HealthyGamerGG - Dr. K is Anxious and Overwhelmed

Episode Date: August 13, 2022

Dr. K roleplays as a coaching client that is anxious and overwhelmed, talking about uncertainty, problems you can interact with immediately, curiosity, and more! Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The first step to kind of getting to this point with your partner is kind of having like, honestly, a little more of a meta conversation about it where you're not even really going to talk about the kids issue. You're going to talk about, hey, what's the like meta when we talk about kids? Hey, what brings you into coaching? Let me remember for a second. I lost my job during the pandemic. You know, I, I'm in. engaged to be married. And I'm not so sure about that anymore. I can go into more detail if you want.

I think I just don't know, you know, it felt like my life was going pretty well, but like now I was doing all the things that I'm supposed to do. But like now I'm just not really sure about stuff. And so I've seen a lot of stuff, you know, a lot of the, you know, a lot of the, the videos on YouTube and stuff. Like I found the program through YouTube, a lot of that stuff I think really helped me and I kind of need help. I saw a therapist.

They diagnosed me with something and I got started on medication. And I think that the medication is like helping some, but it's not like, I don't know, it's just not doing, you know, it doesn't change the world, right? So it's like helping me cope some and things like that. But like at the end of the day, you know, are, I don't know.

Like I recently, we bought a house, my fiance and I, and like we're in a part of the world where actually like the climate seems to be changing quite a bit. So our power bills are very, very high this year. I'm not sure if I actually like want to live here, but like we've moved here now. I'm not really sure, like, once again, like, I was looking for, you know, things in my industry, but I'm not really kind of sure because I lost this job. And people say it's kind of pandemic related, but I haven't really been able to find a new one yet. And like, should I move? Should I not move?

Like, I just don't know, you know, I'm kind of, like, scared about, like, I feel like I used to know, like things were kind of laid out, right? Like, you do A and then you do B and then you do C. But now I'm just not sure. Like, I don't know what the right answer is. is. It sounds like there's kind of a lot of things that got tossed up in the air all at once. Yeah, it certainly feels that way. It just, it's like one thing after another after another.

It felt like, you know, a house of cards coming, tumbling me down. Yeah. Before we get into any of this, the first thing I actually want to say is, like, that's a lot, man. Yeah, absolutely. You doing okay? I mean, honestly, not really. Right? I mean, would I be here if I was doing okay?

I don't make assumptions, but... So, you say you're not doing okay. What does that feel like to you? Not good. Is there anything in particular that comes up? Any emotions, any feelings, any ideas? I mean, it's just like not knowing what's coming next. Kind of that uncertainty factor.

Yeah, like, I don't know if like, did I make a mistake buying this house? Am I in the wrong relationship? Like, I'm kind of questioning that. Like, should I move to, like, stay in this industry or should I try to make a career change? Is this kind of thing where it's like, okay, now that the pandemic is kind of wrapping up, like, I'll be able to find a job again. Like, I just don't know, you know, I don't know what the right answer is.

Sure. So, honestly, I don't know that there is a right answer with all of these things in life. Like, we make choices. but like no one can predict the future. No one really knows what's going to happen. So you kind of just, you do what you can't. I was kind of hoping you could tell me the right answer. Oh, I promise I'll never lie to you.

Okay. One thing, one thing I do want to do is reflect some of this back because I just wanted to give you the rundown of all the things you just kind of rattled off. So you said, you lost your job. You're engaged, but part of that's feeling. really uncertain now. You saw a therapist and got diagnosed with a thing, bought a house, and now you're not sure you want to live there, and climate change is changing a lot of stuff about where you are. And you're also a little bit unsure about your career and prospects moving

forward there. Yeah, I mean, when you say that back to me, it seems like I'm kind of fucked. I wouldn't say you're fucked, I'd say that's a lot. I'm one of the difficult things about when stuff like this happens in life is we feel like we have to solve all. all these problems right now today. And the legitimate answer is you can't. You can't solve it all at once. There's actually this great clip I share with a lot of my clients. And out of game, this is where I would normally share a clip.

From Dr. K's stream, where he talks about this idea of don't go past three. You focus on one thing at a time. And if you can fix that, that's great. Or you can focus on two or you can focus on three, but you can't go past three. There's too many things. You don't have enough energy to actually handle all of them.

And if we think about, like, you have a manipool or motivation or energy or however we want to, like, relate this thing, if you can divide it between two or three things, you've got a lot more resource to work with. If you're dividing it between six or seven different things and all of them are uncertain, it's going to feel really overwhelming, man.

Yeah. Okay. So assume you shared that clip. Yeah. You explain it beautifully, by the way. Thank you. Before we go back into character. Okay, so you've shared the clip.

Okay, so yeah, I don't know. I mean, it definitely does feel overwhelming. Like, where do you think I should start? So I can't tell you where to start. I think whatever of these topics, the ones that you've mentioned, the ones that I've relayed back to you, stands out to you as the most important. What resonates with you the most is a great place to just start thinking. not even taking actions yet, just thinking.

Well, I mean, the thing that's like weighing me down the most is like, do I actually get married or not? Because like that wedding is coming up. It's four months away. So we're going to get married around Thanksgiving. And I'm having second thoughts. Are your second thoughts specific to something or just kind of generalized? Well, I mean, I'm absolutely, in a lot of ways, I know that this is the person for me. like there's not anything in a sense wrong in our relationship,

but we had talked about having kids, and I used to be on board with having kids. But honestly, with everything that's going on, like, I don't feel comfortable bringing children, like, into this world. And so I know my partner really wants kids. I want them too. I just kind of feel like it's irresponsible, and it's caused, like, we've been kind of like,

I guess talking about it is what we call it, but really it's an argument. We've been arguing about it because my partner is trying to convince me that we should have kids, and I just don't think that's a good idea. And so they're also sort of saying like, okay, even if you don't want to do it now, like we're not, you know, we weren't talking about having them soon anyway. But like they're, you know, they're sort of saying like, okay, it's like if now isn't the right time, like that's okay. like we can do it later, whereas, like, I don't think they get it that I'm not sure if I ever want to have kids.

And so what's sort of happening is they're kind of saying, like, it's okay, it's okay, like you'll come around, you'll come around. But like, I don't think they're really getting it that I'm not sure that this is ever a good idea. And this is a new feeling for you? Kind of, yeah. I mean, because we talked about it before, you know, but like now that things are kind of becoming a little bit more real and it's like, you know, like financially, like we're not in the best place. My partner has, thankfully, has had their job for a while.

Like, you know, they're stable and stuff like that. You know, I've been kind of struggling there. And like, I know things they'll turn around, but, you know, they just, you know, but what if they don't? Scary question. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what to do.

You know, what if they don't? Like, what am I supposed to do? Like, you know, should I move? should I not move? Like, you know, I don't know, I don't know what the right answer is. Yeah. So again, I'm not sure that there is a right answer. And I'm not going to tell you, like, I'm never going to get to the point where I tell you like, oh, you need to split from your partner or you definitely need to marry your partner. Like, we don't give advice like that here. What we can do is we can talk it out and more explore, like, where you are with it and what

you would or wouldn't be comfortable moving forward with. Yeah. I was just to say, so in this case, it sounds like there's a lot of those what-ifs, not even specific to the partner. I mean, obviously that is a big one. What if partner? What if about kids? But it kind of sounds like everything in your life was like very recently called

into question. Yeah, I mean, I feel like honestly, like I feel like my life is kind of falling apart. And it used to be so together. And like, I don't know what happened, but just one thing after the next after the next, after the next. It's really hard, man. Sorry, I made the stick of looking at chat. All the chat.

I shouldn't look at it either, but it's just too good. All right. So, yeah, that sounds really, really hard. Yeah, so, I mean, what, is that something you can help me with? Yeah, I think we can definitely help with that. So the what-ifs are really, really difficult. Because when we get into that kind of mindset, our brain's natural mechanism is to look for threats.

It's kind of where like our lizard monkey brain takes over and it's like what's going to hurt me. A way I usually describe this to people, it's like our brains are designed to look for what's not there. It's not designed to look for what we have. If you have all the food in the world, your brain doesn't think about food. Your brain thinks where's the fresh water? That's how we're designed. So now we have to kind of figure out within what's going to. on with you, you're looking around and you're seeing all of these potential threats.

And there are things that are in your life that are not too bad, but there are also things that are potential threats in the future. And it's really hard to look at anything else when you see those things that could potentially hurt you. Well, I mean, yeah, I mean, like, but I mean, the threats are real, right? Like, climate change is real. Yeah. You know, like, you know, I've been collecting unemployment for like, months. So I'm kind of confused, like, are you saying that I shouldn't be worried about that? Or? In this case, it's not that like you shouldn't be worried about it. It's more of a question of, like, what's the problem right now that you can actually interact with?

Well, I mean, right now the problem I need to interact was I need to figure out if I'm going to call off this wedding or not. Yeah. So climate change exists. Climate change is real. Climate change is not a thing that you can solve or interact with today. So it's not that I'm saying like don't like think about it or don't worry about it, but if we're going to like look at things to focus on and work on, we want to deal with what's here and now, which in this case is your relationship and your partner, your wedding, kids, all those ideas. I mean, not technically kids, but the decision about whether or not you want to have kids. But climate change is much more of a distant issue that you can worry about eventually or you can like go and be an advocate for if that's something

you're really passionate about. But how do I how do I decide whether like I should delay the wedding or like how do I what do I do about that? Sure. So I think with things like this communication is going to be a huge deal and what sounds like is happening between you and your partner, obviously I've never been there. I've never seen the two of you talk to each other but what sounds like it's happening is you're kind of on opposite sides of this issue. Yeah. And then when you meet to talk about it, you don't really talk about where the other person is. You just talk about where you are. I don't quite follow you. Can you explain that a little bit? Sure. So when you get to this conversation with your partner, you're in the place of, I'm not sure I want to bring kids in this world.

I don't know about this, all those kinds of things. And your partner's in the position of, oh, you're going to come around. You still want kids. It's fine. Well, yeah, I mean, kind of. So a lot of times what's missing in conversations like this is curiosity. So being curious about the other person and having the other person being curious about you is what's going to help that conversation move forward instead of turning into an argument. But I can't make her curious. No, you can't. So you can talk to your partner about, hey, when we have these conversations,

it's really hard for me because of whatever the thing. that happens is. That sounds good, but I'm not quite sure how to do that. Okay. Can you tell me what you mean by that a little bit? Sure. So the first step to kind of getting to this point with your partner is kind of having like honestly a little more of a meta conversation about it where you're not even

really going to talk about the kids issue. You're going to talk about, hey, what's the like meta when we talk about kids? Right. this is the pattern I've seen where like we don't really talk about it it actually turns into an argument and then I don't want to assume things about you because we just met but saying something like hey when you tell me that oh I will want kids in the future or whatever that might make me feel bad or invalidated or upset or ignored or whatever the thing is right so it's up to you to decide and kind of think about how you feel when your partner says those things But before you have the conversation about kids, you want to kind of have the meta conversation about how are we communicating. Okay. So kind of just point out to her that, you know, we're not communicating well.

Yeah. And maybe try to figure out, like, can you help me like almost with some, like, how do you, how do you say that? I mean, when you're explaining it to me, it makes sense. But I feel like if I try to say that, like, she's, going to feel like I'm accusing her of not being a good communicator. You know, like sometimes I feel like that could kind of spiral out of control pretty easily. Sure. Like.

So do you want to practice by talking to me like I'm her? I mean, I don't even know what to, that sounds like a good idea, but like I wouldn't even know where to start. Okay. So you can start with saying, hey, I want to have a conversation about like our communication or whatever the way you want to phrase it is. And just seeing what the response is there. Okay.

Okay. Do you want to try that one on or do you want me to keep going? Yeah, let's try that. So, like, hey, I want to have a conversation about how we're communicating. Okay. Yeah, we can talk after dinner. But then what do I say? Okay.

So after dinner comes around? So you wanted to talk about our communication, like, what's going on? I feel like we're not seeing eye to eye about this whole kid's issue. Yeah, I mean, we were in the same place and now we're not, but you'll come around. Well, I mean, but I don't know that I want to come around. Okay, so this, we're going to back out of the meta-conversation. So when the conversation goes this way, you really want to state, hey, this is what I want to talk about today, not the kid thing. Oh, I see what you mean.

So you kind of have to steer the ship a little. Okay. Okay. So like don't focus on the communication, not get into the kid thing. Exactly. Let's pause. Sure. Okay.

Fantastic job. Sidekick. How was that for you? It was good. Honestly, I really wanted to get into some other stuff. But then we kind of just like headed down the partner path and like that's where we are. What did you want to get into? So I really wanted to get more into like the overall like, hey, your life is enough.

evil so you're going to question everything idea. Okay. Which might be related to the kids thing. I might not. Obviously, I don't know the client well enough yet. And then the other thing, especially with things like mental health is obviously a big one where if I'm being honest with myself, I intentionally avoided talking about control because we kind of did it with the left. Yeah, good. I'm glad.

But like control is a big part of this too. And understanding like when that sense of control gets. it's like thrown off, especially when it's like, hey, you have control of nothing in life, not your marriage, not your house, not the climate, not even your mental health. It's a lot, man. So like, I really would have loved to go into control again. Shocking, sidekick. Are you saying that sometimes there are common themes between clients?

Oh, extremely common. So like should statements or circles of control or whichever other iteration I get into, I've probably given to 80% of my clients. Cool. So was that, have you worked with clients? like this before, whose life feels like they're kind of, you know, it's kind of falling apart? Yeah. And usually it kind of goes like this, actually, where we'll start with one small thing that they're willing to like start taking actions on again. And we kind of use that as an example.

Like it doesn't actually matter if that conversation goes well or not, if they have it with their spouse or not. What matters is we start talking about what actions can you take. And again, it's more of a reframing, getting that focus back on, like, what can you do as opposed to, hey, everything sucks and you can't do anything about it. That's beautifully said. So I just want to highlight this. So for people who are listening, we have this really interesting pattern and coaching where clients will come in and they'll be like, I'm stuck, I'm stuck, I'm stuck. And then suddenly like week six rolls around, week seven rolls around and they start doing stuff. And what tends to happen is I think kind of like Sidekick is doing, you know, if you listen to this client,

they're kind of coming in and saying, I don't know what to do because things are so uncertain. So by focusing on one thing and almost like directing their attention to something very, very minute, okay, let's go into the specifics of having a conversation. And then let's say I do that roleplay. I mean, let's say we role play the conversation. I go and I have the conversation. The subtle thing that you're actually doing there, which I think is really important, is that even if the conversation goes well or doesn't go well, what you've actually showed me and demonstrated,

is that I can still do something about it. So like it almost shifts the attention from, okay, I've got these 15 different things and I don't even know where to start. I don't know what the right answer is. And you did this really, really well where you didn't like tell me like, okay, if you say this thing, it'll fix everything.

Yeah. Right? But you still got me thinking about, okay, like I'm actually going to do this tonight with my partner and we're going to have a conversation about it. And so even though I may think in that, moment that, okay, this may not work. It's not about it not working. It's about getting the client to start acting. And if the client keeps acting, keeps trying, keeps having those conversations,

like suddenly they've had one conversation, that'll turn into two conversations. I'm sure you'll do that around work-related stuff. You'll do that around climate-related stuff, whatever. Right. And so it's about getting the client to start moving forward, maybe having a conversation with their provider about, you know, if they're unsatisfied with treatment. One thing that- One of the things I talk about with almost all my clients in like session one or two when we start doing goals is I'm always going to ask you how it went. And I don't care if it failed miserably or if you totally forgot or if you thought about it and then didn't want to do it. I'm always going to ask you how it went. And that's not coming from a place of judgment.

It's because like if you got it done, great, let's talk about it. If it failed miserably, great, let's talk about it. If it didn't happen, great. Let's talk about what got in the way. And it always gives you a place to go. And yeah, so tell me a little bit about the advantage of great, because that's kind of foreign, right? Like, even if it went miserable, like your response as a coach is the same. Great.

What you do afterward is different. So what does that do for the client when, if they succeeded, great. If they didn't do it at all, great. And if they failed miserably, great. What does that do for your clients? So I think what it does is it removes a lot of that expectation, right? Kind of going back to what we talked about with the first client where there's like, oh, we're going to make a goal.

And if you don't do it, you're a bad client. Right. Or if you don't do it, then it means you're not actually trying on your mental health. And now you're like ashamed of yourself or think like, why am I even coming to coaching? Or it leads to a lot of negative places. So one of the things I try to do is like be that positive non-judgmental force in their life. Like, hey, it doesn't matter. If you show up like five minutes late and you're super hectic and you're very apologetic,

It's okay, I'm not judging you. If you show up and you're like, hey, I didn't do the goal, I totally forgot about it. It just slipped my mind. I'm not going to be like, damn, this dude doesn't actually care about coaching. I'm going to be like, okay, cool. Do you want to try that goal again this week? Or do you want to move on to something else? We'll ask about, like, well, what got in the way?

Did you get super busy, but like you still want to do this goal? Or are you just not feeling this goal? And like, let's talk about how we can do it differently.