HealthyGamerGG - Dr. K Answers Your Unhinged S*x Questions

Episode Date: May 11, 2026

In this episode, Dr. K explores the science of connection and the "meta" of physical intimacy, answering a wide range of community questions about sex, fetishes, and the biology of attraction. He breaks down how the brain gets wired for specific preferences and explains why a fulfilling relational life is one of the most effective ways to achieve long-term mental health. What to expect in this episode: The Neurobiology of Kink: A deep dive into how early conditioning can pair aversive or "disgusting" stimuli with sexual reward, creating associations that are highly resistant to extinction. The Excitation Transfer Principle: Why fear, anxiety, and danger can actually enhance sexual arousal by activating the same sympathetic nervous system pathways as lust. The Myth of Static Compatibility: Why the idea that you are either "compatible" or not is a mistake; Dr. K explains how sexual fit is something that partners must actively build and grow into over time. Rescuing Your Partner from Life: An analysis of why libido often fades in long-term relationships and how providing an "escape" from daily chores and stress is the ultimate form of seduction. The Intra-Sexual Competition Trap: A breakdown of why men’s obsession with penis size is largely driven by competition with other men rather than actual vaginal physiology or female preference. The Mechanics of Tantric Sex: A look at the neuroscience of separating orgasm from ejaculation to use sexual focus as an "anchor" for deep meditation and higher states of consciousness. Escaping the Friend Zone: Why romantic connection requires "shared emotional experiences" rather than just supportive or platonic ones, and how to bridge the emotional gap between partners. Jungian Archetypes and Roleplay: How BDSM and roleplay provide a safe, consensual outlet for universal human drives toward dominance and submission that may be suppressed in daily life. Dr.K’s Guide to Love, Sex, and Relationships: An introduction to Dr. K's evidence-based framework for navigating modern dating, healing from rejection, and building sustainable, fulfilling connections. Dr. K's NEW Guide to Love, Sex, & Relationships has arrived! Order now: https://bit.ly/4dO3x0VHG Coaching : https://bit.ly/46bIkdo Dr. K's Guide to Mental Health: https://bit.ly/44z3SztHG Memberships : https://bit.ly/3TNoMVf Products & Services : https://bit.ly/44kz7x0 HealthyGamer.GG: https://bit.ly/3ZOopgQ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, chat, welcome to the Healthy Gamer Gigi podcast. I'm Dr. Al-Alo Kanoja, but you can call me Dr. K. I'm a psychiatrist, gamer, and co-founder of Healthy Gamer. On this podcast, we explore mental health and life in the digital age, breaking down big ideas to help you better understand yourself and the world around you. So let's dive right in. Alrighty, chat. Let's get started. Welcome to another Healthy Gamer Gigi stream.

My name is Dr. Al-O. Kanoja. Just a reminder that although I'm a medical doctor and psychiatrist, Nothing we discussed on stream today is intended to be taken as medical advice. Everything is for educational and entertainment purposes only. So welcome everybody to Mental Health Awareness Month, where we are focusing on, yeah, love, sex and relationships this month. And reason we're focusing on love, sex, and relationships is because they are a huge part of mental health.

So basically, you know, like our subreddit is flooded with people asking for relationship advice. You know, there is just so much about how human beings have evolved. We are community-oriented creatures. We're social creatures. And yeah, we're just here. Like, this is, this is in order for us to be mentally healthy, it is very hard to do so unless you're wired a particular way, unless you are like a monk or something like that, like basically a huge part of our mental health

is being in a relationship. So a couple years ago, I started getting really into this because this is what people were asking for in terms of help. So we are, you know, we have our guide to love sex and relationships, which is now live.

We also have a, we have a community challenge that's going on. So, uh, and our community challenge is called heart to heart. So get on us, get out of your comfort zone, get a little bit closer. So we've got a couple of exercises that y'all can participate in to hopefully get a little bit closer with yourself, do the heart to heart challenge. We're going to start with writing a postcard to your near future self about where you are right now.

And then we're going to encourage you all to reflect. How do you love? What are you wanting? What do you give and what do you get in relationships? And then we're going to encourage you all to get a little bit brave and start actually acting, whether it's setting boundaries, putting yourself out there, opening yourself up to rejection, encouraging you to have that conversation. And then we're going to help you get closer, nurture your connections and sharpen your social skills.

and then finally create a vision for your relational future that's grounded, sustainable, and fulfilling. Okay? So there's a lot of stuff we're doing this month. Another really cool thing. So I don't know if you guys remember this, but I just wanted to give you all a quick update. So we build these guides. Okay. Oh.

We build some of these guides. And one of the things that we do when we build guides is like we put this money that we raise. towards stuff. Nice. We got a, dude, we got a guide sale. You guys see that? So the guide basically costs, so in order to break even,

we need about 3,000 guide sales. So we hit, I think, maybe 100 or 200 during last stream. And then in the last couple of days, we've actually had 3,700 sales, which is awesome. So our next milestone is 4,000.

We're 250 away from that. So if we could hit that during stream, that would be great. And we're being super transparent about what we do with this. So when we make stuff, it's designed to help you. When you guys buy the stuff from us, which we're really happy about, like I'm super happy about this, because I don't want to be beholden to investors. I don't want to be beholden to fundraising. We're going to build stuff for y'all that is helpful to you. And the primary person that we are financially beholden to is you. And that's a relationship I'm really happy with. So this is something that we built for y'all, the guide to love sex and relationships.

It'd be great if we could hit 250 sales by the end of the stream today. And this is what we do with that stuff. So just to be super clear, you know, we want to start publishing some of the research that we're doing. We want to educate professionals. We're, I think, synthesizing a lot of the tools that we've built and putting them together, that is kind of like the main. goal that we're trying to do and this is not something that we're going to raise capital for this is something that if you guys want to help us do it you can

accelerate the process otherwise this has been in development for close to two years and we need so we're this that's what we do with our money we reinvest it in stuff that will help you which is sort of what the mission of of this organization is but without further ado let's get two questions so oh quick quick announcement. So today we were supposed to stream with Dr. Rina Malick, who is an awesome urologist on sexual health questions, but she was not able to make it.

Something came up for her last minute. We're really hoping we can reschedule that. But I'm going to go ahead and take a crack at some of these questions for y'all. I mean, I have some answers to some of these things. And since it's going to be just me, we're going to do. kind of a quick lecture on kink BDSM and sexual health today. Nice to guide sales. Let's go, guys.

Okay. So let's talk about kink. Okay. Does that sound good? Let me just check in with chat real quick. Are you guys okay with, we've got a bunch of questions on sex and sexual health? Thank you, icy slush. Yeah, I'm sure we'll reschedule.

So she's awesome. I was on her podcast a while ago. I met her a couple of times. She's great. Should we encourage Kinks? Yeah, so this is, okay, so let me just, let's get to the first question. So how to disclose. And by the way, thank you guys, everyone for submitting questions on Slido.

Thank you to the members for submitting questions. We're going to try to get through a fair amount of them. Let me think about this real quick. Okay. So first thing we're going to talk about is kink. So how do you disclose sexual fetishes and kinks to your partner? Also, how to know what fetish or kink is healthy without any bias from society. So there were a bunch of questions on kink.

Uh-oh. Whoops. A bunch of questions on kink. Pina's stretching. we're going to get to that one later. This is one where I'd really appreciate it if Dr. Malick was around. If many people find out that their fetishes and kinks have disappeared after they went to therapy and healed their traumas, doesn't that mean that kinks, uh-oh, are a distortion slash repetition

compulsion and that we should aim to get rid of them? So I love these questions from the community. And let me just make sure that we don't have any others. Okay, addiction to sexual aroused. Okay. All right. So here are our two kink questions. So how do you disclose them?

What's healthy? And hey, there's this kind of idea. It's sort of interesting, right? Oh, no, wait. That's back here. Like, there is a relationship between trauma and kink. And sometimes when we like therapists people in trauma, I mean, it therapies people who have been traumatized, their kink tends to resolve.

Right? So the basic question is like, okay, what's the deal with kink? Is it, is it safe? Is it healthy? Should I try to get rid of it? If it's associated with trauma, like how does this stuff work? And I love this question because I think we're going to do, hold on, I need my, I need the iPad. One second. I'm going to not try to blue balls, y'all. Hold on a second. But in all seriousness, you all like that? You all like that when I pretend like I'm going to answer a question about kink and then I leave the room. and leave y'all hanging. Does that do it for you? You guys like it when I deprive you of your kink answer? Okay, so let's talk about kink. Okay, all right. So a lot of people wonder, what's the deal with kink? Let's go. Okay, a lot of people wonder, is it healthy, is it

unhealthy? How do I disclose it? Right, what's the deal with kink? So this is what I love about doing this. So we're going to go through a lot of research today, and we're basically going to understand a couple of things about kink, okay? First thing to understand is we need to understand how sexual attraction develops. Okay? And then we're going to learn. So actually, let's just start with that.

Hold on. So first, let's start with like this basic idea of sexual attraction. Okay, how does this develop? Let me find rule of conditioning. Okay. So let's start by looking at a paper that talks about the development of sexual attraction, okay? So this is what, who, who, what, where, when, and maybe even why. How the experience of sexual reward connect sexual desire, preference, and performance, okay?

So, a lot of data. Oh, where is the, okay, so this is going to be insane. Okay, hold on. Go over the basics. Okay. So, let's talk about how sexual, oh, why am I lagging? Is my camera lagging? Am I lagging?

Testing, testing? Oh, my God. Hold on. What is this? What's this lag? Chat, am I lagging? This is just me. Okay, it looks like it's better.

Too much attraction. Oh, my God, y'all are right, okay? Lag is edging you, dude. Let's go. Blue balling. Let's go. Okay. So, seems to a fixed.

So if we want to talk about how sexual attraction develops, okay? First thing that we need to understand is basically what are, like, the steps of sexual development? So the first thing that we have to do is male, female brain development. Okay, so we are a sexually dimorphous species, which means that we have two different sex genotypes usually, right? We have X, X, X, X, Y chromosome. And so sexual dimorphism starts to develop it about two years, okay? So the brains of boys and girls start to change a little bit, start to differentiate it

two years, okay? Then later on, we get identity development. And identity development is man versus woman, right? And this is where non-binary comes in. But this is really important to understand. If we look at the development of it, these are discrete periods. Right. So there's sexual differentiation that happens earlier.

And then there's gender differentiation that actually starts to happen a little bit later. So people start identifying as men and women. Like around three or four years old, people will start to develop gender identity, which is beyond the sexual differentiation that basically starts between zero and two years. Then what happens is we start to develop genital arousal, right? So like we start to actually, actually the next thing that happens, we form bonds. We start to have boy, boy, boy, girl relationships, girl, girl relationships. Right?

You have your, so you start to form like social bonds with people. And then we hit puberty. And so then sometime between eight and the onset of puberty, there is a genital arousal that develops. Okay, so then we start to get, like, physically attracted to things. And then as we engage in sexual behavior, this creates sexual reward, which will then reinforce those behaviors. So the first thing to understand about kink is absolutely wild, okay? So a lot of people are confused by kink because they'll think, like, okay, why would someone...

So when I think about sex, I think about pleasure. I don't think about pain. I don't think about degradation. I don't think about feces. Those things are opposite. Right? That's not sexual pleasure. This is different.

So we're going to share a really fascinating experiment. Okay? Let me see if I can find. Okay. We gave male rats their first nine sexual experiences with either cadaverine-scented females. What is a cadaverine-scented female? That is a female rat that has been scented with rotting flesh, okay? Or unscented control females.

A third group of males was given habituation to the cadaverine odor in their homes and cages and copulation trials with unsented females. On the 10th trial, males from the three groups were placed into an open field and allowed to copulate freely with two receptive females, one scented with cadaverine and one unsented. Okay. Males in the control group pursued the unsented females selectively and ejaculated exclusively with them. Males that had been habituated in their home cages did the same. In contrast, males that had copulated previously with cadaverine-scented females pursued, copulated, and ejaculated with both females,

indicating that the aversive properties of cadaverine had been diminished after pairing with sexual reward. Okay? So I know this is kind of weird. Why is this lagging so much? There's just too much open. I've got to close some stuff. Let me just close stuff. Okay?

So this is what's like kind of interesting about this. So if you're a rat, right? So we as biological organisms are designed to avoid dangerous things. And one of the key things that we're designed to avoid is rotting flesh. Like this is full of bacteria. It's dangerous. But what's really interesting is if during a period of critical development, we basically have cadaverine-scented female rats. Male rats, once they associate the sexual reward with that smell, that doesn't actually bother them at all.

So these two things get tied together in the brain of the rat. Right. So if we go back to this figure, just to give you a sense of this is wild, right? So this is the neuroscience of this rat business. But here's the key thing. Genital arousal link to external causes. Once we get wired in this way and we start to have sexual behavior and reward associated with this wiring, that stays the same. Let me think about, okay. And then here's another key. thing. Nevertheless, conditioned responses to sexually relevant stimuli seem highly resistant to extinction, and animals and findings in humans point to the same direction. Okay? So, um, showed that condition subjective affect does not extinguish significantly during the extinction phase. This suggests resistance to extinction. So what does this mean? So basically what this means is that early on, oh, wow, this is really laggy. I wonder what I should.

Okay. This is weird. Okay. So basically what happens is once we, once we get sexually attracted to something, once our brain wires that this thing is sexually attractive, it kind of stays that way. And it doesn't really extinguish. So this is our first kind of question about trauma and sexuality, which is that if during some critical period of development. And if we look at how some fetishes develop, right? Let's say I've

got a schoolgirl fetish. And if I've got a school girl fetish, if my early exposures to sexuality were associated with school girls, that's kind of laid in and doesn't tend to go away. There's also, and we'll get to this in a minute, certain traumatic exposures can be associated with sexuality. And once that association happens, it's very hard to get rid of. Right. So we have cadaverine-scented females. This new, we're launching a new fragrance here at Healthy Gamer called cadaverine, which is for all of y'all necromancer loving people in necromanic video games, if you guys are playing HOM, Olden Era, Necromancer and Joyers,

you guys will love this fragrance. It smells like a cadaver. Once you have that scent, it gets kind of wired in. And once you have that association, it gets wired in. It doesn't get better over time. Okay. So basically in trauma, we can get some weird associations with sexual activity, and those will sort of stay to a certain degree. But it gets a little bit more complicated.

Let me show you all. So the other thing that is kind of confusing is that our brain doesn't really, yeah. So there's this principle called excitation. transfer. Okay. This is the next thing that explains kink. So normally we get sexually aroused. Okay. So sexual arousal, like we get turned on, right? So when we get sexually aroused, okay? When we get sexually aroused, we have an activation of our sympathetic nervous system. So this is our stress system. So it makes us heart rate increases, pupillary, dilation, we become more hypersensitive to signals, blood pressure increases, you know, we get vasodilation,

which can lead to clitoral enlargement, penis enlargement. So for a lot of people, we may think that, okay, when we fear is like separate from sexual arousal, right? We think about these two things is fundamentally different. But there's a lot of evidence that shows that we actually have this principle called excitation transfer, which is late. and sexual arousal that is already present can be increased by another emotion that occurs at the same time. Okay. So if I am sexually aroused, and this is a sympathetic nervous system arousal, and I add fear to the mix, what's really interesting about this is fear doesn't necessarily reduce my sexual arousal.

It actually enhances my sexual arousal. So the way to kind of think about this is, right? So here's me. I get arousal. And then this increases sympathetic nervous system activity, which then drives sexuality. Right? There's a benign stimulus. Let's say I see genitals or I make out with someone.

Okay. So this triggers sympathetic nervous system activity, and then this gets me sexually aroused. Okay. The interesting thing is that if I add a fear stimulus here, this will actually increase the sympathetic nervous system response to and will drive sexual feeling. I'm not sharing the examples from the paper. I think they're a little bit against TOS. This is a paper that really talks about, you know, different kinds of sexual behavior and stuff. So we're not going to talk about what examples they show.

Okay? And then we'll get to that. Does this kind of make sense? So if we just look at the wiring, basically, and some people who experience fetishes or kinks, like understand this, right? The fear, if you look at things like exhibitionism, the thrill of getting caught. That thrill just enhances the sexual experience because it's all going to the activation of the sympathetic nervous system. It doesn't care.

The body doesn't care. Once the sympathetic nervous system gets activated, we can add fear to it, we can add anxiety to it. we can add the thrill of getting caught, right? And then there's the thrill of sexual activity. And so adding thrill to it just increases, it's just the way that our brain works. So oftentimes in people who are, have fetishes or kinks, they also have problems with normative sexuality. So men who are not easily aroused by normative stimuli will be more likely to experience strong positive reinforcement from their engaging. with deviant stimulus and will be inclined to revisit the experience where they did find sufficient arousal,

thus further promoting the conditioning process. Okay, so what does this mean? So if we look at people who are into kink, there is, let's say, genitals making out, right? And if we look at their sympathetic nervous system activation and arousal, basically some people, this only gives them, let's say, two bips. One, two. And let's say for someone who isn't wired this way, it would

give them maybe like four bibs. Okay, so seeing genitals and making out with someone actually, like, turns us on a lot. And so if we look at, you know, if you guys are into, you know, 50 shades of gray or what is that, a quart

of rose and thorns or whatever, right? So, like, if you look at these, like, female, this like sort of erotic fantasy kind of stuff that is just exploding, what we tend to find is that there is an element of danger which increases arousal. So if you are someone who does not get a strong signal normally, right, if all you get is two units of sexual arousal from like normal sexual exposure or let's say normative sexual exposure, then what happens is we can become dependent on the fear, excitement, stimulus, right? Because then this gives us, this fear or excitement then gives us a lot more.

This is what it takes to turn us on. And then what happens is once we get turned on by this, then we get reinforcement through conditioned learning. Now this becomes the cadaverine stimulus for us. So we don't get triggered enough, we don't get turned on enough by normative sexual behavior. Then we discover, oh, wow, my brain really likes this other form of arousal because remember, we don't care if it's fear, excitement, or whatever, lust. Any kind of sympathetic nervous system activity can trigger this. And then the cycle reinforces.

Okay. So if you're someone who's into fetish and kink, there could be a traumatic background. Right? There could be some association that's formed. There could be a lack of arousal with normative sexual stimulus. And because of the way that our brain and nervous system works, any kind of excitement and by excitement, any kind of arousal, and I don't just mean sexual arousal, anything that wakes you up and tunes you in, which can be fear, which can be anxiety, which can be danger, activates the sympathetic nervous system. Okay. Then what's kind of interesting is when we talk about fetish and kink, you know, if you have these communities of fetish and kink, safety becomes really

important. And now we can sort of see why. Because generally speaking, you know, if we're talking about fantasies of, you know, rough sex or like, you know, more aggressive kind of behavior, these are things that, you know, are associated with danger. So if you look at the fetish in the kink communities, what you find is there is an over emphasis, not an over emphasis, I think an appropriate emphasis, but there is a way higher emphasis on safety. Because essentially what we're doing is we are activating our nervous system in a fearful way, but we actually don't want to be in danger. And this is where there's a fascinating paper about attachment styles. Okay. So surprisingly, BDSM practitioners had more secure and at the same time more anxious preoccupied attachment styles

compared to non-practitioners. So there's a lot of evidence that shows that when you're in a, let's say, BDSM kink fetish relationship, that you need a high level of security. You need a high level of trust, right? So in order to reveal this to someone and expose getting rejected by them, you need a high degree of trust, right? So we develop these systems like safe words and stuff like that so that we can engage in these kinds of behaviors with someone without actually adding.

quote unquote real danger, but for some people, you know, working that line that right on that border of real danger or artificial danger is sort of like where people really enjoy it. Okay. So the other angle that we're going to take, there's like, there's this, you know, there's sort of the neurobiological angle of kink, but then I actually really like sort of the psychoanalytic angle as well, which I'm going to sort of, so this is a paper about. Jung? Let me think about. So, actually, let me just talk about this first. Okay, so this is sort of the neurobiology of fetish and kink, right? Which is like, how does, how does it work? Okay, so we

develop an arousal. We start to form associations. This kind of stuff turns us on. It can be somewhat related to trauma right now. We know that once we get wired a particular way, even things, if we think about diaper fetishes and things like that, like I don't know exactly how that evolves, but literally we have studies in rats where aversive stimuli can be sexually arousing, and once we get wired, that way it kind of sticks. Okay? Now, there's another element of this that I think,

you know, psychology, we talk about fetish and kink. It is not just in the brain. It is also in our mind. So there's a psychological angle to this. And I'm going to sort of take a Jungian lens here. I like that lens. I think it's kind of interesting and explanatory. less evidence-based to be sure.

So Jung said that within our unconscious mind, we have all of these archetypes. So what is an archetype? It's kind of like a, you can think about it like a drive. Okay, so we have all of these pieces within us. So one archetype is like, you know, let's say the animus. So this is the male archetype. When we think about things as masculine, aggressive, logical,

assertive, you know, definitive. When we think about like what a man is, that's sort of the animus archetype. We have this sort of masculine energy within us. And then anima is the feminine archetype, which is nurturing, caring, loving, supportive. And Jung's whole point was that

we all have these drives, right? Just because it's males are not necessarily masculine. You can have masculine females, right? So you can have women and a healthy woman is someone who does have the appropriate amount of assertiveness. A healthy man is someone who has the appropriate amount of caring and nurturing, right? We need a balance of all of these archetypes. And these archetypes require expression in order to be mentally healthy. So the way to think about our archetype is it's sort of like a part of our mind, but it's also a drive that we have.

So each and every one of us has a drive to be nurturing. And if we don't, if we're not nurturing in some way in our life, my favorite example of this is like immigrant parents who don't want pets. Right. And your dad is like, no pet, no pet. And they are the most, once the pet enters the house, they spoil that pet. They have the strongest bond with that pet. They're like no dogs, no cats. But once the dog or cat is there, they're like whipped.

The dog or cat has them wrapped around their little finger. Right? So this is a masculine immigrant, doesn't cry, doesn't talk about their feelings, but they also have a nurturing side. And there are lots of archetypes, right? There's the archetype of the jester. And the jester archetype is our way of making fun of things. It's our engagement to playfulness. And all work and no play make Jack a dull boy. So if we look at like human beings, we all have a creative drive. We all have an assertive drive. We all have a nurturing drive. We have all of these drives. We have all of these drives. And in the subconscious, we also have drives for submissiveness, for dominance. So this is going to get kind of weird, but like, I don't know if this makes sense. Every human being has the capacity to kill. Right? Like, I'm not trying to say we're bad or good or anything. If you just look at it, like human beings require the capacity to take life, to kill an animal

for the sake of hunting, to defend oneself. We also have a profession, which is a soldier, which is someone who's trained as a professional killer. We have other professions like assassins, right? Snipers. So we all have these capacities for aggression, for dominance, for submission. And so then if we have this capacity,

what is the healthy way to express it? And this is where a lot of kink, fetishism, BDSM, S&M kind of stuff comes in where it's like we have this sort of capacity to be ugly, right? We all as human beings have the capacity for good and evil within us. What is a healthy expression of our dominating capability? What is if I'm an alpha male, right? And like I'm very hyper aggressive in my job. I've worked with people who are like finance and CEOs and things like that.

And so they are activating their association. assertiveness all the time. But they want to be taken care of too. Your six foot four CEO multi-million dollar alpha male wants to be little spoon some of the time. But can't be little spoon in their job. Can't be little spoon with their wife. So instead they become little spoon with their dominatrix. They become little spoon with a prostitute. Seen it. Right. So we need some way to express all of these things. And, you know, a lot of, like, healthy partnered relationships involve this kind of back and forth, where one of y'all is the caregiver and one of y'all becomes the caretaker, and sometimes we flip-flop.

Okay? So this is where, you know, I'm going to just show one example of this, but due to the emphasis placed on negotiation and consent, BDSM activities involve a conscious othering of the partner. The explicit agreement to form a tandem between self and other is a unique feature that distinguishes alternative sexualities from other social situations that turn the other into a problem. So let me explain what this means. So if we look at like a lot of what's wrong in the world, we other other people, right? There's the us and there's the y'all. There's my tribe and there's your tribe. And we dehumanize other people. It's going, it's happening all over the place, right?

We see wars. We see this stuff like in, in the Middle East, Israel, Palestine, Democrats, Republicans, liberals, conservatives, like this race versus that race, Dota players versus law players, console enjoyers versus PC enjoyers, right? Alphas and betas. There's like, there's tribalism. We have this fundamental psychological capability of othering, other people. And generally speaking, when we other other people, that is harmful to them. We dehumanize them. We take away their humanity. And so I don't know if this makes sense, but like, if we think about it, like, this is happening all over the world because human beings have this capability. It is being expressed. I'm going to dehumanize you. So now we get, and this is what's really like scary about

this stuff, but I think this is really important to understand. We all have the capacity to other, other people. We all have the capacity to dehumanize other people. What do we do with that capacity? How does that capacity become expressed? Can it be expressed in a healthy way? Right? And this is where a lot of people say othering people is wrong, period. If you look at Jung, and there's, and Jung isn't alone in this, lots of people in psychoanalytic thought. And, you know, if you look at the psychology of like BDSM and Kink, what you will find is there is a healthy way of othering, that you can express this other incapability in a healthy sexual relationship, where one person is the master and one person is the slave.

Right? Because each of us has the capability of submission and each of us has the capability of dominance. And I don't know if this makes sense, but like when your union archetypes are not expressed properly, you're just like unhappy. Your life feels incomplete. You feel trapped by being a leader. Have you guys heard this phrase, heavy is the head that wears the crown? It's lonely at the top.

So you have these feelings of, and like, and is leadership good? Do people want to be leaders? Absolutely. But this is a great example of like, and this is why like, you know, a lot of leaders, like people will be like, what are you complaining about? What they're complaining about is the lack of their Jungian archetype expression. What they're complaining about is that we as human beings have all of these capabilities and faculties.

And unless we express them, actualize them, something is left missing. And I see this happen so much in relationships, right? This is why people become polyamorous. This is why people looking for open relationships, because they are trying to find expression of these different aspects of themselves with different people. And what Jung kind of points out, this is where things get really off the rails, but, you know, he talks about Sizgi

which I'm going to just this is an astronomical term okay so he talks about Sizgi and Sizgi is like it's kind of this idea of

you know a configuration of celestial bodies so where the latter is in conjunction or opposition right so like basically like that that the movement of a celestial body is in tandem with another celestial body. So a lot of this like fetish and kink stuff is about polarization.

So I'm going to become dominant. You're going to become submissive. If we talk about having a diaper fetish or scat fetish or something like that, right? It's like, I'm going to be the baby and you're going to be the mama. Or I'm going to be the mama and you're going to be the baby. So if we look at a lot of this fetishism, a lot of this kink stuff, there is sort of this tandem role, it's a chance for us to express certain relationship qualities within kink. Right? So this is why people become, get into kink. So there's a neurological angle,

there's a psychological angle, there's a self-expression angle. Now the question is, the original question is how do you talk to your partner about it? Is it related to trauma? So this is where I would say, you know, if you're, is it related to trauma, there is evidence that some kinks are related to trauma. And since we understand conditioning and stuff, I think you should by all means get your trauma healed. But if you continue to be aroused by this, I don't think that that arousal, the original trauma was damaging. Then you form the association. You heal this up here, but this association is resistant to extinction. It doesn't go away.

So it doesn't mean that expressing this over here is necessarily harmful. Does that kind of make sense? We want to heal the original trauma, but once you're wired, a certain way, now that concrete is kind of wired in that way. So if you want to continue to express it in a healthy, consensual fashion, I'd say go for it. Does that kind of make sense? So trauma can induce a kink, but even after we heal the trauma, the kink can persist, and that doesn't make the kink traumatic by nature. Make sense? Second thing, how do you talk about this? So there's a, let me find this paper.

Hold on. Okay. Go hard. Okay. So there's another thing. I'm going to just show you all our research poll because I think our research has done a really good job of explaining this. There's one other kind of angle, okay?

And in terms of sharing things with people. So masochism, submission and surrender. Massachism is a perversion of surrender. Contemporary psychoanalysis. So first thing is surrender and submission are antithetical, not synonyms. They're actually at opposite ends of the spectrum. surrender is when you let your guard down and allow yourself to be truly seen right so surrender is when i'm giving up i'm being vulnerable submission is giving yourself up to another person you shrink

you become what they want and identity fades so a surrender actually involves a showing of your identity with complete vulnerability submission means turning into something you are no longer you okay you all understand and this is what like this these are both parts of fetishism and king and really important to understand so sometimes i'm tired of being me and in a sexual in an intimate sexual setting what i can do is submit i can become something else i can other myself and that can actually feel really good because i don't want to be me sometimes i don't always want to be this person right if i've been married for 15 years and i'm paying a mortgage and i'm picking kids up from daycare and like stuff like that sometimes i want to just get railed really hard right and sometimes i just

want to have wild pat like i want to forget all this mortgage and all this stuff or i want to rail someone really hard this is the this is the mother of my kids and i love her and i respect her and all this kind of stuff but sometimes i really just want to um you know have that animalistic. And in that kind of scenario, there is like an othering going on, but there is a willful othering going on. There is a submission going on. Surrender is actually a little bit different.

Surrender is when I am, I'm showing you who I am. And this is what's scary about how do you talk to someone about your fetishes? Okay. Because when you talk to someone about your fetishes, what you're actually doing is surrender. not submission. You are showing this other person that you could be messed up, that there's a lot of social stigma, right? What if you have a fetish that is really revolting to most people? How do you talk about that? Are you sick? Are you ill? Hopefully I'm explaining to you all like how this works, right? The answer is like sort of, but not necessarily. So this is where we talk about this in the

guide, but there's one really good way to open up these conversations. Let's talk about pornography for a second. So pornography use in a relationship, there's studies that show that it's harmful. There are studies that show that it is neither helpful nor harmful, and there are studies that show that it is helpful. And one of the key ways that pornography is helpful is if people watch it together. So if you watch it with your partner, and this really is a clean way of opening up the conversation, right? If you're watching pornography with your partner, you can ask, hey, is there something that you want to try? Do you see anything on the screen that you'd ever want to try? Right?

So it's like, it's an easy way to like put your toes in the water. So I think once again, we talk about this in the guide as well where like you don't want to go from zero to 100. You kind of want to feel things out, right? Is there anything that you'd like to try in the bedroom? Do you have any fantasies, anything that you want to do, anything that you want to try? And oftentimes if you ask that question, they will ask in return. Right? And then that's where like you have to slow play it basically. Like you can't be like, yeah. I want you to bend me over and spank me. Right? Because there's also like there needs to be a lot of trust and safety, a lot of secure attachment is really important for people to kind of get into the role. And then this is also where like working with a coach or someone like that can be very helpful, right? Because people don't quite know how to do that. But I would say like ease your way into it and a lot of communication and a lot of feedback.

Can we try this thing? You know, and this is where I think a lot of people mess up because they pressure the other person. Right? And it's like, can we try this thing? Can we try this thing? Can we try this thing? Can we try this thing? I really want to do this thing.

And then I think there's a certain organicsness to the back and forth. So it's not, there isn't like, or at least I haven't been able to divine, you know, first you say this, first you say this. Then you say this. I think a good opportunity is if you, if you're watching pornography together and it includes something in the direction that you want to go, you can sort of offer that. Another thing is just simply asking them about if there's anything that they want to try. And then there's a whole bunch of stuff about this in the guide. Because a lot of times what happens is when we ask these kinds of things, it makes people deeply uncomfortable because there are social stigmas associated with it.

There are attachments associated with it. Right. So I worked with someone once who had a BDSM kink. and he is now divorced. But as he sort of shared this with his wife, she was not able, so he is a feminist, but she was not able to separate out that this is a healthy expression of a consensual relationship from this is like misogynistic,

hateful stuff towards women. She was not able to separate those two things out. And it just, even the fact that he asked was like too much for her. And she started seeing him in a particular light. She was like, oh my God, I can't believe you've been hiding this for me. I can't believe that, you know, you really are this way and that you've been lying. You've been like, you know, like I can't be married to someone who would degrade women in this way. And that's not really what it was for him.

I think he was genuinely a, you know, a pretty feminist dude. And arguably, maybe he wasn't. and there's some reaction formation and things like that, so things get a bit complicated there. But, like, that is a challenge, right? So I think this is where a really healthy communication, healthy communication is a prerequisite for broaching these kinds of subjects.

And then for people to really understand that, like, okay, the associations that you have with the fetish may not be true, right? Just because we tie these things together, there are all kinds of reasons why you may find this arousing that don't have anything to do with, your political affiliations or your beliefs about capitalism versus communism or anything like that, right? Which oftentimes things get muddled, right?

Yeah, I'm like, I'm into free society and free love and I'm an anarcho-sexualist, which means I get to put my penis wherever I feel like. And like, I think there's some associations there that I think are totally fine, like in terms of, you know, there's a certain philosophy that you can have for life. A philosophy that you have in life can find itself in sexual expression. But I think basically you've got to have conversations about it and you've got to really, here's the most important thing, pay attention empathically to someone's response, right? How are they receiving this? Okay. We'll take questions. But I, so if you guys have questions about Kink, let's answer them. Okay. So, okay. Wow, there's a lot of questions. Let's, okay, hold on, hold on. Okay, so do you think switching role in SM is better than not?

I don't, I, so this is what I'm trying to explain, okay? There is not a better or not better. Like, this is a complicated process. And you have to figure out what works for you and what works for your partner. And I know it's kind of like a non-answer, but my whole point in showing, you know, diagrams like this is like, hopefully this makes sense is switching roles in s&m better or not this is the answer y'all where is better or not better in here right it's a complicated process and this doesn't even begin to touch the jungian archetypes which is even like harder to understand okay so it's a

good question but i think that better or not is not something like this is what i'm saying is like you can't reduce this, or so far, I have not been able to way to reduce it to this is good and this is bad. What we do here at Healthy Gamer and this is what the whole guide is about, see, everyone's like, oh, you should do this. And I saw a comment in chat that, yeah, like every man wants to mate with multiple people, that is not a kink or a fetish, right? So there are all these like definitive statements about dating and relationships and sex. This is good, this is bad.

Someone else is saying, shouldn't we, shouldn't sex be viewed as something sacred that is purely for procreation, right? Valid question. You know, and what we try to do here at Healthy Gamer is not tell you this is good or this is bad. That sex is sacred and should be used for procreation, which I agree with. And sex is just an activity that you can do, which doesn't have to result in procreation, which I also agree with. So our job here is not to tell you this is good and this is bad.

Our job here is to equip you with the information so that you can decide for yourself. We want to teach you all competence, not morality, right? Is sushi better than an omelet? My approach is, I'm going to teach you how to make sushi. I'm going to teach you how to make an omelet. You make the value judgment. You decide for yourself. And this is where, like, I just want to show you all something.

So where is this? Hold on a second. I'm looking for something. Yeah. So I just want to show you all, like, why we do this, okay? So we took the most common questions that y'all have about love, sex, and relationships. And basically, like we did in this kink lecture, you know, is it a good idea to have my first time with a prostitute? How to deal with the wound of desiring to be desired, right?

I want to be lusted after. Being a hopeless romantic might just be my downfall. struggling with dating despite putting myself out there, right? Everyone's like, oh, just put yourself out there. How do I navigate the awkwardness with my crush? Is there a similar scientific perspective that we can take about how to navigate awkwardness? Okay? And so then what we did is we looked at the people in our community.

And we were like, what kind of people do we have? We have Neil the Nervous Novice, which is someone who has a lack of experience, feels like they're behind and is worried about catching up. Then there's Forever Alone Alvin. This guy's actually different. So Neil is early. He's maybe 21, maybe 22, maybe 23, maybe 24. It's not over for him, but the tunnel is shrinking. You know, the exit opportunity is shrinking. He's running out of time, but there's still a chance. Forever Alone, Alvin is, it's too late. He's forever alone. It's finished. The game has already been called. Game set match. And now he just has to cope. with being alone for the rest of his life.

Then there's Sam, the sexuality scientist. Let's look at papers. Let's go, Sam. Let's go. Sam is like, how does this work? What is the science of attraction? Okay. Then there's relationship improving Rachel,

which is like, I'm in a relationship, but how do I get better? And then there's consciously connecting Cal who's like, I want to feel like connected. And this is like someone who's maybe a little bit higher functioning, maybe gets laid a little bit more easily. like what is this deep spiritual connection? How does that work?

How do you find your forever person? How do you know that it's the one? Right? So there's like the optimizer in relationship. So, you know, then we like looked at like, okay, what are we covering? Building confidence in dating. How do you break paralysis? Reframing rejection.

Healing from hopelessness. Black pill, nice guys. Science behind attraction or sexuality. What really works? Communication in relationships. growing from relationships, inner growth after a relationship. How do you heal from attachment wounds? Right?

And so this was like, you guys saw, I showed you all one of Clark's research decks. But these are the questions that we set out to answer. Why do relationships fail? What are the most important qualitative and quantitative factors for a relationship success or failure? What leads to healthy progression in relationships? What separates people who have short-term relationships from people who have succeeded at transitioning to long-term relationships? Are there particular skill sets or approaches that allow people to succeed in relationships? What are the risk factors on why people have affairs or cheat?

What kind of personal problems do people try to solve within relationships? I have a hypothesis that people who try to solve personal problems, fix self-esteem, use relationships for financial support, use relationships as substitutes for therapy, do worse. What are men and women looking for? Let's do the research. What are they actually looking for in relationships? Right? And here's cool. Why do relationships feel, fail? The Gottman Institute, the theory of marital dissolution and stability from the Journal of Family Psychology.

And look at this. This is wild, dude. And then like stuff on chore play online versus in-person relationships. Right? What's the deal with the loneliness epidemic? We can look here. Historic and forecast ever-married shares by age and sex. So forecasts for men over 35.

Look at this. Look at this number. Look at this number. Right? Things are precipitating. Boom. People are meeting online. Met through friends.

This number is going down. Codependency. You know, flirting. We've got a whole stream about this. Right? Like, yes, average percentage of high schoolers who ever had sex dropped from 38% in 2019 to 30% in 2001. Here's the fifth research on parliamentary consensual non-monogamy and only fans. Right?

And there's the production. Like hundreds of studies, hours of scripting, me going out into the woods with all of this research, hundreds of research papers and writing this stuff out. Okay, this is me reading anime and animus, which I'm going to talk to you guys about. And then there's the thing. Okay? Shout to the depths. So the other thing is so much. Our part today is 4,000 or $1,700.

So we have a both-hour stream Friday. And this is how it's wild it. Okay. I'm going to, y'all. Oh my God. So you do. Let's go ahead. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Okay. Stream is lagging. Yeah, I know. I can see that. Oh, testing, testing. Testing? Fixing? Oh my God.

I may have to restart PC. Extreme lag. I agree. Hold on. Hey man, what's up? Yeah, no, I think I'm going to reboot. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. I'm going to reboot. Oh, it looks like it's back. Is it back? Okay. Let me just reboot. Give me a second chat. I'm going to reboot.

Okay. I think I'm back. I'm going to load up. Yeah, this looks way. better. I'm going to load up all my stuff. So we're going to open up chat first. Apparently you guys didn't see anything I was talking about, so. So let's open up chat link first. Talk to chat. Ain't the same without you, chat. Ain't the same without you. Am I still like, oh, I'm blurry. My face is blurry. No. There we go. I'm back.

Okay, this should work now, right? Am I good now? Blurmaxing? Dude, let's go. Okay, we're good. Yeah, okay, beautiful. Okay. You were downloading porn on the Wi-Fi?

Well, downloading porn shouldn't be a problem. It's the uploading porn. That's the issue, right? So I wanted to show you all something. I just went through this. This feels like dumb, but I'm going to do it again. I just want to show you all what we did. Okay.

So apparently this was a desinking audio. Audio not syncing. Refresh the browser. Refresh fix it. Okay. Refresh, chat. Refresh. Okay.

We're good. We're good. Okay. It looks like we're fine. I'm going to not just open up a bazillion things. But I want to show you guys this stuff, which I just talked about, which apparently was... Okay, so we built this guide. And I just want to show you all how we built it.

So it started with questions. This is like... I don't know if y'all... remember, but we had to restrict dating and relationship questions to one day a week because it was flooding our subreddit. Is it a good idea to have my first time with a prostitute? Right? I want to be desired, but I'm not. How do I deal with that? Struggling with dating despite putting myself out there, how do I navigate awkwardness? So a big part of this was like figuring out who y'all are and what you'll need. So Neil the Nervous Novice is someone who feels like they're behind is concerned that

they even if they have a shot, they're going to kind of screw it up. They don't know how to do it right. They don't know how to do it wrong. This is a good example, right? Neil the Nervous Novice, how should I have my first time with a prostitute? Will that actually help me? Then there's forever alone Alvin, who's someone who feels like the game is over. I've lost. I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. So how do we help someone like that? Sam, the sexuality. scientist is someone who loves bro science, loves science, wants to figure out what is the precise way in which I, how does, what is the physiology, neuroscience and psychology of sexual attraction falling in love, it's, things like that. Relationship improving Rachel has

different concerns. She's in a relationship, but she's concerned that her boyfriend is watching too much pornography or that he doesn't help out around the house. She's pregnant. She's worried that is going to play too many video games after they have a kid. How does she communicate with him? How does she maintain connection? And then there's consciously connecting Cal who's really interested in connecting deeply with people. It's not about getting laid.

It's not about simple communication things. But how do I form this sort of romantic deep attraction with people? And then we've had a lot of people on our side who were really trying to figure out, like what are the topics that we need to cover? How do we break paralysis? How do we challenge this just one fish in the sea mentality with endless swiping on dating apps with no real connection? What is the science behind attraction or sexuality?

And then here's the research stuff. This is what I wanted to show you guys. So these are the questions. When we build a guide like this, this is what we do. So I started with questions like this. Why do relationships fail? What are the most important qualitative and quantitative factors for relationship success or failure? What leads to healthy progression in relationships?

What separates people who have short-term relationships from people who have succeeded to transitioning to long-term relationships? I go on three dates, but I get ghosted. How do you handle? What are the risk factors in psychodynamic perspectives on why people have affairs and cheat in relationships? I want to talk about this for a second. Because everyone on the internet, if you look at social media, Instagram, TikTok, whatever, they'll say, these are the signs of a cheater. This is how you know someone's going to cheat if they do this, if they have female friends. it means that we're going to cheat.

What does the data actually say about risk factors for cheating in infidelity? So here's a wild one. One of the strongest risk factors for cheating is highly rigid defined gender roles. As the gender roles in the relationship get more polarized, the risk of infidelity for both men and women, this is heteronormative relationship. actually increases. So when you have an alpha male dating a trad wife, hypermasculine, hyperfeminine, this is a risk factor on both parties for infidelity.

Right? The actual data is insane. But people don't talk about that because it doesn't fit their narrative. And then we're all being fed terrible information going out into the world and no wonder we're running into trouble. What are the most important criteria for short and long-term relationships when separated by gender. All men want this.

All women want this. Right? And so this is the research. Why do relationships fail? This is a study from the Gottman Institute on a theory of marital dissolution and stability. Right. What leads to marital satisfaction? What leads to instability?

Stats on loneliness and sexlessness. Stats on dating. Stats on successful online versus in-person relationships. How are people actually finding partners today? Chore play. What are the things that men and women, there's this whole thing about chore play, is there, is there any reality to this? Stats on partnered people, screen time habits, number of friends, number of platonic relationships.

Right? So here is, here's what we kind of know. Actual men, rates of marriage, climbs, craters. Actual men at 35, climbs, craters. The forecast for men. is going down. And then women. Right? So, like, everyone is struggling.

Percentage of people who meet online has skyrocketed. By the way, this is only 45%. So even if you guys don't like online dating, a lot of people, just because online dating has caught up doesn't mean that people aren't meeting IRL. Online dating is about half of how people end up meeting. Stuff on codependency. you know, heterosexual couples who met online had higher odds of transitioning to marriage

compared to those who met offline. Couples who meet online actually get married faster than those who meet offline. Right. So this is a real in-depth analysis on flirting, types and models of love and addressing dead bedroom issues, more science on flirting, you know, science research on sexlessness. research on polyamory, consensual non-monogamy, and only fans. And then I went out to the woods with all of these papers, hundreds of studies, wrote stuff, you know, scripting things out, reading Anima and Animus by Emma Jung, and then the filming.

So devs, pre-orders are available. By the way, we already hit our first goal. 3,000 guides have been sold. We'd love to hit 4,000 today. We're at 3,792. And this is, yeah. So here's why we built this, TLDR. There's a bunch of information out there.

But what we've tried to do in the same way that we talked about fetishes and Kinks today is equip y'all with the actual information of what works and what doesn't work. Right? Instead of just consuming social media, rage bait opinions, like what percentage of people meet online? how do you move from a short-term relationship to a long-term relationship? If you keep getting ghosted after two dates, what should you do differently? What is it that creates the spark? And in the same way, it's not one study.

I want to be really clear about that. Just like with fetishism and kinks, you have a simple question. Is a fetish the result of trauma? Does that mean I should stop engaging in fetish behavior? And that's where like, no, it's more complicated than that. Can it be the result of trauma? Absolutely. But here's how sexual attraction forms.

Here's why people get into BDSM. It could be related to the way that they're neurologically wired. Here's why fear, anxiety, and exhibitionism increase sexual arousal, right? Excitement activates the sympathetic nervous system and gets commingled with sexual desire. And then there's all the Jungian archetype stuff. So that same level of depth and resolution looking at epidermin, Hemelogic studies, looking at psychology, looking at things from the Gottman Institute, looking at neurobiology, neuroscience.

What is the science of falling in love? My favorite thing, which I mentioned last stream, biggest thing I discovered in all of this is does the G-Spot exist? And the answer is beautiful. Yes, it exists, but not everyone has one. Mind-blown. Mind-blown. Right?

So for those of y'all that don't know, the G-spot is actually on the anterior wall of the vagina. Here's what's really interesting. The clitoral tissue, embryologically, okay, we're going to do some embryology. So if you look at the way that a human body develops, we're all female at the beginning. Androgens alter the development of tissue, right? So if you have, there's something called androgen insensitivity syndrome. So if you remove, if someone has androgens like testosterone, but their testosterone receptor doesn't work, they will develop female genitalia.

So in the absence of, it's the presence or absence of testosterone and androgens that basically separate female development from male development. And so the bundle of tissue that becomes the clitoris is the same bundle of tissue that that develops into the glands penis. That's the head of the penis. Okay? And so if you look at that bundle of nerves, the clitoris is on the,

basically closer to the anterior wall of the vagina. Does that make sense? So the clitoris is at the top of the vaginal, the clitoris is here. Here's the vaginal cavity. Right? So the anterior wall of the vagina is up here. So it's very close to the clitoris.

So some women have a connection between those two things, so that basically stimulating the anterior wall of the vagina is almost like clitoral stimulation. Right. So those literally sit right next to each other, the tissues can be connected, but not everyone has that kind of developmental difference. And so, like, this is wild. Like, we can actually, we can blur ourselves.

Get closer. What? Blurring stream. Hello. I wonder if I need it. There we go. Okay. So, like, these are the kinds of things.

So it's like, you know, if you're concerned about, and then we talk about sex too, right? So what, like, what is, like, how do you, how do you attain orgasm? How do you consistently achieve orgasm? What leads to good orgasms? And this is the kind of information that we're trying to give you all. And we really condense it. We break it down, make it really simple so that you guys can watch it all. And my goal, honestly, my goal in all of this was if you are someone doesn't matter which stage of a relationship you're in.

If you're in late stage, this is what made it so hard. If you're in the late stage of relationship, let's say you've been married for 15 years, we still want to equip you with why a first date falls in love. Right? If you go on one date and the two people fall in love, what is the neurochemistry of that? Because if you're in a relationship for 15 years, we want to recreate that. that. Regain the spark. And if you're someone who has never been on a day before and or a virgin, we still want to teach you the advanced communication skills that you need later in a relationship. So that when you get that one shot, right? So this is what like really, really sucks.

I don't know if you guys feel this way, but I work with so many people. It's tragic. And I think about myself too. The scariest thing about being inexperienced in relationships is that you will not be competent when you meet the one. That's what's really scary. It's not the scariest thing. There's so many things that are scary. But like, some people have this fear, right?

That when you get your shot, when you do find this mythical person who's so hard to find, there's one person out there. I believe in soulmates. But what if you don't know how to make a woman come and you meet your soulmate? Then what?

Gigi? What if you don't know what is the basis of falling in love within the first three dates? What is that spark? Right? So this is what's so hard. It's like hard to find that person. Right.

And so what we're trying to do is equip y'all with the ability of like if you're behind, like we're still going to teach you all the stuff so that you are prepared for when that comes. Unicorns exist? I mean, I think so. TVH. Okay. So thank you guys so much for supporting. us, we're almost at 3,800, so we really appreciate that.

Just a quick heads up that, you know, when we, here's what we do with the money. So this we built because, you know, you guys asked for it, all these questions. But then we basically, 3,000 covers the cost of the guide. 4,000 allows us to add streams. We're piloting a new secret show. we want to start publishing what we do in academic journals that requires a whole research infrastructure we want to start training more clinicians we've sort of invested in that already but like and then we've been working on an app for about two years and so basically like you know we

the money that we make we invest in these goals so we're moving forward on this stuff the more that you all support us the faster we can move and the more that we can do but we're already committed to doing all of these things and it's just about when and how fast. So thank you guys so much for all the support. Yay, we crossed 3,800. Thank you guys so much. Okay, let's get to more questions. Yes? Yes. Oh, crap. I just realized. Y'all had questions about fetishes and stuff that I had to restart and I lost. But let's do a couple of these questions and then we can, y'all can ask whatever. We'll do, we'll do, no, it's not We're selling guides, y'all.

And, oh, by the way, there's a discount. I think for about another week. You guys can get $5 off. Okay? All right. We answered this one. As someone who's trying to be a virgin until marriage for religious reasons, I've had trouble trying to deal with the obvious want for sexual connection coming from

both sides in my relationships before marriage. How can I manage this? Oh, man. Oh, what a rough situation to be in. Okay. So I've worked with people. I've had clients, patients, et cetera, who basically are saving themselves until marriage. And this is challenging to navigate.

If you're someone who's trying to save yourself or wait until marriage to engage in a sexual relationship, this is becoming increasingly difficult because people are having sex earlier. A lot of times people are, you know, having sex without entering into a relationship. we have friends with benefits, things like that, one night stands. And everyone has this idea of sexual compatibility. Right? So I need to know ahead of time whether I'm going to be sexually compatible. What's really, really scary is like, what if I end up with someone that I'm not sexually compatible with?

I, like, that's like, that's a deal breaker, right? Obviously, like, oh my God. Like, what if we don't have a good sexual relationship? So I think sexual compatibility is a thing. But I think the biggest mistake that people make isn't assuming that it is static. So I want you all to understand this. So there's a video that we have in the guide about. See, people think I've been in a relationship with this person for 20 years.

You can't be in a relationship with this person for 20 years. Every day that goes by, your epigenetic expression changes. You age one day. You learn something. you get a tiny bit traumatized, you are not the same person that you were yesterday. Your partner is not the same person that they were yesterday. And one of the biggest reasons that relationships fail is because people don't realize that a relationship is a new thing every single day.

I'm different, you're different, we are different. And so a lot of sexual compatibility is not about the way that you fit today, It is about becoming sexually compatible. Can your sexual preferences change over time? Can your partner's sexual preferences change over time? Can your sexual skill change over time? Can your partner's sexual skill change over time? Is the person that you're going to be married to 10 years from now,

the same person that you married today? Yes and no. So one of the really scary things that I see a lot in that's like changing is people sort of assume that compatibility is determined now. And sure, you can start off really compatible, but if you are really compatible and you have premarital sex, does that correlate with an increased rate of length of marriage? Does that correlate with a change in divorce rate? I have no evidence of that. This is what's absolutely insane, right?

I'm not saying that it doesn't. I'm just saying I've never seen any evidence that sexual compatibility, because a lot of people can be sexual compatible, they may still get divorced. I find it hard to believe that there isn't some impact. But I've, I mean, as a psychiatrist, I've seen the inside of a ton of relationships that have amazing sexual chemistry, but don't have everything else. Right. So we don't actually know. So a couple of things is, I think, you know, a healthy sexual relationship is oftentimes a huge part of something like a marriage. But I think this is where don't make the assumption that you need to assess that ahead of time.

I don't think it needs to be done. So if you look at cultures where you have things like arranged marriages like Indian culture, for example, and this is where things get a little bit sticky because divorce rates in Indian culture are low, but I get into arguments with people of the generation above me all the time that just because a divorce rate is low doesn't mean that those are good marriages. Divorce has a lot to do with the ability to financially survive independently, which a lot of women in India don't have, so you still have these abusive marriages, which is low divorce rate, but terrible marriage.

So the first thing is there isn't like a right answer or a wrong answer. Second thing is, I think ultimately you're picking a person, not a set of genitals, in my opinion. Right? Maybe I'm wrong. Like if you're looking for a set of genitals, then all the more power to you. And I think that really what I've seen doing some amount of things like sex therapy and stuff like that, it's not my forte, but I've had patients who have sexual difficulties, is that people grossly underestimate the change that is possible. Right. As you start to learn about your partner, as you start to educate yourself, as you discover where the clitoris is, sexual compatibility can change drastically. There's another element that I think we don't talk about much, which is shared development. So one of the things that I think is really nice when human beings get together at a young age, they develop together. Right?

So we develop the symbiosis, and I think a big problem that I see in relationships is that you have one fully formed person, another fully formed person, and then they have to fit. and fitting is really hard when we're like solidified. Whereas when we have two people that haven't figured out their lives, it's not like I have my career and you have your career, we are both figuring our careers out. Then there's an opportunity for us to grow together. So I'll give you all a simple example from my life about this. Like, you know, when my wife and I started dating, I was pre-med. I wanted to become a monk, actually.

So, and then she didn't really believe I was going to do that. And then I was pre-med. And then like, we weren't sure if I was getting. into medical school and she had a career and then I was trying to like figure my shit out. And then like finally I got into med school and then she was like, okay, her city of choice was New York. My city of choice was Boston. And she was like, I only got into one place in Boston.

So she was like, okay, I'll move. Right. So she like sacrificed her career for my sake. And then when it came time for residency, I was like, look, I did pretty well in medical school. We can basically go wherever you want to. We can go back to New York. We can go to Columbia.

We can go to Stanford. We can go wherever. And she's like, no, like, let's prioritize your career. Like, you really want to do this stuff. So, like, let's do Harvard. And so she stuck around there. And then, you know, when I was finishing up, she was like, yeah, I want to, so she quit her job. And then later she was like, I want to get an MBA.

So then we like, you know, so then we structured our life around that. So now it's like I'm a resident and I have to pay for an MBA. And so I started moonlighting a lot and like working weekends and things like that, like working a lot of extra shifts in the ED, which I think was actually fantastic for lot of reasons. I just saw so many more patients. When you go into a hospital on Friday night and you leave Sunday morning and you're the sole psychiatrist in the hospital, you just see so many patients. And it's like great in terms of grinding XP. So I think that, you know, this idea of sexual compatibility, which we have all these assumptions that you need to know this ahead of time,

is it useful to know it ahead of time? Absolutely. But I think that you don't have to, Like, there are all kinds of compatibilities that you can develop, right? Compatibility is something you can work towards. Now, it's a hard sell for many people, right? So if you're someone who's interested in waiting until marriage, I say all the more power to you, it can be really challenging when, you know, you have a partner who doesn't want to wait. But I've seen that work really successfully, too, where, like, ultimately it's about the person. And that's also where, like, we don't need to be dating,

for six years. Like, we can get married a year after meeting. I think go for it. Like, I think some of this rash stuff is not actually a bad idea. It's not the bad idea we make it out to be. Where I have to really know someone I need to know all the ins and outs of this person before I get married. I don't believe that.

I think a lot of it is like learning along the way, growing along the way, how flexible you are, how adaptable you are. I think one of the biggest reasons why rates of marriage and relationships are shrinking, there's a lot of economic reasons, first of all. It's just a mess out there. I think number one reason why people don't have kids is because it's expensive. But I think the biggest thing is that

we're looking for someone who fits my life. And everybody else is looking for someone, they want me to fit theirs. But I think a healthy long-term relationship is not about having me fit plug into your life or you plug into my life. It's about building a life together. Right? So I think just letting people know transparently, this is something I have religious beliefs. I understand this is a deal breaker for a lot of people.

You know, I'm interested in a healthy sexual relationship with my partner one day. And I think you can accelerate the fucking timeline. Hey, 3822. Let's go. Thank you guys so much. Okay? Let's do, I'm going to look at questions. Questions about this or about kink. I'm going to need them again because I had to restart. I apologize. Okay. Kind of insane being responsible for another human being. Yes, it is.

But it's awesome having someone else be responsible for you. Here's the thing. It's kind of insane having somebody else being responsible for another human being. Here's the wild thing. It is so much easier for you to be... I don't know if this is actually true, but like, it is so much easier. for me to take care of my wife than it is for me to take care of myself.

And it is so much easier for her to take care of me than it is for her to take care of herself. So that kind of makes sense. Like for me anyway, like it's easier for me to cook a healthy meal for her than it is to cook a healthy meal for myself. And there's a lot of cool, you know, research on this. Like one of the really interesting studies I remember seeing set of studies is about how, see, when we're depressed, we need a lot of help. but one of the one thing that has been shown to consistently improve symptoms of depression

is helping somebody else. I think it's actually easier to take care of somebody else than it is to take care of yourself. And it is amazing. It is easier for somebody else to take care of your stuff than it is for you to take care of your stuff. Does that make sense?

It's kind of just how we're wired as humans. It's like so bizarre, right? It's tough. Yeah, we're social creatures. I believe he only reads Twitch chat. Okay, can you help me understand why so many men

are into simulating incestuous relationships like father and daughter? I posted this before, but stream died. Yeah, the short answer is, I don't know, but we can try to answer this, okay?

So if y'all caught the lecture on kink and fetishism, so a lot of like steps daughter, stepbrother kind of thing. So remember that when we start getting horny, the things that are the objects of our horniness is what we get wired to like. So if you all remember that study, this is a crazy study. So what they did is it took a bunch of rats and they took female rats and they put the

scent of a cadaver, the scent of a rotting, rotting flesh on a female rat. And they had male rats mate with the female rats nine times. And once the male rat got used to that scent, that is what they found arousing. So when we are developing into sexual creatures, the object of our sexual attention will be what we get wired to find attractive. So in terms of stepbrother, step daughter, step whatever, right? So if I'm a stepbrother and I have a step sister and I hit puberty and there is a, an object of sexual activation, I wouldn't even call it desire, in my vicinity, that is what I will find attractive.

Now, in terms of the more father-daughter stuff and things like that, some of that remember, so this is the other really scary thing about trauma is when we get traumatized, we form that association. Our brain, those two dots in our brain get connected, and this dot is very resistant to extinction. We saw that study, too. So this is why people who are abused will oftentimes find unhealthy things sexually activating because their brain gets wired in that way. So resistant to extinction doesn't mean that it can't be extinguished and all kinds of other things. And then the last thing is there's a lot of data. We talked about this too,

that activating our adrenaline system when we are aroused increases. our sexual excitement and gratification. So anything that is forbidden, anything that is scary, anything that is dangerous for some people, right? So when we get sexually excited, we activate our sympathetic nervous system, heart rate goes up, pupillary dilation, blood pressure goes up, respiratory rate goes up. My blood is pumping. I'm excited.

I'm aroused. I don't just mean sexually. I mean literally my body and my physiology is activated. anything else that activates that physiology, fear, anxiety, danger will drive up that sexual desire, that sexual activation. So a lot of stuff that is forbidden is arousing for that reason. So I think in terms of like, you know, why is there so much stepbrother, stepdaughter, whatever, I think it's a combination of those two things.

And what I think is actually really interesting is when you look at the research, we can now even Make a prediction that things that are forbidden and activate the sympathetic nervous system for a subset of people will be sexually arousing. That as we acclimatize, as we develop tolerance to standard sexual stimuli, when I get inundated with sexual stimuli from watching pornography every day, I need something more hardcore extreme or extreme to activate me. That's why. Really cool, because we can look at these fundamental, you know, we can look at the science behind it, and we can see why this is the case. Okay, so how can you identify being in the friend zone? We'll talk about this. Okay.

How can you identify being in the friend zone? Can you leave it? How to navigate feelings for a close friend you want a relationship with when they're recovering from bad previous ones. Okay, so we have a great. We have a great lecture. So I've done videos on YouTube about the friend zone, but frankly, I did a lot more research into the friend zone for the guide. So there's a good video about non-standard relationships. So non-standard, we cover the friend zone, we cover polyamory, non-consensual monogamy.

So there are a couple of basic things that you need to understand about the friend zone. Romantic connection comes from shared emotional experience. So everyone's like, oh, movies make terrible first dates. You guys remember back when people used to get together, like back in the 70s and 80s, first date would be a movie. And nowadays we scratch our heads and we say, movie is a terrible first date. You don't get to know anyone. You can't know the person.

You just sit next to them and you're passively consuming this. You don't get to know anyone. Exactly. That's how you fall in love. You don't fall in love by getting to know someone. That makes sense? Getting to know someone feels like a job interview. What do you do this?

Do you like this? Do you like this? That's not what love is. Love is not about shared interests. Love is about shared emotion. So literally we can look back at the 70s and 80s when people used to go on movies for first dates. They would fall in love faster. They would get married faster.

They would have more long-term relationships. If that is true, there must be a reason. And the reason is really simple. Shared emotional experience. when I laugh at something and you laugh at something, we form a bond. When I'm scared by something and you are scared by something, we form a bond. Ape have feeling. Ape have same feeling.

Apes work to apes who feel the same, get together. Right? And if we look at social media, we see this. All men are toxic. Who do I bond with the other people who share that feeling? All women are deceptive. Who do I bond with other people who share that feeling? Right?

And we're tight. Shared emotional experience. Now, let's look at the friend zone. What we see in the friend zone is not shared emotional experience. What we see in the friend zone is you have just been dumped by your toxic boyfriend. You are feeling really sad. I am feeling very supportive. I'm not feeling sad.

I'm feeling hopeful, right? You're devastated, but for me, this is a fucking opportunity. And then they make the statement, I wish I could find someone like you. And you're like, I'm someone like me and I'm right fucking here. Why doesn't that connection happen? Why isn't there a spark? They say they want someone like me. But the emotions are actually opposite.

I am feeling strong. You are feeling weak. So I learned this lesson the hardest way being an attending physician at a drug rehab, two drug rehabs. And people were falling in love all the time. Like, don't fall in love. Why were they falling in love all the time? Because we're sharing traumatic experiences. Here's my experience of addiction.

And I felt so down in the pits. And somebody who's sitting across from me in group therapy has the same experience. They're like, I know exactly how you feel. I felt like crap too. You feel like crap, I feel like crap. Oh my God, they're fucking again. Shared emotional experience. And if we look at what happens in the friend zone,

it is oftentimes those moments of connection, the moments of deep connection are not shared emotional experience. There are oftentimes, if we look at platonic relationships and those kinds of relationships, we don't oftentimes feel the same way, right? So when my bro gets dumped, we're going to support him,

but we're not dumped? Does that make sense? So in a platonic relationship, oftentimes what happens is we balance each other's emotion. We complement each other's emotion. But in a romantic experience, it's fundamentally different. We have to feel the same way. This is why people will say, and there's so much evidence laced throughout our culture. There is a thin line between love and hate.

You fight very intensely, and then you make love very intensely. Make up sex is the next sex. Why? Think about it. It doesn't make any sense. You'd think, oh my God, if you're fighting, why would you, what? Huh? This fighting is over here.

Being in love is over here. How do these? What? These should be opposite. No, they're right here. They're very close. We are both angry with each other. Shared emotional experience.

We are both lustful towards each other. Shared emotional experience. Shared emotional experience. So if you're in the friend zone and you get dumped and you're devastated and your friend gets dumped and they're devastated, then that's the best opportunity that you have to actually get together. And we see this all the time, right? So like I'll give you all another anecdotal example. Man and woman are married. Woman tragically dies of, let's say, breast cancer. Woman's sister is around. Man is grieving. Woman's sister is grieving. They fall in love.

So many examples of this. There are other elements to the friend zone too. but this is the key thing that you have to understand. There needs to be a shared emotional experience, mutual attraction. You're super in love with them. They're not in love with you at all. Huge emotional gap. It is not the fact that they are in love or that you're in love. It is the gap between y'all's emotional experience.

That's what has to be bridged, right? And it can be bridged. If you start engaging in activities that create shared emotional experiences, but this is not like going on a date, pretending to go on a date, bringing them flowers, things like that. It's like you'll go somewhere, you'll split the bill. It'll increase your chances, I believe. You know, there are other elements to this as well because there are many people I've worked with who will start off as friends and then they develop a sense of safety with someone,

right? What's the counter argument? There are cases that isn't straightforward like yes or no, right? Isn't black or white. So oftentimes as people feel safe, with someone. This is especially true of women who are, will date guys who are friend zone, which happens all the time, by the way. It happens way more than people like to acknowledge. They feel safe with this person, and then something changes. They usually have some kind of experience,

which allows them to see them in a safe light, in a new light. But the safety is there. The comfort is there, right? So that can help you to be a known quantity. So I think this was a scary statistic. One out of three women, I think, are sexually assaulted within the last two years or something. I don't, don't, it's, it's quoted properly in the guide, but I'm rusty now because there's like a thousand statistics in there. Right. So safety is a huge issue. But that's the friend's own, boys and girls. Great question. Do you agree with the, what about power dynamics? Do you agree with the quote, everything is about sex, but sex is about power? No.

I think people who believe that everything is about sex, that says more about them than it does about the rest of the world. I think sex can be, sex and power can be very closely tied. I think for some people, a lot of things are about sex. But I don't think that that's true. I think that, I mean, I don't know how to hell is to say this. Like, let me show you all. What was I looking at? I think the Fowse paper.

Okay. I'll show you all real quick. Right. So if we go back to this, I do not fundamentally believe that this diagram can be reduced to a statement. Everything is about sex and sex is about power. I think it's more complicated. There's dopamine, there's oxytocin, there's noraphyan, right? There are all these different parts of the brain.

I don't think everything is about sex. I think there's a type of person who overvalues power in relationships in the world, right? They exist on the axis of power. They're the powerful and the weak. But if you look at like a two-year-old child at daycare, they're not obsessed with power. Right? They're like playing with a horse. Sometimes there's a power dynamic.

I want that horsey. You have that horsey. I want that horsey. Let's fight over it. That can happen. But there's a lot of creativity. There's appreciation of art. There's a really nice matcha or a really nice cup of coffee.

There's getting into bed with a, you know, a really nice blanket. Getting the air conditioner down low. That's not, I mean, I guess you could say that's about power in the sense of like you have the power to do that. But I think life is also about. art and beauty and all kinds of other things, but some people are really, really obsessed with power. And that is, I don't know if this makes sense, that what they are, for those of you all that remember this, cathexically attached to is power, lore, right? That's what that is. If you guys have seen the video on decathexus and cathexus, people get obsessed with the idea

of power, and then sex becomes a form of that. But no, I don't think that. Okay. What if I have a kink that is unacceptable like somnophilia that makes me feel like a monster and to just want to stop liking? So, if you have a kink, there are two things to understand. Okay?

The first is the way that you feel about it. And the second is the way that your partner feels about it. So, you know, there is some amount of sexual stuff that correlates with trauma, low self-esteem, things like. that, right? So sometimes we will use sex as a way to manage emotions, feelings of powerlessness, things like that. Right? So when I work with people who are, you know, into things like somnophilia, what I'll ask them is, what about this turns you on? And it's all kinds of things. For somnophilia, it's not being seen. For somnophilia, it's power. I think oftentimes for things

like somnophiliates, I think I'm disgusting. So what is the safest kind of sexual encounter you can have? One where the other person is unconscious. They can't see your disgusting ass. So with something like somnophilia, that's something where if you consider it revolting, and I'm not making a moral judge, it's not my place to say that that is morally just or not just. What I think is okay and not okay is consent and not consent. That's my line, right? But I've worked with people who are like, yeah, you know, they'll discuss consent while asleep. Like, hey, if I'm feeling frisky, is it okay if I climb on top of you? Right? And that's a consent conversation that you can have. But I think when someone has somnophilia and they have a lot of self-judgment, this is the,

this is the healthy way to deal with a fetish that is bad, let's say, is to first solve whatever psychological difficulty is. And then let's see what's left over. Right. So a good example is, you know, I've worked with people who have BDSM kink and were sexually abused growing up. And so what we do is heal the trauma and we see what's left over. Sometimes healing the trauma resolves the kink. Sometimes healing the trauma doesn't resolve the kink.

And then that becomes a whole different, difficult conversation because now it's like, what is this thing? Why am I still this way? And that's where we have a different conversation, which is like, hey, can you be healed and just enjoy it? Guilt free because you like it. Can you embrace it? And for some people, there's additional trauma work that needs to be done. For some people, they can. Right?

So first work on your self-esteem. first become confident in who you are, and then see what's left over. And then there may be, I'm not fully familiar with somnophilia and exactly what it entails or what that term means. I have a certain conception of it. And then, like, I think the right way with any kind of fetish or kink is to have a healthy conversation with your partner, where you focus on the fundamentals like consent, things like that. Right? And we talk about consent, by the way, in the guide.

So how do you have consent conversations? Right? So heal first. And then if you're still feeling frisky afterward, then have a conversation about it. Okay. What about a friend zoning situation where a girl leads a guy pretends to be genuinely interested, reciprocates flirting, but ultimately never allows it to become a relationship? This is such a great question. What about friends owning situation where a girl leads a guy pretends to be genuinely interested, reciprocates flirting, but ultimately never allows it to become a relationship? So I'm going to do something a bit weird. We're going to analyze this question. I really like this question. It's a really good one.

Okay? Love this question. So what I'm going to do is ask y'all versus interested. How do you tell the difference between someone who pretends to be genuinely interested and someone who is interested? Reciprocates flirting, interest then wanes. Reciprocates. but ultimately never allows versus decides after exploration that they don't want to buy the car.

Right. So here's my question for you all. This is a really great. How do we know if someone pretends to be genuinely interested or is interested at one point and then their interest wanes? or if they ultimately never allow, they are interested in a relationship, but then ultimately decide that they don't want to pursue one. Right? I'm really curious. Like, how do you all understand these differences?

Let's see. Right? So, okay, so like, see, this is what I think is really damaging. This is why we teach stuff in the way that we do. because I think this question is damaging in its premise. I don't blame people for having it. Everyone has it. Everyone thinks this way.

Right? But here's the key thing to understand. So there's a couple of really brutal things about this. The first is that 50% or more, I think 50% to 60% of people on Tinder are in relationships. 50% to 60% of, I think, women on Tinder, use Tinder to fulfill psychological needs outside of finding a partner. There are studies that show this. So sometimes, you know, when someone is flirting with you,

expresses some degree of interest, there is absolutely a case where this person is actually from the get-go, not interested in a relationship. What they're interested in is attention. What they're interested in is a pump for their self-esteem. What they're interested in is a distraction. Entertainment. And there are studies on this.

And it's not just women, by the way. It's men do this too. Right. If you think about being a human, having the affections and interest of another person, having some playfulness with another person is absolutely a form of engagement. So this scenario does. exist. And what I don't like is when people look at situations like this and they're like, yeah, it's all in your head. You're getting mixed signals. They're genuine. No, not everyone is

genuine all the time. Right? And this is what's really scared. This study literally looked at Tinder. And I think it's over 50% of people appear to be using Tinder for women. This was a study that was looking at women on Tinder for psychological needs outside of dating. Just because there is a portion of that population doesn't mean that it's the majority of people. And this This is what I think is kind of interesting is that, see, we're assuming, if you look at this, this, if you look at this question, it assumes staticness. This, I think, is the biggest mistake that people make. I mean, I say biggest so many times, but this is a huge one, is they assume that a person is static. You wanted to play this video game today.

You don't want to play it tomorrow. You wanted to be an engineer today. You want to be an artist tomorrow. You want to go to the gym today. You want to eat healthy. I want to have chicken breast and broccoli today. I want to have a hamburger with chili cheese. Chili cheese burger tomorrow.

Human beings fluctuate. And somebody else will fluctuate. And there are absolutely people who sort of intentionally leave people on. I've absolutely seen cases of people who will like basically have their self-esteem oxygen tank. They are somewhat narcissistic, have someone in their life that when they're feeling low on oxygen, they just plug into the oxygen tank, they take a puff. This can be a friend. It can be the friend that doesn't respond to you unless they need something.

And it's not even something overt. They need something psychologically. I'm feeling stupid at work today. So let me go call my friend who's more pathetic than I am and I can feel better in proximity to them. or it is a man or a woman who leads someone on who is a source of psychological safety. Here's my, it's almost like they're like a safety net for when I'm doing bad in relationships. And sometimes we consider that to be friendship. But friendship is reciprocal.

How do you tell the difference? The difference is really simple. What do they do for you? Are they there for you when your life is hard? Or are you basically not even a punching bag? are you the person that they hang out with to make themselves feel better? That happens too. Right?

But people fluctuate. And here's the key thing. What's really scary about this, the reason this is so common is because this is normal. Not this characterization. What is normal is the characterization that I'm offering, which is someone is interested, explores interest, reciprocates flirting, absolutely. So flirting, we're going to do a whole stream. about it. Flirting is how you gauge whether this person is a good fit for you. Flirting is how

is sampling the other person. That's literally what it is. So let's understand what flirting is. TLDR. Flirting is your ability to engage the other person empathically. Does this person get you? Are they able to play with you? Are they able to read your signals? Are you able to read their signals? Can they make you feel comfortable? Can they make you laugh? Can they express interest? Flirting is a dance back and forth. And if you don't flirt well in response, if you don't flirt in the right way that accelerates the relationship, then someone will back off because the flirting does it. There's no chemistry in the flirting.

We try. And when you say never allows, they just decide after exploring a relationship, right? I'm going to go to the car dealership. I'm going to sit on the inside. Okay, now I like this kind of car. Let's take it for a test drive. for a test drive, I don't really like the way that it feels. Is it normal for people to look at prices, look at stats, sit in a car, take a test drive

and decide not to buy it? Yes. Here's the other crazy thing. What is more common for someone to test drive a car and not buy it or to test drive a car and buy it? 8 to 1. Statistics I pulled right out of my bum. For every one car that you purchase, you will test drive between 4 and 8.

You will take a look at even more. That's what dating is like. Right? So this process of expressing interest in flirtation is the equivalent of test driving for a relationship. And it's not that they're pretending. I mean, sometimes they are, which we talked about. It's that this is the process of figuring out whether you fit or not. What is that supposed to look like?

Right? And for some people, this is really frustrating. There's a lot of people who are like, fine with the arranged marriage. They're like, this is my person. I'm into this person. We met today. We're getting married tomorrow. Great.

I'm going to make it work. Great question. Right? So just remember that people are not static. People change their minds. Okay? All right. Yeah, ambiguity is absolutely necessary.

We're going to talk about that in our flirting stream. Ambiguity is a feature of flirting, not a shortcoming. Should I tell my partner about my kinks, even though it might discuss them? I would not. So this is the other thing. Okay. Here's the thing about community. communication. Should I do this? Yes or no? Not the right way to do it. You should test the

waters. Right? So you don't go. So this is like why, like, you know, we have a video where I say, like, you shouldn't confess your feelings. And the reason that confessing your feelings doesn't work is because this person is at zero feeling. You're at 100 feeling. The gap between that is huge. It's a lot for someone to take. Right? If we look at how relationships evolve, they're at zero. You're at 20. Like, hey, I'm kind of into you a little bit. Flirt. a little bit. As you guys flirt, they move to 10, you move to 30. Flirt a little bit more. Hold hands. They move to 20. You move to 40. Hey, I really want to take you out. Now you're jumping to 60. But they're already at 20 or 30. So they're willing to meet you there. I've been in love with you

for 100 years for lifetimes. Love me back. I'll show you the world. I'll do this. I'll do that. I'll do that. There's so many women like, you know, men will show up and they'll be like, I will treat you like a queen. I will treat like a princess. I will take you everywhere. I will do all this for you. And like so many women I've worked with are like, that's a huge turnoff. Huge turnoff. Someone's trying to be controlling. They're trying to be manipulated. They're trying to love on me. Dudes think that they're offering the world, which they are, but it turns people off in a weird way. So you want to match people's emotional energy. That's at the top of the list. So should you reveal, confess your fetish? Maybe not 100%. Right? Break your fetish up into six chunks.

and then share the first bit and see how they respond. Once again, ask them, hey, is there anything that you'd like to try? Yeah, don't come on too strong. That's a, that's, the problem with too strong is that it's about, it's not about empathic connection. Isn't testing the waters and getting turned down already going to make you feel suppressed? So we talk about this too in the guide. You all should definitely check this out about emotional regulation. I think we actually showed it on stream and dealing with rejection.

So there's a whole process, an evidence-based process to deal with rejection. In the way that you feel when you get turned down is more about you than it is about them, right? So are you comfortable sharing 10% of yourself? Are you comfortable sharing 20% of yourself? Or do you need to go from 0 to 100? Is anything less than a full confession unsatisfying to you? Yes, obviously. That doesn't mean it isn't bad.

I mean, it isn't good to do that. And this is what really bothers me. Like, I think there's a subtle thing. So there's some really interesting studies on polyamory and consensual non-monogamy, where there are some studies that show that basically it's fine. It leads to better. So if you study, if you survey people who are in polyamorous relationships, the people in polyamorous relationships will say that I am more satisfied than in a monomerous.

monogamous relationship. So if you look at that study in isolation, you may think, okay, so polyamory is good. But the problem with studies like that is that they don't sample all the people who did not succeed in a polyamorous relationship. There's this huge survivorship bias. Right? We're doing a survey of people who are in relationships. Not all the people who were in monogamous relationships.

They tried to convert to polyamory and then they fell apart. They're not a part of the study. We don't detect that signal. What I get concerned about in polyamory is more of like a yogic thing, which is you say, okay, I want sex with multiple people. Fine. What is your relationship to want? Right? Because when we look at things like, I want to eat a hamburger, I want to never work a day in my life.

I want other people to bring me piles of money. Where did servicing our wants? become the North Star. Because in my experience, as a psychiatrist, addiction professional, as someone who struggled with addiction, servicing our wants is a really quick way to become very unhappy.

Right? So this is the key thing. I think if someone is, you know, I'm not anti-polymery or non-consensual monogamy. I think, though, that there is, it's not, for some people, it's good and healthy.

For some people, it's not good and healthy. That's what the data seems to suggest. And what troubles me actually about it the most is this idea that when I want something, I should gratify it. That to me sounds indulgent, which some amount of indulgence is really good. Love a certain amount of indulgence. But when you stop regulating your wants in relationships, that's when things become problematic. A huge part of healthy relationships is actually regulating your wants, giving up your wants,

being content with what you have. So it's challenging. Okay. Yeah. So we have, there's a question, what do you do when you have libido loss after a stressful situation? And the good feelings are just not there

and it feels mechanical for a month. And the threshold of stimulation is very high. So I don't know if you guys saw this. I think there was a question about this too. Yeah. So we had a question about this, right? I'm a 23-year-old one. woman, I'm in a very healthy relationship with my girlfriend, but since three months ago, I have

not been sexually aroused or had any sex thoughts. I love her a lot. She's sad that she can't make me happy anymore. What do we do about this? So we have a couple of, I have two parts of the guide are actually common male sexual problems where we cover erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, low libido, you know, a lot of people think, oh, men are always down to have sex. That's not true. And then we also cover common female problems in sex, including hypoactive sexual desire disorder, things like vaginismus, which is muscle spasm of the entry point of the vagina, which makes intercourse painful. So there's a lot of things that we cover that, like, people don't know. In hypoactive sexual desire disorder, low libido, dead bedroom, we cover all of these topics.

So the short answer is it's complicated. But let me see what I can pull together right now. Okay, so ebbs and flows of desire, a qualitative exploration of contextual factors affecting sexual desire and bisexual lesbian and straight women. I swear to God, we did not pick this question. We did not find this paper after we got this question. And we didn't pick this question because we got that paper. You guys upvoted this.

So this is what I like about the guide is that we have done a lot of the homework. And so many answers are in there. When desire fades. Women talk about their subjective experience of declining sexual desire in loving long-term relationships. Let me ask the boys in the audience who are in a long-term sexual relationship and struggling with dead bedroom. This is something for us to know. Okay. Holding on to womanhood, a qualitative study of heterosexual women with sexual desire loss.

Qualitative exploration of declining sexual intimacy among married men and women. Right? Women aren't the only ones who lose sexual desire over time. Strategies for mitigating sexual desire discrepancy in relationships. Holy base. Now we're talking about how to actually fix it. Okay? So what's the deal? Right?

So if you are someone who is struggling with a lower level of desire for yourself or your partner, what's the deal? First thing to understand. Sexual desire for some people is. is a form of emotional coping. Okay, so for some people, the more stressed they become, the more likely they are to engage in sexual behavior because it is a way of managing stress. For some people, it is not a way of managing stress.

In fact, the opposite. It becomes the thing that starts to grow when we feel relaxed. So a good example of this is, if we look at just the act of sexual arousal physiologically, sexual arousal starts with activation of the parasympathetic nervous system this is our body being in a mode of rest, digest, and relaxation see a lot of people think that a man having an erection means that they're aroused we're not aroused every time we have an erection the reason that we have mourning would is because while we are asleep we are resting and while we are asleep our

parasympathetic nervous system activates. And while our parasympathetic nervous system activates, that leads to vasodilation of the penis, which in turn results in an erection. A relaxed man will get a boner. Sleepy man will get a boner. Horny man will get a boner, too. Okay? So you'll also have similar things like clitoral engorgement. You'll get increased vaginal lubrication with parasympathetic nervous system activity. So when people are stressed, for some people, this basically inhibits the sexual arousal. Okay, there's a gender difference here too. And remember, when we're talking about gender differences, it's not that this is the way to think about a gender difference. So when we talk about this is something that you guys need to know, okay? Really important.

when we talk about gender differences and sexuality, what we need to remember is that we're talking about bell curves most of the time. So if we look at, you know, for whatever property, gender number one, gender number two. So for gender number one, you know, there's a lot of people in this part that are actually higher than gender number two in this part. Right. So let's like use an example of need to feel safe to have sex. So let's say that this is women and this is men. Feel safe. Libido. Right. So as I feel more safe, more women have higher. This actually doesn't make sense because the spell curve is doesn't make sense. But you kind of get what I'm saying for any given property like feeling safe in a relationship. While men may need to feel less safe in a relationship, there's still plenty of men who need to feel more safe and plenty of women who don't need to feel very safe in a relationship. They're fine with one night stance.

Okay. So when it comes specifically to hyposexual desire in women, this oftentimes has a lot to do with general stress. Stress has a lot to do with management of the household. So this is why the whole chore play thing is a thing. Right? And this is really important. I'm going to give you guys some cool stuff. Okay.

So one of the three factors. that cause people to fall in love early in the dating experience is that the date should be an escape from the rest of their life. If we look at people's lives right now, they suck. Inflation is not keeping pace with wages, or wages are not keeping pace with inflation. There's uncertainty from AI. There's a loneliness crisis.

There's a sexlessness crisis. We also have an aging population. We have a lot of people who are in their 20s and 30s who are now taking care of their parents. We've become their social support system. So life is hard. And so when dating becomes a part of a chore of life, when do you want to meet? Do you want to meet over here? Let's meet at 615.

8, 618. You're not here yet. If you're not here by 623, I'm leaving. You have to do 16 rounds of back and forth to show up on the date. Right? Because my life is a mess. Your life is a mess. I have no room to do extra for you.

You have no room to do extra for me, and we're not falling in love. You know what does cause people to fall in love? Oh, my God, I met this person at this place, and it was like, it was, it was, the rest of my life is over here, and it was this magical escape from the rest of my life. How do people fall in love? We rescue people from their lives. That's how you make someone fall in love with you. rescue them from their life. And this happens 15 years into a marriage as well.

This is what creates bedroom, dead bedroom, because now partners, we are in this life together. There's no escape. There's no rescue possible. Make sense? So if there is a loss of libido, you know, there are certain medical things that you want to do. You want to get your hormone levels checked.

But stress has a huge part of it. allowing someone and escape from their life is one of the best things that you can do to increase sexual desire. Men or women, if a dude is depressed, struggling, has low self-esteem, giving them a break, because when we are rested, that's when we get horny. I see this all the time with people who are new parents. libido goes down because we're not sleeping.

Everything is chaotic. And then five, six years down the road, kid is sleeping through the night. Kid can go to the potty themselves. Kid is somewhat independent and then parents get frisky. You know, sometimes you'll see like teenagers. You all may remember that your parents get like frisky and they're like, ew.

Why are mom and dad frisky now? It's disgusting. They're frisky because they no longer need to wipe your ass. So they have energy for other things. Requite's energy to have sex. If you help people have energy, they'll get horny. Not always. It's not like a one-size-fits-all thing, right? So there's a differential diagnosis here. Other things that severely can impact libido, especially in men as pornography, really messes up our dopaminergic systems and things like that.

Stress, desire to perform, all this stuff matters. So it's a really common problem. We explore it quite a bit. And then let me just make sure I answer the question. You know, I think the other thing is that a lot of sexuality can be cultivated. This is also something that we don't really acknowledge quite as much. But really activation of the, if we think about seduction. Okay. So this is something that kind of bothers me a little bit. At some point, like when the pickup artists showed up,

we sort of shifted from like seducing to getting laid. Does that kind of make sense? Like, do you all feel that in the ether? Maybe it's just me. But, you know, one of the things about seduction is about providing an experience for the other person. Getting laid is about your needs. There's a fundamental shift that's happened. And I want to be super clear about this.

A technique to get laid is not the same as seduction. seduction is about getting the other person interested in a sexual relationship. The focus is actually on them. So if we talk about how do we get, how do we create seduction, and this is the cool thing, it has actually very little to do with overt sexual behavior. In fact, the opposite, right? So if you have something where like, you know, you kiss someone on the nape of the neck, if you make out without the intention of ever getting laid or even letting that person get lucky,

that's seduction. Does that make sense? So a lot of this stuff, if there's hypoactive sexual desire, right, a lot of it is like seduction. It's intimacy. It's emotional intimacy. It's safety. It's rest. It's helping the other person feel good.

It's activating the parasympathetic nervous system. Foot massage goes a long way, especially for women. So I don't know if you guys know this, but foot reflexology is contraindicated in the third trimester of pregnancy. Okay? Let me see if I can pull up a paper. Let's just look at scholar. Google.com. Reflexology, contraindications, pregnancy.

Okay. So basically, interesting. I can't find the paper. This is cool. There's been a lot of research. Let's see. Okay, these are not the papers I'm looking for, but whatever. Basically, what some people, what some OBs observed is that if you give a third trimester woman a foot massage and you do specifically reflexology, which is focusing on the chi and the energy points, it can induce labor.

So there is a connection, like a biological, neurological, physiological connection. Okay? between the genital region in the feet may have something to do with the fact that they both enter somewhere around S1, S2, L5. We don't really know TBAH. Okay? But, so there's like stuff like this that you can do

to evoke intimacy. There's a lot of physical intimacy that doesn't have to be sexuality. And as we start to engage in those physically intimate things, there can be a growth of sexuality, right? And then sometimes there really is like medical stuff. Like so depression, medications, and we cover all that stuff in the guide. Okay.

By the way, guys, thanks so much for supporting us. I think we started the stream at 3,700. So we're at like 38, 39. So thank you guys very much for getting the guide. I'm a big fan of it. I think it's great. We answer all of these questions in a pretty succinct way. And, yeah, so guide to love sex and

relationships, guys, which we have now. Let me see if I can find it. Dr. Kay's Guide to Love, Sex and Relationships. Okay. Includes things like science of flirting, traits that matter more than looks and dating. Oh, my goodness. There are traits that matter more than looks. Okay?

So this is what we're raising money for, or this is what we're getting, and then this is what we're going to do with the money. For those of y'all that don't know. Basically, the stuff that we build here at HG that we sell to y'all that you buy gives us money. And when we have money, this is what we do for it. So we've, thank you guys so much for supporting us already. We have 3,839 guide sales. That covers the cost of the guide.

So we invested to build the guide. And to break even, we need about 3,000 guide sales. So thank you guys so much. That's awesome. We're on May 6th. Guides are not even out yet. Y'all can pre-order. You can get five bucks off.

We have a cooking stream coming up. It'd be great if we got to 4K today. We have a new show that we're going to be releasing. I think we're well in production. We want to be publishing, you know, when I talk about, oh, here at H.U. We did this. We did this. We need an academic infrastructure, which we've been, we had three or four years ago,

and then we just haven't been able to invest in because we've been building other stuff. But we want to start sharing the research that we do publicly, but that costs money. We started the HG instance. about a year ago, that's going really well. We want to educate clinicians about things like technology addiction, pornography addiction, social media addiction. One of the most common complaints that we've gotten at H.E. is I went to see a therapist and it didn't help.

So we want to actually train therapists to be more competent to help y'all. And then we've been working on an app for about two years, and app development is expensive. And so that's literally we're hoping to raise money. to hit these goals. So thank you guys very much for supporting us. I think the guide is great. Let's do a couple more questions.

Okay, so this was one. Okay, this is one that I think we need Dr. Malik for. Is penis stretching safe? So I tried to, oh my God, I had to restart. I, you know, I'll be honest. I looked into this. So my guess is that the answer is no. But, so Peroni's disease is, I forget if it's collagen, no, it's connective tissue.

So there is evidence, so there's a disease called Peroni's disease. And in Peroni's disease, basically our connective tissue becomes fibrous. So it's kind of like the penis becomes like scar tissue, right? And if you kind of think about scar tissue, it's like not flexible. So it looks like the penis stretching is actually effective at treating Paironi's disease because basically you're preventing the tissue from becoming fibrous and you're kind of like keeping it mobile. So that's the best evidence that I could find. Right. And then there are like studies like this, which are like a pilot phase two prospective study to test the efficacy and tolerability of a penile extender device and the treatment of short penis.

But like these studies suck. Like this is 15 patients, right? And then it looks like this thing was able to increase by 2.3 and 1.7. Increases the length of a flaccid penis by 2.3, stretch penis by 1.7. No significant changes in penile girth. But I don't know what this device is. I don't know if the ads that you guys see are going to see it. Let's see if we can.

I am not it. And then here's what I thought was kind of interesting. There's a paper about penile and foreskin stretching practices through time and culture. This is a more anthropological, historical view. It has nothing about outcomes, and we're not going to show this paper. It's in the public domain. You guys can get it. But there's some pictures in here that we can't show on stream.

So, I mean, I looked at this stuff. I think we'll ask Dr. Malik. because this is really her, I mean, she's the urologist. And so this is an answer that I would guess, don't do it. So here's my answer, is penile stretching safe? I would say don't do it, and I would say you don't need to do it. So my answer to this, I've worked with a lot of people who have small penises. Let's go over just a couple of basic things about the penis.

Is penile stretching safe? You don't need it. First thing to understand, the maximum, the density of vaginal nerves is concentrated in the first three inches of the vagina. Okay? So basically three inches is what you need. Now, there are some people who have a penis shorter than three inches. We'll get to that in a second.

Second thing is that usually the cervix, which is at the back end of the vagina, is not something that it feels good to bump up against. So there's sort of this idea that, you know, a really long penis is going to be good. But banging against the cervix is not, doesn't feel good for most women. So you actually don't want one that's really big, actually. You know, there are going to be, there's a variation within the population. I'm sure some women really enjoy it. But frankly, as dudes, like, basically, this is what I want you all to understand.

There's a reason why evolution evolved the, average length of the penis. You'll get that? Like, it does the trick. Does the trick. Average length of the penis is around, I think, five inches when erect. Most of the nerve endings in the vagina are the first three inches. Next thing is that most women, 70% of women require clitoral stimulation in order to climax. So it's sad. I mean, I've worked with, like, literally older ladies with metastatic cancer who were 70 years old, who've never had an orgasm, even though they've been penetrative intercourse for 40 years because they required glittoral stimulation. So the dick doesn't make most women climax.

So instead of worrying about the dick, you know, learn to utilize the other tools at your disposal to allow someone to climax, help someone climax. Okay. I mean, we're not going to go over. I don't think this is really appropriate for stream, but, I mean, we can, you know, particular techniques. Another thing that y'all can do, even if you have a smaller penis, right, doesn't need to be huge, is you can hit the G-spot, which is on the anterior wall of the

vagina. So I think the key thing here is that if a woman is on her back, you want to angle up. Okay? So my advice for people who want to have good sex, my advice for dudes, is sex should be the opposite of parking. So in parking, you don't want to touch the side. You want to slide right into the middle with no contact of the sides. Penetrative intercourse, we want to bang against the sides. Bang against the top wall, bang against the bottom wall. We want to ram into things. So oftentimes it's more about the geometrical angle than it is the size.

Okay? So go at it. So here's the other thing. So the reason that a lot of women will prefer girth is because past the first three inches of the vagina, man, I wish Dr. Malik was here because I'm sure she knows more about this than I do. I'm not, she's like literally an expert in like pelvic anatomy. I'm not. What I'm an expert.

Okay. So if we look at the past the first three inches of the vagina, what we do have is pressure sensors, right? So if you look at, you know, your arm, I can slide a finger across and you can feel that, but that's different from a pressure sensor. So the reason that a lot of people will prioritize girth is because the, the, the, pressure sensors feel it. Stretch. But you can activate the presser sensors by going in an angle. Okay? So this is where like, y'all got to remember, okay, we're HG. So even when I approach things like sex, I approach it kind of like a video game in the sense that there are rules,

there's a meta, like what are the mechanics? What is the percentage of armor reduction that we go from like 12 points of armor to 14 points of armor? What's the optimal meta? And this is the problem is like when it comes to sex, no one is saying, like no one knows this shit. No one is looking at anatomy and like teaching you guys this stuff. Right? So there's a whole 30 minute lecture, which I had to drink for because I can't do it with a straight face. Where we're talking about, you know, like how do you achieve a really mind-blowing orgasm?

Like that's in the guide. Okay? Like what is the physiology? Does this make sense? People have regular orgasms. People fail to have orgasms. People have mind-blowing orgasms. but just like motivation or circadian rhythm optimization or gut microbiome optimization,

there is a science to this, right? And we can figure that out. Like we know that. Like we can experiment. So deep pressure sensors. So go at an angle if you're a dick is small. You know, aim for the top if your partner has a G spot. Other general things about successful sex, you know, good penetrating.

of intercourse, rhythm is important, consistency is important, don't keep changing positions. Rhythm and consistency are the most important things for penetrative intercourse, way more important than size. So then the question is, why are dudes so obsessed with their dick size? Okay. So as we see from this paper over here, right, there's a long history of obsession with penile size is a marker of strength, virility, and masculinity. Cave drawings from 8,000 years ago in present-day Turkey

depict a man with a penis as long as his leg. Let's go. Tripod. Okay? Right? So this has been an obsession for men. Now, we have to understand one or two things about this, okay? Oh, we're lagging a little bit.

So here's the key thing that a lot of people It's like, okay, so if we look at sexual comp, why are dudes obsessed with penis size? This is something, this is like a really important nuance that I don't remember ever seeing this in the manosphere. There is intracosexual competition and there is intersexual competition.

Okay? So a lot of what dudes think women find attractive is not based on women. It's based on other dudes. So intracosexual competition is man competes with man. One man wins. Man dates with woman. The selection happens amongst men.

So a good example of this is lions and their pride. So, you know, a lion, a male lion's mane is not designed to attract other, to attract female lions. It's designed to intimidate male lions. I'm speaking a little bit out of my expertise here. So if there's a zoologist who's like, no, Dr. Kay, you're wrong. Female lions get turned on my male mains.

I could be mistaken there, okay? So that's speaking out of turn a little bit. but what I'm fairly confident is there's intracosexual competition. So a lot of what dudes think women find attractive is not what women find attractive. It is the things that dudes compete with each other on. It is intracosexual competition. It's actually what dudes care about. And penis length is at the top of the list.

So think about it for a second, right? If you're in the shower after physical education with your dudes and one of your friends, has a huge schlong and you have a little dick. You feel bad even then there's no women involved. No woman, right? And you may hypothesize, okay, when a woman sees my penis, she's going to start laughing. You may hypothesize that when a woman sees his penis, she's going to be swooning. Right?

But that is a hypothetical in your head that is based on your own judgment of yourself in comparison to another man. Right? So if you actually poll women what are what are what leads to a successful relationship, what are women selecting for when they have a high quality of relationship, penis size isn't really on the list. And maybe it should be. Maybe the reason that we don't have it on there is because it's, now that I think about it is interesting. I don't know if penis size is even an option, which is interesting. So maybe they do care. But I don't think so. That's a if you ask women what they're looking for, like, actually, that's a different question. So here's another thing is if you ask people what they want, that's a very different question

from what they are happy with and what they will accept. Huge problem in the relationship literature. If I ask you, what kind of job do you want? That's a different answer from what kind of job you will accept and what kind of job you would be happy with. I want a million dollars. I'd be happy with 200K and I'll accept 100K. These are three very different things.

And if you ask people what they want, they will say, and so it will be pie in the sky. It doesn't actually correlate with reality very much. Okay? So, dudes, if you all have a small dick, my heart goes out to you. And there's a lot that you can do to have a healthy sexual relationship. And there are too many men that I've worked with that have had really. traumatic rejections based on their penis size where women will actually laugh or dudes will laugh or everybody will laugh.

You know, if you guys have seen that episode of Seinfeld with George and shrinkage, you know what I'm talking about. Right? So that does happen. But it's really interesting. You know, it's crazy. I've heard that there are relationships with women, with partners who don't even have a penis. Their penis is non-existent.

Their penis is zero. And they're actually in happy, healthy, sexual relationships and are completely sexually satisfied. So it's like insane. It's almost like you don't even need a penis to satisfy your sexual partner. I've heard rumors of relationships like that. But who knows? And surely, like, you know, that's insane. Okay.

3859, let's go. Okay. We talked about this. I once heard it is possible for a man to control his ejaculation if he develops a strong enough pelvic floor doing kegels, true or total nonsense. This is one that I'd love to get Dr. Malik to weigh in on, but here's my take. And there was a question here about dothoric sex. Does dothoric sex even work? Are there any scientific studies done on this?

This is a good question. I haven't seen any... Let's see what happens. Thonthric sex. Okay. So if we look at like Google Scholar, like I don't see any good medical literature on this, right? So it looks like most of the published literature on tantric sex is like, you know, it's J-Store. So it's not like scientific studies.

But let's talk a little bit about Kegel's Thunthric Sex. And then if you guys want to do a whole lecture, I can do a lecture on Thantricks sex. But okay. So there is a muscle that you can contract, which will, you know, the floppy penis muscle, like when your penis is down here and you contract a muscle and it flops up. There's a muscle that does that. Okay. That muscle, if you stop your urination midstream, I don't recommend that you do, basically you can contract a muscle and stop your urination midstream. One of the basic dantric sexual techniques is to strengthen that muscle and contract

it. In the tantric system, we call this a bunda. Okay? Bunda means a lock. Like a lock. So when that muscle is contracted, you cannot ejaculate. So here's where we have to get a bit precise. Orgasm ends with ejaculation. The orgasm starts, then you ejaculate, and when the ejaculation finishes, the orgasm ends.

So the basic physiologic idea behind tantaric sex is to attain an orgasm, and as long as you are preventing ejaculation, the orgasm will continue. Okay? So I don't recommend that you do this. Really, I don't recommend it. Like, I think you should not do it. These are practices that are taught under the guidance of a guru. Okay. So I'd love to get Dr. Malik's take on this, but basically, you know, there is some scientific validity to this idea of abstinence of orgasm or preventing orgasm, restricting orgasm to increase the length of orgasm.

But tantric sex is not about pleasure, actually. So the theory behind tantric sex is completely different. So a lot of people will use tantric sex as a means of extending and enhancing their sexual pleasure. Okay. This is like earning money to use as fuel in a fire. Like, yeah, it works, but it's really not what it's for. So the reason that the main idea behind tantric sex is that it is a form of meditation. So if we look at forms of meditation, there are these things called alumbanas.

Alumbana means a support. So an alumbana is something that you use to focus your mind. So if I use the breath as my alumbana, what that means is that I'm using the breath as an anchor for my attention. So my mind doesn't wander everywhere else. It stays here in this state of focus. And as you go deep into a state, the deeper you go into a state of focus, the more cool stuff happens in meditation. You achieve these higher states of consciousness, ego death experiences, all this good stuff. But you need a very deep sense of focus.

So one of the key things about orgasm is it is an intensely focusing experience. So the goal is not pleasure. The goal is focus for extended period of time. So in order to utilize that alambana for more than a few seconds at a stretch, the tantrics and the yogis, oh, blurt again. The tantrics and the yogis basically sort of dantricks figured out, okay, what are the different ways in which we can focus the mind? and one of them was utilizing our genitals. And so, Thonthrix, X-1, it's actually done, is done with the conjunction of chanting of mantras and things like that, too. So there's like chanting components and stuff like that.

And then the other thing that is kind of weird, okay, I got to show you all a paper. Let me know if this starts lagging, okay, guys? Okay, so functional neurone is. Oh, are we lagging now? No, not yet. Impact of arousal. So death, sleep, and orgasm, gateways to the mind of clear light. Mindfulness and opioids.

I'm trying to find one thing. Dopamine, no. Yes, this is the paper. Okay, this gets kind of weird, but you all have to follow me for a second, okay? So, see, everyone's interested in tantric sex because they're interested in having a really long orgasm. But really what happens is what's kind of weird. So when we engage in sexual activity, there's a lot of stuff that happens in our brain.

Okay? So one of the things that happens in our brain, if we look at the system of orgasm, a lot of people think it's dopamine. But actually, the flood of orgasm is opioids, endogenous opioids, not dopamine. It's not actually our pleasure and reward system. Because if you think about orgasm, right, there's this flood of bliss throughout your body. Orgasm starts, orgasm starts the release of opioids. Okay. And it ends with ejaculation.

Okay, that's how we know. So if we look at when we ejaculate, we're going to get into the neuroscience of this, okay? Where's that prolactin paper? Yes. So orgasm ends when we... So orgasm, ejaculation, prolactin. Prolactin shuts off the process. So things end with prolactin.

Okay? This is why if you have something called a pituitary adenoma with an elevated amount of prolactin secretion, it's basically a tumor of the pituitary gland that releases a bunch of prolactin secretion, lactin and basically prevents people from, it lowers their libido and prevents them from having sex and orgasm. Okay. So, arousal, intercourse, stimulation, orgasm, ejaculation. This is, actually, let me draw the cell. I haven't quite thought about how to answer this before,

but it's in my head. So bear with me, okay? So here's what happens. Arousal, stimulation, okay? orgasm, ejaculation. I guess we're doing a quick lecture on the neuroscience of Thonthrixx. So after ejaculation, we get prolactin. Or during ejaculation.

Now, prolactin is what creates something called the refractory period. Now, the refractory period is why women can have multiple orgasms and men can't. Because after we have our orgasm, after we ejaculate, we go flaccid, can't get hard for a little while, that's mediated by prolactin. Okay.

Now, if we look at what happens here, this is opioids. So we get our rush of bliss. Okay. If we look at arousal and stimulation, this is dopamine. Because remember, dopamine is craving pleasure. But we don't get, like, so I don't know if this makes sense. the rush of dopamine is different from the rush of opioids. Right?

It's not, dopamine rush is not like a flood. It's like an engagement. We're like into it. Like let's go. When we're like, our dopamine levels are high through something like pornography or video games. We're in this sustain. It doesn't end.

We don't want it to end. It's not like a flood. We don't lose ourselves. We actually increase engagement. Dopamine pulls us out of ourselves and into the outside world. Okay? So, so remember, this goes to this, this goes to this, this goes to this, okay? So now let's look at a couple of papers and try to stitch this together.

So, it's often been the case that people differentiate where an orgasm comes from based on either the sensory stimulation used to achieve it, external or internal clitorial penile nipple orgasms, or the proprioceptive feelings of the pelvic floor contractions, and motor tension release deep vaginal or prostate-related orgasms. Okay. Orgasms are normally the product of bottom-up genital sensory stimulation. They can also be controlled by top-down processing of excitation and inhibition that regulate both the timing of parasympathetic and parasympathetic activations. Okay.

This influences the subjective ability to let go into the orgasm when it is imminent. All right? under normal circumstances, climax and sexual orgasm are experienced as a singularity. But they can be experienced separately as in a sexual orgasm in individuals with spinal cord damage. Men who have ejaculation without orgasm or vice versa. Okay? So here's the thing. We think that all of these things come together, but they don't.

We can actually separate them out. Okay? So if you look at a nocturnal emission, a nocturnal emission is an ejaculation without an orgasm. Right? You guys get this? These things are very different. So if we look at what d'anthrax is,

this is the neuroscience of it, okay? Not the technique. So first thing is we want to stop ejaculation. And in order to stop ejaculation, we use buntah. Key goals are one form of this. But there's another element of orgasm, remember, your mental state can inhibit orgasm, right? So if a man is suffering from premature ejaculation,

then one of the things that you can do is start doing math problems in your head. Right? And when you get really, really aroused, okay, so we're going to, like, speak a little bit plainly, okay? So if we talk about, I'm just going to just speak plainly, okay? So please, my intention is not to be offensive or like I'm really not trying to be clickbaity or anything like that okay I'm just

so a lot of dudes are like I've just worked with a lot of dudes that just like have bad sexual relationships with their partners and by bad what I mean is they get horny their partner doesn't want to have sex they want to have sex you know and the woman just doesn't want to have sex the dude wants to have sex it's very common there's studies that show I'm not pulling up the paper right now but if you guys really want to I can pull it up um I flashed to a paper earlier about okay let's pull it up Let's fuck it. Let's pull it up. I'm pulling it up.

Give me a second. Because I feel like I have to justify myself. Okay. Yes. So, if we look at this paper, so this is a paper on strategies for mitigating sexual desire discrepancies in relationships. This is a paper that basically cites

that oftentimes in a long-term sexual relationship, men will downregulate their sexual desire and women will upregulate their sexual desire. That's what's very common. Okay? So I worked with a lot of dudes who are like hornier than their wives. There's a sexual discrepancy.

I've worked with a lot of women who are hornier than their husbands. Sexual desire discrepancy. Very common in relationships. You could say that it is just as common. The discrepancy is just as common as your threshold for spiciness and food. Human beings are just different.

We have to meet somewhere in the middle. It happens all the time. Okay. So, when I'm working with dudes like this, a huge part that they don't get is for some reason, men are for whatever biological reason, the way we're raised, whatever, we can sort of separate out sex from other things. And there's arguments to be made from an evolutionary biology perspective. And I say arguments to be made because I don't think it's said in stone.

People on social media will say this is the way it is, that women have a higher cost. for sexual engagement, right, which is pregnancy. So they need to, they need a lot more boxes checked in order to have sex than men do, because men would just spurt and we're gone, Gigi, I'm out. Women, that costs them potentially nine months. The most dangerous thing a woman will do in her life for the average woman is have a baby. So oftentimes what a lot of dudes don't understand is that, and we kind of know this on one side, right? we know that as a dude, the mental state is really important to not come.

Right? So if I'm really, really, really, really, like, horny and I'm super aroused, I'm going to get five pumps before. It's going to take five pumps. That's all it takes. Just five. Pump number one, pump number two, pump number three, it's happening. Pump number four. There we go.

Pump number five, I'm done. And so one of the things that we'll do if people have premature, ejaculation is we'll tell them to not be horny in their head. Start doing math problems. Okay. So for a lot of dudes, the mental stuff that we do is like we try to distract ourselves mentally. And then you'll last longer.

And when I'm working with dudes who have dead bedroom, we need to do the opposite for our female partners, right? Because they're thinking about groceries, birthday presents. right? And I'm not trying to be like, people are offended and stuff. I sincerely apologize. I'm not trying to be like misogynistic or lack compassion or things. This is just how it is. Right? So this is where seduction comes in. Seduction is about altering the mental state of our partner. That primes them. Okay. So when we're talking about tantaric sex, there are a couple of important things. This is huge.

We are adopting a certain kind of mental state, a focusing mental state. It is not designed to increase our horniness or decrease our horniness. So when we're talking about men versus women, here's math problems. Here's seduction. Right? So we're going to, you know, talk to our partner. There are examples of dirty talk in the guide. So if you guys want to know how.

a dirty talk. We as psychiatrists are trained well in our words, and just like we can do a serious study of using the right language, which you guys have seen me doing an interview, right, I'll use the right words to evoke a sense of connection. There are absolutely, there's psychotherapy textbooks, I have one here, I was reading recently, about what language to use to help people feel safe and open up, they're absolutely the same thing when it comes to evoking certain states of mind that are sexual. That's in the guide. You guys should check it out.

Okay? So, dantric sex is actually about moving in this direction or this direction. It is not moving along this axis. So when we talk about, you know, men and women modulating their sexual discrepancies, we're talking about moving in these two directions, right? And if you want to seduce someone, you need to move him in this direction mentally. Mental is first. Mental is, we're, dude, you guys know how awesome our brains are?

Dude, our brains are gigantic. Our brains are so important. And sexuality just isn't about physical touch. The mental game is huge. Seduction happens in the mind. Right? So seduction is some amount of physical touch, but with the implication in the mind. seduction is some amount of touch, putting the mouth on the nape of the neck.

And then the reason we're doing that so intentionally and so carefully is because we want this person to imagine our mouth in other places. It's a mental game. At least for a fucking psychiatrist. Okay? So when it comes to tantric, first thing is the arousal is not really there. So being horny is not the right frame of mind. There is some amount of stimulation. There is some amount of mental change.

And then there is opioids with orgasm without ejaculation. And then what we end up with is something like this. And here's the crazy thing, okay, is that when we talk about some of these, this stuff. So here's the thing. I don't know if this makes sense. Some of this stuff gets primed and can get activated. But then what I think is really, really, really won't go into too much detail. But once your brain is primed through this physiologic stimulation, then what we actually want to do is meditate.

So you can do it as part of the act or you can engage in sexual activity, prime your physiology, prime your neuroscience. But for God's sake, don't ejaculate. leave. And then you can't be horny. You can't be like, because if you're, if you're horny and you have cravings, then you won't be able to meditate. It'll form a distraction. Priming our brain in this way and then sitting down to meditate, if you do it right, something cool will happen. We won't say what. Okay. So that's how tantric sex works from a neuroscience perspective. As best as I understand it. I'm not an expert in tantric sex. I'm not a tantric guru. Okay.

But what we try to do here is understand this stuff, right? So if these things happen, which I'm confident that they do, then there must be a biological neuroscientific explanation. And if we get into it, right, it's really interesting because we can see how these neurotransmitters are involved with different things. And the rush of opioids is induced by orgasm, not ejaculation. And these things are actually a little bit separate. Okay?

Okay. Okay. So I autistic have been on antidepressants since 2020, since 22 now, 30, which reduced libido and caused eggplant numbness. Now in a very low dose, numbness is gone, but libido is absurdly high. I'm experiencing hard premature ejaculation. What is going on and what should I do? This is something that you should talk about with your doctor.

So we talk about this stuff. You know, we offer general education in the guide, so you should get the guide. There's a whole video about common male sexual problems where we talk about medication, side effects, things like that. But this is, this is something where, you know, we talk about pretty much there, but this is really something you should watch the guide and then go talk to your doctor, basically. And I'm not trying to like blue balls, y'all. It's just, it's, it's really, this is a situation where there's a lot of specifics here, right? And then there's, someone's asking, but what if I'm always horny? Well, so this is where like, you know, if you're

always horny, this is such a good question. I feel like I have to figure out an answer. It's too good of a question. I don't have an answer. But give me a second, I think, for a second. What do you do if you're always horny? Hi, Isam. Give me a second. So you know, it's wild. It's like when we were building this guy, dude, like all these papers, I mean, dude, I've read hundreds of papers and just figured this, I just figured this stuff out, like figured it out. I'm not saying I'm right about everything, but it's like, okay, let's look at the, you know, the cadaverine activation of rat copulation. And then there's papers like this.

Like, I love this, dude. This is so awesome. Like, I loved building this guide, okay? This one. No, not this one. Yeah. Impact of sexual arousin, risk taking and decision making in men and women. That, this is a great paper to understand if you want to get laid.

and you want to help someone make a terrible decision by having sex with you, this is the paper to read. Yeah, this is a great paper. This is what I love. And then where's the one on trans? Yeah. What is orgasm? A model of sexual trance and climax via rhythmic entertainment.

Right? Like, it's, you have to, and this is why I love being a medical doctor because I know something about the neuroscience of seizures, right? Like, we know how seizures work. You know, this is a good paper that talks about things that are related to Thunthro. But anyway, there's a lot of good stuff. You guys should definitely get the guide. I can really speak.

If you guys like today's stream, get the guide. Unfortunately, a lot of the stuff in the guide is way more applicable than what we're talking about today. So, like, if we look at anthraic sex and kink, the percentage of the population that that applies to is smaller. We cover the most important shared things, sexual attraction, falling in love, communicating, dealing with breakups, healing after a breakup, all this kind of stuff, okay? Okay, but let's talk about what if you're horny all the time. So I think there's a couple of things. So people have this, like, relationship with being horny. It's like I either I got to do cold showers and, you know, like, oh, like, I'm out of control and like, or like I'm giving into it and I feel horny all the time and I'm jerking off and watching porn.

And it's like, there's just so much like un, not unhealthiness, obsessional frustration with being horny all the time. We just don't like it. Like, how do I get it to stop? How do I get it under control? How do I get it under control by giving into it? Do I get it under control by never giving into it? It's like, er. So first thing is, see, whatever you do for your body that your body likes, it will crave.

So like, if you are horny all the time and you engage in a lot of sexual activity or masturbatory activity, you know, whatever you feed within you grows, this is a fundamental principle of the human body and the human mind. So if I feed my anxiety, it'll grow. If I feed my sense of low self-esteem, it'll grow. If everywhere I look, I see that someone is better than me. I'm pathetic. I'm a loser. This person has a big dick.

I have a small dick. This person is dated. I haven't dated. And if you look at some of the people in our community, which, by the way, we're grateful for y'all being here, we built this place for you, right? To help you. Look at how much you feed your low self-esteem. How many thoughts do you have?

How does your brain shape the perception? around you. Interpret data to make you feel bad about yourself. Everything that you see makes you feel bad. So whatever you feed within you grows, that's number one. So if you're horny all the time, how much are you feeding the horniness? And so this is where cold showers come in. Right? Okay, like celibacy, I'm going to go like no ejaculation, like, semen retention. I'm going to do all these things. but this in a weird way is actually feeding the horniness in a different way. Okay? So, I'll explain.

So if we look at cold shower, tug one out, double click the mouse. So oftentimes if we're horny, what happens is we bounce back and forth along this axis. I should do less, I should do more, I should do less, I should do more. But do you see how you're obsessed with the axis as a whole? Here's you and you're just like super obsessed with the axis. So your obsessional relationship with horniness is the problem. Even this is hardcore. And if you're gooning over here, that's hardcore.

Right? So the problem is how hardcore you are about it. And you have to control it. You care. Does that make sense? It's important. You obsess about it. You think about it.

Am I doing it too much? Am I doing it too little? It is not a casual thing. The horniness is intense. You feel it very intensely, and then you struggle with it. Right? So the problem with the horniness is not

whether you're here or here. It's that this volume is like nine out of ten. It doesn't matter. Whether you're over here or you're over here, it's still a nine out of ten. Now, a couple of reasons. reasons for this are things like, you know, dopaminergic reinforcement is one of them. Another really reason, a big reason why people are horny all the time that they miss a lot

is emotional regulation. So the more you are elixothymic and colorblind to your emotions, the more horny you can be. Because our brain figures out, okay? Our brain figures out. Our brain is like, look, bro, we feel bad. You know what helps? sexual stimulation. So what can start to happen, a huge part of pornography addiction is emotional regulation.

We get addicted to the emotional regulation component. If you look at addictions, and there's a, you know, a video about pornography addiction in the guide. But if you look at addictions, addictions do two things. They give us pleasure and they take away pain. Two fundamentals of addiction, period. Any addiction on the planet does these two things. So if you're horny all the time, are you not?

not aware of the emotions that you're experiencing. Are you feeling stressed in your life? That'll increase horniness too. And then the other thing that really gets us tangled up in the horniness is all the judgments around it. If I jerk off too much, then am I going to be able to enter a relationship? If I enter into a relationship, then, like, what is going to happen? Like, oh, my God, like, now I'm in a relationship and I'm lying to my partner and, like,

you know, like, oh, my God, now I'm watching pornography on my phone while I'm in the shower with the door locked. So do you guys see how, like, the obsession? nature, our attachment to horniness is increasing, increasing, increasing, increasing. So this is how we get horny all the time. So see, I don't know if this makes sense. When we are missing something in our life and we get it, we feel better. Right?

If I'm hungry and I eat something, I feel full. The desire goes away. But with horniness, oftentimes what happens is it doesn't work like that. Like, I feel temporarily better, but then like the horniness comes back, comes back with a more fierce hunger. You guys understand the difference? Like, so if I eat something, I'm hungry, I eat something. When I get hungry again, it's not like I get 10 times more hungry. It's not like the intensity of my hunger increases.

When my body needs more calories, I get hungry. And when I satisfy those calories, then I'm no longer hungry. There's a very simple, I'm also envisioning, like, I'm almost envisioning like, you know, the zen, like little water pipe things where they fill up with water and they go, and they like pour out like it's one of those things that's what hunger is like but that's not what happens with horny it's not some regular when you're really horny there is more driving it than simple sexual satisfaction because a lot of what we think about is sexual circuitry is also tied up in self-esteem tied up in self-worth if you're someone who masturbates a lot if you're someone who's

horny all the time what does that say about you we get elements of identity self-judgment. And the key thing about all of those things is that what we're dealing with is the intensity over here. Right? It's really intense. So a lot of people talk about control,

right? Cold showers, semen retention, the benefits. And I kind of get it because I think the most powerless you can ever be, I mean, not ever,

is a hyperbole, but like, I've worked with so many people and felt this myself where, you know, the most powerless, one of the most powerless time, I think one of the times that I have felt the most powerless in life, let's just say that, is when someone else controls your sexual satisfaction, right? You hate it because you really want this thing and they're the ones that are gatekeeping it. They're the ones that can provide it. It feels like you're a beggar, like begging for food and this person is going to provide it for you. And so when we feel that way, right? Because that's the thing with horniness. Like when we feel that way, we don't like it. And so we get into these ideas of self-mastery and control. I'm never going to be beholden to someone.

I ain't going to be anyone's bitch. I'm going to be the source of my own pleasure. Welcome to my goon cave. Where I will be independent of all these people who hold power over me. I will extract pleasure from my body in a way that no one else can. still, it's this, nine out of ten. You may be in control. Someone else may be in control, but you are still wrapped up in it.

Time to remove a few ribs. Case in point. Right? Look at how obsessed we are with this thing. So this is going to be unsatisfying, but if you guys really want to stop being warning, a couple of things, right? One is reduce your elixothymia.

One is understand what your emotions are. One is start to regulate your emotions and manage your emotions outside of sex. Number one. Number two is observe. Gain awareness of the horniness. Now, a lot of y'all may say, but I am aware. The whole problem is that I'm overly aware. I know when I'm horny.

That's not what I mean. Awareness is looking at the horniness from the outside, not being in the middle of the fucking tornado. We think this is something, I see this quite frequently where people are like, I'm really aware of my thoughts. I don't think you are. You are caught up in them. That's not the same as being aware of them.

To watch it from the outside, dispassionately, look at yourself and ask yourself, what is this that is arising? What is the sensation? What is it exactly? What is horniness? Is it a thought? Is it an emotion? Is it a craving?

Is it a physical sensation? what is it that I'm looking for? And oftentimes what you will find is I'm looking for numbness. I'm looking for an obliviation of what is inside me, right? Because what do you feel like after you satisfy yourself? Maybe some degree of empty, some degree of numb. All that, all of that negative stuff, and I don't mean negative in the sense that it's bad. I mean that all of the thing that you didn't like the way that you feel now.

it's gone. Now you can like function normally. You're not caught up with this, this flood of things. Like, what is it? What is horniness? There's lustful thoughts, yes. There is a desire for release, yes. Like, what is it? Really be aware of it. Watch it. And when you do this, it's not going to get better. It's going to get intensely worse. It'll get so intensely worse. And here's why. when you start watching it, your brain will realize, oh, no, we're losing. And so what it'll do is it'll intensify it for you. It'll become so, when you start, because I don't know if this kind of makes sense. You guys know when you're feeling really horny, how you sort of subconsciously try to suppress it.

Like, man, I'm horny. Let me do some more work. And then I'll do it, take care of it later, right? You're kind of like, you're just like kind of keeping it bay until you kind of let it in and then it's done and then you're finished with it. You try to keep it at bay all the time. Even with release, you're trying to keep it at bay. You guys notice that? So when your brain realizes that you're starting to engage in behavior that is not going to give it what it wants, it will punish you for it.

It'll teach you a lesson. So be aware of that. Awareness, awareness, awareness. According to some of the yogic texts, that is sufficient. I'm beginning to think that that's the case. and a major reason that I believe that, I found one paper that I thought was really fascinating. I've shared it on YouTube before,

but there's a paper that shows that there's a part of, I don't remember if it's the anterior cingulate cortex, that the part of us that monitors conflict is aware of internal conflict is the same part of our brain that exerts willpower. Awareness and willpower are actually two sides of the same coin. Does that make sense? you cannot exert willpower without being aware of a tendency within you that is going somewhere else.

Willpower is the exact opposite of autopilot. It is specifically overcoming something within yourself. That doesn't happen automatically. If it's happening habitually, we don't call it willpower. Willpower and awareness are the same. And that's the start to what you should do. if you're horny all the time. The end is I have a feeling,

and this is what's really hard to say, that some people who are really horny, the best thing to make that feeling go away is to have a mind-blowing sexual and loving relationship. This is what's so hard. This is why we made this guide to love sex and relationships, because if I think about people who have very,

very fulfilling, loving, in sexual relationships. And the amount of shit that that substitutes for is astronomical. The amount of years that you have to spend in caves in the Himalayas, versus having someone who sexually gratifies you, holds you when you're done, fixes you a meal, when you're feeling frisky and they look at you and they, with compassion, say, oh, my God, that must feel so, uncomfortable, let me help you with that. That feeling is really hard to meditate your way out of.

I think you can. But this is where like, I think it's so hard because for the last six years of my life, I've been doing mental gymnastics trying to help people become mentally healthy and stable in the absence of a relationship. Right. I've been trying to help people feel full when they're starving by giving them lots and lots of water. And at the end of the day, there's just, it's really hard to substitute. I won't say there's no substitute. There is a substitute. But the simplest way to be mentally healthy, content, and happy in life is to have

someone in your life who loves you, takes care of you that you can love in return, that you can express your sexual desires with, that you can gratify your sexual desires with, someone who the most self-esteem building activities on the planet is when you are able to satisfy somebody else's sexual desires. Why does every dude want a big dick? Is it for our own pleasure? Or is it for the idea that, oh, I can provide pleasure to any woman or man that I sleep with? Think about it for a moment, right? What are you really looking for if you want a longer penis, bigger penis. The power to bring pleasure and satisfaction to another person.

The power to give someone something where they are hungry for more. I'm desiring to be desired. What I want more than anything else is for other people to lust after me. I'm tired of playing through this template where I'm the horny one and I'm chasing and I'm in the friend zone. For once in my life I want it to be the other way around. I want to be desired. I want to be hungered for. And I have worked for the better part of a year and a half.

And our whole team here at Healthy Gamer has worked for the better part of a year and a half. Huge shout out to Clark who's found me hundreds of papers. And we have tried our level best to help y'all get there. So check out our guide to love, sex, and relationships. Thank you guys very much. We will see y'all tomorrow. We're going to do fictional character diagnosis. And we are going to maybe do a stream on Friday.

Yeah, so beautiful. We just need love. And so this is the thing. I love how supportive this community is, but this community cannot provide you with what you need. I can't provide you with what you need. What I can do is empower you to be able to find it yourself. Thanks for joining us today.

We're here to help you understand your mind and live a better life. If you enjoyed the conversation, be sure to subscribe. Until next time, take care of yourselves and each other.