HealthyGamerGG - Anxiety, Expectations, Success with Mizkif Pt. 2

Episode Date: March 5, 2020

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and even boxing everything you need on and off. The Peloton Tread. Experience it all for yourself with a 30-day home trial. Learn more at OnePeloton.com. And the more you guys study yourself, the better off, the closer the gap becomes between me and you, because ultimately we're all the same. We're all lazy mofos. Okay, let's get started with misgift. I'm really tired.

Oh, I'm sorry, you hear that, man. What's going to... What's up with that? I don't know why. I just get... Lately, I've been getting really bad anxiety at night. Like I never had anxiety my entire life, but I can't sleep at night anymore because I just get I'll wake up and it's not even like it's a bad dream and my stomach will be turning and I have no idea what to do. Okay. So let's talk about that. Is that what you'd like to talk? I mean, is that that that seems to be to be the most pressing because it's like on your mind.

It's something that like, I mean, it's really annoying because it affects me for stream for sure because I'm a lot more tired. But when I get a lot of sleep, I feel a lot better. When I don't get a lot of sleep, I feel like crap. Okay. So I noticed a couple of things have changed, Ms. Kiff. What things? My wall? Nope.

Oh, well, yeah, your wall has changed, too, but that's not what I was thinking about. I was thinking about the time it took you to get a pencil and a piece of paper. Oh, yeah, I got that pretty quick. Yeah. That was my first thing I thought about. Yeah, I noticed. So that's a... I'm back.

Okay. So then something else has changed. What did you just do? I made sure to not have noises and stuff like that so I could focus. Beautiful. Well done, my friend. I feel like a five-year-old. Yeah, right?

So that's the feeling of shame. But like that feeling is going to be there, right? So let's just, okay. I'm going to dive in. Is that okay, Ms. Kiff? Mm-hmm. Okay, so you feel like a five-year-old because here I am and it's kind of my fault because I'm saying like, good job.

You got your pencil on time and you closed the door. And I know I didn't mean to make it sound condescending. But like seriously, Ms. Kipp, I think this is, you got to meet yourself where you're at, right? And you have to set up like, this is the difference between sucking at life and being good at life. It's not about like being ashamed. And the problem is that shame gets in the way and makes us want to not do things that we need to do to take care of ourselves. Right? So like I can feel ashamed for like needing a personal trainer to work out because so many people work out on their own.

But if I need a personal trainer, I need a personal trainer. And in your case, I think you've done a masterful job of little things, tiny, tiny things that are going to improve your your output and your attention over the course of the next hour. And you've already incorporated them. Thanks. And just think about it. Like if anyone else, if they were in an interview and like if I grabbed my, like if I just grabbed, if I closed the door and grabbed a piece of paper and a pen, like we wouldn't think anything about it, right? That would just be completely normal. Right?

The only reason I'm pointing it out to you is because I see you making a big difference in your life based on one conversation. And so I actually find that really, really reassuring because this tells me this is a guy who if I try to share something with him, he's actually going to fucking pay attention and like it will do something. There are some people that I talk to where like they don't take what I offer them and like that's a waste of my time.

But you are not like you're the very opposite of waste of my time. I'm sorry if it sort of feels kind of condescending. I really didn't mean to. No, I that's fine. I don't, I didn't care. Okay. So do you want to talk a little bit more about attention and stuff or you want to talk about what keeps you from sleeping?

I think we could do both. I think the sleeping thing to me is probably the most pressing thing because I can't sleep anymore. It drives me nuts. Yeah, it's really rough. Tell me about that. What's keeping you from sleeping? I don't know.

I'll go to bed and then during the night I'll just have anxiety. Like I'll randomly, I'll wake up multiple times throughout the night and I'll be really tired the next day because I just can't sleep because I have anxiety. because I have anxiety. So I'll just constantly wake up. I probably like around six, like four to six times a night. And then sometimes I can't just, I can't go back to bed. So, so tell me what you mean by anxiety. I, I think it's anxiety.

I mean, it's, my stomach feels like it's turning. And then it's like, I almost feel like I did an ab workout during while I'm sleeping. Okay. That's what I feel. So stomach feels turning. So you feel queasy? It's not like I feel sick I feel like it's like my

I can feel like flex your abs Like that's how it feels like I I feel like I did that the entire time I'm sleeping Are you dreaming? Yes What I always dream? What kind of dreams are you having? Oh the most ridiculous dreams ever

I had a dream They're Like I had a dream yesterday That I had a wheelbarrow that was Electric that because that was going down my streets, and then people were trying to find me or something like that. I don't even remember the whole story, but I just remember I was really just driving around an electric wheelbarrow. And when people were trying to find you, was there some sort of fearful emotion around that?

Like, did you not want to be found? I remember, I don't think I was even that worried because I was in a wheelbarrow, to be honest with you. I think my one thing that would make me feel weird was my one friend, While I was dreaming, my friend took my stream and went live on it, and I got really angry at him. I don't know if that would make me, like, my stomach turn, though. That's in the dream. Mm-hmm. Okay, so that didn't actually happen, but you dreamed about being, you dreamed about dreaming and your friend going live on your stream.

Yeah. Okay. So it sounds like you felt angry with him in the dream. probably yeah okay and then i woke up okay and um and so so your your dreams like i don't know how else can you tell me about like another one just ran like it doesn't the details actually aren't that important just if something comes into mind if you can't tell me about another one that's fine like if nothing comes in mind that's okay i'm just trying to detect patterns if there are any but you dream all night long basically yeah

Like my dreams are make no sense. They're really stupid, but I do dream every single all the time. Like whenever I wake up, I'm like, wow, that dream was terrible. And then I go back to bed. But it's never like nightmares. It's never like, oh, wow, this is like a nightmare. It's usually just something on the lines of just something happening in my dreams. Like I know two years ago I would have the same kind of dream and I wouldn't feel queasy at night.

I've never had this feeling of my abs hurting at night. Okay. I'm trying to sleep. Okay. And do you have trouble falling asleep? Not really that bad, honestly. It's not trouble falling asleep. I just don't think I get deep sleep ever.

I feel like I am very light sleeper. Like, I'll wake up and it's like one of my roommates opens the fridge. So I'm a very light sleeper and it's really bad. I just can't sleep at night. And it's definitely affecting my stream. I mean, you can see bags under my eyes. So, so, Ms. Kiff, what, can you tell me about your sleeping environment? It's, it's pretty dark.

It's, ah, I wish I had a picture of it. I think I definitely do. What? It's just, it's in my closet. It's, it's just a bed that, it literally is just a bed in the closet, and that's it's just a bed in the closet. And that's it's close. And it's pitch black. Do you?

Uh, okay. So your bed is in your closet. Yeah. So it's like this. That's my bed. This is my closet and that's the door. Okay, gotcha. Um, and do you, do you have like, do you listen to music or anything before you fall asleep or have a noise machine or anything like that?

Mm-mm. Nothing. You have a fan. Are you hot when you sleep? Sometimes, but not. often. Because if it's a closet, it must not have like ventilation, right? It does. Okay. Interesting. Yeah. And you're in Texas? Is that right? Mm-hmm. Okay. Have you ever slept with a weighted blanket? I have three. Okay. And tell me about your experience with weighted blankets. They, I, so last March, I used to get terrible anxiety. I had

horrible anxiety every night. It was this, the anxiety I get it now is like 70% reduced ever since I started taking, what was I taking? I forget. I forgot what, I take it antidepressant. I forget what antidepressant it's called. Okay.

It's like the very common one. You probably know what it is. Zoloft, Lexapro. Lexer Prozac. So ever since I started taking that, it's been reduced like 70% I would say. Good.

But back in like last year around April, like in May, my anxiety was terrible. I've always had bad, not a bad anxiety, but I always kick in my sleep a lot. So I got an ADHD or I got one of those blankets and it's helped me a lot,

like a lot. So I have three of them now. Are they different weights? Yeah. So one's 15, one's 22, and one's 20. How much do you weigh?

if you don't mind me asking? 170. And which one do you, which one do you find works the best for you? Probably the 20, because I used the 22 for a while and it was way too heavy. So just a quick rule of thumb

for what kind of weight you want for a weighted blanket. You want it to be 10 to 12% of your body weight. So if I had to, you know, recommend one for you, it would be 20 pounds. Yeah. It's interesting. Okay. So I was going to say you're the first person that I've talked to that has like different weights

because usually what I, you know, people come and I say like, why don't you get a weighted blanket, get one that's 10 to 12 percent of your body weight and then they just get, you know, that. So that's interesting. Interesting that you actually tried multiple ones in the 10 to 12 percent range actually works best for you. Yeah. No, it, 22 is way too heavy and I was noticing that I was having trouble breathing when I was sleeping because I'm like, I just couldn't. That's why the weight was very important.

Yeah. And then the 15 pound was okay, but it was, it was like, I was pretty much a Goldilocks and the Three Bears or whatever. Yeah. You know, the first one was too heavy. Yeah, it's just right. That's great. Okay.

So it sounds like you don't actually have trouble falling asleep. It sounds like your sleep is disturbed and then you wake up and then you feel a lot of, is it tension in your stomach? Yeah. word, it's really bad. And I notice that every night, it feels like my abs are, like, I, I just feel like I did an app workout. And it happens multiple times throughout the night. Are you worried about something? Something that's really on my mind that I'm worrying about all the time? Streaming. I mean, that's like the one thing I would say I worry about a lot is streaming. Okay. And how many of your

awakenings happen after a dream? During a dream, usually. During a dream. During a dream. usually. I'll usually be dreaming and then it will happen. Like I'll just be at the beach. I remember, okay, I remember one. I was at the beach and there was like a 70 foot wave that was coming and it was the middle of the summer and

I was in the water but I didn't give a crap and there was and the beach the waves came and crashed but and then I woke up

but I didn't I wasn't scared you weren't scared in the dream or you weren't scared when you woke up I wasn't scared in the dream hmm can I think for a second okay so Ms. Kiff

I've got a couple of different options for you all right they range from various amounts of like conservative and like safe stuff to talk about to like wild and imaginative okay so one

one option. So first of all, I don't know that what you're feeling is anxiety. Okay. Let's just, what you're describing actually feels to me to be tension because you're not like so anxiety, when I think about anxiety, I think about worry. I think about thinking about the future. Like generally speaking, people who have anxiety worried about what's going to happen. The weirdest thing is that, so usually people who have anxiety have trouble falling asleep. Yeah, I have no problem falling asleep. Because their mind is active. keeps them awake. They're like worrying about the next day. They're worrying about this, worrying about that, and they have trouble falling asleep. You're not actually describing that. The other thing about anxiety is anxiety does affect the stomach, but it usually affects it in terms of like queasiness as opposed to like tension. The other thing is that there seems to be, so I'm not so sure how much anxiety like fits with what you're describing, which maybe it is anxiety, but it's kind of like you're not using some of the more standard language for anxiety. Now, I understand that you do have anxiety around the stream.

So one option is that we can assume that this anxiety is maybe related to like some kind of subconscious anxiety about stream. We can talk about your concerns around streaming. We can try to help you with some of that anxiety. Sounds like that would be like a pretty good use of our time. And then the hope there would be that generally speaking, as the mind becomes more calm in the waking world and as the, you know, as there's a weight off of your mind, then your sleep will become more peaceful. That's kind of like a no-brainer. I feel like it's a lot of...

I feel like it's a lot that I have a lot of... I feel a lot of stress all the time when it comes to streaming and when it comes to my life. And maybe that is making my... This was my thought on it. Was that I have a lot of stress constantly and I'm super stressed and I'm thinking about streaming all the time. Because the thing is, I think the average person, when they work, right? Like my dad, when he goes to work...

work. When he's done with work, it's done. When he's done with work, he goes to bed, or he goes home and he watches CNN and he yells to TV. And for me, I don't ever get off work. My job, streaming is a lifestyle. It's something where my life is streaming. I am MISKiff 24-7. And while there's a lot of parts of that that I really do enjoy, there is pieces of it that are bad. And I think me worrying about stuff, be worrying about streaming, me worrying about if I need to do this, what am I going to do tomorrow? You know, am I still doing this? Am I good enough for this?

I think worrying about all that stuff constantly is, is, and then I like being stressed all day is making me wake up in the middle of the night. Yeah, I think that makes a lot of sense. So it sounds like that's maybe what we should talk about today. Yeah. Okay, so tell me a little bit about what it's like to constantly be. thinking about streaming? It's a

I don't mind it really sometimes when I think about the idea of always thinking about streaming and always thinking about Twitch I don't mind it but sometimes it does suck like

you know I'm always stressed if I'm like if I should stream or what I need to do for streaming and I think a lot of like competitive streamers I guess you can call them are people that care about their streams a lot professional streamers care. And it's because they have fears that I think are irrational sometimes, but the fear of, you know,

becoming irrelevant, the fear of one day you turn on your stream and no one's there. The fear that, you know, you're not good enough anymore. You know, are you really entertaining anymore? Is, do people really care about you? And those kind of fears constantly are looming, looming me? Looming? Yeah. And it scares the crap out of me.

And I think about it all day. So you're afraid that, that, you know, right now you're streaming and you have viewers and stuff, but that one day, you know, that's going to, your viewership will drop off, right? Like, you can't stay relevant forever. I feel like it's like I, it's almost like vines in a, in a jungle. And I feel like I've been trying to grab onto, I'm like constantly trying to grab on the vines every day and I'm barely surviving. It's how I feel. Okay. So what I'm hearing from you is like kind of a complete lack of security in your future.

Right. It's not so much about success day to day. And it's about like when you wake up in the morning, it's sort of like, you know, actually what it sounds like, Ms. Kiff, do you watch football? No. Okay. You know what a Hail Mary is? Yeah. It's like every play is a Hail Mary.

Right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's exactly it. It feels like every day is like Hail Mary. am, you know, am I actually going to even be, like, yeah. Yeah. I couldn't think of anything.

No, I mean, I think it sounds awful, actually. Like, so what I'm also hearing from you is that you're living life on the edge, right? Like, it's, you're kind of like, you're just right on the precipice. And if things don't work out, you know, if you get a couple bad streams, then, like, your viewership drops and this happens and then this happens. Like you're kind of on the edge of the cliff and like there's there's there's never no matter how successful you are. It's it seems to me like it's it's basically impossible for you to move away from the edge of the cliff. Yeah. And I feel like a lot of that angst comes from when I grew a lot last year.

When I grew a lot last year in May, I started to feel like, you know, when you double your view count overnight, it becomes something like are these things? people really there for me or are they there because of the hype and i am terrified that they're going to just leave one day and then people are just going to shit on me and be like oh you know you suck like you're a dead streamer blah blah blah all that stuff like it's not a fun thing to think about it scares me because i don't want them to leave you know i don't want to go back to i feel like i've worked so hard And to go back to like half of what I had or something like that really scares me. Okay.

Yeah. Can I think for a second? Mm-hmm. Can you tell me about what it was like to grow so quickly? It was, it's just pressure. And it just comes down to pressure and stress because people are constantly thinking that you need to. And the thing is, I don't even know if it's people thinking this or if it's just me over-analizing it. But I constantly feel like I need to be entertaining or a constantly.

constantly feel like I need to be doing something, or, you know, they're just going to leave and never come back, or I feel like that, you know, that they, they just think that I need to constantly be, I guess the word is entertaining. And it's just stressful. And I don't. Can you control how entertaining you are? Yeah, for sure. And I mean, well, I think, I mean, you can ask my friends off stream, but I, I, I do. always try to entertain. There's not a moment besides, I guess, right now, where I am not trying to entertain. I'm always trying to make people laugh. It's, it's my life. It's been my life since I was a kid was to try and make people laugh. Okay. So, so that's not the question that I asked, though. So I didn't ask, can you try to be entertaining? I asked, can you control how entertaining you are? What do you mean by that? So trying to be entertaining is like sort of an effort or an action. controlling how entertaining you are is about an outcome.

Being entertaining is not actually, like, is about other people's perception of whether you're entertaining or not. It has nothing to do. It's not the same as your efforts, right? So, like, there's a difference between I tell 10 jokes a day to try to be funny, and I tell 10 funny jokes a day. Oh. Does that make sense?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. So can you... Can I control if I'm funny or not? No. So can you control whether you're entertaining or not? No. I mean, like, it's some days I have it.

Some days I just don't give a shit. It's really it. Which makes sense, right? Because I think that's why... So if I had to put myself in your shoes and I realized deep down that I actually do not control how entertaining I am, it logically

leads to your fears of every day as a Hail Mary because you actually can't control whether people it's true right make sense because you can't control whether they're going to laugh and here you are spending every waking and sleeping moment trying to figure out how to make them laugh yeah that's actually very true

it's so true and you think I got to think more if I think I think I think I think, I think, I think. You're the quarterback who looks at the field and says, I got to throw a Hail Mary. And every waking minute, you're thinking, how can I make sure that this Hail Mary gets caught? Yeah.

And if I think harder, and if I think during my sleep, and if I think when I'm taking a shit, if I think about it, worry about it, stress about it, how can I make sure that that Hail Mary lands? the reality is that you can't like I

the more you think about trying to be funny like I don't remember anything from when I was a kid I just don't I just remember I was a piece of shit but I remember why one friend Danny um he always he always asked me

like how do you make everybody laugh or how do you always how are you always being funny and I said to him I said the key to being funny is don't try And that's the problem that he had. I was like, you always are trying to be funny

and no one is going to laugh because you're trying or you're caring too much. You're trying to think about it. And I think back then it doesn't, it's different than compared to being a streamer, right? Because I feel that being a streamer, I always need to be entertaining, especially ever since I grew massively.

But the reality is in being funny, you can't always be funny, right? It's like if everything is good, then, you know, if everything is good, then it's not good. It's just average, right? You want to make sure that your jokes are funny. You want to make sure that you're being funny and not. It almost sounds like you also want to make sure that there are times where you're not funny.

Well, you, because it's important to not force it, right? I mean, if I'm telling jokes seven hours a day or I'm trying to be funny for seven hours, it doesn't work. You can't be that. No one is like that. And it's, you know, it's not a reality. But I try to be as much as possible entertaining. And sometimes I feel like I'm almost like I'm trying to force it when it's just not there.

And it stresses me because I think that's what you said is exactly it. I think about it all day, every day. And it goes into my sleep where I'm thinking about it all day every day that I need to be entertaining because streaming is a 24-7 job. And I feel like I need to be doing that. When I was always like that. I mean, I always was thinking that I need to be entertaining. But not to the point now, because, you know, back then, if I went to my friend's house and just played Halo and I didn't feel like making a joke,

no one gave a shit. But nowadays, if I go live and I play video games, people are like, why aren't you being funny? Like, what are you doing? Like, they're like poking a stick at me, like, dance monkey. How does that feel? Um, not the best, but, I mean, it comes with the job. You know, you got to.

you got to do what you got to do. So, Misk, if I want to kind of come back to this core point, I mean, you shared a lot of stuff about, you know, being funny and trying and,

and controlling and, and sort of, I was kind of confused because I felt like you were saying all the stuff that I'm supposed to say. Which, what part? Because I probably think about this all the time.

Yeah. Does that make sense? Like, I feel like you told yourself exactly what it's my job to tell you, which is that, You can't control the Hail Mary. Yeah.

It's nice to hear from you, though, because you're... Well, I mean, you know it. Like, I didn't even say it. Like, you said it, right? You're thinking about your friend, and it's almost like you're drawing a parallel between who you are now and who your friend used to be. Yeah. That suddenly you...

Somewhere along the way you started trying. Okay? Actually, you've always tried. Somewhere along the way you became trapped by the end. expectation of being funny. Yeah, that's it. You let yourself be bound by it. And what you used to do is you used to just be you.

Yeah, it was easy to be you. And people saw that and they loved it and you grew. And somewhere along the way, you stopped being you and you started pretending to be you. Yeah. Yeah. You started trying to become the person that they, that attracted them in the first place. which is kind of weird because that's sort of you, but it's not actually you, right?

You started, instead of being yourself, you started living like up to this like ideal misgift, which is actually like a mythological thing. Like that's not a real thing, man. Because what they saw was you. And I think probably, I've noticed this like time and time again because I've talked to a fair number of streamers.

I don't know if it's a selection bias, but I think part of what attracts people to Twitch is not seeing someone perfect. it's seeing somewhat flawed. Right? And I think that this is kind of, this is wild because I think, Miskiff, unfortunately, the real problem here is that actually you're a fucking smart guy. The real problem is that your mind is able to see futures for you and perform calculations.

So many calculations where you crash and burn. So one thing I've seen about anxiety is the smarter you are, the worse the anxiety is. Hmm. Yeah, I get to see that. And so your mind is like calculating all of these different options, like if you don't do this and if you don't do this and if you don't do this. And what you're looking for is the answer, right? You've got, you're like, you're a quarterback with a five head and you're thinking about wind speed and this and that. How can I calculate to make sure this pass gets caught?

But the truth is you can't. So now, Miski, if we come to something that's really, really wild, terrifying and crazy. which is surrender. In life, you do not control the outcomes. You only control your efforts. And if you want to be at peace with yourself, understand that the more you stress, when you talk about stress,

what you're trying to do is control an outcome. It's like you're into a girl and you want to say the perfect thing to get her to say yes when you ask her out. How can I make her say yes? And your mind does backflips and loops and you're drawing on chalkboards and you're calculating things out and you're taking notes. You're stressing about it. You're thinking about it, thinking about it, thinking about it, thinking about it, thinking about it. Because there are these possibilities.

And one day, like, how can you figure out a formula so that every day when you stream, you're funny and people like it and they're going to continue to grow and they'll never abandon you and you can have security for the rest of your life? you are setting up a problem for yourself that is so impossible to solve. But at the same time, you're a smart guy and you rely on solving problems. You've trusted yourself because your whole life, you've actually been plagued with difficulties, and yet your mind finds a way to overcome them. Whether it's ADD in school or this or that or whatever, like you've always found a way. You've relied on your mind. It's incredibly powerful.

It's always showed you a way to, like, move forward. And now you come to the unsolved. problem, the constant stress of how do I make sure they stay? And you're in an in an industry where you can't. Yeah. So the bizarre thing here is, and I think you sort of have the first half of the answer yourself, which is like what you told your friend, is that you can't actually guarantee that they're going to come. You can't guarantee that they're going to stay and you can't guarantee that you're going to be funny. And stress as much as you want to, you cannot control the outcomes of your actions. And so this is terrifying because what this means is that for you to be at peace,

you have to give up control. So there is a way forward, which is that you try to be yourself, right? So like this, I know this sounds crazy, but I know exactly what you're talking about. Because this is weird. You've had it similar, right? Absolutely. Right? From zero to 18,000 viewers in two months. Yeah. it's terrifying and like I struggled too and so the difference between me and many other streamers

is I am so fucking lucky that I've spent 15 years meditating before I started my first stream so I have some tools in my toolkit and I've learned certain things and the first is that as a human being you learn this in medicine real fucking quick it's not just meditation it's also in medicine

that I can try, I can care about a patient as much as I want to, I cannot save them. You just can't control. Like, I can study, I can work. But at the end of the day, the doctors who get torn alive by themselves are the ones who try to control whether they can save a life or not. That's terrifying, though. What's terrifying about it? You know, it goes back to the streaming thing. It's just the possibility that you can.

If you don't, if you, if you lose what you had or if you're not yourself anymore, you can just, it goes away. What goes away? Everybody. Your success. This is where you got to be a little bit careful with your thinking, okay? Because Ms. Kiff, your, your Twitch success may go, go away, but you won't go away. And now you have another problem where who you are is getting tango. up with Twitch.

You are starting to derive a sense of value and purpose related to your viewer account, which unfortunately is exactly how social media operates. Like, it's not, I don't think that it's like diabolical. I don't think they designed it like this, but it's just like when you see your viewer account, like, you have an objective measure of your value as a human being. And that's becoming like, it's terrifying. But like, you know, human beings, like, if you look at a tribe of apes, they have sort of like a social standing, but it's nebulous, right? There's no, like, there's no quantitative. It's not like,

like a troop of chimpanzees have like numbers stamped on their head about like what their value in the tribe is. Does that make sense? Yeah. And that's how we used to be too, right? So like, you used to like, if you think about, you know, 50 years ago, sure, some people were rich and some people had nice cars, but some people were really good at making brownies. And some people were super nice. And some people had kids that were like great at playing the violin. And so our sense of worth was like really, really nebulous. And so we had some degree of comfort in that because like there's no way to like rank like the quality of brownie versus like making 10,000 more dollars in a year. Yeah.

You can't, you just can't compare that. Whereas now what's happened is life has given us a way to stamp a number on our forehead about what we're worth. I also feel like an issue with that is it's not only that we're stamping a number that we're worth it's the social climb never ends you know it's that you know like I was content with what I had a year ago

but I wanted a little bit more and I still said that today you know it's it never ends and I'm sure if I grow it's still gonna I'm still gonna want more because there's always a bigger fish out there excellent so I'm glad you recognize that you're actually in a good spot. Miskiff.

So I also work with people who are, you know, have net worths of $100 million, $500 million, billion. Some of them want more. It's never enough. So now we get to a couple of really core principles. So the first is that satisfaction doesn't come from the outside. It comes from within. It is much of like a hippie, yoga hippie, Oprah kind of thing that that's like that's literally

how it works. Yeah. I agree. I agree. And it's wild to actually think about it. Second thing is you cannot control the outcomes of your actions. You can only control your actions. What do you think about that?

You can't control the outcome of your actions. You can only control your actions. So it goes back to what you said about making jokes or doing things. It's you can't control it. You can you can't control if they're going to laugh or not. You just got to be you. Exactly. Very good. So I'm glad you clarified what it is. What you control is whether you make a joke and what the joke is. You do not control whether they laugh. Yeah. This is a terrifying and transformative realization for you to embrace fully. Because our whole life, our society and our system of functioning is based on the idea that you can control the outcomes of your actions.

it's just terrifying because what's terrifying about it good that means you understand it misgift what's terrifying you know it I I I I it's the idea that

people put me on this like pedestal like what I need to be which is like this streamer that you know is always has to be entertaining or funny and stuff like that and while a lot of times I feel like I

am, but there's just sometimes where I'm not. And it's terrifying because I don't want to lose them. I don't want to lose my people because they have too high of expectations. Very good. So two really important things that you said there. The first, understand this. You were trying to live up to the expectation. in the mind of a viewer.

And Twitch chat at that. Not just a regular viewer. Twitch chat. Right? What's crazy is I've asked them. And I've also been a Twitch viewer. Seven years, eight years. And I know that they just,

they don't even care. Like, they don't give a shit. Excellent. Like, I have asked them or they have, I've been there. And, you know, streamers are completely. planning or thinking about stuff. And as a viewer, they're just like, what do you want about? Like, you are fine. Nothing is a problem. We don't care.

Beautiful. Next step. So what I said is actually false. Okay. The expectation that you are trying to live up to is the expectation of what you imagine Twitter chat thinks about you. Yeah. It's not actually them. It's you. The expectation that you fail to live up to is the one that you create for yourself. it's not coming from the rest of the world. Yeah. You torture yourself by your own expectation. It's created by your mind.

Because Twitch chat is actually lovely. They're like wonderful people. Like, I know it's crazy. No, I, I, I've, I've done plenty of streams where I'm like, you know, I'll, I hang out with my offline chat a lot. And I'll be like, that was a terrible stream. They're like, dude, what are you on about? I was fine. I was like, no, like, it was bad.

It's my expectations or I think that I didn't do enough. I didn't say enough jokes. I didn't try to be funny. I wasn't saying stuff. Like, dude, it was fine. Like, it was a good stream. Okay. I haven't allowed.

Good. So let's file that away. Because I think the problem is that when you get that kind of data, it like passes through you, right? Yeah. You're like, you have like a strainer. You're like a colander that catches all the bad thoughts and lets the positivity flow through like water. The bad thoughts of the bad thoughts. The bad thoughts are the pasta and the water are the good thoughts.

And all the reasons that you should trust in your success, the fact that you've grown, like what, you think you've been faking it for a year, for two years? Yeah, I haven't. Been scamming people? No, actually, what you've been is you. Right? That's what they're, they're latching on to is you.

And then somewhere along the way, like, instead of just having fun with it, which is what is responsible for your rise, you create an expectation for yourself. you try to live up to that expectation and thereby you fuck yourself. Yeah. Constant stress. How can I be the misgift of before? And in that, what you're looking for is security.

You want them to stay. Here's the crazy thing. You can't make them stay. In the same way that a doctor cannot save a life, in the same way that even over the course of this hour, I can't help you. Do you understand that? Like when I approach this...

You lead a horse to water. Absolutely. And they're going to do what they're going to do. And so the other thing that's terrifying about this is use the word want. That's the problem. You want. And I would guess that when you started streaming, you actually didn't want. No, I wanted.

Okay. I wanted really bad. Okay. So something to be further explored. But I think your desire or your expectation, so let's stick with expectation. So I'm wrong about the want, but we can explore that later. let's kind of stick with this idea of expectation. So I want you to understand this.

Like what effect does expectation have on an experience for a human being? So let's just like pick movies, for example. Like if I have an expectation about a movie, what does that do to my like experience of the movie? You, well, if you expect something, then it's probably, you feel like, oh, it's going to be really good. then if it doesn't live up to that standard or close, you're going to hate it. And what if it does live up to that standard? It won't be as good. What if I expect nothing from that movie?

It's probably better if you think like the movie's going to suck, and then you go into it and it's actually really good. Yeah. And you're like, wow, that was a really good movie. So I remember, have you ever seen a movie called What We Do in the Shadows? I never watched movies. Okay. So I had no idea what this movie was.

Like, no idea. just watched it and I like absolutely loved it and if I knew it's the kind of movie that if you know anything about it I think the more you know about it before you watch the worst it's going to be and so let's just think about this for a second right so now like you're suffering misgift you get that yeah you're suffering intensely and the size of your expectations has grown and as your expectations grow your suffering grows and the reason that you're expect is because you want security from the future. You're trying to literally just think about this for a second. What I'm going to say sounds crazy out of the context of this conversation.

You are trying to control the future. Yes. Can you control the future? No. So the earlier that you accept that, so this is where we get to surrender. Okay. So what the yogi say is for someone who is filled with expectation, the solution is surrender. Surrender, surrender, acknowledge that you can't control the future acknowledge that there's nothing you can say to make that girl fall in love with you acknowledge that you can't make the Hail Mary acknowledge that there's no way to guarantee success

and that acknowledgement is fucking terrifying because it's all of your worst fears right but something something bizarre happens when you surrender is you start to feel at peace the other bizarre thing that I've seen over and over and over again is your life actually does get better materialistically.

How do I surrender them? So I think you just, you focus on the action instead of the outcome. So every day, Miskip, the most that you can do is like stream and do the best that you can. If there's some amount of thinking about stuff off stream, that's fine. Like, if you have to work off stream to improve your stream, then so be it. But understand that like focusing on the outcome and stressing about whether you're going to be good or not is actually like, that doesn't, you can't be good. Like, understand that, like, no matter how hard you try and how much you think,

it's not up to you. So some people surrender through God or the idea of God, right? So they, like, put things, like, on God. And they kind of acknowledge that there's a higher power. Like, you see this in AA. So, like, what, it's kind of interesting because AA, like, really helps people stay sober. You know what AA is, alcoholics and others. And the funny thing about, like, AA is, like, they achieve sobriety.

with like a foundation of that they're like a flawed human being and like they're not going to be able to do it. That's actually where they start. But something bizarre happens to your psychology once you accept that you're not in control and that failure is a real possibility. And then what happens? Because the problem with alcoholics is like they fuck up when they think they're in control. Does that make sense? So the more that they think they can handle it, the worse off they do. And when they start to accept that they actually can't control it, that they can't handle it, they're. They start to treat the alcohol with respect and they stay away from it. So in a bizarre way, does that make sense? Kind of. It's bizarre. It's paradoxical. It's not how our mind usually works.

And so for a lot of people, this is like religion. So it doesn't have to be religion, by the way. I'm just using these examples. So some people will surrender to God. So they'll say like, okay, like, you know, I really want this job, but I'm going to pray in God if it's like, if it's in line with what you want for me, then wonderful, I'll be happy. But they kind of like let go of their control. Yeah. And I've worked really hard for this, but at the same time, if it is in your divine will, then so be it. So they go down that round.

So that's like one way you can do it. The interesting thing is that, you know, it doesn't have to be God. It's just the idea that you acknowledge that you are not in control of the future, that you can't make the Hail Mary land. You can't make a woman fall in love with you. That's the important thing. It's just understand that like every day when you wake up, you cannot

you can't create a success on stream you can only give what you have to give yeah it's like I drew it but yeah show me like I feel like that's pretty much how it is where it's like the expectation

that I put it's not even them which is crazy like they don't care but I put this expectation it's super high for me and then but this is the reality where it's like sometimes I will meet the expectation and like I will do whatever, but I always,

I'm constantly thinking about it. I think this is what probably also doesn't help me sleep, is I'm constantly thinking about it all day, every day, which actually makes this go lower, because like I said, when I told my friend Danny where it's like, if you try, you're never funny. If you try to be entertaining,

no one's going to laugh because it's not funny. You could tell when a joke's forced. You could tell when something's not authentic. And the, that actually makes this go lower. And this expectation is not going to be met. You know, this is the reality. And what I have to realize is this is it.

And it will never be this. It can't be this. As much as I think about it all day, the more I think about it gets worse. But as much as I think about it all day, this can and will never happen of my expectations. And I just have to understand that I am pretty much human. And I don't know if this is also affected because of my ego.

Absolutely. Yeah? Ego is absolutely tied into there. Crap. Right? Yeah, I believe that. Right? So I know you believe it.

Because when you said, like, what I have to accept is that I'm human. That's not what your ego thinks, Ms. Kiff. Your Mzgift does not, your ego does not expect of you to be human. It expects of you to be super human. Yeah, I expect myself. I'm like a, yeah. Right? I am the God that people pray to.

There's your ego. Good. I don't think myself that high. So this is where there are a couple of other things. Okay. So I'm going to give you a couple of analogies. So a lot of this, the good news, I mean, there's good and bad news here. The good news is that you can fix this and most of this is going on in your mind. The bad news is because it's going on in your mind, it's harder to fix than something that is going on outside of your mind.

Yeah. It's like hardware and software. Yeah. I mean, like sometimes if there's a bad situation, it's external and it's relatively easy to fix. Fixing yourself is sometimes harder. Okay? So here are a couple of things. So like, let me put it to you this way.

So when I, so like, let's just think about a doctor, right? So like a doctor who's working in an emergency room, like when a patient comes in, let's say you get a motor vehicle accident and like they've got broken bones and like, you know, their heart contusions and things like that. You know, the doctor is going to do everything that they can, but they can't control whether that person survives or doesn't. right you just do the best that you can you give of yourself what you are as completely as you can and you leave the rest i'm just going to use this phrasing because i think it's like easy to conceptualize you leave the rest up to god right you don't have to believe in god but you can just say you do the most that you can you leave the rest up to fate entropy randomness chaos theory god whatever whatever right there's that there's a limit to what you're capable of and the rest

of it is responsible someone else is responsible for. And I think religious people sort of figured that out, right? So they called it God. And the other thing that you have to remember, Miskiff, is that like, I think the other real solution here for you is I think instead of thinking about ego and being someone, I would really try to encourage you to re-frame what you're doing is service. What does that mean? So like you're not streaming for yourself. You're not streaming to live up to an expectation. You're going to show up and try to help people as best as you can. Okay.

I feel like that actually could help. Yeah. So like teenage suicide rate has gone up by 50% in the last decade. The percentage of people who are needs, not in education, employment, and training is in an all-time high. Climate change, mental health has now surpassed cardiovascular disease and cancer in the United States is the most expensive organ. so more people there's more loss of productivity and morbidity and mortality

so the disease burden of mental health is now number one we've we've bypassed the effects of like Mickey D's and in sodas and cancer and cigarettes and all that good stuff so we're number one and understand that you actually fulfill a very important role for these people

right which is like our people is people like you which is that they come to your stream and they're looking for entertainment, but they're also looking to have their day be a little bit better. They want to take a break from their lives. Almost like they come to hang out. Absolutely.

Yeah. And they're not there for a show. They're there for me. Yeah. Beautifully put. Right? And so should you try to cheer them up? Absolutely.

They're coming to hang out. You want to make sure that they have a good time? That's fine. But understand that, like, you can't make them have a good time, right? They have to meet you halfway. and that's the most that you can do. You can just be yourself, let go of the consequences of your actions, and focus on what you do. The other cool thing about this is there's a beautiful source of pride over focusing on your actions,

because that's something you can control. When you sleep at night, the question isn't how many lives did I save today, or how many of my patients did I die today? The question is, did I do the best that I can? Did I like study hard? Did I pay attention? Am I going to learn from today? And is it going to make me a better person tomorrow?

Because the patients are going to come tomorrow. The viewers are going to come tomorrow. Tomorrow is going to come. So did you do everything that you can today to make the most of it to enrich these people's lives? Like understand that people who watch Twitch, sometimes when they watch Twitch, they decide not to kill themselves. Like that's a real thing. Like it's crazy. right? Like there are people who watch who are suicidal and something about the connections that we form with each other online keep us from killing ourselves.

It's the biggest thing that I think like the boomers don't get. They talk about like all of the evils of social media like I do because now we have good ways to stamp like a value to ourselves. And so it enhances our shame. But the other amazing thing is that there's connection and there's hope and there's strength and there are people who get to know you and they're people who are connected to you. They're people who love you. I have a feeling of love towards Twitter chat. It was really confusing for a while. And I was like, do I really feel that? How can I feel that? I don't know. I don't understand it, but that's what I feel. Yeah.

That's why I do this. It's what keeps me like, it's what helps me not care about my viewer account. Because there are times where I was like, okay, if my viewer account drops, does that mean I should stop and do something else? I'm like, no, what the fuck is wrong with you? Like, you're not doing it for a viewer account. You're doing it because, like, you have something to share. and if you can help even if my viewer account is one, so be it. It's about helping that one person.

That was my exact, that's not exactly what I used to say. Good. When I first started. And I think I've noticed what you said was true. When the more I, I've noticed on days that I, because I forget what I think or I forget what I say a lot of the times. And then, but something. Sometimes people, you can jog my memory.

And I've realized that a lot of times, when I am thinking about not putting on a show, but more so just like, I'm there for them, or I'm there to help these people who, you know, one of these people that I might answer their question in chat. Because I sometimes forget that I was like a huge pleb. I was literally just like them, if not worse. I, you know. Well, I was still already. Yeah. well, in a lot of ways, I'm similar to them. And that I know that if a streamer read out my message,

I'm like, as lame as it sounds, and as much as they want to make fun of that, it does feel cool. You do get a feeling of like, oh, like, you know, it's a little bit of attention that they might need throughout the day if they got, like, no one that looks at them or no one that cares, you know, that feeling of maybe just hanging out with them

when playing a video game or just hanging out the more I think like that, the more I enjoy streaming because I feel like it's not, I don't feel stressed. These expectations are, they don't care about. The reality, they're real person because that might be why they're there. You know, so I'm sure there are a lot of view, there are viewers that care about this expectation because they're hype viewers. They were there when I got banned.

But something I got to realize is one, that was a year ago. Like, these people that are here aren't here because, oh, Miskip got banned. We're here for the excitement. I mean, I'm sure, you know, they're there because of me, because of my reality. Yeah. So now. So the thing, Miskiff, so a couple things I'll kind of leave you with. Okay.

So the first is that I don't hear wanting in there. I have no doubt that wanting is there, but this is not wanting. Does that make sense? Mm-hmm. What do you mean by wanting, though? So I said earlier, you kind of. said, oh, I wanted it. I have no doubt that you wanted it, but this is not wanting. What we're talking about is not wanting. Right? Like holding on. Yeah. So I think this is about kind of service

and it's about like devotion. It's about like, you know, hanging out. Like hanging out is not wanting. It's just chilling. Like wanting is something else. Like it's a desire for like a particular thing or a particular outcome. And I think so you ask, you know, how do I surrender? Well, I think you just go back to it, right? It's not about going to a new place, it's about going to an old place. Of why you got into the business to begin

with. Like, that's the spirit. That's the spirit that you've got to keep alive, right? It's about, like, hanging out with people in gaming. Like, that's what we're here for. That's what Twitch was born about. And I hear, like, some people kind of complain because Twitch is changing a lot and, like, some of the spirit of, like, what Twitch was founded on has changed.

Because people like me show up. Yeah, right? I think, yeah, I hear that a lot too. And also, I was there. I mean, yeah. So I think Twitch chat and Twitch now is really good, though. I think people. Yeah, I think it's one complaint.

Yeah. So I, and I think the other thing that I, you know, for what, what this is worth, I think that at some time, you know, at some point your Twitch stream, like, I have, I have just difficulty envisioning you as like a 76 year old dude streaming on Twitch. Like, I just have difficult. So, like, I just don't think that that's going to happen. And so I think that your stream will probably have a lifespan because that's usually. because that's usually how things go. And this is crazy. I think that's going to be okay.

I think that things are going to change for you. Things are going to evolve. A lot of people kind of transition. And I think that you're capable of that transition to whenever it comes. Yeah. Right. And so have faith in the person that you are. Have faith in the person that you're becoming.

And that's, you know, that's it, man. Surrender. Let go. Be what you are today. instead of like trying to be something else. And now something for everyone watching. So I think this is huge. Because I think out of all of the streams that I've done,

this is the thing that I think relates to the, what I see is the biggest problems for people who like reach out to me. Is understand that expectation is what holds you back. Right. Understand that so much of why you do not act in life is because you are waiting to act. You're not going to act until you can guarantee a result. because when you were ashamed of yourself,

like if you were ashamed and you've never had a girlfriend, you can't handle a rejection, which in turn means that like you're going to wait until you can make someone fall in love with you. And when you know you can make someone fall in love with you, then you're going to ask them. Because that's the only way that if you feel ashamed about yourself, the only way that you're willing to put yourself out there is if you can guarantee a particular result.

Because if you're ashamed and you can guarantee a result, then you can do it because you don't have to. deal with your shame. It proves that you don't have to be ashamed. Everything is hunky-dory. Everything is good. And so that reliance on controlling the future and guaranteeing for yourself that you don't have to deal with your shame, you don't have to deal with your failure, you don't have to deal with your rejection is what paralyzes you. It keeps you from moving forward. You are so concerned with being a failure that you never try. True. Right? That's the crux of it. And then people say, oh, I don't have motivation. No, the problem is not that you lack motivation. The problem is that

you are so paralyzed to failure that you're not willing to act. Understand this very carefully. That is not a lack of motivation. It's not that you are not motivated to act. It is that there is a more powerful force that paralyzes you from action. Yeah. I had that when I, uh, when I first, I wanted to do YouTube videos and stream for, or mainly YouTube, but I wanted to do YouTube video since I was like 14, 15. I was like all like I always wanted to do it. But I always, it was that feeling of what's the point if it's just going to be failure? What's the point if I do this and then it's going to fail like, oh, what if my friends make fun of me? And they're like, wow, you have a video that has 80 views. Like, you know, I always felt that fear. And then one day,

I just pretty much, I pretty much said, fuck it. I'm like, you know what? I'm going to just try this. If it fails, it fails. If it doesn't, it doesn't. And then here I am today. So, you know, that idea of failure played a big part in why I didn't try something a decade earlier. And I had to wait until I was in my mom's basement alone until I finally said, you know what? I'm going to do it now. So, you know, when you say, fuck it. You know what that is? That is surrender.

Yeah, fuck it is surrender. You're right. You get it? Yeah. So this is, for all of you at home who are watching who are feeling like you're not motivated, understand this very clearly. it's not a lack of motivation. And this is why, because these people are smart, right? Like Twitch hat is a super smart.

And if you give them a problem to solve, they'll solve the problem. The problem is that the problem that you think you have is not the real problem. And that's the other reason you're stuck. You look for solutions that increase your motivation. It's not an issue of motivation. You have motivation. Just stop and think about this. For those of you who want to transform your lives,

how much do you want to transform your life on a scale of zero to 100? it's 100. The motivation is gigantic. It is like the Mount Everest's of motivation. You want to change so much. What do you think that is? That's motivation. But I understand that there's a stronger force within you,

which is bigger than Everest. It's K2. Right? And the K2 is your fear of failure. That's K2. K2 is like a harder mountain to climb than Everest. I think Everest is actually taller, but K2 is like tougher.

So, and so in your case, I want you guys to pay attention to what Miskiff is saying because Miskiff says he used to be a Pleb. It's ego. You're still a fucking Pleb, man. Like, we're all plebs. Like, that's the thing. Like, we're a community of PLEbs. And understand that the only difference between you and Miskiff is that Miskiff at some point surrendered. And he said, you know what? I let go of success. And I embrace failure. And when you embrace failure, success comes. biggest paradox in the universe. That's true. Right? And so what are you doing now?

Ms. Giff, are you embracing failure? I'm calling myself a pleb. Good. Because in your mind, when you stress, you're avoiding failure at all costs. Got to avoid failure. Can't fail, can't crash, can't burn. Hail Mary after Hail Mary after Hail Mary after Hail Mary after Hail Mary. Failure is not an option.

And it tears you apart on the inside. Just like it takes you. Tore me apart. Tears them apart. It's just how it works. So let go. Be the person that you are. And just stream.

Like, hang out, man. Yeah. And one... One day they'll stop. Failure is allowed. Absolutely. That's how you learn. Tell you grow.

Good judgment comes from what? Within. Oh, sure. So the answer I'm looking for is experience. Experience comes from what? Failure? Absolutely. The other way to put it is experience comes from bad judgment.

Oh. Right? Yeah. So you get to be good by being bad. So there's a saying in go. So go is like a, you know what go is? It's like a board game.

Yeah. Yeah. So they say that the best way to learn how to go is to lose your, lose your first 100 games as quickly as possible. That's how you learn. lose 100 games as quickly as you can, and you'll learn to go. Anyway, thoughts or questions? For me, I, nothing, I wrote it all down.

I think I'm good. I learned that to try, the expectation's never going to be hit all the time. And the more I think about hitting that expectation, the more it'll never hit, because your reality is your reality, and you can't change that. You can't become this 24-7. an entertaining person. It's not only it's just, and it's just my

expectations. The plebs don't think that. I think that. The reality is my reality and that's it. I have to be my reality. I can't force something that's not there. It's not there. Beautiful. And I also have to learn that the plebs don't care about

the high expectations. They don't. You know, they a lot of them, like you said, they come here to hang out. They come here just second monitor. They come here to have noise. And some of them come here because they're upset and distressed with life. And, you know, if I could be there for them, then that's good.

And that's what the point of being a streamer is, is to be there for people who need it or who are maybe feeling a little bit lonely. And if I could be there for them, then that's good. And I sometimes forget about that. I forget the reason to be a streamer is for that reason, is to hang out, play video games, and make chat happy. It's not to be this entertaining God or constantly need to be doing something. thing that's super entertaining. And I think I've been learning that a lot lately. I think I've been cutting back on forcing stuff for trying to be entertaining.

So the stuff that we talked to today, I have learned, I learned it pretty much in like December. I kind of started really figuring this stuff out. And I also learned that I am a bleb and that failure is allowed and I will fail. And I think like the thing you said about the Hail Marys is very true. It's, I am constantly thinking that I need to be always throwing Hail Mary's when, you know what? Sometimes you're going to fumble and sometimes things are not going to go your way. But that's okay.

That's life and you're only human or you're only a Pleb. Yeah, man, we're all plebs. That's how it works. Beautifully put. So, Miskip, I got to also like give you like props, man. Like you're so good at summarizing. Really? Yeah.

Bobby, it's all right here. Sure. But I mean, I think you did it last time. I think you tied it together beautifully. And I, you know, I think, so props to you for closing the door, props for you for grabbing your pencil. Props to you for like showing up because this is what the result is. Like, right? When you show up, you kind of accepted in that moment when you closed the door, you grabbed your pencil and you grabbed your paper.

You accepted your reality. And you felt a little bit shame because you had an expectation of what you should be able to do. See that? but the more shame yeah right well I yeah I felt

you said like you I feel like a five year old I don't maybe I was Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah right so that's another big thing is that there's so like the window like this

the gap between expectation and reality is where our shame lives and what we really need to do and so that that shame keeps us from looking at where we really are and then it keeps us stuck because we try to live where the expectation is

instead of living where the reality is and so no wonder we don't move forward because we don't start with like where we are you say to yourself oh I should be better at this but like if you suck at it so be it except that you suck at it and then like get better but the people who get hung up on where they should be

never improve because they're not like actually moving from where they are it's like it's almost like is it like that you know when you think of like a steps they're like trying to skip the to the first step to the last beautiful beautifully put right so they say like i want to move from step nine to ten no i don't want to i'm i don't want to move from step one to two i'm better than that yeah i'm at step nine i'm smarter than this guy and this guy's at step nine i'm fucking smarter than he is i don't have to be at step one i shouldn't be at step one So be where you are. Be pathetic. Be a pleb. Embrace your pleb. Embrace that you suck. And then move. Move out of it. You got to meet yourself where you are. Not where you should be. And I see you doing that. And like, awesome, man. Like I couldn't have said it better myself. I really. It's beautiful. So we good for today? I think so. Okay. Awesome. And good luck. Let's stay in touch. You know, if you have questions.

Oh, I've been taking my pills too. Or my, uh, I was, I was. told to get the pills because they're best messy. Is that okay? What? The Greece, Greek? Fennergreek. Yeah. Don't it.

What do you mean less messy? What does that mean? It's just seeds. Well, seeds are messy. I just have the pill. Should I just get the seeds? Get the seeds. Okay, I'll get the seeds.

Okay. They're not messy. It's just like seeds, man. Yeah. I also figured out why I have, um... The other thing is, is wait, how long have you been taking Fenergreek? Since we last talked.

And how long has your sleep been bad? Six months, eight months. Okay, so it's not just since you started the Fenegric. Okay. No. The Fenegric does, I don't know if it's helped, but I've realized why I have such terrible shits. I, uh, I ate peanut butter cereal like five times a day, and it's ridiculously

high in fiber and you get like almost all your fiber in one sitting. So I eat the cereal all the time. Like it's all I eat. So if you're eating peanut butter cereal that's very high in fiber, don't take fenugreek. Yeah. Well, I realize I'm cutting back on the cereal because okay, good. It's way too much fiber. Like it's okay. Yeah. Okay. Okay. I learned. I will take the seeds that I promise. Okay, no, but if you're taking a bunch of fiber, don't take the seeds because they're very high in fiber. Oh, is that what the seeds are? They're just fiber? They're not just fiber, but they're very high in fiber.

So if you're eating a bunch of fiber, just don't take the seeds. We'll figure that out. Like, message me or something, DM me. We'll sort out what you should take, but don't take venegric seeds and don't take the pills. Let me just think about it. Okay. All right. Take care, man. Cool. Nice talking to you. Nice talking to you. Okay. Chat. Good work today. Thoughts, questions? Oh, shit. I was supposed to teach him out of meditate. damn it I just got so into it

I got to run too in about like five minutes but we're about 30 minutes over today um

okay no no no like I have like appointments and stuff guys I gotta I gotta play a little bit of warhammer

before I start seeing my afternoon folks so gotta do your game and maybe I'll take a walk for a little bit all right

so that was a lot of fun I hope does that make sense like did you guys follow what I was saying earlier about like failure and surrender and things like that. I think, you know, that's really important. Okay. So, yeah, so just think about that, right? So, like, remember that if you guys are feeling stuck, like, it's not about a lack of motivation. Like, I remember when I was, you know, just sucking at life, like, I wanted so much to change. I just did not

want to live my life anymore. Like, I just didn't want to live it. Like, I wasn't really suicidal, but I was just like, I'm tired of this. I want to be proud of who I am. I want to, like, wake up in the morning and, like, feel good about myself. Like, feel, like, you know, good physically, feel good mentally. Like, I want to have friends and I want to be in love and I want to be, like, professionally successful. And I wanted to, like, hold my head up with pride.

Like, I wanted to just, you know, the thing that I hated the most is, like, when my parents would call me and they'd ask me, like, how was your class today? I didn't fucking go to class. That question pissed me off so much. and it's just like the simple things like oh like what are you up to nowadays like i remember i would like go home right for like christmas break there's some christmas party where like socially like you hang out with people who are your parents friends and stuff like that people in the town they just ask you basic questions like oh what are you what are you what are you studying what do you

what do you want to do after you graduate it's like you know guys i don't even know if i'm going to graduate. But you can't say that to your dad's friend in the weird sweater. Like it's so, like, the simplest questions can be so shaming. I didn't want to feel that way anymore. Tired of feeling that way. And I knew I was better than that. So much shame. So meet yourself where you are. Let yourself say, fuck it. Embrace failure. Give it a shot. And you'll be surprised.