Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #89 with Lloyd Griffith - IN STUDIO - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: October 12, 2020

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Really appreciate it. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally? You merely adopted the dark. I was born in it, molded by it. Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? When she pick it up every time she's on the top, molded by it. Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? When she pick it up every time she starts to talk, give her the dick.

The stuff's dying. She'll be like, hello. What I'm doing? This is when you get it. What I'm doing? Oh, none. Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios, hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England,

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Not on this podcast. That is not how you start a podcast. Welcome to the show. First time watchers and listeners are going, what is this? Very good. Just, you're safe here come on it's a safe space

that's not necessarily true not really how are you dead good yeah really good I came out without any money that's

any money or any bank cards so thank fuck do you not have you're cashed up do you not have to pay on your phone are you not you're not an Apple liar I'm not

I think you can do it but I'm I'm 108 mentally and you can do it but I'm I'm 108 mentally and that takes a lot I don't trust it I can't pay

you can't pay with a watch I don't pay for anything not on my phone anymore and it's great because like well it's it's a blessing in the case

it feels like you're not paying for it tip tap you're just like oh wave my phone over there like there's no way when I wave me phone over there like there's no way when I wave me phone over there like yesterday

in the range when I bought like loads of stuff to do me house up with and I just waved me phone and it was 324 quid there's no way that took 324 quid out of me bank

it was free yeah some of it was free if you have to count it out what's it I'm a little bit pinchy one for me one for me one for me

one for range fuck you so any long time listeners who listen Jordan Lockdown will know I like a little bit of a steal I don't need to steal I treat it as a game and it starts at a very low level

my rules with my stealing game is I normally do it in a service station and I'll go sorry if you've heard this before, but I'll go to the till and I'll have like a can of Coke, a pack of crisps and a notebook and I'll put the Coke and the crisps on the, on the till and I'll hold the notebook. And if the woman in the WH Smiths and the service station goes,

is that notebook from here? I make sure she sees it. And if she goes, is that from here? Then I go, Oh yeah, I'm really sorry. And I've lost the game.

But if she doesn't say anything, I just walk out with the notebook. Stealing in plain sight. And yesterday. You've got a notebook in your underpants. That looks bad, doesn't it?

Yeah. If you've jammed it up somewhere, that's fucking stupid stealing. It just looks like I'll be on my phone and pretend like, oh, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, that's from here to, I'm always doing that. I'm really sorry. I nicked a wallet from TK Maxx the exact same way. Yes.

Had the wallet in my hand, the fucking bank card there, paid for some other shit, and she was just like, hey, on you go, that's your wallet. I loved it! Well, yesterday, I stole two curtain poles and a rake. What? Two curtain poles and a rake? How in the... Mate, whoever is

working in the range yesterday, and saw him load up the fucking from the trolleyey holding a rake like oh yeah these are these are my curtain rails and rake I just carried them

fucking hell that's honestly not concentrating is it how did you do it because players gone play and haters

gone hate but how can you smashed it mate are you sure it wasn't one of them you know like who's it not alright of them, you know, like...

Who's it not all right to steal off, you know? When you're at Sainsbury's or the range or fucking home and back. No, she wasn't one of them. Yeah. In fact, I'm pretty sure... What? Okay, good. I'm pretty sure she was a manager.

Oh, mate. I'm pretty sure. Because she had a slightly different outfit on. Take her down. Oh, fuck her then. S slightly different outfit on oh fuck her then slightly different outfit on from everyone else you know when you're like you're the captain you

she's either the manager or the goalkeeper she's in a position where she should know that a fucking rake and some curtain poles is not like here's what I did I was on my own if Carl was with me I'd have got two trolleys yesterday

because I got that much stuff. I got, like, two lots of new bedding. I got two sets of curtains, one for the patio bit, one for me front. You're sorting out your life, babe. I got loads of cushions. He's got new clothes, and then he went out drinking,

and that's over now. The part of the regeneration of Adam Rowe is now at home. He's getting plants. I just want to change the decor. I do want to change the decor i do want to change the decor because she's gone now and i can make it look exactly how i want it to look the fucking dream oh i've never had this like control over a house though because i've always lived i lived in my dad's then i lived in my auntie's and i got no say on how anything was decorated

and he was like we're not fucking decorating anything no fuck that and then I moved back in with my dad then I moved in with my ex and I because I was away so often and she'd moved

from outer Liverpool to inter-Liverpool to live with me I was just trying to be sound I was like you can decorate the house

however you want babe you make it look however you want and I've got a fucking yellow bedroom it's a fucking nightmare but now

that literally happened four weeks before the end of lockdown as well didn't it yeah it's not like that's from three years ago years ago yeah but like now i'm trying like i'm going like in the living room i'm going for like a charcoal wall i'm going i'm going dark gray i'm going like subtle lighting to just pop it up i'm making it look like a like a little a little man sex dungeon right that was really like chains on the. The young grown-up until right at the end, you know.

I want it to really, really offset each other and just be a lovely light, a mood lighting so I can crack one out watching my 50-inch TV. I'm going to fuck a woman. In the lounge? Yeah. Right. When you start dating someone,

you try and fuck them in every room, but you try and complete your house. That covered under the stairs is always the last one to do, but... I just feel like... You must have shagged your missus in every room in your house. Well... No, because it's not my house, is it? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Be respectful. In her house, yeah. Be respectful. Yeah. Yeah, but it's a ball lake eventually when you're like, right, two to do, pantry, conservatory. And now you're like, oh, there's not even fucking curtains in the...

Garden as well. ...in the conservatory. Got a garage and it leaks. That's a nice little effect, isn't it? Oh, the garage. Are you finished? No, that's the roof. Oh, fuck, I love banging you here.

I can read the gas meter. Yeah! Oh, young! I put the heating on the other night for the first time. Oh, right, babe. Oh, my God. You knew when I fucking come round then.

It's frabs, innit? Yeah, I'm playing PlayStation with him and my hands are like fucking ice. Yeah. I fucking ate it. This is,

just be aware of this, when people can't work their own thermostat, work out what is a normal human fucking temperature. Oh, so I don't know how to do that.

What I do is I just turn the heating on, and then it does what it does. Right. It's either on or it's off. Oh, my God. See, I hate the heating. Or it's off. I'd rather get in bed.

Yeah, but my house is just a bit chilly, isn't it? Yeah, downstairs. No, I get it. You can't have the heating on when you're in bed. Get a proper duvet. Put some fucking socks on. Got a new duvet. Got two.

But, man, people can't do the fucking temperature you know you're around your mates house going this isn't fun why is it freezing yes we've got a mate

Laura and her sister have got a mate called Kerry and she doesn't feel temperature she's like come round and I'll do dinner and it's fucking Baltic like late August

it's fucking cold in September I'm not into it so good I like it it's changing isn't it. I'm not into it. So good, I like it. It's changing, isn't it? So I got myself some pillows for the couch. I got some new, like, big pillows for the bed, but I also got some, like, decorative pillows as well. Like, that night, got a throw to match the pillows I got for the bed.

Oh, got some charcoal bedding. Got a new rug for the living room. Got some nice curtains. Charlie Charcoal. Yeah. Oh, I'm going charcoal everywhere the whole house is just gonna be the whole house is gonna look like this imagine the studio in the house don't do that oh boy so it the trolley was so full like normally

when and they're very like shallow tills at the range so you know like when you do a big shop in asda what do you mean shallow tills right you know when you do a big shop in Asda? What do you mean, shallow tills? Right, you know when you do a big shop at Asda and you get to the conveyor belt? And what you do is you empty your whole trolley onto the conveyor belt and then you put your trolley at the end and it's now empty and you can start putting stuff back in.

Yes, mate. Right, well, at the range, there's no conveyor belt. It's just a little tiny bit. So I'm literally full of stuff. So what I was doing was just one by one giving her stuff to scan and then she'd put her stuff to scan and then she'd put it to the end

and then I started putting it back in the trolley so she was just like trusting me to just give her everything that was in the trolley and I just never

gave her the curtain poles I never gave her the rake and then I just walked do do do I do do do I do do do do do do do do is that your stealing

is that the stealing sound do do do do do I'm a thieving fucker do do do do you've done the same in B&M didn'tdo-do-do. I'm a thieving fucker. Do-do-do-do-do. We've done the same in B&M, haven't we, last week? We did, yeah. We bought a bin.

We bought two bins. And you put my new bed in the bin. And I put the new bed in the bin and gave her the bin to scan. Yeah, that's exactly what you should do. Professional thief. It's plausible deniability, isn't it? What were you like?

You've got to be able to believe when you go, and this is where your acting skills come in. Like, no, no, no, if you just go, no, no. You're like, no, you can't act. Oh, madam, I am so sorry. Oh, it has been quite the morning. The curtain poles are fucking 300 centimetres long, so they're sticking out the trolley.

300 centimetres long. I just haven't. They're literally, they're hanging out the trolley. 300 centimetres long. They just haven't. They're literally hanging out the trolley. Like, they're massive. So she should have gone, can I scan them, please? And she just didn't. And this is a manager? I think so. Ah, fucking hell.

I mean, would you give a shit if you just worked there? You'd be like, I can't be fucking bothered. Each curtain pole was £30 each, and the rake was £12. So, quid in my back, Jacksy. Good. Do you know this goes on the internet? It does.

Yeah. It's all for comedy. What range was it? What range was it? Scam, wasn't it? Scam range. The scam range,

yeah. The scam range. You know, buying all this stuff, do you know what is happening politically? Have you just stopped checking your phone? What's, have you just gone, your phone what's what do you mean have you just gone

fuck it you're just going into a shutdown with spending is that what you yeah well I haven't even got it yet but today I'm getting

the money from my tour which finished in March right okay good so I've got a bit of money that I need to do my house up because at the minute it looks like

a couple's house that the man let the woman decorate. Yeah. And I don't want it to look like that. Or a house. I don't know what you mean. Yeah, yeah.

And I just want it to look a bit more me. I need to start living my truth and I'm not going to be able to do that until I decorate it. Do you know what I mean? It's amazing. I just want it to be.

But I think you're the only comic comic in the country who this weekend is like right off to the range let's fucking decorate every comic's going fucking hell

there's gonna be no gigs everyone's shitting it collectively and me and you are like we've got a fucking hit YouTube show I'm gonna carry on gigging and I've said this a hundred times I'm not stopping gigging I will just call said this a hundred times, I'm not stopping gigging, I will just call them protests,

and you can't, by international law, stop someone peacefully protesting, I'm going to protest, through the medium of stand-up comedy, whether that's indoor or outdoors, it's fucking happening, the gigs will be happening,

they'll be advertised on the air, on my Twitter, my Instagram, Boris Johnson, Matt Hancock, and Rishi Sunak, can suck my average sized pipe honestly I tell you what

when he's got this this whole house decorated then he's taking down the government he's going to have charcoal here charcoal there

and then when that's finished got some nice candles up do you know what I mean some potpourri then I'm going to fuck up the Tory government how are you the thing they can do

is take the licences away mate I'm not and I'm just devil's advocate in here they can't take my licence away from having gigs in me back home. Easy, cheap. I don't know, back home.

You've got to sort your garden first, get some nice charcoal, get a charcoal lawn, just a charcoal wall, charcoal flowers, charcoal audience. This is my worry about this whole call to arms. Mate, I'll take the gigs, I'll be there.

But I'm not fucking running them because that's a different fine what I feel so much for licensed premises that if they're about to shut them down

for three weeks I'm not expecting licensed premises to risk anything for me we got off of the paint factory didn't we we did I've got it up

do you want me to read it I have got it up we got Kirsty McNeil yes you fucking legend she was like OMG if you need a venue my husband

got has got a paint factory in garston and i'm sure the landlord would give you a room and then she went oh fuck that you could use the factory he has loads of pallets to sit on pure gangster gig i'd be a bar main sound that's from kirsty mc. I'm not even joking. I'd be up for it. Why have I not seen this? Because it's on the email. It's on the email. We're doing that next week. Next weekend.

We're both not gigging, are we? Saturday? Next Saturday. Are we? Yeah. So Saturday the 17th. Make it Sunday. So it's a secret Sunday.

No, it doesn't have to be a secret. I want a fucking rammy. I want 600 people there. It's a protest. It's a protest against the government's lack of support for the entertainment and hospitality industry.

It's a protest. Yeah, but you've got to promise. You've got to promise Kirstie and me and Carl not to nick any charcoal paint. Kirstie, it's high risk. Never mind COVID. Never mind fucking enforcement officers. and me and Carl, not to nick any charcoal paint. Kirsty, it's high risk. Never mind COVID,

never mind fucking enforcement officers, he'll be coming out, Adam, your jacket looks massive, that's too, No, I don't do that. I don't do that.

I'm not, I'm not a pocketer. I only steal stuff when they can see it. I'm like Robin Hood. Goodbye Kirsty. Two tins of Dulux. No, I am, like, if I'm in there, and there's two tins of Dulux, and I pick them up, and I'm like Robin Hood goodbye Kirsty two tins of Dulux no I am like if I'm in there

and there's two tins of Dulux and I pick them up and I'm like right I'm getting off in a minute so Adam have you got

some of our paint no no these are my weights I've got them everywhere see you haven't been listening to me if she goes are they our paints I'll go

oh I'm so sorry I didn't mean to pick them up what if I'm like whoa whoa whoa paint paint Dulux I've got some Dulux in my hands where did I get these from if I do all that and she's still like It's mad though. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Paint, paint. Dulux, I've got some Dulux in my hands.

Where did I get these from? If I do all that and she's still like, yeah, yeah, see you soon. Genuinely, do you want to do it? I'm not even messing, right. Right. We're going to have to work out a way for people to find out where it is on the slizzles. Look, there's a way, isn't there?

We'll advertise. If this gets, we'll talk to Kirsty in the break before the guest comes in today oh i'm so excited i can't say how excited there's gonna be there's gonna be a back call on twitter and it'll be like coded like papa wants some charcoal and when you hear papa wants some charcoal that means we've got deets for a gig and the government will be like oh there's been a lot of movement around

oh we're worried about oh charcoal can't work out the code look let's just say this we'll get in touch with Kirsty today and try and get this arranged for next Saturday

where is it where's Garston it's South Liverpool oh is it yeah yeah it's South Liverpool love South Liverpool so

look out on my Twitter the podcast podcast Twitter, Dan's Twitter, on all our Instagrams. So, my Twitter is AdamRoweComedy. My Instagram is AdamRoweComedian. Here's Dan has a podcast on both of them. The podcast is Have A Word Pod on all of them, and Sensei Carl as well, obviously. But if you are not really big on social media

and you're not going to catch it there, just email us, haveawordpod at gmail.com if you are near the Liverpool area and you want to come and see a stand-up gig next Saturday whether or not

the government protests if you want to come to a protest through the medium of stand-up comedy next Saturday you've just got to

email us with the subject line Papa wants some charcoal and we will send you the ticket link and we will make this happen. Mama, Papa like charcoal, Papa like charcoal. I'm doing it.

That's exciting, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, that's good. Oh, it's a different feeling. I want to not do any more podcast. I want to just go and arrange this gig. Guys, we've only done a 15-minute episode. We've got shit to do.

Are they actually going to shut us down here? Are they about to tell us that all hospitality venues are closed down because it feels like this government do this sly thing which is actually quite clever they just sort of tell everyone without telling anyone they sort of leak all their policies and then just sort of gauge the boot off yeah yeah and they're like yeah well you well, you know. Well, I did, I was, so we're recording this on Friday the 9th of October, but it doesn't go out, obviously. It'll go on Patreon either tomorrow or Sunday,

and then it goes public on Monday. I did Hot Water last night. So I did Hot Water Comedy Club last night, I'm there tonight, and I'm there again tomorrow. There was, so Paul Smith was comparing, Jack Carroll, who was done Britain's Got Talent, and Live at the Apollo, opened the show and I closed the show. Now that's a profile bill. It's Paul Smith, it's me, and it's Jack Carroll. The only one who's been on telly is not me or Paul Smith. Do you know what

I mean? He's done the big TV shows. There was 25 people in the audience and there was like 80 or something booked and most of them didn't turn up because they thought things were already shut because the amount of confusion and misinformation being leaked by this government and perpetuated by the media is A, scaring people, and B, it's making people go,

oh, it won't be open. It can't be open. It can't be open because everywhere's shut, isn't it? Isn't the whole thing shut? It's so confusing, to the point where the prime minister is so easily discombobulated I know that can't even explain his own bastard rules he has no idea in those interviews when he's like oh someone tell me about Leeds you're like it's a fucking travesty mate if you're gonna be cunts about it at least be simple with your country don't get fucking lost in a web of your own stupidity.

I don't think it's him. I think there's people behind him. No shit, mate. He's got the spider army behind him, hasn't he? No, but I don't think he's even making any decisions. No, he isn't. But the thing is, and we all know that, everyone knows that the Prime Minister doesn't make decisions.

He has to listen to everyone around him who looks into it more but he should be able to explain what these clear rules are when a when a journalist is going right so you're not allowed to mix with the households but can a mother meet her daughter in the park they can't but they can both go to park separately like all this ambiguity and all this fucking nonsense he's it's his job to lead it's not his prime minister he's a figurehead yeah it's not necessarily his job to make decisions but it's his job to be able to explain the decisions and explain the policy and explain the rules he's a leader or at least he's fucking supposed to be now he's supposed to be able to go watch what i do look at what i'm doing and what i'm telling you to do that's what you do and then

his fucking dad's walking around fucking Tesco with no mask on and everyone's like, wasn't your dad walking around Tesco? Oh, well, I can't control my father. Oh, but we've got to all control everyone in our lives. You're telling pubs they've got to control people, but you can't control anyone. Also, masks and restrictions is great.

Stop closing businesses down, you fucking maniacs like when children have obviously got to go to school and and people have got to go to work but even though they're the higher infection rates they're literally traced back through science to be the cause of a lot of these infections we've got to shut down the hospitality sector, where's the fucking science behind these decisions? Well, I've, so I've... Crippling. It's starting to get, I stopped looking into stuff a few months ago because it was just

driving me mad. I've looked into this. So basically, the reason they're shutting down the hospitality sector, as far as I can tell, again, if you're not a regular listener to this, don't take anything we say seriously. Don't take this as advice. This is two fucking idiots just spilling out their opinions that are ill-researched. However, as far as I can tell, they can't have both.

So it's not that the hospitality sector is causing more infections than the schools are. But having both of them open is causing a problem. So they're going to shut the one that is easiest to shut. That could be a perception. It's necessity, isn't it? There's no proof. It's necessity.

There's literally no proof. I'm not saying I agree with that, but that's their approach. So essentially, the hospitality sector might be causing 20% of these infections and the education sector is causing 80% of them. Let's say they're the numbers. What they're essentially saying is, well, if we just take that 20% away, the hospitals will be able to cope. So although the schools is causing more of a problem, we'd rather shut bars than we would shut schools. So that's why we're closing that. It's so short-sighted economically. And was like come on tories you don't give a

fuck about people you've never given a fuck about people don't pretend now you really give a fuck about people but that that the problem is with like well you can't shut schools god forbid you shut schools temporarily they're completely funded like they will be there those institutions will be there and obviously there is a knock-on effect on the education of children, but children are pretty, like, not flexible is not the right word. They can bounce back from change. Like, obviously, you don't want schools shut for a whole year, but some businesses will not be there.

Like, if you're talking about the long-lasting effects of a recession, shut things down that can't come back schools are publicly funded they will come back and like this is my big worry with shutting these shutting hospitality down it'll be like oh it's a circuit breaker we'll just do it for two weeks well they only did the 10 p.m curfew fucking recently they cannot know yet if that has had like how can they know for sure in a week and a half if that's having a negative or positive effect it's where's the science back to because so they they'll they'll shut us down for two or three weeks and then maybe go oh we need to just

keep you shut down what on a fucking whim we've sort of touched on this before the last time it was fucking are we going to open are are we going to close, or whatever. They can't do this. And they certainly, the hypocrisy of it, like, at the minute, I think it's, look, again, I haven't really looked, I haven't got the exact fucking figures, but I don't need them, because I'm not running the fucking country.

I host a podcast. I think Westminster has got a much higher, like, the borough of Westminster, which is in central London, has got a much higher R rate and COVID rate than the North West. But that's staying open and the North West is shut. And it just, it leads into so many conspiracy theories, conspiracy theorists' ideas of like the managed decline

that Margaret Thatcher wanted to put in place, nearly spat on the floor then, of Liverpool back in the 80s when she was like, we should leave Liverpool to rot away. Just take their funding away. They're never going to vote for us anyway. It fucking stinks of it. It's, oh, well, we'll experiment with the North. Let's close all them down and see if that helps.

And if it doesn't, if it does, then we'll put it in place down here. And if it doesn't, then we'll keep the economy going down here. I'm not. I've got so many friends who work in the hospitality sector. I've got friends who own comedy clubs, obviously.

One of my best mates is the owner of Hot Water Comedy Club. He's the most calm, collected, intelligent, ferocious businessman person I've ever met in my life, and I've never seen him and heard him sound so nervous as I have in the past few weeks because he's built a business up from literally fuck all and open Mike and I's on a Sunday in a nightclub to a multi, multi-million pound business. And he, Hot Water Comedy Club,

compared to every other comedy club in the UK, bar and maybe the comedy store, is in the healthiest position. There's comedy clubs much more vulnerable than Hot Water. And I know for a fact, if this lockdown goes on for six months or whatever the prospective date was that he gave us a few weeks ago hot water is at risk of not being there so if they're not going to be there the frog and bucket's not going to be there comedian might not be there the glee clubs might not be there there's so many the industry will be wiped out and if the government are going to close them or put such restrictions in place that

mean people aren't going to go to them they've got to financially support them because it's so short-sighted to go well everyone's just gonna have to retrain retrain as what because every other industry is going to be massively overpopulated there's not going to be any jobs we can't all go and get a job in the easiest thing to get a job in is a bar that's where people normally go when you come out of work i'll just go and work in bars or supermarkets for a bit there's not going to be any jobs there because that's where everyone else is going to be you can't just dismiss millions of people in the entertainment hospitality industry and then go, oh, well, just go and be a carpet fitter.

Everyone's going to have a carpet next week. They're not going to want a new carpet for five years. Charcoal as well. Charcoal. You'll not be able to find charcoal carpets. You'll have to paint your own, babe. I don't know what the best thing to do is. I just know that what the government is doing is wrong and every time they come out with a policy,

I was saying this to Carly today, and we've said it on the mental health episode of this. If you announce a government policy and a dickhead driving in his fucking Kia Sportage to his fucking studio in Runcorn can go, I can see an immediate problem with that. Then why can't the health secretary? We're going to put a curfew in place.

And yes, we want every pub to, it has to shut at 10. Is he going louder? That was the most loud I've ever known you. I think it might be the new mics, but I just went, oh, Jesus, let's shut all the pubs at 10 o'clock. That's really good, actually, because people get more drunk after 10 and they start hugging and kissing.

And that's the thing. It's the time. That's why it's spreading. We'll shut them at ten. What? No, people won't start drinking earlier in the day. Don't be ridiculous. This is Britain. They wouldn't possibly go into each other's homes and not listen to any restrictions. We've told them not to.

We'll put them all on the exact same bus home. That'll be good. All of them. A huge taxi rank at fucking ten to 10. What a great idea. Because the people in power are career politicians. Do you know what it needs?

It needs an Ali G. It needs someone. He's gone mental. It needs someone. Keep it real. Who actually knows working class normal life. And who isn't trained in how to be a politician. Are you standing for parliament?

This is it. I'd fucking love. I'd love to just be like, I'd love to be like the little caretaker manager. Because you know like when a team's fighting relegation. Sorry, go on. You know when a Premier League team's fighting relegation and they just bring someone in to just get them out.

Sam Allardyce. You look like Sam Allardyce as well. You used to get called Sam Allardyce. Oh, this is amazing. Guys, let's get Sam Allardyce in. I'll take over. Fuck off the Tories. Sam Allardyce. You look like Sam Allardyce as well. You used to get called Sam Allardyce. Oh, this is amazing. Let's get Sam Allardyce in. I'll take over. Fuck off the Tories. Fuck the Tories off.

Get 28-year-old Scouse lad in. We need to keep this team in the Premier League, right? We need to keep this country in the Premier League. I mean, it isn't, but we need to keep this country in League Two. We need to keep this country up, right? So you bring me in, someone, because I'd have so much more respect for these politicians

if they weren't so trained in how to dodge questions when they get asked a question like well you know we can't really talk about that so i'll just talk about this other thing that i've prepared and practiced in the mirror you just need someone to come out because we the country is quite empathetic towards this pandemic i think i think they could be if it was done the right way there's not really a country in the world who's smashed it. Everyone's got problems. It's a global thing. But we're doing really badly, really, really badly.

And watching Boris Johnson or fucking Hancock or Sunak, any of them, come on the news and go, look, right, and Dominic Cummings is there going, what are you doing? Just shut up, Dominic. I can't be arsed anymore. I need to tell the truth. Look, we haven't got a fucking...

Is this Adam Rowe MP? Yeah. Yes! So just go on the news and go, look, we don't fucking know what we're doing. We're fucked. We didn't know how to handle it. We've tried one way.

It didn't work. We've tried the other way. It didn't work. We've tried to do half and half. It didn't work. We don't really know what we're doing. We're trying our fucking best here. We're just going to have to shut everything for a few weeks. really know what we're doing. We're trying our fucking best here.

We're just going to have to shut everything for a few weeks. We know it's a nightmare. We know it's going to be a fucker. It's going to be hard to not go and see your mariner. But we really, really, really need to just try this for a month. Let's just get everyone in for a month. No, is this you talking or them? Me.

What are you talking about shutting things for? I'm not saying that's my part. I'm just saying just make a decision and stop going, well, we might meet. Just might Just go look We're really sorry We need to try this way And in a month If it hasn't worked Then we'll try the other way

But we can't do half and half anymore Because it's just not fucking working Oh Order Can I just do my Order Order Order

Order Let's have a referendum Literally I was behind you Every step of the way You were swearing on the Andrew Marr show I was having a fucking great time And voting Tory lid And then you were like We on the Andrew Marr show I was having a fucking great time and voting Tory lid

and then you were like we'll have a bit of a shut down like don't stop shutting things down I don't want to shut things down do you want to know

what I'd actually say listen guys right look we fucked this it's really bad we're one of the worst countries in the world we don't really know

what we're doing and it's about time now that we just go do you know what some of your nans are going to die but let's get back to pop world. Imagine.

Yes, mate. Isn't it? Look. That's what I wanted to hear. Look. See you, Beryl. We know your nan's at risk. We know she's fat.

We know your grandad's got asthma. But at the end of the day, tell them to stay in the fucking cupboard and let's go and have some Jager bombs. That would be my government policy. Imagine, imagine if you got into power, into parliament. Yeah.

Imagine the smear campaign on you. Yeah. How long would it fucking last? Imagine what he'd dig up. Imagine. It would be unbelievable. Oh my God. No wonder he wants everything open.

He always wants it open too soon, doesn't he? Like fucking McDonald's in Penrith. There's some fucking you pissing on midgets on the front of the sun. The fucking Labour Party retweeting Keir Starmer like, fucking hell, lad, we're in Penrith. Just look, I am not actually totally against a full shutdown for a month. I'm also not totally against a full open. Do you know what I'm against?

This half-arsed, let's see what I'm against? this half arsed let's just try and do this and that and whatever, just make a fucking decision just pick a go and stick with it for a month, and if it doesn't work then just do the other one just stop, and can I counter that with, I get what you mean

because that's fatigue with the flip-flopping, that's annoying stop shutting businesses down. It's fucking wrong. There is a pandemic. I get it. Or if you're going to shut them down. There's restriction.

Order. Financially support them. Order. Order. Order. Stop shutting businesses down. Put restrictions on. Ask people to be sensible.

Put rules in place. Ask the vulnerable to grow the fuck up and look after themselves. Like, I get it. It's not great. But pushing a whole country into a recession is a fucking nightmare. And I don't know what the legalities are of making a business close. Like, at what point do you infringe on fucking rights? Never mind, I'd rather do it two weeks than this, two weeks than that.

Like, do all of the rules. Let's make it, like, coherent if we can. But stop closing businesses down. It's insane. I don't think any of it's legal. You know, if I paint protests, you know, if they turn up and they're like, here's a 10 grand fine.

I'd be after me. It's going to go. Are you all right, mate? I thought Adam was going to be like you know in our paint protest my dad worked in paint his dad worked in paint he fucking painted

the fucking wigwam if our paint protest charcoal charcoal cathedral the neutral cathedral the priest is like, I fuck loads of lads in this. Sorry.

Sorry. Narthy bitch. If they turn up and they're like, oh, you can't do this protest. Nah, nah, nah. It's clearly a stand-up gig. And we'll be like,

fucking isn't me? Look at the poster. It says protest. If they turn up and give me a 10 grand fine, I'd be so happy about it. I haven't got 10 grand. I haven't got 10 grand

to pay a fine and i wouldn't pay it because there's absolutely fucking zero chance that that 10 grand fine stands up in court i'm telling you all these laws that they've passed have not gone through the law making process a government doesn't just have the power to go oh here's a new law we've decided this is a new law not how it works they sort of do at the moment they've got they've got no they don't like OJ they have

they've got emergency COVID but it's massively undemocratic yeah and exactly and we live in a democratic society there's no I'd wipe my arse with the 10 grand fine take me to court

it'd be great publicity it'd be fucking can you imagine the publicity for this podcast that'd be like it'd be worth 10 grand mate it'd be worth 10 grand that'd be

I'd be Johnny Cochran you could be OJ you can be Rob Kardashian yeah put gloves on and that yeah I feel like Rob Kardashian surrounded by fucking

mental women mate what your politics is exciting borderline confusing definitely loud but don't try and pay

a 10,000 pound fine I'm not gonna pay with stolen rakes and fucking poles from the range. I'm going to wipe my arse with it. I need a shite, actually. Can we have a break?

All right, okay, good. What a beautiful segue. Touché. See you in a bit, lads. I'll please you. What's happening, lads? Today's sponsor is Beer 52. Beer 52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. If you're into your beers, your ales, your stouts, Beer 52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club.

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and I ain't been cancelling anything. I'm still tippling away just go to beer52.com slash word and claim your free case now that's b-e-e-r-5-2.com slash w-o-r-d do it now baby please go get yourself some free stuff on us don't forget to watch our very funny podcast videos on youtube You can subscribe at youtube.com forward slash have a word pod. Left a good job in the city. Working for the man every night and day. I reckon. What's up?

This is a much better musical instrument than a triangle. Give me a song. It is a triangle. Stan Elton John. It's just... Man's a fucking moron. And I can't see at all. That's bass though.

It's percussion, isn't it? It's not the entire fucking bass line. Oh. Oh. Oh. I was saying to him that. Stick your headphones on. I want to play this to the listeners.

Talking about music. Is what? That'll become Pavlovian. In like a year, he'll hear that and think he's... Yeah, every time someone wants to get off a bus, I'm like, I wasn't lying. I wasn't lying. Yo, it's time to have a word with Adam and Adam.

Sensei Carl, who is back from Japan. He's the only one who's podcasting all of the land. Listen to his shit whenever you can. Subscribe, like, and share while we try to please you. The last thing for me is... Bye, Felicia. Bye, Felicia. Yes! Mate, Ben, what a fucking ledge. What's up? The last thing for me is... Bye, Felicia. Bye, Felicia. Yes!

Mate, Ben, what a fucking ledge. That's sick. Ben Kingsley, Bingers UK on YouTube. Go and have a look at his YouTube. He sent us that in. I love it when we get the music stuff in. I also love a bit of drum and bass. I used to go to a bit of D&B when I was at... Oh, we've had a couple of people ask as well.

I know you're working on it, so I think we should tell people. We've had a few of you ask about a PO I know you're working on it, so I think we should tell people. We've had a few of you ask about a P.O. box because you just want to send us some stuff, and we're fucking well up for that. We are going to have a P.O. box sorted as soon as possible. We're working on it, and you'll be able to send us some shit

because we want gifts. We've got it. Have we got it? We've got it. Oh, someone's sending me a signed Everton shirt. Oh, yeah. Pete. Pete Gaydon.

Absolute legend, yeah. A signed Everton shirt. They was like Gaydon absolute legend a signed Everton shirt they was like sure Adam won't want it you know have you seen you know Pete Gaydon who tweets us all the time

yeah yeah yeah he tweeted Carl and was like alright lads I've got a signed Everton shirt here you can have it he inboxed me on Instagram been chatting to him

said he'll send it to me whenever I'm ready he's one of our biggest weirders him legend one of the weirders you just have to send it to have a word

which is the Heath Business and Technical Park, Runcorn, Cheshire WA7 4QX. So the Heath Business and Technical Park in Runcorn, WA7 4QX just put have a word and they will get it to us.

Can you pop the words of that on the screen so people can just see it? Sweet. You're very kind. So, yeah, what's he called? That's just sent that jingle in. I fucking love a bit of drumming bass. Ben Kingsley. I miss dancing.

You sound like an old widow. I know. I do. I'd love to. I just want to go dancing again with my Frank. We'll meet again. But the irony is... Frank used to take me dancing on Thursdays. Now he's gone.

It's so true. That's how I feel about pills and drum and bass. How like, he died 20 years ago. And sometimes I go to the ballroom and I have a lime and soda and think of him. I want to do that, except with ecstasy and drum and bass. It was so much more romantic how, like, our grandparents used to meet, weren't they? You know what I mean? Like ballroom dancing and that.

Yeah. Do you reckon they were as dirty as we are? Did your grandparents meet ballroom dancing? My nan told me that she met my grandad at ballroom dancing. Your nan's just slag, isn't she, though? What? What the fuck? Dude!

Dude! That is too much! Mate, we'll do mum jokes. We're not doing fucking nan jokes. Char! Obsess me! Nasty Carlos Who the fuck

Has ever said that So seriously No lad though Your nan's a Fucking slag mate What are you saying That to each other She sucks off bus drivers

For Werther's Originals mate She's a fucking Mega rider What are you saying That to each other About six times a day Mate If there's a nan Ever rider. We say that to each other about six times a day. Mate. If it's not, I never get...

Comes up. Yeah. You keep... Keep my nan out of this. She's a fucking saint. Nan like that, nan like that. No. I'll do any joke.

I even get called a Tory by Steph Johnson, although it fucking rankles Why? You keep my She's a saint Is she though? She was Do you reckon?

Nana if you can hear me Now she's a real saint No nan's a saint They're all horrible racists Yeah Your nan is a racist And she took some dick in her time Is as a slaggy racist

I can't do it She's an angel How long did she live? and she took some dick in her time. This is a slaggy racist. I can't do it. She's an angel. How long did she live? How old was she when she went? Oh, she's gone. She's gone. Yeah, but how old was she?

Oh, is it fine if she's gone? Yeah. She was an angel before she died. No, she's in. How old was she when she died? 92. 92. I don't.

Don't say anything about dicks. Don't say slacks. For 76 years, she was taking pipe. Oh! Legally. I'm sick of you, bitch. Char! I'm sick of you, nasty bitch. 76 years of pipe.

Yeah. You fucking horrible rats. She was, though. I'd rather you did jokes about my grandad taking fucking pipe. Yeah, but he didn't. He was piping you, man. He laid the pipe. You're awful people.

Do you reckon he was doing mad shit back then? No, she's off. I'm ring-fencing her. Do you reckon he was 30? Do you reckon he was 69? No, they weren't even kissing with tongues. Tongues? They were literally like like I like you

would you dance it was a kiss and let's put you on the barbecue alright Danny Mac bit of wordplay there that's got two meanings yeah they were just

you know they had to just dance one way on a on a dance floor yeah you know at the ballroom and then they'd see a girl and, they had to just dance one way on a dance floor. Yeah. You know, at the ballroom. Yeah. And then they'd see a girl and they'd have to write to her father.

And then a postman would have to take the telegram round to her father. He'd be like, yes, you can. Stop. Yeah. Take her for a dance. Stop. Then he had to go back to the dance floor and she'd be like, would you join me in a tango? Yeah, that's all in the public eye.

But when they got back do you reckon she got stuffed or what smoking the pole no mate no mate i think it was like four dates before they even like held hands legally yeah but i mean it was like sharia law but you know no but like you know once they were married and that, do you reckon they ever got fucking, were they getting volleyed and that? Because sometimes now I sleep with a girl and I feel like I've accidentally walked into an MMA bout, do you know what I mean? Because they fucking go for it, some of these women.

Things have changed. Yeah. Television has evolved, like, it's different now, isn't it? Yeah. But do you not reckon, like, nannas, like, they can't all have been all just, no, just missionary, please, and then I'll get back on with the dishes. It can't have all been that. I reckon some nannas, like, they can't all have been all just, no, just missionary, please, and then I'll get back on with the dishes.

It can't have all been that. I reckon some nannas like getting fucking, you know, arm bath and that. Well, yours did. Mine just literally was like handshake and a thorough fucking insemination. Handshake with what? No, they didn't.

Everyone's had sex Or everyone who's got No I'm not talking about I know that I'm here aren't I I get that I'm not just Just talking about like

Fucking Do you know what I mean Bang brothers over here Hanging off the ceiling Like do you think right Your nan When they all came back From the fucking war

It was just gang bangs Everywhere When you got back from the war We'll meet again don't know and then fucking all over her face there's absolutely

there my white clips have dove it but there's absolutely no way that your grandad came back from the war and then they just had a nice missionary

second then watched fucking Emmerdale yeah he broke her hip yeah I'm going to go home I'm going to break my wife's hip I can't do it

I can't do it I can't do this about my nana she's in it 10 minutes into it I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do this about my nana. She's... Ten minutes into it. I can't do it. No. What episode is it?

Is it 89? I can't do it. 69. I can't do it. Also, no. You've really upset me. Oh, ill me. When did it get freaky?

What year? The 70s. Oh, is it? You said that with loads... 60s? Summer of love? No, but they were all stoned. They couldn't do mad shit.

Do you know the summer of love, when people say that shit? Do you know your parents were still in fucking Dovcat in the summer of love? It wasn't like... Dovcat. Dovcat. Dovcat.

Was that 1969? It was about there. There you go, 69. You must have fucking loved it. All right. Is that why they call it 69ing? Yeah. Yeah. All right. Is that why they call it 69? Yeah, yeah, it is. Why are you going so smutty?

I'm not. When do you think it was... Do you think the Summer of Love was just everywhere? Even like Moscow and shit? I think it was just quite specific to some parts of the States and maybe, you know, London. I don't think in Preston, Lancashire, I was like, Oh, man, it's just free love, man. Oh, let's, you know, London. I don't think in Preston, Lancashire, I was like, oh, man, it's just free love, man.

Oh, let's, you know, bomb by the Ribble. I love the River Ribble. When I drive past it, it always looks lovely. Have you had a coffee as well? Where's your ADD going? I like the Ribble as well. Your Nana's a slag, 1969 was dirty, and I like the River Ribble.

Welcome to the Northern Nobberobbags podcast All I'm saying is I don't think your nan is as innocent As you'd like to think I think we all have this sort of perception That our nans are these innocent angels Well you clearly don't Because he knows something about your nan No he's just being

He's just being lads lads lads isn't he Your nan's just like But in reality Yeah yeah yeah She is a mess No but she got fucking plastered didn didn't she, by his grandad? Yeah. And great grandad.

Yeah. Not nice. Question? Oh, sorry, I just threw up because you were talking about my beautiful Nana. All right, lads, this feels... Was your hand fit, yeah? Oh, shut up, man! She's a fucking saint!

Nana, if you can hear me I regret every bad thing that he said Do you have a picture of her? Shut up Do you reckon you're shagging heaven? What? Have you been pointing up to her? Will you get the mic near your fucking head?

Have you been pointing up to her? Yeah What do you reckon she's doing now? I don't I'm just doing that for effect I'm just doing that for end ups i don't think she's up there well she's not an angel or a saint she's dead but let's not besmirch her memory like you think she got besmirched no i don't yeah i think if there is a heaven you've got a bang in heaven haven't you yeah i think heaven is your whatever your if there is a heaven i think it's whatever

your idea of heaven is. Yeah. What my, as we've said it before, my idea of heaven gets me thrown out of heaven. Why? Because there's bare big titty flapping in my face. Do you know what I'm saying? God, look, no, right.

God loves a motorboat. Yeah. God. He knows the score. God is, God's actually sound. Do you know what I mean? That's the most scouse thing ever. If you'd like to study philosophy and theology at the University of Liverpool...

No, no, lads. Hey, God is sound. He's alright. He invented Gary's, didn't he? He did. He invented man who invented Gary's. So fucking get on it, lads. How do we all know?

Right. Because God... As far as we know god wrote the bible or told people to write it no inspired it didn't he he didn't write the bible inspired it inspired other people to write it divine inspiration sort of how do we know that that wasn't the devil right oh my god and he's like made everyone be like there's these rules and that god just made us all was like yeah you don't want to fuck each other have some fucking limo and that there you go on earth there's loads of trees no i'd love have a good time right and he's like yeah i'm done i'm fucking out i don't even need to keep an eye on you where does the devil come in what where does

the devil come in because the devil is god's brother and he's fuming because God robbed his idea to make a sick gaff like the earth and the devil's like nah I'm fucking ruined I'm gonna make them all think

that if they do everything God said is sound that they'll end up in hell with me that's not true God's just sweet

God's just stoned as fuck just he's forgot about us because time works differently for him so like the millions of years there's been since he made it he's just been us because time works differently for him so like the millions of

years there's been since he made it he's just been like yeah i'll put dinosaurs there for the bear and then it'll blow up and it'll lead to humans and that and he's just having he's just having a little spliff he's sat he's sat on a beanbag chair and he's just like oh how sound am i i made that sick gaffer all them humans that are having a fucking boss time now. They've got ale. They've got fucking... Boobs. They've got, yeah.

You know, Caribbean enthusiasm, good sitcom. They're like, that film's a good... I've boxed them off there. I've inspired all of it. Chocolate eclairs.

Chocolate eclairs. Smarties. It's just like, oh. It's just your list of things that God gave us. Caribbean enthusiasm and smarties. It's just like, oh. Is this your list of things that God gave us? Curb your enthusiasm and smarties. He's like, Toy Story 2. No, right.

God did, right. He gave us your dinosaurs, and then he left us alone and forgot about us. But he did write a sub-clause in Toy Story 2, Smarties, and Curb Your Enthusiasm. He hasn't forgot about us, but he's just like, they'll be silent. But that amount of time, although it's millions of years to us, it feels like it's been about half an hour to him.

Yeah, yeah. So he's just watched one episode of Emmerdale. Oh, he's with Emmerdale. My nana banging. He's watched one episode of Emmerdale. And it's coming to the end now, and he's like, fucking Zach Dingle, brat him. And now he's going to come back in a bit,

and he's going to look and be like, what the fuck's going on here? And then he'll be fuming with the devil, and then he'll come to the end now and he's like fucking Zach Dinglebrat him and now he's going to come back in a bit and he's going to look at me like what the fuck's going on here and then he'll be fuming with the devil and then he'll come in the sky God and he'll be like listen all these rules and that

nothing to do with me mate and then it'll rain garries and he'll just be like oh get off get off your tits is that the rapture what is that the rapture

it'll rain garries the scouse rapture it's gone fucking proper moody up there fucking hell it's fucking raining garries Is that the rapture? The rain, Gaddis. The scouse rapture. It's gone fucking proper moody up there. Fucking hell, it's fucking raining, Gaddis. He's like, you know this idea you've got that when you're diet shit, man. And then you'll look up and you'll see my nana banging everyone in heaven like, Nana! Now the drugs don't work.

Yeah. Imagine if God was a scouser. For a living! God is death or a scouser. There's absolutely no way God is a scouser. For a living! God is death or a Scouser. There's absolutely no way God is a Scouser. That's why we nicknamed him Robbie Fowler. Okay. And that is the first semester of theology at Liverpool University.

God is a Scouser. God, if he exists, or she exists, Adam, or they exist because God is quite likely gender neutral. There's no way it's a woman because then gender neutral um it's whatever you see in it well it's what it's it's you he's a manifestation of whatever you want him to be no I think he's a fellow like I think he's just a normal guy no but if you're going to get to heaven if there is a God and it's going to look different to everyone, it might look similar to you two. No, no, no. And I honestly think Alfie Brown had a point

a few Patreon episodes ago about Morgan Freeman. Like he's a helicopter or something? Your God is... Honestly, Carl, you sound like the voice of reason so fucking much on this podcast, but you sounded like a special kid that he's trying to steal from

at the range I've had my first LucasAid in 19 months I'm not even messing my God is a helicopter you know fucking Harold from Thomas the Tank Engine

da I reckon God is just like he is he's a if there's a God he's a humanoid type thing but he's just like, if there's a God, he's a humanoid type thing, but he's just like, you know, he's on it. Well summed up.

He's just on it, and he knows how to do stuff, and he made this as like a big party house for us. And then the devil had a little whisper and was like, hey, I'm God, mate. Don't be fucking shagging each other before you're married and that. And God's not asked. God's just like shag who you want knows the score you know

I think some of God's representatives on earth would argue with some of the points you made the greatest trick

the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he wasn't God alright Pacino's films what yeah that's not a Pacino film

is it not it's the usual suspects oh shit and like that exactly I'm talking about weed listen to the quote see

they leave clues everywhere like that he's gone it's like you smoke weed have you smoked weed in the toilet in the break because this is like

the chats we had I haven't smoked weed for about five years honestly when we were getting wrecked for the first time we were about 18 these are the fucking chats we had I haven't spoken to you for about five years honestly when we were getting wrecked for the first time we were about 18

these are the fucking chats we had these are the talks we always have and now I'm paying my mortgage with them I swear to God I think if God's real

he's actually dead sound yeah yeah because that speech it's all in that the devil's advocate speech that I imitate sometimes

he's right in it the devil's advocate speech that I imitate sometimes he's right isn't he the devil's right he gives man instincts and then what does he do he sets the rules in opposition look but don't touch

touch but don't taste PS taste those rules were not set out by God they were set out by the people who purport to represent him no

they were set out by the devil through Peter, Paul and Jesus. The Pope, priests, all bishops, they represent God. They speak for God as much as the head of the Elvis fan club speaks for Elvis. They don't speak for God, do they? They represent people who believe in God, but they don't actually speak for God. My mouth's off here. They've gone, I'm the Pope and I speak to God but they don't actually speak for god my my miles off here they've gone i'm the pope and i speak to god you don't know yeah but aren't the is it omnipotent or on

i reckon jesus was in god is yeah i reckon jesus was one of the devil's boys isn't the pope omniscient no he's just a bloke mate and a big frock no i don't believe in it but i'm saying he says omnipotent and omniscient he's not all powerful and all loving is he no he's just got all no he's got god's whatsapp oh yeah yeah yeah he? No, he's just got... He's got God's WhatsApp. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got him on speed dial. But I reckon Jesus... The church are like on God's Patreon.

Yeah. Or everyone else is just like... They get everything. But I reckon Jesus was one of the devil's boys. Look at him. He looks like a goth. Tell me I'm wrong. That was nearly as bad as God is a helicopter, that.

Jesus is a goth. Jesus looks like a goth, doesn't he? If Jesus, because they paint him in fucking white and that, put a long leather coat on Jesus, and he looks like a Satanist. We're piss testing you. Jesus looks like he hangs around the courts in the city centre. Jesus has got a skateboard.

Loves Monster. Yeah. Jesus drinks Monster by the fucking gallon, mate. Relentless Monster. Yeah. Relentless Monster. Both of them gallon Relentless monster Relentless monster Both of them, relentless monster It's another goth one isn't it Jesus' entire Spotify playlist

Is My Chemical Romance And his skateboards Like the early stuff before Black Parade And I'm not judging, be a goth all you want Goth lives matter, but he is a goth So would you rather then oh god we're such stupid

balance hey guys really enjoy the mental health podcast but hate you guys for making me teary my would you rather is we can't go from Jesus as a goth Hey, guys, really enjoy the mental health podcast, but hate you guys for making me teary. My would you rather is... We can't go from Jesus as a goth to mental health, thank you.

This is the full breadth of the fucking experience of Have A Word. This is from Angel. Angel, okay. Girl, you're my angel. You're my darling angel. Just like my peeps, you are to me. Why are you doing the Bollywood version of it? That's what he sounds like.

Girl, you're my angel. You're my darling. You're the angel, darling. Bengal to Bengali. Karoke. Mike. I fucking love a bit of shaggy you know Paul Smith

you love a bit of shaggy yeah yeah he's fucking shit hot he's got wild eyes yeah you can't see it properly he's got wild eyes

and it goes it goes it's a combination of like caffeine and concentration and like how long we've been doing it but he just looked over then he was like I love shaggy I'm like oh my god It goes, it's a combination of caffeine and concentration and how long we've been doing it. But he just looked over and he was like,

I love Shaggy. I'm like, oh my God. He needs to be CRB checked. He's fucking like, I've got your kids. I'm doing the swimming lesson. Yeah! Oh. You love Shaggy?

Yeah. I would love to be able to do the mumble raps he does at the start. How much to book, Shaggy? Yeah I would love to be able to do You know like the mumble raps He does at the start of How much to book Shaggy? The start of Angel He's gone He's gone That's Scatman That is Scatman

I'm a Shagman Yeah the train's off the track now Right You have mentioned This festival You mentioned it a couple of episodes ago Doing a festival next year Yeah, the train's off the track now. Right. You have mentioned this festival. You mentioned it a couple of episodes ago. Doing a festival next year. I have a word festival.

I can't get it out of my head as a brilliant idea. We could have live podcast. We could have you doing a stand-up show, me doing a stand-up show. We could get our favourite lids who've been on, Eshan, and we could get guest appearances by Steph Johnson fucking making Dalla Dalla

we could get Rudy on if you haven't listened to the bonus episode we put out last week with Steph Johnson it's one of the best if not the best episode we've ever done

so go and listen to it as soon as you're done with this one can I have dictionary corner yeah Carl mate we're doing we're doing a two day like we're doing

a Saturday and a Sunday in Liverpool we're doing a have a word festival you're going to make at least an appearance aren't you fucking hell We're doing a two-dayer. We're doing a Saturday and a Sunday in Liverpool. We're doing a Have a Word Festival. You're going to make at least an appearance, aren't you? Fucking hell. How much to book Shaggy to close? Oh, yes.

Who would you... We could probably stretch the budget to one live musical act. I want to do a bit of... Hey, Sheeran. Can't afford him. I think he might be out of budget. The Lighthouse family. Lifted. or simply read

alright Carl's mum thanks for those suggestions both of them knock bangers out right okay yeah but Shaggy would be

Shaggy would be funnier to close the Saturday night we've got a musical act on we've got you would want you'd want Shaggy, wouldn't you? How much to book Shaggy? You get him for five. I'd just love to throw the Shaggy,

turn it up in a fucking field in Crocky Park. Who the fuck booked me for this? It wasn't me. Yes! Yes! You rang me on Tuesday, wasn't me. You just sent me a WhatsApp, wasn't me. He's gone.

We're going to have to get some food in him. I want suggestions for the live act for the Hover Word Festival. Obviously, it's got to be post-COVID, hasn't it? Yeah. We've got a thank you show to do. We'll do a H you show to do. Do a half-a-way protest.

You love a fucking protest. You'll be in prison for protesting by then. What did you do in the second lockdown, Adam? I did about two and a half months, yeah. Half-a-way live from Walton Neck. You could be Anderson Mandela. You can do The Voice as well. Free! I want to live in a world where podcasts are legal to do live shows.

Yeah. Introduce Shaggy like that. Oh, my God. Shaggy is here. Fucking weird one, isn't it? If you just rewind the YouTube, you'd be like, were you losing your shit about government restrictions and civil liberty 28 minutes ago?

Yeah, and now he's like, Oh my God, I want to live in the world. He had beef with the government as well. Yoda. Did he, Adam? Are you likening yourself to Mandela there? Yeah, yeah. Me and Nelson were fucking almost the same.

He fought for his freedom for 30 years. I did a fucking gig in a paint factory. Me and Nelson were fucking almost the same. He fought for his freedom for 30 years. I did a fucking gig in a paint factory. Same. Exactly the same. It's not exactly the same. And Jesus is a nonce. No, he's not a nonce.

He's a goff. Carl's God's a helicopter. No. And Dan's nana is a fucking saint. Jesus is not a nonce. He's a goff. A goff. A monster drinking,ateboard wielding Leather jacket owning

Emo goth Okay What's the difference Between an emo and a goth Honestly I thought that was a joke It really It really

Like there's gonna be like Guys go Oh my god I can't even believe You're asking that question Is this like offensive To ask this question? Do they get all pissed off about it?

No, that political correctness has not gone... Not reached. You're not getting cancelled for... I cannot believe, as a goth, you just call me an emo. Emos express themselves in poetry and critiques on post-punk philosophy. Goths, on the other hand, are related to black magic, vampires and witchcraft.

And don't use the ogent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And don't use the ogent. All right yeah, yeah. And don't use the ogent. All right, cool. What website did you pull that from? Off like fucking dadsresearchthechildren.co.uk? Genuinely, the difference between.net. Wicked.

I want to live in a world where we go for a little break. Can we go for a break? You've not got a question? I genuinely don't think we can follow that level of nonsense. You need food. You've got crazy eyes. You have as well. You know it.

You know it. Now he gets like, no, I can do it. No, go on. Let's do a question. No, no, let's not. Let's not. Let's have a break. And we've got Lloyd Griffith coming in.

It's exciting. Ready? It's going to be great. I'm really looking forward to this. He's going to be quality. let's have a break and we've got Lloyd Griffith coming in it's exciting ready? it's going to be great I'm really looking forward to this he's going to be quality let's have a little interval and we'll be back with Lloyd Griffith what's the difference between

pasta and like noodles I don't know do you want to yeah tell us when Lloyd's here nice one

see you in a bit lad order order order like John Bercow says Do you want to... Yeah, I'm not... Tell us what I know you do. Nice one. See you in a bit, lad. Order. Order. Order. Like John Bercow says, if you'd like to order some merchandise, get to haveawordpod.com.

For the old motherfuckers, that's www.haveawordpod.com. Get yourself some T-shirts, hoodies, support the podcast. There's loads of other stuff up there. Go and have a look at the website, haveawordpod.com. Thank you.

Hey, hey, what you going to do? We're back. What am I fucking doing here? Hey, I'm working here. Welcome back to Park. He looks fucking terrified. What have I turned up to? What's going on? Hey, Lloyd.

Hey, mate. Mates. Mates? I've gone plural there. Sounds right. Do you know what? I was thinking about a lot that I was driven from

London. Heard of it. And I was like the last two times I saw you two were both terrifying experiences. Why? Well firstly your introduction

when you brought me on stage at Shrewsbury Castle in the Garden. Shouldn't have done that. Still have flashbacks to that. And then when I saw you, I got mistaken for Adam Rowe by Jonathan Ross, who I'd worked with twice before. And I was like, he goes,

oh, lovely, he's Adam, isn't he? I was like, no, it's Lloyd. We did the roast battle together. He was like, oh, yeah. And I was like, we all look the same, do we? On a quite diverse show. I was like, oh, we all look the same, do we? And he was like

oh just screw it off i i introduced lloyd private i introduced lloyd at shrewsbury castle and the gig we did together yeah the next night lloyd was on what do you what did i say i was like basically building you up normally and then i could see you walking around the back and in my head i was like well me and lloyd are mates i'll make this dead fun and i was like he is one of my favorite black comedians working in the uk today and shrewsbury are so white collared like oh i don't think you need to put the word collared in there they're so white yeah but they just you it was almost like the crowd wanted to just go dan Dan, he's not black. You walked on and they were obviously confused.

Could it be a joke that I was playing? I panicked because I've been gigging quite a lot since post-lockdown. I wouldn't say I was at the prime. There's a little bit of rust that you're trying to... Not totally match fit. Not totally match fit not totally match fit I'd say I'm you know not black comedian

introduction fit I'd say I'm like sub me off after 76 minutes kind of fit do you know what I mean he's had a run out I can't do the full stint but he's gone

he's put a good shift in there and so I just went I just went I'm not black and I didn't know what to do and they went yeah yeah I was like yeah

cheers Dan I literally I was on the side like went yeah yeah I was like yeah cheers Dan and you were there going I was at the side like why why because I'm like oh they're sound

Lloyd's sound the night before we'd been there and they were into that sort of silly stuff and then the Saturday night they were rigid I know exactly what it is

I know why you've done that as well because we do this at the minute three times a week and we can say whatever we want there's no audience to immediately respond to it and everyone who does watch it knows who we are now and they know that we're a pair of bellends and also two of the gigs you've done recently so i run a gig in liverpool once a month on a sunday i call it secret sundays the lineup's never listed and he's done the first two of them and we've both ended up on stage together just

talking shit for a bit and you're in that zone and you've had a thought and gone this will be fine and you're in a castle outdoors in shrewsbury to people who didn't know you didn't know him it's funny though wasn't it yeah yeah i mean i mean it was i've um got a new lady at the moment and basically brought her to the to the gig and it was one of the first times she'd if not the first time she'd seen me and uh she just went so is that an in joke between you two i was like no no it wasn't it wasn't it wasn't that's not what we do that's one of the bits of your band and it was uh yeah it was an absolutely fine gig you've got a new uh lockdown lady no uh what is it um

i don't know what that means pandemic love uh no no we just met like last month I don't know what that means. Pandemic love? No, we just met like last month. I don't know. All right, okay. Where did you meet her? The internet. Which bit of the internet? You said it like it was a pub. Have you heard of the internet?

It's switching, right? Which bit of the internet? The dark web. The dark web. Oh. How old is she? A dating app. Just a dating app.

We don't have to talk about that. All right, Lloyd. There's more stuff to talk about. Why are you getting the big dog on then talking about his girlfriend are you feeling much fit now gig wise you're back yeah kind of yeah kind of i've been so i was doing a lot of zoom gigs online and then um yeah i didn't mind them i don't mind them all but the thing is though i am i am i'm not your archetypal joke teller i will just talk or just do impressions or sing.

Do you know what I mean? Impressions? I can get away with it. Oh, no, no, no, no. Singing impressions? No, no, no, no. Singing impressions? No, do you know what?

I heard your impressions, and they're just syllables, mate. They are just syllable impressions. He's doing well, though, isn't he? Yeah. I mean, he says a bloke who literally does tape impressions, so I mean, like, it's... You do what impressions? Sellotape impressions.

Oh, come on. Have you not seen his set? like you have you never seen me before i haven't seen your sellotape impression yeah i just basically use like for like seven minutes feels time doesn't it when you've just done it there people are gonna be like that's not a proper bit and when you're in the magic of shrewsbury Castle grounds, and you've just done a racially insensitive intro, it's amazing how much it does work. I'm slotted at that. It was really, it does work.

Yeah, so it's, yeah, it's weird, but I get away with it. But yeah, so I kind of, I've been, but it's like no one's doing that. No one else is doing it, to be fair. No one's doing, hopefully no one's doing like little fat bloke that sings like a woman. No one's doing cathedral quiz. No one's doing sellotape impressions,

do you know what I mean? So I'm like... Bitingly original. Yeah, but... No one's doing the tax return on stage. Yeah, no, but... I'm edgy. When are you going to do it?

Do you know what I mean? And then that's tax deductible. Hey! But yeah, I've been doing quite a bit, really. I've been doing quite a lot of stand-up, and then we did the Jonathan Ross show, which was... I got cut. What, did you?

Yeah. From the show? Yeah. I never watched the shows that I'm on, so I didn't watch it. Yeah, so they told me, agent, like, we've cut two acts, you know, because I did a really short set.

Yeah. So they cut two of them all. And I think really what's happened is they've gone, they're just going to think Lloyd's changed his shirt. He came on very like, very similar. We did the same episode. Like,

like I don't always totally buy into this whole idea that, you know, like you can't have the same size of acts on, but if you're going to book us both for the same series, have us a week apart. You could have lost some weight, otherwise it would have been identical. I've been stopped so many times in Edinburgh

by people who think they've seen my show and they've actually saw his. I get stopped by a lot of people thinking I'm the bloke from Axis of Awesome. So it's just kind of like Russian dolls. And he gets mistaken for Jack Black. Do you know what I mean? So there'll be someone that will go, oh, you look like, you know.

I've had Sam Allardyce before. I had him in the first half of the show. Sam Allardyce? Sam Allardyce, the hunchback of Notre Dame. I think I called Quasimodo at school for a bit. Oh, so as well. Quasirodo. Quasirodo.

Quasirodo. They did, they did wordplay it was a fucking nightmare everyone in Liverpool is a comedian Quasi Roto also as well I've been looking forward

to coming on this because I remember maybe like two years ago we did a gig together and you I was like just chatting you were like

I'm not going to gig anymore podcast the future I was like what is he on about he was like mate I'm going to I'm going to do a podcast

it's going to be the future I was like alright mate I'm, mate, I'm going to do a podcast. It's going to be the future. I was like, all right, mate. I'm going to do, I'm going to do, I'm going to build a podcast studio in my house. He's like, and it's going to be like. I remember where we were and you were like, okay. It's going to be like Seth Rogen's podcast. I mean, it's going to be exactly like that.

And then I was like, oh, and then here you are. I mean, it's not in your brain. I did that and it was like, oh, and then here you are. I mean, it's not in your... I did that and it was shit. And then I did it with Adam and it was way better. Really? Yeah. Though that idea I was telling you about was the prequel to it actually being prequel.

The prequel? The prequel. Because that conversation was in 1583. I think that was just slate, wasn't it? Prequel. That's very good. That's a really good joke. That went over everyone's head. I'd that was just slate, wasn't it? Pretty cool. That's very good. That's a really good joke. That went over.

Everyone's in a party. I've just seen Carl go, he's been on the best form today. And it's the way he does it, and then he's like... I just look around like, do you get that? Do you get it?

I did a joke. I am? Yeah, he's ready. Wherever you are tonight. Hot water comedy club. I've heard of that. Yeah. And you're going up to Blackpool?

I'm off to Blackpool to the comedy station. Yeah, right under the tower. Can't miss it. So I didn't realise that. So it's doing tonight and tomorrow night. So I was quite excited. It's so well getting a comedy club going in Blackpool because it's proper old school, isn't it?

Like, Blackpool, we've had comedians here for fucking years. The same ones. Well, they used to be. It hasn't really had alternative, isn't it? Like, Blackpool, we've had comedians here for fucking years. The same ones. Well, they used to be. It hasn't really had alternative comedy, has it? The first time I played the comedy station was when it was, it used to be, have you played it when it was in the nightclub? I've never played Blackpool at all. So the one you're playing tonight is fantastic, lovely,

purpose-built room. But that brand started in a nightclub around the corner called Viva. And when I say nightclub, I don't mean like our type a nightclub around the corner called viva and when i say nightclub i don't mean like our type of nightclub it's like black pearls nightclub so there's like different rooms with different shit going on the first time i ever played the comedy station in the little small cupboard room that he had in the main room sold out with must have been at least a thousand people was a roy chubby Brown tribute act.

Oh, God. And I tell you what. That's Blackpool. That could be happening tonight somewhere in Blackpool. You know, I didn't agree with everything he said, but that delivery, you learn a lot from people like that. You really do.

That's how you... He lanes into the racial slays. He takes a breath and then... That's a mad... Gigs in nightclubs. Oh, I've done some hideous ones the one in Leeds is it the Oceania

oh Oceania where you have to walk past the door where you can hear screaming women because there's like Yorkshire Chippendales fucking getting the knobs out I could have doubled up that now well I'm from North East Lincolnshire not Yorkshire

have I told you the story of when I played that for the first time? The Jonglers Oceania? Yeah, go on now. So it was my first... I was about a year into comedy. I'd emailed Jonglers. At the time, Hot Water were trying to be agents, right?

So they'd got me... I think I'd emailed or they had on my behalf and they'd got me a tryout for Jonglers far too soon. And they said, yeah, go to Leeds and you'll be doing a 10-minute test. Is this the one where you died on your arse that you talk about on the Just In one? for Jonglers far too soon and they said yeah go to Leeds and just you'll be doing a 10 minute test is this the one

where you died on your arse that you talk about on the Just In one Yeah Just In podcast Yeah so I went to walk on like the

the company's got everyone's eating a bag of shit and it was a good bill as well and yeah he went right your next act is a new act

he's just doing a tryout tonight and he's fairly audacious and he goes and he's come all the way from Liverpool. And there was a stag to him from Manchester who just booed for a bit. And did I say who the compere was on? Oh, did you?

Do you know who it is? No, did you? Did you say who it is? Yeah. Have you never seen me before? Cain Brown. No, you do, because you've got him on the soundboard. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, yeah. You know our podcast better than... Isn't it funny? I forget what I've said on this the second I leave the room. I've listened to one episode, and it's just so happened that it's all come up today. So I look absolutely... We do that story every two weeks, though, to be fair.

We've got it on rotation. That was a fucking good one, that Leeds one. Do your Leeds one again, lad. It's an awful gig, that, though. What is it about crap gigs that comics revel in? It's something... It's like the code in it when you're like, Lloyd, you've come all this way, you've driven from London, there's been a pandemic, you've found new love,

we rarely see each other. Tell us about when you died on your fucking hoop. Your career's going great, you're doing TV. Let's hear when you suffered artistically. It's better, isn't it? I think though that comedians like telling other comedians their shit gig stories because deep down all comedians want

is for other people to like them and other comedians aren't going to like you if you're just talking about your best gigs I don't want to hear about your good gigs

tell us a stinker God I mean it'd be awful if I came on and was like look I played the O2 five times last year Wembley four times and Hammersmith Apollo three times

one of them no one wants to hear that do they supporting supporting what supporting edit that bit one of them no one wants to wear that do they supporting supporting what supporting he knows a game i know they go yeah seriously fucking out of that um but yeah but it's it's

not those gigs that you want to talk about i mean you've got them and you look and you know that they're there i mean so that's absolutely fine for. They're for you and the promoter. And I was just chatting, and I think it'd be bad if just someone hadn't died on their arse on stage. Like, it's insane. And I'm sure every single comedian, every single comedian has died, no matter who you are. If you're like,

someone like a banderman who is absolutely bulletproof, like noise next door. I was going to say Terry Alderton. Terry Alderton, I've seen, some of the best gigs I've ever seen anyone Terry Alderton I've seen some of the best gigs I've ever seen anyone ever have

in the world and some of the worst gigs I've ever seen him that's what makes him so absolutely incredible there's no one that's gone I've not had a bad gig

because it's bullshit for a start and also like that's just not how this works no matter if I've seen I've done support for a couple of big acts

and I've seen them struggle at their own gigs not badly but like struggle. Have weird ones. In like work in progress or like in big on-tour theatre shows? Yeah, big, big, yeah. Just bad tour things?

Arenas or theatres, yeah. But not like dying at a club. Just a bad night. Yeah, just like going, oh, that was a bit weird, wasn't it? You know, and just come off. I've seen Terry Alderton have a weird one. Yeah.

And it is the weirdest thing to watch a straight killer, like a murderer, have a weird one. I've seen Tom Stade be off. And it's this weird thing where you're like, it feels like it's the strangest thing. It's like Usain Bolt tripping over. You know he can be amazing. You're used to him being amazing, but everyone can can trip over watching guys like that have a weird one you're like oh my god

they're human because terry alderton fucking hoofs gigs in a way i was starting out i think i gigged with him in brighton down south it's an away leg for me felt like fucking kiev in the europa league and i was a i was new and he was the headliner and I sort of just shanked it in the middle section, the easiest bit. He went on on the Friday night and it was one of them where you're like,

it's someone ripping it when you've kind of died. I didn't have the worst one but it wasn't good enough. And then he ripped it in a way, I was at the back going, ha ha ha, maybe I should give this up.

It made me question my career and I've also seen him have a weird one. And he's so good, it's almost like freaky watching him not rip it. I've seen him have a really bad one in Edinburgh. I went and saw Terry. That can happen to anyone on any day in Edinburgh. But the thing is, with Terry, he is just one of a kind. Absolutely one of a kind. Absolutely one of a kind.

Have you seen Terry Alderton before? He does five minutes with his back to the audience. Like, doing noises. Tell him, tell him. When that doesn't work, you're too far down the fucking road, aren't you? Terry's one of those people as well where... He's one of my favourites of all time. Terry Alderton, Sean Lock, Lee Mack.

They're kind of like my three... Lee Mack's first stand-up DVD where he's got of my favourites of all time. Terry Orton, Sean Locke, Lee Mack, they're kind of like, they're my three. Lee Mack's first stand-up DVD where he's got the yellow shirt on is one of the funniest hours ever put on record. It's fucking unbelievably funny. I think that's one way he's got the joke. I remember the last thing my Nana said to me,

what are you doing in here with a hammer? Oh my God. Sean Locke is an absolute murderer. I've been really lucky I've supported Sean on a couple of nights working progress up in like near Baron Furnaceway

I've done some work with Lee a few weeks back which I really can't talk about but um what a fucking belt it's the body position

and everything literally walks in here and then three minutes later he's like I'm lying down and that's an edit point what a fucking throw that's how you play the O2

supported it's because I've been driving for the last like four hours just relax mate you're at home babe you're at home babe it's just but Terry was one of those ones

where I bet he was absolutely lovely to you as well wasn't he like at that gig like obviously he'd just seen me basically put a 4 out of 10 into the fucking weeds

yeah and he was dead nice don't worry about it mate it's alright yeah yeah yeah and then he was like yeah it's like

I remember seeing Terry like for the I saw him a friend of mine was like look you need to watch this guy called Terry Alderton I was like what the hell

he's on YouTube he's got this he's from like one of the comedy clubs in London. It's obviously like him doing like the store. It was a clip of him. It's only like 10, 12 minutes long, but it's just incredible. And it kind of like just sums up what Terry does. I was like, that's the guy from London's Burning.

I'm a massive fire engine nerd. I love fire engines. You know what? Fire engine nerd. You're a massive fire engine nerd. Yeah. I've never heard those words put in the same sentence. Yeah, I love fire engines. You know what? Fire engine nerd. You're a massive fire engine nerd. Yeah. I've never heard those words put in the same sentence.

Yeah, I love them. If you'd have asked me when you went, you know what, to just guess even like loosely where you were going with that, I'm a massive fire engine nerd. Like, what are we?

Are you for real? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it a sexual thing or just like? No, it'd be weird, mate. No, no, like for example, I've only got one of bits on me at the moment,

but like this is my wallet. This is a fire engine it's made out of recycled fire hose um genuinely i'd pass over so you're a cathedral nerd oh yeah i'm a fire engine nerd yeah and i got a girlfriend you've got a girlfriend now um so that my my um my wash bag that's in my Range Rover outside, that's got a... That's made out of recycled fire. I can't remember where I was going with this. Did you park the Range Rover before you drove around in your Peugeot 206 that I see? What are you on about?

That's to get... You know, like, you have a super yacht and then you get the little boat that goes to the dock. That's what I parked the Range Rover outside the business park and then I just brought this in. It's actually Volvo V40R design. R design, you're such a nonce.

Terry Alderton. What was I talking about? Terry Alderton. London's burning. Yeah, I was obsessed with London's burning. Why was everyone smoking weed today? I was obsessed with London's burning because I love fire engines,

still do actually, to be fair. And I've got a bit of me, yeah, anyway. So I'm like, oh, it's him. And he's like, oh, he used to present the National Lottery with Lulu. I was like, I love this guy. And then went and saw him and I'm like, oh, it's him. And he's like, oh, he used to present the National Lottery with Lulu.

I was like, I love this guy. And then went and saw him, and I was like, this is the best thing in the world. Like, it's absolutely insane. And because I always do, like, my weird impressions, he kind of, like, took me under his wing in, like, the singing stuff. And Terry's just been amazing since. He's just, like, an absolute inspiration. I love him.

And I always kind of, whenever I'm writing stuff, going, what would Terry do in this situation? And the answer is, do something that you could never fucking think of. Is that clip from, did he do a half hour comedy store mini special? Because some of those half hours,

I've seen the video, it's just store camera stuck to the ceiling. And you know, on that store camera, when you listen back to it, there's not that much laughter really, Because it's from the mic. But on this one, you know he's done well, because there's so much laughter. And you know, on that store camera, when you listen back to it, there's not that much laughter really, Because it's from the mic. But on this one,

you know he's done well because there's so much laughter. It's kind of on par. And you only really know that once you've asked for your own clip from Graham. Hey, can I get the DVD? It's an extra five.

Okay, mate. Yeah. And so, but he's doing so well that you can actually hear the laughs. It's like, oh my God. Those half hours are amazing.

Peter Kay, McIntyre, Mickey Flanagan Flanagan's great they're some of the best stand up before those guys went

the comedy store were like these guys are murderers and just before they went the Peter Kay one there should be so many more there should be

comedy club headliner specials on YouTube you can find them fuck me I want to touch on something you sort of mentioned before

which is like you know when Teddy's like amazing routines don't go that well because you sing on stage right because you've got an absolute bastard of a voice a very good one but what does that ever just not get anything every now and then it's like every now and then look i love you but i'd fucking love to see that yeah i was i'm a former chorister as well. Yeah, but it's different again. Just because he nonces around. A former what?

Chorister. Is that the word? Former. What, former? He's a former chorister. Yeah, chorister. It sounds like someone who does something with their body, isn't it?

A chorister. I'm a chorister. That's a coroner. Coroner. Coroner. Yeah, but they're similar. No, they're not. And they're both coroners and choristers.

Nana's dead. Go and see the chorister. The bitch is dead. I mean, to be fair, choristers and coroners and coroners Nana's dead go and see the chorister the bitch is dead to be fair choristers and coroners have boasted a lot of naked men to be fair

oh there you go I sang over it but you waited perfectly you found the gap and that's four runs sir thank you very much

it's an easy four we it makes me annoyed that you are getting because you've got you've got like a proper voice.

Like I had, you know, in terms of singing for choirs, you know when people played for United and then there's people like, I had trials for United. He has literally, at his level, like semi-pro, I basically had trials for Oldham Athletic. That's where I'm at in the chorister scheme of things. Pro, not semi-pro. Oh, sorry, sorry,'s where I'm at in the scheme of things. Bro, not so much bro. Oh, sorry, sorry, bro.

Sorry, sorry, bro. Have you sung in the O2? Have I sung in the O2, mate? I got a son of a bitch in the O2. Forcing him. It's in the set, isn't it, mate?

And Litchfield Cathedral. Oh, this ham's really amazing, this pizza, but it's a pizza that's amazing, isn't it? Do you think we're there? It's not great in that, is it?

But keep it in. Keep it in. They'll like it um but yeah i've sung and um they've not like and it's i've i've sung before and i've seen like two or three three or four things like as like a if i'm doing club sets it's kind of like there's a few things i do and i've sung before and they've just not applauded i go and i've just gone what the fuck like i've changed on because i'm not going no you're wrong you're wrong here like get clapping get and i've done it a couple of times i've done it once where i was supporting rob beckett on tour and they just didn't clap at the end of it and all i could hear was just him in the wings absolutely pissed themselves where i'm going right you're fucking clapping all of you all fucking a thousand you

start clapping it was just like when you've done a big performance and you're fucking clapping, all of you. All fucking a thousand of you start clapping. It was just like... But when that happened... When you've done a big performance and you're like, and I pause for applause, nothing, awkward. It works as well. Because I'm not very sort of rollicking on stage. My routines tend to be sort of at their own pace. But when you see a stand-up who does like a really ranty bit,

that when they've written it, they're like... And they're expecting everyone to go oh my god that was so the way he said that really well in that order that was so fun it was the speed and everything and when it gets uh you can just see the comics you're like that's taking me so long to learn how to do that like because it is a kind of like i never have any of those uh. I've got the nursery bit about going to Popcats and I do the,

basically, I become a musical comedian for that bit of thing. I've got to the end of that bit. Are you going to bring your youth back over there? Fuck off. I've got to the end of that bit. If no one claps,

you've given it everything. I've had my little mantis shake. I've done a whole three songs, and they're like, that was all right. And you're like, okay, I've got to catch my breath because you're meant to be clapping now. And you just look a fucking numpty. Yeah.

You just get on with it, don't you? There's a number of reasons why, and again, it was like going back onto, not to keep banging on about that episode, but where you talk about people like open micers who have been going for years, who are doing rubbish, and then they get one decent gig, and it's like, they're like they're like oh my god it's worked it's the other way around for that there's no reason why that hasn't worked it's just whatever just happens it's just it's you know the bit's still good and it's just but it's so funny when like it you go oh that that usually

kills but i i used to panic but now i'm not I'm going to have a really nice sandwich on the way home. That's experience, though, isn't it? That's experience. If you want it too hard, I don't think it helps. I think it helps. No one wants to be so laid back they're not asked at all. But as a comic, it really helps you professionally if you give a shit, but not too much.

The open spots were like, they're living every up and down too much and it becomes like but once you've been going for a certain amount of time I'm like there's routines I've got where I'm like sometimes it works

sometimes it doesn't but the routines and what you're talking about they're show pieces that really fucking murder I do just have an attitude with the audience at times if I do a bit

that I know is a solid fucking bit and has worked in comedy clubs in every fucking town in the country the Edinburgh Festival and then on tour and then a room of 100 people go no I'm just like I don't care

you're all wrong there's no way every other audience is wrong and it's either they are or you are so fuck yourselves I'm never coming back to Coventry but with that I just have to go well they're wrong I just in turn well they're wrong do you just, in turn, I go, well, they're wrong. Do you know what I mean?

But I'm not going to, you know, they might not know that they're wrong. They might go, huh? What? You know, they might not have seen comedy before. There's certain mechanisms that you get in place once you've been going for a while that you learn how to deal with certain things. It's like the Millican's Lodge. You have a bad gig, like 11 o'clock the next day, you forget about it.

And it's like, if something's not working out, you go like 11 o'clock the next day you forget about it and it's like if something's not working out you go oh I'm going to have a nice drive home tonight yeah it's a self-defence mechanism see my family when I get home so you just kind of

pull yourself together if you're doing that every night if every night you're going okay Millican's Lord I'm going to have a night you're going well something's gone wrong here do you know what I mean

if it was once every 40 or 50 gigs if every night you have to do every single coping mechanism because the gigs aren't working the jokes aren't working and you're essentially crying then if at minute 15 of every set you do you have to go oh well at least i've got heated seats in the vibe i am i actually changed your set of course of our design isn't it i don't like being warm in the car you know what i think cool drives him mad when carl's driving me around i i have a

cold in the car like it opens all the windows on the motorway. I don't. This is back to the thing about people who can't judge the fucking temperature. What do you mean? I just like being cool. So do I, but you like being dangerous on the motorway. Speaking of temperature, my temperature's been really low every time I get zapped when I go into a restaurant.

35.7 or 35.9. You're as cold as ice. Mine's low as well. Does anyone find it intimidating? Have a bouncer who are usually cunts put something up against your head in a fucking gun motion. Be like, sorry, lads.

Got to just do this. You're like, ah. What are you worried about? They don't give a shit. How do I know that's not a fucking gun? You've seen No Country for Old Men when he's got the cattle fucking killer. No. No. I don't know. I know it's not going to happen. I just don no country for old men when he's got the cattle fucking killer. No.

No. I don't know. I know it's not going to happen. I just don't like the thing of a bouncer going, let me just do that on you. Yeah, you are right. He didn't actually press it against you. It's about a foot away.

But like... Did they not kiss you? No. And also, you just know it's a thermometer. So I don't know why you're going, oh, it could be a gun. Where's he got a gun from during a pandemic? Right.

Oh, yeah, yeah. The gun market has crashed mate guns are well covid safe you can stay two metres away and murk someone knives fucking ridiculous

Rishi Sunak's not about knifings yeah fair enough great banter keep that one in Rishi Sunak keep fucking out is that the catchphrase for this no I just

if we titled episodes it'd be keep that in I'd just bin one into the into the fucking wall and everyone's like and I'd rather just own it and be like that in i just i just bin one into the into the fucking wall never was like i'd rather just own you and be like that was shit banter dan it's time to make a joke heated seats though heated seats later on that was a good laugh on it that was like honestly on the drive to nottingham in a bit i'll be like yeah that one was but there was a few

other good ones tonight i'm going to east midlands meet you know i mean playing Nottingham tonight are you? I'm going to East Midlands meet Do you know what I mean? Fucking play in Nottingham It's a Covid hotspot I couldn't give up I'm staying in the Hilton MI5 There's a man coming in Looks like a nonce Daryl's gig?

No Okay cool The other one The other place The Glee Club I'm going to the Glee Club It's the first weekend away with a hotel That I've had since what?

February? Yeah And it feels good My wife accused me of having an affair i was like i just want to lie in how much time between getting your key card for your room yeah i know where this is going and the time of your dick being in your hand oh are you gonna have a shout wank i have the towel in his hand i've not packed the cream what oh what cream what do you mean cream? My wanking cream

Oh this is not the podcast I signed up to It is It is It truly is I don't think you listened to all of that episode Have you never done that? Have you never done that? Have you never gone on an away fixture

And thought I'm going to crack one out And I don't want to go bareback No And then you think about shower gel Cream I have a little It's cream Not lubeube i ran out of lube and i've got some i've got some baby oils great for what babies no for your dick what what what

you why are you looking like that car what do you use butter what'sterly What's that Utterly You lot are Disgusting We're making A living from this How I've got a bit of Aloe vera moisturiser That's a lot

I'll treat myself right No Don't Look at me like I'm mental What's the difference It's just a moisturiser Do you put Do you put pre-roll ads

In these videos Yeah Okay And at the end as well yeah that is interesting I've got a

YouTube channel it's only three each video is only three minutes long so I can only put something at the beginning but are you doing

enough wanking stuff no no that's how you get the money in sponsors come for that has anyone looked

more relaxed than Lloyd Griffith did when he just rolled in here? It's amazing. I love to see it. It was the way that it was positioned. It was almost like, oh, do you mind laying down?

I am so happy. I was like, because I've seen people up that end. I've seen people here, and I've just thought, if I'm here, then I've got you there. I've got the camera there. I've done a bit of TV in my time, do you know what I mean? So I know I can. Oh, I can tell.

And so, yeah, I just think this is like the best best you know if i need to have a little that's you know it's equipped with a side glance i mean you've nailed it like a flea bag or you know like a you know so it's yeah yeah yeah he took one look at the room and he was like no i know where i need to be so second guest in the rows lay down Steph Johnson lay down Steph Johnson Steph Johnson I'll have a word with her or him have a word could be an F

should we have a so weird talking about interval breaks shall we have a little mid-roll on this who was talking about interval breaks oh I talked about mid-rolls

he did talk about mid-rolls it was a little it was a segway Nutella for wanking yeah cha upset me Spanish Nutella

mama like that Mama like that Mama like that Okay Smooth I love it I love it when we do that I can't I can't tell if we're still

Doing an episode If we're out for a break So I just shut up Do you know how hard it is To edit when I don't know that It's exactly half an hour in No it's fine I'm still gonna edit it But I'm saying when break so I just shut up do you know how hard it is to edit when I don't know that it's exactly half an hour in no it's fine I'm still gonna edit it

but I'm saying when you go let's shut up and then keep talking it's fine it's getting fucking getting a bit like this isn't it it's starting to just get a bit like

this is mine and you two are just guests mine mine it is starting to feel like that but you know what that's I'm happy with that

as long as we still get a like as long as yeah yeah yeah just yeah you do everything Mine. Mine. It is starting to feel like that. But you know what? I'm happy with that. As long as we still get a... Like, as long as... Yeah, yeah. Yeah, just, yeah. You do everything. Tell us what to do, and it's all sound. He's going to start ruining these episodes, you know,

because he's starting to get on to the fact that we don't watch them. And he's going to start putting pictures and stuff in, and he's told me. Lloyd watches them more than we do. Mate, I do. What's your favourite Christmas carol? Just before we crack on to the...

Adam's done some prep. I just... Chorister to chorister. What are you saying to Bleak Midwinter? I like Bleak Midwinter. You've got to show some restraint with it. It's in the... In the Bleak Midwinter.

Come on, I've got some pipes. Yeah, so like Coventry Carol or... Coventry Carol is like a decent one but I'm talking these are quite nice yeah can I do a fucking Christmas song to these

or if you want you've heard in the have you never heard in the bleak midwinter before or once in Royal David City Jingle Bell Rock yeah but he'd do it all like Scouse

like once in Royal fucking David City stood and danced we burnt his house down Are you a baritone, Lloyd? No, he's a tenor. Yeah, baritone.

Step into Christmas. That's a song, mate. It's a Christmas song? Yeah, it's a Christmas song, it's not Christmas Carol. What's the difference? Are we recording? Yeah. Wow.

How is this making money what's the difference between a carol and a song what what is christmas carol because it's all christian and noncy

that's a carol can we not help john noncy with this all right i feel like in the bleak midway no do you

know step into christmas together that's that's like watch the snowfall forever the bleak midweek. You don't have that. Step into Christmas together. We can watch the snowfall forever and ever. What kind of Catholic school did you go to? Jingle bell,

jingle bell, jingle bell rock. How scouse is that? Right, we're going to have a Christmas carol. We're going to go Home Alone on the fucking soundtrack.

Driving on for Christmas is the one, no wonder. Okay, I mean, you need, sorry, not to... You need to do a little bit of education around this. So you're singing songs that are quite popular songs,

which, you know, I don't mind. Christmas songs. I don't mind a bit of Wizard every now and then, or a bit of Slade. Slade. But these are Christmas carols, are carols that are caroled, okay? So that's the correct term.

They're caroled in churches and around towns. Okay, so these are all ancient stuff. So talking about the birth of baby Jesus. When I was a kid, though, we sang All I Want for Christmas is You by Malaya Kelly in church. Yeah, I mean, a lot of questions there. I doubt you got a very good off-stage right here, mate, to be fair. Outstanding.

The church was part of the school ground St Margaret Mary's and we sang a few of your little Jesus ones and then they went actually actually let's get Mariah Carey on and they played a CD player

just one CD player and the whole church full of the whole year sang All I Want For Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey so is that

now a Christmas carol no why because I'm not sure that's definitely a church you were in

I think it might have been your uncle Jeff's house if you've basically got like a nativity scene and you're aiming that at the baby Jesus in the cradle

all I want for Christmas is you then I guess you can get away with it do you know what I mean but ultimately these are songs the carols are songs

around the nativity. He's not enjoying this, is he? No, no, no. It's got to be done properly. With certain things, if you called a fire engine a fire engine, I go, well, it's a fire appliance.

I mean, it's not actually a fire engine. Do you know what I mean? It's a fireman. It's a firefighter, actually. It's 2020, dickheads. Sex with girls. But with proper choral music and stuff like that, I do get a little bit of that.

It's fun to have a joke, but can we just have a little bit of separation here? Is that okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mariah Carey, she slays you wizards, you Chris Rears, all that lot.

They go into the Christmas songs. Christmas carols, once in Royal David City, away in a manger, in the bleak winter. The Pogues? The King's Winter song. Because it was...

If it's got a YouTube video, it's in the song category okay really no okay so don't be a dickhead obviously what about

every now and then I'd say pre-1900s pre-1900s carol post-1900s song what changed in the 1900s

what was the big thing well people just stopped believing in Jesus didn't they and God and all that lot what about shine Jesus shine where do you stand on that is that a modern a modern carol it's not really for me and it's just a church song and yeah it's just church a song but yeah

it's it's fine yeah i mean i love how of all the things we took the piss out of that was the one he was like there's the line lads yeah there's the fucking line so i think official video away in a manger i mean you away in a manger I mean away in a manger okay so the YouTube thing was actually like obviously what I'm saying is

oh god like away in a manger well that's not the original melody is it no he's having a he's going freestyle

on this this is weird that's not that's not that's no so that's not He's gone freestyle on this. This is absolutely ridiculous. This is weird. That's not, that's not, that's, no. So that's not a carol anymore? It's a carol because it's, it's, it's a carol, yeah, it's still a carol, yeah. But he's bastardised it. Yeah, but he's used his own, or their own melody to do it. Jesus was a bastard.

Jesus was a goth, according to you. A goth bastard. Jesus was the OG. Let's get this back on the tracks. That was my fault. I just thought you'd be like, yeah, like this one. And apparently it was just a big argument about fucking carols. I'd love to have seen your nativity. Right, lads. A fucking priest in

an Everton top. Come on! Fucking Christmas here, kids! Hey, I tell you this, fucking Herod was a sorry. Do you know what, though? Seriously, like, I know you're all fucking Herod was a sorry. Do you know what, though? Seriously, like, I know you're all into these songs and that because it's your job and that,

but wouldn't Christmas carolers knocking at your house be more welcome if they sang some of the good songs? Like what? What are the good songs? Mariah Carey, The Pogues. The Darkness. The Darkness. I believe in the thing called love.

I'm going to put it before that. No, no. Because that's a song for a band and it's a different style. Whereas if you have four or eight or 16 carolers turning up your door doing a lovely four-part harmony of Once in Royal David's City, that's lovely. That's traditional. That's nice. If you've got someone doing a karaoke version of All I Want for Christmas,

I'd be like, what are you doing you lunatic no I'm not saying just fucking your auntie Joan knocks at the door and like I'm gonna sing I'm talking eight like crowds

I love a bit of crowd singing so like 16 kids turn up at your house and they're like one two three four it's the Christmas did you just do it you just did the

oh my god he did it without even thinking he went back to childhood primary school counting the rhythm like on a finger I like I normally if the carolers knock I'm always like He did it without even thinking. He went back to childhood, primary school, counting the rhythm like, on a finger.

I normally, if the carolers knock, I'm always like, yay, and I get them halfway through and I'm like, oh, here's a quid, fuck off, right? But if they were singing

the pogues, I'd, you know, I'd give them a note and I wouldn't like, I wouldn't shut the door. So scouse. I feel like, he's got nothing,

he's like, I feel like carolers could be making more money if they actually put some if they were doing some actual tunes Yeah well I'm a caroler

mate and I've got a Range Rover alright keep that in I used to love And a Volvo So what's your favourite caroler? I'm going to say

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WORD at Manscaped.com. Two mics, two leads and a lot of time on their hands. This is Havawad. I've got some would you rathers for you.

Is that all right? I love them. Yeah? You ready? Yes. So, I've got four. So, see, I might send you a couple. But I know you're a big sport guy, aren't you?

Yeah. Footing mainly. Yeah. Are you a Grimsby town fan? Yeah. How are you doing? Not very well We haven't played for the last two weeks

Because we got Covid And we're second bottom of the league So all in all Not ideal Great start to the season Three lads are dead And we're fucking four points off the bottom Do you have like

A second team that you follow? Like a big team? So when I was growing up I used to go to Because my mum used to work Saturdays So it was cheaper for me to go With my cousin Saul Tra, because my mum used to work Saturdays, so it was cheaper for me to go with my cousin to

Old Trafford on a Saturday with a £9 adult ticket than it was for mum to pay for a babysitter. So I had a

penchant for Peter Schmeichel which then resulted in me going to see Man United for like two seasons. You're just a bit

of a Schmeichel fan? Yeah, I love Peter Schmeichel. I'm obsessed with Peter Schmeichel fan yeah I love Peter Schmeichel obsessed with Peter Schmeichel and fire engines fire appliances you're so on the spectrum

it's amazing and syphilis yeah have you ever had a dream about Peter Schmeichel being a fireman 100% no

I've had a dream about Peter Schmeichel doing certain things to me like getting me over his shoulder and stuff like that like a fireman like a firefighter

if you're going to have a jolly onto the gay side of things it's not with Peter Schmeichel is it things to me, like getting me over his shoulder and stuff like that. Like a fireman. Like a firefighter, yeah. If you're going to have a jolly onto the gay side of things, it's not with Peter Schmeichel, is it? Great lump of a Danish goalkeeper. He's massive, he's blonde. Absolutely no way he hasn't got an absolute weapon. Oh my God. He's going to

spin you on his dick, Adam. That's how that'll go down. Yeah. You're the bottom with Peter Schmeichel, you know. What? He's getting his dick, Adam. That's how that'll go down. Yeah. You're the bottom with Peter Schmeichel, you know. What? He's getting his dick out. Your dentist's stringing me. Your dentist's stringing you. Hello?

It is, yeah. Could I give you a call back in a bit? I'm just in the middle of recording something. Thank you. Bye. Leave that in.

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Would you rather never be able to watch sport again or only be able to watch sport, no other form of entertainment? Never watch sport again. Really? Yeah. How about you? Can you classify all the other entertainment

and I'll make a decision? So you can still listen to music, but you can't watch the music channel? No, Phil, because then you'd be watching it. You can't watch any other form of entertainment. You can't watch films, you can't watch TV shows. You can still listen to podcasts.

Any visual entertainment is gone. What about sports movies? Nope. The theatre? Nope. That's gone anyway. I can't watch the ballet anymore. Nope. The theatre? Nope. That's gone anyway. I can't watch the ballet anymore? Nope. Shame!

I... You can't watch any dog fighting? Right. Okay, good. Let's not talk about your nativity again. I think because I can listen to podcasts and I can hear, like, radio, I might listen to podcasts and I can hear radio, I might have to keep sport.

I'd definitely keep sport, but you wouldn't. So you can't watch TV again? Nope. You can't go to a concert, a gig? Nope. Never been to one anyway. How much comedy? Sorry, you haven't been to a music gig in your life?

Nope. I've been in a pub and someone's got a guitar house. So you've never been to like bought a ticket to see I bought a ticket to see the Spice Girls but no one had come with me

I went last year yeah I was meant to go I've got another story I'll come on and tell you two years once the

NDA's run out about Spice Girls concert Jesus Christ how are you not telling it now because the NDA keep that in well I thought you

said MDMA. I was like, is everyone on drugs? He's fucking off his phone. I'll tell you when the MDMA wears off. But you've never been to see... Who do you listen to when you listen to it on Spotify? Oh, it's not good. It's not good.

I've got a real eclectic taste. Eminem. Pre-2007. The Witched. Tupac Oasis of Monsters and Men Kings of Leon Pink

She's like Burton Shakira Yeah This is literally like co-op radio isn't it It's Arcadia radio

R. Kelly We need a Not anymore We need a little bit for Topshop bit for Dorothy Perkins a bit for Burton's It's like you know

you've gone Oh let's listen to Adams Oh yeah we can splash that up But yeah no I love going to anymore we need a little bit for top shot bit for Dorothy Perkins a bit for Burton's it's like you know you've gone oh let's listen to Adams oh yeah we can splash that up but yeah no like I love going to live Hamilton soundtrack I went to

see Hamilton keep it on the tracks guys hated it fucking hell really enjoy it Hamilton don't say that but yeah so for me it's like I love sport and I love so

many different sports but there's so many other things that I do enjoy that I just here's my playlist called Favourites. Now, I haven't listened to this one in a while, but this is from about two or three years ago. And this is...

Look, I'm not making this up. This is real. So it's Skinny Love by Birdie, When You Say Not On It All by Ronan Keating, Sailor V by Bewitched, Bring It All Back by S Club 7, Hard Knock Life by Jay-Z, Ghetto Gospel by Tupac,

Burn by O'Shea, Little Talks of Monsters and Men Raise Your Glass by Pink Breathe by Sean DePoel Lose Yourself

by Eminem Till I Collapse by Eminem featuring Nate Dogg Sing for the Moment by Eminem Royals Live by Lorde

Forever the Wire and Honey and I by Haim One Week by the Barenaked Ladies Ray Charles by Chitty Bang Airplanes Part 2

featuring Eminem and B.O.B. from Hayley Williams, A Hair So Good from the Luminites. It's like the last ten years hasn't happened. What happened, Adam? Did your iTunes just not update? Happy by Pharrell,

Place Your Hands by Reef, How Do I Live by Liam Rimes, Can't Fight the Moonlights by Liam Rimes. All right, we get it, we get it. All About That Face by Meghan Trainor. You're fucking out of fashion. It's literally like a special CD called Now That's What I Call

Say It Again by Precious say it again say yeah say the words so it's easy for him to give up music

I mean that's understandable he's got a really bad palate if you don't know what I'm saying but when you're a Grimsby fan

is it easier to give up sport well you asked me to give up all sport there aren't you yes so yeah it's not easy to do that what's your other penchant is it easier to give up sport? Well you asked me to give up all sport there aren't you? Yes. So yeah it's not

easy to do that. What's your other penchant when it comes to sport? I go to the boxing quite a lot. Really? Who did your

last see fight? Oh who did I last see fight? It might have been either one of Chisora or Dillian White fights.

Wembley? O2, yeah. Must have been weird. Like, Lloyd, you were only here last week playing it. Keep that in. You know what? I know the place. Did you support the fight?

Yeah. Guys, guys, I know you're there for boxing, but have you ever duct taped? Right. Honestly, I supported someone. I was a ring person. Okay? All right? I wasn't a ring girl. It's 2020. You can be anything you want to be, babe. I was a ring person okay all right

I wasn't a ring girl it's 2020 you can be anything you want I was a ring person just going around yeah um but yes I go um me and Rob Beckett go to

boxing quite a lot and I go with his brother to this ultimate fighter one as well which is just like a knockout where like a boxer has to fight three

times in one evening it's insane oh it's like shorter fights and then it's almost like they do quarterfinal semi final yeah so it's done so that you get a bit of breathing time then in the they have like a half an hour break where they'll just have like a show fight on and so like granite zack was there

i think there might be a market for that you know winner stays on fighting well it's just bad luck will fight in that isn't it really yeah i thought you're gonna say winner stays on comedy but you wouldn't be able to have winner stays on because it's just it knuckle fighting, isn't it, really? Yeah. I thought you were going to say winner stays on comedy. But you wouldn't be able to have winner stays on because it's just, it'd be so unfair because someone would have had a seven minute breathing space,

which makes such a massive difference. Yeah, they have like, basically, you can give them a little five minutes, have a Ribena and get yourself ready for the next one. Yeah.

If it doesn't work, does it? Because the last guy to fight has got a really good chance of winning the whole thing. You know, Dave, that's just sat there these lads are fucking just saying themselves just say like to win you have to win like eight in a row right this this is what they're doing is a quarter finals a semis a finals with joe fights in the middle and at the night you've got like a prize fighter at the end yeah yeah it's great and he wins a contract and wins i think it's

like 50 grand or something so we went and saw that at the Indigo in the O2. Yeah, I go to quite a bit, been to York Hall a couple of times in Bethnal Green, watched a few fights there. What's the atmosphere like? I've literally never, I like fighting. At the O2 it's, I like fighting.

I like fighting. I've never done it. I'm a massive fucking pussy. From someone who just doesn't understand any of combat sports. No, I like fighting when they hit each other in the sticks. You know, I remember back in the day, yeah. It's a weird one because it depends who's fighting and what the following's like. Because you can, you know, if there's a bit of a hearty following,

then it can get a bit tasty in the crowd. I've always been lucky in that I've either always been ringside, or not literally, but within that block or in a box. But it's fun. It's like, yeah, you enjoy it. It's tasty. I would like to go to see a fight, like if we can. A fight?

A fight? What do you mean? That's not the wrong Terminology is it I got You go and see a fight It just sounds Weird

Yeah I went So one of the I got I got so drunk At a fight once It was at the O2 I can't I think it was

Takan And As me going Oh yeah I love boxing But I can't remember What the fight was Two blokes You mean like

Being in a room and shouting at people while they're punching each other? Yeah, so I like going to junglers gigs. Very niche. But, yeah, I got so pissed. There's two brothers called the McDonald brothers who were from Doncaster, I think that's right. And one of them basically just kept free pouring vodka

into my drink without me really realising. That was a bit of fun. And I was just so drunk. You know Michael Boffa, the, Let's get ready to rumble! Producer's brother. I was so drunk, he went to bed. I was chatting to him in the after party thing

and he went, OK, so I'm going to go to bed now. He doesn't talk like that away from the mic. Honestly, it's like, he's so American. It's like, OK, like okay Lloyd well I'm gonna go to bed now let's get ready I was so drunk I had to

text Tony Bellew the next day to apologise I go hey mate do I need to apologise for anything because I don't

remember getting home or anything he's like mate you were just on the cusp mate but fucking hell you were funny

I was like okay phew because you don't really want to piss Tony Bellew off because he doesn't hold back. Yeah. And he'll let you know.

But yeah, Tony, yeah. So you're going to remove all of this from your life just to watch what? Breaking Bad again? Not Breaking Bad. To go and listen to... I'm a big... Because I've got a degree in music.

And so I'm a big wanker. Still listen to it? Yeah, you can still listen to it but I love to go and watch stuff theatre opera I tell you what though if you meet someone

Laura would be fucking fuming if I was like sorry love we can't watch anything tonight film TV or anything if she loves you I don't know would you rather

but we can watch nothing we can watch like Real Sociedad on Sky Sports she'll be fucking fuming. Tuesday night, let's watch a film we can't. Come on, love, they're away at Oviedo. What do you mean you're leaving me?

Nothing gives me the feeling like a Liverpool win, especially a big win. Like, I've never felt like, had the feelings. When Liverpool beat Barcelona 4-0 to overturn that 3-0 deficit, there's not a film or TV show that can possibly match that feeling so I'm not

I'm not giving up sports yeah but it's not meant to is it you know you don't get to the end of Breaking Bad like oh he's really invested in the season finale

I get that and I've had quite a similar one when Grimsby overcame a 1-0 deficit to Braintree in the playoff semi-final for the National League.

You know what I mean? Omar Pogol and Porrick Hammond. Do you know what I mean? But still, I think I do want to see... Like, I've never nearly broke me back over an episode of EastEnders.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Whereas when Origi made a 2-0 in Madrid, fucking near killed myself, mate. That was a great goal that Origi got. Great.

I would like to see a fight, though. And I think that's the terminology if we could a punch job you get decent fights at MEM when everything can go back to

normal or like looking forward to it looking forward to it at MEM or the M&S

direct arena I've played them all Jesus Christ what's the next one would you rather be able to

smell human shit every second of every day or once a day you have to smell the armpit of a passerby but it's a proper deep inhale like a like what you know is right in the air i wish everyone

could have just got what i got right but you can never explain what you're doing to the stranger so constant shite human shite and you know the difference between human and dog shit it's different you just know when it's human or once a day without explaining it and Covid's gone so you're not worried about

distancing and that you've just got to get yourself come on do a little test on me now what am I I've just done it I don't want to do it again I'm fresh I'm pretty fresh

I mean yeah it feels like you haven't really thought that through like the armpit 100% such an obvious answer is it I mean,

you are probably going to get punched in the face occasionally. No, just pick an old woman. No, you don't get to, you don't get to, you don't get to pick. Doesn't it just,

doesn't like, doesn't it just like red light go up? Either way, it's a short part of your life that you've just got to deal with it and you know it's going to happen. But to smell that smell every single day,

every single second. Horrible. Do you know how many people get used to it though? Like people who live in farmland. But the thing is though, in this situation, I don't think you need

to get used to it. If you can just go, I'll just sniff an armpit for five seconds. Also, armpits, less offensive to me than crotches, sometimes breath.

I would honestly, if someone said, you've got to right now sniff my pit or sniff my fingers oh my god fingers are dirty yeah

someone's breath if you said someone's breath I'd be like that'd be a dilemma but the armpit easy and have you heard of deodorant

yeah that solves most things now yeah it's always the armpits of someone who works in CEX oh that's not fair, is it? But at least they've got the plexiglass.

Surrounded by Game Boys and... Are we really saying that it's hate speech to say that people who work in CX occasionally have a bow problem? I think it's awful. Do you? Next one. Good luck trying to trade into your FIFA 2019, mate. Would you rather constantlyantly be closed lips smiling

Like that Or Constantly be resting bitch face They stay that way regardless of what your actual emotions are Smiling It's a bit creepy that one Doesn't matter Your mum's dead

Yeah What if you see a car crash And you go over and they're like, there's bodies everywhere. Someone ring the police. Ring an ambulance. You're like. Exactly. But the thing is, though, that's not my problem.

Because they're just like, they've got to look at it. And they'll be like, he's weird. I'll be like, no, I'm trying to. Hey, yeah. Can I call the ambulance? Ambulance, please. Do you know what I mean? I'm not bothered. I don't have to see that, apart from when I'm brushing my Hey yeah Pick up the ambulance Ambulance please Do you know what I mean I'm not bothered

Like I don't have to I don't have to see that Apart from when I'm Brushing my teeth off it Maybe if I'm like sad And I look myself in the mirror I'm like What's going on

You fucking freak But then that's like Quite rare But what if someone Like breaks down And like Lloyd I've I've had the test back

And It's It's pretty bad. I've got two months to live. Why are you smiling, Lloyd? You know about the condition? No, you can't tell anyone. Oh, yeah.

To be fair. But they've known me. If someone that close is telling me... You've got to extend... You're not thinking any of these through, Adam. I'm really sorry, mate. I love it when people get into them. That's ridiculous.

Yeah, but that person who has felt compelled to tell me that they've got such a bad, you know, situation in their life, there's a reason why they're telling me that. I mean, presumably friends, lover, family. I mean, therefore, this isn't the first time we've met, so they know about that. So that's fine. It's only in situations where, you know...

Yeah, strangers. I've just been mugged. Guys, can you help me? I've just been mugged. And they're going, what? That's the situation where it's a bit weird. But then again, he's just having to explain himself, I suppose, too.

No, it's not resting up, Seth. I fucking hate in a crowd when you're having a good night and then there's just some fucking punter with a fucking hate in a crowd when you're having a good night and then there's just some fucking punter with a fucking face like a slapped heart

like and it's it is resting up's face would you rather that or just awful or just that smile like

no matter what you're doing you're ripping it would you rather that that's more than you look a bit simple when we did the Jonathan Ross show

and they made everyone in the audience wear a mask with a smile on it. It throws you, bro. It was fucking terrifying. Let me tell you right now, you don't want a room full of people just...

I saw it. It's not good. On that one, Rob came up and went, did you say no? The mask would throw you. I didn't think they would. He went, it'd do. So I literally watched people in the masks

just for like 10 minutes just to get myself into that. And it's like, you can't, it's a weird situation. It was a gag. I watched the start. I watched him trying to explain it. Like, this will be funny. And you're like, it wasn't. You should have just left it as masks.

But yeah, even if you've got the masks on, I think you've got to reference it. It's just like, and I think that way they did. It just made it harder for the comedians. But in the end, you've got an edit and that's beautiful. So it doesn't mean much. Keep that. But I i um yeah i'd say smiling i think smiling i'd rather have the bitch face me you know what as well and also and this is really wanking me but my whole thing in life is to make people happy and it sounds so it's like that is literally all i want to do

that's why my stand-up is so i'm always about the joke it's always me that's the bell end in it i don't like taking the mick out of people on stage just because, like, I just want people to be happy. And that is, you know, it goes back to issues of me just wanting to be loved. But at the same time, it's like, I just want people to be happy. And, like, I will very rarely be nasty to people on stuff. So if you can see someone walking down the road and they're smiling, you automatically feel like, oh, what's he smiling for, do you know what I mean

so I think that's quite a nice thing to kill three people I've got away with it you've killed three people but you're walking past say 200 people a day and you're making them feel happier do you know what I mean, so on average is it worth it? I loved how you just did that maths

three people are dead but 200 people are smiling that's the moral quandary though isn't it like if murdering someone every six months makes you a better person oh it's about murder he's going to kill someone one day

and who's he here with all the time if you kill one person every like six months but it makes you a better person to enrich the lives. If you just need it out of your system, is that morally acceptable? Haveawordpod at gmail.com if you'd like to get involved.

Is it though? No. I love it, I love it. Because you're making more than one person. Are we actually answering the fucking question? It's a serious question. I think legally, no. I didn't say legally, I said morally. It's not just the person who. It's a serious question. I think legally, no. I didn't say legally.

I said morally. It's not just the person who dies who's unhappy, you know. You've got me. Twice a week. It's my life. What, have you just killed lonely people? How you doing, mate? You all right?

Yeah, I'm all right, mate. In the bleak. I'm feeling really well. Sorry. Do you ever have a word? Yeah. Ready? It's time to have a word with Adam and Dan.

Tell us all the problems you have with your friends. This was going to be the whole podcast. Now it's just the final 10%. Oh! Great carol. Great carol. So, I'm going to give Lloyd the option. So, we've got tattoos.

Have a word to like problem solving. Yeah, yeah. Cool, cool. Reverse agony and sorts of things. Tattoos. Dirty neighbour. Dirty. Slaggy auntie.

Dirtying Scouse is great. Dirty. Slaggy Auntie Dirty in Scouse is great Dirty Slaggy Auntie Or New Manager Let's go with New Manager Ooh New Manager

Can't like this one New Manager for three Desmond Tutu And Ace Ventura Weird Very, very creative Love the podcast And want you to sort

my mate's head out for me. He's recently been promoted to bar manager in work which is sound but he's become an absolute bellend and the power has gone

to his head. He's gone from being one of the boys to being a bellend who tells us what to do. He's overly nitpicky with menial jobs and he's talking to us

like we're beneath him. It's just a joke. He's a casual fan of the podcast and he'll probably hear this so yeah, have a word with him. His name's Nick. Oh like we're beneath him. It's just a joke. He's a casual fan of the podcast, and he'll probably hear this. So, yeah, have a word with him. His name's Nick. Oh, we know a Nick.

Who's a bar manager. Also, do you know when I decided exactly how this was going to go, our opinion on it, when I heard casual listener, I'm like, well, I think I have just come down on one side of this. What do you reckon it's a it's a tough one because obviously Nick

has just got a promotion and especially in this day and age you know what I mean with these scary times you need to be keeping that job and you need to be

showing your line manager that you're doing a good job so it's a it's always difficult when you have to manage your friends or family. It is fucking horrible.

It's horrible, yeah. I'm about to get into a situation... We don't really do real advice. All right, do you know how? No, he's very grown up, though. Offensive opinions. Offensive opinions. Just go again.

Yeah. Nick can go fuck himself. Yeah! You casual numbs. is that the kind of thing you want yeah all right have you ever been a manager have you ever been a manager yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah well i had a different i was i was a producer um for an experiential live marketing agency um who did an experiential live marketing agency he did events globally um so yeah

I did I was a manager for a little while have you ever been promoted at any point? I got promoted to what was my job? supervisor

and you were a massive cunt I wasn't a massive cunt wow this is next but I you do have to I empathise with it a bit because you do

you do get lent on by the people above you like the bar managers and that they're like you're not staff anymore you have to tell people what to do

why are you allowed to give normal advice I got fucking ripped for it this is unbelievable this is my podcast mate so but for 50p an hour you're basically

he wasn't my supervisor by the way alright fuck that alright mate not until now mate that's what they do though innit

the bosses are like we'll make you a supervisor Come on, you'll get 50p an hour extra And now be an arsehole 20p 20p an hour extra But I just wanted the I'm a competitive guy, aren't I?

I've gone up the list there I'm climbing the ladder to Owning my own bar Do you think you'd be a good boss? If this really kicks off And we've got fucking Whole production staff Do you think you'd be a dead sound boss? Yeah, yeah yeah yeah just do what you're fucking told and i won't have

to tell you off that's exactly what i do oh that's great just do your cunting job and everything will be fine there is a skill to being a sound manager if you can if you can pitch it by going look i'm not gonna fuck around we've got a job to do. General manager, thank you. You need to get the authority right and then also not be an absolute mini Hitler. I did it where I was friends with the staff and it was like, hey, why are you being a knobhead to me? That's the way, isn't it?

And you're like, oh, sweet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just depends what your demeanour is like as well because if you seem to be a pushover, then people will push you over whereas I mean I wouldn't really mess with you in any situation to be fair Carl because he's editing it

so I think it just depends who you are as well and Nick I think Nick just going back to serious advice might think ah shit I need to stamp my authority here it might calm down but for the time being just rinse him outside of work just rake just rinse him outside of work. Just rake his life out outside of work.

Create a new WhatsApp group. Don't delete him from the one he's in. Just still talking there every now and then. Make a new WhatsApp group and call it like Nick's a twat and talk about something like that. Get it all out. That's the worst. That people who do fucking sub.

Sub WhatsApp groups. Yeah, but they've got to deal with the dickhead somehow. Horrible. does someone do that to you no I just I've seen you sure maybe they have

how would I know every time you send me a private message on whatsapp although not that genuinely haven't happened I feel like going god what's

about to go down here why are we not in the like podcast group it's the three of you the podcast group yeah

just cunty isn't it don't get gel that's cute don't get jelly. That's cute. Don't get jelly, baby. That's cute. Can we do Dirty Neighbour as well?

I really want to see what Dirty Neighbour was about. Is that possible? I actually wanted Tattoo. Oh, do you? Oh, no, no, it's guest. No, no, no. No, guest preference. Side and vote.

What is it? Dirty Neighbour or Tattoo. Tattoo? Yeah, it's right. It's right. Coming in your head, coming in your head, coming in your head coming in your head coming in your head is that the song sure

all the things I said all the things I said all the things I said the lesbian one that was great when we were in school yeah they've just come out you should check them out

they'll be right up your street it's a fresh it's a fresh new beat for you to get on with 2006 oh that's a good one keep playing that was very popular

in the old boys game why does it make me laugh? He pretended to edit as we go. It's really got me today. You know what would be really funny? If you just cut out

all of the keep that ins but not the actual things just where he says it. And at the end just keep it. Alright lads loving the pod can you please have

a serious word with our mate Charlie. He seems to be enjoying getting bent over and shafted by his boss because he works like a dog for shit pay most people wouldn't even get out of bed for. With the little money he

has, he spends it on horrific tattoos you'd expect to find in a kid's sticker book. Sticker book. And it's only getting worse. Fucking hell. One of his new designs is a prison tattoo and we're sure he's never even walked past one, never mind being in one. He likes to show off his new ink at his local pub where he often ends up he often ends the night hanging out the back

of a sea creature jesus christ next to a table full of mozambique we decided to take him to bali on a lad's holiday to have a word but instead after a few games of STI bingo he ended up with another awful tattoo across his leg saying I came to Bali to find meself He likes to think of himself as a real rock and roller but we feel he needs to just

he needs a two stretch to calm the flash fucker down. We're deeply concerned about our mate Charlie but he won't listen to us. Please have a word lads from Aaron and Marty. So, he's working for shit money, he's spending all his shit money on tattoos, and he's a bit of a manslag. Nothing wrong with that.

Can't judge that, can we? Any of it. Nah. No, no, the manslag bit. We're not in any position to be like, it's disgusting, you need to find someone and settle down. Jack use! But in terms of the tattoos, it's a difficult one because find someone and settle down but in terms of the

tattoos it's a difficult one because they're done aren't they the tattoos you're well more of a slag than I am or what you were

more of a slag than I am I was a bit of a dirty boy back in the days as long as he's happy like and he's

getting his tattoos and he's enjoying his tattoos he might regret him later on down the line but that's what laser surgery is for he's just gonna have to work double shifts in order to pay He might regret them later on down the line, but that's what laser surgery's for.

He's just going to have to work double shifts in order to pay for it. You can't laser surgery your whole body, though, can you? I'm sure it's possible. It'll just take ages. You're just going to look like Deadpool. Yeah, but that's fine there, isn't it? No, there's a... I mean, you can laser surgery off, like, I love, you know, Darren, and then you've got a bit of a weird bit of skin. But if you've had him everywhere...

He's gone. You all right? It's a long drive in the Range Rover. How lucky would it of skin. But if you've had him everywhere, he's gone. You all right? It's a long drive in a Range Rover. How lucky would it be, though, if you got an I love Darren and Darren fucked off and you met another Darren? What are you looking for?

What are you looking for, Sophie? I just want, you know, specifically a Darren. Yeah. But when would you show him the tattoo? About six years in. No, three or four weeks in, go, look, I know this is a bit keen,

but there you go. Oh, it's faded quite a lot. lot yeah it's actually the style of it i'm not i'm one i'm one are not two oh shit tattoos were done well are super fucking cool some girls with it's so sexy and when it's got wrong it's like oh it's just a shit top you can't take off in it it's like you know when someone buys bad club and you're're like, ooh, someone spent some money on a fucking clothes shop and shouldn't have. But tattoos are forever. Well, it's like they get used to it and then they be, they like, no,

I've not got any tattoos. Like, I do like a sexy tattoo on a girl, though. Do you? Where do you like it? Arms. Anywhere. Foot, arms. Leg.

Yeah. Oh, he loves a thigh tattoo. Oh, yeah. Thigh tattoo. Side one. No, he does. Oh, no, he does specifically. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Arms Foot Arms Leg Yeah Oh he loves a thigh tattoo Do you love a thigh tattoo? No he does Oh no he does Specifically Oh he loves it Something on a hand as well

Well Just thigh Little side thing Maybe The name of her seven children Well maybe you'll meet someone With a thigh tattoo Face

Oh face Like permanent face paint Yeah Have you been In a Mexican prison? I think you'd fucking You'd meet a really nice guy there. Have I told you I get like turned on by Halloween? Oh, God.

Good Lord. What? Don't act surprised you know this. Who are we having to have a word with? Like fancy dress. Oh, fancy dress, yeah. You are not coming trick or treating with my three-year-old. Tell you what, Zanetta's looking fucking great.

Where did she get that witch's outfit? Look at her. Look at her. Like, fancy dress. Does something for me. And, like, seeing a girl dressed as, like, a zombie with blood coming out of her and all that, it just does something. So, like, permanent tattoo of that, I could live with that.

Well, a permanent tattoo of her being beaten up is basically what you're saying. This is awful, mate. Not beaten up. Made and done. Oh, yeah, that's fine fine isn't it jesus christ my old faithful on halloween i am a few years back went to my my auntie works in a hospice in in grimsley where i'm from and there's a poster on the wall and it was like um halloween party having a halloween party in a hospice was like they were having a halloween party in palliative

care and there's like and I was like it's just the patients seems a bit insensitive given the situation yeah but they said Halloween fancy dress prizes for best dressed

rules I was like what I love more than a Halloween party is a Halloween party in a hospice what I love more than a Halloween party

in a hospice Halloween party in a hospice with rules I was like and he was like no and he said ghosts zombies Halloween party in hospice. Halloween party in hospice with rules. I was like, and it's like, no. And he said,

ghosts, zombies, uh, no, it's ghosts, zombies, um, gravestones.

Oh God. And then the one underneath it, there was a few of those that I was like, okay. And then the, this is, this is not, I've tried doing this as material and it's not funny,

but it's just so much. The one, what the last one said, cats. to my answer like why he loves to dress up as a catcher you know what i thought it was weird and i said one of the girls that works here apparently it's because cats have nine lives and they don't want to rub it in i was like fuck off no one's looking at that and going oh we can't no because cats have nine lives don't they and like we've only got one i was like are you being serious so someone would put that on there

go away dogs that's fine I think it's just been pumpkins pumpkins and super heroes that hospice in Grimsby needs to

lean into fucking Christmas and Easter a bit more it was just outside of Grimsby as well I just changed it because I didn't want to know who they were

but oh my god my years are sore this has been such a good one. It's been so much fun. Thanks for coming in. Is that it? Yeah.

Am I done? That's the pod. Great. Can I have a wee? Oh, did we actually have a wee? I mean, sort of.

He's living his best life. Let him do it. You can't. He's got, he's covered in tattoos. He's done the damage. You know you can have it all have sex with whoever you want

dressed as whoever you are with whatever it is on your body and just fuck your boss off your mates are dicks okay oh mate I've had a fun one

it's been good have you got anything to plug what you got anything to plug during the global pandemic mate nah not really no have you not got a podcast or a YouTube channel or...

Yeah, I've got all that, but it's doing all right, mate. I'm joking, I'm joking, please. If you like football and shit impressions, aka Adam, then I've got a YouTube... We can't have the same face and the same content. I've got a YouTube channel Called Premier League Fan Reactions

On the Lloyd Griffith Comedian thing I guess Actually the views this year I've only done three The views have been Shit compared to What I usually get

Yeah there's a lot There's a lot of stuff Been knocked out That's why Everyone's at home Going fuck I've got to make This is going to dwarf our stuff What are you getting on average

At the minute 48,000 Oh no no no No no We don't need to know About 90,000 Yeah yeah cool Unlucky mate

Yeah Well enjoy our extra two Usually I'd get 150 to 300,000 views But it's not really been having Could you cut that out I'm on tour next year Hopefully

Maybe Lloydgriffith.com Everywhere apart from Liverpool Because they never sell there So there's no point Putting a fucking And if we go to

A UFC event next year Will you come up Will you come up with it I don's no point putting a fucking and if we go to a UFC event next year will you come up will you come up with it I don't like UFC alright boxing if we go if we get fucking

we'll do a have a word thing we'll film if we put one on the have a word presents that seems like a lot of hassle can we do the festival first before you try and knock me out give me one of the nights

I don't want to get punched by you we don't have to fight we'll just get other people to do it alright okay if there's like a thing at MEN or Liverpool

would you come up yeah definitely I love boxers I'll see you there right well that's been an absolute pleasure have we got anything

to plug follow keep your eye out on social media because we might be doing something we're going to do a protest

maybe have a weird pod at gmail.com and what was the thing they had to send us Papa wants some charcoal Papa wants some charcoal oh yeah can you follow me on Instagram and Twitter At loagriffith thank you

Please do that Been a pleasure thanks Lloyd Really appreciate you coming up Have a great weekend in Blackpool Who do I invoice? Hey! Invoice Carl He'll sort that out for you

Like the video please Subscribe Ring the bell And patreon.com Sl slash have a weird pod. You'll get early access to these public episodes and you get an extra episode every single week and some really interesting bonus content as well every now and then

where whenever we can be asked. Bye, Felicia. Bye, Felicia.