HealthyGamerGG - Dr. K Chats With @xQcOW

Episode Date: October 17, 2024

I had the pleasure of engaging in a conversation with XQC diving deep into various subjects such as coping mechanisms, attachment styles, and navigating chaos. Join us as we explore these intriguing topics, offering insights and perspectives that delve into the complexities of managing emotions, relationships, and the tumultuous nature of life. Check out more mental health resources here! https://bit.ly/3xsk6fE Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, what's up, dude? Hi. How are you? Yeah, it's pretty good, actually. It's, uh, um, I think it's like on the way up, does that make sense? Yeah. So I think the direction matters a lot to me. And I think the direction right now is up and that's really good. Yeah, direction is really important. Um, is there something in particular you wanted to talk about today? We just catch up or what? Yeah, just catching up. Sure. Yeah, we could, we could kind of start like that and then you

to kind of like inquire about like I guess certain things that it's going to hard to pinpoint like stuff to talk about right sure but I mean there's so much to talk about that I guess we'll I just will find something for sure I I have a feeling that's going to be the case yeah yeah so do you want me to catch you up first or you want to catch up for do you want me to you want to just catch me up or you want to hear what I do yeah yeah um just have you been what have you been doing overall. So I think we last spoke on stream a couple years ago. I know that we, you know, we've connected here or there. So I think since we last spoke, Healthy Gamer has grown a lot. We started off like sort of focusing on trying to just help people on Twitch. And I think we

sort of quickly realize that like a lot of people out there have problems and we're trying to help a lot of those people. So I think maybe a lot of people aren't familiar with this. but we do a lot of like not mainstream stuff, but mainstream on sort of the medical side. So we do a lot of work with the American Psychiatric Association, did some stuff with the Office of the U.S. Surgeon General, have done some stuff with the United Nations. So we kind of do all that stuff.

Yeah. And then we also basically built up first couple, maybe a year and a half, two years I was streaming, people asked like thousands and thousands of questions. So for the last like year or two, I realized that like I need to answer all those questions. So we started making, doing more lectures and really explaining mental health topics to people. And that seems to be going really well.

I think we also sort of found that when we were really blowing up on Twitch, that we were attracting the wrong kind of people in some ways. And then we sort of had like an internal like existential crisis about like who do we want to be. Do we want to be big and chase drama? or are we okay with our numbers shrinking and staying true to like trying to help people? And we ultimately chose the latter. And I think a lot of our numbers and stuff have suffered as a result, but I think that's okay. Yeah, because then you're, yeah, for sure, because then if the impact that you want to have, I guess a little bit more targeted, right?

Right. So you're achieving your goal. But yeah, I think the whole like drama audience or like more, I guess, controversial type thing. It would make it harder to navigate with the chat and with the interaction, right? Because then it's cluttered with a lot of people that aren't there for the right reasons. I would assume. Yeah.

And it makes it like a non-discussion in chat. That's what I would be afraid of anyway. Yeah. And I think that there's a lot of actually value to doing drama stuff, not because it's drama, but because if we sort of think about what are the hardest times in our lives, it's when there's drama in our life. Yeah. And so helping someone navigate through drama, I think is actually like a really, really important thing to teach other people.

There's parts of it that were like totally fine with. But, you know, it was getting to the, it started feeling a little bit ambulance chaserish. I don't know. I mean that. So there's a saying in English that is about like lawyers who chase ambulances. So if you think about like, okay, if there's some kind of accident or injury, where are you going to find your best clients by chasing an ambulance? but then what you're also doing is like chasing an ambulance trying to find a client when someone's been hurt so you know we're back and forth um we're learning a lot growing a lot

but overall i'll think so good yeah i've well so i didn't want to interrupt you i'll watch some clips of you and a lot of times you talk about certain topics even like the simplest phrase you sometimes will be the enlightening and i'll take you home you know um sometimes something as simple as you know, last time when you talked about, like, I think it was addiction. And he said that, um, um, it's like, um, you know, you talk about like the solution and then then the problem and then, uh, you do something. And it was just really impactful. I don't, I don't remember the exact quote.

I'm trying to paraphrase it. I didn't want to butcher it and like just kind of send it. But yeah. Yeah. I mean, I usually don't know. I can't recall what I've said most of the time. People will walk up to me and he'll say, yeah, I really like that video about that. And I'll be like what I don't remember.

number. Oh yeah. It's like the things you do like and then that you're addicted to and you see those thing as like a solution like when you're gaming to escape or whatever right. And that resonated that resonated a lot with me. Sometimes you say like really short phrases that impact a lot. Sometimes you'll hear somebody ramble like me for like an hour and then you've got nothing to take home. Yeah. So it probably means that we've got our shorts editors are doing a good job. Props go to them. Not my rambling. Yeah. So how have you been over the last couple years? it's being good I think a lot of things

have been rocky I mean everybody knows it's not like I really get I rarely get like overwhelmed by a lot of things I didn't want this to be just like a full on negative

like just outpouring of just trauma dumping if that makes sense but more kind of like guidance on I guess dealing with certain things

sure and kind of yeah just kind of a lot of it is like processing I think I think I process things super well and very fast in certain areas and very slowly in other ones and that becomes like it becomes

kind of I get new roadblocks all the time I think I think overall the only problem that I the reason why it's a problem is that I feel like the clutter that isn't part of my

my daily is just streaming and doing stuff creatively right and a lot of the problems in the past I've never been really a stop to that and it just feels like recently I'm just less creative I'm just kind of like trying to stay above water

trying to like stay alive and just kind of breathing above water is that makes sense and I feel like it's not me it's not who I am you know and it kind of sucks to like see myself that way and just kind of

just kind of almost like look at myself in the mirror and being like this is not who I am it's not what I do, whatever. And I don't know why it's still happening like that, you know? Yeah. It annoys me a lot because it's never been like that. And I don't want to become something I don't want to become.

Like, it doesn't make sense. Yeah. Yeah. So can I just share what I heard you say? Yeah. So I think, uh, Felix, for a long time, it's been beautiful to see you thrive. Yeah. Um, in this, this world of streaming where I think you're a misfit in many other parts of the universe.

But I think, I think, I think you're a misfit in many other parts of the universe. But I think, I think you're at home in a lot of ways. I think you've got a lot of really good creative energy. I think the way that you think, I think the way that you really speak your mind. I mean, I know you're really good at Overwatch and stuff and games,

but I really like your commentary sometimes. And what I'm hearing is that you're, you're not so much thriving so much as you are surviving. Yeah. And, you know, it can be hard to live a life where you're just like surviving. and it almost feels to me like you've lost a piece of yourself and I hope this isn't judgmental but frankly dude like I agree like when I saw you two or three days ago in person

and like I was worried about you yeah I was worried about me and and I hadn't felt that you know I'm run into a lot of people at events and stuff but like I was just really like you know and and so I'd love to we can absolutely learn about why creativity is hard especially for streamers mental clutter because you need a certain amount of like mental space to be be creative yeah um or the other option is that if your creativity involves direct channeling of your internal negative experience that works too yeah um so i think that's always been my my main channel um if not my only i think i'm only creative when it's like kind of like a, almost like a breakthrough, if that makes sense. If it's like a, um, it's like a

energy transfer, right? We're transferring like anger or whatever into whatever you're doing. And sometimes you feel like you're like back against a wall, right? And instead of like fighting that with in the front, I'll just break whatever, I'll break the wall behind me. And then it will have like breakthroughs like creatively or whatever. Um, and, um, I think a lot of it is that when, however bad or however the things I'm dealing with, however bad it could be, I process it, the bad of it, by just having it out there like a diary. You know, maybe I shouldn't do that as often, but I like to just kind of let people on about what's going on my life in my life, right? In a way, it feels like I'm letting go of it.

That makes sense. Yeah. In recent times, I haven't been able to do that. You haven't been able to? Not haven't. Okay. Because of various reasons and proceedings and whatever. because I'm sorry, what?

Oh, just, just limitations and court proceedings or whatever. I just can't. Okay. A lot of things I hold back. Okay. And it makes like a block, right? As I'm trying to be like creative and just kind of let it out and going to have breakthroughs. And sometimes I feel like I can't, like that energy doesn't come out as naturally as it used to.

Just because it's hard. I like I said the way I process my problem is by people knowing stuff so now that I can't I don't know it would be like this but it's it's like I'm fully blocked right and it feels like I can't channel all my stuff and if I do it won't make sense to anybody doesn't make sense to me anyway

and that just leads me in directions that are just kind of stale and that's really bad I always said like if if things are going to be stale I'm just not not going to do it, right? People always said, I was streaming, streaming and money and this and that it's a career. I was said, if I don't, if I don't feel like it's fulfilling, and I'll feel like it's, I just, I just won't do it. And I always said, like, if I'm going to quit one day, I'm just going to quit overnight and you're not going to see me again, right? When it stops feeling like it,

but that's not how I'm feeling right now. It feels like, I can and I will, but it just feels like I'm currently blocked. Okay. What do you think it is that is, what, what makes it hard for you access that creative energy. What makes it hard to access that energy? It feels like I can't like just kind of like yell and scream about my problems and just kind of let them out and then feel like whatever comes after is like just kind of the channeled rage in a different way because that's kind of how it's always been, you know, whatever I'm dealing with at the time.

It didn't really matter because like people wouldn't know about it. And for them, maybe it's a big deal or not, whatever's going through, whatever I'm going or whatever, which is irrelevant because afterwards, then I can, like, channeled all the rage that I have or whatever. And I do that by being creative. And it comes out in a product that makes sense to me and that I'm proud of. And these days, I feel like I haven't been able to channel that and not in anything that I think is worthwhile.

Okay. And that just kind of sucks. Like, I used to be able to look back and be like, okay, yeah, like this month or this quarter or this half a year, it's been kind of bad. But we have some stuff to look to look back at that I enjoyed doing. I was like, oh, that was really good. That was really good. And yeah, I'm looking back and I'm like, what's behind me?

There's just not much. And it makes you feel like I'm failing myself and I'm failing everybody and yada yada. So I'm hearing a couple different things. One is that even when you've been through hard times, you can look back and find a couple of bright points that you can really find to be proud of. So even... Yeah. So times where, I guess, the rage was channeled properly. And it was like, you know, and I always tell this is chat.

Basically, the way I'll all do things creatively is that it's kind of like an impossible to fail system where like when things get bad, right, I'll fight it as much as I can and it'll get bad and it'll worse and worse and worse. But it can't get that bad because once it hits rock bottom, Right. That's what I have a breakthrough all the other time. Right. It's at that point, I feel like I'm like, okay, this is all so bad. Let's just go, let's just go crazy and then do something, right?

And I've always been able to cycle out of it and just, you know, so that makes sense? Like, just have a creative breakthrough and then do good again. And then I'm going to get out of that. And now I feel like I'm like near rock bottom, but I'm not having that kind of breakthrough because I'm blocked out of doing it. Okay. So that makes sense. Yeah. What I'm kind of picking up is that you mentioned that you process some things fast.

And in the past, you used to process by just sharing, like just kind of letting it all out into the open. Yeah. And that that, let's call it a coping mechanism, is unavailable to you. So now what's going on is like, like XQC had figured out a strategy of how to process quickly. You know, once it's off your mind, then you can kind of focus on doing stuff. And even though bad stuff happened, you can kind of process it, go back to a bright point, have some kind of breakthrough. And what I'm really hearing has changed is that you're kind of not allowed to talk about it publicly. Yeah, a lot of things.

Some of it's small, some of it big, but it just, it just annoys me that I can't. Even if I'm sure there's a world where I even wouldn't, just having the option to do it or having just, it's just the freedom, the lack of freedom. Even though it's just one part nobody wants to hear about sometimes, nobody, I, guess would care about it, right? Well, I care about it. And it's like really small blockades that go into bigger ones. Okay. And yeah.

Go ahead. No. Yeah, no. It's just, I just, I just feel like I'm, I was on like the back foot and it's just not like, hmm. It's not like getting better. And also it gives me like an excuse to do bad or do worse. and I end up just falling to the rabbit hole of just, you know, I fall for it.

I go like, oh, yeah, I'm dealing with stuff. So, like, yeah, it's, it's, I can't do as good as I'm dealing with something that you guys don't know about, right? But in fact, these are just excuses. They really are. Like, in a lot of ways, like, I could, I fall into just excuses. And I have, like, I can make myself feel better, but it doesn't mean that it is better. But just kind of, like, now.

I have something to blame, and I don't like that. You know, does that make sense or not? Yeah, Felix, it's, I'm hearing a lot of powerlessness. Yeah. That's kind of how it is, yeah. Like, I hear that you're not able to bounce back. I hear that, you know, you're kind of beating yourself up for not being able to bounce back too. Yeah.

Yeah. I think there are some cycles. that are like usually easy to kind of break out of and now they're just a bit harder right and um harder yeah they're just i mean way harder yeah it's like they're like unbreakable if that makes sense yeah it sounds like it um it i think i think a problem is that it was just too much at once because out of anybody out there um i think i i've dealt with things pretty decently well uh over the years like when things get harder um when I had problems, especially like Overwatch League days or whatever.

Like I was back against a wall. I was like, it was a me on my own and whatever. And I still, I still did pretty good. And I'm proud of all these things, right? And I can manage like to be thrown like a bunch of stuff at the same time, right? Oh, like five, six.

But now it's been like like 25, you know? And it's like, you know, you know when you drink alcohol, people say like the body will like a, like, process like one drink an hour or something like that, right? Or like get it out. it feels like the tank is like so full right

that it's like going on slowly and it keeps more added on and it's like dude like we'll never get down when I'll never get the debaunt of this does that make sense? It's just too much at once. It was just it's like my whole like my whole world was changing in too many ways if you need to process any of it

because it's easy when you have a problem your system to understand like what's failing how to replace it, how to move on how to right when it's like only one problem When there's multiple components that are failing, you start wondering, what are the failing parts? You don't even know which one are the failing parts, which one are the good ones. And I start to blame myself at that point, you know? Maybe I'm the problem.

And I kind of get sick at no cycles. Like, it was just too much at once. I think that's the way I'm going to put it, yeah. Well, I mean, Felix, the other thing I'm hearing is that, and by the way, do you want me to call you XQC or Felix? Felix is good. I'm also hearing that maybe for the first time in your life, you can't count on yourself. Yeah, that sucks. Yeah, I, yeah, that's a good way to put it.

I think I've said that in the past, like, in last like months or weeks, I've said that, yeah. I've said that. Yeah, I admitted that for the first time, I think to my stream last time, I think I said that, you know, I always put all the chips in my favor or on my side. Because whenever, when nobody's there, because oftentimes, for. most people, nobody will be there for them, not family, friends, whatever. They will be literally by themselves. And when there's a problem, there's something to, when something happens, well, the only person that's left is them, right? And you want yourself to be in your own corner. And I've admitted that, like, at times, not only was that not in my corner, I was against myself,

right? And normally, I have, like, self-destructive tendencies that help, right? They're kind of, because something good comes out of it, right? Like a breakthrough. And I felt like I was just literally against myself at that point. And I was like, I'm not even in my own corner. So like, why am I looking elsewhere at other people? It doesn't matter who helps me at that point. Like, I'm, I will fail myself regardless.

And I think getting out of that was, I'm doing better with that. But getting out of that was like pretty hard, you know? How are you doing better with that? Standing up for myself, I think. Like making a stand. and like, I think transitioning to being like a better overall, like adults, like doing all the tasks that I have to do and just kind of being just proud to be like at least a somehow functioning adult that I can fly by myself. I can kind of live by myself through all the problems and whatever. And I think my own battles and I don't need any help. And I think it's helped to see that I can do it, you know, Um, because of the longest time, you know, like, um, I had somebody to fight my battles with me, you know? And it kind of felt like, in a way, when I go live, I had my own little son or my little spotlight above my head, right?

Like, you go live and then I have my own little son and chat and everything, all the fun and all the creative stuff is cool and all. And then when I turn off the stream, well, as soon as you go, you go offline, I mean, I'm sure you've seen that. You've felt it yourself. The spotlight is, it's completely out instantly, right? Which is fine if you have somebody or some people around that can kind of like carry that sunlight for you until you go to bed or whatever. Originally it's been like, the spotlight goes off and it's just darkness, you know? It's just nothing.

And I think at first it was like, well, that's true. And I look at all the things to blame and everybody or whatever. And every day it was just me. I feel like I have to be a little bit like stronger and take accountability for the things that the problems and the things that I've done and just kind of like just just kind of level out with myself. I think I've never really had to talk with myself for a while. I have to like I have to level out again. Does that make sense? And I think that's been helping.

Can I think for a second? Yeah, of course. So is your, what's, what, what would you like guidance on, Felix? Um, good question. Um, maybe like finding or finding ways to find, um, what I actually want and kind of like who I am. Like they am, it's not like an identity crisis, but like, um, what, I mean, kind of, um, in the end, like, what matters. because in a lot of ways, I think a lot of things that most people would think do matter for them

was kind of like taken away from me, if that makes sense. Yeah, I'll take some accountability here and there for the mistakes I've done. And the things that I've lost were taken away for myself. But I think a lot of things that people do care about, their life goals, whatever, was just going to strip. And it kind of makes you kind of want to give up a little bit. like on like not one of those things again right like building a home building a relationship like that um and it kind of I thought that was kind of a good thing at one point

it's kind of easier to um to just say fuck it um yeah fuck all that like because it was all at once almost and it was like okay well fuck all that then and let's just let's just go back to just focusing on streaming and just doing this but yeah so Felix I know this may sound weird but I I really don't much of what you're talking about. So if you're assuming that I know, so I don't, oh yeah, I'm singing in code it. Yeah. I actually don't look at drama. Like I know that when there's drama, like people will fucking talk about it and react and like, you know, people will post and and Twitter and all that stuff. I actually don't look at any of that. Yeah. So I mean, even just given how the size of you and your life, I mean, some of that stuff led through and I don't

want to ask you anything that will interfere with whatever court. But I'd love to hear what you can share about just big picture. Like, what are we talking about here? Yeah, I think big picture overall is that one of the earlier problems was like I was cared about at least building some form of like stability at one point or like foundation. And for me, that was like a home, you know? And I just kind of like dream of like building a home at one point And I was like I just want to I want to feel at home you know And I kind of chase that for a while and then I kind of like I bought this house and then start finishing it and then people Look back at that era of that house. I was like the golden era of my stream because I I fell home

And I think after a little bit of time that I lived there, I had to leave it. There was too many problems over there. It was dangerous for me to live there and whatnot. I left it behind. And then I tried again and again, like two more times to just do it again. And there was always something that will take it away from me. Just because of I think the nature of what we do and stream, whatever,

just the actual nature of it and what it comes with, whatever, made it so that I, I guess I temporarily can't have that. You can have a house or houses, I guess. I think a home is different. What's the difference between a house and a home? It's kind of complicated a little bit. The way that I could describe a home as the easiest I can is if I'm not feeling good, right? And I'm as I can close my eyes.

where's home and if I picture home I'm in my home and I feel comfortable now I feel good right and that was like

when I was younger that was like my mom's house and then I moved out and then it was my other house like okay that's home where things feel like I'll be taken care of

or I'll take care of myself over there or whatever right but now it just kind of feels like yeah I haven't had that like I close my eyes and I see where's a place I'd be it feels comfortable and I just don't see it, which sucks.

Yeah, I'm hearing that you don't feel safe anywhere. Yeah. That there's no place that you can count on to be safe. Yeah. That takes time in commitment, but it just felt like it was kind of like pulled from under my feet. So many times, like, it kind of felt like, okay, well, I just, well, dude, fuck all that. Like, let's just stop trying. It's so much energy and so much resource.

is like into doing it that like it's not it's not like it happens once and then you give up and you're just kind of like bitching out of it right just it's so often it's like okay let's focus on other things let's try it's try other shit for just one for a little bit um because it's just clearly not working um and then just like I feel overall like friends and acquaintances was like just kind of a lot of fallouts and a lot of uh I I fail anyway, like a lot of, like, betrayals. I don't want to be like out here, like screaming, like, screaming wolf or whatever. Like, I'm, I'm tough to deal with and I don't like water my plants.

That that makes sense when it comes to friendships. But sometimes I kind of felt like a little bit like betrayed for kind of no reason. And then so like friends can not. I do have better friends now, but kind of like that was out of the way. Then I don't have that. Then problems with like, I had problems with family at one point, which ended up being problems with my relation and then it was like

relation, family, home, friends and everyone was like, what's left? Like what actually is left? What do people care about in life that makes them fulfilled? That isn't any of those things, you know? And I haven't all at once.

So then, I'm point, you don't, you just kind of like lacking direction. Can I think for a second? Yeah. Okay. So here's kind of what I'm putting together. So you're ex-QC.

You're a pretty resilient guy. You're a streamer. You work really hard. You're not the best. You may not be the best friend. You may not be the easiest person to get along with. You make mistakes. But you tend to bounce back.

I think your heart is in the right place. You try to learn from your mistakes. You grow. You're pretty resilient. And that really, like, at one point, A lot of pillars that support you. A lot of pillars that allow you to process fast and bounce back and take that negativity and turn it into creativity. Started to fall away.

So the simplest thing is that, like, I can't imagine from a physiologic perspective what this is like, but to, like, be deprived of your home again and again and again, which is something that I don't think a lot of people, like, really a pretty, appreciate. And it's not good to compare, but I think that sometimes, like, you know, we hear about people who lose their homes. Yeah. And then everyone's like, wow, that must be terrible and how do you deal with that and stuff like that? What I'm hearing from you is maybe not in the same way, but that you've really lost the safety of your home time and time and time again. And here you are, like, trying to build a life. And then, like, you kind of get punished for wanting, right? So you try to build something and then like it kind of gets taken away and then you're like well as you put it you don't want to be a bitch about it right so there's like some amount of self blame like I'm not gonna let this knock me down I'm gonna be like better I'm not gonna be not gonna bow out I'm gonna try again it gets taken away again and taken away again and taken away again and so your life becomes something where like you want something but every time you want it you get punished for it yeah it's like the little meme maybe you've seen it before it's like little box it's like this little blob in the box oh yeah it's like all I get out of it

and bang, it gets punched in. And he's like, okay, well, fuck it. Then I'll go back in. Right, right. So, and now you're kind of stuck between like saying, okay, well, fuck it. Like, I'm, I'm done wanting. Yeah. And then it's like, okay, well, like now, you know, I know there's like some amount of metrics and

growth and money and other kinds of like things that you can move towards. But generally speaking, I think whether I, I mean, some people really chase money or whatever, but generally speaking, I think most people like money is a means to an end. Or success is a means to an end. Sometimes success, what it provides is a sense of confidence, identity, stuff like that. But I'm really hearing that like several things happened at once, like family stuff, like relations stuff, like maybe work related stuff, like home stuff. And everything kind of got taken away from you. Yeah.

And then. Huh? A lot of crossfire as well. Sometimes kind of like one piece interacts with the other. and then I lose both or whatever and it's like okay well that's cool now there's problems but like now I lose all of it so like it kind of sucks and also you said earlier

like you have these pillars that are kind of like falling apart or under your feet or whatever and that I would be okay with that but it wasn't even that is that the pillars that I was standing on reverted and start like fucking spearing me as that makes sense like if there was only neutral I had lost them it'd be fine

but if they turn against me I think it's a little bit of a deeper experience some sort of like, well, no, not some sort of actual just betrayal on a lot of ends. At one point, you could kind of start thinking, you're the problem. And maybe there's some related to that. I'm the problem in a lot of ways. And I can recognize that 100%. I'm not the easiest present to be friends with.

I'm not easiest person to work with. I'm not the easiest family member. I'm not the best boyfriend. But I don't think that these inabilities, equate to like what was going on. So I'm hearing, and once again, you know, I don't, we didn't really talk about what's okay and what what's not okay to talk about today. So I'm curious, are you, I don't want you to share anything that will get you in trouble or, or anything like that. But like, I mean, you're using very

powerful imagery, right? That this is not just pillars going away. This is pillars turning into spheres. Is there anything that you feel comfortable sharing just so that I can understand like what kind of stuff were we talking about? And if the answer is no, that's totally fine. No, no, that's good. It's good. Well, like, what do you mean by betrayal? Like, that's a strong word. Yeah, it is.

And I wish I didn't have to use. I wish it wasn't like that. Like I said earlier, I'm not trying to cry a wolf, whatever, but I chose my words very carefully. Like, I didn't navigate it and just kind of lend it on that word. Yeah, like, it just felt like sometimes the people that I, shared information with, the people that I confided with, when, when, when, when shit goes down, it just, it just, it just, it's used against me. So all my weaknesses and all my vulnerabilities

are now just ammo for other, they're just ammo for other people and make me feel like I can't share anything with anybody. I can't, like, talk about anything with anybody. I feel like it's, it's all just leverage. And then, um, Yeah. So it's It's impossible to trust people. Yeah. I've had my walls up for a while now, yeah.

A lot of walls and no home. Yeah. Yeah, you would think. They're crazy. Yeah, especially sometimes around like money and whatever, which I didn't expect was going to hit me like that because I never cared for money that much. Like, it's cool to have it and to get it.

Don't get me wrong. Like, I'm as happy as anybody can be to receive capital. But in a way, I think I've always, like, not really cared enough to, like, really spend and really kind of be like that. And at one point, it kind of felt like, I've said this before, but again, I felt like everybody around me started caring about it more than I care about it myself. And it makes you want to, like, well, I'm not trying to do a little thing. some some some joker's scheme here but like makes you want like kind of burn it all you know

like if i have something that i care about to a certain degree or i care about about a little bit i guess um once you're past like comfort you know it's like the upper layers or kind of whatever if you're not because i don't have time to spend anyway i have the stream all day um when everybody around me you starts telling about it like so much right then it annoys me because there's me right here he's every he's next to me and then everybody's looking past me to whatever I have. It's like, okay, well, how do I get the focus back on me? I'll just burn it then.

That's kind of like logical conclusion almost, right? Sometimes it feels like I'd have none of the problems I have by now if it wasn't for that. What's it like being looked past? I mean, can you tell us more about that? This kind of idea of like, I just want to burn it. It's really bad, yeah. I think it's really bad, yeah. I think it's very destructive.

It's nothing that I think, I think, I think people will have, I think I generally feel like you will have doubts about it. That is it actually like that? You can kind of be a little bit paranoid about it, right? I kind of have ideas that, okay, these guys are, these people are after money or whatever. But I think what was hard to process is that once it was kind of confirmed, right? Once you get that confirmation, that's difficult because it's like it makes you feel like invisible. Right. It makes you feel like I am what I have. And for me, I've always been like a lot into my, I love what I do and I love like all my interests. And I'm all about like just doing and building what I am. And caring a lot about that and having people around me kind of kind of switch a little bit into seeing me for what I have is like a tough like.

realization. What's tough about it? It makes you feel like invalidated. It makes you feel like kind of unheard. It kind of, yeah, it makes you feel kind of alone a lot of times. Especially as someone who wasn't really about it for like forever. You know, these are. difficult things to explain overall.

I'll explain it. If it was just me and you, I explain it like in, let's say 80 words, but I'll go beyond to give more context, because I know people will watch and they'll wonder what I'm talking about. Go ahead.

Yeah, let me just, so I get that you're speaking vaguely, and that's... Am I speaking in code? I think you're, so it helps me a lot to understand like a detailed, scenario. And at the same time, I'm, like, noticing that you're being very, very careful. So I don't quite know what you're talking about, which is okay. You don't need to share it.

Okay. I'm going to, I mean, if you want to, it would be helpful, but I'm okay, like, respecting what I think is that boundary and just moving on to other stuff. Because I, I don't think that, I think the impact on you is more important than the details of what happened. Yeah. I think a lot of is, like, um, um, um, I've studied. in the past and one of the moments I think going to the key moments that really hurt me the most I kind of gave me that kind of realization is that whether I was kind of right or wrong or whether I was being kind of paranoid or not I said in the past like I didn't really feel good about like how I was feeling and my health overall not for things nobody knows about any of

is people, I don't want people to speculate. I just didn't feel right. And then I was running my will with my mom and whatever. And then the person I was with, I was kind of like, I was like, yeah, I don't, I don't feel really good and whatever. And then if I die, if I check out, like, I want people to get stuff. And that person was not on the will. And then it was like at a moment where I'm like really vulnerable at my kind of lowest like it's kind of like a oh wow like I'm kind of I'm so scared of I'm running a wheel down Hearing him just say like okay then if that happens then what do I get?

It's not like wow Shit that's tough You know because it makes you feel like even if you were to fucking Check out like you still you would still you would still you would still be what you have, you know. And I think that was like really impactful. That's kind of where things are going to fill up are. Thank you for sharing that.

I think that adds a lot of, I mean, that helped me like really, like, holy shit, man. Yeah, that's tough. Like, you're, I don't even know how old you are, but you ain't old. And here you are, you know, making your will. And like, you know, instead of us. someone wondering like, hey, like, why are you doing this? What's wrong? Like, how can I help? Like, what the fuck, man? They're like, what do I get? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And I'm not like kind of paraphrasing. It was exactly how it was like almost like one to one. And after that, it kind of, I don't know,

things kind of start changing a little bit. And then, yeah. And then it just kind of, it was like more recurring all the time, a bunch of times. And it just, and then it's like the, I don't know what it's called the, the psychological thing. We're like, once you see it, you see it once, you know it exists and you see it more often. Confirmation bias. Yeah. Then it's like, then I kind of see it more often in the patterns a little bit. Not that was paranoid.

I'm not like going full schizo about it. But, uh, well, I mean, I think it's, I think it's reasonable. so I see this a lot with people who are young and successful and, you know, I worked with someone who started a company very young and then like sold it at the age of like 26 or something like that and then they were, you know, people started treating them differently. And you mentioned in some place, sometimes that you do contribute to the problems. In what way do you think you contribute to some of the problems that you have? because I would like let these people like get away with it if that makes sense like I kind of like

blind I didn't want to believe that that was the world that I was going to be living in and then I kind of kind of kind of let it happen and kind of let the waves wash over me if that makes sense I would just kind of like there's no way it's kind of like that and I was kind of in complete denial for the longest time it took me a while to really get that um it's something even sometimes you can have it as boldly as it can be in front of you, right? And as easy and right there, you still won't really believe it or something, you know? So if I were to ask, let's say, some of your friends who betrayed you or whatever, do you have a sense of what they would say about how you contribute to problems in relationships?

I doubt they would say you were in denial for having too much faith in them. No. Yeah, no, I think even though I care a lot, I hyper-focus on things, and a lot of times I neglect people. I don't give them the time of day. I don't give them time and acknowledgement. And like I said earlier, I don't water my plants. And that was a big problem with my relationships as well. Romantically is that I just, I was a bad boyfriend. I was cold and withdrawn. And rarely, there and when I'm there, I'm just kind of, like, my head is like cooked almost, you know, so I'm like kind of just being there, especially with friends or whatever.

And that contributes to problems 100%. Because then make people have ideas about what you think or feel about them. And they probably think that you're like almost against them or something like that, right? So in a way, I was always kind of passively not doing good to anybody. and I would expect the same type of thing in return, right? Except instead when it was more like betrayal, than it feels like it's more willingful hostility. It's more deliberate than just being passively not responding to somebody

or ghosting them or whatever, right? I think it's a different level of intensity that kind of raises the bar. And I get it. Some people will snap if they're like starved, but I didn't know it'd get that bad and I blame myself for a little bit of it not all of it I'm not gonna like full fold on it

but yeah so that's useful to know so I'm kind of hearing that and it's interesting use this word cooked I think it's a great oftentimes when I'm done streaming like I just don't have anything left in the tank and I have to like go and recuperate

you know and so I'm kind of around and even to a certain degree like almost like leaching off of the people around me. Yeah. You know, because I just don't have anything left, like, to give and participate. But I don't want to be by myself, and I'm getting something from that. So it can feel very one-sided.

Yeah. So let me try to stitch some stuff together. Oh, actually, one last question. Maybe not last, but. So, Felix, a lot of stuff that we're talking about, I'm curious, like, what are you feeling emotionally as we talk about this stuff? Because a lot of it's like pretty heavy, man. I don't know.

I don't. It's just, I think the way that I visualize it a lot, I'm very visual. So I can see most of my thoughts and my concepts, like, even though it sounds kind of crazy, but some even like elaborate thoughts that are all words in my head, I see as like an image. So it kind of, the way I can kind of describe it to you is that it's not, it's not that it's too hard to deal with. Because I think the way that I see it in myself is that, you know, like, you have like a RAM in your computer, right? Like, it's saturated. It's already maxed out.

There's always so much in there that's like in my thoughts or whatever. There's always so, it's like already packed, right? So whatever comes above it or it's a little just replace or it'll, but like it, I think at a point there's comes to like a maximum of things you can care about, right? If you have like 16 problems and you think about, you're resisting right now, you think about them. shit, you have to really remind yourself of these problems because you almost forget about it. There's so many of them. And when these things happen at all the same time, yeah, it's heavy. At some time, I could just kind of bury it and just go live and just fucking send it, you know?

And it's like, it all becomes going to, right? And the biggest problem with that is that I'll process them kind of passively by just doing stuff. but with just the recent stuff and whatever and whatever I have to deal with it for the first time in my career if you want to say a career I have my phone upside up

like whatever with the like there are some things I have to kind of be receptive of and if I get communicated stuff I need to like answer like kind of like now right so I can't like escape it entirely I can never like just say okay I'm closing this court I'm closing Twitter.

I'm closing all my text messages and put it on snooze and I'm going to go live for like the whole day. I have to like constantly constantly just kind of check up on it. And that's been like the big roadblock is like just feeling like something is going to happen. Something's going to say something. Something's going to do whatever. And just going to be in that cycle of like reminder that the problems are there. I can't even escape them. Okay.

So one one more question. So you mentioned that sometimes you kind of. to air this stuff out on stream and stuff and it helps you process. Have you tried airing it out privately? Um, yeah, a lot of people know about a lot of stuff I go through. Yeah. Yeah. And it doesn't help. Uh, it doesn't. It just doesn't, like, it just flat out. Um, it doesn't. And sometimes, even the solution, um, don't give me any peace. Like, sometimes the resolution, like, sometimes the resolution. of these things, like, it's almost like you're kind of chasing it down.

It's like, you finally get it. It's like, okay, well, that doesn't feel any better. Okay. So I'm hearing that that's not helpful. Have you tried with a professional? No. Okay. So, Felix, here's what I'm kind of, do you want me to ask you more questions?

Are you enjoying talking about this or do you want to answers? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, all good. No, but what do you want? I like questions. I think talking about it now, I kind of reprocess it because that makes sense. I can't just hear myself talk, right? These are some things that I haven't thought about in a while or something. It's kind of helpful to just hear myself talk about it.

Yeah, yeah, questions. You can have answers if you have one like on the fly, but yeah, we can just kind of go. Yeah, just keep asking questions. We'll see what happens. So is it helpful to you that I'm asking questions? Yeah. I think you're getting a better grasp of what's up. And I think you're smart enough to interrupt me and kind of have like a solution when you find one and or like something to talk about whenever I think you pick up on those things and that kind of trust the process. Yeah. So I think I'm at kind of like a pausing point in the process and I'm going to give you a couple of options. Yeah. So the first is that like speaking in the vague ways that you are and I'm not saying that as a criticism. I know that you've got good reasons for it.

Yeah. So if we let's like understand something about processing. So talking, saying the words that need to be said is like really important. So whether that's going to the grave of one of your parents who is sexually abusive and like yelling at them and telling them that they're fuckers and you hate them. That's different from vaguely telling someone that like, you know, my parents did some bad. stuff and I'm mad at them. Like, like, you have to speak your truth. Yeah. So this is where like, I can continue asking questions and I think I'm going to get vague answers, but I got, I felt more goodness hearing about this story about your will than like

anything else that you've said. And by goodness, I don't mean that it was good. I mean that that feels to me like progress in some way. Yeah. So that's the second thing is that I think I've got like two types of solutions that we can talk through. One is like, okay, like how can you as a streamer understand physiologically, neuroscientifically, psychologically, psychologically, like what's going on? Sort of like this business about always being plugged in and like there's like some stuff around that about really understanding what your life is doing. to your person. Yeah. Stress.

Like you're getting run ragged. Like you're cooked. Like you're baked. You're finished. Like getting over cooked. Yeah. Right? And there's stuff where you can say, well, I have to respond to stuff today. And like begging your pardon, Felix, no, you don't.

But I totally understand having worked with like hundreds of content creators at this point, that everyone feels like they do. And maybe I'm wrong. But like, you know, I've worked with some pretty big people. And I know the feeling. But there's some amount of like wrestling with yourself. And the second thing, and this is kind of where my heart is, is like this big question of like, what do you want and who are you? And how do you live life?

Like what do you look for when the things that when your support start falling apart or betraying you or whatever, like how do you as like a human being in this world figure out what your compass is? Because what I'm hearing is that there's confusion. There's walls that you've built up to protect yourself that make you isolated. There's one person that you've always been able to count on, which is to a certain degree abandoned you, which is you. And then like, where do you go from here? Right? And, like, those are questions where, you know, I've helped some people. And I think this is like, like the conversation I'm having with you, I don't think it's just about you.

and it's not about the other people that I've helped. This is a core problem. A lot of people in life counted on other people, got burned by it. And even in the past, when you get burned by people that you count on, you can count on yourself. Yeah. But at some point, even this cracks.

And then we don't know what the fuck to count on. We don't even know what we're supposed to be doing. Here you are making all this money. And what happens? The more money you make, the more invisible you become. Yeah. So now it's like, well, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Yeah.

You know, and I'm hearing that you're okay, like quitting streaming once you feel fulfilled and you're kind of done with it. And you're like, okay, this is no longer fun for me. You're not really in it for the money or the fame or the power or whatever, right? Maybe some part of you is, but. Yeah. But I'm not hearing that like, you know, you're quitting because you're fulfilled. What I'm hearing is that you're struggling to put your life back together. and it's like slipping away from you more and more and more.

Yeah. Well, I don't mind it kind of like in a way like everybody knows about me. Like I'm not going to hide it. I thrive in like chaos and kind of destruction and all these bad things because at one point it's it becomes like an outlet. Right. What I do anyway, right? And I think it's a very important process. And I just feel like I cannot do that right now.

And that's the problem. is that the destruction in it all the thing is that's all like it's been always part of my formula that makes sense um yeah i do like self-destruction like self-sabotage or whatever in certain ways and um most people will think of these things that's like really bad and kind of worrisome and they're like strong words but at the same time they're part of my process they're part of my formula and it works for me and i like it and yeah it's like they're i always say oh yeah there's drama but if I didn't if I didn't like it I wouldn't be in it a lot of times like I stay close to the fire right I just just this time I just felt like I kind of fell in the

fire right so I was I was kind of going like this for like years and then I just kind of felt right in the fire and it's like fuck I like the destruction I don't like the absolute like annihilation you know it's like it's like it like a tear above it and I didn't think it would go like that I didn't I didn't think so so so I Okay, so tell me this. So, okay, with questions, or you want answers? What do you want? Oh, questions is good.

Okay. So how do you thrive in chaos, Felix? This analogy that I use sometimes, it's the scratched phone analogy. You get a new phone, right? And you're really careful not to scratch it, right? Oh, my God, I can't scratch it. and then once you scratch it

you get really mad at it right so you could apply this to the analogy to anything like your room or your head or whatever and then once I get one scratch on it then it's all out I don't care anymore

and it's like I'll get a thousand scratches on it right? Because it's damaged and I cannot be I'm not a very good adult enough to maintain intact or overall intact things, right?

And it feels like it's easier to thrive and it's all just all out. Like if I'm going to have a little bit of treasure on the underground, I might as well have the whole room full of it. If it's going to be a little bit broken, it's going to be completely busted, you know? And that's kind of like,

it became kind of my world and my environment. And anytime I rented like a nice house or something nice or I guess something cool, whatever, I hate it because it's not my world. I thrive in. I like the, But yeah, like way back when I used to streaming like a garage and a basement and it's like full of trash and it's like, shit, this is kind of hard, you know. It's easy because it's all, I don't feel like I have the responsibility to maintain it and whatever.

And that's just always been my world. And that's what makes me thrive. Yeah, that's the chaos of it. Can I think for a second? Yeah, of course. It's beautiful, by the way. Thank you. so if I'm understanding you Felix

yeah it's liberating to have a cracked phone oh yeah oh fuck yeah because then it's like it falls into the water jumping on the ground hey it's cracked who the fuck cares

yeah yeah and it's scuffed anyway and if I'm mad at it if I have something's going on I could just I could chuck it you can't it's scuffed yeah I'm like I did that's got how it feels you know yeah Yeah.

Yeah, go ahead. It's freedom. It's the feeling that like it's so broken. It might get a little bit more broken, but it's not the difference between being intact and a little bit scratched. It's like it's a level of like of bad that is controlled. It will get bad to a little bit worse. And that's going to that's like so.

Yeah, it is liberating it. It makes you feel like I could do whatever. Felix, are you perfectionistic? That's tough. That term is, I would have to struggle with it, because I want to be perfect in my way. Not perfect, perfect. So what I think is done my way.

And that's been a blockade in a lot of projects I've been doing with other people is that if I can't execute it my way, I will never be able to do it for you or for anybody else. Like, it's going to be really bad. And a lot of sponsors I've had, their collabs or whatever. It's just completely trash.

It's like, I don't know what we're doing because it's not me doing it. Okay. I'm not like the conductor. Okay. That's helpful to know. And then let me ask you, how good are you at keeping things intact?

Oh, I'm terrible at it. Yeah, I'm absolutely horrible at it. When did you? Yeah, go ahead. No, no, you're good. No, you go ahead. Oh, I never. I'm terrible at it. I'm skill zero. When did you, when did you learn that you can't keep things intact?

Um, I'm just growing up and being messy. Like, just always being like ADHD, Andy and like, um, doesn't matter. I can have my entire head. I'll focus on like not dropping this one plate and I'll, I will turn and I'll hit it on the wall. Right. And at one point, I kind of gave up in that part of me. that like tries to do that, tries to, um, it was like a complete give up. Like, it's not like a little bit. It's like now it's, okay,

well, not only do I know it's going to be broken. I'm going to prepare for everybody and burial good. And I might just break it ahead of time just to make sure that it's broken ahead of time and I'm not going to be surprised by it. Right. And in a lot of ways, I did that.

Um, yeah. Um, and, Yeah, because here's what I'm, I was just kind of thinking there for a second and thinking about what kind of person feels liberation from cracking their phone. The kind of person who's really, really, really, really stressed about not cracking it. What kind of person gets really, really, really stressed for cracking their phone? The person who tries really, really hard to not crack their phone and fucking cracks it anyway.

Okay, yeah. Right? So what I'm hearing is that like success or perfection is something you've strived for and failed. And exactly what you said. I mean, it was kind of like what I was sort of thinking about it. And even to the point where like I'm so afraid of dropping this tradition, I'm just going to break it myself. Yeah. With people too sometimes, sometimes you meet somebody that you like or care about.

And it feels like I'm going to fuck up at one point or very soon. and it makes even want to kind of give up on them already so that they're not disappointed down the line or I'm not caught by surprise and I just throw them away. Right? How does it feel to say that? It feels okay.

I've been saying it to myself for like years. I think it's something I do all the time, like throw people away. I know I won't be able to like water that plant or maintain it or like I'm not good enough or whatever like imposter syndrome a little bit sometimes. And it's like, especially with, I think especially with girls also. when like, you feel like for some reason,

you feel like you're not good enough of them, right? And you know you're going to fuck up somehow or some reason down the line and you don't know when or what? And you're just like, ah, you know what? Fuck it. I'm just going to ghost them and just throw them away.

And it's like, now I know it's done. I'm not going to get sad or annoyed by it when it happens or why or the scenario of it. If I throw them away now and I prevent myself from having something good, then I can't break it. Who are you protecting by doing that? I think I try to protect myself from disappointment.

What disappointment in what or who? Who are you, what kind of disappointment are you protecting yourself from? Like my future stuff, if that makes sense. Like, I think I would rather be kind of upset. I miss out an opportunity or I threw somebody away, right? Then actually fail at one point and be like, oh man, I failed them and I failed myself. And it's like kind of harsh. Like, sometimes it's, it gets destructive a lot.

And it's like, oh, I can avoid that because I'm not good enough. So fuck it. I'm just going to go way ahead of the curve and just, just ghost them out. Yeah. I think I did that a lot, like a lot, lot, lot, lot, lot, lot. To the point where like I had nothing to maintain, like, I just threw it all the way. But I'm not saying it's a good thing. It's a good process.

I'm just thinking like that's kind of how I proceeded with things. Right. I mean, I think it's in, in a, important realization to recognize that you would rather sabotage things yourself than disappoint yourself or other people. Oh, yeah. I don't even, I'm not hearing this from you, but I think it's probably true. I feel pretty confident that you're also trying to protect the other person.

Yeah, oh, 100%. Yeah, for sure. But I'm not going to be a purist and be like, oh, yeah, I'm doing it because I'm so nice to them or whatever. It's partly because I know they'll be disappointed and I know how they're going to feel because you've seen it a lot if you've seen them be disappointed often you know what's going to happen

you can almost predict it right so yes I am gonna protect them in a certain way and often enough you're also doing something weird which is that so it's interesting right so I said you're you're trying to protect them too and then you said well yeah but I'm not gonna pretend to be a purist and like I'm just doing it for them

yeah What I mean? So, I mean, I think it's kind of interesting because I don't even, I think you're actively pushing away like a good part of yourself. You can, you kind of see what I'm saying. Like, I don't know if this makes sense, but. Kind of. So the first thing that you're really open to pointing out how you're almost selfish, but not, but like you retreat away from being selfless. in some way.

Because when I ask you, like, who are you, and maybe you just really are more focused about not disappointing yourself, but I think it's kind of weird. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it's like that, yeah. It's more about myself than them. It's more about yourself? Yeah, unfortunately. I don't like saying it.

I mean, it's just how it is. It's true, though. It's more about myself, yeah. And I do care a bit about them and about what's going to be to fall out, I guess, with how they're going to react or whatever. But that's not really the core focus. it's more like how I'm going to feel if I fuck it up. And how are you going to feel if you fuck it up?

It'll get dark. It'll be like super upset, man. It's kind of like a, it's going to be like cowardly at one point because that's how I know that's how you progress, right, through failure and understanding what happened and whatever and all that, right? But at some point, I feel like you've failed so often that it's almost like you're predicting it. So it's like you're predicting your own failure and it's like self-fulfilling prophecy or something. And I know it's a bad pattern, but I'm just saying that that's what I do.

How is it cowardly? Because that's not how, I don't think it's how you improve as a person. It's not how you grow and get better by predicting you're going to fail and like making sure you fail but ahead of time. Otherwise, I would never even try, but sometimes it's about like the dream of it. Sometimes you kind of wish that you could have something of value, you know? And you kind of go for it anyway. What makes that hard for you? What makes that hard? Which part?

What makes it hard to try for something that's valuable? So you're kind of saying that like, you know, the way you're supposed to learn is by giving it, giving it your all and, you know, learning from it. But it sounds like you're not really able to do that very easily. So why not? Why can't you do what you know you need to do? I don't know. Why can't you love Felix? Um, shit, I don't know.

I think, I think in a lot of ways, like, I know for a fact that there's going to be stuff that or like, I'll have goals or all hyperfocus. And I know for a fact that even I could have the best thing I could have right now in front of me. And I could easily claim it by, let's say, if I had to put like one hour aside and I could have that for the rest of my life and it's like the best thing in the world, I know for a fact that I won't, I won't do it. at one point I will I will fail and it's like predictable almost right and that that's kind of how it's been you know like I know that I'll want to stream more and do this and do that and I know that my goals and my thing like the grind will come in the middle of it and I will give up on them and myself at that point and it's like you still try for these things but I'll do it as in like almost like a dream if that makes sense I want to be too cliche about it like it's a little bit like a dream. You think about all the possibilities.

Like, oh, okay, cool. It can't let yourself like drift away with that idea. And you kind of go for it,

half ass, and you kind of almost start getting it, right? And you're like, sometimes I always get mad that it's working, right? Sometimes I'll get mad

that it's actively working. It's like developing. I'm like, oh, man. Now I can't wish I didn't start it because now I have to, I have to fucking throw it away. And that sucks.

Isn't that so weird, I feel like I'm like I'm demonic or something. I don't know. Yeah, I mean, I hope this is okay. I say this with love. That's fucked up. Yeah, it's pretty bad. I mean, what do you think?

Yeah, I think it's fucked up too. I think it's okay to the only thing that I'll be okay with is saying that like it's okay to want things, right? but sometimes I can't come to terms with what that comes with and the commitment and what the whole package of it, right? And all I think is like the

I don't know, the best part of it or whatever. And I'll be like I'll fall into the dream and like, oh man. How are you so sure you're going to screw it up? Like I said earlier, I'm so messy. I'm so fucking, it's like it's like

the more I focus on not fucking up increase as much as a fucking number because you're literally with the phone thing and it becomes like it becomes where you have this kind of belief that you're not allowed to have good things that's kind of how it was for me and I would lock myself out of having good things

because I know I can't have them I'm gonna fuck it up so I better do other things instead but here and there I'll fall through the I'll fall into the rabbit hole of like, so kind of wanting it or a part of it. And like I said earlier, like, I'll be like, ooh, this is working. Fuck, I wish, you know, like, it's crazy when it just, it's just kind of works,

like, what's some way back when, like, I'd like, talk to a girl or something. Send her DM, whatever, and she, and I'm talking it because I'm like, you know, it'd be cool if she replied, right? And then, oh, my God. And what if, what if she was my girlfriend and it would be so nice? And then she's so hot and, like, oh, my God, she's kind of high to my league, and it's kind of crazy. and then she replies

and then at one point it's what I want right in my head I'm like I really want her to reply and she does and I'm like oh my God I'm like oh god

I gotta throw it away and then bang you throw it away and that's so dumb yeah but I mean I think so so Felix when there's a part of us that is dumb there's

I don't know to say this the stupider it is the more correct it is in a weird way. So like for you to learn that and believe that, you had to learn that lesson really, really hard. Like you had to learn it in a big way. So when did you,

this idea that you're not allowed to have good stuff, where did you learn that? That's tough. Yeah, I don't know. That is really tough. I don't want to be like, non-responsive it. It's not that I want to dodge your question it. I know. I just I just feel like it's a lot of small things, big things, and it's just kind of as you grow up, it becomes like a core

belief. Yeah. Right? And so it's not like a big event or big whatever, right? So is there something insignificant that comes to mind from a long time ago? Um, yeah. Um, I mean, there's a billion stories of like stuff that I fucked up. Like, yeah. My brother is, we used to play Diablo and we had like, we had the whole point of Diablo is to have good items. And then one time he kind of like let me use his account so I could like do duels or whatever. And I was like, oh my God, I kind of, I felt like I had this now.

Even though it's not mine, I could kind of use it a little bit. And some guys like, yo dude, I'll do, I'll dupe your items. Like I'll double it, you know? And I'm like, ooh, Nick is going to love this. I'm but to clutch up. And I give him all my items. And he just disconnects, you know? And then he comes home from school.

And he's like, yo, do what happened? We got hacked. I'm like, oh, my God, we got hacked. No. And I never told him. I'm pursuing to this day. He doesn't know about it. His best character was just naked because of what I did.

And it just smells up like that. it doesn't matter like how easy I get it, how hard I work for something that I'll have, I will throw it away one or another unintentionally. And that belief becomes so strong that like, okay, I will do it intentionally now. Because I always say, yes, sometimes I'll build a tower, right? Like a success in one way or another or I'll build something. It feels really good that when the tower falls, because I broke it. nobody else.

And when that power is taken away from me, I become like a demon because nobody breaks my tower. I break my own. And it will break, but it comes from my hand. And when that power is stripped away from me, it makes me like,

that's when things get really bad. You know? Really bad in what way? Like, it gets bad. I get like just in these mental cycles, like, of powerlessness, right? because I want to be I have the option it's not that I want to destroy everything I've built right

I want to have the option of it does that make sense I want to have the button that says fuck this shit I'm out right and break it down so that's gonna half that would like people and money it's a half else we're like yeah so you know I don't know if you had this experience but when you're growing up and kids make fun of you one of the things that kids will start to do is if you're if people are bullying you and making fun of you, one of the things that you learn as a kid is you're going to make fun of yourself. Yeah.

And then you start beating yourself up. And why is that? It's because you've got two choices. You can people can make, you can feel like crap and it be out of your control or you can feel like shit and it can be in your control. Yeah. And we'll pick one over the other all day long. Yes. I think the problem is that once you start beating yourself up for that control, as you start to grow older and you internalize it, the bullies on the playground will disappear at some point.

But you fucking carry yourself. Yeah, I'm the visuals. I see what you're saying, right? And now I see like this skin in the playground and all the other than the kids like vanished out of thin air, right? And the guy still, he's still hitting himself, right? He's still doing it to himself. Everybody's gone at that point. And I was getting older now.

He's still doing it. And people haven't been there for years, right? That's kind of how I see it. Yeah. Does that? Yeah. That's me. That is me.

Yeah. Especially growing up, like, struggling with, like, confidence and whatever, right? That's kind of how it felt a lot. Is that I feel like, I don't know, like I didn't dress properly. I was ugly. I was kind of stupid. I don't know, I was short. Yeah, I grew up, I was one year in advance in school.

So everybody was like, when everybody was 18, I was 17, right? So like, yeah, I mean, sometimes I did the kind of like made fun of it, which is fine. I don't think that was a big problem because I was like a class clown. That's kind of how I made up for it. So I made everybody laugh and it was all good. But when you become the class clown, you also become a little bit invisible. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow.

Well, I'm actually surprised you're going to, well, I mean, you're knowledgeable, so yeah, you know that. Yeah, why did you say that? I'm interested in a, I want to hear your take on it. Well, because then they're not seeing you, right? They're seeing you perform. They're seeing a version of you. Yeah, okay. That's not really who you are.

Like, everyone's going to pay attention to you as long as you're making them laugh. But if you say, hey, I'm hurting today, what are they going to do? Yeah. Well, okay. Yeah. the same conclusion, but in different words, when I tell people about this, I thought, like, I was a class clown

and everybody liked me, right? Nobody loved me. I was friends with everybody, but had no friends, right? And then if I said hello with somebody, anybody out of the hundreds of people at my level, they'll say hello back and they'd chill out and do something, but I wouldn't get invited to parties. I wouldn't go anybody,

I wouldn't go back to anybody after school, And then that kind of like, I never understood why that was the case. And I think I'm starting to get it now. Is that true for you today? Yeah, I think it might be. And why is that? I don't know. I guess I, I guess I performed so much that I just, I guess I'm like a natural performer,

I guess that it's always on, you know? I think that's part of it. But I think there's something else going on, which is that the moment that someone doesn't treat you that way, you sabotage the relationship. Okay. Yeah. Well, that's insightful. Right. So now it's kind of tricky because here you are. Here's a part of your mind that's saying this always happens. And the very people that will be able to disprove it, you fucking kick them to the curb. Okay. Yeah. Absolutely. 100%. And so then that part of your mind is going to be, see, it always happens.

Okay. Oh my God. Every time I step outside, I get wet. My luck is so bad. Oh, shit. It's raining. Let me run outside. Oh, no.

Rain today? I'm going to stay inside. Yeah. Every time I go outside, I get wet. Yeah. I guess reason why it, yeah, that's like how it is. And I guess one of the reasons why it got so bad, I guess, is that not only does this make sense, but the one time where it kind of,

does happen the one time where you know it's not raining and then it starts raining and you're like at that point it doesn't even matter what i do it's going to happen regardless yeah right and i think that happened recently we're like you know um i think that kind of development in this way i'm not speaking code but like with my personal relationship um i think coincidentally or not i was like it always it always it always rains right and i go into rain all the time but in that one time i think it just started raining. I was like, okay, I'm not going to sabotage it this time. I'm going to go outside and, hey, look, guys, it's not raining outside, so I'm not

going to get wet. And it just starts. And it's like, I fucking knew it. And then everything starts like, and I think, then you start having like massive, like, I don't know, that becomes a strong idea to break away from, I think. So now it's like super built, you know? Yeah. It's like proven in every way.

Yep. Yeah. I think one of the worst things that can happen for you is that if you believe something, about life and life teaches you that you're right. Hardest thing to kick. Yeah. And at the same time, Felix, I do think that there are little things that, so I'm not, I'm not hopeless for you.

I think you've got a lot of stuff working for you. I think the most important thing is that you are, it seems like you're pretty honest with yourself. So what I'm getting the sense of is not that you deny things, but that once you come to a conclusion, kind of like you were saying with the sponsorships, like you're going to do it your way. And you're also going to think your way and you're going to live life your way. And so the problem here is one of rigidity. The problem is that you're a smart guy who has learned somewhere along the way that the rest, the way that the other people live their lives doesn't apply to you. you get that?

You probably learn that really early on. Oh, yeah, 100%. Yeah. Right? So, like, the best example is Love Wiggin. I love Love Wiggin. I mean, but he does things in a way I could never do it. I know that.

The way he processed things and how he sees Con and how he does it, right? I almost make fun of him sometimes because it's so foreign to me, right? It's exactly the opposite of how I do things, right? So that's, that's going to, yeah, an example jumped at me. Yeah, so I think the challenges that you learned early on, like, you know, so even when it comes to making friends, right? So like early on, you're a year younger, I was too, by the way. And so it's hard being a, you were talking about 17, 18. I'm talking about 5 and 6.

Right? When you go to like physical education or gym class or whatever and you're like a 5 year old competing against 6 year olds, you're going to get crushed. Oh, yeah. Some of them are even 7. Them. And then like they hit puberty and like you don't? Yeah. I was a squeaker.

What does that mean? A squeaker, man. The voice is squeaking. It's like, uh... Right? You know? Yeah, yeah. And so then you learn to take control by making fun of yourself, by making fun of other

kids, right? If you can make them laugh, like, you start to become invisible. Yeah. You start to lose a little bit of faith in yourself, but also you get this like really strong kind of faith in yourself. There's this core of iron at the bottom. You learn to believe in yourself and trust in yourself. learn that like you can't count on anyone else and what everyone else tells you will work in

life doesn't work yeah so you become fiercely independent it's the only way for you to survive okay yeah i really did that a lot yeah i also um kind of built a strong sense of like um my strong confidence and my ability to perform because if you have to perform or survive then you're always doing it at one point becomes like sick in nature you know uh because like always like running in the background, which is good and bad, right? Because then you're always invisible. So I, yeah, right?

Yeah. And then when someone sees you, oh, hey, this girl DM me. I told her that life was hard. And she didn't know who I am. And she offered to split the bill. She doesn't know how much money I wake. Holy shit.

She's not with me for my money. Yeah. Time to fucking block her. Yeah. Oh, yeah, true. I can't. It makes sense, yeah? It's a bad pattern for sure.

I think I've understood a part of that, I think in recent times, very recent times. I think I've had a small amount, but very significant experiences where it didn't rain, right? And I didn't get wet. And I was like, wow, what is that like? And then I'll be right with those people, right? and I'll be like, why aren't you like, why aren't you watering? Like, why isn't it raining? Right?

And they don't know what I'm, they think I'm crazy or something, right? But I'm like, it's kind of weird. I'll tell them like, man, you're kind of interacting. You're talking to me like a human. It's kind of weird, right? But I'm trying to get past this point where like I don't have to notice it on the fly and kind of make them hear about it. but I've had a good amount recently that's like, shit, yeah, it doesn't rain.

And it felt really good. It's why I'm saying I'm on the direction is up, is that even though it's only two or three instances, like it's really refreshing. And I think I took a day off for like the first time in a long time. And I kind of had that. And I was like, maybe there's kind of, there's like hope there. Sometimes all it takes is just one instance of the opposite to have some sort of track record that can get better.

Yeah. Look at you being hopeful. It's good. I like it. No, it's good. I don't like to be self-loathing. All guys, I give up on everything, right? I did that with a couple things.

But when there's a good thing that comes up, I'll catch it. You know, I sell my hands like this, right? I'm waiting for the ball, right? And it hasn't been a ball in a long time, but now there's one. I'll catch it. Is it okay for you to be pitied? Um, no. I don't want to be pitied.

Um, what about people having compassion for you? Perhaps. Perhaps all my problems are self-inflicted. All of them. There's not one that isn't. Like, like I said earlier,

like if you play with fire, you will get burned and you might fall in it. Well, like, I can't fall in the fire say like where was it i was playing with it the whole time right and a lot of the loneliness and the the thing that's what sorry is it okay if i interrupt you sometimes yeah it's funny i like it so if you are to blame for all of your problems who has control over your life matrix i'm just kidding i don't know i don't know what was that going if you're all has to blame who's got the power

Um You do Me Yeah Me Yeah So here's the weird thing Remember how we talked about the whole

Like I'm gonna make fun of myself Or I'm gonna sabotage this relationship Because I don't want to lose control over it You're taking control all the time Control control control Fucking I don't care about the fucking money You guys want the money

I'll fucking burn it I'll teach you To look past me bitch Okay Yeah Oh, yeah, I've done that. Right? Yeah.

Yeah, you're right. I do have the power and the control to do these things. This is the crazy thing is you, this is the weird thing. You don't. It's the way that you view the world. But I hate to break this to you, Felix, but you can't control anything except for yourself. Like literally. You're right.

It's the way you see the world. And I don't blame you for seeing the world that way. because it's a way that lets us fix the unfixable because when I can't control other human beings and they hurt me, that means I'm fucked. How do I win this match?

I can't win the match because someone else has power and I don't. It's a scary way to go through life. But then the problem is that when you think you have all the control, all kinds of weird shit starts to happen. The first is that you do this weird kind of stuff in relationships, where the moment that some person exerts independence or whatever, you're like,

this is weird. I don't like it. I'm losing control of the relationship. And somewhere along the way, you lost faith in yourself. Which is weird because you almost have this paradoxical, unrelenting faith in yourself. I could fucking cancel you on every single platform and you'd be fine with it because you'll find some other. You'll fucking build your own

platform. You'll start streaming. You thrive in the chaos. It's not the challenges that hold you back. Okay. It's the wins. It's the lucky breaks. That's when you're like, what the fuck?

It's sunny today? Where's the rain? Yeah. And now you're confused. And so what do you do? Make a weather-altering machine. Go find some shaman and they do a rain dance. And you're like, ah, that's right.

create the chaos now I understand okay can I tell you a story yeah yeah of course I like stories I once had a patient who had been traumatized and was convinced

that everyone in their life abandons them yeah finds a loving so this is what's weird so when you're when you've been in abusive relationships you tend to gravitate towards abusive relationships

and everyone else is like what the fuck like Why don't you just leave? Why don't you date someone who's not a toxic shitter? And then the person doesn't understand, right? And it's not their fault. Because here's what happens. They date two people.

One person is like, yeah, you suck. And they're like, okay, I know this game. I've played this game. I know what the rules are. I can survive it. And then someone else comes along and they're like, you're awesome. And now they get confused. They're like, what do you mean I'm awesome?

because people have told them that before, and they start out being awesome, and then they end up being abusive. And so then what happens, what really starts to happen, what's really sad about this is at some point they find someone who has faith in them is a human being.

Doesn't see them as invisible, doesn't just date them for their body or their money or whatever. And then they get even more confused because they don't even know what love feels like. They don't know what unconditional acceptance feels like. So then they start being like, what are you doing?

where's the other shoe? Like, what are you not telling me? You're going to leave me, right? You're going to leave me, right? You're going to leave me, right? You went out with your friends for a week. Did you cheat on me? I'm sure you cheated on me.

Of course you cheated on me. And then the person's like, no, I'm not going to leave you. I'm not going to leave you. I'm not going to leave you. And the other person's like, you're going to leave me. You're going to leave you. And what do they end up doing? They fucking drive them away.

Like, I can't deal with this shit. I'm gone. See, I knew it. Yeah. I was right all the love. long. You were bullshitting me and you were really good at it. You bullshitted me for four years. That's bad enough. I feel like there's even a worse example. Instead of driving them away, you drive away. You're like, I knew it's the one who went away. So that's what happens, right?

So I drive them away for a while and then I decide, you know what? It hurts too much to be loved by someone and have that person abandoned me. So now what I'm going to do is anytime there's an instance of genuine love or affection. I know where this ends. I don't want to put myself through it. Because having someone treat you like shit and then abandon you, I can manage that. Someone loving you and abandoning you hurts way more. Yeah.

Okay, true. Yeah. So Felix, it's the good stuff that hurts in life. Yeah. And like, you know, I see this with parents. Because, like, you don't really know, like, I didn't really know what fear was until I had kids. like fear is like a whole different it's like different it's just different like once you know once you really love something and you're responsible for something in this world you know a level of fear that's

like absolutely terrifying and i think what i'm hearing from you is that you've been burned so much yeah you're fucking stepping around the fire but you've gotten you've gotten burnt here or there now you're starting to develop scar tissue yeah and then some some bad shit happens and you know some of it's your fault and some of it isn't and I think that like you know I mean it sounds like for a lot of reasons you can be very hard in relationships like I'm not talking about just romantic relationships you're kind of saying you know you water your plants and yeah just all of them yeah and I I don't know I mean so I feel really confident because I think that you do control a lot I don't think you control as much as you think you control.

I think it's helpful for you to believe that you're omnipotent. Because I kind of know what that means, but not really. All powerful. Okay. Right? Like, the world is your oyster. Yeah. And at the same time, like, I think there's weird stuff.

It's really hard to be in a relationship with someone who believes they're omnipotent. I'm not talking about, like, narcissism. I mean that, like, when everything is under your control, you stop holding other people responsible. You actually let them do things like walk over you. That person who you talked about with the will, that person is signaled to you that they care more about your money, a thousand different ways before that moment. But you let it ride because it's, oh, like, if this person is like not treating me the way that I need to be treated, it's my fault. I need

to change the way that I interact with them. You know, when you get bullied at school and you start becoming the class clown, you don't blame the bullies. You learn how to blame yourself because it's a survival mechanism. If you blame the bullies, all that's going to happen, you're going to get fucking bullied more. But if you put the pressure on yourself, I need to be funnier. I can control this if I'm funny enough. It gives you power. Yeah.

Yeah, that makes it a lot of sense, actually, yeah. And what's the solution to that? Getting out of that kind of. So a couple of things. The first is, so I'm going to... Give me a second, okay? I'm going to write this out. Yeah.

By the child thing you're talking about, I feel like I feel that with my brother. You know, we're not that close these days, right? I can be hurt and get hurt by a bunch of people and hurt myself a bunch of times. It doesn't really feel scary or anything. But whenever he gets harmed or something like that, then I go into, like, a different mode. I could change gears almost, you know? and I think he feels the same way about me

kind of like brotherhood okay give me just a second that's useful to know thank you for sharing that yeah give me a second sorry okay so how do you fix that

let's understand for everybody who's in a situation kind of like this the first thing that you've got to do and you're spot on so it's interesting there's like old yogic texts that describe how you kind of said

it wasn't one moment it's a thousand tiny things. But those things are significant. So the first thing that you can do is tell those stories. So this is sometimes the work of psychotherapy, but there's a lot of emotional processing that also happens in places like Alcoholics Anonymous, like we see this a lot with like addiction, right?

Where people will go and they'll like share their story and stuff like that. You can do it with friends. Like you can, you know, just you got to like articulate all the times that you knew that you could not be trusted to not break something. Because I want you to really think about what does that do to someone's life when they believe that they cannot be trusted to protect something. Like everything precious in their life gets sabotage or discarded.

And the more precious it is, the more you have to run away from it. Because you can't trust yourself not to break it. So if you tell those stories, it's weird, but you will change. That'll fix a lot of it. Second thing is be really intentional in kind of this rain or shine sort of thing. Okay? So like the problem is that right now you've got a lot of reflexes about the way that you respond to your feelings and the way that you interpret what happens in your life.

Right? So you have like, you feel a certain way like, oh, I feel really happy. This is really good. And that feeling connects to a reflexive behavior. I got to ghost them. Yeah. So that needs to be caught in the moment and be like, okay, what am I feeling? What do I, what do I feel like doing?

How does it feel to do that? What you're doing is when someone starts to like you, Felix, and you like them back, you're losing control. You can't have that. No. Right? And when you ghost them, what are you getting back? Control.

Absolutely. One is awesome, right? Oh my God. She's kind of into me, but it's fucking scary, man. Yeah. Because if you build a tower too thin, so it's wobbling and it will fall, I better just... Yeah, right. You're taking control.

It feels good sometimes. Yes, right? Because you're scared. So being able to conquer that fear when you're ready, being able to be hurt again. Which I don't blame you. Like, I don't blame you for any of this. This is normal. You're just, you know.

Shit, I'm not, I'm not ready to be hurt again. I'm fucking, bro. I'm, I'm like, right now, I'm, I'm, I'm just shut down. Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. I'm becoming radicalized, okay? I'm red pill. I'm tape.

Okay. I mean, even all of those things are okay, right? Yeah. So it's, you know, it can start with, like, relationships. It's like starting with stuff like, you know, telling Nick that you all didn't get hacked. I never told him. He's probably going to watch this one day and be like, oh, man. Because he's 20, I think he's 30 now.

And I haven't told him yet. Yeah. So, you know, so there's all kinds of relationships where you're going to feel these reflexes of pulling away. So catch him in the moment. And that's where there's like some amount of, you know, almost techniques that you can use if you really want to. But I don't know if that's your jam. But like the key thing to remember is. that anything you feel in that moment, that fear or that loss of control, do you understand

that feelings are temporary? Yes. And so you can deal with that loss of control by engaging in a behavior and ghosting the person, or you can just do nothing. And what will happen to the feeling of loss of control? Don't know. Exactly. So you need to learn this.

So this is where I swear to God, it will disappear. It will go away on its own. And that's just because that's how human beings work. So I know it's kind of confusing, but like every emotion or thought, so your mind is never permanent. Do you get that? Your mind is always changing. New thoughts, new emotions.

Emotions come, emotions go. They can get triggered by things, but all emotions and thoughts in the mind are fluctuations. And then they return to baseline. If emotions would be permanent and you had the perfect wedding, you'd be happy for the rest of your life. That's not how it works. It's the hedonic treadmill thing, right? Right. So this is the key thing. The reverse of the hedonic treadmill

is that, sure, if you keep on chasing stuff, you keep on chasing, chasing, chasing to get, and that's why you need to chase new stuff to get that old high. But the reverse of the hedonic treadmill is also true. You dip low, stabilize, stabilize, type of thing. Yeah, so this is kind of like

the degenerate gamer solution to life, which is that you don't actually need to climb and all your problems will get fixed. You just fucking sit your ass down and your problems will literally disappear. They do disappear, yeah.

So all emotions that you have any amount of hurt that you feel will actually disappear over time. It can get re-triggered. So for you to not engage in those self-sabotaging behaviors is just going to be scary for you,

but it's an internal battle that you have to fight. It's one of the few things that you do control. The last thing, and this is going to be hard. Okay. Is you got to try surrendering.

So in your control? Yep. Oh, just letting the dogs loose and just say, see where they go? Yeah, you're not ready for this yet, I think. But if you really want to know what's truly liberating, because this is the thing, right? Even if you think about that broken cell phone. You know what?

Wait, wait, I sorry to interrupt you. You know what? I just thought about it. I think I tried what you just did. And since I told you, I'm very self-destructive overall, and it's one of my techniques of moving on and doing stuff. I tried I genuinely did

this whole like full let go right and see what happens and it's just it's just really unlucky it's unfortunate I got burned

back to back and it's really unlucky though and I recognize that I recognize that it was not like foreseeable or anything so surrendering is

is also trickier than sometimes we think it is it's not it's sort of letting go but like a lot of what we have to let go I don't exactly what happened in that situation. I'll trust you in that it was unlucky, but I think

that you got to work on a couple of other things and then surrender. And this is a beautiful thing. If you sort of think about it, right? When we have that cracked cell phone, that's the principle of surrender. Here you are trying to control everything. Oh my God, I can't crack it. I can't crack it. You're trying to control it. And it's so stressful. Oh, my God. And then it gets cracked anyway. And you fucker, you're controlling everything all the time. You'll crack your cell phone. But for the rest of your life, you've got to be in control. And look at what you're doing. And then you discovered, hey, if it gets cracked, I'm free.

Let it be cracked again. If I drop it, it's dropped. So be it. That surrender. You actually figured it out. And it's liberating. That I can use the cell phone. I can stick it in my pocket.

I can eat with it. And one day, it could be cracked. So be it. I'm going to do my best, but I can. can't protect the cell phone forever. And once you can live to, yeah. It's interesting that I'm like, I'm like an elite at understanding that system and how it works in some areas.

I can't apply it in other areas. Yeah. One doesn't go to the other. It just, I just don't do it. Right. And that's, I don't know why. That's because your degree of attachment to the two areas is different. Okay.

Right. So how much you care about it is different. You don't care about a cell phone. And sure, you stress about it a little bit, you don't care. But when it comes to, like, falling in love and being seen and no longer being invisible, right? Then you care. And once you start to care, things get scary, Felix. Yeah.

I see that. Right? You can burn the money because it ain't about the money. Yeah. I get it now. It actually makes a lot of sense, yeah. You kind of kind of made that. I kind of materialized it now because I didn't get that.

The degree of care for these things, yeah. Yeah. And you've learned an antidote to that too, which is you teach yourself how to stop caring, right? You build all these walls, which is like a good temporary measure. Temporary, yeah. Just so it doesn't happen again like too soon and it's like...

Yeah. So there's like a difference between like surviving today and like living for a happy tomorrow. And right now I get the sense that you're in survival mode, so whatever. So start to do these things. Then I think, you know, if you're diligent with this in a couple years, you'll be living a different life. Okay. The day-to-day may look the same, but the way that you're going to feel in here is going to be different.

My hope for you is that you'll have a couple of like meaningful relationships, romantic or whatever. I mean, that I don't know. But, you know, where people can see you for who you are. And then you can also have conversations with them about, hey, I'm not great at like watering plants. and this is something I'm actively working on, like, as a human being. And I really appreciate your patience. And I'm going to try to do better. And then there's going to be, like, small parts of that, which is on a day-to-day basis,

like you're going to get all these discord messages. And there's a part of you that knows that you should message your friend. But you don't because there's, like, too much important shit to do. And then you have to deviate something. And instead of doing something important, you're going to message your friend. And then your friend becomes important. And then you're watering that plant. And it'll change.

Like, you can change. In a sense, I don't, I think you're, you've got all the right pieces already. They just need to be, like, moved around a little bit. Yeah, just a little bit. Yeah. I think in a lot of ways, I think sometimes I, I kind of, like, interacted deliberately, almost. Or at least knowingly, with, like, fire. You'd be like, wow, I can't believe this is hot.

That is crazy. and I know it's a fire to begin with, right? And if I just am just better at just choosing a little bit better and giving maybe more chances and taking less like deliberate risks, maybe you have one or two results will, it goes a long way sometimes. I realize that now. It doesn't take much for things to flip.

It doesn't. Sometimes it's just one is good enough. I didn't believe it at first, though. It's kind of hard to believe it when, You're so stuck on one idea, you know? Yeah. Like dissonance. Yeah.

And I think you've shared with us that you're good at looking back and finding the bright points. And I think you were just in such a dark headspace where the bright points weren't visible or genuinely weren't there because you kind of got, you know, kind of got fucked, bro. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think processing all these things is sometimes. difficult because you always have the reminder like, oh, I mean, I could also, I could have also done better.

I could have done better. And it's like, it sucks a little bit in hindsight that you could have been better, right? And things kind of got bad regardless. I don't know. It's just something that annoys me about it, right? Because, yeah, it sucks. Yeah, there's some weird stuff, Felix, which I don't think we're ready for, but I don't think you could have done better.

I know it's weird, but I think that one of the lessons I've learned in life is that like we, I mean, there's even the neuroscience and stuff. There's this part of our brain that does something called counterfactual thinking, which goes back and replays things in the past in a non-factual way. So these are the facts of what happened. And then your mind replays things in a hypothetical. And that's one way that we learn from our mistakes. If we didn't have that capacity, we wouldn't be able to like hypothesize why we lost

a particular game, right? Yeah, I think I'm stuck in that world almost like all the time, like all day. Yeah, the crazy thing is that even though the mind does that, it is literally impossible to do better than you did back then. Yeah. Right? Because you only knew what you did. You can only do the best that you could have done.

You're right. And so like then the question becomes, what do you truly control? You only control the present. So don't do, don't think about how you could have done better because you couldn't have done better. But the next time that you want to retreat from a relationship, that's your test. Okay. Yeah, that's insightful. Other questions?

No, that was really good. That made it a lot sense, yeah. I think a lot of, like, the other topics or other things, they kind of, like, fall into the same boxes. Because I think that was, like, an umbrella solution for, like, a pattern of behavior. And the other thing doesn't matter what the specifics or the semantics are. I think that kind of encloses it. I think that's a lot yeah

yeah I was like just overall kind of like moving on from stuff you know sometimes kind of but I think that also what we said kind of helps

also having like new things and seeing it differently and I think that plays the same role yeah as I'm wrong about it no I think you're right so I think that there was a theme for today that I was hearing

and I think the theme is actually the way that you go through life that's why it all relates, right? This is you. Yeah. And I have no doubt that if you engage in future conversations with people in a meaningful or intentional way, you'll discover other things. But one thing I have to tell you, unfortunately, is that the insight is not sufficient. It's necessary, but the next part is like doing the work.

Yeah. Yeah, which is what a lot of times I've like turned back on, right? because it's easier to say, it was over anyway, or it was too hard, or find an excuse, you look over where you're going to find one, right? Right.

And then you turn back. You got to catch that thought. Yeah. So tomorrow... Yeah, go ahead. Oh, I was just going to say, in snowboarding, something that we do a lot,

or maybe just me, I did. When you go to the big, big jumps that are massive, once you're committed, you're committed, right? and a lot of times I was too afraid to take them because they're so they're so big big jumps you know and then I would just kind of I would just send it forward towards it right and then at one point I almost forced myself I was like I'm going a straight line right and I started going on the up ramp right I'm like well I can't turn back now right but I put myself in that position right where I can't turn back anymore. Because sometimes if I have the option of turning back, I will turn back. Right. And

whether I process that, and I think I do better is when I kind of lock myself into it and be engaged. I think that builds a better pattern of doing better. So this is what's hard, is that I'm with you. So I think it's the same thing about creating chaos and kind of thriving in chaos. Because once the cat is out of the bag, it's time for XQC to step into the arena and you can trust yourself to come out on top. I'm with you. The reason this is hard is because you're never committed. The reason this is hard is because on a daily basis, you have a chance to turn around. And that's why you haven't figured it out.

Because thus far, you've required commitment to see things through. You're actually not in control. You put yourself in a situation where you lose control. Oh my God. Yeah, that makes sense, actually. That's why this is hard for you. Because this is the opposite of snowboarding. Yeah.

There's no critical point. Yeah. That's right. Okay. That's a good takeaway. Yeah. That was all good. Yeah.

By the way, I didn't want to come here with like this like, like, um, super like sad boy vibes. I just didn't sleep that much. I, I, yeah. I'm just, I'm just saying. I didn't want to seem like I was like just coming here and being all like, uh, yeah. I got working about like seven. in the morning.

But yeah, I don't want to seem like I was disinterested in what you're saying if you've ever felt that today or anything. I was very engaged in, but yeah. Yeah, I didn't get that vibe from you. And I'm also happy to have whoever shows up today. If you're tired, if you're disengaged, like, that's okay. Right. Yeah, I think, I thought there was going to be some, like, voodoo solution to a lot of these things and processes or whatever. were come up with in some like there was this Indian book in 1994 and instead to do this and

that right and I thought you were going to pull some shit like that but it was actually quite simple and sometimes that's kind of the best solutions are the simple ones yeah yeah good well well I hope I wasn't too short today I or whatever it was no man this is perfect all right well um I think we should do a check-in soon see what happens okay sure you want to do a check-in soon not. Yeah, I mean, I don't know exactly what you're asking, but I mean, a chicken, like in a couple, maybe weeks or a couple months, whatever. If I achieve any sort of progress in those directions, I'll give you a heads up. Okay, sure. Or Deepa, or DeVal, or it got bad. Sure. You got way worse, right? And it rains inside as well, like it starts

raining it for it. You pulled a wall down and the roof fell over and now it's raining on the inside of your house. Yeah, I hear that. Yeah. I don't know. I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'm not there at all, though. Like, I'm not, I'm not like the giving up type. But sometimes, like, I'll kind of, like, play it off like I'm giving up. I mean, sometimes I like the attention, but it's not like that. Like, yeah. Yeah.

So, so let's sort out follow-ups later. But I think for now, you know, thanks for coming on. And hopefully, you know, this was helpful to you. And I think, by the way, a lot of what you're struggling with, I think is very common. I mean, that's, that's why we have the, I have the insight that I do because I've lived half of it myself. I was a year younger. I was the class clown, you know, learned how to be self-reliant and then, like, had to go to India to learn how to surrender. And it's, like, hard to learn. It's, it runs against, I mean, you've built your whole life to avoid surrender.

Yeah. So, yeah. And that's, you know, it's okay. Yeah. Good luck to you, my friend. Thank you for everything. Not okay. Yeah. I'll talk about. Yeah. Thanks for everything. I will talk to you soon. Okay. Take care. I hope it was good. Well, by the way, was, did you have a good time at the streamies and whatever? what? Yes and no. I don't think it's my... It's not like a party either. Yeah, I think it was so I was very happy to be nominated, obviously. I think it was like, it's like a bucket list

kind of thing that I went to like an LA fancy thing. Just have your name somewhere out there as in on your own stream. Sometimes it can't. Yeah, I mean that's good. I feel honored. But but I also think it's cool to like I went to like an LA fancy party. Oh, okay. You know, that's the first time in my life that I've done that. Okay. I thought that was really cool. But I really didn't, I'm not going to go too much into it,

but I think it's a world that I'm not. I'm not familiar with it either. I think it's a little, I think it's a little like, it's a lot of fronts and it's a lot of, it's a lot of fluff that, personally, I don't enjoy it, right? I go for the after parties, okay?

I go to get fucked up. That's how it is. Otherwise, I wouldn't go. But, yeah, I enjoy seeing you there, though. It was fun. Yeah, likewise. Take care, man.