HealthyGamerGG - Fear of Failure, Overanalyzing, and Escaping into Fantasy

Episode Date: August 6, 2020

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Yeah, man. So, and what do you go by, friend? Asriel's fine. Okay. And so what are we to... Yeah, welcome. Sorry, this is... This is really confusing because there's like a delay. Delay on stream? Yeah, it's... Well, you should talk to me on Discord. Don't talk to... Don't listen to what I'm saying on stream. right so close the close the stream yeah there we go that's better yeah i'm sorry i'm new to this yep that's okay man me and you both i've been doing a little bit longer than you but it's okay to be

new to it yeah all right um sorry where were we i was just at i mean we weren't really anywhere we were just starting all right so asriel tell me a little bit thank you for coming on Tell me a little bit about, you know, what motivated you to come on stream today. So I've been wanting to come on stream for a while now. I think I've been trying for six months or so. Oh, wow. Well, I'm glad you're here today. Yeah, I think I just wanted to share my story and, I don't know, get support and all that.

Sure. and yeah I want to talk about overanalysis and fear of failure and I also have social anxiety and all that fun stuff yep um so yeah can you tell us your story yeah so um I guess this year was my second year at university. And so it didn't start off great. I sort of took on more than I can handle and I can say that how I dealt with it wasn't very good for my mental health. So I had a lot of courses. I had a lot of work to do and all that. And I started getting depressed. I wasn't performing as well, and so, like, it was getting sort of difficult. So I started, like, oh, shoot, you can't do some simple homework.

Like, got to get on this and started beating myself up about it, calling myself a failure. And, like, started getting afraid of, like, oh, shoot, what if I can't do this? and it all sort of spiraled downhill from there. I think I met you in December was when I started watching your streams, and I've been making progress since then. I changed majors because I found that the one I was doing

sort of felt meaningless, purposeless in a way. It's like, why am I even doing this? And so, yeah, I just sort of dropped everything and changed majors. Okay. And I think I have a lot of fear of failure because it's like, I sort of can't mess this up. Like, if I mess up university, then I mess up my life pretty much. And it's like that for a lot of things. What else are you afraid of messing up?

So I tried getting a job this summer. I applied for a few places and like I sort of gave up pretty quickly. I'm like even if they hired me like who's going to want me working for them like I'm just going to disappoint them and all that. I don't know. I felt like a pretty big failure and sort of just sort of hid in my room for most this year. barely going outside or anything, just playing games and... What do you play? Um, so I play Minecraft.

I play Starblast.I.O., which is an internet browser game. Uh, curbel space program. Cool stuff? I think those are my main games. Hmm. Cool. So, and, and so, uh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt your float. you were telling a really great narrative. So you were saying you're afraid of,

you tried to get a job this summer. It was kind of hard to even kind of apply and stuff because you were concerned that people wouldn't even want to hire you anyway, so you kind of gave up a little bit easily. Yeah. Yeah, I hardly felt in the state to like have a job. And, um...

Okay. I think it's like that for a lot of things, actually. Like what? So there's the job. I'm supposed to be going to a dentist, which I haven't really done. I think I need to update my health card. And I don't know. I just have trouble talking to people, especially over the phone and getting that all set up.

And I have, I'm afraid of talking to my family because I haven't really been completely honest with them with what was happening. What is it that they don't know? So they know that this year was particularly hard for me. They don't know that I failed my degree. And they do know that I switched majors and my dad isn't particularly happy about that. He doesn't think I'll be able to do physics, which is what I switched to. And what did you switch from? I switched from marine biology.

Okay, so. He doesn't think you're going to be able to do physics. Yeah, which is fair, because physics is pretty hard, right? Mm-hmm. Sure. Does your dad, is your dad disappointed in you? It's hard to tell. I know if I told him everything that maybe he would be. I think he is a little, yeah.

Okay. And so it sounds to me like you're afraid of telling people things because they may be disappointed if they knew everything. Yeah. If they saw the real you. Yeah. So do you feel like you try to hide who you really are? Yeah, I think. so. I've been working on my mental health this summer and I've been opening up a little more,

but mainly just online. I don't trust anyone in real life with anything. Okay. What about like a mental health provider? Like a therapist? I looked into that, but they only have over the phone appointments because of COVID. And again, I have a fear of talking on the phone. Much rather go there in person. Do they not do like video chat? They should do video chat. They do like phone phone, like boomer phone? I think so. I haven't looked into it that much. Because most providers are shifting to telehealth, which usually involves video nowadays. Okay. But just something to think about. Okay. And so I'm not hearing anything. So I'm hearing about fear of failure. I'm getting the sense that you feel like you're inevitably going to disappoint people. Yeah. Are you disappointed in yourself? I think considering everything that happened in my past and everything, I think I was sort of destined to fail. Like there was definitely warning signs early on and I didn't really know.

know better, but I think it was something that was bound to happen just because I didn't really know what was going on. What do you mean warning signs? What were your warning signs? So, even before second year, like, I've been sort of ignoring problems. I know in high school, I had this fear of death, which I think that sort of what happened was, so my brother went off to university. I was in grade 9, and then I was sort of left on my own to figure out life. And I don't know, my brother was a big part of my life. And so everything sort of felt pointless and meaningless after that. and I started to like question why am I even here and all that?

I think part of that was trying to navigate the family situation at home because my parents are divorced and it's sort of like a week-on, week-off thing where I switch houses. And my mother found someone else to live with who has a drinking problem and an anger problem, which don't go well together. So I think that's where I started getting addicted to video games because it was an easy escape. Sure. But I think all that added up to what happened this year.

So you feel destined to fail? Yeah. Also sounds like your brother was a really stabilizing influence in your life. Yeah, I'd say that. it's hard to lose someone like that especially at such a formative time of your life like ninth grade when did your mom start living with this other person probably when i was seven or eight okay so that sounds like that's been in your life for most of what you can remember yeah okay my parents i remember when my parents divorced i was going into grade four my dad

was driving me to school and they're like, sorry, you're not registered with the school anymore. Apparently, my mom had just, like, switched schools without telling anyone. And so it's like, oh, I'm at a new school now. That feel? I was frustrating. I didn't understand, like, her reasoning why she didn't tell anyone. And it's like, I don't know. Yeah, my life's been pretty chaotic, I'd say.

Yeah. I was kind of thinking that it seems to me like your life isn't really something that you have a whole lot of control over. No, not really. Yeah, it sounds to me like you're getting pushed around by events in life, like your parents' divorce, who your mom chooses to live with, your brother leaving. and so it sounds tough. It feels to me like you may be feeling, or it seems to me like maybe you're feeling powerless.

Yeah, I think so a little. It's like I don't know what to do anymore. Yep. And so one of the things was like, I know probably around like grade 10 or so when I was dealing with, all this on my own, I'm like, yeah, I will, I sort of made a promise to myself that I would, despite how bad things would get, I would never consider suicide as an option.

So I think that's helped. And sort of at grade 12, I was really anxious to get out of there, really anxious to go off to university and live on my own so I could just escape. at all. What were you escaping? Everything, really. The whole situation at home and everything that's been going on. Switching back and forth between houses sort of means that everything that I own has to sort of fit in a backpack so I can carry it with me where I go. Escaping, you know, the verbal, the anger and stuff of my stepfather. My mother tends to be over-controlling. She likes to do everything for me, and I wanted to escape that as well.

So, yeah, sort of everything. That's a lot, bro. That's a little. Do you really feel that way? Are you just making a joke? I don't think it's as much as some people go through. Okay, so what does that mean for you? Some people have it worse than you do. Yeah, so I think despite everything that happened, I should have still been able to find a way through,

and I shouldn't have ended up where I was, where I am, sort of thing. should have you ended up? Should have passed this year at university. And I don't know, I should have just been destined for success. I was supposed to be successful. And what got in the way? shitty life syndrome, I guess. I felt very lonely and isolated this year, which did. didn't help and I never talked to anyone about how I was feeling or what I was going through because I was afraid of how they would judge me for it and like they'd brush it off and say oh it's nothing just keep going like you'll get over it have people told you that before uh I think my dad tends to um he's not very emotional um I mean he is sometimes but like

it's like you just got to do it and like ignore what you're feeling just do it right yep and he was always pushing for my independence and all that and being successful yep so and where is your brother throughout all this uh he's in university he's i think he graduated last year with a degree in software engineering. And I also have a sister. She's off in Alberta. She got married. She has just had a baby this summer.

And she's doing pretty good. She's an accountant. And then there's me. And I failed. Yeah. So it feels. Right. And so,

also practically it sounds like you actually failed some coursework yeah i stopped doing my assignments okay so asrael i'm going to point out a couple of things and i'd love to ask you a few more questions is that okay yeah so i see something that really confuses me so earlier so recently you said that you were supposed to be successful you were destined for success but that something got in the way Yeah, right. But earlier when we when we were talking to you, you also said like when you applied for a job, you were just going to disappoint them, even if you got the job, and that you were destined to fail. Like I asked you, you know, like, what do you think about your current situation?

You were like, well, now that I look back on it, I saw that like my failure was actually inevitable and started many years ago. So I'm just, I'm going to point out to you and we'll explore this. That there's your side. What was that? What did you just feel? What is it like hearing me point that out to you? I think I'm still a little nervous for being on stream. And I'm just confused.

Like, my thoughts are crazy. Yep. I can imagine that. And that's what I'm pointing out to you. Is that I'm seeing a lot of conflicting thoughts. Because on the one hand, Asriel was supposed to succeed and everything was supposed to work out. And on the other hand, you sure got fucked in life. Yeah. And what are you feeling now?

Powerless? Yeah. Hopeless. And so here's what I'm seeing, Asriel. It wasn't supposed to be this way. This was the life. You were supposed to live this life. And then something happened. And then that life is now completely gone. And now you've shifted. into this other life. And now this is what your future is. And every step you take on the road towards failure reminds you that the road towards success is getting further and further away.

Yeah. What does that feel like? I don't know. I don't know that it's like, I'm trying sort of everything to try and recover and get back where I was. I'm trying to avoid that road as much as possible. Mm-hmm.

Can you? Maybe. If I try hard enough. Okay. That's a good answer. Maybe is actually the right answer. I don't know is also acceptable. So I think what I'm hearing, the first thing that I want to point out, Asriel, is that you have a deterministic view of life.

Destant to fail or destined to succeed. it's not how life works, bro. Right? Life is a maybe. Okay. Right? Like you just can't... Because like you were destined to succeed and then what happened? I failed. Right? So like that...

The idea of destiny in and of itself is false. Because like clearly it's not true. What do you think about that? I don't know. That's sort of one of the debates I've been having is like, you know, is, is are things destined to happen or do I have a choice? And it's like, well, I make the choice based on what I have to deal with right now. And it's like, I'm doing the best I can.

So, and yet I am still failing. So part of it seems like destiny. Okay, sure. And so let me ask you a question. So if you were destined to succeed and you ended up failing, is it possible to be destined to fail and end up succeeding? Maybe. Does it go both ways?

I hope so. I hope so too, right? But that's like, it's interesting because if we want to be scientific about it, and if things were destined and then you ended up failing, like maybe even though you're, hurtling towards failure 100%. I actually think you should, you could be okay. Like, I'm not kidding.

What do you think about that? I think I could be too. But it's going to take a lot of work for sure. Yeah, I think it'll take work. I also think that it's going to take more than work. What do you think about that? What more is there than work? Luck, my bro.

That's true. I don't. I don't know if I really... I don't know how I feel about luck. Good? When you say, I don't know how I feel about luck, what does that mean? Because, like, if it's just luck, then why am I able to influence things? Okay, so...

So there's an important word there. If it's just luck. Yeah. So it's not just luck. It's not just luck, but it's also not just you. So I think this is the hard thing about life, is that we're in control of our actions, but we're not in control of the results of our actions.

I can pick up the phone and I can talk to someone. I can talk to my parents about how I failed this class. I'm not in control of how they respond. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. And how does it feel to not be in control of how they respond? It's hard because I want to make them understand, but I can't. Yeah, so that too, you can't make them understand, but you also can't make them not understand.

Like, them understanding is not determined by you. You can talk to them, right? But there's no guarantee that they're going to understand. So what is it like to pick up the phone and tell someone that you failed? The correct answer is it's fucking terrifying. Yes. That is the right answer. Okay.

Right? And that's what you feel. So now, Asriel, the question that we get to is like, how do you as a human being act in the face of complete terror? I hide in my room. Which is also the correct answer. this is where there's a part of you that's going to want to say, I overcome it with strength and internal fortitude. No, that's not what happens.

When we face abject terror, we get our asses kicked. That's what happens, man. It crushes us. And then you wind up where you are now, which is in your room playing Minecraft all day, avoiding your responsibilities and being crushed by terror. Yeah. Now comes the next question.

Is that okay? No. Incorrect. What do you think about that? I feel like despite everything that's going on, I should be able to do something. And I shouldn't be hiding in my room. So when you say this is the right thing to do, I don't understand that. Good.

That's what we're here for. Right? So like, so is it the right thing to do? No. Is it the expected thing to do? Absolutely. Can we blame you for doing it? Absolutely.

I mean, sorry, like, not really, right? Like, we can't, you know, like, in a sense, like, I don't blame you for responding the way that you have. Does that make sense? Yeah. Like, it's understandable. And I think we've got to start there, right? So I think one of the biggest things about taking control of your life, Asriel, is starting where you're at instead of where you should be. Think about this with me for a second, okay?

We live our lives and we come up with solutions for our life based on where we should be, not where we are. And then we're confused when it doesn't work. And it's like, man, you know, I can't even come up with an analogy, but do you see how ridiculous that is? Yeah. It's like, I should be able to fly like a bird, so I'm going to flap my wings. And like, then I get upset with myself for not being able to fly. Right? It's crazy because you keep on talking about what you should be.

Like, you should be able to overcome that fear. Well, like, if you were a dude who could overcome that fear, then you would have done it by now. So, okay, you can't overcome here. Here's the wild thing is I think that you can still be successful as long as you acknowledge that you're fucked up in some way. Right? Because then at least like you know what you're playing. It's sort of like, you know, like, I don't know if you've ever played Dark Souls,

but like, you know, I kind of think about there's a class in Dark Souls called Deprived, which is like you start the game naked with a club. And if you think like you can also start the game and like change. armor with a sword and shield. And then you can play Dark Souls like pretending that you have a sword and shield in armor and then you're going to lose. But if you

like start with the get-go, which is like, I'm a naked dude with a club, you can actually play the game, but you just have to like accept that you've got a club instead of like armor and a sword. You can accept that something about the way that you were raised and we're going to get into

this has made it hard for you to be confident in yourself and have faith in yourself. That I don't think is your fault. So no wonder, like, you don't have, like, so you say, I'm just going to disappoint them. Like, where the fuck? What, what do you base that on? Past experience. Exactly. Right. But here's the thing. I don't know if you know this. But when human beings are born, it's not like natural that they believe that they're inevitably going to disappoint people. Like, people have done studies on the brain and then there's no, like I'm going to disappoint everyone in life center of the brain.

We're taught that we're going to disappoint people. So the beliefs that you have about yourself are very reasonable, even if they're wrong. What do you think about that? I think that makes sense. I don't think they're wrong. Yep. I know that you, and they're not wrong for you, right? Because you're not a dumb guy and why do you believe the things that you believe?

Because I learned them. Absolutely. because of past experience. Now, here's the thing. Does past experience determine future experience? No. You sure about that? Yeah, I guess it could.

It depends, like, if it's the same person, then yes. But if it's a different person, then things could be different. Okay. Are you the same person you were yesterday? No. I don't think so. Right? So that's kind of interesting because what you're shaking, like what you're doing there, if I were to accept your answers, what you seem to be suggesting to me is that you do have some limited control over your future. How does that sit with you? Yeah, that makes sense. Okay. So now we get to the important question. Is it enough? Well, I'm figuring that out now. Because with everything I'm trying, I hope it's enough. That also is the right answer. So there's a subtle shift in your language, Asriel.

And I'm optimistic for you, by the way. And is like you started out by saying, I'm just going to disappoint them. I'm destined to fail. I'm destined to be successful. I'm supposed to be this. I should be this. Right? Yeah.

And then the question becomes like, like, so those are very deterministic statements. They're black and white thinking. and now what you're saying is like maybe or I hope do you usually think thoughts like that hold on a second there seem to be like a thousand people getting messages deleted I don't understand anyway

what do you think about I'm going to just realize that what do you think about like shades of gray statements versus deterministic Like, do you usually think in terms of like this is going to happen? Not entirely. It's sort of like I have no clue what will happen, but I think it's going to be bad. Okay.

Right. So that makes sense because it sounds like there have been times in your life where you weren't sure what was going to happen and what usually happened was. Bad. So that's a reasonable thing to accept. expect. So now, if it's okay, I'm going to ask you a couple questions about your life and your upbringing. So I'm going to just run through what I understood your story to be. Actually, before we do that, can I ask you? So I understand that over-analyzing is part of the, like, what you wanted to talk about today. I'm not hearing any sort of over-analysis so far. Can you tell us about that?

I think that's sort of like, so like what we were just talking about where it's like, I'm uncertain what will happen, but I know it will be bad. And I can analyze that in like so many different ways as, oh, this could happen, this could happen, this could happen, this could happen. I'm going to have to think about this more before I take action. And it's like, and like in all the bad things that. can happen, I can only have one good outcome, which is that it succeeds. And the bad outweighs the good in most cases. Yep. Right. So let's look at that because that's fascinating. So what I'm

hearing you say is that the more you analyze, does that make it easier for you to act or harder for you to act? Harder. And generally speaking, when we think about analyzing a problem, what is the goal of analysis. To come to a solution so that you cannot. Absolutely. Which is weird, right? So the reason that we like use our head is to figure out how to do things. And yet somehow, the more you think, the harder it becomes to do things.

Yep. And so what do you think about that? I think. I think that's how I was raised is, um, there's only. one good outcome and the rest are all bad and like I got to make the right decisions or I'm going to mess up and things are going to be bad um can you tell us what you mean by that's how I was raised like if I didn't get doing my homework then I was going to get in trouble if I didn't ask my stepfather if he needed help then he was going to get angry at dinner if I don't know

if I left my room when he was in one of his bad moods I was likely to get in trouble and what did getting in trouble look like he sort of gets angry right and he he takes it out on me because it's like oh this is your fault somehow

find a way to blame me for it and I try all that I can't try and stop that from happening. But it's not physical, it's only verbal. So, and then in the beginning, my mother sort of supported him. But I think near the end, I started to become more vocal about like,

this isn't right. I sort of started to stand up for myself. I think near the end, things were starting to change. I know he started seeking help for his problems a little. Yeah. How do you feel about that? It's hard because when my brother was there, it's like, oh, we can get through this together.

But when it's just me, it's like, oh, I have to figure this out on my own. What do I do? It was hard. But I think, like, I understand that he was going through his own problems. That doesn't make it right. Yeah, I mean, you know, in a bizarre way, Asriel, I feel sadder for you now. Because it's like, now he's on the journey of self-discovery and improvement. And, like, that shit needed to happen way earlier.

And you started standing up for yourself. and then like you know you needed someone to do that for you when you were young it sounds to me like too little too late

which is almost worse than like nothing at all maybe we got there in the end I guess so what still fucked you up before he got there true

Asrael I'm not getting much anger from you no I'm not an angry person I tend to sympathize with others, even if they've done me wrong. Yeah, what do you think about that? I think that's just, because I can always see their side of the story, and it's, I understand that there are going through their own troubles. What does it do to your hurt when you can see their side of the story?

It takes the blame off of me a little, I guess. Sure. And it means that I can sort of find ways of helping them so that, because if I help them, then maybe they'll stop. Okay. I'm going to need a second to think. Is that okay? Sure. So that makes a lot of sense to me, Asriel, and it's just so fucked up. I want you to listen to what you're saying. Okay, I'm going to repeat it back to you.

You have an abusive stepfather and you try to understand him and the conclusion that you come to is that if you can help him because he needs help, then you'll feel better. Whereas like, that's not really where... Like, it's not on you.

Yeah. Right? And so I get what you mean about sort of deflecting blame. I think the interesting thing is that the other person that you're protecting by doing that, what you also do is you like prevent yourself from blaming them. Yeah. So one last psychological point I want to make or one kind of psychological point that I want to make is that some people believe that depression is anger turned against the self. That describes my experience pretty well.

Yeah. Okay. So here's what I think could be going on. with you because I think you have... So when someone grows up in an abusive household and when their step-parent is abusive and their actual parent is even supportive of it, how much anger do you think that that person should feel?

They should be frustrated. That's the understatement of the year, my friend. Right? Like, how fair is that? Like, your mom should be protecting you. again, I understand why she wasn't, because she herself was a little afraid, too. Yep. And I understand that you understand that, which is cool. And at the same time, she should have been protecting you.

And I'm not talking about blaming her, things like that, in your particular case. I want you to think about this like other people. Like, when you have a step-parent who's abusive towards a child, what is the parent supposed to do? You're supposed to step in. Absolutely. Right? So I know that you're going to have, your mind is going to generate certain thoughts. Like you're going to want to get, go ahead and give me the counterpoint.

When you said that you wanted to say something else, right, and explain things and protect her. Go ahead. Protect her. Well, I think she herself was also a victim of it, too. I think she was doing the best that she could. Maybe she didn't understand the situation as well. Sure. Yeah.

All those things are fair. I'm not trying to demonize your mom. Do you feel like we're beating up your mom? Asking you if you feel that way. No. Okay. I don't think so. Because it's genuinely not my intention.

So now the question becomes, if someone like, you know, if someone grows up in that situation, like, sure. I understand that you are understanding. But I think that what's going on is you're accumulating anger. You're not sending it towards them. You're just accumulating it. And then where does it go?

I push it down, pretend it doesn't exist, and then it bursts out in second year university. How so? What is it target? Because it's energy. It's got to go somewhere. Targets me? Absolutely.

Got to go somewhere. Right? Like, this is how emotions work. If I win the lottery, I'm filled with joy. And then what do I do? I spread it around. It's got to go somewhere. I can't contain it.

It's got to go somewhere. And in your case, filled with anger, doesn't have anywhere to go. Got to keep it inside. I don't feel it, though. Of course you don't. What it feels like is depression. You don't think that I'm just going to disappoint them is you being an asshole to yourself? Yeah, it is.

There it is. It just feels different. You've gotten so good at not feeling anger. You don't even know what it looks like anymore. My dude, you are in an abusive relationship with yourself. Yeah. Right? And that's like really sad.

And it's like, why are you that way with you? yourself. Um, I blame myself for everything because there's always something I could have done differently and maybe it would have worked. Yep. Right. So that's the thought process. That's the content of your mind. I'm asking why does your mind think in that way? And it's because you were taught that things are your fault. Yes. Right? Like your stepdad was like, it's your fault. I'm angry. Everything in the world is whose fault, Azrael?

Mine. Absolutely. Right? So then like, like we asked the question, why do you blame yourself? It's because those are the rules of the game. You logged on to the game of life and you're playing this game of Minecraft where you're Asriel.

And then something burns down halfway across the world. And then everyone on the server is like, fuck that guy, Asriel. And it's so fucked up, my dude. but we see this a lot right like we see like you know like I'm going to just give you an example of another abusive relationship so let's say there's like a husband and wife and like the husband is physically abusive and I've dealt with this a lot and then the wife like I talked to the wife and she's like yeah he hit me and then I was like oh like tell me about that she's like well it's because

you know like I didn't have dinner ready on time and if I had dinner ready on time he wouldn't have hit me, which is true, right? And like, it's true, but it's also fucked up. It doesn't make it okay, even if it's true. And I think the problem that I'm seeing in you is that, like, there's a lot of truth in your mind of things, which I think, unfortunately, you're a smart guy. Like, if you were stupider, I could convince you that you were wrong. But I think that you learned, and this is what happens when kids grow up, right? Like, this is a survivor. mechanism. If I have a dog that I'm

physically abusive to, the dog learns how to not get hit. And you learned, because he sure as hell isn't taking any of the blame in the relationship, and your mom is also reinforcing like, whose fault is it that he's mean to you? It's mine.

Right? And generally speaking, she's supposed to tell you the opposite. And so you've learned that everything is your fault. Even things that aren't your fault. And then let me ask you something. What is a kid who feels like things that are not their fault, are their fault? How do they think about their ability to control the future?

They think that they can control everything. And if something doesn't happen correctly, it's their fault. Yep. It's bizarre, right? And that's what we see in you. You feel like you have perfect control. all of the responsibility. Actually, it's not control. I'm going to use the word responsibility.

You feel like you are responsible for controlling your future. And at the same time, you feel powerless. And why do you feel powerless? Because deep down, you recognize that you actually don't control your stepdad. Right? So that kid is conflicted because everyone is telling him,

you are in control of the situation. But then they're, There are horrible truths that you can't control your stepdad's behavior. And it's this core conflict of like, I'm in control, but I'm actually powerless. Does that make sense? Yeah. Is that how you feel? Yeah, it's like, I'm powerless now.

But if I work a little harder, I'll be in control. Yeah, right? So, like, if you had asked your dad for help, then you'll be okay. And so it's interesting because subtly, and I think you're right there that like you have this idea that if you do something, that something will happen. But I think unfortunately, as you've learned,

you can't really control what's going to happen. And what I'm hearing you actually try to do, and this may be a bit abstract, you're trying to shift your life back into the world of should. Like, this is the way your life should be. And if you could just get back on that track, then everything's going to be fine.

That's what I feel from you. It's like, I just need to board that train And then the train will take me where I need to go You're living in fantasy It's not how it works, man It's sad All right Huh?

I think that could be true, yeah What makes you think that could be true? I tend to I tend to fantasize a lot I'm a big dreamer I Like to dream of the future and even if it's not relating to me,

I like to think of, you know, epic space battles and civilizations on the edge of the universe and all that. That's cool, man. It is. So it sounds like you're familiar with fantasy. Are you familiar with hope? Not so much. Right?

And I think here's the problem. is that fantasy doesn't actually help us move forward. What do you think about that? I disagree. Okay. Because like, it's like this is where I want to go, which is the fantasy. And it's like, all right, how do I get there?

And then I can plan it out and hopefully go in the direction I want. Okay. So that's, I stand corrected. I concede the point. So when you plan it out, does it help you get there? Yes, I think so. Now I'm really confused. Because this doesn't sound to me like someone who's destined to fail.

Help me understand. Are you destined to fail? No. Are you just saying that because that's the right answer, or do you actually believe that? Because this is like, healthy gamer and Dr. K, and I'm supposed to be inspirational. No, I don't think I'm destined to fail, but in order to succeed, I would need to work really hard for it. Okay. And what do you need to work really hard towards? Getting my life back where it was. Getting back on the success train.

Okay. So I think that's the wrong answer. So here's why. I think the success train is. an illusion. It's wishing you had chain mail and a sword. Right. So I understand, I think you can be successful. But I think like instead of chasing that fantasy of the success train, I think it's like way dirtier than that. There's something about that that seems like very clean and beautiful and alluring to me. I think there's absolutely hope and I think I absolutely see success in your future. I just think it's going to be like messier than you or than I'm getting from you now. Maybe.

I like to think that everything will just work out, but that's not the case, obviously. Yeah, so that can be a comforting thought, Asriel. And now I think we get into like some really nuanced territory where I don't think that everything is just going to work out. I think you can build the life that you want to. And if you're studying physics because you want to discover extraterrestrial life one day, I'd say fucking dude, go for it. You know? And like you're interested in science fiction and understanding like how the universe works

and like the frontiers of like space travel and all that kind of stuff. I'd say go for it, man. I just think it's going to be messy. Yeah. And I don't think that that's necessarily bad. Okay. Right? Because I think what you're doing, and now we're going to kind of go back to some of your, like, psychological patterns.

Because what you're always doing is looking for the perfect solution. Because let me tell you why you think. You have a fear of failure. And the reason that you think is to get rid of the fear of failure. Because if you can find that perfect solution where there's no chance of failure, then do you need to have fear? Nope. And that's what you try to do, right? You try to remove fear through thinking.

Agreed? Yep. And that's a perfect solution. There it is again. Do you see the fantasy of that? If I can find that magical road, then I don't have to deal with the fear. It's so clean and it's so beautiful

and I can figure out the perfect thing to say and then I can pick up the phone and I can talk to someone. All I need to know to pick up the phone and talk to someone is I have to figure out what's the perfect thing to say. Yeah.

Because that's what you do, man. You look for it. Like, how can you? can I tell my dad that I failed and how can I phrase it so that he doesn't judge me? It's the magical train. How do I board that train? If I think really, really hard and I analyze and analyze, I can find, I can board the magic train and he won't be disappointed. So you're overthinking and your search for fantasy is to protect you from fear. It's your antidote to fear. It's your antidote to fear. And it's paralyzing. Because there isn't a perfect solution. And so you're searching for a

cure to fear that doesn't exist. Do you disagree? I think there's always a perfect solution, but like, I don't think things have to be messy. Okay. I think that's a fair point. So here's my question to you. So actually, it's not a question. I'm just going to make a point for you to think about, okay? I think that there may be perfect solutions, and I certainly have felt that. I think there are times in my life, for example, like as a psychiatrist,

sometimes I deal with people who are suicidal, and then I think that sometimes there is, like, the perfect thing to say. And this is someone who, like, wants to kill themselves. And then you're, like, you got to say the right thing. Can't say the wrong thing. And so I do believe that those things exist. I'm with you.

What I have found, and this is something you've got to think about. This isn't something that I can ask you questions because you're a smart guy. I think you've got to come to your own conclusion. Is that building a strategy based on perfect solutions is a bad strategy

because perfect solutions are few and far between and they're hard to find. Whereas building a strategy based on solutions that are good enough tends to be a better strategy. And while it ain't perfect, it's actually going to get you to where you go.

Like, you know, I just think about cooking. And it's like, you can't, like, sure, you can make a perfect cookie, but that's hard. Making a decent cookie actually gets you most of the way there. What do you think about that? I think that's true. I do a lot of cooking, and it's sort of like I just improvise and figure out what works, what doesn't, just by trial and error. Okay, interesting.

right so why can you do that with cooking but you can't do that with other things in your life because with cooking it's just me and it's like if i mess this up oh well it's like the consequences aren't that big i just have bad food now i'm going to say something that's absolutely go ahead sorry yeah sorry it's like um you know i could have bad food but most of the time it turns out pretty good So I think it works And so what makes real life different? Because in real life you only have one shot to make it Where do you get that idea?

Because like, if I fail And I waste all that money in university Then I'm going to end up broke And I'm not going to have a degree And I'm not going to have a job And then I will be nowhere and I can't, how would I recover from that? I can't go back to university

because I'll just waste more money that I don't have. So I only have one shot, right? Yeah, I can see why you think that way. And as someone who also failed a lot, like, I mean, I, you know, I had a D average after two years of college. Had a lot of ass. Took me five years, probably took what had taken me, five and a half or six years to graduate.

Really busted my ass in my fifth year and managed to graduate just one year late. I don't know what the, is it Canadian uses a four, Canadian schools use of a four point GPA system. Yeah. So I graduated with a 2.5 and had less than a 2.0 after two years. and what you're saying is logical. And in my experience, real life turns out to be way more like cooking than you would imagine. And I'm not saying that the stakes aren't the same. Like if you overcook your chicken, like not that big of a deal.

Being $100,000 in debt, slightly bigger deal. And at the same time, I just don't, that's not, it's just not how life works, man. Like one relationship is not, you know, like even when it comes to your, your mom and your stepdad, they kind of fucked you up. And at the same time, doesn't mean that they can't try to fix it. What do you think about that? I don't think...

I think it's up to me to fix it, honestly. Who's surprised you said that? Right? Because what are you doing there? I'm blaming myself for what happened. Yep. You see how quick you are to do that? Yep. And so it's so hard because when you blame yourself for what happened, it's like it really raises the stakes, right?

It's like kind of, it's hard. It's a hard way to live, man. And, you know, I feel like this is sort of an abstract or theoretical discussion. Is this helpful for you? I think so. How so? I think it helps me understand sort of what's going on. I don't know. I tend to be pretty abstract.

Yeah, I think you're a thinker. Yeah. Yeah. I am too. I really enjoy it. At the same time, I'm noticing a little bit of a pressure within me to try to make this practically applicable to you. Yeah, I think so. Okay. So here's, can we do that for a little bit? Sure. So it's cool. Like, we like have contemplated. Like, oh, like, what is your psychologist?

like man. And then it's like, today is August 5th and you're going to wake up tomorrow morning and it's going to be August 6th. And like, what the fuck do you do with all this? Right? So like, let's talk about that for a second. Because I don't know, I mean, have I helped you today? Like, sure, we've jerked each other off intellectually and philosophized.

But, you know, it's like, is this actually going to help you? Like, maybe down the road or something, sure. but like let's think about how to actually help you. So here's the first thing that I want you to really recognize. I want you to see that you have a pattern within yourself, that you consider failure. So you have a fear of disappointing people and you have a fear of messing up because ultimately you're responsible.

And if you screw up, you screw up. And that the way that your mind tries to fix that fear, is by analysis until you find a perfect solution. And that in turn paralyzes you. It keeps you from acting. As we talked about, analysis normally is designed to help you act and what it does is the exact opposite. And if you don't act, your life is going to continue going down.

Yeah. So bizarrely, what you need to do is make based on bad decisions. because your decision is not nearly, it's not going to be perfect. And in your mind, any solution that is not perfect is, it's going to, I'm going to fail. Yep. But that's not how things work really, right? Like, it's not like if you overcook your chicken, it's inedible.

Like, there tend to be some things that are going to really mess up your life. And then there's like a perfect solution. But like most of the things that you're going to do are going to do, were going to kind of work out okay. Like that, I mean, that's just been my experience. But I want you to more importantly, like even despite challenging that, I think the more important thing is to recognize that when you in it, when you try to act, that you're going to look for a perfect solution.

And then that search for the perfect solution is going to impede your actual option, which in turn is going to hold you back in life. and that when you've actually grown and become confident in something, you did it through trial and error, not painstaking research and perfect solutions through trial and error. And honestly, Asriel, that is exactly what my experience was. Okay. I started my third year of college and I was like,

this isn't working and I haven't figured out how to fix it, but I got to do something. And like, I didn't turn, like I didn't go from two, to 4.0 to 4.0. It was like 2.6 the next semester. And then it was like 3.1. And then it was like 3.0. And then it was like 3.4. And I sort of wound up with a 2.5. Which is not that much better. You know, then I mean, it's good enough. So I want you to just recognize that your fear, like you're going to have this very tangible fear that's going to keep you from actually. and that your mind is going to analyze to try to make the fear go away.

But that actually what it does is like paralyzes you further. So your solution is actually your problem. So then... Yeah. So then I would just... Would I just act on my first instinct? That's going to be impossible for you because the programming is pretty deep. Yeah.

Right? So you can't just act on your first instinct. what you need to do is, like, notice this pattern within yourself. And then as best as you can, try to set it aside in the tiniest ways. So, like, I think, for example, you should try to find a therapist. And what's happening is you're afraid of talking to them on the phone. And so notice that fear and then run a little experiment because you're a physicist in your heart. And what you need to do, Asriel, like, so all of your current hypotheses,

are based on the data of the past. And what I would really love it if you could do is collect your own experiment that does not involve your stepfather. I mean, collect your own data. Run a fucking experiment without him. Because I can almost guarantee you it's going to give you different data.

Your sense of confidence in yourself is based on like him interfering with your fucking experiment. So like, no wonder, you think that you're incapable of doing everything and everything is your fault? Because that's like, that's what he taught you. And when it turns out, like, you know, did your stepfather think you were a good cook? I didn't cook much.

Fascinating. It's almost as if you, like, learned good things and life skills when he wasn't around. Right? So, like, notice that you have the fear and, like, just run a couple experiments, right? So like try picking up the phone and recognize that you have this beast within you. That's going to say, oh my God, you're going to screw it up. You're going to screw it up. You're going to say the wrong thing.

They're going to say, who is this idiot who's calling me? He's not even worth my time. As a therapist, like, he's too dumb. You're going to have all these, like, random thoughts. And it's like, what did you think was going to happen today? I thought I was going to mess up. How are you doing? Fine.

How? How? Pretty good. Well, I do. I have to admit that I was trying to control the situation before I got on. Of course you were. This morning and got a webcam and a mic just for this. Well, I plan on using it for other things too, but...

Good for you. I'm confused, though. Like, did you find the perfect solution to this? Did you figure it out? It felt like a pretty good solution. Yeah. I'd agree. So can I tell you what I saw today, Asriel?

Mm-hmm. I saw a guy who showed up and gave it his best shot. With no guarantees, took a fucking risk. Yeah. Like, the chance that, like, maybe Dr. Kay is going to think I'm an idiot, and everyone on Twitch hat is going to think I'm stupid. And I may disappoint not only your family, but this thing called the internet.

And you didn't. because here's the crazy thing. Asriel, I think you're actually a pretty capable guy. I think you're smart, you're compelling. You have a nice smile. I think you try really hard. You're a compassionate person. You care about other people, sometimes to the detriment of yourself.

And if you can stop being angry with yourself and cut yourself a break, I think you're going to do great. I don't need you to be perfect. I just need you to be you. I don't need you to be on that track that you should be and think about all the preparation you could have done instead of what you did. What you did was like the minimum necessary,

which is you got a webcam and a mic and thank you for that. Because if you hadn't done that, this would have sucked. Well, I already had a webcam and a mic on my computer. It was just bad quality. So like that's, I think a perfect example, my dude. Because like this is the amount of control that you have in life. You could have made this experience worse, but instead you put forth a little bit

of effort and you made it a little bit better. And that, I think, is all you need to do. It's going to be anxiety provoking. There's a chance you're going to disappoint people. And that monster of fear is going to be there. And at the same time, like, it takes huge balls to come on here, especially six months after you signed up. Like there's a certain amount of like idiotic adrenaline when you sign up and if we're like, yeah, come on next week. We don't give your mind time to like think through things. If I'm honest, it's, I sort of signed up multiple times.

It sort of like took multiple shots in the dark. Okay. But yeah, each time I refined my response to be a little better until finally it worked. And I'm like, wow, I actually think I'd be on today. Yeah, so interesting. I wonder if that means that everyone else is going to refine their responses. But I wouldn't, are you sure it's, anyway, we don't need to get into that.

But that also is like kind of cool, right? Like, so that's kind of respectable. Like, if at first you don't, like, but I thought you just got one shot at stuff. I'm confused. Now I'm confused because what you're describing is that the road to success is trial and error and not to do things perfectly out of the gate. I think that's what I'm learning now is sort of trial and error, but that's not how I used to think. I do trial and error for some things, but for other things, the risk is too great. Yep. That's how I think of it.

Yep. And that's okay, right? So I want you to notice, like, you're going to have a conversation with yourself. And Asriel is going to ask terrified Asriel, hey, buddy, can we try this? And then sometimes terrified Asriel is going to be like, absolutely not. No way.

We're not going to ask that person out on a date. Cannot do it. And then there are going to be some things like, hey, can we go on the internet and bear our deepest, darkest feelings to random people on Twitch and be judged by them because we have social anxiety? And then terrified Asriel is Like, go for it.

That's the funny thing is that I actually, I trust Twitch more than I trust real people. And that's, I know people call that funny, but I'm with you. I'm with you, bro. Because I think we have this perception that Twitch is like full of assholes. But like the crazy thing is it's like the exact opposite. Like all you have to do is give people an opportunity to like be decent human beings and they amaze me. Can't let them take advantage of you, though, because they'll still troll you. They'll catch you with your pants down.

But yeah, it's cool, right? It's amazing, like, how much people on the internet can help you and support you and how loving and caring of individuals they can be. It's wild. It is. So last thing I'm going to ask you, Osreal, is, like, I want concretely, like, what are you going to do? like today is August 5th, and what are you going to do tomorrow? Or today?

Well, I have a list of all the things that I'm supposed to do. Great. I love making lists of things that I'm supposed to do that I never end up doing. It's one of my favorite pastimes. Yep. I guess I'm just going to try things. So I'd be more concrete. I'd pick one of those things on your list. one of those, just pick one. All right. What if I pick the most, the least important one?

Fine. You can pick whatever you want. What's the least important one? Actually, it's pretty important, but I sort of have a Minecraft mod pack that I'm working on. And it's pretty much ready. It's just that I'm trying to release, like, get the description and everything so people know what it's about. And the fear I have with that is like, oh, no one's going to be interested, but I can try it anyways, I guess.

See what happens. So this is what I want you to do. I want you to notice that fear as if it's like a part of you. Right? So there's going to be like a little corner of your mind or a big corner of your mind that's filled with that fear. and that fear is going to tell you, no, you can't release that description because the description isn't good enough.

You need to revise it more. Don't half-ass it, right? Don't just show up today with your, like, inbuilt camera. But at the same time, don't cancel and not come on stream. Find that middle road of, okay, like, I'm going to make it, give it a decent shot. I'm going to spend an hour coming up with the description. I'm going to sleep on it.

so I want you to come up with the description today sleep on it give it a pass tomorrow and then everyone in Twitch chat is asking for the link oh boy right so so when you say oh boy what happened

what happened when I told you that what happened within you it's like it's not ready yet so but what is that don't tell me don't tell me the content notice what happens there's like a serpent that is uncoiling and right it's like a cobra that's like rearing up and it's flaring its hood. You feel that?

Yeah. It's like, what are they going to think? So notice that thing. Don't get lost in the thoughts themselves. Now we're going to meditate, but sort of a weird meditation. Close your eyes. Okay. One sec. Yeah. Okay. So you're going to draft a description today. Can you do that? I can start. how long is a description well I'm trying to describe every little thing

so it's a pretty long description so don't describe every little thing so you can list as much as you want to but the description should be like one paragraph I think I don't know how Minecraft mod packs or whatever how long their descriptions are but like there needs to be

like I have the description It's just I'm trying to describe all the features involved and all that. Okay, so are we talking about like a notepad text file that has the full description? Are we talking about the blurb that people like download? Like that describes the mod before they download it? The full description. Okay, so the full, so this is like in a text file and it can be like 100 pages. Right?

Yeah, sure. Okay, okay, okay, fine. Okay, so I want you to just think about that description for a second. You're going to try to work on it today. you're going to sleep on what you did, you're going to work on it tomorrow. How do you feel emotionally? And what are you thinking in your head? I think I can do that.

Okay. I don't feel anything. Okay, great. So this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to ask everyone else to sit up straight. And I want you guys to pick something. So we're going to give you guys about 30 seconds to think of something that you want to do. That's like on your to do list.

That is hard for you to do. do or that you're procrastinating about or whatever. Ideally, something that you're afraid of doing. So this is going to be like a fear-oriented meditation. Okay. Now I'm going to say something, Asriel, to trigger you. Okay? And this is going to be hard because then what I want you guys at home to do is think

about the scenario that you're trying to avoid. So in your case, we're going to think about like what's going to evoke judgment. So Asriel, everyone on Twitch wants the link. And what happens? Watch it, catch it, experiment. What happens within you? I felt something in my chest. Yep.

That's all I felt. Okay. And what's happening in your mind? I don't know. It's sort of blank. Okay. So hold on a second. I thought that when we talked about sharing the link,

you would be paralyzed with fear. Because that's what started to happen when I first said it, right? The first time I thought you're ill legit. I'm still legit. Oh. They want the link. Like on Friday, like people are going to ask me about it. And if you've got your shit together, see, we're going to make it real for you now.

You can't. Got to play with live ammo. They're going to ask me on Friday when I stream next. They're like, where's the link? And I'm going to be like, Okay, here it is. Now what do you see? What's happening with you, Asriel?

I gotta do it now. Okay. They're depending on me. How does that feel? Tightness in the chest, a little fidgety. Okay. Heart rates increase. Okay.

So you're noticing all these physical sensations, good. Are you afraid? A little bit. but it's sort of like well now I know what I have to do is having to do it does that feel like good or bad

I think it feels good fucking weird right so now I want to point out something very subtle in your language this entire conversation we've been talking about the outcome we've been talking about people are going to be disappointed

this is going to happen we've been talking about the effects the results They're going to be disappointed to have me work with them anyway. I'm destined to fail. I'm going to fail out of college. I'm going to be in debt. Those are all outcomes.

They're not actions. The way to move forward in life, it's what I have to do. It's not about what happens. It's about what I have to do. It's about what you have to do. Not about what has to happen. Because you can't fucking control that. And now we come to the crux of it, which is as a human being in life, you are entitled to your actions.

you're not entitled to results. You have to work on your mindcraft pack or whatever and write your description and upload it because that's what you have to do. You can't control whether people are going to like it or are going to hate it. You could be traumatized because of how bad it is in their response. So be it. Trial and fucking error, my friend.

All right. How are you feeling? Determined. Good. Right? It's like curable space program. Like sometimes stuff prashes. But you got to do it. And so people say like, oh, just do it. I'm not saying just do it. What I'm saying is like, look at doing it. Recognize the horrible fear that lives within you. The sense that you're a piece of shit and that you're inevitably going to disappoint and give them the finger and then do it anyway. Don't just do it. Recognize all of these things that hold you back. Recognize how terrible of a person you've been taught that you are. And then say, you know what? I'm not going to give into that. I'm going to try anyway. Don't just do it. Do it in spite of all of the reasons to not do it. You're telling me that there's one road to success and there are a thousand roads to failure.

And what I'm telling you is that you can have a thousand reasons to not do something and all you need is, one to just fucking do it. That which you think holds you back in life is actually like completely irrelevant. They can try to hold you back as much as they want to for a thousand different reasons Azriel and all you need is one good reason to upload and you're going to fucking upload it and they can go fuck themselves if they don't like it. All right. How do you feel? I feel all right. Okay. All right. Okay. I'll take it. You can open your eyes. All right, man. So that's what I got. Any questions?

So it's not about just doing it. It's about I'm going to do it. So don't just do it. Do it in spite of everything, in spite of the thousand reasons that are holding me back. Because just do it, absolutely. Just do it implies ignore all of these parts of yourself. Just do it, man.

Just ignore all that crap. Just ignore it and just do it. I'm saying, that doesn't work. You can't ignore it. What you need to do is embrace it. You know? It's like, when you're playing Dark Souls, you can't just pretend to have chain mail

and then just, just pretend that you've got chain mail and go and like, just pretend. Ignore. Live the life. Pretend you're in the life of your fantasy. And act that way. Doesn't work. Start from where you are.

Don't just do it. You can't just do it. You have to do it anyway. But you've got to do it in spite of all the baggage that you've got. You've got to play the hand that you're dealt, not the hand that you want. And that involves acknowledging and accepting that you have this fear, that you've been taught that you're destined for failure. It doesn't mean that it's actually true. It's just what you were taught.

It's like people who are taught that the earth is flat. It's just what you were taught. It doesn't make it real. Right? And now the flat earthers on Twitch are going to follow me. But so be it. But like that's cool, man. It's okay that you think you're a failure.

It's okay that you're inevitable to fail. And then also like collect your own data, Asriel, because this is not the light. You are not the person that your stepfather thinks you are. You are the person actually that you are. You don't even know who you are. So try to collect some data and do it in spite of everything. then you'll succeed.

At least it's worked for me, your mileage may vary. All right. All right, man. Any last questions or thoughts? That was a great summary, by the way. No, um, I think I'm good.

Okay. I'll try and see what I can do. That's all we ask. And what I will tell you is that if you do have a link that we can share on Friday, that would be awesome. Today is Wednesday. So I just me two days.

Yep. And at the same time, Twitch chat, how are we going to feel about them if we don't have a link on Friday? What's our sentiment? Okay. Okay. So I don't know if you could predict. Can you imagine what Twitch chat is saying?

I want to say disappointed. No, they're not going to be. disappointed, apparently they're going to burn the world down, or they love you. It's a little bit unclear. So they're going to riot. They're not going to be disappointed. They're going to riot. Or they'll forgive you. Which, so, you know, that's the like, right? Like, trial and error sometimes means that you get error. It's not trial and success. It's trial and error. So it can be both. So, you know, do the best that you can. I suspect Twitch hat will forgive you, but also that they really do want to see, because here's

the thing, like here's the thing. If you can do it, they can do it. So there is a big burden on your shoulders, which is that now you come on stream, and they're counting on you. And so I do, I know it's crazy, but I think that you can disappoint them, which is a real possibility. On the other hand, what you can also do, since you're a compassionate person, is like you can set your own feelings aside about judgment and recognize that if you can share with us a link on Friday, sure, there's a lot of pressure and I recognize I'm putting it on you. But like, that's what people see, right? Like, they want to see progress.

And you can give them hope, which is a big burden to place on your shoulders. But I'm telling you, Asriel, I can't do this alone. We need your Minecraft link. All right. All right. So it seems like they love you. It's apparently one person wants to smell you. I don't think they do. It's a little hot here. Be careful. I mean, don't assume that you know what Twitch chat wants. Oh, right.

They'll be like challenge accepted. They want my urine. Oh, or bathwater or whatever, right? Oh, boy. All right, man, this is turning south real quick. So I'm going to say goodbye and good luck. luck. And I look forward to hearing from you, man. And no sweat if you can't. All right. All right. Take care, man. All right. You too. Bye. Bye. Okay. Chat. Yeah. So that's, you know, that's life. You're trying to graduate from college and then

suddenly, you know, your sense and odors become the rage of the internet. And really, I want you guys to like think long and hard if you guys struggle with this kind of over an hour. a fear of failure thing, because this is a very poorly understood little mechanism, which is that the reason we overthink is to alleviate fear from ourselves. But the funny thing is that the more we think, the smarter we are, the more possibilities our mind generates about how things can go wrong. And it's a vicious cycle because if I generate 10 possibilities, then I need to think through each of those to remove that fear.

And each time I think about removing the fear, I generate more possibilities. And this is why we get stuck. How do I overcome the fear of failure? First, you understand where the fear of failure comes from. Then you recognize that your solutions to the fear of failure are actually propagating their failure. And no wonder y'all can't overcome it.

it's like how many holes do I need to poke in my tire to fill it up with air? Because the more holes that I put in my tire, the more places air can go in. How many holes do I need to poke? And it's like, no, man, you don't poke holes. It's bizarre. But the solutions that our mind sometimes comes up with are actually the very problem that keeps us paralyzed. And so the way that you overcome your fear or failure,

first of all in recognizing that overanalysis can make it worse. Recognizing that the fear of failure is built upon certain impressions that you have of yourself. And that those impressions may have been true of the past, but they're not necessarily representative of the future. And the third thing is that you don't really overcome your fear of failure. That too is fantasy. It's sort of like, I overcome my fear of failure and then I can go live my life. right it's like shifting to the the track of easy success once i overcome my fear of failure then i can start living my life

that in of itself is the wrong attitude you never overcome your feeling failure you just live your life in spite of it so that which you're afraid of think about doing it try to do it and as you try to do it close your eyes and pay attention to yourself and you're going to feel that that serpent coil up the fear is going to uncoil it's been living deep down in your belly and it's going to rise up and it's going to take over the rest of your body. And when it does that, be like, just sit with it for a second and say, okay, can I do it anyway? You don't overcome your fear of failure. You act in spite of it. And when you start acting in spite of things instead of trying to fix them before you act,

then you'll stop being stuck. Because you guys want to fix everything before you do anything. I better start working out so I don't embarrass myself at the gym. It's like backwards, but it makes sense. So don't try to fix things. Just do things. Don't just do things. Recognize that try to do something and notice what comes up and give yourself some time and some space,

that some of these battles you're going to win and some of them you're going to lose. Sometimes the fear is going to win. And sometimes you're going to act in spite of the, fear. And the cool thing that happens is like as you act in spite of the fear, what actually happens is when you can act in spite of the fear, then next time around, the fear isn't as powerful. Because it's like, oh, that fear was predicting all these problems and that actually didn't work. And so this tiny voice is going to start to grow inside you. And it's like, oh, maybe I don't need to worry about the fear. And then you struggle again. And the fear rises

up, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, you act again. It's like, oh, maybe I didn't need to worry about it. It's not so bad. And the more that you do that, that's called confidence. And confidence isn't about, and this is the last thing I'll kind of like explain. So analysis to bypass fear or negate fear does not lead to confidence. In fact, all it does, is like give into the fear because you're accepting the fear. It's not courage. It's removing fear from the equation. That's not overcoming your fear.

That's just removing it from the equation. Confidence is about acting in the face of uncertainty because you believe that you can manage what comes. Right? If you're like confident in a video game and like, let's say it's a multiplayer game, you're like confident that like there could be a good person on the other team, but like I'm going to be able to handle it and I'm going to do the best. that I can't. Some games I'll win, some games I'll lose. And so if you want to build confidence and

overcome fear, don't try to solve so that the fear is no longer an issue. That's not how you do it. It's, in fact, it's the exact opposite. The way you do it is by, like, actually acting in spite of the fear. And then you realize, oh, like, the fear doesn't actually have a hold on me. You guys don't need to overcome the fear. You need to be, like, buff your fear resistance. And the fear can be whatever it but if you've got like 90% fear resistance, then like, it's not going to control you anymore. So hopefully that makes sense. It's not ignorance. It's actually pure awareness.

It's the opposite of ignorance. It's acknowledging and understanding that sometimes the fear will control you and sometimes it won't. And that the more that you practice and the more you try, the less it'll start to control you. And then you'll start to believe in yourself. And then the fear can be as big as it is, but your confidence is going to be big too and you'll be able to handle it. Yeah, you have to level up your fear resistance. Absolutely. Okay, Twitch at, who are you rating?