Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - BONUS EPISODE - Steph Johnson

Episode Date: October 9, 2020

Check out Steph @scousebirdblogs and @scousebirdshopFollow Adam @adamrowecomedy & Dan @danhasapodcastThanks so much for listening. Give us a follow on socials @haveawordpod and make sure to subscribe to the podcast on your app and to our channel at: YouTube.com/haveawordpod. Full epsiodes in video on da'tube.And if you'd like an extra episode of our lids, every week, in video and audio... sign upto our Patreon.com/haveawordpod. From as little as £3 a month you get the weekly exclusive ep. and a load of other perks. Enjoy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks so much for downloading the Have A Word podcast. We really appreciate it. This is the public episode. It goes out every Monday. Did you know we do an extra episode? It comes out every Wednesday. It's the Patreon exclusive. So to become a patron, to essentially subscribe to the podcast,

you can do it from as little as £3 a month. Once you're signed up, you will get the early release of the public episode. At least 24 hours early, you'll get to watch it in video form you can also get discounts on merch discounts on future live shows there's loads of extra little weird stuff we put on there but the big one is the extra episode every week in video and audio form it's like an hour and a half long recently and it's some of our favorite podcasting it's sponsor free we don't have adverts on it it's just me and Adam really letting it loose because it's just for the patrons. It doesn't go out on the normal internet.

And honestly, we've looked around at what other comedians and other podcasts are putting out on their Patreon. This is one of the best deals in a Patreon game. For the equivalent of basically buying me or Adam a pint to say thanks for the pod, you get all of this shit. Sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod.

Really appreciate it. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally? You merely adopted the dark. I was born in it, molded by it. Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? When she pick it up every time she starts to talk, molded by it. Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? When she pick it up every time she starts to talk, give her the dick.

The stuff's dying. She'll be like, hello. What I'm doing? This is when you get it. What I'm doing? Oh, none. Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios, hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England,

these are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube. Ja! Upset me! Don't be a rat. Download, subscribe and tell a friend. It's the one and only. Have a WAD. I don't hate them, I just don't want them in my city.

Yeah, anyway, enough about Jews. Good God. Good God. Oh, welcome to this bonus little episode of... Fucking bored, can't keep us away from our own studio, lad. We just love it here so much. We've invited back our third favourite guest ever. Hang on. Hang on. Can we get a rewind?

Because when I came on, it was the best guest. Yeah, we've had loads since then. Who's better than me? Who do I need to fight? Eshan Akbar. That must be dead racist to him. And that was fun. Okay, no, I won't allow that. He was was as a white woman i will not as a white woman i will not tolerate

as a white woman who's middle class they're a big house in a successful business i feel like i've been really oppressed by society middle class you fucking are hey that's the social what makes your car alexis no i'm'm self-made. That doesn't matter. If I'm not middle class, I've lived in Cape Town up until last year. Yeah, you're from a working class background, but you are middle class now. Do you think your class changes?

Yeah. It does. It's called social mobility. No, you can marry into an upper class or whatever, but you can't... You can't marry into upper class. That's like Prince Harry. It's like we're talking sense and sensibility. One can marry into upper class that's like prince harry it's like we're talking sense and

sensibility one can marry into higher status as she rolls out in a lexus like yeah but otherwise you can't just like buy your way into upper classes because otherwise you're going to be like molly off titanic where everyone's like new money yeah oh yeah you can work your way up into being middle class yeah that's the dream innit I mean yeah I mean working class with money is

you know the big Crosby yeah there's a marina I do have a beach as my back garden yes you're right how many bedrooms you else got

only three shut your mouth there's 14 rooms though 14 rooms oh oh my god I'm sorry tell me shut your mouth there's 14 rooms though 14 rooms oh oh my god

I'm sorry tell me more about the working class life you live only 14 rooms do you realise how far I've got to go to get to the kitchen

from the bedroom it's a fucking nightmare I have to hire a poor person to give me a piggyback in my own house I'm just going to build a new kitchen

come on Yvonne you lazy bitch. I've got to go to the fucking laundry wing. I'm riding, Yvonne. Do you have any help at home? Do you have stuff? I have a cleaner. I did have a cleaner when I lived in County Road, though.

Yeah, I'm thinking of getting a cleaner and a gardener. Oh yeah, gardener, yeah. Because like... I've got the pool boy. Does he count? He does, yeah. It's a northern pool. A northern working class pool.

We dug it out ourselves. My grandad died digging out that fucking swimming pool. Mud and shit and frogs. Oh my God, I've got tears. I do want a gardener though, because my garden just gets overgrown all the time. Yeah, you just need to garden. You have to keep a garden full of plants.

You have to garden. You do. You have to keep... They're fucking weird gardens. Always growing shit. I've left it there exactly as it was two years later. It's all fucked. Amazing.

No, but it goes so quick. Have you not noticed? Like if you don't like keep on top of it. Yeah. Jade's gone now and I'm just watching the garden grow. I'm like, she used to do that because she never fucking told me. Just like, Jade, I think I want you to come back and bring the strimmer. Bring the strimmer.

I miss you and the strimmer so much, babe. Fucking hell. Why did you get back together? The fucking... The shrubs were everywhere. Those weeds weren't picked themselves. Yeah, he's in. Just be unhappy forever and have a really tidy back.

I'm pro-cleaner, though. I'm pro-cleaner because I do stuff around the house. My wife, Laura, do stuff around the house my wife laura does stuff around the house obviously we do it wrong and fuck it up but you're meant to be married and not be like dickhead what's this like if you're paying someone you can be like this isn't good enough if i do that i don't get sex for a month you know what i mean like so i i so i'm not fucking you anymore yvonne yvonne you dirty bitch but I just think I think there's I like the idea

of being like mate I'm paying can you just do this properly it's hard to do that in a relationship could you do that see I'm not I'd struggle with that me

if I had a no if I'd hired a cleaner and it was just a bit off I'd just be like thanks I'll just do that bit I'll just do it myself

what bullshit Adam Rowe just because this is going on YouTube no I wouldn't do that I. What? Bullshit. Adam Rowe, just because this is going on YouTube. No, I wouldn't do that. I'd like, Yvonne, sit down. I'll clean around you. Do you want me to come to your house?

Fucking bullshit. For about two weeks, you'd be the working class good guy. And then you'd be like, Yvonne, you dirty bitch. Get this fucking cleaned up. No, there's a limit. But I think, like, you know, I'd put up with more than you would. I do think that. Because you're a little bit anal aren't you i just i hate that turn of phrase um i've tried it um i just yeah i think if you're paying you need it done properly don't you yeah depends how much

you're paying though steph what have you got you need to know the going rates i mean i had recommend yeah so if i want my house doing top to bottom, it's a fucking tip at the minute as well. Right. Because I keep saying I'm going to do it. How many bedrooms has it got down? Oh, only three. Only three.

But yours has only got three, hasn't it? Yeah. But you've got 14 in total. Yeah. So I've got five in total. Okay. Probably about... Are you giving me...

Is this a quote? I mean, I'm not doing it. It's probably about 40, 50 quid, something like I mean I'm not doing it it's probably like 40 50 quid something like that a week fucking sick for a couple of hours

yeah sign up at patreon.com now I've 10 years signed off I'll get a cleaner there you go oh no that's the way get a cleaner

and be like we'll do your quick advert once a month that's worth 50 quid isn't it I've done that have you I've done that

with Scouse Bird yeah that's amazing scouse bird cleans no oh no you mean all right she's an influencer are you not seeing her selfie videos they're really good because i can't do them can't you no you've talked you've took the piss out of me before because like i've done one because someone asked me to do something and you messaged me and we're like ah it's not as fucking easy as it looks. That doesn't sound like something I'd do. It's some of your pictures on Instagram where you're just doing the cheesy smile.

I feel like. Me? Yeah, you just do it like it. Like, Instagram's a bit more positive than Twitter, isn't it? Yeah. And a lot of people are just like, hey, how you doing, guys? And it's just a bit more positive.

But I'm so used to us ripping the shit out of each other. When I go on Instagram and Adam's just doing a nice smiley face, I'm like, is he on drugs? Adam's never going to be able to do an Instagram post again. Has the shoulder gone out and he's like, fuck off, Joan. It's like, all right. I like it. It's nice.

It's a nice change. I took that selfie in the mirror, didn't I? Is that the one you're talking about? I was just thinking a bit. I was on a night out. I was just pissed. I was in a good mood. And the lighting in the toilet was didn't I? Is that the one you're talking about? I was on a night out. I was just pissed. I was in a good mood. And the lighting in the toilet was fucking spectacular.

Mate, yeah. Nightclub toilets. And hotel toilets as well. The lighting is always amazing. Yeah. That's why there's so many toilets. Mirror, it's basically... How was that disabled toilet for you the other day?

Awful. They don't even think about it in the disabled toilets. They need to see exactly what they're doing make it as lit as possible dear liverpool council i'm disabled and an insta influencer because if they pull the wrong cord the fire service is trying to hold a phone and one of them handles oh we found steph's level Trying to hold a phone and one of them handles. Oh, we found Steph's level. Oh, God. You don't get 14 rooms talking about disabled people.

All right. I love your laugh, you know. Oh, I love you too. It's dead cartoony, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a duck yeah that's become fucking new like every fifth comment on youtube is don't know what the funniest thing is the banter between the lads or adam's mutley laugh it's because i grew up in a house my mom and dad smoked 20 a day each sometimes 30 and never had

the fucking because we were prop we weren't even working class we were benefits class right so there was fucking it was like hey i'm not paying for that fucking class i'm not paying for that fucking eating to be on if that door's open okay okay? So fuck you. So we had to just have boiling heating on, both of them. I'm sat in the middle of them, so there's smoke coming from both sides. I'm watching programmes I shouldn't be watching. Old school rules.

Old school rules. Nothing wrong. Nothing wrong with fags around kids. Did you used to watch Bad Girls? Yeah, remember when he locked it in the fucking gaff? Shirley off EastEnders. Jim Fenner. I was in love with her when I was a kid, you know.

What's her name? What? Shirley off EastEnders? Jim Fenner? I was in love with her when I was a kid. Do you know? What's her name? What? Shirley off EastEnders? No. The other one was in EastEnders. Shirley name was? Oh, yeah. Isn't it Deborah?

Deborah. She's an impressionist as well. Deborah Meaden. Deborah Meaden. Deborah Meaden. But I was in love with her when I was a kid. I was in love with her and Geri Alliwell. Yeah.

Imagine Deborah Meaden. She was my Spice Girl. Geri Alliwell was my Spice Girl. She was a blowjob, wasn't she her and jerry alleywell yeah imagine deborah meaden she was my spice girl jerry alleywell was my spice girl wouldn't she oh yeah what's your say deborah meaden she'd make you like pitch for a blow job do you reckon yeah what am i getting out of this she's obvious time what am i getting out of this i'll do the dishes 20 of the dishes for the rest of my life i'll do them i'll do the fucking cupboard the cupboard will be my responsibility and he 50 grand for you to suck Mandy Who was your Spice Girl? Who did you fancy? Because you've got like

A Spice Girls themed top on I don't know whether That's Derren Brown Pumpkin Spice Geri Halliwell Geri Halliwell Oh my god I'm a Sherry as well

I love Geri Oh my god What in a Just in a fan way Not in a like Young Young No girls

No in a fan way Girls do fancy girls Even on the street So when hot girls Kiss in a nightclub, young, fancy girls. Girls do fancy girls. Oh, so when hot girls kiss in a nightclub, everyone's like, Oh my God, I was way too innocent. No,

but it is a weird little thing, isn't it? Where you're like, but I remember being out. I'm like, Oh my God, the kissing. And then if you saw me and Adam, like have a quick snog on the fucking dance floor,

you're like, you're fucking ruined the whole night. I was talking to someone about this the other day, because one of my exes had a lesbian relationship for a bit before she was with me and I sort of

fucking knocked her back straight mate with me big dick you know what I mean I was talking to someone and they were like imagine like you saying that to a girl

oh yeah I used to suck dick for a bit but you know I'm back on as a JJ now I said that it just doesn't it's not the same.

I know we're supposed to pretend that everything's the same now, but what? I've had an ex. Did that? What, you've had an ex who before he was with you was with a man?

Yeah, and now he's just with men. He went to you, he's like, look, I'll give it a go. Absolutely fucking not. Back to Barry. I tried to knock it out with my wap,

but it wasn't him. You were his vagina holiday. Didn't work. We're all going on a vagina holiday. No more dick and balls for a week or two. I don't know what to press.

Mama like that. Mama like... So how how it is a weird bit of homophobia isn't it on the like anti-gay men homophobia that i don't think now i might be speaking out of turn but i don't think girls women are as at one with oh yeah i used to be i was gay and uh i used to have sex with men i was bisexual but now I want to be into you. I think more women would be like, okay. But I think a lot of lads would be like, tell me more. If a girl was like, how do you sleep with women? Like, go on. I mean, I don't want to go down the whole, you know,

not all men, Bruce here, but generally men are more, have more of a wondering eye than women. So if we've already got to like worry about other women do we really want to be worrying about other men as well that's a great what i mean oh my god this is why we need more female guests in because they give us a perspective that we can't possibly say that is so true i don't trust men i only want you to be able to fuck half the people in the world yeah that just narrows it down not all the people in the world. Yeah. That just narrows it down a bit.

Not all the people in the world. Yeah. Where are you going? Nowhere. You're going somewhere. I don't want to worry about whether they're hanging out on a lad's night out or whether they're hanging out with the birds or whatever.

I'm just with the boys. We're just staying up late. Are you hanging out? I bet you are. Get home now. Are you hanging out on a lad's night out or are you hanging out with a lad on a night out? He was sat on that one

waiting for the guy call me so was I I was like you fucking stole in your lad

I went out with a bisexual girl and it's a really weird thing I was so into her

and it was part of the reason that was all the thing but it is when she checked out other women it was this weird thing that I was so into it and it was part of the reason that was all the thing but it is when she checked out other women

it was this weird thing that I was like I wanted to be into it but in your head you're like but you're mine and she's like oh my god

she's kind of hot now she knew she'd never talk about guys like that but it was quite sexualised and it's the weirdest thing being like upset and aroused

at the same time like oh my god I can't believe tell me more see we've spoken about this before haven't we i'm sure we've had this conversation so like if i was in a relationship with a girl and she come home from a night out and was like look i don't know what to tell you but i had a lot of drink last night and i just end up necking me for hours or another girl i genuinely and maybe it'd be different if it happened i don't

think i'd give a flying fuck I don't and I don't know what it is but if it was a man it would kill me so what you're saying is you don't take women seriously oh yeah it's got your little

day as a pervert that might it's more that do you know weirdly though if that girlfriend left you for a girl yeah rather than left you

for a man I think that would register more like i'm i'm like this is this is me pontificating i'm not sure about this but would it be like hang on like i didn't what you've ended up going with a complete different like flavor no do you know if someone if that's their preference then i'd be like i couldn't possibly have ever been there. Yeah. Oh, okay.

The further away from me it is, the more comfortable I am with the breakup. If she ends up with a black female dwarf, I'm fucking made up, you know what I mean? But you're also a dwarf, aren't you? I'm not a dwarf.

What can she give you that I can't? Well, a blue sticker. A sticker? A fucking sticker. It's a badge sticker. Sticker? Fucking sticker. It's a badge, isn't it? A badge. All right. Yeah, yeah.

A sauce sticker. A blue badge. I think he meant a blue piece of sticker. Because he got mistaken for the kid on the show. That was too far. Oh my God, too far. That's awful. Naughty. Just bad.

No, but do you know what I mean? Upset me, nasty bitch. I wish I wish I was At least bi Or lesbian I wish But being straight

It's an affliction I think Is it? Yeah It's very limiting You've got to deal with men It's good for humanity Yeah

I feel like that brings us nicely On to the reason we're here Because you've been Dealing with a man This We've got to talk about this That has I mean we sort of Like We wanted to talk about this. That has... I mean, we sort of were like,

we wanted to bring it up, but that has maneuvered very nicely into... Nice little segue. We'll give a little bit of context. So for those who are new to the podcast or maybe you've dived in today for whatever reason, Steph is our first repeat guest

and we would have had you back anyway, obviously. The first episode was fucking great. Go and check it out if you haven anyway obviously the first episode was fucking great go and check it out if you haven't it's on the same channel or wherever you've found this um but you've heard something's happened recently that we're we're in talks with netflix and amazon prime for making the documentary and stuff yeah but we just want to get the story across the air and it's to do with a lovely boy you've been seeing what's the title working title of the netflix massive rat it's rudy is his name rudy well no that was just the name he gave me so oh so he told you he was called rudy yeah i mean when i i was seeing

him for like about a month or so and you know i've met him and stuff and everything seemed absolutely fine and i literally said to my mate i was like this lad's amazing he hasn't put a foot wrong where did you meet him twitter oh it's oh that's an unusual that's one of the less known i would never meet all of them on twitter what's that what's that oh right but what's the hierarchy that i feel like insta's more instagram facebook are more geared to romance am i i just've not met anyone on Instagram or Facebook I was about to say you meet people where you work and Steph works on Twitter and I've just realised I've met every girl I've ever

been with for more than like two nights at a comedy club there you go there yeah I've met my wife at a comedy club this is just my office it's the water cooler of my life I met my wife on eBay. She gave me phenomenal feedback

and I knew she was the one. Did you? No. Oh my God. You're a fucking bell. I am fucking mad. What? As an aneurysm.

That's it. Do you know what though? And I hope you don't take this the wrong way. Of all the people in my life. Oh, I'm not happy about this. That that is believable about. I feel like, because you do

do a lot of buying and like if I buy something and I don't end up using it it just gets dusty until it goes in the bin

whereas if you don't you'll put it on eBay and get rid of it and you'll get a bit of your money back and that's just all those

things just lined up in my head and I was like did you sell it at a rug or something that's a reach though isn't it

I don't use eBay but Dan does use eBay so he looks like the type of person that fucks people on eBay. Yeah, he's always selling shit. I thought you bought your wife. Oh, right, okay. That's where I was going with that.

Oh, Dan, Dan. You just beat it on your way. I came with free postage and packaging. Where's she from? You're telling him. No generic for important. You lie. You say you have

14 bedrooms where is Yvonne sounds like Consuela from Family Guy no no he's not here no

you alright you okay I just laughed myself into a bit of dizziness I distracted you so you met on Twitter yeah yeah I a bit of dizziness I distracted you so you met on Twitter yeah yeah I feel like

because I've not heard the story I can hear where did you meet Laura she came to she stalked me did she really on eBay yeah

on eBay yeah she just looked at my star rating and thought this guy knows how to fucking did she actually stalk she stalked me a little bit yeah

and I've been I've been have you never have we never told have you never stalked me before no bit, yeah. And I'd been, have we never told, have you never seen me before? No. Do you know this story? No. No, so she'd seen me at the Nottingham Glee a couple of times,

came two or three times. I was so painfully single. And I was actually like, I told my sister, I was like, I really want to meet someone now because I'm getting more bald and fatter. And this is not easy to be like, oh, one night stand. It was getting weird. And then Laura came along and was like, I really like you,

and we were engaged within about 11 months. Okay. Great. The first thing Laura ever said to me, her mate came up to me after the show and went, right, I'm literally bored of hearing about this. She really likes you. You're single.

And Laura went, awkwardly went, you should just marry me or single. And Laura went, awkwardly went, you should just marry me or something. And I fucking did. Like a dickhead. You should just marry me or something. She's the best. It was the easiest decision ever.

And I'm, you know, when you watch films and everyone's like, I'm going to win you over. I've never been one for that. I want a girl to be like, yeah, I think you're great. I'm such a narcissist that I can't chase. Like I want a girl to be like yeah i think you're great i'm such a narcissist that i can't chase like i want a girl to be like a woman to be like i think you're brilliant you think i'm brilliant just makes it easier so when she was like you're great brilliant well i've been painfully single and you're wonderful so that would be a very nice six and a half years have you seen the amount we will get back to you in a second have you seen

the amount of comments who have got this there's about six or seven comments on the mental health episode who are like fully invested in this girl who's dying surviving and me becoming a stepdad to her kids oh my god you don't know you don't know the story do you so there's on the mental health episode we did recently there's a girl who I know who has found out basically she could die next week

or in a year she's got a cyst they can't do anything about it and she's fucked and she's asked me to sleep with her because she was like a gym will fix it

well not gym will fix it but like make a wish sort of like a bucket list yeah oh that's horrible I know what I done, dude. Yeah, she's asked me and I'm like,

because she's like, look, all the lads in my life have asked them and they're scared of shagging me and I die, Jordan. So I want you to do it. And I was like, not really sure. But the amount of comments who are like, imagine this, two years go by and COVID's gone. She's survived and they're engaged.

She's pregnant with one of Adam's children and he's an amazing stepdad. That's the dream. There's like six or seven comments along those lines and they're engaged. She's pregnant with one of Adam's children. He's an amazing stepdad. That's the dream. There's like six or seven comments along those lines. And it's terrifying. Carry on. So you met on eBay. I'm fucking a dying girl.

Tell us about Rudy. How's your life been? Yeah. So, yeah. So anyway. Look at her trying to process what she's just learned. It's a lot, innit? A lot, yeah. Okay. So I'm just going to park that for what she just said Sorry, it's a lot innit A lot, yeah

Okay, so I'm just going to park that Yeah, yeah, yeah So anyway, yeah, the first sort of like month or so Everything was great, he was wonderful And I literally said to my mates, this lad hasn't put a foot wrong Then He started to put a foot wrong How often were you seeing

So that month, you met You went on a few dates i think i've seen a couple of times i think i saw him three times in total because after the third time that's when shit really started like not adding up if you know what i mean so within that month you see each other three times you're not going to him he's not coming to you you're sort of meeting up somewhere he's coming to me i never went to him oh okay i never found out where he lived right that way all right okay so after a while stuff just started like not adding up and i was a bit like he's lying about something but i can't quite put my finger on it it's not something i can prove he's either like got a beard or he's lying about his job what made you think

is this just intuition that all you women claim to have? A little bit of that, but just like these slight inconsistencies. Like he'd say he was available and then I'd say, all right, well, we'll go out then. And then he'd be like suddenly like not available. And he just seemed to be like, like he said that he'd split up with his wife a year ago

while he had cancer. And spoiler alert, he never had cancer. But he said he'd got into remission in january and then he'd sort of been single and that so but his wife never seemed to have the child like he always had the child he's supposed to share custody but he seemed to have the child every single night i was going does the mom you're like what an amazing dad no it wasn't i was like does she not does she not miss her mom and he was like what's wrong with this kid i can't i can't do that night because i've got the kid i've got the kid exactly exactly there was a lot of that and

like a lot of being away with work and that by the way where he said he worked he said he was a coach for man city okay so he's a cancer survivor, divorced, and a coach from Man City. Yeah. Okay, this is all fun. Did he say, like, what level of coach he was? Was he, like, a youth coach

or was he part of the first team? Part of the first team. The first team. Yeah. Were you not watching Man City games and looking at the bench, like, where's Rudy? He's probably got his kid.

He's probably got his kid. We're playing Arsenal. Oh, sorry, guys. Childcare childcare innit but it was so believable because he never ever used to like name drop

any like the big people he'd just talk about you know the people that he was mates with and work and stuff like that it was just really like detailed and believable

and like even when he was away he'd send me pictures in the ground and like the ground would be empty and there'd be people wearing masks so you knew it was like

he just did a stadium tour and took a load of selfies no he wasn't he's a fucking genius hang on let me change my shirt the ground would be empty and there'd be people wearing masks so you knew it was like I'm talking about the staff no it wasn't let me change my shirt people with masks so it had to be during the Covid times and stuff so I was like okay well it's all closed you can still do stadium tours now

I suspect it's actually one of his mates who works there but that's but it's good detail though if you're building a lie really detailed and I mean he had an answer for absolutely everything of his mates who works there but that's but it's good detail though if you're building a lie really detailed and i mean he had an answer for absolutely everything um and then he was away with portugal while he were training with the champions league right um he was away with portugal he was in portugal with the team in portugal yeah they were doing the champions league shit in portugal

and then i rang him. There was a UK dial tone. And I was like, hey, why have you got a UK dial tone? And he said, oh, I've got one of those international SIM cards. It doesn't change no matter where you go and that. And I was like. Can we just park the bus for a second? Okay. If you rang someone, right, would you have the forensic mind to be like, that's not a Portuguese dial tone?

Because this is... To be fair, I don't think you have to be like mental conspiracy theorist. If you're used to speaking to people from abroad, I only know it the other way, where you ring a mate. I rang Brennan Rees, who's been on the podcast. Totally forgot he was in my yorker and i'm such an old school betland that as soon as i hear yeah exactly it's gonna cost me loads of money and it probably doesn't i've probably got a uk a european tariff but i panic and put

the phone down because in my head it's going to cost anywhere else in the world you have the international dial tone which is like the boom it like, it sounds like they've hung up, but then it stops and then it starts again. Yeah, exactly. Is that right? But you don't get the UK dial tone? I wouldn't even know.

I think it, like when I, because I've seen bits of this on your Instagram story, Dan's seen absolutely fuck all. And when you said that, I was like, Jesus Christ,

I hope I never piss Steph off. I put it up there as a warning to all of the men. Just don't fucking mess with me. You said it was high tide where you were meant to be well i've got the fucking tides out liar i would not put that past all right i like it right i like it so but i don't i don't do this on like every man i don't sort of like deep dive into every man's past it's only when you know something's not adding up it's almost like it's only when he says he, Sutton's not adding up. It's almost like... It's only when he says he's got his kid for the third day in a row,

that's when you go fucking mental. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. Listen, he has his kid every fucking time for about three months nearly. Yeah, dads are well known for having three months, like when you've got your kid. We do three months off and three months on.

Yeah, exactly. It's not fucking the kid up at all so um yeah so he has a uk dial tone i was like why have you got that and he went i've got this international sim cards i was like clever lie but you're on gif gaff because i've run and it's gone through i'm on international gif gaff well yeah and i said i said i've just been on the gif gaff websites and they don't actually seem to do those sim cards can you point me to where it is and he just sent me the normal sim card but you can use it internationally i was like yeah you'd still have like an international dial tone though and he

i don't know it was one of the girls in where who does all the players sim cards she sorted out if you're asking that question though you must be like you feel like do you feel like you're pulling in the lie yeah because that's because i was like i just could you show me where on the gif gaf website is this when you knew because obviously you had a suspicion is this when you were like yeah nailed on yeah yeah yeah yeah this was it now so i just thought okay babe that's great you go about your day and then so then i did a little bit of digging and there's some websites that you can go on and i'm not going to disclose them because is it legal i don't know

but um you can put somebody's phone number in for example and it'll tell you at least whether they're in the uk or they're roman because it just tells you from the network and it came up that he wasn't roman so then there's this other thing you can do, which is called like an IP trace. Never fuck Steph off. Never piss this woman off. Well, you can basically get like a legitimate website, like a normal website somewhere. And you can put like a tracking link on there.

And again, I'm not going to disclose it. You can Google it yourselves. And if they click on that link, it will tell you then where they've clicked from and if they're on like 3g or 4g it can ping anywhere in the country it'll get the country but it could ping in like peterborough or somewhere like that but if they're on wi-fi it will ping to the local exchange so it's accurate up to five kilometers okay i'm gonna tell you right now if i start seeing someone and they send me a link that i don't really know about, I'm never clicking it ever.

Oh, look at this funny picture, babe. They might click on it and it'll just go through to the Scouse Bear website or something like that. They'd never know. It's just, you know, there's a tracker behind it. How does anyone have an affair these days? Back in my dad's day... You're not having an affair with me, that's for sure.

Back in the 80s, you could be like, oh, I'm away for business. Back in the day, you had to go to this next suburb and you'd never be caught. If you went to the next postcode number up, if I went from L12 to L13, I was fucking sorted. They don't go to the same as there. They don't go to the same pub every time. That's amazing.

Exactly. Nowadays, we're pinging. That's in the 70s. We just had it with everyone and then when they got caught it was like oh come on I'm a man

what do you expect get in the kitchen nowadays I'm not the kitchen she's in the nowadays we're pinging so he told me

he lived in Didsbury right affluent area Manchester fair enough and he but so then these ping first of all during the day it pinged to this

place near bolton and i was going that's not portugal and then it's not even fucking didsbury is it later on that night it pinged to somewhere closer to charlie i was like babe what what what network what wi-fi you want at home mine's a bit shit so i'm looking to change he went virgin i went yeah i fucking thought so because it was pinging to virgin media and then so i just sort of sent him a message i was going right okay you're not in portugal because i've got all this information and blah blah blah and he was just like i can't believe you would go to those lengths how dare you say that i'm lying i am here and all this but but you know could you've said video call me right now and show me something Portuguese?

I don't know what would look Portuguese. Well, I know. There's a Nando's there. Look. Ah, don't you look at the head now. That's what you would do. That's what any normal person who wasn't lying would do.

They just FaceTime you and go, what are you on about, you stupid cow? Mate, have a look at this coastline. Yeah. That beach. Costa del Bolso. Yeah.

It's Rivington. It's a hotel he was in and all this sort of stuff. And like he had answers for everything. look at this coastline yeah that that beach costa del balto yeah because i didn't even know what hotel he was in and all this sort of stuff and like he had answers for everything he showed me a picture of like the beach that he was at and i was going is that this guy's a good liar isn't he oh he's he is very good he's leveled up yeah this is you're not the first yeah you're not the first person he's lied to this is champions league liar see i already know what's coming and this we're about eight percent into this i'm loving it i'm loving it i know everyone's listening go on anyway like after a few days and that he sort of um he came back to me and apologized like i'm so sorry for everything i said why do you think we're not together and he went because you think i've lied to you and

i was like have you and he went no i haven't I'll get you these hotel receipts I'll get you this I'll get you that I bought Cora like a little Portuguese snow globe yeah yeah everything like that and then anyway I went away on holiday and we were talking on holiday oh yeah that was it I got me mate to ring Man City and ask for him of course they'd not heard what's the fucking phone number you can't just ring man city you absolutely can just ring man city you can ring man city and go it's pep guardiola there or if not obviously they're not gonna put you through to pep two second love i'll put you through pep but you know they can get a message to them or you know something like that they're like right we've got no one on our database so we um so we tried emailing them no one in the day so you say

he's a good liar and you say he's a good liar but if i was gonna do this i would have googled the coaching team of man city found one that doesn't have a picture online and used that name do you know what I mean you could have at least you know that's a that's a faux pas that or just don't say Man City and just say a generic company I suppose look Steph is a very successful

person he's trying to be like look I'm successful too don't worry I'm not going to be intimidated by you and your I coach Manchester I coach Portugal that's kind of like one of the things that attracted me to him

yeah you don't want to go I actually am one of the trainers for Bolton Wanderers the shit that I have to go through and then if you ring Bolton you're like

can I speak to so and so and your training department are like we don't have a training department love it's Bolton Wanderers we haven't had one

for four years we just go for Run Round Park. Right, okay, God. Donald Duck's back. I love it. Poor old Bolton getting shat all over. I think they're gone now, aren't they? That was the clubby supporters, actually, funnily enough.

You what? That was the clubby supporters. Bolton? Yeah, he had like a tattoo as he actually got the tattoo though or did he get it off like a pack of fucking fake ciggies and he's just walking in on so where were we up to yeah so he's man city yeah yeah so that's that then anyway we kind of like said look it is you just reception i'm gonna put you through to me you know because it's like ringing up and try asking to speak to pep and like that and i was

like okay well whatever and he was like so i said i said look i'll be mates with you episode but i'm not getting with you unless you know you can sort of prove like i want to come to your house i want to stay over at your house or you stay at mine or something like that to prove that you're not with someone because at this point i was only seeing him during like the day and stuff and i was like it's a bit suspect at this point yeah more than a bit suspect and that and then um so he'd arranged to take me out for dinner on in manchester and i would stay at his on the wednesday on the friday i'd been out with my mate jamie just to run the thing on tuesday he said somebody anonymously had got in touch with them and said that they'd seen me and jamie necking all over

the restaurants and stuff like that that seems just like something you'd do that totally yeah totally something i would do but there are people out there who would make shit up like that about me okay yeah so i know of people you've got enemies definitely do that yeah so i i actually believe that that was bullshit as well he made that up that's a little bit of old gaslighting oh god oh you're chasing me down well let me fuck you up yeah okay yeah so that was how he got out of like the date so every time we had like a date planned in the night there would be either a massive argument or something that he would engineer or his dad would have a heart attack or something like that so anyway he ends up telling me his address and at this point i'm like i really don't believe a word you're saying so i looked up

the address on google maps and i went on google street view and i was like are you sure that's your address he went oh no that's my mom and dad's address and i went okay so what's your address then um and he'd be like it's this one i said that's definitely your address said because it doesn't really match the photos you've shown me because he'd show me pictures of him in the garden and there'd be houses in the back but this house didn't have houses at the back and stuff and i was just like he's a shit liar him you know it got to the point where he's been relegated it was really starting to unravel faster than that he's never he's a shit liar him you know it got to the point where he's been relegated he was really starting to unravel fast and that he's never he's never tried to date someone who has the internet apparently well i'm from lancashire usually people don't have the internet and chase me down

so then what is google somebody on twitter um said just put this tweet up and put oh my god i can't believe what i've just heard about someone on here what a dirty dick and i thought and it was someone that he talks to some lad and i said oh have you seen this said it better not be you and he was like oh don't be soft course not me i'll find out who it is and that and then i asked somebody else did they know who it was and they sent me his profile and said yeah he's been in all these girls dms and i was like was and it was him yeah it was him and so i confronted him about it he said it's not me it's not me it's people have got the wrong end of the stick and i was like um no and then somebody else started saying oh somebody else quote tweeted me and said i've

heard your boyfriends in all of these girls dms and then i said yeah i'm not really sticking around to be sort of humiliated any longer and he sort of went I said can I just ask you though were you in Portugal and he was like yeah do you work for Man City yeah is this your address yeah do you want to have another think about that

and he was like yeah it is and I went when did you buy it and he just blocked me because he told me he bought it last year but this house also hadn't been sold since like 2005 because you can check that out. Oh my God, it's a blister! Fucking hell! Your dental records tell a different fucking story.

Bite an apple and send me a picture, because I've got this. Yvonne's printing out your birth certificate right now. If I could just fucking shout it, she's at the other side of the house so all these other girls then started getting in touch oh because so you'd gone this is now so he's been now outed on twitter so then all these other girls started getting in touch and he was in a like proper face-to-face relationship with me but he was in sort of like an online

only text relationship with about five other girls. What the fuck is an online-only text relationship? Well, you know the excuses that he was making for me? Yeah. Where he was like, I can't see you because of such and such and such and such. It's just he'd been able to get away with it a bit more with these other girls. So he was saying he was in love with them.

They hadn't met. I've got a question that I need answering here. Yeah. What is he getting out of that? I don't met her. I've got a question that I need answering here. Yeah. What is he getting out of that? I don't fucking know. Is he just... Was he sending, like, dirty pictures and getting them back or something and that's enough for him?

Possibly. Maybe. Is he addicted... He must be addicted to the validation of getting that little... Oh, 100%, yeah. So he's got, like, a tier system. You were second tier. These girls are just, like, lower tier.

Yeah, he's got a wife. Yeah. I'm gone. Dan doesn't know this bit yet. Don't be doing spoilers oh shit yeah oh fuck yeah oh I thought you were

I'm third tier oh my god what keep going keep going I don't even know that bit keep going so the spoiler there yeah I knew

I think oh she just came I just did I just definitely heard him spaff he'd know if he'd come because he'd kick the table he loses control of his legs when he comes I just did I definitely had him spaffed he'd know if he'd come because he'd kick the table he loses control

of his legs when he comes I just did and go oh he's getting close keep going so then we started

having like a thing and we I'd never been able to find any records of him his name on any like electoral roll

or anything like that the electoral roll what didn't you check oh my god I've ranked Scottish Power to Man where I've heard of him, his name, on any electoral roll or anything like that. The electoral roll? What didn't you check? Oh, my God. I've rang Scottish Power to Man. Where have they ever got a fucking clue who you are, kid? MI5, MI6, Al-Qaeda weren't any fucking help. I'm sorry, we don't even know him.

He was in love with about five or six girls. Of course he was. With me, blah, blah, blah. And then he must have slid into the DMs and asked on a date upwards of 70 other girls whoa so he told you he was in love with you and he'd met you

three times yeah yeah so do you know when they say red flag this is a red flag that when you light it on fire

blows off red flame yeah yeah yeah oh I mean he was just he was just made of red flags that was his whole wardrobe he must have been he must have had

like charisma though he must have been been he must have had like charisma though he must have been like he must have had Sutton I mean credit where it's due he had a big dick erm with a red flag draped on it

just fat yeah red flag flapping off his big dick erm credit where it's due no to be fair like

he did lie to me he doesn't work for Man City he's never been to Portugal but credit where it's due the dick was real say what you want about he did not lie about that that was the picture he sent me

really it did exactly what it said on the tin everything gets right Hitler was a nightmare massive cock to be fair the vein is exactly where it looks like it is on this picture the scar is exactly there he's like it is on this picture the scar is exactly there

he's circumcised i can't fault him on his dick pics oh god so so there was one person on twitter who i knew knew him in real life and she said he said that she was his best mate so i sort of tagged him and went you best tell your mate not to show his face on here again. One of the other girls started speaking to her and then she got introduced to like another person who knew him in real life. And we found out that not only was he still with the person that he said he'd split up with a year ago,

but they were married as well. So then we found her on Facebook and then from that, we managed to find his real name then i found him on the electoral roll then i found his mum and dad's address so if i need to write to his mum i might write i might tell his mum yeah i might tell his mum off because he's been a very naughty boy dear barbara who the fuck did you raise i told so then i contacted his wife and told his wife everything oh how did you do how did you do that i'll contact her on facebook and got her to ring me right so i was on the phone for a good she rang she rang

yeah and he tried to i said um i told her what had happened and she was like can you say that a bit louder because he's here and i was like oh hi rudy i bet you didn't think you'd hear from me again seeing she'd give me a fake name but bitch it's a skull spurs how did you feel like messaging you was your adrenaline up or were you like just this needs to be i were you like i feel like i can probably answer that for her i feel you were reveling in that power at that point oh i was so relieved and vindicated that i wasn't going for her mental for the past few months because i was like i knew he was lying but he just gaslighting yeah and i'm not i was i was drawn in a little bit but i've kind of dealt with someone like this before so i was had a level of immunity to it but um yeah so i told her everything she had no idea the day i rang her it was her fifth wedding anniversary oh my god god yeah she was

absolutely lovely by the way like a genuinely lovely lovely girl and he was he was on the phone going who are you who who are you and i went listen i said mate the jig's up said i've got screenshots thingy's got screenshots other one's got screenshots we've all got screenshots it's done you're over you've caught you've been caught out type of thing then that was that and then i did my instagram stories and then another girl got in touch with me and said it's not this is it? Turns out she's been his girlfriend for the past two years as well. Oh. I was 30.

What? Now I've come. Was it Carl? So there was wife, girlfriends of two years, me, then everyone else. These are people like, oh, so these are people's lives. He's fucking up yeah like for you it's three dates in a month yeah for that girl it's it's five years of marriage and then god knows how much 10 years yeah 10 and then two two years at a certain age yeah you're like when you

when you because a lot of a relationship past a certain point in your life is building towards you're building towards something you're robbing people of time yeah even some of the girls that are like that hadn't yet met him but they'd just been in the sort of the thingy relationship with the online only relationship with he's that good and that convincing that sort of seemingly sweet and lovely they were genuinely gutted and i mean proper like more so than me because like i say i've been through it before so i could kind of almost see myself above it and think i can kind of see what's happening here that's the word yeah i would see this thing there's narcissists people with narcissistic personality disorder the sociopaths and the pathological liars and they've all got very similar traits i feel he's pathological liar which is the least bad of the three but he's still

like a fucker because the other two can be quite nasty and almost violent as well but i don't think you'd get the violence from him i think it's just like the lies and that but there's so many of them out there like so many girls got in touch with me and was like can i just ask this i've been through this this this is this the guy and was showing me these like a variety of men i was going no no they're just textbook they operate in the exact same way they've got like a drag net in that they're just throwing out nets in their life like they've got a life they're married for whatever reason is it a power thing a validation thing to just go i'm just gonna try empty inside they don't they don't think like a spider's web on the internet nothing matters

apart from them and how they feel and they're just an empty fucking void and they try to take from genuine people because they they're not genuine themselves you know they want what they haven't got what does that give for you because the whole thing about being in a like a relationship obviously there's the stuff for you you know it's nice to have someone that loves you and you know like having a mate and everything but a lot of the things you get back is the companionship yeah where you get the validation of being like i'm making your life better if you're if you're under all of it you know you're fucking people up how does that not make you you're coming from it at it from a normal person's point of view and these people aren't normal they've got

it it's not even like a mental illness let's stop kink shaming actually because that's really bad in 2020 that's not what this podcast here for okay we're happy to let you vent and get it out but let's not judge anyone for being who they are he's got to live his truth as much as you are that's so 2020 oh my god that is so like bigamist i would not have a problem if he was living his truth yeah yeah but the lies are his truth you just don't understand right how have you got so much time this is what i don't know because he was texting me constantly like he never left me alone but then all the other girls that i've spoken to have said exactly the same thing so with the long texts or with the short ones long yeah i'd facetime him

overnight and everything like that and i'd say i said this to his wife i said i facetimed him purposely when he was at home on a night to check that he was on his own and she's like that's probably when i was bathing my little girl or something like that upset me nothing but he's got a girlfriend as well she was gonna do got to do that. And can we just... Rudy, you fucking rat. Let's just circle back to the fact that he said he had cancer for three years,

and again, this was a sympathy thing, and there was one girl that he just started talking to, and her uncle had died of cancer, and that was his in. He was like, I can understand it because blah, blah, blah, and that's how he got in.

Disgusting! Ugh! It's disgusting. It's despicable. But there are these people out there and you need... Such a good tactic though, innit? Yeah. Like, it's fuck...

Like, to be like, oh, look, I'm flirting with you and it's just about you. And, oh, no, I coach for Man City. And, yeah, everything... No, I'm fine. I'm going to Portugal because I'm a coach for Man City. But at the same time as successful and handsome and look at my big veiny dick as all as good as all that is I have also overcome cancer so you can also feel sorry for me it's so it's so it's

like he's read a book on how to trick women into loving him yeah 100% is he more productive I believe from what I've heard from the people who know him in real life, that this isn't the first group of girls that he's done this to. Like, he seems to... Oh, this is second generation. And even the girl that he said was his best mate is actually... He's her boss and she's terrified of him. Like, he's sexually harassing her.

Does she coach the youth team, yeah? Good, I like it. Works for a well-known glasses company. Specsavers. I mean, if you want to give them free advertising. It's not advertising. Don't buy from fucking... With his wife?

Yeah. That's fucking mad, isn't it? I've FaceTimed the kids. Is it like 40-hour days? You've what? I've FaceTimed the kids. I've spoken to hours a day? You've what? I've FaceTimed the kids. I've spoken to the kids on FaceTime and everything. Oh my God.

And he used to send me pictures. Who did the kid think you were? I don't know. Just probably someone from work. No? This is what I was saying to the wife. I was going, this is what he's used your child to pick up women.

He's used cancer to pick up women. He's used the fact his dad has a heart attack. He's like, his dad's never had a heart attack. And I was like... What? So where is she at this point? Because I'm now... Like, you're clearly doing all right.

I'm now a bit worried about wife. I don't know. Because this is her fucking proper life, isn't it? I've given her the information. You can't fix her. Yeah, that's not your job. I suspect she'll probably stay with him this time because it'll because i know how convincing he can be and he

if this is the first time she's found out about this which it seems like it was then it'll be the easiest time for him to convince her that if he can't convince that he didn't do it it'll be easy for him to convince her that he won't do it again. He's made a mistake. He's changed. But he absolutely 100% will do it again. I've made 75 mistakes. Because he's got something wrong in his brain. But I'll never make 76, baby.

Get into the end of your drive and test like, look, I know there's 87 minors there, but no majors. So, yeah. I mean, technically, there's a few majors. Oh, my God. So, yeah, so that's my very own netflix dirty rudy documentary and you've been selling your socks on the internet yeah a busy few weeks since you were here i wondered what had gone on because there was a point on your instagram and twitter where i felt like apologizing for

something i didn't know i'd done I was like I am so sorry for every one of us that have ever had a dick or like I'd show you should apology not accepted alright okay good because I was like god we are awful what have we done do you know how I know a man's lying because he's fucking breathing

and I'm pinging him on fucking gif gaff where the fuck are you Dan who's your wifi with him I don't know when she was talking'm pinging him on fucking GIFGAF. Where the fuck are you, Dan? Who's your Wi-Fi with him at? I don't know. When she was talking about pinging on GIFGAF, I nearly started listening to Serial again, you know? I did.

Adnan Syed killed someone. This guy, he's got murder in him. I swear to God. Like, to get out of something, he'd kill someone, I reckon. Possibly. Yeah. No, but that's not what you're saying, is it? It's not the...

He just wants to lie. He's not a sociopath. No, but he not What you're saying is it It's not the He just wants to lie Yeah He's not a sociopath No but he also Wants to get away with it I think Like look I don't know

I wouldn't put it past him But if you'd have Confronted him I don't feel Like violently threatened By him for example I think if you'd have Confronted him

In private In person He could Like the fight or flight Could have set in And if you were like I'm telling your wife Yeah yeah maybe Things could have Got very dangerous there you were like I'm telling your wife yeah yeah maybe

things could have gone very dangerous there I think he's the liar that it would be a mate you could literally have all the women surrounding him in a circle

he'd be like Rudy or whatever the fuck your name is they're all here and we've got everyone's got the screenshots and he'd be like no they've not

it's a different person I think he's just one of them he'd just lie and lie and lie and lie big shaggy fan wasn't me it wasn't me yeah even when I was literally on the phone we've got another screenshot It's a different person. I think he's just one of them. He just lie and lie and lie. Big shaggy fan. Wasn't me.

It wasn't me. Yeah, even when I was literally on the phone to his wife, he was still trying to lie and say that. But she wasn't scared of him. No. So that's, that made, she was like, he's here. Yeah. But she didn't sound scared or anything. No, no, she was dead calm all the way through.

Like I say, she's lovely. Most people get murdered by someone they know. And his girlfriend's lovely as well. It's always about murder with Adam. He's like, yeah, he's definitely a bit stabby though. Could be. Most people get murdered by someone they know and it's because they trust them

because they don't seem too stabby. Have you not seen that American murder house thing on documentary, that new one that's come out with the fella who's carrying on? I mean, I don't... Yeah, Laura told me about it. Yeah. Yeah. You'd never suspect. documentary that new one that's come out with the fella was carrying on i mean i don't yeah laura told laura told me about it yeah yeah it's never suspect it's not a million miles off no yeah did you say most people get murdered by someone they know most people who get murdered

yeah 51 of people die by murder by someone you know i honestly feel this is how like i've heard some stories on this we've just that is a nearly 40 minute story yeah and sometimes with adam he can't get to the end of a three minute story for me and he was in the whole fucking time and i'm at the point where if you had to tell me that that hadn't recorded and we had to do that again i'd be like absolutely fine let's do it all again i got a few questions jesus christ and you're are you all right yeah i'm okay honestly i'm fine like i say i've been through it before had i not been through it once before with someone who's a little bit more nasty um i'd have been in a mess and that's what i was angry about because i was like i could cope with it because i'd done it before but there's so many other girls wait hang on right

just once you've been through something similar before with someone who was more nasty yeah that's why i said i know stick around till after the advert break guys we're going to delve right into that one i'd rather not let's not because i don't think the view holy shit shall we have a little little two minutes let's have an adverpary I just need to check my gift card I'm changing my fucking number You're not in Portugal I'm gonna start sending you links Adam

Find out where you are I'm never clicking anything from you Within a five kilometre radius Order Order Order Like John Bercow says if you'd like to order some merchandise get to have a word pod.com for the old motherfuckers that's www.haveawordpod.com

get yourself some t-shirts hoodies support the podcast there's loads of other stuff up there go and have a look at the website haveawordpod.com uh thank you what a fair section that was um i've got some stuff prepped but something that I know our listeners are going to want to just before we get into this just something else

you've not got another game I haven't got another game no but that was boss last time if you haven't

listened to the first episode or watched it you should go back and watch it what was it about 78 or 79 it was episode 80 was it

it was episode 80 I know that because I had to put it on the manscape thing so It was episode 80 Was it? It was episode 80 I know that because I had to put it on the Manscaped thing So We put the male grooming products Advert on your episode I thought you'd shaved 80 into your pubes

I have Okay Well it's me told Well with Manscaped's Precision engineering products You can shave any number Into any form of pubic hair And you can get discounts

At manscaped.com with the promo code word um so smooth smooth like your balls like me balls i don't go totally smooth i just go close the girls like that like totally smooth or i mean it's more pleasant when you put it in your mouth. Yeah. Oh, hang on. I smooth my balls, but the area above it, you look like a fucking Ken doll if you go completely bit there. You need a bit of roughage.

Well, apparently some men do shave that bit because it makes it look bigger. Yeah. Maybe you don't need that. Because if I do that, it's going to terrify women. Have you ever had to shave your actual dick? Yeah. Oh, you have to shave your shaft. I'm getting hairs.

What? I'm getting a hairy shaft. I'm telling you right now, I don't know what men you've been with, but the Lions, yeah, men shave their dick. You've got a hairy shaft. No, just a few strays. Steph, it's really bad.

My little, you know, there's like the dick and then the shaft, just here as it joins it's growing a little beard it's a few like you're like you know like an old nana who's no one's looking after

at the old people's home and she's got like hello love thanks for visiting me like me when I don't pluck do you know like one of the older smurfs you know the beard

that they have just the little triangle thing is your dick blue at the moment it is it depends how much I've been using how much of a nonce would you be

if you were like alright what's your dick called it's called Papa Smith you never have to just get a couple off your dick a hairy shaft that's weird no it's not hairy

and he looks like a hairy man as well yeah with your Spanish heritage do you know what it is my dick isn't hairy it's just got a few eyelashes right

yeah his dick is like an Instagram photo at what point at what part of the shaft Do you know what it is? My dick isn't hairy. It's just got a few eyelashes. Right. Yeah. His dick is like an Instagram photo. At what point? At what part of the shaft? So like... Oh yeah, is this... If it's up here, then... No, it's not up here.

It's like, there'll be like a few there and then there'll be like one and two. Like there. Oh no, no, no. Mine are higher up. Carl, was that the scale then? Mine are no higher. Mine are like...

Part of the shaft? Mine are like in the bottom then? Mine are no higher. Part of the shaft. Mine are like in the bottom third. In the bottom third. We hit the top didn't we? Yeah. Fight and relegation.

Okay. Mine are Europa. And it's really off-putting. If we lick the tip we're not getting it in our teeth is what you're saying.

If you are. If you lick the tip you're not getting it in your teeth. No and I keep myself nice and presented with the products from

manscaped.com have you struck a secret deal with them i shave my dick i shave everyone's dick i shave my dance dick with manscaped.com 30 off when you shave your dad's dick i tell you what i really love by the way from manscaped and I'm so I don't even mean to be doing this but I we so we were sponsored

by Manscaped they sent me oh yeah really a razor each a pair of undies each yeah and some ball deodorant

have you used the ball deodorant no oh my god you know like you know at the end of the day every now and then you've had a long day you've been walking

you've been shopping and you've just got a little bit of ball sweat you've got ball deodorant maybe you smell yes you've got a fresh gooch you've been walking, you've been shopping and you've just got a little bit of ball sweat. That ball deodorant means you smell fucking fresh. Yes, you've got a fresh gooch at nine o'clock at night. Get a fucking shower. Just when you have to like... I do get a shower.

Shut up, Carl. Showers aren't sponsoring us. This episode is brought to you by hot water. Let it fall on your body. Get 30% off at United Utilities. I am at Hot Water Comedy Club tonight and tomorrow with this episode going out on Friday. I'm there tonight and tomorrow.

I think there's some tickets left. That's his ATT. And also... Let Hot Water... I'm at Hot Water. Can I just give a shout out to Mazkio Clothing who sent me this full tracksuit on Instagram for free. I actually really like that tracksuit.

Didn't I comment on that as soon as you came in? Because it was slightly grey right okay anyone else you want to hot you can see your nips anyone else they're freshly shaved freshly what United Utilities

is there anything else do you want to with a cordial what cordial are you drinking oh no that's Asda's own shit so what were we talking about Do you want the cordial? What cordial are you drinking? Oh, no, that's Asda's own. Oh, they're not sponsoring shit. What were we talking about? You've been selling stuff, haven't you?

You've been selling stuff online. When you came to... So, the Secret Sunday gig, which is this Sunday, sold out, no one can come. I've been selling a lot of stuff online. Can you be more specific? No, the dirty stuff. Okay. So, the Secret Sunday gig gig which is this sunday

it's been sold out for a while if you want to do a future one try and figure out how to come it's very easy but you do have to try and figure it out he's so annoying with this and it works because people are like but you don't understand it and then i'm like i don't want you to it's a weird little thing but it's working because it's always sold out a month before it's happening this sunday's lineups fucking sick as well I can't wait to post pictures of it. But you came to the first one. I did. You did.

And you're going to come down again this week. For the business meeting. For the business meeting. The official conference business meeting. Not a comedy night because that would be illegal.

It's a business meeting. We're all talking about how to go forward with projectable, movables, and variables, and laughter. Yeah.

That's just great bullshit. That was like man city trainer level of bullshit well when you were there you told me and then i told the whole audience with your permission that you've like because scouse bird shop yeah has been doing amazing work for a while now and yesterday you found out you hit a fucking ridiculous milestone i did yeah what tell people what it was i checked what my sales have been since sort of like doing the shop properly and i've just hit a million pounds here and over that's fucking unbelievable i was like oh my god so amazing tell us the website again because scousebeardshop.com scousebeardshop.com and buy this pumpkin spice there's so much good stuff i wish because you you sent me something last year but i wish there was more stuff for men because i like your stuff

but i'm like i'm not girly enough for that yeah maybe in a few years towards women but we are moving to the city center yeah early next year so I will be expanding there's a lot of footy stuff is there a lot of footy stuff? there's key rings and everything are you the only business in the UK who's like we are getting bigger and we need a place on the high street every other high street shop is like

we can't keep open I'm not going to lie, 2020 for me professionally has been great personally, not so much. Same. But yeah. At this place. Yeah. I thought you were pointing at me

and you've forgotten to use your finger. I thought you meant to go, yeah, you. I was like, Adam, need to just stretch that one out, babe. Well, I put on Twitter yesterday that, because we launched this podcast in january which seems like it was about 10 years ago doesn't it just yeah um and then in april we were dead excited because we've been doing a podcast every day and that really like snowballed our download numbers and it meant that in april we hit 100 000 downloads but it wasn't like we had

20 000 listeners it was just that we had 2 000 people who were listening to it every fucking day and that got us to there but now we only do one public one a week and we found out yesterday that we've done a hundred thousand downloads in the last month alone and people messaged us and were like do you think the lockdown helped it and i was like yeah i do like i know it's been awful and i'm not saying i'm glad people's nans have died but you know what you've got to put a price on life and we're doing all right well yeah i well yeah at the end of the day I was before I had the physical shop

I was just online so I've been doing it online only so when the shop closed we just switched back to online and because everybody was sat at home like bored and stuff they were actually ordering more

yeah during lockdown a lot of the Spanish cleaning products we couldn't get them in fast enough because people were just cleaning their houses they're very popular aren't they the Spanish cleaning stuff

if you take away going out and restaurants and everything yeah that's why like online ordering for garden stuff and like you look around

you go fuck I'm gonna jazz this place up as complete as Amazon there's nothing on Amazon that's left for me to buy there was a point in the lockdown where the Amazon guy

you could tell it was his job and he was turning up like dickhead come on. I need five fucking, just do one. I was filling like three or four recycling bins a week just with Amazon packaging.

It was just ridiculous. Brown cardboard everywhere. I found it dead funny when people were having a go, like, Jeff Bezos is nearly a trillionaire. It's a joke, isn't it? How's that happening? I was just looking behind me like this is why because you can get it

the next day my fault guys so yeah scousebirdshop.com and when you move into the city and if you live near Crosby go and check it out already

but you're going to be in town so make sure you go and support Steph we want you to support our guests as best as possible but the thing I wanted

to talk about because there's girls who do this now and I think it's fucking amazing you've been selling like used socks and shit yeah so just tell us a bit about this how is that how did this come about and and what made you go fuck it i'm doing it i can't remember how it first started but somebody sort of slid into my dms on twitter as you do and asked if

they could buy me socks they use socks and i, well, it's obviously a sexual thing, like they obviously get some sort of sexual kick out of it, but, you know, it's not really sexual for me, so I'm not bothered. Yeah, of course, I'll sell you me socks. So for 50 quid, I wore a pair of socks for a few days, went to the gym, and that made sure they were really smelly, and then sent them off.

Then he gave me a really good review, which I posted, and then a lot of people with review yeah he just sort of dm'd me saying how amazing the socks i thought this was on like fucking trust pilots there are sites you can sign up it's like there's like fetish sites where you can sign up and and offer your service and just in case like not for me not for me but like if any of the listeners are interested could you just uh tell us what that stinky fucking feed.co.uk um so yeah so he left me a good review i posted because again he said do you know what it means so much that you didn't judge me for it because like so many people would be quite judgmental about this sort of thing so that was like really nice yeah thanks

very much and the socks were great so then a load of other people then started getting in touch then asking for socks and so i was like fucking hell i've only got one pair of feet so i was like wearing them to the gym for a couple of days making sure they were really sweaty and that and then you know sending them off then some other guy got in touch and asked if he could buy a pair of knickers and i was like okay we're going into more like the sexual route now but he was offering 300 quid so i was like okay yeah i'll sell me i'll go to the gym do you know how many pairs of boxes i'd send someone for 300 quid i'd send them the ones that i got from manscaped.com then the guy who offered me oh my god have you got gambling debts Who do you owe money to?

I don't know we're good at this. I think it's because Steph's here. Steph's a businesswoman. I'm a businesswoman. I shave me dick with dickshaver.co.uk. Get a shiny shaft. 30% off,

but not me shaft. It's massive. I took 30% off when I was 9 you know that without contact have you been circumcised what have you been circumcised

this guy I got a dick reduction he had a medical thing that a lot of kids he had two bigger dick biggest dick they tried to circumcise him at the synagogue

and they were like oi vey you break the knives dick. They tried to circumcise him at the synagogue and they were like, oy vey. Fucking hell. You break the knives. He went and did a dick reduction but he never. He did. He had a dick reduction. And I've got a micro penis. There's so much bullshit that's been thrown out there.

He's so happy. I'm gone. Just say manscape for it again, you dirty whore. Knickers. So how long do you have to wear them? Well, the guy who offered me the £300 for the knickers then offered me £1,000 and meet him for sex.

And I was like, okay, no, no, no. I'm not a prostitute. Also, that's not... I'm a legitimate businesswoman. And I will put my knickers in the laundry basket and then so i said so no i'm not meeting you for sex and he's like okay then i'll just give you 50 quid for them i was like whoa the 300 pound that you'd offered was not on condition of meeting up for sex so i just blocked him so i've never sold me knickers that guy's that guy's got his markets

all wrong 50 quid for socks 300 quid for knickers like you can't be then well if you're not gonna shag me it's i'm just gonna pay 50 quid for knickers even i know the now the the laundry economy come on so you're still selling the odd pair of socks and i yeah the odd ones yeah i've just like knickers is too much though in it i mean we're getting into booties now and those feet are warm so all right oh here's the thing you know like let's say christmas is coming around and people like what am i gonna get me dad i mean they know that right shaking it i wonder what it is and they know that then and stuff like this so you might get like for christmas you might get a load of orders is what i'm saying for presents and that right yeah and you have you've only got so much time in the day how are they how are they gonna know right if you just give me some

i'll wear them they'll not know that they're women have different pheromones and smells because i'm assuming that's what it is it's the pheromone thing like women's sweat tends to smell a little bit sweeter than a man's sweat i'll'll just spray some fucking Beyonce Heath perfume on it after I'm done. Is it the smell? My socks smell lovely. Is it the fact that it is? Do they really?

They don't smell awful. Have you ever not picked a sock up off the floor and gone, is that clean or not? No. No. See, if I pick a sock up off the floor and I'm like, is that clean or not? It's either that's clean or Jesus Christ.

Well, exactly. There you go. I don't. I just go, oh yeah, I've worn that. Yeah, but these people don't know that. I could wear them for you. I'll take just 80% off the top, 20% still yours. I might get like a team of women,

like that Orange is the New Black, where they did that. Or, or, right? Because sweaty Betty's my biggest thing. All you need is sweat. All you need is sweat. Get in the sauna and keep wiping your pits with it. Again, though, armpit sweat smells different than foot sweat.

Do you not think? Do you think they're going to know? That smells like, you know, roast dinners in the Year 7 corridor. Say that again. Smells like Peroni, I think. Peroni? Yeah. Roast dinners in the Year 7 corridor.

Have you ever been down a Year 7 corridor in school, me? You could have been a stand-up, Steph. I think. Peroni. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Roast dinners in the year seven corridor. Have you ever been down a year seven corridor in school? You could have been a stand up Steph. You could have. The way, like the way you, like that wording is the, that's a stand up comedian not doing comedy. That is,

smells like roast dinners in year seven corridors. That's what Beau smells like. I think if you pay 50 quid you're not a fucking newbie are you come on you're a pro you're gonna be like that is a 28 year old dirtbag man no thank you yeah surely you're gonna know the sense and then that's it then you've lost the customer you don't if you don't act with integrity you don't keep your customer base i think that's how i've done a million pounds. I think, and I'm not judging these people, because, you know, whatever you're into, you're into.

We're not here to judge. But I would say that these people who are buying this sort of thing don't give a flying fuck which bit of your body that sweat's coming from. Oh, no, I don't know. Do you not think? No. I reckon you could literally wipe your arse with it and be delighted. Different parts of your body smell...

Like, your breath smells different to your armpit, smells different to your fanny. My breath does smell different to my armpit smells different my breath doesn't smell different to my armpits i'm so glad that you noticed that is there a male market possibly we need to get on there is not there is not a male market this is attractive woman privilege it's not like right lads we're gonna make some fucking money but what if you were a gay man who was also into the foot smells then there'd be a male market i'm finding i just think men just i don't think there's any mystique around men men would be like what you know what i mean like it's just easier most women to go get away from my socks it's it's attractive because there's an air it's naughty yeah whereas if you go uh you go to

selling them tight i hooked them up with my mate and she was selling them tight so you get like a bit of bonus gusset. Yeah. You could be literally in a relationship and go, babe, can I sniff your knickers? And women would be like, no, I don't want to be with someone who sniffs fucking knickers. Like if you were gay and were the gay man,

you'd be like, Steve, can I sniff your socks? Yeah, I've had it. Like I just don't think there's any... Can I say this, right? I'd never do it. I'd never, but I get never but i get it i get the naughtiness of it naughtiness is does something for me you'd never smell them or you'd never sell i'd never buy them or i don't i wouldn't pick them up and smell them either but i i get it

i get that like be doing sort of a bit taboo is the turn on i totally get that yeah you know what i mean and it is it's it's the pheromones as well men and women give off different pheromones that's why we attract each other and that's how we can keep going with the circle of life what do you think about ladyboys? interesting isn't it? I've seen them in Bangkok and they were impressive were they really? I mean some of them not so much

but some of them you would never tell you would never know that they weren't fully female I mean I was joking but I like how we're now generally talking about ladyboys You'd never know that they weren't fully female. Fully female. Yeah. I mean, I was joking, but I like it how we're now genuinely talking about ladyboys. I'd be into it. Would you go to a lady...

Like, if the ladyboys came to Chester Little Theatre, would you go and watch? If Laura binned me off, I think I'd go mental enough, I'd start drinking, doing drugs, and I'd be like, she's all right, isn't she? Hi, Mr. Dan. Mr. Dan. Would you be top or bottom though

oh post box or letters i'm the fucking i'm the postman postman what if they were a power bottom what's a power bottom and mr dan i'm the man it means they can take it not submissive mr dan you they're not submissive but they're still a bottom they're a letterbox Mr Dan you're my Yvonne no I'm not into that that's weird

I'll fuck a lady boy I'm not letting him fuck me that'd be really strange what oh fucking no what did we say what

I don't know with the question we always ask right oh yeah yeah, right. So, right. Let's ask it and let's get a female perspective on it as well. And we will get to these features

that I've prepared in a minute. Is it gayer, not that there's anything wrong with being gay, is it gayer to bum a man or be bummed by a man? Be bummed? Yes. I mean, technically.

To receive? Technically, it's all past the threshold i mean you know on var when they're checking if the ball's over the line both those yeah which one is further offside which one is like you don't even need var he's fucking off mate i see what you mean if you were doing the bummer it's technically under the hole every hole that could be any arsehole no that could be any arsehole you know it's a man I'm bumming this man no no what about this

what about this if you don't if you if like Mr Dan sellotaped the willy right up looked amazing I'm in Chester

the ladyboys of Bangkok are in Cheshire seems unlikely exactly and then all of a sudden I've had a few bevvies you know it's late night peronies

smells like pits and then I'm bumming and it's like Mr Dan and then all of a sudden I've had a few bevvies, you know, it's late night, Peronis, smells like pits. And then I'm bumming and it's like, and then all of a sudden I hear the sellotape just come off and just against my balls. I just, I feel like, you know, what is it? Newton's cradle. All of a sudden my balls just slap back against me. I'm like, would you carry on? What?

Would you carry on? Who's stopping on who's stopping who's stopping at that point damage has been done you might as well leave with a gift bag you're at the party

you want a bit of cake really you would fucking fall on oh this is gonna be awful give me a minute. We're not talking ladyboys. Right, so... Yeah, we are.

No, no, no. We're now not. We're talking men. Yeah. Men. Go on. Freddie Quinn. Char!

I'm sorry, mate. You're a nasty bitch. Would you rather get bummed by Freddie Quinn or bum Freddie Quinn? The worst. would you rather get bummed by Freddie Quinn or bum Freddie Quinn the worst would you rather we have ever done and we have

done some die ones who's Freddie Quinn you know Rag and Bone man yeah

yeah him but less attractive um oh Freddie what it's it's it's oh he's got a kind face Oh, Freddie. What?

It's, it's, it's... Oh, he's got a kind face. He has, he's a lovely lad. He can't see his face. He's our mate, he's our mate. That's why we talked about it last episode. He's just, he's a bulky lad. He's going bald. He's got a beard.

He's from Preston. Sorry. He's from the street that I grew up on in the bit of Preston so is he bumming you or are you bumming him but you're from the

posh part of Preston it's not even would you rather stop she loves doing this you're the Tory part of Preston oh god

of all the things I can be called on this pod that catches the most I'm like Tory you get called a paedophile every week

I might deal with that. Um... Oh, God. It's definitely gayer to be bummed. No. It is. Yeah, it is. Because you could be bumming anyone.

What your... His argument... You could be bumming you and you might not want it. His argument is, you're doing the bumming, so that's gayer because if you're getting bummed,

it's just like... It's just the same as... It's the same as doing a woman doing the bumming, so that's gayer, because if you're getting bummed, it's just like, it's just the same as, it's the same as doing a woman, up the bum, you're always the penetrator. No. But you would never normally be penetrators. Yeah, yeah,

so if I get drunk in Chester, and the ladyboys are Bangkok, I can't do like, I didn't realise what was happening if I'm getting bummed. It's active and passive, you're bumming a man. Yeah, you're wrong,

three people, I win ding done feature time would you rather I mean by the way

you can be anything you want and do anything you want we're just talking you know that did seem like very is it gay

yeah being gay is great yeah it's just a you know just a VAR thing I Yeah, just, you know. It's just a VAR thing. I've got a couple of would-you-rathers,

and I've got a couple of other words. So we've done a bit of time, but I reckon do one would-you-rather, one other word? Yeah. Do you reckon? Yeah? Yeah.

I mean, how are we going to would-you-rather the Freddie Quinn one? Shut up! Would-you-rather have to scream uncontrollably every time you hear anyone singing happy birthday or have to do very animated animal impressions every time you see someone eating meat? For example, if you've seen someone eating KFC,

you have to do a chicken impression loudly towards them. I would rather scream uncontrollably during happy birthday. So it's your mum's, and you can't ever explain either of these to people. That's always the rule with the would you rathers so it's your ma's birthday right to bring the cake out

happy birthday for the whole the whole time the whole I know do you know what do you know when that's

I know but you you've got a kid you've got a kid yeah and you can't be like listen cory happy birthday darling mommy's just gonna have to go to the back of the garden because i want you to be here when the cake comes out no love no you don't birthdays are less common than seeing people you meet yeah that's true you see people see people eating meat, like, every day. Yeah, but then you could just pretend you're a vegan

who's just, like, doing your thing, you know what I mean? He's going... You just have to move... That's spicy, I've only felt that. There you go. And that's when someone's having a bacon sandwich that's just me picking impressions adam is so confident in his own impressions he literally looked at me like best cow in the fucking game this one this one's been this has been a fucking riot this one i love it when there's

magic in the air what fucking restaurant you're at with the horse this is when you're in France. Finder's crispy pancakes. Hey, who's drinking? Frizzle. Brexit. Elephant. Do an elephant. Just one more elephant. Why is that the same as the whole? What, is that the gay elephant?

It's a trunk. I'm the only gay elephant. The only one I know. I'm the only gay elephant. The only one I know. I'm the only gay elephant in this show. You've brought out all the ugly laughs. So what are you going for? Are you going for the animal noise? I love birthdays and I love my daughter and soon to be another child.

And I, Laura, would not be happy. She'd be like, you're just going to have to make a cunt of yourself in Nando's because you're not ruining everyone's birthday what if there was meat at the birthday yeah

that's true but I mean you can have like a vegan no you can't fuck it no sausage rolls it's a good one that so you're going animal noises

and you're going animal noises screaming you're screaming now I'm screaming now I'm screaming everyone likes a good release every now and again

I sort of told Carl the sweet. Everyone likes a good release every now and again. I sort of told Carl the outline of this, have a word. This came in via Instagram. Could you imagine if it was going, hi, I just want you to have a word with this girl. She keeps pinging me. And like, I do work for Man City.

And it's just weird. Oh my God. If he ever gets in touch, if he sees this, which he might. Do you want me to give you his number? Do you want to ring him yeah no no no no

get it out of your brain no no oh my god imagine if we rang him on the pod though ruddy ruddy ruddy ruddy is it what

ask for like a oh no improv ask for a coaching session yeah it's your fucking welcome at Leroy Sanic alright lads it's Pep

where are you? What the fuck? No, he's Spanish, isn't he? So get Carl to do the... Who's Spanish? Pep Guardiola. Oh, I thought you meant Rudy.

I'll FaceTime him. What's happening Pep, lad? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put a ball cap on and start speaking Spanish on him. Hey Pep. He's a lot more dub-cut than he is.

This has been one of my favourite ever episodes, you know? Yeah, but don't say that. and then you just like, you know, fucked me off. She doesn't respond well to that. Either I'm the best or I'm not.

I'm the best forever. No, you are now. Last one was, you know, you were getting used to the mood. Dear Abraham Da Vinci and Cartman. Oh, that's a nice one, isn't it? We've got Carl involved now. So, don't know who told you this last time, our listeners when they write in. As long as it begins with the same letter. Yeah. that's nice one, isn't it? We've got Carl involved now. So, I don't know who told you this last time, our listeners, when they write in.

As long as it begins with the same letter. Yeah. That's our name. Abraham Da Vinci and Cartman. I want you to have a word with me, mate, or with me, depending on who you agree with. It's also relevant with Abraham recently breaking up with his missus, and that's me.

My mate, it was a full-blown word as original and £10 Patreon, but we won't say any more than that. Good lad. Has recently got back with his ex after a two-month split. During that two-month split, he's obviously been shagging, but the dodgy thing is he's only been shagging one girl for two months. He's broken off with her and got back with his ex,

and it's all very amicable with the other girl, but he hasn't told his ex-ex, again that he was basically seeing someone but he has told her that he slept with other people and she's made her peace with that apparently i think he should come clean and tell her now so she knows everything but because this is bound to come out at some point he thinks he's told her enough because as long as she knows he's being elsewhere she doesn't need to know more details because all it could do is hurt her. So who's right? Keep this anonymous.

He'll know it's about him. And that's all that matters. Oh, that's a fucking good one. Because it's not obvious what the best route is. For me, personally, I would go with full honesty. Yeah? Because when or if it does come out, it will be really hard to repair the trust i will always

respect someone for being honest even if even if i'm pissed off i will respect their honesty and i always do the same even if it'll get me into trouble i'm always honest yeah however technically he hasn't done anything wrong well exactly is he just being like look i've done nothing wrong i've cheated on no one so he hasn't done anything right as well fess up and just say look this is a thing if it ever came out i wouldn't want you to think i was trying to hide anything from but he has done something wrong now hasn't he because he's lied now well he hasn't he's just not told the whole truth i think she might have... We were on a break! Can I ask you, here's the question to you.

Yeah. Right. So, obviously, you say you would go with full honesty, which is sound. However, let's say you're the girl, right? And he's got back with you. Yeah. Would you be fuming down the line if you found out this?

Yeah. Yeah. So you'd be like, you told me you shagged other people. You didn't tell me it was one person for two months yeah i'd be like well why did you try and hide that because it was not wrong we were split up i didn't try and hide anything i was just like what details do you need to know i didn't want to give you details i'd be more pissed off that he was hiding something than the actual thing see i'm devil's advocate but i'm totally with you know you've got it you've got to come out problem is this has already happened

and he's already played it off as it was casual I think initially if we had this would you rather and he was just deciding what to do if it was a what should he do I completely agree with this but he's already set off down fucking casual road

so he's got to come up with a lie die with the lie now if he fesses up of his own volition, rather than his hands being forced later down the line, it's easier to forgive and to respect him if he's just said, look, you might never ever find out about this, but I can't live with myself

because I feel like I'm not being completely honest with you. So I need to tell you this. Rather than maybe the girl getting in touch or whatever and saying,'m gonna tell her or whatever and then he kind of has to tell her and she's like oh you're only telling me that because you kind of forced her yeah so i would do it off his own bath if you're gonna marry this girl you're right you're right and what has this got legs because if you're gonna marry this girl and you're gonna have a family with her you might as well just have it all out and on. If it's just going to be another six months,

then ride or die, homie. Yeah, I think we've got to have a word with him, haven't we? You've got to come clean, lad. And you're a £10 patron. I hope that means you'll probably listen to this shit. I'm on his side. £10 patron. You can do what you want. He can do what he wants as long as he stays a £10 patron, but if you're asking for our actual advice

fess up brother yes fess the fuck up oh mate I have had a fucking belter of a time today that was great

it was god wasn't it if I come to one of your shows and I see you using year 7 roast dinners it was really good it was beautifully written it was better than most comics what do you ever do

stand up oh no scary see the thought of like I know because every comedian It was beautifully written. It was better than most comics. Would you ever do stand-up? Oh, no, scary. See, the thought of, like, I know because every comedian dies at some point, and the thought of that happening, I don't... It makes me want to throw up inside. It's bad.

It is bad, having a bad gig. But it's nowhere near as bad, I think, as what you expect it to be. It's genuinely, genuinely made me feel ill. It's pretty bad. Also, we started at the same age. Were you 18? I was 20.

You're just so young and dumb. You're like, yeah, I'll get up. Yeah, that didn't go very well. That went well. It's different when you're older. You've got more to lose. Yeah, you're 23 now, aren't you? Yeah, let's go with that.

However, some professional comics have sat on that couch And I can see the fear in them And you roll in and like Yeah yeah Paint me like one of your french beards She smashes the couch Just give another little plug to your stuff So the shop is open and when?

In town It's open in Crosby now And we're moving to town beginning of February We'll be doing the big move because that's our quiet month so we'll have a little launch in February which will

boost our sales but you can of course shop on www.scoutsbidshop.com and please do that especially around Christmas I know you get

there busy around Christmas and stuff but like the diaries you do for Scouse Girls there's so much really good stuff there that you

should definitely go and check it out and visit Adams and I haven't had to sack any staff or anything like that. I haven't had to get rid of anyone. No furlough? No, none of that.

So, you know, you're helping the local economy. And we really should be doing that. We really, really should be doing that. We should be helping local a lot more than we should be helping anything else at the minute. And you're going to do your dirty knickers, are you? Are you thinking about it? I'm willing to just be Steph's staff.

You do the postage. No, I'll wear them. I want to wear them. I want some man in Stoke-on-Trent sniffing my socks, thinking it's you. That just does something funny for me. Scouse lad pants. Get that fucking handle.

I'll try and find you some gays with a foot fetish, Asim. Look, gigs are going again. There's a second lockdown coming. Whatever it takes. Mr. Adam. The, gigs are going again. There's a second lockdown coming. Whatever it takes. Mr. Adam. The pitch is the in his nipples. That's fine. And do check out

Ms. Keogh. I thought it was Mushino. No, it's not Mushino. I don't think they're quite at the stage where they're messaging people

with 15,000 followers and giving free trackies away. But if Mushino are watching, I will wear it don't you buddy I'm a Hot Water Comedy Club this weekend so go and check that out

I don't think there's many tickets left but if you're watching this on the day you come out or the next day I am there all weekend and you're going to be at the Glee Club in Nottingham

yeah because I picked up a gig that you couldn't do I double booked myself with the Glee Club in Nottingham and Liverpool and it just worked out better to send him to the Midlands and I'll stay local mate it's been a pleasure thanks so much for coming on Steph we could be at with the Glee Club in Nottingham and Liverpool and it just worked out better to send him to the Midlands and half day local.

Mate, it's been a pleasure. Thanks so much for coming on, Steph. We could be at semi-regs, couldn't it? Could be. Hopefully you just don't have to go through major romantic

upheaval every time. Let's talk money. Fucking hell, that's what she's like. Can we get femalescapes on here? Do manscapes do female products? Shut up about manscapes.

She said femalescaped. Femalescaped. Yeah, and do us a favour. Like the video, subscribe on our channel, and go to patreon.com slash have a weird pod. You get an extra episode every week, and you get early access to all these public things, and it starts for just three quid a month.

There's nearly a thousand people on there now. Flying. We're building a fucking community, mate. Go ahead. See you in a bit. Bye, Felicia. Bye, Felicia. Bye, Felicia. What's happening, lads?

Today's sponsor is Beer 52. Beer 52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. If you're into your beers, your ales, your stouts, Beer 52 is the place for you. They've teamed up with Have A Word, this podcast, baby, to give our listeners a free case of eight beers. You will get eight beers, an award-winning beer magazine, and a tasty snack. You just pay the 5.95 postage.

You can pause or cancel your membership to this Discovery Club at any time. But until you do that, they're going to keep sending you beers. They're going to send you a different theme every month. Previous themes have included Germany, California, Belgium, Korea, New Zealand, South Africa, and many, many more. Every month, you'll get a new theme of beers sent to your house. And I'm telling you right now, I signed up for this a few months ago myself, and I ain't been cancelling anything. I'm still tippling away.

Just go to beer52.com slash word and claim your free case now. That's B-E-E-R 52.com slash W-O-R-D. Do it now, baby. Please, go get yourself some free stuff on us. Don't forget to watch our very funny podcast videos on YouTube. You can subscribe at YouTube.com forward slash Have A Wad Pod.