Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #91 with Freddy Quinne - IN STUDIO - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: October 26, 2020

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Thanks so much for downloading the Have A Word podcast. We really appreciate it. This is the public episode. It goes out every Monday. Did you know we do an extra episode? It comes out every Wednesday. It's the Patreon exclusive. So to become a patron, to essentially subscribe to the podcast,

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Really appreciate it. Now now i'm getting the word nuts oh you think darkness is your ally you merely adopted the dark i was born in it molded by it who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? When she pick it up every time she starts to talk, give her the dick. Disgusting! She'll be like, hello. What I'm doing? This is when you get it.

What I'm doing? Oh, none. Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios, hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England, these are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube. Ja! Upset me!

Don't be a rat. Download, subscribe and tell a friend. It's the one and only. Have a word. Is there any dance and drum kids at your school? Nope. We were just, you know, on the Patreon episode, we were talking about the two dance and drum kids at our school. Yeah. We remembered on the way, yeah.

What's that? I was just turning my phone off because usually Freddie Quinn tries to ring yeah mid pod um i'm being a pro we uh yeah we were just talking on the way here because uh there was a kid in our school called uh let's just call him james and he was dancing drum and in our school on the yard right there was do you know what short tennis is no it's wooden bats tennis with wooden bats that you would make yourself yeah you'd make your own

wooden paddle bats and you'd like or they made them in the your school was so working class in the DT department you'd buy them for a five

but then you could paint them so you'd put a Nike dick on it got a fucking Nike bat do you know what I mean you definitely had it you fucking what. Got a fucking Nike bat. Do you know what I mean? You definitely had it.

You fucking watched that? Look, Coxsportive. Made it yourself. You drilled holes in it to make it faster. Yeah. To get more wind. Yeah. Well, that's actually good science, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, I like it. And at the end of every year, there was a school-wide short tennis tournament. I honestly thought you were going to say massive BDSM paddling. How was a school in Liverpool? You literally tell the stories about your school. I'm like, fuck me.

It sounds like The Ultimate Fighter or something. And they were like, yeah, lads, make your own fucking weapons. You need fucking holes in it because it goes faster and it leaves a lovely mark on their fucking ass so a short tennis comp yeah so a short tennis court is sort of like the reverse

of a tennis court so the you know the boxers that are at the front of a tennis court near the net they're at the back and you serve to the back

of the court rather than to the front you serve underarm right and the net in the middle to the back of the court rather than to the front right and you serve underarm right right and the net in the middle like for the most of the school year

was just all your mates backpacks they made the net so the net was a different item but then for the tournament like a wall of backpacks

yeah but then for the tournament they got real nets out because the school got a bit of funding from the EU right and

at the end of the year every year had their own tournament and the winners of each year tournament would play each other in the playoffs and you'd be like king within the year you wouldn't play a lower year you would in the finals

so if the year 7 winner went up against the year 8, the year 9, the year 10 and 11 winner winner stays on? no, like knockout tournaments. Oh, right. Great. And so I got to the semifinals in year 7 or year 8.

And then I got to the semifinals. I was quite good at short tennis. I really was. Was that pretty much, was that the highlight of your sporting career at school? Pretty much, yeah. Because you said that and you're like, I don't want to joke about this, but I got to the semifinals, Dan. Have you heard about it? I was knocked out by Adam Black,

who went on to play professional football in America. I honestly thought you were going to say professional tennis. He went on to play Djokovic, Federer, Blackie. But there was a gay lad in our year as well called Michael. You need to learn to not put names. Why? I know Michael he's dead sound

well the point is the Down Syndrome lad knocked Michael into the tennis tournament oh yeah my god and there was a crowd

honestly yeah like genuinely in my head obviously it's slightly a confabulated memory no shit all your memories

are pretty mental as I remember it we're in front of the cop. Was it Anfield? Loads of bags. Kenny Dalglish, his bag was on the top. I think that's right. And then Phil Babb played a Down syndrome kid who could fly.

James the Down syndrome lad. Is that better than using his name? James against Michael. Yeah, just James. Is that better than using his name? James against Michael. Their match genuinely had, in my head, the entire school, including all the teachers. Like, this court is like the gap between me and Kyle. That's the court, do you know what I mean? But surrounding it.

No shit, because obviously this was quite big news, but it's almost like, you know, in fights when they do build ups and like Eddie Hearn and all those guys they want characters to build up don't they two good boxes is one thing like oh yeah he plays short tennis he's from year 8 he's from year 9 they're incredibly matched but

in terms of promotion a gay kid against a lad with down syndrome mate that's like that's like 80s wrestling. The Sultan versus Hulk Hogan. That's amazing. Michael's nickname was Convertible Ed because his haircut was shit. Right.

Like he'd been in a convertible car on the way to school. Convertible Ed. Convertible Ed. Mate, it's funny, but it's not the most succinct nickname in ever, is it? Convertible Ed Convertible Ed Mate It's funny But it's not the most Succinct nickname In ever is it

Oh god How did the How did the match Is it Lovely lad I like Michael I went to little school With Michael as well

Good lad Do you remember The match I remember that I remember it As clear as I remember Istanbul By Michael

With 3-0 down. He beat him six games to nil. Yeah. It wasn't like... And James wasn't good. Michael was that bad. What the fuck? What happened to Michael?

Jesus Christ, that's like Germany-Brazil. Yeah. 2014. Do the picture of Bobby Moore when he's just won the World Cup. Huh? That's what happened at the end with James. He got picked up If you If you

If you didn't If you're not a patron Where are you? We mentioned at the start Of the episodes But Adam and Carl Were telling us about The lads

Who had Down Syndrome At the school Basically had protection From all the hard kids Yeah Because even though They were the fucking hard lads Yeah

They had morals They had ethics It wasn't even the hard lads. It was the bullies. We had cunts in our school. Like, cunts, bad people who just bullied people. But you didn't bully the downies. Do you know what I mean?

Love it. The only equivalent memory from my school is we were an all-boys C of E school, and then the sixth form had girls in like yours yeah when they played netball i think they played netball to a crowd bigger than most league one football fixtures there was there was 520 lads it was on the quad and they they practiced at lunchtime when we were all out you played netball on quads

they they practiced the netball on the quad outside the quad like the fucking you know

like the square area I thought you meant they were doing netball on quad bikes what what kind of gypsy grammar school do you think I went to

come on now girls get on the quad bike. That's the fucking ball, Moira. Look at Barbara, she's broken her fucking leg. Get up, Barbara, get on the quad. Can you not see my face now? By the way, I have now... That's a million dollar idea. Add quad bikes into regular sports.

Imagine how far you'd be able to throw it. Quad bike javelin. Mate. Go on. Imagine golf. Quad bike javelin. How is that the first sport that you came up with? Of all the sports, like quad bike rugby.

What about quad bike football? No, javelin. And then was it? And you'd have to put the brake on with the left and then let go. What about swimming? Quad bike football? No, javelin. And then was it? And you'd have to put the brake on with the left and then let go. What about swimming? Quad bike swimming? Well, now you're just being silly, because obviously that would be,

they'd be on jet skis, wouldn't they? Oh, yes. Olympic jets. Is jet skiing an Olympic sport? Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it is.

In Japan, 2022. All of those famous motorized sports are really big in Olympics. The fuck are you talking about? Jet ski. Unless we're talking like the Paralympics and they're like giving them a hand. Robot Wars. Like we said. Robot Water Wars.

Oh my God. Oh, that was fun. Oh, but the fucking net. Oh, there was a sixth form called Louisa, and she wore, like, pink hot pants under her skirt, and my God. Are you okay? You having a memory?

You having a flashback? I'm just having a thought. Go on. So, you mentioned the Paralympics. Yeah. Right. So... So, you know, like, Paralympics swimming. Why are you in a mood to make this a naughty one because i feel like it's him nudging

it towards like no i'm not i'm not trying to do that you don't want to just put this in the fairway today just because freddie's on you're like this one's going to be a special one oh you're like doing a happy gilmore off the tee like fucking three steps up i was doing that at the driving range a few weeks ago oh i'd love to do that when i wanted to split up with jay and i was trying to clear my head we went to the driving range and he didn ago oh I'd love to do that when I wanted to split up with Jay and I was trying to clear my head we went to the driving range and he didn't even

swing a club he was just like I'll just come with you lad and just watch ya and I was literally doing run up swings and I was they were better

than me actual strikes to be fair but my point is if you are in the Paralympics right so you're a swimmer yeah

but you've got no legs right it always comes back Adam's obsessed with this. Can I guess what you're going to say? How is it allowed if someone's got one leg? No, I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is,

you're allowed to obviously put fake legs on, but are you allowed to... What? Motorised? Yeah, are you allowed to motorise the legs? No. Could you imagine that at the Paralympics? Like, you all right, Brian? Yeah? You've done really well. You've trained for so long. I'm going to put motorise the legs? No. Could you imagine that at the Paralympics? Like, you alright Brian?

Yeah? You've done really well, you've trained for so long. I'm going to put you in the water now. Right, are you ready? Goggles on. Like getting his fucking,

right, go on. Like, why not? Because who gets to define what like, a fake leg is? I think it's the Olympic Committee.

I don't, you know. Is it the IOC? Yeah. Fucking horrible bunch of cunts. I don't think you allow legs to be boat legs. How much do you bet that the only country that has applied is Russia, innit? Okay, we're doing Paralympics, okay? What is the rule for Paralympics?

You've just got to get in and... For all the VAR jokes we do where we dance with the offside, we're going to be fine with them. Because our listeners are fucking reprobates like us. The only thing that's going to get us in trouble is when Vladimir Putin puts a fucking algorithm search on Google. Like, who's talking about me? Who slagged me off?

Who's this bald cunt in Runcorn? What is Runcorn? There's a fucking nuclear power plant here. He's fucking well aware of Runcorn. Yeah, yeah, to be fair. You know he's like, did the Olympics check your legs? The special needs kids,

it's very difficult, you know? In Russia, we don't really encourage disability. What if we give a little motor? A little bit of uranium in asshole. Get in water. Uranium react with water. VZOOM! That's it you have gained me. Use your hands. A fucking good lad of a Russian.

But do the Olympics check your legs before you jump in the pool? Like, you know the fake legs you've put on? Do they check to see if it's got batteries in or not? With a fork. And here is the official Paralympic tester, Adam Rowe. He's been working for the IOC for several years. All right, lad.

Let's see these fucking para-legs. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Paralyzed, are you? Fucking, this is a fork. Boom! Yeah, he's all right. He's fucked this one.

Fucking, that's bleeding. Get a plaster on him. You don't put legs on to go swimming. Yeah, I know what you've done. You've done Oscar Pistorius, the bouncy special legs, and you've gone, they must have flippers that they put on the swimmers.

No, I'm thinking, can you put like a fucking jet engine on one of them? A jet engine? You there? How's he stopping? Can you be half man, half jet ski and still compete? Do you know, I love the fact.

Put a jet engine on it. He'd do the first lap faster than any swimmer in history. I don't think the second lap, as he had to come back, would be quite as good. He's amazing! He is dead. We've got another dead one. Yes, we're going to keep testing this. Why would he be dead?

Because he'd hit the other end of the swimming pool pretty fucking hard. Not if he's got control like, control of it? A control of a jet engine stuck to his arse? I'll just steer. It'd be fucking bedlam. They'd have to get, like, a Hot Wheels ramp at the end and just fucking spin them. I would love to watch you design a Paralympics boat, you know.

It would be phenomenal. The thing is, though, I think we've mentioned this before. When it comes to the Olympics, and now the Paralympics are down, I think all Olympians should be allowed to take whatever drugs they want. Hang on. It's a special Olympics, but not National Olympics. As in, this is for all the people who want to play by the rules in like This is for all the people Who want to play by the rules

And this is for all The fucking Steadheads Yeah Yeah I think it would be amazing Exactly The only problem is

You'd have Every Olympic 100 metre final Like four of the contestants Having major heart attacks On the start line But that's the risky take Ready

That's the risky take Lane two's dead That's the risky take Yeah I know That's the wristy take. Lane two's dead. That's the wristy take. Yeah, I know. That's the balance, isn't it? You're also taking a risk with a discus, because if you drop that on your head by accident, you'd be dead as well. Well, that's all athletes.

They push it to the limit, don't they? So when people like, my granddad is 95, he's been watching football since they're They used to have a trade. They used to work a Saturday morning as a plumber. Tom Finney! Tom Finney'd do 9 till 12 then put his shorts on and win the fucking league every week

like it's that sort of banter and they didn't get injuries because they were great big fat fucks that were smoking, eating pies these guys now are at the limit of what their body can do so that's why the muscles go that's why they get groin strains and everything

because they've tested they're like it's almost like they're revving the engine to the absolute limit of what it can do. And then they get injuries. That's what would happen at our National Olympics. They'd be juiced up. But how far can you go before you just have a fucking aneurysm? But that's their choice, isn't it?

Yeah, I know. I'm supporting your idea, Adam. So I think we create that. It's illegal. And then we also have a Paralympics where they'll allow boats and fucking cars and that. Okie doke. Imagine seeing someone run the marathon in like 15 minutes. They're on a quad bike, but it's the Paralympics.

But this is the exciting thing about the drugged up Olympics. Finally, you have a chance to be an Olympian, don't you? Because you've never done drugs before, so it wouldn't even take that much. It'd hit you like a fucking train. I've seen you when you've had a Costa. I think, honestly, anabolic steroids would do wonders for you. Your massive dick would shrink,

and you'd be like, fucking Adam Rowe there in the 200 metres! Fucking some knobhead who's not juiced up, and in your lap in Usain Bolt. It'd be amazing in your fucking Liverpool away kit I wouldn't do a running event oh no

because that'd be silly no I if I was gonna I love it when he's in this mood it's great innit go on if I was gonna be

look at it it's like a kid like I want to show I would do this what would you do some sort of fighting we assume a wrestling is not an Olympic sport if it was in Japan I would do this. What would you do, babe? Some sort of fighting.

We assume a wrestling's not an Olympic sport. If it was in Japan, if we can sort this before next year, what are they doing? What are the fighting Olympics? Boxing, wrestling, judo? Karate. Is karate a fucking Olympic sport?

Pretty sure. Taekwondo is, because the girl I went to at my little school was a champion. What's taekwondo? Yeah, kicky, restly. Yeah, it's one of them, isn't it? Judo's all just like headlocks. You know in a fight at school,

one guy would be like, try and get the leg round the leg and then fucking buzz them over. Judo's just that, but as soon as you hit the deck, is that you done? It's like a point, isn't it? Yeah. It's fencing, fighting. If there's like a point in it yeah it's fencing fighting

if there's ever a Scouse Olympics there should be straighteners what? if they ever do the Olympics in Liverpool on the Cindy fighting with straighteners there should be straighteners on the Cindy

know what a straightener is? what as in GHD? no a straightener is late I thought you were talking about Scouse I thought there was a thing in Liverpool where like honestly Saturday night goes

when the taxi's fucking when they're late for the taxi's fucking, when they're late for the taxi, they come out and twat people with their GHD. No, a straightener's just a fight, but it's like, you know, me and you disagree on something. Yeah. I've been texting you, Baird,

and you've found out, I suppose, that you've come to me, and we're like, we need to, man-to-man, let's have a straightener. The fight will be the end of it. Whoever wins, wins, and then it's all dealt with. And the only rules are no eye-gouging, no kicking on the floor no biting right

so if you fall over I can't volley you in the head so you basically but I can people's elbow you you've basically branded bare knuckle boxing there aren't you sort of

you've given it a backstory a new name but it's not just boxing because I can kick yeah I think bare knuckle boxing I don't think anyone's like hey I can get you in the head

hey big Steve that's enough tickling and nuggies are not allowed either tickling tickling and nuggies yeah nuggies what's a nuggy

a nuggy do a nuggy you can't yeah what's a nuggy no no no don't nug me what like that on my head

no mate I'm fucking nearly 40 you'll go through you can't but tickling is that a major is that a major problem? Your hair gets caught,

so you wouldn't be as bad for that. In bare knuckle boxing in Liverpool, like lads, no eye gouging, no fucking knives, no guns, no tickling. Have you ever tried to tickle someone? Have you ever tried to like,

do something when you're being tickled? It's impossible. You can't fight while you're being tickled. It's just a snob. It's against human nature. Why doesn't like Khabib do that then? Why? Why doesn't Khabib?

It's against UFC rules to tickle. Oh yeah, it is, yeah. Is it? It is. And you're not allowed to teabag either. It's a fact. doesn't like khabib do that then why why doesn't khabib it's against ufc rules to tickle oh yeah it is yeah is it yeah and you're not allowed to tea bag either it's a fact i stick my balls in conor mcgregor's mouth how are you allowed to tickle in the ufc i'm googling into your contract yeah yeah tom power i can't and you tickle in carl carl, come on, mate. I can't believe you're even typing it in. No, I don't. What? Small joint manipulation, also known as tickling, is banned.

Do you want to take that bell back? Yeah, it's not the first time you've sucked on a bell after you've been fucking forced out, is it? Oh! Fucking hell, someone's come with their guns, haven't they? Hush! Hush! Oh, you can tickle if they're stood upush Oh You can tickle it with a stud up

And you can't tickle Like a groin Right So you can't tickle the dick No That's a rule innit I don't know why Bruce Buffer doesn't mention that

Oh it's not Bruce Buffer is it It's the other guy It's time It is Bruce Buffer But don't Tickle No Bruce Buffer Let's get ready to rumble

Is he a boxing guy It's his brother though innit Michael Buffer yeah Yeah he's get ready to rumble. Is he a boxing guy? That's Bruce. It's his brother though, isn't it? Michael Buffer, yeah. Yeah, he's sorted it. Well done. It's time! Are you going to watch the UFC on Saturday? Oh.

Habib. Habib. Seven o'clock hard. Habib Negademenov. Yeah. Nermagomedov. Nermagomedov. That's not right.

It is. Nermagomedov Nirmagomedov That's not right It is Nirmagomedov It's not right is it Nirmagomedov Negadamenov Nirmagomedov It's Nirmagomedov Nirmagomedov

Which is exactly what I said Play the tape back I will have the court reportery back my remark could you get could you get YouTube up someone professional saying that name

because I don't feel like it's Nirmal Momadov I can get a YouTube video of someone else doing something wrong if you want I'm right

oh god tell you what put a propeller on this one because he is ready to be a Paralympian yeah he says

how to pronounce his name Khabib ready what have you got it's Khabib. Ready? What have you got? It's Khabib saying his own name. Go on, put the mic next to it.

Turn the fucking mic up! Abdul Manapovich Nurmohamedov. This is my, like, correct. Yeah, you nailed it. I did? Yeah, yeah, you absolutely nailed it. Abdul Manapovich Nurmohamadov. Nurmohamadov. But we say G in this country.

Yeah. It's Nurmohamadov. That was as close as you can possibly get without being a fucking... Without being right. Yeah. Yeah. You going to watch it? I haven't watched UFC for ages, but I love it.

I do enjoy it. I'm such a casual fan of it. I would love to go to the fucking UFC with you lads, by the way. There was one in the Philippines a couple of years ago, wasn't there, Dan and Till? I think Laura might be up for it. She gets a bit feral with fighting. It's like it's disgusting, and then as soon as it's on,

she's like, somebody kill someone! Serika's the same. She wants to start judo. Or she wants to do jiu-jitsu in Japan, but it was too difficult to find a class with English-speaking. But she wants to start doing judo, which is terrifying. Why? Why? Because you don't want your beard to be able to punch with English speaking, but she wants to start doing judo, which is terrifying. Why? Why?

Because you don't want your beard to be able to punch your head in, so she said... We've talked about this before, and he called me a knobhead. Like, it's not like I want to batter women, but I want the option. Yeah. You're going to have to explain that one to me. No, just leave it.

You've just said you agree with it. You don't want your beard to be able to batter you. No, I mean, I want to be on a level with her where, like, if we're play fighting, she can't fucking make me tap out. No, you're basically, you're saying a more articulate thing, version of him. Yeah.

He, it's, it is, it might be sexist, it might be, like, it might be unfair, but it is a weird sort of inbuilt thing. You don't want your missus to get you in a headlock and be like, hey, hey! And, like, giving you a nuggy. Emasculate. But Ronda Rousey could tap me out

yeah no shit Cole no I mean like I'd let her yeah I don't think you'd need to let her I think if she makes the decision I have weird things

with stuff like that though because I do find like a girl who might murder me attract like you know you know Luther Alice Morgan from Luther

she not as a person the character I want her to murder me while she fucks me what do you think about Mara Hindley no no no no

no no no hang on you can't just say that Mara Hindley's got to say it was my mum and I can't you can't just say that and then just walk off from it what do you mean

you want her to bang you and murder you mid bang I've got like a murder fantasy about Alice Morgan she's like crazy and've got like a murder fantasy about Alice Morgan she's like crazy

and sexy and like a lunatic cray cray girls are always exciting aren't they just don't end up getting a

mortgage with them crazy ladies are great I met them in the club and then you take them home and then

they scare you physically and then they steal something from your living room and then they call you 27 times the next day and then they threaten your sister and then they steal something from your living room and then they call you 27 times the next day and then they threaten your sister

and it's all good fun until you live with the bitch. And they leave the front door. Have you had someone like this? Yeah, I've been with cray cray, yeah. Have you really? Has a girl ever stolen anything from you?

No, I was just trying to, I was ad-libbing of what mental... If a girl stole something from me... I've been with a exciting, attractive, sexualised, bisexual, crazy lady! And when we were done, literally, this is the final moment of us splitting up. It was basically me going, I'm out! Fuck this! It was just after six months of it like twelve months

just falling to bits it was just like in the end I was like I can't do this I'm fucking gone and it was such a relief because crazy is fun but when it starts going

it's horrific innit I feel like it'd be sexy if someone robbed something from you though like if I had a one night stand and my watch was gone I'd be like fucking sexy bitch.

I'll rob your watch. Sorry, what? Yeah, but I don't want you to. I don't. Mean what you say, though. Because then you've got to find her and be like, I want my watch back. And she's like, well, if you want your watch back,

you're going to have to fuck me again. Like the cat woman's in his car. Exactly. This is all, that is the tactics of a crazy person. And when guys are like, oh, we've been together a year and a half, I just seem to be quite stressed. I'm having panic attacks on the regs. It's because in the early days,

they didn't spot the red light flashing off. Crazy person! Yeah, I just wanted to steal a watch or something. I just wanted to threaten my dad via email. You know what I mean? I like it when my shed is on fire. That's just me. Who needs two cats? That's just me.

Who needs two cats? One's dead now because Becky's a psycho. Like, there is a line, isn't there? Good sex, because it's exciting, can easily tip all over to, she's fucked your credit rating because she's a psychopath. My credit rating's going to be sound in January, found out the other day. Segway!

I've got two defaulted accounts on my credit rating and they both expire in January because it's been six years. And O2 and Vodafone, F you. That's a version of growing up. It's the least responsible version of it. I've really thought of my credit rating. How did you do it? I just hid from all the people I owe money. If you move three times, they can't catch you. Double Geoffrey, innit? Double Geoffrey? I've really thought of my credit rating. How did you do it? I just hid from all the people I owe money.

If you move three times, they can't catch you. It's called double Jeffrey, isn't it? Double Jeffrey? Yeah. Right. Double Jeffrey is you can't, if you steal something from a shop, they can't arrest you until you're outside the shop.

You know if you're in a shop and you put like a leg of lamb up your top? Right. If the security guard comes over, it's like, have you got a leg of lamb up there? Yeah, if the security guard comes over and it's like have you got a lego lamp up there yeah i just don't use i don't like baskets yeah yeah but you can you legally can they you haven't stolen it you're shopping yeah unconventionally yeah that's called double jeopardy why is it called double jeopardy you've no idea but it sounds right it sounds like double jeopardy yeah yeah so until you're out the shop

they can't like they can't say you've stolen it and once you're out the shop you've just got to outrun

the security guard right that last one that second one you said that that was news but you've basically just described

shoplifting no the second one that's a bit more clever you just called run dead fast there you go but you could stand in the doorway of the shop

just slightly inside the shop one of the security guards going like I haven't done anything you know what I mean I haven't done anything yet what are you going to arrest me for

I haven't bye if Malcolm the security guard isn't stood next to you at that point he's not doing his fucking job that day

is he yeah but he can stand there all he wants I haven't left the shop yet so what are you standing there for malcolm right if you send your mate in and he starts putting stuff off his thing and you're like haha there's only one of you just two of us do you want this leg of lamb or do you want that drink of beef that he's got that's the double jeffrey yeah there's two of you two jeffs only one's going to prison for a

fucking leg of lamb and i know how you i know your relationship with lamb i know you would serve time for a good juice dinner on sunday made lamb as well what so what if you just put a whole fucking meat aisle up your jumper and just stood next to the exit and the security guard's like i will literally take you down take one step past that automatic door and you're like not doing nothing not doing nothing just to entertain yourself just jam loads of meat in and around your person stand by the exit eyeball the security guard and then 20 minutes later

just like let it all drop it's like an old scene from like a western and I went like it's it's draw yeah make a look around

what's the western music? Little, little lamb. Little, little lamb. Little, little lamb. Lamb, lamb, lamb. Little, little lamb. Lamb, lamb, lamb. Little, little lamb. Lamb, lamb, lamb. Pew! And then some fucking chicken breasts just drop out.

And you drop the shoulder so he thinks you're going back in the shop. Oh, yeah, drop the shoulder. Yeah. Gone. And security guards, shoulder so he thinks you're going back in the shop. Oh yeah, drop the shoulder. Yeah. Go on. And security guards, I don't want to stereotype anyone, tend to be fat bastards so they're not going to catch it

if you just quit. It's those first five... What, in Liverpool? Those first five... In Liverpool City Centre they're fat bastards? Not on the doors of nightclubs but in, like...

The guy on Sports Direct has never bought anything from Sports Direct. Do you know what I mean? Here's my theory. It's a bit like Premier League clubs, you know? If you try and go shoplifting, small town, Burton upon Trent, it's low league security guard.

You might get a fat guy, he's seen it at his time, end of his career. He's a security guard on loan from a bigger store, just working it out at the start of his career. But Liverpool City Centre, I'd want them to have fucking spikes on, to be wearing Lycra, because they've got to move, haven't they? Now, every security guard in Liverpool City Centre, on the shops, not the nightclubs, but shop security guards, they all look like a relative of Sean Dyche, the Burnley manager.

They all look like that. They're all born to be security guards. Some people are just born for certain jobs. Like the other day, so Carl's Xbox was broke. Burnley manager they all look like that like they're all born to be security guards yeah some people are just born for certain jobs like the other day so Carl's Xbox was broke

he's bought a new one and you know the shop CEX it's a second hand electronic shop isn't it it's like a like a goth museum

yeah it's like a porn shop for Playstation 3's we went to collect his broken Xbox because they tried to fix it they tried to fix it they tried to fix it

but couldn't but he was like I still want it back they're not fucking keeping it and the girl who worked in there by the way

CEX stinks it's the only place where it's easier to breathe if you've got a mask on even if you're asthmatic hey that's the

unspoken thing about masks you know when you're in like toilets and someone's like farted you're like

fucking COVID's working out the girl who saved us in CEX was born to work in CEX in what sense she came walking out of her man's fanny

with a second hand Xbox pad in her hand yeah she was she was a nice lady but she was piercing yeah

oh several right yeah she looked like a pear with eyes she looked like a pear with eyes. She looked like a pear with eyes? Yeah.

A pear, as in the fruit. Yeah. You had to think about that. And it sounds, you know, but she's got, that's her dream job, Defo. Yeah. I literally can't remember how we got here from Paralympians with...

I imagine she walked into CX one day to buy something and they just gave her jobs to do. Yeah. They were just like, you went here, sort that job out. You've got green hair

and your roots are coming through. Exactly. Come on. Did you see her? She had green hair and her roots are coming through. Fuck off! You nailed it.

Mate, CEX, you've got to type. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Because I just Kobe'd that to type. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Because I just Kobe'd that fucking visual. Yeah. Kobe. Yeah, Kobe.

I kind of like CEX. I'm just throwing it out there. If you've got some money to waste. Once got an old Game Boy from there. It was good fun. Yeah, Game Boy Color with Pokemon Blue. I want to go and get one of them on the way home. Do you want to watch last night?

Treat yourself. I watched someone open Pokemon cards for like an hour on YouTube. Do you know when I first found out... That's like a kid's thing, isn't it? When I first found out that unboxings on YouTube were a thing, I was like, that is the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life. Watching someone else open something that you haven't got and never will have. And now...

It's amazing. I will burn hours of my life watching people open trainees that Harrison Neville he's a YouTuber and he opens like rare and hyped up trainers like he gets sent

mystery boxes from big trainer companies to advertise the companies and he will open shoe after shoe after shoe and I've been me and him

did it a couple weeks ago didn't we just hours just watching this just talk about the trainers like oh god just like whoa

they're like worth 12 grand then next he puts a bit more effort into it than that doesn't he slightly there's less scouse as well

that was just like footlockering like you know that was like antiques roadshow accidentally did it in JD sports what have you got

for us today Steve we've got some fucking trackies. What? I want us to do a Bargain and Parody. Me and you. He'll film it. Me and you.

You get a comic involved. I'll get a comic involved. We'll be teams. And we'll go down shops in Liverpool. And we'll try and find stuff that we then sell on and whoever makes the most money. But it's got to be like

shite stuff. I'm into it. Yeah. But I want you to promise me this. If we've got cameras rolling, I want you to do the meet up the fucking front of the top.

No, stop trying to get me arrested so that you win. I'm fucking on to you. I just want to see you do it. I just want to see you drop the shoulder and some chicken living comes out. Bargain cunts.

This guy. You're a fucking... You've got so many ideas today. I had an extra shot of me coffee. I love it. I love it when you're

juiced up. That's a heavy mask, that. It's beautiful. I'm gone. Did you steal that off a single mother? What the fuck is that? What do you mean?

You can't have a leopard print mask. Have you never seen... You look like a slag. Have you never seen anyone come out as bisexual using PPE? You don't look bisexual. You look like you've borrowed... My wife's. Not even your wife's?

Yeah, my wife's dirty That's weird Why have you got a leopard I like her Because I just Thanks mate Because I just picked it up He's weird though with his clothes

Yeah but I could wear that And pull it off And you know I could No you couldn't I think you could I've got loads of leopard in stuff Yeah I know And you look like a god shite

Mama like that Well I feel quite good I feel quite good. I feel quite good, innit? I reckon, because no one else can see you from the waist out. I'm trying to take it seriously. There's a pandemic, Adam. That's still not as bad. There's people watching this who think you've got fucking a trackie on now

that says juicy on your arse because of that. You look like you've got a daughter called Candice it's a joke what's that amazing Cochran bit Alan Cochran's got an amazing bit about I saw a girl she had written on a tracksuit bottoms

only God can judge me and I thought wrong Cochran mate we never give him enough love he's quality I need a little whistles Wrong. Hotcrun, mate. We never give him enough love. He's quality. I need a little whistles. Neither we.

Yeah, is that right? Go for the fucking piss then, lad, and we'll have a little word from some cunt who gives us money. I mean, we're all thinking it. You know what I'm saying? I mean, we're all thinking it. You know what I'm saying? Today's podcast is sponsored by SupremeCBD.UK. Go and check them out.

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So remember, use the promo code WORD at SupremeCBD.UK fuck I cannot say that company name one more time SupremeCBD.UK don't be a Tory down your table shandy

and tell a friend this is have a word it just feels good to be a survivor doesn't it really good Shandy and tell a friend. This is Hava Wad. It just feels good to be a survivor, doesn't it? Really good. How fucking rude was she, though? Where were you?

Huh? 2020, mate. I survived. The Great Fire of Roncorn. The Great Fire of Roncorn. We should probably give some context to the listeners. Over three people were offended. Just been a fire alarm on site at Havowood Studios. Fire.

And some fucking bitch spoke to me like she was my fucking mother. And I've got a real problem with that. We had to leave the camera rolling. We had to leave that rolling because otherwise the files get all fucked up but when people talk to me we've mentioned this when people talk to me like with that fake polite

bullshit voice where we know well you should know actually because the fire risk assessment thing says that you don't stand there you should stand over there and you should if you'd read your handbook you should really know where that was and you should really know and you should know that you don't stand there you should stand over there and you should if you'd read your handbook you should really know where that was and you should really know and you should know that you should be over here and you clearly don't know and that's why things like this exercise are happening and my name's fucking cunt face and then

she was asking for a fire risk assessment from the wrong member of this team you had him if you'd done the fire risk assessment I was like I felt like being like hi bitch he definitely had me hard yeah it was going to fucken

hate her you know he's our own volume I liked her I liked her I thought she was sassy she was a luminous

she's not going to shag you mate oh what a great loss that'll be I really I warmed to her I think she had a bit of spunk She's not going to shag you, mate. Oh, what a great loss that'll be. I really... I warmed to her. I think she had a bit of spunk.

She's horrible at a barbecue. Yeah. In her house. Is this a safe place to stand, guys? Don't put two sausages on one bomb! Now that's greedy! Graham, come on! Guys, I know we're having a good time,

but someone's walked mud into the house, so... No blame, but if we can all take our shoes off and just check. Thank you. I did leave wet wipes for people's feet next to the door. Oh, mate. We look such bellends there. She pays for what she's had.

You know when she goes for a meal with 35 people? She pays for what she's had. She doesn't split the bill. Nothing wrong with that. Well, I only had a small bit of the wine. I know we shared the bottle, but as you can see, I poured it to where the 125ml is

and it's still not finished and I feel like I'm only going to pay £3 towards the wine if that's okay with everybody because I just think that's fair. Okay? It's about how much we didn't fit in outside, innit? Yeah.

What you mean with all the scientists? So for those who don't know, our studio, because we needed't fit in outside, innit? Yeah. What you mean with all the scientists? So for those who don't know, our studio, because we needed somewhere cheap as fuck, is on an old, run-down research site. So there's people next door trying to cure AIDS, isn't there? And we're all just in the air. Are you just guessing at that? No, I've heard them talking about it.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, Brian, how's your AIDS coming? Nah, man, I'll cure it. What about Steve? Steve, what are you doing? I've heard them talking about it oh yeah yeah yeah aid Brian how's your aids coming nah man not your what about Steve Steve what are you doing cancer today lad fuck all mates

who's doing Rona oh shit fucking Phil's doing Rona but yeah there's just a load of scientists in lab coats and we're just out there eating sweets

no we stopped so we got sent a load of scientists in lab coats and we're just out there eating sweets. No, we stopped. So we got sent a load of sweets by Mike Follows. Mike, thanks for the sweets. When you got in touch saying, I'm going to send you some sweets, I work for a sweet company, I was like, these are going to be shit sweets. No one sends sweets that are good for free

and they've turned up and they've been fucking excellent. My pregnant wife has got a sweet too. She smashed them. And then we just took out sweets for a fire alarm. You took the bananas and prawns thing. Shrimps. I'm regretting it. And I took the Fox's Glacier sweets.

What? I just felt like we looked stupid. We didn't. We just looked like three lads who wanted some sweets. We looked like Peter Deliveryman. Surrounded by scientists and mad cunts. Everyone's trying to cure fucking disease. And I'm trying to catch

banana foam bananas in my mouth. Colby. I know. You were trying to catch one in your own mouth and then I asked you to throw one to me

and you were like no come on take it serious. We were so near angry flaps. Well I don't care. I know but I do. What's she going to do? Because it gives me anxiety.

What is she going to do? I don't want to get. Oh actually no we've got to cancel the contract for Have A Weird The Podcast because Dan tried to throw a banana in Adam's mouth during a fire alarm.

We were already outside. You can't stop people throwing six pieces of that monster in a car park. I've emailed you several times. Have you filled out the banana foam throwing risk assessment? Because in 1998,

six people were blinded by candy shrimps. I'll never forget that. In 1998, six people were blinded by candy shrimps. I'll never forget that. In 1998, no one died. Yeah, it was just a stupid moment, wasn't it? Mike, thanks for the sweets, mate. They made a car park fuck around way more enjoyable. Would have been better if you hadn't been a fucking shit house. You just get so wound up by someone going,

have you filled in that fire risk assessment? Did you call my mum a slag no she didn't Adam leave it sorry love he's had a coffee she spoke to me like I was her employee

no she yeah she did a bit yeah and I'm not I was expecting you to go more I thought you were

going to go with hyperbole she spoke to me like she thought I was a cunt and she was fucking saying that I was you're right she did actually speak to you like that yeah so why haven't you done this because you're not me

fucking boss bitch you know when i want things brought like the orange hoodie or the letter right this is why i have to go with fucking very carefully and it never gets done i have to ask five times because if i actually sometimes when he forgets for the third time i want to speak like that and it would make for this kind of episode except he'd be angry at me. This is why I'm like, Adam, could you remember it next time? Never mind, love.

You're all right. You're okay. What's it like to be working with a psycho? I'm not a psycho. I just want people to treat me with the respect I deserve. All the scientists

have just gone back to their labs and gone, oh, that was a bit odd. And you've come back and called the woman a massive cunt on camera. Yeah, She was. Yeah, but maybe they'll all be in the labs going,

I really want to fucking cure cancer just today. Really, fuckers, fuck her. Maybe it's good. Like, if she doesn't want to be called a cunt, don't act like one. Oh, my God. Is that Nietzsche or is that Gandhi? Ricky Gervais.

Oh, right, Ricky Gervais. Beautiful. Very poignant. When you say Gandhi, doervais. Oh, right, Ricky Gervais. Beautiful. Very poignant. When you say Gandhi, do you mean... Oh, that one. Not David. Dave Gandhi?

Yeah. Sexy him. Yeah, isn't he? Who's Dave Gandhi? I get told I look like Dave Gandhi. I don't know who it is. Like blind people. He's a...

Hugo Boss model. I thought he was Dior. Is he Hugo Boss? He's a male model who looks like he's been chiselled out of marble. That was the most homoerotic exchange we've ever had. Homoerotic? Yeah.

He's a Hugo Boss model. I thought he was Dior. All right. Do you want me to fire the question? Yeah, can you ask his question? Is this Mike in the shot? Because as Adam has come past it for the fire, he might have knocked out a shot. Go ask us a question i like this is the we're moving this is the direction the pod's

moving in because i don't want to be grumpy dad trying to drive everyone to fucking banter town carl's carl stepping in i got a little bit of sand in my vagina if you heard the patreon there's one point where i was like it's just the stress of having a tired pregnant wife and a fucking psychopath next to me. He was bleeding from his bum hole because he hasn't got a fanny. The bum bum. The bum bum.

More Dave Gandhi. Dominic Clair. Shout out. DC. All right, lads, just listen to the podcast where you went through Adam's playlist on his phone. So, I'm wondering, if you had to design your own music festival, who would you have playing? Gotta have a warm-up, someone in the middle, and then a headliner.

So a music festival with three acts, basically. Who would you have? It's a shit festival. Warm-up, middle act, and a headliner. It's basically like a comedy show, but it's music. I'd get Freddie Quinn to compare. Yeah. Now, I want to Freddie Quinn to compare. Yeah. Now,

I want to tell you the rules. You've got it, because obviously, people will know by the time they listen to this. He's today's guest. You have got to do at least the first half of the second half in that voice.

That's it. You've got to. Yeah, would you go for variety in your musical acts? you've got to yeah would you go variety in your musical acts would you go one dance

one hip hop one sort of indie rock you like your drum and bass don't you I mean I like my drugs I don't often be like you know

we're in the car we're going to drive to North Wales you mentioned drugs and it's on the Hathaway bingo that someone sent in yeah

okay we're not playing the bingo are we no alright okay someone is right okay good no but like it's on the Hathaway bingo that someone sent in. We're not playing the bingo, are we? No. It's your festival. You can have the drugs. You're running the festival. You can't do MDMA at a festival you're running, no. Why not?

Oh no, you get people to run it for you. You get her. She'd be great. Guys, hi. Wu-Tang Clan, have you filled out your fire risk assessment? There's nine of you. Is there ten of you? Well, you need to get, come on, honestly. This says car park B. Method man, honestly, get in the car park.

It's a fire alarm. This does say car park B quite clearly, and you're in car park C. No, car park B ends there, and you're here. So you do need to move that over. Yeah, there's one space left. It's just over there. And just legit, if there is a fire at any any point we need to be able to locate your car so you can't be in car

poxy i'm afraid i'm gonna i'm gonna go home and i'm gonna tell my husband that he's done something wrong i'm gonna go home and moan about the dishes that i didn't do not being done who hurt you you got it who hurt you that was that that stopped being about the music festival and wu-tang clan and it was just you fucked off about the fire alarm again dan joe you were saying about getting on track yeah let's get back on track oh carl oh i would go for variety i'd go a hip-hop act i'd go like a i don't know i'd go for the indie act like a maybe i'd want one of the big old fuckies i go black keys a bit is that indian indie can have that me solid joke i'd go Kobe it'd have to be exciting

do you know what I mean it'd have to be people you Adam we're all building up to yours because we're gonna try and do it seriously and then you're if you headline with bewitched no but they are probably gonna be on

are we gonna go serious and then funny because I'd go who are the acts you want who right now I would have loved to see the Basement Jacks back in the day the Basement Jacks

Basement Jacks the Basement Jacks the Basement Jacks Basement Jacks right now I'd go Frank Ocean the Coldplay

the Coldplay the Frank Ocean Black Keys Frank Ocean and then Headlining Kanye West so quite hip hoppy but then do like a bit of indie like Art at Monkey's Black Keys and then headlining Kanye West. So quite hip-hoppy, but then do a bit of indie,

like Arctic Monkeys, Black Keys kind of shit as well. I want it to be crowd-pleasing. I want it to be a bit of fun. I want her running the fucking fire safety. I'm going to go... I don't know. Who's the big, fun fucking act that everyone's going to know the tunes of? It needs to be someone who makes people go crazy.

Do you know what I mean? It can't just be someone who's just like, oh, that's it. Yeah. Simply red. Yeah. Cause I love run the jewels.

I think run the jewels would be great, but it wouldn't be a great, a festival pick maybe. Whereas Beyonce, I'm not a massive Beyonce fan, but if Beyonce and Jay-Z turned up at the end, you'd be like solid worth the ticket price, probably. I saw Cool and the Gang of the Allerwights,

and they were fucking phenomenal. Can we bring people back from the dead for this? If you want. It's our game and it's not real. Okay. Eric Clapton is alive. Name one Eric Clapton song. Can we bring people back from the dead?

H from Steps. Hashtag gone too soon. Fucking hell. Adam, do you know where the clapping is? He just said it He just said He just He just tried to do a dead rock star And then you got it completely fucking wrong

I took a shot You just put You just put you just put a 63 year old millionaire Layla got me on my knees I only referenced them because I watched

the Anthony Jesselin special last night and he references them in in that go on do yours we're building up to it I mean

the black keys it's fine it's an answer but it's not as good as this is going to be so i think be honest play the crowd three acts build up who's opening row fest for me lid fest for me 2021 it for me yeah and your ilk um so i would because it's not real i would create a 90s pop mega band. You know like when McFly and Busted came together, right? So I'm doing...

You can't cheat by putting bands together. Yeah, you can. You can. I'm doing Steps Club 7 featuring Bewitched. So it's Steps, S Club 7, Bewitched, all together. But... Steps Club 7 and you can't do any more wordplay with Bewitched. I'm going to do Steps Club 7 featuring Bewitched and Shaggy.

Steps Club 5 because I want people from 5 in it as well. Right. Right? 5 will make you get down, down. Yeah, I'm in. Steps Club 7, Bewitched Andre. Peter Andre. Peter Peter Andre because I want Mysterious Girl on

yeah I need Mark Morrison baby girl yeah tonight is your lucky night who's headlining well they're me opening yeah

right Eminem in the middle okay just decided to take it really seriously we're gonna have Steps Club 7 Martine McCutcheon

Shaggy Informer Four Non Blondes Megaband and then Eminem that dressing room would be fucking awkward wouldn't it

as Eminem's just in like dressing room A and then dressing room B's slightly too busy no but I'd get them all in the same dressing room actually so that we could film it

see how it's getting on Oasis are headlining Steps Club 70 which Shaggy Peter Andre who left the dogs the Bahar men yeah

the Bahar men's Club 75 them yeah Eminem Oasis can I just flag up one problem

what happens at festivals is people who love a band will buy tickets to them and what you've done there is you've got two behemoths and basically a decade yeah right and and you've got three very different type of music fans i reckon it's gonna be all of them so what if everyone's just like me very few people are like you you'd love that mate you're you're basically

absolute radio on legs Steps Club 5 it's very eclectic but like I'm saying on a festival you've basically got Eminem fans hip hop guys

slightly hard Oasis Oasis what's that stage called the have a word stage literally no humour the have a word stage. Literally no humour. Have a word stage.

It's an opportunity for branding. All right. If I seen that line up on a fucking festival thing, I'd go mad. Eminem not headlining. And the bar hammer just before him. Yeah, Carl. It's silly, isn't it?

I love how Carl goes, that's dead silly. No shit. I'd have Lighthouse Family Simply Red and People moving on honestly Carl

I reckon if we had a whip round we could probably book that bill right now it's not like they're in massive demand is it yeah I reckon we could do it the Lighthouse Family are not are not

in business at the minute and then Simply Red But I See they don't excite me I like their songs But a bill with Oasis A 90s mega group

And Eminem If I seen that Danny would you have Basement Jack's opening For a bit of fun I I do like Red Alert Mate Basement Jack's

Would be a great start They have gorillas In suits on stage Not No they have men In gorilla suits on stage There's like fucking Loads of them

They've got like that Jumaire choir vibe You'd want it That'd be a crowd Pleasing start Yeah wake everyone up Everyone's getting going I've never been to

One of these So I don't really know how you compliment the things so when they do like leeds festival does each band sort of compliment the last one the bar harman no they just sort of build up it's like a comedy bill yeah you don't always you don't you don't get three headliners they can't afford it you build up to your headliner they have almost like a matching style of the day because they sell day tickets. Yeah. So they don't want Baja Men, Eminem, Bewitch, Oasis. It doesn't work like that

because you get a lot of people going, well, I hate this one, like this one. It sort of builds up. But at a comedy club, that is what you want. You want a one-liner. Yes. And then a storyteller and then an opinionated guy.

Yeah, you're right. It is different. But what I meant was you don't need three headliners. In music festivals you don't you want to build to the best act i think i think that's what they try and do so you got basement jacks um i'm struggling here really you're a hip hop fan aren't you are you hip hop yeah i am but what hip hop's gonna work i still think i want to see i want to see some of that i want to do what he's done with the 90s with like noughties hip-hop and have fucking eminem jay-z jar rule yeah dmx not mackle fucking more dmx dmx

that's your dm impression? It's fucking good. Yeah. Who's headlining? That's a good question. I don't know. Why am I taking this so seriously? You really are. I'm struggling to think of it. Who's your favourite act? I'd have Beyonce and Jay-Z smash it out as a headliner.

As long as both of them turn up. And then Alicia's on the fucking keys. They drive you as a banger as well. That's where the caveat is. It's a fantasy, and you're like, as long as they show up. No, I'm not having just Jay turn up. I'm like, oh, yeah, come on. I want Bey doing, oh, the single ladies,

and Jay having a fucking, you know. Whiskey. Diet Coke at the side, like. A little whiskey. He's got this one. He owns Ace of Spades, doesn't he? He does, yeah. The Shampers. Aye.

It was a shite champagne brand, and he bought it, and then it just became premium because it is. Veblen? Product? Huh? A Veblen product? Oh, yeah, you like that word, don't you? Yeah.

Are you trying to find a question? Yeah. Liam Wittrick sent this I'm intrigued here this is like an ethics lesson imagine this lids a train is going full throttle along a track four innocent people are tied to the track that the train is on course to run over

you're standing next to a lever that diverts the train onto a side track that only one person is tied to do you let the train kill four sidetrack that only one person is tied to. Do you let the train kill four people and then you've not done anything? Or do you pull the lever, take it into your own hands, and it kills that one person?

So... Classic question. Have you never been asked this question before? Well, we've never done it on the pod. I don't think we have, no, but have you contemplated it? Because this is like an age-old ethical dilemma. Yeah. And it's heavily featured in like an age-old ethical dilemma. Yeah.

And it's heavily featured in the hit sitcom, The Good Place. The NBC sitcom, The Good Place. Is it? Yes. It's one of the episodes. So it's a genuine, it's also part of the psychopath test.

They use this as a test with the people that are psychopaths. Wow. What an apt episode to have this question pop up on after you have literally nearly shat yourself through anger

about being told to fucking fill in a fire That doesn't make me a psychopath. a fire risk. I'm just saying. It just means that

I demand respect from people. Okay. And then have murder fantasies. I don't want to kill her. Right. I just want her to get

fucked off. Do you sort of want to kill her? No, I don't want to kill her. I want someone to talk to her the way she spoke to me. And then kill her? No. And just want her to get fucked off. Do you sort of want to kill her? No, I don't want to kill her. I want someone to talk to her the way she spoke to me. And then kill her? No. And then fuck her? No.

Ugh. And then kill fucker? If you're listening on audio, Adam went... So I know now sort of the right answer to this question. So I'm interested to just fire it back at you for now and see what you'd do. So are you letting her kill the four people or are you pulling the lever and it kills one well you're meant to what are you meant to do here because you've that's the question you you you are you're next to the lever and you could be like well if i don't press that lever and it kills

four people i haven't i haven't done that it was happening anyway if you pull the lever you've definitely sentenced that one person to death but my argument is that if you're stood next to a lever that you can control you've also sentenced four people to death what you're trying to get out of it essentially saying is if you're indecisive if you don't want the blame or the guilt just don't do anything it's not your fault you're not driving the fucking train you didn't you didn't tie them to the tracks but that non-action you choosing not to do anything is still a quadruple death sentence isn't it so i would you know i'd pull i'd pull that lever pull the lever how do you know, that the person you're killing

isn't, like, a genius who's going to cure cancer and the four people you were going to kill were just suicidal and actually tied themselves to the tracks? Of course. Then you can factor in, like, as soon as you pull the lever, you're like, oh, no! He's won a fucking Nobel Prize! I tied up those four paedophiles

for a reason yeah I get it what happens if it was one paedophile and four like cancer doctors yeah

but that shit like you know he's a famous paedophile would you would that change would you kill the paedophile the paedophile then hang on

you know when I didn't know it was anyone I just killed I just killed the one guy you're just telling me they're four cancer doctors and he's a pedo I'm like

all the way down sorry okay good I was like Carl you've not made that hard so it's four non-offending pedophiles they do want to shag kids

but they haven't and can I just say in the original ethics debate do they start like layering this with caveats no

sometimes alright they do so before we end debate do they start like layering this with caveats no sometimes all right they're on the good place it they do so before we enter any caveats and i'm into those i think it's fun would you agree that in you if you're in that situation would you not pull that lever i would pull the lever but that is the wrong answer right like on the psychopath test if you're willing to pull the lever that the fact that you're willing to do an action that kills someone that you know will kill someone yeah so what they're saying is the inaction yeah that's not your fault yeah but i'd say it definitely is it's not that it's like the fact that you could mentally get over the fact that you doing this you actually doing something yeah it is going to kill someone.

That is a trait of a psychopath. So, most people would be like, I know I should, but I can't, like, I can't, like,

I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't,

I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't,

I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't,

I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't,

I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't,

I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't,

I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't,

I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I to get themselves in a position to do it before it got there. Because you don't do it and you've got to watch four people be killed. Yeah. Do you think you're not

going to feel guilty about that? You don't have to watch. You can turn around. Oh, you can just fuck off, can you? You don't have to watch it. You'd be like, whoa.

Yeah. You don't have to watch any of it. You don't have to watch any of it. You smashed it, lad. I'd say you're going to feel just as bad if four people die and you're like,

ah, but I didn't touch it, did I? No, you will feel bad either way. It's never nice to watch people get married. But you've saved three lives. But have you, though? Yeah. Well, yeah.

Four people are dead if you don't touch it. But the coldness of that, which I'm 100% with you. That is the traits of a psychopath. I like the devil's advocate that we're playing here. But go on, now start adding the caveats so four non-offending paedophiles they'd fucking love to shag a kid but they haven't yet and the other guy

is you know he's this close to curing bum flu AIDS right this is getting a bit dark, isn't it? I've just realised what...

Because I know now that you're going to keep adding layers. Yeah. And this is layer one. Two non-offending paedophiles and one guy who litters a bit and then the other guy chews with his mouth open and then the other guy is... So would you let the four non-offending paedophiles die

to save the on- brink of a cure scientist yeah i suppose so yeah you would yeah so you say pedophiles don't deserve to live even if they don't touch anyone that really was the subtext but thanks for trampling right fucking into it and making it uh depressing yeah maybe i don know. It gets very fucking weird, doesn't it? Because you're basically trying to balance it off, aren't you? And what will happen is if you keep going on this conversation, you'll balance it and it'll be so grim, the margins. But yeah, it's going to get...

I'd say you'd need a long run-up for the train before you were able to sort of weigh it up. You know, like a close friend of yours, what's his name? Bondi. Yeah. Right, one of your mates. So if Bondi comes to you and was like, lad, I need i need to talk to you right something's been going on for a long time yeah i fancy kids i'm never gonna act on it but i can't stop thinking about them how old

12 oh no that's out of order i mean 13 14 no i'm joking how would you react would you I'd be like would you not talk to him anymore I'd be like I wish we'd not done this in Nando's mate

would I not talk to him anymore would you cut about your life no no no I'd hope that we'd go and seek help there's nothing wrong with it

yeah you need to be on the sex offenders register don't you helps need to be on the sex offenders register don't you I hope he hasn't offended yeah the sex offenders register you can put yourself

on the sex offenders register that's a bit fucking stupid isn't it no put yourself on but why would he be coming to me going mate I fancy kids

don't tell anyone though I just want you to be burdened with it he just wants to get it off his chest enjoy your butterfly chicken he just wants to get it off his chest why would you sign yourself up for that? Because that's... It's like writing to Alton Towers and going,

I'm not tall enough for the rides. Right, yeah. And then... It's just the same, isn't it? I wear lifts in my shoes. Yeah, it's what they do. People put themselves forward and go, listen, I'm not going to act on it,

but this is the shit that's in my head, and someone's going to have to keep an eye on me. If he told me he wanted to drag kids, I don't think I'd look at him the same anymore. I'm not saying I'd look at him the same. Would you just cut him out of your life? I studied. That's not great friendship there, Adam, isn't it?

You know friendship isn't just like, oh, mate, you're dead sound and we both play FIFA. You're meant to be there for your closest friends. Yeah, but there's a line. No, but there isn't't it doesn't affect you and I'm not offending I'm just having these thoughts I couldn't have you

around my children if I knew you fancied them you love have you got children in this have you like this is down the line yeah yeah I just wouldn't

be able to come to that house party uncle Carl's not babysitting we get that you're my best mate and anyway these are fucking ugly kids anyway you're not having fit kids anyway these are fucking ugly kids anyway you're not laughing for kids anyway

I reckon no I reckon you've seen me when I was a kid I was a cute little kid mate you're a fucking ugly cunt how do you how do you find new lines

is is Gran's a slag and now his unborn children are minging all our nans are slags he brought it up. I've got another one here. I like these article things. I did a lot of these when I was teaching.

Go on. So, you are an emergency response team on the scene of a car crash. You don't know, but when you get there, it's involved your wife or girlfriend. Oh, yeah. Oh, Jesus. I want that life insurance. And the lover is in the car that you didn't know she had oh deshawn okay they are both gravely injured your spouse's injuries is

the worst of the both okay it's unlikely they will pull through or her lover has got an injury where if you help they will survive so they've got a neck injury if you apply pressure. Who am I, a professional paramedic? Yeah. Who do you choose to work on? Do you try to save your partner, who is probably not going to live, or do you decide to save a lover, who probably will? What am I going to do, drag him out by the dick?

So she's been cheating on me? Yeah. With this guy? Yeah. I want to know what you're going to say. Look at your body language. I want to know what you're going to say. So she's been cheating on me with this guy yeah i want to know what you're gonna say so she's been cheating on me with this guy you can save him but you but you could choose to try and save her but it's unlikely how do i know straight away though that because you're a first responder you've done this shit you can tell like you you like you walk into a room and go knobhead's here i know how to play he was driving and it's on ends on his car.

No, you just know. She said she's in work, but she's not. She's in this fucking country lane with this fella. It's obvious. Suspend disbelief a little bit. She's smoking the pole

and you know it. You know it's the lover. Right, okay. Do you try and save him, which you would do, or try and save her, which is unlikely? I've got to be honest with you.

Like, once I'd calmed down, I'd regret it, but I'd just get off get off once I'd calm down I'd be like I should have tried to save me it's your job please I'm sorry

I know I've got jizz on my blouse but help me and it doesn't matter that to me, do you have to admit? Like, I'm a human. I'd react.

I'd be like, I can't deal with this. Now I'd get off. I'd be like, soz. I'd ring someone else. I'd ring, like, let's say we work together. I'd be like, Carl just got there, fucking Lisa's been fucking goosing that guy I was worried about.

999, you're right. Yeah, it's Adam Rowe there's two cheating bastards on the 855. Someone's going to help him because I'm going home for my tea. But yeah I'd just bail me. What would you do then? I'm not happy that I'm just trying to be honest

again. So you see Laura when she's with No I'm going for Laura. I'm sorry. I'm not going for some random dude with slightly worse injuries. No no Laura's got worse. Laura's probably going for Laura. I'm sorry. I'm not going for some random dude with slightly worse injuries. No, no. Laura's got worse. Laura's probably going to die. Yeah.

I'm still going for my wife that I love. Obviously, I'm angry. Even though she's been smoking pipe? I've put weight on, you know. Really, yeah? Yeah, I understand. Saying that, I would fuck him. Oh, yeah.

He's... I mean, don't get me wrong. You'd save your bed. Even though she... Who are you more angrier in this situation? Her. Oh, you, he's... I mean, don't get me wrong. You'd save your bed. Even though she... Who are you more angry at in this situation? Her. Oh, you're fuming, but I've got... Who do you care about more?

Neither of them. I hate both of them, and I don't even know who they are. So you cut... Instantly, you cut your emotion off. Yeah. You're a psychopath. You are a psychopath.

Yeah. I'm not. You are. I'm not. How did she speak to you on the car park, Adam? Just remember. Where's your risk assessment stupid little boy i want to run it over you wouldn't get your missus out or the lover you jam her in i've got another one i don't even want to do it right now yeah go on one more yeah we've got we don't want to run over our time though remember okay because we've got that we've got it you've got a cap this

haven't we so you're involved i didn't even want to be that guy anymore but i know he's going to get annoyed if that happens you're involved in a two-car car crash on your way to work four car pile up if you're listening to this one on your way to work enjoy these enjoy these drive slowly it's a four-car pile up car crash luckily it's not going into winter and the conditions aren't getting worse so that's right you're involved in a two-car car crash on your way to work one morning which you accidentally hit and kill a pedestrian okay oh gee as you get out the car you are intercepted by a tearful woman who seems to think that she hit the pedestrian not you yeah you are not sure why she thinks this but she is

convinced so she you ate some but she thinks she did there's only you the woman and the person hit on the road no witnesses you know whoever is deemed responsible will probably be sent to jail what do you do let her take the rap yeah i don't think police investigative invest investigative work literally just goes the police turn up and just go who did this i love my thing guys i'm on my way to spec savers yeah but like there's no like physical evidence just like there's no physical evidence on the cars or anything like she'd go and listen it was it was me. Right. So this person's in the, in, but there's no damage to the car

because that's what they do. They're like, yeah, there's a fucking, a big, a big knobhead shit, a whole shape on your fucking car where you've hit someone.

Both cars have been set on fire from the crash. Oh, they're done. The evidence is gone. They're done. This has been a bad one, hasn't it?

Right, and we've just walked free and we can have this debate. Oh yeah, then it gets, there's absolutely no way that any of you will be able to convince me that you're doing anything other than going,

yeah, you did, and let an heir take it. There's not... You're telling me you'd go to prison when you could have just been free? What if she's fit? How do you know that you're not the one mistaken? You don't.

So I'd just be immediately like, oh, I was wrong. She killed him. Sound. It's not, this is not a surprise. What if she's dead fit? Who? The girl who's like,

I think I killed it. Why would that make a difference? Would it make no difference? Why would it? Just thought it might make a difference. So you'd let this woman go to prison for manslaughter? No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't.

You're a fucking liar. I'm a good guy. You're a liar is what you you are you're full of shite i i respect women and this virus you can't even put your mask on i can't i've got headphones on i'd be like like as soon as she said no it was me i'd be like maybe it was and then it'd be like oh well if she thinks she was and she's will it yeah have you seen the reasoning it's just used to be like she's convinced me I think it's the right thing to do

you know you're fucking guilty if you're doing this you know you're being a snidey cunt but you'd do it would you I would still do it yeah yeah yeah of course you would and you would

and so would you everyone you're a lion I'm a good guy so you'd go to prison. For something I did, yeah. No, if you could get away with it. It's not getting away with it, is it?

It's literally getting away with it. No, it's at the expense of somebody else. Who won't know any different because they think they did it. It's not like they're like, oh, he sent me to prison. What's right and wrong isn't what, like, if they know it or not. You're like, yeah, she's fucking dim anyway. It's wrong, Adam. That's the dim anyway it's wrong Adam that's the thing it's wrong

moral I don't know we get it no one will know yeah you will will you sleep well at night I sleep better than the one in prison and you're fucking calling me

I'm fucking Simba matches and he's not talking about the bed make he's an actually Lion King fucking matches a Wumba weight a Wumba weight a Wumba way you're doing 15 to 20 I'm not a Simba hybrid she's killed herself in prison

Kobe you're not a psychopath I'm not you are I'm normal and you're both lying right there's no

I know you better than anyone else and you're both lying right there's no I know you better than anyone else knows you like definitely maybe your bird maybe your bird knows you slightly better than I do

she does but it's a fucking very close run thing and there's absolutely no way I know what you're like with fucking playing footy

when you're like oh I'm in goal oh I'm shitting goal me I'm not going in goal again because you'd rather get away with fucking playing footy. When you're like, oh, I'm in goal. Oh, I'm shitting goal, mate. I'm not going in goal again. Because you'd rather get away with fucking murder than be a team player. There's no way you'd go to prison for the rest of your life when you could get away with it.

You're talking shit. Why can't you just be the cunt on your own? Because I'm not a cunt. You have to be like, no, that is a cunt choice that you're making. But now you can't let Carl not be a cunt with you. Because I know that he is You don't go to prison

For the rest of your life In Lancelot by the way You probably get like So how long are you going You probably get like Two or three years Exactly So she'll be out

Just to have a life to live Oh you're right then I'm me fucking Simba Stupid bitch I like these ethical dilemmas I'll try and get a good one For next episode I've really enjoyed it And I I've liked you having control.

Yeah. If you could call a break, that'd be great. Yeah, let's have a break. Let's get Mr. Freddie Quinn on the couch. Oh, who the fuck is that guy? What's happening, lids? Today's sponsor is Beer 52. Beer 52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club.

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Belgium, Korea, New Zealand, South Africa, and many, many more. Every month, you'll get a new theme of beers sent to your house, and I'm telling you right now, I signed up for this a few months ago myself, and I ain't been cancelling anything. I'm still tippling away. Just go to beer52.com slash word and claim your free case now.

That's B-E-E-R-5-2 dot com slash W-O-R-D. Do it now, baby. Please, go get yourself some free stuff on us. Don't forget to watch our very funny podcast videos on YouTube. You can subscribe at youtube.com forward slash have a word pod it's time for have a word with freddie quinn yeah it's time for freddie quinn with adam and dan who's that fella who the fuck is that guy? Welcome, lad. Hi, mate. You look dead nervous. I'm fucking...

I'm not really. I just find it weird. You look all pent up and... Well, do you know what it was? Is, like, the amount of abuse... You look like you've got a coat hanger in your jacket. The amount of abuse that I've had from this podcast, I thought, they're going to call me a fat cunt.

So naturally, I just sort of stepped... I tried to readjust my body position, thinking that that would make a difference oh yeah yeah you look like a new man you look fat from C cup to B cup

I thought that would make the difference do you reckon if you wore a bra you'd be a C cup I'd definitely be a B you reckon oh yeah yeah

100% is it more belly than tit that's not how you wear a bra no but I mean your weight in general oh no i thought you meant like would i be wearing a bra like over my belly and tits what i'm saying is looking at you here you look well bigger than a b cup i know you say it and i'm wearing black that's going to be slimming

um imagine how fat you'd be if you were wearing white oh it's all at the audible innit mate he basically that he wasn't going to do that and then then you went, oh, I thought you called me a fat cunt. And he went, oh, nice one. That's what you're into. I don't think he'd planned to do that. I didn't. Do you reckon you'd be, what do you reckon you'd be? I don't know, but they're there.

They're definitely here. You're going to touch my tits. I want to scratch it and see if I can. Be gentle, though. Yeah? Can I try yours? You't have shown you oh they're fuller yeah aren't they probably the same amount of tit i can make mine dance but not like it not like a bodybuilder i have to like that's not making them dance though is it when people go i can make my pecs dance you're not allowed to get your hands under them and jiggle

them i didn't say pecs though alright made yourself look for a stupid pecs lovely to see you nice to see you both that was a weird moment where you both forgot

I was here for a minute that happens every single episode as a guest and some guests are like I thought this was about me and like

I think you'll tune into it normally we do a briefing call with the guests now I didn't do it with you because it's you and it would have felt weird. But like,

it's always like, don't expect it to be an interview because it's not. It's just, we're having a bullshit conversation and you're not going to join it. Oh, great. That's all it,

it's not going to be, so, how did you get into comedy and do you hate your parents and how do you write the perfect, it's not, as a white cisgendered man,

I've never found that it's held me back, Dan. Not gigging in the North West, anyway. Not been on telly, I'll give you that much, referee. Fuck it, I miss Granada. We, if you have only just got on board the bullshit bus that is Have A Word in the last maybe three months. You won't know that for the first three months at the start of the year when we were just getting this going,

Freddie's one of our both good mates in comedy. We genuinely really love him. When people say in comedy after that, it always feels like a backhand compliment. He's one of my best friends at work. I mean, he was at my wedding but he wasn't top table

do you know what I mean or they do um well he looks like he can eat do you know what I mean well I wasn't invited at all

really yes he fucking was was I yeah was I really yeah I remember you getting invited

yeah was I yeah ah well sorry I would have come how shit is your organisation Yeah. Was I really? I remember you getting invited. Yeah. Was I? Yeah. Ah. Well, sorry, I would have come. How shit is your organisation? How did you invite me? How did you?

Have you never invited me before? Yeah, I invited you. Ah, I would have actually come, especially if I'd have known this was going to come up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't that good. Didn't you have it as a comedy club? It was great.

It was pretty good. Rob Mulholland got sucked off by a gay man So it was pretty good Rob Mulholland Spilt a bottle of wine Onto my white top My white shirt And ruined a shirt and suit

That I've never worn again Because he was pissed And he tried twerking into the back of me I'm gonna be 100% honest It's not as interesting as the blowjob thing Go on So who sucked Let me stop you there guys Blowjob aside be 100% honest yeah it's not as interesting it's not as interesting as the blowjob thing go on so who let me stop you there guys

blowjob aside I lost a lovely 38 pound shirt yeah well that's it but I want people to know that I'm a victim too do you know what I mean who was a victim in

what happened because at your wedding everyone gets hammered yeah but the person who has the most fun is not the person getting married.

So I watched a group of, we were there till late, me and Laura, but at the end when they were kicking out of the venue, I watched a party of people disappear into Nottingham City Centre, maybe 1am, that fateful bank holiday Sunday four years ago. And I looked at them and Laura went,

get in the fucking tank thing and i was like right yeah because it looked like just mischief heading into the night and rob mulholland was like definitely the captain of that mischief and then the rumors started circulating like oh did you hear did you hear afterwards that did you hear and by the end of the chinese whispers rob mulholland had got sucked off by a man, which I think is fucking great. Has anyone checked this, though? Did it happen? I don't know.

But you don't want to check because you want to believe it? Isn't it more fun to be like, what happened at your wedding, Dan? Well, I had a lovely time, and I found my soulmate. And Rob Mulholland got noshed off by a bloke. What do you mean, though, that the people getting married don't have the most fun? Successful, innit?

Because it's like a fucking party political fundraiser where you've got to meet and greet the whole room. What you want to be, am I wrong, at a wedding, the absolutely dream status is not to be like random guy who knows Susan from work. I'm going out with Susan and she's been invited. You want to be, not quite best man, like groomsman. Groomsman means you know everyone you've got no

real responsibility but you're like a leading role yeah middle management best man is management you've got a speech you've got responsibilities if something goes wrong like oh my god auntie carol's falling over someone pick her up that's your job and if you're actually getting married it's a lot of pressure and it's money you're spending groomsmen's where you're at you're a lead role without any work yeah you can do anything no one's going to question you

but no one's going to come to you with a problem yes that's the fucking one you're both smash the game I'm not being funny when I get married just be prepared

I'm going to like do the fucking yeah here's your ring let's have a snog I'm going to do all that shit and then I'm going to turn round I'm going to do the here's your ring. Let's have a snog. I'm going to do all that shit. And then I'm going to turn around. I'm going to do the, here's your ring bit. Yeah, kid.

You old romantic. And I'm going to turn around. We're at St. Steve's. You know, the fucking big Catholic church that we all got abused at. St. Steve's in town. It's dead sound. St. Margaret Mary's.

It'll be in Dublin. St. Maggie Mo goes. Maggie Mary's. Right. And then I'm going to turn around to the church and go listen nice one for coming and that

you all know where we're going don't expect me to be coming around and seeing everyone I'm getting on the Jaegers the second I get to this bar where are you going where's the venue Roxy Ballroom

is it there was a 50-50 chance table tennis and beer that was hot water listen darling I will we'll do the reception in a bit but I'm just doubling

yeah I'm opening the late show I'm not a dick I'm not closing it see Paul Smith did that and what happened he went to bed at 8 o'clock yeah

I thought you meant he got divorced but Paul Smith said fuck he did yeah and they are sort of correlated I thought that's what you meant

bed at 8 o'clock on your wedding night doesn't necessarily mean life partner mate the wedding's a great fun but having done it at various levels I would love to not be anyone's best man again that is a lot of responsibility that speech when you're a comedian

is not as fun as you think it's going to be because everyone's sound to anyone doing a speech but the rumours have circulated that you're a comedian and they go shh this guy's a comedian, and then they go, shh, this guy's a comedian, and you walk on like, oh, shit.

Is that like a sense of pressure? Do you know what, though? I can still remember some of your speech, because I filmed it for you, didn't I? Yeah, thank you for that, mate. Why you invited me? Oh, that's not true. What clock did you film it on?

A camera. No, not that. I don't have a phone. Poor idiot. What clock did you film it on? A camera. No, not my phone. Fucking Samsung D500 just like that, lad. How old do you think I am? What did you record it on? Dan got married 82 years ago. I remember... Stay still! Stay still!

I remember wanting to watch it, because it's like, I wonder how you'll approach this. And it was like the most sincere heartfelt thing that i ever have seen you do i remember you saying to your wife i remember saying you saying home is where you are and i was like oh my god oh like i felt it i felt it there wasn't a dry eye in the house that was an awkward moment of my wedding speech i built i wrote one of the best lines i've ever written accidentally. I was talking about my best mate Bondi

and I was like, he's always been there for me. He was there the morning my mum died. And then I paused and went, which sounds like more of an accusation than it was meant to. And I was like, oh fuck, I'll never be able to use that as a line. And then because I moved out when I was 16

and I think, I mean, until recently, I think I've moved every year. Like, that's a lot of moving. So I sort of lent on that and then used that line of like, after moving out of home at 16 and moving, I've had like 24 addresses, home is wherever you are. And I went, hook! And I saw all the women in the room go, hook!

I was like, fucking nailed it, mate. That's the end of an Edinburgh show. Get a fucking TV moment. I want to slag you off, but I sort of shit. So when Paul Smith got married, there was two best men. It was me and Paul Blair. And we both were doing a best man speech.

So I knew that Paul Blair had written a jokey one. So I just improv'd a really nice one. So I was like, you know, I had tough times in my life when I couldn't live with my dad for a little bit. And Paul and Helen gave me some words and I did all

of that shit and then sat down and then watched the owner of the comedy club get up and be like hey he shit himself in Falaraki

let someone else be the no bed yeah have you done a best man speech for anyone no man I don't think anybody

would let me be a best man I don't have any best man credentials like at? No, man. I don't think anybody would let me be a best man. I don't have any best man credentials, like, at all. Well, you kind of do. You know, like, ten years of being a comedian, it's a bit of a credential. Yeah, but does anyone want that, though? Does anyone want, like, a comic as a best man

just for the speech thing? I always thought a best man speech was meant to be, like, a sincere thing. No, it's to ruin the groom's day, innit? That's the idea. It a bit it's like 90 10 it's not you don't pick anyone because of the speech they'll do you just pick your best mate and then you'll see what you get like carl's gonna be your best man you're not picking someone like yeah the thing is carl your sound and everything but fucking i really like Alan Cochran's spoken word

it's not about the speech I'm gonna get Samuel L. Jackson because of his working coach Carter do you know what I mean you're saying I'm gonna get Andrew Schultz

I do know him Schultz see but you've just said that but then you said to him one of his best man credentials is that he's a comic so you're fucking contradicting yourself aren't you

you're saying he would be picked because he's a comic and then you say no you don't pick someone just because they're a comic so bah Felicia oh my god I can't you you're saying he would be picked because he's a comic and then you say no you don't pick someone just because of the comic so bad felicia oh my god i can't have you turned into carl mr right and wrong i can't why am i mr right and wrong was that meant to be funny because that was really good i can't think of anybody that i'd

be a best man for um and that includes my brother i don't think he'd pick me so has he got friends yeah so how old's your brother is he younger or older six years younger than me so he's 26 right is he in the is this a risk of happening this this marriage at any point no absolutely not he's um he's not in in a serious relationship or anything like that. How long have you been with your missus? Sure, six years in November. You've got to be starting to think about it. Yeah, it's... Now that is the cuntiest thing he's done on this podcast so far.

Freddie will take tit comments all day before he has to fucking field this one. You absolute shithouse, Ro. Bye, Felicia, you evil cunt. Sorry, Freddie. In many respects, Adam, obviously I would love to get married, but currently, under current

COVID guidelines, it's just not safe. You can still have 30 people. You can have all your friends and family. This pandemic has been a fucking godsend for that question fucking off. I'd love to marry you, darling, but what if there was track and trace problems? Has she been asking for a while?

Are she hinted? Kids as well. Do you know what I mean? I'm not ready for that yet. Do you know what I mean? And I don't like... It's got... You know, at the start you went,

it's not an interview. Freddie, are you ready for kids in a marriage? Where do you see yourself in five years? So you're not ready for kids, but you're, like, non-COVID wise. Right, right, right. So if COVID wasn't a thing, I'd try and think of another excuse

to not get married. But, like, if you're asking me whether or not she's probably the best I can do, like, if you're asking me whether or not she's probably the best I can do, then yeah. So that's as good a reason as any. Mama like that. Mama like that.

That was the least romantic thing I've ever heard in my life. What do you mean? It's the best I can do. That's what most relationships are. Most relationships, 90% of relationships are I found my true love. 90% of relationships are, I found my true love. 90% of relationships are, fine.

Do you know what I mean? Basically, that'll do, pig. That'll do. Exactly. That'll do, pig. Right, and you all, you all know what the fuck I'm talking about. You're right, you're right. 90% of relationships, it's not true love. It's, I'm fine settling for this

because I can't be arsed to keep looking. Do you know what I mean? It's like, I'll tell you exactly what it's like. I'll tell you exactly what it's like. You know when you're looking for a park... I love that these are emojis. This is amazing. Some of them are belters.

Others, you're like, whoa. I think we lost the ball. I've got it perfectly. You know when you're looking for a parking space and it's a one-way system and you think, you think, I can either park here

or I can drive all the way round. That's not the perfect parking space. Mate. But it's as close to the venue as you're probably going to get. We're not big enough for your car. So that's it. So you put it in and you go, I don't mind walking.

Do you know what I mean? And we just give him the respect. In my head, this is total sense. Freddie, you absolutely nailed it. It wasn't just funny. It was absolutely spot on. The reason I got distracted is because of a wire. It was so good.

We've been quite good mates for a while now and I take the piss out of you a lot especially in green rooms because the amount of times I've heard you go it's like and then say something that it's

absolutely not like is I can't count how many times it's happened and I always pull you up on it but that was fucking

Zidane Champions League final yeah followed it all the way down and caught it beautifully. My love life as a young man, I got in the car park and it was empty. I was driving, I had the choice, I moved into one car parking space.

They were near the entrance, they were near the shop, I was nailing it. And then I got into my early 30s and that car park started getting fucking busy. And then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, in the best spot possible, this really attractive like almost like a parking space

too good for me and within four seconds of seeing it I'd married it I'd literally banged the car in that is beautifully done my love life has been essentially

I just drive around for ages and then end up putting it in a disabled one I was thinking of the same punchline I was thinking of the same punchline I was thinking of the same punchline you beat me to it it's four o'clock

in the morning there's nothing else available bend over bend over love I've got a badge so I'll have a break no

let's not have a break I was joking you fucking prick why are we have a break no let's not have a break I was joking you fucking prick why are we having a break it's good keep going just taking a piss so right

let's have a bit of role play I'll play your partner right it's 2022 Covid's done everything's back to normal okay Freddie

is that how she speaks definitely i'm part of that disabled bay it's kevin it's kevin wemster night freddie right okay when are you gonna ask me somebody what? I can't. I ask you every day. I've been hinting for ages. This is what she sounds like as well. I've met her. Yeah, I mean... What am I going to have to do to get a ring? She's your wonderful girlfriend

and also excellent at oil changes as well. Oh! He's on fire. Freddie's on fire today. Come on. Right. Marry us. Freddie's on fire today. Come on! Right. Marry us! Marry us.

Right. I'm not doing it for you! I'm doing it for the hard job! I'd say, okay. I'm doing it for the hard job! Russell. You've got a Jack Russell. I have got a Jack Russell.

You're really getting into this role. Come on! Well, the thing is, it's hard because you're putting yourself in 2022 and I'm gambling that in two years time, I'll have more excuses.

Do you know what I mean? Like, like you're giving me 2020 excuses and asking me to put them in 2022. Now, at the moment I've got COVID, which is a silver fucking bullet. I feel like you've broke the fourth wall. Yeah.

You need to come into the show. Come on, Marius. Hey. That sounds like a great idea but um uh come on what's the problem you say wait till the pandemic's done it's over that's almighty do you know what's so dangerous about that? He knows things about you. He could twist this round so fucking easy. What could he do? What does he know about me?

What does he fucking know about me? I'm fucking bulletproof. Oh, I'm a fucking open book, aren't I? Yep. Oh, that book is so open. The fucking jungle book. Come on. is so open. The fucking jungle book. Come on.

Hey. Is it weird that I feel weirdly under pressure and you're not her? Do you know what I mean? But this is exactly what I'm saying. If you can play this off now, it'll be a fucking walk in the park. So the thing is, it's 2022. Covid's just gone.

Is that what you're saying? Six months ago. Covid's just gone. Is that what you're saying? Six months ago. It's been ages! Can you imagine if it's only gone for six months in 2022? It's going to be around until the middle of next... Yeah.

People are done with it now. It's still going to be there. People are bored of it, but it's still going to be a thing in April. I think people will be done with it. They'll be like, fuck this. I think people are just going to be there. People are bored of it, but it's still going to be a thing in April. No, but I think people will be done with it. As in, they'll be like, fuck this. Like, even... I think people are just starting to be like, fuck this now. But in six months, they'll be like...

Are you making this hard for yourself? It's been gone for a year! I've been waiting! Okay. I'm assuming you don't want me to propose to you right now, this second. I do. Tomorrow! I'd love you to. I'd love to have that on camera, you proposing to...

Because you want it to be a surprise. No! I'm tired of waiting for the surprise. Do it now, or tomorrow, any day! Okay, I'll do it any day then. But it's got to be today or tomorrow. No, I need to wait for the perfect time to surprise you. No!

If I do it at any point over the next few months, you won't be surprised anymore. I don't need a surprise. I need a ring. You're really enjoying this, aren't you? He has no idea where this is going. He's just keeping on digging. Exactly.

No, I'm in a hole. I'm still going. I won't do it now Why? It's weird that we're still doing this Yet over Adam's shoulder There's an award for Dave's best joke of the fridge Come on

Stop distracting I will do it When I'm ready And you'll be surprised And it will be romantic What if it's not by tomorrow? I'm leaving Do you not?

Well you're not Because I'm not going to be able to get's not by tomorrow, I'm leaving! Do you not? Well, you're not. Because I'm not going to be able to get a ring by tomorrow and plan it and propose it. Make one! Add a tin foil! No! And scene. That was good, though. Good, though. You've got written the...

Yeah, yeah. That's five minutes bin it's not going in the bin it was fucking perfect you can't bin that impression Kevin Webb's there hi Freddie you alright

hi man Freddie you looked so uncomfortable during that I was like my heart was going out to you yeah it was weird I don't know

it's just like it's just hard for you to look at me and imagine proposing to you. Yeah, it's terrifying. And also as well, your voice scares the shit out of me when you're... Why? It just... It's forceful. It's a forceful voice.

What have you been up to this week? So this week, I have been suing a charity. Oh my God. Yeah. Yep. There's a fucking story here, isn't there? so this week I have been suing a charity oh my god yep there's a fucking story here isn't there better than I've been imagine if there wasn't you know what

fuck I lost some gigs I got a bit bored I had a few cans I didn't get any self-employed help I'm going for Barnardo's

those African kids look like they've got it easy um no i'll tell you what it is right is so i did a gig maybe two weeks ago uh in manchester right and it was oh fuck it i'll tell you what it was it was a gig called escape to freight island in manchester hey i've just done a gig in manchester you came and saw me at the end of it under the railway lines about a quarter of a mile from that and as we saw me at the end of it under the railway lines about a quarter of a mile from that and as we drove away I drove one of the comics home afterwards I dropped her at home and as we drove onto the ring road we'd come from the it was it was nicely done but

the street where you parked it was like this is where people have died murders have happened here and then we got on the ring road and then I looked to the right and there was these amazing it was almost like an like a disneyland level of lighting just pouring out from the side of piccadilly station and hannah platt the act that was was in the car was like oh yeah that's escape to freight island yeah i was like why didn't i get to play that gig and she went oh i've heard it's not great right so here's the thing. There's loads of lights, but it's all like pop-up box, kind of like, you know, like TPs and fucking... It looked like a fairground in the middle of, like, the rapey bit of Manchester.

Well, I said it looks like someone's trying to gentrify a refugee camp. That's what it looked like, right? I know you're all crying, but Arcade Fire are on in a bit. I just want to save my family. I know, but the kooks are on. I've had the same jeans on. We will eat anything. What about grilled halloumi?

With chilli con carne on top of it. My children are crying. We've got crushed avocado. Smashed avocado. Oh my God. So anyway, right.

I need shelter. What about a vegan burrito? So I was doing this. So basically the promoter asked us to do it and I

was like, fine, whatever. I mean, I've not gigged. Whatever, I'll fucking do it. And it was raising money for Mind.

And that's a nice charity, isn't it? The mental one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The mental one. That's their tagline. Mind! It's the mental one. It's the mental health charity.

Ring the helpline. Add to the voices in the people's heads so anyway right so i'm doing this gig we only find out later on by the way right and this is one of the many fucking bullshit things half the money was going to mind half of the money was going to help musicians a charity helping musicians who's not been working during covid well let's fucking badly drone boys down the road playing the tambourine for me then you can fuck off quite frankly yeah so what would be nice was a charity gig where comedians get paid to do comedy because that's like the charity for comedians who haven't been gigging this is a tiny little thing anyway

right so we get told you know this is the gig how many acts on oh mate nine right so long fucking thing but everyone's doing 10 minutes you know whatever and they say oh by the way we're filming it um and and so we ask what are you filming it for and they say oh well we're just filming it for something called headstock festival and all it is is people who can't get to the gig what they can do is they can stream it uh online for like three quid or whatever and then that money goes and it won't be made anywhere available afterwards and we got it in right definitely not 100 and the print was like 200 and sent us the email where they said it will not be made anywhere online anyway we get to the gig we do the gig it was fucking wank it was how

many people so where are you in the in the okay so so so the refugee camp is is is fucking massive very well illuminated um and we're on like the fucking bleachers like fucking grease and there's like a 30 foot gap with nobody around and then they've just put tables around this fucking massive place. Honestly, I reckon there was 250 people there. I reckon 20 could see and hear it. Everybody else was like, how many people were there?

And they've 250. Right. How big was the space? Cause that's a lot. They'd spent 15 quid per ticket, right? I actually went on stage and I said, it's ironic that this is for mind because if I'd have paid 15 quid to watch this,

I'd want to kill myself and all. Anyway. So, I don't know. So anyway, right? We do the gig, we get there and it is run, the actual gig itself, Freight Island, is run by the most fucking serious jobsworths in the world, right? So they get you in, and they go, masks only, masks, masks only, you can only wear, it's outside, right? And so I was like, I've got a medical condition, and they were like...

To be fair, it's not just this place that I like that. Some venues are very touchy about the rules. and they were like to be fair just just in it's not just this place that i like that some venues are very touchy about the rules you get to other venues they're like it's fine get in you're all right but there's a few venues that are really like anal about these new covid restrictions if i need to if i need to wear a mask and i'm inside i'll do it i think it i think it's a bit stupid but i'll do it i'm not wearing one when i'm in the fucking middle of the outside it's just silly do you know what i mean yeah so so i get in we're in we're all sat down right they have a little place for the axe to sit i literally stood up stretched my back

because i've been driving and a bouncer comes over can you sit down for me please and i was in the you're in the dressing room area i was like what and he goes sit down for me, please? You were in the dressing room area? I was like, what? And he goes, sit down for me. You know in that weirdly polite but aggressive way that bouncers speak? You need to sit down for me, please. We've just had that in the car park. Have you?

The fucking woman who works here talking to me like I fucking work for her. He took it well. Really? Well, you haven't filled out your risk assessment, and I was just wondering if you're going to have any time to do that because I could really

do with it could you could you do with a fucking should have done it you should have done your Kevin Webster impression oh that's the way

to go next time why are you talking to me like that I've got the fucking restrictions I've got the fire anyway right comes over

and makes us sit down. And apparently it's a no standing venue. So you're not allowed to stand up unless you literally stand up and walk straight to the toilet for a piss. Everything's fucking table service and stuff like that. So it's got this weird vibe to it, right? We do the gig. It's all levels of dog shit.

It's the biggest, it's the shittest gig I've done for a year, right? Just pointless. It must have been huge though 250 people socially distanced it was is a lot of space it was vast it was huge right pointless as well and the sound system wasn't good enough to carry it over right anyway dog shit gig we get over it we do it uh i get the footage because i've agreed to get the footage uh stick it on youtube do you know i mean have a little laugh i did this gig it was shit do you know i mean little video goes out anyway we find out over the weekend it's been made available on o2's priority website the number one fucking listing on the o2 priority website and o2 priority had sent an email out to all of its customers saying hey hey, watch this show.

O2 did that with my tour tickets? Just about 15 million. My tour was on O2 Priority. It sold seven tickets. So here's... I want a free coffee. I want to see this. Not bad.

Here's another thing as well. Not only did they put it out and broadcast it without my permission, they'd edited the living shit out of it so they'd edited anything remotely controversial which in my set is literally me saying hello and then fucking leaving do you know what i mean there's a bit right they there's a bit and they don't even use like a youtube edit you know like a cut they use like a dream sequence fade so there's a bit where i'm setting up you know i've got a bit about love island about no fat people on why there's no fat people on love island so i'm setting it up and

i go i go uh yeah i'm a big fan of love island been a lot of controversy about love island recently though people saying there's not enough body diversity and then it just fades and i'm talking about something i tell you what i like all two priority, and I like comedy, but this seems a little bit sanitised. I want to see Netflix commission a stand-up special that is just set-ups and no punchlines. Not even, like, the link to the funny, just like... So, who's drinking? Next bit.

They did that with Nanette, didn't they? Oh, shit! Char! Didn't realise we had the new net soundtrack. So, do you know the... So, do you know the bit where it's like, where I said, you know, it's ironic that we're raising money for mine, because if I'd have paid 15 quid for this,

I'd have fucking killed myself as well. It didn't stay in. No, mate. Tell you what did stay in. We're raising money for mind, and then that's and then yeah fade to something else it's fucking atrociously bad right so we got in touch tv credits are tv credits though mate you know we got in touch with um uh you know with the

headstock festival and we were like what the fuck is go what do you think you're doing and oh oh oh oh sorry oh whoopsie and i i sent him an email and i said listen i said you have taken my content without my permission you've broadcasted it and distributed it without my permission you've edited it without my permission and so i'm going to be looking for a settlement figure for appropriate compensation because you've edited it in a way that it's not reflective of what the gig was like. This might even cost me future work, mate. He rings me straight away, right? And he's this really posh guy.

He's like, yeah, I just wanted to touch bass. You know, I just wanted to... You know what I mean? Sound like you touch kids, you non-C country. I just wanted to touch kids. That's not usually on O2 Priority, but they are diversifying. Free coffee, free nine-year-old. Oh, fuck it all.

So he rings, just wanted to touch base. And I'm like, listen, you need to email me. I want everything down in writing. He was like, yeah, but i just feel like we could really explain things better over the phone i was like fuck it fine do you know i mean i had nothing to do record it and he was no no no so he went he went listen uh he goes yeah so as you know you know we are a non-for-profit you know all the money that we raise is for charity you know and obviously the you know explicitly put it in the contract so so this is it he goes he goes the

reason that we've been doing this is just to you know the reason that it's out there on all these channels is because once we've recorded something we have a set two-week window in order to maximize the earning potential for the charity and i went look man i said i'm just going to stop you there i said i know this is going to sound really horrible but the fact that it's a charity is fucking irrelevant to me like charities can break the law do you know what i mean like you do good work fine good fair play to you but this is like bad do you know what i mean anyway well the thing is the thing is right is is we've worked with faithless uh you know the

band faithless and and they didn't have any problem with it it's like yeah because one they're fucking millionaires and two i bet you didn't fucking cut them off halfway through insomnia do you know what i mean like i can't get no and it's gone yeah i think they just fade out it's fact honestly different song with the same line in it i know you're looking at me like i just made that i know i on it because you've you've you've built this character up of you not knowing music No I haven't No Right

Honestly It took me a second just to work out If you knew who Faithless were And I thought I can't get no satisfaction I know music You thought I'd mixed Black Faithless up

With Mick Jagger Black Faithless? Yeah Yeah Black Faithless up with Mick Jagger. Black Faithless? Yeah. Yeah, Black Faithless. Sounds like a wrestler. I have to, on this, on this podcast,

I have to explicitly let people know that I know the ethnic background of musicians because I thought Mark Morrison was white. I've never heard

of Mark Morrison. You have. Return of the man. Oh! You don't know that song You lied to me Oh right Even though you said you never would You lied to me

Okay But I do do do So yeah Return of the man He's got to finish the story I've heard that But up until Fucking

Oh my god Did you think he was white as well No I thought that was sung by Fleetwood Mac Surrounded by a fucking mu No, I thought that was sung by Fleetwood Mac. Surrounded by a fucking muppet. I thought they were singing Return of the Mac, like, we're Fleetwood Mac and we're back. You thought that was their comeback tour announcement?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can go your own way, Return of the Mac. That album, after Rumours, it got a bit ropey, didn't it? It wasn't me. Is that Fleet't it? It wasn't me. Is that Fleetwood Mac? It wasn't me. I don't listen to

an awful lot of music. No shit. I honestly listen to about five musicians on a loop. Name them. Janis Joplin. Wow.

Why was that so funny? Janis Joplin I think we should Try and edit a game into this Where you play Me going Name them And then it pauses And people have five seconds

To guess the first name you're going to say I think Fleetwood Mac did Return of the Mac. Who are you really into? Janis Joplin. Janis Joplin. Janis Joplin. Aerosmith. What?

Go on. Keep going. Why is this funny? Aerosmith. What is on? Go on. Save it with your third. Like a bit of Biggie Smalls. Yeah, cool. Put it in there. Good third. Like a bit of Biggie Smalls.

Yeah, cool. Run it in there. Good save. The black rapper, Biggie Smalls. You mean black Biggie Smalls? Yeah. All right, cool. Black Biggie.

Notorious black IG. Biggie Smalls. Let's be careful. Right. Okay. So we've got Biggie Smalls Aerosmith yeah Janis Joplin it's a diverse bill it is yeah

yeah it's still not as shit as his dream festival say what you like about Freddie he's always bugging to diverse

he's the fourth there's so there is a folk singer that I like called Beans on Toast so I listened to him

what's going on it's like you just headbutted iTunes what's your fifth what happened was I actually tried Ecstasy for the first time at Blissfields in 2011 and I listened to him

for the first time and I just led on a field, like I couldn't fucking you know what it's like when you're on pills, you can't fucking move, can you? So I was like this. A bit of dancing. No, I was done. I was like fucking just led, enjoying my life and he was playing and it just I think it's like a memory thing, do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got a link to it. And who's the fifth? Who's the fifth? Maybe only listen to four. I just don't do a fifth. I don't really... Faithless? I can't get no...

Satisfaction. Yeah, maybe that's... I don't know. Which Chinese bloke do you buy your CDs off? We've got Faithless. Oh, Elton John. That's the fifth. So, I got a...

How sad is this? I got a notification from Spotify last year to say that I was in the top 1% of people that listen to Elton John. That's like... You know, top 1% of OnlyFans is good. Top 1% of Elton John fans isn't great, is it? Elton...

You know, I do Kevin Webster's impression. Yeah. I'll get ready. I'll do it right away. So, we're actually both really good at an Elton John one. Okay. Yeah.

So. Have you seen the video of him doing I'm Still Standing from about three years ago? It's not from, it's from Jordan Lockdown. Is it from the lockdown?

Yeah, yeah. He did it in his garden, didn't he? Did it? Is that where it's from? Yeah it from the lockdown? Yeah, yeah. He did it in his garden, didn't he? Did it? Is that where it's from? Yeah. Oh, right. Yeah, okay.

It's weirdly like he's Kevin Webster, isn't it? You sound like you're buffering. What's going on here? You sound like a disabled Elton John tribute. He did, though, on the video. Have you heard Elton John do Dido's verse on Stan with Eminem? You know Stan? Yes.

So you know the Dido bit? Tears can't cut it. You know that bit? Well, he covered that with Eminem. Did he? And he replaced Dido. Yeah. Tears can't cut it. He really will do anything at this point, won Did he? And he replaced that now. Yeah. My tears go cold, I want them

more. He really will do anything at this point, won't he? He's worth so much money. Is he? He's worth like nearly half a billion. No, but he went broke like fucking, like rich people go broke, didn't he? Yeah. When did he go broke? Do you know, he is... He is wealthy,

wealthy pop star. Do you know, he is probably the greatest living rock star. Probably. It's only people don't think that he is because he's an effeminate, flamboyant gay man. Bowie's gone. But he's probably the greatest living rock star. Eric Clapton.

Mick Jagger's still alive. Eric Clapton. He bought a football club before people bought football clubs that was in, like, fucking League Two and took them all the way to an FA Cup final. He fucking... I don't think he was coaching.

I don't think you can say he took them to an FA Cup final. You've lost the Cup final, Elton. I don't know how you feel. So, you know when he... You know the video for I'm Still Standing? It was on that beach. Duran Duran were filming at the same time. They got...

They were in the same hotel. He was on a break filming. They ended up getting smashed together. He went back on set, punched his manager in the face, and then got naked and started rolling around in the sand. Is that just a fact you've got in your head? Yep.

How cool is that? You reckon he's a bigger rock star than Mick Jagger? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. He cool is that? You reckon he's a bigger rock star than Mick Jagger? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. He fucking huffed fucking... And he puffed. And he blew lots of men.

Unfortunately. Unfortunately. Have you seen Rocketman, Fred? Yes. Great, isn't it? Yes, I've seen it and read it as well. And he got sued recently by his ex-wife because he revealed

things that he wasn't meant to reveal but he's a Rocketman is the fucking best film about a musician that's been

it pissed me off so much that everyone went for Bohemian Rhapsody Bohemian Rhapsody was fucking shit it was dog shit the music was good in it but the thing is

the music was really by the end where they finished at Live Aid that was pretty good there's two good bits the first bit is the live aid bit great bit the second bit is when he's coming out to his wife and they have the tv on in the background and it's playing love of my life but it's the original thing from brazil when they started singing it back to him that's a really well done bit the rest of the film is utter fucking bobbins what

even the finale at live aid no, that's a good bit. Alright, okay. And the bit where he comes out is good. Everything else, considering that Queen were like an incredibly

experimental band that did incredibly crazy things, it's the most fucking paint-by-numbers film. Formulaic. That you, oh, we're a band, we're not really

going anywhere. Oh no, our lead singer's quit. Oh, who's this guy that's come in? Oh, we're stratospheric. Oh no, we've singer's quit. Oh, who's this guy that's come in? Oh, we're stratospheric. Oh no, we've had an argument. Oh, how will we ever get back?

There's a bit in the fucking film, right, sorry, this pisses me off so much, right? But this bit for fucking shit. I want to paint a picture. Yes! Right, this bit for shit clich, pisses me off, right? There's a bit where Freddie Mercury's got AIDS. Spoiler alert.

That's not spoiler alert. No, I know that's why I said it. If anyone watching have a word, it's going to go, oh, come on, Freddie. No, that's why I said it. That's what I mean. He was doing a joke, Dan. Canadian comedy podcast.

Like, so anyway Freddie Mercury's got AIDS he knows he's got AIDS none of the other people know he's got AIDS I've said AIDS 12 times in 3 seconds

they're curing it upstairs we've just seen them in the car park like fuck that fire alarm I was that close to curing AIDS

they've basically cured AIDS already haven't they upstairs yeah no but like you can take a pill and then you can't give it to anyone, so it's... Well, you enjoy yourself tonight in Liverpool, eh? Enjoy. Be who you want to be, Adam.

Prep, it's called, innit? What? Take prep. Yeah. And then you can't... The AIDS doesn't kill you and you can't give it to anyone. What? If you've got AIDS, there's a pill you can take.

Before you... What? You take it every day if you've got it. And it makes you just you like the morning after pill to the morning before pill right it's like plan B for AIDS yeah

right well it's plan A really you have to yeah I mean I think plan A would be not getting it so

not to seem insensitive but tell us more about Elton John no no this is Freddie Freddie Mercury do you realise that's the other lane from the charity story

that he was telling what like where the lane from the charity story that he was telling what like where the fuck is the charity story gone we'll wrap it with that we'll get back to that car

yeah come on professionals thank you I'd love to edit this pal do you know when we used to do podcasts before

these two sort of like so when they had their own podcast I did Dan's podcast and Adam used to record things what I used to do

is because I knew that Adam hated editing what I'd do is I'd tell him a story and I'd just slip a racial slur in there, knowing that he'd have to edit it out. And you always used to say I'm not going to edit that one out.

I think it's very worth saying at this point that one of the first good ideas I had for a podcast that I think I will do eventually under the Hathaway Network was a project called Right Club. And the idea of Right Club was that comedians would meet, we'd talk out some new material ideas,

then we would do a new material gig, try the ideas, and whether it went good or bad, the recording of that would go on the podcast and it was to sort of show the creative process of comedians and some things that seem good are going to be shit

and some things that seem net are going to be good and that sort of thing. And episode one one me and Freddie sat in the basement of the Jack around there in Liverpool to record and we were going to do Hot Wars later that night and this never got released as a podcast because

Freddie said his missus was looking at maybe buying a chicken because she was like well then we'll have our own eggs and we spent about 45 minutes to an hour trying to figure out whether it's more cost effective to own a chicken or to buy eggs we were using numbers that just we just plucked out the air we're just like oh yeah chickens what 25 quid he was like yeah 25 quid for

the chicken we use that and then we realized you can get a chicken covered in petty petty sauce for about 11 quid from Nando's. There was a great moment where I'm gone. Nando's do full chickens for a tenner. Yeah. So it can't be 25 for one to keep in your house, can it? Because that's uncooked and they haven't even been to Portugal. So anyway. Freddie Mercury.

What are we talking about? AIDS. Let's stop putting bows on all of this shit. What happened with the podcast? You literally were going to do that and then film the chicken bit. No, we didn't film it. But I thought the plan was to work on the material

and then take it on stage and see the progression. That absolutely was the plan. Oh, the chicken bit wasn't material. It was going to be. You just got into cost-effectiveness of farming. Yeah. I can see why that didn't make it onto iTunes. You know that centuries-old job that people have been doing for millennia?

We decided to try and work out whether or not it was cost-effective. Hang about, they've been doing this for 3,000 years and making a lot. There's one boat. Bohemian Rhapsody. I mean, I am very much the conversational inception aren't i you just go in and in and in i really want this to be satisfying for everyone listening going i want to know about o2 priority i think we should have a break oh we just got to wrap this up i don't really want to have a break you're fucking back from before

but the thing is it's 46 minutes now adam It's like a literally viable time for... Sorry, the knobhead has emailed. What knobhead? Conti McTwatt outside. Yeah. It's the most passive-aggressive email ever. Oh, the one from the car park? Yeah. Yeah, let's read it out.

Fuck it, let's add another layer. Hi, Adam slash Dan. Let's hope that I receive this the soonest, please. Adam, I sent you a text message on 8th of October. As you said, you don't listen to voicemails. Joanne Fleming. Oh? So she said you sent you a text message on the 8th of October. As you said, you don't listen to voicemails. Joanne Fleming. Oh? So she said, do you think you're a text message?

Aye. I'm telling you right now, I'm never replying to that one. If she's listening, she's the most passive aggressive lady I've ever met in my life. She doesn't sound like a patron. She can fuck off.

She's an absolute cock juggle and thunder cunt. Tell her I'll reply in about 20 minutes. So what do you need to send to her? A risk assessment. Like, basically, can you get out of this room if there's a fire? But we were stood in the wrong bit of the car park, Freddie, and it was like she was having... It was like Christmas for her, like...

Oh, you think you should be stood there? You think this corner of the car park is our... This is why we need the risk assessment done. You should be 10 yards that way. I'm telling you now, she's a COVID marshal in her spare time. It's the same fucking thing. Oh, yeah. People who...

Unpaid. Yeah, people who do risk assessments and that sort of shit, they've got to have this little thing inside them that makes them happy when they see the rules on exactly being followed to a fucking T. I'm telling you, she makes a bolognese and she uses Dolmio. She doesn't even use her own tomatoes. Call me!

Wrap up Bohemian Rhapsody It's not even It's not worth it It's not worth it Tell us what happened With the priority guy From O2 Go on Give me that bit of satisfaction Okay right

I'll Right So basically Bohemian Rhapsody The thing that pissed me off I can't get I'm not letting him get No

Satisfaction Sleep Go on The thing that pissed me off About Bohemian Rhapsody Is he's got age I'm not letting him get no satisfaction. Sleep? Go on. The thing that pissed me off about Bohemian Rhapsody is he's got AIDS. Nobody knows he's got AIDS. He's mixing a song, and he coughs, and he gets a white handkerchief out and goes, like that, and coughs.

And then he looks at the white handkerchief, and there's a little speck of blood in the handkerchief. And they go everything all right and he goes yeah yeah and then he puts it back into his pocket and that's a really like hack way of the audience being told that his condition is getting worse oh the old age just pisses me off because the thing is is it's not true to life because if you cough now and blood came out you'd go fuck this shit I'm fucking off mate

do you know what I mean you wouldn't go depends I wouldn't you fucking would I wouldn't it depends where I was because your health anxiety

you'd be fucking planning a funeral yeah but I internalise it all I wouldn't be going hey look at this I'd do what he'd done I'd put it in there and then I'd go to the toilet

and I'd have a panic attack and I'd cry and what a better feel that'd be start having a shit shaking and i cry and what a better feel that would be start having a shit right oh two the oh two gig right did you get any money for it what no didn't get any money for it right um so i i spoke to him and stuff he was like we're a charity and i was like i don't give a shit you know like swords do you know i mean you've broken the law and he was like well faithless didn't have a problem this is all it's coming back isn't it

faithless wasn't uh didn't have a problem and i was like well i'm Faithless didn't have a problem. This is all that's coming back, isn't it? Faithless didn't have a problem. And I was like, well, I'm not Faithless. That doesn't make any difference to me. And he was like, right, well, you know, we are a non-profit. And I was like, mate, I don't give two shits. Do you know what I mean? Like, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to give me some sort of settlement figure here, pal.

And he was like, oh, okay, well, leave it with me. I've spoken to all the other acts on the bill, and they're all fucking fuming, because it was like the number one thing on O2, man, and it's so badly done. But he's ignoring me now. He's not answering any of my messages, but he sent a blanket thing out basically saying,

look, the agreement we had with o2 was that they'd help us sell the tickets and they'd give us a little bit of money towards setup costs and stuff like that it's like okay so at the time of booking when we were asking like you know is this going to be online anywhere you had a contract with o2 to provide them with footage and you just straight up fucking lied to us. But when you say it was on O2 priority, was it still behind a paywall? No. Oh.

It was just sent out for them to watch. Yeah. What we want to know is how much would you take right now out of court, Freddie? Let's be honest. You sound really indignant. That's role play. But it's...

That's role play. Oh, jeez. Judge Roe. Will you take 40? honest you sound really indignant but it's role play but it's role play oh jesus judge role will you take 40 will you take 30 there's fucking mental people they need the money i'll pay you but it can only be a little bit what do you want how much would you take for you've been emailing me every day you've been really indignant would you take, Freddie? You've been emailing me every day! You've been really indignant. Would you take 50 quid? Oh, no, mate. I'd want thousands. What?

Thousands! I think... We can't! I think... Right, so here's the thing. I would have settled original... For $150, of course. If I'd have known, right, that he...

Freddie, watch your fucking price. Stop filibustering. No, no, no. Watch your fucking price. No, listen, right. that he... Freddie, watch your fucking price. Stop filibustering. No, no, no. Watch your fucking price. There's a pandemic, Freddie. Take the 50 quid, you cheap cunt. I know you work for Spikey Mike. Come on.

Stop talking like you're fucking Lady Gaga and someone's nicked her fucking album and put it on Spotify. Fuck off. How much would you take for fucking 12 about nine people have watched them die on his ass at a refugee camp and he wants three grand i'll give you 50 quid just to wrap this story up come on freddie so i if it was the case if it was the case that he hadn't have agreed with it

at the time of us asking, and he'd have just fucking seen O2, and he'd have just thought and gone, fuck it, yeah, all right, and not checked with us, it would have been like a minimal fee that I'd have donated to charity, like 100 quid or something like that. Fuck it, whatever.

But now, he's acted so fucking duplicitously, and he's literally taken it, knowing that he can't have it, and sold it on. And so what are you invoicing for at this point? Honestly, tell us what you want! A grand. I'm telling you right now, if he gets a thing with an invoice for a grand on,

he's going to think, who the fuck is that guy? I'm having that. Oh, you're mama like that? You're mama like that? That's why you shouldn't press buttons when you can't hear the fucking thing. That was busy as fuck.

I was clapping and mama like that. By me appearing on this, does this mean that that's going to start all again? What? Who the fuck is that guy? No, no, no, no It's an old joke It's already started today

I put a tweet up saying We've got one of the most requested guests ever in the studio And about eight of the replies are that Conor McGregor gif And when I do the promo video for this It's just going to be that video Did I tell you the story about me getting recognised? I've definitely told you about this Have I told you two about this?

No, no I was in Bold Street in Liverpool. I was going up to do the roast show at Hot Water and this guy comes running across the fucking road. And this was when I had to get the train because I couldn't drive. He comes running across the

road and he goes, who the fuck is that guy? Who the fuck is that guy? Who the fuck is that guy? Like, in my face. It's alright when it's a tweet, when it's on bold streets a bit much. The thing is, is because he wasn't doing the Conor McGregor, like who the fuck is that guy?

I didn't know what he was talking about. So he comes up and goes, who the fuck is that guy? And I went, who the fuck are you? And then he was like, really like taken aback. And he was like,

oh, podcast, podcast, have a word podcast. He was dead excited. was, like, really, like, taken aback, and he was like, oh, podcast, podcast, have a word podcast. He was dead excited. I was like, oh, right, okay, hire. And then he just went back, like, he reverted and went, who the fuck is that guy? Who the fuck is that guy? And I went, is it not a bit ironic that you're saying

who the fuck is that guy to show that you know who I am, but I have no fucking idea who you are. And he looked and the cogs turned for half a second and he went, who the fuck is that guy? Who the fuck is that guy? And then he just walked off. And that was, that was it.

And I was like, I love our fans. She is podcast. They're all fucking mental. This is it. 90% of people are just sound. Do you know what I mean? They're just like,

and occasionally you'll be like, oh, you know, like, oh, I might send a tweet, whatever. And then 8% of people are weird and they are like just a bit odd. Do you know what I mean? And they're like- Oh, we're very well aware,

especially with podcast fans. Like we get a lot of weird messages. Or what's really scary is the 2% that are fucking lunatics like absolute

psychopathic will track you down on every fucking thing and like it's just unbelievable do you know what I mean

they don't make a great front row I'll tell you that oh have you have you have you had first hand experience of this bye Felicia time for a nap front row, I'll tell you that. Have you had first-hand experience with this? Bye, Felicia!

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their hands. This is Have A Wad. Welcome back. It's time for some fucking features, mate. I don't know why I do that. I do your Scouse accent on top of the real one that I've actually got I'm spending time with you

I think it's offensive, some of my best friends are Scouse No they're not Do you do any accents? I can do whatever you want mate Can you? Multi-talented, you name an accent or an impression and I'll You don't know what you've just verbally agreed to.

Silly Billy. Silly Billy. I want an Indian man who moved here in the 70s. Okay. And has lived in Norwich for a long time and has recently moved to Birmingham. Always too specific. Oh, by the way, he lost his second child.

Go. No, sorry, sorry. Recently. Go. Oh, sorry, sorry. Recently. Go. Oh, hello. It's great to meet you. Thank you ever so much for coming here. I much prefer Birmingham to Norwich,

although I have to say I miss Gurpit. Nailed it, to be fair. But there was no Norwich there. He's been in Norwich for 50 years. What's that? He's been in Norwich for 50 years. But you can take the Indian out of India. But you can't.

I don't know how the end of that sentence goes. I think that was good, though. You can take the Indian out of India, but you can't. Yeah. I've got a couple of would-you-rathers. You've got one as well, and I've got to have a word prepped. Let's have some fun. I love the would-you-rathers.

They're classics, and we don't do them all the time now. This is the house that would-you-rathers built. It was the Would You Rathers. They're classics, and we don't do them all the time now. This is the house that Would You Rathers built. It was. Would You Rather. Every time you go to a funeral, you have to interrupt the eulogy and perform hack stand-up material. I'd like that, to be fair.

Or every time you see a child, you have to point at it and shout their ethnicity. And if you don't know their ethnicity you just have a guess oh i mean he lives in bersker west lancashire so that's bersker yeah it's no is it oh is it not well i've actually recently moved to ornskirk so yeah yeah all right like a tour of all the fucking wool lands aren't you you'll be in saint helens next year yeah i've only moved there for six months because my flat's flooded in it so they're rebuilding it but quite noticeably all these all these places are 99.9 white yeah but it would still be weird he's also a tauren comedian you he plays bradford every now

and then i choose not to get it. But you just pointing at kids would, round where you're from would be easy, wouldn't it? Why, why? So what I'm going to say is that if you had to interrupt a funeral to do hack stand-up, like, it would be quite funny, wouldn't it? Like, it would.

Because the reason that hack stand-up is hack is because it works. So you would get laughs. Do you know what I mean? Do you reckon you would? I'm not the fucking widow. I've done a gig at a funeral before. Is this your husband?

No. Where's your husband tonight? In there. What a fucking nightmare that is. I've done a gig at a wake before. No, you haven't. Yes, I have. You've not done a gig at a funeral.

Wake. Yeah, the wake. Yeah, the wake. I've done a gig at a wake before. Really? Go on. Yeah. How'd it go? All right. Tell us a story. How much did you get paid? yeah the wake yeah the wake I've done a gig at a wake before really go on yeah how'd it go

alright tell us a story how much did you get paid not as much as what I'm asking from that charity did the wake go on O2 priority as well like we're just really

trying to expand our wake looks like your dad's not the only one who's died I don't think it would be dead easy to get laughs at a funeral really Spandau week. Looks like your dad's not the only one who's died. I don't think it would be dead easy to get laughs at a funeral, really. Even with hat material, I think it's a bit sombre, isn't it? I nearly tried to get laughs at my mum's.

So I was the only speaker at my mum's. The church was full. But when I got up to do... Because I was the only one who was comfortable speaking. My dad's not comfortable with that. My brother was in tears and he couldn't have done it anyway. And I was like, I'll do it. Gigs a gig. Yeah.

And I literally- Who's drinking? Did I make one? I did make one joke actually. Well, literally. Freddie. Did you hear what Freddie just did? I heard what he was about to do.

He stopped himself. But the thing is though, that's what I did. So I went, I went, look, after this, obviously, we're all going to go to the pub and get hammered because it's what she would have wanted. Nice.

And obviously, my mum was a raging alcoholic, but did I say that? Did it get a laugh? I think you did, yeah. Did it get a laugh? Yeah. Oh, mate. Yeah.

That's a high-risk laugh. It just smashed me, my eyes. You joke about it all the time, though. It's a coping mechanism, isn't it? There was a thing in a WhatsApp group group yesterday where uh somebody put a picture uh of a comedian announcing that they were doing a show and adam paul i would rather be sat in a room watching the moment that i found out my mum was dead over and over again on a loop for three hours and i put and i put how'd you get tickets for that skiddle so to priority holy shit you do joke about it's funny once we we were saying literally like i

think on the other patreon episode the other day we've never joked about each other's dads we've never done it both of our mums are dead, and we're like, ah, you're fucking mad! It's like, it's the weirdest little, it's a weird little set of rules you develop. Like, I'm a comedian, I'll joke about anything. Comics have got coping mechanisms. That's how they work. Do you know what I mean?

And we're all smart enough to know that, you know, when you joke about your mum being dead, you don't genuinely think it's a hilarious, funny thing. It's just you working through your fucking... Depends how they died, innit? If your mum broke her neck going down a slide. Funny. Sorry to hear about your mum.

Not hilarious. How did she... I know what you mean, but I don't think the kids are like, I want to cry, but I love slapstick. I'm going to miss mum, but that was a corker. Whilst it's a really sad thing, you know, we need to remember that she was raped to death by a clown.

Oh, come on. Which was the offensive bit? The clown. They have to go through a full CRB check. There's no rapist clowns running round John Wayne Gacy Who's that? The clown serial killer

Fuck off, is that real? Is John Wayne Gacy real? John Wayne Gacy is one of the most famous serial killers Is he the one from the westerns? He was an ice cream man Is he the ones from the westerns? Clowns in a western? Oh god

Were the killer clowns in westerns? No, you said John Wayne. Gacy. Yeah, yeah, surname. So, John, first name. Wayne, second name. Gacy, third name. Third name.

It's also... Third name. Your third name. Is his middle name Wayne? Yeah, John Wayne Gacy. So, it's not like Double Bad Older? No. Right, I thought you were talking about John Wayne, the actor.

No, no, no. So, John Wayne Gacy wasacy got well too into a role John Wayne Gacy was a serial killer who killed I think about 13 kids something like that

and he was a clown and if you google him John Wayne Gacy he is the creepiest looking motherfucker in the world fat horrible clown

terrifying and also as well about 6'3 he's a big guy do you know what I mean that's the weird bit about him In the world. Fat, horrible, clown, terrifying. And also as well, about 6'3". He's a big guy. Do you know what I mean? That's the weird bit about him. Killed loads of kids.

He was a clown. But 6'3". Fucking tall weirdo. You don't expect clowns to be tall. I don't mind clown child murderers. But you want them under 5'10". Don't you? Otherwise it's just weird.

He looks like an Uber driver. What? Like if he picked me up on an Uber I wouldn't question it can you pop can you pop the picture up here

yeah I would if John Wayne Gacy picked me up on an Uber I'd question it why no but only because you know it's him because he's so tall

have you seen him before oh there he is as a clown yeah see he looks like a fucking a weird cunt I'd take the funeral I'd take the funeral.

I'd take the funeral. And shouting kids' races. The thing is as well, is how many funerals do you go to in your life? Not many. Also, how many kids do you see? Fucking loads. You'd literally, it would be a once every few years inconvenience

based on a, versus a fucking, like every 20 minutes. Yeah. Dropping Etta off at primary school would be really problematic, wouldn't it? Yeah, bye-bye Etta, have a good day, African! Not where I'm from in Cheshire, love.

Have you got another? I have. Would you rather, when you have booze, only be able to drink your least favourite alcohol, but you never get a hangover. Or, you can only have your favourite alcohol, but you have a crippling hangover the day after, spewing

all day, the worst headache ever, that type of shit. This is from Angel Wilkinson. Girl, you're my angel. You're my dance. Isn't the second one just Bevy and Normal? No, no, no, like, it has to be the worst hangover every time jumanji

have you had a screamy hangover are you just on your own and you know i go fetal position like i sometimes just shout when i'm hungover right when i'm really anxious ah thanks for showing us a shout. One of those scientists will think you were so close. Oh, he almost cured something. Well, you know that I drink a lot, so this is...

You drink at home, don't you? Oh, all the time. All the time. I will think nothing about having two bottles of wine at home just for boredom's sake. Like, that's like an average day. It's an average day.

Do you remember the time? Do you remember the time that we went out on a drinking session? No. I literally don't. Can I tell this story? Is it Berlin? What? Is it Berlin?

No, no, no. What's the reason? Oh, we will tell that story in a sec, though. So hang about. Hang them out a minute. Right. Let me just tell this story first. Good direction there, Freddie. What's her age? Oh, we will tell that story in a sec, though. So hang about, hang about a minute, right? Let me just tell this story first. Good direction there, Freddie. I like it.

Thank you. If there's one thing about me, it's that I like to keep my stories straight and clear and concise. Absolutely. I always say that about you. You always know where you're going. Not short. So, right.

Adam thought that he could out-drink me or wanted to have a drink with me or whatever and i i like i'm really quite good at drinking like i i've always it's already not true i've always been a a big drinker um and it's not like i'm a lad i'm a lad i'm a lad i just really like drinking i really enjoy it so we're out and we're going to watch the tyson fury fight against uh wilder you know the one where he um got up last minute it was that one right so we've we've done a gig together at hot water and we've been drinking throughout the gig and the fight's at six in the morning and we end up in i want to say epstein um we end up in stein's in I want to say Epstein we end steins einstein's that's the one right how do I remember that so we ended up in einstein's right and the place was

packed and it was six o'clock in the fact there's a pub open at 6 a.m. on a Saturday Sunday morning called einstein's what a terrible homage to one of the most brilliant thinkers of human history. Fucking Einstein's open till 7am on fight night. Lord of Scousers going, equals MC Squid. So, so anyway,

got a fucking point there, lad. It was fuming. Yeah, but they haven't caught... So, I've been waiting all fucking night to watch this fight, right? Fury makes his ring walk down. The place is packed, right? We're stood up, we're watching it.

And Adam chooses this moment to be sick, right? Because he's fucked. But he isn't sick. Like, you know when someone's sick and they go like that he's so pissed it just fell out of his mouth so he just literally he's just stood watching the fight like this he just goes like that and about a cup full of sick and there's no retching there's no motion because he's two foot for that about he's just breathing out like yeah yeah he breathed out sick that's what happened he exhaled sick right good

god um it was about a cup full and it splashed to the ground and a girl in front in a little fucking plt dress or whatever literally like pretty little thing dress do you know what i mean uh she literally like felt it against the back of her leg and just she thought somebody had dropped some alcohol and so she just kind of like rubbed it off her leg and i was like i was like okay time to go and so i i left i left him out right and i was fine he was fucking leathered right and he goes off we get him outside we get him out concert square wherever we are we get him to a taxi rank and he goes off we get him outside we get him out concert square wherever we are we get him to a taxi rank and he goes straight for the fucking takeaway do you know

what i mean and before i can even like hail a taxi down he's fucking calling over get some chicken and chips or whatever right donna meat and chips is what he got so i'm ordering an Uber and the Uber comes and he's out of the taxi. He comes out of the takeaway, right? Now I go, okay, Adam, this is your taxi over here. And point to like a black cab and try and push him in. And he's like, no, no, I'm coming. I'm coming with you. I was like, Adam, you don't leave anyone in.

No, I'm going with you. And he gets in before i can even say anything and you know what adam's like like he's he's pretty argumentative sober do you know what i mean no no i disagree like like he's a nightmare so he gets into this he gets into this taxi right and i can i'm worrying right because i've just seen him be sick and he's in the taxi and he's got food right and he's eating food in the taxi and i say to the guy look i'm really sorry man can we go to this place first and he's like yep no problem no worries adam's eating food and i'm trying to make small talk with the taxi driver and all of a sudden i hear and we both turn around like what the fuck and there's a bit of donna kebab stuck to the window

jesus christ i've seen him do this and the dude the dude goes can you not he was he was doing it like he was fucking jim west in wild wild west and he was eating fucking grapes with seeds in them and trying to like spit them out and that's the good meat that's the bear mate so the taxi driver goes can you not can you not do that please and adam's like like that does it again and the bloke goes listen you are gonna have to stop doing that or i will pull over now and you can both get out he's like right she's totally fair enough so oh mate absolutely so we drive up to where adam lives okay we drive we drive to where adam lives and he goes i don't live here and i go i, you do? And he goes, I don't, I know where I live. I don't live here.

He's deaf. In my defence, I didn't live there. So what had happened was, right, I lived at the time with my ex-girlfriend in a flat at the end of the road. So we were the first house in right but it was a house that had been converted into three flats and we lived upstairs in that flat and because i lived there and all i ever needed to do was i would come in my car park right outside our flat and i didn't explore the area much if you went to the very end of our road there was another block of flats that

i'd never seen. But it was similar? No. It just looked completely different, but it was my road, but I'd never been there. And he's drove all the way down there and gone, this is your road. And I've gone, it's fucking not.

Adam's absolutely right. In his defense, we were 20 yards away from where he lived and the thing is is had adam looked forwards he'd have seen his own flat um so he refused to get out and the taxi driver looked at me as if to say you're losing your five stars do you know i mean like this is ridiculous and so i said look is there any chance you could just drive literally 15 yards that way and he'll see his house? And I was like, okay. So he drives 15 yards that way.

And I'm going to go, stop! Like that. And we're like, yeah, he's literally like, Olivia. Like, proved it, told you so. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, he's literally like, Olivia. Like, proved it, told you so. Do you know what I mean?

So he gets out. He gets out and the taxi driver goes, take your rubbish. And he goes, what? And he goes, your rubbish. You've left some rubbish in the back. He goes, like that. And then he fucked off and went inside, right? And then the taxi driver just sort of closed the door and you could see that there was a rage,

you know what I mean, inside. And I've got a fucking 40-minute, like, drive back to fucking Bersko with this guy. So he literally gets in the car and I said, mate, I said, look, I said, I'm so sorry about that. I said, he's had too much to drink. He's not usually like that. I lied for you. I said, he's not usually like that. And he's, you know so sorry about that. I said, he's had too much to drink. He's not usually like that. I lied for you.

I said, he's not usually like that. And he's, you know, sorry about that. And I'll take the stuff that he's left. And the guy went, yeah, no, I appreciate that, mate. He says, it's a shame. No, I always really liked his hot water comedy videos. Oh. Oh.

Oh, God. That's the fan. oh dear I like to say on the off chance that that guy still likes my videos after that and has got into the podcast

if you get in touch with us we'll send you a t-shirt that's a 50% off please sign up to the Patreon mate

you can have a fucking t-shirt you can have a t-shirt a hoodie a mug I'll come Please sign up to the Patreon. Mate, you can have a fucking t-shirt. You can have a t-shirt, a hoodie, a mug. I'll come and sign your wife's tits. I will say this,

that night got worse for me. So I got in. I'd had murder with my ex-girlfriend earlier that day and that's why I got so drunk

because I was like, I'm getting fucking hammered can't be arsed. We had murder when I got in and I ended up in my street absolutely butt naked

looking for me wallet that she'd hid. Really? I was in and I ended up in my street absolutely butt naked looking for me wallet that she'd hid really? I was like I lost me wallet do you know what though to be fair to you is you set a furious pace that night

so the problem I have with drinking right if I'm on a sesh if it's drinks drinks let's just get drunk if I've got a drink in my hand I can't not drink it like I'm just a sesh, if it's drinks, drinks, let's just get drunk. If I've got a drink in my hand, I can't not drink it. It's just constant. It's just constantly drink, drink, drink. And as soon as it's finished, I get another one.

It's just the way my friends have always drank. I'm the same. I take my pint to the toilets. You can't drink quite well. I got spiked once when I was 18. And if you've never been spiked before, it's fucking bad. I take my drinks to the box with me. Oh, yeah.

Definitely. I want to tell the story before we go anywhere else, even if we don't end up doing another Would You Rather. I can't. My battery's out. I've got a story about Freddie. And I think this story divides opinion. And I think a lot of our listeners will want to get involved

and vote on this. Right? And we voted. The other vote on it, I think a lot of our listeners will want to get involved and vote on this we voted the other vote on it I think and we'll say what it is again and you'll get to vote on yours so when you went away for a week and we brought Paul Smith in to guest co-host we told the story or one of the stories

from Paul Smith's first stag do from his ill-fated first marriage in which Paul Blair was a bit of a nightmare and the chaos that ensued. On one of the days, Paul Blair, who drinks like no one else

I've ever seen in my life, he will get up. I've been out till 7 o'clock in the morning with Paul Blair and you will wake up at lunchtime to a text from him going we're going again and he's like fine and you're like so freddie is like i'm the best drinker in the world no that's not that's not what happened no i'm going to embellish a little bit though okay this is my version of the story it's not far away can you imagine well to be fair i didn't go on a stag do and go, hello, lads, I'm the best drinker in the world.

He challenged me. You challenged each other. Okay. There was a back and forth, and it was like, well, let's have a drinking contest then. So they went round for round, drink for drink, the exact same drink constantly. Every time one had a pint, they had a pint.

If they had a vodka and coke, they had a vodka and coke. Jacked on. Whatever it was, drink for drink, round for round. And then they keep going. Everyone's getting more and more drunk. And to be fair to Freddie, even when he's getting drunk, his behaviour in his face and his words,

he doesn't... I can tell when he's drunk because I've drank with you a few times now. But there's not a lot of tells where there's once Paul Blair's drunk, he will rap battle a stranger, regardless of whether he's in the country he was born in. Got a good poker face.

Yeah. He really has. Blair hasn't. Blair, like, four pints in, he's like, Hey, poker! Well, another thing about Blair as well is that he gets to a level of drunk more quickly than most people, in that he's actually, from sober sober to pissed he's a bit of a

lightweight actually and after four or five pints he'll be pissed but he's quite good at maintaining the piss level so he doesn't just get worse and worse and worse exactly once he hits pissed he stays at pissed for pretty much the majority of the night. That's a really expensive form of drinking because you're hammered. You drink and spend like a drunk person, but you never stop. Like, if you keep going at that level, that's like £27 rounds every time, isn't it?

I'm like a light switch with drinking. So I can have 10 pints and you would not know I'd had a drink sometimes. And then the sip of the 11th is like, and I'm a different person. You're vacant. You're naked in the street looking for wallets. Absolutely. Well, not about me this one.

We've had my torture, right? So they go and drink for drink, round for round, and we end up in a bar, which is a chain, there's some of them over here now as well, called Belushi's, right? They have a comedy club in the basement of the one in Berlin. And we all got told under absolutely no circumstances were we allowed in. Because we were going to go and watch the German open mic show. We're all upstairs.

On Ozwei. We're sat around a table. Freddie is largely like he is now. But I can tell he's on his way. Because we drank all day. And Blair... I was holding up pretty well you were doing okay

I was fine you were doing okay and Blair fell asleep at the table right and he was asleep he disputes this I think he was asleep for

what would you say it wasn't long was it no it was 15 minutes it wasn't late he thinks it was like an hour and a half, and it wasn't.

No, no, no, it wasn't an hour and a half. No, no, no. I was going to say about 20 minutes. Yeah, it was about 15. It was certainly longer than 15. I don't think it was as long as half an hour, but the point being is that I was largely fine, and I remember clear as day,

Carl saying to Adam, how is he fine? Like, you said, or you said something about that, about me, like... That's only Like, or you said something about me. That's only because he hadn't seen you drinking before. So here's the thing, right? So I was fine.

He was asleep, right? So I said, are we calling this now then? Is this done? And they were like, yeah, it's done. That's not what happened. Well, the whole thing rests on that as a consensus, that I was told that, yep, this is done. He's asleep.

And I was like, great. Didn't happen, did it? No, no, no, no,

no. This is literally the whole fucking thing because could you clear this up for me, please? Carried on. I went to the bar because we're like, okay, this is the, that's the end of the challenge.

I went to the bar to order more drinks for myself because i'm on holiday and i got myself a double gin and lemonade and i got myself a shot and i had both quickly and then i was like oh that's not good and i went outside and i was sick right i was there okay so what happened was paul blairs fell asleep right and actually happened, which you've confabulated in your favour through retelling this story, and he will back me up, is that you said, right, he's asleep, I've won, I'm going to get a drink.

That's what happened. You decided it was over because he was asleep, and you went and got yourself a drink. And then Paul Blair woke up. You weren't sick immediately. No, you were going home. You were... No no I wasn't you were 100%

honestly you went home though so Blair then wakes back up and carries on drinking because that's who he is he's like I'm awake round two

he carries on and then Freddie was sick outside was told he couldn't come back in and was forced to go home he had to clean it up first yeah

he had to literally hammered in the middle of Berlin, was given a mop bucket, a brush, and had to clean the streets of Berlin. When you say clean the streets of Berlin, it sounds like a musical, doesn't it? It really does sound like he was in a Western musical. And he cleaned the streets of Berlin,

the drunken Englishman. But they were, and I remember this very well, they were furious that a stag do that had been drinking all day had gone into their establishment, and one out of a stag do of 12 had been sick outside. Yeah, but you were sick on the window. And they were furious. It was a Tuesday

in November. And you were sick on the window. So what was going to lose this competition? At what point are you...

The competition was who is the best at drinking. So here's the thing. Freddie thinks he won because Blair fell asleep. I think the fact that Blair woke back up

and was the last person out and Freddie went home after being sick. Paul Blair was never sick. I think that means Paul Blair woke back up and was the last person out and Freddie went home after being sick. Paul Blair was never sick. I think that means Paul Blair was... How long do you have to be asleep?

Like, if you're asleep for two days and then you start drinking again, you're disqualified, aren't you? I feel if you have a sleep, if you have like four hours plus, that's a sleep in it.

Four hours plus. So let me get this straight. I would have had to wait for four hours in the club, not drinking anything. Maybe an hour. That was the other option. Because here's the thing, right?

Maybe an hour. You've taken this really personally. I had to sit there for an hour while he's not waking up now. Look, here's the thing, right? I was sick because I had victory mode in, and I went, whee, and drunk this too quickly, and I was sick. That was a stupid thing.

Had they said, no, you haven't won, you'd need to wait, I would have just sat there and waited for him to wake up and not been sick. The competition was over when I was fine and he was asleep, and that's the end of the matter as far as I'm concerned. Can I tell you, I prefer the stories that end up with Adam naked in the street looking for a wallet. They're my favourite.

I think it's a hard thing to... They're obviously both very good drinkers, but it's definitely more funny listening to you flicking the bean at a fucking Uber driver. Flicking me bean? What's not having a fucking wank in the back of the taxi? You went far off. What's that? is that your kebab

no oh Jesus oh Jesus podcast done so I would choose to have my favourite alcohol and have the hang oh actually no

I'd have my least favourite alcohol thanks for clearing that up she literally said on the email can you please because she's emailed before or would you rather and at the end of this she's emailed before, would you rather? And at the end of this email,

Angel literally put, and can you please answer the fucking question this time? What is your least favourite alcohol? Probably like really shit vodka. Really? Where's the nigga? Vodkat. No, like vodka that stinks.

It smells like hand sanitiser. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Shite vodka. Oh, yeah. Full strength, but Shite vodka. Oh, yeah. Full strength, but just shite. I fucking hate whiskey. Oh, I love whiskey. Dan, I'm the same.

I'm the same. A little Lafraga up there. I really like whiskey. You bought me that. Lafroga. Lafroga, you bought me. I can't do whiskeys. I did.

Why did I buy you that again? Because I asked you to put a bet on for me. And you did. It was a horse race. Oh, the one that I tipped you off on you said yeah and i would do as a favor put 20 quid on that or 10 pound each way and i didn't put the 20 quid in your account so then it won and i felt guilty because you it was your money that had been and i was like just keep it lad because it was like 50 or 60 quid and he went sent me an address and

he bought me a bottle of whiskey with the money instead of giving me the money yeah there's not much i don't like couldn't drink that gin is i love a gin well the thing is is i don't mind gin that's flavored uh in other ways do you know i mean like like a berry gin or something like that when it tastes of like doesn't taste like gin do you know it tastes like fucking soap and it's like it's a very it's a very acquired taste of gin and tonic and people are i always drink gin and tonic you're like really every that's your go-to but matt like once in a while when you fancy something different on holiday sometimes a fucking gin and tonic on a warm night is nice i have some nights on gin and tonic i do like i'll have beer i always start on beer what's it called The quinine Quinine

Quinine Quinine That's in gin It's very tart isn't it And like You know Is that the tonic It's in the tonic isn't it

Juniper is the Juniper is the taste Juniper is the Gross horrible fucking taste What podcast are we doing Who likes the gin and tonic What's the taste like Oh my god

I do want our listeners To weigh in, though. So comment on this video on YouTube, please. Oh, yeah, sorry. Or send us a tweet and let us know, based on the information we gave you, whether you think Freddie or Paul Blair won that drinking challenge. I'm really interested to see what the popular vote is.

Most people who know the story, sorry to tell you this, think Paul Blair won. The fact that you were sick and went home. I know you don't, but I want to tell you this, think Paul Blair won. The fact that you were sick and went home. I know you don't, but I want to see what our listeners think. But what you do is you bastardise the story to fit your own agenda. That's literally what you do. I've got no dog in the race, really.

The only biased person really is you. You do, because I don't book you. Like, if you fall out with Paul Blair, you're losing ten grand a year, pal. That's a good point. I'm more than happy if you get um if if you won i will do another one with put you can fucking live stream it and i will win again patreon.com slash have a word pod coming next week should we do the support card you know like on a fight

you may have a drink because i this is out this would be like a flyweight taking on like the fucking heavyweights i've seen like I've seen you drink turbo shandies and you have two and you fucked so I would absolutely walk all over you

we should have a drink in the studio sometime you know we should maybe we're working on something

maybe we're working on another lockdown towards Christmas or something something like that maybe bring a

guest in maybe Carl could get involved bit more than he normally just something let's work on that let's work on that

alright let's think about it shut up if you've enjoyed this as always please just like the video leave a comment and fucking subscribe

and ring the bell it really helps us what are you laughing at it really really helps if you do that and if you really love this podcast and you haven't already signed up to Patreon

please go and do it you will love it the patreon episodes are even better than the guest ones we get so many messages from people saying it's the best money they spend all month and it starts from just three quid you get like six hours extra content a month for three quid that's a patreon.com slash have a weird pod we've got new merch coming soon in about a month's time and we want to thank freddie for coming in am i allowed to plug something yes everything you want what's your social handles everything only like all i'm asked about is youtube uh youtube.com

forward slash freddie quinn comedy uh what i've got that i would like to plug is over uh august and september i did some outdoor comedy gigs and got them filmed and i was there with one of you oh yeah um so we did one in a fucking barn in angle c we did one in a building site we did one in gardens and stuff the great um well sorry the cricket pitch one was the cricket pitch one yeah we did we did loads right uh and they're going to be available online youtube.com forward slash freddie queen comedy if you are listening to this on the uh patreon your patreon episodes go out friday saturday don't they this will no so this will go out this is a public episode this is a public episode uh the patreons just get 48 hours early access so this will be out saturday oh right okay saturday for patreon and publicly on monday

so if you're listening to this uh on patreon then then the first episode, which is to 12 people in a barn in Anglesey, will be out on Sunday at 7pm. And if you are listening to it publicly, you can go and watch it now. And it's completely free to watch. All I ask that you do is, if you want to subscribe to it, you'll get videos every week for like the next six weeks. And they are filmed well. Six videos he's filmed, you hear that? that six fucking videos can't get enough of them all right because i don't have a thousand patrons give me a fucking five for a month and telling me it's the best five quid they've ever spent love you guys uh we love you all if you could uh give us a like um uh and comment or something like that

then it helps the video out all right that's enough plug whatever you want plug whatever you want thank you Freddie thanks for coming in man really appreciate it thank you for having me lads it's been a pleasure and you're Freddie Quinn on pretty much all social media

just literally YouTube facebook.com forward slash Freddie Quinn comedy could you give us a bye Felicia what's a bye Felicia a bye Felicia

I just want you to say I want you to look at that camera and just say bye Felicia that's how we end every episode. Bye, Felicia. You can tell he's never listened to a fucking three minutes.

Go on, give us a bye, Felicia. What? Bye, Felicia! Wow, he's so white. Sorry, was it meant to be, like, urban?