HealthyGamerGG - Derek (HG.gg Community)

Episode Date: January 3, 2020

Dr. K talks with a viewer about lying to yourself and laziness. Watch the interview on our YouTube page (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUv4gfOln8w) and catch Dr.K live on Twitch (https://www.twitch.tv/healthygamer_gg) - Wednesdays & Fridays at 3PM EST and Sundays at 6PM EST. Research papers talked about (join Discord #research channel if you do not have access): (1) Leisure Luxuries and the Labor Supply of Young Men https://www.nber.org/papers/w23552 (2) The Development of Narrative Identity in Late Adolescence and Emergent Adulthood https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2009-02701-021 Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

So for different people at home, like, I think it takes some time to figure out, like, why are you lazy? Like, what's the reason behind that? And the cool thing is, like, once you figure out, like, what's underneath your laziness, then you can go about changing it, right? Okay. So, Derek, what are we talking about, man? Man, I don't know. Because, like, I've had this set up a month ago with Moses. And so I've had time to think about it.

but then slowly over time, you've answered my questions, or like the things I was curious about. Fantastic. Okay. So it's like... It's nice to meet you and we'll see you next time, I guess. Yeah, no, no, no. So tell me, so walk us through that a little bit.

Well, so first of all, I'm thrilled that the stream has been helpful in some way. And I think this is my, this is my fastest time to curing another human being. Oh, I'm not cured, but like, you know, I have a, I have a guide. so to speak. So why don't you tell us where you were a month ago and what's been helpful for you on stream? So for me, I've been, I guess for a little bit of a backstory, I guess to kind of get to where I was today. So I used to be living with a bunch of my friends. I was like my life was chill. I was going to the gym, had like a job I tolerated. Everything was like, you know, it wasn't terrific,

but I had things to work towards. And then I had a falling out with one of my friends. And then basically my life went from like chilling to fucking nothing. And I ended up moving back in with my parents, had to quit my, I like ended up quitting my job because I didn't like it anymore. And just basically I went from like everything to nothing. So that kind of put me in a bit of a shit zone for lack of a better term. Yeah

Okay So yeah Ever since I've been living with my parents again It's really hard because I live about an hour and a half out from all my friends And I kind of had trust issues with a bunch of my friends Because of the falling out I was like I didn't feel like anyone really backed me up when that happened Okay

So I was kind of like isolating myself from everyone And like basically went from having a social life and like working to basically becoming a neat and then also becoming a what a neat like a what is that it's like someone who doesn't leave the house basically it doesn't have a job there what is it it's the what's the term it's an acronym okay i'm sure i'm sure twitch chat can help us not an education employment or training so that's so that's like a nina yeah yeah so i'm A couple years ago, I was working with someone from South America who's telling me that their son was a nini. And I was like, what's a nini?

And they said, need a rabo and niestudiar. So this is an interesting phenomenon that's happening across the world. It's N-I-N-I. Right. And there's actually a fascinating paper. Can I, okay, I know, can I be a research, Andy? Yeah, go for it. Okay.

So I'm going to be a research, Andy. And, oh, shit. Find this paper. Damn it. Ah, here it is. So this is the, let me see, Scholar, fascinating. So I have a buddy who's an economist

at HBS, and they were telling me, I was telling about this video game addiction stuff that we do. I'm posting this in chat. And there's a really fascinating trend that's going on, and we'll get to your psychological issues, but I think it's fascinating that a number of young men who are entering

the workforce is like gone down for the time in human history. Yeah, I remember reading that. Yeah. And, and, and, and there's, uh, you know, it's interesting because generally speaking, like men, like around the age of 25 are the strongest contributors to the workforce worldwide. And that has started to dip. And I think it's because these, these, these not, you said, not an education training or what? Uh, employment. Employment. Yeah, need needs. So it's like a worldwide phenomenon. So you, you, you needed yourself. You became a neat? Kind of.

I kind of actually kind of got Fox. So I basically wasn't, so I live in Vancouver, which is a really expensive city. It's like one of the most expensive cities in Vancouver. And for a long time, I wasn't making enough money because I was like working at a club and like was making a thousand dollars a month. But was like, it's going to hold out, boys hold out. And then it never held out. And I ended up like getting pneumonia and like almost dying, went to the hospital. And then basically had to quit that job.

And so my life in the. past year has been like just a series of kicks to the ass. Okay. So yeah, I guess to put it in perspective, I got out of school for music, worked in a club for about a year, got pneumonia, went in the hospital, was like, have to quit the club because it's not a healthy lifestyle. It wasn't making enough money, putting myself into debt. So I got another job.

Then was working that job for three months, was like, okay, I'm going to work my way up this job, then realize, oh, they're going to pay me, fuck, like, no money to do a bunch of work. was like, okay, fuck this job. My mom helped me find a new job that paid well, seemed promising, was like, okay, I could, because I can't go back to school. Like, that's not a realistic thing for me. Okay.

I can't afford it. And so I'm like, okay, I'm going to try and find careers and stuff that allowed me to learn and pursue my skills or whatever, you know, so. Great. Was working that job. Did that for two weeks. They ended up firing me out of nowhere. Why?

They said, so this. So it was like an office job, right? And it was for like restoration. And so basically they were like, yeah, you can work this office job. You just have to go work out in the field for a while. I mean, I was like, okay, I'm not really like a labor guy. I never have claimed to be. And I was like, but whatever.

Like if this is why I need to do that okay. Then basically I had to do labor for like four weeks. And I was just like, this is not me. I don't understand how this is teaching me. to work in the office. Like, this is not. And they basically fire. And I went up to that.

I was like, hey, listen, like, I don't really understand how this is going to apply to my future. Like what, like how this is going to teach for you. But because it was basically like a project administrator role. So I was like, I don't understand how this is going to help me. And the guy leaves, comes back. He's like, yeah, we're deciding to let you go. I was like, okay.

And then, yeah, like, basically. Okay. That fucked me over. Because like my whole plan, I was basically just back on my ass. Okay. So yeah, like the past five or six months have just been me having like me getting my ass kicked. They mean like, okay, whatever. I'm just going to roll the punches.

Here's a new plan. And then my plan falling through. And then like, yeah. So now I'm just like burnt out because it's like I have a job now. It's fine. It's not glamorous. I like a receptionist. It's not terrific.

But it pays the bills. Yeah. Yeah, man, it's strong work, dude. Yeah. So now I'm kind of like, well, fuck, like I need to. So tell me about this falling out with your friend. It's kind of, so it's kind of like the Lucy pie thing. My friend was really toxic.

I think I don't want to say he's envious because I feel like that's, I don't know, I just feel like that deflects all of my problems. But when describing it to, you know, other people, they're like, I think he was envious of you. That's why he would put you down all the time. And I'm also the person who generally doesn't stand up for myself too often. This is the second time I've had a friend like that where we were really close friends, but they would put me down a lot. But yeah, I mean, that's not really something I want to focus on today because it's like I've kind of grow past that and realized that you kind of get what you're treated how you allow yourself to be treated.

So true, true. So what do you want to focus on today? Um, I mean, I just feel like I'm not really getting anywhere because like, I don't know. I mean, it probably doesn't help that a lot of my current situation is external forces, but, well, with the whole jobs and stuff. Um, because yeah, like I went to school for music, which is on paper a great idea. But, I ended up hating it. I really did. I love music. Like,

it's my passion 100%. But the way I describe it to employers and people who ask me why I quit it is it's like seeing how the sausage just made. You're like, this is gross. Like, I love music too much that I don't, I don't want to see the grossness of it, you know? Because it can be a really gross industry. Yeah, okay. I'm just going to think for a second, Derek. trying to figure out how much to run with what you want to run with and how much to challenge

some of your basic assumptions about why you're in the situation you're in. I mean, you could challenge me. That's fine. So the first thing, Derek, is like, you know, so you kind of talk about getting knocked on your ass and, like, you sound like a really resilient person. And I think you are, right? You're kind of, you're painting us this picture of like, you're like the underdog. And there's someone who's envious and maligned against you. And then you kind of get, you get knocked down. And then you kind of get isolated and you move back home. Like, it's still a little bit unclear to me why a falling out with one person

causes you to move an hour and a half and or somehow is related to, like, all of these job shifts. And then, like, you're kind of talking about, like, job shift after job shift, like you kind of, like, get, like, you're working at the club and, like, that's not paying your rent. So fine, you decide to leave. And then something happens. And then, like, they're not, like, you recognize that you're not going to get paid sufficiently from this job. then you move to the next job and they're kind of like, yeah, we need you to do some field experience. And it sounds like you really advocate for yourself because you kind of go into there and you're like, I don't understand why this isn't working for me.

And so, you know, the impression that I'm getting from your story is that you're basically someone who gets knocked on your ass. You get up again. You fight the good fight. You kind of roll with the punches and like you're kind of like, you know, you're like the underdog. You got some solid like Samwise Gamji level shit going there. Right? So, and I think that this is, like, that sort of makes sense. But then there are some things that, like, sometimes I'm just a little bit confused about.

Like, you know, what's going on at the job where you walk in and you're like, I don't understand how this is leading to the office job that they like walk. Like, so do you think that someone, do you think that if I go to a job and I say, hey, I don't understand how the work that I'm doing is like aligned with like the future role that I'm supposed to have? What percentage of people do you think say that and get fired? within like minutes or an hour. I mean, I don't know.

I just know that I, there was a day where literally all I did the whole day was clean machinery and thought, I don't understand how this relates to me. Sure. With projects, administrate products. Absolutely. And the thing is,

is the reason I just like, I was trying to tough through it and was like, listen, this is a good paid job. There's a lot of opportunity of this. And I was like, something did feel right to me, like my gut feeling.

And I basically, whenever something like, that happens, I don't really act impulsively. I'll ask around and kind of ask people who I think are wiser than me. And they were like, yeah, that doesn't smell right. You need to talk to them and figure out what's going on. Sure. I think that that makes sense. So what I'm hearing from you is that you're basically a victim of your circumstances. I mean, I definitely, I think, play that up too much sometimes. Ah. What's that about? absolving responsibility.

Okay. What does that mean? Not taking responsibility. It's like victim. It's just, I don't know. I'm trying to grow out of it. I know that I like tend to be a victim. Yeah.

But it's hard. So like I want everyone to like, I'm going to start asking a couple of questions. So I think you're right. So the problem here, Derek, is that you understand intellectually what I'm trying to ask because you're really fucking good actor. Right? You're good. You're very good. So I want to ask Twitch chat something.

Do you guys, like, I would guess that you all like Derek. You're rooting for Derek. I would also guess that you respect him. You like him. Like, you want to be his friend, right? Like, he's a cool guy. And, like, the world is against him and his friend is an asshole. And the people in his job are taking advantage of him.

And then even when I, like, call attention to it, like, Derek is not going to, he's not going to, like, get caught. So when we, like, put our eyes on Derek. Derek's like, okay, so now what I have to do to get them to like me is I have to own up to my shit, because that's what gets people excited, is owning up to my shit. So I'm going to do that. I'm going to say, yeah, I absolve responsibility. This fucking psychiatrist, he's going to eat that shit up. Because, like, man, that's what he's here for, right? He's here to help these people who, like, don't live up to their responsibility. I'm going to give him exactly what he wants to. It's like, here you go, Dr. K, here's the spoon. Open wide. The airplane is coming. You see that, Derek? Yep. So what's really going on? Like, what's, like, so I think, I think you're right and it's reflexive. You don't actually control it. In a bizarre way, you owning up to the fact that you absolve responsibility is actually you absolving yourself of responsibility.

Do you see that? Like, it's kind of fucked up, but you're saying, like, yeah, I have a problem with absolving myself of responsibility. So, like, nothing I can do about that, and I'm working on it. I'm working on. Are you feeling okay, Derek? Is this okay? No, I'm fine. It's just I'm having a moment of self-reflection.

Good. It's kind of not self-reflection, but it's like, yeah, you caught me. Yeah, right? Yeah. So first of all, Derek, it's important to recognize that like, so you see these things about yourself, right? So what happens when you, when you have this kind of like victim orientation? So you're very charismatic, right? So I think that like part of the problem is that like,

I think you have some things in your tool belt, which allow you to propagate a fundamentally bad strategy. So you're charismatic and you know how to talk to people. So I think you land jobs that you fundamentally should not be landing. You can try to hide your smile all you fucking want to, but that's okay. Right. So what, so let's think about that for a second, right? So like what, because I think what's happening is you, you, you over promise and you're like a really good salesman. So people hire you for shit that you have no. reason to be hired for. And then, like, and then when you show up and they ask you to do actual work, you're like, I'm not here to work. Yeah. I mean, I just don't like working, but that's just like life. Yeah. So, but think about that for a second, right? So when you show up, like, you're like, man, I need a job. And it started with the first word, right? It started with, I have a job that I can tolerate. Yeah. Right. So it's like, but then you show up and like, you're not going to give

your A game and I think people at some point start seeing sort of like your real your genuine amount of investment in the thing and then like it's strange to me that you have a conversation which sounds fully reasonable which is you go to them and you ask them like how is the work that I'm doing related to like my prospective job description could you be taken advantage of like absolutely did they sell you for the wrong kind of job absolutely and it sounds like you were on the fence before that conversation. Yeah. That they had seen something about your work ethic or the way that you showed up,

and were already thinking about whether you were going to be a good fit or not. Well, that was their argument, too, as they said, like, well, it shouldn't matter whether you're doing labor or not. You should have a work ethic that goes across the whole thing. But I was like, I don't know if I agree with that. Yeah, sure. I mean, so I think they were hiring you for like a project manager role. he kind of like basically assistant to the project manager yeah so i mean i think that there are two possibilities just in your particular scenario and i'm curious what you think one is that they were

taking advantage of you which happens a lot unfortunately yeah that they hire you for one prospective job and they shuttle you into something else the other option is that sometimes being a project manager like if i'm running a medical clinic it sure helps if i've been a doctor right if i'm like managing and i understand the different like parts of the thing involved Like the most successful business people that I've seen are actually from like, like are people who are like programmers, for example, and then go back and get their MBA and then like go to work at Google. So like I have someone like that in my practice. And so he understands what it's like to be a programmer. Maybe they were putting you on that track.

I'm not sure. Maybe they were just taking advantage of you. I'm not sure. I mean, to be honest, too, it's like, I never really wanted to do these jobs. I was lying to myself to go do them. Yeah. Okay. So that was all the factor. Yeah. So I think that that's the basic problem, right?

Is I think you lie to yourself quite a bit. And I think like you lie to yourself in a really good way. Like you're really good at it. And I'm not quite sure what's going on there. It's because I'm from a family that is a perspective of, I mean, I'm also bullious as brother. So that's also like a thing. Okay. What kind of thing is that? What does that mean? I don't know. It's just like, like, maybe they'll add some context to the situation.

But our family is very, like, tough through it, right? It's like, you know, it's not about stop whining, blah, blah, blah, just tough through it. So lying to myself is a way of saying, listen, stop being like a baby about it. Just fucking get through it, right? Yeah. Yeah. So where do you think we need to go? to help you out?

I don't know. So let me try to offer you something. So when I asked you, like, what was the deal with, like, that getting rejected by your friend and moving home? You said, that's not really what I want to focus on. I've kind of moved past that. Yeah. Right? Which I think you have.

But I think you've moved past that the way that you've moved past a lot of other things, which is that, like, you move past it, but you don't necessarily move through it. Right. So what's going like like so I get Derek that you're being honest with me and at the same time I get the sense that like we're missing something important about the way that you move through life. And I can show you I can try to like look under the rug but I'm not quite sure what's like I can see that you're kind of bullshitting. Kind of like not really like because you're being honest but that there's a lot of bullshit with the way that you're here's what. There's a narrative. I'm giving you a narrative.

I'm not giving you a full story. Yes. Exactly. So I literally took the word out of my mouth. I was thinking about narrative. And there's also, we're going to be narrative identity. I want you to read something, okay? What the fuck.

Okay, I'm going to be a research, Andy. You ready? Could you put it in the Discord call? I'm not looking at Twitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's okay. I'll definitely put it in the Discord call. But I'm going to just put it in Twitch, really.

quick. This is a great paper. So, so this is a great paper. So I think you're spot on. I think the key word here is narrative. You're building a narrative identity for yourself that is leaving out some things. And so why do we build narrative identities like that? What does that let you do, Derek? I mean, it's the same thing you talked about with my brother where you get to orchestrate a image of yourself, right? So, you know, maybe. I was lazy at these jobs and maybe that's why I did get fired. I think so. I mean, yeah, I was.

Like, definitely. But it's because, I mean, it just is, but it's also because my heart wasn't in it. Like, there are things that I'm doing that it's just like, I don't want to fucking do these things. And because I live in such a city that's so expensive, sometimes you just have to kind of like work a job you don't like. Yeah, you get to sell out. Yeah. Yeah. And how do you feel about that?

I fucking hate it. and I want to move away. I want to go move somewhere where I can work part-time and fucking, like, progress my skills that I care about instead of working all these jobs, I don't. What skills do you care about? I don't know. Like, I want to do design work, and I think, like, all the thing is, too,

is all these jobs that I've done for short periods of time have also kind of coasted me towards what I want to do and kind of taught me about what I think I would want in a career, because I don't really know, to be honest. Yeah, Derek, how old are you if you don't mind me asking? I'm 22. Okay. Okay.

So you're still, I view that as young. What do you think? I feel like my time is dwindling. And I think that's also a big factor. Oh, yes, certainly. Right? So what does that mean? Your time is dwindling.

That's great. Sand and the hourglass is running out. Yeah. Because I think the reason why is because I came, I come from like the electronic music background. And I was in a community full of like, you know, these amazing electronic producers who are like 15. And so for me, I felt like my time is running out.

Because like they're these kids that are like 16, 17, who have these amazing skills and like, all this and it's like I'm 19 and I have nothing to show for or 20 and I have nothing to show for and I'm just like this schmuck who spent all his days playing video games instead of doing anything productive or anything that really I value right how are you able to say that with a smile on your face uh because it's genuine I don't know because I how does it feel to say that uh feels good I mean I don't really have an issue being honest and being genuine about like because it just is that's kind of my perspective

which is like it is what it is and everyone has their own issues and troubles so saying something like that doesn't doesn't bother me what do you think about that do you do you think your time is running out yeah i get panic attacks about it a lot actually that i feel like okay go ahead yeah that i feel like i'm like gonna die or something like i'll be walking down the road and like i feel like a stray car is going to hit me and that guy's shit. And I think, I think it stems from, it got worse after I was in the hospital because I'm also a type one diabetic. So that's also, I've been diabetic literally as long as I can remember. I got diagnosed at like a year old. Yeah. So that's a whole other facet to my life. So I mean, it is what it is. I don't know what it's like without it.

It's not like anything was taken away from me because I've had it since I was. Anyways, yeah. So. Yeah. So what do you think would be more productive? We've got one of two directions. And if you're at a loss, we can tap Twitch chat because they're so wise. So one is like I do think, so I think you've got kind of two problems, Derek, that I can see.

One is that the narrative that you weave for yourself, while you're okay with authenticity, I think you're okay with like being 80% authentic. Like, yeah. You know what I mean? Oh, I know exactly what you mean because I'm fully aware of it. Why don't you explain it to other people for people who don't understand? So it's kind of like, yeah, it's like the image, right? So it's like if I come off as a super authentic, genuine guy, then I give out, you know, 50% of my authentic, whatever I'm comfortable showing.

Yes, that's it, right? So you're like, I'm an open book. I can talk about diabetes. I can talk about my feelings. I'm an open book. It's just the way it is. I'm honest. I'm likable. I'm genuine. But only the things in the showroom, right? Like, don't go into the basement. Exactly, yeah. So you're like 100% authentic, authentic 80% of the time. And so there's a 20% which I think that we can talk about that, right? But that's going to be uncomfortable for you because that's the exact thing that you try to avoid getting into. Yeah, we could do that. I mean, yeah, you don't gain growth from being comfortable, so.

Okay. The other thing that we can talk about is the sense of like the sand and the hourglass running out. Yeah. Which is authentic, but it's part of what you choose to show. I think the, I want to go to the more uncomfortable one. Okay. So tell, tell me how you're full of shit, Derek. I don't know how full of shit.

Okay. So sorry if that was a dick thing to ask, but I'm just wondering if that would have struck a chord. It was a long shot. So tell me about this friend. What happened? So I had this friend. We met through one of my buddies in school. We were close friends for about two years.

We lived together. So I lived with five of my friends. We lived in a house of six. it's kind of like a frat house except we were all depressed and played video games so it wasn't really a frat house sounds awesome yeah we play like smash frozen stuff

it was sick it was really fun but it was also really unhealthy there was a lot of passive aggression in the house a lot of us didn't know how to express our feelings the house is a mess lots of stuff just a lot of issues that got swept under the rug and the one person who I had the most issues with was one of

my close friends. And he was like, definitely, he was also like a showman, more so than me. Oh, wow. He's,

he's more of a showman than me. Because like on, right now I come off as this like super fucking genuine, whatever guy, but in real life, I'm generally very closed off and, and quiet, and don't have much to say.

And that's, I've gotten a lot better over time, but initially I was very quiet. And, like, closed off, very judgmental, kind of that guy that was like, why did he say that? Just you could tell, like, I was judging everyone in the room. Okay. But I'm not so much like that anymore. Okay.

And he kind of saw me as like a little brother. Okay. So he's older? He's older. Yeah, he's about two years older. And we were very similar as well. That's the thing, too. We're very similar.

Sounds like it. He's a showman too. Yeah, but he's, it's extra. And he had his own issues. We had a very similar upbringing. What do you mean by that? Our family dynamic. I don't want to get too much into it because, you know, in the house.

Okay. Yeah. So anyways. Yeah, so we had very similar family dynamic, like, related really, really hard over that kind of stuff, you know. but he would kind of terrorize me sometimes. And I don't deal well with conflict, and he thrived off conflict. Okay.

Well, how would he terrorize you? I don't, I've kind of like suppressed all this shit because I just like, it was kind of one of those things where it would happen. He would feel bad about it, but he would never apologize. And I would definitely play victim as well. So it's like I was never in the wrong. He was always in the wrong. So it's kind of,

I don't know, it was just this really toxic relationship. And it basically got to the point where what would he do? Okay. So let me actually explain the situation that stopped us from caused me to leave. So basically what happened was we were living in this house. It was super messy all the time. And it got to the point where at first I was super messy and I was a part of the problem. Then over time, I was like, fuck this. I'm tired of this. It's gross. I'll clean up. And I'm not going to do it for like acknowledgement. I just want to clean up to clean up because like that's the only way it's going to happen. So I would clean up, you know, and I wouldn't. And it was never a situation of like, hey guys, by the way, I just cleaned all the dishes just so you guys know. It was always like,

just clean them, whatever. And so, um, I came home one. day after the gym. I was with his brother actually. And so we came back and he was like, oh, we just clean the house. Like go clean that pot. He was like bossing me around. And I hated that. I was really annoyed. I didn't like that at all. And so I was like, no, I'm not cleaning that pot. Like I clean up all the time. Like I'm not doing it. Like I'll do it later, but I'm not doing it right now. And he basically starts yelling at me and talking down to me. And I was like, I'm not dealing with this. I'm going to my room. So I went to my room and he was like,

I can't believe you're doing this. Basically starts messaging me on Facebook, sends me this long, like, paragraph about how shitty of a person I am, how childish I am, how immature I am, which I think, I don't know, it was this whole thing. And I was just like, you know what? My mom had also offered at that point, if I needed to move back in, she would let me. So at that point, I was like, you know what, after this, I'm just leaving.

And none of my friends backed me up either. know and defended me, they just kind of watched what happened, and then they just, like, let it happen, and then I went, and it was just like this thing. When you said that they let it happen, what did they, so did you, what did they let happen? They just watched him yell at me and antagonized me. That's what I feel like happened. Yeah.

I just felt like they watched them antagonize me, him antagonize me and yell at me. and I was just like, you know what, I'm going to my room. I can't deal with this. Yeah. I just don't. How did that feel to be yelled at in front of them? How did you feel? I've always felt like a younger brother, and I never felt like a lot of them respected me

because I was the youngest than the house. A lot of them were older than me, so I always felt like the little brother of the house. And I, because I never stood up for myself, I was always the one who had take the piss and like, you know, take most of the shit and they would always roast me and it was never like evenly distributed. Yeah. So yeah, it was just, it was just, I don't know. Okay. So how did it feel though? Terrible. I felt betrayed. I felt like I didn't have any friends in that house. I felt like alone and I was like, I don't know. Just I, at that point I was like, are these even my friends.

You felt, these even people. Betrayed? Abandoned? Yeah. How did you feel when this guy was, like, so that's how you felt

towards the other people, the spectators, the other people in the house. What about towards the guy who is abusive? I, I was just like done with his shit at that point.

I was like, listen, man, if you want to talk about this at another time, that's fine, but right now it's not the time because I understood that when someone's emotional, you can't have a logical, you know, back and forth. Like, there's nothing productive that's going to come from that. So I basically said, listen, like, I have nothing to say right now.

Like, when, when we both calm down, we can talk later. But I don't want to talk about this right now. And he just kept going. And I was just, he would just back me into a corner. Physically? Well, yeah. Or conversationalally. Conversationally, but that's kind of his tactic,

because he'll back you into a corner. How does he do that? Like yelling at you. Like, not physically backing you into a corner, but... Does he yell at other people in the house? No, it was always only me. I bet he started... How long ago did you move?

I moved in July. I would bet money that he's found someone else to beat up on. Maybe, I don't know. He's addicted to Apex now. So anyways, that's unrelated. So did you feel, so let me ask you this. Did you, I mean, I could imagine that you would have felt like humiliated when he was doing that in front of everyone. Yeah, yeah.

And the fact that no one was there to acknowledge what, no one acknowledged what happened after I left. Okay. Basically, I didn't talk to any of them for a week and then I just left. And has that happened? Have you felt that way before? Have you been in a scenario where you felt like humiliated and that there were like other people who should have stepped in and helped you and they didn't? Yes. Tell me about that.

That was my upbringing, which, you know, that's why I think it bothered me because that was kind of my upbringing. Okay. And you don't feel comfortable talking about that? No. Not during the context of, but yeah. I mean, to put it in perspective, I feel like that whole scenario is kind of my upbringing in a nutshell. Yeah. So let's talk about it a little.

So I'm struggling, Derek, because on the one hand, I definitely want to respect your privacy. I really do. And on the other hand, I think that's where the money is. So I'm going to try to talk around it. Okay. And if I like get too close, you just let me know when we're just going to shift gears. Is that fair? I mean, you know what, even if she hears whatever, because it is what it is.

And we did talk about it. And I think she realizes, like, I didn't talk to my mom for two years. Okay. Because this was the kind of person she was before I stopped talking to her. And what kind of person is that? The way my older roommate treated. And we also had a falling out. And I ended up leaving.

I moved in with my dad for a couple months. And I didn't talk to my mom for two years. And then I saw my mom when I was in the hospital. hospital. And it was a weird fucking moment because I basically, basically what happens, I went to hypoglycemic shock. And my roommates found me on the on the couch, like, like fucking hyperventilating. And like they thought I was fucking with them. They didn't think it was real. And then basically woke up in the hospital and was like lucid and not lucid, but in and out of consciousness. And I just remember seeing my mom. And just in that moment was like, I'd

I just need to move past this whole situation and just move forward. I just had this weird moment where I was like in and out of consciousness for like 12 hours and saw her. I was like, I'm just going to forgive her for all that happened and move past. And how did you do that? I don't know. I just was, I was like half conscious. Have you forgiven her? No, I don't think so.

Okay. So Derek, this is going to sound kind of weird. I think half of your problem is that you just move past things. Yeah. So you say, yeah, like you understand what I'm trying to say. I think that that sounds vague. I think I know what I'm talking about and I think you know what I'm talking about. I know exactly what you talk about.

Why don't you explain it to everyone who's watching? It's like if someone passes away instead of grieving, you just move past it. I don't know how else to put it. Right? So we see that in your life. Done with mom. Onward and upward. Get into these roommates. Fuck those guys. Done with them. Onward and upward. Back at home. Things with mom are kosher, but they're not. You're done with this job, onward and upward. You're resilient.

Yeah. You're going to roll with the punches. Like you use all this language that's really positive. I think it's adaptive, right? It helps you survive. But I think like the most like crazy thing about like men's, health and what holds us back is the shit that protects us is actually what keeps us from growing. Yeah. That, like, you can go into, like, turtle mode and then you don't die. But, like, when you're in turtle mode, like, your movement speed is reduced.

Your accuracy is reduced. Your damage output is reduced. And you got to, like, get out of turtle mode at some point. Yeah, I think I've been in turtle mode for, like, the past eight years. Yeah. And I think that's where I'm at. Yeah. So now we get to the money, which is like, why did you get into turtle mode eight years ago?

And it's an oddly specific number, right? It's like, you didn't say for years. You didn't say my whole life. You said I've been a turtle mode for eight years. I don't have a specific. Yes, you do. I don't. I really don't.

Why do you say eight years? It was just a number that came to mind. There's no, like, I genuinely, there is no, like, specific moment. I don't know. What was your life like when you were 14 or 15? I was a shithead student. I would just play video games all day. I didn't get good grades.

I didn't want to try because, yeah. How did your mom treat you back then? Same way as my roommate. Backed me into corners. I was frustrated. I didn't know what to do with me, didn't know how to, you know, basically she didn't know how to, she saw there was a problem, but didn't know how to deal with it.

And so what did she do? Just like antagonized me, would yell at me, think that, thought that punishment was the solution. How did she make you feel? Terrible. In what way? Like a lack of self-worth. Okay, give me a second.

So the first thing is, like, Terrible is like a, it's like a, it's a number, right? It's not, and it's a general direction, but it's not an actual feeling. I mean, it is a feeling. But one can feel terrible for any number of reasons. Terrible is like an amplitude. So what is the flavor or color of the feeling? Alone.

Yeah. Just like isolated. Did she humiliate you? Yes. Yeah. I think that's what it is. Is that what it is? So what happens when you get humiliated?

What do you do? Like turtle? Yeah. And what is turtling? What is the, what is what, what does turtling look like to people on the outside? What do you mean? Like what, like, so what have we talked about in your life that is like what the, what turtling like?

Like, what are your behaviors of turtling? I just move past it. Yeah, right? You move on. So that's what's going on in your life. Like you're like, you're like a butterfly. Like you move from like this flower to this flower to this flower. And any time that there's an insult, like that's what, like something shakes and then the butterfly moves on.

And the reason that you don't have any kind of like forward momentum is because you can't actually like, you're like a nomad. Yeah. And what you need to do is like, I'm going to, like, I don't know one plays RTS these days. but like, are you familiar with StarCraft? Yeah. Okay. So, like, you know in StarCraft, like, you have like a Nexus or a hatchery or a command center? Yeah.

Like, you're, so you're fucking, you know what long distance mining is? No. Okay. So you're basically like long distance mining. So the Terrans have this thing called a command center. And the command center can lift off and, like, move to other places. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the problem is, like, you just settle down in some random-ass spot that's nowhere near minerals

and you send your, like, 10 SCVs to, like, mine from minerals that are like far away, like some shitty job that barely pays your bills. And then after a little while, like a few zirglings show up and they start attacking your command center. So it's like everybody lift up or moving somewhere else. You can never like you're never building a base. You're like not laying down roots. You kind of talk about these 15 year old kids who are producing stuff and like you're not producing anything. That's because you're not fucking mining anything.

Your mining is so inefficient. You're just moving on from thing to thing because you don't know how to deal with a couple of zerglings. Yeah. So we got to teach you how to like instead of moving past stuff, like sit with it, right? To actually process it. Like you say that like I know that you've moved past your conflict with your mom and that in a lot of ways it sounds like, because the other thing is you test very highly on the sociopathy scale. I don't mean that in a bad way.

I test highly too. So like you understand how people work. And like you understand how to get them to do the things that you want. the problem is that like sometimes the things that you need to get them to do and yeah everyone sees your smile and the things that you need to get them to do at some point become things that you yourself cannot give them right right like you can half-ass stuff like the good thing is that you can make like a half-assed cake like you can make a hollow cake look really good but it's like hollow on the inside so eventually they're going to like cut into it and they're going to see that there's nothing on the

inside. The other thing is you know how to fill the cake, but you're just not willing to do it. And I'm not quite sure why that is, but I think it has something to do with the running away from the Zurglings. And so my question to you, Derek, is like, what, like, how can we, like, what is one thing, like, how, I don't know what setting down roots for you actually looks like. That's something I'm going to need your help with. Like, I can tell you that I think this is what's going on, and I think we're both on the same page. That's what's going on. How do we get you to, like, sit in one spot. I don't know. I really don't. Because if I had known, I feel like I would be there. Absolutely. I hear you. So I think this is going to be tricky. So what's your relationship with

your mom like now? It's kind of reflected off me. It's kind of on my brother right now. How do you feel about that? It's fucked up, but I'm glad it's not me. Yeah. Yeah. Like you recognize there's something wrong about it. So I'm going to ask you this question. So I think that there's an element of something else with that roommate that's going on with your mom, which is you said one day that like you decided to clean because that's the only way it's going to happen. Like you remember when you said that? You kind of said it in passing. Why are you smiling? I'm just smiling. Okay. So like I can imagine there are a lot of other ways to clean the house

besides you just sitting down and cleaning it. Right. Right? Like you can have a conversation with your roommates or you can try, maybe you've tried before and it didn't work or whatever. I'm sure you did. Yeah.

Yeah. But like you said that you're kind of conflict diverse. And so I think there's a certain conflict diverse element that is kind of relieved that like you're in the shadows. It's like your long distance mining and the Zerg seems to have like your ally is in another part of the map. And they're like the Zurglings are heading over there. So you're like, okay, I have some time to kind of like settle and rebuild.

Yeah. And so I don't think that I think you're genuinely not happy for him and that you care about him. And at the same time, you can't help but feel some degree of relief. And in my sense is that the simplest thing that I can think of is like you've got to start at home. Other question that I have is kind of random. I don't know if this is overstepping, but would your mom be willing to come on stream? Actually, there are two other questions that start with that. Would you want her to and would Booleus want her to?

So that's the first question you guys have to answer. This is what I'll tell you is that if you both want her to and she is willing to, I'm happy to. I just, that's not, that's such a, like, foreign concept to me. I'm not opposed to it. It's just, I don't, it's more her. I don't know. So I think you and Booleus need to talk about it first because my first responsibility is to the two of you?

My first instinct is she's going to say no. Sure. I think that's a reasonable instinct to have. And at the same time, so here's what I think could scare you about that. It's like you're authentic 80% of the time, but you don't know what that's going to show. That's part of the 20%. Yeah. Right?

And she may be, she may not want to. I mean, of course, like, so I really am honest about everything. The first is that you have to be okay with it. The second is that Booleus has to be okay with it. And if neither are y'all are okay with it, that's fine. The third thing is that she has to be okay with it. I think the only way it would happen is if it wasn't on stream. That would be the only way personally I would feel comfortable with it.

Okay, that's fine. So good. I'm glad you're being honest, right? So you're setting a line and you're saying, actually, I'm not okay with that. So then the question becomes, if you're okay with exploring that for a few minutes, and if we've gone too far, you let me. you know, and I'll back off. Yeah.

Because I think the reason I ask about your mom is because I think that's the root, right? Like that's like you felt humiliated and you learned how to move past stuff without, you learned how to like start migrating. You learned how to become a nomad like in your own home. And there were things that she would say to you and things that she would do to you. And she didn't know what to do and you didn't know what to do. So you guys just up and moved. And so my sense is that like,

like if that's where the problem is, like, that's where we've got to start. Right. And at this point, there's also like a common denominator. So like I'm kind of like mentally wondering, like, I talk to you. I talk to Booleus, but like, what if I just talk to your mom? Right. Yeah. And sometimes when it comes to the people that I actually work with, you know, we bring parents and other people like spouses and stuff like that into the picture when the time is appropriate.

But I can see that this, that's the most. uncomfortable thing I've ever said to you. So I, no, it's fine. It's just, it's, I think that is. I think, and I think if she saw the greater good in that, she might do it. If, because at this point, like,

not to wrap my brother up, but my brother's not doing great in his personal life right now. So me, for her, she's frustrated. She doesn't know what to do. And so she's kind of just his hands off and hopes the best. for my brother, and she did the same thing with me. I had to figure a lot of stuff out on my own. Because we were very sheltered growing up,

so we kind of had a late start to life. What does that mean you were sheltered growing up? Because of our, so my brother's also diabetic as well, actually. That sucks. So because of that, like we weren't really allowed to go outside and stuff because she was fearful of like our diabetes. and was worried about like what if something went wrong and that kind of stuff which led to you know just very sheltered like me and my brother never really did a lot of things we didn't have

a lot of money growing up either so we didn't really have hobbies we didn't play sports we didn't play instruments nothing I was in drama a bit for high school but that was about it so we just played video games that was like our only real hobbies, which is not. What did you like about video games? They were an escape. From what? From the shitstorm. That was our personal life.

And how is your life the shitstorm? I mean, I didn't do very well in school either, and I got lucky that I ended up applying to a university right in grade 12 and ended up getting in the first semester and was like, oh shit. Like I have never felt satisfied with my work ethic. I know that I'm lazy. It bothers me. And I don't know how to not be lazy.

Okay. And so for me, like everything I've ever achieved feels like luck. Yeah. Okay. I have to just think about how to tie this together, okay? Yeah. So, Derek, what kind of person? feels what

what I don't know how to ask this what kind of person feels like everything that they've achieved is due to luck I don't know what do you mean what kind of person so what how so if if I go around and I believe that everything that happens in my life is due to luck

what do you think I think about myself I don't have high self worth because I don't believe that anything I've done has anything I do doesn't it's not like anything I do does not create impact it's solely luck it's yeah so so all of your accomplishments are not due to you they're due to something else right it's not you that creates your successes it's like circumstance yeah so then let me ask you about about this like if you are not capable of anything if you're not capable of achievement, why bother?

Yeah. So you're not lazy. You just, it's kind of like, so you know, I used to play Skyrim. And in Skyrim, there are these big mountains. And I would climb some mountains. And like, if you like muddle around for a little while, you can get to like a top of a big mountain. And sometimes in Skyrim, you reach the edge of the world.

Right. And like, you know in a game when you reach the edge of the world. And like, I never tried to climb the mountains at the edge of the world. Why not? Because you know there's no reward. Yeah. So, like, the reason that you can't, the reason you're lazy is because you look at a mountain, you think, oh, that's the edge of the world. So there's, like, no fucking point.

Yeah. Right. And so this has to start with, you have to start with, like, understanding that you have agency in this world. Right. That mountains are climable. But as long as, like, you're living in a life where you have, like, one. square meter of real estate and on all four sides is the edge of the world or unclimbable mountains that are futile to climb. So it's not that you're lazy. It's just that you're,

there's like, like you just don't, the part of your brain that calculates the value of effort, the reward is impossible. So why the fuck bother? Does that make sense? Like you're not actually lazy. This is very important to understand. Yeah. So what do we do? And like, I mean, the thing is, too, is like, if I think logically, I have done things that, I guess, on paper are impressive. Yes. And I've done things that a lot of people could never say they've done. Yes. But they don't, I have.

I have. Yeah, because they're not. You're right. Okay. Beautiful. Okay. So we're going to do a couple of things. Then we got to switch to our next interview in a few minutes.

But, okay, brilliant. So, Derek, the first thing is, do you know how many hours? And with how many people I spent trying to fix my audio? Yeah. Like eight or nine. Like three people, four people. Yeah. You know how quickly you fixed my audio?

Like 10 minutes. Less, five minutes. You're like, I don't know what the fuck all this stuff is. Just move all the dials back to the normal position and just try that. And it worked. It's brilliant, right? So, like, people spend, you know, lots and lots of hours. you know, working on themselves and they come on stream.

And since I know what I'm doing, people make progress faster. And you know what you're doing too. That's why you're able to do what you can do in five minutes. It's not luck. Yeah. Like, it's not luck. Now, the question is, why is it that despite overwhelming evidence, there's a part of you that ignores all of that evidence and you have a belief about yourself,

right? Do you see how that belief doesn't change because of the evidence that's presented. Yeah. And that's because like that belief comes from like you being humiliated by your mom. Like that's when you learned like you're just not capable of anything. Like, why aren't you capable, Derek? That's what she was telling you. Like I can, I can move back to eight years ago and I don't know why you said eight, but I think it's important. As a part of your brain, like you just don't pick, you didn't say a while ago, you said eight. So like eight years ago, was when like something happened and you came home from school one day and you like have a you she saw your report card or something and she's like why aren't you capable and that's when you learned a very important lesson which is that you're not capable yeah which is that when you get zurgrushed by two zirglings and you have 12 SCVs you can actually use the SCVs to kill the Zurglings but you just don't believe it so you up and you move and so this has to start your entire life

will change if you deal with this emotional sense that you are not capable. Because as long as you're not capable, as long as you can't win the fight, there's no point in fighting. You're not lazy. Lazy is just like a very surface level analysis of what your problem is. Your problem is that you just don't think you can accomplish anything. So like, why bother? Like, it's not lazy. It's intelligent, actually.

It's a good analysis. So I think we have to go back to, and I don't know how that's going to happen or when that's going to happen. But I think you have to have at some point a conversation with your mom or you yourself have to think about those times. And you have to learn how to like remember what that felt like. And you also have to cultivate feelings within yourself that are going to be different from that. Because logic isn't going to be enough. Right. Do you feel like you're incapable of something now? Does the sense of self-worth still exist? Like does your lack of self-worth or like a low sense of self-confidence or whatever? Like is that what you feel like?

Does it exist within you at all times? Can you find it? Okay, so I want you to find that thing in you right now. We're going to meditate now. So I want you to find that thing first. Okay. You found it? Sure.

Okay. So what is it? Can you describe what it feels like or it's like not really doable? It's like no matter what I start, it's not good enough. Okay. So is that a thought or is it like a feeling or sensation within your body? That's a thought. Okay.

But it... So I'm going to teach you a different kind of meditation technique today, okay? Okay. And while you're doing this technique, like... So you say that the thought is ever present, right? Like, it has a certain permanence within your mind? Yeah. Okay. Good.

I mean, not good. That sucks for you. But I'm glad you're able to see that, okay? So I'm going to teach you a weird meditation practice. It just got blurry. Can you unblur it? Your camera? Is it unblurred?

It's not unblerged. Japanese webcam. Yeah, there you go. Oh, there we go. Okay. So this is going to be hard because I'm going to ask you to take off your headphones because it requires you to put, you're going to have to, we're going to put our hands on our ears.

So hopefully we don't get reverb. Okay. So I, okay, can you all hear me? Okay, so there may be some reverb. So I'm going to teach you guys something called shonner. Shanmukimudra and Brahmari Pranayam. Okay? Shan Mukimudra means closing of the nine gates.

So the first thing that I want you guys to do is like, you have this thing I can't really see, but like you see this flap here. It's called the pinna of your ear. You guys see the pinna? Can you see the pinna? Yeah. So I want you to tuck your thumb behind the pinna and into your ear canal. So it's like the pinna is over here and I'm putting it behind and inside.

Okay? You guys got that? So you can stop doing that. So we're going to do that with both of our hands in a second. Then I'm going to show you the other places that you stick your fingers. So one is at the corners of your mouth, right outside the grooves of your nostrils, and then on the two sides of your eyes. So like this, and you're not going to be able to see once you do it, and then the thumbs go in the ear.

And then it's going to be... Yeah. So almost. So the middle thing. goes here and then your index finger goes on the outside, right? Yep. Good. Yep. And then the thumbs are going to go in the inside of the ear. Can you do that? I need to... Yep. Yep. Yep. You guys should do this at home too. Yeah, good. Good. Good. Do it. We're going to do sign language. Yep. Okay. So like this.

Good. Good. Good. And then the thumb is inside, right? Okay, now stop. Fingers come down, good. So now what I'm going to teach you is the Brahmari, so that's the mudra and the Brahmary pranayam. So Bramari pranayam means bee's breath. And so you like to flit around from flower to flower, so we're going to buzz like a bee. So it's just, mm, got it? Okay, so now we're going to put them together.

So we're going to do one breath. So lock yourself in and then buzz like a bee. Okay, you got it? Okay, do five more. Five, five breaths. Did it? Five times? Yeah, yeah.

Okay. So, tell me what that was like. I didn't feel like I was doing it right, so I was more focused on that. What didn't you feel like you were doing right? I was anxious that I wasn't doing it right, and I didn't understand what was going on. Did you buzz like a B? Yeah, I went, hmm. Okay, and what did you feel?

Okay. Nothing really. Take your headset off. Do it again? Yeah. I'm going to teach you a slightly different version, okay? Okay. So we're going to, I mean, I...

So we're going to go like... So inside, this, this, this, and then this one on top, on the forehead. Buzz like a B. It's tax season, and at LifeLock, we know you're tired of numbers. But here's a big one you need to hear. billions. That's the amount of money and refunds the IRS has flagged for possible identity fraud. Now here's another big number. 100 million. That's how many data points LifeLock monitors every second. If your identity is stolen, we'll fix it guaranteed. One last big number. Save up to 40%

your first year. Visit lifelock.com slash podcast for the threats you can't control. Terms apply. Okay. So, Derek. You were saying that you were feeling like you didn't know how to do it right, right? Yeah. What's your basic problem in life? Not knowing. I don't know. My mind is plank right now.

I can't think. Okay. So I'll remind you. Your basic problem is that you don't know how to do anything right in life. You can't do anything right. You're incapable. Yeah. Right?

Do you know how to do it right now? Yeah. There it is. before and after. That's it. You just did it. You see that? Yeah.

You didn't know how to do it right because that's the thing, right? You don't have, like, you can't do something. So why bother? That's the feeling. I'm not doing it right. And you meditate and you meditate and you meditate until that feeling goes away. The more you do this practice, the more that that sensation that you are incapable, that you're not capable of accomplishing will melt away.

Like literally. happened in your mind. Yeah. You felt it, right? So now here's the... I felt like warm, like steam in my brain, and now it just feels empty, but in a good way. Yes, because which thought is missing now?

That I'm incapable. Yeah. That thing that's always there, right? You fucking vented that shit out, man. You fented it. Just fended it into the ether. It'll come back. It'll come back.

but the more you do this practice, the more it'll get vented. And then we have to do lots of other things, but this will get you started. Oh, that's fine because I just committed myself to a month of meditation in daily journals, so I know which one I'm doing for the next month. Fantastic. Questions? No. I know to do that meditation.

Okay. That's my focus. Any other questions? There are so many questions. No. Okay, so I'm going to take a quick look at our featured chat and see questions that are up on deck, and then I think we have to switch to our next person in like three minutes. Yeah.

What's the difference? Okay, we're just going to start at the top. What's the difference between actually being depressed or just being plain lazy? So I want you guys to understand that, like, if we talk to Derek, like, he thinks he's lazy, and that sort of makes sense. But in my experience, laziness is a catch-all term for, like, none of the above. Right? Like, laziness is kind of like the lazy answer for what your problem is in life. I think all human beings are basically lazy. I'm still lazy. Like, I'm a lazy fucker. Like, it just hasn't changed.

And I think the key to moving forward is recognizing that, like, laziness is actually, there's like, it's just a catch-all term to describe, like, not doing stuff, right? That's what lazy means. Like, I just don't do stuff. I'm lazy. But, like, what are the reasons that you don't do stuff? Because there can be a thousand reasons why you don't do that. things. Some of these are related to like some scars, which is basically what what Derek has. So like Derek's problem is that once again, he's on that one square meter of real estate. Like he's playing Skyrim and he's loading a map where there's nowhere to go. So he's like, I'm just going to hang out on this square meter because like there's no point in climbing these mountains because this is the edge of the world and there's nothing beyond. So in his case, laziness is just this because he's a smart guy, right? So there are a lot of things about his mind that are actually working against him. The first is that he knows what he

knows. Like, you know what you know. Like, you know you're right and other people are wrong. Like, you know that. Right? Other people can try to convince you that you're wrong, but you're not going to fucking believe him. Like, once you come to a conclusion, you know what it is. Yeah, I'm very stubborn. Yep. And so that the problem is that since you're very stubborn, combined with the fact that you know that there's no point in doing anything, that results in laziness. So for different people at home, like, I think it takes some time to figure out, like, why are you lazy? Like, what's the reason behind that? And the cool thing is, like, once you figure out, like, what's underneath your laziness, then you can go about changing it, right?

So what Derek needs to do is vent that ever-present thought that he's not good enough, which, like, you couldn't have, I mean, you couldn't have walked into it better than you did, Derek. Like, you're like, I don't know how to do this. I'm not doing it right. Was it luck that you did it right? No, I tried it again. Yes. That's going to fucking change your life. Because now you've done something. That is yours to own. It's not luck. It's you. And the more that part of you grows within you, the more control you're going to have over your life.

The more desire you'll have to actually go out and try something because I tried it again. Right? It's not a roll of the dice. Like, sure, it's a roll of the dice, but you got to, like, you can throw those dice over and over and over again. That's it. Okay. And in terms of depression, so like a motivation can be due to depression. So when you get depressed, you can be an hedonic, which means like you don't enjoy things and stuff like that.

So sometimes that can be, I mean, it's complicated. It just depends on the person. Okay. Yeah, I don't know. Okay. So we're going to do one more question than we're going to switch. Okay? Let me just actually.

I'm going to switch. So Derek, I just want to thank you for coming on. I'm going to switch back to like the different view just because I don't want to, you know, have everyone to see my Discord. But I just want to say, dude, so thank you for coming on. Strong work today. What do you think about what happened today? I know where to go.

Good. I know what to do. That was my biggest issue because I think you really hit on the nail of the head. It's like it's okay to just accept that you don't know what to do. And that's kind of why I've been so involved in. Healthy gamers because I'm like, okay, like at least being here, I'm getting closer to where I need to be. Yeah, yeah. Fantastic, man. So you just, you just take your time, like, you're still young. Like, I know that you're comparing yourself to 15-year-olds, but, so as I tell people oftentimes on the stream,

I started medical school one year after everyone that I, all of my friends graduated. Right. Like, people were, like, graduating and, like, going on to become plastic surgeons and pediatric oncologists. And they were like, what are you up to, Alok? And I was like, yeah, I'm applying to medical school. Right? Like, they're well on their roads. So, like, you can't compare yourself to other people. It's just a waste of fucking time.

We'll talk about ego and stuff like that. That's what that is. But really, thank you for coming on. Thank you for letting us see the other 20% in diving in. Because there were a couple of times, I don't know if you noticed, but on stream where I gave you permission to back away and you started to back away. And you're like, actually, I don't want to talk about it. And then you said, fuck it, you know, if they hear what the hell.

Like those are the moments, right? Those are the moments where you're like, this mountain. You were kind of saying like, okay, that mountain's unclimable. There's nothing on the other side, but fuck it. We're going to go anyway. Yeah. That's you sitting with it. And so sit with it, process your emotions, do this technique.

And then hopefully things will turn around and keep us posted, man. Yeah, I'm going to be a B in a month. What is it? Oh, yeah, beautiful. Okay. Thanks a lot, man. Bye, guys. Thank you.