HealthyGamerGG - Building Your Best Self w/ @Scottykfitness

Episode Date: August 2, 2025

In this episode, Dr. K sits down with fitness creator @Scottykfitness to explore what it really takes to grow—physically, emotionally, and mentally. They talk through struggles with identity, confidence, and the internal roadblocks that get in the way of becoming your best self. Topics include: How childhood experiences shape adult insecurities The connection between physical fitness and mental resilience Breaking free from fear, shame, and self-judgment Why the “best self” isn’t a destination, but a practice Real stories about growth, setbacks, and showing up authentically It’s a grounded, motivating conversation about personal development from two people who’ve done the work. This episode is perfect for anyone looking to level up in life, not just the gym. HG Coaching : https://bit.ly/46bIkdo Dr. K's Guide to Mental Health: https://bit.ly/44z3Szt HG Memberships : https://bit.ly/3TNoMVf Products & Services : https://bit.ly/44kz7x0 HealthyGamer.GG: https://bit.ly/3ZOopgQ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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On this podcast, we explore mental health and life in the digital age, breaking down big ideas to help you better understand yourself and the world around you. So let's dive right in. So we're going to hop in with Scotty K. So let me just pull this up and then... Okay, yeah, we're alive, dude. Hello. Hello.

You're drinking water like an adult. I'm drinking juice. Hey, man, to each their own. You know what I'm saying? So can you start by telling us what you go by? I go by Scottie. Okay, Scotty. And Scotty, can you tell us a little bit about like what kind of content you make

where people can find you? Yeah, so people can find me as Scotty K Fitness on all social media platforms. The type of content I make started out. just as silly cooking videos as like a way to blow off some steam while I was really struggling through paramedic school because I was really struggling through paramedic school I continued to see a lot of the myths in the fitness industry that are harmful to people who are just wanting to start to do it they're looking for

the right foot to start on. And they kept getting fed bullshit. Don't know if I can curse on your podcast. I apologize. You do you, bro. And I got frustrated. Angry is not the right word, but I got frustrated. And so I just started making videos kind of calling it out.

And because of, I think, the format and content style that I utilized, it gained attention. And I got to help a lot of people so far. Yeah, can you give us an example of like what's a myth that people believe? So like that carbs are inherently the thing that make you gain weight. Well, that's not true. Or the only way to lose weight is to do a specific diet or you have to run to earn your food or you can't eat after 9 p.m. Really weird stuff. You can't metabolize more than 30 to 35 grams of protein and a two hour window.

or, I mean, there's so many different ones out there. Somatotypes, body types, endomorph, ectomorph, meomorph. You've heard these, I'm sure. Yeah. Those aren't real. That's a pseudoscience. It's all fake marketing propaganda. Okay.

So I get super angry whenever people are pushing this in such a genuine manner as well. It's almost as if they believe it. And it riles me up because I'm like, burn it to the ground. You're hurting people's chance at success. So out of curiosity, when you talk about somatotypes, when you say that that's pseudoscience, how do you know that pseudoscience? So to my best knowledge, right, and please correct me if I'm wrong here, somatotypes were created by a psychologist, right, as a personality type. Okay. Right. Somatotypes themselves were also rooted pretty heavily in racism, where if you're short and round and black, you were supposed to be treated a certain way by society. If you were tall and lean and white, same. You're supposed to be treated a specific way. Well, companies out there, such as V Shred, fuck that guy. Their company uses this rhetoric, but because it sounds scientific, they use the,

somatotypes endomorph, ectomorph, ectomorph, as a metabolic type. So in some way, they have spun this personality type into a metabolic type. So if you're an ectomorph, it's not your fault. You haven't lost weight. You've been doing it wrong because you didn't have the answer. You can only eat like fish and potatoes. So they change food and how you should eat and train based on your body type,

which is not real. People cannot be broken down into three categories alone. own. And a group of people can do the same program and receive incredible results. So it's just a marketing ploy and it's garbage and I hate it. Okay, cool. Yeah, thank you for sharing that. So, and that's kind of what I'm curious about. So like when, you know, when people come up with these things like, okay, you can't eat carbs or carbs are bad or something like that, how do you know what is myth and what isn't? So it's, all of that is based on education. and experience and or exposure to the proper community when it comes to fitness.

Okay. So in the majority of the time, it is a safe bet to say that if somebody is telling you that, hey, this is a problem you've never heard of before, they're probably going to try to sell you the solution to that problem. Okay. Yeah. So start doing some digging. Start, you know, read a book, learn a book. Carbohydrates are your body's number one preferred fuel source, right? your brain runs on glucose. And so when I was going through paramedic school, I learned even more

about the Krebs cycle and the energy creation and how it's utilized in metabolic distress based on pH balance and how it can cause even diabetic ketoacidosis or metabolic acidosis and all these other things that can be very detrimental to somebody's health long term. So I start learning about these things intrinsically, right, where it's my job to now study. them and then I start seeing these shirtless crypto gym bros who are who are standing in a grocery aisle with their shirt off bitching and complaining about seed oils and you're like you're making food scary right and there's people out there who can't afford the food you're pushing because they're on food stamps I've been homeless I have been on food stamps and in welfare so many times

in my life and to see some privileged pissant to complain about seed oils when somebody can't feed their kids pisses me off. Cool, man. All the more power to you. Yeah, so is there something in particular

you want to talk about today? Like, what should we talk about? I know that I struggle a lot and with a few things. I want to be very open. That's something that I focus on a lot

in the type of content and the type of community that I think we've built here is being very vulnerable, right? And so something that I can probably be a little bit more vulnerable on is my imposter syndrome. Okay. Right. Boy, do I feel like I don't belong. Okay. So that we probably start there. Okay. Let's see where that divulges. Sure. So when you say you feel like you don't belong. What makes you feel that way? So, I mean, I think it's a combination of a ton of stuff, man. For me, I grew up in Oklahoma, which is just intrinsically dumb. Like, we're 49th in the country for education. And so I barely got through high school because my mother was a drug addict and she moved a ton. And because of that, I went from school to school. And so I never really

learned a solid curriculum. And in that, I felt inadequate around my peers. And so I tried to make up for those things based on my physical capabilities. Okay. So you compensated. And so compensated like crazy. And then, of course, I joined the Army. And I'm like, oh, here's how I can prove that I'm worthy.

I can put myself through hell. So I joined the infantry and then I became a combat medic, right? And so I had this hero complex. But then I lost it. I lost the motivation. I lost the drive. And I became just this horrible soldier. Horrible.

I was overweight. I faked a back injury. So I wouldn't have to do a PT test because I didn't want to admit that I had let go of all of my responsibility as a soldier. And so it wasn't until I got out of the army again and went overseas as a private contractor that I realized what that world really is and what is necessary for somebody to or how somebody should hold themselves to a specific standard for that world. And that carried me a long way. But even still, I feel like that small kid from Oklahoma, the dumb one, right? the one that doesn't have any friends from school or childhood. You know,

I've got one guy that I know, uh, from being a kid and, uh, that's it. I've got no family, you know, uh,

or at least, well, yeah, I've got friends. Yeah. I mean, I've got, I've got the family that I've made, right?

I've got my beautiful daughters and my fiancee. We're getting married in September. Um, and I've got my brother Wesley, who I look after. Um, and, that's it. I don't talk to any of my other brothers. I haven't talked to my mother in 16 years.

Father died while I was in Afghanistan and no love loss there. I met him one time. He didn't know my fucking name. Is that funny? I think it's funny. It's a way I cope. Yeah. But in the, in the manner of like, I never really had a home, a soft place to land. We moved around so often that I rarely packed. boxes we packed trash bags um it wasn't until i moved into my current home with my fiance that i ever had photos on the wall and i cried that day because i didn't know what that feeling was and it felt like home and so without ever having that growing up i never really knew where i belong right so being in the space now as a 30-year-old full-time fitness influencer and video gamer and all these things, there's a very large portion of me that feels as if I don't deserve it. And I feel vindicated on that matter because if I don't deserve it, then I have to wake up the next day and

attempt to earn it. And I think that makes me continue to work for the community that's been given to me. What do you think what happened if you woke up one day and you feel like you did deserve it? Then I'd have to stop. Because nobody, all of it. I. I don't. All of it. I. I'd have to quit. I'd have to turn off the cameras. I'd have to, uh, nobody deserves the, the type of life that I get to have, you know, uh, where I get to work from home, where I get to affect so many people's lives by making a video or by, by coaching them through, uh, understanding nutrition. Nobody deserves the life that I have. Uh, nobody. I don't care if it's you or the next guy or, uh, Gandhi himself. I don't think that anybody deserves the type of

admiration that a community will give you. based on a TikTok video or what do people deserve see I don't know like that's the thing it uh I I'm a lot of people ask my my political spectrum right and I'm not a capitalist I'm not a whatever is I'm a humanist I believe in people I believe that if it was raining outside and cold you wouldn't ask me my political affiliation to let me into the dry and so what do people deserve? I think people deserve to be comfortable, right? People deserve to be fed and housed. But at the same time, I don't think people deserve to be placed on a pedestal. I don't think that I never had anybody to look up to like when I was a kid. So I learned how to become who I am the wrong way, if that makes sense. The wisdom. What's the right way? By guidance, not by mistakes. I think that you can, gain wisdom two different ways. And it is by being taught or or making mistakes.

And if you make a ton of mistakes, it's really, it's a hard lesson to learn. And I made a ton of mistakes in my first marriage as a father, as a soldier, as a cop, as a bounty hunter, as a fireman, as an EMT. I made a ton of mistakes. And that's where a lot of my wisdom comes from. I'm only 30 years old, but I like to think that I'm at least 45 because I've done a lot of overtime. You seem older than 30. Like not in a bad way, but... That's perfectly fine.

But I hate to use the term humble, but my life experiences have humbled me. Because if I were to have guidance as a young man and a father figure of any sorts to push me in the proper direction, maybe I wouldn't have fallen off the path and gotten injured or made this mistake, but I wouldn't have learned either, right?

I wouldn't have learned as quickly as I had to. And I really do believe that there's two types of men in this world, Doc. There's men that have a legacy to live up to and men who have a legacy to build. And I am of the latter. Why don't you like to use the word humble? Because I feel like assigning yourself the title of humble is the opposite of being humble. Yeah, right? So it's kind of like, oh, like, I am humble.

I'm the top of the humble list. Yeah, that's so interesting. So, hmm, that's so interesting. Because, like, how can you ever say your, like, so you can't ever say you're humble, even if it's true? I don't think so. I think that there's a fine line between being prideful and being humble, right? And you have to find that area where you have to allow people to,

to give you that credit without taking the credit. Okay. So it should be assigned to you. Correct. So here's what I'd love to do, Scotty, if you're okay with it. I loved that story, man. And what I'd like to do is go back through it, but like way slower. Deal.

Okay. So let's start with this. You said you had a sense of inadequacy. And this is like, this is my notes. So I don't know if you guys can see this. But I want to basically, I took. notes and I'd love to like spend a little bit of time on each of these sentences. So let's start with this. You said you had a sense of inadequacy in high school. What was high school like

for you? So I moved a ton. I dropped out of high school over a dozen times. Is it okay if I interrupt you like a lot? You say you moved a ton. Why? My mother was a drug addict. Her drug of choice was yes. So whatever she could get her hands on and whomever she could get it from. And so she didn't have any particular job skills or career field that she worked in. And so her career was taking care of a man, right? And whatever man could pay the bills, that's where we went. So moved a ton. So I'm still, thank you so much for sharing that.

And I still have questions. So I've done a lot of work in addictions. And, you know, I've also seen, I was. in Boston at the time, but like, you know, sometimes people who struggle with addictions, including poly substance use or being addicted to yes, which I think is such a great way to describe it, they don't necessarily need to move. What's the connection between moving and... Right, so she couldn't pay her own bills, right? So we would move into a man's home across town and we would be there for four months' tops. They would get into a physical altercation. There would be

police, blood, people would go to jail, then all of a sudden we've moved back across town to another guy's house that would pay her bills for the next four to six months. And we did that for a long time. And how do you in this, if you don't want to answer this, that's okay, but how would she, like, I'm so confused, like, how would she find someone's house to move into? Again, it's like birds of a feather. And so all of the, what I like to call mutual crackheads they all know each other, right? Okay. And so it's a very strange, tight-knit, toxic community.

And they hold themselves on a very strange standard where they regard themselves as a very caring community. And I do believe that some of them care, right? Especially when it comes to, like, dirty little ghetto kids that need a place to live. And so we would do that. But then my mom would have to pay in some form of fallacious. type services.

Yeah. And what was that like for you? Being nomadic. You get used to things quickly, you know? The last Christmas I remember ever having, like, toys or gifts was I was six. And I got, you know those little tech decks, the little BMX bikes? Sort of. Yeah, yeah, I got like a set of those.

And we lived in Ulaga, Oklahoma. Ula Gala, that's a real place. It's where Zach Brian is from. I went to high school with him. That guy sucks. But we got those little toys, and I love them so much. It was so much fun to play with. And then my mom, about a week later, was coming down from a high and tried to make meth in our bathroom.

And it was my nap time. So I was taking a nap. And she fell asleep, and the trailer burned down. My brother barely got us out. and then we moved into a fifth wheel trailer, right? And like next to a pond in the middle of the woods. And I was like, oh, dude, I can't wait. I'm a six years old.

So I'm like, I can fit in this little nook and cranny in this one. And then my mom tossed me a tent. And I lived in a tent for like two years outside while her boyfriend, Steve, beat the shit out of her every chance he got. And he, you know, I was abused a bunch as a kid as well. We had to fish for our food. and if we didn't catch fish, he would have to go to Sonic and buy the brown bag special, if you remember those. And he would throw the toy away on the way back to the campsite or home. And then he beat the shit out of us right after we get done eating our little cheeseburgers.

And so I've dealt with abuse for a long time, but that gave me the scars that built me, right? So that's what caused me to start lifting weights. How so? Um, I had a very prolific stepfather named David, uh, who was very abusive, uh, broke my nose a bunch, my jaw. He, uh, fractured my skull, a couple of my ribs. A lot of problems there. Very abusive. Um, I started lifting weights at 11 years old. This is coming off the heels of him attempting to kidnap my mother at knife point, went to prison for two years. And I was like, all right. I've got two years. And I started lifting and I started training and learning how to, a fight and I would take a two by four and I would put it over my my door frame and I would drill it

into the door and my brother and I Brad would be in my bedroom and I would make workout programs with these 35 pound dumbbells and we would lift weights and we would stretch and we would beat the fuck out of each other in preparation for David to get out of prison. He did. He got out one very randomly. He got out early like a year and a half later. and to make a long story short, we ended up meeting him same day. And I broke his nose.

And it was a very vindicating feeling. And that's why I started lifting weights was to beat up my stepdad. It made me feel strong and not powerless. The world moves fast. Your work day? Even faster. Pitching products, drafting reports, analyzing data. Microsoft 365 co-pilot is your AI assistant for

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Brad is 18 months older than me. It's about 13 and a half, 14. Okay. And I'm, I'm noticing that you took the lead there. I took a lot of the brunt of stuff. I'm larger than Brad is. Brad is five, six, 127 pounds soaking wet and a pocket full of nickels. He's very scrawny, Scrutty dude. My frame allowed me to build muscle kind of at a different rate and I trained a little harder than Brad did.

And so Brad's always been a little timid and so when it came, like I had a lot of anger issues growing up. So when it came to it, I was like, all right, I'm going to fucking, I'm going to beat this guy's ass or he's going to beat the shit out of me in a quick trip parking lot. One of us is walking away

broken. And it's a very all or nothing mindset for a 12 and a half year old to have, but I kind of grew up in that manner. So it was normal to me. What do you mean you grew up in what manner? Violent. I'd be sleeping some nights or, you know, into the next morning. And David was a plumber by trade. And so he would- Is your stepfather? One of them, yeah, the prolific one. He is eloquently known as tattoo Dave, because he would do prison tattoos out of our kitchen.

he would wake me up by punching me square in the face or grabbing me by my throat or yanking me out of bed by my hair. And so there was no moment of peace. I didn't have a time when I lived with Tattoo Dave where I felt safe. And that wasn't the only stepfather that was abusive. And so I lived kind of on that edge at all times. I found a way to manipulate a lot of the day-to-day operations of the household. as you are as a kid, you learn these things. How so?

To, like, if I, for some reason, if I limped past, like, limped, physically limped past their line of sight, I was almost invisible. And so they would leave me alone. But if I walked confidently from point A to point B, there was an issue. So you had to be subservient in every manner. Yeah. That sounds crazy, dude. Yeah. No, I mean, and that's where that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that,

powerless feeling came from and where I started to take control of those powerless feelings is when I had a moment I was like okay I can build muscle I can become stronger by doing the simplest shit for an extended period of time right and so all I knew how to do at the time was like chest flies and lateral raises and bicep curls that's all I did and so I built an upper body and then I started learning how to punch uh and that's even through moving. And then I joined a wrestling team, you know, and then I learned take down defense and how to control somebody's body on the ground. How do you understand how that thought came to you at that time, right? So what I'm envisioning is that like you could have just gone for hiding, survival, right? There's like a fork in the road there of like, I can grow, like, what,

how does, because that moment seems formative for you. But, how did you go that way in that moment? I realized, I took stock of those around me. And I remember thinking to myself, nobody in my life is happy, right? Nobody in my life is doing well. I don't want to be like these people, right? And I looked at my mother,

who was herself abusive, but was a product of abuse. and she was subservient as well. And I realized I didn't want to be powerless. I didn't want to cower and rely on somebody else to care for me. Because at the time, I had a very vivid physical explanation that nobody was going to care for me. My mother took me out of school a bunch, like just on her own. She was like, I'm tired of taking you and, like, fucking would pull me out. She said,

tired of dropping you off at school, so she pulled you out, not like for a day, but like for, no, like fucking uninroll. Yeah. Wow.

And so I would, Oklahoma has no standard for turning in curriculum for homeschooling. So she would tell everybody, oh, I'm homeschooling the kids. What that meant is that I took care

of my younger brothers. I would do home heck, which is making fucking muffins or like, uh, changing diapers and things like that. Um, but the physical stuff, it forced me to take that fork, right?

Where I was either going to be weak and allow people to beat me or I was going to get bigger, right? Because that's what I was shown. I'm bigger than you and I can hurt you and you can't do anything about it. So I said, fuck you watch this. Yeah. So it sounds like you understood the rules of the game, which is that the strong survive, the stronger on top the bigger you are the better you do and and that's what i was shown and even now i understand that that's wrong right it's not the the strong and the mean and the cruel survive no they just

they they the strong and the mean and the cruel attack the strong and the caring right and the compassionate those are the real good people and i learned that very very very very late in the game Right. I thought that if I looked scary and that if I was stronger than the guy next to me and that if people feared me that I was to be respected in some manner and that is just not real. I realized that those emotions came from my younger self where I wanted people to fear me so that they couldn't hurt me. That's not the same as respect. So I started to soften myself, right? I started to let go of these angers that I carried with me because all of my anger was just grief. What do you mean by that?

All of my angst and my buildup of the hatred towards my mother or my dad, my stepfather, my brother now, all of it just comes from this pit that I have in my stomach where I've never felt worthy of receiving the love that a family should give you because I never did receive. it. And so that grief can only go so far before it turns into, okay, fuck you. I'm angry now because it's pain. You got to do something with that pain. And so I'm still learning ways to process it. Yeah, I would love to kind of come back to that in a second or in 30 minutes. So can you tell me a little bit about high school? Yeah, yeah. So I went, I went to God. seven or eight high schools. Don't have any friends from high school. I struggled through math, really bad at math.

And I was in wrestling all the way through high school. I loved wrestling. I wouldn't say I was particularly good at it, but it was an outlet. What did you love about it? The team mentality, but also it was during that time where I was still trying to be the big strong. Can you hold on a second? Just minor volume. adjustment.

Awesome. Yeah, no, that was still during the time that I was trying to be feared, right, and tough. And so it made me feel capable. Okay. So at 14 is when I went to a Christian youth camp, okay, pretended to be a Christian. I thought, man, these guys haven't figured out. They're happy. They're always smiling.

They're very kind. And I was like, I'm going to go to the tradition youth camp. Now, I scammed my way into it. I'm not going to lie. It costs like $500 to go to this youth camp in Buena Vista, Colorado. I had that kind of money. But I had a full beard. And so I put on a polo t-shirt and a pair of khakis.

And I went to the rich neighborhoods. And I walked around like, hi, my name is Jared. And I'm here to talk to you about. And I just raised money for troubled youth to go to a youth camp. I was the troubled youth. But I looked like an adult. so people just gave me money. So that's how I paid my way onto the bus.

I went to this Christian youth camp two weeks long. It was great. I, you know, it was awesome because I was gone. But I started to, I felt like a fraud, man. Like,

not because I was there based on false pretenses, but because I wasn't happy. Because I didn't get that connection that everybody else had. And I wasn't, I wasn't, how do I put this? I didn't have a mask on, right? Where everybody's like,

prize Jesus, Lord have mercy. I don't do that. And so I would ask questions. And these people had just this intrinsic happiness to them, and I didn't. That light had dimmed. And I felt out of place. And I missed the chaos back home

because that was normal for me. And so I went back home after the two weeks. and I'm walking into my apartment. Okay, so you finished the camp. Finished the camp. Didn't have a choice. You just couldn't connect to people

who were happy on the inside? No, I thought they were faking it. Like, I would ask people like, hey, how's your morning going? And they're like, oh, it's great. You know, it's another day to be alive. And I was like, who the fuck says that? And so, go ahead.

How did you understand? them versus you what how did you understand yourself in that moment like if you remember i know it's like 15 years ago no you're fine i because i've always been very honest with myself about who i am even if i didn't like who i was i knew who i was and so the uh seeing seeing that and then being like am i capable of that no no i'm not i'm not going to sit around a fire singing kumbaya around an acoustic guitar anyway fucking here's wonder wall that's not me who who who who who is you well that's a very deep question i mean it's not that so who is it i don't know it's not that i think that uh i'm i'm what you would call indoorsy right i spent

too long in the military uh camping and i i don't know what makes me happy you know what i mean I don't feel a sense of accomplishment or pride when I've completed things. I understand that this is a problem. But the biggest portion of the anxiety about who I am comes from my abandonment issues, right? What is that? I never really feel comfortable.

I can't take a day off. I can't relax. I can't go on a vacation. I can't stop. I do wholeheartedly believe that if I become content in who I am or what I've accomplished, then I will decay. My progress will stop. I will stop trying to be a better person.

I will stop trying to help people because it'll be enough. And if anybody thinks that what they've done is enough for other people, then they fucking suck. And a lot of that, again, comes from the abandonment stuff because I, I always wait for those people to leave, right? I always wait. Like my, my fiancee tomorrow could be like, hey, we're not getting married and I've actually secretly hated you for this entire time. I'd be like, no, that makes sense. All right.

And like, because I came home from that Christian youth camp after two weeks. And I go to walk into my apartment and my mom's apartment and the door and as I'm knocking on the door. And as I'm knocking, I realize the knocks are hollow. and I scale the side of the building over a set of stairs that go down to the basement and I looked through the windows and it's fucking empty. She moved up and bounced. Haven't seen her since. Uh, abandoned me entirely.

Holy shit, dude. When you said you hadn't seen your mom in 16 years, you went away to Christian youth camp and then you came back and she was just gone? Fucking gone. So I bounced around from couches to couches and friends and slept at, a couple of parks and tried my best to continue to go to high school. And then I was taken in by a Christian pastor and his wife. And that was really weird.

What was weird about that? Well, because again, front facing, white picket fence, American family, dog, whatever, God fearing. And then I slept on their son's closet floor for four months. And they made me really uncomfortable and really unhappy. And then I went to military academy when I turned 17, 16. Yeah, 16. So then I joined the Oklahoma Army National Guard because I was lied to by a recruiter.

Shout out that guy. And went through. What lies did he tell you? Oh, that it was a full career and that, you know, it was actually going to. be beneficial and wasn't diet military. And so I took it very seriously. I was a very gun hoe private, like, hell yeah, brother. Like, then I graduated basic and I had to go back to high school, which was really fucking

weird. So I went back to that Christian family and I was dating this little blonde chick in my school. They really didn't like that I dated her. They told me I couldn't date her, mind you, because she had a mentally handicapped brother and it made the church look bad. And I was like, whoa, you guys suck. I called them bigots and they kicked me out. So again, homeless.

But now I have to finish my senior year of high school. So I enrolled myself as a homeless student in Nathan Hale High School here in Tulsa, Oklahoma. And I was an emancipated minor at that point because I had joined the military. And so I could enroll myself. And then I got three jobs. I worked at an AR-15 armory factory. I worked at Staples. and then I worked at McDonald's

and I did that while I went to school and I would like go to school early leave at lunchtime and then I graduated after like six months Can I just What was it like To exist In that

Like where were you Were you saying like couch surfing or like Yeah yeah You're 17 or some shit right Yeah yeah 17 But again this level of nomadic chaos Was normal right so sleeping on a friend's couch right uh normal figuring out where my next meal is going to come from

and stressing about it normal uh having to pay bills normal and so it wasn't something that i was like oh this is so hard nobody deserves this i didn't realize there was anything wrong with it until i became an adult so so it i can i'm trying to imagine which is hard for me. But I'm doing my best. And I kind of see it like really one, not even day at a time, but like, okay, now I got to wake up. Now I got to go to school. Now I got to go to job number one.

Now I have this much money in my bank account. Now I'm going to buy this kind of meal. Now I have to go to a second job. You know, like it seems very like moment to moment existence of solving just what's right around the corner. That's it. And that's survival. And that's what I got good at. And I think because I was a product of my environment, because of my mother.

And I have found my mother. I tracked her down. I'm a bounty hunter by trade. I know where she lives, you know. I just can't reach out to her. You know, I can't. There's no way. I'm not trying to judge.

But when you say can't, what does that mean? Why not? Part of me feels like if I reach out to her, I'm going to hold an expectation. right whatever the response may be if i even receive one i hold an expectation for that response and i'm knowing the type of person that she is what she was capable of is when i was a child uh to now there's no way that she meets an expectation that would change any of my emotions right so there's no chance i forgive her so it's a moot point to try name one thing that you imagine she could say that i'd be like oh that makes sense for abandoning me at 14 there's nothing right so i can't i was like oh

you were addicted to drugs, okay. Like, plenty of people become addicted to drugs and don't abandon their children at 14, you know. So there's nothing that she could do or say that would change the past. And I can't forgive her, ever.

But that doesn't mean that I have to carry it with me. Who, boy. That there's quite the pickle, let me tell you what. No, I know. And just because it's heavy doesn't mean that, you know... I mean, we can go there if you want to. I don't think we need to.

Okay. I mean, my read on that is you're saying there's nothing she could say that would change things. Correct. And generally speaking, I think that makes sense

why you would not reach out. By the way, I'm not suggesting you reach out to her. It sounds like you built a life. You moved on. Yeah. At the same time, you mentioned earlier that, you know, you, you, one of your sounds like greatest strengths is that you're honest with yourself.

I think oftentimes people in your situation, we can go there if you want to. I think oftentimes what people are afraid of is that you could be wrong about that. Right. Right. So what if she does say something? So, so right now it's in the past. You've moved on. You've built a life.

But if you call her up and she says, I'm sorry. Right. I'm going to be honest, Doc, even if it's, and I'm sorry, even if it's groveling, my disdain would filter it. I'm with you. And that's the realism about it. And being honest with who I am to myself, I'm comfortable with who I become because of my disdain towards that person. And so it's a part of my character. And if I let that go, my character will then change.

and I'm okay with who I am. Yeah. So, I mean, I think the biggest thing that I'm getting from you is that you're really, really comfortable with who you are. Right? So, like, even being content is scary because that would change you. Like, you figured out some way of being dealt an absolute shit hand in life. And by some circumstance, because you don't deserve it, right? some luck, some random amount of stuff that you've found some equilibrium where you come home,

your daughters are there, there are pictures on the wall, and you don't deserve this, but somehow you've managed to stick things together and it's stable right now. And the rest of the world out there is chaos, so we don't want to touch any of that. Correct. I want to be insulated. And I'll tell you how it happened. It didn't happen because of me, right? This equilibrium that you're talking about.

It's because of my fiancé. It's because of the compassion that the woman I'm going to marry has shown me and my daughters, right? Two of my daughters are from a previous marriage. I'm divorced. I started my divorce process at 25. Probably because my brain got done cooking, right? Because I got married at 19, like an idiot. right she was pretty and told me she loved me and that was all it took um and so i have found

equilibrium for my family because of her not because of me right and so to touch back on being comfortable with who i am and not wanting to become content right meaning that i have to burn the candle i have to continue i have to try more right nothing's ever good enough and that is detrimental. It's going to break me. I am aware of this. I can't stop. I can't. Because if I do, then I'm not building that legacy anymore, right? Well, hold on. Slow down, my dude. Slow down, right? So you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, okay, Scotty, first of all, you're a multi-part episode. No, no, it's not. It's not, it's not, we got time, we got an hour. We're halfway, we're halfway there. So first of all,

Like, I love talking to you, man. Like, I mean, it's, it's just, I mean, your life has been total shit, like total shit. Yeah. And, and it's, it's, it's inspiring to hear you. And at the same time, like, there are some things for me that just don't compute. So, like, let's start with, take it slow. Yeah. First of all, how is this going to break you?

This idea of, like, you can never be content. How is that going to break you? Because I won't rest. I can't. What's wrong with that? I burn out. I don't know. What does that mean?

I rarely sleep, right? So everything has to be more intense than the last thing. So my training has to be more intense. My content has to keep up. The time I spend with my family. There's this adage that was ringing in my head during the American Heart Association streaming event that we did, where I was doing a ruck march at the end. And for some reason it came into my head.

I don't know if I've heard it somewhere before, but it was, if you can, you must. And if you can't, you must try. And that's, that's stuck with me since the day that I said it because that, that explains exactly how I feel about everything. If I can can, I have to, right? So if I can help people, I have to. If I can spend time with my children, I have to. If I can lift that weight, I have to. I get to do these things, right?

I get to be a part of these things. If I can't, I have to try. Right? Because if not me, then who? I have this conviction to do these things. People are like, how do you stay so motivated or dedicated? I'm not either one of those fucking things. I don't want to do this.

I'm tired. But I have a conviction to do it because somebody needs it, right? Yeah. So let me say one thing, Doc. This guy right here, my best friend in the Army, he had something that I hope you get something from because I carry it with me everywhere. He said, and this is a direct quote, your pain does not belong to you. Your pain belongs to those who rely upon you and how disrespectful would it be for them to call on you in their time of need and you are not prepared.

That fucks me up every day because I am tired. Some days I want to take a day off or quit or go on a vacation and not worry about things. But there's people who rely upon me. So it doesn't matter if I'm in pain or tired or broken. I have to keep going. Yeah, I mean, when I hear this, I get an image of a dam. This just gigantic wall where just everything

is just on the other side. And the water on the other side is just piling up, piling up, piling up. And like the higher the water gets, the higher we have to build the dam. And if just a little bit breaks through the cracks, then it's going to be a full. And we've

built, we built this like society on the other side of the dam. And there's like white picket fences and children are riding their bikes and people are getting Christmas presents. But if we don't keep this relentless, like I don't know if you've seen an attack on Titan. You ever seen a tiger? Right? And it's like on the other side, there's the fucking Titan.

This thing that's just like, oh, and what's the Titan? It's smiling, right? It's like this, it's like, take a day off. And it's looming above and it's like, just take a vacation. I don't know how to levy that water out, to, to open up the floodgates a little bit. And I, and people around me, my community, my friends, my fiance, they try to do this for me. They take things off my plate. They're like, hey, please relax, right?

I, on average, get five hours of sleep, five, six hours of sleep. And I know that's not great, but it's what I can operate on. And, uh, I have a to do list every day, a revolving to do list. that is made for me every single night before the day I need it. And I've lived my life that way since I was a kid and you were talking about the next thing, right? What's right around the corner? I've always lived my life on checklists, which is where I think a lot of the issue where not feeling a sense of accomplishment comes from. Because it's just like, check next, check, next.

So a lot of my support system takes things off my plates so I don't break. So instead of me building that wall a little higher, they start placing bricks. Yeah. I mean, it almost seems like you're, I know this is going to sound kind of weird, but you're like kind of still powerless. Sometimes, yeah. Right? Like you're just powerless in the face of this other thing. And this is way better than the powerlessness of before.

It's huge upgrade. You've got photos in the wall. You've got people taking care of you. You've got people that love you, right? Way better. Huge progress. And also, this is something that, like, it seems. really relentless to me to live with this day after day and I almost wonder if like if

the more that people take things off of your plate like how do you feel about that guilty and I replace it I replace it because there's a I have this thing I don't know if you've ever watched any of my shaving videos my sub kid videos I'm talking to myself I'm trying to convince myself of these things or these are things that I wish would have been said to me as a kid. And something that I've said in one or two of the videos is that there is no reward for not asking for help. You don't get a trophy when you die that are like, this guy did it all on his own. Like, that's not a thing.

And I try. God damn it, I try. But I feel so guilty when I ask people, hey, can you handle this for me? Of course there's a reward for not asking people for help. In what manner? You save yourself from the guilt. Yeah, but that's not quantifiable. right you don't get a fucking pat on the back from some ubiquitous dickhead that's like good job

no but but you you you get to not feel guilty yeah but the valuation of yourself doesn't carry weight i can't value myself enough to feel better about who i am that doesn't make any fucking sense my value is not intrinsic it's not something i get to decide it's something that is given to me based on who I am and what I do for others. I believe that. I know that's not a great look, but I believe that. What makes that not a great look? Because allowing you.

Selfless is not the answer there. That's relying on others in like this very selfish need to feel good about myself that maybe I'm enough if I do enough. that's not healthy. Do you do that? Yeah. What's not healthy about that? I've been told that that is a detrimental way of living your life. Okay, well, I don't know about what.

I mean, there's fucking endomorphs, ectoborphs, no carbs. We've been told all kinds of shit, man. That's valid. You know, what do you think? I think that, uh, I think that habits make you who you are and the deeds that you do for others make you who you are. I'm not a particularly religious person. You can't bury me with enough gold to make me feel like I've been a rich man.

But I believe that the only legacy you get to carry with you is what you leave behind and how you affect people. And so that's why we do a lot of charity work and why we do all the things that we do with our platform. Because that's really what matters. So let me ask you this. Do you have to do the most that you can do? Yeah. Because if I don't and I could do more, then I'm a shitbag. How?

If you, and this goes for anybody, personal opinion, if you could do A, B and C and D, but you only do A and B, you gave me 50% effort. You gave me 50% because you decided that's what that was worth. Where did you learn to hate 50%? Because it's not 100.

If you can, you must. If you can't, you must try. That's it. So where did you learn that lesson? Like, where did you learn to value that? Right? Anything less than 100%. You got to do more.

You got to do more. You got to do more. Why save anything for the way back? Okay, I'm with you there. So here's the reverse, right? So you developed a value system where if you can, you must, and if you can't, you better fucking try. That's it. Right?

And you got to do right by, like, and that's not about you. It's about other people. Okay. I'm going to try. So real quick, when we were on that Ruck March, we got about to mile 13, 14, and there this old man who had high-centered his truck on a rock outside of a schlachkes. Very adorable old man named Robert. And he had been there for three hours, couldn't get AAA to show up.

So me and the three dudes that I was with, or two dudes that I was with, deadlifted that fucking truck off that rock and continued rock marching right after. Because if you can, you must, right? Did that fucking hurt me? Like, I was in pain. I definitely over-exerted myself, and I had another 12 miles to go in that ruck march. and it was a very dumb thing to do personally, but it was a very good thing to do for Robert.

How do you feel doing that? Vindicated. That was the right thing to do. I gave 100% we deadlifted a fucking truck. That's like, that's, if I gave it 50%, if I gave it 50%, he'd have been stuck on that rock. What does the word vindicated mean?

To me? Yeah. It means that no matter the, The pain that is associated with it, that it was correct, vindicated, that accomplished by any means. So I think vindication is a really interesting word. Okay. Can I? No, I'm not going to think for a second.

I'm just going to wing it. Okay. So first thing is like, I would say, so Scotty, let me know if I upset you or offend you, okay? Please. Love you, bro. So a normal human, a normal human would feel pride, right? Sure. Yeah, so normal human.

Okay, normal human would feel pride, but you feel vindicated. So it's an interesting word because you felt vindicated, you felt vindicated when you punched your stepfather. Right? So, like, when I hear the word vindication, I hear justice. There you go. Right? It's just, like the order of things has been put right. It's not about you and your feeling.

and being a good person and deserving love or feeling proud, any of that personal, internal happiness bullshit, it is making the world a better place and like we're going to do it like in a just way. Just a pin in that. I don't give a fuck about the world as a whole making it a better place. I give a fuck about that person in that moment because the world doesn't matter to that person.

That moment is the world for them. Okay, so I'm going to try something. Just bear with me, okay? Okay. We're going to try using this overlay. I don't know if it's going to work. I'm going to share this. Oh, I wonder if this will work. Okay, let me know if I lag to all oblivion. Okay. We're going to see if this is just laggy as all fuck. All right. Oh, you're good now. I can see you. Can you see this diagram? I can. Okay. So here's you. I'm going to try to, I'm going to kind of fly by the seat of my pants here. Okay. So let's do it. Okay. If you. you can you must

yep if you can't you must try yes and the thing is when you do this this is a feeling of justice right vindication you've done right by

this person there's a person over here and you're putting like all of this positivity into them. Like you're like doing right by them. You're helping them out. You're making the world a better place. And it's not even about the world. Like you said,

it's about this person that you're not letting down. You're like letting them like, you know, you're doing it for like this human being. So even when when like when this person, when there's a person over here, let's say your lovely fiancee, who does something nice for you, right?

like, and so what you're going to do is you're going to take that niceness and you're going to translate it over here because that feels just, right? As a conduit, yep. Yep, you're, okay. So let me ask you something. So in, so, and this is the way, the way you live your life. Yes. Like this encapsulates who you are as a person. What way, when you wake up in the morning and then there's this other bullshit that you seem to have internalized about, this is bad for me. I need to learn how to take a break. Oh my God.

Vacation. These are terrible things. Right? These are what, I'll tell you what, Scotty, like we haven't talked about it yet, but these are indulgent.

Yeah. These are selfish. Yes. Think about all, like, this is like, we don't, we don't want to spend,

no, we don't do this. This is bad. This is selfish. Right? Okay. in this scenario God, I hope I'm on to something here.

In this scenario, this is you. Right? Yeah. Okay. Who is this in the scenario? That is situational. Situational, right? It can be Robert in the truck.

It could be my kids. It could be my fiancé. Yep. Right? Anyone but you. So now I've got a question for you. Okay. Have you ever been here? Yeah. But if I can, nothing else was on the screen but that. It was a moment of need.

And nobody gave me that justice. Nobody gave me the right. Nobody gave me the vindication or their selfish or selflessness, right? And so just one more thing. This is where I've developed that morality of, if you can, you must, if you can't, you must try. Because I've been helpless and you grow up to be the person that would have saved you when you were a kid. Absolutely, right? So in your scenario, when you were over here, who was this? No one. Try again. Me?

Nope. Who? Mom? But she didn't do. this. Correct. She never did all this. She was this.

Correct. Right? So, like, you have become, like, like, the antithesis? Exactly. Yeah. Like, you are, you are striving so hard

to be everything that your mom was not. Everything but. Right? And you, I'm going to use this word. I don't know if this is the right word. If it doesn't,

if it's not in the right direction, you hate, I don't know if her is the right, this doesn't feel, 100% right to me, but you hate what she was. That's a better way. You don't hate her. You hate what she was so much because when, what would she do?

She'd take a day off after day off after day off. She'd behave selfishly, selfishly, selfishly, selfishly, selfishly, selfishly, and you will be damned. If you were even 1% of your mom, it's way too much. I'd rather die. You'd rather die, like literally. Literally, yes. Break your body?

fine. Yeah. You can't, I can't bury you with enough gold in the ground to make you feel rich, but fuck that if you get buried with a single vacation day in your back. Like, if you took a day off, a fucking day off,

right? Because then you're just one percent towards everything that is wrong and evil in the world. And it makes sense, right? Because boy, did you get fucked five ways from Sunday? Yeah. What do you think of?

I mean, it sounds like this. is not new to you. No, this, I mean, I've, I've thought about all of this. I mean, I grew up with a selfish person. I grew up with someone who, who loved themselves more than they loved me, who loved their trauma more than they loved me. I grew up with someone who chose everything but me. And so I choose everyone but me. It's comfort. It's, I feel it's a hero complex. It's, it's, I'm falling on my sword for others, and it makes me feel value. That's it.

But yeah, so isn't that kind of weird, though? Because, like, you grew up with someone who chose everyone but you, and here you are, as you said, choosing everyone but you. Mm-hmm. That? Because I get to be what she wasn't. I get to be there for people. I get to be reliable, right?

And so even if I'm tired or I'm broken, right I train my daughter if I can just for a moment my daughter just Amelia

she's six years old now just before she turned two years old she had a seizure never had a history of seizure activity ever

um had a seizure and it was a prolonged one and it almost killed her um I had to race her to

uh an urgent care and I didn't I didn't have shoes on didn't have my cell phone uh nobody was in the lobby or the hallway. I ended up kicking in a patient door scared the fuck out of somebody's grandma, had a crash cart. I'm not medically inclined at the time. And she seized for over an hour,

right? I'm oxygenating her entire face with a bag valve mask. Helpless. Hopeless, I could change nothing about that situation other than drive fast, right? The best medicine in that moment was diesel. And so I moved. She almost died due to something called tuberoschlorosis complex, which is a genetic condition, right? Tumors and all of her vital organs, her brain. And so when I found that out, two things changed for me. I started taking those words from this guy very, very closely, where your pain does not belong to you, right?

So I changed how I trained. I changed the modality of my training to be better prepared if it happened to get. And then I went to EMT school. And I'm not the brightest crayon in the box, but I graduated EMT school. And now I have a trauma level first aid kit to keep my kid alive if it happens again. And that's always with me or at the house. That way I have the ability, Jarvis let go of my fucking mouse. Quit it.

He's doing stuff. All right. There we go. Leave it alone. that way I can um I forgot where I was going with that damn it that way you have a you have a level one trauma kit your daughter has two risk sclerosis right pre-disposed to see jesus yeah went to paramedic school all of that stuff that mentality changed in that moment so I get to be who she wasn't I get to put myself in a scenario where I challenge myself to be better for other people And I think that everybody should be doing that.

I think that if you become content in who you are, then you're saying, I've provided enough value to other people, and I'm done giving. Or I'm okay with this level of value that I provide to the world or provide to this person or my family. And if you put a cap on yourself, if you limit yourself in your accomplishments or your knowledge or your physical capabilities, you're doing yourself a disservice. but more importantly, everyone who relies upon you, you are doing them an incredible disservice, and it's disrespectful. Okay, so you don't deserve anything from other people? Do other people deserve something from you?

Everything I've got. How does that work? I fucking don't know. I don't know. It's, go ahead. I mean, there's one simple way, right? It's just that other people are worth more than you are. Yeah, there you go.

Yes. Right. Yeah, and again, that's because I can't, I can't, I can't assign myself value. Right. I can't, right? So if, if I'm not, hold on, sort of, okay? You can't assign yourself value, but neither can other people. Right.

Right, so that's important. Fair enough, that if you sign yourself value, maybe that's self-indulgent, it's prideful, whatever. But like even when other people, if other people say, hey, Scotty, I think you've done enough. Like, I as an external person, I believe you're entitled, I know it's a scary word, entitled to a vacation day. What would you do if I said that? I'd say not yet. I mean, the job's not done, right?

When is the job done? When it's over. What does over look like? I don't know. Right? That's what I'm afraid of. Yeah. That's what I'm afraid of. You're afraid of it being over.

Yeah. I'm afraid of all of this being over. Every moment that I have with my daughter, I'm afraid of it being over. Every moment I have with my fiancee, every moment I have where I feel like I'm providing value to people, where I feel that I'm more than I should have been. As a dumb kid from Oklahoma who has given me that shit hand, I'm afraid of all of that being done because I became content in what I provided. So I have to continue to try for more. have to I'm with you

I'm just thinking about where to go next so you've used yeah go ahead I don't please so you've used the phrase hero complex a couple of times can you tell me what that means

it means that when I think of a hero complex I think of superheroes right as I think a lot of people do where you selflessly give for the betterment of others even up and to up in potentially your life right and i really liked that idea of dying for a reason as a young man

when i was 17 so i joined the army and i became an infantryman i never went to war with the army so i was like that was for fucking nothing uh i always joked that my biological clock was ticking and i needed to bleed out in a european trench but um so i joined the army then i became a cop and that was a horrible mistake i i was not uh old enough to have the critical thinking skills to be a police officer. Then I became a bounty hunter because I thought I was just really good at arresting people. Then I became an EMT. Then a fireman because I liked the idea of putting myself in harm's way for others or an uncomfortable place for others.

And so that's that's what I thought of because when I was a kid, I saw all these strong men, right? Soldiers, cops, firemen. And I'm like, they stand for something. They have morals and values. And they've got it figured out. They're doing stuff for other people. And they're selflessly giving. So I want to be a part of that.

I was fucking wrong about most of that. The world is, you know, ran by money. And so all, you know, most of it is based on educational careers and stuff. And so when I became a cop, it didn't fit who I was. I was made fun of for wanting to help people. Then I became an EMT. And then shortly after became a fireman. And I wasn't a good fireman.

because I wasn't there. I didn't show up in the same way that others did. And so when it came time for my first fire, I lost my fucking helmet like an idiot and burned my head. And there was a lot of pride in that as well because I didn't want to be the first one on my first fire on the hose to open it up and fight this, you know, fighting the dragon or whatever.

That's a joke that they make. And then be like, well, somebody else do it. And so I lost my helmet right after getting into an attic fire. I opened up the nozzle anyway and burned the fuck out of my head. And so it took months to recover. And then I fucked around at the same time had a knee injury that I just limped through for six months and ended up needing surgery. So I literally would not give myself any quarter or a moment of rest or peace because I thought that's what, and I still do think that's what provides value to who I am. Yeah, it's quite the badge of honor.

But that's not it. it's not honor that I'm chasing. It's value. Because if I don't do that, I'm not giving enough, right? If you can, you must. So, yes. So I totally see that you're chasing feeling valuable.

You're chasing feeling worth it. And when you do those things, and at the same time, it's kind of like, you're sort of stuck, right? Because if you ever feel valuable, or you feel worth it, what's going to happen? So I, you'll lose your motivation.

Yeah. So in the realm of gaming, right? Nice. You accomplish something, right? And you get a little, Bing, good job, mission accomplished, right? You get XP.

It's like my character has glitched at whatever level I'm at. And no matter, no amount of XP levels me up. Yep. I'm stuck there. But the level that I'm at allows me to accomplish a lot. Yeah.

How do you feel about that? Stuck. Do you want to be unstuck? I don't know. Because I don't know what level 31 looks like, right? I don't know if it's better. I don't know if everything on the other side of that level up is positive. Are you sure you don't know?

Because what I'm hearing is that you know pretty clearly. Like so in one way. Hey, y'all. Just a reminder that. In addition to these awesome videos, we have a ton of tools and resources to help you grow and overcome the challenges that you face. We've got things like Dr. Kay's Guide to Mental Health, personalized coaching programs, and things like free community events and other sorts of tools to help you no matter where you are on your mental health journey. So check out the link in the description below and back to the video. Okay. So I'm going to talk about men from this point forward, okay?

Because I think you are a very manly man in all of the best and worst ways. You're like textbook. So I've done a lot of work with first responders. And so it's anyway, so it's, so let's start with something. Okay. So like you say you don't know. And I think what I'm hearing with I don't know, so this is lesson number one for dudes. If you say I don't know, that can mean.

many things. It can mean I don't know or it can mean I'm conflicted. Okay. Or it can mean I do know, but I don't like what it means. Sure. So which one of those three, and it may not be mutually exclusive. So you can have more than one. I think it's, I'm conflicted.

Yeah. That's what I hear. Right. So I think you've created a system for yourself where you're trapped. So you never assign value to yourself, number one. Okay, I'm going to try to, I'm going to go back to this. Well, actually, let me just. So number one is you never assign value to yourself.

You never allow yourself to feel pride. It can never be enough. And what's the reason for that? It's because if there's pride, if there's enough, there is like a 1% is 100%. This is a second thing that's going on with you, right? So the second that you take a day off, it's not like if you're over here and your mom is over here, this is not this is binary.

It's not a gradient. It's all another. Either you are getting buried as a fucking hero, which by the way, that only happens after you're dead,

right? Not when you're alive, right? So, like, I think you'd be perfectly content with a really good eulogy.

Like, that's fair enough. Yeah. Right? Yeah. It's like, if people want to say I'm a great dude,

like, I'm fine with that. My ghost will be there I'll listen to it. I'll give myself a pat on the back once I'm fucking dead. Yeah. Yeah. I mean,

fucking put me in a box and then talk shit. That's fine. Yeah, exactly. Right? And talk shit means talk good. Yeah, talk your shit. Yeah. Yeah.

Right? So that's like, so I think you're conflicted. I think you've created a system where you use inadequacy as motivation. Yes. Right? And so now you're kind of stuck. because if you ever feel adequate, if you ever feel good, if you ever, then you're like, then the

motivation will go away. So I think this is an issue of like a couple of things. Number one is a very 1% is 100%. It's like, you know, either we're up. There's just no difference. So that's one thing that I think needs to change if you want to change. Second thing is I think this is going to be really scary. But like, I think it's the most foreign feeling to you is to have value.

And by the way, that will shake your world, dude. Like, your world will come collapsing down. Like, like, everything that you've built, it's a really scary journey. I think that has to do with why you're not talking to your mom, which I know is, I'm not trying to get there specifically. But, like, I think that there's certain, like you, and this is why it's, I think it's so hard, right? Because you're a long shot. And being a long shot and ending up where you are, there's a certain. fragility because you know how easy it is to slip.

You know that if you move 1% in the wrong direction, right? If you start taking a day off, are you going to have a beer? And if you have one beer, are you going to have three? And once you have three beers, are you going to pass out instead of whatever? And then if you pass out, what if your daughter has a, yeah, I know, right? We could figure that out that one beer is not an option. Yeah. Right? Because if you pass out from three beers and you have those maybe addictive genetics within you and your daughter has a seizure, then like everything in the world will come crashing down.

And the amount of self-loathing, self-lame, everything that you've tried to run away from will suddenly be true. Right in front of me. Yeah. And it's fucking over. Games over. Gigi. Right? Alt-F4. Yep. And I don't think you could handle that. Nope. And so I think this is where now we have to think about a road forward, which the first thing we have to do is acknowledge that maybe you don't want to walk this road. There's a part. Right.

Yeah, go ahead. And that's why I use the term vindicated. Yep. Because it fucking works. Yep. Like that's the worst part about having these toxic mentalities, this all or nothing, this I'm going to fall on my sword just a little bit longer. right, is because it works. Yeah.

So I think that's a really, really, really great point, which is also why it's like hard. So I think this is what's really challenging, Scott. And it's so interesting how there's like bits that fit together. So one is you're a lot older than 30. Right. And one of the reasons you're a lot, it's not that you, I mean, sure you've been working on overtime, but you basically like didn't get to be a kid. No.

Right? So you didn't have a phase in your life where you get to be. indulgent and you get valued and you get to just like kids don't their worth is not because they lift trucks that are on cinder blocks during a march right that's not like the value of a child is just like i mean you know what the value of a child is you see it yeah right they don't do but like you you never experienced that so you don't know what that feels like and this is where like yeah i get to give that to my kids though yes like i like i like i Like that's, I have four daughters.

Yep. And I get to give them that value. Do you get to receive that from them? No. Because again, in the same frame as if I decide that I've done enough as a man, if I decide I've done enough as a father, I'm doing a disservice to my family. So, right. So like I give that value to my kids and I give them that space to be who they are and comforting and loving. But again, that, you're really.

Your children should not be the one giving you value. It's not a two-way street. It's not about should. So I think this is where we got to learn a different way to live life. You're living life in a world of shoulds, and you're going the right way in the shoulds. This is not bad, right? And by the way, is anything I'm saying coming across as judgmental or arrogant or I know better than you or anything like... Not at all.

So, like, here's the way that I would put it, right? So this may be challenging. But, like, how does it make you feel to do something for your daughters? Healing. Okay. That does feel healing. Okay, great. Because I call back, I call back to how it would have been handled for me. Do you have trouble receiving compliments or appreciation? Yeah. Okay. So you have trouble giving appreciation? No. What is it like to give appreciation? Um, if I can be candid. Yeah. It depends on who, who I'm giving it to. because if it's if it's my fiance

I mean it if it's my children I mean that if it's someone I hardly know right it's because I think they need it

okay oh boy all right this just gets harder harder I know I'm sorry no no no you don't apologize I mean it's great

so so like I was about to say something but I got to reevaluate. So, so, because I, I think that there's like, there's an angle here, which I'm sure you've thought about. And I'd love to hear how you reject this, right? But, like, appreciating your fiance or your kids isn't, like, a burden on you, right?

It's like, it feels good to do that. It is, like, sharing your happiness with someone. And so there's, like, there's a part of me that wonders, like, if your daughters wanted to pamper you for a day. out of an expression of their love. Like we're going to do Father's Day and we're going to do Daddy's favorite things because we want to express our love for Daddy. How would that feel to you?

So we do that, right? Yeah, I'm sure you do. We do. But the feeling there is that I'm giving that to them. That's an experience they get to have, not an experience that I get to have. Right? Right. So you're doing it to make them feel better.

I'm doing it to make them feel connected to their father. Okay. So once again, you twist that into not being able to receive it. But Father's Day where you're getting pampered is a service. It's not about me. Okay. I'm with you. Okay.

So now let's, I think I've got. So first of all, you're saying that you're going to break. Are you really going to break? Oh, I've had minty bees a couple of times in the past six months. Okay. Do you want to talk about that? Sure. So it was right when I got, I was getting my, I was getting my company off the ground, my fitness company. And I have trouble trusting people. Okay. With these things. And so when it came to hiring assistant coaches based on the influx of people who trusted me and signed up for my coaching, I really struggled with letting go of the reins to allow people to handle these clients. because we don't treat people like a number,

we treat them like a person and the specific needs that they have. And so I wanted to control everything. And I was abusing Adderall, and I wasn't sleeping for five, six days at a time. I wasn't eating because of the Adderall. I was abusing caffeine on top of it, and it was really, really bad. And I was still making content

and went on a road trip during one of these moments, and it was about two and a half, almost three months of this. where I would crash for about 18 hours, wake up and do it again. And I would sit at this desk for 36 hours, 72 hours at a time, to make sure that people got the version of me that they expected because they trusted me. And I didn't want to abuse that trust. And so it was pretty soon after I hired my fourth assistant coach.

I was handling 900 clients with weekly check-ins, daily messages, and all these other, like, mental health topics. And I was, I was home and I was about halfway in the bath, right? I'm butt-naked. And I'm getting in the bath. I got one foot in the water. And I just shattered. Sobbing. Because I was so tired.

Moving my feet felt like running a mile. and I was exhausted. And I wanted just a chance at resting, but I didn't feel like it was worth it. And again, that's not a regrettable experience for me, because it worked, right? Because it worked. And so it was okay for me to be tired and broken

because I'm okay now, and it worked. and people got what they deserved from me. And I had to follow my sword a little bit. I kept telling my fiancé, let me follow my sword for a little bit longer. It's a little bit longer. It's okay. I'm going to be fine. And she was pleading with me to stop.

And now we're a full company, 24 coaches and so many clients that were actually making a difference for. But it's because I did that based on my inability to trust people. that we got to where we are. And so, yeah, that happened a couple of times. I'm trying to think about the right question to ask. How do you feel? No, I think I know how you feel about that. You feel like it's worth it, right?

Worth it. Yeah. Yeah. The leak was repaired on the dam. And yeah. So I think that makes a lot of sense. I think this is going to be challenging for you. But let me, can I offer a couple of thoughts?

Okay. And then let me know if like something doesn't track or does track for you like let me know. Okay. Yeah. Okay. We're going to try this again. You can see this, you can see the iPad. Okay.

So when you feel guilty. Okay. So let's take this scenario of your most recent MnDB. Love that. Dude, I fucking love that. Do you make that up or is that something that you plug on TikTok? I'm sure I heard that somewhere. Okay.

Because heaven forbid. you did something clever. Right? So you have a client over here. And if you don't work for 72 hours, the client has a suboptimal experience. You need about 900 more of those clients. Sure.

Times 900. Great. Okay. So it has a suboptimal experience. And then if they have a suboptimal experience, what happens within you? then I feel inadequate because I abused their trust. Okay.

Inadequate, guilty. What else? Maybe let yourself down. Well, it's not about letting myself down. It's letting them down. Yeah, letting them down. Okay, fair enough. Right?

So, like, I could and I didn't. Yep. Right? So, like, that's a big no-no. So these are feelings. The strange thing that we call feelings. Now, when you feel things, how do you deal with these feelings? How do you solve these feelings?

So I am very much a, my solutions are actions for me. Great. Right. So if there is an adverse reaction based on, the action of not working those 72 hours in this circumstance, then the inverse action would be to fix the problem that caused the emotions. So then I just fall on the sword a little bit longer. I work a little bit longer.

Yep, yep, yep. Okay, so here's what's really interesting, right? So when you work, let's say that this is you and this is your, amount of work. So let's say you work 10 hours, 20 hours, 30 hours, and 40 hours. Each time you work, this basically gets rid of this feeling. And then you work 20 and you get rid of this. You do this and you get rid of this. Okay? So this is really classic.

Where? Here's you. Here is guilt. And then what we're going to do is work. And if you can act that will destroy the guilt. But it goes deeper than that. Here's your kids. Here's Father's Day. And they send you love and appreciation.

And then what you even do is you think to yourself, well, I'm going to give them the opportunity to do something good so that they can feel good.

So that they feel connected. Okay, sure. But the key thing here is that there's some, like, instead of just receiving this, you have to do this step. Yes. Does that make sense? And that, in a weird way, like, changes this a little bit. Okay. Like, you're kind of following me?

Like, you can't just sit with appreciation, like, the internal emotional state to simply feel appreciated. It doesn't change what they feel. Right. It doesn't change what they feel. But the whole, sorry, this is their appreciation. What I mean here is that this appreciation on your end, thank you very much, that was great. Appreciation on your end disappears when you go through these gymnastics. Correct.

Right? So if we look at your life, and this is so true of men, men manage their emotions through their environment. Okay. Okay, so like what I'm going to do, if I feel a certain way, I'm going to change my environment. If I feel powerless, I'm going to punch someone in the nose. so that I feel power. Like literally. Right?

So the feeling, a feeling cannot be addressed internally. A feeling must be addressed externally. Okay. So this is why men, this is how men become slaves to their environment. Because if the environment

does something to you, and this creates feelings, whether they're positive or negative, then what I, if my brother or mom or sister is disappointed, in me, I have to make that right through giving him a gift or whatever. Right?

I don't think you're vulnerable to that particular kind of feeling. Sure. But so does this kind of make sense? Yes. So if you, and then here's the other thing. So if we talk about Adderall, I feel. Can you, can you draw slightly to the left? Because it's off center on the screen.

Can I draw to the left? Yeah, because off to the, your left. My left. Maybe your left. Could be the right. I don't know. Make a line on the thing. There's, oh, whoops.

There's a line. Is that centered or no? No. Centred on your screen? Yeah, it's not centered on my screen at all. That's probably a me problem. No, no, no, it's a me problem. Let me see if I can, I can't draw to the left, but I, holy shit, what can I do about this?

I think it's because the resolutions don't line up. That's okay. Let me see if I can do this. Does that make things better? No, it's fine. We'll just run with it. Okay. So, okay, I apologize.

No, you're fine. Okay, so if you feel tired, right, and then you want to rest, this becomes indulgent. Yes. So then what we're going to do is like, that's not okay. So then like Adderall comes in, right? we don't want to do this, so then we're going to do Adderall to fix this problem. And if we fix the tiredness, then we won't rest and then we won't feel indulgent. So this is where, like, the getting in trouble with Adderall comes because, once again, one of these external things,

Adderall is out here. And there's tiredness, and then that also goes to rest in indulgence. So we're sort of breaking this chain by using the Adderall, right? Sure. Now, I should say that that external factor of, say, Adderall or some type of stimulant like caffeine, uh, in that scenario is necessary for the, the problem of the workload, which has since diminished. Sure. So, so the first thing to understand is like, okay, so, but does this make sense to you?

Yeah. Okay. So here, so here's what I've found growing up at. So I, I once had a wonderful mentor. who told me that growing up is the process of discarding what works. Okay. Okay. So, like, basically, as human beings, I think this is, like, arguably less true when we're young,

but even to a certain degree, like, it's sort of true, right? So, like, if you think about a child, a two-year-old throwing a temper tantrum, that sort of works, and then at some point you have to, like, stop doing the things that work. And generally speaking, our environment determines, how much we need to abandon what works. So if people give into my temper tantrum, then what happens is like, then I don't have a check or balance,

so I continue throwing temper tantrums. But if I want to grow up, even if temper tantrums are working, I need to move past what is working. Does that make sense? Yeah. So I think you're in a really, really tricky situation.

And I absolutely love talking to you, Scotty, because like you remind me so much of just about every dude, that I've worked with who's like a first responder. Like this is cops, veterans, and like firemen and things like that. So also would run into trouble with too many, using too many substances. And the reason that this is a vulnerability to too many substances is because a substance is a way to change your internal emotional state. Now, you are paranoid careful enough to not even touch it because we both know that maybe if you touch it, bad things will happen.

Right. So you're not even like fucking around with that. You're not even letting that enter your solution space. Right. So and I know that you don't and I, so the first thing is this works. This has gotten you really far. It has gotten you out of literally like trailers burning down, couch surfing, stuff like that. Right. This relentless adopting this view that you were worthless has helped you have the energy

drive and motivation to fix your circumstances. So this is something that is very important for your success, and it's very scary to give it up. So how do you deal with the fear of what's on the other side of the dam? Are we going to send an expedition beyond the walls to see where the Titans actually come from and what the fuck is going on out there? No. Because if we go out there, then fear comes up. And how do we manage fear?

We manage fear through actions. We manage fear through doing what we know is safe. right? Yep. Yep. Now, if you really want to change, and by the way, this is the other thing, you don't have to want to change to change. It's okay to not want to change. That's the first thing.

I know it's kind of weird, but like a step forward for you and anyone who's in your situation is being okay with not wanting to be better or not wanting to change. Like, it's okay that you can accept that, right? Self-acceptance is very unusual for you. So it's a weird, paradoxical way to get into it. Second thing, and I know this is going to be really hard. It's going to be like the hardest fucking thing you've ever done. And it's going to be hard because you've tried to do it before and it's never worked out is to sit and tolerate emotions. Right?

To sit. And like when your mom, when your kids come to you and they're like, I want to do something nice for you. When someone wants to do something nice for you, there's going to be all these like feelings of like this isn't fair. This isn't. But it's just a feeling. It's not a reality. And at least in a moment, you can tolerate it. Like you can handle it.

You're a big boy in some ways. But you're also a very young, powerless boy inside you. And that's the kid who shows up when someone tries to do something nice for you. You get that? They're not doing something nice. It's the little kid. And the little kid, holy shit, man, that little kid learned the hard way that believing they deserve something hurts so much when they get let down.

Believing that they deserve love and that they deserve kindness and that they don't have to do everything on their own. Like, you used to believe that, right? And then your seventh birthday came along and you never got another Christmas present. And so you learned how to harden your heart to survive because understanding that you are intrinsically worth something, that you don't have to do something for other. It hurts so much. I mean, yeah.

There's so many things that compound on top of it, you know, with, you know, not just not receiving gifts, you know, because there's kids across the world that don't do that. I mean, with getting beaten by dog chains, punched in the face, house raided by the DEA when I was a kid. You name it. And it made me feel bottom of the barrel. I had a cop one time, a DA agent, raided my house when I was a kid, 12 or 13, shotgun in my face, arrested my parents. It was awesome. And then he leaned down next to me and he's like, hey kid,

just because your parents are fucking dirtbags doesn't mean you have to be a dirt bag. And I still remember that guy. And so like, you're right. The fear of allowing myself to feel adequate is so entrenched in how I grew up that it's, I can't let that go. I'm not sure if I want to. And the whole like allowing my children to feel a sense of giving without me receiving, right?

It doesn't fulfill anything in me to receive that love in a way. It makes me feel like a good father to allow them to give that love. So like, right. So you're a slave to this thing. So I think that and then what happened is being at the bottom of the barrel, you did something really. important I was about to say brilliant

I wasn't sure how you would respond to that right so so like you did something really brilliant which is like

you turned that negativity into you and it became something that you hitched your trailer to harnessed right

it became your diesel and so now it's scary because you don't know how to exist without it you don't know why you would

wake up in the morning if it wasn't for this feeling. And this is where that principle of 1% is not 100%. Man, there's all kinds of shit in the middle. Okay? Like,

and that's where like, you're not going to understand that until you, like, swim around a little bit in these waters. Right. So I would say very simply, it is an understanding that if you do not act in response to your emotions, the first place to start,

and it's not, we don't have to go all the way there, like all the way to the end of the, road, but the first place to start is just to recognize that when you feel a particular way, when you feel tired, if you do nothing, the emotion will go away on its own. Okay? I know. I hate that.

I know you do, right? So, so this is where, like, you have to make a decision of whether you can do that 1%. Okay? Now, here's a couple things I'm going to share with you. and then if you want to ask questions, you can ask, and if you don't want to, that's okay. But I believe very different things from what you believe, even though I think everything you believe is correct.

Okay. And I'm not trying to like flex or anything, so let me know if this comes across the wrong way. Please. So I'm content with who I am. I don't think I need to be better. I think I've done enough for the world. Like, I think on, by any objective standard,

And my standard, by the way, is have I helped people more than the help that I have received? Am I a net positive? Am I 1% from everything that the world has given me? Have I helped, like, one more person than the number of people who have helped me? That's my standard. That's like my objective standard. And here's the crazy thing. Even though I think I've had a positive impact on the world.

I think I could retire tomorrow, just fucking play video games all day long, do whatever the fuck that I want to. I still think my life would be a net. positive. Okay. And at the same time, it doesn't mean that I'm lazy. It doesn't mean that I stop working, right? So it does, like, I actually still try really hard. I work usually seven days a week in some form. I've been really doing a lot better with that. And I took my first vacation in five years, right? So, like, I'm sort of with you there in the sense that, you know, I do take vacation. So I've taken one. But usually, like, what vacation for me means is that I do all of the work that week before I leave. I don't actually take a week off. I just triple or quadru,

I mean, for the four weeks prior to when I take a week off, I'm like doubling my workload. That's usually practically what it is. So I actually took a vacation for the first time. And my point to you is not to say that I'm better than you or anything like that. It's that there is a way to do this where you get to rest. And I don't think that the moment that you start, like if you take a fucking day off, I don't think everything is. that you've built is going to come collapsing down. I don't think that the care that you have for other people, the mission that you have in your heart to make the world a better place,

and that you recognize that there are people out there who don't have a helping hand, and you're going to try to be that. I don't think that disappears. Do you see how that is actually different from feeling tired? One is not, and it has nothing to do with your internal state. Right. And right now, the problem is that this is the second thing that men do is we tangle things up. We tangle up in association.

This thing gets automatically tied to this thing. If I take a day off, that means I'm a lazy ass. Like, no, no, no, no. There's shades of gray. There's nuance. One percent is not 100%. And literally in like 99% of the men I've worked with, teaching them this and learning this for myself, by the way,

is like 1% is not 100%. You can let a crack in the dam open. Actually, you shouldn't let a crack in the dam. That's usually what happens. It's a crack, right? And then you have one foot in the tub and you start bawling. Like, I know it's kind of weird. Like, we're going to open the door of the dam so that we let so we're going to have a controlled release from the dam.

Yeah, yeah. Right. There are ways to do that. And I think for you, it's very simply just like learning to tolerate emotion without action and just watching it. Just saying like, okay, this is just how I feel in this moment. Like, that's it. Yeah. I very much feel like a shark, right?

Like if I stop moving, I'm going to die. Yeah, you're going to die. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. If I sit with those emotions, right, which I've tried. I have.

I've tried this. Yeah. Where I have those feelings of inadequacy or I feel unsafe in my standing with my family or friends or whatever. And I sit with it. For me, maybe I'm not sitting with it long enough. But it doesn't resolve. It doesn't go away. Right.

So for me, because of the man, right, actions required. Yeah, so I think that makes perfect sense. And I think you're doing it right. So did you,

do you still sit with things? I try. Okay. So I think this is where like, it's a really, really, really great point where like sometimes the feeling doesn't resolve,

which is okay. I still think sitting with it is important. So this is where, you know, like you said, you started with 35 pound kettlebells or whatever. And so what we want to do

is we want to sit with things for about 60 seconds, five minutes, 10 minutes. And if it doesn't go away and you want to act afterward, that's actually totally fine. Okay. I think, though, that there's just like, you know, like you're tired in your soul, bro. Yeah.

Right? And like the piece that I'm talking about is not physiologic, is not even cognitive. Like, it's like in your soul, man. Like, put your feet up, right? The rest of the world is there. Your mission is there. tomorrow is going to roll around.

You're not going to fall apart like in 30 seconds. So something I've said in the past is you can't save the world tomorrow if you don't survive today. Mm-hmm. Right. And so I give 100%. If I can, I must. What I mean by this is if there's only 20% to give, I'm going to give the full 20. That's 100% of what I got.

but I'm not over-exerting myself to the point to where I'm stealing from tomorrow. I'm with you there, but I think that there's, you know, it sounds like such a good thing to say, but I have one problem with that phrase, which is that your threshold there of self-care is survival. Correct. Right? It's like, like you can't save the world if you're dead. There's no level of self-care, though.

I mean, that's the thing is like, again, self-care is important. I understand this. I have taken everything that could be utilized to self-care and I've turned it into... You're right. Fuel for... Right?

Yes. You're just... You're feeding a really high-quality feed to your buffalo so that it can plow for 18 hours instead of 12. Right? So even self-care for you is not really self-care.

It's just So, and that's where, like, I think this is going to be so hard for you, but I'd be really curious, like, what would something that feels completely contrary to you? Like, like, really feels like self-care. Like, how could you, in the smallest way possible, do something for yourself? I have no idea. Okay. Like, that's where I start to lose the path. I have no clue.

I don't know where I feel adequate. I don't know where I feel like I'm myself by myself because I still struggle with knowing who the fuck I am. Yes. So why do you think that's hard for you? I think that

oh man I think when you're a kid a lot of your identity comes from your parents. Okay. And I hate that identity. Okay. So I want to be something different.

Okay. Right. Right. So, well said. So now I think we're running into something else. So I think this is good. So how does someone, you're right, when you're a kid, fine. Your identity comes from your parents.

How does someone know, if I tell you, I know who I am, How do you think I know that? Trials and errors. Very good, right? So what you're suggesting is that a knowledge of the self comes from something outside of you. Correct. Right? So you define yourself by the way that you relate to your environment.

So did I do enough? 900, multiply it by 900. Did I do right by them? Do I have 24 coaches? That means I'm worth something. Right? It means I'm not worthless. I know.

Okay. Fair, good, good nuance, right? Heaven forbid we say you're worth something, right? I feel like you get me, Doc. Yeah, right? So I'm with you there. And I really appreciate how you're like correcting me in like subtle but gigantic ways. Right?

It's huge. So here's the thing. So just from a scientific perspective, our sense of identity comes from a narrative of our internal experiences. Okay. Right. So if I ask you who you are, it's interesting because the story that we get is about events, but it's about the way that you responded to those events. So the story about like, you know, I started working out because I didn't want to feel powerless, right? So like if we listen to each one of those things, the story about I came home from Christian camp and I had to look through the window to realize my mom was gone. So those moments, those moments of your life, like they sound like events, but they're not events. They're pure powerlessness. realization that you're not powerless

abandonment in a whole fucking different way like a negligent abandonment like just like a not like a my mom was high on something this was like she literally like packed up like she didn't just forget right like sure if she's like high out of her mind she can forget

to make you breakfast on it that's kind of understandable this is someone like fucking moving and she has to have realized oh yeah this 14 year old is going to come home And I'm not going to be here. No, she planned it, yeah. Right?

So this is a level of abandonment that is like way bigger. I don't know what I'm saying. So these are the moments of your life. And so this is the problem is the moment that you start, so if we say that your identity is a narrative of emotional experiences, what do you do with your emotional experiences? I work them physically. Exactly.

So you get rid of the emotion. Right? as you are blinding yourself, as you are reducing your emotional awareness, sounds like you're maybe alexathymic, but maybe not so much. That means colorblind to your internal emotional state. You may not know what you're feeling. So I think... Yeah. There's moments where I have a lot of clarity. Yeah. But the majority of it is stay busy, stay alive. Yep. Right. So if you're, if you're, if you're moving, you're not stopping and feeling. those are like two and all of your movement reduces your feeling and as you reduce your feeling like this literally becomes empty there's nothing going on here it's all like out here literally your attention you are not looking in this direction what i've done is recreated the circumstance of what's next what's next on the to-do list what's right around the corner that circumstance of chaos that i lived in as a child right that's it it's where i'm comfortable right my to-do list that's right my to-do list that's right

that I have to check off daily. Like literally, I have a to do list like coffee, medication for the kids, get them to school, have breakfast, take a shit. Like literally everything that I do in a day because I have to be regimented. I have to feel accomplished that I did this thing. Now I got to do this thing. And then by the time the day is over, if I have something left over on that to do list, I didn't do enough. If I do something that's not on the do to list because I have ADHD, I add it and then click it off. So I feel like I did something.

So there's this like always what's next mentality and I'm just constantly busy so I'm not feeling that like inadequacy. Yeah, right? So I think that you're chasing certain feelings through actions and you're avoiding certain feelings through actions which is totally fine. It's like it's not you're very productive. And at the same time I think you just have to decide for yourself whether you want to find out who you are. And the way that your eulogy is defined by your actions. Yes. But not your awareness of yourself. Okay.

Right? So, and you're fine. You're chasing a eulogy, like, good for you. Like, great. There's nothing wrong with that. But what I'm sort of noticing is that, like, there's just this dimension of life, which you're correct, that, like, a lot of us get this through parenting, right? When our parents love us and when they emotionally mirror and things like that, like, that's

how we know what we're feeling. So I think that there's a whole dimension of stuff here for you to discover. I hesitate to, I would use the word grow, but I don't want to use that word. because as I use that word, the part of you that wants to do more by the world will hijack that. So I'm not going to use the word grow.

I think it's really just a choice you have to make about whether you want to discover who you are from the inside. And like, when you're ready to do that, just sit the fuck down and do nothing. Right? For like 15 to 20 minutes. That's the hard part because

who I am to the world is based on action. Right. And then we're getting into a whole, I mean, this is just the first of many. Now we're getting into ego, external identity versus awareness of the self. And my journey has taught me that when you are secure in yourself, this is what protects you because you're thinking, okay, like, if I don't feel inadequate, I won't act. The cool thing is that once you remove all of that emotion from the equation, you will be inspired to act. You will be called to act. So I think you have a piece of that. In what manner? So that would be the question that I pose. And it's a large question. If you don't have the diesel behind you of inadequacy or not having the accomplishments or the self-value, right?

If that's not what drives the decisions to be better for others, right? The conviction to do better for others, what is the motivation? because I'm not a religious man. I don't have the morals of a book. Yeah, sure. I mean, I don't think it's that either. So I think, by the way, religion is just internal stuff too, right? So it's like, I have to be good or whatever.

So I know this is going to sound absolutely insane. It's responding to your environment. So you will be, the world around you will tell you what needs to be done. You will see it with your perception. So what drives me is perception more than anything else. Okay. And it's cool. Like once you abandon inadequacy and adequacy, it becomes so simple.

Right. So like if someone is like, if someone needs help crossing the road, I'm not going to feel inadequate if I don't do it. And I'm not going to feel great if I will do it. I will just do it. That's where my fork is in the road, right? Where that all or nothing mentality, if you can, you must. If you can't, you must try. If let's use that, for instance, if someone,

needs help crossing the road and you decide to fuck off west and let them do it on their own why does that not make you less hold hold on hold on but this is this is the mistake i mean i'm calling it a mistake you were assuming that i will fuck off west if i don't feel inadequate i what i'm saying is i respond to my environment without feelings of adequacy or inadequacy i will do it it's not be and if i have to fuck off West, I won't feel bad about it. Okay. Right? So I think it's very close to where you are as if you can, you must. I don't feel like I must. It just

feels like it, it's, it becomes an egoless pursuit of response. It's like just picking up a little bit of trash when you walk down the street. Then you respond to your environment in a very, very simple way. Right? And I think like I learned this like in the, I mean, you've been a paramedic so you kind of, I imagine can relate to this where

it's like, I remember I specifically had a I was on a trauma surgery rotate. I was on call with a trauma surgeon in a hospital. And this guy came in with like three gunshot wounds. Okay. And like I was like worried that the guy was going to die. And the surgeon was like, you know,

the dude can die. Like we can't do anything about that. We can't, we can't stop death. Like we can't do that. We can just do what we can do. Right. So it's not about feeling inadequate or adequate. You can still respond to your environment.

Well, okay. So I've done trauma medicine. Yeah. I was a combat medic. I spent some time in Afghanistan where I had moments where I needed to do those things. And as an EMT as well, firemen, you know, there's moments where those things are necessary. So the way that I have, the mentality that I track for these things is like in those moments, right, you have a duty, right? Whether you're wearing the badge or not or the shirt or the uniform or not.

There's a duty there, a sense, to act based on the environment that you're respond. to. If you show up half cocked and you do half the job, you didn't give enough, right? So, you know, you can't win the fight with death every time. But if you show up, yeah, hold, go ahead. So, so what, okay, here's the key thing, right? So I think this is great, because I think this is why 1% leads to 100%. What determines whether you show up half cocked? Did you do what you should have done, what you could have done, right? And, right? And, Okay. Did you follow the letter of your training?

Did you fall back on your systems? Why? But no, what is the internal state that results in half-cocked? Giving a fuck? Giving a fuck about what? Maybe I'm... So, huh, I'm trying to find a way to picture this. Let me try to ask you again, okay?

Okay. So you're saying like, okay, you have a duty. Therefore, you should not show up half-coct, right? Correct. What is it that makes someone half-cocked? Where they don't have that drive of, like, duty, that sense of duty, right? That's one thing that makes them half-cocked. What else makes them half-cocked?

That they indulge. So why wouldn't someone study? Because they're lazy. Exactly, right? So what is laziness? Keep going. laziness is taking those moments to yourself to decide that you are worth some level of reprisal instead of doing the job that's required. Whatever.

So there's some internal signal that is controlling your actions that makes you lazy. I want to play a video game. I don't want to study. Right. Right? So I know it's kind of weird, but this is the crazy thing. So the only way you end up half-cocked is if you give in to something within yourself. So like this is what's kind of weird.

when I'm saying I don't feel adequate or inadequate in the same way when I sit down to study, I don't study, I ignore the laziness and I ignore this like grander sense of purpose. Right. So I know this is going to sound kind of weird and I feel like I'm offering prideful examples about myself. But like I literally like I did not know. So my mentor called me one night and was like during the night of our med school. school graduation. He's like, where are you? And I was like, I don't know, like, I'm not at the school. You know, he's like, we have an award ceremony. I'm like presenting an award to you and you're

not here. And I was like, oh, shit, I didn't even check my grades. Right. Right. So I used to be very, like, focused on grades, but then one day I realized when I was in med school, I'm not here to get grades. I'm here to like learn how to help people. So I started studying really fucking hard. And in a sense you could say that that was a sense of duty, which I think duty is a good thing. But really it's like, okay, in this environment, like, what's the point, what is the environment telling me to do? I'm in this physiology lecture. I need to learn this physiology. I'm responding to my environment. So I know it sounds kind of really bizarre. But the more that you empty yourself, which is different from numbing yourself, different from not knowing what you are, the more you learn to tolerate your

internal things, my experience, and I'm far from perfect. I'm a fucking degenerate. I don't work like, you know, I could work, I could accomplish so much more than I do. I could help. I mean, I could do so much more than I do. And I'm okay with like, hey, you know, like I'm a fucking human. So. Okay.

You know. Can I pose a question? Yeah. And this, please take this as softly as one can. If you can do more, why don't you? Because I'm flawed. Okay. Right?

So that's where I struggle. If I can do more and I don't, unacceptable. Right. I understand that. So that's where my separation comes from all of this, where that falling on the sword happens, right? Where, you know, the sword. So here's the thing.

Where did you learn to, so let's just dig into that for a second. Like, where did you learn to expect so much from yourself? Without getting too deep into it? overseas. Okay. First day of Afghanistan, I was 265 pounds. Couldn't do a pull up to save my life for yours. People suffered because of that.

I was not the person I should have been, right? Okay, good, right? So now if we sort of think about that, right? So there is an emotion there. There is a view of reality that you have internalized. But all that, I know this is where things get hard. that's just an experience. It is your karma.

That's just what happened. Can you learn from that? Absolutely. Should you be better? Absolutely. Did you let yourself go? Absolutely. So I'm not advocating that you let yourself go or anything like that.

This is where I think we sort of get in the middle. I mean, I could do more, but I'm forgiving towards myself. I really struggle there. I know. And I don't think you're going to get it in this conversation. And I highly doubt that I would. I just, I, it makes zero. sense to me at every level.

Yep. To be capable of providing more, accomplishing more, or being more to others. Yeah. And not doing it. Yep. Yep. Yep. I know it's confusing. So here's what I would say. I focus on being, not acting or accomplishment.

Okay. I don't know if that makes any sense to you. But no. Yep. So I think that's the reason for that is because once again, you know, when you say like, I don't know who I am. Right. So like, I've spent a lot time sitting with myself. And what I've discovered is that the more I sat with myself, and I know this is going to maybe fuck you here, Scotty, but I think the more that you sit with yourself, you will

accomplish orders of magnitude more than you have done. That's my overwhelming experience, not just for myself, but the people that I work with. That could be the only driving factor that changes anything. I know. And that's why it's like, it's such a paradox, right? Because here I am telling you, I'm telling you it's going to accomplish more. And like, that's what happened. I would work with people who are incredibly sexful.

They sound hot. Yeah. And then they would start doing, like, way more. Right? But this is the weird paradox, and this comes back to like this weird sort of thing from Eastern spiritual traditions, where, you know, the desire for enlightenment. So when you become enlightened when all of your desires go away. Okay.

Sure. Then you're perfectly content. The desire for enlightenment prevents enlightenment. Okay. Right? So as long as I strive for enlightenment, I will never be enlightened. Right. And so it's kind of weird, but like this is just another thing that I've learned.

It's kind of hard to describe, but there's a bucket of shit that doesn't make sense but works. And when you're operating from this logical mode, like it makes sense, man. It makes perfect sense. And that doesn't mean that it's true. Right. Right? And so I think there's like this weird thing where I think it's going to be experiential. I think it's like starting by sitting with yourself, like discovering who you are, which then like, because it's kind of weird, but you're so tired.

You have this monkey on your back and like there's no way that you are giving the world the best version of you while this is going on. If I can ask. Yeah. The adage of sitting with yourself. Yeah. Finding out who you are. Yep. it's going to sound kind of silly.

What makes a man? What maketh man, right? What is that? What level or system is quantifiable internal that you can decide who or what you are? It's a beautiful question. So this is what's cool. Like, I love that question, but I'm not fucking woo-woo about it. I hate these, like, like, finding yourself is a technical, it's a technical thing.

So here's how, here's what I would start. how do you know you're you personal experience what does that mean memories and who I am how I experienced were you you okay so are you remembering something right now no I'm experiencing the world around me

okay okay right so you can exist without memories so let's get rid of memories what else makes you you okay so great you said you're experiencing yourself right now right so here's the key thing basically finding who you are is so right now you are experiencing what? This podcast.

Okay, great. Three hours ago you were experiencing what? Building a computer for Wesley. Okay. And so when you're like taking a dump, are you Scotty K Fitness? Sure. No, you're not.

You're just a dude taking a dump. Just to do taking a shit. Right? That's what you are. Like, let's be honest. Like, you're, like, when you were, when you were a fucking homeless kid taking a dump, you're like the same. Yeah.

What's really funny. Yeah. What's really funny is that's how I squash any anxiety, anxiety I have with dealing with people of high regard. I imagine them taking a shit. Absolutely, dude. That's how. Because nobody can be intimidating when they shit. Yeah, that's great.

So that's how you feel not intimidated. That's how I get hard. This episode is brought to you by Redfin. You're listening to a podcast, which means you're probably multitasking, maybe even scrolling home listings on Redfin, saving homes without expecting to get them. But Redfin isn't just built for endless browsing. It's built to help you find and own a home. With agents who close twice as many deals, when you find the one, you've got a real shot at getting it. Get started at Redfin.com.

Own the Dream. Okay, so, so in that moment, when I cracked that joke, who were you? Gosh, I don't know, me. Just, that's it. So here's the fucking wild thing. All you are is that which experiences. You're just you. And actually in life, most of the time, we aren't ourselves.

Right? The moment that you get caught up in who this person is, the moment that you get caught up in wanting to accomplish more. You actually move away from, I don't know if this makes sense, pure experience. Yeah, no. The more that you get caught up, right? So here's how you discover who you are. So I would say that the best concept for who I am is the Sanskrit word called Shunya, which means void. So actually what you are, the truest part of you is not that which is on the screen.

Right now I'm looking at a monitor. The monitor is who you are, not the pixels on the screen. So I see an image of you, but that's not really what's there. Right? Like, and I know it's kind of fucking weird, but what you really are is the capacity for experience. Your body can change. Your thoughts can change. Your emotions can change.

Your goals can change. Your ego can change. You can feel adequate. You can feel inadequate. You can feel not good enough. You can feel good enough. All that shit can change. But the one thing that never changes is you are the one who experiences all of that.

That is really who you are. Okay. Then comes the practice. which is to try to remove everything with that changes and just to sit in an experience of yourself that has no object and the moment that you do that, the whole fucking game changes.

Okay. Dive deeper on the no object part. So right now, you exist, right? Yes. Where is your attention? On you. You have thoughts and emotions. and whatever.

So right now you're seeing things. So a tiny bit of your attention, like your experience is a little bit through your eyes, right? Sure. Close your eyes. Okay. And now listen to the sound of my voice. What do you notice about the...

How is the sound of my voice changed? What do you notice about it? Long consonants. Okay. Deeper when you said the word you? Okay, right. So are you noticing more things about the sound of my voice? now that your eyes are closed?

Yes. Okay. Yes, because I've closed one of my perceptions. Okay, perfect. So if you close one perception, what happens to the other perceptions? They become heightened in a manner. Okay, perfect. So if I close two perceptions, what will happen to the other three?

I'm sure that they'll heighten. Okay. And if I close three, four, and five, what will happen if I close all of my perceptions? I have no idea. Okay. I mean, I imagine what's left will be singular. 100%. Okay.

Right? That's how you discus. discover who you are is a singularity of you without form, without substance, just pure awareness. That's really what you are. And then it gets diluted by what you see. And then comes, even if we get rid of all five of our perceptions, there are more than five perceptions. Because we have the perception of thought. We have the perception of emotion.

Those are not physical senses, but they are things that will detract your attention. Sure. Right? So even if I'm trying to, you know, if I'm becoming a softie, I will mentally, I will close my eyes and then I will imagine someone taking a shit. And then that will, as my attention goes into that. Right. So there's a mental perception as well. You can perceive your thoughts and your emotions.

So then you shut off the mind, you shut off the emotions, you shut off all of your senses. This is a yogic practice called Bratiyahara. And then you're left with like nothing but awareness. awareness without object okay okay that so I've tried the meditation game before yeah right

I've tried the guided meditation the unguided I've tried sensory deprivation all that stuff that is so fucking hard for a multitude of reasons maybe I'm not trying it long enough I've tried EMDR and all that stuff but sensory deprivation is difficult

I have tinnitus so it's really hard yeah it's really bad But everything else, like, I've never experienced clear thought, nothingness. I've never experienced not a wandering thought. Or, in a sense, the ability to sit with myself with no object. I've never experienced that. So you have come pretty close. Okay.

Okay. So I would say when you're laughing. Okay. Right? Like, that's the closest you get. because there's a moment where you recognize the joke, but then you're just laughing. You're not thinking about the joke.

You're not even like feeling a particular emotion. You're not aware of what you're seeing. You're not aware of what you're hearing. Right? So like you're just kind of pure, like you know what I mean? Your mind is empty when you laugh, when you really laugh.

Yeah. How does it feel? Untethered. I mean, there's nothing there. Yeah. And how does that feel? Fleeting? Is that a word I can use there?

Yes, 100%. Good. Yeah. Right? Does it feel bad? No. Right? So this is where there are techniques of meditation.

If you've got tinnitus, that's just really, really hard. It's fucked. Tinnitus is like the number one thing that I would say makes it hard to meditate beyond everything else. Just as I've taught thousands of people how to meditate. It's just... It's so bad even, Doc. I have to listen to, like, YouTube to go to sleep. If my phone shuts down, then I wake up nauseous.

Yeah. So I'd say that... So I think that, like, understanding what the point of meditation is, what you're chasing, So I think a lot of people will teach meditation without understanding what the point is. So what I would say is try to get to a state of mind that is akin to laughter. Orgasm is another one that brings us there. Like we're just there for a minute. Right.

There's also why people also long for sleep because sleep is an emptiness without awareness. Sure. And even it's the emptiness that is rejuvenating, not the lack of awareness. So you can be. I have a friend that says sleep is cosplaying death. Yep. And. there are weird stories about that too,

about death and what the nature of death is. Anyway, so I think, like, if you're having trouble meditating with tinnitus, I think the first thing is like, understand what you're going for, which is as empty of an experience as you can get. So in your case, I think you probably need something called a good alumina, which is a pillar. So the problem is that is you empty yourself,

senses, the tinnitus will amplify. So you need something. So the technique that or the principle you need to use is a climatization to something else. Okay. So if you. Like a center point? Exactly. Okay.

Beautifully set. Right. So I think you're actually like, you're going to be good at this. The only problem is that just like the myths, now we come full circle. The myths on the internet about fitness are wrong. The myths about meditation are wrong. but as you find that center point, so you figure out one sense

or one thing that allows you to get rid of everything else. And as you sit on that one thing, this is what will naturally happen. The moment you put on your shirt in the morning, you feel it. And then your body acclimatizes. Then you no longer feel it. So if you sit on something,

this is called in the Lumbana, which means support or pillar, it's kind of like a cane for meditation. So if you find the right alumina and that's where you have to do some back and forth, you can like practice some things, like you can try different things. So like something like candle gazing may work really well for you, where you're just staring at a candle for like 60. I've experienced that. Yeah. How is that for you?

Yeah. Still very wandering thoughts, right? But the gazing at whatever it may be, that's where I do a lot of deep thought. A lot of deep thoughts. Yeah, so you've got to train yourself. Have you done candle gazing or just gazing at other things? Gazing at inanimate objects entirely. Candle is different.

Okay. So candle is different, and this is the key thing. When you do candle gazing, we'll send you like a, there's like a, we have a meditation guide and stuff. Special candle. Yeah. The thing about the, because the senses will grip you in different ways. Okay. Right?

So like different sensory inputs will have different effects. on our mind, like literally. So if you gaze at a candle, then if you close your eyes, you'll see the after image of the candle. Yes. And concentrating on the after image of the candle sometimes works incredibly well.

Okay. It'll keep the other stuff at bay, and this is where you just have to try out different things until you find the sense that feels right for you. But I think you're going to be good at this, Scotty. Okay. Cool. I like being good at things. Okay.

don't we all. Oh, man. Okay. That's interesting. I've learned a lot. So have I. Well, I wouldn't. Go ahead.

Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. You know what? Call me out. That's fine. Right? So you felt inadequate and then I pointed it out and now how do you feel?

A little bit uncomfortable? A little bit of called out. Yeah. That's fine. That's fine. See, that's what I. need from people though is that level of like hey no you're not a shitbag and now that you feel called out for being called out how do you feel fine right so like this is the cool thing the more

we gain awareness of it that emotional energy will disappear it's okay it's okay yeah yeah sorry i didn't mean to cut you off but you're fine i forgot what i was talking about yeah any last thoughts or questions before we wrap up for the day no, I've been looking forward to doing this. Me too, dude. I think that a lot of people can benefit from being vulnerable enough to be wrong about things, even if it's been working, because you can do the wrong, like the wrong shit for a long time and accomplish a ton of stuff.

And surrounding yourself with people who are better at shit than you are, right? Whatever that may be. So, no, I mean, I appreciate, I appreciate you and your wife for making this a possibility in your team. Yeah, do. And a lot of people on the chats are asking where they can watch this. And I believe it's going to be on your YouTube, yeah? Yeah, sure. So there's like a Vod for it on YouTube and Twitch.

I don't know if TikTok hosts Vods or not, but I mean, if they do, they can find it on your channel too, right? I don't think that I have them set up that way now. So, I mean, if you guys, like, so we do interviews, we do a lot of interviews. We do other kinds of content where we like, explain these kinds of concepts, right? So, like, I think a couple of things that, if you all are interested in this stuff, definitely check out the video on Alexithymia. So I think, like, like I said, I've worked with so many men, myself included, number one person.

Number one man. We have, yeah, the number one man. Come here for the alpha number one man program. Just the red pill pipeline. Yeah, like, number one man. So, so, and I think, Scotty, it's like, you have such a, like, I'm fascinated by your story, man. So I think if you, if people are, like, interested in some of these concepts, like, definitely check out the Alexithymia one. Because that one was, like, quite transformative for, like, many men.

When I get approached in the street, like, that's the video that people talk about a lot. Because, like, we just aren't taught how to understand our emotions. We're so external problem solvers that we, like, when we feel emotional, we have to do something to fix it. and then we become a slave paradoxically we become a slave to our emotions right right because if someone can then trigger guilt in us they can control our behavior yeah so I mean not ignoring the emotions

based on action but actually processing and sorting them so yeah or just tolerating them until they equilibrate which I know is hard there's a whole different ball game but yeah thank you so much and so Scotty K Fitness right TikTok is your primary platform

yeah yeah TikTok's primary Instagram's right behind that. We're on YouTube, but check that out. And then we're still doing a bunch of stuff for charity. Awesome. So we're going down to DreamHack, Dallas, right after I hang up.

And then we'll be down there until Sunday. We're doing two charities for St. Jude. One in July, one in September. Very excited about that. We're also on Twitch, Scott A.K. Fitness. And then next year in February, we're going to be doing another thing for the American Heart Association. Awesome. It's going to be really great, very excited, trying to get a lot of people involved.

Like John Sina, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, all the wholesome corners of the Internet. But no, it's been incredible being a part of the community here. And then being able to chat with you has been really neat. Yeah, awesome. And thank you so much for sharing your story. And good luck to you, man. Yeah, I appreciate it. We'll talk soon.

Yeah, take care, buddy. Bye. Okay. So interesting. So I think we've got... We can hear your breathing. Oh, my God. Alan could hear my breathing.

You're damn right, dude. Yeah, so interesting. Like, it's so interesting how we get trapped by what works. Not by what doesn't. Right? So like the adaptations that we develop in life that allow us to survive is what gets reinforced. And then that becomes the way that we live our life. So I think he's a great example of like clearly an exceptional individual, but don't say that to his face.

We'll say that after he dies. Right? And like he's, I mean, really just crazy. like what kind of upbringing? Like, I've heard some bad shit in my day. I got to say, Scotty Kay is kind of at the top of the list for that. Like,

not that there's like a trauma comparison competition, but, dude, coming back from summer camp and having your family, like, literally abandoned you, just like peace out.

And then that was the last time he saw his mom. Like, that's fucking wild, dude. And so if we want to understand, too, like, that's why it's so hard to crack

his paradigm, right? Because it's like it was built up and hardened. He's like, he's like, what comes out of a crucible? And it's been hardened so much from such a young age that it becomes really hard to see things in a different light. But I think he's asking all the right questions. And I also think that the way that he answers, right, I think he's ready for some of this stuff now, especially some of the way that he answers the things about meditation where he's like, you know, he's like, I think he taps into this concept of experience pretty well. So thank you all very much for coming today. Huge shout out to Scotty Kay and everybody else who's supported us,

been showed up here. And we will see y'all tomorrow for apparently I'm going to debunk bad relationship advice. But I suspect maybe it's not as bad as people think it is. Anyway, y'all take care. Thanks for coming. Thanks for joining us today. We're here to help you understand your mind and live a better life. If you enjoy the conversation, be sure to subscribe.

Until next time, take care of yourselves and each other. This episode is brought to you by CarMax. Want to buy a car the easy way? Start at CarMax. Want to browse with confidence? Get pre-qualified with no impact on your credit score and shop within your budget. From luxury to family rides, CarMax has options for almost every price range.

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