Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - BONUS EPISODE - Jamali Maddix w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: November 27, 2020

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Really appreciate it. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally? You merely adopted the dark. I was born in it, molded by it. Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? When she pick it up every time she starts to talk, molded by it. Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? When she pick it up every time she starts to talk, give her the dick.

The stuff's dying. She'll be like, hello. What I'm doing? This is when you get it. What I'm doing? Oh, none. Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios, hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England,

these are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube. Ja! Upset me! Don't be a rat. Download, subscribe and tell a friend. It's the one and only. Have a word. So you were saying you hate Runcorn and you want to move the studio to somewhere more palatable. Hey!

Hey, Runcorn! Wasn't saying that. Just saying it looks like your town planner had a stroke mid-town plan. It looks like he's going, and I put a railway station there, and then just fucking went everywhere. Midtown Planner had a stroke midtown plan. It looks like he's going, and I put a railway station there, and then just fucking went everywhere.

It's mental. If it does feel like the place Liverpool has sent all its unwanted people, to me. Right. Like I've said this before, the least attractive people in the world live in Bramcorn. It's a weird town, town man it's honestly a weird and there's some nice houses

but I know they're mega cheap you know that type of vibe when you look at a house you go that's a nice house I bet that's worth nothing yeah you must look at Roncorn and be like

listen what am I going to do am I going to do two bed flat in North London or am I going to do this fucking hospital that I could just buy and live in

like a King? Yeah. Yeah. You're the King of sound at that point. Whenever I tell, whenever I tell a comic in London, what I pay. So I live on my own in a three bedroom house in Liverpool and I pay less than

most comics play for the fucking cupboard in a house shit. It's crazy. But then it's the same thing of like, you know, like Liverpool ain't bad. I'm not shitting on Liverpool by any stretch of imagination, but it's not London, isn't it? Yeah. And I think that's the fact. I'd rather live in Liverpool, me though.

Yeah, that's because, you know, even though we, yeah. Of course, with that accent though. With me though. Like, you know, that's obviously a voice of a guy who wants to live In Liverpool No I like up north

I think I lived in Manchester And that like I get it Yeah It's a nice It's a nice town I'd live here again But you know For what you're paying

In London It isn't I'm And I'm born and raised In London I'm starting to think It's not worth it Yeah

Where's your option then Not If it's not Runcorn Where would we I'm not going to do London anymore What are you going to do Manchester Yeah Yeah Or I just go somewhere wild and shit just go switzerland fuck it

yeah yeah let's go oh amsterdam i think back in amsterdam once when i was like about 24 i thought about going to amsterdam but i realized for me to pay rent i would have to fly back to england five days a week. There are comics that do that, not from Amsterdam. Ian Moore lives in Paris, don't he? I think you might miss a few flights if you live in Amsterdam. Like, I've got a weekend in Edinburgh, but I fucking missed it by six days.

Damn you, Amsterdam, with your local produce. Ian Moore lives in Paris, don't he? And he commutes back and forth. He doesn't live in Paris. He lives in like a farmland in paris in paris in france like he lives out there it's not even like he lives in metropolitan i can imagine you living in amsterdam you love amsterdam you love the comedy club there don't you yeah yeah yeah but then but i can only play there maybe once or twice a year yeah and that doesn't pay like that wouldn't even pay my rent. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not like, oh, I do a gig there and it's 40 grand. Like, it's, you know, it's just club money. Yeah, and if you think industry don't come to Liverpool and Runcorn, they're probably not coming to Amsterdam. Yeah. I don't know, but up north, I think Manchester's the only one. I couldn't live in Birmingham. No, Manchester's good for you, like, under normal circumstances for UK comedians because it's actually right in the middle of the whole country.

If you include Scotland as the country, which we shouldn't because they're independent. Not yet. It's coming, though. It's right. It's so easy to get to everywhere. Everywhere's like two hours away, isn't it? Well, I lived in Manchester for 10 years,

and it was handy as fuck. I only pussied out just because I got old and wanted to be like, oh, I want to go out then. But it is, it is. And you've now moved to one of the only cities

in the UK that doesn't have a comedy club. Well, yeah, that's true. But I'm 40 minutes away from every gig in the Northwest, aren't you?

That's the thing. If you live in the Northwest, really, like London is so sprawling and so difficult to get round. Apart from like like obviously there's the underground everything but if you lived in Runcorn you're as handy for Liverpool Manchester

all of the gigs in the northwest as you would be living in any part of London getting to gigs in London it's like that's the trade-off isn't it as long as you've got a fucking car yeah you can get all around the northwest really easy it's quality of life though isn't it because you could get a bedroom house it's like you're you know just to get to gigs in the northwest oh yeah i could get to a gig in chester fuck get into a gig you want to live in london with all this culture i can make warrington in 23 minutes come on jamali think about it that is 20 minute gig and I don't really want

a gig in Warrington anyway if you move to Manchester you fucking will my friend you'll be like Warrington you'll be doing all of the shit Northwest comedy like who's drinking

when I lived in Manchester I couldn't get any work in the Northwest did you start in Manchester no I started in London but I moved to Manchester because I heard there was all this gig

in the Northwest and nobody wanted to book me so I kept having to get the train back from London so you were commuting to London yeah yeah yeah to get London games

to do weekend spots at Comedy Caf what why weren't you getting work I loved the Caf you know did you do the Comedy Caf never done the Comedy Caf no he was crazy man

yeah he's a legend he's like an Irish guy I've mentioned him on the podcast but on the very first Steph episode So right now we're talking about Noel I can smell his breath

Do you know what I mean? He had a very distinctive He had a bit of a click He'd done too many drugs And he was just a bit Dead sound Born like that Was he?

What's it called? What's the thing with Tourette's Was he really? I thought it was a drug thing No no no It's Tourette's I Was he really? Yeah, Tourette's. I thought it was a drug thing. No, no, no, it's Tourette's, Tourette's. I bet he did do a lot of drugs.

He done like, because he didn't, I don't want to speak his thing, but I think it's out there. He used to do like, he got kicked out of America or some shit for, he was doing drug running or some shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like a boat guy. That's not a good thing to,

when you've got Tourette's, you don't think drug running. You know when you've got like nine kilos of cocaine in the back of a car be like fuck fuck shit like he was a good dude man I remember he said he was a mad guy I remember one time I he booked me for weekends and I didn't have 20 minutes and I said to him I've only got 40 minutes where he goes well you better sort it out you're on next and I came get your pad out quick next. And I came back the next week. Get your pad out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Quick six minutes. And I came back the next week, and I was like, you know what?

I think I've got a 20 now. He goes, good, you're closing. They made me close gigs. Oh, my God. I love shit like that, though. Like, I was, like, he booked me. So I'd emailed, like, everyone. I was trying to get London gigs

without ever doing the open mic circuit in London. And I had a couple. I got in Top Secret quite early. I got really lucky with how I got in there. But I emailed them and was like, and I sent this full, when you start out, you send this full fucking life story email.

I started here. I won the flying pig competition. And I can wear shoes really well. And I know places and colors. It's really like, I got to the clap off of Barry Chuckle Hudson's gong show last week and his massive life story

and he replied and said I like people from Liverpool Scousers are funny yeah you're in and he put me in for a weekend

just because I was Scouse yeah and he would do stuff I remember one time I was there and someone was talking about

shitting on stage and he goes ah he goes you'll never work my club again and I go why

he goes because he's talking about shitting you don't talk about shitting in my club Andy's wearing blue again. I go, why? He goes, because he's talking about shit. And you don't talk about shit in my club.

Andy's wearing blue jeans. And I go, I'm wearing blue jeans. And he goes, yeah, but it's different. So that was his logic. And that was it. It's so funny when you don't like someone's comedy or them, how you just find reasons to be pissed off with them. But as soon as you like someone, you're like, yeah,

he just pooed on the stage. But that closing bit is fucking great one of the few like we've talked a lot about comedy on the 90 odd episodes we've done of this we haven't really delved

into the world of fucking crazy promoters because there's so many promoters who are just a bit Noel's one of them one of my favourite clubs which is the one I see

you at the most now is Top Secret Comedy Club in London which you've mentioned Mark's amazing but he's fucking mental. Who runs it? Mark Rothman is his name, and he compares it. He does the bar. Always

the first sign of the mental promoter, isn't it? Like, I don't need a compare. I'll compare you. Like, okay. He started the club to get gigs, because no one was booking him, and it's now grown into one of the best comedy clubs in the fucking world. He does the bar to get gigs because no one was booking him. And it's now grown into one of the best comedy clubs in the fucking world.

He does the bar. He shoos the smokers away from his door. He does the sound. He does the voice. He does everything. Mark's like... He builds shit in there as well. Like, he built the toilets.

Yeah. Shit like that, yeah. He's... You know, like, Binti at Hot Water? Yeah. It's like if Binti compared and did the bar... He's like Bugs Bunny. He's everywhere

you know that like he's just all like you look everywhere he's on the bar and he wears a hat at the bar he wears you know i'm saying it's like a different character but i got into top secret when it was in the africa center which was its first venue what there's a place in london in covent garden called the africa center and they had a room in there's a place in London in Covent Garden called the Africa Centre and they had a room in there what a random place to start I was in London

to do a tryout at Sway for Jonglers right and I just walked past Top Secret and I was like I'll just pop my head in

say that I'm a comic I was only like two years in I was like I'll just say I'm a comic and just wondering how to get spots so I popped my head in

and went to hey mate you alright I'm Adam I'm a comedian. He was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Move out the way. And I was like, what? And he goes, I've got customers, just get in. So I was like, right.

And then he cleared the queue. And I went, yeah, so nice to meet you. My name's Adam, I'm a comedian. He went, yeah, yeah, yeah. So have I booked you? And I went, no. And he went, oh, so why are you here? And so I was just coming to introduce myself,

and I'm doing Jonglers tonight around the corner. And he went, oh, you're doing Jonglers? Oh, do you want to get on? And I went, yeah, go on then. So before I went and did Jonglers, I just accidentally did this gig at Top Secret. And then I had a really good gig, and he'd come over and he went, send us your dates.

What have you got? And he got his laptop out and he's like yeah so when do you want to come back and I was like in three weeks and he was like yeah yeah yeah

by the way if you're a young comic trying to make your way in the game that's not usually how it goes don't be like oh that's what

I've been doing wrong I've been emailing people what I'll do is just turn up be like hi hi comedy store can I get on

yeah it's just mad I love that story. And I love the fact, you want a gig for gigs like the Glee, which is very professional. The store, very professionally run. But you love the nutcases. The nutcases make it exciting.

That guy, yeah, he obviously sounds a bit mental, but he's got one of the most successful clubs in the country. And that shit's adorable, isn't it? And his stairway, if you go down the stairs to get into the Sub-secret now it's just every photo on the wall is like a huge celebrity that's played it so like jamali's on the wall there's like it gets better from there

it gets better from there don't worry it's a better list than that. There's John Bishop, Chow, Jack Whitehall, Amy Schumer, Eliza Schell Singer, Michelle Wolfe. Like, they've had everyone drop in. And occasionally, like,

I've turned up there before to close and gone, who's being on? And they've gone, oh, Paul Chow, Jack Whitehall's just in the middle. Have a good gig.

Okay. But one night, so this is, he just, if someone's in town from America, he wants them on the wall. So do you know who TJ Miller is? He's,

have you seen Deadpool? Yeah. You know the bartender? Yeah. So that's TJ Miller. He's a stand-up. Yeah. So he goes to me,

I'm due to close and he goes, TJ Miller wants to come down. He's Jack White's old mate. So he's put him in touch and he's going to go on after you've closed. We're just going to say, oh, we've got a special guest.

So just do 10 minutes and wrap up and then we'll get TJ because he'll be here in a minute. So just get you on, you do 10 we're just going to say oh we've got a special guest so just do 10 minutes and wrap up and then we'll get TJ because he'll be here in a minute so just get you on you do 10 and then TJ

so I go on stage and I get 10 minutes in and I go right guys that's just my time and from the back he goes no he's not coming I just had to carry on

take the mic back out I was like oh he's not coming they were like who was it I was like I can't tell you that now were people were people excited that you were staying longer or were they just sort of ambivalent about it I think there was like, oh, he's not coming. They were like, who was it? I was like, I can't tell you that now. Were people excited that you were staying longer or were they just sort of ambivalent about it?

I think they were sort of like, oh, we enjoyed you, mate, but we were done. I remember I was in Switzerland, right? And I was with Elliot still. And he opened, he done well. And I went on, I'm into an hour and I've got, I've died on my arse it's just horrible

how many minutes in have you called I done maybe 35 oh that's a valiant death and I said you know what let's just wrap this up

you know they ain't liking it I come off stage and the promoter's like you know what you ran a little bit under time I'll bring you back on right

so he goes on stage he goes on stage and he goes you know what something happened with jamali's watch but he's gonna do a little bit more time for you guys everyone's like what and they had to go back on and do another 25 minutes of to death why did he want that though fuck no because he's like there's an old school thing of time is very important it's not matter what the show is as long as you do your time yeah i think they think you're shortchanging their money if i don't do a time yeah non-comedy people think like that

corporate gigs think like that well we've got this money it's a lot of money why not do 50 minutes to our bunch of cunts at this company like that's the worst they don't even want any comedy equate uh quality yeah it's you know it's what the show is I mean you could do it like I think sometimes having this a good 10 minutes is better than having a mediocre hour oh totally you know

watching it you know Bobby Mayer so Bobby he won't mind me saying this and I'll text him if and double check but he told me so

he got a bit of telly a few years ago I love Bobby he's a fucking proper comic you know I did Antique Roadshow with Bobby Mayer

did you not know about that if I'd have been asked to guess what was coming out of Jamali's face did you know about that shit bro that was so

fucking funny was it like celebrity or was this just no no no it wasn't just me and Bobby Mayer you were just applying

I got booked for it they asked me do I want to do it and my agent was like you know this came up but you know he was telling me more it's like isn't this funny I got booked for it They asked me Do I want to do it And my agent was like You know This came up But you know And he was telling me more

It's like isn't this funny And I was like Okay And they said I can pick Who I want to be with And I said Well I have to do it With Bobby Mayer innit

Oh yeah Because watch the world burn Yeah yeah I thought I have to But I know Jamali do you think Your future audience Buying like

Ticket buying audience Are from Fantix I love agents like jamal this is perfect for you what is it songs of praise yeah he wasn't even like he was like look i know you don't want to do this but it's just he was telling me more like isn't this funny that they asked you to do it yeah i think because he goes i know you won't do it and i was like i'll only do it if i can do it with bobby may and they said yeah and probably been bobby May nearly made my expert cry. So hang on, Antiques Roadshow or Bargain Hunt?

Because Antiques Roadshow is stuff you've found in your house. Oh, yeah, it's not Bargain Hunt. Is Bargain Hunt the one where you have to go round and find stuff? It was not from a car boot sale. We had to do it from antique shops. Oh. Oh. You know what I'm talking about. Under the Hammer.

No, what's it called? Oh, there's's gonna be people going road show something road show celebrity antiques road celebrity antiques road trip celebrity antiques road trip oh there we go yeah and i did it so it's basically like the same it's they're all the same premise isn't it yeah yeah uh but antiques road show is the most stuffy yeah i've honestly when you said antique shows i was like what it's like i've got a vase i think it might be worth 150 pounds like oh i'll just in my head I was like, what? It's like, I got a vase. I think it might be worth 150 pounds. Like, oh, I'll just, in my head I was like,

how are you turning up? Like, right, bruv. Yeah. I came with a knife and a bong. Yeah. I've got this North face jacket. I can't be honest, putting it on eBay. I've got these Supreme crepes.

What do you say? I've got these Supreme crepes. No, but yeah, so we did it and Bobby was, oh, Bobby was so funny And Bobby kept on calling My expert Radio 4 And kept on taking the piss

At Radio 4 And it was And she What can she What can she say to him He's just mad isn't it And my expert Kept on getting mad at me

Because she would say Oh for the TV show Don't you want to buy This lovely Rhodesian Vase And I was like Yeah I just want to buy

This knife And I was like I want to buy this and i bought a robocop toy that actually made money surprisingly and everyone was like this is not going to make money and i was like yeah i will spend 50 pounds it weighed like 100 and then the other thing i bought she had this lovely chair and she was like oh don't you want this lovely chair and i was like now i want that and it was a clothes it was a coat hanger that was made from rowan oars and it was fucking horrific and she was like are you you want a bat and i said yep what do you buy that for oh i spent like 150 quid on how much did it sell for i think it sold for like 125 oh that's not bad like i didn't do too bad because the things i bought were so

out there that either people really wanted it or they hated it jam's in it was like a really weird profit you made was that going to charity i think so but you just didn't give no what are they getting comedians on fucking antiques like what are they doing i think you should buy this i think you should know more about comedians and it's just like it was just a real weird booking choice and there's and even like the people who were doing the show like the producers they were just like you could tell they were kind of just like why why is he here like you could tell them just like i do feel like you are as far away as possible as who the target of the Antiques Roadshow is.

But maybe that's what it is. Maybe they were like, we've got all the old Brexit vote and white women. Yeah, so they want a different market. Now we need

some young black men to watch it. Yeah, it's where diversity really bites in the ass. Yeah, I'm bringing them over. No, I think what happened was is that they were like, you know,

someone said in a meeting, we need to make it young. We need to, who's the young guy? Jamali, he wears baseball caps. That's him. And then, you know, you know, yeah, I don't know what it was. I think it was a, I think it was just someone in the meeting went, we just need a thing. And it went too far.

And then they probably asked me to be like, oh, we don't really want to do this, but let's just ask him. He would say no. And they didn't go like, I didn't go, all right, Bobby Mayer. Imagine if it fucked up all your tour shows for like a good year. Every time you were like, what's happening in Manchester? Like, oh, hello.

We saw you on Antiques Roadshow. Well, that happened a little bit to Paul Sinner, didn't it? Because Paul Sinner is quite sort of, he's quite rough on stage and he's you know he's a lot of gay jokes a lot of gay jokes a lot of dick jokes a lot of asian jokes about his parents and stuff and then there's these old women who just i've seen him on the quiz show on tv one at five o'clock and i love him and then he's like yeah i love fucking men

and it's just see these old women i saw him in i was with him in Middlesbrough Doing a Peter Vincent's gig You know that massive Yeah And When I say like They didn't even buy tickets You know like those people

That are like celebrity hunters And they wait by the back door Yeah There was about six old women With photos of Paul Sinner That he didn't even know he took Oh okay Waiting there

And like And they were like One woman went Oh my god Oh Like going blushing red Because she saw Paul Sinner Like really like and they were like one woman oh my god like going blushing red because she saw paul sooner like really like but they don't laugh they don't laugh they got so i've done a gig with paul it was when he just got on the chase within a year or two of him being he's

been on it for five ten years it's been a while yeah front row because they're there first because they're diehards but they're not diehard of his comedy they're diehard he's one of the chase guys and they don't get any of it they don't even get Paul's bit they fucking

didn't get my bit they're just like sat there going you're not Paul you're not Paul you're not Paul and then he gets on and does a few blowjobs

Bradley Ross looks really different in real life if I get any bigger I'm the beast mate have any convinced some wiggy ways they're just the worst people in an audience i think you know you can get to a point i'm not saying paul but you know you can get to a point where people don't even realize you do stand up anymore like they just think that you're going to do a live thing of what you're known for

i'm saying though like they probably don't think he's probably even doing stand up they think he's going to do a live chase did you get anything like that Do you know what I'm saying though? Like they probably don't think he's probably even doing standup. They think he's going to do a live chase. Did you get anything like that when you were doing, did you get that sort of vibe? Cause you, one of your catalysts was your Vice documentary,

wasn't it? Yeah. I did stand up in the doc, but I kind of got away with it, but they thought I was way more woke than I was. Yeah. I got that a bit.

Yeah. You know, people thought I was going to just talk about isn't racism bad for an hour yeah and it's that's not my act no sorry if anything that sounded like you were just going but racism's all right in it i mean yeah i had these good points no um well i made a career off it for two years but uh gone six road show yeah but you know i mean you know but yeah no i had a lot of people thinking i was gonna be be mad woke. I think because people also came from clips and not seen the show.

Yeah. Yeah. Cause in the show, the standup, I met, I wanted to make the standup out there to show that comedy can still be out there and not be, you know,

put in a catalyst of racist. And yeah, just cause you're saying bad things. It doesn't make you a bad person. That's literally our whole MO on this. Yeah. That's important point. Not to make it like a, you know, too altruistic, doesn't make you a bad person oh my god that's literally our whole mo on this yeah that's an important point not to make it like uh you know too altruistic but i think we've sort of taken away saying bad things from good people and giving it just to bad people yeah i think you know we

sort of there is there is you know shock and and being uh too and being extreme with your words has um some artistic value. Do you know what I'm saying though? And I think we sort of gave that away and we sort of make out that if you say something bad and it's not funny and it's not... We talk about this quite a lot. Because I've been called a right-wing comedian before

because on stage I'll say something that I don't really believe in just because it's funny. And then I'm like... That's a valid comedy position to have, I'll say something that I don't really believe in just because it's funny. And then I'm like, I'm all about social. That's a valid comedy position to have is to say something that you know, I don't believe in. Yeah. But it's funny to say.

Yeah. That is valid. It's getting to the point where you can't, we talk and joke about race. And I've had a couple of people message me going, I don't think they're your jokes to make. I don't think you should be talking about it because you, you two white guys, you're like, I don't think. I mean jokes to make i don't think you should be talking about it because you you're two white guys you're like i don't think i mean you are cutting into my work yeah

i want that fucking road show money yeah you want that road show money have a word on the antiques road show tour though oh my god insane yeah that'd be the end of one of the shows but but the the snapback is now from all the comics or anyone with a brain going, we can make these jokes. You can be controversial. You can take the piss. We know you're on the knife edge

of what's politically correct and what's just plain wrong, but that's a comedian's job. And now it looks almost like alt-right even to defend your position of, I'm a comedian i'm allowed to take the piss out of certain things to get upset about it and i used to be like well i'm a comedian i want to say what i want to say but i something happened it doesn't matter what

happened but something happened where someone complained about something i said uh on a big forum and i got sort of pissed off about it but then i realized that that's their job like some people's job is to be upset and to be offended like that's their job like some people's job is to be upset and to be offended like that's their job my job is to tell pussy jokes and be ignorant that's my job that's my job my job is to be ignorant in the hope that is truthful jamali welcome but you know welcome home let's talk about disabilities but not like but do you know i'm saying though right but that's like their job is to be like well well, I don't, that's their job. Let them do their job. Do you know what I'm saying?

Because I'm not going to stop doing my job. Exactly. Isn't that the beauty of the internet though? The beauty of the internet is they have to come and find you to bitch and moan. Like on the BBC, on any terrestrial TV,

you're like, well, I just turned my television on and you're in my living room and they almost have this right. Up until now, they had this right to go, I want to shut this down. This't allowed government-funded tv now you have to come and find us to that's like bitch and moan just fuck off go to go to one of the other million places on the internet where someone says the boring shit that you like we've had this conversation

like if someone complains about something in the middle of this podcast it'd be slightly different if we put a clip out because we put quite a lot of clips out of this and like there was something in it

where someone was like I didn't like that and I'd go oh sorry about that yeah soz not for everyone not for everyone but if anyone

watched a full episode of this and picked something from the middle and was like I didn't like this I can't tell you the speed and anger with which I would like this i can't tell you the speed and

anger with which i would tell them to go fuck themselves it's like it's like it's like the difference between playing a circuit gig on a weekend where you get a party people going i didn't like that and you're like yeah you haven't booked to see me but when it's like a do you find that you when you're doing a one-man show like you guys do more than me but is there a different tone in the audience like they're like we know you they know what they come for at that point especially now i think i've done my third one and so the people that came back kind of knew what they were coming for but um yeah i think i think that's the that's the good thing about touring is you can just do what you want because people have paid to see you specifically so even if they don't go over it at

first they will eventually and you have an hour where clubs it's just kind of he's got to go and bang it out yeah and um and the the the further line of that is why i brought bobby may up in the first place is oh yeah sorry we've done a right all around the fucking house it happens and it was fucking great um when you get a bit of TV, you get more corporate inquiries. So Bobby was getting corporate gigs. But Bobby's not a corporate comic. But he's also living in Brixton. And you need to be earning a lot of money.

So he was taking them. And he said it would never go well. And he would go on stage. And he'd be like 12 minutes into a 40. And people would be hating and booing. And he would literally do the little lost girl voice and be like, guys, I'm really sorry, but I've got to do me 40 or I won't get paid.

And he said every single time he did it, the woman organising it would always just come to the side and be like, come on, love, we'll just pay you. And it worked every fucking time. What voice? Like the little lost girl voice I'm really sorry I've lost my mum

I think imagine Bobby Mare with a big doe eye at this point pause this pod go on YouTube some of Bobby Mare stand ups

just so you get how fucking ridiculous it is to put him in a fucking accountant it's our Christmas do come and play it Bobby

Bobby Mare has an ability to remain him at all times accountant it's our christmas do come and play it bobby bobby may has an ability to remain him at all times you know i'm saying though like he don't change do you know i'm saying so what what he his act is his act and he's not gonna go up there and go oh fuck this bit ain't working let me nah you're getting this act that he fucking does he will i saw him do this one bit where it was about why do we tell blind people they're blind and it was like a 10 minute bit and people and it's a funny bit but people were just like and it was just like he goes he goes my eyes you mean my eye wet my finger wetness people were fucking furious and i couldn't stop and he just didn't stop and he's like this is the bit we're doing it and there's no there was

if you ever want to know the Edinburgh Festival is like it's for people finding those guys isn't it you know those ones are like oh you can play any room you want to go and watch those

like comics want to go and watch guys like Bobby Man who comics comic Bobby 100% I um yeah I've got nine four but I I've only done

two corporates and they're both fucking I wasn't meant to be there who four I did one four this is early in my career and it's you know it's sellout shit I've only done two corporates and they're both fucking, I wasn't meant to be there. Who for? I did one for, this is early in my career and it's, you know, it's sellout shit,

but I did one for the, you know, those money lenders. I did one for the money lenders. Payday loads. Yeah. The awards. Who's the biggest cunt?

This is the big one. I did the, I did my standup bit and they hated me. There was like two tables that liked me of young people and the rest of them hated me. There was this one guy who was just absolutely sweating and with his shirt undone. And every time he spoke, he came and got his wood.

I was like, well, this speech was sponsored by cocaine. And he just started grabbing the mic. We ain't thanking no one. And I said to the promoter, I said, listen, when this hits 10 o'clock, I'm gone. He goes, it might run over five minutes. I'm like, well, you better wrap up the show because I'm doing 10 and I'm going.

Like, it was fucking bad, man. I did five. Oh, that sounds brutal. It sounds awful. Do you remember a few years ago when Steve Harris is a Northwest comic, a stalwart of our Northwest circuit? Do you know Steve?

You work with Steve. So he set up a little business getting private gigs did you do any of them I know exactly what you mean and it became famous with comics because it was

cash pickup yeah corporate cash pickup there's two things you should never hear in the same sentence corporate

cash on the night how's he got three grand no it's not three grand it's 220 quid so he'd he'd he'd set grand? No, it's not three grand. It's 220 quid. So he'd set this business up, and it's not there anymore. And he... It didn't survive. He'd made this website, right?

But he'd built a website in a way where... With, like, wicks. No, it was what's called, like, a spider web website. So what you do is you give it like a million pages. So if people say it's comedy, I want comedy. Because it had so many pages, it would link to that site. But it's illegal to do it that way. It's tricking the Google algorithm.

So I think it got kicked off Google, right? And then you're done. And that killed the business. How did you get kicked off Google? Because Google go, well, they don't kick you off, but they go, we're going to put you on the 25th page. It's like people file websites. You probably get on Google, but they'll kick him off.

Fuck me. Yeah, but they don't build a spider web website. Yeah, that's true. They stick to the rules somehow. They do it the traditional way. They've got a square space. I'll touch kids, but I won't fuck with algorithms. Who says they ain't got morals?

Oh, my God. So they push them onto, like like page 25 of Google or whatever. But initially he was getting all these inquiries. So people were getting in touch going, do you know what X Christmas do? I want a comedian to do 20 minutes. And he was going, right, I'll get you one for 400 quid. I'll get you one for 300 quid.

So he's asked me, it was a Tuesday night in December and it was 400 quid to do 20 minutes for this works party in Yorkorkshire that sounds that doesn't sound too bad so far right so i was like four ton cash on the night all good i'll take that this is about five years ago right so i get there and it's a shit show oh they're all hammered already they haven't started eating yet what any mic a radio mic but they went um so just we just want you to just be in the room while you do it i was like where's the stage they're like in the room as opposed to you know be here in it walk around literally walk around while you're doing your

like one of the waiters yeah it's like one of those 1930s Just like Hey how you doing Hey Let me do the mood Try the fish Yeah yeah yeah Like a table magician They wanted a table comedian Come on hang on Hey guys how you doing Nods

Nods It was a nod So I went Right so when am I on They went after the awards I went I'm not hosting the awards Am I

They went No no no I was like I'm not fucking doing that For this movie So at what time Will I be on Because I've got another gig Back in Liverpool What time is your other gig And it didn't exist I was like I'm not fucking doing that for this movie so I went what time will I be on because I've got another gig

back in Liverpool what time is your other gig and it didn't exist I was like it's at midnight it's a nightclub gig it's a famous late night midnight Tuesday

but I was just looking at the stream going the longer this goes on so she went so what time do you need to leave I was like half ten I've got to be in the car by half ten because my stage time? I was like, half ten. I've got to be in the car by half ten.

Because my stage time initially booked was like 9.30. I got there at 9.15 and it was like, I'm not going on in 15 minutes. So it gets to 10 o'clock and I was meant to do half an hour. I was like, look, you're going to have to put me on now or I'm going to have to cut my time down. I've got to be in the car by half ten. She was like, yeah, yeah, we'll do it. It's fine.

Got to 25 past ten. And she went, right, we're going to get you on now because you need to go, don't you? She's hammered the woman on. You need to go. You need to go. I could see the woman's face.

So, no, no, listen. We've got a comedian. They didn't even know. No, shut up.

Just shut up. His name's Adam. He's come from Liverpool and he's doing some jokes for us. So, go on Adam and that was it so I've got them I'm stood next to her

I didn't know I'd gone over to her to go I've got to go in and she'd go you need to go everyone go on comedian

his name's Adam he's come from Liverpool go on babe right and I went thank you right

so my mate I didn't drive at the time Tony Cooper took me. You know Tony, who I used to work with? Yeah, yeah. And he's like, you know when your mate's embarrassed for you? Oh, yeah. He's like, oh, what the fuck?

So I'm doing me five minutes. And I got to five minutes in. And it hadn't gone as bad as it should have for that room. Because there's people walking around. The bar's not even still open. There's people queuing at the bar, like for eager bombs there's about 20 percent of the room looking at me but the ones looking yeah and i just got to five minutes and i went ladies gentlemen that's all i've got time for tonight enjoy the rest of your night and i i went i give

her the mic and she went when are you doing the rest of it and i went what you mean the rest of it she went you half an hour We paid for half an hour? And I went, yeah, but I told you I've got to go a half ten. I was meant to be on a half nine. She went, so we just don't get the other 20-odd minutes? This is a, you're a thief. You're a fucking thief. And I went, I haven't stolen anything.

And she went, I want my money back, because I'd made her give me the money before. Oh, yeah, yeah,'t stolen anything she went I want me money back because I'd made her give me the money before I went off she went I want me money back and I went you're not getting

your money back and she went he's taking my money and I went guys I'm not taking any money I've been paid for this job and then

her boss come over and was like just fucking let him go go on lads you get off and I got off but she was fuming and then

they did write a complaint To Steve Asking for their money back And he just told them To fuck off That makes Antiques Rocho Look a lot easier Doesn't it

Yes Rojo Bro that's hilarious Oh my god Come on mate He's a comedian When she doesn't even say For some reason Where she didn't say

Adam Ro She goes just Adam It makes you sound like A guy who just Walks off the street like there's a real lack of just like oh just some little

kid called Adam I don't even think it was disrespected I don't think she'd ever learned me saying anything the other one is where they've

got have you ever done a round table one where they do too much intro and you would give half the fee to prize the

microphone out of the speaker I had one in Shropshire, the Chartered Surveyors or something, round table, it was great money. And he was in a full like, you know, like a,

hear ye, hear ye. It was mental, red, like a town crier outfit. Ruffle shirt and shit. Fuck it, like the mayor's thing. I was like, what is going on? And he started reading out the blurb from my website on my biography that i'd written and it was one of the cringest i can just

see suits suits suits and like you can see future hatred come in and he's literally like out of the 17th century like hey hey with cutting observations one of the 17th century like hear ye hear ye with cutting observations one of the brightest stars on the northwest comedy circuit and I was like he works well

on his own and as part of a team he performed the Edinburgh Festival in 2012 and 13 I don't know given anyone

if he'd just gone go on babe I'd have been like much better oh mate the shit we do for money man fucking birthday gigs and shit anything essentially have you done birthday gigs i've done one birthday gig all on the way up in it all on the way up and it was for 150 quid and it was in this sort of um above a pub. And the guy said to me, you know, we're going to have some curry. And you come on after the curry. But the curry was like, and he was like, but this curry is good curry. It's like this award.

He kept on going on about this fucking curry. And I was like, so I've got to follow the curry. All right, cool. I mean, the curry's won awards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, mate. And it was for his son's 21st. And it was all like, it was like sort of his friends. And it was only like, it was for his son's 21st and um it was all like it was like sort of his friends and

it was only like it was his birthday but there's only one table of his friends it was on you know i'm saying like there's like a lot of older people and only one table of 21 year olds which i find weird like a business meeting yeah around uh yeah yeah if it's a 21 year old's birthday party there should be other 21 year olds not just one table's worth that i find that weird i don't know but it's rich people banter though isn't it they were rich oh yeah he must have been he was a music producer what i found him anyway so i was booked for 20 minutes and i've gone on stage and i've just started material it's bombing so i started doing crowd work i'm taking the piss out of everyone it's gone okay It's not great

But it's survivable And I've come off stage And the guy's counting my money He's got a fucking wad like this He goes you know You went a little bit under time But I'm gonna give you your money But you know

You just went a little bit under time I thought you'd do longer And you know You enjoyed yourself And I was like How long did I do He goes 19 minutes 30 Over 20 minutes

And he was complaining about 30 seconds. Do you rule a 10% that in it? You know. Fucking hell. You're doing a 20, 18 or 22 is fine. Yeah. That's how you get a wad. Yeah.

By being that much of a tight arse cunt. I remember the stand and I was like, what? And he goes, you know, I thought you'd want to stay longer and enjoy yourself. And I was like, why do you think I want to stand here with your weird fucking friends? And your curry. You cunt. And hang out. Give him the money. Yeah, and hang out. He thought I wanted to stand here with your weird fucking friends? And your curry? You cunt. And hang out. Give him the money.

Yeah, and hang out. He thought I wanted to hang out with him and, you know, hey, let me, you know, stay around for a little. You ever been tipped by one of those douchebags? Never. I've had it at gigs, private parties. The guy that's not even paying you comes over, go work that kid.

Yeah. And then you're like, oh my God, I've got 20 quid in my hand. I've just been douchebag tipped like I'm gigging for good fellas like hey you're alright

here's 20 quid I had a Jonglers in Huddersfield and it was five pound coins I'm not even messing it was a Jonglers on the road

I did it with Doug Seagal Silky and Jim Smallman and me and Jim Smallman were sort of at the side of the stage. Someone come over and put £5 coins in my hand. I heard you get tips in Dubai. That's where people would tip you.

That's what I heard. People come up and give you, like, you know. If you say, apparently, if you sell merch, someone would say, oh, here, you know, they'll give you, like, 100 quid for your fucking DVD or whatever. They are a bit, yeah. I've done gigs in Bahrain where, you know, sometimes a promoter goes, oh, we're going to film tonight.

And usually now you're like, oh yeah, yeah, fine. Maybe use it as a clip. And they were like, we're going to film tonight. We might use it as an advert, but obviously we'll pay you an extra 200 quid. You're like, okay. FYI, that doesn't happen in fucking Huddersfield. On the time thing, there's a legendary story.

Now I've heard this about three different comics, right? I don't know which one it is. I'm not going to name any of them because I don't know who it is. But it's about Alex. Do you know the story I'm about to tell about Alexanders in Chester? So Danny McLaughlin now books Alexanders. Have you played it? No, no, no, no, no, no.

I know about it. It was Steve Walsh's name ran it, but it's Danny's. Yeah, so it used to, back in the day, it was ran by the people who owned Alexander's and her name was Pauline and she had a reputation

amongst comedians for being a bit of a twat. Right? She's out the game now. She can't affect my career. So they used to run it. There was no compare. The opener did 20.

The middle did 30 and The middle did 30. And the closer did 40. Fucking hell, man. And what would happen is the headliner went on before the opener to go, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Alexander's. I'm your headliner. I'll be back on later. Your opening act is Dan Nightingale.

Right? Then the opener had to stay till after the interval and bring the middle act on. And the middle act had to stay till after the interval and bring the middle act on and the middle act had to stay till after the second interval to bring the headliner on and that's how they did it the headliner didn't have to do that

the headliner was asked and if you did it you got an extra 20 quid oh right I didn't know that yeah that was

that was the deal they knew you didn't want to do it as the headliner so they said obviously if you do that, we'll give you an extra 20 quid. Why don't you just give that, say, double that 20 quid

and just let an open mic emcee them? It would be a lot better. Why would you do that when you've made up your own batshit crazy system? That is a mad, that is a mad. So the story I was told was a Northwest headliner comic was closing Alexander's. This is early noughties, think maybe late 90s and uh he gets there and he goes on and introduces the opening act and then the opening act was like i've got

to go and get me train like whatever so the headliner dead sound went i'll bring the middle on i'll bring the middle on fine so the headliner goes on in the middle and goes ladies and gentlemen next act is jamali maddox here's your middle act then goes on at the middle and goes ladies and gentlemen next act is Jamali Maddox here's your middle act then goes on at the end told the middle to get off and just went on and did 37 minutes and the woman who booked the gig

was like did fucking 37 it's 40 for a reason so he literally the audience was still there and he told them all to sit back down went went back on, stood in silence for three minutes exactly, and then left, got his money, told us to fuck off, and said, I'll never play your club again.

That is a G, man. That, honestly, I've never heard that, but I love those legendary stories that are like... They just go round and round. Yeah, that's the story I hear that's great I mean that guy's got fucking balls man

to stand in silence like I respect that 2 minutes 58 because I feel like that's a situation that if I was in I would be in a shower and be like

I should have done that you know what I'm saying because it's one of those things of at the moment you don't think yeah you don't you don't think to do that oh and on the drive home you're like oh, I should have said all of these things.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry about that. It's not that you don't even say it. It's just that, because sometimes the situation is so shocking, you don't know what, it's not that you don't have the ability not to say anything, but you just don't know what to say. The level of country takes you by surprise. Yeah, yeah.

You kind of go, oh, because you just don't expect such a, like a situation happened the other day where I did a gig and someone was kicking off. So I got them kicked out. And as a joke, I said from stage, I said, how much did you pay to get in? I'll pay you to leave, right? And then the promoter then gave the money to the people out of my money.

And I was like, no. And I was like, okay. And I left. And then I was like, and I was like okay and I left and then I was like wait a second no and I rang him and I was like

I want my 20 quid back actually and he goes yeah alright as he's there cleaning the toilets yeah yeah but then

but you know because I just didn't because it's such a weird scenario you kind of go like and it really was bothering me all weekend I was like why did you give him my fucking money like obviously's obviously just boot them out and then i was like

so i rang him and i was like you know what man like i'm not happy with that situation like i had it all built up and he was like yeah i'll just give you about 20 quid mate and i was like ah fair enough you know i did that at my tour show in blackpool when that guy was a cunt to you and then was even cunty with me oh Oh, he really lost his temper. Yeah. At that Blackpool Comedy Club. But it was my tour show. So what had happened was, did we talk about this on a Patreon or a public?

I honestly can't remember. About a month and a half ago, wasn't it? So, sorry for the repeat for anyone, but I had a tour show that was rescheduled from March until September at the Blackpool Comedy Club. And it sold quite well. It was fun.

But because I hadn't done an hour for like eight, nine months, I was like, what I'll do is I'll compare it. I'll bring two support acts and I'll do like 40, 50 at the end. So they get a full night even though I'm not gig fit for an hour. In the end, I ended up doing over an hour at the end didn't I like an hour and five or something

or 55 I think it was but you did stuff in the previous night but I'd compared 20 minutes at the top before Dan and they were sound they were fun

everyone was enjoying it it was a great gig Dan goes on and you know the typical comic thing you're ripping it but you can see the one guy who's having a shit time

so he'd done a bit about was it seagulls he had been laughing yeah but he'd done a bit about Was it seagulls He had been laughing Yeah But he'd just got a face on About one thing I'd said something In passing to him

Offhand yeah He was talking to his missus Going And I was like Basically went Fuck you're loud You can't whisper It was real

He was like Just to keep him quiet Yeah Yeah so He had that real blackpool face You don't say that to fucking me and you went mate if the seagull bit's not gonna get you don't know what it is so then he went to he went to dan uh i come to see adam i didn't come to see you lot this is

doing me fucking head in so i was like right so when i went back on to bring dan off i went mate come on what's the matter you're gonna still see well over an hour of me you're getting more than you've paid for really but no that's not what i paid for and i went well no one says that at my shows so because he was saying he was getting off i went you can have your money back i don't know whether ryan gave me because i don't really look at my breakdowns to be honest with you my my agent could just take all of my money and be like it's just 25 30 quid from that but i i told him i was like if you want to leave you can fucking have your money back i'm not gonna like i'd rather give someone their 12 14 quid back whatever my ticket price going to like, I'd rather give someone their 12,

14 quid back, whatever me ticket price was, to not have them be able to say, I went to see Adam Rowe and I didn't get what I paid for. You fucking peep. My favourite bit of that was, as he was going, well,

I didn't pay for you, I paid to see Adam Rowe. This woman at the other side went, well, we're enjoying it. So shut the fuck up. And the whole room, it was the most Northern moment

And I bottled I literally got the table down And hid behind it Like let's kick it off Let's get an extra Northern I do like when that person Does take your side

Because sometimes I'll go off on someone Because I like to Be mean And I'll go off And sometimes I'll go Am I in the wrong And then someone just goes

No she's been a cunt All night She fucking has Isn't it Yeah I don't like that Should we have an advert Yeah man Good shot And then someone just goes, no, she's been a cunt all night. Oh yeah. She fucking has, hasn't it? Yeah. Should we have an advert? Yeah, man.

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I haven't listened to it Do you know the last album I listened to that was Fucking really good Was um The guy who's in Get Out You know Little Realm Oh

I'm gonna get out Mate His album Is so fucking funny man It's just like a Little Realm Little Realm How We And it's uh Album is like Live from Compton or something His album is so fucking funny, man. It's just like a little rel, little rel Howie. And his album is like live from Compton or something. He does it in Compton.

And it's kind of like somewhat of an Edinburgh show, but more American style. But it's just like wall-to-wall funny. Just, you know what I mean? It's not talking about politics and shit, but it's just fucking funny shit. I'm more and more getting into this yeah yeah he has this one it's based the story based around him having to pay for his uncle's funeral and because now he's rich and famous his family trying and it's just like i was creasing man it's such a good look when you

get those guys and then and they've still got the sharpness of when they were circuit acts yeah yeah well you know when like they're 10, 15 years in, you get a lot of drop off with the big guys, don't you? They're just kind of a bit soft. You realise how that, because I did one club in America

where it was like the weekend and you realise how you have to get good because those club weekends are so fucking hard, man. Like to do an hour at a club is not fucking easy man And with the noise And like you realise

Oh that's why They're the top percentile But one thing I would put I think our hacks Are better than their hacks Oh I think Their hacks are fucking bad

Here's my theory Our hacks are better Than their hacks Because our hacks Will have a 80s Alternative to them Do you know what I'm saying

No they kind of have Some 80s alternative And they You know what I'm saying they kind of have some 80s alternative and they you could tell one time oh this was a good act but now it's just bad but you did it 25,000 times

dickhead but yeah I think we have um America has shitter shit but

better good yeah better good yeah we're like a nice we've got a we've got a smaller spread are we doing the podcast yet is that no i'm sorry it's great i was like yeah but no club weekends ain't no fucking no fucking hard oh by the way i'd love to do live at compton i don't know how it'd go i don't think it'd be the perfect place to do an edinburgh preview but

i'd give it a crack i think they got a uh like someone was telling me about a comedy gig they have in compton or one of the inglewood or something and uh it's like a clown i've seen the videos online it looks like if you're gonna bomb it's gonna be the worst bomb ever but if you do well it looks like it would be you know i gig him wrong i'll be all right i know the brothers i don't think Compton's going to be as bad now as it was like apparently gentrified now yeah because you hear Compton

and you hear Boys in the Hood and like same as Brixton what's the other one NWA what's the other film Boys in the Hood

where about do you live we're back on by the way you just have to figure out where we started East London fine it's your job innit East London where like Hackney Base is that East London near What? Fine. It's your job, isn't it? East London.

Where, like, Hackney Bays? Is that East London? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sweet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think if I did do the London for a year thing. London for a year. You're not doing it.

Don't do it. Don't give me a fucking panic attack on it. Well, I'm not coming to turn Pike green just so you can record a fucking podcast. You never leave in Liverpool? Don't think so. you love liverpool like i could see myself just to give him an actual stroke i could see myself doing like new york for a year yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that makes sense i could see my wife's face when i'm like i'm going to new york without him i'm not gonna get off the word but we're gonna rent studio space in new jersey

i can imagine you yeah because you you i've never seen someone rep a city as hard as you do I'm not going to get off the word, but we're going to rent studio space in New Jersey. I can imagine you, yeah. Because I've never seen someone rep a city as hard as you do. Like, you really go in for your city. I would think you was in a gang. How hard you go for Liverpool. I think you're mistaken tweets about Liverpool as being the city and not the football club. No, it's just you have a love for that city that I've never seen.

Like, I'm from London. I love London. city That I've never seen Like I'm from London I love London But even I go Eh I'm a bit You know But you Are through and through Do you know what's really funny though

There's I'm not that bad am I Like there's so many more Professional Scousers Compared to me Okay We talk about this quite a lot It's a Scouse thing though isn't it

Yeah It's a pride It's pride Yeah there is a There is a mad sort of parochial nature even like even the

black cabs still have the stickers of like we ain't buying the sun and it's like no one's selling it but it's still that fucking really you know

yeah that's it it's next yeah if you look next to you on the left there's a sticker see on the light box yeah I'm saying though it's sort of that real

like in London we just kind of we sort of shift and change it's not a good thing but you sort of shift and change a lot and it's sort of you real Like in London We just kind of We sort of Shift and change It's not a good thing But you just shift and change a lot And it's sort of You know Is it because London

Is so many things Yeah Like it's It's every conceivable Yeah Like creed, colour Yeah Social spectrum

Yeah There's the ultra wealthy Of the world Along with some of the Poorest people in Yeah yeah yeah Europe It feels like it's

Changing now Where it feels like That sort uh changing now where it feels like that sort of you know that that the people who are the working class are getting driven out hard you know i'm saying where yeah where before it all ended up in like kent and yeah yeah they're really pushing them out you know like you can see it now where you go hackney and you don't see that many working class people you see a lot of erpsuppies and shit. I mean, Brixton got mentioned. Brixton 25 years ago was rough, man. Now Brixton's like, it's properly on the way.

You can't afford a parking space in Brixton. That's how fucking bad it is there. Do you know why I once rang? Do you know when I was like 17 and I was looking at moving out because my dad was doing me a zing and I'm fucking moving out. I was on Zoopla, right?

That's it, I'm going to the next thing. No, Mayfair. I'll try Mayfair. I like the fags. Kensington. There's one of them in Liverpool. That'll be cheap. Do you know that Buckingham Palace is large?

It's so much cheaper than what you think it is. I've seen an advert for a city centre spot and it was 125 quid a month and I was like I can afford that so I rang them and I was like I want this, 125 quid a month

I work at Mackey's You even called it Mackey's for professionalism I'm earning like a few hundred quid a week 125 quid a month. I work at Mackey's. You were called at Mackey's for professionalism. I'm earning like a few hundred quid a week. I can, 125 quid a month. I want this fucking, I thought it was a one bedroom apartment. It was a parking space in Liverpool.

You were living in a parking space. I thought you meant you were, you were doing, your dad was doing your editing and you were going to London. No. What a fucking, what a 17 year old move that,

dad, you're pissing me right off. That's it. I'm going Amsterdam. Fuck you. Oh my God. That's funny. Yeah, the woman on Iron Man. I honestly thought you were on Zoopla in London.

I can remember the woman's tone of voice on the phone. She was like, what do you mean you want this place? She was like, where do you live? And I was like in West Abbeybey at the minute but like always wants to live in town you do know this is a parking space and i was like i remember going for the 125 it's one of them phone calls where she's like this has not been worth my time in terms of the waste of time but it's worth it for the fucking anecdote. She dined out on that for three years.

Carol, tell the story about that guy that rang up about the parking space. Anyway. He said it's messed up. I'm earning a couple hundred quid a month. I could make this work. How's London Town been with the old fucking Rona and the lockdown? Has it felt more mental? Does it still feel quiet?

What's going on? You realize that paying a lot of money for a flat when you can't leave it ain't worth it. Do you know what I'm saying? You realize that you are buying it for the city and not the home because your home is shit. Do you know what I'm saying? You're paying the extra money for all the shit you can go out and do. Yeah, but then when that's not there, you realise, oh, this is my house and there's not much here. In the lockdown, I was taking pictures,

my daughter would be in the garden, and I'd be like, oh, I'll send it to a couple of mates that lived in London. Yeah, yeah. And I stopped myself and just didn't send them the picture because it had my garden in the background. And I was like, I feel like I'm going to be gaslighting my friends via WhatsApp because they're in a two-bedroom flat friends man because this is a hammer smith

horrible i mean and uh you realize that like as well that you don't need to be in london like the idea of being in london for showbiz just doesn't exist anymore like there's nothing i didn't do on zoom that i couldn't do from anywhere in the world. That whole idea of like, if you don't live in London, it's good. I just don't think that's true. And I think kind of like, I think I dispelled that myth. I think this is, this is, this podcast has become an advert to get Jamali back to the north. I just, I just, I do. No, I think the getting no work left a bad taste in my mouth. Like frog and bucket was not having it. What the fuck happened there? Like there's loads of jamali's knocking about like the northwest comedy scene we got

too many of you just too many because that's what i remember i i did the frog and bucket uh you probably don't remember you've done so many but the gong show and i won i do remember you and they never gave me spots yeah they wouldn't give me spots and i don't maybe i did bad there maybe my my uh yeah i know it's a really serious point about maybe even like racism within northern booking and adam's just put a i found a hole um not a serious point but um yeah man i'm gonna tell you but they just a bunch of craps just weren't having him you know he's what is uh yeah it's it's a fucking it's a shame innit And it's probably endemic Of a bigger sort of like

We just bought what we like And what we know And it's a failing really innit It's alright The next time I saw you Was at the Festival in the Alps Remember

Yeah the altitude I think I literally saw you At Beat the Frog And I was like This guy's quite good And then six months later He's one of the featured At altitude

And I was like Yeah turns out You don't need that work In Manchester Because you're one of the featured I was like I basically was like yeah turns out you don't need that work in Manchester because you're one of the featured I was like I basically got it

as like we need to compare for a couple of those early shows there's a tier system at Altitude if you've never heard of Altitude it's a ski gig

it's the weirdest thing it's one of my biggest fucking bugbears with this fucking COVID thing okay there's death okay the economy's crashing but I was booked

to do Altitude for the first time this year and it obviously got fucking panned and it sounds mental but a comedy small comedy festival

takes over part of what's it called Alpen Meinhofen it's a really nice like ski resort and you're just bumping into one of the weirdest things

that's ever happened to me in comedy was my flight was getting in at the same time as Sean Locke and Bill Bailey and the guy who rang the festival was like so Dan if it's alright you to me in comedy was my flight was getting in at the same time as Sean Locke and Bill Bailey. And the guy who rang the festival was like, so Dan, if it's all right, you're getting in first. Do you mind waiting around 40 minutes?

Because Sean Locke and then Bill Bailey will come and you'll get transported together. And I had to be like, yeah, yeah, cool. Yeah, yeah. Like, I'm going to go, no, fuck him. I'll get the flight. I'll get the wrong car, bitch. So I was having a beer at Munich airport. This beautiful, like, German lager going, this is weird. You get loads of these moments in stand-up, don't you? Where you're like, this is weird. so I was having a beer at Munich airport this beautiful like German

lager going this is weird you get loads of these moments in stand up don't you where you're like this is weird this is my job

this is my life Sean Locke taps me on the shoulder like you Dan and then proceeds to join me for a beer Sean Locke by the way is as sound as you think he is he's a fucking good guy

then Bill Bailey and his like techies come because he goes everywhere with people that set up his instruments they turn up and we have one of the most batshit semi-pissed drives from munich to austria bill bailey has got a bottle of the strongest peach snaps you've ever fucking seen from munich airport me sean lock two techies and bill bailey get fucked up on peach snaps on the weird autobahn into the

austrian hills and i was fucking steaming by the time we got there at one point bill bailey at a service station got out and we're all like going for like a half cut piss he comes back with and this is the this is the bonus of being a wealthy person you know when you're in a service station with your mates you're like i just buy this to be funny but obviously you're not a millionaire so you've got a limit on what you can spend he spent at least 350 euros on tat for he came back with fucking toys he had we were hammered drink like such a surreal moment where i'm talking to sean lock pissed on schnapps about chelsea and then like a toy dinosaur comes into my view because bill bailey's like amazing and i we got there they were so sound and that was the first time i'd seen you since beat the frog and you we were in we're in fucking austria in the hills you absolutely

smashed it was great yeah it was a good festival that time yeah i um it's weird as well as i it's funny you say that because i realized this the other day that uh i was uh i was thinking about the place i've been i've been oh i've been more countries with comedians i hardly see than my own girlfriend yeah you know what i'm saying though like we've been to austria yeah yeah yeah we've been to somewhere really like you know what i'm saying like we traveled like you and me have been to beat the Frog in Manchester, Austria and Runcord. Yeah, man. We've literally seen the world together. It is weird, isn't it? I love those moments.

Because you can go on one of those abroad trips with a comic who you're not really mates with and by the end of it, it's like you're brothers in arms from war. If you do an Edinburgh Festival package show with two other comics who you don't know, by the end of it, they're your fucking

Best mates on the planet Hashtag never forget You'll You'll always remember The guys who do those Packard shows in Edinburgh Did you do a Packard show I did Big Value

In 2004 Oh damn Yeah Who was on with you There was two shows The early shows was Hills Barker Kev Dewsbury

Josie Long And Seymour Mace Yeah And the late show was me Mark Oliver Will Hodgson and Mick Ferry

it's a bit of a laugh the year before had been I don't know if it was the year before had been like Jim Jefferies Steve Hughes and the year after I think was Manford

yeah like it's so weird how it works but I never did I did the reserve Pleasant Reserve

bombed that's the golden ticket that though who is your alumni of that year I was on with Tom Little I love Tom

you know Tom Little his videos are smashing at the minute just a little side note there check this is Tom Little on Twitter he's been doing

some amazing work. Jordan Lockdown, he's got really creative with his stuff. Just got your lover's videos. Go and check them out. He's a funny guy. Yeah. A poet guy

who doesn't do it no more. No shit. Yeah, a poet guy who doesn't do it no more. And yeah, I can't remember the other one. I can't remember. Not a good sign, is it?

It's not a good sign. No, no, no. If it was Joe Lysa, you'd remember, wouldn't it? Yeah. That was fucking that long ago. Who was your big value? You did big value, didn't you? Yeah.

I did it with... I did it twice. Did you do it with Dane? No. What if I... We did it with Dane. Right. I did it with Elliot Steele, Ed Hedges, and Vin Satter. The first time I did it. And then the second time I did it, Dane right I did it with Elliot Steele Ed Hedges and Vin Satter

the first time I did it and then the second time I did it they just they were like we've got a gap like I was already doing

the festival and they were like we need a comp here someone's dropped out and I was like I'll do it it's a way to sell tickets because you're showcasing

and that one was with Harriet Dyer who I've become quite close with across that month eh Alistair Williams and George Rigdon yeah

so I'm trying to look online and see who I did it with because I feel bad I forgot their names and they'll remember you no no no one of them's still around but the Pleasance Reserve is a golden ticket because you get paid to do the month they put you up and you get guaranteed a spot to do your debut hour at the pleasant oh yeah yeah it's like a scholarship made the big big value when i did it back in you know 1812 you got you got 500 quid accommodation it was it was it was great

and it just gradually over the years those, they've depreciated in value. Is it weird that the day we found out we're probably not going to be gigging for about six weeks, we've come in here and romanticized about stand-up more than we've done on this podcast for ages? Well, I apologize if I made it too comedy-centric. Oh, mate, we don't. No, that's not you.

That's us. It's us. Our listeners are fucking well-intentioned. We get so many questions sent in about stand-up Oh that's not you That's us It's us Like our listeners Are fucking well We We sort of We get so many questions Sent in about stand up That we We tend now

To only talk about it When they come in But when it happens Naturally with a comic It's some of our favourite I miss I miss Nerding out about comedy

You know There is a sort of thing Of miss talking to comedians And miss Talking shit And you know I'm gonna go I went

I'm at this weekend off But last night I went down to Hot mistalking shit. I'm going to go. I've had this weekend off, but last night I went down to Hot Water to hang out. And I'm going to go back tonight. Brennan Reese is doing the Late Show at Hot Water tonight, so I'm going to go meet him for food and then go and watch the Late Show. I went down last night. Danny McLaughlin compared,

and he's, as far as I'm concerned, a top three compared in the country. He's so fast. He's so fucking ridiculously quick. His nostalgic references that someone heckled last night and he said, shut up the witches of Eastwick. And it just fucking levelled me. Also, his shit out at one point.

Like, if you haven't checked Danny's stuff out, he's got loads of clips on the Hot Water channel. He's also started a podcast recently called The Damn Daniel Podcast. Go and check it out. It's brilliant. But you know when you see a comic go to say something on stage and they sort of reverse out of it.

So he was talking to a girl and she was like, I'm a makeup artist, but he'd already spoken to these five loud Scouse women. And he was like, that's definitely one of them. Statistically five Scouse women have got Muir in the Facebook name. They've got MUA, one of these.

And one of them went, no, we're not Muirs and he never said it and when he came off I went you nearly called them Muirs didn't you and he went yeah I was like I seen you just go no I'm not going to go with that part

he's so good with the word play like that he was in the back of the Nottingham where I was doing a bit of crowd work and one one guy was like what do you do for a job? And the guy went, I work with diggers. And I literally, I got a hot flush.

I was like, you really don't want to get any of those letters wrong in that job description. You don't want to say that too fast. I know. And Danny was at the back going, mate, you've got to go back on and go, digger what

digger please and it's just how his head works i i just saw it firsthand and went and he's there doing oh you need to do a little bit of word play with it i did a gig with danny mack and manchester and we both came in dressed in the exact same outfit and he went and then he went i knew this would happen and he bought a different jumper because he knew we were just like he preempted that we were and we had exactly the same jumper it was like a thrasher jumper like black i was about to say he preempted it preempted it so he compared last night nick page opened is sort of got that posh english older guy about him simon was in the middle and i I went down because Danny was on No Ones to Hang Out

with a mate and talk to him, but also because, and Deliso Close, just a great bill. But watching Simon Wozniak again, he's just got it, you know. I think Wozniak is a future. I saw this a year ago. Like three years ago, I gigged with you, and you were on in the middle, and it was the most difficult night of my fucking year.

And I got pissed off with the frog and the guy, like the tech call. I was like, why is he in the middle and it was the most difficult night of my year and i p i got pissed off with the frog and the guy like the tech call i was like why is he in the middle i like did it in front of it i was like get him the out of the middle he's a headliner and you're being a bellend stop ruining my night give the crowd what they want and and i think was the acts get into that point yeah you were like thanks for that mate but it sounded aggressive because I'm trying to compliment you and also make my fucking life easier yeah

should have headliners headlining Midlax should be Midlax and Wozniak's at that point where you're like we need to get him on he'll be great

but Wozniak needs to be headlined he's not far off being like funny man he's very funny he's so

because he's got a similar accent to me and a similar style to me. He's one of the acts I most worry about following. I did a weekend there a couple of weeks ago and he was in the middle and I was closing. Not ideal. I had good sets all weekend because it's hot water and it's fine.

But Carl was there one night. Do you remember? We were just watching and I was like, he's just... I'm crying laughing. He used to be shit as well. He was shit he was really

he got gonged off twice in one night it was me me and him ran a gong show for a bit at Baby Blue on a Wednesday

and he got gonged off and he went oh I didn't get to do my meal deal bit so I went to the audience do you want him to should we let him do the meal deal bit

and he went back on and then just didn't do the meal deal bit so he gonged him off you ran a gong show at Baby Blue. Yeah. That is honestly sounds like-

He hustled. That is, man, that sounds terrible. That sounds like the worst sentence in comedy, isn't it? I would- Gong show at Baby Blue. I remember I did Baby Blue and hecklers were tagging each other's heckles. Like they were like tagging it.

They were like, and then you could say have you thought that you could also call him a cunt like this two seconds we're gonna mug you up yeah yeah but they were like tagging each other's heckles and like it was i remember like walking off and being like i never again and then they booked me for a weekend this one i needed weekends and it was looming in my diary for six months. You know, you just see it every week. It's one week closer to doing a weekend there.

Five more sleeps till death. And then luckily it got pulled. Such a shame as well. Cause baby blue could have been, it's everything about the room screams comedy club. I also think what we all sort of glossed over there there's everything about that bit of the docks has a dark dark history that is soaked into those walls like it like the history of that bit of slavery yeah mate you're like oh god that you

can feel the history in it you're like not all good though we used to have to smoke the room before the gigs what we used to have to smoke the room out before the gigs what we used to have to get flavoured smoke and smoke the room out for an hour so when there's a guy in the corner with a shisha pipe or something that's what it looked like

because the smell was that bad because of the history we'd have to smoke the room out for an hour before the gig could start just go hear the ghosts

get out oh my god but it looks like it looks like a good room it's got personality. I remember they had that one female doorman who would just-

Oh, Anja. Who just used to fucking- Anja. Anja. Anja. Fucking put people in headlocks. Yeah, she was- I fucking loved Anja.

She did not fuck around, did she? She's lovely, Anja. The blonde one? Yeah. Oh, she's great. I loved Anja. She was a teacher as well. She was always just dead sound.

And she could twat you. Oh, yeah. You love it. Yeah. Jamali, you're... I didn't want to make that a fancy thing because I didn't, but yeah, that is... Your bill was Malcolm Head,

you, Tom Little, and Joe Sutherland. Joe Sutherland, that's the name. Joe Sutherland. Shout out to Joe. Big respect. Sorry I've forgotten. No, no, no. Speak to you later.

I'll give you a call. See you at Christmas. Yeah. I'm a shit with names names who's the guy that you we've got we're going to talk about some of the stuff carl's got some bits but who's the guy that you see on a bill and you go like adam did with wasney i can go i have do you know i don't have that but i do have the bad luck omens you know those ones every time i see him i bomb oh that's so funny jeff in the sun every time i see jeff if he's in the room i die i don't know what it is about i'll be killing all week and then jeff will be and i'll just die like i think he's my bad luck charm he's a good comic

it's not that he's a bad guy he's a fucking great comic nothing to do with that he's a great comic but i'm just saying it just it's just bad luck me Yeah yeah Whenever he's there It's just my bad luck I just seem to always die When he's there And Dane for a long time I would always die If I was on the field Dane Baptiste

It's just your bad luck You know My bad luck charm It's just For whatever reason It was like an omen Yeah I know what you mean Have you got any of them

Where you just gig with them And you're like I've been some once Dan Evans from Brighton Has literally had him turn up in a dressing room and go oh god oh i never have a good one when you're here you're like hi mate nice to see you i like both of those dudes you know what i'm saying like me and dana called it but it's just for whatever reason it's just it was just bad luck it was just not my night when it happened i don't know why man but it's just that weird i don bad luck. It was just not my night when it happened.

I don't know why, man, but it's just that weird. I don't have that, but I've told you before. I have that with York as a town. Yeah. York can just eat a bag of fucking dicks

as far as I'm concerned. Do you know what my town is? Oswalt Twistle. Oh yeah, the Manfred's gig. That fucking place. How many times have you done Oswalt Twistle?

Once, because it was that bad. Yeah, but that's not a bogey town. You had a bad gig. I've done York ten times and took a fucking beating ten times. Have you been to Oswald Twistle? No.

You haven't been? I see then. That's why you don't know. Oh, Lancaster as well. I'm not good at Lancaster. Have you got a problem with historic northern towns that have named their county? Yeah. Right, okay.

Like Lancaster, sunday gig in lancaster i just get fucking slapped every time i do it last time i did it you were meant to be doing it and you had like a car breakdown and i was like brilliant that's worked out great and about eight minutes in i was like fuck you adam and fuck your broken car because i basically ate my balls instead of you eating your balls i did did that gig with Jamie Sutherland comparing, Alan Cochran opening, me in the middle, and Gary Delaney closing. And we all died on our arses. Now, I'm sorry, that's not our fault.

It's not all, it can't be all of you. No, you can't have a bill like that. Like, it's just not possible for that bill to collectively decide to be shit that night. There's a thing about that dying in silence. Like, I don't mind going down that dying in silence like i don't mind going down in flames like i don't mind everyone being like fuck you and like yeah the blues brothers moment yeah yeah i'm good with that like i love that but like i love it but i can deal with

that but when it's just that i'm just we don't want to hear it silence that's just yeah that's like that's disappointment when you hear someone clear their throat when you i remember i did leads and it was so bad that i had to do half an hour and i was doing my closing bit and i looked at my watch and i was 10 minutes in and i was already doing my clothes rushing through bits where it's just all dying and then i'm doing crowd surfing i said i said who wants to see me crowd surfing i And everyone was like, not really. And I did, and I jumped in the crowd. And there was these two girls that were there, and they went, ugh!

And they both jumped to the side. And I just kind of... Like the opening scene of School of Rock. Just Jack Black, just face black. Died and broke your ankle. Yeah, it was fucking horrible. The passage of time when you're having a bad gig, it's just like...

It's literally like time slows down. It's when you get that really bad one, it's just like, it's so painful. It's literally like time slows down. It's when you get that really bad one, you can feel the tingling in the back of your throat. I remember once I did this show in Rotterdam. It was my first international show. And the first, so I had these two sets in the same venue. The first one went all right.

Then after one of them, Tom Rhodes gave me a joint and I was blasted. Tom Rhodes. There's a legendary name. And he gave me a joint and i was blasted tom yeah yeah there's a legendary name and he gave me a blunt and i was blasted and i went back on stage i'm doing my act and i'm just dying and i'm high so paranoia is kicking in and i'm dying and i look out in the crowd and it was the same people from the last show and i'm just doing the same jokes and i didn't realize and then where i'm high if i was sober i would have been like oh i've doing the same jokes and I didn't realise and then where I'm high if I was sober I would have been like

oh I've done the same bits and done the same but where I'm high I'm just like anxiety and I can feel you know like that old school fear that's in your stomach

yeah it tastes like a battery and I was just like and apparently Dutch audiences will just go oh yeah yeah oh no we don't think this is funny so we're just going to sit here

and just they will stare at you I've heard they don't laugh yeah they do now yeah they never when i first started going there they didn't but i think now with the internet they started laughing but they will just like it's notorious like you'll do a show and it will go bad and they will come on stage and they will quote jokes back to you yeah be like i love that bit you did about yeah because they come from cabaret so i think they think it's rude to make noise right okay so they sort of like you know they watch cabaret where it's like comedy

and music so their whole thing is like we'll watch a show yeah the culture of a crowd is a weird thing they love a premise yeah oh really like if you have a good premise they clap a premise they go oh we want to hear where this goes they punch lines they have no interest that's weird because i got to new zealand 12 years ago and i was all like observation caricature and like they love a punch line i was watching the guys who were like that's a joke that's a joke and they were like we get it that they fucking love the jokes and i quickly realized i i had to really start stop fucking around and get to what I was calling the punchline

it's a weird cultural thing do you think New Zealand is worth that travel in terms of a city like in terms of a country

is it worth flying all that way when you get there do you feel like yeah I feel like when I go to New Zealand for a 24 hour flight

I go I know you mean because it's not 24 hours door to door it's 48 okay because i was like i lived in chester at the time this is 10 years ago i had to get the train to manchester connecting flight to london london to sydney and you connect from sydney to all london to dubai then sydney yeah of course and you stop in dubai for the weird like i'm not slept and i'm like i ate a cheeseburger at five in the morning. And when I was 10 years in and did it for the first time,

it was one of the best things I'd ever done. I thought it was like the comedy festival. I loved it. But I went again and had another good time. And then I went the year after. So I went in like consecutive years. And that third time, because I'd done it the year before, I was like, yeah, I'd rather be in witness or warrington

like because then it becomes a bit of a schlep like it's not something you do every time i know this is like old hat as well but i feel like once you've been australia you get it the same way when if you like say we have me in canada i've been america i get what you're doing right they would vehemently argue that point but once you've been to france you get belgium i get what you're doing but like you know but rotterdam it's like i've been amsterdam i get what you're doing in rotterdam i don't need to see at this point just i'm what I'm saying though And I feel like that For me New Zealand is that Kiwis are particularly sound though Like it's a

Like I got there And I fucking love them Like they're so sound And I had a great time But I know what you mean It's a long old journey To just as well The first night we went out

Do you remember Mickey D Australian comic He was like You're in the fucking You're in fucking Auckland You're going to have a fucking great time You're like Yeah

You're dead excited But you haven't slept properly For two days And your body clock's off And we were out We're like Let's get fucking shots And you're like

And I fell asleep Propped up I wasn't even like Sat properly And I fell asleep Mid-body He's like Ah you dickhead

Fucking There's a bit of jet lag And then you're out again See one argument I have to that Is that You're going to New Zealand With some of the funnest people In the world there's a bit of jet lag and then you're out again see one argument I have to that is that you're going to New Zealand

with some of the funniest people in the world right if you just went on holiday to New Zealand would you be happy with the city

that's his question you're mistaken he's saying as a country oh as a country I'm not shitting the festival the shit festival is great is New Zealand worth two days

oh you think I'm not shitting on the festival I love the festival my whole experience is the the the classic comedy club in Auckland, Wellington, where you stay in that amazing art house hotel. I can't see New Zealand out of the prism of that festival. But yeah, New Zealand seems sound. It seems sound.

But Wales is nice. Yeah, yeah. Isn't it beautiful mountains and a very relaxed point? That's the point of the bit I was making. I wasn't at the festival. I love the festival and I love doing comedy there. I wasn't shitting on the festival. Please book me back.

I live in Chester. I'm an hour and a half from some of the nicest mountains in Snowdonia. It's just that, I don't know. I feel like some places I go there and I go, oh, it and i get it australia i get yeah once i've been you know new zealand is like i you know i didn't need the extra yeah right for that i think it'd be easy if you got to fly business class as well because giving yourself a way upgraded not to australia but yeah to the middle east yeah and that just ruined the flight back yeah oh really oh make and, who was it?

Just a comic that I didn't know well, but again, you're on a foreign trip, so you're like, Evans, Simon Evans, who's like, hello, I'm a fucking Tory dad. But as soon as the boy's on tour, he's a great laugh. We got a gulf air. They were like, oh, we're going to upgrade you. He was like, fucking spot on. He looked like he'd been upgraded every flight of his life. a golf air they were like oh we're gonna upgrade you it was like fucking spot on he he he looked

like he'd been upgraded every flight of his life i look like the bell end who shouldn't be there but he acted like he acted like how you and carl would act he was like oh fuck there's free cake i just kept eating cake and then he watched a bollywood film from start to finish and i was sat next to him i was like are you watching a bollywood film he's like it's absolutely fucking mental it was great fun we went we did a forces gig and on the way back we were we were both like please upgrade us again please because when you've flown like 72 hours before business class the thought of going like in the fucking bus and it was the time of year where uh everyone had been going to mecca and so it was the mecca bingo the mecca crew saudi arabian mecca

so there's something called uh what's it called mecca flu get it right yeah I think it's called foreign something I think it's called mecca flu where all these Muslims from around the world come and bring their fucking

coughs and splutters and colds into one space then they're it they're it the mecca and then they do the fucking

walking around the thing the bingo oh the cabal yeah the cabal yeah nice one someone's worked for vice and then they do the fucking walking around the thing the bingo oh the cabal yeah yeah the cabal yeah nice one someone's worked for Vice and then go round and they literally just give each other the cough

and on the flight back it was the so far from the we're eating cake we're watching Bollywood films we're lying back it was just me surrounded by a load of Muslim people

coughing like fuck it was horrible it was just it just ruined the flight back that you're looking at me like i'm saying something terrible yeah i can feel yeah don't you try and cancel me i'm just i'm just wondering why muslims yeah yeah muslims that's what i'm saying it sounds like if it was white people coughing go okay yeah yeah It sounds like if it was white people coughing,

you'd go, okay, well, but it's like Muslim coughing. I have a British cough. Breathe it in. You said the word Muslim so much there that it was like that was part of the problem. Not all of it. It was just, it was weighing on your mind. Bloody Muslims coughing.

Can we go back? You don't get this at Lord's. There's no fucking Lord's fountain flu. I'll give you a clean edit. There's just loads of really good people and I felt like there was great diversity. on carl have you got anything you've got any features what do we follow and and the ode to comedy uh yeah i have hang on sorry um right so this is from keenan uh it's following on from the sleep eating Sleep walking thing Remember what we did

A couple of weeks ago Yeah yeah yeah Doing stuff in your sleep You really have an amazing Like It's kind of a skill isn't it Once I'm done with an episode Once I leave today

I will forget everything We've spoke about Yeah And then people write in Like do you remember When you talked about that rabbit That you ran over when you were seven It was eight days ago

So he said Basically Him and his missus have found out he's got sex omnia so like insomnia is that a real thing i don't know it sounds like an excuse i think it does sounds like uh what's he saying sex on like insomnia it is you can't sleep where basically while we're while we're both asleep, I'll wake up, in quotation marks, start playing with my missus and wake her up and have sex. Okay, so he wakes her up, they have sex.

First of all, sound missus, by the way. Normal sex. Not unfunky, he said. But then he'll fall asleep and wake up in the morning and not remember. Wow. So he has, like, sleep like sleep sex he says for context uh we found out she said last night was amazing and he hasn't got a fucking clue what she's going

on about uh i didn't know what you say about this but i thought it'd be an interesting funny topic sex omnia it's actually it sounds like he's not doing a bit it sounds like he's genuinely going this is a thing yeah so what's the question it isn question. Oh. It's just a follow-up on sleep eating. Oh. So he sleeps, he sleep fucks. Is it possible that like, you sort of wake up a little bit,

have a horn, have sex, but then go back to sleep straight after? To have no memory of it. That's the strange part in it. Also, it'd make cub camp really fucking dangerous, wouldn't it?

Like, tent B got a bit rapey do you reckon like a nonce could get off of this like you know if he was on trial sleep noncing just like hard

sleep noncing I don't remember it so would it happen with like would he pass a lie detector people killed people in their sleep and have not got off with it

but like been put into like mental institutions and shit what got manslaughter yeah sleep murder yeah some place in America

I don't know sleep noncing I don't know yeah I'm just wondering would that stand up in court institutions and shit what got manslaughter yeah sleep sleep murder yeah someplace in america i don't know sleep nonsense i don't know yeah i'm just wondering what that stand up have you seen the fall now was it about sleep nonsense no it should be because that should be made it's your serial killer we just had a big pitch me right now yeah because i like i'll be honest I'm probably not going to get the travel show where I get to go to Mecca

I think that's now off the table it's a serial killer who kills loads of women and then loses his memory and they're like should he be tried

or not yeah oh yeah he should oh mate he's got no recollection let him go he's got no

capacity to defend himself doesn't matter he did do it he shouldn't be free though should he that's not how trials did do it He shouldn't be free though Should he No but that's not

How trials work is it He shouldn't be free though Just because you Can't remember something Totally But the argument is We can't argue That we didn't do it

Because I can't fucking Remember if I did or not No No you can't do that It's like me going down The pub and having too many And it's like Oh I thought

There's ten people killed Ah I was pissed innit And everyone goes Yeah alright Fucking I was just standing there. That fifth pint, I always got to be fucking. That's insane.

Of course he should be tried. It is a TV show. Yeah, of course it is. But I feel like it sounds quite dangerous, fucking people in your sleep without remembering, though. Oh, consent. Yeah, it sounds. It does sound like he's waking her up

and she's a bit of a horn dog. And she's like, I'll fucking game for anything, mate. Yeah, she comes. It does sound like he's waking her up and she's a bit of a horndog and she's like, I'll fucking game for anything, me. Yeah, she comes out of this story looking like an absolute champ. What do you reckon would happen if you did this to Laura? To Laura?

First of all, I'd have to sleepwalk from my room in the spare room to her bed. So already she'd be suspicious. And then she's 14 weeks pregnant. So I don't think it'd go well i'd have to get over her pregnancy pillow and then round her fucking like and then be like babe and then i think is then i'd get an elbow to the face what about like if she wasn't preggers though

not and you're not trying it's just general time the kids five now etta's 21. Right. Some fucking awful after. You're whacking numbers out here, aren't you? I'm a time traveller. Yeah. She's Doctor Who. But you're in bed together. You've slept together because one of you's... It has happened. It has happened where...

What? In the night, I've just woken up and I've been like, God, I fucking love her. The thing is, when you really love someone, you like the fucking smell of them don't you i know that sounds a bit aggressive but when you're lying next to missy's like oh fucking come here it's um pheromones and chemicals and shit but they say that like there's a certain points of the night where testosterone is the highest so you probably have a highest it's like why you

wake up with a hard dick it's because your testosterone is higher in the morning so that's why you wake up with a boner because you've had a suppression of it in the night And then it's Yeah mate I don't know I don't like suppression But I know that's the reason you get a boner in the morning Is because of your testosterone levels And that's me being very basic No it's true

Same with alcohol Same with alcohol If you don't get a boner Like alcohol suppresses your testosterone So when you You know when you're hungover in the morning You feel horny It's because you've had so long

Of your testosterone being suppressed And then you're In your in the morning you feel horny it's because you've had so long of your testosterone being suppressed and then you're in your most rancid state like ah fucking you've got like I just want to bang something and no one wants to

even look at you how often do you get fucking morning most mornings yeah most mornings most mornings yeah Dan yeah no

most mornings right now fuck off yeah yeah sometimes yeah well I mean how old are you you're my age isn't it 28 yeah so we're still at our peak of testosterone how old are you Right now Fuck off Yeah Yeah sometimes Yeah well How old are you You're my age isn't it

28 Yeah so we're still At our peak of testosterone How old are you 104 104 How old are you 29

29 Yeah Hey Can we fire the question On him the 50 quid Or the Oh yes Alright

Oh Very excited Mate Touche today Touche Okay I nearly did it So would you rather

Right Every morning When you wake up You get 50 quid Or Every morning When you wake up You get a blowjob

No questions asked You don't have to do anything You just get to lay back and enjoy it Who's giving me the blowjob So the caveat was Dream woman Your dream woman Comes into your room

She either gives you a blowjob Or she gives you 50 pound. And it's fire ahead. Yeah. Yeah. And also like, I know you're in a relationship, but for some reason,

your girlfriend's just fine with it. Oh yeah. It's a part of the thing. I'll show her just this clip. Like baby, so we're out. I'm just letting you know, if this potential happens.

So what are you taking? I'll probably take the, sweet. I'm just letting you know, if this potential happens. So what are you taking? I'll probably take the blowjob. Yes! It's £18,000 a year, though. How much? £18,000 a year. Tax-free. Every morning.

But as well is, do I have... Because it might be a morning I'm just not in the mood. No, see? Oh, no, she's still... Bing bong! It's you either have the blow job forever or the money forever you can't go today and if i have 50 pounds can i still get blow jobs yeah oh i'll take the 50 pound thing because i can still get blow job i would want to say yes fuck off adam

right answer there you go i don't think you ever wait i've i've never like been receiving a blow job and being like i wish this wasn't happening no no no but have you never been in the mood for like for whatever reason you might have had a shit day or whatever and you're not in the mood to have sex or you're you always in the mood in the morning though are you always ready to go in the morning yeah every morning yeah every morning yeah hungover feeling it mostly hungover so you get you get covid right you're like you literally and then you're like oh god it's really heavy on my chest and fucking i should have taken it more serious. Coronavirus.

Bing bong. Here comes fucking dream girl. Like, don't give a shit. You said a blowjob. But then, I see, no,

I don't know if I'm in the other way. Who's your dream girl, Jamali? Like celebrity or actress or? Do you know what? I've gone through so many phases. Who's your current phase? Who's your current phase?

I don't know. Do you know what? I'm so... I don't really know pop culture. Yeah. You don't have to. It could be like... No, no, no, no.

But I understand what you're saying, but I don't know... The Queen, circa 1953. I don't really know pop culture enough to throw a name of reference, to be honest with you. Or Cat Deely. Or Misty from Pokemon.

They were my two. I'd say was that a question for Misty? Was that one with the big lips? No, she's Ash's boy, Ash's mate. Like the- I think she's like 14, mate. The water trainer. Yeah, she was then.

Pokemon's old now, like you're not even asleep. You invest early. In fact, I see potential. She was also a cartoon. What? She was also a cartoon. Oh, there's nothing wrong with that. You have imagination, you fucking idiot.

Who's like the... Like Margot Robbie. Well, for people my age, Helen Mirren. But who's the... Banging. Who's like the big babes right now, though? Like, I don't know what's the... Margot Robbie.

Who? Margot Robbie. Nah, she's about 33, though, isn't she? Yeah. Why not that? Is that too young or too old no i'm just saying surely there's like hotter hotter younger stop being so ageist oh you're disgusting at times you know i don't i don't know any like younger ones really like

margot robbie's mad she's okay i can't believe anyone can look at a picture of margot robbie and go no no no no these are different there's a picture of Margaret Robbie and go, No, no, no, no. See, these are different. There's a real difference, though, yeah. And this is, I think, of preference, right? I can appreciate she's beautiful, but I don't know if she's like... No, she's not. Do you see what I'm saying? There's a difference.

Wolf of Wall Street did her the world of good. There's women that are not... Okay, you know you go Sweden, you go, Wow, they're beautiful women, but they're very clinical. There's no, you know. You like them a little bit. There's an edge. Yeah.

Okay, I summed up like this. I like a late afternoon to an early evening stripper. I think that's the best time. You know what I'm saying though? Like a late afternoon To an early evening You're not bothered about Saturday night headliners No no no no no

So it's like It's not a cheap lap dance But it's affordable And I think that's the peak Yeah You want the one That's had to sort out Child care to get it to itself

Yeah yeah yeah yeah Dan likes them to look like His porn searches are not Like classical He's sort of on the same vibe You like to look like They might not have brushed their teeth

or something you know genuinely I'd like to find my porn on like Facebook marketplace I'm like I want some realism

yeah yeah yeah we've got a fucking cabinet to sell and look at Jill's tits I think there is something attractive about realness and reality

because I think some of these you know sort of women that are sort of look fake it's kind of like but i'm never going to see that in reality yes that's what i'm about and i think there's a difference between you know beautiful this is like attainable no it's not attainable it's that thing of like because like beautiful and sexy yes beautiful and sexy two different things Also the supermodels

Are aesthetically pleasing But Scarlett Johansson Is stunning She's got an amazing figure And she's incredibly talented Like who's that Like there's more There's more going on

Who's that Who's the Latino actress Eva Mendes Eva Mendes She was my first She was my first love That was a valid point What happened

What was the point He's just ripping the shit out of me. What did you say? For being a nonce. It was like you were talking about someone you're in love with. He went, yeah, so, you know, all these supermodels are amazing, but Scarlett Johansson is beautiful and she's really talented. Yeah, I was a bit shout out.

Yeah. Margot Robbie. Margot Robbie is attractive, but she's a bit rough. She looks like you could see her in the fucking Runcorn Asda with trackies on. But she's a bit rough She looks like You could see her In the fucking Runcorn Asda With trackies on

She's got a bit Scally about her I just think She's very clinical She's very You go like Oh yeah Do you like Eva Mendes

Then yeah Yeah She was my first I think Eva Mendes Is like You look at Eva And go god Like she's not

Maybe as like What you would You know If you had a scientific Graft of what pretty is in terms of the symmetrical face. Sexy, sexy. Blah, blah, blah. Not having beauty spots, but she's sexy.

My first one. That's the point I'm making. She's a lesbian, actually. Is the girl from SWAT. Have you seen the film SWAT? No, no. With Colin Farrell. Have you seen it?

That classic. It's not Colin Farrell. It is Colin Farrell? Yeah. She's not even a lesbian. What's her name? Lena Esco. Let's see Colin Farrell. It is Colin Farrell? Yeah. She's not even a lesbian. What's her name? Lena Esco. Let's see.

That doesn't sound right. Do you know what? My absolute favourite, Bobby Mare. She got like a bowl of lead? No. Is it Stephanie Sigmund? No, she's like

Colombian or something. Are we doing Wank Bank now? Lena Esco sounds very South American, doesn't it? No, it's not here. Oh, God. This is fire, this bit.

As we google fucking it is I know what you mean get the fuck out it's not Leonardo well you don't know what it is

how you doing mate you alright yeah bro talk amongst yourself mate this one has hit the height like all episode and then we've just

slightly gone off the rails at the end as Adam Rodriguez oh yeah yeah yeah she's in Fast and the Furious what? Fast and Furious anyway

she seemed like she would be in SWAT though to be fair can you pop her up Carl on the video just so people get the satisfaction of knowing yeah

she's attractive yeah I'm in love with her she'd smash it out of the air as well yeah she'd bat it like you wouldn't get it back yeah

should we call that a pod because that has been. Let's call this a podcast. It's been a beauty. Jamali that has been that has been

phenomenal. Okay. I've loved that. It's been very very good. Have you had any shit ones though? Yeah we've had a

couple. Okay yeah we'll tell you. We'll tell you once that camera goes off and that button goes green. If you really enjoy

this stuff, there's an extra episode every single week on patreon.com slash have a weird part. We've got new merch coming soon. Go and check Jamali out everywhere. It's Jamali Maddox. J-A-M-A-L-I-M-A-D-D-I-X. Did I nail that?

Yep. And oh, I've got a podcast coming out where I'm recording it with my friend in prison. Okay. What? He's in prison and I'm going to record a podcast. So that's going to come out. Boring.

Yeah. Boring. That's going to be this year. That's going to be amazing what you're calling it. Do you know? No, we ain't worked out the name yet, but it's going to be out this year. Call it reverse charge.

I don't pitch me. Oh, I like that. That's actually really good. That's not a bad one. Thank you. Well, that makes up for the Muslim racism. Bye, Felicia. Bye, Felicia.