HealthyGamerGG - Ex-Proud Boy

Episode Date: March 1, 2022

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So the only strategy to use is to embrace it, to own up to the consequences of your actions. And then from moving from ignorance and avoidance, we will enter into enlightenment. So I used to be a proud boy and am dealing with intense shame and fear of it coming out. I'm using a throwaway for obvious reasons, but I'm a regular user of the sub on my regular account. I've worked in politics or public policy for the last. six years or so. I started out working in conservative activism and slowly progressed to something closer to libertarian or mildly liberal. Years ago when I was 20, I was inducted into the New York chapter of Proud Boys, a right-wing kind of edgy Western chauvinist men's group, which,

whether deserved or not, has been called white supremacist many times. I'll say this. My intentions for joining the group had absolutely nothing to do with any racist, but rather just the idea of being part of something as a young man and being edgy. I eventually moved away and discovered that the proud boys, at the very least, weren't that aligned with what I believed, and at worst, had some really nasty, sometimes racist and sexist elements. The biggest problem I saw was that they just went out looking for trouble. They would go to protests just to get into fights.

They would go into bars and say Trumpy stuff about just to piss off some New York liberal so they could fight them. It just wasn't my style. Since then, I've done a thorough inventory of my beliefs and have been extremely open to different perspectives. Going so far as to build up a reputation is a leading voice for an important political issue generally associated with the left. While I would still call myself a conservative, maybe, the vast majority of my friends are liberal, and I couldn't see myself associating with the proud boys today. Here's my thing. I personally believe in second chances and that people can change in that I definitely have and have clearly demonstrated that change. But the rest of the world doesn't. Until I got fired

from my last job for other reasons, my biggest fear was this coming out. Now luckily or unluckily, I don't have to worry about that. The problem now is my girlfriend, who is incredible and open-minded, but definitely very liberal, doesn't know about my past. Part of me feels like she deserves to know and would be understanding. She knows I used to be more right-wing, but she doesn't know the extent of it. In truth, I don't know how she would react. So far, she has been open to the idea that I can change, but public perception of the proud boys is so bad that she may think it's impossible that I could have been part of them and still change. I feel ashamed about it. I don't know, I don't want to scare her off with this from my early childhood. I was an idiot and just wanted a group of tough guys to party and do

coke with. But now I can't change the past and have to live with this fact in my past for the rest of my life. It could be worse, of course. Some of my friends back then are either in prison or about to be for beating the living crap out of some Antifa protesters a few years back. That could have been me and I'm eternally grateful that I was smart enough to get out of there when things started to get weird. But that doesn't save me from other people's perceptions. What should I do? So this is a really, really challenging situation, which I really commend this person for posting. Because the truth of the matter is that we all do things in our past that we're not really sure, you know, we're young, right? Or maybe we're not even young.

I mean, we could be old. We all have things in our past that like we're not proud of today. Right? Because as we get older, as we get more experienced, we learn more about life. We change our mind about things. we start to behave in new ways. And yet we live in a world where people may not care what I've done today. They may care only about what I did yesterday.

Right. So we just talked a little bit about how the world is very judgmental. They may not care, right? And this is the kind of thing where like when you look at GPAs, like once you get a single F, you can never have a 4.0. We have even systems that are structured like this. where your past is not something that can ever be redeemed in particular situations. In the United States, once you become a felon, you are a felon for the rest of your life.

That does not change, even if you're no longer engaging criminal activity. So we live in a world that has lasting judgments. As a result, it can be really hard, right? Because even though you've gotten better, you don't know what people are going to do to you. even if you've changed, even if you've grown, you may have girlfriends that will break up with you because you've been associated with this kind of thing. You may have employers that are no longer willing to employ you

because you used to be a proud boy. Right? And even though you don't really acknowledge or believe that stuff anymore, like people will judge you for it. And so there are a lot of different angles I can take for this. And like there's a part of me that sort of, you know, so maybe like the first kind of like the most, easy angle is a psychological one. Okay, what's going on with proud boys? How do we get into,

you know, how does someone join proud boys? What's going on there? This person is feeling ashamed about their past. They're feeling afraid to talk to their partner. There's like a lot of psychological stuff, right? How do I overcome the shame of my past? How do I overcome fear and disclose things to my partner? There's a lot of good angles there. Those angles would be very, very worthwhile. They would be very important. They would also be more scientific, right? So we can talk a little bit about self-disclosure and I can share clinical experience that I've had. So for example, I one time had a patient who had a virally transmitted STI based on a period of their life where they were, you know, behaving in a different way. They changed their life a lot. Now they were in a long-term

relationship, still using protection every time they had sex. And they were afraid of what would happen, when they disclose to their long-term partner, who they hope to marry, that like they have an STI, right? That's never going to go away. So we're afraid of the consequences of our actions. And makes sense, right? Because the world holds us accountable for our actions, even if we've changed, even if we've reformed, there's a lingering effect. And in this particular person's case, like one that is biologically inescapable, and will put their partner at significant risk if they ever decide to have unprotected sex. So what do we do about this?

How do we approach these things? Right? So a lot of times what we talk about is how do I improve my life? We don't talk about quite as much is if I've improved my life, how do I deal with the consequences of the past? Even if I fix myself. There's still all the crap that I have to deal with today, right? There's all the judgment. And so the thing that popped up in my mind, this is almost our meditation for the day, is this is an issue of karma. So karma is the principle of karma, cause and effect. And what this means is what we reap

is what we've sown. So if you engage in particular actions in life, those actions will have consequences. And generally speaking, like most, like this person, like most of us, we try really, really hard to escape the consequences of our actions. I've reformed. Therefore, how do I dodge this bullet, right? I've changed now. Like, I don't want people to find out. How do I not have this person break up with me? Like, but this is an action that you've taken, right? Like, I recognize that you want to get out of it. We'll talk about that for a second, in a second. But, so this is the first thing that I want to explain. So if you really want to like understand the, like, this is where you have to understand the principle of karma. And that's what I'm going to try to explain. So then there's

these enlightened beings, right? These yogis, Buddha, whatever, who will make statements. about karma. So it's like, okay, cause and effect is simple. That's physics, right? So it includes physics, actually. So physics is like one thing under the umbrella of the theory of karma. I think it, when yogis were developing the theory of karma, they like looked at physical things and they noticed that if I throw a ball up in the air, it has to come down. All actions have consequences. That's really all the theory of karma is. Physics says the same thing. Okay. We're not, and then they get into the weird mystical stuff. And this is where there's like this set of quantum mysticism, right? which is like a bunch of BS where people are talking about like quantum mechanics and the universe

and all this kind of stuff. And, you know, that's stuff that I don't really understand, but friends of mine have explained it to me and whatever. So we're not going to talk about that. It's going to be way more simple than that. So then some of these like mystics will make statements. Like so they'll say that, for example, when the the Atman or soul takes birth, it has to deal with the karmas of the past, that there's like past actions which will manifest in this life. and that we're stuck in this cycle of birth and rebirth. And why are we stuck in the cycle of birth and rebirth? We're not going to worry about whether rebirth is real or any of that crap.

That's not what I'm talking about today. When I'm talking about is cause and effect. So what we're talking about here is like, how do we get stuck in this cycle? Right? So why is it that like I'm born and then like, why can't I break out of the cycle? And the reason that we can't break out of the cycle is because as we try to deal with our karma, we create new karma. So as I try to run away from one problem

or deal with one problem, I end up creating another one. So a good example of this is like just a couple of analogies. It's like if I'm afraid of footsteps, okay, and I say footsteps are bad. And I'm like walking on the beach and I start running away from footsteps. What do I create in the process?

Footsteps. More and more footsteps. and this is what happens with karma. That as we try to dodge the effects of our karma, as we try to get away from the effects of our karma, we end up creating more karma. Something that's a lot more applicable, something that I experienced in my life.

I have a test in seven days. Oh my God. What am I going to do about that? Let me distract myself, right? I don't want to study for the test today. I'm trying to escape from that reality. I have a test in 70 days. days. Let me escape. Let me escape by playing a video game. Let me escape by watching a binge watch a show.

Let me escape by getting high. What happens? In my effort to escape from the consequences of my actions, and you can say, how does having a test in seven days, how is that a consequence of your action? Well, you're in the damn class. Like, the rest of the world doesn't have a test in seven days. This is something that you signed up for. And the more we try to escape from our actions, the worse we get trapped by karma. This is what the yogis discovered. So why do we try to escape? Because we're afraid of our karma. We're afraid of pain. We're afraid of reaping what we've sown, but it's physics, right? I don't want the ball to come back down once I've thrown it in the air. It's going to come back down, whether you want it or not. And so the reason that we get trapped

in the cycle of karma, forget about birth and reincarnation, all that crap, okay? No idea if any of that crap is true. But even in our own life, the reason you get trapped by the cycle of karma is because you run away from your problems. And that creates more problems. It's the principle of karma. This is what the yogis have been saying all along. So to become enlightened is to be free of that crap. So then the question becomes, how do I become enlightened? Right? And so this is where I know you want to escape from your past. I know you want to like have a girlfriend who, I know that if you could, you would take an eraser, go into your past, and erase that so that you never have to tell your girlfriend.

Or actually, that's not even true, that you can tell your girlfriend, but there's nothing to tell. Now you're stuck in the situation where there is something to tell, but you don't want to tell it. And so as you try to escape this karmic consequence of your past, you will sow a new karma. Because if you don't tell her, she's going to find out one day and then she's going to feel betrayed, yada, yada, yada. Right? In the case of the patient that I worked with, you know, are you going to use condoms for the rest of your relationship? Or are they going to wake up one day and have an STI?

Or like, what's going on? Like, how are you going to manage this? This is karma. You can't run away. And yet we try. And the basic issue with karma is we try to run away from the consequences of our actions. And in doing so, we sign ourselves up for tons of consequences. This is the concept of a vicious cycle.

Right? And so what do you do? I know it's kind of challenging. I know it's terrifying. I know it's going to sound bizarre. But you reap what you sow. So go ahead and reap it. Right?

This is where the only solution is to tell your girlfriend. Be authentic. Be honest. Face the, the karmic consequences that you're facing. Now, why don't people want to do that? Because it hurts. Because things may go. wrong. That's the consequences of your actions, my friend. Once you've taken that, the moment you join

Proud Boys, you signed yourself up for all kinds of things down the road. Right? We're not saying they're bad or good or whatever. We're not making a value judgment here. We're just saying when you join an organization, you're associated with that organization. It doesn't mean that you're going to go to jail or anything like that, right? But there are some consequences of every single action we take in this life. But then it hurts, right? Because we don't know. No. I didn't know what I was doing when I was 20, and it's not fair that I should face these consequences. This is what my mind tells me. I know better now. I don't want to be judged. It's not fair. I want people to see the person I am today. I don't want them to see the person I used to be. That's not in your control. This is your karma. You join the organization. You've got to deal with it. Right? So we want to run away from those consequences. And this is what I'll tell you, and it's shocking, because those consequences are painful. right? But this is what I'll tell you. When you face those consequences, you will be surprised at what you find.

So the more we move away from our karma, the more we try to run away from our karma, the more we get trapped in this cycle, the further we move away from enlightenment. The further we move away from divinity. What does that mean? And the more we run towards our karma, the more that we accept our circumstances, the more that we accept our consequences, the more that we accept our consequences, the closer we move towards divinity. Because here's the thing. If you want to be the best version of yourself, you can't be the best version of yourself.

It is impossible to be the best version of yourself when things are easy. That is not the best version of you. Very simple analogy. Let's say I'm learning to play, I know how to play chess. The best game of chess I will ever play will not be against a five-year-old.

Maybe if they're a chess prodigy. If we take a traditional five-year-old who knows nothing about chess and I'm beating up on noobs, I will never play the best chess game of my life. The best chess game of my life has to be played against someone who is better than me. And the best chess of my life will be played

when I'm faced with adversity. The best parts of what we are as people are not when things are comfortable, right? Who are the heroes? Who are the human beings who are heroes? They're the ones that face adversity, right? The people that we revere historically. I'm not saying that these people are perfect

and they're all kinds of criticisms. So in the United States, for example, Martin Luther King, Abraham Lincoln, like Thomas Jefferson, like whatever. Like, these people were not saints, right? But we respect them and we respect their contributions to the world because of what they accomplished. And there were periods of intense adversity. Victor Frankel and Man's Search for Meaning as well is like a really good example of this. And so what we're doing actually is we're like taking a step away from like that which is the most beautiful thing within us. every time we run away from our karma.

And we are signing ourselves up for more things to run away from and more things to run away from and more things to run away from. And then what we find ourselves doing is running on the beach endlessly trying to get away from our footsteps. And we're exhausted and we're not going anywhere and we're not accomplishing anything. We're just running away, running away, running away. So as you face up to the consequences of your actions,

as you embrace the consequences of your actions, as you go to your girlfriend and say, hey, by the way, there's something I wanted to do. tell you it's something I'm ashamed about. It's something I've been struggling to say to you, but I used to be a part of proud boys. I'd love to talk to you about it a little bit if you have some time to listen. Own up to it. And something amazing will happen. Something absolutely amazing will happen. Will she break up with you? Maybe. Right? And you can be hurt by that. We're not talking about external consequences because that's the consequence. I'm not saying that

she's going to accept you. So this is important. This is an internal thing. But you will find your strength. You will find your divinity. You will find that like, okay, I've owned up to something that I've done. Is it unfortunate? Sure. Am I hurt? Yes. And I did not run away from my problems. And the more you start doing that, like this, you become one step closer to the divine because you've owned up to what you've done. Now you're not making more footsteps in the sand. You've stopped walking. And here's the wild thing, right? When you stopped walking, what happens to the footsteps? You're not making them anymore, right? It is the walking that creates the footsteps.

And so it is you're running away that traps you in your problems. And as you face this adversity, you will rise to the heights of what you're capable of. The things that I'm the most proud of are the things that were done through adversity. It's not being faculty at Harvard Medical School that I'm proud of. It's getting a 2.5 GPA and winding up at Harvard Medical School that I'm proud of. Right? That's what I really have to be grateful for. That's the accomplishment. And so, like, this is the thing that people don't understand is that, like, if you really want to understand, what's the crux of meditation, it's to approach things, irrespective of their karmic consequence. It's to be detached from the outcomes of your actions. If you were a proud boy, you got to own up to that shit, man. When I was in medical school, I got to own up to the fact that I got 2.5. They're asking, why do you have a 2.5 GPA? And it's like, because I was a dumbass.

I can make excuses. I can say this. I can say that. I can say I was addicted to video games. I can blame something else. And the more that I go on blaming something else, the more powerless I become. Own up to what you've done. 100%.

And life may tear you down as a consequence. Let it. The rest of that crap, it can go. I've been torn down before. it's happened more than once. It is undoubtedly going to happen again. And it's going to happen to you too if you let it. And this is what I'm going to say is let it happen. Own up to everything that you've done, accept responsibility for your actions. Face your karma because that's the only way to get free of it. Right? If I've taken out a loan of $10, I need to pay that back. Every bite that I have to eat has to come out the other end. Life is full of karma. So stop running away from it. The other magical thing is that when you do this thing, you will feel amazing. You will feel free. Will you be sad?

Absolutely. Will you be devastated? Absolutely. Those things will happen. But you will be free and you will be in control. Because you will know that this devastation is of my creation. I did this. And I owned up to it.

And now it's done. There's nothing left to hide. I've dealt with the consequences of my actions. She knows now. let her decide what to do. And in my overwhelming experience, this is the one thing that I can't entirely be sure about, is that when you move towards your karma, you will be amazed at how many thousands of helping hands you will find. When you start to accept responsibility for yourself and you start to say, I'm not perfect, this is a mistake that I made, what you will find or what

I found and this is maybe just my karma or what I have to be grateful for, is that for every person that I thought was going to abandon me and did abandon me, 10 more. showed up to give me a helping hand. And that's what this community is about. Right? Because this person is saying, I'm ashamed of being a proud boy. I want you guys to look at this. I'm ashamed of being a proud boy. But where is this person sharing this?

Who is he coming to? Right? It's us. So this is the other thing. Is that as you move towards that divinity, the universe, and this is the low we get into the weird spiritual guru crap, right? Like the, it's hard to describe, but this is what I truly like I've understood is that the universe will align itself towards you. And you will get an unbelievable amount of support from

where you least expect it. And will some of the consequences of your actions happen? Absolutely. Right? Absolutely. Is she going to break up with you? Maybe. But you'll be surprised, right? Give people the benefit of the doubt. Let them choose. Let her create her own karma. Right? She gets to choose. And she may decide, okay, you know what? It's actually like, you've, you've got to. done this in the past, but I really appreciate being someone who's been honest with me and shares things with me that they're ashamed of. That is the foundation of a successful relationship. A successful relationship is not about perfection. It's about mistakes and forgiveness. And so this is the whole problem is that if you're running away from your karma, you're playing

a strategy of perfection. Your strategy is not one of perfection. You don't want to be an evasion tank with 99% evasion. You want to be a damage reduction tank with a healer who can support you as you take damage. Because you can't know, because this is the problem, right? If you're trying to avoid negative gharmas, you don't know what's the proud boys of today. Like, you don't know everything that you're doing today, what it's going to be tomorrow. You have no idea. You don't know what mistakes you could be making today because you're ignorant.

We're all ignorant. None of us is omniscient. So the only strategy to use is to embrace it. to own up to the consequences of your actions. And then from moving from ignorance and avoidance, we will enter into enlightenment.