HealthyGamerGG - Am I Running Out of Time to be Successful?

Episode Date: September 16, 2022

Dr. K dives into feeling like you "haven't done anything with your life", development and comparison, confidence, and more! Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You want to be proud of your grades. And if you're really proud of your grades, it's like other people can be upset with it. But when we're confident in ourselves, other people can say whatever they want to and it won't affect us. But what I'm hearing from you is like, you're not showing your parents because they're still going to be disappointed in you because that's like it's not perfect, which means they're not going to be happy. Hello. Yeah. You can call me David. Okay. Nice to meet you, David.

So I think the topic today is what do you want to be and what's getting in the way? Yeah. So when I answered the prompt, I kind of said that I want to be a lot of things. There's like a lot of goals that I have in mind for life. Like I want to be financially successful, socially adept, someone that's generally confident, kind of what people have in their head when they think of like a good person, kind of like, you know, a giga chat. Okay.

And so what are the elements of a giga chat? Explain that to us, David? I guess they're like confident in who they are. They're financially successful, at least in my head. That's what I would think. They're healthy. They're generally have a good circle of friends. They have healthy relationships.

They're secure in their attachments and in those relationships. Someone's been doing some homework, secure in their attachment. Okay. And where are you in relation to all of this stuff? I'd say I'm pretty far removed. I'm in university right now, so I don't have a career per se. But I am pretty nervous because I graduate this year. I'm going to be graduating about eight months from now.

Okay. And I don't have like a career prospect. I don't have like, I haven't really put much thought into what I'm going to be doing. You know, I haven't applied the jobs. I haven't done an internship. I haven't done any of them. It's like people my age, I see they're getting involved. they have something in co-op called co-op where I'm from where your university helps you find

a career related to your field and you work with them for a period of 16 months so four semesters and you graduate with like kind of your foot in the door you know whereas I don't have any of I'm kind of just graduating so you didn't do co-op I just didn't have that option like it's not in my I see. Okay. And can I ask what you're studying? Yeah, I'm studying something like, it's kind of weird. It's called graphic communications management, but it's actually like printing, like industrial printing, but you can also go into graphic design or packaging and stuff like that. Okay. And so it sounds like you want to be a lot of things confident, financially stable, healthy, social, secure attachment. So it sounds like you're on track to graduate. So I suppose congratulations or condolences. I'm not quite sure. I guess it's an achievement, but I don't really, like, I guess I'm not very nice to myself in that sense. I'm just like, uh, I graduated, but yeah,

that's what you're supposed to do, right? Like, I haven't done anything special, I feel. Okay. So, hmm, let me, can I think for a second? Yeah, go ahead. What about health, social stuff? Health-wise, I think I'm all right. I go to the gym pretty regularly. I have a routine and everything, but it's not like, I just do it because I kind of have to. It's just like a duty thing, right?

Like, you do it because you have to, you don't do it because you want to. Okay. And is that okay that you do it because you have to? I mean, people always talk about how after you look out for a little bit. it becomes a little bit addicting and you want to do it. But I've never really had that. Like, it still takes, like, willpower and for me to do it, which I guess is what I would

call discipline. Does it feel like you're disciplined? I guess in keeping with that routine, yes, but with other aspects of my life, probably not. How do you feel about yourself? In general? Yeah. That's a tough question. I'm not too sure.

Some days it's like, yeah, I'm doing pretty already. I think I'm doing pretty well in other days. It's like, what the hell am I doing? What am I, like, here for? I haven't done anything with my life, you know? Okay. When are you supposed to have done something with your life? That's a good question.

I guess it just depends on who you are. Like, I could look at someone that's my age, like there are people in my age that are, have signed like the rookie contract in the NBA. They're making $6 million, $7 million a year. Whereas there are other people my age that are, you know, not in university. They maybe dropped out of high school.

You know, maybe they're not unemployed or an education. So it's hard to say. Yeah, so you bring up a really good point, David, that, you know, when are you supposed to be a gigachad? I think it could happen at any point in your life, right? Yeah. So, and then you also kind of pointed out that, like, I asked you, you know, when are you supposed to be successful, basically? basically, and you said that depends on who you look at. There are people I could compare myself to that are more successful than I am,

according to you, basically. And there are people I could look at who are less successful than I am. So how you're doing depends on who you compare to. Yeah, so it's all like relative, right? Yeah, so I wonder if there's anything else, like, you know, whether you're successful or not, whether you're happy. with where you are, how you feel about yourself. Anything else that you could set that bar to,

as opposed to comparing to someone really successful or comparing to someone not successful at all? Maybe someone just like me, like someone that's in university? Yeah, someone just like you. I like that idea. Who is the person who is most like you? Can we argue that the closer we get to you, the better the comparison will be? I guess it also depends on kind of what, objective you're trying to achieve with that comparison, right?

Good. Excellent. What objective are we trying to achieve with a comparison? It's hard to say maybe to determine whether I'm successful or not. Excellent. Right? So like we have to, like if we're going to make comparisons, let's try to make the fairest comparison. Right? Yeah. So like, you know, if you're successful, like what's your net worth? Like I'm, I'm 21 years old and I run a $10 million company that I started three years ago. when I got a $20 million investment from my parents, and three years later, it's worth 10. I've built it. You're going to compare yourself to that guy?

Probably not, right? Right? I'm not looking at all, yeah. So who is the closest person we can compare you to? I would guess someone in the same program as me who doesn't feel too secure about their prospects after they graduate. Excellent. And do you know anyone like that?

I know people who are nervous, but I'm just like, our situation's all the same because you've had the opportunity to have like, they've done an internship elsewhere. They've sucked. They've seen one out, right? Yeah. Like on their own accord and I haven't done that. How can we get to someone even closer than that? Someone that tried to but didn't. Or I guess maybe not even tried because I didn't try.

Yeah. So is there anyone that you know who's in your major that didn't try to get an internship, et cetera, et cetera? Well, my situation is a little bit special. I kind of had the option to do one, but it's a pick and choose. You can choose to do an internship for like three months, or you can go abroad for an international exchange. I chose international exchange. You chose what? International exchange.

Like an exchange program abroad in a different country for six months. And how do you feel about that? Well, I've already done it. I'm glad I did it. It's like a very transformative experience. You meet, like, tons of different types of people and see how things are different, like, halfway across the world. I went to Europe, and I'm from North America.

But I come back, and it's like, I'm missing that, like, kind of put in the door now. I don't have that experience that other, everyone else does, right? Yeah, so I think what we're sort of getting to, David, is that, you know, the person you should really be comparing yourself to is yourself. yeah probably right but and and this this is where i think we've sort of discovered does that make sense like because as you pointed out like so our mind so let's take a step back you don't feel confident in yourself right no yeah you're like i'm doing what i'm supposed to at my age and when are you supposed to be a giga chad not yet but also i kind of don't feel good about myself

even though you're kind of doing what you're supposed to be doing. So, and yet you don't feel great about yourself. And then, as you pointed out, depending on who I compare myself to, like, when are you supposed to be what you strive to be? Like, when are you supposed to be, like, confident, financially stable, healthy, have a healthy social circle, maybe in a significant, in a relationship with a significant other? Sure as hell is not supposed to be eight months before you grab. I can guarantee you that.

I was kind of thinking like the earlier the better, right? Why? Because that's kind of just life, right? If you're more head, that's like life is probably better unless that's wrong. I mean, if you're ahead, what does that mean? Like having a good circle of friends around you, a good support system, developing those early, getting into good habits, like exercising, etc. Is it a competition?

It kind of feels like one. Kind of does. Yeah, just like a rat race kind. Yeah. But is it? I guess when you really think about it, no. But I think the world is set up in a way where it's kind of designed to be. Yeah, 100%.

The world tries to compare you to other people all the time. Is there people out there, David, who are thinking to themselves. oh my God, I wish I was like David. David is so much better than me because he's exercising regularly. And this guy is disciplined. He doesn't even want to work out, but he still works out.

And he's graduating and I dropped out of school. It's useless to compare. Right. So this is where, like, I'd say a couple things. The first is where you are, I think, is developmentally appropriate. Do you know what that term means? Like the way I see the world and the way I am is appropriate from where I'm at in my own stage I'm on.

100%. I do not expect a 21 year, I mean, I don't know how old you are, but someone who's eight months away from graduating from college to be financially stable, have all their social life sorted out. Like, what's the job of a college student? Study and I set their life up for success later in life. Sounds like you're exercising. Sounds like you're going to graduate. Sounds like you've got some stuff to figure out. What do you think?

I think I have a lot to figure out. I agree. You have a lot to figure out. How long do you have to figure it out? Again, it depends, I guess. Figure out like career-wise. Does it not, really? Nope.

Literally, how long do you have to figure it out? Like everything? I guess I have my whole life. Absolutely. The amount of time you have is until you die. That's like literally how long you have to figure it out. What do you think about that? I feel like there's a good time and a bad time to figure things out.

I think there's like such a thing as figuring things out too late and which they put you behind, which brings us to the whole thing about and not being in competition, but it definitely feels that way. Yeah. Have you figured things out too late, David? Has that happened to you before? There are things that I know that I don't know, that I feel like I'm behind it.

So what are you going to do about it? The easy answer would be to say, figure it out, but no one tells you how, right? Good. So how are you feeling about this conversation? I'm not sure. I don't know, like, kind of if it's going to change the way I see the world or the way I'm thinking, what I'm going to learn from it. Yep.

I completely agree. Just a little unsure. Yeah. So we're going to try to, try to, share something with you. We'll see whether it changes things or not. But I'm asking a lot of questions. I think you're giving all the right answers. I think that this is where, like, maybe I can help you synthesize into a hypothesis that you put together. So, David, I think that there's some, like, there's advice that we give people, right? So, like, number one is don't compare

to other people. And what you've actually really done is given us a very good argument for why that is. Because it's sort of like, you know, there's no point in comparing your, like, because you're just not in that situation. And if comparison is off the table, because it's really like it's just useless, like it's like if I, heaven forbid, at the age of 15, got into a car accident where I had a cerebral hemorrhage and lost a part of my brain, like, it's useless to compare myself to people who like that didn't happen to. You know, what's acceptable or not acceptable, what's appropriate or not appropriate, whether I'm ahead or behind, you can look at anyone else. And as you pointed out, depending on your comparison, you will be ahead and depending on your comparison,

you will be behind. And even if you are ahead, you won't be happy. Why is that? It's because that's not where happiness comes from. Because you are ahead of some people, right? Right. Yeah, that's true. Does it make you happy?

No. So like, let's say you started like working out more than you did. Or you have a GPA that's slightly better than another human being elsewhere on the planet. Is that going to make you more happy? It might give me, like, a little bit of pride if knowing that I'm doing well and that I'm doing, like, I'm good at something. But that will give you pride. But doing well and knowing how to do something has nothing to do the comparison. That comes from within.

Yeah. Right? So it depends on whether you're measuring up against, like, what you care about or whether you're comparing to someone else. Does that make sense? Because you're ahead of some people, and it's not like you're 50% happy because you're ahead of 50 people. Like, sure, you can take every university student in your school, you can rank them, and you can objectively be somewhere. You can do that. But it's not like moving up five ranks or moving down five ranks makes you happier.

Right? Right. Yeah, I hear you. So this is where I think there are a couple of things that we got to sort of think about. So then it's like, okay, so you're, you know, we're on this call and you're like, okay, so what do I do about it? because I'm not confident to myself. And that's where I'd say, like, number one is like, you know, what you should, like, your confidence and stuff is going to come from your satisfaction with yourself.

It's not going to come from outperforming someone else. Agree or disagree? I agree. So, like, now we get to, so how do you move forward from here? Like, why are you not confident in yourself? I don't mean that as like a deep existential question. I mean, like, literally, what are you unhappy with about yourself? I would just say I'm just not happy that I haven't been able to shoot a lot of things that I feel like I shouldn't.

Like what? Like I maybe these are out of my control, but I haven't really made friends in university. I was, because COVID virtual for two years, I was, I had my first semester in person, and I kind of just like, I don't know, I've changed a lot in the last couple of years. I was a huge shut in, very shy, didn't really talk to people, had a lot of trouble. with stuff like that. And you've changed a lot in what way? I think I can talk to people easier now, like based on the fact that I'm here.

You know, I probably wouldn't have done something like this a couple years ago. Do you feel good about yourself for that? No, but there are people that let me know that I should be. Yeah. So that's kind of tricky, right?

So like, here you are actually, like, decently on your way to become a gigachshund. Chad. I wouldn't say that, but sure. I am saying that, right? So I know you wouldn't. If you were saying it, then I wouldn't have to. And what do I mean by that? Like, so you're going to graduate from college. Sounds like you were one hell of a shut in plus the COVID pandemic and you're like growing. Like, so here's what I see. I see like what's happened into the level, like what's happening to your XP bar, David? Do you play games? Yeah, I do. What's happening to your XP bar? David. What's happening to your XP bar? It's going up, right? Are other people going up faster or other people a higher level than you? Sure.

But like your XP bar is going up. That's why I'm confident that you're well on your way to become a gigacad. Now, there's more to it than that. But basically what I'm hearing is that, so you're graduating. So that's one step forward in the financial standpoint. Confidence is like your confidence is not increasing despite the fact that you're getting better. Can we agree with that? Like, objectively, you're getting better.

You're socially better. You're exercising every day. People can't see you, but you've got a nice head of hair. You know, so that's working for you. So it sounds like you're healthy, sounds like you're improving socially. And you're also like here, which actually indicates to me that you will, this is a good prognostic sign because you're working on yourself intentionally. This is the one thing that most people your age don't do, which is that they just kind of like AFK and instead of being, like, very intentional. Does that make sense?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, that does. So, and I think it's developmentally appropriate. Like, I don't want to say this, David, but at 21, I'm assuming you're 21, who knows? 22, 20, whatever. How old are you? 20. Okay, so you're 20 and you're going to graduate in eight months. Right? So you're, like, technically, you're ahead of the game, because most people graduate when they're 22, right? Yeah. What do you think about that? Does that make you happier? I feel like I could have done better. Like, oh, I could have graduated and,

three years instead of four. I could have. If I really tried, I could have, I could have graduated last year. So now we get to why you're not confident. Okay? So I'm going to ask you a question, David. When there is something you could be confident about,

what does your mind do to it? It, uh, what's the word, invalidates it? Very good. Right? Can you be proud of your, you exercising regularly? I could be,

but like my mind. just tells me you should be doing this anyway. Exactly. So, like, this is the problem. It's not actually that objectively, you're doing anything bad. It's that anytime you have a win, your mind doesn't let you record it in the W column. It takes your Ws and shifts them over to the L.

Right. Yeah. I get what you mean. Like, isn't that weird? Yeah. I honestly think I know where it comes from, probably from my childhood. Shocking. Yeah. Tell us if you feel comfortable.

Yeah, so this isn't exactly childhood, but this is probably the one that stands out the most in my mind. I was 18. This was my first semester of college, and I had, I don't know how the GPA scale is in in America. It's different here where I'm from, but it's basically, it goes from zero to 4.33. 4.33 is like the highest. and anything above like 3.6 is like an A. So after my first semester I added GPA at 4.27. And I showed my parents because they wanted to see how my grades are doing. And my mom looked at it and I was like, and she looked at the courses. So they were like a few, like most of them were 4.33 and then I had like one 4.00,

which is like the next grade down. And then she was like, so you need to do better on this. this is still bad. And then after that, I kind of just like, I was a little bit disillusioned. I was like, okay, I'm just not going to show you my grades in. If that's all you're going to have to say, and I haven't shown them since. Okay, so help us understand, David, because you know, you're introspective and you've got an answer for us. Connect these dots for me.

What does that story, how does that relate to you? What's going on? Lay it out for us. I guess I take what I've been told for all my life and in my shop because if it was happening then it was happening for as well and I've kind of internalized it

What have you What were you told and what have you internalized That I'll never be good enough What do you think about that Some days it does feel true Like there will always be someone better than That is correct That is a statement of fact

There will always be someone better than you I guess it shows through a lot of my personality. Like, I always kind of want to be the best in things that I care about. And why do you want to be the best? I guess it's just something I've carried over from what people have told me. Sort of, right? So I think the reason you want to be the best is because then you'll be confident. Right?

If you're number one, then you'll be happy. Then you'll be confident. You'll have achieved. You'll win the race. And then you'll feel good about yourself. with me? Yeah. Yeah.

Now, here's the thing. You strive to be number one. But every time you take a step forward, what do you do with the W? Turn it into an L. Absolutely. You're playing a rigged game. You see that? You're trying to solve the confidence by achievement.

But any time you achieve, you move it to an L, which is how we get someone. So let me explain something to you, okay? This is going to sound kind of confusing. So bear with me, David. I knew a guy once. His name was David. He was 18 years old, started college, got a 4.27 GPA. He exercises, was a social shut-in.

Years later, despite the pandemic, is getting socially better. He's basically, like, doing pretty well in a lot of dimensions, like has some rough parents and things like that. Man, that guy has nothing to be proud of, right? Because he ain't perfect. Yeah, that sounds absurd when you say to put it like that, right? So here's the tricky thing. The one thing, because you're doing a really good job,

we already said you're introspective. You've come a long way. Okay? You may not feel like it yet, but hopefully, I mean, who knows? We'll see. We're going to just do the best that we can today. And that's all that we can do. It's not like we can do better and it's not like we can do worse, right?

And if it's not good enough, it's not good enough. So one thing that I want to point out to you about your story that really stuck out to me, when your parents saw your report card and they said, you need to do better at 4.00. What did you do in response? I became like kind of apathetic and I rejected their response? Incorrect.

This is the growth point. You didn't reject their response. What did you decide to do physically? You shared this with us. I just stopped showing them my grades. Absolutely. And the reason you stopped showing them your grades is because you actually accepted it, right?

You didn't reject what they say. If you truly rejected what they said, you would have kept on showing them report cards. If they want to be unhappy, they can be unhappy. That's on them. Right. Does that make sense? Yeah, that does now.

The second you stopped showing them the report card is the second, they didn't, you didn't need them to tell you anymore. You just internalized it. Like, what do you think about that? I mean, like, my grades are still the same, like, throughout these years. I'd say I'm doing it all right, pretty well. but I don't ever like my grades are like one of the strong points where I feel like yeah I'm doing good I'm well I don't really have anything to free about there do you show them to your parents no why not because I know what they're going to have to say about it and how does what they say about it make you feel before I would probably make it feel bad but now it's like I just don't care enough or like I don't hold their opinion about my grades in that kind of regard so I think you've learned we don't really know right

but I would hypothesis, like, put something to you, which is that, like, you still do care. You've just learned how to be calloused. Hi, welcome to your neighborhood pharmacy. Hi, I've got a prescription for diabetes test strips. How much is the copay? Well, it depends on your type of commercial insurance and factoring in your yearly spend, subtracting the deductibles, also depending on your monthly allowance based on. Why can't there be a better option?

Or you could try Contournex test strips. A 35 counts only 1999 over the counter and proven to be highly accurate. Go to contournext.com slash radio to see if over-the-counter strips are a more affordable option for you. Hmm. I think I'll try contour next. Like, it's going to hurt, right? Because you want to be proud of your grades.

And if you're really proud of your grades, it's like, you know, like other people can be upset with it. But when we're confident in ourselves, other people can say whatever they want to and it won't affect us. Right. So, but what I'm hearing from you is like, you're not showing your parents because they're still going to be disappointed in you because that's. That's like, it's not perfect, which means they're not going to be happy.

And you don't want to deal with that. Yeah, it's just too much of edit to like get into an argument about something. Yeah, right? So when we say too much of a headache, like we're going to interpret a little bit there. You're going to feel hurt because they're not proud of you. And since they're not proud of you, you know, you don't know how to be proud of yourself, et cetera, et cetera. We've already kind of covered that you with me.

Yeah, I'm with you. So a couple things. Like, what do you think? I mean, how do we, how do you move forward from this, David? I guess. It's a hard question. Yeah. Bro and thought caring.

Kind of about what they might have to say. Yeah, so I think eventually, I hope that you get to a place where you're okay with them not being happy with you. Because that's on them. Like, let me ask you a question. You don't have to answer this, but I kind of, I'm just trying to. think about whether I should ask this question. Okay, you don't have to answer this, but it's tease up because I'm going to give you a hypothetical. Do you want kids one day?

I've always been in the camp of no, but I have a sister and she's pregnant, and I was like, maybe my opinion will change, but I still think I'm like 70, 30. Okay. So let me ask you a question. If your sister, if you could transplant consciousness with your sister and you could transplant consciousness with your sister. And you had a kid one day, and your kid after one semester of college

came to you and showed you a 4.27 on a report card, what would you say to your kid? I tell them good job. I don't know, probably not what my parents said to me, but I don't know how to, like, kind of compliment people and tell them I'm proud of them. That's weird, because I've never been shown. And would you tell your kid good job?

Would you be proud of them? Would you think they need to do better? No, I think they'd be doing fun. Would you be happy with what they've accomplished? I would be, yeah. But I think this is like another can of worms, maybe. Like, I feel like grades don't matter that much. Great, right?

So there's another can of worms. Maybe you'd go out and celebrate. That's what you do when your kid comes home with a 4.27 out of 4.33 GPA. Right? And so then, like, why would you do that for, let's say, your niece or your child? but like you can't do that for yourself. It's, I guess the answer is just it's harder to be proud of yourself and for self-ounce, right? Yeah.

That's a part of it. But I think that too is because your parents didn't show you, not only did they show you how to not celebrate, they didn't show you how to be proud of yourself. So this is something you're going to have to work on. But like, I would just play with these thoughts for a little while, David. So a couple questions. Otherwise, I'm going to summarize. I need to think about that for a second.

I guess when I'm like talking about like when people say how to be proud of yourself like what is that feeling like because I don't know what that means. Yeah, absolutely. I think it's really confusing for you. And that's okay. You'll learn just like you've done a good job in basically all the other dimensions of your life. Right, which I know sounds shocking. Yeah.

Yeah, it does. But you're someone who's 20 years old, about to graduate from college, exercises, has a good GPA, studied abroad for six months. Like, it sounds pretty sweet. You'll realize this later, David. But kind of like I'm saying, like, so for each of those things, like, imagine you had a daughter or a kid or son or whatever, right? And then, like, they were like, Dad, I want to go study abroad for six months. What would you say? Yeah, I do it.

I did it. It was great. I loved it. Right? Mm-hmm. And yet somehow your fucking mind moves that into the L column. Yeah, I guess I did. Even though your experience is positive.

Mm-hmm. So, like, you look like you're about to say something or ask something. Oh, no. I was just thinking about, like, when I first wanted to go on exchange, and I told my parents about it, they were like, no, you can't. Are you pretty stupid? Like, why would you want to do that? So, as you defied expectations, what was your experience of life?

It was better. I got to experience something I never would have. Okay. So let's try to piece things together. Number one, life gives you expectations. Expectations come from out there. As we fulfill expectations, we don't actually become happy. comparisons or expectations, right?

Taller, shorter, smarter, stupid, or better GPA, worse GPA, doesn't actually, and even as we like advance in the ranks, right? Because objectively, you're probably in the fifth percentile of people your age in terms of, like, objective performance. What percent of people exercise regularly have the GPA that you have, have studied abroad?

That number is like probably smaller than 5 percent. Does that feel like you're in the top 5%? Of course not. And that's because here's the thing. Like basically what you've got to do, David, is like, so here's what we've learned. Okay. So first of all, expectations come from the outside. There's a voice in here.

And anytime you feel pride in here, you compare what you feel in here to what the world says. You take that W move in into an L. That's why you're not confident. Because you don't let yourself be confident. You never get to record a W, right? Yeah, I don't. Yeah. And then we also have like, so I can, I can tell you, by all means, continue learning this lesson on your own.

But like, as you advance. So as you want to be confident in yourself, you've been taught that achievement and living up to expectations will make you happy and confident and successful. All those three things come together, by the way, right? There can't be teased apart. Yeah. Right? It's not like you can be successful and happy. Like, that's insane.

The idea of being successful and unhappy. But can you imagine graduating at the age of 21 with a 4.27 GPA being so successful and being really unhappy and lacking confidence in yourself? Yeah, I could because it's like happy to be, right? Shocking. External success in living up to expectations and happiness are not one and the same.

The more that you live to satisfy the outside world, this is what you end up with. Someone who's got to be a lot to be proud of and doesn't know how to feel pride. So what does this mean for you? So number one, you're doing fine. Relax. You'll get there. It's not a race.

There's a certain amount of patience you need to have with yourself, right? Like, you don't need to be perfect at the age of 20. You don't even need to be perfect at the age of 30. You don't even need to be perfect. You're not going to be perfect. You're never going to be perfect. you could die five years from now you could die tomorrow you could live to six like for 60 more years you got plenty of time so how do we decide if we're not like trying to if it's not a race right which

i acknowledge that society is going to tell you it's a race like how do you make decisions and i think you've made a couple good ones like you decided to study abroad has it set you back in some ways actually yes because you studied abroad instead of having work experience so just fix that right work on it supplement it. But this ultimately comes down to listening to yourself instead of listening to external people. Because when you actually listen to yourself, even though you made a mistake, my God, David, you made a mistake. You wasted a semester studying in Europe instead of doing an internship at Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company. Because you have a degree in industrial printing.

right you made a mistake and the thing that you're happiest about is the mistake you made David what does that mean for you dude maybe it's not a mistake shocking so very concretely number one your development you're appropriate right like this is what 20 like this is what kids who are graduating college feel like they're like we haven't figured this crap out yet there's a frontier I don't know if I'm going to be able to make it I've done pretty well so far, but who knows if any of that translates. There's a bunch of reasonable doubt. It's just normal.

Like, you're about to graduate college. Because that's what happens in college. Before you go to college, you're like, oh, my God, it's college. What's going to happen? Am I going to fail out? Am I going to make friends? Oh, my God, what's going to happen? Then you do freshman year, you do sophomore year, you learn how to do it.

You're feeling okay, feeling kind of confident, maybe even having a little bit of fun. And then college ends. And then you're like, oh, my God, it's the workplace. What's going to happen? Oh, my God. Am I going to find a job? I'm going to get a job. Is everything going to fall apart?

And then you're going to be okay. Maybe a little bit of a bumpy ride. You're going to do okay. And then like you're going to start relationships. And it's like, oh my God. Like I've never dated before. Like, I don't know what to do. Like, is it going to be okay?

That's life. It's a series of getting good at something and then becoming a noob again. It's like climbing MMR. It's like I'm crushing these nobs at this MMR. And then like I'm moving up a rank and it's like suddenly I'm a newbie. Like it's like it's life. So, come. completely normal, don't worry about it. I mean, you are going to worry about it, but I just want to

share that with you even if you can't digest it yet. Right. Yeah. Second thing is be super careful concretely about the W's and when you move them to the L's. Like, I want you to catch it in your mind when it happens and ask yourself, like, why am I moving this to the L column? How do I actually feel about this? Like, even if you feel it's okay for other people, but it's, not okay for me, you should still acknowledge that feeling and be like, wow, I'm setting a really hard standard for myself. So notice when you transfer the Ws to L. So there's actually research that shows that people who have imposter syndrome do this. They attribute the successes of others to effort and hard work, but they attribute their own successes to luck or circumstances. They

never take credit for their successes. So you've just got to start noticing it. Okay, my mom would be happy with this, but like if I had a kid, how would I respond to them? And then even if you can't do it yet, noticing you'll, it'll start to happen. Well, I actually have like a little anecdote that's like related to it. So when I first went to Europe, the first month there, I struggled really badly. like I don't know anyone there. I kind of speak the language. I don't like it wasn't in

English speaking country and I just self-taught for a few months before I went. So I couldn't really communicate. My stomach is weird. I couldn't eat the food there. I was I would just give me like food poisoning every time even though it was like a normal country right like there's nothing in all there. It was just me. But over like time over like second month, third month, fourth month, like, I started to feel like, fine. Like, yeah, this is just life now. But someone told me it's like, you've come so far from your first month. You do realize that, right?

And I was like, I sat down and I thought about it. I was like, yeah, I have. But that doesn't make you feel anything. Yes. Look at that. Turned out your first month sucked. And you were okay. Turns out that you got a 4.00 your first semester instead of all 4.3s.

and it turns out you're okay. Right. So just notice these things. Be patient with yourself even in this. So I'd also be very careful about one conversation to catch me up, to fix me and turn me into what I'm supposed to be. The worst thing I could do for you, David, is have you leave from this conversation,

imagining that you're living up to the standard that you're supposed to be. What you need to do is abandon the standard entirely. And like listen to yourself instead of what they're telling you. Don't ignore the outside world, right? So you should like, if you want to get an internship in the last six months, like hustle, you know, talk to your school about job placements and things like that. Talk to your professors. Like you should do all that work.

But like doing the work and feeling confident about it is actually completely independent, which you've proven to us today. Right. Yeah. Questions? It's just up to like, like when you talk about hustling and making connections and doing all that, it's like, I also feel behind that aspect. Sure. It's been COVID for a couple of years.

I don't really know my professors. They're professors. Like students that I know who are really close with professors, but they've been like in lab with them. They've done TA for them. Stuff like that. It's like, I don't even think that they would know my name. Okay. Right.

So what are you going to do about that? I would say change it, but I feel like I just don't have enough time. Okay. So you don't have to do that, right? So I think there are some advantages, but this is where you start to feel behind and time. So I'd like ignore all the time stuff. You have classes now? No, I have them like a couple days. Yeah. I mean, are you in school right now? Yeah, I am, but school hasn't like started yet. They start next week. So that means that you're going to have a new professor that you've never had before? It's the same professors generally.

Like, it's a pretty small department where, like, multiple professors teach multiple classes. So I just go and introduce yourself. How does that feel to you? Sounds weird. Yes, it does sound weird. And this is where you're like, oh, my God, I haven't done it for three years. How can I do it now? It's like, that's, I mean, your path forward is the same, whether you're ahead or you're behind.

Like, that's all false. Like, we've determined that already. Just do what you need to do. Say, hey, I've been in your classes for a couple years. My name is whatever. And then here's the other thing that you've got to be super careful about, David. You're sometimes shooting yourself in the foot. Because there are things, there are assumptions that you're making, which you're never giving people the chance to correct.

So I know that your mom said, why is this a 4.0? But, like, who knows? If you'd continued showing them your report cards, maybe. one of them would have said at some point, hey, this is a good job. I'm proud of you. We should go celebrate. But you only showed up one report card, so you're never giving them the opportunity. Maybe you'll go introduce yourself to your professor and you'll say, hey, my name is Dave.

And he's like, yeah, I know who you are. It's been a pleasure having you in the class. And you're going to be like, what? Yeah, I would not expect that at all. I mean, you've got a good GPA in a small department. I'm pretty sure they know who you are. Maybe. Maybe.

Who knows? Who knows, right? So either way, whether they know who you are or don't know who you are, like, you should still just go and do it. And you're going to feel bad. You're going to feel behind. But that's not reality. That's all expectations and conditioning. Yeah, that's true.

I'd focus on the Ws and L's and just keep doing what you're doing because it sounds like you're taking care of business like one step at a time, which is exactly what you should be doing. Right. Okay. It just feels like I could be doing so much more. Yeah. And you're going to continue to have that. feeling. And as you do more, does the feeling go away? Probably won't. It'll like elevate it. It'll be like what I could be doing next. I've achieved this, but it doesn't make me feel anything.

Exactly. I have another thing. Good. So notice that. It takes practice, David. It takes practice. But you'll get there. It definitely does. Yeah. Yeah. Because I don't think I've ever really like, aside from my grades, which I guess I also discounted with like that can of works. I felt like, yeah, my GPS high, but phrase don't matter. Why, like, I don't really have a reason to be put up. Yeah. Yeah, so there's you moving a W to an L again, right? Yeah.

So, like, you're not going to be confident or proud of yourself as long as you keep doing that. So that's why it kind of goes back to that. Notice every time you do that. Notice how you try to live up to expectations. And remember that when you actually listen to yourself, instead of listening to the expectations, oh, I shouldn't introduce myself now because it's too late now. other people know them better. That's all the voices from the outside.

That's not going to lead you down. It may make you successful. Because you'll flagellate yourself to become a very high performer. But it won't make you happy. Yeah, definitely. But even if I recognize that, how does that lead to confidence and happiness? I have to manifest that from within, but I don't know. It does.

How to feel that, right? I mean, so I know it's, I know. very confusing, but that's the first step. And it's the same way, it's like, in the same way that your study abroad experience is something that you're proud of, like, it's confusing. If you had never studied abroad and you had a conversation with yourself, you would not be able to convince yourself to study abroad. Right.

Yeah. So that's where, like, this is the point, David, where, like, I can't answer the next step for you. If you ask, how does it happen? This is where I'd say, have awareness and do it. And then you tell us. Right. Again, you said it in like one of your previous videos.

I watched like your YouTube videos and stuff. But just like people tell you that if you do X, X, X, Y, Z or whatever, it will happen. But no one tells you when it's going to happen. So patience. Yeah. Okay. Good luck to you, David. Thank you so much.

Take care of my. Thanks so much. Adios. Yeah. Thank you. Bye. Okay. So let's recap quickly before we move on.

So a really common, really, really common situation. Sometimes we grow up with expectations. And we try to live up to expectations. And in our attempts to live up to expectations, we actually do a decent job. but does it feel like a decent job? Every time we do something, our mind tells us you could do more. You could do better. It's not good enough.

Other people are doing more. And the more we listen to that voice, why do we listen to that voice? It's because we want to be confident. We want to be happy. We want to be successful. And if our mind tells us like, oh, like, do more, do more, do more. And why do we listen to it to make it shut up? Right?

So we want to do something where our mind is like good. job instead of do more. So we're like, okay, I got to do more, do more, and eventually the mind will be quiet. What are we actually reinforcing in that situation? We're actually reinforcing the behavior of inadequacy. We're reinforcing this idea that when I accomplish something, my mind tells me to do more. We're like literally activating those neurons of inadequacy over and over and over and over again. And so what do you find in these people?

What you find is anytime there's a success, they take that W and move it to the L. And we heard today where that, like literally where that comes from. And so we have a 20-year-old who's got an excellent GPA, has studied abroad exercises, has become more social, who's like, oh my God, I'm such a noob. If that guy's a noob, what does that make me? Right? So be careful about what your mind does. Be careful about using achievement as a shortcut to confidence.

Because paradoxically, you can wind up in this situation, where the more you achieve, your mind can always find someone who's better than you. Right? So be careful about that. And notice when you do something that's a win and you move it to the L, as long as you keep doing that, you're not going to be confident in yourself because you don't let yourself celebrate the wins. You turn them into losses.

There's all kinds of crap that can come up to. But if I start being content with my wins, does that mean that I'm apathetic and I'm not going to achieve anymore? Like, it's all kinds of crap that your mind will argue. It's a conversation for another day. We'll get a call on that eventually. But just focus on that. And be careful about trying to live a life where you live up to expectations instead of listening to what's in here. Because it's a fast way to unhappiness for sure.

And paradoxically, in my experience, generally speaking leads to less success over time because you get burnt out. It's not in your heart. When you show up at work, like even though it's prestigious, you don't actually want to be there. And what's going to happen is there is someone who actually wants to be there and is just as capable as you are. And then they're going to outperform you. And then that's going to make you feel worse. You're going to push yourself even farther to catch up to that person.

But the more that you push yourself doing something that you don't enjoy, you'll just never catch someone. who enjoys what they do. So listen to this and then move in a different direction where there's going to be a bunch of other people who have forced themselves into that situation, but now you're the one who's passionate about being there. And so then you'll rise to the top. Kind of bizarre.

Think through a lot of your assumptions about stuff. Like, is life a race? Like, what's at the end? Right? So I'll leave y'all with one last thing before we move on to the next caller. When I was, I realized this later. So I kind of like screwed around in my 20s instead of becoming a doctor.

So I started med school around 27, 28. Finish med school at 32. And so people are like, you know, I was thinking about that. And I was like, oh my God, I'm so behind. I'm so behind. I'm so behind. I finished med school at the age of 32. I had a friend from high school and finished med school at the age of 24.

I'm eight years older than she was. Oh, my God. Then she started residency and worked 100 hours a week between the ages of 24 and 28. Between 24 or 28, like I went to India, spent some time at ashrums, did a lot of gaming. I had a blast. And so this is the thing that really confuses me about people who are trying to get ahead. Are you trying to get ahead so that you can retire at the age of 60 instead of 65 so you can really enjoy those last 10 years of your life? and sacrificing your 20s?

Like you're trading a year in your 20s for a year in your 60s. Is that a good trade? Just think about it for a second. Don't automatically accept whatever the expectations the world is feeding you. 20s are a great time to waste time, honestly. Way better, I imagine, than wasted your time in your 70s. So random 955 is asking, what if the expectation is not from external, but myself. So this is the question you got to ask yourself. Very good question, random 955.

Where did that internal expectation come from? Because chances are it's not an expectation that was born of your introspection and exploration. It's a expectation that you internalized. Chances are, right? Because that's where most of our expectations come from.