boil the kettle myself

will you just fuck off and leave me alone does she not get like that is she not like listen oh yeah yeah yeah she's never done it though has she

what she's never done it you don't miss what you've never done you don't know she might make herself a brew once in a while yeah I reckon she must get bored

I reckon she does quite a lot I reckon she does quite a lot. I reckon she does. Go and get the KFC. Who picks up the corgi's poo? The poo butler. Oh, there's a shit butler? They'll have a... Like, no one wants to do that.

She's got someone to do that. Oh, yeah. Or collecting the food. Do you know the guy who collects the corgi's poo, his father was a shit collector. His father's father... He's like eighth generation shit collector but right what if you were the queen and you know you're the queen do you mean especially

like if you hung over and you just want to what like on boxing day fucking nailed that speech fucking headlined it smashed it adam rowe was a great opener took the fucking roof off but wouldn't you want to go and collect like you delivered who and just be like watch fucking

Balthazar's head fall off what you think the queen just for a laugh likes to go come on Philip

let's go Nando's for a giggle no she doesn't take Philip he's fucking he's hooked up to a machine so he doesn't

fucking die alright so yeah that's the silly bit of this I reckon she goes down to the back no he doesn't take Philip be serious the silly bit of this I reckon she goes down to the back no he doesn't take Philip be serious

Dan I'm being serious I reckon she must sometimes just be like I'll go like the butler's called Gerald so she's like

Gerald leave it right I'll go get it and she goes down and fucking little fucking whatever his name is on his mopeds there

thinking I'll be the butler again and then the fucking queen opens the door and she's like what's happening lad here's a red note with my face on it

gives me scram yeah I think it's part of expecting though because he's at the back of Buckingham Palace Palace you know

I mean if she it was a two bed camp does she defo live in there no she lives in Windsor does she yeah when she's in there the flag's off you can tell

yeah this has been I mean that's a fucking terrorist target weird end to this section isn't it and we've

had an email and I'm just giving that up we'll read that another time do you reckon the queen goes to Nando's

in disguise like an atom Nando's in the sky no do you reckon like if she wants to go to Nando's she's like puts an atom

so you can't tell it's the queen I reckon she's been somewhere like in a disguise yeah what what can a 95 year old woman that's the queen I reckon she's been somewhere like in a disguise yeah what what can a 95 year old

woman with 14 security guards disguise as she doesn't need the security guards she puts a bear head on no you disguise the security guards

as well yeah yeah all the security guards put a bear head on you know when you see like 5 muslim women walking around

that's the queen and all the boys that when you see like five Muslim women walking around that's the queen and all the boys that when you see six burqas walking by yeah and five of the burqas

are filled with six foot three really muscle bound Muslim women all surrounding one tottering Muslim woman

in weirdly yellow pastel fucking high heel like yeah yeah just have a listen next time with a handbag salam alaikum what's his name

oh it's Kenneth Williams no that was gay bone yeah but like she'd get away with that yeah no one's going over so not you Liz no one's doing that no don't do that by the way all seriousness if there's any devout muslim women knocking about and they're wearing the full burqa don't go up and go, hey, Queenie! That is going to be race hate. That's going to be prosecuted. I've seen that in court. And why did you do this? I thought it might be the Queen

listening to Adam and Dan. I listened to a podcast with these two lads and it seemed fucking made sense. Right, let's have a... I'll come back to the emails. They can be... We've got some to do, but it's just... There's too much magic in the air and we're not doing admin today today and we'll be back with lou comran um i need to go and put some fucking morphine gel on my shoulder it's new york fen but i'm calling it morphine gel bye felicia

swing what's that from come baby come baby baby come come baby come baby baby come you gotta give me lovin and you gotta give me some you gotta give me lovin and you gotta I slam the door when I come into the bedroom because I'm the king of the castle

nah nah nah just wearing that hoodie and that hat like that make you feel blacker than you are hell yes motherfucker y'all don't know me still same og but i've been low-key wow someone's had a fucking caffeine beverage haven't they you've had a carabao haven't you yeah of course this is starting to do my head in is it yeah well we've already had a good old chat about it oh i don't give a fuck does it ah hook your lids hook your lids now get your dick out one of my favorite bell whiffs comedies oh look i'm around all right how are you i'm all right

why are you wearing a brownie top um it's the gnarling saints and that's the, it's the Fleur de Lis. Yeah, which is the Bate and Pau logo for the brownies. Yeah, well I'm a big fan of the New Orleans Saints but I'm also a cub, former cub. Oh, I thought you were going to say a big fan. Were you in the Cubs? Oh, mate, I graduated Beaver Cum Latte.

Of course you fucking did. That was your name on the circuit when you were single. Beaver Cum Latte. Feed the pigeon, you were single. Fever cum latte. Feed the pigeon. Feed the pigeon. You're done, pal. What's fever cum latte? Because it sounds like a way to make a woman squirt.

Have you never made a woman orgasm in Costa? Have I never made a woman orgasm in Costa? That's how you get a fever cum latte. I've never made a woman orgasm in... You've never made a woman orgasm, Adam, have you? Oh, we've gone straight in. We've gone straight in. We don't say...

Yes, I have. Yeah. No, you haven't. Yeah, loads, like 72 times. Like, every time, she's like... Thanks. Good. Imagine if you...

Imagine if when a good woman did have her Blossoming. Orgasmic sensations, there was a little sound. That would be great, wouldn't it? It is sometimes. What? A funny fart.

No. That is a separate air-based issue, isn't it? No. Lou, let it out. This is the place to do it. As a woman, sometimes, well, I was going to say lady,

but that's never... Speaking as a woman. Speaking as a thing with a vagina that's fully functioning sometimes, although it's been a very long time, but I can't really commit to it. I have been prone to make noises in the mouth downstairs area when a sassage has been plummeting its way forthwith.

Plummeting? Yes, and it's quite a deep cavern, Adam. Plummeting, plummeting. You plummet to your death. And many have, Adam. Many have. Every morning there's Chilean miners coming out going

Hello, let us out. I've had to have the time team round to do an archaeological dig to find out whether there's any debris. The amount of times I wake up with Tony Robinson near my vagina. I love a bald rake.

Great. So you do you're a bit now here's my understanding of fanny farts. Often happen nothing to do

with the orgasm. Hey call me a layman right. I don't think I've ever had the sausage to cause many fart de fannies.

Oh I'm sorry. Flirt de fannies. But if they now I've watched some internet based cinematography with some boom brothers

and there is some blown up there some brothers and then yeah and there is

it's a it's physics yeah there's a space and there's some air in the space and then a immovable object yes

it's like when you get a drippy cop what's it called a cop stop a drippy cock cop what's it called a cock stop a drippy cock stop right is it there's a it's an unfortunate turn of phrase as an analogy when we're talking about cock going into that area but you know when you get a drippy tap yeah and then sometimes it's because there's an air bubble in it and you need to extract that air bubble. Right.

But because there's been a lot of on and off and pumping off there, then the air gets trapped. Are we talking about plumbing us? It's like unblocking a sink, the Fanny Farts, isn't it? Because you put a lot of air into it and then it all comes out at once and it drags whatever's in there with it.

See, I have the kind of penis... It drags whatever's in there with it. Right. Didn't know it was going to be a sexy podcast See I I did How romantic is that Alright pal Yeah the fucker's slinging that up her

And it drags whatever's in there with it Fucking hell pal I love you Linda Fucking Hang on a minute Where's my slippers gone Fucking dragged them in there. I've got the kind of penis where air can stay in there with my penis.

My penis goes in and the air's like, all right, mate, plenty of room. Keep going. Keep it going. Keep it going. And you're done, pal. And then there are some dicks where it's just like, yeah, that's what I'm saying

well do you know in your defence Dan I've never seen your sussage right you've heard rumours neither have I you know even after nine months of podcasting

he hasn't got it out yet well good but what I was going to say was not now we're on YouTube Adam let's be generous with the sussage and perhaps say that in your past

maybe you've slung it up some tunnels so there would be air around it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been involved with some fucking Euro tunnels, mate. Foreign people. Big French birds. No way.

With the big boobies. Oh, the amount of tunnels I saw at that French exchange. Je m'appelle Daniel. Je vais... Je vais... I don't think I've ever been with a Calvinist fanny. What? I honestly thought you were going to say French girl.

We were going to go for a nice little cultured jaunt around Europe and instead it's just big old fanny. Great. I've never saw... Is it me that's brought this out of you? Is it... Oh, yeah, yeah. Normally this is...

This is normally... Oh, so clean. Is it? Oh, yeah, yeah. Normally this is... This is normally... Oh, so clean. Is it? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're mainly sort of societal issues. Hey, did I tell you about my friend? I'll change her name to... Karen.

She, her labia on the inside, the flappy bits. Who's such a child. Labia. Is it not Labia? Fuck off. I know my lips. Not my lips.

It's my friend Karen's. Labia. Labia. Labia. Labia. Labia. Yeah. Libia.

Labyrinth. Libia. Libia is down there sometimes. And hers are really long. She can pull them like a Venetian blind. And they slowly... Oh! Sorry.

You're getting distracted by your own flap story. Yeah, but because when I worked at London Zoo, right, anyway... Hang on. Long story. No, no, no. No, can we just park for a second? Because you've gone from labias to wildlife very quickly. So when I worked at London Zoo, I worked next door to the elephants.

Do elephants have flaps? Yeah. And when a lady elephant has a wee her flaps unravel like a like um venetian blinds and then and then after the wee it takes them ages to slowly retract and that's my mate Karen basically and then they go so this happens when she wheeze no the elephant no the elephant that happens

when the elephant wheeze did you just watch elephants pissing when you went to London Zoo oh it's fascinating as if you wouldn't

I'm telling isn't there something like massively funny about the idea of Lou in a uniform with a name badge oh I wasn't in a uniform I was in the nativity

look at the size of her flaps I was in the nativity. Look at the size of her flaps. I was in the nativity. I did the nativity. Sorry, you were a performer. I was the innkeeper's wife. Right. So at the zoo they did a performance. You were in the zoo nativity? Yeah. In London Zoo they have a nativity

every Christmas and I was the innkeeper's wife in the children's zoo next to the elephants and me and a man who was the innkeeper's wife in the children's zoo next to the elephants and me and a man who played the innkeeper oh it's oh my god what a horrific job we had two mannequins

that looked like Richard and Judy and to play Mary and Joseph and we had hip flasks and after that well we'd just get because it was fucking freezing

because it was winter so is this like a zoo based panto almost like no it's a walk around. But you were booked for the whole season. It's behind you! No, there's a monkey!

It's behind you! No, seriously. He's out of his cage! Fucking Jaguars out. But we used to, because it was really like tedious because people are pricks. And so we'd have like a hip flask and get a little bit tipsy. And at the end of the day, what they'd do is they'd blow a klaxon, like...

to close the zoo, right? And so after a while, me and him were like... pissed on the hip flask. And then they shut the gates and I fell off the gates to Bethlehem. And then I twisted my ankle so badly I had to go to hospital and they said, how did this happen? And I was pissed and I said, I fell off the gates of Bethlehem. And there was a psychological assessment involved.

And I had to say, no, no, no, really. I fell off the gates of Bethlehem. And then they called my boyfriend at the time and they had a word with him. And I had to sit in a dark room for several hours. She's talking about donkeys, Jesus, Mary and Joseph

said they were all there. Elephant flaps. She keeps talking about elephant flaps. Have I told you that I was in my school when I was in nursery? What were you,

Mad-Eye Moody? Yes. Years before Harry Potter. Years before Harry Potter was written written they wrote that character into the nativity of my nursery do you know it's it's lou and brennan have come and done the eye bands yeah in it it's not you get nervous about it don't you you're like oh is that gonna upset my podcast friend i don't know i just feel like i just he's adam and it's all right no it's fine it's just because you because you feel relaxed with him

and Brennan did the same thing. It's the people who are really close with him are like... Have I never called you Mad-Eye Moody? Because you're a nice person. Not a bit swat. I blame the coffee. I don't think that's the first time you've called me. It's not, is it?

No. Go on, what year are we talking? I was like three or four years old no what yeah so what we 96 95 so it's 95 so great season for nativities 95 6 wasn't harry potter written then no oh no mad eye moody's not till like you know prisoner of azkaban isn't it is he yeah goblet of fire is it is it fire great there we go he loves words and wizards. I was the only speaking part of the school nativity. I was the innkeeper. And all I had to say was,

no room, go away. Right? Now, I was dead nervous. I don't really remember this. I do a little bit, but I was so young. But I remember just briefly talking to my dad, going, I'm the only one who's got to say it. And I'm dead nervous.

And he was like, just say it. And if you mess it up, it doesn't matter. We all love you anyway. We're all coming to support. And I'm only three years old, but I've got that memory. I've got a video of this. I'll try and find it. I'm going to slide it in if I can find it.

It's on a tape in my dad's. So the nursery woman who ran it, I don't want to call her a teacher because she wasn't. She went to, she's, no, no. And then she goes, and Mary and Joseph came to the inn and the innkeeper said, and I go, no room, go away. And then look right down my dad's camera and go, I did it. Yes, absolutely nailed it.

How are you the, was it, there's like a narrator, one of the nursery nurses was a narrator and they just decided, listen, Adam's showing serious ability here. We need to give him this one line. Yeah. Adam's showing serious signs of... Disability. Disability.

We'll give him this. Let's make him feel better. We know the road ahead is not going to be easy. I don't think you were given that line. No room! No room! There is no, could you imagine if you don't there is no room in the end go away i um i want to talk about karen's flaps yeah so what what makes karen's flat because the elephant

pisses and it does that what happens for karen's flaps to i would imagine pretty much the same when she's weighing she can pull them down and they look like chewing gum. You know when you pull a piece of chewing gum? Has she shown you that? She has. I've also drank her breast milk. What? No, I believe her.

There's no reason. It wasn't funny enough to make up a lie. It was just a weird oddity of truth. Hang on. When you say drink it... Out of a cup. Out of a cup. Oh, God. Hang on. When you say drink it, do you mean... Out of a cup. Oh, God.

I didn't suck it from a tit. No, but I mean, like, you could test the babies. You can test... Like, when you're about to feed the baby, you text the temperature. I don't mind a little lick of it. So you had a glass of breast milk.

Well, that's boiling, that. I ate it. What temperature's your tit? No, but you... Oh, that's scalding. Fucking hell, Karen. You need to cool your tits down. Some women do like a week's worth, don't they? And put it in the fridge.

She's got massive tits. Hers was like a week's worth. I didn't drink it all. I just stuck my tongue in the cup. What? Just to say you have. That's worse than drinking it. You were just like...

You were licking the milk out? Yeah. Oh, God. She's not going to make a white russian is she oh this is lovely have you got any vodka do you know i'd love a white russian um no and because it's like you know it's daisies isn't it just just to say you have my tip milk and i'm stupid i'm very gullible I'll do it just daisies I love it that adults are

still like no daisies I fucking dare you drink me tip milk you knobbed come on who wants a cappuccino why is it always

scouts for you too because you're the most scouts person in the world to be fair your scouts accent is getting better but it's still I can

still tell you're not from Liverpool I know you can do like that wasn't then no because I've not seen you for a long time. But you can. Like, if I spend an hour and a half, if we do a gig together,

and, like, lose comparing, and we're together all night. She's a performer. Yes. You don't play the innkeeper's wife at London Zoo for a season without having some fucking ability. I also just say

that I gave my Aretti from The Borrowers at the Leeds Grand Opera House. Oh, I remember the reviews, darling. Yes, well, unfortunately, the matinee performance had to get cancelled because I'd had a backlog and I... A what? A backlog and I... A what? A backlog. You needed a poo?

Yes, I single-handedly blocked the old Grand Opera House toilets and Dino Rod had to come out and plunge and the matinee couldn't go ahead because the toilets... So while I was giving my own... I'm sorry, boys and girls girls the performance cannot go on ariati has shat the toilet into fucking dysfunction i sell toilets though isn't it the plumbing was oh yes the old toilets literally so i've got a little question that i could do with both your help with guys so because i'm you know like dan knows you don't know yet, our listeners know. I've got undiagnosed, but definitely real IBS.

Yes. Right? Like, it would be a very quick interview with the doctor. He'd be like, yeah, yeah, you've got a problem there. Yes. So, if I need a poo, I'm going for a poo. Yes. And I paint the bowl, and...

Wear a dino rod. Do you have those ones because I have IBS as well and sometimes I can't tell whether it's a wee or a poo and then I think oh my god

I'm pissing lumps and then I go oh it's poo I don't know why I'm single I don't think you will be I can tell when I'm having a wee because it tends to be coming out of me dick

oh god yeah yeah sorry yeah god do sometimes wee out me by molo yeah guys I can tell when I'm having a wee because it tends to be coming out of me dick. Oh, God, yeah. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. God, sorry. Do sometimes wee at me, Bomolo. Yeah. Guys.

I shut up. I shut up my back in Mexico on holiday. We went to the pyramids in Mexico and I was like, I'd had really bad food poisoning. And the whole coach journey there, I was like, what is that smell?

And my mate Susan, I was like, I can smell shit. It's disgusting. This country stinks. And she was like, and then we got up to the top of the hill and I was like I can smell shit it's disgusting this country stinks and she was like and then we got up to the top of the hill

and I was like seriously can you smell that shit and she was like well not as much as you can and then she went you've got shit up your back and I

you thought it was sweat shit's up your back yeah I'd blown off on the coach and it got and you thought it was sweat I thought it was sweat? I thought it was Mexico.

I just thought Mexico stank of shit. And I was like, why is it wherever I go, all I can smell is shit? And then she was like, you've got shit up your back. This country is disgusting and the people are very unfriendly. Every time I walk past, they're like, aye, aye, aye. Right, I'm having a bit of poo anxiety and I want some help. And the fact that you've got IBS means you might be able to help me with this. How long have you suffered with her for a while?

Forever. Right, so, look, right. Recently single man, yeah? Might, you know, at some point end up, you know, back in a girl's house or somewhere. Not giving her an orgasm. Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed, maybe. Yeah, hopefully.

Hopefully. And let's say she's got a studio apartment you know what I mean the dream so it's they're like hotel rooms with a toilet aren't they hang on

studio apartment yeah the dream just a fucking bedroom with a toilet is she at college no no no this isn't a person

I'm just I'm getting it's an en suite flat I'm having anxious thoughts like let's say I go back somewhere like that Right It's not happening

But I keep like Running through scenarios In my head Fingers crossed Right Might soon So what if Let's say I'm in there

Right In the room Yeah I've been in here And now we're having a cuddle Lovely And I'm like I need a poo

You've had a little You know I need a poo Yeah Now I've been in this Back when I was single before I've been in this, back when I was single before, I've been in this situation. This is why it's in my head.

Right. Because I started to think about, like, my previous conquests after I became single. And I was like, there's times where, right, so this happened a few years ago. I was in a girl's flat, a studio flat. Yeah. And I needed a poo.

So what I did was I was just like it was like one o'clock in the morning and I was like I really really just fancy a Diet Coke

you just needed it yeah you know when you just need something specific that isn't in this studio apartment so I was like do you want a Diet Coke

and she was like yeah I'd love a drink could I get like a Fanta and I was like I'll go and get us one from like one of the takeaway shops right

so what I did was I went to a nightclub just queued up got in had a shit and then went and got a diet coke and a fanta from a chippy and then went back she knew she was not the wiser i went for a shite and now i'm thinking imagine i end up in that same situation with this new social socially distanced thing and everywhere is shut at 10 o'clock. I can't just go and shit in the streets at 1 o'clock in the morning. Do you know what you need to do? You need to pre-empt this by digging holes outside

and having bags of straw and wet wipes so that you can go outside have a bag with some fizzy drinks in it outside maybe in a cool box or a recycling box. Yeah, look, I'm talking about, like, let's say I meet a girl on a night out. How am I going to know where she lives?

Do you want me to stalk women? Yes, I do, yes. Before. It wouldn't surprise me if you've not done that before, Adam. How dare you? Do you want to come back to mine, love? Yeah, let me just bring my box. Oh, yeah.

You've got a picnic, kind of. Maybe you could have, like, one of those usher box. Oh, yeah. You've got a picnic, kind of. Maybe you could have one of those usherette boxes with you whenever you go out so you've got everything you need. Imodium. Take Imodium. That's what you need.

Isn't that for period pains? What? No, it stops you shitting, you idiot. How don't you know what Imodium is of all Mr. Shit? It stops you popping. Oh, I didn't know that. You can take Imodium instantly.

I've just seen the advert where the women look happy I just assumed it was a period advert he's literally been escaping properties going into nightclubs paying at the door

getting fucking putting his coat in doing his shit I paid for 10 pound poo once oh my god 15 pound poo I got me fucking money's worth just wear a nappy

just wear a nappy on a date these are all terrible suggestions no but the Imodian's not when you're talking to a girl And she's like Oh Adam

I really like you And you're like Well I'm newly single But maybe I'm ready to You know have a tryst And she's like Oh I'm so into it I listen to that podcast

And you know Dan's married So you're the next best thing I want you to come back to mine And just give me the old You know The old The old And your dumb pal

Right And then you go Yeah that's it baby There's one question Do you have a you know, the old, and you're done, pal, right? And then you go, yeah, that's it, baby. There's one question. Do you have a, do you have like a corridor between living room and bathroom? And how wide is your U-bend? Yeah, just be like, make sure.

You can't be about to take a girl by hand and ask her how wide is your U-bend. Why not? You've got to do your thorough research. You've got to do your thorough research. Have dino rod on speed dial. But also, I think you need two doors between smeller and smell. Imagine bringing Dino Rod out to a bird's house.

You've just got to. Yeah. Do you know what? I went to New York last year. Shut up. I won't. And me and my mate Tanya, Saturday night, Sunday morning, Stamna, right?

We stayed in this hotel room and lucky we knew each other because the room was there. Oh, a bed here. Glass wall, toilet. Glass wall, toilet. Yeah, but isn't there a switch to frost it? No. Wow. I think there is and you didn't find it, you know. You can't just be pouring through glass. Well, but isn't there a switch to frost it? No. Wow.

I think there is and you didn't find it, you know. You can't just be pooing through glass. Well, we did. We had to. Look away! Look away, Tanya! Look! Oh.

Is there like a button then? There's a button that frosts it up so that you can have a shite. You're not just meant to look at your best friend. You're not meant to look at your partner pooing. Just breathe in the window This is how you Yeah You should have just breathed

Or if you couldn't find a glass Or just smeared it with shit Oh god She's as gross as you This is how you know the size of all your mates flaps Because you don't know how to work walls And the shower was over the toilet So we have to have a shower.

I mean, we got to the point where we'd be sticking our nipples to the window. We were very close. You were sticking your nipples to the window while you were shitting? No. No! Don't be disgusting, Adam! I'd done my poo-poo, and I'd washed off the buttocks, and then I'd... Yeah, that's because you're amazed, though, isn't it and I'd washed off the buttocks and then I'd

yeah that's because you're mates though aren't you? do you not think to Adam's point though it is good if you meet someone you're an adult now let's not pretend it's like my old bit about what's the point of pretending it's all nicey nice let's just be like I'm Adam Row

I shit explosively it's not good you love the man you love the disturbance in the force when i do a plop you know fine two or three dates in isn't it all right when you're like when you've been able to do the fucking personality so you want a drink should we go back to yours by the way i'm gonna paint your bathroom just got me wet wipes well you're not filming the 60s paint your bathroom oh no it was paint your wagon do you not think when you meet someone just get it all out oh yeah

absolutely absolutely you've got it right on the first conversation you're both mental no no no listen how old are you

28 well then fucking right when you get past that age when you're old like me you have to go

hello I fucking fancy you want to bang you oh that's nice isn't it oh did you know trees can talk can they hug a tree and let it go right and then if they go what the fuck are you doing you go you're not for me and if they go that's amazing you're the one for me yes there you go you've got to get it out there straight just just literally lay your cards on the smelly table specifically looking for serial killers yeah i mean it's an element of excitement in it no but i'm not being funny but that's the way to do it like you know when i was in australia and i stayed in a house with larry dean granted. Oh, he had Larry Dean on a couple of episodes ago. Oh, did you?

Granted, he likes it up there. Oh, no, he's the bread, not the toaster. Anyway, he's a homo sapien. But we didn't really know each other that well, but on the first day where we sort of met up and we were like, we're staying in this house together, it's just you and me, there's no kitchen, we have to wash up in the bathroom, I need to be aware

of what's going to happen. I did the whole, were you aware that lampposts could talk? Oh. Pfft. He laughed. He did it back.

I thought, this is going to be fine. What, Larry? Did you ever worry you were going to go into the bathroom to clean the dishes and he was going to be

getting sucked off by some Iranian man? An Iranian? Iranian. No. No. not an Iranian. So, hang on. Not an Iranian. I'm confused.

And if I'm confused, the listeners are confused. Yeah. You shared a house... In Perth with Larry Dean. As part of the Australian Comedy Festival. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they just bunged you into a house together.

We decided we were going to live together. But it's a very... Shared accommodation. Yeah. But there's no kitchen. There was no... I'm fucking't fucking furious there was no kitchen it was just a bathroom there was just a microwave on a cupboard and a bathroom so that would drive the cattle in the bath there's no kettle there was a kettle in the one of the rooms? Yeah. And lots of cockroaches. Oh, gross.

Yeah. And he's a real pussy because he can't do insects. Right. Can you? Well, I had to because he weren't fucking doing it. Oh, gross. Oh, fucking hell, Lee! Get in that spade and...

What is it about comedy festivals... There's belly comedy there as well? What is it about comedy festivals that's grim there's like there's like festivals where you're like we did glastonbury we had to shit in the field you expect it when you do edinburgh or like melbourne or perth you expect like a slightly higher standard of living we had a lovely house don't get me wrong it was lovely but the whole place was i wasn't aware that there would be as many cockroaches in Australia as there was. Right.

Maybe Matt, stop it being lovely for me. Yeah, I'd be weird with insects in Australia. Because spiders are not a fucking danger over there, aren't they? The ones over here are just like, hey, I'm chilling. But like in Australia, they're like. And over here they're like, what mate? Don't worry, I'm just a British spider do you know

for a second there I could do fuck all in Australian spiders like that I thought Steve Irwin was reincarnated because of you your knowledge of the spider species

was incredible there Adam yep did you have a good time in Oz I had a brilliant time I had a lovely time when was this was this last year no this was this year

so I got down I got home oh of course a oh of course before the lockdown so yeah what a fucking coming down to earth that is you know it was fine because like obviously we're always driving everywhere aren't we hours and hours and hours blah blah blah and so being in australia you're walking to the gigs and doing whatever lovely bit of sunshine relax a vu no cars that's the best thing about edinburgh i was just about to say that walking You're walking to the gigs and doing whatever. Lovely bit of sunshine, relax, eh, Vu? No cars. That's the best thing about Edinburgh, that.

I was just about to say that. Just the walking in the... Yeah. You can park your car up for a month and be like, oh, my favourite thing, my favourite year in Edinburgh, which was also, I think, my best show, but no one important seeing it. I lived, my show was at the Mash House.

Right in the middle. And my flat was literally the next door to the mash house and there were times where my show was at seven there was times when i woke up at quarter to seven because i'd like i had a heavy night the night before on the aisle and i was just like yeah i get up quarter to seven my flyers have done the job like on a saturday it's already sold out and you're like yeah i'll be fine I needed more time than that otherwise the start of the show would be like me

going that year as well I need a walk in you mentioned your accommodation having cockroaches and we got there that year

and Edinburgh's the worst for this is your accommodation not quite being what it looked like on the pictures now in real life when you get a flat

or you're going to live somewhere you go and view it a couple of times first don't you or especially, when you get a flat or you're going to live somewhere, you go and view it a couple of times first, don't you? Or especially if you're going to buy something, you're going to live somewhere for an extended period of time. And a month is a long time. But Edinburgh's notorious. There's a few fucking property companies

that were known for making things look better than they are and not necessarily putting the safety things in place. We turned up at our flat and there was just a smackhead leaning against our front door. So it was was just a smack head like leaning against our front door so it was in a block of flats and against our front door it with a blanket over them and i went you're like mate you went all right pal yeah but as if like yeah just step over me but that's that's all very well you had he was outside of your house uh one year i stayed with

angela barnes and juliet myers and we walked into the flat and the bed was still warm because somebody had heard the key going and they'd fucked off. The beds were still warm and the whole place had that smell of boy asleep. All the clothes were still in the wardrobe. The windows were propped open by skateboards. I tapped the radiator

to see whether we could have any heating. The whole thing fell off the wall. All I've heard there is free skateboards. I tapped the radiator to see whether we could have any heating. The whole thing fell off the wall. All I've heard there is free skateboards. Jesus Christ. You get, I mean, you weren't paying top whack for that, were you? Yes. Fucking, the Edinburgh Festival, if you don't know,

is a weird combo of like some private residencies going oh, we'll go away for the month of August. It's Berdlam in town anyway. We'll go away. And they make about two and a half grand. And then some students subletting, which they're not really meant to do,

which is just that like, oh, fucking hell, yeah, just try and make. We'll go on holiday and we will give our two bedroom house that we pay 400 pounds a month for to this person who is poor. And that will be 77,000, please. We're going to go to the Maldives, all inclusive, for a month. Aye, we won't stay.

Horrible festival. We'll stay there. Never going back, you know. You don't. I'll go back for like a couple of days or maybe a week to get a tour show ready. I'm never doing the full month up there again. It can suck my pipe.

Yeah. Done with it. Yeah, it's just, it's a bit of a rigged game, isn't it? That's the problem. Loaded dice. It feels like it's becoming outdated by the internet. It's almost becoming borderline irrelevant. Look at what Mo Gilligan did.

Look at Mo Burnham. This podcast has done more for my career than my four solo Edinburgh shows have done. Yeah, and cost less money. Yeah. But back in the day, the very first time I went to Edinburgh, more for my career than my four solo Edinburgh shows yeah and cost less money yeah but the back in the day the very first time

I went to Edinburgh because I am really old Adam what a surprise 72 how old are you 46 are you really

yeah still going still fucking going still still got still got around safe the first year I went was 91

and then yeah who did you see not performing but Still got our own team. The first year I went was 91. And then, yeah. Who did you see? Not performing, but you weren't a comic in 91, were you? No, no, I did the... Wasn't 91 Frank Skinner's year? It was in and around there when he won the Perrier. I can't remember, but we were in the original Gilded Balloon on Cowgate, which is the dressing rooms are the mash house now.

So that bar in the mash house was our dressing room, which we shared with Vic and Bob. Come on. I know. And then the whole festival, progressively, the festival was the comedy festival was sponsored by Marlborough Lights. So it was called the Lighten Up Festival. And you would turn up and you'd so it was called the Lighten Up Festival and you would turn

up and you'd have I love the olden times people like fags sponsoring a festival do you know what though you'd get free fags so you'd I went to Edinburgh smoking a few fags maybe and every year for about

three or four years I went home with a 60 a day problem so what you would do is you'd find an old fag packet, like silk cut or whatever. As long as it had one fag in it, they would swap that for a full packet of Marlboro Lights. You never had to pay for fags. Oh, my God. It's mad that until like three or four years ago,

Embassy still sponsored the World Snooker Championship. Yeah. And then someone went, isn't there a bit of a problem that a sport is sponsored by the opposite of sport? Yeah. Let's get rid of that. But I do think this corona thing,

this corona thing, will do Edinburgh the fucking world of good. And I also think that maybe Edinburgh should maybe just be once every two years. Well, that's not going to happen though,

is it? It's not going to. It's worth too much money to people who make it's it yeah but it needs to reset to the to the way it was back in the day it can retract but it can't go off it can't go year on year off have you burped what you just burped i did yeah oh it smells like fucking tuna butties it's horrible what did you have have you had tuna i don't know or have you but i mean i love it we've just talked about his

terrible toilet tendencies i didn't shit on the desk i know but honestly the way you use words it smells like it it's so emotive i think i can smell your terrible poos just because you're like and then this happened yeah sorry about that just a little bit of wind. Oh. I wish I could summon them. My mum and dad played birds. It smells like flour. I can do them as often as... Watch. That's horrible.

How do you do it? It's been a really high class one today, hasn't it? Fanny lips and belch. Oh. That's going to set someone's misophonia off.

That's horrible. Yeah. You've nailed it. You've nailed it. My vulva's just gone dry. It really has. Don't do that when you're trying to woo the ladies. Bye-bye.

Turned his mic off. Thank you. Yeah, fucking rat. Oh, dear. I honestly don't think they can just... With Edinburgh, it's going to shrink because you can't have, you can no longer have 60 people in a room

that really should have no more than 30 people in. Like this year. With the walls, sweat and asbestos. This year had to go. Next year will not be the same. People's confidence in public spaces is going to be diminished, isn't it?

And so if some of these venues don't exist, it has to all just shrink in. I don't think that's a terrible thing and if then that has the knock-on effect of like the student unions and the pleasants going maybe we need to reduce these fees for performers and therefore the ticket price that would be pretty healthy wouldn't it that's not going to happen though is it do you not think because if they don't do that if they're like well there's less people, we'll have to increase the price. It might as well

just give up the ghost of being a proper comedy festival and just be like a Oxbridge, Cambridge, London-based industry thing, which it shouldn't be.

It should be for all performers from around the world in the British comedy circuit to come and show what they can do. I genuinely, next August, want to do the

Havoward Comedy Festival in Liverpool. Cool. I really do. And this is growing so quickly that I think we'll be able to do that. No problem.

We'll put like a weekend on maybe. Just have like solo shows staggered for today. Yeah. A weekend festival. Oh my God, that'd be good.

Can we get Lou and Larry a house with a fucking kitchen? We'll fucking sort you out. Can we get Lou and Larry a house with a fucking kitchen? I'll fucking sort you out. Me and Larry, we were slightly obsessed with doing the Ouija board. So we did the Ouija board in the house once. And we could do that live. We could do that live, right?

And then Larry... You did a Ouija board? Yeah, and then... Do you believe in this sort of stuff? Yeah, of course I do. Are you a bit Barry Dodsey? You're a bit ghosty? My mum's a...

Ghost. Mine too. Mine three. What's that, mum? Move on. Right. Stop eating tuna sandwiches. Right, will do.

Your mum's a what? She's talked to dead people. She sees dead people. You know what? I'm glad she's here because I know it is half spiritual but not really and you're sort of like... know what I'm glad she's here because I know it is half spiritual but not really

and you're sort of like no I'm not I don't believe in any of that shit but you believe there's something yeah since Everton when I crashed my car when I crashed my car

you text me and said that's your ma looking over your eye so you're not you're not 100% out of it give that more context do you mean when you survived yeah yeah when I survived the car crash

your mum made you crash your car yeah fucking nonce your mum's pissed off at you lad fucking wrapping you around the M6 that's your mum

looking down upon you and she drove you into safety what about the kid that died last week it's a nice thing to say innit I know

it's a fucking silly thing yeah mum was having a fag break like oh shit fucking Dave's dead god I was really fucking I just went for a big shit in heaven Yeah. Mum was having a fag break. Like, oh, shit. Fucking Dave's dead.

God, I was really fucking... I just went for a big shit in heaven. It was perfectly formed. I had IBS when I was alive. You get to heaven, you shit perfectly. And you can smoke. But your voice goes a bit fucking weird. I mean, I used to speak like a lady, but in heaven. Fucking burning money.

So I've had a few things like with that sort of whatever oh Jesus go on I'll give you go on do it I'll give you a reading if you like

yeah shut the front fuck up I should have bought my I've got sorry I'll erm

I'll come back I'll come back again oh is there no way we could do a reading now On the Have A Word Spiritual Podcast Can we do a cold reading Can you do it Can you do anything now

Can you like google tarot cards or something I need them physically here Oh shit I'll come back and I'll do your reading No do them now Let's read the sharpie pens Oh you're colour blind. Do you have to have the cards to read them?

Sometimes not. Sometimes. Read his eyebrows. That's freaking me out. Turkish. Are you really? Can you do anything right now? Is there anything you could do right now?

Well, not that you're staring at me. Sometimes I can. Sometimes I get little bits and pieces. Okay, so let me tell you a couple of things. So my mum used to go to psychics a lot. She liked them. And my cousin goes to them quite a bit. That's again over there.

So a couple of years ago, I had to move into my aunt into my aunties right because my dad's hat was ill and i couldn't be there for a bit so i lived in my aunties and one night i'd come back from a gig and i was sat on like the the way her couches were laid out was like so there's a couch here and a couch where you are and i just got this unbelievably overwhelming feeling that my mum was sat on the arm of that couch looking at me. I couldn't see her. There was no, like, I didn't hear anything. I just felt like my mum was looking at me and she was sat there and I can't explain it. And then my cousin went to a psychic. Now I, because I know people can learn to be psychics, like Tom Binns, who does character comedy, learned to be Ian de among for then about fucking three months and i know that you can learn it but what i can't get

me around is like future predictions so at the time my cousin went to him my cousin went to a psychic and she got told a family member of ours who at the time was in a mental hospital she was told uh he's going to be on a roof soon but don't worry he'll be okay and the next night this person got on the roof

of the mental hospital and was had to be talked at the very next day and I can't explain that so do you know what I mean no I can't and there's a couple of things

my mum got told that I can't really say on here that have come true as well have you got any roofers in your family what have you got any roofers in your family

yeah my uncle but it wasn't him. So, come on. This is interesting stuff because we... I love it. I'm open-minded. You're a complete stop in a dickhead. But you're...

Oh, total. Which, obviously, and I... There's a lot of things that some other... You know, I've seen a lot of weird things. But you have to logically try to give an explanation for something and if you can't then you get oh maybe that's something else i drank a bottle of rum the night i thought my mum was there yeah yeah i sucked off abraham lincoln but that was ketamine you as well

so your mum speaks to dead people. Is she like a clairvoyance? Is she a psychic? Yeah. Yeah. Do you not want to talk about it? Not really. I'll give you a reading.

I'll do it properly. Oh, you big read tease. Yeah. You don't want to talk about it. You wouldn't do the reading on the podcast. I would do. I'd come back and do it properly. Okay.

So you can, when't do the reading on on the podcast i would do i'd come back and do it properly okay so you can when you do the readings you can you feel like you can speak to what is dead relatives or yeah sometimes it's just through the cards and sometimes people come and have a word have a word sorry mate if it honestly does it have to be tarot cards or can you use playing cards and Pokemon cards? Top Trump's part. My mum's better dead than yours. Can't you be like, right, Pikachu's deaf and then Bulbasaur means light. Can you not just assign them and then shuffle them? Yeah, you could go to someone's purse

and be like Mastercard, American Express, Visa, debit. I'm suspecting that you're really in debt. Burton. Yeah, I'm just getting a feeling like your finances are fucked. I'm feeling like Nando's all YouTube and meals.

You've got fucking three red chillies on this kid. Oh my God. So it has to be tarot cards. You can't just like use other ones And assign them things Not for me no So where do you think People are I mean

Adam's mum was on the But where is she This is my problem with it Yeah I like The I love dealing with The idea of it

But I want to know Honestly When people are like Just got a feeling Watching down And that they're there And then where they are Where are they

My mum is on a couch Watching Big Brother season one when a vodker can die of coke in her hand what a perpetual nightmare that must be

if that's Eternity that well she loved Big Brother but then it got a bit boring after like four or five yeah try try Eternity and she's like

god I'm on season one the year's 2375 the first one was won by a scouser called Craig he was a painter and decorator oh well then it'd be fine for eternity.

That's how Scouse people are. She's like one of ours. I never watched season two. Fucking Tories. Where are people, Lou? I don't know where they are. They're omnipresent, aren't they? Are they all around?

Yeah. And these people waiting to go to heaven, or... I don't know. Have they not been assigned, like, a... I really don't know, Dan. I don't know. This is where I get into it. This is where I get into it. This is where I get intrigued by it.

Because where was... You know, when you had your crash, if mum's looking down, where was she? On the roof. She was on the roof. On the roof of the car. The whole family's on the fucking roof.

Shit. I had this one thing. I was... Been gigging a lot, and then I had a full-time job at the time, and then I had... Anyway, busy week, and then I was in gigging a lot and then I was had a full time job at the time and then I had anyway busy week and then I was in the car and I was going to Tanya's wedding

and then I was knackered and I'd finished work Friday night M6 in the middle lane on the motorway I fell completely asleep whilst driving and just gone. And this does make it sound a bit weird.

And I'm aware of that. I'm sounding bonkers. But my phone rang, and the screen was completely blank, and it just rang and rang around, and it woke me up. And as soon as I woke up, it stopped. And I was just going under the wheel arch of a lorry, like a foreign lorry that had no guard. Oh of a lorry a lot of foreign lorry that had no guard oh my god yeah a foreign lorry a foreign lorry that had no coming over here killing our

fucking sleeping women yeah but i was like that somebody's definitely looking after me there because the phone's ringing and you know you it's got a there was nothing on it it just rang yeah how few would you be if you'd have answered i don't know like so have you been miss old ppi wow yeah yeah now did it definitely ring or did you just wake up no it was there a missed call ringing and ringing and uh yeah there was a missed call but no there was nothing oh god i haven't got an explanation for that. No. Have you got...

But that doesn't mean ghosts and spirits exist. No, but have you not got anything where you're like, oh, what was that? What happened there? I think there is nothing more fucking terrifying than the idea that the dead can watch the living. There have been, on estimate, can watch the living.

There have been, there have been, on estimate, a hundred billion humans alive, ever, that have died. That are all watching you wanked down. That's a hundred billion dead humans, from Homo sapiens,

to Cleopatra, to Abraham Lincoln, King Henry VIII, my mum, your mum, all watching me wank off to some horrible shit. No, they can only watch you if they knew you. That's not true.

That's the most made up rule I've ever known. That's not true. Bullshit. Henry the 8th is like, ooh, it's a young girl to do and your mum's like... Henry the 8th is not interested in watching you crack one out. That's what your ma might be. But how... The idea that the dead

can watch is fucking horrible when you're like, hello, everyone. Maybe they can only watch stuff that isn't a sin. What? Maybe that's what sins are. How sneaky Catholic are you? He's ranking a sin. Yeah.

Oh, I'm a sinner. Oh, it's a disgusting little sin. I'm a sinner. Oh. That, honestly, is one of the things that freaks me out the most. I don't even mind if there's a heaven and hell. I'll deal with the entry to that later on. Oh, you're not going to heaven.

You're going to hell. No, I don't think so. Oh, you are. Oh, no, I don't think so. You are. Oh, I've played it. I am. I can't bear being cold.

I can't bear being cold. Is heaven cold? Oh, I suspect so. But if I'm put in front of a bit of fresh air or a fire, I'm going to sit by the fire. I love it. I'll tell you what fresh air or a fire, we're going to sit by the fire, aren't we? I love it. I'll tell you what about hell.

It's a fucking nightmare. I'm constantly getting things stuck up my bum. But be honest, it's cleared a lot of my IBS, and I don't have to play for central heating. So eternal torture doesn't seem so bad, because Eon are a bastard for the fucking heating bill. We spoke about this in an early episode. The idea of heaven and hell doesn't make any sense,

because the devil is going to like the people who God doesn't like and he wouldn't punish them. Doesn't make any sense, does it? Yeah. He'd punish the good people, wouldn't he? Why would he be fucking shoving pineapples up people's asses just because they pissed God off? So did he. He's a knobhead, isn't he?

Does the devil do that? Yeah. Is there going to be pineapples? He's meant to be an arsehole, isn't he? The devil... If you go to hell, whatever your idea of torture is, they do it. That's the medieval idea, isn't it?

So a pineapple of the bum is not for everyone. I'll just be on the phone to Sky having to change my package. Oh my God. Imagine if that was your hell. It would be. It just would be. I'd rather be fucking dry bummed by fucking... What would yours be?

Mine would be Downton Nabi on repeat. No. Period. You'd get into that. A fucking... What, the same episode then? Oh. Just try and...

Having to cancel a subscription or, like, just take the HD channels off, like, the amount of fucking... Yeah, just wait a minute for us and then they'll play, like, a fucking... Like, a song that you like, but, like... Like, you know, a song that's, like a song that you like, but like, like,

you know, a song that's like an earworm that you do like, but like, it gets fucking boring fucking quickly. Yeah. Dan, what's your, what's your-

Mambo number five. Imagine just Mambo number, which is quite, you know, little bit of Monica in my, imagine that on repeat for 24 hours. Well, here's the irony.

One of my ideas of hell is being surrounded by Christians. So how does that fucking work? Someone's got to take an L for the team there. And listen, guys, you've made it to heaven. But we've got this particularly annoying little atheist fucker who's down there in hell. Can't really be doing with groups of Christians.

So every day we're going to have to send six or seven of you down to hell just to piss him off. I mean, how does that work? Exactly. Just naughty Christians. That was so terrible. Naughty Christians. off i mean how does that work exactly just naughty christians naughty christians my idea of hell would be watching people with no teeth gum their way through a steak and i say that because my dad lost his teeth in lockdown and he's not been able to get them replaced and sitting opposite him in a restaurant as he gums his way through a ribeye, is one of the most horrific things I have ever witnessed in my entire life.

And if I had to sit through that hour after hour, because it took him hours. How does that even work? How does he even order a ribeye? You're like, Dad, you've got no teeth. Get a fucking fromage frais. You cannot challenge my dad, because he will just plough on in.

And he softened that meat with his gum. Oh, my God. What does he just like gullet it like a pelican? Just soften it. Just soften it. Just soften it. Oh, yeah, that's my hell. That's partly my hell.

Is your dad a Christian? If you've got no teeth, shut the fuck up and have a soup. Hey! Rib eye soup. No, i don't like listening to people eating in at all i've got that real yeah so that would be oh my god oh my god can i add can i add to my hell list my dad peter nightingale yes early 90s sunday dinner yeah pnpn um he used to eat his Sunday dinner. I've never heard volume come from a man who was eating with his mouth closed.

Oh. Yeah. And you know you want to go, close your mouth, and you're like, oh my God, it is closed. How the fuck is it that loud? Have you ever eaten dinner with... Can you bleep names out? No. Oh, okay.

Have you ever eaten dinner with somebody that I will tell you afterwards? Oh, this is... I'll just say it. Go on, say it. I can't bleep it. I can't. We're not.

I'll forget. Go on, who is it? Sorry. Just say it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And what you get is... and what you get is I've got such a good Alex Borman impression yeah

so how many dinners have you had with Freddie what's the point not saying his name if you're going to nail it and you know my favourite word Dan masticating that's it's just awful yeah that's going to go on my And you know my favourite word, Dan? Masticating. It's just awful. Yeah, that's going to go on my... That's going in my hell.

Just the noisy eaters is fucking horrific. It's honestly just being on the phone. Because if they're like that with their dinner, what are they like in the sack? Do you know what I mean? I think my hell would involve the Mersey Flow Bridge just next to Runcorn as well. There's something that winds me up so massively about that bridge.

Is it about paying to go over it? It's paying afterwards kills me. Absolutely kills me. And Jews. I'll just remember he's got to pay because he drove us over. I'm not allowed to drive. Shall we have a break? I think so because we're a wee bit over schedule

Yeah but it's just going to be a lot Sorry I've just been chomping on We don't put time limits on these It just means it's going to be a long episode But our listeners like that shit Let's have a word from one of our glorious sponsors So we've got a brand new sponsor today, guys. It is Manscaped.

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two mics two lids and a lot of time on their hands this is have a word are you ready Adam Rowe comedian born ready mate Luke Conran are you ready, Adam Rowe, comedian? Born ready, mate. Luke Conran, are you ready? I am ready. She is very good at this voice.

Which accent are you doing? Is that East Anglia? Am I right? Oh, it is Bedfordshire. Oh my God, you're so good at Bedfordshire. That's what we always say on this podcast. If you don't specify where it's meant to be from, is it a problem?

Shit. Eh-eh. Eh-eh. I'm from Luton. Do you know the Eshan episode when he went, eh-eh, the amount of people that I know, not like listeners,

like my mates who watch it have gone, oh, that bit got me. Eshan Akbar doing a Nigerian bus driver and starting it yeah it was oh don't specify but no we literally told them to do it oh Lou might be good for our game you know

in a bit I think we need a rejiggle on that game because I think we made it too fucking hard I reckon if it's ever going to work it's with Lou for the love of god I think we made it too fucking hard. I reckon if it's ever going to work, it's with Lou. I reckon, for the love of God, I think we need to just simplify it. So for next time you're on, Lou,

because it's so convoluted. I want to try it. And if it doesn't work, who cuts it out? Give it a go. Do you want to play the game? Yeah, go on then. Because Lou's an actor, you've got to remember. I think we just need to make it, can you do the accent?

No. It's not as fun. This it, can you do the accent? No. It's not as fun. Give me me box. I think the adjective needs to go. Yeah, that's what I mean. He's fucking... No, shut up. You're both wrong.

A mournful. So this is, you're coming in for an audition. Okay. And the role I want you to play is a water slide attendant. Yes. Right? Countries? Yeah. to play is a wall slide attendant yes right yeah from it takes the shuffle

very seriously doesn't it like it's like boring India I can't do that that's terrible oh is it

we are terrible though who's crying it's the fucking adjective a crying Indian water slide attendant it's always the

adjective that makes it weird go on if you can do this do I have to do the accent no yes you do

of course you do I mean if you can somehow get across that they're indian in another way then feel free to however you won't be the first person to do an indian accent on this podcast so you're not gonna get all the fingers do it oh my god is it my turn to go down the slides why are you crying okay why as why are you upset do you think that's indian no oh i'm not the indian oh sorry i'm a customer i want to go down the slides it's my turn give me the dinghy i do not want you to go down the slide. So good.

Why can't I go down the slide? No, no, no, no, no. Somebody had a very bad accident on the slide and I cannot allow you to go down. I thought I could smell shit. Who put on this slide? I'm not entirely comfortable with this. I tell you what, though.

You're very good. Do you know, he tried to throw himself on the political correctness grenade by doing an African accent, which made an Indian... Jordi, your... Jordi. Jordi. Your...

That was a very good voice. You really got into it. I... I don't want to do this anymore. I feel a little bit uncomfortable. But... You are good. I don't necessarily

think that it is very good I have mucked myself an American painter and decorator you fucking love painting and decorating you know who is lost emotionally hey y'all who is lost emotionally.

Hey, y'all! Oh, God, I'd love to paint your bathroom, but I don't know how to. I got a brush, I got some paint. Oh, I'm in a hotel in New York York and I just discovered there's a button you can press to frost out your glass while you're having a shit well that's all well and good

but I want to go down this line very well done guys beautifully done shall we crack on Oh is he making me do more Take the win You had a win The gay porn fluffer

Gay porn fluffer Oh no He's picking a special isn't he This is for Carl No it isn't special, isn't he? This is for Carl. This is phenomenal. No, it isn't. No, it isn't. I think this FA Cup draw is rigged. The balls are hot.

I don't know if you can tell. A surprised German Chris Akabusi lookalike. Yes! Can we sellotape those together finally you've just met Chris Akabusi

for the first time so I'll be Chris Akabusi who okay Rouse what um

I will what is that nine oh Rouse! What? Awuga! What is that? Nein! Oh! I'm so surprised to meet you! Chris Acabusi? Now do your voice, Adam.

Now do your voice that you've done for the last two. What is it? It's catchphrase. It's catchphrase is awooga awooga no no no that's John Fashnew oh god

that's a problem upset me nasty bitch no do a TV personality at the same time right so oh yeah yeah that's what you mean

and Chris Akabusi awooga you look so fucking similar to me mate are you what Chris Akabushi lookalike Ausgang Yes

I am Sid What is happening Podcast gold Lou Is it Do you know I'm inclined to agree with Dan That that bit doesn't really work for me. It's so hard. It's so hard.

It's like I get anxious. Oh, dear. Oh, my God. Sorry if I've offended anyone. If you've offended anyone, then they haven't listened to any other episode. Oh, okay. Great. Woo. then they haven't listened to any other episodes. If you'd have done the African voice for the actual Chris Akabusi,

I'd have had to have a little walk in the car park. I'd have had to walk that one off. I think I might have believed that someone was watching down. What have you got? We've got some would you rathers. This is a staple of, you know, we built this house on would you rathers. Okay. We haven't done loads recently.

Did you do them last week with Paul? I did some with Paul and Glenn, yeah. Did some classics, though. Oh, the classics. All right, fellas, this is from James. It says, would you rather have to shave all your hair off, your entire body, on the day of every World Cup final, or you have to volley the nearest object to you?

For example, you would have to volley your phone across the room every time you sneeze. Cheers, James. So you have an affliction, yeah? You have to choose one of these afflictions. Either it's full, shiny, dolphin, smooth shave once every four years on the World Cup final, or every time you sneeze, something's getting fucking volleyed.

You're literally half-volleying something into a wall. I'm shaving me. I'd shave my hair off, wouldn't I? Honestly. Of course I fucking would. I'm not going to... My phone's expensive. I'm going to take you off 15 minutes.

I could do it now quite easily. Yeah, so could die. Do you know the hairiest bit of me? Oh, no. It's my toes. Really hairy toes. Hairier than your head. Oh.

Well, apart from that bit. But, you know, can you imagine if this was on my toes? Yeah. It'd be weird that you were dyeing your toe hair. That would also be a little bit oh well this is i'm becoming hairier and hairier i need to start getting my back waxed rather than shaved because it's growing back in abundance and it grows like a map of the world it's patchy as fuck and it's like africa america asia we are the world the ocean there's kids

holding hands like we've got to save the world it looks like there's been a forest fire. I waxed an ex-boyfriend's back once and I pulled a mole out at the root as well. And I squished it back in with a bit of the wax and held my finger on it and held it until it sort of sealed. And then he rang me a couple of days later in a panic going oh I think I've got cancer

my mole's fallen off in the shower because I didn't tell him that I'd done that did you ever tell him maybe I'll just stick to shave and you're going to have to get on board but that lad

you're going to have to do it for me just for context Adam recently single doing alright getting through asked Carl for a back shave and Carl did it as a friend

what? in my bath this homoerotic thing, it's lovely you two should just bang you got your nips out in New York with your best mate it's the same deal isn't it there is that, but she didn't shave them she didn't shave her nips

have you ever had to shave her nips have you ever had to shave your nips no yeah that's it when i because i trim my i trim my body hair because i just think you can't have like a rug when you can't grow hair on your head you've got to trim other places as well yeah so this is easy for me i'd be like i'd whip it all off but you if without eyebrows quite a lot for me sir oh my god my God. I would love to shave you. I can't see the microphone. Wouldn't there be a little bit of OCD about you? Just love...

You're not as hairy on the tum-tums as you... You look like you're going to be hairier than that. The thing is, I didn't expect this today. I didn't expect the nudity today. Do not. I can get me baps out. So can I. But I choose not to. Get your toes out.

Do you know that on British TV, that the rule to show an erect penis is it can't be more erect than the Mull of Kintyre? You know the little dick at the top of the british isles that's what they measure it against the mole of kentire google it before you press it google it press it hang on you've got to make a decision right now on whether you press that button and the other day you didn't know about canaries in mines, right? Mm-hmm. How do you not know about canaries in mines? Because I've lived under a rock.

But, no, you've not. How do you know about the Dick Mull of Kintyre? Because I looked into it for reasons that will become clear. So it was an urban myth which has been denied. It's bullshit. It's on the BBC's website. Well, it's been denied by them. Yeah, but you can't tell that to a conspiracy theorist, can you?

That's what the Illuminati want you to fucking think. You cannot show an erect penis if it is more erect than the mole of Kintyre. That's made my day. And you can't show a vagina if it's bigger than whales. That's the other one. Oh, it's Channel 5. That's the other one oh it's channel five that's a channel five rule yes everybody watches shove your bell up your ass you rat but not too far if it's not

you know further than yeah mole yeah if it would be not caused as a sexy and if it's more about if it's less erect than a mulligan it'd be good to have that up there so then a lady, my good lady wife would know where my G-spot is. Like, oh, Dan, yeah, go on, Laura. Go on. Woo-hoo! If you were having sex with a lady and, you know, you started hitting a bell, would it put you off?

What? You know, if she'd shoved a bell up there and it got lost and then you were just, you were hitting the right hit. Just like... Literally. Just like, literally. Every time you fucking hear it, it sounds like someone's coming in your shop. Shut that fucking door!

Only two school children at once! Only two school children at once! What was that voice generic shopkeeper oh well it's time for i have a word you have a rhythm i think you're gonna be good at these though yeah because you're you're you know very considerate i don't know if i've ever told you this before. Oh, I'm very considerate, David. It says, Hi, Alan and David.

Please can you have a word with my ridiculous husband? During lockdown, while all the barbers were closed, I cut my husband's hair like everyone else had to. I'm fucking shit at it. I've never had to cut hair before. I work in a bank for fuck's sake. Now the barbers are open again. Yay.

Uh, no. He still asked me to cut his bastard hair. I love this woman. Making comments like, I want a two at the back, going into a three, blended in on the sides, et cetera, et cetera.

I am not a fucking hairdresser. Please, can you have a word and tell him to go back to the barbers or else the next cut will be a Dan Nightingale. Slightly pedo-y. Love you guys. That's from Jess. I'm going to say to Jess, this is what I have done to a previous gentleman caller.

Loosely gentleman. He liked me to bleach his hair for him. And it was not a job that I relished. So what I did was I pretended to put bleach on the top of his hair but I wrote the word cunt in bleach on the back of his head.

And that solved that. He never asked me again. So all she needs to do is get some clippers and write the word twat or cunt or See, the only thing i've ever done like that is when my ex asked me to do the dishes and i just did them really badly so she'd be like oh you were really bad at them you can't be doing the dishes and i was like oh no but i love doing the dishes that's not that's not quite as vindictive as a cunt in the back of your head

is it i mean that that by the way that is a great tactic as long as your partner loves you i have heard yeah to be like i've done it never set the bar too high once you've cleaned properly people know you can but this is a different level of fucking evil yeah oh i hated him but i was too much of a coward to dump him that's my issue so he self-esteem was he were dying his hair yeah in with peroxide yeah was this like m&m sort of era do you know all i took from that was when you were doing that the whites of your eyes showed oh they do all the time i've got undertaker eyes yeah it's terrifying isn't it so what i'm picking up on you is that you are lazy you don't help out around the house and you shit yourself on a regular basis i want to go out with you

have a word pod at gmail.com use the subject line i want to date out i am not lazy i do my stuff but the stuff i just don't like doing and then like yeah so i'm like have you ever had a partner do your hair because your hair is good i'll give you that there's a lot of it it's a little little bit Iranian, but you've got strong hair. I am. You can't DIY your, I can do mine. It's easy.

I, I would honestly, like during lockdown, I just yeti'd, didn't I? I just like let it grow because I would honestly, like I've had, it's actually come up

on my Facebook memories today. Weirdly, I will never go to another barber unless I absolutely have to or my barber dad or goes to prison or whatever. Then I'll go to, on his deathbed not on his deathbed on his deathbed mate mate i'm gonna miss you so much can you give me recommendations about other barbers but i went to a barber right i have to

slide this photo in so i went to a barber and then i hosted which i've mentioned before a huddersfield student union i'm sure we did the gig together at some point. I don't know whether you did it. Yeah. You did. So they did a comedy night, but then as part of Freshers Week, Huddersfield Student Union,

they were a comedy night, but then on the Friday, and I'm sorry if we've told this before, a bit repetitive, but they did like a music night, and they started asking me to host that as well. So I literally had to go on and go, ladies and gentlemen,

welcome the next band. And like they had some big head, sigma did it uh chasing status did it becky hill and there's been some big names on it and it's set out like a they hired a like the the land of a manor and they literally just ply me with ale they're like what ale do you want so i was like well i like sailor jerry's i like beer whatever so i turned up there's a bottle of sailor jerry's and a crate of peroni like that's your drinks whatever food you want and i was like well I like Sailor Jerry's I like beer whatever so I turned up there was a bottle of Sailor Jerry's and a crate of Peroni like that's your drinks whatever food you want and I was like this is fucking

that seems like a very professional rider one scouser 24 beers and a bottle of rum yeah I wonder what could go wrong do you know when he pooed his pants on the snare drum

that was probably our fault well I talked to my little brother one year because they paid for the hotel I was like can you just get me a twin room so my little brother come and we just had like a night out

essentially just like every fucking half an hour I had to go, that was them guys, this is these guys. And there's a photo of me and I just had my hair cut from my not normal barber.

Now I've got quite a lumpy head, right? And around the back, it takes a bit of fucking, you know, a bit of improvisation to get the cut right. So I'm stood on stage. Fuck.

And my arms are out like this. Take it easy. Right? My arms are out like this. And the photo is from behind me. So you just see the back of me with this unbelievable crowd of like a thousand students. And it's just a cool photo. And I've just seen the, like, all the lights are on me.

Right? Now, it's such a cool photo that you're just like oh that looks boss that so i just put it straight on social media now my bad haircut amplified by like the best lights in the world yeah it looks horrendous right and there's 175 comments on this picture and they're all from danny mclaughlin daniel sloss kai humphries and a few other comics but it's mainly from them i will i will find the thing we'll put it up somewhere on one of the have a weird accounts or whatever um it come up on my facebook memories today it's like someone's put like the you know the nightmare nightmare before christmas ghost guy they've put that in the back of my head if it's perfectly someone's put like the you know the nightmare nightmare before christmas ghost guy they've put that in the back of my head if it's perfectly someone's put like a burst couch

is it just because they they jabbed it like basically gave you a little zidane spot at the back yeah like do you know why it's not too bad though as much as it was a bad haircut like you're you aren't going bald though are you no like most people most bald guys have this story except it was the beginning of the end so they're like and then there was this picture taken and now i look old and oh my god it's like a fucking magic eye it it's like a are you gonna pop this up now yeah let's have a look holy shit that's like a are you going to pop this up now let's have a look holy shit that's like a hate crime that's like he tried to spell cunt

what did you I just said to him because he was a fancy barber you know what I mean I was like go mad and he did no Danny McLaughlin said

it looks like I said do the sides with your razor just clip the top and just do the back with your lighter yeah I've had that before though put it on a billboard nice Like I said, do the sides with your razor, just clip the top and just do the back with your lighter. Yeah.

I've had that before, though. Probably put it on a billboard. Nice. When my... I had to give in to the fact that my hair is naturally white, so I grew it out. Is that not dyed, your hair? The pink is the toner, but my hair's naturally white. Oh, cool.

So I had to... It took me a lot of confidence to try and grow it all out, and I got to this... This was when I was living in Brighton. of confidence to try and grow it all out. And I got to this, this was when I was living in Brighton. Yeah. And I'd grown it all out and I'd got it like, I was like, okay, I'm happy with this. And then I started a new job and they used to take the piss out of me and go, and they were like, old hair, young face, old hair, young face.

So I was like, okay, well. How old were you at this point? Oh, this was about 10 years ago or something right old hair old face but um anyway finally Lou your face matches your hair oh and I went to the hairdressers and you went in it's bright and it's kooky it's like yeah whatever do you want a glass of wine yeah I'll have a glass of wine yeah great what do you want me to do then i'll do what you like and bearing in mind it took me 18 months to grow this hair all out pure white and she just got this clipper and just shaved off the side of my hair oh yeah and oh my god oh i it was the worst day of my life. So, like an undercut just on one side?

An undercut on one side. And then... This is the problem with, if you give off lesbian vibes in Brighton, they're going to give you the appropriate haircut, aren't they? They're going to be like, she's one of the sisters. Yeah. But, and then I paid her, and I gave her a tip.

Why? Because I don't do confrontation. And I walked out of the shop and do you know what the name of the hairdresser's was called? Come on. Damage. Right, nice. Nice. And then I had to go to work the next day with a comb over.

I had to... That's what I'm Bobby Charlton. I'd combed over the hair and just stuck it like that. Well, that's a thumbnail, isn't it? I had to walk on the side like that. And then people were coming over to me going, oh, we just want to come over to have a look at it. Oh, really?

Yeah, an email had gone round. Oh, fucking hell. Check out Conrad's hair. Nice. People just, oh. Yeah. Yeah. These aren't problems I've ever had you have had

hair i'm one of the first gigs i saw you at you had hair oh mate do you know i got heckled by a comedian we were he was doing banter it was one of the most brutal things anyone's ever said to me i gave him some stick it was meant to be friendly remember rodney marks who started out in and around the same time as you and me in man, and I gave him some friendly banter, and he went, fuck off, Nightingale, just accept you're going bald. And I didn't know. And I tell you what.

You didn't know you were going bald? No, because it's weird when you're 22, you're like, no, I've still got it. My spiky hair was starting like here. My forehead was fucking eight inches from eyebrow to start of fringe i was spiking it i was clearly going i look at pictures now and go you're going bald you're fucking nana because i'd never had that huddersfield uni moment because i'd never seen it from the back

i was like still got it looking like a fucking idiot looking basically like a bobby charlton that had got really strong fucking wax so i was spiking it and he said that and you know on stage when you're doing banter with a comedian oh it cut me down you know you're like oh god and i went back and i was like oh god and that was that was the moment i realized so yeah i was completely in denial for the first two years of being a comedian he gave me that dig and i was like banter and inside i was like oh fuck fuck and i went home and yeah it's the way i had a there was a light in the bathroom flicked the light on and i just stood back and it just a bit like that it illuminated and i could see my scalp pink flesh i was 22 23 years old i clipped it that day and it's never come back. Oh, it's hard.

It's hard work. Because you instantly go from young whippersnapper to grandad. You know what I mean? It isn't easy going bald when you're young. A fucking Andre Gomez over here with his fucking luscious locks. Mate, people dying of cancer have my hairstyle. It's not, do you know what I mean? Gail Porter has your hairstyle.

The thing is, though, you do know that having your hair is the least of their problems. Yeah, I know, I know, but it's one of those things, as a bald man, it's like when Gail Porter got alopecia. Oh, that was, that's a lot in it. Do you know what I mean? One minute. Bye got alopecia oh that was that's a lot in it do you know what i mean one minute and then and then well that's gotta be the advert for alopecia medicine just put it on your hair bye alopecia oh my god yeah but gail porter's not getting that

fucking advert is she because she's still like bald as a coot yeah one minute you're naked on the on the side of Westminster Cathedral do you remember that yeah I do when she was FHM yeah

and then two weeks later yeah what was FHM fan for she looks like Matt Lucas for horny men for him only for him only

that'd be that'd be FHO wouldn't it for him magazine sorry for him magazine for horny men. Yeah. Right, good.

Great, lovely. For handy masturbation. Fucking hand muzzles. Fucking hand muzzles. Furry Hellman's mayonnaise. Fancy hand medicine. That was good medicine that was good that was good

it was originally FHMC it was fucking hold my cock it wasn't I had the thought you don't not say it once it's coming

should we call this a pod because we're all just looking at each other doing wordplay going fucking Harry men Luke Conron

thanks very much for... Fanny's here, mate. Fanny's here, mate. Have a look at these fannies. Hey, three quid. Three quid? He's going. So what are you up?

Because he's going there. He's turned off the fucking hairy muffs. Flaps hanging Maureen. Right. Lou Conrad, thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you. What a delightful vagina-based couple of hours this has been. The elephant's flaps took some beating. Fucking hell, Mary! You can't beat an elephant's flaps because they wouldn't feel it. That's the bit for after the video. Thanks as always to our sponsors

who's your sponsors we've got a few alopecia medicine gail porter's head wax but she's only done that every four years though

because she's it was either that or lob her phone out the window yeah oh call back and we'll see the fucking pro.

See you at the zoo at Christmas. There's no room in the career. We, after the pod we're going to do a list of all the £10 producers, £10 patrons. So if you sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod and you become an executive producer

if you sign up for the £10 pledge we're going to be doing a list of them immediately after we stop talking here when we started the patreon we used to do every Monday we would give

all the £10 patrons a shout out and it just became a bit tedious but we need to start doing it every now and then we want to let you know that we love you

you can sign up for £3, £5 or £10 a month it's snowballing at the minute you're becoming a proper little insiders club and we've got a big fucking plan coming up. We've got, we're going to be playing

a little prank, aren't we? And if you want to get involved with that prank, we can't really say anymore. It's going to be for Patreon people only. You've got a couple of days to sign up. Patreon.com slash have a weird pod. Go and sign up now. Luke Conran, we love you. Love you!

Bye, Polyphia! What is it? Bye, Lepisha! dot com slash have a weird pod go and sign up now Luke Conran we love you love you bye what is it bye alright lids this is our list of 10 pound patrons fuck me we love you guys apologies if I trip up

and fuck up on your name thank you to Top Top Lid David Kirkpatrick Christian Greenlee, Dan Hinchcliffe Stevie Thorne Craig Bell, Jules Daniel Cowan, John Charles Dave Bell, Ash Colling, Sarah

Jamie, Luke Rogan, Steph Walker Charlie Mason, Martin Draycott, Nicky Kieran Holmes, Joe Harris, Kieran Gresty, Bethan Farrant, Katie, Ben Hopley, J.O. Bryan, Jacob Winterbottom, classic cricketer name, Holly Show, oh show, Inderpal Kuna, didn't fuck that up hopefully,

Nick Hewitt, Luke Wilkins, Callum McCoy, Callum McCoy, Landry, David Foster, Connor Oldcorn, Richard Williams, Bennett Howard, Jay Butler, John Baxendale, Nicholas Musgrove, Paul Bell, Dan Kelly, Shane Fairhurst, Tom Forlong, Matt Jarrett, Jordy Hoken, Norwegian Scouser. Okay. Sean Griffith, Theobald Thyssen-Tibbult. Okay, that was definitely wrong, but I think they're Belgian, so it's not racist. Scott Crimes, Nick Corton, and J-Dub Tupian.

That's good. It's great reading these out because you realise you definitely are a fucking moron. Nick, Thomas Martin, Mike Smith, Vladimir Putin. Fuck y'all. Vladimir Putin is a £10 patron. Whoever you are, Vlad. You're a nonce, but I love you. Olly Rye, Tom Harding, Callum Sanders.

Sorry, Callum Sanderson, Gary Hyland, JP Baker, Thomas Sedgwick, Elliot Thomas, Stephen Royal, Mark Kennedy, Ruth Paul, Simon Bissett-Kai, Elliot Broadwell, Bethany Griffith, James Hall, Khadija Mir, oh, Khadija, these are old school as well, I love these guys, Tom Lazarus, John Ryan, Stephen Byrne, Kenny Gad, Kira Tan, Sam Snook, Jonathan Bagley, this is starting to feel familiar from when we did it in the lockdown. I got into a rhythm of doing it. Always reminds me of a footballer

but I can't remember do you know what I mean Stefan Billick sounds like he's played for Fulham though doesn't it Graham Owens Mike Pugh

Tom Twisselton great name Andrew Boyle Tom Sivita Dave Checkley Kate Hamilton Becky Hale Rob Barker

Mark Hammond excuse me the page is refreshing. Sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod. Rob Knowles, Robin Kerr, Gerard Keane, Andy T, Jack Robert, Jesse, Adam, Josh Hartflisk, Michael Woods, Alex Jones, Martin, Ellen Knight, Fiona, Andy Mannix, Joseph Moore, Matt Flannery, Cade Bidwell, Emma Green, Steve Green, Donna McCauley, Amy, Maxine Eyre, J. Cal, Steve Boris,

Johnny Edwards, Pete Graves, Tom Chadwick, Graham Cashel, Lee Aitchison, Scott Brickcliffe, Saz Green, Ian Chadwick, Kiefer Gallagher, great name, Terry Burke, Dean Cochran, Stephen D Malone, Anthony Jollies, Sam McGuire, Kieran Woodall, Kathleen Simon, Catherine Wells, Anthony Jollies, Sam McGuire, Kieran Woodall, Kathleen Simon, Catherine Wells, Rebecca Thomas, Chris Watson, Ian Pringle, AJ Gregson, Janet Roskell, Jason Hopkins, Barry Parsons, Barney Wood, Jill Bushell. Oh, I love Jill.

How you doing, Jill? Loads of good stuff on Twitter from all of these guys. These are the names that I just recognise from, like, so much of the Twitter interaction. At Have A Word Pod on Twitter. Rob Upton, Daniel Plough, getting into the old G's mate these are all the old G's Richard Palmer, Tom Rowe, David Everson Anthony Duran, Sammy Taylor, Mark Hollenbach, James Fuchs, Mike

Kivvy, Julie Smith, Rob Bell, Kirstie Leonard Paul McDonald, Lee Bramley, Mike Sulligan, Nathan Sharrocks Kieran Gibson, Frank Hughes, The Frog and Bucket Comedy Club, Chris Jones, I'm there tonight. I'm not at Chris Jones tonight, I'm at The Frog and Bucket tonight. Louise Grimes, Muttley, Jamie Moores, Jennifer Ridding, Mike Quirk, Owen Badman, Tilly O'Hara, Chris Chubbs, Rachel Herron, Matt, Nick Stanard, Stephen Theobald, Aaron Ledbetter, Liam Daniel Newman,

John Barrowcliffe, Davina Bywater, getting better, Joanne Parr, Matt Delmaine, Donatello, Texas Chili B, Chris Townsend, Ali Richardson, Rachel Whiteley, Sam Crow, Russell W, Danny Gilligan, Rob Shields, and the original OG, Lee Grant, the first ever £10 patron, top, top lid. Thank you so much as ever. We'll do this every once in a while to let you know we appreciate you.

Thanks for listening, and we'll see you soon.