HealthyGamerGG - How Expectations Cause Suffering - What It’s Really like to be a Creator | Part 3

Episode Date: September 13, 2022

Dr. K dives into expectations with the group! They explore where expectations come from, what hold them back, confronting failure, and more! Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

And so the tricky thing, though, is that, like, this translation that Zell alluded to, that there's, like, there may be some amount of scientific truth out there. But when it comes to applying it to our individual situation, like, that's where things get tricky. And there we go. Okay. Hey. Welcome, everyone. How's everybody doing today? I'm good, thank you. Good. Good. I'm glad you. Finally.

It's nice to have you. So, welcome everyone to week three. So I notice we have a new face. So I think we should go ahead and probably do introductions. But before we do introductions, let's actually start to think about, so we'll have Ms. Ashrox introduce herself. And then what we're going to do is the group is try to orient her to what we're doing here. So if you all remember a little bit about like what the scope of this is, what the goal of this is, what

our responsibilities are, because I'm sure you all can imagine it can be a little bit strange to come in after we've gotten started, but you're still totally in the early phase, so it's like not a big deal at all. So what we ask in terms of introductions is why don't we go ahead and introduce ourselves? And then we can share a little bit about what's, you know, where people can find us. So like what kind of streaming we do, what kind of content creation we do. And if there's anything in particular that you want to work on, over the next few weeks, we can sort of share that as well. So I'll go ahead and you want to start?

Sure, why not? Welcome in, everybody, to the, you know, beautiful Miss Ashrocks. All right, welcome. No, I'm kidding. But I'm Miss Asht Rocks. I'm a Twitch partner, Twitch ambassador. I've been streaming for six years now. It's been a very long time.

And I usually play video games. That's my main form of content, but I'm diving into more lifestyle, mental health, and I'm really excited for everything that has to come. So usually I stream late nights because I work full time at Tiltify as their community manager. So that's where you'll catch me in a daytime on their Twitch channel, talking with different charities and different fundraisers. And for the next few weeks, I want to prioritize understanding my feelings more and how to combat impossible. syndrome because that's what I've been struggling with lately. So that's my goal. And I'm happy to be here. Thank you so much for having me. Welcome. Thank you so much for being here. Who's going next? I can go next. So hello everyone. My name is Michael, otherwise known as Smirky. I've been a

decade long content creator, LGBTIQI plus, variety streaming. specialize in a game called Toontown, which used to be a former Disney MMO alongside games like Club Penguin and Pirates of the Caribbean online and like back, back during your early childhood. If you know, you know. But basically, I love playing games with other people, multiplayer games, interactive experiences with a bit of sprinkle in single player games and a variety of genres as well, whether it's like a party game or RPG game or anything like that. And I also do a bit of charity work as well and I fundraise on platforms like Tiltify to raise money for lots of amazing causes that are important to our community. And yeah, that's all I can think of saying right now.

So I'll just keep it short and sweet like that. Cool. Okay. Next. Or no, you got it if you want. Do I sound okay? I didn't get to do an audio check. I do. Sounds good. Hi, I'm metric seconds. reporting live from stolen Wi-Fi outside of a pharmacy. I recently damaged a tendon in my foot, and walking has not been fun. So my folks helped me with it, and that's why I'm not home. But I've been streaming for almost six years, and specialize in strategy games, especially Darkest Dungeon. Recently switched to variety and yeah, overall, feeling the burnout from doing one game a lot.

And kind of trying to figure out where to go from there. Great. Hello. My name is Ruby True, and I stream wellness, mindfulness, kind of content. I stream ASMR and sound baths. Yeah, if it's relaxing and it's chill, then it's basically my jam. And, yeah, considering the content I stream, I was thinking about this earlier this week. I want to stop saying I suffer with or struggle with.

I have anxiety and ADHD. I don't struggle or suffer with either. them. That's something I'm really working on saying out loud and yeah, just learning to manage those things and help other people have good lives and manage those things themselves. That's my aim. Cool. Okay. What's up? I'm Zell. I am a streamer slash YouTube person. Most people have seen me from various things like offline TV or

AllChat back when that was a show at Riot Games and I have done work in the Magic the Gathering space as well and been featured on YouTube channels like the Command Zone. For my personal stream, I stream video games. I talk a lot about

anime. That's like my thing, I guess. But then yeah, stuff that I want to work on, basically everything, but I think, you know, I'm just here to get a little bit more grounded and stuff. And like, I'm somebody who is always doing a lot of different things.

And maybe I should be focusing on specializing more. So, yeah, that's, that's, that's me. Awesome. Okay. So thank you all very much for introduction. So my name is Alok. I'm known as Dr. Kay. I'm a psychiatrist by training.

And I stream on Healthy Gamer Gigi. We do a lot of mental health-related content. And the reason I started streaming was because I noticed that I was having the same conversation in my office over and over and over again, and that that conversation wasn't actually clinical. So it was like teaching 40 people like the same general concepts. And so I just had the question about, you know, can I have this conversation publicly and can people benefit from it? And so that's how we got started. And I love gaming and stuff, but I don't get to stream that quite as much. Hopefully that'll change in the next couple of months, but we will see.

So who wants to, who can tell us or maybe tell, and Ms. Ash Rocks, what do you go by? Ms. Ash, Ash, those are perfect. So who, how can we help Ms. Ash try to, how can we help orient her to like, what are we doing here? Like, what is this? We're developing tools to overcome our hurdles as content creators, like, emotionally and dealing with the stress of it all, I guess. Cool. Anyone want to add on to that or share a different perspective?

I'm not thinking of words. I'm not having a good word today. We're supporting each other and helping. helping each other to be able to find our similarities and differences so that in sharing, we can, you know, find things that help ourselves. And yeah, that's kind of a gist. Cool. Yeah, and there's a variety of different topics that were discussed.

in pursuit of that, I guess, goal to kind of, you know, better, but to kind of, I guess, like relate to one another, have discussions about like the realm of content creation. And, you know, there are different things that we all go through. Each of our communities are unique. We all come from different backgrounds, things like that. But in that, we can also find things that are really meaningful to each of us. through a lot of the conversations that we do have here.

I think I'm caught up to speed. I got this. Awesome. You got this. So what about some of the particulars? Like who's responsible for change in the group? All of us. Yeah, all of us, right?

I don't know. What was Ash about to say? Hold ourselves accountable. I mean, at the end of the day, we have to use those steps and whatever we learn. and apply it to our day to day to prioritize our mental health more in this space. Cool. And how does this like work?

Like what do we do on a week to week basis? Like what's the structure? It looks like we have home. Yep. So it does look like we have homework. And I mean, do we just like kind of show up here and talk about our feelings for an hour and a half? And then we're kind of, is that what this is?

No. What is it then? If we were to sit here and just talk about our feelings, we're not going to move forwards. It's just kind of like a venting, which part of it can be that, but it's understanding when that venting needs to take a turn and also equally share the sharing and the conversation so that it leads in a direction to... I don't want to find answers, say answers,

but these in a direction to find solutions to help us understand ourselves better and each other better to become better content creators and people. Anyone want to add on to that or have something that they want to share? Okay. Iselle, did you have something? No. I see a bobbing and weaving. I'm just kind of nodding like, you know, I think people have covered it.

I mean, yeah, like we have homework. We have some structured, like, topics to kind of unify around and share our different perspectives on. And the hope is, I think, through that shared experience, we come away with actionable things that we can take to then change about ourselves or, you know, help ourselves. And, yeah, and we're accountable for that. Great. So what I'd love to do is just take a couple of minutes to try to kind of formally summarize. I think y'all have said all the important stuff. But part of what I think my role is,

is that there is a lot of, like, let's say, science or experience or certain medical concepts, psychological concepts, which may apply to our discussions. So, for example, there's research on imposter syndrome. There are particular things that people with imposter syndrome do. And so part of what I'm going to be trying to do a little bit is to share some of that information with y'all. And then we're going to kind of try to work with it.

So the first thing that I'm going to kind of start off with, because I love what Ruby mentioned about venting. So is to just kind of outline a model for a change. So like, this is going to sound kind of weird, but like, why is life hard? Because we make it hard. How do we make it hard? We overcomplicate everything. How does that work? Why do we do that?

what's the difference between me over-complicating something and me simplifying something, therefore it becomes easy? Like, why don't we just make everything simplifying? Why don't we simplify everything and make everything easy for ourselves? As we want better for ourselves, honestly. Okay. And I think we expect things to go in our way every time, like every situation. we expect it to go our way.

And when it doesn't, then we break down. And then we don't know how to kind of compile those feelings, in my opinion. Okay. I know that happens to me personally. I mean, it's not awesome. I have this problem where when someone says something insightful, I applaud it. But oftentimes what they say is like negative. So it's not awesome that things fall apart.

part for you, but it's awesome that you're articulating that and understanding that. So I apologize for that. You're fine. I was going to say, oh, sorry, so. No, you got it. You got it. I was going to say, I think we often overcomplicate things because we feel like we should know what we're doing and we should have everything figured out. and by putting expectations upon ourselves, we don't share our, I don't want to call them weaknesses, but like the internet is very good at only showing like the highlight reel. And it's easy to compare ourselves to someone else's highlight real. And as a content creator, it's very easy to see numbers, see. success. I put it in inverted finger commas because someone can appear successful, but be very

unhappy or struggling. And I think that's where as content creators specifically, we overcomplicate things because we don't reach out or people believe they should be in a better place. They'd live up to their name and things like that. So it can be a quick spiral. I think to kind of add to that a little bit is just like we go through life without any sort of comparison point. You know, we can only experience the things that we experience and therefore like it's hard to go through and understand success metrics that work for you that will work for everyone, right? So it's not like, it's not like a math problem, right? Like the key to success isn't this thing that it has like unified rules around it. And so yeah, I think we we overcomplicate

things because, you know, we are complicated people. And, you know, no solution kind of applies to everything about us specifically, really. And so, like, I think that's what the overcomplication comes from is that we try to apply our unique circumstances to potentially simple problems and overcomplicate them that way. I've got a question for Zell or anyone else. So he says that, like, you know, we have no, like, we only live our life, right? Like, I don't, so as he put it, we have no points of comparison. where do our expectations come from?

I think they come from like media consumption, right? I think that's part of it is like we consume media on the internet or whatever and we apply that stuff, whether consciously or unconsciously, to our own lives. And then we create expectations around them. Also just through lived in experiences through the people around us. So like we take in things from our family as we grow up or our friends. And those give us, you know, small comparison points as well. So honestly, just life around you, I guess.

Okay. So, like, I'm going to kind of point out something that I heard, and I'm curious what y'all think about that. And we're going off on a tangent, by the way. So, Zell's saying, like, life is hard because we only live our life, but we have these, like, we have no, like, points of comparison, right? We can't live in someone else's shoes. So we can't sort of figure out a universal formula for success. But what we need, and so that's why life is hard, because we go like looking for things, but we have our own unique bundle of advantages and disadvantages.

And yet we create expectations based on things outside of us. So, like, what happens when we do that? Like, if I'm a unique person who has advantages and disadvantages, I have a particular spawn point, right? When I rolled this life on this earth, I got a particular gender, a particular race, a particular ethnicity, a particular location, a particular socioeconomic status, a particular set of parents. And then my expectations seem to come from people that are not in my specific spawn. So what does that do for us? Like, what happens when I have expectations that come from people?

media, family, et cetera. I think we, we attempt to apply them to ourselves as if they were our spawn points, as you put it. And so, but then the reality is sometimes it's, it's just different, right? Like, it doesn't necessarily apply. And that delta between your expectation of what you want, that you're trying to compare yourself to, and your actual self are to, you know, those things can be a big thing. And those differences in expectation can cause a lot of, like, I don't know, stress and mental damage.

Okay. So did you all catch when Ash was talking? She said something about expectations. Did you all catch what she said about expectations? Ash, do you remember what you said? Anyone can. I don't think I remember what I said. Yeah.

So that brings up another good point. So part of what we're also going to be doing here is training specific skills. I don't expect you all to remember what everyone says at every moment. So Ash had said something, but over time, we're going to like literally become better listeners, okay? So Ash said that she has expectations for herself. This is sort of in relation to like the venting conversation or we kind of segueged that way. So she has expectations. Sometimes doesn't live up to those expectations.

There is some kind of consequence. Let's call it emotional damage. And then kind of you feel bad about yourself because you didn't live. live up to things. Ruby also alluded to this when she talked about like, oh, I should do particular things, right? And when I hear a should, I hear an expectation, you all with me there. Those two are the same things. And then we're sort of left with like this pile of unhappiness. And so this is really important to understand. So if we want to, if we want to think about why life is complicated, it's because we don't, I'm going to sort of offer something, okay?

This is a hypothesis. So I would say that oftentimes if you think about situations in your life where like you were struggling, I would argue that you really didn't understand the situation. So a simple example of this is like if anyone's been through a breakup and you kind of think that the world is ending when you're going through a breakup and you'll be alone forever and all this kind of stuff, right? And then you don't know how to like take a step back. But a couple months later, you take a step back, you kind of realize, oh, actually the breakup was probably good for me in the long run.

We just weren't meant to be together. But there's kind of a lack of understanding. There may have been particular expectations around that relationship, which leads to a certain amount of suffering. So this is kind of how we run through life, that we sort of don't understand stuff. Now, the other challenge that Zell kind of pointed out is that we are individuals with unique spawn points. but there are, there is stuff like science out there, right? So we do know that like we're not all, while there may not be a particular tutorial or a walkthrough for your specific life,

there are general mechanics around, you know, how life works. So we know that there's some science around resilience, some science around emotional wellness, some science around performance. And so the tricky thing, though, is that like this translation that, Zell alluded to, that there's like there may be some amount of scientific truth out there, but when it comes to applying it to our individual situation, like that's where things get tricky. So this is precisely why we have the model that we use here at HG, which is like there's some amount of concrete information, but applying it to an individual requires like individual

exploration. And so what we're trying to do here is applied learning. So as opposed to reading a book, which is a one-size-fits-all solution, or just going on a personal journey, whether that's a personal journey that's like spiritual and I'm hiking in the Himalayas, or I'm seeing a therapist, or I'm just like, you know, journaling for a long time. What we have is a unique opportunity

where we can work with each other so people can, like, piece together their experiences, right? So I get the sense that all of y'all have probably struggled with expectation, but we can sort of like talk to each other. And the other really interesting thing is that, I don't know if this kind of makes sense, but is it easier to see the problems in your thinking or easier to see the problems in someone else's thinking? Someone else's. Absolutely.

I am anyways. Oh, yeah. Right? And so the cool thing is that Ash may be talking about all these expectations that she has, which are like completely, like, based on inappropriate things that media has put in her head. And the four of y'all are going to be able to see that as clearly as day. Ash isn't going to be able to see it. The cool thing, though, is that once you see it in her, it's going to be easier to see within yourself. So the problem with solo exploration is that your mind is biased.

So what we're going to try to do is inquire with each other. We're going to try to bring stuff out of each other, but in doing so, we're going to understand, like, the rules of the game. Make sense? That's kind of what we're doing here. Last point that I want to mention about venting. So this isn't about venting. But venting has a very important point, which is that when we're emotionally activated, it's harder to see things clearly.

So we are going to vent some, but the purpose of venting is very specific. It's not venting to nowhere. It's venting to decompress some amount of emotion so that we can see things clearly, so that we can understand, so that we can simplify and ultimately make our life easier. Does that make sense? Okay. I'm going to try to summarize with a formula, and we can, to support this formula, we can offer citations from science or ancient spiritual traditions or clinical work. Y'all tell me if you want more detail on any of those realms. But here's basically why life is hard. The first thing is we don't understand what we're doing. Avidia or ignorance is the root of suffering. And like once you understand stuff, I don't know if you all kind of get this, but like once you understand, understand something, things become just easier, right? Once I understood that, oh, like, you know, whether it's a video game we're playing, once you understand the rules, it's like,

now it all makes sense. So understanding is going to be our key goal. What gets in the way of understanding is a compromised mind. So when our mind is not functioning clearly, due to emotions or other kinds of things, it's hard to see things. So another role that we're going to have is to try to purify our mind so that we can look at things clearly. And once we can look at things clearly, we can understand things. The other problem that we run into is that how does our mind become impure? So we've already figured that out because when we set an expectation for ourselves, that's unreasonable, and then we fail to live up to that expectation, what does that do to my mind?

It causes emotions and things to get in the way of you seeing clearly. Exactly, right? So expectation, not living up to expectation, results in emotional damage. emotional damage impacts clarity of mind, impact on clarity of mind, leads to a lack of understanding of like what we're doing. Okay. So then later, maybe now, maybe later, we'll see. We're going to dig into like, where do expectations come from and how can we on an individual

level start to understand, okay, like, what are, like, why do I expect this from myself? And we'll discover a lot of other interesting things. Like there's a hypothesis that having an expectation is the source of something. suffering as well. Make sense? Questions about any of this? That's what we're going to try to do, okay? So we do have homework, so I'm going to kind of pivot to that for a second, and then I'll offer a couple of options about how we want to spend the next hour, okay? So we had homework, which was assigned. Ash, if you didn't do it, no big deal. If no one did it, that's totally fine, too, not a big deal. But generally speaking, the homework, the time that you'll put in between

will just help us advance things quicker. Okay? So our homework for the week was to think a little bit about, do you all remember what it was? Yeah. It was, what do you want and what is holding you back? Great. So why don't we kind of go around for show of hands

who had a chance to do the homework? Okay. So let's just start with the three of all then. No big deal if you didn't get a chance to do it. So why don't you all share with us in like two to five minutes, like a summary of what do you want and what's holding you back. And for Smirky and Ash, what I want you all to do is pay attention to what they say. And I want you all to think about, okay, if our goal today is to like understand what we want and what's holding us back, what are some common themes we can explore at the end of this?

Like, y'all are going to give us the direction or give us options for the direction. Okay? Take it away. Oh, I'll go first. So when I think about what's holding me back, I kind of have this fear of the blank page, whether it was like, you know, in fine art or writing or anything creative. The moment I start, it's like, what's the point if the outcome is not going to be the result I wanted? and being result oriented it basically just stops you

before you really get there and I mean part of that expectation problem in and of itself is I was one of those gifted kids who was told that they were going to go change the world and stuff and yeah that did not happen so

I mean the gifted programs are really really good for setting up really bad depression cases decades after. I'm sure tons of people could associate with that. All they told you was, you're super smart and you can do anything. That's not true. I mean, you could be smart, but you can't do everything. Like, it's just not happening. So the moment that I hit something that I can't do immediately, it's overwhelming.

And so just like initial difficulty breaking it down, I immediately say to myself, well, you're supposed to be smarter than us. And that ain't true, I guess. There's also one thing that my one of my best friends told me is I struggle with my follow-through. like so committing to making like tic talks every week or you know making sure that i'm on time every stream or or um eating right things like that it being in the schedule and and making sure that it gets done like i want those things but there's always something in the back of my mind that says, oh, it's okay.

You know, you suck at this anyway. And I don't necessarily forgive myself, but I just tell myself, well, you were going to fail. So I guess that's what kind of holds me back is I already knew that I was going to mess up from the start. So, yeah. How is it, what does it like to hear metric say that? hard

saddening like I feel sadness for you to to feel those things about yourself is I can relate

with following through it's oh there goes yeah I can relate with that I'm supposed to post TikTok today oh it's fine I'll just do it

tomorrow I don't feel good enough to do it and you just feel like a failure all the time but we're not failures we're here

to make impact communities and it's just always that voice in the back of your head saying nope you're not good enough to do this today and you try again the next day well not good enough to do it next day still not good enough to do it so I can relate on that level absolutely and it's sex because we have communities sorry we have communities that love us and appreciate our work and it's still just that voice telling us no we're not yeah like they're so supportive and then like if you are totally honest about this stuff because like reaching back to like authenticity

you know and being our authentic selves like I want to be honest about how I feel like when I say like you know I really want to stream this game but I have no idea if anyone's going to watch and then you know a bunch of people say oh we will totally but like I don't want to hold them to that

that's like it's not you know so that nobody is owed like nobody owes me their time even if you say you're going to be there like God knows it's like it's not your job to be in my stream right like

and so managing what content I do how I change things up like the other day I did a darkest dungeon stream which you know I hadn't done in ages and then somebody came in and literally just said, I'm here for Darkest Dungeon. And that's like my main game,

it kind of made me feel like, well, damn. Like, I'm not saying you got to be here for me or the community or anything else, but it's like, I didn't want to know that. And then since you're so, we both are result-oriented. And then when we don't see those results, it just makes us backpedal,

even more when we should keep pushing and be proud of our work because I think, yeah, something else have to learn and not to be so heavy on the results and engagement from stuff. I should just be proud of my content because the more you're proud of your content, proud of the stuff you're doing that will attract more people. You have to be proud of yourself in order to succeed. So I relate. Totally.

Okay, so I'm going to... I guess one... So one thing I forgot to include, I'm sorry, was... Like, I feel like there's like three kinds of people in this world, which I know is very reductive. But there's the people who, like, are willing to put themselves out there, which I think we're all kind of a part of, you know, whether or not we're like introverted IRL or not. But a part of us wants to put ourselves out there. There's people who, like, more or less consume and judge.

And I'm not saying it's necessarily. a bad thing, but, you know, they're relatively quieter. And then maybe they don't want to be like, you know, public creators or whatever, and that's fine. But there is definitely a smaller group of people on the other end who, they only publicly put anything out when they need to tear something down. And that's like, for folks like us, that's like the one thing that we have to work around. And, you know, a lot of people say, well, if you're not willing to take like trolls or whatever, then you can't be doing this. But there is like a certain limit to how much you can take.

So sometimes when I'm thinking about trying something new, I think about like those people more than say a normal consumer of content because I'm more worried about them. So yeah. Anyway. So I'm going to actually give you all a. choice. So I know that we just have done one person's homework review, but I'm tempted to kind of go off on this tangent of expectations that we should put on ourselves, this idea of being a failure, this idea of being results oriented, but I'll kind of leave it up to the group. Do you all want to dig into that, or do we want to continue talking about homework?

I'm kind of on homework, but others, like, what do others want to do? homework. I think I love to talk more about everybody else. Okay. Great. So let's continue with homework then. So I do mine as I was the one that said. Do you stick with me to homework? Or do, are we just doing the what's holding us back bit right now? Whatever, whatever you want to share from the homework. Okay. So I actually found the homework very inspiring. and I spent every day of the whole last two weeks working on it.

Not in a physical way, but in a mental way, I spent every day re-looking at the questions and spent part of my daily practice or whatever you want to call it, focusing in on. Mostly what's holding me back and then that led to what I want. So yeah, I wrote, I've been thinking about it for two weeks. What was holding me back is now the question. I know I've not completely worked through it

and you can't just like magic away things. But it's very similar to metric and, like, and Ash. What was holding me back was fear and self-judgment and finding excuses, allowing others to affect my emotions. I've recently just solved my house and I've moved back in with my parents for a short intermission before I move to another country. So I'm in a different space, which throughout my yoga meditation practice,

because not having private space, I found quite hard to get back into that practice. So I got myself back into some meditation practice, some asana and some pranayama, and taking pride in the knowledge that I have and the things I've worked on prior to this point and knowing that I can because what was holding me back

was not being confident in my own knowledge that I actually have a bit like how Dr. Kay is saying how does that feel to hear someone else say those things about themselves and it hurts and it's sad like it makes me sad to hear someone effectively like self-sabotaging

in ways and I have this practice of saying the things that I'm feeling out loud to myself and then imagining if someone else was saying that to you and I wouldn't let them if all the things you're saying to yourself you wouldn't let someone else say to you then why are you letting them say them to yourself say them to yourself say them to yourself. And this is something that I preach. And I realized that I can never be, I'm a human being, I can never be perfect. And this is a mindset that I've spent my whole life kind of going,

and then like pulling myself back out of again and then going in. And I can be in that mindset whilst I'm on the hamster wheel and getting nowhere. but I feel like I'm trying to find or starting to hit that place of, is it eustress? And I forced myself to make a Instagram reel that I'd wanted to make for about two years. And it performed better than any of my other Instagram reels because it was authentic. And I'm doing that thing again where I nearly cry. about like something um because it's it was authentic and it came from a place of um passion i guess like people could tell from the real i hope that it means a lot to me and yeah it was scary to press

post but posting it almost felt like ripping off a band-aid and opening up a new book of content creation for myself so yeah that's the two weeks. When I did my coaching with one of your coaches, they would leave me homework and then they'd be like, okay, you've gone on to the next homework and then you've gone on to the next homework because once something clicks, I have to keep going on it,

but that's how I can easily get on the hamster wheel again as well. I'm very aware that I can take that feeling. And I actually wrote down like maybe it's dopamine chasing as someone with ADHD, and then I lose the direction. So I'm trying to think about this differently and focus on it differently. So yeah, that was my homework. Awesome. How did people, how do you all feel listening to that?

I wish I could have done that. So what is that feeling metric? Not envy is not appropriate. I'm happy for it because like envy implies like I don't know it feels like it takes away from the person who achieves something. So if it's inappropriate to have the feeling, use the word inappropriate, right? Right. If it's inappropriate to have the feeling, that means you're not feeling that, correct? No, it's not that. It's more like, I mean, I want that too. But how do I, I don't know if there's a word for, you know, a positive feeling of wanting the same if there's a word for that.

So sometimes when we see someone else doing something and we are happy for them and we want it for ourselves, sometimes the word that we use is inspired. Is that what you're feeling, though, metric? Are you feeling inspired? Yeah. Yeah, let's see. Yeah. Any other feelings? I mean, it's easy to go back on myself and be frustrated and think, like, well, you know, why can't I think like that?

Why? I mean, it's like, what's holding me back? It's like, oh, no, I did the thing again. So, I don't know. Yeah. All good stuff. We'll get, we'll figure it out, metric. Any other, anyone else want to share their reactions to Ruby's sharing?

I'm proud of you. You know, you say you have anxiety and you're up here speaking and, you know, in front of hundreds of people about your experience and how you're working through it. So it is inspiring. And I think you're very strong for that. So that's my reaction. And I want to be like you when I grow up. But it is hard, you know, allowing, I mean, we're content creators. It's hard not getting feedback or, you know, seeing troll messages and not getting engulfed with them and allowing not to stop your content creating. So I'm proud you posted that real. There's plenty of content pieces I've been thinking about for the last six years and I'm terrified of it. But I think I have a unique experience with being a black woman because I feel like the

industry is constantly against me. I try not to let it get the best of me, but it's hard. Especially when, well, this is why I stopped expecting things because, you know, you see your peers that don't look like you get a certain amount of engagement or numbers or something. And you know you won't get that back, but you just keep trying. So that's my constant struggle, I think, in particular. that's what's holding me back. So that's my quick homework, actually. Straight up, the first time I ever heard of you

was the trolling that you received when you were doing GTARP, which was like all racially motivated and everything and I was just like, oh, you know? Yeah, and it's like, I'm doing 10,000 other wonderful things, but that's being highlighted. Of course, I post it. like,

fairness, but yeah. And, and I mean, it's like, yeah, I would rather have found out about you through, you know, something positive that happened to you or something that you did.

Rather than like, you know, something that just sparked outrage across Twitter. So, but that's how this works too, I guess. So. Yeah.

And it's in a constant battle of, do I share this to spread awareness? I mean, people know these things happen to us, but I feel like I have to continue to talk about it because people still don't believe like, oh, how are you getting racially targeted in games? I'm like, what do you mean? Don't you live in this world?

It happens to us. No, I'm always in a constant battle of, do I post? Do I post this? Should I share this? And then I have the mindset now of just not feeding into the hate and sharing it, just sharing my wins, the positive things. and keeping up with that. But

Does someone want to fill us in in terms of what we're referring to? Like what happened? Oh, what happened? Okay. I was playing GTA RP. Yeah, totally. I was playing GTA RP in a new server.

This is my first time during RP. I was really excited. I'm not sure how I was targeted. I think the server wasn't really protected so anyone could join it. So I was playing as the EMS and I was picking up a body on a street. And I got ran over by a truck. And of course, there's in-voice, in-game comms. So they were just screaming hard ER, hard ER, over and over and over and screaming my Twitch name. And then it happened a second time on a different day. After alerting the server admins, hey, something's going on here.

somebody targeting me on my stream. They see it happening. Happened twice. So after that, it did blow up because I posted the clips on Twitter and then I joined No Pixel. So something good came out of it, but it just sucks that I had to be seen in that light, you know, and being vulnerable. So, yeah, that was my first time being targeted. It actually happened again a few weeks ago when I was playing the forest and they have these illegal mods to install in the forest, I guess, this old game. And the same thing happened, a bunch of horrible things that I don't even want to repeat. But yeah, I don't know if it's through Twitch or through what where I'm being targeted.

But yeah, those are just the only two instances. It happened in six years. So I'm happy about that, but still traumatized by it. It's terrifying on online games, but I just keep pushing. I hear things every single day. It's ridiculous. Thank you for sharing. I have my own struggles on top of being a marginalized creator.

So. Yeah, how is that fair? I don't want to say struggle. I don't want to say struggle. I don't want to say struggle. It's just something that happens. But that's why I try to just keep. good people around me

stay positive of course I'm going to have bad days and that's normal to have bad days and I want to share when I have bad days and be transparent with my community hard it's hard if it helps you

if you want to laugh one time one of my mods told me that he doesn't see color and I was like don't give me that crap and he's like no no no I'm actually color blend and I was like oh oh see that's funny

so There you go. Zell, you want to share your homework? Sure. So, yeah, like things I want, I guess, starting off with that. I think for me, it's a lot of just I want to make stuff that I'm proud of. I think a lot of the work I've done thus far has been good. Texting privacy policy in terms of conditions posted at textplan.us.

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Text grade to 3232 right now, and get started for just $1. Text grade to 3232 now. Text grade to 3232.32. Like, I specifically, I also want things that, like, are my responsibility of things. Like, I've been part of a lot of other big projects around me. I'm, like, one of the people in it. So, like, you know, I was one of the founding members of Offline TV. I was, you know, a talk show host on a show owned by Riot.

You know, I was a guest on this other show that, you know, is now big. So, like, a lot of my success, I feel like, has come. from kind of being in the right place at other people's point of journeys. And so for me, a lot of what I want now is, like, I want to prove that I can do it myself and that I have stuff that I can show the world that I'm proud of. I want to have fun, you know, like I want to enjoy the things that I'm doing. I want to not worry about finances and, you know, as a content creator. and I think like part of what's tough about being a content creator sometimes is like you want to be not results oriented but at the end of the day you know we live in a society where you know money is at the end of the day important and like you can't you can't ignore that and that's part of like the probably for me anyways like that's part of the ticking cycle of like what creates these expectations in terms of what I want to focus.

focus or like what I want to work on, what I struggle with, or what I, you know, have a challenge with. For me, it's like kind of like what people are saying, like kind of commitment. But like for me, I think one of the hardest things was, is now that I'm kind of on my own and trying to prove to myself that I want to make my own content and stuff like this, that it's hard to choose a path. I think I relate with metric a little bit, you know, like I was a gifted kid, you know. And the thing is that I have, like, the track record to show that I can, I actually kind of feel a little differently in some ways because, like, I really genuinely believe in myself that I can do whatever I want to do. But it's actually because of that that I have a hard time choosing.

You know, like, I know I was good at math and sciences. And so I got my degree in mechanical engineering. But then I liked making video content. And so my first job out of college wasn't that. was to make videos for an e-sports team. And then, like, you know, and then I started playing competitive smash. And then I, you know, like, I just jumped around to thing to thing.

And, like, what the end result is now is that, like, I'm really good at a lot of things, but as a content creator, I think it's important to have, like, your main thing that you're known for. And so personally speaking, that's, like, a challenge for me. Another thing I struggle with is just like asking for help from people, I think, too. You know, this is for specifically content creation, it's made it hard to, like, do collabs because I think, like, talking to other people about content is difficult for me.

In general, I think that's just like a life thing for me is just like I've kind of always relied on myself. And again, part of that, like, belief that I can do anything is that I, I've shown to myself over time, it's like a reinforced behavior for me that like I know that if I work hard enough at something, like I will be able to do that thing. And so on that front, it also makes it more difficult to like ask other people, you know, for either friendships or collabs or whatever. And then the last thing that was kind of on my, well, actually no, this is just another list, part of the list, but life balance as well was something that I struggle with. where it kind of, content creation always feels like this 100% or 0% deal, where you're either maximizing everything that you possibly can or it's kind of not worth doing.

You know, like, for example, if you made a YouTube channel and you posted one video a month starting out, it probably doesn't feel like enough compared to like someone on a weekly schedule or on a daily schedule. And like, especially because like content these days is oriented towards consistency at like a rapid pace, you know, like most of the big channels when you're competing against, you know, people with a lot more resources than you, you know, they have teams of editors who can pump out video after video after video. And so like, you know, and the truth is that

that's just, that's just playing the numbers game. And like, I think there was a video that Ludwig put out that I thought was really insightful about content creation, which is just like every, every YouTube video, every content piece that you put out is a lottery. ticket. And so the more lottery tickets that you put in, the more likely that you're going to succeed somewhere along the way and one of your lottery tickets might win. And so like it kind of feels like, again, it's kind of like, well, is it worth it to just pick up one lottery ticket a week? Or if I'm going to make lottery tickets, I might as well get as many as I can to try to maximize my percentage, right? So that's definitely like a thing that goes in my mind about life

life balance. And then the last thing is I wrote a couple of fears that I have is just like fear of not meeting my own expectations slash potential, which is funny because we talked about it just now about how expectation is the source of suffering. And I mean, this has been a common theme, I think, with a lot of the things that people are saying is just like how our expectations continually bring our suffering. And the trouble I have with that, statement a little bit is like I feel like I'm conflicted because on one hand these expectations I feel like are necessary for me to feel like I'm working on something that I can be proud of because I feel like if I don't have any expectations I

feel like I can't I guess like there's that fear that I lose my sense of like quality I guess and like part of like making good content is understanding what is good and therefore creating the expectation from it it. And then my last fear that I wrote down was just complete misplaced judgment in my own potential. So like I've talked, I think, a little bit right now where like I feel like I can do anything and I have a proven track record. But like, what if that track record is completely like just luck? And like, what if I was just at the right place at the right time for all these things? and what if I'm not really as good at things as I think I am?

And in that case, as a content creator, am I even in the right space to be here? And is my belief in being a content creator completely misplaced? Can I interject? Is that okay? Because I would say the right place, right time thing, like, as far as content creation goes, luck is a skill. It's one thing. to want the opportunity.

It's another thing to be ready for when the opportunity strikes. And so I think you're writing off the fact that you were ready for those opportunities when they presented themselves. That's what I would take away from that. It wasn't that, oh, I was lucky to have these chances. It was good of me to like, you know,

strike while the iron was hot. So I wouldn't I wouldn't take that away from yourself Okay, deal with it. Okay, we're gonna pause for a second. So Zelle, what is your instinctive reaction to what metric said? I think Yeah, I mean, I think like there's a part of I'm conflicted because on like one hand I was your instinctive reaction What came first? We know you're conflicted and we know what the two sides are.

Which one came first? He wanted to punch me. He wanted to punch me. Yeah. No, I mean, it was like, I guess denial at first. Okay. Yeah. So now we're going to learn something really important.

So when this is exactly why we're doing this, right? So remember we talked about internal biases like we can't see. stuff for ourselves, right? So when metric says what he says, is that supportive or unsupportive?

Supportive? Supportive. Is it validating or invalidating? I think that's up to Zow, right? What? Would that be up to Zow? Sure. What do you all think, though?

I would say, On the surface, it's invalidating what Zell's expressing. But underneath, it's a, it's kind of, if it, it's like you say, it's up to Zell, if it hits the right place in Zell, it could be validating, but. Did it hit the right place in Zell? Okay, so we're going to do a little experiment, right? Zell, bro, this sounds terrifying, man. Because here's what I'm hearing, okay? I'm hearing that like objectively, you have a ton of successes behind you.

Like, you ran a podcast for a freaking riot. You're one of the founding members of OTV. Like, that's amazing, man. At the same time, you're never the lead, right? You're like second fiddle to someone else's thing. And so what I'm hearing is like, did you just get like, did you, because we're talking about lottery tickets. Did you just win the lottery a couple of times, or is it like really you? Is it your work or did you just get lucky?

Like, I can totally get. Or is it even like his win, I guess? Yeah. How does it feel to hear me say that, Zell? Uh, I don't even know where to begin. I mean, like, yeah, I feel, yeah, I'm not sure. I'm actually, I'm not actually not sure. Yeah.

Right? So maybe we'll run a couple of predictions. So what I'm imagining, the reason that you have trouble answering it is because it's bringing up a lot of conflicting feelings. So on the one hand, I'm guessing that you feel heard and understood, but you also feel terrified because maybe I get it. And what if it's right? And so, like, maybe we're on the same page, but the page that we're on is not a good page. It's a crappy page, but we're there together.

How does that... Is that what you're feeling, maybe, like, resonate with you, not resonate with you? Yeah, I think that resonates a bit, you know, because, like, yeah, it feels like... Yeah, I mean, there might be some truth behind it and it might be a tough pill to swallow, potentially, but also at the same time, yeah, like you said,

It does feel like you're on the same page, I guess. Okay. Yeah. So now this is really important, right? So are y'all hearing, I'm thinking about how to ask this? So right now, Zell is conflicted. When I say what I say, like, let's try this on for size. Actually, it's going to be facetious.

But Zell, you should believe in yourself. You can accomplish anything that you put your mind to. Thanks, man. I believe in you. You're amazing. you've done so much awesome stuff in the past. And like, if you've been so successful, how could you not be successful in the future? Believe in yourself.

You were gifted from day one, remember? So this is where, I mean, that wasn't really fair. I'll try to do a metric did a far more authentic job. So my point is this. When we're struggling, like there's something that kind of bothers me. a little bit that's going on. I don't know if we're really ready for that, but there's like too much false positivity here.

Do we want positivity? Absolutely. But there's like a little bit too much false positivity. The interesting thing is that the false positivity is not coming from interactions between people. So what Metric said to Zelle, I think is very authentic and very positive. The false positivity is what we're talking about ourselves.

And I don't know that we're ready for that yet, but like actually, I don't know how to say this, but when y'all tell yourselves, I can do it, what does that do to you? I mean, it sets up the initial expectation, so. Right? Like, so, like, and if you can do it and you don't do it, what does that say about you? That you failed.

Right? Yeah, because I don't know, there was a comment that, that metric made earlier that stuck with me about like how you. I mean, sorry, Smarky. Oh, yeah, no, sorry. No, it's okay. There was a comment that stuck with me earlier about how like, because metric was like, oh, yeah, I did the whole like gifted thing.

And then you basically were like thinking about, you know, you were like, it was kind of like, yeah, I can do this, but then you were kind of like, it was, you were kind of like, oh, but that's not really like, you know, worth it. Like, you know, it's not, sorry, words. Because you commit to what it is you commit to, but in the back of your head, you kind of run with this notion like, oh, you know, what's the point. if X, Y, or Z. Like, you kind of have this thing running in the back of your head. And I forget the exact quote, the exact verbiage, but there was something in there that stuck

with me. And I guess that's kind of, I don't know, I'm only bringing it up because it feels like you kind of circled back around to it, how it's like, oh, like, you know, you've committed to this thing. But do you truly, in the back of your head, believe it, even though you have committed to this thing? and you're like, yeah, I can do this, but is that really what you believe that you can do? Or are you just saying it just because?

I guess that's what I'm trying to say. Right. So here's what's happening. When we commit to something, where does that commitment come from? Yeah, does it like just come from, oh, I've done it a million times and I've, you know, is it like part of the, I guess, machine or is it like a true, authentic, genuine, like, yeah, I'm like ready to go. I'm ready to commit to this thing.

Yeah. I was going to say, is it the should that I was talking about like last time? That should feeling didn't exist when I made that real for Instagram that did really well. The should feeling wasn't there. The I'm doing this because it feels good was there. and I want to and I've been holding myself. It's like making that content felt separate from any other content I've ever made. It's not even a minute.

It took me like four takes. Two of them I forgot to turn the microphone on because I was really nervous. And then I laughed at myself and then the last one was perfect. And I just put it up online. But Ruby, did you try to make it perfect? No. Why not? I just spoke.

Is it trying to make it perfect the way that you get the best views? No. Not always. No, no, no. Because if you're too perfect, people can almost write you off. They can see, they can't see, like, they can see through it that it's curated. and it needed to be in that moment. I needed to record it then and put it up.

If I didn't record it then and put it up when I was in that moment and I felt the calling to do it, basically. You could argue that that in itself is your perfect video, right? Because perfect... It doesn't... Yeah. I didn't care if it was perfect or not. I just needed to make sure it had the message that I wanted to say in it and people would understand that.

And I listened to it once and was like, okay, it works. It gets the message across. It doesn't need to be fancy. It doesn't need to, I didn't see anyone else or look like I have this habit before of, okay, I want to make a video like this, but I'm going to look up if anyone else has done it. Oh, that's terrible. See what other people are doing. or and like call it research but it's not really research it's just like a little self-sabotage

because you you knew what you wanted to do but yeah it was just a little talking yourself out of it you're doing that self-destruct thing again aren't you like yeah so let me ask you all a question we're going to go back to zell for a second this is all really fantastic so if we spend the next couple of weeks telling zell that we believe in him we believe in yourself you can do it See, here are all the ways why your lack of faith in yourself is undeserved because you have all these successes. And we're going to support you because that's what we do. Is the goal of this group support? We asked this question at the very beginning.

I think we'd have to ask ourselves, is it the end goal or is it part of a bigger goal? So what is our goal for Zell? What do you all think? What do you all want to see him do? We want him to be self-sufficient. Okay. So that when we're not around, he can do the things that he wants to do. Okay.

Or at least try to do them. Okay. I want you all to pay very close attention. What were the, what does? So sure, we're going to help him to be self-sufficient, but self-sufficient to do what? What did you all, what were the verbs that metric used? Believing? Like, nope, not believing.

Like just now? Like. Yeah, just now. Like he used the right words. But what were they? He said to try. That's one thing. Try.

Try to be self. Right? He wants Zell. This is the tricky thing. When we start speaking from in here before we really understand it, we don't even know what we're saying. But our brain picks the right word, even if we don't realize it. He wants his goal for Zell is for Zell to do what he wants to do. and his goal is for Zelle to try.

When is y'all's goal to try? Is that actually what your goal is? Never. Your goal is to succeed. It's not to try, except, yeah, I'm getting to you, Ruby. I'm going to say, I try every day a little bit. Right? And so, and what we hear from Ruby is that when she actually stops trying to succeed,

and just put something out there that's authentic. Like, that's actually when things go well. And what we heard from Ash is that she sets like expectations for herself. Right? It all comes back to like, no one is focused on the trying. Everyone's focused on living up to the expectations. And the bizarre thing is if I start here and I expect this of myself and I end up moving this far.

Am I a success or a failure? In your mind, you're a failure. Have I progressed? Or am I staying in the same spot? You have, but you might not fully recognize that you've progressed. Like, I want you all to really think about this. Let's say that my goal is to gain 10 pounds. And that's my goal.

And I gain 5 pounds. And I view myself as a failure. What does that end up doing? towards my motivation. I've gained five pounds. Halfway to my goal. No motivation. Kind of takes the motivation,

honestly, if you don't hit your goal. Sorry, I think it's different when, well, you can't control your weight, but you have more control of that. But when it's something with consecration, you don't really have control. So I feel like those are different. Those are absolutely different.

We'll dig into those new ones. I'm trying to use this to illustrate a principle about expectation. And there's a big difference. Huh? Me trying to run away from it. No, no. So, no. So, Ash, we want you to run away from it, right?

Because the goal here is not for, the goal here is for, if you, if you're not buying what I'm selling, that's a problem that we all need to fix together. And I'm not the arbiter of truth. Like, you know, I don't understand the YouTube algorithm at some divine level. And the whole point is that my answers may not apply to you because I don't know if you all can tell, but I'm pretty sure Ash and I have lived remarkably different lives. Just in terms of like when we walk into a grocery store or when there's a police car behind us, how we get treated. Right?

So, like, if Ash is running in the opposite direction, you run. You go as far as you want to. We're going to chase you and we're going to figure it out together. What I'm hearing, though, from today, and this is to kind of like, I know Smarky, I know I'd ask you for themes and stuff, but we've got 10 minutes left and I think you'd a really good job of tying things back. So that was awesome. But I think that, like, we're hearing, I think what we're talking about today is expectation. And what I'm hearing from Zell is that he,

like, he expects a lot from himself, and he's not sure that he can live up to it. And this is where we've got to be really, really careful, because if we're supportive, what we're doing is Zell expects this, this is where he thinks he is. And we say, absolutely, Zell, we believe you, we believe in you, you can get up here.

And we're going to support him to move towards his goals. And what we're actually going to do is reinforce his expectation. What we're actually going to do is say, yes, you should be able to do it. And it's just your dumbass that lacks confidence in yourself, that you don't believe in yourself. So let me give you a, here's, oh, here comes the airplane with a spoonful of confidence, open wide cell. Because you've accomplished so much. Now, there's cognitive bias there too, because I think metric is on to something, right? and we'll discover that what metrics stumbled on is actually really, really important.

There is evidence that shows that people who have especially imposter syndrome attribute their successes to luck, but they attribute the successes of others to failure, I mean, to effort. So if someone else succeeds, they did a good job. But when I succeed, I got lucky. So the way that we cognitively deal with that is a little bit different. the other question that we all, we're going to ask, we're not going to ask Metrick,

but we're going to answer it for him, is does metric talk to that, the way that he saw what Zell's real strength is, right? Because I think that's authentic. I think he's correct. I'm not saying he's wrong. Does he see that within himself? No, I totally get that because I think of all the emails I never answered

that would have potentially given me more opportunities. But I was like, I'm not good enough for this, and I just left it alone. And I totally self-sabotaged myself. So I know that I did not take advantage of those things when they came along. This is what's cool. We'll get to that in a second. So can we acknowledge that metric is going to feel what kind of emotion as he talks about the scenario of not responding to emails?

How does he feel? What do you all think? Disappendient. Disappointment, regret, guilt. Right? and and like this is where things get tricky because like if we want to be validating so like get ready for it okay

metric I think you kind of screwed up there bro hell yeah now let me ask you do you think that just because you screwed up in the past do you think you're going to continue to screw up I would like that to not be a pattern of behavior so yeah And so I know that's something I want to develop out of. Yeah.

And so like, do you think we can help you with that? I would very much like that, please. How are you feeling right now, metric? Well, I mean, silly, but also like, you know, it's, I think in a way, we wouldn't be here if we weren't hypocritical on ourselves, right? So, yeah, definitely, definitely the do as I say, not as I do kind of thing. Yeah, man, that's hard. Like, that's because you're right.

Like, we're all like that, right? So I think me and everyone in this group would like to help you change. How do you feel about that? I would love to take advantage of everything that comes my way. So, you know. Now I'm going to ask you all a question. If I didn't say you kind of screwed up there, what is me saying that do for metric? Like, what was our sequence of events?

Who can kind of map it out? Opened Metric up to talk more about the situation? Like, metric came back with like a jockey response, but it was like, yes, I did kind of mess up there and I want to make a change. So it's kind of like a turning. I won't say kind of. It was totally. It's a turning, mental kind of turning point. It's a.

I love that phrase mental turning point. But here's the thing. Unless we like go to where he is and meet him where he's at, we can't move him forward. We can't get him to turn. If we tell metric, no, like, oh, like bad things happen to all people. Like, you shouldn't beat yourself up so much. but he does beat himself up right and we say like you know what you're down in the trenches you kind of screwed up and like we're going to help you with that we're going to acknowledge that

you made a mistake and so the the the the what i want to be careful about here i know this sounds kind of weird but like when someone kind of screws up and they beat themselves up and they call themselves so like what sometimes happens is we get stuck between not we feel like a failure but we try to convince ourselves that we're not. And I know this sounds kind of bizarre, but I think actually the right move is to not try to convince people that they're not failures. The right move is to actually say, if you feel like a failure, you know, some of that is a little bit unfair,

but if you kind of screwed up, that's okay. And also, like, I don't want the mistakes of the past, I don't want you to be afraid of failure. But any time we try to convince ourselves that we're not failures, what we're actually doing is like reinforcing the fear of failure. Does that make sense? Yes. It makes a lot of sense. And I resonate with it. Tell me what do you resonate with Smurkey? Go. The whole beating yourself up thing, like I, when I think about it, it does help reinforce that

fear of like, well, I don't want to be back in this position again where I'm internally beating myself up for X, Y, Z, right? So, and that's something I always like struggle with going through like school, like, you know, going through college, trying to maintain high standards and maintain good grades and things like that. So I don't know. It's something I can resonate with a lot. Good. Right? Because that's what it's really subtle because it's not, it's not really our fault because we're never really taught how to deal with failure. What we're taught is that you shouldn't fail. Right. So like what we're doing is like, like, you know, it's like we're running like dodge builds.

I don't know if this makes sense to people. Y'all, like how much gaming y'all do. But it's like the whole point is to like no hit build. It's like a no hit run. Like perfection. What's actually like sure, once in a while someone pulls that off. But what's like a lot better is to like go with a healer. Right?

And like you just acknowledge that sometimes stuff ain't going to work. If we go back to this, you know, people where someone mentioned Ludwig and Ludwig was like, you know, you're just buying lottery tickets. That's only a strategy if you can afford for lottery tickets to be failures over and over and over and over again. But if you're unwilling to let that lottery ticket be worthless, then like every time that lottery ticket doesn't win, you fell short of your expectation. All of this negative emotion comes up. you go into this cycle of like counteractive positivity because that's what we learn right we learn like oh i can't beat myself up you don't want to swim in the negativity so you try to counter it with positivity instead of actually like detoxifying that negative emotion

and the way that you detoxified is you actually like acknowledge it so when people I feel like i live in like the space between you know learning from a mistake and turning it into a positive or just wallowing in the failure of like not acting on it. So it's like it could have been a good thing. But now I've just turned it into a really bad thing. And I'm just eating that. Yeah, we got to be super careful with you, metric because that is the kind of thing that somewhere along the way,

your mind is like splitting towards the negative, right? Like, you acknowledge that both of those things are there, but you're moving down one path. And then that gets reinforced somehow. So we're going to have to figure out how to do that. But we'll help you with that. Cool. So I think that... So what are, like, some takeaways for today?

Like, what are people, like, getting from this? I know we touched on a lot of different stuff. I feel like some dots are connected, but there's not really a picture. Like, what are people taken away from this? um self toxic positivity we need to actually acknowledge our emotions and our reactions to our feelings um and sit with them personally this is something that i was working on myself because i realized that just by asking myself that question for two weeks made me realize i'm reacting rather than acknowledging and then digging a little bit deeper,

why do I feel like this? What is this actually a reaction to? What do I want from this reaction? Why do I feel like this? Like basically sometimes we feel a certain way and we will get all jumbled in our feelings. So we're missing that clarity that we were talking about at the beginning. And just hopefully learning to get more of that clarity.

Maybe that like expectations rob us of the gratitude of success. Well, so far as like, okay. That's set on right now. Yeah. Right. Anyone else? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Like I didn't do my homework because I was at Pax West, but basically I feel like I'm still getting a lot out of this, kind of like just diving into it. And I do like what Ruby said about like, instead of just like being reactive but actually sitting down and acknowledging your emotions, that's something that I've like, it's one of those things where I like know that it's important personally to like sit down and acknowledge how you feel and not just full, you know, it's, it's good to like fully be present with your emotions, but I don't know. For some reason, it's a whole other thing to actually like put that acknowledgement into action. So I don't know.

That's just something I guess I kind of notice. want to like take away out of the session to like maybe get some kind of action plan going for it. Sure. We'll talk about that. Smirk. Sure, sure. Yeah, I noticed that I'm missing the clarity piece. Eventually when things don't go my way or, you know, expectations, I just get upset with myself and shut down. And I need to learn how to get out of that rut and just keep moving forward and staying in a positive mindset. instead of just going in a downward spiral because that's my weakness at the moment.

Okay. Something goes wrong. I'm just, it's a bad day. Like, it's an automatic bad day. But I know towards the end of my day, I try to just de-stress and think about the positives of my day. So I just need to do more of that. Okay. And just better understanding how I feel.

Okay. And stop setting expectations. Yeah. So, so, but be careful because hold on a second. So did you all notice? So we got to be careful. What did you all notice about what Ash just said? Did you all notice anything?

I noticed a little bit of toxic positivity slide in there. Yeah. You set some expectations of yourself whilst telling yourself not to set expectations and that you just had to focus on the positive. Try it better. And I always think of the negatives that happen throughout the day. Right. So, so it's.

Better well said. I think Ash is moving in the right direction, but I'm glad you all picked up on that subtlety, right? So we're going to help her massage that a little bit. Because I think what Ash has learned is like, I don't know how to say this, but it's like a double-edged sword of a strategy. And that in order to combat the tide of negativity, you need something. but it like it she like overcomes the feeling some kind of failure or whatever by setting an expectation to be more positive so it's kind of like we're we're going to try to figure out if there's some other way for her to do it because there's I mean because we don't want to

as metric kind of mentioned this too that we don't want to just like go down the downward spiral and that's what's so hard about sitting with your emotions because if we're not careful we're just going to like hang out with them they're going to like occupy every corner of our mind, and we will spiral down. So it's not, when we say like, oh, just sit with your negative, like, that's hard. It's a skill that has to be learned. But I'm glad that you all caught it. We're going to see, we'll see how that morphs over time, okay?

Anyone else want to share a takeaway or anything like that? I'm noticing that everyone's sharing one thing. We don't have to do that, but I think it just sort of feels nice and complete. I just am terrified that there's one person who's like, hasn't really like, is still sort of sorting through things and doesn't have something nice to say and then they feel like now I have to say something but you know and Zelle's the only one that hasn't spoken yet so Zell if you want to say something you can but if you don't that's okay too I mean yeah I mean just like uh I think today taking away just how expectations um like when we were all kind of sharing our

homework stuff you know just how expectations sort of damage uh ourselves and get in the way of just getting in the way of things. And I guess moving forward, I'd love to see, like, because I kind of mentioned this before, but, you know, like, what level of expectation is good or how do we manage our expectations in a way that we accept them when we don't live up to them? And then I think the other takeaway is like,

I mean, this is just like my feeling from the group stuff is like I think a lot of times we kind of default to being positive as like a way to shield ourselves a little bit. and like I think um like in these sessions I feel like yeah we kind of are still in a point where we're like hiding ourselves a little bit through by like being positive and stuff and uh I would love to see like in the future people you know really get down into like what bums them out and like you know like not trying to necessarily spin it into a positive necessarily to kind of like protect ourselves so um but yeah anyway Yeah, so Zell, what are you going to do about that? Probably ask people to actually dig into, you know, what they actually mean and how they actually feel about these things without like, you know, saying the word like, yeah, I just need to be positive, you know? Okay. Yeah.

So that's like, that's a responsibility. If you see that happening, you should address it. Right. So I modeled how to do that a little bit today. I'll continue teaching y'all how to do that. But if you kind of like, like, you know, and it's. it's okay. Like, we don't want to be like all negative, right? But I would agree with you. And by the way, that's completely normal because it's like week three, right? We took a week off. We're still getting

to know each other. It's being streamed on the internet. So like, it's going to take some time for us to feel safe to kind of get down there. So one tip I'll give you all for that is when someone shares something negative, because actually, y'all do a good job of this. You'll share your negatives. What we tend to do, though, is offer support when someone shares a negative, which is normal, right? And at the same time... Yeah. And say, thanks for sharing and sometimes just leave it at that. But there's more potential there.

Right. And so that's the key thing, is that if we really want to help someone understand what's going on, when we offer support, there's no follow-up conversation. you'll notice that it's like we can say like we can express appreciation that's great I'm not saying don't do that but it's like you know

we say like oh like thank you for sharing silence I've been I was going to say I've been trying to learn to not say I'm sorry to hear that to people because it's quite it's A it's not even in my language I learned it from America

I actually had to learn it it's something I learned from having American friends. When people would say something, I didn't know what to say, and then I realized Americans say this, oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm sorry that happened. But having had it done to me from someone who doesn't use that normally in their language, it kind of feels invalidating or cuts off the negative thing that you just said,

the hard thing, you know. Yeah. So what we can do is, it's fine to express, I'm sorry or whatever. Like, that's not a bad thing to say. It's just we need to add something to that. And what do you all think we add to it? Any sort of follow-up question that might come to mind or I don't know.

Because sometimes I just like, I sit there and I'm like, okay, but after attempting to digest all of that, what is something I could pull apart from that? And for me, I think it just takes a bit longer to like get to that point. Absolutely, right? So it's a skill. we're going to work on it next week. Okay? So just to kind of a quick summary,

and then we'll offer homework. So first of all, thank you all so much for all of your contributions because I think that we're learning, like I love, I could not ask for a better group in terms of where y'all are

because it's great because y'all are authentic, y'all are struggling, and y'all are really trying to figure this out. And that's the best recipe, honestly. Because if y'all had all the answer, as we wouldn't be here. And so it's really good. I really appreciate it.

I'm confident that we're going to do a couple things. And I apologize, but I think I heard a little bit more from metric, Ash, and Zell. But in my mind, there are a couple things that I want to happen by the end of our time together. I want metric to no longer fear the blank page. You're going to be terrified of the blank page. And I want you to start doing whatever you want to on the blank page. even if you're afraid, even if it's going to fail, even if it ain't going to work, I want you to not let the fear of the blank page control you.

For Ash, I hate to put this expectation or goal on you, and I recognize I'm making a mistake here, but what I honestly, in my heart of hearts, what I want you to do when Ruby shared that she had made an Instagram real, you said that there's something I've wanted to do for six years. nothing, if there's one thing, what I want to do, this is not an expectation on you. But what I'm going to try to do, have no idea because you've been trying for six years. So what can we accomplish in six weeks? Probably not enough. But what I'm going to try to do is help you do whatever that is.

I have no idea what it is. I have no idea if it's possible. But in my heart of hearts, what I want to do is help you move forward in that way. And for Zelle, the concrete. that we're going to get you to do is ask for help. Okay? So like, I don't know how we're going to do that, but it's going to be all of, yeah. For Ruby and Smurkey, sorry, I don't have something for you all yet. I get the sense that Ruby's like on her journey. We'll see, you know, where something comes up. And Smirke was a little... I'm aware it can fall apart anytime. Great. So we're waiting

for that to happen. No, but, you know, it, this is where sometimes there's things in group have to be a bit uneven from a week to week basis, but over time, we're kind of thinking about those things, okay? Ruby gives me hope. It just, and that makes me happy. But I'm not trying to put pressure on her, but I like that. Yeah. So in terms of, sorry, you don't put pressure on me though, because part of my realization recently is I am just a human being. And so if things do fall apart, I know I can learn from that and I know that sounds too positive or whatever it does right now. Does it sound too positive? Not really.

Like I can have a bad day and I can have bad times, but I don't feel pressure because I am just a person. And by having a human moment that's not the best, that can be inspirational to you as well. Great. Right. So we want to be careful about toxic positivity. positivity is not toxic. Right? So, like, I think those kinds of authentic, positive shares are, like, good.

So last thing to consider, just to kind of recap. So as we were talking about, why is life hard? Because we don't understand what on earth we're doing. Makes sense, right? As we get more experience, as we figure things out, some things become easy. Some people never figure things out. And so they continue to have problems. So what makes it hard for us to figure things?

out. We have a mind that's cognitively biased. A lot of times those biases have to do with emotions that come up. Set an expectation for myself. Don't live up to that expectation. Negativity arises. Negativity clouds my judgment. I can't figure things out. I repeat the cycle. So now the question is, where does that expectation come from? So we explored that a little bit, but what I want you all to do is be more precise. So I want you to pick somewhere between one and three expectations that you actually have for yourself and try to figure out as precisely as possible, where did that expectation come from? When was it born? Where did, like, where did you set this goal for yourself? Why, if you say, if you made a commitment to make one TikTok a day, how on earth

did you decide on one TikTok a day? Why not two TikToks a day? Why not one TikTok every other day? Why not five TikToks a week? because what we'll discover, because, and I sort of get the sense that Zell was alluding to this, but like if we have no expectations, can we have direction? Because we get a lot of our expectation, we get a lot of our direction from our expectations and goals, right? So expectations are normal, like our brain will make them, so that's okay, but we need to be more sophisticated in the way that we create expectations for ourselves. instead of having them automatically like media influence plus parents. And like that's a terrible recipe for expectations.

So are we going to learn how to get away from them? Yes, but we also want to be a little bit more calculating in terms of how we set goals. Okay? Questions before we wrap up? Random tangent comment, I feel like that's going to be such a good conversation for me because I know I was a little on the quieter side today. but I think because like I run with the notion, oh, I don't need to like set expectations for myself. That's negative or whatever.

So then a lot of the times I'm like, oh, I don't have a sense of direction on what I want to do next and I'm indecisive. So completely random tangent comment, but I think next week that's going to be really good to touch on. Okay. Sorry. That's all. Awesome. Thank you for sharing. So my last question for y'all is, is anyone streaming right now?

So I will be in like 15 minutes. Okay. But I know y'all rated me last time, so I want to me, I want to open it up to anyone else. We got to send people somewhere. But if you're going to be streaming in 15 minutes, I don't know if people are going to be waiting around for 15 minutes. I can go live in five minutes and three minutes. And I have my OBS open right now. Go.

Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. I got you. Thank you all very much. I'll try to send you all a summary. Are those helpful, by the way? Yes. They are. They're very helpful. Okay. So I'm going to try it. I mean, does it matter if I send it same day or is it important to send it earlier? Earlier, if possible, please. Because it's late for me and I don't get, yeah.

Okay, great. I will send a summer. Also, can I say props to my mom for driving me out into town so I could steal Wi-Fi from a pharmacy? Thanks, Mom. I love you. Thank you, Mom. She patiently sat here. Thank you, Mom. All the long time. Everyone says thank you. And they love you.

And you're the best mom. Okay. Thank you. That's true. Take care, everybody. Thanks for joining us, Ash. Looking forward to having you again. Excited.

Thank you. Take care, everybody. Bye. Thank you. Thank you, Dr. Kay. Bye. Bye. Thank you, everyone.

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