Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #92 with Barry Dodds - IN STUDIO - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: November 2, 2020

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Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? When she pick it up every time she's on the talk, molded by it. Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? When she pick it up every time she starts to talk, give her the dick. Disgusting! She'll be like, hello. What? Oh, what I'm doing? This is when you get it. What I'm doing? Oh, none.

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Have you heard me, girl? I've hurt me dick One second One second Let me just buckle up I had sex last night I did Yeah Like we won't go in Oh

There's a knock on the door Leave it alone Leave it recording. Leave it recording. Someone's knocking on the door. Who needs us? What is this? Very interesting, isn't it?

Do you reckon we're in trouble for something? I'm such a little fucking pussyhole. I was like, oh, shit. It's the fire lady. What was it? It was the fella. The salmon one. Ian. Ian. Yeah, the visor and the fucking bib on. Like, he was cooking. little fucking pussy I was like oh shit it's the fire lady what was it it was the fella the salmon Ian Ian yeah

he had a visor and a fucking bib on like he was cooking right he was cooking or like he was coming to test us all for Covid

I'd love a test maybe because he said he'd come back later honestly I'd love a test would you yeah

see I don't want to risk it me what I don't want to risk like being asymptomatic and having it and they go you've got to stay in for two weeks

can't be arsed with that oh yeah just spread it because you can't be sitting at home yeah alright cool genuinely

thanks mate if you were asymptomatic would you would you want the test and be found out you've got to stay at home there's loads of studies saying you can't pass it on

anyway me day if you're asymptomatic you can't pass it on is that true? I've seen a couple of things on Twitter because one of the symptoms of coronavirus is cough and sneeze,

and that's how you pass it. If you're not coughing and sneezing... You've got to be kissing. You've got to be licking something, or... Anyway, back to last night. Yeah, let's not gloss over that. Because you're, sorry, asymptomatic, I mean, what damage could you do?

So you fucked someone last night. Great, great, great. So you licked and kissed someone. All right, cool, cool, cool. Look, we won't go into too many details alright alright all I'll say is

I've been on a few dates and we had sex and um you punched her it's not the fucking no that's not been on a few dates

she likes it rough and now I'm gonna be in court Tuesday fucker but like you know when you're fucking going for it right

you know when you're fucking going for it right and you know when you're really putting a shift in and you're like your arse is going like a bees wing right you know when you're just fucking flying right

what the fuck hey yeah but I was going fucking mad and while I was doing it me dick slipped out oh yeah

and then she closed over as it went to go back in she closed over like you know like feed me Seymour you put it wide

yeah yeah I hit the post and I stubbed me dick it was like you know when you kick the end of the bed with your big toe I've done that loads

oh yeah it's really painful though but then I carried on obviously I had a job today I've got a small dick I do it every stroke I'm like

vagina gooch vagina gooch thigh thigh thigh women don like vagina gooch vagina gooch thigh thigh thigh women don't have

goochers what are you fucking hitting here is this back to your fucking hatred

revelation what are you talking about women don't have a gooch what do they have they just have

a little fucking like lip between one hole and the other oh

doctor row you need to go back to fucking Wigan University they have a perineum we all do it's that magic no man's land it's the gooch i had that in nando's last week women have goochies tell me yeah but they're much smaller than the males it's not a gooch is it thank you david attenborough You could have a game of fucking table tennis

on my gooch. You couldn't do that. Legs up. What a horrible game of table tennis that would be. Fucking hell. But yeah,

I've stubbed my dick. On a gooch? On something. Maybe a leg. Don't you say she closed over? That's what I felt like happened.

I felt like, because I felt like it had come out And then as I'd come out A vagina had gone Like a Venus flight shop Yeah Like a Venus flight shop And it had just gone

You're going nowhere, Sonny Let's have a rest for a sec Oh, now we're back But I hit it while it was That's what I felt I didn't see it Okey-doke Because I was, you know

Looking at it I Honestly I didn't notice it had slipped out I was going fucking When you looking at air. I, honestly... I didn't notice it had slipped out. I was going fucking... When you missed the keel. Yeah. Yeah.

I hit the fucking front door. Let's just fucking Charlie Sloss it. What, you... Say that again. Perfect. You think the vagina closes over for a bit of a fucking break here. Oh, we're banging.

We're banging. We're banging. Just give us a breather. We're banging. We're banging. we're banging we're banging like it's a fucking i didn't know what happened all i know is no you don't know i fucking me dick hit hit something that wasn't wet so early it's just so early in it i'm dirty you're dirty and he's dirty but he's dirty quicker than everyone else in innit? We warm up. Look, if this happened to me last night,

I can't not start with this story, can I? No. I can't risk not getting onto this later in the pod. No, I was going to talk about the fact we went to Pizza Hut, and now I'm glad we didn't open with that. Are you injured, then? Oh, I'm just eating too much bread and cheese. I got a fucking sore dick. Do you know what happened?

Do you know when a footballer pulls his hamstring but carries on? Oh, he's made it worse. Maybe. Because I carried on for that one, made sure everyone had a nice time and got to the end. And then we'll lay there for a bit and something happened

or she started doing something and he woke up and I was like, he feels all right. What? He woke up? He's injured? No, but it felt all right. Like saving Ryan well no no no man it felt all right so I was like playing to the pain

yeah yeah you know what it was right I pulled my hamstring on a premier league game on Saturday right played to the end and then afterwards was like probably shouldn't have played to the end but then champions league game midweek you know what I mean yeah it was like, probably shouldn't have played to the end. But then, Champions League game midweek. You know what I mean? Yeah. It was like, no, I can play. I'm absolutely sad. But then at the end of the Champions League game, it was like, you might have torn something here.

Yeah, you're going to miss the next two fixtures. I love how you're so confident that your dick is a Premier League, Champions League player. I think it might be League One. St. John's, that's paint trophy. It's like Ukrainian Premier League. A scorehead trick. St. John's paint trophy like Ukrainian Premier League I play for Shakhtar Donetsk mate

Shakhtar Donetsk Shakhtar so do I need to see an hospital or something no no is there visible

injuries no no is there fuck visible injuries there was no visible injury on Van Dijk's

knee and it looks like he's out for a year I don't want to be out of me fucking banging it little Vinny's not going to be out for a year I don't want to be out of me fucking banging him little Vinny's not going to be out for a year

though is he we'll see come on we just don't know it's touch and go got enough for a scan mate if your dick's a

Premier League player you've just been through the coronavirus fucking season being like paused he's back in he just wants to play the game

you've been single for a while gonna have to take an injection and play through the pain he's just he's just happy to be back doing what he does yeah yeah um but yeah i've hurt my dick some of the imagery that you gave us there of like i honestly yeah you know because it was it was like don't it's hard as fuck. And it's like...

Oh, yeah, we've all had it, mate. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you actually done it before? Yeah. I mean, it's... Have you ever done it before? Have you ever done it before? I've done it loads.

It's not common, but it's a... Do you get excited, Karl? Is that what you're saying? You get a bit too vigorous? Yeah, when you're getting a bit fucking into the rhythm, it can happen. Yeah, it's never happened to me. Rhythm is gonna get you.

Rhythm is gonna get you rhythm is gonna get you you have to get it la la la la la la la la la I've never been keep it in it's never been a major it's been like a we'll finish and then

we're gonna have to come back tomorrow oh yeah yeah yeah ooh do you ever get how did she react did she just take it like a fucking trooper

like T1000 like just fucking swallowed it up I think what happened was as I carried on like 20 seconds later I think I grim up I think what happened was as I carried on like 20 seconds later I think I grimaced I think I was like

you know when you're trying to run it off oh right right and she went are you alright and then I went tried to put like

a big happy I was like yeah I carried on so she asked was I alright once and then we carried on and I just you know

I made sure the game that both that both teams were happy with the result stop doing football analogies you little fucking weirdo we do it for everyone

no no it's just and you know afterwards we had the interview and then we had a rub down and just looking forward to a transfer really

to some a bigger club and what I absolutely don't want to be going anywhere near a bigger club how how does it't want to be going anywhere near a bigger club. How does it feel to be back in the game? Oh, it feels wonderful.

With a row D. Is it nice? Yeah. Did you get all self-conscious where you're like, I'm getting naked? No, because the last time I fucked someone, I was three stone heavier. So you were like,

Ta-da! Patrick Bateman. Oh my goodness me. Do you need some kitchen roll? Because you must be pretty damp. Oh my God. Yeah, you forget that though because in comparison to my own picture of myself

in the mirror naked, I look fucking great at the minute. But this still is a problem to a new pair of eyes. She's like, are you okay? Is everything all right? Jesus. Did you leave your t-shirt on in the pool

was it one of them did I leave my t-shirt on did you go full nuddy have you ever seen that I was full nuddy I left my socks on at first when you were like t-shirt then when we finished

I was like I'm going to take these off you wore socks I was fully dressed and then it just started happening oh lord so she undressed me

but she never got down to take me socks off. No, you do it yourself with your toe. Come on, lad. You can take your socks off. Come on, mate. With your feet. Adam. Yeah?

The other foot? Everyone can. It's the gentlemanly slip and slide. Are you messing? I honestly cannot get my head around being able to do that. You get your big toe in there, and you're like, you know, while you're... Well, I able to do that. You get your big toe, you get your big toe in there and you're like, you know,

while you're... Well, I didn't do that. I finished having sex and then realised I still had my SpongeBob socks on. That bullshit. No, they were just

black Nike ones. You can't be having Nike ones. Like the thick ones. Can I just say, by the way, you can be having sex with your socks on.

You can't. Just not early days. The second time. Not early days. The second go. Champions League game. I took them off. Sex never your socks on just not early days the second time not early days the second go champions league game I took them off sex never with socks on

why haven't we got a camera on you we need a camera on you you've been a bit I want everyone to see the look of disgust on Carl's face he's like

for fuck's sake lad you fucking take your socks off with magic that's what you fucking do well I noticed I got to the end

and I was like I've got my socks on I'm taking them off and I was like, oh, my socks are on. I'm taking them off and I sucked them off. She definitely noticed, by the way. So what? I can tell.

I can tell. That's debut. You wore your T-shirt inside out on your debut, basically. It's the number on the front. Yeah. If it carries on, though,

if it carries on as a thing, if it develops and blossoms, you fucking leave everything on, don't you? You get to a point in a relationship, mid-winter, where basically... Shag him with your jeans on. Oh, mate. Just, like, slightly pull her pyjama bottoms down,

like, go on, then, go on. That is love after about five years of, like... I've been with my girlfriend nine years, it fucking isn't. Carl, I'm getting bored of how amazing your life is i've never thought in front of my girlfriend i'd never dream of it in front of my angel i get i get naked through telekinesis shut up you rat slipping down a bit so in the midwinter when you're like can we have a can we have a sex baby and she's like oh have you brushed your teeth yeah and then she's like just quickly then you're like yeah that's the future sounds horrible

did like did this start at a certain phase of your relationship it was it after you got married after you got engaged after the kid was born is that when it became sort of oh go on like when did you start gradual because in my head now when you said you leave everything on you've got you've got your gillet on you've got

your fucking gillet with gilet gilet you fucking Tory gimp listen just call it a fucking body warmer

and don't make yourself look like a fucking thick cunt have you got your fucking gillet on Jesus it's a gillet though innit it's a gillet it is a gillet but in Liverpool it's a gillet inn you got your fucking gillet on? Jesus. It's a gillet though, innit? It's a gilet.

It is a gilet, but in Liverpool, it's a gillet, innit? You wear a gillet. It's just a nut. Do you eat fucking croissants as well? No. No? No. We have fucking toast like normal wear.

What do you call a croissant in Liverpool? One of them fucking round cakey things. One of them noncy bread breakfast shits. What do you shave your face with? Not manscaped a razor yeah what blonde a gillette nice

a bich a bich actually a bich when I go for Mexican I get a fajita I love tortillas and fajitas yeah it's just like

it's fucking linguinis like him and everyone all the fucking gimmicks no it's not you're just wrong I linguinis like him and all the fucking gimmicks. No, it's not. You're just wrong. I love it when you defend yourself.

I'm not saying I'm right, but I'm saying it's still all right to say it like that. But I love it how he always makes Liverpool a part of it. There's loads of people from Liverpool going, shut the fuck up, Adam. No one's... You just say Gilly. You knew what I meant.

The only reason for language to be a thing is so that you can understand what I'm talking about. I said gilly. You knew what I meant. So therefore, the purpose of that word was saved. Shut up. I knew what you were talking about because you fucking touched the thing.

Every time. No, because in Liverpool, we say gilly and there's literally 10,000 Scousers going, no, we don't, mate. No, we don't. I'm not saying that. But look, the only reason for words to exist Is so that you can understand

What I'm talking about And you understood What I was talking about Because you touched it And you pointed at it Oh if I'd have said gillet You'd have been like What could you possibly mean

Leave my gillet on While I sat there in a gillet It sounds like A bird Don't it Have you ever seen the beautiful I'm right though aren't I That's the purpose of words

So like That's where slang comes from innit Yeah That's the purpose of language But you're also wrong Yeah But where slang comes from, innit? Yeah, it's the purpose of language, but you're also wrong. Yeah. But it doesn't matter if I'm wrong as long as you understand me. Mate, you're having a fucking nightmare there. Climb off the old ladder.

I've never kept a body warmer on during sex. I'm just saying, in bed, you leave your socks on. You leave your T-shirt on sometimes, don't you? I love how at the start, you were actually in support of me, and I managed to get pissed off with you. Do you wear a t-shirt in bed? I do sometimes.

I don't wear pyjamas. Yeah, they don't even. I think they're a bit noncy pyjamas. I actually find it more sexy when a girl's

got clothes on. Do you know what I mean? Must be a problem when, you know, you're out in public and Morrison's like, oh my god look at her wearing jeans the dirty bitch did i say this on an episode of this to me and nando's now into

toilet yeah like i find clothes attract like pajamas are fucking great like a skirt you know i'm like fucking jaru i gotta finish for fucking you with your skirt on that's me right i get that yeah i get that do Yeah, I get that. Do you know what I mean? But you're not getting girls to go to bed in like full fucking skirt and everything, are you? No. Yeah, okay. But I get it.

Like the lingerie thing, some clothing stuff. I think secretary porn is quite sexy. Just like a loose fit and t-shirts and a pair of like shorts. Like cyclic shorts. Just any clothes whatsoever. So you like footy shirts? Yeah. And loose, you like footballers? Oh, a pair of like shorts like like just any any clothes so you like footy shirts yeah you like a bit of a footy shirt yeah yeah so what do you watch football and you want to

shag all the men because i don't you know why because they're men playing football rather than being a sexy woman in a footy top i feel like i feel like what carl did there with the banter was his dick came out and then he's fucking hit his dick on a leg. We have this discussion all the time now. Then he thinks he's winning, but the bigger point is, you love girls going, I'm in your team's top. It doesn't have to be my team. It doesn't.

No. She ends up in a blue shirt. I would absolutely fuck the life out of a girl in a Coventry top. Yeah. Coventry. I Yeah. Coventry? I think that actually counts as like a fetish. Even lads in Coventry are like, what the fuck? I grew up with a fucking nuts and zoo magazine.

I used to buy them and keep them under me bedside drawers. Don't count Liverpool. Right. What are the most fuckable? You've got a fit girl. Old lady tits. Right. What, you know, old fucking clothes vagina. fuckable you've got a fit girl old lady tits right what

you know old fucking clothes vagina what what are the shirts that you find most bangable I'd say Dortmund's up there Dortmund

oh of course it is because you're a fucking little poor fan right go on next next I don't love Dortmund

you mean just because of the clop I'm not saying that it's just because it's yellow and it'll go well with blonde hair do you not have to bicker on everything? Stevenage.

Let's get... Stevenage. Stevenage have Burger King on so I could be like, fuck it, I go, oh, we could get a burger after this. Exactly. Have a Burger King sponsor, don't you?

Like, there's two layers to that. I'm horny and I'm hungry. Let's do both. There's two layers. That's fucking really... There's two layers there. Real Barca. I don't like them as clubs

but yeah does that affect it yeah he's shagging thinking about their transfer policy do you know what I mean I'll never forgive

Real Madrid for Michael Owen and I'll never forgive Barca for Coutinho or Suarez the fit is who's your like who's the one

who's the one that gets you going like celebrity yeah who's you know Lady Diana Who's

Best in pieces Who's Helen Mirren Who are you into? It used to be Pixie Lott Oh Mate Yeah

So rare that we agree on this thing Yeah She's fucking hot man Mila Kunis Mila Kunis Right okay so Pixie and Mila are there And Mila

Right We go Pixie Go Pixie Lott And she's got Mila We go Pixie Go Pixie lot And she's got a bar set up on And she's like Just come Adam Just get little Vinny out

And come and bang me And you're like Oh no I can't Coutinho No I think I would be able to do it But it would just take It would become a 9 out of 10 Rather than a 10

You'd have to not think about certain transfers I'd have to have Coutinho on the back of the shirt And a Coutinho mask on And a Coutinho. I'd have to show Coutinho on the back of the shirt. And a Coutinho mask on. And a Coutinho mask on. What if it was Coutinho? Could you put Coutinho in his basket? Now, erm... Which footballer would you

if you had to bang a famous footballer? Michu. He had that one good season, didn't he? He had one good season and he had lovely hair. Honestly, what do you knobheads talk about when you go to Nando's? Yeah he had that one good season Didn't he He had one good season And he had lovely hair Honestly What do you knobheads Talk about when you go to Nando's

Because He didn't even Have to think about it He just pulled out A reference from the 2007-2008 season Like it was Like

Mate Meet you Obviously That chiseled Spaniard Yeah I'd have went there in Dublin Because he like He'd wrap you up, wouldn't he?

He's big. See, those fussy kids, the Claret and Blues, I don't think they'd do it for me. There's something about them. Yeah, not into a West Ham top. Yeah, he can. But me too.

That was just joking. I know, it was good. But... It came from somewhere real, that, didn't it? It was too quick. He nailed it. But yeah, there's some, like,

big Europeans, like, I like a big European. The current Juventus, the way it's on, the dark blue one, that would be good on a, yeah.

Also depends on what colour the hair, what colour hair the girl's got, because that's the fucking girls in football tops, trying to be sexy. It's so like 10 years ago, in Nuts magazine. Yeah, well that so like 10 years ago in Nuts magazine yeah well that's why

I used to buy Nuts magazine I just can't believe you still think that is sexy it is it just is it's really not it is

I get to decide what it is gonna get my fucking car souped up get some fucking get a spoiler on it microwave in the back like the rustlers had

what about chin pads what no chin pads don't do it for me it's it's not that much of a stretch is it it's fucking go girl uh what goalie gloves no it's just the top i don't know what it is i i've told you before i'm into like fancy dress as well what it's halloween turns them on yeah right, what? So, girls doing sexy Halloween? No.

No. You could be dressed as fucking Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. Just all fancy dress. Yeah, like cosplay, I think they call it in the porn world. Like. You put a blue wig on. I don't think it's porn. It's not.

It's not really porn. It's just. It's almost like from Comic-Con, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Now, we're straying into talking about stuff where the people who are into it get fucking militant about it so we're gonna have to be kept because we trounce all over

some stuff but we won't have to be careful with me because i'm fully on board with what to get dressed up but i like it just does it for me i don't know what it is halloween doesn't have to be sexy doesn't have to be sexy at all like proper zombified blood dripping from your face get to ours girl right let me stub my dick on your thigh are you going anywhere for halloween

it's halloween this weekend are you doing anything for it this is going out on monday on the public episode i'm not no i'm hoping to be gigging

halloween you're just going around on fucking trick or treats with your knob out like oh my god look at that sexy little ghost

it's a boy adam i couldn't give a fuck he's really made the effort with his outfit come on trick or treat mister i've got a fucking treat for you ghost. It's a boy, Adam. I couldn't give a fuck. He's really made the effort with his outfit. Come on. Trick or treat, mister. I've got a fucking treat for you. The fact that your

brain went there says more about you than the one who was just like, I fucking love fancy dress. Anything. Yeah, but I don't love fucking children. Yeah, you've got to weigh those off against each other. There's a trade-off there. It's the exact same thing as the footballer thing. I like footy tops, not on footballers, on women.

I like fancy dress, not on children, on women. What about injured footballers, then? What do you mean? Like if they've got a horrific injury, like a Halloween-esque injury. No, I don't. It's not. It's not. He's like a dog with a bone when he gets going, isn't he?

The common denominator has to be attractive woman, whatever's woman's footy. Yeah. Yeah. Are you seriously not doing anything for Halloween? I thought you'd be into it. If you're into costumes and fancy dress, are you not doing anything?

Well, there's no nightclubs or anything open, is there? You can't go fucking trick or treating into the world as well. Oh, yeah. What can you... We're too old for that as well. Literally, you can basically have a socially distanced, your own fucking household Halloween party, and then you're just a bellend dressed as a ghost at home.

Yeah. Yeah, take that back, actually. No one's having a great time with Halloween, are you? I've asked a few comedy clubs if they've got any gaps because I want to be gigging this weekend because I didn't gig last weekend. It feels weird to have breaks like that, doesn't it? I've got some the week after.

The next week, the 6th of November, I'm going to be in London at the O2 Forum in Kentish Town. Up the Creek Comedy Club are doing a gig. I'm going to be doing a 20-minute set there. So if you're London-based and you want to come see me... Up the Creek are doing it. I thought the Comedy Store are doing it as well. They're both doing it?

Basically because it's a bigger venue. Yeah, so the comedy clubs are hiring it so they can put more people in so that's a clever little thing isn't it because in the in the smaller venues that these places run you can't get enough people in to make it a proper gig because london gigs are so jammed in aren't they yeah because space and fucking uh properties are premium down there. How big is the Kentish Town for? I don't know. I got a phone call yesterday from Gelly, who runs up the creek. Dead good guy.

He offered me some December dates, which I couldn't do. Because in December I do Hot Water Comedy Club every night of the week apart from Sundays. I'm fully booked. The 6th of November, London. the O2 Forum in Kentish Town. That will go on sale soon, I imagine, so you can try and find tickets yourself. I haven't got a link for you.

Hot Water are doing the same at the bigger venue in Liverpool, aren't they? And on the 7th, I'm doing that. So the 6th, I'm doing it on the 14th. What is it? Where's the venue? It's the small room at the Echo Arena. The one you opened for me oh my god but they so it holds 1300 that and i think they can put 400 in at the minute so it's like a seat and then two empty ones i think um so that's their plan so the 7th of november if you want to see me do a 20

minute stand-up set in liverpool uh hotwatercomedy.co.uk and the 6th of november find up the creek at the kensington forum and obviously dan nightingale hotwatercomedy.co.uk and the 6th of November find Up The Creek at the Kensington Forum and obviously Dan Nightingale hotwatercomedy.co.uk for the 14th you won't see us both at the same time

I'm hosting that one are ya? yeah you'll fucking kill that as well I'm er I loved playing that big room for your tour

I mean obviously you did as well because it was your tour but er I've got that the natural arrogance of a performer i'm like this is where i'm meant to be yeah just walked out like i can't where the fuck's adam you're like thank you everybody thank you i can't wait until this is

all over and i get to do that room again because i know i could sell that room again now. And it will, I loved the first one and it went really well and everyone there enjoyed it. But I didn't really take it in. I didn't, I wasn't in the moment enough. Do you know what I mean? I was sort of like, oh my God, look at this 1,350 people are here to see me. This is so cool.

And I think, not that it made me have a bad performance because the energy that gave me, it just gave me a different type of performance. I think I had like this excited, half-nervous energy to it, whereas I'm at my best when I'm sort of really comfortable and I know exactly what I'm fucking doing. Yeah, I think that's every comic, innit? Yeah.

Comedy is a ladder. The whole industry and your career is a ladder. Some comics only get four steps up. At that level, you're way up the the ladder every time you go up a notch there is an element of like adjusting when you very first do a five minute gig you're like oh my god i'm just i'm on stage for the first time i'm doing five minutes and then you get used to that and then someone goes mate we've got a 10 minute middle on a weekend you're like you that, and it keeps happening up the, you're not used to doing 1,300-seaters every night.

There are comics who are used to it. I had. Give it time, and you'll be like, this is fucking home. I had played that room full before, but it was a hot water comedy club live at the thing, and I was just doing a 20-minute set on a mixed bill, and it was just the fact that it was my show. And I'd done my show the year before I did the Epstein,

which is 380 seats. We did two nights there. But to have that many people on one night in that room just for me was just incredible. And I think next time I do it, it'll be, oh, I've done this before. And I want to perform in that room the way I perform clothes in Hot Water Comedy Club where I'm just like,

it's my house and I live here. Yeah, that would be nice. And then if you make it to that gig and you really want to knock him off his fucking, just wear a fancy dress in the front row, just wear a Coutinho shirt or just dress up as a ghost and I'd be like, I'm trying to smash you,

but fuck, you look good. Is it illegal if I get out and just have a Coutinho shirt or just to dress up as a ghost and I'd be like I'm trying to smash you but fuck you look good is it illegal if I get out and just have a little like could I say that it's art what if you wank on stage

yeah yeah can you get it I was how am I shocked question on this podcast how am I how is it possible

120 records in to be like good god sir just crack one out what is it like it would be a bit out of character for you wouldn't it mate you're more like observational socio-political sort of storytelling if you just cracked one out and started doing every type of comedy there i know but you know you're just observational one-liner socio-political opinionated storytelling it's not every type of comedy I know but you know you're just observational one liner socio-political opinionated storytelling it's not every type of comedy

is it clowning yeah you're usually musical mind it is illegal oh yeah is it

defo though yeah because it's a performance you can call it in the streets a performance can't you

no because they've paid they've come to see me I didn't come to see them Not like I turned up at the house like I don't think you're selling any tickets here Adam I don't think this is the best advert For that 13 I want to be back in the show

I want to play that 1300 seater Like I'm on my couch wanking Do you know what I mean That's how I know I'll know I'm really meant to be there Like hello Liverpool Is he wearing his socks Yeah I am wearing my fucking socks Nothing else Do you know what I mean? That's how I know I'll know I'm really meant to be there. Like, hello, Liverpool. Is he wearing his socks? Yeah, I am wearing my fucking socks.

Nothing else. And a fucking Stevenage burrito. This has been a weird one. Loved it. Yeah. Bo, so you went to Pizza Hut. How am I meant to match what we've just talked about for all that time? Yeah, I did.

And I got my fucking dick out. Had a stuffed crust. Stuffed it with my dick. Yeah. Tell us your pizza story. No, it's shit. Don't want to. Come on.

It's done. Look, everyone's interested now. Carl wants to know. What did you get? No. What did you get? What did you order? No. I don't like this voice he's doing

I'm not enjoying this Can you hear his voice? No no no I've talked about my Fucking successful career And I've got my dick out on stage Mentally What did you get with your family at pizza?

No I don't I don't like the voice I resent this voice I don't trust this voice This is a bad voice I don't feel like I'm in a safe place. He's touching me. Pandemic.

Pandemic. I'm not consenting. I'm not consenting. Dan. Dan. Oh, his hands are slightly clammy. I don't know that he's washed them from last night. I haven't specifically washed them,

but they were in the shower with me. I was washing my body with them. That sounds such like murderer talk. My hands were in the shower with me. Sometimes I don't shower with my hands. I like to leave the scent of the lady. Ah, I can still smell the Borussia Dortmund home shirt. No, fuck you.

We're not talking about pizza. I just feel fat. I'm not going to go on a diet. Let's have a little interval and think about everything that we've just talked about and then crack on with this bad boy. What did you get?

Pizza, you fucking lid. Today's podcast is sponsored by SupremeCBD.UK Go and and check them out they're one of the biggest and most trusted sellers of cbd oils in the uk you'll have heard about cbd it's not weed it's not marijuana it's not got thc it's the oil derived from plant-based marijuana and cannabis it doesn't get you fucked up but it has loads loads of health benefits. CBD oil has been studied for its potential role in easing symptoms of many common health issues, including anxiety, depression, acne, psoriasis, and heart disease. For those with cancer, it may even provide a natural alternative for pain and symptom relief.

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Don't be a Tory. Down your table, Shandy, and tell a friend. This is Have A Word. We are back. I saw this on the email. Can I run it by the Lidmaster General? Of course. This is from Sean.

All right, lads. This is something that has been bothering me for a while and I'd love to hear your opinion on it. Even though the social media exposure is a positive thing for comedians and comedy clubs, I can't help but feel like it has created a bit of a breeding ground for attention seekers. Do either of you two ever feel like

a crowd or individuals in a crowd are heckling in an attempt to get themselves into a Facebook video? I used to hate the feeling of the atmosphere in a room changing when a dickhead tried to have their 15 seconds of fame by shouting at Paul Smith at hot water. It may be a useful thing for comics

to have wankers on tap, but as an audience member, I sometimes feel that you can be taken out of the moment when this type of person chirps up. Cheers, Sean. I thought after we talked about hot water, I felt that was quite pertinent. It is. It's a new thing, this, isn't it?

Only the last few years. He's right, is the answer. So there's defo, defo,o people who uh go to hot water in particular uh and are trying to get themselves on a video so they can go oh is paul smith taking the piss out of me defo happens and it's definitely not just speculation because a few months ago it must have been pre-lockdown to start start of the year, or maybe it was December last year, but, the show had started, and I was in the bar area,

just getting a bottle of water to take on stage, because I was opening the show, and there was a guy in the bar area, just stood round with two pints, and I went, he went, you alright Adam? Come to see you and Paul tonight lads,

and I was like, yeah, the show starts, and he went, yeah I know, I'm just going to walk in late and I've got he went and then Paul Smith's going to ask me this is all true, Paul Smith's going to ask me

where I've been and look at this and he'd saved a number in his phone as Paul Smith's mum and I'd like a conversation talking about shagging her and he was like he's going to ask me, isn't he, where I've been and I'm going to say, I've been texting your ma and then I'm going to show him this.

So he was waiting in the bar area to do this and I was like, oh. He had three props. Mate, to just say you're going to walk in late on purpose, he's already like, as soon as you said that, Carl, who worked at hot water and baby blue before that just went in my heart i just went oh it's so hacky but then to have three props pre-prepared like two pints and a little bit of foam banter i don't know how i'm gonna look

fucking i'm gonna look great of course the best thing is don't he walked in with his two pints paul was talking to someone else and he made a fuss of like sitting down and paul's my friend you're like mate i went straight back to who he was talking to and nothing happened it was so fucking funny that guy might even listen to this podcast i just want to let you know lads it's fucking embarrassing that you need to have a way with yourself like people you see people come in his face as he's coming you alright mate yeah just get your seat yep anyway what do you do

I'll fill you up you fucking bell whiff that's the problem with the legend of hot water and Paul Smith being because the clips that go down the best people might watch this and be like That's the problem with the legend of Hot Water and Paul Smith being... Because the clips that go down the best... People might watch this and be like,

Oh, I love Paul Smith's videos. Have you actually watched his stand-up? Because when he tells a story... When Paul's got a corking story, fucking hell. Like, our whole household uses rat from when Paul wrote that story about the... Is it about the threesome he got offered or

something yeah yeah awesome it was yeah and and it's when a great story or piece of stand-up resonates with comics it'll get retold to comics and and like it becomes part of like i don't know it's so much better than just a quick bit of banter like paul smith is amazing at that interaction but it's to you underestimate him if you think he can't do the rest well what happened when paul smith blew up um a few years ago there was other comics who didn't play hot water much or that did but only ever seen him comp him like what's he gonna do though is he just gonna go and do fucking two hours of crime oh? Oh, when the talk, yeah, okay. I literally had that conversation,

heard that conversation in so many dressing rooms. He's like, hey, you can't do what's your name, what's your job on a fucking arena. Like Paul Smith was just going to go, all right, what's your name, what's your job? What's your name, what's your job? There's 12,000 people in Paul. It'll take a while.

But what people didn't know about Paul, just to give him the props he deserves, so before he blew up, every year for the Liverpool Comedy Festival, which is a very small festival, and he could have done it outside of that, he would do a solo show every year in Liverpool, and he's fucking brilliant at putting a show together.

The only thing that I'm jealous of Paul Smith of, because I know in the past people have been like, oh, he's fucking gone through the roof, hasn't he? Like, you're doing all right. And people are sort of going, are you jealous of Paul? I'm absolutely not. He's one of my best mates. I love him and I couldn't be happier for him. But he's got this ability to something can happen to Paul that day. to something can happen to Paul that day,

and that night, he's got a 10 minute bit about it, because he's so good at going on stage, and just punching up a story live, and when I watch him do it, it fucking infuriates me, because I'm like, if I had that story happen in six weeks,

I'll make it that good, you've done it in six hours, and he hasn't prepped it, he's just gone on stage, gone, I'll talk about this story, and I'll punch it up throughout. He's fucking unbelievable at it. But to get back to the question at hand,

I've seen Paul in Newcastle. The only tour show of Paul I've seen was in Newcastle. I was at the stand, and he just happened to be doing Newcastle City Hall, and I got there to watch, and the amount of people who've gone going, it's all going to be crowd work, it's all going to be crowd work,

and what he's had to do, and I think he's happy to do this anyway, because he's known for crowd work he opens for his opener, so he goes on and he does 20 minutes of comparing even in the Echo Arena, when he played the Echo Arena he went on at the start and

they'd made a stage for him that wasn't the usual stage, he could step down onto. Like on Dave Chappelle's Sticks and Stones special, in front of the stage there was just a little platform so that they could wrap the audience around him. So he went on and did a, what do you do, what do you do, bit of piss taking.

And what he was also doing was setting up characters in the audience for his show, finding the dickhead, finding the posh guy, so he could reference them with his bit. And he does that. I love to know how far you'd have gone. Finding, you know, the Jewish guy, finding the disabled guy. Stop the list, Adam.

Finding the... All right, sorry. Finding his one Asian fan. Your eyes up there, kid! The most scouse Asian alright lad I'm dead Asian have we told you about John Chan

what yeah yeah you have yeah yeah yeah the guy who runs the Chinese we are running out of original content on this podcast

we told you about John Chan yeah yeah yeah the Asian stuff's running thin but yeah he Carl come on what you're called Sensei Carl we've got a little bit to go on Asian stuff's running thin but yeah he Carl come on what you're called Sensei Carl we've got a little bit

to go on Asian stuff oh I've got loads Paul Smith patreon.com slash have a word pod ow so he goes out does crowd work

brings his support act on they have a break and then he does his show and the reason he does it that way is so that the audience have had time to get that crowd work heckly thing out their system

yeah at the comedy club at hot water people are absolutely going at most comedy clubs you know when like you arrive at the glee club in Birmingham and the way you get into that building is the same way as the audience so you hear people getting shown to their seats and

you'll hear people going oh don't put me on the front row I don't want to get picked on Hot Water Comedy Club is the only one where I've ever heard people go, I don't want to sit there, put me on the front because they want the interaction with Paul It doesn't happen as much as you think, I fucking hated that in Hot Water

Getting people on the front row or stopping balance because if you run a comedy club there's a red light flashing when someone turns up going, I want to be in the front! You're like, you're a fucking nomad. Yeah, it was not putting them on the front because they're going to ruin it. And it was making sure... I put a lot of couples on the front because there's always fire there.

But it's people who stand up at the front. It's people who get in the front of the queue. Because you've got to remember, Hot Water's 220 people, and I've got to sit them down in 20 minutes. So it's a fucking... it's an operation. Just sit where you get told to sit. i'm not sitting on the front i'm like unfortunately either leave the queue or you are because you can't sit back to front that's impossible because if we've not got enough then oh i'm not sitting on the front lad you'd have to leave the queue then

i had to get to the point where i'm telling people to just leave then because it was yeah and that's the other that the flip side of that is some people are really into it but also the legend of our water means that some people would rather be anywhere but the front but it still comes down to you've gotta let this shit happen naturally yeah yeah you can't force it it's so fake like it also we crowds are incredibly perceptive even on like Facebook videos or whatever, you can pick up when it's not real. When you're like, that's a fucking fake. You know when there's things that have clearly been set up to go viral?

You're just like, bullshit. It's not a real video. It's the same with interaction. Crowds love it. This is why we both love stand-up. We all love stand-up. And I remember seeing Dave Johns do comedy way back, like 20 years ago,

and he just riffed for 45 minutes closing the hyena in Newcastle. And I sat there, probably like kids sit there watching Paul Smith now. If you're into comedy like you were at 18, there's a whole generation of young lads going, fuck, I want to do comedy. I've seen these videos.

Go down to Hot Water, and they must watch Paul Smith and go, you're a fucking wizard how are you doing this but when it's forced or crowbarred it doesn't half take away from the magic of it

and if if a crowd senses that something's been set up they really don't like it not that that's what we're talking about but it's just

it's like ah mate you clearly want it fuck off and also like people who aren't in comedy and i know this is sort of gonna piss off some of our listeners who think they're hilarious you're not as funny as you think you are people who try and make comedians laugh after the show it's often like you don't realize how funny our friends are you don't realize how funny a green

room is and it's they don't understand the subtlety and how something works so like when Paul's on stage and he goes to someone this is just off the top of my head so he goes oh what you do lad

and he's like I work in deliveries I'm a delivery driver I work for a pharmaceutical company and he can go fucking drug dealer right yeah that gets a laugh

but I've seen people trying to get on videos going what you do lad and he goes I'm a drug dealer and the subtlety is just fucking gone. The only reason that's funny is because when Paul's talking to someone

who clearly isn't a drug dealer, but he can draw a parallel to what a drug dealer would be, that's why that's funny. Just fucking coming in with your fucking axe and going, drug dealer! I'm a drug dealer! Play the straight man. Do us a favor.

Do all comedians a favor. When you're a comedy club, just play the straight man. When you're getting asked questions. Yeah. Hey, by the way, we're not saying if some of the funniest things I've seen is when an audience member sees the joke or sees the opportunity to just land a

perfect shot, whether it's at the, another audience member, they're great. I'm not against audience interaction like that. It can be tremendous tremendous but when you're like what's your name what's your job don't be like uh my name's uh fucking barry and you're like and then all the mates are laughing like it's not really called barry uh what'd you do uh not a lot oh just fuck off and die yeah what i love is when there's an audience member,

this happens quite often at Christmas, especially at Hot Water, is when it's all groups and it's all work parties or stag do's or whatever, there's one person in that group and it's normally the least attractive lad in the group. It's the guy who is the funny guy. And he's so used to all my mates the reason i get asked to hang out with these lads is because i'm the fucking funny one and then all of them have paid 17 pound to listen to someone else be funny and they just

can't fucking handle it and they're like he's and then they try and join in and they realize they're not professional level funny they're not 17 pound the ticket funny they're four pints around the table and weatherspoon's funny and they're like well i'm gonna say well what about this and everyone's just like what the fuck are you talking about john and then they feel awful and then they get aggressive and then they always end up getting kicked out because they just can't handle the fact they're not the guy anymore because they're normally yeah they're the they're the they're almost like the funny alpha yeah and then someone's on he's got a fucking microphone i couldn't have a microphone you're like you're deaf i couldn't do the amount of the amount of stags i've kicked out groups of lads yeah having said that when a stag do's on

board the energy they bring is fucking great. Stags and hens getting slagged off is like the oldest thing in stand-up. But when a stag and hen are in and they're into it, they take the energy up a whole level because they're coming with fucking Saturday, biggest weekend of their year energy.

Like, oh my God, Chloe's getting married, but we love comedy. It's amazing. The flip side of that is like the worst. energy like oh my god chloe's getting married but we love comedy it's amazing the other the flip side of that is like the worst the best the best audience you can have as a club comic is full of groups that are all on board like if the room's full of couples it's a safe it's safer yeah and you know you're gonna get at least a six out of ten that night, but the maximum of an eight, when it's full of groups,

you know it could be a fucking two. You could be going home with your arse handed to you and getting a fucking bottle of wine to take the edge off on the way home, but you could also be carried out by the fucking audience. It's why. Like, we play the frog and bucket a lot, and I hope, like, people don't mind us saying this the frog and bucket amongst comedians at times as a bit of art a bit rough fucking weekend

it's big groups and that when the frog is on fire when the frog's good there isn't a better room in the country and you're high and you're central and they're all around you closing the frog on a good night is the gig if you're a good club cop You have to be good You have to really know what you're doing You have to know the beats of your set It's a high status club You can't close the frog My flatmate's mental

I don't know what I do with the sex You can do that in the middle of the frog If you're lucky You can do that in the middle anywhere I'm not good with girls But if the middle of the frog, if you're lucky. You can do that in the middle anywhere, can't you? I'm not good with girls. But if you're closing the frog and you're a high status, I know what I'm doing. Like, what I love at the frog is when it's been amazing all night

and I walk out with a Scouse accent, because it's in Manchester and someone goes, the fucking Scouse prick! Because I've got a bit I open with about, shut the fuck up, let's go and uh the second i do it you feel the whole room including the heckle ago he knows what he's doing yeah and it's it's the trial by fire trial by fire best thing that can happen to me in manchester i remember just to bring this up again because it's been a few months and i haven't mentioned it when i opened

for bill bear in manchester and I'm backstage and he went, you all right? And I went, yeah, I just know I'm going to get heckled the second I walk out. And he shit himself. He went, what do you mean? I went, well, I'm from Liverpool and there's a big rivalry between the two cities.

I was like, it's like Boston and New York, but like we're closer and it's more visceral and there's a longstanding hatred because we used to take their work. And he was like, is everything going to be okay? And I was like, yeah, let's just do this bit and it'll turn around. But I'll walk out with a Scouse accent and go...

And someone will heckle. So I walked out. Great opening line. Earlier that day, Man City had won a game and it put them top of the league, but we had a game in hand and we were only two points behind. Yeah. So I walked out and went,

what's happening, Manchester? My name's Adam, I'm from Liverpool. And someone shouted, we're top of the league, you scouse prick! Right? And Bears had their fucker in the wings and he's like, oh. And I did my bit and it just ripped it.

And it turned the, we were in the Apollo, the 0-2 Apollo in Manchester, and it just ripped it and it turned the what we were in the apollo the o2 apollo in manchester and it just made three and a half thousand people go because opening for a big american act as fun as it is and to get that picture with your fucking hero is a is amazing it really is but opening for someone when you're not listed it's not bill bear plus support on the ticket it's built so it's yeah it's a slog, isn't it? I've mentioned this before, but we've got a lot of people new to this podcast.

The way I was introduced was fucking brilliant. Kenny, Club Soda Kenny, who's a bit of an American comedy legend. He worked with Dice Clay. He's Bill Bear's tour manager, and he's so fucking cool. He's a former cop. He's so imposed, and he's massive.

He did the announcements over the mic for when i did glasgow and when i did manchester he didn't do it in london because in london it was for the special so they got they wanted a woman to do the voiceover they got this woman with a really sultry voice remember ladies and gentlemen bill burr but when kenny introduced me they didn't know there was a support act and this is how he did it. I think I've told you this before. He goes, Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the O2 Apollo here in Manchester,

where tonight we present live in concert Bill Burr! And they'd go mental, and then he'd go, But first! And then I walk out in Manchester with a Scouse accent. And they're all going, who the fuck's this fat cunt? And then I go, what's happening?

And they go, oh, no! Which is basically the equivalent of going, ladies and gents, the comedian you most want to fucking see in your whole life. But before that, some Scouse prick you definitely won't like for the first 60 seconds. Amazing. But that heckle

were top of the league, you Scouse prick. And that given me the in to do my sort of turn the Manchester gig around bit.

Yeah, it's happened naturally. Yeah. If at that point some bellend came in with two pints. Can I have them? Hey, I've got such a clear memory of this so when i when

when bill finished his set he asked me apart from in london to come on after him and bring him off that's quite a common thing in america apparently apparently. So the headliner goes off and you walk back on like a compere would and go, let's give it up. So, you know, before you tell this story, Chris Cairns did one of the Liverpool dates he did. And I didn't know at this point that Bill Burr had asked the guy to bring him off. And the same thing. His name, Chris Cairns' name,

was dirt for about a week on WhatsApp groups. Everyone was like, have you heard? Fucking Chris Cairns went on like it was fucking Slaughterhouse and comped Bill Burr off. And then the rumours started going around. I think he did some bits.

Have you heard that he's done bits? I've heard he did about 20 minutes and it's all bullshit. And then it came out that actually that's what Bill Burr had asked for and everyone was like

oh yeah no Chris is sound he's a good lad he's a good lad I was at the Liverpool date because before before I got

I only got asked to do those support slots about four days before they happened right I was meant to be gigging in Dublin

that week and I had to cancel the Dublin gigs to do those things hello hello Dublin go fuck yourself shout out to cancel the Dublin gigs to do those things. Hello! Hello, Dublin! Go fuck yourself! Shout out to Holly at the Laughter Lounge

because she was so fucking sound about that. Because it was the second, I'd had to pull Ireland the year before for something else. And then when that came in, I was like,

Holly, you're going to hate me. I know it's four days to go, but, and she was like, don't be fucking stupid. What an opportunity, go and do it. But I went. That's a sound promoter,

that, isn't it? Holly's fucking amazing opportunity. Go and do it. But I went. That's a sound promoter, that, isn't it? Holly's fucking amazing. I can't wait to go back over there. So because Bill Bear was coming to the UK and he was coming to Liverpool, I had tickets. I'm a fan. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? I bought my dad a ticket for Christmas. So I got two tickets and we were going. And when I got those support dates, I was still like, I'm not just going to not go just because I'm opening for him this week. it's actually more fun going as a punter like you'll be like well you could just watch them as a comic supporting bill burr you're supporting

anyone you're not watching it as a punter no you know like it's better to go as a and just enjoy it so i went and watched it and then when chris come back on at the end i was in my whatsapp groups like we won't go into too much but i've had beef with laughter house in the past i mean me and chris and the other people at laughter house we don't get on and there's no it's no real hard feelings anymore but there's a bit of a history of whatever clubs winding each other up but chris cairns is a sound guy you know i've known chris for. So, however, I seen that happen and I was like, fucking Chris, come back on. Was this meant to be like a Laughter House night or something?

Because it was Laughter House presents Bill Bear at the thing. That's why he was opening. And then I get to Glasgow to do my first night. So at the end, just make sure you come on after Bear and, you know, bring him off. And I was like, oh! Just before I do, I'm just going to have to go in a few whatsapp groups and be like yeah chris chris yeah okay yes but i've got such a clear memory of uh in manchester i walked back on and someone got a

i've got a photo of this because someone took it and sent me of me going ladies and gentlemen bill bear as he's walking off and he got a standing ovation but but the tallest guy in, like, you know, like the first few rows, Rob Mulholland, our mate, who will be on here in a couple of weeks, he's booked in. I'm going,

let's jump a bill, and everyone's, but Rob Mulholland's like fucking seven foot three, so it, like a giant in a land full of midgets, he's just there

and he's looking at me like, we're in, lads! I could see it clear in his day with his fucking hat in his glass. I was like, what? And he's doing, he wasn't even clapping. Everyone else is clapping.

He's like, what? Fucking sickness, man. Like fucking Where's Wally? Your biggest ever support gig so far. You've just got your big lanky comedian mate going, Oh, mate. I love it when you get laid. You're fucking great fun the next day.

What did you do? Made the noise. That's it. What did I do? I'm such a grandad wearing me gillet. So just to wrap up, you don't think I need to go and see a doctor about me dick? Do you want me to have a look?

Yeah. No, no. In fact, actually, after what happened on the patreon this week i don't need to be seeing his dick no oh i really thought and you're wearing your next underpants dirty bitch um good it's gone off the rails boy oh it's been That has been Fire Yeah F-Y-A-H F-Y-A-H F-Y-A-H F-Y-A-H F-Y-A-H

F-Y-A-H He's a fucking dyslexic moron I love him Funny though Shall we have a break? You calling it? Yes Bye Felicia

See you in a minute Felicia Be back with Barry Dodds Felicia It's too many Felicias Felicia From Texas to Skim, everybody is listening to the funniest podcast in the game. It has to be Half Hour. That whiskey has sort of hit me a bit, you know? We've had a bottle of Freud 10 years

sat on that shelf for a while. Mr. Barry Dodds has just turned up and pointed out, he was like, that's his favorite whiskey. That's an amazing whiskey. And I've never opened it. So I opened it and I've had about 10ml of it and I'm ready to break lockdown rules and head to Popwell, to be honest with you.

Do you know what? I didn't know that you were a whiskey drinker. If I'd known, I'd have brought you a little present. So it's about 2018, Aldi did this thing where they somehow, I don't know if somebody dropped a bollock in Aldi, but they ended up with some 30-year-old whiskey on their hands. To get a bottle of 30-year-old whiskey, you're talking about between 500 and 600 quid

for the cheapest online, and Aldi ended up with loads. So they were selling it at Christmas at £50 a bottle, which was unbelievable, but if you're shopping in Aldi, you ain't spending 50 quid. On your whole shop. Yeah, your whole shop. So in, like, the February, they were just like, we've got to get rid of these, so they were selling them for £10. And I was up in the North East gigging,

and I drove round every Aldi in Tyneside. I followed the metro line round and bought every one that they had. I ended up with 10 of these things and I'm keeping one because, you know, to retire on. But I've given the rest away to people who are into whisky. To retire on a £500 bottle. I'm moving back to Gateshead, obviously.

That's the most working class thing you've ever heard I've got this it's good shit I know it's Aldi but it's good shit I'm gonna hand it down to me kids here

I'm gonna retire on a 2001 Ford Escort but yeah I've got I've got two bottles left so keep it worn do you know what give me your address

I'll send you the other one please do I've got like about 20 about 20 do you know what give me your address I'll send you the other one please do I've got like about 20 about 20 do you reckon whiskeys yeah you've got a big cabinet

yeah yeah I've got a little cabinet full of whiskeys and rums you've got a big cabinet full of liquor yeah I like a whiskey and I like a rum but I started drinking whiskey

to stop myself drinking as much rum because I can't drink rum with anything but full fat coke. Right, yeah. I can have it with ginger beer but it gets a bit... You can only have one or two of them.

No, we've had El Dorado straight and it was nice. Yeah, but I wouldn't spend... Rum's not a straight sort of... I've got some that you should drink straight because they're very expensive and very nice. Ponzi rums.

Yeah. El Dorado 15, yeah. I bought that specifically for when he got because they're very expensive and very nice. Ponzi rums. Yeah. Yeah. We love Ponzi. Eldorado 15, yeah. I bought that specifically for when he got back from Japan and we only actually cracked it like a week or two ago. Yeah. And Diplomatico. We got Diplomatico as well. Diplomatico is a great one.

That's not even open yet. No. But I love a rum and coke, but if I go on a night out and drink a rum and coke, I'll have 12 and you'd end up having like six litres of coke on a night out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you night out yeah why am i 16 strong uh so i know i think a sugar crash can be as bad as a hangover yeah yeah maybe it's because i'm feeling because i'm getting a bit older now but my rum hangovers are worse than anything else

where there's a whiskey i just drink it with an ice cube do you not like ice i'm gonna send you some whiskey stones as well I've got whiskey stones I've got whiskey stones but I don't really use them because I don't like how it looks Talk me through what whiskey stones are It's a stone that you freeze So if you put ice in whiskey it dilutes

a little bit which can open the whiskey out it can release some of the flavours but if you've got something like the frog you want to keep it or a Japanese whiskey you want to keep but a Nikko yeah

yeah yeah I don't know what podcast I'm on I literally I know that bellend and I know you you're all bellends

but I was like this is weirdly erudite and like well I find it's a beautiful body. A commoner. Oh, yes, it's Aldi, but it's vintage Aldi. You're not using this, are you?

This isn't... Oh, this is going in. Barry, it started. I thought you were going to do the... When you pressed down, I was waiting for the music. No, no, no. It's on. Oh, right.

You being whiskey nonces is how we've started it. But I'll be honest, it's very rare I'm impressed with both of you bellends at the same time. I was waiting for him to go, it's a good rum and coke,

I'm handing it down to me kids. That's a real inheritance. This bottle of Bacardi, I stole this one from Tesco. The thing is, you can say nothing Because you drink Turbo Shandy Which is the most fucking

I can't believe that you've It was a lockdown thing And I haven't kept it up Have you given up? I don't know what I don't know what the lockdown did The shutdown I don't know what that did

It was the doing the podcast every day with Adam It was sending us a little bit mental And for some reason Me drinking at university got mentioned They're doing the podcast every day with Adam. It was sending us a little bit mental. And for some reason, me drinking at university got mentioned, and we just mentioned Turbo Shandy. He went, what's a Turbo Shandy? Then all of a sudden we were drinking. How did it happen then?

Because I know very well what a Turbo Shandy was. I used to drink them at hot water every Sunday. But how did it come? Did it just come up in conversation on the pod? Someone will know. One of our listeners will reply to this. Episode 20 something. This is recent to me, it's not too long ago because what I was going to say to you was, I'm, because

I'm a word as original, I've been there since the start. And a Patreon, what a fucking good egg. I was trying to work out my way here, I don't think I was your first Patreon, but I'm in the top five definitely top 10 if i've been here since the start so because of my ocd i've got to listen to things in order so you're on episode god what are you in the 90s now this is 92 so you're in the 90s now

i'm still at the end of the 60s. So, like, you're still fat where I am. Like, you're still fat and in a relationship, right? You're happily going along with your life with one child. Like, you don't exist, right? So I'm back, both because of the OCD, because I've got to do it in order i can't and of course i've got access to all the patreon specials about 30 or 30 odd of them as well now i can't go into them because i'll lose my my thread with where i am so at the minute i'm doing standard and then

i'm going to go back and then i'm going to catch up that way so so you're listening now where are you 60s 70s you're like you're basically now. Where are you? 60s, 70s? You're basically where we were in June. Yeah, yeah. So I'll tell you exactly where I am. You've just slammed an eight-year-old. Hang on. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

For some eight-year-old who's trying to be a good person and highlight the problems of racism. Oh, no. Oh, that was my fault because I didn't judge the room. So I was like, someone has said, my little brother said this great thing about racism and Black Lives Matter, and I should have read the room, because I'd already done a podcast with him for half an hour,

and he was in a... He was a little fucking middle of a lockdown, fucking Tasmanian devil, still hungover from Liverpool winning the league. And then I stupidly went this eight-year-old said something really nice about racism and he

went ah fuck off yeah fucking it was brutal so here's where I'm at as soon as one of these episodes is done I often forget everything that's just

been said it's just gone so I don't really know what you're talking about but just for future reference don't ever introduce a story with you've just slammed an eight you know because it's so sexually ambiguous it sounds like i've had a few i was like i was like how many turbo shandies how many do they have um no so i've not kept up the turbo shandy it was very much a you can't

leave the house you can't gig weird form of nostalgia and the uh lockdown lock-ins that we started doing on a saturday were just turbo shandy but the sugar content in them i was pissed and like super like happy just an insulin spike and i fuck that was some of my favorite podcasts yeah but as the as the restrictions have eased my need for turbo shandy has lessened. You've got to have a Turbo Shandy. When we eventually do some live shows, though, we've got to Turbo Shandy.

Try and get sponsorship from, like, Man Off Ice. Right, we'd like to sponsor the podcast. You've got to find a lager company to sponsor it with you. We don't want to drink your shit on its own. We want to mix it with lager. to sponsor it with you. We don't want to drink your shit on its own. We want to mix it with lager.

If we do any form of, like, yeah, any boozing that we do on the pod, it will be turbo shandy for me. It's airfo. All right, can I just ask, because being in the past, are Transalloy wheels still on board? No, they're not.

So the guy who worked there, who was a big fan of the podcast has now left that company. Surprisingly, they haven't been like, this is a phenomenal sponsorship. He was like, I fucking love this podcast and I want to be involved.

They didn't like, we've got to keep it on. Why do you ask? Because that's where I'm at. I'm still back in July. We're now sponsored by Manscaped.com. It's a fucking pub trimmer Barry Get your fucking man garden

And fucking shave I tried that about About a month ago For the first time So you just had a fucking Amazon rainforest going on I looked like Gandalf Peeking out I had a pair of scissors there

Shout not piss You were scissoring your pubes Just like grab them before shout He looked like Gandalf, like, peeking out. I had a pair of scissors there every now and again. Shout, not piss! I'd be like... You were scissoring your pubes? Yeah, just, like, grab them before a shout, and then just went... And then sling them down the toilet. Do you know the risk involved in that just movement? Like, grab your pubes, off it comes.

I'd never go near the balls. I've had an accident! Yeah, oh, God, I feel like that's why... So your balls have got every hair on that they've ever had on. Your balls have got hairs on that were there when you were 12. It's Barry's Pee Museum. Trip down memory lane every time I take the undercrackers off. No, I haven't.

Do you know what? Because I ended up getting shaved when I was a teenager against me will. Wait. Now, wait, wait, let me breathe in. Now, now. Tell the story, Baz. So me and my mates, my mate Phil, who I grew up with, he was a couple of years older than me,

but me and Phil and his brothers, we used to camp out in a tent in his back garden, and Phil used to be like, I'm the man of the tent, look at all my pubes. And of course, we're a couple of crucial years behind. And he's like, I'm the real man. Now, I had a growth, I had a lump. I had three bollocks.

And I was like, well, you can get fucked because I've got three balls. And he was like, let's have a look. And I got out and you could see. And he was like, let's have a look. And I got out and you could see. And I was like, yeah. And then I didn't realise my mum was outside the tent. And she was like, three balls? I was like, yeah, doctors. She went to the doctor.

I mean, I don't know why we made that. Like, your mum was out of order then. Like, can't believe my mum. She's a bit jumpy about the old growth on my balls so she takes me in I go up to the doctor with me like struggling pubed growth

but an extra ball which was keeping me in the man game in the tent and the doctor went yeah it's like a sort of it's like an underformed

sort of I think it's like a cyst and I went alright and they went we've got to get rid of it because it can

you know it's going to happen so I got I went to hospital and I went, alright and they went, we've got to get rid of it because it can you know, it's going to happen. So I got, I went to hospital and I got knocked out obviously and then I woke up and I was like, oh is it gone? And they went, yeah the operation went absolutely fine and I could feel a bit of pain. They said

we need you just to, we need you to pass water before you can go just to so I was like, alright. So I went to the toilet and they'd fucking they'd shaved all my pubes off Doctors do do that though Barry because they need to know what they're looking at do you know what I mean and if you had years of fucking

trees down there that's also like you know but when you're like that age These were crucial pubes Oh so you've been playing catch up ever since is that what you're saying? So what I'm saying is is that I've not got the original ones from being a kid. But have you got the ones from right after that? So I've got them from, these are probably from like 14.

How old are you now? Well, they were until I got this. Because I heard Greg Davies on a stand-up special talking about manscaping. I was like, what's this manscaping? So I googled it. And it's this thing where you get like a trimmer for your head but just for your pubes.

I don't know why you're telling us about our own sponsor. Sorry, yeah, sorry. You mean like a lawnmower 3.0 available at manscaped.com with promo code word WRD. WRD. WRD. W-R-D. W-R-D. Using code love.

Use code love. So I heard about this, so I put it into Google and then ordered one off Amazon and it turned up and I just thought, I just can't, how hard can this be?

Just get busy. So I got it it what point of the day is this morning is this an evening it's just you've got to pour yourself a nice glass of whiskey glass of whiskey get out your piobs yeah so i went to the show where are the ice stones you're such a gentleman go so i went into the, and I just thought, I'm going to do this in the shower. So I just pulled the curtain, got in the shower, and got my thing, and just was like, here we go then, and just, and it just went, and like, bawled. And I was like, oh, fucking hell.

I like that. So I was like, I'm in the shower now, so I'll just get it, finish it. Anyway, I got back into my little office, and I picked up the box that the thing came in and tipped it up and the guard fell out yeah

I'd done it without the guard yeah you'd gone zero on your did you snag the bag no no no no cut I don't think I bothered with the bag

I think I was too shocked from the top oh so you just oh oh that's a very unusual look that shaving the mons pubis and letting the balls be hairy. You've got an Amish dick.

Give him more whiskey. He's having a fire episode. A woman has touched his penis and he's drinking whiskey with Barry Dodds. From my experience, women do prefer a manscaped area. They're a lot more likely to put your penis in their mouth if there's less hairs around it. Yeah, if they don't have to take a machete to the overgrowth. Yeah, yeah.

So, like, they will... But be careful going full baby bump smooth. That's a bit much. They don't want to look like a fucking Ken doll. They want it to... Like, it's got to be, like, sort of like stubble. Because you've got to show that you have the ability to grow pubic hair without the want to have a lot of it.

Yeah. All the women listening are like, Adam, thank you for speaking for us. He's our representative. What women want. Let me tell you what women want. What's been a nice little treat, though, is that I got to see the scar for the first time from the operation.

So you've never been able to see that? Well, it was covered up, bandaged up and then they sort of took the stitches out or whatever and then this was crucial growth time so it then just grew over and so I never really got to have a proper look at it. So it's bigger than I thought. There's proper look at it so it's bigger than I thought quite

there's the out of context it's bigger than I thought inch and a half little Barry Scott so are your

balls to this day still hairy they'll still be the hairs from it's like vintage 30 and old pubes

I'll be selling them for the tenner come February. Hiya, mate. Get him another whiskey. He threw that up for me. Did you see that?

100%. Underarm bowler. Oh, dear. Silky smooth Barry Dodds. Do you ever put them into a triangle? Do you ever do anything with them in the bath or in the shower? Do you ever wax them down, give them a gandalf look every now and again this is pretty bold incident and you know when you're just in the shower and you're just like you know you've got

because you leave conditioner on your hair for a couple of minutes so you've got two minutes sort of play time you just just get them and because they're a good, like, just twist them like a bit little French. What? So I brush my teeth in that time. I brush my teeth in the shower as well. Yes, Barry. Because you can proper go for it and not worry about it. Oh my God, Barry, don't. You can go for it now.

Oh, fucking hell, yeah. That's exactly why I do it. Yeah, yeah. I put the conditioner in my hair and then I brush my teeth. I don't conditioner me hair. I just shampoo it. I don the conditioner in my hair and then I brush my teeth I don't conditioner my hair I just shampoo it I don't conditioner are we all

glossing over the fact that he makes a Frenchman's moustache with his pubes everyone's like oh yeah I don't brush my teeth he's just gone and I make a little moustache

it's fucking amazing give it like a voice and just give it a kind of oh if you're personifying your dick you need all that

hello little Barry. Hello, Barry. Women like a scar on a man's dick. No, it would be... Because of my issues with the French, it wouldn't be saying anything. It'd be like... Barry, I surrender to your great madness.

Do not shave me again like that, please. Yeah, I love it how you... You hate the French like I hate the Russians, but mine... Why do you hate the French? Xbox. Can I tell you? This is said you used to live in the room next to me so if you heard i've actually heard barry racially abuse a french child oh hang on hang on hang on right no no i don't have to hang on we we have zero evidence it was a child and in my defense it was an 18 game. Right, listen.

Oh, so say what you want to them. As far as I'm concerned, yes. This is genuinely the racism that I heard through the walls as Barry, in the box room of our rented house, sat on his Xbox getting angry at children from around the world via the miracle of the internet. People are, like, literally changing human existence. Barry is shouting at Mexican children.

I'm surprised you can fucking see the screen with your fucking sombrero. And then, and I'm sure it was a French child. You told me it was a child. This is, what year would this have been? 2006. So this kid is maybe 14. Born 1990.

The latest 1990. What did you say to him? Try not to fucking surrender. No, that's it. Try not to give up on this battle, you fucking surrender monkey. Like 1940 was his fault. Kids online, no.

I only play FIFA a while back. I don't know whether I told you this. I won a game Like 7-1 Right And the lad messaged me And was like Oh you fucking shite you lad You just

Got all the luck In that game And I just replied Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Right But my gamer tag Has got the year Of my birth in it

So I think it's like Adam Rowe 1992 And he replied And said Oh look You're replying to kids On the internet You fucking nut Yes Hey That That is their go to That happened to me That happened to me Adam Rowe, 1992. And he replied and said, oh, look, you're replying to kids on the internet, you fucking nonce.

Yes. Hey. That is their go-to. That happened to me. That happened to me yesterday. Really? I'll show you the messages afterwards. From FIFA.

So if they know you're old, they call you a nonce. Yes. Yeah. You're 40, you're older, and your parents' bedroom, and you get all the nonces. No, I'm not.

No, I'm not. I'm shaving my balls in my own property I'll show you my pubes ah fuck I can't I got the shaver out amazing well

what I'll say now is be very careful because when I was first playing Gears of War which is when we lived together Gears of War Gears of War

what year was this when the G's were together Gears of War in a Geordie accent doesn't use a four hi I'm super of war what year was this when the gears of war in a geordie accent i'm so paranoid about my shoes because somebody rinsed me but i've got one from me you literally look like you're about to wash your car i love it i forgot it was recorded come on so so this was it was a bit it was like like the wild west online when you could go on you could put your headset on you could drink eight cans of scrumpy and just get it all out

your system and i used to go i used to really go for it i'd wake up the next day hung over but feeling like oh just a bit more zen. That was like your counselling, just shouting at kids from around the world on Gears of War. It got all my stress out. And then Gears of War 3 came out. So I've gone through. And then all of a sudden I logged on one day and it just wouldn't put me in a match. And I was like, oh, what's going on? And, you know, I've got my cans in.

I've got my rollies done, I'm ready to go, this is going to be a big night and I just couldn't get on. Got in touch with Microsoft and then I went and had a look at my online reputation and it was in the red. And I was like, what's this? Yeah, Bill, I'm not even a fucking nunce, mate. What the fuck's going on here?

This little prick from France fucking abusing me. what's this yeah bill i'm not even a fucking nuns mate what the fuck's going on here this little prick from france fucking abusing me and is that good is that okay that wasn't bad that wasn't too bad that's an all right geordie my geordie normally goes sort of a bit ski with all right yeah and then oh my god bill gates fuck on you shut out these children they are being nasty to me on the internet they are lying saying I fucked them in the ass no no no

no more I want my account back yeah nailed it fuck on the time it's all mine all mine so this exchange started with Microsoft

on email and it went on genuinely for six months the peak of it was when I was sending letters via registered post to the microsoft head office in reading so this is microsoft uk with them with me going give me my account back i had my entire lifetime of gamer score on it and i i played gears at a semi

professional level i was in the top 100 in the world. Like, you're laughing, kids are now making a fortune off Fortnite. I was there in the day, I was feared in Gears of War, right? I was feared by Gamertag. This is so childish. What you're laughing at is so childish. My Gamertag was Terra Cuddles. It's a surprise you're not

on the fucking register, mate. Do you know what, be careful because admittedly, my new alias isn't a million miles away from that. Um, so, so this back and forth, I was going, just let us back on, let us back on, and they were like, no, no, no, no, no. And they said, look, the enforcement team have put

special restrictions on your account. We're going to have to speak to them, but they're based in America. So because of the time difference, I had to wait, and then eventually they got back to me a few days later and said they've at microsoft enforcement have never seen an online account with more complaints against it and number one and i said i said right i said well it's an 18 game they went it's not just that's your it's once your in-game behavior and i went what do you mean and i didn't know this when i found out

somebody at microsoft and this enforcement team had been watching me for a week every time i went on they were watching my screen and watching my character and listening to my chat and monitoring my messages and things like that and they had a log of everything that i'd done to explain why I'd been banned and it was entertaining reading. It would say something like, 1.50am, Terracuddles has started singing Total Eclipse of the Heart. File under

disruptive voice. Then it'd be like, 20 past 2. Terracuddles has started singing Total Eclipse of the Heart again. Removed from server. Terra Cuddles has rejoined the server and is now singing A Little Respect by Erasure. What had happened that night was I just got pissed

and just decided to sing into the microphone all night. Just to be annoying. Just to be a cunt. I love that there's someone at Microsoft going, I want to get ahead in coding and computers. And that's where the future is, isn't it? And look at Bill Gates. He's my idol.

That's why I'm working for Microsoft. And that fateful night, that week, he had to be like, fucking terracuddles. He's calling some Egyptian kid like a camel fucker. Singing erasure. Who fucking sings erasure I remember once I had some friends around and they said

let's have a go on the Xbox they wanted to log in to their account on my machine now the thing was when you log in it auto suggests your most used words so they were logging in and so like they put logging in and so like

they put A in and it came up arsehole AIDS and then they were like alright and then they moved to the next one

the worst type of AIDS as well like arsehole AIDS yeah yeah yeah if you're going to get AIDS anyway you don't want it up your batty yeah what about in your ear that seems like a pain as well

ear AIDS but not A oh ear and AIDS yeah ah fuck

well done sorry I don't even like upset me nasty bitch I don't even I don't even like that I don't even like wordplay

that much I just felt like but it was every letter was there was still like F it was coming up like French fucking

and it was it was like a window into my past of sort of what my online chat had been. Have you seen how easily you can get banned now? For anything.

My mate that I do a play with sent some, just the letters KS, meaning kill self, and got a lifetime ban. Oh, for that. I hope YouTube don't get this jumpy. KS and his lifetime ban, his IP is fucked. So are the French the worst? They were the one. It was a connection issue because the French have got really good servers,

so they'll be like a second ahead over our servers, and they were really smug about it. And then you just... We are too quick for you sort of yeah I shit you before you can see where I was coming from your Japanese is so bad

no it's just deep innit no because you got that off Jokoi yes come from diaphragm because I tried to do a Japanese accent for something, and you do it from deep down, isn't it? Yeah, but you can't do it. We were on the phone the other day,

and for some reason we were talking about Japanese play slaves, and Barry's saying anything Japanese sounds for Tokyo! Nagasaki! Fukushima! That was it, Fukushima! Fukushima Fukushima No journey should ever travel to fucking Japan Hey, Herman!

Where's Nagasaki? I've got lost in Fukushima It all came to a head when I said to them I said, look, just tell me what to do to get back online and they said you need to play online and not get complaints i said but you won't let me play on and i said we know we're sort of we're kicking you out by the back door really and i said well

i said people were just as bad and they went look we sent you some videos that we've taken of your gameplay and this is why and they said i've still got still got them. I've got one of them on my phone, which was, because I tried to, I changed my name and things like that, but it was still the same IP address. So they sent me this comedy montage of me running around just bumming people. You could see on Gears of War me

shitting this kid to the floor, then running up behind him, just doing that on the controller. So my bloke'ske's you can't say you were bumming people with the way you pronounce gears of war no you really can't

I was bumming everyone on gears of war and then that was it they were not kicked off yeah it's probably good though isn't it because there's other things

to do in life than just abuse children from around the world no there we go there's no context either way I think I've said this on the pod before but that's not the weirdest shit we ever heard when I was seeing Vicky around the world. No? There we go. There's no context either way. There's no context either way.

I think I've said this on the pod before but that's not the weirdest shit we ever heard. When I was seeing Vicky I had the bedroom next to him when we lived together and I was seeing

a girl called Vicky and we were like going to bed one night or was it in the night and we literally heard like oh Barry oh Barry Barry

like that and we were like she was like Barry's fucking giving some girl a... I was like, oh, my God, he is, isn't he? Fuck him. And we heard like, oh, Barry. Barry. We were like, oh, my God.

And even Vicky was like, she's fucking getting it. Good on you, Barry. And then in the morning, we were like, how was it? And you were like, what? There's no one here. I'm just... You were like, you've had a girl last night there's no one here i'm just i've not you were like you've had a girl last night like no it's me and he'd been having night tremors and saying his own name a kind of fucking psycho has night terrors going

do you get nightmares a lot? I talk in my sleep and shout things out. Because I fall asleep with, I hate silence. So I always, when I lived with Dan, I used to put like Dirty Sanchez DVDs on and fall asleep to them. So maybe it was just. I had something very similar, you know. So there was a year where I went to live with my auntie.

And I got her little box room. And she was like, look, you can live here as long as you want. So there was a year where I went to live with my auntie and I got her little box room and she was like, look, you can live here as long as you want. My house is your house. Come and go as you please. You've got your key, whatever. My only rule is you don't bring any fucking one night stands back here.

If you end up seeing someone and we meet them, I'm not saying they can't come and stay, but no one night stands back here. You're like, well, that's a nightmare for me because I'm banging bitches on the daily. I don't know if we're going to be able to do this listen i'm not saying that i've got the cleanest record in the world but you know like carl said i used to go for the four o'clock monitors at 10 p.m so that i was guaranteed to get your stats right yeah

yeah i'd score four in the fucking league cup so that my stats looked good at the end of the season. Couldn't do anything in the Premier League. And one night, because I speak in my sleep quite a lot, like my dad used to say, that it sounded like me and my little brother were having a conversation, because I'd talk shite, leave a gap, and then he'd start talking.

And I was literally just talking shite in my sleep, and my auntie ran in with the brush. She's a bit mental, my auntie Carol. So I'm literally in my sleep going, Fuck off! No in, with the brush, she's a bit mental, me auntie Carol, so, I'm literally, fuck off, no, oh yeah,

go on, go on, hey, doing all that, and she literally, she went, Adam, when I'm asleep,

you could be building, a fucking conservatory, in the bedroom, I mean, you're not waking me up, so she's banging on the door, screaming, but in my head,

this was part of me dream, and then she came in, with a fucking brush, she was like, get it out, that woke me up up and I was like what the means where is she

is she in and she starts looking in the cupboard under the bed I was like who are you looking for she's like the fucking gate

I told you not to bring anyone back I was like I was in a fucking sleep I was just having a I'm so pleased it's not just me who's done it but she came in

with a broom yeah Tom and Jenny yeah I was going to say it's half us it's half us But she came in with a broom. A Tom and Jenny? Yeah, I was going to say. Tab us! Tab us! Get the slag broom, Brian! I'm always fucking broom, brushing up slags.

Sean's beat the shit out of me with a flip-flop, my Auntie Carol. Mate, matriarchs are deadly Items that you don't see As weapons Until like A five foot two Fucking Middle aged woman Uses it And then all of a sudden

A flip flop's like Yeah All my cousins were in ours And all like My aunties and uncles And my mum and dad Were having a drink downstairs And we were just being

Little bastards And she'd come upstairs Took her flip flop off And just grabbed me And was just fucking Twatting me on the You gotta fucking behave You gotta fucking behave You gotta fucking behave you gotta fucking behave get off and then our danny my

cousin tried to get it off me and he was she's like right your turn she pinned it fucking twat all right yeah christ she's a night woman and now you're into it now you're into it girls you're like have you got any flip-flops oh god i've um got a couple of things i want to ask you okay because uh we are you know podcaster comedian good friend of dan's friend of mine and my oldest friend in comedy friend in comedy yeah well you you sort of started with peter vincent as well didn't you who's now a promoter yeah he was a comic he was a comic 1833 i can't imagine that version of piece of vincents you are honestly i wish you can because he was

just as unfunny then as he is now he listens to this yeah he does i've been on the phone to him on the way here oh yeah and he knows he's getting mentioned and he will skip ahead to you know what exactly that yeah he rang me because i was coming to do Have A Word. I did a fucking film premiere at the start of this year. He didn't ring me on the way to London for that, for my big moment, but he's excited that I'm on Have A Word. Pete, we love you. We love you.

He knows you're on because... See you in Teesside. A while back, he... Because he's been a big list, a big supporter of this. He's one of our patrons as well, Peter. He's one of the best. Run some great gigs. And a while back, he texted me and said, when Barry ever comes on, there's one of our patrons as well, Peter. He's one of the best. Runs some great gigs. And a while back, texted me and said,

when Barry ever comes on, there's a couple of things you should ask him. Oh, no. So I just want to float this by you, because I'm just intrigued, because it's been on my mind for a while. So I texted you the other day and was like, can you remind me?

I wonder what you were doing. I thought you'd literally... I know what he's going to say here. Does one involve a stripper? One thing does involve a stripper, actually, yeah, but that's not this first one. We'll get to that in a bit, if that's okay with you, Barry. Do it.

Love it. So I said, what was the thing you told me to ask Dodge when he comes on the podcast? He's coming on Thursday. He said he met a lass, I think, at the old Excess Malarkey venue. She was proper fit and ended up going on a date with her, asking what he said to her during the date. So there's a comedy club in Manchester called Excess Malarkey.

It was like our local when we lived in Manchester. And you went on a date with her. We used to go every Tuesday. It was great fun. I can't believe this has come up. Just pull that mic towards you. Pull it down a little bit. There you go.

Go on. I didn't look that worried when my mum's death was brought up for the first time on this podcast. I just, I can't believe this still haunts me. That's what friends are for. I've got to explain myself a little bit, right? Which is like you were saying about how you go ugly early.

Yeah. Now, there was was it's a legitimate tactic no I know I just want to know what he's going to say I sometimes

I get intimidated by like stunning really good women like I've always said I prefer a woman who's got like

a bit of like you know like a wonky tit or like one who's got like a big blue vein in it like an imperfect I love an

imperfection do you know what I mean oh I'm not joking I love a blue vein yeah do you not think it's like big old droopy boobs no not droopy i don't even know that droopy they're just working tits do you think like farm tits that blue vein you're like my god that tick and put a shift in. So are you saying you like an imperfection because you're sort of like, well, I'm not perfect,

so she will be more forgiven of mine if I'm forgiven of hers? Maybe, yeah. And it makes them a bit more human because I think if somebody's perfect, I know there's no such thing as leagues, but people are out of leagues and people do. That's a Japanese thing, though. Is it?

yeah so imperfections make things perfect do you have like a vase cracks they fill it with gold because they say an imperfection makes something perfect

yeah such a fucking gimp we're literally talking about true perfection has to be imperfect in my head I was like it's the same

it's the can I I like porn where there's like do you know what I mean an untidy bedroom and a look of regret. And he's like, yeah, that's Japanese culture actually. When there's a crack in a vase.

And I'm like, I like wanking off to, you know, birds you'll see in the fucking co-op. And he's like, we'll put gold in the crack of the vase. So, saggy wonky tits. So, yeah, like an imperfection. Not saggy necessarily. Something came up. I was having this chat one night it was when we lived in this house and i was with like like jason and and jason cook jason cook and danny deegan and all that and we're trying to explain what it was and i said that i think it comes from like just like evolution really like you sort of like and this admittedly

is where it falls apart i know that now with a bit of age and wisdom i said it's like lions like when we evolved from lions right oh hang on can we just pause for the size right we haven't evolved from lions yeah i've had 15 years of people telling me that we didn't evolve from lions but i wombo-web, a wombo-web, a wombo-web. But I say that's why the lion will be on the Serengeti or whatever. Oh, God, Ben. Fucking hell. It's all right.

Sorry. Oh, God. So... Do you want to fix your wonky, mate? Just straighten that up a bit. Fuck, I ended up wonky. That really fancies that name now. I'm so much more comfortable.

Some girl calling him with a big blue vein in her tit. Yeah, what are you saying? I'm only one routine. See what I said? It's why you'll see the lions on the Serengeti and they'll go for the gazelle with the gimpy leg. Yeah, but they want to kill it and eat it, Barry. Do you want to kill and eat women?

No, but it's the chase, isn't it? No, no, no. He wants an easy chase. Yeah, yeah. This would only make sense if the lion, do you know what I mean? This would only make sense if the Lion King, the head of the pride, was fucking the wonky-legged lion. No, the analogy works.

It's easy catch, you know? You like the 10 o'clock bit, the 4 o'clock bit. I think you're getting a bit too logged on on the eating bit. No, this would only make sense if I was walking in to a fucking kebab shop at 4 in the morning and going, have you got any bread that's a bit fucking stale? They're eating the gazelle. They're not trying to fuck it.

Yeah, I don't think you get the analogy. I get what you say, but it's a fucked up analogy. What the fuck? I'm right. You know. It's an analogy. It doesn't have to be a direct analogy. Of course it does.

No, it works perfectly. The lion wants an easy catch. Barry wants an easy shag. That an easy shag that's the analogy let's agree to disagree i can't get my head around this is like being back in the house this is what it was like it really was it was like this and anyway i went on this i went on this day and she was really stunning she was like she was clever as well she was a psychologist i'm probably in some fucking study she did now but we we were out and we went for a meal in chalton and i put a suit on and everything and i just really you put a suit i did yeah because she's what ladies like she's classy

and clever and and i got i got distracted as well i was fucking stinking as well because i was in the toilet sorry to interrupt you but you put a suit on. So what night of the week was this date? It was like a Wednesday or a Thursday. A Wednesday suit. Sat eating this meal in this posh restaurant in Chorlton

and I was stinking as well because the toilet I went I was doing everything to raise my chances because it was like this could be me one shot at happiness. And I got those

And it was. I got those pheromone wipes you know where you rub them on and they're meant to those and it was I got those pheromone wipes you know where you like rub them on and they're meant to have like but it turns out they're like pig piss or something because they've got it's my best friend

it's in Oceans 12 isn't it it's what sorry you've seen Oceans 12 I've not seen it it's my best friend yeah he uses a smell to attract a lady it's like a pheromone yeah pheromone smell

yeah but it's pig piss apparently so I'm sat there stinking of pig piss in a suit that I'm not comfortable in she's thinking god you were more fun

the other night it's like yeah because I was with my mates and I'd had a drink and this guy she's thinking this guy's been to court for fucking pigs

and I was so uncomfortable and my mind was just racing a million miles and she broke the ice and she just went, she went, are you all right? What are you thinking right now? And that's the wrong thing to say to me.

Because I went, I wish she had a broken leg. And she went, what? And I went, and then I just mumbled something about lions. And she just was like, oh, let's just. So she asked you, what are you thinking right now? And I told her exactly what I was thinking right now? And you said... I was thinking, would I feel more comfortable if she had a cast on?

But you told her that? Because she said, what are you thinking right this minute? But I was panicking because I was in a really... And she didn't get the analogy, even worse than Adam didn't get the analogy. Because Adam just didn't get it, but she felt threatened. I wonder if you look good with a broken leg. Oh, right.

Well, I'm going to leave what I've had. So the day ended fairly quickly after that. I couldn't afford, because it was an expensive meal, I had to walk back to Withington, right? How long was that war? It was 45 minutes, an hour. By which time she's got home. She was friends with Claire, who was Jason's wife.

So they've already had the heads up. So Claire's obviously been texting her, ringing her, going, how was the date with Barry going? I got to, I put the key in the door, and the door just went, and just opened. And I just went, are you all right? And Claire just went, what's this about a broken leg? And I went, oh, no, no, no.

And I was like, look, can we just try and keep this quiet? Evidently, 15 years later, my friends aren't good at keeping secrets. And you thought that had been put to bed 15 years ago. I can't believe. Like, for any, we get the occasional writing

asking for, like, dating advice and relationship advice and stuff, and I don't really know why. I suppose Dan smashed it. He's got a beautiful wife and, you know, second baby now why I suppose Dan smashed it he's got a beautiful wife and you know second baby now on the way I suppose he's in a position to advise

just my personal thing is when a woman asks you what are you thinking right now just say anything but the truth yeah yeah yeah like it's never good I love you

you look great yeah your eyes they don't have sparkle in this light no man has ever been thinking that but just say it definitely don't say sparkle in this light. No man has ever been thinking that, but just say it. Definitely don't say, you'd look good with a broken leg.

Because what that implies is, I'm going to break your fucking leg. You'd have to really pull out and miss it to fucking break it, wouldn't you? That'd be an absolute nightmare. You'd need a run-up for that one. I've got another pain in me dick then. Are you all right? He's got an injured dick and this chat's not helping

I was having sex last night and I stubbed me dick yeah come out and then I hit the thigh on the way back in ooh did you do your banjo oh no I've already done that years ago

I've done that yeah turning a girl's bedroom into the back room of a butcher's just blood everywhere I did it at a one night stand

with a with a I shouldn't be saying this yes you should yes you should it at a one-night stand with a... Shut up. I shouldn't be saying this. Yes, you should. Yes. Yes, you should. It was a gig in Barnard Castle, an Earth Control gig, and it was with one of the regulars at the gig,

and we went back to hers and had a similar incident, and she had, I'll never forget, it was a beautiful cream carpet as well. And now it's raspberry ripple. And fuck goes done it it was going with my heartbeat like your heart goes boom and this would go boom and it's like boom but so i like i've run into my bathroom and all that the next the next this again my friends my friends not keeping shit to their self Stefan Petty comedian from Newcastle after the next gig because it got round the gig this woman

was there she was like oh yeah I was with the comp last month and everyone knew because they were all like shouting snapping like making banjo noises so I've got two things I'll talk I'll tell you slightly about my thing which I'm pretty sure I've told you before but just on the Stefan Petty thing.

I love Stefan. He's fantastic. And he won't mind me saying that he's fucking enormous. He's one of the biggest, fattest guys in comedy. I had him booked to do my gig. Someone's lost their throne, aren't they? I had him booked to do my gig once at Hope University in Liverpool. And he cancelled on the...

This is so funny and so bad. He cancelled on the day because his car had broke down and they gave him a courtesy car and he couldn't fit in it he couldn't get his car on

you got this fucking have you got this escort in an extra large, love? It's a good reason to pull. I'm going to have to get me missus to drive me and sit on the roof. When I sat my banjo, I was with my first serious girlfriend, and she lived in the attic, and her bed was directly above her mum and stepdad's bedroom. Right.

And we were having sex, and she'd put this dick numbing cream on me dick so that we could go for ages. And then the bed was being a bit loud, so she was like, let's move to the floor. But we moved to the floor while I was still in it, right? So I sort of picked it up and moved it and as we went to carry on i felt like just a little pinch yeah that's all it's

not painful but i was just like oh that was nothing carry on and then about 10 minutes later i was like she's very wet today oh yeah and then we turned the light on and it literally looked like a butcher's yeah where they're cutting up the meat and that and then she screamed and i'm panicking and then the door was locked but her mum was on the other side of the door going what's what's going on in there you know what i mean she's like i'm fine i'm fine you don't sound fine what's he done i was like i haven't done anything yeah what happens to your dick when your banjo goes because this is mentally happens. You lose the rigidity and it becomes like, have you ever seen like on a film or a TV program

where a fire hose just starts going everywhere? Have you ever had a water fight and you find a balloon that's been popped? It looks like that. It's just nothing. All the blood is gone. Oh, really? I thought I'd ruined my dick for good.

I didn't sleep that night. You popped your dick. Yeah. She told her mum that she just had a really heavy period and I can't tell you how heavy. I didn't sleep that night. You popped your dick. Yeah. She told her mum that she'd just had a really heavy period and I can't tell you how heavy this period would have needed to be.

It looked like experimental art. There was just red everywhere. The mattress was ruined forever. It was every... It was like...

I don't want to be graphic. There was blood on it. I wasn't... It wasn't in her mouth but there was blood all over her face, all over my body. It was everywhere because it goes off

it goes off like a fucking like a sprinkler yeah you know like at half time in the footy when they bring the water

out for one half the pitch and it's just going fucking everywhere yeah it does exactly that but with blood and it just went fucking everywhere

she went past the sleep I've got it you have painted that picture for so long sleep I've got it you have painted that picture for so long I can't think about your dick and blood anymore

she told him mum she's had a heavy and the next day I went to the doctors and they were just like you've snapped your banjo that's what he said

yeah don't have sex for too big she'll be fine what doctors was this come round see ya Dr Kev will see ya now I rang Paul Sinner you rang Paul Sinner What doctors was this? Come round and see you. Dr. Kev will see you now. I rang Paul Sinner.

You rang Paul Sinner? Oh, because the gays definitely know about snap banjos. No, because he's a doctor. Oh, shit, yes. I thought you were joking. I totally forgot. Paul Sinner qualified GP. End of the offering.

Went straight to it. He's put his dick in enough thumb holes he'll know about this. I need a dick specialist. I mean. So another thing Peter asked just before we go to any break because you brought this up. Peter said

he won't let it get aired but the stripper he went on a date with in the subsequent fallout i.e. the lesson it taught him. So Peter didn't think you'd want this aired but you brought it he went on a date with in the subsequent fallout i.e the lesson it taught him so peter didn't think you'd want this aired but you brought it up so what is it i'm gonna give it a sanitized version because there's a version of it that paints me in a very bad light but that's

what this podcast's for you can't possibly be in a better a worse light than us you want to see the the story that carl made me tell on Patreon this week, which we've had a lot of feedback by, just before we crack on with this, what will be incredible story. Oh my God, we've had such a lot of feedback about this week's Patreon. If you're not already a Patreon,

patreon.com slash have a word pod, starts at three quid a month, you get an extra episode every week, early access to these public ones and all that. And on the most recent one, Carl made me tell a one night stand story where I literally,

it doesn't make me look good. A finger finger to girl in an alleyway came on her face and then went back to me night out what the world needs now is love, sweet love, so whatever you've got Bonnie Dodds not just for you and me but for everyone

this was it was a one night stand and with a stripper though yeah where which city it was in Newcastle ah there you go

Barry pulled a stripper in London he'd be like Barry pulled a stripper in London, he'd be like, what? Barry pulled a stripper in Newcastle. Yeah, that sounds weird. Look at that fucking purple vein, Barry. Look at that blue fucking vein. That makes me an extra tenner a night. Like the fucking tine.

So. We had our evening. um oh what a gentleman and the next day now i sort of found out that she was not single oh okay good now she left and i sort of had that thing because the day where it happened had been a drinking day. Do you know what I mean? You know that fear you get after a drinking day? That kind of like, oh, God.

Hangover anxiety. Yeah. I get it really bad. Fuck it, I've taken, I've taken diazepam for it and all sorts of bad. It's fucking grim.

It's awful. I came so close the other week to go on the doctor's about it after that, Leeds played Man City. I'd gone out with my cousin and my little brother ended up back at my cousin's mates the next day the hangover anxiety was as bad as I've

remembered it ever being I know there's Covid but I've had way too many Bacardi's and Coke I think it's a sugar crash as much as it is alcohol can you stop anxiety shaming me I'll send you a link to some things you can have some

pills they're wonderful come on you fannies um so um yeah i found out that she wasn't single and she left and so i had this day of beer fear and i was also thinking what if her fella finds out about this now i just got a flat on my... I bought this flat when I worked at the hospital, and all I could think was, I'm on my own in this flat, and I'm now going to have somebody come round. And I was getting anxiety, so I did... It's a valid fear that, you know, if you cheat on...

If you're with a bird and she's got a guy, I never fucked around like that, because in my head I was like, I will do that with some steroid-using mentalist's missus. I think it's good self-defense to be like, you seem nice, but I choose life. Yeah. So I decided to text a close friend about this and share my anxieties and that and thought no more of it.

I didn't hear back from him. Then later that day day i got a text message from not somebody who was saved on my phone and it just said what the fuck are you doing last night and i went oh my god so i rang the peter straight away and i just like mate i've had this sex he's going oh just calm down just calm down just you know they they don't know where i was like oh but you might be getting the truth out of her and he'll be coming around. And all day, and what it was,

was the person I turned to in my moment of need had just got a new phone. Peter had a new SIM card. Peter Vincent. So I was texting him my worries and fears, and then he's replying with his new SIM card, a number I haven't got, pretending to be the boyfriend who's coming around to kill me.

He's a fucking genius. That. Peter. Yes. Better than any of his stand-up. It was. I can tell you what, the relief that night when he went, oh, it's just me, I've got a new SIM card.

I can still feel it now. That, oh, just that release of, like, this fear. Oh, God, it was horrible. So, yeah, cheers, Peter. Peter Vincent, one of the best promoters in the north of England. His stand-up was, he used to hold up pictures of hardcore pornography to rather middle-class audiences. I'd love to see his reaction if some fucking open spot did that at one of his gigs.

Went to, what's what's that gig stokesley that he's got yeah because he would do this thing he used to say i used to send pictures in to tony hart's gallery and i could still remember because he's quite camp on stage he's got and you know what he never used to put my pictures on the gallery so i'm going to recreate it now so and then he'd go music please and then he'd have given the cd to the sound guy and then and he used to hold up these huge boards and it was like cut out to magazine it was like uncle bob mom and uncle bob and it was just like you know how you get like when people send threatening letters and it's different letters come out the newspaper it was like that but with

porn pictures so you'd have some bloke from a catalogue and then just some hardcore porn just some woman and he's like i'll never forget being stood at the back it was when dan atkinson ran it it was the other side in york the poshest gig he could have done this music going ding ding ding he's behind the thing so he can't see people's reaction. Him turning this thing round and just the audience going... And not looking but this music playing as everybody just got more and more. Then the next one came up and it was, Bungle takes it up the glitter.

And the word glitter was done in glitter and it was Bungle but with more hardcore gay porn cut out and stuck on the back of it. In Peter Vincent's defence, I do find York quite a difficult town to gig in. It can be a bit strapped. I think it might be York. York's my bogey town.

Have you got a bogey town? Have you got a place you don't, like, that city just doesn't go well? York's mine, you know. I never have a good gig in York. I've never come off in York like Nailed that there I opened for Manford in York And I come off like Yeah

That wasn't good enough Mine is And you won't like this Liverpool It's Liverpool Is it really? No but I've seen you smash it in Liverpool I've always found Liverpool really difficult

I've always found it Just somewhere Unpleasant Common What? I think what it is I'm just taking a piss I can't believe you let that slide I've always found Liverpool really difficult. I've always found it just somewhere. Unpleasant, common, what? I think what it is. I'm just taking a piss. I can't believe you let that slide. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's your fucking funeral. The amount of fucking listeners you've got to ask. I was doing it to get it. And you were like, yeah, go on. Sorry, everyone. I was just being a dick. And Adam was like, oh, yeah. I don't know what it is.

I also find the same. Maybe it's because Liverpool's got a very strong identity. And I think the North East has as well. I find the North what it is. I also find the same, maybe it's because Liverpool's got a very strong identity and I think the North East has as well. I find the North East really tricky. I love both of them. I can have weird ones in Glasgow because some of my little caricatures in my voices are like posh English and I don't mean to do it and I only notice it in Glasgow.

I've had two or three in the last five years in Glasgow. I've had blinders there weirdly Glasgow can get eggy when you're like oh when you do a little voice and they're like what the fuck

was that voice yeah yeah yeah but I think me and Adam will get away with it in Glasgow because I love Glasgow you're more regional

yeah yeah I really like if I just talked in this voice all the time I'd get away with it right but then if you do, like, it's weird.

I mean, Glasgow... I've got a bit of a... I've got a bit of a theory about why, about Northeaster audiences and Liverpool audiences. I think Liverpool audiences, like, love Scouse Comedian because they love this. It's like that kind of, he's one of us, he's up there, he's being funny, good on you, lad.

I think the Northeaster's a slightly different attitude of, what are you doing? You're one of us? What are you doing? You know what? That's so funny. I remember John Fothergill, the comedian, saying, I can't fucking headline.

I'm from Newcastle. And it's the weirdest thing because in Liverpool, that's so funny. I remember John Fothergill, the comedian, saying, I can't fucking headline. I'm from Newcastle. Yeah. And it's the weirdest thing because in Liverpool, that's the complete opposite. Yeah. And I was like, what do you mean? He was like, ah, you didn't want to fucking headline it. That sounds like your brother.

And if you were not from Newcastle, because I worked there, we became mates when I did a comedy course. You were the first person I met on that comedy course. I didn't do the course. No. In Newcastle when we did the Absolute Begrinners. I didn't do it. I was after that.

Had we already met then? No, I bumped into you at the Hyena. Oh, I was working at the Hyena already. Yeah. Yeah, and our headliners, if they were American Canadian Australian they literally got such a fucking head start

because Geordie's like oh fucking thanks for coming and I remember yeah they think you've come over just for that gig Reg D Hunter

walking on big black guy American he's from like Georgia or Atlanta and he's like hey he's from Atlanta Georgia

what's up what's up yeah Georgia Atlanta yeah he walked on and he's like hey he's from Atlanta Georgia what's up what's up yeah Georgia Atlanta he uh he walked on and he was like hey what's happening

I'm not from round here I'm from Middlesbrough now that is a bit of a hacky old gag I've never seen a crowd fall apart

laughing that is the funniest thing they'd ever heard how do you know about fucking Middlesbrough they were so entertained by it laughing that is the funniest thing they'd ever heard how do you know about fucking medals bro they were so

entertained by it oh shall we have a little advepry because that's the longest chunk we've ever done

sorry oh not your fault mate it was fire mate it was fucking great chop as much as you want out of me oh we don't chop anything else

absolutely fucking nothing even when I misremember how long I've known you. Who's this cunt? Or what Paul Simmer does. I think I got that spot on. What he does in his spare time is no one's business in this room.

I think I got that just right. Away from our sponsors. What's happening, lads? Today's sponsor is Beer 52. Beer 52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. If you're into your beers, your ales, your stouts,

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I didn't think we were back. Oh, no. I thought we were back. Leave that in. That's funny. We're back now. Yeah, no, we're back. We've been back.

That looks funny as fuck now. Right. I've got a would you rather. Got would you rather go on then okay so would you rather sit on a key yeah and eat cock we've had it we had this one i was gonna say we had this one felt like we'd had that sorry okay um do you want to start do you want to start this section again then yeah oh that was funny though wasn't it i'll make it work i'll make it work take two dude outtakes do a blooper reel for your Patreons. I think the actual show is funnier than the bloopers. Would you rather spend a week in a house with no internet with your mother-in-law, Adam, your old driving instructor?

Okay. So obviously you haven't got a mother-in-law, Dan, you have. Or to get out of it, you have to watch a hour-long video of them getting banged by Cliff Richard. Sorry, just give me it again because I got confused by the driving instructor. So you have to spend a week in a house with your mother-in-law with no internet. Or watch Cliff Richard. Oh my God. Or watch the bangers off your mother-in-law for an hour.

But Adams is John A.A., our driving instructor. John, my driving instructor. Because I haven't got a mother-in-law for an hour. But Adam's is John AAR driving instructor. John my driving instructor because I haven't got a mother-in-law. See what I mean? Yeah. See what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah. And the same question to you Barry. So what I'll do is because I haven't got a mother-in-law I'll go Heather

who was my driving instructor and she was like you'd imagine I imagine we had very similar looking driving instructors. Mine was called John

oh right Barry just pull the mic up a little bit sorry so no no yeah just pull it towards you

alright sorry there you go thanks mate there we go so what are you going for a week with no internet so basically it's not like

you can't set your phone on the screen yeah I'll go for a week with no internet and hang out with Jude my mother-in-law because the other option is the worst also my brother-in-law watches the podcast so this is his mum we're talking about laura might never catch this but i know that tom is going to catch this so i would spend a week with my mother-in-law who is dead sound and a lovely woman it's a glimpse to the future that though what if sort of watching because that's what laura's gonna become that's what they say isn't it yeah yeah don't don't lock

me in your weird dead eyes i know i've no cause backing me cause backing me up this if you look at your you look at your partner's mother and that's what they'll end up looking like specifically with women what a

what a wonderful window into the future I'm watching John get his fucking batty smashed mate absolutely like my driving instructor was a fucking nightmare

like and he was alright but he was like it was his little inflections the way he said okay

I couldn't listen to that for a week okay okay nice smooth feet oh my god that does sound annoying

oh my god how many lessons did you have before you passed a lot did you enough I did three tests

okay nice smooth feet do you reckon you could spend the week together in a house with no no no no could he spend a week anywhere without the internet no i don't think i could i'd get i'd get too much um i'd get anxiety what a sad world i know who could you spend genuinely in the world a week with without the internet you just one on one who could you spend

that time with because I think it's easy to romanticise like my best mate oh I could not spend a week with this no exactly because your best mate

your best mate especially in adult life like I love my best mates I see them once in a while speak to them on the phone a bit but a week is such a fucking

intense amount you can't even like scroll from now to like fucking when me and Carl go on like a trip sometimes like sometimes we'll go to like London for a few days but a week is such a fucking intense amount of time. You can't even scroll from now to fucking... When me and Carl go on a trip sometimes, sometimes we'll go to London for a few days. Or we went to Berlin for three or four days. Come the end of that, I need a week where I don't see him.

Yeah, and that is in a place where you want companionship and you've got loads of things to do. A week in a house, that's the whole thing. I would honestly, i would roll the dice with that and just have a stranger do you know what i mean just just so you can at least get to know them right because if it goes wrong it's just some cunt you'll never see again unless you fall in love with them okay good he he really does honestly that is so unexpected like unless it's a really beautiful thing.

You could fall in love with them. Love, at first, hostage situation. Yeah? Yeah, okay, yeah. What's it called, that? Schadenfreude? No. No, Stockholm Syndrome.

Stockholm Syndrome. Schadenfreude. No, Stockholm Syndrome is when you are trapped by someone and then they let you go, but you don't want to leave, isn't it? Yeah, you fall in love with your captain, I think. Yeah. The other person's not a captain in this situation. No, but I mean,

if you're being forced to stay in somewhere for a week, but I actually think that whole week away, like my mother-in-law, it's easy to be like, my mother-in-law, my mother-in-law is one of the most chilled out, sound fucking women. She's just like,

we swear in front of her, she's seen my porn fucking searches and she just brushed it off like a fucking champ she was like can i use your laptop and and i literally thought it as i heard the first type of the keyboard going in the fucking search bar and it wasn't even like i'd cleared the browsing history a week ago it was like six months of like, awful fucking cocky. And she just went, oh! I'm so conscious of a porn search on my phone.

So when I go to show, like if I need to Google something, the way you Google something on an iPhone on Safari, you go to that, and then you just start typing in there. But anything you've already searched comes up suggested. And like if I'm showing someone something,

I'm so conscious of going and it looks dodgy it looks like you don't want them to see something and it is they don't want them to see anything it's just

that's exactly what happened on Google she put in whatever she was going for and it just auto suggested like lesbian gangbang and she just went ooh

and then never said a fucking word let's just would you would you right now surrender your phone to me and Adam to look at your search history on your phone, would you right now surrender your phone to me and Adam to look at your search history on your phone? Yeah.

Would you? Because have you seen what this podcast is? It's a no-holds-barred, unfiltered lid fest. Like, there isn't any... I'd actually be, I'd be happier keeping it just to leave an air of mystery about it, like Dan will have some crazy shit when you go on and go

B&Q B&Q I forgot we're not we're not 29 anymore I could see the cogs in your you had B

locked down and Q was like I'll go with cogs I watched your fucking eyes turn and then go with coags. I watched your fucking eyes turn and then... Did you ball it on queers?

Yeah. I actually did. For some reason I did. Do you know why I think I did? Because the Q in LGBTQ plus is queers and I thought quegs will be less offensive because they haven't been like grandfathered in

by the alphabet people. This is why I need to go on a diet. Laughing this much when you're fat really hurts your rib cage. I want to know whether that's an actual search on on porn or blacks and quegs. Google it. This isn't my laptop

and the things I search fucking funny straight right on it you're gonna get yourself banned by another fucking gaming service here

I don't I just I think this is such a dirty safe space that I don't like you could find stuff and be like yeah yeah

I mean Blacks and Gays yeah but Quakes that's quite a colloquial term, isn't it? Yeah. Honestly, my Sephora keeps crashing. How do you spell quegs? Q-U-E-G-S. Oh, here we are.

Highbrow podcasting. Blacks. Q-U-E-G-S, quegs and... No, it's not. Surprisingly, blacks and quegs is not a search. Well, Barry, when you worked in and Quags is not a search. Well, Barry, when you worked in the hospital, did you work in the morgue, am I right?

I would. Not in the morgue specifically. I worked for the sort of logistics supplies team, so I'd spend a certain amount of time each week in different... So, like, in one day, I'd be spending time in four places. So you've seen a lot of dead bodies? Yeah, I've seen, yeah. Can I tell tell you this we've got an email from from a mouse and who's one of our the people yeah he interacts so much uh and this was a cork and as it's halloween just gone and as it's you on the podcast because if you don't know barry's work he's he's got an amazing

hit podcast called the Parapod, and you're a believer in the afterlife. How would you, like, the paranormal, ghosts? I'm a believer in ghosts and the paranormal, and I'm actively a ghost hunter, and I do about four ghost hunts a month. Have you ever seen a ghost? Just for the babes.

Now, I recently made a film where it was about the search to try to find a ghost. It's called The Parapod Movie. And if I tell you if I've seen one or not, that would sort of give away the point of the film. So I'll answer it up to the start of filming. And at that point in time, so what was this, two, three years ago when we started filming it, at that point, no, I had not seen a ghost. I'll leave it ambiguous to whether I have or not. That's how you tease

a film. Because I love the idea, I was obsessed with ghosts when I was a kid. I really was. There was a series of books called Haunted Liverpool by Tom Sleman, I think his name is. And I had all of them up to like number 14. Yeah. Just a collection of Liverpool ghost stories,

and I really, really liked them. And I was really sort of into ghosts when I was younger, and then I've told these guys before, there was one time when I lived in my auntie's that I just felt like my mum, and she was dead, was on the arm of the couch. I didn't see her.

I just got this really overwhelming feeling that my mum was there looking at me. So I'm very open minded and your auntie came in with a fucking broom Anne get out you're fucking dead

you stupid bitch get back in the fucking grave no one nights no poltergeist but you're totally against it and obviously on your podcast

the pod pod with Ian Bouldsworth formerly Ray Peacock he is completely total sceptic and you're the same aren't you yeah what are you no i'm a total skeptic really yeah but you sort of hinted things at times no i remember when i was in my car crash and you text me saying that's your mum looking over you that yeah yeah but that's just the scouts in him like that's your mum it's like it's night

uh staring the key it's just nice sometimes it's nice to believe in like a spiritual thing like that but when it comes to like ghosts no joe i'll say this to you now you'll probably cut this out and not put it in the episode but it's a good way of having it recorded somewhere to remember it when lockdown gets lifted would you fancy if i took you three into somewhere haunted? Oh my God. Fucking too right. I know. As if we're cutting that out.

Yeah, I'm into it. I already know where I'd go and it would be Newsham Park. Oh, the hospital. Where's Newsham Park? Five minutes from where we live. That is scary. Orphanage and it used to be an orphanage and it used to be an asylum and it's now abandoned. That was a scaredy laugh.

I know. Do you know why? Because I'm a total skeptic and then I just shit myself. I just went, who fucking hell? Orphanage makes it even scarier. I know the people who are a ghost hunting company who do all the events there. I'm very good.

So I'll have a word with them. Because I write for a magazine as well so i'll do i'll book it in for my ghost nonce weekly yeah when i book in for ghost nonce weekly i'll i'll say to them i'm bringing three other people along with me because i can take people along because walking around abandoned buildings on your own can be a bit dangerous right so when we have to wait till the owners fucked up to wait until because i was meant to be going no word of a lie to um tomorrow i was meant to be going tomorrow because i did not in him last saturday i was meant to be going to newsham park tomorrow but because of tier three

it's there's now what would tier two make it possible uh yes if we were in a bubble which we obviously are yes of course we are yeah i love work get in my bubble uh which we obviously are. Yes, of course we are. Yeah, I love you. Get in my bubble. Do you want to hear this story? Yes. I've got a story about how I punched a corpse. No, it's not a necrophiliac story. Basically,

I work for an ambulance service. I'm on my journey to be a paramedic and was transferring a recently deceased patient to the mortuary at 3 a.m. when the body suddenly sat up in the bed and in the process, a paramedic and was transferring a recently deceased patient to the mortuary at 3 a.m when the bottom when the body suddenly sat up in the bed and in the process the air that was left in the body expelled causing the unliving to fucking roar at me like a bastard zombie both myself and my colleague absolutely shat our pants with her running out of the room and with my fight or flight instinct

taking over i cracked it one in the jaw we bagged it up and dropped it off at the mortuary with my colleagues still as white as old dog shit and me with a guilty look on my face please keep my name anonymous as i could lose my career over this big love is that can that happen that happened well usually the fart as the gas escapes it's usually like you'll end up in a mortuary the death fart

they'll just fart it must smell really bad as well that's worse than a normal fart a dead fart a dead fart yeah the only dead body

I've ever seen it's not going to smell good is it roses depends what they had for the last meal the only dead body I've ever seen

was my grandad John And I was really freaked out by it I was only young But they just look like they're asleep You know like when you hover over someone when they're asleep And they sort of like For some reason they get an air of the fact you're there And they're like what the fuck are you doing

I sort of expected them to do that I expected my grandad John to be like what the fuck are you doing I'm having a fucking coffin kip Which of course they don't which is fine but if they go not all i mean you'd bangers on me out there i'd have fucking knocked me smash me dead granddad's head in absolutely but the thing is if you've spent any amount of time in a hospital for any reason you've probably because there's loads of because death is a taboo but in a hospital it's obviously not because it's just part of what happens in the day there

like if you if you're next time you're in a hospital if you ever see like two porters walking along pushing like a bed yeah um that's just got a sheet off it there's a good chance that's not just a bed they're taking to a ward the sheet hangs over a certain length and there's actually a compartment under they call them the buyers because it's a buyers oh so they don't have the body under the sheet people give me like that's underneath the top of the table so when it gets the mortuary they open it up and it's just to not freak the kids like little timmy's come for his appendix out and then all of a sudden like more yeah okay yeah it's

yeah they creeps me out yeah does that freak you out I'll tell you I'll tell you another one after the podcast it's really dark

but it's certainly not for a comedy podcast oh come on no you can't dig tease you absolutely dig tease no

no that's a solid no as well Yeah Have you got Anything else you want to fire this way? Yeah I've got a question Did we do the would you rather?

Oh yeah we did yeah Oh definitely Have you got another would you rather? Yeah I've got another would you rather If you want Another little funny one Another little funny one This has got this

Hey Dad at Christmas Pull a cracker Would you rather Constantly stink of shit But you can't smell it Or constantly smell shit And no one else can

I'd rather constantly smell shit Yeah same I'd rather smell shit I don't want anyone to think I stink Do you know what I mean Yeah yeah yeah It's right Especially as a single man you can't especially as a like a single man

you can't be stinking of shit because no one's gonna fuck you but you know what I mean more romance advice from Adam young lads if you're out there

you want to learn from like a young master no lads I sit down saw you through it you can't stink of piss pig piss or shite

because the fucking babes, they're not going to let you anywhere near the fanny. Do you wear aftershave? Yeah. What do you wear? I've got a bottle of Sauvage. I've got a bottle of... Sauvage.

Sauvage. Sauvage. It's actually... I thought you pronounced it... Sauvage. Sauvage. Fucking Gillet. Sauvage. Gillet. It is Gillet. soviagi fucking gillet soviagi

gillet it is gillet if you're not a fucking word gimp I've got to be honest I've never heard anyone call it a gilly until I started

listening to this podcast yeah because you're a fucking gimp but who are we talking to here that is true a gillet

yeah fuck you now what do you call it? I would have called it a gillet. Yes. Right. But admittedly, it wasn't. Two of my best friends.

Parabellans. But what's your perfume you wear? What's your eau de toilette? Sauvage. Fucking sauvage. Sauvage. Sauvage. You sound like such a nonsense.

I've got a bottle of Million, pack of Rabanne, and I've got a bottle of Jean-Paul Gaultier, the original one. Yes, I've got, but yeah, it's well nice that's what I'm waiting for it's fucking

horrible and sickly which? you smell like a big gay sweetie what do you wear? Jean Paul Gaultier what do you wear? I wear

I've got some I've got I've got some what else have I got? Hugo Boss orange oh classic you're some Sauvage. Um, what else have I got? Uh, Hugo Boss, orange. Oh, classic. You're a Sauvage guy, aren't you?

I'm a Sauvage guy, yeah. I've got some Sauvage as well. You don't wear it, like, in Japan, no one wears Aftershave, so... Savage. Because I thought, that was really sad, because I thought Aftershave was dying out, like a thing that people weren't... Ah, but you can't smell of shite.

So you want to smell of Sauvage. I bought a bottle of, savage I bought a bottle of I bought a bottle of Old Spice and Poundland not too long ago because smells linked it's linked to memory

more than more than something like visual so if you get a chance because after Shiv I thought nobody's wearing it anymore if you get an old one smell it it fucking does weird things

to your brain why? did you get touched by a bloke wearing old spies do you know what as soon as it was a very it is a very pedophile sort of aftershave though i thought it was brute no high karate and stuff like that can you get high karate and is that actually a japanese thing i've never heard what's high karate it was a it was very is that when you're fucking doing kung fu when you're off your head on mushrooms

no it's a very very used to get used to get like talk it was a very Dan you need Kobe on this I'm dead Kobe

I can't decide if it's going to be perfect or good it needs to be Kobe I'm missing something here so every time I make a shit clunky joke like is that when you know

you're going to add mushrooms he always goes Kirby it's such a great little mechanism because some of them are blinded on the patron episode he was like it was either scoring a beautiful

fucking half volley into the top corner or just swatting it into the fucking family stand. There was no middle ground. It was either great joke or like someone told me a story was it? Oh God, I might be, this might be inappropriate to bring it up a story about somebody

comparing, I think at hot water and someone saying where you're from and them going in and they go, I'm from Aintree and the comp I just went horses it was me was that you it was me I was drunk on me birthday

I was drunk and someone went ain't you and I was like oh horses and Danny McLaughlin Paul Smith and Freddie Quinn

with the rest of the bill so you're never getting away with that are you that's why I know about I get sent it once a fucking week like one of them will be on the motorway behind a fucking box that's got horses in about it I get sent it once a fucking week like one of them will be on the motorway

behind a fucking box that's got horses in and they'll take a photo of it and be like yeah lad Phil Chapman was comparing hot water spoke to someone

was like entry and he looked right at hot water's camera and went horses it happens all the fucking time Danny McLaughlin fucking ran with it

he was like oh yeah just got a new job as a chef horses he didn't fucking stop right I just got a new job as a chef courses he didn't fucking stop right I've got a I've got a word

I've got a have a word or a good question the good question's about the draft in World War 2 right and the have a word is about

spending too much time on your phone well we haven't done a have a word we're wrapping up here aren't we time wise let's do the have a word because we haven't done one

for a couple of weeks and we'll do that draft question I've's just have a word and we'll do that draft question I've had a little spy of that we'll do that next week go for it so this is from George what's happening

Audrey, Denise and Caroline can you please have a word with my best mate Paul every time we're together he spends 90% of the time on his phone scrolling through social media messaging absolute

quarterback birds and betting on any footy he can find he loves a ukrainian football league bet i know i'm not his bird but it would be sound if he put his phone down for a bit i love being on my phone too but it's not stuck to my hand like his do you know anyone like this it feels like i'm talking to myself half the time anyway i love the pod pod you're all my heroes uh carl i've got a sense of why you've chosen this have a word um what do you think adam i think people are just really rude if they're on the phone a lot yeah because you get the vibe that they're not really listening to you and they're quite self-involved and they don't really care about what you've got to say yeah i don't like it cool yeah that's a good point isn't it yeah are you suggesting that i'm on my

phone you're on your phone i couldn't work out who's stitching who up there you're like a pubescent girl on tiktok mate i have had to make a concerted effort at times to not be on it like i said to him the other day when we're together, I've noticed sometimes I'm on it. You're on yours just as much, really. But I've started just putting it down and turning it that way. So even if I get a notification, I don't see it. And obviously I mentioned before,

I've been on a couple of dates recently. I just try and turn all my notifications off so that I only check it if I'm on a date with a girl, she goes to the toilet. I'll be like, I'll have a little look or whatever while I'm bored. But you are work. This is what Laura finds hard, especially since the pod has started going well. We've got a WhatsApp group.

We've got the Twitter. We're putting content out. I'm also a comedian who takes bookings via your phone. It's very hard when it's your earnings as well as your social life and you're following sport and your internet banking but when it's the way you make money fuck me is it very addictive to whenever to just be like so laura and i have got this thing where she's like look i know it's work but can we watch this film and you're like yeah it's not work at quarter to nine on a tuesday night i'm just i'm just being a dick and then when she says it i'm like i'm on ebay so just put your phone if i was

watching a film with somebody and they got their phone i'd go well we're not watching this then and i'd turn it off and yeah same i'd be like no i was like that so when i was with jade she wouldn't watch films a lot of the time and she got to the point where she wouldn't even start a new TV series because she was like oh you won't let me go on my phone while I'm on I'm like yeah because if you miss 5 minutes of a fucking TV series the fucking end of the whole series

you might have missed the set up for that like if a TV series is good if a film's good if a stand up comedian's good oh my god don't do it in a comedy club it's the most annoying thing when you're like, you know the set's going well. And you see someone's face light up blue.

Just fuck off. Also, if you miss a word of a stand-up comedian and it doesn't affect the punchline, then the comedian's not really doing their job. Do you know what I mean? There shouldn't be words in that you can miss and still get the joke. Like quag.

Yeah, exactly. But missing a couple of minutes of a film. Do you know what? Yeah, it's so true. The Parapod film. We were down in London for the premiere. It was in Leicester Square. It was at the Prince Charles Cinema.

It was a really big deal. It had been sold out for so long. The queue was going right through into Chinatown for people getting in. We made like a film of how long the queue was. It was like the biggest moment. Do you reckon there was any just Chinese people joining the queue thinking it was a really good restaurant?

Must be very good. Nowhere else has big queue. See, that's more Japanese now. How have he wants to get that wrong is that japanese it's good uh mate i wasn't gonna call you on it i'm just surprised you did it why oh this fat man from newcastle he's not the restaurant i expected there are no way they're too film star they're too far hey hey hey you you know tonkus fucking red peacock last night we go to see crouching tiger hidden jody

perfect perfect right nailing it do you know what i mean It's either gold or shite. So it was a big moment. I was in a tux. We had some celebrities coming down to it. It was great. It's really got me. We got in. We presented the film. And honestly, the sweat and tears that Ian had put into that film,

because when we made it, there's no script. It was just, here's a ton of money and some cameras, go and make a film. So there's no, but you need to still have a beginning, middle and end because it's a film. So Ian had to find that story in all this footage. So it's like you say, every single bit counted. So we were in, we introduced it, we sat down

and it's like, it was such good energy. Because even, you know the BBFC card that comes up, this film's been rated. I've actually got that framed on my wall. That went up and it got a cheer, like, fucking hell, this is a real film. We sit down at the back, and about halfway through it, we're right at the back of the room.

The people in front of me and Ian start chatting. Oh, God. And it's like, this is the fucking biggest moment. There's absolutely not a chance in hell that I wouldn't have kicked off. Well, Ian just leant forward and just went, shut up. And then sat back. But imagine being those people. Because it's not often you go to the cinema and, like, Tom Cruise. And then sat back. But what, imagine being those people. Because it's not often you go to the cinema and like Tom Cruise will just lean over him.

Just call him, like the bloke on screen will tell you to shut up. And it was like that, yeah, any talking. That's absolutely what I'd have done. Either shut up or just fucking get off. It's sad if you don't like it, but just get out. But I feel like that, in a film I've just paid fucking nine quid for. Yeah. like it but just get out but i feel like that and a film i've just paid fucking nine quid for yeah if it was like have a word the film which by the way i don't think it's getting made i'm

trying to think what that would even be about we've got we've got half a million budget where do you want to go lads right it should zimbabwe it should be you two with no no you've got 100 pound each and your mission is to get to texas to meet jilly bean oh wow oh my god that's top gear level shit i'd watch that barry you look like a director you look like you were cleaning the car but now you look like i probably just get stuck at fucking angle c ferry port likeerryport, like, I've run out of money. Martin Joe Daisy? Oh, come on! Come on!

No! Martin Joe Daisy, come on, lad! Come on, lad! Come on, lad! You've got to give me that! Good job, Jim Lee. Is that a pod? Is that a pod and a half?

Yeah, but I want to actually put that out to our listeners. If you want us at some point, because to take inspiration from the Podapod, by the way, I've got to say this, we've referenced the Podapod a couple of times on this. It's one of the only podcasts I truly love. I don't really listen to many podcasts the only time i really have them on is in the car so i'll put like your mom's house on or like

bill bear's monday morning or if rogan's got a guest that i want to listen to but i got into the parapod to the point where i was like taking baths instead of showers so that i could listen to it i fucking loved it so if you haven't checked the Parapod out already, go and check it out. It's on all podcast platforms. But they made a movie, and I want us to make a fucking movie. So I want suggestions, either in the YouTube comments would be better for us,

or to haveawirdpod at gmail.com. I want you to suggest ways in which we could put a film together. I like that idea because you could do that. You've got the 4K cameras yeah you just need some backing you need some people behind you

yeah you need all your listeners now to be hassling independent studios saying let's make the next independent podcast let's get a plot

I'll tell you what this intern's gonna be doing some fucking work thanks so much as always listening to us if you want more of this shit and you want early access to the

public stuff go to patreon.com slash have a word pod we've got some new merch coming soon as well that will be announced in a couple of weeks have you got anything

you want to plug Barry nope twitter handle nah I've joined instagram patreon um you'd have to

go and listen to the parapod yeah okay good sorry I can see how you got that film mate I've joined Instagram. Patreon. You'd have to... Go and listen to The Parapod. Yeah. Okay. Good. Sorry. I can see how you got that film, mate.

Honestly, Ian goes nuts because I'm so bad at this. I'm bad at selling. Not really, no. Just a... I hope you've... Thanks for having us. Go to theparapod.com or just The Parapod on iTunes. Try some Aldi whiskey. I want another whiskey come on

we've got work to do you can have another one we've got work to do we're not going anywhere just yet it's been an absolute fucking joy Barry thank you

God bless you and everyone that sells in you it's been fun thanks for having me guys bye Felicia give us a bye Felicia no

bye Felicia no pussy oh