HealthyGamerGG - Dealing with Drama | What It’s Really Like to be a Creator Part 5

Episode Date: October 3, 2022

Dr. K talks to the group about dealing with drama, living in your own head, dealing with negativity and more! Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If he was still level one, he would have said, yes, but, and then he would have given us some reasoning. But he went forward because he said, yes, but society tells me not to feel that way. Which is like, you all see the difference there? Sorry for the delay today. I ran into some technical difficulties with stream labs. But aren't they fun? You know what the most bizarre thing is? Is that despite the fact that, like, we do this so many times, like a week, things just break.

Like, I don't understand it at all. It's like when I load up a video game, it generally speaking works the same every single time, right? When I load up my email, it works the same every single time. But when it comes to the streaming stuff, it's like, oh, this token is expired and this has happened and this has happened and this has happened. It's like, thank you for letting me know. They should be able to hear the group through audio now. Okay. I'm speaking words so maybe people can hopefully hear us.

They don't get to hear you. Only I get to hear you. I think it's fixed. Okay, so. My least favorite thing in streaming to have to deal with issues. I know. Yeah. Anyways.

So I wanted to offer a couple of thoughts today. So we've got a couple of choices. So one is I think we've got a couple people that aren't able to make it. I don't think Ash or Kathy, I think, is able to make it today. Maybe Kathy will be in later. I know Ash for sure can't make it. But so I had a couple of questions for y'all. one is that I understand that there's been a lot of specifically Twitch-related drama recently.

And so I thought this could be an opportunity, first of all, because we're missing a couple people, that, you know, we've got homework and stuff. So we can kind of dive into what we were talking about, share a little bit about who we discovered, about who we are, things like that. We can also kind of go maybe potentially a little bit deeper with like one or two people today because there aren't as many people. people here so we can kind of use that as an opportunity. The other thing that we can do is sort of table our standard work and talk a little bit about not to comment on the drama, unless you all really feel impelled to. But I think like we could use this kind of as an educational opportunity to talk a little bit about what it's like to be a streamer, what it's like to get caught up in drama, you know, and just sort of talk almost from like a, you know, from a content

creator perspective on a meta level about like what is it like why is this hard why does this happen like try to understand the phenomenon um there are also some interesting learnings from science right about how people behave online and things like that so we can sort of learn a little bit about users and commenters and and things like that towards the end so i'm going to kind of leave it up to the group we can you know do check-ins and then sort of pick something how do people feel I'm ambivalent. You know, like I'm down for whatever. I did my homework, so I'm prepared to do that if we need to.

And then if we want to talk about like our perspective on things that have happened, like, sure. I'm down for that as well. Like, I think it's, yeah, it's kind of interesting, I think, to talk about. But that said, like, you know, I'm, I don't care what we talk about. I'm also kind of middle ground, like, same thing as all. for me at least. Okay. And yeah, I'm kind of the same.

I was just saying I haven't paid attention to any of it. So I'm like, I've kind of, yeah. So neither have I, Ruby. And I wasn't suggesting that we like offer our opinions on what's happening. I was more saying like we should, we could use this as an opportunity to talk about in general drama and what it's like as a content creator. I don't think we should be. I mean, if you all want to, I guess.

that's okay, but I'm not interested in sort of saying, oh, this person said this and I think this is a good idea and I think this is, that's not, it's more like as content creators, we sometimes get wrapped up in drama and like, how do you experience that? How do you deal with that? What, what, what's it's what, what is it like? Um, and are there any learnings about, you know, how we can manage that stuff in a healthy way? But it, you know, I'm not suggesting. I don't know. I, I, yeah, no, I got it. I'd be interested because, uh, I don't know if, because we have people missing from the group. And so we don't have a way of gauging whether or not they've done their homework,

if they want to eventually circle back around and share the homework that they did. But then depending on how this session goes, there could be more homework. So I don't know if we wanted to go ahead and like, I don't know, talk about navigating that as a creator. Or if we did want to go ahead and like still, you know, the three of us share our homework at least. and then I don't know if we dive into that conversation, then I don't know if things end up needing to pivot somewhere, we could always go to that conversation too. Cool.

Yeah. It's, yeah, it sounds like an interesting thing for me because I have a whole, I guess I have my whole own mindset about drama and stuff. So I think if we go the home, work route and continue our current topic, I think that's actually totally fine. If people did do it or didn't do it, we can absolutely loop them in. And one of the consequences of group work is that people will miss stuff. It's actually really interesting because when people miss stuff,

what we actually see is that that is really good in a weird way for the people who didn't miss stuff, because then what happens is it reinforces whatever we're going to learn today when y'all sort of step in essentially my shoes and run the show for the people who are coming in later, if that kind of makes sense, right? So it's really bizarre, but what we actually find is that when there are some people who are here and some people who are catching up, as long as y'all do the catching them up, that leads to positive outcomes for you. So if y'all want to do that, I'm not hearing a whole lot of enthusiasm about talking about drama or dealing with that. so yeah i'm indifferent about it so yeah i'll talk but like yeah go ahead ruby no yeah i'm the same i'm

like indifferent about it um i guess i feel like i don't have much to talk about it but then i guess will the conversation might grow something really interesting as well like sure you never know I've had my fair share of dron. So like, I'd be interested. But at the same time, like, you know, I defer it to the group. I, like, my perspective on this is like, I don't know what is either most educational for people or most helpful for people. So like, it's hard for me to offer a direct opinion, I guess. Yeah.

Okay, Zell, so I'm going to reframe the question. What is the most, who are we here for? Yeah. So I'm going to ask you all what's going to help you. Yeah. It sounds like just talking about the homework might be more helpful considering Okay, let's do it. Things are with, yeah.

So very important lesson to learn as content creators. Sometimes shit happens. And it's easy to get distracted by it. Sometimes the best thing to do is ignore it and focus on what you're already working on, continue to like focus on your own growth as a person. and if it needs to be addressed, we can address it. But I think this is actually a really valuable lesson. Okay, so let's check in and share the homework.

Do you all need a quick summary of what the homework was? No. Nope, I've got it. Okay. We got it. Okay, so let's share for people who don't remember who are like listening. So what was the homework? Sure.

So we were asked to write a page to the prompt, essentially, how do you feel about yourself? And like, it doesn't just stop there, though, because as we did this, you know, exercises we wrote about how we felt about ourselves, you know, it's important to recognize that sometimes we'll have thoughts while we're writing stuff down about, like, maybe what we don't want to write down. So it was important for us to also, while answering this question on a second page, writing out these thoughts that come up as we answer the question.

Right. That's kind of weird and meta. But sometimes when we're writing about ourselves or journaling, we will have judgmental thoughts. And if we really want to understand how our mind works, a lot of what causes us difficulty are the reflexive judgmental thoughts that we have in response to ourselves. And to capture those thoughts because it's like, oh, like, you know, I got a B plus. Why didn't you get an A? Right? And where is that? That's that negative self-talk. And we'll see how much of it is a negative or not. But great. And just to give a little bit more context, this was kind of in the context of as content creators, you all have to make decisions. Sometimes it's hard to make decisions. So some of you all have shared a little bit about things like

work, work balance, like how much do I become a streamer versus like focus on my job? And in terms of navigating life, we need a good internal compass. In the absence of a good internal compass, we tend to be guided by analytics, metrics, and other kinds of like other crap that can be useful. But once we start really living our life for the sake of the numbers, it leads to a lot of suffering. So a big part of figuring out, okay, what's the right answer for me involves figuring out who am I? And so that's why hopefully this is going to be an important step to figuring out,

okay, how do I become a successful content creator? How do I have a fulfilling life as a content creator? We got to start with who is the me, who is the I in that. Okay? So who's going to check in and share? So let's check in a little bit about how you're doing. And then, you know, takeaways from the homework or what your experience was like in doing it. Yeah. So I've actually had half of this week off, which is unlike me. But I decided to book a last minute tattoo appointment and got tattooed for 12 hours to cover up an old tattoo that was kind of carrying around some weight on me. And yeah, started a new journey with that.

I feel excited. Exhausted and ouchy. But I'm really excited. You don't realize somehow, sometimes, like, it's going to sound really weird, but I said to my friend, like, I had a little cry when I booked the appointment because you don't realize how much you're kind of carrying around attached to something, you know, whether it's an object or a tattoo or, you know. So, yeah, I've done that. Been pretty tired. Not felt too stressed about taking that time away from stream. Though I am streaming extra to make up for it.

But I think that's something like I always feel like if you're going to treat streaming like a job and it is your job and you have respect for the people that watch you and the people that support you and you, I don't know, I try and treat it like that because part of me feels like if I didn't then I'm just going to get slacker and slacker and like let myself off. But also, yeah, I didn't stream for four days in a row, which for me is crazy. But yeah, generally I'm all right. And from the homework, I learned that's like me and Zell were kind of having a little mini conversation before we came in that we, I wrote my page about how I feel about myself. Then I wrote what, like, the thoughts that came in. And then it's almost like you can make another page. It's like, and you can keep on going.

Like, for an example, like, one of the just the really random ones, which kept going further was, um, I feel I have a lot more to give. And then I wrote, but why am I always giving? And then I wrote, but then this feels selfish. And then I was like, kind of going on this whole like, conversation with myself. So yeah, I found it very interesting. I found the first page really hard to write.

it almost felt like when someone says can you write a bio about yourself in third person um it it felt really like hard uh for a minute i had to take away any distracting sounds or anything like away from me to try and focus in on me and how i feel about myself i spend a lot of my alone time um detaching from self in a way with meditation and stuff so um i know a lot of like stuff is about like honoring your feelings as well but i found it yeah quite hard and um i actually wrote on like my second page i used to be able to say how i felt about myself when i was in a bad place i used to be able to say I'm lazy, I'm ugly, I'm a terrible person, like I used to say some really horrible things about myself. But now I'm in a better place with my mental health.

I find, I can't just say, hey, I'm great. Like, I'm a brilliant person. I'm fantastic. I'm, it's, it's almost, yeah, I found the exercise really interesting for that black and white kind of mindset of when I was very depressed and struggling, I would, yeah, I'd say really horrible things about myself, which I dare not say now. And if I do find myself feeling it, I know the attachment and everything that comes with that and the spiral that can come with that one thought and can talk myself back out a bit but I still don't sit there and say no but you're great you're the best so yeah it was a really um that's almost like that toxic positivity that we were talking about as well so yeah I found it really hard because I don't have that black and white perspective on myself like I used to so

yeah that's how I got on awesome thank you for sharing I everything Ruby said. I was like, yep, that's me too. I know, right? I feel it. My brain is a thousand percent filled with like absolute copium juice where like I say something. And then the next part of my brain goes, but did you mean that? And then the third part of my brain goes, well, did you mean? And like it folds on itself like infinitely. And then I just drop into a loop of like, what am I even trying to say anymore? What do I feel about myself? I find myself like going back to my initial statement and being like, that's not true, I think. And, um, like, I don't know if it's that way for you, Ruby, too, or for you Smirky. But like, when I start to rabbit hole myself down

these like reflexive thoughts about myself, I completely lose where I'm at. And then I start being like, well, I don't know how to feel about it anymore. So like, for example, for my homework, uh, when I wrote, so my first sentence I wrote about myself was, I feel okay about myself. And then my immediate reflexive thought was, well, actually, it's more that like society tells me that I'm okay, you know, like I like financially, I guess I'm okay. Um, I have a degree. I've had some jobs. You know, society tells me, oh, you're okay. But then I thought about it, thought that about, uh, you know, a little more. And then I'm like, well, I'm actually kind of frustrated with myself a lot. lot. So even though maybe sometimes people, you know, say we're okay about ourselves and like maybe

other things like around us environmentally tells us that, you know, we should feel okay about ourselves. Like the truth comes back to it where I'm like, actually, I'm actually pretty frustrated with things as is. And like, um, and I mean, this is partially like as part of my check in here, like, you know, I'm going through a lot at the moment. Uh, so my thoughts are on overdrive this week of all this craziness that happened on Twitch definitely did not help. Like I, there was a couple of times, like, normally I'm, I'm a doom scroller. I, you know, late at night, I'm like, Twitter, you know, whatever. And I go through.

And like, this time around, I was like, I've had enough of this just through my phone. I was like, I'm going to sleep. Put on my eye mask. Here we go. Like, I just, I can't, I can't deal with. And it was like, it wasn't just like Twitch. It was like, like all the different circles that I'm part of online. like everything is on fire all everywhere and so like there's this moment where it just like I look at my phone

and it's just like you know the the community meme where you like come in with pizza and everything's on fire like it was like that on my phone and I'm just like yeah I'm not dealing with that no see ya um so yeah like so in that head space just to kind of define how I was going about this like um to kind of refocus it back to the homework again. Like, I am just generally frustrated at myself, I think, because I feel like, um, you know, I don't think I've met my potential. Uh, I've done a lot of things that I'm proud of in my past, but I don't think they are necessarily all from me. Uh, and it's not like something that I can own. And my reflexive thought is that maybe I, myself have misjudged my own potential and these things that I feel like I should do, you know, I'm held back by certain things

and like, you know, whether it's like commitment or just like, you know, I stop grinding things because it like stops being fun for me or whatever. But for whatever reason, it feels like I, I see the potential that I think that I have and I feel like I can make that step. But sometimes I just, I don't know, lose interest or whatever. And then, yeah, I guess, like, I'll just go down my notes here. I'm somebody who lives in my own head a lot. I'm lost in my own thoughts a lot. As we kind of talked about with like having these thoughts that kind of cascade into other thoughts, I just, I get rolled into like a like a tsunami of thoughts that just keep rolling across itself and I it makes me I don't know it like it's like sometimes I just feel crazy

going through all these thoughts and then um and as a result of it I'm fearful about my own self-awareness as a as a result because I think I am pretty self-aware and when I talk inside my head about these situations I feel like I'm taking account my my own self-awareness about these you know, either social situations or like I said, my potential. And then I'm so deep in my own thoughts. I'm like, wait, wait, wait. But like, am I actually self-aware? Do I actually know what I'm talking about when it comes to this stuff? And so that just starts to get all crazy. So in the end, then my next thing I wrote was like, I just feel weirder than the average person. The older I get, the more people I talk to about like my own situation, the way I think. I find that like I, I, like, I grew up

thinking like I'm just a normal kid, you know, like I, you know, I had some unusual circumstances growing up that are not common, but then I keep talking to people and being like, oh, you, that wasn't normal. Oh, okay. Um, hmm. And then I, you know, again, just year after year, I talk to more people about these things and I open up and talk about. Like, oh, that is also not, okay, Jesus. And then, like, you know, now I'm, you know, 30, 31 and I'm realizing like, oh, I am like so not normal. Whatever normal means, that's my reflexive thought was like, you know, who knows what the heck normal even means because like we're all different. But like, I feel like exceptionally weird. And I wonder if that like makes me like, like maybe that's why it caused some things in

my past that I didn't realize like because I was not normal. you know so I don't know like it again it cascades into this thing where like I think about all my previous you know circumstances and I think back like the way I handle that maybe it would have been different if I had been less weird or whatever so and then the last thing I wrote was just kind of talking about um I feel like I have a general uh or I guess I feel like I have a weak sense of self and uh I feel like I do things because I can and not because of like a sense of like Dharma for example. It just in like again I talked about this in previous weeks and stuff and it's like I again feel like I have this potential within myself. But I find that I just do things because people tell me to do it not because I want to do it.

And then and so in the end so my reflexive thought from that was that like I in general I think I just feel kind of empty. and like some things are just quote unquote easier but I can't tell if it's just because I'm lazy or something or it's because that I actually do have some kind of natural affinity towards that thing like I can't tell the difference and because everything that I've done feels like there's always some level of suffering that was needed in order to achieve that thing and so like I don't know what my affinities are it just kind of feels like if I put my head to it I can do it and so like basically yeah, I just feel like I'm at this point in my life where I don't know what I want anymore and like I don't know who I am in some ways because like, you know, like again, speaking on like Dharma, like this idea that people find their calling or whatever, like I have no idea if streaming is by calling. And like, in fact, a lot of the stuff that happened this week makes me go, maybe I'm just not cut out to be, like, is that like a possibility that maybe I'm just not a content creator in my, in, like, in my affinities. And like, um, and so yeah, like, again, the deeper I look into myself, the, like, everything kind of comes full circle and I start to question everything.

And then I just get lost. And then, yeah. So that was my experience writing about myself. And, uh, I know that was a lot, but yeah. So I'm going to kind of ask sort of like a read my mind question. Okay. It's not to you, Zell. It's actually the smirky and Ruby.

This is going to sound kind of weird. It's sort of like a leaning question, too. So I at least am surprised to hear Zell say what he said. And the reason I'm surprised is because I've heard Zell say a lot of stuff. But I almost feel like the direction of what he is saying has changed. Does that resonate with anyone? Like, are you all kind of getting what I'm saying or not so much? Like, are you all like, okay, yeah, like, of course Zell would say that.

Like, of course. I think I know what you're saying that I don't know how to explain it. And you, like, Zell almost seems, it's like more open. And when I first met, like, Zell, everything seemed like you had a determination to to get to something. And now it kind of feels like that whole thing was, yeah, I could do that, but is that what I should be doing?

Smurkey, does that resonate with you at all? Yeah, it's like, I don't know, it's, I don't know, it seems very, like, descriptive and detailed, and there's all these different possibilities, and now it's kind of like you're just, like, I don't know, thinking of, like, all these different, like, doors. that you could open. It's like not this one concrete way,

but it's like a whole array of possibilities. I was going to say, I feel like Zell could say they're going backpacking for a year, like next week and they're going to go like, beautiful, right? So like, I don't know if you all, so here's the thing. Zell is like completely different from where he was in week one.

I don't even know if we realize it. Is that like Zell is like, I don't even know who I am anymore. Zelle from week one didn't give a shit about, who he was. It's completely for him. Why do we care? His Zell's parents ever care. I mean, this is a little bit unfair, right? Characterization. But like, that wasn't important. He shared that with us, right? What's important? You get a degree. You get a job. You get paid. You had all these opportunities, and Zell was beating himself up for throwing them away.

Had this podcast at Riot, was one of the founding members of OTV. success, success, success. Outcomes, outcomes. And now he doesn't have outcomes anymore. And he's like, how do I get back there? I regret, I don't know if you all remember, but I regret giving up those opportunities. Because who, like, what do, it wasn't who am I?

It used to be, I almost mixed it up. It used to be, what do I have anymore? I don't have anything anymore. How do I get back to having stuff? Does that make sense? That was the old. Zell. Zell was like, I don't know how this is helping me.

I thought y'all were going to teach me. Now I'm being hyperbolic, okay? He's like, what do we do with this? Like, help me get back. Isn't that what we're here for? And now Zell in a better place? Like, sort of. He's like, I don't even know what I want anymore.

I'm going backpacking for a year. Because Ruby, I think you captured it beautifully. Zell's going to come into three weeks and then like people are like what the hell happened to this guy and Zell's like I don't even know if I want to be a content creator anymore and in week one he's like

how do I get back on top and this is how we live our lives so I want to share something with you all hopefully this will work can you all see this? Let's see I do see it so this is something

I saw this So like this is what I was not expecting from y'all, but I think it's beautiful. That as you notice the way your mind works, it's a beautiful little illustration, right? You guys just described it. You have a thought and then that thought gets other thoughts. The thoughts grow and grow and grow and squeeze you and then it's g-g-gee. And I want y'all to think for a second about this is the instrument that you, this is your baseline. This is how you go through life with like these thoughts and,

And it's like how, why would, of course, Zell is going to be suffering and confused and directionless when this is his baseline. Like, think, think about how insane is. You guys sat down for what, 15 minutes, 20 minutes, half an hour, maybe an hour. You did an exercise. And it's like, what is this mess that comes out of your mind? Is it working? Absolutely. Because now Zell is not concerned about how do I get to the top.

The irony is that we'll help him get to the top. but it may be a completely different mountain from what he was originally trying to climb. And so when we're like, how do I find, Zell's like, I don't understand how to find Dharma. This is how you find Darm. You start by getting rid of all the crap that even Azelle is saying. He was like, I realized that all of the things that I strive for are things that I'm either good at or people told me I could succeed in. And success is better than failure, right? so I might as well do it.

And then he's confused why he gives up. Why do you all think he gives up? Why do you think he abandons it? Why don't you think he makes it stays at the top? Smirky, Ruby? He's doing what other people have said that he's good at, not what he feels he's good at.

And this is the pattern. Yep. So this is a very common pattern. When you've got an amazing human being, who is told what to do in life. They rise to the top and it falls apart. They give up. They don't have the stamina, the staying power.

They try other things because it's not fulfilling. But because they've got such a good work ethic, the child of Korean immigrants. He knows how to hustle. He knows how to grind. He doesn't know which direction to go. So he's kind of. like a little toy that spins around, and then it stops, and then it starts grinding and grinding and

grinding and grinding and until it falls over. It's the story of Zell's life. I feel like a lot of this is resonating with me too, and I haven't even gone into the homework or checking in or anything just yet. Shocking. It's almost as if we can learn from each other. So please, Smirky. Beautiful time, because I was about to segue to you anyway. Oh, okay, perfect. Yeah, we, We can learn from each other. What a wild, crazy concept. Yeah, no. So, I mean, yeah, because Zell, like, a lot of the things he said, I'm just like, yep,

checks, checks this box, checks that box. Like, oh, my gosh, I have, like, all these things. Like, I'm, you know, I also, like, ever since I, like, graduated school and, you know, got my degree and did that. I kind of wrote down at one point, like, how it kind of felt like I'd, like, crossed the finish line and then I just, like, collapse at the finish line, like, oh, my gosh, I'm so tired. Like, you can't shake off this tired feeling. And to this day, after several months, I still can't shake off this feeling of, you know,

being exhausted and tired and just from, like, a general perspective. So even though I'm also, like, feeling proud of what I've done, proud of the journey that I took to get to this point, it's also like, instead of just like climbing back down the mountain, it's just like you make it to the top and then you keep walking and you just fall all the way down. It's like that game that they have on like Price's Right or whatever where it's like you make it to the top, but if you keep walking, you just completely fall off. So I can feel that in, you know, some of my stuff, especially because my journey was kind of with school, it was kind of messed up with the pandemic and that kind of got into a whole,

thing for me. But long story short, I was writing all this out. Some of the revelations I would have was like, or some of the other things I would write on page two is like, oh, does what I'm saying even make sense? And then I realize, oh, I mean, I'm essentially like journaling. Like, it doesn't, it doesn't have to necessarily make sense, you know, there's, and I'm someone who's so like detail oriented and follow everything by the rules, follow what society tells you to do to make you feel okay, right? And I'm just, you know, abiding by that. But, you know, it's kind of and things have to have to have structure all this, but I just kind of have to eventually learn to let that go and just like whatever thoughts are in my mind, just like getting it out. So I think, you know, this,

because I wrote down like, oh, I should find the time to like journal more. Like, this is really cool. Like, I'm learning so much. So how I feel about myself, some more things I wrote. I kind of wrote down, it's easy to feel like a failure and beat myself up over like not being as consistent with, you know, either content or just like life stuff. Because the idea of like, oh, you have to follow with society, tells you,

okay, you got your degree. Now go, I don't know, get a job. Like, do, you know, do what's pretty much expected of you. And me kind of defying against that as someone who has always been by the book feels a little, I guess, like, intimidating in a sense. Not that I'm, like, incapable of, like, doing it, but diving more into creation for the time being is just a little daunting in that sense. and then I wrote it feels like I have no sense of direction for my future and I'm just kind of lost like don't know where I would go but I guess if I were to like backpack for a year I just go wherever is in front of me or something like that and but it's a little difficult when you know to even pack the bag or to get those tasks rolling whenever I'm currently in a state where I just feel so tired. I've collapsed and I just haven't gotten back up. Or if I try to put the effort to get back up, I just end up falling back down. And it's been that way for a long time.

And it feels a little frustrating in that sense that like I, you know, because I internalize things where it's like, I know that this is something I can do. This idea that I have I can put into action. Like it's a really cool thing. Maybe I should consider doing it. And then it's the actual action, putting it into motion, you know, getting some kind of tangible action in there. I fail pretty hard at actually executing said action. And like, for example, with the whole like stuff that's happened this week in the content creation realm and on social media, it's like I have thoughts. Now, I don't necessarily have to share said thoughts.

I don't have to add commentary into said thing. Um, but I also like limit myself enough to the point where, you know, I feel like I have like good insightful things to share on said thing. But then, you know, I'm just sitting idly by and letting others like have the megaphone, have the, the platform to like share their voice. And even though I recognize that my voice is just as valuable as the next person's, it's also like, wow, like I'm just like pulling myself back because I feel too tired. I feel too, you know, whatever is in my head telling me that I'm like tired or whatever mental thing I'm going through.

And then at the same time, I also, that causes me to like over contemplate. I'm very much a contemplator and like the gears are always turning in my head. So feeling the need to like analyze every detail. and then that becomes tiring when you overanalyze and over-contemplate. So it's kind of like a cycle essentially. And then like right after that I wrote suddenly like, I love myself for who I am uniquely me. Like, you know, there's nothing like truly wrong with me and who I am.

And I don't know. I, you know, I'm, it wasn't like the purpose. of it wasn't to like counteract like the negativity with the positivity or anything. It was just the next thing that came into my head. But I did like have a moment where I was like, am I trying to like be positively toxic or toxic positivity or whatever. Am I trying to like counteract it or anything? But no, I was not trying to like change the conversation purposely, but it's just a thought and I wrote it down and, you know, it's okay to have like flaws. It's, you know, but then I wrote, but how long is it okay for me to be like okay with not being okay to be

content with being tired for so long? Like I'm like how long is it okay for me to to feel that way? And then I wrote, I feel like a puzzle that's complex with like a million pieces. And like I can, it doesn't have to necessarily be solved, but I can put in the effort to like move pieces around every now and then here and there whenever I like have the energy to do so. But it doesn't necessarily have to be solved by the end of it. And I'm content with that idea. And then I ended with I feel like I should journal more. So that's that's kind of what I got out of it, I guess. Okay.

So I'm going to go ahead and comment for a moment and then try to give direction if that's okay. So what I heard from Smurkey, a couple things that I want to point out. So the first is that I don't know if you all have realized this, but Smirky said this thought came up, right? So the, I'm okay. I'm fine just the way I am, whatever. what percentage into the exercise did you uncover that? Like how far in were you? Did it have in the beginning, middle, towards the end?

Like between the middle and the end. So let's just say 75% of the way through. So that's awesome. Right? So this is why we write it out. Because as you'll notice, the first half is going to be all the crap in your mind. And then, like, this is like how the mind works. I love that you guys discovered this.

because I wasn't planning on teaching it, but maybe we will. Like, we don't know how our mind functions. We almost never watch it. And when you watch it, you're like, holy crap, I have a thought, I have a reaction. I have a reaction to the reaction. I have a reaction to the reaction. I have a reaction of the reaction. It overwhelms us.

And then we're like, and then we don't do anything. And it's like, we're going through the game of life with the controller unplugged. It's all these random inputs. Right? And then it's like we don't it's like Twitch plays Pokemon brilliant by the way. Absolutely. And that's what our mind is like. 10,000 neurons firing in response to each other.

Right. And then once we let it all out, something pretty cool floats to the surface. Hey, you're okay. And then what happens? It starts up again. But how long are you okay? You get. one bright point.

And the mind is like, oh, shit. We can't have that. Let's react to it. It's like that lights a little too, right? Let's adjust that real quick. Now, another thing, I want to congratulate y'all for leveling up. You have leveled up. We've spent so much time talking about toxic positivity, noticing toxic positivity.

If we had done this exercise one week ago or two weeks ago, And that thought popped up. It could have been toxic positivity. Smirky wouldn't have known the difference. He's confident. No, this is me. This is not a reaction. This is an original thought.

How the hell does he know? I have no idea, but he knows. And he's right. Do you all see that? So you can't notice toxic positivity. Or you can't recognize it. You can't stop it. You can't differentiate between what's authentic positivity and toxic positivity,

unless we literally like catch it in the act. which we've been doing now for two weeks. So congratulations for leveling up. If we want to make some interesting hypotheses, Zell doesn't know what he wants. So how has he lived his life? He has lived his life based on almost a version of toxic positivity. Because people have been,

Hey, Zell, I know that you don't know what you want to do, but you're so great, you should do this. Right? You're so good at it. And Wenzel was like, I don't really know what I want. People are like, that's silly. You're doing awesome. And Wenzel is like, I don't even know if I misjudged my potential.

Maybe my potential was wrong. What did y'all say? It's kind of a trick question. What did you say? Ruby, Smurkey? He may have misjudged his potential. I'm going to be honest. You're going to have to repeat yourself.

There's a puppy that just like scurried over here and is under my feet and it caused a distraction. Totally fine. And I was having a whole other thought process. Okay, totally fine. That's why we have multiple people in group. So Zelle at one point made a dangerous statement. He said, what if I misjudged my potential? I don't know if y'all caught that, but he was like,

what if my potential really wasn't high? And what did y'all say? I can't remember what we said at the time. It's because you didn't say anything. two weeks ago, if Zell said, what if I misjudge my potential? What would we have said?

No, you're fine. Yeah, no. You can accomplish so much, Zell. And then Zell is like, yeah, I have the potential. I was wrong. Let me bury that thought or feeling and go accomplish something. That's what he's been doing in his whole life

because his parents have been telling him, Zell, you have potential, you can do it. Other people have been telling him, you're so talented, Zell, you can do it. Zazel is like they say I can do it. I guess that means I should do it. And then he starts doing it. And like Smurkey said, he climbs up the mountain and falls over.

Yeah. And then the cycle continues. Absolutely. Because then he's like, oh, what if I was wrong? Because when you fall to the bottom, what do you say to yourself? Maybe I didn't deserve to be at the top. And then what does everybody else say? Oh no, you're fine. You should have, yeah, you deserved it. You just need to get back up again.

Like, it'll just keep doing the same thing. Yeah. Keep going. Good grades. Fancy degree. OTV, riot games. That's how you get that picture. So now I'm going to ask you all. So if it's okay with you, I'd like to ask you all for some permission today. I think what we're going to do is tunnel into Zelle for a little bit. and what we're going to do is because there is so much similarity between all three of you, we're going to use a very interesting principle that is true of group work, which is that when you, you can't see your own biases, but you can see your biases in someone else a lot easier. And so we're going to tunnel into Zelle a little bit, and Smurkey and Ruby, y'all are going to be doing a lot of learning here,

and then you're going to learn about your side. I'm ready. Huh? And then I'm ready. I'm also going to model some communication skills. So I'm going to drive for about 15 minutes, if that's okay with y'all. Okay? If you feel like you've got a question, you pick up what I'm doing.

I'm going to lay out what I'm going to do. But if you guys pick up what I'm doing, you're free to jump in before 15 minutes. But at the 15 minute mark, I'm going to turn it over to you in a very, like, awkward kind of intentional way. Yes, Ruby. Can I jump in before we start? and tell you what I was zoning out about. I was rereading, I was rereading how I feel about myself

when I realized in every single, every single little paragraph I've written, there is the word others. Like, I've realized that I feel about myself based on what I believe others would want. Like, giving others too much, time but not giving myself that much time. And so I kind of, yeah, it relates as well a bit to, like, that's why I was zoning out.

I was connecting the dots with what Zell was saying and then what I've written down. And yeah. It's a whole thing because like content creators do have to focus on like their community. Therefore, others. And oftentimes we can lose sight of what we need most for ourselves in that process. Yeah, that was like my second page was, yeah. So why am I helping others more than myself? Like, then it was like a whole, is this selfish thing?

And I just realized I'd written others about, it sounds like a horror movie, the others. Oh, it is. I've written it about five times on my page. Like, I hide how I feel from others. Just, you know, because it's easier to hide how I feel and let them be happy. And but this is meant to be a page about how I feel. So why did I write that? Like, I'm doing it again.

So I'm going to ask, thank you so much for sharing Ruby. This is how we change. No, literally, I love it. This is like literally people are always wondering, how do you change? This is how you change. So now I'm going to ask Smirky and Zell. Difficult question, okay? Since you all leveled up recently, we're going to see.

It's hard. What do you imagine Ruby is feeling as she connects those dots? it's i mean i oh i'll i guess i'll because it was like a mix of like externally like you're laughing like oh how silly of me to like you know write about you know others but then it's like this whole revelation um and i i i don't know if i'm maybe incorrectly detecting detecting a mixture of like um like wow this is like really exciting to like like discover and I feel absolutely like stupid for like writing you know going so far off track that like it's not even about how I feel anymore and maybe I should so I don't know maybe there's like a

mixture of that in there. Sal what do you think? I was thinking kind of similar in that like it kind of mixed like maybe like almost like bittersweet a little bit where like it's awesome that you've realized but also there's a bit of sadness there when you realize like you thought you had this idea of yourself that is now being kind of challenged. And so you're probably, you know, yeah, I could imagine being like anytime there's a self revelation like that, I think there's always a little bit of sadness because you're like, oh, wow, I wasn't as in control of myself as I thought I was. and that's like simultaneously like scary also because like you're like holy cow that's I didn't even realize it until now and like it kind of changes your worldview so yeah I could see it being scary exciting but also sad like just a bunch of mixtures of things ruby yeah I kind of had a moment I think a bit like you tell the minute ago of like I know who I am but when

When someone asks me to write how I feel, I don't know how I feel. Like, there's two differences. I know who I am, and I know what means, like, what I want to do with my life and what means, like, makes me happy. But also, yeah, like, I don't know how I feel. Like, that's, like, they're same and different. I don't know if you get that, like, I know what I'm into or what I'm interested in and what I want to grow,

what I want to nourish and who I am. But, yeah, I don't know what I feel sometimes, I guess. So one thing that I'd leave you all to kind of think about is that Ruby has known who she is. And I think that is also, in it generally speaking, relatively recent based on what we've heard from her. We agreed there, right? Like she's been on this good path of self-discovery for a little while. And what I'm hearing from her is that she's discovered this beautiful person. person. But that's not the person who she's been living for, right? And that's what's sad,

is that on the one hand, she is this beautiful person. But that's not who comes first for her. And I think it ties back to what Smirky was saying also about being a content creator, like we're naturally, we start to live for other people. Yeah, my last sentence is I'm scared of changing content on stream I'm not scared of changing my life I'm scared of changing my content which is really bizarre but like Right and by the way

I've been there Did we what was by the way I want to say maybe East Murkiesel Y'all can help me with this she's scared of changing her content right Because it probably is going to do poorly if she changes And I remember something Didn't she say something about making an Instagram short or something or a real? I totally wait for it to come crashing down.

Nope, Ruby, no talking. It's for Zell and Smurkey. Didn't she say something about not caring about what content she makes or something and doing something from the heart? And what happened to that content that she made? It did really well. Huh. Huh.

Weird. But isn't that what she should be afraid of? Because if she doesn't calculate, huh, interesting. So we'll play around with that. We'll come back to it. Thank you so much for sharing Ruby. Anyone else have kind of thoughts about this topic before we kind of shift back to Zelle? Okay.

No thoughts. Head empty. All righty. Words to live by. So I'm going to lay out a couple of techniques that we're going to use on Zell, okay? So first, we've learned a couple of these before. So when Zell makes an ambiguous statement, okay, when he makes an ambiguous statement,

we're going to ask him a question about it. All the stuff that he's figured out on his own, he's already explained really well, right? So we're not going to actually ask him about that. What we're going to do is ask him about the things that seem vague. Second thing that we're going to do is when he says something bad about himself, we're not going to disagree with him. We're going to dig into, okay, help me understand, like, where that comes from.

You know, if he's misjudged his potential, we're going to ask some questions that are hard hitting and are going to feel unusual, okay? Because, okay, so there's the other thing, we're starting group today. Everything we've been doing before that is not real group work. It's just like we had to get okay with each other and learn a little bit about each other. This is the first day. And I don't know if you all can tell, but like we're doing work now. We haven't been doing work.

We've been pretending to do work. Do you all feel the difference? This is why we call it. Yep. It's in the fields. You got past the first world, but there's still like all these other worlds and difficulties. First world is tutorial. Yep.

We're in Mario making. territory now. Okay. Love it. So, Zell, what are you frustrated with yourself about? Okay. Good side. So, I mean, it's like, where do I start?

I guess the first thing is just this idea of, why can I not commit to things to hit that perceived potential that I see in myself? And this relates in many different ways where, like, I think I can be a really good, I could be a really, really good violinist or guitarist, and I practice my instruments, and I get really good. I put out a, you know, like an Instagram reel playing guitar or something, and then I, go, okay, that's good. You know, I don't need to be the best guitarist ever, even though I think I can be a better guitarist or a violinist. I just go, okay, that's good. I go to video games and it's like, you know, I hit Diamond and I go, oh, that's pretty good, but like, I think I could hit Masters. I think I could grind myself further. And then I go, well, you know, I think I that was like good enough. It's like frustrating to try to keep going through it. So like, you know, what if I just go to the next thing? And so it's kind of, you know, I think, I think I, that was like, this thing where I kind of jump ship after I hit a certain thing, but it stops me from really being great at anything. And instead, I am like, I'm like the ultimate master of none.

You know, like I good at like good, if not like pretty damn good at a lot of these things, but I'm not great at any single one of them. And especially from a content creator side of things you it is better to be great at truly great at one thing and then people come to your stream or whatever and then they find out that you're good at these other things that's like a much better model from my opinion um and so i felt like this like thing that i keep doing to myself is very frustrating for me um and then the other sort of frustrations i have is just yeah this i this feeling of just being lost all the time. Like, again, I kind of talked about this before where, like, I feel like my brain is,

like, permanently on copium juice where, like, I just reason with myself to find a solution. I go ahead with that solution. And then, you know, again, same thing. I jump ship when I'm like, I don't know if I want to keep doing this thing anymore. Like, let's say the direction of. I want is I'm going to make YouTube guides for this new Final Fantasy raid that I was really into and whatever. And then the guides, the guides do great. But then I go, ah, you know what? I think, I don't even know why, actually. I don't, like, if you were to ask me why I stopped doing these things, I could not

tell you concretely, like, why I feel like I want to stop doing these things and go to the next thing. But that's just, and that is, again, part of that frustration where I don't understand myself. And I don't understand what compels me to do or not do things. And so I just do them in order to achieve a result. And I have this habit. This is something I was going to tell before too, is like when people talk to me, people tell me that I sound like I really know what the heck I'm doing.

And it's because my brain has copiumed its way into believing in what I'm about to do. And I, you know, I'm generally a thoughtful person. so I reason with myself to a pretty logical degree to where it makes sense. And then I do it and then I go somewhere along the way I go, it doesn't make sense. Never mind. So, yeah, I think, God, I mean, I would say those are probably my main sources of where I'm frustrated. and it all kind of leads back into like,

I don't think I know who I am, and I've always thought of myself as a pretty self-aware person as like I feel like I have a general good judge of character and I feel like I've judged my own character to as, you know, a pretty good degree. But honestly, when it comes to all this other stuff, it makes me wonder if I really know myself at all. And that's the scary part.

Yeah, man. I totally get you. So here's kind of what I heard. So the first thing is like you're someone who never becomes great. It's you make it to good enough. And then right when things get tough, you kind of quit. And you don't want to quit. You want to be great.

But you don't know. Why you quit. Like, if you had a good reason, it would be okay. But you don't have a good reason for quitting. Do you, Zell? No. I reason with myself to say it's a good enough reason, but I don't actually, like, when I look back at it, I don't think it is. And you copium yourself.

What's it like to be someone Zell who is never great? I mean, that's the frustrating part. right and I think it sucks and because I think I can do it but maybe I can't and maybe the reason why manufacture these these like copiumed excuses is because like and that's where I feel like maybe I've misjudged my own potential because maybe the people who have judged their own potential can break through these sort of plateaus and yeah so so And I think that's scary. I think that would be, it would be, it's like,

I think I would be very scared to find out if, that I had misjudged my own potential. And I actually, I'm fearful of both sides. I'm fearful that I actually do have that potential. And I'm also fearful that I have misplaced my own judgment of my potential. Absolutely. Sounds like you're kind of screwed there, bro. Because on the one hand, if you misjudged your potential,

it means you're kind of a loser all along, right? And if you didn't misjudge your potential, that means you could have done it and you did it. So it's like your choices are loser or failure. Yeah, like I get this feeling where if I'm, if I believe in my own potential and I believe that I can be good or great at anything, it makes me wonder, like, should I choose a more noble cause? Right?

Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's like that, but I also think, like, maybe instead of thinking about what I like to do, maybe I could do something that's like better for the world, you know, like, you know, instead of being a content creator, what if I, like, worked for a nonprofit and try to, like, you know, change the world to a better place, you know, like, what if I, if I have this potential that I think, like, I could maybe make a bigger change in the world or something, you know, something more noble. And so, yeah, I don't know.

All right. So I'm going to ask Smirky a really hard question. hardest question that's ever been asked. What happens if Zell decides to make the world a better place? What's going to happen? I would imagine they might steer away from all the... They would steer away from the content creation thing and therefore all the things that they've done historically

that they consider to be successful. Is he going to see? I mean, only if they are, still in the headspace of like the definition of success that they had when they were doing that potentially ruby what are you healing what are you seeing and hearing smirky do i'm not sure so so here's i'm going to come out and say it because i don't think smirky can yet it's another hill he's going to climb to the top and he's going to fall down the other side Yeah, I wanted to say that like whatever Zell does right now is just going to be exactly the same because

Zell doesn't know what they want to do. So whether they go, if you go and do the saving the build. Yeah, I don't know who I am. So let me just make the world a better place. That'll fix all my problems. Yeah. And then you'll be sad that you didn't like become the greatest guitarist. And then you'll if you become the greatest guitarist, you'll be sad that you didn't become the best

streamer and then if you become the best streamer you'll be like oh but and then also it sounds like you've got a fear of success like actually what what if you actually did become the best at the thing you chose then what then where like that's kind of like something I was wondering why you were saying it because that wasn't an option in your head like you weren't describing any of that like actually being really good at something and actually succeeding at it. Like that wasn't the part of your thought process at all. Like that's just then. I mean, it's weird because like the things I do choose to do, you know,

I do end up finding some amount of success in it. But it's never, it's like never enough. You know? And then once I get to that point, yeah, I drop off that cliff. And then I find a new mountain to climb to fall. So can I ask like what your, I guess, definition of success is then, like what that looks like to you? I don't know, right? I don't know. I, um, yeah. Zell, sorry, we're going to run with Smirky. Okay. So Smirky?

Zell's chasing success? The idea of it. Absolutely. Yeah. So I love your answer because you actually answered my next question, right? Is he chasing success? I was looking for a yes. And then I was like, what does that look like?

And you're like, no one knows. He's looking for something that he doesn't even know what it is. Yeah. And like there's so many people in the world with so many different visions or ideas of what success actually is. Absolutely. And which of those people does that? Well, use is his compass. Go for it, Zell.

I mean, other people. All of them. Everyone but you. Everyone but you. And no wonder we're fucking clueless. Ruby, paragraph one, others. Paragraph two, others. Paragraph three, others.

Paragraph four, others. Paragraph five, others. Were those all talking about the same thing? I would guess not. Right? So like, let's take a moment to think a little bit about, you know, for yourself, right? Just like pause and, like, think a little bit about, like, for yourself. Like, what's the success that you're chasing?

Do you even know what it looks like? What are you really shooting for, you know? For me, I'm shooting for some kind of sense of direction with what's next because so much of my time was spent in school. Now that's not where my time is spent. So where do I spend my time? right? And what's going to happen is you can keep looking out here for a direction. But like, that's why you resonate. Smurkey, beautiful analogy of climbing up the mountain and flopping over the... Then what happens when you fall, Smurkey? What's next? You say to yourself. You go find another mountain to climb. You fall.

I didn't hear that you fell after college. So, you know, that was a win. Right? So we're still learning even in that way. But in the same way that no matter like, I forget who said it, but like no matter what Zell decides, it's going to be wrong. Do you all see it's because the thought process is generating the answer. The thought process is flawed. Yeah, Ruby. I was going to say something to Zell when Zell said, what if I, like, I shouldn't be a content creator and I should go and like work for like a charity or something? thing like or is like do something that's like it's being a content creator like I don't know I can't remember your words basically you're saying is it selfish is it like a selfish like pursuit like and I wanted to say and what's wrong with that and then I laughed to myself about what I'd written down and then I didn't say it because I was just like This is exactly what we're talking about.

So what I want y'all to understand is people are wondering, how do I change? With 100% confidence, I tell you that Ruby just changed. 100% confidence. I've devoted my life to helping people change. It's why I became an addiction psychiatrist. People don't usually want to be addiction psychiatrist because you're working like homeless people and heroin addicts. right? Like, I mean, a lot of people do because we love the work. And this is the thing. How do you change? You realize there's a part, a pattern of your mind that is absurd. And then you laugh at it. You're like, I'm such an idiot. But you say I'm such an idiot is that said with shame? Look at Ruby's face. Do you all see shame right now? What do you see? I know we don't have good emotional vocabulary. yet we'll get there it's like it's like she's just giddy i don't know it's just it's just

elation i would say that to somebody else like no it's not selfish why are you worrying about like saving the world you're one person you need to be happy before you can even start saving the world like you know you you never know you could build such a great platform that you end up doing all of those things and all you've got to do is pursue That sounds so simple. Like, all you've got to do is pursue that thing that makes you happy that makes that, you know, that you can put your heart into and be authentic with and that you can grow and other people can resonate with. And ignore all these other, like, pull from all the other ways.

Now, is that toxic positivity? My, my, no. Go ahead. My brain was thinking it might have been. Okay. So maybe I'm wrong. No, no, no. It's not about right or wrong.

Yeah. Because it was like, oh, just like do what makes you happy. Like that's what that's what was. So exactly. I think that's what Ruby's point was. What Ruby is saying is this is the crap that people spread as toxic positivity. Yeah. It was kind of like a feeling of like, oh, it's just that easy.

You just do that thing. Like, there you go. But Zell, why don't you think it was toxic positivity? Because Smirky's spot on. It's exactly the words that toxic positivity uses. That's why I was raining like that for me. Right? Because we've heard Ruby say that like two weeks ago.

Just believe in yourself. I mean, I think the difference here, I mean, I forget exactly the way Ruby put it, but like, you know, the idea of how it comes about, like the idea of like self-authenticity. It wasn't like, oh, just, you know, do what feels good, man, you know, go for it. It wasn't like, but it's more like find that thing that would allow you to find the next step, right? And so like, because when I heard Ruby talk, the place my mind went to was talking again about the inner compass that we talked about and like how I don't have that. So I have to discover that part of myself in order to apply that next part, which is the toxic positive part, which is like, do what makes you feel good. well, to do that, I need to find that intercompass that determines, that defines what the feeling good part is.

And then from there, yeah. Y'all see how, like, Zell is, you see it? Yep. I'm not trying to shame him. No. Zell, are you getting what we're saying, or did one of them need to illustrate? Another cascading thought. Excellent.

So Zelle start somewhere good Right? So I asked him How does it feel to be someone who's never great? Says some BS It sucks more BS And it's like Where is the real Zelle in there? There's the copium juice on either sides

It's a copium sandwich With a What is it like? It sucks. Right, Zell? Yeah. Is that what other people are telling you? No.

Where is that coming from? Like why other people say that it's okay? Nope. Where is the sensation of it sucks? Oh, that's just from me. That's just me. Right? So you say you don't know who you are.

Well, you've learned a little bit about yourself, which I know is going to sound harsh. Sucks to be you. So I'm going to ask you questions, though. and maybe I'm going too far because y'all leveled up I got excited we're going straight from like level one like I'm putting

you all against level 10 monsters instead of level two monsters. It's exciting. Zell, does it suck to be you? Yes, but society tells me I shouldn't feel that way. Okay, so y'all saw it right there. What does Zell feel? Does it suck to be him?

And here comes the copium juice. Open wine, open up Zelle, copio juice. Because we touched some... Not the actual glass. We touched some negative emotion. And it's so fucking scary. He's literally drinking. Right?

There's his copio juice. And the guy... The guy can't sit. He's got... You guys see in his face? He's like, we all know what the answer is. Does it suck to be you? And he's like, yes.

But! Society tells me, dude. And see, he's come so far that he didn't give us a BS answer. He gave us a reflection. He was like, oh, there's that crap again. I don't know if that, y'all caught that, right? Because he says, he didn't say, he didn't, if he had, if he was still level one, he would have said, yes, but, and then he would have given us some reasoning. But he went forward because he said, he said, he didn't.

yes, but society tells me not to feel that way. Which is like, you all see the difference there? If he said, yes, but I accomplished so much. Right? That would have been like one step back. Is that, and I don't know if, maybe I'm exaggerating, but like, I saw the struggle in him there. Right? Yeah.

So now we're almost at time for the day. So any idea, any clue. okay what we can do to help this guy do we believe he sucks do we genuinely believe that no right so what do we see in him that gives us hope and if we don't have hope that's okay to share i personally see that like i feel like after today that zell wants to see something different in himself like something from the story that we've heard from the first time I met Zell has slowly started to change. And I feel like Zell can tell that there's something else there. Like, they don't know what it is yet.

And I don't know what it is yet. But like... Yeah. So, Ruby, I'm going to ask you, say he wants to see something else in himself. Prior today, where did he want to see change? he prior to today it felt very um this is what i'm good at this is what i can do this is what i'm going to make happen this is where i'm i'm going to go in this direction as a content creator like so i'm going to like absolutely right where is all that crap now yeah now i feel like all of that

crap is kind of dispersed a little bit oh sorry i meant like it's a read my mind question so i'll just state it. So what I'm noticing about everything that Ruby said is it's all out there. Yeah. Right? Because she was like, content creation, this, this, this, this, this. Sorry, I asked a really bad question. I apologize. Because I realized it was vague because when I say where, you're like, well, it's not there anymore. It's dispersed. It's like, yeah, that's the progress, right? I don't know. Where did it go? Right. So it's kind of weird because it's like, now Zell is like, he's not looking out there. He's looking in here.

And he doesn't like what he sees. And there's all this reflexive conditioning for, like, you know, how he responds to it. So any idea how we can... Thank you so much for sharing that, Ruby. I thought it was incredibly insightful. So any idea, what can we do to help this guy? Poor guy. Right?

So we believe in him. And Ruby isn't saying, by the way, that she believes in him because he... had this podcast at Riot. Right? Because he was this in the past. So her faith in him is coming from where, Smurkey? And it's okay not to know. I don't know.

Yeah, I'm just not sure how to articulate it. That's probably where my I don't know comes from. I don't know how to put it into words. That's totally good. And I actually really appreciate that because I don't know can mean a lot of different things. right? I don't know can mean I need some time to think

it can mean I don't know how to articulate it it can mean I don't know it can mean I'm uncomfortable so do you have a sense

smirky like of you know any way that we can help Zell anything come to mind it's okay for you to say I don't know here as well and like not know

right I think just like like like you've kind of mentioned like you know you've you've you've had me a ruby like think about like any sort of questions to like ask if something's unclear so asking questions is always like a great start to just keep doing that keep inquiring and you know cool taking on that responsibility a little bit absolutely right so now here's the cool thing so i want y'all to just think about going forward here's the skill

When, if the way we're going to help Zell, because Zell is looking for answers, are we going to help Zell by giving him answers? How are we going to help him? By helping him find answers. How are we going to do that? By asking the right questions or making the right observations? Absolutely. This is the key thing that people do not get.

Everyone is out there looking for answers. And what they, what we should give them is not answers. Because when someone gives you an answer, if I say, Zell, I'm Dr. K, I will tell you, wake up at 6 a.m. every morning, meditate for five hours. Make your content. Do not shower or shave for 45 days. It is a deep spiritual technique. And you will be successful. Ain't never going to work. Right? Because the internet is full of answers. Sign up for this. We'll teach you how to be successful. Hell, we even say that. Right? everyone's offering the magic bullet. Here's the big thing that we've learned. Helping people find answers is not giving them answers. Helping people involves asking questions, making observations, paying attention. So going forward, starting next week, which you guys actually already took over.

I don't know if you noticed, but like, y'all just took over right at the 15 minute mark, which is fantastic. Right. So when someone says something, I want y'all to pay attention to a couple things. First is we have an illustration of the today, right? I don't know. Like Smurkey, I don't know how to put that into words. So what I've learned how to do Smurkey is when I can't put something into worms, I just go like this and I just hope that other people understand what on earth I'm talking about.

It takes a while to figure that out because it's kind of weird. But now we know what this means. So I want y'all to watch out for this because you're going to see. it, right? And next week, if Kathy and Ash and Metrick show up, they're not going to have a clue. So we don't want to be like clickish about it, but I want you all to really pay attention to notice what is the authentic thing that they're saying and what's the BS that their mind produces. And I applaud each and every one of you, honestly, exceeded my wildest expectations in terms of the meta-analysis of what you learn from your homework.

The main takeaway, you all learned a lot of good stuff about who I am. But the real thing is I couldn't have expected that you would have learned, holy crap, look at how crazy my mind works. And now that we've understood what this business is, now we can get to the authenticity of it. And then we can dig into that. Because here's the thing with Zell. The first layer of the self is going to be crap.

Because what's happened is as he's gotten disconnected from his self, he has a negative emotion and then he stuffs it down in there. And he stuffs the next one down and the next one down and the next one down. And he goes and climbs another mountain and feels better about himself through accomplishment. And so what we're going to do is we're going to like find crap and we're going to peel back those layers like an onion. But down there, there's something good. And Ruby and Smirky have already seen it. Zell maybe is confused.

It's like it makes sense on paper. Right? But he's like, I don't know what. what these guys are talking about. I just have lived my entire life around that, right? Like, in many different facets of my life, you know, like, I grew up, like, I'm not a social person, but I learned how to stuff that down in order to survive, you know, and fit in. And yeah.

Yeah. So, like, it pervades all parts of my life, so. Absolutely, right? So now at least we realize it. Because you're right, Zelle. You were taught, you're like, I have a weak sense of self. I don't know who I am. That's because you were taught to ignore who you are.

Make sense, right? Like, it's not actually that complicated. You just taught. We don't, oh, Zell, you want something, we don't care. And you shouldn't either. This is so true. I was going to say, when I first met you, Zell, I thought we had nothing in common. And after today,

you remind me of me a while back, like, in my life. And now I'm just like, okay, I thought I had nothing in common with someone. And like you saying about, like, forcing yourself to be social, forcing yourself to fit in, and having, going back over these, like, the conversations or the ways you went about things because you did things how you thought they should be. And, like, yeah, I just thought I was. was so interesting for me today that I was like, me and Zelle could be, we were so different when I first met you, but now I realize, like, we've got so much in common in that.

Weird. Here's you how it works. Yeah, bizarre. It's like the more you peel back the layers of false identity and get to the core of what it means to be human, the more alike we are. whether you a soundbath yoga teacher, streamer, or you run a podcast for Riot Games, which is about as far as you can get, right?

Korean immigrant versus Caucasian woman from UK? Yeah. Right? Like, how different is that? And like, oh, wow. So now, Ruby, how does it feel to, like, feel this way about Zelle? I'm strangely excited. for you, Zell.

Yeah. Right? Because Ruby's like, oh shit. I've been there. And I think the reason she's excited is because she knows that you don't have to be there, Zell. She's come some way

and she can show you how. She's excited for you. Now, this is what's weird about group. Because here I am, asking Zell. Zell, does it suck to be you? And he's like, yes, But and then Ruby somehow winds up feeling excited.

Like, what? If you pay attention, you go back and you watch the vaude. I was not very nice to Zelle. Right? I didn't, I'm like, oh, Zelle like, tell me about your dreams, bro. Like, you can do it, man. Just believe in yourself. I was like, bro, what is it like to never be great?

And like, if we asked Zell, how did it feel when I asked those questions? Like, it's going to be like, I loved his word, bittersweet. Like, you don't like getting asked those questions. But I think we all agree. I don't know how Zell feels. We can ask him, I suppose. But, you know, like, I think we're getting somewhere. Like, we're getting somewhere.

Like Ruby's excited. She's like, I know this kid now. I know what's going on. Smirky's like, the mountain. I've been there. I know this guy. And how do you know him? Because you've been there.

And if we can help Zell, we can help ourselves. Ruby shared it with us today. day. She's like, oh, crap. I just realized something about myself. So, like, today is the first day of group. Now, we have the challenge. I have no idea how we're going to get the rest of them here. Because before today and after day is like completely different places. So we can't expect to pick up here next week. Y'all moved fast today. We may not get there next week. So there's going to be some ups and down. but hopefully all we're paying attention. I'll summarize the techniques and stuff that we use.

But I think Smirky basically got it right. We're going to ask questions. Look for the this. Pay attention to the this and ask about it. Okay. Anyone want to try to summarize? Like, I don't even know where to start for today. Like, what the hell happened?

And what did we learn? What just happened? I was thinking, like, if we're in real life, I'll just be like, can I give you a hug? And that means I would have an awkward hug. It would start out awkward hug, but it would end up epic. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's kind of where I'm at.

And it's just like, thanks. Like, you know where I am? Like one of those moments where you're like, yep, I can talk to that person. That's how I feel anyway. Yeah. It's a great summary. Anyone else want to take a different perspective on it? don't have to. We can stop there and not summarize and like, oh, here the learning points for today.

It was like, oh, we answered like, you know, we follow up on our homework of like, oh, how do we feel about ourselves? And we realize, oh, a lot of our, you know, thoughts tend to be about a lot of other people and not always about ourselves. And, you know, it's important to be, to have that level of authenticity with yourself as much as you might as well have with others. Zell? We've been asking other people. What did you get from today? I mean, there was, yeah, just talking about how we sort of deal with our own, I mean,

I've been calling it copium juice, but like, you know, just like the way we sort of cope with our true authentic selves and how we bury it underneath expectations. of others on top of it in order to sort of better define it for it ourselves, but it's flawed. And so to dig through those layers, we have to ask why we don't stop negativity. We have to understand it and understanding how to change and pointing out the flawed logic that we've buried ourselves underneath. And yeah. Thank God.

We have an A-plus Korean student. in group because he does such a good job with summaries. There's me. Let's have a hug. Honestly, like, it wasn't meant as, I know it's a little bit facetious, but like this is exactly the point, right? So each of you brings something else. And Zell, honestly, I would have been lost without your summary. I don't even know what we talked about today. I know it was good, right?

It was profound. And like, and sometimes when we. have these moments that are profound, like we got to summarize and try to like take it with us. So thank you, Zelle. Honestly. And it's like, Ruby's like, I feel hug, dirtle. That's hot. Like, you know, that's great. This is exactly. So this is why we do is because each and every one of you, despite being connected has unique strengths and weaknesses. And what we're going to do is we're going to leverage all of it. And I can guarantee you that when it's Ruby's turn in the hot seat, Zell is going to be taken notes and is going to give her a perspective on herself.

that she has never given herself, right? And so the goal of this is for all of us to come together, be authentic with each other, help each other, and then like, we don't know exactly where it's going to go, but it's probably going to be good, and it's going to be bittersweet to get there. Fantastic. Thank you all very much.

Any closing thoughts before we wrap? Oh, shit, homework. Anyone? How do you even figure that out after today's question? Tell, any suggestions? Maybe trying to write out how to define success through us ourselves versus things that we find that are related to other people. Wow, that's actually really fantastic. That is a really good, you know, because it's interesting to hear other people's perspectives or ideas of what success is, at least from my.

personal perspective. So yeah, I always find it interesting like how high or how low do people set the bar for success in terms of however they see it. So I think that's so really great. If I did I hear you correctly? Zelle essentially asking yourself what does success mean to me? Yeah. And and almost as well how much of it comes from other people when you write it up. Sure. So we're going to try to see if if you could get an answer from yourself. But I really love that because it's almost like it builds off of the observation that we made about our last exercise and how other focused that was. Right?

So like what does it mean to me to be successful? I think it's beautiful. Thank you very much, Zell. Who knows, maybe by the end of this, Zell will tell us how to find our inner selves. Exercises like that. Okay. Thank you all very much for coming today. Is anybody rating?

I mean, is anybody streaming? You're rating. I'll be streaming. And I'll be rating later in Final Fantasy. Okay. So go live, Zell, if you can. Okay. Does that work for you?

Otherwise, we'll just raise them. Okay. And just DM me what you're, yeah. I was saying next week, because it's nearly midnight for me, but next week I was planning. If you guys are okay with it, I will do a sound bath for you to raise. so you can bring everyone over for a soundbath.

Absolutely. I'd like to do that for everyone. Yeah, we would love that, Ruby. Thank you so much. All right, take care of y'all. Thank you. Thank you, Dr. Kay. Strong work.

Thank you, Dr. Kay. Yeah, this is awesome. Take care, everybody. Bye. See you next week. Okay. That's group. And that's the thing, right?

Like, I don't even know, like, it just takes a couple weeks. I don't know if you guys, caught that. If you came in later, you know, I don't know. But I don't know how to tell people this kind of stuff. So sometimes people come into group and they're like, where are the answers? I expected a course with a curriculum and a syllabus and lead me from point A to Z. Not how it works. Can't lead you. It's a journey. Right? And people are like, oh, it's a journey. Like, like, literally, like, today is a journey.