Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #94 with Stephen Tries - IN STUDIO - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: November 16, 2020

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Thanks so much for downloading the Have A Word podcast. We really appreciate it. This is the public episode. It goes out every Monday. Did you know we do an extra episode? It comes out every Wednesday. It's the Patreon exclusive. So to become a patron, to essentially subscribe to the podcast,

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Really appreciate it. Now now i'm getting the word nuts oh you think darkness is your ally you merely adopted the dark i was born in it molded by it who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? When she pick it up every time she starts to talk, give her the dick. Disgusting! She'll be like, hello. What I'm doing? This is when you get it.

What I'm doing? Oh, none. Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios, hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England, these are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube. Ja! Upset me!

Don't be a rat. Download, subscribe and tell a friend. It's the one and only. Have a word. Hey! Hey! You alright? Fucking winner, mate. He's a winner. I'm a fucking winner.

We're winners? Feel like a fucking winner tonight. Yeah? It's for me, Mark. Come on, Mark. Hashtag gone too soon we won a we won a the

joe.co.uk award for podcast of the year forget that there's five other winners as well fuck them we podcast of the year and they didn't even say that

but I'm I'm extending the title of the award we are the winner I mean there's five other guys they've done very well it's for me ma it's for me nan

it's for me fucking budgie wait has your budgie died as well I've not told you about me budgie you did you said did I it killed itself and brought a feather back for him oh yeah yeah yeah your budgie committed suicide

when I was four gone but never forgotten you fucking GBNF your life is tinged by tragedy innit mum gran fucking budgie

but it's all turning around now out of the land fucking show.co.uk Your life is tinged by tragedy, isn't it? Mum, gran, fucking budgie. But it's all turning around now, Adam Land. Fucking show.co.uk, Kev. My grandad as well, but he had dementia, so he might not recognise me. Grandad, no, I'm this way. How depressing would that be if in heaven, they're like, I don't know if I had a grandson.

Just looking down at all. Right, it could be. I've told you the story about my grandad not recognising me, haven't I? When I went in with my dad. Which makes my heart hurt a lot. No, what happened, I'm sure I've told you this,

but my grandad's, the way the dementia affected his brain was, it just like deleted the last 15 years of his memory. It does a lot, it just tracks back. This is my mum's dad, by the way, but she was already dead.

And I went in to see my grandad with my dad and we walk in and obviously in the last 15 years my dad hasn't changed that much. So he walked in and he went, you alright, Mich?

And then he went to me, what time's dinner, lad? And I went, what? And he went, what time am I getting me dinner? And I went, I don't know, grandad.

And he went, what? And my dad went, this is your grandson, Adam. And he went, put some fucking weight on him. What, because you'd gone from eight to fucking grown up? Yeah, in his head. I was an 11-year-old kid.

I didn't hear whatever he said there. Cha. Yeah, and he got really pissed off because he thought one of the other old women in the home that he was in was his wife, who was long dead. And he was fuming. And he was long dead and he was fuming and he was like fucking fuming with air

and my dad was like why you ain't fucking kissing some other fella in front of me I'm just sat there in the fucking little cafe bit over there

and I'm sat on my own and she's just fucking kissing him in the corner fucking hussy we were like they couple up in old people's homes

don't they it wasn't me nan I know he wasn't seeing this woman he thought wasn't me nan. I know. He wasn't seeing this woman. He thought it was me nan. Because she's on the other side of the room. His vision's going.

He's like, fucking Kathy. What's she doing with his fucking dick in her mouth? What are you doing over there, you dirty old bitch? Is he the one who did the cathedral? No. Different one. Different grandad. They do.

His grandad was the one who... He was the electrician. He did Anfield. My grandad was the one who He was the electrician He did Anfield My grandad was the electrician He did the whole of Anfield Including the scoreboard Yeah yeah yeah I've heard the story I've seen the wiki Old people in old people's homes

Do sort of couple up It just gets a little bit like Like a really really sad love island Yes Oh Oh Oh Oh

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Island. What a bad joke that ended. Moira has shit in her pants. For the first time today. Ian Sterling

still doing the voiceover for it. Moira has shit in herself but Derek can't tell because he's lost his sense

of smell. And Grahams halfway down the fucking road because someone left a back door open. We've got a fucking runner! Last, yesterday, on Love Island Seniors.

Oh, my God. Oh, Dan, would you go on Love Island? Fucking hell. Not many of you are single. That is the definition of a sore thumb. Holy shit. I honestly, I'd kill the ratings. Sometimes I clock myself in my underpants.

I'm like, what the fuck is going on, Dan? No, that bods it in, though. No. No. Not on Love Island. No, they're not. No, but I think you'd Fucking you'd

Flatten the curve Love Island's got some More represent You know like It's got to deal with Like Gay people first Because it's very like

Girls Boys That's who date Like I can understand if you're Like a young gay person In this country Like I don't feel like This represents me

Wokey McWokeface No No but it's true isn't it like like down the list of things they've got to represent

is Dan just wants to see lesbians on the telly that's all this is about oh yeah sorry what a shit idea that'd be how did you never

what a fucking where have I got that idea from watching Love Island with two super hot lesbians would not like Les Island

just Les Dennis did you ever see Love Island with two super hot lesbians would not like... Les Island. Just Les Dennis. Did you ever see Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? I think 40-year-old fat guys is down the list of who they need to represent. Did you ever see Queer Eye for the Straight Guy years ago? Yeah. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, where some useless cunt had four guys go, Oh my God, Steve, you need a makeover. They've done a new version of that on Netflix.

Am I getting mixed up then? What do you think Queer Eye for the Straight Guy was? I've got it mixed up then there was a game show and it was one girl and like 15 men The Bachelor no

but they were all gay except for one and if she picked a straight one they'd both win money do you know it's absolutely hilarious how far away from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy that is keeping it straight or something it was Queer Eye for the Straight Guy that is. Keeping it straight or something it was. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy was four gay people turned up at my dad's and went,

you need a fucking haircut, babe, and put a tie on. So one was like grooming, one was fashion, one was like decor, and one was like what? The lube expert. As in facial hair, not like kids. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, that grooming. One was a decor. Yeah. And one was like what? The lube expert. As in facial hair, not like kids. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, that grooming. One was a pedo.

That made it interesting. Hi, Mick. Have you got any kids? I've got little Bianca. Not interested. Playing it straight, it was called. Right. You fucking whiffed on that one, Carlos, didn't you?

I love it when I describe Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and you look to me like, what the fuck have you been watching I'm like the actual programme that's the thing about gay programmes

though they all look the same racism fucking hell look if you're thinking god it's been a weird start we've won an award

and he's had a Costa it's also I woke up in a bad mood today I'm not sleeping very well at the minute and i was just you know when you wake up a bit grumpy right i was just like and i said to carl i need to have a coffee so i had a steak bake a sausage roll i've had a coffee with an extra shot in it and we've won an award i'm ready to run a marathon and a cookie i never knew there

could be such a thing at the perfect day. And a cookie. A chocolate, hazelnut and caramel cookie from Costa. So you've got fat, salt, sugar and caffeine and fucking elation running through you. Victory. What do you think if the four gay guys came in and just what do you think they'd... Like if they were like... I think they'd be happy with me.

They're like a bear, don't they? I love your fucking confidence. It's so amazing, your confidence. Like four gay guys, they'd be like, we're coming to do Adam. They like a bear, don't they? I love your fucking confidence. It's so amazing, your confidence. Like four gay guys, they'd be like, Adam, it's going to be a really short program because everything about you just seems winner. Nobody like a hairy bear. A hairy bear.

You're not a bear though. I am a bear. You're like a cub, aren't you? A cub. He's a cub. I'm chunky and I've got this. No, but you're not big enough. You're not a bear though I am a bear You're like a cub Isn't he a cub He's a cub I'm chunky And I've got this No but you're not big enough

You're not old enough You're the cub You know like the really effeminate Camp gay guys The twinks They love getting ruined By someone like me Oh

Fucking hell I'm not What's the fucking imagery there Just like Wah Yeah That's like I get attention

In gay clubs mate Yeah Yeah Always have And attention Outside of gay clubs As well If last week's episode

Is anything to go by What was that Oh shit yeah What was What was that I love how your memory works Sorry for the second Get a fucking

So did he Get an award for that You've been to a lot of gay clubs My first ever night I was in town Was to a gay club My first profile picture on Facebook is me in a gay club You can put the picture in here Why what happened there did you get lost

No so it was my cousin Our Danny who's six months older than me It was his 18th birthday And he texted me on the day and was like lad I haven't really invited you because you're young and that

but there's a couple of other lads who haven't got ID anyway so do you want to come to town tonight we're all going to town I was like who's all he was like me and my mates

me ma couple of my aunties we're just going to town for his 18th and I was like okay sound I was coming back where was I coming back from

I'd been to Cambridge for a school like the sixth form trip that i've mentioned on the pod before i remember that one and we come back and i was like i went to my dad dad can i go to town tonight and he was like no i was like come on i'd never been before and uh he went all right sound but uh what are you gonna wear you've got to wear a shirt and that for town because my dad is 180 years old and back in his day you needed to be dressed like a fucking vicar

to get into a nightclub. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I went to town in a pair of my jeans, my dad's shirt and a pair of my dad's shoes. Oh my God. Right?

We went... How did you get in a gay club? Because I look like I was trying to attract 40-year year old business associates so we went to Mei Mei's, you know the Chinese on Betty Street and then there's loads of us

and we're walking through town and we tried to get into the Barcelona bar which isn't there anymore it's like a weird sort of quirky shop now but they said no to our Danny whose birth date it was because he didn't have ID he only had his birth certificate

and they were like this what yeah he was like they were like he doesn't got a photo on you could have brought

fucking anyone's birth certificate what the fuck's this that's amazing I got my national insurance card took his birth certificate that's mad

because he didn't have ID he'd lost his passport that's mad then we went to Smokey Moe's the one by the Adelphi as well the worst one so Smokey Moe's the one by the Adelphi as well the worst one

so Smokey Moe's there's like three or four of them in Liverpool it's a proper like you know like when your ma and da get divorced

well then they pick a Smokey Moe's each and spend the rest of their lives in these bars they're just like who's getting the telly who's getting the

fucking couch who's getting which Smokey Moe's it's so depressing I'm having Who's getting the fucking couch? Who's getting which smokey mose? It's so depressing. I'm having the one day of the Adelphi. You can have the dog if I can have Matthew Street. But they also have karaoke in them. So on my first night, I was in town.

Ah, karaoke. The last bastion of the divorce guy. Like, oh, I need to fucking sing. I did it my way. And that's why you live in a bedsit, John. Fucking hell. I did the way you make me feel by Michael Jackson And I tried to do the kick and fell over So you're dressed like you're dressed

You're about to go to a gay club And you're singing Michael Jackson songs Are you going to get repressed memories from this night? I feel like this could unfurl quite quickly I worked rogue, wouldn't I? You know like in the instrumental bit I was going, come on! Fuck Come on! Come on, Lee! Rogue, rogue, would he? You know, like in the instrumental bit? I was going, Jamon! Fuck.

Jamon! I love it. Jamon Lee! I love it when people sing instrumental when they're panicking and they say instrumental come up and they go, Instrumental.

What's your karaoke song, Dan? The Killers, When You Were Young. Jamon. Oh. Jamon. I don't know why. Jamon.

It's not even one of my favourite songs. Mine's, Jamon. Billy Ocean. Jamal. Oh. Jamal. I don't know why. Jamal. It's not even one of my favourite songs. Mine's, erm... Jamal. Billy Ocean. Jamal. What the fuck's he doing? What are you doing? He's having his little Michael Jackson moment.

Yeah, I fell over trying to do the kick. Right. Yeah. Then you got yourself up. I kissed an elderly woman. Right. And then instantly turned gay. She was probably like

45 but I was 17 holy shit yeah that's above that's like there's a margin of error isn't it

you know when there's like cracks in their lipstick you know when it's just the bits and the lives oh god have you told the the Ralph Little story

please let him finish this story though like fucking hell no we're not yet we can tell that in a minute though um it might entice them Have you told the Ralph little story? Please let him finish this story though. Fucking hell, Carl. No, yeah, we can tell that in a minute though. It might entice them onto the show actually because he can reply. Yeah, got absolutely hammered.

Kissed that woman. Went on a massive night out through wherever we could get in. And then it got to like five in the morning and there's an infamous gay bar in Liverpool called Heaven, right? And R. Sean-

There's an infamous gay bar called Heaven in nearly every town or city in Western Europe. I used to do a bit about that. My joke was, people say God's homophobic, then why is he named his kingdom after a gay club? Yeah, nice. Heaven till seven. It's open till like seven seven eight o'clock in the morning what could go wrong our sean our danny's whose birthday it was his older brother

sean is like captain gay he's the gayest person in the world yeah i love him first team gay yeah like you know sean's gay three weeks before you meet him yeah do you know i mean you just get a sense of it yeah he starts his hey his, hey! From around the corner. Yeah. And he was like, right, I can definitely get you into a gay club. And I was like, it's dead late. I'm not going to need, like, ID. And he was like, you don't need any ID to be in a gay club.

They'll let you in if you're 16, as long as you're trying to get out who you are. And I was like, okay. And he went, so, right, come here. All I can see is the bit in Shawshank Redemption, when they're like, fresh meat! Fresh meat! Allank Redemption when they're like, fresh meat! Fresh meat! All the regulars of heaven are like, fresh meat! As Adam's walking through in his weird dad shoes.

So he undone three of me buttons. Of course. It's open. If I'd pulled me t-shirt, if I pulled me shoes a bit like that, me nipples would be out. It's that, the bead open. You've already done Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

It happened to you years ago. Just unbut jump on this, a little bit of a ruffle. Yeah, he ruffled me thing and I had to link our show. And on the way in, he knew the bouncer. I remember his name.

It was Dean. He went, right Dean, just taking him in. That was it. I was in. We were there till seven o'clock in the morning.

Had a little boogie. Had a little boogie. Yeah. Gay clubs are really good. Yeah. Like they're really good especially like if you're on the pull not for men

because the women let their defences down in there okay I don't mean that yeah I get what you mean it's just like I don't mean that in like a they're not suspecting it

you can get them in a headlock and they're like oh my god is this a gay thing next minute but like you've got a wife like if you're in a gay club and you get talking to a girl you seem sophisticated you're like oh my god is this a gay thing next minute but like you've got a wife like if you're in a gay club and you get talking to a girl

you seem sophisticated you're like yeah I'm straight but I come to gay clubs I drink Smirnoff Ice I can do whatever I want this guy must be sophisticated he's got ruffled hair

and three buttons undone I was he's not a threat he's badly dressed I slept with a girl one night meeting her in a gay club I went with our dolly

and she's got a gay mate called Danny so our dolly's me other cousin I was on a night, meeting her in a gay club. I went with our Dolly and she's got a gay mate called Danny. So our Dolly's my other cousin. I was on a night out with her, her mate Danny,

her mate Amy. She was like, we're going to gay town. Do you want to come in? I was like, absolutely. And I got talking to this girl in there and we were talking for ages,

just buying each other drinks and just getting pissed and having fun. And then she went, I wish you weren't gay. And I was like, I'm not! And yeah, I went back to hers.

It was fantastic. And she was convinced. Hour and a half later, back in time. How was she talking to you going, he's definitely gay? When you're like, I fucking love LFC, mate. I was there at Sam Ball. I'm fucking nuts. She's like, this one's gay.

I mean, it's here. The sad, because I used to go, when we were clubbing in Manchester, there'd be nights where it was the only part of Manchester still open. This is before the licensing laws changed. So if you wanted to go out, you had to go to Canal Street.

You could also go to some drum and bass nights, but you literally had to pick the lesser of two evils because the drum and bass nights had some fucking Pretty heavy duty Gangs of lads Who didn't dance They just sort of Picked a corner

Of the nightclub To stare at the other gangs Yeah And then you were just like The student type In the middle like I love drum and bass And you're like

I'm gonna get fucking murdered You can tell those lads Because they don't dance With their arms Right They dance like Do you know what I mean The 50

Yeah that's not That's actually not mean like the 50 yeah that's not that's actually not bad and so we to this day dancers like this right wow like he's pounding the dick

he'd got well in the heaven he's like a baker yeah and so we we just picked the we picked the village the gay

the gay village over that a lot of the time and do you know how they call it canal street because it's got anal in it yeah that's why they yeah they named it canal canal street i can't say anal street and uh

just we used to go that was like what 21 22 and you'd be like they'd be like loads of guys like you'd be like i like trying to ignore it i think the last time I went to a gay club what was that? no but you know like we're talking about clubs that were open at six in the morning and everyone's

off their head and like oh fuck you know who's ringing you? tree surgeon you could have given us a million choices then I'm not even joking

look tree surgeon why have you got a tree surgeon? someone that I'm getting a fucking stump ground Why have you got a tree surgeon I'm getting a fucking stump ground down Anyway let me tell you about the gay club I think the last time I went to a gay club Was about 10 years ago

And I was 30 I'd put some weight on And I got no attention And it was just like We'd been going when I was 22 All thin and off my head And like dead skinny, like, oh my God, all these gay guys keep looking. And then 10 years later, they're like, oh yeah, not into it.

You found yourself like going, anybody? I'm straight, but does anyone find me attractive? Have you seen American Pie when they're the dance off? No. Stiffly has a dance off in a gay club. No. I don't remember that bit. You look like him. Stifley has a dance-off in a gay club. No. I don't remember that bit. You look like him.

Like the bear. That's me, I'm the bear. No, I think he's more of a bear, you're more of a cub. What's the difference between a bear and a cub? Age and size. You're just young. You don't take it the wrong way. I want to be a bear.

You'll get there. It'll happen. You're more of like a badger. Yeah. A badger. Yeah. I'm a badger. You'll get there. It'll happen. You're more of like a badger. Yeah. A badger. Yeah. I'm a badger. You'll get really aggressive.

You don't want me near your bins. Yeah. What the fuck are we on about? We won an award. That's the important thing. Yeah, we won an award. I mean, tracking back over the last five minutes, you'd wonder how, but we fucking have.

No, this is exactly how we want it. I'll tell a Ralph's Little Story, the Ralph Little Story of that woman. Oh. Okay. This is a fucking, this might be one of your worst, you know. This is top three.

Oh, God. So, you know who Ralph Little is? Yeah. From the Royal Family and two pints of lager and a packet of crisps. So, we'd love to have him on. We'd love to have him on we'd love to have him on we'd love to have will melder on as well who played gaz and two pints ralph little played johnny now mine and carl's friendship as we've discussed was forged in the fires of fandom of two pints of lager and a pack of crisp right and this was 2013 I think it was Forged in the fire that was so more dramatic

Forged in the fire of a love of two pints of lager and a packet of crisps Jesus Christ 2013 I was doing a five minute open spot

at the Comedy Store in Manchester yeah I turn up Ian Coppinger was comparing Tom Stade was on Adam Bloom was on Adam Bloom came out yeah on his store in Manchester. Yeah. I turn up, Ian Coppinger was comparing, Tom Stade was on,

Adam Bloom was on. Adam Bloom came out, yeah. And I can't remember the other acts, but Carl and another mate of ours, Sean, came over with me because I was doing a spot at the store, nice big thing at the time, and also Tom Stade was on

and we were all like big fans of Tom Stade. Yeah. He's a fucking great comedian. We're like, we'll go and have a night out manchester it'd be fucking great so we get there i've arranged comp tickets for carl and sean so they're in the queue to get their tickets i went downstairs into the comedy store dressing room and sat in the dressing room is ralph little now i'm fairly new to comedy at this stage and totally starstruck by like, just like, so I went, I made my excuses. I sat there for five minutes and then I went, I took a slight photo in the green room of Ralph Little and went upstairs to him and Sean, who was still in the queue to get the tickets. That's how little time I spent in the green room.

I went up and went to him, lad, guess who and he went who and i went johnny right and he went schumacher who's a lad we know and i was like no johnny so i showed him and it was roughly and his head fell off and he was like lad you've got to get him to come out with us tonight you've got to get him to come out with us and we did so later that night uh how long you've been doing standard at this point like two or three years two and a half years oh mate those moments

where you're like I definitely want to do this at the time Ralph Little was thinking about doing stand-up that's why he was there he's really good mates with Adam Bloom

so after the show Coppinger Bloom Ralph Little and us were at the bar upstairs the main bar of the Comedy Store

Manchester and people keep coming over to Ralph Little. This isn't really the story, but I want to tell this story. Yeah, I was going to say, it's a much different story. So someone comes over, people have been coming over all night

to Ralph Little to get a photo. Like, oh my God, I love you in this, I love you in that. I'd had a really good set and someone come over and tap Ralph Little on the shoulder. And he went like that. And she pushed him out the way to speak to me

and go, we're from Liverpool as well and we thought you were really good and he pretended to tie his shoes. He tried to style it out as he went from this to Hello shoes! Beautifully done. Now, one of the groups of people who come over to speak to us

was a young girl who was about 19 and her mum and dad and they were like can we come out with yous and we were like yeah of course you can we're only going

like around Deansgate so we went next door went to Rev's was it Revolution yeah because Johnny Ralph went to the dorm and like

oh like Ralph lad then he got like a big fucking entourage of us in with him yeah there was a load of us and we're all a bit pissed now and I thought what was happening was the 19 year old girl was flirting with me but then she

just gradually fucked off what and and him mom started flirting with me right so so her husband is there and this woman's like giving me the eyes and fucking like stroking my leg and that. Do you want to buy me another drink? Where's the 19-year-old at this point? She's just tapped out. She's just elsewhere in the bar. She's like, oh yeah.

Is it like in athletics when they do long distance running and they've got like a pacemaker who fucking goes and like keeps the, and then all of a sudden they just like tag out and the rest of the field run around so she's like mum what I'll do is

I'll get someone interested I'll get him on the line and then fuck off and you can move in for the kill that is exactly what happened and she's about 50 odd

by the way she's a mum no she wasn't 50 odd don't lie the girl was 20 I reckon she was 40 right

okay I do maybe did you have three buttons undone bruffled hair I think I had I reckon she was 40. Right, okay. I do. Maybe, maybe... Did you have three buttons undone, bruffled hair? I think I had a suit jacket on. I love it in comedy when you're like,

I want to be like all the other comedians. Suit jacket. I've got a blazer on, haven't I? In that picture with me and Ralph Little, I've got a blazer on and a white shirt. Court date, Adam. Here he comes. I think I had Convairverse shoes on so not quite um converse shoes so this woman's like flirting with

me right and then she goes to kiss me and her husband like she's there and her husband is where finn is and i went whoa your husband's there and she went so come over here with me she took me to the toilet and sucked me dick right so why does every story of his go up the gears that quickly you're like you're literally like tell the tale tell the tale and then the next minute she fucking knocked me out i didn't finish though right because she literally it was sort of like a it was like a little preview. That's what she wanted. So she took me to the toilet, put me dick in her mouth for five, ten seconds. Put me dick in her mouth. Right?

I'm stood outside with Ralph, and he's going. Yeah. Ralph Little couldn't believe what was happening. He was like, does this happen often? Ralph Little is on TV going, I'm in TV, and this is fucked up. Yeah, he was like, does this often happen? I was like, no. And her husband was like

well we don't go out often so we have an arrangement that she has fun when she goes out he was still there with us so I come back out the toilet by the way

fun I'm can you understand who I am in this situation I am how old am I there I'm 20 21 maybe

fresh meat right I'm two years into doing stand up I've just had a great gig At the biggest comedy club in the country One of my fucking idols Is at the gig And there's a woman who's like

I'm a sucky dick It would be very difficult in that situation to be like It is against the sanctity of marriage You are clearly in a relationship with this man I had no willpower. I'm pissed out my head. People have been buying me drinks all night. We're drunk.

I'd never been on a night out in Manchester before. I let it happen. Was there a bit of you like, Jesus, Manchester's fucking messed up, innit? I couldn't believe it was happening. And then, like, so she did that, and she went, so that's just a little preview for later, or something like that.

We go back to the bar, and she's like, buy me a drink. And I'm like, yeah, okay, I'll buy a drink. And I'm looking at Carl and he went, where have you just been? I went, just suck me dick. And he went, he turns around. For five to ten seconds. But Ralph Little's seen me say to him, just suck me dick.

And Ralph Little went, what? It's in the middle of revolution in Manchester and he's Ralph Little. He's trying to bring as little attention to himself as possible. He's a Manchester lad, famous as fuck, in this fucking revolution. We're not in VIP.

We're at the bar. The entrance is there. Like, everyone can see him. What? Right? So I went, just suck me dick. And then she starts trying to dance with me again.

She went, so are you going to come back to our hotel tonight? Because they were from like Sheffield or something. Yeah, yeah. Right? Oh, that makes sense. And I went, no, I can't go back to your hotel. And by this time, she's talking to me.

And he is there. The husband? No, Carl is there. Oh, right. Okay, sorry. And Ralph Little is there. They're like the fucking angel and devil on my shoulders. Because they're too interested in what's going on.

Yeah, but no one's playing the angel. Go on, lads. Two fucking devils. She went, coming back to our hotel. And I went, what? She went, yeah, it's just, we've got a hotel around the corner. So I was just wondering when do you want to come back?

And Ralph Little went, what about your husband? And she went, he can watch. Yeah. I felt more comfortable talking about gay clubs. This is so, what did you say? we didn't go back I was scared politely madam I genuinely thought they were going to try

and murder me I thought it was like one of those couples who kill and they use their little and they wait until someone's hanging around with a TV celebrity Jesus Christ not very subtle in Sheffield we'll go to Manchester so no one knows us And they use their little... And they wait till someone's hanging around with a TV celebrity. Jesus Christ. Not very subtle in Sheffield. Right, well, we'll go to Manchester so no one knows us.

I need to stop telling all these stories on this podcast. No, you don't. That story is too real. Oh, God. Yeah. We need to get Ralph Little on. Because I need him to verify that this is all real. Oh, this is too real. If you'd have made the story up, there'd have been a punchline.

I love it that you got to the end of it and went, I just said no thank you but that's how everyone knows it's true because it's a fucked up situation

but then like it's already weird but the reality is that you just went no I don't want to do that because what do you do if you're like

if you go back just imagine going back and like it's not even like the Malmaison, it's the fucking Travel Lodge. It was the Premier, didn't they call me?

Oh, it's fine then, isn't it? Me, her, him, Lenny. Lenny? What, and you're like, you get the key card and you go up the awkward elevator and you're like, right, mate? Good gig tonight. Thanks, pal.

Do you know Ralph Little? Uh, no. Where is he now? Good gig tonight Thanks pal Do you know Ralph Little? Er no Where is he now? He's in reception Just waiting for me And then you go in the room And like Ralph just

Anything from the minibar? Adam? Whiskey? Do you want a gin and tonic? Do you want a Kit Kat? Want a Mars bar? No? Okay cup of tea No? Well you want a Kit Kat? Do you want a Mars bar? No? Okay, cup of tea.

No? Well, you have had it with Janice. To be fair. And then you start going, and little fucking Vinnie's giving it the death, and you're like... And then all of a sudden, you just see him with his knob out,

and then he starts moving towards... Knob in one hand, then cup of tea in the other. Kit Kat on the side of the sauce is he doing a good job love happy birthday told you I'd treat you I got you an Adam roll

can you imagine if he did that you just looked over and he started going happy birthday to you you know how arrogant I am

I'd be like it's not my birthday what do you mean so that was possible at the end of that so we got in a taxi then with Ralph and dropped us off

at our hotel and he carried on we didn't have a hotel we got the first train oh yeah because we ran didn't we with that pregnant woman

different story you're fucking youth. And we were like, oh, it's lovely to meet you. And he was like, yeah, yeah. And he was like, we'll do this again.

And we were like, yeah, we will. His head fell off. Yeah. Like we showed him a night out. Yeah. He wanted to come out with us again, but it's never happened.

But we want you on the pod, Ralph. Yeah. Ralph Little or the couple from Sheffield. We'll have you on as well. If Janice's birthday's coming up, let's go to her. Just the fucking

idea of you nervously banging her and then just looking over like is he going to stay there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's just reading the paper. It's a bit weird. It's complimentary. It's from Yorkshire. Loves her free paper. And her daughter's just reading the paper. It's a bit weird. It's complimentary. It's from Yorkshire. Loves a free paper. And her daughter's just there playing Pokemon Blue.

And then you get a free breakfast out of it. Oh, God. Well, I mean, that feels like a natural spot to speak to one of our fucking sponsors. Shall we say before we go, if you are watching this as it's being released, on Friday the 20th of November

2020, we are going to be releasing exclusively on Patreon. So to start the episode, if you're new to this, you'll have seen we have a Patreon membership. On Friday the 20th of November 2020, we are releasing a lockdown locking special of this episode it's gonna be me and dan huh we're having a bevy we're getting twatted in heaven the gay club in liverpool we're recording in a gay club

we're gonna ruffle the day it's gonna be amazing and our producer carl can you imagine if we did do you want me to wear the same thing? Oh. Can you please? Just please. Can we all wear shirts? Can we all wear shirts with three buttons undone? I've already got my outfit planned. Oh, God. I need a wig.

Yeah. Are you wearing an outfit for the lockdown lock here? I've got a special shirt, yeah. It's worth saying. Carl is going to be on the couch. Carl's going to be on the couch. Everyone's been asking for it. Just get Carl on as a guest,

as if he's not a fucking permanent guest anyway. He fucking talks more than us on most of the episodes now. He's going to be on the fucking couch on Friday the 20th, isn't he? So, during the first lockdown, we did six episodes a week. We had Sundays off, because we're deeply religious.

One's for you, Grandad. And this one! Here! And on the Saturdays, just through like a relief, because we were doing an hour, an hour and a half a day

and it was full on, wasn't it? And on the Saturdays, we had a booze and they became everyone's favourite bit of that month and a half, two months.

And so we're going to try and recreate it. I'm really excited because obviously there's a lockdown and I've done fuck all. It's the closest I'll get to a night out for the whole of November, possibly December. I'm into it. And we're bringing back some features we did during lockdown.

We're going to have a proper laugh and you can only get that episode. It's not this week's Patreon episode. It's a complete bonus just to say thank you for our patrons for constantly supporting us because you make this shit happen.

You're supporting us when we don't have any other work. So, thank you motherfuckers. Patreon.com slash have a weird pod. It will go live

on Friday evening, on Friday the 20th of November. It will live on Patreon forever. Yeah, go and get it. Go and sign up now. now and also if you're not already on the patreon membership it's the best patreon membership in the game and if you haven't signed up yet you are just wasting your time and ours go and sign up motherfucker you won't regret it let's have a word from a fucking moneybags twat i can't call a sponsor on Moneybags twat.

Moneybags twat. Who do I put in there? A really friendly CBD company. Fucking Moneybags twat. We don't need your money. But we would like it. Okay, Dan's going to do the sound off from now on. Today's podcast is sponsored by SupremeCBd.uk go and check them out they're one of the biggest

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actually i don't need time so that's fine will you will you guys start reminding me just before we record to turn my phone off because that is literally the fourth time it's happened in ten episodes and it pisses me off that it's me

so if you could just go write that down Finlay phones please remind Daniel every episode because it's just I'm just I'm bugged by myself

with it yeah I couldn't think of the name you helped me what did you type in you typed in gay competition channel 4 It's just, I'm just, I'm bugged by myself with it. Yeah, I couldn't think of the name. You helped me. What did you type in? You typed in gay competition channel four. Yeah, it came up.

That was just it. We're back, by the way. Leaving that in. Oh, we're back. Back streets, back. All right. You okay? You okay?

Little dance move. Jump on. Is he all right? What, me dick? Yeah. All'll dance smooth. Is he all right? What me do? Yeah. All right, cool. Back on fine form. What did that 50-year-old do?

This came in... 40. 30. 19! Related to a 50-year-old. This came in this week. It's from a guy called Ben. Hiya, lids. Just looking for a bit of advice, really.

So I'm re-sitting my A-level second year at the minute because Rona fucked me over the last year, but I want to start doing stand-up comedy. My mum won't let me drop out of sixth form to get a nine to five so that I can pursue this and she wants me to finish my A-levels and get an apprenticeship at the power station. That's old school, doesn't it?

You'll have to get a job at fucking Mill. You want to be a clown? Not in my house! You'll go and work down the power station with your great grandad and your grandad and your dad and your son! That's literally Northern life for the last 150 years.

I'm booked in for Beat the Frog on December the 28th for my first gig ever and my mum doesn't know about it and won't let won't let me go if she finds out how do i break it to her that i want to put everything i can into stand up and not go for a high paying apprenticeship so in my head i was like where's this fucking power station uh not go for a high paying apprenticeship that i don't think i'd be happy. Cheers for the help. Love the pod. Ben. So, basically, he hasn't even tried stand-up,

but he's decided he wants to do stand-up. His mum is comedy cock-blocking him. That's a bit of a power struggle. Have you got any advice, Adam? Tell your ma, it's a swivel. Right, okay. Thanks for emailing in, Ben. Like, genuinely,

your mum has got your best interests at heart, but your ma's wrong. Is that what you think? Yeah, I do. Like, if he ends up working in a power station and never tries stand-up, or doesn't for 12, 15 years, and then he's miserable in a power station at 35 or whatever,

he's going to hate his mum. And if he ends up trying it later in life and he's good at it but he never gets the breaks because it's more of a young man's game now and whatever, he'll be like, if I'd have done it then, he'll end up resenting his ma. Your mum's wrong to try and stop you doing stand-up at all. But Adam's right. She has only got your best interests at heart

because even when I was starting out in comedy, I was like, I'm going to be a comedian. And people were like, what, as a job? And when Laura started working at the place she works at last year, they were like, and what does your husband, Dan, do? She's like, he's a comedian. And they went, what, as a job? No, I meant for money.

People don't know it's a it's a job but she's gone too hard line by going you can't do it you can't do that and you're not going down there that's where she's fucked up however the way i read this is you haven't even tried stand up yet if you can keep it a secret from your mum like you can go to gigs fucking hell like lads have been getting away with all sorts of shit for fucking years yeah i'm sure you can go to gigs fucking hell like lads have been getting away with all sorts of shit for fucking years yeah i'm sure you can get yourself to a comedy club a few times yeah cheese on your mark play yeah get sneaky get a burner phone just just try and play the game with both don't don't drop out your a levels like you can do both mate it like you should be quitting jobs and a levels when you've

done a few gigs and you're like holy fuck i can do this yeah you are right like there's a thing there's an over romanticized thing about like in comedy you just got to go for it fuck everything else but you're like mate if you if you can get more than one gig a month for the first few months you're doing really well you can't tell me in that time you can't more than one gig a month for the first few months, you're doing really well. You can't tell me in that time you can't finish an A-level. No, you should. Play the game a little bit. Be smart.

Have a backup is always a good option. However, I'm the wrong person to really give the right advice on this because I feel like I wasted my time with my A-levels. And A-levels are very stressful. I'm not trying to give someone badlevels. And A-levels are very stressful. I'm not trying to give someone bad advice here. They're very, very, very stressful. And I resent the school system and how drilled it, especially if you're clever, like me and Carl were at school,

we were in the same classes, and it was drilled into us. Your only option is university. And to get to university, you've got to absolutely smash these GCSEs so that we'll let you do A-levels. And you've got to absolutely smash these A-levels. That's all that matters. And if this is not good, your life is over. And the pressure that they put on teenagers, 15, 16, 17, 18-year-olds

at GCSE and A-level is counterproductive, disgusting. And it's led by a lie. Like, a lot of my mates who went to university have now got less happy lives and less paid jobs than people who just decided to go another way. So I think if he's a clever lad and he's got an opportunity to finish these A-levels, especially if you've already sat two years of them, my advice personally would be, persevere. Get them in the bag so you've got them there. I did that. I've got A-levels

there, so if I ever want to fuck stand up off and go back to university and do a maths degree, I can do that and you should give yourself that option. However, I still, like... It's not one or the other. Your advice is like, what should I do? And you might be shit.

It's not one or the other. But that's what is the unromantic thing to say about this situation. You love stand-up. You might be the next Adam Rowe in five, ten years. There's not many fucking Adam Rowe's. Like, there aren't many comics. No, but it's true, isn't it? As much as it fucking hurts me to say no,

but I'm, it's like, give it a go. Like with anything, like you can do both. You're not going to start comedy. Like people have got this weird perception, even mates of ours who were like,

I need to turn pro. Cause then I'll get more gigs. You're like, you won't. Nope. That's not how it works. It's not like the comedy industry goes. Yeah,

we would book so-and-so, but it's a full-time job like it doesn't work like that you get the gigs that you're good enough to get there are thousands of young guys not even young like at beat the frog it's people from all walks of life there's some older people trying to stand up there's a lot of competition for spots you can do both of these things we're not saying you can do that do the power station not even just the a levels he could do the power station you could be an apprentice in a power station and still gig i yeah ps you're gonna hate the nine to five yeah like it's just another job but you're gonna need money yeah because the gigs that you're gonna be doing we don't know where you're based to say what he's based no like they're not you're not

just somewhere northern yeah you can get a job at the power station it's not richmond upon thames it's a power station yeah like you're not every gig is going to be 10 minutes away when you start stand up you're going to be sometimes you're gonna have to get a train or be in the car for two and a half three hours and you're not even getting your petrol money yeah and also have a job get yourself a car your mom will be like you're doing so well you're really even getting your petrol money. Yeah, and also, have a job, get yourself a car. Your mum will be like, you're doing so well, you're really being... That's amazing that you've funded a car. Fund the car for the gigs, because Christ, that makes life easy. It really does.

I didn't drive for like eight years of stand-up. Oy! It was very, very difficult. Did you ever have to get to Nottingham? Yeah, I hate getting to Nottingham. It's really difficult to get to Nottingham. I know. I feel like Nottingham's haunting you worse than the fucking

50 year old you fingered but you need I thought you might miss that I didn't finger that I know I know I'm fucking about I know

but you're gonna need to fund being a comedian at first you don't get paid and unless you're fucking brilliant it could be 3, 4, 5 years

before you get even your expenses it's a very competitive market so just be smart be smart like I love it when people love comedy this much it could be 3, 4, 5 years before you get even your expenses, it's a very competitive market, you need to be on the side be smart, like I love it when people love comedy this much but there is a way of doing it where you get to do it

and also just cover some bases so that if you meet a girl or you meet someone you like, you can take them out because you've got money, you might even start getting paid work from stand up while you're still working and then you've got two fucking wages like it can be quite sweet if you play it right and do you know what you can do as well and this will your mum won't thank me for saying this but you can prioritize stand-up while still having the power plant job the paid

apprenticeship if you start getting more and more gigs what i did and the the bars i worked in won't thank me for saying this was if i because the power plants i imagine is mainly day work i don't know but i'm assuming so my part-time job was bar work i worked in bars and that massively clashed with stand-up so what i started doing was if i got offered a gig on a night i had a skit uh a shift scheduled i just took the gig and turned up late i went sorry i had a gig and i knew that these bars needed staff and i was a fucking good member of staff so they were like before it's getting a bit much this ad you can't just turn up late all the time and i was like well i can because if you sack me i'll just take this fucking great cv i've

got and go and get a job in the bar next door i'll be fine This is just a fun stand-up. You can sort of take the piss a bit with the power plant job. Like, start, like, edge it out. And if they fuck you off, hope you're in a position where you've got enough from stand-up. As you're earning money from stand-up, give less and less of a shit about the power plant job.

Slowly fuck it off and forge your career if you're good at it. But there's every chance that you think you're funny and you're not. Or it might take a while for you to choose. It's so easy to be like, it's all or nothing. You've got to follow your dreams. You also need money for the pub.

You also need to live somewhere and have some fucking money for clothes. Like some of the greatest artists, comedians, rock stars, when they were starting out- Were homeless and naked. Were homeless and naked. Yeah, and that's, youians, rock stars, when they were starting out... Were homeless and naked. Were homeless and naked. Yeah, and that's, you know, the Freddie Mercury story. Am I right?

But, I mean, you just, you can be smart. I love that one. I feel like I'm willing him on. Yeah. Let us know how the first gig goes, Ben. I'd love to hear that it's ball roll. Can you imagine if we're like, lads, I fucking smashed it.

I did five minutes at the chuckle hut, I fucking smashed it. I did five minutes at the chuckle hut and I fucked everything off. I'm naked, homeless. I might text Jess at the frog in a minute and if she hasn't got a comp hair for that day

so I'm going to ask her to do it and meet him. Oh my God, yeah. Yeah. What if I'm comp hair in his first beat at the frog? Yeah. Oh my God.

Give him a proper Why do I feel really... Give him a mad introduction. Listen guys, give this guy at least Two minutes here Because his life is on the line

His ma's gonna kill him Johnny used to work On the block Union's been on strike His mum's a pain In the dick Yeah Apart from the

I say this Give it all a go But don't start a fucking podcast Yeah That's closed That shop's closed Yet Ever

Podcasts are done Thank you now you can start whatever podcast you want now because we're not just in the normal podcast game we're an award winning podcast until

you've won an award we don't give a fuck what you've got to say keep your fucking non-award winning podcast you fucking bitch so good luck Ben is what I think

I wanted to get across there at the end union's been on strike it's down and it's like, uh-uh. You got something else? Do you want to pick one out?

Yeah, go on. This is from Dan Jay. Dan Johnson, that'll be. Yeah. Hiya, lads. If your dick made a sound every time it got hard, what would you choose? Jamone! Jamon!

Jamon! I'd go for La Cucaracha. La Cucaracha. When he says every time it gets hard, is it just it's hard one? Or when your dick's twitching, is it constantly making the noise again? No, no, it's just from, you know, just as you reach 100% erection, you get like the, you know on the adverts there's the... But sometimes it goes down a little bit, doesn't it?

But it's only gone down to like 95 and then it's back up to 100. Is it making another noise again there? Why are you making out that your dick's like a hip-hop hydraulic car? It is. It is? What? Can't you maintain an erection of it? No, you just...

I can, yeah. You love saying that out loud. But it just drops, like it goes up and down, doesn't it? As you're getting a bit of foreplay. When you're riding around south central LA. Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. Guess who's back? La, la, la, la, la.

It's the motherfucking... You've got to knock a little switch here. Roadie! You know if someone's feeling all over you, you get really hard and then she'll touch another bit and it goes, what, again? Adam, are you just making up dick stories? No. Do you really get... Do you get an erection and then it gets...

But how bad is your ADD that your dick gets bored of being erect? It's like, oh, fucking hell, we're not doing it. No, it's just like, you know, it's not like 100, 98, 100, 98, 100, 98, depending on where she's touching. If it's in her vagina, then yeah, it's good to go for a bit. In a mouth. It doesn't get bored in there. No, it likes it in there.

In a married woman from Sheffield's mouth, five to ten seconds. It's a Roslisberger. Like a Roslisberger. In the microwave. I'd have the you know the Intel Pro inside that's on every advert for computers

that'd be amazing yeah just because she knows she's got a fucking processor if your if your missus is like touching you all over

are you just one setting and it doesn't move at all yeah salad and salad like a wrap because I'm not 40 i can maintain an erection yeah you think you can i'm 40 in march so yeah i'm not 40 either fucking old so your dick is as

hard as it gets before she's even touched it no if she's if she's doing the yeah then yeah he's ready to go. Right. And it doesn't change at all when she starts touching him. Why would it? Because it should. What? What do you mean? An erection's an erection. Why is there seven stages of an erection?

Shame, guilt, fucking... Mine's like a Pokemon. It evolves as the levels go up. That's mad. So you're not fully turned on. So you're not fully turned on. I'm just a charm alien. That's mad.

Switches her. So it's like chubby. Like semi. No. It's like mostly there, but then there's an extra level where it's like, what? Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like a power up. Yeah. It's not like as hard as it gets until it needs to be, is it? That's mad though. No. All right, so your dick has a standby mode. Yeah, it does

it honestly great to know yeah yeah can we have a question that's not about his knob yeah i've got a question i think i literally visualize his dick twice a week and it's it's a lot have you ever had the death row question no okay well maybe have you had the mail question i think so i'm not sure, though. What's the question? Well, I was thinking of a question. If you found out the other person had been arrested and put on death row, what would you think they'd done? If I found out he'd been put on death row?

So you don't know what he's done, but Dan's on death row, he's been convicted, but you don't know what would you think it was for? It's more difficult my way. You've killed people. And I'd be like, oh, he hasn't. It'd be like, oh, inevitable. It'd be like oh he hasn't it'd be like oh inevitable be like it was going to happen for me like you'd be like i can't believe it i'd be like i really wanted to do the pod for longer till he's till he went on a killing spree sorry so

the question is so if you find out adam's been arrested yeah convicted he's fucked but you didn't know what it was what would you think he'd done murder yeah murder i yeah well it'd have to be murder wouldn't you not get death row for fucking robbing a fucking car let's not say death row he's been arrested and he's been sent down what's he what's he done what do you think he's done hit and run in a volvo i'd be the first person to ever do a hit and run in a volvo we fucking, we, grandad's slow. Nice and slow. Don't scratch the body work.

If I hit someone, I'd be like, for fuck's sake, paint work. Well, let me just flip the question a bit then, because it's hard for me to answer this, because I haven't really got an answer. So what could you see yourself getting sent down for? Like, what would make you snap? If the... Because I could kill people.

I absolutely accept that. If the Amazon stroke Hermes stroke DPD driver parks his fucking van on my grass verge in the middle of winter and fucks up

the front of my grass one more time, I think I might go down for taking a parcel and shoving it right up his fucking arse. Leave my grass alone. That winds me up. I genuinely feel these weird things like...

You are 104 years old. I know. I don't know when it happened, but if Laura's like, I've slept with someone, I've taken a lover, I'd be like, you've got needs, love.

But if the DPD driver fucks up my lawn cha upset me um just a woman's you know i'd be a bit disappointed right now you know because she's now post baby you had the baby she's nearly four months pregnant i would say it's a little bit selfish She was like Dan I know I'm really uncomfortable But this is Devante Do you reckon If she fucked

Chester Do you reckon if she fucked someone now I'd be a bit annoyed Do you reckon it's possible For them to turn that into his baby Yeah okay and we're back to... I like that. You know when you're like, well, I was good at school.

Not in biology. No, but like, you had the new baby. Happy, healthy. You said, okay. Bit down the line, yeah. The baby's one. Everything's all right. All right, cool.

She's like, look, Dan, I'm sorry. It's just, I love you. I want to keep the house. I want to raise these kids together. I don't want them to come up from a broken home. However, I've met this guy and I really just want to ride him like a fucking rodeo. Yeah, as long as he's not the DPD driver, I might be into it. Yeah, but you can't fuck anyone.

It's just there. Oh, how does that work? Because she's just had your child. She's entitled. Yeah, and she's just had a dick. She's going to have all the children she wants if she's taking the dick. I'm trying to get a girlfriend. Mr. Dan, Mr. Dan.

Is that it, fella? Mr. Dan, Mr. Dan, I come to fuck Laura. Mr. Dan, I'm going to be your girlfriend now. You really, really... I also know how to restore That's what he's going down Human trafficking Of Thai cleaners

That he wants to fuck in the arse That was Welsh Human trafficking of Welsh cleaners I've come all the way from Wrexham He's Welsh This is very offensive to him and his people He looks really gutted By the way that's Finn Our intern He's Welsh. Yeah, this is very offensive to him and his people. Oh, yeah, he looks really gutted.

By the way, that's Finn, our intern. Adam killed the other one, and that's why he's been going to prison. Yeah, I could see you trafficking, actually. I could see Laura giving you a pass. And I've got an estate. I've got the room and the boot, haven't I? Yeah, but what I mean is, like, I think... Every Volvo you see, human trafficker. But I wouldn't dismiss that

if I found out like let's say this is two years down the line Hathaway it's flying you've been talking to Lauren you're like look love I'm not having enough sex here and she's like I get it

I want to raise the kids with you but you go and get yourself a girlfriend and you go on Tinder and fucking match.com and eHarmony you're defo an eHarmony guy and you're just getting

rejected left right and centre no one wants to be involved I can see you going to Iw a tie bride.com yeah and getting arrested for importing asian women i could see that if you told me if you rang me in two years and went lad you know laura gave dan a pass yeah well he's just being arrested don't know what we're gonna do about the pod because he's he's been like they caught him at fucking the Albert Dock in Liverpool getting some fucking Thai woman off a boat

I would not of which boat the famous Bangkok to fucking Liverpool the yellow Dock bus

mate we are leaving a yellow submarine we're going to see Mr. Dan we're going to do all. Dan we're going to do all the cleaning

we're going to do all the cleaning Mr. Dan I don't want to restore the lawn if that happened I wouldn't be going to you like

what no you'd never think Dan I'd be like oh fuck of course yeah

so it'd be that what do you think about traffic what about me what have you found out about Binton you definitely killing him

killing him I'm what you could murder people mate you are you're honestly in each other's lives the most likely to murder each other

yeah when you two kick off and start talking you've told me I'm quite squeamish though you have told me before how you plan to murder someone

because you've watched murder documentaries no I did criminology why haven't we got the camera on call for this fucking hell

I studied criminology you told me that this is the camera on call for this? Fucking hell. I studied criminology. You told me that what you... This is a direct quote. He went, if you want to murder someone and get away with it, you just pick a random person, murder them and never go back. Yeah.

Just pick someone who you can't be tied to. You just go and kill them. And then fuck off. No, you don't. So what you're saying is to get away with murder, you've just got to have no motive or reason. The only reason you kill is to have the sensation

of murdering someone yeah and you hit them with a piece of frozen meat Carl you're a reasonably intelligent person but you're sounding like a Pierre Norbert on that one

no you hit them with a piece of frozen meat over the head kill them defrost them like a lamb just take them to the fucking nearest farm feed all the pigs eat lamb. Cook it. Just take it to the fucking nearest farm. Feed all the pigs.

Eat the weapon. Exactly. No, eat other things. Have a roast in it. I knew you wouldn't let a leg of lamb go by, would you? No. Little bit of extra skull. That's good for you.

Ruffage. That better. Do you think you could hit someone hard enough with a piece of meat? And I'm not talking about your 90% hard dick. Yeah, you get a big fucking massive sausage. A leg of lamb. I could fucking

absolutely cave your head in with a leg of lamb. Do you reckon? Yeah. Yeah. You get one shot. You don't get repeated shots. You fucking do.

Why don't I? You're going to kip after the first one. What situation in my life are you getting a fucking happy Gilmore running fucking

swing with a leg of lamb so right I've planned to kill you talk me through it I come in sometimes when I get here

you're hoovering so you're like bent over to you that's why I need a girlfriend the hoover where is Ron Corn the hoover The hoover Where is Ron Conn? The hoover's blocking your hearing

I come behind you Fuck off Squat you over the back of the head With a leg alarm And you're not like Dead yet But you're like Oh what the fuck was that?

Another swipe Bang Now you're all discombobulated You're on the floor And then you just keep going Just keep going with the leg alarm Yeah Yeah And take it back And do some fucking Dauphinoise potatoes Yeah you know the problem With this one is and bobby laser you're on the floor and then you just keep going just keep going with the leg of lamb yeah yeah

and take it back and do some fucking dauphinoise potatoes yeah you know the problem with this one is you've eaten the weapon but you've left me in the studio

yeah but then I come in three days later and I'm like Dan and then everyone on the block is like oh is Dan dead Adam sounds really surprised

and then police watch and then and then the the police watch or listen to at least two episodes that's all it would take and be like

guys I think we've got a fucking suspect if if I ever do that then you can't use this as evidence it's entrapment you're just using words

you're asking entrapment clever clever I don't know how the police made me do 98 episodes of a fucking podcast but

they knew what I was capable of what the fuck is this entrapment it's just you being a wally you can't confess and then say

this is how I would kill my podcast partner check it out live on YouTube can't wait for this drink tomorrow when he really

loosens up Have you ever broke the law Dan? Have I ever broke the law? Broke the law of course he has What? What do you mean? He's told us about On every episode of this

He mentions how many fucking ounces of Columbian margin pile that he's put up his nose Has he ever broken the law? Personal use isn't really breaking the law is it? It's a civil law I mean like Personal use't really breaking the law is it's a civil law i mean like personal use isn't breaking the law

it's against the law you don't go to cocaine you don't go to prison for sniffing loads you get a caution or a fine but it's not like a you're not going to

get convicted for caution a caution that doesn't lead to anything else though is a bit useless hey you shouldn't be doing that possessions the the

law breaking not the doing it's nine tenths of the law possession exactly exactly so doing it isn't against the law you're going to go to not the doing it it's nine tenths of the law possession exactly so doing it isn't against the law you're going to go to jail for doing drugs

it's entrapment every time I did coke it was because the police were trying to get me to do coke for them to tell a podcast audience

that I was doing coke to put me in prison entrapment you fucking 5-0's fucking clever mate have you ever broke the law I suppose then

yeah have you you've done speeding you've sped done speeding went to buy some pills when I was off my tits in Newcastle once

that was pretty against the law there you go I was like driving's easy we got there and back probably the best driving I did

bought 10 pills would have gone to prison for quite a while. If we'd have been stopped. Stupid. Have you been poor? Do you still go out? No. Because we're ending gay clubs in cars on the way to Sunderland to buy pills.

I don't know, have I? You know, have I? I mean, I've gone 31. Oh, shut up, you fucking rat. No, you've absolutely dragged the car. You were driving on the wrong side of the road last week. I was. You were driving on the wrong side of the road and didn't even realise.

For about 20 yards. Nearly killed us. For about 20 yards. In someone else's car. About four and a half miles, it was. It was someone else's car as well. Yeah, it was someone else's car. Have you?

I've sped. You've shoplifted. You've admitted you've shoplifted. I've shoplifted a few times. Oh, there you go. So have you. There you go. You've shoplifted. Yeah, You've shoplifted. You've admitted you've shoplifted. I've shoplifted a few times. Oh, there you go. So have you. There you go. You've shoplifted.

Yeah, I've shoplifted. By accident. Yeah? Yeah. Done a bit of... Out of all of the things that have been said in this whole hour of mental, I'm still worried about your hydraulic dick what do you mean i just don't think

that's normal that it's like no it's not like that it's just need to steal some viagra no like so a girl's touching you all over so my dick's ready to go but then when she gets hold of it it gets that last little extra that's my time Right, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm ready to go. He's ready to go now. If she's aware my penis exists. Well, that's a problem. If Serica's in the postcode...

Not now, but I'm saying if we're fucking in the environment where it could happen, if she's looking fire like she always is. It's literally the difference of seeing like 99 and 100%. It's just an extra... Oh, we're going. Right. Kevin Webster. Hey.

Yeah. So your dick's got. Listen up, everyone. I'm ready to go. Your dick's got. Put me in your mouth. Oh, God. Make me cum.

Oh, God. Every day. When in doubt. Yeah. When in doubt, do Kevin Webster. I'm not doing this for something. Award winning podcasters. I'm not doing this for something. Award winning podcasters. I'm not doing this

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Go wet those weeds. It's not a rash, it's more like a lump. Yeah. Welcome back. What? Fuck you. What? Go on.

You asked. Yeah. Yeah. It's like itchy, but like there's definitely something under the skin. It's nice to be single again, isn't it? Welcome back to the second half of the show. We've got Stephen Trice back in studio.

Hi. I went too loud. Thanks for coming back in. Thank you for having me. Let's get excited. Hey! How are you? You all right, lads?

You good? Yeah, good, good. You comfy enough there? I really am. I love what I've done with this. Most people don't bother with the pillows, but you're... Yeah, winter weight I just thought I'd do this

do you have a safety blanket do you have a comfort blanket that you sleep with no just a girlfriend what's your little nickname for a blanket yeah I was going to say

something rude then but I was oh my god this is definitely another podcast keep your smut off our YouTube channel. Uh, no,

I don't, I don't, we have shit nicknames. Like, she, about once a month, you know, she goes through this,

obviously a period, but then she goes through this phase where, she goes, no baby voice. Cause, she does this baby voice all the time. Yeah. And then, cause she's doing it. all the time yeah and then because she's

doing it i just copy and then she's like stop doing that i hate it but i'm like you do it so then we sort of pavlov dogged it and uh and whenever we did it we just throw a wet paper towel in each other's face and she kept getting pelted because you know she was doing it sort of steve and i did i did a little cuddle yeah i caught you doing that last week didn't i you had a voice note off laura and it was all done i'm really sorry but i think i've done this but i don't i don't know what anyone expects you to like your partner but she was like babe could you do the thing and the thing and i was like gosh i'm trying to turn the volume down because i was like this is a private voice yeah i am my first girlfriend my first serious one

her name was Sophie. We used to do that a lot, and she had to tell me off at one point because when I'm hungover, which you haven't really seen me properly hungover yet. A couple of times I've been hungover on the pod. But you make yourself out as a horny little sex pest gremlin. I'm a horny sex pest gremlin who wants to watch weird shit on YouTube, but I've also, every form of social awareness goes out the window,

and I was hungover in hers, in the living room, with her, her mum and her stepdad. And she went, what do you want for dinner? And I went, I don't know, babe. I just don't know. I just don't know what I want. And she went, what are you doing? And I was like, I don't know.

And then about half an hour later, I did it again. And she pulled me to one side, listen, and I was like, we need to just do that when it's just us. And I was like, I'm so sorry. I do that though. I'm not hungover. Her house, yeah. Yeah, our nickname at the moment is,

it's chicken or something. Chicken? Yeah, so she calls me chicken. Is it, oh, chicky. That's it, yeah. Chicky. Yeah, I don't know what stage that is of the nickname, but...

I've called her that. Have you got a nickname for your... Or has Laura got one for you? The White Hammer. And that implies there's been a black hammer in the past. And he was just the hammer. Shout out to Marcus. The White Hammer. and he was just the hammer this is just for distinction

shout out to Marcus the white hammer you know unsurprisingly she has never accepted that as a nickname I've pushed for it

several times but yeah thing we call each other thing because we do the baby voice and go

thing we're coming to add it up foot rub thing and you're like yeah alright pathetic now I'm saying it with the lads I'm like and go, thing? We're coming to add a little foot rub thing. And you're like, yeah, all right. Pathetic.

Now I'm saying it with lads, I'm like, ah, it's fucking pathetic. But at the time, I'm like, it's lovely. Will you call me

the white hammer? She's like, no. I'll call you the pink menace. Jade used to call me Big Daddy Addy. Wow. No.

Josh did. Because this is going to hurt and I know it's hurt. She fucking never. What's really funny is one of our mates at school, Josh, did used to call me Big Daddy, hadn't he? Have you ever had nicknames? Have you ever had nicknames out of a relationship? What was your...

Thigh Eye. Thigh Eye? Bog Eye. Yeah, Bog Eye. Very less original than that one. That wasn't personal to relationship. What was your... Thigh Eye. Thigh Eye. Bog Eye. Yeah, Bog Eye. Very less original, that one. That wasn't personal to me. That was just anyone with this eye. Porky.

I tried to establish that one for myself. Fat Cunt Who We Ate. Fat Cunt Who We Ate. 260. 260. No, that's enough. What was it? When you just...

Don't want no more. I don't want no more. Yeah. I forgot that we've done... Me auntie's a stylist. Me auntie's... he's got all of the fuck so what happened was i went into year nine and i gelled me up like the empire state building not the empire state building the statue of liberty yeah um the empire state

doesn't have a head i've done this at the front like with and wet look gel like like like mckenzie from blazing squad right like that at the front and everyone in school was like what the fuck's going on with your head and I said well

fucking joke's on you because me auntie's a stylist and she said it looks good and that isn't true my auntie's not a stylist I just wanted to get out that was in year 9

my brain went tell them your auntie's a stylist stylist i just wanted to get out that was in year nine my brain went tell them your auntie's a stylist and the bullying will stop and then that became my nickname oh that's good though yeah and 260 was a it was own clothes day and i went in in this uh i had combat pants and a zip-up jacket that i'd got from hugo boss and a t-shirt from hugo boss and me mates were like you look fucking ridiculous and I was like, fucking joking that's from Hugo Boss, this costs £260

£260, to this day that's my name if anything costs £2.60 or £2.60 or that number comes up for any reason, I'm on a nice house they will do that voice £2.60 we've got emails going, to the lads

in 260. How much is that pint of Carlsberg? 260! We were talking about on the phone before. Yeah, there was a girl in our sixth form whose nickname was on the phone. Slash Katie sucking a dildo. Because in sixth form

we were an all boys school but the sixth form had girls in. and that meant people came to our school who had no friends and didn't know anyone and it was full of teenage lads and this girl just didn't

want to speak to everyone so she was just always like pretending to be on the phone so her nickname became on the phone and then she sent a video of herself sucking a dildo

to a lad so she got a second nickname Katie sucking a dildo how's that gonna work did you have any nicknames at school did you ever suck a dildo at school

yeah I had the the nickname Teddy Bear and weirdly enough a lad who called me that was Connor Cody who

plays for England what Connor Cody the fuck yeah you were in school with Connor Cody yeah

he was two years above me and all his mates fancied my sister you know she developed early and not my words

prank my father things you should never say about your sister to camera she developed early why did I point as well

otherwise this may be weird early my sister sister to camera. She developed early. That's the point as well. Otherwise, this may be weird. Early bloomer. My sister, tits at ten. Oh. Oh. Ten. Oh, did I go too far, did I? Tits.

It's because it's got a T in it. You need alliteration on it. It's not funny. Tits are too young, that ear. Tits are 22. No, 13. 13? Yeah. I had to put an accent on. No, do accents. alliteration on it's not funny Tits are 22 Tits are 22 no 13 13 I had to put an accent on

you know do accents so yeah they fancied her and then she was for some reason she pointed out

I was her brother and I had dead fluffy hair and I never put gel in it and I was yeah teddy bear so they used to just stroke my hair

and call me teddy bear oh for the love of god England international yeah just because they wanted to bang your sister it's not the it's not the most brutal story in it like that the fact they wanted to bang your sister like oh my god teddy bear it's not the worst no i used to because i was a little fat kid so i'd take that yeah teddy bear is not as bad as it is i don't want that one developed late filled out early. I had tits as well, to be fair.

Tits at three. Did anyone else famous go to your school? A few rugby players, because it was St. Helens, and then... Who else was there? There was a lad who played for Wigan called Tim Chow, and then, weirdly enough, I was in New York, in Tiffany's, I think it was. Did you have breakfast?

That's just what I do. Jesus Christ. Call me. Nothing but tits. So I got in the lift, and then there's another couple in it, and the guy who was working the lift he went

how are you from where are you from I said England and he went alright what about you to the other couple and they went yeah same and I looked at him

and I was like that's Tim Chow from my school fuck off dead weird yeah speak to him what it's only better

fuck off you didn't go mate I know we're in New York in Tiffany but I think I went in New York in Tiffany but I think I went to your school in St. Helens

blows my mind stuff like that like you know if you imagine the human race as a bunch of atoms right what the fuck

and then like but the fact that like you and him were in school at one point together and then you've both gone off on your lives like two atoms

just buzzing around going fucking everywhere and then a lift in New York it's just weird that you've both gone off on your lives, like two atoms just buzzing around, going fucking everywhere. And then, poof, a lift in New York. It's just weird that you've met again. Yeah. Like, when I bump into someone I haven't seen for ages, like, I went to Ikea a couple of months ago. A lad I used to play footy with was in the parking spot in front of me.

I was like, how? The statistical improbability of this happening. Where was the Ikea? Warrington? Yeah. Tiffany's was in New York. You're like, I can't believe it believe it's fucking 12 miles from me out he's in tiffany's how awkward are british people he's like where are you from oh i'm from england

as well you're like yeah you went to school with me i went it's just gonna be too awkward to say just fucking ride it out pretend not to know each other don't they yeah remember heidi yeah so she used to work in blue ink in liverpool one where i used to get i used to wear these t-shirts on stage that would they were so bad looking back like i can't believe i ever wore them it was like they had like jokes on them so it was like the audience but there's one that said drink triple c double act single and I had

murder with my girlfriend at the time also Sophie I mentioned before because she was like you can't

be wearing a t-shirt that says act single I was like stop being fucking mental one of them was if you're

happy and you know it show your tits and he'd walked on that lately

I'm gonna print what that's what we're wearing tomorrow for the lockdown if you're happy fucking brilliant do you reckon that would do well in today's

current climate if you walked out on stage that's probably why there's a few comedians who think I had sexist ideas when I was young why did I bring that up what? blew it Heidi thank you.

Yes, thank you. She worked it and I knew her and she knew me. And I would go in and be served by her and we would both pretend that we didn't know each other. It's just weird, isn't it? Because it was easier. It's just like, yeah, let's just pretend I don't know your name, you don't know mine.

And then we ended up going on a few dates. Never went anywhere. But no anger? No, like, you know, it's don't know your name, you don't know mine. And then we ended up going on a few dates. Never went anywhere. But no anger. No like, you know, it's not like an old enemy where you're like. No. It's just like. Because everyone needs small talk, don't they? What are you doing?

You're not asked, but you've got to ask. What are you doing? I broke the silence at one point. Like I went, you're Heidi, aren't you? And she went, yeah, are you Adam? I was like, yeah. We had to just pretend that we hadn't known for the three years i was shopping in this place yeah we went on a few dates in the end and then never went anywhere she lives in

canada now she's a citizen of canada a citizen yeah she's got citizenship wow yeah how'd you get that you have to marry someone or no you think you just have to live there and then really want to stay that's the that's the citizenship test you just apply for it I don't know you have to pass the Canadian test killer bear the Canadian test is not as rigorous

as some of the other places because you want to live here eh it's sort of like they've got loads of space yeah Australia's the same yeah yeah

what Australia's big yeah yeah yeah but you can't live with everyone else you've got to live over there that's the thing

Canada can't say we can't let you in we haven't got room there's no room we can say that here it's fucking chocker sometimes especially Christmas Eve

and that Liverpool one it's fucking busy Canada's version of Liverpool one fucking massive and there's no one there yeah Greenland's pretty fucking

there is a British citizenship test. Yeah. Do you want to see if you pass it? Yeah. Okay. Can you pass it?

No. Okay. What was the last battle between Great Britain and France? Right. Okay. See, this is what

annoys me about citizenship tests, right? You don't need to know that, do you? No one needs to know. The Napoleonic Wars.

So it's Trafalgar, Waterloo, Hastings, Agincourt. Waterloo. Agincourt. I thought it was the Hastings one. 1066. Yeah, I'm going to go with Hastings. Waterloo's like... It's Waterloo.

Yeah. Waterloo's the Abba song, innit? That's it, yeah. That was question two. Yeah. It actually is. Favourite Abba song. Yeah. Waterloo. question too yeah it actually is favorite abbasong yeah what's your favorite uh train station in

london um what's the other question carl come on you said it was there yeah i'm trying to get the funny ones there's some bollocks one who is the head of the church of England the queen she isn't even a fucking option the archbishop of Canterbury oh he's an option Desmond 2 it's not

that's wrong it's the queen Desmond 2 oh it's the monarch sorry it's the monarch sorry oh Adam

lad come on get me a fucking visa lad I'm getting deported here's one when is Christmas deported from Canada. When's Christmas Day?

When's Christmas... When is Christmas Day? Yeah. The 25th of December. Correct. Hey, if we're lucky this year, hey. When I get a Christmas... Bit of fucking politics, lad.

Racial crime and smoking in public are examples of... Racial crime and smoking in public. Living in Middlesbrough. Racial crime. Not racism. Just vaguely racial crime. Racial crime and smoking in public are examples of? What are the options? Criminal or civil offences?

Civil. They are civil offences. Are not criminal really smoking in public is not a criminal offence is it apparently it is in Canada

we're all shit citizens yeah we're not because we don't fucking live in Canada what's the Scouse this is the UK oh the Scouse

citizenship test what's the Scouse citizenship test what colour's your bin can you say citizenship what's purple are you famous for oh feeling up muscles bam yes yeah you're in you're halfway there what color has you been steven

what's the official home of the prime minister uh over here this has all been the number 10 downing street lads come on that's that's a tap in oh i thought you were giving us the canadian one so why did you say the queen then because the queen is the head of the fucking you you asked of the church of england in canada you missed it you missed the part of church of england over there we used to be involved. Oh, fuck that off. Hang on, there's one more.

What type of character was played by Charlie Chaplin? A superhero? A tramp? A bandit? Or a scientific genius? A bandit. Tramp. A tramp, was he?

Yeah. You're going to go arse bandit? Yeah. Arse bandit. It was a tramp. Dan's the only Brit here. Why is he wearing a suity? Yeah. Arse bandy. It was a Trump. Silent woman. Dan's the only Brit here. Why is he wearing a suit then? Yeah, we're not English.

I've walked past loads of them. They're not wearing suits. Why are you all looking at me? Like I represent 1930s silent film homeless people. I think it's something to do with the Great Depression, actually. We were discussing on last week's episode, like... Ground bin. Fucking hell. That's one, sir. I remember being on a bus once in Liverpool, we were discussing on last week's episode like brown bin fucking hell

I remember being on a bus once in Liverpool and these lads were bullying their mate because he had a brown bin and they remember it distinctly because they kept going

you've got a brown bin maroon maroon for the whole journey because he lived in Sefton yeah what would be on the scouse test colours your bin who's purple ackee what colours your bin who's purple ackee Stephen French's nickname because he lived in Sefton ooh yeah what would be on the Scouse test colours you been

who's Purple Hockey what colours you been who's Purple Hockey Stephen French's nickname yeah what's Stephen French's nickname oh I know he says

rattle in the cage he does say that do you know what Stephen French's nickname is the devil oh the devil yeah yeah because he said

he said on an episode of was it Ross Kemp Danny Dyer he'd go up to people and he'd rob them with his like balaclava on Yeah. Because he said that in an episode of, was it Ross Kemp? Danny Dyer. He'd go up to people and he'd rob them with his balaclava on. But then he didn't need it. He robbed drug dealers.

Robbed drug dealers and he'd take it off and go, it's the devil, what are you going to do? Has he been shot, that guy? It was his version of Kevin Webster. Hey! Do you know the name of the two gangs that Ross Kemp interviewed in Ross Kemp on Gangs in Liverpool? Oh, you told me this as well. The Noggy Dogs.

Oh, nice. Not far off. No, you give him that. Nogga Dogs, yeah. What's the other one? The Dovecot Darers. Oh, yeah. Dovecot Bad Boys.

The Purple Binakis. The Dovey Doves. binakis the dovey doves it's the dovey doves the cocky ass the old wear white it isn't the dovey doves it's the dovey doves it's the dovey doves

I can't even play a lot it's not the oh fucking hell the old wear white is what got me one of them turns up in cream fuck off

boys to men the tocky tulips the tocky tulips. Talkie tulips. Come on. The Kenny crackheads. Yeah. The old swan. Sausage thinners.

Horrible people. It's just the crocky heads, isn't it? It's the crocky crew. Yeah, but it's not. No one ever calls them that. They call themselves it. It's the crocky heads, isn't it? The crocky heads.

They're all dead now, anyway. Are they? What'll be the Lancashire one? Do you want a hot pot yes the Preston Pals

fucking tragic no what'll be the Lancashire test the Lancashire test yeah good question

yeah something to do with how you say fucking do you say Bap or Barmcake some hack

Twitter shit yeah I love a bit of that maybe we should start doing that on the Hathaway account to get more interaction

is this a Barmcake oh it'd be good wouldn't it it'd be really original and exciting is this black and blue or white and gold oh the dress

yes yeah well it was white and gold don't worry to me it was I never saw black sorry wow really cutting to the

fucking heart of cutting edge probably go viral this bit what else happened in 2016 I reckon that last 40 seconds might be the worst 40 seconds in Hathaway history you know

I know we've done this podcast so much that when we both look at each other with a certain look in my head I'm like we are in

weird waters because if Adam looks at me and goes where are we going and I'm doing the same face back you're like tell fucking no Joe

you talk about the driving experience the other week or last week yeah generally I love that he listens you know

when you dropped me off and you did a bit where you went through a car park as a shortcut with some of the best driving I've ever seen I was really surprised I thought Adam

where's he got that from is he a good driver yeah because if you don't know what we're talking about was it the Patreon episode what was it on the Patreon

what did you call yourself Colin McArrow don't let me near that helicopter oh and Adam thinks he's an amazing driver but I just

I just imagine there's a lot of rage involved in like road rage involved but he was fine it wasn't dropping you off last time here's the thing

I do get road rage I do but I just need to beep it out and then it's gone yeah hey oh you shout

you shout with the beep yeah it's ten times a journey yeah but then it's gone I can once. Yeah. But then it's gone. I can... Once I've got it out,

it's gone. Do it again. We need to get him a horn, don't we, for the podcast. When he gets really wound up. Carl. When Carl's behind the wheel. If someone cuts Carl off, he's genuinely still pissed off about it three days later.

I get back in the car and just remember that fucking guy in the M6 the other day. He's fucking still pissed off about it three days later. I get back in the car, I just remember that fucking guy in the M60 the other day. He's fucking raging. I have to stop myself chasing people on the motorway. Joe was really funny. Me and him had a race home the other week. So we were both here. At the speed limit.

Yeah. We were both here in our independent cars at the time. And for a while, whenever I drove here, I'd go one way home and whenever he drove home we'd go the other way because he thought the other way was quicker

and I was like I was on the phone to him and I went lad we're right next to each other on the fucking Runcorn Bridge looking at each other like fucking Vin Diesel and Ludacris

like like poor Walker he's dead isn't he go on dad this one I went to him like you go

your way I'll go my way I will see you get home first and he fucking missed

the exit he ended up in speak I got to someone else's home first fair play you don't drive my wife was like alright so what's going on today and we're like yeah He ended up in speak. I got to someone else's home first. Fair play. You don't drive.

My wife was like, all right, so what's going on today? And we're like, yeah, we're getting Stephen over. She was like, why doesn't he drive? And I was like, that's a good question. Why? I passed my test, but then I tried to drive my girlfriend's car

in Tesco car park and I pressed the accelerator and the brake at the same time and just had to cross yeah jump into the passenger seat she has a dash cam as well going to her dad let's watch it back oh my god it's not for me no so you've you've gone through all the fucking you're provisional you've passed yeah you've had one botched job in a tesco car park that must be quite emasculating when you're in a relationship and she's like come on

we're gonna drive in a Tesco car park night time alright in first check your mirrors I don't know what happened though just panic

that's me was there anyone else in the car park at the time I think no one around though so you know just the dash cam they got to see it so

reputation still intact no because my dad told me to drive and i was going up a hill once right by my house and i stalled going up the hill because i had to wait for a car to come down even though i had right away and uh i just kept stalling and uh i burst out crying and got in the passenger seat. He had to run round. I can't do it, Dad. Can't do it. Oh my God. Yeah.

I got stuck on a hill once in my Ford Fiesta. It was in Sheffield. Sheffield's a fucking nightmare. That story. So funny. I was on a hill And I just couldn't

Get the car to fucking move And Jade My ex Was sat next to me And went Do you want me to go and do it I was like Absolutely not

I've never been more determined To get anything done I genuinely would rather Have broke my car Yeah And like Wrote it off I'd rather have reversed

Into a wall And seriously injured both of us Male pride I will crash this car Backwards like, irritated, wrote it off. I'd rather have reversed into a wall and seriously injured both of us. The love, male pride. I will crash this car backwards into that fucking primary school before I let you

emasculate me. Right, come on Adam, out you pop and I'll take your dick and balls and I'll keep them here. Yeah, because that's it forever then,

isn't it? Every time we're at a con, like, that's the thing about relationships. Women love holding on to just getting one over on you and every time we would have a party and drive and come up

well do you know about the time we were in Sheffield and I had to go round and help him fuck you I'd rather die they're not together anymore I don't know if you can pick that up it's brutal when you're when you watch people

be arsehole I'm quite tolerant with learners yeah you know when i see people doing shit like that i've got the compassion i'm just i just like i just empathize because we've all been there like as you start getting warm and you can feel the first bead of sweat you're like don't stall a second time oh my god i've stalled a second time and you just check them check the mirrors and there's just 18 angry cunts going you're fucking stupid you're like no i'm learning so i'm very like come back and then you get the guys like fuck this as if to prove a point i got undertook on one of my tests like and that's why i failed because i was with the instructor and he went right at the next set of lights we're going to turn right so i like about 200 yards before the light moved into the right lane because to turn right at the fucking lights and before we got to the lights a fucking van from

behind me went and undercut me and was like flicking the v's through the and then when i when i failed he went you didn't get that many minors but you did get that major because you forced another driver to undertake you which is very dangerous and i was like no i didn't i moved you moved over too early. I was like, what, like 10 yards maybe? You fucking gobshite. I had fucking murder.

I'm sure I've told you this, but my second test, the woman fucking slammed on at the, so I'm going through Chewbrook in Liverpool. Chewbrook. And there's a pedestrian,

you know, like a press the button to wait, those type of lights. I don't know what they're called, where you press to wait and then it goes amber and then red. Like a pedestrian crossing. You know like I press the button to wait? Those type of lights. I don't know what they're called. Where you press to wait and then it goes amber and then red. Like a pedestrian crossing? Pedestrian crossing.

So we're coming towards one of them. Like he's never walked on a pavement before. But since I've been driving, I mainly drive everywhere. To the toilet, to the corn shop. What do you call it when the Steppy People leg person walks across with the lights and the Steppy Walking Man. A pedestrian crossing, you fucking lunatic. I can imagine you on a swagway as well.

Do you like Warwick Davis? A swagway? Yeah. Not swagway. A segway. Yeah, no... Oh, yeah. You know, Stephen.

25. Must be the cool one, eh? Embarrassing. the old swaggers one of the swagger machines the swagway is the floor one isn't it that's it yeah it's alright lad it's got no handle

I've got you lad yeah love a segway oh a swagway I meant yeah but I meant segway but a oh is that what they're called

they're like they were called hoverboards for a bit and there was a few videos of them just fucking exploding every time I see like dad at Christmas breaks his hip on a fucking hoverboard I'm like good, you silly old tit

Mike Tyson's knocked himself out, good have you had a go with them? no, but just everywhere the 40 scooters, yeah, they look good them scooters you can get in Liverpool now, they're like a quid for like three minutes or something you can rent them Liverpool now, they're like a quid for like three minutes or something. You can rent them.

Yeah, you just turn it on, off you go, and you can just leave it wherever you're bored. There you go, fuck off. And then you go on the app and you can find where people have left them and you just go and pick it up and you have a little go. My mate had to do that with bikes in Salford. He was the guy that collected them. They're just all in rivers, all burnt. Broken.

Which is effectively fair. The first time you see a modern futuristic looking bike just propped up in Manchester City Centre you're like I give that

three to four hours before it's been stripped for parts like where should we put all these expensive pieces of equipment you know

they'll just be left and then people can take them where should we put them in all the poor cities in the north great idea who had that some cunt in london yeah yeah they'll just leave them and no one will steal them and cycle to salford um what are we talking about cars cars segways so we're coming towards these these lights and someone had pressed the button and the lights went amber and the woman who was fucking inspecting me

examining me she get your eyes on the road love what was it she fucking slammed on she stopped us

about a hundred yards away from the lights and I went what are you doing and she went you went mate

can I just say I haven't been involved in a lot of driving tests but if you turn sideways and go what are you doing I reckon

you're not passing that test I said that to her I know that's what I'm saying if you ever have to ask an instructor like the test lady what the fuck

are you doing don't you dare get that pen out that's not even a fucking minor someone in our school failed because when he was reversing, he said to the test,

the lady, am I good on your side? Sorry, love. Sit back. I can't see anything for your tits. And behind the fucking passenger seat. What are you doing later, B? The fucking early development.

When she slammed on, like she had fucked up and she knew it as well. I could fucking tell by her eyes. She slammed development. When she slammed on, it was like, she had fucked up and she knew it as well. I could fucking tell by her eyes. She slammed on. Ow. I went, ow,

for fuck's sake. I went, what are you, I went, what are you doing? And she went, you weren't stopping. And I went,

what do you mean I weren't stopping? There's still a hundred yards to go. If you can stop the car here, I can definitely stop the car before the lights. And she went, no, I'm afraid you weren't stopping in time. And I went, stop the car before the lights. And she went, no, I'm afraid you weren't stopping in time.

And I went, have I fucking failed? And she went, I'm afraid I can't tell you that on a main road. I went, right, okay. She went, take the next right. But you might have an idea. Because she just screamed at me, have I fucking failed? You fucking rat.

So this has gone down the stream she told me to take the next round and then pull over and she went yeah so to answer your question I'm afraid you have failed today so you've got two options now you can either get out of the car here and we can call your instructor to come and collect us or we can continue the test

and you can see how you get on overall and I went can't we just drive back to the test centre and she went no I'm afraid you're not insured to do that so we either carry on the test and you can see how you get on overall and i went can't we just drive back to the test center and she went no i'm afraid you're not insured to do that so we either carry on the test or we get your instructor to come now i knew in the end that you don't have to take the directions they give you and they can't you know if she goes at the end of the road turn left they can't even fail you if you turn right you just go i got confused so she just kept giving me instructions and i just drove back to the test center so she was going the road turn left and i was like oh i've turned right haven't

i all the way back to the test center and she asked me to reverse park in one of the bays and i just went straight in and she went i asked you to reverse park and i said i haven't been listening to you for 25 minutes and john our instructor come over and he went have you got on and i went she's fucking failed me because she shit herself yeah amazing what's the next one what t-shirt were you wearing tits inspector tits examiner we're both in the industry love did you Did you pass first time? No, I failed my first test. I failed too, yeah. I was on a roundabout and I think I stalled and she grabbed the handbrake because the lorry behind beeped.

So I failed. And then she went, do you want to drive back to the test centre? I was like, I don't know. I don't really want to because she was getting a free lift at that point. I hated her. So I was like, I don't know. I don't really want to, because she was getting a free lift at that point. Hated her. So I was like, yeah, just drove. But I was about three minutes away from passing. But admittedly, I didn't know how to set off on a slope.

It's for the best. Fuck, if you're just one hill and you've got a bus. I love how those two different ways of dealing with the same thing. Do you want to drive back like, Oh, all right, yeah. Just drove back. What did you do, Adam? Have I fucking failed here?

Fucking not bad. I could get a gun in two hours. Fucking Norwegian Pete will get a fucking phone call from me, lad. Amazing. Literally, that's how everyone fails. I'm just like, I'm gutted. Adam's like, fuck off. I just like I'm gutted Adam like fuck

I drove to Ikea 12 miles away but I saw fucking I saw Denny from fucking Sixport right can I tell you

why you failed yeah because you got a Calax and that's not allowed on a test you got a multi-pack of dime bars. I wonder to what degree you can take the piss.

You know what, because that is a rule. Once you've failed... No, I mean... Stop doing jumps over like... If they tell you to turn left and you turn right, that's not even a minor, because you just go, oh, I just went the wrong way. That's not even a minor.

So could you, like, go to a Mackey's drive-thru? Hang on. You're saying yeah yeah and that gains authority to the statement are you sure that in an exam if they go

can you take the next left and you take the second right they can't be like are you a fucking idiot they can't say that

but they can't write it down you can take it safely I think you can take your time as well can't you you can take 50 minutes to do your manoeuvre yeah

if they get you to like parallel park early on in the test't you? You can take 50 minutes to do your manoeuvre. Yeah, if they get you to, like, Parallel Park early on in the test, and the test can only last 50 minutes, you can take 48 minutes to Parallel Park, and they can't mark you down for it. So if they early on tell you to Parallel Park, if you just take nearly an hour to do it, they're then going to take you back to the test centre.

Oh, my God. There's loopholes. You just have to look for them. But can you go to a Mackey's drive-thru? I know you can't, like, eat while you're driving. You can once you've passed. Imagine that. Listen, I don't know how this test is going, love,

but do you want a McFlurry? I've got a Froob in me pocket, if you don't mind. Connectors fucking Bluetooth, start putting Jari on my shit. Just pull up into bay one you're just praying there aren't you if you've took

a wrong turn into the drive through well we might as well get something order like a fucking a filly of fish that you know they take fucking

20 minutes to sort out get told to park up after your test still waiting for a fish burger clever I think you'd fail do you reckon

yeah why no one likes fillet of fish why what what because there's only

a finite number of things they can fail you on what are you being failed at I think getting fillet of fish going the drive-thru

is definitely one of them maybe they might make you retake it at least let's go again yeah at least let's go again yeah Lauren Patterson I remembered her

from I did the Chortle Student Comedy Award I did my heat in Leeds she was there and I thought she was good yeah thought that's right

who runs it was a yeah just another whoever he is Steve Bennett Steve Bennett Steve Bennett well both of us are working

in live comedy still so we don't have the the autonomy of a like fucking like I thought it was a knobhead and I literally went

I think he's great just the judge and the way they do it you know they made their mind up before oh yeah yeah according to

former winner Jamali Maddox so he said that and then went on to up before oh yeah yeah according to former winner Jamali Maddox so what he said that and then went on to win it yeah yeah yeah yeah

this competition's bullshit and I dedicate it they're fucking rigged these games I just want to say thank you Grandad I just come back from my heat all depressed because yeah

I'd done shit and I couldn't say him. And then Jamali was off on his way to, like, the Manchester one. Yeah, they know he's going to win it before it even starts. And then he went on to win it. That looks like such a fucking dick-swinging move, doesn't it? Yeah, they already know who's going to win, mate. Fucking dick-swinging.

Bullshit, these. I've won five of them. I've never done well in any comedy competition. Ever. I think I was too competitive. Just booing the act. Yeah, but weren't you doing all of yours? That's comedy.

Fucking winner. Just a winner t-shirt. Bonus jokes. I've got the body of a god. Shame it's fucking Buddha lad I drove here on my fucking

driving test I've won that I've won this who wants a filler fish I've got five took them fucking ages

was in bay two for 28 minutes oh my god fucking competitions are bullshit how this is what I know of you you were probably

doing competitions on like your second fourth and fifth gig yeah I'm in the semi-finals how many gigs you done five no I just even like a year in

I didn't know of a lot of the competitions until it was too late to enter them it's like the big one you can do when you're new is so you think you're funny i did that yeah yeah i didn't know about that competition existent until i was past the eligibility because you have to be less than a year in to do it yeah um and i was like two and a half three years in before someone was like you don't say you think you're funny like no i didn't know it was a thing laughing horse didn't get out the heat i did the london bbc london heats of the bbc comedy award and i said to i think paul carenza or gary delaney who are in the semis with me like how many gigs you've done and i'd honestly done 12 yeah he was like um done about 160 170 i was like okay

i should have fucking cool my boosters a little bit. But then if you go too far, you end up doing what you did and you're not allowed, are you? You're not eligible. No, I just, yeah, I did that with a few of them, and the few that I did enter, I just, yeah, I never really got very far. I don't think I was what the industry wanted. Do you know what I mean? White.

Did you do all of them? No, I did So You Think You're Funny. I got to the finals of that and then didn't place in the top three. But Luca Caparni won it. Me neither. Shout out Luca, he's on next week. Not if immigration is about that

do you gig for Paul Haslam Haslam yeah yeah you're making him sound I think he's just called Paul Haslam Haslam

have you heard of Haslam yeah yeah yeah he's a nutter yeah he is a nutter so he he's sound hi Paul looking forward to being

in Bury again he ran a he ran the laughing horse he is a nutter. He's sound. Hi, Paul. Looking forward to being in Bury again. He ran the Laughing Horse comedian of the year heat that I did. And to this day, I remember, you know, Kiri Pritchard-McLean, who is a very good comedian. And she was in my heat. And she's so sort of sure of herself.

Kiri always has been very confident, knows what she wants, very driven. Knows the game. Knows the game inside out. confident knows what she wants very driven knows the game knows the game inside out she actually admitted it that she learnt the game as she was starting out she was like

well why wouldn't you it's the industry you work in and I'm there like talking to her I've been doing it 14 years like yeah that's a good idea where are you gigging this weekend

erm Wigan I just I remember him going because he went round the room going right what's your name so I'm like Adam Rowe he's like couldn't she went Kiri Pritchard and he went round the room going right what's your name so I'm like Adam Rowe he's like couldn't

she went Kiri Pritchard and he went no that'll do and she went I'm having my fucking name and he went what was the last one mate

if any anecdote sums up Kiri it's that one nah that's enough name she's literally what at the time like 25 let's cut someone off actually

do you know Paul Haslam not Kiri for fuck's sake no absolutely not do you know I want to live today do you know Paul Haslam not Kiri for fuck's sake no absolutely not do you know I want to live today do you know Paul Haslam's like sort of

I think it's like his buddy or they run a double his name is Mick Taylor you know that other Manchester comedy promoter do you know of him no he's an absolute gobshite

right like look how silent he's gone everyone hates him he's a proper noncey creepy sex pest

twat right everyone thinks he's a prick how's purple lackey got away with it purple lackey's

part of the citizenship test and he rang me once Mick Taylor to offer me a paid gig this is the

god's honest truth he rang me out of the blue number come up and he went, all right, it's Mick Taylor. And I went, all right, oh yeah. Because I'd applied for like two of his gigs like three years before.

This was about four years ago, maybe five. So I was playing the clubs by the stage, like Middle Spot and whatever. He went there, got a gig for you, paid. It's in, is it Ramsbottom where he runs one? Yeah. It's in Ramsbottom, which is like the other side of Manchester.

It's in Ramsbottom. The home of British comedy. It was paid five5 via Bax. So he was paying me a fiver two weeks after the gig. It's paid! It won't even cover the fucking bus. Did you do it?

I did not do it, no. Call it a tenner. I was so pretentious with my gigs. Like, I wouldn't do a bad gig. Or try not to. Like, I cherry-picked. That's why I didn't work out with stand-up. What happened, Steve?

Because you did all the comps. And then what? Did you just not get to paid level? Or did you start doing paid work? Started doing stuff, yeah. Did you just go, I just don't want to do it? Yeah, I did jonglers. I was starting doing that, yeah.

You mentioned a place, the Doncaster Dome. Yeah, the Donny Dome. Did you do Jonglers? Yeah. Fucking hell. Like, were they paying you? Yeah. That is...

How long did you do stand-up for? I think this is why you quit then, isn't it? See, to be doing... I did Jonglers, the worst comedy. To be doing the Doncaster Dome for junglers three years in is too soon. Yeah. Like, they sunk junglers, didn't they? Not that you ain't good, but for them to be putting acts with less than three years experience

into the Donny fucking Dome, they were a pile of shite by the end, junglers. Yeah, they were very commercial, sort of. Let's get everyone in at four o'clock. Show starts at quarter past nine. It's four pound for 12 beers. And you get a complimentary swimming ticket because there's no fucking swimming. It was fucking great.

What did you just do? Do a bit of it and go, I can't, I just don't. Did you not enjoy it? Or, I mean, I know Doncaster Dome for junglers probably wasn't the dream gig. No, I had some really good ones.

I was doing the Comedy Store in London, like the 10 minute minute spot there and then i had oh what's his name who runs it don don yeah so i did a gig i thought i was one of my best and he takes me into his office and then just goes bam ba bam ba bam what i need to work on i was like oh god and then kevin bridges came in because uh because he was doing something for this morning the next day and I just got to sit around the table with all the comedians I didn't say a word it was like me

over by the bar yeah yeah my dad was just sat at the bar waiting for us to go not now father I'm with some real men that's such a new young comedian thing, isn't it?

Kevin Bridges, one of the, probably, arguably the biggest star in UK comedy. I think he's the best in the UK, personally.

Don Ward, the father, one of the forefathers of British club comedy, he's there, he's just told you everything you've done wrong, here's what you need to fix,

if you want me to pay you some money. You sat there with Circus Stalwart, who are like, here's what you need to do, kid, if you want to get into this game do this do this do this let's have a beer do you want a beer you're like dad can i have a beer yeah yeah bridges ward legends and your dad go come on stevie i want to beat the traffic i can't believe you didn't invite your

dad over for a drink but they literally said that at the end they went no he's like your dad and i was like yeah he's my driver see i can't take my dad to meet comedians because he feels the need my dad is uh has got that problem that some audience members have where because he is surrounded by a group of comedians he feels the need to be funny oh yeah so i. So I'd never met Kevin Bridges, right? I met him once actually at the store years ago when I was doing like a five or a ten minute set. And then, that was 18 months ago, he was doing The Empire in Liverpool and Paul McCaffrey, good friend of ours

who will eventually be on this podcast, he was opening for him. And McCaffrey knew that I idolised Bridges and I'd text Paul saying I was going to the show and afterwards he goes we're going for a drink we're just going to go back

to his hotel bar do you want to come and meet us for a drink and I was like I'm with my dad and me and Carl and who else was with us Alex and Steve

were there my mates they came after work yeah they were working in town and you were like do you want to come for a drink with Kevin Bridges and we went to his hotel bar and we were there

until about 6 o'clock in the morning just drinking he was doing magic tricks yeah he got a pack of cards like he picked so the bar shut a four

but he was like yeah I'll just give you a bit of money just keep bringing us some stuff over just look after us and they were like yeah sound

it was fucking great but my dad was such a ya da he just wouldn't like hey Kev hey listen got this story about this. Yeah.

Yeah, also, he's proud of you and excited. Oh, you're like, dad, just play it fucking cool.

Well, Kevin Bridges, of all the sort of big, famous superstar acts I've met, he's the most normal. Yeah.

He was just a normal Glaswegian we arranged to give him a fussy for the next morning didn't we we gave him a fucking tog out while we were down he called me shagga

and it was the best moment to me to laugh you know what he meant when he beat a shagga I was like I fucking love a Glaswegian fucking shagga baby

shagga shagga the best yeah I can't take me there because he wouldn't stay by the bar he'd have been straight over to Don Ward hey you wanna get him on Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon

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Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Chargon Too Asian, lads Can I go for a quick wee, sorry? Yeah, absolutely Can you go for a wee? We'll have a break And we'll be back In a minute What's happening, lids?

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did you ever get any, sent any gifts? Wow. Almost like we'd just chatted about it in the interval. We've just got sent some stuff by Pete Gaydon, who's an absolute ledge listener.

The Gaydon? Yeah. And we're gonna we we like idiots were like wait until christmas because he's wrapped them so we were like it must be for christmas and he's like mate if you open them you're like okay have you been have you got sent stuff so in a video recently uh my address got leaked because the lad who made the video yeah uh oh but i was moving that week so it was perfect timing really not for my flatmates who my address got leaked because the lad who made the video didn't cover it up. Your address? Yeah. Oh. But I was moving that week so it was perfect timing really. Not for my flatmates

who still live there. I was gone. Off to Spinningfields or any other area in case people are watching. In case people are watching. Sorry. I can see how these addresses

get leaked, you know. And now I'm in Spinningfields. Flatmate. Oh, fuck. So, but then a couple of weeks later, they got some chocolate vaginas addressed to me. From one sender? Yeah, yeah, just one sender.

Sent multiple chocolate vaginas? Yeah, six they got, I think. But I didn't taste them. Do you reckon they were like Just chocolate flavoured or Yeah I think so yeah Have they been enhanced Okay With pom pom juice

Yeah yeah I love that taste I do love the taste of pom pom That fountain That fountain Pom pom Me do love The taste of the pom pom juice

What the fuck Tastes like a battery doesn't it What happened in the interval It does taste like a battery With a can of lids Boom, boom. Me do love the taste of the boom, boom juice. What the fuck? Tastes like a battery, doesn't it? What happened in the interval? It does taste like a battery. I do love the taste of it until I've cum. And then I'm like, oh, that'll be a lie. Do you know what I mean? There you go.

That's literally the visual embodiment of what my brain does four times a podcast. Do you mean, should you go back down there? You mean? No, no. So like, right. Oh, I get it. You've finished and it's not sex anymore. Yeah. Yeah. of vodka do you mean should you go back down there you mean no no so like right oh I get you've finished and it's not sex anymore

yeah so like while I'm down there I'm like oh it's bostis and then the second I'm finished and you can still

smell it on your muzzy you're like ugh horrible the poom poom woo it does taste like a bostis no I love it all the time

this is how he failed his second test oh it's past this you know what I mean you agree with me because you know what I mean and you wouldn't know what I mean if you didn't agree with me isn't it just like when you come and then exactly

yeah when you have to put your phone in a different room because you're like I need to not look at that for a day and a half I've stopped watching porn now have you? I saw another podcast where they mentioned it so I've gone I've gone a week now no not November

yeah you alright yeah I'm fine what do you do how long I see clearly now do you say it's been a week yeah

so you stopped a week ago yeah do you think this is going to be a long term thing or I'm going to aim aim for it to be what

you'll probably be able to aim at the fucking wall it trickles out sometimes I'm thinking of the bullshit to say and I feel like Stephen just gets a little jab and you're like god I'm trying to concentrate and you're making me laugh

I don't, what do you, I don't what do you I don't what brought it on the need to just surely you didn't watch one YouTube movie like I'm done with porn has this been something in your head

because honestly I'm worried because I'm about to turn 40 next year and I'm an enthusiast and I wonder how far that's going to I just don't want to be

a 70 year old like Maury in the old people's home like 85 look at the bloody broadband's home at 85 live the bloody broadband's gone off I bet it has your dirty bathroom

I'm worried that I can't be doing it forever what brought it on the need for change I don't know I just think that I guess like people say it's bad for you

watching porn or maybe it changes your perception of yeah pom pom juice yeah sometimes I'm in a room surrounded by women

and I'm like, why is no one sucking me off? Yeah. Like every film I've watched recently, the man walks in the room and gets noshed off. Why isn't that? I know it has done that,

but why? I watch, yeah, sometimes when I have sex, I'm like, where are all the guys? This is boring, just me. Where are my homies Have you ever tried VR porn

With like your hat Not a hat on I don't want to Your VR With the VR headset Mate I don't I've seen videos of people Falling over

Doing VR I don't want to fall over With my knob out That's not a good look is it Just sit down then Dislocate your dick Because you were like Oh the fucking vaginas

See here's my woody With VR right Because you know like Oh the fucking vaginas See here's my worry With VR right Because you know like In porn Right The thing will be Happening there But then someone

Might walk in From the side If you've got VR on Like Imagine You just see like A rogue dick Just coming round the corner

I reckon that Would distract me Do you know what I mean So like I'd be looking Like oh this is Fucking great this Yeah yeah yeah Whoa massive dick You know like You know what I mean so like I'd be looking like oh this is fucking great this yeah yeah yeah whoa massive dick

you know like yeah yeah yeah you know like when there's like a fly comes into your peripheral yeah I'd be like that with dicks with VR I think

but then also because you've got that on it's alright because you but I think if you lived alone it's fine but if you if you've got roommates and you've got the VR headset

and headphones they could just knock on walk in and you'd be oblivious because my mate has one and there's two other people and one of them's recently moved out and I reckon they've just walked in, seen him, you know, tugging away. Yeah.

Need privacy for VR. But at least you'd... Have you ever been caught? I've used VR in a hostel. Yeah. Fact. Fact. But at least with the VR, you're... I mean, it's not good for them, but at least with the VR

you're I mean it's not good for them but at least you don't know you've been caught that's true yeah you're so in the zone there's big fucking

whale dicks coming from right and left but like it's worse just getting caught cracking one out when you're like alright have you been caught

yeah who by Danny Mac when we lived together in Chester yeah he just walked in i was like i'd literally set up i was in like my in my office chair laptop and he walked he went he went oh

sorry and then i was like well i've got to face this one out went downstairs and he's like buttering crumpets and i'm like all right mate he's like yeah not making eye contact he was like and I'm like alright mate he's like yeah not making eye contact he was like who are you skyping

I was like I can't lie I was like I wasn't skyping I was wanking he went I know mate

I know you were he was just trying to give me the out of being like you must have been skyping about wanking because we all do it do you know what I mean

some more than others you shouldn't even break you shouldn't even break the stride really. You should be like, what are you doing? Get out, I'm busy. Yeah.

No! Did you finish, Dan? Yeah. Not immediately. Oh, Danny! Hello, lad. Hey! He's a good looking lad.

I didn't do Kevin Webster. Hey! Get out! I'm not doing this for Sophie! hello lad hey he's a good looking lad I didn't do Kevin Webster hey get out not doing this for Sophie not doing this for Rosie you can call bar that into he's getting he's getting some fucking mileage out of this

yeah best man speeches fucking funerals Adam could you say a few words hey I'm not doing a eulogy for Rosie! You're really bad at it. I am.

I can do it. You put a request in, didn't you, a car, for me to do an impression? Yeah. What was it? Robbie Williams feel. Was there any particular reason? Because you want to torture me? The problem is, is that I've been watching this podcast a lot,

and now it's sort of taken over my life, so I'm just listening to a song and I'm like, I wonder if Adam could do this. You know the answer's no, don't you? It's a tough song, yeah. I just want to feel real love Just bring it away. I got too much life running through my veins

Going away I think my dick's just found that extra 5% Edwards Disappeared for the winter Yeah It's a real cheesy like Who is that? That's not Robbie Williams

That was good though Yeah it's quite It's a tricky one to do Sorry go on Have you got a favourite Robbie Williams song? Ovs. Angels. Rock DJ.

Rock DJ. I hate the intro to that, though, because he takes off his skin. He does. No need for that, Robert. Smut. Not my favourite artist. I love that there was two versions of that video. There was one that the music channel would play after nine o'clock, which was that one.

And there was another one they would play before nine o'clock where they would continue the song playing, but they would just start the video again. I used to watch the music channel quite a lot. Yeah. Back in the day, it was good. Which one?

Um, MTV. Yeah. Not MTV because that became less a music channel and more like shows yeah 16 yeah cribs cribs oh yeah oh we should do an extra video for patreon where we do our cribs oh yeah yeah i'll give you a dress up as well yeah yeah shocky what yours is a shithole yeah that'd be funny won't it all about the content see mobis that he did which was fucking brilliant and he was really like wasn't even arsey about it he did, which was fucking brilliant. And he was really like,

wasn't even arsey about it. He was like, he got to the hallway and he was like, this is my bookshelf, which I don't see a lot of on Cribs. This is where I keep my books. Never seen this before on Cribs.

And I was like, okay. Did you see Chris Pontius? Who's Chris Pontius? He's in Jackass. It was his car. He was living in a pickup truck and he did a

cribs of his pickup truck wow short episode see Ray Uvens Ray Uven who's Ray Uvens that is a very

very niche yeah anyone who got that will love it and the 97.99% of people who didn't it was like this Scouse lad

who did a Scouse version of it and like he's in like a flat in Toxteth and they ring the bell and he goesouse version of it. He's in a flat and talks to him. And they ring the bell and he goes, Go ahead, I'll fucking let you up in a minute. Go ahead. And he takes him into his living room.

It just looks like a weed. Then he's like, yeah, I had a fucking beard on there last night. And the one on there. Starts to fucking kick it out. Go ahead, fucking get out. He goes into his fridge and he goes, Fucking bit of Lambrini there. From Cunosly.

Must be somewhere in Spain. Classic. Go on, Geoff. MTV Crabs he called it, didn't he? Yes. The wit on that boy. He swapped a fucking valve. 400,000 instant followers.

Got a question here for you. Oi, Carl. Come on. The voice of fucking reason. Carl Westian. It's from Harry Robinson again. He used to be mine and now he's fucked off to you two, so... What?

I was in one of yours. We're going to win the bin. Enjoy that, Harry. What? Have we nicked one of your boys? No, he's still good. Chocolate vaginas to Have A Word The Podcast. The Heath Business Park.

Roncorn. WA7. 4QX. Choccy Fanny. Chalky Fanny. Chalky Fanny. Anyway, he's a fucking goat for questions. Yeah, he used to be for Stephen. If you were taking part

in a presidential election, what would your slogan and policies be and who would your vice president be? Stephen, what would your slogan be? Thanks for coming to me first. Put the guest on the spot straight away.

I'd go for... I'd have to use my stage name, Tries, and go for... Is that your slogan? Slogan? Not that bit of Sonya you did. I will.

Stephen, yeah, Stephen succeeds, and then people love alliteration so I've done well there my vice president who needs work I'd go nostalgic me I'd go with like a female

hip hop artist who's like Nelly Furtado a female hip hop artist Nelly Furtado. Nice. A female hip-hop artist. She was sort of R&B. Nelly Furtado. She was R&B. Nelly Furtado.

She'd be mine. Because I'm a straight white man. You need to appeal to other demographics. I thought he'd lost his mind. No, no, no. I've thought it through. I've thought it through. Nelly Furtado.

Nelly Furtado. I'd go for Howard from Halifax then. Oh. Because he looks the part. He's got a suit. You know he's got a suit. He wears it. He's just...

People like him, don't they? Yeah. Very likeable Howard. Yeah. Lovely word. Do you know what I mean? You bring someone back from... Like, you need nostalgia.

Oh, I remember them. That was a happier... Everyone was happier back then. Mr. Blobby. Mr. Blobby. Mr. Motivator for you. No, you don't always have to go... Just because you're white, you don't have to go ethnic minority.

Just because old Kamala Harris was the VP choice... We're all about ticking boxes over here. Ballots. You could go disabled or old. Okay, who are you going for then? I was like, check for all disabled people oh Stephen

Stephen Hawking he's dead isn't he aww that's the only one I know fucking hell of an acceptance speech Stevie Wonder he's disabled yeah

and he's old talented Stevie Wonder yeah amazing I'll take Stevie Wonder Dan Nightingale I will work

Stevie Wonders for this country aww jeez it'll be Nightingale Wonders or Nightingale like I will work Stevie Wonders for this country. Oh, jeez. And it'll be Nightingale Wonders, or Nightingale... Like, that's your phone. And it'll be Ro Furtado. I've none.

Ro Furtado, we are like birds, we'll only fly away. And I know... How can you go on with such gold? I'm such fucking... I will do the song Fly Away Turn on the light in your hearts I don't know the reference No I don't get that

Man Eater wasn't she Turn on the light You could be Try something that works Think of like a noun for the second name Or like an action Try governing Who's governing That works doesn't it Think of like a noun for the second name or something Or like an action Tries governing Yeah

Who's governing It literally sounds like a TV show Stephen tries governing Another part of it What would your policies be So what would you What would you shake up in this country So am I running for US election

Or UK Let's say UK UK Yeah You want to get the youth vote? Don't you? What are you doing then? Free uni.

Are you paying for that? You want the old votes as well, so double everyone's pension. Right. I don't really care for old people. No, neither do I, but you need them to vote because they vote in bigger droves

than young people. Everyone gets twice as much pension. So why are you making uni free so that people can get because you want the youth vote right

where are you getting the money from what just answer PMQs where are you getting the money from for that taxes I mean

simple answer but probably taxes isn't it yeah from people in and around 40 years old who are paying

fucking taxes MPs don't get expenses anymore. You get your dough, fucking manage it better, you daft twat. My policy would be... There you go. There's Adam coming out.

Fucking hell, you got money, give us some and fucking stop being a dickhead. If you don't... Don't say pum-pum juice on the... As long as you don't say

pum-pum juice when you're an electioneer. If you don't indicate on the motorway, you get executed at the end of the motorway. Oh, yeah. That would be my main policy. I execute people who don't indicate on the motorway You get executed At the end of the motorway That would be my main policy I execute people who don't indicate

Yeah That's great That's back to the people who piss you off in real life People who don't indicate People who throw shit out of bus windows And litter Should have that litter glued on their face You get the bus

It's been a while and litter should have that litter glued on the face you get the bus kisses me off yeah it's been a while Steve I can't think of what I hate I can't think of any situation now

in which I would get a bus I'm just done with buses tour bus oh there you go have a weird tour bus

I'd want a helicopter a tour helicopter a tour helicopter yeah how big's the helicopter like a Chinook. I'd want a helicopter. A tour helicopter. A tour helicopter. Yeah. How big's the helicopter? Like a Chinook. Like a fucking, like a,

cargo one. You can't shout Kobe in that though. No! That's on the advert Oh Stephen There's a reason why we pay for your Uber That's the episode we're doing

Jesus Christ You got any more stuff? Yeah I'll have one more question and then we'll do a I've just remembered why I left comedy actually Because you mentioned Danny McLaughlin. This isn't it. But he was at the gig

the last gig I did I think and I was like I can't be arsed with this because I was in the green room and he was there and there was a female comic and you were done. And a Canadian and there was a Canadian comic, I think,

and he... I can't remember who it was, but he was just slagging, like, all the acts off when they were on. I thought when I come back, he was dead nice to me, but I knew what he was probably saying. They were just talking about all these comedy clubs closing. I was like, oh, I'm going to be shit here

if that's the case Sean Collins I bet you it was Sean Collins but does he sit down yes it was Sean Collins he's a prick and I hate him

and you can tell him I said it yeah he was horrible Sean Collins wrote that but it's shit I was sliding out of view

he's a cock juggling thunder cunt and he can sit on both of these one on this one one on this one jump off this back on this

feel more comfortable doing Kobe jokes twat so he may do not carry on no it's just his vibe ruined it for me and

yeah sort of ended my life really mad oh I'm in a great mood now he gives a lot of talk, Sean. Yeah.

Doesn't really deliver on stage, I'm gonna... But I kept that to myself. I'm getting a sweaty bubble. Why did you retire from the circuit, Dan? Fear! You haven't said anything. Let's just point out, Dan does not have a problem

with Sean Collins and I wish he did because I do God's right he tried to arrange a fight with me did he yeah

wow that was when I was away wasn't it yeah what did you do no it was just before you went do you not remember when we went out

with Paul Smith we were in I do we spoke about this on a Patreon episode oh my god shall I tell a story shall I tell a spoke about this on a Patreon episode but I haven't ever seen it oh my god shall I tell a story

shall I tell a story shall I tell a story how many shots were in that costume shall I tell a story it's not even the lockdown look yeah so

he was slagging off hot water at one point and here someone grassed him up and it wasn't me but he assumed it was me and I understand

why he assumes it was me and it wasn't me but he assumed it was me and I understand why he assumes it was me and it wasn't and then a lot of stuff there's an old Patreon episode where you can listen to the full version

of this but he got really drunk one night he'd blocked me on everything and then was tweeting going I want to arrange a charity boxing match

with Adam Rowe and I was on a night out with him and Paul Smith and we were crying laughing like look at this fucking sad old swat yeah

yeah he tried to arrange a fight and then the next day he apologised to someone else and told them to pass it on to me shit house

I'm so sorry to who? told them to pass it on to me. Shit house. I'm so sorry. To who? Who are you apologising for? Come on. Man, I'm scared of. Are you scared of him? Don't be scared of him.

Just get a gun. Can you get us one? Yeah. Next 25 minutes. Bazooka. Get him a bazooka. That was amazing that of all the acts and of all the Canadian acts

You didn't even give a description Yeah And he got it first time Rope for Tardo Next question please Shit house I'll only fly away I'll block you on everything And then I'll slag you off

Let's do Pussio Let's do Would you rather before So this is from Liam So this is for all three years and then I'll slag it off. Let's do it. Pussy-o! Let's do it. Oh, would you rather before. So this is from Liam. So this is for all three years. Your careers skyrocket even more than they are now.

Would you rather do Strictly Come Dancing or I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here? Strictly Come Dancing? What the fuck? You are fucking kidding. I would rather dance with a fit beard than eat a kangaroo bollock. I don't feel like that is a controversial statement. Do you get paid by the week on Strictly

or is it like one big fee up front? I think you get one big fee. Then you could just tank in the first week. Yeah. Do they agree different fees for different people, these shows? They don't. Some people are doing it for 20 grand.

Some people are like... You know when Dennis Rodman was on... Big Brother. Celebrity Big Brother, you're like, Dennis Rodman's not doing that for 20 grand. Some people are like... You know when Dennis Rodman was on... Big Brother. Celebrity Big Brother, you're like, Dennis Rodman's not doing that for 15 grand, is he? Billy Jones got like 200k to do that. Also, which strictly, you're only actually on screen, like, you know, doing a bit of rehearsing and doing your dance.

It's quite easy to come across as likeable and nice on that. You put me in a jungle with other people who I've got to share a scram with for fucking three weeks and film every second of it. It's going to be very easy to make me look like a gobshite

because if you, if you're coming back and you're going, I just couldn't put it in my mouth so we're all just eating beans tonight. Fuck off back to Hollyoaks,

you stupid cunt. We're all starving now. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I couldn't I would not look good on Amherst Levels but what if

what if someone gave you a shit score on Strictly what what if someone gave you a shit score I'm not a great dancer I can take that

alright okay sorry what if Craig Craig Revel Horwood's like oh you just look look embarrassing out on the floor I'd be like yeah but you're wearing makeup

and it doesn't even look convincing you'd do well yeah let's're wearing makeup and it doesn't even look convincing do well yeah let's see you dance come on get up fucking happy to sit there aren't you going

oh seven you come and give us an eight then you fucking tit but you're already looking bad on Amazon yeah but everyone hates him they do yeah so if I was a dickhead to him

I'd be like oh someone's finally put him in his place imagine if I was like that to Ant and Dech. Or maybe Ant. They don't like him anymore, do they? What would you rather do?

He can't drive. I'm a celeb's more fun. Yeah, as long as you're not in Wales. Yeah. Oh, it's fucking shit. Because of COVID, we've got to be in North Wales. Do you think you can come across well on I'm a celeb?

Because that, like, it's not really out of reach for you, is it? Big YouTube star. I imagine at some point, because YouTube's popularity. They're doing it now, aren't they, with, like, Gogglebox. Like, oh, we'll get a YouTuber on. The kids love YouTube. But they could do that. In a year or two, they could go, look, we need a big YouTube guy.

We're going to put them in. Because you are definitely more recognisable than half the faces on I'm a Celeb. They could totally put you in. And it wouldn't. Would you do it? Would you do it? If you were offered it now, would you take it? Yeah.

I've tweeted jokes about Ant, so I feel like that's going to stop me. Yeah. What other jokes? I'm not too... It was to do with when he went to rehab and I made a joke about him saying, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here. That's not too it was to do with when he went to rehab and I made a joke about him saying

I'm a celebrity get me out of here that's not how it works you've got to laugh you know I did a joke on my stand up special it's called Club Comic

by the way go and check it out on YouTube youtube.com slash Adam Rowe comedy or just search YouTube Adam Rowe Club Comic it's very good closing in on 70,000 views I did a joke on YouTube youtube.com slash Adam Rowe comedy or just search YouTube Adam Rowe club comic

it's very good closing in on 70,000 views I did a joke about Ant McPartland on that special and I did a terrorism joke

which gets a big laugh and then I do an Ant McPartland joke which gets a boo and then I accost the audience

for being fickle cunts yeah you can't let me make a joke about the Quran and then tell me that Ant McPartlin

is off limits I'm afraid okay either we joke about everything or we joke about nothing it is a funny

double standard isn't it by an audience like people die in terrorist attack oh hey he's a national

treasure oh come on not people yeah I'm doing strictly me I reckon as well with a bit of training I could

I could no you don't reckon I could get quite far no I've got rhythm you'd be in the front row though Carl like when they pan to the audience

you'd be there oh yeah you'd be as plus one I'd be disappointed just disgusted look at him slumbering up Do you know when you have an old person on And they do really limited dance routines

Because they can't move Oh yeah You'd be like sat down They basically have A comedy Paralympic Sort of like Ah look at him He's fucking

Like Ann Widdicombe Or the guy who's a What Nothing Fuck you I reckon Dan's got moves you know Do you reckon Can you dance

I've got a little bit of flavour I knew it the white hammer thank you the white hammer what did you say the other week

like a fucking bees wing yeah when your arse is going like a bees wing when you're fucking going for it shall we solve

someone's problems yeah I wonder would you rather that was would you rather do strictly or I'm a celeb oh another wonder, would you rather? That was. Would you rather do strictly or I'm a celeb?

Oh, another one. Okay. Would you rather have no dick or no mates? So, lose you

or lose me dick? You're gone. I'm keeping me dick. Really? Yeah. Do you think you're better than my dick? No mates.

Yeah. If you've got a dick. Still have colleagues, though? No. That's not got a dick. Still have colleagues, though. No. That's not what it says. Still have Sean Collins. I will. Hi, Sean.

I've got a would you rather for you, Adam. Question for Aaron, which is Adam. Would you rather, for the next five years, live with the squirrel bush troll from last week's episode without Wi-Fi, or everyone from Liverpool knows you voted Tory in the last election. So if you've not seen last week's episode, Adam had a... Sexual...

A dalliance... Encounter... With a lady... With a bush troll. An absolute unit of a woman. I slept with her in a bush in Newcastle. Slept with the Sands a little bit. We slept together.

We made love. We danced the terrible dance of romance. We barely snapped a twig. This needs to be the last time this story's mentioned. Does it? I'm about to put the whole thing on Facebook. Do you know like when... Do you know like when

a Vietnam veteran gets like a flashback because like a firework goes off? PTSD. Yeah. You ain't there. You don't know. She was...

Imagine if I was in the bush with you. So yeah, I met a girl in a gay club. She was a girl and we went outside. We got kicked out so we went and fucked in a bush. That's the yeah, I met a girl in a gay club. She was a girl and we went outside. We got kicked out so we went and fucked in a bush.

That's the short version. Long version of the story is on the Lauren Patterson episode, episode 93 of this podcast. Or, you get to have

five years living with her. There's no Wi-Fi for some unknown twist. Yeah. Or, everyone in Liverpool knows you voted Tory.

Horrible, isn't it? It's got to be Tory. You couldn't do five minutes without Wi-Fi in the matter, was there? Yeah. Do you know what? Even Nelly Furtado!

Yeah, I'll vote. Because I haven't voted Tory, but they think I have. Yeah. Yeah, I'll do that. Wow. Yeah. Scousebird blog's not going to be happy. No.

Yeah. The absolute Gruffalo that I dealt with that night can't be fucking in my life for five years. A Gruffalo? Yeah. What's a Gruffalo? An absolute with that night can't be fucking in my life for five years a Gruffalo yeah what's a Gruffalo an absolute Pokemon looking one on one

she looked like a Blastoise the only time I've encountered a girl like that was at Creamfields and I was walking

away from Swedish House Mafia because I needed a wee and I was just saying excuse me excuse me just getting through this girl just wouldn't move so me just getting through this girl just

wouldn't move so I just had to blast through what? what? I just had to barge around the way

where everyone's on pills and having a nice time listening to dance music you're like move youtuber

I just go in excuse me I was just right in front of her saying excuse me and she's just looking at me

like that so you bum rushed her scouse fridge scouse fridge smeg I stood right in front of her saying, excuse me, and she was just looking at me like that. So you bum-rushed her? Did you fuck her up away? Scouse fridge. Smeg. Smeg, yeah.

She smelt like it. Out the way, love. But yeah, she was sturdy. Robust. Get bollard, yeah. I don't think there's a word a woman would less rather be called than sturdy. Sturdy bed.

I sent it off. I think fridge might be up there. Freezing on top, cool down the bottom. It's time to have a word with Adam and Dan. Tell us all the problems you have with your friends. This is going to. The whole podcast. Now it's just a final 10%. I don't know why you dance.

Frigid. Oh. You know what? It's going to be a real smooth edit there because we've got a great producer, but you fucked that up, didn't you? I can't believe you talked about it. You're fucking lit.

I can't believe I talked about what? When you kicked the wire out of the machine and we nearly lost the whole episode. Can't believe I talked about it, you fucking liar. I can't believe I talked about what? When you kicked the wire out of the machine and we nearly lost the whole episode? I can't believe I mentioned it. Fucking, I'm so sorry for mentioning it. Doing the worst fucking dance I've ever done in my life. Sorry, dancing the club. Strictly are shitting themselves.

That's what you're drowning. Imposing. Okay. Hello, Abdul, David and Carla. shit in themselves that's what you're drowning in pussy erm ok hello Abdul David and Carla have a word with my best mate Michael last year he took his bed of three years

to New York and proposed he asked me to be best man and we started planning the stag do yep about two weeks ago he rings me and says he's not sure

if he's made the right choice but the wedding date has been set oh gee yeah deposits paid bride's family pay for it all as they are minted i told him he needs to speak to his bear before it goes any further this week the bride's family paid another five grand towards the wedding and he still hasn't said anything um the next day my mate called called me and then called it off eventually

he's now moved into my spare room because they've split up he's been like this for a while I still think he's a bit of a cunt because he could have called it off before the money got spent because it's non-refundable so basically he should have broke up with his missus he never and it's cost her family

thousands of pounds I thought you were going to say that he'd just still not done it and he'd married her. I mean, he should have done it. And he paid another five Gs and he still didn't do it. The thing is, though, if he's not going to see her anymore, why has he asked about how much money her family has spent? Doesn't matter, does it?

They're gone. Fuck them. Like, bye Bye Felicia I'm off, I'm bouncing If it's his decision Maybe he should be a bit more considerate I mean Maybe yeah

I'm joking but I totally empathise with this guy Because I totally understand How you can get yourself in a situation where things have gone too far and you should have fucking pulled out a while back. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Yeah. I've still got a phone contract from when I was like 17

that I'm still paying because I can't be arsed phoning and having that conversation. Not the same, though. It is. No, not the same. Ringing your missus and her mum and her dad and sitting them down and breaking everyone's heart is not the same as ringing fucking three. I'm still with three, actually. Vodafone. same ringing your missus and a mom and a dad and sitting them down and breaking everyone's heart

is not the same as ringing three i'm so with free actually vodafone oh sorry i'm sorry um yeah it's easy to be after the fact you know you were a company you should have saved the dad five but at least he got there at least it wasn't like yeah he doesn't love her and they've been married for two years like that's the worst isn't it like the money is one thing but money will be at least you've not got a stinking divorce my least favorite thing is watching couples exist and you can tell they fucking hate each other you'd literally give someone five grand just to have that relationship done i hate watching couples that are unhappy. So at least he did it. It's easy though.

I want to empathise with the guy because I get it. It's easier to not have that conversation. It's a very common thing to go, what will make me happier in the next three minutes? Not having the conversation. It's hard to go, in three years I'm going to be fucking miserable so I need to call this now. Hey, which by the way, he did.

The guy did do that tricky conversation. Eventually. I mean, yeah. I think, you know, it's very hard to do what he's done and he's done it now. What do you think, Steven? He's in the middle of November and he's still being empathetic. He hasn't had a wank for like

16 days like, no, I just didn't get on. Yeah, I get what he did. I think it'd be very tough to go to your girlfriend. Did he propose? Yeah. Yeah, he proposed in New York. Proposed in New York as well. That's a big move that you've got to be sure.

Like proposing in fucking Asda or whatever is not as big of a deal as going to New York. No, it is more of a big deal it's more of a story in it it really is more of a story like oh my god he proposed in new york like every other dickhead what in the lifting tiffany's but but in asda that story will do the fucking rounds you know between friends family lad bible people will find out won't they? Put a ring in with the fucking breaded chicken. No, I don't want that bag, babe.

Get me a deeper one. No, no, no, the bigger bag of dippers. Keep going. That's an onion ring. How did you propose? How did I propose? We lived in Leeds at the time. Why is he nervous? I heard like a nervous laugh there. I just laughed.

She got fucking pregnant. I had pum pum juice everywhere. I thought I'm not going to do no better. Her dad was paying 5 Gs and I've never turned down a fucking golden monkey. What's five grand in the, like, you know when they talk about monkeys and...

Ten monkeys. Ten monkeys. Five grand's ten monkeys. Well, a monkey's 500 quid, isn't it? Ten monkeys. Ten monkeys. Five grand's ten monkeys. Well, a monkey's 500 quid, innit? Ten monkeys. Ten monkeys. It's called the monkey enclosure. They got like an ape at that point.

Yeah. Yeah. He spent a fucking... He spent a fucking orangutan. Yeah. I think though... Orangutan's ten grand. I think monkey's meant to be,

so you don't have to work it out. You're not meant to give them a maths problem, are you? Six and a half monkeys. Yeah. When it starts becoming pointless because you're not meant to give them a maths problem are you six and a half monkeys yeah when it starts becoming pointless because you're using more syllables

as a hundred and fifty monkeys I'm trying to buy your house three lizards and a goldfish come on how much is that

that's that's five grand three lizards and a goldfish three lizards so three lizards oh look at a mad cunt you call me

English cunt yeah you're trying to work it out aren't you yeah I am yeah a goldfish could be two grand right

a lizard is a grand and a goldfish is two grand you've got your numbers all off mate why is it not goldfish can't be worth twice a lizard what are we

what the fuck we've just stopped that 40 seconds oh my god I've never wanted to talk about Sean Collins more than just then anyway What the fuck? We've just stopped that 40 seconds already. Oh, my God. I've never wanted to talk about Sean Collins more than just then. Anyway, Sean Collins. How did you propose? We just went to a restaurant with me, Laura,

and her sister and her brother-in-law, and halfway through the meal, I got down on one knee, and she was out. You were tying your shoelace, and she was like, are you proposing? You were like, sure. Fuck it. She was out of options, and romance in your 30s.

Tick tock, let's make children. Celica thought I was proposing to her, you know, in Iceland. Oh. So we were in the Blue Lagoon in Iceland. It was snowing. It was on her birthday. Floating around with a cocktail. It was like fucking picture perfect.

She just turned to me slowly and why are you still stood up dickhead and she went are you gonna propose because it was perfect and i went no because i'd say no because we were like we're only kids or we're about 24 because we're not ready for marriage you can't be arsed with that we're gonna get married soon but she's like i'd say no i was like we've been in the blue lagoon for like 6 hours the ring would have

to be up my arse because I've got swimming shorts on you could have it on one of your toes it could have been on your dick Seneca

you're going to have to calm me down before you get this ring love I have been I have been rock solid for 5 and a half hours

if you want to get married you're going to have to stop looking good in that bikini kid either you think she's got massive fingers I have been rock solid for five and a half hours. If you want to get married, you're going to have to stop looking good in that bikini kit. Either you think she's got massive fingers or you think he's got a tiny dick. It's one of the two. How long have you been with your missus? Two and a bit years.

Any plans? No. Well, she said she wouldn't. She'd say no if I proposed. Jesus Christ, guys. You've had a really bad run of luck here with women just turning around to you. Stephen!

I know we're about to sit down in the restaurant, but no! I'll have a garlic bread, please. Wow. She does think of garlic. Sorry. That's a genuine problem in our relationship. She thinks of garlic?

Yeah. Does she like garlic, or is this just a natural? She likes garlic. A family... I think her dad's Israeli, so maybe there's different flavours over there. I'm so fucking white, aren't I?

They have different flavours. I think Jewish people smell of garlic. Am I right? Is that right? Or was that vampires? I can't remember. They wave it to ward off demons. Yeah.

Yeah. Maybe she's vegetarian, actually. They like garlic as well so yeah she heavy breathing anyway so she stinks of garlic

in the morning you need a wank squanto thinking about garlic it's getting you frisky oh god pizza hut go on

yeah so she stinks of garlic and I tell her I think I just say your breath smells like garlic and she hits me for it and I think there's nothing nothing wrong with that is that if you tell someone they've got bad breath you can't really do anything else if i have bad breath i want to know yeah it is a it is a

difficult one isn't it i remember being on a flight in in in italy with my dad when we went to watch the italian grand prix yeah and we'd been we got up really early because they're like the bus the bus to the track picked you up in the middle of this little italian it was so early and he had the worst dad breath in italy ever smell yeah and he just oh the cappuccinos for breakfast and it was just oh it was so bad but i i couldn't have gone like dad you sinks sort your life out like yeah it's very awkward but it's an awkward conversation to have it to you dad, you fucking sink. Sort your life out. It's very awkward. But it's an awkward conversation to have, isn't it?

I can't say it to you, Dad. No, I just ducked out. Well, Matty said, would you rather never be able to use toothpaste or toilet paper? That's a good question. From Matthew Matty. You've got to wipe your arse, haven't you?

I don't want to use toilet paper again. You still use mouthwash. That's true. On your arse? I do that now, I can't again. You still use mouthwash. That's true. On your arse. No. I do that now, I can't blank. Use your toothbrush for everything. Useful.

Yeah. So never be able to clean your mouth or never be able to clean your arse? Well, there's culture. No, you can clean your arse. Just a different thing. You've just got to buy a... A French one. A box there.

You've just got to wipe your arse off. A bidet. That's my favourite thing about Japan was the toilet seats. I've mentioned it before. What, because they clean your arse for you? They have a water gun on them? They're heated.

They've got sounds on them. They've, they're automatic. Ah, why? Can you imagine if you got to pre-recording and you just had a child's voice going, why, Kyle? Why? Yeah, because other people in cubicles

would wonder what was going on, wouldn't they? If that was the thing. Yeah. No, because they It's not their fucking face It's time to have their shit Imagine if you could control The sound of the toilet

Yeah yeah Oh I really need her shit You didn't have sound Don't strain Disgusting Yeah that's the one To go past Should have hit that one

So you'd rather be able To clean your mouth Than your arse your arse? No, my arse. My mouth. Oh, no, I'm keeping toothpaste and I'll get a B day. Yeah. What if the question is, though,

would you rather be able to only clean your mouth or only clean your arse? So you've either got a shitty arse all the time, or death breath. Can I get a colostomy bag, is that a thing? That where you just shit in a bag? Yeah. Because it touched it. You get plumbed in. Why? Do you know there was a girl? You look at me like, Dan, you must know about colostomy bag, is that a thing? Don't you just shit in a bag? Yeah. Because it touched it. You got plumbed in.

Why? Do you know there was a girl? You look at me like, Dan, you must know about colostomy bags. You're nearly 40. Are you wearing one now? I know I'm old, but I'm not colostomy bag old. Do you know there was a girl in my school

who never had a bum hole? She had a what? She never had a bum hole. It's a lie. She had one plumbed in. How? She was born with no bum hole. We've told this story before.

Her name was no erm it's a true story got plumbed in whoop god have you ever heard of Sean Collins

he's a really good comedian that I respect and like working with has he got Nobomow manscape.com I think it's just because we were talking about

assholes oh nice oh Jesus talking about assholes who stink, nice. Oh, Jesus. Talking about assholes who stink of shit and need to brush their teeth. Shut the fuck up. Stop it, nasty bitch.

What was the question? Which one? The original one was the... I'll just give you some... I'll give you a... My girlfriend was my first proper girlfriend as well. I was old. 23.

When you got your first girlfriend? 22, yeah. That's not bad. It is bad. Were you smashing Pum Pum before, though? What the fuck's going on with Pum Pum today? In a farmer. I lick your Pum Pum down.

Nice. Go on. What? Yeah I was just This in part We won an award today Steve This in part has been one of our best episodes And there's been three or four times Where everyone in the room has looked at each other and gone

Someone do something I struggled to Steve has literally gone i've got it several times our guest has gone lads i think you're having a joint aneurysm let me i've been doing this a while i think you've got mental what are you saying oh your first miss is a first girlfriend is my girlfriend now and uh and in head, when it comes to having sex, I was like, third date, you have to do it. And my third date was my birthday,

and she'd been to Magaluf, and she got a bottle of absinthe. So I was just shot in that. Oh, God. Then next thing I remember, I was crawling to the bathroom floor, just throwing up. So I obviously didn't have sex that night. Unless. No.

But then the fourth date, booked a hotel. Where? I lived at home with my mum, so I'm not going to. All right. Now you get, Christine. The locally booked hotel. Where should we go to? Round the corner.

It was a motel 1, which is just... Sexy. Overpriced and shit. Mama like that? Yeah, that's classic shag a hotel, innit? Yeah. Like, everyone in Motel 1 lives within seven miles of Motel 1. At different stages of the romantic, like, first shag.

First night out of the house since the divorce. So, anyway, we... of the romantic like first shag first night out of the house since the divorce so anyway we we got down to it as the kids say not that shag kids make one thing clear

if I can leave you with anything and it I just took forever to come fucking hell but yeah I

the two sentences to cross over like they did there I'm so sorry sorry that's what I said when we clocked in at hour two Jeremy

we played the DJ set oh on YouTube get your tits out love and spin this disc we're having a good time are you ready imagine if this was someone's first episode listening to this

I'll give this a try Imagine if this was someone's first episode listening to this. I'll give this a try. You put a DJ set on. Yeah. And then it didn't even come. Did you not come? No. Until the next morning. What?

Over your cocoa pops? Oh, God. I lasted ages there. Nine and a half hours. The next morning, yeah. I just shot. Randomly? No, no, sorry.

Should we walk on to the next one? You didn't have delayed gin. Oh! Yeah, it was terrible, though. In terms of sexual... Was that your first time? Yeah. Yeah, your first time's meant to be shit.

I was a loser, though. That's what I'm saying. Come on. How old were you? 27. No, I was 14. Was you really? Were you?

Fucking shagger! I was statutorily raped. What? I had sex with a 16-year- shaggy I was statutory raped what I had sex with a 16 year old and I was a minor so start them early and press them down

get down there kid get digging I don't have been working three years damn you found a wife I was I got fucked

on the toilet in a heebie jeebies in Lovepool that's where I I've been uh it wasn't fun on the toilet and uh heebie-jeebies and love pill that's where i've been there yeah yeah yeah i was dancing with a girl no I was with my mate and he'd been seeing some girl and this girl texted

him and was like I'm outside come and see me and he went I'll be back in a minute but I never had ID so he was like you stay here

because you might not get back in and he left and a girl came over to me and was like hey where's your mate gone I was like I'll go outside

see and she literally took me by the hand took me to the toilet pushed me on the toilet seat pulled me pants down fucked me and left and I've never seen or the hand took me to the toilet pushed me on the toilet seat pulled me pants down fucked me and left

and I've never seen or spoken about her or to her since fuck what the world needs now yeah I've never known her name

and she took my virginity and talk is the right word yeah how old are you 17 it's like being moked

that you realise it's happening yeah are we three white l It's like being mugged, that. You realise it's happening. Are we three white lads talking about being like, we've been hurt, actually? This is my story! I don't know what we're trying to do in 2020. We're victims as well. The worst part of that was,

so the next day, and I'm 22 at this point, no, 23, I went for a wee, and my penis was a lot bigger, and I... That's what happens the thing is Stephen

you're only 25 now I know but it was a long time ago I was 22 maybe 23 I remember the spring of 2018

god because it was because it was swollen obviously from you know swollen two hours of just rubbing latex

against the vagina poor girl and and I thought it got bigger and I was like getting flashbacks to men's toilets when I was a kid

going oh it looks like this I'm a man now now it's happened then it shrunk back to you know flowered

oh you thought that the first time you did it it was like pump and then you have a penis

a white hammer you thought that's what time you did it, it was like, pump! And then you have a penis. Yeah. A white hammer. You thought that's what happened? Yeah. It goes in a vagina and something happens in there. Yeah. What, like a caterpillar?

Yeah. Comes out a beautiful butterfly. This is it, yeah. That's a butterfly. That's a butterfly. Caterpillar. Strictly cum dancing. Butterfly.

Just like to share that story with people we're very glad that you did and we will make that the promo clip for the episode I'll send it to you you can use it share it

send it to your family well they know mum I know you've been wondering you're still a virgin I had a big dick for an hour and a half here you go

longer than your father I remember once my mum, I can't believe I'm going to tell this story, my mum made a joke that implied I've got a bigger dick than my dad. Really? Yeah. Had she seen it? No. So what happened was

I was about 15, 16 16 something like that and I went to so my dad's a size 7 shoe size 7 dick nothing to compete with me though and I just bought a pair of footy boots that were a 7 and a half

I'm an 8 and a half now right so his penis is bigger but I went, hey mum, I've got fucking bigger feet than my dad. And she went, yeah, not surprised. Probably got something else bigger than him as well. Fucking hell.

She's a fucking angel. Your mum was doing dick jokes. What a fucking childhood. Of course you have, Adam. They're in a novelty T-shirt. Your dad's got a small cock.

I touch small cocks, I make bigger ones. Oh, God. Can we get that printed, please? Yeah, of course. I want a T-shirt with saying, I touch small dicks, but I make bigger ones. Hashtag gone too soon.

Could have been a great... Come on, we can do this, Mum. We've done it 12 times now. Mum. Mum, but if you can hear me, I've got a bigger dick than you. but if you can hear me I've got a bigger dick than you Stephen tries

my dad doesn't know how to work the podcast let's hope Sean Collins doesn't I hope he does this has been an absolute pleasure Stephen tries you look very relaxed with being on this podcast. Yeah, I feel like I'm settled now. I'm ready to go.

Shall we start? Yeah. Yeah. Anything you'd like to add? Talk to any enemies? Maybe find the girl who fucking ripped your virginity from you? If she's out there, by the the way if you do listen to this and you know she can you

please get in touch because I'd love to give her another go I've got loads better I haven't it's pathetic Stephen's either

very funny or I feel sorry for him and you want to poke children in need is either very funny or I feel sorry for him. And you want to plug? Children in need. Great charity doing good work. We are doing a lockdown lock-in.

We're filming it tomorrow. It's going on patreon.com slash have a word pod on Friday the 20th of November me, Dan and Carl who's going to sit on the couch for the first time ever

we're going to get hammered it's going to be good if you aren't already a patron go and sign up you get an extra episode every week you get early access to these public ones and you get the odd bonus like a lockdown lock-in

discounts on merch start at three quid a month go-in discounts on merch start three quid a month go and find steven on youtube the steven tries podcast thanks so much for coming down mate it's been a wonderful load of nonsense but it's been great i've got some homemade cheesecake for us now as well nailed it that's what it goes bueno kobe i know you want to say something cal no you just want cheesecake yeah yeah i just put his hand up for jesus bye felicia