HealthyGamerGG - E2 Lovemaxxing w/ Dr. K | Why You Freeze Up When You Talk to Women

Episode Date: June 27, 2026

In the second episode of the "Lovemaxxing" series, Dr. K sits down with Brian, a professional actor and competitive medieval combat knight. Despite performing in front of crowds and literally fighting in titanium armor, Brian completely freezes up when it comes to breaking the ice with women. Dr. K breaks down the neuroscience of the "freeze" response, the psychological trap of playing a character to avoid rejection, and how to rewrite the brain's autonomic reactions. What to expect in this episode: The Freeze Response: Understanding why the autonomic nervous system is wired to "play dead" during social approaches and how this sudden lock-up is triggered by an adrenaline spike rather than just psychological anxiety. Autonomic Retraining: Why Dr. K recommends practices like Yoga or Tai Chi to literally rewire the nervous system and prevent the "freeze" response from hijacking the brain. Hyper-Vigilance and Mind Reading: A look at how the same skills that make someone a great actor can create a "negativity bias" in dating, causing them to constantly scan for bad micro-expressions and assume the worst about what others are thinking. Wanting vs. Liking: A deep dive into the neuroscience of dating apps, explaining why the dopamine circuit (what people want or demand on a profile) is entirely different from the hedonic circuit (what people actually like and enjoy in person). The Character Trap: The danger of using a cheerful "acting" persona as a defense mechanism to get people to like you, and why being terrified of revealing your true, flawed self prevents genuine emotional connection. Breaking the Autopilot: Practical advice on how to dissolve automatic anxiety spirals simply by "catching" yourself mind-reading in real-time, because neurological autopilot cannot function when you bring active awareness to it. The Fear of the Unknown: Exploring how the fear of not knowing what someone might judge you for is often more paralyzing than facing a specific, known criticism. Dr. K's NEW Guide to Love, Sex, & Relationships is here! Order now: https://bit.ly/4dO3x0VHG Coaching : https://bit.ly/46bIkdo Dr. K's Guide to Mental Health: https://bit.ly/44z3SztHG Memberships : https://bit.ly/3TNoMVf Products & Services : https://bit.ly/44kz7x0 HealthyGamer.GG: https://bit.ly/3ZOopgQ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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I think it's more of, I don't know what people are. going to see. And so you notice like, oh, this is a shift. Like she's not even making eye contact. She's like turning away. She's like trying very hard to not engage with you at all. Yeah. She's the first person that I've ever been real with in a lot of ways and like seeing a lot of who I really was. Welcome to Love Maxing with Dr. Kay, the show where we talk to real people about their real dating struggles. I'm Dr. Kay, a Harvard train psychiatrist. And today we're going to meet Brian. Brian is as much of a night as you can be in the world today. He believes in chivalry, competes in melee combat, and also performs on stage. And Brian checks all the boxes that we normally think of that lead to success in

dating. He's six foot four, is passionate about his career, and is a good-looking dude. So you'd think that he hasn't made. But despite being charismatic on stage, he freezes up every time he talks to women. That ice-breaking moment is the most difficult. I will freeze. I will freeze in my shoes, will close completely up. We spend the first part of the interview getting to know Brian and understanding how he thinks, and then things take a turn. I get a sense of random awfulness that pops up that you can sort of do nothing about. And the other 13 days you can kind of manage, but every once in a while, this thing inside you

comes up. And we learn from Brian that freezing up when you talk to girls is the first thread to a bigger not that complicates your life. So sometimes, like in my job, I get a sense of something. I'm surprised by the emotion I'm feeling right now, but I just got this very clear image of like you standing in armor, like facing down or dragon that's like really scary.

It's potentially lethal. This is one of the coolest interviews that I've done. And if you all want more information on dating, check out Dr. Kay's Guide to Love, Sex, and Relationships. So let's jump into the interview. Thank you so much for coming today. Oh, pleasure. So first tell me, so you've got something cool around your neck.

What's that? It's a little shield necklace. I like to embody like the knighthood and the kind of stuff. And so like the shield is like very much kind of like a symbol that I like to try to represent. I've worn it around my neck for probably like the last two years. Wow. This is a newer one that my sister got me for Christmas. I have an older one that sits in my bag.

But it's like protection, feeling sick. like making people around me feel safe. It's the shield over the sword kind of mentality. But it's very important. It's a symbol I try to keep on me at all times. Okay. What is that? That's fascinating.

Can I ask about that? Yeah, please. What do you mean by embody the knighthood? Well, as a historian, the idea of like chivalry and stuff. I mean, as a kid, I always wanted to be a knight. Okay. Unfortunately, history nights weren't always the best people. But I think our modern interpretation of them is probably more of idealistic, courtesy and honor and bravery and sacrifice and kind of all these great values I think are awesome and great to hold.

And so that's kind of like the person I want to be and kind of hold those values. Cool. And you said that when you were a kid, you wanted to be a knight? Oh, yeah, all the time. Can you tell me about that? Yeah. Like I've I think I don't know

I was always fascinated with history as a kid Okay And kind of those strong figures Like I remember like wearing I think they were like a KFC bucket That I like cut the Nice dude The night helmet out of

And a trash can shield and stick And reenacting those moments in the backyard As a kid Like with my brother It was never about like saving the princess I think it was more of the male fantasy of like sacrificing yourself at the gate holding the enemy kind of mentality um but and i mean it was just it was play as a kid um were you ever a larper uh i in another world absolutely um i think i would

have been too embarrassed to be in a park like that um i love i love fantasy and role play like huge into d and d um and kind of that element um but i i was too self-conscious it wasn't until probably when I became an actor and started exploring that realm of myself that I like fell into like the Renaissance Fair and was able to play that character and more an environment where it was expected rather than at the local park. When it was expected, you said? Yeah. Like kind of in an environment where it wouldn't be unusual.

Okay. For it. And do you find that when you're at Renfair, so can you tell me a little bit like how How does that work? Like, how do you mean? Like, like, what is your, what is your, what does your year look like? Like, do you travel around and stuff? It changed.

Oh, so, primarily for, like, the Renaissance stuff, it's, I do stuff here in Texas. Okay. Primarily with the Texas Renaissance Festival. Okay. I've been a performer there. I've worked on their pub crawl. And right now I work with a company called Full Steel Combat and a couple other teams here. But it's more on the regards of, like,

U-Hurt, which is medieval combat sport. We dress in armor and we beat the hell out of each other. Yeah. That I do full-time. So, like, that includes the Texas Renaissance Festival. We go to tournaments. So, like, IMCF, the International Medieval Combat Tournament or Federation. Like, I was in Ireland a year ago.

They're going to Denmark this year. We kind of go fight, like, for the United States. I was mercenary for Ukraine. So you actually fight on behalf of the United States in steel, like steel plate armor with shields and I assume blunted swords. Yeah. So all the armor is authentic.

I mean, for safety reasons, it's going to be like specific standards. Yeah. But typically it's handmade specifically to your body and your measurements. And then the weapons. Oh, wow. Yeah. So you have a suit of plate armor.

Oh, yeah. Do you want to see a photo? I don't know if. Not right now later. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, full suit of armor. It's typically either made of steel or titanium. Titanium.

Yeah, it's the lighter metal. Okay. People use it more for like tournament fighting, like point fighting. Like I fought, there's a federation called the AMMA, which is just MMA but an armor. And that you'll use more titanium just because you're not trying to like bludgeon somebody it's more getting the strikes and the points

so how does the scoring work um so in boo hurt on like team fighting typically it the goal is to get the other knights to the ground the idea is in historical combat typically if a knight hits the ground

that's where they're most vulnerable that's when someone's going to actually be able to hurt the person but so that's the goal is to get the individual of the ground and then and more tournament style stuff, there'd be point fighting. So it's like strikes. So if you hit the guy in the head, it's going to be two points.

If you get the high of the guy in the arm. And those are typically one v-ones where team fights are going to be more of get the guy to the ground. Do you have a ranking? Do they have rankings and stuff like I'm lower? I mean, not necessarily. There's not enough fighters in the community yet where I think they could, they have like weight classes. And then they have, we have people in the sport that are like gold medalists, bronze medalists, several of themists.

Like I've bronzed when I fought at IMCF 2025. I was fighting with the Ukrainian team. And we bronzed in our 5 and our 10, our 5v5s and our 12v. So you're actually like, I mean, you do things that, I mean, without the death. But I mean, as far as you can get to being a knight in today's world, like you're basically doing it.

Yeah. I like it because it plays the line between like historical and sport. And how did you, so it sounds like you had a KFC bucket on your head, trash can shield, and stick. Yeah. And then now you have a full suit of steel slash titanium armor. And you're a bronze medalist in an international competition.

How did you get from KFC bucket on the head to titanium armor? The Renaissance Fair was my intro to it. I was a performer there. I was a guard at one point. Batman for one of these seasons and I saw them doing it so but but like when you were in high school like what was your life like uh I mean totally different um my younger years I was um very closed off socially awkward um my like I had a problem talking to the barista because she made my coffee wrong um and it wasn't until probably like senior year I moved around a lot um like no longer than two years

one place. Why is that? My dad, not a military brat, but corporate brat is like what I like to say. If you want to move up the ladder in the corporate world, you've got to be willing to move.

And so I've lived all over. Texas, Washington, Georgia, California. What field was he in? He, I mean, he's been in a couple different fields. He worked for Cisco. And that's where we did primarily

a lot of our moving. But ultimately, leadership positions is kind of where he ended up and kind of overall big picture is how I would describe it. What was that like? I think it has its ups and its downs. I think I learned a lot. I learned a lot about culture and people and I was able to make friends pretty quickly, at least in the environments that allowed for it. And I got to learn to read people. I definitely think it affected my, like, I never grew up with best friends in one location. Like, I don't have that community, I think.

And I think that was probably a little detrimental. But I got to explore and I got to explore different people and different communities. And so I think I had a wider picture than most. So I'm a bit confused. So you said that you were socially awkward and had trouble telling the brista when you got your order wrong. Yeah. But then you also said that you made friends pretty quickly and you're good at reading people. So can you help me understand how those two things?

I say making friends quickly. I mean more like in the in like a social situation with like classes. Maybe I misspoke about the friends thing. But I found I found that going to a new school, it was very easy to find my people. My people is like two friends. but I latched on really quickly, I think. And it would typically be in like the like D&D club or kind of that atmosphere where it was easier to. So did you find yourself being like socially awkward there?

You felt pretty comfortable. I think comfortable. Yeah. I mean, especially warming up into it. I think I warmed up faster in those situations. But definitely like I wasn't, I wasn't popular or like had a lot of friends. My brother was that guy. Like, he made friends with everybody and was the popular kid.

And so. How do you understand that? In what regards. Like, how do you understand how he was the popular kid and you were not? I mean, friends. I mean, friends. And people knew him. People knew me because they knew him.

Okay. Because, like, oh, you're Skyler's brother kind of mentality. Okay. And, yeah. And so, like, and I guess, like, the idea would be like, he'd throw a party. everybody show up and I'd throw a party and my two best friends would come. Got it.

But it also sounds like you said that you haven't had like close friends for a long period of time. Yeah. I say, I mean, I feel like I can make a best friend in an area. I've had a lot of best friends. But when you leave, you know, that relationship kind of, I mean, the only way I keep up for the most part is like video games. So it sounds like you moved around a fair amount. And you said you studied theater? Yeah. I originally, when I graduated high school, I was recruited for basketball in California.

And while I was doing basketball, I was shadowing an oral surgeon. My plan was to go into oral surgery and go these routes. And then I took the class load of like chem and biology and physiology and anatomy and all the math. And then they told me they had to do it for the next eight years, then two years of additional school and then a four-year residency. and I was like before I even started seeing a dime. And so I panicked and cut myself off and went into history. And then we moved around a bunch. I was still in school. My family moved across the country.

I got incredibly depressed and made the decision to stop going to basketball and and stop that career or stop that path and then travel back to the other side and follow family because they were my support structure. and then there we moved to Texas. I was still dabbling in theater the whole time. And I did a 48-hour show here in Texas. What does that mean? So the show is written, directed, and produced all within 48 hours.

So it's like a quick written in the first 24 rehearsed, gotten through, and then shown at that night. Wow. So, like, very intense process. But I wrote, I wrote for one of them and then performed in another. And I had four different professors come up to me and tell me I needed to change my degree. And so I went and had that conversation with my parents. And luckily, I would have graduated at the same time.

That was kind of their big thing and that I had a plan with it. What did they see that made them think that you had to change your degree? It came naturally, I think, in a lot of different ways in the language and the understanding and the questioning. like one of the moments of just talking to the actors and kind of having that interaction and already understanding the flow of it maybe and I mean performance. How does it feel to perform?

I mean, I love it to death. I love the craft, especially like the development of a character, but that's usually like before the performance. And for a lot of places, it's an escape. I was very much the person who, when people were like, oh, it was so much fun performing with you on stage. I was like, I wasn't on stage. It was the character just because it's easier to tune out the world and focus on the

character's problem and situation and really be in a different world. So you really feel like somebody else? Like, that's not you. Yeah, I try to anyway. I try to, especially with the feeling and embodying that. Would you say you become somebody else? In moments, absolutely, especially at the peak of it. I definitely, I mean, it's harder to get there sometimes and other times it is.

I definitely have had moments where I've done things on stage where like I come out of it and I was like, oh, I was really in the moment. It wasn't me making those decisions, or at least it wasn't my outside life and my outside worries and problems. and experiences informing those decisions. It was the character that I had built and what they were going through that informed their decisions. Loneliness is in an all-time high. Sexlessness is in an all-time high.

Relationships are probably in the worst state they've ever been in the history of humanity. And that's why I made Dr. Kay's guide to love, sex, and relationships. Let's talk about who you should actually date. Falling in love is sometimes one of the biggest mistakes that you can make. You know, I started to do a lot of research

about how to have, like, really good. Visit healthy gamer.gamer.ggy slash guide to learn more. Good luck out there, motherfuckers. Y'all are going to need it. Would you say you, I mean, it's clear that you love this stuff. Would you say that you love being that person or how much of it is that you love being that person in that moment? And how much of it is that you don't want to be you? I think in my early stage performance,

thing. It was definitely the escape that I enjoyed. Now it's, I've fallen in love with the craft and the development of that person and that, in that character and those moments. And so that's where a lot of the joy is and a lot of the joy of seeing an audience react and feeling and feeding off an audience. I think I get way more enjoyment out of now. I was on tour for two and a half years performing. And so we would do like 12 to 32 shows in a week, depending. Oh, it was crazy. Our timelines were insane. 12 to 32 shows in a week? Yeah, 32 was the max that I've ever done. But we would do, so typically the schedule is Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, 12 shows Sunday.

How do you do 12? How long is a show? About an hour. They were 90-minute shows. So the schedule it would be like for a week for the Saturday it would be like 12, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10. Yeah, okay, so I've been to Renfest. Yeah. Okay, I got it. So just like, and typically it wouldn't be with Renfest. That was, I worked with a company called Midnight Creative.

And we put on like cocktail experience shows. Like one was called the Egg Girl and Post-Speaky Z. So very monologue based and like cocktail experience. So a lot of guest interaction and stuff. But we'd do those. And that was kind of. my earlier career. So I had two or three different questions.

Yeah. One is you mentioned you got depressed when you were, I think, in California and your family moved across the country. And then the other big question that I have is, you know, what's dating like? Yeah. Which one do you want to start with? Which one do you want to start with? Okay. I mean, let's start with the former.

Nice sigh. Strap in, boys and girls. The depression one. I've gotten a lot better at talking about it. I think I've always struggled with some forms of depression through my childhood, but I think it really came to the cliff's edge when I left my support system, my family and stuff. I left, I was five hours away for a five hour drive. And being that socially awkward kid and stuff, it was really when I had to like start to think.

about talking to people and like walking around campus and having those interactions. I, I didn't bond well with the other basketball players. And so, like, I grew up as a quote, unquote, gentleman. I like think my parents raised me right. And so, like, locker room talk. I was almost appalled by it. And so that there was a buffer there. I didn't relate in a lot of different ways.

And so, and I guess struggling to make those friends, I very much became the outcast. which I think added to it. Became the outcast means that you were just separated or were you, did you feel ostracized? Did they sort of? Probably a little bit of A, a little bit of B. I mean, I wasn't like invited to things. And if I was invited, it was out of like obligation.

Yeah. Because I was on the team. And I wasn't the best player. And so it's not, I didn't have like the skill asset part of it. I was probably on the lower end of players. Yeah. just because, I mean, I wasn't great. I was okay.

Like, I can still go play, pick up ball and be good. But compared to everybody else, you know, everybody was the top star of their team. But, yeah, I wouldn't say intentionally ostracized. I would just, I would say the effort wasn't put into that relationship. And also, I wasn't actively, I mean, I didn't feel accepted. and so I didn't go try to drive to be accepted, I guess. And you mentioned that when you were a kid, you had felt depressed?

What did that feel like? I say as a kid, probably more along. I mean, I was bullied as a kid. Like, I remember, like, crying behind the portables because, like, people wouldn't talk to me kind of thing and bullied in those environments. But I don't think it was, I think I still, I definitely had friends still.

It wasn't like I was completely alone. What did you get bullied for? See, that's the crazy thing. I have memories of being in like the principal's office because my parents, of course, would go to them and I couldn't say. It was probably, it was more of like, it wasn't like a specific thing.

It wasn't because I was tall or because I looked funny. It was more situational and like, and maybe in the guise of ostracization, I wasn't included or. I was always picked last kind of idea. But I definitely remember not feeling welcome. I definitely, there was, I have a memory of like a new girl showing up and she sat next to me.

And we became friends for like the first day. And then the next day she stopped talking to me. Like totally like wouldn't even look at me kind of. How do you understand that? I mean, as a kid, I don't think you can. How do you understand that now? I don't know. In my head, I go, people talk to her and said, that's the weird guy.

So she sort of figured out that you were a loser. Yeah. It's an awful way to put it. But yeah, I guess. How did it feel to hear that when I just said? I mean, it hurt a little bit. But, you know, that's the past. I mean, I'm not that same.

The kid's definitely still there, but I've definitely grown in tremendous ways. I think. Yeah. Socially, at least I'm now more capable and still see it. But, you know, it still hurts. Yeah. But yeah. And so you said that, I mean, so you remember, do you remember how old you were?

It was elementary. I don't know, whatever, maybe whatever fifth or fifth or fourth. Yeah. So you were like 10, 12 somewhere in there. Like so before puberty. Yeah. And so it seemed like you were. kind of saying that the depression was a little bit more prominent. Maybe when you were a teenager,

I thought I caught you almost saying that. My junior year I was sitting with my counselor and like, they didn't even mention college to me at that point. It wasn't until my senior year where like I had the epiphany of, oh, I need to like start doing things with my life. Like it was kind of too much. Like, oh, like people have been preparing for college for four years and you're kind of just like, you just realized, oh, wait, I'm supposed to be doing something? And I think the distractions were leaving. Like, I, I, The focus was no longer on school and getting good grades. It was like what's next and not knowing and having the rest of that come into it.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's very scary, right? When you sort of have that first realization of you're responsible for your future. Mm-hmm. I mean, it's still now today. Like, we're still worrying about the future. Are you worrying about the future? Oh, all the time.

What do you worry about? I mean career, like, is probably my biggest one right now. I mean, I'm an actor and a performer, but in this world, it's all about who you know or having those connections or being the best of the best. And I definitely am not the best of the best. And there are only so many jobs. Yeah, exactly. And there are only so many jobs to go around. Like, I've been on the job hunt for the, I got off tour and don't want to go back.

And so I've been job hunting for like the last two months. And so, and it's the jobs that are looking at me are always ones that aren't in my field. So then it falls back into my parents are upset that I went into performance and theater. And I say upset. They're just worried. And that kind of idea. And they, like, they've been trying to push me to go do. Get an MBA?

Yeah. Is that funny because it's true or because it's not true? I can't tell. Probably not true. You never know with corporate dads, you know? Yeah. Well, I mean, he's definitely had that talk where he's like, brought me in. It's like, I can get you a job with this company and da-da-da-da-da-y-da-da.

But I can't sit behind a desk. I'd be miserable. Like, I mean, especially with like sales. I've tried doing sales. I hate it. Miserable. What do you hate about it? Trying to convince somebody, I mean, a cold calling and a rejection, I think, is probably a big part of it.

I remember we were selling, like, masks during COVID at one point and, like, calling, like, hospitals and stuff and having them, like, hang up on me in, like, the first 30 seconds was definitely not a great feeling. So I noticed that you sometimes tell yourself things in your head about other people. Mm-hmm. Is that common for you? I mean, I feel like it's common for everybody. I think. It is. Yeah.

Yeah. I think trying to read people and engage how people are going. I mean, like, I had an interview where the interview was great all the way until the very end, and it felt like he was rushing me out. Like, I could see a shift in, like, body language and facial expression and kicked me out of the door really quickly, which wasn't true. You know, I got a call later about the job. But at least... You didn't?

You think you were wrong about that? Yeah, I do. At least, and maybe it was something where he was just trying to get me out the door so he can go into another interview or had something else to do. But I definitely felt or felt like I saw something. But the outcome that I expected from it was wrong. So I assume I was wrong about my interpretation. So it sounds like you're quite observant of other people. Yeah, I try to be.

You try to be. Yeah. I mean, going back to being like the quiet kid, I'm an observer, I'm a wallflower, I watch people. I like to imagine that I'm good at reading people, but, I mean... When you say you like to imagine that you're good at reading people, why would you not be? I mean, exposure, like experience in those moments.

I feel like in order, I mean, and everybody, different. I'm questioning, having me question myself and now I'm unsure. I mean, like, people. Yeah, I noticed it doesn't take much to get you to question yourself. Yeah. So I think this is the third time that you've said, like I, like I forget what the other two are, but I kind of asked, you know, help me connect the dots between being socially anxious and making friends. And then you were like, oh, maybe I'm wrong about that. Is that kind of, do you remember? Yeah, no, I do.

Yeah, so it was interesting because I didn't think you were wrong about that. I think that there's some way to connect. I think that that makes sense, actually, in a weird way. You know, even if it's, it's just, I feel like we're missing some piece of the puzzle in the middle of those two things. I was a bit surprised by how you responded because you were like, oh, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I don't make friends easily. Yeah. So, and that's not what I thought.

Mm-hmm. And I'm just noticing that you're doing that. Is it weird for me to call attention to it? No, I appreciate you calling attention to it. You also do this voice thing. What do you mean? Like this voice. Like you just change your voice.

I couldn't tell. Maybe that's just me. But it almost seems like you go into character for a second. Interesting. Yeah. Maybe that's just my perception. No, I mean, huh, maybe. Maybe.

Okay. I mean, it's funny you mentioned it. I know my dad is definitely. he calls me out on whenever I I put on a character to make friends as how he's described it but I think maybe it's mostly mostly like voice fluctuation I guess

yeah I think it is that that's exactly what it is and when you say he calls you okay this is going to be like kind of a silly question but how does it feel to be called out I mean I don't know if I can put a word to the feeling but definitely like it does a couple different things like there's probably like some aspects

of being like embarrassed by it and self-conscious over it but also like I'm doing it it's it's it I like to it makes me think about it like I clock it and go oh that's interesting and try to break it down

and try to understand why I'm noticing there's a lot going on inside. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, there's... Like you're running like, you know, you've got like several programs open. Yeah.

That's a great way. I always describe it. It's a train. And each, like, it's plowing through, it's like the Kool-Aid man going through different rooms. But each room is a different, like, thought process. And I can control where the train goes, but I can't stop the train or go back. And so it's like constantly.

analyzing and constantly moving. I'm confused by the analogy a little bit. I like your explanation. I'm confused by the Kool-Aid man because does that mean that you're- It's like crashing through. Yeah. So I got that energy of like busting down a brick wall and now we're in this room. Yeah.

And then we're going to plow into the next room. And so is each room like what your mind is focused on in that moment? And then you like shift to something else? Yeah, and I think it's the way I like to say the rooms, because all the rooms are still connected to each other. Okay. And so there still is a pathway. Like I can go back and like go, okay, this is the train of thought.

But it's definitely, it's still abrupt. There's still like an impact. I see what you should. So you kind of like lurch from like one thought process to another. And now you're thinking about this and now you're thinking about this. Yeah. And some rooms are different sizes and longer. Like I could be in a room for, again, this is an.

a weird analogy. But I think we just did it again. Did you just do it again? Where you were like, oh, you were looking at, did you just judge what you were saying? Maybe. Does that make sense? Yeah.

Like you're offering the analogy and then you judge the analogy and then you also change your facial expression a little bit. You're like, oh, this is weird. You kind of see what I mean? Yeah. Like it happens fast. Yeah. So you said that your dad calls you out on

becoming a character to get people to like you? When I greet somebody. You know, I've, if I like somebody, I try to, especially if I'm conscious of like, oh, I want this person to have a good impression of me, I will definitely like put on like an, oh my gosh, it's so good to see you kind of ideal. And it may not be genuine in those moments.

And it's, I definitely, I don't remember where I learned it, but like kind of the, when you see somebody, the first interaction is always important. And like, it's why we love dogs so much. Just because when you open the door, they're like, oh, my gosh, it's so good to see you. And so it'll make people feel better when you have that kind of reaction. And I definitely pitch my voice up and put on that. And I think he, when I do it to him because, you know, I haven't seen him in a minute.

And, you know, I still want him to like like me. I'll do it. And he calls me out in those moments. He's like, you don't feel that way. kind of this is not you. You're pitching your voice. Like he, like, like you said, he's like, I see the change. Because I'll go from, I'll, like, walk out of the room and see him and try to, like, brighten up and kind of have that reaction.

And how, what is that like for you when he notices that? I mean, I'm like, oh, you got me. I try to avoid it, I guess. It's interesting because I think that all. also is another act a little bit. Yeah. Like even that you got me. Yeah.

It's like how many layers did that have down to see how you go, you know? I'll just keep adding that. Yeah. And I was also just noticing for a second. You know, so I'm a psychiatrist. And so we get trained to think in certain ways. Yeah.

And I was like, oh, shit, man. Here I am older than you. Mm-hmm. And then, like, doing the same shit that your dad does. It's like, calling attention to, okay. So, so, hmm, Brian, thank you so much for coming here.

I don't know exactly where this is going. At some point I think we're going to talk about dating. Yeah, yeah. Well, maybe now's a good time, but I feel like we're, I feel, so sometimes like in my job, I get a sense of something. And I don't quite know what it is. It's almost like a black hole.

It's like a negative space where there's stuff moving around it. And I'm going to just start. free associating for a second. So, you know, I'm noticing that there's, first of all, a lot going on on the inside. And then there's also a very clear separation between what is going on in the inside and what is going on on the outside.

And I don't quite know how you feel about this. Another thought that just popped into my head, this is kind of a tangent, is just, I mean, it sounds like you, got to your job, your profession, like not easily, right? So you had to do a fair amount of soul searching, a fair amount of exploration, you got recognized for real talent,

and you love the craft of it. Like you've really found something that you genuinely enjoy. And you've tried to do things that you genuinely don't. And then I was just, it felt heavy listening to, you know, we talk about these journeys of like finding your passion. And you found your passion, But there's no job security. Yeah.

And that is awful. Like, and I know that that's not maybe that what we're supposed to talk about, but that was just something that I really, as I was listening to that, I was just thinking, man, it's got to suck. Yeah. But we can talk about dating. That's just kind of. Either or.

Yeah. I mean, and if you have any thoughts or comments about kind of that quick summary that I had, you can share them if you have anything that you want to add. Yeah. I mean, like, for the idea of it is like the passion and the craft and it being like an art form. I've, and I tell everybody who asks me, like my, especially my parents, they talk about, I'll never give it up. It's one of those things where even if I have to be a performer in the street or doing community theater, that's where I'll be. Just because I enjoy it and I enjoy the community so much.

And I, unfortunately, it's one of those things where it's like, damn, I would love this as a career. and love this as a passion and a pathway and being that. But sometimes, you know, you got to fall into the rat race and put your head down for a little bit to be able just to put food on the table and pay for a roof over your head kind of mentality. But I think not losing it, it was what my would be the biggest fear, right?

Like going into this world and living paycheck to paycheck and not being able to pursue that person. passion and everything, I think that would be the most depressing and catastrophic. But like, like I said, I'll die on the streets before I give up performance. Yeah, I mean, I was just to have a thought of like, you know, someone who's a salesperson is not chivalrous. Yeah. I mean, it sounds so counter to what you want to be in this world, like the way that you want to show up and just how grading that is. You know, it's almost like there's a certain sleaziness to it,

a certain like deceptiveness where you're not, it's not like an outright lie, but it's like let me pay attention to this person and try to force them into doing something. It seems so counter to the ideals that you appreciate what your real values are. And it was interesting because you were talking about, you know, I'll die or I'll be homeless before I give this up

and just how committed you are to that ideal. Yeah. I mean, commitment. It's just commitment. It's important. It's another one of those ideals. So let's talk about dating. Okay. Yeah, what's dating like for you? Gosh, where to begin. I didn't start until, I mean, I kind of dated around in high school. I dated maybe two people, but they weren't really dating.

And then, I mean, like, I didn't have my first kiss until I was like 21 and really started to develop in it. and I have for the longest time I dated and I would tell people that I never got into long-term relationships and I think there was a fear of it. My dad at one point I think saw me as this socially awkward nerdy kid and I think he saw that I had potential to bloom and he had a conversation with me at one point and he's like, hey, there are going to be people who are interested in you. don't lock yourself down while in college because like you're going to you'll find there'll be better opportunity kind of mentality he said wait wait two years I think is the word he used or the

timeline he gave me um but so probably until like the age of like 23 I whenever I was dating people I told them like I'm only dating you like I'm not like I'm not going to put a label on this kind a mentality. But those relationships were far and few between and I definitely didn't commit to a lot of them. And most of them were like we were in the same class and that's where like they came from. And there was never a lot of connection until probably 23 where I ended up in a two year long relationship with a good friend. And I mean, with a good friend. Yeah. I mean, we started off dating, but we became, I mean, I like to equate it. Like, her and I were like, I mean, I've took this idea of always being a character.

Like, I didn't think about it. She's the first person that I've ever been real with in a lot of ways. And, like, seeing a lot of who I really was. And so, like, that connection. And now it's something like after being, after this relationship, that is something that I, like, crave and still can. find. And just being in this dating world is like hell in a handbasket. I was on tour for a while, and so dating was difficult in that. And I've done dating apps. But those are like in their own way

degrading. It's you match with like 50 people and maybe get one date and there's a lot of rejection and like I've I don't know how many times I've deleted it and redownloaded them I've tried a bunch of different ones like hinge and Tinder and like ones that are more tailored to are supposed to be more tailored to like nerdy and like quiet people and just never I've put money into them like it's just one of those things where I don't think I've ever been successful in that environment um and I I think I I lean towards the dating app because it's a going back to kind of like it's expected like people are there looking for it and then people are it's that icebreaker it automatically breaks the ice or gets you into that introduction phase

because that's where I struggle in dating I'm like I said I'm a wallflower it's very very difficult for me to go to a public place and go make that connection this last year at the Renaissance Fair like it was it was a goal to like try to try to find somebody and try to date.

I'm my buddy who is the outgoing type, Mark Love him to Death. He was the one who would go break the ice for me and like go, hey, that guy. What was that like for you? I mean, it taught me a lot. I've had a lot of, for like the majority of my life, I never thought I was really attractive. It's definitely true. How do you think about that now? logically I can see that I'm definitely attractive

I don't know where on the scale but I definitely know like people look at me and go that's an attractive person I don't know like how it You said logically what else is there? Feeling it The confidence I don't have confidence I don't have confidence

I mean Do you feel attractive? Sometimes and when I'm in the arm I do. Ammerer, I feel great. Yeah. I think confidence in it. Like, I don't have confidence in my looks.

How do you feel about yourself? It depends on the day. Like, some days I feel great. Other days I don't want to get out of bed. That's got to be hard. I mean, yeah. But that's true. I think.

I mean, heart is so objective, I think. Is so objective? Maybe objective is the wrong word. You did it again. Yeah. See, I don't know. What is it? Like, is it like a, you say, is it just like a?

Well, I mean, here's what I heard and what I detected. So, like, we have the weather, right? And the weather changes. But, like, the bed that I sleep in doesn't change. The roof over my head doesn't change. My toilet doesn't change. The toilet paper doesn't change. So even though the weather changes every day,

I'm still relatively constant. And what I heard when you were talking about that, you know, depends on the day. It's such an actually powerful answer. Is that you change, right? So like it's kind of like the weather is inside you. And on some days it's like cloudy and stormy. And there's no protection against what's inside you.

that was sort of the vibe that I got from what you said trying to understand it. Does that map on or? Yeah, I mean, definitely in ways. I mean, like the weather, it's always changing. I think a lot of it derives in like feeling. Yeah. You say more about that?

Yeah, I mean, good days and bad days. Like, like I said, I've struggled depression for a while. It's one of those things where it like, some days getting out of bed is like the hardest thing and feeling defeated and like emotion like it's like a like a pit like emotionally drained or like not wanting to do anything and some days are better some days are worse

and there are definitely outside stimulus that like can affect it and change it it's very it's very as much as I don't want to say like I am bipolar is not the right word my surroundings affect me a lot I take things probably way harder than I should I

Like what? Getting rejected in a job interview Like that'll ruin my whole day I mean And it shouldn't? I feel like it shouldn't prevent you from doing things I think it can ruin your day but it shouldn't stop you from going and hanging out with your friends that day.

It shouldn't stop you from getting the work you needed to get done that day. Where do you get the idea of what it should and shouldn't do? People around me, I guess. People who are successful. My parents, my brother. I mean, and maybe it's just kind of this idealism. Like, this is what I would want. Like, I wish I could get out of bed.

and like achieve and like strive and like move to the next thing and constantly be successful, I guess, is the right word. And just get things done. That's my biggest thing. It's like, I don't know where I was going with that.

You have a tissue. Appreciate it, thank you. Weird how it creeps up on you, huh? Yeah. You know, Flo? Thank you. Yeah. Feel free to keep the box.

That's ominous. Get ready to get drained, bitch. No. You need a trash can too. It's just pile up everywhere. Yeah, so what we did just now, we're going to, we just came up for air, so I made a joke.

Yeah. Okay. And like that's okay. Like, so we got emotional for a bit. I don't quite know what was going on there. I'm glad that you shared that. I genuinely am. and like we broke it does that kind of make sense so i'm i'm gonna

um we may go back underwater and we may hang out there a little bit longer but as long as it's not in a submarine exploring the titanic will be okay yeah um it's not going to be controlled with an xbox controller um as we know what we're doing yeah so i you know i had a couple of thoughts not to sucker punch you or kick you while you're down but one was, I was noticing as you were talking how a knight is the opposite of that. You know, like a knight doesn't, when they get rejected, they don't not do anything for the rest of the day. Like, you know, sort of these ideals of being devoted to something. And I don't think you quite mentioned it back then, but I was sort of reading between the lines because I played a little bit of kingdom come deliverance and I like history.

and played some Warhammer. You know, there is a sense of sacrifice for something greater than yourself. But I think the interesting thing reading between the lines is that that sacrifice means you're doing something, right? You don't sacrifice for the sake of chivalry by sitting in bed for 12 hours a day. And I'm not sure if those two things are connected.

It's just kind of where my mind went. What was it that got emotional for you there? Do you know? I mean, I don't think I could like point a finger at something specific. I don't know if I can answer that right off the top. Yeah, that's okay. And do you feel embarrassed at being unable to answer that? A little bit, but not to the point where it's like devastated.

Yeah, I'm with you. So let me offer a couple things. So one is it's normal to not be able to answer that. Yeah. So if we look at how we function, there's like a pit down there, right? And actually, like, a lot of our life is about getting away from that pit. So we're actually not looking at it. We're not examining it.

I'm sure there have been times in your life where you've been in the middle of it. And it's, like, really overwhelming. I don't know if overwhelming is right word. Overpowering is maybe a word that I would use, right? Like you can get lost in it so easily. And so then what happens is as we try to move away from it, we don't have a good resolution of it. So it's blurry. And so it's completely normal to not know what's down there.

And maybe I suspect we'll figure out, we'll get some more resolution into it if you're okay with that. And the cool thing is the more we understand about it, actually the more power we get over it. So there's some really interesting neuroscience. You know, this is stuff that Freud sort of figured out a while ago. So Freud noticed that language gives us mastery over things and also language can sometimes be a substitute for action.

So that sounds kind of weird, but the simple way that I'd put it is there are people who talk about doing things and people who do things. Those aren't the same. And one of the things that, you know, the early psychoanalysts learned was that if I can get someone to like talk

about their failures, their triumphs in a really emotionally active way, that seems to fix the problem. So the example that I would use is sometimes I'll have patients who have lost a loved one without being able to say goodbye. And you want to do all these things with them. But the really interesting thing is you can still say goodbye without them being there. And simply saying goodbye for yourself, like going to their gravesite or whatever,

that can give you a fair amount of closure. And then there's another really simple neuroscience thing about something is unformed. You don't have the words for it because your brain has not understood it. and you can't put things into words until you understand it. Does that kind of make sense? Yeah, no. So as we learn more about it,

we'll maybe put language to it, and as you put language to it, like, it just gets better. Your power over it increases. In medicine, we say good diagnosis precedes good treatment. So if you really want to fix it, you got to figure out what's going on.

Right. So I had a couple of, I had like three or four questions for you. Maybe we can switch gears and we'll probably get back there. But so you said that, you know, this relationship you had when you were 23 felt real. Like there was a very like real connection. You could be, it sounds like you could be yourself instead of like pretending to be someone else,

which I wasn't sure if that I can attach that second part. Yeah. I wouldn't say pretending to be somebody else. I forget the name of the Japanese suburb or like where you have three masks. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like we're going to show everybody. When you show like close friends and family. one that you don't show anybody.

I definitely, I think I was just to be able, I mean like emotionally opening up to people and having that relationship and not being afraid of what they think and that kind of stuff and being able to share and vice versa to be able to take in and listen. It's just, I mean to be real, I think is the best way. And be intimate and not like in a physical way, but more just emotional in that relationship and that trust and that energy. What makes it hard for you to be real with other people? I mean, like ultimately judgment, I think.

I mean, I want to be liked by everybody. I think there's like a fear of not being acceptable, not being wanted, I think maybe it may be another one. Got a lot of language for this. Start throwing, give you a bunch of them. but like it's something that I've thought about a lot yeah I can tell like I said I can logically think about a lot of things

I've done a little bit of therapy in the past but I mean I've always been against it because the questions they're asking me are questions I ask myself and and a lot of the times like even opening up to a therapist even though that like there's that they're supposed to be that safety is difficult

but I can do that with myself. Like I can have that conversation, which may not be positive, a positive outcome. But you said there's supposed to be safety. Yeah, I mean, I feel like the idea of like a therapist is at least how we imagine them, is that you're supposed to go into a place where you can have that conversation and be able to open up and not fear the judgment or the like, it's the same reason.

It's like why you wouldn't go to your friend. to have that conversation. You, or you wouldn't go to a close. What are you afraid that they're going to see? The therapist or the, the, the, the, the problems. The, I mean, like. What problems would they see? I mean, like, the, like, the depression and like the, the, the, the, the, the, the, I

Again, I don't know if I can throw like words, specific words at it. The deep blackness. Yeah, the unknown. The, the, I mean. Brian, it's Brian, right? Yeah. No, it's Philip. So I get the sense that there is something, that you think that there's something really bad.

that some people may see. And I'm sort of going back to this like, you know, when I'm in fifth grade and this girl sits next to me and she talks to me for one day and then she like very, because you're observant, right? And so you notice like, oh, this is a shift.

Like she's not even making eye contact. She's like turning away. She's like straight down. Like she's trying very hard to not engage with you at all. Yeah. She's not even, she's not calling you bad things. So she's not being aggressive. It is like, in a weird way, I think like even if there's aggression like that feels bad,

but there's some kind of connection. Whereas it really seems like she's trying really hard to pretend that you don't even exist anymore. That there's something about you that she just doesn't even want to, doesn't even want to make fun of, you know? and that there's something and I have to think about sort of like that thing and I can see you're getting emotional right but really I mean I think you get the sense that there is

something that is kind of like really black like it feels kind of like tar and ugly and smelly and something that you know you just don't want people to see even with therapists I wonder if you think that even if they were to see it like what are they going to do about it yeah it feels really unfixable, unsolvable. And, you know, it kind of like comes and goes, right?

So like depending on the day, the sun is out or this cloud is obscuring it. So I'm getting a lot of sense of, I think powerlessness isn't the right word. Because I don't think you feel powerless. I think you actually are like quite resilient, quite adaptive. You've really lifted your. yourself up and I get the sense that you can really take pride in that. But it's almost like, you know, the moon shows up 13 days of the lunar cycle and on the 14th day, there's nothing.

Yeah. I get a sense of random awfulness that pops up that you can sort of do nothing about. And the other 13 days you can kind of manage, but every once in a while, this thing inside you comes up. How does that map on to what you feel? I mean, it feels kind of accurate. I definitely think it's, I mean, whatever it is, it can be perpetual, I think, or at least affecting the feeling of like it can trigger, I think.

Maybe it may be the right word. Ah. So it gets turned on and off. Yeah. I think it can get turned on and maybe it's there. and then there's like an aspect that lingers. Because I know like with the like when I'm struggling with depression, that it like it can last more than those first 12 hours or however it is.

But it definitely, yeah. Weeks or months? Yeah. I mean it's definitely weeks. I don't think I think I've been able to usually crawl out before. but I I try not to let myself ever get bad I've gotten to a point where

it's gotten life-threatening at one point in my life and I again very blessed to have the support system I did and my family it's really important yeah I mean like God forbid if you know if I didn't have my mom on my cell phone in contact since her sending a text at the right time but like yeah

I mean so like I can consciously know where the line is and then start to make progress in the other direction yeah so I mean that's what I really do get a sense of actually power from you you know that you're kind of there's a big dragon to slay but like you're a pretty badass night you know and like that maybe that's that that's making me feel emotional actually

it's weird now I'm like sort of like this, it is like this large beast. I'm realizing now that the black pit isn't actually the right imagery for me. I don't know why I'm getting emotional. It's weird. But like, you know, that there's this big thing and that you have actually stood up to it. And it's kind of there. It's more persistent.

You know, and you've got your band of Mary Warriors, which is kind of what it takes. I'm surprised by the emotion I'm feeling right now. But I just got this very clear image of like you. standing in armor, like facing down a dragon, that's like really scary. And it's potentially lethal. Yeah. I'm going to need a second. Do you want another one?

Yeah. And, you know, that makes me wonder. Like, so the psychiatrist in me makes me wonder about the imagery and how much you're in nights and shit like that. No, it's really good. But going back to dating. that we're supposed to be talking about. So, I mean, what was it with that relationship

that allowed you to be open, connected? I think time. Time was a big aspect of it. And she wanted the relationship and was very persistent and very caring and opening. I mean, I think she carried a lot of it. Carried a lot of what? The relationship.

Okay. I think I fall under, what's the relationship type where they like distance themselves? Avoidant? Yeah. I think I fall under avoidant attachment a lot more. But I also am like desperate for for the acceptance. So I don't know how that necessarily plays out.

That's common. Yeah. Yeah. So you want to talk about that for a second? Sure. So, you know, avoidance is a protection strategy because you're desperate for acceptance, but you're terrified. you're not going to get it.

Right? Because whatever that thing is that you're, and it's interesting because even when you were talking about therapy, you're like, you're supposed to be, it's supposed to be a safe space, but it doesn't really feel like a safe space. And I've noticed actually how, I know you showed up here

and you signed up for this, but if I'm not careful, we could never talk about any of this stuff. Like I think you're good at conversing. and so I don't know if you felt this but I'm kind of you know I kind of got my eye on the prize and I'm not letting you skirt away a little bit

do you get that sense or not so? Yeah, I'll keep on track. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think and I think that's what's really scary so I think, you know, just to offer maybe this is a punchline but so what tends to work

I think for people like you is and we're not done by the way but So, you know, I think what's tricky is we oftentimes think that we need to like be healed or be fulfilled or not fulfilled, but we need to get our shit together basically. Yeah. And then we can enter into a relationship. I'm really curious if you sort of imagine a world in which you're like fixed and then it'll be easy to date. Yeah.

I mean, I don't remember who said it. I had gotten a lot of those. I think it was a comedian, but the, there was a comedian. but there was a kid in the audience who like was asking the comedian like how he gets a girlfriend and the comedian was like you need to stop asking yourself that question and ask what what you have to offer I think was and that's kind of like always been in the back of my head I mean like career and job and security and kind of these ideals that I suppose aspect to be able to offer those and then but I yeah I mean

What do you have to offer? Right now? Not a lot. Really? I mean, yeah. And in the regards of like what people expect, I think, from a lot of it. I mean, when you go on dating apps, it's like I don't even know how many times you see like people being like, I want somebody with a stable job.

I want somebody with, I want somebody who can be, make me feel safe. I want somebody with a mustache. Or however hit. these beats kind of thing. You know, and I mean, we can like strive for those, but. And so when, I mean, dating apps are challenging in a lot of ways. Actually, let's talk about your friend who you went hunting with at the moment. So what would happen when you meet people?

It depends. I mean, for me, it's like that ice breaking moment is the most difficult. I'm terrified. I will freeze in my shoes and I will I will close completely up. Especially on those like that introduction. He tried, it was one of those things where he tried, I couldn't approach anybody. We tried where like he did the, I think it's how I met your mother like, hi, this is my friend Brian. And then leaves kind of thing.

We tried that and those conversations never really went anywhere. I think it was more of like the person was like, oh, they're attractive, and then I didn't provide enough substance, maybe. That's how you felt? Yeah, I mean, going back to like the body language thing, like having, beginning that conversation and seeing the change and then it ending and then them leaving, I think. Walk me through that.

So you get introduced, he breaks the ice for you, and then you freeze? the introduction he'll introduce and that that first moment of like first conversation first sentence that's that's where I freeze we tried a couple different things where he started the conversation for me and that helped a lot actually like I was able to continue it and that didn't go too well but what didn't go too well about that I mean it's in my head the way the way I like I see it is that she approaches she hi my name is da da da and then there's like this beat in this moment that like is awkward it becomes awkward either I make it awkward or how I am what does awkward mean um a feeling okay uh an emptiness a space like where there should be something and there's okay and they aren't wanting to start it or or create that rapport and so then it's like expected i don't know i yeah feeling is is yeah i i see that yeah i can i can really get you're kind of flying blind not sure exactly what you're supposed to be doing but it's not

this and there's something you should be doing or something should be happening differently yeah but it's not happening the way that it's supposed to and then you spiral i i freeze okay i wouldn't say spiral. I mean, going way back to the train analogy, the train just is like going. There's no like racing thoughts. Like I'm in my head. I'm thinking I'm not, I'm not maybe maybe that's the problem is I'm not thinking about like her or like what's the conversation. I'm thinking about how how what she, her facial expression, her body language, what not to say. or that kind of thing. Does this happen in other situations besides dating?

Oh, absolutely. Like what? It's probably, it's one of the reasons that I feel like I've failed a lot of the ways in my career. I mean, being, it's social. It's all about who you know and making those connections. And I've definitely, have, like, kicked myself in the ass, like, in hindsight. What do you, how do, I have, I don't know, Paul.

Like, producers and directors and meeting those, meeting those people who would be able to give me a leg up. I mean, for instance, I got a connection through my dad to go to Chicago and meet this guy who knows another guy kind of situation. And like, I dropped the ball. Like, I never made that. I didn't make that connection. I froze and I didn't know how to approach it.

And there was an inaction instead of the, action. So like, and then flying back home on the plane, like, going through my head and I'm like, should have done this. I could have done this. And like the whole trip was a failure because, because I didn't act or what makes it hard for you to act? I don't know. Is it the freeze? Yeah. And maybe the fear or whatever is causing the freeze. Why don't you freeze when you're on stage? I mean, it's not me. It's also rehearsed. I mean, I can improv too.

And I'm expected to be there. And I'm not being judged for it. I mean, I'm being judged, but the people who are watching are there to be entertained. And I have a concept of what I'm supposed to be on stage. And so it's way easier. I mean. Have you considered pretending to be what you're supposed to be in these situations? Yes.

I mean, like, yeah, but I don't know what they are. And I don't know what it feels like to be that, I guess. Oh, interesting. So it's almost like, so you, I mean, you mentioned earlier that, you know, character development is a big part of acting. So it sounds like from a craft perspective, you, you see. spend a lot of time figuring out who you're supposed to be before you go on stage. Yeah, I mean, like, you break down, you break down the line and the scene and the emotion and, like, the goal and, like, how the character is trying to achieve the goal.

What have they done? What haven't they done? I mean, there's a lot of, there's a lot that goes into, into it, a lot of preparation and objective. And you know the outcome, I think, is also an, another thing. There isn't a mystery of what's going to happen. It's already set in stone. Because I think a lot of people would assume that if you were good at being on stage,

you would be good at being social. But I think you do a wonderful job of really sharing how polar opposite these two things are. One is a very controlled environment, one is a very uncontrolled environment, one is something where you know there's no uncertainty right so the lines are written out the script is written out someone is almost telling you what you're supposed to be yeah whereas it's not clear because in some of these other situations like you don't know exactly who you're supposed to be

yeah and i don't know who the other person is like that's one what's the one advantage for the script is i know the other characters um and i know the other actors and performers oh boy yeah um and so i think there's just a greater understanding and then you know what's really interesting is oh man i don't know where to go with this like i have i have so many thoughts so i first thing is like do you do you feel like this is fixable like fundamentally fixable i really want it to be um in my self thoughts and and like experiences i don't know i don't know i don't know what i don't know what the roadblock is and so like i don't know if i have to take down a mountain or take down a sign or fix a small thing and to, you know,

I just stopped all the bleeding. I don't know what the wound looks like, I guess, because it's maybe, yeah, I go back to, I would really hope that I can at some point. But it may be something that it's just like, it'll always be there and it comes down to being able to slow, increase like get better at controlling it. You know, I don't know if I can get rid of the animal,

but I may be able to tame. Yeah, so I would say, you know, it's interesting. Sometimes when I sit with people, there's sort of like one thing that they get wrong or like one thing that they have a blind spot towards and they sort of like figure that out and we're kind of able to figure it out together. I think I'm getting a different vibe

from myself sitting with you and that's almost like more instructional do you are you okay if I talk at you for a little while like I think I have a good sense of what's going on with you actually so the first thing is to describe what this is I think the reason it's hard to fix

is because it's not one thing so if I had to say what your road looks like have you ever seen like a trash dump like a dump, like a pile of, like, you know, like people will go to the dump and they'll drop off like. So you know, there's like a mound of garbage. I would say that your road is like clearing a mound of garbage. So I think it's absolutely doable.

But it's going to take a fair amount of work. And I think it's a lot more like plotting than people would think. First thing is that I think, so there's a lot of different things that I've noticed that you do. each of these can be tackled. So I don't think this is like going from zero to one. I think it's picking up two to three points at a time. You know, it's like that's kind of what we're, it's not getting people onto the ground and then you win.

It's like getting a head shot and then, you know. And so I think what's confusing about is it can all feel tangled up. But I think there's a lot of different stuff going on. The first is your body. So I don't know, you know, so when you freeze, that is one, that is like an activation of your nervous system. And that can like literally be rewired. So, you know, when some people, when their adrenaline spikes, some people will get excited.

Some people will get angry. Some people will get afraid. And then some people's nervous system is wired to play dead. So like, I don't know if you've ever seen like animals that like play dad like possums. So like you're one of the people where your nervous system is like, play. dead. Like you freeze. You like kind of lock up. And and some of that is it's not, I mean, we can talk about the psychology and the trauma and all depression and all that kind of stuff. But we'll get to that. But I think there's a really simple like if you do autonomic retraining is

what we call it. So I don't know if you've ever done like yoga or Tai Chi. Yeah, I've done yoga. Like do yoga or have done yoga? How many hours in your life? Maybe there was a while where I was doing it like every other day. for a few months, but probably less than 100. Okay. So I think this is where there's just like literally yoga and Tai Chi do some things to your nervous system where they will like rewire the way that your nervous system works.

And I think part of this is going to be like, I don't know if this makes sense, but you know how like when you freeze, it's like sudden. You know, it's like you're walking up and you're kind of ramping yourself up and then like something happens and then it like turns on. Yeah. And then once the conversation starts, maybe you feel a lot better. But the duration of the freeze is like pretty short unless it gets sustained. Does that kind of make sense?

So that really maps onto adrenaline. So adrenaline like, you know, floods your system within seconds and lasts up to five minutes. So, and then if you keep on getting adrenaline spikes, then that's different. But I think you probably then get stuck in your head. And now you've screwed things up and stuff like that. So the first thing is like autonomic retraining. Second thing is I think you are very vigilant of other people. Like you read, you're very, you're hypervigilant to negative stimuli from other people.

I'll explain. So like there's a particular illness called borderline personality disorder. Have you ever heard of this? Yeah. I'm not saying you have it or anything. No, I'm familiar. Okay. But the thing about.

people with BPD, so they did a really interesting experiment where they took someone smiling and then they became angry. So if you take like a video of my face changing from smiling to angry, and then you cut it up into 100 stills, you following me? So like in the middle is halfway. Between smiling and angry, you following me? So a normal person, you have to be 70% angry for someone without BPD to detect that you're angry. Yeah. So you can be 70% angry, 30% happy, and then people figure out, okay, this person is mad at me. People at BPD are the other way around.

You can be 70% smiling and 30% angry, and they will look at that face and literally their brain is able to detect the anger, even though it's small. Does that make sense? Yeah. So some people have a hypervigilance to negative stimuli from other people.

So, and this also ties into adrenaline, So adrenaline makes us more aware of, like, I don't know if you've ever experienced this, but, like, you know, if you're walking to the outhouse late at night because you're at Renfair, they may not have toilets. And then, like, you, you, like, hear a twig snap, right? And then you're on alert. And every benign sound is a potential danger. Yeah.

So adrenaline kind of feeds into this where, like, in baseline, it's really interesting how you, you're very observant of other people. which I think helps you What's really fascinating to me about this professionally is how all the stuff you'd think that if you were good at acting you would be good at social stuff but I think all the stuff that makes you good at acting

makes social stuff really hard for you. So your hypervigilance of the audience allows you to modulate am I too loud, am I scary enough? Does that kind of make sense? Like you're really good at reading the audience and you're really good at reading people, but I think you have this negative bias

to where you pick up all the negative things. It's not clear to me that that's active when you're acting. Are you very sensitive to the audience not enjoying things? There's definitely like an energy. I'm not, but I'm not like looking at people's faces to try to read reactions. Yeah, but do you think you are more sensitive to their negative energy than their positive energy

when you're acting? Yeah, I mean, yeah. Okay, okay. That surprises me a bit, but I guess it shouldn't. I mean, that would be logically consistent, but something about acting feels different to me when you're doing it. Like, I think you're, anyway, that's okay. So second thing is just the hypervigilance of people's faces. Third thing that you do is you mind read.

So you make a lot of interpretations about what other people think. And you're not kind of like centered or grounded in yourself. Like there are several times where, you know, I'll ask a question because I don't understand something. And then you'll walk it back. So I think this is the third thing for you to cognitively notice. Like, I don't know if you remembered how you felt when I got confused. But like, you know, when I made that statement, so you're, I even forget what it was, socially awkward and... The friend one, yeah.

Which one? The, like, the moving around and being socially awkward, but then still being able to make friends. Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. Right, so do you remember how when I expressed that confusion, do you remember what happened inside you? No. Okay, yeah, so this stuff happens really rapidly, okay? And it's totally fine for you to not remember.

I would pay attention to that going forward. Like, just notice you're going to get some signal, which is going to make your inside kind of panic, and then what you're going to want to do is, like, adapt to the other person. Does that make sense? Yeah, 100%. Right? So, like, you know what I mean when you're like, oh, I did something wrong?

Like, how do I, how, like, they're right and I, like, you know, that feeling? The crazy thing is like, that feeling is wrong. Like, it's not necessarily correct. And this, I think, goes back to the deeper stuff of like, you know, how does someone believe that they're fundamentally wrong when other people are confused? That goes back to this girl sat next to me and then didn't look at me ever again. there is this very amorphous, undefined, I can't trust, I thought we were friends, I thought we were getting along great.

So I think there are a couple of experiences that you've had that have made you doubt yourself. And you carry around a lot of doubt. And then I think the other thing here is that, you know, I think you're afraid of letting people see what's on the inside. I mean, that much I think is, I think you've done a lot of this work, right?

So I think you kind of figured this out. And I imagine that this has happened before, but a lot of people get stuck in this idea of like, okay, I have to fix that so that I can show up as perfect. Yeah. Actually, what he, that doesn't work, unfortunately. Yeah. Okay.

Do you have experience with that? I mean, like trying to be perfect? Yeah. I mean, yeah. And then, but. Do you ever feel like you achieve some degree of perfection? Um, I mean, I don't, I don't think they, I don't think you could achieve. I don't think perfection is achievable.

Like, like, you start. So when you, when you try to be perfect, what happens? Um, you fail. Okay. And then, how do you feel about that? Because it's impossible. Yeah, not great. Okay.

Defeated. I mean, like, or, um, wrong. It's like, like, it feels like I did. something wrong. Okay. Makes sense. So I think the tricky thing here is that, and this is going to be hard. So what's really healing is not being perfect, which you've already figured out, isn't possible, but is being flawed and having someone accept you anyway. Right? It's like showing who you really are, the good and bad, and someone saying, like, you know, wrapping their arms around you, which it sounds like when you were 23, you had someone who really

you were able to be honest with and they like, you said that they put in a lot of work into the relationship. And so what felt really significant to me about that is that you were honest with them and they didn't run away. In fact, they... I ran away. Yeah, and then they

they like still cared about you enough despite your flaws, despite your mistakes, right? And I can see you're getting a little bit emotional. And so, you know, do you know what you're feeling now? I mean, I miss the relationship. I'm thinking about the relationship. Right. So I'm going to speak for you.

Okay. And let me know if I'm wrong. But I think there's a special kind of when you're making mistakes and someone is still pursuing you, that feels like love. Yeah. Right? Like to really be loved despite your flaws. and like that feels really good. Yeah.

You know, and I think that's what you're looking for. You're looking for someone to see your flaws. You're terrified of them seeing your flaws because then you get rejected. But like I think what you really want more than anything else is to be accepted completely. And this is what's kind of hard about being an actor is that you're so good at getting people to like you when you pretend. And so this is kind of a dangerous drug. It's kind of like, you know, using AI to do your home. Like once you start, it's really hard to do it like the messy way.

Yeah. What do you, just, I'm going to pause for saying just if you have anything that you want to say or respond. I think you're, I mean, I resonate with a lot of what you're saying. I mean, especially in regards to like the relationship and things and the seeking it. It's interesting. I don't know how to fix it. Yeah.

It's one of those things where it's like, I don't know. Yeah, so I'm going to tell you something. I don't know that this is going to fix it. But how do you feel about giving people the opportunity to love you? I mean, I love the idea. That I get. I don't know how it's achievable. I don't know what that looks like.

Okay. And like the guards of like the mental hurdle of it. of getting past the yeah I the way the way my brain is trying to process it is kind of like okay what does that look like yeah I'm so so yeah I mean I think you've got a couple of other things going for you one is you're very

cognitive which is like a strength and a weakness when you're when the Kool-Aid man starts running in random like you have a really strong Kool-Aid man and he's capable of running a lot but when it's out of your control, you get messed up by it, right? And I totally see what you're saying.

And I think this is why some of the stuff, so there's a lot of stuff that we've talked about, but I totally get, and I think this is what's hard, you don't have a template for what that looks like. You know, so like you're like, I don't know literally how to do it. Yeah. So this is where we get a little bit like bro to bro.

Okay. So in my chair, I spend a lot of time. with women who are in your chair. And what they want, Brian, basically, is you. In your current form. Now, there's a couple things that's really confusing about that. Okay, so let me explain.

Number one is liking and wanting are completely different circuits of the brain. Okay. So there is the dopamine circuit. the dopamine circuit is what gives us cravings. There's another circuit of the brain which gives us, it's the hedonic circuit, you know what hedonic means? Hedonism.

Yeah. What is hedonism? Like the self or like the self-gratification? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So like the, so what's really bizarre is what people want and what they like are actually two completely different things.

Like completely different. it's in the brain. And this is what's so confusing about dating apps is everyone tells you what they want, but they don't even know what they like. So if you try to give them what they want, they may not even like it. Does that kind of make sense? Yeah. And so I'll give you just a simple, not classic, but one classic for me because it's my life.

But I wanted one thing in my partner, which is I didn't want to date an Indian girl. and my partner wanted one thing which is that she didn't want to date an Indian guy we're both Indian and we ended up together and it was kind of weird right because we just basically both had one rule which is like no Indian people

and we really bonded over how much we didn't want to date in people. Right? So what we like and what we want are different things I mean I'm just trying to think about other examples but there's like a bazillion examples out there of I'm thinking about my kids and they need to go to bed. You know, they don't want to go to bed, but they need to go to bed. They like going to bed.

Like I fight with them all the time where it's like, okay, lay down. How does it feel to lay down? They're like, it feels great to lay down. Oh my God, I'm so tired. I'm yawning. So this is what's so tricky about dating apps is if you try to live up to the standard of what they want, you're going to have trouble with your life. But, I mean, there's a lot of research that shows that direction in life.

is one of the strongest elements of charisma. So I think you're like a relatively good-looking dude. You know, so many dudes I work with are concerned because they're less than 5 foot 11 or less than 6 feet. Like, that's not a problem for you. Yeah. I mean, you know, you may not have a whole lot of job security, but you have gainful employment.

And by the way, people who are depressed make really good artists. Yeah. So this is like a random aside. But there's even this interesting theory about a creative depression that some of these old psychoanalysts sort of figured out that depression is actually a dormancy. It's like a hibernation of your creative energy. And there's weird alchemy going on inside you during the period of depression. So literally like even though you're not doing anything out there that there's some transformation going on inside you. And this is actually quite well studied.

We don't really know exactly how scientific it is. there's a lot of evidence that this is the case. So I'm not surprised. I mean, I've worked with a bunch of theater kids, musicians, artists, and like, you know, their mental is not the best. But I think it allows them to create and perform in ways that are so much more authentic. Because when you're portraying a character who is faced with loss, the fear of being faced with loss, being, you know, experiencing loss,

what you feel is so much more authentic. and that's what makes you, I think there's a reason why celebrities and actors and musicians are all messed up mentally. It really is a competitive advantage. And I think, I mean, you're not a nice guy, you're a good guy.

Like, right? You're a guy who, in a basketball locker room, you're like, this doesn't feel right. These are not my people. And like the number one's concern for women right now is actually safety. Yeah. Like one out of three women,

30% of women get assaulted, I think within, I don't remember the exact statistic, but it's insane. It's like within the last two years, 30% of women get assaulted. Yeah, it makes me hate being associated with men. Because I've had a lot of, I've talked to a lot of girls here, like, they don't like men. Like, they hate men. They'll use the word hate, which is like, you know, it hurts. But I understand.

So, I mean, I think this is what's kind of confusing is that unless you understand that what people like and what they want, are like two separate things. And if you judge yourself based on the requirements on the app, and apps are challenging for any number of reasons. And a lot of people struggle on them a lot. But I think genuinely, and this is not because I'm, you know, how can I say this? I'm very authentic in my opinion of your value as a mate.

Like I'm not just telling you this because, I mean, I'll find something good to say. about you, but it didn't have to be this. That's that kind of makes sense. Because I think you seem like a good dude who's caring, who's thoughtful, you know, and I'm sure you've got that avoidance stuff where you like retreat

from people and maybe shit like that. So you've got to work on that too if that's still going on. But I really, I mean, I think you're a catch. And I'm not saying that just because, you know, I'm trying to be nice. But, you know, and like, you know, it's not also because you play

kingdom come delivered. And so I like that too. you had me a titanium armor, you know? And I think there's a lot of stuff about you that's a little bit non-standard, for sure. And there are going to be lots of women who are not interested in that. But, you know, when you asked for a template and then I gave you this laundry list of things, so the template is give people the opportunity to accept or reject that, right? Show up somewhere.

I know we're going to, you're freezing, but that's why we start with the yoga. Yeah. Then we start with the hypervigilent. Then we move to the hypervigilance. then we catch ourselves mind reading, right? My mind is telling me, oh, like, this person thinks this about me. Yeah. So the template is actually not doing that stuff, which is easier said than done.

And therapy can help a lot, by the way. Like, I think a lot of therapy, you know, some of the therapy that you may be more amenable to is like the cognitive behavioral type. Have you ever tried that? So this is like more almost like mental reprogramming. Yeah. So it's not so much about your like, you know, feeling. in your childhood and like your parents and how your mom hugged your brother

more than she hugged you or whatever. It's literally like when you have this thought and you feel like doing this thing, how can we reprogram you? And then, I mean, I think it's going to be tough, but I think showing up somewhere and I know it's going to be hard, being you, and it's going to hurt.

And I don't know actually if you can do that. though. Can you be you? What do you think? Like in a situation? Yeah. I mean, maybe. I think, you know, like rejection therapy, I guess. See, but that's what I mean is I think you're saying rejection therapy is then you get rejected and then you get better at it? Maybe, yeah. See, why do you think that you would get rejected, though? Why is that you?

your default positioning. Right? So I think that's the problem. Yeah. Because I think the problem is if you show up thinking it's rejection therapy and my goal is to get rejected, you're not actually giving people a chance. So I think some of this is like catching that kind of thinking. Right? So you showed up here.

What was this like for you? I mean, I don't know. I wasn't coming. I didn't come into it with a. You had no template. Yeah. I didn't know what it was going to look like or what this was going to be. And what was it?

I mean, I mean, right. I mean, informational or I learned a lot. I'm learning a lot. And sharing? And what was your attitude coming in? Open. You kind of talked about a little bit, kind of just being honest and it's kind of opening. So that was kind of the mindset.

Can you be like this when you're talking to a girl? Maybe, yes. I feel like a lot of this, I mean, at least right now, like I'm not doing a lot of work in this relationship. So I feel like with the girl, I have to do a lot more work. Why? I don't know. Because it's required.

Why? No, I mean, so you're saying a template. I would say socially. Like I can tell you, bro, if this winds up on YouTube, there's going to be all kinds of positive comments about you. Right? And I could see what happened in your face when I said, if this winds up on YouTube, what was your reaction? I was a little nervous. Yeah, absolutely.

Nervous about what? I don't know. Judgment, I guess. Right. People think. But, but like you see how it's like, I saw it like a switch. Did you feel it turn on? Fear.

Yeah. Fear of judgment. Like, what are they going to think? What are they going to see? Like, now it's happening more. Like, it's like, like, and I think this is, this is me seeing you. Like, I've been seeing you this whole time, but the moment that you realize that you're being seen. Like, does that make sense?

It's not, it's not actually being seen that's a problem. It's realizing that you're being seen. Yeah. Do you follow me? Yeah. Okay, what do you understand? Because I feel like I made no fucking sense. No, I mean, I mean, the recognition, I think, is the catch.

And thinking about thinking about thinking being seen. But yeah, I mean, the great example. I do audition tapes and things. I hate watching them. And sending them blindly is easier because I'm not, I'm not, thinking about what they're going to see. I'm not already judging. I guess, maybe.

Maybe that was totally out of... No, no, no, no. I think that makes a lot of sense. So, yeah, I mean, so I think when you... You're good at being. Like, I think you're really good at being, right? Because when you're acting, you're not actually acting. You're not pretending. You're being.

And I think today you've been here. But the moment that for some reason, And this is something that you can also work on with the therapist. If we had two more hours, we would get into it. But for some reason, when you start, and actually maybe we can speed run it, do you have any memories of realizing that you were being watched and being, where did you learn that being watched is a scary thing? I don't know.

Okay. I don't know if, I don't know if there was a specific moment. I would equate it to being like in elementary, like that kind of that, I think the rejection of being watched. Being watched and then seeing the outcome and fearing the outcome. I think recognizing that the watching leads to that or can lead to that. And when people look at you, what do you think they see? I think it changes. I think it depends on where I am and what I'm doing.

What are you, when I said if this winds up on YouTube and you had that panic, I saw panic in your mind. Did you feel, by the way, the adrenaline? Yeah. All right. It turns on. So what did you, do you have a sense? And I know it was fast, right? So it's like, it's tricky because it's fast and it's amorphous.

Yeah. Do you have a sense of what they were afraid that, what are you afraid of them seeing? I don't know if it's something that like, I'm like, okay, this is what? I'm afraid of people saying. I think it's more of, I don't know what people are going to see. Ah. And that,

and seeing all the different possibilities. Ah, that's, that's, that's, that's, good. So,

so interesting. Do you have any sense why I'm so excited right now? No. Okay. So, you know, sometimes we think about like a particular trauma,

right? Like, oh, like I'm afraid that people will think I'm weak or I'm afraid that people will think I'm, I'm ugly, but what I'm really getting from me, this is why it's hard to pin down. This is why you think about it a lot, you've worked on it a lot.

It's clear to me that you've done a ton of self-development. Like, I don't know if you read self-help books or like watch, you know, motivation speeches or shit like that. But, you know, it's clear to me that you've spent a lot of time working on yourself. And the tricky thing is, I think it's exactly that, is that you're afraid of the unknown. Like, you don't know what they're going to see. Right. And I think that gets a bit tricky.

I'm going to have to think about that some. Because, I mean, what do you think I see? I mean, I don't know at this point. I think we, I mean, you've said a lot about what you, what you do see, I guess. And so that's, I mean, I'm more comfortable and that's clearer. In the beginning, I don't know. I think I definitely came in with the mentality of how I wanted to be seen. How did you want to be seen?

I mean, like in a positive light, I guess. is the way I would describe it, like going back to like the looks, like attractive, a good guy, like that, that can, being a, being a knight kind of mentality. But yeah. Do you think that's what we saw today? I hope so. I think a little bit. I definitely, not the ideal, but definitely a person who strives to be the ideal and is, but it is flawed. And how does that feel to be that way. And I'm pretty neutral actually. And you talked about earlier about like being accepted and letting people see the floss

and still love you. So that resonates with that emotion a little bit. And so it's cautious is how I feel about it. Good. Yeah. I think that's a really healthy thing to feel right now, which is like, so, I'll tell you, I mean, I don't, I think you're, oddly enough, I respect someone who strives to be a night more than someone who's a night. Yeah.

You know, so what I get from you is, so I'll tell you what I see, if you want to hear it. TLDR, I think you're great. Like, I think that you're clearly someone who struggles with certain things, but I don't think they make you any less. I think that's the big thing. I think we've seen a lot of your floss today. They don't make me think really any less of you. And I think the way that you handle them, and maybe you've done a really good job at acting.

Solid performance. Right? But I don't think it is. I mean, I think we saw a lot of authenticity. I think we saw who you are. And I think that you have a lot of very real concerns about the uncertainty of your job. And it's clear that you've struggled with depression

in a very real way, like off and on throughout the year. years, I don't think any less of you because of that. I think everyone's got something. And really what I see is someone, and this is actually maybe the most tragic part, I see someone whose biggest problem is getting in their own way. Right, which is like what's so fucking frustrating about it, because how do you not do that? You don't know, right? And so I think the simplest thing that I could tell, yeah, I mean, I think you're, I think

you're a good looking dude objectively. I think you're passionate about something. Like, I mean, the stories that I hear about people who are in relationships and or trying to get out of relationships are dudes who sit at home all day, play video games, watch pornography, don't help out at home or out of work for six months, are looking for a job, but not really looking for a job. You know, and like this is what women get frustrated by people who are physically abusive, sexually abusive, emotionally abusive, just dead weight. Like, I find it, and I know that you struggle with depressions that are going to be time. where maybe you have trouble getting out of bed. But I don't think, here's the key thing, you're not dead weight. And I think what people really don't want right now is like dead weight.

Like you're trying to make it work and the deck is stacked against you. That's what I think is really the essence of the respect that I have for you. And I think in terms of your template, show up with girls the way that you showed up today. What do you think about that? I mean, it makes a lot of sense. You can't. Huh? You can't.

Can't? It makes a lot of sense, but you can't. There's something there. I... I say I can't. It would be something where I'd have to try and see what happens in the moment. And like I said, be cognitive of what's going on. But like, I don't know.

Yeah. And I think that there's a lot of fear in that. Yep. Good. Yeah. I think that makes a lot of sense. We've been at it for about two hours. What you have questions?

We still have time. But like what thoughts or questions do you have for me? I mean, I would want to know. We talked a little bit about like what needs to be conquered in those directions. It's like how do I start pursuing those? Like is, I mean, is it, we talked about it being a mountain that, like, or trash mountain that needs pieces at a time. But like, is it something where it's like, how much control do I have? So I think people are blown away when they learn that.

So several studies show that between 12 and 20 weeks of concerted effort is what it takes to improve things by 60 to 70 percent. in your case I think it's going to take I would give you a year or two I think if you work at this for one or two years and by work at this I mean

spend two to five hours a week on focused work and then also throughout the day catch yourself this is really important so your big problem Brian is that

your body and your mind start working on autopilot. Does that make sense? So I don't know if this makes sense, but autopilot can't happen if you're aware. Fundamentally, the circuits in your brain are completely different. A good example of this is if I were to tell you to walk, but try to move every muscle. Yeah. Like try to walk like intentionally. Walking only happens when it's on autopilot.

If you focus on each movement, it's impossible to walk. So there's a really cool thing, which is all of the. automatic stuff in your mind, if you start being aware of it, it literally melts away. So anyone who gets stuck in like trauma reactions and stuff like that, the more we raise awareness, it just, it activates a different part of your brain. The part of your brain that is aware is also the part of your brain that willpower comes from. And we can see it. It's so interesting.

And I don't know if people are going to watch this or not, but like, you know, even if you go back and you'll see how quickly things turn on and turn off for you. I'll make a particular statement, I'll mention something, and then like the autopilot turns on. Yeah. So as you start like being aware of those transitions, those transitions will feel weaker and they'll happen less.

So I'd say very focused, you know, if you're going to start with five hours a week, I'd say do yoga, go to three yoga classes a week, go to therapy, do CBT for, one hour a week for like 12 to 20 weeks. That'll honestly probably make things about 30 to 40% better. Like if we're doing this evidence-based statistical perspective, right? So you've got some amount of like anxiety kind of stuff and you have a history of

depression. So I think the CBT will help with that. I think it's, and you know, the vulnerability and all that kind of stuff, I mean, you can work through that with the therapist, but you actually don't need to be super vulnerable. It's really about mental reprogramming, which may be a better fit for you. And then it's catching these. various things. So

catching when you read into people's facial expressions. Catching when you mind read. So when you start to make assumptions about what people think. Yeah. And like when you say catching, is it just like going, oh, I did, I did this? 100%. Yeah. That's it. Like it's amazing when people

get good at it, how little it takes. The key thing though is that the frequency with which you do it is what produces the effect. So it only lasts five seconds. Yeah. But if you do it six times a day for like 30 days, you will notice a change in your thought process. And yeah, I mean, I would start with those three things.

And then like, you know, in terms of talking to girls, like I think, you know, I would spend some time reflecting on how you were here and try to be this way, which is like somewhat natural. And I think we noticed when you went into acting mode a little bit. We noticed when you were uncomfortable. But I think, you know, all the negative stuff you showed us, I don't think looked bad. Yeah. I think in fact it makes you quite relatable.

And it's like where do you get the idea that the person that you're going to be talking to doesn't struggle with those same things and won't be able to connect with you over that? And now I saw a light bulb go off in your head. Right? But like it's like you never, I mean, I don't know if you've never thought about that. But like, you know, the impression that I got from that facial, oh, it's like, oh yeah, like of course. I think it's just in those moments. Exactly.

It's not what's at the top of your head. Yeah. Yeah. So I think bringing that stuff to the top of your head requires some. training. Yeah. Yeah. Is that enough of an answer? And if it isn't, I feel like that, yeah, that fits pretty well. Yeah. Other questions, thoughts? Not really. Great, man. Yeah, thank you. Well, thank you so much for coming. I think it's so much. This is, this is really good. Yeah. I appreciate it too. Thank you for coming. Absolutely a pleasure.

Thanks for watching this episode of Love Maxing. This is the second episode in a three-part series. And next week, we'll meet Brittany, a recent P.A. graduate who is struggling to find someone who wants to be equal partners in a relationship. Yeah, we have a whole culture now of homosexuals, people who wants to come and live with you to just eat off you until you get tired. Can you tell me about a homosexual? Educate me, Brittany, please. My definition of infidelity is the exchange of communication. And what I mean by that is if we're in an exclusive relationship, it's not another female's job to be checking on you, asking you how, you know, how you're doing, how is your day going?

Do you need anything? Having a relationship with you, I think, is not simple. Let's put it that way. Okay. And if you all want to do some love maxing of your own, check out Dr. Kay's Guide to Love, Sex, and Relationships.