Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #9 of Have A Word (in Dan's Home Studio) w/Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale

Episode Date: March 6, 2020

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On social media at Have A Word Pod, with video on YouTube, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. It's Have A Word with Adam Rowe and Dan Nightingale. Who the fuck is that guy? Disgusting! Can you hear us? I can't hear us, no. Shit. Shit, lad. What's going down?

Got it now. Can you hear me, Adam? You all right? I can hear you now. Look at me's coming. Can you hear me, Adam? You're right. You know, look at lip read. It's like having another conversation with me. I told Granddad, never mind me podcast.

Can you hear me? Can you hear me? It's not working. Seconds into episode nine. I're back on Grandad Daniel. I got called Grandad on Twitter. Was that me? No. Some listener was like, hi, Grandad.

I was like, ah, fuck. Yeah. That's not even the worst of it, mate. So just before we crack on, i want to i want to play everyone this and i want you to i want adam to hear it i got the um the voiceover lady african lady to do some new ones and you'll have heard it already do we know her name african voiceover lady i don't know but she's got a zimbabwean flag as a part of a profile pic so pretty cool and yeah she

sent us over some new ones and it's got so I think we should really we got a tweet this week about the weirdest place someone had cracked one out which we didn't ask for but in response to me admitting I had a one con a National Express yeah

National Express it was pretty dirty and I had a wank on a National Express. Yeah. Express? National Express. It was pretty dirty. I was half-assed. Just so everyone knows, this is the first week we've got a guest and we're honoured to have Sean Connery in the building. In Dan's spare room in Chester. That's my dentures.

National Express. National Express. I called it Stagecoach as well. That's how fucking old I am. I forgot the name of the company that I wanked in the fucking bus. Oh, see, now I've got a bit more respect for you with it being National Express. I actually thought it was...

Because Stagecoach is just like a bus company. It's just like a get you from your house to the city centre four-mile bus journey. At least the Stagecoach, you were doing a long journey. Oh, do you know what? Thanks for building a bridge there, Adam. Do you know what I mean? Before you were a perv, but now... Well, you're still a bit journey. Do you know what? Thanks for building a bridge there, Adam. Do you know what I mean? Before you were perv, but now...

Well, you're still a bit of a wrongan, but at least you were like, I'm on here for hours, I'm going to need to deal with this, rather than, I can't wait three stops. As you're saying it, I completely agree. A long-distance wrongan is different from a local wrongan.

I reckon the judge would and will take that into consideration um how long was the journey well your honor it was are you wanking yeah yeah yeah but we've been here ages they're deliberate it was not it was newcastle to nottingham i mean that's enough oh yeah yeah yeah you know what enough. And if you haven't listened to episode eight, yeah, go back and give yourself some context. Yeah. Because this grandad is a dirty old fucker. And, yeah, so it was a National Express. You're going to be one of those dirty old men, aren't you,

on, like, Twitter, replying to, like, Babestation models. She's like, you look lovely there, Jill. Jill? Jill on Babestation. There's no one on Babestation called Jill. Maybe there's a niche. Babestation. Older.

Is that your way of saying niece? Is that your new accent? Niece. Maybe it's Jill's niche. What names can't you have on Babestation? Pat. What names can't you have on Babe Station? Pat.

Pat's getting no calls. Now we're on from one till four. Betty. Pat and Betty. Just in the corner. What do you want to talk about? With the first night babysitting, you've never lost money.

I'm on... I'm on till about 6.30. Is that phone plugged in? Is it plugged in? It's not fucking ringing. It's just people trying to talk to her, don't you? And Pat and Betty go, hello?

Hello? No, I can't hear you, love. I can't hear you. I. I can't hear you. I've pressed the wrong button. Betty's like, do you want me to take it off? No, I want you to put your house clothes on, love. Where's your dressing gown?

Come on, get your dressing gown on. What time strictly? If you are called Pat or Betty, we don't mean any offence, but you don't sound like attractive women. Whoa. Don't tell me. These women are from my Don't do this.

These women are from my age bracket, spiritually. Okay, so you're telling me... They sound old. It's not about being attractive. Your daddy's not 40. No. There's no one called Betty in the 30s. No. That's coming back round, though, now.

Kids are being called Betty. You're telling me, if you were single And someone set you up On a blind date And they were like Setting you up with Pat No I wouldn't I couldn't fuck a Pat

Exactly So don't look at me I could bang a Betty I can't smash a Pat Why? No I just Why are they different? Who's the woman

From EastEnders? Pat Pat Butcher Yeah That's it She'd break you She'd break your spirit She looks like Donald Trumpcher. Yeah, that's it. She'd break you. She'd break your spirit.

She looks like Donald Trump. Is that just me? That's just popped into my head. I haven't seen a picture of her for so long that it's almost like Donald Trump just tried to nudge itself into my memory. Like, oh, fucking hell. I'm fucking president of the free world, leader of the free world, you cunt.

It's weird that we've gone for Pat and Betty because they're both British soap star names, aren't they? Because there was Betty in Coronation Street. Betty's hot pot. Betty's hot pot. Say it, Betty. Yeah. I'd do anything for one of them, actually. Would you?

Yeah. Would you do Betty? Yeah. Anyway, someone said... I'd like a pomo. I would. I'd like Betty's pomo. What's wrong with that? What do you mean, oh? Betty's hot pot. Yeah, that lick Betty's bumhole what's wrong with that

what's being hot Betty's hot butt yeah that is Betty's hot butt hot rot what's wrong with licking a bit of bumhole do you never do that

I'm an old lady what's your age limit for the old rim as long as she's clean and tidy and it would depend on

what her living room looks like I'd judge her off that if I turned It would depend on what her living room looks like. I'd judge it off that. If I turned up at her house and her living room was messy, she doesn't shave her arse, does she? But if it's tidy, she's got a nice tea cosy underneath the teapot, then I'd be like, do you know what? She probably looks after her by more.

It's like this is procedures and policy that you've had in place for a long time. Dan, I mean, I'm not just ad-libbing this. I've alone for a longmer. It's like this is like procedures and policy that you've had in place for a long time. Dan, I mean, I'm not just ad-libbing this. I've been alone for a long time. If you go to a grandma's house and the doilies are all over the shop, the fucking bum hair's gonna be terrible, isn't it? If you can't straighten a doily, you can't trim your arsehole hair. Do you not think that that stands to reason

though? Yes. So if you're an old woman and you're looking for a bit of young meat, if I'm ever back on the market and you want me to pop around and you want me to uh do whatever you like you know you want a bit of the old rowey love i just make sure to make sure your living room's all right right good living room and your bathroom your bedroom can be messy what's your top age limit i know you? I know you're a committed man and you're in love and whatnot. Just out of interest, what is your top age limit, Adam? You're 28, aren't you?

I'm 28. 28 years old. Yeah. I think you should... I think the formula is you double your own age and add 40. So, 96. Oh, that's going to be a tricky walk of shame for them, isn't it? Do you need help down the stairs?

Yeah, I do. We should have come to yours, really, shouldn't we, Betty? It's bad news for you, some fucking 118-year-old. Oh, fuck you now. Oh, what a start. I'd be booking National express tickets all over the shop the furthest the better so someone where did that come from someone messaged us and went oh yeah brilliant here's my weird place i had a wank story which we didn't ask for no but someone went

oh i'm gonna there's got to be loads of them no so we should encourage this yeah can we start a feature sure because i've asked the af the African lady from Zimbabwe to do the voiceover for it already. I was like, I'm convinced Adam's going to be on board with this. Okay, so this is African lady from Zimbabwe. That's her full name. Back by popular demand, it's the weirdest places you've crapped one out.

She's a fucking angel. I want to know her name she should get fully credited on the part um right we're gonna mate i cannot believe i snuck that one in there because i was like adam's not agreed that it's gonna be a feature yeah you know and this is ours adam this baby is ours both of us you know mine it's not yours it's not even just ours it's for all our listeners as well yeah so if you're not happy with this new feature but we own it someone tweeted us i'll find it next time but basically that they crack one out in the iraqi desert using on a massive jcb in the iraqi desert doing contract work using his own sweat as lube i mean oh that's not cool i mean in a muslim country a war ravaged muslim country like is this an iraqi person or is this a british person who was outsourced to the iraqi desert

a couple of things to uh talk about here one it's i very unlikely i think this is getting any downloads in iraq i would literally love to youtube record an iraqi dude listening to this who the fuck is betty what is pot why do they talk like this? What's that accent? Iraqi I think it's quite good Do you?

Yeah What are you basing it on? Have you ever met anyone from Iraq? No It's Maraki That was French No, it's Iraq No

Fuck you You don't know anyone from Iraq I do Do you? Yeah Who? Iraqi Jack Phil you you don't know anyone from iraq i do do you yeah oh iraqi jack phil phil from iraq and now he lives in dovecot i don't think we're getting many downloads from iraq so i would guess that post-war that we're doing some building work and they were contracted out there

he's the most it's brit he's british i'll put every fucking penny i've not got on him being british dirty bastard i don't know on a jcb look you're in a desert to call anyone a dirty bastard you definitely had more options on this stage coach from newcastle to nottingham than he did in the Iraqi desert. Mate, he's getting his knob out in the Iraqi sun. That's brutal. He's on shift. At least he's getting paid for it. Has he lotioned it? He got paid to have a wank in Iraq. There's not another person on the fucking planet that can claim that. This guy's

a hero. That would be on my CV. That's a weird bucket list, isn't it? Once you've smashed back. Got tickets to Iraq. Gonna crack one out in the desert. Yeah, but someone'd have to be paying for it. They'd have to be sponsored flights.

He was flown out to Iraq. Not to do that, though. You're making it out like... No, but he was on shift. He was getting paid while that happened. Yeah, that's pretty impressive. It's phenomenal where... What was his name?

We'll find out we'll give him a proper heads up we'll give him a shout out next time yeah it's a whole new level if you're actually getting paid while you're doing it touche sir touche you paid for the privilege you paid to have a wank also there's no sex offenders register in iraq do you know that for a fact well they probably just shoot you there's so sex offenders register in Iraq. Do you know that for a fact? Well, they'd probably just shoot you. There's so many countries that are going to hate this podcast. We're already on the ways of getting KGB'd from the Russian episode. I don't think there is a sex offenders register in Iraq, is there?

They're dealing with their own shit. Well, if you are listening in Iraq and you can clarify this for us, please send us an email to haveawirdpod at gmail.com. I don't think I'd feel confident masturbating outside, if I'm honest. Outside? In the sun. I'd be very worried about getting a burnt willy.

Would you? Do you know what I mean? Have you ever had a sunbed? Have I ever been on a sunbed? Yeah. No, never bothered. So I've got a bit of... My mum used to have her son shower in the house.

Like a stand-up one. Yeah used to like permanently rent one she didn't own it but she paid like from bright house sorry can you continue the most working class story i've ever heard in my life in her bedroom she had a stand-up sunbed, essentially. I think it's called a sun shower. What? You didn't lie in it, you'd stand in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was in her bedroom, and she sort of permanently rented it.

Did you never, as a child, ever go on that? No. If I was a kid, I'd be on there like, what have you been? Lobster round. No way! Have you been in my room no

I think I locked my little brother in there at one point I didn't turn it on oh my god I just left him in in this thing crying

have you got siblings I've got a sister younger or older younger mentally psychologically older yeah

she's like my big sister that's four years younger than me right yeah so the gap between me and my little brother is four years. I never used to fucking whine no more. Oh, totally. I once babysat our Jack, right? I was like, I was too young to be babysitting.

I was like 13 or 12 or something, so he was like eight or nine. Me mum and dad had just gone out for a drink, and I had a maker come and stay over, and it was just, you look after them. Be back in a few hours and I made him watch Scream against his will

you know the movie Scream how? how did you keep him in the room? because he like there was a scary movie and he didn't want to be

on his own oh right I thought literally I thought you gaffer taped into like a a dining chair or something there was no bondage involved

well you just fucking locked him in a sun shower yeah in my head you're like, Adam doesn't fuck around when he's doing horseplay. No, it was just pranks, wasn't it? All right, yeah. So me and my cousin made him watch Scream.

And we liked it. I used to like scary films. I hate them now. They terrify me. How old was he? He was like eight or nine. And then we waited for him to fall asleep and then put two Scream masks on and woke him up.

Fuck. I didn't get the babies. When a child wheeze and poos at the same time, that is on the babysitter. So yeah. Yeah, locked him in a sun shower at one point. You never went on it

because I go on for my, I've got a bit of bad skin and sometimes it helps to get, but there's... It helps. Because it was bad for your skin vitamin d don't get me wrong i'm not like i'm clearly not give your mama my vitamin d vitamin fucking i'll give your grandma my vitamin d that's right margaret um yeah so i got i have to go on but i have to put i have to wear pops you know little sports socks. And then when you're in there, you get naked before you go in the sun shower.

I do stud up ones. And it's one of the saddest. I do one of these every like three months just to help my psoriasis, right? It's sexy. And I take the sports sock off one of my feet, get completely naked, and then put the sports sock on my dick on my dick and balls what so it doesn't get burnt because i'm a bit worried that my dick's never seen the out the light that doesn't make it more susceptible to it what like you're not good you're

not gonna burn your dick and nowhere else i'm just worried that my little willy's gonna get sunburned it's it's not do you not think you're not gonna get you going to get sunburned It's not Do you not think? You can't get sunburned from a sunbed Do you not think it'd be like an albino in Ibiza or something? No! That's how I feel about it It's not fair, you've never seen the light

Also, does this not mean that you've got one foot completely tanned And one's just stuck on No, I don't keep the other sports sock on. You just stood... Has anyone ever opened it too early and you're stood there with one sock on and the other one on your dick? No, because that's a faux pas in the sun shower game.

Hey, sorry, lads. I thought the fucking buzzer had gone off. Oh, like, do you not... Do you have any... Do you have sweaty feet at all? Not really. No. But I'm fucking married.

No one's touching my dick anyway. See, I couldn't do that. I've had athlete's foot in the past. I've had athlete's dick. I can't be getting athlete's dick. Hey, I remember the Olympics when Linford Christie was in. I'd fucking love athlete's dick. I don't think getting athlete's dick. I don't think

getting athlete's dick is going to give you an extra three inches. You're just going to have fungus. Woo! Yeah, I can't do that. I, um,

I, I, I, I, I get sweaty feet. I'm still laughing at athlete's dick Adam Well done sir Oh you got me I think there's a real name for it you know

you can you can fungus on your dick no no I swear to god you can pass athlete's foot

to your genital area it might be called jock scratch it's something it's called what jock scratch I don't know what it is

but yeah I couldn't so I couldn't know what it is but yeah I couldn't so I couldn't do what you're doing alright I just need a minute I need a minute oh god

you've never got me like that you okay now? oh yeah like you won't know this Oh, God, you've never got me like that. You okay now? Oh, yeah. Like, you won't know this, listen to the podcast, but we literally had to take a break there so that Dan could calm down. I feel really... I'm warm.

I feel like I've been on a sunbed with my little pop sock on my knob. I sometimes, when I go in there, I do it. I'm not a regular like I bought you know you buy like a a few of them and you get a discount

what do they call it not a program like a a course a course you buy a course a course of sunbeds yeah so you'll get like 60 minutes

I literally went in there and she was like I was like oh god I've got my name she was like god she hasn't been for ages she was like, I was like, oh God, I've got my name. She was like, God, you haven't been for ages. She's like brown

and like, she's probably 23 and looks like my fucking nana's elbow. there's one woman who runs all the sunbed shops in the world. She's blonde.

She's brown like a handbag. She's wrinkled as fuck and she's definitely Scouse. Even in like, Bognor Regis, there's a blonde Scouse woman who works. They all look exactly the same.

And they're beautiful. They're beautiful. Beautiful women. Yeah. Yeah, tragic. When popping it on there, I don't like, oh God,

could you imagine if someone came in early like you said that like it was a like for comedy's sake but that is one of my fears what someone's gonna come in and see you with your cock sock what if you had a heart attack in there there's places you don't want to die that's it in it anywhere with a cock in a sun shower with a pop sock on your knob yeah i mean i think the location is less important than the cock on your sock in that situation the location is important if i died in a post office with a cock on my sock and nothing else that would be worse than in the sun show so when you're like oh the location's nothing it is something if i die in the queue of a fucking yeah but if you died in your bed if you died in your sleep

and someone found you with a cock on your sock, it's still no... A cock on your sock? A sock on your cock. I dream of dying in my bed because Laura would be like, oh, tragic, and then she'd, like, tidy up the scene.

She's a trooper like that. If Laura found you, what if Laura was away or something and then the police or next door find you? Oh, the police. Oh, next door's the problem. They come in, you've got a sock on your cock you got a

photo of tino a spleen on your wall for no reason there's questions that need to be answered do you ever think about that when you're dead i feel like i'd love to get a tattoo this is my i've never got a tattoo but i'd love to get a tattoo just near my cock with an arrow pointing to it going, don't judge, it's cold out. Just so that when I'm in the morgue, on the slab, and my dick, on a cold day, my dick looks like

a little fucking walnut whip. It's terrible. That's true. How bad is that going to be when you're dead? It's not getting bigger. You're not getting athlete's cock when you die.. It's not getting bigger. You're not getting athletes cock when you die. Rigamortis.

I just, I'm really worried about being judged by like attractive morgue staff like, ooh, what's happened here?

Why are you bothered though? Because you're dead? Yeah, that's true. But like, where is the shame coming from? Hey,

we had this fucking little pasty white guy in the other day who should have seen the size of his dick. That would be the last laugh you ever get, though. That's not sure.

As a comedian. Contribution to the world. Your tiny penis. I've got some good laughs in my time. You've just got one of the best ones in the history of my life.

I don't want to be my last laugh that I ever get as a comedian to be some girl in the mobile. What the fuck is that? There's no way.

Why is it white and everywhere else is brown? There's no way. Because you've got, I've met Laura a few times and she's lovely and she loves you and she's happy. And there's no way she'd be happy if you had like the smallest dick in the world.

So don't worry about it because they've seen smaller, defo. I haven't seen your dick yet. I'm sure we'll get there. Episode 16 or something yeah but did you say you've never had a tattoo

is there a reason did you just not fancy them well because of my bad skin you can't fuck with that can you like I really wanted to when I was because I was the daft twat

that wanted to when I was 18, 19 thank god because I I remember the designs I was like I'm gonna have this it would have been horrific

but because I was even at that age I was bright enough to know mate if my skin gets annoyed for no reason i have to have sunbeds every two months can't then have like a tattoo so i've never done it no judgment if you have yeah i've just never done it for like medical reasons so i i wanted one when i was younger and embarrassingly i wanted a liver beard on my arm like as a as a kid i'm talking like 14 15 you surprise me i would never do that now it's such like a wool move that's another scouse thing to have a live beard on your arm um it just is it's a bit fucking schemers day online um but i think about 20 of our listenership just went

i told my mum I wanted to do it and these were her exact words I'll never forget these rest in peace Anne Rowe she said

don't ever get a tattoo you can't do that to yourself because you're putting yourself in a really difficult situation and I said what do you mean

and she said if you ever murder anyone you'll be much easier to identify not like if you're ever in any you'll be much easier to identify. Not like if you're ever in any sort of trouble with the police, she jumped straight to murder. If you ever murder anyone and someone's like, I seen him,

he had a fucking liver beard on his face. Don't be the guy with a liver beard on his face because it's easier to identify you. We had different upbringings. Yeah, mum wouldn't let me get a tattoo in case I ever killed anyone. Obviously, in the back of her head, she's raising me going, not out the question he's going to murder someone one day.

Two rules in this house, Adam. Look at me. One, do not get a fucking tattoo. First thing you don't do, mate, because if you murk some fucker. And two, get your brother out of my sun shower! Little bastard!

Oh, my days, Adam. Yeah. So, er... I need some sun, actually. It's making me feel like I need some sun. For my dick, maybe. You going on any holidays this year thanks hairdresser Adam

are you going away where are you going going to Mallorca but are we because of the fucking coronavirus oh shit yeah because everyone's

I've got flights to Japan booked already end of April to go and see Carl my mate who we've spoken about before lives out there if he listens to the podcast

I'd be like alright Carl but he's actually told she's not got round to it he's got a backlog I fucking love that man he's alleged

being my best mate in school he's gone out to Japan working TEFL teaching English as a foreign language yeah my mate did it

he's living in Nagoya my mate did it for six years in Shanghai and earned so much money he's in his second year of not working he's just come home and he's balling

that's boss does he want a job as a podcast producer? I don't think he does we could borrow him a few hours a week and just play him a few clips doesn't need the money we talk about banging old people in Linford Christie's dick

what's that? you're going back to Shanghai? but yeah I'm meant to go out there, but Japan have like cancelled their football season and everything. Like for the next two months, there's no footy in Japan. The Olympics is meant to be in Japan this year.

It's in jeopardy because of this coronavirus. Do you know the sales of Corona have gone down? They've lost 130 million pounds so far. Isn't it? That's like, I don't eat polos. I'm not getting polio.

I'm not getting polio I'm not I'm not getting that's just Americans though the fucking the just being fucking idiots hang on

I'm a little worried about this we've got at least one listener in Missouri he's a scouter yeah but let's not offend because he's going to tell his friends about this

he's going to spread the have a word not all Americans are stupid it's just yeah you know it's an easy it's an easy

stereotype because there's so many of you who really do support i think that's very so much um i'm not having corona that's disgusting there's a virus going around why would i drink the thing in the name of the virus can i tell you uh we got a little uh talking about mates we got a little uh email from my best friend best man at my wedding matthew reese he said mate can i just quickly put forward a nomination for have a word my beautiful wife normally rational wife who won't let me get a chinese takeaway because of coronavirus right she said, she's a fucking idiot. What if someone who works there has been to China? I said I was going to nominate her for Have a Word because she was being a fucking nana,

and she says she doesn't understand why I don't think it makes sense. You can't live your life like that. I had a Chinese last night. I want to give them a shower. Did you kiss the delivery driver, though? I went and picked it up, mate. And there's no Chinese i want to give them a shower house actually there's a did you kiss the delivery driver though i went and picked it up mate and there's no chinese people at work there they're all white scouse straight men but they do the voice hello they're not they're not from newcastle then why are you doing your geordie accent

did you imagine if that's what they did all right lads listen we need authenticity here kid it's called wu-tan scram oh mate where's the applause right that's nearly as good as that's actually better than abracababra and it's an entirely vegan chippy i know that sounds a bit shit. I want to rescind my applause. I'm a proper meat lover, and I would honestly pick this chippy over any other chippy in Liverpool.

The lads who run it are so fucking sound. And it was me and Mrs. Birthday yesterday. She had all her family come to our house. It was like 15 of us. Happy birthday, Jade. It was a week ago now. By the time this goes out, fuck Jade's birthday. It's closer to mine.

But I turned up at this massive order um and he listens to the podcast that the lad who runs the chippy he's been seeing me like hot water before uh gives a little bit of discount on the order and i and i just said uh i'll do whatever i can to promote the place because the food is unreal like since j Jade went vegan, I've tried so many, like, meat replacement stuff and always been like, that's just... It's just so different. It's not even close to it. The salt and pepper chicken fried rice from this place is the nicest I've ever had

and the chicken just tastes like... I'm suspicious that they're just lying to everyone. Getting on the vegan hype train and going, this vegan stuff's going well innit just say it's fucking vegan it tastes it's chicken it's chicken

it's got the texture of chicken this tofu chicken looks like chicken the chicken here shut up Jeff Wu-Tang Scram Wu-Tang

Wu-Tang Scram W-O-O T-A-N S-C-R-A-N and it's at Wu-Tang Scram on Instagram that's so cool

It's on Lark Lane in Liverpool If you're listening Do us a favour Go and check it out Lark Lane in the Bohemian Quarter Is it? Next to the park? Yeah

It's fucking really nice around there isn't it? Yeah It's a nice little area It's like the posh toffee Back in the day Yeah yeah yeah I've done a gig on Lark Lane They were like oh it's the Bohemian Quarter

And I mispronounced it about four times on stage. I kept calling it the Bavarian Quarter. It's nice to be in the Bolivian Quarter. Fucking moron. Although, to be fair, some bits of Liverpool could probably be the Bolivian Quarter. Yeah, they love the Sousou Comedy. But yeah, if you are listening to this and you're in Liverpool,

and especially if you're on like a plant-based diet if you're trying to be vegan or veggie or whatever or trying to do it a few days a week and even if you're not like i'm not i don't give a fuck i'll i eat every now and then meat free just to help me miss this out but go and check this place out it's some of the best like chinese takeaway food i've ever had coronavirus honestly is it on your radar or is it just me being a bit of a fanny because i don't get wound up by stuff we just bought a house i'm a dad i'm that's fairly new and it's not really health that's worrying me because the only old relative i've got is 94 95 and he's leaving us money in his will and he his view pop. He's still alive.

He's pointing towards Preston. Not heaven. He's in the north. But I'm just a bit like, I'm looking at the gigs in the diary and if the next step of this, everyone being a fanny, is like, oh my God, we've got it.

Because is it any worse than the flu? I don't know. Is it horrific? The actual statistics don't look that bad. But if it gets a little bit hysterical, the first thing to go is public meetings, isn't it? And going, you can't all congregate. Well, comedians are boned.

I have looked into this a bit. So the problem with it is, first of all, we will be fucked. Like, we will need to dip into our savings because comedy clubs will shut. The first thing to go will be, like we will need to dip into our savings because comedy clubs will shut the first thing to go will be um like live entertainment yeah the edinburgh fringe will be cancelled the olympics will be cancelled big sport events will be cancelled comedy definitely they'll at least go behind closed doors but you can't do comedy behind closed doors because that's just a mental lunatic in a room shouting at bar staff yeah are you booked me i want a cancellation fee no bar staff

just just comedians i would just like to say, if anyone has bought tickets to my tour, if the venues do get shut as a result of the coronavirus, of course, go fuck yourselves. I'm keeping your money. No refunds. No, you just do it. I will do it.

I'm going. Glass Perspex. So a lot of live entertainment will go. So we will be fucked Luckily we've now got a successful podcast So as long as I don't get it and you don't get it I'll still come here every week and our listeners will still get there I am not joking

If we go on coronavirus shutdown And the whole thing gets quarantined We'll get a Even if you can't come to me We'll get Skype We'll get you set up, we'll get us set up And we'll do a fucking podcast every day every day i'm not even joking you'll go mental not being able to do what you do yeah

this is the one thing thinking about it that you never need to leave the house for yeah i tell you what i've got a bit of money savings we will 100 guarantee that if if the country gets quarantined and people aren't allowed to go out to live entertainment and wear a goose... This podcast is going to be a mess. This is going to be daily. We will do a daily Have A Word podcast. We're going to need a lot of submissions from you lot, so make sure you're getting them in.

But yeah, we'll do a daily Have A Word. Fuck it, we're in on that now. Do not edit that out. We're committed to this shit. Absolutely. 100%. If it gets anywhere near quarantine, we'll go daily.

Yeah. Absolutely. Oh. But, so, you mentioned the statistics there so i have looked into this a bit so the death rate especially for like young people like in our age bracket it's 0.2 percent so it it's low low low it's lower than the flu by a mile is it lower than athletes dick a little bit okay good but the problem is for over 80s, it's about 15%. So that's why the numbers that's been quoted a lot is 2%,

and it's because the older ages is dragging that percentage up from our age groups, right? Yeah. The death rate, although a lot of old people would die from this, like more than die from the flu. They absolutely would. But, and I'm sorry to be so flippant with this and let's not worry

about all people dying but forget that for a second the death rate's not really the problem the problem is even if me or you gets the coronavirus probably not gonna die but we probably will need to be in the hospital for a week right so there's going to be a lot of people in the hospital and the the the facilities the nhs especially with the fucking tory cuts and shit we haven't got the infrastructure to deal with as many cases as there's going to be so the death rate will go up a little bit because we're not going to be able to cope with it that's the problem it's not the actual death rates itself it's the the fact that we haven't got the resources to deal with literally half of the country getting sick at once.

That's the problem. So when it's bad, it's bad enough that a fully grown adult could be hospitalised. Yes. So it's worse than any flu by a mile, isn't it? 20% of people who get it, of any age group, get hospitalised. 20%. What about youngins?

Not to really young people. No one's died yet. Children have not died from it. Right. There's a 0% fatality rate in children so far. Right. And it's because when you're developing as a child, your immune system is more reactive and it's like,

right, we'll take a bit of that. We know how to deal with it. So you're better as a kid. So S is going to be sound, but you might be going the fucking Royal for a bit lad yeah like one in five adults who get it will go to the hospital and you'll be fine you'll it's respiratory problems it's breathing problems that's where a lot of it is an issue so you'll need a bit of help breathing and stuff not like

unconscious on an oxygen mask but you'll need a little bit of oxygen every now and then probably and then what's the likelihood dr roe what's the likelihood of this uh epidemic like spreading it's going to spread like more and more people are going to get it so a problem at the minute is like people saying oh there's only 23 cases in the uk that's not true the the truth is there's 23 confirmed cases in the uk so the truth is there's at least 23 cases in the uk and there might be thousands of people who just haven't been checked because first truth is there's at least 23 cases in the uk and there might be thousands of people who just haven't been checked because first of all there's a lot of people who show don't show symptoms for about nine days there's some people who don't show symptoms at all

and because of it's a low fatality rate if you're really really fit and healthy you can self-quarantine and it'll just be fine it'll just be like having a cold so but those people are still going to spread it just because you're fit and healthy and your body can go, we can deal with this. Yeah. If you meet someone sick and you pass it on to them,

then, then they're going to be fucked. Do you know, if it starts, if the hysteria grows and I'm just speaking, I'm not, we're not trying to make light of this

because obviously we have, and we're making jokes now, but we know, I know it can be, this could be quite serious. Yeah. Not even for people's health, for people's income,

because it, if it starts tightening up, Yeah. and companies are losing money, I'm just fucking delighted I did that nationwide advert last year and it's given me a cushion. Yeah. If I was living just off Comedy Club money,

I'd be fucked. Like, the only reason I've got any savings is because I got a bit of money for doing a TV advert. Yeah. Yeah, so I just, that's the problem the the two problems are the nhs not being able to cope with it and the hysteria that newspapers and stuff it newspaper twitter news the news cycle clickbait and selling newspapers is all if they were just going

this isn't that bad we should be all right then you're not even clicking that article no buying that newspaper panic by email and the other one that we shall not name i will never say their name on our thing um like their whole mo is panic now this is going to be awful everyone's going to get really sick and die we should be able to be all right it might it might get bad it shouldn't get as bad as the worst projections based on what i've looked into anyway but the problem is going to be for people like me and you and comedians in general and musicians and everyone who's self employed and relies on people going out to stuff to make their living yeah is not necessarily that everyone's getting sick it's that everyone's worried they're going to get sick yeah so people

going i'm not going to a comedy club and being with 200 strangers in a room that's where me and you might be there's going to be a very specific recession isn't there like some industries

will be okay but other sectors are going to tighten up the weird thing is you'll find out which comedians are fucking mavericks and are really skint

because a lot of comics someone told me that one of the acts that we know quite well who's like a circuit headliner has already said to comedy clubs, after March, if this gets any worse, you can expect me to pull all my dates. Yeah.

Which makes sense. There will be loads of comics going, right, it is bad, and I don't want to die of coronavirus, but I've never headlined in Leeds. Take it when you can fucking get it. Smaller audiences of like 40 fucking perfectly well psychos going i don't give a shit let's have some comedy it's the coronavirus comedian yeah um yeah i i i i'm optimistic with stuff like this and you know there's been so many doomsday flus in the past like 15 years like swine flu and bird flu and ebola it was all

that like this the news was the same before then wasn't it it was this is going to be really bad millions of people going to die and then it just disappears didn't have twitter though twitter's make twitter facebook people twitter makes everything worse yeah apart from my ticket sales which is why i keep the accounts any and aside not thanks for coming to the live show um well yeah let's Let's make this promise And I If it gets silly And everyone starts self quarantining

And there's no gigs Have a word daily And people can't leave the house And it gets to that point We are going to start smashing these out Have a word everyday Fucking hell mate Yeah

That'd be sick that as well Have a word Pandemic special Do you know what's know I enjoy doing this podcast so much that part of me now is like I hope I hope this happens

and I know for a fact because we've got some loyal listeners now people love this fucking thing that we're making there's now people who are going to be like

right I want to meet someone who's been to Wuhan and I'm going to go and cough in everyone's fucking face I want Adam and Dan every fucking day I'm up for it I'd like a's fucking face. I want Adam and Dan every fucking day.

I'm up for it. I'd like a break from stand-up as well. It'd be nice. I don't want to die. I don't want my grandad to die. But at the same time, it'd be nice to have two months off, wouldn't it, just doing podcasts? Our listeners are up. I mean, listen, look at the stats on the listeners. They're fucking huge and they'd be bigger if, like, four

million people hadn't died Oh that's another thing, if you are old and you listen to this and you do get the coronavirus please subscribe before you die and tell your relatives to not turn that off because that'll really help our download numbers I think you're more at risk of getting fucked to death

by Adam to be honest Come on Come on Betty I think you're more at risk of getting fucked to death by Adam, to be honest. Come on. Come on, Betty. Disgusting. Disgusting! Now then, everyone. Hope you're enjoying this episode.

Want to give a quick shout-out to my mate, Felix Light, who's got a podcast. He's going to give us a shout- to my mate Felix Light who's got a podcast. He's going to give us a shout out on his podcast. He's a mate of mine. We've become mates partly because the life of a working DJ is so similar to the life of a circuit comedian.

Basically just travelling salesman trying not to get a fucking proper job. So if you've ever wondered what DJs do when they're not playing or making your favourite tracks if you want to know how they ended up playing at your favorite clubs and festivals check out

the felix lighter in the house podcast on itunes spotify or mixcloud felix chats to people like james hype cafe mambo resident ryan mcdermott cream legend fat phil cooper hannah lang alex legend Fat Phil Cooper, Hannah Lang, Alex Ross, Tim from the Utah Saints, and many more about all things dance music. Give it a listen. Give it some love. Alright, back to the episode. Thanks a lot. We've had some good news this week

for the Have A Word pod. First of all, thank you very much to everyone who's listening to these weekly because you guys are fucking legends and even if you've tweeted already and said loving the pod if you could just keep doing that every week because every time we do that we retweet it we get a couple more listeners maybe one of your mates will go oh he keeps talking about that i need to listen to it we can't tell you how much that helps we just wanted to snowball and people keep listening to it social media and word of mouth and we were talking about that I need to listen to it we can't tell you how much that helps we just want it to snowball and people keep listening to it social media

and word of mouth and we were talking about what we expected from this we're like at three times the downloads that we expected yeah I wanted

between five hundred and a thousand paired episodes by the end of March we're at the start of March and we're doing about three thousand an episode just shy of three

an episode which is by the time this goes out yeah it's it's phenomenal and the more people listen the more chance we get to develop it and then maybe do more the more people listening the more chance we've got to get an occasional sponsor here and there and then we can start upping the content yeah and try and do two episodes a week because that's what people are asking us for we're getting loads of messages saying you're not making enough we need we and do two episodes a week. Because that's what people are asking us for. We're getting loads of messages saying, you're not making enough.

We need an extra episode a week or more, more, more. The only way we're going to be able to do that is when this podcast starts making a bit of money, basically. Because at the minute, Dan's invested thousands in the equipment. I'm spending money every week coming over from Liverpool to record it. And once we can monetize it a little bit through sponsorship or whatever we decide to do that way, um,

then we can start making more and more content for you. And we, we absolutely will do that. The way to get that happening, tell your mates, keep tweeting about it, keep tagging us, keep sending stuff in.

and if you haven't already subscribe, because if you subscribe, it downloads to your phone automatically. The files are so small. It won't really affect your memory and leave us a 5 star review on iTunes And we really appreciate that Appreciate you Also we had some boss news this week

And we want the Have A Word Army To help us out with this So both me and Dan Nightingale Have both been nominated in the Prestigious Chortle Awards So that's for, this is for Adam This is for Adam because he got prestigious Chortle Awards. This is for Adam.

This is for Adam because he got Best Circuit Act so we'll do that again. That's fucking impressive, man. That's big stuff. Thank you, man. So, I've been nominated

for Best Club Comic in the Chortle Awards and Mr. Dan Nightingale, you've been nominated for Best Compaire. Disgusting! Oh, fuck off. You don't want it, do you?

So, please, do not vote for me. Vote for Adam. Because he is one of the best. He's one of the absolute best acts on the circuit. Vote for him. He's our Adam Rowe. Let's make him the Chortle Best Circuit Act 2020

for the love of Christ don't vote for me for Best Compare because I don't really compare anymore and if I win this fucking award it's going to mean

two years of dickhead promoters going damn we just want you to compare and you don't want to do that do you I just want to do sets man

I compare like two or three gigs that are like my gigs midweek my favourites my locals don't want to do that do you I just want to do sets man I compere like two or three gigs that are like my gigs midweek my favourites my locals weekends you want to be doing sets banging your set out

I just want one day I just want to be like you Adam you know so if you want to help us out be your best dad as a have a word patron we'll put the link

on the twitter which is at have a word pod if you can't be bothered going to twitter just go to chortle.co.uk that is

c-h-o-r-t-l-e .co.uk and find the page for the the Chortle Awards now there's a bit of a sort of survey takes about two to three minutes

to fill the whole thing out you want to vote for Adam Rowe in Best Club Compere who are we saying for Best Compere Mick Ferry he's been nominated

he's amazing phenomenal Danny Mac's not been nominated. Yeah. And he is one of the absolute best comp here. Bit of a travesty

that to be honest. I think Danny should definitely be nominated for that. And Paul Smith as well. What he's done with comp here and gone from a comp here to

an arena act as a comp here. I think he should have been nominated as well. But we don't pick the nominations. So out of the

nominations that are there we'd say go and vote for Mick Ferry. Do not vote for Dan Nightingale. We don't want dan to win this award for kiri vote for mick kiri's amazing anyone but me man and don't think oh this will be funny we'll vote for dan actually no do you know what yeah do that oh no oh fucking hell but if you could vote for me it'd mean a lot if I could win this. I don't normally get nominees for shit like this.

Seriously, man, that's amazing going. Thanks, man. And I supported Adam on tour on Sunday in Chester, and it's deserved. I know that was not circuit, but what you're doing is fucking impressive, man. Well, thanks, man. And anyone who's at Chester, thanks for coming.

I know there's a few listeners of the pod who came down and were dead, dead happy that dan popped on under the guest set for us and i suppose we can reveal now on this i've got a couple more tour dates coming up in march and april if you're coming to either manchester or blackpool dan's going to be there as well manchester's already sold out so you can't come to that i'm afraid blackpool still got some tickets left if you live near either of them and you want to see Dan do a set as well as see my full tour show, come to one of those. But if you could go to our Twitter or straight to the Chortle website, vote for me for Best Club Comic.

It would mean a lot. Vote for Mick Ferry and not Dan Nightingale for Best Compere. But you do have to fill out a bit of a survey, which takes a couple of minutes, until you get to the last page because you have to click Next a couple of times. Until you get to the last page and click submit you haven't voted but we've got about 3,000 listeners on this

if we get 3,000 votes that will probably be enough for this so go and do it we would really appreciate that while we're talking about stand up

can I ask a question that we got in which we haven't had any questions apart from the stuff we've asked for like we've already had some hangovers

from health sent in from last week we've got would you rather's coming in um some of them are foul you animals and can we just and the other words are obviously yeah massive can we just have one quick word with our listeners um about 37 people have asked us if we were two inches inside our mum and our dad was two inches inside of us, would we rather go forward or back? You're disgusting! Disgusting! We're not answering that one.

Be original. Get us an original Would You Rather in. If we get, like, four or five submissions of the same Would You Rather, we know it's not yours. We're not doing it. We're not doing that one. And also, I can see what's happening there because we've talked about everything.

And we literally, it's no holds barred. That's our sense of humour. But if you start at disgusting, there's literally nowhere to go. You're like, I can see why people are listening to this going, these fuckers will talk about anything. Let's go full throttle.

And you're like, it's funnier when you start talking about like athletes for, and then start talking about athletes. It's, you can't just be like, what about shaking your dad? I'll make a promise right now I'll make a promise right

the one we've been sent several times just to be clear is right you're in a horrible situation we're not going to do it I know but it's fucking horrible it is horrible your penis is two inches inside your mum in your buttocks is your dad's penis two inches inside you would you your bottom bottom buttocks your is your dad's penis two

inches inside you would you rather push forward so your dad falls out or would you rather reverse so that you come out your mum we're not going to do it but when we do our first ever live show that is when we'll answer that one so next year when we do our live shows we will answer that one for you but please stop sending us if now my answer is i'd get a flight to wuhan and we got a question from dan johnson thank you dan this is he was like i've just he was like i love the podcast and look forward to every episode on brand appreciate you cheers man i don't necessarily have i have a word but was having a chat at work about comedians and the question came up about whether or not comedians can ever turn it off what i mean by this is if you get a heckler in a club you're being paid to put them in their place if you

meet someone in the street who tries to be funny and actually is just being a bit of a twat do you feel the need to school them or do you just walk away and ignore it or has anything similar ever happened so basically off stage someone's acting up giving you shit do you feel like you need to be slamming them like you're like it's saturday night at a club uh it depends on what moves i'm in really i think we we're very similar sort of people in this regard in that we you know we get hecklers because we compare as well. And, um, we,

we often close gigs and you get more hecklers when you're headlining. And I don't, you can journal later on. Um, and we're sort of quite personable people in general, and we're not a million miles away from our actual selves on stage, but there's a lot of comics who are quite shy and nervous off stage. And as soon as you take a microphone out of their hand,

they've got absolutely no authority over fucking anyone. Yeah, I'm not really slamming hecklers in the streets or anything, but... Do you know, I think what... Sometimes, like, the idea is, like, when people see you on stage or listen to the podcast, they're like, these guys are on it. They're always on it. They're always on it.

There is a gear that you have for the stage. There is a gear that you have for the podcast, they're like, these guys are on it. They're always on it. They're always on it. There is a gear that you have for the stage. There is a gear that you have for the podcast. It's not normal gear. It's not like this is not how. I'm not sat on my couch with my daughter playing, and my wife comes in, and she says, bloody hell, you've not washed the pots. And I'm like, I don't come to where you work

and slap the dick out of you. If someone's giving me shit, I think actually, this is the weird one that probably people don't come to where you work and slap their dick out of you. Like, if someone's giving me shit, I think actually, this is the weird one that probably people don't expect. Once you're a comic and you are getting a lot of gigs and a lot of recognition and work and everything, the more you get, the more it actually chills you out offstage because it makes you go, I have an outlet for this. I'm funny.

I need to show off, which is all of us, isn't it? Well, you have an outlet. Once that outlet is satisfied regularly, in normal situations, I think we can become quite passive. It's almost like we get this, not force field, but we don't need to be recognised as funny in a group of people. And sometimes that can tip over to like, oh, he's a comedian, he's trying to be funny.

So I think we go quieter sometimes. A little bit, yeah. Like, I get my hair cut in West Arby, at a barber's called Crew. If you're looking for a place to get your hair cut, I can't recommend the lads in there enough because of the dead sound. And they're all fucking hilarious.

Like, the barbers that I go to, they're funny as fuck. And Paul Smith gets his hair cut there as well. So we're in there quite a lot, we've been in there a similar time, and I think other customers who sort of recognise us from the Hot Wars videos and that, are always a bit like, they're a bit quiet when they're off stage, it's totally normal, especially when you're in a room full of ruthless barbers, who are funny as fuck anyway, we'll join in in a conversation and have a laugh, but you're absolutely right the worst thing you can be is a triad isn't it so if you if someone sees oh he's a comedian he's trying to

make everyone laugh all the time that's the worst thing you can be you we've got almost off stage we've got to take our opportunities carefully if we can say the funniest thing that anyone's said in the last five minutes then we'll say it but we're not just going to come in at your mediocre banter level no and if they and as soon as some someone starts doing like say one of those hairdressers is ripping you yeah if you start making it a competition it it can it can almost look i don't know like a little bit childish or like you're getting defensive it's much better as a comedian to be like oh i'm there yeah i'm getting ripped absolutely fine yeah what i do clap back on is uh the odd like comment or dm again so the the internet's generally horrible for a lot of things obviously we get a lot of positivity

and that's great and i still use it for that but occasionally i'll put like a video out on facebook or twitter and someone will message me or like i'll get like a comment on this isn't funny and it's like i had two million views and there's a hundred thousand people going this is the best thing i've ever seen um but i still feel a need sometimes to be like well i know how to make this funny so i'll like maybe go to their profile picture where they look ridiculous and i'll photoshop it or something um like there was one guy who messaged me a while back just out of the blue for no fucking reason and trolls have been a hot topic lately when like caroline flack died and everyone was like you know we need to stop trolling people in the public eye because it can be audible

and it can be and it can get you down sometimes but generally i just tend to just try and be yeah and then so someone messaged me to a twitter dm not a reply to a video just out the fucking blue and said hey mate you're about as funny as a death in the family right so i laughed me head off at that morning just imagine it wasn't the morning as well though and i was like just as he's finishing his coffee i am gonna be a cunt to adam row today yeah just like where's this come from so i replied and said well do you know what, mate? That's fair enough. You're more than entitled to your opinion.

And I'm very aware that comedy is subjective. What some people find funny, other people won't find funny. For example, I'd find a death in your family fucking hilarious. And what did he say? He didn't reply. Oh, well, good. He blocked me. That's good. Blocked me and deleted me. He was like, hang on. I didn well, good. He blocked me. That's good.

Blocked me and deleted me. He was like, hang on, I didn't know people could reply to me being a cunt. Yeah, so if I get something like that, particularly a DM, like I understand a comment on a video where you're not 100% sure someone's going to see it. Like, this isn't good. All right, you don't find it funny. I'm not for everyone.

If I was for everyone, I'd be the most boring comedian in the world. Also, whenever we put stuff out online, you'd have to be a fucking really frail, like, weak foundation commenter. I've put a thing on YouTube and someone was nasty in the comments. You put shit up.

But to actually go separately and go, this is into your direct messages. You'd be as funny as the death in the family. Well, if your nan died, I'd be fucking laughing my head off, mate. You rat. Yeah. So in real life, nice and chill.

Get your hair cut. Yeah. Take a few slams. It's all fun. Yeah. Put it in my direct... If you slide into my DMs, I'll break your fingers.

Yeah. Well, I won't break your fingers. I'll break your spirit. You won't be DMing anyone else abuse anytime soon you're getting clapped back man the fucking clapped back

sit down you dodgy boy who the fuck is that guy don't chat to me have you never seen me before I gig with Kane at the weekend oh my god we've got to plug that

talking about hecklers. If you want to see the greatest heckle put down of all time. I'm going to put it on the episode. I'm going to convert it off YouTube. I'll rip the audio. He's a comic. He'll be fine. You reckon?

Yeah. Or should we direct people to the YouTube clip? I think you've got to see how angry he is, to be honest with you. Yeah. You can rip a bit out of it and put it in but if you want to see the full version of this

just go to YouTube and it's Kane Brown deals with Heckler. It'll be the top result. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It must be. Kane Brown, Heckler

it will come up. So he is that a black comedy night in London? I've watched it 420 times. Oh easy. And I was at on Saturday this week

I hosted the shows at Hot Water Kane was on and I told at on Saturday this week I hosted the shows at Hot Water Kane was on and I told him I was like lad I fucking love that video and he was like I'm gutted

because back when it happened it was about 10 years ago she was like I didn't capitalise on it I didn't like it went properly viral but I didn't really make anything with it

but he walks on stage and before he's even said a word there's just some woman in the audience who goes shut up and oh

I don't want to even ruin it i don't because i i know it word for word i know it word for word and i could do it right now but it will not do it justice go and watch this video it's the best heckle put down video i've ever seen in my life and and you can tell as a comic that he controls himself but initially he is annoyed yeah he is. By the time it's later on and he's doing- Then you tell me to shut up! Have you never seen me before?

By the time he gets to, what have you got? A fucking face piercing. You look like a colander. You got fumes coming off your pum pum. Look like a petrol station. Mate, I- That's the best line of all time.

Go and watch it and I'm going to clip something off for the board. I really think we need a new drop. We need a new drop. Nasty bitch! Upset me! Yes, that's the one. Oh, yeah, go and check it out.

I'm going for the Kane, because he's one... If you can go and see Kane Brown live, he's worth it just for how handsome he is. He's one of the best looking men i've ever seen in my life no ck brown did you tell me to shut up did it have you never seen me before so how you're sitting there saying shut up and you got your pussy lip hanging out flapping don't chat to me i can see fumes coming off your pom-pom look like a petrol station.

Shut up. Now it's time for Would You Rather with your favourite morons, Adam and Dan. Shall we do-do-do some Would You Rather? Yeah, we've got some Would You Rathers. Oh, can I do my bed? Here on the Have A Word Podcast Me and Adam love to Point Pose

Fuck Would you rob us We got called Libtards on Twitter For this Did you see that I don't know what that is But I enjoyed it

Libtards is What right wing people Call left wing people As an insult You're a libtard have they not heard my Iraqi accent I can lean right yeah

so we do Roger Rathers please do send them in we've got a couple to do now you say we've got a couple we've got about 300 in our email box of these and we're going to start going through them week by week but please keep them coming in because some of these are fucking excellent I mean I've got three that i've picked out some of them are like if your dad was like bumming your ear would you rather shut up your

fucking libtards okay come on back i mean that was not the way to use that no uh i'm sorry we've got one from uh who's she's becoming a bit of a podcast legend becky heron sent us a would you rather we got one from becky yeah becky and it's not gross or min this is the kind of like this starting point like a solid starting point we'll see where we go would you adam yeah would you rather your clothes were always two sizes too big or always one size too small. Ah. Love the noises you make when you have a proper thing. I think most of my clothes are one size too small

or two sizes too big anyway. Like, this is a baggy hoodie, but the T-shirt underneath is like... Tammy Girl Starter, bro. It's like I'm in like a gay club in Berlin it's like or Adam

I love your dress sense did you rob a child? I love your crop top no this is not crop top this is normal t-shirt it's just too small it's actually the long style but it's ridden up And if you're wondering why my accent changes when I go to Berlin It's because I like to assimilate with the locals

It's because of all the dicks in you Oh Adam Oh Adam I have seen you on Twitter Oh you're about as funny as a dick in the arse And I mean very funny Do you think gay people find a dick in the ass funny is that what you just said

out loud that was business time do you think gay people are like getting bummed like ha ha ha ha funny situation I don't know

it'd be weird have you ever I don't know you and your missus have fucking banter sex anyway don't you as we found out last week or the week before

she's laughed me out of her vagina laughed you out of her vagina actually I've made her laugh so much As I was trying to You know

Move in She laughed And I got popped out again Fucking hell She's got a strong vagina I met her in Berlin A big laugh Labdard

Leave my vagina Daniel You shall not pass That's why I call her gandalf that and the beard she's taking a fucking slapping on this podcast your missus oh god oh i love her i i honestly think all of my clothes are one size too small so this is just basically do you want to look like you're into hip hop or wear your clothes? I have a nightmare of clothes, you know,

because I'm so, do you, Adam? Come on, safe place. I'm fat and small. I'm five foot nine, 10 E and I'm 16 stone,

which is medically bang out of order. Like, there's no shop for trolls and like literally i think what i've got on here i seen someone on twitter tweeted the other day and was like um if you want to know what it's like to be a woman uh with clothes size i'm currently wearing an 8 a 10 a 12 and a 14 different stuff and i was like this is an agenda thing. Like, this hoodie I've got on, I'm pretty sure is XL, right? I think me T-shirt is a double XL or a large. Me undies are a medium, and me jeans are a 34-inch waist, because that's how...

I've got, like, a thin waist and a massive top. I'm so top-heavy, because me legs get a lot of exercise carrying the fucking rest of me around. Where's your centre of gravity? It must be weirdly high up. I think it's in me neck. It's windy. Adam's not going out.

Adam, you're falling over again. So I feel for you on this one, mate. I am not tall and I've got quite stumpy legs. But I'm not one of these fatties either, who's like whinging as if it's the shop's fault. You know, like where people are like, you know what, it's really horrible to be a fat person because you've got to go for different shops

and you don't know what size you need. Yeah, we'll try three on, and whatever one fits, buy that. Stop fucking whinging. It's just a rough guy. As a 28-year-old fat man, I can't even wear anything in Miss Selfridge. Vara's really tight. I had to get a rough guy. As a 28-year-old fat man, I can't even wear anything in my self-ridge. Bar is really tight. I had to get a double XL.

Okay, cool. Oh, mate. Buy a two-man tent if you have to, you fat twat. It doesn't... I am wearing... This is how difficult it is as a short, fat man. I am wearing a small, a medium, a large, an XL and a tent. I love it when you're in the wrong shop once this is this happened in liverpool

there's a forever 21 bang in the middle of town in there on a corner i think it's closing down but it is i needed i needed a lint roller because as you know got a little bit of the ocd tendencies yeah and i cannot abide wearing a dark t-shirt that's one size too small a little on the tits but also having lint i can't do it got to hot water had no lint roller it was one of those things where they're like 19 shows in the day i had a gap between shows so i was like i'm gonna go buy a lint roller walk through town i was like where the fuck am i buying a lint roller i was like it's gonna just be from a girl's shop because i was in the middle of town i just looked and forever 21 was there like you're in a movie i've walked in looking like a look being who i am like i am

walked in and i have never felt more like a sex tourist in my fucking life hello kinder there's a lot of orange women here so all of the girls what's the what's the age limit on forever 21 because it looked like it was Forever 14 and a half. Yeah. It was just children everywhere. And really heavily makeuped girl children. And I have never got so many dodgy looks. Like, you know, like if you're a shoplifter,

security guards look at you like, are you going to steal something? It was like, are you going to... Fuck a kid. ...grow up a child? I was like, I'm just here for lint rollers. And that made it seem worse. Oh, it's so linty i just want something to rub on my nipples they're so young um so really becky it's a new button for the soundboard

you haven't jerked off in nearly 36 hours. Get out of Forever 21. I honestly think you've asked a question of basically like, yeah. Oh, so I think clothes that look two sizes too big just look fucking horrible, don't they? I just don't like it. I think, yeah, I always buy things one size too small generally because I convince myself that I'm going to go on a diet soon. Aspirational buy-in. We all do that, babe.

And then what I do is I go home, try it on, realise it doesn't fit, and then comfort it. Have you got a side of your wardrobe or a place where the aspirational wardrobe is? One day. A whole fucking wardrobe? Yeah. Why do you think I wear a hoodie every week on this?

It's because none of my T-shirts fit. I've got a box in the garage that's literally got thin written on it. I'm not even joking So what would I rather I'm going to go one size too small Because that's what I do That's what we're doing already

From Zach Would you rather have a partner with the perfect face But very average body Or a very average face With the perfect body So Obviously we're all partnered up a very average face with the perfect body. Ooh. So, obviously we're all partnered up and I've already pissed my wife off

like three times this episode. So what I'd say is, it's a hypothetical, you know? We're in the realms of a dream world. Okay, so before we crack on, do you think Laura's got a better face or body? Oh, Jesus. Is that the end of the podcast

I really feel I think we might have run out of SD card lovely listening to you could you not vote for Adam

because he's just hypothetical say you know say coronavirus takes our partners out hashtag god bless

yeah what are you looking for? Average face and good body. Or good face, average body. Do you know, and I feel very strongly about this, and I do, and I have done for the last four seconds. Beautiful face, average body. Because you're looking at an average face like...

Like a nothing face. Well, the thing is... You could have an amazing body, but you've got to look at that fucking... When you're watching a film, like, oh, God, look an average face like... Like a nothing face. Well, the thing is... You could have an amazing body, but you've got to look at that fucking... When you're watching a film, like, oh, God, look at average face over there. Eating a domino. Average is all right, though, isn't it?

Average is... He's made it quite easy, really, because I'd be happy with either of them. I'm not... So, would you rather? You can't either of them. Would you rather? Yeah, but most of these would-you-rathers,

both are horrific, which makes it... Which makes it hard. Whereas, I think... Would you rather have a partner with your makes it Which makes it hard Whereas I think Would you rather have a partner With your dad's face Or your mum's fanny And that's from 72 of our listeners

Right Have a partner With the perfect face But Terrible body Bad body Yeah Like what are we talking about

Bad like Like My lovely little Pimples Like the Like Oh not pimples Pimples. Like the... Oh, not pimples. Pimples everywhere.

Oh, fuck. No, you've made it too hard now. I actually see what Zach's done here. Because if you make it minging, you're like, well, I can't. What's the matter? I haven't had an erection for four years. Pimples, like benign tumours.

Just a lumpy, pimply woman with a gorgeous face. Or a lumpy, pimply face. Shrek. or a lumpy pimply face Shrek stupidly good body now you've got to do I see why he's done average because if you make it too it becomes like

I honestly think but then it becomes difficult to piff doesn't it beautiful face average body you know why because that face is

the window to the I don't know what I'm on about but I like a little bit of chunk here and there and a little bit of you know like a malformed leg a what do you know what I'm on about but I like a little bit of chunk here and there and a little bit of you know like a malformed leg a what?

do you know what I mean? a malformed I think they could be into that beautiful face nice breasts one smaller than the other and a wooden knee

and then one leg smaller than the other like shit she can do all sorts every time we have sex it's like a fucking horny game of twister that bitch can do positions that no one else can do, you know,

because she's got one fucking troll foot. Yeah, I do like her pretty face on it, girl, so I think I'd probably agree with you. You deserve it. The perfect body, though. Now, I'm going perfect body, average face. I can look at an average face and deal with that. Not a problem at all.

Happy birthday, Jade. But yeah, perfect body yeah perfect I mean perfect body like perfect yeah yeah but remember the conversation we just said about all our clothes

being too small Victoria's Secret model perfect yeah like with a plain Jane fucking face yeah but doggy style

you fucking box off what are you on for doggy style's regular do you know of all the things we've joked about I feel like you took that too far no I didn't

doggy style's sound and you've got the perfect body as long as she's not facing a mirror you're golden don't fuck her in front of a puddle fuck at the wardrobe game there's a mirror around the wardrobe fuck you Ikea

why do I why are you calling me betsy just what i like pat me on the bum triggered oh uh this is um okay from from derrick derrick and he says derrick this is from Derek. Derek. And he says... Derek. This is from a guy called Derek. A guy called Derek.

Yes, called Derek. Derek. It's strange that... He says, hi Dave. So... Derek's a fucking idiot. You are listening to Have a Word with Adam Rowe and some cunt called Dave.

It's nice to know that nine episodes in, one guy can't be arsed learning our name. Fucking libtard. Dave. Would Adam rather score the winning goal for United to relegate Liverpool or have to go to prison and share a cell

with a sex-starved, horny-as-fuck purple ackee? Do you know why I kept this one in? But they're not related! I know we don't even talk about football, but what's a purple ackee? You don't know who a purple ackee is? No. You've never heard of purple aki?

It sounds familiar. Is it like Forever 21? So, um... It could be a girl's clothes shop. First of all, purple aki, although he is widely known as that, and that name has to be used, I'm pretty sure there's a bit of racism in there, because P. Aki is a racial slayer.

And I also think Purple... Disgusting! Because this is a very black man, Purple Aki. And there's a long historical thing with racism where people are so black they're purple. Like, that's a racist thing. Is it? Yeah.

So I think that's why he's called that. However... I genuinely didn't know i'm not even with it i i honestly i guess we've got to educate you on purple i guess what a purple like he was because of the situation but i genuinely couldn't have told you what purple like he was okay and i didn't know it was racist i well i think i think it is and i'd just like to as a white man i think it might be racist i'd just like to add that caveat in before we carry on uh but we've got to leave this it we've got to have you educated on purple i can't believe you As a white man, I think it might be racist. I'd just like to add that caveat in before we carry on.

But we've got to leave this in. We've got to have you educated on Pierre Polacky. I can't believe you don't know who he is. So Pierre Polacky is a very famous Scouse man who has been to prison for several times for groping the muscles of men. Oh. So Pierre Polacky, if you look a bit muscly, or even if you don't,

he might come up to you in the street sometime in Liverpool in Liverpool and he travels around as well I tried to take a selfie of him like with him in the background at Manchester Piccadilly Station

a couple of years ago and he caught me and came over to me and scared the fucking shit out of me he's enormous and he would go up to men

and say like I'll give you a fiver if I can just grope your biceps a bit and he'd make you make a make a make a little bicep and he'd squeeze it Has he got a Twitter?

Is this social media? Is this on Instagram? No he's not verified Is he doing Is he recording it? No He's just a bit of a

a muscly sexual creep Oh So that's who Peer Black is So what was the question again? Score the winning goal for United to relegate Liverpool. Yeah. I, honestly, I could finish it right there. I think Adam could take about four large dicks before he does that.

Or go to prison and share a cell with a sex-starved, horny-as-smoke Purple Ackie. Yeah, I'm getting bummed by Purple, me. Yeah? Yeah, pee money, me. Because you're a red. I'll take a purple, purple lackey. Yeah, I'm getting bummed by purple, me. Yeah? Yeah, pee money, me. Because you're a red. I'll take a purple for a fucking red. We don't talk about fussy that much on this podcast,

sort of by design. Particularly this week, because Watford beat Liverpool 3-0. I'm so sorry. Yeah, Dan's a Watford fan. The stuff's back! Congratulations, yes. But anyone who saw some Liverpool are fucked

What the fuck's this? Where's that come from? What was that? It's just saying goodbye Why is that an unlabelled button That you know what it does? is that? It's just saying goodbye.

Why is that an unlabelled button that you know what it does? Undefeated. Record's gone. It's all four claps fucked. Oh, you fucking cunt. Anyone who follows me on Twitter knows I'm quite aggressively a Liverpool fan.

And Liverpool, as a football club affects my mood it drives Jade mad because if Liverpool lose, well normally when Liverpool lose I've sort of got over the what for one quite quickly because of how well we're doing, but when we're close to other teams and Liverpool drop points and it can negatively affect our campaign it fucks my week up, I can be quite

moody for the week or so I feel sick. The thought of scoring a goal for Manchester United that relegates Liverpool, I can't deal with that. Whereas I feel like I would get over being bummed by Purple Hockey a few times. Also, it's that weird thing of being a comedian

in those two situations. One, you can never gig in Liverpool again, so that's a nightmare. And the other one, you get a story out of that. You can end an Edinburgh show on that I'm less straight than I am willing to score

for Man United I'm straight but yeah yeah you okay someone's ringing it's fine

it's me agent I'll call her back in a bit fucking hell you know losing to Watford is essentially like a EuroMillions winner. You know, like Liverpool being so far ahead.

It's a blip, isn't it? It's like a EuroMillions winner losing. It's 3-0 as well, though. It was such a slapping. Did you watch the game? I did not watch the game. I didn't know it was happening. I was driving.

I knew it was happening. But in my head, we lost to United. And in my head, we had a really good run over Christmas. And I'm just like, I want to get this going again, because we've got a good squad, we can survive. And I'd written off the United game and the Liverpool game, I'd written them off and like, right, but that last 10 games will be all right.

Now, I believe. Yeah, I think you'll stay up. That's Sar's a great player, Deeney's a warrior up front. Do you think you'll stay up? I think we probably will I never want to hear that noise again that has never turned I never ever ever want to hear that noise again

I'm going to get Vietnam style flashbacks to that fuck fuck Watford fuck the Hornets Fuck that bee cunt you have on the sidelines

Fuck Elton John Fuck Troy Deeney Fuck No Fuck Or Fuck No

Fuck the colour yellow No The colour yellow Dan Isn't one of your away kits yellow? No It used to be It used to be Not anymore Reebok Fuck off Yellow. Dan. Wasn't one of your away kits yellow? No. It used to be.

It used to be. Not anymore. Reebok. Fuck off. Upset me, nasty bitch. The snuff time. Shut up. The snuff time.

Okay, boys. Let's do another feature already. It's time for Have a Word with Adam and Dan. Send us all the problems that you have with your friends. We'll tell them to fuck off and why they're wrong and you're right. I listened to it

the other night. Have a word. He tried to rhyme then. I did. That was where it went off. I was like, Adam's doing all right here. Fuck, he's tried to rhyme.

Stream of consciousness next time. Time for Have a Word with Adam and Dan saying there's all the problems that you have with your friends We'll have a word with them for you Right That'll stop you singing That's brilliant

That's Pavlovian That's horrible Adam Our good listeners have been They want us to fix their lives Let us help them Yeah so For any new listeners i'm sure the regular listeners are well attuned to what we're about to do here uh we do this section

every week everything you've heard so far this episode like there's a bit of bullshit there's some interchangeable futures that are in sometimes every single week we have a word this is going to be the whole podcast yeah i mean it's about 10 sentiment these days um we have a word this was going to be the whole podcast yeah it's about 10% of it these days um we have a word with someone on your behalf so if someone in your life is doing something that's driving you mad if they're ruining their own life and they're not listening to you they're not listening to their friends tell us about it we'll have a word with them for you and hopefully an outside perspective will help you get along with fixing this shit so we've got two have a words for this week uh the first one is from harry uh this was sent to me via either instagram or twitter i can't remember but it's harry wants us to have a word with his nana i just want to leave the family me and my mrs

megan like we just want to fucking so good i'll tell you what if prince harry ever writes into this then that'll be the end of the podcast we're never going to top that are we um hi adam uh podcast this class and i need you to have a word with someone in my university flat there's a lad from down south who lives with us let's say his name is gary it's not it's charlie but don't want him crying over me complaining about him i don't think i was meant to read the bit his name is gary gary and he's a massive wet wipe like he's a nice lad in terms of he'd shake your hand when you meet him coronavirus bad idea uh but he says shite like crikey and marvelous and wears tight jean shorts oh this is

getting a bit homophobic uh the worst of it though though, is that he got one of the girls in the flat in week one. Oh, he's not gay. He just wears tight jean shorts. Weird. One size too small. He got one of the girls in the flat in week one and asked her to be his girlfriend by week 10, subsequently buying £200 of Taylor Swift tickets for her. That scared her off.

They've now broken up. Since we came to uni in September, he just mopes and cries and pulls people for chats in his room so he can wallow and does that thing where he stares off into space like one flew over the cuckoo's nest until someone asks him if he's all right. Tell him to have a word and grow some balls. Lots of love from Harry. Fucking Harry doesn't mess around, does he? Also, he's very on top of weeks, isn't he? By week one, he did this.

By week ten, he did this. I reckon Harry narrates like he's the Geordie in the Big Brother house. No, but Harry knows. Week nine in the uni flat. Week 12, Gary's gone and bought Taylor Swift tickets for Megan, and Megan's fucking shitting herself. Taylor Swift tickets for Megan and Megan's fucking shitting herself. Megan's gone home

because by week 14 she's got a restraining order. Week 12 in the Big Brother house. Oh man, this Big Brother house just got fucking a different feel about it. Do you know what I have a problem with? I start doing one accent and it just morphs got a different feel about it. Do you know what I have a problem with? I start doing one accent and it just morphs into a different one.

And I've got no control over it. That was good, though. Week 10 in the big brother house. Oh, not Welsh. Got a lot of Welsh listeners. Week 10 in the big brother house. What? Gary's saying shiteley crakey

and marvellous marvellous nasty bitch is this I don't know which part of oh my god it's all over the shop

oh we need to have a word with ourselves man this podcast has been so fun I feel tired I tried to do an African accent again

and it was Bangladeshi. Oh my God, I'm so... Are you hanging around with your daughter too much? I'm so African. So... I'm from Sunderland. Yeah, I think... I'm from Coventry, motherfucker.

We've got to have a word with Gary here because you're ruining your mate's uni experience here, lad. Like, you can't be the miserable... You're going to end up with no mates by oh he sounds terrible year two and you know what's gonna happen yeah gary if you're it's not your real name so um you know what's gonna happen here gary if uh if you carry on being a mopey little bellwiff then in year two you're gonna be living with new people again yeah because year one which is what this sounds like you you sort of get lumped in with a load of people that you don't know who you're

signing up for yeah the uni just go this is your flat it's you five yeah see it but in year two you get a couple of sound people yeah one chinese exchange student one lad from kenilworth who's a weirdo yeah one northern irish rugby player i'm getting very specific about my own experience yeah yeah and it's all pot luck but if you're a bell with by the time you get to second year because year two you you tend to pick your housemates don't you and you find a little house like in the outskirts of the city you're not in the city center on campus anymore you tend to get like a student house in that little student area in the bavarian quarter yeah so in liverpool it's smith down road which is a massive fucking road there's loads of roads off it that's just student central

that does loads there in manchester it's um fallowfield fallowfield isn't it by where excess malarkey used to be yeah back in town um you you're gonna gary you're gonna end up in a house with all the other miserable pricks who just get left i I don't know if he is I think he's going to be back in halls again I think he's going to be that, fuck it what's he doing here? I said last year no one wanted to live with me Fuck, then you're ruining some freshers

like, oh, that old dude's sad Also, this is advice for fucking everyone I didn't go to uni for that long but I still feel in a position to give this advice You don't want to end up in a relationship with the girl you've banged in week one of uni. Uni's to be a slag, isn't it? That's a time to just spread your seed a bit.

Isn't that from the... It's Oscar Wilde. Isn't that from the prospectus of the University of Cambridge? Here at King's College, we believe that university is to be a slag Harvard University College London I can't quite place it

like uni is a time to just get some dick get some pussy if you like both get some dick and some pussy

at the University of Coventry no that's yeah that's the university I think that's the University of Rochdale what up motherfuckers it ain't a campus it's my nana's house University of Carpentry. No, that's the university. I think that's the University of Rochdale's perspective. What up, motherfucker? It ain't a campus. It's my nana's house.

Yeah. You can't be this melt lad who gets... I went to uni with two mates. We were... They started dating in freshers' week and they split up. And this sounds like I'm just saying it for the podcast. Just after graduation,

they just were like this isn't going to work they were already on the rocks they graduated she they all went to different one was from west yorkshire one was from seven oaks in kent and they literally split up yeah so basically for every fucking minute of university three years both got a degree in newcastle one of the most fun places you can be at university. They were in a committed long-term relationship. Yeah, because I've just said unis for slags. Newcastle's for slags as well. For real?

You put them together. You've got, you can be a, and when I say slags, by the way, this isn't slut shame, and I'm talking about men as well, and I'm not using it as a negative term at all. I think we should all be slags when we're at university or in Newcastle.

And yeah, you can't be the melt who buys 200 quid of Taylor Swift tickets, at all. I think we should all be slags when we're at university or in Newcastle. And, yeah, you can't be the melt who buys 200 quid of Taylor Swift tickets 10 weeks in to a relationship. Ugh. 10 weeks. Also,

what are you doing? That's like me turning up next week with 200 quids worth of tickets to take you to see Taylor Swift. I've been married five years and I'm a full-grown earning adult. I won't spend 200 quid on tickets for fucking anyone. What's he doing? Is he going in I wouldn't spend 200 quid on tickets for fucking anyone.

Is he going in his student loan for 200 quid a ticket? You should be spending that on vodka Red Bulls. Speeding your heart rate up and slowing it down at the same time. If you haven't given yourself an arrhythmia by week 10, you can't be giving someone tickets to Taylor Swift.

Gary's not coming out. He's not even got a fucking murmur. Pussy! Can you imagine going in for an emergency loan at University? I need a hardship loan, an emergency hardship loan. Do you? Yeah, because I didn't get Taylor Swift tickets on the initial sale, so now I'm on, like, the ticket sites.

And the cunt's staring out the window into space. Like in Friends when Ross and Rachel turned up split up for a bit. Slide of hand and twist of feet on a bed of nails she makes me win and I'm way without you.

That was brutal. Once again that voice. Without you. I'm going to stop him singing. There you go. With or without you. It's the same sound. It him singing There you go With or without you It's the same sound It's the same sound

With or With or without You G Like G G That was the most obvious one Harry We were always going to be on your side

But generally You can't get rid of You're just going to have to get to the end of first year You'll go home And in second year You will never have to deal with that twat again honestly that's how university works i'm so sorry you see people later in your life and you're like oh are you all right and you're like fuck that you don't have to be the mate yeah so i've got to say this harry you're nearly on your side

i wouldn't worry about it too much you've only got about three months left of this prick now and gary if you are listening to this lad and you want to change your ways and you've got three months to do six months get rid of six months worth of damage you've got to be the soundest most up for that lad for the next three months forget about this girl who didn't want these tickets off your lad you know what let's just go on your side just for one sec you fell in love early early in you you've you've you've fucked yourself up you need to get past it. You need to go on a streak. You need to be putting your dick in anything

that is willing to let you do it. I don't care whether it's Betty. I don't care whether it's other uni students. I don't care whether you have to get arrested and spend the night with Pierre Palacky. Whatever you need to do to get your willy wet, go and do it. Be a happier guy and stop making your lives

your mates lives miserable you're ruining uni for them pack it in you don't want to be living on your own next year or the rest of all the rejects i tell you what it's going to be brutal for harry if coronavirus strikes and he gets quarantined at uni with with gary with without you. It's just looking out the window like... Love Mr Taylor Swift concert. Yeah, there we go. Gary, have a word with yourself, lad. Fucking lid. Harry, thanks for your submission. We really appreciate it.

Let's do one more, and then we'll have to leave the rest for later. We will. So, final have a word for this week. Adam and Dan La need your help. Scouse one. Oh, it's definitely scouse this one for the pod this right i love how like some of the submissions we get especially from

scouse listeners are written in an accent do you know i mean like one for the pod this right he wrote that down he didn't that wasn't a verbal tech right at the end of the sentence do iphone do like a scouse auto correct i think we have to just turn it off. Otherwise you end up getting lad corrected, and you have to go back and delete your own D. Adam and Dan Lark need your help. One for the pod this, right? My mate has been speaking to this girl for a couple of months now,

and to be honest with you, right, the both of them haven't got their heads screwed on properly. A month in after getting with each other, they drop the L-bomb too soon. Oh. How long? A month. A month in.

I wonder how old they are. Go on, finish it. Finish it. Yes, definitely. Lasagna. This is after four months of speaking. So they've been speaking for four months, together for one month, and then I love you. Oof.

The other night he said he was completely done with the relationship and just didn't see it going anywhere so as a good mate i told him whatever choice he'd made i'd be happy for him that night he went home and told her the bad news they argued like badly argued so then a day later i come home from work to news that he's apologized to her and then i was acting as if nothing happened me and my girlfriend they were in the middle of both of this as my girlfriend is mates with his girl we're in the middle of it and it's a nightmare for us have a word with these two for us and tell them to grow up it was sent to me on twitter by jack right so what Jack thinks they should... Who has asked not to be named. So, John Doe... Let me make this an added point. This was sent to me on Twitter by someone who has asked not to be named

and we shall call him Elliot. So, does Elliot want... Does Elliot... Elliot! When he says, tell him to grow up, does he mean split up? Is that what he wants? I think... Is he just like, they're not...

What's going... I think this is a classic case. He's just whinging, isn't he? I think this is a classic case of, like, Elliot and his missus have gone, well, my mate's single, your mate's single, let's put them together, and they're both lonely people who have lost their best friends

to a relationship so now they're like I just need to if I get with her mate then we'll be able to see each other all the time and I've seen this happen before where you end up

in a relationship with like your mate's bird's mate it's so eggy because you're trying to force to date a random innit

because then when it all goes wrong you're like we'll never see each other again, bye-bye. Yeah. Yeah, it's also better because then at the end of it, like, your mate's in his bed

and you're like, never fucking like that anyway. Your mate even can't be that honest if it's his bed's mate. Because if they get married, he might be the best man and she might be one of the bridesmaids. That Eggie night

where you're like, oh, fuck, we dated, didn't we? Yeah. Made of honour and best man you're still a dick if that does happen they're gonna bang again

on the wedding oh grim do you know what made me laugh about that one when they were like it's just you know

so she he tried to end it and then they had a really bad argument as in she went psycho and now they're just back and he's they're ignoring it so basically she went and and now they're just back and they're ignoring it

so basically she went and he was like fuck that alright yeah we're still together Jesus Christ I didn't see you had that gear fuck's sake it's such a classic version though of like all those relationships you see on Facebook and that you know where it like plays out on social media where it's like he's a bastard I'm fucking done with him

I'm done with him and you know what he's always been a cunt and I can't believe i didn't know it from the start and then the next day they'll put like a status up like there's a selfie there's love hearts everywhere and they're like you know what it's just me and him against the world and no one else opinions matter and you're like yes that you were asking for everyone else's opinion should have done this privately dickheads yeah i reckon i reckon you need to uh have you heard the story about kai kai humphries of our mate great comic right brilliant comic he tried to end a relationship this is years ago about five six seven years ago he told me this is like what's it is it this is not with

natalie who he's now my no no no no this is back in the days he uh he was seeing this girl he's been seeing her for like whatever, a year. They've been living together, a year and a half. And he was like, he'd known for a while, because Kai's dead sound, that it just wasn't working out. So he was like, I've been building up to it in my head for like more than a couple of months, but she's sound and everything, but I need to end it.

So he was at home and she waited for him to come home from work and was like, listen, it's not you, you it's me it's just not working out I'm not not really that happy and she was like oh I was broke down and he was just consoled and he was like look and I don't anyway it didn't get nasty but he was like I don't know what you want to do but it's just I'm not feeling it and I hope that we can still be friends and everything obviously you don't need to move out immediately but you know it is my place so anyway i'm just so glad she was like oh i'm heartbroken and we're just trying to get through it next day he uh he was out got back to his flat where they live together and she just made some food and there was a wash on she tied it up like it was a normal day he was like oh this is strange

that we're not really talking about the breaking up and she was really light and like happy and normal and then after about half an hour he's like it really hasn't even been brought up at all this and then after like two hours he was like oh my god she's ignoring it and then he was like fuck so long had gone on that he'd not gone. You know, we have split up and she kept going like that and they were together for another six months. I'm not even joking.

That's so funny. She just went, she slept on it, woke up and went. Like a Denham Brown mind trick just came in and was like, it didn't happen.

I'm going to make him think that he dreamt the breakup. And he's, and Kai's a nice guy. Genuinely, he knew what was going on, but he was like it didn't happen I'm gonna make him think that he dreamt the breakup and he's and Kai's a nice guy genuinely he knew what was going on but he was like fuck

he was like couldn't he was like I don't know what to do with this how did he break up in the end the second time this is literally like

brought his lawyer in it was like witnesses brought bailiffs in yeah yeah it was like she needs to go now this might seem she's squatting.

This might seem like repetition, except now we have legal representation. Wearing a GoPro for your breakup. So you've got to fucking record, haven't you? No, I didn't dream it. Off a set of sweaters. Look, here she is, making a fucking lasagna in the kitchen

as if nothing's fucking happened. It is weird, though, isn't it? It is fucking weird i love do you want garlic bread do you want garlic bread do you know do you know he's he's fucked because they're just gonna have to do what they do they're gonna have to let that storm just play out how it plays out yeah you can't you know she sounds mental so don't even get involved because you're gonna make an enemy yeah i think the problem here is um you you've written into us so you obviously really don't want these two to be

together and i reckon your missus doesn't want them to be together either but if you if you were to give them that advice and go you need to split up this isn't fucking working they're both like your missus's mate is gonna hate you because she's gonna there's a history with it with your missus so they're gonna be like well we're still friends you were just being honest with me but i reckon he was fucking they could get married you could lose a mate and then your mate is gonna side with you but hate your missus you you both gonna you and your missus are gonna stay together your mates are gonna split up your mate's gonna hate your missus her mate's gonna hate you eggy as fuck what you going to have to do lad is just slowly erode their

relationship and confidence you just need to keep slipping in problems and keep going black ops yeah oh adam i love how your evil mind works yeah metal gear solid style it's that i tell you metal gear solid style that sounded like is that a game all right okay i i think the clever way to do this instead of eroding it from your mate's side ignore him because that's what she's expecting you she's expecting you to undermine it from your mate's side fuck him start undermining it from her side and get your missus to do it from your mate's side fuck him start undermining it from her side and get your missus to do it from your mate's side you swap roles it's the perfect murder oh so you're just slowly like he's my mate and that but i don't know how you put up with him as in a relationship

he's a nightmare isn't he like isn't he horrible the way he does this and that and then you get your missus to do it the other side and then when you break up when they break up your mate's still gonna love your missus because he's gonna see it as the only ally who understood him the whole time and the problems they had and your your missus's mate is gonna still love you this is fucking we've solved this so you go to her have a word you go to her just say he's had a wank On a National Express Yeah Yeah That's my gift to them Because I think That'll erode any relationship

When Laura heard it On the podcast She didn't I'd never told her that Did you not? Yeah but she's married now Yeah So she's fucked

It cost her a lot of money To leave you They're not married National Express wank Could end that relationship She'd be like He's a perv Now Laura thinks that

But she's got a mortgage And a child What's she gonna do? Get your missus To tell him That she once frigged herself off On the Walters On the Walters?

At Rill At Rill? Fair I'm just trying to think of an equivalent I reckon Frig yourself off on the Walters Wank on a National Express They are the gender opposites actually

Frigged yourself off on a sun shower That's it! are the gender opposites actually freaked yourself off on a sun shower where's my sun shower damp jack yeah oh that was good that felt like we were i mean it's you know i feel like we've actually given some solid advice there though in a In a roundabout way, in our way of doing it, I actually think we've helped there. Yeah. I think you need to go to the girl and slag your mate off.

Get your missus to go to him and slag her mate off. It's the perfect mirror. They'll split up. You'll all still be friends apart from them, too. They might even stay friends in this situation. We've fucking nailed it. That's the pod. Have a word.

Done. to the pod, have a word, done let's let's get someone with genuine talent to close out this podcast, who have we got this week so yeah we've got a song coming up, just a bit here today before we close out please go to either our twitter

or the Chortle websites and vote for me to win best club comic and vote for anyone but Dan Nightingale to win best compo, don't you fucking dare. And keep downloading, keep hitting subscribe, keep leaving us the five star reviews and

most importantly, keep talking about us in your WhatsApp group, social media. Please keep doing all of that. The more you do it, the more it helps us.

We're going to climb the charts again. We're going to get more and more downloads and we're going to be able to do this for longer and longer. We're so, so grateful

for the support so far. Please keep doing it please do that and also if you fancy coming to see me on tour as I said Dan's going to do a couple of those with me

just as a very big favour to be honest with you he absolutely murdered it in Chester last week come and see me you can go to adamrow.co.uk

forward slash shows to get tickets for that playing us out this week there's a fantastic band called Columbia they're band called Columbia. They're on Instagram, Columbia.music. They're on Twitter, Columbia underscore. And they're on Facebook, Columbia space music.

And when I said space, it's a space, not the word space. And this is their song. It's called This Life. It's an absolute banger. Thanks to Columbia for letting us listen. Thanks to you guys for listening again. This is This Life by Columbia. We are out of here.

See you next week. Can you feel it? Running your head up against the wall Now tell me, can you see it? Cause I've been up all night trying to find a cure On one day they'll believe it Cause if they know what's good, they'll be back for more And never in my time have I seen it so bright and full of meaning Cause all of this night, all of the things I know Why seem it so bright and full of meaning? Cause all of this life and all of the things I know

Are coming home Cause we're not the people that I've been waiting for Getting old is slow Cause too many times I've seen it slip and Crossed the thin stream of life Tell me, can you feel it? Running your head up against the wall Now tell me, can you see it? Cause I've been up all night trying to find the cure

And now that they believe it Tell me your name is screaming back to me And never in my time have I that's so bright and full of meaning The soul of this life, and all of the things I know Are coming home, and all of the people that I've been waiting for Let me know the soul, there's too many times I've been waiting For something to speak about I know it's wrong, there's too many times I've been in pain I'm faster than the speed of light Cause all of these lies, all of the things I know

Are coming on, and all of the people I've been waiting for I know it's wrong, there's too many that I've been waiting for Have given up the show There's too many times I didn't think that Fasting through the speed of light So tell me, can you feel it? Tell me, can you feel it? Tell me, can you feel it?