Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #96 with Jonny Bongo - IN STUDIO - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: November 30, 2020

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You merely adopted the dark. I was born in it molded by it Who the fuck is that guy have you never seen me before when she pick it up every time she try to talk give her the dick She'll be like, hello. What? Oh, what I'm doing? This is when you get it. What I'm doing? Oh, none. Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios,

hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England, these are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale, and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube. Ja! Upset me! Don't be a rat. Download, subscribe, and tell a friend. It's the one and only.

Have a word. Could you do that again, Carl? Let's go. Oh my God. Sexy ASMR. Love a bit of fresh orange jelly in the morning. If you like sweet Tropicana. Do you like it with bits?

Did you like it smooth, Adam? Smooth, because I'm not a paedophile. Paedophile like bits. Famously. Orange paedo banter. Yeah, they do. You're a pulp guy, aren't you? I can tell.

Pulp? Yeah. Pulp? That's the Americanism, that. Is it? Well, that's the Friends one, isn't it? No pulp. Yeah.

What's it called? Just bits. We say bits, don't we? Yeah, classic English. We don't call, isn't it? No pulp. Yeah. What's it called? Just bits. We say bits, don't we? Yeah, classic English. We don't call it pulp. We call it bits. Yeah. Bits of orange.

No, I'd go smooth. I think smooth, yeah. You give off pulp vibes. Yeah? Yeah. I mean, if this is a slime, it's a pretty fucking lukewarm one, isn't it? You give off bits in your orange.

You can tell we've done quite a few pods this week. It's not amping up. It's like, yeah, well, you're not always kind. Oh, what have you been up to? I haven't seen you for fucking 12 to 14 hours. Oh, it's been fucking mad. Yeah? I don't know. This is starting to feel like a job.

It is, yeah. This week. Yeah. I've been here five days. Why was I tired when i got back last night how were you when you got back i was like oh i was just fucking laura's like are you all right it's been did it go well yesterday i was like today it was like yeah it went really well just felt fucking knackered and then we haven't got any food in and laura's

like now getting pregnant and large and i can't be like where's my fucking tea so i had to go to co-op and you're allowed to say they're getting large okay right okay good just a little fyi don't go you'll get in large love if there's no pregnancy involved when you're at like the four or five month mark you can be like oh that's a nice bump they're like is it am i glowing you like you you just gotta go you're getting larger i I'm beautiful. I love you so much. Is she glowing or is she sweating? She is glowing. Glowing, Adam. Glowing.

She's beautiful. She's all I could ever dream of. So I just went to co-op and did a tired shop. Have you ever done that? It's almost like you're regressing. I'm hungry, but I can't be bothered so

i just bought fucking chicken dippers and those like baguette garlic breads that you're meant to have with a proper meal and i had two baguette garlic breads and chicken dippers and i was i've never been happier you had that dinner that most people have on a wednesday the day before they get paid when there's fuck all else in the house, but you actually went and bought it. All fresh produce. I'm having coconut noodles with beans on toast. I've done that. Genuinely, that's fire, that.

Yeah, it's like making cocktails when all of the good stuff is gone, isn't it? You just start rummaging round in the fucking freezer. Uzo. Yeah, sorry, I was still doing the food bit, and you're like, you don't get Uzo out of the freezer. I had a bath last night oh my god it's done you wonder so you've turned up

in a cracking mood did you do candles no well that's the line is it that's the line yeah I got in a bath I do I did candles

if it was a Patreon if it was a Patreon episode I'd talk about candles put a podcast on got in a bath what podcast your mum's house oh that's on got in a bath. What podcast? Your Mum's House. Oh, that's on.

Got in a bath. I'm so jealous about other podcasts. Yeah. Who you listening to? What? You put ours on. Which one? Talking about ASMR.

Is that the one where everyone... You could do it, where it's just like nice sounds. Hello. So Carl... No, no, no, no. So Carl Donnelly does one. Laura was in bed. She had a little afternoon nap

while Etta was at nursery. She had her earphones and she was like this. I was like, you all right, love? She was like, yeah. Just listening to a podcast. I was like,

well, that's definitely not ours because no one listens to ours with their earplugs in, half asleep going. I was like, who are you listening to? She was like, Carl Donnelly. I was like,

it feels offensive. Yeah. She cheating on you? Carl Donnelly's in my wife's ears going, oh yeah, you know, I did something else. That was the worst Carl Donnelly impression ever. Yeah. But yeah, I get really jealous about other podcasts.

Someone sent me a link the other day. There's a guy who does like sexy talk ASMR for girls for them to fall asleep to. I don't. What? Please do some. Let's take it down. Yeah. So he's just like, yeah, baby do some. Let's take it down. Yeah, so it's just like, yeah, baby.

Yeah. I'm going to fucking cum in your ass, baby. No. I want to go to sleep, baby. No, no. I'm not messing. I don't think that relaxes them, though. I think you've got some of the sound,

and I'm not sure you've worked out the content. I'm not messing. No, he doesn't go, hey, baby, I'm not sure you've worked out the content. I'm not messing! No, he doesn't go, Hey, baby, I'm going to cum in your ass. Dream, dream, dream. Dream! You know you're a dirty girl if you want Adam Rowe doing hardcore dirty talk

but in a soft accent. I'm going to jizz on your tits. Night-night, love. I'm going to fuck... Adam Rowe doing dirty... It's not me doing it. You're going to have to wipe cum out of your fringe. Sweet dreams.

It's a real thing. He's like, yeah. Just spread them Spread that pussy lip So I can spit on it And lick it off I really need it Are you comfortable

Are you snoozing off Do you want me to slap my finger into the stank The stank Damn Is it American it have to be in the... Is it American? I'm pretty sure.

It has to be American, doesn't it? Can't be like, I want to put my finger in your wrong hand. It's a real thing, no? Like,

I'm not messing. And he's like, all creepy. He's like, yeah, I can feel you getting wetter and wetter and wetter. Adam,

you have not researched this properly. And I watched. You have not. Was it proper dirty? Yeah, I watched about 12 seconds of it and I couldn't anymore. Oh, I thought you just heard about it and gone, it's sexy talk. And that's your version of it? You're getting wetter and wetter around my plumpier hands. What?

Plump. I want you to dribble on my beard and I'll go and rub it on your face. Stop making eye contact with me. That was the most you've ever looked at me doing this podcast. Your nipples getting harder and harder. I would like to be asleep.

As I swirl my tongue. I'd like to be unconscious. Your nipples up and down your chin. I'm telling you there's some things Americans will always be able to do no one from Preston is like

I'm gonna dribble jizz on your chin and then do it quieter Geoff alright and then I'll get me man's bath I'll come on your leg

hey you never had j come on your leg. Hey, you never had jizz on your leg, have you? Oh, do Kevin Webster sexy talk. Kevin Webster ASMR. In the booth. Solid. Right, Kev, we're just about to go. Kev, we'll just check your levels. Right, really sexy, Kev.

Okay. Solid. Go, record. Solid. Listen. Rosie. She's asleep So's Sophie

I can't hear her, Jack I want to cum on your leg Every day I'll give you a ladder in your tights With me dick I was in the garage earlier Picked up a spanner I thought

I could do something with this with our Sally What? Put her up her arse Oh my god Mechanic sexy talk in the garage earlier picked up a spanner and thought could do something with this with our Sally what put it up her arse oh my god mechanic sexy talk I'll fucking change your carburettor I was covered in oil

I was like I wish this was air poom poom juice there's gotta be something to do with a dipstick do you think we could get sued by Kevin Webster

no because he's fictional that's true but he's fictional. That's true. But he's not, is he? That'd be a sick horror story line that Kevin Webster sues, have a word.

If he comes on, I want him to do it in character. Yeah. If he comes on, I want him to come in for approximately 14 seconds. I want him to look down

that camera and go, hey, listen up everyone, it's me, Kevin Webster. And then go. That's all we need. And then I'll just fall asleep gently. Yeah, we're not going to get sued

by the fictional mechanic from Coronation Street. And I don't think Michael Lavelle, the actor, really cares. Oh, all right. Michael Lavelle? He is the spitting image of my vagina. Are you Equity? Fucking knowing everyone's name. Oh, I'm sorry,

because I know one actor's name from Corrie. I don't know Ken Barlow's name. Well, there's a thespian. I'm surprised. William Roach? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, it's a famous one yeah

Hayley Julia Herman-Skaligov her second name's Mad wow good effort good effort though it's Julie Herman you sounded like an

alcoholic compere at a gig where you're in open spot Julia Skaligov blah blah blah I don't think soap operas get the credit they deserve

I think they get more than they deserve. But the longevity of them. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? They've been going for 60 years. We know from experience how hard it is to do six podcasts a week. Do you know what I mean? It's hard.

They do four or five episodes a week for 60 years. It's not seasons. It's still there. You know like Breaking Bad? Yeah, it's very good good but would it be better than Corrie if they had to do it constantly

that would be a real fucking stretch for both the actors and writers wasn't it year 60 of Breaking Bad exactly though

EastEnders did that didn't they what in the lockdown when they came back after the lockdown they said this is EastEnders

series 2 but they only did that as like a PR. Yeah, but it was funny, wasn't it? Yeah, and it worked. It worked really well. But they've done it forever and ever and ever. And what you're saying is it'd be hard for Breaking Bad?

You're not giving Corrie's writers the credits that they deserve? Yeah, but if I think something is dog shit, just because it's been dog shit for 60 years, if anything, it makes it more annoying, doesn't it? Like, I just can't be doing with it. what I do always think with those things. Stories that never end

on people that never go to Ikea. Who's moving to Coronation Street? Like, someone dies in a fire every six months. Do you know what I mean? Yeah,

yeah, yeah. Like, the crime statistics on that street must be like the highest in the whole of the country. No one's ever got mates

from uni that come and stay. Always the same fucking knuckles. You're all living the pub. Got no washing machines. Did you know that? Yeah. They've really struggled with washing machines. There's no Comet or whatever they sell.

No Comet? Comet, yeah. That's quite realistic, that, because they haven't been there. They went with Dixons in 2006, didn't they, then? Something where you buy washing machines. There's no Woolworths. You can't get the little cans or the pick and mixes. Dan tried to find somewhere where it sells washing machines.

Comet. Quack, quack. No, it's just, I can't. I find it very annoying, and the fact that it's there all the time and has been there forever doesn't win me over. Like, cancer's been around ages. I'm not like, you've got to give it to cancer.

Still fucking knocking them off. I don't think they're comparable. I don't think the longevity of Coronation Street can be compared with the worst disease in the history of the human race. I really don't think they're... Putting the numbers up for a long time. Emmerdale's definitely comparable.

You reckon? Yeah, to cancer. Why? Because it's fucking awful. Why is it shit? I don't think he's being unfair. So, what, do you watch any of them? No.

Okay. So this is going quite well. Coming out of the fucking Rona Malarkey, things, you know, are hopefully going to pick up where they were. You were doing well. TV, career's doing good. Got a tour hopefully coming up. But then Corey coming and go

we like Adam we want a young Scouse character or even EastEnders now let's keep it to Corrie because let's keep it local you could do the drive over to Granada

there's probably more Scouses that live in London though than in Manchester so it's probably more likely more realistic for me to be a character in EastEnders

than Corrie maybe alright we're in the weeds but pick the one that be a character in EastEnders than Coddy maybe. Alright we're in the weeds but pick the one that you find least offensive. EastEnders. How much are they having to pay you to be a full time

member of the cast on EastEnders you're saying it's fucking great it's a full time job. How much is Sadio Mane on? Just google that. 200 grand a week. 140. Google that. 200 grand a week. 140. 200 grand a week-ish. So you want 200 grand a week?

I'd be working harder than Mane does at Liverpool. What do they get on the soap operas? Do they get about 130, 140 grand a year? A year? Yeah. Mane's on 150 a week. There we go. That's what I want.

Yeah, 150 grand a week. I've got fucking 19,000 Instagram followers well that's it does that equate to yeah what would your what would your character be just me

just Adam Rowe in the square just play me self what play me self in EastEnders because then Adam we really want you

to be involved in EastEnders how do you see yourself in a role I'd like to be Adam Rowe the comedian. Why not, though?

Where have you been, Adam? Been to a fucking gig. But, as you know, I've got a problem with authority, right? So if the director's like, Court, court, court! You wouldn't fucking say it like that. Be like, listen, you fucking gimp. I know myself better than anyone.

Fuck out the way. I know exactly how I'd say it. On your bike, kid. Don't need a director for this scene go and do the next one what does Adam Rock do you set up a gig at like

do you set up a gig at the Queen Vic yeah every Sunday that'd be so shit new material nice at the Queen Vic oh fucking hell

yeah it's happening Bradley lad there's probably never been a stand up in soaps so that's not even a bad shot though exactly Peter Kay's been in Coronation Street he wasn't Peter Kay was he there's never been a stand up in soaps so that's not even a bad shot exactly Peter Kay's been in

Coronation Street he wasn't Peter Kay was he there's never been a stand up character they never want stand up characters in anything though

really do they exactly this is the opening Seinfeld sort of did it so well and then almost ended the fucking

and Louis did it as well yeah but he had to basically be one of the best comedians in history and then get FX, which is a lesser-known TV station and studio, to give him total control. And he edited that on his fucking Apple Mac, didn't he?

He literally edited the whole thing. Did he, yeah? Yeah, he had total control. Did I tell you? I worked as a consultant on a programme that was going to be made for Sky One about a stand-up comedian from Liverpool. It was going to be a drama. I'm not talking about this.

How have you never told me this? So I was... And how were you not in the running for the gig? I was. So this was about two years ago, maybe. No, probably a bit more, because I think I was still living with my dad, maybe three, three and a half years ago.

That's the weirdest thing. I was still living with my dad, but I was working as a consultant for Sky One. So I didn't get paid, but I got a phone call one night. I was in bed. It was about half one in the morning. Do you remember Arlo, the doorman? Arlo Bailey? Yeah. So Arloiley yeah so arlo's a i'm gonna bleep that shout out no it's fine he's a

good lad yeah he was a doorman on envy the nightclub that i used to work him and i got my phone goes and i had his number but i'd never spoken to him away from work and it rings at half one in the morning i was like i'd be a pocket dial so i answered it and he went what i told him like how's it going and i was like sound all. And he went, what did I tell them, Lord? How's it going? And I was like, Sandalo, how are you? He went, listen, this Australian fella here needs a Liverpool comedian. Can I just put you on the phone to him? And I went, yeah.

So I speak to this guy and he's Australian. He's like, I'm in Liverpool. I could do with talking to a local comedian who knows the scene. Are you free tomorrow for a drink? And I was like, yeah, sound. So I went and met him his name was michael thomas australian writer um and he took me to a few pubs around i've been he told

me he was writing this thing for sky one it had been commissioned um i went to buy a round at one point he was like none of this money is mine it's all coming from sky i'm paying for everything love the expenses so i met him in Liverpool, ended up, he came to a gig of mine at the Comedy Cafe in London. Johnny Schumacher came down with me that night, he met Johnny,

he liked Johnny, because Johnny's an actor as well, and he was like, he'd be fucking great for this role that I'm writing. And essentially, it was about, because Liverpool's got a huge Chinese community,

right, as in, lots of Chinese people, not big Chinese people, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, got a huge chinese community right as in lots of chinese people not big chinese people he fucking hell champ what do you mean you don't want to play basketball so yeah yeah he was writing this thing about there was a scouse family and they were having beef with the triads right

I'm not messing the Scouse family were having beef with the triads the main character was a stand up comedian from Liverpool who would just

come back from America because he tried to make it in America but he'd essentially fucked up his career and he was coming back and he was going to start

being a comedian in the UK again and he was Chinese heritage no no no he was coming back and he was going to start being a comedian in the UK again. And he was Chinese heritage. No, no, no. He was Scouse but his family had a link

with the Chinese triads of Liverpool. Right? But they weren't Chinese. No. But like, I think like... Do a lot of like Scouse families

get wrapped up in triad BA? But where's Paulie? I don't know, mate. She's been missing for two fucking weeks. And I either try William Hill what the fuck

Triad I think like his ex-girlfriend was a Triad fucking hell mate and this didn't get made with the absolute

fucking right okay we're gonna have an Irish like a Scouse family and then there's that needs to be more of a link don't it yeah absolute fucking right okay we're gonna have an Iron Man like a Scouts family and then there's

that needs to be more of a link don't it yeah I love it so I think his ex-girlfriend was a triad or something I can't remember

nightmare dumping that bitch but like he wanted so the way he wanted it to be was in a lot of the episodes

you would see bits of stand-up because the guy would be on stage talking... Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Hey, what about fucking triads? Who here has tried to dump a fucking triad? It's a fucking lie, ladies. And I'm not talking about triads.

Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. I said to me, Mrs. I hate triads. She went, what the fuck are you saying, lad? So, he was like, yeah,

I wanted to also in cap, because he was, he loved comedy and he was like, I've always wondered how comedians get to where they are and like the lower levels of the circuit.

He was like, so I'd like it to be about this Scouse family, the triads, but also they are and the lower levels of the circuit. He was like, so I'd like it to be about this Scouse family, the triads, but also the inner workings of the UK comedy circuit. It's like, I want to see. Because I was like, yeah. Because he was asking me, what are the problems with the circuit? And I was like, you know, sometimes a promoter won't pay you on time

and he's writing this down. He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, so you could have one time you could send the triads to a comedy club to get your money and stuff, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, so you could have like one time you could send like the triads to a comedy club to get your money in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good idea. It's almost like someone's gone, let's make the Sopranos.

But I really, I'm into beach volleyball as well. I really think we could, like the New Jersey Mafia, but also like one of the girlfriends could be like an Olympic beach volleyball player. What do you think? And they could be playing beach volleyball and they're all like, what are you doing here fucking spike the ball come on barbara what the fuck two cards what the fuck what an amazing bit could you imagine the scene when they get someone to play the fucking promoter and we know some of the comedy promoters are like,

oh, well, this is my gig and I'll compare it as well. And you have to cast that guy and then literally write the scene where a fucking Scouse comedian turns up with loads of triad back on. Bobby Maddox. Sorry, lad, it's two weeks back to follow. I don't think it is.

I think you're going To pay cash tonight Where you from I'm a trier But I sound Weirdly Mexican Oh my god I'd love to see this For all the wrong reasons

You're saying You didn't get the part. Bullet fucking dodge. He said I would have got an audition. But like in his head, because this was like, I think. So you're looking like maybe four years ago, maybe. If I was 24, he was like in my head. The main character's like early 30s.

Yeah. So it might not be you. But you know, we'll get you in it in another way yeah as a child what went wrong so he was

he was looking to get me in another way and then he he asked me like would I be interested in writing the stand up do you know what I mean

so for the guy he'd cast an actor but I'd write the stand up for the guy because he wanted episode an actor, but I'd write the stand-up for the guy because he wanted episode three because it was going to be on Sky 1. So you get 44 minutes of screen time because you get 11 minutes.

Then you have an ad break, and then another 11, and then another 11, and then another 11, for the hour. And he wanted episode three to open with just 11 minutes of stand-up to recap the first two episodes. So he wanted the guys to be on stage

with stand-up and written. I mean, like, yeah, so I was, I was broken in this deal between me ex-girlfriend and fucking Pablo Escobar last week. Yeah, so. was broken in this deal between my ex-girlfriend and fucking Pablo Escobar last week. Yeah. Adam, can you try and get a few more triad things?

It's so amazingly shit. I want someone to make it. They commissioned the pilot so you're laughing at this but like he'd got the commission from Sky One

because he'd been given a budget to come to Liverpool and research it all he was like it's a fucking Rupert Murdoch's money mate

the fucking rounds are on me yeah and then I took him to Brown's Shoreditch with Johnny Schumacher. I got bevvied there. I don't know whether I... I think maybe I forgot to text him back.

I wonder why. Maybe that's why it never got made. He was waiting for me to write 11 minutes of stand-up about the... Do you reckon there are triads in Liverpool? Yeah. Is it Chinatown?

I know there's a Chinatown yeah Definitely I wasn't ready to laugh that much That was a slow build Of the most ridiculous Amazing Yeah Yeah

Triads Yeah so Triads is the Chinese mafia. Am I wrong? The Chinese gang, yeah, yeah, mafia, yeah. Are they just Chinese, or do they, like... No, they're just Chinese. Are they a bit more divot?

Because 2020, are they letting other people in? Are they just Chinese? Yeah, I don't think the triads are like, listen, guys, we need at least one disabled lesbian. This is not very inclusive. He's Chinese. He's Chinese. He's Chinese. He's Chinese. this is not very inclusive he's chinese he's chinese he's chinese he's chinese i'm chinese it's starting to look bad we're turning up to killing someone and they're like bloody hell guys at least try and fill a quote

i don't mind being killed. But not by all Chinese guys. If you are growing up as a black dwarf in Liverpool, you should be able to believe that being a triad is a possibility for you one day. Imagine the black dwarf turning up with a triad. Get him, John. Get him! Get him, John. Get him!

I am here because you raped me, though. Lads, be honest. I am a good triad, aren't I? Lads! Lads! I'm not just here filling a quota, am I? Cheers, guys. Yeah, they're just Chinese.

Japan's the Yakuza isn't it Oh here he goes He's been waiting to see that Fucking with his ASMR I saw them If you dishonour the code of the Yakuza They chop your fingers off I used to see them on the beach What?

I used to see the Yakuza on the beach Because they've all got Fingers Just everywhere What you saw the Japanese Mafia On the beach Yeah so tattoos are Pretty much prohibited in Japan Because of the Yakuza And they have like So they have mafia on the beach. Yeah, so tattoos are pretty much prohibitive in Japan

because of the Yakuza. And they have like, so they have tattoos on the chest and the back, but they have the middle bit, do you know where your buttons go? Clear. So they can wear a shirt. So they can wear a shirt open.

Because they're the Yakuza and no one's going to be like, looks a bit noncy, mate. Yeah. So you can see them, they've just got a line to the middle of the belly and the chest and tattoos everywhere. And they used to be on

I used to go to a beach it was like a Brazilian beach lots of Brazilians there not many Japanese so they used to go there I used to see them all there's a lot of Brazilians in Japan

huge Brazilian yeah hot I used to go to a beach and it was 90% Brazilians and then 90% it was 9

in every 10 people it was 90% Brazilian about fucking 9.9% Yakuza. And then one Scouser. Sorry, lads. No, no, I'm not Yakuza. I got this in Benidorm 2007. It says, I love me, man.

Fucking hell, lads. Yeah, it was like 5% expats and then 5% Japanese people. That's incredible. Yeah, and all the yakuza were fucking sound as well they were sound yeah don't they kill people though yeah but that doesn't mean they're not nice as well oh yeah that like oh fred west probably bought his mates like prison presence and that yeah that was hard for them on it when he went down like oh jesus christ

i know he's killed loads of people but he got me a fucking amazon echo you don't fucking great one of them is dog this dog went over my towel and got sand on my towel and i didn't say anything shot the dog a member of the yakuza's dog got sand on your towel yeah i didn't say anything i just sat down i'd been in the scene I came back And it was all sandal over there And I was like

What the fuck? And this fella went Hey sorry that was me I was like no that's fine No problem Because I knew And then he went I'm in the Yakuza

And walked away And he went Do you live round here? And I was like No no we live about an hour away He's like Oh I've got a bar in Sakai Which is near me

You should come down one day And get some drinks with me I was like They were trying to recruit a scouser maybe why aren't you in the Yakuza do you know how much more

interesting it would have been if you'd have joined this podcast with fucking eight tattoos and a year's worth of Yakuza experience yeah

think of the sitcom you could have wrote he scouts it wasn't a sitcom they're Brazilian it wasn't a sitcom it was a drama it was meant to be gritty

yep could you write 11 minutes of triad based Scouse comedy for a gritty drama is this definitely going to get made oh yeah

oh yeah pretty good chance I can't believe you didn't go to Sakai, to the bar. You're getting the Tony Soprano of fucking Japan going, hey, it's just that way. Come to the bar. And you didn't go. I'd have gone that day.

We went to that bar previously because he went to, do you live around here? And I was like, no, Sakai. And he was like, oh, I've got a couple of bars that way. By the way, are they speaking English when they're talking to you? Yeah. Yeah. Your car spoke fluent Japanese.

I thought he could have. He's a bright guy. I couldn't have understood what he was saying in the conversation, but he spoke English. I mean, they have to because they're doing international deals, aren't they? Yeah. Even on the beach, full of Brazilians. He's like, you should come down and get some drinks together.

And I was like, yeah. And for like 10 seconds, I felt cool as fuck. Yeah. How did you know he was in the Yakuza? Because he had the tats And I was like, yeah. And for like 10 seconds, I felt cool as fuck. Yeah. How do you know he was in the Yakuza? Because he had the tats. Oh shit, yeah. You don't, like tattoos are not seen.

You can't go in lots of places if you've got tattoos. So if you've got them and you're flaunting them, you want people to know who you are. Yeah. Let's pass that. I'd have gone that day, me.

I reckon if that was me, I'd have ended up like running the Yakuza or something. Do you know what I mean? I'd have got in with them. Just for the life experience. Imagine the Edinburgh show you'd write if you spent a couple of years running the Yakuza. Adam and the Yakuza.

Does Japan appeal to you? We've talked so much about it. Everyone's Edinburgh show title's always, like, a pun, innit? You're accusing me of being a gangster. Oh! What?

You're accusing me of... All right. Yours is better. Does Japan appeal at all? What, to go to Japan? Yeah. Yeah, as soon as, like, COVID's over

in, like, six or seven years. Because I was going... I was going to Japan for 10 days I was meant to go and see him for 10 days and we made a new plan to go in

for the Olympics next year but that's going to be A expensive and probably not going to happen unless the vaccines come in spring and it's mass produced

straight away yeah I want to go in him I want him to show me around his gaffs and I want to go to that that place and have a bevy with the Kikki Hoos guy all I want is to be successful him. I want him to show me around his gaffes and I want to go to that place and have a bevy with the Kikki Hoos guy.

All I want is to be successful enough that I can go to Japan whenever I want. You want to just be able to fuck off to Japan for an hour? What, like a weekend break? Like people go to Amsterdam, you're going to fucking Nagasaki? He means more like the way I go to McDonald's for a McFlurry when I'm hungry.

That's what he wants. Like, I'll go on to Japan next week for the week or two weeks. Like, I've got a house there. That's all I want, just to be able to go when I want. Not like once a year because it's fucking...

Yeah, Algarve will do for me, you know, because of the flight times. I want New York for me. I want to be able to just fuck off to New York for two weeks, do two weeks of stand-up and maybe LA for the week and come back.

That's just you and me doing the podcast those weeks, Finn. When he's in Japan with his Yakuza mates and he's in fucking America. Does it appeal to you? China and... You don't want to live a life

and say there's somewhere you haven't seen. So I'm not. I've done some travelling. I've done... Most of my stuff is like tourism rather than travelling. And I've been places, which is a bit of a sneak, with gigs. But I'd love to see China and Japan.

I just don't know. They're incompatible, you know? Really? Genuinely. I feel like if you're in Shanghai and seeing China, you might as well get the two-and-a-half, three-hour flight. I don't know how far it is to Japan. About four hours from Hong Kong to...

Yeah. But, like, as compatible as Wales and Mexico. I'm a non-C... Genuinely, this... No. Honestly, theyuinely, this... No. Wales and Mexico... Honestly, they are. No.

No. Why are you saying no? Because... Because they're both vaguely the same in your head. Okay. Okay. Because they are geographically next to each other. They also...

If you look at their language and how it's written, there's a lot of similarities there. If you look at Chinese food and... Well, more than welsh and spanish well there's a welsh um society in patagonia and argentina okay yeah like just to blow that way out of mexico are like quite similar do you know i mean like a little small country near a fucking big one. Mexico, little small country. Comparatively.

Comparatively. Yeah, Wales is smaller than England. You are on the bullshit bus on this one. It's smaller than America. Yeah. Mexicans love going to America to get a better job. Wales, they love coming here. Just lost 500 listeners.

What are you fucking saying? No, I'm not saying they want to live here. They fucking hate us. Mexicans don't like America. Yeah. Wales they love coming here just lost 500 listeners what are you fucking saying no I'm not saying they want to live here they fucking hate us Mexicans don't like America yeah it's just as better jobs there

he's right though and there's always the Welsh trying to get over the border innit build a wall yeah round Shrewsbury yeah

yeah it's just the same they're always I've always had Welsh cleaners does Spanish use a very similar alphabet to us do you know what i mean i mean they use the same alphabet they've got like accents and stuff on top of them so like that we haven't got so it's very similar but it's not the same yeah china and japan same alphabet

no no exactly well they they share i'm arguing for you yeah you you've just he's just decided which way he's the wind's blowing on this. They shared a written language that is not used everywhere. Yeah. There's like, there's three languages in Japan, so. That must be a fucking

nightmare. I tell you, these lads from Wales, they'll back you up because you live in what? Llanelli or Brecon, you live in the fucking

valleys. You're like, I tell you what, we've been in Mexico for two weeks. I hardly know I'm out of the valleys. Honestly.

I've spent some time in Mexico City. No, but you can get a burrito. And it might as well be Cardiff. You can get a burrito anywhere now. Do you know what I mean? It's not like

people are wandering around while you're struggling to get a burrito. You can buy the wraps in Tesco. It's exactly the same. Fucking hell. Guadalajara.

Is it Guadalajara in Mexico? Oh, I fucking reached for that one. Mexico City is in Mexico. Abagaveni. That's not in Mexico. Thank you for... Mexico City is in Mexico. That's all you had

You fucking fella How can you even say it With a straight face That's Bit of info Remember this for your next pub quick Pub quick Mexico City

I'd say Mexico No but there's a London in Ontario So you never know You know what I mean There's a Newcastle there's a London In Ontario So you never know You know what I mean There's a Newcastle There's a Paris Tennessee isn't there Oh yeah

But the Americans Just ripped off All the fucking There's a Paris In Tennessee Bargatze's got a bit About that hasn't he Like that

Little bit arrogant Well we're going to Call this place Mars Perry We've done so many Of these pods And sometimes you think Are we going to be able to talk about

something that we've not talked about before? And that was all pretty different. Phenomenal. We'll have a little breather. Try not to think about the Scouse circuit and triads. We'll be back after these short messages.

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Hey! Mach, got some questions and shit? Have you got some ready, Carl? I've got some questions, yes. This is a would you rather. Jiggle on your belly. What, er, is this for a reason? Are you getting a bit fat? Just felt it. Fat sad?

Yeah. Yeah? Someone just offered me some pit. You're gonna do a new year, new you. That's half the plan Just I just start that shit Just start it Did I tell you what I did Because I just go crazy And then don't start it If I'm like

I will start Monday And then I have a Fucked up weekend Don't start it properly And then I'm further Behind the eight ball Yeah

That's quite common Isn't it To go right I'm starting Monday So I'll have my last Bevy On Saturday And then you my last bevy on Saturday. And then you have your bevy Saturday. You're hungover Sunday, so you have horrible food,

and then you don't feel good the next day, so you're fucked. A couple of weeks ago, I spent money I don't have to turn my spare room into a gym, and I have not opened a single item of gym equipment. There's just loads of heavy shit under my window i can't fucking even lift it to open it can't yeah it's it's embarrassing so if anyone wants to buy the equipment to turn their spare room into a gym just uh contact me no you're not already selling no you're not you can do it we'll go with the gym when they open again yeah i'm

never gonna set it up i got a message on insta art dan has a podcast um from a guy who's a personal trainer i don't really know if he'd want me to say his name but uh he's like you've mentioned losing weight i love the pod you've helped me through a fucking rough year if you're serious about it i could give you some help and my instant everything was like i'm fine i'm fine just done that. I'm good. I'm not fine. So you're fucking like, you know, maybe I need to buy that shit off you. Yeah. And I'll give you only a 20% markup. Oh, it's great.

Signed? Yeah. Yeah, I'd really like a signed fucking dumbbell. Is it all the stuff? Or what is it? Is it the boxing stuff? No, I've got a bench. I've got the bar. I've got the things to go on the bars.

I've got some dumbbells. Got any lube? Yeah. Hot pants? Yeah. Who helps out? I've got... Come and spark me, Jeremy.

A squat rack. Yeah. Yeah. I've got everything. Set it up, man. I've got a bike. Sounds good. I do want to set it up, but I also sounds good yeah I do want to set it up

but I also can't be asked we'll set it up next week we won't though no we won't we'll play FIFA yeah question yes question

tell me what you think about me would you rather would you rather hi lids din dan the bin man here made his own nickname loving the podcast started late

a late bloomer so I'm still in March in lockdown 1.0. Fucking weird when people do that. Well, get in touch because they're listening to March. Well, you get emails going, oh, the funniest story from when you're like, mate, that's literally April we were doing that. And it's great that you've written the email in, but we're not going to be like guys had a great story in I don't know if you've listened to episode 28

no we will sometimes after stories are good don't ever think you can't send something in yeah but if we ask a question five, eight months ago we might not get the answer anymore hopefully I'll catch up by the end of November

would you rather have £50,000 in £50 notes yeah or 1 million pounds in one pence pieces 1 million 1 million pounds and you can only spend the money in the form you are giving it no banking no changing etc keep up the good work so you get £50,000 in a briefcase I imagine £50,000 in 50s is probably probably not as much

as you think well it's a thousand notes isn't it yeah is it am I being thick no that's right yeah yeah

well done you get a thousand notes in it thank you Adam and then you've got you've got 500 no hang on 50p

is it 50p it's 50,000 times 100, isn't it? So it's 5 million. What? What? Is that right? No. You get a million pounds in 50p's?

Yes, you've got 50,000... Oh, no, sorry. Yeah, that's totally ridiculous. 50 pence is... You've got a million in one pence pieces. In one pence? Yeah. So that's 100 million pennies?

Yeah. Look, the answer is... Where are you keeping that shit? The answer is, even if you expand your imagination and you've got this room that you can store them pennies in, what can you actually buy? Where, like, most stuff is online now. Tenders can actually refuse more than £2 in coppers.

Yeah. So, unless you're one of them dads who's got a fine for taking the kid out of school oh that is the least original fucking online content

we took the kid to fucking Marbella and then we got a fine for taking him out of school so I went and paid the fine in two pence pieces

you're a bellend I quite like that I think it's bellendry of the highest order if you're the bellend I quite like that I think it's bellendry of the highest order if you're the first person to do it absolutely brilliant

when you're like oh I've seen it before it's just unoriginal and annoying fucking grandad page nah it's fucking hell

well they can refuse it as well yeah so I'm taking the 50 grand mate what's the most you can spend with pennies

at what point a tenner innit yeah like imagine if you were on the till at the most you can spend with pennies? At what point? A tenner. In it. Yeah. Like, imagine if you were on the till at fucking Tesco and someone did

their big shop 140 quid and you had to count the pennies into your till which has got about this much fucking space for coppers.

It's a thousand. We didn't even take coppers in hot water. That's how fucking little they fucking use now. Yeah. Do we even in the till? Yeah, I'm taking the 50 grand me

and I'm putting it on an horse at 20 to one. Right. And then you've got your million. You only need 19 to one, actually. Yeah, that's how betting works. Yep. What you've done there

is you took 50 grand and you've got no grand. No. No, no, because it makes sense, doesn't it? He's done the math. There is literally no problem with that plan

take your briefcase stick it down at fucking Ladbrokes what you're best doing there is going to Ladbrokes with the pennies because fuck them no

because they won't take it you're not even allowed to go to one of them noncy coin machines I love those guys can you get a tip on a good horse you know

what was the odds on the last grand national winner I bet it was about 20 to 1 yeah good horse you know what was the odds on the last Grand National winner I bet it was about 20 to 1 yeah good it's a safe bet the Grand National

that's well known people who are into horses know that the Grand National is the one you bet on because it's all about form do you ever

how much is the most you've ever bet in one I by the way I'm a absolute fucking grandad for betting I'm like can't be doing with it.

Oh, really? Oh, I can waste money like a trooper. I can't justify the loss. No, I like putting a little accumulator on a weekend. A fucking hacker. Yeah. And I reckon when I've been a bit silly with the lads, if Liverpool are playing someone,

and I think the most I've ever put on a bet was like, it was like one to two. So you have to put 100 quid on to win 50. And I think I put 100 quid on and I won. It was like Liverpool to have the most corners in a game or something. What a weird thing to bet on. But it was against like fucking Burnley. Right.

It seemed like they're going to sit back all game. We're just going to be lobbing balls in the box. You're going to get corners. They're almost certainly not going to get back all game we're just going to be lobbing balls in the box you're going to get corners they're almost certainly not going to get many because it's all counter attacks we do the odd bet don't we if I come to yours to watch the footy like I go to hers to watch the footy

two or three times a week we'll throw a fiver on yeah because it's a bit it's a bit of fun isn't it I don't bet to win I bet for fun so I'll put 12 teams on an accumulator and a fiver'll get you back 300

grand all right so we've got a facebook group for comics that like the nfl me and rob i've lost two bets to rob thomas and you put like a nando's on it yeah and then it's fun because i've had to take rob thomas for nando's which is well you know don't take nando's though you can't take up with a fucking no but i mean that type of betting i like a bit of't take it off with a fucking... No, but I mean, that type of betting, I like a bit of that. Because it's also about, we were betting on, I think it was literally like, who's going to... We were betting on one NFL team, and I was like, they're not going to end up better than, like, whatever, 8-8.

And Rob Thomas said they were, and I lost. And at the end of it, you get to take a mate for tea. That's fine. Or Rob Thomas. Yeah. A couple of weeks ago in the NFL, it went a little bit viral, this. The Green Bay Packers, who are a good team,

are playing the Jacksonville Jaguars, who are having a shit season. And someone put on a £100,000 bet that the Packers would win. And if they won, he'd get seven grand winnings. So put £100,000 on to win £107,000, which is a mental amount of risk for profit but it was such a slam dunk in the odds and it was a one score game it was tight right till the end and that's why it became a story because if if the Packers had been blowing out the jags right from the off it'd be like the guy's sensible. But it was literally like 24 all in the fourth quarter,

as tight as that. And like, Sky were like, did you know that someone's shitting themselves in Green Bay with Conor McGregor? I remember when, you know, when McGregor fought Mayweather, and they had like an exhibition boxing match,

Conor McGregor. Yeah, it's one of their, it was, it was an exhibition, wasn't it? But it's like, isn't it the biggest,

it's the second highest, it's the's like isn't it the biggest box office ever it's the second highest grossing boxing match after Floyd Mayweather Manny Pacquiao of all time oh yeah and they finally got that on too late

we watched that in Edinburgh because it was Jordan the Fringe at Daniel Sloss' house and he had 50 of us around all wrapped around the telly oh my god

and I won't say who the comic was in case he doesn't want to go out there we've mentioned it before yeah we've said this. But someone put a lot of money on Mayweather to win.

Like a lot of money. A lot of money is relative to what you own or what you have in your account, isn't it? But this comic's got money in his account. Okay. And he was sweating like a paedophile near an A3. He was fucking shitting himself.

He was... because at the start of that fight like when you look back on the fight now everyone's like Floyd Mayweather arguably the greatest boxer to ever play

against McGregor who is just a stand-up MMA fighter it's like of course Mayweather won but when he got in he looked big didn't he well no it wasn't bad

McGregor looked big I think Mayweather sort of for a laugh let McGregor looked big I think Mayweather sort of for a laugh let McGregor win the first two rounds because he he just was like

he was smiling but McGregor McGregor won the first round and arguably the second because he was just throwing digs he was he was scrapping

like an Irish MMA fighter does and Mayweather was like I'll be fine you're not going to and he's got a hell of a punch on him hasn't he and I can move out the way and then as the fight went on Mayweather was like I'll be fine you're not going to and he's got a hell of a punch on him hasn't he and I can move out the way and then as the fight went on

Mayweather was just picking him off and in the end he won but for those first two rounds the comic in question was like holy fucking shit I've put too much money

on this fight and it's an absence can you say how much I don't know how much it was but it I think it was might have been 50 G's you know

I don't think it was that much there's definitely a 5 in it and I don't think it was that much. There's definitely a five in it, and five seems too little. It was a lot of money. 15 would be. Maybe 15, yeah. But it was large. You see, there are some conversations you have to have, like, you know, when you've got a podcast

and you tell your partner that you're renting a studio in Runcorn and then you have to lie about how much money it costs to renovate said studio. There's certain things you do as then you have to lie about how much money it costs to renovate said studio. There's certain things you do as a partner have to speak about. My account's my account. But in theory, it's our money. Like, we don't do shared accounts.

It's just like, what are we doing? She works, I work. If we need stuff, I'm not like, spend your own fucking money. But I don't want someone... I just think it's an argument waiting to happen, access to my bank account however there are conversations where you've got to be like i'm doing this i'm just saying yeah if you lost 15 g's 15 grand because you've been to daniel sloss's house and got fucked up watching an exhibition boxing match i I think that would cause quite a few issues

in the following weeks. It might do, it might know what you're missing. Yeah. You're only like, university's bullshit. Shouldn't need to go. Yeah, I can't do it. To answer the would you rather, I'm doing 50 grand in 50s

because you just can't spend the pennies. Yeah. It's not always easy spending 50s though, is it? It's easier than spending pennies. Yeah. It's not always easy spending 50s, though, is it? It's easier than spending pennies. Yeah. I love the face people pull when you try and pick, like, you know when you turn up with a 50-pound note, and they're like, ah.

Like, if you go with a 50-pound note to the wrong shop, it literally shuts down. If you go with a fiver to the bus, it's like you've handed them a fucking box of Arsenal. Mate, KFC refused money the other day. I went, I'm sorry, I've had a tenner. I did have my card, but I knew it was like in my phone and my phone was down there.

I was just like, I'm going to be lazy. I was like, a tenner? They were like, all right. Disease paper? Be gone, man from the past. But what about coronavirus? I'm in a KFC with fucking 17 other bellends

that's a conspiracy that isn't it what that they invented coronavirus to make banking less paper and more

online but it was already that no I mean but like like speed like quicken up the process yeah it's like money

doesn't really exist do you know who I feel bad for the 2p machine owners in Blackpool yeah it's fucking them, isn't it? They're finished now.

They've lost eight quid so far. It's a fucking nightmare. I love the 2P machines where you're like, I've got this. Four quid later, like, no one touched that one. You're dying to just blast it. The only conspiracy theory I buy into

about coronavirus is that there's a network of paedophiles who are about to be exposed and it might be them. Okay, next time on the Have a Word podcast. Do you know what I mean? It's just like...

To take the limelight. What? To take the limelight away, you mean? Just because, yeah, like, you know, you had Jeffrey Epstein, who, let's be honest, definitely didn't kill himself.

Ghislaine Maxwell, she's been arrested. She's got fucking coronavirus now or she's isolated. She'll be dead soon. Quite fit. Everyone's like, not talking about be dead soon quite fit everyone's like

not talking about her Prince Andrew everyone's forgot about him Philip Schofield as well he had some kind of and that's why we are in a world worldwide recession

yeah with millions because that's how powerful they are and I guarantee you they've got Richard as a result of it it's the rich and powerful people innit

yeah yeah it's like there's a network of nonces oh 100% but there is though it's the pedo illuminati it is though yeah totally yeah yeah it yeah yeah it's like there's a network of nonces oh 100% but there is though it's the pedo illuminati it is though

yeah totally yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but there is do you not think that there's genuinely like a pedophile ring like that

fucking what was it the pedophile express like Epstein's plane he'd fly them around and all shit

he flew them to an island and there was just like kids in boxes he had a sex cult he had a sex cult yeah

they don't start worldwide pandemics those guys how do you know of course he had a sex cult yeah they don't start worldwide pandemics those guys how do you know of course I don't know exactly but you don't know either I'm not saying I know

and you sound like a fucking non I'm not I'm not saying that I know it's a fucking worldwide pedo illuminati who've got access to fucking Chinese fucking viruses

no I mean it'd be easy to get it Bill Clinton's deaf I was and he's deaf I wasn't yeah I hate fucking conspiracy talk I love, and he's deaf, I wasn't.

Yeah. I hate fucking conspiracy talk. I love that you hate it, you know. I honestly, it makes my eyes water. But, like, I'm not saying it's happening. I'm saying it's definitely realistic and possible. Imagine if you've got a whole network of 2P machines and it's the pedo Illuminati that have fucking ruined your business. There's some poor cunt in Pachelli, North Wales.

Do you not think it's a bit of a coincidence that as it looked like all that was coming out, that this all went off? I'm not saying I believe it. I'm saying, you know, I'm open-minded. Jeffrey Epstein has single-handedly fucked Landudno. What's the question? I've got another, would you rather?

50 quid's are a bit of a dickhead thing to spend aren't they yeah remember like I had an uncle who used to used to gave us a 50 quid once

and you're like alright dickhead you're not the stripper I fucking love having a 50 quid in my wallet though I feel like I'm a millionaire yeah but apart from

when it's too big for your wallet and then it goes frayed at one side because you've got a fucking poor person wallet that only goes up to the 20 side

and then your big 50's flapping out the side it's been in there too long because you can't spend it poor person wallet that only goes up to the 20 side and the big 50s flapping out the side it's been in there too long because you can't spend it at Greg's this is why you shouldn't have wallets you should have a

little card carrier like I've got where do you put your 50 pound note then just keep it on its own sounds good I'd rather have a 50 pound note than

three 20s because I feel like I've got more money pedo illuminati would you rather age from the neck up or the neck down only i think what what so you either get wrinkly from from this point on yeah yeah let's say now exactly where you are now yeah Yeah. Your head keeps aging. Yeah.

And your body stays a fucking pudgy little 39-year-old. But for the purposes of this. That needs the help of a PT. You're single. Because you've got to consider like attracting a mate. But I'm not single, Adam. I'm in love with my soulmate who's beautiful and glowing. Yeah.

In this crazy universe. Yeah. In this crazy universe. You've got the body you want as well. You can go to the gym and smash it, and it stays like that. No, that's not the question. No, it's my body, isn't it? Yeah, your body, but there's an age.

No, but I could work out in it. It could achieve all the things that my... I mean, there's a glass ceiling. Yeah. Yeah. It's a concrete ceiling. Or you stay with a youthful head Yeah I think that would look fucking weird

If you had wrinkly bollocks But you looked like a Kendall up top But not many people see your wrinkly bollocks do they? No but the ones who do Get you in our boat The ones who do Like if you could If you could have like a wrinkly face

And you get old Just normally Because you're not It's not like you age overnight. You're still going to age naturally in your face. And then you get to, like, 70, and for some reason you manage to pull a girl because she falls in love with you,

and you get her in bed and you fucking whip your body out and you've still got a fucking 30-year-old's pipe. She'd be made up. Yeah, she would. Do you know, because of clothes, the first one where your head ages normally and your body stays the same is an absolute touch. Because that happens anyway.

That happens normally, doesn't it? You get older. But all the old people you know can't fucking walk. They've got bladder issues. You know? Like, that's my big fear. I want to get to 80. If I go somewhere between 80 and 85,

I've had a great result. Because 85 to 90, it gets a bit rickety, doesn't it? Just having watched my grandparents. 95, literally my granddad at 95, fucking hell. I have to let the phone ring and ring and ring and ring and ring and then he's like hello and he's he's walked three yards and it's a fucking it's not even on a wire he just

leaves it in one place because he doesn't understand how fucking wireless phones work to be fair though that's not a bad tactic the amount of times i lose my phone and my car keys. I'm definitely on my way to being him. You'd go 40, wouldn't you? Happily. Not 40, like 65. Would you take 65 right now? No, because I don't, I've got too much fear of missing out, so I don't want to ever die, but

I'd like to skip from 65 to 95. Mental reason not to want to die. Grandad Ro, what will you miss the most the fucking results on Saturday yeah

isn't that mad though that it carries on when you're dead I'd like to skip from 65 to 95 that's mad though isn't it the world cup happens

when you're dead it's still happening yeah but if you get a little bit spiritual then you can still watch it and you can watch it from the sky you get a fucking dead people if you get a little bit spiritual then you can still watch it and you can

watch it from the sky you get a fucking posture if there is a heaven which there's

not they still give a shit about the world cup I would not the world cup

but the premier league yeah yeah 100% but like the idea of when to go

I reckon being like 65 66 you're still all right starting to get a bit achy though you know you're not i've done stand-up about this you get you gotta go in and out to hospital for scans i'd be gutted to go at 65 some 66 year olds are in great nick yeah but me and you aren't gonna be that's true um i reckon being like 78 looks horrendous because you've still got all your marbles you can see your grandkids eyeing your house up for when you're dead.

And you've got to keep, you get resentful of them. If you're 95 and the dementia's kicked in, you're fucking sweet. I've got to agree with you on this one because I've sharted after a can of sugar-free Red Bull. Yeah. And that's in your late 30s. Yeah.

So what's going to be happening? I wake up for a wee now. I'm 28. Do you know what I mean? Oh, God. Do you in the middle of the night? Like, once a month, yeah. Earlier.

Just has one piss a month. Of course. It's Adam. He's still upstairs. Two-hour piss, first of every month. The direct debit goes out, and he fills the bowl. Got any more? Yeah, if you want to do one more this has been one of my favorite starts to a podcast for ages let's do one more would you

rather um would you rather give up your love life or your work life oh what are you trying to do to me, Carl? Oh my God It's a public episode That means he'd get rid of his love life I know you can't say it But I can say it for you Laura, pack your bags, girl You can still keep Etta You'll have to get rid of Laura

It's unthinkable I mean, i don't know i don't know if laura what would want me if i had to give up comedy and podcasting yeah i don't think she would want the annoyed fucked off like we've just had a another break from what we love doing. And this has been an absolute godsend, hasn't it? Without this, you know, how would your head be? Mine would be fully in a shed. We've been in here four days this week. Because, like, just to contextualise this for people watching,

as you'll know by the time you've got to this point in the pod, today's episode is with Johnny Bongo, which we recorded the Johnny Bongo bit two days ago. Yesterday we recorded an episode with Tom Lucy. And today, after we recorded the Johnny Bongo bit two days ago. Yesterday, we recorded an episode with Tom Lucy. And today, after we've recorded this bit, we're recording a bit

with Rob Mulholland to go out next week. And we've also obviously recorded a Patreon episode this week. We've been in here four days, which is pretty close to the six we were doing

during the first lockdown. But we haven't felt fatigued this week. It's felt like fun because every episode's been a bit different. This has been, literally,

it's not getting like, oh God, I can can't be bothered this has been one of the most fun bits of the whole week it's a reason to get up imagine not having this i honestly lockdown i honestly think i would be on the brink of being locked in a mental health institution if i didn't have this because it's been a reason to get up like in the morning when you get up and you're like oh fuck can't be arsed back to sleep for an hour I do that all the time when I've got nothing to do but when I've got this I get up and I'm like oh fuck I should go back to bed for an hour and then

five minutes later I'm like fucking pod day got my music on I'm in the shower I've brushed my teeth I'm minty fresh I've got a bit of lemon on me fucking underarms not smelling like pits anymore put a bit of aftershave on pick Carl up got a bit of jshave on, pick Carl up, got a bit of Jerry Cinnamon on in the car. Oh, it could be a...

That's what it's like to love your job, isn't it? Yeah. Fucking sick. And if you're listening to this going, I fucking hate my job, I just... We empathise with you.

Just keep trying to get to somewhere where you like your job. And it might be a job that someone else would fucking hate but talking to people who buzz off what they do the similarities between my life adam's life and their life all right it's a different thing they're doing but when you buzz off what you do doesn't half make life easier and i know it's not as easy as just fucking off your

job that you don't like you've got a graft We had to work unpaid for God knows how long. But, yeah, I don't know if giving up a love life to then do this would be grim, but I honestly don't think Laura wants to deal with me fucked off. See, I think either one of these is devastating because even as a recently single man, at some point... You've just got to become asexual.

At some point, just to be slightly serious, at some point I'm going to want to be in a serious relationship. I've got ideals on having a family one day and a house with pets and all that sort of shit. I like that idea. I really do. But, but, and I really do. But, but, and I really do want that. However,

there's a reason this is a would you rather because they're both fucking awful. I feel like as long as I had me mates around me enough, I would survive easier with keeping me work life than I would with keeping me love life. Because I think

having, it, it's yeah I don't think I can give up work I really don't I can't give up my beautiful pregnant wife

when we found out yesterday end of pod that Liverpool are going into tier 2 and hot water went

we're opening on Friday and Saturday and December I could have cried with happiness that I'm going to get to do

3 gigs a weekend for the entirety of December and I'm going to get to do three gigs a weekend for the entirety of December and I'm going to cherish every single fucking one of them because we all know far too fucking well that on the 1st of January, the country's going into national lockdown until these vaccines start getting fucking shoved up our ass. I think everyone's like,

January's going to be shit. What about February? Are the government helping you financially? Yeah? Well, it's not looking good then fuck knuckle yeah oh we'll deal with that let's deal with that when we get there but i i'd like to keep both that's okay yeah it's all right carl just no you're both picking work and that's fine no i think you misunderstood me no no no no we're both picking work sorry laura pack your bags leave the baby

push it out if you can he'll look after both of them I'll upraise them they'll join mine and Carl's we'll join mine and Carl's footy team it's gonna be sound

don't worry about it let's have a word from our sponsor and come back with Johnny Bongo which we've already recorded and we can tell you it's fucking amazing

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i'm telling you right now their balls will thank you also as a listener of have a word you get 20 off and free worldwide shipping with our exclusive promo code word that's w-o-r-d you can go to manscape.com now use the promo code word and get yourself some of the best male grooming products on the planet. Nice one. Welcome back. Back? Yeah. Is that what we're doing?

Whenever we record an episode like this, we were recording a bit with the guest in advance of the first half. I always, for some reason, get clunky about that first. Yeah, but we've done like a year or so. It's like, welcome back from the last time you watched it or listened to it. People also, there's definitely people I've noticed

when we have a guest in, my heart esteemed guest today. There's definitely people who jump to the guest bit and just fuck us off. Yeah, it's a YouTube comment like, one minute, five seconds,

thank me later. You're like, oh, fuck that. Welcome, Johnny. How's it going? Thanks for coming in. Thanks for having me in. Thanks for the delicious Cherry Coke me later You're like, oh fuck that Welcome Johnny How's it going? Thanks for coming in

Thanks for having me in Thanks for the delicious Cherry Coke Zero You're very welcome, is it alright? You've never tried this before? Never tried it, good You on to the Fanta Lemon? Fanta Lemon, back from Tenerife On that, Fanta Orange is different as well

What's Tenerife like at the minute? Because me and Carl are thinking If Liverpool goes into Tier 2 Yep It means that there might not be many gigs for me and I can't be arsed staring at the same four walls anymore so I might fuck off somewhere

I reckon you'd get gigs in Tenerife Do you want me to get some gigs going? Do you have to do lowbrow comedy? Oh no, there's no point in that Where can he take his highbrow political satire? That's the question It's all right. I went to a family resort for the first two weeks.

And I was like, I've got to get out of here. We're going to stay another week. And went to Costa. Costa Decca, maybe? Costa something. It was rough. Yes. That's what we wanted.

Two weeks of family. Two weeks of family. You know, nice. Yeah. All inclusive. Many discos. By the pool. And then this bar, Sky know, nice. Yeah, all inclusive. Many discos. By the pool. And then this bar, Sky Bar, did seven nights on a row there.

Different entertainment every night. Someone from Britain's Got Talent was on it. Oh, that's it then, isn't it? Like a drag act, but when I, like, research, you know, it's like, from Britain's Got Talent. It took me ages to find it. They were on it for maybe about seven seconds. Oh, yeah.

They were just flashed up on Britain's Got Talent. Still got the fucking credit. But you can put it on the poster. They were in the background of someone else's audition yeah they're interviewing someone talking about the dead man and they come walk around in the background like mate i did uh i did tv about eight years ago nine years ago and it was the john bishop's only joking show and my agent put on posters without me knowing star of john bishop's only joking i was like mate they've been printed i was like i'm not the star of john bishop's only joking i was like mate they've been printed i was like i'm not the star of john bishop's only fucking joke how long were you on bishops literally 30 seconds split

into two clips about four weeks apart might have brought some people in though yeah once you see that sticker as seen on tv if you've got a credit fucking wh whore it out. Some TV credits you don't even want to put on it because they're shit shows, aren't they? And you see people like, I'm not going to watch this country if he's been on that. I'm at the point where anything goes on. It's nice to have like a fourth option to knock one of the three out.

But yeah, not John Bishop. Fucking ridiculous. So Tenerife would be, because everyone... It's a travel corridor, isn't it? Is it? It's a new term. Right, yeah. Just all these new terms. Bubble. It's bubble. Tenerife would be because everyone it's a travel corridor isn't it is it it's a new term right just all these new terms

bubble it's bubble Tenerife's in our bubble you can go as long as it's a travel corridor every country I've ever met seems to be in Dubai at the minute

yeah so that was my first thought my mate Libby lives out there shout out Libby in case she's watching and I was like Lib what's it like and she literally sent me

a video of her in a bar and it's just chocker. Everyone's sound, but you've got to wear a mask when you go to the toilet and stuff. I said to Carl, like, should we just... If we're not... If there's nothing to do... There's only so many PlayStation pads

I can smash up playing FIFA, do you know what I mean? Yeah. So, if it was you... Well, we're trying to get shows out there. We're trying to get some bingo shows out in Dubai, because everywhere else, we can't do them. That would decide it for me. We should contextualise that, actually,

because a lot of our fans are fans purely of comedy and they might not know who Johnny Bongo is at this stage. So you invented Bongo's bingo. Yeah, I was a wee bit nervous coming in because everybody's all comedians. I'm not a comedian, really. Some of the best episodes have been the non-comedian ones, to be honest. Oh, great in Because everybody's all comedians I'm not a comedian really Yeah Some of the best episodes Have been the non-comedian ones

To be honest Oh great Because when we have comedians in We just talk about comedy For the whole time And you can feel our listeners Sometimes being like Talk about something else lads

We get comments going When are you getting a non-comedian in And I've wanted to get you in for ages Yeah I'm sorry Do you know I've I've seen on TV as well Oh yeah

Yeah I've got that No one knows I know What did you do don't tell the bride don't tell the bride fuck off oh my god

don't know why I've just threw that in right this time because we're doing TV credits mate I think that's how it is you've been on TV

longer than Dan yeah my current wife will be fuming like oh really yeah second marriage I'm in now

oh so the don't tell the bride one didn't last no it didn't last Jesus Christ My current wife will be fuming like. Oh, really? Yeah. Second marriage I'm in now. Oh, so the Don't Tell the Bride one didn't last? No, it didn't last. Jesus Christ. Please tell, we've got to hear the story because you watch it and it's basically just like, aren't lads fucking morons on TV? It was a bit of that, but it was early. Don't Tell the Bride.

Right. I mean, like the golden age. If that's even a thing. They were letting you genuinely make decisions rather than like, she loves trampolines. Yeah. Do the reception on a trampoline. Yeah, it cuts to her going, I just hate trampolines.

I've just never been on a trampoline. Like, Nana's been sick three times. Are you happy, Brian? I'd love to see the statistics, right, of how many don't tell the bride managers actually went the distance. Yeah. Because it can't be a lot.

The amount of fucking mismatches. I felt like they only recorded with people who weren't meant to be together because it would literally, like, my favourite one was, she was like, he's obsessed with aliens

and, you know, I've never been into it. He's a bit of a conspiracy nut but I accept that about him. I just don't want that anywhere near me wedding. And then it cut to him looking around aircraft

and he's like, we'll get Klingons on the wall we'll put a Dalek up there it'll be fucking great she'll love it what did you think was going to happen love

this bell ends got 15 grand budget how much budget did you get 12 grand I think it was 12 12

and uh do you know what I did alright the only thing I messed up was um I did a hog roast and she's Turkish and all her family

are Muslim but I didn't know thanks for having me and I'm going now oh my god so I didn't know I didn't

like I was only like 20, 21 did that not come off while you were dating no because she would eat pork is that why you

texted me today and said do you eat bacon because Johnny texted me today and said do you eat bacon because Johnny texted me today before he came in and said do you eat bacon lad and I was like it's a bit of a fucking weird question what cunt doesn't eat bacon and I was like yeah as often as I can and you've turned up with

we've got to show people this two, one for me and one for Dan is this leftover from the wedding have you just got this out of the freezer so this is these bacon ribs one for Dan is this leftover from the wedding have you just got this out of the freezer frozen hard roast so this is these bacon ribs listen I just

have two things I'm into at the moment is baby Yoda merchandise and this butcher from Ireland yeah called meet Peter

you need to check him out like I'm a big fan girl of him and I'm like messaging him all the time he doesn't really message me back

it's a bit awkward but it's buried in a pit of sugar but it's buried in a pit of sugar. So it's dry cured first. Dry cured first and then all the moisture comes out when it's dry cured and then they bury it in sugar and the moisture is replaced

with sugar. It's sweet. It's the best gear you'll ever have. I feel a wedding coming up. Honestly it's unbelievable. That's our tea later. Yeah, there's enough to go around. Our tea? Yeah.

We're not married yet, lad. This is fucking mine. You can have some spuds. You know, people want to do little plugs of things and everything and obviously give their mates and whatever. If you turn up with 1.8 kilograms of meat as a guest, I'll literally talk about anything for you. That is fucking decent.

You've set the standard for guests now. It's not even like, I've got nothing to do with the guy. I'm just like, fucking into his gear like. Oh, I thought you were like,

I thought you had a like a. No, it's not like, this is my mate who's an Irish butcher and I'd love you to like take this and maybe give him a mention. Like,

I just love the stuff so much. And I just want. It's like he was sponsored by a butcher in Ireland. I thought he was his mate. He was like, go on the thing, give him a bit of so much. Did you think he was sponsored by a butcher in Ireland? I thought he was his mate. He was like, go on the thing, give him a bit of meat. See, when you go on that there, you mention my bacon.

No, it's not like that. I, like, just love that stuff. I want to re-tweet, I want to re-meet. He won't even follow me on Instagram, the guy. He won't follow you? No, I'm tagging him in. I'm saying, look, I've got this. I'm going to restaurants where they do, like,

Himalayan salt-aged beef. I'm just so them in. I'm saying, look, I've got this. I'm going to restaurants where they do this, like Himalayan salt-aged beef. I'm just so passionate about it. But I know that, like, it's like if someone's, like, with the bingo, if they're, like, so passionate and messaging all the time, it's almost a wee bit like you get a wee bit of standoffish. Whereas he's probably looking at me going, like, what the fuck's this guy up like? Because you're a grown man stalking a butcher.

Exactly. It is a little bit of a weird spot isn't it, it's not like he's an Instagram influencer and he's getting, like an only fan says like there's got to be a line, this guy's a butcher in Ireland and you're like mate I just want to be closer to you through your meat, yeah I don't think there's many butcher

stands you see but you'll get it once you try it yeah, I think you'll understand why I can't believe you thought he had a fucking brand deal and that's why you come in if i did i wouldn't like be like sit down this is the brief i want to advertise maybe we have to slip it in at the end like oh by the way there's some meat there from uh meet peter in moira in ireland i just thought i just it just made sense apparently i just i've never been gifted anything properly the last 25 guests whereabouts is he based?

he's based in Moira Moira because we have quite Ireland it's in Northern Ireland yeah so he's like the most

the only time I think I've actually got close to speaking to him was when I did a big order my man and I right at the start of lockdown they came over and I

like he wasn't doing online shopping yeah so I asked him to fill up like two freezer bags of go to his butchers and get all the stuff and bring it over i think i spoke to him on the phone what year did this transaction happen like hey can you come over i want a fucking van of meat that's what it was like and then i phoned him and i had to give like my card details over the phone and then at the end you know like can I have your expiry

and then he asked for the three buys on the back. I love that. I love the three buys. And give us the three buys on the back for the security code. Excellent. He probably wouldn't have spoke to me if he knew it was like me that he was talking to. I'm not that fucking guy from Instagram.

So he probably wouldn't have driven to your house. How did he get it delivered? Did DPD? My man, Dad, brought it over on the ferry. Right. You were smuggling bacon across the Irish Sea? They brought it over and, yeah. Shitting it about the backstop, Mum, Dad.

You need to get it in. You need to get the shit in. But now he's doing delivery to the UK. Customs are letting fucking women through with fucking cocaine up their arse and they're like share a chair

fucking batty see if she's got any bacon sausages good meat chat good meat chat great meat chat guys take it off

ten minutes into a pod I reckon that's the most we've talked about meat I loved it it's fantastic we are getting to the point where some things are getting brought up

again and again and we're like oh we kind of covered that we like i've caught us both saying it in the last month two months going we've mentioned it before none of that like don't tell the bride into a fucking meat advert that's really original we've not even talked about bongo's bingo we're like yeah never mind that what about meat i'd fucking love to to have seen your ex-wife's uncle turning up from fucking Turkey. Fuming. He's waited all day.

Because no one likes being at a wedding, do they? They're just waiting for the food and then they bring out a fucking pig on a stick. Like, here you go, fella. All my family were absolutely made up as well. Because there was more. My uncle's not going up again, there, so I am. Maybe it's... I can't imagine loads of Muslim uncles

are dead happy about trekking over to Northern Ireland for a wedding either. On telly. And I think it fits how they want it to happen for their daughter. Yeah. Or niece. Poor Mohammed's just like, I'm going to see me niece get married.

And he ends up on BBC3 stood next to a dead pig while everyone's having fucking sambuca this is not going to play well what else did you do everything else you played

it down the line I think it was alright yeah I just went a bit off the wall it was a big outdoor wedding it was good it wasn't like I think most people watched it

probably thought like that wasn't too bad yeah just don't look like a fucking idiot is the game innit yeah because it's hard I did look like an idiot it wasn't like i think most people watched it probably thought like that wasn't too bad yeah just don't look like a fucking idiot is the game in it yeah because it's hard they look like an idiot like i think just in general yeah that's sort of the fun of it isn't it it's like did she cry at any point yeah yeah oh fuck yeah the happiness or no they took her into the flat so where we were staying because it was all like dead strict and you had the proper sign you know these like waivers that you won't speak and if you do you're like liable for

production costs and things like that so the the guys that were like directing it um they promised when she was over and because we're living in london at the time yeah and she had went over the island she was coming back for a dress fitting and because I was like 21 not allowed to speak to your missus for three weeks it was just like a fucking free for all the flat was just like a party house and fuck fast bottles and I said you've just got to promise you won't bring her back

and they swore down that they wouldn't and then on the wedding day she told me I was in the flat I looked like a dickhead on that when she goes into the flat and she told me like I was in the flat and it was like that I looked like a dickhead on that like when she goes into the flat and she's crying and stuff

oh TV people are fuckers aren't they because it wasn't in the contract no of course of course of course we'd never do that get her in

get her in they're evil like that what's the one thing you don't want to happen we'll make sure that absolutely doesn't happen Muslim you say I know a butcher in Moira

yeah you can't really take them to court for that can you Was it in the contract Nobody fucking swore down on his man's life He said he wouldn't take it in The fuckers for that Can we just explain to our Avid listeners For anyone who doesn't know what it is

What is bongos bingo And how the fuck did that idea come around um it just came about because i was doing this pub quiz in liverpool in the shipping forecast yeah and i was doing that and it was a bit like off the wall bonus rounds just fucking loads of mad shit um and when was this johnny when we're talking about maybe 10 years ago. The bingo's been going for five years. So it was like, pub quizzes are a good laugh, but sometimes you can go and it's like fucking eggheads and you don't win anything.

So this was like a pub quiz where it was still a quiz, but it just was like carnage. And it's a cool bar. It's right in the middle of town. It's well known, that boozer in it. So that was like packed on a Monday. And were you just working there, or did you come in to do the quiz?

I think I'd been working in london in bars and restaurants and then came up and was working in the shipping forecast then put the quiz on and then started doing more like dj and radio work so left all the bar work i was like i'll maybe do more events and entertainment stuff and then from the back of that the bingo which is the same sort of concept it's like if you've ever been it's like you do go and play bingo and that's like really important because i don't think it would work if it's just like a themed night so you can go play bingo win mad prizes but win like money as well and then it's all this other sort of like creativity thrown into it like dance offs mad irish and was it was it like a manager going push it push it further or is it

you that was going so we're gonna have dance rounds we're gonna get everyone up on like yeah it was like basically what i was doing at this quiz and then i met my who's now my business partner he was josh he was doing like club nights and on that kind of scene so we we came together to do this like event did it in liver. Started it in the Camp and Furnace. Sorry, that's a bit... Oh, wait. We'll talk about that in a minute. I'm glad that's come up.

I fucking love it. Can we mention the beef? Can we mention the beef? We only mentioned the pork. Didn't get comedians on the show. Told me. So went and did it there. But it was my business partner that really pushed to do it

in other cities and and tour it out and like the demand for it's just nuts people just love it you did it um you did a private one for my work joe for connoff only in work yeah in par street that's i knew i knew your face fucking heavy yeah i knew i knew i knew your face and there was it was only like. Yeah, I knew, I knew, I knew your face. It was only, like, for a couple of hundred people? Yeah, it was three workplaces all under... Dave Rhodes, Conner Foley... For, like, Lucha Libre and all that. Lucha Libre and Miyagi, it fucking went off. I think there was a serious injury at that level.

There was. Dave fell off the table. It's essentially a club night, isn't it? That's got bingo, dance-offs, big games all thrown in. And, like, you're not just winning money. Like, I've seen people win space hoppers, and then they're bouncing around this fucking huge hall on space hoppers, off the fucking air, bladdered.

And it looks like you're living your best life up there while you're running. No, it's class. We're doing it all with our mates, and it started off with just one team doing it and going around. I was doing like five gigs a week around the country on repeat for about a year. Then we started to hire in more hosts and dancers. And I think where we're at now is we've got like 10 different hosts. And we do it all the work we're doing.

Just before Corona, we were doing like 30 shows a week across everywhere. But it's just class it's class Because everyone just like it's nice doing something That people of all ages And all different walks of life just buzz off it And it's not we don't take ourselves Too seriously it's just like a fucking laugh It's not easy that For it to be for everyone

You know like there's loads of things that are Shit hot but they leave part of the family out or part of your friends group out or anything like i've seen the videos that are the kind of videos that if you watch now where you're not allowed to go to booze you're like i want to go drinking so much i'd love to take you to a bongo's bingo night make that when please now we should vlog it oh my god add it to the fucking list well if we go to dubai next week and you're out there we're absolutely going to that that'd be the fucking list. Well, if we go to Dubai next week and you're out there, we're absolutely going to that.

That'd be the fucking best thing. When we first did Dubai, it's just, like we did it maybe three years ago. And it's actually, any time we ever start, because it started in Liverpool, I think it wouldn't be as successful as it is

if it had started in maybe another city. Liverpool is so sort of parochial, that spreads. And also it's like people, if you're on holiday and you heard maybe someone talking about Bongo's Bingo and a Scouser was there, they'd be like, that's fucking from Liverpool. You know what I mean?

Even though I'm from Ireland. You're an adopted Scouser. So when we did Sydney and Dubai and you just said, any Scousers in? You were actually in Dubai last year when I was out there. November last year. And why did you not come to the show? Because I was doing a show.

But our show might have went on later maybe. It didn't. I was closing the show so I wasn't finished until like half eleven or something like that. I think we went on to twelve. If we were acquainted back then Johnny I would have been there. Well I did reach out to you on Instagram. Did you?

Mate, stop stalking people on Instagram, Johnny. Did you really? No, I didn't. Sent him some lovely chicken. One of our other hosts said that he did speak to you. He did in Edinburgh? Yeah. At the Pleasant's Courtyard, yeah.

Yeah, he said you blanked him. I did. I said I wouldn't bring it up. You cut me off on my own podcast. I'm sorry. I know. He said, if you're going on that, bring that up. And I said, I'm not going to bring it up.

I was in the Pleasant's Courtyard and he come over to me. He was hammered. And he's like, lads. That's what he didn't put in. He's like, lads, you fucking watch all your videos. You and Paul, lads, fucking have it. You want to come on Friday, lads? I'll fucking talk to Johnny, lads.

We'll fucking get you down, lads. And I was like yeah yeah i will and then it just didn't happen yeah see he didn't tell it like that and i mean that's what the problem the truth is knowing uh this host rich furnace he was like well i seen that adam and i went up to him and i said well are you enjoying the fringe come to our show and he here's my business and he walked away i was like you're off your head on gary's problem we're like sweating all over him it was like day two of the festival as well and I was on day two of the Edinburgh festival

because you were there for a few days, weren't you? Is that right? I can't remember. That month of Edinburgh for a comedian, those first few days, you're mentally preparing yourself for a month-long tough mother that you're about to do.

It's heavy going. And the show's not quite ready and you're like tweaking things. You're like thinking as you go And you've got a fucking Publicist in your ear Going on Friday You're doing your show

Then you're doing these three Then you've got an interview With the Scotsman Then you're doing this Fucking TV show That no one's gonna Fucking watch But you need it

Because I need to write it down And tell you that I got you this fucking Yeah And all your family going When are we visiting You're like never Ideally

Never I think now just to atone For this though We're just gonna Even if we just go to Dubai For one night Just go to Dubai for one night, just go to that next week, we're going to have to do it.

It's quite interesting though because a lot of people in our industry and the events industry in general have struggled to cope with coronavirus. So your work is entirely in events. Is it just smuggling meat you've gone into or have you found some other... No, it is. It's like bringing the mood down it's it's fucked us big

time like and everyone in in the events industry and it's just such a tough one because you don't know how to play it like you can like you just have to fucking go with the flow i think that's what i've come to accept like you can't just like be angry all the time and just just have to go with it we got there in the spring we were trying to it starts doing your head in but it was the natural thing in march and april to be like i think we must have done this when we were doing the lockdown lockings the shutdown lockings whatever we were doing daily podcasts we started doing this thing about i think by june maybe july and it was like no november and well i think by september and in the end you just have to become a passenger

and be like we'll be ready when we're fucking allowed there's no point you're messing with your own mental health trying to predict it because you're trying to affect some control you just know that as soon as you can you're going to do your thing again yeah but it's brutal guessing nail in the head like because when when we started that that like when it started we were doing some streaming and it was kind of good and it's like oh well, this will be over by the summer, and then it's dying down, and then the government were sort of saying, oh, you know, there'll be arena shows in October and all, and it's just been tough.

It's been tough for all of our host dancers, like guys in the office, just a killer. But hopefully the brand that we've built will survive through it. Oh, it'll definitely still be there. We know that the style that we've built will survive through it. And we know that, like, the style of the event and, you know, comedy nights and things like that, like, that's what people want more than anything. As soon as, like, the green light goes,

I think the demand for to go out and have a night out, and not just maybe to go to the boozer for sort of, like, live entertainment, something a bit different. 2021, there will be a release of energy. Hopefully. We're banking on, we're doing the same thing again of like, it should be done by Easter. I mean, it should be done by Easter. No, but it really should be now.

Should let the vaccine come in. Stab your nan in the arm with this vaccine. Keep it in a fucking cupboard for two weeks. Give her the rest of it and let us go and have a fucking party. And I think there'll be such a flood of like, not just going to the boozer or fucking Nando's, things like comedy

and things like bongo spring up become like, oh fuck, I want to live, I want to do, like, to make up for what has been a bit of a shitty year

where you've missed out on stuff. Yeah, it's going to be like a fucking spring, isn't it? It's just constantly getting more and more tense and the tenser and tenser it gets,

when it gets released, it's just going to... My mate's starting to plan his 41st birthday because his 40th just got shat on from a great height, turned 40 in November, and he's just gone. There's nothing. I've not got to do anything.

So he's like, we're going big for 41. And he's just moving all the excitement to then. Good on him. So we're all going to be knobheads and try and find 41 balloons, which don't exist. Get a Sharpie pen, we'll be off. You're going to have to get a four and a one, because they definitely exist.

Because quite big birthdays when you're a kid. Two balloons. Fucking clever, lad. Not just a fucking hat racket. Is there a, like, do you get people on stage, don't you? What, from the crowd? Yeah. Yeah.

Has there anyone ever, like, has there ever got a bit fucking eggy? Because I've brought people on stage before don't you? What, from the crowd? Yeah. Yeah. Has there ever got a bit fucking eggy? Because I've brought people on stage before. I made a mistake very early on. This was when Hot Water was in the Crown pub, and I was like three years in maybe, and the headline of that night was a Canadian called Marty McLean. Remember Marty? I do, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I'm on in the middle section, and there was this heckler who just, he thought he should have been on stage. So I went, come on then, come on stage. And Marty, who's a veteran of comedy, shit himself, he was like, this is going to kick off. Because I gave the guy the mic and stood next to him. I was like, go on, you do your bit then,

if you think you're good. Because I was having a decent gig, and he just, he stood all like awkwardly. Oh God. So I was in my mars the other day fucking bitch and it gets fuck all and he's like yes you know when your mars is doing your fucking head and fucking bitch and uh saying this i don't really remember what else he said but i remember he said that and it just didn't work and he's like oh you should all just fucking be knobheads because i was a knobhead to him this This is funny, this. Right? And I was like, can I have the mic back?

He was like, you can have it back when I'm finished. And then it got really fucking eggy because when Marty then rushed the stage and was like, give us the fucking mic, fuck you, he got kicked out, this guy. And afterwards, Marty was like, don't ever, ever get someone on stage, especially if they think they're going to be funny

because it's always alpha males who can't deal with the fact that someone's funnier than them in the room. They get on stage, they realise the fucking shit, and then it kicks off. So you've given them the mic because you know they're not going to be funny, but the end game isn't them going, Sir, I admit you have bested me, and I wish everyone here a lovely evening.

I'll go and put my head in the oven. So has it ever got a bit awkward? Not really. We get people up, but it's more for dance-offs. We do a raffle after every game. There's a lucky ticket. If you come up, that's when you win for big money. And it's like a who wants to be a millionaire question question or whatever um and like people have pissed themselves on stage like literally a couple

of times like winning like a couple of grand i think i only had one like like as as someone comes up and i'll like quickly give do like a wee like interview with them briefly like so where you from like warrenton or something and then as it's a shit gag but i just i just like it um and as they as they're leaving if they've got the question wrong i like you know beckon them back going listen saturday night we're all having a good time you know as if i'm going to give them another go and then i just say fuck off back to warrington and then everyone cheers and they sort of play the Curb Your Enthusiasm music and then they walk off. One guy once went to bottle me, but that was about it, really.

Oh, so when I said, does it ever get eggy? And you said no. Just the once, I nearly got bottled. But we've got this big security guy called Dangerous Dave, who is an absolute unit, and he just dived in. Did he pick his own nickname? I don't even think he's called Dave. Fucking brilliant.

He's class though, big boy. He's become part of the show, almost like Steve or whatever you call it from Jerry Springer. Yeah, he's just Dave. He just comes in, does little bits. He's like Graham from Jeremy Kyle. Like Graham, but like a unit. Graham was fucking massive.

No, there was another one in Jeremy Kyle. There was the security one, I think. Graham was fucking massive no there was another one in Jeremy Cal there was the security one I think Graham was the pastoral aftercare was he yeah Graham was the guy

we don't have one of them like that comes and speaks people off the wall you just fuck off to Warrington just fuck off to Warrington and go and speak to Graham there we'll get you help we'll get you help

we'll send you home with a bit of meat we'll get you help we're not dinkheads dangerous Dave oh fucking love the idea of just someone like being that's the thing with security

at comedy clubs they're there but they're not always watching I feel like Dangerous Dave is definitely there and watching that's his job

I remember at Rawhide once I said something about Northern Ireland I mentioned it because I used to have housemates from Belfast when I was at uni

and it got mentioned and I went into a bit and this piss person just couldn't accept that I talked about Northern Ireland and went to throw her drink at me, but it was a glass of wine. And as she did that motion, it sort of looped out of the glass and I just saw wine sort of just go over my head and then stood there going, did you just, just throw wine at me?

If you're quick enough there, free baggy. You shouldn't have said anything. You're nailing it. And I went, okay, but did you throw wine at me? And I was just waiting for like, and nothing fucking happened. It was the worst because I was just waiting for someone to get fucking rugby tackled from the side. Because bouncers are dying for something to kick off, because it's boring and nothing happens, so I had to go

oh, okay, you did then well, I'll get on with the commentary she's off for another glass of wine it's fucking brutal, there's a league table of bouncers though, isn't there, and I feel like bongos bingo, needs a dangerous Dave and then one step down from that, you've got nightclubs, step down from that

you've got local pubs that are a bit tasty step down from that, you've got nightclubs. Step down from that, you've got local pubs that are a bit tasty. Step down from that, you've got comedy clubs, and then even below that, you've got that sad cunt who has to stand on Burger King. Oh, no! Like, what happened in their life when they're like, oh, I'm going to be a doorman, I'm hard as fuck, I'm a fucking blue belt in fucking

karate. Chip flying! Chips are flying! Chips are flying! They just have to decide whether you're drunk enough for a fucking overpriced burger I feel so sorry for those guys

yeah what would your bouncer nickname be Dan? Dangerous Dave yeah so Dangerous Dave what would you it's not Dangerous Dave

is it it's fucking Baldy Nance is that I just like sex pest them until they start like alright

no alliteration just Baldy Nance Baldy Nance yeah I just don't do it until they start like, all right. No alliteration, just balding nonce. Balding nonce, yeah. I just don't do it like Liam. Leave me out of it, Liam. I don't. I'm a thespian. Are you?

Well, yeah, I was back in the days. You were a thespian? I did a bit of amateur dramatics. So I'm not a real thespian. I was just saying, you know. Isn't a thespian like an old-style English actor? No, I think it's just any form of sort of actor or drama type. It's just because most people, when they say thespian,

that's how they say it. Yeah. I'm a thespian. I'm a thespian. Yeah, it just means actor or, yeah. But people who use the term thespian are those type of cunts. Yeah. And so I apologise. I wish Iian are those type of cunts. Yeah. And so I apologise.

I wish I'd not done it. Argumentative, Adam. What, as a doorman? Yeah. That's not your idea. It is. It isn't. He'd start more fights than he fucking ended.

I wouldn't. You would. What a great response. I wouldn't. I'm not argumentative. Yeah, you are. No, I'm not. I'm quite good at calming situations fuck the fuck off

what do you mean what situations do you calm down all of them like I'm quite chill mate when it's kicking off I'm always like come on

we can sort this out that's how I did my shoulder I was trying to calm my fight down between my little brother and some big cunts might have been dangerous Dave you never know

and that's when I got assaulted I didn't assault anyone back. You're a very calming influence, especially on this podcast. Yeah, should everyone just chill out? Why are we arguing? What has happened? I'm calling myself a thespian and you're lying about being chilled out? What the fuck are you talking about? It does feel like it's kicking off a wee bit.

It's because he's fucking speaking to me like I'm a dickhead. It's kicking off while we're arguing about how we don't kick off. I'm like sitting here like I'm in some sort of gaff at four in the morning going like, I'm taking my meat and go. You're going to have that for tea. You're all right. You're all right.

You're going to be all right. That'll do, pig. Shall we have a word from some money cunts? Stop calling the sponsors money cunts. Jesus Christ. Fucking hell. Who have I put in now? We sat here with a business owner who's like,

we've grown the brand, you know, we're up to 10 presenters. And he's always like, there's some fucking money cunts. Hey, they're not giving us meat. We appreciate the sponsors, but you know, if you can't take a joke why are you sponsoring us you fucking gobshites what the fuck I love it

he's leaning into it dead chilled out just a nice chilled out guy give us your money you fucking cunt it's gonna be a jump cut that one no it isn't leave it in

leave it in they're grown adults comedy podcast we're joking what's happening lids Leave it in. Leave it in. They're grown adults. Comedy podcast. We're joking. What's happening, lids? Today's sponsor is Beer 52. Beer 52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. If you're into your beers, your ales, your stouts, Beer 52 is the place for you. They've teamed up with Have A Word, this podcast baby, to give our listeners a free case of eight beers.

You will get eight beers, an award-winning beer magazine, and a tasty snack. You just pay the 5.95 postage. You can pause or cancel your membership to this Discovery Club at any time. But until you do that, they're going to keep sending you beers. They're going to send you a different theme every month. Previous themes have included Germany, California, Belgium, Korea, New Zealand, South Africa, and many, many more.

Every month, you'll get a new theme of beers sent to your house. And I'm telling you right now, I signed up for this a few months ago myself, and I ain't been cancelling anything. I'm still tippling away. Just go to beer52.com slash word and claim your free case now. That's B-E-E-R 52.com2 dot com slash W-O-R-D. Do it now, baby. Please, go get yourself some free stuff on us. Don't forget to watch our very funny podcast videos on YouTube.

You can subscribe at YouTube.com forward slash Have A Word Pod. Have you got some questions? I have. So how much of the podcast do you manage to get through? I know you listen to an episode or so. The title of the podcast, Have a Word, is people sometimes write in

like a reverse Agony Ant style thing where they're like, hey, have a word with this dickhead because he's being a knob. And we also do a few would you rathers and shit like that. This is the feature section. Fine.

Yeah. I'll let Johnny decide what you want. We can give some serious advice. Someone's asked for some serious advice. We've got a question about sport. We've got some would-you-rathers that are definitely not serious. What's your preference?

What are you feeling? Is this in order? Are you not going to do it? No, you can do whatever. Why don't you just do them all? Yes. Johnny came to play. Fucking hell.

This is a serious bit of advice needed on this one. Are we going to do serious before we go into Wunji Rathers? Why don't you do like a serious sandwich, that one? So a silly, serious. This guy knows how to put a fucking show together that's entertainment right there just calm down

alright just see it in your eyes you're getting a little bit touchy breathe through it you're really starting to piss me off have a fucking

cha tea you're really starting to do my head in okay good good alright just breathe

you're alright would you rather would you rather would you rather I've never been this pissed off on the podcast would you rather just breathe through it babes you're alright

you can't find a happy place Dubai would you rather finish every unattended glass by the way you have to do one of these

on pain of death you're not eating that shit yeah would you rather finish every unattended glass pint on a table in a bar even if someone's just. Yeah? Would you rather finish every unattended glass pint on a table in a bar, even if someone's just gone to the toilet,

you have to go over and down it, or every time you're out, you're at the bar, and you order a drink. If you hear someone order something else after you, you have to point to them and say, I'll have that instead, and you can't explain why.

So the two options are, you're in a pub and you literally just fucking mind sweep every empty glass around you you're that cunt you're basically the alcoholic

you haven't got a choice or it's called mind sweeping innit yep it's a student move it's called mind sweeping innit yeah you just said it there I just said mind sweeping

wake up lad you've seen Red big time haven't you sometimes when Dan this is the silly section sometimes when Dan's talking because I

sort of like I know like I know the format and that I've got a bit of ADHD so what was happening there

was I was playing an episode of Friends in my head and I missed a bit this is developing as a problem and we've done so many podcasts i read these

out and i just look over and i'm like he's gone he's not there i'm just like we were on a break right or you're at the bar you order your drink but if someone comes up and orders fucking two gin and tonics you're gonna go oh I'll have what they're having. They're your choices. Every single time? Every single time. And when you go to a pub, you mind sweep every time? I think mind sweeping is like, you can't do all the tables because you're just going to get,

unless you take dangerous Dave out every time you go for a booze, you're just going to get twatted, aren't you? Yeah, but the other option of I'll have what they're having, like that is easily explainable. If you order tobacco, I'll have what they're having like that is easily explainable if you're at the bar i'll have a pint of heineken and someone goes i'll have a double gin and tonic and you go i'll have a dead oven because you've just heard it and reminded yourself

that you like a gin and tonic that's explainable but what wouldn't be explainable is if you went to the bar it was like can i have six jager bombs mate and someone comes over and go can i have a glass of water and you go i'll have a dead of water? And you go, I'll have a dare down. That's when it gets a bit fucking ridiculous. I've just put myself in the programme. What would you rather do? Well, like, no joke, I was minesweeping last week in Tenerife. Like, it's not an issue for me, the minesweep. Was it not all-inclusive?

Yeah. Were you doing it anyway literally people going over good mate you can have anything from the bar no it was like end of the night do you know what i mean so it was with slutty suzy cool who's one of the dancers uh he was out there even though it was a family holiday you love these nicknames can we just park for a second if you don't mind slutty suzy and he is one of the dancers yeah yeah all the dancers are you wouldn't call it drag they're just like sort of party boys you know slutty suzy horny heidi naughty nicky but they're all men but they're all men but they're not it's not good enough to be drag right i mean it's just like they're in a dress, they're going to collect

the books and run about he was there anyway, he was like a sort of au pair because on holiday he just came, I was like I'll just come So you took him on holiday to look after your kids? Kinda. Slutty Susie? Yeah but then we got a bit of time to have a few bevs in the night

because the kids were in bed but then even though it was all inclusive, there was restrictions, the early curfew, 11 o'clock. So everyone would be on the terrace of this hotel and everyone would get a big round in just before 11 and then sit there till the early morning.

And then, as people would drop off and we were running out of booze, we'd just go in. That is a valid mind are you saying are you saying when someone's there stealing their drinks no but if they're left over drinks stealing when they go the toilet i do the i'll have what they're having because nine times out of ten you might get something decent yeah and and if you don't sure you can just order something else i wouldn't steal people's drinks if they've've left, I'd drink the dregs.

It's also not very COVID compliant. You steal people's drinks. You know, there's spittle going in there, bit of saliva. Spittle. Spittle. He's looking fine. Look at him.

You'd do that, wouldn't you? What you did in Tenerife, I think is valid mind sweeping. They've gone to bed. They've got like a few glasses on their table. Just go and sweep them Yeah, no I would Especially if it's 11pm and everyone's playing the game

Of like, we're allowed to get as many drinks As we need But after 11 we can't get any So if a table's full of like Half drunk drinks Fuck it, if the game is, I'm gonna stay Yeah, that's alright I can't deny that I'd definitely do that

Because my problem with drinking I can say, I don't want to drink today And I can have two and be like, that's enough, I'm not to stay, yeah, that's all right. I can't deny that I'd definitely do that because my problem with drinking, I can say, oh, I don't want to drink today, and I can have two and be like, that's enough, I'm not having any more. If I've had four or five drinks, I'm going to have a 27th. Do you know what I mean? So if there's the option,

if I've got to the end of my drink and I want to carry on and there's a fucking table of bevvies over there, unattended, no one's going to miss them, I'm having a little fucking... Have you ever done mind sweeping properly though back

like when you were younger I haven't you've never taken like a drink like from a table or something on a night out well I don't do drugs so I'm always worried

that there's gonna be a bit of fucking free whatever in there and I'm gonna end up in oh because I do do drugs I'm the one going there's no MDMA

in that there's no I'm trying to get day raped come on guys like it's no MDMA in that. I'm trying to get day raped. Come on, guys. Like it is. No, it's just, you know, just because you don't do drugs

doesn't mean like mind sweeping's more dangerous. But when we went out, the drinks were that cheap. It didn't fucking matter. We used to go to like places, it was a quid, a bevy. Yeah. It was fucking.

Yeah, imagine stealing, and half drunk bevy, that's like 40p innit? Imagine, I wouldn't pick 40p up off the floor. And I feel like it's the same as that so I never really did it Squires

Squires on a Monday night was 50p a pint back in our college days I remember even we were skin but fucking hell you don't need to minesweep at 50p a pint

I remember walking in the Raz you know the Raz in Liverpool the Blue Angel sticky floor yeah so I went in there sounds like another dance

isn't it I was on like a staff night out not like a staff night out but lads who I worked with in Mackey's we went to watch the footy

and we went in the Blue Angel it was my round and I walked the bar it's fucking grim in there you're literally like it's like it's like fucking SMTV

when the floor's being slimed it's grim a few discs going round it's like I hate love there I went to the bar I went can I have six pints of Carlsberg or whatever it was and she went 5.40 Floor's being slimed. It's grim. A few discs going round, and it's like, God, I love that. I went to buy one, can I have six pints of Carlsberg,

or whatever it was, and she went 5.40, and I went, no, six pints of Carlsberg, 90p a pint. It used to be a coin for the drip trays. You have a pint of drip tray for a coin. I used to have that in the blob shop. What's it called?

Blob shop. On that street. Great Charlotte Street. Yeah yeah when i first came to liverpool i used to go in because the girl the girl i was with at the time she was studying as a thespian in lippa and uh yeah i used to i didn't really do much in the day i was just hanging about and i used to go in there the blob shop and it was 30p for the drip so just take the so they take the drip. You know those big, long drip trays?

Yeah. All of the taps. Everything. A wee mix, a wee bit of Guinness in there. Stella, cider, Guinness. Do you get it in a glass? You don't have to drink it from the fucking drip tray. No, they just pour it in.

Or it's in a bucket. Like it's in a separate thing. Yeah. Just for a laugh, innit? You know what I mean? Just me on my own like that. Lads. The guy who drunk the drip tray

never got laid though, eh? Like, he was not like, ladies. No, this is how the rich stay rich. Bill Gates loves a fucking drip tray because he's not spending fucking three pound a pint.

Jeff Bezos always at the blob shop. Never mind the glass, get the fucking old tray down. He's fucking clever, this lad. That's how the rich stay rich. You know, they see a bargain. Like, they're just there to get pissed, aren't they? It's not all about the flavour.

Yeah, billionaires are just there to get pissed. That's not how I looked at it. I think I only had, like, maybe 60p, so I was like, there's two pints there. Yeah. Baby, you're doing all right now. Fucking makes sense, doesn't it? The offer has a third.

I can't remember what the other option is, but it's basically just losing your mates, isn't it? You would definitely order the thing at the bar. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a bit worried about this serious one. It's actual advice we've got to give here. Are you ready for it?

Yeah, that's fine. Adam and Dan, Lids, long-time listener, first-time email. Due to this being possibly the worst scenario i've ever found myself in i'm gonna get right to it my partner listens to you have a word no no it's advice it's no it's i've got it i've got it this is serious but what if this is really serious fucking jamming my buttons so fucking flippant. Mama like that. Mama like that. Order. Order.

Order. Will you give him more meat, for fuck's sake? Doesn't like it when I touch the buttons. My partner listens to your podcast with me, so he will know it's about him. Oh, Jesus. Oh, I'm gone. His face would be a picture.

I got together with my partner February 2019. He's 32, and I'm 25. I love me an older dude. They bring, oh, mama like that. Mama like that. I like me an older dude. They bring maturity and all that stuff, right? Well, anyway, he's got two kids, two baby moms.

Now, I know you might stop me in my tracks already, but this is common these days, broken families, et cetera. Open mind, I gave it, being the nonjudgmental person that I am. But to put it bluntly, the baby mommas are both fucking nightmares. They play habit with whether or not we can have the kids. I've tried really hard to be sound to them, helping out with childcare, but they're an absolute pain in the neck. Okay, boring shit over.

I've painted the picture. Three weeks ago. It came out that he has cheated on me and it turns out he's been sleeping with one of the baby mamas for 10 months at the beginning of our relationship. He said, basically it was easy. She was always there. And as soon as they realized they were in love, he stopped it. Uh, and she's put, wow, typing this out. Fuck sake. Now my my question is can I really accept that it was just sex can it really be just sex with someone you've had a child with or do I need to take

my muggy muggins cap off and be rid I can't escape this woman it's a baby mama for as long as I want my partner in my life she will always be there please take into account that this man lay with me near enough every night and told me

neither of them were anything to worry about. It took the entire relationship to tell me. Please help. Your brutal honesty is what this chick needs. I don't know if it's plain obvious,

but my type of personality just doesn't know ever when to do the right thing or what the right thing is. Cheers, lids. Don't hold back. Whoa. Serious sandwich hold back. Whoa. Jeez.

Serious sandwich, that. Oh, my God. So has she got kids with her? I think what we should say, yeah, is just do what you feel, love. You know what I mean? Just do what you feel. And if the guy who listens to the podcast, if you're a Patreon, you do what you feel, lad.

And that's my advice. Just both do what you feel. There's the fucking businessman coming out. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He listens to the podcast. Is he a patron? Wind your fucking neck in love. He pays the subscription.

He's all right. First of all, I mean, you're spot on about the older guys. Oh, yeah. So she's a wise woman. You can tell. Yeah, but there's a difference between older and old. So don't get your fucking dick to him. All right, okay, good.

Has she got kids with him? No. No, no. Oh, but there's a difference between older and old, so don't get your fucking dick to Manchester. All right, okay, good. Has she got kids with him? No. No, no. Oh, so there's not many ties. So he's got two kids to separate mums. Oh, okay. So there's two baby mommas. And it's just come out that he's slept with one of them

for the first ten months of the relationship, and they've been together nearly two years. Can we have a guest ruling what do you think um i reckon she's probably a crank as well to be honest how have we not had this man on already the meat the advice the dancer nicknames no just on the on the, you know, fair enough, he's in the wrong. If he's done the dirt, you do the dirt, you're in the wrong.

Yeah. But, you know, I don't know, just the wording of it was a bit, like... Suspicious. She's saying, oh, these other girls are, like, absolute cranks. But she's written into a podcast that she knows that he listens to to call him out on it hoping that yous will be like what a fucking dickhead which he probably is a fucking dickhead if he's cheated on her but she is also a dickhead for doing that know what i mean yeah no no no you know i'm i'm actually what they know what they need to do is um you

know talk it out and just enjoy the delicious taste of sugar pit bacon. You know what you need to do? You need to cook up a nice tea from a butcher's in Moira. 140 degrees, two hours, and then rest for 20 minutes and job done. Don't let your man be either horny or hungry because there's always somewhere a slag with a butty. He's a, especially in tier two, with a butty. He's a... Especially in tier 2. He's a shagger, innit?

This old boy's a shagger. I don't know about that. He doesn't shag, he lays with people. That's what it says. He lay with me. Do you lay with me, sir? She's a thespian. Does thou lay with me? What sort of bedfellow are you, sir?

He's a shagger, though, isn't he? I don't actually think he is. Two baby mamas, two kids fucking the baby mama. He could have only ever slept with three people, and that is possible. Yeah, that's coming across, isn't it? He's only had sex three times. I've got to give him the benefit of the doubt here.

No, you don't. No, here's the thing. Here's my weigh-in, okay? Okay, good. I'm almost there with Johnny, right? I think... Ooh! It's hard, this, because, you know, he's a fan of the pod.

I think... It's loaded. They're both fans, aren't they? It's weird. I think the fact that she's written in, she's doing it for two things. First of all, she wants us to tell him to fuck off. Right?

She wants, because they've had murder about this, right? And he's being like, look, it happens sometimes, you know, there's still feelings there from when you were together,

you need to fucking calm. It stopped after 10 months. You need to lay somewhere. Gravity's a nightmare. Yo, it stopped after 10 months. We've been together two years. That's 14 months love I haven't been fucking near

apart from that one time after that night out but you know what I mean I've hardly ever gone back after that 10 months and you need to fucking chill out and she's gone you're a fucking dickhead

and he's gone no I've and she's gone I've fucking you know what every one of your mates will think you're a dickhead they fucking wouldn't

and she's gone I know who think he's a fucking dickhead Adam and Dan and I do I think he's i know i think he's a fucking dickhead adam and dan and i do i think he's fucked up i think he's probably got those 10 months in started catching feelings for this new girl and gone this needs to stop because i want that to go somewhere i do think he's done that but he's also hid it and he's a shaggy if i here, if I'm here, I could never get past that. So I would be Homer Simpson into the bush and staying in there.

T-1000. I reckon you'll get a part two to that. I reckon if they both watch, he'll write back his version. Oh, yeah. And I'll let you know if she, because I've just called her a crank. You know, if I get like a message request on Instagram or something going, you're fucking thick. Like, why did you call me a crank? She's a crank then, and I'll let you know. Do you know what? get like a message request on instagram or something going you're fucking thick like why did you call me a crank she's a crank then and i'll let you know i don't

you know what i don't think she is i think it's the tone of the pod it's this kind of shit we talk about and she it's clever in a way it's also putting all your shit out there on online it's not easy but she's like obviously pissed off but it is a sneaky very 2020 way of getting in your partner's head in it oh you've done that who do you really like and respect that podcast well i'm gonna fucking snitch to them and they're gonna say what they think but i just like i i know he's a listener but when has he been banging her like when is it gonna stop as well it's not like he got i will never see her again no no no i know i banged her again but you know like i pick up the kid from hers and he's playing lego and i'm like she's here i might as

well bang her again like it's always gonna be there in it she's never gonna be able to know that he's going to pick that kid up and nothing's happened let me smell your dick do you know what i mean like every time he's it with that baby or with like i've got to go and pick him up if he's like if she lives 20 minutes away and he's 23 and a half minutes getting there and back she's gonna be like what were you doing with that three and a half minutes we were just talking about you know the kids schooling yeah yeah with your fucking dick out your rat every every Where were you? McDonald's. Oh, where are you? I want to see a fucking McFlurry pot.

Like it's going to be constant. My honest verdict on this is I think it's totally possible that he realised 10 months in he was being an absolute cunt, which he was, and that he stopped, and that it'll never happen again. I think that's possible. I don't think it's necessarily very likely, but I think it's possible.

And I think it could happen. However, I think, you know, to paraphrase Beyonce from the song Telephone with Lady Gaga, trust is like a mirror, and once it's broke, you can still see the cracks in it, even if you glk back together. How is it possible for you to surprise me at this point of our working relationship?

Yeah, look, I think... It's because he's such a calming influence, and he just can quote... I'm just trying to chill everyone out, okay? I think... I'm lost, like I've been doing episodes of Friends in my head. Johnny's like, she's a crank, play a song. Lady Gaga telephoned.

I was like, oh, I'm gone here. What's going on? Yeah, I think... I think you'll get a response from the guy. I think it's unfair. There's no point in just like, batting about unless he gets to tell his side of the story. Yeah, that's waiting until we get both sides

and then we'll fuck him. Johnny Bongo now said to develop content. This is a fucking great point. That's the way to do it. Then he comes back, and then you get them in as guests, you know, like surprise guests. Can we bring...

You've got fucking curtains there, they pop out. You could beat them in Jeremy Kyle. We need Dangerous Dave. Can we lend... Can we lend Dangerous Dave? You can, yeah. Because Creepy Carl's not going to do the job, is he?

Whoa. Non-C-Dan and fucking Calm Adam. Cunning not going to do the job, is he? Whoa. Non-C-Dan and fucking Calm Adam. Cunning Linguist Carl. Yes, thank you, Adam. Not nothing funny. You're a cunning and you're good with words. We got it! We got it, Adam!

And both. Call me! Yeah, I think that's over. And whether you admit it now that it's over or in a year, it's done and it's not coming back. I'm sorry to both of you, but it's time to move on. And lad, when you get me your next one, don't be banging your ex behind the back

because it'll always fuck it up. Soz. Soz. That's my... Adam's ruling. Another, oh no, really serious one. Soz Soz That's my Adam's ruling Another Oh no Really serious one Alright

Yari Lidmanans Your celeb crush's head Would you rather Your celeb Celeb crush's head On your mum's body Or Your mum's head

On your celeb crush's body You've got to bang one Would you rather I would bang My celeb crush's head on my mars body because i don't ever want to look into my mars eyes while i'm coming just turn around this one's for you mom hashtag got too soon yeah that's you can't look at your mom's face while you're fit like you wouldn't finish would you yeah yeah i know it's audible and it's a would

you rather for a reason because it's look look, he looks fucking petrified. What are you going for, Johnny? Also, what makes, Johnny, what makes this, both of our mums are dead.

Oh, is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. So mine is a,

a dead 45 year old ginger woman on the body of Scarlett Johansson and that's not a good look, is it? What about your ma, are they fittest? So like, she was like 23.

You know what I mean? Plump. Doing a Robert De Niro impression. Oh mum, that really got me going. It's either my mum or Robert De Niro I don't know Would you shag Robert De Niro's head on your mum's body? No

There needs to be one of them as a good thing That's why this would you rather works Carl that was a nightmare to answer that one I'm going to go Nah I'm alright You've both got to answer this would you rather words? Carl, that was a nightmare to answer that one. I'm going to go, no, I'm all right. I'm all right. You've both got to answer this would you rather, by the way. I put the bullet there and I went for it.

I don't want to look at my ma. I'd rather have her tits than her face. How can you argue with that theory? Johnny's out. It's dark. I'm going to go Celeb Crush Head. Yeah? Yeah.

Same reason. Same reason. Yeah. It is good clarity of thought there. Yeah, because that could not be your Mars body, do you know what I mean? Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

That's definitely that. Yeah. Without sounding too morbid, but would you not maybe want to spend time with your mum for a wee bit? Is that really deep and dark? Genius. But I've got to fuck her at the end of it. But at least, like, I don't know the circumstances with your mothers

and I don't know if that's, like, too heavy, but... Look away! I'm also feeling a wee bit emotional because you get to see them for a bit. Yeah, that's a good point, actually. Here's another one. Would you rather never see your mum again or you get to spend a day with her but you's a good point actually here's another one would you rather never see your mom again or you get to spend a day with her you have to fuck her at the end of it

god i wish this was a patreon uh come on answer the question um yeah i think the day i think the day i think the day might be slightly overshadowed by how the evening comes to an end. It's really awkward, both with an open bottle. What if you get one of the way first? Like, reverse it? Yeah, so you bang her, but then you get the day with her. So you finish, and then you're like, let me tell you what I've been up to for the last 20 years.

How's heaven? What's God like? Well, it was quite good until you dragged me down here, mate. Heaven was fucking great until you started doing a Would You Rather with Johnny Bongo and Adam Rowell. Yeah. Look, I'd love to see me mad again,

but I don't think I could fuck her. I don't think so. Fact. No context, have a word. Enjoy that one. Yeah. You'd never get over that, would you? They're both up there now.

Not getting fucked. They wake upstairs. Do you get banged in heaven? If you want to. Heaven, in my opinion, is whatever your idea of heaven is. And hell is whatever your idea of hell is. Your ma's therefore getting banged in. What?

Your ma's therefore getting banged banging. What? Your ma's death will get them banging. You reckon? Yeah. Yeah. My ma loved the idea. She's up there. Are you a man of faith,

Johnny? That's what I think though. I think heaven is like purpose built for each person. So if you go, like the spiritual side of it is, if you go and your idea of heaven is you want to see your mum

and just have a nice time with your mum, then your mum's essence would be in your idea of heaven. But if she doesn't want to see you, she doesn't see that. So it's like there's two versions. Yeah, like, Piers Morgan isn't in my heaven. I'm not saying he's going to hell. It's not like he gets his heaven and I get mine without fucking Piers Morgan

twatting about like a big fucking ball. If your idea of heaven had Piers Morgan in, yours would have him in, but his wouldn't have yours in. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's a personalised VAR. Yeah.

And hell is just me on the phone trying to cancel my sky just forever forever just listening to some guy who doesn't give a shit about my problems

whatsoever oh your internet's not working oh I'll just put you down hold for an hour and a half they definitely just go and have a little blast of FIFA for a bit ding ding ding

ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding Johnny what's your idea of hell? This is on the phone. Just that wee song that you were in. What was that wee song?

Someone shared a meme of it the other day, and it was like, me, I'll get an early night, my brain at 4am. Mine's Downton Abbey on repeat. I fucking hate period dramas wow

what a nightmare hell that is literally you've just named you've just basically described all pensioners lives as hell

exactly they do live in hell though pensioners it's not good is it I'm terrified of getting old I think I think it looks terrifying

because you're 28 and you've got a life to live but by then you're like I don't have anything to do no that's kind of what they want in permanent lockdown do you know i mean they've been in lockdown for years if you hadn't told old people there was a pandemic going on they wouldn't fucking know about it i mean the only reason they know that there's a pandemic coming on is that jeff stopped coming round because he was taken out by it what's your feelings of getting old Johnny how old are you?

34 it's weird how turning 30 gets in your head a little bit doesn't it I really felt invincible all through my 20s and 30 is a weird milestone where you're like god that sounds dead grown up and then it just starts

on the second half as well how old are you? 39 weird milestone where you're like god that sounds dead grown up and then it just starts like you know the second half as well how old are you 30 39 oh you're well you're 40 then isn't it yeah but 40 in march what's that is that gone quick for you there 35 to 39 yeah 35 to 39 is going quick because that's when i met my wife had a a baby. It's just an absolute shit show of love and sleep deprivation. Yeah, that's right. So it's been busy and great and tiring. He was about your age, found a fit woman who'd put up with him and just... Oh, my God.

He decided to quit while he was ahead. That's exactly what I've done. Yeah, it's a good move. I'm looking forward to turning 30. How old are you? I'm going to be 29 in January. So I've got another, 15 months or is it 15? 14 months of being in my 20s.

And I want to be 30 because I think that's like, I'm a man. You know what I mean? Yeah. I'll be on the dating apps and that. And like girls will be matching me like, he's a man. He's got his shit together, you know. He's got a good podcast. Comedian. He's well-tra a man. He's got his shit together, you know? He's got a good podcast. Comedian.

He's well-travelled. He's sorted his teeth out. He's got a nice beard. I reckon he is ready to have a kid, and I'm not. But they'll think I am. And that's how you get laid. Well, how old were you when you had your kids? I've got a three-year-old and a one-year-old.

Oh, you are in it, mate. No, he's not one. Sorry, he's four months. He's 29. Sorry, mate mate no he's not one sorry four months he's 29 oh sorry mate only four months four months yeah oh muscle tough how you uh how you doing it's brilliant like having a baby in a pandemic yeah it was brilliant were you allowed to be at the birth you were allowed to be at the house home birth the one i tell you what you fucking save on petrol but you lose a couch no you get a little jacuzzi

in the house and all it's brilliant I could I'm a real so they gave birth a water bath in the house in the jacuzzi

yeah it's class I'm dead lucky because my missus is like like like super mum you know what I mean she just

I kind of don't have to not do anything but you know like when it's about i kind of don't have to not do anything but you know like when it's about the decision you don't have to not do anything like she's picked all the right kind of stuff do you know like their diet and what to do and like the routine and you know yeah i'll just go i know what she says is probably like the kind of good thing you're like the fourth official she tells you what numbers are put on the board and you just hold it up being a dad sometimes i i love being a dad and i'm involved but it feels like you are a part-time member of staff and your wife is like the ceo and fucking general manager of the whole thing and like why i did your wife my wife read up on everything and then was like have you read those things and i

hadn't and she she tested me on it she was like you haven't read anything I was like no I have I have and she was like right so how often do you feed the baby and I paused I was like oh I'm under so much pressure every two hours

she went right well you've got lucky there yeah that's right fucking testing me to I won't be having that me my wife or partner or whatever if they're like

hey we're doing it this way no we'll talk about it and if I if you can convince me you're right then sound but i'm not you're not getting you say you say that no i like but i don't know it's actually it's easy straight if it's like that i think do you know i mean like when we're on like when we're on holiday i'm a control freak though john no but it's not unless i don't know maybe i'm just being no you're not i know exactly what you mean

like when everyone's tired and the pressure's on and everyone's feeling a little bit emotionally fraught, you're going, no, love, I've done my own reading. I know your nipples are sore, but I think this is how you get the baby on the teat. There's a lot you've got to just roll with. Yeah, that's an area of expertise. Do you know what I mean?

So what are you talking about specifically? What's your expertise? Fussy boots. Fussy boots. Yeah. Oh, because a lot of wives will just have an argument area of expertise do you know what I mean so what are you talking about specifically what's your expertise footy boots footy boots yeah oh because a lot of wives will just have an argument in JD

sports going no Adam I want him to have Astro I just can't be having someone being like oh he's not having McDonald's till he's

seven it's his third birthday get him a happy meal put him in front of the telly what's the problem you're having an argument with someone

that doesn't exist and isn't having his argument with yeah but think of his kids They just want a Maccies I just want my kids to be happy I'm going to be the best dad ever Here you go

Happy child I've learnt that because I was kind of like that Just before even we went on holiday My oldest son Alex 3 Hasn't had a Maccies Well he did have one in Spain And he never really has, like, loads of sweets. And I was kind of thinking, like, we're being really sly on him.

You know, there's other kids having fucking Haribo left, right and centre. And then when we were away and the sort of rules got a bit more relaxed, I was fucking giving him Kinder Eggs and everything. And my missus was like, yeah, go for it. You know, we're on holiday. And he was a fucking nightmare. That's the first time I've ever, like, you know, he's been a bit of a brat.

I'm thinking, should have just stuck the blueberries and bananas and stuff like that for him. Oh, because he's just, like, insulin spiked off his mind. He just fucking went nuts. And now he's come back from the holiday, and I'm like, here's nice grapes. He's just like, where's the fucking good stuff? See, here's the thing.

Daddy, I know you got the good shit. What's up in that fucking top drawer? I know you got a bit of plastic that gets all the good shit. Let's go to co-op. Where's the fucking good stuff? See, here's the thing. Daddy, I know you got the good shit. What's up in that fucking top drawer? I know you got a bit of plastic that gets all the good shit. Let's go to co-op. Where's the kinders? Look, I get it. I understand that you fill a kid full of sugar. It's like putting a fucking battery in a Joris L. Bunny

and off they go. I get it, okay? But I know that I'm going to settle in Liverpool and I know that my kid... I'm probably settling in West Derby or nearby and that means my kid will go to a school, either my school or a similar school, Cardinal Heenan Catholic High School. And I can't handle my kid being bullied.

I just can't, right? I want my kid to be the normal kid. He's got three or four good mates. I don't want him to be a bully. I just want him to be one of the normal kids, okay? Where does sweets come into this? Because if your kid in Cardinal Heenan Catholic High School pulls out some fucking blueberries at break time,

they're getting fucking battered. That's all. I want them to just be like, I want a hot dog. I have a hot dog, like everyone else says. Don't be the guy going, well, actually, they're really bad for your metabolism. Tristan, Tristan, you haven't finished your quinoa.

Yeah, I can't, like, I want my kids to be exactly who they want to be. But while they're in school, you just need to be a normal lad, play a bit of footy, you know? You need to be down in the middle in school, don't you? Yeah. You don't want to be hard or the bully.

You don't want to be a ming. You want to fly right through the middle. Yeah, but you also don't want type 2 diabetes. That is something to keep an eye on as well. Yeah, I want them to be normal. I don't want them to be Mr. Sweets turning up like, Hey!

These are all for me! I want them to be normal i don't want them to be mr sweets turning up like hey these are all for me i want them to be the selling the sweets like i did i want to pass on the family business i sold sweets on the yard at school you my dad did as well you know like me like your granddad did yeah yeah yeah and then he'll pass it on to him yeah yeah this is true actually i don't know i've told you this before there was a lad who sold the people selling on the yard in your school? Yeah, sherberts, isn't it? Yeah. Sherbert sticks. Yeah, so the big thing in our school was big bars. Great practice for cocaine dealing one day.

A little bit of white. White pudding as well, and black pudding. Hang on. Just meat products, isn't it? Clonacilty black pudding, mate. I'm only winding you up, mate. I thought kids on the yard, do you want a bit of fucking breakfast? So I used to sell big bars at Galaxy. Black Puddin' mate I'm only winding you up mate I thought kids on the island trying to get a

fucking breakfast so I used to sell big bars at Galaxy Orange Lucas Aids and packs of Disco's Crisp and I was like the one people

came to when the big guy had sold out because he sold out quite quick and his name should be coming in first name

so there was a big guy and then you were the little guy so there was like a Morrison's and you were the corner shop yeah yeah see coming from

I'm partially I never bought off you yeah because I was closer to Jack Jack Heelan well I wasn't going to talk about Jack oh you were going to talk about Fabian

Fabian see he was too fucking maverick for me him but you know what I mean no I've gone as well I know you've gone but I've gone as well

so there was a lad called Fabian. We're on memory lane. It's called the Cindy path. And he sold like four times as much as I did. So I made about 25 quid a day profit. 24 quid exactly. I used to spend 11 quid on the project. I'd come home with 35 quid,

24 quid profit every single day of the week in school. Fabian would go home like 100 quid a day, right? He was genuinely, there was rumors he was genuinely there was rumours he was paying the rent on his his ma's house

and everything the rumours you're 11 now Fabian but this is the thing come on I've got the lecky pill this is the god's honest truth right

so you know like how in school there's like sort of legends of the kids gone before you'd hear about kids who aren't at the school anymore this

I swear to god, this is true. So this was about, how long ago was this? About seven years ago? Yeah. Right? I'm walking down my dad's close. I was living with my dad at the time in Liverpool. And there was these two kids walking down my dad's street.

And they'd been to B&M. And they had loads of fucking cans of Pepsi and bags of crisps and chocolate. A bag over each shoulder both of them right and you just hear a little snippet of a conversation

and one of them said to the other yeah there's a legendary seller from Cardinal Hayden his name was Fabian and he bought a Ferrari in year nine

that's the gods on the street I remember texting him going lad you'll never believe it so the legend of Fabian, he made it under a quid a day, paid his Mars or whatever.

That's been passed on down the year. Because this is like seven years ago, I was 21. So I'm five years out of school. Fabian was in our year. He lived around the corner from me growing up. And yeah, apparently. Jack bought a motorbike and a watch in year 11.

Imagine what that lie is doing now. Another God knows how many, like another eight years. Imagine what that lie's doing now. Another, God knows how much, like another eight years. Yeah, yeah, you know Tesla. You bought fucking Tesla in year 10, mate. Is that a podcast?

What have we got more stuff? Should we do a Have a Word as it's the name of the podcast? We haven't done one of them yet, have we? Stop fucking pressing my buttons, you rat. I'm going to have a word with Adam and Dan. We tell us all the problems you have with your friends. This was going to be the whole podcast.

Now it's just the final 10%. Very professional. It's been a bit of a messy one, Johnny. Even by our standards, this has been a messy one. I've enjoyed it. And I think I'm going to lean into it a little bit more with this have a word. Are you prepared? Because there's been points where you've looked a little bit like, I've enjoyed it. And I think I'm going to lean into it a little bit more with this have a word. Are you prepared? Because there's been points

where you've looked a little bit like, I came with meat. It's just hard sometimes to just keep up with what's going on. Says the man who runs a fucking disco bingo. I know, but I mean, there's a lot. It goes from topic to topic very quick. And I'm still, you know, dealing

with the whole fucking your mum's head thing. Yeah. That even by our standards, that was like a little bit of an eye opener. This is a have a word. So we're just trying to help out. You know, people got issues. And again, me and my mates were chatting the other night and this sparked a debate and nearly a row between us.

We were talking about shagging and the lasses brought up how jizz tastes. They all said it tastes gross, to which I said, well, I've never tried mine, so I don't know the issue. This was met with uproar from about three quarters of both the lads and lasses saying that I should try my own nut so I would know. Only one of my mates was on my side about how fucking gross that is, trying your own juice. Imagine there's some cunt out there trying to perfect his own recipe.

Lads, have a word with my mates and how gross this is. Cheers, Anonymous. What do you reckon? It's gross, but I think most people are lying if they've never had a wee taste. What? I fucking love Johnny Pongo.

It's not fucking breast milk, Johnny. No, no, no. I'm not talking about a pint. You know what I mean? I'm talking about I'm just talking about a little How are you fucking chaining that out for? I'm just talking about a little... Like...

How are you ingesting it? I don't even think it's an ingesting thing. Johnny, a little bit like... What's it on? Is it on the wall? Just on a gum. It's on your hand or something, isn't it? Mad.

Never. Have a word with me then. No, Johnny, I've... I think have you done it no I'm I'm not leaving him I'm not saying

I am not leaving him to hang like that because in my head I was like I have in my life gone yeah that's all I'm saying

yeah I was I was gonna go yeah it's fucking gross but as I can't leave Johnny who's done the honourable

have a word thing of going, fuck, balls out. We're talking about mum's heads on Scarlett Johansson. But yeah. I'm just talking about a taste. Not a shot. Yeah.

Not even ingesting it. Not a sharing platter. Just like, I don't know, you do with a little bit of mustard or something. Do you know what I mean? Oh, is that mustard too hot? Yes. Let me just have a look at this meat.

Right, I can't bear the thought of that. I just think you're lying if you say you've never done that. No, well, look, right, if you'd listened to every episode of this, you know, you would know by, there's no reason for me to lie because of the things I've admitted to on this podcast so I'm not lying, I've never tasted it, it disgusts me the idea of it and once I got kicked out

of a girl's house because I'd finished Insider and then she asked me to go down there and I was like absolutely not, you're full of my nut and she was like what the fuck? So you can't get on board with this.

It's your thing. Because she'd sucked me off at the start of the banging. And then she was like, you know, I haven't finished yet. And I was like, I'll fucking get it on my hand. I've got magic fingers. But I'm not fucking tongue-punching box right while it's full of my goo well i think that should be on your headstone just uh it is i have i've done that with it there was a yeah i've had a girl go go on then a girl in newcastle was about 21 21 and she was like she was from Brighton

and I remember she was like really like she talked like that and then I in her mouth and she was like

do you want to taste it and you're like no that's not how this works I'm finishing the girl's mouth and she went to kiss me and I was like hey

what as long as it's not there anymore no it was there it was all over their face like she just you know when the kids What? As long as it's not there anymore. No. It was there. It was all over her face. Like she just... You know when a kid's had chocolate that it's just not bad?

It's just so graphic. You know when a kid's just like... Yeah, no, but if it's gone... She's like, come here. Absolutely not. You can kiss it if it's gone, though. You're not that... Yeah, after a couple of minutes.

If she's swallowed it, yeah. What's the big issue, though? It's just not... I'm homophobic. I think it's weird. It's not homoph yeah. What's the big issue, though? It's just not... I'm homophobic. I think it's weird. It's not homophobic. It's yours. I don't want cum in me...

Nobody cares. Do you know what I mean, at least? Like, you'll... You've got a bit of madness to you. Do you know what I mean? Like, I reckon a girl would like that more. You know, kiss me. And you might be thinking in your head,

oh, fuck, no, I don't want to do that. But then if you just go, yeah, fucking right. Then they'll be like, whoa, he's mad. I would rather.

Does that make any sense? I really want to drink with this guy. This guy. I would rather. Just fucking do it. What are you fucking drinking though? Yeah, I can't.

I'd rather like just take the bins out, get around that way. Do you know what I mean? I'll do the bins every week, but keep my cum to yourself. Is that the trade off? I feel like that's a big like your imaginings of how like married life is gonna go like listen he's not having a

mcdonald's and if i'm jizzing i'm fucking you're doing the bins like yeah like i'll i'll do more chores so that i don't have to taste my own cum i just mean you're a bit of a stickler really in that in the bedroom no i'm adventurous, to be honest with you. I like, you know, slapping each other about and that, but I just don't want to taste my own produce. Don't mind throwing a donkey punch in, if she's asked nicely. I did it. I knew what, like, we've already had a weird one,

and then I lent into it with the old jizz-tasted. Like, I can't, look, I just, no. Okay. No, no. But yeah, I'll do the dishes, I'll take the bins out, you know. That's not the trade-off. What kind of pornography are you watching? And I'll put it away.

Would you pick your nose and eat it? Yeah, all the time. What's the problem then? It's just more of yourself, isn't it? It's just yourself. No, because this isn't a dick. Famously. Would you drink a pint of piss?

No. Not again. Just for like to be mad. Have you drank piss? Piss, yeah. Just a taste. Do you know what I'm saying? When bongos bingo goes really weird.

Those late night ones in Dubai. No, I can't like, I can't recall a time, but I'm sure I've tried a little bit of piss at some point. Sure. Yeah. I'm putting it into the argument about, I just don't think you should worry about a bit of your own jizz. Someone else's jizz, maybe that's a bit of an issue.

That would be a bit more off-putting, but. It's organic, homegrown. Would you have piss as well? No. No. Just going back in, know where it came out of, innit have piss as well no no it's just going back in know where it came out of in it it's just a bit of a laugh in it just do it come on i think that this question was about having a word with someone that like just was saying like you shouldn't taste it whereas now i'm really like saying now you have to do it everyone needs to do it that's what goes really well with that fucking

bacon red yeah all i was all i was saying is i think most people have done it i think in a group of a group of mates everyone was like oh well you've not tasted it you're allowed to be like no no you're not meant to but you know like that reaction is like the full-on, like, I just can't. It's just not for me. Just give it a go, and then next time on the pod, tell us. You give it a go. Part two.

Part two of, like, the cheating partner. We'll find out, and then we'll see what, you know, homework. I think we're going to noticeably see one listener drop off. Have you got any other butchers you'd like to promote before you go? No, I just thought we could all have a game of Soggy Biscuit or whatever that was called Is that a real thing?

Soggy Brisket Oh, here it is Thank you You're not even getting a Kobe for that Where can everyone find you? Well, at the moment we're not really doing anything Social media wise so that they can see announcements Just everything on Bongos Bingo facebook and the island instagram yeah um hopefully we're

back we've listed shows for we've put about two or three hundred shows on sale for the summer yeah all over all over the uk about two or three hundred starting in june yeah so where's june when's liverpool kicking it back off everywhere just all all all our cities. So we do 30 to 45 maybe in the UK. We're definitely going to one of them as a team. I would like to go to one of the very first ones. Have you never been? I've never been. I've literally seen some of the dog shit fucking rip-offs

that have tried to do their cheap shitty version of it. Like Barry's bingy bingo. You're like, oh, fuck off. Yeah, there's a few rip-offs coming, isn't there? And we're starting to get a bit of that ourselves, aren't we? Ha, ha, ha. We didn't talk about Camp Inferno, and that was juicy. Oh, yeah.

That's a big, long story. You can have me back for the Camp Inferno's lawsuit scoop. Got in a big lawsuit with the venue that we did in Liverpool. Over who owned Bongo's Bingo. They tried to say that in Liverpool. Over who owned Bongo's Bingo? They tried to say that they owned and invented and created Bongo's Bingo. It was good. Is there an abridged version?

Because I'd love to... I feel like it's so juicy. I love slagging off. Fuck, I love the legal dispute. It's a big one, like. All right, okay. It's four chapters. It's good.

Right. Good God. I have to get Johnny Bongo Mark 2 on we'll get you on when we know I feel like I'll bring some lamb or something and that's how you get booked

yeah we'll we'll get you back before the Bongo's Bingo launches in the summer June do genuinely come we will do and they'll be

they'll be in Dubai that's fucking mad like every time I've gone to go so like we were talking about this not so long ago I've

so I'm 10 years into comedy and I've missed so many social occasions because if I get off of the gig I just take it I'm so career focused

because of how this podcast's doing the next couple of years of my life are going to be a scale back from that and if I want to start going to stuff

my ex-missus who doesn't drink and barely had a social life has been twice and she's you need to go i know i need to go but i don't get any fucking nights off uh it would be great to do one of the first ones back for you guys that would be amazing there's every chance we'll see you in dubai if that happens next week yeah me too um we can do brunch yes the brunch that starts at 10am and never fucking ends yeah there's brunch in that

and just mind sweep the whole lot mind sweep loads of air hostesses all running around lovely I'll be in Cheshire

me and Brennan recently went to a brunch with my child when we went to Dubai to do those shows and all the shows are on the weekends the Fridays

it's Thursday and Friday over there isn't it Thursday and Friday and we said to the promoter we're going to do a brunch tomorrow and she was like you're fucking not we're and we said to the promoter we're going to do a brunch tomorrow and she was like you're fucking not

we're like we'll be here if she was like you're not doing a brunch you will not be able to do the gig so we didn't fucking do it so if you've never heard of these brunches

in the Middle East like when I've done army gigs or navy gigs out there it's like Friday it's all you can drink from like 11 till 3 it's only like 4 hours

over there and they all go off the ship or off the boat and get there and the amount of people that are arrested and fucking nearly hospitalised, but it all happens

at quarter past three in the afternoon because they've just smashed it for four hours. I just think it's absolutely hilarious the state of the world's in that me and Carl are considering going

to an Islamic country just so we can have a pint oh please sign up at patreon.com slash have a weird pod you get loads of extra content you get an extra episode every week early access to these public episodes uh it's it's well worth you get discounts on merch early access you know the drill patreon.com slash have a weird pod and we've got some brand new merch coming very soon. Anything to say? Good. Can't wait for that merch. Yeah, me too.

Bye Felicia. Bye Felicia.