Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #97 with Rob Mulholland - IN STUDIO - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: December 7, 2020

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What's happening? How are we? How are we? How are we, lad? How's your week been? Yeah, good. Hang on. I've got to put these on.

Okay. How's your week been? Yeah, of course, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I've sort of forgot how we start. Yeah? I don't know how we end up in the conversations we end up in. You know, because we've been sat around for half an hour, like, half talking, but you don't talk to...

I've got a bit of whiplash, I think, you know. You've got a bit of whiplash! What the fuck happened last night I stopped drinking at six o'clock this morning oh Jesus the drive to work

probably caused the whiplash yeah I don't think I should have been driving what happened on the drive to work

to cause the whiplash six or seven knee collisions oh alright it was one of them wasn't it yeah

well luckily it's not December and the police don't breathalyze for oh that's right it was bad it was one of them wasn't it yeah well luckily it's not December and the police don't breathalyze for oh that's right it fucking is we were driving all the way home

from town to West Derby I left my car in town and then went and picked it up this morning how long is that

how long is town to West Derby in a 18 minutes okay thank you for the specifics could you just zone in on

I just need more of an exact number on that. 18 minutes and sometimes 15 to 20 seconds. Thank you hungover rain man. Do you know what? Oh, I've done a boff. Oh, not a hungover boff. Aye, they're fucking heavy

as well. Oh, for fuck's sake. It's one of them as well where like I am not even enjoying it he boffed in the taxi he still sniffed then though I'm not even enjoying it he boffed in the taxi you have to tip him

to say sorry because he pooed in the taxi how bad is that when you're having to give a taxi driver money I'm so sorry for making you breathe that

should we call it five ten your eyes are watering I'm going to call it twenty alright thanks very much it was like twelve pound ninety I think and I gave him

fifteen quid and told him to keep it that's how bad the fart was two pound ten tip for a taxi two pound ten two pound ten is a tip anyway that's a

that's a boffless tip. Yeah. Mate, if you're at £12.90, you tip. Yeah. You tip £15. Yeah. So what would you have done? I'd have given 20 quid.

No, I'm saying that now. Oh, no. No, I would, yeah. I'd have got the fucking debit card out. Say, check, man. Get the three fellas off the back you know Jesus Christ

rowdy bags yeah they don't call me rowdy bags they don't call me rowdy bags they literally don't I say that to him

about four times a day you know I love it so about 15 times we're just making up our own catchphrases so Adam

poor Jesus boy woo Adam that's like a fucking school boff it's like a roast dinner it's like soup that's like in the

in the canteen where you're like oh you fucking animal it's like heavy innit it's viscous it's not like thin in your nose welcome to the

have a weird podcast if you've if you've not watched before, we sniff our own farts and talk about fart trumps. Fart trumps? Fart tips. But I'm not hungover. I'm still pissed. Right.

I can feel it. I've got two gigs later as well. Good. You're a pro. Love it. Yeah. Live on the edge. Yeah.

What did you... You just... A few diners, a few restaurants, a few... How many substantial meals did you you just a few a few diners a few restaurants a few how many substantial meals did you polish off polished one off

ordered three yeah okay like it yeah right right right four sambuca and four fulcrum scotch eggs have you ever

have you ever had an egg bomb he said you've got to order a pizza but you have to get sides as well and I felt like the restaurant were like just wanted a bit of extra money. I was like, a pizza is definitely a substantial meal. So I got pizza on two sides and eight shots of coffee Patron. And I'm not even messing.

You're doing well to be here. They don't call me from impact. Nope, they don't. He's purple. Oh, you're fucking... They don't call me Jimmy Whiplash. Hey, drive. Get on that.

Get on that. I'll drive. Fucking get over. Here's a 20 quid tip. I'll get it on. How long will it take? 18 fucking minutes. I've had a coffee patrone.

I might take a minute off that. 17. Fucking hell. Mate, I'm fucked off this caffeine. So, just a nice evening with friends. Yes. Yeah. Trickled into the early hours.

Six o'clock this morning, I stopped drinking. Oh, yeah. We were having a very... I made an espresso martini in my own house, 20 past six. I was deaf, I was still off. 25 miles away, you were like, I live! Texting me.

Yeah, texting me at quarter to six in the morning, and he woke up, and he said, he told me, he said out loud, this can't be good. Because Celica was in mine, and nobody texts, he told me, he said out loud, this can't be good. Because Seneca was in mine and nobody texts me from WhatsApps. So if I get a text, it's only him. So I heard the noise, it woke me up and I went,

this can't be good. It's doing alright though. It was just the word, yes. It's doing alright. This makes me jealous. I had my first beer yesterday Me and Laura went for an afternoon date Which is bullshit We went for a meal

But when you're a couple You just call it a date To sort of make it seem like You're a really successful couple We just wanted some fucking food Yeah And I had a beer And I just

It's the first time I've had a beer Since the lockdown lock in And it just did that thing of like You know when it just It feels so good when It tastes so good when it hits your lips. Yeah. And I am a bit jealous,

although I don't want to be, I don't think I could do what you've done. Yeah. You've gone full fucking boozy night out, haven't you? Yeah,

but, you know, substantial meals as well, you know, lined my stomach. Yeah. And, yeah.

Genuinely, because I've not been to one of these. Thanks for the bojo. Still fucking here. What is it like when you go to a place and they're doing the food? They don't care. Really? No one, like, so the first place I went yesterday,

it took us about an hour and a half to order any food. And then when the waitress come over, she went, just so you know, like you can just have some chips if you want. As long as we put food on your bill, we don't care. I love it. Yeah, nice one, love. Can I have? What a legend.

Everything on the menu. I'm starving. I haven't had, I didn't eat all day because I was like, I'm going out for a bevy. I've got to eat everywhere. So I had two packets of peeled onion walkers for me. Peeled onion. Peeled onion. Peeled onion.

Peeled onion. Peeled onion for me breakfast and then that was it. A little bit of peeled onion. I like a little bit of peeled onion. Onion. I like an onion but in a pillow. Have you ever tried an onion in a pillow? It's so tasty.

A little bit of fluff. That's how I get through my nights. Pillow onions. Just to let you know, we do pillowed onions. You can have a nap, but your head will fucking stink when you wake up. We're not really doing COVID. We're a bit bored of it. Anyone else bored of COVID?

Yeah. Right. Is Chester in tier two then? Yeah. Yeah. So you... Don't know how. I don't know how, but we are. Yeah. She's nice. So we went for a steak. Probably fucking Boris Johnson's Nana or something lives in Chester and she

was like, sort us out Boris. Let us go to Nana's. Yeah, that's probably exactly how that went. We're in tier two because Boris Nana'sana that doesn't live in Shester went, I want a nana's bojo. Yeah, so it looks set. I'm wrong.

You can't. Do you know when you don't know something, and I don't know it for definite either, that doesn't make us equally wrong. In it. How do you know you've not been fingered by an alien? something and I don't know it for definite either. That doesn't make us equally wrong. Isn't it? How do you know you've not been fingered by an alien? Well, I haven't been fingered by an alien. But can you prove it? No.

Well then, who's right? Love your logic. Yeah, Chester looked pretty normal, really. All of the people rushed into town to do the Christmas shopping. You feel like just walking around going

dickheads Amazon exists no just do it at home no get a grumpy Lithuanian man

to deliver it don't get the Christmassy feeling shopping online you get the Christmassy feeling standing in queues

that are too big is it quiet Bojo's nan's dead by the way. Oh. Choked on a fucking nan, those lot. She's dead. Good. Oh, there you go. You know what I mean? Fuck Boris Johnson's

dead nan. Is that alright? Can I say that? Yeah. Boris Johnson's dead nan was probably a cum guzzling fucker. Disgusting! She loved a pillowed onion. But I like going shopping. No, you don't.

I do. For other people. No. For me. Well, for me, for other people, yeah. To get the presents that I'm going to give to people. Yeah. I don't want to go and do my dad's big shop, but...

No, no, no. I like going present buying. There was one day, there was one day in that first... I don't believe you. There was... Yeah, I don't know if the alcohol's still running through your system, but you're making out like your fucking buddy the elf, like... Oh, my goodness!

Shirlish coming! Shirlish coming! Salad's coming! Is he fucking drunk? No more pillowed onions for that one! Salad's coming! You're not salad. You're not salad. You smell like beef and cheese.

You sit on the throne of lies. Do you really enjoy doing Christmas shopping for prezzies? Yeah. I'm the present master, really. They don't call me Romy Pax. Yeah, I'm good at buying presents. I haven't got yours yet. I'm going to get you one this year, aren't I?

Because you've already got me one, so I feel I've got it now. Lovely. We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas. When I was with uh my ex i i fucked up really hang on hang on before we go any further let me give you the present early and then you can be like ah it was worth about that much can you just tell me how much

you spent no yeah we said that today we need it we need to know a budget. Yeah. Because I don't want to spend three grand on you if you've only spent 40 grand on me. 45. That's fine. It's nice to know, innit? Hang on. Are we really doing the... I'll bring them in. Yours is here. No, I want to do it all at the same time.

Oh, do you? Yeah, it's got to be together. You've got to have all Christmas. Oh, you forgot. The things are in the boot. We've got Christmas decorations in the boot. Oh, yeah, we've got some deco's back here. Oh, my God.

We've got some tinsel on there. Really? Yeah, we bought some stuff. I thought you were sort of taking the piss. But with the presents that we give to each other, I think it's really good. Yeah, because you don't want to be like, I got you this.

And you're like, sorry about that. From the SO garage on the way. I thought you liked matchmakers flowers look the most depressing Christmas buying ever

I remember I remember clocking it when I used to live in Manchester and I'd drive back to Preston for Christmas on like Christmas Eve or whatever

and there's a on the M61 there's like a big I think it's like an SO garage or whatever service station but it's a nice shop

and just some clearly like three years after the divorce dad going to see his kids with like a fluffy toy

and a Toblerone I'm like oh you're bad dad oh shit oh god this is why you divorce fuckface this is why you

don't live with the kids he's like no two fluffy toys and then some Asian man at the ESCO fucking service and you're going oh okay

£79 please so you don't like going Christmas shopping you do it all online I feel like don't you get like the Christmassy feeling walking around

and fucking Mariah Carey and that and seeing Christmas trees yeah yeah yeah yeah it's there being a Christmas dear but together

we can watch the snow for fun don't get me don't know i'll mate i live in chester chester is nice and then at christmas it gets its fucking it gets its tinsel dick out oh my god you're literally walking through a fucking postcard but it's nice doing that when you're just going should we just go and have a little i'll have a costa and have a wander around and look at the cathedral and i don't have to be like, oh God, it's three for two at Boots and no one wants this shit.

Like I like getting it done early and then being able to peruse and maybe fucking throw in a bath bomb, you know, when you pass Lush. I hate that feeling when it's like the 23rd and I've done it so many times and you're like, right, I've got to get, and it just gets stressy and eggy.

And then you get home and you're like i've gotta wrap the cunts oh it was awful i used to pay my sister to wrap my presents apart from hers i'd pay her like i'd work out how many presents you got about okay i'll give you 30 quid you enjoy rapping now i've got like a routine i hate rapping but like it's part it's i do it all on christmas eve in my bedroom i've got a christmas film on and i'm rapping it's all part of the it's part it's i do it all on christmas eve in my bedroom i've got a christmas film on and i'm rapping it's all part of the it's all part of the routine for me i feel like if i if you'd asked me to predict how this chat about christmas would go i feel like you two are the little christmas romantics i just told i just didn't expect it from you you're like i like

doing all my shopping with every other bellend I didn't get a Christmas last year either So this is two years and they're waiting for me No Japanese Christmas? No, I was working They have Easter at Christmas Huh? They have Easter It was the 25th of September

It was a normal working day What is the Japanese Christmas? What's the... Buddha's birthday They don't really they don't really celebrate anything like that. They've got

Golden Week Golden Week? They've got Golden Week in April they've got which is like a celebration of new beginnings

like spring and Is that the Japanese New Year? No, New Year isn't the Japanese New Year. Okay. Thanks for making

me feel like a fucking bellend. No doubt. January 1st. Obon week in August is their ancestral week where they go to the graves and stuff and pray. They just do this. Basically, yeah, for a week.

Or the Yakuza. This is Steve. Yakuza Steve. They do all the Christmas stuff. Stevie Yakuza. Except for Christmas. Yakuza Steve. They do all the Christmas stuff. Stevie Yakuza. Except for Christmas. If you get me. They do it like all the American influence.

They love all the decorations and the... They put trees up. Yeah, they love all that. Santa, not Jesus. No Santa. It's like, it looks lovely, decorations, and there's trees, and there's light, and it looks amazing. But then when it comes Christmas Day, it's just...

It's another day. It's just another working day don't give a fuck yeah it's funny when other cultures are like couldn't give a shit when me and Laura lived in Leeds for a year

we drove we'd had a we'd been to her family we'd been to my family we'd done like nearly four days of like diplomacy

and then drove are you alright? come on you can do it are you laughing at him? no alright we you can do it are you laughing at him? No we um what are you laughing at? Nothing can I just tell the story guys?

trying to be a broadcaster how are we? and we were like oh shit we need some stuff we'd driven home it was like five o'clock on Christmas day

we hadn't really got we just wanted a bit of booze and like oh this is a fucking ball ache we hadn't had any pudding because we'd just fucked off after Christmas dinner

pudding oh you know what I mean like it's we just wanted like a pudding just wanted some some snacks to

I get ya and we drove through we drove through the Asian Just wanted some snacks. I get you. And we drove through the Asian bit that we live near, Headingley. Just every shop's fucking open, because Muslims don't give a fuck about Christmas, apparently. They do. Muslims do put a tree up and that, I think. They celebrate it.

They do. Some of them do. I don't think it's anything to do with Islam though is it there's just they're being like we live in this they're assimilating

yeah oh I taught you that well you know all the shops where everyone's like why you wouldn't want to work on Christmas day mate

everyone was in work because it was just a fucking Thursday to them and it was amazing because we were like oh yeah quality if you live near Muslims

your fucking stores are open it was quality just got what we wanted there's near Muslims your fucking stores are open it was quality just got what we wanted there's no spot no like I love it it was great I'm so proud of you there

assimilating I'm dead proud of you there they don't call me rowdy bags so genuinely you've never had like a there will I feel like you're

fucking gaslighting every person that listens Adam's the one gaslighting people in this episode. They don't call me. Oh, he bags, but they will. Don't, because that's what he wants.

Have you never had, like, a little pre-Christmas meltdown in a fucking boots queue? Oh, I get stressed here, because i do most of my shopping christmas eve like we've been a couple of times to get away it's just like gotta go and get it done hardcore oh yeah like a fucking tables ladders and chairs matching time hell in itself he's fucking smashing people over the head in the primark queue and it's good they should do that shouldn't they that you know like when covid struck and it was like eight till nine is pensioners and you know the vulnerable please give them that shot on christmas eve it should be like look everyone can do normal shopping but six while eight just before we show is just all the dads and lads

and it's literally no holds barred Venetian football. Yeah. You can all kick the Florentine football. Yeah. And it's just... What's that film with Arnold Schwarzenegger and... It's like a 90s... Full Monty.

Yep. It's like a 90s film where they're after the action figure. Oh. Kindergarten Cop. Jingle All The Way. Jingle All The Way. What a fucking... Did you just start saying films? You did. Jingle All The Way. Oh yeah. Kindergarten Cop. Jingle All The Way. Jingle All The Way. What a fucking... Did you just start saying films?

You did. Jingle All The Way. Oh, yeah, Kindergarten Cop. I love Jingle All The Way. Terminator. I reckon that's my second favourite Christmas film. I think that'd be amazing if it was just six till eight, dads and lads, all fucking knobheads, all hyped up,

all the cash, none of the sense, and then it's just fucking any children, just elbows, uppercuts to get to the fucking... Do you fancy your chances in that? No. Royal Rumble. Oh, my God, no. No.

Yeah. What's going on, lads? You all right? There's a jingle all the way to, and it's Larry the Cable Guy. It looks shite. Yeah, jingle all the way to the first one, where he's after the action figures.

Fucking unbelievable, though. Second favourite Christmas film now do you know what my favourite is can you guess Die Hard no it's not a real

Christmas film it is come on no it's not why isn't it it's just it's a fucking it's Die Hard

with a little bit of Christmas thrown in oh I know what yours is yeah don't say it I want to see if Dan can guess it I don't think he will

Home Alone no Home Alone 3 is the best Home Alone as well don't say it. I want to see if Dan can guess it. I don't think he will. Home Alone? No. Home Alone 3 is the best Home Alone as well. Controversial opinion, but it is. I saw Home Alone for the first time last year. First time. Shit.

The best Christmas film. It's because you're in Japan. It's just normal working day. Jack Frost. Jack Frost. Snowdad is better than No Dad. That's a Christmas film, is it? That's the catchphrase of the film.

Isn't he the detective? Who? Jack Frost. He sounds like a reporter from the 40s. But yeah, Michael Keaton. Spoilers. Michael Keaton dies in a car crash very early in the film, and he gets reincarnated as Snowman.

Is he? I don't know. Download that one now, guys. What about the Santa Claus? That's a good one. The original one? With Tim Allen. Yeah, yeah.

I like Elf, me. Elf, Grinch. Oh, Steph Johnson. No, not Steph. Sharni was giving fucking... Oh, Soda! Loads of... That's such a little contrarian...

Oh, Elf shit! Soda on Twitter? It's just because so many people bang on about certain films, it makes everyone do like, oh, I fucking hate it! Like, it's still... Even if you don't love Elf, it is a decent one, isn't it?

She had the holiday in her top four, and it's fucking shite. Yeah, Jack Frost's number one. There's a snowball fight in it she had the holiday in her top four and it's fucking shite yeah Jack Frost's number one there's a snowball fight in it erm you know

he gets reincarnated as a snowman but no one can talk to the snowman apart from the kid and he brings his man up and he's like the snowman's

me dad and the snowman's just like sounds naughty that way none of this me and then they all think the kid's

losing his fucking marbles because his dad's dead, but he isn't. The snowman's really his dad. What happens at the end? Did he come back to life? No, the snowman melts. So he dies. Snowman dies.

Does he not just melt? Yeah. Is it days? Is it when his dad dies twice? Yeah. Fucking Merry Christmas. Muppet's Christmas Carol? Yeah. Classic. Oh, come on. What do you watch Muppets Christmas Carol? Yeah, classic.

Oh, come on. What do you watch on Christmas Day, Dan? Muppets Christmas Carol. Is that what you go for, yeah? Seneca Watch has gone with the wind. All of it, for like 15 hours. Shrek's a Boxing Day film, innit? Shrek's good for Boxing Day.

I love it. Any animated... Shrek's a bit of a Christmassy film, weirdly. I like to watch Toy Story on Christmas morning, after The Simpsons. Problem is, I've got a three-year-old in fucking Disney+, so we are just constantly in animated films and do them on the regs i think i literally need it to be a full-on this is about christmas

muppets christmas carol is yeah oh my god classic have you miracle on 34th street gourd film the new one oh well there's the old one and there's one in the 90s there's one in the 50s as well 90s is the one I'm thinking of yeah with with the

Sir Richard Attenborough yeah when he does the thing and the the kid's deaf and the mum's like oh is the mum deaf as well

yeah she was like oh my god she won't understand because she's deaf. And then he goes, oh, it gives like a really sympathetic look. And then fucking, what are you saying, lad? How are we? Does the fucking sign language.

Yeah. Makes me cry. Did you ever? That gets me that bit. When you were at school, do you know what this is? Ta? Ta? Ta. Isn't it any of the shite?

It's like the most retarded rock, paper, scissors I've ever seen. We got all the school that was, please, will you fuck off? Good teacher, that one, wasn't it? Yeah. Do you know what the best thing school was? When they wheeled the telly in for Christmas. And everyone sat together, but all the classes sat together for that one. You'd put all the classes together and you'd watch a film together.

Oh my God. And teachers were like, these little bastards will not concentrate for more than eight minutes at a time. Get them all in the fucking hall, stick a film on. Is it educational? Do you not think it's mad that like, you know when you're a kid, Get them all in the fucking hall. Stick a film on. Is it educational? Oh.

Do you not think it's mad that, like, you know when you're a kid, your teachers are, like, omnipotent and omniscient, aren't they? Like, they know everything. They seem like oracles. They seem so, like, beyond, like, anything you could ever possibly reach mentally and self-evident.

They're just superheroes, aren't they? They know everything. Yeah. And then I've got so many mates now who are teachers who will do cocaine until three o'clock in the morning on a Sunday night and then go, they'll be like, we'll just play footy on Monday morning.

All those times my fucking teacher turned up and was like, do you want to just play footy today? And they were just on a fucking come down. I thought they were being sad. Do you think they were or do you just know a dirtbag with a PGCE? Yeah.

I don't think, because I know you've said that story before, and I feel like it's more a reflection of your mate than it is the whole teaching profession. I don't think my teachers were all on a coke comedown. I think a couple of them were fucking borderline sociopaths. Yeah. But yeah, you're right.

Kids are just like, you're teachers and you just, yeah. I'd have loved to see like a hidden camera in the fucking teacher's staff room. Oh, the staff room, mate. Do you remember having to knock on there? When something had gone wrong and remember having to knock on there when you were like when something had gone wrong and you had to

knock on the door and you knew you weren't even allowed to peek in properly yeah you weren't allowed to look in where you at oh

they're all shagging each other in there that's why and they just fuck it as a teacher and you occasionally get like oh Nightingale

you're here aren't you who are you after who do you need I can't speak to Mrs. Bennett please well I'll see if she's available and then you could

hear her be like you could hear if you listened hard enough like Sarah Sarah Nightingale wants you year three

year whatever and you go back to your mate her name's Sarah call her Sarah go ahead you call her Sarah call her Sarah go ahead put your hand on

Sarah I mean Miss that'll be another day to Sarah because she on, put your hand up. Sarah! I mean, Miss! That happened the other day to Sarah, because she's teaching online. Your name comes up on your profile. Ah, Miss, I know your name. My last. Still Miss, though, aren't I?

You can't call her anything but Miss. Where is she teaching, your missus? I won't say the name of the school, but I think it's in Newton-le-Willows. Oh, fuck. Oh, right. Yeah, it's like a school direct kind of thing. Newton-le-Willows is near Chorley? Yeah, she's teaching. Oh. Newton-Lee-Willows. Oh, fuck. Oh, right. Yeah, it's like a school direct kind of thing. Newton-Lee-Willows is near Chorley?

Yeah, she's teaching. Oh. Newton-Lee-Willows is like halfway between Liverpool and Warrington. Is it? Yeah. I thought it was more St. Helensbury, is that right? Oh, I'm thinking of somewhere else. I'm thinking of Clayton-Lee-Woods, I think.

But it's a school direct thing, so she teaches for a year alongside. She's basically learning on the job. Yeah. So she's teaching but not getting paid. She's just there. But yeah, she's teaching now not getting paid she's just there but yeah she's teaching now in a classroom and smashing it

and she's teaching online as well what age kids now she's in year 6 which is what 11 yeah but um definitely old fans yeah

loads of the lads have said that that's exactly what I was thinking yeah year 6 is what 10, 11 11

now they're a bit young for that aren't they give that another 2 years and they're a bit young for that, aren't they? Give that another two years, and they're just full. I was wanking when I was nine. Fucking hell, mate. Talking about kids here. I wasn't wanking. Well, I probably was wanking over kids when I was nine.

Oh, my God. But yeah, one of the kids said to her, Miss, Miss, John thinks you're a fantasia. And she just went, well, nice one, John. Like, you tried to embarrass his mate. Yeah. Sheasia and she's went so well nice one john like you tried to embarrass his mate yeah she's like oh okay nice one did you have any uh hot teachers yeah yeah and they were all teachers one of my old teachers listens to this podcast who and she was attractive as well miss wingate oh oh yeah matt's one yeah she was my sixth one like she was like the fifth teacher and i know for a fact she listens

to this because she's like comments on miss patterson was the one miss wingate were you yeah blonde one um i don't know what she taught i think she was like a kind of jack of all trades every subject one yeah she was the one though and there's a couple of re ones wasn't it my ma wanted to shag my teacher in year five. Fucking hell. Get that report card up. Mr. Arnold, that's what his name was. And I was like his... I was a little shit in year five.

I wasn't a little shit that much in school, but in year five I was, and it's because he was dead sound with me. And me mum and dad had split up a couple of years before or whatever. And me mum, I heard her a few times talking to people that she fancied me teacher. And obviously in year five, you just have one teacher for everything, don't you?

She told a few people. What, the other parents? No, like, it makes... Hey, honestly. It makes the difference. Listen, before they all come out, and I'm like, Belle's about to go, just let, who do you know, tell Mr. Arnold that Mrs. Ro is into it. Rowy Bags.

I want to get little Rowy Bags. I want to get little Rowy bags. I want to get his grades up. And that's not the only thing I want to get up. Is there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I was implying. I remember one time. Ah, Adam, morning.

Come in, sit down. No need to do work. I'm feeling fucking relaxed. He was a handsome chap like Mr. Arnold. Would you take good grades from him to shag your ma? What? Would you let him shag your ma if you got good grades? Look, my mum was a grown woman,

and if she wanted to get herself some pipe, she was more than welcome to do so. It's a fucking brutal rumour to go round, though, innit? Your mum fucks Mr. Arnold! That's not good, is its Mr Arnold that's not good is it no that's not good

yeah I'd have asked her not to tell anyone in the class life these little things innit not a conversation you really want to

have with your mum listen are you going to fuck or are you going to fuck but don't tell Jonathan Peterson what a random

fucking person to reference he's a fucking nightmare old JP you've got called JP as well he's a real person Jonathan Peterson

I don't know what happened to him I haven't seen him for years it'll get back to him this'll get back to him it will yeah we were talking

the other night like there was there's certain people from school who I've just never heard of since but you live near where you

went to school yeah and I've tried to find some of them on Facebook and some of them are just gone. There was one lad who we won't name.

I mean, gone. Yeah. They just don't have an account. Like, they're just not, or they haven't changed their profile picture since like 2012. I mean, a couple of years ago, you'd be like,

who doesn't have a Facebook account? Now when people are like, yeah, I don't do Facebook, I'm like, oh, good. The only reason I'm on there is to like, I don't know, just'm like oh god the only reason i'm on there is to like i don't know just keep connected to people who put gigs on there and a few family members you have to have no feel like to have no social presence on the internet is a bit odd isn't it

yeah yeah you've got to have an account you don't have to use it but you should have an account so people can be like hey just to let you know i dog's dead. So wait again, there's such a few people. Is that what Facebook, that's what Facebook has been diminished to? Listen, there's a funeral coming up. Yeah, it is now. Anyone from your school died yet? There was one lad who committed suicide. I had a fight with him about six months before as well.

Not saying they're related. Do I know this one? Jesus Christ. No, that was in little school. Oh. He topped was in little school oh isn't it he topped himself in little school he topped himself

a few years later I think but I had a fight with him in little school good yeah rough I wish this was bullshit

but it's not yeah I had a fight I remember that as well we were playing tag rugby you know where you'd have the fucking things on your pants and you have to try and take them off.

Yeah. And he just started a fight and I absolutely twatted him. And then I got detention because he came way off. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then a few years later,

I found out he's a... Oh, fucking hell. Yeah. It's a coronation street. Yeah. yeah and then a few years later I found out he was a oh fucking hell yeah intercontinental street yeah it's been as weird as we thought it'd be

yeah but no we're quite young aren't we it's quite a yeah a lad from a lad from my class died nearly I'm fucking old aren't I

yeah thanks mate we've known somebody who would in Manchester's pleasure like what we know a lot

oh yeah there's a couple of kids from our school who've gone to prison there's a lad who was best made to go to prison for armed robbery he fucking robbed

a shop with a shotgun Jesus Christ my strike partner when I was in the school football teams doing doing 30 years my strike partner When I was In the school football team Was doing Doing 30 years

My strike partner Yeah He was fucking quag No like So when you play football And you've got like a Someone with you You're close aren't you

You're mates Yeah but no one says Just a mate from the football team No it wasn't though It's my strike partner It was the school team It was two years You're not fucking

Emil Hesky And he's not Michael Owen. If anything, I'm Michael Owen in that partnership. All right, okay. Heskey was underrated, you know. Good. Just, nope. That was you just going, and you're done, pal.

Anyone gone to Nick from your school, Dan? No, guys. Really? Are you sure, Dan? No, guys. Really? Are you sure, though? No. Oh, there's quite a few from Asley. No. Hut and grammar, no.

No, I mean, I've not heard of anyone. We had one lad that was in a year above us, sold a computer game that he'd programmed to a... I remember that. I remember the assembly and they were like, he sold his company for £1.2 million. He'd sold the rights to the game that he'd developed. And everyone was like, give him a big round of applause.

It's an incredible achievement. There's literally a whole fucking assembly of kids going, cunt. In school? Yeah, he would have been... This would have been this would have been when I was in fourth year

year 10 and he must have been in his last year of school and he he developed a computer game I think it was a football manager game I'm not 100% and he'd

got it to the point where a computer game company had bought the fucking thing so he was a millionaire in school yeah and they did it in assembly and he was just like

a geeky kid. And we had to give him a round of applause for the achievement. And I remember just looking across the line of my mates going, fucking wanker. We could make a computer game, couldn't we? Should we fucking do it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you ever try and make anything when you were in school?

Did you ever try and invent anything like that? I tried to go on robot wars once yeah you told us that have I yeah put a cardboard box on a remote

control car put a knife through the front are you still fucking that is quite a regular story as well

it's the same as the one that the teacher that's had cocaine did you build it in the loft did you get him done

get him a beer let's get him going again he's starting to do greatest hits weren't you involved in a sky one he's doing real he's trying

he's trying that's the reason when the when the teacher cocaine one came up before I was like Oh my head's up Shall we have a break?

Yeah Right we're gonna go If I never sat here for long enough You'd hear me thought Today's podcast is sponsored by SupremeCBD.UK Go and check them out. They're one of the biggest and most trusted sellers of CBD oils in the UK.

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at SupremeCBD.UK. Fuck, I cannot say that company name one more time. SupremeCBD.uk Don't be a Tory. Down your table shandy and tell a friend. This is Have A Wad. And Danny Nightingale and Rowey Baggs are back. Danny Nightingale.

Feels weird when people call me that. Why? That's what I got called at school. Danny. Oh, were you Danny? Yeah, yeah. Did I become Dan because of McLaughlin in the comedy circuit? Because that's what I know it as.

You're Dan and he's Danny. Yeah. No, I just got to college and I just wanted to be called Dan. I don't know. You know when you're young enough that you're like, new college, new me. I'm just going to be a totally different person. I can be anyone I want. What are you going to be called Dan. I don't know. You know when you're young enough that you're like, new college, new me. I'm just going to be a totally different person. I can be anyone I want.

What are you going to do, Dan? What are you going to do? I'm going to call myself Dan. Danny no more. Anything else different? No. Just be a little fucking bell-end Cardinal Newman. Yeah.

I watched the rap battle earlier. Just want to give a shout out to Shuffle T and Marlo. It was a two-on-two. I don't know how much we've spoke on the podcast about how into rap battles I am. Yeah, it gets mentioned. Yeah. Carl likes them as well.

But there's a battle. So there's two lads called Shuffle T and Marlo, the proper posh middle-class lads, and they were just the best two-on-two partnership in world battle rap. They're from Sussexsex or something i don't even know but like proper posh lads but they work so well as a team and they battled uh caustic and dirt bag dan who are two americans in a two-on-two dirt bag dan dirt bag dan what a

fucking cool name but they're both called dan and like obviously in rap battles name flipping and having to go to someone's like alias it's like a big part of it and uh because they're both called dan they use that and it's so interesting he says like it's dan and dan and even the and in dan and dan is an anagram of dan so really it's Dan and an anagram of Dan, a.k.a. Dan, Dan, Dan. And this fucking crowd full of black people in America are like, Whoa! Mind blown. Dirtbag Dan.

I wish I'd come up with a comedy name before I started. What would be your rap battle name? I don't know. Dirtbag Dan. Dusty Dan. Dusty Dan. What's Dusty Dan? That'd be your rap battle name. Eh. Dusty Dan. Dusty Dan. What's Dusty Dan? I think you can wrap that on him.

Eh? Dusty Dan. Why Dusty? Why am I taking offence to that? Why is that annoying me? You're a dusty bitch. What? Dottie. Dottie Dan?

Dottie Dan. I know, I might wrap that on him and me. Yeah, I think when you asked me the question, I felt like you had a direction for this. What is it? Vinnie. Oh, my God. How is it not Rowie Bags, you fucking bellend?

You've literally been dropping Rowie Bags 19 times in the first section. Everyone's like, it must be building up to something. What would your rap battle be? Vinnie. Because I was going to be called Vincent. It can't be Rowie Bags because they don't call me Rowie Bags. So, no one would know what to say to me, if that was my name, because they don't call me.

Your rap battle of name would be Vinnie. Yeah. Fucking nonce. Vinnie Bags. That's why they do call me Vinnie Bags. You got some questions. Get this train even near the tracks. Okay.

This is from Laura Nish. Oh! Nish-o! L-Nish. Laura. L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la- Five years? All that pussy? Yeah, I think there was a subtle way of going about this question. I just stood on it. You've got to go in a woman's prison. If you were the only man in a woman's prison, you'd be having...

Five years? Five years of non-stop orgies. No, it's not. You're not allowed to fuck in prison. And you don't think they do? No, they do. But I'm saying, you're not going to be able to just go in someone's room and stay the night. So the would you rather is...

So you don't even have to cuddle? You get to get off? Come on. So basically it's one... Wouldn't it be funny if you went to a woman's prison and you ended up being someone else's bitch? You would be though. Big Linda.

Big Linda likes little Vinny. I'd be... I'd be... I'd be like... Use they'd be like use your words go on go on no I reckon I'd do alright

in a women's prison this is how you see on the throne in fucking E-Wing yeah I'd be like doing like

live Tinder like no just making them walk past your cell door no okay girls okay and you'd have

a little organiser, a little Carlette, trying to fucking organise them outside the door. Listen, he honestly opens the door. You've got to stand there and if he says no, you've just got to walk to the left.

That's how it goes. The only reason... If he likes you, go right to the canteen and he'll see you in there. The only reason I'm not married to a supermodel is because they've got other options.

Oh no, that's not bullshit. That's factually correct. But if there's a supermodel in prison and I'm the only man in there, they haven't got any options, so... Is that how you see women's prison? Just you and a load of babes? Yeah. Most of them are going to be, like, fucking smackheads.

The amount of supermodels that are serving time in HMP fucking Newtonly Willows where you'd end up... Oh, my God, dear. They're always... They're always... They don't have to all be shift models. There only has to be one.

What if she doesn't like you? She's got no choice. She has. Big Linda. Like, I'm the only fucking... I know someone who's been to a... Ladies! Prison.

Really, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What for? And took a girlfriend for the time. Really? Even though she's straight? Yeah. She went and got some.

Like, if I was a gay, I... A long stretch. I think she did a year and a half. Wow. Two years. I love prison, mate. Like, I'm so interested in it. Yeah.

And was quite open about it. But she is quite open anyway. she's just a big character and uh she's very she's so funny she like you know of all the people you know that aren't comedians from the real world she would fucking be amazing for 20 minutes on this podcast i wouldn't want to give her a whole episode just in case it went mental. But she's just funny as fuck. Like, really open. And she, yeah, she told everyone, yeah. She was like, yeah, I had a girlfriend.

Fuck, I was in their ages. Yeah, but I don't even understand why single women don't just all les off all the time. He's on such a different fucking path to you. I think he's talking, you know with that nine-year-old Adam Wankin, I think

we're about to find out some of the fantasies. No, no, no, because I don't want to kiss men. That's fucking weird for me.

Just saying. Why don't girls let us off all the time with like the windows open, the curtains open? I don't get it. I'd like that.

I don't know why they're not into it. All I'm saying is I laughed out of poo. Oh'd like that. I don't know why they're not into it. All I'm saying is... He laughed out of poo. Oh, fucking hell. Yeah, but women are beautiful. Men aren't. Yeah.

So, I don't know how the... Isn't it amazing the way that attraction works? Because if it was just straight down the line, who looks good, who smells good, who's nice to the touch, there'd be far more lesbian women yeah but

women are like straight women are like yeah you big honk of man yeah like men aren't attractive some are no but like in general

I mean we're not but some are in general like just hairy chubby sweaty smelly bastards and women like it.

I'd rather be gay though. Like if you could choose, I'd be gay. Suck a bit of dick and play FIFA with your mate. Yep, that's the gay scene summed up, isn't it? Have you ever been to Pride? It's just one big FIFA session. Just literally, just drag queens smashing FIFA. Oh my God, who's your strike partner?

It's Gloria! You're right. So anyway, one year in man's or five years in women's? Five years in women's. But you can't just smash poon all the time. You can't. What's stopping me? So you're taking four more years just to have sex?

I wouldn't want to come out. I'll do life if I'm the only man in an all-women's prison. I'm worried that if I went to an all-men's prison, I'd end up as someone's boyfriend. You know? That's my worry. I've not been working out. No upper body strength.

You know? I think you'd switch upper body strength you know i think you i think you got very light out of there yeah i think you'd switch in prison you know do you think yeah i think you've got an inner darkness an inner darkness yeah would it um yeah i'd be a little bit worried i don't think he meant you're black on the inside I think he meant you're a bad person I meant like there's some like there's some

inner darkness what up there's some violence in there I think if you need to be I mean you're a gentle giant but then if you

yeah I'm not giant though am I I'm just gentle that's just that's someone's bitch innit do you reckon you could

kill someone yeah like if someone broke into your house should have thought about that Like, if someone broke into your house... Should have thought about that for longer. If someone broke into your house, could you kill them? If they were trying to kill you and Lorda and I?

Well, physically, there's question marks, innit? No, let's just suspend the belief. Is there a murderous... It's someone your height, but they're like two stone lighter. And they've got a knife, but you've got a bigger one. So there's someone that's five foot eight and not that,

you know. Yeah. Yeah. So a non-threatening murderer. Yeah. To be fair, the murderous intent, it's not like,

I've been working out so much, I just want to kill a family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. There's two things. One,

I wouldn't need to, because Laura has it. If she literally, here's the door, she's like ready for her she's ready for murderers all the time because she's mental it's great and i think she's got it within her but yeah i think i think if it came down to it i mean don't get me wrong i try and avoid it i don't i'm not going straight for the kill but if it's clear that there is a psychopath who's who's trying to kill etta and

laura i'd first defend etta and then see where laura was and then you know if she can get behind as well but yeah i think i think every i think everyone's got that in them haven't they yeah protection yeah definitely yeah i think i mean laura's definitely got it because i've just seen her in day-to-day life if If you just press that button of like, if you threaten my baby, if you threaten my baby daddy, she goes all fucking Nottingham and rough. And then she's got that darkness inside her

where I'm like, it's just beneath the surface. It's the sort of maternal, protective rage. Yeah, I think she's got it. So I think I just have to stand behind her. I reckon if someone tried to rob me telly, I could fucking... I think you could go into someone else's house and kill her.

Yeah. He was coming at me! He was coming at me! He was in his bed! Wow! Preemptive strike! Fucking weird eyes! I didn't mean that like that.

I don't want to spend five years in prison. So you're taking a year in the mans? Yeah. You're getting bummed, you. No, I reckon he'd step up. Andy Dufresne style. Yeah, I'd help everyone get the GCSEs. Yeah.

Even though mine aren't that great. I'd do a podcasting seminar. you could be Andy Dufresne and I'll be Morgan Freeman I'll narrate the prison yeah in Kevin Webster's voice you're bogs I fucking knew

when Andy walked in that is the most crowbarred Kevin Webster in the history of Kevin Webster I knew I knew when he came in that he was going to struggle every day

he killed the burglar he didn't do it for Sophie he didn't do it for Rosie he did it for Aja if Michael Lavelle's watching this please get in touch he isn't though is he you never know.

Thank you, Lauren Ish. Yeah, Lauren Ish, shout out. Next question, Ben Hopkins. Benny H, hop on. What are you having for tea? Is that it? Yeah, that's the question from Ben Hopkins. I'm going to guess.

I've got a two-shot. Something, though. Something. What? You need something, don't you? This isn't straight from podcast to gig because you'll be like right

I'm doing the gig it's Kevin Webster I won't eat before my first gig what like I I've already had today we had a fucking

massive brekky and a little brekky in the week get on me erm I don't normally eat when I'm hungover. Right.

Until late at night, and then I want everything. Yeah. So I don't think I'll eat until post-late show. I think you need to eat. I'd have a tactical pasty if I were you. Yeah. Why?

I'm all right. All right. I might get a griller later on, all that meaty grease. What are you having, Dan? What are you having for your tea? I've got some steak in. I've got one of them, like, stone griddle pans.

Really does pretty nice steak. I've been on an absolute meat trip recently. Have you tried that Johnny Bongo meat yet? No, it's still in the fridge. I bet it's not going to get eaten. It's so annoying. It goes hard at days. I'm like the 17th. If you're not going to eat eaten. It's so annoying. It goes out of date. I'm like the 17th. If you're not going to eat it, I'll have it.

Don't throw it away. Eat it, Dan. Well. It's honestly. I'm going to get round to it. You loved it, didn't you, Cal? It's a Laura cooking job. It's not a me cooking job, that.

Yeah. Sounds really bad, but. Yeah. I like making food that's, like, that sneaky, that's why I like steak. You put the chips in the active fry you get the fucking pan hot bang bang bang it's all done in 15 minutes 20 minutes i like that i'm such a lazy cunt with food preparation and and people will be like what

you think that's food prep making steak and chips and chopping up a bit of... That is me really trying. I can't do any more than that. I feel like I've not progressed much from when I was at uni and when we were just like, oh, God. And you just run out of food and you just have... For tea, you'd have, like, Jacob's cream crackers with flora. But, oh, I'll do. Pathetic. But, yeah, bit of steak.

Sirloin. Next question, lads. This is from Anonymous. I know. What's your name as Anonymous? No T at all. Nonny. No T.

Nothing. No? Okay. Nonny. It's kind of a have a word. Are we okay to? Yeah, man. It's changing up.

I think he's in a perfect place to give advice. Yeah. Well, Lids, if... He's written this so scouse. I love it. If you just do this one, can you keep my name

out of it, please? Anonymous, of course. My best mate, Michael, has a sister who is a serious nine out of ten. Hottie.

Serious nine out of ten. She's fit as fuck. Another mate of ours Has been secretly Going out with her Since the start Before the start Of lockdown

So most of the year Yeah Fucking hell And now wants to Come clean with The name But he said Anonymous

So on say But he is Overly protective Of her And he's already said He doesn't want Any of his mates To get with her

Tell him he's being weird And surely having want any of his mates to get with her. Tell him he's being weird, and surely having one of your good mates shag your sister, it's better than some weird cunt. So, they've got a tetchy mate who's got a hot sister. Yeah, fit sister. And he's protective of her, and then one of their mates has been going out with her for now nearly nine months before first lockdown.

So yeah, nine months. Yeah. So most, I mean, at nine months, it's a proper thing in it. Yeah,

certainly should be. How the fuck have they kept it secret for nine months in a lockdown? That's quite in. That's quite sneaky. Like impressive sneakiness. It does sound like that they needed to keep it quiet though because fucking insecure McInsecure. Doesn't want anyone banging his sister.

Would you let someone shag your sister? No, when you're young. Let someone. He's not stopping. You know what I mean? A friend. Yeah. If you had a fit sister, could I shag... Let someone. He's not stopping. You know what I mean? A friend. Yeah. If you had a fit sister, could I shag her?

No. Why? No. Why? Are you getting annoyed about an imaginary sibling? Yeah. Yeah. But it's true.

It is true. When you're younger, it is a bit like, that's my fucking sister, lad. Could you just bang one of the other three and a half billion women out there? Could you do us a favour? But there is good reasoning to that.

Our mates sound, they're a nice couple, why is that not, why is it preferential to have some other weirdo who could be a scumbag, could be cheating on her, could be cheating on her, could be horrible. There's nothing fitter than a fit sister when you're young as well.

Like someone's fit sister's like super fit, aren't they? Yeah, it's like, they don't even have to be fit to be fit. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? You can be like a six and you're a nine. Yeah, but it's naughty. It's taboo.

It's because you know 38 people in your whole world, innit? Yeah. You basically know that many people are like, oh my god Somso's fit and she's fit yeah

you don't not been anywhere but when you're an adult you can just go to bars and although this year been of a bit of a dog shit year for meeting anyone

why can't I shag Katie your sister Katie I haven't got a sister called Katie yeah but if you did if I had a sister your sister's called Katie

after this isn't she it's changed did you forget who had a sister then no no no no I invented a sister for him

and gave her a name and gave her my sister's name like Jonathan or something Jonathan yeah so why can't I

bang your sister what's the beef because I know you yeah but I'm a nice lad no I know you're not I am what do you mean

he loves Christmas I'll treat her dead nice and if he goes down he's going to a women's prison I am. What do you mean? He loves Christmas. I'll treat her dead nice. And if he goes down, he's going to a women's prison. It's a good lad. With all the supermodels. I'll run her a bath.

I'll stroke her hair. Can I shag your dad? Yeah. Why have we got back there again? Why have we got back there again? It's literally because he's got so... Why didn't you go brother? He's got a brother. Why go dad? You can shag her if you want to. It's the, it's literally because he's got so, why didn't you go brother? He's got a brother. Why go dad?

You can shag him if you want to buy family. Nah. Yeah, the anti-coward. But you do, you do, I do get why the lad is,

is, is, is tetchy. But it is part of growing up being like, she's a fucking adult. You can't be like, oh,

you know, if my sister-in-law, if you're in like, high school. Oh, well, yeah. I mean, if she's eight years old, then yeah, she's in like high school. Oh, well, yeah. I mean, if she's eight years old, then yeah.

She's got every right. I mean, legally. Leave my sister alone. Why? You're being touchy. She's in fucking kindergarten. I'm going to guess these are probably late teens, aren't they? Maybe early 20s.

Otherwise, you just fucking get over it, don't you, when you're 28? Oh, mate. Raj mates are such a fucking pain in the arts aren't they we're just like when you just want to go to your mate like nothing's happening it's not a problem stop causing fucking drama you can't stop you see it your sister's seeing someone even if it is your mate you don't get to be like right you're my friend and these are the rules of our friendship you don't get to do that raj mates are such bellends they're always the ones that start fights on a night out.

Just have a fucking night out. Yeah, well, that lad was doing this. Who gives a shit? It's just another lad. Leave him be. Yeah, man. He's got to chill out. It's all on that guy, innit?

Yeah. This kid, his mate needs to probably chill out. Especially if this lad's sound. If he's in our bed, then. He's going to have to come clean and deal with it. And this guy's going to have to, have to just accept that it's happening. And don't shag his dad, and don't shag his imaginary sister. Let's draw some fucking boundaries.

Finn, you got any siblings? You've got two. How old's your sister? Can you give him the mic? Oh, Finn's on the mic! Hey! Ladies and gents, Finn's on the mic. My sister's 19.

Yeah, is she fit? Can I shag your sister? If you want, but... Oh, Finn's on the mic. My sister's 19. Yeah, is she fit? Can I shag your sister? If you want, but... Oh, that's not... See? He's only been here a week and he's already a better man. I'll do anything to get the job. I'll shag you if you want.

I honestly think industrial tribunal, that'd be a fucking great thing. If Finn just disappears for a month and then all of a sudden we get a court summons, you're not allowed to say that to an intern. Can I fuck your sister? That really does breach the professional intern

sort of relationship. He said, yeah, no backs. So, does your sister watch or listen? No. No. No.

Yeah. So she won't. Well, mine does. So let's jog the fuck on. Katie, I hope the pregnancy's going. Can I shag your sister? No one can. I'll use lube.

Shush. Bad man. Look how nervous he's gone. I just said, you're making my fucking wig itchy. No. Fuck. What's he saying? No. Send me bald. I'm going to pass out, you know. Okay.

Let's get Rob Mulholland on the fucking couch. Well, this has been one of them a lot of fun to do don't know what it'd be like to listen to or watch and uh we've got a very very good mate rob mull holland whose

new stand-up special uh he plugs in the episode we recorded with rob last week uh so we're sort of recording this back to front. His new stand-up special, Back on the Grass,

is out right now. So once you've done listening to his bit of the episode, go and check out Rob Mulholland, Back on the Grass. We'll be back after this advert with Rob Mulholland on the sofa. See you in a sec. What's happening, ladies and gentlemen?

Just before we go into this week's episode of the podcast, I just wanted to let you know we have got a brand new line of merch available. And it's not just the logo on it anymore. We've got some of our favorite quotes on T-shirts, hoodies. We're going to be adding loads more merch lines in the next couple of months. You can find them all at haveawordpod.com. Also, if you're one of our treasured Patreon members, you get a little bit of

discount on them as well check the Patreon pages and you'll find out what your discount codes are we'll see you in a bit enjoy the podcast and for fuck's sake buy a hoodie

welcome back yeah it's not itching anymore yeah yeah all clear welcome Rob Mulholland to the studio

hello we we should have got you in a lot earlier really you've been one of the I agree yeah

but now it's grown so you get more views no this is it I'm fucking happy I have to do after work and like you've got more people watching so brilliant that's true

yeah you've both worn the same coloured top yeah we have come matching I'm basically big airy Dan today is it like a violence against women

day or something yes breast cancer awareness week breast cancer awareness week and I've just come in me fucking yeah with the

Liverpool propaganda yeah fucking Liverpool not England mate you know what I mean yeah I'm only into Scouse breast cancer awareness

not the rest of the fucking country get your fucking Lancashire tit out of here can't give a fuck about your son's tit what but like it does feel like you've coordinated Get your fucking Lancashire tit out of here. Can't give a fuck about your son's tit. What?

But, like, it does feel like you've coordinated it. I know, it proper does, but we haven't, no. And it's also funny that you've probably both thought, no one's going to wear pink. I literally didn't consider what you two would be wearing, I'll be honest with you. I wasn't like, shall we coordinate? What colour scheme are we doing today? Well, I purposefully didn't wear a cap today

because I knew you two cunts would both wear them. Well, I'm a constant there, eh? I purposefully didn't wear a cap today because I know you two cons would both wear them. Well, I'm a constant there, eh? Yeah, I don't anymore. I can't be bothered doing hair anymore. My hair's not gone yet, but it's on its way, so I might as well, I thought, get into the permanent hat now. So when I'm a full bald head, I will do, yeah. I'm not going to cling on.

Like, fuck that. I don't want to look like Freddie Quinn's patchy fucking head. And you know what? It can get fucking sassed 91 seconds No No Right If you want to talk about

Quick into an episode Let me set a little fucking scene For you too Right Last night Hello Last night About midnight

Right I'd had a long hard day And I thought You know what I'm on Have a word tomorrow Long hard day In a lockdown

As a comedian Yeah down the fucking Retweet mines I'm in a cold face In social media Yeah, down the fucking retweet mines. I'm in a cold face. Yeah, I'm really fucking grafting. Grandad, fuck off. I'm at work here making some fucking content. And while you're there, retweet me later this video. Right, so I thought,

oh yeah, I'll watch an episode, right? Get myself in the mood for go on. Oh, look, there's an episode here with my good friend and colleague, Freddie Quinn. Three of my good mates having a podcast together. That'll be lovely. It opens with this fucking cheeky cunt going, oh, do you know, at my wedding,

bloody Rumble Holland sucked off a man. And then you just go, did he? Cool. And that was it. And you just fucking move on. That's the whole thing. Just like, he just went, yeah, of course he fucking did. But like, of every,

I reckon, you're in the top 10 most believable comics who are straight. Do you know what I mean? I think I'm in there with you now. What a league table to get in there. You don't drink anymore.

No. And it's because when you used to drink, things, you know, went a bit hairy. Yeah. So it was plausible in my head that at one point

you sucked a dick. Oh look, right, yeah, I get that but like all I'm asking is in the four years since then fucking drop me a text and go did you suck someone off I think that's quite a hard text to send

I think it's easier to speculate on a podcast and I hope it gets back to that you were amazingly quality you were the drunk I wanted to be at my wedding yeah you were like it was like i was watching you going oh my god that's how drunk i wanted to be like i had to be like oh thanks for coming like all that shit yeah it was a problem at your wedding like stuff stuff got way out of hand like like the full story of it was like it was a basically it was over like five days my experience at your wedding like it started for me like the day before it so we're on saturday because your wedding was a

sunday wasn't it yeah yeah so on the saturday i had gone to pick up my shit from my ex's house sorry you did a sunday wedding yeah because i wanted comedians to be able to come so if you do it on a saturday and it was the bank holiday in may so So it was Monday off. Also, I wanted, because we were getting married in Nottingham, where Laura's from, the service was near Nottingham Forest Ground in what's it called? West Bridgeford. Really nice.

And then the Nottingham Glee, I got on brilliant with everyone at the Glee and Bradley that runs it. And I asked them if they would be my wedding venue for the party, for the meal and everything. And they were like, we're going to have to charge you some money.

And we'd had a couple of quotes for like a proper wedding venue and it's thousands. And they were like, is it okay? We're going to have to charge you just for staffing, £650. I was like, yeah, that's fine. And Bradley, unbeknownst to us, was a wedding organiser

before he was a manager of a comedy club and fuck me did he go to town it was gorgeous and it was a it became out of nowhere

it's not my favourite gig but my god what a wedding venue so yeah we did it on the Sunday for that reason so we could get the comedy club

and comedians there some comedians yeah because you didn't fucking bother not all made it you and Peter Brosh I actually I replied to the

RSVP you know I was like yeah I'll come I actually will yeah I don't remember getting invited no I asked you

it's fine it's alright where we are now makes up for it yeah do you want to do a podcast with me no I fucking don't

where were you five years ago on a Sunday in Nottingham I think the pod will do very well well my wedding was lovely where the fuck

it's all steps that led us here man yeah so yeah on the Saturday Sunday in Nottingham. I think the pod will do very well. Well, my wedding was lovely. Where the fuck... It's all steps that led us here, man. Yeah, yeah. So yeah, on the Saturday, I had gone to my old flat to pick up all my stuff from my ex. So we had broken up like a week previous. We'd been together like seven years,

lived together the lot. So I had done the whole like... You fuck off with your buttons. I'll see your little face. So, yeah, I'd gone to pick up stuff, and it was weird. Like, it was a weird vibe, right? Like, fuck it. Like, let's get right into the depths of this story.

Balls to it. Right, I'd gone round there to pick up all the stuff. We were separating stuff, and she'd been like, oh, we haven't, you know, we never had, like, break-up sex. You know, we never did. So, you know, we never had like breakup sex. You know, we never did. So, you know, do you want her? And that morning I'd just, I'd left like a girl's house and I'd already had that morning.

So I was like, no, it was fucking great because I got to turn her down. And there is no better move as a man than turning down sex. It's such a fucking baller move because I only learned to do it when I was about 28. Before that, I don't think I ever said no. But just being like, no. Trying to think if I've ever said no.

Exactly. Have you ever? Just going through the file effects. When someone's literally like, do you want to? Actually, right, my first girlfriend, who shall not be named because she'd be fuming, at one point said, will you just say no sometimes? Because every time she was like should we have sex i was

like yeah and she was like well you should need you should say no sometimes because it's just you know if if like i feel like i can have it whenever i want so i was like you can because you only want it once a week i'll say no if you ask more i've been waiting a fucking month I'm fucking pent up I've had a fucking advent calendar on the go for this It's like fucking payday loan So she was like Rob put that IKEA furniture down Yeah yeah Put down the box the crockery

Put definitely maybe down I want you to just Turn that down And I left that and I was fucking buzzing But my car was full of all my shit Everything I own went into a car which was depressing, right,

into my old fucking Astra. So I packed that up and I drove to my mate Debsey's house in Southport to see her because she was coming to your wedding.

So I picked her up and I stayed there overnight and we got hammered. I drank a whole bottle of whiskey that night. So I wake up about fucking two in the afternoon or something.

We panic. Luckily, I'm not invited to the day do. Very small day do. This is Freddie's bitch as well. To be fair, the rest of the story is why I wasn't invited to the day. The thing is though, no one wants to be invited

to the day. No, it's not the fun bit, is it? Oh God, can I watch you and your wife do a play before you get pissed do I have to make idle small talk with grandparents

and in-laws and then definitely have to buy a present if you turn up at the night do you're like I brought fuck all

and my dancing shoes I think I bought you a Jager bomb I think that was my present but yeah I turned up late and like so to the night do even so I was like on that up late and like, so the night do even. So I was like on that catch up

and like, that's the most dangerous when you're drinking in it. When you're like trying to catch up, that's when it always got out of hand. Because you can't catch up, you just go past, don't you?

Yeah, because like Lemmy said, you know, Lemmy from Motorhead, like God rest him. Gone, gone exactly at the right time. It wasn't a tragedy.

It was like, done. Gone too late. Fucking result. So he said, done. Gone too late. Fucking result. So he said, right, with drinking, it's not how much you drink. It's not what you drink. It's how fast you drink it. And I think that's totally true.

Like, you just get shit-faced if you smash it dead quick, innit? So I'd done Jaegers and whiskeys and, like, you fucking saw me. I went past everyone. Well, the wave becomes a tsunami and then you're gone, don't it? I was gone like uh as freddie fucking said boringly i spilled some red wine on his shirt because i was twerking on him sorry for being fun freddie i probably i i probably only covered up a gravy stain that was already there i don't think it was that much i want to change my t-shirt

what happened here is this is just like if, I don't know, the Nazis. Fuck off. Freddy's analogies. All over the shop, aren't they? That should be his YouTube. You know, Freddy's like constantly

looking for his YouTube show that's going to be the thing. It should be, and we love Freddy, but that should be his show, Freddy's analogies. It's likeies it's like it isn't some of them land and they're beautifully done if you haven't checked out the freddie quinn

episode it's it's one of our favorites and he he put a perfect analogy in that episode about uh when dating is like a car park i won't ruin it go and check the freddie quinn episode out if you haven't seen it twice a day and he's and he is a fucking stop clock with his analogies. It's less of a clock, though, and more of a calendar. It's like... Like a fucking Stonehenge. He's just like the 12th of December written on a thing. It's like, once a year.

That's right. So, yeah, I need to put in context how pissed pissed i was like i'm full-on like wobbly all over right and i don't i remember fuck all after about half an hour at your wedding right and look i'm like newly single like my will's just flipped over i'm like completely on that like my life's in an astra like yeah like adam a couple of months ago you know when you had that twitchy mad energy where it's like it's all good but fucking, where you get that sort of mental release, so I had that, and I was like, you know what, I'm at a wedding, fuck it, yeah, I'm having some drinks, you know what, go mingle, and right, like, I don't remember this, but apparently, I was with my mate at one point, and I went, you know what, I might

go, you know, go talk to her over there, and I went onto the dance floor, and then I came back, and I said, I can't go over there again so um no idea who that was apologies to anyone from dan's friends or family laura's mom could have been could have been because i was on a fucking tear so i get shit i remember nothing like you know like nothing nothing drunk like it was one of those where like hey you weren't on your own by the way no no just if anyone's watching god robin, Rob, it's Dan's only. I won't name the comedian, but someone got so pissed and then went a bit predatory. Someone that we know in comedy that cannot be named

at one point was just doing this and I was like, oh. And I was like, you know, it's your wedding. I was like, what's up, mate? And he's like, oh, just want to come on a tit. I know who you mean. I know who you mean and I don't know who you mean, but I know who you mean. Literally. I know both the come on a tit. I know who you mean. I know who you mean and I don't know who you mean but I know who you mean. Literally like

I know both the comedian and the tit. It was the closest I've ever got to being like this is my special day and there's things I don't want to deal with. Shepherding a new comedian

away from an old comedian. I reckon I'm going to be dead chill On my wedding day you know Oh you fuck Oh yeah yeah yeah You know what I mean Cause you just pay someone else

To worry about it And you know like In your white suit Traditions for you to walk around Yeah like Liverpool In 1996 95, 96 Yeah

Versace White Liverpool suits Rolling around like Steve McManaman In a suit too big for him It's more Yeah Robbie Fowler

I'm more like More like his height And same eye for goal. Nope. You fucking rang that off its end, didn't you? Which eye? What? Which eye? This one.

The one that's always looking for goal. This one's always straight and this one's always looking for goal. Mocking a disability. Yeah. That's not hard. I was a fucking open goal. I didn't come here for this sort of thing. Awful this one's always not open. Mocking a disability. Yeah. That's not hard. I was a fucking open goal. I didn't come here for this sort of thing.

Awful. It's God's doing. Yeah, I reckon I'd be really chill on you, wouldn't I? Because the tradition is for you and your missus to go round

and make sure everyone's alright, but it's my day. I'll be over here. Come and say hello if you want to. If you don't want to, just have a pint.

This is how I see you. Like a king, a new king, with people coming round doing tributes. Sire. Like the fucking godfather fucking scouse godfather come over

give me a card there better be fucking money in it and I don't mean coins and you don't even open them you just weigh them yeah yeah

that's what I want you can come to us I'll go and see me real mates because obviously I'm going to invite a lot of people to my wedding I have my wedding in my head we're going to need

the Echo Arena right it's going to be only way you'll fucking fill it lad going to be well pay for everyone's drinks

going to fill it and I want to go and have a little fucking boogie with Carl and that maybe see me bird for a bit maybe see me

bird for a bit I'm the most important day you're on a lucky lady first dance with Carl second dance what are we dancing to lad illegal bird it's for a bit I'm the most important are you on a lucky lady first dance with Carl she's out there somewhere right now

second dance with what are we dancing to lad Illegal Bird it's Show Me Love isn't it Robin S

yeah probably Ferry across the Mersey I will try to fix you Show Me Love by Robin S is a

more scouse song than Ferry across the Mersey yeah fo you've got to show me love I'll break some promises

I've had more than my share yeah I feel like I heard that screeched in a scouse accent at like 2am a lot of times

tiny Tim in a beether and pretty green eyes as well pretty green eyes I fall a sparkle in such light

let me I wish I'd had the chance to go clubbing with Adam. Go on then. So, right, so yeah, like, absolutely shit-faced I'm. I don't remember anything. I know we went out a lot, like, went all around Nottingham. I wake up in the morning in my Airbnb, right, cut to that,

and I'm fully clothed in my, like, suit jacket, jeans, shoes on still, and, like, the Airbnb I was in was just, like, some lads. of that and i'm fully clothed uh in my like suit jacket jeans shoes on still and the airbnb i was in was just like some lads it was just like some lads who were students and i think one of the students had gone home for a week or whatever how much was the airbnb fuck all like i'm talking like sub 20 quid definitely so everything gets suspicious under 25 quid doesn't it like it's only 22 quid like welcome yeah i've had some real ropey ones liverpool is the worst for cheap airbnbs because like they're super cheap but for a fucking reason like really yeah i've stayed in some fucking horror shows but uh yeah so i wake up and i'm like dizzy like dizzy hungover but like there's a knock at my like door and it's these lads and i'm like

there's some people outside for you like my mates have come to call for me oh my god because obviously i'm not answering my fucking phone i don't know if it's even on whatever what time's this on on the monday morning holiday monday midday at least you know like it's i've i've passed my checkout time i've already i've already knocked a star off my review yeah yeah yeah i uh but i can't sign yeah there's like a bunch of uh comics outside and rich massara is sort of takes over as ringleader at this point. He does do that. How are you doing? And there's a photo of me walking out of this house that exists and it's not...

I've seen that photo. It's not a good condition, is it? No. I'm not in primo condition. You look like they've just paid a homeless person a tenner to be in a photo. I'm propping myself up on a wall. I'm like trying to smile, but just, to smile but all the electrolytes in my body We'll get that and slide that in here

We'll find that beautiful Then he goes, so how you doing? And then he goes Well you had a good night last night didn't you? You pulled Did I? Bobby's still got it back in the game Bobby's still got it

And then he shows me a photo of me and, well, I won't name them for a sake, but homosexual comedian and me having a little snog on the dance floor. Oh, there you go. Now, this obviously flips and becomes... It's Chinese blowjobs. Chinese blowjobs. And the rumor got back to me from like loads of other people for months that i've noshed him off is the story and like the insulting bit

there is like why would i nosh him off he's a fucking pro if anyone if i'm gonna let him take over in that scenario he knows what he's doing i'm shit face drunk i'm not gonna be like give that here i'll have a go fucking I don't know whether any of you know the answer to this but like

you know with gay people they have like a postman and a letterbox like some of them just get bummed yeah but this is a proper letterbox of a man like let's be real

like this guy's the fucking post office he's not just he's bright red he's bright red but he's been paying gold after the Olympics he's fucking

he's got ER gold after the Olympics. He's fucking... He's got ER. Top of the fucking tree. So he definitely sucks dick? 100%. Do all gays suck dick, though? Yeah, they must both do both. I think it's rude if you don't even suck a dick. Like, Larry Dean doesn't get bummed.

Yeah, yeah. Some of them are bottoms. Some of them are bottoms. When it comes to using your fucking mouth, it's different. Yeah, you've got to. Everyone can fucking share the love for that yeah if someone mashes you off

and you don't offer to do it but I think that's rude yeah anyway I didn't you don't know I didn't you don't know how it works

and you'll be like oh that's lovely did you death you said you don't remember anything so did you death or not right I don't think I've ever like oh no

I just all I'm saying is it feels like it would be unlikely that I did right I feel like I'd remember it feels like it would be unlikely that I did. I feel like I'd remember it. There might be some sort of residual evidence. And if it did happen, it's a fucking assault. It was fucking shit.

It didn't happen. Can I just say, if you track it back, there's two things that make it really unlikely. If you're so drunk that you give a gay guy a blowjob, you should quit drinking which you have yeah but i love the fact that it has gone around the houses and people have just added their own version of it it's gone via mcferry has gone i'm gonna take this up a notch did you hear about rob malone snogged a man he was dressed as a french maid did you hear about rob they eloped actually to to the south of France, and now they're engaged.

Beacon of gays in Airbnb. Fucking, there's a hard right, isn't it? See, skid right on that fucking corner. So I've got two Airbnb stories, and they're both bad. So one of them was with my ex-girlfriend. We went to the Harry Potter Studios. People say it's in London. It's not.

It's in fucking Watford, which is not fucking London. No, it's got a tube, but it's a fucking long one. Yeah, it's like zone 23. End of the road. And we stayed with a woman who left the back door open all night and I went down for a wee like two or three times and locked, locked

Are you doing a bumhole joke there? I was doing a bumhole joke. Your ma lives in Watford and keeps her arse out welcome to the pod Rob we've missed you she left the back door every time I went down for a wee

I locked the door because I was like you can't let people stay in your house and then leave your fucking door open and also she left her bedroom door open

which felt like she was trying to entice us in for a little fucking you're saying she was asking for it she left the door open what was her manner then no like the mirror was angled was her manner doing no like

the mirror was angled towards her bed as well oh yeah do you know what I mean really weird and the other one in central London

sorry Julie there was an Airbnb that was cheaper than the travel lodge it was like 90 quid

for the night and the travel lodge was like 110 because it was a Saturday or whatever and I'd gone down for like one gig and I was like whatever's cheapest it was in Trafalgar Square it the travel lodge was like 110 because it was a Saturday or whatever and I'd gone down for like one gig and I was like

whatever's cheapest it was in Trafalgar Square it looked lovely I was like fuck I've never done it this was before the Wofford thing as well I've never done it

Airbnb I'll just I'll get that 90 quid looks fucking great you get you know en suite room

it's fucking massive it's someone's flat you're right in the middle of central London and it was a little gay Italian man who definitely wanted to fuck people

and he was just like offering he listed on the thing he prefers male guests and I thought oh he's a man's man he wants do you want a come back throw in and I have a match of the day

what is your opinion on Liverpool's sweet store back three I thought he might want a game of FIFA or something but yeah I did and I got there and of FIFA or something but yeah I did and I got there and he was like oh hi

and I was like oh cool yeah he was like and also I didn't realise sorry that he lived there because on the pictures

it was just it looked like a I didn't realise at the time that you often in an Airbnb you're staying in the spare room

of someone's house yeah yeah I thought it was just people with like a one bedroom flat who rented a house. So I got there and he opened the door. Who lives in Trafalgar Square? He was like, I'll be here all night if you need anything. And I was like, that's just being a nice

host. No. Yeah. Rob, Rob, Rob, he had a fucking, what's the thing you're wearing? A kimono on. And there was definitely nothing under it. You're going to have to give some context. I picked Carl up from his missus the other day and she had a kimono on, but she had stuff under the kimono and it was, you know...

Like katanas. Yeah, he had fuck all on under the kimono and I was there for most of that day and then the next morning and every single time I seen him, he just had a kimono on. He's living a good life. Mate, I honestly

expected way more to come he was wearing a foreign dressing gown a lot I rest my case your honour

I don't know if anyone else listening is thinking it but defo bummer who wears foreign dressing

gowns put your fucking trackies on and get your knob away you're both acting like I'm a fucking idiot. Did he try and touch you? You weren't there. No, but he was

like, you know, he was hinting at it. Like he was leaning on the wall. Leaning in a kimono. You've got him banged to right. His story is about him maybe or not, maybe not getting noshed off or sucking off a man in yours. He was wearing evening wear.

It was the morning, guys. And he kept leaning on walls. He had scrambled eggs for dinner. You freak. You can't tell me that there's not a seductive way to lean on a wall. What you're saying is you wanted to fuck him. You're saying you were seduced. This is what this story is.

You know what? He was leaning in that way where I thought, I've not before, but I fucking might. No, no, no. Look, you both know. You've seen films, right? Was it like a naked handstand? It was like...

He's leaning on the wall. This hand's on his chin. The other one's on his hip. Come on, like loosely tied and he's like so where are you from and I'm like oh Liverpool

he's like on your thing it says you entertainer you're an actor and I was like no I'm a comedian oh funny man

and I was like he was flirting with me in a kimono it just sounds nice oh he wants him to suck me dead and he lives right next to

Nelson's column which is fucking suggest! And he lives right next to Nelson's column, which is fucking suggestive, phallic. Right next to Nelson's column. Hey, do you like all the, you know, surroundings? He lives above Garfunkel's. He was watching Graham Norton! I was abused! Just sounds like a gay man was nice to you.

He was, but he had a look and is that well why has he got men only on the thing it's because he's like i'm lonely because he's misogynistic he doesn't want that period blood attacking bed people are never misogynistic they love women they fucking hate women they fucking do right no because we are speaking a lot For gay people aren't we Well it's about time No no no No like The thing is right White women

I spoke about this On stage a while ago White women Right They proper think They're gay men They're like Yeah I'm the queen

And gay men Fucking hate them Because like Whenever they come Into a gay club All the gay guys Are just like Tourist

Yeah tourist They hate them They fucking They say they're fishy They say they stink of vag you do yeah no one's more no one's more sexist than the gays that's my stance yeah but no no so you're saying he put that on because he genuinely hates women and not because he might want to fuck the occasional man yeah but not you he won't I'm a bear oh my god he's dying to be a bear we got a DM the other day

that I sent to you and it said oh I'd love to fuck you and I couldn't be more obvious that I'm fucking straight could I do you know what I mean you should see his

dressing gown good British hetero dressing gown he's got Thomas the Tank engine on it like a fucking hetero

like a fucking man Thomas the Tank choo choo what's that the train to Vagville they call me Dick the fucking troll got fucking Ringo Starr

narrating you shaggy yeah and I write my sex as Ringo Starr asating you, shaggy. Yeah, narrating me sex work as Ringo Starr. Adam took his pants off and put it in her arse. You're doing more ASMR. Fucking hell. Adam took his pants off, slid deeply into her vagina, just for a laugh. The fucking stroller is doing his

job it's fucking raining do do do do do do do do do do do

do do do do do do do do do do do so anyway I didn't I didn't I didn't suck

him off but what's your dressing going like my dressing I thought I have one, man. Ah, proper headshot. Yeah, fucking lounge pants, man. But yeah, after that, though, I get this story. Oh, my God, we're still doing that story, aren't we?

It's a great story. It's not fucking stopped, man. There's still another fucking... So, yeah, I wake up. I get told that this photo exists. It's all very fun. I'm absolutely delighted that photo exists. It's very, very funny. But I to like get in my car to drive home i realize i don't have my keys because i don't have my jacket which i checked in at the glee club the night before

into the coat room check so i call someone at the glee and they're like yeah that we can't we don't open till wednesday so there's no one there till wednesday so that keys are in there so my car is outside this airbnb in nottingham with literally every possession i own in and i can't get into it so i just fucking got in a car to manchester with these other comics i'm like i don't know what i'm gonna fucking do we're giggling all the way we get to manchester we go see glenn wool he's gigging that night go see him i'll buy a bit little small cane and get going again fucking hammered all right i just fucking you know i can't get to my shit well let's go get on it again we ended up at this weird crack then flat right and like it was a 16th story in salford and like the walls aren't painted there's

no carpet on the floor there's like a couple of like boxes that we're sitting on and we're just like snorting whatever's about someone gave me a dog Valium so I had one of them

so I had a dog Valium when in Rome exactly I was like I'll have one of them hang on yeah wait

erm I've not it's rare that I've stopped in my tracks Yeah Does Valium specifically for dogs? Apparently That's what I got told Look right My details are this

This is about 6am On the third day of this bender So look I might well be Is that for dog depression? No it's for hyperactive dogs You know like on bonfire night Does Valium bring you down?

Yeah it's a downer No it's a downer Oh is it? Yeah yeah yeah So I'm trying to You know I'm on bonfire night. Does Valium bring you down? Yeah, it's a downer. No, it's a downer. Oh, is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm trying to, you know, I'm like heading to, I'm like,

I'm going to need The weirder thing is, is that he took it, not that it exists. Fucking weird, dog Valium. Anyway, you botched that. Botched that,

and then, right, everyone sort of filtered out, and I was just, me and this girl left, right, and, I'm in a condition, I'm feeling confident,

I fucking take a swing. You're feeling chilled out. Anyway, long story short, we ended up trying to shag on a fucking, I'm feeling confident. I fucking take a swing. You're feeling chilled out. Anyway, long story short, we ended up trying a shag on a fucking single mattress in the corridor. This, like, cracked. Oh, my God. And I'm flumping it in.

You know, like, it's not happening. You know, like that. Like playing pool with a rope. Yeah, mate, it's not good. Like a fucking wet spaghetti I'm dealing with. Wet spaghetti. So I just thoroughly disappointed her. And, fucking wet spaghetti I'm dealing with. Wet spaghetti. So I just thoroughly disappointed her. And, like, one of the bleakest wake-ups of my life

was, like, the sunlight coming through the window of me coming to on a single mattress in that place. Rolled out of there. Ended up having another lock-in in Manchester after fucking four days of drinking. At Basnet's place? Basnet's place, yeah. Ended up living there.

Like, we just rolled it through again because I'm like, I've not got any possessions or a home. At Basnet's place. Basnet's place, yeah. Ended up living there. Like, we just rolled it through again because I'm like, I've not got any possessions or a home. So just drank again there. Ended up, yeah, and people are like following this on like Facebook and like, it was just, it became, people were,

I didn't have a phone. I'd lost it. It was in my fucking coat. But everyone's like taking photos and going, we've spotted Rob. And it became this like thing for comedians. I got messages going, do you know

your wedding nearly killed Rob Moorholland he's gone AWOL he's gone like and I was starting this is like the first days that we

were about to go on honeymoon and I'm getting messages going you know what's happened to Moorholland he's noshed off a man and gone feral what was in that

spunk I didn't realise you'd gone back to Manchester I thought you just wandered off into the cunt I thought you were like in Sher didn't realise you'd gone back to Manchester. I thought you just wandered off into the... I thought you were in Sherwood Forest. No, I'd gone back to Manchester and gone rogue there.

Sherwood Forest is not... It's near Nottingham, yeah. Oh, is that real? You were thinking of Sherley? No, I wasn't. I was thinking of Sherwood Forest. Robin Hood. Robin Hood.

Yeah. It's based on a real forest. Yeah, of course it is. Nottingham. I just thought it was fictional for a minute. I thought it was like, you know... Hogwarts. Yeah. No no but yeah basically i just uh yeah i stayed drunk uh got to yeah not i was

in order to get to nottingham as well on the last day when i was like i finally can go to the glee to go get my shit i went to birmingham on the train and i went to get a sandwich i got lost in birmingham missed my train to nottingham god rob right like i was not in a good way and uh yeah and i ended up having to fucking drive back thinking i'd won the same like you know how the view were like i've had the same jeans on for four days i had the same fucking shirt on for five oh you must have so you got from birmingham to nottingham got your car and drove back drove back then and you say you've had to drive to my mum's house because i was staying there now that was where i had to live and you say you've quit drinking drugs since then i have yeah wow yeah what a surprise are you still doing dog valium and i still i will take drugs a couple

of times a year when i'm having fun i don't drink anymore but yeah no that wasn't even it you're a big smoker aren't you have the old yeah i smoke weed i smoke weed every day yeah no like that wasn't even the one but it was a thing of like when i stopped drinking like i thought all my mates would be like why have you done that for literally everyone i told just went yeah good yeah like we've been waiting we thought that might come on it's good to see you know you've got a problem with authority you wouldn't have been told we needed to let you figure this out for yourself there's another full two years of like the biggest chaos of my life before i stopped drinking like that was like the starting pistol on the mad period of my life but two years I haven't drunk for now

Yeah And two years The best two years Of your comedy as well Of my comedy That's not a coincidence is it No it's not Because I actually

Fucking try it shit now I'm not just hung over All the fucking time I was literally like Because that's the thing It's so easy as a comedian Like I wasn't like Like an alky

Where I was like Dependent on it I was waking up every day I was just like a party drunk I was just But all the time You didn't have a drinking problem but you were a problem when you were drinking yeah that's that's a very good way of putting it and like i never i was always the one who's like one more and i was always topping it and i was always like i would

you know i'd never have that kill switch i never had that point of you've had enough go home now rob it's like it's 5 00 a.m I know it's a Monday. Are any dealers going? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah. It's good to see. You could tell in the lockdown in the first one who was, because the amount of hustle from you, there was a point where you were doing

too much content. I was like, God, Rob, you're doing all sorts. You're driving long distance haulage trucks on Twitch. You were doing, you were doing your podcast. You were doing two podcasts. That's not a man who's drinking and doing... Nah, this is it, man. This is why when people

say stoners are lazy, I get stoned and make shit. I fucking do stuff. I just get into it. I'll just go and fucking edit an episode or some shit while I'm out. Vaked and productive. Yeah, man. I'm all about it. I'm an action stoner. I like it. The thing is, in that first lockdown when

everyone was making like content everyone was like right now because it's locked down i've got the opportunity to make all the content in the world and you just realize if everyone does that you've still got as little a chance of it being seen because there's more content totally i'm glad we just for put all the eggs in the basket of have a word yeah because i had so many ideas i'm in a whatsapp group with rob and a few other london comics we're like the two token white guys in that group really oh yeah you're like quotas full plus two yeah it's a similar yeah yeah um and everyone was making loads of content i was like i've got these ideas lads i'm gonna have a words flying so that's great but i'm gonna be doing this this this and and do fucking any of it and i'm so fucking glad i didn't yeah oh i did way too much

and i've wound it way back now and i'm like scaled it back gradually to a point where i'm comfortable but yeah i just like i like making stuff i've got to be doing something like i missed you know like that was the problem with me i'm always i'd always need a buzz i always need something going on like i'm add as fuck so like just channel that into work And just make lots of stuff Can't relate to that bit Everything else is fuck Yeah I know I've seen you two talking about

Whether he's ADD Fucking definitely Am I? I'm not a doctor mate But like Real recognise real Mate like 100% Are you sat there with a Chinese throw and slap?

It's Japanese What am I just fucking talking about? He did it on purpose he definitely did that Yana rest my case no like yeah yeah right right

but like no like you definitely fucking know you lose shit all the time don't you you constantly no like

no no like what happened to that memory card with your special on oh no oh

dropping fire I I dropped that somewhere it's not like I put that somewhere and forgot where it was it was dropped I will come in sometimes and forget to put my keys on the hook but it's in one of five places and I'll find them

is forgetting things, is losing things part of ADD? part of it, what it is is because your brain doesn't form memories properly sometimes if you're not paying attention to stuff which is often so you're almost coasting on when you're doing stand up and you're not thinking about what you're not like paying attention to stuff which is often oh so you're almost like coasting on exactly like when you're doing stand-up and you're not thinking about what you're saying like i have that in my daily life like i'll walk across the room holding something and by the time i get to the other side of the room it's not in my hand that i don't know where

it's gone because i put it down and got distracted by something and not remembered that i've done that i do that a lot there you go right and that's because the focus of the day-to-day stuff your head's attention clicking on a different yeah man because like add is like it's misunderstood because it's like not that i want to be like hey guys here's the issue i have that raising awareness it's been a horrific year but add is not getting the attention you know what it is it's like attention precipice privilege i fucked that way neurotypical privilege is what you call it neurotypical privilege oh really yeah i'm neuro atypical but no what it is is like Couldn't be arsed. Neurotypical privilege. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. I'm neuroatypical.

But no, what it is, it's not that you can't pay attention, it's that you can't regulate your attention. So I pay too much attention to shit that I don't need to, essentially. And there was a point where I was watching an episode where you were like, no, can't be ADD.

I was dead good at school. So was I. So were loads of ADHD people because you can get by because your brain's running fast so you can just pick things up and just do it. when you get to like uni i hit a fucking brick wall where they're like do everything by yourself and learn and i was i don't know what to do yeah yeah yeah so uh not that i can fully diagnose you but you might want to have a little look into it i feel

like add and ibs would be very quick conversations with doctors for me i've shit myself but let me tell you about my nan so i reckon 100 yeah yeah yeah have you ever been like distracted while you're banging someone yeah i have yeah like i've fucking flopped out of people because i've got distracted because you're just doing something else yeah yeah like but like it's um my dick is not long enough to flop out of anyone like it's a it's a big dick issue, isn't it? Like, you're... Regular dick. Look, like, you know, I'm 6'7", but perfectly normal.

All right, okay. Disappointingly, I've got the Shaq thing. You know, like, everyone reckons Shaq's got a little dick. I'm going to stand up for him. I reckon Shaq's got a normal dick, but he's just massive. He just looks fucking... Yeah! Perspective doesn't...

Look at that tiny 7-inch dick. He's got, like, an average dick. Yeah, yeah. Put on a big man So it looks embarrassing Yeah yeah yeah But not embarrassing I wouldn't go that far That's making me like

Not like a button dick But like No I think People expect a fucking Cable reel To be fair Yeah Especially when you say

Flumping it in What's a flump You get fun sized flumps as well Yeah yeah Especially when you say flumping it in. What's a flump? Yeah, it's a bit generous. You get fun-sized flumps as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thank you. I'll be honest, after four days on the cocaine, it's a fucking fun size, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not impressive. And a cold meadie. Um, yeah.

I am, I see when- In my head, I was like, Rob's dick. You know, when you try and pick up a thread, I was like,

where were we? Rob's dick. I was always quite good at that when I thread? I was like, where were we? Rob's dick. I was always quite good at that when I was drinking it, like pushing through and shagging. I was always relatively good at that. I managed most of the time. Yeah, I don't do drugs. Mike, we mentioned this recently,

I think maybe on the Vittorio episode, which if you haven't checked it out, go and check it out. But I don't do drugs. So when I'm drunk, the only problem my dick has, it's open, it's ready to check it out but I don't do drugs so when I'm drunk the only problem my dick has it's open it's ready to go but I just don't finish sometimes

oh that's fucking hard yeah or it takes a while and I know when Vittorio was on he mentioned a one night stand story and I remember seeing on Twitter that you were like I know what story

I've got to tell now yeah and it's not even the one where I suck off a man at Dan's wedding are you sure you can follow your own story? No, this is it, man. That's fucking outright. The thing is with this story is I don't know if this even counts as a one-night-stand story

because I can't confirm that a one-night-stand took place, right? It was an attempted one-night-stand. Who knows, right? I'll fill you in. So I was about 19. I'm at uni in London. I went to Goldsmiths, the art college right not to do art i just wanted to like be around the artsy kids and uh yeah like i saw i'm there is it hard to

get into that uh it wasn't if you're not doing one of the art courses if you're trying to get into art fucking art right that's where tracy emin went you know i know she's your favorite goldsmiths is quite cool isn't it yeah it's quite cool i remember like really hipster you would have mate you would have lost your mind At the art shows My next door neighbour Do you want to hear his final piece It was a video installation

Of him getting bummed Right okay Projected onto a wall Just projecting a video of him What did he get I think he got a first And he was like And he was like

Do you want to come see me show And we all went And like it was me and my housemates And I lived with like a lad from Manchester And like a lad from Kent And we were all the ones Who were like's me and me housemates. And I lived with like a lad from Manchester and like a lad from Kent. And we were all the ones who were like, what the fuck's going on here?

See. We were just like watching this video of him getting bummed. Like, yeah, it's good, mate. Did he bring his parents to the dissertation?

I don't know. It's the show. Bring Nana. You can't tell me a fucking sex tape filmed on a black body is hard. You just can't. Oh no, it was very well shot.

I've got to give it credit. It was really well lit. lit like this wasn't like a phone video this wasn't like fucking kim kardashian's tape the guy the guy wasn't even flumping it in it was really well done oh he was doing a fucking hell of a job to be fair like no no no no uh story though what was like what was his take on getting bummed i can't remember like i didn't i don't think i asked that many questions i think i was just like that's i don't think you need a take on it i think it's more that you've projected a video of you getting bummed as your final statement i think you have to have some i'm with adam on that one it's got to be oh i got bummed oh well well done the the lighting's great fuck off i'm telling you right now i'm now even more against this fucking M and twat, okay?

That wasn't Tracey Eminem. She didn't do that. No, I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that she's not. She's not responsible for my old housemate. I'm not saying that. Stop distracting me, okay? Listen, she went to Goldsmiths, which is the art college, right?

If she'd gone to Liverpool John Moores, no one would have given a shit about that bed. It's because of the school she went to. If she went to John Moores or Manchester Metropolitan or one of the shit unis where it looks like you don't really make an effort, and then she was like, I haven't made me bed, no one would give a flying fuck about it. So you're saying if she was worse at art

and couldn't get into a good art school, then no one would give a shit about her art? Yeah. Or maybe her fucking dad ran the school or something you don't even know it's all who you know there was the there was the emin wing

actually now i think about it it's all who you know she could have gone in for whatever reason and they've literally gone oh well she went to that school so we

must be dickheads it must be good give her that fucking trophy or whatever it's not harvard you know that you have got to be good at art to get in it's not like they do like

check your stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're getting bummed is mad, though. They're getting bummed is mad. And look, I saw loads of mad shit where I was like, fuck off. But, like, you know... That's from Nesbitt. I know, this is it.

Because when I was in, like, in North Yorkshire, where I'm from, I was, like, the artsy, weirdo, hipster lad. But, like, when I moved down to London Art School, suddenly I'm the fucking bloke. You know, like, I was friends with, like, the three people who like footy uh but yeah anyway right so i'm there i'm at goldsmiths and like i just i went out for some drinks at my student union standard weekday night you know complete blackout one of them like a lot of these have happened in my time but a complete tko blackout i wake up in the morning and like have you ever like woken up

with a hangover so bad like you make a noise like immediately when you wake up in the morning and I'm like have you ever like woken up with a hangover so bad like you make a noise like immediately when you wake up I woke up with one where I was like bastard

you know when your foot everything's spinning it's like I do that most days you know oh that like oh man

it was yeah it was like a scared one I'm having to put my foot down on the floor because like my head's spinning so much and I'm looking round and i don't know where i am right i've got to like

get my bearings and like it takes me a little while to stop the spinning i look around and i'm in student halls right but not mine like i could tell it's student halls you know you know the sort of vibe single bed um it's not mine i'm completely bollock naked but like my clothes are scattered around the room but like not all of them i can, I can see like, my trousers, and like, ass sock, and stuff, like, it's all there, and I'm alone, and I'm like, where the fuck am I, what has happened to me, I'm getting my bearings, I'm trying to get settled, and like, the door starts opening, I've just got this little moment, like, slow-mo, where I'm like, like oh the big reveal like a grim blind date absolutely unreal right it's like that moment of tension she walks in and um i don't know right i don't want to

be unkind right what's the what's the polite term for big fat cunt what's the i think we've used quarterback before unit wardrobe i think she was in i think you've went when you've used Quarterback before Unit wardrobe I think she was in the When you've used the phrase big fat corner The tone has been set We don't need a euphemism now She was a fucking offensive lineman Not a quarterback right

She tall She had a lot of volume She was just a Big old unit. Low sense of the gravity. And then there's you. Look, right, a photo of her topless would be described as brave. Right?

I can't believe we're fat shaming on this podcast. It's just everything I've been against for years. And you come in, Rob. It's so against my normal stuff, isn't it? Right. And look, hey, look, right,'t it and look sometimes a bigger girl mum I like mum I like

wasn't what I was hoping for my tactic in this panic moment was pretend I'm asleep I just went back to sleep I was so fucked as well I kind of needed to sleep so before she'd seen I was waiting oh one piece of information i missed out one clue that i was trying to piece together on the bedside uh there was a condom

wrapper and a johnny but no jizz in it right so an attempt has been made but i don't know how far that's got or you try to make a balloon animal and gave up do you want to see a snake i'm at goldsmiths this one's actually about the Syrian war how funny would it have been by the way if you know when you went I'm going back to sleep imagine if she'd just caught you how funny that would be for me I think she did as well

is he awake and you've gone yeah my reactions weren't that quick I definitely think she saw me she said I'm pretending I'm asleep and I fell back asleep she came and got in bed next to me she fucking booked me out of it but i'm fucking shout out to all the sorry uh like thicker peeps i was uh so i'm having like i'm having a little snooze right i'm just like trying to get through this and the door opens again right and singing starts and six people

walk into the room singing happy birthday oh my god they've got a cake they've got presents it's her it's her fucking birthday oh it's her birthday and i'm in her bed naked right it's her big birthday day she's there they sing they come in they all know who i am they all know who i am how are you doing i've got no idea who any one of these cunts is i've never seen any of them before in my fucking life they're all singing they give her a cake she uh she blows the candles out and like they're like oh make a wish but i think you already got it they're all having a joke they'll sit on the bed just at the end of the bed having a chat while she unwraps presents no i'm under covers but is it i was on oh yeah i don't know where my pants fucking are mate i don't

know where they are i've not seen them yet undies on no undies no i'm bollock naked underneath these covers right with them sat on it at the end i don't know who any of them are she's opening presents oh that's lovely thanks this goes on for well it felt like four years but like you know who knows how long it was opens all the present and they're like all right we'll leave you to do it they go off right she's like all right i'm just gonna go uh get in the shower so you know i'll see you in a minute she goes off out of the room to go like you know it's a student also i think the showers are down there down the road so i'm like i'm getting the fuck out of dodge i'm i'm bailing here yeah so i like this is my this is my chance and let's just say at this point i'm 100%

on board with that don't know how you feel it gets worse if i was in that situation i i'm making a bail for the door if she's in the shower especially if she's put a bit of music on you're like i can get out that door but it's a birthday it's a better look i've already ruined it and you haven't even got a present mate i'd already done my best to give her a gift by the looks of it so right so i get i start gathering clothes right i gather what i can and like i managed to get like my jeans on shoes thankfully i could find both shoes uh no socks no pants no t-shirt leather jacket so you've got a leather jacket i've got a leather jacket no top no undies jeans but jeans no socks and like i think i was wearing like um i think i was wearing winkle pickers because it was the early noughties oh nice so i've got very very pointy leather shoes and uh i make my make me break for it right and

but i burst out of her door of her room i'm fucking going they're all there in the corridor they're fucking distracted it right they're all chatting and still and like laughing she's not made it to the god and like the stairs are behind them right so they're between me and my freedom you've got to make a choice in that moment yeah what are you gonna do i fucking rushed the line i went for the blitz oh no i just all right i just fuck it i'm already going i'm like i'm just getting out of here i'm panicked so i just started walking like i walked but like you know that power walk like in the olympics did one of them just fast as I could and I just go past she goes oh I'll I'll give you my number and I just went

I'll guess it and fucking ran and I ran down the stairs awful man he's not awful awful man what would you have done what would you have done

oh my god and you've got to come up with it right now because he I'm in the fucking moment here I don't have time to think she's fucking pressing me but I'll guess it.

It's such a smarmy slam, innit? What would you have said? Rob, it's my birthday and I just think we've made a real connection and I'll give you my number. I'll fucking guess it, love. Just take her number and don't ring her. But in hindsight, I would have done that.

Right, looking back, I agree. I made some mistakes. No, I'm with Rob. Don't give it a chance to open up a new line of conversation and be like do you have to go because we could just one more I don't know who the fuck she is

you've never had a one night stand a line of communication you can't get involved look when you take hostages or you are a hostage classic negotiation tactics is just keep them talking

just he's essentially a hostage a hostage I was against my will he's taking himself hostage because he wants to get out of there and what she wants

as the negotiator great film by the way with Kevin Spacey not too keen on him anymore and Samuel L Jackson right but all they want is keep him talking keep him on the phone negotiator. Great film, by the way, with Kevin Spacey. Not too keen on him anymore. And Samuel L. Jackson. But all they want is keep him talking, keep him on the phone, make sure he doesn't get out of there.

That's what negotiators want. So her going, can I give you my number? She just wants to open that chat up again so she can be like, get back to ours, have a slice of cake, lick me bumhole, it's me birthday. That's what she wants. All he needs to do is, no! Fuck you! I'm out! And I'll guess it what she wants all he needs to do is no fuck you i'm out and i'll guess it is as polite as he needs to be and i will fucking die on this i also point something out

like this is a story about me being too drunk to consent right i'm not the bad guy here i'm the fucking victim yeah him too how you painting this out like oh they were fucking trying to keep you there probably to harvest your organs. I'm very worried that Adam agrees with me. I'll be honest with you. The fact that Adam is so much in my corner is really making me go, no, I was bad. Adam's high ground is not a place you want to share.

No, it's really not. I don't think what you should say. I think you should be in our turn now. I thought, look, in hindsight, I'll guess it was bad. But everything else, I'm panicked. I don't want something going. But yeah, I went in my corner shop and look, in hindsight, I'll guess it was bad. But everything else, I'm padded. I don't want something going. But yeah, I went in my corner shop and like, you know, that corner shop guy, like, he saw me in some fucking conditions

and like, it was a proper one of them. I'm slamming me Lucas aid and my sandwich on the counter and he just looked me up and down and just go, good night. No. No, it wasn't. No idea. It really wasn't. I was taken hostage.

When I lived in my auntie's, I came back from a one-night stand once, and as I walked in at, like, seven o'clock in the morning, and I used to get up early, so she was up, I walked in, and she went, she better be away if you looking like that.

Great slap. That's fucking brilliant. First thing she said, she better be away if you looking like that. Shower, now. You still have fucking leaves in your hair from the bush. Oh, no. How did you bring that up? Are you triggering? Oh,. Shower, now. You still have fucking leaves in your hair from the bush. Oh, no. How did you bring that up?

Are you triggering? Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Am I the dickhead who's bringing up embarrassing stories on this fucking podcast, am I? Fucking unreal. Cheeky, you two cunts.

Oh, God. Let's have a little break and then we'll come back with some bits. Advert from the money, people. What's happening, lids? Today's sponsor is Beer 52. Beer 52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club.

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Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What are we doing? Okay. Almost too slick this isn't it? Smooth. Smooth operator.

Would you rather? Smooth operator. Smooth operator Would you rather Smooth operator It's really weird and ghostly the way you did it Yeah that was eerie Like an asthmatic Casper Would you rather Casper the wheezy ghost

Would you rather get away with lying every time Or always knowing someone is lying Or get away with lying every time Yeah I want to be lying or we or get away with lying every time yeah are you I want to be lied to everyone wants to be lied to

is my dick big no it's alright though thank you yeah I don't want people telling me the truth all the time

can't be fucked with that no they're not telling you the truth no no but like knowing you just know when they're lying that's worse and then you know who's a shithouse

all the time but everyone's a shithouse all the time. But everyone's a shithouse is the point, isn't it? You just don't want to know it. Yeah. I reckon you've lied to me 12 times since you've come in this room and I'm glad I don't know about it. That is a conservative estimate. Exactly.

Carl, you lie to me on a daily basis. So does he. So does everyone you know and love. Everyone's a liar. They don't really love you, but let them tell you that they do and life seems a bit happier because it's fucking bleak otherwise

it is people use you're a liar as this really like like a barb like you're a liar like if you're not a liar

you are a sociopath you're one of those pricks that are like I just tell it like it is yeah sorry if I offend you sorry if I offend you have the social decorum

to not be your piss nana at grid like you've put weight on yeah who's she mixed race you're like no

nana just lie keep it in your mind that's the best bit of getting old surely that you just get to a point when you're like 70 where you're like I don't give a fuck anymore

socially acceptable to be a dick wait you're that colour yeah my first Edinburgh show was called Bittersweet Little Lies and the aim of the show,

it was my worst show, it wasn't very good, but it was to find out whether it would be better to always lie or always tell the truth. Like, which would the world prefer? And the answer is lies.

If you can only do one, it's lies. But occasionally lies fuck you up. But it'd be so good though, if you could lie and get away with it literally every time, there's no fucking limits to to that you can walk into the bank and go

hello i'd like a billion pound loan please because i am a billionaire from monaco who can afford to pay it back and they'd be like okay here's your loan just because you've had ali diary i'd fully ali diary i'd be like calling up i'll be calling up football teams like yeah can I play centre forward Ali Dyer isn't it Ali Deer Ali Dyer sounds like Danny Dyer's cousin is that the guy that played for

Southampton yeah but the song is Ali Dyer is a liar yeah George Weyer yeah he claimed to be George Weyer's cousin he played against Leighton he nearly scored

yeah he literally got a contract he just rang up and bullshitted it yeah so yeah that's what I'm saying I'd ring up I'd ring up Man U and I'd go I'm a fucking shit top centre forward Yeah. He literally got a contract. He just hung up and bullshitted it, yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, that's what I'm saying.

I'd ring up Man U and I'd go, I'm a fucking shit-ass. Yeah, but just because they think you're telling the truth doesn't mean it happens. No, no, but they think I'm telling the truth, so they're like, oh, well, he's telling the truth. It's true that he's the best player on earth, so we better play him. I'll play, I'll be fucking shit,

they'll get relegated, I'll have a fucking party. No, but you could just say, I played well, and they go, oh, yeah. Exactly, so they keep playing me every week until they got relegated. I don't a fucking party. No, but you could just say, I played well. Then they go, oh yeah. Exactly. So they keep playing me every week until they got relegated. I don't care what's happening. Rob's not the problem. I think you're confusing. He's clearly amazing.

I think you're confusing lying with objectivity. Like, just what they'd go is like, I tell you what, he thinks he's the best president in the world. No, but they think I'm telling the truth. I'm hand-to-hand. I'm like, yeah, I'm Han Solo-ing it. I'm like, yeah, I'm the best fucking player. I think we're getting far too into the semantics of what lies are here,

but no, I think they'd be like... Oh, sorry, are we getting too pedantic on this fucking argument? Yeah, it's gone weird. What are we doing here? I think it'd get you a trial, and it would be a fast one. Right, warm-ups.

I'm like, fucking hell. I'd love to see that. I want to be able to get away with lies, but it's just because I don't want to know when people are lying to me. Lie to me. Make me feel better about myself. I'll be happier.

Have you got any other questions that aren't would-you-rathers? I do. Yes. That one's a lie. This is from Charlie Bowen. Charles. Charlie B. C Charlie Bowen Charles Charlie B C Bowen

C B B C A D D My missus has bought a cat And I'm allergic to cats What the fuck am I meant to do? Move out Am I being a grumpy old bastard And so just put up with the itchy eyes and runny nose or should she fuck this little rat thing off because i'm more important

also also it's one of these little baldy ball bagging look cats ball bag looking cat little scrotum to it they've been fucking manscaped what are they called is it persian persian saiyan hairy ones it's some sort of made up racist country name yeah it's one of the ones like it's an old racial slur

like it's on a map that says here be dragons at some point so it isn't even cute and cuddly like me side note they're horrible cunts

they are the cat hates me scrotum cat and every time I walk in the room it hisses and tries to kill me I'm telling you right now she wants to break up with him and doesn't know how to do it.

So she's bought a cat. She knows he's allergic to cats and she's bought a cat. How allergic is a cat to you? That one hasn't even got hair to make you allergic. Yeah. Like, how are you allergic to bald cats? No, they've still got hair. You just shave them.

You can't just shave them. What the fucking ring that bell? Fucking. I'm not kidding myself. No, but. still got hair you'd shave you can't just shave the what the fucking ring that bell fucking i've got a siamese cat no you've not you've got a really traumatized dringer tom imagine trying to shave a fucking cat on a cat i mean are you supposed to be bald i'm really trying to commit to that, and I just couldn't. Come on, Tiddles. With the Gillette Mac 3. No, with the grain.

You reckon this is her way of saying, eh? Yeah, she's trying to get rid of him. Yeah, 100%. 100%. I think she's just selfish, and she wanted a fucking showy Instagram cat. But it's not a good sign for the relationship, is it? He's allergic. She's just selfish and she wanted a fucking showy Instagram cat. But it's not a good sign for the relationship, is it? He's allergic. I know.

I'll get one that no one except a massive fanny would be allergic to. A bald cat. We'll get that as a compromise. And he's gone, oh, fucking hell. And then he's like, oh, why does this cat that I hate, hate me? She wants to get rid of him. And I think it's quite a good tactic. You know, we've all been in relationships before

Where you don't ask to break up with them Get what they're allergic to Just kill them, just make me peanuts How much easier is it to just tell someone You don't love them anymore Than leaving penicillin round the house Turning up to the RSPCA Why do you want to own a cat?

Because I fucking hate Gareth. One of my exes was allergic to garlic, so I just made her a carbonara. She's dead now. She's a vampire. She was as well. Loved her nibble. Yeah, it's just not a good sign for the future,

that relationship, is it? You're not on his side now. No, I haven't said I'm not on his side, but I think he should be honest and admit that it's over and just fucking bounce yeah because what's

she going to do she's not going to get rid of that cat now because you've got to send it to the home get that and see if she sticks around

yeah that's true I love it I love it the story's finned by the way is it your missus yeah oh you

keep kidding oh shit trying to get rid of you bounce she knows does she know you're the latest cat give him the oh you keep kidding oh shit oh my god trying to get with you bounce she knows love does she know you're the latest cat

give him the mic we want to hear this does she know you're the latest cat yeah what it's her mum's bought the cat

well this is throwing the illusion that this is Charlie Bowen on it who made up the name Charlie Bowen sounds like it plays

midfield for West Ham it's a really well like it's a subtly made up the name Charlie Bowen? Sounds like it plays midfield for West Ham. It's a really well, like it's a subtly made up bullshit name. And he's like, yeah, loving it. CB! CB! Show out! Fiction out! Right.

Right. So her mum has bought us this cat for Christmas. Oh, in mum nature. Okay. So her mum... This starts to make more sense. Her mum loves me. They've tried to go this

Women are good liars lad So they've thought it's hypoallergenic This is not interesting They've thought it's hypoallergenic But I'm allergic to the spit in the cats When they lick themselves I'm still going to be allergic to this cat And it's one of them

Fucking Bald Ball bag things. Yeah, so... So I need to bounce? Is that what you're saying, Adam? Yeah, you do. I just need to bounce.

Well, no, it's a bit different now, isn't it? Oh, look at it be a shit house now! Watch this fucking 180 come now! Watch him pedal! No, I think what you should... Like, if they've bought a hyperallergenic cat, or thought they have, then maybe you give a benefit to the doubt.

But I thought your missus had bought it as well what I would do if you found out that she didn't know or whatever she just was like I'll just get it anyway I'd just never speak to your mother-in-law again that'll make Christmas fun can the cat go it'll make it a lot more fun no one likes going to their in-laws on Christmas

I refuse to believe it's true can the cat be moved back to her mum's I mean that feels like the no so they've they've got cats they've got cats at my mum's

release the bald bag cat you can't have a hairless cat in the wild into Salford here you go I'm sure you'll be fine just raise in ten seconds just tape a Gillette

to its back so whoever finds it can shave it the local cats will be like what the fuck are you doing around here you bald nonce

that cat would not survive the streets of Salford very long, would it? Cats around there are fucking hard. Oh, well-hard cats. You're not going near a bald one. It'll look like it's in the EDL. They'll all be terrified of it. It's like a little Phil Mitchell cat. Just draw a swastika on it and let it free.

It'll be like fucking Die Hard 3. I want a boat. It'll be running Salford in six weeks what like leader of the Aryan brotherhood in Salford one of you's

has gotta go like I'm sorry to be so brutally honest but one of you's has gotta go or do you mean missus of the cat one of you's

just one in general don't just you stay with the cat that's the worst scenario of all of them just you there with this fucking airless cat oh fuck gonna have to go live in a fucking car yeah i think i've got some thinking to do right i'm going got some packing to do lad yeah i mean the major thing is don't

don't buy pets without having a bit of a fucking powwow before it happens. Yeah, you can't surprise someone with a pet. Although Adam had the, I think Adam was onto it, adopt a retaliation pet. That's the way. Is she like a mage to anything? Does she not? She doesn't really like dogs, big dogs, but I can't exactly get a big dog living in a small house.

Get an ex-Alemanican bulldog. What, like an eight-year-old one? So it's either the massive... So she doesn't even get the cupid. Yeah. Or, or, is she scared of anything?

Spiders. Right. Get a tarantula and leave it in the bed when you go out one day. A poisonous one. Future murder, isn't it? That's so fucked up.

That's like, yeah, that's full-on like Ted Bundt. When he was a child, he used to lift tarantulas in people's beds. I'm allergic to fucking cats. And you're allergic to black widow spider bats. One all. Actually. Yeah, you've lost the use of your arm, but I've got a rash.

It turns out you're allergic to fucking knives. I do love a bit of vengeance. When I lived with my cousin my cousin dolly is terrified of tomasa sauce and she pissed me off one day and i put the tiniest bit on the corner of her pillow and she didn't see it until she laid down i was just about to go asleep and just opened her eyes and seen a little bit of red here right at the corner of her eye and she was sobbing like like like a woman in a movie who's just witnessed a murder like hugging her knees in the shower

sobbing like at this little bit of tomato sauce it was so funny she has a phobia of tomato ketchup where's that from a bottle of it put up her no she, she didn't. She's a bit mental. She's a bit crazy. Is she... What's she scared of? Condiments, Carl. Yeah. Let's not breeze over that. But what happens?

Like, that's not how phobias work. No, yeah, there was a lad in my school who was scared of oranges. Phobia's an irrational fear. So he used to, like, roll satsumas at him. Phobia's an irrational fear. Yeah. I've got a phobia. Like, being scared of bears is not a phobia

because bears will kill you it's common sense yeah I'm petrified of polar bears being scared of little nice

Italian gay men I wasn't scared it's irrational that's homophobia the worst phobia I wasn't scared of them they're hunters they're hunting packs

open the kimono another one comes out little fucking Russian doll Gino Di Campo like oh hello oh my goodness me it's such a big Nelson's column open the kimono, another one comes out. Little fucking Russian doll, Gino De Campo, like, oh, hello. Oh my goodness me, it's such a big Nelson's Parle-

I'd fuck Gino De Campo. What? If my grandmother had the wheels, she would have been a bag. It's one of my favourite videos on the internet. Really? And he makes a ball of knees. He's not even offering you a discount fucking room

in Trafalgar Square. Yeah, I wasn't scared of him. I'm just saying, you know, he wanted to fuck me. I could see it in his eyes who's a the phobia of tomato ketchup is

how about you do you have any phobias undead iffy I don't like the sea I don't like I don't trust I think there's sea monsters I'm not sure that we don't know

the sea monsters there are sea monsters there are jellyfish I'd fuck someone not if they're in a fucking kimono yeah that freaks me out a little bit and it becomes irrational because I fuck someone not if they're in a fucking kimono yeah that freaks me out a little bit

and it becomes irrational because like you're having a little swim in the med in fucking just off the coast of Crete and then you're like could definitely be great white sharks here probably not in Crete no exactly but that's why it becomes irrational

you'd be like because you can't see it it does freak me out a little bit makes me feel a little bit like there's things I don't love like I've I like spiders less and less every year

really yeah every year at Christmas they fucking ruin it every year I love you less and less Harry Potter gets harder to watch

every fucking year yeah I have like yeah I don't have many phobias I have a recurring dream which is not really a phobia it's a bit of a phobias. I have a recurring dream, which is not really a phobia. It's a bit of a sidestep, but I have a recurring dream. I'm on stage at a gig. It's my gig.

And it's at like a decent sized theatre, a few hundred. Spiders. And I just, I start floating and all I want is to get back to the stage, but I can't. Oh. Yeah. Paging Dr. Frost. He's lost that much weight that that's what his nightmares are like now

I'm just so worried I'll float I'm so light I'm three stone down I might float away through a breeze this has been happening for a long time I wonder what the psychology of that is I think it's imposter syndrome but I don't really get that because I don't feel like an imposter you're not exactly short of self confidence lad

I don't think that's the diagnosis but that's how your subconscious fucks with you isnit yeah it's a weird one innit if you know what it is please comment below on youtube you just there's no other stress there's no you just start floating you're like oh shit i need to get back to the stage so like i'm on the stage and i start floating as i'm looking at the audience but i can see myself i'm like watching it for out of body experience right and i start floating like open to my left and i'm trying to get back but it just won't happen how often this is a lot are you getting last couple of times are you like referencing it are you like referencing it whilst you're floating are you like oh i'm floating away no the audience is still looking

straight at the stage right i don't know what it is, but it's just, yeah, it's a thing. Well, I've got a phobia of needles. Yeah, but they could have AIDS in them. Enough of that story about Salford. Fucking... I fuck knows, man, yeah. Not like needles. No, not injections.

Like, obviously, like, tattoos is fine, but, like, injection injections. Fucking... I freak out. I've done, like, sedatives when, like, yeah, fucking... That's way off. I'm not sure it's irrational, though, because that's a spiky thing

That's going in your body And hurting you No but like to the level That it's at Like Right you've got It goes from like I don't like it

Yeah like When dentists have like Done work They've had to like sedate me Because like a bit Of dentist's finger I didn't even realise It was happening

Because like I was just Fucking gone Like honestly I'd fucking freak out with them It was like I had one go wrong When I was a little kid Like the nurse

Missed the vein A lot of times Yeah yeah yeah Yeah I get that So like yeah Inject Mr. Vane a lot of times That's in there Yeah yeah yeah Yeah I get that So like yeah Injections is the one And it's not

It's not the needle I can't give blood Yeah Because that's really The liquid coming in and out I'm not looking forward To this fucking vaccine Like sod your nans

I don't want a jab Can't it be in there Like a chewy berry I think so I'm one of these cunts Where it's like I'm pretty sure I fucking had it

You know I've never had a test And I didn't have a test At the time There weren't any tests Available when I think I had it. You know, like... I've never had a test, and I didn't have a test at the time. There weren't any tests available when I think I had it back in March. You were wiped out, though, weren't you, for days? Yeah, well... I mean, I was doing four podcasts a day,

I was live-Twitching driving HGVs, but I was just knackered, probably the roaner. I had about three days where I was, like... I was on that mode of, like, working, like, that intensely, and I had three days where I was just, like, I couldn't do shit, I just watched YouTube in bed for three days. I was just like really wheezy, like going up and downstairs. Like it felt like after, when I used to wake up after raves

where I'd like smoke 40 Marlboro Reds on the dance floor, like it was that sort of thing, chest being tight. So I reckon so. I spoke to a comedian who used to be a doctor to ask. That's the only doctors I know. So I like texted them. They were like, yeah, sounds like the Rona. But you know, it was fine, it was a long time ago

No long COVID symptoms No long COVID I fucking love long COVID I don't COVID? You going COVID? I think I do go COVID Yorkshire COVID COVID

I don't know If I'm having long COVID It's like oh I'm just Feeling tired for six months I think you're just In your forties Soon Soon

Not there yet Like you know What are the symptoms Of long COVID It's like oh you lose Your hair and you lose Your sense of taste It's like I'm a fucking

I'm a northern man In my thirties I don't use my sense of taste My hair's going anyway Yeah exactly exactly yeah i think i've had corona it makes it slightly more right wing yeah holy shit i think my whole village has got coronavirus but you know i'm not a medical expert it's important to say but i'm definitely self diagnosed self-diagnosed i've had it it's fucking've had it, it's fucking fine But no, I'll get it, I'm not a pussy I'll have the vaccine

Would you? Yeah, I don't give a fuck, it's not going to kill me, is it? Yeah, you might do, but If we lose you and everyone else is sound That wouldn't be the end of the world, would it? Cheers mate, good to be here What an absolute fucking joy Have we got to have a word? Yes, okay, so

Oh, hey It's time to have a word. Yes. Okay, so. Oh, hey. It's time to have a word with Adam and Dan. Tell us all the problems you have with your friends. This was going to be the whole podcast. Now it's just the final 10%. Jay! Listen up, everyone. Let's have a word.

Hey, lids. Love the podcast. Can you have a word with my mate, Joe? Joe, you rat. He finds it acceptable to wait until someone in the group makes a joke that gets a large response, and amidst the laughter, you'll hear this fuckknuckle come up with something that would struggle to make

my pissed-up, dementia-suffering nan crack a smile while she shits herself. I mean, she sounds like she's having a bad day. It's hard to make anyone smile at that point. Yeah, that sounds like the hardest time to make someone laugh, when they're shitting themselves and full of dementia. Yeah.

He goes round to visit his nan and he's like, tough crowd. Well, he can't use any references because she'll fucking forget them all, innit? Can't do a callback with someone with dementia. They're a nightmare. Nan, you fuck the structure of this bit. This bellend seems to think he's the funniest guy

in any room when in fact he's making himself look like a dick get him to sort himself out and accept accept sometimes that he doesn't have to

be making people laugh he's trying too hard PS Dan looks like Gru out of Despicable Me and Adam is the spit of Alistair Moody

Mad Eye Moody Mad Eye Moody from Harry Potter well thank you for that i want to say go fuck yourself to the person who wrote this email on behalf of everyone how dare you ask three comedians to tell someone to stop seeking attention via humor yeah but badly that is the key thing i think i feel like this advice could go to a lot of comedians to be pissed off. I think I'm just pissed off with the fucking PS. Oh, yeah. I think the PS has really torpedoed himself as well. That was fun. Because he's like, can you tell him not to make cheeky comments? And then he's like, and you two are fucking cunts.

Yeah. I sort of know what he means. It's brutal in it because I know exactly what Adam means as well. Like, we do sit here and we're waiting to be funny and that's a whole shtick. But if no one wants to watch this, they can just turn it off yeah that will be reflected in views and downloads it is brutal when you've got a mate who is like does shit banter he could be a good friend you've known him years he's actually good like he's a good guy and he's like and you're like oh my god you're

making everything less fun like it's a and like Rob says I've seen comics that are like this in dressing rooms and do you ever been in a dressing room

where someone's just trying to do shtick and banter and it makes me go quieter because I'm like I am not joining on this you don't want to

catch the death yeah you're being an unfunny cunt the worst thing in the world for that is when you're in a green room with three other comedians

who are all fucking great. You're on with your mates. One of them brings a muggle and the muggle, the non-comedian, has to be like, he's like, I'm in a room full of comedians.

So to get them to like me, I've got to be funny. Who brought you there? Yeah, you brought your fucking dad. You brought your dad. Not your dad. Your dad. Yeah.

How old are these guys? Because this sounds like girls haven't got involved properly in this social group. Yeah, women all start this shit out. Because once girls are like, listen, if you're not a massive idiot i might fuck you i feel like that sort of shaves off a little bit of the edge of these idiots when they start going oh yeah if i keep making shit jokes i'm gonna be the one that doesn't get any attention they think that by making the shit jokes women are gonna be like oh my god that's so funny do you want to come inside me i have the perfect way to tell you how old he is his picture on Patreon

is a souped up car so he's either 17 or 57 yeah so it depends what souped up what type of car is this the person

writing in or the person who makes the jokes the person writing in yeah but it's his friend isn't it so it's the same social circle

the person writing in is called Big Sutton so this guy's got good banter to start with and then his car his picture's like a car renders into the same social circle. The person writing in is called Big Sutton. So this guy's got good banter to start with. His picture's like a car with alloys and shit. Oh, you know what? It's sneaky. Now that we're getting to the point where you're projecting what this podcast can do,

as a dad, as a homeowner, as a husband, you've got a responsibility. House is paid off. We've got two cars that run. Little bit of savings after that I can start dicking about with money

I would really love to soup the fuck out of something inappropriate to be souped up you can't make it your Facebook profile picture you can't have a fucking Ford Fiesta

with a microwave in the boot as your fucking Facebook profile picture go and fold DMX on it it's like a fucking arcade in the boot

like the rustlers ad there from 2001 I think I would really like it what would you put in it Dan what would you what would you I think

what do you start with like a fucking Austin Allegro like a really old school shitty car a Mustang I'd go for yeah but then

but then that's not the bit is it that's a good car I'd pick a Lamborghini I'd pick a sports car and then soup it up no I'd just fucking Lada yeah I'd pick a sports car and then soup it up.

No, I'd just... Fucking Lada. Yeah? Yeah, a Lada and, like, really, like, massive, like... Yeah, a proper Soviet car. Zup, zup, zup. Yeah, with the full hydraulics. Or just get my boring Volvo dadmobile and then soup that up, but subtly so you can't tell...

You wouldn't be able to do it in the state. The fucking arse end of it would slam on the road. Oh, my God, imagine that. Look at this boring dad on his way to North Wales camping zoop zoop zoop I fucking love that put the neons up

oh mate what colour would you paint it yeah hot pink yellow's the bell end colour would you give it like wings so it looks like a plane good

do you know what we're talking about with souped up cars you're making fucking chitty chitty bang bang you're not talking body weight it's not about walls oh you thought you were like and he's just want a car with neons and you're like does it have a helicopter like can include

you know the inner workings and also the body weight I don't but it doesn't include wings it's a fucking nightmare when you try and go

the drive through but you get to work quicker because you get to fly there at 50,000 feet oh is that accent how much to insure a flamethrower turret yeah

has it been modified what the flamethrower no ultimate thing to buy like let's say this goes ridiculously well and fucking I don't know Has it been modified? What, the flamethrower? No. The ultimate thing to buy, though. Like, let's say this goes ridiculously well and fucking, I don't know, HBO get in touch and they're like, lads, love what you're doing.

We've got a lot of money here. We're going to give you a billion each, right? And everything's going to be sound. You've got unlimited dough, essentially, right? The lottery question, but billions. You're the billionaire. What are you getting there first? Because a lot of people go for helicopter, private jet, the best car.

I'm telling you right now, I'm getting a tank. And where are you going? I would take... He's not going to leave West Derby, though, is he? He's just going to be the fucking mental driving around West Derby in a tank. Parking it up at the one stop. I'd get a Ham in a tank parking it up at the one stop I'd get a custom made tank

so it's small enough that you can go like drive throughs and that how much of a bellend would you look in a mini tank his little leg popping out the top

with a helmet you know Adam Rose lost it with your little fucking rowey panther two machine guns working machine guns

if he does this I'm starting making IEDs imagine turning up to like the Brighton Comedia in a fucking tank hey were you going to drive that tank

from Liverpool to Brighton going down the fucking arm shoulder like why would you pick the most liberal place with the most like

liberal gig ever to be like that's what I'm driving the tank to I was just far away I wanted to be far away and I wanted to be a nice gig

yeah picked a nice gig far away I love it when his feelings look hurt like because he's a nice driver

he's nowhere to park Dan I'm a billionaire just trying a billionaire still gigging at the Comedia for the weekend Stephen Grant

like there's two shows on a Saturday I'm a fucking billionaire but these tanks don't buy themselves Stephen selling your fucking DVD

tell me that you wouldn't want a tank I don't trust helicopters why Colin McRae statistically more likely to die on a skateboard than a helicopter

I don't trust those cunts either you're really likely to not die in either if you don't get on them yeah that's my logic we're going to alton tower is that yeah people like you'll die you're more likely to die on the way there well i'm not going i just i don't i don't like roller coasters me you know i'm at that age where i'm totally cool with being a pussy about stuff like that people are like oh you're coming on this ride no and then like oh you're being a pussy. I'm going to be a pussy with both of my limbs. One of the best things about getting older is like, I don't care what you think.

Could not give a fuck. How tall are you? Six foot seven. Six foot seven. You're disabled? Yeah, I know. I am technically a giant. I tried to get a free laptop at uni, but they wouldn't do it.

Technically a giant. Tried to get a free laptop? I tried for being disabled. I applied for the grant. A fucking massive one. Oh, in fact you were saying about being ADD

and you're like oh it's not a blue badge thing you can get a blue badge for ADD shut the fuck up I mean I'm not gonna I'm not gonna because I think

but you can get one yeah blue badge for your tank right in the front of us in a new tank hey Adam someone's in the disabled spot fuck that

amazing I don't think we're going to top Lou Badge for the tank so I think we'll call that a podcast Rob thanks for coming in it's been a pleasure man where can people find you

your work and what would you like to plug yeah best thing at the moment is my YouTube channel. When this is out, I will have just released my new mini special. I recorded it in sort of the gap between lockdowns, like DIY gigs that me and Freddie put on. In like back gardens and cricket clubs.

Back gardens, there's one in a barn, there's one... Anglesey, Chorley. Yeah, you know, you were on at one of them. The one from Chorley, we've used a lot of the set-ups and not the punchlines, because it was a little rough but yeah we sort of cut it together from these six gigs

it's bouncing between them and yeah I think it's really cool so it's called Back on the Grass so go check that out on my YouTube channel so it's

sorry just search so they definitely find it yeah Rob Mulholland Back on the Grass you'll find it with that so just

just to double clear it up for everyone so most stand up specials as we know shot in comedy club theatres or whatever this is an amalgamation of several gigs shot so you've got like five minutes from one gig so like my last one

I like doing things really different every time so my last special it's called Too Big To Fail that's like an hour that I shot at Edinburgh and there's fuck all editing it's one go at it, I didn't do it twice i did the hour and that's what the special is and it's like really dark and dingy and underground no i loved it the show was so sick man it was the best show by a mile of the run i know you do you're fucking prick it's fucking good give it a watch but because that one was like dingy and dark and like monochrome this one i like um it's really bright and colorful every sort of

like gig has a really distinct look and um we like got really into editing it i want to shout out me director of photography will hutchby yeah we've been making it together and really collaborating on it and in the edit we've sort of stitched it the bits back together so you'll get like it's a line from here and a line from there and a line from there but the rhythm of the bit still works we just reconstructed it out of all these different tellings and then there's bits of crowd work and stuff it's looser than a traditional special because i've only done about fucking 20 gigs this year so how long is it it's about half an hour sweet yeah as we speak it isn't finished editing we're doing that tomorrow uh it's out on sunday um but we're editing it tomorrow because will works for the nhs in his day job so he's been busy being a

fucking hero oh so he's extra good yeah he's but it's dead annoying to me he's always polite yeah so yeah he keeps pushing me at it but yeah go check it out it's like it's a bit different a bit unique

and I'm dead pleased with it you know I think it's funny so that's going to be your second special that's coming out and there's already a special on YouTube called Rob Mulholland

Too Big To Fail and your Twitter and Instagram are at Rob Mulholland there you go nice and easy what have we got to plug Daniel erm no we can check it that's not how you At Rumble Holland. There you go. Nice and easy. What have we got to plug, Daniel?

No. That's not how you answer that question. Because we've recorded here, there, and everywhere. I'm not 100% where everything is, but the merch will be on sale at this point. I'm sure you've already had a look. www.hehateswhenidoethat. Haveawordpod.com.

Check out that new merch range. Check out the merchandise. There's loads of options this time a few of our favourite quotes and if you love this shit if you want more of it you can go to

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