HealthyGamerGG - How Insecurity Breeds Materialism: A Talk With Gross Gore

Episode Date: September 29, 2020

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Hello. Hey. How are you? Good. How are you? Okay. Okay. Can you just...

Yep. Good. Yeah. Can I sit here or do you stand up? No. Sitting is fine. I've just never seen this angle before. That's so interesting, man.

I cook. I cook amazing food on stream. And they're going to see the whole thing. Oh, interesting. What are some of your specialties? I've just started. I just followed. this app. But yeah, it's good. It's good. It's just, I just want to say as well, it's the first

time talking to you. I just want to say, I love the, God, I love the, the interview you did have talking about Wreckful. And I won't lie, I was crying like a, can I swear? Can I say bitch? I think so. Okay. I was crying like, like a bitch, because it was just, it hit me hard. And I just, it's just so surreal talking to you. But yeah, thank you for having me on. Yeah, of course, man. Thanks for coming on, man. Appreciate it. I'm going to bring a full screen. Give me a second. Sure. Okay. Yes, I'm okay.

Yeah, so tell me what was it that sort of affected you with the interview with Recful? This is so weird. I watched when he passed away, I watched the whole interview, the one on YouTube, and then you went live an hour later talking about it. It's just the words you speak just hits hard. You start talking about get up and fight. Because I've been living in anxiety and depression for the past three years. So when you start talking, like, if you've got problems, get up, ask for help. Oh, you spoke to me. That's when I started streaming properly in July. So, yeah, just want to say, never change.

Keep doing what you're doing. I say it's all the time. You're one of the streamers out there that actually are here to help your viewers. And that's so rare. So well done. Thanks. Thank you. I'm glad it was helpful.

You know, I think it was painful for all of us. but sometimes pain can bring us closer together and it's kind of bitter sweet but can help us move forward right and so what you said you've been struggling with depression and anxiety for three years mostly anxiety for the past three years yeah oh my god that sounds yeah yeah yeah well shall i give you the short story sure okay so pretty much and my viewers hate hearing this because i'm like a broken on record. I try not talk about ever. But about, I've been streaming on and off for seven years.

Back in 2015, my partner, we split up and I streamed every day in 2015. In 2006, in April of 2016, I got permanently banned on Twitch because I used to get like 10,000 viewers, but I used to, I was

a horrible person, right? I used to just be so toxic. And I got myself permanently banned by just, slandering someone's name, right? I got permanently banned. The day that happened, I was scared to talk

about anything to anyone. I become this, I just become so scared to even speak. And I've just kind of, it took me years. I've just got over it. I've just got over it. Now I'm like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I just don't give a fuck anymore. I shouldn't swear, sorry. But I just don't care anymore. I just talk, say, and I feel 10 times better. And so, yeah, anxiety. You know, but I was just so scared to talk. Like on Twitch, I was scared to say anything. I was scared to swear.

I was so scared to even do anything. But I'm over it now. And life's great. Life's perfect. I'm just a bit annoyed with today because my daughter, I was meant to stream today. I have a daughter, right? And she was meant to go to school. But her temperature was 38.

So the school wouldn't allow her in because of this coronavirus. So I couldn't stream today. And I'm a bit. My friend's here now looking after her. She's fine now. She's fine. Oh, great. Here she is.

Hello. Higher. Hi, uh, yes, yes. What do you want? Yes, yes. You're going to go next door. She's four, five? Three, nearly, nearly three. Oh, I tell you what, she can't speak. So if you want to come over to my house in real life and give us some lessons, that would be great. We're getting all the help she can. Trust me. She's got all the help she can get. She just can't speak. Interesting. Yeah. You know, it's a funny thing. Um, sometimes kids that are super, super smart actually don't, they learn to speak slower because they actually can communicate without speaking. Right.

They're sort of like, you know, it's interesting. Yeah, I'm with you. That's what they say. They said they should keep it all the information to herself. She's not expressing herself. So, but yeah, we're really close. And me and a mom, we split up half a year ago. And we got a 50-50.

So I take it for one week, then a mom takes for one week. I'll have it for one week. You got me. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. Sounds like she has, she's, having fun with daddy at home. Well, actually, she's addicted to this pad, and I can't get her off it.

But is it a bad thing? These pads for kids, you know, the iPads? Is it a bad thing? So I think the trickiest thing is actually the, whether it's long form or short form content. So generally speaking, we want to be careful with kids that can like essentially switch things very quickly or things that have commercials or like short video clips because that sort of reinforces a short attention span. Whereas electronics that are more long form, like if they watch like a whole episode of something, that's actually, I think, better for their

attention than, you know, things that are sort of like pop-ups and like... So as long as it's a long form, I think it's okay. But the short answer... Yeah. Yeah. I was going to make sure she don't talk to my PC. She always goes up to our PC and turns it off. Yeah. I know what you mean. Oh, short's a biscuit. I'm listening. thing, doctor. Yeah, that's fine. Take care of your kid, man. What's her name, if you don't mind me asking? It's Ellie. And what's your name? Allie. Your name is Ali? Yeah, well, my dad's Turkish, all right? So it's meant to be pronounced Ali, but I can't speak Turkish, Doc. Okay. And I won't

lie to you. I'm pretty nervous, but as the interview goes on, I'll calm down. My nerves are really high, but I'm coming down. But yeah, her name's Ellie. And a lot of people think it's cringe, but I named her off for that girl in The Last of Us, you know, Ellie? Because when I first played the lot... I haven't played it, but I need to. Oh, Doc, yeah, you should. Yeah, when I first played that game,

I was like, oh, if I ever have a kid, a girl, I wanted to be like Ellie in The Last of Us, so... Yeah, that's it. That's cool, man. But honestly, she's cute as hell. Yeah, she's amazing. She looks good. Oh, but you know this, by the way,

like, you know the anxiety, like, you do know that anxiety is depression's best friend, right? If you got anxiety, see, depression's going to be right next door to it. You know that, right? Yeah. Great. So, yeah, so it was only when my partner left me half a year ago,

and I don't want to get like telling my life story, but she left me half year ago because pretty much we weren't going anywhere in the relationship, right? When she left, I pulled up my socks. I was like, I'm going to be a dad. I'm going to start doing everything she does. And I was like, I'm going to start streaming. Because I haven't streamed in three to four years because I had this really, this trolley community.

And they scared the shit out of me. Like, they were, my community still to this day, they scared me, they say things to me, they know where I've been, I'm convinced these guys tracking my car, they got a device that track my car, they know everything about me, they know where I've been, which day, I can't hide nothing, right? Your community? Yeah, but I mean, I'm not, the more you show, the more I show to them, I'm scared, the more they might mess around me, now they don't surprise me, you know, but it's just people in

general, they like to freak me out and that would normally give me anxiety, but now I just kind of laugh of it. I brought a new car, right? Like two months ago, a Jaguar, right? And I was hiding the number plate. I didn't know the number plate. Because if you have someone's number plate, you can find out the details off the car.

How comes I went on stream the next day, and they're all spamming the number plate? How? How do they know that, Doc? You know, so that's one. I don't know, man. Yeah, people are smart. And I said to them all,

all of people in my community, they should work for the FBI because they're too smart, you know? But for the past three years, I've been scared of them. They would terrify me. But now I just smile and I go CCTV and whatever. You know, it's one of them things. What is scary about that?

Well, they know my address, right? And I'm pretty much, I've been, Doc, I've been trolled so hard. I've been trolled so hard. Now, you couldn't even, I couldn't even begin. Do you ever be able to go into detail? Sure. Okay. I've had some, okay, so the first thing is unpaid food, right? So you got your address, people want to send you unpaid food. That's, that's easy mode. I've had, I've had, I've had someone on my door opening, cracking the lock, and I'm like, what are you doing? And they're like,

oh, we got a phone call that you were locked in your bathroom. So they get, they put locksmiths to my door. I've got people come to my door with snakes, like snakes, like, oh, you ordered some snakes. I'm like, no, I did not order snakes. I've had sad things happen. I've had children come with bangs of toys, Because someone's placed an advert saying, I need toys. So these poor children bringing bags of toys to me. I won't lie to you that most people find this funny. But I've had hookers. Legit hookers sent to my address.

And they're all like, with a pimp. I've had that. And it's been terrifying, you know. And like, people like my reactions. They find it hilarious. And I, you know, I get stuff sent to you all the time. And I see the funny side, but there are some bad sides to it. But the best thing to do is I don't, I just kind of laugh at it all now.

The more that I get scared of it, the more that I'm going to plan myself and get anxious and then depressed. So I just kind of like take it. I always have my best friend. He works for me now, so he makes sure the streams always go smooth. So that's a new thing we did. You know that girl with Nita, she's got a problem with some guy stalking her. What she should do is she should get someone, pay someone to make sure that no one's going to security. Pay for security.

Every time the streams, get someone who's been outside. Think about it, right? But yeah, that matches the beginning. I could tell you a hundred things. You'd probably end up laughing. but yeah, I'm good now. Ali, what did you want to, was there something in particular that you wanted to focus on today? I'd love, you know, I'm happy to hear.

I'm more than happy to be on your, I'm more than happy to talk to you and just get. So I was told, so you said that you got permabandon in 2016. So you started streaming again? Are you streaming on a different platform or are you back on Twitch? No, I'm back on Twitch. They let me back in July of 2017. Okay. It was a year and a half, won't lie to you.

Being bound on Twitch is the worst. thing in the world. It's like a party you're not invited to and no one wants to do business with you. No stream wants to know you. Everyone won't follow you. People to see it as bad business and it was the worst year and half of my life. I had off the stream on YouTube. Oh, Doc, no one knows. I wish people could just feel the feeling of how I felt then. Oh, I wanted to kill myself. I legit got, what's it called again when you get, when you're a harm to yourself and you get restrained by the police in the hospital where you're in danger to yourself? Ryan, what's the way for it, Ryan? there's a word for it you know what's it called it section sections the day i got banned on twitch

you know i made a video i got millions like two million views on youtube but i i legit was gonna go kill myself and then i got took by the police there and then and i was put into like a hospital because i was i was like yep i've got no point of living and that was it and then it took that year and a half i just spent money i didn't stream i legit kind of streamed and i just spent and i just spent my money and then after a year and a half, Twitch, I appealed. I did, I did change, but I didn't have to change. I just had to tone it down a bit. So instead of chat, I changed too much, I lost my fan base. I lost them all. I look because I went from crazy, open book character to this riddled, anxious, boring sheep of a guy. And no one found me interesting.

Twitch for me back, but I lost my fans. It's only been recently where I'm on, I'm becoming the the old me, but without the negative. You understand? Yeah, so it sounds like you found balance. Yeah, yeah. You know, starting to be your true self and be kind of entertaining and fun to watch and at the same time, not overboard. That's right. Because back then I was a small streamer, so I was doing anything to get attention.

But then I grew up and become a big streamer, and the spotlight was on me, and I was still would say and do anything for attention. So I would call all the shoutcasters names all the time. I'm talking horrible names, like all the women. And I'm not proud of it like, whore and stuff. Why do you think you would do anything for attention? Oh, I already, I knew this was coming because you've got to start asking me why. I'm the biggest attention secret in the world, Doc, and I can explain why. I've already asked myself these questions.

Okay. When I was, my daughter is a mute, right? She can't speak. She don't talk, right? I was the exact same as a child. I was so from the ages of zero to 10 of primary school, which is your like, you Americans call it different. What do you call primary school? So from zero to ten.

Elementary. Elementary. Right. Your elementary school. I had no friends. I was bullied. My mom was sleeping around with other guys and I didn't have, my dad was never there. He still isn't really there.

He smokes a lot of marijuana, right? So as a kid, I had seven sisters, no brothers. And my mom never knew how to interact with me, right? because she only knew girls, right? So when I were growing up, I couldn't talk to anyone. When I went to school, we were moving from school to school because my mom was trying to get with a right guy, right, to provide. And I had no friends in school, and I was so quiet, I got picked on.

I got picked on a lot, right? When I was 11 and I moved into the secondary school, which you would call high school, I was so smart. I thought to myself, okay, new school, no one knows me. I'm just going to pretend. I'm this really loud guy because it that that's the guy I want to be. So that change. I remember exactly where I was.

I was on my bed thinking of the day before the school started. I wanted to be this guy. So secretary school started the first day and all these kids don't know me and we're in class. And the teacher was like, okay, guys, I'm going to teach. And I was like, fuck you, miss. And everyone laughed. And I laughed. And I was like, huh, this is great.

This attention. Wow. And the teacher didn't get outside now. Everyone love, I felt amazed. I was like, yeah, like that feeling, like that. And I love the attention. And still to this day, I like the attention. And it's like, that's why, you know, I'll be honest of you. I say and do a lot of stuff for attention because I'm trying to catch up on the 10 years that I missed. And that's it, Doc. So that's not like that. Yeah, yeah. So do you think you're going to catch up? Oh, good question Oh, God. I don't know. I'm not thinking about it too much, but I don't know, you know, good question.

Am I going to catch up? I don't know, Doc. We have to see. Yeah, I mean. Yes, I'm getting interviewed, so you are. I'm listening. That's, yeah. It looks like she wants some attention from dad.

Yeah. There's been, yeah, she's a daddy's girl. There's been some trouble with, oh, no, don't pass that button. That's the off part. Definitely don't press that. Go on. Yeah, no, there's been. She's going for it.

Yeah, no, I'll make sure she doesn't. Yeah, no, there's been some, she's more of a daddy's girl than mom, but it's, there's trouble with, I got pretty much, I don't want to get too much detail because it's a bit private, but I had, I was reported to the social services. Do you have that in America? Yeah. Right, great. So someone, I don't know who reported me to the social services and I was a toxic, abusive dad, you know, and they got to take all the report seriously. And they've been involved for the past half a year. And she gives me, she, she's such a daddy's girl. And her, her mom, they've, it's, it's not a she don't treat her mom the same way. So they're looking at her like she's a villain. Do you

understand? They're looking at her, your, her mom, her mom is a villain? Yeah, because she, she's so daddy's girl. If I was to go to her school, she's ecstatic when she sees me, when she sees her mom, she's like, oh, it's mom. But the social services are like, oh, is there something going on here? You're like, why is she so different? And they're telling me she can't express herself. So it's all up in the air right now. And they're really trying to make her speak because she can't speak right now.

So if something is going on, we don't know. Do you know? So I'm in a bit of a even right. She just came down the other day. There's another meeting next Tuesday tomorrow. So it's all interesting when it's all just dry. Oh, my gosh. How do you handle that, Allie?

What do you mean? Well, I can't worry about it too much because I've got a life to live. I've got to provide. I've got a stream. So I could spend all, because my ex-partner, she's been dating this guy for seven months. And he's, I'm sorry to say, he's not a nice guy. He at all, right? And I'm not trying to say, you know, when I want her to get him a nice guy.

But, I mean, the first conversation I got of this guy was him saying that it was going to, you know, set my car and put me in it. Like, he's nuts. but she likes him and I'm happy for him to like him. But I can't live my life worrying when she's with her mom. I can't live my life like that. Because let me tell you something. Smoking's bad for you, eating unhealthy food's bad for you. But let me tell what's really bad for you.

Worry. And you can legit worry yourself to death. You know that, Doc? Yeah. Right. So pretty much, why worry? I look after her when she's with me, when she's with a mom. I try my best not to worry.

Yeah. How do you do that, though? well, I just think to myself, I'm even going to spend the rest of my life until she's 18 worrying, or I just got to get on with it and be happy and get on with the work so I can provide for her. So, Alan, so I was under the impression you had wanted to talk about sort of moving on. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Can you tell me a little bit about that? Okay, so I've been on a lot off with this girl for 10 years.

and then about seven months ago she wanted to she just met this guy oh she met this guy and she's with him now and I hated her for for like four to five months and I couldn't message her and you know the school was like you got to try and make things right and be friendly to her I couldn't find in me I was just so toxic to what I just hated how she just left me and now I only see my daughter half time but about two months ago something happened I woke up one day and there was no hate there was nothing

it was just civil and I was like oh and that's when you know you're over someone isn't it because you don't hate them and you don't love them you don't miss them or hate them there's nothing

it's just oh oh okay so now we're cool we're fine and I'm happy for her to be with any guy and that's it so I've been happy for the past couple of months

I got like I bought her a PC for £3,000 when she left she was trying to take the PC I was like, hold up. We're not married. I was like, if you want that PC, it's going to cost you £1,300, right? And that was a great price. And then she didn't want it. I said, okay. But then we made up. And I was like, you know what? Take it for £800, which is an amazing price.

If you sort of specs of this thing. And I don't mind giving her, like, I just want it gone. I just want her to have it. Or I'm trying to do her favours because that's when you know over someone. You don't hold grudges, you know, so I could promise you, I'm over this scale. but it is the mother of my child so I'm always going to have a connection with her I'm always going to love I'm always going to I'm really weird every girl I've ever been with I wish them all well I want them to do well you know I don't hate any of them I don't hate anybody because hate for me hate it's like when you hate someone it's like why when you hate someone it's like a pressure you got to look over your shoulders for all your life you know so yeah

but it took time it took time it took about five six months of getting there, but it got there in the end. And I'm, there's nothing now. I'm just, I'm happy with her. So, I mean, it sounds like you sort of sorted that out. Yeah. I was not, I don't know what happened. I just said to Ryan, who's my best friend.

I said, I just woke up one day and there was no hate. And that's when you know you're over so. There was nothing. I couldn't, I thought, I had to think to myself. When was the last month about that girl? Oh, three days ago. Do you know? How does that work?

What time heals everything. You know? Or am I wrong? I don't know, man. Yes. I think it's, that kind of depends on what you say, right? I mean, I think it's quite remarkable that, you know, you were filled with so much hate and then one day you wake up and it's gone. I just let, I, exactly, exactly.

I don't know what happened, Doc. Yeah, so it sort of makes sense. I think I can understand why you would make up for lost time in terms of not speaking because it seems like, sometimes you wake up and your feelings just sort of sort themselves out. Right. Interesting. Time. Yeah.

Well, everybody, everyone's different, right? So when it comes to me getting over that girl, I've just, it might be different for someone else, but that's how I got over it. Time. Hmm. Well, is that the wrong answer? Because you're looking at me like. No, no, it's not the wrong answer. I, I, I don't have the right answers.

I'm just curious because, you know, a lot of times. When we talked... I've got to say something. Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead. When I got banned on Twitch at 2016, because I've always had breakdowns, I'd always be emotional. I'm either, I'm ecstatically emotional.

So I went and got, I went and saw a psychiatrist. And then I went and saw a psychiatrist. And within two hours of diagnosing me, which was obviously private, it cost me 250 pounds an hour, which is like 320 bucks an hour. In that two hour period, She diagnosed me of bipolar, right? So there's that. And my nan was also bipolar.

And pretty much, let me say this, they put me on mood stabilizers, right? Calm the mood. So I'd have taken before I slept. But then they were like, okay, after you take the mood stabilizers, we've got to put you on something called lithium, right? So I was like, okay, no, like lithium, you've got to take for the rest of your life. Okay? I was like, okay, sure, let's do this. So they write me a, they got the right prescription to be to hand in to the, to the, um,

beyond a till to get this lithium. So I take it there and they turn around and go, oh, the doctors forgot to sign it. You have to go take it back. And I know at that point and I don't want to sound, I don't want to sound like superstitious or anything like that. I'm not Christian. But I believe there was a force out there in life where that wasn't meant to be. Do you understand what I'm trying to say doc? So I didn't, after I didn't sign it, I was like, no, no, this is happening for a reason.

I'm not, I'm not meant to be on this lithium. Because that drug is like, that, from what I've been told, that drug is a strong drug that is like, don't touch that button. And that drug is like dangerous. And you've got to be on it for life,

and it'll calm you right down. I think they'll give it like people, what they'll consider what crazy. I know people get offended by that word crazy. But that lithium drug, you should know, it's like, don't mix of that.

That's some dangerous stuff, you know? Yeah, can be. Right. So I want to let you know. I was watching Red Falls. You did interview of Redford. He's bipolar, two. Not, I'm not saying two as in, oh, he's bipolar too.

I'm saying bipolar two. Type two. Right, type two bipolar, right? I'm not type two. But I get days, Doc, where I'm like, oh, no, Matt, my viewers make fun of me. Oh, you're bipolar, you're bipolar. And then I'm like, guys, guys, I'm not. I'm not.

And the next time I'm going, bloody, I am, I am. And then on stream, and I'm happy, I'm wonderful, everything's great. And the next minute, they beat me with the donations. They roast me. That's what my streams are. me getting roasted pretty much. And then I get so sad and so down. And it's just like the moods are like this, you know, so I every day it goes bump thinking, okay, I think I am here. I think I am. But, you know, everyone's different in your own ways. What can I say? So, Ali, you know, just a couple of

thoughts. One is, does your mood fluctuate like rapidly throughout days? Or are we talking like you'll be? Okay, literally, it's very rare. I get depressed, by the way, because I don't have a bad diet. It's very rare. I get depressed. I can't remember the last time I was depressed. depressed. I can't remember. I don't think there's been a day. I mean, my life's been going on. I won't lie to you. The past, since July, where I started streaming again, my life's been perfect, legit perfect. And we're moving house. We're buying our first house. And we bought my dream car because of my viewers. And it's like, there's nothing else really that I want our life. I'm single. I'm going to stay single, by the way, forever. I mean that. I don't think I'm ever going

to get married. And I know we're going off into a different conversation. But I mean, I'm so happy and content. I don't, relationships hurt, you know, but I know it's, this show's about moving on, but I'm getting to a point where relationships, I feel like we're changing, Doc, and we can talk about that in a minute if you want, but as for my moods, do my moods fluctuate a lot? I'm, I'm, I don't know. You'd have to watch my vods.

I don't know. I've never really thought about it. Okay. Yeah. Tell me, you mentioned something about, so it sounds like you've gotten things figured out, Alex. Right, right, right. So when you were asked me on the show, I was like, okay, I'm in good form.

I'm not like, ethics, like, ethic of life is perfect. So when you were like, we're talking about getting over relationships, I'm like, okay, I'm over with a relationship. Yeah, so tell me what, so now that you have things figured out, you said you don't want to get married. No, nothing. Okay, right. Now, just hear me here because some people might be watching are old-fashioned. Let me just hear me out and don't laugh because this is where it's 60 years ago, 70 years ago, right? If you were to want to sleep with someone, you had to marry him, right?

Okay. And then times changed. And then in order to sleep with someone, you had to be with them. Now, this down age, no one cares. Everybody seems to anybody and no one gives a shit, right? You got all these rappers bragging about in their songs, the men and the women. And I feel like we're in a generation now where people are doing open relationships. People are just happy being free all the time.

No one has the time for relationships. And the past half year, I've been dating women. but I never get with them, and I tell them that from the start, and we just enjoy our moments together. You know, I think relationships, and this is just my opinion, and I don't want anyone to get offended, right? I think relationships are dying out. I just think people aren't doing relationships until, because people don't have the time for it. You can still spend time with someone to have a good time. Don't need to label it.

You know, I just don't feel an answer, marriage, marriage, wow. I just think that's so old-fashioned. I don't think I'm ever going to get married, Doc. I just thought, you know, because when you're free and there's no label on it, it's lovely. You know, there's scientists say that us human beings aren't born to be with each other forever. Only dolphins are. Is that a true fact or am I reading fake news? You never read it.

Yeah, I mean, I think human beings have been oftentimes monogamous in the history of humanity. And I think that, so that means that people have been and committed one-on-one relationships for a lot of humanity. And I don't tend to think that like human beings are one way. So I think that we have tendencies to be in, you know, relationships that are more open. And we have tendencies to be in relationships that are more committed. And I don't think like humanity, I think either side that says, oh, science says that open relationships are bad or science says that committed relationships are bad. I think neither of those people really understand science. Because it's like we're complex human, we're complex organisms.

That's been my understanding. And I think if it works for you, I think that's fine. I think, you know, like you said, so it sounds like there are a lot of work and that you tend to find a lot of enjoyment out of kind of more temporary relationships. Right. And so marriage sounds like headache and bondage. Every, the thing is, Doc, every time, you got to remember this, you're smart, I'm dumb, right?

Simple as that. So when you're talking words to me, I like how you're talking to me. You've got to get to my level because otherwise I'm not going to understand you, right? I know you're very extremely smart. I got you. But let me say this. And I'm going to be honest. Every time, you know, I'm very open book.

Every time I get, and I don't mean to brag, I've been with 22 women, 23 women, right, in my life, right, when it comes to sleeping with the whole way. That's not including other foreplay, okay? All these women that I've been with, I can promise you. And I'm not bragging. Every woman I get with, they always try and get me in the relationship with them. Right. And most of my relationships, I've landed in the relationship without even want to be there. You know, you know how it can be.

If you're a nice guy, one of these women or guys, you know, they get if you're, and next thing you know it, you're in a relationship. You're moving in together. Now let's talk about marriage. And you didn't have consent to it. It just kind of fell into place. And I always fall for that trap. It's happened all my life. I'm 28.

It's happened all my life. So now I'm like, no, no, no, I need to start being more. You've got to be cruel to be kind, Doc. You know that. You know that. What does that mean? You've got to be cool to be kind. You've got to be cruel to be kind.

Cruel to be kind. Okay, okay. So if you're always nice, if there's a girl that you like and she likes you when you make out, that's fantastic. If you have consented sex with each other, fantastic. But she might get the incentive that you want to be with her and you've got to tell her from the get-go, actually, this isn't. You've got to hurt her a bit to let her know where she stands. If you don't tell her that, hey, this is only, you know, us dating temporary, she's going to get led on and she's going to get hurt.

Way worse rather than telling her now. Yeah, of course. So best to be cruel to be kind early, you understand. Is that even cruel? No, no, it's not. But it's just a saying. It sounded cool. I said it.

No, I mean, I think it makes sense that, you know, it sounds to me that being sort of honest and transparent about what your intentions are towards a relationship. is absolutely a good thing. Either as soon as you make it out, as soon as you get to know each other, put it out on the table. That's my advice to your viewers. If you want to get with a girl or a guy, just let them know where you stand straight away. Don't get yourself, don't go blindly. Because if you do, you're going to be ended up in a relationship.

Can I explain this, my daughter? Do you want to know how that happened? Right. Sure. Three years ago, I was with this Spanish woman. I got bad on Twitch. I went to Spain. I had a Spanish girlfriend.

which I didn't want to be with, but we landed in the relationship like we're talking about. We finally broke up and it was kind of messy. I then had an Italian girlfriend who, funny enough, I made up with last night. I had, so we dated, and that ended terrible because drama. And then straight after, I got with the mother of, mother of my child, right? So we hooked up on a couple of occasions just for, just for sex. And she was, you know, the truth is she didn't plan on getting pregnant. She didn't know she can get pregnant because she would,

She was convinced she couldn't get pregnant. And then we were friends and she was looking for accommodation. So she stayed with me because I was being nice, because I'm a nice guy. And then the first day I moved into this house, doc, I'm cleaning my car. I'm looking up. I talked to my neighbours. I looked up. I said, thank you, God.

I've got my Supra, which is my sports car. I looked up and I went, thank you God. Nothing can ruin this moment. I turned around, I open the door and she went, I'm pregnant while holding a pregnancy stick. So I said, yeah, yeah. And I said, fuck you. And she was like shocked like this. And I went, no, no, seriously, fuck you.

Because I don't really believe in abortion, right? So I was so upset. I cried. I never cried. I went to my mom. I said, mom, I don't want this. I can't be a dad. I'm terrible.

And my mom really loved her. So my mom was like encouraging it. Which is another note to all the viewers out there. Don't, don't force yourself to stay with someone if you don't want to be with them. It's not right. Right? You connect because you're going to, you're wasting your time and you're wasting their time.

And that's what I learned with my ex. Allie, your camera's just a touch blurry. I'm sorry. Yeah. So, I want to kind of dig into one thing maybe. So you said that you land into relationships.

And then you also said that one day you kind of wake up and then there was like no more hatred. So I'm kind of noticing that like sometimes they're just the language that you use almost makes it sound like, you know, things sort of happen outside of your intentions or control. Sorry, I'll ask me the question one more time. It wasn't, sorry, I should have been clear. It wasn't, there wasn't even a question there.

I'm just making an observation that sometimes the way that you talk about things, you sort of say, like, you know, you wind up in a relationship. Yep, that's correct. And it's, you make it sound like the weather, you know? Right. And also, like, when it comes to your mood, you kind of mentioned that, you know, one day you woke up and your hatred was gone. And that too, it sort of sounds like a roll of the dice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm just, I'm just wondering whether there's some value into digging into like, how do things happen in your life and like what role do you play in them? Because it's kind of interesting, right? Because if people could learn what happened to you. Right. So my life's, I've always just got into life blindly. If it's never had no structure, it's only been recently where I'm like,

Like, okay, I'm going to stream every day, right? I'm going to have my best friend look out for me, and he's going to help me. And we're just going to focus on no relationships, going out and having a good time every couple of weekends, right? We can't do every weekend because I've got my daughter on the weekends, on the week where I have her. And right now, it's just full focus, Twitch all in with our chips, Twitch TV, right? So for the first thought in my life, because I'm now 28, I've just realized to have structure. But before the past 28 years, I've just been doing.

life blindly. And I've been, that's why I've been so with relationships jumping in and out, in and out, there's been drama, there's been hatred. But for the first, so you need, you definitely need in your life like a plan, like a routine or an idea of where you want your life to go. What do you want? Start planning now. Where do you want to be in a couple of years time? Yeah. So, so can you tell me how do you, how did you wind up in a relationship? The last one. Any of. Okay. So we, she obviously was pregnant and she was with, with her. And there were all talks of abortion. And even though we were both against it, and anyone watching could say

they're against abortion, but the second that you are in that predicament where you have someone pregnant, you, you start thinking maybe I'm not so much against it. Do you understand, Doc? Sure. Do you understand? Because it's different when you're in that position. Of course. It's easy to say as an outsider. Easy to judge from the outside. Right. Exactly. So there will talks about it and believe it or not this the day that and we this is going to sound horrible but the day that it was like a couple of months into it of because it takes months here in the UK all the sorry it sound rude but the abortion clinic here in the UK is like a month waiting period because I guess people just love unprotected sex right so we were lined up to do that which sounds horrible

but she's here now but back then she wasn't existed we didn't know of her so I don't want people watching thinking, oh, that's horrible. She's right there. She wasn't even around. It was nothing. It wasn't a, you know, so the day that it was meant to happen, tell me why, Doc, the alarm didn't go off. I don't know why. Don't ask me why. You know, she was meant to set the alarm. It never went off, right? So pretty much I got up. I was upset. Like, oh my God, are you crazy? We can't be adults. You know, I'm a childish idiot and I'm not ready for this. So she starts crying. And I thought, and I was so nice. Like, shit, I can't put this stress on her. Because if you stress out a woman who's pregnant, you can ruin their body.

You know that, right? You can ruin a body where they can't even have, because of the stress of. So I gave her a hug. I said, it's fine. Don't worry about it. We have to reschedule. But I never did reschedule. We never did reschedule.

Next thing, you know it? She's got a bump and it's growing. And I just put it off. I was like, you know what? You know this? Because Twitch were unbanned me at the same time. And Twitch were like, look, we weren't to give a really clean profile. I was like, no problem.

I can't have a really clean profile. the structure. So next thing you know, she's, you know, she's, I became overweight, by the way. That's another thing. I came really overweight. And my fans hated me. Like, they made fun of me. And I'm with the overweight and all that bad food. Because when my, when my girlfriend was pregnant, that women have cravings. They crave a lot of food. I was eating the craving food as well. Like the fast food, the McDonald's, the KFCs. And then pretty much, next to you know it, she gave birth, fantastic. That was great. And then in that year period of, my daughter being born being alive i was i forced myself to stay in that relationship to do the right

thing i got to be a parent i got to step up i got to stand this relationship now this is my life and in that year doc was the worst year of my life i love my daughter but forced myself the stay of that woman when i didn't want to be in a relationship it wasn't toxic i just it was so hard um and then because i didn't want to be with the woman i wanted to be free i always like being free and a lot of these, and I'm not trying to, I'm not at all sexist at all, but a lot of the women I get with, they see my freedom and they want to just take me and shove me in a cage and hold me there. There's a people, people have this thing of where they control other people, and I hate being controlled. I get so angry. I mean, I was just dating a woman last month from Wales,

and she was 38, 10 years on me. And she, we, I know for a week, Doc, one week. And she started saying, where are you? Where are you going? Why are you out? Who are you with? And I just said, back up, man back up i'm not doing this because i just hate people that control of people is that like an insecurity thing i just don't like people that control of people and i've been controlled all my life but yeah you control you in your life man every girl i've ever got with man i i can't there's only been one girl that i've ever wanted to be with and that was my ex-girlfriend in 2014 to 15 which ended up cheating on me which i deserved it because i was so naive doc i could tell you stories and blow your mind, but I've been, I've gone through everything, but you know what? I only blame myself.

I was so naive. I used to invite all these guys around, all my fans, right? And she had real depression. I'm not talking, everyone has, everyone watching my depression. We've all suffered from depression. But you don't know depression until you meets on who's severely depressed, where every day is a mission. Every day they're crying. Every day, they have to take the antidepressants. Ali, can I ask you one or two questions? Go ahead. So I'm kind of curious about, no, I love your stories, man. I love listening to you talk.

You're a really good storyteller. Right. But all my fans think they're fake, but they're not fake. I swear to you, go on. No, I don't think they're fake, man. Thank God, thank God. So, you know, it's interesting because you kind of talk, it's almost like fate, right? So, like, you're talking about these things like, you know, the morning that you were scheduled,

the alarm got unplugged, like, during the, what? When you got prescribed the lithium somewhat. And so I'm just, I'm kind of noticing that it, I can't tell, Ali, whether you're in control of your life. And right. Doc, I'm convinced. I'm convinced. And I don't want to sound crazy or like insane. But I'm convinced that there's, it's a stimulation like the matrix.

Now I'm the only real person here. And I'm being watched by eight billion trillion aliens in my brain. And I'm just a puppet. And they're just, everyone around me is not real. That's what I'm convinced. Do you understand what I mean by that? Like, how do I know that you're real? How don't know the she's real? It could all be a simulation because everything is just happening for a reason, right? So I don't want to sound nuts, but you must understand where I'm coming from, right?

Because everything's happened for a reason. And I believe this. And I said this to Ryan. I'm so glad my Twitch career has been dead for the past three years because I didn't want her mother of my child to be involved in it because I feel like it wasn't meant to be. It's only started taking off the past couple of months, Doc. I'm going to be honest of you. Yeah, so how does When you say fate, you scare the hell out of me

because I used to play League of Legends and there was a character called twisted fate and I don't want to sound cringy, but he's like a card master who believes in fate. It's just weird that he's the word fate. It is like fate. My life is like fate. Epic has happened for a reason. You're scaring me, Doc. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so, I mean, what's up with that? Don't ask me, I don't, I don't...

Let me tell you this right now. There's nothing in my life I would change. Right now, at this moment, there's nothing. Zero. Life's perfect. My best friend and me are working together. My daughter and me have got the closest relationship. All the streamers like me. I mean, my viewers, they make the content. All I got to do is turn up and cook. So who's responsible for that, Allie? Everything in your life is going well. Right. So no, should I tell you what it is? Positiveity. If you're in life, if you're a positive person, everybody's positive. Let me give you an example. If you turned up to a car dealer,

leadership, right, and you want to buy a car, if you turn up all being negative, they're not going to want to do business with you. If you're all right, I'm going to do this, they might give you that load on that car because they believe in your positivity. If you go around all being negative, no one wants to be your friend, no one to do business, no one's to get to know you. You've got to be positive to have positivity in your life. And honest to God, I'm always smiling. I swear to you, honest to God. And yeah, that sounds powerful. Right. But let me to you this though, Doc. Should I tell you why? Diet. You don't understand.

Doc, I don't want to sound like a crazy person. But my God, the government should ban white pasta, white rice, white bread. It should all be permanently bad. And I don't want to my dad's Turkish. I'm not. But red meat. Red meat should be banned. It's so unhealthy for you. It makes you feel terrible next day. It's just as bad as alcohol.

My dad's, I'm not religious. But I've been fat and I've been thin. And I'm telling you now, diet is effing. I've experimented it is 100 times. If I was to eat a bowl of rice tonight and then wake up tomorrow, I'd feel drained, I feel depressed, legit, I feel my brain. And so what is horrible? What do you eat?

I eat chicken. Like not, I like fried chicken, but just cooked chicken with seeds, walnuts, almonds, salad, spinach, spinach, eggs. All the time, I prefer a salad, anytime, all the time. and I feel so strong when I eat it and it makes me feel so. Give it a try. Flush out your system. Don't eat anything bad for 24 hours.

I only eat healthy and you'd feel so good. But you've got to eat some fats as well because fats are designed to make you feel good. But not too much fats. Yeah. Avocado. Or if you want to eat chocolate, have a bitter chocolate at the end of the day, reward yourself. Or have a couple of sugars in your tea. But that's the truth.

It's all about diet. People ask me a lot. If you look at my Instagram, I did a transformation. I was, if you go back, my face looked like a bumblebee. Like I was stung by a bumblebee three years ago. Because I was 14 stone. I'm now 10, 8. I know you don't do stone.

You do kilograms, but you can Google it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. So pretty much. How tall? One stone is like 20 pounds? 14 pounds is a stone. Okay.

So we can. You were 20 stone? No, 14 stone. 14 stone. Okay. Right. So now 10 stone eight. So 10 stone, eight pounds.

One stone is, yeah. So pretty much, either way, I've always got energy. People think I'm on cocaine all the time. I've never done drugs. I've only smoked marijuana twice, and that was in California, Twitchcon last year. And pretty much, I'll tell all your views right now, if you're fighting depression or anxiety,

number one rule I'd say to you is look at your diet and tell me that isn't your diet doing that to you. Give it a day where you don't eat bread or pasta or all rice. Give it to try and just eat the right foods. And chicken is amazing. Fish, amazing. But yeah, that's the one thing I'd say. So back to the question, who's doing all this to you?

First was me, and it's my diet. And everything else, I don't get angry ever. I've never, if something back, my daughter spilled porridge all over me. I just kind of laughed and wiped it off. Here's a funny story. Last week I had a white car, right? It was my exes, but I bought it for her. I gave it to the dealership and they were like, hey, we're going to offer you 16,100

pounds for this. I said, sure, I'd take it. because I saw it to him. And then the next day, the evaluation of the car went up at 17,000 pounds. But did I get angry? Did I get upset? I laughed and said, ha-ha, that's funny. That's just life.

And it carried on. Normally, if I had a bad diet, I'd be upset. I'd be crying. I'd be like, oh, my God, I lost 900 pounds. You know, so you go to. I never get angry over anything anymore. You know, some people are really funny. When was the last time you were angry?

Oh. Ryan, when was the last time I was angry, Ryan? in? He doesn't know. Where's that far as angry? Oh, oh, wouldn't that girl try controlling me a few weeks ago in Wales? Yeah. So I met this girl on a Saturday. I met this go on a Friday. We got together. She's, you know, she's the third year. I think your daughter wants a cookie.

Oh, she wants another cookie. Okay. Okay. I know how to talk about diet, but you know, she's got a high metabolism. And the teeth can fall out anyway. So let's rock, let's rock on right. She likes the Oreos. There you go. There you go. Yeah, so pretty much the last time I was angry, Doc, was pretty much, yeah, about two months ago. Oh, no, for three, four weeks, about four weeks ago. I met this girl on a Friday. We had a great time. I went out, met her on Saturday.

It was an amazing time. On the Sunday, she went and saw her kids, and she started messaging me higher, who are you with? I went, I'm with business people. Who were they? I said, I just met them. Can you send me a video of them, please? No, I can't do that. So I went to the toilet to send her a voice note.

Why are you in the toilets for? Why are you hiding something from me? I got so angry, Doc, because she's trying to control me. I've only known this girl for a few nights, and she was, oh, I got so angry because I just hate, I have a vendetta against people that control other people.

Oh, Doc, it's one thing that I, I'm so angry. I just, because I'm free. I'm free. I'm like a bird. I'm free. I'm soaring. And seeing all these other caged birds

or people caging them birds, that angers me. I don't like, seeing men control women. I don't know I see women control men. I just think, guys, every time I go out for a night out, and I go out a lot, Doc, that's how I stay happy because I socialize a lot. It's another, we're animals. Us humans, we're animals, we need to socialize. You understand? Yeah. Right. I know that COVID's going on. It's tricky. I understand that, but there are ways to talk to people. So when I go out, and you can ask my best friend, Ryan, when we go out,

every time we see married people or couples, they both sit there on their phones like this. sitting down like that. They don't have conversation. And I'm thinking, look how miserable these people are. And they're together. And you know that they're coming together. They're trying to be a little fan. And that's fantastic.

I'm sure they're happy. But to me, I'm thinking, I've been in relationships. I'm 28. I know these people want more, but they do. You know what they do? They get into this. They stuck in a rut. You understand?

Yeah. So when was, so you said that you've got a vendetta against people trying to control you. Control people. And when did that vendetta start? My first girlfriend that took my virginity. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But every girl I get with, Doc, they try and control me like that. Honestly, I swear to you, I am not joking. I'm not meming. I swear, every girl I get with, I don't want to brag. Every girl I get with. Okay, put it like this. Are you ready for this, Doc? There's a girl.

I was just with a girl. On last weekend, last weekend on the Sunday, I was with this girl, she's married for five years. We've been on two dates. And she was contemplating. She even told me there and then she would happily leave a husband and start with me. Because every time meet a girl, I'm so, oh, I just, I've got, I hide nothing. I've got no walls. And every time they want to get to know me more, they want to lock me down.

and I get scared off. Why do you think they want to lock you down so much? Because I don't want to brag. I know because I don't want to brag, but I've got nothing to hide. And women love a guy that doesn't bullshit. I don't, I don't lie to anybody.

I'm very open book. And women could see right through me, they see, okay, he's got something good ground for himself. Let me get some of that. That's the truth. But in this business that I'm in, Twitch, me, as a whole,

I can't afford to get with any woman. I can't settle down. I can't do it because my life gets insanely boring. Simple as that. The peak of my viewers, they love me. 90% of my viewers, Doc, 9% of my viewers have work, have school. They live in other countries. They haven't got any money.

They've got social anxiety. And they watch me. And I have to live my life and tell them the stories and they get a feel for it. That's the truth, Doc. I want my viewers to live through me. That's it. Ali, can I think for a second? Anything you want.

Thank you. Ali, is there something I can help you with? As I said to you, my life's perfect. I thought we were going to talk about moving on in relationships, which... Sounds like you've moved on. Yeah. Life's good. Like, what can I say?

I think I've got... I'm a lot to you. I've nailed life. And that's it. All I want to do is stream every day. I mean it. Yeah. You sound very happy.

I am. And you can't... You would see through me if I was faking it, right? You would see right through me. You would know if I'm lying to you right now, right? Baby. You could get a sense of people. Right, okay.

Yeah. One of the says, I'm not lying. I'm not trying to say, you know, I don't have any issues. I've been through a lot, but right now I don't even like to think about it. I can talk about it. Yeah. Honestly, yeah. Yeah, so, Allie, can I, can I share what I am getting from you?

Go ahead. I'm always... So I think, I mean, you do sound very genuinely happy. I think you, you know, you've sort of figured out what you want and, you know, you're kind of living life. And I think you're making the most of life. I think you kind of roll with the punches. Right. That's it. Perfect. And so I really see that. I think I'm a little bit, you know, I think there's something to be said of sort of the fate, right?

So I don't know exactly how to understand that. But I do think it's kind of interesting because, you know, honestly, Allie, and let me know, I don't mean to offend you or anything. What you remind me of is a B. I can't get a friend. I can't get offended. You can't find me. I'm the most unoffendable person you can offend. You could call me anything you want.

Go ahead. No. So you kind of remind me of a B. Like a B, like a wasp slash B? Yeah, yeah, yeah, like a B. Like you're kind of like moving from flower to flower. Right. Right.

And like if you think about the. Yeah. Like, if you think about it. about the existence of a bee. It's like, it's kind of like happy go lucky and it's sort of like you're kind of going over here today. Like we're on this flower. We're going to appreciate all of its beauty. We're going to just, you know, do what we're doing today. And then you kind of flit to the next flower. You kind of flit to the next flower. Now, I'm hearing, I'm hearing notes of of you really trying to structure your life and trying to actually like be dedicated to something,

which is very not be like. You know, then it's, it's more like you're, you're kind of like really kind of focused on building something. You're dedicated to streaming, streaming every day. you're dedicated to building structure for your daughter. You have her one week on, one week off. So you're not, you know, in a sense, I think a bee is a little bit unfair. But I kind of see both of these sides of you. One is like, you know, live for today, be with the person that you're with, enjoy yourself on any given day, be with the woman that you're with.

And then, you know, sometimes you feel very, very concerned about getting caged. And it seems like there's something indescribably attractive to, to, to, to, women about you because once they get a taste of Ali, they can't, they need a little bit more. Like, Doc, people are going to say, people are going to say cap all the time. But Doc, you've got to see it in person. You've got to see it in person. You've got to see it in person. I don't think so, man. I believe you, dude. I think that there's, you know, I think you're a very charismatic, positive sort of guy. Right. Right. The thing that I sometimes wonder a little bit about is that, you know, you're talking about feeling perfect in the here and now, and that makes

sense. I think you're genuinely very happy. But what I'm also getting the sense of is that, that, you know, that there can be sunny days and there can be cloudy days. Right. Right. And that like everything is fine until you feel controlled or until and then something will really upset you.

Or, you know, even if you kind of talk a little bit about like the story of how you discovered that you're, you know, that I don't even know what to call her. your ex-girlfriend or was pregnant. And so, you know, there are a lot of ups and downs. And so I think, and a lot of times people will call this bipolar. I'm not, I don't really know. I mean, I'd have to ask you a bunch of questions. I'm not so sure that you're bipolar.

But because it seems to me that you're, so just a quick, take a step back and here's my understanding of bipolar. A lot of people think about bipolar as, um, you know, like you're like you have a good day and then you have a bad day and you're happy one minute and you're really angry the next minute. That's not really bipolar. That's what we call emotional liability, which means that your emotions can rise and fall very quickly. Right. Bipolar disorder, what I really think of is episodes that last days, weeks, or even months at a time of being depressed or manic or hypomanic. And so the closest. thing that I can kind of get to is that, you know, you know, it's possible that you had that mood episode for four to five months after your ex-girlfriend kind of broke up with you or whatever, like six, seven months ago. And they said, you one day you woke up and you just felt better. That actually is the thing that makes me think the most about any, I mean, but that just could be,

you know, it doesn't have to be an illness or anything. It's just, you know, you had a bad situation where it sounds like your ex-girlfriend cheated on you and you were breathing and I'm happy and it sounds like an appropriate sadness to me. I'm not going to hear this from you. I don't want to hold that fault. It's going to sound crazy. And I say this to all the time. But I really do believe I've never done cocaine.

I've only smoked marijuana twice in California. I'm not a drunk. I like to get drunk. I don't, I have a cup of stashed with alcohol. I don't touch it. I'm not craving it. I never have, never will. But the thing is, I really do think.

I've got a healthy diet, and I think, and I don't want to make, people who are think I've got the biggest ego, but I think I'm an example of the perfect human being. And when people see me all happy, they think, oh, you're bipolar, because you're way too happy, or you're way too loud, or you're way too confident, you're bipolar. I don't think I am. I think I'm an example of a perfect human being, which people think, oh, look at this guy, he's got a huge ego. He must be bipolar.

So people just can't understand me because I'm, I don't drug my body. I don't, I look after, I work out. And I just want a shed out of you. I really do believe to myself. I'm an example of what everyone should be, like a healthy-minded, positive thinking person. And that's just what I feel. So I also don't think I'm bipolar. Even after you're telling me, what you think they seem to survive bipolar are for sure.

I don't know if you're bipolar or not. I was definitely, definitely, I was definitely, looking, I came in, I got banned on Twitch, I went into that psychiatrist, angry, looking for any answer. Why am I like this? Why am I? And she diagnosed me within two hours, which is way too short for a diagnosis, in my opinion. And on top of that, do you know what they did to my driver's license? They made it from like a 20 year license to like a one year license.

We have to renew every year. So I go back to the doctors and I'm like, take that bipolar off my record right now. And they're like, we can't do that, sir. It's like cancer. Once it's on the record, it's on there for life. I was like, oh, we'll take it off because I don't want my driver's license revoked every year. So they've now made it a free year license. So every three years, I've got to get tested to make sure I'm fit enough to drive.

Ali, let me just be very clear. I'm not removing bipolar from your chart because I don't really know if you're bipolar or not. All I'm saying is that so far, I think a lot of times people confuse something called emotional libility with bipolar disorder. Right. And bipolar disorder is a period, is you really characterized by weeks or months of feeling a particular mood level. Yeah. And then you switch for once again weeks to months.

I see. What I'm hearing from you is that, and I get what you're saying about, you know, being a perfect human being. But what I'm hearing from you is that you're a perfect human, you're a perfect human being some of the time. Right. Did I say that? No, but that's what I'm guessing. Well, in the past few months with my streaming and all that, everything's fantastic. Like, I've got everything that I want in life, so I'm always high.

You understand? Yeah. So what happens when you don't have something that you have in life? Like my Twitch channel? My Twitch channel? That, I told you, it was the worst. Doc, never get yourself down on Twitch. You, I could explain.

I couldn't, I could, it brings back that. I need, you know what it is the attention? It's, I'm at a party. You know what, it's a race right now. We're in a race, 100 meters sprint. All these streamers are lining. up and I'm in the race. Before that channel, I'm not in that race. I've got to sit from a sidelines. That's what it's like. I can't compete. So, that's what concerns me a little bit

is that, like, so if we, okay, let me just, can I think for a second before, while I collect my thoughts? Okay. I'm going to view and put a kettle on. I'm all ears. Yeah, I'm just thinking. I love what you do, Doc. Got to say, as you think, I love what you do. Best stream, I'll tell you. Thanks, Allie. I appreciate that, man. Yeah, so, Ali, here's the really confusing thing. So I think a lot of what you say makes a lot of sense. I don't disagree with you really much at all. I think that you, I'm not surprised that. I love that. I'm not surprised that many women want more of a relationship with you than you want with them. I don't think that, I think that you've discovered a couple of really important things about your mood

and diet and things like that. And I do think that at times you have, you know, a really wonderful energy about you. You know, you're positive, you're charismatic, you're funny, you're a good storyteller. All those things are great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's the other shoe coming. So get ready for it. Oh, go, it's traumatic.

So here's the only thing that really concerns me, Allie, is that it seems like a lot of this stuff is dependent on things outside of your control. So this is what's really interesting is that, you know, when I ask you about, you know, why are you feeling so good about yourself? I think you've discovered a couple of things that absolutely are in your control, right? So your diet, staying positive,

waking up every day and saying, okay, I'm going to focus on stream, and then stream kind of does well and, like, reinforces you. So it's kind of interesting because you're like, I think you're halfway. I mean, I, I, agree with you 100%, but I feel like something's missing. There's something incomplete. And I think what this comes back to is sort of this idea of like attention seeking,

and that's the best way I'm going to describe it, is that it seems to me, Ali, that a lot of the way that you feel is dependent on your circumstances. So like when... Yeah, for example, like today, when my daughter had a bit of a temperature and she couldn't go to school, I couldn't stream, I was really upset. I was so frustrated and flustered. and flustered. And I was so, oh, and I was sitting there going, my fans are going to kill me. They're going to think I'm lying. I'm ditching. Yeah, good example. And you're right. Yeah. Now, keep going. I'm listening. Yeah. So, you know, if we think about 10-year-old you that when your teacher says, okay, kids, everyone take your seats and then you say,

fuck you, miss. And then everyone laughs. Then you feel amazing, right? Can I let's go back a second. Yeah. I would be more like cheeky. You know, I said that. But back in school, I would say like when I was 10, 11, 12, you can ask anybody went to my school. I'd say, I'll go, miss, you've got really nice tits today. I should go, Ali, get out right now. And she'd laugh, but I would go out. So it wasn't like a toxic. It was like, uh, yeah, I was, but go on, carry on. I don't want to come across as like a toxic, but go on. No. Yeah. So, so I, I don't, I, I, I'm just noticing that I think a lot of what your mood, or just how you feel about yourself and a lot of your positivity seems to be,

dependent on certain aspects of the outside world and especially like sort of the esteem of other people. And that, you know, if if things are going well on Twitch or you're able to stream or stuff like that, you feel really good about yourself. But if you're kind of isolated, if you're back to being like the kid that you were when you were growing up, where you were sort of like, you know, people sort of didn't treat you with respect and stuff like that. It kind of makes it so you kind of don't feel so good about yourself, which is. normal, right? So, like, we respond to how we get treated. Yeah, I'm with you. You're right. But is that a bad thing, though? Well, so... Is it bad? Is it like a... No, I mean, everyone's like me. So everyone's like that, right? So if people make fun of me, then I'm going to feel bad about myself. And if people treat me well, I'm going to feel good about myself. I think some people are more or less responsive to the esteem of others. okay right so so what i'm curious about and i and this is the thing is i i think when you're

positive i can see why people sort of would use the term bipolar to describe you because it seems to me that you know a lot of times you're like you're as you put it a perfect human being um and and and you know pardon me alley but i i don't think that you're uh i don't think you're enlightened or something like the buddha or christ or anyone like that so i i don't think you're actually perfect i think you're perfect the way you are. And at the same time, I wonder, like, when you're feeling less than perfect, like, what does that look like and where does that come from? And how do you buffer yourself? How do you... Okay, Doc, I'm going to tell you now, I am addicted to feeling good and looking good,

addicted. So I was addicted that about two years ago, someone changed the forehead a moat to a free head of moat, right? You know when some British, some British talks and the whole chat spam's freehead, my teeth was scuffed before, right? When people started talking freehead to me, I went and got my teeth knocked out by dentist and got fake teeth put in. Like, you see my teeth now? They're all fake. Let me get up there. And let me tell you why, right? Because number one, I'm insecure as hell. Not anymore. I used to be, since I've changed everything, I look, I go, yeah, I'm not insecure anymore. But look, you see that? They're not real, right? Yeah. Now, because they were all scuffed before. But let me tell you this as well.

So much so, and I mentioned my dad's Turkish, that my viewer base grew of me having a big bent nose. I'm talking it was big, and it was bent. It was like a witch. It was like, have you ever played the Sims? You know the character, the game, the Sims? You can create a character. You could change their eyes, their eyelashes, their cheeks, the jaw. But it looks like God gave me a really big nose.

And it was, Doc, it wasn't like a bit, no, it was like, oh my God, that guy's got a huge nose. It doesn't suit him. So the first thing I did was it cost me five grand. I got a nose job, right? There's no scarring. They went underneath the nose. So I won't lie to you. I'm addicted now to looking good, feeling good.

And I weigh myself every day. I am very conscious of what I eat. If I was to eat cheese or like a slice of pizza, that's like two pounds on there and I need to lose that weight. And this is a problem I've got where I'm addicted to looking and feeling good. I've got gray hairs. I've got gray hair so much so. I have to give my hair dyed. Like, oh, this is like, you see this?

I've got like a silver blonde thing going on because that's who I am. And honestly, it feels amazing. But if that was to be, if I do slip or if I do look bad, I feel terrible. I feel horrible. No one's looking at me. No one likes the way I look at. Is it a bad thing, Doc? Is it a bad thing?

I think so. Oh, you think it is? Yeah. Right. Why? Yeah. Great question. And I'm sorry, I'm just being transparent with you.

So I think that at some point, so what I'm hearing is that your, your esteem of yourself, is dependent on external things, right? The way that you feel about yourself. Right, right. And you're right. Go on. Carry on. No, go for it.

You want to say something. And I won't like, I don't know if this is why I'm like this. Because this is one question I've got off myself. I don't know why I'm like this. But Doc, I'd like, and I don't know. It's a problem. It's an addiction.

I'm addicted to, what's the word I'm looking for here? I'm very materialistic. And I like it. And I like it. And I like it. I don't think it's just materialistic. Yeah, so I'm...

Have you seen the car just bought? It's a big black jaguar F-Pace SUV. And if you look at it, you're going to say that is a cock extension. Nothing wrong by a penis, doc, I can promise you. Nothing. Don't need, it. It's fine. It's a great size.

But you'd look at it and think, why is that guy... There are 23 women that get a taste of it and want more, right? Right. So either way, my point is, I don't know if it's... I know myself really well, but I don't know why I'm so addicted to materialistic things. I always say, I always want. How does it make you feel to have that time? And it annoys me.

I tell you this. It angers me so much when I see all these streamers that are millionaires and they don't even, they don't show their communities what they've, what their viewers have bought them. It annoys me. It makes me anger. I don't know why. I get some people want to be private for their own security. I get that.

But for me, every time, if I'm going to build something, I want to say, guys, you pull me this. And so right now we're gonna buy a house and I can't wait to move in. I can't want to show my viewers to do a house. I thought like you guys got me this. And I've got something wrong with me there. So how did it make you feel when I bought that car? Do you want to know the truth? Yeah.

Okay. So the first day I bought that car, I felt amazing. It felt great. I showed everyone I felt on top of the world. The next day, Doc, and it still feels the same way. I don't, it don't even feel like I own the car. It feels like it's not even there. I'm like, I want my house now. I want a dual garage with a driveway, with a gate,

with gates. want security. I want a CCTV. I want big girls. I want my friends live with me. I want my dad live for me. I want a big house just to say to also to say to my ex. And this is about moving on. But it's just I want it to all the girls I've ever dated to say, ha ha, fuck you. Look what you could have got. It's like bragging rights. I'm not, I don't choose to be like that, but that's how I feel. So maybe there is a segment of me. You can tell me. Why am I like this? Yeah. Let me just think about how to answer that. All good. So, Ali, what I'm noticing is that like so you got this car right it's an awesome car fantastic i've got a super okay go on okay

so and and i think it like it makes sense that you know you're happy and you want to share that with your viewers because you're the viewers are the ones that enabled you to get that car like totally makes me feel really good when i'm out going to bars and clubs and hotels and i'm pulling up in the best car they're like ha ha ha ha wankers yeah right not a sound immature but we're going to get all out the table now is this a problem of mine it's how i feel i don't know why i'm like i think so i think it is a problem because also brought up as a poor kid i was brought up i didn't get any pocket money we lived in a caravan a cat and guess what my mom still lives in a caravan like proper proper proper eight mile m&m yeah i'm not joking okay i never had my own bedroom i i should say bedroom of my sisters

Yeah. I'm going to say something. It's going to be a little bit judgmental. Okay? Do it. And I think we sort of, we got to this in the first few minutes. But so you're making up for being a shy kid who didn't have his own bedroom, grew up in a caravan with bad teeth and a mom who slept slept around. And now to make that like on the inside, that kid is there.

And so the more that you make yourself perfect on the eye. outside, the more you get your T3 done, get your nose done, dye your hair, drive a fancy car, the more you can ignore, forget, or no longer be that kid. I'm not going to cry, but yeah, I think that you're right. You've just blown my mind. I think you're damn right. I hated that me. Yeah, you got it.

And I'm not ashamed of that. I'm not, I'm actually more proud of the way. I am now. I'm more proud of the way I'm now than that I'm like, that's definitely. not me, but yeah, you just... Yeah, but so, but that, so here's, here's the problem, right? So, Ali, you, you try so hard to not be that kid, which makes sense. And at the same time, like, I don't think there's anything wrong with that kid. Right? That kid, like, he's just, he did the best that he

could, given the circumstances that he had. And like, sure, that kid can grow into, like, a successful man who takes care of himself and like eats properly and goes out of his way to take care of his daughter and like is an awesome dad and streams on Twitch and tries to provide positivity to people and give back. And you don't have to be ashamed of that kid. The reason I think this stuff is bad, Ali, is because when you buy the Jaguar, you feel awesome for a day. And then the next day, it's like, what's next? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? Yeah. And so you get a nose job, and then you feel amazing, and then it's like, oh, shit, I got to get my teeth done. Yep, yep, yep.

All my viewers know that's, yeah, you've now there. And also, as my daughter, let me say this, my dad weren't there for me. I wish my dad was there for me. I always wanted my dad to turn up to school and to see me, and I want to always be, I always want to spend days of my dad. I always wanted my dad to come to school to pick me up in his car. He had the same car. I've currently got the Supra, and I always wanted that, but he never did.

And that's why when I turned up to her. school now, I'm the best parent there. All the kids look at me and they wish that I was the dad and all the parents look at me. And I'm like, ha ha ha. But yeah, so I'm being the dad that my dad weren't there for me. I'm being that dad for her. And yeah, that's the truth. But yeah, you're nailing this.

You're really good at what you do. But I'm really tough. I'm crying on the inside, but I'm not going to shot on the outside. I'm not going to do it. Yeah, right. So there it is again. Because what you see, what we see on the outside is so important to you. Right.

bad though. It's not, generally speaking, I hope you don't stay that way. I think it's fine. We're all that way. And then the question is, do we want to be a different way? Because let me put it to you this way, Ali, you're going to model like your daughter's going to learn a lot from you, okay? And so do you want to teach her that if her nose doesn't look perfect, she has less value as a human being. No, but I'll be paying for a nose job if she wants it, but ask me a question again. Sorry, ask me the question again. So like... I've already thought about this. If her nose comes out anything like my old nose, because in genetics or any of my kids, all the nose jobs are on me for free. It's like,

it's like, that's just standard. Go on. Ask me the same question again, because I... Yeah, I mean, what do you want to teach her about her worth? What is her worth dependent on? I want her, I don't want her to be a Twitch stream like me. I want her to actually have an education, go through uni, and be something that changed the world. Oh, I'm talking to you. Don't press that button. Don't you dare press that button. Yeah, so what's, okay, so do I want it to be like me in that way? Well, I just want her to be, I'm just going to let her be the woman she wants to be. And I'm just, if saying, if she starts being a bit weird or I'd just say, is that who you are?

If that's who you want to be, be that. Because life's not hard, Doc, I'm going to be honest of you. If any viewers watching, this is what I've learned. if you want to be that guy, it takes a mini second in your brain to be that guy for the rest of your life. If you want to be a dick of a person, you can just be a dick and you're that dick person. So if you want to be a nice person, be it. It takes a second to be that person. And that's the truth.

So what's my point with my daughter? I'm going to let her sculpture herself. But if there is ever a concern, or I'm a bit like, that's a bit weird what you're doing. I might say, are you sure you want to do that? Sure. I mean, that's your job is her dad. I'm never going to be a parent where I'm making them. But you know you've got them strict parents out there that make them wear that certain amount, that clothes or wear that or they're going to be. She's going to be a free bird.

And I'm going to pray she makes the right decisions. Okay. Because let me let me, let go on. So, Ali, let me try to, I'm going to try to explain this. You asked me, is that bad? So let me put it to you this way. So like, let's take your ex-girlfriend, right? So one day you woke up and you no longer hated her.

Now, does that lack of hate? So hatred can kind of come from two places. Like maybe the reason... How can I... This is... Sorry, I got to take a step back. I use that. I use that as an energy.

The reason I came popular in 2015 to 2016 because my ex cheat on me and I was like, fuck you. I'm going to stream, make it just to piss you off. And I use that energy and then try and form the something perfect. And then after half a year,

when I was over it, I had this perfect thing going on. So use it as an energy. Yeah. Yeah. So I think that's great. And at the same time, I still feel like it kind of comes back to this idea that it's not dependent on you. It's dependent on the outside world.

Right. Like if you're doing things to show people that they're wankers and that you've made it and all those kids that bullied you on school, look at Allie now. Like Allie's got beautiful teeth, beautiful nose, beautiful hair, beautiful bitches. You know, he's got everything now. Like, who's making fun of who? And sure, I mean, that can feel good for a while, but generally speaking, in my experience, happiness that comes from the outside is temporary and also depends on the outside. And that there's another kind of happiness that comes sort of from within, for lack of a better term. And I think that you've undoubtedly had this, right?

Like, where it's not, I mean, I think that there are parts of you that feel really good about yourselves. because of the kind of dad that you are. But it's not because anyone is seeing. Like your daughter doesn't even know what you're doing for her, right? There's no outside reinforcement or support of your esteem or worth. It's something that like you wake up in the morning and you say like, okay, she's got a fever today so she can't. I'm going to be pissed about it, but I'm not going to get mad at her.

It's not her fault. And she's never going to know that. She's never going to thank you for it. No one's ever going to say like, oh, like look at Allie. he's such a good dad, like he stayed home and canceled his stream. In fact, if anything, you may get the opposite where your viewers may be like upset. Your community may be upset. Oh, this guy's flaking again. But like all that stuff, even from the outside, you're going to get no reinforcement and maybe even some amount of flack or hatred or, you know, trolling or whatever,

but you can still feel good about yourself regardless of how the outside world treats you. I think that is better than the way you feel being dependent on how the outside world treats you. And at the end of the day, Ali, I hate to break it to you, man, but if you hadn't gotten a nose job, I don't think I would think any less or more of you. I think what makes you amazing is not your nose, right? It's your drive to like be better and your ability to like roll with punches. But but like the nose, the nose changes the way that you perceive yourself. Right. Man, man, so nice of you.

Oh, man. You're so, you know, I really believe that you're like an angel or something to speak words of wisdom of people. honest of God. I know what you're saying, though. I get it. You're trying to say you don't need all this because you can be your loved in the inside alley. You're trying to say that. But what if I told you, it's like Venom, the movie and Spider-Man 3 where Eddie Brock is like, and he's like, Eddie, don't take the suit.

It's bad. And it's like, yeah, I like being bad. It feels good. Right now it feels good being this outside. Right. It feels fucking amazing. I feel on top of the world. Ali, here's the problem.

I completely agree with you that it feels amazing right now. Right. So it's like a warning of like step back a bit because you're going to get. No, so here's the thing. If the reason you feel amazing right now is because your Twitch career is going well, because everything is going well, you just bought a car. You're going to buy a house. Like if everything, if your happiness is tied to the outside world and what the fates give you, then it's tied to what the fates give you.

Right. Right. And so what I'm asking you to do is consider a life where your happiness is not tied to what the fates give you, but it's tied to. Like Buddhas do that. They don't have any of that. They just sit in the mountains and they just have each other. So like that sort of, that's like obviously extreme. So what would you suggest?

Go on. Yeah. So, my question is how I'm meant to find happy. My question is is how am I meant to find happy? happiness without having goals and things to show for in the real world. You tell me. Okay, great. So close your eyes. And if my door comes in, the top of a PC, just scream. Okay. So, Ali, what's wrong with you right now? Can I respond? Yeah, yeah. Nothing. Okay. Then why do you need anything?

Right. Right. Well, all I want to know is one answer for you. How can I be happy? what you told you told me I can be happy on the inside rather than the outside world. So you tell me how I can be happy or how you're damaged to anyone else. How can be happy with the inside, not the outside? Yeah, yeah. So, but what are you, but so it, there's nothing wrong with you, right? Right. So like, so like, whatever you prefer.

Yeah, she's coming. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah, go on. So, so, so, so, so, but, Ali, here's the thing, right?

So like, like, if you think about. why you want something in the outside world, that comes from a desire within you. Right. So it's an outside of me is the inside me. Oh, the inside me is the outside me. Absolutely. Brilliantly put. Right.

Right. Right. So like this is where, so like right now you feel perfectly content. And so, so then what's going to happen is at some point you're not going to be content. Something within you is going to say, I want a house or I want a car. Right? And then- Why can't I keep just chasing that for the rest of my life? That's what gives people like goals, isn't it?

It's like they get one goal, fantastic, feel great, and what the next one. But that's life. We have to work hard and have goals. Am I wrong? I think you have to work hard, but I don't, I mean, yeah, goals. So that gets tricky for a second. But let me take a step back and ask you, we'll talk about that in a second. But let me just point this out.

So like right now you're perfectly content. You don't want anything, right? But one day- house and other stuff. Yeah, but so, but how do you feel? You don't have a house. So how do you feel? Right now?

Yeah. Incomplete. Okay. Where does that sound come? Where does that feeling of incompleteness come from? I don't own a house. I don't own my own house. Yeah.

So, so what, what is that? Security. But no, inside you, Allie. I know it's kind of a weird baby sharp dude. It's legit. Yeah. But what is that feeling of incompleteness? What does that feel like?

Right. So, like, your knowledge that you don't have a house is represented inside you in some way. Right. Right. So, like, if you imagine walking into your house, you're going to feel something on the inside. When the first time you walk into a house, you're going to feel something. And until you do that, there's like this emptiness inside you, right? That's right.

Okay. So like, yeah, empty slash the feeling of one, the chase. I won't call it empty. It's like, what's that? What's that? Yeah, good. Hunger. Yeah, what is that?

Yes. Yeah, that's it. It's that feeling. It's like, oh, it's the chase. It's like, yeah, yeah, I'm going to get that. I want that. Yeah, okay. That gives my stream one every day.

That's why I'm a bit upset so I didn't stream, but go on. Okay. Yeah. So let's think about hunger for a second, right? Because there are times where you've had hunger for, rice. Sure. And what happens when you don't give into that hunger? Like when you, when you, when you feel hungry for rice and you start eating it, man, do you feel good? And then the next day, how do you feel? But then if you eat more rice or you have a cake, oh man, like there we go again. Like I feel that hunger. I want it again. I want it again. I want it again. Oh, what's the next thing? The next thing. The next thing. The hunger always comes back. That's true. And the more you feed it, what happens to you?

You get big? Yeah. Right? You start to feel bad back yourself. Yeah. So how do you, what do you do? Oh, no. You're trying to say that when I get this house, I've got that hunger, I'm going to be one of the next thing and the next thing.

Is that what you're trying to say? Yeah. Yeah, but let me say this, Doc. Who's laughing when I own five, six, seven, eight houses? and I'm a landlord and then my tenants. Who's laughing? Because you could put this, this isn't the same,

being a landlord is completely different to being huge and overweight and feeling bad. Do you understand what I'm saying? Yeah. So the only part that's huge and overweight and feeling bad is your ego when you're a landlord. Right? Your ego gets overblown. Then you're like, who's laughing now?

All y'all little bitches and I'm a big man. Look at me. I'm a ladlord. You're a fucking tenant. At that point, your mind is obese. your mind is 14 stone. Your ego is 14 stone. Don't you think, but don't you think some people find that attractive?

Of course they think. Some people find it as like, wow, I want to be like this guy. He's confident. Yes. You're in sight. You know what? You attract the real audience. You attract the wrong type of women that are gold diggers and you track the

wrong type of friends that are trying to exploit you and use you. I completely know where it comes from. But I'd rather be that guy than be someone who's scraping by really struggling. living anxiety that he can't cover his rent. So, you know. Yeah, I agree. I agree you should strive for stability. So you should absolutely strive for stability.

And I think, I think, Ali, this is part of your journey, right? Like you started off, is anxious, getting banned from Twitch, nowhere. And now you've come out of it. And then your next phase is to transcend the entire thing. To move, like stop playing the entire fucking game. Because when you say, like, who's laughing? That's ego. man. Like, why do you need to show all of these women that tried to control you that, like,

you're doing fantastic? They're living their lives. And like, what, why do you want to show them, like, what, you're just going to cause a pain because you're successful? Let me tell you that there's something called flexing. And you're not a type of got of flex. And there's no way you are. You're really humble and lovely. And I'm glad you don't. But there are types of people, there's a lot of people out there that I don't care who's watching and who's the thing. If anybody out there can flex, it feels great. It makes you feel in line, it affects you feel empowered and other people get inspired by that person flexing sometimes. Sure. Yeah, I completely agree with you. So let me ask you this. When did you first want to flex? Oh my God. Um,

it was, it's going to be really cringy, Doc, but it was when I got banned on Twitch, I was depressed. I didn't even spend money. I made a lot of money in Twos. I didn't spend the money. I knew when I got banned, I started spending money and got addicted to it and I bought this stupid car and I put a big spoiler on it. And I thought it was so cool. I thought it was really amazing. And I made this video and it was the most cringest thing ever. But I got addicted to that feeling. You're damn right.

So let's think about that, Allie. You started flexing when you felt bad about yourself. You know what your first flex was? Your first flex was way before you bought a car, my friend. When was it then? Fuck you, miss. That was your first flex. You didn't have to be the nobody that you were back in primary school, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could show up and boy, did you flex. You were like, oh, look at me, bitches. Allie's in the house now. Y'all best pay attention. Yep. And everyone laughed. And boy, did it feel good.

I could get right in here to confirm it. I was the worst kid. On top of the world. There's a video on YouTube that I made. It's not a long one of it. It's re-uploaded. When I first released it, it got a million views back in 20. And here I am talking about it.

But I made this video when I was 13 and I'm now 28. So it was 15 years ago on YouTube. I made this video and I'm going around to school and I'm just being a terror. And it was called Grow School Goes to School. And I'm just terrorizing the libraries and kicking books down and screaming, you know, calling people names. And it went like viral on YouTube. It got like half a million views in a week. And my headmaster pulled me in to remove the video.

There's a re-upload of it. But yeah, you're right. You're right. You're right. You're really right. God. About what? Help me understand.

The whole flexing thing about it's who I am. It started when I was like 10-11. Not in it start when I bought the car. Yeah. So the flex, Ali, the flex is to compensate for an instance. Don't say penis. Don't say penis. Please. I'm not saying penis. Okay. I swear that I swear. It's, I don't know what it is then. No, no. No, it's, dude, it's it's it's to compensate for like caravan you. Bad teeth you, shy you who got bullied it. It's true. Right. But here's the thing. Here's the thing. That's not the real you. That kid isn't the real you. And if that kid isn't the real you, then you have no need to flex.

Right. I see. If there's nothing wrong with. you, why do you need to show off or prove anything to anyone? Right. Did you ask me a question? No. Because it's all going in. Sort of. You're right.

You're right. You're not asked me to change. You're not asking me that, are you? You're just making me understand, right? Sure. Right. Do you want to change? No, not one bit.

I'm just, I'm understanding more about me. Okay. Because I've always asked how I like this and you've helped me understand. And I'm definitely compensating for yeah, the old me, like you said. But I don't want to go back to that guy. I love who I am now, Doc. I'll be honest with you.

Like, you know. Yeah, so, Ali, I don't think you are truly what you are now. And I don't think you're truly what you were back then. Right. I think you are what you are and that there's nothing wrong with it. So you don't have to prove anything to anyone. They don't need to see, they don't need to. they don't need to see who you are because they'll never know who you are.

You know, like right now, what does your daughter think you are? Well, I hope she knows that I'm a dad. We did a DNA test. I am the dad. But, well, she can't speak. I mean, I would hope she thinks that I'm a father, for sure. Yep. Yep.

Right. And that you love her and she thinks you're awesome. She can't get, we've been talking. for an hour and a half and she can't get enough of you. Right, right. Is that because you got a nose job? No. Is it because of your teeth?

No, no. Is it because of your car? No, no. Is it because of how many followers you have on Twitch? No, she's free. Did he freak? How can she like you without any of those things? Oh, I see.

Oh, I see. I see what you mean. Oh, okay. Right. she likes me for who I am right yep okay

but a two and a half year old is different to all the people nowadays she's different to like a 25 world woman dude you understand just just because people out there are fucking dumber than a three year old does not mean you need to cater to them

right I got you animals and kids are the ones that see your real value not Instagram models, right? So you can live up to their esteem if you want to. So you're right, Allie. I'm not asking you to change.

It's not my place to ask you to change. It's my place to show you or try to help see what I think you are. And in theory, maybe that's what you really are. And then you should decide. Right. If you want to continue chasing materialistic things, go for it. If you want to continue flexing on people, people go for it. But this is what I will tell you and what I have observed is that the more

your happiness is dependent on other people's opinion, the less in control of your happiness you are. That makes sense. So it's like playing with fire is what you're trying to say. Absolutely. So if I loved myself who I really am and like early like we were talking about animals, they love who you are, that's, I'm not playing with fire then. That's like a safe thing to do, Right? Safe, absolutely. I mean, I think that's where real happiness comes from. Sustainable happiness.

Like, you think about how does your daughter feel about herself? Right. And why does she feel that way? It's because you see something within her. Why does she love you so much? It's because you probably don't treat her based on what she does on the outside. Gotcha. Right?

Her mom probably treats her differently. Whereas, like, you treat her like a person, not like any, one facet of her being. You just don't pick one side. You treat her as a person. And my guess is that like, and it's not your fault or anything. I think this is what happens. When kids get made fun of and when you grow up where you like you grow up in a caravan

and other people have houses, they make you feel like less of a human being. And what I'm telling you to do is stop playing their fucking game. Because whether you have a house or whether you have a caravan, she's going to see the same person. Does she know that you guys have like a mansion or an apartment or a caravan right now? She doesn't know and she doesn't care. Yeah. Doesn't care what color your hair is.

I don't want to say, Doc. Okay, good. I'm just taking it in. Sorry. No, no, it's good. I mean... No, it's nice hearing it, though. You're right.

It's not hearing it. What happens, though, when she grows up and... she hasn't got nice things, right? And then people at school make fun of her. Excellent. Now we get to the important point. This is why you need to. So, Ali, this is beautiful.

You took the next point. I was made fun of in school for having a big nose and living in a caravan and people would call me old names like, yep. You know what I mean? So why would I want her?

I do a lot of it for her. I say this all the time, but I do want her to have the best things. So I'm the cool dad when I don't want to sound weird here, but when she goes to school and she has, it's her birthday, all her friends can come stay in a big house and have a party, which I never had. But I mean, I'd rather her have that life rather than a life where, because I never had a birthday party. I never had loads of friends over. I didn't get that luxury. You know, I already got a sleepover and if so, it was weird.

But, and that's it. So I want her to have nice things. I don't want to get bullied the way I'm bullied. Good. So, Allie, I can get behind that 100% because let me explain something to you, though. So why should you work hard? Working hard to flex on nobs is one thing. Provide for family.

I do want to dismiss that. Everything I do do is for my daughter as well. It's just additional. It's also for Ellie. Yeah, I'm doing all right. Yeah. So I think when you work hard, you do so for two children. You do so for Ellie.

And then you do so for 10-year-old you. Right. Right. Yep. And so what I'm saying is one of those is going to be temporary. And you're going to go back to feeling the second you buy a nice car and then someone that you dislike buys a nicer car, you're going to go back to feeling like that 10-year-old kid. But should you work your ass off? Should you stream every day?

Should you try to be bigger and better and more secure? Should you become a landlord instead of a tenant and have control over your own destiny? Absolutely. It's the why that's important. Are you doing it to make other people see how big your dick is? Are you doing it for your daughter? Yeah, I got you. I ask me that because...

No, I mean, I think you're not. Yeah, yeah. And I think both of them exist within you. right now. And that's okay. It's just over the next couple of years, you've got to decide whether you want to chase temporary happiness because you're damn right. It feels good. That's why everyone chases it. Like, why do you think everyone's doing this? Why do you think Instagram exists? Uh-huh. It's because temporary highs are very addictive and so easy to attain. Right. It's way harder to sit with that hunger and conquer it and not give in because it's so

satisfying when you get that bowl of white rice and you just start shoving it. in your face, man, does it feel so good for that hunger? But then the hunger comes back tomorrow. Yep. And then a Jaguar and then a home. But why do you want a home? Is it because you want to flex or because you don't, you want to be able to have a party for your daughter?

I've got a massive thing. And this is getting a bit to know me. When I was a kid and I was growing up, my dad walked there. My mom split with him when she was six. and one second sorry my friends listened to the stream and I can hear myself talking

I hate my own voice so pretty much when I was a when I was a kid I um my dad weren't there and they they set my mom's car on fire

they broke up right it's drugs and all that crap and pretty much what happened was my mom met this fella after a few years of dating a few guys and he's very old fashioned

and the day that I left school, I was a very quiet kid at my family, at the caravan, at home. At school, I was a terror, so much so that my mom would get reports that I was really loud in class and she wouldn't believe it. She, we turned up to her parents evening and the teachers were like, Ali's loud, he swears a lot. And she's like, not my alley, what, this alley? And I would sit there like, ha ha ha, ha, you know. So the day that I left school, I did really bad. I didn't pass any in my grades. I came into school. I was meant to get A's and B's. Because I took this dark side of being immature and flexing with this loud mouth potty mouth kid, I left with all bad grades.

The day that I finished school, I felt it coming for years. My stepfather, the day that I left school when I was 16, the day that happened, he was like, get out, go. And we got to a massive fight. My mum and me got to a, like a bit of, she punched me in the nose. She, she did it to this day. She's like, I didn't, I'm like, yep, I had a nose bleed. You punched me in the face. She's like livid if I want to tell her that. She doesn't want to hear. She just says, no, no, no. So I got kicked out when I was 16. I always got kicked up when I was 14, but I went to stay around a friend's house. And still to this day, no one on this stream knows what it's like to live with someone. And if you do, you do, you do. But you have no idea what it's like to live, maybe you do, Doc, to live with someone and be dependent on them to keep you there.

I lived growing up through my teenage years in anxiety that my stepfather's going to kick me out, and I was so scared of him. We never talked. We never interacted. All I want to do was sit down and play Roomscape and that and make YouTube videos. And that guy terrified me that still to this day, my worst fear ever is not being able to pay my rent. That's why every time I get a girlfriend, I'm like, I'm paying all the rent. I'm paying all the bills.

I'm paying everything. Everything's on me. I want to let you spend a penny because I don't want to end on the money. because I don't want anyone to feel that anxiety, which I felt growing up. I hate no one, there might be someone watching this stream, like a 16-year-old who's doesn't know what's going to do when leave school. It's the worst feeling in the world living with someone and being scared they're going to kick you out because it's just the worst feeling in the world.

And now I had that. I used to clean up, be really polite, was quiet and scared and still do this to have that anxiety. That's why now I want to buy a house, if not houses, and I want to own. So it's like a security, like, hey, I'm never going. If shit hits a fan, I'm okay because I bought these houses and I could sell them and live off that for a while. And that's it, Doc. So that is so, it's not so much.

The reason I want to buy a house is number one. Yes, it's my daughter as well. Number two, it's it. It makes it feel good. I own a house. But number three, mostly it's security. Do you understand? It's that.

I have this livid anxiety. I'm so scared. That's why now the past three years. years. I haven't streamed. I've just been living anxiety because I was too scared to stream with my fan base. But now all I want to do is stream every day. I would stream 30 days a week, a month, if I could. But with my daughter, I can't. But either way, that's the truth. So that is, you know, that anxiety is still there. And my last girlfriend, I let her live here. And the problem with me, we're human beings. We can find negatives in the most positive thing. For example, I didn't let her pay anything. I

I paid her car insurance. I paid all for all her food, her clothes, you name it. It was all on me the past three years. I did that so much. I paid every bill. I paid everything that in her brain, I starved her from being her own woman. When she left me, she was like, I want to leave. I want my own place. I want to pay my own bills. I want to be independent. I gave her, so I didn't let her pay anything that I starved her from, let's say, independency. She could go out. She could go out. I'm not keeping her indoors. She was allowed to go out. She was free as a bird. But because I paid all the bills, her brain tore as a negative because us human beings will find a negative. Look at millionaires. Look at millionaires. They still hate their lives, some of them, because they just see negatives and

all their friends are fake and they're, you know, and it's not enough, you know. So pretty much, I made a mistake of my ex-girlfriend. I pretty much star after her from independency by paying all the bills because I didn't want her to live in my anxiety. I didn't want her to feel the same way I did when I was, when I was a kid of the anxiety of I'm going to get thrown. I'm going to get kicked out. Oh my God. It was the worst feeling in the world.

Worst feeling in the world. And that's that's one of the reasons why I want to buy a house. So it's like, yeah. And I want to keep on going until I feel really secure. And I ain't going to stop. Streaming all the time. Every day. Yeah, that's it.

So now you know a bit more. It sheds a lot of light, Allie. Thank you so much for sharing. right is she insecure well my daughter yeah we don't not at all she's not scared of anyone she doesn't play above the children she loves

she prefers adults when she goes to her school does it she she I can have 10 strangers turn up women men she won't care she'd walk in the room she doesn't care she act like they're invisible legit invisible where does that security come from what her security yeah

I don't know. A lot of her kids her age are really shy. She isn't the opposite. Yep. She just, yep. Allie, where does security come from? It's, you'll be born that way, right? No. Right? No. No. Where does your insecurity come from? Which one? The one with me, want to buy stuff or the one where I want the attention? Or the one where I'm... Take your pick. Good, good answer, right? Okay. So your insecurities come from.

experiences. Your desire to have a house and security comes from this traumatic fear of being kicked out when you were 16. That's where the insecurity is born. Right. The interesting thing is that cookie. I'm listening. I'm listening. I'm listening. Right. It's the fourth cookie man. I'm going to make a dinner shortly. Go on. Carry on, Doc. I'm listening. Yeah. No, I'm just appreciating her. I'm all is. I'm all is. Yeah. So, so my point, Gore, and, and, uh, maybe we can wrap up in a few minutes. But just to think about this is like, so you're trying to solve the insecurity of yesterday by like buying a house today.

I'm not saying you shouldn't get a house. Absolutely. You shouldn't provide security. But what I'm saying is that the interesting thing is that her security doesn't come from solving an insecurity. It comes from like faith in herself and comfort because like that's what you've given her. Right. Like she knows her value as a human being because you treat her with value. And what I'm saying is that the solution to your insecurity, sure, a house will help, but that emotional scar like has to be dealt with directly.

Right. So like it's about sitting with some of the feelings that you have in acknowledging that you have this like traumatic event about like being kicked out. But like appeasing the anxiety from the outside doesn't actually do anything to the insecurity. Like just like when you get a nose job, a little while later, you're going to be worried about your teeth. A little while later, you're going to be worried about your hair. There's something with the insecurity exists and fixing it from the outside isn't going to do anything to the insecurity on the inside. And so I know it's kind of a weird question, but you need to do for yourself what you've done for your daughter. And then the insecurity will be gone. Right.

I've self-consciously done that. She's very, she's not insecure at all. So tell me exactly what I've got to do. treat yourself the way that you treat her. Pay attention. The next time she doesn't, because she's going to feel insecure all the time. Right. So I know she's a secure kid, but there are going to be little moments like just now.

Right. So she has a need and like how did you deal with her? Just like pay attention to your interactions with her. Because something about the way that you interact with her has made her a secure child. And I'm not sure exactly what that looks like. I think you just got to look at the way you treat her and look at the way you treat yourself. Look at the things within yourself that prompt you to action. And look at the things within you that prompt you to action for her.

And they're very different. With her, you have a fundamental idea that she's okay. And so all of your interactions with her are built on a foundation of this kid is awesome. When it comes to yourself, the foundation is very different. Because you weren't treated like you were okay. Right? Growing up, you had this stepdad who you fucking knew, he was looking for an excuse. She was just looking for an excuse.

And your daughter has, that's just alien to the way that she's growing up. She has no idea what it was like. But that's where security comes from. fate or God or the universe has given you a perfect example from how to move forward to here. And she's in your own home and she's three years old. Do for yourself what you do for her. And whether you get a house or don't get a house, whether it's a big house or a little house, whether you look beautiful or you look ugly, it won't matter.

It's got it, Doc. We'll do. how you feeling good good just happy good just good just

yeah feeling good good I'm happy to hear it yeah I'll leave you yeah go on yeah I'll leave you with one last thought Allie and then you can have one story

so the only thing that I feel sad about is that you chase something that you don't need that you're fine the way you are and all of your insecurities are falsehoods that were instilled in you by people who didn't treat you the way that you should have entreated. Right, yeah, that makes sense.

It's their estimation. In their eyes, you're lacking. And then you learned how to look at yourself in the mirror and see what they saw. But those fuckers are wrong, man. And so look at yourself the way that you're lacking. you look at your daughter. We'll do.

Last word is yours, my friend. The last word is mine? Yeah, yeah, if you want to say something. Last word. No, I just want to say thanks for having me on. And it's just so good to have someone jump in my brain like that. It was like, I'm not expected now. I was like, man, there's nothing.

You're going to tell me that shocks me. So, it was nice. It was nice. Yeah. But yeah. Okay. Dr. Kay, thank you so much. Thank you, Allie. Thank you.

And seriously, good luck with everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And hopefully when this COVID calms down, I can see you at TwitchCon or something. Yeah, I'd love to. Oh, fantastic. And do you drink? Just curious, do you don't drink? Rarely.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. Just double checking. Okay, Dr. Kay, you've been a star. Thanks so much. I'll take everything. Thank you, man.

Hey, listen, good luck to you. And I really do hope you get a really nice house. and you can throw your daughter a nice, safe, fun birthday party or sleepover. Seriously, I wish for you all the best, Allie. Dr. K, anytime. If you ever need me, just DM me, thanks for the team reaching out. Because it was just a shock to me. It's just like the DMV, how you like that be on Dr.K's stream?

I was like, sure. You know, I didn't, you know, so I loved it. It was fantastic. Okay, looks like your daughter's hungry, so I'll let you go, man. Yeah, I'm going to get dinner as well. Take care, Ali. See you later. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye.