Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #98 with Kai Humphries - IN STUDIO - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: December 14, 2020

The Live stream show will be something else. Sunday December 20th 8pm. Tickets available here: https://www.hotwatercomedy.co.uk/event/7784/ Thanks so much for listening. Give us a follow on socials @haveawordpod and make sure to subscribe to the podcast on your app and to our channel at: YouTube.com/haveawordpod. Full epsiodes in video on da'tube.And if you'd like an extra episode of our lids, every week, in video and audio... sign upto our Patreon.com/haveawordpod. From as little as £3 a month you get the weekly exclusive ep. and a load of other perks. Enjoy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

On Sunday the 20th of December, we're going to be at Hot Water Comedy Club in front of a live audience. Now, unfortunately for you lot, those tickets sold out immediately. But this is also going to be streamed live on pay-per-view. It's going to be a live show of stand-up. Me and Adam, I'm going to be hosting. He's going to do a set. We've also got two very special guests. And then in the second half, it's our first ever live podcast record. Oh, squeeze my tits.

I feel excited. Now, none of this will ever go online. It's not going to be on YouTube. It's not going to be on Patreon. This is only going to be seen by people who buy the pay-per-view tickets from hotwatercomedy.co.uk. We're going to say all sorts of shit. It's never going on YouTube.

No one's ever going to be like, Eh, YouTube be cancelled. It's a pay-per-view. It's going to say all sorts of shit. It's never going on YouTube. No one's ever going to be like, eh, YouTube be cancelled. It's a pay-per-view. It's going to be live. It's going to be lewd. You do not want to miss it. Properly uncensored, unfiltered for the first time ever. Stand-up comedy in the first half.

A little interval in the middle. And then a full podcast live stream that no one's ever going to see. We can say the shit we don't say on the podcast because it's never going to be on the internet forever. We can't get in trouble. It's going to be fucking amazing. It's 8pm Sunday, 20th of December.

Buy your tickets at hotwatercomedy.co.uk If you can't watch it on the night, you have a full seven days to watch it. A full week to watch us being dickheads live. Me, Dan, two special guests, stand-up comedy, and an uncensored, unfiltered podcast stream. What more could you want? Get your tickets now.

Hot Water Comedy. I call it UK. Bye for leisure. Bye for leisure. Thanks so much for downloading the Have A Word podcast. We really appreciate it. This is the public episode. It goes out every Monday.

Did you know we do an extra episode. It goes out every Monday. Did you know we do an extra episode? It comes out every Wednesday. It's the Patreon exclusive. So to become a patron, to essentially subscribe to the podcast, you can do it from as little as £3 a month. Once you're signed up, you will get the early release of the public episode. At least 24 hours early, you'll get to watch it in video form. You can also get discounts on merch, discounts on future live shows shows there's loads of extra little weird stuff we put on there but the big one is

the extra episode every week in video and audio form it's like an hour and a half long recently and it's some of our favorite podcasting it's sponsor free we don't have adverts on it it's just me and adam really letting it loose because it's just for the patrons it doesn't go out on the normal internet. And honestly, we've looked around at what other comedians and other podcasts are putting out on their Patreon. This is one of the best deals in a Patreon game. For the equivalent of basically buying me or Adam a pint

to say thanks for the pod, you get all of this shit. Sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod. Really appreciate it. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally? You merely adopted the dark. I was born in it,

molded by it. Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? When she pick it up every time she starts to talk, give her the dick. The stuff's dying. She'll be like, hello. What? Oh, what I'm doing?

This is when you get it. What I'm doing? Oh, none. Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Hubba Wad Studios, hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny run corn england

these are the funniest leads in the podcast game adam row dan nightingale and sensei carl

with full hd video episodes on youtube don't be a rat download subscribe and tell a

friend it's the one and only have a word friend. It's the one and only Have A Wad. Pussy off! Rough start. Rough start. Just going to pour my drink into it.

My new mug today sent in by fan superstar Jill Bushell. We've got a mug each. Mine says, running on caffeine, sarcasm and inappropriate thoughts. Mine says 50% namaste. 50% go fuck yourself amazing thank you Jilly B Merry Christmas fucking love getting sent free shit

I'm all about that life I'm repping the colours today as well orange t-shirt going on stage tonight and if someone's like hey why are you wearing an orange t-shirt because I fucking run a podcast don't I and oranges are fucking

color it's a bit of a reach that is it do you think someone's gonna ask you that question do you think you have put an orange t-shirt on and work backwards from there because it definitely no no no because black and orange no that's not did you just stick an orange t-shirt on i yeah just you know i like the i want to start wearing more vibrant colors to make me oh my god babe yeah what's changed i mean i don't know just you know like i started thinking like if i because i wear a lot of black on black right and if i was in a film that would portray sadness and i don't want to do that i want to portray joy in my life but like you're whatever you're mourning back you know what i mean right yeah okay someone if you had a stroke who the fuck is this i am wearing orange because i'm

so i'm brand tuned in with the podcast also i just want to wear more vibrant colors and a skirt and a unitard. Yeah, I'm just trying to put, you know, put brightness out there to invite brightness back into my life. Right. Yeah. Just get some neon, get some luminous. Yeah, put Christmas lights on me caps.

Get twatted in Liverpool City Centre. What the fuck are you, lad? Fucking Christmas tree. Bang. Yeah, I just think it's important. Because I got a message the other day about the Rob Moore Holland episode

someone messaged me on Instagram and said just reaching out lads because I just watched the Rob Moore Holland episode and you just seem really sad so if there's anything

going on don't feel like you can't talk to me and I was like I was hungover I was in a boss mood and the Rob Moore Holland episode

I really it's like I'm honestly sound like you know we've all had our ups and downs this year but I was actually on good form those days. That wasn't a sad hangover.

No. Because it hadn't been a sad booze-up. No, it was fucking great. You'd had a fun night out. Yeah. But also, also, I do think the colours I was wearing was affecting his perception. So today, happiness.

Orange joy. I'm just wearing the fucking merch mate that is directly related to my happiness orange joy sunlight get some merch sunlight

sunny delight does this look like slam poetry the shittest slam poem ever I prefer you when you're sad it feels more normal when you're annoyed or sad I would love to watch you do slam poetry you know you're sad it feels more normal when you're annoyed or sad I would love to watch you do slam poetry

really? fucking love it I'd rather do a battle rap I'd do another rap battle never mind that what about slam poetry? it's different innit sounds

I feel like we've we know you love rap battles potentially get a rap battler on I want to delve into slam poetry and the world that i know nothing about is it basically just a whiter version of rap battling basically yeah yeah yeah just weird like staccato fucking rhythms and just odd staccato does that mean broken up like stop

start yeah stop start it doesn't even have to rhyme. It just has to be... Roses are red, violets are blue, you're a fucking nonce. Yeah! It's one nil. One nil! I'd love to rap battle you, though. That could be the headline event. I reckon we should get a couple of rap battlers on,

ask them if they'll coach us. You get one to help you. Because you're into your hip hop as well. Yeah. We could do a have a weird rap battle event with it we've got the cards filled with actual battlers and the headline event is me versus dan i reckon i'd fucking body it you get zipped i would be embarrassed to do that in front of rap battlers because i've done rap battles before and i started doing it in this voice

john say oh you have done one haven't you i've done two oh you have done two and i do in this voice because it feels right when you're doing a little and i don't think i'd feel comfortable I'm saying Oh you have done one haven't you I've done two Oh you have done two And I do them in this voice Because it feels right When you're doing a little And I don't think I'd feel comfortable Doing that in front of Actual rap battles

Haven't you lost two Adam I've lost two And won one yeah You think you're going to Body down I've body down yeah I lost to Freddie Crinn In a tight one

And I remember I only remember one thing That I said to him Which was When I'm on stage I'm at the peak of my powers Every joke you do Goes down like the Twin Towers, and I don't use that reference as a disrespect to those in heaven.

It's just that every girl he's shagged has been aged 9 or 11. No, I've seen you work. I'm not rap battling you. Because that was pretty good. Where do they do the rap battle stuff? Where does it happen? A lot of it happens in Manchester now, and it's still quite a bit down in London. Yeah, but what, I mean, specifically,

where are they, they're not taking over, like, the Oxford Theatre or something, are they? Where are they? Do you know the Ritz in Manchester? The Prince is there, what's it called? One of the biggest events in UK history, which was headlined by Shottie Horror versus Tony D two of my favourite

battlers was at the Ritz in Manchester and it was sold out. Right. Absolutely chocker. It's a nightclub vibe. Yeah but no

the Ritz like is where you would go and see like big bands play the Ritz. Yeah. There was thousands of people there

and it was called Manchester versus London so every battler was from manchester battling get a bit of north south divide going and that that headline battle of shotty versus tony is absolutely unbelievable i can i could literally word for word do both of their entire three rounds yeah i mean i feel like you want to when you say when you say things like that you're like okay yeah i don't i'm not i'm not particularly drawn into it mate i like being

funny i like doing podcasting i like doing stand-up there's something about being a cunt to someone else yeah but it's when it's licensed that's why i like the roast battle as well doesn't sit i what i've watched a lot of the rap battles in comedy, the comedy rap battle in Edinburgh. And I just, it's just like, I get it. It's not my favourite type of comedy.

No? No, it just doesn't. It's not my favourite either, but it's just an extension. It's a different thing. No, I know, but I'm just saying it's a different thing. I don't like,

what do, like, you know, the noise next door, do the comedy lock-in. Yeah. Where they do the, I always say ad-libbing. It's not ad-libbing don't like, what do, you know the noise next door do, the comedy lock-in? Yeah. Where they do the, I always say ad-libbing. It's not ad-libbing, isn't it? Improv.

Improv. Roleplay and stuff. I don't know. I find that a bit cringy. To do, I know some people do it really well. Yeah, I know what you mean. I like my lanes. Not everyone enjoys podcasting, do they?

I've spoken to a couple of people about doing this and they're like, oh, I just feel like, yeah, I just feel like, yeah, I just feel like you just don't know what you're going to say and then it's on the internet forever and I'm like, that never registers with me. No.

I think it's fucking great. I think it's hilarious. And then some people love rap battling and I'm like, yeah. I think it's quite funny that the thing we're going to get cancelled for is already on YouTube.

The thing we're getting in trouble for is already out there getting viewed right this second. Yeah. Would you do roast battle on Comedy Central if they asked you? Probably not.

No? Is there no one you'd battle? Does it really fit your... M.O., does it? Do you think? No, I don't think it... I'm not a particularly strong joke writer. I don't mean that. I mean like... No, I think that. No, but I'm not a particularly strong, like, joke writer. I don't mean that,

I mean like, No, I think that. No, but I mean like, he's aggressive and he's fucking towards everyone

and all the stuff's aggressive and he's like, Oh, I've got an edge car. Oh, I, hang on. No,

since he started wearing orange, he's a different fucking, he's a new beautiful summer flower. I called Daniel Sloss I was after my last Rose Battle and he said yeah.

So if Rose Battle comes back which they don't it doesn't look like it's gonna do but if it came back me and Sloss have both said

to the producers like we'd go because he's 2-0 and I'm 1-0 and I was like no offence to Maisie Adam but it was fucking

to quote a lunacy rap battle bar more one-sided than an amputee's Dan Truesine have you become what orange t-shirts

make you way more hip hoppy yeah Sloss would be good Sloss would be great yeah he was really good who the fuck

could I do like it's difficult isn't it I could see you doing Warwick Davis Warwick Davis

yeah nice one just to let you know you can't do any little people lines. Okay, cool. Yeah. Where's your six mates, lad? Isn't that mad? The way I know two small people and they've both got the same surname.

Really? You what? Tanya Lee and Warwick. They're the only two you know. The Davis family. Do you actually know Warwick Davis? No, I know of him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I know of his work. He's a good mate. Some of my best friends are little people. The Davis family do you actually know Warwick Davis or you just know him no I know of him yeah yeah yeah and I know of his work he's a good mate some of my best friends are little people the Davis family you don't want to rap battle roast battle

a midget you would lose it's such a brutal one because every time you do a midget joke everyone will be like lazy you'll be like

oh come on no but if you do it in a good way you'd absolutely murder them. I'd love to wrap that up. I know, but... Yeah, but do you not feel like it's a bit of a disadvantage, weirdly,

to be taking on a little person? Would the crowd not be like, try not to do a little person joke? No, I don't. I think at those type of events, they sort of, they're like, just call them it, lad. Come on.

We're all, like. From a Warwick Davis point of view, would it not be a bit like, is this fair? Is it you, your normal side? Walking in with a massive target on his small frame. Yeah, but like, when I battled Deliso. You feel that? I've got the eye, so.

Fuck no, when he battled Deliso. He sent me the Deliso stuff before he did it, like, to show me, and oh, my God. When I battled Deliso, Deliso didn't mention my eye at all, and you could feel people in the room going, fucking talk about his eye, lad. And I...

Like, me and Deliso have got the same agent, and we both spoke to our agents about our stuff, and before it, I spoke to my agent, and he was like, it's going to be tight, this, you know. Deliso's got the same agent. And we both spoke to our agents about our stuff. And before it, I spoke to my agent and he was like, it's going to be tight this, you know. Deliso's got some really good stuff. And I love Deliso. I did a corporate with him yesterday. He is a good joke writer.

He's brilliant. He's a really good joke writer. I was very, very, very, very overprepared and wrote some very, very very very roasty battle stuff yeah no I can't I couldn't see me doing it

who would you dream roast battle be obviously I don't want to name her we all know we've done that

several times but beyond that I'd like to do Sloss because I think I think it'd be very very close I think he'd be

the favourite but I think I like I'd be very, very close. I think he'd be the favourite. But I think I'd work so hard for it if I beat him. I feel like I'd have his respect forever. I feel like I already have. We're mates and colleagues. Yeah, yeah. But I feel like he'd be like, ugh, if I managed to beat him.

Because Sloss is one of those people who is so unbelievably over-the- top sound and not even in a fake way that the fact he's so successful two netflix specials a hbo special world tours done conan more times than anyone but conan i think that's literally a fact as well um that's pretty impressive from a lad from edinburgh and he's he's a year older than me, and he's done all of that. And he started comedy when he was like 16. To be that successful, and I don't know one person who's ever said a bad word about him.

It's very hard to battle that guy and win, because he's just sound. And everything you could possibly say about him, he's already said himself on stage. And he's not African, and he's not a little person. Exactly. So you're going to have to work a little bit harder don't you mind the way you link being successful to being a knobhead never really understood it it's not that it's that i was saying saying slosses a knobhead but i mean in general when you think of someone successful you're saying he's dead sound and then you spoke about success yeah you work back it's weird how

they come together in a public perception is that oh it's a British thing that we don't like people doing well no but I mean like you're saying are we successful he's probably a knobhead no I'm not saying

that he not Sloss I mean in general when we look at somebody who's famous no I don't think like that but I just think like being successful

because like it's very difficult it's the same reason that like footballers think they're above Covid rules and stuff it's because it's very very difficult. It's the same reason that footballers think they're above COVID rules and stuff. It's because it's very, very difficult to be successful,

especially from a very, very young age, when literally women are throwing themselves at you. You've always got money. You're in rooms of thousands of people who are screaming your name and delighted to see you. You can't really go through life without that affecting your mentality. Yeah, that's a demigod life, isn't it? That's not a normal, healthy lifestyle. You can't really go through life without that affecting your mentality. Yeah, that's a demigod life, isn't it?

That's not a normal, healthy lifestyle. Like footballers, when people are like, oh, he's a bit arrogant, it's like 50,000 people sing a song, a parody song about him every week. Every time he does his job, 60,000 people scream like mad for 30 seconds. And he gets paid 100 times the national average or 200 times the national average. When I see like... Pop stars as well. Pop stars have got like...

That affects you when you're young. Pop stars are young, aren't they? It's their formative years. So they're making money quicker than they should. There's no apprenticeship. There's no graft. You instantly succeed. If you get to the second album sort of level then you you set up for life and what do what drives a lot of young men is basically impressing women and and working to that i mean i'm generalizing but that's true for a lot of young men and if you get all of that on a plate early,

you're literally on a pedestal. You're getting fucking girls. You're getting money. Of course you're going to be a little knobhead. The chances are you're going to be, by 21, a bit of a dick. And then it becomes like, you know, they're actually sound. Yeah. You know, like it becomes remarkable. Like you said, Carl, it becomes remarkable when they're not

a prick like heather mills said that about paul mccartney when they divorced yeah they were like what's it what was it like to to be with paul mccartney obviously it was quite a nasty divorce and she was like imagine living with someone being with someone that has never had anyone say no to them since they were 18 years old yeah imagine that and he's now at that point he was like mid-50s when they divorced i think like yeah that will skew your fucking world you won't it when you walk around and like on a different level yeah and like just just to sort of tie back into what he's on about is i'm not like if someone's just all right when they're at that level it's noticeable

because like we're saying it would go to your head but like we'll stop fucking blowing smoke up his arse in a minute or I will

like he's noticeably sound it's not just like at the end of his Edinburgh shows and it's funny that we're talking about Sloss so much

when the guest today is Kai at the end of Sloss' Edinburgh shows he does his Edinburgh show finishes a 55 minutes and then goes right if you've enjoyed me here's all of my mates and their shows and he literally does like 12 people he'll go uh lauren patterson is at the guild of blue at seven o'clock mark

nelson is at the wherever at eight adam rowe is here and he does that and he doesn't need to do that a lot lower level comics do it but he's above here, and he does that, and he doesn't need to do that. A lot of lower-level comics do it, but he's above that level. He knows that that's a massive... It's just a noticeably sound thing. John Bishop. John Bishop. So yeah, I'd love to roast battle him.

When you get to that level of, like, you're a fucking comedy superstar, and you're sound. John Bishop, so sound. like a nice guy like people do have this like adam said in britain we don't like people to do well i think we do i think but the high you get people you've got your fans otherwise you've not got there but as soon as you're above the parapet the higher you go more people can see it we're getting it with some of the videos online the more people view them we're in theory having more people watch our stuff but it's also getting

more like who the fuck is this because you know we've like pissed them off or in it that works in celebrity doesn't it the more famous you get the more people have a chance to go well i'm not into it my favorite thing is when someone on the internet thinks it's like the biggest insults in the world that they haven't heard of you. Like, you think you're funny and that, right, but I've never heard of you. And it's like, I'm fucking gutted, Darren from fucking Coventry. I'm really gutted, mate. Yeah.

We had a bit of a thing this week, didn't we? Talking about those Facebook videos. We had a... You knew it was going to be Facebook. Yeah. Oh, you knew it was coming. It wasn't going to be on Insta. It probably wasn't going to be Facebook. Yeah. Oh, you knew it was coming. It wasn't going to be on Insta. It probably wasn't going to be on Twitter.

Yeah, we pissed off a load of racist dars, didn't we? Not dads. Dars. Pissed off a load of fucking gammon. I don't want to stereotype right, but all racists look the same. Like, they really fucking do. They really do. They're the exact same person.

Eh, well, this isn't even funny right and I bet they all I bet they all take fucking dick off black people because they clearly love black people and they just

why aren't they taking the piss out of everyone why are we taking the piss out of white people you haven't listened to this podcast

we take the piss out of every fucking cunt under this sun watch our back catalogue you fucking what did they call us black live black lives matter knee-taking puppets that was it yeah uh here's an idea for anyone with links with big tech and the edl and bmp develop an app for racists so they can spell quicker

on facebook comments it would do so well yes it a niche market, but if you could just help them channel their anger against people who aren't racists and people of ethnic minorities quicker and more efficiently using correct spelling and grammar, that would be tremendous because motherfucker. It would help us out a lot, wouldn't it? This is how bad it got, because our fans started taking the piss out of them.

This is how brutal it started getting. It started getting to the point where I started feeling bad for some of them this is how brutal it started getting it started getting to the point where i started feeling bad for some of the racists because when someone can't spell or write a message properly and like spelling mistakes that you're like if you don't check back and we've all done it we've all mistweeted and everything and it's annoying on twitter because you can't delete it you've got to kind of ride or die but you're like you're like oh my god if you write that there the whole thing doesn't make sense and you look like a massive spanner and there was one of them and he's really keeping on going for it he's an horrible piece of shit you can tell and then everyone's like mate do you want to check

the spelling and you can tell like he's going i'm not gonna do the fucking spelling and he's getting more annoyed and then he's still getting typos. I'm like, oh my God. I actually felt bad for him because if you cannot construct a sentence, if you just are that bad at it, I was like, is he special? He might be special. Is it a racist special?

I don't know. Oh, fucking brilliant. If you don't know quite what we're talking about here, we put a clip out from one of, was it from a Patreon? Yeah, yeah, yeah clip out from one of... Was it from a Patreon? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So from one of our Patreon episodes, I talked about the time in a queue after one of my tour shows,

a guy come up and complained that he's not allowed to say the N-word, but black rappers are. And I just told that story. I won't recount it now because if you want to check it out, go to the Have A Word Facebook page. It's just Have A Word. And find that clip. And the comments are a joy to behold want to check it out go to the have a word facebook page it's just have a word uh and find that clip and the comments are a joy to behold because initially we got a load of comments from

our usual fans going this is really funny or tagging their mates or watch this and then we got a wave of racists and gamins going well why can't i say it why aren't a lot why does the color of your skin mean whether you can say a word or not and it's like well you're ignoring the historical context of the word you fucking pieces of shit

one guy got so tangled up with it because someone was like debating him on it and you're like probably I don't ever comment on that

it could get so personal I'd be like I'm not getting involved in this there's literally no point it's good sport watching it but someone was

genuinely debating him on it and by the end he was just sort of ignoring the whole clip like the argument he was making was the thing we'd taken the piss out of like that we were taking the piss out of a guy who was trying to justify using the n-word yeah there's no justification. You fucking moron. And it's like... And I love when people start really... This is what I enjoyed about it. Our fans know how to take the piss, but never go to their level. Yeah.

Never once did anyone of our lot, anyone of the Lid Army, get nasty, get abusive. One person took a picture of one of his... It was the one where he was like, oh, fucking hell, look at you Mr Muscle did you get ready for the advert it was really gentle

playful piss take and that's not the world they live in they live in that aggro pub band they're like fuck off oh yeah you're a big man aren't you why not I'll come to where you live

and fucking sort this out you're like no that's not what we're doing dickface we are gently gently ribbing you for being a moron but what they also don't realize which you know like we we're not going to hide behind this we on this podcast

we want as many people to see it and enjoy it as possible and the way we get people to find the full episodes of this podcast is we put clips out on social media and it just so happens that facebook's algorithm gets your video more views when there's fucking murder happening in the comments. That's what Facebook likes. Now, I'm not saying I agree with that policy. If anything, I think that makes the world a more divided place,

because aggro is... But they don't say aggro. They go, no, we want stuff that's going to provoke debate. If there's murder in the comments, it goes up. So that clip is now... We've had a couple of clips on my facebook page which has done quite well but on the have a word page that is our most viewed clip by such a considerable distance so all these racists who are like actually no these are fucking shit and i hate them and fuck this podcast you've actually you've

actually given our podcast more publicity than any other clip we've ever had. So if you want to help us out, go into those comments and very lightly take the piss. Keep provoking them because they'll keep coming back. They'll tag their other racist mates and we'll get millions and millions of views and half of them will be from racists

and half of them will be from people who think racists are dickheads. And that's exactly what we want. And yeah, we'll end it we'll end the fight when we find a racist that can spell and that might be for a long time. They called it the hundred years war

I'm still hating you fucking remtards Jesus Christ erm yeah calling a clip racist at the meet and greet was a touch I was like am I going to call this clip that I absolutely

am I love it if they go oh isn't that quite interesting fucking yeah that's what I am I love a meet and greet and I am racist that's what I am I really felt bad taking the piss out of because we in the video we were like you can't say the n word in a queue and I am the shit. That's what I ended up... I really felt bad taking the piss out of... Because in the video, we were like,

you can't say the N-word in a queue. Very few queues. I mean, maybe Runcorn Wilco's. Yeah. And then I was there before. And I felt bad. Literally, I was walking around Runcorn Wilco's going, maybe they know.

Oh, thanks, Dan. Just trying to sell fucking cello therapy, yeah? And pick and mix. And now we've got the BNP turning up. We can't sit, we haven't said that word in here for ages. A good five or six years that word's been banned in here. Welcome to Runcorn. I gigged in Runcorn last night.

I tell you what, mate. You haven't done a gig back yet, have you? Or have you? What? Have you done a gig back since lockdown? No, no. I was meant to, and I was really ill the other night. It's just, yeah, I had a gig, and it's just really not very well.

All right. Just washed over me very... No, it was bad. Two-hour illness, was it? No. Maybe a little longer. Three and a half. Just at the time you were supposed to be...

Just from the point I had to confirm the gig Until the stage time Yeah Oh it was rough Yeah You get yourself replaced I could just

Just about lift my hand To type I don't feel very well Can you call Freddie Quinn Thank you And they were so understanding so no I've not gigged thank god I got over that illness

yeah thank god otherwise you know if you had to self-hypnotise I might honestly that's one of the worries with COVID-19 and this year and the success of the podcast

I think those you know two to three hour viruses might be a bit of a problem for me going forward and they really hit hard on Wednesday night for gigs under 120 quid. Got my chest!

Symptoms! Symptoms! Dan keeps getting symptoms when he checks his emails. Are you still on for tonight? What? Are you still on for tonight? This is a public episode. It is. I'm looking forward to gigging there again. I, uh...

I'm back, mate. You are proper back. Did loads last week in the hot water, and this week, so yesterday, you know, during the first lockdown, I refused Zoom gigs. Yeah. And then I did that one for the comedy store,

but it was just the new act, and I'm fucking around, taking the piss. Yeah. Well, I did my first Zoom gig yesterday, because it was corporate. It's very hard to turn down any gig when they get past a certain figure. You know, that would have affected me.

If we'd have added a zero, my chest is clearing. I will see you at eight. Have some Benadryl backstage, please. Yeah, did a Zoom gig. And, like, was the easiest money I've ever made. Because they were like, you're hosting. And we've got Andrew Ryan, Delisa Chuponda and Hal Crutton. That's the line-up.

It has to be finished within an hour every act's doing 15 minutes so if you could just do 6 minutes at the top and we just want you to make the Zoom audience

because we had like the front row so there was like 20 people I could see and there was like 140 watching in total it's a corporate thing

this was it yeah it was a finance company from London shout out finance companies in london so i just had a little chat with always they've always gone to adam i mean that's how that's where he got his first gigs well i was going to be in a lot of people i don't know if you've listened to all of the podcasts but uh that's where adam started on the finance in london

circuit did his first gigs for 900 quid starting out lad yes so they went just do six minutes of just chatting just make them feel comfortable and I went okay so I literally went I know how much

you got paid for this it's so stupid oh god I was like who's the boss I was like you're right lad yeah

so usually you'd have to pay for like a full night out but are they going to invoice you for the cans they've bought for the house because it was their Christmas party and he was like they can't do that they put it on the expenses and I was like, yeah, so usually you'd have to pay for a full night out, but are they going to invoice you for the cans they've bought for the house? Because it was their Christmas party, and he was like,

they can't do that, they've put it on the expenses. I was like, oh, yeah, good. So we've got two girls here, you're both from Scotland, I believe. They were like, yeah, yeah. I was like, is it just policy at this company? You only hire people who sound like Lorraine Kelly if they're women? And he was like, yeah, got a little laugh, and I went, anyway, Andrew Ryan's your first name.

You fucking paid the rent with the shit Lorraine Kelly chose. Literally. Right? And then literally, so all three acts were meant... Did you gentle it up a little bit? Did you feel yourself just reining it in a little bit? Because that seems quite nice. Well, they told us not to swear,

but then as I was talking to the front row, they were swearing. Yeah. They went, you might not want to swear just in case any kids come on. And then, but then as I was talking to the front row, they were swearing. Yeah. They went, you might not want to swear just in case any kids come on. And then they logged in and I was like, you all right, lad? I was like, I'm fucking sick.

This means I'm in me house having a drink. And I was like, oh, so I can swear? And they were like, yeah. Yeah, of course. Because it's like the corporate booker is always a bit more nervous than the actual client about swearing. Yeah, because she has to go through Janet at HR

and she's like, well, I'm just worried about my bosses. Bosses don't care. they've had a vino. So yeah, they do six minutes at the top, and then every act's doing 15. The show has to last an hour, so it can't go over that. It has to be done by half seven. So what we want you to do is just judge it. So if Andrew Ryan overruns a bit,

then just cut a bit more out of your time. Like, we'd like you to do 15 in total, but, you know, it's the acts who are doing their sets, and every single one of them overran. So I did six minutes, 30 seconds, and 30 seconds of, that was Andrew Wright, he was good, wasn't he? Hey, well, your next act is Deliso Chiponda. Are you ready for Deliso?

Come on, I need you guys to make all the noise, blah, blah, blah, make some noise, and then the same for Hal Crutton, and I was done by half seven, and then I went out and did three real life gigs as well early show of hot water drove to Runcorn

did me own Runcorn gig when I got to Runcorn it was over running the police had turned up in the first break and it made the break like 40 minutes oh why

because some customer had said oh it's not COVID and it was COVID compliant the police turned up and went yes and got off oh yeah good on you the police yeah a customer who bought a ticket not COVID, and it was COVID compliant. The police turned up and went, yes, and got off. Oh,

yeah, good on you, the police. Yeah. A customer who bought a ticket. It must have been a customer because what they said is, we've had a complaint from someone who's seen the room

and said it's not COVID compliant. So it must have been. for fuck's sake. I hope that's them talking shit. I hope they were just clocked it on the internet because what type of bellwhip buys a ticket, gets in the room, and then goes, talking shit. I hope they would just clocked it on the internet.

Because what type of bellwhip buys a ticket, gets in the room and then goes, no, Brian, I'm making the call. Annoying. But that meant that the first break was like 45 minutes and it's only meant to be like 15 to 20. So when I got there, the middle act should have been off stage five minutes ago, but they still hadn't gone on. And I had to get back to headline the late show Hot Water, so I just pulled

the promoter over, I was like, lad, I'm really sorry, we're going to have to fuck the second break off, just do table service while I'm on, so Phil Chapman, who was meant to do 15 minutes, I went, Phil, do us a favour, lad, there's another gig, it's all going to work, so I said, just do 10, and I'll do me 20 at the end, so Phil did Phil, do us a favour, lad. There's another gig, and it's all going to work. So I said, just do 10, and I'll do me 20 at the end. So Phil did 10, Danny McLaughlin went back onto comp, and I went, guys, we're fucking the second break off. You've all made, they've done pre-orders for drinks

because of COVID. They're going to bring you drinks out, but Adam Rowe's going to headline the show. And they just came out, like, sort of American comedy club style. Put the drinks on the table. And I just sort of commentated on it while I did my set. Did that that back to hot water headline the late show did three gigs yesterday

including a corporate and I was still owned by half eleven it was like they're going to start calling this cunt rowey bags

that's coming hey they call me rowey bags and there's a reason for it they do call me rowey bags

and that's just because they've seen my fucking bank account. I've got three gigs tonight at Hot Water. Four tomorrow. All right. I think you're hogging the gigs, mate. Yeah. I think you're hogging the gigs.

Do you know why? I'm not even grateful for them. You're one of three comedians who's working in the whole country. Yeah, have you done a gig yet? No, no, I've not done a gig yet. How many albums done? He's done 26 this week. But Sunday, so obviously we've mentioned this a couple of times on the podcast.

Me and Carl run a gig when we're allowed called Secret Sundays. Never list the tickets publicly. Never list who's on the bill at all to anyone. And we're doing that gig on Sunday. And I've just got quite a few friends coming down who've either bought tickets or I've given them a couple and I've booked the bill myself. Carl's running the show.

And although I'm so grateful for all these gigs, I'm really happy to be back. It's all about that Sunday because that gig, you've done it for me a couple of times. It's got like a little house party vibe to it. Yeah, it's amazing. And yeah, I'm looking forward to Sunday. And I've already delayed.

Long live secret Sundays, eh? I've already told you that I'm not coming in on Monday. I'm going to do it on Tuesday because I'm looking forward to Sunday. And I've already delayed... Long live secret Sundays, eh? I've already told you that I'm not coming in on Monday. I'm going to do it on Tuesday because I'm going to be hungover. Yeah, good prep. Good prep. A hungover Adam once in a while on the pod is quite funny. But three times in two weeks. But when people are messaging going,

mate, lad, are you sad? I've got a number for the therapist. Are you into goth music, by the way? Are you in here? music, by the way? Are you an fucking emo, lad? Well, if that's not an actual fucking break. Today's podcast is sponsored by SupremeCBD.UK. Go and check them out.

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This is Have A Wad Are we back baby? Ladies and gentlemen Send me out You can see you've been practicing that rap battling And a bit of drum and bass emceeing Don DeMarco Bang

Bang I must admit I was a clown to be And a bit of drum and bass emceeing. Don DeMarco. Bang. Bang. I must admit I was a clown to be messing around. But that doesn't mean that you have to leave town. Come back. Easy, man. This is Pato Banton. Just wanted to let you know you're listening to Have A Word with Adam and Dave.

Number one podcast. That's Pato Banton. Bye-bye. Have you heard P Adam and Dave. Number one podcast. That's Pat O'Banton. Bye-bye, bye-bye. Have you heard of Pat O'Banton? Bye-bye, bye-bye. Oh, I love it. Like, if you don't know who Pat O'Banton is. You're young. No, but they'll know that song anyway.

Come back and give me one more drink. Baby, come back. Because I love like this. I love. Hey, thank you, Dean Moore. You absolute fucking legend. I don't know how you got Pato Banton to do a voice recorded message as an ident for the podcast. I don't know why you did it, but it's massively fucking appreciated.

The presents from Jilly B have been fucking amazing. But there is something about getting an ident when you've not even... I woke up to it. This is how random it is. He messaged it to Barry Dodds. So I woke up. That what? I've just realised. So Dean messaged me and he's got a new name on Facebook now.

His name, I won't say it, but it's not Dean Moore. Right. Because he's obviously changed it so that people can't find him for whatever reason. Okay. He messaged me a half one this morning with a 22 second play button, which is an audio recording. Bit late and random,

but this is for the podcast from Pat O'Banton. It's not a virus. Now, because he said it's not a virus, I ignored it. I was like, that's exactly what someone sending a virus would say. That's exactly what Pat O'Banton who is known for spreading viruses

around for but I was out of sleep and I was like nah I'm not fucking pressing that I love it how you've just forgotten that yeah

where the fuck has this come from there's a Pat O'Banton message so I don't know how I don't know if he's paid for it

but oh my god then because you didn't answer he's gone well I think Dean Moore listens God. Then, because you didn't answer, he's gone, well, I think Dean Moore listens to the Parapod or did before this, so knows Barry personally, so sent him the message. So I woke up from a message from Barry Dodds with a voice recording from Pato Banton,

the 90s UK reggae star. There has been some mental moments with this podcast last night I literally last bit of admin I did before

I turned my phone off and just didn't do any more after looking at racist going no you can't go fuck on yourself was just replied to an email

from a bin man in New Zealand who was like mate love the podcast I listened to it on my rounds I turned to Laura I was like I've just spoken to a bin man in New Zealand who was like, mate, love the podcast. I listened to it on my rounds. I turned to Laura, I was like, I've just spoken to a bin man in New Zealand.

And then I woke up to Pato Banton going, bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye. And well done, Dean, for getting him to call me Dave as well. Pato Banton has given me a shout out without actually using my name. You can tell who's now an OG. Yeah.

With the name stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Because we used to hammer it when it was just me and Adam pre-COVID. That was the bit, wasn't it? Because someone, who was it? Was it Ronnie that miswrote my name and then it became a bit? And now that seems like fucking 10 years ago.

Yeah. I love the fact that to this day, Showtime, Adam and Dave. Almost every time we get an email, no one uses any of our real names. It's another name beginning with A, another name beginning with D, another name beginning with C.

And we even had Fernando for our Finn as well. Oh yeah, the Finn turn's getting a bit of banter. The Finn turn. Oh, he's editing it. He's editing it at the moment. Yeah, he's in the edit. That was pretty, the Finn turn's. Oh, he's editing it. He's editing it at the moment. Yeah, he's in the edit. That was pretty... The Fintern's pretty funny.

That's pretty good. I thought you'd have that one. It wasn't me. I didn't come up with it. Someone's... He's editing right now. We can talk about it. He has no idea.

What? What? Nothing, mate. You're just slagging your laugh. You're okay. Not today. Get back to work, lad. Old friendly Finn

Jesus Finn's not in the mood You are We love your work We do Very grateful Back to it Back to work

He's good though isn't he We like him Have you got any correspondence Carlos I have I have a question here correspondence hey lids just curious about what you think i love it right when people send us emails nearly every email they get more creative apart from this guy all right lids just curious what are you eating what were you just munching on then, Carl?

It's a soother And it's a bit Oh, it's a soother I think it's coming down Have you got a gig coming up? Is it less than 150? I played 40 on Monday And it was fucking freezing

And it got on my chest And I'm a bit cold this week Oh, God, babe I know Honestly, I think I had the same thing Just before Yeah, just played 40 that night Yeah, that's what it was

Oh, I think it might have been Right I've got to go for blood tests Alright What, really? I think I had the same thing just before yeah did you play 40 that night yeah I think it might have been right I've got to go for blood tests alright what really it's not fucking what's the game I've got tendonitis in my arm

yeah but that's Adam innit the place is right but that's Adam innit not even the blood the place is right I'm talking if I'm talking about illness and then you're talking about

Adam's like yeah but I've been ill I've broke my leg yeah I've been ill what have you lost two parents I've lost three sure what is it that yeah I've been ill what have you lost two parents I've lost three sure

what is it that Bruce Forsyth on higher or lower what was that play a card that's the one yeah anyway

good 30 seconds that's why we're winning awards hey lads just curious about what you think about whether somebody's work

should suffer because of what the creator did. Example, Michael Jackson's music suffering because of what he did, or JK Rowling's book suffering because of what she's become. Should they be boycotted or should you be able to separate the art from the artist? And do you know anybody like this on the circuit? Okay. Okay. Oh, I feel a little bit of juice coming on, ladies and gentlemen. So let's start by saying I've done stand-up on this very topic and literally used Michael Jackson as an example.

And I had to stop doing the routine because Dave Chappelle on Sticks and Stones, one of my favourite stand-up specials, he did a very similar Michael Jackson bit to me and it sort of ruined... Dave Chappelle is a joke thief. Yes. That's what we're saying. Oh, yeah.

Dave Chappelle came to see me at the caves in Edinburgh and robbed me of a joke. So the routine I did, a paraphrased version of it. Can you imagine that? If on Secret Sundays, Chappelle was in the corner with a fucking notebook

and all the lids were like, Hey, rat! Chappelle, you fucking rat! The bit I did was essentially that comedians are held to a higher standard than any other form of entertainer. Now, that's a bit of flawed logic. It's not necessarily true, but it works as a stand-up idea

because when Louis C.K. got in trouble for being a creepy little sex pest, he immediately went from being arguably the greatest comedian of all time. Not for me. I think he's very, very good. But there was a lot of people who had him in the conversation as the GOAT. And he went from that, with the same people, to not funny. He went to not funny because it was like, well, he's talking about being creepy on stage and that's actually really what he's like. And it's become not a joke anymore. And I think it's quite funny that he went from not funny it went from absolutely hilarious one of the best ever to not funny for wanking in front of women that he had asked can i wank in front of yeah i think he's a creep i think what he did was weird and i think the the way he followed up by like trying to pressure

them into never telling anyone about it was absolutely reprehensible and abhorrent. And we've talked about this before on the podcast, and it's not okay. I'm not justifying it at all. However! But the fact that he can go from absolute goat to not funny for having a wank, whereas Michael Jackson probably bums children. He did, didn't he?

And, like, no one's bothered if a Michael Jackson song comes on at a party, are they? You're still getting up for Billie Jean. Billie Jean's a banger. So my routine was basically like, you know what I mean? Like, he did fuck kids, but this is a fucking tune, this mate,

so let's let it slide. Well, I made the mistake of mentioning it in my school in Japan because I've mentioned Japan again, but they're so cut off from the Western world that they don't know or care about anything like that they just loved his music

yeah and when when art's big in Japan like music it's massive from the Western world because there's not much gets over there so Michael Jackson over there

is huge and he came on in school once and I'm sitting in the lobby with about six students and a couple of teachers you just shouted nonce I didn't go that far I went

oh that's weird innit listening to this coming on and they all looked at me and went why do you not like Michael Jackson I wasce. I didn't go that far. I went, oh, that's weird, isn't it? Listening to this coming on. And they all looked at me and went, why do you not like Michael Jackson? I was like, oh, I don't like his music, but you don't really hear this anymore. And they went, why? And, okay, buckle up, everyone.

There's a load of five-year-olds like, Sensei Carl? What are you talking about? And I just went, well, it's been a bit of legal trouble in the last couple of years, wasn't it? Oh, fucking don't stumble that down. I was like, I don't know.

You best Google it. I'm not really up on it. I was like, I'm not going to tell on these shag's kids because we don't listen to his music no more. I really loved doing my routine about that because I put it right at the start of my show because it was the most offensive thing I said in a whole show which had quite a lot of potentially offensive routines in it.

And I put it there specifically so you couldn't get offended by anything else. My angle, which was far too similar to Chappelle's. Chappelle's was essentially, it's Michael Jackson. He can do whatever he wants. And my angle, and obviously Chappelle was joking, by the way, before anyone takes that seriously. My angle was there are worse pedophiles to have been fucked by. What did you say?

You got fucked by the goat? Yeah. You got to fly around the world. You got to play with his monkey. It's better than some fucking cunt who works in Greggs. Dave Johns used to have a bit that was about the back catalogue. You judge the paedophile by the quality of work. I used to love it.

He's like, Gary Glitter, do you want to be in my gang? No, I fucking don't, Gary. Which is spot on as well. I think it's a difficult one and we're probably, this is really blowing smoke

up our own arse because I think after everything that's happened on Facebook this week and the fact that we do take the piss out of a lot of stuff probably be on the line for a lot of people like modern sensibility like if you if you're going off sort of London, LA

New York the sort of Twitterati who are like well this is not woke and this is unacceptable and these are the pronouns and you can't say that we're probably way past that line but I think for most normal people there is a middle ground on it. I think there is an argument to say

once you've committed these crimes, it's very difficult to be like, ah yeah but it's a good song isn't it? Yeah. The Lost Prophets. Yeah but that's... Mate, mate, it's the lost profits yeah that's i mate mate i know it's not it's the same i know i know shit yeah i fucking love that the fact that it's really interesting actually the fact that you went

and but you can sit there and we can talk about michael jackson openly that's exactly that's exactly the point we're making now you don't know the story with the lost prophet it does doesn't it but it isn't yeah I know it's weird I don't mind

an American nonce I don't mind an American nonce but I don't want British nonces

keep them out of our playgrounds do you see what I mean I have that song when we're

going nowhere. And it's a fucking banger. I've got it on a CD that one of my mates made me years ago. And I've randomly had it in my, like, you know, I had a wallet for my car CDs. This is going back, like, 12, 13 years. I thought you were going to say months. 12, 13 months. This is going back to March. It's going back to 12, 13 years and it's... I thought you were going to say months. 12, 13 months. This is going back to

March. It's going back to lockdown one. And I stick the CD on sometimes. I've still got a CD player in the car and it comes on and you're like, oh no. Did you skip it? It's still a banger. But in your head you're like, because

with Burkhardt this guy really did try and fucking, oh my God. Rock and roll part two by Gary Glitter is an absolute stonker as well. The most heinous thing you can do to... To me, I just... For some reason I did the boycott of Michael Jackson, Joe and everyone did it, after leaving Neverland, is it? Yeah.

I was like, do you know what? If it comes on, I'm not going to turn it off. I won't actively go to his thing and listen to it after leaving Neverland, is it? Yeah. I was like, do you know what? If it comes on, I'm not going to turn it off. I won't actively go to his thing and listen to it anymore, but... I'm not going to download it, right? I'm not going to buy it. But if I'm in fucking Asda, and it comes on, I'll fucking moonwalk down the meat aisle. Because it's still a banger, isn't it?

It's still a banger, though, isn't it? And he wasn't... Yeah? He was a banger. He wasn't having sex with kids in the video. No, he wasn't. Oh, my goodness me. Not in the radio edit, anyway.

Good point, Carl. Good point. He never recorded himself. Pedophilia is one thing, but don't do it on camera. Do you know what what I made some people feel really uncomfortable with that routine as well

on purpose so what I would do is I would say to someone in the room I would ask the room who thinks he did it who thinks he didn't do it so I was like right if you think he did it

do you still listen to his music and someone would go yeah I do not asked it's amazing it's really good stuff and I was like what if he'd fucked your niece do you think you did it? Do you still listen to his music? And someone would go, yeah, I do. Not asked. It's amazing. It's really good stuff. And I was like,

what if he'd fucked your niece? What if your niece was one of them or a family friend's kid or your kid? Would that change it? And then they were like, yeah, it would. And I was like, so what you're saying is

musicians can fuck children as long as you personally don't know them. That's a weird line to draw it's a home isn't it and you do feel more affected by it but that's but that but that's the bullshit person that we take the piss out of all the time like i love comedy i love comedy but my dad had a stroke and i hate comedy about strokes so that's a bad comedy i mean i love all of the comedy like that's bullshit like it's a bullshit like when it's fucking i like comedy that doesn't affect me

in any way i think that's fucking what about comic what about comedy about warwick davis he's a little person what about if you know a little person well then that's not funny it's not funny because i know kevin spacey sorry one sec do you know what's really funny right so I just I nearly mentioned this before but I forgot to I just want to tell you

something I said on stage last week so I was doing I've got a joke about midgets at the minute and one of the bits in it is that if you're offended by this

thinking my midget friends would be really upset shut up because you don't know any midgets the only people who know midgets are other midgets and people rich enough to buy midgets. It's a funny line, right?

And a girl at the back went, actually, I know a family of midgets, right? Is midget the word? No. No, but she was like, I said, do they like being called that? And she went, they're not arse, they've got a great sense of humour. And I went, oh, so they're all sound. She went sound she went yeah and i was how many of them is there and she said five and i went you only need two more for it and i didn't even get to finish the word panto

and the audience just went when it were laughter it was really a really nice moment of someone going actually and i thought it was going to be agie. And she's like, no, it's Sam. There's five of them. You only need two more for the pats. I know a family of midgets. What a strange thing for people to say. What about actors?

Can you watch Kevin Spacey stuff anymore or any other actors who've been in? I remember when Kevin Spacey got outed and someone tweeted a picture of a snapped

usual suspect disc and said, fuck him. And I was like, he's already been paid for that copy all you've done there is deprive yourself of one of the greatest films ever made well that then that becomes a problem doesn't it because like there are some classic films and i like some of the older stuff and do you have to do like a an inventory of all the crimes and

so what about cultural things that are out of order? Like racism, we're talking about the racist guy in the meet and greet. And obviously we're applying modern rules on what's allowed and what's not allowed. Not that the N-word's ever been like, it's fine, come and teach the primary school class. But like, if you go back,

when Maradona died, there was one female footballer refused to pay his respects because he was accused of rape she sat down in a it was a women's football team and they were all doing a moment silence and she sat down and went nah fuck him you got accused of rape i'm not doing it and so how far do you track back when you're watching films from the 60s these guys were like there's so many instances Sean Connery battered women yeah John Wayne John Wayne had had all of these accusations against him so what do you do you just shut up shop and it's I'm not saying you do or you don't it's just an interesting argument you've got to draw your own line haven't you it's like one of the things I said sort of privately when Louis CK got out,

it was like, comedians, a lot of them are fucked up. They're fucked up. And look, I'm not in any way defending what any of these horrible people have done. I'm really, really not. But they're going to do occasionally creepy or bad things and they're going to panic and be like how do

i stop this getting out the thing with louis was it there wasn't criminal charges and that's why there was a bit more debate with it yeah because it came on the back of harvey weinstein who who had used his power to rape women yeah and and louis ck the news broke at the same time it was when the me too movement the wave of that was at what is at its highest and rightly so fair enough he got he there was a lot of collateral damage from that the reaction over here was exactly that was very reactionary and i think it was in places out of proportion. There were a lot of comics who went, is it that bad?

It wasn't the whole industry didn't turn on him and go, he's done. There was a bulk of people. When I first heard about it, my initial reaction was, don't really think he's done anything wrong he asked women

to go back to his hotel he wanked in front of them after he'd asked and they'd said yeah i i feel like and when they said no he didn't do it and i was like not really sure he's done anything wrong and then i found out that he and apparently his agent a couple of times basically bullied these women into not telling the story and he's a very influential, famous powerful comedian at the time he's one of the big dogs and he was doing this to younger like

women who were trying to take their first steps in a career. Look we don't know all of what happened and we never will but my understanding of it is that he did this which is a bit creepy but everyone's a little bit creepy at some point i suppose or well i'd like to think i wasn't to be fair but i think everyone has got it in him yeah yeah once that orange t-shirt comes off if he was blaring black

taste my joy um these are why the secret sundays try and get tickets and you'll find out what the secret is what's chapelle doing here fuck off mate put your pen away but it was creepy but not that bad but to be like listen if you tell anyone that i do this i i'm a i'm a very powerful comedian and i'll make sure you don't get gigs, and I'll stop your career. It's bullying. And I think the fact he's outed as like a sexual predator, and I don't really think he is.

I think he's a dick-swinging bully. Yeah. And they're different things. He's a bully and a creep. Yeah. But we sit here as straight male comics in an industry dominated at the working roots by straight white comics yeah and promoters are mainly straight white blokes slightly older and

and there's a lot of women in this industry who've had to deal with these fucking creeps some of them have been attacked some of them't, but a lot of them cite instances of being basically, maybe not assaulted, maybe not to the point where it's criminal, but being leched on, being put back, like having comics try it on

in a forceful way, using their position, basically bullying them to do stuff they don't want to do. And it's fair for that part of our industry to go, guys, this isn't fucking all right. We're sick of it. He became the poster boy for a lot of fucking creeps in our industry.

And it's very difficult to be like, nah, I don't think he did much. It's almost like people weren't listening. I know you and I didn't. There is a point as well where you have to step back and go not really at the time i was like i feel like we need to just listen as well and watch this play out a little bit because the people went who went hard in the paint of like this is fucking bullshit so you're like but are you completely ignorant of the situation like no I don't think it's wrong he didn't do anything wrong he's not being convicted of a crime so fuck that

you're like I think there's more nuance you've got more responsibility than that I'd like to think I remember I'm sure I've mentioned this on the podcast before but like we do that all the time to the robot wars one

to the robot wars yeah the erm did you ever work in Envy that's when it was I was there's an American comic a New York guy

called Lewis J Gomez and I remember a tweet he put out in that second wave of the Me Too movement and it was I think there is definitely

creepy and even rapey people on the comedy circuit there is definitely creepy and even rapey people on the comedy circuit there is but I reckon there's more on Wall Street, comedy is actually one of the safest industries, there's just creeps everywhere and people on Wall Street don't give a fuck about being cancelled on Twitter and I think that's

he put it in such a succinct way I was like because I'd like to think our industry is quite safe, it needs to be safer. Absolutely. And girls need to be able to be like, he's a gobshite. He's just said this to me or he did this. And those creepy cum promoters need to be ousted completely. And another thing is Hot Water, my home club,

gets quite a lot of shit from certain comics because they say they don't book enough women. But you're muddying the fucking water there, aren't you? With that argument, like, it's a separate fucking argument. Oh, yeah, yeah, no, totally. I'm not really comparing that. What I'm saying is, like, we won't go into, like, the politics of hot water and, like, why they get accused of that.

And, you know, they've got a very strict policy of, if you want to play this club on a weekend, you've got to come down and do gigs for free midweek so that we can see and judge whether you're ready for the weekend. And some comics are just above that and they're like, look, I don't want to come and do an unpaid tryout. You either book me or you don't. And that's sort of where that comes from.

It's their policy and they've got every right to run their club exactly how they want to run it. But with the regulars at Hot Water, I'm telling you right now, if there was ever a creepy comic on that bill with a girl on and they tried to do anything, they'd be fucking battered in the green room. Like, certainly the comics I surround myself with, the lads who I hang around with in comedy,

if they seen any sort of creepy behavior from a fucking rat of a comic, they'd literally get their teeth knocked out. I hope it's better. I think it is, but I'm not in a position to be like, our industry's definitely improved. I hope it is, because I know a lot of people are working to make it better.

Yeah. There is definitely a lot of dog shit industries that are so far behind ours, but that's not a reason to... To not improve ours yeah we need it's the industry is different from when I started

we're the least rapey industry it's like well yeah but you're still oh listen there's been a few there has been a few rapes but there's loads more rapes over there yeah I tell you what else is coming, and I will enjoy it when that wave

breaks. When some of these fucking horrors that we know and have heard about get fucking named and shamed. The guys who we are literally in no position to name.

There's a couple with fucking weight. There's a couple of big name comics with super injunctions. We're not allowed to mention any names, but there's a few that you would be very, very disappointed in. Now, if literally. It's coming.

It's coming. And you can answer for it. If we mentioned them here and now, the podcast would get sued and every penny we've got would be fucked. But yeah, there's a couple

and it's well on its way. And you will see me do a little fucking tubby man dance when those names come out. Yeah. I'm a massive fan of one of them as well.

Yeah, so fuck you, Sloss. Oh shit, I've said his name. He's a callback from before. It is not Daniel Sloss. Oh shit, I've said his name. He's a callback from before. It is not Daniel Sloss. One of them broke my heart. Yeah. My formative years were based on this person's stuff. Well, at least one of them didn't break your arse.

Anyway. It's time for Evelyn. Sorry. Do you want to do one more question? Yeah. How are we following that How the fuck Are you following that

I don't know If you can I'll be impressed It's gonna go It's just from Dominic Is it funny Yeah You can make it funny

Yeah Dominic Clare This is from You wear an orange How do you feel About breakdancing Being the We're not gonna be able

To follow it I've just We've literally Just called out Rapey cunts And then we're like What do you think to follow it I've just we've literally just called out rapey cunts and then we're like what do you think about breakdancing

it's not a real sport it's up to you what do we think about breakdancing in the Olympics in the Olympics what do you think I think finally

we get to the juicy things I'm sick of talking about all those accusations that was a little bit lightweight for me a little bit daytime television that's not what we do here

in half a word is breakdancing going to be brand new this year no so in the 2024 2024 Olympics breakdancing's in but parkour isn't

parkour that'll be the next one yeah what sport would you add to the Olympics sometimes things are just too emotive for me can I answer mine now

darts darts 100% darts oh my god imagine d add to the Olympics? Sometimes things are just too emotive for me. Can I answer mine now? Darts. Darts. Olympic darts. 100% darts. Oh my God. Imagine darts in the Olympics. Take three Olympics. Call back to an old episode.

Mine would be jet skiing. Olympic jet skiing. How'd you win at jet skiing? Racing. But are all the jet skis the same? Yeah. And they're all going on the same water? Yeah.

No, they're not all the same. But it's like when you play Mario Kart and one of them's got more speed, but bad turn. You have to pick. I'd like Mario Kart in the Olympics. Fucking get the red mushroom flowing out. Yeah.

Fun Wars. Fun Wars. Oh, yeah. Fun Wars in the Olympics. Ever seen the Rock, Paper, Scissors Championship? One, two, three, four. get the red mushroom flowing out yeah thumb wars thumb wars oh yeah thumb wars in the olympics ever seen the rock paper scissors championship one two three four i declare a thumb war is he good at these

no he's only got little fingers fucking you don't call me rowdy thumbs why are you weirdly sweating get down for everyone listening they're having a thumb war yeah um

have you seen the rock paper scissors suck my thumb rock paper scissors championships that's ruined my day you know ah ever seen the rock paper Scissors Suck my thumb Have you ever seen the Rock Paper Scissors Championships in Asia No I'm genuinely quite pleased

Like big massive arenas For Rock Paper Scissors Mike do you know Weird you should say that About a month ago Etta got into Rock Paper Scissors It's fucking great She's so good pleasure for everyone. She's so good.

Can she just go scissors? It's the most amazing thing. I can just see. She goes, rock, paper, scissors, go. So that's rock, paper, scissors. I don't know what she... But she literally just goes... And I can see in a three-year-old head,

she's like, nothing beats scissors. It's so sharp. It's just going to keep going. And I think it was like the second game we played, I was like, oh, oh, this is her form. So I just sort of play around with it. I'm like, oh, paper. Oh, you got me.

She's like, yes, daddy, I got you. And then the next one, I'll go. She's like, oh, yeah. Scissors are sharp. Yeah, she can play stuff for everything. She'll have the remote

falls off the bed. Yeah. Rock, paper, scissors, you get to. Oh, really?

Yeah. Has she got form? Has she got, does she lean anyway? Does she, she plays a lot, so she's good. I always feel,

I always feel paper's vulnerable. That's why you go for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, never go with my daughter. The smart move to go first is paper, because that person thinks you're going scissors

and always go rock. So always go paper first. All right. Do you know, literally, this happens to me all the time, you know, because we started talking about rap battles at the start of this episode, right? When I start talking about rap battles, I can't get rap battles out of my head.

So every time someone mentions something, the amount of things that we've mentioned on this episode today where my brain has remembered a rap battle bar from Don't Flop and it's just doing it now and I need a break because my brain's just doing 100 mile an hour. He's gone. So breakdancing, good or bad? Let's give a quick overlook.

Adam? I don't really think you can be good at breakdancing better than someone else. I think it's so open to interpretation, it's hard to quantify it as an Olympic sport. But gymnastics is the same thing, isn't it? You see, your initial feeling is like, well, if there's judges involved,

then how is it that that's like figure skating, the diving? Yeah. What do you think, Dan? Good or bad? I don't know. It can only be good things. I have more creative things in the Olympics.

It's just going to get people going out and doing shit. Yeah, they're not letting... You say creative, they're not doing like Olympic drawing, are they? No, I don't mean that. It's all draw the sunflower. People go, oh my God, Blake dancing in the Olympics. I'll go and do that rather than sit in my house. Yeah.

More sports in the Olympics is only a good thing, isn't it? Yeah. Is skateboarding, is the X Games stuff in the Olympics, I'll go and do that rather than sit in my house. Yeah. More sports in the Olympics is only a good thing, innit? Yeah. Is skateboarding, is the X Games stuff in the Olympics? Pretty sure. No, BMX and stuff like that, innit? Yes, if you're going to put breakdancing in, get skateboarding in, look at him. So if there's cycling, innit, like BMXing and there's skateboarding, innit,

why did you both look at me like I'm an idiot last time when I said jet skis, innit? Because it's the same thing. What? Listen, Adam't it? Because it's the same thing. What? Listen, Adam, we went over it on the video. Jet skis have got motorised engines. Yeah. That's not... What?

Bikes are the person who's riding it doing the skill. Jet skis just sit on it doing... Jet skis don't go on... Yeah, you need to do... Oh, you need to train your hand, do you? Yeah, I have been as well. Hey. Check out that video on Facebook.

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on the planet nice one it's not itchy anymore but it's getting redder will you fucking stop doing that either show me a rash or stop doing that

no no don't get it out we've got Kai Humphries here mate oh bye bye bye what's your rash no he just

does fucking just dives in with an intro yeah it's like those fucking brendas on facebook who are like

oh my god just got the just had the test fingers crossed he's just fishing aye he's just fishing he got me

he got me I was concerned about his health yeah Kai's bowing in like we need to sort out I was like I've had pretty much everything

have you had pretty much everything yeah I knew it I've had scabies you've had scabies I've had sc much everything Have you had pretty much everything? I knew it, I've had scabies You've had scabies? I've had scabies, that fucking sucked Is that herpes? I've had herpes on my mouth but not my cock

More of a sucker than a fucker Scabies is where lice lay eggs under your flesh And they fucking grow under your flesh And they leave you with like fucking big nests of eggs Under your legs and that And you've had that? Enjoy your breakfast and they fucking grow under your flesh and they leave you with like fucking big nests of eggs under your legs and that. Welcome to the Habit Word podcast. Enjoy your breakfast. How do you catch them from lady friends?

Well, you know, I was going out with this last friend on the right side of the tracks in Blythe and he took some of my clothes. Is there a right side of the tracks in Blythe? No, I wasn't on them. He took some of my clothes, come back and I wore my clothes again

I blame it on that I think so alright so is it like an STI via some trousers it's not an STI it's not

nah you can catch you could have caught it off me just having it scabies scabies aye it was so itchy right and what I did

is I put the shower on piping hot until it would like burn your skin off and just blasted in the area where it was

and that was the only time I had relief from it oh my god piping hot until it would like burn your skin off and just blast it in the area where it was and that was the only time I had relief from it oh my god how long did it last felt like ever felt like a while yeah it's hard to explain that

for like especially if you're single isn't it you know one night standing like what are they oh these are my eggs yeah

these are the lice I'm just a host I'm a host for these fucking parasites that are on my body have you seen Alien do you want to share them I've probably shared I thought you said you looked doubled I'm just a host. I'm a host for these fucking parasites that are on my body. Have you seen Alien? Do you want to share them?

I've probably shared. I thought you said you liked me. I've probably doubled in this case. Oh, it's brutal when you're that age, isn't it? Because you just go, oh, it's just fine. Just ignore it. Like, that's the age when you're like, ah, nah, it'll be fine.

I'll just burn it with the shower. Burn it with the shower. That's class. Thrush, I've had that a bunch of times. I think that's bad hygiene, though. Thrush, you can get that as an ST's bad hygiene though so thrush you can get you can get that as an STI can't you

but you can't I think it's like if you've had a lay and then you didn't wash your cock immediately yeah Kai just before you do your thrush story

Carl's going to get the mic in a little bit closer I just need to hear this in full volume Carl's mid wank and he wants to be able to finish speaking of which

wanking with thrush soothing it's soothing soothing I found aye Carl's mid-wanking he wants to be able to finish speaking of which wanking with Thrush soothing it's soothing soothing our phone aye I thought Thrush I thought Thrush was more of a

lady problem yeah but a lady you can get it on your tongue problem yeah I haven't had it on my tongue

thanks for showing us your tongue well herpes up here not down there Thrush down there not up here right keep them separate they've got their own thing going on in my mouth and my cock never mix my diseases Well, herpes up here, not down there. Thrush down there, not up here. Right.

Keep them separate, you know. They've got their own thing going on in my mouth and my cock. Wow. Never mix me diseases. This is like the most working class. We got a doctor in. And now we've got people with medical problems. I've got a fucking rash.

This is my introduction. Yeah, people as well. I feel a bit too hard too fast, don't I? Well, you're one of our most requested guests, actually. Oh, nice. Yeah, whenever we do a little shout-out on Twitter and that, like, who do you want to see? A lot of people do try and sort of shout you out, yeah. And when Sloss came on, everyone was like, well, where's Kai?

Where's Kai? Like, you're a married couple, and that is starting to fucking happen. I'm ringing comedian friends. They're like, yeah, yeah, so how's it going? I'm like, good, and I know what's coming. How's the pod? And I'm like, yeah, Adam Good. I'm like, I'm just I'm ringing comedian friends they're like yeah yeah so how's it going I'm like good and I know what's coming how's the pod and I'm like yeah Adam good

I'm like I'm not I'm his fucking pod wife we've also had a couple of like promoters recently be like just want to get

you and yeah I'm going to get Dan on as well and you you know we'll just like if you can promote it via the podcast and we're

like you're not fucking paying enough for that 120 quid in fucking stoke you can fucking remember when i tried to fast track book you because i thought you'd get in a gig on uh i was celebrity get me out of here so funny shameless as fuck wasn't it and he he didn't realize what he'd done as well so right uh gareth war for no reason totally no reason just started a rumour

that I was going to be the new host of I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here because Ant McPartland got fucked off because of his thing if you're starting

bullshit rumours by the way make them weirdly believable it's so funny that was a good one I was just playing if it's too silly

I was like class couldn't you get him on punch drug before I kind of get him Gareth Waugh's a Scottish comic. He's so good, isn't he? He's like your big mates with him. I love it how he's just let that information get toward you.

That's fucking great. Played it right. Played it correctly. So he'd started that rumor at like midnight one night. I think I was already in bed, and I woke up to two texts the next morning. Two. One from Daniel Sloss saying,

mate, just heard about the Amosleb job. Such a great thing for you. And another one from him going, hiya mate, long time no see. I was wondering if I can get you in for me gig. I haven't heard any particular information recently.

Can I book you anywhere? Yeah, he booked it in and then about two hours later, someone went oh no that was bullshit and he was like fuck

once it's in it's in yeah I was like look Kai I know exactly what happened there and I am very happy for that Monday night booking did you

was there a little flicker when Sloss messaged going well he's done TV maybe you know something oh no I knew what you was there a flicker from me being like have I got the job no well he's done TV maybe you know something oh no I knew what you

was going to flick her from me being like have I got the job no because you hadn't applied for it no you hadn't auditioned

for it I can't imagine any world in which another comic would find out that I'm the host of I'm a Celebrity before I am

I feel like that would be a bit of a weird one it's not how it works you don't get you don't get TV shows by just fucking finding out there is a little bit of foreplay with. It's not how it works. You don't get TV shows by just fucking finding out.

There is a little bit of foreplay with an agent and with a producer. It's not like, right, we've chosen the host of the fucking Royal Variety. You've got no choice. Bang. Would you do it? Would I host I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here? Well, no, because Ant and Dec have got that wrapped up on it, unless fucking Ant goes on a booze up again.

Yeah, but there's some names that have a host, don't they? Yeah, but don't they have the I'm a Celebrity extra? It'll pop out of Joel Domet for a bit. Yeah, yeah. I would absolutely host it. He loves that gig, would you? Of course I would. As long as I could still do me stand-up.

I will do anything that facilitates more ticket sales. How would you feel about if you had all the ticket sales in the world, but everyone just got put off by you swearing and that because you've got this daytime TV? I would take the big money from that

first tour and all the shit shows. And then trim the audience. Have your workouts. Feel with it. Just take a year of just fucking

people getting pissed off and leaving and the people that stay and love it, that's your crowd. So you just like grow the bush and then trim the bush.

I had that anyway. Even your other analogies are weirdly sexual they're like fucking herpes fucking trim the bush cut the bush I was tight with bushes

your head went there mate didn't put your I had that anyway when I got that Dave's best joke of the fringe that last week was just old people

they were like he does puns and then I'm on stage going fuck fat people and you could just see them like this is not what we paid for at all it was really fucking

like that can happen it happened to Paul Sinner didn't it yeah that's that's the curse of the chase what TV would you not do like what what like

mainstream TV would you be like probably wouldn't compete in Crufts no I think that would be degrading you're sure

would you host it though I would fucking love to see it if I'm running through hoops and that and through tunnels I'd be like oh I'll do that comics are looking at this guy I'm the fucking sellout

what a sellout comic I love how in Kai's head it wasn't presenting Crofts it was actually look it's best of breed the blithe collie look at him I don't know

wet nose pedigree pedigree blithe he's got a few rashes All within the family All the way up until the 18th century He's got two tongues That's why he has to stick one in the mood

When he's talking about which one had thrush I think there is a line where you'd be like Nah, I remember my agent a few years ago Five, six years ago Going CBeebies There's an opportunity with CBeebies I was like, what are you talking about? Do you not do CBeebies? What are we on abouteebies I was like what are you talking about do you not do CBeebies

what are we on about why not I want to do this I want to do you can't do CBeebies in this you can't you can't do it once

it's like when Eddie Murphy Eddie Murphy is like one of the most raw offensive comedians ever and then he does Daddy Daycare

like not at the same time he wasn't doing raw and then filming daddy daycare was it he changed gears for it yeah

it was when he got older like Beverly Hills Cop kind of era was when he was doing raw you can't do fucking have a word and see BB's

I've actually like stepped across the line that I would have drawn for myself once and it was me and Tom Horton got asked to do something for Big Brother's little brother right and I didn't want to date at all right and tom was it was it needed

to be both of us for some reason right and they were like uh tom was like now the noise next door lads have just done these just left the noise next door they've just done the palladium or something like that right he's like he was just on this thing where he needed to push i'm fucking i'm right in the mood here but also if you've never if you've never seen Tom Horton he's like he's the son of a like the general he lives in the tower of London

he's the son of the head of the military yeah the captain of the tower and he's so like hello I'm one of the lads but I don't sound like

any lad you've ever known and he's one of my best mates yeah he's a quality guy total fucking different ends of the poverty spectrum I've been round to his house in the tower of London I mates. Yeah, he's a quality guy. He's a totally fucking different end to the poverty spectrum. I've been round to his house in the Tower of London. I was in London and he was like,

you want to come round and I'll show you around the Tower? Nah, it's boring. See you later. There's a picture of me in 110s, the scousest shoes in the world, and a Philadelphia Eagles T-shirt stood on the turret of the Tower of London. He's walking around, he's like, that's Hitler's toilet. I went, what? He went, yeah, that's the toilet

they made for Hitler in case they ever captured him. No one's ever used that toilet because it was only for Hitler. It's where they kept

Queen Elizabeth and Thomas Morenal, that's where it's all like old stone, like dungeon and then it's just got this like armoured titch tank

plumbed in toilet for Hitler. Right. And where does it, where does Tom and his family live within the, is it like a fucking,

the Queen's house? It's called the Queen's house. Right. So there's like a, I shouldn't give you the dress away on a podcast but queen's house it's called the queen's house right so there's like a I shouldn't give this address away on a podcast but I'm sure anyone will break in

I'm pretty certain anyone's gonna rock up on his hoose and I think even if you did I think they'd find it even if the tower

it's fucking crazy and can it get sky and shit yeah you can have yeah yeah they can I found it dead weird because

you know how rich I am the smile I got television weird, at least tell you it's only about that big. Watch it once a year. He picked me up outside Wagamama's because there's a Wagamama's right outside his house because it's the Tower of London.

Yeah. And then we walked into the Tower of London and you know like the guards, the ones that aren't allowed to fucking blink or sneeze or anything, the ones with the hats and that. You know what I mean? Aren't they beef eaters?

No. Right. So there's one of them and he just went you're right lad and walk past them and then he just opened the door and i went you leave your door open and he went yeah don't really get many security breaches around here because there's a fucking armed guard over there so i mean him got asked to uh dress up as flies to be flies on the wall of the Big Brother house, right? Fuck's sake. We did it and I'm in fucking costume dressed as a fly and Tom's dressed as a fly and I'm fucking hating me life, right?

I'm like, this is fucking humiliating. We're doing quips. We're pretending to watch things that happen and seeing these lines that were wrote for it and all that. You know, all the good ones that were wrote get cut because they're too risky or whatever. And then we're just doing the fucking B-list lines as flies and I was like

oh I'm devastated about this and then something big happened in the hoose like someone was racist and got kicked or something like that

and all the focus was on that and my thing got cut and I've never been happy in my life but there's still a picture floating around of me

and Tom dressed as flies that was me lowest moment there is a line in there there's that thing where you're like

I need the money it was like 150 quid man it wasn't even dollar it was 150 quid you lowest woman there is a line in there there's that thing where you're like I need the money and oh it was like 150 quid man it wasn't even it wasn't even dollar it was 150 quid and the flu was how did you say yeah

to that Tom got us on the blowout I'd said no and Tom got us on the blowout and went oh Kai how are you man we've both got a date so like

you can't put that on your TV credits can you Kai Humphries as not seen on Big Brother's Little Brother as a fucking fly cut from the fly on the wall section of Big Brother's Little Brother as a fucking fly I could from the fly on the wall section

of Big Brother's Little Brother not even oh my god fucking relief man I hate TV stuff like that where you just you see it offered out and you're like

oh no please don't offer it me because I'm a whore and I might do it because I like money the other day Talking Heads won it was the like

biggest things of the year I did one of them and I might do it because I like money. The other day, Talking Heads won. It was the biggest things of the year. I did one of them. And I don't mind saying that it was absolute dog shit. And then they... I hope they don't watch this. They emailed me about... Because it didn't come out for like seven months. And they were like,

just to let you know, this is going to air on Saturday. And it'd be really great if you could just give it a big push. And I was like... I rang my agent and I was like, I'm not going to promote that even a little bit. I'll just take you, get next to fuck all, I thought it was like 300 quid or something. Do they just, so if you've never seen them, they're like,

they show you all the funny clips of things that happened in the news that year. And then do you genuinely, they're not pre-written, the things where you're like, oh yeah, I remember. Do they show them you're on the screen and then you just ad-lib the answer? I can't remember even what my one was, but basically, yeah, so I was sat, they'd hired this bar, and I was sat in this small room of the bar, the camera's on me,

but you're talking to the producer, so I'm looking at this guy, so where Carl is, and he's like, right, so I think, I don't think they did show me it there and then, I think before it did gone, right, you're going to be talking about this one, this one, and this one. So I don't even remember what the episode was, but he was like, right,

so what did you think about this one? And I was like, yeah, well, you know when this happens, and then he sort of looks at you, and he's like, are you done? Was that the joke? Okay, cool. And then he does the next one. It's just you and this guy and his camera guy in a room. Weirdly humorless, isn't it?

He's just like, okay, right, and then the next one. And. Weirdly humorless, isn't it? He's just like... You're cracking jokes. Okay, right. And then the next one. And I was like, oh, that was so fucking awkward. He's not allowed to say anything back. He's not allowed to be like, oh, really? What about... He just has to wait and go, is it finished?

It was, yeah. I didn't think I was a good customer for them because I went on because I clearly got wheeled in because Geordie punched a horse in the face. Remember that? So I got wheeled in about that. So I was happy to talk about me dying. I was happy to talk about Geordie punching the horse

and then they put us onto this one where it was like Katy Perry and Robert Pattinson sitting on each other's knees singing karaoke. I was like, wait, I'm not talking about that. I want to know what you think of it. I'm not going to pretend to have an opinion on that. I know why I'm here. I'm not going to pretend to have an opinion

on those two doing karaoke. Oh, I remember when this happened, I was most disturbed. Did you not going to pretend to have an opinion on those two, Dean Carioca. Like, oh, I remember when this happened, I was most disturbed. Like, fuck off. Did you just refuse to talk about anything that wasn't Geordie's punching? I've done a couple of just that one. I was like, Pasca, that one is someone else. I want that.

Oh. Don't want to. Not for me. Not for me, that one. Are you actually a Geordie Geordie? Are you classed as Geordie? No Thumbrian. I should roll me R's when I do that.

That'd be authentic. I can't, though. No Thumbrian. Because Blythe is not Newcastle, is it? It's still Geordie Geordie are you classed as Geordie Northumbrian I should roll my R's when I do that to be authentic I can't though Northumbrian because Blythe is not Newcastle is it it's still Geordie Newcastle's my club we've got a

non-league team Blythe Spartans which is class but Newcastle's my city centre that's where we're going for a night out for shopping

we've got the tune so we feel like Geordies and anyone from more than 40 miles away just thinks you're a Geordie I zoom out I'll even say if I'm on stage

in Liverpool I'll probably say I'm from Newcastle 9 times out of 10 unless I'm talking about my hometown I'll just say I'm from Newcastle

just because he has a Geordie accent but if I'm going to Newcastle I'll definitely say I'm from Blythe I could actually say I'm from Newcastle

on stage in the Gann not quite hear the twang I think so hear a little bit of Blythe yeah of, yeah. I can actually say I'm from Newcastle and Stig and again they're not quite, they'd hear the twang, I think so. Hear a little bit of Blythe? Yeah, of course, you can hear it. You can hear a

fucking different bin. I can actually, yeah. In Liverpool, so I can tell you whether they're from North or South Liverpool, whether they're from the Wirral, St Helens

or Ormskirk, like you can, everywhere's got, like South Liverpool's a lot, Thomas the Tank Engineer, Ringo Starr, the Beatles

yeah you know what I mean like I'm from Egbert Road myself that's where I'm from you know what I mean like that's South Liverpool and then the further north you get

like Rob Thomas Bootle is yeah you fucking like Jamie Carragher you know what I mean you've got to pass the ball it's got to be faster yeah yeah

when you get up to I went to uni in Newcastle and like everyone we were there with just Middlesbrough Sunderland you had kids from all around the North East

and everyone hates the local big town don't they that's the thing the football rivalries we're not them and just if you're not from the North East

of England you're like everyone's a Geordie I'm the old Geordie you all sound like Geordies and when you've been there a bit you're like oh I can hear it a little bit

you hear that like the school computer yeah super duper that's super duper yeah yeah yeah but Blythe's like just north

and then it gets Ashton where it gets totally different again because that's Pit Yack you know the main communities they've like been

down the main who's from Ashton Ross Noble's from Ashton Tramlington Tramlington Ashton I didn't think there's comics from Ashton

no I like it up there you know because I've been to Blythe quite a few times because of you basically I didn't think there's comics from Ashton no I like it up there you know like because I've been to Blithe quite a few times because of you basically because I'm a celebrity

yeah because I'm a celeb job Kai got me in for fucking everything but I've spent time up there to do your gigs and

when we did the boxing and I felt like an affinity with Blithe just because that boxing night which we've it'd be stupid to have you on and not talk about that night, is so burned into my memory

because of how fucking unbelievable it was. It was a fucking ruckus. What a day, man. I think that was the best night of my life, and I'm not even being hyperboloid. I'm married, mate, and I'm the same. Yeah. It was... I just remembered

that people would be watching no I love you darling did you fight did you did you fight I fought against my brother yeah I fought against Garth

and I met your brother him and Garth took the title of fight of the night off me and Elliot Steele we had a we had a fucking war me and Elliot

your fight was when it ramped up. There'd been a couple of fights. I think there'd been Phil Nicol and Tom Horton had been to stoppage. And then did Barry Dodds and Matt Reid. Barry Dodds, man, he was wearing a condom, wasn't he? Yeah. He was dressed in lycra.

A full body condom. He didn't just come on. He was prepared for penetration. Wore a unitard and had a panic attack. Amazing. Love that, man. He'd sold the rights for a donation unit for penetration wore a unitard and had a panic attack amazing love that man he'd sold the rights for a donation because we were all trying to raise money

to the event we've spoken about it a couple of times but it was to save the life of a kid who had cancer he needed to go to a medic and it was going to cost hundreds of thousands and yeah so a lot of us were like if you sponsor me for 100 quid I'll wear whatever you want to go into the ring I fucking know.

Milo McKay got sponsored to wear a Sunderland top in Blythe, right? Like a big Newcastle hotbed. Sunderland top with Shearer on the back. You know how I know that? Because you sponsored him. Because it was my 100 quid. What's he doing? I didn't know that.

I used my insider knowledge on the North East. People were asking for sponsors. I was like, I could just throw tenors at people. But then Milo was like, mate, could you do us a favour I used my insider knowledge on the North East. People were asking for sponsors. I was like, I could just throw tenors at people. But then Milo was like, mate, could you do us a favour and throw us a sponsor? And I was like, what's the... And he went, mate, if you 100 quid and I'll wear what you want. I've heard that story a million times, didn't I? Because I went to Union Newcastle and you knew how much it would piss off

every fucking Newcastle fan. I was like it was the best hundred quid and I love it that that story has got the notoriety that you've just told it back to me fucking yes because the crowd like fucking because the crowd saw him and you just feel this like tension and then because of the nature of the night everyone just tried him like a wrestling heel like a little billion that but it was like I was like fuck that's that is it

that's unforgivable for for Newcastle fans in it like even like yeah it's for charity fuck I would give that one

didn't do that to Hashira fucking brilliant and then it built up to and then their fight was the first one that

was a match yeah the first one that was a match up that were like oh we don't know which way this is gonna go well I

I was very very confident before he arrived and he's both way that's what was good about it he's both had the winning mentality but I didn't realise he has the winning mentality

for fucking everything parking a car he's like I'm fucking great at parking a car I'm the best at parking it's the natural it's a good attitude this is gonna be a quality shit yay thin park in a car he's like I'm fucking great at parking cars I'm the best at parking at least they're natural it's a good attitude this is gonna be a quality shit yeah get on that well

when you fit because I when you first started putting match-ups together I wanted to fight Freddie Quinn and Freddie Quinn wanted to fight me but you didn't really know Freddie at the time you were like he hasn't done my gig I want people who've done the gig I wanted the audience to already have a little bit of insight. Yeah, and you're like, so we're not going to book Freddie for that? But Elliot Steele wants to fight you. And Elliot's a mate of mine, but I'd met him years before, and he was skinny as fuck, and I was like,

can I fucking kill him? And then when he turned up that day, he'd had a fucking growth spurt. He was fucking ripped. He looked like fucking Prince Nazeem. I was like, what the fuck have I been set up for here? Yeah, he got growth hormone and went extra gangster didn't he

I mean I refuse to say that Elliot Steele was ripped I'm not giving him that he was alright he was svelte the way I remember this loci

is Amir Khan turned up to fight me in my head it's a true Rocky story with where did you clock him beforehand like in the

dressing room area so we all got there very early yous weren't tired of each other before the fight were you well I tried to yous didn't pretend

to be nice to each other I went up to him I was like you alright and he went I'll speak to you later and he fucked off because he was determined to win

and I was like alright I get it and then just before the fight he gave us a hug he was like let's go and do it and then yeah we're in

the ring and i'm too competitive so i think we were fight four i think i think carl donnelly and bobby mayer okay before us as well that was a fun one that was class there yeah just just give him your lunch money john robertson on the comment read like uh i think it was bobby mayer had him like down and punching the back of his head like some illegal punchers and John Robertson just went just give him your lunch it's such a cunty move to get comedians like it was Mick Ferry

one of the commentators that's how to make it fun he was Elliot Steele's corner man Mick Ferry right because the commentary was getting pumped out around the stadium as well

the stadium the sports hall and you could hear yourself getting roasted while you're getting punched in the face oh brutal getting battered twice

I couldn't hear a fucking thing me I was so I was so determined to try and win that fight and when he knocked me down because every other fight before us as soon as someone went down

it was over and I just remember the referee going to me wait because I stood straight back up I was like get out of my fucking way and the referee was like

where are you and I went the ref was like where are you and I went what and he goes where are you I need you to tell me where you are I need you to let you

carry on I went Newcastle Blive which one do you want just fucking move and he went okay this kid's ready to fight

just give me the postcode Jesus yeah and then what happened we went the distance but did you get a good one in I

so I got an uppercut in which I'm sure we touched on this but I

in the second round you went up to the next layer of the sports you know of Mortal Kombat where you punched him through and you're in a different zone

so he knocked me down in the first round in the second round he slipped it wasn't a proper knock So he knocked me down in the first round. In the second round, he slipped. It wasn't a proper knockdown, but he slipped. But in the second round... But you've got a good photo

of you stood over him. Oh, yeah. I'm like... I nearly took his head off. I put everything I had behind it. And then the third round, I couldn't move my arm. Like, there's a photo, we'll slide it in here,

of my, the day after, there's loads of bruises here, because I'd burst a couple of blood vessels in my right arm when I uppercut him, right, so in the third round, my arm is by my side, and we're just jabbing, like, the third round of our fight was a bit shit, because I'm just trying to jab him away, I'm just, like, just going just gonna get through him but he didn't go for the kill and after the fight i went to him i was fucked in that last round i couldn't move me right arm why didn't you come for me and he went you you nearly knocked me out with that uppercut and i thought for the third round that you were just preparing another one he said i just thought you just had it down there ready to get me again and i i didn't so I didn't want to rush in

in case you did it and I was like I just couldn't move it at all mate that's quite a fucking injury isn't it that you've given yourself yeah it was like

the picture from the next day like it's just all like all purple in spots all the way up there Milo fought didn't he yeah mate Milo fought against Dave Haddingham Jesus Christ Milo

look I mean Milo he probably trained for it though like I don't think like if if Dave Haddingham had trained as much as Milo had trained, it might have been a fair fight. I mean, these are all comics. A couple of these names you're like,

you're not comics you'd expect to be fighting. But Haddingham's a bit tasty, isn't he? He's a bit older. Yeah. From days away. Been involved in some fucking deals. He's a scary person to be stood opposite the ring. I'll give him that.

But Milo looked, I mean, Milo always looks amazing. We did those ski gigs. Remember getting to those ski gigs? This is about six years ago. And the wife of the person who owned the chalet, we had a fucking great time,

was sat there and had had a couple of glasses of wine. We'd literally got there the first night. She's met me before, the year before. She's just met you. She's just met Milo. And it's just like this at Milo

like mid conversation just goes you could be a male model I'm like alright roll your flaps up

he always looks kinda good he's like catnip to aunties right yeah yeah aunties love him you know what I mean

so but he really he was bulky and he was ripped he was looking in he was ripped, wasn't he? He was looking amazing, Shane. Oh, he looked like a boxer, Milo, like, that nice. He looked like an actual boxer.

You know what's mint, right? Milo's just so good looking, so charming, good athlete, good at boxing, right? And he's just got everything going for him. Mint comic, fucking smashes gigs.

He's got everything going for him. I had to follow him last night. Nightmare. To the point you fucking hate him. Yeah. Then we went skiing with him and you went, ah, that's it a cunted skiing knees together knees together heels out and tucked like that like doing the speed cup holy shit i forgot about getting off that mountain it was the worst kai i've forgotten about getting off that mountain the one where it rained the one where he was taking so long that you and me were waiting for him and we were having genuine concerns about are we gonna

have to ski down and get him help is the wolves because he's had it yeah it was going dark it was the end of the day and once it's gone dark on the mountain you're fucked and he'd had a fall and had just gone to like a four-year-old, like, pizza, french fries, pizza, french fries. And it was painful, and he was getting more and more scared. And we got off that mountain, literally skied off onto the bar. It was, like, ten to five. It was, like, half four, ten to five. It was dark.

We then got shit-faced just because we were still alive. He's a fucking bellend of a skier. It's survival mode for him. Yeah. Oh, my God. He got a sore thumb or something, didn't he? He did a little boo-boo on his thumb. was still alive aye he's a fucking bell end of a skier survival mode for him yeah oh my god he got a sore thumb or something didn't he he did a little boo boo on his thumb

and then he just forgot how to ski he had like three meltdowns this beautiful athletic man going I can't do it

I just can't do it I took a time lapse of the slope when he was coming down and you could see everyone on the time lapse wasn't doing it Milo just at regular speed on the time-lapse.

But genuinely, me and Kai were having chats, going, what are we going to do here, mate? Because we could both ski. You can snowboard, I can ski. We were like, oh, literally, what's the plan here? And it had gone past the like, this is a fucking nightmare, to like, I'm a bit worried that we're going to die on this mountain, waiting for a fucking grown-up five-year-old.

Was that the same night that the skies opened as well? Because there's one bit where it started raining and you didn't normally get rain up the mountain, but it just turns the snow into slush. It was just horrendous terrain. I've never been skiing. I was supposed to do altitude this year for the first time, but obviously it went in the bin. That was the biggest loss from the COVID for me, is missing altitude. I was really looking forward to it. You love your fucking ski gigs. Sorry, I've interrupted the Mil love fight and then i need to hear about you and your brother so i i'll

say but you could tell a story because obviously it's your story like there was so much emotion that night there was 800 people in this tiny shithole of a town like the one i grew up in it was all behind this unbelievable event the momentum of the because it was a time sensitive charity Cian needed surgery immediately

needed his operation and that immediately it was only available in America not on the NHS so we needed like something like half a million dollars

half a million pounds in fact it was more than dollars and we had to raise the money fast enough for him to get the operation in time and everyone in the

community in the comedy industry, just got behind it in force. So the energy on that night was the accumulation of the momentum that had gained in the build-up of it, of all the other events and stuff that had been going on. So the buzz was there, wasn't it? And the fan base you've got for your comedy nights in Blythe

is like... I've genuinely got goosebumps now thinking about that night. But what Hot Water have done in Liverpool, and what you've done with Punch Drunk up there, in Blythe is like it's like I've genuinely got goosebumps now thinking about that night it's really what Hot Water have done in Liverpool and what you've done with Punch Drunk up there it's not replicated

in many places is it that like real sense of community the community vibes they're like they're part of something you've got 300 people

in a gig on a fucking Monday remember getting there the first I did one of the first ones going what the fuck is going on who's baby's sitting out there, children.

I've never seen a room as busy on a month. And you were like, oh yeah, it's so busy. We sold Tuesday as well. You're like, what the fuck? Remember full rooms? Remember that? Full rooms. Like, so the energy in the room,

second to none. My plan, because I hadn't drank for like three months before that night, because I wanted to lose weight to get like ready for the fight. My plan was the I hadn't drank for like three months before that night because I wanted to lose weight to get ready for the fight. My plan was the second our fight was finished to climb out of the ropes, go straight to the bar and get two beers and down them. And I couldn't even do it. My heart didn't stop racing from that fight for about 40 minutes.

And I know that sounds a long time. I'm not exaggerating. Backstage, I was like, I couldn't explain. The best gig I've ever ever ever had is about 5% of the feeling I got post fight and I fucking lost as well right

and there's a doctor there you had like a proper yeah it was a proper set up like it was because we used the martial arts gym millennium martial arts

done it as if they were setting up like a proper one of our events even though we weren't athletes they were setting it up like there's probably more reason

to have all the set up really isn't it i when so you went into the ring first i think and then gav went in second is that right yeah they're fucking i was so on the like they had like a cat walk essentially to to get into the ring so you had to put a walk in like you were elevated all the way through to the ring love it i was stood behind gav on the thing to watch him walk in. Macklemore can't hold us. Yeah, and he walked out with this banner that said, 800 of us, all part of a story where Kieran lives. And the noise and energy in that room when Gav bounced,

and when I say bounced, he fucking bounced into that ring. Macklemore can't hold us comes on, and he comes skipping, he fucking bounced into that ring. Macklemore, Khan Holders comes on, and he comes skipping down the fucking runway into the thing, and I started crying. I couldn't handle it. It was an overload of emotion for everyone. And built up through the night, and they know you, and they know you, and your brother runs.

Like, Gav runs Punch Drunk with you, and, like, well-loved as well. Both of you are so loved yeah it's it's nice like it's it was it also another another thing on our fight was um i asked about because we're putting my head guards on and i was just going to the lad that because you know they had like proper boxers backstage was warming up on the pads and everything i went do i have to wear these he was like well it's advised i was like you mean you have to wear them he was like well you know and i went gav do you want to just not wear head guards and then i was like well it's advised I was like do you have to wear them he was like well you know and I went Gav do you want to

just not wear headguards and then I was like fuck it took my headguard off and then I was like do you have to wear shoes I went in barefoot like a proto-gypsy

do you have to wear gloves do I have to wear shorts I know he's my brother but can I take knives let's make it interesting do you need teeth you smashed each other's head in. Three straight rounds.

But there was no technique. It was just swinging for each other. It was a scrap. It was like a car park brawl that we had. Which is the most entertaining, isn't it? Well, I find that, I like the UFC, and I always loved watching Robbie Lawler fights

because his defence isn't great. He just wants to gan in and batter the cunt in front of him, you know, so he'll gan in swinging, leave his cell open, and just guard with his face. Yeah, if He just wants to go in and batter the cunt in front of him, you know, so he'll go in swinging, leave his cell open and just guard with his face. Yeah, if you're not an expert in technique and, like, ground game and wrestling,

you want to fucking dust up. Yeah, aye. So I just thought I would just go in front and start swinging. And your fight was called a draw, and I know for those people who weren't there and can't understand this, that it's like, of course it was a draw

the two hometown lads who put the event on no one has to lose that but it was a fucking draw like they punched seven shades of shite out of each other for three two minute rounds just constant ale houses just taking punch after punch and giving them back and if you were trying to call this

fight you're like I don't really know they've beat the living shitholes of each other oh amazing that was like that was the popular consensus that it was a draw and it wasn't just in the spirit of the night and stuff but my dad thought Gav won

didn't he, Galford at all are you proud of me dad well I think Gav had it on my scorecard he definitely had money on Gav didn't he for that there you know you're a bit biased when you've got a bet on Well, I think Gav had it on my scorecard. He definitely had money on Gav, didn't he, for that there? You know, you're a bit biased when you've got a bet on. Yeah, a little illegal bookie in the corner.

There's so much illegal bookies going on. Was there? So many little side bets on the table's eye. Was there really? I had no idea about that. Yeah, he's got a lot of money changing hands. That wasn't for the operation in America, was it? That's for the kid.

This is for fucking dad. Did you used to fight your brother when you were a kid? Did you feel like you... Did you have dust-ups? You know what? He had a growth spurt and was stopped when he started battling us.

So we used to scrap for a bit and then it got a bit... He's a couple of years older. He's two years older than me. It got a bit more unsighted so I started being a bit more respectful. And then he used to look for us and that then he used to look good for us and that.

He used to stick up for us and stuff. So he was very much like older brother, harder brother for a bit. But then like... Don't fuck with Kai, because Gav will come and fuck you up. He would look after us. He wasn't notoriously hard and blithe,

you know what I mean? But he would still look after us. He's notorious. If he'd moved to where I'm from, he'd be the cock of the whole fucking county. But in Blythe, he's like, yeah, he's all right, become if he'd move to where i'm from he'd be the of the whole county but in blithe he's like yeah he's all right yeah it's kind of handy yeah i don't get i don't get the vibe that where you're from there's many handy scrappers i think gav could have been running the school the whole like district right he was uh he's he's he's like

one of them in here like he he's super positive but I would never fuck with him not that I'd fuck with you guys he's got he's got the best kind of disability

he's got this overactive enzyme that eats fat and it can be bad for you because it can affect like internal organs and stuff

but it means that he can eat anything he wants and he's ripped it's like a fucking superpower I'd lose an organ for that

I've been starving since fucking June honestly the cunt is always shredded like no matter what his workout regime is he's always shredded

I'd lose a kidney to be ripped would you a little bit yellow and fucking thin that'd be amazing I'd take some ripped Homer Simpson

I don't care if I cough up blood. I'm fucking smoking. Oh my God. We've got all the footage. We've got it professionally recorded, the box and that. It's online, so I'll give you the link for it

so that you can put it on your socials and all that. Oh, boss. Oh, they would love that. This has been mentioned a few times. We've never told the story. Back in the day when it was you and me in my fucking office, we maybe talked about it.

But there'll be a whole load of new fans that haven't heard this. I think they'd love to see it. I think they would. I've watched it once that night in Edinburgh. Because we did a screening of it, didn't we? We did. At Frankenstein's. We had a screening.

It was nice. And you know what it is? It's comedy all the way through. Rod Gilbert hosts it. He's the master of ceremonies for the whole thing and he is on point all the way. He was brilliant, wasn't he? He was punchlines everywhere, man.

And then John Roberts and Ankh at the commentary and there was a rotation like me, Jojo Smith, Mick Ferry, Gavin Webster. There was a handful of comics just rotated around being his buddy on the commentary team. Rod Gilbert was... Because I'd never met rod gilbert before that night and like not that you have a perception of him being a knob or anything from telly but when someone's that famous and clearly you know like to get him to host it was amazing you don't expect someone as big as that

at an event like that to be so sound but on the night out he asked me and Elliot for a picture he was like you two boys can we get a photo what's the three and I was like he was so sound

nah Rod let me have my night have some respect there mate and then you sort of forget like big celebrities like that to sort of forget about you when they see you

like where do I know you from and then a couple of years later in Edinburgh in the loft bar he comes up and he's like alright scrapper and I was like

how are you he's a fucking good guy, Scrapper. And I was like, how are you? He's a fucking good guy and a great comic, isn't he? He was fucking unbelievable. That screening in Edinburgh was great as well. We're all there. I'm stood with Elliot. We're like, let's get a pint and we'll watch it together. And the amount of comics who weren't part of the event,

who came to watch it. Michelle Wolfe, you know, big American superstar Michelle Wolfe, she come to watch that screening. I didn't even know that. She was there with JP. JP's the guy who books all the comics for Conan and he goes to Edinburgh every year so

the guy who books the comedians for Conan and Michelle Wolf, Netflix star done the White House Correspondence. Watching you up I couldn't. Elliot. Yeah. Watch Barry Dodds in a pink unitard. I mean Is this happening? I love it yeah you never done it again it's not it's not happening again this is this is thirst for it as

far as like audience and and comedians go like uh the people that are involved in making it happen wanted to happen right but I just what made it special was that it was a time-sensitive charity and like it was we had to come up with something fast. And that's what we'll come up with. And it would literally just be a shadow of the original. Oh, yeah. It never replicated properly. And it would raise money for a charity,

so it would be worth day. And the fact that we could source a charity that was in need and we could get behind that. But it would work. It just wouldn't be the same. We couldn't compare it. It couldn't possibly. Yeah. It just wouldn't be the same. You couldn't compare it. It couldn't possibly. Like, yeah, it happened at the right time

because there's a WhatsApp group, not a WhatsApp, like a Facebook group chat. And every year on the anniversary of it, I just messaging it like, it's happening on that happy anniversary. And then there's a little chat for a couple of days and then it fizzles out again. And I think everyone would do it again.

We'll do it when Cian's old enough to box in it. And is he all right? I will. Oh, amazing. It's a happy ending. That's such a comedian way of looking at it, isn't it? Like, it wouldn't be as good. If it had been run by promoters,

they'd have been like, we are doing this every year, maybe twice a year. Let's see how it goes. Maybe franchise it. I love it that you've gone, nah, it was just magical. It would dilute the magic, I think.

Yeah, it would have to be something else that was time sensitive. And I don't think praying for there to be another ill child so that we can just have another scrap. If we need time sensitive charity events, we can just take Milo to the fucking Alps, stick him on the top of a mountain, and see if he can get down in four days.

Fade for Milo's thumb. Never seen someone look so spannery on a fucking slope. He was pitiful. I wanted to bully him, weirdly. I felt like bullying him. Yeah. Tell you what, though, when we got to the bottom of the hill, this is not the equivalent, but I don't booze loads anymore,

but there's certain times when you're like, I want to be here more than anything. Like post-fight, when we got to the bottom of the hill, they call it apres-ski, which is a wanky 80s thing of like, oh, God, it's after. But, oh, that was so great. We're not dead. We're alive.

He nearly killed us! Amazing. Shall we have a very short break and then come back with some questions and some stuff like that? Yes, I think we should. What's happening, ladies and gentlemen? I just wanted to let you know

we have got a brand new line of merch available and it's not just the logo on it anymore. We've got some of our favourite quotes on T-shirts, hoodies. We're going to be adding loads more merch lines in the next couple of months. You can find them all at haveawaredpod.com. Also, if you're one of our treasured Patreon members, you get a little bit of discount on them as well. Check the Patreon pages and you'll find out what your discount codes are.

We'll see you in a bit. And for fuck's sake, buy a hoodie. From Texas to Skim, everybody is listening to the funniest podcast in the game. It has to be

Have A Word. And we're back. Enjoyed that poo. Nice. Did you have a poo, yeah? Nice. Quick poo, that. Well, time sent stuff,

wasn't it? I had to come back and couldn't really enjoy it. It was a poo for charity. Now when you have a poo, how? Nice. Quick poo, that. Well, time sends stuff, doesn't it? I had to come back and... It was a poo for charity. Now when you have a poo, how do you stem the bleeding? I think that's another medical problem, Kai. That's why we've quickly learned

about Kai's podcasting technique. He starts with medical problems and then it softens up. No one's answered. No one's answered no one's answered well I don't know how to stop it I just

you just pray I get a bit of blood on the tissue sometimes Jesus Christ you know when you like you never have like a bit of a day of it where you have like

four or five poos and you four or five poos oh dear you never get a call where you've waped too much and there's still stuff on and you're going

I'll fucking wedge a bit up and see if it fully oh my god. Never put a tampon in your arsehole. I just get in the shower. I get in the

shower mate. Do you know what? I can't believe everyone's like the French have got the B-day. It's so weird.

Totally makes sense though doesn't it? It's the best thing in the world. A little fucking shower for your butthole.

It makes sense. I was putting anusol on the other day. I was on my back fucking legs in the air mirror in front of us. It's got the little tube that youusol on the other day, right? I was on my back, fucking legs in the air, mirror in front of us, right?

It's got the little tube that you put up your bum. Sorry, for what? Anusol. Right. Which needs a better name, by the way, fucking Anusol. Anusol. You have to ask for it over the counter. So you had to do the baby change?

The full baby change? Is Anusol like an amalgamation of anus oil? Aye, aye. What did you take? I thought it was anusol. But what you say sounds nicer. was anus oil but what you say sounds nicer anus oil sounds even worse

cream for your fucking asshole aye arse arse cream so I put the tube up right legs in the air legs in the air

like a dead fly right and I fucking squeezed the tube couldn't just explode it in my hand I forgot to take the lid off

I fucking had the lid on your soul still on did you just start slapping it on your arse hole I had egg tube couldn't just explode it in my hand I forgot to take the lid off I fucking had the lid on yourself still on did you just start slapping it on your arsehole I had to pull it

out real slow because the cap I was like if this cap comes up I'll let the guy in fishing for it I'd done that I'd rubbed it in

I've got flat mates at the minute me lasses are more than fellas because we're moving hoots and I'm in with sloths and I'm running across the

corridor with fucking knee pants on and a handful of fucking anusol just hoping I don't bum into these glasses so I can bum into Cara like it's not how it looks are you alright Kai

is everything alright you're having to apply cream up your arsehole considering everything I'm alright I'm pretty resilient I'm a resilient beast yeah

yeah but you were squatting over a mirror the other day putting cream on your bum hole thinking I look like a dead fly and having flashbacks to that big brother's bit on the side yeah yeah but you were squatting over a mirror the other day putting cream on your bum hole aye thinking I look like a dead fly and having flashbacks to that big brother's

bit on the side just staring at your own arsehole thinking of the worst thing you've ever done in that one the one where I had the handful of anisole and knee trousers on

was the least degrading fly impression that I've done the least degrading oh Carlos have you got The least degrading fly impression that I've done. The least degrading. Oh, Carlos, have you got some fucking questions? Yeah. So earlier, Kai, you mentioned being on crufts.

This kind of ties in. This is from Dan J. Hiya, lids. This is short and to the point. If you were a dog, what breed would you be? Oh, I know what I'd be. If you were a dog? Yeah. So if you were a dog, what would you be be? Oh, I know what I'd be. If you were a dog? Yeah. So if you were a dog, what would you be?

Probably just some, like, mongrel, some just, like, cross of everything. Yeah, some little... With a sore little arsehole. Aye. Aye. I'd constantly go and run with one of them corns on, so I don't bite the stitches on my arsehole.

It's mangy. My fur's meant to be white, but it's kind of like a piss-stained yellow. A smoker's fur. Proper blind dog. You'd be a pug, wouldn't you? What? You'd be a pug.

What the fuck are you saying that to me for? You are quite puggy. You are a pug, yeah. How the fuck am I puggy? He's more puggy than me. I'm a great Dane. Saying that, you're more puggy. He's got breathing difficulties. me I'm a great Dane saying that you're more puggy he's got breathing difficulties

he's got a round face you're kind of snarl when you drink I think I think I'm a pitbull me and I reckon you're a pug yeah yeah

you're a fucking pitbull I'm a pitbull you fucking murderer of women if you raise if you treat me right then I'm quite nice but if you piss me off

I'll take your fucking arm off yeah you're a bit you're a bit nippy you know what I mean yeah you'd not be fun with postman I don't think I reckon Carl is

one of those longer gimpy ones Afghan hound oh they're great nice one fuck you one of them dogs that looks like

it uses hair straightener. Yeah, that's the one. Yeah. Like, what are they called? Yeah. Afghan Hound. Yeah, yeah. You're one of them.

I'll take that. He's a pug. I'd be a well-groomed dog. I'd be a Rhodesian Ridgeback. So fuck you. What's that? I don't know. It's not funny.

I just wanted to be a harder dog than whatever you were making me. And you went with Rhodesian Ridgeback. Yeah, it's a fucking monster. They're fucking nails, mate. Are they? I don't even know what they look like. They're lion fighters. Yeah?

Lion fighters. Yeah. I reckon... French bulldog. You can have that if you want. Which one's a French bulldog? Bingo. Why do you keep making me the...

It's like a pug. It's like a small... Stop making me the little fat monkey dogs. Why am I a little fat monkey dog? What animal would you be then if you weren't a dog? He'd come blind. If you weren't a dog? What animal would you be then if you weren't a dog? He's gone blind. What animal? If you weren't a dog, what animal would you be? I'd be a fly.

The fly life chose me. I'd be a huge fly life. Go on. Golden eagle. Lion. What are you? Some majestic fucking beast a flying lion or something I'd be a unicorn

phoenix the fucking west army unicorn I think you'd be a toad you are pissing me off through made up

animals as have you made up toads aren't made up you took the bullshit along on toads it's not existing that mythical beast from fucking why am I biting I have a view. Made up. Toads aren't made up. You took a bullshit loan when Toads is not existing. That mythical beast

from fucking... Why am I biting? From a real doll book. Why am I biting? Talks about banging my nana. I can just imagine you just sat there and it's like...

He's fucked as well because you like eating flies. Flies aren't animals that's why you didn't suck. Still an animal. Deep, that's called deep. Yeah. That's not good.

But aren't we all animals Deep down Let's not get fucking You'd be a flamingo Dan No he wouldn't be a flamingo He's no way That's a shout actually

He's not fancy enough for that He's pink He's definitely pink A pink toad A fat What A pink toad Just stop being hurtful

Tell me which majestic beast you are A griffin A bison Go on A bison I think maybe a dolphin I think you'd be a panda I think you'd make a good panda lazy fuck

a fucking dolphin can you imagine a special kid having to swim with him a fucking budget make a wish foundation. I went swimming with a dolphin. Fuck off.

Get off me. A cow's dolphin. He's spraying out his blowhole. He's there. There at the Albert Dock and there's Adam swimming around

with some dying child. I could be a dolphin because I like water you see but I'm not nasty enough to be a shark

but I'd fucking smash some nasty people's head. Are you sleek or are you hairy? No I'm quite hairy but dolphins are a shark, but I'd fucking smash some nasty people's heads. Are you sleek or are you hairy? No, I'm quite hairy. But dolphins are hairy. Fucking don't ding that.

Fuck off. I can't reach it. Do you want it? You can keep it over there, mate. I think I told you this. There was a guy at Hot Water once. Paul Smith went, what do you do?

And he said, I shave dolphins. And Paul went, dolphins aren't hairy. And he went, because I you do? And he said, I shave dolphins. And Paul went, dolphins aren't hairy. And he went, because I'm fucking great at my job. Of all the bullshit jobs that I've heard made up

at a comedy club, that is way up there. That might be the best one ever. Fucking rat. Dolphin, I reckon, oh, yeah,

a cat. Dolphin. A vengeful dolphin. I reckon, ooh. Yeah, a cat. Dolphin. A vengeful dolphin. I go around battling people. Fucking revenge dolphin. He knows it's not a fucking animal, is he? What, it is a dolphin? No, it lives in the sea.

And that means it's not an animal? I'm talking it's on the land and shit. I think a dolphin is an animal though, isn't it? Of course it's a fucking animal. What are you talking about? We're having this conversation. It's a sea creature, isn't Isn't it Of course it's a fucking animal What are you talking about I'm having this conversation It's a sea creature isn't it Sorry

I've got to be a land animal Yeah Oh You've got to be able to see Dan And let's go to him And say I'm a A jaguar

There you go There you go That's what I was talking about There's always going to be something It couldn't have been self-deprecating I know It couldn't have just been a squirrel Or something like that

Nah Nah nah nah You're a bit squiggly. I feel like a squirrel. Yeah? Yeah? I feel like a squirrel. I might just stop being who I really am.

Squirrel. Grey or red? You can't choose my animal. Well, what are you picking then? I don't know. He's a flamingo. He isn't a flamingo. Just a little monkey.

No. A little monkey? Yeah. One of them fun ones. Was it capuchin little monkey. Yeah. One of them fun ones. Was it Capuchin? Yeah. Yeah, one of them, Carl. Yeah.

You got another question? Goes on, Dyke. Hey. Hey. You know what a Capuchin is? Ross has one in Flens. Yeah. I'd love a monkey.

I wanted a pet monkey when I was a kid. My mum wouldn't let me have one. Well, I sure. Can you even get them? No. Mate, he could get you a monkey in three hours he knows people a shotgun and a monkey he's got he's got fake uncles that'll sort you anything out I love the connection we're working class people and exotic pets like it's so fucking class it's me fucking lizards and do you want a shotty yeah I was writing through me up on this. I love the connection with working class people and exotic pets. It's so fucking class. It's me fucking lizards and do you want a shotty?

Yeah, I was riding through Blythe once and this fucking kid went by on a BMX with a fucking albino snake around his arm, right? Just peddled by like this, right? And I just went, I shouted and I was like,

mate, is that, it was just before my wedding and I was back in Blythe just before I went out for my wedding. And I called him back, I was like, mate, is that a snake?

He was like, do you want to hold it? Do you want a photo with it? And I nearly took it and I was like, if this is a fucking scam that you play where I get your snake and you take my phone and then you fuck off on your big old ex. And I just turned up to my fiancée just before we went down.

Look, I've lost my phone, but I've got a snake. It's for the wedding pictures. And I couldn't, what can you do if you're left with a snake? You kind of just put a do. And I was coming to the sports centre. There's like a skate park there where all the kids are playing. You kind of just release a snake with them. Kai, how many times have you been ripped off

where you're constantly thinking maybe people are driving around with snakes to steal phones? What a complicated scam. It was a complicated scam, but now you're halfway there. You'd already done the heavy lifting. You had a snake.

I was asking this from your phone. I didn't want to trust that man with my phone. How old was he? About my age. Do you't want to trust that man with my phone. How old was he? About my age. Do you not reckon snakes are more expensive than phones, though? Maybe he's high, but I didn't... Could be a breeder. Maybe he's nicked the phone and nicked the snake,

and then he was like, why? He's just trying to constantly upgrade. He's going to use someone's phone to hold and take the car off. It's innovation. I would definitely release it into the wild. I'm not touching this. Fuck off. And then nobody would believe your story.

You couldn't take a photo of it because he's got your phone. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you'd be like, oh, someone took your phone. There's a snake. And you're like, all right, Dan, here we're going again. Oh, my God. Spinning a yarn. Like, you'd need to keep the snake as proof.

You'd need to be walking around with this predatory. That's just so people would believe. Snake bites everywhere. Just as the venom takes over. Save the pigeon! Call an ambulance. Someone took my phone. Albino snakes are 30 quid,

so it wouldn't have been any worse for your time. No. Albino snakes are 30 pounds. 30 quid, you can get an albino snake. Can we get one for the studio? Yeah, but not like an XL.

Yeah, but you could have it, don't you? Let me take the Christmas lights down and just put a fucking snake all around the gaff. No. I was like, I'm bliving now.

I hate them. I hate snakes. Someone tried to sell Barry Castanola rats. He was going to take the Christmas lights now and just put a fucking snake all around the gaff? No. I was like a blive now. I hate them. I hate snakes. Someone tried to sell Barry Castagnola rats. He was going to say the bookies, having a cigarette. Classic Barry.

And then this bloke opened the conversation with psst. Psst. Psst. Psst. Best start of a conversation I've ever had in my life.

Psst. Psst. Hey, want to buy any rats? Prop my quality rats. They've got a high-tech cage and everything. Prop my quality with a high-tech cage. Oh, my God.

The smell of shampoo and conditioner has been tested on. You didn't have them, right? But it was like, follow me to the avenues. I've got rats in the cage. We wanted a garn but we didn't yeah I'd have

definitely gone just for the material I would have gone out of that I bought three straps on the street to drive and then somebody this lad I went to school

with put on his Facebook status about three weeks later someone just tried to sell us four rats doing blithe not five not five so I'm like

they weren't that quality then were they right I want you to back me up on something here right because he thinks I'm like they weren't that quality then were they oh god I want you to back me up on something here right because he thinks I'm chatting shite I'm from

a shithole that I love and I know you are as well it's rough but it's yours but it's how it's how I see it yeah

right I reckon if I wanted to if I really needed to I could text a few different people and by the end of by the close of play today I could get a few different people and by the end of, by the close of play today, I could get a gun.

By the end of the day? Yeah. Do you reckon you could get a gun by tonight? I reckon so, aye. I don't know the person to get the gun, but I know the person

to get the person. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, I'm one degree of separation from the guy that can get the gun. Yeah. And I know exactly who to ask

to connect that. Do you know how many degrees I am away? I'm two, because I bring you. Oh, my God. When I said this on an episode a few months ago, he looked at me like, fucking divvy,

you can't just be getting guns. If you're from a working class town with the nice, right people, they'll sort you anything out. Rats, snakes and guns. Outside any bookies. Jesus Christ. Carlos.

Hello, I've got a comedy question here. This is from Richard Peel. Richie P? Peel-o. Ricky Peel-o. Peel-o. Peel-o-phile. Is there one bit of comedy...

I'm going to stick for him forever. Are you a Peel-o-phile? I love Rich. Is there one bit of comedy that you've seen that makes you jealous that you didn't think of it? You've watched it and it's just perfect. Yeah, that happens quite a lot. It's not normally with famous comics, that though.

It's when I see a mate do something so succinct and I'm like, where the f... It's never the most complicated routine, is that? It's the observational bit the Wozniak bit that has been in front of your fucking face for years and you've never articulated it the way they have the Wozniak watching telly in the car bit

yeah so Simon Wozniak do you know Simon? no you're going to know him yes I think I've met him you will know him he's going to be proper yeah and he's got this routine

which I won't bastardise, but it's about like he likes driving late at night because he can put a documentary on in the car and have a can of lager. And it's just so stupidly funny. And I had to follow him on Hot Horser a couple of months ago. And he's on his way up, do you know what I mean? He's a fucking really, really, really good comic who's just breaking into the clubs.

But I would rather follow Phil Nicol than Simon Wozniak because he's so similar to the type of stuff I do

Phil Nicol's a fucking he kills the room he smashes it to a point that you can't reach but at least he can change gears and do something different

yeah whereas Wozniak's so similar and he destroys and if he's in the middle and I've got to close I'm always like so I always watch him I watch everything he says

so I don't tread tread on the same stuff and I try and gauge what the audience are like and what I can get away with and I watched him do that bit a couple of months ago and I was crying

laughing at it and I was like it's just so like I've done a drive home wanting to put on my phone a million yeah so I get that

but it's normally with a colleague rather than an idol that. Yeah, sometimes you can enjoy someone's set and you're not thinking, oh I wish I had that because it's a set that you couldn't do, like you know if I'm watching Tom Stade, you need to be Tom Stade to do that routine because it's the way he is

that leaves that life into it but I remember I was watching an Apollo set by Jason Byrne and I was trying to write a set about when I had my eye operation, I had squint surgery, and I had to wear the patch on me, glasses with a prism on and all that. And then I was trying to construct something

and I saw him on the Apollo doing the special eye bit and I was like, oh, that topic is done and dusted now. I can't even get in there with my own angle on it. Yeah, because once you've seen someone do that, even if it's not quite the same bit, you can't write that bit. Even if you're like, ah, it's sort of different, I'll do mine. When you're developing yours,

you'll start leaning that way because you're like, ah, shit, that train of thought of the joke sort of dominates yours. Yeah, you'll start feeling like you're doing the beat tracks of their... The bit they cut out. The bit that didn't make the cut for them. Yeah, so that does happen quite a lot, good question I liked it

honestly I think back of all the comics you've seen and it's almost not about level I've seen open spots at Beat the Frog do a perfectly good set, fine set and then just have

one absolute, and then just have one absolute gem. And then you see headlines like you're saying about Tom Stade and your favourite bit of material from a guy who you think is absolutely untouchable. And then there's this one joke where you're like, oh, I could do that in my voice. Yeah, yeah. So when people say, oh, Gav Webster's panned a bit,

I couldn't do the panda bit panda you're going to you're going to town in panda hour it just wouldn't suit my voice couldn't get moved for panda yeah there are some bits that are amazing and your favorite bits that that you can't do but then there's bits that you see there's loads i can't think of a specific one but when you see a bit and you're like, that could be one of my bits, and you've, like Adam says it's right there in front of you and you've just missed it for your whole life

they're the best observational bits where everyone goes, oh god, yeah I love those bits I had this a couple of weeks ago actually with Rob Mulholland because he, and he's put this routine out I don't think he'd mind me mentioning it he was like

you know he's on stage at the Frog and he's like it just feels like they're just making up these restrictions as they go along

like Boris Johnson's got a big tombola and he's gone right that is gyms in Leicester closed and it was just so easy

and I was like oh it's just so succinct yeah next question next question this is from Ian Pringle this is on a podcast I know. It's just so easy, and I was like, oh, it's just so succinct. Yeah. Next question. Next question. This is from Ian Pringle. This is on a podcast-y kind of theme. Pringle.

What makes a good podcast for you guys, and do you think podcasts will eventually have the same influence on comedy in the UK as they do in America in terms of TV and exposure? So first question, what makes a good podcast for you? I reckon the chemistry is big. The chemistry between the acts on it. The hosts, yeah. Between the hosts.

I reckon that when you genuinely feel like you're with two good mates that are having a laugh. Yeah. You pick up the vibes from it, don't you? I really like it when, and I think we're quite good at this not to blow our own trumpet too much but Tom Segura and Bear Kreischer are great at this as well

when they make each other laugh to the point of crying not makes me laugh like watching someone else lose their shit laughing when you like them if you don't like people and they're laughing at themselves you're like oh these cunts but when you love both of the guys like the Bill and Bert podcast When you like them, if you don't like people and they're laughing at themselves, you're like, oh, these cunts.

But when you love both of the guys, like the Bill and Bert podcast is great as well, but Two Bears is fucking amazing when they really corpse. I like watching them genuinely having fun, because for me, if I want to listen to a really interesting podcast, I'll put an episode of Joe Rogan on with a fucking CIA operative on because that's there for that. I think that's what Rogan cases for rather than... And I'll obviously put a comic on that sometimes, but normally I'll put a podcast on in the car.

It's the only time I ever listen to them, really. I don't watch podcasts at home or anything. But if I've got a long commute, I'll put one on. And I just want to have a laugh. I just want it to be funny. So I tend to put one when I know that they're so clearly happy to be making the podcast and being really funny and what was the second part of this question? Do you think podcast influence in the UK will be as big

as it is in the US? So I think what he's getting at there is like in America obviously it's bigger now to do Joe Rogan than it is to do Conan. Yeah. Yeah, if you end up on Rogan's podcast, that's bigger than TV now. Yeah. 10, 12 million downloads and listens. What is it, 10 to 12 million?

It's fucking massive, isn't it? This podcast's done well more for my profile and career than any telly I've ever done. Yeah, do you know what? It does such a good job for your stand-up because people in the audience know you intimately before you talk and you get on stage and they're just like there's me pal and they're relaxed already so it's quite it's quite disconcerting at times though like a couple of months ago um i don't know whether i told you this on or off pod

but i did tell you that um i so i split up with me ex-girlfriend, Jade, right? And we'd mentioned it on the podcast, but it hadn't gone out yet. But in my head... And in the press release. But we'd spoke early on in the formative months of this podcast when we were locked down. We were speaking about our misses so often. Yeah.

And the listeners got to know Laura and Jade almost as well as they got to know us because we're talking about them a lot. On stage, you're hot water, right? And we've recorded the episode where I've gone, newly single man, we broke up, very respectful and I wish her all the best, but whatever. And in my head, I'm like, right,

the podcast listeners know about it. I was on stage, you're hot water. And I went, so I split up with my girlfriend recently and there was two girls to the Water and I went, so I split up with my girlfriend recently and there was two girls to the right of me on stage. I went to split up with my girlfriend recently and I just heard one of them go, Jade?

Oh, she was invested. It threw me off so much. The fact that they knew my life. Oh, it was fucking weird, mate. It really, really affected me. But people do get that invested. I remember I was doing a show in New York and me and Sloss were just with some podcast listeners

after the show. And I just turned to Natalie and asked her something because I asked her a question and I didn't know how to answer. I turned to Natalie and I went, Natalie, and the girls that were chatting to me just went, oh my God, is that Natalie? And left us and just swarmed around here

in a fuss around here. Because she had so much of a mention that they felt like they knew her. And I finally put in a face to the name and they were just like, oh, well, tack these cunts later. By the way, Laura is not into that. Natalie was weirded out by it completely.

She was like, what's that about? Like, she couldn't understand it. She couldn't get her head around how that even happened. Well, it's not, yeah. Podcasting is really intimate, but when you part, like, Laura loves me doing this podcast. She does not want people going,

oh, I know you know you like it's her worst nightmare it's exactly why we do this it's exactly what she doesn't want she just doesn't like the idea that people like it's just i don't think she's quite private identify herself at live shows if she ever comes as she she said she won't she if if she comes to a live show we are not allowed to be like laura's here and people keep people keep trying to find her on instagram and she's like nope nope nope so you can try if you want she's not gonna accept you because she's like not about that life so what happens in that is just like uh she's like what was that like how did that happen how long you've been doing

you've been doing podcasts a long time 2016 and it's sloss and humphries on the road and it's for when we're on the road it's for when we're touring together it's a to our diary yeah we do two a week and then when we're not on the road we do them just when we feel like it yeah we hit it hard through the first lockdown like people are going to be locked down alone it's people are going to need company and stuff uh so we'll bring it back for that so the first lockdown we've done it thick and fast and this lockdown we've only done one yeah yeah

we've made it every fucking day in the first one because it's the wave of people doing it is coming and I feel like you're a bit ahead of it

because of that following you've already got we've got ahead of it so I think the podcasting thing is going to be more influential but there's going to be

so many more of them. I started a podcast in 2014, and there was hardly any. I've got nearly 1,000 downloads on the first episode, which is ridiculous because I had no profile. And it was just because there was less podcasts out. Now there's so many more, and another wave will come from this year. Because me and Adam have done well, there's more happening in the Northwest because of it.

Because people go, oh, hang on. I could do something like that, and that's fine. Maybe they can, maybe they can't. But I think the influence is going to be, there's going to be more influence, but it's going to be harder to crack on with podcasting. Yeah, and we're going to get it back up. He's getting a studio built. Yeah, and we're going to get it back up. He's getting a studio built and stuff,

so we're going to get it back up and running. Now that I'm up in Scotland, there's no reason not to. We've done it over the phone and over Zoom and shit through the lockdown. So now we're back together. There's no reason that we can't do it when we're not on the road. It's going to be an hour away, Edinburgh to Glasgow.

One thing we have been doing is we've been doing streaming on Twitch, where we'll do like just one on one with crowds and it's class I just sit there knitting I know how to knit so I just sit there

like I'm in a knitting circle and what's good with a Twitch is the comments are coming in thick and fast so that drives the conversation so for me it's just like I'm looking in a mirror

because I can just see myself on my studio screen and see all their comments coming in and I'm just chatting away to them and I think that's a good way of connecting with people

you're doing FIFA Twitch I'm gonna watch porn and commentate on it and that's gonna be called Dick Twitch commentating on porn yeah in terms of service

to see what you can get away with yeah yeah you're gonna get banned immediately oh shit like the bad boy of Twitch I'm gonna have to be

behind a paywall instantly how many patrons have you got for Dick Twitch none but I'm fucking building it so be on a paywall instantly. How many patrons have you got for Dick Switch? None! But I'm fucking building it. Do you know what a few in a porno do not have to be called? Toad in the Hole.

Because you're a Yorkshire puddin'. It's the least factually correct thing I've ever heard. Any holes of Flamingo. What? Levangulski over there. Fucking hell. Oh, God. You had the floor as well.

There was total silence. Pissed on it. Question. Have a word. We've got to have a word. Wow. It's time to have a word with Adam and Dan. Tell us all the problems. Fucking toast. Friends. Are you guys singing on that? No, I improvised that song on an episode.

I just clipped it. And then someone else actually sang it and put music to it and sent us it as a fan. And the best thing about it, it stopped Adam singing it, which is... It was a great day for the party. Adam doesn't like it when I sing or when I do me Kevin Webster impression.

Mate, honestly, I actually don't mind you singing, but it was that... Can you sing in a Kevin Webster impression just for me? Oh, my God. What song? The Havala song? Can you do Paul Sain when you can call me Al? It's Kevin Webster impression just for me oh my god what song the Havilland song can you do Paul Sainman you can call me Al

as Kevin Webster you can you can call me Sophie baby you can call me Al hey call me so fit baby you can call me oh hey call me Kev

da da da da da da da da man walks down Coronation Street says why am I soft in the middle that was fucking impressive

just like the charity boxing you've peaked now I don't think you'll ever be able to do either again single Kevin Webster call me

this is from Simon the purpose of my message is to get you to have a word with my son oh okay I love him all the world who's it from Simon Simon

stop the pot it's because we've just been seeing Kevin we daz Kyle Kevin Simon. Simon, great. Let's make sure. Stop the pot! Oh, it's Simon. It's because we've just been saying Kevin. Yeah. We daz Kyle Kevin. It's a prank. I love him all the world,

but he's a bone idol shit sometimes, so he's lazy. Me and his mum gave him loads of adverts for part-time jobs that he could work around his uni course yet he's done fuck all about it I don't know if he thinks he can work sorry I don't know if he thinks the work is beneath him

but the only reason I keep banging on is because I think he could have extra beer tokens to go out to town or even save up for a lads holiday both good reasons to have money exactly i just think there's loads he's missing out on uh and he's having no experience uh i had loads when i was his age don't get me wrong i'm not saying he should go out and slag himself out but don't

you reckon he needs to get some experience get a job and get the old tenter tours i'm guessing that's the uh the adam rose special uh have a have a little bet with the old tenter tours I'm guessing that's the the Adam Rose special have a little bet with the lads have a little pull in a night out what's the worst that could happen

yeah it wasn't the best written have a word like Carl was having a fucking nightmare I'm going to be honest the last paragraph

was totally paraphrased like Simon wrote it and he was like it almost had a bit of a rant feel to it I was listening to Carl read that

and started feeling sorry for Carl the gist of this is his son won't get a job son won't get a job and he wants him to get it so he can go out and experience

holidays and nights out and better with his boys and the fucking girls and that it's a reasonable concern but you've got to try and put yourself in the lad's shoes

like he's not inspired by stuff is he no how old are you when you're in uni what's uni age 18 to 21. Have you stopped growing at that point?

Unless you're fucking A-levels. I always feel for like, you know, teenagers that are lazy and they get a lot of hard stacks from being born idle, but their bones are growing in the fucking knack of it from just gaining an inch every week. At 18, you should be past that, right? Yeah, I may, but you've got to get it. When I got a paper round when I was fucking 12,

I always had jobs. It's nice to have extra money. No, but you're like... You can't be like, you're 23 now. I think I might still be growing, Mum. I'm really like, I don't want to get work. My hair's growing. Are you going to make Etta get a job when she's late teens?

She's still... If you're living under my roof, you're going working down the mine girl I'm going to give her an allowance but I think if you I just think that that urge to graft and earn your own money

so that you can be like I don't give a shit if you're funding because when parents give kids all their money I've got no gauge of like what is the value of anything like well I need it can you give it me she's going to get an allowance,

but I'd like to see her just go out and fucking get a job. It's also not just about the money, is it? It's about the, I don't want to just be sat here on my arse watching TV. I want to go out and meet. At that age, I was independence driven. I knew I wasn't going to get a car off my mum and dad. I knew I wasn't going to get a lad's holiday.

It wasn't going to be funded by my parents. If I wanted that, I had to stand up on my own two and go and get it. So I was driven by that already, just because I knew I needed them things to get it. A lads holiday wasn't going to be funded by my parents. If I wanted that, I had to stand up on my own two and go and get it. So I was driven by that already because I knew I needed them things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had to get up and go to go and work in a factory, pack lipsticks into boxes, sell me time for money. I used to take fucking every shift I could send to him.

Like, I just wanted more and more and more money. Like, I used to do mad shifts. I'd do like, I did a full 24-hour shift at McDonald's once. Like, I did the seven till four. You were there for two breakfasts. Oh mate, I had like five maccies in one day. Seven till 4pm

and then someone didn't turn up for that shift for the four till midnight so I did that and then someone didn't turn up for the overnight so I did that. Just loaded up on Red Bull

and all the money. Yeah. Don't call me Raleigh Bags. And you're a grafter rally bags and you've and you're a grafter in comedy and you're a grafter in comedy and we were all out as like young teenagers

fucking doing stuff to make he was selling sweets on the like that urge to to go out and earn but can you you can't really force it on a kid because then you just that parent go come on get a job how do you

teach work ethic because the thing is the the experience he's going to get from having a work ethic for a shitty mundane job if you can have a work ethic and that when you find your passion like we found stand up when you find that you've got the work ethic that you've developed from your day job and you can put that into your dream job yeah so he's if his dream does come up like if he does get inspired by something that gets him off his arse he's not going to have a transferable skill of graft to put into it.

Also, I'll give it to Simon. He is leaning on his son, but he's not doing it in a cunty way. He's going, oh, come on. Oh, you just want to go and get smashed? Go and try and smash some flaps? He's literally going,

son, I'm not giving you fucking beer money. Go and earn some beer money. Go and piss with your mates. Go on holiday. Go on with our blessing. Like he's being dead sound. Finger a girl, mate. Get a job at Mackey's.

Smile so boldly. Like he's being a sound dad about it. Yeah, he's doing it for the right reason. He's not like, hey, I'm not paying this fucking gas bill. He's like, listen, lad, do you want eight beers instead of four? Then you need to fucking pay for them right reason. He's not like, hey, I'm not paying this fucking gas bill. He's like, listen, lad, do you want eight beers instead of four? Then you need to fucking pay for them, kids.

I think he's being sound about it, but I don't know what you can do. At that age, it's not long. Maybe he's the carrot at the end of the stick, isn't it?

That isn't what he's looking for. He may not be driven by going out and getting smashed or going on lads holders, but if you do, you get him into something like cars or something like that. You may go,

well, I love cars, but I cannot have that without money. Or it could just be anything else, a hobby like rock climbing or something. It may be something that's at the end of the stick that he needs the money for. He's not going to sell the time for money if the money is going to be spent on something he's not interested in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is where the internet, and you've talked about gaming before,

and the PS5's just come out. It's brutal, isn't it? Because the internet is faster, and these consoles are now shit hot and it's more tempting to be like, should I just do this? Because it's fucking quality. Like my nephew is just really getting into computer games and my sister's having to deal with that thing of like,

why are we always trying to make him go and do something he doesn't want to do? This is what he wants to do so go and go come on let's go outside let's go and just like do some sort of activity

go around to your mates and play and he's like I just want to do this he just wants to do Minecraft and all the shit that he does on his computer it's hard isn't it and then you go to

the parents and go come on come on when I was your age I went to and it depends on the age though like if they're young you've got to get them out

otherwise they're going to have no social skills like 12 yeah but if they're young, you've got to get them out, otherwise you're going to have no social skills. Like 12, yeah. But if they're like 18, fucking leave them alone. Yeah. I had a bit about it, and I'm not going to do it properly on here because I think it's still got legs, but it used to be so much more dangerous going out on the streets.

And then the internet got really fucking fast and computer games got way better and paedophiles got more known about and all of a sudden like like hanging around like kids hanging around

it's just not as much as a threat back when you were like do you remember like as a teenager if you wandered into the wrong bit of where you live you were like

oh this is fucking hairy and now you don't see them on the street corners as much because they're all watching hardcore porn and gaming it's making it's me it's me

yeah they're just abusing themselves rather than me as I walk past sending death threats via fucking playstation dm someone sent me a

death threat the other day because I beat them 3-0 at fifa fucking shite you've got no good players and I was like ha ha ha just replied ha

he's like I know where you fucking live lad and I'm onto you you're that comedian aren't you and I'll turn up at one of your gigs

and shank you I was like ha ha ha wow because you got beat 3-0 on FIFA, you fucking child. Maybe they will, you know what I mean? Get a good story out of it. Someone tries to stab you on stage, that's your career, mate.

By the rats, get stabbed by a FIFA player. This is how you develop Edinburgh shows. Turning up to a gig would be the worst place to find you because you're in a room full of people who already like you. You're in a room full of people that have just enjoyed you in stand-up yeah if they see you in trouble they're gonna hire you back yeah yeah with the knife halfway through

i'm gonna kill him but that's a good bit clapping the knife yeah i'm gonna beat us up in a room with me and 300 of me mates what an idiot see I punch drunk as well it is literally 300 of your mates oh no one's starting a fight at fucking punch drunk

good luck charging the stage where Gav bounds down this one's not for charity I love that have a word I feel like we didn't resolve it but I think Simon's got a difficult job

on his hands there so do we do we empathise with a kid or do we think where do you stand with it

because I'm the old I'm gonna be boomers and guys I know but I'm the old guy on the pod so I don't wanna be like he needs to pull his bloody finger out

and get down to mine well it's up to him isn't it if he doesn't do it he messes out it's his life yeah man as you say

it's not his dad going I want money for rent it's experience he doesn't wanna't it? If he doesn't do it, he misses out. It's his life. Yeah, man. As you say, it's not his dad going, I want money for rent. It's experience. He doesn't want to do it. Also, good on Simon for not just fucking paying for it. I really mean that. Regardless of how well this does, I think too much pocket money, too much allowance.

I feel like as well, I might just teach Etta about debt as well and offer loan deals when she's 13. You can't profit from her. No, just like teach etta about debt as well and offer like loan deals when she's like 13 profit from her just no yeah no just to freak her out about debt going you can have your pocket money but if you want to borrow four weeks pocket money and then start fucking around with interest also i'll give you seven pound for that necklace that you got for christmas cash for gold dad over here fucking pawn shop gold how fucking blithe was I? That's a good idea, Dan. When I've got a kid, I'm going to teach her about cash converters. Fucking wonga, Dan.

Fucking brilliant. I think that's a really good idea, to be honest, teaching about debt. I think it's mad that we don't get taught about life skills in school, but I do think putting interest rates on fucking lending your daughter 20 quid is a bit fucking grim.

The thing is, love, you borrowed £10 in July and that interest has grown and now youid is a bit fucking grim. The thing is, love, you borrowed £10 in July and that interest has grown and now you're not getting a fucking Christmas. Sending the bailiffs round to her bedroom to take her fucking telly off her. Laura's like, why is she crying again? She's learning how to watch it!

Jesus. Yeah, I don't think, but I just, I think that, I really wish, plus just going back to stis as well that don't point at me when you say but i really i don't like when you're a kid and your parents are always like it's like condoms and like i always felt like it was about getting a girl pregnant that was like the the concern i really think i should have been shown the the stis potentially like that could be me.

Now I'm looking forward. Me with like a fucking, get my iPad out going, this is your debt, repayment plan, love. Yeah, I know you're 12, but you'll learn. And here we're just going to photos. That is a gentle herpes. That's gonorrhea. Are you crying?

These pictures of you. Family shot. I don't know. Scare the shit out of her. Shall we call that a podcast? You're done, aren't you? I've got to go to work. I've got work in two hours.

Your body language is getting there. Come on, guys. Coffee's wearing off. I need a Mackey's or something. Check out Kai Humphries on everything. Watch your Twitter. Watch your... So podcast is Sloss and Humphries on the Road.

My Twitch is Kai Muggins. And I Humphries on the road. My Twitch is Kai Muggins and I do some knitting in the afternoon. It's class. I love to sit there in my knitting circle chatting shit like

it's my favourite. And then I do a bit of gaming and I'll play like casual games like Stardew Valley. So I'm on Twitch, Kai Muggins. And social media?

Social media is my name, Kai Humphries, on all of them, Instagram, Twitter and that. Check. It's been a pleasure catching up Kai can I just say as well

I'm going to mention the boxing's available to watch I'll give you the link for that but also I did a show about it like when

when New Keen was going to be R8 and he's out in the woods I spoke to his mowers they kind of did a show about the story you did a stand up show I did a stand up show

oh mate that will go down a tree it's on my website kaihumphries.com and I've got free shows on there they can use COVID-19 as a discount to down a tree it's on my website kaihumphreys.com and I've got free shows on there they can use COVID-19 as a discount

to get out free it's it's I've seen the stand up show I went and seen it in Edinburgh and I got very emotional

on it because it's it's not only very very funny it's also a bit of a an emotional one is it racist? no I mean

I've it's he also he also really sticks it to the and that's what we fucking like you know what I mean don't let them

get away with it thanks for coming in lad really appreciate it man thanks for having us bye Felicia bye Felicia