HealthyGamerGG - Basic Survival is So Exhausting

Episode Date: July 25, 2022

Today Dr. K dives into feeling like the world is too demanding and it's impossible how to do everything. Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

20 hours to read a chapter? Like, you are working so much harder than everyone else who's getting an A in astronomy because they're not studying for 20 hours on a chapter. And that sucks, but it ain't your fault. The world is too demanding. I genuinely do not understand how humans do it all.

So much that is expected of me while there is not enough time. I'm currently enrolled in a summer class, which means four chapters of astronomy a week. being a slow learner, it takes me over 20 hours a chapter, leaving me with a failing grade despite my attempted commitment. Topple that with work, laundry, cleaning, cooking, grocery trips, socializing sleep, exercise, therapy, grooming, meditation, etc.

I have no time to draw, which is what I'm going to college for in the first place. Let's not forget that all the other tedious tasks I've been putting on the back burner, such as getting my phone screen replaced. Hey, me too. I don't know if y'all can see that, but that's cracked. Or studying for the part exam, I get called irresponsible constantly and fall short in every regard. My boss told me the other week, I did work in school for five years. There's no reason you can't. But all that did is make me feel invalidated and less than.

How does the average human being do it all? So this is tough because sometimes it really feels like the world. is too demanding. Like, we've got to be like functional humans, right? So we've got to like work. So it sounds like this person has a job. Have to do laundry. Have to do cleaning. Have to cook. Because we want to like eat healthy. Have to go to the grocery store. Got to maintain my social circle so I don't feel lonely. And by the way, I have to sleep somewhere in there, exercise somewhere in there. Get therapy from my mental. You know, got to like groom myself. meditate, do all these things for self-care, work, study.

This sounds brutal, by the way. Taking 20 hours a chapter sounds like unsustainable, by the way. That sounds terrible. But it does feel like the world demands too much from us, right? Like, it feels that way. So, like, is it that way, or is it just like all in my head, right? It's good because your boss is like, back in my day, I was able to work. I only, I worked on paid for my entire college.

Because my college cost 13 cents a semester. And I made, there was minimum wage back then was $1 an hour. And now it's like $7 an hour. You're all making seven times much money. I had to work. I didn't even have, I didn't take a single dollar student loan debt. Back in my day. So it feels like the world demands too much of you.

but does it actually like is is that really what's going on or is like are we just like is it too much to handle for us are we just like not able to handle it and i think actually the world demands too much so it's tough because the more you look at what the world wants you to do it seems to be increasing right so like let's let's just like look at this for a second i don't know if you guys have seen this we all have seen these entry level positions that require two years of experience like what? Entry level position. Requires two years of experience.

We're starting to see, I don't know if you guys have noticed this, but if you go to like LinkedIn, what you'll see is that there's like an inflation of credentials. Inflation doesn't just affect money in currency. It affects credentials. So like back in the day, you could get a job with a high school degree. If you wanted a good job, you had to get, go to college.

and now if you want to teach, you have to have a master's degree. So, like, over time, the world is, like, literally demanding more of us. And you'll see this if you go to LinkedIn, because people will have all kinds of letters after their name. It's like 20 years ago, you had, like, a couple letters. Like, you had an Esquire. But now we see this especially in medicine, where, like, you'll get all these weird kind of, you know, APRN, ABPN, functional, 4-M-M-F-M-D, M-P-H, Ph.D. Those are the old ones, right? And now we've got like all of these, all of these additional letters. A couple of years ago, I was, someone was inviting me to,

you know, was wondering, could I teach meditation? And I was like, sure, I'll come and teach meditation. They're like, by the way, are you a certified meditation teacher? And I was like, no. They're like, you haven't done any certified. And I was like, no. I went to India. I hung out in the wilderness with like monks for a couple months or years. But I didn't get no certificate. Like, you know, this weird dude whose name I don't know who's a monk who is like living out in the wilderness.

Like they didn't give me a piece of paper. That wasn't a part of it. Right? I'm a certified yoga teacher. I got a certificate for that. but there wasn't like a meditation certification. It was like after you do your yoga certification, for those of y'all that were really good at yoga,

you got invited to go study with the dude in the woods. And so I went and studied with the dude in the woods for like three months. I'm pretty sure I can teach this class. I'm pretty sure that I will be able to teach a lot about meditation, but I have no certificate. So here's what's happening in the world. Things are getting more mass produced. everything is becoming more mass, right?

It's just growing. So back in the day, when I was like trying to date, I would like go on, let's say, a dozen dates with a dozen people. But with the advent of online dating, now I can look at a thousand people instead of just 10. Now job applications, we get, you know, like the number of job applications that people are getting astronomically rises.

the number of jobs that you're applying to astronomically rises. So everything is getting more and more mass. The world demands too much of you. And that's because, like, what's happening is, as I get a thousand applications, how am I, if I'm an employer, how am I going to filter them? Because I can't really look at who you are, right? I don't really care about you. I care about all the boxes you're going to check.

because that's the simplest way. And so what's happening in our society is we're starting to use more and more proxies instead of like understanding who a person is. Is this person a good fit for the job? Well, I have a thousand applicants. And the more applicants, the better, by the way, right? Because that means we can be more selective and we can find the best person. So if we have a thousand applicants, well, oh, a hundred of them have a master's degree,

800 of them have a bachelor's degree and 100 of them has a high school degree. That's pretty easy. We're just going to knock out the 900. And now suddenly we have credential inflation. Where what used to be good enough with a bachelor's degree, now you need a master's degree, just to be competitive. And now, if you think about it, 100 years ago, there were no demands for collegiate education. 30 years ago, 40 years ago, there was a demand for a bachelor's degree. Now the demand on you has literally increased.

What you used to be able to get with four years of your time, you now have to spend six years of your time. Sorry, that's seven. Six years of your time doing. Some master's degrees are three years, so there's seven. And now as a world, like, right, so like we've got negative effects of social media and technology. And now the whole world is a little bit more depressed. so now therapy gets stacked on. And now in order to manage all of the stresses of life, because remember that it's not like the job has gotten easier, right?

So I remember there was this Calvin and Hobbs comic where Calvin's dad is railing because a rush job used to be like a two or three day turnaround. And now a rush job is like overnight. And now a rush job is within the hour. So literally the pace of things is increasing, the amount of investment that people are asking you to make is, like, objectively increasing.

Because now if you want to date, like, you can't not exercise and be swelger. Right? You got to have ripped abs and you got to be this thin and you got to be this handsome and you got to do this and you got to do this and you got to do this. And by the way, people are using filters now. So everyone looks better. And so now, like, you're competing against, like, a standard that is artificially enhanced through computers.

So the world demands too much. Like, actually, yeah. Yeah. I'm going to go and say, objectively, yes. I don't think it's like weakness on your part. Like, seriously, like, if I'm wrong about this, like, tell me I'm wrong. Tell me that, tell me that if I get a master's degree in education and I want to, I'm passionate about being a teacher, that I'm going to get a better starting,

if I am in school for six years, tell me I'm going to make more than 40K a year. His starting salary, after six years of education. So everyone just wants more. And then what happens is you try to fulfill all these things, right? So then what happens is like, if you look at like dating profiles and stuff, right, you got to check all these boxes. You got to be this tall, make this much money,

have physical characteristics that are so many inches, can't have kids. You got to be okay with my kids. You got to have your own car. You got to have your own apartment. You got to make this much money. You got to be okay with me being unemployed. Right?

And that's sort of assuming like a male to female kind of thing. It's no better for women. Because men are out there being like, I expect you to cook, I expect you to clean, I expect you to do this, I expect you to do that. I expect you to be available for me. But I'm not going to be available.

for you. Right? And these are the worst specimens of each agenda. For the most part, most human beings, male, non-binary, female,

we're all like decent human beings who are willing to put into a relationship and are willing to like, you know, hoping to get something out of it. The problem is that the world doesn't make us think

that way. And the more demands that jobs are dating profiles or other things put on us, the more we try to live up to them. right because now I got to be this and I got to be this and I got to be this and you could sort of see it right here right you can see it 20 hours of chat that sounds rough and then failing on top of that and then you got to do all this stuff and then let's not forget like getting your phone screen replaced stunning for the pert exam I don't know what that is but okay right and then your boss is like back and mighty so you try to actually do all that stuff right you try to make your boss happy you try to exercise you try to meditate because you got to be like a good human being, got to take care of yourself, got to accept responsibility. And then what ends up happening is you lose yourself in the process. Because you're trying so hard to become

this thing. You're trying to take who you are and mold it into whatever the checkboxes of the job that you're applying or your boss wants or the person you're trying to date or whatever. Because this is what the world is demanding of us, right? It's demanding for us to be more. I need you to be more than you are. I don't care about you. I need you to check all these boxes. And every year that goes by, there's going to be one more box that you've got to check

because of the mass nature of things. And so you start to lose yourself. And then you start to burn out. And then you don't even know who you are or what you want because you spent your whole life molding yourself into what other people want. You checked this box to make your boss happy. You check this box to make your date happy.

You checked this box to make your parents happy. And then you're lost. Maybe even you succeed. But boy, was it tough. Boy, did you have to spend 20 hours on each chapter of astronomy? Even if you succeed in the end and you pass the class, it's like, oh my God, was it even worth it? And then we end up, sometimes we end up in a place where it's like, in the worst case scenario, we're like completely burnt down, don't feel like doing anything. And even in the best case scenario, we have a successful career.

career. We're dating someone who on paper is like a good fit and my parents like, but like the relationship feels kind of empty to me. My partner is like really, really emphasizing like that, you know, it's really important that I continue to grow and be better and whatever because they have all these financial demands on us and things like that. Right. It's really important that I make money because they've got all these crypto ideas that they need to invest in and like they're going to double it and triple it and 10x, but they're not going to work. They need me to work so that I can pay the bills and stuff while they do the crypto. And then sometimes you even feel trapped in a life that other people around you are like,

oh, wow, you're so lucky. And you're like, I don't feel lucky. But you're not allowed to say that because you're one of the lucky ones. And your partner is so successful and so intelligent. And you have such a good job. You work at Google, so no being depressed for you. Do you know how many people would want to work at Google? And so in both of these scenarios, what's going on?

We've lost ourselves. Bit by bit. We've taken a piece of ourselves. We've squashed it, trimmed it, shaped it, and stuck it into something into a box that someone else wanted us to be. What do we do about this? How do we reconnect with who we are? How do we become what we are supposed to be, what we want to be in a world that demands too much of us? So first thing is discover actually who you are.

And you may say, well, that's kind of weird. Like, how do I discover who I am? It's actually pretty simple. Not saying it's easy. I'm saying it's simple. There are going to be a lot of times throughout your day. If you're in this situation, there are going to be a lot of times throughout your day

where you're going to want to do something. There's going to be this little voice in you. That's like, yeah, I don't want to apply for that promotion. And everyone around you is going to be saying, oh, my God, you should apply for the promotion. The whole world is going to be. going to tell you to do something. But there's a voice that you've squashed and flattened over the course of the last

couple of years. Just listen to that voice. What's it saying? We're not necessarily saying that you should apply for the promotion or shouldn't apply it for the promotion. You should at least understand and listen to that voice. Listen to that tiniest little part of you that's telling you like, hey, I don't want to do this.

And talk to it. Tell me why you don't want to do this. What's going on here? How does this feel? learn how to listen to yourself. Second thing is align your actions with you. So in our life, we have a lot of goals. I need to get these letters after my name.

I need to do this. I need to do this. I need to do this. So for each and every one of your goals, grab a piece of paper, write it down. Write down each of the goals that you have. And then ask yourself for each of these goals, where did this goal come from?

and you may say, oh, they all come from me, right? Because all my goals come from my mind. But that's where you got to tunnel down and be a little bit critical. When did I decide that I need to have, I need to lose 10 pounds or gain 10 pounds? What was going on in my head? Is this because I want to stop feeling embarrassed when I walk outside? My friends are having a pool party and I don't want to be ashamed of taking off my shirt. Because that doesn't sound like it's coming from you.

Really. It seems like it is, right? Because you don't want to feel those things. But what it's really coming from is the judgment of others. I don't want my boss to think dot, dot, dot. I don't want my friends to think dot, dot, dot, dot. What you can even do is like ask yourself where the goal came on. Column number three, is there a part of this goal that is about what other people think?

And what you'll tend to find if you write down all of your goals is, Some of those are going to actually be coming from you, right? Because even in this post, we can kind of tell. I have no time to draw, which is what I'm going to college for in the first place. So even this person can tell. Maybe they want to do meditation. Maybe they have to do work and cleaning and laundry and stuff like that. But this person has sacrificed what they want for what the world demands of them.

Now, sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the world. Don't get me wrong. We're not suggesting a life of hedonism here. So it's like, I want to help people as a medical doctor. But I still have to write my notes. I got to do that. You got to take an L here or there for sure. So if you have to study astronomy, you have to try the astronomy to get your degree.

Like, that's okay. We're not saying you should just do the things that are hedonistic and enjoyable for yourself. But what I'm saying is like, on the one hand, there's hedonism. On the other hand, there's like, hopefully you don't fall quite this far, but there's a life that you've lived, which is completely false and you're completely burnt out. Where you don't get to do anything that you want to do and you're just trying to satisfy other people. And what we want you to do is move it to the middle, right? Where life is like, you don't get to do what you want, but you get to do what you want some of the time. I mean, come on.

The last thing to do is acknowledge that it's hard. acknowledge that the world is too demanding. Acknowledge that this isn't necessarily a personal deficiency. Acknowledge that the world is changing and the demands on you are very legitimate and very heavy. Now, what does this do? People say like, oh, does that mean you're just accepting your fate or like, that makes me feel worse? This is where there's a really interesting principle from Buddhist psychology called the principle of two arrows. is one of the concepts that we share with our coaches, for example.

So they're all aware of this. So the concept of the two arrows is that life shoots an arrow at us, and it hits us in the knee. And then when life shoots an arrow at us, what we oftentimes do without realizing it is shooting an arrow at ourselves for getting hit by the first arrow. So there's not only the initial problem, which was outside of our control,

but then there's the way that we react to it. There's the way that we beat ourselves up for the original thing. That actually causes just as much damage. So, oh, my partner broke up with me because school is ending and they're moving to a different country. Can't control that. But if I'm not careful, I'll start blaming myself for it anyway. Oh, if I had been a better partner,

or if I'd applied for a job in that country, if I'd done this differently, oh, I screwed it up, right? If I was more lovable. There's all the things that we do to ourselves. There's all the blame. So it's one thing to throw a game, right? I threw, I misplayed. It's something completely different to tilt from your original throw.

And this concept, this ancient concept from Buddhism, is actually very accessible today in video games. games. There's throwing and there's tilting. And what the Buddhists realized is that what screws you is not the throw, it's the tilt. So this is one of the core concepts that we teach our coaches. And when they work with people, they sort of are on the lookout for this. So in a client, what is the throw and what is the tilt? Because when you have a throw, you shouldn't worry about fixing that, right? Because that's where like, we get so cocked. up on that original throw.

But that's in the past. You can't really control what life does to you. What we can control is the tilt. And oftentimes the reason that people get stuck is because they focus on the throw instead of the tilt. And what you really need to focus on is the other way. Because sometimes you're just going to like life is not going to be lucky to you. Right?

It's like sometimes like I get a lag spike and my ping shoots up and I feed a first blood. I can't control that, but boy, can I tilt off of it? Right? And interestingly enough, sometimes we tilt the hardest out of the things that are out of our control. And then, like, then we're really screwed because we're so hung up on stuff that's out of our control that we don't even control the tilting. And that's what really throw, like, then that's what destroys the game. And so these kinds of core concepts are crucial, which is why we teach them to coaches. So how do you help a client recognize the difference between a throw and tilting?

How do you help them not tilt? Because the cool thing is if you can help people not tilt, then you can move forward. You can actually fix things. So what is the value of acknowledging? Acknowledging prevents the second arrow. Acknowledging, hey, things are hard for me. And the world is actually harsh.

And the world my boss grew up in is not the same one that I grew up in. And when you say that to yourself, Let's look at what happens. All it did is make me feel invalidated and less than. Right? So this thought, this reaction, you can't control what your boss says, but you can adjust or over time shape how you respond to it. And so by acknowledging, you know, the world they grew up in was different from the world that I grew up in.

I'm not actually, because the key thing is if you acknowledge that, then you're not less than your boss. You could actually be more than your boss and still on some level underperform your boss. So you must acknowledge. So at the end of the day, sometimes the world is too demanding. Feels too demanding. Let's start there. But is it really too demanding? Or is it just feelings?

Am I weak? Or is the world actually becoming a harder place? I genuinely think the world is becoming a harder place in a lot of dimensions. Some things are absolutely getting easier. Right? So like online shopping is fantastic. I don't have to sit in traffic to get a pair of jeans anymore. That's great.

So there's definitely upsides. But in a lot of ways, the world is becoming more demanding. The simplest way that the world is becoming more demanding is an inflation of credentials. So you used to be able to get a decent job with four years of school. Now you need six or you even need eight. Right? Some fields like higher PhDs. So things are actually getting tougher.

As mental health gets worse across the globe, our self-care, needs to actually objectively increase to balance the negative influences of things like social media and technology. So that was like self-care that we didn't need to do. Like these Aboriginal societies didn't need to meditate

to manage their stress. So like rush jobs and deadlines and things like that are rapidly increasing. I was talking to someone who works in the film industry. They were saying that when they get an offer

from like a producer to work on a film, they have to respond within 15 minutes. Two hours later, job's gone. Think about that. Within 15 minutes. It's gone. So things are actually like, I think in a lot of ways, objectively getting harder.

What do you do about it? First thing is recognize what standards are you trying to live up for, live up to that are actually like you versus other people. So like, remember who you are. are because the world is trying to squeeze you into something else. We want you to check all these boxes so you can get this job. I need you to check all these boxes to go on a date with me. I need to check all these boxes to be my friend. So the more that we start checking boxes for other people, the more that we lose sight of ourselves. So you have to start by discovering who you are. Listen to that voice in

that's very, very quiet. It's grown quiet because you've learned how to suppress it. Next thing you do is start aligning yourself with that voice. Practically, what does that mean? It means looking through your goals and trying to figure out how many of these goals are based on wanting people to think something about me, and how many of these are actually coming from me. And the last thing is to acknowledge that things are hard. Because beating yourself up, it's one thing to not achieve.

It's a second thing to beat yourself up for not achieving. And it's fine to want achievement. It's fine to be disappointed that you didn't achieve. But you should at least acknowledge that there were genuine reasons why you didn't achieve. Because it's not all on you, right? If you didn't get a job, there are other applicants. You can't control the other applicants. You can't control the advantages that they had over you.

Or you can't control, for example, like this person, the case that we looked at today, 20 hours to read a chapter. like you are working so much harder than everyone else who's getting an A in astronomy because they're not studying for 20 hours on a chapter. And that's just not fair. And that sucks, but it ain't your fault. Which is really important to understand. So acknowledge, align with yourself, and most importantly, discover yourself. If you can't succeed, why try?

Great question. The problem with that question is it's an unsolvable question. if you can't succeed. What is success? If I sit down to like cue for a game of, let's say, League of Legends or Dota, am I going to win that game? Maybe, maybe not. Even if you were to tell me, I have a hundred percent chance.

So let's say I've never played League of Legends before, and I install it and I queue up. What are my chances of winning? 1%, let's say. What's the point in trying if I'm not going to succeed? Oh, that's right. I can queue up for another game. And then my answer, everyone's saying 50%.

Probably. TVH. So we think about success is binary and time limited. Why try? Because you could be successful next time. Why try? Because you're going to learn and level up from the attempt. There are a lot of reasons to try.

In fact, I think most of the reasons to try have nothing to do with succeeding. Most of the value of action is actually not in the success. I'll give you all just a simple example. So if you're in medical school, what's the point of studying? What's the point of studying if I can't get an A? What's the point of studying if I can't even get a B? What's the point? The point is because one day I may be a doctor and someone's life may be in danger

and then like whether I am able to help them or not depends on whether I study. That's the real point. But the problem is that our society has made us think so much. about checking these boxes, right? If you can't succeed, if you're not going to get the promotion, what's the point in applying? Like, they've, like, conditioned us to care so much about these false things that we convince ourselves to not even try. Success for whom?

The reason you should try is because you want to. The reason you should try is because even if you don't succeed now, you will learn something from it. You will gain something from it. You will prepare yourself next time around. Because at the end of the day, who ends up succeeding? It's the people who are okay with failing. Right? It's the people who don't need to succeed in order to try. That's the biggest paradox. Great question. Encapsulate so many problems that we have.