HealthyGamerGG - How Parents' Standards Still Affect Us ft. Natsumiii

Episode Date: January 23, 2021

Zug zug! For today's interview, Natsumiii joins Dr. K in having a lovely and authentic chat about her upbringing and her parents influence on her mental health. Why do we sometimes feel guilty on our days off? Why do we not feel good enough even if we put in all of our effort? Stream Schedule: https://www.twitch.tv/healthygamer_gg on Twitch. Youtube: https://youtu.be/s5cjlHMkOUM for VoD Archive. Support us at https://ko-fi.com/healthygamer if you enjoy our content and would continue helping making it accessible to everyone! Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/healthygamergg/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Thank you for coming on stream today. Yes. Thanks for having me. Everyone has cats. What's up with that? I don't know. It's just, I don't know. It's just, you know, you had Jody on last, right?

Yeah, we just have cats. We just do. Yeah. And what is that circular thing in that black circle? Oh, it's just, it's the cat portal to the cat world. I'm just kidding. It's a cat wheel. So it is a cat portal to a cat wheel.

Yeah, yeah, pretty much. What does that mean? It's a cat wheel. Oh, it's like a hamster wheel for cats. That's the best. But do they actually run on it? Yes, yes. You just train, yeah, you train them to kind of like get used to getting on it.

And one of my cats, who's a Siamese cat, he loves going on it randomly throughout the day. Yeah, it just goes on his own, just goes on a run. Interesting, cool. And so what do you go by? Do you want to? You could just call me Wendy. Okay. Welcome, Wendy.

I'm Alloak or, you know, sometimes people call me Dr. Kay, whatever you feel comfortable with. And so is there something that you wanted to talk about today or any way that maybe we can be of help to you? So I've been wanting to kind of like tackle the feeling of, I guess, I don't know if I really, I guess it is anxiety. and I guess I'm not entirely sure what it might be, but it's more like, I guess, I stream a lot. And I've gone weeks where, like, I stream maybe like 12 hours every single day. And with, like, with little breaks. And I find that when I do, like, I know I need breaks.

And when I take them, I end up feeling like crap the whole day that I take a day off. Okay. Yeah. So it's just, I guess, I just want to talk about, like, why I might feel like crap every time I try to rest. Okay. Okay. So, first of all, I applaud your instinct to not just call it anxiety.

Yeah, I'm not entirely sure. It might be, but, like, yeah. So I think that that's, I'm really, I think that's a great way to start off because a lot of times, like, you know, people will say, oh, I have anxiety. And it's unclear. what that means, right? Like, what does that mean? And so I find that the more that we can like use a specific, like the more that we use like raw data to describe our experiences, the better off we're going to be like actually getting to the source of it. So let's dive right in. I think that's a fantastic thing to talk about. So tell me, help me understand. Hold on. Let me think for a

second. Do we want to jump right in or do I want to ask you about your background? Okay, let's jump right in and then I'll ask you about your background a little bit later, okay? So tell me, so first tell me, help me understand like what goes through your head when you stream like 12 hours a day for like six or seven days a week. I guess. Well, generally it's because whatever I'm doing, it is just really fun, like whether it's like the new game that I've really like dove into or like just spending time with friends. who are also playing the same game, I think we kind of just like,

we give each other that momentum to kind of keep, like, creating content and like, you know, it's, in general, it's really fun. Okay. Sometimes I just forget the time. Okay.

And then sometimes I just, I just feel like I don't stream long enough. There's like this, there's this part of me where my norm is like to stream six to eight hours. And I consider that on the shorter side of things. But I know, like, when I compare to my peers, a lot of them stream maybe like four to six, which is their normal. But then for me, it's like much higher in hours. And I feel like if I don't hit that number for myself, I feel like I'm slacking.

Yeah. Okay. Okay. So tell me about that. So like you're streaming six, eight hours and then you kind of feel like it's not enough in that you're slacking. Can you help me understand a little bit about like what's going on in your mind? Like what does thoughts look like or what do those feelings look like? Um, that's like, I don't, I don't, I feel, I guess personally I feel better or like I feel more fulfilled when I've streamed longer.

Then if I stream like for like two, three hours, I'll be like, oh, it's like I didn't work at all. You know what I mean? Okay. Yeah, it just, it just feels like I didn't do anything. Sure. like the length of it kind of matters to me and um how do you know when you've streamed enough when i get tired i guess that's like one of one of the biggest indicators i just feel physically tired okay yeah so it looks like unless you're physically tired you haven't streamed enough i guess

Yeah, in a sense. It's kind of, so let me just, let me lay something out and see if this kind of sits well with you or not. So like six to eight hours roll by, you've been streaming and you're like, oh, like, I know most streamers stream four to six. I've streamed six to eight on paper that seems like it should be decent, but it doesn't feel enough. And I haven't done a good job unless I'm physically exhausted. I guess. Yeah, it sounds bad, but yeah. I guess that is what it is.

Right? Yeah. Okay. So let's just pause for a second. I know sometimes I'm going to use words, Wendy, that are purposely inflated. Right. So like you use the word tired and I said physically exhausted, which is like I'm amplifying the word that you're using.

Right. But I'm sort of really noticing that like, you know, I'm guessing it's actually not tired. Like I'm guessing that you have to really feel the physical tiredness. And if you think about like, you know, you can't. could work a full day, like let's say an eight-hour day, and you're still, you don't feel like tired, even though you kind of are tired, right? That's a sufficient day. Like, if you want to really feel that ache in your bones kind of tired, which is like how your body is sending signals to your mind and saying like, hey, we can't do anymore. And then your mind is like, good job,

Wendy. Yeah. Right? It's like, that's satisfying. I mean, you use the word fulfilling. And And so that's, you know, it's interesting. So we'll get into that. So the first thing that I kind of want to point out to you is that it seems that like you set a bar for yourself and the way to meet that bar is physical exhaustion. Okay. And so, okay. Hold on. Let me just think.

Okay. Okay. And now tell me about what happens when you take a day off. I guess like I'm just as much of a consumer like any other Twitch viewers so I watch a lot of like my friends watch a watch a lot of just other streams and I end up feeling like I think at the end of the day I just end up feeling like I should have streamed today. Okay, tell me about that. Um, I don't know. I guess I just I just see them and I'm just like oh I could have. also been, you know, streaming. I could have also been, like, doing this.

But instead, I'm just feeling like I'm sitting here not doing a whole lot, which is just relaxing mostly or, like, sleeping in or watching dramas or something. Yeah. Okay. It just doesn't feel entirely productive. And I'm aware that I do need to rest and stuff. But I just, I just feel like crap when I'm not working. Okay.

Okay, so I'm going to do this thing where, you know, once again, I'm going to kind of send words back at you and it's going to sound a little bit extreme, okay? Okay. So it feels like, you know, when you're relaxing, you're not doing anything. Yes. Like, you should have done this. You could have done this. On paper, like, there's some part of your mind that's like, you know, I should rest from time to time. Like, I should do things for recreation.

And then there's another part of you that, like, it's a waste of time, Wendy. No recreation for you. Yeah. And it's also like, like if you think about it, you feel like uncomfortable relaxing. Yes. I mean, I would even go as far as to say it's stressful to relax. Kind of. I think like sometimes there are times where I'm like, this is nice.

You know what I mean? But then at the, I just, I just remember like at the end of every night, I just feel like I end up always debating on the day that I'm, I rest that I should just turn on my stream. I was just like, if I'm going to be gaming, I'll just, I should just turn on my stream. You know what I mean? Like, why am I not? Might as well. Yeah, I might as well.

Might as well be productive. Yeah. Yeah. I guess that's the thought that goes through my mind. Okay. A lot. Questions. Anything that you want to mention or anything that's popped into your head?

Because I'm about to shift gears on us. That's why I ask. Sorry. Oh, uh, no. Not at the moment. So let me ask you something. I'm getting the sense. So I'm going to toss out two words that I think may be like a way to describe what you go through.

Like the negative stuff in your mind is not enough. So six to eight hours is not enough. Like on a day that you didn't stream, that's not enough. Right? Like it's sort of like it feels unsatisfying to you. So you use the word fulfilling when you're like kind of like bone tired. And that's like, that's enough. That's how you know it's enough.

So what I'm hearing you kind of say is that you like kind of are in a struggle with yourself about like getting to enough. And unless you get to enough, you're kind of like, it's not enough. Yeah. Okay. So let me ask you something. How long have you felt that way? A long time. I don't know.

It's been a long time. Like. Yep. Yeah. Like years, I would say. Yep. Before you started streaming? I guess it was, it started maybe like a year or two after I started streaming.

I've been streaming for almost eight years. Okay. So it's been a long time. So can you tell me a little bit about kind of like what your, what growing up was like for you? Growing up. I mean, it was good. I did a lot of music growing up. Okay.

It was like one of those stereotypical situations. where my Chinese parents kind of like made me go do piano lessons and I ended up being pretty okay at it so I ended up pursuing it for my entire life and yeah I went to like music conservatory during the weekends after like school

regular school so I had like two schools basically and then yeah I don't know I don't know what else to say about it It was just like a lot of, I mean, it was nice. Just as I'm not sure to say. So you're telling me, Wendy, that you went to music conservatory after school and you were pretty okay at it? Yeah. Pretty, pretty okay at it.

Okay. Who would you say is good at piano? Would you say you're good at piano? I think I'm okay. Yeah. Is okay, different from good? I mean, I don't know. I was just considered people who are good, you know, people who are doing it professionally, you know, people who are like concert pianists, people who are performing, you know, who do it as an occupation.

Okay. Yeah. Interesting. Okay. So do you remember like what, so it sounds like you're Chinese? Yes. And what part of the world did you grow up in if you don't mind me asking? I'm born and raised in Canada.

Okay. Yeah. And so what was it like like siblings? I have one older sibling. He's my brother. Yeah. Okay. And can you tell me a little bit about your parents? They moved here when I was born because there was like the one child law in China. So they had my brother. They moved here. And they worked a lot of just like odd jobs because they weren't like super educated. They just graduated high school, so they worked a lot of, like, different odd jobs. And they used to have, like, a convenience store and stuff. And then afterwards, like, you know, just a lot of different odd jobs, like security jobs and, like, you know, things and things like that. Yeah.

Like they, and what was it like kind of, can you tell me a little bit about, like, what life at home was like? It was Honestly, like it was just very normal feeling to me I remember Actually, my parents cared a lot more about how I did in piano Than I did in regular school Which is really funny because I remember like

I used to get like 80s Which is not that great You know, compared to like what other people might expect You know you want like 90s and stuff But they didn't really care Whether I got 80s or 90s they cared whether I practiced piano or not. And what was it like?

How did it feel? When would they be satisfied with how much you practiced? Like, do you remember any days where, like, they were upset with you or maybe you didn't want to practice and they were like they really wanted you to practice? Sorry, I don't know why I'm feeling emotional. Anyways, um. Pause? I think I'll. Don't answer my question.

What are you feeling? I think like thinking about this topic makes me feel like just bad in general. But I also feel like I need to talk about it. Yeah. So let's set a couple of boundaries, right? So the first thing is that should you talk about it at some point? Probably. It doesn't have to be here.

It doesn't have to be now. It doesn't have to be public. Right. So if at some point you get to a point where you don't really feel comfortable talking about it, Like we can just pause and watch cat videos together. And at the same time, I think it is important. And I think there's a reason why we're talking about it. So when we start to talk about it, what about this makes you feel bad?

I think it's just, I never feel like it's enough, at least for myself. Yeah. Yeah. And so, you know, just to kind of lay this out, when I ask you about practicing piano and your parents being satisfied, I'm guessing that they sort of made you feel like it wasn't enough. I think it was always like, like, you know, you need to practice more. You need to practice more. And it was it was the same throughout like my whole entire life, I guess. It wasn't only my parents, but like my teachers, my professors.

Because I ended up doing it in university too. I have a degree in piano. So it was always like, are you not practicing like four to six hours a day of piano? You know, it was like, it was always like that. Did you feel like you had to practice more than other people who were more talented than you were? Sometimes. I think there was just like a, like a, like a. like an average amount that everybody should have been practicing regardless.

And then obviously, you know, there are some peers who were better than me. And so, you know, you have to make up for it with hard work. Yep. That's just natural, right? Especially with something like piano where it's very, it's very just, you know, a lot of practice, a lot of like motor memory and like physical, like, you know, technique and stuff like that. Do you, so I'm going to ask, like for specific memories now.

Okay? So like do you remember particular times growing up where can you just tell us a story about like, you know, whether your parents were okay with you getting 80s or wanting you to practice? Like does stuff come to mind? Do you have any like strong memories around things there? It doesn't have to be good. I guess it was like a really short memory, I guess. Yeah.

But it was pretty. It's something that I can recall very clearly. the one day I came back home from school during high school and you know I take out that brown envelope that has you know my grades in it I take it out and then I was like hey mom and dad like oh I got a 90 in this or like I got an 85 and this and they're like okay go practice piano you know it was like they really didn't care about my grades because I guess they knew that I they kind of knew like what my grades generally were all the time.

and they just didn't really care about that. They just wanted me to practice piano. And did you care about your grades? I did for the most part, but I remember that, like, I was just one of those students where I felt like I didn't need to do too much, but just enough in school to get, like, my 80s,

and then I would just go practice piano. But I also remember there was, like, a point in my life where I was just like, I don't want to practice anything. thing anymore. So I just started gaming. That's, that's why I started gaming, actually. Hmm. Yeah. And do you remember how you felt? Like, tell me more about the feeling of I don't want to practice anymore. It was just, I don't know, I think I was just going through like, you know, the rebellious phase where the, my parents were like, do this, no kind of thing.

I just got really sick and tired of listening to them. So I just, I was just like, I'm not. And I, I, remember distinctively telling them, like, the more you tell me the practice, the more I'm not going to practice. I said those exact words to them. And how did they respond? They just got mad. I mean, they used to like, you know, they, they never did any like, like physical beating or whatever. It was all just a lot of yelling, you know, just a lot of like, why don't you do this or like, do this, you know, go do this. Yeah. What was it like to be, to hear them yelling at you? I think after some point I just kind of let it go in one ear and out the other. Yeah, I don't know when it's when it mattered or when it stopped mattering.

I just remember I learned to like just cope with it because I was just like there's no point in talking back. I just I'll just let them, you know, yell and then afterwards it's whatever. I'll just do what I want. Can I think for a second? There's a lot here, Wendy. Okay. Much of it is very sad. Were your parents proud of you?

I think a lot of the times there were, like they were, but I don't think I've ever heard them say it until like recent years. That's good. You took the next question out of my mouth, which was sort of, you know, if they were proud, how would you have known? I guess it was just a I guess it's really arbitrary but I guess it's just a feeling it's just maybe sometimes like

oh I know the way they talk about me to relatives Yeah that's a good Yeah that's that's a really You know obvious one When they you know brag about you or whatever you know That's something that they

They could do or would do or to friends or whatever, yeah. So I'm about to make a couple of stereotypical statements about East Asian and South Asian culture. I know it applies also to, like, Nigerian culture. Yeah. Can apply to all kinds of cultures. But, you know, I tend to hear this a lot from people who are Asian. And it's sort of like, you know, they'll never tell you they're proud of you to your face,

but they'll let the rest of the world know. Yeah. Yeah. And it's kind of weird because, like, they, not only do. they not tell you to your face, they actually tell you the opposite. Yes. Right? They're like, you need to do more.

It's not enough. You need to practice more. And then as soon as they're done yelling at you to practice more, they're on the phone with their brother back in the home country talking about how awesome you are. And then as soon as they get off the phone, they hear you're not practicing and they come into your room. They're like, fuck you, practice. It's kind of weird, right?

Yeah. But it's, it's interesting because like, when I look back on it now, I know that they didn't mean harm. Yeah. And like, they very much love me and support everything that I do right now. And I think my dad especially has always understood because another, I guess another distinctive moment in my life was, after graduating my bachelor's, I was expected by my professor and my parents to go into my master's degree for piano as well. And I just remembered telling them like,

I can't. I just can't do this. It's like I, my love for piano was there, but I felt like the competition and like just the amount of work that I had to put in every single day was just too over.

bearing for me. So I told them I couldn't do my master's degree anymore. And I remember my dad telling me that he's like, you don't have to. I just want you to be happy. Yeah. And that broke me because I guess my entire life, like I felt like there was a lot of expectation. But like he told me it was okay if I didn't do it as long as I was happy. So that was like really relieving to hear. Yeah. Why did you use the word break? I guess well, half of it is like I broke into tears telling them that.

But um, or hearing that. I don't know. It's just it was against my expectation of what I thought they would like say. I thought they would say something completely different. And so, but my dad end up saying something like, completely out of my imagination. Yeah. So what do you think it broke?

My expectations. Which were what? That they would say like, no, you should do it. Or like, no, you should continue to pursue that degree. Or like, no, you should still like listen to us. Yeah. So I'm going to dive in there, okay? So we're going to put some words to it that may be painful to say.

But like, so the. that was what you were expecting them to say. Yeah. But what would, what were, what did you expect them to think about you? Like, what would be their idea of you behind those words? Um, I mean, I was mostly afraid of what, of, you know, being a failure of sorts, you know? Or like, um, wasting. or seemingly wasting like time and money because they spent a lot of that on me and

and like owning my skills. Yep. So for me to not go into it later is, I feel like it's kind of like, oh, it just feels like I wasted it in a way. Yeah. What I'm kind of hearing is, you know, that they invested a lot in you and you kind of washed out and that you weren't good enough to cut it. I can't say I wasn't good enough.

It was just I couldn't bring myself to put that effort in there anymore. Yeah. I think I've always been able to rise up to many occasions and like, you know, like jump over a lot of hurdles if I really wanted to. But I just, I was so tired of it. Yeah. It was just like really, really, really stressful for me. I'm going to just sit for a second, okay?

Mm-hmm. I'm going to just like feel some emotions because I felt a little bit broken too. Let me ask you something. How often do you talk to your parents? A lot, actually. I would say like every two, three days. Yeah. Do you talk to them on your day off?

Yes. What do you guys talk? about um it's not like we don't talk too much it's mostly just like oh how are you guys doing you know like um you know how well my mom's um health is not super great like she has a lot of arthritis and it's like always plaguing her so i ask about that um ask about what my dad's up to what they do like recreationally because they're both retired um and then i just Yeah, just mostly about how they're doing. And sometimes like small little things, like if I need to help with translations or like doctor visits and stuff like that.

Yeah. Okay. So I have a suggestion for you. Uh-huh. The next time you take a day off and you feel like you're not doing enough, I think you should talk to your dad and tell him I'm taking a day off and I feel like I'm not doing enough. and tell him what your week has been like. It's funny because my dad tells me to rest a lot. Like he's literally the person who goes like,

because he actually, I showed him my stream link this year. And so he started watching my stream a lot. He says like he watches my stream like whenever he has a chance to, even if it's like during dinner or something, he just turns it on the laptop. and there's uh i think it was like a couple weeks ago i did like a 24 hour stream and i didn't tell him i was doing a 24 hour stream but then he calls me later like a few days later he's just like you know you can't really catch up on the amount of hours you're gonna lose in sleep you know and but he didn't you can't i didn't tell him

anything about a 24 hour stream he just knew from like looking at a vaught or something um so yeah it's funny because he tells me to rest a lot he goes like no matter how much money you're making like Make sure you sleep, make sure you rest, make sure you exercise, you know. And he doesn't tell me to work hard because he knows I do. How does it feel to not hear him say that for him to tell you to rest and take care of yourself? I mean, it's nice. Like, I really appreciate my dad telling me to rest. And like, I guess it does come up in the back of it.

of my mind. I guess he's like a big factor in why I feel like I should rest. Good. So I think what we've got to do. What does it feel like to have him watch your stream while he's eating

in dinner? It's funny. I just, I think it's like endearing. It's nice. Sounds like he's proud of you. Yeah, it's weird because I told you in the past few years, it's the first time like he's told me that he's proud of me or that he loves me and stuff yeah it was weird like hearing him in a voice message say like I love you and I was like

what the heck I was like where did this come from you know but he started saying it in the recent years so you know I said it back and like I realize I don't say it to my dad either but I guess that's just like an Asian thing you know like you don't say these things to your parents or your kids, you know? Yeah. You say it to your cats. Yeah, he's saying to your cats and your dogs. How did he learn how to do that?

I don't know. It's crazy. Just like one day, he sent me a voice clip and he was just like, he was saying some stuff. And then at the end of it, he was like, I love you in English. And I was like, what? You know, I was like, oh, I love you too, dad. You know, it was like kind of awkward, but like, no. nice, but it was just one of those moments

where I was just like, whoa, where did you learn to do that? You know? Yeah. Sounds like you leveled up. Yeah. It's crazy. My dad is super into like

learning tech stuff. I feel like it hasn't even been that long since I like, you know, helped him with the computer and laptop and now he's like watching streams and stuff. And I was like, how? You're torrenting or like you're like streaming stuff and I was like, what? I was like, what are you doing, Dad? How do you learn this stuff? Yeah. Turns out that you can teach an old boomer new tricks. I know. Yeah. So Wendy, you know, I'm happy to,

you know, if you want to continue exploring and stuff like that, I think we can certainly do that. I feel like we've kind of hit a pretty important point. And if it's okay with you, I'll kind of lay that out, lay a couple things out and we can talk further if you want to. So the first thing is I'll double down on what I said earlier. I'm not surprised at all that your dad does tell you to rest. There's a reason why I told you, you know, call him on the days when you're beating yourself up for not doing enough. And tell him how you feel. And tell him that, you know, you feel like you're not doing enough or that you should.

should be working harder and let him, let him, so here's the thing. So you come onto the stream and then you say to me, I have trouble taking a day off. I have trouble, um, you know, if I don't, if I'm not bone tired, I feel like it's not enough. So you come to me and you make it sound, or there's an assumption that that is something that you need to fix, right? You're coming to me and you're like, hey, I want to change this about myself. Like, there's a thing. You're, can you fix it? Absolutely. But you're not the one who needs to fix it.

It's your dad who can fix it so much faster. What you can do in a hundred days, he can do in one. Because I think you just, because if he tells you, if he gives you permission of sorts and he tells you like, take it, you know, take a day off, I think it's going to like be worth. so much more. What do you think about that? Yeah, I can see that.

And so I think it's going to be like challenging for you to show him that side of you because that's the side that you've tried to keep from them, right, for like so long. And there are times that out of like desperation or at the end of your rope, you're like, I can't do my master's degree. and it's so dangerous because like that's when all of the assumptions about your parents will come to a head. And like all of the things that you sort of piece together, like you know what they're going to say because they've said it a thousand times before. But then they actually don't say it. And they kind of confound your expectations and you recognize that your parents really do love you.

So now we get to, does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah. Your dad is going to teach you how to rest because he taught you how to not rest, right? Your parents taught you that. So like this is where they have to teach you the other thing. So I'm going to say some things and this is going to paint your parents in sort of a bad light. I don't think it's, but I think it, so I think we have to understand that even the best parents are going to like not be perfect and are

going to do things to their kids that their kids then have to like struggle with and grow. Like that's just life. You know, my parents are both wonderful and they also did a number on me in different ways. That's just how it is. So here's what I, how I understand kind of what happened with you. I mean, I think, you know, it's interesting because when you grew up, like it sounds like your parents really emphasized piano. And as you joked, I went to two schools.

But I think there's a lot there about, you know, like them really pushing you. you and wanting you to be something and sort of creating in your mind a standard that you have to live up to. And then there was always this sort of message of, it's not enough. Are you practicing? You need to practice more. And you tried every which way to deal with that, right? You tried to practice more.

And I'm not really hearing that they ever said, good job today. You practiced enough. So even though you kind of practice as much as you can, it's. It's not enough. And then like, it hurts to give everything you've got and not get a thumbs up from the people that you're trying to make happy, right? And then it hurts too when you do do a good job and where there may have been things that you're proud of. And like even if you can't win at piano, like, at least you got a 90. And then you come and you show your parents and like you're like, hey, I did something.

And they're like, we don't care. Right. And so you're kind of like growing up, you're sort of like, there's no way for you to win this battle. There's no way for you to get approval. And so like this thing starts to grow within you that like you're not enough. And it's not enough. And no matter what you do, it's not enough. So you try to make them happy. It doesn't work. You try to show them things that you're proud of. It doesn't work. And so somewhere along the way you lose your voice, right? Like you can't speak to them. They don't listen. There's no. point in speaking. There's just kind of putting your head down and like, you know, pounding away. Like, there's, doesn't matter what you think or what you feel or what you say. That's a really painful and difficult place to be. And when kids lose their voice, they stop listening. Because why do we stop listening to people? It's because what we say doesn't matter. You know, it's kind of weird. So then you learned how to in one ear and out the other. Because what used to happen in, in one ear, changes something in here, and then you'd try something new.

They tell you, Wendy, you need to practice more. And then you'd get home from school and you'd practice for six hours a day. And it wouldn't make a difference. And so, like, if you started being, you know, there's a coping mechanism ignoring what they're saying, it's because you can't win that game. So you're like not going to play it anymore. And then you get teenage rebellion and they don't really understand what's going on. and they think you're being defined and stuff like that and all that kind of good stuff.

You know, there's not really, you lose a voice. They don't really show pride in your work. You don't really show pride in your work. Like, it's mind-boggling. You call yourself pretty okay at piano. You went to piano conservatory. I can guarantee you you're in, you know, in the general population. You're in like one in the 10,000 people in terms of piano skill.

Right? Like, I'm almost 100% sure of that statistic. are you a professional? No, but there are thousands and tens of thousands of amateurs out there. But like you don't know how to have pride. I think this has changed. But in some ways, especially when it comes to piano, you have difficulty having pride in your work. Right? Because you weren't taught. Like your parents didn't show you how to have pride in your work. All they showed you was how your work isn't enough. And so you carry that with you. And so, now what I'm hearing is that like that's what that was the formula for success that your parents

taught you there's a lot of other stuff here like the odd jobs that they worked the sacrifices they had to make the investment that they made in you there's like a whole like thing there you know of expectation and not being good enough and like because there it's a lot right like they made they did a lot and so living up to that expectation, every sacrifice they made, every odd job they worked, every time that they ran into trouble and still paid for you to go to conservatory, raises the bar of expectation and like increases the weight on your shoulders. And that's weight that you carry with you, despite your successful at streaming, even though your dad kind of clearly loves you, your parents

clearly love you, you know, they clearly support you. They clearly are interested in you. And it's so strange because it's like, well, doesn't that fix things? And the answer is no. Because he loves you today. But what you really need to do is like go into the past and recognize that each of those painful moments, he loved you then too, even though you didn't know it. And then we get to like the next big swath of stuff that's challenging. And this is tough is that your parents may have made mistakes. and I don't think that you were willing to let them make mistakes. I don't think that it's possible for you to criticize them. I don't think it's possible for you to say to yourself, I needed them to be like proud of me when I was seven and they weren't.

And like I needed to hear like it broke you when your dad told you I loved you. And like he needed to tell you that a long time ago. Right. And we can, this is where things get really, really, like, tricky because we can, not in a, this is tricky, but like, that's just a truth, right? It doesn't have to come with blame, but like, it has to come with accountability. Like, we can forgive him because he didn't know how to do that back then. And like, he didn't, they didn't know better. And they learned and we can appreciate them. But the damage back then was still done. And like, you can't. heal that hurt until you recognize that, like, that damage was done. So this is where things get really, really tricky because, like, you're going to feel guilty for sort of blaming him because he did so much for you, because they sacrificed so much for you.

But, like, you still have to do that because then you can really forget, like, you can put everything in context, but you can't ignore your experience because that's where the real healing happens. Does that make sense? Yes. So I think kind of just to sort of wrap things up, I mean, we can still talk more if you want to in questions, but like just to kind of like kind of finish up where we are right now. You know, I think you carry this not being good enough with you and you like, you slung that on your back like a long time ago. And if you kind of think about it, like you're clear.

I think you're confident and you're probably proud of what you do now like on a relatively daily basis. I wouldn't be surprised. So then that gets confusing because like how can you be proud today and still feel like you're not good enough today? And the reason is because that not good enough is not from today. It's from a decade ago. Right. So like when your dad started telling you, I love you, like that damage stops. And he's like proud of you.

And you like know that. And that's why it's so fucking confusing about like why. Like I'm confident in myself. My dad loves me. My parents are proud of me. Why do I feel like I'm not good enough? Shouldn't that balance itself out? And unfortunately, that's just not how the mind works.

You have to go kind of back in time and like, like even talk. This is challenging, but like even talk to your parents about, you know, like when I was growing up, like, like asking hard questions. Like, were you proud of me? It's going to be a question that breaks him because like he's going to feel your pain. It's going to be a lot of tears and stuff like that. But it's like, it's like a question that you need to ask and it's an answer that you need to hear. Yeah. right it's just hard to fit i gotta get some things

okay yeah um anyway yeah yeah and then like oh man I went into this day

I mean I went into this today and I was like I don't want to cry I don't want to cry but I know talking about this is going to make me like really emotional but yeah yeah yeah yeah right and and that's the thing Wendy is like

the thing that makes me the most sad about this is that you don't really have to hang on to that anymore, right? Because your dad does love you guys just need to like talk about it. And like, you need to hear those words because like there's, you know, a 12 year old little Asian kid who's like going to piano conservatory. Like she needs to hear those words. Right. And like she deserves to hear those words. Because like, you know, like adult Wendy, high level Wendy, end game Wendy, like she's a beast. But, you know, that other little girl like needs to hear that. Yeah, I never thought about the fact that it might be that actually.

Or the thought that it might be from my piano days, I guess. I guess it's so, it's like, when I think about it, it's like, it's kind of like behind me in a sense, because I really haven't engaged in a lot of that in a long time. I play it for fun now, which is actually nice because, you know, I just play it whatever I want, whatever I want, however much I want. And that's nice. And it's like so, almost so far put behind me that I never think that that is what's affecting me still today. Yeah.

And I think the real question there is like, on those days when you're relaxing, how old were you when you felt that I'm not doing enough and I should be doing more? Does it smell look and taste like what you felt when you were seven or 10 or 15 or 16? I guess it's similar. Yeah. I don't know. I think when I was younger too, there's just. it's different now because there's nobody pushing me but myself. Yep.

But when I was young or younger, there was, you know, my professors and my parents. But now it's like, I know that if I don't push myself, nobody's really going to push me. But I realize I push myself a lot. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And how do you, so how do you know when, oh, God, I'm bleeding? Oh, God. How do you know when you've pushed yourself enough?

I don't... I don't know when I push myself enough or too much. I just... I just remember waking up for the past, like, at least half a year or more, where I'm just like, every day, it's like... I wake up. All right, eat, get ready. Stream, go. Like, that's literally, like...

I don't think I really have a lot of, like... just spare time to do whatever. I just know that I wake up and I should work. I think that's me. Yeah. So there's also, are you familiar with Chinese medicine or Ayurveda? Chinese medicine in like what sense? Like are you familiar with like any of the principles of Chinese medicine TCM?

Oh, no. Okay. So I think the other interesting thing is that, you know, so Ayurveda and Chinese medicine. Ayurveda is traditional Indian medicine. And there's a lot of cross-pollination in terms of concepts. Like, they kind of end up coming up with different terms, but the ideas are pretty similar. Another just kind of side thing, you can check out like some of our YouTube stuff on this, but some of that work ethic that you talk about, you're very guffa. So like this is like an element. Like so in Eastern systems of medicine, what they do is they use elements to describe people's

like personality, temperament and things like that. So, Guffas are people who have a lot of like earth element and water elements. So they tend to be very, very resilient, very, very hardworking, have large stamina pools. The tricky thing that they get into is that because they have such, because they're so resilient, they tend to tolerate negative situations far longer than they otherwise would. Right. So like people who have like smaller HP pools will like sit in. burning lava for a very small amount of time. Whereas, like, people with large HP pools are like, oh, I'm taking a bunch of

a damage every round, but I've got like a thousand hit points. So it's like not that big of a deal. I'm just going to hang out here. And so, you know, it's something that people on our stream sometimes we talk about. But I think it's like kind of interesting because, you know, I would imagine that follow through and perseverance are not problems for you. Yes. That's, I think that's like, you know, those, you know those tests that go like, oh,

Describe your personality in like five words. I think like, I think I've used perseverance like a lot. Yep. Yeah. So that's classic guffa, right? So a couple things, Wendy, for you to. So sometimes it takes longer for me to feel like I understand like where stuff is coming from from someone. I think you were just so authentic and open that it like really came together quick.

So I'm talking about a couple other random things now if that's okay. Okay. Yeah. So the first thing is that you've got to be careful. about a couple of things. One is that that feeling of not good enough. So in terms of how hard do you push yourself, I would say that you probably push yourself

to the point of like a decent amount of feeling not good enough. Yeah. And I know it's kind of weird. Like, you know, you think that the more you push yourself, the more good about yourself you feel. But for you, it's the other way around. And you know, because like you know that in order to do a good job, you have to feel not good enough.

What do you think about that? Yeah, I guess. It's kind of weird, okay? Yeah. But like this is where like when you decide to stop pushing yourself is based on these weird internal feelings. Like when is streaming enough, it has nothing to do with numbers and metrics and this is how much I need to. It has to do an internal feeling of, okay, I'm fucking exhausted, which means I probably did a decent job today. like I need to keep pushing myself until like I really get into a place where like, okay, I don't feel like I'm good enough.

I'm really like pushing myself. You're like cracking the whip. And then you're like, okay, oh, who. You know, I'm finally like cracking the whip really, really hard and flagellating myself. So like as long as I'm beating myself up this much, like I'm probably going to work good enough and it'll end up okay. So I encourage you to just sort of play around with that, see if that's true or not. a couple things to think about is sometimes these dynamics can pop up in like romantic relationships. So, you know, if you start to feel like you're not good enough in romantic relationships or things like that, like you have to be careful because like you said, you know, you didn't realize it, you know, went back to your piano days because your piano days are behind you. You just carry them with you. Absolutely. And for Gaffas, too, you have to be careful because a lot of times the relationships. relationship problems that Guffis fall into is that they end up in unhealthy relationships for far

too long. And especially like there's a particular vulnerability here where like you could feel like you're not good enough when actually you're doing fine. And the person you're dating is probably should be better. But you're so used to like not being good enough that maybe some of that stuff can start to like pop up again. I think that was very like apparent. me in the past.

Yeah. Like in past relationships that I had, definitely. And I guess it doesn't help that like every guy that I've dated cheated on me. So it doesn't help that not good enough thing. But yeah. It was very apparent. Like I was in a lot of relationships that I stayed for too long. Yep.

Yeah. So I mean, I'm happy to hear you say was. And I think this is kind of weird. But like every time your dad tells you he's proud of you. that is going to shrink. And as you become more confident in yourself, like there may be an echo of this, but, but, you know, like every time that happens,

like literally, like, talk to your dad on your day off and tell him you don't feel good enough and he's going to tell you that he's proud of you, you're wonderful, he loves you, you deserve to rest, he's going to say all that stuff to you. And then, like, your next relationship is going to be healthier. Yeah. Questions?

Thoughts? Um, not at the moment. I'm just, I'm just thinking about how to have a conversation with my dad. It's just, uh, it's going to be, it's going to be weird. Yeah. Yeah, I think it'll be good. Penny for your thoughts there. Like what, what are you thinking about how to have a conversation with your dad?

Um, like, just like, I guess how to, how to, tell him? Yeah. Because I think like I part of me also like I don't want to worry him but I realize like I do have to tell him these things. So I'm going to try to help you out there a little bit. You don't want to worry him.

He's already worried. Yeah, I guess. Yeah. So this is what I want you to reframe. You need to get. give him the opportunity of comforting his worried daughter. You need to give him the, oh, sorry, like his, you know, the daughter he's worrying about. You need to give him the opportunity to, like, make it better.

That's what you really owe him. Yeah. When he sees you streaming for 24 hours and he's like, you should rest, like, he's worried about you. It's already happening. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Do you need help?

I mean, are you confident that you can come up with, like, language for, like, talking to him? I don't know. It's going to be a little weird because I grew up speaking, like, Cantonese to my parents. But then with my dad, he's, like, more fluent in English. So I end up speaking, like, this weird, like, mixture of stuff with him. But he kind of understands, like, my moonroons when I, like, mix both languages together at random parts of the sentence. So I'm just wondering, like, in my mind, like, how I'm going to piece together, uh, like if I'm going to say it in like

Cantonese or I'm going to say it in a little bit of English or like how it's going to work out. But yeah, I think it'll be okay. Yeah. It sounds like he listens to you now. Yeah. I mean, I think like both my parents, you know, listen to me. But it's just I think I've always bonded with my dad a little bit more.

I mean, I love both of them a lot. And I think in recent years I've come to talk to my mom a lot more. It's because my mom did a lot more of the yelling. And my dad did less of it. Yeah, he was always more like chill and quiet. So I guess I always like, I also played a lot more games with my dad growing up too. I didn't ever play any games with my mom. What kind of games?

Oh, we played like, I don't know, like Tetris and like chess and, you know, board games and stuff together. And we would watch TV shows together, like kids' TV shows like Arthur and Magic School Bus and stuff together, you know. Like my dad loved Pingu. You know, it's just like, it's just one of those. Oh, Pingu's like this, this penguin. It's a stop motion penguin animation.

That was like really popular in my childhood. Yeah, it's interesting. You know, I think dads have special relationships with their daughters. I'm sure they have special relationships with their sons too, but I have two daughters, and so I, you know, it's different. I'm different with them than my wife is. Right. Yeah, I'm kind of at a loss as to what to talk about now. Yeah, for me, I was just mostly trying to find out, like, I guess why I felt so bad when I took my days off.

Yeah. Yeah. I guess the other thing is, I guess it might be related as just constantly chasing for more. But that might just relate to, you know, not feeling like it's not enough. So they kind of come hand in hand, I think. Yeah. And that might be in terms of like numbers too, you know, like for streaming or like anything. Yeah.

So I think that that is actually a little bit more complicated. So I think certainly they're related. But I think a lot of that has to do with just being a streamer in general. Yeah. And just, you know, there's like this, there's a effect of platforms on our psychology. And some of that of like always needing to grow and sort of the sentiment of like, if I'm not growing, I'm dying. You know, and you can't take a break because like, you know, it's like steady, content and like this is like it's not so I do wonder about God, I should really think about

this now. I wonder if we should do a study about this. But like there's so many streamers that we've talked to that were like, you know, had parents that were like fundamentally unsatisfied or like weren't able to display pride or satisfaction with their kids. Yeah. And and just I it never crossed my mind until now that like I wonder if that's actually part of what makes you guys successful because you guys do you know like like that feeling of not being good enough like pushes you yeah it'd be an interesting sort of like personality analysis like study but um I think some of that stuff is just you know it's just how what social media and stuff like that does to us so it's like I mean, if you want to, you know, hear me be Professor Andy, I can like talk more about, you know, like go into a quick explanation of how that works.

But my experience is basically that we have like personal psychological stuff that then meets the influence of the internet. And that the influence, like, we've always had the psychological stuff, but now we have the internet which sort of like amplifies or even like praise on some of our vulnerabilities that like everyone is always always. had. And then we end up with something that we haven't ended up with before, which is like the psychological stuff. Like, you know, everyone's had, I mean, Asian parents have existed since the dawn of time. Yeah. And then you take Asian parents and then you throw in Twitch and then you're actually rare, Wendy,

because I, you know, I don't, I don't know how many. Usually it's like through therapy and a lot of effort on the kids parts to like get their parents to tell them, I love you. like they have to be taught like I don't know like your dad yeah I don't know my I don't know my parents evolved yeah like Pokemon but like they literally but I I don't know I guess my parents are like or my yeah my dad is like especially woke it's really weird because like he tells me all these things that he thinks about and then he he kind of like realized and then he'll tell me these things sometimes and I'll be like it's weird hearing it from him because

Yeah, because it's just like, this is very against like traditional Asian culture, you know? And so I always call my parents like hippies because like there's so much more like relaxed or more like understanding than a lot of parents that I've seen or like have heard about. And so every time I just think about my dad is like, what the heck is going on, you know? Yeah. But it's really good to see too. And it's really nice. So yeah. Yeah, I think, you know, there is an Asian dad Pokemon.

It starts out as security guard form and then goes into convenience store owner form. And then winds up his woke Asian dad in touch with his feelings. A woke Asian dad. Which is the Charzard of Asian dads. Uh-huh. Woke Asian dad uses, I love you. Oh, God. Wendy begins to cry.

Very effective. Yes, very effective. Oh, God. Yeah. Oh, that's really funny. Yeah. Yeah, I, it's weird because I feel like there's, I guess there's two types of people, right? Like, there's the people who they tell themselves like, oh, they're not good enough.

And then they don't do anything because it's like crippling. And then there's just, I guess there's people like me who, if I say like I'm not good enough, well, I should do more. Like I need to do instead of like just not do anything. That's a really cool observation. What do you think separates those two people? Why do you think one is? I don't know like why someone becomes one or the other. And I found like I talk to some of my friends, you know, some of them are very much like I feel like crap.

Now I'm not going to do anything. And then for me, it's like I really wish I could give them some of my energy and be like, I think you'll feel better if you do something rather than not doing anything at all. And yeah, I don't know what makes us do one or the other. I don't know if you have any insight on that. I've never thought about it like that, but I love where you're going with this. I wonder if it's the presence of someone that you want to do it for. Like a motivation. Yeah.

Like you want to make your parents proud, which no matter how hard you try never happens, which I know sounds bleak. Yeah. And then because I have talked to some people who, you know, don't feel good enough, but I don't think they ever, I mean, their parents really more would tend to be more toxic. So it's like, like, you know, their parents would tell them you're not good enough, like to their face. and it's sort of like, like at least in your case, it's almost like some people have a parent, like a parent that sort of like, you know, holds up a standard that they push their kid to meet

and it's so impossible that you never meet it, but they still hold you to that standard and push you towards it. Whereas some parents just tell their kids that they're not good enough and they don't expect, maybe it's the expectation of a parent that's different. Yeah, I guess it is like expectations. Yeah, like they expect you. to do it. And you can be disappointing to them, absolutely. But at least they expect it of you. And some parents just, you know, think their kid isn't good enough and don't expect anything out of

them. And then that's actually why they don't do anything because once you don't believe you're capable of anything, then there's no point in trying. Whereas like, there's still this idea that you have that like if you work hard enough, you'll get there one day. But some people believe that they're just not capable. So, you know, when they talk about motivation, like, so I see this a lot where a lot of motivation or problems with motivation, they say I lack motivation, is really hopelessness underneath. Because if you're never going to succeed, there's no point in trying. And so you have to tackle that, you know, lack of expectation of capability of yourself. Maybe that's it. I don't know. It's a great observation on your part, though. Sounds. Yeah, sounds like that.

Yeah, too. Yeah. It's very eye-opening. Yeah. I don't really talk about this stuff much. No one does. Yeah. It's a lot of like diving into why, why and why.

Yep. Oh, yeah. And you don't always know why. Yeah. Yeah. So I think that's where, you know, a big part of like my journey. was just asking myself why, why and why. And this is where I spent some time sort of training to become a monk. And they, that's what we do. Like when you train, like, you know, you meditate.

And then like, like, you ask yourself, like, why do I have a desire for this thing? Why do I have a desire for this thing at this moment? Why am I feeling bad today? Like, so it's sort of like an internal exploration. You know, you're mapping out the. inner world instead of like mapping out the outer world, which it sounds like your dad is pretty good at. He's, a few months ago, he told me, he's like, he's like, ah, when you go older, you stop caring about a lot of stuff. And I was like, oh, he's just like, you'll, you'll understand when you get here. And I mean, he's just, I don't, like, he's old, like, he's older. He's not like a grandpa yet, I guess. But, I mean, he's like 65. So, you know, like 66, retirement.

age. But he's like, you really stop caring about a lot of stuff when you get to my age. He's like, all those things that you're feeling right now, like, you probably won't feel a lot of it in 40 years or 30 years. And my woke Asian dad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm really loving woke Asian dad. Yeah. It sounds like your dad is developing detachment. or Vairagya in Sanskrit,

which is like distance between feelings and things in the world and like how, you know, how much it pisses you off. So one of the other qualities of the final form of the Asian dad. The final form. Yeah, I think I'm still very angry at random things. Definitely not detached at all. Yeah. Yeah.

So as your dad said, dad uses skill wise words. And, you know, he says he'll get there one day. Yeah. Oh, that's so funny. Yeah, Wendy, like I said, you know, usually this takes longer, but I think you've really opened up and seemed simple today or clear to me. Yeah, I don't. I'm not.

Like, I'm super okay with talking about feelings. It's just I don't like always talk about them. But I mean, like, I'm really open about talking about feelings. So it's like if anybody asks me anything, you know, it's like I'll just say it as it is. Yeah. I think it's, it's great. I think it's, you know, that's a lot of people tend to, you know, be open to answering. But we all feel uncomfortable about volunteering.

Yeah. Right? Because it's like, it's kind of weird because like people are open books, but like you've got to crack the cover. You know, they're willing to be open and transparent, but someone has to express interest. And I think part of the tricky thing is that nowadays, like it's, you know, it's polite to not inquire. And when we don't ask, like, if we see someone crying, we don't like go over to them and ask like, what's wrong? you know, because we like want to respect their privacy, but then they feel isolated. It's kind of like a, we get stuck between like a rock and a hard place. I guess I really want or I'm actually usually the person that inquires. Like if I see any signs of someone being sad, I'll like, I'll message them and be like, are you okay? That's really wonderful.

If they need an ear or like, yeah, stuff like that. I think that makes a world a better place. Yeah, I definitely wish everybody can be kind to one another. Yeah. How's your brother doing? Oh, I guess he's good. I mean, we don't really talk much, and I wish we'd talk more, but he's good. He's good.

He's in China, and he does, like, teaching and stuff, English teaching. But I haven't seen him in years. What's that like? I mean, it sucks. The thing is, like, my brother and I have a huge age gap, and it's only my brother and I. Like, my parents only have two kids. Like, he's 10 years older than me, exactly 10 years. So growing up, it was, like, of a pretty crazy dynamic because it was, like, I was 4.

He was 14, you know? I was 10, he was 20 He was already like practically gone by the time I was in my teenage years Because he had to go to college and then go to like He did some like training like student teacher training and like China and stuff And he always really liked teaching there So he did a lot of traveling. I didn't see him for a long time

I remember like him coming back after a trip and he was like whoa you grew a lot You know and I was like yeah I did So does he have you said your parents your parents don't have grandparents, so I'm assuming he doesn't have children. And neither do you? Yes, neither of us have children. And so he's been in China for what sounds like years,

so he's like settled there? Yes. Yeah, he's definitely settled there. He wanted to visit in recent years, but then COVID and whatnot. So, yeah, he didn't end up coming back. And then I never really go there either, so we just haven't seen each other in a while.

Besides, like... Happy birthday. Merry Christmas and happy New Year's, you know, like through Texas, we don't really talk too much, yeah. Maybe someone else to reach out to on your off days. Yeah. Yeah. The time's no difference is a little weird, but. Maybe you can trick yourself into thinking you're being productive by reaching out to your brother.

Yeah. Somebody I could definitely reach out too. So Wendy, um, Sometimes on stream we teach meditation. Are you interested in learning that? Yeah. I'm down. Let me think.

Have you had any experience with meditation? I've followed your stream a little bit here and there, but that's about it. Yeah. I think I've done a breathing one before, a long time ago in, like, choir. I don't know, my choir instructor was, like, breathe in for this many counts, and breathe out for this many counts. Just close your eyes and stuff. Yeah.

I'm trying to think about whether we should do a meditation around sound or a meditation around breath. Or we can do both because you are musically oriented. Okay. I've got one for you. Okay. So I'm going to give you. I'm going to give you kind of a task of sorts. Oh, hold on.

Let me think about this. We're going to do this. Give me just a second. Okay. Okay, this is going to sound kind of weird, okay? So what I want you to do is I'm going to put forth a hypothesis, and I want you to test it. Okay. Okay.

So the hypothesis is that the letter U is at the end of any sound that you can make. okay okay so if we think about like what what sound does the letter B make B or B sorry yeah right so so so B uh huh yeah I was like what does B uh B

okay so so that but then what I want you to also do is is listen to the sound B and see if you can find an uh at the end of that so close your eyes and you can try saying it, B. B. And just really pay attention to the end of it. Okay. I'm trying to pay attention to the E sound.

So after the E, there's another sound, even when you say B. B. I don't get it. Okay. That's okay. It's just, it's a poorly explained technique. Okay. Let me, let's try something else.

Uh-huh. Let me think. Let me think. Let me think. Okay. I've got another technique for us to try, okay? Okay. So this is going to be sort of like a rotating,

uh, it's going to be like a rotating awareness technique. So what I want you to do is we're going to take deep breaths. And what I want you to do is kind of imagine that the breath is going in through your nose up to the top. of your head and as you inhale goes all the way down the back of your spine. And as you exhale, so as you hit the, you know, the tailbone, as you exhale, the breath kind of comes via the pubis and then over the navel through the chest and then out the nose. Okay. So as we inhale, we're going to rotate our attention. I'm giving you hard techniques. I don't know why I should

probably be giving introductory stuff, but, you know, you're such a hard worker and talented. and all that good stuff. So breathe in and then kind of follow it up and then around the back of your spine. And as you finish your breath, you should be at your tailbone. And as you exhale over the pubis, through the navel,

through the heart, through the base of the throat. And then, actually, I guess this is a little bit complicated. Also back up here and then out the nose. Okay. Okay.

And so along the back, what you want to do is, you know, start here, go to the top of your head, sort of the, you know, the base of your throat. So like the part of your spine that is opposite your throat, the part of your spine that is behind your heart, the part of your spine that is opposite your navel, your tailbone, and then up the front. Does that make sense? Yes. Okay. So sit up straight. Close your eyes. and I'll run you through the breaths at the beginning.

So I'm going to do three rounds while I'll walk you through them. And then you're going to do five more on your own, okay? So go ahead and exhale to begin with. And then through your nose, breathe in. Slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly. It goes up to the top of your head along the back of your throat, down past your heart, down past your navel and into your tailbone. and as you exhale across the pubis, over the navel,

through the heart, base of your throat, up to your eyebrows, and then out your nose. And now we're going to go again. Okay, eyes closed. Breathe in, up to the crown of your head, back of your throat, behind your heart, behind your navel, bottom of the tailbone, and then exhale.

Pubis, navel, front of your heart, base of your throat, up to your eyebrows, and out. And now continue at your own pace and just as you breathe in, let your attention rotate in that circuit. We're going to do, we're going to practice for about 60 seconds, okay? What? No. No, I just, I don't have a good, time of 60 seconds. I was like, did I breathe too long or did I breathe too short? You did fine. I should have been a little bit more clear. I think something about maybe my

teaching style is off today. No, no, no, no, it's fine. What was, what was that practice like? Relaxing. It was like, yeah, it was, it was very relaxing and it was funny because I was trying to follow my air through my body. And then when it went back up to like here and then down through my nose, it like kind of tickled a little bit because I was just, yeah. Good. Kind of feeling the air. That's fantastic, right?

So the goal of meditation is to bring your attention to the present. And then sort of just is if you're sitting with an experience, that's perfectly fine. Let me ask you, I know this could be hard to understand. having done it so little, but did you feel like sometimes your breath or attention would stall at a particular place in your body? Yes, because I don't know for some reason I was like having a mental or I was like trying to follow and I was like, wait, did I go to that part? Go back.

So I was like trying to like, yeah. When you were telling me where to like where my air travels, it was like really smooth. But when I did it on my own, it was not as smooth. And do you know if there was a particular place that you would stumble around? Yeah, I guess just like the end of my breathing. So around like the spine area, like the back. The bottom of your spine? Yeah, the bottom.

Okay. And then was there, was the exhalation pretty smooth? Or would that also kind of like, were you like, you know, imagine you're driving a manual and it kind of like doesn't start quite right? Did you like stall at the bottom on your way out or was it pretty smooth on the way out? I think it stalled because I was like again, I was thinking about which part I was traveling through. But generally it's like pretty smooth. Okay, generally. But it seems like you get kind of stuck around the bottom.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay, yeah, keep doing it. Not now, but just in general. Oh, okay. So I think, you know, you know, you. You can try this technique out. I would say do it for three to five minutes a day, ideally every day,

but I think you can start with like three days a week. You know, I think eventually what you want to do, so the science on meditation suggests that if you can practice 20 minutes a day for three days a week, that's the minimum required to really like literally rewire your brain. so like stress indicators and things like that will improve. But if you can do 20 minutes a day, five days a week, that's totally fine. You don't have to do this practice for 20 minutes. So you can do this for three to five.

You know, check out our other YouTube videos or, you know, reach out to me at some point if you have more questions about meditation or things like that. Yeah. Do you, oh, sorry. Do you have a recommendation on when you should do them or like, is it like, when you wake up, like, before you sleep. So meditation is the most fruitful at dawn and dusk. Oh, okay.

So I don't know if you're up at dawn, but if you're in Canada. I'm definitely up. Yeah. Because you're up late or up early? Yeah, up late. Okay. Haven't slept yet. So I would say, you know, when dawn rolls around, then, you know, you'll, that's when

it's the most fruitful. The other thing that's a little bit tricky, I don't know if you noticed, but one of your nostrils is going to be more closed than the other. Can you tell which one? This one's more open. My right nostrils are closed at my left. At the moment of dawn or dusk, both of them will open up. And it's fucking weird. I know.

So if you can do that practice during the period of time where they're both open, then it'll be the most fruitful. Sorcery Yeah Yeah Oh okay I'll try it I'll try it Yeah just try it

Yeah You'll be It's one of the weirdest fucking things in the universe Okay I don't quite understand it But there's something about Being in rhythm with the universe

I don't know how any of that shit works It's just weird It used to be my alarm clock It's like Oh Okay But anyway Any other questions

Cool No, I think I'm good. So one last thing, Wendy, you know, it may be worthwhile for you to see a therapist. I don't know if you ever have, but if you want to like, if you find that this is really a problem, like not a bad idea to work with someone, you can also work with, I'm not really seeing a huge need for, you know, therapy. I'm not hearing anything that I think is clinically concerning. You know, I don't diagnose people over the internet. So, you know, that being said.

but, you know, you can certainly work on this stuff if you feel like you do want someone to talk to. You can also sign up for our creator coaching program, which thankfully Twitch is sponsoring. So Twitch has decided, are you a partner on? Yes. Okay. So if you're a partner, it's available to you and coaches can kind of help you work through some of the stuff a little bit more. Two other things to kind of think about. Okay?

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you for coming on. you know, being so authentic and open, it was like, and also insightful, because something about, I don't know, it was just easy today. You felt like, like something. Oh, that's, I'm glad. I don't want to be a difficult guest. I mean, I don't know that anyone, well, actually, that's not true.

Some people actually. Oh, no one is difficult. That's bullshit. Some people are fucking pain in the ass. But, you know, that's not their problem. That's my problem. But you certainly weren't. You're pleasant and delightful and good luck to you.

You know, I hope you do well. And seriously, like, tell your dad how you feel. And let him do, let him give him the opportunity to like make you feel better because that's, you know, you owe that to him. And you can make him so happy. Speaking as a father, there's nothing that makes me happier than making my. daughter feel better when she's hurting. Like that's like what I exist for at this point, right? So give him that opportunity.

And don't worry about burdening him because he knows. I can see you're going to cry again. Speaking from a dad. Yeah, we know. Yeah, we know. All right. Yeah. And now you can have a go have a good cry in private.

All right. Take care and thanks a lot. You too. Bye. Ah, yes. Let us raid Ligma Anus.