HealthyGamerGG - How to Cope with Loss & Grief ft. Aba Atlas

Episode Date: December 3, 2020

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How's going, man? It's going good. It's going good. I actually haven't done one of these Discord calls like this in a while. Okay, perfect. Now we're good. Can you just start off by telling us a little bit? First of all, thanks for coming on stream today.

And can you just tell? So I understand that actually you have a fair number of fans in our chat already. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. But for the people who don't know who you are, can you tell us a little bit about yourself? Yeah. My name is Ab Atlas. I'm a YouTuber.

That's a lot of people know me. And yeah, 30 years old. Essentially do commentary or comedy-related videos. I also work as a full-time stand-up comedian, well, before this pandemic anyways. Wow. And that's the gist of it, really. That's cool.

So you just stand up and you said you do like commentary videos? Yeah. So we'll just, you know, talk about things that may be happening in the political sphere or just social commentary or sometimes we'll just. to, you know, just talk about anything really dating. That's cool, man. Yeah, yeah. And is there something, can you just tell us where people can find you, like what your

YouTube channel is? Yeah, if they just go on on YouTube and they put Abba and preach, like preaching. And Abbot's with 1B, so you don't have to make the Dancing Queen references. But, yeah, yeah, one B, then you'll be able to find us. Yeah. Cool. That's awesome, man. And so is there something in particular you wanted to talk about today or something that I

can help you with? Yeah, essentially, I guess the focal points of like the two things I really want was hoping to cover was mentorship and loss of loved ones. Oh, wow. Those two things can overlap a little bit, but yeah. Oh, that's actually sad if those overlap. Oh, yeah, generally. Which one do you want to start with? We can start with loss of loved ones.

I suppose my question centers around the idea that is the loss of, you know how they often say like time heals all wounds? I question whether or not that's true for all things. And when is it not true? Sure. And so yeah, that's my question. Yeah. So I think you have an answer that you suspect already. So what's your answer? I guess it depends on how you handle the wound, I suppose. Well said. And I'd say the same thing. So I think, you know, sometimes people come on here with questions and they expect me to give them answers. I think it's maybe not questions I have so much as it is.

Like I feel like sometimes I'm too close to the problem. And as a result, you know, when you put your hand right in from your face, it's blurry. I feel like I can't find a way to get enough distance to get some decent persuasive. I think it's just finding a space where I'm comfortable enough to allow somebody else to be my eyes to see the problem where I can't. I think that's a beautiful way to put what we do here. Because just to kind of clarify, I think you're the one who actually is going to have the answers. And we're just going to try to help you see what you already know and understand. And in short, I'd agree with you that I don't think time in and of itself heals all wounds.

I think that some things, the way that we treat the way that we treat, wound, I think, is exactly what I'd say. So some people, you know, the reason that time doesn't heal all wounds is because they dwell in the past. So it's never, they never really get time. Right? Like the past becomes the present. And yesterday, you're living in yesterday today. And so you never really get time. And so learning how to do that can be hard for some people. It's not, you know, some people comes kind of naturally. But I think sometimes maybe it'll help. Can you just tell us a little bit about what happened in your case and maybe who you lost? Yeah, yeah.

So I lost my father when I was 21. So that's about nine years, almost 10 years now. And I suppose the absence that was felt kind of never stopped being felt. And I would have interactions with people and I realized it was always going to be a tender spot for me. Which is why it's traditionally a topic I avoid altogether, even with people that are very close to me. And I think just looking at that and recognizing that it's so tender after so long, I just kind of always had issues with it. Yeah, so let's start with this. What's tender about the subject for you?

Just knowing that the reality is still there, and there's nothing that can be done to change that. And the longing that I have for that absence, you know, being filled or whatnot or the person in question, and it's just not going to go away. So I think just kind of always knowing that and knowing that can't be fixed, it's just like, well, I accept that it's gone, or that he's gone, but, but even though I accept it,

it doesn't make it any easier. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. You know, I think it's interesting because we sort of, nowadays everyone talks about mindfulness

and acceptance and how acceptance is the way forward. And what I'm hearing you say, Aba, is that, you know, you've accepted that your dad is, you know, gone, which is... Right. But it still hurts. And that's not what you were told. Mm-hmm. Right.

That acceptance is supposed to make it feel better. Right. And that time is supposed to feel better, but it's not feeling better. Right. Can you tell me about your dad? Yeah. So me and my father had a fairly... complicated relationship. When I was young enough, my parents ended up divorcing, and then my father

moved back to Ethiopia. And so as a result, there was like a separation period where I didn't see him much. And then afterwards, I was kind of, I had to leave my mom's place to go live with my dad for a number of years in Ethiopia. So that's where I, like, most of my child didn't happen. And then I got to spend time with him there. And, um, me, my, my mom's, my dad at the time still had a fairly tumultuous relationship because I think I had allegiances towards my mom and so there was a bit of resentment built there from some of the stuff that she told me or just wanting to support her was a form of not supporting him so we had a lot of friction over time sounds like you're caught in the middle partially I think I also put myself there to some

degree well I mean how much can a child put themselves in that position but as much as I can and looking back now as a grown-up, I think my dad did a commendable job to try to mend the bridge despite all the friction that was there and to be patient and to be tolerant, which most would say is his job, so that's fine. But yeah, I was able to live with him for a time and he took care of things,

and I ended up moving back. to Canada when I was around 15, 15 around that age. My last two years of high school. And as a result, I separated from my dad and was back to leave with my mom. And at the time, I still harbored a lot of resentment towards him, obviously with the situation involving him my mother. So that kind of built up and kind of just remained. About four years went by, turned around 1920. timeline's a little shoddy.

You have to forgive me. And I got a call from my mom saying my dad was in the hospital here in Canada, which was quite a shock to me because I hadn't heard from him in many, many years. And then, yeah, it turned out he had lung cancer, so he had a month to live. I mean, a month. I think it might have been two weeks, really. And, yeah, and he passed away after those two weeks had elapsed. you'd ask me about my relationship with them

so I got a little bit lost there you're going to have to forgive them yeah okay can I digest for a moment yeah feel free I'll take that time too damn dude you were thoughtful was I I was trying to just keep a straight timeline so I kind of I feel like I missed a lot of spots but I'll take no I mean that's no I think you're you're thoughtful I also think we're gonna have to so

I bet I don't know how familiar you are with kind of what we do. But so we're going to do a couple of things. Okay. One is we're going to talk a little bit. I want to help you understand a little bit about how your mind works. Mm-hmm. And I want you to pay attention to this phrase that you've used a couple of times.

You'll have to forgive me. Mm-hmm. Okay. So help me understand what you mean when you say that. Oh, I don't know if it's just a politeness thing, but normally when someone asks you question and you kind of wander off, if you wander off the beaten path, it's just traditional to kind of ask for forgiveness to get back on track if you make a... I completely agree. That's normally what it means.

Okay. And so what I'm kind of curious about is, you know, there's a part of me that just wants to fire something off, which is that I'm totally fine forgiving you. Question is, are you okay for giving yourself? Um, hmm. I mean, I feel like I am. Okay. I don't think I'm harboring any kind of resentment towards myself in that regards. I don't think so.

Okay. I could be wrong. Yeah. Well, I'm just curious. Yeah. So we'll see. So I just want you to pay attention to that, right? So I want you to pay attention to the part of you that is apologetic and pay attention to

whether that is just a function of conversation and politeness because you were raised to be a good little boy. Mm-hmm. Or whether there's actually something underneath that, which I have no idea because I have I met you like five minutes ago. So this is like where, so like what I do is I don't, I'm not going to give you answers. Aba,

what I'm going to do is like I'm going to, we're going to, you're going to, I'm going to give you maybe like a path to go down. And it's actually your job to tell me whether you think there's something there or not. All right. So on that note, I think if I couple that with the idea that I'm super reluctant to discuss whatever has happened to be with my dad to other people,

maybe there's a sense of shame that I feel in regards to the, tenderness I feel. And so when I'm talking about it and I feel lost, I feel maybe a certain sense of shame or disappointed myself, I guess, for not being able to manage it better. Manage what? Just the pain, just the, just the, the abundance, I guess, of emotions that kind of surround the topic, you know? So like if you ask me a straight question and I feel like I'm not able to do what I traditionally do, which is give you a straightforward answer, I feel like it's probably maybe linked to the problems I have with the topic. And so maybe that's why I'm apologizing,

potentially. Yeah. Yeah. So what I'm hearing there is that you're asking for forgiveness for not being what people expected you to be, right? You're saying, I'm sorry, I didn't give you what you asked for. Also what I expect to be, but fair. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Cool. I think those two, those two tend to go together. Okay. Right? So can I ask a couple more questions? So I may just point out like things to you and we'll see if I think there may be themes emerging here about.

Let me just make a note of, you know, talking about pain when it comes up. But can I ask you a little bit more so? You said your parents got divorced when you were young. Do you understand? Can you help us understand? And by the way, anything that you don't want to answer is off limits. Okay? So totally cool.

That's fine. And I know people say, oh, I'm an open book, but like you get to close the book at any point you want, right? You don't have to hold yourself to. You also don't have to apologize for closing the book. Yep. You just get to pull the plug at any point. So can you tell us a little bit about what your understanding is of why your parents got divorced? Oh, I don't think everything was, you know, my family, a lot of stuff shrouded mystery and secrecy, unfortunately.

But from what I've been able to infer in the conversations I've had with siblings, essentially it's just my father was tremendously unhappy. Part of that was his own selfishness, and I think part of that was also my mom's behavior, which hurts everyone as well. So I surmised it's a mix of those two things. And what's your understanding of why your dad was tremendously unhappy? Well, I mean, you know, my family is pretty well established where we're live out in Ethiopia. They're very well respected, very well known without going into too much detail.

And obviously due to war and conflict, they left, had an arduous detour to get to Canada. But, you know, despite being in a first world country for a lot of people from places like Ethiopia, things like that, It's a very, very different lifestyle. They often miss their homeland. And so I think just the quality of life wasn't great. And then also my mother's behavior, which could be very, it could be a lot to handle at times. And so... What do you mean by that?

What was a lot to handle? I think due to my mom's past, I think she has a very strong habit to project her unhappiness onto others. and it comes out in bad ways, whether it be nagging, whether it be, you know, negative comments, whether it be, you know, just, you know, most forms of toxic behavior that you can imagine. And so sometimes I can come out and it can wear on people around it. You know, for me, there's a gap between nagging and toxic,

most forms of toxic behavior. Yeah. So I kind of think about one as like, you know, like a little bit annoying and another is like talk it depends on the frequency you know when it's a barrage you know it's kind of like uh you know doesn't do a lot of damage but it's constantly hitting what what should sure what should what would she say or do can you give us an example um i think it was just a constant reminder that things weren't done that things weren't done well enough that things could be better that um unhappy with this situation constant complaints like it just

seemed like what was around her was never good enough. And I think everyone was partially to blame. And so you just constantly heard it. What would she, would she say that to you too? She would say that to me or in front of me or to my siblings or to my father. So, so yeah. And would she sometimes say, like, would she think that you weren't doing good enough? Um, well, I had a weird experience. So I'm, I'm, I'm the fourth. child of seven. Okay. So I'm right smack dab in the middle.

So I kind of was able to pass unnoticed in my life. Okay. So I would, I would hear it every now and then, but it was pretty rare. I think I heard it at specific points in my life, but not throughout it consistently, no. So it sounds like maybe your dad was unhappy and your mom was also unhappy and sort of blamed him for her unhappiness. Yes. Yes.

And, um, You said you had siblings. Can you tell me a little bit about your siblings? Yeah. So there's three boys and four girls. I'm the second oldest boy. Two of them are from a different life, and so they're half siblings. And the rest are all from my mom. What would you like to know about my siblings? It's a good question. I'm just, you know, just tell me, you know, sometimes people, things will pop out about them. I guess, like, what's your relationship with them like?

Yeah, yeah. I'm not actually close to most of my siblings, except for my older brother, the rest of them. I don't speak too much at all. Okay. If anything. Yeah. Yeah. So my older brother, I'm pretty close with, and we talk, you know, fairly regularly.

And the rest of my siblings is not so much. And what was your older brother's relationship with your dad like? He also had a fairly tumultuous relationship. I think we all, as children, kind of internalized that towards our dad to living with our mom. So, yeah. He had a similar relationship with him. When you say internalized, what does that mean? Just like our mom's, our mother's opinion of our father, we had internalized.

And what was that opinion? but he was unreliable that he was selfish and yeah just generally just bad okay okay and so you said they got divorced when you were how old probably say around three four okay and so you were in Canada for how many years before you moved to Ethiopia Probably like six, seven. Okay. So it sounds like your mom blamed your dad for a lot when you were kind of growing up. And can you help me understand, you know, once again, welcome to not answer anything.

Why you moved to Ethiopia at the age of six or seven? Oh, just financials. I think my mom was struggling a little bit with money. And so for her, it was easier to kind of get her money together. And then, you know, instead of like renting and being struggling with a job, she was able to buy a house and then bring us back and have a legitimate home. Okay. Okay. So, and then did you guys have a relationship? So it sounds like between three and six or seven, or four, for a period of three years, you didn't really see your dad much? No. No, no, I didn't give at all. And what did you, what did you, what happened when you moved back to Ethiopia? Well, I mean, it was kind of weird. You know, you don't see someone and they're like, oh, that's your father, but you don't, you don't really have any idea what they're like. And so you're kind of apprehends.

of at first, but as a child, you go where you're told. And yeah, it was very, like, it was like a weird transition where there was always a lot of distance, always a lot, like, who is this man? And I think that kind of persisted for a long time, but over time, I think I at least understood that he was reliable. Okay. And so what were your interactions with him like when you were like, you know, seven, eight, nine?

I mean, they were the same that they were like when I was like 15. I think I just went for him when I needed things. And I think he knew not to push topics because I would probably shut down on him. And he was just there if I absolutely needed it. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

So I'm going to ask you, Abba. Do you want me to share with you some thoughts? or do you want me to ask you more questions? I have a bunch of questions. But I'm sort of picking out a little bit of a theme. Why don't we go with a couple more questions? And then if that theme still there, then you can hit me. Perfect.

So you said that, and then you started living with him when you said you were 15? Or sorry, like, you lived with him or you were just back in Ethiopia at some point? I was back in Ethiopia living with him. So you were living with him between like seven and 15. Okay. Yep. and so it sounds like if you wanted something from him or you needed something from him you would kind of you guys would sort of interact but i'm not getting a sense of a lot of like

free flowing and natural father-suds sort of interactions um no i wouldn't say that was there i wouldn't say that was there but there were times where i may have needed him to help me with something and um he would show up so i think that would probably probably the closest thing, but other than that, he just provided and made himself available when I needed it. I think I just never grabbed the olive branch, if you will. How do you feel about that? Good question. I think looking back now, I probably don't feel that great about it, just knowing, yeah, I think just knowing you don't get that opportunity back, that part is unfortunate.

it. But I think I forgive myself only because I understand that I was a child and I made the decisions I did then. But yeah, you know, just because you accept or you forgive yourself doesn't make it suck any less, right? So, yeah. Sure. And what do you forgive yourself for? What I perceive to be the, I guess for, for, I imagine it must have been hard for him, right? to want to be present in your child's life and your child constantly rejects you in a roundabout way. I imagine that must be difficult. Yeah. Okay.

So you say, I mean, that's a big pile of self-forgiveness. And so, I mean, it's quite amazing if you've really forgiven yourself for constantly rejecting your dad. Hmm. and causing him a lot of hurt. It begs a question. Did I really forgive myself? Yeah, I don't know. It's a good question.

So let me ask you, what's painful when you think or talk about your dad? Okay. Well, when I was 19, I ended up joining the military. And it was at the height of like when people were going to, Afghanistan and whatnot. So it was quite a lot of that going on. And, you know, I come from a Muslim family. And so obviously what I told my mom was joining, she was quite disappointed and angry. And I think after that, we hadn't spoken on almost two years. But I remember going through basic training. And even though basic training is not the most difficult thing. It is a stressful

thing. It was very stressful for me, mostly because of the fact that I was not used to this kind environment where there was discipline and people looking over your shoulders and all these orders that you have to constantly file and like you know all these different tasks that I was just not competent at I struggled quite a lot to be honest with you I I fixed I write it the wrongs you know and then got it got it going eventually probably by like my second month into basic and and then I was like really steady but it was very difficult at first and I remember when you're in basic you're kind of locked in a space with with 60 other people who you're platoon mates and you go through these rigorous training for that period.

And I think what made it extra hard for me was during that period, I had nobody I could talk to when the day was stressful, right? Like, people go to the pay phones to talk, and I just didn't have any kind of support system in that regards. There are people that could be like, hey, man, just keep pushing. And I managed to get through Basic, and I did my, I was in the middle of my initial service when the call about my father came in. and I remember going to the hospital.

I haven't not seen the man in many, many years. And he was kind of frail looking. And yeah, I remember seeing him. And the first thing that he told me, again, this is after I hadn't spoken to family members in many years. The first thing he told me was that when he heard, I had joined. I don't just give me a second. All right.

Yeah, the first thing he told me that he was proud. And I think when I heard that, it was hard because I immediately had to, I had to leave the room just to just to find myself like a corn in the hospital. I just remember crying a lot. And I'd called my best friend at the time. He'd never heard me like that. And I didn't know what had overcome me at the time. but I think looking back now, I realize that, I think at the time I'd realize that, despite never realizing it, I'd always want to hear that. It's not even about the military.

I think I always wanted to have that. And, yeah, I think that was the hard part. Yeah, it just hit me. I guess it was like a whole childhood of not having that, right? So, I think that's what's hard about it. So, yeah, that was tough for me. You know, it's kind of interesting, right? How tough it can be to get exactly what you need.

Generally speaking, when I ask people, you know, if you get exactly what you need, would you consider that to be tough? Generally speaking, people wouldn't say yes. I think it's because a lot of times people don't even realize what is that they need. Yeah. I think I'd just been functional, moving through life that way. And I think that moment kind of made me realize. on the absence.

And it kind of shone a light on I think maybe just things that I didn't know I yearned for, you know, or things I convinced myself I didn't want. And, uh, yeah. So, Abba, yeah. I should ask you more questions, but I'm going to give you an answer at this point.

I think the reason that you have trouble getting over the loss of your dad is because you lost, you lost him a long time. before he passed away, right? And he lost you a long time before he passed away. And so if all you're grieving is his death, you're missing out on a big part of what you need to mourn. Another thing that's maybe this time said,

I think over the last four or five years, we've had like a lot of success. And very humbling to be able to connect with so many people, whether it be through stand-up or through this YouTube stuff. And one of the many joys that I have now is to be able to take care of the people around me. You know, there's something that's for me extremely fulfilling about that aspect of my life. But oftentimes people ask me if I'm proud. And I always think back to the moments and I feel like the reason why I often feel like I'm not proud.

Because I think the one person that I wanted to showcase to that I could do it, isn't around. You know, I felt like I was supposed to support my mother and then kind of prove to my dad that I could do it. And I think I just, I lost that opportunity in a way. I think that's the, that's the, that's a bit of the hole that I feel.

Sure. And the mourning that I think doesn't stop. I think it's just, you're right about having not been able to mourn everything else before that. Yeah, I think that's a good observation. So Abbas, you're bad proud of you? I think he, yeah. I think he was proud of me.

I think, I guess I just wanted to show more. You know, despite everything, my parents gave up a lot for us. And, you know, there's a huge part of me that wants to be able to repeat that. Partially for them, but I think also partially for myself. So then that they don't have to worry. So this is going to sound a little bit weird, but I take, I take, I take, issue with many of the words that you choose. So you say he was proud of you.

That's not the question I asked. I asked, is he proud of you? I mean, I think I use the word was just because, you know, Van is dead. Yep. I know, and I'm sure for a lot of people, there's like the idea of afterlife where people live on through you. I personally don't subscribe to stuff like that. I mean, maybe in a way, maybe their lessons and their influence, you know, lives on through you.

But I think, the end of the day, I think there's, very if you think like the material presence. For me personally. I'd agree. So I'd say even if you, I'm not talking about the afterlife. So I think what we need to do is really understand what he was saying to you that day that he saw you in the hospital.

Like, what do you think he was proud of? What I'd become? Who I was standing before. So that's why I ask in the present tense, because I don't think he was proud of you just in that moment. He was proud of what you had. become and he was proud of what he knew you would be.

Right? I think I think he's proud of you. I mean, even he's dead. I'm not talking about an afterlife or a soul or anything like that, although this thoughts and feelings can certainly be comforting. Don't get me wrong. What I'm, what I'm talking about is I think he saw the person. I mean, the person that you are today was what he got a glimpse of like nine years ago.

Hmm. Right? And like, you know, like, I don't know. have kids? No. No. No. It's something that honestly you may better understand if you you know

choose to or lucky or unlucky to have kids one day. Maybe you'll understand that like you you know what they're going to be right? And in that moment there's a part of me that says that like he wasn't talking about just that moment. He was talking about what had come before that moment and what was going to come after that moment. Why do you think it is that I'm unable to believe that? I don't know why.

Am I rejecting it? I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. So that's a good question. It's the right question. Let me just think about whether I want to ask you. What do you reject about it?

You know, you say parents know what their kids are going to become. I just never felt like anybody knew I was going to do any of this. and I'm not here to be like, oh, wow, look at everything. But I just, I can honestly say, I don't think I've ever had anyone. Believe in me in that way. Well, bro. Yeah. I think that.

I know my dad showed it in that moment, but I think prior to that, I just, I think I just had never seen it. And so maybe, yeah. Yeah. I think that's your answer. Right? So like, let me, let me put some context around it. So I think the reason you can't believe it is because, you know, just the tiniest amount did so much for you. And you just weren't used to that.

You couldn't understand what that meant in that moment. Even now, you're struggling to understand it. Why is it hard for you to accept it? Because it's new. It's like the first time you eat like a chili, right? It's like it takes some time to get used to things that are new to you. And what I'm hearing from you is that you were starved. Like, I mean, like, seriously, bro, you got a more and way more than his death.

And we'll get to other reasons. I mean, if you want really what's going, I mean, I'll just like tell you, okay? Like, this is a shot in the dark. But, I mean, I think the reason that you have trouble accepting it is because, like, if you accept it, it changes a lot for you. So, like, you know, I mean, when you say things like, I went to him only when I needed him, I shut him down. I say you were put in the middle and then you respond with because like a kid it's funny because you even sort of noticed this. I said like so it sounds like you got caught in between your parents and then your answer is I put myself there. Right.

And then you even catch yourself and then you like you say afterward well I guess you can't really put yourself there as a kid. So like how do you understand that? Like why would you say those statements back to back? And what I'm hearing from you is a lot of a lot of responsibility. for a lot of these situations, I've forgiven myself for continuously rejecting my dad for not taking the olive branch.

And what I hear in you, Abba, is like a war between what you understand to be true and what you feel. Which is that you can't really blame a kid, but I think you blame yourself. And I think when you talk about shame, like, why do people feel shame?

Like, what does shame come from? I think on some, level like you also feel guilt, I guess. And I think the real problem is that like you've gotten very, very used to that feeling. You've sort of like built this version of yourself that's like positive in spite of that, but it's still a big part of who you are. And I think if you accept that your dad was proud of you, then like it's hard to blame yourself, which feels weird and uncomfortable. And there I fully admit I may lose you. But, like, there's something weird going on where I think, like, if you accept that your dad is proud of you, you have to let go of some of that pain.

And I don't think you want to. I think you like blaming yourself for rejecting your dad. I did, I did, uh, it's like you deserve it. Hmm. Yeah, I did partially come to the conclusion that I was holding on to all this stuff because I think it was part of my identity. Um, or that, I did. I deserve it. So I'll ask in a different way.

Okay. It's going to be a stupid question, and I expect a stupid answer, but an honest one. Give me whatever's in your heart, and you don't have to answer. Give me the right answer. For a guy who doesn't talk to his dad for four years or five years or six years, dad is dying of lung cancer. You walk in. He says, I'm proud of you.

What does that guy deserve? Do you deserve to be happy? The first way that came to mind was everything. I feel like in a weird way, I feel like that moment kind of saved me. What did it save you from? I think it made me realize what problems I had going on in the inside. Maybe not to what degree. But I think I realized that something was really wrong.

Something was really missing. And I think I sought it out in a lot of different places unknowingly. And I think that's why I said everything. I feel oddly grateful. I feel grateful. Oh, my dude. Because, you know, as terrible as it is to lose them that way, I think, like, imagine if I'd even have that. Yeah, Abba, this is, this is complicated, dude.

So listen. So I'm with you. I'm glad you feel grateful. I think everything's the right answer. It blew me away, to be honest. I was envisioning something else. But now I'm going to share something else with you. So like here's what you have to mourn, right?

Like here's what you have to mourn is that you can be grateful that you're lucky, that you got what you needed. And at the end of the day, for a lot of your life, you did deserve everything, but you didn't have anyone to call in basic. You know, I think a lot of the sadness comes from like, it really comes from loss, man. It comes from that you deserved everything, but you didn't get everything.

all you got was barely enough. Yeah. I think I just accepted, even though I know it probably hurt me and, you know, yeah, and also shaped me. I think I've kind of accepted the lack with which I was raised.

I think I've had to learn to forgive my mother for what she did. But yeah, I think when you speak of, like, I just don't even... I recognize the absence of things that were in my childhood, but I think what I think about the... I'm like, it is what it is rather than... Yeah, that's the problem.

So this is going to sound kind of weird, okay? It's completely counterintuitive and probably wrong, but just hear me out here. So mourning is about loss. Right. Right? And so here's the crazy thing. I think, Abba, you've got to accept less. And so, like, there's a part of me that says,

that like when you accept that you weren't given much, when you accept that you grew up without much, you're kind of like taking that loss away. Right? So in a sense, in theory, what you're doing is accepting that there was a loss. But I think actually if you really want to mourn, what you've got to do is reject it. Because you deserved everything.

Like, it's just, it's shining through just in little, little bits. So like, if you deserved everything, And that's your first answer. Why on earth aren't you pissed? Why on earth aren't you screaming to the heavens that this is unfair and this shouldn't happen like this? That like my dad should have been proud of me for years and I should have had a relationship with him. And just when things were turning around, he was taken away from me. I think for a few reasons.

I think one, I think holding on to resentment and anger oftentimes for me is just not led to good places. Violence in particular. I was a violent teenager. Super violent. Okay. I think if it wasn't for the military, I probably would have landed myself in way more trouble. I think that's one reason why I don't want to hold on to it. Two, it's, I don't even know if forgiveness is possible if you don't fully go through the path that you mentioned,

but I think I can't have any form of forgiveness if I hold on to that. And three, I can't change what has happened in the past. And so if I cannot change it and it only leads to me potentially engaging in destructive behavior and the inability to forgive those people around me it stands to reason that I don't want to hold on to that idea of like I reject and I'm angry because, you know, I am. To be fair, I probably, if I wanted to go back there

and really think back on it, I could probably resurface those experiences and find reasons to be angry and justified reason. But I ask what purpose does it serve if I can't get forgiveness and I can't get like a real sense of catharsis, at least not one that I can imagine? Yeah, so this is, okay, now I'm more confident. Because here's the thing, right? Like, so, so like here's, here's what I'm hearing app as you're not letting yourself feel what you feel because it serves no point in your head.

And you wonder why you're stuck. I think if I, if I do the cost analysis benefit, I feel like there's more downsides than I could see potential upsides. I think I just, I can't see your, you're, I completely agree with your cost analysis. Okay. And it's not how feelings work. Okay. If the reason that you can't stop mourning is because you're doing a cost analysis of the benefits and costs of mourning and you choose not to do it, then no fucking wonder you're stuck. So my question is, how do you mourn?

So like, you're familiar with these cubular, the Kubler loss grief stages? This is like psychology 101. Yeah, yeah, something about like denial and then... Denial and anger at the top. Yeah. And what you did, my dude, is skip right past those to like acceptance. And so, like, that's why you're stuck broke. Hmm.

Right? You're afraid of your anger, but it's a part of you. It's a part of who you are. Like, there's a big difference between not telling yourself that shit is unfair and saying, like, okay, like, I should be grateful. I should be grateful that on his deathbed, my dad told me once in my life that he's proud of me. Like, what the fuck, bro? Like, I appreciate that as someone who tries to, you know, get people to engender gratitude and feel like so much resent.

Like, people are like, you know, burnt out, they're resentful about life. I'm with you. I don't think it's a good idea to hold on to resentment. But I think you got to pick it up from time to time so that you could put it where it belongs. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Like, I mean, if you're the Bala Lama, sure. Like, you know, being grateful that your dad was like, like, I'm not, I'm not saying you shouldn't be grateful for that moment.

I'm not saying it isn't a powerful moment. I'm not saying it isn't a transformative moment. But I think you're allowed to be angry and you're afraid of what's going to happen if you let yourself be angry. And that's exactly why you can't let the anger go. Mm-hmm. And I think that there's a part of you, yeah. I just don't, I wouldn't know how to channel it. Yeah.

How do you, how do you channel that emotion in a constructive way? You know, like if you're a football player and you're aggressive and you got some aggression anger, like maybe you channel it on the field, right? Like, how would I channel those emotions into, I guess, something good, you know? Yeah, so I think that's what I want. That's the problem is you don't channel it into something good. Okay. You don't channel it, right?

You sit with it. Okay. Like, Abba, what you need to say to yourself is like, first of all, like I think you've got to get angry with yourself because I think you are angry at yourself I think I think you you blame yourself on some level like understandably so

so I think you're halfway there like you're kind of saying like I was a kid right like my mom like there are all kinds of irrational thoughts and this is the problem is your thoughtful guy it's your fucking problem so like let me just toss out a random chain of thinking to you okay

okay So like, you know, if you were resentful towards your dad, like you don't blame yourself because you were a kid, right? And what do kids know? Right. And so he extended the olive branch and the only time you ever like gave him the time of days when you needed something from him. Like, holy shit. Like that's a bad way to interact with another human being. And you're a good dude. You're a thoughtful dude. So you're like you've learned to forgive yourself for that. But then like there's there are other thoughts under there. Like why was I this way towards my dad? Why was I robbed of this opportunity? Because. because of my mom. Because she taught me this stuff, because she brainwashed me. And if it weren't from my mom, if my mom was a different person, maybe I would have had a different relationship with my dad. And I'm not saying that that's correct, but what I'm saying is that like it feels healthy to me

to think those thoughts and let yourself think those thoughts. To blame yourself, to blame your mom, to blame your dad, to blame a God that you don't even believe in, blame everything under the sun. and then accept and then forgive right that's what you need to do

like you're missing like this piece of like my God man you need to climb on top of a mountain and you need to scream about how unlucky you are and then also recognize that you're blessed because this is what life is man

life is not either or right? Like if you look at the yin yang, there's a tiny black dot in the whites part and there's a tiny white dot in the black part. And so like should you be grateful? Like was your dad proud of you? Like absolutely. Should you be fucking angry that you guys were just starting to build something and that you got robbed, dude? And that's not fair. and you shouldn't like I respect you for accepting it but there's a part of me that says

holy fuck you shouldn't have to accept it no one deserves a life where they have to accept what you have accepted and that acknowledgement needs to be there too and I don't know if you do that part no I don't so that's actually a rejection

right like what you're not accepting is that you shouldn't need to accept so much And like, like, I get that you're like, you're thoughtful and you're clearly resilient and you're clearly like forward thinking and you're about growth and moving forward. So you, the last thing you want to do is throw yourself a fucking pity party. Like I would guess that you're, it's very hard for you to throw yourself a pity party, if not impossible. I just think it's unproductive. Exactly. Right.

And so that like here's here's a quick answer for you. Okay. Abba. If you're stuck with something, just do the thing that you don't do. That's fair. Right? I think the big reason why I didn't do it, I think, is part of what you hit on earlier, which I think I've kind of built my identity around it in some way or shape or form. Having that removed, I just couldn't imagine what that would be like.

Yeah. Yeah. So I think that that's fair, right? So I think this is where, like, what you need to do, Abbas, integrate. not separate. And like that's what you're doing. It's like you're figuring out like what's adaptive. And I think that's why it's hard for you because it's been like adaptive to be this way.

Like you're amazing dude. Went through basic training, YouTuber, comedian. You made something of yourself that your dad would be proud of. I'm not trying to get you to cry again. I'm just saying like objectively. No, no, don't worry. I think I've got all tears out. I'll think I have anything left for now.

You know, child of immigrants like you kind of made something. of yourself and it's amazing. And but there are all kinds of other things like, you know, like you don't want to sound like an ungrateful little bitch, but like you get to be an ungrateful little bitch from time to time. Hmm. Hmm. And so I think what you're doing is rejecting that part of you.

Hmm. Like in a weird way. Like you're like, you're not going to be that kid that you probably felt like. Like, like you don't want to let yourself. And we see it poking through. like how did you feel when you had no one to call it basic training? I think I took notice of it, but I think I just try to shut it down. There it is.

Right, right, right. It is what it is. Yeah, I think it's probably like a survival tool that probably outlived its use. You know, because I think in short periods and in times of like difficulty, I think it's important to have those. But I think now and especially where I'm at and I have time to spend with my thoughts and my ideas. That's like, oh, I don't need that, but I still operate underneath that mode. And that's, yeah.

I mean, you keep on going on that track and we'll be switching seats real soon. I'm serious. Yeah. Because, Abba, you're spot on that, like, that was adaptive. And now it's maladaptive. Hmm. Right, which is exactly what you just explained. You've understood that.

Huh? Yeah. It just reminds me of like those stories about like those old war robots who are like commissioned for one function and the war ends and like they have to find meaning. Right. Yeah. Yeah. That's exactly where you are.

I think it's a beautiful analogy. Hmm. Because your life has been a war, bro. Yeah. I mean, I probably, I probably wins on the inside trying to be that dramatic. But I get what you're saying. I also think the other part of it is like there's a fear of not knowing. Yeah.

Like, there's a fear of not knowing who's going to be on that other side or what they look like. Because, you know, you're comfortable in what you know. So what you know is conflict or what you know is just like this adapt, you know, 100% just try to adapt every situation irrespective of like your inner state. Then the other side of that, it's like a, I guess, a sense of new discovery. So I think that's frightening as well. Good. Because I'm comfortable with who I am. And maybe there's just certain aspects of that that I need to shed, I suppose.

Yeah. Well done, sir. Easy. Making my job easy. Doing all the heavy lifting guys. I mean, you know what I mean? Just a couple of those nuggets of information. I'm like, okay, now I could see the painting a little bit.

Yeah. Like I said at the beginning, you're thoughtful. So you're right that what you need now is courage. The war robots are just a fucking brilliant analogy, dude. Because what is the role that you have? Right. And like, I think it all is like ties to. together because what you're saying to me is that you've built a life where your anger is shoved into

the basement. You've built a life where like these feelings that have been destructive in the past, you haven't really, I mean, you sort of conquered them, but you sealed it away. And now what I'm asking you to do is like open it up again. You're like, fuck. Yeah. What if everything come? And so this is where like you got to have faith in yourself and you got to have courage that like you can't, you're not going to be able to be able to mourn as long as you have, you know, deep emotions about yourself walled off. And very practically about your dad, I just revisit. I think part of the reason that you're not done mourning yet is because you got to mourn

when he's alive. I think you've probably done enough about when he's passed away. Yeah. Yeah. And you got to, you know, think and like talk to your brother and maybe see a therapist or do a lot of soul searching. You're just turning that noggin on on top of. your shoulders to this problem.

And I think you'll get really far, really fast. Okay. It's a lot to think about that's good. Yeah. So just quickly about mentorship. Yes. Sorry. Nope.

I think it's, I don't think, if it's okay with you, I don't think we need to dive into it. I don't think mentorship is like, I think it's like a, sorry for being judgmental here, but I think it's like a

late manifestation of like a lot of the stuff that we're talking about. I think as you start to explore, I mean, just to put it simply, I don't know if this is going to make sense or not, but like, you know, I think it's good that you already tied together mentorship with like loss of a loved one,

but I think it goes back to, you know, even before your dad passed away, I think it goes back to basic training. That story's powerful. And that story tells us a lot about your experience of life. Like when you don't have someone to call, right? Like you said to us,

they had people to tell them to encourage them to push through. Right? They had people like father figures who were like, you can do it, bro. I have faith in you. And so I think the mentorship conversation is about like, you know, finding someone who can. But I mean, I think you got to first sort of grapple with that loneliness. You got to grapple with like, there's a lot of concrete stuff about mentorship we can talk about. But I think at the end of the day, I mean, what I'm getting, Abba is like you're a dude who grew up alone. Yeah, that's very accurate.

Right? And that is hard. You want to be grateful for that? No. Mm-hmm. I'd say, like, do you feel alone now? And don't, don't answer with, like, whether you have friends or not. And I'm asking you, do you feel alone?

And also, be feeling alone doesn't have to feel bad. Mm. Do you feel alone? I don't feel alone. But I do feel like there's elements in my life that are missing that are really important. Yep. You know, and you don't, again, it's like one of those things. You don't know you need it until you see it, right?

And I remember, you know, I have a friend of mine, she's a, she's a work colleague, if you will. She's a comedian, and she's older than I'm in early 40s. And we've worked together on comedy shows, and she invited me over for a Thanksgiving dinner. So I went to her place. and I remember just sitting at this like long table. And there was like 20 people, right? Like all extended family, everyone's sitting. Like everyone does a little prayer at the beginning.

And then they pass along with stuffing and the meats and stuff like that. And they're all talking to each other, you know, fairly cordially. And not in a manner that's like we have to keep up appearances. You can tell this are general likeness between like most of the people conversing with each other. And I just, I remember it so vividly. But I was just like, oh, this is how like a family spoke. to function if it's at it's optimal. And I was like, I'm 27 and I'm just like realizing it.

Like I never, we never had family dinners, you know? And it's just like the absence of things like you don't, I don't feel alone, but I also can't recognize the absence of something that I never had. And so it's hard to understand the weight and the impact of that. So maybe I feel more things than I realize. It's just because it's my default, it just seems like nothingness. Does that make sense? Yeah, it makes perfect sense.

I love your robot analogy. Hmm. You watch Star Trek? Uh, a little bit. You know what Commander Data is? Uh, does he work on board the Starship Enterprise? Yeah, so he's like an Android. Okay.

And like, you remind me of data because you're kind of like, you're like a robot that's sitting at a Thanksgiving table for the first time, and you're like, oh, this is what all humans are supposed to be like. Yeah. Right? And the interesting thing about data is that. Like, he doesn't wake up every day and, like, cry because he feels alone. He's just like, this is, you know, so I think Abba, in a sense, like, look, don't get me wrong.

You have a lot to be grateful for. But I think you also, like, missed out on a lot, dude. And I think you've got to acknowledge that. And you've got to say, like, it wasn't okay. And then you've got to start moving towards it. I think some of that stuff is going to be like re-engaging with your inner demons, but like you're not the teenager that you used to be. You know, you're like you're like a man grown now. Like you've gone through basic training.

You're a comedian. You're a YouTuber. You have a successful professional career. You have a better relationship with your emotions. You're a man that your dad would be proud of. And I have faith in you that like you can handle what's in that basement. Like when you were 16 and living with you. with your dad and full of resentment and like being a little bitch

like of course anger got the best of you but that's not the person that you are right now I guess it's yeah I guess it's the moving forward towards it part that I think I was missing for so long but I think you kind of gave me tips on what that could look like for me so yeah so here's the last tip don't do it alone Mm-hmm. Aren't you to stop being a pillar? Lean on someone. Let someone be there for you.

Make that phone call because this time someone's going to answer. Now you have someone, I don't care who it is. I'm sure there are people in your life. Yeah. Yeah. We've got people. Teach yourself how to not solve all your own problems. Hmm.

Yeah. I'll do that. Thoughts, questions, reflections. Very insightful. Looks like your hand is in, I'm seeing you focused. Yeah, I know. I feel like I got a couple steps back.

And, you know, these are all ideas that we're floating, but now I can, like, I could put them on the campus. And so it's just, that was really good for me, I think, in that regards. Let yourself be helped, let yourself be angry. Let yourself be all the things that you've taught yourself to not be. Yeah. It's funny because just the thought of doing that makes me uncomfortable. But I think that's why I have to move towards it.

So it's good. Yep. Good. Man, Abby, you're special, dude. Really? Thank you. I appreciate that. There you go.

Learning how to take compliments, too. Yep. See, look at how thoughtful you are, how self-aware. Do you meditate? Not in the traditional sense, but I think I do just sit there with my thoughts a lot. Okay. You want to learn the traditional sense?

Sure. You were saying something? Sorry? I was just saying like oftentimes before I go to sleep I'll just lay my bed and just sit with my thoughts for hours and I like write down ideas sometimes

and it's good. So that's like this is my version. But yeah, I'd love to learn your version. Yeah. So let me just explain just very quickly. So I think it's awesome that you do that but that's not meditation. Okay.

So meditation is the opposite of what you do. which is to sit with yourself without thoughts. Okay. So when you say I sit with my thoughts, there's the thoughts in the mind is the object, is the thing that you're sitting with. It's not the sitter. Does that make sense?

I always wondered about that. Because I felt like if you can observe it, there must be some separation between you and it. Yep. Very good. And so that's why I just always assumed that you're sitting with your thoughts. Yep. Or your feelings, perhaps, sometimes. Yep.

So that still means that you are not your thoughts or your feelings. Right. So I think the reason that you need to learn meditation is because you need to learn what that sitter is. And cultivate time with just the sitter. Mm-hmm. And the more that you cultivate time with just the sitter, then you have no reason to fear a particular emotion. Right? So so far your life, it's good.

You've learned this distance on your own. But you've learned that you are not your thoughts or your feelings. And sometimes what happens is your feelings become you. So there are times where anger takes control. And then the sitter disappears. You're not sitting with your anger anymore. you're one with your anger. Does that make sense? It's okay if it doesn't. Okay. It makes sense conceptually. I think it's just in practice, but yeah. Yeah. So, so like,

practically what we're going to teach you how to do is teach you how to be the sitter. And then we're going to call up the anger and it won't sweep you away because that's what you're, I get the sense what you're afraid of is that the anger is going to sweep you away if you let it out. Because that's what it's done in the past. Like you mentioned you've been like violent and stuff before. Right. So like in the same way as you become a trained sitter, you're going to learn how to like sit with that anger and like it won't sweep you away. And you'll just, it'll just be stuff that you think about or feel. So I want to say, I think you're going to be gifted at meditation, but I don't want to set an

expectation for you. So let me say, rather than gifted, I think that you will really, really appreciate what a meditative tradition has to offer. Because some of the observations, like, I don't know how to say this, Aba, and I don't know if this is going to make sense. But, you know, there aren't many people like you. Do you feel that way? Yeah, I do. Yeah.

So here's the thing. If you want to find people like you, learn to meditate. Hmm. Because there are going to be more people who, like, kind of operate, like, sort of like you do. Mm-hmm. But it's hard. So let me just teach you something. questions, thoughts of that?

No. No. Okay. Let me think. What am I going to teach you? You have a drink. You have a beverage, right? Yeah.

Some water. Do you have any other beverages that you're open to consuming? I only drink water. That's it. Okay. I'm pretty boring. No, that's fine. Just thinking.

Okay. This is going to sound kind of weird. Okay. So I've got like a formal technique that I'm going to teach you, but I don't feel like doing that. So I'm going to, we're going to try something. It's probably going to fail catastrophically. And then we'll resort to the formal technique, which is fine.

Okay, because we've got to be okay with failing catastrophically. I should have closed your eyes. Okay, just like, this is going to sound weird, but just notice your existence. Right. So, like, how do you know that you exist? You can answer. It's a question. It's not rhetorical.

You can take your time. My ability to observe. Okay. Excellent. See, that's the right answer. Okay. So then what is, what is it, that you're observing?

Darkness, sound. Okay. So who is it that's doing the observation? I feel like there's like a supercomputer in the back and it's just utilizing its tools. Okay. So the supercomputer. That's a good answer too. So tell me, tell me about the supercomputer.

What's the, does the supercomputer have a name? No. Good. Right again. Ask it its name. Okay. So if you ask it its name, who is the you and what is the it? I constantly feel like there's a supercomputer utilizing all these tools, and then it relates the information to me.

Very good. So it's supercomputers all the way back. Okay. Does that make sense? Yes, exactly. Okay. So then is the supercomputer a man? So it's going to sound weird.

To me, it's just like, it's just nothingness. It's like this darkness. Good. Good. So now we're going to teach you something, right? So like, will the supercomputer be bothered by your anger? No. Will it be bothered by your resentment? No. Does the supercomputer miss your dad?

No. When I ask you about your dad, do you lose the supercomputer? No. I feel like its work is harder, but I don't know. Good. Excellent. Man. Yeah. Abby, you got to do the shit, bro. So now all we're going to do, so this is the, so basically the point of meditation is to like sit with just the supercomputer. So now we're going to do something a little bit different. So all we need to do is focus one of our indrias or sense organs on anything.

And what we want to do, so open your eyes. hold on one second. Yep, I can see it. Okay, so this is what I want you to do. I just want you to look at it. Okay, you can blink and stuff, no big deal. Just look at sort of the center. And I want you to notice, now this is where things get hard, okay?

I want you to look at it and notice that you can see it, but seeing is a sense organ. Okay? So you can look at the thing. Now what I want you to try to do is have the supercomputer look at the looking. So can you observe that you are looking at something? And if there is a capacity of looking and make make the looking the object

of what you are seeing. And so in a sense, you can even look at something else. So like you can look at different parts of the image and notice that like, okay, there's a triangle in the middle. So right now I'm looking at the triangle. And then I'm looking at the triangle. the pedals. But irrespective of what I'm looking at, there is some kind of looking going on, and I can just watch the looking. Does that make sense? Is it possible that this kind of exercise

is harder with your eyes open? The reason why I ask, the only reason why I ask is because when you had told me earlier to focus on one thing and you let the supercomputer kind of observe, I try to focus on what I was feeling. and I don't know this is kind of weird but I felt like the supercomputer

was just looking at fire and the fire was building and I felt like I was kind of observing from outside manifestation does that make sense?

Yes good so then do that okay yeah so all you need to do is just observe the fire do whatever the fuck you were doing

whatever you're doing was right at some point you may want or need an alumbana. Alumbana means support or objective meditation. But I think for now this is fine. So here's the main takeaway. So the reason that you need to meditate is because meditation is the process through which the supercomputer,

your understanding and relationship with the supercomputer grows over time. And then when you become enlightenment, all you are is the supercomputer, 100% of the time. That is when enlightenment is. Okay. And so then, like, there is no happiness or sadness and all things are equal. So very practically what I'd say is if you see a therapist, what I want you to do is in the back of your mind, watch the supercomputer. And let the supercomputer all these emotions and regrets and things that you don't want to feel. As long as you are secure in the chair of the supercomputer, none of those things will touch you.

And you can let it all out. it is when it becomes difficult to be the supercomputer that's what you need training for so the closer you get to the greater the emotional energy the more faded the supercomputer will feel and through training you can strengthen that

and at some point I think you should probably learn like formal meditation like maybe when COVID blows over and stuff like that like go to a class but I think at the end of the day if you sit with your supercomputer, that's the most important thing. Okay. Yeah. Thoughts, questions?

I'm just grateful. Thank you. You're welcome. You created a great space for people to be brave and to showcase that in front of other folks. And I think, I mean, I'm sure you're told how conducive and how wonderful it is. but for me it's even just having like witness some other streams. I thought it was wonderful. So thank you for that.

You're very welcome. So I have a weird response to that. Let me think about how to say this. So I appreciate your appreciation, but I do not accept your gratitude. Because what you need to really understand, Abba is that you were owed this this is what you were entitled to

this is a part of the everything that you deserve so people come to me and they say oh thank you for doing all this you guys don't understand I'm doing nothing for you that deserves gratitude like not towards me like this is part of what you're owed

bro You draw short straws in life And you get some long straws in life I'm one of the long straws I want you to as best as you can Except that this is just a part of what you're given And you can be grateful for that in a general sense But don't thank me

I understand the point about the long straws But I also have to respect the fact That there's a manifestation of choice To be that long straw You know it's not like in your absence Somebody else may have failed to avoid I mean, that's wishful thinking, but it's not guaranteed. And so I think there has to be some measure of gratitude for the idea that you chose to be in that position to be able to help folks.

Was I owed this? I'll agree. But. Ah, well, well played, sir. That is the one piece of gratitude I'm willing to accept. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

I agree that this is like this should be here. I 100% agree with that. And I think everyone should be owed that. But I think there should be some idea of like, I commend you for being the person who chooses to be that long, offer people. Yeah, that I can, that I, that I can accept. That's what I have to accept. Good, yeah.

I'm glad. Despite my desire not to. You found the one chain in my armor, sir. I commend you. All right, I'm flattered. I'm gonna take that to my Discord and be like, I got them, guys. Yeah, you got me in more ways than one, Appa. Well, listen, I'm, uh, if it, if it was good for you, then I'm also happy about that.

It's great for me. I'll tell, uh, yeah. Yeah, that was great. Thank you so much, man. Yeah, you're very well. Welcome, dude. So listen, good luck to you. Keep us posted. And, you know, if you stumble or anything like that, feel free to reach out again. Okay. I may just, if it's okay with you, I may think about you a little bit after we're done.

Oh, no, no. It's not. I have had it and talk to the people. And, yeah, I'm just grateful that you guys, let me come on to talk with you. So thank you. Yeah. Take care. Thanks for coming on. Do you want to just tell us real quick for people who join late where they can find you? Yeah, yeah. On YouTube, you can go to Abba and pre- and I don't do nearly as much crying on there, but it's still a pretty insightful stuff, I hope. And yeah, if you go on YouTube and you search ABA and preach, you know, three separate words, you'll find us. Okay, cool. Take care, man. Cheers.