Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #95 with Vittorio Angelone - IN STUDIO - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: November 23, 2020

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Thanks so much for downloading the Have A Word podcast. We really appreciate it. This is the public episode. It goes out every Monday. Did you know we do an extra episode? It comes out every Wednesday. It's the Patreon exclusive. So to become a patron, to essentially subscribe to the podcast,

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Really appreciate it. Now now i'm getting the word nuts oh you think darkness is your ally you merely adopted the dark i was born in it molded by it who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? When she pick it up every time she starts to talk, give her the dick. Disgusting! She'll be like, hello. What I'm doing? This is when you get it.

What I'm doing? Oh, none. Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios, hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England, these are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube. Ja! Upset me!

Don't be a rat. Download, subscribe and tell a friend. It's the one and only. Have a word. Oh, jeez. Are you a Pepsi or a Coke, man? Can't be doing Pepsi. No. Well, I drink the old diets unless it's fucking holiday and I'm treating myself to full sugar. Yeah, I'm normally the same, but we are out of Diet Coke,

so I'm drinking the Pepsi that I brought to mix with my rum, because I can't have Diet Coke with alcohol. It just ruins it. It's pretty fucking pointless, that, isn't it? No, I prefer Diet Coke to Diet Pepsi. I do, but I prefer Pepsi to Coke, but I also prefer Coke Zero and the whole Coke Zero range to Pepsi Max and the Pepsi Max range.

Oh, Pepsi Max is weird, isn't it? It tastes more of the sweetener than anything. Yeah, it just tastes fake. Yeah, but on holiday, ooh, get me a full sugar beverage. Also, what I love on holiday is, like, Fanta Limon. From, like, a glass bottle in Greece, you're like, ooh. Holiday Fanta's. Holiday crisps. Oh, get me some Lay's. from like a glass bottle in Greece you're like holiday fantas holiday crisps

get me some lays the only time I eat fucking ruffles when I'm off the fucking off the island I absolutely love foreign crisps do you know that reference fiat 500 twitter

no fiat 500 twitter is like you know all like the young girls with like lips and they're just like i just need to be in the cinema with a tango ice blast like those girls well they they do exactly what you're i just need to be on a beach somewhere with a pack of lays and a phantom lemon i want me Holiday Fanta's. Oh, yes. They all drive Fiat 500s and cream Mini Coopers with eyelashes on them. I know that I literally, I think I live next door to one. I, yeah, I don't feel like I identify with that group of people apart from in the appreciation of foreign pop.

Can you imagine you on holiday with the girls? A load of Fiat 500 Twitters, then all in the Fiat 500s and Volkswagen Beetles with fucking fake tits and a bikini and you turn up in your fucking Volvo with your fucking Muslim cap on from last week. 2020 though, I can be anything I want to be now. What do you want to be?

A 22-year-old single girl called Natalie. That's what I was thinking i was doing how dare you stop me living my reality it's my truth i need my truth soon card and show and yesterday yeah and uh left down the gears and um obviously when you women pay less don't they yeah and like on the thing you can choose whether you're a man or a woman if i put woman yeah and just tell them i'm a woman yeah can they argue with me no they can't so i like it will i pay less because you identify as a woman when getting cars insured yeah yeah right the thing is technically based on the current set of at least social norms i don't know whether it's written into law yet. I think that's a part

of a fight for the trans community but I think you could argue in court that it's up to you because they've asked you for your gender, not your sex. So yeah, you could say I'm a woman and if next week there's something cheaper as a man and you decide you're a man

they could just go, well you said you're a woman, can go yeah well i'm fluid i'm gender fluid gender fluid especially when it makes me savings yeah so i'm very like non-binary when it comes to like norwich union and aviva that's where i really find that i don't think the trans community would appreciate i'm not being flippant by the way way. I'm just... Straight white men just going, well, you know, they've fought for all this justice, but I want fucking 200 quid off me car insurance. So I'll say what I'm like, but anyone can be anything you want to be.

I want to be a 55-year-old divorcee called Barbara and pay 22 quid a year on car insurance. It's my truth. I identify as someone who lives in a really safe neighborhood exactly yeah i identify i identify my car as a one litre fiesta it doesn't matter that it's a fucking yeah no hang on my car identifies i think people who are fighting for gender politics aren't gonna be like do you know what if you're a n Micra, you can be a fucking Pontiac Firebird. If you want, you can be any car you want to be

and see how a World Rally Championship goes. Yeah, no, I don't think it goes that far. But one day it will. That's where we're going. There'll be a time in the future where you'll get pulled over and the police will go, you got insurance? You go, I don't need an insurance. This is a fucking skateboard.

And they're like, no, it isn't. Like, define skateboard. I'm a ghost. I identify as a ghost. I'm just going to float away here, lad. Yeah, I like the idea that you could just be whatever you wanted to be for any specific set of circumstances.

Like if you're busting for a piss and there's just the women's toilets, be like, I know I've got a dick and balls, but I was going to piss myself as a piss and there's just the women's toilets be like I know I've got a dick and balls but I was going to piss myself as a man out there well that's that's an argument

against the trans community isn't it that's like a big thing is like a lot of them go no no you can't let people just decide what bathroom they want to use

because what's going to happen here is men are going to say the women go in the women's toilets and then just start fucking wanking at them you can't be doing that you can't be letting fucking Jeff and women go in the women's toilet and then just start fucking wanking at them. You can't be doing that.

You can't be letting fucking Jeff and the boys in the girls' toilets. There's going to be cum all over the minutes. Yeah. Is that the whole reason for it to be shut down? That is genuinely though. We have to live with pervy wankers in our bathroom. That's your fucking fault. He's got a dick.

You've got a dick. Like there's weirdos in every bathroom but I I suppose, like, girls, like, young girls go into those bathrooms. So I could see why that sort of, like, touchy right wing, like... Well, it's not necessarily a touchy right wing thing. There's a group of feminists called TERFs, T-E-R-F, which is a trans-exclusionary radical feminist. Is this where J.K. Rowling's been banging a drum? Or she's been accused of being part of that?

Sort of. So what they are is people who are like, look, you can decide if you want to decide you're a woman, but we don't have to accept that you are, and you're not allowed to use our bathroom because we don't feel safe, because you could just be a man pretending you identify as a woman just so you can come in and see our fannies.

Right. Yeah. That's what those people. And then there's a big split in the feminist movement because a lot of feminists are like, no, everyone who's a woman or claims to be a woman or identifies as a woman should be allowed say that they're a woman, and we should welcome them as we welcome all women. And then the TERFs are like, absolutely fucking not. These are men who've never suffered the lack of privilege that we have as women.

They've gone through their whole life with privilege, and now they've decided, no, I want to be able to use whatever bathroom I want, and fuck men. So, if you're opening a venue now and you want it to be 2020 you'd have to have a women's bathroom for everyone who's like listen i feel like a woman today i might not tomorrow yeah and then you've got to have a women's bathroom that's for like women who are like fuck off yeah i've been there i went to tammy girl i've done the start of bra

thing i've been through it you've not been through it and then what another like a like a unisex bathroom yeah and then what is there any more

variations of women pissed off about pissing and then a disabled and then a bloke's could we like we'll just get our dick out anyway to be honest yeah

do it in a fucking bushy outside if needs be just don't trigger me do you feel triggered do you reckon it'll go to sport what Do you reckon it'll go to sport? What? Do you reckon it'll go to sport? Well, it has gone to sport, hasn't it?

Yeah. Caster Semenya. No, Caster Semenya's a woman. That's a woman? She's just a bit butch. She's not trans. Do you know her name is an anagram of Yes, a secret man. He's not even messing. If you're a fucking Illuminati

if I'm not a fucking conspiracist however Kastasamania is she's just got she's just she's got higher testosterone

than usual hasn't she got isn't she a hermaphrodite no I think that was a rumour yeah she had to I don't think that was I think she had to prove it

in like a they had to have an Olympic committee check under the frock. Yeah. That is... That feels like a low point, doesn't it? Yeah.

Get your clit out. For the Olympic committee. And they've been involved in some fucking dodgy fucking low points. Like, okay, we have Dr. Sebastian Fritzl from the IOC. And I cast a... Oh! My God! Okay, you're okay.

You said it's actually gone to sport. There's men playing women's sports with women. I, um... There was arguments about it because there was someone who was born male who transitioned and became a woman, wanted to compete against other women in the UFC. And Dana White in the UFC went, no.ana white went no yeah joe rogan's

weighed in on this yeah and he's now like has been called all sorts of like alt-right and like anti-trans hasn't he because he weighed in and went listen i'm he's pretty liberal and then he just goes but i don't think if you've been bored with them shoulders you should be allowed to beat the fuck out of... Bill Bear had a routine of us, didn't he? He was like, forgive me. He's like, maybe just I'm an old guy, I have no idea, but that is a dickless dude beating the shit out of a woman.

Oh, gee. It's such a complicated debate that none of us really know enough to properly weigh in on. But it does seem a little bit of an advantage doesn't it to have grown as a man grown as a male become an adult male got grown up without all that testosterone the testosterone the the added muscle that that gives you and then gone i'm ranked there was i'm pretty sure there was a cyclist as well who was ranked like 275th in the world as a male as a man and then transitioned to be a woman and was like winning races and i was like how's he how's she done it and it's like yeah do you reckon this and i also

didn't have to deal with the dick and balls on the on the seat in the way that's yeah yeah that's a help in it so that's an extra fucking check and That's just getting in the way. That's a help innit. So that's an extra fucking Do you reckon there's a benefit in doing the way round? What? A woman becoming Do you reckon there's any sport that's a benefit? Ballet. Not competitive. The sport of ballet. Ballet is competitive. Friday night ballet!

Anything's competitive if you make it competitive. No, I don't mean if you don't compete. I can ballet better than you. But has no one's ever done that? It's not a sport is it? Like ballet better than you. Yeah, but as no one's ever done that, it's not a sport, is it? Like, yeah, it is. If it's competitive, no one's ever been like, these two ballet dancers face off in the ballet octagon.

That is probably the only time I'd watch ballet, is if it was competitive. I can't really watch anything unless someone really wants to fucking win. Do you know what I mean? Right. Yeah. It's not entertaining to me

if there's not a competition involved. I'm too competitive. Right. Yeah. yeah well any of the arts any you like competitive theater yeah fucking early bashed out that monologue the last guy was shit slam poetry slam poetry rap battles oh yeah yeah everything's best like i can watch it without competition but it's improved with competition there's another element of the entertainment so the royal ballet you're looking to increase your coffers for 2021 yeah competitive absolutely yeah competitive coronation street oh dear here we go come on get it over and done with for today

oh god how how did he get us to there I was like I think we're pretty I think we might be Kevin Webster free competitive Kevin Webster yeah it's slightly

does feel slightly dodgy but the sport thing is is absolutely it's very easy I always worry in this situation like

how are you going to look back in 20 years? And were you just a bit behind the time on the thinking? Like there's certain things that even recently I look back five, 10 years and you go, yeah, I was pretty like, well, what are they on about? And now I've updated my, my sort of like, you know, I don't, but on this one, like, it feels like you're not, I'm trying not to be anti-trans but at what point do the women in that sport go I've just got my head kicked in by someone that was called Jeff three years ago

I mean and they could be they might not be like in the turf side of things they might be really pro Come in, use the toilet Respect You're right. Fucking, don't do ground and power, love.

You stubble the nightmare. At least shave the beard off, Shirley. At least try. Yeah, I think it's sort of how every conversation is at the minute, both politically, socially, everything. It's either you're here or there, it's sort of how every conversation is at the minute, both politically, socially, everything, it's either you're here or there, and with almost everything in the world, the answer always lies in the middle, extreme sides of every argument are always, when you look at them, fucking stupid, and the arguments of, are trans women women, the answer being either yes, in every single way,

women women the answer being either yes in every single way of course yes or no no they're not fuck them keep your dick like both of those things are fucking stupid and how those people identify on the binary scale and on the you know the gender spectrum isn't as clear as like it's not like light switch on light switch off it's like sexuality with gay or straight. It all works on that spectrum. But people love, and we've said this way back, everything on Twitter, none of the sort of middle ground rises to the top in the trending because it's way more retweetable to be like, you fucking hell, it's ridiculous.

I don't think everyone should be allowed. Those are the two extremes that bubble to the top. you're like, fucking hell, it's ridiculous. I just think everyone should be allowed. Those are the two extremes that bubble to the top. I think a problem is, for such a long time, it's all surrounding the language around it, really, because gender and sex, up until about two and a half years ago, the same thing to most people and to this day to a lot of people they're the same thing if you were born with a dick you're a man you're born with a fanny you're a woman that's been the thing for so medical for so long but doctors say you're a you've

got a fanny it's a fucking girl but because of that it's like to, to use the UFC as another example, there's the men's competition and the women's competition. If you want to fix it so that no one can argue, turn it into the male competition and the female competition because that's about born in sex then. So you can be like, yeah, you were born male and you've transitioned into a woman, but you're still male. You can never change your sex.

You're a male. And that means even though you've now got a vagina and a pair of tits, you've still got to fight Conor McGregor next Sunday. Do you know what I mean? Right. That would, because then there's no arguments. I think that would be a disadvantage.

It would. I think Conor would punch in the tits. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, pop a stitch out. Do you not think the women can do that as well? I think any woman in the UFC has ever thought,

I'll just jab her in the fucking nipples. Can you nipple twist in the UFC? Is that allowed? No, you can't tickle either. Yeah. I told you that, didn't I? Yeah, yeah, yeah. In related news, I'm having a child,

and I don't, you know, I wouldn't want to identify their gender on their behalf. What about its sex, though? Its sex. Yeah. Did you find that out? I mean, I saw a dick, but we'd have to speak to the child in 18 years

because it might just be, yeah, we're having a boy. You're having a boy! We're having a boy! Who will one day maybe decide to be male. No, he is male. Yeah. He might decide to be a man. Yeah. Yeah. Or he might decide to be a man yeah yeah or he might decide to be a fucking lob the dick off get in the tour de france go on go on lad no ball chafe up a

fucking mountain so i know you've got a daughter already but this is quite a laddie podcast of time so having a boy means this could be the first official here to the Hathaway throne. Here? Here? Here? Here? Here? Here? Here? Here? I will be doing it. I'll be doing it in the Countess of Chester.

Can you keep it down, Lord Covid rules? Fucking yes, mate. So I need to have a boy now, so that in like 18 years, when we're ready to retire, we're at billions of pounds from the Havre Word network. Havre Word can carry on. So we'll have your kid, my kid on the desk.

We'll have Carl's kid over there, Finn's kid over there. Havre Word seniors, please let us like, live from the old people's home. That'd be amazing. I mean, the audio is not great, you know, because the fucking dentures keep rattling,

but it's still the original format. You want to do Hathaway Juniors like Ice Club 70? Yeah, that's what I want. And then they can just grow up to become another band as well. Yeah, but we take loads of the money. Yeah, we're on an 80% commission. Dad, I just want to, like, mow the lawn. Fuck off!

Get in that podcast studio! Like Britney Spears, have you seen her? She's still fucked, isn't she? What? Britney Spears. What about Britney Spears have you seen her she's still fucked isn't she what Britney Spears what about Britney Spears where the fuck's that come from her dad owns

her career basically oh really and she's just lost well she's yeah because she's been deemed unfit to control her own finances

because she had several episodes that threatened herself and her children but yeah she basically went can my dad not control my money please and the court went no you basically went can my dad not control my money please and the court went

no you're batshit basically that's the transcript I tell you I feel like an abridged version oh yeah

well I've actually got I've actually got the court papers here I look at Etta sometimes she's three and I like I have to tell her to wash her hands

after she's pooed sometimes i have to wipe her ass if she doesn't and i'm like it's constant like these are the rules don't do that you'll fall down there please do that eat that if you don't eat that you're going to be tired please go to the toilet if you need a piss great one you've pissed on the bathroom floor like it's constant like to relinquish the control as they get old like the last six months of the relationship with jade wipeipe your arse, wash your hands, you're pissed on the floor again.

This is a public episode. I know it is. Oh, okay, good. Yeah, Adam was talking like he was a patron up in this motherfucker. I wasn't talking like I said that to her. She said that to me.

Right, okay, good. Jade, you've weed again. How the fuck could a woman wee on the floor? You'd have to have a hell of a wonky flap there, wouldn't you?

What? For a woman to wee on the floor you'd have to have a hell of a wonky flap there wouldn't you what for a woman to wee on the floor i think it's more about misjudging when you when you you you're gonna have to go in the toilet it's not like a hovering over and then missing by two meters a wonky flap that's what uh the labia are for directing piss like have you ever piss have you ever gone bowling with a special kid and they put the inflatable things down the side that's what flaps are for women's wee oh it's going everywhere but if you had a big enough flap and it was at an angle you could have a wee out of it and it would come up like a fucking

water shoot Jesus Christ she's weeing in the bath do you have a wee on the floor a little bit by accident, do you ever dribble a bit towards the end Jesus Christ You could though She's weeing in the bath Yeah Do you ever wee on the floor A little bit by accident Do you ever dribble a bit Towards the end

I get bored of weeing And I'm like Ah it must be done I'm like Oh no I wasn't Fuck On the floor Are you doing it from a distance

Like sometimes Do you ever get a little bit of dust On your On your japs eye or something And you start weeing And it sort of goes And it does that thing of like Just sends it off and you have to like readjust

Sometimes like Have you ever had that? I've had it but it doesn't happen I've got a dusty dick I've been married A bit of jizz maybe like after you've just had sex Lies, lies, no, come on You haven't got a dry plug of jizz in your dick.

No, but like after you've just had sex, sometimes you wee off at an angle, don't you? Really? When you merge lanes, innit? Yeah. What? It's like merging lanes. You've got two lanes in your dick,

the jizz and the piss. But they come out at the end, like bottlenecks, don't they? So I'm having a son. Yeah, sometimes after you've just had sex You go for a wee And you think you're going Because your dick strays And it goes

Whoa Off to the Yeah yeah yeah Yeah that's what I'm talking about It's really nice the wee after sex isn't it When you have a piss after You've bonked You're like

Oh it's like Extra enjoyment isn't it Can be yeah Yeah Yeah So we went into Window of the womb In ellesmere port to do a private gender reveal yeah and um went in and they're all really friendly because you're paying

you're used to nhs like nightingale come on love is fucking covid everywhere 17 people dead today and then in window of the room like you're right i'm laura as well the funniest thing i've ever heard and then you go in and there's three women um and my natural instinct is to flirt just you know like to be a bit flirty and there is never a more inappropriate time to flirt with women when you're getting a gender reveal scan on your massively pregnant wife that's next to you when you say flirt because you say it's inappropriate but there's there's levels of flirt and just being a bit funny and nice is can be flirting but were you like hey what are you doing saturday like what what level of flirt are we talking like you've taken flirting

and added layers to it like that's like trying to get laid in it yeah it? Yeah. I just feel like, you know, when you're just, you're being a bit flirty, you're being a bit fun and whatever, and it just, you get in there and you're like, okay, don't do any of that. So I felt quite nervous and they put the, like, they put the, like, jizzy stuff on Laura's tummy and start doing the, so we've got... What is that stuff?

Is it Vaseline? Vaseline. It's been a WD-40. Fucking hell. I can't get purchased on this tummy. I think it's KY Jelly. Is it Vaseline? Vaseline It's been a WD40 Fucking hell I can't get purchase on this tummy I think it's KY Jelly Is it? Yeah yeah yeah

I thought KY Jelly was like lube I think it's got a Well there's a lube isn't it So they can move the thing around the belly without I've just remembered something I've just had a proper flashback and it's horrible It's a bit lubey It's a little bit lubey

And a Oh god Big barrel in the corner Hold your flashback Just hold your flashback big barrel in the corner hold your flashback just hold your flashback big barrel in the corner what's up it's a flashback to lube isn't it can i just finish this story without you having a mental breakdown about fingering someone's arsehole with lube it's so much worse than me fingering someone's arsehole i remember it do you want me to i want dan to finish no no it's gone isn't dance if it's just for me. No, no, it's fine. It's gone, innit? He's gone. He

now has to tell this story. Because look, there's no point. And I'll end up the story and he'll be like, go on. I went in the bathroom after my mum had been in the bath and there was KY Jelly just on the radiator. Jesus Christ. When I was like,

it was like a few years after How big was she she did she need to lube the bathtub I don't know she'd obviously been getting herself off in the bath me ma

no that doesn't work I don't know I just remember it viscosity like does the jelly work I just remember

going mum what's this and she went doesn't matter don't mention that to anyone lube in the bath it was in the bathroom right I don't know whether she I don't know I don't mention that to anyone. Lube in the bath. It was in the bathroom.

Right. I don't know whether she, I don't know. I don't know. Maybe she had a really big poo and she needed to like butter the fucking lane up before it came on.

I don't know whether that's better or worse. And when you've not got KY jelly, you use butter. So what? No, she was an adult woman. She had needs.

My dad had gone. Oh, fair play. God, good God. I don't think there's, what are the other uses for KY jelly? Not to call your mum like a bit of a... I don't... I'm just trying to defend her honour.

What does it look... I've never seen it. Is it like a see-through... Is it something that's like jelly? I didn't find like a bowl of jelly. It was in the tube. No, no, but... It looked like...

It's just like clear gel, isn't it? It just looked like really fancy toothpaste to me because it It was in the tube. No, no, but it looked like... It's just like clear gel, isn't it? It just looked like really fancy toothpaste to me because it was just in a tube. I was like, Mum, you've left your toothpaste. She's like, it's not for me. I'm fucking not, lad. It's for me, rat. Yeah.

I would never have told that on this if I hadn't just had that Vietnam-style flashback. Yeah. Do you think it was for anything else? I want it to be for something else. Hair gel? Hair gel. Yeah, yeah.

My mum always had hair gel on. Mum was a bit of a greaser. Oh, my God. I met a guy tonight. There's something about Manny. So we're in the gender suite where they're doing the thing. And I just got a bit excited. And they were like, they've got you on like a big screen

and obviously because I've done it before when I took when we went in there they're showing you a little baby and you see a leg and then a head like oh isn't it cute I'm like it looks like a fucking alien like they're because they're being paid they're very much like oh the baby's arm like is it so I start thinking well I'm looking for a dick because you are aren't you i've had a girl before and there's nothing to see they know what they're looking for but as a fucking you know a tourist to the looking at baby scans i was like i'm basically looking for a dick and i said it out loud i'm looking for a dick i went i'm looking for a penis and they were like and i was like but because the woman laughed nervously i turned and i went but you are on

you that's the game you're looking for a willy and laura went stop saying willy and then held my arm like she's trying to she literally has a belly out and she was like, he's just excited, which is code for shut the fuck up. Because I did it. I got too excited. And there's like a little thin door and there's like a waiting area with other people in. And I'm there going, it's about seeing a willy. You've got to see a penis.

It's a fucking cringy moment. And then Big Beryl thought that was the banter of like, oh, this dad obviously really wants a son and then big beryl thought that was the banter of like oh this dad obviously really wants a son and then wouldn't stop fucking chipping in so i got bollocked by laura slyly like he's excited shut the fuck up so i didn't say anything she was like oh god he mainly wants some boy don't he he wants a boy and i don't i wasn't that bothered like i was happy either way you actually sort of wanted a girl didn't you I was I was prep for a girl because we've had a girl

and then you had you like I'm just going to be one of them dads that's got girls but it's pretty nice it's exciting to can I have a little have you got a

a name in mind Jack Jack I've got a little brother called Jack I know that's what I thought of you when it was going

yeah Jack's Jack Nightingale sounds like he's handy as well Jack Alexander Nightingale is... Yeah. Jack Nightingale sounds like he's handy as well. Jack Alexander Nightingale is what we're... Jack Nightingale sounds like he could smash someone's head in. Yeah, sounds handy. Fucking 19th century bare-knuckle boxer.

Yeah. Jack Nightingale. Yeah. So, it was an exciting... Sounds like he could have his own programme on ITV4. Jack Nightingale. Jack Nightingale. Crime fighting.

Do you like it? I think it works. There's a lot of Jacks knocking about. Yeah,ingale. Crime fighting. Do you like it? I think it works. There's a lot of Jacks knocking about. Yeah, I like it. Yeah. Do you know there's an app called Kinder? Kinder. That's like Tinder.

But for kids. But for kids. Swipe left if you're a nonce. So you download it with your missus. She's got Kinder as well. You've got kinder And then they just suggest names to you And if you don't like it you swipe left

And if you like it you swipe right And when you've got a match So for baby names It's not just showing your kids like do you want this one It's not an adoption would you like to fuck a kid app Jesus Christ You said what tinder For kids

You didn't say it's a baby name app Sorry Jesus Christ. You said, what, Tinder for kids? Yeah. You didn't say, it's a baby name app. Sorry. You said it's like Tinder for kids. I'm not paraphrasing. That is the quote. It's like Tinder for kids. There's a four-year-old in eight miles away.

Oh, listen, I want to touch a kid, but I'm not driving. Listen, I'm a paedophile, but I like local kids. No, it's kids' names. Kids' names. Right, okay. Good. I love it when you look at me like this. You're like, this life will never be mine,

and it will be one day. It will be. It's coming. I want kids. I do want kids. A few years, you know. Need to meet the right girl. All that, you know. Or someone meet the right girl. All that.

You know? Or someone who identifies as a girl. No. Oh, yeah. I want a born-in one. Adam, I've always loved you. Yeah. We can adopt.

Yeah. It's just, yeah. We could adopt, if not. I think. You too. Even like 10 years. Because I know how much Carl loves his missus Raise a child on FIFA

Do you know if that ever goes down the pan I know how much commitment And effort And time you've put into that relationship You'd just You'd be single forever I think Probably I think you'd just be like

Fuck this If it didn't work out with her It's not going to work out with anyone That's how much he loves his girlfriend And I feel like For like Tax reasons or something We'd get married And we'd just adopt a load of kids out with anyone that's how much he loves his girlfriend and I feel like for like tax reasons or something

we'd get married and we'd just adopt a load of kids and just form our own five-a-side footy team amazing yes we'll have a way

to sponsor the kit we did it anyway amazing well I've got Jack so if you have any boys I've got a boxed Jack off you're going to have to think of your own names

we've got one we need four more Felicia you've got a girl's name Fel You're going to have to think of your own names We've got one We need four more Felicia You've got a girl's name Felicia Yeah Keep it on the pod Yeah

You two having kids What a fucking disaster We'd be fucking boss dads What do you mean? Disaster What a disaster We'd be boss dads Because you know what?

We know What kids want So we'd be like Do you know what? You don't want to go to school Don't have to lad You want to play FIFA? Play FIFA

You want spaghetti for FIFA? Play FIFA. You want spaghetti for breakfast? Spaghetti for breakfast? I'd let the kid choose its own destiny instead of putting societal pressure on it and conforming to the norms. Do you want to wear

You sound like such a smackhead parent like, no, listen to me, mate. Society tells them they've not got to do glue at 11 and go to school and that.

I don't believe in it. I let destiny raise my kids. I mean, three are dead and two are in care, but that's destiny, innit? No, but I feel like it's always the woman in the relationship who's like, no, we need to put the kid in school and you're a dickhead and don't be, like, we're both mavericks.

We could raise the kid. We are mavericks. P.S. I think you should do this speech at the adoption agency. Oh, my God. Listen, love. Listen, love. Yeah, we want five.

I'm not one of... Who fucking wants one? You don't want one. You want five. You can't play five aside. We can't play one aside, dickhead. And we're mavericks me and Carl

we know what kids want FIFA spaghetti for breakfast why are you closing the door don't lock the fucking door exactly

KY Jelly see this is what he does it's a heretic thing this is what he does all the time he takes the piss right and then when it

happens and it works he'll be like I'm sorry because it happens all the time he's always like that'll be fucking stupid that don't be a dickhead and then it'll works, he'll be like, I'm sorry. Because it happens all the time. He's always like, that'll be fucking stupid.

That don't be a dickhead. And then it'll pan out. It'll be sound. And then he'll be like, do you know what? I fucked up there. You were right. Can my kid play and go? And we'll be like, it can be a sub.

Right. Okay. Well, I will get my apology ready. Because what you've got to think of, right, is, oh, who wants one? I want five. Out there, sometimes, right, sometimes, very rare, but sometimes, and I will because what you've got to think of right oh who wants who wants one or one five out there sometimes right

sometimes very rare but sometimes people get pregnant with five babies you have quintuplets right and that can be

too much pressure and often they'll give up the quintuplets because they'll be like I only expected one kid can't deal with it right

because it's a newest relationship to be together do they give away four no keep the best one. Because you can't split them up. Oh, right, right, right.

So they give up. No, no, no, no. He's obviously done the research. So they give up. I love it when his eyes, his eyes, he's like alive. He's alive. They give up all.

He's alive with his own bullshit. They give up all five. I want it, whoa! I'm not doing five! Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop! Get out! Exactly. But then at the adoption agency,

they're ideally looking for someone who will take all five. Not easy. Couples who've been together a few years and have decided to adopt or whatever, they don't want to take all five on. It's hard. Sometimes they get split up.

They give them all like a fifth of a medallion hoping they come back together one day. Is that how it happens? How many animated films have you been watching recently? But what they really want is all five to go to one home and be raised together and that's where me and him can come in

yes and we call them the power rangers that'll be the names do you know your inner relationship if Serica's watching this she's gonna be like what I thought we were gonna have babies

Serica will just be happy that she's never gonna have to push a child out she can keep all five exactly she could a child out. She can keep... Or five. Exactly. She could live with us. Seraka can come live with us. I don't mind.

She can have her own room. Having five kids. Yeah. Power rangers. But not just five kids. Five little fucking legends. That's where the KY jelly comes in. How big was your head at birth?

Maybe it was left over. I was a cesarean, mate. Were you? Fucking ask how cesarean mate were you fucking lascow cesarean chop her up lube her up get her out I was an emergency cesarean

and then my little brother was a planned cesarean because I was an emergency yeah like they flapped it because like I was fucking like doing karate or something and they were like

we need to get him out now doing karate in the womb I was just like fucking let me out lad and they went let's just cut him out hey mate we've got to get him out he's a fucking ninja they the womb. I was just like, fucking let me out, lad. And they went, let's just cut him out.

Hey, mate, we've got to get him out. He's a fucking ninja. They don't flap it. They go through the belly. Kirby! Hey, come on! Come on! Kirby!

Bah! Nah! Well. Yeah? Wasn't that a mystery fucking tour of a first section? I honestly think me and Carl would be the best dads.

You think you are the best at a lot of things, though, and you love him, and I don't know if it would be the best thing for the kids. I genuinely don't see a problem. I know it's not normal, and I know I was half taking the piss for a bit there, but I don't see where it could possibly go wrong answers to haveawordpod at gmail.com

having a kid with someone you and Laura will be together forever you just will you just know it works you said amazing you support her

she supports you you've got two kids and you both know forever for now exactly come right

but relationships end trust me I know okay you've been hurt I'm never going to break up with him no If no. Forever. For now. Exactly. Come on. Right. But relationships end. Trust me. I know. Okay? You've been hurt. I'm never going to break up with him. Nope. Not allowed.

So the kids will always have a stable home. Do you know what I mean? Not living in stables. Horses. Come on, mate! Mate, we're never going to break up. Finn, is the fire extinguisher around? I'm on fire.

We're never going to break up. If, like, you know, arguments in a relationship, you've seen how often me and him argue, up. Finn is the fire extinguisher around because I'm on fire. We're never going to break up. You know arguments in a relationship. You've seen how often me and him argue and as soon as the argument's had it's done innit.

There's no resentment it's just over. Don't need to talk about it. There's no grudges held. We'd be fucking boss parents.

We'd never argue in front of the kids. We'd go in the garden call each other to come back in make their tea let them have a game of FIFA play a bit of Kaplunk. Sounds like northern parenting in front of the kids. We'd go in the garden, call each other to come, come back in, make their tea, let them have a game of FIFA, play a bit of Kaplunk. Sounds like Northern parenting, actually. Kaplunk?

Kaplunk. Do you want to play Kaplunk with the kids? No, I don't. I'd be hard to play in Monopoly. Yeah, but you, like, I'm just saying different, you can't play Monopoly every day. Are you two actually getting into this? Did you have your first, like, lover's tiff? Like, hey, love, don't want to play Kaplunk. I see my kids as more Monopoly. You've got to have a few options, though. Did you have your first, like, lover's tiff? Like, hey, love, I don't want to play Cup of Luck.

I see my kids as more monopoly. You've got to have a few options, though. You want to play Risk? I'd like to play Risk with them. Bit of Risk. Bit of Cluedo. Yeah. Yeah?

Game Night at the fucking... What was that? The Roglers? The Roglers? Yeah. You don't need to double battle it, because then they're Tory. You can't be the Roglers. You can't be the Roglers.

You're amalgamating it. Yeah, you've got to Rogler the Roglers Colin Adam Rogler yeah and the five heroin addict kids no we'd have six

three called Carl why's that one got kaplunk spikes in its eye because honestly it's destiny what do you say we'd have six three Adams

three Carls yeah all spelled differently if you just ask for an extra one yeah so you're waiting for someone to give up six tuplets six tuplets no do you know what lad we'll still just go for an extra one Yeah So you're waiting for someone To give up six tuplets Six tuplets

No do you know what lad We'll still just go for five And you can have three cars See Compromise That's why Oh my god That worked in relationships

Nice one lad See But the two hardest ones Are getting called Adam That's fair How do you know how hard Do you want a little Make them fight

Like pitbulls Good god Okay yeah We'll do that The three carls don't put the best there yeah sound my kids not playing with your kids he's not welcome they sound fierce not welcome we'll live in fucking samfield park by alderay hospital in west arby massive fucking mansion house why near Alderay? Close to the hospital. Because it's like

the nicest area of Liverpool. It's like a fucking gated community. It's fucking sick. It's boss around there. They can have a house each. They can have a car each. Yeah.

How much sugar's in that fucking Pepsi? I had a coffee on the way here. Alright. Now it's making sense. Yeah. I honestly think it could work.

Dan, you could be the godfather. Yeah? Yeah. To the Carls. You're not your godfather? No. I want Carl to be the godfather to the Adams. Right.

And the dad. Who's the mum? And the mum. You're the mum. Do you reckon? Yeah. Tits. Yeah.

And one flap. Pissing all over the fucking kitchen. Can we call a break? Yeah. Because I fear for children I haven't met. Today's podcast is sponsored by SupremeCBD.UK. Go and check them out. They're one of the biggest and most trusted sellers

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one more time. SupremeCBD.UK. Wuddup? Don't be a Tory. Down your tab or shandy and tell a friend. This is Have A Wad. Okay. Make a second section.

Welcome back. Have you seen the video before we crack on? Yeah. Of the Garnian. Garnian. Garnian. Garnian. Garnian. The Garnian. Fellow reading Garnian Garnisan the Garnian

fella reading out the football scores unbelievable why isn't it Garnish Garnish Garnish no Garnish like a fucking

sprinkle of coriander on your curry erm I don't think I've laughed at anything as much as I laughed at

it felt so on point at have A Word, didn't it? Like, several people tweeted us going, lads. And I was like, this is a fake African newsreader. And then you're like, I don't think it is. That's real. And what's really funny is the ones he mispronounces... The ones he mispronounces are amazing. But some of my favourite moments are when he pronounces them right,

but he seems, like, surprised that he nailed it. And he goes, like... Fulham! Nil. He calmed down. Chelsea 4. Sheffield United. Sheffield United United Sheffield United

it's unbelievable my favourite one is Wolverhampton Wanderers and Tottenham when he goes Sandy where's my

primary mortgage Tottenham hot pot hot piss one have you seen him do Serie A yeah that's the one

the Serie A and the Bundesliga Borussia Mönchengladbach oh my god when he tries to say Hoffenheim and he just goes

and then he's like I don't know how this is my job I had to oh yeah I just like sometimes it's like

he tries to calm himself down because it's so like like he goes everton one my chest united three why is he in full black tie as well yeah he's literally looks like he's going to like the garnet and sports awards or something he's got a fucking... He's a fucking news anchor. What? He's a news anchor. He's wearing black tie. As in, a dickie bow, white shirt, and black... He's not wearing

a jacket and a tie. It's like he's going to an awards night. He's got tux on. So maybe that's just what our customs are over there. You need to be more sensitive to other cultures.

Fucking prick. Have a wig put. you need to be more sensitive to other cultures fucking prick have a woodpud this is from Wes this caught my eye I want to see the state of our Wes I wanted to see what you thought about bullying and bullies as a whole the general assumption is this is something that happens on a school playground but the older I've got

the more I've witnessed this happen in the workplace whether this being groups or individually taking the piss out of someone who is more vulnerable and not as strong socially have you fellas dealt with these types of people have you ever come across who's tried to someone who's tried to persistently take the piss in your life and how have you dealt with it or how would you deal with it all the best for the future wes um the first time in a hundred episodes someone's asked about bullying yeah i think um so i worked in mcdonald's when i was 16 until i was 18 and some of the staff in there were fucking horrible like they really really i didn't even know you were doing it. Like, they were really fucking horrible.

Like, I won't name any names, but a couple of the women in there were really, really fucking horrible to one of the men who worked there. How old were the... What are we talking? Who's the lead cunt, basically? Who's being the shittiest?

They were all sorts of, like, late 20s, early 30s. So they supervisors and managers yeah yeah yeah and they would really like top down country there was a fella

who worked there who like he was dead sound I got on with him really well but they would like the way they spoke to him was just different

to everyone else and they made him feel like shit and I was too young and immature to stand up for him like I don't really

take that. If you've seen how I handle anyone speaking to me like shit, like when that fucking car park woman, I just, I don't, like, if someone who even is my boss. I've seen it up front. Like, I called you on something the other week, and you fucking, what? You, I think that's a respect thing as well, isn't it?

But it's also like, if you know your position in the world, you can go, no, no, fuck off. And you also get to go, hey, leave him the fuck alone. But when you're 18, 19, you're all like, please like me. I was like 16, 17. Yeah, it's even harder. Yeah, so, but like, I've had this problem. It's sort of askew on this question, but I had this problem It's sort of

Askew on this question, but I had a problem when I worked in nightclubs When I was just a member of staff Some managers Loved me, and some of them hated me And it's because If a manager asked me to do something I would ask why

Like I was not the type to be like Well you're the manager, and I'm the slave So whatever you say goes. You're three and a half years older than me and I've been working here for five years. You earn 20 pence an hour more than I do. So you know everything. I'll call you Lord.

But like there's some in Barway, there's this sort of long standing, this is not really about bullying. It's just a sort of sign up. We will come back to that. Like, there's a long-standing thing, isn't there? Like, on a day when it's quiet as fuck, the owner or, like, the head manager

will say to the bar manager, don't have the staff just sat around doing nothing. So they'll try and find jobs that don't need to be doing... Clean the bar. No, not even that, because I get that. But they'd be like, well, you go to the cellar

and you know where the Corona is. I want that where the Peroni normally is, and put the Peroni where the Budweiser is, just move it round a bit, because we sell more Peroni than Corona, so let's have that near the door, and it's basically just, we're paying you £6.50 an hour, and there's no customers at the minute, so go and just fucking do something, because I can't be arsed watching you stand there, and I'd go, why, why are we doing that? Well, you need to be doing something. I don't though, do I? It just doesn't matter. Like, I just, like, I'm not doing something for the sake of doing it.

Just, like, send me on a break. I'll go on an hour break if you want. I'd rather do that than go and do something that doesn't fucking matter. So, some managers love that. Because I'll go, why would I do that? Do you want me to clean the bar? I'll clean the bar. The bar I could do with a clean.

I'll deep clean the fridge. But I'm not going want me to clean the bar? I'll clean the bar. The bar I could do with a clean. I'll deep clean the fridge, but I'm not going to do something that just doesn't fucking need to be done. Do you think you'd have made a good soldier? No, I couldn't be in the army. Right, war. Why? That's why.

Hey, hey lad, war. What does it go for? Send us on a break. Yeah, but there's like the managers in McDonald's some of them some of them were

amazing but some of them are just like I'm the fucking manager I passed my manager's exam so you do what

the fuck I'm saying because she probably had a manager they probably had managers that were assholes to them and it doesn't half pass the

baton of country yeah but like this the fella I'm talking about they were just like, I'm the manager, so fucking do it or you get sacked.

Do you want to be sacked? And he just needed the job. So he would just, he just took so much shit. And he knew he wasn't going to stand up for himself. I just like, yeah, I wish I was a bit older or a bit more confident at the time to be like,

fuck you talking to him like that for? Cause if someone talks to me like shit, I think genuinely, and this might be a self-serving bias, I'm dead, dead sound with people and I'm really respectful of people until they're not respectful of me. The second I feel an inch of disrespect from someone, I snap. It's not like a gradual thing if you're a cunt to me i will i can be so overwhelmingly aggressive if i feel like you're you're treating me like shit when i've done nothing wrong then it's just done and i like i can just be like no fuck you fuck your whole family and here's why you should go and kill yourself yeah but there's also like i mean sometimes socially people like who are like that don't half make things fucking eggy but at the same time there's also like, I mean, sometimes socially, people who are like that don't half make things fucking eggy.

But at the same time, there's something quite transparent about it, innit? Like, you know, like I'm not going to literally sit in this dressing room and call you a cunt. But I'm not keen on you, mate. And if you press me on it, I'm going to tell you I'm not keen on you. I'm not being like, all right, mate, how are the kids? Hey, all right, yeah, I'll message you. WhatsApp me about that thing. And inside going, I right, mate, how are the kids? Hey, all right, yeah, I'll message you. WhatsApp me about that thing.

And inside going, I fucking hate you, you shit. Like people who behave like that are like, oh, fuck that. Fuck this. I'm not into that. It's not always the easiest conversation or the easiest workplace, but at least it's black and white. Comedy is bad for that, isn't it? Comedy.

Edinburgh. I think there's an element of if you're going to be a pro at anything get on with it and and understand that you're going to work with people who you don't rate you don't particularly like they'll have done something to you but in the grand scheme of things it's not love and war it's just gigs and fucking stage time just be nice play nice be a professional but there is also and this is something i don't like about comedy there is a country that i don't think is bad as it used to be because the jungler's circuit that died off which was all like a very like laddy stag do sort of it was a quite a closed in circuit of

older comics who were entrenched in their in their circuit it was almost like a circuit within the circuit and they were horrible cunts some of those some of those dressing rooms and i think because that died off because there's now more acts there's younger acts it's lessened there's some nicer people about but i can spot some country in a dressing room and i'm like i don't know if i'd prefer people to be a bit more honest and be like yeah yeah, not arsed. I'm not arsed about you and I'm not going to pretend to be your friend. Because when I see snakery and like, oh yeah, brilliant. And then they wait till they leave the dressing room and then they're like, fucking shit.

See, there's a difference. And I've probably been guilty of doing something similar myself. But as I grow older, I look back and think, it's a kind of bullying. It's a country. There's a difference. Can I say country anymore on this podcast apologies that'll be the last one there's a difference between being professional polite

and being two faced like there's comedians I don't like who I have to work with and when they come in a dressing room name them I have on Patreon oh shit but there's people who will walk in a dressing room

who I don't like or whatever, for whatever reason. I've seen something they've done or I don't like how they did whatever. But I'm a professional and my career is a big part of my life. So I'm not going to fucking throw it down the fucking bin just because someone was a gobshite sometime. So if they walk in, I'll be like... We've done a weekend.

Yeah. We've done a weekend together yeah last year where adam i'm not we're not going to say the name but for the whole weekend i like this is the point before we did the podcast this is how long ago it was it was before i started the radio pod and it was before it was when you were trying to do like top five yeah and we recorded it in the dressing in the dressing room so we were like so far but we were starting to get on really well at that point where we were like and we we went for a bit of food that weekend we hung out and there were so many points of the weekend in taxis and in in the dressing room where i looked over adam

and he was doing this face like yeah because someone was chatting bullshit and you didn't want to be like shut up you knob but I knew from everything about your body language you wanted to go shut up you knob so that comic that you're talking about

I don't like I think they're a miserable twat who sucks the energy out of a dressing room and you know what sound a life who sucks the energy out of her dressing room. And you know what? Sound. Her life. His or her life. No, wait.

That needs to be cut. And you know what? Their life is worse than mine. Because they're constantly unhappy, and I get it, and maybe they're having a bad time, sound, I don't like them, but when they're in a dressing room, I don't hate them, they've never really done anything personal to me, so I'm not going to be like, oh, this miserable twat's here, so I'm just are you mate you're all right yeah yeah sound and i'll just i'll have a a baseline colleague level conversation with them but i also won't be like should we go out for dinner tomorrow me and dan are going for food you want to join us because i don't want them to be there do you know what i mean what i hate is

those people it was your face that weekend just like but if someone's being a gobshite to me or let's say in that dressing room that comic was horrible to you or started being a cunt about something I'm at the stage now where I'll be like

I'll pull them up on it do you know what I mean if they like if they said something out of line to me or to you if like they were like

they were like to you oh this the way you did that on stage didn't like that they're like well it's nothing to fucking do with you, is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's comparing, so if he wants to do crowd work like that,

it's fucking business. It fucking works. Shut the fuck up. I've seen people in dressing rooms, older school comics like you're talking about, who are like, no, it should be done this way. And there's a divide in comedy

about what the compare should do. Should the compare go out and just do crowd work? Should the compare go out and do a bit of crowd work, then do a bit of written material so that the audience are ready for written material? And different comics like different things.

And about 18 months ago now, I was in a dressing room for the same chain of comedy clubs that we were playing. The Chuckle Huts. There was an older school comic opening, right? And a real solid compare. And I was closing that night, right? So it was after that one I'd done with you.

And you know why sort of thing. We'll talk about it in a minute. But I think this older school comic was like fuming that someone 20 years their junior was closing because they do get that. I've heard that so many times. But the compere went out and just did a load of material, a load of crowd work and didn't do any material.

They ripped it, brought the opening act on, and the opening act didn't have a very good gig. It was fine, got away with it, but just not good enough. And when there's an older school comic like that who resents the fact that there's a younger guy going on to close over them, they feel like there's pressure to be like, well, I've got to be fucking better than him

to show this comedy club that they've got this the wrong way around. And it just wasn't a gig that was going to go that way. And they come off and went to the compere. You need to be doing material because you brought me on there and they weren't ready for material. You need to do material before you bring the opener on.

And the compere was like, because the compere was new to the club. Oh, yeah. And they were like, oh. Throwing their weight around a bit. Yeah, they went, yeah, well, tomorrow I'll do it that way. And I went, no, you don't have to do that. And the older school was like, what? And I went, yeah, you don't have to do that.

Like, you're comparing. You're entitled to host the show. You ripped it. You've done your job. They were ready for the show. It'll be fine. It's like, you don't tell a compare how to do it. They've been booked to compare.

You've been booked to do the set. You can have a preference. Yeah. You can have a preference. You don't tell people how to do it. But you don't get to tell people how to do it. No. Those old Sue comics have come from an era where they,

it was almost like a bit of a cabal, wasn't it? Like they had that junglers dressing room. I remember doing my first open spot in junglers and they were all mates and they were all late 30s, mid 40s. And I was like, felt so young. Hardly anyone made eye contact with me. And it's, they get to just throw the weight around and then things change.

Stand Up in the UK improves that chain dies away because it was a dog shit version of comedy and there's some of them have just disappeared and some of them are now having to play ball

with newer more interesting acts and like this is how you should do it like one of my least favourite things in stand up is comics telling

other comics how to do it I have ideas on how I like it done I don't tell someone how to do it we have ideas on how i like it done i don't tell someone yeah how to do it we've got mates who aren't it's not even a young old thing we've got a mate who's obsessed with um when they're comparing that someone shouldn't do crowd work in their set and they're like well i don't think you should because then it ruins my comparing you're like once it's their stage time they can do what the fuck they want yeah you don't think you should, because then it ruins my comp power. And you're like, once it's their stage time,

they can do what the fuck they want. You don't have to like it. You just have to concentrate and see what's going on. I'm sorry. That's how it works. Don't be. That is a prime example of bullying. Yeah.

Isn't it? The job of the comic is, are you ripping it? And one more thing on the old guy thing, the old god of comedy. A lot of them are amazing, by the way. We need to say that. There's a lot of comics who've been doing this 25, 30 years who are fucking unbelievable, supportive of new acts and they put

it out. Dave Johns, Georgie Dave Johns, was amazing with me when I first started. That night in Chester that I had a really good gig that you were on, he was on that night and he put me in touch with the hyena he said he was going to speak

to Julia at Highlight and he was like you're going to be a comic and I want to help you he's fucking amazing Dave he can be a whiny old twat on Facebook and he fucking knows it

but he's dead sound and he's got his opinions and he's like no this is what I think and you can have a different one but I think I'm right so he's cantankerous but he's a great comic

he's a great comic and he's really sound. There's a load of them like that. But like we've said, there's some bitter old twats, and one of my favourite fucking things in the world, and this is the competitive side of me coming out, is there's one example that sticks out, and I'll tell you the name off pod,

because I don't want to be slagging people off on pod. It's not fair. I remember doing a tryout for Jonglers in Croydon, do you remember Croydon? I do. So me and Carl went down, because I was doing a gig in Croydon, and it was in Tiger, Tiger, Croydon, and we went down to have a night out, and it was, the night out was fun, I remember at one point afterwards, we're in this nightclub, and a girl comes over and goes, John shot Sambuca, and we're in london and he went should we have one lads and in liverpool the girl walking around with a bottle of shots it's a pound a shot right and she went yeah so uh how

many do you want and he was like how much are they she went six pound each and he went not a fucking chance fuck off and she went well you're gonna be paying 10 quid at the bar so and he went no i'm fucking not because i'm just not fucking buy them. I was recently single as well. I broke up with my ex-girlfriend the day before. Yeah. So it was a fucking 10 quid for a shot of Sambuca. Fucking insane. I would rather walk back to Liverpool to get a shot

and then come back to dance. There was a comic on that night who I also ended up doing another tryout with at Highlight, I think. But they were just dead rude to me. Like, you're below me. And at the time, I was below them. But a couple of years

later, they came to Hot Water on like a Wednesday night. This was literally about two or three years ago. It was at Seal Street so you ought to be in there. Times have changed motherfucker. And I was closing the Wednesday night and they were there to do a 15 minute unpaid set to be seen

and they were so nice to me and I hate that more than anything in the world because they were like oh my god mate, I haven't seen you for years, you're doing so well. I remember gigging with you when we did Jonglers together in Croydon. I remember being a cunt to you.

But now I'm your best mate. You could tell that night in Croydon that you were going to be a comic. And I was like, you couldn't. Because it was one of the worst gigs anyone has ever had. There were seven people in the audience. And everyone died a fucking horrendous death. And yeah, I just... That, to me, is the worst person in the world someone who

you're below me fuck you and as soon as you just pass them hey i'd rather he detained up hot water i mean like you're like mate i'd have respected them more if they were just constantly a cunt rather than oh you could maybe help me now so i'm gonna be nice to you i've got a few lines under a few names mentally where I'm waiting to hear from them now that this is doing well. Just a couple of people that I asked things of, just random things.

Asked to do a podcast once and they were like, no, we'll need someone with a little bit more profile. I'm like, okay, cool. That'll get remembered. But I tell you what comedy has come on. From this generation, I mean, we slag off junglers so much, but the majority of these guys were nice, but there was just a bad culture within that.

And I think comedy's come a long way in terms of dressing rooms. We've gone from bullying to sort of snakery, really't we and being two-faced and whatnot you don't see many instances of something like bullying in a dressing room no like it's okay it's a it's quite a it's not a woke industry but it's quite a sweet it's comedy you look at it and you're like oh it's a little northern men you know at comedy clubs like the frog and bucket but but they're they they're guys who are empathetic and aware and socially aware they're on twitter like we're part of you know it's not just as working men's club as a lot of london acts see i'm in some dressing rooms and it's it is very supportive and there's work to be done with women in dressing rooms and young girls that that try and stand up as well and and and the the industry is actively trying to do it but

there are there are a couple of comics who throw their weight around but it stands out totally and they get called out they do they really do i think it's very important that they are as well but um it is worth saying because bullying and piss taking was sort of intertwined there that is piss taking amongst mates and that's one of my favorite things in a green room like hot water got a bit of flack at the minute and rightly so because sometimes their bills are a bit samey they book a lot of the same acts because we deliver and their attitude is well people are paying to see you you've got all the videos out so if I do like a hot water bill and it was one a few months ago where it was me

you Danny McLaughlin Paul Smith and that green room we will slag each other off to each other's faces and it's funny as fuck because we all know

we're all mates in it sound you can add Freddie Quinn into that you can have Milo McCabe into that you can add Mandy Knight Beth Black into that the regulars at that club we will literally be like like when I was on stage

and I did that comparing thing which we've mentioned before, where I went to a woman, where are you from? And she was like, Aintree. And all I had was to go, horses. I've never heard the end of that. And that's piss-taking. And that's funny. That's what we do on this podcast. Yeah. You want to be piss-taking. I love

it when I get to a green room and I'm like, everyone's going to be horrible to each other's face for the whole weekend because we all know it's not serious but making someone feel uncomfortable or using a position of power to make them feel like

they don't deserve to be in the same fucking green room as you and it happened in McDonald's I've seen it there it's happened in bars as well the McDonald's one though

it always sticks in my mind I always think of that call it out it's different when you're at school I remember being at school and I look back and think fuck I saw some stuff that I should have been like

that is that's just it was bullying yeah yeah because I was like well I'm not doing it you're like you're still part of the problem really

yeah but in adult life you should know the difference of right and wrong fucking hell there are some cantankerous old bastards in comedy clubs though miserable swats um i mean that is that is one question

one section isn't it sounds good to me i think we should have a less beautifully done mate um we've got on this subject i'm quite proud of what we're doing with this podcast because we've had some big names on that couch already and they're going to get bigger and bigger as this podcast goes on. But we're also putting people on who are up and coming, who we just really like. And today we're bringing a lad in

called Vittorio Angeloni, who you haven't met him yet, have you? No, not in real person, but not in real life. I've just done the Doing Bitsies podcast with Eshaan. Yeah. And I've never met him either, but we've just seen a doing bits his podcast with eshan yeah and i've never met him either but we've just seen a lot of his stuff online over the past few months funny

i thought you know what he seems dead sound he's funny as fuck let's bring him in uh we're gonna go and pick him up from the train station get ourselves a bite to eat you won't see any of that we'll be back after this message from our sponsors money bags, and then we'll have Vittorio Angeloni joining us on the orange sofa. All right. From Texas to Skem, everybody is listening to the funniest podcast in the game. It has to be Have A Word. Eh-eh.

Eh-oh. Ah. Eh. Oh-oh-oh-oh. Eh-oh-oh-oh. Oh. I've just watched a new video of him when you were out. He's doing Serie A.

Borussia Dortmund. That's how fucked he was. That was Serie A. Got the wrong league there, lad. He did say Borussia Dortmund, though. But it was Serie A. Did he change the buddy? I think it's edited, so it's Serie A and the Bundesliga

It must be Vittorio Angelone Talking about Serie A I'd love him to introduce you The best one I had was an MC Please welcome to the stage Valentino Afok John Lalo The best one I had Was an MC From a Please welcome to the stage Valentino

Ah fuck And I had to go Oh my god Valentino Ah fuck Hey you've got your Urban comedy name Sorted though haven't you

Valentino Ah fuck Do we have to say The something It's always Vittorio The entertainer The ah fuck It is quite funny

How much compers struggle with names. You know, like, I remember when, you remember Lewis? Not yours, though. No, mine's quite easy. I've had Rowey, though. Adam Rowey. Adam Roo. I have had some fuck-ups.

Adam Rowey. But you know what? Like, your name is a bit exotic. Correct. So I can understand a little bit that someone can have a bit of trouble with it. You know who I started out with? Lewis Phillips Calvert, who is a lad me and Carl went to school with.

We started standing up pretty much at the same time. He's funny as fuck, but he just gave up because he couldn't be arsed with the commitment that comedy takes. Really good writer. It doesn't matter. Lewis Phillips Calvert. Three very basic names.

Yeah. The amount of times compares fucked it up. He was Lewis Philins Calvin, Lewis Phillips Calvin, Lewis Phillies Calvert. Oh my God. And in the end,

he just gave up and just changed to Lewis Calvert because compares just cut like professional compares that again, we won't snag anyone off. It would like beat the frog. Like,

Lewis Phillips Calvert. I can do two names. Like, Louis-Felix Calvo. I can do two names. I can't do three. Although Calvert, I always think looks French. Calvert. Calvert. Louis Calvert. When we do beat the frog,

and I've been doing it twice a month for a long time, and I don't check the list. There's like 12 acts on. there are some oh choice foreign feeling sounding names and I've not done the little run through of the oh you just look like such a prick where you're like Mohammed I've not practiced this one for my body he's all right Calvert that'll do but I because my plan initially Was come up do this And then I think I found Were you supposed to be doing this

Sunday or Monday Or whatever it is Following this week Beat the Frog Right okay Yeah yeah I was like Oh that'd be sick

I'll do the pod And then I'll just hang around Stay with my cousin in Manchester And then I'll do Beat the Frog on the Monday Right Fucking COVID China AIDS

China AIDS Is that what you call china quite an interesting debate that in it because trump is because trump's such a hated figure like calling it china virus or the china aids or the china clap or whatever you want to call it china flu yeah the best one was kung flu kung flu kung flu was i mean he's got fucking snl writers for that god almighty only shane gillis though i was so inside but like it's weird in it because that's where it came from but racists can't let us have anything funny without making it too hateful like we could have all called it the Chinese virus

the Kung Flu the Hong Kong Flu-y right we could have all had that and all had a really nice laugh about it

but then racists have to go and beat up vaguely Chinese looking men in central London can you stop pointing at me

yeah Trump no racists the hair I got told I look like a member of one of the other bobsled teams from Cool Runnings you look like

the enemy ones the evil swine yeah the evil German ones they have been bobsledding for years I haven't watched that film

for 25 years and I know that spot on if there was a school shooter in your town you'd be in trouble because you're gonna match the E-fist

do you know what I mean exactly fucking if like a panicked nine-year-old he was blonde it was long he was smiling all the time he seemed happy he had a jumper on yeah it is school shootery it is yeah it is a lot is that what you were going for because this when i so we, so we've only met, you've only met either of us virtually. Yes. And when I did your podcast with Eshan Akbar, shout out, have a word, legend, Eshan Akbar. He's getting too much now, though. I am sick of it.

He's starting to ride out Twitter with it, isn't he? He's like, oh, guys, you might know me from being the, have a word, legend. We're like, all right, Eshan. Okay, yeah, fuck Eshan, fuck his family, fuck all his people and his entire line of heredity. I mean, we're getting him backhan okay yeah fuck Eshan fuck his family fuck all his people and his entire line of heredity

I mean we're getting him back on though aren't we yeah yeah quite soon and then it's obviously we'll build him up again need the views for that fucking

sweet album but he has you've given him a confidence that I'd never seen from the moment before he's been validated and I'm sick of it

I believe Eshan grow up mate I don't want him to grow up you're the whitest brown man in the world I love the fact that he's a big fat brown adult baby

I really like him I really want to see him in a nappy is that your thing tell me that wouldn't be hilarious Ishan Akbar in a nappy Bengali heritage men

in nappies is that what you're into Gandhi oh he's not having a Gandhi wank oh do you know you're hung over when you're having a gandhi wank by the way on the that on the the drunk episode that we did which once this goes out has already been out um where i said someone set themselves on fire gandhi style because i got

gandhi confused with the dalai Lama was that Dalai Lama threatened to set himself on fire no that was Taoist it's not the Dalai Lama though it's all over the show I can't remember this bit no no it wasn't Gandhi it was Thatcher what who was it oh wasn't it the Pope someone said

yeah it's the monks in Vietnam and Tibet as well alright ok it wasn't the Dalai Lama. It's always a weird threat, that, though, isn't it? What? Do what I say or I'm going to set myself on fire. See, Irish people don't get that kind of terrorism. We stay well fucking clear of what's going on.

Plant it, run, see you later. Plant it, run, see you later, but give them a bell first. Yeah, 100%. So polite. Polite terrorism. But you know it's coming. plant it, run, see you later but give them a bell first yeah, 100% polite terrorism but you know it's coming you know it's given me the fear that I can't remember that conversation from the lockdown lock-in whatsoever and then I'm like

what else has been said by this point everyone will know me, Carl, Ed, yesterday in my house and I could hear the whole thing and it's definitely for behind a paywall. Not that I got edited out, just to say. Not that I went out, but I had to make it just more viewable

because at some point... Yeah, you have to come between the cameras and stuff. Yeah, at some points it was just a bit inaudible. Like, you shouldn't watch it because it'll give you the fear. But when you dyed your hair, were you going for a school shooter look? Was there a reason you went blonde?

I don't think he was definitely going for a school shooter look. Bowling for Columbine. No, but some people like to be feared. I hate that. See, I hate my worst nightmare is people being scared of me. I thought it would look nice, and I thought it would just make me stand out from all the other straight white males on the comedy circuit.

Yeah, yeah. Basically, at the minute, it feels like either Daryl O'Brien or Ed Byrne has to die for me to get on mock the week yeah good or set themselves on fire and i'm just the right thing i'm just like balancing either so if ed burn goes first i'll keep the hair long but if darryl brain goes i'll buzz it off and start talking about stars and shit where's the northern where's the northern irish representation in comedy the last patrick keelty's last person on Mock the Week from Northern Ireland was Patrick Kielty.

Yeah. The last one from Liverpool. John Bishop, not even letting them have that. He's from Runcorn. Is he? Yeah. I got bumped from a line-up in Belfast for John Bishop and I wasn't that annoyed.

What, you got fucked off? Yeah, yeah. Like New York Comedy Club style? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Because I was supposed to be on and then they were like I can't tell you why

but just come down and watch but you're not on anymore what was John Bishop doing just passing through he was filming do you know that tour thing that he did

right because basically it was all supposed to be like nice little comedy clubs and pubs and stuff and the only gigging down in Belfast was the arena

so he wanted to reshoot it in like a small comedy clubs for all these mad cameras there and shit. And I was like, that's fair. If you're looking at what you want to achieve in comedy, that is one of the levels you really would like to get to.

I'm filming this thing and I'm just going to pop in and just do 20 minutes. That's what you want. You'd love to be at a level like, could you just fuck off anyone who's in that spot? Because I'm coming to try out some new stuff I really really really

love squeezing onto a bill though they're my favourite gigs top secret in London I can do it there the boat show in London I could do that because my agent runs it

and a couple of weeks ago before this second lockdown hit I had a Saturday night off and just went to hot water and on the late show they only had two acts on

they were just doing one break and I was like because it was the last night of gigging off and just went to hot water. And on the late show, they only had two acts on. They were just doing one break. And I was like, ah. Because it was the last night of gigging before it all went to shit. And I went to Binti. I had fucking love. Let's just do a gig. Can we do one on Tuesday?

And Binti was like, you can get on tonight if you want. Just go on after the headliner. Just go and do whatever. It was fucking. Not a traditional spot. No. Just go on after the closer and just do whatever. And I did like half an hour. It was fucking.

I don't like people that aren't up for that like you know people that are running like a pretty shitty open mic and you're like you're there and you're like oh could you throw me on

for five because I had there was two gigs on in Belfast and it was like kind of the same gig twice and I wasn't on the first one but I was supposed to be

on the second one and then the lockdown got called so the second one got cancelled and I was at the first one and I said to the guy like oh could you

chuck me on for five minutes just so I get a gig before it all disappears again and he was like no because we have to run to this time and this time and i'm like just mc five minutes less yeah but that's when you know you're not i'm not slagging off that gig particularly but be a proper club and just show a bit of flex yeah you know it's not like the we start at 20 past eight the comp comes off at half past eight just be a fucking proper comedy club i remember jason manford turning up to his own gig when he owned part of the laughing in chester he was like because jason manford is well known very fucking sound comic he's not everyone's favorite stand-up in stand-up but in comedy

but if you actually watch what he does, you're like, fuck me, he's there for a reason. He's an excellent comic. And he owned the gig, and he'd come down, and he literally was like a 30% shareholder, and everyone was like, oh, you should go on. You know, we can move the bill around. He went, I'll just go on at the end.

Like, he's so sound, and just went on the end and did like 50 minutes and it still worked they're happy to see them and I think comedians and promoters get bogged down because we're so used to like the way the bill runs and it's like no they need a comic and then they need a compere then 20

and then a break they're ready for a break then and at the end of the night oh no they're ready to go home they've had enough if you ask the audience they don't know that every comic does 20 minutes they haven't got a fucking clue they just know the compere comes on and brings someone on

and they do a bit and then the compere goes on and brings someone on and they do a bit they're not watching times going this guy only did 18 also the crowd will let you know without stopping it

if they're going tired and it's gone a bit shit they've let you know like if it's not working cut your jaw and someone famous just let them on that's why I do prefer

the New York style of like I don't think people should necessarily be bumped because I think that's a bit shit but like we've said this before I feel like if I got massive which I'd love to be

I'd love to be doing big tours and whatever I'd still feel like I'd turn up be doing big tours and whatever i i'd still feel like i'd turn up to the frog and bucket on a saturday i'd ring jess a few days before and be like can i come down on saturday and just drop in can i just do an extra set because i love it well because you want to perform as well to people that aren't your like disciples like you want to perform to just fucking strangers who've never fucking no I'm ready for disciples now I've done 18 years of people who don't know

or give a fuck about who I am and luckily for you you've only got 12 fans yeah that's it I thought you were literally at this point

I'd sell tickets to them I thought you were going to be like luckily for you you've only got 12 years left that could be right as well 12 years of selling 12 ticket

tours can I get on the bill can you fuck that's why your special was fucking sick because it wasn't you performing to a bunch of people who give you a standing ovation for walking onto the stage yeah I like that and it's a yeah it was fun I think more and more comics are going to shoot

specials that way and certainly shoot shorter form things the ones with balls there's some people that are going to shoot specials that way and certainly shoot shorter form things the ones with balls the ones with balls yeah there's some people are going to be like could i could i do the easier version of that yeah but there's a lot of comics who need to start filming stuff who haven't got enough of the following to put 400 people in a theater and they're going to have to go i need to film some sets and there's so many comics who made at every club that they could easily just go i'll spend 500 quid get a camera crew and get three cameras in and and let's film something yeah but

the risk with that is is that it's just a shit night in it that having having spent a bit of money on that before it is always a bit of a like i've spent money on a this is five years ago trying to do a version of this and then you get there and the night is just poor like like I'd picked a gig that was decent most nights and it was just a bad night

and I did okay but it wasn't something you wanted to yeah there is a bit more security about going this is a nice gig these are some of my people

it's just a safer play I did have a backup though like to be fair I filmed four sets yeah so I filmed four sets. Yeah. So I filmed Friday and Saturday at the Comedy Store.

Same shirt? Yeah. Oh yeah. Same shirt for all four shows. Where are you filming a special? This kicks you off. This is the one that just sent you

into the stratosphere and they're like, listen, we've got a budget. Vittorio, where's your debut special being filmed? You're a Belfast lad.

You live in London. What would you do? I would love to do the Barbbican in london because i went to uni in like the same is that a theater yeah yeah but how many does it hold uh well they have a smaller theater as well isn't the barbican like it's got flats as well hasn't it yeah three big broodless towers and I went to uni in that building and started stand up by running a night at my uni so I think my

whole connection because I also have an after I studied classical music I auditioned for drama school hang on pause is that bullshit are you calling bullshit no I'm just pausing you can tell he listens to the pod don't call bullshit I'm a fan you studied classical music I was a call a pod I'm a fan I'm a fan

you studied classical music I was a classical musician before I was a comedian you were a classical musician yeah yeah what do you play percussion the triangle

this I've done that's the that's the stick you get every time you've talked shit about the triangle before on this podcast and I was very upset about it but

yeah I did do exams on the triangle it is easy to talk shit about the triangle oh 100% do you know because it's not really a musical instrument when i was 18 at christmas i got a triangle for christmas jesus christ fucking we poor belfast lad merry christmas vittorio here is a fucking triangle and you know what it is because there's only one way to wrap a triangle. Thanks, Mum.

How do they do a triangle exam? So it's excerpts from difficult triangle parts in orchestral pieces. Yeah, because triangles don't come in on a... They don't come in on a... They come at weird... What do you mean? Difficult triangle parts? Because isn't a triangle just constantly

just every now and then a little yeah but no one wants to do the little roll where you put the stick in the middle you sound like a cunt at a hotel could i pass a try like if the examiner yeah wasn't looking could i pass a triangle test with that bell so the thing with percussion across the board is it's very easy to be okay at it like it's the easiest thing in the world to just be passable at but to be very very good

obviously takes whatever whatever and what's the most like the timpani drums timpani and then like marimba and vibraphone do you know when you're holding two sticks

in each hand and all that shit I wasn't the best or whatever because I didn't really care about it that much but the point of the story was that when I auditioned

for drama school a bunch of places didn't want me and I want to do a fuck you tour where I sell out all of their theaters the ucast tour vittorio clearing amazing just doing gigs at everyone who's ever like not believed you what's the second night of the tour mrs gregson's fucking house fuck you gregson you're a bitch amazing turning up with the girl who turned you down in year six oh amazing but i took the piss like so on my final recital at the Guildhall

School of Music and Drama, which is like fucking top-ranked music college in the world, I did, do you know John Cage's 4 minutes 33 seconds, where it's just silent for 4 and a half minutes? I did that as part of my final... Hang on. Oh, I don't know what you saw. There was a piece by a composer called John...

I literally thought of Chappelle. 8 minutes 46 seconds. I got up and went eight minutes um so why you gotta go anyone that long i'm sorry um there's a piece by a composer called john cage and it's silent for four minutes 33 seconds right and i did that in my final exam and how long was the exam the exam total was like a 35 minute program of pieces right okay so for four and a half minutes that you just did fuck all i sat and looked at a music stand guys see this is back come on to the tracy emmon bullshit okay that's not a song and an unmade

bed is not a fucking painting okay do you want to get right there's a frank zappa do you know frank zappa i don't know anyone in vittoria if they haven't got a special on netflix frank zappa was his history teacher and he gave a really bad report card once frank zappa says what defines art is the frame you put it in so me drinking a cup of orange juice isn't art unless i get up on a stage and frame it as such so that's why the unmade bed is art because it's supposed to be viewed as art and the silence and like what happens in the noises in the room because at one point someone lent back and scrunched uh pret bag and everyone went and that was just because i forced everyone to just shut the fuck up for four and a half minutes okay so

let's go with your 30 let's go with Franny Z's ideology, right? And I know you get pissed off with this. Here we go. Here we go. Like half-cut dad at a fucking christening. Bullshit. Psychology. Shit.

If I got a handful of cow shit and just threw it at a wall and gone, that's art. Is that art? Yeah. Because I framed it as art if you do it as part of an installation a gallery

or somewhere yeah right but isn't that a bit fucking stupid some people some people might go art has to be able to be everything

because it's supposed to encompass everything no I don't agree with you we should have slightly stricter boundaries than I identify this as art so it's supposed to encompass everything. No, no. I don't agree with you. We should have slightly stricter boundaries than I identify this as art, so it's fucking art. No.

It doesn't mean it's good. No. Do you know where he starts? It's cow shit on a wall, Vittorio. But people would feel something. It's provocative. It gets the people going. Yeah.

What if we did an installation where you were at an art gallery just slagging off art That'd be good That's how I frame Adam Rowe Just stood there In like white background White on the wall

And just him with a mic going You're all fucking knobbits It's bullshit That'd be amazing Have you seen the Malcolm in the Middle episode Where they're at Burning Man No

And Hal Do you know Malcolm in the Middle Yeah So Hal becomes Like an art installation He's just setting up there like Caravan and making it all look nice and he's just getting angry at everyone.

So everyone comes and thinks it's performance art. Oh yes. Because he's getting pure mad and stuff. But I'm not doing this even to be funny on his comedy podcast. Have a word. I'm not doing that. This is bollocks

and more people should be calling it out. It's got to be a painting, isn't it? A painting? It's got to be a... A shit on a wall? It's got to be a painting, hasn't it? A painting of shit on a wall is art. So do you know when you say... Oh, you've softened. No, I haven't. You've a little bit, yeah. No.

As long as it's a good painting. Yeah. It can be a bad painting and still be art, but it's still painting. Do you think poetry has to rhyme? No. Oh. The thing is, it's basically, if it's not painting, if it's not a painting

Like it's not art No it can be a sculpture Right Right So what's a sculpture? Like a bloke Or a woman Sculpted

Or something else An object Well you're getting close to Just an object If you're saying Well just an object Yeah You're getting pretty close to

No if I get played on And they look like shit Then that's That's a sculpture But if it's just shit It's just shit What if you've got shit And made it look get Play-Doh and make it look like shit then that's that's a sculpture but if it's just shit it's just shit what if you've got shit and made it look like Play-Doh

yeah art because it's not what it is what if it was a painting made of shit what if it was like the Mona shit Lisa fucking unbelievable

oh really yeah you can paint with shit alright some people do they end up in hospital for quite a while or they're on hunger strike in Belfast Oh, really? Yeah. You can paint with chairs. All right. Some people do. They end up in hospital for quite a while.

Or they're on Hunger Strike in Belfast. Let's not make it political. All right. But what about, right, so the people who come to see you do comedy and get, like, offended, if you don't like it,

just don't come see me. Yeah. So what if that, the unmade bad lady was like, if you don't like it, fuck off, Adam. Absolutely. Yeah.

I haven't gone. Yeah. I haven't gone. And if she's got a podcast, she can sit on her podcast going i think adam rowe's not funny sound don't come and see me i don't want to see your bed you don't have to worry about my opinions 25 years ago tracy emmons on my bed and we're still fucking annoyed that's all doing me well that's that's why i love it because in 2020 people are still getting pissed off about that have you did it win the Turner Prize I think it I think it does that all the same fucking non-see

it's like the Edinburgh Festival shit in it oh no this is the best comedy this year three laughs in the hour it's exactly the same fucking thing for the best joke for the best joke and it

wasn't even the best joke within three minutes of that joke in that show of course it's up there it's the only thing I've ever been fucking given it's the only recognition within three minutes of that joke in that show. Still up there though, isn't it? Of course it's up there. It's the only thing I've ever been fucking given. It's the only recognition I've had from fucking anyone

in the industry. You know what I fucking laugh? I'm fucking made up with it. Got a fucking ceramic elephant. Ceramic? Whatever it is. Pear specs.

Shut up. Shit. Fucking Susan. Is that art? What? Is that art? Is that art? No, it's a trophy.

But like an artist made it. No, they didn't. A trophy maker made it. Don't back him into a corner. Because it's a photograph. What about a... Is a photo of anything art? No.

But that is because it's artistic. All right, okay. No, you could be stood there looking at that in that place and you wouldn't think, oh, what an artistic view I have here but they've put it in a frame

no is it goal art like a good goal by Salah no but it feels like but it isn't that's my turn

to prize see the way he turned in put him on his arse 3-0 erm yeah I just look I think

I actually think that you only say this shit to wind me up no I genuinely don't no yeah you've got to say that to keep it up I really

I love modern art and I love that it winds up people like you can you give me a more recent example than the fucking I haven't made me bed I'm not

I can't be arsed I'm not an expert but like I've said I want to vlog going to the Sarcher Gallery with you because I think

it would be amazing just you going this is a fucking shark in a tank mate like I just I want to see that you can't tell me

that a shark in a tank is art it isn't it's fucking sea whale I can't what if it's jellify like it's what's his name

your man that jellifies all the things and cuts cows in halves and stuff oh art it's a sculpture but it's made out of what it already is so it's not a shark being made to look like a shark you put it in the gel all the things and cuts cows in half and stuff. Oh. Art! It's a sculpture.

But it's made out of what it already is so it's not a shark being made to look like a shark. You put it in the gel it's in one position. A gel frame perhaps? Effort.

I want effort for it to be art. You want effort? I want effort. I want someone to have put effort in. I don't want fucking Tracy to get up

and look at her bed and go can't be arsed painting anything I'll give them that. Do you know what I mean? She couldn't be ar painting anything I'll give them that do you know what I mean she couldn't be asked picking a

paintbrush up and then everyone was like oh well done such a good commentary on what it's like to fucking not make

your bed how do you feel about like anti jokes that like deliberately aren't funny what do you mean like you know

like anti comedians like anti comedy George Cotier that's not but it is funny and it's deliberately funny but it's anti comedy isn't it yeah What do you mean? Like anti-comedians, anti-comedy. George Cotillet. But that's not... But it is funny, and it's deliberately funny.

But it's anti-comedy, isn't it? Yeah. It's not comedy. It's developed to wind the people up who want a, this is what I saw, observation punchline. It's a reaction to that, isn't it? It's an alternative. Not our alternative, like a truly alternative.

And it winds people up like when they go to see paul footlight why is that funny why is that i don't get it the quote a man and fluke fluke brah speaking to dan what's funny about squirrels exactly but but some comedy is is is appreciated by people who know a bit more about the art form and they've got a more developed sense of humour. So that exists for them rather than just for, like, your Michael McIntyre fan or your Peter Kay fan. Right, OK. So what you're saying is I don't understand art enough

to appreciate what Tracey Emin's done. Listen, I'm not trying to put myself above you. I don't know loads about it. The modern art that I've enjoyed, I don't know loads about it the the modern art that i've enjoyed i don't know loads about it it annoys me that you say enjoy all right just like it's like all right i fucking buzzed off i walk around the fucking i walk around the city going that's fucking fucking sick but you can like a piece of art you don't enjoy it okay It's not like a fucking eclair. Right, okay. You, naked, eating an eclair,

put in an art gallery. Fuck me. That is a Turner Prize winning tab. If you've enjoyed something, it means it's gone. Okay, good. If you've enjoyed something, it means you've stopped enjoying it. You can enjoy an epic show.

I could have just walked on to the next thing. All I'm saying is, That was awful. People know. That is really stupid. You can enjoy a TV show. It's still there. It's finished.

I enjoyed that. I can turn it back on again. Because it's happening for a period of time. Look at Finn's face. Look at him. I just looked... Finn, the intermission was so good. You're looking at the art for a period of time.

No, but it's still there. Oh, God. I feel like I've alienated a lot of the audience already. Wow. Spot on. But we need to get to an art gallery. I think it would be so amazing vlogging you doing it. It'd just be phenomenal watching you get wound up.

But I think you'd start enjoying it. Maybe. I'd like to see what everyone else sees in it. But I do think most people agree with me. I think you're all just being fucking art nonsense okay i don't care what people think about what i think of it i just i genuinely like it no no no but i'm not doing it only god can judge me okay exactly how the fuck am i on this podcast i just want people to think i'm intelligent and like that's not our

vibe is it but i i love that it winds people up I think it's and I think you go with that what a load of bollocks and I think you might think that about some of it but there will be

some sculptures some installations that you love some what some sculptures yeah there's some there's some modern art that's sculptures

but some of the fun in Eurocomedy is that it pisses some people off yeah so some of the fun in the unmade bad is that it pisses some people off. Jesus. Yeah. So some of the fun in The Unmade Bed is that it pisses you off. Maybe. Yeah, I'm willing

to accept that. Well, I'll tell you what. Thank you. Thanks for listening to Have A Word. Jesus Christ. Can you come on more? Victoria, who knew a man from Belfast would calm that situation down?

We all just need to listen to one another. We've become very good peacemakers in the last 20 years. I'm a ceasefire baby, that's all right. You're a ceasefire baby? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's that mean? I was born in and around the Good Friday Agreement. Right.

The Good Friday Agreement. 97? Oh, 98. So the Good Friday Agreement is... Jesus Christ! No, but I know what it is because it keeps getting brought up you think it's Easter

don't you well it was it must have been around then yeah I mean that's why it's called that

because it's probably come up with on Good Friday you think it's like people giving Easter eggs to each other no don't

yeah the Easter bunny where's the balaclava so the IRA wanted an independent Ireland and they were fighting for it

and Britain was like, no. And there was murder and on Good Friday they all went, let's just have a pint. It was just a big,

it was like the biggest agree to disagree in history. And then, little Vittoria was there with his triangle. Why can't we all just get along? Peace at last.

Wow. I almost can't believe that we went from that level of argument. This is the problem because I go on podcasts and I'm like, I don't want to just be seen as a Northern Irish guy that just talks about the troubles, but then there's shit fucking happening. What? Talk about the troubles. Tell talks about the Troubles but then there's shit fucking around I mean you did bring it up talk about

the Troubles tell us about the Troubles are we to blame I fucking missed it as well I didn't I have no real experience with the Troubles

few bomb scares here and there but I missed the fucking yeah but we've all had them the party do you know what I mean yeah bomb scares have moved on haven't they you had a bomb scare

didn't you in Manchester and you used to do a routine about it the bomb scare didn't you wasn't there like a terrorist attack or something in manchester and you were in oh no that was the riots the riot that was the riots when that guy always get bombs and riots mixed it's all a kick

off um that was the uh the day a few days after that lad in london got shot by the police and then there was riots and then it it was there was burning in wolverhampton and then there was uh manchester and it booted off and i got locked in a cinema with my mate but it was so like we have survived it was the most like middle class movie when you say you got locked in a cinema yeah i'll come to that so we super eight when you say you got locked in was the film still on? yeah I mean I'm straying into

because I do a routine about it but we went in the cinema and it was it was booting off like on the in Birmingham

and Wolverhampton the day before and there was rumours going round that like oh it's going to kick off in Salford and Manchester so me and my mate Tony

went for lunch and it was dead quiet and we were the only people in Gourmet Burger Kitchen and the guy this is when we knew it was going wrong there was a really camp guy

in the Gourmet you played it fucking safe there didn't you there's going to be riots about a murder where should we go I reckon GBK will be fine GBK

on the Salford side of town and he started bringing in furniture and putting it around us. And he was like, I'm sorry about this. And just started moving furniture like from the balcony. And we were like,

you're all right, mate. What are you doing? And he's like, oh, I'm so sorry to bother you. You can have, you know, everything's fine. We've just been rung from head office

and told to bring in the furniture from the balcony because the rioters are coming this way. Was he creating like a barricade? Yeah, it was it was literally like you know last orders when the landlord wants you to fuck off i was gonna say like lame is when they're building but it felt like that except it was like quarter past three in the afternoon and we were like yeah can we still get our cheeseburgers three chairs so then we walked to the cinema paid for the film and they they let us in and then the

writers just got to the middle of town at that point, where the triangle is, and the Odeon, cool as fuck, just closed the shutters and let everyone watch the film. They didn't stop the film or anything. By the time the film finished, were you allowed back out? No. Did they put on another film?

That's what I want to know. No. Surely they should be silent and go, right, you've seen Big Mama's House. We've already done Big Mama's House too no there's just a guy

came forward and told us for how long will you suck with no film did you do a set I was like listen

there's about 12 people here this is my kind of crowd everyone looking a little bit scared that's how I like it I feel like I would've done a set

like Cliff Richard at Wimbledon. I was going to say. So a guy came forward and went, guys, can you stay in your seats? We've locked down the cinema for your own safety. We're going to ask you to stay in your seat. Everyone was camp.

Stay in your seats and we're going to decide with speaking, you know, with the management and what's best for your safety. And we all just sort of sat there. I don't know if that would have been the time for me to stand up and be like, thanks very much, thank you. Who's drinking?

Ice blasts. Dan was just there trying to make a baseball bat out of minstrels. Mushing together candy shrimps. Cost you about 25 grand for enough minstrels in the cinema to make a baseball bat. You need a mortgage. We were only in there for about 20 minutes

and then they let us out through Nando's. And in my head, I was like... Couldn't he have put some trailers on for you, couldn't he? Being like, come back next week. Well, the film was Super 8, and it was pretty shit. Super 8? What? Super 8.

The film was Super 8? Did you miss it in 2011? That Super 8 film? It was called Super 8. Super 8? Which is a type of camera. Literally. It's a type of camera literally it's a type of camera

yeah but is it a fucking camera um made of shit um yeah we were in there for about 20 minutes and then i wandered home and uh i feel like this is a story that i do in my stand-up so i'm not giving you the the full version of it but yeah it was pretty stressful and on the way we got back finally and we were watching the looters because there's about

that night there was about 1500 ne'er-do-wells roaming around Manchester we were only locked in the cinema for like 15 minutes after the film

and when we got back me and my mate flatmate Andy we just looked out our window because we lived in Manchester City Centre and we saw people just coming, like Scallies,

going back to the rough bits of Manchester, like Aperay and fucking Miles Platten. And they had the things that they've nicked. And one guy had a, and he looked pleased as punch, had a keytar. Do you remember the 80s electric guitar guitar yeah so he might have got a fucking prison sentence for a nostalgia yamaha keytar what are you literally was like hey fuck you this system can i ask you a question what would you loot right so this is gonna be

sort of what i want to know from both of you is actually is would you loot if so this is going to be sort of what I want to know from both of you actually is would you loot if you knew like you've got like a bali on balaclava or like you wear schnoods right

schnoods they've got the schnood hat schnoods would you loot because really who are you hating the shops going to

be insured for that the only people losing are the insurance company and fuck them I think we all agree on that. I'm getting myself some shoes, mate. 1,500 people roaming around smashing shops up.

We lived near a car park that had a mother care world and a JD spot, like a big one. And we just watched. It was amazing. It was like, you know when you've got iron filings and a magnet and you can move them round? Police cars would swoop in. All the scullies would go,

and then within ten minutes they'd all just come back because they were like, fucking, it's like a JD Palace. And the Bang & Olufsen got done professionally. Like two vans turned up, smashed in the posh stereo shop. But I would you, Lou, if you'd already seen someone done the window, so the doorway's open, you don't do the breaking, you just do the entering. And you'd already seen someone done the window. So the doorway's open. You don't do the breaking. You just do the entering.

And you're going to get away with it. Well, that's what they all thought. There was literally people on the BBC going, it's fucking, it's menace night tonight. Everyone's getting away with it. It was like literally a thousand convictions. What's that? Oh, mate, yeah.

Have you heard about the day? But what would you steal is the question. I'm would you? I think I'm too much of a wee bitch What We're talking about trainers You're a fucking Trainer head aren't you

I'm not a massive trainer head I know but to the point If you saw like Like Yeezys or something I'm not into But like Go on Take a pair of fucking

Vans I love free shit mate And I'm getting away with it Fuck it I'll take whatever I want yeah it'd be hard

because Adam would just walk past the checkout and you're like you're not going to mention it that's an in joke that

I hope the casual listeners get it I like a bit of a fucking thievery just a little bit of go on what what would you what you've got to

sort of it doesn't count if there's no risk of conviction you cover you get the snood on you might get convicted you might not they might clock you on the CCTV And what would you... You've got to sort of... It doesn't count if there's no risk of conviction. You get the snood on. You might get convicted, you might not. They might clock you on the CCTV.

There's do you loot, conviction or not, and then there's also if you don't get convicted, what do you loot? The Apple Store is pointless. It's all registered. Have you not seen what happened last time? They've all got messages going, can you please return this product to the Apple Store you stole?

Well, John Lewis then. Like somewhere where there's loads of computers and that. What, are you going to steal it, John Lewis? Oh, I thought you meant like the homeware section. Like a lovely crew set. You've got a new triple A. I'll be well healthy in prison. Don't worry about me. I'll take whatever I could.

Like, it's supermarket sweep, innit? You've just got to fucking go as fast as you can. I'd fucking love to do supermarketmarket Sweep, by the way. I used to watch Supermarket Sweep thinking, what are you fucking idiots doing? Why are you wasting yourself on the fucking turmeric and shit? They're putting fucking spices in. They're fucking 50p.

Get to the big aisle, box yourself off. What would you go for? Just microwave, microwave, microwave? Yeah, stuff that you can resell. You don't need to keep it, do you? Well, that's looting, isn't it? You've got to go expensive but carryable. And they used to let people do it at 10 a.m on itv1 with our fucking dale is he dead yeah yeah what would you steal uh i think a camera is a good one

because it's not like connected to anything so you wouldn't get that's off grid yeah off grid you gotta go cold protocol camera a telly they're off grid no more though they're on wifi aren't they no guys come on looting

you gotta get it back through Manchester yeah you're not taking your car to loot why you're not parking up and having to loot

and then driving off registration there was no cars could get in the city centre I steal a big leg it was all blocked off also make fucking sandwiches

for the looters you can still take the ones they hang up in big European shops and sometimes in little. Yeah. You can still take a tally. I fucking love it.

Because you're just walking in free Manchester and the police will be like, what the fuck are you doing? Be like, I bought it. Prove it. They don't have to. Prove I didn't.

That's exactly how that works. Prove I didn't take it. I'd take SD cards Because you could get fucking loads And as we know now They're expensive Yeah

Oh yeah I'd take about a fucking thousand Yeah but you could fill your pockets with them And still take the telly I just want a big fucking I want like a ten grand telly This is like a purge question Because have you heard the story about

When Ireland fucked up the legislation On drugs There he goes And accidentally made everything legal for a day Just one day In the Republic. For a day. And it stood?

All drugs. Yeah. And people walked up to police officers just putting pills in their mouth and doing coke and all and just like. And they couldn't do anything? Because it was legal. Because they like forgot to start the new legislation. They got the dates wrong.

Oh my God. Was it New Year's Day or New Year's? Was it just random? It was random. I feel like it was a bigger fucker to let that information out than to actually fuck it up in the first place. The fact that they've gone, by the way, guys, just so you know,

we've accidentally made drugs legal for the day. Just keep that fucking amongst you and your secretary. Do you know what I mean? Lisa, tell no one. Yeah, it's not like stoners are like, oh my God god there's this new legislation but it's just the

excitement of people like going right up to a police officer and just chucking pills in your mouth and be like that is fuck all you can do my god

you could do that anyway really though and be like prove it wasn't a minstrel it was just a paracetamol this is my TV that's not drugs

it's a tic tac I own this fuck the receipt bye bye but you could be walking through Liverpool city centre now with a telly the police aren't going to be coming up to you and go and prove that you're telling them. I don't think you understand what Manchester was like that night, it wasn't just like

evening shoppers, few people at Café Rouge, it was fucking bedlam. Was it? Yeah Was it the same in Liverpool? What? We got writers too at the same time in Liverpool wasn't classic Manchester Liverpool

like what the fuck are you doing yeah someone tried to do the apple shop yeah I'd definitely lose this is the answer though

I'm definitely giving it if everyone else is doing it I'd get bad FOMO me fear of missing out I'm not watching someone walk around with a brand new shit

I'm walking around like I just better get myself home. I've just seen Big Mama's House 2. Nah. Gimp. Is that because you didn't know the film that I'd watched, you decided you'd make it a film you knew? Yeah, I don't know that film.

Must have been Big Mama's House 2. Gimp. I can live, I can live, I can live. Should we call that an interval? Yeah, we're going to have to. That was fucking silly nonsense. What's happening, lids? Today's sponsor is Beer 52.

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Did you get anything on your balls yesterday? That's so funny, you should ask. I know. Because we just be like ad lib and just freestyle here. But I just felt the need to ask. Yeah, well, this is the thing. It's International Men's Day. You got to check in on your...

Testicular health and your chili on your dick. I was doing the good male health thing after I was cooking dinner because I'm a feminist and I was cooking dinner chopping a chili went upstairs

was doing away and thought oh I'll check if I've got ball cancer and I got a lot of chili on my balls

and I was like oh that's tingly and I was like Izzy my balls are like do you shave your balls no but still by Manscaped

or whatever um this guy do you think hair is gonna stop chilly like getting to your balls no but like when you

when you shave you cut a bit don't you and that would be worse oh la la la oh yeah for me would be worse oh my god well like getting a bit of chilli

in a course would be worse yes but this was way more sore than I thought it was going to be so it started it was like a bit tingly I was like oh shit what were you making for tea

I was turning bolognese into chilli the classic right and then I I was like oh shit what were you making for tea I was turning bolognese into chilli the classic right and then I I was literally just chopping a chilli

so it was all over my fingers you know with a good technique and scratched my balls and then it started to tingle and I was like

I got some cold water and like splashed on my balls whenever you whenever you splash it cold water on your dick or balls you know the day's

gone wrong innit and then that made it like a what do you mean do you not do that anyway what do you give your little dick and balls

a little freshen up of a morning on the face on the dick if I'm not getting a shower yeah is this before or after the hair drying

oh yeah he's a hair dryer do you not give your little little ball bath I don't do that what sorry to take you back Vittorio He's a hairdryer. Do you not give your little ball bath? I don't do that. Sorry to tell you about Vittorio, to your fucking degree, but... A little ball bath?

Your tea bag, your sink. Your tea bag, your sink. You've done your face, and you just put your dick up. Up to your fucking nipples? What was this? No, it's classic. What was this?

You put your dick up. Medically smaller, this. It needs cold water. What was this? You pull your dick up. Medically smaller, isn't it? It needs cold water. It just keeps growing. You pull it up. Not having it? I'm not having it. You fucking dirty little man.

Can't you just spray it? So do you get a shower every day? Every day. Damn. I don't shower for something! I don't shower for that, Jack! Yeah, you don't shower every day. Most days.

Who needs to when you've got the Swedish ball bath? He's just got a little dick bidet that he donks his little fucking widget. It's not a monk. If you haven't got time for the shower, wash your face, splash your balls, because it can get fucking musky down there.

It won't if you just shower more. You've got your ball deodorants as well, haven't you? I'm only joking. I know. My fingers saw. I know. But it didn't help, the cold water. That made it worse, so I went in and got...

It's like when you have something spicy and you drink water, and it makes it worse it was worse and then you need milk on your dick right there's a there was a progression

no no no let the man tell the story let the man tell the story so then I went in because I've been having some dick issues recently yes welcome to the fucking team

mine's not mine's inactive and Izzy's fucking it's alright because of lockdown like I was away from a girlfriend and I'm like

a lot of the time just too lazy to have a wank so yeah right so basically my dick forgot how to do everything

so it got like super tight and then I had to like stretch my dick out again so I just I thought I was gonna have to because it happened

to my mate in school my mate had to get circumcised at like 15 years old because his foreskin was too tight and I thought I was like oh fuck to get because it happened to my mate in school. My mate had to get circumcised at like 15 years old because his foreskin was too tight. I was like, oh fuck, it's happened. Do you know like

when you're cooking a sausage and it just bursts out the end but it's still like that's what my dick looked like. So you got too much dick for your foreskin? Or too little foreskin for my dick.

And sorry, not to sound, I don't, you forgot to wank and your dick forgot to how to get it done. I just, it hadn't been stretched as much

what has you been doing it's like do you know when just been a summer off or something have you ever gone to the gym and you've done too much without stretching first

right right you end up a bit sore so when I came back to he pulled his hamstring in his dick exactly he pulled his dickstring wow

but then it's all because I so I had dick moisturiser in the bedroom and I was like that'll fucking solve the specifically for your dick no no no

but it was like Johnson's safe safe moisturiser in the bedroom and I was like that'll fucking solve the specifically for your dick no no no but it was like Johnson's and Johnson's safe safe moisturiser that I was using for babies oh he's fucking made up with that one

so I went in got that again worse and at this point it was starting to really fucking burn so I was like

Izzy and I didn't know this but she'd been like frantically googling like chili on your balls like how to fix it so she comes upstairs with vegetable oil and philadelphia trying to make a sandwich i was like why are you basting my I'm called fellas Oh my god So I tried the vegetable oil But I was like this just feels like my balls are cooking Oh my god

And then We filled a bowl with milk Like you would for a cat And I was just Put your balls in a bowl of milk I just dunked like a tea bag I put the milk in first Semi skimmed just yeah yeah obviously

lacto-free almond milk you're so london now darling oh but then that was like helping a little bit but it wasn't really working and then i went upstairs i was like i'm gonna get in the shower and then put the shower to the normal level but then the hot water was fucking awful so i put it to a cold shower and just held it on my balls and that just basically numbed i've got to say though you've got to be very very thankful that you've got a girlfriend oh you went like just like you know it's locked down at the minute you can't really go out for dates imagine you'd met someone and you're like yeah i'll come around i'll cook for you and you're on a second date with someone or a first date yeah and you have to say listen

i'll finish the dinner in a minute but get the milk get the olive oil get the fucking cheese and get your ass up here girl this will be a story for the wedding speech fingers crossed you can't be having a one-night stand where you've got to get milk involved yeah well to be fair it's not even better doing it on your own is it thank god you had izzy there because if you do it on your own you pass out from the pain of the chili balls and someone finds you just looks like you've had the worst wank in history. I've got a smashed bowl of milk on the floor, and me just with red balls. God, vegetable oil.

And then, so cold water for about half an hour, and then I've got Souda Creme on my balls right now. Oh, poor little babe. Like a little baby. How do they feel and smell? They smell like Souda Cème with a hint of chilli. Spicy pseudo-crème. I'm concerned to all good retailers.

And then they're like a little bit tingly now, but that could just be because we're here. Yeah, because you're just happy. You get bald tingles. It's exciting to be here. You've got to be grateful. Have you ever had a one night stand? Yeah's never gone badly wrong like that i oh this might be worse than getting chilly on your balls because i've i'm like a big relationship guy i was in a big relationship from 16 to 21 and

then i've been in a relationship for almost three years so there was like a little bit of time of like a year in the middle where it was chaos that'll break it's a beautiful way to put it and um there was i was at this birthday party and it was like do you know like have you ever been to like a rich person's like 21st or anything where their parents put money behind the bar and shit yeah and you're like i was like oh my god because i was skint in london i had like no fucking money but you know when you're broke But you know you need a night out Yeah

To like fucking Get it out of your fucking system So I was like I'll pay for the tube there And then all my booze is paid for Because of the fucking rich parents So I rock up And I just park at the bar

Because my thoughts were Well if I'm at the bar Everyone will Come to the bar and I'll say hello to everyone just double spice rum and coke

double spice rum and coke double spice rum and coke got the order it's fucking great order and then it gets to the last the bar the money's running low

behind the bar and he's like we can only give you singles because the money's running low and I was like can I have two single spice rum and cokes and he was like

yes I was like fucking see you two single spice roman cooks and he was like yes i was like i can see you later and then i tell you what it's just way of pointing out if you've been to one of those parties the bar staff hate everyone yeah because they're not getting tips yeah do you know i mean like at a paid for bar it's the worst thing in the world but then sometimes you can really make the bar staff happy at the end of the night when we used to work in Zeligs there was a bar so in the downstairs

but there was two bars there was the main bar and there was a little private area that often got cornered off on like a Friday Saturday night for like a little private party and if you got put on that bar you knew

you were either going to have your best night or your worst night for that month because sometimes they get to the end and be like what's the bill

£2,700 okay yeah just put that on my card see you in a minute and sometimes you go £2,700 okay yeah just put that on my card see you in a minute and sometimes you go £2,700 and they'd go put three grand on lad

and you'd just get like a £300 that's your tip because that's your bar for the night yeah but in general they resent that

I worked at a bar mitzvah once where there was money behind the bar and the rabbi came up to us beforehand and told us all the drinks that weren't kosher is that the right word

is that the yeah yeah the Jewish halal yeah right word? Is that the Jewish halal? Yeah. Yeah, kosher. It's the Jewish halal. They don't like it being referred to as that. How do you know? Have you ever asked them? Stop doing that.

You can't ask them. Assuming people's offence. You fucking rat. But people kept coming up and ordering desperados and desperados isn't kosher why is it not kosher though I had to be like

they were like can I have desperados and I had to be like I thought it was just bacon with them no it's bacon and like some flavourings

and tequila infused lagers yeah it was really specific but anyway so I was I was raking in these rum and cokes and then I finally I was like

I need one more drink to be drunk enough for this to be a good night so I paid for a double spice rum and cokes and then I finally, I was like, I need one more drink to be drunk enough for this to be a good night. So I paid for a double spice rum and coke when the money ran out and I was like, fucking great. Went out into the dance floor

with my one paid for drink on my one night out of fucking like five or six months. And this girl comes up who we went to the same uni but like didn't really know each other. And I was like, all right.

And she was like, oh, can I try your drink? And I was like, yeah. So she takes a sip and then i go to like we're dancing and then i go to take it back and she just like pulls it away and starts dancing with my drink and i stop dancing and go what the fuck are you doing and and she just gradually drinks my whole drink in front of me and i was furious and you haven't even got the money to buy the one the silence in this room i'm fucking skint right and then i was like i was like what the fuck are you doing and she like grabs me and starts kissing me fair enough and

i was like all right okay and then we're kind of dancing and kissing a bit and a classic like you know like uni party where everyone knows each other everyone's like rubbing the back of my head and like be like and um then she goes oh where do you live and i was like oh north london she's like how long does it take to get there and i was like 40 minutes and she's like oh i was like why where do you live she's like oh there and i was like oh cool pretty bad by me i went i have a rehearsal near there Tomorrow morning Nice And she was like You coming back to mine then It was like half ten And I was like yeah

And I assumed she meant At midnight or whatever And then I started dancing And she was like What the fuck are you doing Get your coat So I get my coat Aggressive right

So I get my coat What the fuck are you doing Get your coat That is a woman Who is D dying for dick assertive so she so i grab my coat i'm like happy birthday see you later and i just fuck off and we're walking to the tube and she starts like grabbing my dick and like kissing me and shit on the way to the tube and i was like yo just wait till we get back to your flat or whatever

like it'll be fine you fucking no no and then she was like sorry i'm really i'm really dominating but you'll find out more about that later and i was like in my head i was like easy night for me fucking sweet and then i'm gonna be the lady but she kept saying this weird thing because i'd done comedy nights at the uni she was like oh you seem like you seem like such a dickhead like on stage but you're like you seem like such a dickhead, like on stage, but you seem nice now. And I was like, why are you fucking... Exactly. And she's like,

you just swear and say things you're not supposed to say and it makes people laugh, but it's not smart. And I was like, what was that first bit? Makes people laugh? Fucking dog dog. But she keeps going like...

So she's grabbing... And then we're on the tube and she keeps... Was she just trying to emasculate you? Maybe it was like an egg. Because she wants to dominate you. She wants she's just trying to like emasculate you maybe because she wants to dominate you she wants to make you feel small and like like she

was doing you a favor maybe but we get back to hers and then by the time I've taken off my jacket she's entirely naked like socks and everything just like

you know the bit in Bruce Almighty sometimes people forget to take the socks off as well so fair play exactly she attention to detail stop and she like throws me onto the bed and i'm like fucking hell and then she starts like

start doing the banging yeah smashing and um and as far as i could tell everyone got what they needed from the transaction and all right the manager of HSBC. Fucking sexy talk. The world's local bank. I'd left a deposit. And then so I turn over to go to sleep and then she starts grabbing me and kissing me again and she was like, I want to fuck you again. I was like, oh, okay. But the first time as well,

there was zero chance of me being on top. She like pinned my arms down and was just on top. And I was like, okay, do it a second time. Again, everything seems fine. And then I turn over to go to sleep and she grabs me and flips me over again and starts kissing me and grabbed me and shit and i was like what the fuck romeo don't i want to fuck you again and then what we started time yeah hang on how much time has passed between maybe like 10 minute break oh no

right do you know genuinely do you know when i'm sober right do you know when I'm sober right do you know when I'm sober and you're having a good night with a girl I'm quite happy to keep cracking on until it just won't do anything

yeah right I'll go and go and go if I've had enough to drink yeah it's once and we're having a nap yeah one and done oh come on

three goes me and Laura we're like once you're done, that's November. See you next month, love. Oh, like a few goes and I'm sober. We bang like a direct debit. Yeah.

I've made that twice in a row. No, mate. When you're like, yeah, second and third go when you're sober, they can be better. But I was like... Because you're not as like... I was 19, 20. Your first one, you're trying to get it

done as quick as, and also you don't really enjoy the first one sometimes as a man because you're like I've got to fucking hold this for air and the second one you feel like I did my job the first time, minute and a half, I'm fucking spaffing, you've got one in the bank do you know what I mean, second one is for me, third one

let's work together. First one, I'll put the effort in. Second one, let me do me. Third one, tennis, back and forth. First one, nice. Second one, come on. Third one, fuck off. Let me go to bed.

Come on, sorry. We do the third one. Then that's enough, innit? And I turn over And she starts grabbing me And kissing me For a fourth time? Yeah She is wrong And then

Oh no, I've got it wrong During the third one She stops in the middle And makes like a Face And I was like For the listeners A fucking face

That you don't want to see When you're fucking having sex And I'm like Are you okay? And she like gets off And she's sitting like Oh, I'm so sorry And I was like what's wrong she's like i just get panic attacks sometimes wow oh hey hey no and she like like she didn't know whether she wanted and i was

like it's okay like people like i get panic attacks it's okay like do you need water do you need whatever pure couldn't decide what she wanted and then she just snaps out of it and starts kissing me again and i'm like whoa and then she's snaps out of it and starts kissing me again and i'm like whoa and then she's like oh no it's your time to go on top and i was like i've i've if you just said that like this i would have but is that why she panicked she was like oh wait i've been on top this whole time she she was like, my method! So then we're building up to the kind of third and a half, fourth time. And she's like, she goes, can I tell you a secret?

She sounds so crazy. Go on. And I go, we... But like, it's sexy crazy, innit? Who gets in the third bunk and goes, panic attack! Not fine! Can I tell you like can i get a taxi you crazy bitch no that would actually turn me on again that would it was that mental round five yeah just so i go you probably shouldn't because we don't really know each other like we've kind of just met like

and she's like no no i've never told anyone this before but i really want to tell you and i was like i don't think you should but i'm not going to stop you if this is about one of our uncles i swear to god but she so i was like you can tell me if you really want to and she's like i'm gonna tell you and she looks me in the eye and goes i've always wanted to cut someone and lick their blood. And that's how you met Izzy. Wow. I believe the words I said were,

no, not me, thanks. Oh, my God. So here's the thing. On a one night stand. Here's the thing on a one night stand there's the thing right quarter to 11 that's too early here's the thing i'm telling you right now on round four that was wasn't it or three yeah i'd be like you fucking met on a mouse that was wasn't it or three yeah right i'd be like you fucking met on a mouse that would be the line for me if i hadn't come for the first time yeah i'd get a knife let's go let's fucking dig in girl we didn't get anything so he's on the way home who can blame you come on Cut whatever you want Wow

So I stopped And I was just like I'm gonna go to sleep And then she's like Fidgeting in bed And I'm like Yo what's up Like what's wrong

And she's like Sorry I just can't sleep When someone else is in my room And I was like Can I Cause I have to be up early And so she goes Yeah

And then she gets up And starts like Tidying her room Because she can't sleep She wants to use a bounce there Yeah Well She said she couldn't sleep her room because she can't sleep. She wants to use a bounce day, yeah. Well, she said she couldn't sleep, I assume, because she wasn't hanging upside down. And she could smell garlic on your balls.

She's like, is that vegetable oil? I can smell chilli. I'm gone. Well, well, well. And in the morning, I went to leave and she went, ah, ah, ah. And just tapped her cheek and made me kiss her on the cheek before I left. Fair enough. She gave you the night of your life there.

She deserves a peck. I don't miss being single. Although, to be fair, that wasn't really my... You know when you went, that year was chaos. I'm like, yeah, I see it now. That year was chaos? That was one night? Yeah.

But that'd do you for a year, though, wouldn't it? Cut me. What do you want to do? Some questions? Some have a words? Do you want to try and solve some people's problems? We've got three have a words. We've got some questions.

Adam? Do one question, then do one have a word? Comedy would you rather? Love the pod, but would you rather get to do one sold-out show at Wembley Stadium, but never get to do comedy again after that or only ever be able to do unpaid open mics for the rest of your career cheers andrew jones so what you're making easy what what before we do what you're making from a sold out wembley it's going to be a million yeah no no no oh no that's Wembley Stadium

isn't it so yeah Wembley Stadium Wembley Stadium Wembley Stadium's 70,000 tickets 70,000 plus the pitch so 70,000

no no no because it doesn't work like that that's still only going to be about 50,000 people the way they'd lay it out oh right not worth it then

but like let's say it's 30 quid a ticket at 50,000 people that's one and a half million quid and you'll end up with a third of it. So you're looking at about... Half a mil. You're looking at about half a mil.

It's life-changing, but it's not done forever. Right, right, right. Can you still podcast and stuff? Yes. The answer is so easy. I would do unpaid open mics forever. Yeah.

Because I need to gig. It's not even close to especially because we've had the insight in the past few months of what it feels like to never gig again yeah and it's i don't want have you been have you been this long enough have you been the second time around because i just got it we we drank here for the lockdown locking on saturday and on sunday i started like we i wasn't capable of gigging i was in bits like i couldn't even finish a fucking bacon sandwich on sunday morning you were so quiet in the whatsapp group i just someone tweeted me like dan i was like i'm not doing it uh but i i as i was sobering

up and i felt hungover i was like i thought miss gigging what have you been like the second lockdown well it's been Because I've kind of Just moved in with Izzy We've just been doing Like loads of DIY And stuff And like hanging up

Pictures and painting walls And getting And you work hard With your online stuff As well Like as soon as As soon as the first Lockdown happened

And same with the second one I just started making Loads of online stuff Because I need to keep the voices quiet. Oh, okay. Like you don't know. Come on.

I don't have voices. It's just my voice going, you're going to be big, kid. I'm going to make you a big star. The thing is about unpaid, unpaid open spot gigs. No,

open mics, not open spots even. Oh yeah. They can be great because, you know, we always, we've just slagged off

junglers for the whole of the first section. Big parties of 40, big parties of 30. That commercial side of the circuit comes with pressure and we've talked about promoters that are like you've got to do the job here kid

like sorry open mics everyone's just like yeah just come see some comedy you will be able to do like in august you went and did a an open mic night and did the middle like the yeah the unpaid middle bit yeah but they're they're actually a little bit hitting me some places but you never get the you very rarely get the bell ends it's it's just quiet also when you're good and you'd had an open mic night yeah you do feel a bit like fucking dave chapelle oh let's see when when you start and then you're doing open mics for a bit and then you consistently become like the best person and they start getting you to do 10 minutes at the end instead of five and you're like yeah why are they on live at the Apollo instead of me and you know some of those fives like oh I think

he's fucking big balls don't he oh look at that 12 minute Vittorio yeah yeah yeah I remember because I totally skipped the London open mics there like, I never did an open mic in London. No, same here. Never touched it. And it's quite a fucking step to miss. Well, I did one once, but I was already a pro-comic. So I was already doing a few of the clubs. Yeah. And I was down in London for some like filming.

And it was a Monday night. And there used to be, I think it was called Soho Comedy Club but it wasn't in Soho it was just like dotted around like Covent Garden

and stuff was it Soho it was in a nightclub in like Leicester Square Covent Garden area

it was a Monday night and I had messaged the guy who ran it and went look I'm a pro comic I'm just going to be in town I've got nothing to do can I come and do a set

and he was like I just want to drop in is that right yeah but i had a fucking shite london open mic so uh there was like 30 40 people in a room that held 30 to 40 people was full great um and there was like eight to ten acts on it would all do in five and none of them knew me because this wasn't this was before I had any Hot Water videos and I had no profile, I was just a comic doing the clubs but none of them knew me at all because I was based up north, I didn't really go to London much and there was one guy amongst those open micers

who clearly felt like he was hey, I'm a bit of a big deal I do the 8 minute spots, I'm not just a 5 minute guy anymore he's the alpha open mic almost he was a gobshiteite i don't even remember his name and he was just like really condescending to me so he was talking like yeah so uh i recently did a tenet top secret on a wednesday and it could be quite when you start doing gigs like that it's just you know it's a bit different to things like this and i i was just was just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's why I dyed my hair.

And I, I had to go on just before him. Oh, thank you. Comedy guy. Oh, that you fucking. Yeah.

It was really, really fun. Cause I come off and he went, Oh, you're quite good. Really? Aren't you? And I was like,

yeah, yeah. Anyway, I have a good one. And he fucking did it. I like, I like the bit the not being paid for comedy makes it you know when you do new material nights that's essentially what a new material night isn't it for us it's the pressure of the pressure off of someone going fuck i'm paying you 300 quid you just get to be like i'm trying this it's exciting have you got one you want to pick out or have you

um do you know in my head you look like adam driver like when i'm listening or watching the pod because you're not on camera when you talk adam driver's face is in my head who's adam driver oh um without the beard he called it you're getting pinned for all sorts of the moment, aren't you? He's got a very strange face. Yeah, that's what I said. I'll be right. Without the beard. Joe Melrose says, Fucked up moral dilemma.

Your grandfather is on his deathbed. He has devoted his whole life to charity and he would like to leave his £1 million inheritance to charity. Just before he dies, he asks you to tick the box of where to leave his one million pounds inheritance to charity just before he dies he asks you to tip the box of where to leave his money uh to you or to the entire charity you know the charity is fraudulent but don't have time to tell him do you check your box or the charity oh you see you've made it too easy yeah joe you've just yeah he's made it too easy to be like oh fuck it so basically

let's make it harder let's say it's cancer research or me I'm still taking me your grandad I'll give them a bit I'll give them a bit

but I'm fucking boxing myself off what would you do how much is it a million quid if grandad Ro if grandad Ro was on his death bed

for all the money he got for plastering yeah yeah there's fucking wedge meat fucking cathedral the fucking yeah yeah there's fucking wedge meat fucking cathedral the fucking yeah

yeah and he was like that's him lads hello these plasterer hands won't plaster any more kids sign the will

weirdly there's two boxes you are Macmillan's sign that for tick that box

for me how much is it about a million quid yeah I'll take it for me right Oh, Macmillan's. Sign that for, tick that box for. Me, how much is it? About a million quid? Yeah. I'll take it for me. Right. I'll donate 20 grand to Macmillan. That's such a small amount.

20,000 pounds. I thought you were going to be like, half. Two percent. 20 grand. Two percent. Can you imagine how happy they'd be with you though? You'd walk in, cash, 20 grand. Yeah, they'd be like, oh my God, you'd be in the fucking paper.

You'd be lauded as a hero, and the only person who knows is me, and I've got a boat now. What if everyone knows? Same question, but people know what one is. Your family know. Your family are there, and he's like, Adams, you know, he's the executor, the will. I've made him.

Never mind, Mick. I've trusted him. Your whole family know that you've gone, fuck McMillans will I've made him never mind Mick I've trusted him your whole family know that you've gone fuck Macmillans it's hard money I know my family pretty well and I reckon

five grand each will keep them quiet fuck Macmillans get loads of money we're getting fuck all have that I reckon you know one of those parties

where I put the money behind the bar it'd take one or two of them and they'd be like oh Adam's alright right, really? You know what? Yeah. Therefore, come on.

Let's be honest here. When my granddad was dying... I think two grand is bad. My grand... No, 20. Oh, 20. Sorry, yeah. When my granddad did die,

there was about 150, 200 grand inheritance because he had his house and a bit of savings and there was a fucking little cunt woman over the road. And she tried to, she was single. She was a lesbian, right? Look at your eyes! Right? Which is legal now!

Single lesbian. She was about 40 years younger than him. And she tried to wear my way in because he was dying of cancer and she just she was going around every now and then getting close to him and then towards the end when he was getting really really ill and he needed constant care from the family the family started to notice and my granddad at one point was like you need to make sure you look after there she was a sniveling little cunt woman who was trying to wear him away into me grandad's will because she knew he was dying. Wow.

Fuck you, Janice. Janice. Was it Janice? Janice McIntyre. Why? Is that the real name? Yeah, and I don't mind naming her because fuck her, she tried to get some of me grandad's bag.

I don't think she's a patron, though. Doesn't matter, it's not a patron. Is it a public episode? It's a public episode. Tell her I said it! Janice McIntyre. You're a rat. Wow.

A fucking deathbed jumping, money grabbing cunt bag. Joe Melrose. And you deserve all of the bad luck that's coming to you. Joe Melrose, did you know this when you sent this questionnaire? Because I felt like. Flip it, dude. I remember a fucking shit haircut as well. She had one of those fucking haircuts. You her fucking shit haircuts as well she had one of

those fucking haircuts you know where it's like because she had like a nan's haircuts you know that

haircuts all nans have where it's like the sides are like basically shaved and then it's like curly on

the top she had one of them she was ginger a steel wall cut Dolph Dolph Lundgren who the fuck

which nannies have you shaved back and sides always running around Russian woods you know lesbian nannies fucking fade

yeah sides and it was up here fighting Rocky curly curly top a permy thing right

but like quite short on the sides right yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I remember her her breath stunk and I mean dog shit like she'd been

chewing poo all fucking day so you i fucking love it if she was dead so you don't like her just clear it up because you're being a bit vague you're not keen no all right cool what's the reverse so the it's kind of a reverse basically do you know this girl that wants you to fuck her that's gonna die yes would see if she had a million pounds i love it that he listens to the pod if you to i mean should we feel if she had a million pounds in the will and said she'd give it to you if you fucked her would you then fuck her absolutely right what are you having a laugh a million quid where's the but right

say it was ten grand he'd fuck her for bus fare ten grand yeah five no right right well if you'd like a charity photo

we know how much we've got to get to on GoFundMe and then Adam gets his dick out I'll be honest with you if comedy doesn't come back in the next couple of months if you're a ten dick out I'll be honest with you If comedy doesn't come back In the next couple of months

If you're a £10 patron I'll fucking So you're worth £10,000 then What? Like you're In bed No I'm worth a fucking

Freddo and a hot chocolate No I mean Your price is £10,000 isn't it? No It's just a horrible question I'm just being humorous What is your price? For what?

Sex Why didn't I I should have said that In a lighter tone really It's an honourable question. I'm just being humorous. What is your price? For what? Sex. With who, though? I should have said that in a lighter tone, really. Because it sounded like I was about to get the NatWest savings app out on my bank account. Get me six Heinekens and a rum and coke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, but...

Okay, then what if a Dubai billionaire says, my wife needs seen to? What is your price? She's like, I've seen your videos on hot water what's your price what's your price adam come see you know he's like he probably owns Man City or something so he's got money yeah come and see my pum pum come and see my whiz cleaver

do you know what you'd get over it ten grand ten grand ten grand is quite a lot of money no way if not really you'd set yourself that low

you're worth more than that ten grand changes your life a bit to bang a Dubai nana yeah how much to bang janice the lesbian who tried to rub your granddad oh okay now half a million half a million pounds you've got to and a breath and she tried to fucking you've got to make sure she enjoys it you can't like

kill it afterwards yeah yeah yeah i have to make her come yeah from the front as well yeah you have to look at her oh Adam do you miss your grandad I do how much half a mil oh

oh but she's lesbian so you have to wear a wig as well I don't think I can you know oh okay what I'd rather shag

an Israeli nana than Janice McIntyre okay good I don't know why Israel just got thrown under the bus was it not Israeli Dubai Shag, an Israeli nana, and Janice McIntyre. Good. I don't know why Israel just got thrown under the bus. Was it not Israeli? Dubai, yeah. Right, well, let's have a word with ourselves for coming up with that twisted fucking questionnaire.

Shall we do some Have A Word? You all right? Does that freak you out a bit? It's got a bit weird, that, hasn't it? Alright. Hey, guys. Just started listening to your podcast and they make my day at work so much better.

Could you have a word... Of course it does. We're brilliant. ...with my absolute bellend of a brother. He's 24 years old, on good money, just got a promotion at work and is still acting like a fucking

13 year old the most recent thing he has done is think that I was using his face wash which I am allergic to so instead of confronting me about it

like an adult he pissed in his own face wash and put it back expecting me to use it God what a fucking God I fucking love that guy listen to this listen to this turns out he was just expecting me to use it. God. What a fucking God.

I fucking love that guy. Listen to this. Listen to this. Turns out he was just leaving it open in the shower and my mum was closing the lid and putting it back. So he was pissing

in his own shower gel in fucking Face wash. Face wash in anger because he was like you fucking knob. And his mum was just like

oh that's open. Pop that back back I think do you know what if you think someone's using your face cream piss in it yeah yeah

Gandhi yeah was it Gandhi it was Gandhi Socrates actually yeah yeah yeah it's the Dalai Lama actually oh yeah

it's easy to get them so you mix up yeah didn't he burn to death why why are they still living Socrates if he's making good money.

Socrates was a footballer, but also a philosopher. Was it the same guy? No. That's so candidly. No, it wasn't. But good question. No, I don't think. I mean, you're trying to make out like he's a like he's a dick

and he is a kind of dick but it's so entertaining yeah the level of commitment to be like fuck you and then try and piss in the small little

I know a girl who had murder with one of her uni flatmates this is years ago and got her uni flatmate's toothbrush

and scrubbed the bathroom with it and then put it back and there was someone who I won't name them um spat in the girl's garlic mayo like she used to have garlic mayo on everything

one of them people so she spat in the bottle oh yeah huh so every time she used garlic mayo

they were spitting not even revenge for anything oh no no she hated that she didn't like you, they were spitting it. Not even revenge for anything? Oh, no, no, she hated that. She didn't like it. Do you know, for some reason, it's more evil when it's a housemate, when it's brothers.

You know, if you've got a sibling, you know when it kicks off, you're like, I love you, and we'll probably be there for the rest of each other's life, but I want to hurt you emotionally right now. Like... Yeah.

But doing that to a housemate's proper evil, innit? I mean, get yourself a job and move out, you fucking dickhead. It's time to have a word with Vittorio. He gives two fucks. Yeah. Probably it's just time to move out so no one can piss in face washers. He's like 14. Move out.

Yeah, yeah. You'll be all right, lad! You'll make it! this one's from Claire can you have a word with the drug dealer who lives on my street probably not I already love Claire

he's put his prices up doesn't he know there's a recession can you have a word with drug dealers make them cheaper they're dead nice can you have a word

with the drug dealer who lives on my street? For family safety in general, not being a grass reasons, I won't name the street. But if he listens to this, I'd like him to be more specific to his clientele about his address. I live at the first house on a long road... Clientel? Cli?

Ontel? No. Cli? Ontel? I live at the first house... Ontel of Cli. All right. I live at the first half. All right. All right. I live.

He's gone. ADD's kicked in. He's gone. I can tell he's gone. He's not talking and you are. That's all it is. It's fucking brutal. Clee on tell. Oh, here's one for another time.

My girlfriend made me take an empathy test recently and I scored real low and she thinks I've got something wrong with me now. Also, I fidget a lot. I'm going to don't't my skin fizzes do you get that whoa no you're you're gonna be a brilliant comedian honestly you've got all that what were you saying okay the cleontel do you think you can do it i i heard absolutely nothing after cleontel told you absolutely nothing after clientele. Told you. This podcast hasn't got long.

I mean, we could go longer. Go on, clientele. I'd like him to be more specific to his customers about his address. Customers. Customers. Customers. Customers. customers customers customers customers I live at the first house on a long row of terrace houses

he lives at the other end regularly we have people knocking on our door looking for James or simply asking for weed usually at dickhead o'clock weekend mornings I'm all for small business thriving during this pandemic proper scouse that

listen I'm not a fucking sorry I'm all for small business thriving during this pandemic. Proper Scouse that. Listen, I'm not a fucking sorry. I'm all for small businesses thriving during this pandemic, but Jesus Christ, James, I'm not your PA, and giving coked-up uni kids directions at 4am is not the life I want to live. Thanks, lids. Much love, Claire. She is a fucking idiot. Start selling drugs, dickhead.

Yeah, you can steal her. You've got customers coming lining up at your door go to J's get the drugs fucking make them a little bit more expensive you've got profit you know where the drug dealer is you've got direct supply you daft cunt mate

we have never given good advice on any one of these in the history of have a word I thought it had gone clientele, clientele turns out genius give out like fucking bags of flour because they're all mongy kids

no you don't need to do that because you need repeat custom also you can't you can't fuck people over selling them drugs when they've bought them at your front door

yeah she's literally got a supply chain at the end of the road it's like you know when like corner shops go to Asda and get the toilet roll and whack end of the road it's like you know when like corner shops go to Asda and get the toilet roll and whack 20 pence on

it's just like that it's like when you sell multi-packs of space raiders at school yeah except there's 5 to 10 years but apart from that it's exactly the same

yeah go to J's be like hey I would like to buy 200 drugs please take them home hello

knocky knock face could I have 200 drugs please take them home hello knocky mcknock face could i have 200 drugs could i have five bags of drugs and some smoky drugs i'd like two sniffy drugs four smoky drugs and three poppy drugs but you could literally you could have someone in the back garden right and they could just like someone comes to your door and they go, what's happening? Is Jay there? And she could be like, I'm Jay.

It's just a code name, right? Oh, and they're going to be like, the uni kids are going to be like, oh man, that's so fucking clever. Literally,

do you know what I mean? Like, you think the deal is called James and it's a woman? That's really sick. What do you want? Uh, five bags of smoky drugs, please.

Five bags of weed. Okay, just give us a minute. Go in your back garden. John, go, jump the backs. Jump the backs, go to Jay's, get five bags of smoky drugs, please. Five bags of weed. Okay, just give us a minute. Go in your back garden. John, go jump the backs. Jump the backs, go to Jay's,

get five bags of weed. In fact, get me one as well. We'll spend the profit on that. Go ahead. Comes back with six bags, sell it to the kid, take his money, and then, yeah.

Bit of a price up. Yeah. Also do toilet roll, Space Raiders. Yeah. Yeah, no. Yeah. Fucking genius.

I have nothing to add I I was genuinely worried after he couldn't get past Cleontel that the episode had gone fucking little out of nowhere

Jedi back in the game back in the game it's like when Messi starts walking about yeah towards the end of a game and you're like

oh he's he's checked out and chip it over the keep escort me ass it's just like that he's Messi he's the Messiiest podcaster. That has been a fucking... You know when you've laughed,

you know it's been a cracker. Thanks very much for traipsing up here. Do you want to sell... People need to get on the Angelo train. I bought this key ring with my Instagram QR code on it and then gigs stopped happening. So fucking scan that if you're on YouTube.

But it's Vittoria Wands. Do you think they can scan it from there? Oh my God, go for it. Wait for the autofocus. There you go. Let the autofocus do its work. Get even closer, lad. You can get right into that lens there.

Oh Jesus, it's not having it. It's quality podcasting. I'd love it if in the edit they just used the main shot just to put you over. Follow Vittorio. Check out Doing Bits. Doing Bits with me and Eshan

I've got a new podcast coming out next week called No Blacks No Dogs No Irish I'm so glad that's got other parts to the name

Vittorio Angelotti No Blacks you can have a hoodie that says have a word on it but we can't sell hoodies that say No Blacks

No Dogs No Irish fuck you fuck you merch so it's me and my mate Mo Who's a comedian and we do A podcast about race and stuff But it's like funny

So do we Yeah you do but like we're allowed A lot less informed No it's not Ours is just can you do the voice? No? Good But just follow me on Instagram

that's the best place to get to I do a Sunday roast which is fun so if you want to request a roast for your friends jump on there

and get them fucking roasted every Sunday check Vittorio out he's absolutely hustling and he's doing great work thanks for coming on man and do check out

we've got some new merch coming very soon. Keep an eye out for that. And go, if you want extra episodes of this, as we say at the start of every episode, we do an extra episode every single week exclusively on patreon.com slash have a word pod. We very recently did a complete bonus episode as well

where me, Dan and Sensei Carl got fucking hammered. It was called the Lockdown Lock-In and that is on Patreon right now. Yeah, a lot of our stuff. We can't make it public because we go a little bit too far. Yeah. fucking hammered it was called the lockdown lock-in and that is on Patreon right now exclusively to Patreon we can't make it public because we go a little bit too far yeah

follow us follow all of us at Danette has a podcast at Adam Rowe Comedy Adam Rowe Comedy on Twitter Adam Rowe Comedian on Instagram

we post a lot of stuff about what's coming up and there are some extras going to be coming out quite regularly up until the new year which is exciting yeah

and Carl shaved my bum all last week and that's going on Patreon tomorrow. Okay. Bye, Felicia. Bye, Felicia. Bye, Felicia.