HealthyGamerGG - Ego of Being "Gifted" ft. AdeptTheBest

Episode Date: February 3, 2021

Greetings, wanderer. In today's interview, Adept joins us to share her thoughts and feelings on being a gifted kid and being stifled for it. Adept's traumatic scholastic experience can teach us a few things about ego. Is your ego healthy or unhealthy? Listen on to find out. Stream Schedule: https://www.twitch.tv/healthygamer_gg on Twitch. Youtube: https://youtu.be/s5cjlHMkOUM for VoD Archive. Support us at https://ko-fi.com/healthygamer if you enjoy our content and would continue helping making it accessible to everyone! Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome. Thank you. How are you? Good. How are you? I'm doing well today. I actually got some work done this morning, so I feel pretty good about it. Well, good job. I'm proud of you. Thank you. How are you doing today?

Good. I just woke up. So came over, got my hair and makeup done a little bit, and now I'm ready. Cool. And so what do you go by? A debt. Adept. Okay. Yeah. And is there something in particular? We were on scuffed podcast together a couple months ago. Is that right? Yeah, for a bit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I remember you said some really insightful stuff about mental health. Oh, thank you. Oh, yeah. Remember, actually, we did touch on the topic a little bit. Yeah. So I'm excited to get a chance to kind of talk to you more. Is there something in particular you wanted to talk about today? Yeah, I was in the gifted and talented education program very early on. I think the official test began in the third grade. And I noticed actually pretty quickly that my interest in school declined a lot in about fifth grade. So it wasn't long after. And the only actual passion that I had was the gifted and talented program after school. But all meanwhile, during school, it was like, it was just a real struggle for me to stay interested. And then it only got worse about six to eighth grade. I actually didn't technically graduate middle school, but I did progress on to the ninth grade. I wasn't held

back. And then I dropped out of school officially in the 11th grade. Like I think we were two weeks of the semester. And I just told my parents like, look, it's not looking good. And they're like, okay, and just to give you some more information, my brother also dropped out of high school. And he's older than me. And so my parents were like, okay, like we're not going to let the same path happen twice, you know, like we need to find you options. And they knew how gifted and bright that I really was. So they really, you know, struggled with. with the idea of me dropping out. They were like, we just don't get it. You're, you're just lazy. Like, what's going on? Something's wrong. So, um, I ended up going to continuation school from there,

which is more of like in, if there's a teacher there and you go for about four hours a day and they kind of guide you like, okay, here are your packets for the week. When you come back, you'll get half a credit, blah, blah, blah. And then that ended up not working for me either. So I dropped out of that. And I actually went to adult school at the age of 17. And there, they had a program for non-adults to achieve a GED when they turned 18. And in that class, I finally met, you know, a teacher that recognized what my struggle really was. And he was like, man, you really don't need this class, he's like, you're just not old enough to take the test. So what he had me do was tutor kids one-on-one in the back of the class that were about to take their test soon. And I would prepare them

and get them ready for their tests and answer any questions that they had while he was teaching everyone else. And I loved it. And I think if it wasn't for that class, I wouldn't have gone to college, which my only option at the time was community college. And I went over there and I excelled and I loved it. and I embraced college a lot. And I ended up dropping out, though, to come back to streaming, because at the time I was like, this is what I really want. It's here. I'm not going to miss it.

But that was also a struggle for me because it really made me feel like, man, am I really dropping out because I'm afraid of school or am I dropping out because of streaming? You know, like it was a real battle because I had dropped out of school so many times. but I ended up just going for it and not letting that hold me back. And I'm really happy that I did. And I actually still plan on possibly going back, at least for a few classes, even if it's just, you know, learning new hobbies, new techniques. I'm really into education.

And I do like, you know, teaching myself new things and being taught by a teacher. I love being taught. I think it's great. I've got a sneeze coming. Wow, that was such a great narrative adapt. I thought it was. And so how are you feeling nowadays? I mean, like, that's a hard question for me because I haven't been in school for so long.

So I don't know if you mean like school-wise. I'm like, nothing, you know, like I'm happy with the choice that I made is what I guess I could say there. I feel very grateful every day to just be alive. And I feel grateful that I have this job that I have and that I have a home to do my job in. And that's, you know, my family's good. I'm good health for now. So it's a lot to be grateful for. Yeah, okay.

That's a. So it sounds like you're pretty grateful and you really appreciate. the opportunities you've been given. You're grateful for some of the choices you made, choosing to be a little bit of a misfit to society when it was the right time to do so. I think that's really common for us on Twitch because sort of society doesn't really work for us in some ways.

Yeah. Is there anything that you kind of want to focus on or sort of try to learn a little bit more about or understand a little bit better about yourself? Honestly, I wanted to just have a full open discussion with you about kind of that whole narrative that I talked to you about because, you know, along the way, there were there were a lot of points where I was just very lost and confused because I was so smart, like so bright and I could pick up topics so quickly, so easily. And I always try and use my stream, my Twitter, everything to kind of give insight for kids that were just as lost as I am. Because I couldn't at the time comprehend why I couldn't just do the work. Okay, so there was actually, I mean, I'm just going to recall even a day in high school where there was this girl in my class sheet.

She just knew that I had these abilities. And I think most of the kids knew. but they just kind of assumed I was a fuck-up. Like they didn't understand why I wouldn't do the work either. Because I always had the answers, but I couldn't do the work. I couldn't sit there for hours and hours on end and just do the work. And there was a girl in my class one time and she goes, can you just teach me how to do all this?

And I was like, sure, yeah, I'll walk you through the whole worksheet. That's fine. And I sat there and I taught her everything. And one thing I love to do, especially when it comes to school and classes, is always find a way to teach people in a language that they understand. Because a lot of the times I felt like, you know, when my peers weren't getting it, it's because the teacher had only explained it in one way. And they couldn't fully grasp it. And they didn't know how to make it their own so that they could understand it. So I would like sit there and walk them through that as long as I had to until they understood it.

And then she just looked at me and she's like, man, I wish I had your brain. And that's like something that really engraved in my head because I didn't want to take this brain for granted ever. And it's always kind of been like a motivating factor for me to not completely what feels like wasting my brain. Because a part of me is kind of sad that I didn't achieve great like scholarly tasks with with the brain that I had because I was always ahead of track until I was way behind track. And so that was like a really tough battle for me internally.

How did it feel when she asked you for help? Do you remember? That was a beautiful story, by the way. Thank you. It just felt, I don't know. It was just like, hey, can you help me? And I was like, oh, yeah, sure. I really didn't get feelings about it until she was like,

I wish I had your brain because I was like, man, that's true. Not everyone, you know, can comprehend that. When she said that. It was just like an eye-opener. It made me feel like almost just questioning everything. Like, am I wasting it? Am I doing what I should be doing? What, like, why am I?

It made me feel good and bad. It was very bittersweet, good and bad at the same time. I can imagine. So I'm noticing that there's a lot of bittersweetness through sort of your story, right? Like being gifted. I mean, you sound to me like, you know, you're one of these characters that like during character creation picks up like a negative talent for extra points and then picks up a positive talent.

So you're kind of min-maxed. I don't know if that sort of makes sense. But you're kind of blessed and cursed at the same time. Yeah. Yeah. It's always felt that way a bit. And so help. I'm curious, Adept, have you ever been evaluated by a psychologist or a psychiatrist for like learning issues or ADHD or anything like that?

No. Never, but I do have my first appointment coming. So I'm really excited about that. Because I do think that I have one of the few that you just listed off. Yeah, that's good. So I was just going to say, I think a lot of times when I hear these sorts of stories, you know, there's a lot of lot of stuff around specifically ADHD and kids. I'm curious, how big was your, do you, do you remember how big your class sizes were? Like in the third grade, fifth grade, seventh grade? Yeah, I think we had

about 35, I would say, as our average. 35 kids per class. So that's actually a little bit high. You know, there's an interesting correlation. The larger, the class sizes, the more likely children are to be diagnosed with ADHD. And it's pretty linear. So like, um, it, you know, if you have like, you know, 20 kids in the class and one of them has ADHD, if you have 40 kids in the class, you're actually going to have four kids get diagnosed with ADHD. So 5% of the class will be diagnosed when you have 20 kids and, you know, 10% will be diagnosed when you've got 40 kids. And it's kind of interesting because what we've really found is that when you have a super smart kid and you can, can kind of give them attention at their own pace, they won't get diagnosed with ADHD.

But the more that you ask kids to conform to like a particular worksheet done in a particular time, the more likely people are to get diagnosed with ADHD. Right. You're nodding. That, yeah, because that makes me think of, um, okay, so to dive a little deeper and explain a little more, um, when I was very young before I ever started going to school, my dad sat with me and did hooked on phonics with me, I think, every single day. And by the time I went to preschool, I mean, I was like the teacher's helper because they couldn't teach me anything. They were

just there to kind of babysit us at that point, but they were teaching the other kids. And I was progressed and I was very far. Kindergarten, same thing. Just very, very progressed, very ahead of pace. But then in first grade, and I lived in a different town than where I lived most in my life. They didn't, the kindergarten teacher made notes. And she met with the other teacher, the principal, whoever, whatever she did. She was very caring in that sense to look out for me

because she recognized that I was just way ahead of pace. And so they would have me go and do math and literature in the second and third grade classes when I was in first and second grade. They'd always have, they'd always make sure that I was up in the like core classes. And that helped me a lot because I was like, I felt like in school, I always needed to be learning something new or I was just like out of it. I didn't want to pay attention.

Or I would try to and I just couldn't. I would zone out. It'd be gone. But then in the third grade is when we moved to a new city. And here they're like, oh, our schools are better than the schools that they have in that town. So we're just going to keep her all in these classes and blah, blah, blah. So the third grade felt like I had repeated it for the second to third time.

Then fourth grade felt even worse. And it just kind of almost at that point felt like torture. Like, you know, when they show those movies and the montages. And the kids, like the kids starts from here, then they slowly sink down and sink down. And that's, that's what elementary school and middle school felt like to me. Like it was just a montage passing by of symbols on the board that were the same symbols that I saw every year. If that makes sense for you. So it sounds like you were really stagnating.

Yeah. I tell people this. Now I say it a little less because I'm older and I, I don't like people's reaction to it because they almost don't believe me. But I feel like I haven't learned that. many new things since the second grade. That teacher, that school taught me so many things. And even though you add on to those as years go by, don't get me wrong. You do add on to them.

You do, it does become a little more complex. But all of those core things that they taught me, I didn't learn anything completely new. Like, just to back that up, I failed. every single English class after the third grade. Every single English class was a complete zero in the book. But every single high school exam, exit exam, college entrance, college exit, was always placed in the highest bracket, always. But I never did an essay past the third grade, technically, unless it was a test like that.

The big state test. Yeah. How do you understand that? adapt. What do you mean? How do you understand why you weren't able to do essays? Like you like it's such a discrepancy, right? Having a bunch of Fs on the books and doing really well on all the standardized measurements.

The way that I understand it was just, I mean, when I look back on it, a big thing for me was they wanted me to sit there in class, follow along, do the worksheets, which I would. I mean, I'd follow along as much as I could. But then they'd also want me to go home and spend hours at home and then do the essays at home, which is where most of your essays had to be done, unless they were on an exam. So I just think that I lack the discipline. If the teacher was not there making me do the repetitive stuff, I couldn't make myself do the repetitive stuff, unless it was like an exit exam where I wanted to do well because I don't want to be stuck there. I want to exit. Sure.

So that's what that was like my driving factor. Like, okay, I need to do this so that I can prove that I am ready to progress. Yeah. So I'm noticing a couple of themes. So let me just toss those out. And then I've got some questions for you. So the first is that, you know, there's a whole lot of ahead and behind. A head in some ways, behind in other ways.

and I think that sort of goes to the bittersweetness of it, right? Like that there's an out like you're clearly gifted in some angles, but you also seem to be like really struggling or even handicapped when it comes to others. Where it's sort of like, and I don't mean that in terms of disabilities, but I mean like like you're hamstrung, right? Like there are some things, like some situations in which it seems like you can't leverage what your gifts are to produce. something. Exactly.

Another thing that I'm noticing is that, you know, it's interesting because it seems like you really excel at being individually taught and also excel at teaching others. So as long as, you know, you're teaching or it's kind of weird because like even though you're failing the class, it seems like you can also tutor other kids in the material. It was always that way. Yeah. And so that, you know, I just, I'm not quite sure. where those are going to go, but I just kind of want to lay those out. I think a couple,

another interesting thing is that, you know, I heard you kind of mention this that, you know, you assumed that maybe you were a fuck up, maybe you'd wasted a lot of time. You're not sure if you wasted time. You're not sure if it was the right thing. You're kind of grateful for where things are now. At times, it seems like you really had a lot of self-judgment or maybe people judged you for your performance. I'm hearing that a lot in your story. And so, So I was hoping to kind of ask you some questions about that sort of stuff. But are there any themes that, you know, you think are particularly important or that you want to spend more time on or anything that I missed? No, that all is pretty aligned with how I felt.

And you do point out certain things like especially the judgment on myself and the judgment from others. one of the things I've tried to overcome in my adulthood is overcoming those bad negative doubts and judgments that I received a shit ton of it in middle school and high school from teachers. The way that these teachers would put me, they would be so mad at me for being in that. They actually like one of the teachers went out of her way to make sure I was taken out of program at a certain point because she was mad that I was failing her class. And I remember that that like really bothered me as a kid because I'm like, it's the one thing at school that I enjoy that I get to do and you're taking it because you're mad that, you know, about the class stuff, whatever, but at that point

I had given up on school and I was just like, you know, whatever, do what you got to do. I don't really give a shit. That's fine. But deep down, it was, it was this big struggle of like, man, she really went out of her way to be that small and petty. And this same exact teacher, one day I was in her class. And we were working, it was like a free day working in groups. And she's over at the front of the class on her desk. Me and my group were in the back doing our work. And we're all doing our work. But we start laughing. And I'm laughing with the other four kids laughing. And she goes, Samantha do

here you are laughing you're never going to be anything in life this is why you're never going to amount to anything and I was like and I just looked at my friends and I just looked back at her and I just started laughing

because I was like holy shit does she even know why we're laughing does she know what we're talking about does she know anything I mean some of these teachers and I have encountered a lot of bad ones, but not to say that I didn't encounter some amazing ones, but these bad teachers,

I mean, did not help my path in any way, shape, or form. And as an adult now, I look back on them and I, it's like shame on them. Like, that's disgusting, the type of things to say that to a kid. And there was another teacher in high school.

I didn't turn in an assignment one day. And he goes, well, the world's always going to need guard. garbage men, aren't we? And he said that very loud so that the class could hear it. And I was like, I mean, yeah, who's going to pick up your garbage? You know, but, and I always had to overcome these things that just because these authoritative figures are telling me it does not mean that it's true. And now in my adulthood, I constantly learn those behaviors. I tried to learn why someone said that to me. And I'm glad that I know now that most of the time, most of the time those things come from within, those teachers had their own issues and maybe shouldn't be in the positions that they're in if they're going to treat kids that way.

And those had nothing to reflect on me and who I am and what I'm capable of. Because when I was a kid, I did start to believe them at some point. Yeah, I'm noticing they said a lot of devastating things. Yeah. And actually the teacher that told me I was going to be a garbage man was one of my AP classes that the school kind of had to put me in because I tested into it. And I don't think he ever liked me for that because he felt like I didn't work my way into it or whatever. I tested into it. Sure. So I'm also kind of noticing that you're the nail that sticks out of the wall that sometimes people want to hammer back into place. Yeah.

Yeah. So, Adap, that's kind of, and I assume your name is Samantha. Yeah. Okay. I just clarifying. Yeah, I mean, hmm. Let me think for a second. Is that okay? Yeah, of course. Do you feel like people still try to take things away from you? Yeah. Can you tell us about that? I think that it's kind of common in people sometimes. I do try to surround myself with people that are not this way. But I do recognize when somebody feels some type of threat, even if I'm not doing that.

And I just pull back from them and then I'm like, okay. So first of all, I'm just going to cut you out. you know, like you're not going to be near me. But I do recognize that people do try and take things away, like my confidence. So a reason behind my name, Adept, the best. My original gamer tag is only Adept. That's what it's been since the beginning of time, like 10 years old, okay? But on Twitch, I used to go by AD underscore PT because Adept was already taken.

And I would notice a lot of people coming into my chat and just trying to shit on me constantly. But I noticed that what made them even angrier and what really made them confront themselves to a sense is when I wouldn't believe it, when I wouldn't accept the things that they were telling me. And so one day I was like, you know what, I need to rebrand because when you Google AD underscore PT, nothing comes to. up, but like some weird stuff. So I said, what am I going to do? And one day I was watching TV and there was a guy and his name was like Philip the best. And he was on the HGTV show, Flip or Flop.

And I was like, man, there's no way his real name is the best. Like I refuse to, this man went down to the courthouse and said, yes, sir, I would like to be called the best. And I go, if that's not some self-confidence type of level that I want to be on, I don't know what it is. So I was like, you know what? That's my rebranding name right there. I'm going to be adept the best. And I'm just going to act like I'm literally the best.

Because I got tired of doubting myself because of these things, you know, these statements and these devastating, I think you called it, like interactions with people. Like, no, I'm not going to embrace that anymore. I'm not going to embrace your. doubts and your limitations because they're not my doubts and limitations. I know what I'm capable of and I know what I want to achieve. I don't want to live within your boundaries anymore. And so that's where the name of death the best came from. Wow. I'm going to need a second to process all that. Can you give me an example of, so aside from sort of nebulous Twitter chat, is there a particular time more recently where you feel like people have sort of taken things away from you?

Aside from Twitch. Yeah, like aside from like Twitch chat specifically. Because I mean, Twitch hat shits on everybody, right? That's just how they show their love. Not in super recent time. Okay. Okay. So it sounds like you've really gotten adept at cutting out toxicity from your life.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. I think at this point I don't even give people the chance to become someone that takes something from me. I mean, I know that that might sound. a little crazy because we're all people and some of that stuff is bound to happen. But I'm not a person that has many friends. I think I have a very odd perception on friendships as a whole. Can you help me understand that? Yeah. So I don't feel like I'm somebody that needs friends.

I come from a very large family. I have a mom and dad that love me a lot that are my best friends. So I talk to them a lot. I have, you know, brothers, sisters, cousins. I just have so many people that have shown me what real love is that when I find friends that are not about real love and support, I don't want anything because why do we need to be friends then? Like my brain can't comprehend. Why do I need to be friends with you if you can't show me real love?

Like, because I do nothing but real love to people. If there's somebody that I feel like I don't necessarily like or love, I just try to avoid them. I don't go out of my way to befriend them. I have no attraction to doing that because I want, I think it's, I think there are so many people in this world that we can all be surrounded by people that we love that also love us. I think that. So I don't need the borderline baseline, baseline friendship type of thing. Sure, like the casual friendship. Yeah, yeah.

Like the, exactly. Hey, you, we should hang out sometime, sure, and it never happens. And then you run into them again and they're like, hey, we should hang out. When? Never. Great. Fantastic.

Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Do you feel lonely, adept? Uh, when I'm extremely sad sometimes, but usually no. Okay. Do you find yourself? Yeah.

I would like to just add that that has a lot to do with living in Texas because I have no family here. None. So that's hard for me. Okay. Do you find yourself sometimes envying people who are able to maintain like more loose friendships or have more friends? Absolutely not. Okay. Hmm.

So I'm at a little bit of a crossroads. adept. One is that, you know, I want to really learn more about kind of what your experience of growing up was. And then I also feel like, you know, when people come on stream, sometimes I'll try to kind of give them a different perspective. And there are some things that, you know, about the person that you've become that I'd like to kind of challenge some of the things that you've said. And the short answer is that like, so, for example, I wonder if there's value in reexamining some of your hard-earned conclusions. So I'll just kind of give you an example.

So I think that, you know, you've had like actually like a pretty fucking traumatic, interpersonal, scholastic kind of experience, right? And what tends to happen with the body and the mind is anytime like we get a wound, like we form scar tissue. And scar tissue is sort of like infirm. It doesn't bend. It's a little bit weaker, but it's protective. And so there are a lot of things that you're talking about, which I think sort of like make perfect sense.

I think they're very logical conclusions. I think that they're a way that you've learned how to be happy. And at the same time, I think it may be worthwhile to like kind of question them. And I'm a little bit curious if I say something like that, does it evoke a feeling in you that I'm trying to take something away from you? Okay. When you hear that, what's your, what's your emotional or instinctive reaction? When I hear what specifically? Just that I may want to challenge some of the conclusions you've come to.

Oh, I love it. I think an important thing to do is just always look at your behaviors. Is it the right thing to do? Is it healthy? Are you helping yourself? So I love it. And I'm not opposed to that at all. Can I, can you do me a favor?

Yeah. Can you let me know if you feel like I am trying to take something away from you? Or if I am sort of slipping into the role of like asshole teacher. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Please do that for me. If I step into that role, like you got to let me know.

You got to call me out on it. Okay. Is that cool? Okay. Yeah. So, okay, so you're okay with me challenging you a little bit. Yeah. Okay, so I'm still going to go back and ask you more questions, but I'm glad I have your

permission for that. And if something comes up, I'll let you know, okay? Okay. But let me just give you kind of one quick example of what I mean. So it sounds like, you know, you're quick to cut people out of your life and you're really close to your family. You're really close to, you know, having people that like, you're kind of, you're kind of, all in in your relationships, right?

So like, if people are like going to respect you and love you, then that's awesome. And you're going to respect and love them and that's awesome. Yeah, not really. I mean, I can cut people off quickly. But I'm also a believer in like finding a solution. I think so if somebody is willing to chill and work towards a solution, that's fine. but if they're showing me repetitive signs of just like I think it's important for someone to care about themselves first and foremost. And I feel like they don't even care about themselves,

then that takes time to recognize that type of thing. And so no offense, but if they're not a close friend of mine, yes, I do cut them out because I don't want to get sucked into those things because this is a whole process. Like if I try to give them perspective that I don't think they care about themselves, that I don't think they're doing things that are healthy for them. And they just ignore it and blow over it and act like it's fine and they're okay. I feel like, okay, well, I don't know. Like, I don't want to get sucked into doing the same thing. That sounds healthy. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it sounds like, you know, people, you're not going to kind of, I think actually a lot of people make this mistake where they like try to convince other people that they

have a problem. You know, and that, you know, toxicity towards you isn't really about you. It's really kind of coming from them. Yeah. I guess the one question that I have is like, how do you know that? Right. So like if you say, you know, this is toxicity coming from the other person. It's really like hatred on their part.

It really has nothing to do with me. How do you know when it has something to do with you and when it doesn't? I think it depends. Like, what are the things that they're actually saying to me? Like, I've had a friend before come to me and say, hey, this and this has happened. This is how it makes me feel. This is how the situation has evolved.

You know, like that type of discussion is a, I'm being toxic. What can I evaluate and change versus something that's more like projection? Like, I mean, projection is a literal word, I feel like. It literally projects at you. They're not discussing with you. They're not talking to you about it. It is projected at you. So that's how I know.

Yeah. So I see what you're saying. So you're able to sort of detect projection from another. person. And that's kind of how you know. And that if people sort of approach you in a mature manner, they're willing to kind of discuss and then you're willing to like, you know, if you guys have a discussion about it, you'll own the parts that you're doing wrong. They'll own the parts that they're doing wrong. That's a healthy relationship. Absolutely. Yeah. So can we go back to that teacher that worked really hard to get you out of their class? Yeah. Can you tell me what,

What, help me understand what they did that was so like, how do you know that they kind of worked really hard to get you out of their class, like went out of their way? She talked to me about it and she told me. What did she say? She said, I mean, first she threatened me. She said, just so you know, I have a meeting with this person and this person and this person. And, and, you know, she had her buddy, buddy teacher that was also, because at that school, you had a home room and then you had to swap with the teacher. next door. And then you'd go to your other classes. And so she had her buddy, buddy. And she goes, me and her, we feel the same way about you and blah, blah, blah. And in your notes throughout,

because in fifth grade, my teacher ended up becoming the principal later on. So what he did was he put it in my file some things that he felt personally towards me. And he sent it on to the next school. And then that carried on and over. So that. this was sixth, seventh grade where that teacher was doing this stuff. And so she was like, in your file, Mr. So-and-so said all this, blah, blah, blah, we're going to sit down. And I was like, okay, that's fine. You know, like I don't, I never gave in to these teachers. My mom always raised me where if adults have a child, like a problem with you, they need to speak to me.

It shouldn't be a thing where they're talking to you. So every time that these authoritative figures tried, like it always felt like an embarrassment attempt. And they were never going to do that to me because like my mom taught me better than that. So all it made me do was like they would teach me as they would treat me as though I was a kid that was there to harass their class and fuck everything up. I wasn't that type of student. I just didn't do my own stuff. Sure. But I wasn't the type of students.

to be like throwing stuff at her when she was churned around. Yeah, it wasn't disruptive in any way. Do you know what it said in your file? No, that I wasn't allowed to see. But that's what they did tell me. And I was told this by multiple people. So it's kind of hard to imagine it to be fake. So I think it totally makes sense that, I mean,

I think it's a terrible power dynamic to, you know, tell a fifth grader that you're coming for them. Yeah. I'm a hucking you down. Like, it sounds very like, like predatory. Yeah, I agree. And I think it's a really valuable lesson that your,

your mom taught you in something that it's, I'm happy you ingrained. I find myself being a little bit curious about, you know, what, what did they say to you though? So they just said that their meetings and like, what,

what were they trying? I mean, um, well, their whole thing was, you're not going to come to my class and not do my work that I give you. And then go off and, your gate program and then do everything there. So they were mad that I would do my stuff there

and not in their classes. And I tried to tell them, well, the difference between your class and that is I've been learning exactly what you're teaching for four years, but I've never learned this before. And this is fun and this exciting. So yeah, I do it. But they thought it was like, I don't know, they thought because we did arts and crafts sometime, like, like we learned about real actual artists and painters and stuff, they thought it was like some fun escape, you know, because she wasn't involved in the gate program. She's the shit teacher. They're not going to let her near there. Like, no offense, but they're never going to let her near there. So she had no idea what we actually did there, I guess. I mean, that's the only conclusion I could draw from it because she,

she treated me like it was like some escape to have fun. And I'm like, it's not, it's fun, but we learn. We're learning important things. Yeah. So I'm just a little bit curious, like, if I play devil's advocate for a second, I'm just thinking about, you know, if I have a student who's failing my class and then there's like the curriculum and then there's the extracurriculum, I could see an argument for saying like, oh, like, you know, they shouldn't be doing extracurricular stuff. I don't think it's a good argument. But I could definitely see like a perspective where it's like sort of like if there's extracurricular stuff and curricular stuff, you know, if you're after school, if you're failing your classes and you're going and doing stuff, like,

it would actually be in your best interest to focus on passing the class. Right. So you wanted me to tell you when you were being like the asshole teacher, that's what they did to me constantly. That's exactly what the principal and the other teachers would tell me about her. And it's like, that's fine then. I don't like you guys have your pact. That's cool.

That's fine. But the difference is and that they all should have understood is that it's extracurricular that is more advanced. that is more challenging, that teaches them something new. That shows a problem in our current curriculum then. Because if she was learning new different things all day, she would be fucking doing it. That was the issue that I had with them is that I don't want to continue to learn the same.

It's not even, sometimes I would want to learn. Sometimes I would sit there and I'd get so mad at myself, why am I not paying attention? Why am I not able to do this? Why can I sit down and do it for hours on end? Sometimes I would get as frustrated as them and myself. But the thing is, when it came to challenging things and always keeping the ball moving, I had no problems. I didn't suffer those same curses.

It wasn't the same. Sure. So can I ask you? So did you feel like I was being an asshole teacher in that moment? Or was I just saying the things that they said? You're just literally mirroring the things that they would say. And how did you? So it sounds like, let me just think for a second, try to process what you just said.

And so what you're saying is that like it wasn't about it being extracurricular or not extracurricular. It was just since school was so old for you, the extra stuff was actually like new things that you could actually learn. So if people presented you with like the opportunity to learn, you'd do it. But if they just presented you with the opportunity to like repeat old shit. like you wouldn't do it. I would get very frustrated. It's not that I would look at it and go, oh, I've done this before.

That's not the problem. The problem is they would sit there on the board for an hour or two out, however long they would sit there. Then I would know that I have to go home and do that work that she just made me rewatch for the million time. And I wouldn't even open it

because I'd be so frustrated. Like it was hard for me because I'd be like, why am I doing this? What's happening? I couldn't grasp it. You couldn't grasp why you couldn't do the work? Why I had to keep doing it again.

Okay. It was like a dreadful feeling deep down. Like, I have to open that book and do it all again. You know, like that's what I have to spend my time on. And the thing is that it would be a lot. It would be a lot of it. It's not like it was just three, four questions. It would be a ton of it.

And for me as a kid, that was very hard. it was like, I dread the fact that I have to go back there, do it again, do it tomorrow. Like, I would think that way. Sounds like you were trapped. I have to do it all week. That's what it felt like. Trapped sort of in this like prison of like wrote boring schoolwork. That's what it felt like.

Like it felt like punishment. So it was hard for me to want to do it because they just felt like I was being punished all the time. Yeah. Help me understand that. When did you start to feel like school was punishment? like sixth grade for sure because fourth and fifth grade it was still kind of like okay this sucks but you know it'll get better especially once I go to a new school sixth grade's supposed to be harder it's supposed to be new ideas new things but then the stuff that wasn't new it was just like

like it felt as though math and and I love math I love math with like my whole heart. It just felt like English and math and mostly those were our core subjects that we had to spend most of our time on. And then we were allowed to go learn new and explore new things and be taught new. Because even in sixth, seventh grade, like here's what my day looked like. I had to start with English and I think maybe history, which I'm not a big history person, but I still did it.

It was okay. Then I'd have to go to math and science, but it was in that order. So I would do the English stuff that I've been learning the whole time, reading, and the thing is a lot of kids were behind, like my reading level.

So it'd be kind of frustrating to know that I was the one being picked on by teachers, but I'm the one that knows how to read. So why the fuck do I have all the attention on me if I'm the one that knows how to read? like why aren't they helping them? Why so that we can all move on and progress and not have to do these same things over and over again.

And sounds like you were really kind of persecuted, which is strange because you knew how to read. I mean, it felt like it, yeah. And you know, you know when the teacher, they raised, then they go, can anybody answer this? We're not moving on until anybody answers it. Can anyone answer that? I would always be the one to speak up and answer it

so that we could all move on do something else. Like I would always help the teacher. And when I saw them frustrated, I always tried to help them. But when they saw me frustrated, it was like, oh, you're a bad kid. And I hated that. But so it would be repetitive, repetitive, repetitive. And then PE. And then I had an electronics class. So I learned how to make circuit boards and things like that. And and then we had some other type of, you know, elective, random class. So it was like prison. prison, prison, prison, okay, now we get to learn. Okay, now we get to be kids.

Now we get to do something. Adept, I'm sensing a lot of strength, but also like strength that's built on a mountain of hurt. Yeah, I feel like that's where all my strength comes from is just being like shit on and stifled all the time. That's where I feel like it comes from. That's so sad. Got to do what you got to do.

That's also a very sad sentiment, right? It's sad and I've cried about it and I've been sad over it. But at the same time, it's just what happened. I can't change what happened. I can't change those people and how they stifled me. I could only change how that affects me and what I do with that. And that's it. That's all that I'll focus on.

Does it need to change? No. But I'm just saying, I... The change where it needs to happen is how we teach children, how we encourage children. And I believe in that so much that I actually taught basketball for seven years. And I only taught youth basketball. And I would make sure that if they were struggling in school, if they were struggling at home, whatever, in basketball, I was there. I taught them.

I helped them. I gave them every piece of guidance and advice. And, you know, self-confidence, self-assurance, everything that I could. And, I mean, my teams did very well. And they loved each other. They loved me. I loved them. And it was great seven years.

That sounds awesome. You know, it's interesting because we always think that, you know, the best way to, like, learn something good, like, the best way to be a good teacher is to study under good teachers. But I think sometimes the best way to learn how to be a good teacher is to have bad teachers. I certainly know that I learned a lot about how I teach and learn medicine. I learned a lot about how I teach medicine from bad teachers. It's like you have a teacher. You're like, I am never going to do that. That is terrible.

And not only that, but I loved my community where I grew up. It's a little town in Southern California. and I was like, I don't want these kids to feel the way that I felt. And so I'm going to make sure that my community is like evolving from the ground up. Like it's my turn now. I'm the adult. I'm going to be the one that goes in there and teaches them the way that I wish that I was taught the way that these teachers taught me, not the way that these ones taught me.

Yeah. So Adep, let me ask you a question. So it sounds like, you know, a lot of your strength kind of comes from the idea that these teachers were wrong, right? That they were projecting. So what would happen if it turned out that those teachers were right? I mean, I guess that would mean that I had given up. It means that I would have finally succumbed to their doubts,

like just be a subject, just be a pawn of their doubts. I don't know how to put that into words. Yeah, so what I'm saying is that it's not that you would have been a pawn of their doubts, but that their doubts were accurate, right? What do you think would happen to you in the way that you view yourself? I don't know. So I have a weird kind of thing for you to think about. So what if I were to tell you that nothing would happen if they were right? Because here's the one thing that kind of rubs me the wrong way about your story of strength. So I think you're a very strong person. I think you're clearly a good teacher. I think you're clearly gifted. I think that

you've had to deal with a lot of pain and hardship. And yet, there's a part of me that just feels like that that's you. And that whether people doubted you or didn't doubt you, your strength is your own. And that your strength exists in spite. So your strength kind of grew out of the fertilizer of like frustration and doubt. Right. And there's a part of me that says that like that's actually. actually sort of, I mean, that's true, but that actually like, let's say, let's take your basketball

kids, for example, so that your teachers don't have to be wrong about you for you to give what you did to your basketball teams, right? They can even be right. And like, they can even have a point. And just because they're right doesn't actually change anything about you. Well, I mean, exactly, which is why when you asked me, what if they were right? I mean, I don't think anything of that because I think regardless, I still would have been the person that I am one way, shape, or form. Maybe I just have different trauma. That's it. I don't like my brain, I can't even really process what you mean with that type of question. Like, oh, what if they were right? Well, I mean, I don't, I'm here. This is the life that I'm in. So it's like my brain can't even wrap my head around your question.

That, I think, makes me really happy. So I think that's sort of like, so here, so I'll just, can I just share a couple of random thoughts, adept? Yeah. So the first thing is that I think you have something that we see a lot, which is sort of like a reactive ego. So like your ego and your sense of self is built out of kind of like defiance of projections of the others.

And at the same time, so there's like, there's a sense of identity that's like, fuck you guys. I'm not going to let you determine who I am, which is good. But I would even, I would argue that that's still ego. And at the end of the day, that's, I know it sounds weird, is unhealthy. And then there's your genuine strength, which is not built out of defiance of anything, but it's built out of like love and care and like wanting to create it like a good life for other people. And the funny thing is that I see both in you. I see a very genuine strength.

I see a very genuine capability. I think we've seen it actually all along in the stories of like you teaching other kids where you knew what your worth was. Right. And then parallel to that, we have this really common, I mean, this is just how things work. So like when, you know, when teachers are threatening you in the fifth grade, that they're going to come hunt you down and they've written things in your file and it'll be there forever. So our psychology has a very natural way of responding to that because you don't know your real strength that. time, right? And so until you grow up and you understand what your real value is, you form this

sort of protective ego, which is like, oh, like, that's them projecting, which is like kind of interesting because, like, you know, the tricky thing about blaming someone else for projecting is that it gives you a perfect pass against all criticism. Now, it sounds that you're, it sounds like you actually genuinely get around that because if someone approaches you in a respectful manner and has something critical to say, you're very open-minded about it. And that, I think, comes from your genuine strength. But there's this sort of like, it's weird because you actually have a lot of genuine strength where you're open-minded, you're really confident in who you are, you're willing to accept criticism, you try to be better. You know, you try to live up to like the responsibilities

that you have in your authentic relationships. All is good. And this is really strange because bizarrely, I also notice notes of this other thing, which is kind of, yeah. I don't have the same perception on ego. I know that people tell me a lot like, oh, ego this, ego that. I don't have the same perception. And I don't, you know, I don't, I would help anyone do anything that I have done. I want to help anyone get over all the hurt that I have come over, to get over all of the self-doubt, the insecurities, the whatever it is.

I use my Twitch all the time to share how I got over all of those things. So you can tell me I have an ego all that you want, and not just you, but like anyone in this world can say that I have ego, I have this side of me that is, like, it is more of like a facade because I'm on Twitch, because of everything. Yes, there is that ego part that will not let you get through to the genuine strength, the real person, because you don't have to do that. Like, I get very disappointed in people that project that try to tear something down or whatever.

It's like, why are you doing that? You don't have to do that here. You know, you don't have to do it anywhere, but especially not here when you talk. to me and you don't need that. Wait, I'm, can, that was really, I have so many questions. Can you help me understand what, so when you say that. I talk a lot. I'm sorry.

No, I love it. I think it's great. I'm so curious about, because I, I think, Adept, you've really wrangled with this stuff for so long. I'm, I really want to understand, you know, what you've learned through these struggles. So when you say that, that, that, you know, you understand that there's an e. go, what are you hearing me say? And what's your perspective on ego?

Why don't we start there? Just tell me how do you understand ego? So, I mean, I think that there's, there is ego. And I know, I know when someone's being egotistical. And I understand that. And I know that I have behaviors that are egotistical. I understand that. What's an example of a behavior that's egotistical real quick,

just so we're on the same page? Um, the only thing I think of it was like gaming or something. So I mean. Get wrecked shitties when you're. No, like like, like even harder than that, you know, like I get reg shitty. I'm just messing with you. But if I tell you that I would one be one wipe your ass like fucking on any floor in any game ever in the history of games, you wouldn't be able to touch me.

I genuinely mean it. And I am being agitistical. I don't care. Even if I'm wrong. I don't care. You're, it's going to happen. Like, we'll figure it. out, you know. So that's ego, I guess, sure. Because I do get angry and I will tell that to people.

Good. Good for you. Yeah. So that is ego. But the thing is my sense on ego is I don't bring that egotistical side that those things out until I see somebody trying to threaten to get in. Yeah. So let me clarify a little bit, okay? So you're using the word ego and you're also using the word egotistical and I should have explained a little bit better. Sure. So I'm kind of operating using the yogic term ego, which is like an identity or a sense of identity that is actually built up around the core of who you are and is by definition false. So we all have ego. It's a function of the mind. It's like one of the parts of mind. It's like emotion. Like we all have an identity. The technical term is the Sanskrit term ahamkar, which means the sense of I or the eye feeling. So when I, for example, wake up and I say I'm a doctor or I am a Twitch streamer or when you say you are a woman, that is like an attribute of your being, which is technically not true. So like, I'm not, I mean, I could say I'm a doctor and society could think I'm a doctor, but like if you dissect me, you're not going to find a doctor anywhere.

Right? It's like a construction. Does that make sense? A little. Okay. So like, for example, anyway, so I'll let me explain, let me just think about how to explain this. So we all have attributes of our identity. And, and like in ancient India, like the yogis believed that like none of the attributes of our identity actually define who we are. So if I were to ask you a debt, are you a failure? what would your answer be? No. Okay. Did you fail out of high school? Yes. Then how are you not a failure? I don't know. Exactly. Because you're not a failure, right?

So that's an attribute which you're in your truest sense of self. You actually aren't a failure. Like just because you're fucking teachers, like just because you dropped out like that's, it's all a fucking mental construction that you can't, like sure, you can find an F on a transcript somewhere on a piece of paper, but that's not who you are, right? And so the yogi is sort of figured out that like we can have all of these attributes that we can apply to our lives and our identity, but none of those are our true self. And what I'm, and this is the thing that I think is so bizarre is that you sometimes think,

and I think the ego is a protective mechanism. So the yogis also say this, that the ego is basically there to tank for us from like damage. And so the ego starts to develop whenever we take damage. i.e., when you're a fifth grader and, you know, teachers are like hunting you and you're feeling trapped and you're feeling dread, like ego is what protects you, right? Like ego is like what steps forward and says, you don't understand me. Everything that you're saying is wrong. I am not what you think I am.

I am something else. And when you say to yourself, I am something else, that is the ahamkar. That is the ego. If you say to yourself, I am a success or I am a failure, those are both the yogic ego. Because when someone says, I am a failure, like that's not egotistical, but it's part of like the yogic concept of ego. Does that make sense? Yeah. Okay.

And so this is the wild thing is that when people attack you, your ego steps forward. But I think what would actually be like really amazing is that if it didn't. because actually when they attack you, what's on the inside is really where your strength comes from. And that actually can't be touched by them. And you don't even need your ego to protect. Right. So the thing is, though, I mean, as a kid,

those things penetrated. Yep. Those things were believed. Yep. Now that I look back on them, like I don't really have an ego when I talk back on these teachers. I think that I genuinely understand why they were the way that they were. And I've come to accept it. Do I think that it's wrong? Yes. Do I think that that there are teachers that are better than that, that know better than that? Yes, that these ones were just wrong. And not wrong about me, but wrong with their behaviors and how they handle their,

authority. And so yes, and the thing is, I spend most of my time on Twitter. So yes, I would like for them to only hit the ego because they're never going to get to the inside. Like, it's just not going to, I know that you think that it's like a great, beautiful thing or whatever, but on Twitch it's just not going to happen. Unless it's someone that I actually care about. What's not? going to happen. They're not going to, I'm not going to step the ego aside for people on Twitch. Yeah. When you say it like that, that sounds like a good idea to me. Yeah. I just wanted to make that clear. Like, yes, I agree with you, but like it has to be someone I care about for the ego to step aside, not. Let me just like about that, because I may need to rethink my approach. It's a good point.

because I think I think egos are the best part of Twitch Me too I love when someone has an ego Yeah I think it's hilarious Something tells me that that you know the best parts of your stream or when you're like I will 1B1 you in any game

anytime anywhere and I will shit all over your face I mean some of us think it's funny But I get a lot of hate for it so whatever I try not to do it because I know that ultimately it's like those things come from someone getting me angry about the dumb shit they spew out of their mouths and it just makes me look bad. Like, oh my God, I can't believe she treats her chat like that.

Oh my fuck. Like, no, that's not my chat. That's some idiot that came in and shouted something dumb. Like that two different things, but that's fine. So, hmm. All right. Let me take maybe just, maybe we can explore this just a little bit further.

And if it doesn't get anywhere, because you've really given me pause and I really have to rethink a lot of, what I was thinking earlier. But let's take kind of one more stab at it, if that's okay with you. Sure. So you were saying that the reason that you had to develop that ego is because it did sink in and it did hurt back then.

Yeah. Yes. Right. So there were dreams that I didn't accomplish because I believe that I was a failure. There were things that I didn't even attempt because I believed that I was a failure. So why do you need the ego now? Um, it's just kind of for play. It's not real.

It's just for play. It's like, you know, when I see somebody struggle so hard to attack me or anything that I'm worth, I'm just like, oh, well, here's my time to play. Okay. So I can get behind that. I'm going to offer a hypothesis to you. And I'm curious what you think about it. So the hypothesis is that any time the ego arises, it's because something does hurt. that the two are interconnected.

So just like it arose when you were a child to protect you from the things that they said and the hurt that they said, if it arises today, it's because it's still protecting something that's hurt. Right. But the thing is, like, I can get over that hurt. I, at the end of the day, I'll always remind myself who I am and what I'm capable of. I've worked very hard at that. So, yes, it'll hurt in the moment and it will hurt a little.

But I will find a way past that hurt, past those weaknesses. I will evolve and make them better, right? But the thing is, so yes, the ego will come out. But that's because I recognize that attack. It's like a laser focus in like this person is trying to attack. Like, you know, so that's, yeah, the ego comes from a place because it's like, why are you trying to hurt me right now? What is your problem?

Why are you trying to hurt me? What did I do? Why is this happening? That makes a lot of sense. The ego is the one that asks, why are you trying to hurt me? No, the real me. But the ego goes, the ego is out there like, oh, like, well, let's get into it. Like, let's play.

Like I said earlier, let's play. Let's play the game. Love it. Okay. Because I was about to say, because that other question doesn't sound like ego. Like, why are you trying to hurt me right now? That doesn't sound like ego at all. No, that's the real me.

That's the real me being upset. Like, why are you? you trying to hurt me? Like one thing that I hate is that hurt people, hurt people. I wish it was not that way desperately. So I try not to hurt people with my hurts ever. If I know that there's something that hurts me or would hurt me, I don't like to say it to people. That's why I come up with something like, I'd fuck your dad. Because you know what? My mom and my dad have sex. It makes me very happy. So you know what? If someone's mad that their dad's having sex, that's weird. You know what I mean? Like, just something like, it's just play. It's just all games. Like, hey, you, oh, you think I'm

ugly? Well, guess what? I'll fuck your dad. Okay. Just show your mouth. That's what I tell people. Like, I don't want to tell them like, oh, you think I'm ugly. Like, I know what you look like. That big old forehead of yours ain't doing no help. You know, like something like that. I don't enjoy that. You just lost me there. I'm very. confusing. It's okay. I acknowledge. No, I think you're actually incredibly lucid. I mean, you just, I think that has more to do with me. That's due to you. So the real me wants to know why would you ever want to hurt someone the way that you are hurt, the way that you've been hurt. But the ego will step in because I'm on Twitch or I don't have fucking time for this right now.

You need to go deal with your own issues. So the ego will come out. and fuck with you the way that you think you're fucking with me because you're not fucking with me. The only person who's going to hurt later on later is you because I'll get over mine. And if you don't get over yours, that's your own problem. Gotcha. That makes a lot of sense, man.

Do you feel like you're ahead or behind still? All the time. I mean, I live on Twitch. So how could you not feel that you're behind? I think every streamer feels like they're behind. They're behind on hours. They're behind on minutes. they're behind on this, that like always.

What if I were to tell you that ahead or behind is also things, that concept grows out of the ego? Well, just to offer more information, I don't want to live in ahead or behind. I am tired of those concepts. I recognize that those have been an issue for me is to feel like, oh, I'm ahead, I'm behind, I'm bad. Because you're not always ahead.

like you're just not. It's something that happens. Like there's always someone, right? I live in America, so there's always somebody going ahead and ahead and ahead. So I hate living in ahead and behind. And I've learned from my beginning on Twitch, this was like five years ago, not to compare myself to others. But to not compare myself, I need to stop living in ahead and behind.

So this is something very new for me, but it is something that I'm working at, just to let go of like, okay, that and that. And just keep evolving and doing what the best things for me are to do and just focus on that. So, Adap, do you seem very evolved to me? Yeah, I think so too. And I think this is maybe the one thing where the reason I keep on heart, because I don't think you're egotistical. I hope you're not hearing that. But I do think that so ahead and behind your concept. So here are the functions of ego. So ego compares. So anytime you compare yourself to another person, that is a function of the ego. This is not like egotistical or being an asshole or anything like that. It's like literally the function of comparison happens in the part of your mind that is a hum god or ego.

Okay. So I think if you really want to be free from ahead or behind, you need to be free of your ego. And I think you're halfway there. It's just, it's hard because I think you sometimes, I don't think you're quite in control of it as much as you're suggesting. So actually, that's not true. So I think I would really bet money that there are times where it gets away from you, which is true of all human beings. So it's like my ego? Yeah. So I think that there's still, so you call yourself a debt to the best.

And so I think that there's still like a part of you that, you know, if you really think, about it, like, that's a name that belies confidence, but if you're really confident, you don't need to call yourself the best. Right. Right. So I think that this is where it's bizarre because I see these things happening in parallel. I don't think you're insecure. I think you're actually remarkably secure. And this ego still persists.

And all of this ahead and behind thinking moves you away from your true self and actually feeds the ego. And the more that the ego is there, the more the ahead and behind is there. It looks like you've got something to say, go for it. Because I live my life on Twitch. I don't live anywhere else. As crazy as that sounds just in this moment in time, I live my whole life on Twitch. The name was never supposed to be confidence.

The name was always ego. So the name will always be ego. And the persona will always be ego. But it's not who I really, really am to my core. I can believe those things in a secure way, in a confident way. And I do. But the ego is. what will come out and get out of control when I'm into it in bad circumstances or whatever,

this or that. But because I live on Twitch, I don't interact with many people in real life. I don't, I just don't really interact with people. I don't care. I love it. I, I, I interact with my parents. I interact with my family. But my family does not try to attack me or, or, you know, down, like, belittle me. They don't try those things. So, I mean, I don't know. I have Felix. Felix lives here.

He talks to me every day. He doesn't try to put me down or attack me or belittle me. And he understands a Twitch world. He understands my lifestyle. So, and I have a couple friends, excuse me. Oh, okay. We lived together for about three, three years. And so I have friends in real life.

Like Melina has become one of my real life friends. And I have friends from high school, I have two, but one of them I just don't talk to anymore. And the other one I'm starting not to talk to anymore. And that has a lot to do with because our schedules don't add up, our lifestyles don't add up, just they're into some bad behaviors that I don't feel comfortable talking about on stream. and I'm okay with distancing myself from those people,

even though they meant a lot to me in my past, and they are my best friends. And like I see them and I talk to them and I hang out, but they're not trying, like, I don't interact with humans. I don't go to work and deal with people that they don't like. Even at the grocery store, I don't interact with people. Here's your card. Here's your bags.

Goodbye. Like, that's it. Like, I don't know. I don't mind it. I don't see anything. I think it's a fun and joyful thing. I wish that there were things I could do that would put me in interaction with more people. Like I wish I could go play like local softball or local community college.

But with coronavirus right now, I just can't. But I do kind of wish that I could do that. But I know that I'll do it in time. So it's fine. Yeah, I think Adeptus or anything I can help. help you with? Yes, but nothing that I feel comfortable talking on stream, that's for sure. Okay.

Because it's interesting because I mean, I appreciate the story that you're telling, but I find myself sort of digging. Like, like the reason I started talking about ego and stuff is because I feel like there's something, like I don't understand, you know, what the problem is. I'd agree with the one that started talking about ego, not me. I know, I know. because that's that's the best I could come up with. Yeah.

No, I mean, your people reached out and they were like, hey, do you want to come on Dr. Kay? And I was like, oh, putting all my mental issues out into the world. And I was like, no, like, I don't want to, you know, do that. That's, that's fair. So I was like, the only thing that I'd really care to talk about on stream would be, you know, like sharing my, it was just kind of sharing an experience and open, discussing it with you.

It wasn't necessarily seeking help for anything regarding those things. I get that. And that's totally fine. It's just I figured like, you know, at this point in the conversation, having talked to you for a while, I sort of went down the ego road just to, because like I said, I don't think you've got a problem with it. It was just because I think it's like you're a really good example of someone who has confidence and ego.

And the way that you talk about it makes perfect sense. Like I think very few people understand when you say, adapt the best is ego. that's not me. Like, that makes perfect sense. Right. So, so you're someone who's really understood that, like, there's a difference between the self and the ego. And the ego is like a program that, like, you turn on your computer and then it does particular things. And then you can, like, turn it off. It also makes perfect sense to me that, like, you know, the ego, you make a really strong argument for the ego being, like, a necessary part of Twitch, which frankly, it's a necessary part of life. So, like, if you really have no ego, like, you use. You know, you know, you know,

suck at the game of life because you won't advocate for a promotion. You won't advocate for, you know, all kinds of things to, like, advance your worldly life. You know, I do think that a lot of, the real place to grow, I think, for you is just that to recognize, like, if I could give you one bit of information, we don't have to get more into it. But just this ahead and behind thing, just so you understand, it's part of ego. So, so that if you really want to be free from sort of like the shackles of ahead and behind, ego dissolution techniques or further restraining the ego is going to be like how you free yourself from that. But you figure out most of it on your own.

Like that ego is comparison and things like that. For me, my worry would be how do I live without a head and behind? Like, how do I stay focused? You know what I mean? Yep. Yeah. That would be my worry when it comes to losing this thing. So this is where your worry is good because, in a sense, like, there's actually like some evidence to suggest that if you lost ahead and behind, you would fail.

You just wouldn't care because it's all. I could easily just sit in the couch, sit, lay in bed all day and just eat garbage and not do anything, not go to work, not stream, not do it. like shit all, I can easily do that. But, but that's, it's not quite the same. So like, can I tell you a quick story? Yes. So this is one of my favorite stories about Buddha. So, Buddha was a prince.

And, like, what happened. So Buddha's story kind of starts out. So he's like a prince and he's like loved and respected and all this good stuff. And when he was born, there was an astrologer that came and told his dad the king. He said, okay, your son is either going to be. one of the best kings that the world has ever seen, or he's going to be one of the best, like, monks or priests or, you know, holy men that the world has ever seen. And so his king is like, well, his dad is like, well, fuck that.

I don't want him to be like some holy man. Like, I want him to be like a king, you know, because he's my son. And that's his job. So what he does is he tries to protect his son from like all the things, like all the negativity in the world. So he sort of, you know, doesn't expose Buddha to anyone who's sick. anyone who's old or anyone who's dead. And one day, Buddha sneaks out of the palace and he kind of sees, he's like walking around. And then he sees like someone who's like old.

And then he's kind of like, he's with his bodyguard. And so he's like, what's up with that guy? That guy's like, his face is all funny looking and his hair is a different color. And then his bodyguard is like, oh, that dude's old. And Buddha's like, what does that mean old? What does that word mean? And they're like, oh, like, this is what happens to people as they like, you know. And so he explained.

And then Booth's like, what the fuck? This is crazy. You know? Yeah. Sounds like a bug, not a feature. And then he kind of goes on. He sees someone who's sick. And he's like, what the hell is wrong with that guy?

He's like making this weird no. Like there's stuff coming out of his nose and like, he's making this weird noise. And then they're like, oh, he's sick. And he's like, Buddha is like, what's that? Right. And then he sees someone who's dead. He's like, what the fuck is wrong with that guy? That guy's not even moving.

And he smells bad. And then his bodyguard's like, oh, that dude's dead. And Buddha is like, what is what is that? And so then Buddha goes back and he's like, oh, shit, I didn't realize. And then he's like, really has this crisis. And he's like, I don't know what is going on here. And he's unhappy. So he decides that he's going to leave.

And then his dad is like, fuck. And the very thing that he tried to prevent, he ended up sort of creating. And then Buddha travels around for a long time. And he kind of abandons this like worldly life because he's like, this doesn't make any sense. And he goes and he seeks for enlightened and he becomes enlightened. And then many years. And then what he does is he travels around. India like a poor person. So he's like, you know, sitting on his couch all day. He just kind of

wanders around. He has no possessions or anything like that. He like teaches. People ask him for help. He like helps when he can. But he's kind of just chilling, right? He's just viving. And then one day he goes back to his old capital city because he's just making touring around India. And he's walking down the street and who he sees is his ex-wife and his son. And and then, you know, they lock eyes and the ex-wife is like, fuck you. You know, how dare you? You abandoned me and you abandoned your son. And she's like, I can, I can handle that you abandoned me. I've gotten over it. I'm a strong woman, much like yourself, adept. And she says, I can, I can handle it for myself, but like you've really let your son down. And it's a father's responsibility to take care of their son. Because he had sort of failed his duties as a consequence of his enlightenment. So you're totally right. That like, that's what happens. And so then Buddha says, you know what? You're right. That it's like even as an enlightened person, like, even as an enlightened person, like, I still have duties. And that you're correct, that I've abandoned you, even though I don't have ambition,

I still have duties. And so he says to his wife, he's like, you know, I'm going to fix that right now. So you say that it's a father's responsibility to give their son the best of what they have and like pass along their inheritance. And so let me fix that right now. Like your son's like 13, 14 at the time. So he's like, why don't you let him come with me? And then he holds up his begging bowl.

And he's like, I'll give him mine. This is what he has. And I'll teach him how to be a broke monk and we'll travel together. And then his wife is like, fuck you, never. Yeah. You can take your begging bowl and go. So you're actually kind of right that like, you know, in a sense, it can be hard to lose your ego. Any thoughts about the story, by the way?

Or should I just keep going? I would love if you kept going with it. I mean, I mean, the story, I understand. I get it. My only thought is like, well, yeah, but then, you know, he didn't pay his bills either. He didn't do anything. You're damn right. And that's what the story.

I mean, you're concerned is spot on because that's what, like, but literally he didn't pay his bills. He's just like up and left, right? No alimony. No child support. You know, it turned out okay because his, you know, his wife happened to be a queen. Yeah. And so his stress me out less is what it stresses me out for. Yeah, because adept, this is what I'm trying to tell you is that your instincts are not wrong.

Your instincts are right. And that's your fucking problem. You figured all the shit out on your own. Yeah. Right? That ego is comparison and ahead and behind is comparison. And absolutely. And so you should be worried.

It turns out that there is a way. And that's to think a little bit. So let me tell you, let me ask you this. So your performance with these kids in their basketball league, right? Was ego involved there at all? Yeah. Yeah, with the other coaches.

because one of the coaches would do some very weird stuff. Like he ended up getting, this is just like a local girl city league. And he was getting like four girls from his travel ball team. And I was like, listen, dude. And I told him, I was like, I don't know why you're doing that. We're still going to beat you. And we did. We did beat him.

And so I was like, okay, like good luck, I guess. But so yeah, ego came out there with the other coaches, but not with my girls. Yeah. And so let me ask you something. Like, did you succeed or fail with your girls? We succeeded. We won the championship, like, more than not. And when we didn't, we were in second place.

So, yeah. So, but how did you attain that success without ego? Well, it's their success. It may have been my, it was me teaching them and helping them and guiding them, but it was their success. It's not my success. Yeah. So that's beautifully put. And that's the answer.

Right? So like this is where when you do something out of service, you can still have success. It's good that you note that it's not your success. So people look at healthy game and they're like Dr. K is successful. I don't really think so. It's not my success. This is a big thing that no one understands. Right?

So this is where ambition is of the ego. And if you're worried about not being able to pay your bills, if you lose your ambition and you lose your ego. The answer is like that's a valid concern. And you can still sort of be successful in a sense, which is just through something called like it's through service. Right. So like when you set the goal as not being successful,

but you're saying, hey, there are these girls and I want to teach them confidence. I want to teach them that they have value. I want to show them that they can do anything that they put their mind to. When that is your compass, you will be able to pay your bills. Yeah. that's good. I'm happy. I feel like I feel like I'm on the right path. It's just like a reassurance.

Yeah. And that's true. So you can let go. This is where it's scary because thinking about ahead and behind is how is the playbook you've been using to become successful on Twitch. And it can be scary to let go of ahead and behind. But what I'm telling you is that ahead and behind causes psychological torture and may lead to success. And it is my belief that. you can try to make the world a better place and let go of success and you'll be successful anyway. I feel like to an extent my biggest successes in the moments I'm most proud have come from a place that knows that. Yeah. Because like I said, I do talk to people a lot. I share a lot of insight. I share my struggles and how I overcame them. And those were my great successes. And that's what I try to focus more on. Like my head and behind comes from myself, not like, yes, other streamers sometimes, but I try to stifle that when I notice it happening, but mostly myself.

Yeah. Yeah, I think that's, that's, so I think, like I said, I think you figured most of this stuff out on your, it's quite amazing. Thank you. You know, for what it's worth, if you ever wanted to learn formal spiritual practice, I think, actually, let me think about this. Yeah, I was going to say, I think you'd be good at it, but I'm not so sure. I know this sounds weird, but actually I think that I don't know if you should learn from someone

is what I mean. I think you're doing a good job of learning from yourself. And if anything, it could be hard to learn from someone. I've learned from everyone. I've learned from many, many sources that I could think of like at any given time. I know who taught me what and when. But with what you mentioned, I actually got a meditation singing bowl, I think they call it. I got it yesterday and I used it.

And it was really nice. It's one of my new favorite things. Up on the top right. I think I just figured out what we're going to do. Do you want to learn some meditation today? Sure. Okay. Yeah.

Any like closing thoughts or questions? I mean, I feel like, you know, I loved hearing your story. I don't really have much else to say. No, I'm happy to share it. And I feel, I just, you know, I think it's important to share all of our stories. And I think it's meaningful. And I hope that I didn't come on here with the guys of you thinking you're going to help me. Yes, I'm always open to help, but I didn't mean to, like, mislead you.

I told them what I wanted to talk about. So I don't feel misled. It's hard to be misled when you have no expectations. Cool. You know, for what it's worth, adapt, you're partnered with Twitch. So, you know, if you do have things that you want to talk about more privately, first of all, good, good for you for setting up an evaluation or like meeting a psychologist or therapist. You know, that's a really good place to talk about things with. You don't have to talk about stuff on stream for sure.

We just actually, so Twitch is actually sponsoring our creator coaching program. So I think three years ago, I think Twitch, Twitch, Twitch, Twitch, Twitch, Twitch, Twitch, Twitch, Twitter, Twitch asked their content creators, what can we do for you? And the two things that the creators, they said three things. One is that we need to figure out how to pay taxes. And so Twitch was like, okay. And then the second thing was, I think some people wanted some training in like stage presence or like more formal, you're smiling.

Is this? No, I love it. Taxes. It's a big meme in our household. Taxes. We never escape them. And then the third thing that they asked for was mental health. support, but it seems like it was hard for people to, you know, Twitch sort of set up this thing

where you guys can get, you have discounts with like talk space or better help or something, and then they give you guys access to certain apps and whatnot. But thankfully, they've decided to actually try to support their content creators. So you can sign up for that program. It's private. Yeah. And stuff like that. So you can give that a shot if you want to. For sure. I would love that. And then, yeah. So you. can, you know, check that out. And, you know, it seems to be going pretty well. They sort of help a lot. So we deal with things like imposter syndrome and burnout and those kinds of things. But you can always try that. But I think it's good that you're seeing a psychologist. I'd be really curious whether, you know,

they end up diagnosing you with something or not. I'll let you know if they do. You don't have to, but I'm just saying it's. No, I would love to share that with you. I'm so curious about, you know, these stories like yours where you're like gifted but failing. Like, I don't know what that is. Me neither. I don't know if that's just, that can really be explained by a diagnosis or if there's like more to it. And so, because I think there are a lot of people out there. I'm glad you shared that story because, you know, my story is actually somewhat similar.

I sort of lucked out in the sense that they actually had me skip a grade. So I actually like, you know, didn't have to sit around and repeat stuff. Right. But then I had my own fair share of problems. I think to put it simply, and it's been said time and time again, public school is just not for every student. And no offense, but especially gifted students. It's just not.

As much as we would love it to be, as much as it's a great thing because it's free and accessible for like literally everyone in America. I don't want to get into politics. But, you know, it is a great thing. I'm not going to say that it's not, but it's definitely not for every student. And my meaning for sharing this story with you guys today is just any students out there like,

you're not a failure, you're going to be okay, like find your path, build yourself up, and just find a way. There are options you can test out of high school. You can go to continuation school. You can go to GD. you can do all the above like I almost did. So that's my point with sharing my story today.

You know, what I really love about that last sentence adept is you can do all these things like I almost did. I think that is a sign of confidence. Yeah. Right? To say that, you know, I don't know if you still have, I'm detecting some emotional, maybe I struck a nerve there. But, you know, I think it's like it's, it's really awesome to see you own. what you can be proud of and also own what you don't have to be proud of

and that you can actually be okay with that. Yeah, cool. Okay, so meditation? Yeah. Since you got a singing bowl. I have to turn my camera off though if you want me to go get it. Okay.

Okay, we're back. Well, did you not want me to get it? I thought you wanted me to go get mine. No, go get it. Okay. Do I have to put a lot of... I just find myself being curious why you have to be, like, not wearing pants or something? No, because I have a lot of kummers that will zoom in on my butt crack and that's just very... Like, I have basketball shorts on, but they'll still find a way to sexually exploit me and it's very...

So I just... Should I... Should I be worried about that? Probably. No one's safe. I'm going to risk it. No, okay. No, I won't. What exactly is a kumer? again? Well, these are like, these are beyond cummers. Like, these people have no

They're just... Dude, how the fuck do we get a Beyond Coomer to come on stream? Can we do that? Oh my God. Just literally Google my name. I swear to God. It's crazy out here. You'll find them. No, no, but I'm serious. I want to talk. Because, like, I want to talk to these people. I think that's a great... No, I'm serious. I am serious, too.

I think that's a great idea because I would love to understand why they do what they do because there are millions and millions of places where they can, you know, look at women that are sexually, you know, exploiting. I don't know. I'm not trying to be insensitive. I just just, you know, like sexually displaying themselves all the time. It's a great thing. I love it.

I look at it. So why do they need to put me on sexual display when I'm not sexually displaying myself? that's something that whole other door you're opening here. I love opening doors at the end of the interview. But literally, can you explain to me what a Coomer is? Okay, so Coomer is literally, I don't know, explain it in words other than Twlingo. See, this is why I'm confused because, like, I, you know, there are all these terms and I can sort of piece things together. But the best that I could come up with is that there's something involving sexuality and it's a boomer that's replaced with a B with a C.

Yes, but don't use the term boomer literal because it's just a coomer. Like, cummer, cooming. It's just like someone that's very horny and does horny shit or is horny on Maine, I guess. On Maine? What does that mean? Yeah, like on their main account. counts like they're out here on the Twitter and they're like just just put in their horniness out there for the world to see how horny they are instead of going and jerking off and using

the internet when they're of clear mind like a normal person like I think Ludwig explains it well in one of his clips that they could link you okay I got I got to I got to watch this and get educated but I really I mean if you know I would like to I would like to speak to one of these mythical figures. I would love if you did that. It would offer me so much. I love to understand why people do what they do. And I would love to understand why they make fake naked pictures of me and share them

amongst each other. When in reality, like, I think I post sexy pictures. Like, why do you have to take it to the next level? I don't get it. Do you know what? Does that make sense a little? Which part? All of it.

All of it, Dr. Gay. Stop trying to have me narrow things down. I don't work this way. I think the disturbing thing is that, you know, I think a lot of it makes sense. I just want to know why they do that. I just don't get it. Well, I mean, just I'm wondering if I'm a cumer now. But, you know, because if you say you post sexy pictures of yourself and why are people photoshopping things,

probably because the pictures that you post aren't enough. Okay. For their kumer minds is what you're saying. Exactly. Okay. Okay. That makes sense. I mean, so generally when people, you know, change things about the world, like why do they change things about the world? It's because the world doesn't give them what they want. Right. But the thing is, the more that they do these weird fake things, the more that it makes me not want to do it for real. Because it's like, okay, well, they're just being weird with it. So I'm definitely never going to do that. I think you just opened a whole can of worms because I don't know what the cumber's watching. No, you opened the can of worms. Stop projecting.

You opened the can of worms. No, you did. You're the cumber. You're the cumber. It's you. Yeah, I don't know. But I think, you know, we'll learn. So we're here to learn about the internet and learn about the minds of the people on the internet.

So maybe that'll happen. Let's get to meditation in pure things. Let's do that. Okay. So you have your singing bowl? So I'm going to teach you kind of an introductory practice and then like sort of a second practice, okay? So I don't know what's going to get transmitted over Discord, but if you ring your singing bowl, you're going to hear that there's an oscillation or a fluctuation in the sound. It's not going to be one note. Okay, okay. Okay. And so. little, okay. Yeah, what I want you to kind of do, I'm going to go ahead and ring it. I don't know what you're going to be able to hear, but you can try ringing it on your end. And then what I want you to listen to is the fluctuations of the sound and try to hear as long as you can,

because the fluctuations are going to get lower and lower and lower. Okay. All right. Yeah. So on three. One, two, three. Got it? I did mine very lightly.

I was scared. Okay. Have no fear. Okay. Be brave, adapt. All right. Okay. Once again, louder.

Huh? Am I supposed to close my eyes? Yes. Okay, sorry. Do it again. No, it's okay. I didn't tell you to close your eyes. No, you didn't.

Yep. Okay. So, that's because you're the one who's a good teacher. I'm a shitty teacher. Okay, ready? True. One more time. Eyes closed.

Okay. Okay. So now what I want you to do is ring it three times in a row. with your eyes closed. Wait until the silence really settles, then ring it a second time. Wait till the silence settles, then ring it a third time.

And then keep your eyes closed for about 60 seconds after, and then I'll teach you the second phase of the practice, okay? Okay. Okay. Ready? Go.

Yeah. Okay. I couldn't hold it. I'm sorry. Couldn't hold what? My laughter. I let it out a tiny bit. So?

I enjoyed it, but it's very hard for me to turn my brain off of knowing that dream is on. Like, it's hard to do it because I know it's on. My brain never forget. Okay. So then I'll give you. No big deal.

Okay. So next thing to think about is, so the next time you're feeling ahead or behind, okay, if you're really feeling ahead or behind, I want you to do this practice and listen to the sound. And then ask yourself. Like in this moment as you listen to the oscillations of sound, how can you possibly be a head or behind? What is it that where is this idea of a head or a behind? Where does it come from? And then let yourself return to the sound and notice that the sound is what's real.

You are what's real. There's no there's no aheadness or behindness here. Right? Like this is just, it's just reality. Were your teachers good or bad? They just were what they were. They made you into the person that you are. If your teachers weren't the way that they were,

you wouldn't have been able to teach your basketball students, the lessons that you taught them. And so all things are just as they are supposed to be. Understood. Well, thank you for coming on, Adept. Thank you for having me. And, you know, good luck with everything. Take care of yourself.

I'll let you know what my appointment says if I get diagnosed and what I get diagnosed with. Yeah, absolutely. Go for it. Okay, pass it on. I'd love to hear. All right. Take care of yourself. Thank you.

Hey, do you know who I should raid? We're trying to figure out because Twitch chat just trolls me. Let's see here. Let's raid. We'll raid. Her name is. Forihah. Do you know her? I don't know anyone, man.

I'm going to type it to you. Okay. Okay. Okay. We'll write for me. Okay. Cool. Thank you very much, Adapte. Appreciate it.

Thank you. Can we rate a Coomer? Is she a Coomber? Oh. She, uh, I don't think she is. She's actually very chill. Okay. A Coomer.

Okay. We'll rate for you. We'll rate a Coomer. We'll just have, we'll find a Coomer to come on stream. Oh my. God, okay, let's do that. Okay. All right.

Thank you, Dr. K. I appreciate it. Thank you for having you. Thank you, Adap. Take care. Bye. You too. Bye.

Okay.