HealthyGamerGG - Dr. K Chats With @dantes

Episode Date: October 28, 2024

In today's episode, Dr. K talks with Dantes, a League of Legends creator, about the pressures of streaming and his struggles offline. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Oloak. I'm known as Dr. Kay. Oloak. Yeah. What do you go by? Well, my name's Dantes. Okay. And so I don't know exactly what we're going to be talking about today, but just to make sure we're clear, I'm not your psychiatrist. I'm not going to be diagnosing you or treating you for anything. But I'd love to have a conversation with you about whatever the hell you want to talk about. Oh, perfect. What do you? Yeah. What do you want to talk about today? So I feel like for a very long time, I've had like problems with insecurity.

Okay. Where I always feel like no matter what I do, it's never enough. And no matter like how much I'll grow or how much I'll invest my time into like my grinds or my goals or whatever it might be, that not only is it never enough, but that it will also never be enough for anyone. And because of that, it's always been a thing where I like always push myself to like my literal limit. Because of you, I guess, like my body as just like a way for me to like grow and to progress my goals. So that's why I always like push myself past my boundaries and all these things because it's almost like the only thing that really matters to me is achieving something. Okay. So it sounds like your body is a as a vehicle or a tool for your ambitions.

Exactly. And what are your ambitions? to be the best at everything I do. So just like in every sense of the word, like, let's say when it comes to the gym, right? It's like to get the best body that I can possibly have. When it comes to streaming, to become the best streamer I can possibly be, when it comes to my game, becoming the best player that I can possibly be. And it's just to, like, literally become the best at everything.

Okay. Okay. Give me one second. I just realized I may need my iPad. Yeah. Yep. Because we're going to map some things out for you. All right.

And, okay, so best at everything you do. So tell me what game do you play or games? Oh, League of Legends. Oh, damn. Okay. So I said, yeah. And how's that going? Um, I mean, it's good.

Like, I'm a consistently challenger player, which is the highest rank. Um, my goal is to get like the literal highest rank, which would be rank one. So that's why every, every so often I'll have like coaches come to my shame who will, like, kind of teach me more things. about the game. And then I'll also play like 12 hours a day, stream like 12 to 13 hours a day, just like grind as much as I possibly can to improve. Okay. And why do you want to be the best? I don't know. It's just, it's just one of those things where I guess it was because when I was younger, I grew up as kind of like the the fat kid, right? And I remember I was also like,

there was also a time where I first started playing the game. And back then I used to be like the lowest rank, right? So it was bronze. And as time went on, and I noticed that my, I guess, like my physique would improve or my rank would improve, that it would seem that more people would, I guess, want to interact with me. More people would want to be, I guess, like, friendlier with me. So then it just got to a point where I kind of found it synonymous with, like, growth. And then also, like, people's perception of you also becoming better, if that makes sense. So then it just always made it. So I was like, well, if I don't necessarily interact with all these people

and instead I just keep focusing on growing and growing and growing, then I guess not really in like a revenge way that you take away your ability to interact with them, which is what they want in pursuit of like your goals and other things, but just more so of a thing where you always make yourself the priority. Okay. Okay. So, so, so I'm hearing, can I think for a second? Yeah. You're very good with words. You're very insightful. I'm guessing you've thought a lot about this. Yeah, because so back in the day, whenever I would end my streams, what I would do is I would just sit there and I would do introspection for like hours every day.

So I would have a thought, like, let's say, let's say I thought like an apple, right? And I would think, like, what is my reaction to the word apple? And then let's say it was negative. Then I would think of like all the individual constituents of like what an apple is, right? So like it's color, it's shape, its size, its taste. And then I would try to think back to all my, I guess, interactions with everything in the past that could have led me to having that negative perception of an apple now. right so i would always do this for like hours every night until i got to a point where i'd become very i guess not really knowledgeable about myself but just more so have a very in-depth understanding

of like why i am the way i am bro that is fascinating thanks can i just process for a second yeah sure okay so many questions okay hold on a second give me give me give me a sec because you're so introspective it's interesting because just in your opening statements, there's like so much there. So I'm just trying to organize like how we're going to understand what the hell is going on. Yeah. Okay. Let me start with this.

So you said you used to do this every day. How this like thinking for hours every night, you said. Yeah. How long were you doing that? Years. Because so it started when I was 16. Because I'm not sure if you're familiar with destiny. Yeah.

So at the time I'll- The concept or the creator? The creator. Okay, both. Yeah. So it's because at the time, I used to watch him a lot. And one of his big things is like understanding why you hold the views that you have. So every night what I would do is I would listen to like three to four hours of his debates.

And after listening to his debates, I would just kind of like ask myself, what do I think about the things he's debating? And then I try to understand why I've come to those like beliefs. So I was just trying to find out all like my foundation. beliefs for the views that I had and then afterwards when I had like more time I guess like becoming a content creator that's when I translated that and instead of just understanding my beliefs I tried to using that but for my views instead so like my views on everything my views on life in general on like relationships, friendships friendships stuff like that and then that's how I just kind of got that like

understanding okay and can you tell me a little bit about your views on life? In what sense? What are you doing here, bro? I don't know. I mean, that's the weird thing. It's just some of those things, right? So I kind of view life as a video game, right? Okay.

And I view myself as like a video game character where, let's say right now I'm like level 21. And I have all these stats, like strength, intelligence, speed, right? And my only goal is to make it so that I can upgrade. my character as much as I possibly can. So that's one of the reasons why I'll like play league as much as I do or I'll sit there and I'll like work out as much as I do is because every time I work out, I view it as like I'm upgrading my strength, right?

Every time I play league, I view it as like I'm upgrading my gameplay, my intelligence. And I just want to kind of like max out my stats. Okay. So, um, awesome, man. Okay. And you mentioned that you grew up as a fat kid. Yeah. Can you tell me a little bit about that?

So actually, quick question. So you're sure you're using your headset mic, right? Let me just make sure with Discord. Hold on. Voice and video. Dude, this is going to be great. I'm so excited. Yeah, everything should be good.

Okay. It says headset mic. Okay, perfect. Okay. So my upbringing was a little bit. bit weird because I grew up on a boat. So when I was five, my parents had taken me out of school for two years. And we had lived on a boat for two years and we were just kind of like sailing the Caribbean. And it was there that, I mean, I never really viewed my weight as any kind of thing.

But I did gain a bit of weight like there. But then it was kind of like when I got back that I was not that I was like super obese, right? But. I remember being in grade school and having people ask like, oh, guys, how much do you weigh? And then you'd have a kid that would say 70. And then another kid would be like, oh, I weigh 60, right? And then I would sit there and like lie because I knew that my weight was the only one in the triple digits. So instead of saying 100, I'd sit there and I'd say like, oh, yeah, like I'm 90, you know? So my weight was always something that was like a bit insecure about.

And it was like that for a few years until when I was 15, I remember that there was this time where I had just sat there and been like, I want to make a change. Just like for attention or whatever also it might be like just have a better body in general, have a better view of myself. So that's when I was 15 and I know it was like bad, but at the time I had starved myself for a few months. And then I'd went vegetarian for a few months. And then after that is when I started my weightlifting journey. So when you said that you wanted a better, so when you were 15, you decided you want a better view of yourself. Yep. What was your view of yourself when you were 15?

Well, it was just one of those things where, like my high school experience, right, I wasn't the popular kid. Like people knew me, but they knew me. I was like the weird kid that would ask weird questions, right? What kind of questions would you ask? What kind of questions would you ask? Oh, well, so, so for example, right, we'd be in, like, a science class, and then the teacher would talk about, like, let's say how as you age, your DNA, like, shortens, and that's the reason why, like, people die. So I would ask the kind of question where I'd say, if you were to, like, in-game, make a weapon of mass destruction, where you could shorten people's DNA with like electromagnetic frequencies,

could that be a possible weapon, you know? And they would always like look at me kind of weird. But it was just like that's where my mind worked. Like I would always kind of like think of the absolute extremes of everything and then try to like really figure out stuff. And how did people respond to you when you were trying to figure out stuff? They would laugh a lot of the time. Like they would sit there.

They would be like, oh, here he is. asking his dumb questions again and things like that. But my mom was always like super supportive of it because she would always tell me how like there was one guy when she was in high school who everyone thought would always ask the dumbest questions. But then he grew up to be like a neurosurgeon making more than all of them. So she was always like if you're curious about everything, just like always ask, always inquire. Never like hold yourself back. And whatever others might think is dumb, just like you like. like if it's pertinent to you then you understand that right yeah okay so it sounds like your mom was

supportive of you asking dumb questions yeah and can you tell me a little bit more about your mom my mom very very driven um she would always like she has because my mom and dad they're still together and she like worked as a police officer And even working like full time, she would still always like cook meals at home for me and my brother. So I grew up with like a very kind of like normal family. Like there was never really any issues, never really any problems. Obviously we'd have like our arguments. My mom was, my mom was always more of like the stubborn parents.

Whereas my dad was a more like laid back one. So there'd be that. But it was like a very normal upbringing. Okay. And can you tell me a little bit about your dad? Yeah, so my dad, we have a very close relationship too. I view both my parents as like friends. So me and him, like, we'll watch shows together.

He also worked as a police officer for like years. That's how he had met my mom. And yeah, he's a very like, very as well, like kind of driven guy. He would always do humanitarian missions like in Rwanda or Haiti as a peacekeeper. So it would be like a lot of stuff like that. Okay. Wow, dude. And how did you all end up on a boat for two years?

So it was because when my dad had rent my mom, they had made this for some reason. I think it was like my dad had let my mom in on his idea. And then my mom kind of was like, okay, where he had always wanted to go on an adventure and live on a boat. So when we were in kindergarten or when I was in kindergarten and my brother was in second grade, that's where my My parents said, you know, it's now or never. So my dad took his early retirement. He was in his early 40s. No, I think late 40s because he turned 50 on the boat.

So he was in his late 40s, so he took an early retirement. And then we took out a second mortgage on the house. And we rented it out for that year. And then he bought a boat. And we sailed for two years from Florida to Grenada. And how old were you when that happened? I was five. What did you, what was that like for you?

So it was an extreme, like, I mean, it's not the kind of experience you'd ever, like, have normally at that age, right? So for me, it was very cool because I was able to experience many different cultures. I was able to experience many different, like, walks of life. Like, I would visit some cities or some places, and, you know, there would be some kids who wouldn't even have shoes, right? And so I was exposed to, like, a lot of these things and a lot of these, like, kind of, like, concepts. at that age. But the one thing that it also introduced me to was the sense that everything was like temporary.

Because normally when you're a kid, right, you'll have like your friends and then you'll have your school. And every day it's the same kind of routine, the same kind of like environment. But when you're living on a boat, it's a bit different. Because what happens is that you'll be there

and you'll make a friend with a guy and you'll become best friends with this guy, right? And you'll sit there and he'll be your best friend for like two. weeks and then after that you'll never see him again. So you kind of need to come to terms with the fact that not everything is permanent at a very young age. I'm going to need a second to think. Yeah. What do you think about that, that life is temporary? Well, I wouldn't necessarily say life is temporary so much I would say that everything that you do is temporary. And I kind of like that I idea in the sense that it means that you always have the capability for growth or change.

But at the same time, the one kind of thing about it, and I guess this is the issue that I have with relationships, is that it makes you view everything as temporary. So then you always need to be constantly improving. Because if everything is changing and you're saying the same, then everyone else is improving around you. You're not. So then there's a high chance that you get left, if that makes sense. And what, yeah, makes a lot of sense. So it's, it's, It's almost like an endless competition or like a race. Yeah. And help me understand what happens for the people who win.

What do you get? Well, I mean, ideally for me, right? One day it would be that you have like a family, that you would have kids, right? You'd have a very nice circle around you, stuff like that. What about League of Legends or physical, you know, Chadness? Oh, oh, so like that. Why you meant like the absolute end goal? Yeah, I didn't mean the absolute end goal.

Yeah, so I mean, so like that's the kind of issue with that is that you can't really become the best, right? So it always keeps you in the state where you always have to constantly improve. You always have to sit there and you always have to improve your physique. You always have to improve like your gameplay. You always have to get better. And there never really is a point where it stops because it can stop since it's. an ever-evolving thing. Yeah, so that's what kind of confuses me is like I ask you like, what's the point of

winning the game of life? You're like having a family and having kids and having friends. Yeah. But it sounds like the way you're living your day to day, which I'm not trying to criticize in any way, so please don't take it. I'm just trying to understand. It seems like that's not what you're thinking about or how are those two things tied together.

So I guess the way that I see it is I view it as a thing where now that I'm in my early 20s and I have this drive, this motivation, this passion, that I can use all of these attributes to really just sacrifice in the short term and just put my everything on my grinds and all these things so that one day I can come to a point where I feel like, okay, if I want to take time off to connect with my family or to maybe pursue something, then I'll be able to because I already went through that grind.

And what are you sacrificing in the short term? well I mean so for example like my day-to-day life is I'll wake up I'll shower I'll work out I'll stream for about 12 hours I'll sit in my chair for a bit and then I go to sleep and the only thing that I really do is like I might respond to my response to like friends right on messages because I always like to respond to messages but I mean I'm living with my family I don't really like hang out with them that much I live in the same city I was like my friends don't really like meet up with them that often, I don't really like do anything apart from, I guess, grind. Okay.

Thank you for explaining what your day to day is like. I'm still going to stick with the same question. What are you sacrificing? I guess, I mean, I guess that's a good question because it's not really so much of a sacrifice as it is that you're prioritizing one thing over another, right? So I don't, I guess I wouldn't really say that I'm sacrificing anything because at the end of the day, you're just making a short term, not necessarily sacrifice, but a short term investment is what I guess I would call it.

And then in the hopes that later on it pays off. And what kind of payoff are you looking for? Well, I'm just hoping that like one day I can sit there and be 30 and if I wanted to take off a few years, right, to like just spend time with like the family that I'll have, right, with my wife, kids, stuff like that, that I'll be able to. And I'll be in like, I guess, a secure enough position that anything like that would be a possibility. Okay.

did you like being on a boat with your family for two years? Yeah, I mean, it was cool because me and, so that was like one of the times where I would always kind of use my imagination, right? Because since you normally have other kids to play with, I'd play with my brother sometimes, but most of the time would just be spent like me making up these like make-believe battles with my toys or stuff like that

or there would be times where me and my brother would play on the GameCube, we'd play video games, stuff like that. Every night, us and our parents, we'd watch like shows on the little TV we had. So it was very like, it made our family very, I guess, tight knit and very close. Is that something you want for the family that you're going to have one day? Yeah. And if you're 30 years old and you wanted to take a couple years off, what would you want to do?

Just be able to really sit there and I guess like appreciate the moment. Because like, let's say when you do have kids, right, they're not going to, be in that like young developmental state forever. So I guess being able to spend as much time with them while they're in that state and being able to, I guess, create as many memories as possible would be like a pretty good experience. Okay. So it sounds like you're making, you're prioritizing, grinding success so that you'll have freedom to spend time with your children. So it's kind of like what it sounds like really freedom is what you're looking for. Yeah, exactly.

Yep. And that's one of the reasons, too, I love streaming so much, because when I was in school, the thing that I hated was feeling like I had to study, right, so I just didn't. Or I hated feeling like I had to do homework, so I just didn't. So that's why the cool thing about streaming is that it's one of those things where you can kind of like choose your hours, you can choose, like, what you want to do. So it gives you the option to really have that freedom. Even though you're still like, I guess working, having this job, right?

it gives you, I guess, a little bit of leeway. That makes it feel like, okay, I could do what I want when I want. So I'm hearing that you, so I'm guessing that you don't feel shackled to the stream, right? You don't feel like you have to stream every day. No, because, so the thing about me is that the thing that I love about streaming is that I've always loved the idea of like sharing experiences with others. Like, I was the kind of kid where, let's say when I was younger, me and my dad were to watch Family Guy. right or something like that um we would sit there and if my dad would go to the bathroom i'd pause the show because if anything funny happened and he wasn't there to experience that moment it's almost like

that funny thing never really happened so the cool thing about streaming is that if i'm able to like share a thought or share an idea or make a cool play then it's almost like that play is alive because there were other people around to experience it yeah wow that's really are you like a Like, what are you like on stream when you play Loll? Are you like positive and PMA? Are you like a toxic challenger player or what? I'm like a raging schizo. Okay.

I guess. So, yeah. So I guess like my thing is that I'm a bit psychotic. Don't know what you get a chat. Can you guys chat? Yeah. Okay. So like what I would say is I'm very like psychotic.

Because the thing about me is like I'll say crazy things, right? Okay. So I don't really have like a filter when it comes to league. And the thing is that I'll just say like whatever comes to mine. And it's kind of like given me this, I guess, view within the community that I'm just like this like really crazed guy. Like most of my clips, right, that get the most amount of views are the ones where they make fun of me being the most mentally stable league player. because the perception is I'm the most like mentally unstable one. And what kind of stuff gives them that perception?

Like I'm having trouble imagining. So a few days ago, I had a guy who was like playing really badly in my games. So I said that if given the option from God between saving 5.5 billion people or just making it so that this guy never had access to the internet again, he would never cost me a game again. right so it's just things like that so very extreme stuff yeah exactly and as you're saying this adontes are you noticing emotions arise within you like what kind like are you feeling anything right now uh maybe a bit of like nervousness i guess but besides that not really did you feel nervous like five minutes ago um i mean whenever i'm so like that's the thing about me it's whenever i'm in a setting talking to like a new person or in this case like interacting with the new shimmer who has a

new community i always feel like a little bit nervous because i'm not really like a super outgoing guy um but once i start to feel comfortable that's when i start to like open up more and feel like a lot better right so as like the minutes go by i feel like less and less nervous but at the beginning it was just like a little okay yeah because i i think that you know and you're okay with being whatever like What would you call it a schizo-cycic? Yeah, okay. Look. That's okay with you, right?

Yes, but, okay, I'll explain it. It's because my dad told me this one thing many years ago, where he said, Dantes, at the end of the day, people will forget what you say. They'll forget the things you talk about. They'll forget the promises you make. They'll forget everything. But they'll never forget how you make them feel. So that's why it's just one of those things where I don't necessarily care what my my view is in the scene so long as I can make people laugh because I realized at the end of the day

being an entertainer, the number one thing that I have to do, or the number one like obligation that I have is in my community to entertain. So that's why like one of the biggest things that I got a lot of traction for when I was like a very small shimmer was that in the game I play, there are these like three foot tall characters, almost like dwarves. And I would always talk about how I wanted to like impregnate or sleep with them. So when I start talking about that, people started like being like, oh, you know, like, that's crazy. But then it's funny because over time, less and less people remember them.

They just remember the more like relevant things. So you're able to make people laugh while also realizing that whatever view they're going to have of you, as long as your content is continually progressing, that view is always ever changing and ever shifting as well. Okay. So I'm getting the sense that a lot of things that you say have a, I don't get the sense that you're like out of control and that you're like, because you seem to me is a super kind of like genuine, positive guy, loves your family,

pauses family guy so your dad doesn't miss a joke, lives on a boat, makes friends with kids in Grenada who don't have shoes. So that's the thing is, so what had happened actually is, when I was a very small streamer, think like maybe 22, up until I was about 100 viewers, I always was very toxic on stream. And there was this point about, I think it was two years ago now, where I was e-dating this girl online for about five months. And after five months, she decided to break up with me.

And one of the reasons why she did was because she said that she felt like the way I act online isn't really who I am. And she was like, I don't know why you pretend to be this tough guy, why you always like, we'll make threats or say all these things, when that isn't you. And after she had told me that that's when I started to really take a step back and realize that I was acting in a way that wasn't really me. And ever since then, I've always tried to, like, stick true to, I guess, who I am. Okay.

And can you tell me a little bit more about dating and relationships, if you're comfortable talking about that? Yeah. So my first ever, okay, so in high school, I didn't even so much as like kiss a girl, right? I had my first kiss when I think I was 18 or like 19, something like that. And the first actual relationship that I had was three years ago with a catfish. So at the time, my name was Doanel. And this person came to my chat, Tier 3 sub, changed their name to Doanella and pretend to be a girl. So I would get in calls with them for like six, seven hours a day.

We would like message each other for like hours and hours a day. and then I realized after a month of it happening that it was like a dude with a voice changer so that was a bit shitty because I was like supposed to flout and everything I took like the next semester off as well to like take time off to like go and visit that person because it was like this weird situation

where they were giving me a lot of money and they also had this other person that was corroborating everything they were saying so I thought it was real but then I found out later that that other person corroborating everything was just them on a second account. And like when we'd get in Discord calls as three of us,

it would be like them with two push-to-talk headsets, like talking as two different people. Holy shit, that's sophisticated. Yeah, so that was three years ago. And then two years ago. How did you figure that out? So it was because I was supposed to leave to go visit them in early September. And in late August, my mom said,

okay, look, I don't mind if you go. but I need to like know what's happening because I don't like if anything ever happens to you I need to know like who to contact so she was asking for like phones parents names parents phones company names like everything that could possibly be I guess like tied down with this person and then since she was like a cop at the time she was able to like verify a few things so she called me like one day after I gave her all the information and she said the phone numbers are burner phones the address is. our houses for sale. The names don't exist, right? The apartment they said they live at, the people I've never heard of them. So after that, I entered this kind of like depressive cycle, or depressive arc, I guess, for a few months. Because at the time, no one in the community really liked me, and I didn't really have any friends. So then I felt like the one thing that I did have, which was this girl, I didn't have this either anymore. So it just made me very down for like many, many months until I reapplied to go back into school.

in November. And then when I got accepted, I felt like, okay, nice. Like, I actually have, like, my future again, so it amts my mood up a bit, and then it was a lot better for me. What were you, what was it like to talk to someone for, like, six or seven hours a day? So it just felt like there was someone that was there that you could always, like, share things with, you know? And the thing is that I share a lot of the ways I feel are, like, the ideas. I'll have with my stream. But having like an individual person where you sit there and like you show things with

them and then they share things with you and you have this like mutual exchange, it's a different kind of feeling. So it felt nice and it felt like as comforting. So that was cool. So I'm getting the sense that you know, really authentic connections are very important to you. Yes. Yeah.

So like that's the thing about me is that nowadays I'm the kind of guy. where I could be talking to someone for like three months, right? And if they'll tell me a single lie, I'll block them the next day and never look back. Why? So, because it's just one of those things where I just can stand dishonesty. Like, dishonesty is just one of the things where I've been lied to so many times in the past by so many different people and have had my hopes up so many times that now I'm just at a point where if I identify even like a single red flag or anything like that. I'm just willing to immediately sever the connection because I know it's not worth pursuing.

How do you know it's not worth pursuing? Well, because if it was worth pursuing, they wouldn't feel the need to lie. Because they'd value, I guess, me having an accurate view of things over me having a perfect view of them. So if they lie to me, it just shows that they're completely self-interested in whatever they're doing. And because of that, I just realized that it's not worth it. Can I think for a second? Yeah. So you're saying that you'd much rather people be authentic and flawed than perfect and dishonest. Yeah, because it's just like the whole dishonest thing is really overdone for me.

So, like my first ever introduction with any kind of like relationship was the catfish. And then after that it was a few talking stages I had that ended because again like just like lying about a bunch of things. And then there was the next person that I dated, which was two years ago, who was like the person I dated for a few months. And then with her, like, I was there willing to give anything. And after like five or six months, I realized that she never really viewed her with the same seriousness that I did. So then that was like more months like that was, I guess, like wasted. And then after that it was more of things where it's like, you know, you talk to a girl for a month and then you realize a month in, oh, she has five different Discord accounts where she's appearing offline on that. the one she's talking to you on to go online on the other one and tell like five different

guys the same thing she's telling you right so then there was like that and then my relationship last year was like the nail in the coffin for me where i'd gotten cheated on because i had like introduced this girl to like my family like my parents grandparents everyone and then after she cheated on me that's when i just said all right i'm not doing any online ever again so then that's when i just kind of like stopped with the whole um talking stages online and since then I've just been kind of like completely focused on like the grind and like I don't I haven't really had like a person I'll sit there and talk to for hours a day since my ex like that's a year I mean it sucks but it is what it is because at the end of the day the amount of growth that I was

able to make and the amount of like the way I was able to I guess get to a point now where I can entertain more people and brighten more people's days and also become a better player is worth a tradeoff that I'm losing by talking to people that aren't authentic to begin with. That's one hell of a silver lining. Yeah. Do you do that a lot? I try to. Why?

Because, I mean, I realize that you can never really control, like, the things that happen to you. Like, right now, if a guy were to busts in through my window, right, and chop my head off with an axe, right? Like, there's something I can really do about that. But the cool thing is that I can, I guess, change how I react to it, you know? So that's why it's just like a nice thing that when you're able to control, I guess, like, how you react to different situations, you can maximize the amount of, I guess, stuff that you can learn or ways that you can grow from it, even if the situation itself is bad. Okay. Because I've noticed this thing with like league streamers especially

where there would be like league streamers, right, who they used to be a very high rank. And then after years of sitting there and blaming others for their mistakes. Nowadays, they're a lower rank, and the only person that suffers for it is them, because they'll sit there and now they'll have like lower viewer accounts, they'll have a lower rank, they'll have a lower, I guess, way of people viewing them in the scene. So that's one of the reasons as well. When it comes to the league, I try to take as much accountability as possible with my games and my performances, because it's when I take complete accountability for my situation in life that I feel like I've been able to progress the most. And when I get in these

victim mentalities where I feel like people are out to get me or like oh you know this guy's playing bad, that guy's playing bad and all that stuff then my streams suffer, my gameplay suffers, my rank suffers, right? So that's why I always try to keep myself as at the end day I'm the only one I could control.

So because of that I always try to I guess control how I react to every situation. Control seems very important to you. Yeah, extremely. I like I've never even gotten like I've gotten I guess like kind of drunk but never to the point that I like lose control of my actions I've never done drugs or anything like that either because like control is very important to me and also like self control is very important so that's why it's like losing control over my body and my own actions and my own mind is the one thing that I would never want so I stay away from all those kinds of substances where did you learn to fear loss of control that's a good Good question. I guess. I'd have to think about it more, but I guess the one thing that I could look at would be maybe like when I lived on a boat on the boat, right?

Occasionally, the thing about the boat is that it's not like living online. It's not like if you're in trouble, you can just call someone or if you're in danger, you can call the police, right? When you're on a boat, it's you against the elements and there's nothing else, right? So when there's a storm, when there's some kind of like, when there are waves that are threatening to capsize your boat and these kinds of things, it really is that like you can die and you can like, you can suffer, right? Like it's not just like there are safety nets, right? So maybe that was the first time that I encountered like an issue with control. It's like you can really control the elements outside and the elements will impact to you. I guess that's the only thing that I could really think of, though, because...

When you were... Do you remember storms on the boat? Yeah, most of the time I would sleep through them. But I remember that there were times that, like, my mom would get me and my brother in the, like, cockpit. And we would have to, like, we would pray, right? While my dad was out there, like, steering. And so there were, like, a few times. It was very, very, like, serious stuff.

And so was that scary for you? Um, not really, because I've always had this, I mean, I don't think it's a bad view, but I've always kind of like found myself as immortal. Uh, because it's just one of those things where, let's say I die tomorrow, right? I won't be conscious of the fact that I'm dead. Therefore, for every second that I'm alive, I am alive. So I am always immortal in my consciousness, right? So it's one of those things where since I'm always immortal, I've never really, I guess, like, feared anything like that because it was just one of the same thing. those things are, I mean, I'll live anyways.

Okay. So I want to point something out to you. I'm like, where did you learn how to fear loss of control? You're like, well, we could die on a boat. And I was like, what was it like to almost die on a boat? And you're like, eh, I'm okay with it. Yeah. So that doesn't line up to me. Does that make sense?

No, I get that. I mean, I guess, so that's why it's, because I've been fearing loss of control for a very, very long time now. And I don't know, I don't know, like, where it was when I was. younger. Where was your loss of control when you were younger? Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

We're going to. Yeah. I don't think it's the boat. Right? Because like, that scares normal people, like dying, but doesn't scare you. Right? Yeah. So when did you start getting worried about control?

Like, how old were you when you remembered? Were you like, so it sounds like you weren't scared of it on the boat? Well, actually, okay, so there was this one thing. So back then, me and my, so my parents would always watch shows with me and my brother, right? And some of the shows would cover, like, mature, I guess, content. So one of the shows that we watched was the unit. And it was a show about, like, I guess these military guys that would go overseas and, like, fight. And then it would also show, like, the military wives back home.

And I remember that one of the military wives was a cheater. and it always made me very, like, paranoid where at that point I was like, I was always thinking, like, is my mom cheating? Right. And there was this one time where I remember that she, because she would always do like yoga and stuff like that. And at one point she had went into her room with like the yoga instructor to practice meditations. And I remember grabbing a knife and then telling my mom that I was going to like cut myself. if she didn't open the door because I wanted to make sure she wasn't cheating.

And then I just like cut my thumb but it hurt really bad so I never did it again. How do you understand that? What do you mean? How do you understand what the hell that was? Understand what exactly. Let me think about how to answer that question.

Okay. So you're analytical, your introspective. Yeah. What do you think was going on with you in that moment. Well, I guess I thought that I didn't have any control over opening the door since it was locked. So I did have control over the fact that maybe I could pressure my mom and's opening the door if I threatened my own well-being.

Okay. So you were engaging in behaviors to exert control. Yeah. How old were you when this happened? Five or six. So pre-boat, post-vote. This was during the boat During the boat

Yeah Okay And how did your How did your mom respond? I don't even think she realized So what happened was she didn't open the door And then I was just there and I was like Oh that cut actually really hurt

So then I got a bandaid And do you know what happened to your fear? I mean The fear of what Of someone cheating or like stuff like that I mean it's always been there Yeah, it's always been there. Okay.

Yeah. So, like, after that, it's always been. And that's, like, again, one of the reasons why I always feel like I have to continually improve. Because it's one of those things where if you are always continually improving, then people, I guess, don't have a reason to leave or to find others because you are the best option, right? Like, let's say you're rank one, you know? Then why would they leave you for rank 10, you know?

And I guess this is the insecurity, because I think the first thing that you said is something about insecurity. Yep. Can you tell me a little bit about that? Yeah, I mean, I've always been like a really insecure guy. Just because it is one of those things where being younger, right, so it's like when you're a one viewer-shamer, right, you don't really have anyone that wants to interact with you, when you're bronze, no one wants to interact with you, when you're overweight people

and really want to interact with you. And it's not because of who you are, but because of like the characteristics that you show, show, right? Like the surface level characteristics. So the thing about me is that then when I managed to propel myself in every sense and I start to realize that, oh, now people want to interact with me when I have a hundred viewers or when I'm diamond or when my physique is getting better, then they're not really interacting with me for me. They're interacting with me for those characteristics, right? And how do you feel about that? I mean, I guess like, To a certain extent, it's like, you can't really blame most people for being shallow, right?

Because it's just like how people, I guess, are. All you can really do is try to find the ones that are genuine, even though it's like a small percentage, but they're still around. And then when you do find those ones, then you keep them close. Okay. How's this talk going for you? It's going well. I mean, I like talking about myself, so it's funny. I love listening to you, Dantes.

Thanks. I think you're just an amazing human being. Appreciate that. Is it okay that I said that? Yeah, I mean, it's just one of those things right. I don't like thinking that I'm like an amazing person or I think that because at the end of day I do still have like flaws and things like that. And I do so have things I need to work on.

So that's why whenever like people will give me compliments. all the time, I'll just say, oh, I could be better, you know. Like, people will tell me like, oh, you're entertaining, and I could be like, oh, I could be more entertaining. People will say, oh, you're handsome. I say, oh, I could be better, you know. Like, oh, you're muscular. I could be bigger, right?

Your high low, I could be higher ill. Okay. Do you want to be less insecure? I don't know. Because, so the problem is that my insecurity is part of the reason why I feel like I have to grind as hard as I do. Yeah. And the issue is that if I lose that insecurity, then would I also lose that fire that forces me to push myself?

So that's why it's one of those things where finding out how I would be able to be more insecure or less insecure would be good for me. So I could unlock it later down the line. But as things are right now, with everything going as well as it is for my career and things like that, it's almost like I would rather keep. that trade because it is like pretty essential for why even got to where I am to begin with. Yeah. I've never heard about anyone unlocking insecurity as like a positive talent trade or something like that, you know? Yeah, well, I mean, it's like the video game thing, right, where it's like you unlock the tree,

but then let's say you need to spend 300 gold to actually use it. Well, I'll just spend that 200 gold like two years from now, right? But at least having that option will always be there. Can I think for a second? Yeah, sure. I've written a lot. So I'm going to just try to... You said something about...

It's not quite revenge when people... So like, people didn't give you the time of day, right? They didn't like care about you and didn't give you respect or attention. And then as you became more successful, you started to get attention. And then I got this... You said something like, it's not quite revenge. Yeah. Can you help me understand that concept?

Yeah. So it's just one of those things where... Imagine there's a person who sits there and he only interacts with me because of my viewer account, right? Then by me not, I guess, developing an interpersonal relationship with him, that is my revenge because I realize that I'm only a what to him, not a who. So instead of spending my time developing, I guess, that fake relationship, I instead spend my time pushing myself further and further and further. and it just gets a point where that person never, like, they're never, I guess, like, gratified for trying to put on this front like they're interested. How do you feel about that?

I don't mind it because it's just one of those things where, like, in life, you're going to have very few, like, real friends, right? Like, people who will actually care. Most of the time it's just people who are acquaintances or who will view you as, like, something that they could benefit from. So, for example, right, let's say you have a friend group, and in this friend group there are 10 people,

and let's say two people actually really view you as a person, as a friend, and they really care. There could be one guy that calls himself for your friend, but he only likes to keep you around because you make him laugh, right? And you're a comedic relief for him. There could be another guy that only keeps you around because you have access to, like, a car, and you're able to, like, bring him places.

Another guy could only keep you around because for whatever other reason, right, maybe it's because you have access to big social circle and the fact that he could be exposed to bigger social circle just by being around you is something that interests him, right? So in any, like, I guess, like big group setting, you'll only really ever have a few people that genuinely truly care, and the rest is just kind of like the view as a tool, right?

So I guess my revenge is not making myself a tool that can be used, if that makes sense. Mm-hmm. So how do you feel when you do that? When I do what? When I don't like... When you don't let people take advantage of you and you... Yeah, I mean, it's just...

You leave those fuckers behind. Like, you leave them back in Bronze League. Yeah, so, I mean, it's just one of those things where it doesn't really make me feel anything. Because it's almost like, let's say you're the main character. And they're just like an NPC that's like waving at you. And they're like, hey, you know, like, please stop. My house is on fire. but you're there and you're doing the main quest

so you're like, you know, I don't care if your house burns, I'm chilling, right? Suddenly you just leave them and you're doing your own thing, right? You're not going to think back on the NPC. You're just going to be like it was an NPC. So it's the same kind of thing where it's like, people who only ever view me as a tool. It's just like, all right, well, I mean,

just kind of leave it behind, never look back kind of thing. How do you know they view you as a tool? Because, so the way that I analyze my own way of acting and my own way of being, I apply that same introspection when it comes to any kind of like interaction or any relationship or thing like that. And that's one of the reasons why I'm able to avoid so many bad interactions is because I can sit there and identify every single little thing, whether it be a tonality in a person's voice, a thing that they'll say, a way that they'll try to broach something, or even just like a way that they'll post and word are certain thing, right? Because I've always been a

very firm believer that the language that people use will give away how they try. truly feel, right? So that was one of the ways I was able to actually realize that my last two relationships weren't going to work out was because a few weeks before they ended, the girls that I was dating, they would start saying, I, me, instead of us, we. So just picking up on these little nuances, I was able to really understand, like, okay, so now in their mind, they don't view us as a pair, it's just us, it's just me and me on one side and them on another, right? So, so. So, So picking up on all these little things are just ways I'm able to, like, I guess, sift through all of these things. Makes a lot of sense.

Donis, are do you, is it, is it your belief, perception, experience that kind of the rules of life are fixed? Not necessarily. Okay. What do you? Because I think. Yeah, go ahead. Yeah. So, I mean, I think there are always exceptions to the role.

And that's the reason why I actually, I guess, love my own story so much. was when I was younger, I would always read books, right? I'd always read these, like, fantasy novels about these, like, little, these little, like, boys that would grow up in these, like, villages. And then they would end up growing up to be the, like, the king of the place or, like, the guy who would save the day, right? And the cool thing about me is that I feel like I was able to kind of emulate the protagonist I used to read about because in every kind of facet of my life,

I would always have to start out from the bottom. and just through like work, dedication, and drive, I would be able to bring my way to the top. So that's why it's one of those things where if the rules of life were fixed and how could I have done that? I'm not sure to say that if you're dedicated and motivated enough for something, then you'll be able to always succeed, right? Okay.

What do you think about me? About you? Yeah. You pay attention to tone, you know, voice. Yeah, so I mean, I think... What's going on between us? I think you're intrigued. I don't think that you're putting on like a facade that you find me interesting.

I think that there are like things about me that you do like genuinely find it interesting. And it's like I guess it's not like a normal talk because I feel like a lot of the people that you do talk to, they don't really have these kind of understanding. So you help them get to that understanding. But then since I've already like reached most of these, it kind of like brings on a new layer for you. Okay. Yeah. And are, are you interested in? help okay so the thing so the reason why i kind of like reached out right was because there will be

some nights like last night for example where i'll sit there and i'll do a 12 hour stream and everything will go good right um i'll have no issues nothing will happen but then i'll just kind of end the stream and i'll just stare at my wall and i'll feel empty and there's just like nothing there and i won't want to talk to anyone i won't want to like engage with anyone one and then I'll just like go to bed and that's actually what it feel it's felt like um for the majority of the times I'll end my stream for years now you know where it's just like end stream and then instead of like going out and meeting up with friends right or doing all these things i'll just kind of sit there think and like listen to music or stare at my like ceiling or out my wall

right so I guess just I don't know why it happens um I don't know like what it is like that feeling of being emptiness. I'm not sure if it's like something that is because of all these insecurities and it's just like this stream is just like a distraction or if it's just one of those things where being able to share so many experiences with so many thousands of people that now that it's over, it feels like I'm empty compared to where I was just a few minutes prior. But it's never really like a good feeling to have, you know. So you described an experience that you have with stream, after stream. I asked you if you want some kind of help. I'm not sure that those.

So do you want help with that? Yeah. Just, yeah, so it's one of those things where I guess just that feeling of like emptiness and finding ways to not feel that emptiness and to still like, because even when I'll like, let's say I'm out with friends, right, or something like that, I'll always feel like, okay, well, being out with friends is cool. but I could be grinding, right? And I'm never able to actually live in the moment.

I'm always kind of like thinking what else I could be doing or what I should be doing in the future. And it kind of like limits my, I guess, enjoyment from a lot of things. So finding a way to, I guess, counteract that would be like pretty good. Okay. So can I think for a second? Sure. I feel like I'm in a challenger level game.

I've been dropped into a challenger level conversation. I have to pause and pretend I've got some sort of keyboard malfunction so I can figure out what moves I want to make on the map when we unpause. I think it was a compliment. I think your camera just got a little bit blurry if there's anything you can do about that. yeah okay so you're not able to really live

fully in the moment still a little bit blurry if you can try to the hand swipe I know it's kind of weird it's just okay yeah there we go I think that's better okay whatever

okay it's not important okay let me let me try to understand I'm gonna just like kind of think out loud okay yeah so it's not great to stream for 12 hours

and be empty at the end yep at the same time, streaming for 12 hours, even if it causes emptiness, is worth it. Well, it's just one of those things where the problem is that my mind works in a way where I'll always think what I, what could have gone better, right? So I'll sit there and I'll swim for 12 hours and I'll think like, you know, I won 20 games today, but I could have won 21. And just the fact that I could have won that 21st game and I didn't will, like, well, like, you know, I won 20 games today. leave this permanent burning mark in my mind that I should have won

that 21st game and I just didn't and I'm not able to actually enjoy the fact that I won the other 20 because that 21st was bad Okay Yeah so like there have been times in my life where I'll stream and I'll plan on streaming for like 10 hours and then I'll just stream

for 17 hours because you know I can't end on a loss and the fact that I've just lost like six games in a row would mean that the stream ended on a bad note and I can't allow for it right Okay. I'm still hearing that that's a price you're okay paying, right? It is, but it's just one of those things where I don't think it's necessary.

Okay, so something to be optimized. Yeah, yeah, so it's like, it's just one of those things where, like, being able to identify that things could have gone better is like a good thing, and I'll always have that. But I just need to find a way to make it so that it doesn't, I guess, impact the entire rest of, the day and the entire rest of the time that I'm awake, the fact that that could have gone better. Like, if I could find a way to just identify it, but not allow it to completely overtake me to the point where I feel like I'm in this emotional whirlpool, where everything went bad, then that's what I would need. What are the emotions in the emotional world pool? So, okay, so what will happen is that when things are going like a bit bad or like, let's say

I'm overthinking. The problem is that I get to the point. point where I'll think and then I'll think about the thoughts I'm having and then I'll think about the thoughts of the thoughts and all these kinds of things until it gets a point where it feels like my mind is my head is literally spinning and that sometimes lasts for like 20 minutes sometimes like hours and it'll just like be that way until I decide to go to bed. Okay. Okay. Thank you for sharing that. Yeah. Okay. So then the other thing is that you have difficulty being present when you're with your friends. Friends, family, things like that in general, yeah.

And what keeps it makes it hard? Oh, because you're thinking about how you could be grinding or things like that. Yeah, so, I mean, it's just one of those things as well where the thing about being like a live streamer is that it's different from being a YouTuber, right? Because if you're a YouTuber, you just upload, you could sit there record for five hours, have content for the next five days. And then for four days, you'll be chilling and it doesn't really matter, right? But as a live streamer, for every hour that you're not alive, someone else is life. For every hour that you're not engaging with your community, someone else is engaging with your community. So it's just one of those things where in order to, I guess, be the best streamer, that's one of the reasons why the people that are the best,

they're the people who stream for as many hours as they do. Because they're always able to, I guess, like, harness that connection with their audience, always able to build upon it and all that kind of stuff. Okay. And do you have any kind of experience or opinion with religion or spirituality? Yeah, I mean, okay, so can I stand up and walk around for this? Yeah, sure. Nice.

Okay, so my mom was always, like, really spiritual, right? And the thing is that she would always, like, talk to me about, like, religion. When I was younger, we would always do prayers. But I would never really, like, go to church or any of these things, right? And one of the crazy things, right, I guess like the most notable experience I've had with spirituality was this one time two years ago, before the girl that I was like dating online broke up with me. I had started seeing the number two to two everywhere. And at this time, I was like trying to find a way to come into the scene as like much as I possibly could. And what happened was is I was starting this number everywhere and I searched it up and it meant good things to come, right?

So then what happened was is I just kept streaming as I normally did And I started like Hyping on my streams on Twitter Because I was doing this like new thing And in the span of a month My view account went from like two to like 800 So ever since then

Right Every time I see the number 2 to 2 It always precedes good events Like the other time that it happened Was last year Because What happens to me It wasn't necessarily just

that I had gotten cheated on. It was because I'd also had heart issues, and those heart issues had almost, like, killed me. So it was one of those things where I had to, like, come to terms with my mortality, and then also had to deal with the fact that I was getting cheated on that left me, like, in a really bad state. And my viewer accounts went from anywhere from about, like, 1,000 to, like, 1,300 to about, like, 5 to 600, and that's when I thought about, like, going back to school,

and I thought about like, oh, well, I probably have to like re-enroll. And then I started seeing the number 222 again. I went to Europe. And then while in Europe, I was able to spike my VIR account from like 600 to like thousands. And it like revived my stream. So that's why it's just one of those things where 222 is just like one of those numbers or when I see it. I always feel like that connection with it. And also because my birth date is also like 222.

Because it's the February 2nd, February 2nd of 2002. So how do you, like, how does that work? So I'll, like, look at a viewer count of, let's say, a shimmer, and I'll see 2-2, or I'll go outside. I'll see the price of something, 2-2, or I'll sit there, I'll look at a license plate, 2-2, or just like, it'll be, like, literally everywhere, or I'll be playing my game, right? And then I'll look at my end-game, like, timer, and it'll be 2-2. And there was even this one time, sometime recently, where I had done this stream. And the stream had ended at exactly like two hours, 22 minutes, you know.

So just always seeing this like sequence of numbers. Yeah. So it was just like stuff like that. So do you have a sense of like how that works like in the universe? Like is that like God or is that like is it some weird? So when I was younger, around 16, I used to always browse fortune. Chan. And when I would like browse for Shan, one of the boards that I would go on was the paranormal one. So they had recommended this one book called the Caballion, which kind of talks about the seven like rules of the universe, right?

And one of the things I talked about the universe was that when you're dreaming, you create a universe within your mind, right? and the teaching of the caballion was that what we are actually experiencing, the universe that we are in, it's not actually like a physical universe, so much as it is, this mental creation of a greater being. So because of that, we're all living in this like mental state, which means that if you will, something into existence enough, you are able to have it since you aren't living in a physical place, but rather a mental place, right? So that's why it's something that I've always kind of applied to my own life as well with like my grinds. And it's one of the reasons as well why I don't think anything is impossible, right? Because if you're willing to build it into existence enough and you're willing to work hard enough for it, right? Then how can you not create it when everything is mental? Sure.

I have had a very similar experience in conclusion. Oh yeah? Yeah. But thank you for sharing that. I think it helps me put some things into context. Yeah. So let me just toss some stuff at you. Okay.

And let me know where to begin. Okay. So I'm noticing that there's so, so I'm noticing that you're, you have to make a lot of kind of tradeoffs. Earlier we talked about sacrifice. Maybe it's not really a sacrifice. But what I'm sort of noticing is that when you put a talent point in one part of the skill tree, you're not putting it in a different part of the skill tree. Yeah, exactly.

Right. So there's like, I mean, everything that I'm hearing about your life is very like opportunity costs. So for example, we're going to grind in our 20s, right? I'm going to spend 12 hours a day streaming most days of the week so that I can have freedom in my 30s. That's the price. Right. And it's one of those things as well where another reason why I further feel like, I guess, like that claim is a real thing is because when was 16, I always told myself, you know, I might not look good now. But if I work out every day,

then I know that by the time I'm like 20, 21, I'll look good, you know? And when I was a smaller streamer, I said, you know, like, even though my streams might have three viewers now, if I grind every day and I give my all for this, then there will come a day where it pays off, right? So it's just one of those things where, you know, you have those like momentary things where you are doing those things every day. And then years down the line, you look back and you're like, oh, all those infinitely small progressions that you made actually ended up in this big progression, right? Do you want your life to be different, Dantus? I mean, I think right now it's in a very good state.

Like, I don't really have any complaints at all with my career. My family life, I think, is good. The only thing, I guess, I would say, would be, I guess being able to, like, trust again would be a good thing. Then it's one of those things where, you know, if you trust someone and then you get shit on for it, well, G, gee, you know. Because the problem is that it's, it's one of those things where I have like a, I feel like I have a greater responsibility for myself, not only because of myself, but also my audience, right? So, like, if I get involved with someone that isn't good for me mentally, then the issue is that not only do I have to suffer, but then if my behavior is worse on stream now and I have a lower energy, then all the people who would look to me to, I guess, like, brighten their days, now they suffer as a result because of the actions of this one person.

So that's like another thing where it's like, why would I give anyone that opportunity, right? Okay. So, any questions for me? I'm just waiting to see what you have to say. And then after that, I'll probably- What would you like me to talk about? Like, is there something in particular that you're curious about my thoughts on? Uh, what's your view on me?

Great. Give me a second. I'll give you a next to. Okay, so I'm going to try to, I, can I, I, I'd like permission to take two cracks at that answer. So what I'm going to do, I think, is I'm going to kind of just dump a lot of stuff out. Okay. And then in that process, it'll get kind of organized. and then I may pull out the iPad and then I may dump it at you again.

All right, perfect. Is that cool? Yeah. You're welcome to interrupt at any point. If anything I say makes you uncomfortable or you're like, hey, I actually don't want to talk about this, it may be very hard for you to interrupt me, but please interrupt me. Can I help you for that? I mean, yeah, sure.

It's not fine, if it's not fine. No, it's always fine. That's a problem. So we'll get to that. Okay. No, it's not always fine. That's what needs to change. TLDR.

Okay. Okay. So first thing is I noticed that like, you touch your hair a lot. Yeah. What's up with that? Just because like, I don't like when it looks bad. So I wanted to look good. So I always have to readjust it.

So it looks good because I just see B using like hair products. You're what? I, CBA. CBA means I can't be asked. So I like, I like can't be asked using hair products because it's too much like effort. So instead I just like, we'll do that. Why is it important that your hair look good? I don't know.

Just because I don't want to look like bad. And what's the consequence of looking bad? I don't know. Maybe people think I'm ugly. Okay. So here's the challenge, okay? What are you feeling right now as I point this out to you, putting you under a microphone? microscope.

I feel okay with it. I like being analyzed. That I understand. I know you're okay with it. Close your eyes. What are the things you detect within you? The things I detect within me? Yeah.

Okay. You know when you're like drawing like a thing and then you have the skeleton? Uh-huh. It's like right now I view my skeleton, but the little like particle in my stomach is flashing really brightly. Okay. And I don't know why. Is it a good feeling or bad feeling? It's okay.

I mean, now it's subsiding. Like, no, I'm good. Okay, good. So open your eyes. Let's get back into it. So here's what I'm hearing. Somewhere along the way, you realized that you will be judged. Yep.

The other thing is that being judged, first impressions are like really important, right? Mm-hmm. Like, very, very important. What you display is very, very important because shit is temporary. Yep. Best friends for two weeks and then on to something else. Exactly. So like, you got to knock it out of the park.

Like the first five minutes of the game that you play, every interaction. Like at the beginning, everything is super important. Yep. And you've been on the receiving end of people like treating you like crap because of what you look like or whatever, right? Well, it was never so much that I was treated like crap. So much as it was, I was never given the time of day. Right. So I think that's, people didn't give you attention.

Like they ignored you. Like you weren't worth spending time on. Yep. Right. And, and so like, at some point you were like, fuck that. That ain't, I'm not going to be that anymore. I'm going to be the king. Right?

Like ain't no one, I'm never going to have to lie about my weight again. Like what's going to happen is you had to lie about your weight to avoid being made fun of and feeling embarrassed. And it's not even clear that someone was even going to make fun of you. But what you're going to do is you're going to next time someone fucking asks you, you're going to tell them what your weight is. It's going to be the truth and they are going to shut the fuck up. They're going to understand who's Challenger League and who's Bronze League. Right? Yeah. It's going to be completely authentic.

It's going to be completely correct. and ain't no one going to complain about you. And as you've succeeded, as you've grown, as you've grinded and sacrificed, did you really sacrifice who the fuck knows? Because maybe you didn't sacrifice. It's all good, right? It's a trade.

It's opportunity to cost, all that kind of stuff. As you've gotten better and better and better, you started, people are like, oh, Dantes, oh, my God, you're so great, bruh, talk to me, give me attention. And you're like, uh-uh. I'm moving past. Yeah. You bitch, when I was streaming and I had two viewers, where the fuck were you?

And now that I'm big, now you want to be my friend? It's not, and I don't get the sense that you have any malice, right? You don't actually wish any ill on that person, but it's like, yeah, right? And even you could say that I could fall into that because it's not like I was talking to you like two years ago or whenever, right? Like here we are now. Like now that you're big. Like now we're going to talk to Dr. K. Yeah.

Right. So this is, this is interesting, right? Because this is how life works. Mm-hmm. It's about the performance you put on. There's a very tiered system of like the people who deserve respect and the people who don't deserve respect. And you're damned if you're ever going to be at the bottom.

So fuck that, right? We're going to like, we're going to grind to the top. We're going to be, we're going to be someone. Once we will get into. the whole control and fear of uncertainty and crap like that, hopefully in a second. I don't know how I'm going to get there, but we'll get there. So this is like the first thing. Mm-hmm.

Okay. How does that sound to you? Yeah. It sounds, I would say pretty accurate. Yeah. Okay. Is that a problem? I don't think so.

Okay. So I think it could be a problem. And here's the reason why. Okay? So I think that... So you're trying to... form, right? Like, like, it's very important that you project the right thing and authenticity is really important to you. But I just want to kind of like point out a different perspective.

So I think part of the reason that people could lie to you is because I don't know if this is going to make sense. You may disagree with it, but I'm going to just invite you to be, just consider it. Is that because like they do really care about you, right? So let's say someone has an authentic relationship and you equate lying to you as. as an inauthenticity in the relationship. Can I interject for a second? Yeah, please. Okay.

So the problem is that I do agree with you. So the issue is, right, let's say I tell someone that I've been lied to very many times, right? And they understand this. And then they're going to sit there and they care about me so much that they want to have what's best in mind for me. But they know that I'll view them differently if they tell me the truth about something. so then they lie, right? In that case, the person is prioritizing, they're prioritizing,

me having a good view of them over the truth of the situation, which shows that it comes out of a place of self-interest. So them caring about me is only because they're self-interested to begin with, because if they truly did care, then they'd understand that me not wanting to interact with them anymore because of the truth is something that is at my discretion.

So I'm with you. I think that's a very valid set of rules, right? That's a set of rules. I think the key thing that I think it's very hopeful. I think it's important, but I'm going to make a pitch to you that it's important. Is that based on the experiences that people have in life, they come up with their own set of rules. And you were very clear that like this is the way that I interpret someone's behavior based on my strategic thinking.

The key thing that I think there are things that I think you're doing that may not be optimal and one is like, so I get that honesty is important. I'm not saying that you should tolerate lying or anything like that, but my point is that

everyone has a different set of rules, right? And those are the truths of their life because those are the experiences that they grew up with. And there may be people who, for example, like I've worked with patients whose parents have lied to them about having terminal cancer. And the kid is like, I've had patients who are like, I know something is wrong.

Tell me what's wrong. And the kid is seven. And the parents are like, no, nothing is wrong. No, nothing is wrong. And I don't think that those parents were lying out of self-interest. I think they were lying out of love. Is it a mistake in some ways? Does it cause problems?

Absolutely. That's why they're my patient to begin with. that's why I ended up is my patient. So I'm not saying it's the right thing to do. I'm saying that I think that some of the conclusions, so the conclusions that you have are based on your experiences and your perspectives on life. Yep. Other people can lie for all kinds of reasons.

It doesn't necessarily mean what it means for you. Does that make sense? Yeah. Now, here's the reason that I'm even bringing it up in the first place. You want a family one day. Yep. sounds like, 30 years old. Presumably there's a partner involved.

Yeah. And when we think about that partner, I think that there's a very real chance that because it's like strike one and you're out, right? It's not three strikes in you're out. Yeah. Not with Dantes. And so the problem is that like what you're doing is you're cutting out,

you know, 100% of the population in terms of finding a partner because no one's perfect. Well, I understand not being. perfect, but it's just one of those things where, you know... Hold on. Let me finish. I'm with you. So here's the problem.

Is that when someone does you wrong, okay? I understand. I know you know that no one's perfect. Yep. The problem is that I think what could be helpful, and this is why I'm stumbling to find it, is that hearing the other person's perspective could be a step that will help you a lot

in the long run. Because what's going on is you're making a judgment and you're forming a conclusion and then you're asking on that. I'm not hearing that there's space for the other person to explain or justify or even correct. Well, it's one of those things where, okay. So when I have a connection with someone, right, think of it like there's this line that's tethered between me and them, right?

and that's a line of, let's say, pure intention, right? Where it's like, there's this line, it's pure intention, and it's mutually, like, bound. Okay. And the second that that person will do anything, that line gets severed. And I wouldn't have any, I guess, like, problems interacting with that person again, right? Or hearing them out or whatever it might be. But that line could never be repaired, if that makes sense. Because it's just one of those.

those things where maybe it's just because where I am in my career or it might just be that, but I view it as a thing where eventually, right, you'll find someone who won't do that. And right now, my priority should be on like my career, my focus, all that kind of stuff, that giving someone a second chance, why would I even bother with it when I don't even kind of like prioritize that at the moment? Sure, sure, sure, sure. So if you decide that, hey, like, I'm not interested in relation. I'm not, I'm not saying you should give people second chances because of that.

What I'm saying is that you're playing a game of League of Legends where one death equals your, whatever the base is gone, right? Okay. Because you're like that, like, there's no respawning. And so what's happening is you're playing a game where like the second a single person on your team dies, you lose the game. It's like this connection is severed. Can you hear me out for something, though? Yeah, of course. Okay.

So let's say we sit there and we say that like, okay, how many acquaintances versus friends would you say you have? Like acquaintances versus like real friends, just a percentage. Probably 0.1% of... Okay, perfect. Perfect. That's what I needed to know. So you would say 0.1% of your acquaintances are real friends, correct? Yes.

Okay. Or even less. Or even less. you're just making better. Yeah, I know. So it's one of those things where then I would ask you, I would say, okay, if I were to apply that same kind of thinking to relationships now, right, where people who would have genuine capacity to care

and genuine capacity to like do all these things, they're a part of such a minusical percentage, right, that even though 99% of them might not fill that criteria, that 99% would just be those fake friends, right? And what I'd be looking for would be that 0.1.01% where it is actually genuine because I wouldn't want to waste my time. Would that make sense to? It makes sense. Yeah.

So there's an important question that you need to ask me. Yep. Which is how does someone become a friend? I guess you're like talking with you, engaging with you. But how does someone become a friend? Right. So if you think about like the relationships, so I think a big part of that is that you're assuming that there's a there's an assumption baked in there. Whereas in my experience, a big part of becoming a true friend is frequently having disagreements and then repairing them. Yes, but I think that I think that there's a difference between having a disagreement and something like lying about a serious thing.

Yeah, you're right. Yeah. So it's like it's, it's, it's very. of those things, right, where like, imagine that a girl tells me, like, you know, I really like goat cheese and I hate goat cheese. I'm not going to look at that girl and be like, well, you're dead to me now. I never want to talk to again, right? But it's one of those things where it's like, I think lying is just, I think lying is at the same level as cheating in the sense of like dishonesty and like. Let's get, okay, so I'm, I'm with you. I'm not disagreeing with anything you're saying. So now the question is why is lying at the same level as you?

cheating. Because in both of those things, that person is putting themselves as a priority over, I guess, the union as a whole. Could you envision scenarios in which lying benefits the union as opposed to the individual? I would. But then the, see, I mean, I could because imagine, yeah, but so I guess then I would rephrase and what I would say is it has to do with like the person would be willing to put you before them rather than the union. So I'm curious, Dantes, if we continue talking about this, where do you think we would end up? Any idea? With a solution? I don't think so. I think this is a dead end conversation. I'll explain to you why in a second. Okay. So we can absolutely have it. So what I want to, next thing we're going to talk about is how cognitive you are.

Yeah. Right? So you approach everything cognitively. And so you're trying to figure out like, I can debate logic with you all day long. Yeah. But one of the things that I kind of want to point out to you, I don't know if this is going to make sense. I'm not trying to engage with you logically. I'm just making an observation.

I'm not trying to trap you. But so like one thing that a lot of people don't know is that the logic of your mind is actually controlled by your emotion. Okay. So what I've noticed, I'm not sure I could be wrong, is that sometimes I'll ask you questions about kind of how you feel and I'll get very like cognitive answers. Like you'll tell me a story that illustrates the feeling, but sometimes you're really confused. And so for example, like, why is lying so important to you? It has nothing to do. I mean, not nothing.

That is the way that you're cognizant. So when you have an emotion, your cognition will interpret it, if that makes sense. Like our emotions are like radio signals that then get translated into words. But the signal and the word is different. Does that make sense? Yeah. So I guess like my answer then would be like, why is lying so important to me is because I think a lie would put me in danger, right?

Or in potential danger. And then I would just want to escape that situation. Because even though I might not come to bodily harm, right? If my career down the line is like future harm by it, then that is like a harm to me. So as a result, I view it as like a dangerous situation. Yeah, absolutely. And that makes perfect sense. So I think this is why lying is like one and done for you.

I'm not talking about goat cheese, okay? Good example, right? So I see what you're saying there. But I think it's like, let's be honest. Why are you terrified and will have no second chances for people lying to you in relationships? It's because you got fucking catfished. It's because people have lied to you over and over and over again. And boy, have you gotten burned, burned, burned,

burned, burned, burned. Yeah. Right? It's like, hey, let's five, five man all down mid. Let's go. This is the winning strategy. No, you're not going to do that anymore. It's fucking dumb.

We've played that game before. It's going to lead to losing. It's going to lead to all this kinds of shit. It's just bad. Makes perfect sense. Still, it's problematic. In my opinion. This is my, and I'm not the speaker of truth, by the way.

No, of course. Yeah. So, so I think here's what I'm sort of hearing is it's kind of like, it's traumatic. Does that make sense? Yeah. And I think a big part of what you're struggling with, so I'll go into something else. So you've figured out this strategy of life, which is like, I'm going to be a Chad, I'm going to be the best, right? And as you become more and closer and closer to the best, like, how do you feel about yourself? Like, I could be better. So what do you think about that? Like, so why be best in the first place? I think that becoming the best isn't

something that you can ever truly achieve so much as it is a mentality that you're in. Has nothing to do with my question. Why become best in the first place? Because it gives you purpose. What's the point of purpose? Gives you a reason to look forward to something. And what are you looking forward to? Something that only you can control, which is things that you grind for. Okay. So I'm not hearing happiness. I'm not hearing happiness. I'm not hearing.

contentment. I'm not hearing peace. I'm not hearing going to bed every night and feeling full of joy. I'm not hearing being able to be present. I know you want those things. But I think you're right with everything that you've said. So it's giving you a reason to wake up. It's giving you the capacity for control. And what does control give you? It gives you security. If you have security, it gives you freedom. And if you have security, no one's going to get to hurt you. Yes. You are invincible. And so your whole life is about the avoidance of hurt. What do you think about that?

Tell me how I'm wrong. I don't think you're wrong. I think that it's, I think that for somebody that wants to become one of the greatest somebody does, it's a mentality that you almost have to foster for at least a few years. So you can actually pursue everything fully. Yes, you're 100% right. And you're completely missing the point. And sorry for being so condescending.

No, no. Because why become the best, right? So I get that that's the mental. So this is what's happening. Like I'm talking to you about this over here. I'm like, bro, their jungler keeps on ganking top. And you're like fucking sit in the jungle. And you're like, hey, I'm like grinding creeps because I need my item.

I'm like, no, no, no, no. I'm with you. You're 100% right. Everything you're saying is 100% right. That there is a strategy to become successful in number one in life. You have figured it out. You are devoting yourself to it. And you are fucking crushing it, my bro.

Right? Thank you. Yeah. And that's not the game that I'm talking about. Because as you become more successful, what happens to the emptiness within you when you stop playing? Your numbers have gone up to 800,000s. What happens to the emptiness? Stays.

Stays. Now, you have this assumption that it's, some point you're going to circle around a family, right? Yeah. Got to be careful there. I've worked with a lot of people that 20s, become 30s, become 40s. I don't think you're one of those people. I think you're going to circle around to it. I really do. Something about you's a little bit different. At the same time, do you see kind of what I'm saying? Because you're never going to be the best, but you're chasing the best. And why are you chasing the best? Because it gives you a reason to get up in the morning. Why do you want to be the best? Because you don't want to

fucking be the fat kid anymore. You're like tired of people like treating you like, not treating you like shit because they didn't treating you like you don't exist. Yeah. And it's also a thing as well though where it isn't necessarily only from a place of, I guess, like, disliking what I once was so much so as it is also that, you know, growing up with the, I guess like having a lot of my role models be those like book characters, the fact that now I can push myself every day to a point where it's like, I look in the,

mirror and I look like the the mental image that I used to conjure in my mind when I'd read these stories right like it's I guess a good feeling for me yeah so so I think it's it there's definitely a lot of positive stuff right but I I'm still like no matter how swole you look and no matter how sexy you are in your tank top you're still adjusting your hair right when is it enough yeah no that's the thing so it's one of those things where even though might look the way I do. I don't think I look good. Right. Like, I'll sit here and I'll, so that's my fucking point, right? So you're living a strategy where you are succeeding everything that you want, but it's not actually helping you feel better about yourself.

Yes. That's, what do you think about that? It is what it is. Do you want it to be different? Well, would it be possible? It's one of those things where if I'd only have to deal with that emptiness, right, for like a few years and then I'd be able to have, I guess, like the future life that I envision, then it's worth it. If, that's one hell of an if. Yeah. And here's my experience. You don't have to wait until you're 30 to start feeling fulfilled today.

Because the problem is that the strategies that you're engaging in aren't actually moving the needle. Right? You've become swole, but you still look at yourself in the mirror and it's not enough. Yeah. Like, logically, you've made progress. You've made a ton of progress. You are in the top 1% of fat kids in the way that they look 10 years later.

Top 0.1%. And does it do anything? I think it does. Does something to your self-esteem, right? Like, you feel good. Like, you like a piece of it. You're like, yeah. Well, you...

Yeah, I mean, it gives me less to criticize, but I mean, I could be leaner. I could be bigger, right? Yeah, right? So it gives you less to criticize. And that's kind of what I'm saying is that, like, I'm not hearing fulfillment. I'm hearing less things to criticize about. But is there a difference between happiness and fulfillment? Are you happy?

Well, no, but that's what I'm trying to get at, right? Like, let's say, like, would it be possible that even having all these things that I can push for fulfillment and all that stuff without necessarily feeling happy? But I would still be, because I think that fulfillment is the sense that you can work towards something every day and say, today I work towards that. And even if you have criticisms, those criticisms will leave you unhappy, but it won't necessarily leave you unfulfilled. Are you fulfilled? I don't know. Maybe if I hit rank one career, will. see. Okay, so like, I'm not disagreeing with anything that you're saying, but it doesn't

fucking matter if there's a different, you're right, there is a difference between those two things. You're 100% right. Deeply spiritual, dude, you're like, it's great. You're doing awesome, by the way. We'll get to all that. I'm not disputing, but the question is, is that the issue that you face? I mean, the issue is just like the emptiness. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like, here you are, and this is what I mean about the cognitive reliance. You're like fucking talking to me about the philosophy of happiness and Full Mill, you absolutely got a point there. But that's, I mean, like, that's not what you're dealing with today. Yeah.

Right? And I get that you're planning for the future and you want to figure out how happiness and fulfillment works so that you can, once you figure it out right, once we answer all these questions, then you're going to figure out your plan. You're going to figure out your 10 year plan. You're going to do this. You're going to do this. You're going to end up happy.

Right? Because if you once you, and so I think those are all useful stuff. You are by far one of the most interesting people I've talked to because you're like, it's like you're so good at League of Legends. but you're not playing with a mouse. Like you're using just the keyboard. It's really bizarre. That's the best analogy that I've got.

There's just a dimension of stuff that you're not even touching. And yet you're doing so good. Yeah. I don't know if that makes any sense. I mean, I can kind of say, I guess you're saying that you're only living life kind of like half the way you should be, but it's almost like you're doubling where you would normally be, right? Yeah.

So what I'm saying is that even though you're making lots of progress and there's lots of good stuff happening, you're not actually moving the needle very much at the things that you want to... There is a dimension of things that you want to move, which you're not touching at all. And you have the assumption that if you get swole, you will like the way that you...

When you see yourself in the mirror, you're going to like it. And there is absolutely an objective level, an intellectual level of satisfaction. Yep. But there is something within you that is hungry, which no matter how many... you do at the gym, how many fucking protein shakes you make? What's happening to that hunger?

I thought it's there. So will reps at the gym, logic Chad, make the hunger go away? No. Two viewers, 800 viewers, thousands of viewers, bronze, silver, gold, diamond, platinum, whatever the fuck, Challenger. Are you good enough? No. Can you take a couple years off yet? No.

What has to happen before you can take a couple years off? You have to feel secure. And yet all of your progress does not increase your security. Yeah. So let's understand how to increase your security. With me so far? Want to tell me to go fuck myself? No, no.

Am I missing something here? Nope. Did I misunderstand you? Not at all. Okay. You can say that. Is this okay that I'm saying this stuff to you? Yeah, no. I mean, like, I'm complete, so that's one of the things is that one of the things that actually made me as good of a league player as I am is I'm willing to put, I guess, like, my ego aside and really, like, understand outside views to be able to further make myself better than I am.

Because if I get criticized, right, instead of initially having this, like, emotional reaction, instead I'll take the criticism and I'll say, I can use that criticism to upgrade myself, right? Yeah, yeah, we're going to have to get rid of that, too. Okay. Could you just give me a sign to go bathroom? Yeah. Go for it. Okay. Okay. I think I got something for you. Okay, Dantes? Give me just one second. We're going to start with a couple of examples. Okay. So I'm going to try to, I got to figure out. I'm going to screen share with you. Okay. So bear with me, bro.

Okay. So that's there. There's beautiful Dantes. Okay. All right. So Dantes, here's the thing. Yep. Okay, so what I'm, you've made tons of progress, right? So there's hunger. Hunger fuels ambition. Ambition fuels effort. Effort fuels progress. Yes.

Progress gives you the idea of future security. Yep. Now, if we're going to be fair, there's some real security already, right? there's also like some amount of like pride right yeah like you can feel good like you can feel like authentically i don't think you've got low self-esteem does that make sense uh no i wouldn't say so either right but what it is is it's like in your mind okay here is your esteem which is pretty much healthy but i don't know if this is going to make much sense there's some corner of it that no matter like how much this grows,

there's like some corner that kind of stays the same. Does that represent your experience? Yeah. Okay. So like you can keep on making this shit bigger. And this is what we sort of mean about progress. But this stuff kind of stays the same. So what we're talking about is like how do you make this go away?

And by extension, once you figure out how to make this go away, you will also figure out how to do this. this, which is create, like, whatever the fuck fulfillment means. This emptiness and stuff like that, this is going to be filled. Does this make sense? Yeah. But the key thing to understand is that this process and this process are separate. And we can agree on that?

You can logically argue with me later, but just is it understandable enough to where you can presume my hypotheses? Yeah, I agree. So what we're going to talk about is how to fix this. Okay. So, rule number one, emotional wounds require emotional healing. Does this make sense to you? It makes sense, sir.

Okay. So if we kind of think about, so where did the hunger come from? Where did the insecurity about your appearance come from? Um, I guess it would just come from like the feelings that I would get when I wouldn't necessarily get noticed or not even just that, but then also when I would start to make progress and I would see good reactions, then that would also add on to it as well. Beautiful. So that's weird, right? Okay, so it's weird because when you make progress, how do you feel about the way that you look? The same?

It's weird, right? So, okay, let's understand this. So you grew up. Here is... I'm trying to figure out how to do this compassionately. Here's you as a fat kid. You don't have to be compassion. It's fine.

Yes, I do. No, it's show. I don't mind. That's the problem. We're going to get to that. Okay. Right? So I understand that you don't feel hurt by it,

but you are getting hurt by it. Yeah. Okay? So here's you as a fat kid. So fat kid learns what? appearances equals worth right?

Yes. Now here's the question when you become this is my attempt at muscles. You've got these muscles, right? And everyone's like, oh, Dantes, oh my God. What does this do?

Does this reinforce this idea? Yeah. Absolutely. So do you see nothing is changing? Yep. This is why, like, you can get as swall as you want to. You can get more muscles, right? You can get a bigger dick, whatever.

Doesn't matter. But more and more muscles actually goes to reinforce this idea. Yep. So, where does this come from? This comes from judgment around your appearance. Now, here's the reason people get stuck in this. Because what do you think, what do you think heals this wound? have any idea?

I guess being shown that you do have worth apart from your appearance. Absa fucking lootly. Right? So appearance does not equal worth. That your worth is intrinsic of who you are. And that if people are judging you for your appearance, that does not mean you're a bad person. That means they are a bad person. See, the thing is I understand and I completely agree.

The thing is that I don't think it's that your appearance gives you worth so much so as it is that it will give you worth in like some people's eyes. Does that make sense? Yes. And so it's not that I would necessarily view myself as worthless because of the way that I feel like I look. So much so as it is that well, if less people would want to engage with you, then that's like a consequence. Right. That's wonderful, logical stuff that is completely tangential to what I'm trying to say. Okay.

Because remember what we're talking about, so remember, what you just said comes from this part of you. Yeah. It doesn't come from this part of you. Yeah. So what we're trying to heal is this part of you. And this part of you, obviously, yes, that's correct. You're 100% logically correct. Yeah, that's how the fucking world is.

Right? People treat you differently depending on how you look. Right? And that's just how it is. But you carry within you some level of hurt. And that hurt is not getting solved by this. Even though people treat you differently like you're going to find more sponsors and you're going to do this and you're going to do that. And people love you because you're a League of Legends player who's actually swall so people can watch your stream and they can aspire to be good at League of Legends and Swole. Right?

There's a lot of good stuff there. I'm not disputing any of that. What I'm saying is that this shit is stuff that you carry with you. So now the question becomes, okay, like how do you feel good again? And I think you know this too because it sounds like your parents have routinely showed you. And this is why I think yourself, this is why I think it's a corner instead of the majority. Is because it sounds like your parents were actually very, like, loving and supportive. And even when the world treated you like shit, they were sort of a pillar and believed in you.

Yeah, like my dad would always tell me that wasn't fat. I was just big-boned. Yeah, right? And did you believe him? No. Okay, so he was lying to you. Yeah, long take you feel good. Okay, right?

What do you think about that? I mean, I understand he had a good intention with it, so it's okay. Okay, hold on a second, but I thought, are we not severing the court with dad because he lied to you? No, I mean, like, because the court got severed because of a... intention. If his like, if he only had pure intention and there's no like malice behind it, then it's okay. Right? But let's remember when someone lies to you, what do you assume about their intention? That it's malicious. Absolutely. And why do you assume it's malicious? But then again, it depends on the why. Well, because then the danger, right? Like the danger of everything being whatever. All that shit,

but my point is, sorry for logically trapping you. You can tell me to go fuck myself. Oh, no, that's okay. But my point is that, so this is, the reason I'm mentioning this to you, I'm not saying you're wrong, by the way, okay, so I don't mean to logically trap you, but I realize that's just what I did. It's unfair of me. That's okay. I don't think it's okay. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. Okay. So what I'm actually playing out between us is that I have a perspective, which is different from yours. Mm-hmm. And the only thing I would encourage you to do is if there is someone who you're in love with, because I'm terrified that one day you're going to get in love with someone, fall in love with someone who's going to make a mistake. mistake. And because you're in love with them, the thought of the hurt is going to be so much more when they lie to you. Yes.

And because the hurt is so much more, you are going to retreat and protect yourself. And the more in love you are with someone, the less likely you are to give them a second chance. What do you think? You're 100% right. And that's what fucking scares me because I care about you, my dude. And if you find that perfect person and you never give them a second chance, the only person you're fucking is yourself. Okay.

That's why I'm saying this to you. Does that make sense? Yeah. Okay. And I know it's going to hurt. Like, that's the hard thing about being in love and having a happy family is that like sometimes there's hurt involved.

Okay? Anyway, I'm getting off on a tangent. Okay, so let's talk about fixing your appearance. I mean, sorry, fixing yourself forth. So now we, there's this kind of thing. Okay? So then like, but now the problem is the more you move down here, the harder it is for society to go in this direction. Yes.

Right? Because more and more people, like you said, with your fucking 99.999% example. And this is something that I see a lot, especially in men that I work with and women that I work with for the men, the more financially successful they become, the harder it is to find an authentic relationship. Does that make sense? Yep. And the women that I work with for them, it can also be the same, but is more commonly different, which is the more physically attractive they are, the harder it is to find an authentic

relationship. Yep. Explain that to us. Well, because what I would think is that a lot of the time someone would only date a girl, let's say that he would find attractive, not necessarily but because he likes her, but because he could show her off, you know, and be like, look, this is the person who I'm with.

And then he feels like it would give him higher value. And as a result, it wouldn't necessarily matter what that person looks like, so much so as it gives him a better regarding within society. Absolutely, right? And so when there is a relationship based on appearances, so the more your appearance is high, the more people will engage with you around your appearance, right? You attract the shallow people.

Yep. And then the problem is the more people around you, who are judging you based on your appearances, the harder it is to be judged on something that is not your appearance. Which is why authentic friendships are so rare for pretty and rich people. It's kind of weird. They can also be very rare for people who are less pretty and less rich, but there's a whole other host of problems for those people as well.

Okay. Okay, so now the question is, okay, like, what do we do about this, right? Because this strategy ain't working. So I got to figure out what we're going to do about this. Okay. Let me think about this. Okay. So here's number three.

Okay, you ready for this? Mm-hmm. Okay, so here's you. Swole. So bad at drawing. These are your quads, not your scrotum. It looks like a great fun. Okay, yeah.

Okay, so here's you, great vice. fine, right? That's how big your muscles are. They're like grapes. So, now I'm going to tell you something. Okay. Now, pay attention to your reaction. Okay. Dantes, I think you are an awesome human being who has been hurt a fair amount, and I'm really amazed and proud of what you've been able to make out of your life. How do you feel when I say that? Uncomfortable. In what way? because I don't like, it's just one of those things where like, I don't like being complimented. Okay. Why?

What happens when I compliment you? Because it's like you're complimenting what I've become and I want to stay stuck in the mentality at the base, which is I'm not anywhere near that. Okay. So when I compliment you, you say I am not near that. So the first question. We're going to learn a couple things. You ready for something else? Okay.

Boy, are you great at League of Legends? How do you feel about that? Like I make a lot of mistakes. I mean, I feel like, again, it's the same thing where I feel like I could be better. I feel like I'm not nearly as good as what I should be. Okay. Now, let me ask you something. Which one makes you more uncomfortable?

The first thing that I said or the later thing that I said? The first one. Yeah, right? Okay, so I'm going to give you another one. Wow, dude, you really look like you're in shape. Okay. How does that make you feel? That's not as bad.

It's not as bad. What's the difference? When I compliment lull or physical appearance... Because when you say something like, I'm in shape, right? It's almost like you're making a note on my body as a completely different entity from me. Yes. But then when you say that you think I'm a certain thing, then the problem is that then that's me

and that's like all the hurt that I guess I carry. Beautiful. You see, one of those things, I am valuing you as a person. But if I value you, if I'm like, oh, Dantes, hey man, we should stream sometime. You are a big League of Legends streamer?

Like, let's stream. It'll be good for my numbers. You're so good at League of Legends. You're so successful streamer. Which side is it on? Left side or right side? Right. it's completely over here

Oh shit This guy Gets something From my good Attributes Yep And I would say You're not even uncomfortable

With that one iota This you can fucking swim in this shit All day long Yep You're gonna feel fine right How do you feel about yourself When I'm like Oh Dantes

You're so good at League of Legends Like we should collab sometime man How would you feel Well, I mean, it's just one of those things where I'd be able to instantly see through it, and it doesn't make me uncomfortable. You're right. Clout chasers and those fuckers that you look down on, like, then I become one of them. You can handle that shit all day long. Yeah.

Because they're chasing a shallow part of you. They're chasing your clout. They're not chasing this kid. You see that? Yeah. Now, here's the problem. When I say, bro, I think you're a great. Dude, like I really do.

I think you're... There are so many things I like about you. And has nothing to do. I didn't... I mean, I didn't... You know, I don't even know you, sort of, but I think you're a great human being. But the problem is the... So the more we're over here, the more your mind is okay with it.

But the more, as we move this direction, I could be better. And as I move this direction, you know, like, I'm going to try something else, which is like going to sound weird. Let's try this one. Dantes, I really hope you're able to find happiness in life because I think you deserve it. No, I don't like that. Because the way that we say is that I don't necessarily deserve happiness. So much so I don't care about how you see it.

That's logic. I'm sure you have a good logical reason for it. Sorry for shutting you down and interrupting you. How does it feel when I say that? That's not an idea that I accept. you reject it. Yeah. And it's not a logical rejection.

Do you see this? The rejection comes first. Then I can dismantle your argument and what are you going to do? You're going to believe me then? Fuck no is the answer. Yeah. And then you're going to give me another reason and you're going to give me another reason. And you're going to give me another reason.

And I can try to dismantle it as long as I want to. I can be a master debater. I can train with destiny for six months. And I can come out. you, bro. And I can dismantle your arguments with all of the skills that I learned argue with people on 4chan. And you're going to say, fuck no.

Yeah. Did I even compliment you at all? No. So here's the person I'm talking to. This is the fat kid. And the fat kid rejects that because the fat kid, this is not true for the fat kid. And if that is, like, I don't know how to say this. It's not going to make much sense, but it's such a tragedy if that was the truth and the fat kid went through what they went through.

Does that make sense? There's no silver lining. It's just like all bad. That if the world was a place where someone's value is actually not determined by their appearance, then why on earth and all of that suffering is just like it's flawed. That's not the way the world is supposed to work. And I think that's where the emptiness stems from. How so?

Well, because everything else is kind of just like a distraction, right? But then when you don't have that distraction anymore, then you're just confronted with your reality. Yes. And if you don't, yeah. And what is your reality? No, that you can be better, that people will value based on how much better you become.

Right. You always have things that you have to work towards. So your value in this world has not, nothing to do within here. It has to do with your performance. Yeah. And as you start to perform and perform and perform and you give people what they want and you become this thing, you even have some resentment. Because I think you actually feel a little bit good every time you turn someone down. Because the fat kid wants vengeance. Maybe. Maybe. Yeah. I mean, like, it might be like a little good feeling, but it's like, it's not done to feel good.

I'm with you. So remember, so now we got to this. And this is a another key thing, which I hope you're picking up. This part of you feels good. But 90% of you is like whatever. Does that make sense? Yes. There's like this. There's like a kid inside you where these feelings are coming from, which is why

they're so confusing. Because they're not your whole experience. It's just a piece of you. But I mean, if you tell me that's where the emptiness comes from, I didn't really understand that. But like, if you say so, that's the answer that I want you to say. But even I can't quite connect. those dots.

Would you want me to, like, explain it a bit more then? Sure. I've got one or two more things for you, but yeah, I'd love to hear. Okay, so what exactly do you want me to like clarify then? Yeah, what is, where is the source of your emptiness? So I think it's just because, um, so it was kind of like when I was, uh, around 16 that I would also browse a lot of like red pill forms and stuff like that. And I remember that at the time I used to feel very, very, very, like, I used to feel very, very,

like, I used to feel bad because I would say like, oh, damn, I guess you can't really find like an actual true genuine connection because you always have to like put up this pretense, put up this like mask, always work towards maximizing all these things. And I think it's just like when you don't have that distraction, like I've never really gotten rid of that view. And then it's when you don't have that distraction anymore, then all you really have left is that view that leaves you feeling empty. Because it's, it's. It's almost like you're chasing something. Like my dad told me this quote one time, right? Where he said, nowadays people will buy things they don't need with money they don't have to impress people that they don't even like, right? And it's almost like you're there and you're grinding every day to appear better in like 99% of, I guess like the acquaintances you're going to find the eyes. But at the end of the day, you know, like they don't really care about you and it's like vice

versa. So why are you letting them dictate so much of your life? Why are you letting them dictate so much of your life? Because there are actually real world good consequences to it, right? Like, if I can sit there and I can become a better player, if I can become a better stream, if I can become a better entertainer. Right? So you're right.

And so now we get to another thing, which is the problem is right now the only fuel you can put in your tank is the fuel of insecurity. And there are very real world benefits from the fuel of insecurity. Does that make sense? Yeah. And so I totally get that you're not ready to give it up because you don't know what else to put in your tank. Fair enough. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. One last thing that I want to share with you. Okay. So you do this thing that I would call toxic positivity. This is a judgment that I'm making. You're welcome to reject that judgment. Okay.

So anytime bad stuff happens to you, what do you do? You silver line it. You use it for growth. And the tricky thing about this. is that these are both, these are good, right? Like, every time you lose a game, you can learn something from it. And that will help you win the next game. Agreed?

Yeah. So this is what's really bizarre, but that works on, like, I don't even know how to do this. That's objectively true, but that does not heal the emotional hurt. So every time you do that, you kind of like suppress or let go of your emotions. Can I tell you a quote that I actually had? Yes. So like something that I wouldn't say is that it's fine because it has to be fine. Because if it's not fine, then you allow it not being fine to impact you.

But if it's always fine, then you can always like push forward, right? Yes. And so here's the last thing I'm going to leave you with. You are not in control of allowing things to impact you. you fight so hard to let nothing impact you because you have to be impervious. And therein lies why you're actually not in control. Okay. Letting yourself be hurt.

That's like the next level of control. Okay. Yeah. I sort of getting out. And that's what's hard. So this is why like all of the success chads end up learning about like yoga and meditation and stoicism and all this kind of crap. Because, like, you have to, there's like, there's like three levels, okay?

And I'm going to go to, I'm going to switch back to this. Hold on. So there's like three levels. There's like, I suck at life. I'm insecure. Then what happens to use that insecurity to fuel ambition? Ambition leads to objective success, but doesn't fix the insecurity. Then some people get stuck.

some people get stuck on phase one because they have such low self-esteem that they're not able to use that as fuel for progress. That's where some people get stuck. The insecurity overwhelms them. Some people channel the insecurity to become successful. Those people get stuck because they have two choices in life. I can be insecure and unsuccessful or insecure and successful. And if I give up the insecurity, will I end up as secure and unsuccessful? That's what they think is going to happen. You're going to slip back. But that's not, you've never been there, right?

That's actually what enlightenment is, is like when you're actually completely chill. And the funny thing about that is that the closer you get to that, the easier it becomes to actually work really hard. It becomes even easier. And then you actually get to have your cake and eat it too. You can work for eight hours. Then you can say to yourself, you know what? I actually don't need to stream for four more. Sure, it would be better if I did,

but there are other things. You're not a slave to that thing. And right now, you are a slave to being in control. You are a slave to being invincible. And so that next transcendent thing, it's going to be hard, and I don't think you need to do it now. It'll happen.

Because 2-2-2. When the universe wants you to, it'll happen. And this conversation is a part of that. carmic path. So I'm catching you at 21 so you don't have to end up in a psychiatrist's office at the age of 40. At that point, you need a psychiatrist. Okay. Okay?

Because at that point, it like turns into mental illness. Yeah. And I've worked with people who are millionaires, hundreds of millions of dollars, very successful, prioritize things like you did. and then like worked 12, 14 hours a day for 10 years of their life felt empty at the end of everything. And then they still, like, you can't, you just can't. Right. Because that's like a realization that I come to where I, I said, you know, that at the end of the day,

when you have everything that there is to have, right? Like, when you have everything that money can buy, you realize that the only things that matter are those which you can't. Yes, that's brilliant Yeah Did you read that somewhere You came up with that shit yourself No, it was just like in the airport And I wanted to write it to it longer

So then I just put that at the end of it Because it just came to mind And how does it feel when I say that that's brilliant? It feels good I mean Okay, to be fair though Listen, to be fair though That's because my intelligence was always like

Okay, you know like It was never something that was super insecure about Yeah, okay, because you can't fucking take a call. To be fair, right? You got to discount it. Even now, you can't just fucking take it. Yeah. Right?

So what I saw is something that was authentic and something that I appreciated. It's not a rank. It's not, it's like you made a good play, right? Like, it doesn't mean that you're better or worse than anyone else. It just means in that moment that's brilliant. By the way, exactly what happened to the Buddha. I don't know if you know the story. But he was basically a king was good.

looking, had tons of money, had tons of respect, was married to someone who I presume was very respected and hot or whatever, had a healthy kid. And he was like, wait a second, I'm still not happy. What the hell? I have everything. So this is the problem is that as long as you don't have something, your mind gives you the illusion to chase something. And it says to you, hey, if you get this, you'll be happy. Hey, if you get this, you'll be happy. Hey, if you get this, you'll be happy. But once you hit the end of the road, there's nowhere to go, except for women. Yeah, exactly. That's one of the reasons as well why I think that it's one of those things where people who are on like the higher income end of things are more, I wouldn't say they're like more prone to like having all these like mental things that happen to them.

But when you take away like financial insecurity, then the only thing you have left is like yourself, right? So it's just constant introspection like asking yourself questions and what do you really want and stuff like that? Absolutely. Sorry, I was distracted for a second because I may have an appointment, but I'm sorry, I missed that last sentence. Can you say it again? I apologize. Yeah, so I was saying that people who are on like the higher income thing, right, like celebrities and stuff, even though they, like people who have everything that you could ever want, they're still prone to like having all these like thoughts and stuff like that. because when you take away the all like the financial insecurity,

then all that's left is like you as a person, right? And then you kind of like have to understand like yourself. Um, okay. So, uh, okay. Sorry, you're right. Um, sorry, I'm trying to push my, my next thing. So what questions do you have? Any?

Um, what do you think the next step would be? Like for me? Like, let's say you were to look at me, right? And you were to see me right now. Would you think that the path I'm going down is a good one? Would you think, like, I want your judgment. Would you think that I maybe should take a step back, that I should ease up?

Would you think that these are things I should address? These are things that could, like, wait a while. Like, what would you think? Okay. Great question. So my question to use, do you want the next step or you want the last step? Both. So the last step is you need to stop taking steps.

Okay. Just be where you are. Stop chasing. So here's what's going to happen when you stop chasing. You will be present. Because there's nowhere to go. Yeah. When you're not going somewhere, you're present.

So it's going to be hard. Very practically what this means is absolutely nothing, bro. 2-2. The world will let you know when it's time. You will feel when it's time. Start listening to yourself. Okay. Hey, this is actually what I want to be doing right now.

Or hey, hey, like this is actually starting to feel like I really do want to change this. You can learn how to meditate, get in touch with your feelings. We have this video about Alexa Thymia, which I think you should check out. I'll send you a link. But I think just more emotional awareness, because I think what I'm seeing is you're just overly cognitive. And there's this whole other dimension of you that I think you're aware of, but you don't quite engage in. So you just need to bump up your EQ. So you need to grind that for a little while and get in touch with your feelings.

Yeah, okay. A couple of other things that I'm worried about. The only thing that I'm worried about is if you find out, fall in love, don't cut that off because they made a mistake. That's the one thing. Like, give them a second chance. And it doesn't mean that you have to give it. And the reason I say give them a second chance is because I suspect that they may do

something, which because you actually mentalize like what's going on in their head. Like, you interpret it using your set of rules. Like, talk to them. You don't have to give them a second chance. But at least give them the chance if you really love them. Like if you're in love, you know, like if you're like, man, this is the one. This is the one that like 30 years when I'm 30 years old and I've made it and I have my kids and I want to take three years off. This is a person I really want to spend my time with.

Do yourself the favor of having a conversation and do your best to listen to them. Notice what kind of fucking feelings you're having. Go talk to a therapist, work through your feelings and then make a decision. Do not be controlled by your traumatic experiences of catfishing, desire for protection. protection, this person hurt me, I will never let them hurt me again. Because that's why you cut them off. Yeah. And you're not wrong with any of that.

That's just how you survived, right? Once we get bit by a snake, our brain is designed to be like, get the fuck away from snakes. Yeah. Right? I'm going to avoid this player because this player fucking feeds. And I don't ever want to cue with them ever again. Yeah. Okay?

You know who I'm talking about? You know there's some people who don't belong in Challenger that you queue up with? Are you running to your games, right? That they don't belong there. Yep. Fuck them. And the real thing that I'm worried, the only thing that I'm really worried for you about is that you're going to meet the one.

And you're going to love guys, girls, both, none of the above. Are girls. You're going to meet her. And you're going to love her so much. And it's going to be so fucking scary because when you're in love, you are not in control. When you're in love, you have to be willing to be hurt. And those are the two things that you don't want to give up.

You don't know where you're going to be in 30 years. You don't know if it's going to be worth it. You don't know if she's going to cheat on you. You don't know if she's going to break up with you. You don't know if she's with you because you're so sexy and because you're so good at League of Legends. You don't know why she's with you. And all those fucking thoughts which have gotten you here

and kept you alive and made you successful are now going to be working against you. Okay. And then if you let them take control of you, you're going to end up regretting it and all this other kind of shit and you're going to start having lots of meaningless sex and doing lots of drugs or whatever, and then you're going to wind up in my office. So that's what I would say.

I think you're, honestly, Dantes, I think you're a good dude. Thanks. I think what you've accomplished is amazing. I don't think you should have done anything differently. And I don't think that the life that you had was fair in some ways. I think it's unfair. And I don't think just because you turn it into a silver lining does not mean that, like, it didn't suck. and that you didn't deserve it.

Yeah. And it means that there's an alternate reality where there's a fat kid who is accepted by his peers and you're not nearly as successful, you're not nearly as ripped, but you feel like you go to bed every night and you're happy. You're one of these people who plays League of Legends

is happy when they're done, these rare creatures. Yeah, I understand that. Does that answer your question? I think so. Yeah. I think the main thing that you brought up with, you have to be like, I guess, in control of allowing yourself to not be in control. Like, it does make sense. And even though there is like a risk reward and it's one of those things where it's like now since I am younger, right, and I guess I can prioritize like my career and stuff like that, that may be a little bit down the line. I should also be open to the idea of an alternate way of approaching things too. Absolutely.

So you know what's at the top, the final unlock, once you max out all of the other talent trees, the final unlock is the power of surrender. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Interesting. I don't know if you're, you still need to put some points into the tree. Does that, you get what I'm saying?

Yeah, no, I see you're going at where, yeah, because, I mean, to be able to surrender and to be able to, like, really put yourself at the mercy of something else is the ultimate form of saying, like, that's the ultimate form of being in control because, like, that's where you do have no control. So, so the reason, it's not the ultimate form of being control. It's transcending the axis of control and not control. It's saying that so be it. And if this person wants.

to dislike me, they can dislike me. Yeah. If this person wants to judge me for this, they can judge me. Okay. Let them. And even if they say things that hurt me, it will hurt. So be it. I do not need the avoidance of hurt to be able to control my life.

So this is why when we use this term moksha, which is Sanskrit for enlightenment, it is translated as both bliss and freedom. Because you are happy with pleasure or pain. You are happy with acceptance or rejection. Because it is just the way of things. It is what it is. Okay. Interesting.

Yeah. I mean, it makes sense. Like, yeah, I can see that. I'm very, very happy for you. And I'm rooting for you. And I'm excited for what the next 10 years of your life we're going to bring. Yeah. Thank you.

Yeah, I mean, that's the thing. It's just like, I mean, the cool thing is that one of the things I like doing is, like, segmenting my life into arcs because it's, like, easier to, like, compartmentalize them. So, yeah, I mean, I think, I think the future has good things coming, so. I think so, maybe we'll talk again, like, a few months or now and then. Sure. Yeah. If you fall in love and you're in that spot.

Okay. May want to see a therapist, but you can always DM me. All right. Thank you. I appreciate that. All right. And take care. Do you want to just tell people where they can find you?

Yeah, sure. So, I mean, my Twitch is just Dantess. So that's D-A-N-E-S. Or everywhere else is just O-N-L. So that's D-O-A-E-N-E-L. And for you, like, your Twitch or YouTube. Oh, it's Healthy G-G-G-G-I-G. I think for Twitch and YouTube and then Twitter, I think, is like Healthy Gamer G without an underscore.

I don't even, I'm not quite sure. But yeah. All right. Yeah. And so you play League of Legends for like 12 hours a day and you dumpster noobs. As long as they don't dumpster my mental first. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Awesome. Thank you so much for coming on. And good luck and have a good weekend. Thank you for having me. All right. Enjoy day. Bye.