Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #99 with John May - IN STUDIO - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: December 21, 2020

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Merry Christmas lids, it's Dan I thought it'd be worth sneaking this in here Just to say, last night we did our first ever Have A Word podcast Live show at Hot Water Comedy Club And if you think, oh shit I missed it I didn't get the pay-per-view live stream Don't worry, you can still purchase and watch the live stream Up until December the 27th

So, you've not missed out Go to hotwatercomedy.co.uk treat yourself for Christmas, the first ever Have A Word podcast live show, all these tears are fucking horrible but there's one little bonus that's something that Bojo can't shut the fuck

down, the live stream is still available, go and watch it have a great one, Merry Christmas enjoy the episode. It's proper Scousian, old lad. Thanks so much for downloading the Have a Word podcast.

We really appreciate it. This is the public episode. It goes out every Monday. Did you know we do an extra episode? It comes out every Wednesday. It's the Patreon exclusive. So to become a patron,

to essentially subscribe to the podcast, you can do it from as little as £3 a month once you signed up you will get the early release of the public episode at least 24 hours early you'll get to watch it in video form you can also get discounts on merch discounts on future live shows there's loads of extra little weird stuff we put on there but the big one is the extra episode every week in video and audio form it's like an hour and a half long recently and it's some of our favorite podcasting it's sponsor free we don't have adverts on it it's just me and adam really letting it loose because it's just for the patrons it doesn't go out on

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Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally. You merely adopted the dark. I was born in it, molded by it. Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before?

When she pick it up every time she starts to talk, give her the dick. The stuff's dying. She'll be like, hello. What? Oh, what I'm doing? This is when you get it. What I'm doing? Oh, none.

Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Hubba Wad Studios, hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England, these are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale, and Sensei Carl, with full HD video episodes on YouTube. Cha! Upset me! Don't be a rat. Download, subscribe and tell a friend. It's the one and only. Have a word.

How are we? How are we? I'm alright, lad. Yeah. Yeah. Got some dishes that I haven't done for a week, but I'll get round to them. Ooh, that did something to me then. Do you know what he throws them out instead of doing them?

Fucking rowdy bats! I am done with this cutlery! Clean it! I dare you! I did do that. I'll Amazon myself a new fucking set! I did do that last week. I'd left me dishes there for three weeks and they started growing more dishes on them, so...

That's nasty. Like, it was just... It was like, I could either spend like two days bleaching them three times to make sure all the bacteria is gone or you know i've seen i've seen a set on on offer in asda i was like just throw all your dishes away do you like the way mayweather never wears the same pairs of bills right never uses the same plates When the washing, the dirty washing up is like so bad, you're like, I should just... Man, I might clean it, but this is growing stuff. I might...

This might cure diseases in here. I don't know. I should... Fucking weird, like, fungal growing out of it. That could be cancer boxed off. It's because me ex-girlfriend, when we broke up, I was like, whatever you need, take your time.

And she took that as i can have the dishwasher and took it with her she took the dishwasher she took me tabletop dishwasher she's quite a small woman as well that's a fucking angry walk away isn't it with a large dishwasher like tabletop dishwasher it's a it's not like a dishwasher like the size of a washing machine it's like the size of a microwave and it goes on the side oh oh yeah it's her fault wash your fucking dishes rowey bags jesus it's her fault because she took the scrubbers what am i gonna do the 39p not in my house amazon don't deliver them i bet they fucking do now look i just is it disgusting in there no my house is quite neat and tidy like i've done well haven't i we've done well yeah he's helped but i have i have kept on top of it fairly well

why what do you mean why why is the reason you've kept on top of it because i want to live in a nice nice home that's the one yeah yeah you just want that just want that. Yeah. You want that. Yeah. You know, and one day, you might meet a lady and you don't want to be like, you alright, love? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, don't go in the kitchen

or the bathroom. Piss outside. Not, don't go in the spare room, that smells a bit. Well, the spare room is still off limits if anyone came round.

What's happening in the kitchen? I'm actually, that's medical research. Yeah, if anyone, like, if I brought a girl around right now and she went to go in the spare room, I would react like there's a dead body in it.

Right. Because it... There probably is. Because the company, I haven't, like... Right. Like, it's a room that I've literally gone, right, I bought, like, 400 quid to wear for gym equipment, didn't I, that I haven't opened,

so that's all in there. My bike's in there. That's going to be a good workout, getting that out. But I've literally just, like, thrown it in the room so it looks like the back room of a charity shop with just shite everywhere.

And if they went to go in, because I've kept everywhere else quite neat and tidy, so, like, me bed, I always make me bed every morning now. Didn't used to understand that. Used to be like,

for people who make the bed, fucking waste of time. Go up shite. You've got too much spare time now. When you walk into your room and your bed's all nicely made and you've got too much spare time now when you walk into your room and your bed's all nicely made and you've got your scatter cushions it looks lovely doesn't it

I'm a big I'm a big believer so if you can't sort the fucking small room where you sleep out yeah what chance have you got

of excelling in the rest of your life me Christmas tree looks a beast Jordan Peterson gets hounded for that doesn't he for saying that's one of the simple things you can do like tidy your room and then all the sort of liberals and leftists go well it's really patronizing he's like yeah but it's just i'm getting like sort your fucking room out tidy your room and then move out from there and it does sound

patronizing but how good you feel when you've tidied your room don't fuck it up open your curtains take your jizz tissues make sure you scrub the pebble dash off the toilet bowl don't have that there you don't want to look at yesterday's shit

while you're having a drink it's so true but there's people listening going no shit guys you are not advancing the human race here have you just learnt that that you have to

clean the shit off the toilet no I haven't just learnt it it's just I've just got on board with it do you know what I mean 28 years old I wipe my bathroom down

like all over like every two days maybe now I have a little quick little run over to the bathroom the kitchen's tidy apart from my little

corner where my dishes are stacked the one thing is though it's on you now so when i've been home alone i tidy very early doors and then two days later lauren etter away i might look at this place it's still clean and tidy it's easier when it's on you like when you live with housemates i don't even see the point of tidying uploads because if someone's a messy cunt like well if i start cleaning up after you i'll hate you and then maybe murder you with your own fucking dirty cutlery when it's a family you're like it's part of your job when you're on your own and you live alone you tidy shit up and don't fuck it up it stays tidied it's like pretty simple but it's actually quite gratifying isn't it

to be like look at this I did this and I didn't mess it up yeah like if a woman came to my house right now

she would be like this guy has got his shit together I want to drain his bags oh they walk in and they're like oh my god

this is a mate hoovered I'm damp that's it isn't it no dust all the pus I don't know what I'm doing

and luckily I've got my shit together so much that I've got a mop That's it, isn't it? No dust. All the pus. I don't know what I'm doing. And luckily, I've got my shit together so much that I've got a mop. So if you leak everywhere... Oh, my God. Come here, love. I know this kitchen's tidy. But don't worry. I know you're around, but it's lino. You go crazy.

I'll get the violator out. I've got wood flooring. Oh, my God. The only risk is You'll fucking Break your neck When you slip on it Easy

That's a bit early In this pod For that fucking chat But Is there A service Where you could get someone To you know

I know you're not Like documentary Hoarder level But if you could Just get someone And just be like I will pay you Good cash money

To go in this spare room And sort it the fuck out Like Yeah I could just get someone and just be like i will pay you good cash money to go in this spare room and sort it the fuck out like yeah i could definitely get like because a cleaner's gonna go that's not what i do yeah is there any such thing as a tidy oh my god yeah we just invented an industry because men tidy and girls clean that's what they say don't they like to me I tidy and that's clean and then she's like no it's not yeah

no I don't clean shit like that's what I mean I tie like a tidy there's still curry on the cooker from like 2009 but it's tidy it's not nonny yeah

but a tidier to be like listen you don't have to do anything grim but could you just fucking put all my clothes back on the rail that's not really oh my god that's actually something

that is getting out of hand. So, did I mention this to you? I've got, like, two wardrobes. Like, and one of them is full of clean clothes. Right. Did I mention this to you, did I? I honestly, I thought you were going to be like, I thought this was, like, fat clothes and thin clothes.

Because I, like, it's weird. I've done that before. Like, all the fatty stuff on the left and all the thin stuff that I'll probably never get in again on the right. Well, I've thrown my fat clothes away so that I can't get fat again. Do you know what I mean? Where was I there? You could have done a fucking, that could have been like a relief package.

In fact, we could just do a clothes swap because the fucking trajectory is going horribly wrong here. When we started this podcast, I was about two and a half stone lighter than him, like on the slide a little bit, and then he's just fucking gone for it, and I'm like ballooning. Oh, God.

We could just do it like, enjoy them. Just watch Chaffage on the nipples. There's curry stains on these. Yeah, I've got, so every time I do a wash at the minute, and I dry my clothes, I just put them in the pile in one... Like, one wardrobe hasn't even got hangers in. It's just literally a pile of clean clothes

that I haven't folded and put away because I can't be arsed. It's pretty standard fare, though. I wouldn't beat yourself up about that. Yeah. I think, you know, the nastiness in the sink needs sorting, doesn't it? Well, it is sorted.

Oh, you've done it? It's in the bin. I threw it away. I threw, it is sorted. Oh, you've done it? It's in the bin. I threw it away. I threw a frying pan away. You know you're a dirty fucker when you have to get a skip in to do the washing up. Can't even put this in the bin. It won't take it. It's biochemical.

Do you have the chair in your room, Dan? Do I have a chair in my room? Oh, the chair. The chair? Yeah, where you hang stuff over the back. No, I've got like a I've got a little bench

that you can put shoes under I bought a little shoe storage bench that's got like a cushion bit on top so you've got like ten spaces for shoes and then you can sit on it

and then that gets used exactly how you yeah that's the thing that as soon as you walk in you're like well that goes there yeah

yeah everyone does that don't they what I've started doing at the minute because I've been very tired this week because we're podcasting and I've got loads of gigs. I am,

my house gets messy late at night but I tidy it up when I get up. So I'm coming in and I'm literally like, the second I get in the door, pants off, jacket off and they're just on the floor.

I'm just like, who am I trying to impress? If I'm on my own. Yeah. Fucking everywhere. Now, when you were with Jade Erm

She's not dead She's gone She's gone back to Skem So she may as well be dead Skem West Derby Chester Erm

Real I just I just remember This is in public Would you have not done that? If you'd have got in It's late, you've been podding, you've been gigging Would you not have done that?

Or is that just basically what you would have done anyway? No, I wouldn't have She was worse than you This feels like very dangerous territory But yeah Well that's fine isn't it on the floor. Yeah, this feels like very dangerous territory, but yeah, like. Oh, well,

that's fine, isn't it? Yeah, like, she's not a tidy person. Okay, we're going to move on. Thanks for all the emails

we've been getting in. Do you know, do you know how messy someone has to be for Carl at any point to go, she was worse than you. Like, for him to take my side

on that, like his face there was like, no, I fucking got me butt here. And he would love nothing more than to call me the messiest cunt in the world. to go she was worse than you like for him to take my side on that like his face there was like no i fucking got me but here and he would love nothing more than to call me the messiest cunt in the world you used to be horrendously messy didn't you in your room yeah like pre-japan you'd have like like it was a prisoner of war camp you keep your belonging tag it I'm quite lazy yeah but like I don't know

I don't see it as a bad thing both of us yeah yeah yeah works his dick off on the fucking production I'm quite lazy both of us yeah yeah yeah

I put my energy into other things then I get home I could tidy my room but I could just get in bed and the room doesn't set fire to itself and then I'll

I don't know oh I don't know I say to myself if i'm okay as adam said who are you trying to impress yeah it's more but i see the the reasoning of you know when you're just feeling like oh everything's a fucking pain if you wake up to a tidy bedroom and then you just order it it's just a little step towards a bit of control yeah like your car if your car is just a fucking dustbin on wheels go look at this car every time you're getting it it's getting there now but like i have been doing quite well with this one my old

car i used to keep in a bit of shit nick but like at the minute there's a few like bottles of like empty bottles of water down on the floor and there's one bag from Mackie's in the back seat and that's it but I mean there's been points

where I've given lifts to comics and my car's not been in a particularly nice state and they've gone woo this is tidy for a comedian's car because we genuinely

drive round in just shit and you just like you're throwing the bag in the footwell of the passenger but it does get you down Not everyone

Maybe some people are happy Maybe some people can be like I'm fine But that's sort of just like No it feels messy I do feel better When it's tidy I'm not going to say that

But like I don't pressure myself To go Oh your room's A bit messy It sounds really like Anal and geeky But I buzz off that feeling

The fucking One in a thousand times where you got back on Friday from school and your mum was like, you've got a tiny room, it's been a mess all week, and you've got a bit of homework, and you just go,

fuck it, I'm going to do it while Neighbours is on. Fuck it, I'm going to finish it by the time Hollyoaks has finished. And then you're like at seven o'clock on Friday and you're like, it's the fucking most amazing feeling it's freeing you're like you're watching neighbors the whole weekend what were you watching neighbors when it's just i just like that was the

tea time schedule back in the days flash been to the belly followed by the simpsons followed by malcolm when i was a little little kid my dad used to sing the theme tune of Home and Away to send me to sleep. Oh my god. That was my little kid. Is that true? It's 100% true. Do you remember it? I know you can't reach it but did your finger sort of like metaphorically

just hover over this? Yeah but I'm taking it back. I think you said it. No it's 100% true. Home and away. Home and away. So he just used to say Home and away No No It's a full thing innit

Do you remember it What a weird thing To have To have sung to you Yeah Like there's certain theme tunes You don't expect to be The lullaby for your child

Home and away Yeah My mum used to sing The theme tune to Big Break With Jim Davidson It's only a game So Put put up a real big fight. I'm going to be snooping at you tonight.

Good night! That was the theme to my quiz. Remember? No. So people enjoy my quizzes. I did an online quiz for these when I was in Japan at like 4am. Remember? Yeah.

And the last round was called the cock or bollock round. And it was just 20 pictures of cock or bollock and you had to pick and as the pictures went past it was the big brig theme tune um i'm throwing it out there now after that lockdown locking we did in november one of the things that people buzzed off the most and i can't remember any of was a quiz and I if we I think everyone I can feel it coming they're getting very like oh Christmas it's obviously

blah blah blah but you know they're going to just fucking tighten the screw in January we need to be in here for a lockdown lock-in and I need to be

we need to do this quiz yeah it got so much good publicity from the patrons I think we need to do a live quiz at some point get like a big like the camp and fairness or something in Liverpool oh my god It got so much good publicity from the patrons. I think we need to do a live quiz at some point.

Get the camp and furnace or something in Liverpool. Oh my God. Or Sensei Carl's stupid quiz. Yeah. It's just literally stupidness. Yeah, I don't want to do it sober. I want to do it drunk. Yeah, you have to.

One of the questions is, what's Steve Bruce's middle name? No one knows that. Angela. It's not, no one knows that angela it's not no steve angela one the best question i ever wrote and so i was with my friend steve and he's a he's a he does maths and physics he's good at science so he works out all the numbers right was how many richmond sausages can you fit in the back of a 2012 ford focus beautiful it's the kind of bullshit but can we can we can we say it now we're if we get locked down we're gonna do a january lockdown locking on patreon aren't we

i think even if we don't get locked down we'll do oh yes a non-lockdown lock-in. A lock-in. Have a word lock-in. And we'll bring Eshan up, I think. Oh, the boy. The goat. Get the boy Wunderbach. Get Eshan back up here. The fucking goat. Let's get a former Muslim absolutely fucking past it.

Former? Yeah. Former Muslim? Sounds like. Yeah, the community of the crime will play for their football team. He got signed by the Hindus Do you not hear Big money signing

7.2 million Wow If you were going to sign For a religion Like what What do you think You know because you're an atheist And that

Yeah yeah yeah Like let's say you got seriously ill And you needed Fucking hell Does that have to be the caveat to it No but like No no It's a reason isn't it

Yeah Otherwise I'm just going to stay In the ranks of atheism Yeah So you get seriously ill You get I don't know No, but like... No, no, it's a reason, isn't it? Yeah. Otherwise, I'm just going to stay in the ranks of atheism. Yeah. So you get serious, Leo? You get, um... I don't know. Nose AIDS.

Nose AIDS. That's the worst. Where am I buying my cocaine? From... The Ecuadorian lady. Hey! Got some drugs. Okay, you get, um... Did you snort them with my dildo what i don't know you know an

illness yeah right dysentery no nose aids and dysentery fucking hell adam was reaching for an illness that could kill you nose aids i don't know dysentery right okay i'm dying chronic chlamydia right right chronic like something really bad you're ill I get it we know how this is

even if you can't think of one that's valid nose aids ear rape oh shit no sorry Ebola

Ebola yeah classic new virus Ebola Ebola's back. It's really hard in Cheshire villages. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's where it starts. That's the epicentre. Sorghal, Cheshire. Population 2,500. You never know. I've got an idea, but yeah, I don't. You never know. You don't know.

You could have like an out of date sausage or something. And you get Ebola. Fucking co-op. It'd be worth it for the court case. Co-op. What would you get for an out-of-date sausage? Well, it's bacteria, isn't it? So you could get salmonella and olive oil.

I thought salmonella was like eggs. Salmonella's eggs and chicken, yeah. Yeah, but out-of-date sausages is out-of-date pork. What's that? And pork is the reason pork is like forbidden in old old time of religions it's because it was

murking motherfuckers wasn't it if you eat bad pork back in the day so in Judaism and in Islam they're like I can't eat pork

at no point did God go listen crack on with everything just leave them pigs I fucking love pigs who's the cows is that Indians

yeah Hindus yeah they love cows yeah they think cows are like gods or something Just leave them pigs. I fucking love pigs. Who's the cows? Is that Indians? Yeah. Hindus. Hindus. Yeah, they love cows. Yeah. Yeah. They think cows are like gods or something. Yeah, well, I mean,

if God was going to literally just cherry pick animals, whatever God, why would you be like, yeah, cows, them big, dumb fucking things. Exactly. That moo and shit and are scared of their own reflection. Or pigs that are dirty

little horrible pink velociraptors if God's got a favourite animal I reckon it's giraffes yeah they were hungry and he boxed them

a new neck off no but I mean if in Islam it was like you know what meat's forbidden rhino

they're fucking they're well hard aren't they they're like armoured elephants giraffes are his mate that's why he's got

his whole neck so he can whisper to them easier. Hey, come here. Did you reverse? Did you backwards engineer that joke? Was that what you had first? Hey. If that was in a religion,

that would make sense, wouldn't it? Listen, yeah. Everything's going to be all right. Which is your holy animal? Well, the holy animal of my religion is the giraffe, for his ears are close to heaven. That's not that mad. It literally makes sense.

Do you know, considering he just had to bin a whole load of washing up, there is genius there, isn't it? Yeah. He likes eagles as well. Yeah, eagles, they're good animals. Like, yeah, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. He likes eagles as well. Yeah, eagles. They're good animals. Like, yeah, don't eat sheep. Who gives a fuck?

Smash it. He hates flies. That's why you make them eat shit. Oh, no, they're not. They don't count. What religion are you signing for, Dan? Yeah. It's your design religion.

Thanks, God. It's January deadline day. Giraffism. That's who I am. Yeah. It's January deadline day, so it's more expensive. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's more of am. Yeah. It's January deadline day, so it's more expensive because you're more in demand. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's more of a signing fee. Yeah. So, look, you've got a year to live and, you know, just want to cover some bases. Like, you know, you just have a,

you've gone and you're like, do you know what? What if religion's right and there's a higher power and I need to submit to a higher power? Yeah, and also,

you can't get cocky with it and just spread that. You can't cover all your bases. It's one. One day at the mosque, one day at the temple. You can't get cocky with it and just spread bet you can't cover all your bases it's one one day at the mosque one day at the you can't bet each way

at the temple because they know you've got to bet to win one of those gods is like you cheeky cunt yeah yeah yeah yeah so who are you going for

are you going Hindu Muslim you've already got the hat for Islam yeah I've got the hat erm to be honest I'm not trying to be offensive

Islam looks like a bit of a shift Doesn't it Yeah It does doesn't it Yeah You want to be able to have a bacon butty On your deathbed Yeah

No No Personally No bevvies No bacon butties Are you playing FIFA You've got to stop them per day Yeah

Fuck that Right You've got to pause the game You can't pause online Hinduism I mean this is easy Because I know Fuck all about it Apart from two references Yeah. Fuck that. Right. Gotta pause the game. You can't pause online. Hinduism. I mean, this is easy because I know fuck all about it

apart from two references from the Simpsons. Ganesh is the elephant god and Vishnu has the many hands. Ganesh? Ganesh?

It's Ganesh. Isn't that like really heavy chocolate dessert? Yeah, it is. Yeah, yeah. It's the many hands of Vishnu and that chocolate pudding. That's what the Hindus are into. But not dairy because that comes from cows.

They're like vegan chocolate mousse. You've got that right. And Jewish people are all about the little hats. Cheesecakes. Sorbet. Sorbet. I'd go with Scientology, me. Would you?

Yeah, I'd go out in a ball of flames. Yeah. Scientology. Mormon. Mormon. Yeah. What are they? Aren't they the...

They're a type of Christian, aren't they? Yeah, they're like a weird update on Christianity. More wives. Or Jehovah's Witness. Nah, can't be arsed walking around door to door. You can fuck with people, couldn't you? Do you know what Mormons believe? Because I've seen the book I'm on. Have you seen it? Yes. It's fantastic. Nah, can't be arsed walking around door to door. You can fuck with people, couldn't you? Do you know what Mormons believe? Because I've seen the book of Mormon.

Have you seen it? Yes. It's fantastic. It's so funny. It's dated, but it's dated in a funny way. Basically, some fella in like, it was like the 1930s or something, wasn't it? 1850s. So he was like, I found the Third Testament.

So forget the Old Testament and the New One. It's called like the book of fucking Robert or something. Was he called John Adams? Maybe. No. John Adam. John Smith. John Adams was the second president of the United States. Joseph Smith.

Good enough. The book of Joseph. All white names are the same. Basically says that I'm sound and I'm basically the third iteration of God. Yeah. And they gave them to me on gold plates where are they are you not allowed to see them yeah i've had to copy it down onto paper because you he's told me not to show you yeah and i and we're allowed loads of uh yeah we're allowed loads of wives what do they believe in and then they they set off didn't they to them from... From... Was it like Pennsylvania it all started? Or in and around the North East?

And then they got to Salt Lake City and they were like, this will do. But by then he'd been killed and Brigham Young was the second in command. And now there's a Brigham Young University in Salt Lake City. BYU. Taysom Hill.

Some cracking knowledge. But what's the main thing at the Mormons then? Do you have loads of wives? Basically that is Mormonism 101 innit that's the first thing everyone goes it's like it's like hack

you know where like if you talk about Islam the hack thing to do is go bacon which is what we all did it's fair enough but Mormonism

I don't know I'd love to be able to have multiple wives isn't it in and around the Jehovah's Witness thing well if we look now we're trying to see

what we are what are Mormons not allowed to do right not allowed to play table tennis on Wednesdays no that's a fact God said that

he told the giraffe to tell him no it says that alcohol they're not allowed alcohol, tobacco tea, coffee, drugs or table tennis

on Wednesdays right so you can't even have a cup of tea? No. You can have all these wives but what the fuck are you doing in your downtime?

And God said no FIFA. It's on the gold fucking tablets. Sat there drinking water talking about fucking... Feelings. Yeah. Are you allowed to watch Heartbeat? I fucking hate Heartbeat.

Do you know why I hate Heartbeat? Because it meant bedtime on a Sunday and it meant school was tomorrow. Yeah. And I fucking hate that. Kevin Bridges does a joke meant school was tomorrow yeah and I fucking ate that Kevin Bridges does a joke about that he says I fucking ate

that green grass why every time is this cunt on the telly I've got to get a bath yeah nice fucking hate it nice antiques roadshow

songs of praise that was early doors you were going to bed earlier it was a bad time we had an early bad time tell you what it was boss though

Kilroy because if you were watching Kilroy that meant you blagged your man you were off school sick yeah going for gold do you remember that one was that before your time before that time back to Mormonism The boss though, Kilroy. Because if you were watching Kilroy, that meant you blagged your man, you were off school sick. Yeah.

Yeah. Going for gold. Do you remember that one? Was that before your time? Before that time. Back to Mormonism. Yeah, they're not allowed a cup of tea, a cup of coffee,

any limo or... Any limo! And God did say no beak and no lemo and only a couple of garries and like New Year's Eve. The scripture according to Adam, not the first one, the new one.

The scripture according to rowing bags. Yeah. Don't need to do the washing up. Get one of your six wives. She can do the fucking washing up. If you had to do three commandments, what would you say? Three commandments.

Yeah. Right. Good one. Good one. He's getting good at this and he's like nudging us back to like, oh,

kill Roy. Back to three commandments. Yeah. So what we'll keep doing is saying three commandments buying ourselves thinking time. Three commandments.

Three commandments. Three commandments. Thou shalt not vote Tory. Right. Just the legals vote Tory. Yeah. No more Tories. Do you not think if it was illegal to vote Tory, Labour would go a bit, like, wrong?

I'm not really looking at the semantics of it, Dan. I just don't want people to vote Tory. What do you mean? Okay. Okay, so you've got one. Dan, what are you going for for number one? Is there anything about nonsense in the Bible? Yeah, they actively encourage it.

Yeah. Because I really feel like, you know for all the rules about what you can and can't do and like thou shalt not steal, like in all the commandments like thou shalt not steal, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ox, maybe throw in there... That's the maddest one yeah

yeah which is basically each other boss ox yeah but it but i mean now it's like thou shalt not fucking look at someone else cover be jealous about your neighbour's kiosk kiosk or torch i mean that's essentially um but you think thou shalt not touch kids should have been in there do you think that's why police pleads to shagging kids? Because it's not in the commandments. God's like, listen. It's under fucking rules. Listen, Archbishop of fucking wherever, lad.

Stop shagging the kids. He's like, you didn't put it in the book, mate. I'm a man to fucking know not to shag kids if you don't write it down. Can I just say, we work in a business park and Adam projected that At a good volume Up to the ceiling

And I hope I hope one of the businesses upstairs Just had someone on like reception go If you don't want me to be doing stuff You're going to have to put it in the fucking glossary kid Thou shalt not nonce kids If it goes to va they sound aren't they well if it goes to var priests are fine no because there's no sex before marriage and i don't think priests are marrying the kids yeah but you could just say they're not having sex with them if it goes to var i think priests are getting away with

it in terms of the rules say they didn't do it no but i mean in the rules like it's not in the commandments is it it's going in the commandments, is it? It's going to VAR in prison, in heaven. Are you talking VAR? Is that what you're saying? Yeah. VAR. No sex before marriage is in the commandments, isn't it? Isn't it? I think...

Yeah, maybe. Is it? I thought so. Can you pull up the Ten Commandments? Never thought I'd be doing this. What are the episodes? Can you just pull up The Ten Commandments please We just want to run through them Okay

So No updates We need the original ones Not like Yeah Thou shalt not Park in a disabled You shall have no other gods

Before me Yeah Yeah So that's basically Doing exactly what we said Pick one Mine Don't fucking

Don't be moonlighting At the synagogue Doesn't say you can't have gods After them no Number two Number three You can have like Says no gods before me So when you're dead And you meet him don't be moonlighting at the synagogue doesn't say you can't have gods after them no number two number three you can have like says no gods before me

so when you're dead and you meet him he's like don't try and find another god I think what he's saying there is you can have other gods just make me your main one

like he's being like you know when a girl's not monogamous but she's like look you can shag other people but you gotta wife me up I think that's what that is

oh so god's alright with the side bitch yeah so God's like listen as long as you're a Christian you can have your fucking vegan ganoush

now like look listen I'll go to church on Sunday I'll do all the fucking Christian bangers Gloria all that shit

right do all that yeah I'll have the bread whatever the bread yeah this is the bread of the bread yeah this is

the bread of you know Christ yeah bit of fucking mailot yeah right

poor he's getting distracted by his own bullshit everyone getting distracted I love it when it happens it doesn't happen all the time he's halfway through

and then he goes I'm enjoying this too much starts enjoying himself while he's saying it. Or, you can still be like, every third Wednesday of the month,

I'll do a bit of muzzy stuff as well. Table tennis. I'll get the mat out. You know? I'll fucking, you know, point towards the sun.

I'll go to bingo. Okay. Right. Right. So, okay. First one. Very selfish first one.

He's a bit of a gob-shite, isn't he? Bit of a selfish first one, isn't he? I've just realised something. What? Bingo's gambling, isn't it? Yeah. And they've named it Mecha. That's a bit offensive, isn't it?

What? You're not allowed to gamble if you're a muzzer. Yeah. Muzzer. Are you channelling? You're not allowed to, though, are you? So why are they fucking doing that? Are you alright?

Do you know what I mean? Are you fuming on behalf of? I'm not fuming on behalf of anyone. I just think, you know, like, be a bit more respectful than that. Like, that must have pissed the muzzles off. I don't think that's the reason for 9-11, though, is it? Oh, this is for Mecca Bingo

in Beast of Nottingham. Fuck you. No, but like... That's my terrorist voice. Do you know what I mean? I do know what you mean, yeah. Yeah. Like, you can't call

a butcher's the Eid Butchers. And it's the same thing. What the fuck are you talking about? Because they sell bacon in there. I know.

Like, I know. I think it's very offensive. Number two. You shall not make idols. It's valid, but... It just seems a bit... It is. You shall not make idols.

That's number two. You shall not make idols. Yeah. So, like, don't be like, I see him. Yeah, don't worship anyone like a god. The first two commandments are very, like, listen, before we get into the rules of what you can do,

I'm the tits. Remember, I'm the tits. Oh, so is that, so you can't have a second guy? You can't have a side bitch? No, you can't make idols. So idols is, idols is of, do they mean of humans? Yeah, it must be, yeah. So I can't, like... So what are the fuck are saints humans? Yeah, it must be, yeah. So I can't, like...

So what are the fuck are saints about? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Because if you canonise them... I'm starting to feel like religion's full of shit. He's got issues with all organised religion and bingo. Does that mean I can't, like, sing Mo Salah's song then? Because that's making an idol of him.

So there's no Christians at the match? Especially him. All right, maybe Diogo Jota. Mo Salah's song then because that's making an idol of him so there's no there's no Christians at the match especially him alright maybe Diogo Jota number three you should not take the name of the lord your god in vain

the first three are so like I was going to call god arrogant so hey I'm great don't fucking even look at anyone else

and don't think he's great because he's not me I'm fucking the best and don't even, I'm great. Don't fucking even look at anyone else. And don't think he's great, because he's not me. I'm fucking the best. And don't even say I'm shit. That's the first three. Can't even say it in vain. Don't slag us off. Sorry.

You can't even say, oh, my God. That's blasphemy, innit? Can't you say, oh, my God, God's boss? No. Because it's taking his name in vain. But you're saying he's boss. He's fuming. He's a gobshite, innit?

Jesus Christ. Yeah. Number four. Fucking God. Number four. Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy. Oh, right. Yeah, Sunday.

Shabbat. Yeah. Saturday for... What happened there? For which? What happened there? Because the Sabbath is Saturday. It's not?

It fucking is. Yeah, it's not now. The Shabbat is Saturday. In Judaism, the Sabbath is Saturday It's not It fucking is Yeah it's not now The Shabbat is Saturday In Judaism The Sabbath is Saturday So what happened to Christianity They were like Ah nah Saturday's got football

Move it to Sunday I don't know Yeah The Sabbath starts Yeah yeah On Friday night And goes to Saturday night Yeah and Sunday's the first day of the week innit

So what happened with Christianity They'd be like Nah it's too much good shopping on Saturday. We'll move that. Yeah. Right? Didn't think of that. Yeah.

So the Sabbath... But we kind of do that, don't we, in this country? Like, without knowing it. On Sunday, oh, you don't go to shops. It's the God... Sunday's God's day. That's why... Shops used to...

No shops were open on a Sunday. Only going back, like, 30, 40 years, Sunday was, close the fuck down. Imagine that. Imagine not being able to get a fucking little bit of food for your uncle. You don't understand that in Japan. I'd be like, oh, it's Sunday, we can't go there. And he'd be like, why? I'd be shut. I think the Victorians invented Sunday. I'm not even being a, like in the workhouse, Sunday was the day you didn't work, man, woman, child.

You were all work and then Sunday you were like church. And then you got to just have a bit of time to yourself. Does Sunday not derive from the sun meaning God? Oh, I don't know. I've got no idea what we're doing today. You've changed. This is interesting. I like it.

Go on, five. Get to the ox! Number five. Honour your father and your mother. So he's moved on from himself now? Yeah. Honour. So stop slagging off my dead mum himself now? Yeah. Honour your father.

So stop slagging off my dead mum, yeah? Yeah. We do. We honour them. I mean, we do a few mum-shagging jokes. Yeah. We're on board with that. Yeah.

It's not... Yeah, I geek Saturday, but, you know. I've got a lot of respect for your mother. The next one's quite... I have. Good. It's like that much dick in one lifetime. The suspect! The suspect! The suspect! I knew he was coming. Good It's like that much dick in one lifetime Disgusting Disgusting Disgusting

I knew it was coming Like do you know what I mean? No Hall of Fame Oh for fuck's sake That's what they call the fanny Charles Upset me

Nasty bitch Disgusting Number six is quite like Yeah standing in a hall of fame. You shall not. He's got board of the commandments. He has. Is the sixth commandment,

don't get board of the commandments, because you've got ADD. Six. Fucking hell, God, hurry up, mate. Jesus Christ,

the giraffe would be quicker than this. Number six is quite like, yeah, you shall not murder. That is, that's been adopted pretty universally, isn't it? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. Which is quite sound.

Number seven, you should not commit adultery. Oh, God. That's cheating, isn't it? Cheating on your wife. Yeah. Chagging about. Just got a VAR on that one. Yeah.

That's fair. Yeah. I mean, got to empty your row of your bags, but do it the right one. Yeah. That's fair. Yeah. I mean, got to empty your rowy bags, but do it the right way. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Just empty your rowy bags into one rowy bag. Okay. Kobe.

Number eight. It's fucking Kobe and all over the shop. You shall not steal. Yeah. All right. Okay. So these are quite like the rules of the fucking world. When they say steal, like I wouldn't steal from you yeah alright okay so these are quite like the rules of the fucking world these are all

when they say steal like I wouldn't steal from you or like someone do you know what I mean like I wouldn't steal from someone where they would

notice it but like I don't mind stealing from fucking Asda do you know what I mean because that's a victimless crime innit well it

no I mean it's still stealing innit but it's victimless innit God wasn't like Moses lad do not steal from anyone that's sound. But fucking hell, Asda's fine. Yeah. Like, I would steal from, I don't know, Microsoft.

Like, someone who's not going to notice that I've took, like, Apple. Right. Obviously, it's hard to steal from the Apple store. It's easier. It's very bright in there. Yeah, those geniuses aren't, yeah. Where there's a, what level of corporation do you start at? I reckon it's when they wouldn't notice that you've done it.

Right, so Tesco, Asda, all valid. Yeah. What about like a McColl's or like a newsagent? Independent newsag agent, no. They'll notice. What about a Tesco Metro? Smaller. Steal from them.

They're owned by the conglomerate. What about a spa? I'm trying to get his level. Yeah, I know a spa. We've got enough of them. SO Garage? Yeah. I feel like you can't steal from an SO Garage

because you're there in your car and they've got your number plate. Just walk there. Okay. Cool. It's got you there, Dan. Literally. She can't argue with that. What about a chain butchers?

How big's the chain? Piers. Is it Bexley's? How do you steal from a butcher's what you do is you go can I have a leg of lamb

and they put it on the thing and you go and you fucking run that's how excited you get about lamb yeah like when they put it on the top

before you pay just fucking bail and there's no security guards on butchers I would love to see you fucking running down the lane with a leg of land

and no fucking cutlery to put it on. And at the minute, it's easier to do that because if you walk in somewhere with a balaclava, they just think you're being COVID compliant. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I've thought of that.

I queued up for the bank of the day with a mask on and the fella let me in. Imagine doing that last year. Yeah, I've thought of that. I queued up for the bank of the day with a mask on and the fella let me in. Imagine doing that last year. Yeah, totally. There was a news agency in Derby, in Derbydoss, and they went a bit viral because they had a sign going, do not wear a fucking mask in the shop

because they're like right in the middle of Derby. Lots of smackheads were walking in with masks and then nicking the grants vodka and fucking off so he's like I don't give a shit I'll get covid you're not stealing my fucking sweeties

so you wouldn't rub off a butcher no bexley's I would yeah but not like fucking jd and sons or whatever the one by ours yeah

okay what's the next one the ox are we getting close to the ox I'm gonna be honest Dan the ox isn't on it oh it's a version of the ox I'll try and find the ox one we're getting close to the ox i'm gonna be honest dan the ox isn't on it oh it's it's a it's a version of the ox i'll try and find the ox one no no it's fine what's the version of the

ox um okay so the next one is thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor right so is that like don't lie in court against your fucking neighbor don't be a grass no don't be a grass it's a false witness so it's's, don't be like, I've fucking seen him fucking murder someone when you never... That's a very specific one, isn't it, basically?

I don't think it's literally about your neighbour, though. I don't think it's like... Or... I don't think it's like, don't do that to your next door neighbour but three doors down. But if it was,

and everyone are bothered by it, then it'd still work, wouldn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then thy neighbour just means another person another fella we sound so thick sometimes

the last one is thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's goods so it's been mixed up from oxen ah but erm

don't covet your mate's fucking bird or what are your neighbours doing have they got anything worth coveting

no they've got some decent Christmas decorations on the front yeah I'm jealous I've only done inside this year

I've put my tree up and a bit of tinsel around the banister Next year I want to do full Santa's grotto And fucking smash the front out Do you know what I mean? My neighbour's got a garden office But I can't steal it You know because our gardens are right next to each other And I think it would be

Notice Yeah It's one of them innit Oh there's my office Oh. Yeah, it's one of them, innit? Where's my... Oh, there's my office in Darwin's Garden. Oh, no, fuck! Oh, it's right there. Strong finish, that one.

So that one. There's a Minnesota Ten Commandments. What? A Minnesota version. Okay. Don't... So, what was this? What's the version of this one?

Why Minnesota? I don't know. Where's that thing? Where was that? So, instead of of you should not bear witness against your neighbor it's don't be bragging about how much snow you've shoveled what we've literally never mentioned minnesota in any pod we've ever done and now we're doing minnesota local comedy like like our listeners in Milwaukee are like,

hey, finally got some fucking good comedy on here. Number one is, I'll only be one more. There's only one God, you know. That's number one. Can we translate into Scouse? Can we translate all the commandments into Scouse? That'll fucking top this off. Okay, so number one is no gods before me um only me you know lad only me you know lad yeah commandment one

only me number two is don't be fucking looking at that cunt over there i'm here eyes on yeah yeah yes number two no fucking idols especially if they're fucking blues fuck off Rich Allison you should not take the Lord your God's name in vain

listen don't fucking talk to me like that you's got no right to fucking talk keep my name out of your mouth that's it that's it

keep my name out of your mouth number four remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy lad we're fucking going to That's it That's it Keep my name out of your mouth Right Number four Remember the Sabbath day To keep it holy Lad we're fucking going To town on Sunday It's game day you nuns

Of course it's holy I can't fucking take it Number five I'm your mother and father Don't fucking talk about My man and dad Didn't even know him. Neither did you.

Number six, you shall not murder. Lad, put that fucking knife away. If you want to scrap, we'll scrap. But don't be fucking bringing a fucking knife to a fist fight, lad. That's number six. Come on, lad. Stab me then, lad. Stab me with a blade, Joe.

Stab me, Joe. That's one of the best videos ever. Number seven, you shall not commit adultery. Stab me then, lad. Stab me with a blade, Joe. Stab me, Joe. That's one of the best videos ever. Number seven, you shall not commit adultery. Keep your dick out of her mouth. Keep your finger out, me wife. Next one. Okay.

Don't be shagging around, you dirty bastard. Number eight, you shall not steal. Put that down, lad. Hey, don't be shagging around You dirty bastard Number eight You shall not steal Put that down lad Hey Don't be Lad Don't be Don't be our arse Come on mate

We're not in Asda Yeah Hey come on lad Come on lad They've got insurance Number nine You shall not be a false witness Against your neighbor

Don't be a fucking little grass Yeah Or a fucking Engine man Stop chatting shit Stop chatting shit Stop chatting shit I'm lying I'm lying

You're lying though Why are you lying though Number 10 You shall not covet your neighbours goods Get out me bins Julie You dirty bitch She's always in my fucking bins And there's a section Get out of me bins, Julie, you dirty bitch! She's always in my fucking bins!

And there's a section I never thought we'd do. There's the 10 Scouse Commandments. I need a break. I fucking loved it. Oh, God. Today's podcast is sponsored by SupremeCBd.uk go and check them out they're one of the biggest and most trusted sellers of cbd oils in the uk you'll have heard about cbd it's not weed it's not marijuana it's not got thc it's the oil derived from plant-based marijuana and cannabis it doesn't get you fucked up but it has loads loads of health benefits. CBD oil has been studied for its potential role in easing symptoms of many common health issues,

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Welcome back to the Have A Word podcast. Thanks for being with us. I'm here with my co-host, Adam Rowe. Hello. Yeah. And we're having a great time talking about the issues, current affairs, and the weather in your area. If anyone was affected by any of the issues raised

in the first part of tonight's show, please feel free to suck on my fat dong. This one's for you, and this one's also for you. Merry Christmas. Suck Adam's dong. This one's for you and this one's also for you. Merry Christmas. Suck Adam's dong. Got some questions, Colin?

I have, yeah. Okay, great. This is from Stephen Wiggin. Oh! Wiggin, Stephen, sorry. Stephen Wiggin.

Where you go, Stephen? You need to stop doing that. What is Stephen Wiggin? He says Boys, would you rather Have your perfect body Whatever you think the perfect body is Yeah

For the rest of your life And still be able to eat what you want And never have to maintain it with the gym Yeah Or Have 15 million pounds Tax free? Tax free Oh my god, it's tax free The first one The body Really? Yeah Yeah. Or have 15 million pounds. Oh, tax-free? Tax-free.

Oh, my God, it's tax-free. The first one, the body. Really? Yeah. Yeah, because you do look shit. What? What? Over 15 mil.

Yeah, but the money you can make from having a perfect body. Like, I'd be eye candy for the podcast. The Patreon would go through the roof. So I'd get my dick out on the Patreon. We'd have 15 million per month. Oh, your perfect body, you've got six pack, you've got the little V. Your perfect body, innit? What's the V called?

Little towards the dick? The V, yeah. You get a V, you look, yeah. I'd have that extra fucking three inches back that they cut off my dick when I was nine. Yeah, I don't know. Is that your perfect body? Yeah, just a generic muscle round. How big's a perfect dick?

Where are you going? Because it's a weird meeting, isn't it? When you're in the consultation room and they're like, consultation room? Consultation. Consultation room. And they're like,

how big do you want your dick? Okay, just give me some, you know, like at hairdressers, just flick through this magazine, see which body you like. We're about to give you your perfect body. This is for life. And then also,

a bit awkward, we do have to talk about your perfect penis. is for life and then also if not good we do have to talk about your perfect penis so it's like a roll of bin bags with an apple on the end it's too big that wouldn't be good that's too big girls wouldn't like as much as these are what size that would be too big no they're not yeah they're talking about size they're not talking about i think the jumbotron fann can expand. You don't want them to, though. You are obsessed with this. You're like, they can listen. You're going to need an absolute fucking vaginal triathlete.

Exactly. I don't even know what that is. Vaginal triathlete. You know what I mean? What three events does this vagina compete in? Discus. Stretching, loosening. Discus.

does this vagina compete in? Discus, stretching, loosening. Discus. I, you know, I think there's a bit in me, as a, you know, as a small dick user, that if I'm getting the upgrade, it would be tempting to be like,

15 inches! Are you sure, Dan? No, I reckon you want, like, when erect, you want it... Yeah, you want it like a shower. You want, like, eight inches, I think. Yeah.

Eight inches and, like, thick, like, weighty. What's eight inches? Like a torch. That's eight inches. Yeah, but probably not that shape, eh? You don't want that sort of girth. Yeah, like, you want it about that wide. You do. You want an absolute pipe. That wide. Yeah. Nothing probably not that shape, eh? You don't want that sort of girth. Yeah, like, you want it about that wide. You do.

You want an absolute pipe. That wide? Yeah. Nothing wrong with that. You'll go in. You might never come out. I love the way you both... Circumcised or not circumcised? I'm not circumcised,

so I'd rather keep me flapped, to be honest with you. Like a little coat for your dick, innit? It's cold. Oh, baby, it's cold outside it would get colder wouldn't it yeah

your dick is defo colder what my brother is I nearly was I escaped it I escaped the circumcision by a year

like Auschwitz what was that like a cut off in your year yeah my dad's muslim so every other male in that side of the family

how did you not get involved with the chat before? You've got a muzzah for a dad? Are you religious? You've got a muzzah for a dad. No. I've got a muzzah for a dad, though, yeah. You've got a muzzah. You've got a muzzah for a dad.

Say you've got a muzzah for a dad. For a dad. I'm annoyed that you didn't say you missed the cut as well. That annoyed me. So hang on, you missed out by a year. Sorry, explain. So, my family, I was going to be brought up in Turkey, and then they moved back, and they moved back for me.

If I'd have stayed in Turkey, foreskin gone. No, we're taking him back. Where to? Rill. Not Wales. But what about his teeth? Never mind his teeth. He couldn't come back for his teeth.

Right. Okay, so yeah. You're safe. I am. Does your willy get cold? Oh, I tell you. I have to put a little sock on the end of it. It's not even funny.

When the heating goes on, the sock goes on. I have a little knitted dick sock I was going to buy you A really warm weather today I'm not messing We're not there yet, Karl Does it cover your balls as well? No, just at the end

Just on the end Oh, because I've got the same amount of skin everywhere But the old, you know The old purple head Yeah, like me little fucking dick jacket Yeah? Yeah I love the way you both look

You know you don't wash the pots Do you wash that? What? I don't wash the what? Do you wash that? What? I don't wash the what? Do you give it a clean? Oh, I scrub my dick on a daily basis. Oh, nice. Yeah.

You don't get a woman in to do that? No, it's shiny as fuck, mate. Oh, is it? Yeah, it's full of radox. Lemon zest at the minute, if you're interested. So you get your perfect... Well, you both went dick. Add in your dick so lemony.

I feel like I'm sucking off one of the clean wipes from KFC I have used a clean wipe from KFC for my dick before no you haven't

I have how did you get KFC in your dick I didn't get KFC stop eating Zingertower burgers with your knob I got I got a KFC

delivered and there was a few of them in the bag and then the next day anyone gonna do a bucket joke no okay cool the next day

I was late for like wherever I was going so I didn't have time for a them in the bag and then the next day anyone going to do a bucket joke no the next day I was late for like wherever I was going so I didn't have time for the shower in the morning so I washed my face and I got a KFC wipeout and I did my balls and my dick

that's madness I don't believe you I do Dan press the button no I did no I do you said it before he's lying

press the button Dan press the button no it's cold it's been cold you have a little wipe you know you're lying aren't you no I'm not Lying. Press the button. Dan, press the button. No. It's cold. It's been cold. No. You have a little wipe, you know.

You're lying, aren't you? Did it stay? No, no. No. Perfect body and you can eat everything. How good would that be? Just having your fourth dominoes in the row being like, I am a demigod. You didn't choose height?

Are you changing your height? Yes. What are we going for? 6'1". 6'1"? Yeah. Quite conservative. You'd look ridiculous

Tall What do you mean? Why would I? I don't get that What do you mean? I just Think you'd look fucking stupid It's so annoying

Why do I get annoyed about the weirdest thing? You piss me off about the weirdest thing You literally started doing jokes about my dead mother And I was like Yeah, yeah, it's part of the banter You'd look weird tall Fuck off Fuck you Fuck your religion about the weirdest thing you literally started doing jokes about my dead mother and I was like yeah yeah it's part of the banter you look weird tall fuck off

fuck you fuck your religion fuck your muzzy dad what what do you mean I could be 6'1 you don't look like you're 5'9

you look like you're short and you're taller than me it's annoying I look at you and I'm like if you were like Adam Rose 5'6 you'd be like

yeah yeah yeah and then you look at him and you're like he's not he's a 5'9 5'6", you'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you look at him and you're like, he's not. He's a 5'9", 5'6". Yeah. Why can't I be tall? It's just your personality would look weird on a tall person.

I can't agree with that, Dan. You know what I mean? You know exactly what I mean? You can't be tall. It wouldn't match. It'd be nice to have an 8-inch dick, though, wouldn't it? Yeah. 15 million? How well is this doing? eight inch dick though, wouldn't it? Yeah. Uh, 15 million?

How well is this doing? It's not there yet, is it? But if we can keep this on the rails for 10 years. Imagine if I was like, I'd go like,

6'1 myself. I could pull that off. Oh, hang on. Why are you both going 6'1? That's such a conservative tall,

because girls like 6'4, don't they? No. If you're 6'4, you look like a fucking, the BFG.

Oh, yeah. I like, you know, what's Laura I like a fucking the BFG oh yeah I like you know what's Laura I like what's my wife I like my wife

public episode I've never met Laura but she's not 6'1 is she she's not she's not okay no

she's 5'5 Laura is not the height of the average Premier League centre back no she isn't yeah she's a proper no she's 5'5 Laura is not the height of the average Premier League centre-back no she isn't yeah she's a proper fucking Sammy Hoopier

my wife erm that's what I used to call you she knows how to finish alright Sammy Hoopier right in your Hoopier

we've got it Adam we've got it but why am I not offended about that joke? But I could be tall. Do you have to keep our heads? We have to keep our heads, don't we? No, because it's your body.

No, no. It's the perfect body. I think you've got to keep your head. Yeah, but your head's part of your body. No, I understand that. But I think the question is body. Hang on. I don't think you get to change ethnicity of your body

no I don't mean that can I have a black man's body what about hair that would be really weird if you got a girl back with this head and shred pa pa

you weren't expecting this what about hair and eyesight and stuff can you not change that no no I think it's just body let's not muddy the waters

neck down so you can have a big dick but you gotta keep your face so you look like Brad fucking Pitt in Snatch. Tattoos. Oh, Troy. All right, Troy.

Eight inches, and then you've got my stupid bald head with these noncy glasses. It doesn't matter. Honestly, I'd be naked so much of the day. It'd be phenomenal. But you've got to remember this 50 million quid thing, we could make that so quickly. If one of us was gorgeous and had a pipe, right?

Yeah. Then on every Patreon, we'd just get out and put us in a helicopter at a bit or start an OnlyFans or something. Okay, good. I think the second one's more likely. I'm not sure that's what our large now Patreon following are like. Mate, I would sign up to Patreon,

but is there any helicopter in of Adam Rose's dick? Once, you know, we do Patreon videos that do really well. I think one of them with you helicoptering, I'm not sure it'd be a massive uptake in. I think you're so wildly inaccurate. I reckon it is a video of Alan, Adam, helicoptering on the table. Well, we record our next on a Monday.

So bring your dick. Let's get some sign-ups for Christmas. I'm going to go body. Yeah, I'm going body. Because 15 million... You can buy your own body that you want. You can't. What?

What? Turkey body? Look at all the famous people they've got. Yeah, you can improve it. But you can't, like... Like, Jonah Hill got fit and then he got fat again. And he's a multi-millionaire. Because it's hard to keep it off.

The perfect body forever. I love eating shit. No maintenance. I'm going for the 50 mil. Eat whatever you want. Booze whenever you want. You look amazing. But you still have your skin.

Money won't make you happy, lad. You want the perfect body. Rowie Bags is doing alright. For 50 million, I want the V. I'm going for 15 mil. It isn't even close. And you'd keep that? Yeah.

No, I'd just go with the gym and get the body I want and be a multi multi millionaire yeah but see in my head right it's easier for me

to earn 15 million pounds than it is for me to get my perfect body and I genuinely believe that to stop eating pasta I genuinely believe that

it's easier for me to earn I think I've got more chance of earning 15 million in my lifetime than having Anthony Joshua's body. Is that your perfect body, yeah? Also, you're 28, so in your head you're like, I've still got time.

My time is up. I'm 40 in March, and this is what I've got. I'm not fucking turning this around by 45. That's a slog. Just want to click, pow and then I've got the question of, with that body is it just like, lucky Laura or do I have to be like babe, you're going to let me have to

fucking have a mistress because I've got a V come on, I know I've got two kids but I've got a V, you can model though yeah, yeah that's with the new face of Hugo Boss no, the body Hugo Boss, I'll be like, oh my God, look at that.

No, but models look odd, don't they? Thank you. No, but they do. Thank you. No. Thank you. Have you ever seen a Burberry model? They've always got like...

They've always got weird faces. Thank you. They're not generically good looking, so you'd be... I'm trying to compliment you there in a most roundabout way. You'd look different to all the other men with the bodies you've got. I mean, you'd look like, oh, he looks interesting. Yeah.

So you would be able to. I don't know if I'm going to get any more than this. It's going to come full circle, isn't it? Because they're starting to put not classically model material people in the windows now. Do you know what I mean? Slightly chubbier, slightly more normal people. Oh, there's a pretty little thing advert with a lady with some fucking meat.

I just feel like, honestly, I love it. Hot girls with a bit of meat is amazing. A couple of years, especially if this podcast keeps growing. I'm not a hot girl, am I? No, but we could be like the one for the men. Like, say this gets bigger and bigger, and like everyone's talking about Just Adam and Dan

And they want to wear what we wear You know like with our merch Underpant range Yeah Perfume Yeah What Eau de nonce

Eau de nonce Eau de lid Eau de lid Eau de lid Yeah Eau de nonce wouldn't sell that The new range From have a word

Parfum I think eau de nonce is just old Spice it up We'll have one of them adverts You know when they're like They just say random words And they're like Have a word, parfum. I think eau de nonce is just old spice. We'll have one of them adverts, you know, when they're like, they just say random words. And they're like... Have a word. Have you seen a survivalist?

Pasti. Sorghum. Pasti. West Harbour. Salt and pepper chicken. Roncorn. Calm as calm. That's so ridiculous.

It's past these chips. The new fragrance. From lead. Eau de lead. Have you seen a survivalist? We could be the models, couldn't we? Like, we could be the fat, dumpy ones that break the mould and become

like, you know what I mean? Like, I'm just saying, if they're going to do it, why not us? Why not the hottest podcast in the game? Dream big, sweetheart. That hasn't happened with men yet, has it? No. So there's a lot of plus size models, which is an insane thing to say, because they're just people. But there's a lot of, like, different models, as it? No. So there's a lot of plus-size models, which is an insane thing to say, because they're just people.

But there's a lot of different models, as you say. But there's not many men who've got different bodies, is there, really? No. Apart from a Giacomo. They're not topless, are they? No. Yeah, and it's still Freddy Flintoff, who, by the way, we'd all kill for his fucking...

I know he's a bit of a chunk, but he's in a good shape. Yeah. He's heavy-structured. Maybe we should start a movie he's hung low he's a professional athlete isn't he

yeah you can show men nipples as well I'm telling you not woman nipples it's weird that innit you can be a woman is that equality no

get women's tits out that's what that's what Carl's doing for the feminist movement everyone get their tits out everyone get their tits out Everyone get their tits out If you make 50 million quid I think we need a new couch

We definitely need a new coffee table And I'm leaning on you That coffee table was 12 quid Yeah If you've got 50 million quid You're like no it's a good coffee table Old coffee Would you

Do you have your 50 million quid now You wouldn't move from here would you Yeah Probably get a bigger room in the same building Really 50 million No but I don't mean expand Because yeah we're going to expand But I mean like you wouldn't move from here, would you? Yeah. Probably get a bigger room in the same building. Really? 15 million? No, but I don't mean expand, because, yeah, we're going to expand,

but I mean, like... Yeah, we'd leave this building. Straight away? Yeah. Where would we go? We'd own our own building, wouldn't we? Hang on, is this a collective 15 million? I don't mean...

If the pod gets 15 million, so if Heineken come and go, we want to sponsor the pod, and we're like, cool, 10, 15, oh, 15 million. Right, okay, well come and go, we want to sponsor the pod, and we're like, cool. 10, 15? Oh, 15 million. Right, okay.

Well, wasn't expecting that, but I'll let you, I'll let Adam send the invoice. I'm sending that invoice. And 15 million comes in all in one. I don't think we need a fire lady whinging at us, do we? No. This is the spiritual home of the Havoward Massive.

Right, cool. You can keep it, and we can come have a fucking sit down once in a while. Where would we put it in Chester in Liverpool we should look for somewhere to

oh hang on I don't think we should leave Runcorn right this is how mental it is I have jokingly given Runcorn so

much stick on this podcast even with that clip that went viral on Facebook when I went where could you say the n-word in a queue I mean maybe

Runcorn Runcorn and I walked on last night at the gig that was my first gig back since Even with that clip that went viral on Facebook when I went, where could you say the N-word in a queue? I mean, maybe Ronco, Milco. And I walked on last night at the gig. That was my first gig back since October the 31st, and I felt rusty. Adam was fucking great. Freddie Quinn was quality. Paul Smith was great. He was trying new stuff.

And I felt a bit rusty. And I walked on, and I think, because of the rules and regulations about you've got to have pre-ordered the drinks, and you can't do this this and you can't do that everyone just feels a bit fucking pecked by it it's not that it's completely killed the atmosphere but it starts

a bit like it's a ball like masks and people whinging at you and I walked on and I was like alright everyone and they were like ehhh and it was noticeably flatter than when I've done that gig for you two or three times in Runcorn and in my head I went oh shit they've seen that clip about Runcorn Wilco's. I totally got in my own head that everyone was like, oh, here he is.

Works here. We home his business. And he fucking gives a shit. So, but I'll say this about Runcorn. It's in such a cracking spot. It's halfway between us. All the guests can get here so fucking easily. It's equidistant between Liverpool, Manchester.

It's near the M6. It's got train station. I love Runcorn for that. But I would like to be somewhere where we have our own fire person. Why don't we buy? You're in the wrong position. Why don't we buy this whole site? Right, I think this might be worth more than 15 mil. 18 then. fire person who's not like you're in the wrong position in the car park buy the heat right

I think this might be worth more than 15 mil 18 then change question 18 mil imagine if we bought it and we just like had like 40 places

and like cinema rooms and that yeah I think the heating bill is a bit of a bitch I'd get if we got 15 million quid I want a bigger fridge

yeah dream big sweetheart are you straight away moving yeah a bit of a bitch. I'd get, if we got 15 million quid, I want a bigger fridge. Yeah. Dream big, sweetheart. Are you, are you straight away moving? Yeah. I think we'd have to. Genuinely,

we've got to be, we will outgrow the studio. I know we love it. I mean, we already are. It's, it's already. Like,

I love it. And if we move anywhere, we'll replicate. But there is a point in the future where this room might even be a secondary room. With 15 million, you'd just build a new complex, wouldn't you? Yeah. But I'm not, Runcorn, the Sunny Hills, I think it'd be in Runcorn. And also, we might benefit from this, because this podcast is growing rapidly, right?

We're going to be making some maybe we're making a million pound a month next year never know right and because of the I love it because of the pandemic

it literally gave me a little dick tingle because of the pandemic through the sock loads of businesses are struggling and I'm just saying there might be like

a fucking shut down wacky warehouse we could buy turn it into our fucking own thing when the genius comes out the genius what

what about an old mecha bcca bingo? Bingo's got to be on its arse. Yeah. Oh, my God. Finn's dad won't come. Are we branching out into, like, half a weird wacky warehouse? What?

No, we just want the building. We're not hosting a wacky warehouse for kids. Oh! Is that what you were thinking? Why not? Because then, right... Right, kids, get out of the ball pool! It's record time! Come on! We can do live shows, right kids get out the ball pool it's record time come on we can do

live shows right parents bring the kids parents can don't need to worry about child care we can record any day of the week because at the minute you know we have to juggle your child care with the times of the pod spring getter last year in the wahiweros we go upstairs and do a live show finn have you got a criminal background check you might need to get one for that you're in charge of the ball pool yeah okay and I'm just saying just let's be I think we can be beyond this

15 million I want my own we'll have a little we'll have dressing rooms each one we'll be too big we won't even talk to each other no

I'll be like in dressing room one like is he here just let me know when he's here that makes me excited as soon as we get on like hey busy mate and then have a break for him that's exciting though isn't it imagining each

other with your own dress if we get that big though i want a buy uh executive box at anfield it's half a million pound a year uh you're allowed to take up to 10 people in but i'm just saying it's going on the business account so just get on board with it now i mean as long as you want to go this one as well then fine well no on board with it now. Okay, cool. I just want a gooderson as well then. Fine. Well, no then. No. You can have a ticket in the family enclosure. What a strange dream to have.

I want an executive box at Liverpool and wacky warehouse facilities for childcare. But executive boxes are fucking shit. No, they're not. They are

because you've got no atmosphere. You have? I would rather be in the middle of the main stand. Yeah, I would but if we're earning fucking 15 In the middle of the main stand. The main stand. Yeah, I would, but if we're earning fucking £15 million a month, we're going to be quite famous.

You can't be fucking standing there. Just put that hat on. Don't forget your roots. Fuck that. I want to be in the middle of the street. £15 million a month now. The growth of this podcast, in Adam's mind,

in the last sort of eight minutes, we're over £15 million! We'll buy Liverpool right and I'm telling you now if we do get if we do get to 15 million pound a month

right and Liverpool are like 10 million pound short for killing Mbappe we're fucking funding it no that's your three months worth of money

no no no no we will invest in it and then we'll help them buy Mbappe and we'll just like get... We'll invest in what? Killing Mbappe? Yeah.

Listen, we'll buy his legs. He's got expensive legs. Well, we'll buy one leg and a toe. We've gone from a question asking how long your dick would be perfect to how are we going to invest in killing Mbappe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've only got really 10 million

because we spent a lot of money on a wacky warehouse. So you can have one forearm and a buttock. That's 8 million. We'll put it towards... And we'll just be like, all you've got to do for us to chip in for Mbappe is just change the centre circle to the Havre Word logo. Seems legit.

We'll call it quits. Seems legit. Yeah. I just like a garden office. Yeah. And literally, Seems legit I'm gonna call it quits Seems legit Yeah I just like a garden office And Yeah And literally We'll change the match day announcer To our African lady

Welcome to Anfield For today's game Liverpool Against Tottenham Hospice Liverpool Against Tottenham Hospice The scorer Of this goal

In the 36th minute Oh and She's got the soundboard If someone shoots that wide She can be, and she's got the sound board. If someone shoots that wide, she's going to be like, Kobe!

She's got the sound board. She's got the sound board. Fucking United have just scored. I'm setting me in, nasty bitch.

And it looks like he's going to be out for up to three months. Oh, here comes fucking Diogo Dazalot. Mama like that. Mama like that. Great touch. Oh, here comes fucking the old old jazz. Mama like that. Mama like that.

Great touch. Yeah, so they have a weird logo at the centre circle. Jürgen's congestion phase. What a circle, though, is it? What? It'd be a centre... What is it? Speech bubble?

Shape, is it? Loads of fixture problems. It's a hexagon, technically. It's a custom shape. Right, we need a break because we're arguing about shapes and Kylian Mbappe's buttocks. This has been a wacky warehouse of an episode

and I have fucking loved it. And we've got a great guest in the second section. Let's have a break, boys! Order! Order! Order! Like the man said, you can order our new line of merch at haveawordpod.com. Go and have a look. We've got some amazing new merch.

We've really upped our motherfucking game. Got new color t-shirts, new hoodies, logos, designs. And the best bit, we've got our catchphrases. Some of our favorite podcast catchphrases. Catchphrases like rat, tur, upset me, and baffalusial. Go and check out the website. See if there's something you want to buy for yourself. Haveawordpod.com.

Follow us on socials at Haveawordpod. Tweet about it. Share it on Facebook. Give us a like on Instagram. Oh, Jesus, no, you're a good egg. Back to the pod, you beautiful lids. From Texas to Skem, everybody is listening to the funniest podcast in the game. It has to be

Have A Word yeah the pain's still there but can't notice it anymore if you're looking at it good to have you in thanks for having me what's the problem when did we

who put these stickers on oh sound we've we've branded now we can't sell them when we move up in the world are we recording now yeah can't sell them when we move up in the world are we recording now? yeah we're on

hiya that was a technical issue my ADHD will kick off John May is here ladies and gentlemen let's have a little bit of applause for him there we go

thanks for coming in my pleasure you've been doing quite a lot of podcasts lately haven't you no not really you're not? no I've seen you pop up on a few though

I've done one hasn't been shown yet I've only think I've only done three okay but you were saying just before we hit record and then Carl told you after talking

off pod that you've started one yourself yeah well sort of there's a boxer Jazza Dickens yeah he's a belter

he asked me if I fancy doing a podcast with him and I was like I just feel like I had a bit much going on and I didn't want to

but I thought do you know what Jazza he's one of the best human beings I've ever met I thought go ahead yeah start so just out of nowhere

it just happened and we started it last week we went got a studio there I was like sounds but I got guests

there so I just turned up sounds what's it called because we're trying to plug it for you yeah I know I'm telling you it's called well he went got a studio doing it I was like sounds but I got guests here so I just turned up sounds what's it called because we're trying to plug it for you yeah I know

I'm telling you it's called well he's got like this he's got this little saying that he uses famalam

hello famalam he's like he's boss he has a and obviously I say how are we so we've called it the how are we

famalam podcast I like it you must have been when Liverpool signed Thiago and they announced it with how are we with his little turkey teeth smile. You must have been, when Liverpool signed Thiago and they announced it with,

how are we? With his little turkey teeth smile. Yeah. That must have been a nice moment, that. Well, I know the producer, Mark, because I've done a little bit for Liverpool and he sent me this video. I, you know, I follow Liverpool,

but I'm not a mad fan. Do you know what I mean? I thought, why has he sent me this? Like, you know, I was watching it and he was walking towards the camera. I was you know I was watching it and he was walking towards the camera I was like

I was watching it in the car and I was like he's going to say how are we and I was like how are we and I was like yes

and he messaged me and went yeah yeah that was homage it's taken over it's definitely part of our vocabulary oh

vocab vocab vocabulary it's taken over a bit vernacular oh yeah fucking hell rowey bags yeah

they don't call me rowey bags they just don't they just don't call me rowey but it has we've started pods like how are we I mean obviously everyone always says

how are we but I think I sort of just well you you put it into a viral character yeah so for our listeners slash viewers who don't know who you are already,

I discovered your work this year through Carl and Paul Smith sharing it. At one point, Carl was like, are you onto this lad? Yeah. A little air. But you've set up several characters who are now appearing in various different strands

of what is one big story. So we've got... Creators of the universe. Yeah. We've got Marvel characters, essentially. So you've got Craig, who's a bit of a slow lad from the will. Is that all right to say? I never said slow.

He's just, you know, I'm saying nothing. He's socially awkward. Yeah. He might have a few other symptoms but yeah I love how you created this character and now I look like

I'm the one taking a piss at him don't label it just don't label it a lot of times we were in the the per wonder and we walked past

the lego shop and I pointed and he went like we quote your stuff quite a lot on top of how are we we went into we were doing a craigsland dateable episode and we just went in there again we quote your stuff boys a lot on top of halloween yeah

we went into the we were doing the craigs undateable episode and we just went in there with the camera and i thought we'll go in here in the trammy shop but we're just

going here and i'll just just film me and it was dead there was only two members of staff there and he was like he was snobby as it was and no one was in there so

i had to go around him the whole place that was great and um but there was a there was a lego of is it what's it called Frenton Park Frenton Park

and I went yeah come here come here and he's filming and he just went Lego like that Chamia Rovers

chocolate so this is one of John's characters Craig who you filmed essentially a full

episode of you called it the first dateables. First dateables, yeah. You can't call it first dates or the undateables because then Channel 4 or whoever else might get it. You love smashing things together like that, don't you?

Yeah. Yeah, it's just... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It works. Yeah, it's a paradigm. Let you know without it being like a legal problem down the line. That's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

First dateables. Nice, nice. It's a combination. So I love it and I think if you showed someone like two episodes of the undateables

right and then just put that on as the third yeah they wouldn't even know that it's a parody well I played this other

character called Karen who's a woman it all starts off with women as well and um but people forget it's me but the thing is

the amount of people that have messaged me or like people who don't know who I am who've been watching it they've thought it was a proper episode till I turn up

dressed up as a woman hiding they're like I thought that was a fucking real episode do you know what I mean do you know what's mad about it

them fucking adverts are unbelievable that Pim's advert is mad you haven't watched the full thing have you South Africa's mad about it them fucking adverts are unbelievable that Pim's advert is mad you haven't watched the full thing have you that was the first advert in South Africa

as a film fucking amazing there's two adverts in his first dateables episode right and one of

like the one in the back garden who's Derek yeah that that's good the Pim's one yeah is that an advert you did or who's Derek. Yeah. That, that's good. The Pimms one.

Yeah. Is that an advert you did? Or what, what the fuck? Yeah, it was, yeah. Because obviously, you know, we wanted to make it as real. Like we even called it

Not Channel 4 and made, had the same artwork and everything. And we thought we're going to have an advertisement in this. I was like,

I'll put mine in. You know what I mean? So that Pimms one yeah that was for I've done like 30 commercials now I've done quite a few but that Pimms one that was in Cape Town

yeah and I think it's called Longstreet and he blocked the whole thing you have to film that full fucking bang so when so you've done 30

commercials yeah as a an actor or since you've been doing the characters oh no no I've been an actor for about 15 years

right right I was like fucking hell that's impressive As an actor or since you've been doing the characters? Oh, no, no. I've been an actor for about 15 years. Right, right. I was like, fucking hell. That's impressive commercial success, isn't it? No, but even actors, it's hard to get commercial. So I've done all right. I've mainly done commercial. There's a mate in comedy. You know, is it Paul Taylor?

Paul F. Taylor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never... You know when you see a mate getting an advert? As a comedian. Because we, like, actors obviously get adverts comedians are down the pecking order and there's a bit of like

oh good for you mate that pays the bills for a bit Paul F. Taylor has done so many fucking adverts what's his name? Paul F. Taylor who's got curly hair good looking lad he was in there was a run

maybe a couple of years ago where it was like every fifth fucking advert you're like there's Paul paying off everyone's mortgage working for like TSB I've been there and I've watched

there's been an advertisement break and it might get five six adverts I've been in three of them in that break oh mate it's crazy innit I did that one for

the bank and it bent my head like what because I so it was a I did stand up in an advert and it would be on like what because I so it was a I did stand up in an advert and it would be on

at half time at the Liverpool match so I'd be in mine and I'd go to make like a cup of tea at half time and you'd hear your own voice coming from the living room

and I'm like what the fuck it's surreal innit that was mental though to be able to do stand up and get the advert money that was like I like

I don't know whether I can say this publicly I like resent the fact that I get recognised from that advert like I don't know whether I can say this publicly I resent the fact that I get recognised from that advert because obviously when you do stand up and certainly the type of stand up I like doing

and what I want to do it's not quite what I did on the advert because an advert for a bank is not necessarily going to be your greatest work they check the script don don't they? Adam, we love what you do. We've seen your YouTube. Just go for it. We'll edit it.

Don't worry about it. What's this about? Transgender. Yeah, this will work. It's quite... I think my next stand-up show, I think I've got the title I was telling Carly today. I think I'm going to call it Aren't You That Lad? And it's going to be the various ways in which people vaguely recognise me

because every now and then I'll get recognised as oh I've seen your podcast oh I've seen you on Rogue Spiral oh aren't you Paul Smith's mate oh

you're that fat but like I've seen people at Hot Water aren't you Jack's brother I've had that before once and I'll never get over it

my little brother I was stood at the bar at Hot Water Comedy Club there is no building on the face of this fucking planet where I should be more recognisable

and someone came up to me at the bar and went Jack Rose brother what the fuck's going on but yet the advert like I see people in the crowd and I've got a bit

that I do about it now because at Hot Water the majority of people have gone either just for the comedy or just for Paul Smith and they'll be like maybe

if there's 100 people there maybe 20 of them are there for me or at least know who I am I've walked on and I see people go what's that you're on that advert and I've got to talk about it now but at least it was stand up you know what I mean it wasn't like some

fucking cringey, you're dressed up as a bellend. No, but I sort of wish I was just working in Greggs or something. Can you hear what you're saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I haven't seen it, sorry. Yeah, I don't really want to see it. I didn't send it to you.

John, I only watch my own adverts, obviously. Is it the jokes in it you're telling that you don't like? It's not that. One of the jokes in was a joke that I used to do on stage, and they just essentially bought it, and then there was two others I wrote. Oh, okay. But it's not your best stuff, is it?

No, I had to write it for a TV commercial. My stand-up isn't really TV commercial ready, so it was like, they were like, we want a joke about saving money. And I was like, oh, all me mates tell me,

you've got to have a savings account. And I'm like, well, I don't need one. Like, don't you want interest on your money? I'm like, well,

the only way I get interest is when I don't wear a jacket for a year and then I find a fiver in a pocket. See, that's exactly the reaction, isn't it? That's the reaction. And that's why I don't like it.

Oh, yeah. Any cringy ones, John, of those 30 adverts that you did? Anything that, even despite the money you'd like to take away? Yeah, there's fucking one that changed my life. There was... Oh, yes! The shame shudder!

I'm always talking about weight. It mentions you, doesn't it? I'm packing a little bit now but I used to be really really really really fucking fat like really fat like

and erm I done this I didn't realise how fat I was and I done this ad for Beth Fred and the idea was is that I bounced around dancing shit

there was a choreographer there on a night he was like I'd really like to work with John do something with John the director was there like no leave him as he is

that's that fucking shit anyway so when I went for the casting fucking sweating and everywhere fucking doing his dance and he cast me I was 32 at the time

he cast me with this woman who was 50 and I remember them standing we were standing there and they were like don't they make a great couple and I was like

wow anyway what was it on the night I don't know it it come out like. Everyone thought it was dead funny and all that. Such a fucking sly insult, innit? I know.

It looks like a fucking granny shag. It looked like a great couple, yeah. Because I looked 50. But when it come out, it was just me, this big fat mess, just dancing. And I've just felt like,

wow, John, literally sold me soul to the fucking devil with that one. Johnny Bags, though. Yeah, they're doing well, yeah, but literally sold me sold to the fucking devil with that one yeah I've done Johnny Bags though yeah I've done well yeah but still sold me sold to the fucking devil yeah but the money's great

initially and then two years later when you're getting that shudder it made me realise how fat I was so I got into shape after that

but yeah you got into proper shape as well didn't you at one point I've seen the pictures where you're like ripped up and that yeah I was on like

a men's physique show I went from being really fat and I walked into the gym which I'd gone a few times and the coach in there Carl

he was like he was like a fucking super world bodybuilder man and I said can you train me for this thing

and he was like really I was like yeah because I wanted them probably like you have you got ADHD

yeah you get hyper focus I don't know what that is. Once you fucking fixate on something, that is it. Yeah, that is literally you. Yeah, that's it. I'm pretty convinced I've got ADHD, but when you've got ADHD, one of the traits is hyper-focus.

So once you fucking click on just something, that's it. So we said, yeah. It's definitely me. Oh, I'll give you a lesson in ADHD. I know all about it. that's it so we said yeah so I'll give you a lesson

I know all about it but it's yeah so in seven months I lost really I lost five stone in about six months so I went from being

a really fat fucker to getting on stage like in my little bills and I was ripped to death yeah I can touch a car this guy

sort you out because you've been yeah yeah you're alright. Don't you dare touch my mantis. He's getting pissed off. You see,

we were talking about this in the first half because at the start of the year when we started this show, I was fat as fuck and he was about two and a half stone lighter. He's lost weight. He's lost weight. I've found it. That's the banter. Yeah, it's like when women...'s throwing a talker he was what what i didn't know about women i did because there was what five women working here i didn't realize women synchronize you know when you come on did

you know about this yeah yeah i didn't fucking know i don't know how it works though yeah it must be i don't know what it is i thought you were gonna be like i lost so much weight i synchronized as well how does that work? what women synchronise? how does how do they know? I really really really would love to know about this

I know why it happens I think this is the podcast to answer that question what is John? these seats are so big I've got an idea now you've got a little of it yeah yeah thanks mate

in indigenous tribes yeah getting deep right this is why they all synchronise in indigenous tribes right they don't have couples

all the males have sex with all the females and when they when someone has a baby they raise it as a family they don't know what the dad is

so that's what it's about is so they all have sex at the same time right yeah just a little bit of yeah but why is that happening in Wigan

same one same one on the estate it's still in they're all raising a kid together that's not happening anyway in here

everyone's at their grand I understand the tribal side of it but if it's still happening on a council estate in the north west of England we need to evolve that out we need to phase it out but once that's in your code it doesn't go does it, but if it's still happening on a council estate in the north-west of England... We need to evolve that out. We need to phase it out.

But once that's in your code in, it doesn't go, does it? Yeah, but we've never been a tribe here, have we? No, but we're still of that... Elch. Elch. Elch. Elch.

Elch. Delete that. We're still of that Elch. Mate. Oh, phone. We're not even that shit, anyway. But I actually I've always wondered

And I don't When I wonder about things I don't google them Because I don't like Knowing for sure I like just Hypothesising And trying to figure out

So why do How How does it work If it's not witchcraft And I know you don't Believe in stuff like that I love it how it goes To witchcraft

Look It could be witchcraft You don't know it's not witchcraft, so it could be fucking witchcraft. No, but it could be. Isn't it like pheromones? It's just hormones and pheromones. Yeah, but how do they know?

There's no internet connection. They're linked on Wi-Fi. Do you know what I mean? There's just no way of synchronising. They're not like all... It's not like the old hands and then they all like... No, but they all give off shit, don't they?

Is there any male equivalent for this? Yeah, we get a man period. No, we don't. What are you talking about? We have, like, hormone imbalances throughout the month. I'm fucking cautious.

Well, a man did tell me yesterday he's having the male menopause. I hope he's not watching this. But he said, I'm going through a male menopause. The male menopause.

What's the male menopause? And he was saying, like, you become impotent and certain things happen. Your hormones go up and you grow boobs sometimes I didn't know what your testosterone

goes yeah I didn't know there was a male menopause I think when you hit 40 late 30s your testosterone levels lower

yeah but why would you we've got a comedian mate who's on what's it is it TRT the male version of like hormone replacement

TRT yeah and he's fucking jacked But now he's fucking massive I don't know who you're talking about You do The only massive feathering comedy One of the many weightlifting comedians Oh really

Yeah Johnny Vegas Fuck Yeah you know that ripped massive weightlifting comedian Just go through the fucking list I didn't know he was going through that. TNT, yeah. Yeah. Mad.

I don't know if we're allowed to say who it is, but, you know. Yeah, well, everyone who knows who he is... But I think my testosterone could be going pretty quickly, but I'm also basically a regular at the Runcorn KFC, so that is a part of it. I need fucking Zingertower replacement therapy that's what I need I just like

I find that so alien because I'm like 10 how old are you John? well 39 39 so same same as you when are you 40 John?

on the 24th of August 2020 oh okay 15th of March oh okay yeah yeah what are you doing for your 40th? do you know what I'm going to do

for my 40th? I'm going to hire a camper van and I'm going to drive to a place called Grindelwald in Switzerland. That genuinely sounds fucking quality. It does. Are you taking anyone else? Well, I currently don't have a love interest, but if I do have a love interest, I'll go with her.

And if I haven't got a love interest, I'll go on my fucking own. Either way, I'm going. Either way, you're not going. Listen, mate, I don't think you understand turning 40. I'll go on my fucking own either way I'm going either way you're not going listen mate I don't think you understand turning 40 nothing about being 40 makes me want to go

I want to come in your camper van I want to get my own camper van and drive the other direction to be fair it sounds the theory is fucking amazing it's just the way he's setting up

if I'm going on a test you know what man I'm going on my own what do you think about that idea it sounds you know if I'm going on incest you know what man I'm going on my own obviously what do you think about that idea it sounds fucking

immense yeah sounds immense yeah because you've got to go through Belgium and all the other places

France yeah get the pandemic out of the way meet some friends in fucking Antwerp get shit faced what do you plan

to do for your 40th we are all we're going to go to America oh yeah yeah obviously everything's got to chill 40th we are all we're going to go to America oh yeah yeah obviously everything's got to chill the fuck out

in America we're going to go to the dam first aren't we we're going to go to America if we can well I don't know if we remember

I'm 40 in March and my wife is giving birth at the end of April so I don't know where the dam gets jammed in there but I think

America at the end of the year well that's a fucking great idea that's a fucking great idea that's not an idea anyone does for the 21st that's the like

the progression of man 40th how old are you? 28th what's the most important 30 in your life do you think? so far

what do you think is the biggest one? ooh everyone seems to think it's 30 30 seems like you're a you're a full adult with 30 I think I think that's 30 30 seems like you're a you're a full adult

with 30 I think I think that's what it is once you're you've got a 3 at the start of your number I think you've got to stop fucking around do you know what I mean

yeah you can't like be a little like coke taking Jagerbomb having Lemmo headed manslag at 32 oh but you just do it less 30 Oh you just do it less

No but you just do it a lot less Do you know what I mean? I think you've got to start to like look at where your life is at 30 Not necessarily be like total settle or anything

but you've got to be like one eye on the prize I think you think that I think yeah I think 40's the biggest one Do you feel that way? I think

I think what happens with bird babies is 21 is massive, 30 is big. But when you hit 40, that's a massive one. But those big 40, 50, 60, there is also an element of you're not dead. Yeah, yeah. Doing well, are you? No one at 30 is like, thank fuck I made it to 30. But I've lived such a dog shit lifestyle in places that 40 is a bit of a result. If I get to 50, I'm clocking it.

I'm like, nice one. In my head, I'm not even, you know, I don't know where you think you're going, but I can't be, I'll take 70 now. I'll take 70. What I was getting around to before, I'm 10 years behind both of you. Well, how old are you, Finn?

We're 10 years ahead. 22. You're 10 years ahead, right? And you're talking about like your testosterone dropping off. I just can't even imagine the day where I don't wake up with a fucking raging heart. I've got a mate who sells it there. I'll just fucking bring it down. But I don't think I'm ever going to need it.

I feel like I've got so much. It's just going to be there forever. Yeah, and that's how it works, Adam. That's how it worked for my hair when I was 18. God, I keep growing hair. I'm sure it'll stay on my fucking head. 23 years old Look like a pedo

Yeah It's just Just because you think You've got loads now Doesn't mean like You know When did you stop Waking up with a boner

Both of you When did that happen I don't know Or is it still happening Do you wake up Every single day Every single day Without fail with a boner

I can't remember Did you miss that one I can't remember The last day I woke up Not completely hung over without a boner. You must have some funky dreams, you lad. No.

Every day. I could be dreaming about fucking, like, painting the spare room. I'll still wake up fucking hard. Maybe your prostate's in trouble. I woke up with a boner today. You're talking about dreams. I got a message off someone today.

He's an artist in Liverpool. You know him. Okay. Is it John? Might be. I'm not message off someone today. He's an artist in Liverpool. You know him. Okay. Is it John? Might be. I'm not going to ask John. I'm going to tell him. He's a regular listener as well, you know.

That's okay. I woke up. I got this this morning at 7.45. I woke up at 4.01 this morning. I wrote my dreams down in a note to my phone. This was it. The voice! Me flying, went to a sweet shop,

talking to John in a bed in a shopping centre. We both had cool necklaces on. We both had cool necklaces on, which gave us comfort. John May was laying in bed, chatting away to me with Katie Taylor Swift. John May was laying in bed, chatting away to me and Katie Taylor Swift,

cuddling up to him, holding, rubbing his ears with his fingers. Then an emoji doing that. And then, have a boss day, mate. Ha, ha, ha. Give necklaces that give us comfort

that is you are you're like close mates aren't you funny that oh dear that is one thing

I haven't replied that is one thing I am in have you not no I blocked him fuck off mate Taylor Swift

that's one thing I do not miss about being in a relationship at all I enjoy about being single is not being told the dream

from the night before I don't think there's a more tedious conversation you can have with your partner I had a dream last night yeah I can imagine

you did you were asleep for eight hours yeah and we were like we were in our house but it wasn't our house it was like it was our house in the dream but it wasn't like this one and you were there but you had like you had like david blaine's head but i was still calling you adam and you were responding so it was you but you i i love waking up seeing no one next to me and being like oh none of that shit this morning. Yeah, well, I've got a three-year-old girl as a daughter and a wife,

so now I get, oh, daddy, I had a dream. And you're like, oh my God, I'm getting it from my wife. And they're equally... Was that your wife? Yeah, yeah. She wakes up and goes,

daddy, daddy, I've weaned the bed. All right, well, let's get Etta up first then. They're equally as boring a three year old and a 34 year old it's still like and it was weird yeah

that's your fucking subconscious did you ever get the you cheated on me pissed off yes I was just about to say it and they give you shit all day for it well I'm sorry

you feel uncomfortable about yourself yeah you know what I mean you cheated on me I never yeah but don't you feel like it might be your behaviour

that's planting that in their subconscious so you have to take something away oh my god Adam's so right. You're on the side of women. You cheated on me last night. No.

You were a dick in my dreams. Yeah, but you wouldn't be a dick in her dream if you weren't a dick in real life. Apparently I'm wearing fucking necklaces for company. So it doesn't stick. I'd love to know what necklace it was, you know? I love that he didn't,

I love that he didn't check himself. He's like, no, I'm definitely sending this. He needs to start the day. Should we wait till nine? No, no,

no, no, no, no. I want to get this across while it's still fresh. Sent. He's going to send something really nice back. 3pm,

fuck all. Yeah, I want a podcast talking about it I just think we need to be very conscious on this podcast you know that we're not slagging off women

because we're always there's a lot of men that come on I'm a man you're a man got two men over there a lot of men that come on we need to take responsibility for the way we make women feel

on a regular basis sorry Adam can I just shut up upset me nasty bitch fucking rat fucking rat fucking rat

that sounds fucking Grindelwald no that's not that's a character from Harry Potter it is same thing yeah google it he's from Fantastic

Beasts yeah so he's named after thank you Harry Potter nonce over there you don't see him in the films

why Grindelwald though it just looks beautiful I've seen a picture of it once and I went there I know the exact

picture you've seen as well all the lights and the mountains yeah I can just see me walking into a bar and wearing a fucking

you know an all in one suit on an all in one ski suit getting cosy with some Swedish Switzerland woman what I thought you were

going in the middle of summer is it always snowy there you look like a fucking sweaty dog I said you

on a mountain in the middle of August it's baking and you've got a ski suit on and all these fucking you look really

hot it'd be like fucking Lloyd Christmas and fucking thingy from Aspen that 50 year old man he's very

sweaty oh god have you ever done any acting acting jobs that that i don't know i didn't know i literally didn't know you're an actor i just sat here going oh i told dan we're getting john on and i showed him you store for sure we need to plug as well kenny's christmas carol which you're doing at the minute which is not only fucking brilliant and so ridiculously well produced by ethan who I've worked with before he's filmed some of my soundbites

and Steve Timmons the production quality is amazing it's amazing it's your mate in tonight huh Paul Smith Paul Smith

it's his episode tonight he popped up at the end of the last one I really really liked that hey mate yeah Kenny hey mate

I'm loving it so far but it's also it's doing quite a lot for a good cause as well Kenny's Christmas Carol isn't it tell us about it just let people know

come together Christmas yeah yeah but the deadline stopped today actually it's just Mark Scanner and a guy called Chris Brown

you come together and he just wants to get loads of toys for like you know people who are suffering this year type of thing so getting distributed to community centres around the city

and then it's going to get passed on to families who need it. So loads of people have come to this come together hub where they're bringing toys and there's been different places. There's been little placards with my face on it everywhere, which is like a sort of drop-off spot. I've seen some of them, yeah. Yeah, today's the day. And I'm driving past like, no way.

The proportion of my head and the body's not right. I've seen some of them, yeah. Yeah, today's the day. And I'm driving past and I'm like, no way. Oh my God. The proportion of my head and the body's not right. I've got a massive head. But yeah, it ends today. But, you know, you can still donate later in the year. And you can still watch it?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the charity. So for everyone going to find it, because they'll want to watch it. We've done four episodes and it's basically Christmas Carol,

but I've got a character called Kenny Corona and he is Scrooge and then Karen, his wife, she's like Bob Cratchit and then you've got Craig the Wolf. He's like Tiny Tim

and we've got, well, Drew Schofield. He's like a brilliant actor from Lidpool. He's in it. Jake Abraham from Lockstock.

We've got Pete Price in it. Tell you what, he's a cracking fella, you know. we've got Pete Price in it tell you what he's a cracking fella you know he's sound I thought he was great and the fact that he's willing to let you

call him a lizard and say tastes like chicken and you took it well I know he even connected me on that did he I went

tastes like chicken Pete and he went no it's more like it tastes like chicken Pete and I was like he's giving me tips I don't want to rip the back out of him

do you know that reference no see that's the thing with it not everyone did old school he's given me tips and I'll just rip the back out of him do you know that reference no see that's the thing with it not everyone did old school he's not Scouse is he so Pete Price

you know who Pete Price is yeah did you get on it sorry yeah it's the old wheelie bin one yeah so Pete Price

is a radio DJ from Liverpool and he's got like his own sort of phone in show late at night on like a weekend we were saying last week

actually that we need to give Dan a P Price education it's funny that this has come up now so people would ring in and like he's so sort of like

easy to wind up but he's trying to be wind one he's trying to be genuine with people people are ringing up for advice like you know what

this has happened and there was a rumour slash myth that he his arm got cut off and it grew back because he's a lizard I come up with that

was that you? yeah well have you heard that before? yeah oh I just made that up on a day someone else must have made it up before me yeah no I did

she said he's a lizard innit yeah and he grew body parts back so people would ring up and have a full on conversation with him like a fake problem and then go I've heard you're a fucking lizard Pete

and he'd go, ah, you fucking little rat! Get off me phone! And then he'd get the next call and prove. I'm going for a walk! The other one, and also people would ring up and be like, yeah, so, Pete, this was happening,

you know, it was just there, and I could just, there was this weird, like I was eating this thing, and I'd be like, it tastes like chicken! And that would be another trigger for him. Long, winded- out story about this.

My lad ran in. It was smoke, Pete. And I ran outside. I'm like, what's going on? Shutting blah, blah, blah. And the wheelie bin was there. You know, the purple ones. And it's on fire.

And I blow the air. And we're like, but you know what the funny thing is, Pete? But this story went on forever. He went, it tastes like chicken, Pete. And I went, you what? And he went, tastes like chicken pizza. It's just funny. Have you seen one with the... You need to turn your phone off.

You daft cunt. He goes, that's not your voice. It was a day's later. He goes, it's not. Me and my mate Owen, we went on this trip to America. We went to San Francisco and all around LA and Vegas. We were on this road trip and it was great. And that's all we fucking listened to.

That's all we listened to, the Christian radio, which was that's all we fucking listened to that's all we listened to the Christian radio which was fun and we also listened to Pete Price wind-ups yeah it was so funny Tony Carroll did one

so why the chicken it was just random and then people latched onto it as like a piss take every second phone call someone put it on YouTube then it's just everyone just got on it

Tony Carroll rang him right he's with Davey Ash and he goes are you Pete my name's Tony Tony Carroll you might have heard's with Davey Ash and he goes how are you Pete my name's Tony Tony Carroll you might have heard of me Pete

and you know I'm a new comedian in Liverpool I'm trying my best Pete and you know what it's like Pete you were the comedian back in the day and that and

when you start out Pete you don't get any money or anything lads and just being to a gig in Southport there lads didn't get any money and Pete's like you didn't even get your expenses

like no Pete nothing and to do one of those open spots where you don't even get anything Pete so I've missed my last train back Pete and um here's what's happened Pete I've I've got in a I've got in a Delta taxi from Southport to take me back to West Derby where I live but I said to the fella halfway there I was like listen mate I've got no money on me so when I get to ours I'm gonna have to run in and get you the money and he said that I can't do it Pete and he's

he's fucking kicked me out Pete I'm in bootle and I'm freezing my dad's not answering the phone my ma's got no money to lend me and I don't even know where she is anyway she left when I was 17

so I don't know what to do Pete and Pete Price left the radio station to go and pick him up it was all bollocks Tony was just taking a piss

he's like I'm coming to get you can I leave the studio I can I'm coming to get you. Can I leave the studio? I can. Right, I'm coming. What's his little sister called? I wasn't around.

What happened to the show? They just ended it. They just cut to a song and then ten minutes later he clocked on and came back and was like, ah, and he's tied on with the show. Fuck.

He's finished on Radio City now, hasn't he? He's just got rid of everyone, hasn't he? He's not on Radio City anymore. Is he not now? No. Has he not got his own? Yeah, he's on something called, now hasn't he he's just got rid of everyone hasn't he he's not on Radio City anymore is he not now no has he not

yeah he's on something called Liverpool Live Liverpool Live 24 oh yeah Pauline Daniels has got one on there yeah it's that one

he's on there yeah he is sound though he's good in that yeah he'd have this preconception but do you know what he was fucking great

I don't like him I think we'd be friends for life did you just wink at him through the't you? But do you know what? He was fucking great and I like him. I think we'll be friends for life. Did you just wink at him through the camera? Wait till he sends you dream messages in the morning.

He's already in my dreams. A ghost of Christmas past. John, who's your favourite character that you play? I'm always interested to know that.

Your favourite one to play. Okay, I'll tell you my least favourite in order. Oh, the league table of characters. You're going to ruin it for me now aren't you Kenny Let's just give people a little bit of background

before you give us the list Kenny is he wears the big wig and he's overly scouse conspiracy theorist, aggressive scouser Lad But you've got to shout with him all the time conspiracy theorist aggressive yeah scouser lad yeah lad

but you've got to shout with him all the time so that's sorted it so I've struggled with him Covid

yeah so he yeah he's hard him I love playing Craig because most you know I just Craig's easy I can just improvise with Craig

Craig's just a lovely boy isn't he yeah everyone wants to take him home and just look after him and women want to marry him because they know he will never leave them do you know what i mean insecure women yeah he's just he's a safe bet for a woman but turkey teeth right my favorite is right but like turkey teeth the amount of women are fancy turkey teeth yeah he's a piece of shit

he's cocky though and he girls like confidence yeah but you fucking love him do you know who fancies do you know who fancies Craig women who've been fucked over by too many turkeys he's

yeah but he took a long time yeah that's exactly what it is but he used to love Derek as well yeah Derek Derek's his brother that's his brother

yeah well but yeah but em yeah everyone loves Derek he's a lovable rogue. He's a, you know, he's your local friendly drug dealer. He is, yeah. He drops...

He drops off fucking... Well... Selection boxes for the punters' kids. Selection boxes for the punters' kids. He's dropping off a bag of Lemmo and that's for the kids. Do you know what I mean? Good customer service.

We love it, like. Karen as well obviously Karen yeah Karen I like playing Karen yeah I love the way you end the sentences with Karen

you what the way you end the sentences you know what aye I love with Karen that it's so convincing that I forget you've got a beard

I used to play two women I used to play Karen Karen and Kirsty Kirsty's currently in jail She is currently in jail but you know what she will fucking turn up one day you know

do you know when she'll turn up it'll be like Nick Cotton turning up at the Rovers not the Rovers at the fucking Vic you'll just see this suitcase drop and his pair of shoes

and the camera will just rise and it'll be Karen and Kirstie just standing like that and Bach and then it'll be fucking murder so we've got Kenny who's

dead aggressive dead loud scouse you've got Craig who's dead lovely lad from the widow has had a bit of a hard life because he's clearly been

bullied a little bit while he was a kid you've got Turkey Teeth who has got Turkey Teeth and he's got his own events company his own t-shirt printing company

and whatever else he drops off meat round Christmas he's that lad who can company, his own T-shirt printing company. And whatever else. He drops off meat around Christmas. He's that lad who can get you anything for 50 quid. Yeah. Karen is Kenny's wife or bird? Yeah. Well, he's got the same second name, so it's a bit weird.

He's not actually technically married, but I didn't really think about it that much at the start. But she's also Craig's sister as well that's Craig's half sister yeah because Craig's mum died

when he was a kid and Karen went to live with her mum her dad in Liverpool and Craig went to live with his dad

in Bromborough on the Whirl but Karen's dad is Jimmy Corkill Dean Sullivan is he Dean Sullivan or is he Jimmy Corkill he's Jimmy Corkill. Right, okay. Dean Sullivan. Is he Dean Sullivan? Or is he Jimmy Corkill? He's Jimmy Corkill.

From Brookside? Yes. He is. Have you seen it now? He turns up at the end. You're writing the better call, Saul. Yeah. I'm freaking bad.

There's a bit where Karen sets Kenny up. He loads her round to Kirsty's because she knows they're having an affair and he lures her round, he blags it on the phone and everything and he turns round,

he goes round to the house and he comes in and he's like, Kirsty, I'm going to hate you and Karen's in bed with Kirsty, she's got to piss but she's got to,

anyway, done all this on my own and we fucking flat filmed it all and then, as the end, as the cliffhanger does a knock at the door and it's Kenny goes,

alright Jimmy, he goes, I won't have a word with you. What have you done to my daughter? Like that. Come on, crack. But yeah, so he is Jimmy Corker, yeah. That's Corker and his dad. So now we've got a sort of background on the characters.

Tell us who your favourite and your least favourite is, because you were going to do that before, and I interrupted you just to give a bit of context. It's like saying you're kids. It's like sometimes, I've got three little girls. Sometimes I go, I fucking love you. You're my favourite. And then I look at the other one, I go, but I interrupted you just to give a bit of context. It's like saying you're kids. It's like, I've got three little girls. Sometimes I go, I fucking love you. You're my favourite.

And then I look at the other one and I go, but I love you equally but for different reasons. So it's like that, I think. I love playing Craig. He's just so easy to play.

Craig is me, really. Yeah. Aww. But Kenny's me as well. I'm probably most like Kenny and Craig. I'm a combination of the two. They're like the total opposite of each other. Yeah'm probably most like Kenny and Craig. I'm a combination of the two.

They're like the total opposite of each other. Yeah, and I just, you know. If Netflix dropped in and went, we love your work, we're watching it a lot, we really want to get into Liverpool character-based comedy, and they basically gave you a pilot for one character, who would you pull out for that character? Who would I pull out?

No, which one? You can't do all of them they just want one he's not my favourite character but I did a poll on Instagram and it says who's your favourite character and I think I do

I think I was only allowed four in a poll and I put Turkey Tea a poll whatever I hate your elk what do you call it it's a poll

a poll it's right I've heard both I've heard both as well. You go to the poles, don't you? The North Pole. Barber Pole. A barge pole. Pole.

I've heard both. I've heard the barge pole. I've heard pole as well. I used to say lingerie for long, lingerie for a long, long time. And in the word Sean, I used to say scene. Yeah. Yeah. You show me the H, yeah, you're a good Sean. I've heard say seen. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. You show me the H, yeah, you're good, Sean. I'm going to poll.

Poll. I'm not even changing it. Poll. Poll. It was Derek, Turkey Teeth, Craig, Kenny. Craig got about 460 votes. You all got about 460. Turkey Teeth got like 2,500 votes.

Yeah, he's my favourite as well. Yeah, favourite as well there's so much more that you can because he's such an into everything there's so much to pad out with him isn't there he's got his own little thing but that's what I'm doing now I've got the little merchandise series thing going on where it's called Scouse Face where you've got Neil Thies don't know if you know Neil you've got Neil Thies

he works there and he's got Louise in there so that goes down that way and then I've got Derek and Craig. No, Derek and Craig, that's who's Derek, that's another little series which is going down that way. Then you've got Corona Mums,

which is Karen and Kenny. So they're all interlinked but they've all got their own little things going on which is great because if I just blather take, because when I first started on Corona Mums

and I thought, right, I'm going to end it now, I'm going to end it before I get shit. So I thought, on Corona Moments I thought right I'm going to end it now I'm going to end it before it gets shit so I thought fair enough so I thought I'll do one last episode and I'd done it but then I thought I'm going to start another series

but go in a different way so I can mix it up now and he can still all interact but Kenny's Christmas Carol is sort of that's another thing it's sort of tying it feels to me like they're being tied together with that though anyone who's listening or watches this go and check it out it's so fucking good, it feels to me like they're being tied together with that though. Yeah. Anyone who's listening or watches this,

go and check it out. It's so fucking good. I watched the first episode where, it's Kenny's, he's, like you said before, he's screwed, and he,

yeah, and Pete, it's, the ghost of Christmas past being Pete Price. His face, when Pete Price, no fucking way, Pete fucking Price.

Pete fucking Price. Yeah. Go for the walk. Go for the walk. Go for the walk. So that's on YouTube, the John May way. Is that right? Yeah, well done, yeah.

Yeah. And your Instagram, John May actor. Or Twitter, sweep the actor. Sweep the actor. And OnlyFans, John May.

Are you actually on OnlyF um oh put click on only fans oh oh get on this for a fucking this is brilliant this right i used to collect lego cards and say in breeze right and i used to collect what i last year we collected disney cards yeah and this year we collect the lego cards this is brilliant when you say we me and my kids but mostly me okay so I used to go in the Sainsbury's

by my me it was only a little Sainsbury's and I used to wait in the queue and I'd notice and I'd go in the queue

blah blah blah and there'd be women in front of me and they'd go do you want your you've got to spend a tenner would you like your

Lego cards one pack per ten pounds is it yeah you can buy them for fifty pounds as well which I felt for

and I'd walk in blah, blah, blah, and I'd hear them in front of me, do you like your Lego cards? Do you like your Lego cards? And on a number of occasions, they never asked me. And I thought that was quite sexist. And I said,

you never ask me if I want Lego cards? Like that. Oh, sorry. I'll be honest, you give me extra ones. But I went home and I thought, I remember writing for it on Facebook. I was only joking. I was saying it's quite sexist that I don't want to get offered Lego cards extra ones but I went home and I thought I remember writing for her on Facebook I was only joking

I was saying it's quite sexist that I don't want to get off with Lego cards and then I went I know what I'm going to do so I wrote to the Echo as Craig

Craig Lovechild I've seen it did you see it I wrote to the Echo as Craig and em Craig Lovechild I go to the Sainsbury's

in Bromborough and blah blah blah and I just think it's sexist that I don't get offered Lego cards you know what I mean I'm trying to fill a book and this reporter

got back to me and went I'm really sorry to hear what's happened to you Craig you know would you like we'd love to run a story

yeah I know we'd love to run a story blah blah blah fucking stupid I just thought that'd be brilliant and then she said can we have a

can you send us a thing she never wanted to phone me actually but I sent I wrote a big detailed so I think she's going to take the

info from there she went hopefully we get the story out today or tomorrow can you send us some pictures so I took some

pictures of me dressed as Craig with like a Lego card like the Lego card like that on the book just with a sad

face like that and you know at the Echo office they had a conversation going do you think he's no I don't but this is what happens

so the next day I got an email she was dead like quick and then the next day she went do you know what John nice try but eh

and then they done a story on me anyway which was great and they got the fucking height of abuse on the Echo website but then ehm she said

I'm telling you now I'm telling you now if that was a win to anyone else other than me, it would have got fucking through. Wouldn't that have been dead funny? That would have been great. So I'll have to try it another way.

Let's just reverse a sec. They did a piece on you and you got abuse on the Echo website. Have you been in the Echo quite a bit? The online Echo? I don't really know. Oh yeah? You mean,

have they featured anything about me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A few times, but I wouldn't read the comments because my mental health would go in the fucking bin honest to god it's like you know i get honestly i get 99.9 positive comments i do i i've had the odds one of a 13 year old saying calling me gay because i've got a wig on or things like you know just stupid you know it took a while to come back from that one i'm giving this all up you know but the like i've done the bodybuilding thing and what else i've done i've been the echo quite a few times just for various things

it's like people's full-time jobs they just you could save the fucking world man you could save the world and everything in it and if the echo was doing a thing on it there'd just be hundreds of trolls just giving you an abuse for it. Yeah. The Echo is terrible. Don't read the Echo comments, man.

Oh, if you're commenting on the Liverpool The Star profile's just a troll. Oh my God. They just they just they must hate themselves

that much. Have you heard of the website Tattle? No. Oh. Have I told you about it? Yeah, yeah. Tattle is a website literally for bitching.

And if you say anything positive on it, the moderators delete it. Oh, really? There's threads on that about, like... Is there? There'll be one about you. Any scouser in the limelight, there's a slag-off thing. So the moderators delete nice comments.

Like someone sticking up, like, no, that was all right. Don't worry about that. Ah, fuck off. They'll delete it. They'll delete it. It's literally, it's like the worst of Facebook has been moved onto this horrible bitchy platform where nothing has to be true. It just has to be bitchy, slaggy off stuff.

It sounds like the setup for a sitcom doesn't it we we're doing a sitcom and it's all based in an office and they're like a tech startup company it's called tattle and they're the worst bunch of cunts you've ever seen and that's because that job is good if someone said oh yeah it's a setup for a weird like aggro sitcom but it's actually real my mate reads it and he texted me last week and was like lad don't go on that title but stuff about you there's stuff about you. There's stuff about me. Do you know, I hope she doesn't mind me saying this,

do you know who Steph Johnson is? Scouse Birds. Oh, yeah. So she's a dead good mate of mine. She's done this a couple of times, and she's dead sound. And people just thought something was going on between me and her, and it just never was. But there's apparently a thread on it where they've investigated

mine so we were shagging but now we're not and that's why I've unfollowed her on everything I haven't unfollowed her on anything by the way

we still talk to her all the time but there's this big mass conspiracy where they're like well he's he's stopped liking this hair

but at least they've got this little place they can go yeah oh I won't read it because my head would literally fall off. What did I get?

Well, I got one off of me a straight near, stay in a car park because I, no, what was it? I went to the Toby Carvery and speak and like, he recognised who he was

and he'd come over and he was lovely. The staff and the woman come over and I put her arm around her and she wanted a photo and stuff like that and I shared it

and then I got a message saying that's my auntie that's my auntie don't get your hands on me fucking auntie I'll fucking I'll fucking end you

you fucking divvy I'll end you you divvy see I here's where I would make a mistake oh another one I got these two

in two minutes this was on YouTube what does he call me he says I hate this I hate this fucking divvy he's just an attention seeking money grabber oh you fucking prick

yeah but I don't really get lucky guess yeah I don't even know me no better than that yeah everyone's pretty nice yeah

like the majority of people who follow you and watch your stuff it's always going to be overwhelmingly positive we've spoke about it because about

it's about you're right 99% is the right figure that 1% though the bigger you get the more views you get and that 1% grows with it yeah

and it just feels because you get the odd meh like we've had we've had comments on our on our YouTube which we laugh at.

We've got a WhatsApp group between the lot of us, and we'll screenshot them and be like, this is hilarious, because there'll be one that says, Dan needs to fuck Adam off and get someone else in, get Paul Smith to replace Adam, and then the next comment is like, Dan needs to fuck off, put Carl over there,

and then the other one's like, Carl needs to shut the fuck up, his voice is doing me, I think most of them really like his voice. And we just, we enjoy the fact that people think they've got any right one's like, Carl needs to shut the fuck up, his voice is doing me, I think most of them really like his voice. And we just, we enjoy the fact that people think they've got any right to be like, I like this, but I want some changes. The best is on our Patreon,

which is our paid subscription service. So you have to be into the pod. I got laid by my pregnant wife about a week and a half ago. We came in recorded the next day i was on great form one of our patrons commented on the video going i tell you what dan needs to get laid more because he was actually funny on this episode you're a fucking patron this is a safe space you're fucking wrapped I saw that

it's like you're not and I was like I was like don't comment don't comment don't comment I went away

I was like around the house I was like no I am going comment I was like nice one lad I'd never comment

but I'd just leave them see it's funny I used to comment back all the time to negative stuff and then I got to the point where I'm like

it doesn't benefit anything no it just sets you up what I do now is point where I'm like, it doesn't benefit anything. No, it just sets you up. What I do now is I go either too far straight away, just for my own entertainment, or I go really, really patronisingly nice, and it's quite disarming. So I've had people comment on a video I've put on Twitter or Facebook,

and they've gone, not even funny, just a fat cock eye, couldn't say ace him. Right? So I'll then reply. I'm nodding in agreement. Yeah, yeah. Go on. I see what they're saying. Hurry up.

Lucky guess. And I've gone, look, mate, if you're going out your way to say things about that, about people you don't really know on the internet, you must be really struggling at the minute. So let me know if there's anything

I can do to help you. And good luck getting all the help you need. Oh, did you? And then people will then message you and go, do you know what, lads? I'm really sorry about that. I am having a bit of a tough time at the minute. Do you know, I've deleted my comments.

And fair enough, lads, I don't know you. I actually like some of your stuff. I just didn't like that video. And I'm having a bad day. And it's happened like into double figures now where you go overly nice and it's because they've come like

it's so to be like don't worry about it mate I get it it's not personal you're just having a shit it's been a bad year I don't really know what to do it's really disarming

so try that because it'll really I'm not gonna no I'll just leave it it'll entertain you though if you ever get bored yeah I don't know I'll give you that sense of

we pissed off a load of racists last week as well someone called us black lives matter knee taking puppets and then all of our listeners got a there was a little

I had a little back and forth with them well like black lives getting in touch with you black lives are on the phone again advising what to do oh yeah yes

just let me get me pen yeah ta da oh dear shall we put an advert break in and then we'll come back Yes. Just let me get my pen. Yeah, ta-da. Oh, dear. Shall we put an advert break in, and then we'll come back with some features? Good. Ciao. Jingle balls to the walls, fellas.

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Oasis. I like an Oasis though. It's just expensive Robinsons, isn't it? No, it's Oasis. Spot on thereasis It's just expensive Robinson's isn't it No It's Oasis Alright Spot on there Can't fault you We've got some questions Have we Carlson

Would you rather What do we start with Let's start with some Would you rather Fucking hell This is gone What No go on

Why what No it's fun What what I'm just going Oh this will be fun Oh okay So this is Gotta pick one

No shitting out of these questions Some of them are adorable This is from Matt Landry Matty Matty Landle Would you rather Live the rest of your life In a virtual reality

Where everything is possible Till the day you die And you would not know the difference At the cost of your body So you could be the brain in a jar Wow So you don't know the difference at the cost of your body so you could be the brain in a jaw wow so you don't know the difference you just live you live you live the life that you want to live you can do any option just normal life or thank you john or be in charge of all governments in the world

so the world's military the world's finance and laws could never quit you and you do it till you die. So basically, you can fucking take charge of any country at any time. Well,

that is, well, what's the name again? Matt Landry. Matt's world's on, that's a very good question. I'm going in charge of all the governments,

mate. So you want to either ignore reality and everything's perfect for you or take on the fucking hard job, the valiant thing,

of fixing the world. No, no, no, no. No, you couldn't do that. You could fix the world. I'm going to cause... That's the moral dilemma, isn't it? He's not saying, go in your own virtual reality,

or just, like, kill everyone. I think that's... And the caveat is, your kids take over when you're finished. Oh, so you're like a world emperor. That changes it now. So, like, if you fuck the world up, your kids have gone to fucking're finished. Oh, so you're like a world emperor. That changes it now. So if you fuck the world up, your kids have gone to fucking take over. I wouldn't fuck around.

The YouTube comments there are going to be a fucking nightmare when you get in the Liverpool Echo. I mean, if you're the ruler of the world, you're going to get a lot of fucking online shtick, aren't you? Yeah, but I'm assuming it's like an Illuminati style and no one knows you're the ruler of the world. Oh, you're always with the fourth Illuminati. You're human. I think if you were going to be the ruler of the world you're just in the you're always with the fourth Illuminati you're human

I think if you were going to be the king of the world you are the fucking man you're in control of the government aren't you yeah but you can do

what you want you own the world yeah you're basically Rupert Murdoch I'd get a mansion built on a mountain with a big golden throne

and I'd operate from there and you can do that yeah I'd give every single army nothing but water guns and then start World War 3 do you want me to tell you what I'd operate from there and you can do that yeah I'd give every single army nothing but water guns and then start World War 3 I do you want me to tell you

what I'd choose I'd choose the you'd choose the virtual reality no because that's selfish because as human beings our ultimate goal is survival

and if I go and exist in some virtual reality world and ignorant to what's going on around me I'm just existing and that's not the life I want to fucking live oh my god

but it's it'd be fun though wouldn't it it'd be fun as well because if I'm just existing and that's not the life I want to fucking live oh my god but it'd be fun though wouldn't it it'd be fun as well because if I'm in charge of the world I can create that virtual reality world anyway yeah but it's not that easy

John it's not that easy no I'd choose the second option I'd save the world you're going to be in charge of the government but you're going to save the world yeah yeah

I'm going to do a post this is nah nah I'd be I'd be computing like have a bath with Obama or something

in the virtual reality world. No, in the real world. Yeah, fucking... I can't do that in the real world. What do you mean? You can't if you're the fucking man of the... You can do anything. You're in charge of the government.

You haven't got a remote control Vladimir Putin that you can just tell what to do. No, but you go in, you grab him and go, do this or I'll blow your head off. Dickhead. I'll blow your Mars head off. I'll melt your Mars again but you would

you'd do you'd just get to influence government policy you fucking lunatic no you literally control the fucking

world no you don't that's not what it says well if you own the government it is Dan doesn't like

that we're arguing again no it's not I'm not I'm just I can't I can't believe that it's not

like to try and make things better. You've got control. Surely that's the... Yeah. He's like, right, Putin is having a bath with fucking Obama. Yeah, I'd have the wrong... And I'm going to cause murder.

What the fuck? So what would you do? Get a fucking Kim Jong-un and Donald Trump to have a sit down and a coffee? I'd just try and make things better, you know. Well, fucking old Donny Trump's gone, hasn't he? That's the main thing. So you get Joe Biden with his fucking wife Melania

back to Lithuania. Would you dissolve all the borders? No, because we're all cultures and we're different and we need to keep hold of that. We just don't want to merge it all into one. If evolution takes us that way, sad. But, you know, we're all different. We've got our own communities.

I'll be honest, John, I didn't expect this answer from you yeah no I expected it from May can we have it from Turkey what he's saying is leave means leave

read between the lines Carl we voted to leave it's about time if it's without a deal then so fucking be it fucking hell I'm not a Tory

virtual reality be alright yeah and you don't know you're dead doesn't matter like I know now making the decision that's enough for me

but you don't know when you're you're still you no yeah but Adam in virtual reality you could be you but normal poos

like that could be your virtual reality what was that film that Steven Spielberg done where you got all the E.T. no

Game On or something was it called yeah it'd be like that wouldn't it yeah yeah I don't

I no I don't want to play a game I want to live my life and I want power like it's mental how evil he is

if you just like go under the surface I want fucking power Like, it's mental how evil he is. If you just, like, go under the surface, I want fucking power. Yeah, but I'm not going to let people kill each other. They're all getting water guns, remember? Everything ends in murder-suicide, though. Everything has to end in murder-suicide, obviously. Basically, sorting out VAR for the Premier League,

that's job one. VAR is gone. And then some form of murder-suicide. Do you know what? You could even reduce it just down to that it could be the virtual reality thing or

I get to decide what how VAR is implemented and I'm still taking that one Lord Ro what is your first like

throw out the fucking VAR from outside and piss the leak up off shite do you reckon there's one fella

or one lady who is like this person that runs the world do you reckon this person exists do you reckon it's one fella or one lady who is like this person that runs the world do you reckon this person exists do you reckon it's Rupert Murdoch

you've got your elites no you've got the Rothschilds they all own the banks which funds the war anyway they're not arsed they're probably

the top of the tree but it's the someone who's behind them that's what I'm saying do you reckon it's someone like there's probably a gang of mates

yeah you don't know that there's not so there could be Kenny's coming through now isn't he I think if there was no humanity like that I'm not a conspiracy

theory I understand Dan hates them I love conspiracies I want them to be true because then the world's more interesting I remember years ago

right I loved conspiracy theory it was like lads get on this get on this Bill Gates lads but it's like

I can fucking go on about this, right? And no one's going to listen. And the more I go on about it, people are going to think I'm fucking mad. So, you know, if I know this information, no one's listening to me. So I'll just keep it to myself and I'll live my life accordingly to what I know. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, nothing changes, does it? Nothing changes.

I can't be, I can't, me shouting on Facebook is not going to change anything. Oh, yeah, no, I don't shout about it. I just quietly believe. That's what I'm saying. That's what I do. Who knew there'd be this level of wisdom from the orange couch? Are you telling me you don't want to be in this camper van to fucking Grindelwald or wherever he's gone?

So you still believe some conspiracies, you just don't really let people know about it? I don't believe them all. I don't believe in Pizzagate for one fucking minute. Do you not? No, I don't, no. See I don't believe in Pizzagate for one fucking minute. Do you not? No, I don't. See, I defo do. Why?

Because it's defo. Do you think Oprah eats kids? No. Do you think Obama and fucking 2020's mad, innit? Obama and Hillary Clinton

walk into fucking ping pong pizza in Washington go, can I have a chicken tikka 12 inch, yeah? And then she goes downstairs and there's kids strapped to tables.

Are we allowed to talk about this? Yeah, we are allowed to talk about it. I mean, we're going to get demonetised, but that's fine. We'll be waiting for the views. No, I think, right, I don't think you can... Look at his face. Why? Have I just demonetised someone? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, as in like... We get demonetised every week. We say cunt too much. I don't think that there's just a little pizza gaffe in wherever it's meant to be. I don't believe that, because it'd be a bit bang on if former presidents were just bouncing into a fucking...

Yeah. You know, pizza Italian on fucking Breckenridge. I'm clocked out, by the way. No, I'm not. I'm just in the passenger seat. I've clocked out, by the way. No, I'm not. I'm just in the passenger seat. I've got no doubts. There's sex trafficking. You know, all pedophilia.

You know, that's clearly true. I think Hillary Clinton has drank the blood of a child. There's the YouTube money guy. If it wasn't already there, you just volleyed it into the fucking boat. Have you seen what her name is? Have you seen Celine Dion lately? Because she can't get no Adrelicrom. You can buy Adrelicrom on a lap.

What's Adrelicrom? That's the stuff that you secrete out the kid's kidneys, is it? So you have to excite them first in order to secrete this stuff that just gives you endless life. And what do you think about this then?

Do you believe in Pizzagate? I honestly didn't even know what the fuck Pizzagate was until you started talking about it, and I'm not 100% sure, but I think there's some nasty-ass dominoes in Washington, D.C. What the fuck? Pizzagate, right, is... Yeah, I got the gist.

You know in Clinton's emails? Yeah. She was like, there's emails where she's emailing, like, other powerful people go hold wait for something else though she's like we're gonna have a fucking pepperoni on sunday a large one and what she's saying there is she's that any fat kids yeah that's a fat kid yeah a large pepperoni so it's something we're gonna have a blank and everyone's god they're eating kids yeah exactly you can put anything in there do you know what there's some receipts from kids in email from papa john's

they're just like they're just fatties yeah but like they've cracked the coke because there's other ones where it's like i'll have a diet coke with mine and that means it's like a diabetic little girl. Oh, fuck off! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd really like to fuck a tight Hawaiian. These mums on Facebook, man. Like, this did the islands. Yeah. Stein's Islands. Which is defo real.

Oh, yeah, it is. Got no doubt at all. He brought powerful men together and he used sex. And he used sex. And, you know, these powerful men want to go to this free island on a fucking

private jet and they're getting sex on tap imagine if you didn't know though when you went to the

pizza shop and just asked a fucking large pepperoni and he just gave you that no but like look at Tom Hanks

right Tom Hanks has worked hard he's the worst of them Tom Hanks is not a nonce. Don't laugh.

I'll stand by that. You're not a reckon? Not at all. Not at all. It's always the ones you least suspect. Why is he a nonce? I'll tell you why people think he's a nonce. He weren't even on the flight thing.

No, but it's like people go, do your research. I've done my fucking research and not on indicator it's fucking true., do your research. I've done my fucking research and not on indicator. It's fucking true. On Instagram, he takes pictures of random stuff that he finds in the street, whether it's a glove or whatever. And on one of the pictures, there's this little chalk thing on the floor

and it says like CH411 or something like that. It's a code, yeah? So what you do is if you Google that. CH is for children. Something. 411 is their height. Yeah. Anyway, you fucking people have gone on the internet,

took this code, Googled it, doesn't work on Google. So they've gone on certain codes. Is it something duck or something? Fuckaduck.com. Fuckaduck. Anyway, yeah, it's all bullshit. Tom Hanks is the nonce. No.

Like, look. Right. I'll lose loads of followers now, won't I? Because I'm not a... You know. No. Look, I don't... Thanks followers now, won't I? Because I'm not, you know. No. Look, I don't... Thanks for this, Matt Landry.

Nice one. Nice one. You have poked the crazy bear. I reckon... I read something about Epstein that I think is probably the most likely thing. I think he was a CIA operative. He's an aunt. Yeah, and I think his job was to get powerful

people to fuck kids so he could take compromising photos to blackmail them I think that's what his job was and then he was about to fucking

bring the whole fucking shit down so Hillary Clinton put a fucking bally on went to that prison I mean we all know he didn't kill himself

you agree with that Don? do you think he killed himself? I mean he might have done you know on suicide watch

and the cameras were just off that night yeah could have been topped I went there but it's not eating kids is it it's a big

it's a big jump innit like that is less read the emails lad is lad lad lad

they speak for themselves lad you ate me kid like I get it the the MC thing is obviously a high powered

sex club influential yeah and then he could have been knocked off he was a it's not as

conspiracy like that's surely like conspiracy entry level innit because you're like yeah you could see that

do you not think that people have influence to the level. Do you not think it's a bit mad that there's a global pandemic just as the House of Prince Andrew? Oh, for fuck's sake. Nothing... And no one gives a shit about Prince Andrew.

Queen does. Enough to start a pandemic. Queen does, and she's powerful. Oh, she's dead powerful. Oh, she's such... She's like... What was she in charge of? Fuck all.

I don't think she does care about him either it's her favourite son says who it's all over the fucking internet from fuck my child what

do you research that I ordered a 12 inch meat feast and I got a fucking fat child no no but they say

like they say like something like 800 million kids go missing in America in a year where do they go they don't

they don't where do they you don't know Adam you don't know do you know where they've gone I know where they've gone

yeah I think they say there's 300 million people in America but where are the 800 million children where are those 800 million children? Where are those 0.8 billion children disappearing to?

Can you answer me? No. That's it. They're all in Papa John's in the fucking... They're in the ingredients. Yeah? Are you enjoying your pizza? Mad as fuck. Literally, two of the most talented people in Liverpool

sat a metre and a half from each other going no, laugh, laugh, laugh the fucking the toppings the toppings, they taste like smells like a nursery fucking mental you can't explain it

I hate that reason you can't explain it I hate that reasoning You can't though can you Right after that absolute Diatribe Can we solve someone's problems Yeah we've got to have a word Are we going to have a word Where's the button

It's time to have a word The bad and the damn Tell us all the problems You had with your friends This was gonna be Do you need to read those emails though You should be surprised Now it's just the final 10% Emojis and everything Do you need to read those emails? Oh, you should be surprised.

Emojis and everything. Hello. This is from Danny with an I. Could you have a word with my friend? She has gotten herself tied up with a married man. Oh, here we go. Now, this guy did leave his wife for like a week and even moved in with my friend during that time. It all happened very fast.

They have only known each other two months, but are already saying they love each other. I really want to answer this question. Okay. Do you want to wait till it's done? Let's go. This guy ended up getting cold feet and moved back in with his wife.

Illuminati. Illuminati. My friend then told his wife all about the affair. Oh, shit. She knows that shit. Char. Char. Upset me.

Nasty me. Like a woman fucking stomped. Scorn. Shit hit the fan, but the wife has decided to stay with him. Of course she has. Yeah. Now, I've told my friend that she needs to fuck him off

And move on But he keeps her where Sorry He keeps her where he wants her And she runs to him as soon as she says go So she can't let him go Even though he's back with his missus On the hook

She's dick whipped They're still contacting each other And still fucking occasionally It's getting so annoying Her complaining every day about the situation But not actually willing to get herself out of it. She needs advice. Does it say how old she is?

It doesn't know. Younger than him. She needs help. What do you reckon, John? I know you're eager. It's a very, very complex, very complex situation, and no matter what I say, they're not going to listen to it.

They're going to carry on. Okay. Thanks for listening. Tune in next week where we ignore someone else's email. I don't know. Literally, I want to answer this. So what's your answer, John? It's too complex.

A bit much, that. I could break it down and really give a good answer. Break it down. Break it down. Can I answer this one? Can I answer it? Yeah. No idea, mate.

It's fucking weird. I'd have to know more details. Come on. Let's say... Just pontificate, John. Probably, I want to say, maybe middle-aged. Okay.

So this girl who's having an affair with a man, you know, she sees the full package and all that. Now, her biological clock is ticking and she's desperate. She's got this image of happiness and the happiness of a certain type of man. And her biological clock's ticking. She wants a baby. She sees this man as the answer, but she's got this image of happiness and a happiness of a certain type of man and her biological clock's ticking she wants a baby she sees this man as the answer but he's got a beard and he's convincing her that she's happy you know i love you i love you but he can't leave here because he doesn't want to have to go through the pain he's not much of a man in my

eyes oh he needs to make a fucking decision yeah man he wants his cake and either two doesn't he yeah because he doesn't want to go through the pain of leaving the other one I know but we're not giving advice to him John we're not giving advice to him fuck him

this is going to be an endless loop an endless loop so what do you think the friend should do should she fuck him off she's not going to fuck him off

she's not going to she's going to have to go through a lot of pain and then she's going to realise one day this is the time to go and then how can you

even if he goes do you know what I've left her and now we can start this thing what a fucking weird way this was me seven years ago I went through the same thing

who were you were you the man or were you the one of the women I was one of the women which woman which one the fit one

were you the new lady the husband or the the mistress the mattress I was the husband or the mistress? The mattress? I was the husband, yeah. Fucking hell. That actually happened to me. So you were the... No.

That happened to me. Your wife went somewhere else, come back to you. No, no, no. I was with the baby's mum and we weren't happy. We weren't happy. And I met someone else and left here and I kept going back and I had these two girls

up the fucking wall. Right, okay. Then I ended up with no one. You know what I mean? Was that through your own decision? Yeah. Did you just say fuck both of yours?

I sort of left the two of them out of it, yeah. I just left. Are they together now? They're together now, yeah. You'll go to Washington and eat pizza together. It's just a bad start

to a relationship isn't it being like you've had an affair just start again yeah he's probably got kids but he doesn't want to leave

he's torn I love how you're making this whole fella's life up for him yeah but I see what he's I see what he's saying now like that fella

he doesn't want to be with his wife does he because he wouldn't be fucking about with the lads I think he does want to be with his wife he just also wants to put his dick in something else he doesn't want to go through his wife, does he? Because he would be fucking about with the lads. I think he does want to be with his wife. He just also wants to put his dick in something else. He doesn't want to go through the pain of having to leave

and see with someone else. It's the man in him. It's the man, dude, man. He doesn't want to see his wife with someone else. But a real man would go, if I love you, go and be happy and go and be with someone else. I agree. Yeah.

You can make a mistake, can't you? Like, we've all, everyone in this room has made mistakes like that. But it's when you know you're being a shit and you drag it out and you drag it out. Everyone can fuck up and meet someone and you can fall in love. But to be like, oh, yeah, no, hang on. Oh, yeah, come and live with, I am leaving her. If you're dragging it out, you're being a dirtbag.

And if she's daft enough to not call it like I love him though I know but choose better he might have a massive dick though yeah 8 inch yeah

hey John just right bit of research John right just from the first half just wondering right if you could have your perfect body

you could pick it right so you'd get perfect body forever you've still got your head though right yeah not that it's not perfect you can sort of lose weight in your

face as well if you want but like it's still your face your head right you can't you can't go you're there

you gotta stay relatively John May yeah the bottom is perfect never have to go to the gym again you can eat whatever you want forever including your dick you've got to stay relatively John May yeah the bottom is perfect never have to go to the gym again you can eat whatever you want forever

including your dick if you could pick your dick right you could design it right yeah proper consultation you get a draftsman

come in yeah so you go in you go in you're in Grindelwald right you've got there in your van and there's a little stretcher

she goes oh so Mr May you we're going to sort the penis and there's a little strategy she goes oh so Mr. May you we're going to sort the penis now where's she from she's from Grindelwald

it's a fucking I spent some time there growing up hello I'm from Grindelwald she's travelled like going to sort the penis now okay

so main thing is she's white we can just for everyone watching at home she's white okay we are going to sort your watching at home, she's white.

We are going to such a dick for you. No, she's not. I always say that. I sack your dick for you. We were in Tenerife years ago. I mean, mate got a prostitute called Stella. And she was African. Lucky, lucky woman.

And she was shouting out the window, I sack your dick for you. And it's just funny that you said that So you get that right And it's Michael Lovell from Coronation Can you do that as your next character please My name is Stella My name is Stella So

Bishop We are going to such a dick for you You can have Any dick in the world Any dick you want Any girth. Any length. How would you like helmet to look?

You tell me. I draw it. We put it on. How you want it. Genuinely, what do you think optimum... What are we talking optimum length? We've talked a lot of dick on today's episode. I did just two things, innit?

I'm more of a grower than a shower. I mean, does that come into it? I said that. It's better to be that because you can hide it away when you don't need it yeah but it's your perfect dick so it can be a shower

and a grower so I'm like when it's an act oh god I'd like to be confident or okay so you're in a changing room and I'd like to be confident

to just like how can I describe this just have it out just have it out just have it out and like maybe just you know go like that a little bit

so it catches someone's eye so they look and go it catches their eye like a fucking hit me alright have a cock with confidence yeah

yeah there's nothing more off putting than being a member of a gym and having like a 70 year old man just walking around naked

with his massive fucking geriatric knob out and you're like, you're not even using it. Yeah. This should be a dick exchange. Okay, I'll really shorten this down.

It's like, if I have to get my pants off in front of other men in a changing room or whatever, I probably would give her a pull. Yeah. But it's like, I'd like to probably

have to consider that. You know, not enough. I said what I would want is like a roll of bin bags with an apple on the end. Would you? Bears don't like it. I call my willy the Goldilocks willy,

because it's not too small, it's not too big, it's just right. That's the fucking nonsense way of describing your own dick! And I'll puff, and I'll puff puff And I'll suck myself up Come on that's good It is good It's so good And women go

Oh I know what you mean Yeah Your dick's like porridge Yeah I had a penis reduction When I was a child John Yeah Yeah

When I was nine John Do you want to bang it Because you can This is the bullshit about When Dan Hinton Do you still not believe me about that? I mean, the way the dick reduction story has been retold,

and you've added a layer of rowy bags to it every time, this is how it sits in the listener and the watcher's head, is that you ate and they were like, fucking hell, lad, we're going to have to reduce your dick. It's a fucking nightmare. You've knocked Gareth out in PE. You're playing fucking footy and you swung round reduce your dick. It's a fucking nightmare. You've knocked Gareth out in PE. You're playing fucking footy and you swung round to the left.

You fucking broke his jaw. I'm going to have to take at least four foot off that fucking python. That's literally how it seems. Did you just have a big floppy foreskin? It didn't happen. He didn't get a dick reduction in year nine. You didn't even know me then, so what are you talking about? Oh, God.

He circumcised? No. No, they just took it from the middle. He's got a Frankenstein dick. Big fucking stitches right on the... Oh, God. It's an extender. This one got silly, didn't it? Fun.

Just a little bit. Thanks for coming in thanks for having me traumatised can we come can we come to the live show I'm just scared I talked about

Peter Gates I spoke about fucking what are you scared of the Illuminati or like losing followers bit of both nah I'm not scared

it's fine when I first started doing like podcasts and stuff I was fucking petrified You know Why Because I was scared

Of how I came across Yeah You have to give up On that though Yeah you do Don't you But we've accepted now That you know

One of us will get A big job one day Right We'll be hosting Some shite on channel 4 Or something Please And the thing

That's going to get One of us in trouble Is already on YouTube And that's quite free get one of us in trouble is already on YouTube and that's quite freeing do you know what I mean? we don't know what it is we don't go out to that bit there's just been so much stupid shit we've said

in the name of humour that whatever is going to get us in trouble is already out there so that's quite freeing going forward and also you can't do this and be proud you can't be like well I'm a very serious comedian we know we know we're bellens so we're not afraid to be like ah we're dicks so everyone that listen

goes yeah yeah they're dicks but there are dicks yeah i feel strong about peter gate and i wrote on facebook not long ago like talking about peter gate because i think you know obviously just trafficking there's peter files yeah i agree. But Peter Gates is bullshit. And, like, people went, some fella messaged me and went, oh, you're doing really well for yourself, John. You know, you're probably best to leave. You know what I mean? You don't want to fuck things up for you.

What are you on about? Like, what's the point of me having my own fucking opinion if I can't express it? Exactly. I do think you're wrong, though. I do think it is a thing. I do. I've read the emails and they don't look good. Oh, why? Oh, God.

Oh, God. No, come on. Why? I've read the emails and they don't look good. Oh, why? Oh, God. Oh, God. No, come on. Why are they sending these codes if it's not about that? Because it's not about kids. It's about something else. Well, give me another thing that fits. I don't know. This is what Adam does.

He goes, well, you fucking sold it for me right now. You can't. Well, then it could happen. I've got no doubt. I've got no doubt it's code, but it's not kids. Yeah, well, you can't have any doubt it's code. Is it Hillary Clinton's not emailing the fucking Desmond Tutu going, do you want to come round to ours for a fucking large pepperoni?

Why not? Because she isn't. Unless she's running these massive pizza parties where it's literally just pizza. There's thousands of emails. Why can't it be drugs? Well, put that one to bed. It was fucking a lemo.

No, but like... No. There's too many variants for it to be drugs. Yeah. Yeah. Do you want to talk about your live show, John? Before we... It's sold out, isn't it?

Is it done? Is it Romeo done? It's gone, yeah. Are you going to put another date on? Might do. See how we get on with these first. Fucking hell. So this is your foray into stand-up,

or are you doing your characters? Yeah. Okay, and are they doing stand-up? Something like that, yeah. No, yeah, they are, yeah. They're four or five characters, but in between each character, there's going to be a sketch

of what's going on in the back type of thing. Oh, sick. Nice. That's the idea. Because it is me on my own. Okay. So we need to sort and make it a bit. Yeah.

You're going to have to sort me a comment for that. We'll sort something out. We'll sort that out. Sold out. Good luck, mate. Thank you. The John Mayway on YouTube, John May Actor on Instagram, and Sweep the Actor on Twitter.

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Bye. This is the public episode. This is the last one. Oh, shit, is it? Bye. Fuck Christmas. That's Illuminati shit. Oh, and there's still loads of merch.

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Have a good one. See ya. Bye, Felicia. Bye, Felicia.