Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #93 with Lauren Pattison - IN STUDIO - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: November 9, 2020

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Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? When she pick it up every time she's on the talk, molded by it. Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? When she pick it up every time she starts to talk, give her the dick. Disgusting! She'll be like, hello. What? Oh, what I'm doing? This is when you get it. What I'm doing? Oh, none.

Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios, hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England, these are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube. Ja! Upset me! Don't be a rat. Download, subscribe and tell a friend. It's the one and only. Have a word.

That was The Killers with Mr Brightside. Welcome back to 97.4 FM. We're here with Dan Nightingale from the Havilland podcast. How are you doing, Dan? Great, thanks for the opportunity. Here's Carol with the weather. We're running out of where used to start episodes. I mean, the voice that you did sounded like you regretted doing it within like three syllables you're like

like the will to live i fucking hate commercial radio station suck my fat youtube using nuts oh okay this is 97.4. It's 97.4. Oh, we've got a text in from Fuckwit. It's 97.4. How much would they have to offer to pay you? Pay, yeah, for you to stop doing this and host... And host, like, BBC Radio Lancashire.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I literally wouldn't host BBC Radio Lancashire because that is just... That is just playing to all your uncles and aunties ever. There must be a figure on it. We like local news. We couldn't give a fuck about foreigns. I don't even give a shit about people in different counties.

But there must be a figure. What, to do 97.4 Rock FM? Yeah. Preston's leading commercial music radio station. But there also must be a figure for you to do BBC Radio Lancashire. And I'm not allowed to do this.4 rock fm yeah preston's leading commercial music radio station but there also must be a figure for you to do bbc radio lancashire and and i'm not allowed to do this no i would honestly it would have to get to the point where i was fucking with their like annual budget they'd be like dan's really expensive i mean and i'm never allowed to come back. No. I can't. I replace you with...

Be careful here. Pete Otway. Oh, well, I don't mind Pete Otway. I thought you were going to go for one of my enemies. I replace you with... Freddie Quinn! Yeah. The phone's just gone down.

I can't do it. I can't do it. This is... We are literally on the first wave of the future where we get to do what bell ends on radio

are doing except we get to say nonce as much as we like oh the freedom of a quag where is

there's a the liberty of a cunt there's a quote on BBC Radio you can say nonce but just not as much as you want to

like six or seven an episode good morning you're listening to BBC Radio You can say nonce but just not as much as you want to Like six or seven an episode Good morning you're listening to BBC Radio Lancashire Here's Quegg with the weather Dan would you do the Trevor McDonald spot What's the Trevor McDonald spot 10 o'clock news ITV Thanks because I didn't know what you meant

But then you said that and I was like oh yeah yeah The 10 o'clock news I know this sounds ridiculous To meant, but then you said that, and I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, the 10 o'clock news. I think we're... I know this sounds ridiculous to say this, but this is getting ridiculous. Look at how we're fucking dressed. No one at ITN's thinking, I think the news could do with a bit of a fresh breath of air.

These two lids talking absolute nonsense and hurting people's eyes with the T-shirts. They might do at some point, though. It'd be better, wouldn't it? It would be better. We would improve. There isn't a single TV show or radio show in this country that we wouldn't improve. Bold, mate.

Not a single TV show. Not one. Homes Under The Hammer. Oh, no. For definite. Homes Under The Hammer. Come on, mate. With me and him.

He on Dublin hosts it. Exactly. And he's a boring cunt and he was a shit footballer. And you can tell him I said it just because you want him to hug you you've listened to that episode

in depth what news I'd love to do how good would the news be with a few quegs a few cunts a few fucks kids TV

oh mate American election is going on as we speak and it's a clusterfuck more on this Adam I can see me and Dan

Bringing back SMTV Yeah Remember SMTV Dick and Dom Dick and Dom No SMTV With Dick and Cat Dealey And we can get Cat Dealion as well

I know you want Cat Dealion No but you could be Dick and Dom What would you be Nance and Adam Well he can be Dick And I can be

Dick and Nance Dick and Nance yeah In the studio go go dick and nonce but no i can't do commercial radio me and carl used to play boners bonus without context play bonus doesn't fucking give us much oh you'll have to try and find our videos to slide in here but there's a video video of me and Carl. So you know the bogeys? Here, do some extra work. Do you know the classic bogeys game? Do you know what bogeys is? Yeah.

Yeah. No. You don't? I was about 34 when SMTV was on. No, bogeys was Dick and Dom. Bogeys was even after us, but I still found out I was supposed to say through the grapevine, right? Oh, right. Didn't you watch Dick and Dom?

The grapevine. Not really. No. Bogeys was a... You had to sort of say bogies louder than the last person who said bogies

and the first person to get caught, you do it in like class so I'd go bogies. Oh yeah, I did hear about that. Bogies! Bogies!

So me and Carl played it as adults walking around town shouting boners. Yeah. And then there's a video of us in the Mayflower, Liverpool's premier

Chinese 5am restaurant and we're playing boners at 5 o'clock in the morning and the restaurant hates us. Can I just say, playing boners Chinese 5am restaurant. And we're playing Boners at 5 o'clock in the morning. And the restaurant hates us. Can I just say, playing Boners at 5am in a pissed up Liverpool City Centre Chinese restaurant isn't as brave as you think it is, is it? Like, playing it in a soft play at quarter past ten on a Tuesday morning, now that's high risk Boners, isn't it?

As a kid comes down the slide and Carl goes, BONERS! 5am when everyone's like, in now that's high risk bonus isn't it as a kid comes down the slide and car goes bonus like five a.m when everyone's like and they're just trying to get like prawn toast but yeah but can i imagine how it went so adam went bonus yeah and then you went bonus and then he went because he's competitive i think we're both equally as competitive. No, I think if you watch that video, then I feel like Dan's already seen it. I do think that's how it went.

Usually it starts small. Bonus. We start with the winning boner. Come on, thanks, Tom. Bonus! You just go for it, don't you? Because, like... Yeah, because you've got no shame.

I think the game is funny if you fear the consequences so if you're a kid 12 year old kid year fucking 7 year 8

and you shout boners in geography like that's high risk innit when you're a grown man and you're in a pissed up Chinese takeaway

at 5am shouting boners full voice there's no consequence depending on the Chinese restaurant they might just think you're ordering I want to take him

to Mayflower you'd fucking love the Mayflower I'd love the Mayflower oh my god we haven't been on a proper night out yet nine months of

being pod bears weirdly I thought about that as I was loading up a fridge into a into a thing it sort of struck me

that there's like no social activities. I've been saying for a while, because this is built... When did you get here? Start of August. We've been in here religiously since the start of July. And it was all like, oh, well, we'll have a big night out and there'll be a big night out. Maybe we'll do something special for Christmas for the pod. And then it's all just got taken away. And I'm and i'm like i was kind of planning to fucking do something

but i i could i desperately need a night out just to reclaim some of my testicles and be a man i would i'd shout boners on the foot in the taxi on the way to liverpool that's that's how excited i am we won't tell that story but we used to what oh yeah you played boners in a taxi absolutely um we've got some brutal taxi stories some of the taxi stories you're involved with do not like do not retell well no they're harrowing um can we just say that we've got tom the intern in yeah just because i referenced it Tom the intern's in yeah if you're wondering

who that large person behind Carl is like if you need security yeah yeah yeah fucking hell oh and shout out to the security

at the Heath Business Park who watch the podcast we love you guys we love all the work you do thank you so much for keeping us safe Joanne's the best Yeah

We Yeah Stop naming people There's a fucking 20 minute segment Are you calling it a cunt? I didn't name her No you didn't

I didn't Shut the fuck up I didn't Well I'll bleep it out then That name you just heard You didn't hear it It was a big Stop naming

How many times Have we had this conversation Fuck off You're so professional. You could work at 97.8 Cunt FM. What's that Gab Webster bit that always makes me laugh? Fucking listening to the music radio pisses me off. Hi, I'm Dave Scheidt.

I'm on Cunt FM. Join us down at Finnegan's. We're signing Nazi death warrants after the show. Fucking brilliant. Absolutely fucking brilliant. Couldn't give a shit, warrants after the show. Fucking brilliant. Absolutely fucking brilliant. Come give a shit, mate. Play the song. Oh, mate.

I'm on great form. And I need to make a bit of an apology to you and to Carl because I have had some of my vagina tangled up with my knickers recently. But we've had the scan and the baby's great and laura has gone from to me and it's chilled out my whole we had a couple of medical things going on in the build-up to the scan which is always nervy and i realized that i was letting that come out in the form of being a fanny on whatsapp you've been a bit of a fanny, yeah. And it's weird because that's the, like, you'd think watching the pod that Adam's the one that's aggro,

and I'm like, hey guys, hey guys. But there's been like three instances recently where I've been like, come on, guys! For fuck's sake! And I'm just, I just noticed. But I knew what was happening. Yeah. You had no sugar,

and your missus's pregnancy meant, oh. And we were just, I was just like, he's not sleeping enough he's not getting his calories he's not allowed any rolos he's not allowed his kfc rolos i'm getting laid i thought it was awful selfish i thought it was quite awful but i thought oh right he's being a human there right yeah because he's a fucking robot isn't he yeah i'm a robot yeah no emotion you never get any... No anger.

Yeah. No frustration. He's detached. How he wasn't put on Ritalin at school, I have no fucking idea. What's Ritalin? I knew you were going to say that. Don't you know what Ritalin is?

Is Ritalin... Oh, I do know because... It's for kids with ADHD, I think. Yeah. I haven't got ADHD. I didn't have it at school. Oh, you fucking have. No No I might have a little bit now You've got a fun version of it

No I've got a little bit now It's not 28 year old man I'm on ADHD Look at all the colours I don't think I've got ADHD Distracted by his own sleeve Adam we're talking about international politics.

Eh? Fucking mental, that lad. I haven't got ADHD. Eh? What? Mad, innit? You look like a four-year-old, honestly. Looks like a fucking cool four-year-old.

I love that T-shirt. It's a fucking cool T-shirt. Oh, it's a lovely T-shirt, yeah. Yeah? Do you know what it is? You know the fucking Croatian kid who played for Michael Jordan's basketball team? No, he played against them.

No, he didn't. He played for them. No, he never played against them. Yeah, he didn't. No, he played for them. Oh, I thought it was the one when he played against them, when he bullied them.

I know that was the... Okay, good. That was the Pistons one, sorry. Yeah. Well, he played... The team they bought him from. No. The team they bought the Croatian guy from.

This is his team's name. Right, let's get it right. Tony Kukoc. Yeah, that bought the Croatian guy from. This is his team's name. Right, let's get it right. Tony Kukoc. Yeah, that's the one. Yeah? I thought he played against them. No, he signed for... He was one of the later signings for that victorious...

And at first, they bullied him a bit, but then he became an absolute fucking bowler. Yeah. He turned up after the Olympics in 92, where the Dream Team had gone over to just basically flop the dicks around Barcelona that was it and he was like the big star of European basketball uh who was the general manager of the of the Bulls who was hated the little guy who just gives off the worst noncy

vibes ever and they basically were like oh you think he's great you think he's going to replace some of our players do you well let's just embarrass him playing for Croatia but actually he did play really well in like the semis or the final or whatever but he went on to to win I think

three titles with them did well well yeah this is inspired by the team he came from yeah what the Croatian team

I didn't look into I like the t-shirt Belgrade I was buying it anyway and then the guy in size in Liverpool shout out to size in Liverpool by the way they do some fucking great stuff uh he told me

the story behind it and then i wanted it even more they're also shout out to size in liverpool still open because you know they you can click and collect can you yeah oh that's hugely important um what's adhd wise though i haven't That is beautiful The fact that the person Who's being accused of ADHD Is getting his back on track So I think I owe you an apology I'm like Croatia Size

But I don't think I've got ADHD I think sometimes People aren't entertaining enough To keep me interested So I get bored And then I just I turn off That's not ADHD

That's other people Being shit at talking Yeah That's the What's happened there is you've justified your ADHD through arrogance. Yeah,

that is an arrogant defence of ADHD. No, no, no, no, I'm not easily distracted. You're just fucking dull.

As he says, checking Twitter at a gang bang. I'm fucking bored of tits. But I was good in school. Like, I didn't have ADHD in school. I was quite good. I did fucking bored of tits. But I was good in school. I didn't have ADHD in school. I was quite good. I did well at school.

You know what I mean? I think we all had a bit of ADHD at school, didn't we? Because it's pretty boring, isn't it? No, I smashed it at school. What, every day you turned up? Until sixth form. Until bogeys turned up and then,

bonus, sorry. We were like 23 when that happened. Good, and not welcome at the school. Yeah, I did well at school up until A-level and then I sorry we were like 23 when that happened good and not welcome at the school yeah we I did well at school up till A level and then I was working in McDonald's who obviously now

there's a bit of a beef with because of fallout whatever I think they're over it no they're not no they're not I get fucking death threats from them every week

from the general manager from fucking Ronald do you think yeah okay I got sent a fucking clown face in the box is that how it happened

left on my doorstep on the 1st of November Halloween joke you like that go on Tony Tony but yeah

I did well at school but then when I got to sixth form I didn't take it seriously And I was working in McDonald's Off until There was times where I would go to work in McDonald's Meant to do like a four till midnight shift

Someone wouldn't turn up for the overnight shift So I'd stay from midnight till seven in the morning And go straight to sixth form After doing a 16 hour shift And just sleep in psychology class But I wouldn't get an absentee Because then I wouldn't get me EMA I'll give you something, Adam Rowe you are a worker yeah i'll give you that because

yeah you you are a bit of a gig whore and it turns out you're even a gig whore back before you even did gigs yeah who who wants to do a shift after doing a shift before six four it was i i it was the money yeah i'd get like 60 quid for that or something do you know what I mean yeah and I'd be like when you're 16 and you're in a bank

you got the best fucking trabs in card and lean in sixth form you didn't though I didn't you gotta be a worker to do stand up you gotta be a worker

to succeed at anything like they don't tell you that they're like what does it take to succeed just you gotta just do it work hard don't be a cunt I does it take to succeed just you've got to just do it work hard don't be a cunt i mean be smart be talented but it's all directly related to

actually turn up and fucking do it because as we know from stand-up there's loads of talented people you see roll in and roll out and you're like you fucking wandered off you haven't turned up and done the shift there's loads of fine comedians who because they always turned up and done the shift there's loads of fine comedians who because they always turned up and were tenacious about turning up and getting the gigs they've developed i mean the ideal is talent plus the fucking graft yeah but the graft is massively important often as well the most talented and this i don't think this is just in comedy like you see it in football as well like the most talented player isn't necessarily the best player and it's the same with comedians

the most talented comedian isn't necessarily the best comedian because the graph doesn't come with it and because they're the most talented

they're like oh I'm the best so I don't really need to work out like Paul Pogba at Man United could be one of the best players

on the planet at the minute and he wouldn't get in most teams he doesn't get in Man United's team and they're fucking shite you know the high you go up. And he wouldn't get in most teams. He doesn't get in Man United's team. Not reliable.

You know the high you go up in everything, though? When you get into the top tiers. I remember doing that when I first went to Edinburgh with the big value years ago. And you were like, I was used to being one of the best new acts wherever I went. And then you got to Edinburgh and you sort of looked across the line and went,

oh, here, everybody's good yeah and then it really becomes like the pinnacle just starts and by that point you've got a combination of the most talented smartest funniest people who fucking graft like i remember watching john richardson do what he does for the first time and going oh oh there you go and it must it must be like what the the lads at sport in lisbon back in 2002 were like when they were like fuck i've made it into the sport in lisbon youth set up and then cristiano ronaldo at like 15 just went and you're like oh right that's what the very top level looks like we've mentioned tony carroll a few times on this podcast who's friend of mine,

a really good friend of Carl's as well, and former comedian, doesn't do it anymore. Tony never, ever put any effort into comedy. Ever. He was lazy as fuck, didn't want to do gigs, cancelled gigs because he couldn't be arsed going to them, didn't put any effort in.

But natural funny-wise, I don't think I know anyone in the world. I've met the best comedians on the planet who's as naturally funny as him. If Tony decided, I want to be a comedian, I'm going to put as much effort in as I do. Or as fucking... Steve Boucher, if I started with, he works his ass off constantly writing. Steve Boucher comes off stage, gets his notebook out and goes,

right, that went well. He's obsessive. Yeah. If Tony Carroll put that level of effort in, Tony Carroll would have been unstoppable. And he hasn't got it, and he'll never have it either, because it's just not within him.

And you've also got to be able to take the... If you're like, God, you're talking about stand-up again. We're not just talking about stand-up, but stand-up, the bad days in stand-up are so it's more intense because you're having a bad day in front of 150 people but it's everything especially comedy though it's the ability to go right i'm going to work hard at it and i'm talented at it

but we also be able to take the fucking hits yeah because early on in comedy... It's not about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you get hit. You keep moving forward. Rocky. Yeah, Rocky. Nailed it. Was it? I'm so sorry to any stroke survivors that watched that. I felt like it might have... Do that again.

It's not about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit. And keep moving forward. That's how winning's done. I think it's pretty clear that this podcast isn't going to do well post-car crash. Thank you, Tom. Finally, the voice of reason has arrived on this podcast.

You two fucking gobshites looking at me like I'm a fucking idiot, and he's looking at me like, well done, Adam. Really good impression. I think he's sick of the fucking bullshit treatment I get from you two. If you want to keep this job permanently,

keep going with that shit, because he'll love it. Thank you, Tom. Make him an ally. Fucking awful get from you two. If you want to keep this job permanently, keep going with that shit, because he'll love it. Like, thank you, sir. Make him an ally. Fucking awful. There you go. Do better. Go on.

I can't. Scene. No, I'm not saying I can, but that's like me saying, when Ronaldo misses a free kick, it was shite. I can't score it. Well, probably could,

because I'm sick of fucking that, but I can't do it. I just, you can't either. You're sitting there On your fucking high horse That was shite Do you want me to do Rocky Do you want me to do Rocky Yeah

S Hes hes Oh what scene's that I haven't seen that scene The boxing scene Can you do better Even Drago Go on

Do Rocky Do it I'm not pretending to do Rocky Do Rocky Hey hey hey hey hey Just because I can't do it Doesn't mean

That it wasn't shit exactly if we'd have all come to this as like the rocky impression meeting i was like i'm fucking sick at this you'd be like do better but i'm not saying anything but that was rocky john it was a great elton John It was a really good Elton John Have you cried on the desk? You've No it's That cannot be

Covid friendly Your tears It's this I honestly thought You just A bit of condensation I thought you'd wept on the desk. Croatia's good, though, innit?

What? Yeah, that's where the sea shape is. Tony! I do like it. It's size... Honestly, size is open. It's basically, if you're not from the UK, size is like a decent shoe shop sell a few other bits of clobber don't they so they get quite a few like a

hyped stuff like they get like limited edition trainees limited like this t-shirt i don't think it's like widely available it's essential it's the best streetwear store in the northwest until i open listen i know there's a lockdown... We'll start up there as well. These are essential fashion items. Yeah, but that's more of a skate shop, like the street wear as in... Yeah. Shout out Lost Rock.

It's quality that they're doing takeaway. Takeaway fashion. Loads of them. I walked through Liverpool City Centre yesterday morning at like 10 o'clock and it's fucking... I'm telling you this.

In the first lockdown lockdown i never went near the city center no same here we went we went to chester once just for a bit of exercise around the river and we realized we'd walked up through town to get to the car and it was five o'clock on a tuesday and it was like 28 days later there was just no one on one of those non-cpso fake policemen and he was like hello yeah it's. It's different now, isn't it? Yeah, like, it's quite scary,

it's quite like, haunting, to see a city centre, the sun's fucking, in, on its way to being, right in the middle of the sky, and everything's shut,

apart from McDonald's, and Starbucks, like, And is that what's happening now? Yeah. Right. So, I woke up in Liverpool City Centre

on great save when did we go for a bevy? I didn't go for a bevy we did is it essential information? Wednesday night so Thursday morning

and walking through town it's deserted there's just nothing open but like all the shops have got you can order online and click and collect so they've still got a staff member in there but the shutters are down but they've all got signs on the door resurrection i love resurrection they always give me a bit of discount in there the dead sound so check out resurrection it's almost like you know when you go to the garage and there's a guy that won't let you in but he'll serve you

through the window it's almost like the clothes shop when I get to that point like come on mate can I have a hoodie no a blue one no one of the night ones

oh fuck sake yeah there's some fucking trainees no not them trainees oh fuck it yeah do you say trainees yeah just because I'm hanging around trainees Oh fuck it Yeah Do you say trainees yeah

Just because I'm hanging around with you lids Oh Do you say trainees Obviously Yeah Not trainers Trainers What do you say Tom

I say trainers Yeah Welsh Yeah I thought you were talking about people who are training We've got to give him the mic Say hi Tom Say hi Tom Hi Tom

Oh my god Welsh Tom He's a nice lad A lovely sultry voice Woah Oh Say hi, Tom. Say hi, Tom. Hi, Tom. Oh, my God. Welsh Tom. He's a nice lad. A lovely, sultry voice. Whoa! Oh, that's your compliment, isn't it? Industrial Tribunal there. He works for us, mate.

That's disgusting. Yeah, and I would fuck him if he let me. Day one. Disgusting! Well, maybe Tom's in together. Mama like that. Dream sandwich. Well, Tom's nodding.

That's how much he loves this. You can tell the economy's in the bin because Tom's thinking about fucking Adam to get the job. There's not a lot of work in Wales at the moment, but I got an opportunity in Rancorn, and yes, I got sexually abused, but it was worth it. Is that a good accent?

No, it's South Wales. Sorry, mate. I can't do Rexa. It rang true, though, to be honest. I honestly cannot tell the difference between what you've just did and what he's... Are they not the same accent? No, I'm doing fucking Gavin and Stacey, aren't I?

I can't. My banger's not very good. I don't know what I'm doing. Banger, aren't I? I don't know. That is a pretty good banger. Is it? I just do...

North Wales, I always do, for some reason, like, smack heads from North Wales. Like, all right, I got some heroin you want. Why does it sound like he's spent a lot of time in Liverpool? I don't know. Cos smack heads are international, lad. Is this meant to be Welsh? No.

It's gone off the fucking rails, kid. He asked me for change yesterday. All right, I'm actually from Buenos Aires. I can't do it. That's what I'm admitting. What happens to the homeless people now? Just bring it back onto a really sad bit. What happens to homeless people in lockdown?

Well, actually, Rishi Sunak, the Chancellor of the Chequers, announced £50 million of help for the homeless during lockdown too. Has he? Well, yeah, I literally read it yesterday. Oh, sweet. So, but what? So, £50 million? It's about 20 quid each.

Like, here, get some good smack tonight. Yeah, but like, how do they get it? Through bank transfer. What? How are these homeless people going to get access to this 50 million quid? Because normally you have to go through a process and you have to get letters sent and send your ID and that. Where do they get letters sent?

I don't work for the exchequer. Well, stop dropping fucking... Well, I'm not dropping mistruths. I'm not, like, fake newsing. But I've taken us off track here. It's a good question. What do the homeless do? It's probably, like, local shelters and stuff.

Maybe put more volunteers out. Do you reckon you could just make yourself a homeless? You do. You do every morning. You know what I mean? To just turn up and be like, ah. To get some homeless help. Yeah.

Park the Kia around the corner. And give you a skint. People do that, though, don't they? They beg and then they get in the car and fuck off. Yeah. I've seen, genuinely, and I give homeless people money all the time. If I've got a bit of change and they ask, I do give it. But I've seen a van of homeless people pull up.

He's a good guy. I've seen a van of homeless people pull up outside the bombed out church in Liverpool and they all jumped out the van and went off in different directions with their bags and stuff. I used to work in a restaurant. A van of homeless people? Yeah. Were they being dropped off from a shelter or something?

No. It's a job in a big mansion. I used to work on Bald Street. Where's Homeless HQ? Where have they all come from? Just saying it's a job's not good enough. Press that and by the sounds of your fucking accent. I used to work on Bald Street

and there used to be a fella sitting outside an Indian fella and he'd come looking homeless he'd have his sleeping bag blah blah blah he'd sit down

and he'd make more on a Saturday night than I'd make in the week and that's not me going oh he'd make loads of money it's like doing the free fringe and the paid fringe you tell me

he'd make like four ton on a Saturday night because Bald Street's where all the drunk students go and look here's a five or like yeah but he's a headline homeless guy

isn't he you've got to work your way up to that through the ranks mate if you're sat Saturday night on Bald Street you've got to be doing it 10 15 years before you get

that slot he's a pro like yeah yeah yeah gotta start out in the unpaid ranks Tuesday and Whitchurch that's a fucking

lucky to make a tenner. I've always thought, if you're homeless, right... Here we go. Buckle up, everyone. You know, because sometimes I'll go and do a gig in a shit town, like Coventry or something. Coventry's taken multiple hammerings recently. Milton Keynes, then. Milton Keynes.

And you'll see a homeless person. And I'm always like, why are you here? You could be in LA. What? What? He means that as well. That's terrifying. You could go anywhere. You know when people come up and go, excuse me,

making a landless 22p for me bus fare. Imagine if someone came up and went, alright lad, could you land this 22p? I need a flight to LAX. I've got to fucking transfer to JFK. It won't be as expensive as you think, though, because they don't need to come back. It's a one-way ticket.

They haven't got a passport. How mad's that? How do you know? Just because they've lost their house. You can end up homeless and still keep most of your stuff. Some of them will have Xboxes. It's a genuine question. Why would you be homeless

in Milton Keynes? You could at least go to fucking Edinburgh or like London or Brighton. Brighton's lovely. Yeah. To be fair,

being Brighton is... Yeah. You've got mates, haven't you? Being homeless in Brighton must yeah you've got mates haven't you being homeless in Brighton must be slightly easier than being homeless in Aberdeen exactly so why aren't they all there

right do you know what I mean why aren't they well hopefully they'll watch this on their Xbox you know when they're all around the big flat screen TVs outside like the

Debenhams entrance that they all live in in your imaginary fucking world where they're making 400 quid on tax by the way fucking on tax

we used to give him coffees and everything he fucking smashed it he used to sit on his ass have you got an answer for me I need some closure on this

why don't they go to somewhere nice why are they staying in fucking Milton Keynes where would you live Adam if you were homeless in the UK you can't go abroad

why mate because you can't but I've got a passport I've got one I brought it with me today you can't just you know you can't go abroad why mate because you can't I've got a passport I've got one I brought it with me today you can't just you know you can't just move abroad legally very very easily right now you couldn't do it illegally either you're gonna be a fucking refugee yeah right Adam you

earn really good money now and you don't you don't live anywhere else yeah why would you have nothing and then be like because it's time to travel? Because I've got ties. I want to see Malaysia. I've got ties to, you know, I've got shit going on. I've got me family, me friends, me house, you know, this studio, the podcast. Yeah. I can't just fuck off. There's things going on for me. But if you love all of that. Yeah.

Then I'd go to, I don't know. Go on. No, stay in the UK. No, no. I don't want to see where, just let his imagination. Somewhere like either really cool, like LA, New York, or somewhere fucking mad. Do you know what I mean? Siberia.

Yeah. Like Rio de Janeiro or like. I'm thinking about becoming homeless, but I fancy the Maldives. Do you know? But why aren't they there? Because it's not easy. I am 39 and earn well, and I haven't been to the fucking Maldives. 400 quid on a Saturday night?

He's not paying rent, is he? Do you know how long... So he can save it? How long would you last in a favela in Brazil? Homeless. So there's all the Brazilian homeless people there. Yeah. And then you turn up.

Yeah, but I'm... All right, lad. Yeah, but I'm a laugh, aren't I? I can entertain them. Who's drinking? Everyone. Turn up in that T-shirt. Yeah, but I'd go somewhere cool.

Like Dubai, New York, LA. Don't let it in. Hang on, hang on. What do you mean they won't let you in? As far as they can say, I'm going on holiday. I've got a backpack. They don't know it in no hang on hang on what do you mean they won't let you in say i've got a backpack they don't know it's gonna sleep i really wouldn't try and being homeless in dubai just be careful of those places like oh you're homeless you're in the fucking bin yeah they don't entertain anyone you'd be a slave in 10 minutes in dubai maybe yeah dubai's not a great one then. I don't know.

But like somewhere, or somewhere like cool, like the Midwest. I think... I think the thing is about desperation and hitting absolute rock bottom and slipping through the cracks of civilised society is you don't start thinking location, location, location. Do you know what I mean? When you're on the bones of your arse, you maybe got a dependency on pretty debilitating Class A drugs. I I mean When you're on the bones Of your arse You may be like Got a dependency on

Pretty debilitating Class A drugs I don't think you're thinking Fucking hell I've lost Absolutely everything But this view Shit

Yeah You know what I mean But I think I would And I don't know why More of them don't I don't know why The best places in the world

Aren't just overrun With homeless people I think San Francisco Is actually you know Is it I think San Francisco is actually you know is it I think San Francisco has got a major homeless

New York has got one of the worst homeless so maybe they are doing it then communities yeah but they haven't travelled there

they're just from they don't it's not like you know the French exchange when you're at school you don't have like homeless exchange

like send the scouts smack heads to fucking Mozambique and we get one of theirs Steve from Bold Street in Liverpool spent a fortnight in San Francisco. Right?

There aren't many smackheads in Mozambique either, probably. But, like, do you not understand the logic of what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What? I don't think you understand it. Explain it to me why it doesn't happen then. Because none of you have given me an answer yet.

Are you being silly about the international travel thing? You are, yeah. I mean, a lot of homeless people do end up in London. Right.

They are drawn there. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So they are doing it. Yeah. So why are there any anywhere else?

Do you know what I mean? Why aren't they all going to the best place? Brighton. Bournemouth's lovely, especially in the summer. Yeah, because it's like comedy. All the comedians move down to London and then anyone who stays does place. Brighton. Bournemouth's lovely. Especially in the summer. Yeah, because it's like comedy. All the comedians move down to London

and then anyone who stays does well. Fair enough. Do you know what I mean? See, that's a good answer. There's opportunities, isn't there? I'm just calling me a fucking idiot. Bald Street guy. Why would he?

He's making a lot of work locally. I'd go to Lake District. That Bald Street guy is the homeless version of Paul Smith. Why is he going anywhere else? He's fucking raking it in on Bald Street. Why would you go to Lake District? It's lovely, isn't it? Yeah, but there's not as many people there to get money off.

No, but the people who are there are quite affluent and nice. Yeah, but they don't tend to give money to homeless people because they're all fucking Tory tight twats. You don't know them. I do. I love the lakes. Yeah, you love the lakes, you don't love the people. I think we're applying weird logic to where you want to be homeless.

Where's nice? Well, I'd rather be somewhere... I get it, I'd rather be somewhere... I get it. I'd rather be somewhere nice. It needs to be nice and chocker. Right. Do you know what I mean?

Loads of people. Nice views. New York. LA. Tokyo! There aren't any. There aren't any what? Are there really no

homeless people in Tokyo? I say the percentage of homeless people in Japan is probably next to zero well then even better so I'll be the only one there I'll be fucking minted I reckon I saw maybe 3 homeless people

in the entire time I was in Japan and it wasn't in Tokyo do they have a drug problem in Tokyo? by the way if you've just picked up the podcast it's been a weird 6 minutes but Carl our producer lived in Tokyo for a year no not tokyo is it nagoya nagoya yeah um place not um no they don't it's alcohol because alcohol is dead cheap

and the business and like the the way community ethic is you work all day 12 13 14 hours like us you get fucked in the night and you do it again. Because if you don't get fucked up on beer and stuff, you realise your life's fucking empty. It's officially the most unhappy country in the world. Is it? Japan, yeah. Highest suicide rate, highest rates of clinical depression.

Yeah, but how much would you smash it if you were the only homeless person? Yeah. Adam Rowe turns up. He'd be a fucking celebrity. Yeah. Just sleeping rough around Nagoya. Yeah. Tokyo.

They don't... Genius, mate. It'd be like the fucking video for... Remember the script song, The Man Who Can't Be Moved? And they're just like, who's this handsome guy on the corner? Me. Yeah. I don't think that'd happen. They wouldn't allow it.

They just don't allow homelessness or they just give them a house no they'd probably just disappear what they kill them I'm not going to say that but I'm saying but you are insinuating it

no I'm not homelessness doesn't exist homeless people definitely do exist yeah I don't know where they are but because the Olympics is going there there's definitely none

except I'm in London they all just conveniently disappeared didn't But because the Olympics are going there, there's definitely none. Except I'm in London, they all just conveniently disappeared, didn't they, for a year. Yeah, there was no... Where are they? No homelessness in Russia when the World Cup was on.

There was no, like, thugs, like football hooligans. And they're not giving them houses. We'll make sure they go away for a little bit. Hey, listen, shout out Japan. I am not saying that, but I'm just saying.

I don't know where they go. I reckon we've uncovered a fucking mad conspiracy here. It's like the chickens, innit? Yeah. You've seen... Chickens. Comedian Tez, he did a bit in his Edinburgh show one year about where are all the chickens.

What? Where are all the chickens? What do you mean? It's true. How many chickens do you reckon KFC go through every day? Oh, you mean where are all the battery what do you mean it's like how many chickens do you reckon KFC go through every day oh you mean where are all the

battery farms yeah like where are like there's millions of chickens yeah being eaten

every single day well isn't it 300 million a month in KFC and Nando's alone exactly 300 million chickens a month

are getting scrammed in the UK yeah and that doesn't include chicken cottage or nabsies or, you know, crunchy fries, all them places, or, you know, roast dinners as their tests go. That's a good island, aren't it? There's billions of chickens going missing, and no one knows where they are.

Well, they're not going missing. They know where they end up, don't they? In your fucking tum-tum. No, but I mean, they're missing. Like, where are they right now do you know what I mean Adam so okay

I see what you're saying like it doesn't make sense have you ever seen a chicken like I don't reckon they're real you know do you know that KFC

don't like have fucking chicken hunters that would be an amazing advert for KFC. Come to KFC to eat chicken. Here's an advert showing our chicken hunters. 6am on the hills of Roncorn. The chicken hunters for KFC. I see you on.

We'll have a Zinger Tower burger tonight. They're battery farms farms aren't they they're in the countryside they're fucking huge and massively depressing they're Auschwitz for poultry basically right

but how many are they and where are they all because we're talking billions just because you don't know where a poultry farm is doesn't mean they don't exist like your your fucking record

have you seen a chicken there's no chickens walking around wild I see cows in the fields. I see fucking sheep in the fields. Makes sense. I drive through fucking non-sea countryside.

Cows, sheep, where are the fucking chickens? Doesn't make sense. It's the fucking Illuminati. They're running fucking KFC. We had so much chicken on Wednesday. It was obscene.

Oh, shout out, let's give them a shout out. Slim's. There's a restaurant in Liverpool.. It was obscene. Oh, shout out. Let's give them a shout out. Slims. There's a restaurant in Liverpool. When it opens back up, go check them out. They're called Slims

on a Wednesday. They do wing Wednesday. Do you like chicken wings? Yeah. Unlimited chicken wings. A beer and chips. Ten at each. Essential.

Open. Yeah. Thank the fuck for that. So I think we've left in this section more questions than we have answers on where do homeless people go and where should they go

and where do chickens come from? But it's been a mental journey and apparently he doesn't have ADD. laughter laughter laughter Today's podcast is sponsored by SupremeCBD.UK Go and check them out. They're one of the biggest

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cbd.uk use the promo code word and you will get 30 off everything they'll give us a little cut it helps support the podcast and you get yourself 30 so remember use the promo code word at supremecbd.uk fuck i cannot say that company name one more time supremecbd.uk don't be a tory down your table shandy and tell a friend. This is Have A Word. Well, question. Question. Question. Question.

Tell me what you think about me. Islands. Got some questions. Thanks, Carl. If you all have such success that your household names so you're celebrities and you have the chance to have a cameo in any TV show

or film what would you choose Stephen Fry was recently on the Simpsons but my personal choice would be Family Guy because I think it's fucking hilarious cheers Dan Johnson so you're you're fucking you're a mega star and you get to cameo on like when brad pitt was on friends and shit like that yeah was it one that's being made now because when you say films you're like

tricky with film so you've got to really say tv shows because you can't cameo on a film that's already been made it's being remade or couldn't for the purposes of the purpose for this you can't cameo on a film that's already been made. Unless it's been remade or for the purposes of fantasy. For the purposes of this, you can go back and you can put yourself in it. I think that's massively arrogant to go, I tell you that film that I really love, you know like Once Upon a Time in Hollywood? Fuck Leo. I think I could play Rick Dalton.

It's a cameo. It's not fucking, you're not Denzel. The other guy in the background. It's weird though with Game of Thrones, isn't it? Because Game of Thrones having an English cast, Game of Thrones is one of the biggest TV productions of the last 10 years and I met a bloke that was fucking in it. He does comedy.

You know the guy with Tourette's? What's he called? Has he got Tourette's? Yeah. He was one of the Night's Watch, wasn't he? It's Ben, isn't it? Yeah. But it's the Night's Watch wasn't he it's Ben isn't it yeah Ben

but it's the weirdest thing because I was yes lovely guy and he did comedy for a bit and I think he's still doing it but he's an actor as well

and just to be in the frog and bucket and look over and be like because the frog is like same with hot water it's that place that you're there

all the time you're used to the usual faces and then you're like there's that guy from the night's watch in Game of Thrones just having a pint what's his name lad

I want to get his name right he at one point was their longest serving character I've never watched Game of Thrones just never got into

it I really enjoy it but I know that people just get fucking marked like main characters just they're dead so I was move on

at one point he was the longest saving benjamin crompton yeah ben crompton his character grew and grew it's quite a small part but by but towards the last few series he was i think he was even like oh yeah yeah yeah yeah he was like one of the fucking main heads in the night's watch yeah you didn't watch it did you No he was one of the Longest living character Yeah He ended up like The captain of the Night's

Hey spoilers I haven't fucking seen it I'll spoil it for you What TV show Just make him stop doing that What TV show Can I go back Pick one Be friends for me I know you're going to say that Don't be so boring What be friends What TV show? Can I go back?

Pick one. Be Friends for me. I knew you were going to say that. Don't be so boring. What character would they have a 28-year-old Scouts lad on Friends with? I can do an accent. Right. Hey, I'm walking here.

Yeah? Okay. Yeah. Get out of my way, I want a coffee! Whoa. A coffee. Amazing. Is he doing his Rocky impression again? Can you just come up with a character?

What, in Friends, so you've got the six of them, where do you think your character would drop in? So, I reckon I'd date Rachel. I knew you were going to say that. Right, yeah, yeah. Piss Ross off. But Chandler, I'd make like a joke and Chandler would be like

he's alright him me and Chandler and Joey become best mates and we slowly edge Ross out and by series 10 Rachel gets off the plane for me alright

not much quite a big cameo there hasn't it you've completely changed the fucking narrative of one of the biggest hit TV shows why don't you play a 28 year old Scouse homeless guy in New York of one of the biggest hit TV shows. Why don't you play a 28 year old Scouse

homeless guy in New York? In one of the scenes like, alright lad, I've fucking travelled here mate. I'm an international

fucking homeless. Yeah. Check out the Xbox. Could do two pints as well. Two pints of lager and a pack

of crisps. Now that's a little bit more believable. Yeah. I think that's your level. Yeah. I reckon I could be like Johnny's

brother or something you know Ralph Little's character I'd be an Harry Potter I'd be a

death eater yeah he'd be an Harry Potter just fucking marking English tests if you got

shrunk down by CGI you've got quite a pointy face you'd make a fucking brilliant goblin

at Gringotts would you a scouse goblin we've come to see Mr. Potter's safe and you'd make a fucking brilliant goblin at Gringotts. Would you? A Scouse goblin. We've come to see Mr. Potter's safe, and you'd be like, alright lad, have you got the fucking key? And you'd have those long prosthetic fingers like, have you got the fucking key, lad?

Sosvaldemort. Because you're bald. Cool, mate. I'll tell you what I watched recently oh no The Good Wife The Good Wife I'd be a lawyer

in one episode on A Good Wife in all How To Get Away With Murder I fucking love How To Get Away With Murder like I want to be a lawyer can Dan answer the question

nah don't worry about me no I worry about you Dan come on erm I I just I've had a really non erm I I just thought I had a really

noncy one I just watched I've watched Get Shorty recently the TV series was it who's your man from the IT crowd that was in Bridesmaids

Richard Ayoade Richard Ayoade no oh no the Irish one yeah Chris O'Dowd yes short on he's like the lead role

in the TV series remake of the film Get Shorty that John I haven't seen the film John Travolta was in well I've not seen the film it's a completely it's a tv series remake of the film get shorted that john's in the film john travolta was it well i've not seen the film it's a completely re it's a reimagining of the storyline and it's fucking amazing it's got that vibe of breaking bad except it's funny so it's it's about mobsters that get into the tv uh the film production business that sounds sick it honestly

it's a real blind side i didn't hear it talked about. It got made about four years ago. There's three series. Get Shorty with Chris O'Dowd. That is, it's cool as well. Like, there's a bit of menace to it. Like, they're hitmen. They're murderers.

And then within, like, the first three episodes, they're involved in, like, Hollywood, and they're trying to basically money launder via Hollywood film production. I can see you running the car wash that they launder their money through.

Yeah. Yeah. Can I do it? Can I be an ethnic minority? Yeah. I'd be amazing. The famous immigrant

workforce. Ethnic minority. Norwegian. Norwegian. Norway. What? What? What country is it in?

America. Yeah. So I reckon there What country is it in? America. Yeah. So I reckon there's less Norwegians than anything else. They're not an ethnic minority. You fucking idiot. I don't like to. Some of the misinformation. It's like a fucking Trump tweet.

Hey, oh, lads. Topical. Next question. Next question. What you got? What you got? What I got? What you got? you got what I got what you got ask me anything

he takes it seriously doesn't he I love it alright what's this finger thing I sometimes just make me hand walk across tables let's make it a bit

funny alright Denzel Abraham what a noncy way to start let's make it a bit Funny Alright Denzel Abraham What a noncy way to start Let's make it a bit funny Would you rather Would you rather Have baby butt smooth balls Yeah

And a hairy cock Yeah Or shiny shiny butt cheeks And a hairy cock. Yeah. Or shiny, shiny butt cheeks and a hairy arsehole. Shiny, shiny butt cheeks and a hairy arsehole. Oh, so it's basically a reverse pubes.

Yeah. But which would you rather take? So people like your arseholes like hairy or your shaft is? It's easier to have a hairy arsehole

than a hairy dick. You'd be a nightmare wouldn't you? How? Well, I... I mean mean it's both a fucking nightmare in it in terms of just cleanliness yeah but i'd rather have a hairy arsehole than a hairy dick like your dick being sweaty no woman's ever gonna want to go near a fucking ferret yeah it would it would look so weird wouldn't? Yeah. Basically, you'd have two balls hanging off a fucking hedgehog.

Yeah. It would just look like a hairy tuft. Yeah, not into that. I've already got a bit of a hairy arsehole. I do trim it every now and then. You haven't got a hairy arsehole. What do you mean? You've got a hairy bum.

Yeah, the crack. Yes, but where does the hair start? In your arsehole? I haven't squatted over the minister check, but I don't know. Do you not get start in your arsehole i haven't squatted over in a minute but i don't know do you not get hairs in your arsehole i think you get hairs on your bum i heard that watch words leave you no more yeah i go uh i think i'm gonna i'm just gonna take the

yeah i mean laura will not touch my knob at the moment anyway so it's not gonna help if it looks Yeah, I go... I think I'm just going to take the... Yeah. I mean, Laura will not touch my knob at the moment anyway, so it's not going to help if it looks like Uncle fucking... Why won't she touch your knob? Is it Uncle... Who is it? It's It, isn't it? Yeah.

Well, because she's pregnant and she wants nothing to do with me, which I respect because she is pregnant. So I'll shut the fuck up. I even... You know, when I just said that, I wish I could put that back on as well. God, she won't touch it. Lazy.

Is she being a bit of a fucking knob? No, I don't. She's not. Do you want me to die today? This is a public episode, Adam. Y'all got to be careful now. She'll be in a gob shave. Oh, my God.

She's pissing you off. Oh, no. Tell her, isn't it? No, it's totally understandable. I'm just saying, my knob being more hairy is not going to help. I think if Laura's being a pain in the ass,

we should tell everyone her phone number and tell them to text her and say, you need to suck that off good god let it phone bing bing bing suck his dick suck his dick touch his balls lick his asshole just woo and maybe you'll get in and she'll be like i've had 3 000 messages and do you know what they're right she won't even give me a back scratch so i don't think online abuse is really going to get my nuts sucked Do you want one more?

Yes please Just to stop talking about this For such obvious reasons It's another would you rather Shut up Upset her Nasty My man lives in China

Have we got a little Is he Chinese? No his name's Callum Chinese Callum Shout his name's Callum. Chinese Callum. Shout out to Shanghai Callum. Got a would you rather. Would you rather live somewhere with boss weather,

sun every day, but you've got to wear proper thick clothes. Yeah. Or live somewhere Baltic like Iceland, but you can only wear shorts and a T-shirt. Love the pod, keep it up. Shorts and a T-shirt in Iceland. Really? Yeah. you'd rather be too cold than too hot 100 yeah defo i've mentioned this before i sleep with the fucking window open when it's snowing do you know what i mean i have my legs out

every day of the year i'm a shorts guy yeah when gigs came back after that lockdown in the summer and gigs finally came back for the first few gigs the weather was really nice i gigged in shorts because i was i really resented putting fucking trousers and jeans on i was like oh god just really constricting i i do not get cold on my legs but i always have a little snoot i get cold up top yeah i do. Do you know, like, when I used to have my dog, like, last winter, I would walk Minnie, the dog, at midnight with a fucking skiing coat on. Like, I've got a massive, thick North Face coat.

And I would walk her with that on and shorts and flip-flops. And I'd feel lovely. So I was warm up here and my legs are cool. How do I look like a cocaine dealer who's dipping into the fucking product? Like, don't give a shit, man. Walk in the fucking dark. Don't feel nothing.

Yeah. Yeah, what is that? Is that just because your torso, your torso's, like, have you got trapped in the, have you got trapped in the Andes? Not the Serengeti. It's your white logins, isn't it?

The body's amazing, isn't it? Because it goes, listen, the head, the body, these things have got to stay. It basically starts making critical decisions about who lives and who dies on your body pretty quickly. And the fingers are the first to fucking go. Your hands. Yeah.

Don't need to point. Shut them down. When does your dick go? Pretty soon, actually, isn point shut them down when does your dick go pretty soon actually innit as soon as your dick's cold it fucks off inside itself doesn't it

you end up with another belly button yeah have you got any any order out of you Dan what dick yeah middle of winter

do you know how footy dick is remember game of five aside and your dick just goes to a new size and shape after the game of footy in the cold

footy dick looks like a newt it's embarrassing speak for yourself I just call that dick I know you get it because you've referenced it before

in fact I'm pretty sure you come up with the term footy dick yeah so yeah but I mean you did

yeah it is funny isn't it how the body does certain things and when you're doing physical activity and your adrenaline's up and you're

like there's no Premier League footballer in history has scored a goal and the body's got so excited he's turned around oh my god Gerrard

and he's turned around with a fucking rod on right in the middle of his little red shorts. I got told the other day by Danny McLaughlin that Dwight York had a custom made pocket

inside his shorts for his dick because it was that big. I got told they like, they'd sewn in a pocket to like the leg of his shorts. You had to lend mine. What?

True. You had to lend mine. All right, cool. Cool, bitch. Genuinely. Like they had a little a little thing and he'd slide his dick in there so it'd stay there

for the whole game so he had a dick pocket yeah in his Man United shorts yeah and you went yeah that sounds believable Danny told me

Danny oh Danny's never bullshitted anyone has he Danny's always talking to Dwight York have you never watched Danny McLaughlin's

comedy that is 70% just made up? I fucking love it. Like, as if you're like, but Danny told me. Why would Danny ever lie? Yeah, but you've never seen anyone get an erection, but it also does work the other way that

it's fight or flight, isn't it, for your dick? You're playing Premier League football. Or on the battlefield, like back in the day, when the adrenaline fucking kicks in. Would you rather lose your dick? When the adrenaline fucking kicks in. Would you rather lose your dick or one of your limbs? Oh.

That's a fucking hell of a question. Where's that come from? Mate. Just off the top of my fucking head. Which one do you want? Take any of these limbs. I'll be all right. Your right leg.

I'll take what? My right leg? Yeah. You can fucking have it. And I'll be right there next to Adam Hills and Josh Widdicombe as the new member of The Last Leg. Hey, lads. Why did you lose that in a pretty brutal would-you-rather?

But they're not having my dick. Really? Of course, mate. You lose your dick, you're out of the game. Out of what game? The shagging game. 40? The touching game

yeah but you've already got two kids do you really need your dick as much as you need your leg now imagine how hard it would have been

for you to get here today with no dick now imagine how much harder it would have been with one leg yeah you can't change gears with one leg

do you get a do you get a blue hang on do you get a blue badge for not having a dick defo is that a disability being a woman no no i mean if you actually lose your dick in a that was fire

it's almost like we're all thinking of ways to piss my wife off he's nervous arms are sweaty knees weak arms are heavy you know in the Patreon episodes I'm like great banter guys knowing this is a

public I'm like it's me on the wife's knee seriously though if you lost your dick in a like an industrial aid accident

you haven't got the ability to cum anymore or have an erection so that is a disability what hang on just because you're not able to do something to cum anymore or have an erection so that is a disability. What? Hang on.

Just because you're not able to do something doesn't mean you're disabled. It does. If you can't concentrate I don't have the ability to follow this conversation. I'm disabled.

It is a disability. ADHD is a disability. It's not blue badge though, is it? No, because it doesn't affect your parking. Also, you'd not be able to fill in the fucking form either means you lose a dick or a limb what they call them if i could just if i could pick the limb yeah yeah yeah you can use my left arm then yeah but i want both my legs and i want me right why Why? Because I need them. For what? Everything. What?

Okay. Also, when I popped my shoulder out, and I had, like, the first time, I had, like, two weeks where I only had one arm. It's really, like, it's hard to get a shower with only one arm. Yeah, it's hard to get a girlfriend with no dick. Yeah, I'd lose my left arm. Just rubbing your...

Then again, this is my bad arm now. God, he's taking this one seriously. I like it. I'd lose one of my arms But I'd have to think about which one Yeah but I need my legs man Do you need your dick? Yeah I think it's crucial

When you've got four of anything And you've got one of another thing Just really consider what we're doing there You haven't got four of everything You've got two of them They are different if you've lost a limb we're not trying to take it lightly

Christ but they've got amazing prosthetics and you get a bit of fucking help from Rishi Sunak you know what I mean but if I was losing one of me legs or me dick I think I'm losing me dick you're not

I love foot think I'm losing my dick you know you're not I am no you're not I am I love footy I'm serious I love footy too much I'm walking I do it all the time you love

footy so much that you're willing to not have kids no you can adopt no I make sure I have the kids before I do

would you rather kick them oh right there's a technical you can adopt as well or kidnap could you imagine could you imagine knocking on knocking on I mean, you should have the kids before. Would you rather kick them? Oh, right. There's a technicality in it. You can adopt as well. Or kidnap. Could you imagine? Could you imagine knocking on... You see a really cute one and you're like...

Yeah. Yeah. You're going to be a great parent one day. I don't know whose kids you're going to be a parent to, but you're going to be a great dad. I've said before before if you could pick you get a chinese baby wouldn't you like if you could pick yeah they are the cutest babies

like asian babies like oriental babies are the cutest babies oriental is that not Is that not okay anymore? No. Really? Is that not like the word to differentiate South Asians and East Asians? East Asians, that's what it should have said, isn't it? There you go. Or just their nationality. No, but you know what I mean. I don't. You do?

Yes, you do. I have no clue what you're on about. Do you want me to release our WhatsApp conversations? Do you want me to? Don't fucking throw me under the bus, cunt. You know what I meant. You do? Yes, you do. Do you want me to release our WhatsApp conversations? Do you want me to? Don't fucking throw me under the bus, cunt. You know what I meant. You all know what I meant. Yeah, I know.

I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But I don't think Orientals, I don't think it's current parlance, is it? I don't know. I honestly didn't know. Yeah. Well, we're learning.

We're telling you. Yeah. But yeah. Anyway, back to the darkies. Go on. But if you could choose, yeah. Do you know why you think they're cute? It's jokes.

Why? Because Asian people don't use prams because of the dense population. So all Asian babies walk from early ages, so they look dead cute like toddling. Yeah. Whereas English kids are all little pricks in the prams. But it causes them to have really bad limbs

when they get older. That's why you always see little Asian ladies limbs when they get older that's why you always see little Asian ladies struggling when they get older because they've been walking for fucking 80 years

Susie Gimsbach there's been some incredible information made up and passed on today that's true that sounded mental

there's no yeah yeah there's no space in Asia so they have a baby two months later they're like come on

come on little Jackie get fucking walking you're doing karate by four months do you know if you take Etta to like Asda yeah

do you put her in a pram no she's not been in a pram for ages when she was of pram age yeah when she couldn't walk yeah do you know she didn't go in a pram just yeah when she couldn't walk yeah I was going to say

do you know she didn't go in a pram just because we've got loads of space in the UK no she's like daddy daddy I want to walk I was like fuck off love

we live in the suburbs it's spacious you can get a pram on a train here can't you you can't in Japan right so what happens what do you mean with babies that can't walk

when they're not able to walk the man usually has what is it a poose a poose that can't walk. So when they're not able to walk, the man usually has a... What is it? A poose. A poose. They all wear them, and then when they can walk,

they walk. Yeah. I mean, it's not massively dissimilar, but I know what you mean. Yeah, yeah. Some kids don't want to be in a pram as soon as they can walk. They're fucking toddling

and making themselves 90% more dangerous. That's what my daughter looked like. I regret the joke about the old... I dropped the D-bomb and I wish I could have put that one back in. I was just trying to be funny and now I regret it.

Oh well, now we're both fucked. At least we're both fucked. I was just trying to be funny and I regret it. Well. I'm going to go for cheese and ham toastie. I want a little nibble. Let's go, babe. We're going to have a nibble.

Back in a minute. Today's guest is the wonderful Lauren Patterson. It's going to be a belter. Stay tuned. And first, a word from our sponsor. She's been walking since she's seven. From Texas to Skim, everybody is listening to the funniest podcast in the game.

It has to be Have A Word. Welcome back. We are back here, 97.4 TWAT FM. It's TWAT FM. We've got Lord and Patterson in the building. How are you? Socially distanced, obviously. Hello. Socially distanced, of course? We've got Lauren Patterson in the building. How are you? Socially distanced, obviously. Hello.

Socially distanced, of course. We've measured it. We've covered compliant. And it's exactly 12 metres. Measured it with Adam's dick. Yeah. It took three weeks. He's unfurling.

He's unfurling. Good, Jane. Little trundle wheels at school where it just clicks every... What half a click in first day I was in self isolation and we're in lockdown so were you isolating because you had it or because you knew someone who had it

I knew someone who had it I got tracked and traced how did you get tracked and traced because my sister and she gave me my fucking phone number you didn't get tracked in trace you got fucking dobbed in have you had a test no i haven't been off work for two weeks so you just no symptoms oh sweet yeah i have you been like you know when you've been to restaurants tonight

have you been like signing in the weirdest thing happened to me went to the morrison's cafe with my daughter and you were served by me can you yeah can you in chester and she was like can you fill in the form please and it all it was all it wasn't classic morrison's in it we got a pen and a paper pass it round touch the pen right you track and trace god forbid we get covid and i i'm sort of used to just being a bit of a knob with the track and trace because in my head, I don't want to be tracked or traced and then told I can't work. It's all for fuck all now anyway because of the lockdown. So I took the pen, and then I went, I'm not signing my name here.

And it was the most amazing, like, randomizer from my past. I wrote Dave Ingram. Dave Ingram is a guy I started comedy with in 2003 2004 he quit stand-up about three years later four years later haven't seen him for 10 years and for some reason went yep that's the name and it just came out of nowhere i didn't put his fucking full address down that'd be a bit of a cunt move i haven't seen you for 10 years enjoy your two weeks off i mean if you knew his full address at this point that'd be a bit fucking weird but it was the weirdest thing so i have been oh shit is this public oh yeah it is isn't it i've been doing my best to help curb this virus i haven't

apart from in morrison's everywhere i go i put it i just make sure i write 11 numbers down and it starts with 07 right did you just start doing a little randomiser 07 325 417 837 should we try and ring that number now you're on 97.4 you've just been fucking isolated I get it like if Carl got a

positive test or you did or me dad or if Lauren got one tomorrow now that she's been in I'd be like do you know what i'll either get a test or i'll isolate or whatever but if i'm in a weather spoons and someone in the on the other side of the room who have been nowhere near get a cold i i'm just not i'm not staying in for two weeks because from barry on the other side of the room's got covers i'm just not doing it now that's that's what all comedians fear isn't it

we've not worked much this year and then all of a sudden someone's telling me if someone sneezes loudly in a fucking co-op and you were there but you're out like no I'm not doing it

yeah well that's the thing I was booting off because I was meant to be at Frog and Bucket this weekend in Manchester so I was kicking off and I was like

she owes us a week's holiday pay and she owes us two gigs and then I found out we're going into lockdown and I can't do them anyway and I was like she owes us a week's holiday pay and she owes us two gigs and then I found out we're going into lockdown and I can't do them anyway and I was like alright fair play maybe I overreacted we thought you weren't going to make it today I know I think you might be the first guest

to get here definitely from the distance you've done but on a train as well what an absolute fucking champ what a treat to be on a train though because it's now like literally illegal for people to sit next to you. Oh yeah. How nice. I've got no fear

because if someone tries to come sit next to us now it's attempted murder. Piss off. Isn't it? I love it how you jumped up. Isn't it funny how people use COVID rules like honestly I can't believe my sister dobbed me in.

Fuck her. I've lost two gigs but when it suits me trying to stab me with your covid eyes i love it good on you did me do you use it do you reckon if you had co if i had covid i mean you were having an argument and i coughed in your face it's illegal is it attempted murder though no no i think you might get I think you get What do you get?

Is it assault now? Is it classed as assault? If you died It'd be like secondary manslaughter It happened with some Some woman caught AIDS Off her boyfriend Okay

Her boyfriend was cheating with men He got AIDS Gave it to her She found out And to get back at men Slept with like ten men Right Gave them all AIDS

And she got done for Or to get back at men Can you with like 10 men and gave them all AIDS and she got done for. Or to get back at men. Can you tell that story again? Some lady got AIDS. She got back at men by spreading AIDS. Yeah, like fuck men. Men have ruined me life. My husband

cheated on me wherever he was so she slept with men knowing she had AIDS and didn't tell them. And what's your perspective on that? Lauren, that's why we've got you in. Defend your sex. Thanks for getting that in, Carl. It was a bit crowbarred, but you did well. So, Lauren.

Feminism does miss the mark sometimes, doesn't it? These fucking feminists. We need to... Look, they stopped us voting for years and they're really, really bad people. Let's give them all AIDS. It's a hell of a comeback, isn't it? Also, since I've met my wife, I've realised that women...

This is stupid because you should know this anyway, but the relationship women have with people sitting next to them on trains is different. For me, it's just like, I just want to put my fucking, you know, my phone there and just spread out a little bit. And Laura, when I met her, was like, yeah, I don't really like trains.

She was like, I was like, why? Just because you like the space? She was like, no, because I just think I might fall asleep and someone will put the balls in my mouth. I was like, okay. What fucking trains? That's a northern real life. That was in her head,

why she didn't want anyone sitting next to her. Why I can't sleep on trains because I might get teabagged in my fucking sleep did she actually say that she had this weird fear of being on her own on a train on a long journey

when we met I did Edinburgh that year and I was like you could just get the train up she went oh five hours I fall asleep and someone will teabag me

and then I I laughed and she was like no it's serious it does happen I'm like not often though have you had any weirdness on a train

no I don't think so you just don't want you just don't want people saying tea bagged on a train caveat against your will

I've been single for a long time now tickets i've been single for a long time now tickets i think because i'm small though i don't take up much space so people then think my space is by default their space so i end up sometimes like literally like a little t-rex in the corner and i'm not a fan of that right well you'll sit on the window seat and you'll get a man spreading twat who just comes it's not even men sometimes it's women with all their shopping and i'm like all right i get it

you've been to boots calm down like someone had some points harrowed there i just remember in all the train journeys when you're just like you sit in and you're like oh it's quiet and then you just get one stop down the line and a fucking family of fuckwits turn up and just surround there yeah there's a space next to me kids they are you darren you sit there and you're like i don't want to sit next to darren one of my favorite things that ever happened on a train and i never spoke about this on stage and because when i started stand up 90 of my stories were like bus stories like I was on a bus and I heard these two girls talking. Well, can I just stop you? One of my favourite bits when you started out in stand-up,

you were like, I love, you got into a joke by going, it's brilliant being a comedian, you get to travel everywhere. So I was doing this gig in town and it always made me fucking laugh. Like, oh yeah, I just love, you get to gig everywhere, all around the country. So I was on the bus going into town. Beautifully done. Yeah, I'm an international comedian anyway.

I was on the 193. I had so many of them and it become a thing. Like, if I posted to Facebook, all the fucking, the Scouse comedians started the big banter off. It would always, and I was just like, I'm going to stop doing that. So this was only a few years ago, maybe like three or four. I was on a train and there was just like I'm going to stop doing that so this was only a few years ago maybe like three or four I was on a train and there was

this old couple like they she must have been in her 70s and he was at least they looked like the late 60s early 70s

and they sat there and this woman got on and she had three kids with her and she booked the table that they were sat on for her and her three kids single mum and she booked the table that they were sat on for her and her three kids single mom struggling like fuck loads of bags and stuff and she went i'm really sorry this is our table and he go well i i'm afraid there's no other seats for me and my

wife so uh we're going to stay here but thank you and he just looked and she went wow i've booked it i've booked the seat and i was about to go, you've got to fucking move. She's booked the thing. And a fella got up, picked them up, sat them down on the other seat that was empty and went, tell your wife to go and sit over there, you fucking horrible cunt. Some scouts like,

this was on a train from Liverpool. You know those horrible long trains from Liverpool, the London Midland one? So not the Virgin one, like the five hour stops. Yeah, you get it for £7.50 the day before I've done that before and been like

this is cheap there must be a catch and then I get on it and I'm like oh there is a catch I've travelled back in time it stops in Leighton Buzzard

which definitely doesn't exist the next stop is Leighton Buzzard the next stop after that is 1989 oh it's awful he picked this old man up

and shoved him down and said tell your wife to go and sit over there she's booked it oh god I thought you meant he picked the couple up how big is this fucking guy

alright you two fuck off I'd love to have that deserves a clap obviously what I would have done is just sit there go do nothing

because I'm an absolute fucking wuss see this amazing hero work there's people listening to this though who are proper nonce like well what so he assaulted an old man oh yeah very very brave very brave assaulting an old man it's yeah i know i know you mean but i'm on do you really think i'm not i'm i'm totally

on his side yeah i know you are all right all right no i wasn't gonna go at you i thought you were gonna hold hands there across the table that was we are we hardly ever touch on theme park every now and then we our fingers touching you know like you know like in a movie uh-huh when um like the couple their hands touch for the first time and it's like oh it's the moment it's the exact opposite of that like the exact opposite though it's repulsive and i sort of regret being his business partner for like three seconds how long did you hold my hand for I honestly don't think I had to do it for more than two seconds. Proper like, proper intertwined. I'm getting anxiety in me hands.

Proper intertwined. Just let's see it. Let's just see if we can do it. I can't. Lauren, how long do you think? You've got so tense. Come here, come here. Go on.

Like we're a couple, proper straight. Come on. You can. How homophobic are you? Hold the man's hand, Adam. I'd honestly rather hold a gay man's dick. It's not homophobia. I'd rather suck a man off.

It feels creepy. Right, Cole, bring him in. Ready? Tom? It was horrible. Really? Oh, lad, it's not men. It's him.

I don't know what it is. It just feels weird. There's just something. You mentioned Morrisons when I mentioned Morrisons. In the lockdown, when it first happened, there was a few comics that went, right, fuck this, I'm doing something. And then we absolutely started hammering the podcast

to the point where we all had a little breakdown on Zoom. Other comics just went, I'm going into hibernation. And then Shanna's work for Sainsbury's, delivering. And Jamie Sutherland's delivering for Tesco. And you, because you were quite, you almost documented it, didn't you? On social media and everything. You got a job at Morrison's.

I was to chat about it. So what happened? Did you just go, fuck it, I'm doing it? Or was it through necessity? Well, we had all pandemic hits and then i got dumped and i was like this is a true shit storm of a year i got dumped on april fool's day right over the phone and i didn't believe i was being dumped and they used did you meet um you've definitely met i met him yeah i think you both met so

obviously we like we obviously got on dead well we were a fucking couple and we had the same kind of sense of humor so when the phone rang on april fools day there was a brief moment where i thought i was going to be proposed to which is so tragic now you think about it i was like oh my god because i'd always said if he proposed to his i wanted it to be something to do with comedy. So either proposing at a gig or like at a festival. And I was like, oh my God, April Fool's Day, what a day to propose to a comedian.

And he gives us this really like big, big, far too detailed speech about how he didn't love us anymore. And I was like, he is really committed to this April Fool's. I almost believe that he doesn't like us anymore and i let him get right to the end of it and i went it's after 12 mate you're the fool and he was like what are you on about it's after 12 i went i don't believe you and he was like no lauren i'm being serious and i was like i don't buy it and he was like and then by April 6th, you were like, he's really committing to this bit. And then I was like,

Oh, I genuinely thought you'll sleep on it. You'll sleep on it. And it'll be, you'll realize he's prank backfire. And then he was like, so how are you going to get your stuff back from London? And I was like,

good question. Very good question. I thought, you know what? I'm going to be miserable if I don't get a job. So I went and got a job at Morrison's and turns out still miserable. Okay. Let's just, I it that hot i've got i'm so heartbroken to morrison there's so many things there's so there's just there's so many things uh-huh so did you live with him in london yeah for two years right uh-huh so right so did he was it

yours and his or was it his and you lived there? We both rented together. Right. Oh, yeah. Well, he still had the fucking audacity to be like, how are you going to get your stuff out of my house? Because I'd moved out before the pandemic. He'd gone back to his mom's, and I'd gone back to Newcastle.

So I'd sent all my stuff to his mom's house, thinking I was coming back to London in a couple of months' time. But obviously, like, no removals could happen. So I was doing Richard Herron's podcast in my bedroom in June to London in a couple of months time um but obviously like no removals could happen so I was doing Richard Heron's podcast in my bedroom in June while a removal van just pulled up outside my house with all my life's possessions so I'd like finish this podcast and I was like man isn't it good to feel like a comedian again I was so funny on that podcast and I came downstairs and my mom was like surprise all your shits yeah I was like oh he paid all your shits, yeah? And I was like, aw. He paid a removal van.

He paid half a removal van. Oh, good guy. And I got invoiced for the other half. Oh, great guy. Do you know what? He was always a gobshite. Like, he was, though. I met him a few times, and I was always like, there's something fucking wrong with this guy.

I said, to be honest, I said, what we're going to do about paying for this removal van? Because, you know, working class girl, I do like to pay my way, but also I was like, I shouldn't have to pay it. And I was like, I suppose we could pay half. And he went for it, and I was like, that wasn't the right option. And I was like, right, so if you're going to charge us half, invoices, and I'll write it off as a tax expense.

And he did, invoices, and now on my fucking tax spreadsheet, I've had to be like, break up removal van. But at least you put two kisses on the invoice. Imagine trying to explain that on my accountant in a year's time. I'll be like, as if I've got an accountant. It's me.

It's just going to be me looking in the mirror in April going, well, Lauren, you fucked up a lot in 2020. Amazing. What a bell sniff if you're gonna like move your ex's stuff

back to them don't be like I need half the money do you know what I'm more sad about though and I think this says a lot about me priorities because we live together

he had the PS4 and I bought the Sims for the PS4 and I'm really sad about me Sims oh he's got your save he's got the game he's got the game they're gonna be dead in the pool aren't they they're done this them stairs are long gone god it's like having kids isn't it and i'd built me in here

joint custody of the sims exactly want me sims back as someone who's recently gone through a similar but not exactly the same thing i want to say i reckon it's harder to have a dog in a breakup oh yes you think it's harder to have a dog over having kids on every possible life no no having a dog is it's the same emotionally it's more difficult in a lot of ways because your kid doesn't shit on the neighbor's garden or shouldn't and i think if a dog dies that's sort of worse than with a kid, because if a kid dies, you can actually say goodbye, and the dog's just whimpering.

Do you know what I mean? You can't take a kid to the doctors and get it put down, so when a kid dies, you don't feel guilty. These things don't always land. What happened to the dog? Fucking prick. I'm sick of hearing this stuff about dogs every time I go

being a dad's kind of difficult it's like ah shut up I'd have six but having my mini is very difficult because she needs walking twice a day

sometimes listen I've just laughed a far time and it stings so just get ready for that put it in closed space.

Right. Here's the thing. I do lean into that and it is a joke half the time, but I do think breakup-wise, do you know what I mean? I can't ask because I let her take the dog. Oh, that's big. Right? Yeah.

I would have gone full custody battle. We go to court for things like that. Well, there should be a court for things like that, shouldn't there? But also... This has worked out really well. study battle. You got a court for things like that. Well, there should be a court for things like that, shouldn't there? This has worked out really well. I'm not dealing with COVID and your boff. I don't need to deal

with a pandemic and the smell of your arsehole. Accept it. Oh no. Tom the intern, burn that. Thanks, Kip. First job.

But if Laura fucked off, she's still got to let you see Etta. I'm not allowed to see Minnie. Oh. You know what I mean? It's a nightmare. You should be able to be like, no, I get the dog on Tuesdays. Every other weekend and half term. You know, if Laura did that

and then withheld custody, I couldn't go to a pound and spend 20 quid and adopt another child. You literally can. It's just as easy to adopt kids as it is dogs. You don't even need a six-foot fence for the kids. I think as these videos are on YouTube and I get called a nonce twice a week, don't think we're adopted just take one from the

park there's loads oh my god that's the second child abduction joke a joke in two sections no wonder we're all mates you've fucking got the same mental illness yeah just steal one the three yeah if you could adopt right a child yeah I just want to say if she agrees with me right of any ethnicity

uh huh what would you go for Asian yes yes hey now that you're two single

both of you are single stay the fuck away from each other because you'd be an evil couple well stay the fuck away from each other because you'd be an evil couple well stay the fuck away from mine and Adam's

new half English half Asian family yeah I can't believe that went oh my god I said in the first so you know the first

half just me and him yeah I said that like obviously Asians make the cutest babies yeah they absolutely do see I'm not fucking mental.

You're all mental. No, I agree with you. You'll both make beautiful parents of abducted foreign children. Of a stolen child. Amazing. I mean, I can't wait to see it. Weird Von Trapp family. Yeah, we don't put our kids on Facebook, you know,

because, you know, we don't want them to be traced. It's for the best, isn't it? Oh, right. What was our home? Morrison's. but you know because you know we don't want them to be traced it's for the best isn't it oh right what was our home Morrison's no but you can adopt a kid track and trace just as easy as you can adopt

track and trace on stolen Chinese children I'm not signing these forms why because of Covid no because of little Vinny. Vinny Chan.

Played it safe with the name there, didn't you? I'll go with Vinny. I thought about it. I thought about it. But I knew that if I picked a name, it would just be slightly Chinese-y sounds. Oh, my. I'm calling it a fucking Chinese dish.

Oh God. Okay. So you're working in Morrison's at the minute? I am. Living the high life. How's it going? It's all right. But, right, I don't like to play to northern stereotypes,

working class stereotypes. I've been moved from the checkouts and I think it's because I didn't know what a lot of vegetables were. When they're coming like towards you on the conveyor belt. Which ones? I love it. Loads of them.

How Geordie's that? What the fuck is a carrot? What's this big long fucking dildo looking bastard? Well, how is this for day one I had a moolie? What the fuck's a moolie? Is this in Newcastle upon Tyne? I used to live in Newcastle upon Tyne and the fact that that vegetable is available in Newcastle

in a rough bit of Newcastle as well. That city has changed. A moolie. How do you spell it? M-O-O-L-I. Morrison's are a white trough. I just thought it was a big white carrot. A radish. Why don't they just call it a radish then? A daikon. It's a radish it's a type of radish

go on a moolie was another one courgette i got stuck on all right i just thought they were like baby aubergines i was like honestly i think that's not i think this is all fuck ups that i'd make i can't imagine that fucking barbara which bit of newcastle is this are you telling me that fucking car Carol that's worked there for 20 years I fucking sick of the sea and moolies like I was

raised on fucking moolies what as if they know what they're on about fucking courgette you Tory so you've been moved from the checkout yeah where have they

got you in the cafe with my mum we're gonna kill each other does she work yeah she got us working class nepotism I was like ma uh you know how i'm always whinging in comedy that middle class people get opportunities they don't deserve because they know the right people well it's my time to shine don't worry lauren love i know some people i'll get you in that is such like you know how i say like liverpool and newcastle are very similar cities

would you agree with that oh definitely that is such a scouse thing to end up working in the same morrison's cafe as your ma yeah yeah when things go to shit you can always go to morrison's you can go me and another girl work in the cafe and i went to school with this girl and her mom also works there and we've got the same kind of like proper screechy Geordie voice so if we're both on shift together and both our mums are in all you'll hear is ma ma ma ma like two little seagulls and put on my mum and her because her ma's on the checkout my mum's in the cafe and the two of them are just like why did we get our daughter's jobs yeah amazing you're gonna be sat there with your daughter one day going you're gonna join the family business my sister used to work there as well you know my sister worked there like at first job when she was a teenager my ma's worked there

for 15 years my dad's just been made redundant my mom was like well you can always join the family business i was like we don't own it you come from a long line of people who served cold fried eggs and you're represented by one of the biggest comedy agents in the world my mum works at Morrison's I work at Morrison's, obviously I'm represented by Avalon

but they take 15% someone, I'm having drama with fried eggs, someone complained about we fried eggs because they said they were too overdone and i was like wait right whatever i'll cook them less and then people started sending them back because they weren't cooked enough and i was like well cook your own fucking eggs and people were like that's kind of why they come to morrison so they don't have to do that i was like oh i'm not gonna last long i'm an artist these eggs aren't cooked enough you'll

need to speak to my agent. Mother! But, like, I think as well with being, like, comedians, you're used to, if someone gives you shit, you just give it back, don't you? Call them a cunt on Twitter. Aye, pretty much. Can I do that in Morrison's? Learn that the hard way.

But, like, some wife brought her breakfast back the other day and was like, it looks like that, because I was doing, like, the plating up. She brought it back to the girl on the till and was like, it looks like the girl's just thrown it on the plate. And I was like, well, I have. I'm not going to lie. I'm busy. You've paid £4 for it.

What do you want? It's to arrange it in the shape of a fucking labia. I don't know why that was the first thing that came to my mind. Which breakfast do you want? The little breakfast, the big breakfast, or the twat breakfast? The labour minor, the labour majora. Are you hoping to stay on the cafe? Or are you hoping to get back to the tills?

What, in your Morrison's career, is there a certain bit you want to work on? I'd like to head for the exit as soon as... How long have you got, do you think, before you just pop and throw an egg at someone? I was quite optimistic. And then when they said that furlough was getting extended to March, I was like, we're all fucked, aren't we?

We're going to be locked down forever. It was a weird one when they announced that. There's going to be help for the self-employed. You're like, oh, that's amazing. Oh, that could be brilliant. It's going to maybe go till March. They're like, no, I don't want the money. I just want to be able to do comedy.

Just open the clubs. Yeah. But, yeah. Yeah yeah it's a kicker we've got a you don't you don't want to feel too negative but i've spoken to a couple of comics recently and they're like it's just as long as we get to gig in december and i feel like going cool stay positive yeah just mentally prepare yourself that that might not be fucking happening in December. There's an element of that. I do think it is going to happen in December. I think we're coming back in December because they want Christmas.

Because they want to be able to go, we gave you Christmas. For fuck's sake, vote us back in. I think they're going to give us Christmas. Tom's nodding. See, he's going to be on everything, Tom. Yeah, Tom, it's a great way to get this job i think they're gonna give us back christmas and i don't think they're gonna give us back christmas gigs i've got this i've got this horrible feeling that you know out of the first lockdown when it all went up the gears and it

very much felt like comedy the only thing getting shat on more than comedy was like soft play in nightclubs yeah and I'm worried that that's going to be the case again obviously you can go and see your family and friends what about venues

no they're fucked no I think we're coming back I think most places are going to be in tier one in December and I think the end of December there's going to be a fucking massive spike

and January is going to be the worst it's been at any point and I'm gutted about that because that's where my birthday is aww say mine's the 4th point. And I'm gutted about that because that's when my birthday is. Aw.

Say, mine's the 4th of December. So I'm like, we better get this locked. Ooh, that was a few seconds there. It's horrible. Sorry, love. If we get out of lockdown on the 2nd of December, I'll be very happy because then I get to have a birthday. When's your birthday?

4th. The 4th. I optimistically booked the weekend off work way back in April because I was like, we won't still be in lockdown and now I'm like oh yeah

what are you going to do how old are you going to be 27 oh big one yeah what are you going

to do probably die enjoying the 27 club I feel that would be very on brand for me while working at

the Morrison's cafe just like Hendrix yeah it's it's brutal isn't it I asked the other day I was, what are you doing for Halloween? And you're like, oh yeah, I forgot.

No one's doing anything. Apart from setting off all the fireworks that have ever been created, how was, like, the video you put up on Twitter, Carl, was... It was that for five hours. Oh, God. Like, not like, oh, there's a display. Permanent fireworks for five hours it did sound like you're in beirut yeah i love bonfire night me yeah yeah i ate fireworks every

other night of the year but bonfire nights i feel yeah no i yeah i enjoy bonfire night but it was it was extra wasn't it yeah this bonfire night people like well i can't go anywhere i've got to do fuck all we're not going anywhere for a month. So they basically got the arms of a small Arab state and let them off in their small gardens. I don't know why anyone would have spent money. If you just walked outside and looked up or slightly to the side, you had a free display, didn't you? Yeah, but that's not the same, especially if you've got kids,

having your own firework. Or a dog. Yeah, well, yeah. We're surrounded by dogs. Me especially if you've got kids, having your own firework. Or a dog. Yeah, well, yeah. We're surrounded by dogs, so like, me and my neighbour Neil were like,

are we going to do something? And it's just, it's eggy, isn't it? Because you're like, oh, I've got dogs here, dogs there,

we get on really well with our neighbours, so we just left it. And then the house, two doors down, went, nah, fuck it,

we're going to get everything. And it was immense and it was for free. Do you think it's weird that we celebrate Bonfire Night? Because of what it is. Because Guy Fawkes, he tried to blow up the house apartment. That's why we do it, isn't it? Yes, I think that was the history of it, isn't it?

Yeah, but like, isn't that weird? We don't like, there's no other terrorist attacks that we have a party for. Remember, remember, 7-7. Exactly. We don't have a fucking you don't get clowns round on 9-11 do you it didn't happen

did it I think they're celebrating the fact that it was foiled yeah they're not celebrating the

fact that it happened oh yeah okay they they they

it's not really bad I feel like I'm on an episode of unsolved mysteries fucking Richard Osman over there well actually

I'm right again. And then they were hung, drawn and quartered, weren't they? Yeah. Nice. Is quartered mean you get cut into four? You get your limbs chopped off. You're hung until you're nearly dead. Drawn on a...

Yeah. Yeah. Is that where Hangman comes from? Talk me through what you think hung, drawn and quartered is. Hang them. Oh, hang them. No! Come on, come on. Barry, more fucking neck.

Always Barry. Also. Go on. Like, so quartered is you cut their arms and legs off. Would that cut you into five? Because you've still got your body. So that's not quartered. I think the four chops of your limbs.

And then they get your... Are we doing this? They get all your organs out and show them to you as you're dying. I feel like you're already dead at that point. Maybe. Yeah. I don't think you could be there with no arms and no legs and your fucking lungs out having a nightmare.

Are you sorry now? All right, we'll pop them back in. said he's sorry carol get the song get the sewing kit yeah it is a weird one to celebrate it's so long ago like any of those lids last night were like fuck you guy fuck i love parliament me go on bojo um good i don't know. You're looking at me like going, how do you want to follow it? I'm not sure.

Whenever there's a moment where we're both looking at each other like that, Lauren, it means you're like, what are we going to do? Which way are we going? Are we going for a break? Are we going to make it worse? Are we going to say something offensive? Are we going to do an accent?

Can you just, before we go to this break, can you show Lauren your Geordie accent in full? I didn't know where that sentence was going there. Oh, right. You show Lauren the problem you've got down there. She's seen it before. Oh, he's got a sore dick at the moment. I haven't.

It's fine now. Is it back in the game? I sexed last week and I stubbed it. Stubbed it? On a fanny or a table? Nailed it. Oh, shit. last weekend I stubbed it stubbed it? on a fanny or a table? nailed it oh shit I come out

like Jordan and then like instead of going back in it like hit her fucking thigh or something she's got really hard thighs yeah it was literally like

yeah it was it was not fun she also listened to the podcast when I talked about that in detail

found it very funny very luckily it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission to tell love stories me Geordie accent yeah

can you give him a chat I'm not saying mine's much better but this is particularly fun can you give him a Geordie sentence

a Geordie sentence? A Geordie sentence. Howie, I'm going into town. Howie, I'm going into town. Nailed it. Sorry. I don't know why I thought it'd be funny, because he's just... Is that Walker or Blake? Yeah.

Gates Eddish. Yeah. Nailed it. Yeah. Howie, I'm going into town. I'm going to the Eldon Square shopping centre for some Nando's.

Who is your favourite Newcastle player of all time? The man who sang Fog on the Time. He played for Newcastle? He did. Jimmy Nail? No, it was Gazza, wasn't it?

Oh, yeah. I think a Geordie would know Gazza's name before going. No. No, was Gazza on it? Oh, yeah. I think a Geordie would know Gazza's name before going, you know the man who went fishing after that guy went mental? My school had to be shut because of that, you know. What was he called? Raul Moat. As if you don't know Raul Moat's name. You didn't know Gazza's name three seconds ago

when you were pretending to be a Geordie? You fucking stub-dig motherfucker. Stub-dig. Rowell Moat. Yeah. Everyone knows Rowell Moat, though. You can't forget that. Loads of footballers.

There's only one Rowell Moat. There's only one Rowell Moat. One Rowell Moat. If you don't know we were talking about a Geordie guy went fucking bananas and went on a rampage with a gun

is that right yeah and then he was hiding or like spotted or something near mine and I remember like trying to go into school I was like 15

and all the gates were locked and I was like oh why can't I get in and they were like well if I lock the gates because of Raoul Mote and I was like well I'm not fucking him

am I like he's in disguise five foot like little toothpick of a girl and they were like, well, if I lock the gates, because of Raoul Mote, and I was like, well, I'm not fucking him, am I? He's in disguise. Five foot, like, little toothpick of a girl. I was like, he's not in me Jane Norman carrier bag. Like, he's definitely not in here. Checking you for firearms. And then Paul Gascoigne turned up there, didn't he?

Paul Gascoigne went in a taxi with some fishing equipment, because apparently he knew Raoul Mote, and had been fishing with him or something and took some cans of lager and some chicken and was surprised when the police wouldn't let him

through the security cordon that's one of the best tweets of all time isn't it Joe from the police account Paul Gascoigne

survived at the scene with some chicken and a fishing rod one of the best tweets of all time who in the police is like i've got to justify my job here guys i know these i know there's a firearm situation and people could

lose their lives but i've got to live tweet it how can they hire an intern it's just like i've been told to keep an eye on the social media and i need to update them it's also 2-0 to Newcastle. Shall we have a break? Yeah, I think we need to. Before we have a breakdown. I called you a stub dig. What's happening, lids? Today's sponsor is Beer 52. Beer 52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club.

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don't forget to watch our very funny podcast videos on youtube you can subscribe at youtube.com forward slash have a word pod. Oh. How long have you two known each other? Because we've known each other pretty much since we started. When did you start? 2012. Yeah.

First time I remember meeting you was 2013 at the BBC. BBC New Comedy Award in Manchester. Yeah. That was a bit of a weird one. Did you ever do that? The BBC New Comedy Award er 1848 it was different times

loads of people doing like Queen Victoria banter did you do it I can't remember who won ours er New Comedy Award I did in 2002

years how did you get on I got to the semi-finals in London and I there was two

two semi-finals Gary Delaneyon and i there was two two semi-finals gary delaney won his one and what's he ever fucking done and then in mine i lost to a guy called paul carenza oh yeah who is still rings a bell yeah he's a so he's a pro comic but he's a christian as well and uh that has really got in the way of his career, I think. Really? Yeah, he's quite a devout Christian. And to be fair, that's not fair. I haven't gigged with him loads.

I think I saw him once about 10 years later. But he books a gig in Rutland, which I think is the smallest county in England. And he booked it in a church. And you know when you go to a church and it's clearly quite a modern church and they're dead sound. Yeah.

But the vicar was like, okay, so we'd love to have you. They're so friendly, lovely dressing room and actually quite a modern church. And he gigged on the stage and they were like, so we don't,

we just ask you don't do any swearing. You know, we don't mind an occasional bee. What's a B? Bitch or bastard or bellagg? Maybe a B. Balls. Bollocks.

All the Bs. All the Bs. But not that many Bs in one sentence. What do they mean by B, though? Bastard. Bastard. Maybe. So bitch.

S. Maybe an S. But no Fs and definitely no Cs. That's the conversation we had before we went on. Just a gamer countdown. Yeah. What's S? Supercum. Shit. Supercum. and definitely no C's that's the conversation we had before we went on just a game of countdown yeah what's that super conti shit

super conti that took you 20 seconds didn't it but yeah they were my semis and I think Nina Conti

went on to win it back in the D's mate who was your BBC's I don't know who won that oh yeah

2013 I think Brennan won it oh yeah maybe oh no did he win it I think he got to the final maybe

we never got off the heat both had very good gigs though I remember that yeah it was a good night I was so young I was like 19 Jesus

where was your first ever gig Chilli Arms in Heaton oh there you go yeah it was for So You Think You're Funny because like obviously

when you first get started in comedy especially like in Newcastle where I had The Stand and that was it and I was like well how think you're funny um because like obviously when you first get started in comedy especially like in newcastle i had the stand and that was it i was like well how do you start gigging so i knew about that competition just turned up to the chilly arms and was like aye this will be fine and then i kind of didn't think anything else of it and i was with lost voice guy he was in my heat and he didn't get through and again what's he ever going on to do with himself other than win a quarter of a million quid on the talent show because he's really good but I was at tea in the park at the festival and it was a Julia the person who runs it she rang us

and I was pissed in the field and I was like what she was like we just need you to come down to Edinburgh next month because you threw the semi-finals and I was like no I'm not and she was like no you are I'm bored of comedy now I was like that wasn't in the plan i would be 18 then i was waiting for my a-level results and what what was it what was it that made you want to do stand-up were you always been a fan of comedy because it's quite a thing to like 18 19 go i'll just i'll just go and enter a competition yeah what made you want to do comedy what do you mean no but no but i mean what what are your goals no sorry like why does no one love you yeah why are you sad um no i just i mean i i suppose when you ask the question of like oh why did you get into comedy it is like really hacky

question but what at 18 as an 18 year old girl that's not that it's just it's great i just wanted to know where i'm still getting fingered and stuff don't worry oh well i withdraw the question then as long as you're getting finger banged like yeah i'm on i'm not a lesser or anything it wasn't a total little weirdo i don't think no demographic of people talks about getting fingered more than jordy women oh yeah we love it yeah i have experience of that oh actually on a patreon episode i sort of teased the story didn't i oh yeah is this the story i know yeah it definitely is because i started telling a story and it made him think of it, and he had, like, a 30-second, like, felt like he'd fucking malfunction.

Genuinely. Because I'd suppressed that night. Yeah, until I... From memory. How much better is this? How much better is this? Lauren, why did you want to get into comedy? Oh, sorry, can we just pause that as Adam has a panic attack

while thinking about fucking a girl in a bush? Go! Yeah, so, by the way, Lauren, my friend Lauren... Good friend. Fucking cunt on the couch over here. Right. When I... No, and you've had seven years.

Yeah. When I battled Maisie Adam on Roast Battle, she told Maisie this story so that she could use it on the television. Oh, you rat. But I felt a bit sorry for Maisie because I knew Maisie didn't know Adam that well. And I was like, write our message, Maisie,

and I'll see if she needs any, like, help or any gossip. any gossip provoked maisie didn't ring her and go got anything she volunteered that's exactly what you do it's good fun level the playing field to be fair don't hiss the come on this podcast yeah i saw a message there and i was like oh I've got this story and it's brilliant I was like if you can find any way to make a joke about it now don't ditch her in the end

she didn't missed an opportunity golden opportunity right stop teasing this story tell this fucking story I don't actually think we can tell it

oh yeah we can sure upset me upset me last image me and Lauren were on a nice out

why were we on a nice out we'd been gigging together in Newcastle yeah oh the Alphabetti the Alphabetti so we did a double header preview night

Lauren arranged it was boss that wasn't it it was really good I think it was better than any show I had in Edinburgh that year you know those previews yeah when you're like

I'm getting nominated and three days in you're like I'm going home in debt I've had that happen in darlington have you ever had neil jolly go come and do the darlington and it's like the weekend before the the fringe you've done like 10 previews you're like this is singing and then that's the sunday night and by the first preview in edinburgh you're like i'm gonna die i'm gonna die awful so we've done the

alphabetic and then uh your family were there and a few of your friends and stuff and we went out was it me you and it ended up me you and your at the time boyfriend yeah because i was living that was the house i lived in where i lived with me x and the boy i was currently going out with that was that house yeah is all your life situations like a sitcom waiting to happen i work at the morrisons with me mom it's a new drama on the bbc this sitcom's crazy it's my ex and my current boyfriend pisses me off though when i like obviously like i tweet a lot about my life and stuff that's going on and people are like hey should write a sitcom and i'm like no i'd never thought of that no i'm living one oh never mind but yeah

I was staying in yours wasn't I yeah because although you know we made a little bit of money from the preview you're not paying Newcastle hotel rates

no one can afford 12 quid when you're coming up as a comedian Newcastle's hotel rates are fantastic they're always cheap as fuck it's wonderful

but thanks for that Newcastle tourist information public service announcement someone sponsored by the ibis get it and you know when you're in a newcastle hotel you can shave your balls with the equipment from manscape.com use the what use the promo code word and i don't remember how i found this let's call her lady lady this lady be generous what in a gay bar what in powerhouse it wasn't a man

it wasn't a man hey i know you like a 10 p.m but oh no like this wasn't so what that reference he's just made a 10 p.m man carl made a joke a couple of weeks ago that said, you know, like, at the end of the night, like, six o'clock in the morning, when there's only a few people around, it were, like, awful, but you're like, I need something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Carl said that I go for them at 10 o'clock at night just to play it safe. Spread button, right? Spread button. That's disgusting. Get it when it's reduced, but not, like like reduced to clear

it's like this is going off tomorrow Morrison stuff's working get one with a whoop stick go on so we were hammered or at least I was

oh yeah we were all hammered but I was hammered hammered and I was single at the time and like we've spoke on the Patreon episodes

and if you're not on the Patreon episodes. And if you're not already a Patreon, patreon.com slash have a weird pod. You get all the juicy details of a lot of this stuff. We can't not tell this today with Lauren being here, though. I used to get ridiculously drunk every time I went out. Like blackout drunk. And I only remember little flashes of this night.

That's why last week when I got triggered for this, I literally got all of them at once. And it was like you know when like someone's taking photographs of you with the flash on but you're not really expecting also while this was happening i was telling a story that was unusual and i was so into telling it that i didn't realize what was going on for a lot of it then i watched it back on video and there's a whole bit of Adam going... He's literally having an epileptic fit through shame and guilt. Oh, God. What are you up? I'm telling it.

He's telling it. So, we were in Newcastle. Right. Carl, we were in Newcastle and we'd done a gig together and I was staying in London. Oh, for fuck's sake. It must have been late as well because this is a club

that's open till like five in the morning which I think is why we were there they have like multiple floors yeah yeah yeah what's it called Powerhouse

Powerhouse it's a gay club in Newcastle and I don't know if it's deliberate but there's a little sign that says entrance round the back yay

and it's just proper I don't know if they thought that one through but it tickles me is it the pink triangle is that what it's just proper. I don't know if they thought that one through, but it tickles me a lot. Is it the pink triangle? Is that what it's called in Newcastle? Yeah, there, yeah. There's like the life centre.

All the bars and the life centre. Yeah, and then there's like the 16 venues for the... All in. Yeah, very... Yeah. Yeah. You've gone so pale. Are you sure it wasn't a man?

It wasn't a man. Okay. She certainly wasn't a man anymore. That's the best I can say. That's all I can say for absolutely sure. She had fully transitioned. Name's Barbara. Come on, love.

It had a vagina. That's all I can say. Oh, Jesus. I don't remember meeting her but we're on this nice I was third wheeling

with Lauren and her boyfriend was it just us three no I think people from my work must have been out as well there was definitely a group of us

because we try to like expectate a sport watching we run and commentary the fuck out of it give me the story

give me the story so I just we were just going for it how did you meet on the dance floor I honestly have got no idea do you remember lauren i remember like turning away turning back and i was like adam's found a friend and then knowing you're like oh we'll just leave and be and then it progressed very quickly on the dance floor on the dance floor on the seats in the little booth yeah She had her hand in me pants. Yeah. We didn't fuck on the dance floor, but... No, no.

I like that. Mama likes that. Don't take a note at monkeys, though. I bet that I fuck you on the dance floor. I don't know if you came for a woman or... I don't know what you're looking for. Oh, good God. Stop making the eye at me.

I'll stop making the eye at you. Yes. Fingers. Sorry. Here's the thing. Sorry. Here's the thing, okay? When you're hammered, right?

When I'm hammered, I certainly have a lot of confidence. But also, right? Like, I want to hammered, I certainly have a lot of confidence, but also, right, like, I want to point out, this isn't a sexist thing. When Carl's talking about the 6am-ers at 10 o'clock, right, this is not a female thing. This happens with men as well, okay? Oh, yeah. They're very keen for attention,

and because they're the 6am-ers, they're not used to getting any. What time are you? I'm a 6am-er as well i'm grim as well okay right i hear about quarter past four so if you give it like when lauren's like she turned around and like oh there's there's adam with this girl what would happen is sometimes especially you know when girls just want to meet someone and go home with them it doesn't take long when you're hammered to go from there's no like hey can i buy you a drink it's just like you and she's like yeah yeah exactly that's what i'm saying so that's why it's easy to miss the start of it so what's probably happening

there's no there's not like a protracted caught in like Taylor's oldest time oh my goodness me Adam's in the

dance of courtship so I think I just turned around and gone hey that's that's Geordie

love you've just got to produce how and then you're away and she's gone That's Geordie, love Pretty much You've just got to produce How? And then you're away And she's gone Oog Oog oog

And then we just melded together I've seen this Do you like when Atom shows you like birds doing the dance I've seen this so many times Like the road

Which birds? Two big fucking emus yeah so I think I've done that and then Lauren's turned round and me and I oh there the way you're making it out is

do you know when New Zealand rugby team are playing and they start doing the hacker that literally sounds like you and this big lass in a fucking... Amazing. Stand back.

It's mesmerising. Everyone, everyone, stand back. I've seen it before. Honestly, you'll tell your kids about this. Stand back for health and safety reasons. Come on. Give them space. Fuck, if they fall onto you, you're going to lose a limb

Or a dick I don't know which one's worse I'm going to get an erection back Taylor's oldest time. Move the table, you little stubbit. This one's caught fire, hasn't it? No. So, all I remember about it really

was that it was like furious. Oh, it was aggressive. It was like, do you know like, have you ever seen like a tornado pick a car up it was like that i just got sucked into this absolute she was a unit wasn't she it was like she just picked me up like in my head we were just bouncing around the room from corner to corner table to table. Like a horny fucking pinball. I'm not making this up, though, am I?

Like, we'd look there and he'd be there. Because we're trying to keep a... Good friends, good friends. We're like, keep an eye on him. And then we'd look again and he's gone. We're like, how's he fucking upstairs? He's floated. Just fucking tumbling around.

Doing judo rolls while necking someone and then we're clocked like she had his hands in your pants but it was so aggressive I was like has she lost a pound she's trying to get a trolley

but then I think the bouncer must have clocked you because they got thrown out but then like five minutes later they were back and we were like pussies do have nine lives this is amazing Bones have must have clocked years. They got thrown out. But then like five minutes later, they were back and we were like,

pussies do have nine lives. This is amazing. I don't know how he has got back in. Well, I sort of remember that. So, we got thrown out because you're not allowed to get wanked off on the dance floor. Not in the rules. Jesus Christ, Newcastle has changed.

It's just like it's frowned upon. Is it? Right. I think what happened was, when they threw us out, oh God, the doorman was like, I can't let you back in.

I can't let you back in. I got told to throw you out. And I think he was just hinting like, just go away and come back yeah yeah so we did and they just

like the other doorman like I just gave him like a tenner or something to get back in yeah like a little another little did she get it out for you

it was in pound coins it took a while but erm we got thrown out again I think yeah I swear you got thrown out at least three times like when someone dies in a video game

and I was like he's back how did you, why didn't you just go and bang this girl I did in the end why did you keep coming back but at the end of the night we couldn't find him and I didn't know if Adam would remember my address and I was like have I given him my address so we were like outside and we were like Adam yn dod yn ôl ond ar ddiwedd y nos doeddwn ni ddim yn gallu'i gael ac doeddwn i ddim yn gwybod a oedd Adam yn cofio fy adrwydd a roeddwn i'n dweud a oeddwn i wedi rhoi fy adrwydd i nhw felly roedden ni'n bodoli fel arall roeddem ni'n bodoli fel Adam Adam doeddwn ni'n gallu ei gael roeddem ni wedi cwrdd â'r cyflawniadau oherwydd roeddwn i'n meddwl bod hynny'n

y lle y gallech chi fod felly beth sy'n digwydd oedd y tro diwethaf rydyn ni wedi cael ei roi allan enough's enough enough's enough she was like and I was like I don't live in Newcastle so we'll have to go to yours and she was like and that was like

I was like okay well if we can't go to if we can't go to yours yeah we can't go anywhere and she just dragged me behind the like a bush

but the bush was right outside the club so we probably would have been stood next to your bush just like Adam and then it was like 20 yards away we gave up and went home and then eventually and i stayed up for a bit and adam started ringing this and i was like where were you and adam just said three words and i still remember them you just went in the bush as if to be like oh of course silly me i Spice a pun jab in case you were getting chips. No, you were in the bush, of course.

Tale as old as time. And I dropped her off in a taxi because I'm a gentleman. Yeah. What happened in the bush? Can we leave something to the imagination? He fucking ruined a squirrel's evening put me right off me fucking nuts

you know when you couldn't keep your attention on that story a couple of weeks ago on the Patreon I felt like there was a bit of me a bit annoyed like come on man keep your attention on that story a couple of weeks ago on the Patreon. I felt like there was a bit of me, a bit annoyed, like, come on, man, keep your focus.

And then I thought, I bet that story better be good enough. Oh, spectacular. Touché, fella. Touché. To the unit, to the squirrel, to the bush, to the New Zealand rugby team, that was absolutely worth the wait.

This is how small Newcastle is. We must have been out with someone from my work because I remember he, one of the lads been out with someone from my work because I remember he one of the lads we were out with from my work texted us a few weeks later

and he was just like I found her it was just a picture and I was like how did you find her why have you spent this time looking for her you found

what I've got a picture of her on my phone no no no send me the picture please you can't no I don't ever want to see it

I'm sliding it in now no no no no so I've got a coffee page we can't do that i don't ever want to see it but i'm sliding in now no no no no no so i've got we can't do that that's worse than naming someone no i can't see that picture oh i can't see that picture oh she's touching i can't see it because the listeners will screenshot it and they'll send me can we pop the picture of a bush right now and a squirrel no oh god no no no no do you know it's your podcast and if you don't want it popped up you don't have to have it it's all right you're in control he's fucking not it's a great night so carl have you any questions

so so lauren you were saying you got into comedy oh that's right that was a boring question that was it the reason I got into comedy at 18 is to watch I honestly think this man fucking a bush right my like

I'm a good guy now you know I've matured you know got you know specific taste in you know nice ladies

I do now yeah right and but when I was younger you know I've got why do I feel like you're doing like a youtube apology video i've got um this is more stammering than like the tories at one of their briefings isn't

it as you can see you know the covid the shut down my my managerial my clubs managed women slept with you know it's not like the most illustrious illustrious you know there's a few you've got to start in the lower divisions mate

yeah and I think honestly without any shadow of a doubt by some distance that is my low yeah yeah

I'm blessed I got to share it with you really that's his apple and the cassero apple really say it again no one the stories i know really i won't say it don't really have you got any questions called specifically not about adam's sex life yeah i don't really know what's the part of that should we do have a word or two i've got some other words yeah

yeah it's time a have a word or two? I've got some other words, yeah It's time I have a word It's time I have a word There's so much sadness in your eyes You're dancing like a divorced guy You can't fuck a girl in a bush Now it's just the final ten percent Got a new soundboard coming Should be ready for Monday's Patreon

Very exciting This is from I don't know the name Sorry person But you'll recognise it Got a new soundboard coming. Should be ready for Monday's Patreon. Very exciting. This is from... I don't know the name. Sorry, person, but you'll recognise it. Hiya, lads. I absolutely love the pod. Keep up the good work. And keep getting in trouble from the wife.

One, for binge listening to it. And two, for saying, Oh, Jesus, 50 times a day. Oh, Jesus. The kids keep saying... What? The kids grasp me up for saying it too, the fucking rats.

I've just burped into the mic. Adam looks in agony. What's up, mate? It's really hurt you telling that story, hasn't it? I feel like I've opened a wound. I certainly did that night. Hey, Fanny. Come on, carry on.

Adam, that was, that goal was open and you should have just walked away from the goal. Gerard! Not going to lie, though, there was a couple of years later when I was living in London when we were doing English Comedian and Simon Lomas,

lovely Simon Lomas, was already staying at my house and then you kind of just rang us in the afternoon and were like i'm staying too and i was like okay fair enough and then i was with the lad who i've just broke up with at the time and we went back to the house after the gig and you and simon had disappeared and generally got a point i was like he's done it again oh no he's done it again but this time he's led lomas astray and i kept getting messages i didn't i kept getting messages off simon he was like i'm really sorry lauren i'm trying to get him to come home but he just won't and i was like it's fine

simon and then he was like he's now insisting we get crisps and i was like you go get your crisps it's fine i look i am a bit of a night once i've had've had a drink you've told me that story you told me that story when we were gigging away once and you came up and got this is like a few years ago and I've heard that story I've heard that story when I've had a drink I won't go home if I've had a certain amount

like I won't leave I'm having fun and if I go home the fun ends and I don't want the fun to end so I'm not going home. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Look, Tom's nodding. Yes, Tom.

He's on board. I want to see him. I'd love to see what Tom the intern wouldn't nod at. The thing is about euthanasia. Euthanasia should be legal. Left turn. It should.

If you want to die, the government shouldn't be allowed to say you can't yeah it's easy killing your nana than killing a dog say it's much harder putting a dog down than it is your nana yeah yeah because dogs are just more difficult and more important yeah yeah cool well your nan's mush by the time she gets to that point isn't she

mush mush anyway let's get back to this your nan's mush anyway anyway we've been together 14 years married five she has this horrible habit of buying things in the house that we're not allowed to use one of them just for show idiots i've got cushions i can't sit on i've got candles i can't light towels in the bathroom that can't be touched and if we do row i have to sleep on the couch it's fucking mental i don't get it please have a word her name is jemma smith from hull you know a lot of the emails and please don't use my real name could you keep me anonymous?

We've recently had to edit out names. Someone commented on the YouTube, like, are we editing our names? It's because I started reading something and at the end of the email went, please keep my name anonymous. We were like, fuck. This guy's like, here is my wife's full name.

Postcode. This is her postcode. Place of work. P.S. Sometimes the arguments that get that bad, I have to secretly go to the bathroom and wipe my willy on one of the towels that's how you come back so basically she buys shit for the house

just for show and he fucking hates her she's buying shit it makes sense because lads left to their own devices and this is a generalisation it'll be a bit basic, it'll look a bit glum it'll look a bit functional it will look a bit glum it'll look a bit

functional so i get why partners traditionally wives girlfriends will go can we make it look nice but it there's there's a line where it's like i want to i want it to look like a show home i want it to look like instagram and you're not allowed to fucking sit on it when it's like that is literally what it's for here's the thing right here's my opinion if i may yeah well you you always do the cushions and the candle i get i get it the data look nice right right you want a cushion we can't sit on okay so so it's saying instead when you sit down you move that's annoying isn't it candles that can't be lit. I don't agree with it.

I wouldn't do it. But you understand it. But I get it. You're showing empathy. Yeah. The towels, she can go fuck herself. Towels are functional only. No one ever walks into a bathroom and goes,

ooh, that towel looks lovely. Bollocks. What about bed cushions? I've got some decorative bed cushions now. Because I'm now trying to woo the ladies. So I bring them in and I'm like, I've got some decorative bed cushions now. Because I'm now trying to woo the ladies. So I bring them in and I'm like, I've got a throw, and the throw matches the cushions.

Oh, that's it. Knickers off. I'm pregnant. Oh, no. It's happened again. What's your feelings, Lauren? I can get the cat, because to me, a candle,

even if it's not lit, still smells nice. We've literally got one. Here's one we made earlier. But the towels aren't with you. Towels aren't decorative. That would wind me up so much. My mum, in the living room, we've got a little bin in the living room, and if she's just emptied the bin, you're not

allowed to put anything in the bin. That pisses me off. I'm like, it's a bin. It's its very purpose. And she's like, well, I've just emptied it. it i'm like so what's the window of time between bin being emptied when i'm allowed to put rubbish back in the bin again well how would you feel if i came around to your house and put rubbish in your bin i'd be like good it's not on the fucking floor then is it you know what i want to have a word with side note and it's on point you know when you're like walking down the street right if you're walking down the street and you've got like this yeah and you're done with it yeah you walk if you're walking down the street and you've got like this yeah

and you're done with it yeah and you walk past someone's path and their bin is right near the end of the path yeah would you put it in

would you lift it up and put it in because I would I would yeah I can understand yeah I know what's going to happen

someone's going to come out and go don't use my bin yeah it's better in their bin than on the road yeah exactly

I would try and put it in the right bin go on I would so I wouldn't do it I'd try and put it in the right bin. Go on. I would... So I wouldn't do it. I'd try and put it in the right bin. I'd try and put it in the recycling. Yeah, totally.

Because just putting it in there general waste when it's recycling is annoying. Totally. All right, okay. Totally. The annoying thing is probably like, don't put like a PC in there if they haven't got the space.

No, they've my own. I've put a packet of crisps in before. In the bin bin, which is where they go. You put the crisps in the bin bin. And you're like, don't use me bin. You're like, why? What it's for?

Is this going to take up too much space? This fucking spaceless packet of crisps. No, because you'll go around telling everyone that you've done it. And then everyone's going to be like, oh yeah, you want to get rid of your crisp packet? Go around to number 29. Yeah, it's bullshit. You're all gimps. What about when people have got a skip outside

the house that's my favorite we had a woman just around the corner from us rented a skip and stood near it for a lot of the day she got super competitive she covered it with tarpaulin and then she was stood at one point as we went to drop etter off at nursery and she was stood having an argument with her daughter and she was holding a coffee cup. Like, she was like, so bastard! And someone's just gone, oh, fuck it, I'll just pop it in there. And it's obviously messed with all her OCD and all her mental. It was just, it was a fucking eight-ton skip, and she had this, like, it was just, oh, she was so fuming.

Must be annoying, though, if you're hired a skip. Let it go. If you're hired a skip, and, like, you've got exactly eight tonnes worth of stuff to go in and then someone fucking fucks your ratio up by lashing a coffee cup in. Must be annoying. I feel for her.

She's such a twat when you play devil's advocate. Yeah, what's your towel situation though with decorative? Because we had a question way back about uh using the same towel like a couple just used the same towel see how we used to do it was we had different color towels but when all my stuff came back i told him he could keep the towels and the christmas tree which is the most bleak combination of like because you know they're like the shared things we'd brought together and i was like i keep the titles keep the Christmas tree feeling generous have a bath

put the tree up but I took the decorations so my ex texted me the other day and asked if she could have the Christmas tree back

I've said yeah you should have fucking broken for the dog if I get to do one walk a week one walk a week yes

not in your fucking tree do you you've given up your leverage you've given up your leverage though haven't you has she got the tree already?

No. That's it. Still got it. Hold the tree over. I haven't even told her I've found it yet. I think separate towels is... Never mind display. I like a separate towel.

You're a bit worried about OCD and that, aren't you? I don't think anyone should have to use the towel that I've used. I've seen how boys get dried after the shower, and it's a full-on floss in the arse isn't it? You can't do that. I hate people who do that because like I will use it. I'll use a towel for like two, three, four days. Like

three or four showers. You don't use a towel. You don't fresh towel every shower do you? You keep it on. Oh god no. You keep it for a few days. You're kind of a member of the royal family are you? Do you bring your own towel? Jesus. You can't use a towel if you've fucking rummaged it up your fucking batty crease i've started uh hair drying my balls little treat you know what that can make it infertile i'm not cooking my balls not like fucking chestnuts open and open over an open fire i just in the winter

when does your gooch get to breathe so i just i just give it a little bit of a i've got a little travel uh hair dryer that laura doesn't need because we're going nowhere lockdown recycling and i just i squat a little bit and i give myself a nice little aeration and sometimes i wonder what my dick what my dick's thinking as it just hits like have you used a hairdryer down there i don't want a hot fanny no next question is there an ideal temperature for your genitals to be at 38.6 degrees is this let me just check yeah i am yeah i think i think that is but I think it's more for men like if your balls get too hot

you're fucking done out here I just feel like just couldn't get a little just need a bit of air to it that's how that's how I'm feeling I wear cycling shorts a lot that sounds like such a

you need air to them but doesn't that mean you want them cooling no I just just I just wanted you know sometimes when you come out this is my point

this might be a like you come out of the shower you give my point. This might be a... You come out of the shower, you give yourself a dry, and sometimes it feels like you've not completely dried, and I just like a little bit of air. A little bit of air dry. No, I don't release. Carl, do you ever hair dry your body, including your balls? No.

No. Can I... My hair takes long enough so by the time I've done it my balls are dry yeah I think that might be the problem you've got to wear

you've got I'm now seeing a major problem because I have no hair anywhere else so I can be out of the shower and dressed in about

120 seconds so yeah that might be the problem. It's very fast moving. I need it accelerated. Can, and I know we don't set homework, but for the next episode, can you just try hair drying your balls?

No, I don't want them to overheat and I'll lose all my bubbles. Just try. There's nothing bad about it. You can overheat them. Don't do it in the microwave. Dan told me to fucking dry me balls. Beep, boop, beep, beep.

I'll put it on the cold setting. I've got one of those air dryers that has a cold setting. See how it feels. It's not going to feel bad. Anything blowing on your balls is good news, isn't it? I've got a question. Yeah? Are we not ending on a half a word?

Fucking controversial. If your brain was a hard drive and it was nearly full, what memories would you delete? I feel like it is. I think he's just told the story that he would literally like control alt delete on that whole fucking night out yeah i i think i find it mad that like you know i'll forget important stuff like you've been asking me to bring in my passport and a utility bill for like three weeks right and i can't remember to do that but i can still

remember the phone number we had when I was 7 why am I keeping that? why is it holding on? absolutely because there must be a reason that my brain's holding on to that number holding on to it yeah the telephone

I know the telephone number from my childhood what is that? some of the what is it? 01772743025 I don't know why do I know it why do I even need to know it? up until last year

I knew Babelow's number what's Babelow's knew Babelow's number. It was Babelow's. Babelow's was the pizza place that me and Carl used to order. 282. 2912. 282, 2912. So do I. You used to get a 10-inch pizza with any two toppings,

a portion of fries, and any can you wanted for £3.50. Fuck off! Yeah, we used to fuck off. Mate, that makes you sound as old as me. You used to be 89 pence for 20 LNB. But you're looking like seven and eight quid for that now. How can you get that much food? Quality.

We used to have little nights in. Have a Babelos night. Loads of rum. Loads of rum. FIFA. Babelos. Can I just say, what's changed?

The price. You literally told us things are different nowadays. Yeah, pay bloody double that. And drink better rum. Oh, God. Guys, is that a POD? I think we've had a podcast. Have you got anything you want to plug, Lauren?

Oh, fuck all christmas dinners are on at morrison's can you have a christmas dinner in the cafe wait we're short at the minute because of the restrictions but christmas dinners are on yeah on christmas day we're shut christmas day but christmas even boxing i think they're on the like third of january oh i thought you meant like you would they were opening like the pubs on christmas days that'd be fucking bleak that would be what are you doing for christmas this year taking me nan to the morrison's cafe oh jesus i love the morrison's cafe though it's right in there my daughter used to go there with me nan all the time my nan lived in bellevue in liverpool there's a morrison's next to the shopping center

and it was that was where we spent our saturdays and my mum taxi to me nan's go to Morrison's then me grandad had a little workshop in the attic and we'd go up there and we'd make something nearly made a robot to go on robot wars

at one point yeah and in the end he gave up so I just put a fucking cardboard box and stuck a knife through it and put it on a

remote control car yeah so fuck a lot yeah well that was a really nice family childhood memory. And towards the end, it went all fucking weird, didn't it?

And my grandad was upstairs. Yeah. They're both dead now. Dead and gone. In the ground. Okay, well, this one's for them. Anything you want to plug? Just the death of your grandparents.

Humour's on Tuesday. If anyone wants to come and pay them and the uh the wake is in the morrison's cafe you know right my grandma died during lockdown she died in october and she was living with me auntie she died in october last month last month i wasn't locked down i mean i know that's not the point jesus you're in the weeds here shut up lauren you idiot i wasn't a lockdown anyway sorry lauren tell us about your loss with me auntie and uh we obviously were like we went around to me auntie so sort of like after i make sure she was all right and me auntie just like

completely solemnly went i've had to tell the dog we were like what do you mean you've had to tell the dog and she was like well the dog keeps looking for your grandma so i've had to tell the dog we were like what do you mean you've had to tell the dog and she was like well the dog keeps looking for your grandma so i've had to say she's not coming back i was like i don't think the dog understands that's not yeah because it's that's that's why it's difficult having a dog you've got to explain grief to the dog that's why it's easier to have dogs than humans do you not think it's really sad with dogs though like my dog mini has got fucking no idea where I've gone. Isn't that sad?

Like an absent father, anyway. Isn't that sad? She'd be like, where's my dog? The dad who goes for a pack of cigs and doesn't come back. She's got no idea. You can't explain to a dog, oh, you know, sometimes people drift apart. No. You know?

She feels as emotionally attached to you as she does the tin opener. No, she doesn't. You fucking absolute gobshite. My dog loves me more than your daughter loves you. You've been opener that opens her boot. No, she doesn't. You fucking absolute gobshite. My dog loves me more than your daughter loves you. You've been replaced by a utensil. No. I reckon Minnie loves me more than Etta loves you. I do.

I reckon. I reckon. I'll tell you what we should do. I'll speak to my ex, right? And we'll meet in the same car park, right? And you let Etta run to you, and you let Minnie run to me, and whoever gets there first loves your person more in a car park

that sounds really it's locked out horrific what we'll do is we'll do a test of loyalty between child and dog in a car park fucking that sounds a bit

robot wars I tell you what and when you're older and when Etta's looking after me we'll see what Minnie's doing for you in our bed well she's been taken away

from me anyway you're dead gran this has been what Minnie's doing for you in our bed. Well, she's been taken away from me. Anyway, you're dead grand. This has been a fucking belter. Lauren, I'm so glad you came down on the train.

Thank you. Thanks for coming in. What's your Twitter and all that? Yeah, that's the best place to come and follow us is at Lauren Patterson

on Twitter. Okay. Do it. Do it. Sweet. Thanks for coming remember she was called Julie do you know her name

I don't know her name don't know her name go on wait for them to bring back this is your life Jonah Lomov feels sick and that is a pod

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