HealthyGamerGG - Gorgc (@Gorgc)

Episode Date: January 3, 2020

DrK helps DotA 2 streamer Gorgc with ego and change. Watch the interview on our YouTube page (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lalv4E3jyR0) and catch Dr.K live on Twitch (https://www.twitch.tv/healthygamer_gg) - Wednesdays & Fridays at 3PM EST and Sundays at 6PM EST. Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

So for all of you guys who are wondering, like, how does change happen? Just watch that interview and you'll see it at the end. You can see it in his face. His degree of animation, his posture. Like there's something very subtle and small changing inside him. Okay. So why don't you just start by telling you, like, what would you like me to call you on stream? I think Gork is fine.

Okay. It's easy to say. So Gork, can you tell us a little bit about what's bringing you on today and how we can be helpful? I know we just talked about it. Yeah, so what's bringing me on, I guess, is, well, I've been friends with Recru, for the past couple months, years or so. We talk a bit about, let's say, the pressures of streaming and stuff like that. Yeah, and I saw the stream we had with you, and, I mean, that really made me wake up and realize maybe I should also talk to a therapist in general and deal with my shit, I guess. So what is said shit?

Said shit, what do you mean? What is that your shit? What is it that you need to deal with? Well, I mean, I have an entire list of mental issues, I guess, that I need to address one by one. But they're all, I guess, rooted in the fact that I'm not so happy, I guess. Always unhappy with myself. Okay. And tell me a little bit more about that. So my main issue, I guess, is that no matter how well I do in a stream or how well I do during the stream, how good my numbers are, there's always something I could do better and I'm always unhappy with.

it. And I mean, I couldn't understate it enough that this is very like deep and happiness that I haven't felt before in my life because I feel an immense amount of pressure because I care a lot about my stream and what I'm doing. Okay. What is it that you help me understand why you care so much?

Well, I don't know, really. I just care about it a lot because it feels like I accomplish something nice and I guess I have a fear of losing it all the time as well. So I need to keep it up. I feel like I don't know what. If maybe it's rooted, I've thought about this myself before.

Maybe it's rooted in money, but I don't think so. Maybe it's rooted in some kind of validation from other people. I'm not actually sure. Yeah, sure. So maybe let's see if we can understand that a little bit better. So I just want to try to summarize because Gork and I talked a little bit before we came on. And this was kind of last minute.

So Gork was kind of telling me that he has this. sense of inadequacy, or not inadequacy, but that, you know, it's almost like your success is like temporary and like you want to, and that you can do really, really well, and then you still sort of feel like you didn't do a great job or you could have done better, and that any times things start to go south for you, like if you're losing a game or something like that, and what do you play, by the way? I play Dota 2. Okay.

Mainly. That when you're losing a game, like, you start to feel what? Well, I start to feel inadequate, like you said, and it snowballs out of control where my inadequacy leads to me playing worse and being less funny, in my opinion, at least, and being more whiny or whatever, which also gets into my head even further. And then that cycles throughout the entire stream and even into the next days, which makes me just feel awful almost all the time. Why does your stream have to be successful? I don't know. I feel like, I guess, more than anything, what's important to me, it's a sort of forward momentum. And also, I guess I feel some kind of validation of me being more successful than other streamers.

I don't know if that makes any sense, but when I look at other streamers and I see that I'm more successful than them, it makes me feel good. But I don't know why. Because the reason I say that is because when I see, let's say, another streamer I'm competing with do really well, then I feel like, unhappy for some reason, even though maybe I shouldn't. Okay. So, Gork, the first thing that I want to do is actually give you a pat on the back, because I think you're doing a fantastic job of facing some feelings that I think other people would shy away from. So the number of people that I know that, you know, feel that, like, people delude themselves into thinking that they actually don't feel satisfaction when they do better

than someone else. Yeah. Like, if you're, you know, if you get an A on a test and someone else gets a B. Like, there are a lot of people who, like, lie to themselves and say, yeah, like, yeah, the only reason that I, I'm happy is because I got an A, I don't care what anyone else got. But it's a very simple truth that sometimes the way that we feel about ourselves and other people has to do with, like, us being better than them. Yeah. I really don't want to feel that way.

But I feel like if I had to be honest with you and with myself, then that is at least a bit true. Yeah. And I just want to commend you for that because. You know, one of the simplest problems that people run across is that, like, they don't believe, they don't accept things about themselves that they don't want to be true. And so I think you've taken the first and most important step in recognizing that the person that you are depends a little bit on the way that you relate to other people. Yeah. So now let's try to understand a little bit about where that comes from. So how long have you felt that way?

I don't know. I mean, I guess I'm feeling that way for as long as I can remember with streaming and me comparing myself to others. I mean, back in school, the only reason I felt like I even tried to get good grades at all was just because I wanted to be better than the other guys in my class. It was nothing about, I don't really know what else motivated me, really. Okay. And when you were saying that you wanted to be better than other people in your class, like how old are we talking about? I don't know. I feel like I was always like a goofball up until like eighth grade because that's when in Sweden they had like grades

And when they added grades for some reason I straightened up my act completely I would say I still did the very bare minimum to get an A but I always made sure I I try to get an A in a class Before that I didn't care about school at all, but as soon as they come some kind of grading system came I started caring But I still played a lot of video games obviously and stuff but at least I did the bare minimum to be better than others is what I felt like. And when you were better than others, how did you feel? I don't know.

A sense of satisfaction, I guess. I'm not sure. Okay. So we have to understand that, right? So what do you remember about... My cat's link on my keyboard. Yeah, sorry? What do you remember about how you felt in high school when you got A's?

I don't know, really. I've always... I mean, I guess something that also drove me, except for feeling better than others was the fact that if I had good grades or if I did well, I had sort of a secure or a cushy future or whatever. So it just made me feel secure, I guess,

but I'm not bad. I'm not sure how to put it. I'm never really thought about it. I'm just going to think for a second because I'm trying to figure out how to phrase this. Yeah. I think oddly enough, Gork, I don't think the,

issue is about feeling better than others. I'm really curious about, I think it's, that's the, that's the side of the coin. That's one side of the coin is when you feel adequate, you feel superior and you feel better. What I'm really curious about is like, how do you feel when you get a beat? I don't know. I feel like, uh, I feel like a disappointment to myself more than anything. Okay, in what way are you disappointing yourself? I just, I mean, I don't know. Ever since I was like a small kid, everybody just said, I'm the smart kid or whatever,

and then I feel like I'm just betraying that image of myself, which made me feel so good. I'm such a smart kid or whatever. And then all of a sudden, it all comes crumbling down as soon as I don't perform. And the same with streaming, you know, when people put pressure on you that, oh, you're the biggest Dota 2 streamer right now, whatever.

As soon as I feel like I'm not the biggest or I'm not growing fast enough, I feel like, My entire self-image just crumbles. Yes. Okay. So I think that's where the money is. Okay?

So we're going to talk about that. So what we're talking about here is, hold on, is living up to expectations. Yeah. Right? That's what this, does that make sense? Like what I'm hearing from you is that, like, you have expectations that you need to live up to. And if you don't live up to those expectations, then you're kind of letting everyone down and you feel bad about yourself. No.

And the scary thing... Yeah. So I... Yeah. So we can get into it more later. But it's not like I just feel bad. I literally feel like I don't want to live anymore. Like it gets to that point where I shut out, everybody out of my life.

And like, I totally isolate myself in between my streams. I just feel totally awful. When you shot other people out, what is it that you don't want them to see? I don't know. I just feel like, I feel like an even angrier version of myself. as soon as I start sharing with other people. It's kind of hard for me to share with other people because all that builds up to me

is this like self-conflicting thing where I'm not really who I present myself to be. I just feel ashamed, I guess. Yeah. The way I am or acted or I'm not succeeding. Yeah, so you feel ashamed for not living up to expectations. Yeah. Mostly the ones I put on myself, but yeah.

I don't think anybody else but it puts really high expectations of me, not my parents or anything. Okay. And so if there are expectations that you put on yourself, why do you have to shut people out? What is it that makes you shut people out when you're not living up to them?

I don't know. It just feels like, I don't know, whenever I talk about it, like now talking about it with you is not so bad, but whenever I talk about it to other people, it just brings back those feelings of inadequacy And those make me so angry that I even feel like that in the first place. So it just cycles my anger.

Yes. Okay. So, fantastic. I mean, so I do this thing on stream where I say positive things, but it's not that. Yeah. It's fantastic. It's just, I think it's a really important point. Okay?

Because you're noticing there are two things going on. There is the original thing that happens in your mind. And then there is the way that you judge yourself for having that thing. Mm-hmm. There's the initial thing. and then there's the reaction to the thing. There's the feeling ashamed and then getting angry at yourself

for feeling the way that you do. Those are two separate things. Each of them have their own origin. Let's start with... Let me just think for a second. When did you start beating yourself up? I don't know. I've never really beaten myself as much as when I started streaming, I guess.

That's when all this pressure came. Okay. And tell me about beating yourself up since you've started streaming. I don't know I guess I feel like it all goes back to an image I build up about myself that I don't feel like I live up to

so like I build up an image of you know like whatever up and coming or a big streamer or whatever kind of label I want to put on it and as soon as I don't feel like I live up to it even living up to something like as I'm funny or good at the game anything really as soon as I don't feel like I'm looking up to it

I just get so angry at myself and I really hate it Okay. Why is it important for you to be a big person? I don't know, actually. I don't have a clue. It's just something that drives me. Okay. Do you feel like a small person? Sometimes. Okay. Can you tell me about your upbringing a little bit? I don't know what's much to say. I was mostly raised by my mom. Pretty relaxed parents.

I could play however late into the night I wanted to. I was kind of free to set my own goals and expectations about school, and I did that. I never had really any pressure to do anything. Maybe sometimes I got like foreign parents there like, why don't you become a doctor? I mean, like, maybe. That's as far as it went. There's nothing like super pressure about it. I don't know.

I had a pretty normal childhood, I guess. I wasn't, I was kind of a class clown in my first years, and then I became like more. of a gamer slash shut-in type of person in my high school years. I was never the most popular kid, but I was never bullied either or anything like that. Okay. So what I'm hearing from you is that there's like, there's no like, sometimes when people come on stream, you know, there's something really bad that happened to them or someone that treated them very badly or something like that. And I'm not hearing any of that from you. No, I wouldn't say so. Okay. Can you tell me a little bit about, you have siblings, by the way? I have one older brother, but he's like,

nine or ten years older than me, so we're not super close. What do you remember about him growing up? Well, I remember he didn't let me play on the computer a lot, which annoyed me. Other than that, I mean, there was such a big age difference between us that he was like living his own life and I was living mine. He was almost like a father figure to me in some ways because my dad wasn't around. Tell me about your dad. I don't know what there's to say.

It was like I met him every other weekend. He was an alright dad. He was okay. I don't really know what to say about him. He liked me or he loved me a lot, but he wasn't very nice to my mother. He wasn't very nice to my family and overall. So my mother alienated him from him,

the first 10 or 12 years of my life, I guess. But yeah, we got closer in the end. He got sick and he died when I was about 15. By then we had gotten pretty close to each other. at least. Yeah. So, but I wouldn't say he was a big part of my life before the last part of his, I guess, if that makes sense. Yeah, it makes a lot of sense.

It sounds like he wasn't really a big part of your life. And then just when you guys were getting closer, he sort of, unfortunately ended up passing away. Yeah. How do you feel about that? Well, I feel like some, in some ways, I feel like I got robbed a bit out of a dad because, you know, he wasn't really there when, uh, In my teenage years, I feel like I needed him a lot. I feel like my late teenage years were pretty rough. I think my dad could have helped a lot.

But I don't know. The thing I think about my dad was the most guilty, like the most guilty thing I've ever felt about my life was when my dad was dying, he was like sick in the hospital. I didn't go visit him because I felt, I think I justified it. I felt like it was too hard to sit there with him as he was dying. It was. But instead I just sat home and just played video games.

And I, every time I think about them, I just think about I should have fucking been there, you know? That's what I think about when I think about my dad. I don't even think about much else because that's when we were the closest. Yeah. So let me ask you something, Gork. What were you in that moment when you didn't go see your dad? What kind of person were you?

I was just, I don't know, I wasn't a person. I feel like I was just floating in the clouds playing video games. If I had to say what kind of person I was, it wasn't really a person. It was just, you know, just the boy playing video games. Didn't care about anything in the world. Yeah, let me try a word. Inadequate? Inadequate by not going to see him.

Yeah, an inadequate son. Yeah, for sure. I like guilting myself about stuff. That's one of the things. The most simple form of inadequacy, right? The most simple, the most devastating... How can I say this? You know, in order to be a good person,

in order to be a good son, in order to, you know, do the right thing. You just had to do one thing. And that was... I just had to be there. Yeah. And you didn't do that. No.

So what kind of person doesn't do that? Well, I don't know. I feel like now to think about it, if I was older, I would feel really bad about it. But I don't know. I feel like then I was just a kid and I was stupid. But I still feel guilty about it because I was not that young.

I was like 14.15. Yeah, so we're going to get to that and how that part of your mind works. But let me ask you this. When you're losing a game and people are trolling you, does that feel at all like how, when they attack you,

is that how you feel, is that what you tell yourself when you feel guilty? Does that make sense? When they attack me, what do I feel? Do you attack yourself in the same way? Like when you get angry with yourself? Yeah.

I mean, I'm already very angry with myself. I like most of my anger doesn't like come from other people putting pressure on me. I feel like it just affirms it in a way. That's exactly, right? So I think the problem here, the reason that you're so sensitive to other people attacking you is because those guys are actually like, when people attack you on stream, those are the people that you're queuing with. Okay. Those are the people in your party. Does that make sense?

I guess. Who's the captain? I'm the captain. Absolutely. Sure. Mm-hmm. Right? And what's the goal? To win.

And what does winning mean with those guys and you as the captain? Beating the opponent? Yeah. And the opponent this time is like proving to yourself that you're kind of like a piece of shit. It's attacking you. right they're like you're attacking you they're attacking you and that's like because you just like there's a part of you that feels like you deserve it

yeah for sure and let's just think about this for a second why do you deserve it because I'm not good enough for myself yes and when did you start becoming not good enough I don't know whenever I put these standards on myself I guess I started streaming

and people built up an image about me that I needed to uphold I think it goes deeper than that right? Because I think at that point you were already you were already the party leader and the stream just started to grow things that was like accelerant or fertilizer

for what was already there so I absolutely believe because that's what streaming does like streaming this is something that everyone needs to understand social media just amplifies the feelings that you already have. Like when you watch, like, when you think about something like FOMO, like fear of missing out, right? Like, you already feel like you're missing out in some things in life.

And when social media like shows all the things that you're missing out, it amplifies like all of your weaknesses and vulnerabilities. It amplifies your inadequacies. I don't think it creates them. I think it just takes what's there and like messes with our brain because suddenly like when it comes to your sense of self-worth, Gork, that's kind of like a nebulous thing. Like, you can't quantify your sense of self-worth until you start streaming. And then you can quantify it, right? Like, you can look and you can see, like, okay, like, I'm half as good as I used to be yesterday. And there's a lot of protection in not being able to quantify stuff. You're like, ah, that's just a

feeling. But now you have proof about how you're becoming a worse person. Yeah. And that can be very damaging. So I do believe that the stream sort of made a lot of this stuff worse, but it sounds to me like you had some of these feelings of inadequacy like way before that. Yeah, I guess I've always had them. They're just gone a lot worse the past couple years. That I believe.

And I'm sorry about that. And I hope today we'll be able to help you some. And we can also talk a little bit more afterward about thinking about how to better manage this stuff. Okay. So a couple of other things, Gork, I know, I just wanted to. You know, you were a little bit concerned about coming on because there are some people who troll you and you were worried about giving them ammo, which I think is a really... Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I feel like it's... I already exposed myself a lot on my stream and I feel like, I don't know. Even exposing myself even more, it sounds like a dangerous thing. Yeah. Talking about why I feel the way I feel and stuff.

Yeah. Because then maybe people are going to press on it more when I'm feeling down. Yeah. So I appreciate you coming on because I think you're actually doing something really important. for everyone who's watching. And this doesn't work unless people are willing to come on and be authentic. And that's like, I think the thing from Recful Stream that people are kind of running with is AEOE healing. Okay. And it doesn't, like, it requires people like you, so I want to thank you for coming on,

even at risk to yourself. The other thing that I want to tell you is that if shit does go south for you, please let me know. And I'm happy to try to help you work through that, like online or offline. Like, if they're attacking you, then we should probably do it offline. all right thanks but you know I don't want to I don't want anything that we do here

to actually hurt you in any way so I'm here for you thanks I want to get back to this thing though because I think to me like it's kind of interesting that you know you're angry at yourself for being we use the word inadequate but I wonder if it actually

even runs deeper like it's almost like the world realizes sometimes that you're a shitty person yeah Yeah. Is that what it feels like? I mean, definitely, something I've thought about a lot. Whenever I'm feeling bad at myself, I feel like, oh, shit, people are going to find out of them a fraud or something like that. That's a shitty feeling to have. Yeah. So this is important, right? Because, like, why do you think that you're a fraud to begin with? Like, where does that sense of being a fraud? Because I think this is what happens. Like, when you succeed, it doesn't actually build your confidence. All it does is increase your terror. Yeah. yeah, for sure. Right? Which is weird. Like, you'd think that, like, people think that confidence

comes from success. Like, they think, like, oh, like, Gork is a successful streamer. Like, he does such a good job. Like, why isn't he confident? But the funny thing is that the higher you rise, the more unstable you become. Yeah. Why? What goes on in your head? Because it's longer the fall. Absolutely. And this is the other thing. This is important to understand, Gork. You feel like it's inevitable that you're going to fall. it feels like it's i mean i don't know my my success was very rapid i guess in a sense so why wouldn't the downfall be as well i think it goes deeper than that that's just logic this isn't logic okay so the let me i'm gonna i would ask you but i think it's like a little bit too much of

read my mind so i'm going to start just kind of offering some ideas right so the person who knows that the fall is coming eventually is the person who like it doesn't have faith in who they are. So, like, if I calibrate to be, I'm going to use Dota terminology, because I know Gorktik plays Dota and I play Dota, so for people who don't play Dota, apologies. I thought it's funny that you actually play Toda.

So, like, if I calibrate to ancient, so actually this happened to me. So I played my first calibration game for, for CORE, and I was in a group of, like, I was in an ancient game. So it was like a bunch of ancients. I was like, oh, shit. And then, like, actually, I played an LC offlane game,

and I ended up winning. And I've actually played really well. And so then like, but I was actually terrified because I was like, oh, shit, that means like my next calibration game is going to be like higher than ancient, right? Or it's like, instead of being like ancient ones and ancient twos, it's going to be like high ancient. And then I ended up losing that second game. But like, even though, like, I didn't gain confidence from the game, I gained fear. I became more afraid because I knew in my heart that I wasn't an ancient.

Okay. I know that I'm like somewhere between arcon and legend. Like that's like in my heart of hearts. That's what I believe about myself. And I'm not actually an ancient. Sounds like a self-damaging belief. Yeah, but I believe it, right? Okay.

Like, I mean, I know that about myself. All right, all right. And so what do I think is going to happen? Like, let's say I play another ancient game. And if I believe that I'm an arcane player and I play like ancient and I win again, like what happens to that belief? I mean, it kind of depends. guess it stays there or maybe it disappears.

And I'm like, oh, it's only a matter of time before I start fucking up and my MMR begins to fall. Only a matter of time. Yeah. That's how you feel about yourself, right? For sure. Absolutely. So now we get to the point, Gork. Why do I believe I'm an Arkham?

Why do I have your words, that self-damaging belief? Where does that come from? I don't know. That's something you made up yourself. It comes from somewhere. right? Like somewhere along the way, like I had some idea that like I'm an arc on. So in your case, what do you believe about yourself? I don't know. I mean, it varies from day to day. When I have a good day, I feel good about myself. I feel like I'm the man.

No, no, no, no, no. I know you feel like you're the man. So that's a good. Yeah. So on those good days, when things get quiet and you have a moment that you stop thinking that you're the man, what's the scary thought that's floating around in the back of your mind? Oh shit, I can't wait to have a bad day. It's coming soon. Yes. Right? That's the arcon inside you. So then the question becomes like, what do you think about yourself in that moment?

Give me color. Give me flavor. What I think about myself on the bad day? I don't know. It's mostly just fear all the time. I feel like I fear. Sometimes after I had a good stream, I don't even want to stream the next day because I fear. Having a bad stream, having a bad mood. Yes. What are you afraid of? What does that mean if you have a bad stream?

I will feel terrible by myself. I'll beat myself up about it. So then I don't want to feel that way. And why are you beating yourself up? Because I am not good enough. And where did you learn that you're not good enough? I don't know. I'm not sure.

When in your life, so if we think about someone who isn't good enough, it means that they don't do a good job, right? Yeah. And you have a really powerful belief that you're not good enough. Agreed? You have a really deep-seated belief that you're like guardian. Like not even an archon, but guardian. Like I believe I'm an archon, but you believe deep down that you're a guardian or whatever the thing below guardian is.

So like that belief is potent and that you're not good enough. And if we think about it, like for you to not be good enough, you had to do, you had to really fuck up something like really simple. Like you had to just play a really shitty game of Dota and that got like burned in your mind. So what did you- What did you fuck up that was just so incredibly simple? That the only person who would fuck it up would be the person that like is just completely incompetent. Right? That belief about yourself comes from somewhere.

Yeah. I can't really, I can't really think back that far. It doesn't pop into my mind right away. How did you feel? The only thing that pops into my mind is, well, I guess I felt like, I felt like shit. Actually, that's not even the truth.

I didn't even feel like shit. The first, wow. That sounds really bad. No, but I really started, I think this is right. I think you're on the right track. Start feeling shit when I got older and more mature. I was like, holy fuck, I was so stupid back then. When I got a little bit older,

that's when I felt like it's really so simple. And if I was in his sense, seat. How would I feel about my kid not coming? I don't know. Like, that's what I felt. You hear that? It's so simple. Yeah. Right? That's the guardian level language.

It's so simple. All you had to do... Hold on one second. So all you had to do was show up. And it's so simple. Like, you see what I mean? Like, that's guardian level. Like, all you have to do is fucking, like, you know, just right-click the enemy hero.

That's all you've got to do. And you couldn't even do that. And then as you grew older, how did you start to feel about yourself? I've always felt worse and worse every year, I feel like. Worse and worse, right? And worse in what way? I mean, it kind of depends. I feel worse in a lot of ways.

I think there are two main ways. There are two things that have been... How did 18-year-old feel... How did 18-year-old you feel about 14-year-old you? that I was an idiot. Just that was plain and simple. It wasn't like I had the wrong priorities back then or so. I'm not really sure.

Yeah. So I'm getting a lot of, so Gork, I'm asking you a lot of sort of repetitive questions. Does it feel like that too? Yeah. No, no,

it's okay. Okay. So I think part of what we're going through is something called Alexaithymia. So I think that I can, I can, like you understand when I explain analogies, right? Like you understand that like what I mean by Guardian-lovable,

belief and that you have like a really deep seat set belief in your in your lack like in who you are like you think that you're just fundamentally like a failure yeah and so despite all of your successes you can't shake that feeling and that's because that feeling doesn't come from dona it comes from somewhere else so it's kind of like saying like oh like you know you keep on losing the game because you're not my mid isn't rotating enough and but that's not the reason you're losing. The reason you're losing is because you always fucking pick alchemist and you build, you buy 14 tangos at the

beginning. Yeah. And so it's a misdiagnosis which is why it's not fixing the problem. Mm-hmm. And so I think that the challenge here is that like you understand this stuff on an intellectual level, but whenever I ask you about how

you felt, it's hard for you to come up with words. Yeah. Because I really genuinely feel like I didn't feel anything back then. Yes. And this is because of gaming. So it's partially because you're male, partially because of your biology, and partially because you're gaming. So when we play video games, so you kind of said, like, what were you doing when your dad was dying? I was playing World of Warcraft. And so what do you think that does to the way that you feel?

Numseth. Absolutely. So the problem here is that when I'm asking you about how you felt, You don't remember because you didn't feel it. And the reason you didn't feel it is because you were playing World of Warcraft. And World of Warcraft has a wonderful effect on your brain. There's a part of your brain called the amygdala, and there's a part of your brain called the limbic system. The amygdala is sort of our fear and survival center.

Our limbic system is our emotional center of the brain. If I do a study and I take a bunch of people who are playing World of Warcraft, what do you think I'll see in their amygdala or Olympic system. What does it do to that part of the brain? Well, it's all got to be flatlined, right? I guess. Absolutely. Exactly correct. Shuts it off.

So when we play video games, the experience of negative emotion goes away. Yeah. Right? So, like, I'm hearing a couple of really interesting things, which suggests to me that the money is somewhere around early high school. So here's what I've heard so far. I used to be a class clown. What happened in high school?

my dad died? Yeah. Right? And then you became isolated. You started playing video games. I think it's unfair to say. I was playing a lot of video games before that as well. Sure.

But yeah. But the isolation started around then, right? Yeah. Okay. So the other thing that you were mentioning is that when did you start comparing yourself to other people and caring about grades? That was an eighth grade. I think that's when you're, I don't know, 13 or something, 14. Yeah, I'm not sure.

And when did your dad get sick? Around 13 or 14, I guess. Okay. It was around there. He was one and a half year of cancer. Yeah. Right? So, like, I think some things, like, there are just too many things.

And when I asked you, like, before we started talking, streaming, I'd ask you, like, you know, when did the feelings of inadequacy begin? Like, when did you start compare? Actually, not the feelings of inadequacy. This is different. when did you start getting satisfaction by being better than other people? And what did you say? Do you remember?

I don't remember, but I guess it was around eighth grade then, right? With the grades. Yep. Yeah. So there are a lot of logical reasons why, you know, like you didn't have grades before eighth grade. Yeah. You know, actually you had been gaming before. But like, to me, it seems like bizarre that in the span of 45 minutes, we come to like this one time zone over and over and over again.

Yeah. And so I think something really powerful happened to you during that time. And I think you don't even know what happened to you because there were parts of your brain. Like you were blocking it out so heavily that like you didn't even understand what was happening. Yeah. But I don't, you don't keep on talking about when you were eight. You don't keep on talking about when you were 18. You don't keep on talking about when you were 21.

No. I don't remember those days so well. I feel like, well, I mean, also not something to mention. I don't think I've cried since then either. Since I was 13. Yeah. I've definitely not cried at all. I've been through breakups and many deaths and family and stuff.

I've never really felt like a visceral emotional response to it. Even though I'm not, I don't think I'm a psychopath or anything, but I just can't express myself that. Yeah. So this is also, so the Alexa thymia means inability to determine your internal emotional environment. So you don't know what you feel. Yeah. Like your brain has become so.

That limbic system, that amygdala has become so shut off that you don't, it's almost like you don't have the capacity to cry. No. Like when people think like, oh, someone hasn't cried, like they must be really strong. Like, it's not that you're strong, although you are. It's just that you literally don't know how to. Yeah. And so I think that, like, to me, it sounds to me, like, you've really done one thing that I can think of that justifies. the way that you feel about yourself, which is that you're inadequate and that you're kind of like fundamentally a failure.

And that people are going to see, like even though you pretend to be something big and wonderful and glorious, people are going to see one day that you're a complete piece of shit. And what do you think I think that thing is? I think that's related to me not visiting my dad. Absolutely. Because that is the most basic thing. Yeah. What do you think? I think you're

it's kind of hard for me to like agree with you because I don't know like you said I feel like my emotions have flatline so I can't really fully agree with you because I don't know really if that's the case or not Yep So now now this is kind of an interesting place right So sometimes people come on stream

And they like have these like big emotional like oh like you know like Rackful was like really emotional and like Sky was really emotional And people get really emotional And I think like there's I'm almost concerned that there's like an expectation that that's what's going to happen. I can't put on the waterworks.

I'm sorry. Yeah, and I don't think you should. Yeah. Right? So, like, even that, like, I feel the pressure of, like, making you cry, but I don't. You're going in for the kill, okay? No, no, no, I mean, I think we're there. I think it's just, you're just so emotionally flatlined that that's not going to happen.

So what we have to do is, like, like, you know, we have to explore those emotions. You've got to, like, learn how to experience and remember. And I think that the way that this is going to happen is through, like, actually, your anger. Because you can experience anger. Oh, anger, I can experience a lot. I've broken anything. Let's talk about this for a second. Like, I'm going to just explain something to you, Gork.

So, and feel free to jump in if you have questions or thoughts or agree or disagree. So anger, I want everyone to understand this. Anger is a protective emotion. Right? So like anger is the emotion that we feel to bury all of our other emotions. Yeah. So when I get, like, when I get dumped by my girlfriend, can you guys imagine like, sure, sometimes I'll feel sad. But other times, like, I won't feel sad at all. I'll just be fucking pissed. I'll be angry at her.

I'll be like, fuck her. Like, she doesn't know what she's missing. She doesn't, she's not going to end up with anyone good. Like, she's a piece of shit. How could she do this to me? Like, fuck her. Does that make sense to you that someone could feel that way? Of course. right so what there are other emotions too like there are other thoughts and feelings that they could be having like what else do you think they could be feeling instead of anger yeah or underneath the anger well i guess a bunch of emotions like jealousy and uh hatred i guess it's kind of like anger sadness of course yeah yeah right so there are other thoughts that they could be having but they don't realize they're having these thoughts which is that if she dumped me is everyone else

going to as well. Like that thought almost always is there, but people don't, they don't realize that. Like there are other like deeper thoughts like, am I fundamentally unlovable? Is something wrong with me? Yeah. All that stuff is there, but we just don't feel it. So in your case, Gork, I think that this may feel a little bit unsatisfying, but I think in your case, you've got to learn how to do a couple of things. One is recognize that there's something inside you, which I think you've already done, which sort of fundamentally, like, you start with this idea that you're like a guardian level player. Okay.

Like, you have to think about, like, that comes from somewhere, right? And out of everything that we've put to you, I think logically, I think I can win you over, although I fully understand that it doesn't feel right, that it has to do with your dad. But I think that's because you're so separated from your feelings that it's not going to feel like anything. If you were in touch with it, because this comes from a feeling, it's not logic, right? Get that? And since you're so, since you're not capable of feeling things besides anger right now, you're not going to be able to find the source of it because you're blind. It's like you're playing Dota with your monitor off and then like, you know, you're not going to be able to tell what's going on. Like it's just impossible.

So we have to teach you how to feel your emotions. And I think the first thing that we're going to do is through anger. Like anger is going to be your clue. The other thing at some point that I think you should do is learn how to forgive yourself. What do you think about? That's hard. That's my main issue. I can't do that. It's impossible. Why not?

Well, we said a couple words before this out of the stream, but it's basically because I feel like me not forgiving myself is feeling like me giving up on improving. Like, I think a reason I even had success in the first place is because I always, no matter what, like started my stream every day, no matter how bad I felt, I just start. And even though I hate, like, how I perform, I started every day. I'm, like, vigilant. And if I forgive myself and start taking it easy on myself, I feel like I'm going to stop improving. That's a fear I have all the time. So let me ask you this. What is forgiving?

What is, what do you think forgiving yourself means? Uh, I don't know. Giving yourself a break from failures. And... You're not willing to do that. It's hard. I know it's probably better to do it, but I just can't. There's a block for me.

I've thought about it. It's destructive behavior, like, hating myself. And it only leads to me being worse person and being more unhappy. But I just can't stop doing it. It's like the main issue I have. Yeah, so we did talk a little bit before. And this is the thing that I explained to Gork, which I'll explain to everyone else. I think in Gork's case, this is dangerous because

the way that he treats him the way you treat yourself gork is responsible for a lot of your success right? That being unable to forgive yourself is a lot of what keeps you as successful because that's where your drive comes from

that's where your work ethic comes from you don't you don't deserve to rest you don't deserve forgiveness you just need to do better and better and better and better and then it's like you're whipping yourself right like you're whipping yourself right Like you're whipping yourself like you're like like whipping like a horse or cattle or something to run. You're like harder, gork, harder, more and more.

It's not good enough. It's not good enough. Keep going. I don't care if it hurts. You keep going. And then what happens is social media and Twitch come along and they say, hey, look, when you do this to yourself, you become what, Gork? Angry. Angry?

Sure. But I was going for successful. Oh, okay. Yes. not too sure. Right? So then the world tells you, hey,

this is a winning strategy. This works for you. Look at all the viewers you're getting. So beat yourself up more, man. Yeah. And now... They just, what? They help beating me as well a little bit along the way.

Yeah, right. And that's, you guys are, like, that's why you, you know, like, here's the thing,

Gork, do you think you would stream? Do you think that it would help or hurt your motivation if everyone in stream loved you? you constantly. Sorry, you cut out there for a second. Sorry. Do you think it would help or hurt your motivation if everyone on stream loved you constantly?

No, I would just feel like it would, something would be wrong then. Okay, good. What would be wrong? I mean, I've had this before, um, where I feel mad about myself and stuff, but people feel sympathy for me. And I mean, there are generally some very nice people out there that feel sympathy for me. But then I feel like I don't deserve it. And then it just gets worse.

Like, I just get even angrier because, fuck, man, there's so many nice people out there, you know, they're trying to be supportive and stuff. And it's like, it's just, but it's not right, you know, I didn't do well enough to deserve it. Yeah. So when did you, when did you, how did you learn that you don't deserve other people's kindness? What kind of person doesn't deserve people's kindness, Gork?

I don't know, nobody, I guess, but I don't feel that way about myself. That's not true. So what kind of person, like, why don't you deserve other people's kindness? Like, everyone does. Except you. Okay. Yeah. Right?

Yeah. But I don't know why. I could just because I'm not good enough. That's pretty much it. Yeah, right. I just didn't perform well enough. You're not good enough. Yeah.

Did you feel that way when you were like growing up? Yeah. A lot of the time. I always had my older brother to compare with. And he was always better. He's older, stronger, stronger, bigger. Mm-hmm. never quite as good as him.

Okay. I'm smiling because I think I may... I have one more thing that I'd like to ask you about. So tell me about... You said that when you were growing up, your parents were divorced? Yeah, since I was four. Okay.

And what were things like you said something about your dad didn't treat your mom well? Well, my earliest childhood memories was my dad, like, yelling a lot of my mom and my mom complaining a lot about my dad, basically. And I was kind of in between all that stuff. And it sucks as a kid. Okay. What sucked about it?

Well, it sucked, I don't know. It sucked just knowing that my dad is so shit according to my mom and that they hate each other so much. and I didn't understand why when I was a kid. I didn't know what my dad had done wrong, only that I was taught to hate him too for the first like 10 years of my life. And then after that, I realized maybe that wasn't the full truth, but yeah.

Tell me about that. How were you taught to hate your dad? Well, basically it was a piece of shit because, well, one reason, I do think justifiably I should maybe not like my dad. My dad was pretty well off, not super well off, but he was well off.

My mom didn't have like a job, and she was struggling, a lot. She was like, I remember her even crying in the kitchen one day because you didn't have a job. And I knew my dad had money and could help us out, but he'd like bail on us. And that made me start hate my dad as well a lot. And also made me really fearful of also running out of money one day. That would suck a lot being like my mom crying on the table, like in front of my kids that's pretty shitty. She like drained my brother's bank account just to be able to pay months rent and stuff. And that's really something that fucked with me. And, uh,

what way? Well, ever since, ever since that moment, I remember that moment very clearly. Ever since that moment, I've never like, I never like spending money. Like, whatever money I make right now, I save everything because I'm really fearful of running out of it. And I hate spending on anything that's excessive for myself because I'm afraid of losing all my money. And yeah, well, like I said, my dad could have helped us out, but he didn't. And my mom was stuck in a shitty situation. And do you remember, I mean, so it sounds like you remember a specific instance where your mom was crying. Yeah. I remember that one very clearly. How did it, do you remember what it felt like to watch her cry? I don't know. I just remember I felt, I felt like angry and I felt sad because I think that

that's, I mean, genuinely what I thought about is that I think that's what a lot of things that drives me is the fact that I don't want to be poor like that. And, you know, I don't want my mom to be out of money again. She's better now, but yeah. What were you sad about? I don't know. I was sad about her being sad. I'm not sure. I was too young to understand, really. Yeah. And what changed for you around the age of 10? Well, like I said, I just got a lot more money conscious at a very young age. I didn't spend my allowance. I didn't do anything like that. I just gave it all back to my mom. That's rare.

I felt very different from other kids in that regard, but I didn't spend my allowance. I just didn't feel right. How are you different from other kids? But I didn't like spending money. I didn't like buying toys and shit like that. Okay. I'm going to think for a second. Is that okay? Yeah, of course.

I'm debating between asking you what you want help with and trying to figure out what you need help with. Sorry, you cut off for last part there? I was, I'm debating in my mind between asking you what you want help with, like how can I help you? and trying to figure out for myself what I think you need. Yeah. The thing is, I feel like I have so many aspects that I could need help with, I guess.

I mean, not many, but a couple of aspects, like I mentioned, feeling inadequate and always having a fear of running out of money and stuff. But, yeah, I guess if you ask me what I need help with, I guess it's dealing with my ego in a way and breaking out of the cycle of constant self-hatred about everything. basically. Okay. So breaking out of that constant cycle of self-hatred involves two approaches. One is that we have to get to the root of where the self-hatred exists.

Okay. And we have to fix that. We have to heal it. Yeah. The other thing that we can do is stop the process of the cycle. Not get the root, but just like cancel it in the middle. So I'm going to do both. We're going to do both, okay? So the first thing is that, as I mentioned to you before, so let me just think for a second. So I think this actually segues well into what we normally do on Sunday.

So I'm going to try to explain to you, Gorg, how your mind works and like the function of it, okay? So you have this unshakable belief that you're inadequate and not good enough and that the rest of the world, it's only a matter of time before everyone knows. Yeah. That's one part of your mind. And whether that comes from, whether it's too simplistic for me to sort of believe that that comes from your dad and like watching your dad die, I think it's actually more complicated than that. I don't think you are quite as emotionally dead as you sometimes come across. I think actually we're missing it by a little bit and I'm actually getting, I'm overvaluing your dad's passing. I think there's something actually before your dad's passing that is actually where the money is.

And it's going to take more time to explore and figure that out. there's something weird about judgment and self-worth and like there's one question that I've been wanting to ask you and I just haven't figured out how to frame this and it's like did you think that if you had done a better job your dad would have been nicer to you guys or would have been around more no I don't think I blame myself for that okay I couldn't find kind of an usually I ask one question related to another question. I couldn't find anything relating to that, but I just have to wonder something about,

you know, it just sounded strange that he was kind of demonized and then around the age of 10. You started to like think like maybe this is different. Yeah, because we started having more contact with each other, basically. We started meeting up on every weekend and took me out doing stuff, I guess. Yeah. And you say that your dad loved you a lot. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. And so, I mean, I think you blame yourself a lot for not going to see him before you die.

Before he died, sorry? Yeah, I did. I do. And I think when you blame yourself for that, like, you start to think that you're, I mean, it was such a simple thing and such like a core thing for a son to do for their father. Mm-hmm. That, like, that crime in your mind, I think is unforgivable. Yeah. I don't like to think about it a lot because it feels so, I mean. I guess it feels pointless because he's already dead. Because I can't really do anything about it anymore.

So when I said that for a second, you bit your lip, what did you feel in your body? I don't know. I don't know how to put it into words. Okay. Close your eyes. Okay. Tell me what you feel in your body right now. I don't know.

I feel so emotionally numb. I don't really feel anything. I'm not asking about emotions. I'm talking about physical sensations. Okay. Well, I was very aware that my breathing. breathing was very shitty now, so now I started breathing better. Okay, what was...

I felt like my breathing was extremely shallow and just in the stomach before. Okay, and what were you feeling in your stomach or your chest or your throat? Well, I was feeling really uncomfortable because my palms are really sweaty. And I guess in my chest I was feeling a little bit of trembling for some reason. I don't know why. Yeah. It might be related to the breathing. Okay, what do you...

Are you still feeling the trembling? Maybe a little bit. I'm feeling some discomfort in the chest there. Eyes closed. Okay, sorry. So I want you to put yourself in the shoes of 18-year-old gork. Thinking about 14-year-old gork. Yeah. What do you feel in your body when you like remember the way that you used to think about yourself?

We're not going to see your dad. I guess I feel some guilt, but it's not overbearing because I feel like at 18 I was still in the clouds playing my video games. When did the guilt start to get bad? The guilt started to get worse, the older I get. I feel like this is the worst right now when I'm 26. When you think about your 13-year-old self, how do you feel about that 14-year-old gork?

My 13-year-old feels about my 14-year-old. No, sorry, how does the current gork feel about your 14-year-old gork? My 13-year-old self? what happened back then? What do you mean? My dad got sick. So today, when you think about the way that you used to be, like just today. Yes.

When you think about when you were in high school and your dad was sick, how do you feel about yourself? I just feel stupid, but I feel like I wouldn't have done anything different today because I have not matured since then, really. I'm just the same idiot playing games and only thinking about myself. Yeah. And those thoughts, what do you feel right now in your body as you say that? I feel like comfortable. I started filling with my hands. I don't know.

I felt like I started pressing a bit on myself because I mean, maybe it was a way to self-punish. I'm not sure. Okay. Yeah. I just felt stupid, I guess. Yeah. What does stupid feel like in your body? Like a flushing heart sensation, I guess.

Where? My neck throat face. Okay. Is the flushing still there? A little bit, I guess. Okay. So Gork, I want you to sit up straight. Okay.

Okay. And I want you to lay your palms face up on your knees. Check a night look. Yeah, yeah, you're not going to be able to see. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. And I want you to breathe in. Slowly and out slowly and then again. And I want you to notice, continue breathing, and notice the temperature of your breath. And everybody at home should be doing this too. Tell me what you notice about your temperature, the temperature of your breath.

I notice it's hot and moist because my mustache is absorbing it. Okay. So you're noticing the breath on your mustache. That's what you're paying attention to. I want you to go into the nose. What do you notice about the breath in your nose? Well, I notice it's kind of hot because my room is too fucking hot right now. Hot going in or coming out?

Going in. Okay. So I want you to follow it. Follow that sensation of heat as it enters your nose, and where does it go? First it goes to my chest, and then it starts filling up my stomach. Okay. What happens to it as it goes into your chest and stomach? You feel warmth there? Yeah.

Warmth, a little bit of tingling. Okay. And then follow it as you exhale as well. So it goes down into your stomach. And as you exhale, can you follow it back out? Yeah. Does it change it all on the way out? Yeah.

Feels like it's smoother going out. Okay. Now I want you to pay attention to your shoulders below your stomach. Does your breath go there? Well, it does now, but it maybe didn't before. Okay. Okay, so follow that sensation. Are we talking about shoulders or below the stomach?

It goes to the stomach mostly now. So pay attention, see if it goes even a little bit beyond the stomach, into the hips, into the legs. What do you feel? I feel a nice, warming, calming, sensation in my body, I guess. Okay. Is that something that you feel often? Not really.

What does your body usually feel? Uncomfortable, I guess. A little bit and a shallow breath a lot. Yep, you can come back when you're ready. Okay. Now I think I know how to help you. Mm-hmm. First of all, what did you think of that practice?

I think it was nice. I've tried meditation before, but I didn't feel like it helped me a lot, but I feel like it helped a lot when you told me what to do, at least. So you're not going to get, so you're not going to be able to forgive yourself unless you first master anger. You cut off there, what do you say?

So I said, you're not going to be able to forgive yourself until you first master your anger. Everything is being buried by your anger. Anger is the only thing you can detect. Even in terms of, so what's happening is like for men especially who are elixothymic, the way that I help them understand

their emotions because many, much like yourself, like you guys just can't, it's like you're colorblind. And it just doesn't matter how hard I try to tell you to see the blue or the purple. You just can't see color and you're not going to be able to see color. You see just one color, which is anger. Right? So it's my belief that the anger, and this we've talked through before, that you have some deeper sense of inadequacy or shame or your piece of shit or you don't deserve, Like everyone else deserves forgiveness, right? But who doesn't deserve forgiveness, Gork? Me.

Absolutely. So just like, think about that for a second. That is not logical at all. That absolutely comes from an emotion. That comes from a sense of self. That comes from a sense of self that is just, you have committed crimes so bad that you are unforgivable. Yeah.

So somewhere in there you committed something, you did something where you got this belief. that you are just not worth you're not worth anything and even though we can logically kind of get to it I don't think you can get to it emotionally which is exactly what you need to. Yeah. But in order to

get to it the problem is that your anger protects you from it because when you get angry at yourself and when when those 5% of Twitch chat starts hating you you just jump right on board because you're like this is a game I know how to play. Yeah. Like I understand how to do this like this make actually in a weird way

that makes you feel good. It does. It makes you feel like, it makes it, it's just, right? It makes you feel righteous. Like, this is what I deserve. Like, they see me for the person that I am, which is like a real piece of shit. And you're like, I can get on board with that. You guys want to beat the shit out of me?

Like, let me show you how. You can get on board of that. And as long as that feeling is there, you're not going to be able to get underneath. Mm-hmm. So you have to dismantle the anger. How would I do that? By breathing. right so the next time you you start to tilt on stream so you've got a couple of options one is that

if i can catch you while you're live i would love it like not live isn't streaming but it's so hard to evoke emotion in you that like i want to talk to you while you feel these things while they're in your face and while all of your adaptive mechanisms to protect yourself are too weak yeah i just found it completely hilarious thinking that you've been the same Discord as me while I'm streaming and yelling and you're telling me to calm down. I'm not going to tell you to calm down. Oh. No.

No, buddy. I'm not going to tell you to calm down. Not at all. Fuck. No. All right. I'm going to tell you to feel. Okay.

Because you have, you have these earmuffs on, right? So you can't detect emotion because you're blocking it out. So what we need to do is like when the volume is way turned up and you feel a lot of emotion, that's when we need to talk. Because then if I start. asking you questions, you're going to be able to feel things. Yeah.

Yeah. I think you have a point there. Yeah. Yeah. And I also saw something in your eyes that I haven't seen at all. What was it? Let's give, let's give Twitch chat a chance. What do you guys see in Gork's face right now? They got it! Are you watching Twitch chat? I wasn't. I avoided. What did they say? They said hope. Okay.

Is that what you feel? Yeah Feels nice Talking about it It's very rare I do something like I guess helpful for myself

That is not Self hatred related You know So it's always nice Yeah right So like just think about that for a second Why don't you do things for yourself Gork

Why aren't you kind to yourself Because I don't deserve it There you go You don't fucking deserve it crimes against humanity so it starts with anger so we have to get you to decompress your anger

and we have to see what's underneath because anger is that protective mechanism it's like you know anger is like it's like justice it's righteous it's like you know like you know there's just so much like we have to get underneath that and see what's underneath

so when you start to tilt when you start to get pissed when you start to feel these things about yourself. And I suspect that there's a part of you that actually doesn't want to feel those things when you're talking to me. Like, I don't even think you want to solve this problem. Like, there's a part of you that's like, this is my life and like, this guy's going to take it away from me.

And so you're actually resisting. Like, you don't, like, you want to be helped. Like, there's a part of you that wants to be help, but there's a part of you that's like, if this guy does it, then I'm going to be, I'm going to be shit out of luck. Because this is what I know. I'm not going to be myself anymore. Exactly. So just think about that for a second.

You think this is who you are. You think you're unforgivable. You think that you're inadequate. You think that you don't deserve forgiveness. And your words are, then I'm not going to be myself anymore. This is who you are. It's not even think. This is who you are.

You believe you are. This is what you know you are. Mm-hmm. And so at some point, it's going to require hope. and it's going to require facing your fear. It's going to require courage. It's going to require

you've gotten so comfortable with the idea that you're a piece of shit that you're terrified to even check. The thought that you may not be is so scary. Yeah. What would it mean if you weren't a piece of shit? Well, I don't know.

Everything I've built so far It feels like I've built on being a piece of shit. So what does mean not being one? So like your world comes crumbling down around you, right? And I think it's got to. It's got to. It doesn't mean that you're going to fail. But your world absolutely needs to come crumbling down

because the world that you've built is like toxic, dude. Yeah. It's so toxic. It's got to come down all of it. That requires courage because once it comes down, you don't know what you're going to see. Gork, this is crazy. Okay. But you are in an abusive relationship with yourself.

Yeah. I can see that. Right. And like people get confused because why don't, like people from the outside get confused. They're like, why don't people just like leave their abusive relationship? Why don't people move on? What do you think? Because it's familiar and comfortable. Absolutely. Yeah. Right? Because at least you know what you're dealing with. So the mind prefers the familiar to the good. Very important thing for everyone to understand.

The mind prefers the familiar to the good. It prefers comfortable or known to the unknown. And this is a life that you can continue living. Like, you can do this. You can beat yourself up. You can suffer. Am I not going to die when I'm like 40 out of some kind of stress-related disease then? That's what I feel like where I'm heading through right now.

Yeah, good. I mean, not good that you're... Yeah. I mean, good that you're noticing that this is not a way to live your life. Good that you came on today. How do you feel about coming on today? I feel glad that I came on. I'm glad you're very understanding, and I felt like I needed to do something for myself that was productive.

I had, for instance, I had a, like, a very... I had a couple bad streams in a row. Today, I decided to cut it short because I didn't want to enter that emotional state of anger and sadness. So I cut it short, but I promise to do something at least to help out with that. And I'm glad I did something at least. I'm glad you did too. You know why I'm glad you came on stream? Why?

Because you did something for yourself. You were nice to yourself. How did you treat yourself by coming on stream? I treated myself nicely by coming on stream. Yep. You also faced your fear. You faced your uncertainty. You were afraid to come on, weren't you?

Yeah, for sure. And so this is like, this is awesome because you were afraid of something that absolutely could happen, which is that your trolls could attack you, which is the risk that anyone takes by coming on stream, is that they'll get attacked. Yeah. I wouldn't say that was, yeah, that was, maybe there was a big fear, but I, I, then again, I realize most people are actually pretty nice online. Yeah.

It's just a few people that are rotten apples, I guess. But, so I want you to just think about this for a second, Gork. Because like you realized, right? But like you realized, like you knew that before, but you didn't realize it until like recently. That's what needs to change. Because that fear of that 5% used to keep you back. It used to control your behavior. And already now by this realization, this is important.

There's a difference between knowing or like information and realization. Realization is how you break the cycle. That you knew this before. But before you were letting that knowledge control you, whereas now you realize that it's really only 5%. Yeah. Does that make sense to you? Yeah, but that's like my biggest issue. I feel like I have the knowledge about a lot of things.

I need to do right. But I don't know how I realize it. You know, how do I make it a reality? So you do it the same. How did you do it today? By talking to you? Yeah, that helped. I helped.

stepping outside of my comfort zone? Or didn't mean the breathing? No, so I think all of the above is the short answer, right? All right. So I would say the fundamental source, so this is important for everyone to understand. So I think this is actually great for Sunday stream because this is all about meditation. So how do we change the person that we are? How do you change?

It's not information. You feel like you already know what you need to do. You're unable to do it. So how does one change? How did you become this way? Was it through information? Action. action, and more importantly, experience.

It was experiences that made you way, this way. Yeah. And so what you've done today absolutely is correct. You acted, right? And you acted to have an experience outside of your normal realm of experience. And if you want to break the cycle, you can't keep on putting in the same things. Like if I'm baking a cake and I put the same shit in it every time, if I put like flour and sugar and egg and milk, and then I take a dump and mix it all together and bake it, it's going to taste like shit.

If you keep on putting the same inputs, you're going to get the same output. So if you want to break the cycle, you can't think your way out of it. You have to experience your way out of it. And so what did you do today? Like you talked to me, you came on stream. And by doing so, you actually faced your fears. Right? The whole reason you wanted to talk in private was because you had very legitimate concerns.

Your concerns are no less true. They just hold less power over you. And right now, the reason that your life is so stuck is because there are things that hold, there are things within you that hold power over you. Sorry, you cannot. So the reason that you're stuck is because there are things within you that hold power over you. The anger took. They hold power over you.

Hold power. Yes. Yeah. Right? You don't get to control them. They control you. Your anger towards yourself. Your sense of an attitude. Equality, those are the things that dictate your life.

Your inability to relax. What else is going to dictate? I don't know if you wanted to cut it off here, but if you release anger and release whatever dictates you to this point, why will drive you forward after that? That's the thing, right? So let me ask you, like, what's behind that question? It's fear.

So fear is going to drive me? No, no, no. Fear isn't going to drive you. I think the reason you're asking me that question is because you're afraid. Yeah. Right? The reason you're asking me because this is the only thing I've known, what happens? Like, is my life going to end if I give up these things?

If I give up my anger and I give up my shame and I give up the bad person that I am, like, how can I move forward? And you absolutely can. But I don't think that I'm going to answer your question, but just understand that this answer is not going to change you. Okay. You have to realize it. I'm giving you information.

Mm-hmm. Right? So in my case, it's Dharma. So, Dharma means duty or responsibility. Mm-hmm. So the things that drive me are not ego or not being better than other people, but for me, it's service.

In your case, I think it can be Dharma, but I think you have a Dharma also, like, you have a duty or responsibility to yourself to be the best person that you can be. and being the best person you can be still means you stream every day. That's fine.

It's just the reason you're streaming is different. It's to be the best Dota player you can. It's not to be better than anyone else. It's to be the best. There's a subtle but very important distinction between those two. Because you owe it to yourself to live the best life that you can. You owe it to yourself to make lots of money and also spend a fair amount of money.

You owe it to yourself to build yourself financial security, but not to be a miser out of fear because you saw what not having money did to your mom. You owe it to yourself to be like free and have fun and to meet people and to fall in love. You owe it to yourself to do all these things, to take care of yourself physically, to increase the ventilation in your room,

to not die at the age of 40. Yeah. You owe all of these things to yourself. But why? Do I all these things to myself? I mean, why do I have to feel it? You don't have to feel it. You owe it to yourself.

Yeah. Okay. But I don't think that you're going to understand why until you have it. Mm-hmm. But what I would tell you is because, generally speaking, all we owe to ourselves is to be what we are. Right? Like, what is a rock owed to itself just to be itself? What is the rain owed to itself? Just to be itself. That's all we're owed is to be what we are. But I don't think that you, nor do I believe that human beings, their true essence is self-hatred in feelings of inadequacy. Yeah.

Right? And you understand that about other people. You understand that the rest of the human race is entitled to self-forgiveness. Like, that's obvious to you. Mm-hmm. But not you. So you have to live. And it starts with... So the very concrete thing is to... It's a good question, by the way.

Is to the next time you get angry, if you feel yourself start to tilt, or even before you stream, like, do this practice, right? As you begin to stream, like, before you stream, before you even, like, start, like, stream labs or whatever you use to stream.

Like, you're going to have these feelings arise. Am I going to do a good enough job today? Like, what if I do a good enough job? Like, am I going to let people down? Like, what's going to happen? So notice all that dialogue happen in your mind. And then close your eyes and feel what you feel in your body. Those thoughts are going to come with some sensations.

Warmth, heat, tension, sweaty palms. And your body and your mind are connected. So even if your mind doesn't know what the emotion is, your body is going to feel it. And so for men, the biggest way to overcome Alexothymia, the difference, door to understanding your emotions is your body. So your body will tell you. The thing is like when you say like, like, just think about this for a second. I was like, what are you, what are you feeling, gork?

And you're like, I don't know. I'm like physically, you're like, my palms are sweaty. Yeah, so like physically like you're like my palms are sweaty. Like, what emotion is associated with sweaty palms? Fear. Yeah. I guess. Right?

Fear? Maybe excitement. I'll be 100% real. My room is super hot. I'm going to open window now. Yeah. Everything could be clouded by the fact that I haven't opened my window here. There we go.

Yeah. So, so, and this is the thing is like, you know, sweaty poems could be anything. Could be excitement. It could be lust. Yeah. Maybe you were feeling horny. Like, did you have an erection? Like, so, like, it's hard clear.

Yeah. But the point is, like, as you, as you experience this, you're going to find something. You're going to find something that you feel in your body, right? Yeah. And then I want you to breathe through it. And so you'll like dissolve that emotion a little bit. You'll start to understand your emotions a little bit more. You'll start to be able to figure things out about yourself.

And then you'll start to be able to see what's underneath the anger. Because once you take the anger away, the rest of that stuff is going to be there. Thoughts, questions? From chat or from me? You first. Then we'll go to chat. Okay. Well, I agree with everything you said.

The one thing I have a big problem with, I guess, is finding the motivation to get into action after having a bad cycle in my head, you know? Yeah. I have had a bad stream, and it goes into the next day. And instead of doing anything, like, I know I've done this before. Like, I've taken walks before stream, and I know my stream is going to be better. But the only reason I don't take a walk is because I'm like, fuck, I don't deserve a good stream now. or I hate myself. So I'm going to press, I'm going to wake up, I'm going to sit down.

I'm going to press a Star Stream button and do the same thing all over again. So how do I, how do I actually like, it sounds so simple, but how do I push myself to not do that and just do what's actually good for me? So the answer is actually going to be a little bit paradoxical. You need to stop pushing yourself. And you need to let yourself, because just think about this. We push ourselves when we don't, like pushing yourself is the same. is like not, it's like whipping. You're whipping yourself.

The whole reason you're stuck is because you've gotten everywhere through whipping. You need to learn a different way besides whipping. Okay. So like just cut yourself a break. Right? Say like, hey, like, I really do not feel like streaming today. Let me see if I can find some way to do it. So you go for a walk.

You close your eyes. You do this practice. Feel what you feel in your body. and then notice that even as you do the practice, that part of your mind is going to start taking over. That's going to be like, oh, you're fucking doing it wrong. Like, why the fuck do you even, like, why are you even doing this? It's stupid.

You're stupid. You're just sitting there. Like, you can sit there and breathe like it's not going to do anything. Just stop. Don't do it. Notice that too, because those thoughts are going to create a sensation in your body. And look really hard. Look really deep.

Find where that breath goes in your body. and that with each breath, something within you that's tight is going to be loosened up and then is going to relax. It's like you're stretching out a rubber band like over and over and over again and that rubber band is like tight

and it's like angry and it's like, I'm going to be like stiff. And you're stretching it and then relaxing it. Stretching it and then relaxing it. And then after a while, it's going to be like too like loose and then it like won't hold its tensile strength anymore. Is that interesting?

I do. Okay. Let me see if we can find a question. Let me see if these are about me or you. In cells. Good God. Genezite. Okay.

All right. Okay. So someone was asking how do we cope with lexathymia? So I think this is the main thing. So this is what I was explaining to gork is that the way to get through alexothymia is by working through your body. Right? So like when you're in a situation that you don't feel good and you don't understand what

you feel, focus on your body. body. And that as you do things, as you understand your body, you can do this breathing practice where you follow the breath to the parts of the body where you feel like some kind of negativity and then like let that breath out. Because like Gork was kind of saying that the breath was hot coming in and it was hot going out. But it was like a better hot going out than it was a hot going in. Right. Yeah. That's kind of like weird to say. Like when I said just if you guys just watch, if you clip this, it doesn't make any fucking sense. But if you did the practice, you know what I'm talking about. So that's like experience, right? Like information, I can tell you, okay, so you should

do this practice gork, and it's going to be hot and going in, it's going to be hot and going out, but when it's hot and going out, it's going to feel better. And you're not going to understand what the fuck that means. Like, I could tell you that, but it's not going to change anything about your life. It's the experience that changes things. So start with your body. And then second thing is breathe into it and follow the breath where it goes. And over time, we'll explore a little bit more about what that means. But Gork, let me ask you something. Where does your breath go in your body?

Like physically, do you know? Well, I consciously try to get it into my stomach, at least. Because I know breathing into the chest is not so great. Yeah. So, and when you feel something, like, does the breath go into your stomach? Does oxygen go into your stomach? I hope so. It doesn't, yes.

Right? So oxygen goes into your lungs. Oh, yes, of course, yeah. Where do the lungs end? Do you know? Well, somewhere around the stomach, I guess. Yeah, like the top of the abdomen, right? So they add like somewhere around here in the front.

And in the back, they can go down pretty far. So then what do you think, like, do you have any oxygen in your shoulders? No. You have any oxygen in your stomach? No. So then what are you feeling when you breathe in? You feel something there? I guess me expanding my stomach for no reason.

I'm not saying that creature. But you can follow the breath there, right? Like you feel the warmth of the breath go into your nose and into your throat down your chest and into your stomach. You feel the warmth in your stomach. Yeah. It's kind of weird. So the yogi is called that brana or chi. Yeah.

So they said that there's this life force that flows throughout our body. And that the simplest way that I can give people a perception of chi is through this practice. Because you don't have any breath in your shoulders. Like, it doesn't make any sense. But Chioprana is not, not, like, physically correlated. It's like not a real thing. But it's a sensation. It's something that you can feel.

Can you feel the blood, oxygen coming into the blood, do you think? Or is it not related to... No, okay. I mean, not that I know of. I haven't heard anything. I mean, you do have receptors that detect the oxygenation of your blood, but I don't think that they're certainly not in your shoulders. And I don't think that there's any...

direct perception of that. Like, what we feel from that is, like, a sense that we need to breathe more or breathe less. Yeah. But they sure is hell, there's no, there's no oxygen in our shoulders or our stomach. So I don't know what we feel. I don't know from a nerve standpoint, like what we're detecting. But anyway, so Gork, last thoughts or questions before we wrap up for the day?

No, no, no, no. Thanks for taking the time to talk with me and all that. Thanks for coming on. Yeah, it was helpful. just one or two things. So good luck to you. Let me know if I can be helpful. Yeah.

You know, if you want to talk, it doesn't have to be on stream or anything, but if you find yourself in a rut, like just DM me. Okay, sure. And then we can talk through things for a few minutes. And then if you want to come on stream, that's fine too. And the last thing, Gork is, so for everyone, so Gork is, I think you're actually, like, aren't you the most popular Dota 2 streamer?

I mean, I'm up there at least, but I'm not sure if I'm the most popular. I mean, like, when I load up Dota... My ego struggles with that every day. But like when I just look at Dota 2, yeah. Like, you're the one who's at the top of the list. It's me and Bulldog, I guess, on the English side.

It kind of depends on the day. Okay, well, Bulldog's gotten some interesting black recently. I also had some interesting as well. Okay. We're all taking some heat. Not quite as bad, but yeah. Okay, well, listen. So you guys should check out Gork's stream

Unless do you want them to come and watch you or no I mean if they want to come and watch sure See how I'm dealing with my anger issues Why not? Yeah so actually can we ask Twitch chat for a favor Gork What are we going to ask them? So I want them to come and help you on stream

Help me Okay Can we can we tell them No they're banned They're just going to say no smiley face I already know What does that even mean? Who's banned?

No, they're saying no smiley face. What does that mean? I don't understand. They don't want to come help. No, they need to, why not? Because it's funny. Is that like, okay. It's a bit of me.

Some of you fuckers need to go and you need to help gork. So you need to notice when he's tilting and remind him. Oh, boy. And that's not going to help at all. That's not going to be. People all remind me all the time, man. Don't worry about it. No, no, but they need to remind him.

you in a good way. Is that a bad idea? If it's a bad idea, I'll tell them not to do it. Hey, man, if they just come, come in and type of pog jump, that's all right, you know. Okay. Reminding me when I tilt the... Can they remind you to meditate or do the breathing practice or would that tilt you more? Maybe. It might actually tilt me more, but it's helpful to have a reminder, yeah. Yeah. So notice that too, right? So like in that moment, is they, is they're saying something, the part of you that feels inadequate and angry is going to try to take their messages of love and support

and make you feel more inadequate because these fuckers in Twitch chat have to tell you to do it and can't even fucking do it yourself. Yeah, exactly. That's what happens in your mind, right? And notice that. Be aware that that's going to happen and that's not what they intend.

I can tell you right now exactly what's going to happen in your mind. You can be like, fuck, I can't even do this shit on my own. I'm going to just turn off stream and fucking shitty. No, just just just just breathe. Take a second. Sit up straight. Back needs to be straight. Feel that feeling

and then breathe into it. Yeah. Okay? Yeah. The thing is, I think it's great. It's just so hard when you're in this state. The only thing I do is Q next game and I'm like reiterating what went wrong

the last game. But it would be great to, I think, if I could find the mental strength in between games, like sit down and breathe for like a minute. So that's what Twitch hat, dude, we need your help with this, right? Because I can't, I can't be there. Or I can try. But Twitch hat can be there.

So catch Gork between games. And Gork, you got to tell me if this is not working, and then I'll tell them to stop. I just find it very hilarious. Like, just try. It's going to be comedic. And then, like, Twitch hat also needs to let you know that, like, it's going to be hard for you. Yeah. And then they need to forgive you if you're not able to do it.

That's all right. Okay. Now we have yes, smiley face and maybe smiley face. Okay, sir, smiley face and maybe smiley face. That's great. That's all you can really ask for.

Yeah. So like seriously, help him because this is important. We talk about Tarma, we talk about helping people. I can't help everyone. I can't be watching Gork stream 24-7 because I'm going to be talking to you guys.

So when Gork is streaming and he's tilting, like ask him to notice it, right? And be with him. And you guys should do it too because it'll help you too. The more you meditate, the better you're going to feel. No. Just tell him to breathe and he knows.

Okay, can we can you do that for Twitch chat, Gork? I can do that for Twitch chat. So, so even if you don't deserve kindness, I want you to think for a second about them. So these are people who are watching this stream and actually give a shit enough to come to your stream, sit there, wait for you to tilt. And then they're like waiting around because they're actually trying, they're trying to help you. Yes How does that make you feel? That's just about hilarious.

I'm sorry. It does make you feel nice that there are nice people out there that would do that. So don't let them down, Gork. Of course not. You can let yourself down as much as you want to, but don't let them down. Of course. Okay. Good luck, man.

Thank you, man. Thanks for having me on. Take care. Bye. Thanks for coming on. Okay. Yeah, man, that's some serious Alexa. thymia right there. Like if you guys have ever wondered what

Alexothymia is, that's it. Right? Like, I think you guys, um, I'm, I, I, I, I, I love that Twitch chat. Like, you guys saw the hope in his face. See, he doesn't even understand that he has hope. Like, if I had asked him, like, what do you think is going to happen? Like, that complex in his mind is going to say, like, it's not going to help. It's just, and, and, and, and, but it's there, right? So that's how change happens. So for all of you guys who are wondering like how does change happen, just watch that interview and you'll see it

at the end. You can see it in his face, his degree of animation, his posture. Like there's something very subtle and small changing inside him.