Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #90 with Hal Cruttenden - IN STUDIO - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: October 19, 2020

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Really appreciate it. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally? You merely adopted the dark. I was born in it, molded by it. Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? When she pick it up every time she starts to talk, molded by it. Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? When she pick it up every time she starts to talk, give her the dick.

Disgusting! She'll be like, hello. What I'm doing? This is when you get it. What I'm doing? Oh, none. Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios, hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England,

these are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube. Ja! Upset me! Don't be a rat. Download, subscribe and tell a friend. It's the one and only. Have a word. Let's make some memories. Do you ever worry that you're on like a Truman Show type thing?

I don't think the numbers would be good. My life has got pretty boring. 10, 15 years ago, I'd have done some fucking ratings. Yeah, but like the inanity of human existence is addictive isn't it inanity have you ever like been have you ever had that thought you've ever been like out and about looking for cameras and that yeah i think it's a it's a naturally narcissistic thought that isn't it to be like maybe I'm the star of the show. No, but have you ever been on your way home

and you've got an episode of Friends stuck in your head and you get in and that's the one that's on E4 and you're like, there's something going on here. I don't see it in a positive way, either. Of all the fucking weird conspiracy proof of a Truman Show, I was thinking about Friends. I do that. Sometimes I'm thinking about porn and then I get home

and I watch porn. I'm'm like it's weird weird no but if you were thinking of a specific porn star and you got in and she was having a cup of tea in your kitchen wouldn't you find that weird oh i don't want specific porn stars i want someone's wife that's been fucking you know you like the amateur stuff oh i do a lot what we're doing here, Brian? Yes. I love that. I love it. Bad fucking production quality and a look of regret. I fucking love that. Like, I think I've made a mistake. I love it.

It's so fun. For a long time, I was worried that I was on a Truman Show type thing, and something happened this morning with him, and he's now convinced that he's on the Truman Show, and that means you've been in on it. I always have. I think we've turned our life into the Truman Show. I really want to hear why you think you're on the Truman Show and that means you've been in on it. I always have. I think we've turned our life into the Truman Show. I really want to hear

why you think you're on the Truman Show. I don't think I'm on the Truman Show but he thinks he is. I used to because we'd just be like things would just happen.

Me and Carl for ages when we were on a night out we'd do Kevin Nolan's celebration as a dance. You know Kevin Nolan former Bolton and West Ham player? Oh yeah. Girls love a Kevin Nolan's celebration as a dance. Right. You know Kevin Nolan,

former Bolton and West Ham player? Oh yeah, girls love a Kevin Nolan reference on the dance floor. Do, do, do, do the Kevin Nolan. Right? Is he Scouse? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then one night, we were in.

Is he blue? No. No, he's a Liverpool fan, but one night we were on a night out and there was a bar in Liverpool called Coco. Cheap as fuck it was. It was 25p for a vodka. Bullshit vodka, but still, quad 25p for a vodka, bullshit vodka

but still, quad vod for a quid two quad vods like that for two quid what the fuck, there's a drink that shouldn't be sold in Liverpool fucking quad vod what's a quad vod? so the original quad vod is in Slaters on Slaters Street, so they give you two

glasses, the original two double glasses of vodka and a blue WKD as your mixer. Right. So it's essentially like a five shots of vodka. And how much is that? A fiver. So you get fucked

and then go out and spend nothing. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. You start in there, you spend 15 quid, I've three of them and then you're out for the night then. We had something at uni called a Skittles bomb.

Oh, yeah. Which was just fucking everything at uni called a Skittles bomb oh yeah which was just fucking everything no a Skittle bomb is like Jäger bomb but it's with Quantro instead of Jägermeister you talk a hundred

two bars and there's a lad Quantro and Red Bull no then I don't mean the Skittle bomb I just mean I think it was called Skittles

it was just this is 20 years ago it was before the bomb was invented back in the day we used to walk all the way up to Northumbria Union it was

Friday night was Newcastle Uni, Saturday night was Northumbria, it was a pint of Skittles and they just put every shot in it and then put a bit of lemonade in and I think that was either a fiver or a tenner which in 20 years ago was like a lot of drinking money,

and you were fucked up for the whole night. Yeah. Sorry. Go on. Kevin Nolan. Kevin Nolan. So, Coco's. You're back.

We were in Coco. Monday night Coco. It's me that's all over the show. Go on. In the corner of the room was after Liverpool squad. Dirk Coutt was there. Andy Carroll was there. Of course he fucking was.

Yeah. Well, the reason Kevin Nolan was there Andy Carroll was there of course he fucking was yeah well the reason Kevin Nolan was there was because Kevin Nolan turned up because right Andy Carroll

Andy Carroll was on tag right and he wasn't allowed to be on a night out if Kevin Nolan wasn't present so Kevin Nolan what

that's what the judge said yeah what Kevin Nolan got to do with Andy Carroll? He was like Andy Carroll's... It was like his babysitter. He'd nominated Kevin Nolan as

next of kin. How fucked up is your life? How fucked up is your life when you're a Premier League footballer? You're on a fucking

curfew tag. That's one. And then your next of kin is not your wife or your girlfriend or any member of your family it's a premier league footballer who doesn't even play for the team you fucking play for but this is why we were convinced we're on the suman show because we seen andy carroll over there

and they're counting that and we were like lad imagine if kevin nolan turns up and 10 minutes later kevin nolan walked out the dj went oh look who's just come into the building it's Kevin Nolan and we lost our shit yeah can I just say that's the least cool DJ I've ever heard of just like okay

and this one's still hanging on a minute Kevin Nolan's here what a fucking bell yeah we were doing the Kevin Nolan and Kevin Nolan came in and went

woo did you were they in a VIP area no and they they kite took about five or six girls to the toilet that night like Did you manage Were they in a VIP area No Dirk Kite Talked about five or six girls I'll tell you that that night

Allegedly Unlucky five or six girls Which Liverpool player Do you want to bang About 2009 2010 Not Dirk Kite I fucking tell you that

Are you fucking having a laugh I would suck Dirk Kite's dick Off at Ingers Like a fish What Like a fish with a wig on mate I love that guy tenacious player

great penalty taker a fucking worker if you had to have a gay tryst with a 2000s early noughties early teenies whatever we call in that decade this decade you wouldn't pick Dirk fucking Cowell would you

he was fucking ripped. Titi Kamara. Long, strobly blonde hair. He's ugly as fuck, mate. Titi Kamara, surely? His name's Tit. Titi Kamara. Yeah.

Who would I bang from? Oh, fucking hell. What are you talking about? El Nino? I know mine. Little Fernando Torres, talking about strobly blonde hair. Yeah, boy.

Torres was gorgeous. Talking about El Nino. I know mine. Little Fernando Torres. Talking about Strobe the Bonaire. Oh, it's like when... Torres was... Oh, it was gorgeous. The fantasy... It's the same reason you watch amateur porn. It's because the fantasy of Fernando Torres is out of reach, whereas Dirk Coutt seems like gettable.

I honestly... I'm going to say this right now. I don't think on a night out 10 years ago, and I looked good back then, I could fuck Fernando Torres, but Dirk Coutt is so ugly, I think he'd fuck me. He's not ugly, is he? He is.

Yes. No. Joe Miners, if you're going for that. Yeah, he's handsome. If we're going for footballers. Mate, if he played for Everton, you would honestly think he'd fucking tripped up out of, like, the Chernobyl.

Nah, he's a big game player, and that's attractive. I'm not necessarily attracted to his physical features, it's his aura. I can't go further with this story now I feel like I'm in the Truman Show are you basically saying the bigger game player

you are the more you'd fuck him yeah Drogba is fit right you wouldn't want to bang Drogba

you'd come out of that badly right he's a big lad isn't he did you I'd pick Benito Carboni I'd go for Benito Carboni

that little Italian rent boy what when his Bradford days or Sheffield Wednesday Sheffield days mate I reckon Paolo de fucking

Canio Paolo de fucking Canio mate if he's like come on Dan we're going to do fucking bicycle kicks

and beak I'd love it what a great night that fucking volleys he's a fascist as well isn't he what

Paolo De Canio's a fascist I think Lazio fan is a better description let's be honest innit they're all fucking you know

ultras is a nice way of saying fucking Mussolini fans. Oh yeah, they're in the Curva suit. Anyway, the point is... That's the family standing, lads here like... The point is, we've seen Tinhead from Brookside an hour ago.

No, let me tell a story. So, I've just fucking dropped a bomb there. You need the fucking pretext. It's me being mental in it. I'm so sorry. I'm in it. I'm so sorry. I'm fucking hyped. I'm loving it. Go on.

Last night I got it. I was doing some work yesterday. Went home. And someone mentioned Jimmy Corkill on Twitter. Right. I was like, I haven't watched Brookside for years. So I went on YouTube. Oh, shit.

And went down a Brookside hole. Just watching. I just watched. It's one of the shittest holes on fucking YouTube. Oh, mate. It's a nightmare. I was in a Brookside hole Just watching I just watched It's one of the shittest holes On fucking YouTube Oh mate It's a nightmare I was in a Brookside hole

It's great Because you see all the old shit That you've never seen Yeah Oh my god Remember him Remember him Face as being K

It's on British TV Yeah So I watched about two hours Of Brookie on my phone Did you ever hang to it We were about five Yeah Answer the fucking question

So I'm in this brookie hall don't know nothing and then we went to Tesco we fought and Tinhead was just stood in front of me

Tinhead from Brookside was just there now you tell me that we're not being monitored it done me fucking heading it did my heading

you honestly think there's a there is a global pandemic killing fucking millions the economy's gone to shit and you're like i think we're being watched because some come from fucking brookie was in a liverpool supermarket explain it brookside that was filmed in Liverpool, and now a cast member who was from and lives in Liverpool was in a fucking supermarket with us in Liverpool.

I mean, it's coincidence, but I don't think it's, you know... It's more than coincidence. When was the last time you watched Brookie? No, probably the lesbian kiss. Right. He watched it last night. Is it Anna Friel? And then they've just sent Tinhead in onto set.

Fucking nonsense. You're, see, there's conspiracy theorists and then there's normal people like me and then there's fucking idiots like you on the other side. Yeah. You're the normal, you're in the middle. What did you used to watch, Dan? What's like the 60s soaps?

Dixon of Doc Green. Imagine you watched that on YouTube and then he just knocked on your door yeah he's been dead a while I would imagine I get what you mean it's Freaky Friday innit when was the first incident oh it happens all the time

yeah when was it coming every nine years one of these weird things happen I don't know how you can ignore it anymore have you ever thought like, thought of... Fucking mental, innit? Have you ever, like, thought of a friend you haven't seen for ages? They play the long game, Tom.

Well, what about if we do it every five years, lads? These are taking... They're not taking that long to set up. Oh, wait, nine. Yeah, but I want to go again. I want to freak Adam and Dan out, you know, because they're the focus of this fucking 1984 style show when are we doing it again 2029

come on Phil you know the plan you know the schedule how do you explain it have you never thought of a friend and then the next day you're seeing them in the bus stop or something yeah yeah it's specious reasoning in it but I like it I think it's the Truman Show with Brookside involved it's basically

you're finding the evidence and then tracking backwards. But I love it. Your argument is that that's not happening. Like, if there's an Illuminati, they're already too busy with the pandemic and that. Or, if there's an Illuminati and they're sending Tinhead in to fuck with us, then there's no pandemic, is there?

I still don't know anyone who's died from it. So, maybe that's... So no one's dead. Okay. That's a fucking... That's Tinhead. All I know is no one's dead okay that's a fucking that's tin head all i know is no one i know is died and tin head was

in west derby village and that's all i know are you trying to tell me this tory government would lie to us the tory government actors before we go on to

then shower of cunts um i'd love the the idea of the illuminati whoever's running the illuminati like ring a former cast member from I love the idea of the Illuminati. Whoever's running the Illuminati, like, ring a former cast member from Brookside. I'd love that.

But what you're forgetting is... Yeah, tinhead on fucking speed dial. If, right, well, he's not doing anything else these days, is he? If. Just doing a bit of cash in hand for the Illuminati. He's not doing nothing else. He used to be a patron at Decadence but, you know, cash in hand now for the Illumes.

If we're right and we're on some sort of Truman Show type thing I'm disappointed at the download numbers we're the focus on the Truman Show and we're like we're doing great numbers

on YouTube and download books how do we know that you're not in on it yeah yeah it's true and if there is a Truman type show

then Boris Johnson's not even real he's just a fucking actor oh honestly if that's the case I can't wait for the curtain call because I He's just a fucking actor. Oh. Honestly. If that's the case I can't wait for the curtain call because I'm giving them

a fucking round of applause when Boris is like actually I'm a trained actor. I'll be like brilliant mate because you played a cunt so fucking well.

What's he doing? He's doing repeat farts. No I'm not farting. He's clutching his arse. Sort of. My undies are up my arse. Okay. Do you want to go and

do you want to rearrange them or something? You alright? Done. Oh, nice. Wow, that last one. You know, people can make their peck dance.

I can do it with my arsehole. I honestly would love the CCTV of you in Coco's circa 2011 when Kevin Nolan came in and just watching you two fucking lids get really excited. Like, ah! Kevin fucking Nolan!

We lost our meet. I was about to tell that story. We lost our meet in there once. So we went on a night out to Coco. This was a different night, right? So we would start in there. Is it Bar or Club? It was a club.

So we'd start in there. Me, Carl, and one of our mates from school Steve And we went in And we got a jug each With 16 shots of vodka in Like it was 21% vodka In like vodka

It was a bit shit But still 16 shots of it in a jug And we got one each I know you are You get fucked up That's Tenerife vodka isn't it Yeah yeah yeah Smirnoff on the shelf

Dog shit under the counter Exactly Well actually Smife vodka, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Smirnoff on the shelf, dog shit under the counter. Exactly. Well, actually, Smirnoff isn't actually vodka. It's a schnapps. It's 37.5%, whereas vodka's 40%. Shut up, you big drink-snots. Just saying. I think it's a schnapps.

Smirnoff is a schnapps. It is, yeah. So we went on a nice house, right, with our mate Steve. Steve. There's a lot of Steves in Liverpool. Shout out to the 27 Steves listening right now. So we had a jug each, Steve there's a lot of Steve's in Liverpool shout out to the 27 Steve's listening right now so we had

a jug each and there's a there's two photos from this night the first one is all three of us right in Coco

at like nine o'clock at night on a key ring yeah on a key ring right and then we don't really know

what happened because obviously we're all hammered we've all had 16 shots of vodka it's like having eight shots of vodka in it because it's half the percentage.

Yeah, it's still a fucking lot, isn't it? Within the space of like half an hour. And then we didn't stop drinking after that. We carried on. We were out till about six in the morning, but from 10, 10.30, we'd lost Stee. Like, Stee just went missing. Yeah, man down, AWOL.

We didn't see him again all night at all we spoke to him the next day and he's like lad i don't know what happened i lost years i've checked my bank i took 30 quid out the cash point six times at different intervals so he took 180 quid he brought money out with him as well we used to take about 100 quid each out on these nights out so he must have been robbed he someone's took him to a cash he was hammered but there was two key rings from that night

the first one is in Coco me Carl and Steve the second one is from Envy from about half four in the morning and it's me and Carl like this

I'll have I've got it I'll try you'll have to slide it in here it's me and Carl like this at half four in the morning and in the background

is Steve that's fucking You'll have to slide it in here. It's me and Karl like this at half four in the morning. And in the background is Stee. That's fucking... Now that... That makes me think there's an Illuminati running the key ring game in Liverpool. He's just haunting the picture. Oh, that's so fucking weird. Could you imagine if Stee had never been found and he was like, there a missing Person's out for him

That's what he'd do And you literally Had to give your Pissed up key ring From Envy at 4am As evidence Like Have you got any

Have you got any pictures Of Steve Yeah Yeah I've got this one Didn't you send me that I did yeah Amazing

Go on our conversation And send me it again And I'll show him it now But yeah So he's just floating In the background So you missed each other for six hours, but you were basically in and around each other.

Yeah, but on this picture, I'm pretty sure he knows we're there, but we just don't know he's there. So it's like he's got so hammered, lost us, and then followed us and haunted the evening. Can I say that's a massive difference between boozy club nights out and drug club nights out because you're still off your head but when it's booze you're sort of happy oblivious and you're lost you can't really remember anything when you're on like pills and you're dancing and you're off your head on ecstasy

you still get lost but you're hyper aware that you're lost you're constantly trying to find your mates and you remember every fucking minute of it so you could lose your mates for five hours and do the fucking Steven Envy bit but by then

you've literally made 430 friends around the club like yeah amazing we'll never forget each other I wish I could show the viewers it's such a different

style of night out it's the history of our pictures in text I fucking really glad you can't I just sent now yeah Yeah the uppy brightness he's just on the right Are we going to pop this on the video

So there's me and Carl in Envy That's Steve That's so weird That's so weird Can I just say Adam you don't look that different Karl You look like the boy in the striped pyjamas

I'm not joking Check the fucking YouTube If you only listen on audio We'll retweet this with today's episode Karl you look like such a nice young Jewish boy Don't I You look like a young Woody Allen. Do you not think I look different?

Everyone says I look so different now. You look exactly the same. Really? I mean, you don't look that different. Your hair's not like... You don't look that different. You went through a period of looking worse than that, but you've come back round.

Take the compliment. I wish I looked like I did at 20. Look at the state of that shirt, though. Oh, the old fucking white shirt What could go wrong? Carl's got a cardigan on I look fucking sexy as well The fucking luminati

Steve's just haunting the picture It's just weird You wiped your arse with that shirt I did yeah Guys You did He wiped his bottom with that shirt What?

So It must have been that nice as well look there's no comedy and you just went so that night couldn't get it out the next day had to throw it away

my dad woke me up and was like you're a disgrace last night I had shit all over the bathroom oh no I've heard about this on a previous episode

this is different oh of course and I sliced up corned beef and hid it all around the house. And I got a tin of corned beef. I opened it. I'd put pillows in the back garden.

And for like a week, we just kept firing slices of corned beef. I'd gone around the house. I'd sliced up a tin of corned beef. And I'd just put the slices in different rooms in the house, drunk. And I don't know why. Yeah, tell them a story about the shirt. Oh, yeah, I had I shit all over the bathroom And then there was no toilet roll

So I wiped my ass with my shirt Lovely Can someone put that on a poster I think we've got a new bit of merch I'll slide that picture in Why would you have that picture Carl I know you're best mates But that's a picture you might want to delete mate

How many pictures I've got of him on the toilet He's got so many pictures of me having a poo there's one in Edinburgh and I've got no pants on like they're not

around my ankles I've got no pants on I've just got this weird tie dye blue shirt on and he booted the bathroom door

on a plop with no trousers and no underpants on it he booted the bathroom door open and then stepped back to take a photo

and I'm just hammered down. He's got so many photos of me. You know how there's a mutual hatred here? I love him. Proper bromance brother shit. Genuinely. It is quite sibling-esque, you two. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We've spent so... I've spent more time with him over the past decade than I have with our Jack, definitely. Yeah. It's just, you know. It shows sometimes. You snap at each other more than I'm like, I'm like, ooh, is everyone all right? You're like, yeah, of course we are, you fucking nuts.

Do you know what was really funny? There's a lad called Tom Evans who's recently left Hot Water. He's working on the bar. And I think, like, he listens to this as well. I think Tom would have loved to have worked here

at some point, right? I think he wanted to sort of, like, he listened to the pod and he was like, I'd love to be, like, your Jamie. I think he messaged me

that at one point, you know, like, Rogan's Jamie. And he made a comment when we first hired Carly. He was like, oh yeah, you're old mates,

but you know, what are you going to do when you have your first spot? And I was like, well, I have to be, I have to go back four days. Because we've hated...

Like, when we play footy together, how many times have we nearly had an actual fight of footy? 10, 15. And then the second that the match is over, we just walk home and get the next hand.

You leave it on the pitch. Are you like this with loads of other people? No. No, I've got... You're the common denominator here, Rad. I've got close to... You're the Radge one. I can't be the common denominator here, Adam. You're the Raj one. I can't be the common denominator.

There's only one fraction. I've got close friendships with other people. But, like, the shit that I do with Adam, if I did with other people, it'd be like, whoa. Yes, yeah, that's true. Whereas I can call his nan a slag and he doesn't even notice. Let's not start that again. That fucking bent his head, didn't it? I am still in in shock about that that you'd even talk about by the way

shout out to saz and steve green who are fans of comedy in general they come to every tour show i ever do in the northeast they literally came last year i did two northeast previews of my tour show they came to both and i did a tour show in stockton on t's and another tour show. They came to both. And I did a tour show in Stockton on Tees and another tour show in South Shields and they were at them. So they've seen my last tour show four times

and they also see me at Comedy Club appearances and they're big supporters of the podcast. They're Patreons. I love them. They sent me and Dan a message on Facebook

and they did the maths and figured out how many miles of cock Dan's nan... No! No, we're not doing it! I'll do the normally time. No!

How many miles? Unbelievable. She was an angel. We're not doing it. If you can hear me... I don't need your bullshit maths. No, look, right, so... Much respect to...

Just watching the latest podcast. If Dan's nan had 76 years of bouncing on the pink pogo and then you multiplied every bounce by the length of grandad's knob, how many miles of cock would she have? That's a fucking superstar. Would she be a low mileage or would she be a banger? There's a question that won't be on next year's GCSE paper. We've done the maths.

We reckon it's about 190 miles of six-inch cock because that's six-inch cock times 500 thrusts per session. Take the conservative average of one session a week plus an ass session on Grandad's birthday for 72 years. That comes to 12,084,000 inches, which is just over 190 miles. Can he go in for an angel?

Ooh! 190 miles of pink pogo from Nana Nightingale. 190 miles of pink pogo from Nana Nightingale fuck's sake where's 190 miles away where they live

ironically in the north east 190 miles is like the midlands innit so someone could show no you fucking Berlin I was at London doesn't matter

your nan got bummed all the way to London not as much as yours yours was a proper slag yeah she was it genuinely hurts I'm done with it I hate it

for both of them but anyway yeah Tinhead from Brookie was in West Abbey Village yeah I can't do it can't do what? I can't have it

can't what? 190 miles of disrespect that was I didn't say it it's the't do what? I can't have it. You can't what? 190 miles of disrespect, that was. I didn't say it. It's the listeners. I wish this was the fucking Truman Show. I need an edit. What's he eating? He's got a chocolate yoghurt.

You've got a chocolate mousse? No, it's a Derry McButton's ad yoghurt. Your nan's a chocolate mousse. She was black, so that's really... Was she? Yeah. Fuck off. Really offensive. Why have you not got any of it in you? she was black so that's what is she yeah fuck off really offensive

oh well why have you not got any of it in you she talking all oh good fucking god why not your great grandma you haven't thought about her

yeah she was a right trollop. Love the fork on dick meat, but her daughter was an angel. Can we just give some shouts out to Andy Burnham, please, for being a fucking Northern Ledge? Andy Burnham, he looks as well. He looks like... He looks like your dad. What's the guy in The Dark Knight?

Batman? No. Oh. The one who Jim Gordon gets his job is the mayor. Yeah, the mayor, yeah. Yeah, he looks like him, doesn't he? A little bit. He's black.

No. No. No, I know who you mean. You know who I mean? He looks a bit like... Oh. It's not really the most important thing going at the moment, though, is it? Who Andy Burnham looks like.

I've got... Like, I've been a fan of Andy Burnham for a while. The thing that, like, sort of... What I love about the video that he put out last night, we'll get onto that in a minute, but a few years ago, one of the big Hillsborough anniversaries, he was there to give a speech

on behalf of the government, essentially on behalf of Parliament. And he said something along the lines of, you know, the 96 people will never be forgotten. And there was just one voice. And I love when just one person can, one person's action can make such a big difference.

One voice just said said we want justice i don't care we'll obviously remember them we want justice and the crowd erupts and then there's 12 000 people on the car or whatever it holds and 12 000 people are shouting and singing justice for the 96 and you can just see the emotion in his face he's being hit by this wall of passion noise and defiance and he can't really handle it and then he tries to carry on with his speech but he can't and then you just see him look up at this crowd and he just goes okay and it was that moment that led him to go back to parliament to go look that we need just given these speeches is not enough.

We need to have another inquiry. And that's when, you know, unfortunately the court cases didn't go the way that the 96 families, the 96's families wanted it to. But it got another level of inquiry from the government. And Andy Burnham did that because of what he felt that day. And if you watch the video, just search Andy Burnham Hillsborough on YouTube. It's quite a powerful and special moment. And I love stuff like that.

There's another one that I always think about. When there was the terrorist attack in Manchester and they had like a vigil in the city centre and just one person started singing Don't Look Back in Anger by Oasis. Just one person. And then the whole crowd started singing it, and then that became sort of the official song of that.

And although, obviously, there's a meaning to that song away from the Manchester attacks, that Don't Look Back in Anger, just that lyric alone, is such a powerful sort of message about terrorism. If you're not a patron of this podcast, if you'd like to be, obviously, you've seen all the adverts, sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod.

The last patron episode, and I won't go into any more details than this, we actually spoke about terrorism quite a lot and sort of how people interpret it. That don't look back in anger thing is so powerful because it's, you know, don't let this fuel hate of an entire population of people and an entire demographic of people. And I really like that. But Andy Burnham last night, that speech, I put it on Twitter.

He doesn't sound like a politician. He sounds like a pissed off man. He sounds like a resident of the region that's being talked about. Yeah. Just talking in a, like, being honest about how scared he is and how frustrated he is and how he feels like it's unjust. He's not doing the, I'm trying to get re-elected. I'm trying to get a higher position in i'm trying to get a higher higher position in

government he looks like a pissed off resident of manchester talking about the injustice that is is being handed down to this whole region i fucking loved it it's fantastic it's so defiant and honest like we mentioned it a couple of weeks ago what i hate more than anything about politicians is the way they speak and the way they answer questions and the way they talk to journalists. It's all so pre-prepared and it's designed to dodge questions and colleges like fucking Eaton train them to do it. That's why they all end up as politicians because they go into interviews with like, this is what I'm going to say. And if their brief is to talk about the fucking colour of their shoes it doesn't matter what they get asked their whole training is no i'll just get it back to talking about my shoes so they're like oh what you think about the fact

the leisure center's closed well that's all very important but you know at the moment what we're focusing on is the fact that i have orange shoes on and that that's all that matters i can't be wearing any blue ones and that's all i'm here to talk about today. Imagine if a Tory MP actually went mental enough to be like, I'm wearing orange shoes. I reckon we're about six weeks away from that fucking happening. Yeah. But, Ben, that speech last night. I know these are important questions.

But have you seen this? He's amazing, these Tory MPs. What? My thumb. Can you imagine going to a job interview and answering questions the way a Tory politician does? So what will you bring to the role? Well, you know, my dad is a very important man and I really like Jaffa Cakes.

Yeah, but what are you going to bring to the role? Well, the thing is with Jaffa Cakes, are they a cake or are they a biscuit? And that is the question that we're going to be looking into over the next few weeks what do you think why do you think we should employ you the question isn't

why should you employ me the question is more about education and also the chances we're giving young children and the opportunities nothing's being answered it's all just

fucking fluff and decoy but Burnham last night just looked like he just he's at the end of his tether and he's done and the fact that the government are communicating with journalists before they are local leaders and he's done. And the fact that the government's communicating with journalists before

they are local leaders and he's just done with it. It's, so what's happening in the other regions? Manchester has defiantly said we're not going into tier three because you're not offering any financial support. You don't know that this is going to work. You're keeping schools and this is the same thing we said a week ago. Don't fucking shut businesses because you don't even

know the science behind the shutting businesses. So what's happening in the other regions, where they're like, yeah, what else can we do? Liverpool's led by an absolute fucking gobshite in Joe Anderson. He's a figure of ridicule in Liverpool, Joe Anderson. He's known as Chippy Tits. It can't be easy being the mayor of Liverpool, because scouts, they're going to come up with nicknames, aren't they?

Do you know he rang the police because of a transfer? Chippy Tits is full on, isn't it? He's fat. It's Chippy Tits. There's a picture that someone photoshopped where he's at his desk on the phone and someone's head's the big chippy in. It's fucking brilliant.

But you know Ross Barkley, when he moved to Chelsea, he was meant to be going in the summer for 40 million and then he didn't get sold and he got sold in January for £15 million. So Everton lost out on £25 million. He rang the police. The mayor of Liverpool rang the police to grass on Chelsea Football Club

for swindling Everton out of £25 million. Mate, how to make yourself look like a fucking arna. Mayor Anderson, do you want to definitely make this call? Yes, I do. I'm ringing the fire brigade because I just saw Mo Salah burn Leighton Baines. Like, oh my God, what are you doing? But he's rolled over and he's also,

he's a fucking moron. So there's a big thing going on in Liverpool at the minute. And if, so basically a lot of the independent gyms have been told they've got to shut, but there's so many loopholes and ambiguities, so a lot of them are being quite defiant and saying we're not shutting we'll take the fines, we'll there's literally gym owners

going we're not shutting, send the police, give us the fine and we'll deal with it when it comes around there's a load of busies who turned up with fucking guns to a gym armed police officers turned up to a fucking gym in the... Is it on the Wirral? The Wirral and a couple in Liverpool as well. Literally.

And the guy was like, we can't shut... I'm going to let them finish the workout. But someone tweeted Joe Anderson and was like, why are the gyms shut? This is important for people's physical and mental health. If people are mentally and physically healthier, they've got a better chance of surviving the virus anyway. And there's hardly any COVID cases linked back to gyms. It's just...

What did he say? He said, oh, well, it's nothing to do with us. We'd love to keep the gyms open, but we've been told by central government we can't. And then someone screenshots it, the government's actual website, and it says, in tier three, pubs have to close, bars have to close,

but things like gyms are down to local authorities and it's their decision. So, like, like well what's this and then he just never applied to that so they don't even know the rules and guidelines

and they're in foot it's just a big fat shit house sending armed police to a fucking gym I'm still playing footy so I play footy where there's a gym I play footy on their pitch

and I'm allowed because it's amateur sport outdoors. Yeah, just don't get shot. Contact sport. Don't get shot. All right. It's fucking insane. I would.

Hot Water Comedy Club, by the way. I'd be on TV like... This Thursday, at Hot Water Comedy Club. So, I don't know exactly what... Thursday the 22nd of October, me, Paul Smith and Freddie Quinn are doing a show at Hot Water Comedy Club

and it's essentially a fundraiser I think you can book tickets online there'll also be donations on the night, none of the comedians are getting paid and all the money is going to some local Liverpool gyms to cover the fines that they're getting because the fact that they've got a short when the Odeon can stay open

and like all the pubs are allowed to stay open as long as they're selling food, but you can't go and lift some weights. I've said a million times on this fucking podcast now, I don't know what the best thing to do is. I really don't, but I'm just, I'm not willing to just stand by

while independent Liverpool built businesses are fucking sold down to Swanee while fucking every rule means that Wetherspoons can stay open because he's fucking Boris Johnson that fucking Tim Cunt is Boris Johnson's boy

it's not happening so what Wetherspoons are open yeah they serve food it's such a coincidence isn't it every pub can stay open as long as they do restaurant

every pub needs to get their Auntie Linda in to make cheese toasties 24-7 I don't want to make any more cheese toasties you fucking are Auntie, Auntie Linda.

Do you know how batshit the rules are? The other day, there's a... Coco, Coco Bar, Kevin Nolan, and cheese toasties available all night. There's a shop in Liverpool. It's a streetwear brand called Lost Art. Shout out, shout out Lost Art. Lost Art, they're fucking brilliant.

And Carl wears a lot of their stuff. I've got a couple of things now as well. But their shop is located above a restaurant slash pub. So, and you get access to it by going into the restaurant slash pub and there's a little doorway and then you can go upstairs. It's a bit secret. It's dead cool. We went in the other day and there was a sign on Lost Arts Door

saying we'll be back in 15 minutes because they'd just gone to get some lunch or something. So we're sat in the restaurant and we're like, it could be 15 minutes, half an hour here. So Carl went lunch or something. So we're sat in the restaurant, and we're like, could be 15 minutes, half an hour here. So Carl went, do you want a drink?

I went, yeah, give us a Coke. And the girl went, I'm really sorry, we can't serve you a Coke, unless you get a main meal. You have to buy a main meal, or we can't give you a drink.

And we went, so what do we do? She went, you can just sit there and wait for it to open, but we can't actually sell you a drink. So under the current rules, You can sit in a restaurant And you can't You don't have to leave

You can wait for this fucking shop to open I'm not having to go to the shop at all here by the way This is all an attack on government policy Can't just sell drinks Can't have a glass of coke Because what would you do? You'd sit there and drink the coke And that would be dangerous wouldn't it? So just sit and don't drink the Coke.

It's fucking insane. It's like the in-betweeners. We'll have three pints, please. This virus isn't going anywhere. And if you keep everyone's workplaces open and you let people move around and go to people's houses and people go into school, kids go into school, which, right or wrong, this virus is going to spread.

Why are you absolutely putting every other business in a fucking chokehold? It's mad, isn't it? Are we going to do a gig that, like, I don't want to do a gig where we're getting a 10-ground fine, we're having armed police turn up, but we can keep the arts going by finding a venue. We can do Papa Wants Some Charcoal,

but not in a fucking paint factory where they might get absolutely twatted like you don't know if they've got a landlord that's going to get involved we've had about 500 emails and messages from people who want to come to an illegal gig um now uh we don't want to get a venue in trouble because like i i've said to you and said to carl i'm quite happy to be handed a 10 grand fine and I'll fucking wipe my ass with it. I'll take it to court. Oh, that's the shirt and the 10 grand fine.

Will you have a picture of that as well? But I genuinely would because I think it is the right thing to do. But what I don't want is to do a gig in a fucking paint factory and them to be handed a 10 grand fine. I don't want to get someone else in trouble. I'm happy to shoulder the responsibility because I don't think these fines can be enforced personally from what i've looked into but again it's minimal but it's also just unnecessary in it when we can we can find an

entertainment venue and put on some comedy yeah like i mean maybe down the line there's a there's a level of restrictions that you start fucking really ignoring it but the if you're thinking where is this gig we've got something cooking we have and if you've sent us a pop on some charcoal email and if you don't know what that means you have to go and listen to the last episode we will be in touch with you soon

we've got something in the oven and we're working on something and you're going to really like it but we want to protect other people more than protect ourselves we're going to get Auntie Linda in to make some cheese toasties we're going to really like it but we want to we want to protect other people more than protect ourselves we're going to get Auntie Linda in to make some

cheese toasties we're going to get Coco opened and we're going to do a gig in Coco we'll get Kevin Nolan fuck Shaggy

we're going to get Kevin Nolan as the headliner I think he'd be quite good a Jaffa cake is a cake because it goes hard

and it goes stale a Jaffa cake's a biscuit because I said it's a biscuit and it's on the biscuit island Tesco shut your mouth no because biscuits go soft when they go stale. A jaffa cake's a biscuit because I said it's a biscuit and it's on the biscuit island Tesco. Shut your mouth! No, because biscuits

go soft when they go stale, cakes go hard. Stop being right. Just believe something blindly and then argue with people about it. It's the Scouse way! I'm right though. I don't care. I don't care what's right. I want to believe what I want to believe.

You think it's a biscuit? It is a biscuit. It's not? It is. It's not made of biscuit, but it belongs with biscuits. You keep it with your biscuits. Yeah, but what do you call a balm or a bap? It's got different names in different places. Oh, you fucking biscuit nonsense. You keep it in a cupboard? Jaffa Cakes?

Yeah. Yeah? You keep cakes in the fridge and you keep Jaffa Cakes in the cupboard? Ah! Be honest. How long have you kept Jaffa cakes anywhere once the packet's open? Oh, you can't open a packet and put it back. You're a fucking hoover.

Jaffa cakes. That advert where they did, Full moon, half moon, totally clips. Where was she from? Wales. Hello? I like advert. Jaffa cake advert.

I wonder what they went for with that why they went with like a Lithuanian sounding one half moon half moon total eclipse that is a fucking

banging advert that BNBN do do remember BNBN BNBN do do do do BNBN do do do do

oh we're done 40 let's have a break let's speak to one of our fucking financial overlords and then we'll be back. Today's podcast is sponsored by SupremeCBD.UK. Go and check them out. They're one of the biggest and most trusted sellers

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that company name one more time SupremeCBD.UK WUDUP Don't be a Tory down your turbo shandy and tell a friend this is Havawad It's amazing how you can suck right on my dick without sucking my dick you can light up my dick suckers in me I can never be free

When you suck I want to give a shout out to my brother-in-law Who turned 40 last week Shout out to Fraser who is 40 And I didn't get him a present And I What are you doing? Since when do we do He's my brother I didn't get him a present. And I... How you doing? Since when do we do... He's my brother-in-law and he said I'd like a shout-out.

Is this a shit nightclub now? It's Fraser's 40th and we need to give a shout-out to him and all the girls. Yeah. Yeah. It is. Happy birthday to anyone who's had a birthday this year, don't they? Shout-out to Kevin Nolan as well

Kevin Nolan just came in the podcast 40 years old mate my school year 40 in March fuck it now it's a big one now can I have a shout out

from the podcast when I'm 40 is that alright no it's non-science I can't believe you did that what can we do for you I just really wanted to

talk about my 40th really it was almost like I planned to talk about my 40th really it was almost like I planned to talk about my 40th and then you shat on my fucking 40th well I'll fucking

continue to do that get on board with the podcast can we go to Amsterdam together and get the fucking damn lot socially distanced

don't touch me yeah because the plan was America wasn't it we were going to go and vlog I'm still going

America yeah do you think you're going to actually get to go though later later 2021

maybe November Florida three games in Florida three three football games high school

Friday why Florida when you're a Saints fan what why are you going to Florida if you're a

Saints fan because there's flights to Orlando and there is a massive high school football scene in Florida and there's loads of unis and there's three NFL teams. I'm just making it easy

on myself. Might get an internal flight over to Louisiana to try and get a Saints game but I just want to see an NFL game live. What if? What if America's the shit show that it already is game live. What if? Yeah. Like what if America's the shit show that it already is but worse? What if Trump wins again

and he just turns it into fucking the Hunger Games or whatever and you can't go? Sounds right, yeah. What are we going to do for your 40th? Because we've got to do something. Amsterdam. What's the league table of priority for my 40th? Because I'm going big. I've got a child coming

so that does get in the way a little bit Laura I love you but if you can hear me uh estates for a fucking NFL

college football like a ball that's what I want that's my dream if it's absolutely Hunger Games Trump based shit show and there's fucking

COVID everywhere lad the fucking heartache's up your ass then the next one the asterisk yeah Absolutely Hunger Games, Trump-based shit show, and there's fucking COVID everywhere, lad. The fucking heartaches up your ass. Then the next one's... The Astrid. Yeah, the next one's Amsterdam, is it? It's got to be the dam, isn't it? The dam. But then Brexit goes nasty.

Morecambe. Morecambe. That's a big drop, innit? Florida, Amsterdam. Fucking Morecambe. What are you going to do? Do the BNFL tour? What? The BNFL? The fucking nuclear power plant near Morecambe. What are you going to do? Do the BNFL tour? What?

BNFL? The fucking nuclear power plant near Morecambe. Run in Runcorn? We'll stay here. We'll just do a pod. What? Where's the third option?

Is it not abroad? Is it in? Prestatum. Puntins in Prestatum. I think Amsterdam is easier to get to than North Wales right now. The Welsh take fucking COVID seriously. Don't you even come down near the fucking border.

It's closed. What are you trying to do? Come and sit on a fucking beach, you prick. Can you not get into Wales? Wales is fucking... It's the Gotham day. Like in the Dark Knight Rises. They just blew all the bridges up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah? Even though it's landlocked. The First Minister's going around... Welcome! Take control. Wales is landlocked. Take control of your city.

Yeah. Will you go to Dublin? Welsh, Welsh Bane. You think I can't do Welsh Bane. You think Cardiff is your ally. You merely adopted Swansea.

I was born in Swansea. Moulded by it. Welsh pain. It's so fucking funny. What movies would be improved with an entirely Welsh cast? But like, Goodfellas? What I'm funny, funny to you, funny how? From rags to riches.

Funny like a clown? Like I amuse you? No, but you know. No, he said it. You said it. Funny how? You're funny. Funny how?

Like a clown? Like I amuse you? David, you're a funny guy. No. Well, tell me how. Why am I fucking funny? You come down the pub and you're a right old laugh, innit? No, you said it.

How am I funny? Funny how? Like a clown? Like I amuse you? He's fucking with me, right? Oh. He's got to be fucking with me. Like a clown.

Oh. You look like Joe Pesci. What else? Jurassic Park.esci. What else? Jurassic Park. Jurassic Park. Welsh Jurassic Park. Jurassic Park. Flintshire.

Chicken Run. Bloody hell, there's fucking dinosaurs everywhere. Devil's Advocate. Al Pacino as well. Is any excuse to shout his fucking Pacino lines he gives man instincts and then what does he do he sets the rules

in opposition look but don't touch look he's so happy I love it when he's happy but don't taste taste

don't swallow oh oh and while you're jumping from one box to the next Pulp Fiction But don't taste. Taste. Don't swallow. Oh. Oh. And while you're jumping from one box in the next. Pulp fiction. Ezekiel 25, 17. Does he look like a bitch? The path of a righteous man is beset on all sides

by the inequities of the weak and the tyrannies of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness. Valleys. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will smite down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is Gwyneth.

Mate, that was fucking... That was one of my favourite bits of the pod for fucking ages. Well done, everyone. Shawshank? Yeah. I knew from the moment Andy walked in

that he was fucked. Can I just say, know when the fucking bit's done. I've played the applause you're bell with. Lids. This is from Davina. No!

Shut the fuck up! Dickheads. Know when a joke's fucking finished. But he's not the child that I was. I am! Scott Bennett adding tag and tag and tag and tag. It's the slow knife

that turns Irish. Alright. Turns Irish. It's the slow knife that turns Irish. All right. Turns Irish. All right. Where's the fucking film set now, Adam? There's not much difference between Bristol and Cardiff, though. You're a bellend. Lids, make have a word of religion because we already...

This is from Davina. Love Davina. How? She's not dead. I'm doing the rest of the episode in welsh you think you are may i have a word of religion because we already know it's a belief system and a way of life also this will fit in nicely with tier three allowing places of worship to stay open oh you want to dodge the fucking rowan rules i don't i want to

just take them head on yeah i know You always say this And then head on Goes three weeks down the line You're like Yeah maybe we won't close down a paint shop What You're fingering me wire What do you mean See the wire you're fingering

Oh yeah I'll cap cut and out That's a fucking weird little tech thing isn't it You're fingering It's very strange Well noticed That was the Well noticed That was the most intense You've ever been on the microphone for ages.

Like, you're fingering my wire. People love your voice. You're getting a lot of chat about that. Training day. Will you do? Adam, focus, mate. We literally had a little meeting before the podcast about keep it on the fucking rails just for like four minutes every pod.

King Kong. No. Training day. King Kong didn No. Turn it down. King Kong didn't got shit on me. I'll do a little dictionary corner if people want, like me just talking. Yeah, if they make little requests. I think you could do late night scouts like pillow talk in Merseyside. Happily.

You bitches will be playing basketball on Cardiff Bay when I get through with you. The joke is dead. Show programme. Dead. 23-hour lockdown. Tier 3 lockdown. You're doing a different pod, I suppose, right now. He's gone, hasn't he?

Yeah. That sandwich hasn't helped. Can we register as a religion? Can we register as a religion? Oh, I'm well off for that. Who's the god? Who's the deity? Who's the what?

Who's our god? The's the deity? Who's the what? Who's our god? The Lyd culture. Lenny Bruce. It's a combined thing. I'm first minister. Lenny Bruce is god. Joan Collins is Jesus. Richard Pryor.

How is this? Macho man Randy Savage. Macho man Randy Savage. He is the pope. It's fuck less kids. Are you 100% sure about that? Were the Pope shag kids or did he just cover up for the shagging? He just covered up.

Oh, you're back. There you go. He was a shagger. Yeah. He didn't start as the Pope he made his way up didn't he it's mad that that was like a big rumour for ages and it turned out to be true innit

yeah could we just keep it on the fucking tracks for three seconds fuck sake it is on the tracks you're talking about religion yeah

kind of so a side step from that is non-sory no he didn't it's just there's just been sort of systematic cover ups Yeah, kind of. So a side step from that is... Non-city? No, he didn't. It's just there's been sort of systematic cover-ups. What, I'll be the church if I have a word? Do you know what, though?

Said it before. I think we said, mate, churches make great venues. Like, where do we want to go next? We turn this into a religion, fuck the podcast, then because we're a religion, do we have to pay tax? I don't think so. Nope. I think we're virtually like charity level.

Then, say we progress past the Heath Business Park in Runcorn. WA74QX if you want to send stuff in. We're based in the science centre. Scientology. Scientology. Scientology. Yeah, it's the science. There's a T in there.

Yeah, we've changed it. No, not our one. But how good would it be? New religion. New religion. The church is struggling. There might be like a building up for sale or stuff. Why are they struggling?

No, because if they're struggling, how are we going to... Can we get a synagogue instead? Christianity is... No. You won't be able to buy a... I'd rather have a mosque. It's a better word, though, synagogue. It's well better, don't be.

Synagogue's such a good word. I don't know which page for that. Why? Mosques look better from the outside. Than other places. I'll speak to me grandad, see if we can get the wig on. The Christian... Oh, he's dead.

I forgot me grandad was dead for a second then. The Christian church is not doing very well why what are you on about the church is on its arse compared to where it was 30 40 years ago why 50 years ago because less people go to church why are you saying why it's the most simple thing ever do you ever go to church then ever yeah my mum was into church do you go though now i'm in what do you mean do you ever go now like mass like christmas mass that'd be a weird look wouldn't it why i'm not a fucking catholic for sure yeah but like some atheists still go don't they why just to hedge the bets yeah it's like an insurance policy it's afterlife insurance

that's the good thing about Catholicism and I assume Christianity I haven't looked into it too much but like you can be a knobhead and then you say soz bada you get it anyway don't you

I think that I think that's in the contract with Christianity and I think God might pull you up on that little bit of the contract God's like the most sort of understanding

girlfriend ever sorry I shagged your sister don't worry about it. Here's your tea. Yeah. I love that idea that you can just say sorry on your deathbed and it's all fine and you're absolved. I think when you get up to the pearly gates

and they're like, yes, I don't know who wrote that in the contract, but that's bullshit. You have killed three people. You can't kill three people and then be like, sorry. You did it again. that's one of the seven deadly sins

isn't it that's like murder null and void the contract oh is it I think so you can't say sorry for that

what are the seven deadly sins according to murder yeah eating magnums yeah murder adultery

erm stealing gluttony. Yeah. Eating someone's last eclair. I knew that was coming. He tried to do the joke and you were like, ah, God, is that... Is that when you leave something in the fridge

and someone has it? What are they? This is from the film Seven, isn't it? That's basically how we're getting this bit of theology. Oh, that's how I'll do it as well. So, yeah yeah the fat fella he ties to the bed yeah

the prostitute that he shags the death with a knife lust lust yeah lust oh I'm fucked

me lust greed lust is a deadly sin lust gloomy greed

sloth wrath I had a wank on a national express thought it was a megabus was it not a Megabus.

Was it not a Megabus? No, you've changed that in your head. Oh, fine. Were you proud of it? No, but it's definitely lust. On the technicality, I'm not getting in now, am I? Were you luster after the bus? Love a bus. I was like, oh, God, I wonder what the MPG is.

We're making amazing time. Yeah. Oh, yeah, so you must be... But I'm saying, buying a church would be amazing. Sight lines. You wouldn't even have to change the pews. It'd be fucking brilliant. Do the podcast from the vestibule, and then we could have live performances in the church.

I think Davina's on to something. And when we get a bit laughy and I get sweaty, you've got that big, like, wash basin at the front. Is that what you think it is? Yeah. Oh, that's why you're not welcome at fucking saint kev's or whatever what your local wash your face on the way in yeah just oh you need to wash your hands yeah but who washes their hands only your mother'd sit on her face uh got a question for yous would you rather have one real

get out of jail free card or a key that opens any door that you want but you can only use it once that's a good one that's like a cryptic would you rather innit I like that one

it's the get out of jail free card innit because then you don't need a key you can just break in anywhere and use your get out of jail free card if you want yeah but you don't get to keep the stuff, do you? You get one... Hang on.

If you hide it well enough. You've got a key that opens any door. So any door you get to open once, that's the special magic one thing key. Do you know? Or you get a get out of jail free card. So whatever you do, you're out of jail. Yeah, no, I totally understand the concept, yeah?

Yeah. But you take the get out of jail free card. 100% because anything you could use the key for, you could use the get out of jail free card for. If you want to go and rob a bank, go and rob the bank. You can't get in with the key. How do you rob a bank, Adam? Boot the door down.

I love the... It literally made so much sense until you forgot that you can't rob banks. Let's be honest. Adam and Jules is... Get out of jail free. Murder. Murder people.

Yeah. Yeah. You haven't got a gun. I know a guy. You don't. You gun I know a guy you don't you don't know a guy I think I could get a gun within six hours get a fucking firearm

and then I'm home for fucking curry nice one just sat there watching curry with a fucking Kalashnikov gun you alright Adam what you Corey with a fucking Kalashnikov gun you alright Adam

what you doing got a fucking gun dad don't need to change the channel Corey's finished paaa I could get a gun you could get a gun

in six hours defo where from where from have you got any cash on you you know they don't take chip and pin at the fucking

I've got my bank card I'll go to cash prince oh you'll go the bank card do you think you're beep do you do contactless mate no I'm selling guns you fucking So don't take chip and pin at the fucking... I've got my bank card. I'll go to Cashpoint. Oh, you'll go to the bank card. Do you think you're... Do you do contactless, mate? No, I'm going to... No, I'm selling guns, you fucking...

I'll go and get cash out to Cashpoint. What, are you acting like fucking ATMs I haven't been invented for? Yeah. Why are you talking like Cain Brown? Have you never seen me buy a gun before? How much is a gun? That's what I say, that. How much is a gun?

You can take 250 quid at a time. No, like my card lets me take up to 500. How stupid would that be? It can't be that expensive. If you had a gun and you were buying a gun and you were like, right, I've come to buy a gun. He was like, okay, this is what we've got. We've got many different type of gun.

This is Kalashnikov. This is Magnum PR. If you've got anything for less than 500? Plus I need taxi fare, Rome. So call it 4485. Someone email in if you can get us a gun. You can definitely get a gun for 200 quid. I can't.

I live in Cheshire. Mate, I'd come back with some farmer-like shotgun thing like, who's going shooting seventh? There's death, like, we could death-o get a gun. Easy.

I reckon Carl, if he tried hard enough. I'm not searching get a gun after the day I searched for the head of ISIS. Yeah, yeah, those two.

That's a, yeah, that's an FBI watch list thing, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know, I've found, so people don't even know what we're talking about here, but on the last Patreon we were doing terrorism stuff, you know I thought so people don't even know what we're talking about here

but on the last Patreon we were doing terrorism stuff you know when we did that fake terrorism interview I had a Google Doc and the title of it was terrorism ideas and I only deleted it yesterday

you're definitely getting watched you're on the Truman Show but it's the terrorism one I could get a gun in six hours come on where would

you start what would be your first port of call yeah who you calling

because you've come from a long line of painter and decorators remember that actually I know for a fact one

of my dad's mates got a gun so I just text him and I've got his number as well your dad's

mate has got a gun has got a gun do you know that's... Is it just me? I know I'm new to Scouts culture.

His name's Scottish Ryan. Does that sound right? Because usually... Do you know, it's like my dad's mate's got like a trailer or like a six-man tent. Lawmower. Yeah. Everyone's got a lawnmower.

What? Scottish Ryan is his name. Scottish Ryan. He's not Scottish. He just loves haggis. I'm not even messing. And you just named him on a public episode? What have I said wrong?

He's got a gun. Yeah. It's a shotgun. It's legal. Goes hunting. Scottish Ryan. Oh, I could get one of them. He's got a shotgun.

Double-barreled shotgun. What does he hunt? What? What does he hunt rats right I do do do serious one this is important wagwan general palpatine wagwan

wagwan wagwan general palpatine. Wagwan! Serious one! Wagwan! Wagwan, General Palpatine and Chairman Mao. Can you keep this anonymous? Anonymous. Right, okay. Basically, I'm 17 years old and nearly at the two-year benchmark with my girlfriend and things are going well.

I used to have no problems getting a hard-on. 17 and he's already having death problems. Oh, Jesus. But when I started going out with it, I had performance anxiety when it came to getting sexy. So don't say, mate, I know you're 17, but don't say that. I had performance anxiety when we were getting sexy. So at this point, we still haven't shagged.

How long have they been going on? Two years. What? Let me... Two years. Let me finish. And the pressure's rising, but the thing is,

now I can't get fully hard even on my own. I know you probs take the piss, but it's something... I shouldn't have laughed then. But it's something I think about all the time. I don't blame you, fella. Because we're both ready, and I feel like I'm letting it down.

Oh, my God, I forgot to play this. Should I see a doctor? The thing that confuses me is that I used to get boners all the time. It's only over the last year or so I've had problems. Thanks, lads. So that's from Anonymous. It's quite... Oh, it's not a good sign.

Because this is a 17-year-old who can't get a boner. And I've prepped it by going, serious one. And he's in that mood. He knows where to get a boner. If you're 17 and you go half an hour without getting a wreck, there's a problem, isn't there? Like when I was 17... Have you never been on a fucking National Express?

Bus bonus, though. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You should still be getting bus bonus when you're 17. I get them all the time. Yeah, that little vibe. It's like having a fucking cock ring, or a big one, round your whole body. Just even sitting in a weird position,

and you're like, oh, God, I've put pressure on me. And your dick's like, hello? It's like playing knock-a-door-run with your dick. What's it called? Knock knock a door run with your dick right 17 year old he's been sitting first of all this girl is an angel she's sound mate oh she's getting piped elsewhere don't be a dick. She's sound. She's waited two years. I don't think a girl who's 17 is in a relationship for two years and isn't going elsewhere for the slide. I don't think any of the girls that you've known would. But I think there are fucking angels out there. Did you get the sad paper?

If yours... Yes, thank you! This is literally... What is the reason is finally... This is all I've got for the last few weeks. My nana gets dick, this guy's girlfriend gets dick. Pipe, pipe, pipe. We've got people ringing in with mathematical pipe equations.

Side pipe? Your fucking nan's got pipe. Yeah? She's getting that pipe. Thing is... What would you do, though, seriously? He's got to go to a doctor, because he should be getting accidental bonus. Thing is, right. What would you do though, seriously? He's got to go to a doctor because he should be getting accidental boners.

He should be like getting boners from stuff that he's like worrying whether he's attracted to the wrong things. He should be looking at cats sometimes and being like, oh. It sounds like anxiety, doesn't it? It is mental, innit?

It's mental. It's not physical, it's in his head. No. Still have to go to a doctor for that. It's the way, it's the- No, I know. Yeah, it's the way he worded it though He's put pressure on himself And he's built it up now

And now it's the So you could speak to someone There's loads of places online Like pharmacy online and everything But they're going to lead you down the pill route Aren't they? Because they're going to see a customer They're going to see a sale

You ever had Viagra? I tried it once, we've talked about it on the pod and it just gives you a weirdly painful boner and then eventually the girl you're with's like, mate, I'm bored of this. A comic who we've had

on this podcast told me that he used to use it all the time and he felt like a superhero. Dick man. Right. Why? What happened particularly? Get your rat out!

What happened? He just had a fucking massive dick for like three days or something. Three days? How much Viagra was he taking? He was having them like M&M's. That's a great way to have a heart attack, isn't it? Does it affect your heart? It affects your blood.

Oh, it's blood, isn't it? It's putting loads of blood. But why isn't Yeah so He's gonna go to doctors And the doctors are just gonna go Have some Viagra Like do you know what I mean

He's 17 They're not gonna look into too much He needs to Chat with someone Yeah He needs to talk it out It's not physical He's too young

I think you're bang on there I think this is I think this is something That he needs to It's probably It's probably cognitive behaviour innit Almost like cognitive dick behaviour Is he speaking to... It's probably cognitive behaviour, isn't it? Almost like cognitive dick behaviour. Is he speaking to her about it?

I think maybe start with that. I think he needs to go, listen, this is happening, and then maybe she'll work through it. She seems dead sound. They're each other's first girlfriends, aren't they? First girlfriend and boyfriend. He needs to tell her, and if she's sound, she'll help him through it, and it'll come back.

It's easy in his head. What if, though? I was half joking before. What if she's already she'll help him through it and it'll come back it's easy in his head what if though and I was half joking before what if she's already getting side pipe and it scares her off she's like

I can't get pipe here I might as well stay with the side pipe permanently she doesn't deserve she doesn't deserve she can fuck off yeah who's hurt you

no you're worth lad who's hurt you in your life who's really hurt you have you been piped in the mind hurt people hurt people hurt people erm

that's what we should have called the podcast about nine months ago it's time to hurt some people with Adam and Dad fucking each other up and Carl who is back from Japan

have you ever been like truly hurt by a woman? Emotionally? Yeah. Physically? Emotionally. Was there any gay other who just wrote you off for a while?

My first girlfriend when I was this age, when we split up, we'd been together for about six, seven months, but my mum had died in October. We started dating in like November and I look back and I remember being like we were really into each other she must have been dealing with some fucking heavy grieving that I wasn't sort of dealing with so I think I placed a lot of the intensity about losing my mum onto that relationship and when that naturally went wrong I mean when

you're 17 to go out with someone for two years is unreal we'd been going out for maybe seven or eight months when that ended i i don't remember like dealing with like now i'm splitting up with her i'll have to deal with the loss of my mom it the the weight on my heart it's unbearable like it was my mom and the relationship i did the exact same thing With the relationship I was in When Liverpool sold Fernando Torres

Like I couldn't get over it And like it was Just made me angry And upset all the time And I was like And to Chelsea as well Yeah And it just made me resent

The relationship I was in Because I related it Because she looked a bit Like Torres so No she didn't She looked like Dirk Karp And that's how you tie A fucking bow in it.

You're welcome. We've been doing this a while. See you after the break, numbnuts. Oh, not numbnuts. Sorry, mate. Are we going for a break yet? Yeah. Am I the only one that knows when the sweet spot has been hit?

You just fucking figured it. Come on, mate. Dirt cow. And he was grateful. What's that face for? The P spot, we'll call it. The P spot? Why? The podcast spot.

Like the G spot, but you just fucking ping the P spot. Talk to someone, mate. Like we've said with all the mental health stuff, talk to someone. You don't have to sit and do this on your own. Have a word with your missus. Talk to someone. there's loads of people check her phone oh for fuck's sake

don't listen to this rat cha I'm saying this look he's naive because he's all married and happy now

and he's got a second kid on the way they're fucking mental these days mate and she could be getting it from anywhere mate don't listen to him his DM's are just a

fucking cesspool of evil. Honestly, just check like a couple of apps and don't forget her message requests. Also on Instagram now, there's primary and general and she could have switched it into general or primary. There could be dirty stuff in there. That's only for Verify the Council, Lord. Right, you need to forget this few minutes of podcasting

because if this all is in your head, this isn't helping, is it? What if I'm right? And he's going through all this, getting all anxious about his first fucking bang and then he gets his dick out that day. He's been to the doctor, he's sourced it, he's gone through fucking months of therapy.

It's fucking hard as a fucking rock, dick like a baby's arm and then she's like, I've been seeing fucking Barry. 17-year-old Barry. 17-year-old Barry. What if I'm right? You talk to me like I'm a fucking knobhead sometimes. I'm not trying to help him.

Just because I've got a different opinion to you doesn't mean it's any less valid. Check. Hair. Bone. It's nothing to do with that. I was got a different opinion to you doesn't mean it's any less valid check hair phone it's nothing it's nothing to do with that I was not going to get this bone about

you've literally you've literally also you've run with your own anger some of them change the names of people I've seen this

I've seen a tweet about this who's hit you shut up some of them like she might have changed they have codes and they'll delete stuff

so you know like you get like a text every now and then from like Dominoes going two for one pizzas today she might have changed some lad's number to dominoes so if it comes up on her phone dominoes that might be her fucking side dick going hey do you want some fucking two for one dick so if she read those texts and reply so if it comes up dominoes or pizza or something and it's like it looks like an offer just reply and go he's gone out and then if you get a normal text back

then you know she's done that sausage pizza hey you're a crazy lady I'm just saying keep an eye on them that was coming from

experience that wasn't it yeah I've seen it on Twitter someone's hurt you yeah you did have you just mocked someone's hurt you someone's hurt you

did you just do a mock jump here no you have no you farted then but jump here? No. You have? No. You farted then. Seriously, lad. I honestly didn't. Look, you do need to get some help.

You got yourself so angry that you didn't know you farted. Because I'm worried about our fucking 17-year-old mister. Oh, you're worried about him. You're the nice guy. That's what I thought. You're going to lead them into... It's not about that, Adam. It's about his floppy dick.

But is he... Imagine if he uncovers this and all that anxiety goes. Because if she fucks off... But imagine if he gets run over by a bus. If he fucks her off... You can't trust buses either. They're slags.

If he finds out she's been sliding on something else and he fucks her off, then maybe all this anxiety goes. And when the pandemic's over, he can go to Pop World and he'll get a nice bit of fucking... Pop World. Yeah. He loves Pop World.

Yeah. Pop World's great for a pull-out, innit? Adam Houston. I don't know if I've said this. Do you remember that peace part? Do you remember four o'clock? This is it. Do you remember 4 o'clock?

Ladies, the ones who haven't been taken yet. Adam went for them at 10 o'clock. Adam! I'm not messing. Adam was trying to pull the fucking 4am trolls in the queue to get in like you alright babe you alright

I was turning up to Machi's and going yeah but why have you just put in the bin but he'd get like three of them then because they'd be fucking grateful good tactic let's have a little word from our sponsor we've got a wonderful guest today we's have a little word from our sponsor we've got a wonderful guest today we'll have a little interval

yeah see you shortly you know them you love them it's Vauxhall Comedy Club in that there London if you're visiting London if you're going down

for the weekend take your missus take your fella take them to go and see comedy there's some cracking comedy shows in London some of them London. If you're visiting London, if you're going down for the weekend, take your missus, take your fella, take them to go and see comedy. There's some cracking comedy shows in London. Some of them, and I've played them, are a little lacking in fucking soul.

Vauxhall Comedy Club. This is a comedy club done with love and care and done properly. In a great room with great atmosphere with brilliant comics, some from the TV, some up-and-coming circuit talent. And the absolute best of it, if you're there for the weekend,

is Friday and Saturday night. And down at Vauxhall Comedy Club, they call it Bottomless Booze Comedy. So basically, you pay them an entry fee, with the money for your booze included. It's 25 quid, it's a 90-minute show, and you also get bottomless booze, wine, beer, cider, 25 quid. There's also a spirit and mix of bottomless ticket, that starts at £35, and if you're a purist,

you're staying sober, you're fucking ziving, the ticket's just a tenner. Once we're done with the Rona and back to normal trading Vauxhall Comedy Club is usually open Monday to Saturday it's right next to

a street food garden and between now and then do us a favour at Have A Word and follow the Vauxhall Comedy Club online you can join their mailing list

it's at Vauxhall Comedy Club on Insta at Vauxhall Comedy on Twitter and Vauxhall Comedy Club on Facebook it's an over 18 night out and you

never know come the autumn you might see me and Adam there from Texas to Skem every lead is listening to the funniest podcast in the game this is Havawad

okay here we're here in the podcast studio be funny and excellent everyone great just before we crack on I just want to say it's not that I don't like them as a people it's

just that there's a smell. Anyway. Gypsies with Adam Roche. Welcome back to the second half of this week's Have A... What episode number are we on? Is this 90? 183 this month. Is it 90?

Is it 9-0? Copa 90. We've got Hal Crutton in here, ladies and gentlemen! It's good to have you. Thanks for coming in. Oh, it's lovely. I'm being a bit...

Because I've been three and a half hours in the car straight, so I've just literally went to a drive-through Costa to get my coffee. I didn't even get out of the car for three and a half hours,

so I'm just a little bit... And I'm old now, so it is... How old are you? Oh so I'm just a little bit and I'm old now so it is how old are you I'm really fucking old yes finally someone to share the burden

of getting called an old bastard by these two are you over 40 I'm 109 in his mind I'm really old how old's really old

I'm now 51 51 you look good at 51 now thank you very much it's only the hair that gives it away I think the skin i've moisturized

since i was look that's not too cab is it but i have moisturized since i was 25 only because i got dry skin patches there and i think it's made the difference i think it's been well known in british comedy you have some of the best skin in the game and also i'm quite fat which stretches the yeah isn't it william shatner said every year he put a pound on just to fill out so he couldn't wrinkle. Showbiz, darling. That's why I'm fucking filling out. It's just for my wonderful complexion. How old are you, Dan?

I'm 40 next year. We just discussed it. Sorry, I just thought it was really rude going, oh, are you... Do you know, it's because I heard you say that you'd been going... I was listening to the Ishan podcast. Yeah. Ishan. I don't know whether...

Nearly. I don't even think he knows. I say Ishan. But, but, and you'd said you'd been going 18 years. So in my head, I went,

probably started early twenties, must be 40, maybe early forties now, maybe 40. You don't look. I always think. First gig I did in Liverpool was with you. What was it?

The head of, head of steam next to the railway station. That's a shite hole. It's not even there anymore, but it was a shite hole. Oh, Lime Street. Next to Lime Street. Yeah. And at the time, hole. It's not even there anymore, but it was a shite hole. Oh, Lime Street. Next to Lime Street.

And at the time, I thought you'd given me a compliment, but I look back and I now realise what was going on. I got off stage and you went,

goodness me, you are very confident. No, I really am. Honestly, you'd probably been going about five years by then, four or five years? What's this,

2002 or something? Yeah, I'd been going about four years. Yeah, five years. And I was just young whippersnapper but i thought i was great i thought i was better now than i do now 20 years later i'm like yeah okay no but at the time i was like i'm fucking awesome and i kept going on stage like that and you i thought i come here we're going hal's giving me a really nice compliment there and i look back and i like oh i realized what was going on genuinely always thought you were really good no but i love the idea i always did i got i one of my first um weekends at highlight which was like the spin-off of junglers wasn't it at the time i was represented

by someone called hannah oldman and do you know hannah yeah so the feedback i got from julia was he's very confident and i was like that's good isn't it and i was like no but it's it wasn't that you were being shitty but when when an act is young and full of themselves a thing to say is like oh you are very confident as if to say like you were at that gig actually do you remember that gig it was when me you and bedo it was another mate of ours from school was this highlight in Camden yeah Tiger Tiger was it that one that's the last one I ever did

you did a lads on tour to your Camden highlight open spot yeah they came down we showed them that was such a skillful lads I got a

fucking tryout to junglers obviously like at the time I'm maybe like 18 months 2 years into comedy right

and I'd said to these this is big this because these books so many clubs and if you're in with these you're getting like 270 quid a pair set on a weekend at the time that was like moon money to me like i was lucky to get 25 quid petrol money and there was a stag doing who were trying to heckle me and bedo our mate who is dead sound but he's the sad everyone's mum

loves bedo do you know what I mean like your mum's like oh Paul's such a really nice boy isn't he sorry can I just say I wish I had a friend called Beddoe all my friends are called Charles or John

no nicknames anyway there's a lot of Stee's come out in the wash with these stories but he's the type of lad who you bring around

for tea and he's like you alright Mrs Ro do you need any anger for dinner do you want me to peel the potatoes and then your ma

goes upstairs and he's like I'll fucking stab that cunt up like he's just bipolar and he went over to this group

at this table of lads who were heckling me and he was like listen lads if you don't shut the fuck up you're gonna ruin

his gig and then I'll ruin your fucking week what a great threat I'll fucking kill you because he wants progression he's trying to get

paid work I'll fucking smack you out when did you when did you start then 98 how old were you 97 i must be 97 no oh god i did my first you know you do that thing where you lie for ages and i got i got past that in 2009 i now give up no i start because you start going well i sort of was professional about 2001. I sort of was messing around for a while. Did bits and bobs. So I did a few gigs at the end of 1996. Who was on the bill? I love playing this game.

This is a great one. Who was your bill for your very first gig? The thing is, the first gig I did was beneath a restaurant in Notting Hill called Croc of Wit. The name of the club was Croc of Wit. And it was in Notting Hill. And it was very lovely. It was about 30 people sitting on benches and i don't think many people have stayed doing it i do remember people used to visit rob bryden used to come rob bryden used to come and do like impressions he would do um hugh grant and he'd do and rob bryden was like an impressions act so that's when i first met him on his way up yeah oh completely unknown and he had a friend called

dave klein who's a guy who got me into comedy because i was working i was working writing traffic reports at the bbc because i was i was trying to be an actor and it wasn't working and um well i was writing traffic reports because obviously i've diminished that there were good acting jobs but uh very very rare but um but so i was doing these writing these traffic reports and dave klein was a guy who was doing a comedy course do you ever heard of jill edwards comedy course and she's in brighton now but she's one of these there's loads if you've never heard of a comedy course it's like a dragnet for people who want to waste yeah 80 quid in it exactly well people no one kept doing it apart no but hers was a good one because people have come out of it like

jimmy carr did it and things like that and okay people like that simon evans did it does that mean it was a good course or just that good people did that course? Yeah, there were many courses. Because I feel like most comedy courses are move the mic stand out the way, try not to look at the floor and... Yeah. Don't drop the end on...

Two guys dealing with a divorce. Yeah. I've ran a comedy course. So, Hot Water... You... And you're the... So, Hot Water Comedy Club in Liverpool, they used to have the Hot Water Comedy course

that was taught by Paul Smith and one time they were twice actually they booked it in and Paul was going on holiday but they'd already sold all the places and they were like

Adam you're closing for us and Midland and Triumph you teach it and it was just like giving them the confidence to get on stage

you can't teach someone to do stand-up some great act showed Anthony Jesselnik's come out of that Kevin Hart came came out like like gail edwards this was a pretty good one as well but but i think there's i think there's a thing of it takes about six months off your development because it teaches you certain it makes you a little bit above some of the other open spots you don't do you don't make stupid mistakes i think it gives you about 20 gigs of experience i think yeah the main thing is that they do on the course like right guys this is the big one how to take a mic out of a mic stand and it's easy to

look back and go that's so stupid that is the best bit that it can give you don't fucking trip over as you walk on look the right way and take the mic out without going well but but isn't it also do you i used to watch people at the comedy, when the comedy store had open spots that really were new, in the middle of a normal gig. Now it tends to be that people have a level of ability by the time they're doing it. They're trying for paid work, aren't they? And they'd say, don't say if it's open spots or not. And I'd say, you can tell by the way they walk to the mic if they're at open spots or not, wouldn't you? But no, it's not about shaking.

It's about, I think those of us that have been comics for a long time, we've got a way of pretending that we're not shitting ourselves or we're not, well, we're actually often not shitting yourself at comedy store, but the way people walk out alive with the Apollo going, Hey, Apollo. Whoa.

And inside they're going, this better fucking go well. It's going to be repeated. Like, you know what I mean? And I think that there's that bullshit we learn. And you actually see them go, I just want to please you.

I just want to please you. Whereas we, I think the longer you go, the more you walk out on stage going, I don't care if you think there's that bullshit we learn. And you actually see them go, I just want to please you. I just want to please you. Whereas we, I think the longer you go, the more you walk out on stage going, I don't care if you think it's funny. It's second nature, isn't it? You just get that sort of like, hey! I think it's the first time you do a slightly bigger gig. Do you remember what you said to me?

So I did a solo show a couple of years ago at the Unity Theatre. Do you remember how I walked out? He said, because I've always been, like you, confident with every gig i do this i'd sold 180 tickets and i was like this is going to be i'd just done your in the house podcast a few weeks before because we were talking about it on your podcast and i normally walk on stage i'm like yeah let's fucking do this i'm dead confident you told me i

walked out like apologetically and that was the worst solo show i've ever had it didn't go well i don't like him anyway but i walked out and i was like because like the wall of noise and he was like it was like you would apologize him for being there it's exactly what you're talking about that like imposter syndrome of i i shouldn't be here yet how did you go when you did live at the apollo what was your sort of internal monologue um Was that the first big TV stand-up? No, my first really big TV stand-up was I got Royal Variety in 2009. The year you started? Amazing. The year I started.

Incredible. It's the year I turned from being... Gail Edwards. Yeah. No, Jill Edwards. Sorry, sorry. Just to get her name right. Jill Edwards, very good course.

If you're down in Brighton now. Anyway, but... But, honestly, I turned from being a lifelong Republican to really quite liking the royal family. Because I got... I mean, I remember I was still sort of properly on Facebook then, and a friend went... I said, I'm going to do royal rights.

Someone went, aren't you a Republican? I went, could you take it? I had to photo. Take that that off don't say that because but i know i met the i love it was the queen and prince philip it's only one i think they did it once more or something before um what was it going through your head as you did it do you know what i am you know i'm a neurotic i don't know you haven't worked with me that that much adam but i'm one of the most neurotic off stage oh my god this is going to be shit and i'm going to be crap the only reason i know that is because we did a double header preview together at the boat show yeah just before edinburgh and you were you you're like this is just it's not

there yet and it's and i was like oh because i've only ever seen you at like the the ckp showcases because like for those who don't know we share an agent um now Management. It keeps changing its name, but I don't know why. It's like they're on the run. Fucking Hal and Adam are doing well. Change the name of the company. There's just two cash in hand, lads. You'll do the Apollo, but it's fucking cash in hand.

It's a cash pickup. Royal Variety. The BBC are paying us in untraceable bonds yeah yeah but I like I seen it for the first time

because every other time I've seen you we're doing like seven minute sets and it's stuff that you've done for a year because you know

it's in front but yeah and you smash out you hoof gigs do you know what I still that first Royal Variety

I stood in the wings and you know Royal Variety's a really scary gig because comics die on it. Big comics have died. Both times I've done it, I've seen a comic die on it. It was not me. You die in front of the Queen. Can't you just Google and let us know who's on with how?

No, but everybody's wearing sort of black tie and being very tense and worrying about whether the Queen's up. I've only done it with the old, you know, like I did in 2013 with charles and camilla so it's all so and so people are all going oh will he get offended and worried stuff and um and it's so frightening you get it it's so frightening that you actually i reached that lovely point of going i'm beyond fear i'm in a weird netherworld i remember then somebody was brushing down my jacket and there was katherine jenkins on stage going wake me up inside you was doing a version of that song. And it was really dramatic.

Katherine Jenkins did an Evanescence cover? Yes, she covered it. I still remember it. And there's all these, but it was amazing dancers with it. And she was in the middle of all this thing. It was beautifully sung. And I'm about to follow it. Michael Bublé doing a slipknot cover.

I'm about to follow it. And just thinking, this is so, and I'm totally unknown. Had you just sort of reached a level of almost like pressure nirvana? Yeah, but also, isn't there that wonderful thing where no one knows who you are? You've got nothing to lose. You are literally walking out, and people are going, who's this? And the first minute of Royal Variety, if they don't know you, you're dying for a minute, and you have to pretend you're not.

I remember, I still remember Sarah Millican got it the next year and said, she phoned me, because I give advice to all the big stars, and I went, you'll die for about the first minute, and you just have to pretend it's not happening. Because anybody knew, even if you've done a bit of telly, if you're younger, they'll just go, I don't know who they are. And you have to just work them into stand-up. And it's such a frightening gig that it actually, I mean, I loved it.

This is literally how you're explaining it. Have you seen in a film where a landmine or an explosion goes off and then they're just walking and it's like that's almost like you walking out like oh this is so stressful yeah i've gone beyond shitting it and then and then you had a blinder it was it was i also i was i mean i was so much nicer than as a comic i've got not got as much nice material now i'd struggle if i got it now having said that i am still available but but but you do have you know you i i did have such a good i did walk off go oh that's it my career's made and it's just been such a slog welcome to have a word first time i did live at the apollo i went this is it goodbye goodbye I'll never be in a club again I won't have to do corporates in a year

oh now you're ringing Christian any more corporates mate any more corporates the glee gone back to you I know where we're gigging tonight together as well

oh yeah I'm telling you right so the producer of the Royal Variety come to see me in Edinburgh a couple of years ago and said they really liked it

now if I get a minute in now that I know that yeah if I got to do it and I get a minute in now that i know that yeah if i got to do it and i get a minute in and it's not working i'll be like right i remember what hal said on the podcast it's all fine if i get two minutes in i'll be like right that's a bit longer than hal said if that third minute it has i will bill bear philadelphia the fuck out of the family and i'll be like listen liz you're arrogant twat how on the money are you you stupid fucking bitch

get the fuck out of it why am I tax money paying for you and that racist old weekend that Bernie's come to still be alive Charles we know you're off to your ex wife your date house I will fucking drive it into the ground Prince Addy was the only sound one and you fucking

shift him off to Canada. Do you know what's great? Mate, you're not going to win them round. How exciting would this be if he does get it and then this now gets out? The whole Philadelphia thing is that they hated him and he went in hard and he won them over because they're a hard city.

They booed at Santa and they won them over just by giving them abuse. I don't think the royal family worked like that. Sweating now, Prince Andrew, I know! It's because I called your man out for the fucking tax dodging, rat she is! So apparently you're never doing it again, though, because now you've been on this podcast.

No, but do you know what? It's the thing of doing a gig, where if it goes bad, where you can die, and then you have to on this podcast. No, but it's... But do you know what? It is one of those... It's the thing of doing a gig where if it goes bad, where you can die, and then you have to meet them still. You have to... That's the fun. Did you shake her hand?

Yes. Yeah. Is she... No, it's Camilla. You got Charles and Camilla. No, I've done it twice. So 2009, I got Queen and... So it's Philip.

You're working your way around the fucking aristocracy. He got offered another one with the Queen and that, and he was like, been there, met here, get me Charles and the other one. Do you know what? Camilla said that to me. She went, so you've done this before? Because they get a little... I went, yes, I did it four years ago in Blackpool

with the Queen and Prince Philip. She went, oh, so this is a bit of a step down. And I went, oh, no, no, no. I said, I want to meet all of you, ma'am. I just, honestly, the Republican side of me was so disg but i'll do anything for career is the queen is the queen a solid handshaker or is she a bit fucking limp do you know no she's just she's a fist pumper i did you know what she's just i would do that what up she's actually a kind of stunning if i mean this is she's she's glow she's so she's she i'm sorry i'm way over

i love the queen how old are you i love this would you bang the queen no oh god this is really wrecking any chance i have of going back you haven't said anything we've ruined it i would go for a fist bump though especially with charles yeah because he does loads of work with youth sensors and that don't he but he's like but they are he's down for a sport do you know what they're really good at they are really good at making they're just trained in making you feel special and make you feel like oh you know it's charles is all that's amazing what you do so hard with this you know this crowd because i know he just spoken to the other comic who died in his ass and um and just gone to him because i was so i'm not gonna tell you the other guy was. He just gone to him with bad luck

with the tough crowd and he said to me oh you did so well it's so tough with this crowd and this make you feel special and you just float. Because he's been doing that for years. He has been doing small talk

at these showy events for a while. Oh wonderful industry. But it's that thing Have you got an email? I've got some live work coming up at St James's. But very posh people

are brilliant at this. They are brilliant at going that's why people voted boris johnson boris johnson is good at going oh i'm a bit mad a bit oh i'm sure you're wonderful i'm sure there's that way of just they're almost trained it doesn't work as well around here though that's sort of but what they're doing is i think they're deflecting attention from their ridiculous privilege they're going oh of course you're great you're fantastic posh people do it the whole time oh that'd be fun oh They're going, oh, of course, you're great. You're fantastic. Posh people do it the whole time. Oh, that'd be fun.

Oh, that'd be great. Oh, that's great what you do. Complimentary. They're flirty. Don't think about the money I was born into with all my business. I'm not incredible. You're incredible. I'm worth 89 million pounds independently. But you've got both your shoes on.

Phenomenal. That's how you tell super posh. I wanted to reach that level. They put themselves down and build you up. I'm middle, middle class. Noenomenal. I think that's how you tell super posh. I wanted to reach that level. They put themselves down and build you up. I'm middle middle class. No one likes us. Upper middle and upper class are all... You lot get a lot of the shit from us. Yeah. Because we sort of blame

you for what the people above you are doing. So you get stick from the working class without any of the benefits really. Exactly. I don't think I'm aatory because I drank watermelon-flavoured lucasade. So that's all it... Come on, no. That is a bit right-wing, isn't it?

That's how working class Adam is. To not go for the orange or the original. Even the original's a bit lib-dem. What the fuck are you wearing? Knitwear! Ooh, didn't realise I was hanging out with the fucking Sultan of Brunei. If you at any point during the winter turn up to this podcast in a cardigan, it's over. What's wrong with a cardigan?

It's just, no, you can wear it because it's ironic. He can't wear a fucking cardigan. Do I immediately think of the end scene of Grease? Yeah. Do he turns up in a cardigan? What are you of the end scene of Grease. Yeah. He turns up in a cardigan. What are you doing there? And then it's a dance and he becomes cool again. But she's all sexy.

Yeah. She does look good at the end. I do love the way you're both wearing baseball caps. It's so, it's like... We're trying to get a sponsorship. Oh. Well, it's because he's young and I'm bald. I just, but it does...

Look how bad it looks. Look, with these headphones... Oh, but it's because he's young and I'm bald. Look how bad it looks. With these headphones... Oh, but it's very... It looks like an out-of-work Moby impersonator. It's quite sweet, though. Do you like house music? It's so Moby. Fuck it, I'm going to ride it out.

You do look like a couple of guys going, yeah, so we're, you know, down here in Texas and we're voting for Trump and listen to other... Do you think we're the high Trump voters? I don't think you're Trump voters, I just think you look a bit. I think a lot of people in the British podcasting game think we're very alt-right, so that really... But they make jokes that you can't make!

Yeah, how's your patron do? What, what? How... This is why I'm not wearing a cardigan. This is the sort of thing I come on where I think I'm an edgy comic and I'm just not. And I come on a show like this and go, I'm quite frightened. Anything could be said. Because that's my thing. Yeah, I bet you when you were driving here today, you didn't think anyone was going to tell the queen to go fuck herself. Exactly.

Especially someone who wants to be on the Royal Variety. That's what's so weird. I want to be, I'm going to fucking fuck herself. Exactly. Especially someone who wants to be on the royal variety. That's what's so weird. I want to be, I'm going to fucking go for the... No, absolutely do it. But I also, you know,

there's a working class with socialist ideals who lives within me, who just can't. So what would you actually do? Because you're not a fucking, you play the, you play the game, but would you be like,

instead of saying, I'd be like, are they mates? I think I'd say, what's happening? Oh, are we? You wouldn't, you would say, like, instead of saying my name, you'd be like, alright, mate? I think I'd say, what's happening? How are we? You wouldn't. You would say, your royal highness or your majesty and then you'd play it all. I swear on the grave of

my mother, I absolutely would not. If I met the queen, let's say it's the queen, and what's his name? Is it Philip? Big lad. Just say big fella. I'd just go, like, do they come together or do they come one at a time? They come a fella Philip big lad just say big fella I'd just go like I do they come together or do they come

one at a time they come sort of one at a time because she's like a grandma and he's like your mad old granddad

let's do it we're in the line but who comes first it's him innit she came first right yeah she not that joke

but yes anyone anyone are we not doing it the sky stays sorry so I'd say how are we to the queen so we're coming down the line Anyone? Anyone? Are we not doing it? The sky stinks. Sorry. So I'd say, how are we to the Queen?

So we're coming down the line. How are we? How are we? Nice to meet you. I've seen all your money. You fucking little rat. If the Queen said to me, you fucking little rat. You'd be respected though, wouldn't you? I'd be happier than I've ever been.

If the Queen of England said, you fucking little rat. Where? What? England. Queen of England. England. I'd say, how are we to the Queen? How are we, Liz?

And then Philip had to say, what's happening, Phil? I know we're joking, but I think he would how i think i would no the problem is first of all they hold they don't really go to it anymore because there's very odd so it is usually the young that's netflix for you they're all watching it well if it was the other one if it was charles and camilla charlie charlie so the thing is if you did something like that that's the thing that's that is that is the potential for greatness because you because you know people do raw variety people forget it if you said something like that and people heard it that would be that you know all the tabloids would go i was 100 speaking sorry i'm like showing how old i am because i remember when michael mcintyre first did it and i saw him

and said do you know i've always thought i've always thought if i got raw variety i'd go in for a hug because it would be all over the tabloids you go viral and and you probably might get attacked by security you got hit by security yeah you would get this the hook they went for a hug oh my god because it would get you so much media attention but it would be it would be cynical no but i would i would say what's happening and i would say how are we because i just would because also if i get it once i know i'm not getting it twice you know what i mean so i might as well just lean into the... If you embrace the Queen, you're not getting booked again, are you? No.

Well, actually, he made me feel safe. The security is unbelievable. Unbelievable. We did a run... We were at the Palladium, second time I did it, and we'd done a little rehearsal on stage of all the bow at the end things. Went back to our rooms, and there's sniffer dogs in our dressing room, in the comedian's dressing room, luckily, just sniffing for explosives.

Did it in Blackpool. You have armed police all round backstage and actually walking round. Where did you, you didn't, where does the Queen stay when she plays Blackpool? Oh, I think she flew in and flew out. Right. Oh, one of the bed and breakfasts on the prom, Dan. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that love, yeah.

I remember the hotel we stayed in. We got credit card and that. It was, yeah, they don't have any, like, yeah. Yeah, that love. Yeah, that. I remember the hotel we stayed in. We got credit card and what. It was like, yeah. They don't have any, like, really flash hotels in Blackpool, do they? No. No. No.

They don't have, like, it's been a rough 50 years for that town. They've got some fucking... One of the most terrifying towns in Britain, Blackpool. Blackpool, Preston, Swaziland Bayou, and Nottingham.

They're the three places where I feel like I might be attacked at any point. Yeah, but... It's fucking tough, you mean? Yeah, but Bayou and Nottingham. They're the three places where I feel like I might be attacked at any point. Yeah, but... It's from fucking Torf, you mean? Yeah, but the thing is, Nottingham, Nottingham, to me, always seems not that threatening, but does have a really high murder rate and stuff. The gun capital of the UK, Nottingham.

See? If I want to get a gun, talk about hackstats.com. But do you know what? Often it can be, if it a hardcore like gangsters they run the place and keep it quite safe that's why i live how you that accent no the the information you just delivered did not suit the voice i was driving it's about hardcore they really look after you and if shit goes down it fucking goes down and then your house is fine i i mean i live in enfield which is above but we

quite often go through area green lanes which is sort of uh what is green lanes it's down from um sort of turnpike lane anyway that's that part of london and there's a bit like tottenham way yeah it's yeah but it's not as far as tottenham but anyway it's further um sort of wood green turnpike lane this sort of green lanes area anyway that is apparently the heroin capital of europe and we were driving through the other day wife and i went that weird this is the heroin capital of europe because it's actually there's a lot of extra shops where they're sort of laundering money there's too many food shops but but it's a very no but it is run by gangsters and you and and people do get but it's actually really nice and so maybe that's the same with nottingham do you know what this area

needs more heroin import yeah because if you're not in the game, it's not like you're either getting shot or sold heroin. These places, you can still buy a fucking muffin of a Sunday morning if you want one. Yeah, we're just civilians passing through. You want what, a blueberry muffin? This is Costa. You know, this is the heroin capital of the UK.

Yeah, there's another, the gun crime of Nottingham. I didn't know that one about that area of London. But there was one going around Leeds about 15 years ago because there'd been an attack in Hyde Park in Leeds. It's where my daughter now lives. It's quite hard, isn't it? She's a student. Oh, kiddo.

Yeah, she tried to burgle a house the third day they were in. Buckle up for this story. Oh, my God. There was two rapes. Gay rapes. There wases gay rapes there was two gay rapes in a few months and it became known

as the gay rape capital of Europe not not just the UK Europe and for a while there you couldn't mention

that area of leagues without someone going yeah it's the gay rape capital of Europe and you're like I've gigged there I gig there every sort of three or four weeks

not a sniff. Does that mean that there was only two? Only two so was there only one gay rape in Europe? Yeah. You said there was two gay rapes and that was the capital Honestly talking out of turn I don't have the stats or the league table of

gay rapes. Like a politician over here I don't actually have the figures to back up what I say. Isn't it the truth that actually we like it? We like those stories of, oh, around us. It's like when you go to Belfast and Europa Hotel and if you say in the Europa Hotel, oh, this is the most bombed hotel in Europe.

Most bombed? Because it makes us feel, yeah, you see, we're quite hard because we survived that. Especially London, which is a gentrified area plus really next to a hard area. It's such rubbish. You hear people go, I live in Brixton. I live in Notting Hill. It's actually really rough.

People like the legend of it. And they want that image of actually they're living on the streets and stuff. But I used to joke about this, about the fact that anywhere in Britain is basically not that scary compared to most of... If you're from Brazil or Mexico or inner city USA. Nottingham's edgy honestly. We sound a bit pathetic going be careful around there. It is like

Honestly once you get past the Pizza Express it's a little bit naughty down there. I love people who live in like I remember when I moved to Chester. I lived in Chester for a year with Danny McLaughlin. Oh. And he was like, just to let you know, lads. At the time, I was living in my aunties in Dovecote,

which is the area I grew up in. He was like, just to let you know, I don't want to be surprised. The road you're going to live on, Ehrman Road, it is a bit rough. I don't want you to have any false ideas. And then he picked me up from my aunties to take me over, and he was like, yeah, we're living in Dovecote.

Because it's people by my aunties who've got speedboats but haven't got fucking front fences do you know what I mean and if you've got a speedboat and you don't have a gaze around it it's a bit of a rough area

is that the giveaway it is yeah it's speedboats that they won on like scratch cards and that um scratch card speedboats is that a Liverpool thing yeah

it's like a postcard lottery thing yeah here's a fucking speedboat. Don't look in the hole. How much is... Sorry, I'm a bit tired, I think, because I immediately went, how much is a speedboat?

Depends on... You need to know a guy. He knows everyone. Also, don't worry about speedboats. You're not doing the fucking Royal Variety again. I know, I know. You can get a speedboat for 300 quid secondhand if you pass exchange before Fiesta

yeah 100% do you reckon you could get a speedboat and a gun before midnight yeah easily

you could get we were talking I'm excited myself on this but it's on a podcast but you really think you could get a gun you would know how to get a gun so we were talking about this

in the first half yeah and Blackpool, Preston and Nottingham are rough exactly go on Adam I said I reckon I could get a gun within six hours my dad's got a mate called scottish ryan yeah who i i know has got at least one gun so if he's got a second one he might be able to sell it to me yeah or if not his face he knows like he definitely knows someone who could get me you know i'm not saying like an uzi or anything he's gonna be doing a lot of

business now isn't he how's so from not from like an Uzi or anything. He's going to be doing a lot of business now, isn't he? Hal's so not from the same, Hal's thinking like, what would that do to your life insurance? Well, I do reckon within six hours I could get like a cap, like a cap gun. I could get one of them. What is a cap gun a copy of?

A revolver. I reckon. Prove it. Have you ever shot a gun because my this is not this is not like a my view of you as a northern act is that you're

Hal Cruttenden who's from Goodstock you do seven gigs a night because you're the famous you don't just do doubles or trebles like the weird

if you've never like it's a weird thing but on the circuit Hal's got this amazing reputation of being able to like not just do two gigs a night or three but I've got to fuck off because i do have five of the gigs tonight so in my head you've got like a you've got land where you do shoot in and like oh the grouse are

in i actually heard before long before we'd met i heard that that was like a you know like the the circuit legend story is that like you would squeeze like five, six and seven gigs in? it wasn't. It was, hardly ever did I do, I think I did six. Hardly ever did I do six. I did seven, but I,

in a night, but I would often, there was a certain period where I would often do five on a Saturday night. I'd do, I'd try and do nine to ten on a Friday.

So you're talking, do the early show at the store, the boat, and then go and do what? And there was jonglers as well. There was maybe two jonglers. This is 2004 two jonglers two stores and another little one a nice one for fun it was quite right sorry the one that you don't i enjoyed the store actually but john i always do the third one for fun one two four and five for the money i think i've got

that i've got that slight guilt over the fact that we do a job that isn't a proper job. And when you get home sweating going, I've done five gigs, I've actually done it. You feel you could have been, you know, it is like doing a shift down a mine or it's not the same. To be fair, if I do a London store weekend, I'll do at least three and often five on the Friday and Saturday because you can get top secret before the London store and then you do the London store,

then you can go to Chiswick and do headliners, or the boat, and then back and do the later. And it's doable, but Hal had a reputation for doing that. The idea was that that was how you did your weekends, every weekend. For us, that's like a random fucking busy one in London.

Yeah. Well, I remember I supported, I mean, I supported Rob Brydon in 2009 for like a year. He did a big big tour and he always found it funny because i would work out where we were which theaters were on and i would be going to maybe two other gigs after opening for him and i did we did a run in london he just always found it hilarious and i was all but it's because i think it's because i had um i had kids quite too early in my career my wife had a good job and we had two kids

and she really couldn't keep doing her job. And suddenly I went, oh my God, we're going to earn all this money from standup. And that's why I just went mad for money. The dynamic of my house is Laura wanting quality time. And it makes me look when I'm like, well, we've got the podcast and then I've got to do gigs because I feel like, and it makes,

Laura sometimes thinks that I'm like, well, we've got the podcast and then I've got to do gigs. Because I feel like, and it makes, Laura sometimes thinks that I'm like, think I'm more important than her or anything. You're like, it's not that. It's just, you like feel a pressure to earn. So you just have to, when you become a dad, you like raise your game. And all of a sudden it's like, oh, we'll see what comes in.

You're fucking putting a podcast on, you're fighting for work. And it's a bit like, I don't know, it's a bit obsessive almost of like, I've got to do all these things because of the pressure. And I find COVID actually has made me go back to that in terms of I did a gig on my birthday. I'm probably going to do a gig.

I'm going to gig around Christmas, which I don't usually do. I've been offered something between Christmas and New Year that I'm thinking, oh yeah, I'll do it. Because you just start to take and panic. Is your wife all right with it? Is she used to... It's 20 years.

She's just so fed up. She's so fed up. It's like comedy widow. How long have you... Are you married? I am recently single. So like, I've got a three bedroom house

that I rent in Liverpool. And obviously all the bills and that. And now that she's gone, I'm actually saving money because I'm not paying for her food as well as all of that so

I'm living a Christmas is going to be good this year boy very different lifestyle where you were like we're five years married got a three and a half year old oh

but it is have another because that that tips you into a new level of hell yeah I am yeah we're expecting oh brilliant it is so hot I just want to see you suffer can I just say can I just say because that tips you into a new level of hell. Yeah, I am. Yeah, we're expecting. Oh, brilliant!

It is so hot. I just want to see you suffer. Can I just say, can I just say, I totally deserve that. After the Leeds University gay rape capital of Europe, you were like, okay, well, one all now, motherfucker.

Yeah, that was a cul-de-sac that we did very well. What? I just find lots of my friends were very young, free and single when I had little kids, and I'm really enjoying mine being old and sort of leaving now and all the panic people are going through, because actually there is a lot more time to just go.

We've seen someone the other day, it was proper stark. So we've seen a lad we went to school with. We were in the car park of McDonald's, and we'd just been shopping, and I think we were on our way here to record an episode, and this lad was in overalls and a high-vis, covered in paint and plaster and shit. And we were like, we went to school with him.

And that's been his full day, and we know for a fact he's got at least one kid, I think, too. And we were like, he's our age, and we've been shopping on a Tuesday, and now we're going to talk shite in a fucking box for a few hours. And I'm quite grateful for that. I hope he listens to this. He'll just be tying the rope up,

putting his head through the noose. I'll have kids eventually, though. I do want kids. See, I can't wait, because then I'm going to lord it. I'm now in the war zone of this, but 10 years behind me, and he's giving me stick.

He's like, it's a fucking piece of bit. I've one kid, I've six, it don't matter. I can't wait to be where you are now with your mates with him that's gonna be i've had a dog though so i've had practice oh for god's sake no it's not like i'm not saying it's the same but like it's a warm up in it yeah i must i thought no i mean i i must admit dogs now we've got two dogs so i was about to say i care about my dogs more than my daughters but no i don't i really don't but it is so it's just been so special i love my i live for my dogs no but i don't remember maybe it is easier it is so much easier to have dogs

than kids because kids do they are complicated and you fuck them up and you you know yeah you don't have to pay for dogs to go to university exactly my two are now at the eight well one's doing if she's doing a like foundation course and my oldest is at Leeds doing art as well, because they're both doing art stuff. And it is nice. You just begin to get the payback now, where they're leaving, and they just know there's a way out. They know there's a valve.

They don't hate you so much. And also, you've got a boy, haven't you? I've got a little girl. Oh, a little girl. Fingers crossed for another little girl, because they won't judge you. They just let you off shit, because you're not a proper... You know, you won't be judged the same way your your wife will be judged because i think you

judge your own sex parent much more because you model yourself on them i defo do that yeah both my parents are raging alcoholics but me mom i'm sort of like i get it and my dad yeah your mom's cute honestly get away with murder it's lovely it's lovely to have girls and now you've got now you've got time for yourself. You're just your own. The kids have gone. Yeah, yeah. I can't wait for that. Tell me what that's like.

No, it is lovely. Having time for yourself and being able to be your own person. I still say horrible things. I'm doing this on stage because they took me out. Of my 50th birthday, this was so perfect. I didn't know. My wife was doing a surprise party very last minute because I said I don't want to party. I'd been a bit all moody about it. But she was doing a surprise party very last minute because i said i

don't want to party and i'd been a bit all moody about it but she was doing one because i thought i'd said oh maybe it'd be nice um i don't relate to that at all you know i want all the parties i don't get a big surprise for my 30th you better start talking to my dad soon 18 months to go i'm just miserable but but my daughters took me out said we're taking you out and they were like you know 19 and 17 at the time took me out in london we did all these things we'll do we did like stupid things like an escape room and we went for a meal and we just had a really good time and i sat in the cafe at the end of it and i said to both of them you two are the best thing that's ever happened to me that's how shit my life and it was and they did laugh thank god but I just think

there's been so much piss taking that I worry about the damage I've done because they are real piss takers they're incredibly rude to me

how are they with because you haven't really had a chance to experience this yet because you're a child so young how are your daughters with the fact

that you are not only a comedian but you know a famous comedian you've been on a lot of telly do they do you talk about

it do they have no i like i'm no because i'm low level fame they don't really respect it yeah that's the thing they don't have and i but i i like being with my youngest my youngest but both my daughter i'm not saying this is a oh they're beautiful they are very beautiful girls surprisingly good looking in fact me if i lose weight you would see there's real quality you and the queen are well fit i've passed that on as my wife's good looking uh no my daughters are beautiful but my youngest is like people turn because she's bright red hair she's got very very beautiful red hair and people really notice her if i'm with her people notice me because people are looking for somebody's oh redhead girl and then people recognize me so she thinks i'm much more famous than my other daughter who's much more my coloring which is actually brown hair brown eyes she thinks you're a really attentive dad like dad

asked me to go everywhere that level do you know what i mean someone stopped me in a shop the other day and said uh oh you're that comedian what's it like being famous? I said, well, I'm not that famous because I'm loving this. Because I love people recognising me. And I've had, if I go, you know, I'm at that thing where I go to a rugby match or something and I get spotted all the time. Something about being in a big group and people have had a few drinks

and they all come up to you and things. And I love it because most of the time, no. It drives you mad a little bit, doesn't it? Like sometimes, I remember just before he went to Japan last year. So I only really get recognised in Liverpool. And it happens more on a night out than like during the day. Yeah. But on a night out, I get quite a lot of people,

Oh, you're that fucking Adam. I've seen your thing about that fella. And we were on a night out. We were at a bar, which is shut now, isn't it? Maya. Yeah, it's just shut. were at a bar which is shut now isn't it Meyer just shut yeah yeah so there's a bar

called Meyer where he knows a lot of the people who work there and we're just in there having a drink and in the space of about 10-15 minutes

there's like 5 or 6 people come over one after the other all independently going oh like can I just get a quick picture with you and because they

don't care who you're with people who recognise you from something you're just an anonymous, and they'll just hand the camera to him and go,

take a picture, take a picture, and he got really pissed off, and I love it, and he went, he waited for the song to die down, the end of the song,

and went, everyone, Adam Rowe is here, and if anyone gives a fuck, come and do something about it now. We had a little queue of about six people, and then that was it. Oh and do something about it now. We had a little queue of about six people,

and then that was it. Oh, my God. Fuck. He's like, I'm not being your fucking Instagram girlfriend. These two are best friends, but it's a really abusive relationship. Yeah. There's a lot of gaslighting going on.

Do you find that is the thing with men, isn't it? We can't just be nice to each other. Yeah, I love you, you prick. Exactly. You can't be best mates with someone until you know where, when and how you're going to kill them. Always with murder. And he's trying to buy guns.

I'm not trying to buy guns. Hey, have you fired a handgun? No. No, I haven't. I've done shotgun. But I remember being in, I was doing a little, I don't know if they still do it, I think Just for Laughs do a tour of Canada.

It's one of the best comedy gigs you can do. It's like a month, and you go with a little group, and it's really easy, doing 15 minutes a night in big theatres, and it was lovely. There's me, Danny Boyan, David O'Doherty, and then... Oh, great, Neil. Yeah, but a Canadian, an American compere and a Canadian, all the crew are Canadian, and we went to West Edmonton shopping mall, which is one of the big, it was once a massive shopping mall in the world. It was the biggest in the world. They have a gun range there. And it was so weird to see the different culture of, we're in this gun shop and they went, yeah, do you want to pay $50 and we'll

get a gun and shoot guns? And I suddenly went, I really thought, yeah, I'm going to do it. And all these Canadians, the Americans went off and did it. And then Daddy Boy put his arm around me and went, this isn't for us, is it, Hal? And we just walked away, sadly. Just too scared. The idea of going, yeah, firing a Glock, firing a handgun. Just in case you're like, oh my God, I don't know what to do with it. Bang!

I shot David O'Donaghy! It's just that thing. It's just that thing of, I'm just scared of guns. Because we just grow up. Yeah, I know what you mean. I know what you mean. I find it offensive. No, don't get me wrong.

I definitely do it but to them it's very that won't be the first time they've had a gun exactly like a like a shotgun

or maybe you know someone that's something to do with agriculture yeah but those are proper firearms

it would make you go but to them they're like of course I've got everyone's got guns we've got one at home I grew up playing

Grand Theft Auto and I feel like I'm an expert marksman, waiting to be given... But I thought, like, when there's been a terrorist attack or something, and there's been... But even when there isn't, like a year after, when there hasn't been anything, and suddenly I'll walk through a tube station in London,

and police are there with big guns, like Leicester Square, and I almost want to walk up to them and go, I think that just sets a nasty atmosphere. Can't they sit in a van? Well, how? And if something... i wouldn't say a gym in merseyside on merseyside two gyms this uh yesterday got shut down with fucking police with guns with machine guns so is that where you don't need terrorist attacks anymore you just need fucking gold's gym to stay open in a tier three what the fuck are you doing the thing is in the police's defence

and I wouldn't do this often you know if you're turning up to a gym especially like MMA gyms and that take a good idea to have a weapon

isn't it because if they know how to do Krav Maga they are fucked it's when soft plays are opening up illegally that's when the vision get out the fucking

ball pool you fuck it how old do you want there's kids from Liverpool as well who you know they're fucking handy. Yeah. Just straight down the slide and then bang you out. Do you have that, it is, it is unfashionable to say, but there is something sexy about guns as well.

Yeah. Is it just me? There is so, I love to walk down the street just once with a big gun. I know that's really bad. I would love to do that. So even though I think it's, even though I think it's disgraceful bad I would love to see that I would love to even though I think it's disgraceful I would love to just

walk around Adam buy the gun and then give it to Hal so he can walk through the high street of Runk on like a a girl holding a gun as well it is

like a girl in a Liverpool top knickers a massive gun oh yeah those like office glasses on like

lensless glasses aka 47 when you're absolutely positive why are you shaking your head are you telling me that wouldn't turn you on girls with guns

a girl with a gun and a fussy top and glasses 40 kits and guns and a bow you would a sex bow yeah

you could vote Trump though couldn't you with everything you've just said that was so like Alabama shit yeah yeah I'd just want to

sex a girl, shoot some girls, shoot some gators. But it is bad. Sat on a bale of hay. What a bale of hay. Why? Because it's just fit, innit?

No, it's fine. It is. It feels like a Playboy theme. Don't look. You can look at me like I'm weird all you want because you have this fucking weird thing where you can't admit that things are good because you've got this

like persona to live up to at the end of the day we're all into weird shit and this is mine and I don't believe any of you wouldn't like this if you turned up

if you got home tonight and like in your back garden Laura got loads of better say and she was sat there in a fucking New Orleans Saints top

with a fucking air rifle some nice glasses on and she was like oh Dan you're home from podcasting why don't you come and give mama some bullets

you're telling me that you wouldn't be like I'm into it do you know what I just want normal sex she can spend a lot less money yeah and yeah

just any sex I just like a shag my wife is a weirdly brilliant shot we've done air rifle shooting isn't she Northern Irish she's Northern Irish and I promise you this happened

we're in the south of France and she shoots the balloon gets all the balloon we did an affair in the south of France years ago and the guy went Irish to her

so they have a reputation hey did you fucking know no but it's unbelievable but no but she's like a natural shot and when we've done we've gone

never leave her Hal never leave I'm never gonna mess with her we went shooting in Japan and she won and her mum's Irish must be it's weird

the Irish we shouldn't do stereotypes about terrorism no we've got loads of people that watch in Ireland maybe just they are

well they're very farming no I know that's a general mate if you live in fucking Belfast right now you'll be like yeah we're really

in a farming round here yeah I know I'm the person I spend quite a lot of time in Ireland so it's very silly of me to make

offensive comments oh that was funny right let's have a little word from a sponsor and then we'll be back so we've got a brand new sponsor from a sponsor and then we'll be back.

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forgot that you can edit this so we of course oh it's live it's going if this was live streamed we'd have been cancelled a long time ago oh sorry i keep having interesting questions it is because i've been in the car for a long time go are you terrified of the idea of live TV? Well, it's not terrifying. I'm very fortunate now that we have the following that this podcast does because if I get in trouble for something, I can't talk explicitly about it on this. I'll talk to you afterwards, and I will talk about it more on a Patreon episode.

But I had a little problem earlier this year. Contractually, basically, I'd put a joke out on the internet, and someone I was in a professional relationship with would take that down, and I said, no, I'm not setting that precedent. The freedom of this podcast, if something's funny on this, we say it, and that's why it's doing well, because our listeners are like, it's like two mates in a the pub so i'm not terrified of it because i feel like

anyone who follows me and likes me if i said something wrong on live tv they'd love it even more yeah no but that is that is the thing is just of accepting it i've spent so i think i was listening to it to the the is to the Ishan episode. Yeah. And there was a moment that I went, God, that's so true, of you think most comics, and I did this, of being very good and very nice. And then you reach a point in your career, you go, oh, fuck it. I just want to say what I want to say. You've started like that.

Oh, no, Dan, you were talking about it, Dan, that you have censored yourself and you're trying to censor yourself less now. I think this has given me almost like the platform to just the platform to just go oh this is actually my sense of humor because i want to be employable on the circuit and the circuit hasn't come to see me the circuit is claire's birthday it's a work to do from from fucking nando's or whatever and then all of a sudden they're like that's offensive and you're like but but adam do you do that thing of being you know saying outrageous things early in your career it's a very good move because old

thingy um you know um russell brand i remember watching him first doing uh big brother big brother's little brother or something yeah and i would go fuck who where did the balls come from to do something so he would suddenly go as nature said and i'm going you're doing big brother's little brother and you're talking shit and it's so brave and i wish i just wish i'd been brave and really early in my career because i find now i'm brave that happened for me really in that regard is like the the two comics that made me want to do stand-up were jason manford and kevin bridges and i like they were my they were my gateway drugs into it. And I'd already watched like Richard Pryor and Peter Kay and Lee Evans before that

because my mum was a huge comedy fan. They got me into comedy. But then as I sort of developed as a comic, I started to discover a lot more American comedy. And my favourite American comedians are sort of, we've covered this a million times on this show, about like the comics who will say something that they don't necessarily believe,

but they've found an argument for it. I'm obsessed with like courtroom dramas and I love how a lawyer will defend a defendant even though he knows they're guilty because he can do it. So if I can pick the side of an argument and go, this is what I believe and here's how I can make it funny, even if I don't actually agree with it, I'll do it because it's that's better comedy to me is here's what i think and 200 people in the audience go no no no we don't like that and then five minutes later they can see where

you're coming from and they've laughed along the way i just i prefer that but also it's that relaxation of people seeing somebody being really true to themselves i think it's a i think i think that's the internet is the great, the end of the gatekeepers. So the BBC is paid for by the license fees and they have to read your script before they allow you to say these things.

The internet will kill the BBC. And I'm not even saying I don't respect the BBC for what they've achieved in broadcasting and everything. But that level, that set of rules for comedy is crippling. And that'll die away. And this is why this is exciting.

Because it feels like we're on the winning team early with this level of production. You can't say that. You can't say that. People are grown-ups. They don't want... They'll decide what they like and don't like. Oh, you couldn't possibly say that.

Because Marjorie from fucking Tewksbury isn't going to listen to this shit. Well, then she shouldn't listen. Well, I had that, but do you have that with that thing of how you want to be perceived? Because I realise I've got, you know, I've got lots of following from doing shows that were, like Live at the Apollo, which is all heavily edited,

or Bake Off Extra Slice and funny jokes about cakes and being sweet and all that. Not so edgy. Not so edgy in that demographic. But online, i'm getting much more political and much more unpleasant and i remember jason manford wrote something and some and i quite like saying something political and i lose fans i go that's good because i'm not weeding out people who disagree with me it's basically disagree with me with no sense of humor then you should go because i don't want you coming to my shows and going oh he's horrible about trump and all the rest and this woman said to jason manford i used to like hal crutton but

then i followed him on here and he's he's far too political and rude and i said i am not rude fuck you but but it was just that thing of of of when you're a younger comic and i still see it in young comics going hello i'm having a great time on the show and they're doing that and they and i know they will get older and reach points of going i wish i'd just been fucking that brave enough to go oh fuck this and be outrageous and because those are the people that become superstars that's why adam's gonna you can be a superstar it's a different era yeah yeah because i'm 87 it's a different era. And I think young comics look up and go, right, who do I want to be like? And if the acts look up and go,

oh, these guys are just saying what they want. I grew up in an era where you were like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Do you want to do this? Do you want to do that? You've got to please these gatekeepers. I think also- Now it's like, fuck, just do what you want.

At the root of it, what you're saying is a lot of comics early on, comics are two things. The first thing is that their people pleases or they want to be so they lean towards that because that's the safest thing but really as well we all all just want to be ourselves and be told that it's okay because when you go on stage with a false persona this is certainly what was happening to me i was doing stories that weren't true that i just made up and it's getting a big laugh.

But I'm like, well, that's not really true. But then when I go on stage, I go, here's what I think. It's self-obsession. I want to hear my own opinions and get laughs for it. And those jokes, you only need to get a 7 out of 10 for that to feel better than a 10 out of 10 laugh for something that is not actually real. We are.

This is the most self-obsessed job. This is why when people talk about retraining, I can't do anything else because I am, I believe, the only job I can do is stand on stage and talk about myself and express my opinions. I'm the most self-obsessed person in the world. I can't prove that because when other people talk, I don't really listen.

But there is nothing else i couldn't be uh i i was i was saying i couldn't be a police officer because i'd be going where were you on the night of the murder i know where i was i was in a lovely little all-you-can-eat place or a doctor going i don't think you'd live but i don't think you live past april which is incidentally when i'll be in tuscany but this is seriously true this is how bad my self-obsession is i um uh did i uh my dream and i know this is i don't know if you can you have a similar thing like this uh my dream as a comic very and has been for quite a long time, was to get to do the sad stuff from Africa on Comic Relief. And I know,

but I, and I have said that to audiences and people go, fuck, it was, I think I was watching Ed Byrne. I was watching a,

a Bake Off Does Extra Slice a few years ago and they went, and I realised how much I want to do this when they went, now we're going to Ed Byrne who's in Malawi

and I literally went, fuck, Ed's got Malawi. And I, I was in that moment malawi but i was saying but i know if i made it to that level i would have i wouldn't be able to control my my glee at being and i would be standing there going well i'm standing here my street children yeah exactly i'm here you're white city i know standing here about street children of Uganda I don't think British people

understand how massive a break this is move out the way kids you're blocking the shot please Mr. Hal

I'm hungry never mind that you're really in get out the way lad I've just had another date in Torquay

look hungry this is going to go over really well mate that's fucking brilliant is that what defines those comics that we are is every i mean is there a comic that isn't massively self-obsessed no religious ones no no no let me tell you what i think about it sometimes sometimes when we're doing bits like we are literally having a conversation and then you can like we've we've got the reps on this now we're 120 records in we've probably done

200 hours of podcasting maybe this year and there are bits where you're like i just want to say what i'm going to say and i and i know him well enough i know when he's not there and he's thinking and i think he knows it's i've been sitting here doing that. You've been saying this, I've gone, oh, I've got a little story. Oh, no, no, they've gone past it. Where was the story I had? It's just an actual thing. I'm watching all three of you do it.

I want to talk. He wants to talk. He wants to talk. We literally... Never mind you. Is this what... I do, but I do find it... I like being around comments, because I do think there's a level of honesty about what wankers we are.

I don't think anybody's pretending. Yes, there you go. But I hate that that doesn't extend beyond the green room. In a green room, most comics are dead sound, dead honest. And I like the sort of brute nature we were talking before about, like, when you're on a bill and you see an absolute murderer that you've got to follow and you go, well, I'm not going to win tonight. I'm going to be second because that guy's going to win because he's got the easiest spot and he's fucking brilliant it's like me and dan tonight yeah are you in the middle tonight no i'm comparing oh you're comparing i'll host i'll still be hard i'll host you on beautifully but like in a green room

and like in a setting like this where we're just together but i hate that faux humbleness that comics put on social media it like when people are in edmund they're like oh i'm just so happy that my little show that is just a humble little thing in this 50 seater room that i've paid 12 grand for pr4 and i've got 3 000 posters everywhere i'm just so grateful for the support that is definitely not bought and paid i'm just really great and i'm humble and oh who'd have thought little old me who's just done have i got news for you and live the apollo and qi and no one believed in me apart from several tv producers in the last 18 months did you stop quoting my twitter but it's so true because that it's that thing oh i'm because you can see you can see

it in the eyes of comics when they get breaks of going oh i can't you know i can't believe this is happening but actually the thing that we all have is we don't i don't think many comics think i'm actually the best in the world right now we think we could potentially be brilliant and i still at 51 i still think when i hit 60 i'm going to be fucking special and I think I think so I don't think it's that arrogant it is actually just going

I don't think I'm brilliant now I just think I've got the potential to be weird when does it go though when does it go when you're 75 going it's got to happen

soon honestly if I can I haven't got in enough name drops on this show yeah you've just been like little jabbing them in when I was talking

Montreal 2008 oh darling I was compared by Joan Rivers on the Montreal Gala. Yeah. There she is. And she was mid-70s at the time. It's weird that because Birmingham Comedy Loft 2018, I was compared by Eddie Murphy, actually.

You were really? I do believe you. No, Eddie Murphy did not perform at the Comedy Loft in Birmingham. I honestly thought he might have been doing no okay good um but i sorry in my world to see it's not funny to name drop when it's not true uh because because it really could be true no but no but but and i thought and i i remember thinking i hadn't seen her for a few years i think i'd see she'd done a live with apollo a few years before i thought she's comparing this oh you know that on and off she's got she's

mid to late 70s and she was like she was devastatingly good she was the best act by far she was doing montreal stuff she was so fucking on it and really sweet woman as well really lovely she was back so she's like even that great if nobody died it's fantastic and she was out there just bang bang bang and it made me it inspired me made me go just keep going because if you can just keep alive and standing up and be able to speak i comics get george burns wasn't he like 90 these are these are generational talents like there's a reason a fucking joan rivers is on our wall these are generational talents that that didn't do gigs that made them hate comedy this is my big thing about where we're going, my career's going.

Adam and I have got different career trajectories. I just want to get to a point where I can say no to those ones where I know that kind of gig. The ones where it's just badly run, the lighting, sound, shit, the promoter doesn't give a fuck, the bills crap, people are knobheads because they're selling tickets to idiots on Groupon.

I don't want to do those gigs anymore. If you can weed those out, I think you could get to 75. Because you'd be like, I love stand-up. I love doing stand-up. As long as you don't have those soul-destroying nights

where you're like, what am I doing here? This is grim. That's, I think, that's how you keep going. Because, yeah, Joan Rivers was massive by the time she was my age.

She was already big. If you hate corporates, don't do corporates if you hate comparing stop comparing like just weed out the things that make you not love it surely that's the way the thing is i you i don't i mean i love corporates and again i don't want to fuck up my corporate billing uh bookings but um you like money i do i did quite a lot of corporates certainly before lockdown i would do the last few years i've had a lot of corporates, certainly before lockdown. The last few years, I've had a lot of corporates. It was one of my biggest money earners were corporates.

And I said to my sister once, I was moaning about how hard I worked for the family, going, I wouldn't do these corporates if it wasn't for them. And she went, but actually, corporates do make you a better comic as well because they do make you deal with difficult crowds. So if you just do lovely art centers on your tours i think you also get worse so i think the thing is yeah it's true circuit comics are really good

because they're dealing constantly with people that don't care about them we talk about and yeah and comics get a bit worse stephen grant once said to me um stephen grant great comic from brighton brighton theme um uh he stephen grant said to me i don't think comics are better than when they're top of the circuit and then they leave and they never get as good because they get big and famous half hour level we mentioned it just recently

Flanagan, Peter Kay when they get to that point where they're just about to go but they're still circuit sharpened like all the weaponry is razor sharp because they're playing Friday night here. All the weaponry is razor sharp because they're playing Friday night here, Saturday night there. It's why American comics,

we've said it a million times on here, but it's why American comics at the top level are so much further ahead than our top level, I think. Because again, we've talked, Bill Bear taped his special in London. Two weeks later,

he was at the comedy store in LA and he's doing new stuff because he's straight back in and his stuff before it goes on to his hour long tours and that American model of you want to try new stuff

get in the club you want a new bit get in the club don't book an art centre and fill it full of people who love you go to the people who are just like

it's 17 it's $27 tonight and I don't know who's on yeah that's why we're doing Manchester tonight isn isn't it? Exactly.

Just because we just want to give the fans a little surprise. Oh, my God, Dan Nightingale and Hal Cruttenden. I slightly took this gig tonight. I mean, yeah, I'm doing things just to keep gigging, just to keep going. It's COVID rules, Hal. I'd play your garage for 25 quid at the moment. Exactly. But also, I quite like the fact of being able to say i drove to manchester well don't drove to runcorn

did a podcast drove to manchester did a gig then drove home tonight because i'm saving money on a hotel and i feel quite heroic doing that because lots of people that's a very long for comedians it's like my daughter's in leeds my wife wife, I will drive her up, drop her off and drive home again. My wife will drive her up and have to stay over because it's so stressful to me. I don't want to make a fuss about it because obviously she's got, she's a very good shot. But she literally finds it so stressful, that long drive. She couldn't do it back in one day. Five hours before you need a break.

Shall we do what the podcast is about? Is that what we're trying to get to? What, two and a half hours into the podcast? Should we do the feature? Am I longer than... I do talk a lot. It's been great. It's been a pleasure.

I think it's my ADHD thing. Can I play the theme tune? It's trying to have a world with Adam and Dan Tell us all the problems I still love it, man. This is living in all of your minds rent-free. It's not COVID because I have had COVID.

Right, it's fine. You've already had it? I can't see a panic. I had it right at the beginning. Was it bad for you? I quite, I weirdly enjoyed it. Well, I don't usually get ill. And I don't.

I literally will get 24 hours in bed and this was like eight nine days in bed uh i didn't the cough wasn't actually that bad i had my covid cough um i got lots of looking after and my temperature was through the roof and i was almost a bit trippy it was really weird i remember lying there going who is putting the heating on this high i was just i found it extraordinary the temperature that one night um and i know i had it because i've had a test for it and i've donated plasma from having it one night um dawn my wife phoned nhs one yeah you you have blood taken out of your arm and they take the plasma from the blood put blood back in it's really weird process and then they give it to

people who've suffered from covid and they think It was one of the treatments Trump had, I think. And your plasma, the antibodies in your plasma help people who have it. Is that type of plasma anything to do with plasma tellies? No. Not even remotely. Yes, I made plasma tellies from my plasma. But do you like blood...

I don't want to show off about it, but I didn't even like blood tests before and I was shitting. I was going, this is going to... What if the machine goes wrong and just drains me i have this terror someone's just gonna start checking twitter and then exactly or i also thought what if you get the psycho nurse on you he's like yeah hello nurse shipment medical family um but you know but um you know you do have that you do have that thing of just thinking, I hate that. And actually, when you go in there, if anybody has had COVID, quick advert, do donate plasma because it's so safe.

I said to my wife, I still hate having a blood test, but I'm frightened. I'm not at a level where I would be happy with an amateur injecting me with heroin or something down a back alley, but I still don't mind. One of those amateur smack heads rather than the world series i mean if you hate injections or blood going into or needles into veins it's so nice when it's professional i don't know how you get to the level of going my mate jack he'll do i don't think if you're thinking about trying heroin you're like i would do this but you're not even trained exactly exactly am i gonna do diy heroin that would bother the hell out of me because they're not it's not their medical have you have you got any

lingering covid stuff have you have had any of the no i've had no no not really i just i i uh literally that one night when she phoned uh nhs 111 and the doctor said yeah this temperature's really out of control. So she had to get up every two hours and take my temperature. I just think that was beyond the call of duty. But no, I... Did your wife then get it? No.

No, which is indicative of the state of our marriage. I'll put this. We are less close than Donald and and melania they both got it even taking your temperature she never got it no she was she did cover her she did wear a mask and she was really careful but i even once did cough in her face i didn't know a cough because the thing with that coffee is you're just talking and suddenly go and just and you just caught it i just found it just catches. It's that sort of weird cough. And I coughed right in her face.

And I went, I'm so shit. So I was thinking, what if she now dies? She's so hard. She doesn't need, just, I'm not fucking bothered. But women just don't get it the same way men do. They don't seem to get it as badly. Oh, COVID. You can get it badly,

but generally it's middle-aged tubby men like me and Boris Johnson. Great! You are not tubby, are you? Oh, come on. It's getting there. You're showing the face, though.

That's why you're very lucky. Thanks, babe. You look like a bowling pin. You're so complimentary. It's from money. That's fine. You can tell he's from money. Good stuff.

Oh, no, you're wonderful. Oh, no, you're not tubby. You're lovely. It's wonderful. Your accents are just thoroughly entertaining. Where do you find hats that fit you?

We've had two have a word submissions. Well, we've had loads, but you've picked two. Yeah, I've picked two. So, hello, lids. Can you have a word with my sister? She's threw her dummy out the pram because she's got a new girlfriend and has been with her for six months or so.

Now, her birthday's just been and I've got no pictures of my sister with her new girlfriend and has been with her for six months or so now her birthday's just been and i've got no pictures of my sister with her new girlfriend so i took an old picture from my sister's wedding of her and her ex-wife and photoshopped the new girlfriend's face on her ex-wife's face oh fuck they've now both deleted me off facebook and are having a sulk about it tell her to grow up and take a joke cheers lids lids. So, Hal, do you think that this lad, who... Do you understand what he did? Yeah. Do you think what he did should be taken as a joke?

Do you think it should be fine? Or do you think maybe his sister's got a point? Like, for example... What's he implying? Touchy lesbians? Bloody hell, they're so touchy! But they're usually not. They're usually quite solid, tough uh but i'm shit oh shit i got excited i got excited by the political incorrectness of this podcast um no they're

not they're love i'm i actually say anything about the fucking lesbians mate they're quite robust i love lesbians i really i always make a fucking joke no but i've i've always sorry that's huge stereotype of course it is how but i used to trade on huge stereotypes but i i used to go down quite well with lesbians in the chat no but not in that way but um that just there was a gay club in london that simon do you remember simon happily happily yours i'm simon happily i'm happily yours um he looks like just jack out of um you know yeah yeah out of that thingy will and grace and um he so he used to run this gig at bar comedy camp and i would always be billed as the campus straight man in

london and i'd walk out on stage go and every time i literally go i'm not that camp am i in a whole room of gay and lesbian people would go yes you are but i always did well with lesbian i just i think they just think i'm as you know i'm not as big as i actually i honestly think if your comedy goes down well with gay people and lesbians and people from ethnic minorities it's because your comedy's not fucking horrible and douchey it shows you're failing on a certain level i really i love it i love it manchester got a huge gay population and i love it when you play to like gay couples at the front or there's a it's great and you're like oh yeah this works this my comedy works because you know no one's victimized in my comedy like also like just to do a positive stereotype from my experience

people from the lgbt community have got such a strong sense of humor that they tend not to get very offended by anything even humor at their expense like i've told this story before i think but i've got a routine which fucking every single one of our listeners probably sick of me talking about the victoria's secret routine which is about them i of our listeners is probably sick of me talking about. The Victoria's Secret routine, which is about them... I've never heard of it. ...saying that they'd never have a fat or a transgender model, and I did it, and there was a woman with blue hair, middle-class white woman at the store in London.

It was like, this is so offensive, it's really transphobic. And a trans woman shouted, well, I'm trans, and I think you're a fucking idiot, shut up. And I've got that footage, and it just... Because of the zoom on the camera, it's just not quite worth putting out, so that's why I put a different version out but yeah it's the carons in it it's all the fucking like wallflowers but that's always the problem with with being offensive it's usually other people i remember doing a gig in um cheltenham on my tour and i said uh

i said this is a very white room and as i said said that, I saw a black woman. And being really... I went, oh, a black woman. Which is really... And I promise you, and she looked back at me, and I honestly said, is it tough being black in Cheltenham? And her timing was beautiful. She just went, it is now.

I was like, hey! That was class. That was absolute. But you do... It's precision. It's just the comedian mind working, isn't it? When you're like, oh, it's very white. Oh, it's not very white.

And then you've, oh my God. But it is that thing of people, when you're joking or pointing something out, other people, they're sort of trying to hide their own phobias or their own bigotry by being all very... It's like when my grandparents would meet. I remember a black friend coming to my house at a christmas party and my grandparents were like oh hello lovely to meet you how lovely they were so excited

because they're actually really quite racist and they really thought i'm meeting a black person and i think that there is that thing isn't there and you can see that in certain certain country areas certain parts of the country where there's there's not many different races everybody's more tense and wanting to be nicer because they know i like subtle homophobia watching subtle homophobia so now when people are like oh my god i'm gay now genuinely then as a nation we're so used to like the entertainment sector feeding us that's what a gay man looks like people are like yeah i like gays you know and you're like in the small village right yeah we're fine with gays but they don't like it when someone's like hi yeah i'm i'm my name's dave and this is my husband rich and they're like huh yeah you're not gay you're not

gay alan carr's a gay what kind of fucking gay are you he's called fucking rich don't seem very gay to me like that's a new layer of homophobia to deal with when you're like well if you're not gonna fucking flounce around

I mean you're not even earning my respect yeah don't stick fucking photoshop pictures on anyone's face

so if like for your and Laura's anniversary if I got a moon card moon pig card printed

and it was you and Laura but i replaced i used i did some digging found laura and her ex-boyfriend and just put your face on him would that bother you derrick we call him derrick he comes up he was a bellend was he really called derrick no he wasn't oh but it's like the little thing name we've got for him he was such a rat mate like a long and laura looks back and goes i can't believe i was with this fucking ballon for so long but he has really made my life easier because every time i'm not just a massive horrible cunt she's like well you're doing all right that is true you're doing

all right yeah i'm i use that yeah i don't think it'd go well. Just with present ideas. With Christmas coming up. Would it piss you off, though? No. No. When you got your ball out before, when we were doing promo, and I was trying to record an advert, he got his testicle out and flicked it at me. That, I nearly lost my temper.

But with that Photoshopping, yeah. I do think there is a problem. I don't want to cause extra problems for the sister. If she's sensitive about that, there's a problem. I don't want to cause extra problems for the sister. If she's sensitive about that, there's a problem in our current relationship. That's what I reckon. If you're that sensitive, I think it's a major... I think it's, you know, I say that as, you know...

Maybe she's still in love with an ex. Yes. I don't think this is an isolated incident. I think this guy has photoshopped a picture, gone, I'm doing a joke. I'll love to have a word. I'm fucking... I'll write in and tell them. I don't think this is the first instance of bellendery

that he's fucking, yeah. So I think it might be. So they're just fed up with him. I mean, he's one of ours. You can tell he's one of ours. And I love him, but I don't think this is, what have I ever done before? I think if the sister wrote in,

we'd have an itemised list of fuckwittering. Good one, though. Sorry, Lyd, we're not on your side on this one, but... I am. I think what you did was funny. Adam, of course Adam is. Well, yeah, I'm up for any joke, do you know what I mean? She needs to fucking wise up, doesn't she?

Yeah. She just needs to chill out. No one likes a fucking uptight lesbian. Be sound. I want a sound lesbian. That's the end of the trailer, that. I've laughed a lot today.

Got one more? My rib cage is hurting, yeah. All right, lads, please settle a currently family argument. What's lids?

Lids is like scouse for lads. Oh. Was that just deliberately to be different? Sort of, yeah. Just say lads. Oh, right, okay. Well, that's not going to go down well on Twitter, mate.

I can't bear that kind of affected, oh, we're different here. Hal doesn't mind pissing off scouses. Have you been to Newcastle and Bontine? What's this voice you're doing? How weigh the lads? Silly talk properly properly my goodness me didn't you do a routine in liverpool about how you should net like you can't get your head around anyone picking evidence

it's not even a route it's not even a route sorry but it's not even a routine because it's just i still i genuinely feel it i feel if you're from Liverpool and you have a choice, and I know you're an Everton fan, aren't you? I don't know why you'd support Everton, particularly the charisma, the strip of Liverpool. I don't know enough about football, I must admit, but they always seem to have all the charismatic, great players from the past. They've got the great history.

I'm old enough to remember the late 70s and turning on TV, Liverpool were in a final and they'd just always win it you just go we would have been in the mall but something happened but the line is born not manufactured so what you said then was, if you've got the choice

Everton fans don't have the choice, you're born into a family isn't there some people that are born on the ground so they were born into it, they were dragged into it this is so, hello you're all the north to me but the grounds are really near each other so it's family based my grandad was an Everton fan

so I'm an Everton fan it's just the way it is I don't get to choose but you know Chris Cairns isn't he Liverpool's wife's Everton or is it the other way round I know he's a Liverpool fan I've been born in my grandad was an Everton fan is the other way around? I know he's a Liverpool fan. That's allowed.

I've been born in. Oh, right. My grandad's an Everton fan. I don't get a choice. All right. So you're, but you're angry really because you're stuck.

You're stuck with the unfashionable. I'm on top of the league. I'm on top of the league. See, the thing is, I'm not even watching football and it's true. I love your approach

where you're like, why would you not just pick, they've got a bigger stand and they've got better facilities and oh oh red is red's my colour it brings my skin out it's Dalglish

it's Emlyn Hughes it's that old you know going back and even you know it's it I don't know I just find the Liverpool team

yeah but ever in the 80s we were a big team how few years have you seen like you know normally you know we get emails about his sultry voice and it's fucking gone it's gone from

yeah I'm Carl South Liverpool Ringo Starr Thomas the wank engine and now he's like hey listen up everyone it's me

usually he's like save it for the pod now he's like do you want to shut the fuck up yeah it's born not manufactured look at his fucking language what you said then

was like if you've got the choice you don't get the choice okay it's just you are a red you are a blue the ones who do choose they can fuck off they're the worst they're it's just you are you are a red you are the blue the

ones who do choose they can fuck off they're the worst they're not proper fans actually today i'm a liverpool fan how angry is yeah you're in a mood all right you'd really enjoy this no but i did a similar thing i did i mean i've never been a proper football fan because my dad used to take me to rugby lot but i did used to go occasionally i where i grew up in london my nearest team is brentford and i'm a qPR fan because they're a little bit down the road Shepherds Bush and I'm not even a proper QPR fan I now live in North London and somebody took me to Spurs quite a few times I quite like Spurs so I'm pathetic in that way I just I like a good game football and QPR as I was like QPR are like me they've had a lot of money put into them they

have never really produced and um and I just you know i just think that so i've done the same thing i was a qpr fan because in 1975 when i was five years old first game i went to my dad took me beat everton five nil and went top of the old first division and that season 75 76 sorry this is just boring they came second only to liverpool so it was like my so i it's because i'm so old my school was literally QPR or Liverpool like the way people see Carl talks a good game but in 2005

when Liverpool won the Champions League he did go to the parades to celebrate oh you did of course I did it was my city my brother's a Liverpool fan oh

your brother is we've got different he didn't know that so he's a Liverpool fan he said like come along it's history for the city and I was like

yeah of course I was only a kid I was only a kid closet red, soldier down the fucking river there, you closet red. How much actual violence... Sorry, you're trying to finish this show. No, it's fine. How much violence is there between Liverpool Everton fans? There isn't a lot, is there?

It's not a lot of violence, but, like, people say it's the friendly derby. It's got a bit eggy recently, hasn't it? The last ten years. It's not that. It is friendly because scousers can take the piss out of each other and not make it real. Yeah. Soers can take the piss out of each other and not make it real so I can take the piss

out of him and someone else watching is like fucking hell but it is friendly it's me taking the piss and I'm not arsed it's not religious

and there's households there's families with reds and blues isn't there so it's not yeah so it used to be the only derby

that wasn't segregated. Yeah. But that's changed now though, hasn't it? No, not really. Well, obviously nothing. You still see, like, if there was, so Liverpool play Everton tomorrow, and if fans were allowed in, and let's just say right now it's fucking ridiculous that they're not at the minute,

you would see a couple of, is it at Goodison tomorrow? Goodison tomorrow, yeah. So you would see a couple, you wouldn't see them in the Gladys Street end? It used to be no away end, didn't it? It was the only league fixture that didn't have an away end in home. That's before our time. That's long before our time. Oh, sorry.

So I thought it was non-segregated. But when I had a season ticket in the Gladys Street, which is like our main... It's like where the fans sit, like the real fans. And I was at the Derby once at the derby once and there was a Liverpool fan and their couch scored a penalty and he celebrated and before the Blues

could get to him the steward came over and went lad just get up just for your own safety just leave because you're going to get punched maybe I'm making it up I was like in my head the Liverpool derby 10 years ago was like, we are the world. We are the people. And Adam's there going,

fucking dirt cold. In the main stand, yeah. Sexy bastards. In all the sanitised stands, yeah. But in the fucking real fans, no. Yeah. The last football match I went to, because I'd literally go with friends and go,

I've got a spare ticket, last minute. So I've been a lot to Spurs, then I fell out with that friend, and then I had an Arsenal friend, and we're just near where i live and last last game i went to no i'm terrible i really i'm really the worst kind of oh football it's so interesting because my my psycho thing is rugby i'm a big saracens fan and everybody hates us we are like man you know we've broken the rules of salary cap we're all fucked anyway but i love I'm really into that and and the last go into was Arsenal Spurs and I being a rugby fan so enjoyed it not just because I was with Arsenal people and secret

Spurs won 2-0 it was a couple years ago um and I and I secretly prefer them but there was some really good fighting proper fighting broke out in the ground there were police there I was like not even facing the bitch no I know this sounds really terrible we were in a little box okay because this friend of mine's a bit loaded and they were and i just i you missed that at rugby rugby there's kind of bitchiness but that abuse and they're hating each other and i know it's terrible football but it is entertaining to watch it's entertaining to see oh my god he's you know and the abuse of players and i go i i hate it's terrible football but it is entertaining to watch it's entertaining to see oh my god and the abuse of players

and I go I hate it at rugby I get so angry if people behave like that football it is part of it it's great I went to Arsenal

when Rob Beckett I got Rob Beckett's season ticket for the match it was Arsenal Fulham about five years ago Chris Martin comedian Chris Martin

took me down he was like Beckett's I didn't think you were going with the lead singer to call a play he was in Australia and he was like look you took me down. He was like, Beckett's all... I didn't think you were going with the lead singer to Coldplay. He was in Australia and he was like, look, you can have the ticket. I was like, brilliant.

It was Fulham and we were near the away corner. And in my head, I was like, well, Fulham are like, yeah, we're in London, but we're kind of all right. It's just Fulham to me is just dead middle class, not really proper. I was like, Arsenal will be like, yeah, it's the Fulham fans, but it's just a little local derby. And when it started getting eggy i was like oh are you like it's fucking edgy football everywhere is edgy you think arsenal tottenham's going to be proper rivalry yeah the fullham fans i was like what are you angry about they were fucking fuming

there's no ciabatta do you know do you know you're Fulham don't you I'll fucking murder you and then get an Uber I would love to go to an old firm game

in Glasgow wouldn't you I would love to go with you to an old firm game because I would you know when you're like oh god I'm English

at the old firm if I was stood next to you I'd be less in less danger it's true it's true it's true the fuck is this by the way like oh my god

it's me it's like when I did I did hit him again go on it's so much fun to watch anyway I did the Belfast Empire once

the comedy club in Belfast and like notoriously it's harder for English acts there and they normally at a maximum have one English act on the bill but there was two so it was me and I won't name the comic but someone from down south and they normally at a maximum have one English act on the bill but there was two so it was me

and I won't name the comic but someone from down south and they opened and I was closing and when they fucking English bastards get off our fucking stage

horrendous set and then when I walked on they'd sort of got over that because they were like not quite as bad sort of got a bit of the Celtic in them

but there's only one left we can't be we can't be mean to this one as well I'm rude that's the thing You're like, not quite as bad. Sort of got a bit of the Celtic in him. Well, there's only one left. We can't be mean to this one as well. I'm ruder. That's the thing. The best thing is to be ruder. Yeah. I love doing a gig in Belfast.

Because I've got a way in with my wife being Northern Irish. So I've got all those Northern Irish jokes. But I do that thing of going, my wife is Northern Irish. So I do come here a lot more than I'd really like to. That scrabble I've just it's reminding me of some of your old stuff fucking great stuff when I first saw you

yeah marching round the house yeah sorry is that a pod Adam? I think it is a pod you've got a podcast starting soon I believe is that not like today

it's not even got a title but it's got it's hopefully it is starting very soon. It's me and Dan Skinner, you know, Angelos Epithamiu. Yeah. I'm sorry.

I'm terrible. Cause he's a lot more than that. He's, I love that character. That's his well-known character. And it is us talking about rugby and it's just everything about rugby. And where's it's going to happen, but you ain't at the title of it.

So just look out, just put Hal Cruttenden. What is your social media media are they all just at how crutted yeah at how crutted instagram which i don't do enough at h crutted or is h crutted okay and i can't get a blue tick because someone's taken how crutted and all have you got a blue tick on instagram i have yeah how did you sorry i had those people i had a social media manager get in touch and she did that for me because i just tried to do it and they went, no. And I'm going, it's because someone else has taken Hellcrotten. Anyway.

Yeah. I think you should tell the... When you're at the old firm, I think you should tell the Glaswegian fucking crowd about this. Guys, I know you hate each other, but have you got a blue tick? Imagine, though, if the chart starts, give Hal a blue

give hal a blue dick i always go belfast if i go sorry but i literally sorry old for my brother-in-law who is from dairy and he's a hardcore uh rangers fan and a bit orange order and i'd be a sweet man but he's yeah is he from l Derry well he says London he gets angry when I say Derry but I I'm in run corn I can say whatever I want to I'm safe

but but he did and he does sometimes still go to Matt so he probably he could probably get me in

with a whole load of hard wee prod fucking I mean I mean we're vlogging that yeah it would be great I should record it

shouldn't I I should get on that anyway we'll put it on our Patreon page give it a follow give Hal a follow and he's got a rugby podcast

coming up man it's been a pleasure it's been an absolute pleasure please go and follow Hal Cruttenden on all social media he's got a lot of Live the Apollo

McIntyre's Roadshow sorts of things on YouTube if you want to go and check his stand up out he's on television all the time if you love this podcast and you want more,

go to patreon.com slash have a weird pod. You get an extra episode every week. You get 24 to 48 hours early access to all these public episodes, discounts on merch, all that sort of shit. Discount on guns. And if you need a speedboat in six hours,

I'm your fucking nan. I'm your nan. Did you just say I'm your nan? That's a mean new phrase. I'm not six hours. I'm your fucking nan. I'll, er... I'm your nan. Did you just say, I'm your nan? I'm your nan. That's a mean new phrase. I'm not going to say, I'm your man anymore. I'm your nan. She's a late, dirty bitch.

You are, though. We figured out Dan's nan. Oh, no. We're close. No. Cha. Throughout her whole life, sat on almost 190 miles of cock.

Like, accumulatively. Anyway, thanks for watching, guys. Thanks, Hal. We'll see you soon we'll see you guys bye Felicia ciao