HealthyGamerGG - How Anxiety Is Different For Men

Episode Date: May 11, 2024

Is anxiety a gendered concept? What does anxiety look like in men? In this video we dive into how men experience anxiety and provide some tips for living with anxiety in today's world. Check out more resources here: https://bit.ly/3xsk6fE Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Today, we're going to talk about male type anxiety. And that may sound weird because isn't anxiety anxiety anxiety, but it turns out that anxiety is a gendered concept. Men experience anxiety very differently from women. And this is a big problem because if we look at our research on anxiety, what we find is two-thirds of all people diagnosed with an anxiety disorder are women. And so what's the reason for that? Let's just think about that for a second, right?

Does this mean that women are twice as likely to be anxious as men? Actually, no. It means that our definition of anxiety is a gendered construct. And the way that women experience anxiety is what we think of as traditional anxiety. But the way that men experience anxiety is actually completely different. So male type anxiety is characterized by two things. Low perceived control and physical symptoms. Now, this may sound kind of weird, so let me explain what low perceived control is. Men who have anxiety, their experience of life is like this.

I'm surrounded by problems that are unfixable. I sort of feel like I have no control over my life. I kind of look around and I see situations that I can't fix. Like my girlfriend is unhappy or my wife is unhappy or I keep on having conflict between my wife and my mom and I don't know how to fix this or I don't know what to do about my job. My career prospects are crap. The economy is crap. I can't buy a house.

I can't date. like everything is falling apart. I can't control my life and everything is shit. So you may look at that and think, but isn't that everyone? Like doesn't everyone struggle with this? Isn't just this the normal life? And the answer is no. It turns out that there's a good chance that anxiety is at the root. But even weirder than that is that we have it kind of wrong. So if we look at the world right now, what we see is that there's a lot of problems that I can't fix. And what we think goes on is that the world is objectively bad. I cannot fix these things. This increases our stress and then gives us a perception that we are out of control. And we think that's an accurate perception, right? The world is shit, therefore I can't

fix it. That's not in my head. The crazy thing is that you're right. It's not in your head. It's way we weirder than that. The weirdest thing as we look at research on anxiety is not that this stuff is in your head, but actually you create the situations that are unsolvable because you have this stealth anxiety. Now, I know that sounds really weird, so I'm going to say it again. We think, okay, the world is crap. I'm out of control, right? So the circumstances come first. And then maybe Dr. K is making some point about, oh, this is like mindset or like cognitive reframing or it's all about perceptions. It's about how we see the world. And if I change the way I see the world, things will be better. And it's all in my head. No, no, no. What's actually going on is if you

have occult anxiety, this creates a perception of low perception. control and this perception of low perceived control then creates events in your life that are unsolvable. Now if that sounds crazy, hear me out because we're going to get into the science of it, okay? I'm going to show you all a lot of different research, which are going to be pieces of a puzzle. The tricky thing about this puzzle is that it's not going to make sense when you see one particular piece. When we stitch it all together is when we will see, holy crap, the way that I am understanding my life and the way that I can get control of my life is actually very different from what I thought. So bear with me. When people hear that we offer coaching at HG, their first question is like, what on earth even is

that? So here's the basic problem. When you struggle with something in your life, you don't see the problem from the outside. You see it from the inside. The value of a coach is that they can look at your life from the outside. They can understand what's going on and they can help guide you to improve things like motivation, accomplish short-term goals, and even increase a sense of purpose in life. And over the long term, we also see improvements and feelings of depression and anxiety. And the best part is we've had over 100,000 coaching sessions, and we incorporate that feedback to continually improve our program. So if y'all are interested in actually making a change in your life, check out the link in the description below.

So this is from a paper called Men's Anxiety, a Systematic Review. So let's take a look at what men's anxiety looks like. As such, young men reporting increased anxiety severity were more likely to report physical symptoms, headaches, loss of appetite, body tremors, and sensations of losing control instead of social disruptions, teariness, and interpersonal distress compared to age-matched women. So let's understand what this means, okay? The first thing we've got to do is define it, right? So this is characterized by low perceived control, and this is characterized by physical symptoms. Now, why is this significant? So if we look at anxiety diagnoses across the board, they are two to one in favor of women. So for every two women that's diagnosed with an anxiety disorder,

we have one man that is diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. And why is this? It's because our clinical criteria for an anxiety disorder are characterized by these other things that are more common in women. So a lot of these characterizations are internal feelings, like being, worried, being anxious, right? That's the word that we use. These are anxiety disorders. But it turns out that men don't feel that anxiety in the same way that women do. And there are a couple of really good reasons for this. The first is that women have more estrogen. And estrogen as a hormone makes us more aware of our internal emotional state. So women are able to feel their emotions more easily. But it isn't that simple. So in behavioral observation studies of boys and girls,

boys were disproportionately encouraged by parents to confront stressful and fearful stimulants, whereas girls were more commonly comforted by their parents when displaying a fearful or anxious response. So sure, estrogen is at play, but then the way that we're socialized is also at play. And what boys are taught to do is confront and fix our problems as opposed to doing some kind of emotional support or awareness. Okay. So now we see these are like two reasons why men don't experience anxiety quote unquote normally. Because we're actually socialized to not focus on our feelings, but to fix our problems. Okay. So this is a second reason. So this is why men's anxiety and women's anxiety is different. It's because

the way that we're raised is because of estrogen. So what contributes to men's anxiety? In contrast, higher endorsement of masculine norms, including restrictive emotionality, restricted affectionate behavior towards other men, and overt heterosexual presentation were all associated with increased levels of anxiety in young and adult men. What on earth restricted emotionality and heterosexual norms. Hold on a second, Dr. Kay. Are you telling me that if I'm straight, I'm more likely

to experience anxiety? Kind of, right? So many years ago, I asked Chat, hey, chat, how should I deal with my anxiety? And they were like Saganese nuts, bro. And it turns out that they were right, because now we have data that shows us that heterosexual norms,

i.e., preference for a particular kind of genitalia, is associated with higher levels of anxiety. Turns out that's not actually what the paper is saying. So let's understand this, okay? What we mean by heterosexual norms is restrictive emotionality and sort of burying our emotion. So the manly man is not very emotional, right?

So I'm like, man, I'm going to fix my problems there. So we'll talk about, we'll fix them. Like, if they were fixing me, bra, bra, bra, bra, bra, bra, bra. So that's what we mean, okay? Has nothing to do with what you're, genital preference is, it's entirely about your restrictive emotionality. So this creates another challenge because if we are manly men, right, which is like good men, like his boys were like, be a good man. What this means is we're not aware of our internal emotional state, which in turn

means that even though our anxiety is high, we don't feel anxiety, right? Instead, what we see is, oh my God, this situation is out of control and I can't fix it. Now we get to the craziest part, Which is remember that I said that the real tragedy of men's anxiety is that we believe our life is out of control. And we sort of think like, oh, Dr. Kay is talking about like, oh, we need to do something cognitive, right, to change my perception. And then like once I like understand this is all in my fucking head, then everything will be better. No, no, no, no, no, no. The crazy thing is our low perception of self-control doesn't just shape our internal environment. It actually creates the problems that are unsolvable.

Now, if this sounds insane, that's because it is. So here's another paper, fantastic paper from Auerbach, who's at McLean at Harvard, so Randy's an awesome person. The stress generation framework posits that characteristics, behaviors, or circumstances within an individual's life context contribute to the occurrence of dependent stressful events. So this may sound crazy. So what this sort of means is that more recently, Auerbach-Everhart-Nabella found that low-perceived, control, a belief that one may have the limited ability to change views of the self, world, and future contributed to greater dependent interpersonal stress. The crazy thing about Hourbox research is that it demonstrates that low perceived control

isn't just in your head. And it's not that you misinterpret the world. It is that when you have low perceived control, which is related to male type anxiety, which you can't feel, which we'll get to in a second, when you have low perceived control, it shapes the way that you interact with the world. and creates unfixable situations. So, as a simple example, okay? So let's say that I'm worried that I can't make my wife happy.

And so if I sort of believe that in some way, that will affect my behaviors, right? I will try a little bit less because what's the point in making her happy if I'm doomed to fail? What's the point in dating if I'm never going to find anyone anyway? So as we start to have some of these perceptions of low perceived control, what the research actually shows is that this creates problems in our life. It's not that the problem comes first and then I feel like I'm out of control. It's actually the other way around. Perceived control as predictors of anxious symptoms and stress.

So the key thing about this paper is that this comes first. It doesn't come next. This predicts the anxiety. This creates the anxiety. This creates the stress. It's not that the stress creates the perception of low control. It's the other way around. Okay, here's me.

And here's the world. And the world is fucked. And then what ends up happening is we believe we conclude, I can't win. Right? This becomes a logical conclusion. So what ends up actually happening with the research shows us is here is me. Here is my perception of low control. This creates a situation that is unsolvable.

This then generates stress. Now, this gets kind of weirder, right? There are a couple of other things. So this perception of low perceived control is anxiety that we are blind to. So we don't see it. Okay? There's no seeing of the anxiety. That's an eyeball.

We don't see the anxiety. Now, why is this important? Why do I believe that anxiety is at the root of this? So now we go back to the amygdala. So see, our amygdala, like men and women both have amygdala. We both have this fucking part of our brain like lizards have it too. That this is where anxiety comes from. The problem is that subjectively, we don't experience it as anxiety.

So when the amygdala lights up in a man, because of our restricted emotionality, because of our heterosexual norms, because of the way that we're taught to fix our problems, we don't feel this anxiety. But it's still active. And let's understand what the impact of this anxiety actually is. So let's say I have a problem that is of five difficulty. And then what ends up happening is I have. five units of anxiety. And then what happens is these combine to create my actual perception, which is 10 units of difficulty.

Now, I know this sounds kind of weird, but I want you able to just think about this for a second, right? So think about the friends of yours who are anxious, and they're worried about stuff, right? So when they're worried about stuff, how likely is that thing to come to pass, right? So if I'm paranoid that, oh, my God, my teacher is going to, to kick me out of class because I sent an email asking for an extension. So when anxiety, when the

amygdala is active in our brain, this isn't that they're, they're not dumb or anything like that. This is literally what happens in the amygdala. What the amygdala does is amplifies the perception of things going bad. So what it does is it like if the risk is actually like 10%, the amygdala will literally amplify it to 20% or 30% or 40%. Okay. Now this is where things get really tricky. if we have amygdala activity that we are not aware of because of emotional restriction, now what we have is we have 10 units of difficulty. And the actual difficulty is only five, but this is our perception over here. So now this problem seems larger than it is, and this is where we get into really tricky things.

Because once it starts to get out of control, right, because we can't handle 10 units. 10 units is too much. Then we get back to this. So furthermore, when evaluating socialized gender roles and coping behavior, individuals with higher levels of masculinity were more likely to employ problem-based coping, regardless of biological sex. So what this statement is talking about is that basically, like, the more masculine you are, the more you try to fix your problems, right? And then this suggests a strong adherence to traditional masculine norms may impact expectant coping behaviors in men, prompting action-oriented problems. problem-solving approaches in the face of elevated anxiety levels. So this makes sense.

Okay, so I'm going to translate this for a second once again. So this means is like, if you're a dude and you've got a problem in life, what do you do about the problem? You fucking fix it. Right? That's all this is a fancy way of saying. The more manly you are, the more you just fix your problems. Because that's the, like, what else am I supposed to do with problems, right? If you're listening to this and you're like, Dr. Kay, that's dumb.

What else are you supposed to do except for fix a problem? Like, what else can you do? Here's the problem. In contrast, there may be a threshold at which the tendency to revert to problem-based coping strategies exacerbates anxiety if solutions cannot be reached by men accustomed to self-remedy. Okay? Previous research evaluating stress and coping suggests that problem-based coping may only be effective when stressors or situations are controllable or can be adjusted. What this means is that problem-based coping only works if you can fix the problem. So then what happens in men when we can't fix a problem?

So now let's go back to our diagram. Okay, so this is important because if we can't fix the problem, what does it do? So now we get to see how everything ties together. So here's what really happens. Here's me. I am faced with a problem. And then I have this occult, which means hidden, anxiety. Okay?

So this problem is five units. And this anxiety adds five units of difficulty. It's like we're playing the game on hard mode. And this, once we start playing the game on hard mode, now this is 10 units of difficulty. Okay? This mob is now too high for our level because we're level five. But because of our occult anxiety, we perceive this as level 10. As we perceive this as level 10, this creates stress.

Why does it create stress? It creates stress because if we are faced with problems that we cannot fix what happens, we get stressed out, right? So let's understand this. So if I were to say, hey, you person who is watching this YouTube video, I want you to wash your hands. Does this stress you out? No, I don't need to be stressed out if I'm washing my hands because I am capable of doing it. No biggie. I can wash my hands.

stress is created when we face problems that we perceive as unsolvable. So as we perceive this problem as unsolvable, this increases our stress, increases our cortisol. Furthermore, increases our anxiety even more. And then also leads to physical symptoms. Headaches, tension, muscle aches, all this kind of stuff. Nausea. Dudes have just these weird, like, aches and pains and, like, I'm not sure, I need to go to the gym, but I can't go to the gym. Like, all this kind of stuff happens.

And then these two things then lead to a perception of low perceived control, right? Because now this problem is too big to solve. And then this leads to dependent stressors. These are the actual problems that get created in your life. This is the actual sequence of things. It's not this up here. It is actually the opposite. It is this over here.

Here's you. Here's a real problem plus anxiety. This makes it overwhelming, but you don't really see this. Remember, this is, we're not able to see that. This creates a stress response. This then creates dependent interpersonal stressors. This creates the problems in your life. This is what the research shows.

And this is the real tragedy of male type anxiety. First of all, why are we not diagnosed with it? Because most people are not aware of this picture. You all have to understand this. This is put together from two places. I did a bunch of research, but then I also work with a bunch of people who are blackpilled. So when I work with people who are blackpilled, what do they say? They say, this is going wrong, this is going wrong, this is going wrong, this is going wrong.

I can't fix my life. This is screwed, this is screwed, this is screwed. And then long comes Dr. K. Now, everyone thinks, oh my God, Dr. K is a miracle worker. Like, maybe Dr. K can fix me. But I can't fix all those problems. I can't fix any of those problems, right? I can't fix the dating crisis.

I can't fix this other kind of stuff. I can't fix any of that. So it turns out that when I work with someone who's blackpilled, what I really target is their underlying occult anxiety. So this whole sequence can be broken apart if you understand how it works and understand where to target things. Where is the real inception of this? The inception of this is the unfelt anxiety that exacerbates your problems.

The real place to target this is when you're a migraine. amplifies the size of a danger, right? And I want you all to think back to when you were little kids and you were scared in your room at night. And when you were scared, if your parents tried to tell you, hey, there's no real danger. This problem does not exist. Could you understand?

No, this problem does not exist. Of course not. The child believes that the shadow on the wall is a monster. It takes this hypothetical fear and turns it into a reality. And the crazy thing about people who are blackpilled and they will dispute this is they are living in the same world that we are living in. We're all living in the same world. Things are hard for everyone.

But they say, oh, no, no, but my chin is smaller and I'm five foot two. Everyone has some objective disadvantages. I'm not talking. I'm not saying that. But I'm saying fundamentally this part we need to really focus on. And this has been my experience. When we target the anxiety, when we reduce the anxiety, this whole cascade falls apart. So then you are faced with problems that are no longer overwhelming.

Once you are faced with problems that no longer feel overwhelming, then your stress level goes down. As your stress level goes down, your perception of control increases. And this is the beautiful thing. Once your perception of control increases, you actually start fixing the problems in your life. You stop creating additional problems because of your perception of low self-control. And we hear this advice everywhere, right? just get started, just get started, just get started, just act. And this is the tragedy of male type anxiety. We probably have a bunch of men out there, maybe as much as 5% of the population. So one out of

20 men who is experiencing anxiety in some way, but they're not aware of it. All they see is that the world is blackpilled. I can't do anything about this. I can't do anything about this. I can't do anything about this. I can't do anything about this. And the tragedy of that is it is that belief that creates the objective situations and just in your head. This actually creates the problems in your life. So what do we do about it? Start by, first of all, does this picture fit you, right? Do you look at the world and is your primary experience of the world, hey, or not maybe

not primary, but a big part of your experience that I feel out of control. If you feel out of control, you may have this male type anxiety. The icing on the cake is going to be if you also have these like physical symptoms and stuff like that, this is going to be really another really important sign. The cool thing is the way that we're going to fix this, by all means, go see a therapist, get a diagnosis, start doing psychotherapy, all that stuff is really fantastic. But the couple of things that we need to change are, first of all, our emotional awareness to recognize is my amygdala in a hyperactive state, right?

And you won't feel worried or tearful or anxious. You'll just be like stressed out, right? So the main thing that you're going to feel is stress and physical symptoms and low perceived control. Then you have to do the hard work of uncovering that anxiety. uncovering these distortions, uncovering the source of your perception that your control is not there in life. And as you target those kinds of things, so we have a whole guide to anxiety, we do all these different exercises and community events and stuff like that, basically focus on that anxiety because it's not going to look like anxiety, but do all of those same kinds of things. So physical exercise is really great for men.

Mind, body practices are really fantastic too, but really target that anxiety. And what you will see is something that I've seen with black pillars over and over and over. over again, who I've worked with, is that something changes. Once we start decompressing that emotional energy, literally once we start calming down the amygdala, suddenly this is a child in a bedroom who sees that this is not an actual monster, this is just a shadow. And it could be a monster, could be a monster. Let's be honest, could be a monster. Things could be bad. Things may not work out, but their amygdala is not amplifying the danger in making it feel more real. As that goes away, our sense of control increases, and once we have a perception that we can fix this game of life,

then things actually start to get better. We see those dependent stressful events start to improve, and then their life objectively gets better. So, if you're a dude out there in this fits, please, please, please take it very seriously. Consider seeing a professional about it. Consider working on your anxiety. And if you all want more information, check out our guide to anxiety. And the last thing that you can do, remember those headers,

sexual norms lead to an increased experience of anxiety that we don't even feel. So I'll let you figure out what that last thing you can potentially do is. Take care.