HealthyGamerGG - How to be Happy with LilyPichu

Episode Date: March 12, 2020

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Um, yeah, so, uh, let me just, okay, so can you, You were talking about Myers-Briggs and I got really excited. Yeah, we can talk about Myers-Briggs. Do you like Myers-Briggs? Can we? Oh my gosh, I love Myers-Briggs. Sure. What, um, what do you love about Myers-Briggs?

Um, I really like it because, for me, it's like a gateway to talk about yourself and other people. Yeah, absolutely. Do you know what your Myers-Briggs type is? Yeah, I always get INFP. Yep. Sounds about right. What about you? I am, uh, I and T, P.

Makes sense. Yeah, so I, I think, um, I definitely make sense. You're not very, like, neither of us are sort of rigorous or hardcore, which makes us more P's than J's. And then, um, I think the big difference between us is that you're an F and I'm a T. Feeling and... Thinking. thinking right yeah um so how have you been and we could talk more about Myers-Briggs but i've been good much better yeah life's pretty good awesome i'm happy to hear that um what's

what's changed um well okay there were like two things since the last time we talked that really stood out to me personally. Okay. And I think one of them was, you said I was like a sponge. Mm-hmm. And learning that was kind of useful, like, oh, okay, this is just how I am. And I think it's more important that I learn what to do afterwards. Yep.

Which was really cool. And I didn't, I didn't know what empath or whatever the heck that was. So I looked that up too and all that stuff. And the second thing was, um, You said you thought it was like a waste if I never found love again or something like that or I never tried or something like that along those lines, right? Okay. Yeah. So, yeah, I'm trying.

Okay. Which is cool. Okay, cool. Yeah. So I was thinking maybe we could talk a little bit since you're feeling better. I think a lot of times what this stream is focused on is helping people who are down kind of come back to baseline. but I think what is just as important is like exploring how like where goodness and life comes from. So we spend a lot of time talking about where badness comes from.

Right. So like trauma and people hurt you and this and that. But like I think it's just as important to understand like where does goodness come from and how can you build like goodness into your life? Okay. So you say that things are better. And can you help me understand a little bit about, you know, how those two things about sort of you know for lack I'm trying to figure out how to say this without sounding cheesy but I can't do it so not giving up on love for lack of a deter.

So I'm trying to figure out how can I say that but that's and then also like like recognition that you're kind of a sponge and that you absorb and this kind of this interesting thing about being a sponge is that like actually helps the people around you because you you kind of take some of their negative energy. And it makes you kind of a good friend, but it actually costs you a lot to do that. But so help me understand a little bit about those two aspects, those two things that we talked about. And have those been kind of like active in a part of your life?

Or have you changed the way that you've started to live because of those? I have accepted myself more. So, you know, throughout my life, people have always told me you're too sensitive or you're you're too emotional things like that. I started to, I guess, yes, I am very sensitive. I am very emotional. I do take in literally everything around me and kind of acknowledging that help me, I guess. Yeah, awesome, man.

And sometimes, like, I still don't know how to deal with it, I guess. Yep. It's not perfect. Sometimes I still get really upset over, like, stupid, stupid things. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. How do you do that?

How do you, like, what does that mean, acknowledge it? What does that tell, because that's, there's good stuff in there. Um, I used to think it was not a good quality, I guess. Like, oh, I am really emotional. I do take a lot of things in, um, personally. And I didn't know how to like just stop it. Yeah. I don't think it's possible to stop it.

Yep. Um, so by just acknowledging that this is just who I, am and I need to learn how to work around that instead of trying to change myself for no reason, I guess. Yeah, beautifully said. And I'm just going to kind of repeat back what I heard. So I think, I think Lily, like, this is exactly what we're here for. My mission in life is to try to help people understand that instead of trying to live a life of

someone that they're not, live your life with all of your advantages and all of your disadvantages. And what I see people doing time and time and time again is imagine you're playing poker. Do you play poker? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay. So, so like, you know, I think what I see people doing is like you're dealt a certain hand in poker. And what people try to do is they spend their entire life wishing that they had a different hand and then trying to change their hand into someone else's hand. And they think that, oh, if I have like pocket, if I had pocket aces, then I would be successful because that guy over there has pocket aces. And if he's got pocket aces, then I would be fine.

Instead of playing the hand that they're dealt, which let's remember that like pocket aces doesn't always win, even though theoretically it's the best hand. You just have to play the hand that you've got. And what I really love about what you're saying is that like you're starting to do that. And I think a lot of like success and suffering. So I think suffering and happiness like that starts to tip when you start to accept for yourself for who you are. And that also leads to success because you're like,

you're trying to play a game for which you're not like built. You're trying to play other people's games. And I don't think that you're too sensitive. I don't think you're too emotional. I think you are sensitive and emotional. And that's, that's a strength and a weakness. And yeah,

I think it's wonderful that you're starting to accept yourself. But how are you able to start doing that? Because, I mean, is, does that make sense? Like, because. Yeah. I can imagine there are a lot of people who have trouble accepting things about themselves because they've been told that that thing is like not good. It definitely helped because, okay, after our first session,

I had so many people messaging me how much that helped them and like how I inspired them. And I'm like, wow, like I did that. That's pretty cool. Maybe they're onto something. You know, maybe I did help them, you know. And then just even by starting to accept it, it shifted my mentality a lot. Because instead of, I guess the first step of just accepting yourself just really helps, even if I don't do anything else. I don't know if that makes sense.

Yeah, it makes perfect sense. And it's one of the most mind-boggling things. So, like, the thing that's really confusing is when I work with a lot of people, they keep on asking, how do I change? How do I change? How do I change? And the crazy thing is like your goal is not to change. It's actually to accept the person that you are. And once you do that, like once you start accepting yourself, what happens? What changes in your mind, in your head, in your life, in your behaviors?

How does that affect you when you start to accept yourself for who you are? It feels like the first step into so bad at wording things. I just woke up. Hold on. Take your time. It feels like something positive instead of something that I have looked down on. I don't know if that makes sense. Okay.

Like, it just feels more freeing to accept that, hey, this is just, this is me, this is who I am, I'm going to live with it, and this is how it's going to be. It feels better. Yeah. Freeing. Yeah. Awesome. I'm so happy for you, Lily. Yeah, but even,

accepting is one thing too, but it's still like hard for me, I guess. I still have, you know, some, I don't know, problems,

you know, given how I am and that I stream for a living and that my life is exposed to thousands of people, it's weird. Like, my friends often joke

that I have like the worst personality to be a public, figure because I take things in so much. All the good, all the bad. Yep. And yeah, so it's something I'm so, you know, I think I'll always, it's like a path that I'll always be on. Yep.

I guess. How very zen of you. I mean, it is what it is. Yeah. Also, how very zen of you. Right? That's what Zen is all about. It is what it is.

And, right, that's what they always talk about. So I think that's what you're what you're, so the other thing that we. So the other thing that we can call this is I think you're starting to live in the present. So instead of starting to live the imagined life of what your life could look like if you were a different person is also something that a lot of people do, right? So they imagine themselves as a different person and what their life would be like. And then they like start building these fantasies about my life could be this if only I was someone else. And what I hear you doing is saying, okay, I'm going to stop living this imagined life. someone else. I'm going to stop living, you know, like alter ego, like shadow universe Lily,

who is like not emotional and not sensitive. And instead of becoming your alter ego Sith version of yourself, you're just, you've started to accept yourself for who you are. And it can be liberating because now you're no longer like, like think about why that's liberating. It's because you're no longer trying to live a life that doesn't exist. It's really hard to live a life that doesn't exist. and we try to do it all the time. The other thing that you're noticing, which is also awesome, is just because you accept yourself, doesn't mean that everything goes away.

Yeah. I'm so sorry, my dog. Sounds like... Give me one second. Timmy? Is that Timmy, Tammy, Tammy, Tammy. Sounds like Temi agrees. Okay.

All right. How long have you had Temi? Oh, I've had her since, let's see, like three years now. How do you like having a dog? It's amazing. Okay, so I got Temi. Okay, I was in this super depressed state back then, super, super depressed, literally did not want to get out of bed. And I heard, I don't know if this is, I don't know, whether it's the right or wrong reason, I don't care anymore, but I heard that getting a dog can motivate you to get out of bed and have something to take care of and look forward to.

And that's the reason I got her mostly. And it worked like so well. She gave me a meaning. And that's why I freaking love this dog. I would die for her. No, no meaning. Yeah. That's awesome.

Yeah, I think animals, you know, can be really awesome for us and we can be really awesome for them. And that relationship can be really powerful. Also, they do things like reduce mortality. Like so they... Oh, wow. I'm going to live longer. Yeah, literally. Thank you, Tammy.

So there are studies that show that animals will literally reduce mortality. And people who have animals live longer. Bizarre. Yeah. I love dogs. I love her. It's just, it's amazing how much she makes me so happy. Yeah.

So I just want to point out that I think that too is because you're an emotional sponge. Right? So like, like the dog is going to be able to affect you in a positive way greater than it would be able to affect someone who is insensitive. because you can open yourself up to like her joy and compassion and licks. So that's awesome. I feel like dogs can make everyone happy. No? Yeah.

I'm not so sure about that. I mean, I hear that there are these people called cat people. Oh, yes, I've heard about them. That's okay. Never mind. I grew up with three German shepherds,

so I'm not sure what the cat, what's the deal with the cat people. But the more time I spend on Reddit, the more I find myself wanting to get a cat, there are a lot less they're like more low maintenance right you don't need to potty train them or anything they're just kind of there

yeah but also apparently some of them are assholes that's what I hear not not the cat people the cats themselves oh yeah yeah yeah I hear that too but sometimes if you're lucky you get a cat that acts like a dog oh interesting that's interesting um anyway so just going back to uh you

that there's still some problems. Is it okay if we just kind of like understand those a little bit in the context of what's changed and what hasn't changed? Yeah. So can you give me an example of, you know, so it sounds like you're you've turned over a new leaf. You're living your life slightly differently. You're changing the way that you look at yourself. And yet problems still arise. Because even if I accept that this is why I am, I'm still going to be affected by it. That's not going to change. Absolutely. So now I'm dealing with how do I better cope with it? How do I better deal with it? Which is still, I think, an ongoing process. Yeah. So like I'm really glad that you recognize that. So I'm going to try to kind of explain this. So acceptance doesn't really happen in our traditional mind. It sort of happens outside of our mind. So like, I know this isn't going to sound weird, but like there's there are different layers. of mind. And so what I think you've managed to do is gain some degree of acceptance that sort of exists outside of your mind and your mind can still have the roller coaster. You can still feel

good things and bad things, but the more that you kind of accept all of the roller coaster, the less impactful the roller coaster becomes. Does that make sense or not really? I think so. Okay. The other thing is that it doesn't actually change the fact that you still have a roller coaster. Yes. So I think what you're still experiencing is that there's still a roller coaster. It's just the roller coaster. It's like you're more protected against the roller coaster.

Does that, is that how it feels? It kind of, I guess. The fact that there's still a roller coaster. Yep. But there's still a roller coaster, right? That's what's kind of weird about this. Is that like what you've grown and you haven't, so a lot of people who feel like, you know, they are emotionally sensitive. What they try to do is become emotionally less sensitive.

So that's the... Exactly. That's the equivalent of reducing the roller coaster. It's like changing the roller coaster into like a flat drive. But that doesn't work. So life is still going to send you a roller coaster. It's your ability to step back from the roller coaster and kind of accept it for what it is. That actually gives you a sense of peace.

But the roller coaster still happens. And I think that's what you mean by the problems. Like you don't, you haven't stopped becoming emotionally sensitive. You're just better at understanding that you're emotionally sensitive and like more accepting of that, which makes the roller coaster less painful. Fair? Yeah, okay. Maybe that's a good way to put it. Yeah.

So, so there, so, can you give me an example of like what is like, what's something that you've experienced that has been a little bit more problematic recently? Okay. I'm a public figure. So most of my life is online. I share a lot of things with my audience. I'm very, very, very, very open about literally everything. But I think sometimes that gives people stuff to use against me. Okay.

Because I'm so open, they'll see that and I guess form their own analysis on my life, my relationships, etc. That are just completely wrong. And that bugs me because I'm like, that's not true. Yeah. So one of those. Yeah, absolutely. Right. So people are going to just, they're going to make all kinds of judgments over the internet.

And because you're open, they're going to feel like they understand you because you share so much. But they're not really, I mean, they're missing crucial. Even though you're super open, it sounds like they're missing crucial pieces of the puzzle, which is like what your actual experiences. Yes. And I mean, I choose to be. open so in the sense like I expect it because it's the internet you know you put yourself out there people are going to flung their own opinions about you and I understand that I guess it's just I just deeply don't like being misunderstood that's like the one thing that's why I'm open and

honest because I'm like if you need to know something like I will tell you don't make wrong assumptions on your own okay um what do you think what do you think it is that bothers you about being deeply misunderstood. It's like people thinking you are this when you're not. And that kind of bothers me, I guess, because I'm not bad. If that makes sense. So it almost sounds like part of your openness is to prevent people misunderstanding you. Yes, sometimes.

And also because I just like sharing things. It's just fun. Yeah. So I think they're, those sound like separate motivations to me. Yeah, there's a problem. Yeah, and even though the, so sharing, like, there's a part of that that I think is just genuinely you. You just like to share, right? Yeah.

And that's awesome. I like sharing feelings and talking about how I feel and emotions. That's why I love Myers-Briggs so much, right? I'm like, hey, what Myers-Briggs are you? Oh, what that means is? And, you know, we can get into a whole other conversation about that. That's, like, super fun for me. Yeah.

And also, it sounds like you share, part of the reason that you share, the degree, with which you share is to try to prevent people misunderstanding you? I'd say a bit of it, yeah, just a bit. Just a bit, okay. Yeah. Yeah, so, and when they misunderstand you, how does that affect you? Like, what happens within you when you see that happening? And how does it happen, like, over Twitter or like what?

Sometimes I get DMs. Most of it is just messages, emails, etc. Hey, shh. Are we going to dangerous territories? Temi, should we switch ears? No, no, that's because she hears someone outside. Okay. Temi, please don't work.

No, I mean, it sounds like Temi is very... Are you sure it's because she hears something outside, or it's because she's sensing something within you because of what we're talking about? I think it's outside. Okay. She usually brows when she hears stuff. We have very thin walls.

But that'd be cool if she could send something. inside me and then like growl from that i've never seen her do that but that be really cool she probably does other things besides growl she does when i'm like sad or whatever i think she can tell and like she always like cuddles me like more and it's like super super super super healing yeah what are we talking about we were talking about being misunderstood yeah so so so so so so so so but it sounds like most of what your openness is just because you want to be open yes okay um for sure um And we can talk a little bit about more about being misunderstood and why that's important to you, although I suspect that that'll be a little bit of a less positive conversation because it's kind of like a negative sort of thing.

Does that make sense? Yeah, I'm free to talk about whatever. Okay, so the other thing that you mentioned is that you've stopped giving up on love. You're giving love another chance. Yeah, I guess. And are you, I mean, so we could talk about that too if, I mean, because that's what's you're saying. Yeah, sure. I'm down.

Okay. So what does that mean, practically? Um, you know, just kind of fell for someone. And I'm like, you know, I try to convince myself for like, no, I don't, I don't actually. Like, you know, it's not going to work out. But I got to try. Why do you try to convince yourself that it's not going to work out? Because I was afraid I was going to get hurt again initially, right?

But then, honestly, I think that's a risk that we're all kind of willing to take. Okay. By the way, I have trouble seeing your whole face because of the microphone. I'm sorry. That's okay. I just rely on facial expressions a lot. It helps me. But if you want to hide behind the mic, then I don't want to take that away from you.

No, no, no. Can you hear me? Well, I'm just afraid you can hear me. Yeah, you do have to be a little bit closer. You can move it back to cover your face if that's better. Oh, sorry. No problem. Okay.

Great. Say something. Okay. So it sounds like you... Fucking. Sorry. That's okay. Sorry.

Okay. So you fell for someone. So those are emotions, right? And then something happened in your mind where you tried to keep yourself from falling for them? Yeah. And you think you did that to try to protect yourself? Yes. Makes a lot of sense.

So this is great. So I think Lily, the other advantage of you being emotional is that I think we can cover a lot more ground because I don't have to explain like emotional stuff to you. Because like you're actually really in tune with your own feelings. I'm really surprised honestly that you're able to piece together that you have that kind of protective reflex. in your mind to pull away from someone that you fell for? What exactly does that mean love? It just crushed on. Okay.

I don't know. Yeah. And so are you, do you mind if I ask you a few questions about that? Sure. Are you, so are you in a relationship of some kind? Yeah. How does that feel? Pretty good.

I mean, it's like, it's like a journey, another adventure sort of feel. Yeah. Like, I'm willing to put my all into this, I guess. That's nice. That's awesome. So that sounds so positive. I don't know how else to say that. I mean, it sounds like you're not expecting too much out of it.

Yeah, we're pretty much like, let's just go with the flow, see where it ends up. I am very open. Like, if it works, great. If it doesn't, it doesn't. But I'm willing to try it at the very least, is how it's. might I feel about this. Yeah. So it sounds like you're hopeful but not expecting.

Yes. So that I think is the perfect way to be in a relationship. So I think we run into problems when you start to expect. What do you think about that? Then you get disappointed. Absolutely. But sometimes it's hard, it's very hard to be hopeful without expectation. That's true.

How are you? I'm just, I feel very, I feel like I'm very realistic about this relationship, though, from all the things I went through in the past. Uh-huh. So I just, I feel like, it's just like a lot of communication. Like, I tell everything. If there's something that is bothering me, I address it. It's very, very, how do you word this? Like, straightforward? Okay. So it sounds like you're on. top of it. Mm-hmm. Right?

Like, it sounds like when, when there are issues that arise in the relationship, like, either feelings that you have or concerns that you have, that you're straightforward and, like, you talk about them instead of letting them kind of fester. Yeah, we both communicate a lot. And I really like that. So it feels very freeing, very open, very honest at the moment. Oh, we could change in all honeymoon phase. I know that.

So whatever. Again. How long have you guys been? together? Not even a month. Okay. It's very new. Very new.

Okay. Yeah, so that is relatively new. But it also sounds like, you're, it sounds like the relationship is actually pretty strong. Yeah. It's, yeah. I don't know what else to say. It's nice. I don't have any problems.

I mean, usually like it, you know, that sort of open, straightforward communication is, is rare. so early in a relationship. Do you mind if I ask it? Did you know the person before you guys started dating? Oh, yeah. Okay. We were friends before. Okay, so I guess that makes a little bit more sense because usually people are like, you know,

they're like all kinds of anxieties around. Oh, no, no. Okay. No. And so I know that you're an open person and I also know you're a public figure, so feel free to not answer this question. I'm just not sure how often I can call this person this person. So can I have a name?

Michael. Okay. Okay. So tell me a little. So it sounds like you've really given this a shot and you're acknowledging that you don't know where it's going to go, but you feel pretty optimistic about it. Yes. Yeah. So what's that like?

That's nice. Okay. I'm just enjoying. I know the beginning of your relationship is always like, man, that person can do no wrong. It's perfect. It's like sweet and it's super cute. I know this, but I'm enjoying it for what it is. Yeah, right.

And I realize it will end eventually. Or maybe it won't know. I've heard story. So again, it's just whatever it comes at me. I will tackle it then. Yeah. So. Yeah.

So, yeah. So Lily. Okay. Let me just think for a second. So I want you to just notice what words you're using. Right? So once again, you're creating distance between what your mind kind of like projects and expects.

And you're saying like, you know that this is the honeymoon phase and that it very well could end. But that too is acceptance. Right. So like you're kind of accepting that this could be the honeymoon phase and you're enjoying it for what it is. That also is super zen. So like that's the whole point. Right. So like when, so I'll just give you an example.

So if I walk outside, so spring is coming. And I don't know what part of the world do you live in. but I don't know if you're going to have flowers. Are you going to have like flowers and stuff in bloom where you are? I live in California. Okay. So I don't know how much of a spring really hits California. So I live in Massachusetts.

And, you know, winter is brutal here. And then also spring is like super, super beautiful. And so, you know, some people, what they do when they have something good in life is they try to hold on to that. And that, I think, holds people is the more you try to hold on to what you have, the more held back you become. And what I'm hearing from you is that you're not trying to hold on to the honeymoon phase. You're just trying to enjoy it while it lasts. And so, you know, the Zen Master, when they look at a flower that's in bloom, they don't try to hold on to the beauty of that flower forever.

They don't try to capture it. They don't try to hold on to it forever. And this is what we try to do with like Instagram and cameras and iPhones is we try to capture memories and moments in our lives. forever. But the Zen Master, what they do is just appreciate the beauty of the flower for what it is and appreciate that it's transient. And that it will eventually wither. And it doesn't mean that, like, that too, that, like, you know, the plant will still remain. And there's a, there's a beauty within the plant as well.

And that the plant will continue to bloom. So you just kind of accept things for what they are instead of trying to hold on to a particular, like, state in your life now. And I'm hearing a lot of just just the nature of your language has changed since the last time I talked to you. It's hard to pinpoint, but it's just these statements like I acknowledge. So that too is like you're acknowledging the roller coaster that right now this is the high phase of the relationship. And at some point the roller coaster is going to dip. But you're separating yourself from the roller coaster. And you're saying, I'm going to let myself enjoy this.

and if it ends, so be it. If it doesn't end, fantastic. Yeah, exactly. And I think that's, that's perfect. That's like perfect. That's what I want everyone to do, is to understand that the good things in your life,

they could go away or they could stay for a while and enjoy them while they last. And the more that you try to hold on to something, yeah, I think, I think this relationship is going to work out. Thank you. I really think it is. That's good to hear. I hope it works out too.

Yeah. I can't, you know. Yeah, I know. I'm sorry for creating an expectation, but something about this, sometimes I get a sense of things, and I like the way you're thinking about it, and I like the way you're talking about it.

And I hope that the guy isn't, like, a decent dude. He's very, very nice. Yeah. So, but I think this is, yeah, so Lily, the other thing is, so I'll tell you, like, you know, as much as, okay, so I'm going to ask you a personal question, okay? In your heart of hearts, and you don't have to answer this, okay? You really don't have to answer this, because this is not helping you understand anything. I'm just really curious. In your heart of hearts, what do you think is going to happen?

You don't have to answer. Oh, I'm creating expectations. No, no, no, no. So stop, stop for a second. This is not an expectation. I'm asking you about is not an expectation. So what I think is going to happen? What do you feel is going to happen?

Um. Or not even going to happen because going to happen is like, is cognitive. That's like definitive. It's, it's hard to, I know what I want to happen. Okay. Of course. And I want us to work long term. Do you feel like it's going to work long term?

I'm not talking about expectation. I don't want to jinx it. Okay. That's fine. So don't say anything. But I want you to just, so this is another important point, okay? So there's expectation which comes from the mind. But I think that there's also something that is, I don't even think it's emotional.

I think it's almost more spiritual in terms of sometimes we have a sense of things. Does that make sense? It does. So I think you're very good at sort of having a sense of things. This is the end from Myers-Briggs, by the way. Okay. So like what is your intuition? It's not an expectation.

It's an intuition. It's a gut. And you don't even have to answer, but I would trust that. Okay. I understand. Right? And so I would also ask you, because like my gut is telling me very, very strong things right now. And so we don't even have to ask, get you to answer.

I know what your answer is. And so then I want you to go back in time and think about the other relationships you've had. And think about what, was telling you to stay in the relationship? Was it your mind or your gut or a fear or that you didn't want to believe? Or were you feeling, what was your gut telling you then? What was your intuition telling you then? And what is your intuition telling you now?

Is it the same or is it different? No, it's different. Very good. Very different. Like, that's not surprising to me at all. So I think, and so I feel weirdly optimistic. I don't even know anything about this person. Right?

But I have a sense of these things. And honestly, like, I don't know how else to put this, Lily, but I see in your face and your demeanor what I felt like when I met my wife. Stop having. No, I see it. And like, as crazy as this sounds, so like as much as I think about rationality and, God, this is going to be so bad if you guys break up because I'm staking my entire. reputation and stuff on this, but fuck it. It's what I believe. Like, so I actually, like, this is crazy. I believe in true love. Like, I really do. And, and I think, I think for all of the cognitive stuff in the neuroscience and psychology, I think that some things are just meant to be.

I think this is karma, karma, right? I think that there are forces in our life that shape who we are in the kinds of life we live. And I see that force very, very strongly in my own life. And I don't know how to put this, but like, I don't know how to say this, but there is no earthly way in which I have done something to deserve the person that I'm married to. That is really, really, really, really cute. Oh, my God. And the old. Yeah, go ahead.

Go on. No, go for it. No, I just, I didn't expect you to say things like that, I guess. No, no, but, I mean, seriously. Like, and I think the only, the only way that this is possible is for a force greater than me to, like, like be acting at it, right? Because I'm just, I'm just not that good. I'm just not, I'm just not, I mean, it's not, it's not an issue of confidence or anything.

I'm very confident in the person that I am. But I think it's just, she's just really amazing and I'm really, really lucky to have her. I mean, she's stuck with me through all kinds of stuff. And, and so like, I mean, I can't, and I see it. I see it in you. And there are a lot of things that were hard for us, but it's there. so I, you know, don't stop believing. I won't.

That's really cute. Oh, that's adorable. What does that mean adorable? I'm very happy for you. That's so cute that, you know, you believe in true love and you must love your wife so much. Absolutely. It's just really cute. I really, I'm enjoying this.

What are you enjoying? I'm happy for you. Thank you. I'm happy for me, too. Thank you. What's enjoyable about it? It's just nice. you happy and talk so lovingly about your life and no like it's just beautiful to see i like it

oh i'm glad you're enjoying it i'm sorry that's that sounded weird no no no i mean what i said sounded weird too i'm just really curious about what resonates with what i'm saying you know like like and and i'm really i really am glad that that it's bringing you some to degree of happiness. I always feel happy when I see like a relationship just work and seeing them be happy for each other and the way that you talk about each other and just seeing that kind of things make me very, very happy because it's just I can tell they're happy. It's it's very nice to see.

Yeah. Oh God, how do I word this? Not creepy way. It's yeah. I'm happy that you're happy. Yes. So now we come back to the advantages of being an emotional sponge, right? So I think it's wonderful that the person that you are, are you feeling embarrassed or something?

I'm confused. I'm kind of embarrassed, yeah. What are you embarrassed about? I just, sorry. I'm not sure. Okay. Okay, let's just ignore that. I'm going to keep talking.

You ready? Yeah, go. So I think this is the upside of being an emotional sponge. So I think this is what's fun and amazing about your life and also like really difficult is because when there's toxicity around you, it affects you. But also that you can look at another person's joy and like be so affected by it, which is beautiful. So it's like it's like when you see like a flower in the sunshine and like you see like warm rays of light on those petals, like you're capable of feeling that warmth too, which is amazing. I said this in the first conversation, but you really do make me sound very cool. I make you sound.

That was a lily two thing. Very good. So I make you sound cool. How can I make you sound anything? Yeah, I shouldn't have said that. No, no, no, I'm glad you said it. No, no, I'm glad you said it. I'm really glad you said it.

And I'm glad you recognize that it's Lily Too. Right? So, like, that's the goal is to catch it when it happens and to notice it. No wonder you're doing so much better. because you caught it really fast. And this is something important. Like you guys just have to catch it. If you catch it and you notice it, that actually weakens it.

Because remember that Lily 2 gets out of control when you can't see her. When she goes in Viz. And then she starts wrecking your fucking life. It's like a poltergeist. It's like you can't see it. You can't stop it. But all you need is like you need detection. You need to be able to see her.

Like you don't want her hiding in the bushes. You know, like you play wall, right? there's like the bushes or whatever right so like Lily 2 is going to own you as long as she's like hanging out in those places that you can't see her and she's like attacking you from the bushes or whatever but once you see her once you detect her then you can take her on man like you can yeah it's good work and continue noticing this is great yeah I made like after that it made like Lily 1 emo and little 2 emits now after this I'm gonna need to make a a Zen Lily emote. Yeah, cool. It's just, it's cute. It's very cute.

I like the concept. I really like the concept a lot, like separating it. Yeah, separating what? So when I say something or I know it's coming from really too, like having that separation, I guess. Even though it's still me, I know, but giving, like acknowledging that, oh, that's, that's really two talking. Yep. Yeah. Yeah, so that's how our mind works.

And I think oftentimes we forget that just because like we think that Lily 2 is like the speaker of truth, right? And whatever Lily 2 says, like you accept as true. But now, does that make sense? Like when you're feeling bad, you accept Lily 2's statements or thoughts as facts. But when you separate out Lily 2, you weaken her ability to convince you that she's correct. because you recognize that she's just a part of your mind and that your mind is not infallible. In fact, it thinks stupid wrong thoughts all the time.

Yeah. And so that's awesome. Lily, I'm really happy for you. I think you've changed a lot since the last time I talked to you. Thank you. I'm really glad we had our talk. Yeah. I think initially after the talk,

I was feeling embarrassed because I cried so much. and thousands of people like so many it affected a lot of people and I wasn't sure I was just embarrassed I guess not sure

and then afterwards I was feeling happy that it affected people in a good way in a positive way because I really did receive so many private messages about that conversation

and thinking me and how much it helped them. And that made me really, really happy, like super happy. Yeah. And it just, yeah, I'm really glad I had that conversation and showed all that. Yeah, I'm glad you did too. I think a lot of life is hard because we, like, try to live it alone. You know, and we just, all of the burdens, like, despite being such an open person,

I can imagine that you probably share all. a lot, but you probably hold a lot of the burdens that you carry like to yourself. Yes. And you share a lot of the positivity, which I think can be good in some ways, like because you can be kind of inspiring and comforting to people who are feeling down. But I think in a sense, like, you know, when you share something with someone else, it kind of like lessens the weight on you. And I think you were carrying a lot of burden of negativity like within yourself about, I'm not

quite sure what, but, and, and so I, I think it's good that you sort of let that go a little bit and also let it be and let it pass. Uh-huh. And also, I think part of the reason that you're probably feeling better is because of Michael, because that sounds like it's a real, I mean, a little bit of, you know, a little bit of, you know, again, I, I know, I know, it is what it is. I say this a lot now. Yeah, good.

It is what it is. Good. It is what it is, right? And it sounds wonderful. Is it wonderful? It's pretty nice. So, okay, so you don't want to jinx it. I get it, right?

So you don't want to. I don't want to jinx it. Okay, fine, fine. Objectively, very nice. It is, it is above average. It is. It is above average. Excellent.

I don't want to say perfect because it's jinxing it. And that's like, you know, just expectation and stuff. It is nice. Yeah. No, I think being with a good person is really, really nice for your life. also in my experience some of that doesn't really go away like the honeymoon phase

I think the honeymoon phase is really only applicable to relationships without the one I think with the one the whole reason that they're the one is because the honeymoon phase doesn't really stop I hope I mean I mean do I hope um yeah I hope I have or find

what you have It sounds amazing Yeah I hope you need to I mean everyone wants that I guess right I think it's different for every person right So remember we don't want to play someone else's hands of cards But I I think it's fine to hope that you find something one day

That describes sort of what I'm what I have Yeah I hope I think it's closer than you think man But let's not jinx it okay let's stop talking about I'm not sorry I'm not suspicious but No no no no no you should should be, dude, you should absolutely be superstitious when it comes to the stuff. Right? Because this is not the kind of stuff that you fuck around with. Oh, no, yeah. I've become so superstitious recently. It's bizarre.

Why? Once I had kids, like, I just became, it's weird. It's like, parts of my brain woke up that were, like, dormant. And now it becomes, like, superstitious. And in our culture, like, my grandmother used to talk about the evil eye. And like I was like that's BS. There's no evil eye. But now I have seen. What is the evil eye? I just curious.

I don't even know. It's like when some when people so in my culture it's like when people when you're like overly happy or joyous and people become jealous like bad things happen to you to put you back in line. Oh my God. That's that's the best I can think of. That's the best description. I see. I did feel like at one point I was too scared to be too happy, I guess, cautiously too happy.

Yeah. Because what if something bad happens to counteract that? Yep. I don't know if that's superstition or anxiety or whatever, but I've always felt that. Yeah, so like I... This is what I'll say. Like, I think that I don't think it's rational. And yet sometimes I think that we encounter and experience things that defy rationality.

and I think that if you want to be a real scientist, you have to accept that your view of the world may not be correct and that there may be forces at play in the world that we just don't understand yet. And if we just assume that those forces are wrong, just because they don't fit into our worldview, that's not truly being scientific. So what a scientist does is collects data from the world and then forms, creates a worldview that accounts,

for your observations. It's not assuming a worldview and then discounting your observations because they don't fit with what you believe the world looks like. And essentially what's happened to me recently over the past couple of years is like, I've just like started to feel weird things. Like I don't know how else to put it. It's like making me think about this evil eye stuff, which is not rational at all. Like I have no idea how this shit works.

But I feel it. And so I don't know if it's just parental, paranoia and just part of my psychology, I'm not sure. But, you know, I start to, I start to take these things seriously, like the knock on wood and stuff. Yes, I'll stop talking about Michael. It's not even used his name. We'll call him this person. This person.

Back to this person. Okay. Anyway, so what, I'm, what do you, I'm, I'm not really sure where to go from here. Neither do I. What should? Um. Hmm. What are you doing today? Uh, like, like, how am I spending my day?

Yeah. Um, so. So, I mean, I worked in the morning. I'm going to work after this. And then I will go home and hang out with my kids for a while. And then may do a little bit of work after that. Or actually, I'll probably just like watch something and, and hang out with my wife for a little while. And then I'll go to sleep. What are you watching right now? Um, I'm watching. Watching a couple of things.

So I'm watching, we started watching Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 10 recently. Oh, that's so funny. Yeah. And so we started watching that just a couple of days ago. I'm also watching Marcella on Netflix, which is like a British, like, crime kind of thing. I like those, like, I don't know if you've seen like Luther or anything, but I'm a big fan of Luther. Yeah. We don't, sorry, go ahead.

Oh no, it sounds like a nice relaxing day kind of Yeah What's your day looking like? Um We have a shoot at one I have a little voiceover workshop at night In the stream What does that mean shoot at one?

Oh Um so I'm in part of the content creator house thingy Right So we have a YouTube channel that we run together And we have shoots So we have film something. I see. I'm not sure what we're doing. Okay. I think it's cooking. I'm not sure. It's always different. Okay. I didn't know how that stuff worked. Um, and maybe also

Netflix later. Yeah. With Michael. The person, this person. The person. The person says the person. The person. The person. Let's not invoke any kind of evil eye on him, okay? Yeah. Oh my God. I'm afraid I do understand like that slight paranoia. If I, I, It's just bit up too much, you know. Yep. Got to be careful. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Cool. Yeah. Wow. So, like, I think that if we're actually at a good stopping place, we can just stop if, if you want, or we can open things up to questions. Like, what do you feel like doing? Should we do some Q&A? I'll do whatever you do. Okay.

Let's go for, like, another, um, can evil, I mean, usually. Let's do, let's try to see if people have a couple of questions. And then, and then, um, um. Yeah. I mean, sometimes we have long meandering conversations that last an hour and a half, but I think that we, you know, I'm very happy with where you are. And I don't have any particular curiosity or anything. Okay. Let me just see. Okay. So people want to meet Michael. Okay. He's sleeping. Okay.

Hey, hey, hey. So people have questions? How do I find? Oh crap. Okay, let's see. Free? What? Unmute. What are you guys talking about? Evil eye on dog. No, no, no, no, no evil eye on the dog. I'm so confused by what Twitch had to say. You're talking about freedom. Uh, you had it sub-moded, I guess? Huh? And then, like, if you, if you put it on sub-mod, only subscribers can talk, and then when you disable it, it's freedom. Oh, I see. I had it said on that.

Yes. Okay. Or your mods did or someone else did for you. Yeah, I don't know how this stuff works, Lily. You can ask me questions about psychology, spirituality, or the evil eye. But here we go. Boomer. Merck and Vated Chat.

Yeah. Okay, cool. They're being queued up. Yeah, so what are you watching on Netflix? I'm watching this anime about volleyball. which is really cool It's It's yeah

It's just an anime about volleyball It's really fun That's it I mean we watched like a bunch of the shows already You've heard of I'm not okay with this I've heard of it I don't know what it is It's like

Yeah it's a coming of age sort of story About a girl who has powers Not bad I'm always looking for stuff to binge on Netflix. Yeah, me too. Okay, I think we're getting questions. Okay, here we go.

Okay, so let's, oh, so people are asking about Lily's Doshi. Do you know anything about Ayurveda Lily? Oh, you'll maybe like this. Okay. Dosha? Yeah. So, you know what Myers-Briggs is based on? No.

So Myers-Briggs is based on the work of Carl Jung, who was, a psychoanalyst and a contemporary of Freud's. And Carl Jung's, a lot of his theories were based on actually like Indian philosophy and were actually based on Ayurveda. And Ayurveda is traditional Indian medicine. And Ayurveda sort of posits that like, so Western medicine kind of says that everyone is the same. So if you think about like what you study in Western medicine, you study like heart attacks or the flu or coronavirus, right? So a doctor learns how to treat a disease, they don't learn how to treat a person. With me? Yeah. So Ayurveda starts with kind of a different assumption. It says that all people are different. And that we each have like different elemental

balances is kind of they use elements to describe certain characteristics like personalities or physical form or things like that. And those, the, they have three kind of quote unquote elements, which are called dosha. And then based on someone's dosha, you can kind of understand how their mind works. So I kind of call it a cognitive fingerprint. So we each have like a unique fingerprint and we each have a unique like way that our mind works. So one example. How do you find that out? So there are all kinds of traits.

So for example, you are predominantly kaffa. And I think you're probably kaffa and vata. So kaffas is kind of think about earth and water. So people who are kaffas, they deal with stress. When their mind becomes stress, they become kind of isolated. depressive, they start to think negative self-thoughts about themselves. So vatas are different because Vata has become anxious and start thinking negative thoughts about the external world. So they start worrying about, oh, this is going to happen and this is going to happen and this is going to happen.

Whereas Gaffa is when they get stressed, say like, oh, like, I'm dumb because I did this, I'm dumb because I did this, I'm dumb because I did this. The third element is Pitta, which is kind of like fire. And so when Pithas get stressed, they get angry at other people. So they're like, oh, this is dumb, like this person is dumb, like, these people suck in traffic. Like, road rage is a classic bit of phenomenon. Whereas, like, I would imagine you don't have road rage. Like, you just don't understand why people road rage. Because that's just not how your mind works.

Right? And so you're predominantly guffa, and I think you have Vata as well. And the other thing about Ayurveda is that there are physical characteristics associated with these as well. So can you look directly at the camera? and can you take off your glasses? Can we do that non-stream? Yeah, sure. Sorry. Okay. So the other thing is there are some physical characteristics,

which you can kind of, I'll do my face, okay? So my face tends to be like a little bit angular. Like if you look at my nose, like my nose is very like angular. Like your face has kind of a rounder quality to it. If you look at my hands, so my hands has. have very prominent veins on the back of my hands. My fingers tend to be like long and thin. These are all Vata characteristics.

So these are very wind characteristics. So Vathas are angular, sharp, cold. So I tend to like get cold hands and feet very easily. So there are all kinds of physical characteristics. So you have a lot of roundness to your face. And it does, I'm not saying you're fat or anything like that. I'm just talking about like your your nose is like rounded, whereas mine is like angular. right? So there's like angular, there's less angularity to your features has nothing to do with beauty or

attractiveness or anything like that. It's just like some people's hands and faces and stuff just look different. The other thing about vatas is like, so vataz have eyes that are bigger than their plate. So what that means is that they usually feel super, super hungry, but then it doesn't take a whole lot of food to fill them up. Gaffas kind of have a pretty stable and steady appetite. So do you get filled up easily and feel hungry easily? I eat a lot. Yeah. So I think you're predominantly guffa.

So, but you're guffavata. And I think the other tricky thing about this is that like I'm not sure. Because all of this stuff was developed with like Indian people. So I don't know how how exactly to translate this stuff to other ethnicities. I think a lot of it translates pretty easily. Like mentally it's fine. Like I'm really good at picking out.

someone's mental doha. So other characteristics of Gaffas are their mind is resilient and also very stable. So I know this is going to sound bizarre to you, but your capacity to withstand emotional punishment is actually very, very high.

So like Guffus... Oh, I've been told that before. Yeah, so Guffas have high HP pools. That's the other way to think about it. H.P. Wait, what is? Sorry. Yeah.

If I want to read up more on this, what should I search up? So give me like a, a, week and then I will send you a video about it. Okay, that's great. I can actually, I can link you a video if you promise not to link it to anyone else because it's a rough draft version, but if you're really curious. Promise.

So we're going to try to make it like look better, but if you're really curious. So other features, so the interesting thing about Guffa is like it's good because they're very resilient and they have high HB pools. But the downside of Gaffa is that they also tolerate negative situations for. for a lot longer than other people would because they can actually just, they have high HB pools. So they'll like sit in piles of acid or poison for a long period of time because they can handle it. And so understanding, you know, what your doche is is important. And basically everything I was kind of telling you about being an emotional sponge comes from kaffa.

So kaffas are also emotional sponges. So vatas tend to get like very, very deranged by like the emotions of others. like they can get very affected by them, and they can't really tolerate them. Bithas are sort of medium. They get somewhat influenced by other people, but like not so much. They tend to be like a little bit more narcissistic or ambitious.

They're kind of like fiery. So they tend to be argumentative and things like that, whereas Guffas tend to absorb a lot of like if you think about, you know, the wind, like how much like how much can the wind hold? Not, wait. I know it's a bizarre question. Like actually?

Yeah. Like a strong wind could hold a lot, but... Yeah, so how much can... Generally not much. Not much, how much can Earth hold? Way more than wind. Absolutely, right? So Gaffa, and this is why they kind of came up with like Gaffa being earth and water, and Vata being wind.

It's not like there's actually like wind inside me. What the people did in ancient India is they like looked at different elements and they realized there are certain like qualities to those elements. and they use those elements as descriptions to help us understand certain qualities of people. So it's not like we can biopsy you and you're going to find earth inside you and you're going to find wind inside me.

So you're kind of stable, you're resilient, you're absorbent, whereas like I'm not absorbent at all. Like people ask me, how can I do this work? And it's because I don't absorb any of it. Because I'm just like the wind. That's true. So I sit with someone and I feel things very intensely with them and then much like the wind, I blow really hard in one direction,

and then I just stop, and then I blow really hard in this direction. So I think a lot of people who are confused about why I do this work, I'm able to do this work because I'm a vata. So stuff doesn't sit with me because I just feel things really intensely, and then I just shed, like, it passes through me. Right? And it's not that it's like good or bad. It's not better or worse than yours. It's just if you tried to do this work,

you'd probably not be like a do a very good job. at it because it's not that you want to do a good job it's that you do a different kind of good job whereas like I would I think you'd be like a better like you're probably a better friend than I am because I can I can meet someone and like be super emotional with them for one hour but like people don't stay in my life because I just move on to other things so I'm really good at like brief interactions with people even in my like in my practice like you know a lot of psychiatrists or therapists will see people for years I work with people for like six months and then you know I try to get them better and try to get them out the door.

And so, you know, I mean, some people I end up working with for years, but a lot of people, like, they just get better. And then I'm like, okay, well, you're better now. So like, go live your life, man. Stop showing up here. And so that's because I'm a VATA, because I just, you know, I get really excited to work with new people. And Vattas also have a very tangential thought process. So I'm saying all kinds of random shit to you right now. It's not like uniform.

Does that make sense? I'm just talking about all kinds of rins. Yeah. Anyways. I like stuff like this. Yeah. So your predominant doha is kaff, certainly mentally, and probably Vata second. And so what that means for you is basically everything we've already said.

But I want you to think about, you know, your... So in your worst case scenario, when your kaffa is really, really bad, you're going to feel like mud. So when you put water and earth together, you're just going to be sluggish and slow. and not want to get out of bed, you're going to be like this like mud creature instead of like a human. Yes. Right?

Mud creature, yes. And there are going to be other people who are like, so like someone who's a pit though, who's a fireperson, when they get stressed, they're going to be pissed off at everyone. And it's like the worst their life it gets, the more they take it out on like randomly on other people and they're irritable and angry.

Like you probably don't get very irritable or angry. You probably get withdrawn and kind of pulled in and stuff like that. And so... I stopped moving. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. So I think that, um, that's your dosha.

That's a great question. I'll send you more information. I don't need that. Yeah, that's really, really cool. Okay. So, um, so we're going to send some of these questions your way. Okay, Lily. Yeah, go for it.

Sure. I'll question for you. Um, do you, have you heard us the anyagram? Yeah, Ngram or enagram or what? Anyagram. Anyagram, I don't know. Yeah. What number are you?

I don't know. I haven't done it. I mean, I have a couple of colleagues that use this, but I'm not sure. I'm not too familiar with it. Got it, got it. Okay, just wondering. But I'll explore it. I like personality stuff too.

So one of the things that I'm actually trying to develop for people is like a comprehensive cognitive personality test that's based on like Ayurveda. So it's going to be kind of like Myers-Briggs, but I'm trying to, you know, I kind of said like you're an emotional sponge. so I'm trying to figure out how to like make a test for people to understand their Ayurvedic characteristics. Yeah. So another random example of how different doshas are different. So Vata memory is also dosha dependent.

So vatas learn things very quickly, but they also forget things very quickly. Bitha's kind of learn things at a medium speed and kind of hold on to the things at a medium speed. And Gaffas are actually like kind of slow to pick things up. but once they hit their stride, they'll be good forever. Does one of those describe you? I feel like medium speed would describe me. I don't think I learned quickly or that slowly. Okay.

I'm not sure. Yeah. So we all have all three elements within us, and they're kind of like at different levels. But anyway. So here's a question for you. So someone's asking, how do you stop thinking about your ex?

Um Wow, that's Any ideas? Time, space, you cut contact fully Well, mine was I don't know if this is true for everyone But mine cheated on me So it was easy for me to kind of cut

Yep Like a band-aid And the more time and space you have away from them I think the easier it gets Yeah Like I Yeah, that's all I can say really So just to kind of

echo what Lily's saying. I want you guys to understand that your mind is going to think about what it gets exposed to. Right? So like if you think about like why did we start talking about Temi? Because Temi was here. Yeah. And Temi Bart and Temi presented

himself. He's a boy. Oh, she, she. She. So she presented herself and so we started thinking about her. Like if you watch like Twitch and you watch gaming on Twitch and you like watch a game, then like you're going to be more prone to play it because it's going to be like kind of top of mind for you. So in, I think Lily's point is really spot on that like time and space is very important because you want to decrease the exposure that you have to your ex. Now,

the other important part here is that you also need additional exposures because if you don't give your mind something else to focus on, it's going to sit with the thoughts that it has from your ex and you're just going to be in your room and you're going to be think about your ex all the time. So the more that you reduce contact and the more that you give your mind to other exposures, the less mechanically, like your mind will automatically spend less time thinking about it. So basically

exactly what Lily said. No contact. So another one for you, Lily. So you're ready to put on your Zen Master hat? Oh, boy. How do you be very happy but still understand it won't last forever? Um, okay, this is just my opinion.

Okay, I'm just gonna... If I'm happy and there's a reason to be happy, I just want to enjoy it while it's there. And I think the fact that it's not there forever makes it even more special. And it makes me want to treat it even better, if that makes sense. It's like living for me, honestly. We're all going to die one day, but... Sorry, that sounded really...

No, keep going. But it's... But it's... But it's... that we're all living now and I'm happy now so I'm going to enjoy it while at last it's how I feel about living in the content creator house too with all my friends I'm happy now I know it's not going to last so that makes it even more special because I know it's temporary yeah beautiful fucking fucking beautiful and here I thought that for a moment that that asking you to put your

your Zen master hat on would create in you a sense of expectation that would prevent you from accessing your Zen Master. But you access to your Zen Master. I completely agree. So I want you guys to think about this. How do you be very happy, but still understand it won't last forever? The only way to be really happy is to understand that it's not going to last forever. That's a good way.

Yeah. Right? So if you think that something is going to last forever and that's what you expect, you won't actually be happy. Happiness exists in the present. It doesn't exist in the future. And the more that you think about holding on to something, the more that you want it to stay this way,

like, like the less happy you're going to become. You're going to become like a miser who's like, you know, hoards a bunch of money, but never spends it because they want to like be rich. And that's, like, that's no way to live life, right?

Money is there to be used. Happiness. Like these experiences are meant to be enjoyed for what they are in the present now. They're not meant to be like, held onto for the future. So then the question becomes, why do people try to hold on to things that last forever? So that's not an issue of happiness.

It's an issue of security. It's an issue of insecurity. Why do you need guarantees that something is going to last forever? Because you're not confident that you will be able to find happiness without it. So if you are trying to make your happiness last forever, like that's just not going to work. It's an oxymoron. Happiness comes from being in the present, just like Lily said. It's actually the temporariness of the flower that enhances its beauty.

It allows us to sit with it fully presently in the moment now and do what it is, like appreciate it for what it is. And I think that's what I hear from Lily is like she's just living like in the present. She understands this stuff isn't going to last forever. So be it. But something has changed where she started to be confident about the future. and being confident about the future is about being comfortable with yourself today. And that's really what I sense from you. And that goes back to her acceptance, right?

So she accepts that this is the person that she is. And she's not perfect. She's emotionally sensitive. People are going to hurt her. It still causes her problems. But I don't know if you guys can see this. But like her acceptance of that is what allows her to treasure. That's what allows her to tolerate the transience of the present.

because she's like accepting it and like that that's what gives her the strength to appreciate and enjoy and love what she has now it's great fantastic okay can we keep going because you're doing a great job yeah of course

how did you learn how to trust people again I can't imagine how I'd ever convince myself to trust again um everything is a risk you only live once And every time I feel when we fall in love with someone, you're kind of accepting the fact, yeah, things can go bad. But that's just a risk I'm willing to take. Fuck it.

Like, why not? Yeah. So, beautiful. I like him. He likes me. We're willing to try. That's all this for me, I guess. Yeah.

Okay. So beautiful. So when she says, fuck it. There's a Sanskrit word for that. That word is Vyragya. and Vairagia means detachment. So we've talked about this on stream before. What I see Lili doing is not trying to control the outcome of this relationship.

You acknowledge that there's a risk. You acknowledge that failure is an option. Yes. And yet you give it your all. Yes. Right? So this is the essence of living in the present. This is the essence of focusing on the action instead of the outcome.

A lot of suffering that people have is because they get caught up in the outcome. They only want a relationship if it's going to last forever. They want an A on the test. They want to make a million dollars. They want to get hired. It's all about outcomes, outcomes, outcomes. It's about something happening in the external world. But here's the crazy thing.

We actually don't control any of that. There is nothing Lily can do to make her relationship successful. She can't do it. I know it sounds bizarre. There's no way that she can control. the outcome of this relationship. She can't, there's nothing she can do to live happily ever after.

It's impossible. All she can do is live today. She can focus on trying to make, she can focus on moving her relationship in the direction it needs to go today. You can have another conversation to clarify communication so that you guys are better off for tomorrow,

but there's nothing you can do to control that you're going to be happily ever after. Right? And I'll kind of say, this about my own relationship. So I'm really happy for my relationship and I've come to realize how fragile of a thing it is. That no amount of years behind us means that we've got it like in the clear. That our relationship has new challenges and new stresses and despite loving each other very much that like, you know, bad shit can happen in a relationship even if it's a really good

relationship. It requires constant work. You have to focus on on your actions today instead of trying to like secure an outcome for tomorrow. And the more that you do that, and that's what I hear from Lily, like, so Lily's not saying, so her ability to be, like, peaceful in this relationship doesn't come out of her controlling the risk of something bad happening. It actually comes from her surrendering to that risk. She acknowledges that there's a chance this may not work out, but you know, fuck it, I'm going to try.

I'm going to try. I'm going to try. So you can't convince yourself to trust people again. All you can do is trust people again and understand that you're going to get hurt. You could get hurt. But you have to let yourself be willing to embrace the pain. And the biggest problem that I see from people that I work with and to a certain degree to a chat is that people are so, their fear of pain allows them or prevents them from living today.

they're so concerned about being hurt again that they never engage in a relationship. Your stuckness comes from a fear of pain about what could happen. It doesn't come from actual pain. It comes from the hypothetical possibility of pain down the road. And so then you won't let yourself trust again. You won't open yourself up. You won't give yourself over to someone else and let them, like, give them the potential to hurt you. And it's just not how it works.

Like you're going to be stuck. And what Lily is done is say, fuck it. And she has possibly opened herself up to even more hurt than she felt before. And also is enjoying it in the moment, right? And, you know, Lily, we're here to support you of things, you know, if you're struggling in some way, by the way, just not flying. Thank you. But I think it's, I have a good feeling about this. Oh, man.

If it doesn't work out, you're the first person I'm going to mess. Okay. Well, then you can blame me. Okay. So, okay. So last question. How do you move past the honeymoon phase and continue to make it work? We used to have open communications like Lily has been talking about, but he has retreated back into his more loner type shell recently, and it's hard to get him to talk to me about deeper things anymore. I don't know how I can answer this because I'm still in the honeymoon.

I was thinking the same thing. I can't relate to this right now. Yeah. It's hard because, I mean, in the beginning, you think, yeah, we're always going to communicate with each other. We're always going to be honest with each other, but things can change. And that sounds really difficult. I don't know. I don't know if I have a good answer for this.

Yeah. So let me try to take a stab at it. So I think the first thing is that when people retreat. back into their like previous personalities like their kind of maladaptive personalities there's usually a cause for that right and and i think that trying to understand a little bit about like what has changed in that person's life that's causing them to kind of go back to comfort so the loner type shell is sort of like a comfortable place because he doesn't have to let people in and and he can kind of you know isolate his negative feelings from other people he doesn't want to show anyone he

doesn't want to, you know, he wants to just kind of retreat into himself. And, you know, I don't know exactly what the gender of the asker is, but I'm just going to assume for a moment that she's female. And so I think that your ability to, like, be empathic and recognize that there are deeper things that he's not talking about. He may not really understand that, right? So he may not be able to, like, put the pieces of the puzzle together in the way that you are. That there are deeper things going on, and that's why he's retreating. He may not understand. He may just think that he's behaving exactly like he used to. And the really sad thing about this is that there's not necessarily anything that you can do. It doesn't mean that you can't do anything, but I'm saying like, what we're talking about here with Lily is that you can't control what happens in a relationship. You can only try. So there's no magic answer here that's going to get him to open up. You can certainly try in their conversations that you can have. But the first thing that you have to accept is that if you want your communication to go back to the honeymoon phase, you can't do that on your own.

It takes two people. And we heard that from Lily today, right? So it sounds like the person that we shall not name also makes a sincere effort to like communicate and be open. And it takes two to communicate. So the best that I can kind of offer you is to like start by asking an open-ended question. So ask your partner like what like how do you feel about how a relationship is going? Are there things about it that you're concerned about? Or are there things about it that you're happy about?

Like, what are we doing well and what are we doing not so well? And then be transparent with them about saying, hey, I feel like you're kind of retreating into yourself and that we used to talk a lot more. This is the really tricky thing. Once you say something like that, they're going to get defensive. And the main thing that you want to do is disarm that defensiveness. And the way you disarm that defensiveness is by making it an us issue and not a you issue.

right so instead of saying you're retreating into your loan or shell can you please change say like hey what's going on like how can we understand like i used to feel more connected to you and i'm having trouble like feeling that way can you help me understand like how how can i feel like i don't know if it's on me right because this could be on you too it may not be that he's a loner it may just be that you're suddenly like more needing more emotional support and maybe you're the one that's changed So acknowledge that possibility to them and just acknowledge that you feel like we used to communicate a lot more and you feel like we're not communicating as much. And then ask your partner what they think about that. And what can the two of you do about that together?

Is there something that you're saying that causes him to retreat or is he frustrated by things, but just make it about us? This is the big thing, big, big, big, big thing. And this is why I'm also optimistic about Lily is because it sounds like the relationship is a two, Street. It's it's not about two individuals in a relationship. The relationship becomes the unit. It's no longer about me and you. It's about us and we. And the more that you kind of frame things towards like that, I think the less you'll disarm defensiveness. Got it? I like that. All right. Last thoughts or questions, Louis? Um, no, this was a nice conversation. Yeah. I really enjoyed it.

Yeah, was that, is that our goal? Is that? I cried very easily. Okay. I almost cried when you were telling you about your... There was some tears coming up, but I didn't cry. Tears of joy? Yeah, joy, joy, joy, joy.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, not sadness. Joy. Yeah. I was like, okay. Well, that's okay. I mean, you know, crying's not bad. Okay. Well, thanks a lot for coming on again, and I really enjoyed talking to you, and I'm really happy for, like, you know, where you've come,

and I'm optimistic for you and I'm rooting for you. And if there's any way that we can support you or help you or things like that, then let us know. Thank you. And strong work and good luck. You too. Take care. Good luck in your work. Okay.